MBMBaM 785: Face 2 Face: Freelance Body Inspector

The McElroy brothers are not experts.

And their advice should never be followed.

Old Travis insists he's a sexpert.

There is a degree on his wall.

I haven't seen it.

Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby?

song

of something beautiful.

A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship.

I could've never seen what was coming for me.

Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach.

My life,

it feels love.

My life,

uh,

it's better, it's better with you.

My life,

it's better, it's better with you.

This is true.

It's better, it's better with you.

My life is

better with you.

Hello, welcome to my brother, my brother, and me.

In Advice Show for the Modern Era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

What's up, Trav Nation?

I'm your middlest brother, Travis, Big Dog Wolf of Fruit Very McElroy.

And I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin Built Ford, Tough McElroy.

Thank you.

I've had the worst 24 hours of my life.

Lay it out for me.

Hell yeah, dude.

What happened?

I can't even believe I have to do a freaking show tonight, man.

This sucks.

That's cool.

Sucks.

I can't believe I got to do this.

Okay, so I had a bad flight here, and this is a dry campus, so I can't explain why, but suffice it to say, I was really fucking sick.

Wait, hold on.

It's a dry campus, but you guys know about the concept of alcohol, right?

That's why it's a fuck.

Funny joke.

It's a sort of recreational poisoning.

Yes.

So I did that mess up and I felt very bad.

So last night I needed to sleep very badly, and I woke up this morning and I needed to get some coffee.

And then I went to the place where I was going to go get coffee and I was looking on the directions.

And I walked in to a place that I thought was the place.

And as they were, I realized it was the wrong place as they were handing me a menu and said that I could sit anywhere.

And then I had to.

Yeah.

Obviously, but I wasn't hungry at at all and felt like I wanted to die.

Yeah.

The food to be around was a hell and the smell of it was a hell

for good.

And I did sit down and she said, would you like coffee?

And in my head, I thought I should say to go.

And I thought, let's, and I said yes.

I didn't say to go.

I said yes to start.

Yeah.

And then I looked at the menu and the only thing I really liked was the French toast combo.

I really should not have ordered that much food, but that is what I did order.

And then four German guys came in right after, and they were in a huge rush.

Whoa, cool.

Yeah, and I wasn't in a huge rush.

And I was felt so guilty because I didn't even want to eat the food in the first place.

So these guys are like, we are in a huge rush.

And I'm like, please make theirs first, even though I ordered first because I really am fine.

Yeah.

I'm good.

But then they brought my food first and they clocked it.

They absolutely saw.

So then I got food that I don't really want to eat and I had to take it home with me.

And then I thought, well,

this is turning into a bad day in Salt Lake City.

Let me pause you right here.

There's going to need to be some pretty wild twists and turns for this to qualify as the worst 24 hours of your life.

I can think of things that happened to everyone in a particular day that were super duper bad that are worse

definitely than this.

I don't think you're listening to the same story I'm listening to.

See, Justin was on a flight where he made some bad choices.

Yeah.

And then he went to get coffee and had to get some food to go.

Yeah.

I didn't,

I didn't get

to go.

I can't eat money.

I'm ready to write him a story.

I didn't get food to go.

I had to sit down at a restaurant and I was the only one there and I was by myself and I was forced to eat because of the Germans

that came in after.

And had I canceled the food at that point, it would have looked like I was doing it for them.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

That's not why it was the worst day.

I don't think I've communicated how well the flight, I was really sick.

Did you like it?

I was super duper sick and sleepy accidentally.

But accidentally on purpose, I guess, in a sense.

But then, dad's like texts all four of us and is like, you guys want to hit this immersive Titanic exhibit?

And I'm like,

dad, dag, dag.

Well, this has.

Sometimes when we're on tour, our dad will text text us like he's a divorced dad who only gives the kids one weekend a month, but

he hasn't planned for it.

And it's like day of like, oh, shit, I got to do something with you guys.

Do you guys like horses?

It's actually always a bookstore.

He always texts everybody here and says, you want to go to a bookstore?

Usually some of us do, but this time he's like, just the four of us, just me, Trav, Griffin, dad, do you guys want to go to this Titanic exhibit?

And I, God, it was a real waiting waiting game there.

But I leapt in first and I said, Yeah, if you guys want to do that, I think it could make like a fun thing to do, maybe a fun video.

And then Travis and Griffin immediately bailed.

Yeah, and I was like, Now, to be fair, I had already bailed previously when he asked about a bookstore.

Yes, and I'm

too much work to jump on.

And then he texted about the Titanic thing and said, Travis, and I was like, Still no, yeah.

And in my defense, I have a one-nose.

So I

am, yes, super brave for being here and continuing to do the show tonight.

Yeah.

And after I heard how you all gave it up for our dad, like that, the applause feels not as good, if I'm being completely honest.

So,

I didn't have the microphones that I wanted to record, dad and I, for our little jaunt.

I wanted to make it special.

Like, dad and I have never made content together before.

It seemed like fun.

So, I went to the store and he's.

Dad and you have never made content before together.

I mean, what do you want?

Like,

like the adventure zone, like, but not you guys are usually in that.

We have to, I'm sorry that Griffin and I ruin it.

No, but we do have to find the special dad and Justin energy, whatever that is.

We have to find those specific rhythms.

So, uh, I get back to the hotel with my recorder, my microphone, and I say, Okay, dad, I'm back.

What time slot you want to do?

And he texts me back.

Uh, it looks like the only thing they got is 3:30.

We can't do it.

Sorry,

We can't do it.

And he said, maybe next time.

Did he throw a champ in there?

It feels like a champ.

Yeah, Dad, do you think maybe next time that we're in Salt Lake City, we'll go to the interactive Titanic exhibit?

And the cats in the cradle and the silver soon.

Sorry, did you say cook?

The cooks in the cradle?

Because this day has, this has already been the worst 24 hours of my life.

And if you're capping it by saying the cucks in the cradle at me, I don't think I can handle it.

Justin, we're going to put on a kick-ass show tonight, and we're going to raise your spirits right back up, brother.

What do you think, Salt Lake City?

I go for a run nearly every morning before work.

My turnaround point is decided by wherever I hit a certain distance, not by a clear landmark.

Sometimes, I will pass someone seconds before or right as.

My watch shows me that I've hit my turnaround point.

So I end up turning around and running right past them again, but in the direction they're going.

Dearest brothers, how do I make it clear that I'm not turning around to race them or

follow them or show them how fast I am?

And that's from jogging in Ogden.

Are you here?

Hi.

Hello.

Not are you here from Ogden, anyone.

Sorry, sorry, yes.

Question asker.

Ogden represent.

And now that we've gotten that out of our systems,

the specific person who wrote this question, are you here?

Alrighty.

I'm so glad this is our penultimate live mabimbam of this tour because I have washed this child's Halloween costume enough times wrong for it to be really

really struggling into the finish line here.

Which is ironic.

It is slightly ironic.

I don't think Halloween costumes are meant to be worn or washed as many times.

I don't think it's a right way to wash those costumes.

That's a good point.

I think that if you turn around and you run past them and they think that you did it to follow them, the following, the next thought is, and they're really bad at following me.

Okay.

Because I don't think when you follow someone, you should pass by them.

Oh, well, then maybe you give them a, as you turn around, around you hit your halfway point you turn around you run by them in the direction they're walking you yell follow me

oh now

the action's on them now whether or not they do it or not tag them as you go past i must tag them we must we mustn't we mustn't say touch travis

we mustn't say touch the stranger travis you know this

I'm hearing it now.

You're hearing it now.

I'm hearing it now.

We can't say touch the stranger, but you can't say, follow me.

And any tone of, I will say, actually, the tone of voice is important.

Because if you turn around and run by them and you go, follow me, that's a mean joke.

That's a way different energy.

If you say, follow me, and then take a hard lift and run down a hill, they're going to think they're in danger.

Right.

Like in the matrix, or if you say, follow me,

you're leading them on a quest.

And give them like a big arm sweep this away.

Maybe run down till you get to like the next like intersection, then turn back around, run back by them again, turn around again, just keep going and say, when are you going to start?

Yeah.

There's a subtext to this question I really enjoy, which is that my theory is that even people who like jogging and do it a lot, when that little thing goes off in their watch that says you have hit the turnaround point, you have finished half your jogging, any jogging you do past this point is extra bonus jogging, they even say, fuck that.

No way am I going to do extra jogging?

Are you out of your mind?

This is where you exercise people.

It always falls apart.

You know what I mean?

It always falls apart because you always are looking forward to stopping, aren't you?

Yeah.

I do think the worst case scenario of this question is like the turnaround point is just past them.

Yeah.

Like two feet past them.

Yeah.

Right?

Not like, oh, I went another.

No, I got next to them and then turned around.

The Ferris Mueller.

Oh,

I was just about to

Slow down, double-take.

Yeah, don't do that.

No touch.

No touch.

Don't Ferris Bueller.

Okay.

When I pulled this question, one of the things that struck me is you're worried that they might think you were trying to race them.

Because there's, if you pull up in a car next to another car at a red light and you rev your engine,

you're sending the signal like, when this light turns green, we're racing, right?

And they don't have to engage, but that's clearly what that means.

We don't have that for foot traffic.

But there's not like we reach an intersection, there's the hand signal, and you like stand next to them and start scraping your foot on the ground.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, shit, it's on when that little walkman comes up.

There should be a third signal that's like a finger saying, like, almost.

Yeah.

Almost.

Take your marks.

We need something that allows people to know, I want to race this.

I'm ready to race you.

You say you don't, you want to make it clear you're not turning around to race or follow or show them how fast you are.

It's got to be one of the three, right?

Like, one of the three is happening because otherwise, what are you doing out there?

And frankly, how fast you are doesn't mean because you're so fast.

This is just how fast you are at the level you're hitting.

Maybe you make that clear to them.

Like, sometimes I'm slow too.

Yeah.

Don't take it personally.

You'll get there.

Keep at it.

Can you run?

Can you jog backwards and do like a yell at them?

Like, it's the Matrix.

That's cool.

Speak to him in reverse as you go by.

Wait, I mean, I know this is a comedy show, but like, usually the suggestions at least have some narrative where in which they have benefited.

The question asks her, like, I feel like your suggestion is like demonstrably worse.

Yeah, I feel like turning around and running backwards past them, quote, liking the Matrix.

And I really like,

you guys are a whetstone upon which my blade is sharpened because you do not let me get away with these fucking stinker air balls.

And I appreciate that.

Like, for sure, it didn't make any fucking sense at all.

Run backwards and say it's the Matrix.

You can run backwards and say it's Memento.

Even Memento.

That's not all Memento has.

It's inception.

That's

getting closer.

I don't think there's like a really good movie where they run backwards.

Tenant.

Tenet actually is actually the exact one we were all in.

He is the exact one where that happens for sure.

Cool.

Next question, please.

I come from a family of fast eaters.

I am the fastest among them.

Damn.

Opting to chew is, I can't believe, and you're here.

What an honor.

Opting to chew.

My name's Joey Chestnut.

As little as possible with as few bites as I can.

I have married into a French family of slow eaters.

Oola.

With my wife being the slowest among them, which she acknowledges.

Opposites attract.

Uh-huh.

Whenever we go to France and we have a family meal, one of the, what do you think they call it in France?

A family meal.

I can't imagine.

I bet it's something very elegant.

It's 10 to 15 minutes later.

I'm not going to hang a lantern on that, you see?

That's because it wasn't a joke.

It's raised.

It was just an observation.

It is somewhat awkward.

I'm just living my life up here, Griffin.

That's why you have nothing.

You can't take me apart for being me, man.

They call it a meal with cheese.

After an hour of freaking talking.

It is somewhat awkward to be sitting in front of an empty plate with nothing to do.

But it's not acceptable to leave the table.

Brothers, I humbly ask you, what can I do while I wait for them to finish eating?

Or can I do something to convince them to change?

That's from Frantically Eating in France.

And are you here?

All right.

Question asker?

Can I tell you the deep respect I have for you that there is no option of changing your own behavior?

Either I need a highlights magazine at the table for when I'm done and they're still chewing, or they need to speed the footage.

It is also, I very much appreciate that it is obviously assumed that you can't talk to those gathered around you.

Absolutely not.

That would just slow them down when they talk back, Justin.

For starters, I'm assuming they're all speaking French.

So that can't, maybe that's your problem.

It's also hard to get a word in edgewise because they're constantly stopping and going, mm.

After every bite.

Oh, you know what?

Two birds, one stone.

You reach over and start cutting up their food for them.

That's cool.

That way you have something to do and it's going to speed them up a little bit.

That's awesome.

That's one of those things.

Maybe start chewing it for them too.

That was one of those things I started doing for my four-year-old son and then I realized like, wait a minute, it kicks ass to just have all the cutting done.

Yeah, man.

You sit down, you do all the cutting up front, and then it's just chomp city from then on.

Hell yeah.

And then you're just Pac-Man moving through the meal.

Want, walk, walk, wand, wow.

Cut it up all at the beginning is one the adults adults tried to sell you on that you never really thought about but I will never look back I cut it all up at the beginning you give me a plate of spaghetti with four enormous fucking meatballs on it yeah I'm gonna cut those up first

especially when you get a great grid going on a patty and you're just like boom gorgeous can I say I love the number of enthusiastic nods I've seen from the audience there's a there is a number of people who have looked at meat and said, fuck it, I'm going in.

I don't care.

I don't care what they've said.

I don't care what the law says.

I'm cutting all of it up.

So

that's a service you can provide your loved ones.

Yeah,

you could spend a little preamble cutting into optimal, delicious bites.

Oh, and stacking them like stacking them like getting it already.

It's like the pictures of Ritz on the box.

The serving suggestions of Ritz.

Turn them into a bunch of amooze boosh.

You can eat it slower if they're all amooze bouche.

That's true.

You got to give time for your bouche to be amused.

Is there a way you could start 10 to 15 minutes later than the rest of them?

Oh,

like the tortoise and the hare.

Like you, where you lay down and take a nap while they start eating.

But then be careful.

What if they're done before you?

Just send it back when everyone sits down at the table like, I'm sorry, mine is overdone.

I would like to, please ask your father to prepare another beef Wellington for me.

You could.

It's just that, like,

you know, you're supposed to eat slower is the thing.

Just for the moment.

I don't chew.

This is like you.

You don't chew.

You know, it's so hard.

This is not different strokes.

It's a moral good.

It's for your body to chew more.

It's better for you to do that.

And when you're there in France, you're representing all of us.

You're representing all of us, and we need all the help we can get.

We're all in the middle of the day.

We're deep.

We're in a deep, deep, deep hole of debt, sort of

culturally to France.

We changed the name of fries.

Like, we fucked them so bad.

Like, we did such a bad job by them.

Please.

Just chew.

Just chew for America.

I have never been to France, but I feel fairly confident that most of the time I would not be, like, horping it down.

I feel like every, every, I feel like every meal I'd be fighting for my life.

Listen.

Sorry, and what is it?

What is this again?

What is the French word for bread?

More bread.

What is the French for more bread?

I'm going to need to get this to go.

Please.

I remember when I saw Ratatouille in the theaters with Justin, and at the end, when they made Ratatouille to save the day, Justin was like, so just a bunch of cut-up vegetables?

What the fuck?

It's not even a meal.

This movie doesn't make any fucking sense.

Even getting us beside the point that it was cooked by a rat.

It's already over there.

We're not talking about that.

It's just slices of vegetables?

A child is nostalgic for sliced vegetables?

Hey, guys.

Yeah.

It's been a little ribbled.

Yeah.

A little

unsavory so far tonight.

So I thought we might take an opportunity to class it up a little bit

with just a nice, mature work of fart.

I'm not even going to talk about the fart sound effect.

I'm fucking dialed in.

This is maybe the last work of fart of 20 Thunder Drive, and I want to keep my, I think, perfect record going.

I'll pretend all you want that I don't like this game, but it's my, I'm in my fucking L.

I'm in my zone right now.

All right, tonight, it's all classic rock.

Yeah, man.

I'm going to give you the description of the song.

Oh, man.

You will give me the classed up title.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's going to have like fart or pee or poop or something in it.

That's.

Up first.

Yeah.

In this song.

Yeah.

We find about out about a place to get away from it all,

stop what you're doing, and pass gas.

Thanks to Elvis Presley.

Fartbreak Hotel.

Farts.

That is correct, Justin.

It's one nothing.

Fartbreak Hotel.

Yeah, no, it's awesome, man.

What do you want from me, man?

Juice, hey, juice.

You know how important this is to me, right, man?

This might be the last work of Fart of the Tour.

You know that, man, right?

And how important it is to me?

Things are heating up.

Did you see my runny nose, bro?

To be fair, Josh had to eat a breakfast he didn't want.

Yeah, that's true.

I was so sick.

Wait, I can't.

Okay, in this ACDC classic,

we are told the story of a man who watches his wife have sex with Thor.

Thundercuck?

Correct!

Yes!

God, that's good.

Dang it.

Dang it.

How many more are there, Travis?

Tell me.

Three more.

Jesus Christ.

Billy Joel sings a song about a man singing a song

About being in a bar where everyone urinates on him.

Peano man.

Piano Man, Piano Man.

Oh, I'm gonna give it to Griffin.

Like, he has to, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, of course,

of course.

And Travis, can I just say that's why you write the work of heart because I'm gonna come to something with P

and O Man, and it's just I don't see it.

Peano Man.

No, I get it.

Yeah, like, like, don't say it a bunch because it's not that funny, but like,

well, shit, that was the best one.

Okay,

you could stop now

in this song.

Elton John tells the tale of two young people during a simpler time

when they could bond over their love of this reptile's penis.

Crocodile cock.

Yes, Griffin, that's correct.

He did not tell me the answers ahead of time, guys.

It seemed like with how fast I said that, that that was scripted.

It was not, I probably.

It is currently three to one.

So, Justin, I'm sorry.

Griffin has taken it, but there is one more.

You never know if the last is going to be worth triple.

That's fair.

You never know if you're going to say that.

No.

But, like,

it would be better.

I'll tell you, it's only worth one real point, but it's worth three Travis points.

That doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't matter.

I'm about to fight.

It matters who I consider the winner to be.

Okay, good.

In this song,

Satan appears and challenges Johnny to a statewide Cunnalingus contest.

Don't play that long, Georgia.

That is correct.

Thank you.

So, Griffin wins the game, but Justin wins the game in my heart.

I'll take it.

Honestly, I'll take it.

That's cool and everything, but

the devil went down on Georgia.

Yeah, we got it.

We got it.

We got it.

We got it.

Do you guys get it?

I really can't hang a lantern on these, my man.

They are not load-bearing.

I

have a very cute little dog named Chopper.

My name, sorry, they said we couldn't show Chopper.

He's too cute.

That's a lie.

Show the picture, Paul.

Out of sight.

Out of control.

My neighbors who I've never met have some girls who are around eight.

They saw my dog one day and knocked on my door and they asked if they could play with him.

Well, I let them out to play with him for a bit and I just thought, well, that was nice and that was it.

But now they know that I have a cute dog and they're obsessed with him.

They constantly come over multiple times a day to play with my dog.

Brothers, the family has their own dog.

How can I tell?

Yeah, I mean.

Oof.

How can I tell these girls to stop coming to see my dog and play with their own?

That's from Puppy Problems in Provo.

Are you here?

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Is Chopper here?

Oh, sorry.

Aw, man.

Aw, man.

I bet you get that a lot.

I'm sorry.

That's a terrible burden to have a dog that just like fucking dropped dead adorable.

Can I tell you guys,

just quick note, programming note, if you want to know how to slam dunk a question, write in a thing where kids keep coming over, you're facing basic problem, and then introduce a neighbor cuck dog in.

Slam dunk, dude.

It's a fucking slam dunk.

Absolutely.

So

I feel bad in a way because this is like one of the earliest parenting things you learn, and it is don't do something you don't want to do forever a thousand times correct because if you think it might bring joy or delight to the child you are running the risk that all of a sudden they look at you and they're like hey this is my entire

there your dog your dog i know you think it's your dog but your dog's my whole

yeah there are things that life lessons important skills that i have tried to instill in my children multiple times over and over and over and it does not the seed does not take root but there are things that i let them do once

five years ago that they're still like, hey, I'm going to do that again because you said yes, do it that one time.

So it must always be cool now, right?

Dad bought Cooper this tiny TV once, and I put a bunch of episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark on it?

And I showed it to her one time, and now that kid watches fucking four hours, Are You Afraid of the Dark on a tiny TV every day?

I don't know, guys.

You just take what you can get, I guess.

There's so much about the world of Pokemon that is better than our own.

I'll just lay that out there carte blanche, and

you all know that that's my truth, and I'll stand on it.

But one of the things that I think we could really adopt from that game franchise and make it part of sort of like the public consciousness in the real world.

Pet fighting.

No?

I heard it.

I heard it when I said it.

But keep out that link, cable, my friend, because what about pet trading?

trading now

now listen i think you can do that yeah you can how many pets have you traded trav no i don't think i would do it if pokemon were real either griffin you got to so that's i got two dogs who needs two take one of them let me stop you right there because that is the way that some of the pokemon evolve is you can't just say like well i'll never have a may champ because i'm not willing to trade can i tell you how wild it would be if you told me you have two dogs buttercup and lily the only way they'll reach their best form is if you give them away yeah

dude griffin was about to tell us how to make a may champ and you cut him off man i was finally about to crack it i was so close to having a main champion gen one but yeah may champ and golem and gengar i think you can only get through trading um

there's

I believe Steelix and Sizor, if you give them the metal coat item before you trade them, that's...

Anyway, trade dogs.

And I know that I'm

outing myself as a non-pet owner.

And this is probably unthinkable to a lot of you because you're giving up an incredible relationship with the pet that you've formed this deep bond with.

But think about how stoked you're going to be to get to know that new pet.

And to be fair, it sounds like this ugly ass dog is going to really appreciate the attention.

Oh, my God, yes.

And then, ooh, makeover time.

It's time.

Oh, you're going to make those eight-year-olds jealous now.

Yeah.

When you miss congeniality, their dog.

Yeah.

You should let the dog choose.

The kids may be more fun than you.

Wow, juice.

You should just let the dog choose, but have some bacon in your pocket because you're an adult.

And that's what adults know how to do.

Adults know how to rig the game for themselves.

And if the dog chooses the kids, they do have to reimburse you what you paid for the dog because another thing adults have is the money to buy dogs.

That's true.

Buy your own dog.

That's true, but hey, what I already have their own dog.

What I always say, guys, who bought who?

Thank you.

No.

I am 37.

Like, I always say, who cleans up after who's pooped?

Makes you think about it.

I am 37.

This does make you think about it, Crimin.

I am 37.

This dog makes me think about it all the time.

True.

Proceed.

Are you sure that you don't have any other multi-syllabic observations observations to make?

You'll notice I didn't say jokes.

I'm more of a humorist, Justin, but continue.

We're storytellers, Justin.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to kill you.

I know what room number you're in.

I can have them make me a key card.

I could give them your name.

I'll go in and I'll kill you.

Yeah, it's true.

I'll tell them it's a birthday surprise and said the surprise is I'm killing you.

I am 37 years old.

And tomorrow morning after the show is my first time flying on a plane how do i play it cool and not look like an aging noob who has never flown

are you here

hi hi

hello

there was not a name in here i don't know if it got cut off that's okay

you've never flown before tomorrow you're flying

and you want to know how to not look like an aging noob who has never flown.

And you're just a passenger, right?

You're not flying the plane.

Yeah.

Because that would be wild i know there's like a pilot shortage or whatever but we're not down that low right not quite uh so i the thing that this is an actual answer that might help i don't know because it blew my mind if you go to the pilots and you say do you have any of the cards sometimes they have special trading cards about their plane and this blew this absolutely blew me out of the water when i found out i don't have the guts to ask obviously because they would push me out of the plane or something.

But you could ask, and I think that's a real pro move that's going to establish, like, oh, yeah, I've been on so many planes, I'm collecting cards about them.

Oh, yeah.

And then when they give you the one you're on, I'm like, I've already got three of these and hand it back.

I've been on them so many times.

I love the way these go up.

I thought you were saying.

I think, first of all, your best option is going to be absolute silence.

Anything that leaves your lips, I promise, is going to betray the fact that you've never been on an airplane before.

Maybe don't, like, as it's going up, start screaming about how this is in defiance of gravity and God's will.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Don't be like,

excuse me, flight helper.

I don't know what you're called.

Shit.

There's been a terrible mistake.

I don't know the person who's sitting next to me.

Oh, that's not, that's, okay, just kidding.

That is how it's supposed to be.

And it's cool if we smoke in here, right?

What?

What?

Things have really changed.

You're going to, this place is beautiful, and I think flying out over it is going to be an amazing experience.

And that is something like you can, I would frame it like that for yourself at first.

That's something to look forward to.

And then after that, it's all clouds.

And that gets old so fast.

You wouldn't even believe it.

I will say the part where it goes into the air initially will be.

But here's what I will say.

You will be absolutely on a plane at that point.

And it was very strict.

No doubt about it.

They're actually, and you might not know this because you've never done it before.

Once you get on plane, they have very little chill about you getting off plane

until they have reached destination.

That's actually like a big rule up there.

Sometimes it's nice to just know you have no input into how the situation goes at all.

Yeah.

Release the controls.

Let the pilot and God take care of that.

Yeah, God,

does this help?

God also keeps you safe in the plane.

And the fates or whatever.

Does that help?

Yeah, all right.

I'm seeing two thumbs up.

I feel pretty good about that, honestly.

I will take it.

My ex's stepdad introduced me to my mechanic years ago.

He was the total, I know a guy guy, and he set me up with the friends and family discount there.

I realized recently after an expensive repair that I still get the discount.

It saved me about $400 on this last visit, but my ex and I broke up three plus years ago.

And I never got around to telling my mechanic that we broke up.

And it feels weird to tell him now, good instincts.

And I also have no idea if it matters.

Do I need to tell my mechanic that I'm no longer friends nor family?

Can I keep accepting the friends and family discount forever?

That's for morally muddled motorists.

Are you here?

Yeah, I don't blame you for not volunteering your presence for that one.

That's a tricky situation.

I heard some of you all react to that in a way that left me wondering,

I think no matter when you did it, it would, even if it was the day after, it would be strange to go to your mechanic and say,

just so you know, Susan and I have broken up, so now you must charge me full price for things.

Yeah.

It is, though, like, what you are saying, though, though is, I'm no longer your friend.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Like we are no, our ships have parted.

We are no longer.

If anything, that is the responsibility of your ex and your ex and his family, like a mafia dawn, to call the mechanic and be like, he's out.

It was actually a really acrimonious breakup.

Do you have an enemies discount?

Oh, it's an enemy's increase.

An enemy's increase.

Okay, you do

Understandable.

Y'all.

Would you like to hang out sometime, Doug?

See if we can repair that relationship.

I'll bring you a present on your birthday, like in Stardew Valley.

Do you really, do you really genuinely believe that if this had been addressed early, that it could have been, like, there was no moment at which you could have addressed it in a healthy way?

Like, obviously, if you go in right after the breakup when you don't need a repair, that will be bad.

That won't go well.

You can't make a visit just to say, hey, I am alone.

I I feel like.

I don't need...

Nope.

Wiper Fluid's good.

Thank you for taking that.

The moment of checkout, I feel like that is the

last time you can say, hey, just so you know, I hope this isn't weird, but just to be honest with you, we broke up, so please don't give me the discount anymore.

No, because I think, let's take this a different way.

Right?

Instead of a mechanic, this is a butcher shop.

Okay.

And they call and say, this is Doug.

Doug's, you know, dating our child.

He's cool.

Give him the real good cuts of meat.

And then you break up.

Are you going to go in and the butcher is going to be like, oh, back to serving you the bad stuff?

Travis

is so fucking crazy that you're drawing a decision.

Like, no, I don't think I'm going to go back to eating rancid meat.

That is not the conversation.

The two options are get good meat or eat like

honey, Todd.

It's not about the options, Travis.

It's like this equivalent would be: you go to the mechanic, and the mechanic says oh you're dating Stacey I'll stop giving you bad rusted city car parts every car usually I throw 40 jelly beans in it just to be a dick I'm actually not gonna do but that to you put 40 jelly beans in your car the options are don't tell them or go to a different mechanic that's hard that is the thing I would

You can't be like, hey, you know how you've only been charging me $500 for this?

You can go back to $750.

I would find somebody new though, right?

I don't, like if you're not like a new partner and see if they have a family mechanic.

Yeah.

Maybe you go to the mechanic and you say, I would like to try to explore a friendship with you.

Yeah.

Or go to your mechanic and say, listen, yes, they and I did break up.

Do you have any other friends or family that I can start dating to maintain our current situation?

I'm willing for this to chain together a new way.

I met them through you.

No, I met you through them.

Now I'm through you.

Yeah.

This Christmas on Hallmark.

I met them through me, but you'll meet me through you on Hallmark.

I'm you now.

I'm you now.

I'm you now.

Sorry, Lacey Shaber.

The talented Miss Ribley is talented at mechanicking.

Lacey Shaber in I'm you.

I'm you now.

Folks.

A Christmas tale.

Lacey Shaber is Melissa Joan Hart in

I am you.

A Christmas joint

coming this October.

Candice Cameron Burr watches from a corner as Melissa Joan Hart is Lacey Shabear in My Christmas is Inside You.

A psychosexual journey coming to lifetime.

Coming to lifetime.

Can't logo.

October 21st.

Discounting the days till Christmas.

We have signed posters out in the lobby.

Rad posters.

They were designed by Scott Hoke.

We were just wild about the vibe and the energy of these.

There's also, I think, are there coins?

Yes, we do still have some coins for the Pulse of Orn Memorial Canned Food Drive.

All proceeds on those coins go to the Utah Food Bank.

So check those out too.

Send in your questions, please.

We're going to do live audience questions in the next block after we take a brief intermission.

So go do all your dirty business and we'll be right back.

I don't know, guys.

Yeah, I don't know either, man.

You just kept going with it.

I can't give you a high-energy finish after go do your dirty business.

Go do your unspeakable bathroom crimes.

And we'll be right back.

We've already gotten our dreams, but what about you, the little people?

Hi, I'm Justin McElroy, a certified dream granter who...

Hey, all you tiny folks down there looking like ants to us dream giants.

Yeah, we've strolled down from Olympus to tell you how to get a start on your tiny, humble dreams.

Their little tiny heads can't even be big enough to have a dream in it.

We are like Prometheus, bringing unto you mere mortals, the fire of Squarespace.

Do you know that we have used Squarespace ads to promote topics as varied as our wives' political campaigns and our dogs.

It's true.

No matter what you want to use a Squarespace website for, we've done it.

And I know what you're saying.

From Jumanji to Moana.

There is not a Squarespace website you cannot create.

Why haven't we combined them and made a Squarespace site with our dog running for mayor?

We could.

We could.

It would be easy.

With these templates that they got, these best-in-class designers making for you, you're going to make a website that looks like a real pro made it, not, you know, you, one of the common folk.

If you want your mayor dog to charge for their goods and services and get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments, you can do that for your mayor dog.

Set them up for success because it's expensive to run a campaign these days.

Seriously, we've used,

can we stop joking now?

I'll try.

We had, that was like, we were, Kaiser Griffin, that was like such a good ad.

And then you took the ball and I thought you were headed to the end zone with it and bringing it home for a big finish.

I couldn't get it.

You absolutely fumble.

You ate it.

Yeah.

Can we be serious?

You ate the ball.

You ate the ball.

I want to seriously, well, I need people to know that the next part's not a joke because if they think that if you go to this URL and there won't be a good deal for you there because it's a joke we're saying, then Squarespace will get PO'd and there's not that many places that want to support us.

Yeah.

You know, sort of professional.

That's great.

This has already stopped being an ad and become some sort of immersive theater you're doing.

So whatever you want to do is find her.

People love this shit.

Are you kidding me?

They love to get deep in the sausage grinder with us.

Head to squarespace.com slash my brother for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

That blew my mind.

You guys at home are like, that was wild.

Imagine sitting in the middle of it.

Yeah.

I want to tell you guys, we got some recently updated ad copy from Zock Doc, which is an amazing, amazing service website that's going to help you find doctors and stuff in your area.

But also included in here is that we have to play their Sonic logo.

And I get confused by that every time, thinking we're about to play music from Sonic the Hedgehog, and they have a cool, like Sonic the Hedgehog is working with Zock Doc.

No, it's cool because, like, and I don't think a lot of companies do this with us, but it's neat because it's like, it's like a collab at that point.

You know what I mean?

Like, we're doing our thing over here, telling you about how Zock Doc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment it's amazing I've used it so many times in DC to fill out my my care team my my squad if you will and road dogs but then they'll also come in there and be like brand new wow wow wow I haven't heard the sonic Singer, but I do think it's like a I do think it's probably like a funky blues rib I think it's probably like gotta go fast to get an appointment today.

Okay, that's right.

And a lot of people don't know this, but Zock Doc is actually short for Zoc Doctor Robotnik.

That is also true.

Yeah, not a lot of people know that.

Yeah, how much do you guys want to bet?

We're going to get Ag Copy Neck Time is like, please don't talk about the Sonic.

Please

put that in parentheses so you guys wouldn't talk about it.

And that's fair.

I get that.

But to be serious for just a second, you guys.

And it's important to make sure that you have a care squad that is covering all of your bases.

And it's hard to do that.

All your holes.

It's hard to do that because insurance is a myth and everyone does it different and everyone's trying to get at you and take everything, take everything that's important to you.

ZocDoc helps you find the doctors who do take your insurance and will provide great care and let you book appointments with them in the blink of an eye.

Stop putting off those doctors.

I don't like Sonic.

Stop putting off those doctors' appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash my brother to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.

That's zocdoc, z-o-c-d-o-c.com slash my brother.

Zocdoc.com slash my brother.

Zocked up.

Moving is the worst.

Yeah, but it's exciting too.

Our new MaxFun HQ office in downtown LA is actually going to fit all of us in it.

And the new studio is going to be so nice.

Plus, we'll have space for hangouts and events.

Yeah, you're right.

It's going to be worth it, but boy, is it expensive.

Maybe we could get some help?

Hmm.

Hey, cool, listener.

If you want to get fun stuff and help us move, go to maximumfun.org slash moving day, where you can get vintage merch or buy naming rights to stuff around the office.

If you help us move by buying something, we'll invite you over for pizza and beer at our new place.

Maximumfun.org maximumfun.org/slash moving day.

If you want to know what's going on in the world of movies, you should be listening to Maximum Film so we can tell you all about it.

Okay, but what if you already know what's going on in the world of movies?

What if you're kind of obsessed with movies like maybe you have a problem?

Well, then you should definitely be listening to Maximum Film because we too have that problem and it's important you know you're not alone.

We're talking indies you'll want to seek out.

Blockbusters and blockbusting wannabes.

Classics we can't get enough of.

I'm comedian and writer Kevin Avery.

I'm film critic Alonzo Duraldi.

I'm festival programmer and producer Drea Clark.

Together, we're Maximum Film.

Smart about movies in Hollywood, so you don't have to be.

But if you already are, that's also great.

And hey, we see you.

New episodes every week on maximumfun.org.

I heard a big rip when I sat down, boys.

And now you're bragging about your farts to everybody.

It's holding.

It's holding.

Griff, I'm going to pretend to be surprised by a munch squad here in a second, but before that, I did want to say I overheard backstage dad talking about how his day went.

And you'll never guess one of the things that dad mentioned he did.

Okay, yeah, so this, I didn't want to bring this up, but...

No, I know you didn't.

You know how I know you didn't want to bring this up because you didn't.

I had a runny nose, and so I went to Walgreens to deal with it.

And while I was there, I realized I wanted to get something for the Taz show that we're doing tomorrow in San Diego at a local game store.

So I called Nuber to go to the game store.

That's enter into the Walgreens at the same time, Clint McElroy.

And he did come with me to the game store.

And it was a precious father-son memory, but I didn't want to like make a big fucking deal out of it or anything.

But June is so weird because like earlier in the podcast, I was talking about this thing.

Like dad and I didn't do this thing together.

And what's weird is, like,

that would have been a cool time for you to bring it up as jokes.

For sure.

That's how I know that it actually you think that I'm actually going to be upset about it

because you didn't tell me in podcast.

You guys have to understand, dad and Griffin just get along better.

So that's

just kind of it.

I like to think of me and dad spent all that time when I was a kid together, which is why I'm well-adjusted and awesome now.

Awesome.

Yeah, for sure.

He was busy teaching me baseball and stuff.

I think of me and dad as just kind of like buddies, you know?

And sometimes buddies run into each other at the store because one of them has a runny nose and one of them forgot how their phone charger works and needs a new one and they're getting it at Walgreens for some reason.

And they go to the game store together to fucking kick it.

Like that's what buddies are.

Is that sometimes you get a phone charger that has a micro USB charging cable, but you don't have one of those and indeed you don't even know what they're called?

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of hostility towards dad.

That's my friend, dude.

He's just such a father figure to me.

Yeah,

that's how I think about our dad is a real father to me.

He's kind of a father figure.

Like the father I never had, you know?

Griff, just tell me this.

Did you at least have a nice time?

Yeah.

I want a munch.

Squad.

I want too much.

Squad.

Welcome to Munch Quad.

You probably thought.

Now,

you guys are probably too young for this, but I'm going to do a quick pop-up video here, which is like...

Just was so excited at the idea of interrupting Griffin talking about his time with dad that he did the wrong musical intro for the wrong bit.

Okay.

You guys probably thought that I did the wrong musical intro for the wrong bit, but no, I just tricked you.

Just like the cast of Now You See Me, Now You Don't

is going to be tricking audiences this November.

And to celebrate the fun, the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf is conjuring movie magic with Lionsgate, Now You See Me, Now You Don't collaboration.

It's the Now You See Me heist tea.

I don't usually see.

Wait, no, shut up.

Okay, heist.

Sorry, sorry.

So, what I'm going to tell you is heist tea.

Heist tea.

Fucking brilliant.

Heist tea is, I mean, let's be honest, good.

And it demands, you know what I like about heist T?

It demands something of the reader.

Yes, sir.

Annunciation.

Annunciation.

Can I also just say, did you type out the image we showed before this, or is that from the clip?

Because you put a colon in it.

Yeah.

And I don't think there's a colon in now you see me.

Colon.

Now you don't.

I don't think that punctuation is there.

This paragraph of a press release headline is so boring boring to see.

It's so many words.

I ain't reading all that.

Okay.

Let me sum it up for you.

Something magical is brewing

at the coffee bean and tea leaf.

In anticipation of November 14th's release of Lionsgate, now you see me, now you don't.

Glad to hear somebody is excited.

The global speciality coffee and tea house is joining forces with the exciting film franchise for a captivating collaboration that blends cinematic wonder with flavorful indulgence.

Cinematic what?

You know, when you're drinking a really good drink and you think this is just like seeing a movie?

How can I capture the spirit of this movie with this iced tea?

Heist tea.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This exclusive partnership features limited-time iced teas that partner bold, Swedish berry tea.

Fucking got it.

Not a joke.

I couldn't figure out what was good about heist tea.

I was like, is it just that the tea's kind of running?

It's on the screen in front of you.

Yeah, no, even that wasn't enough.

How deep is the Suda Fed in your bloodstream

the pseudo fed is like inner spacing right now connected into siphoning off your gray matter travis i don't use that pe bullshit i'm not a child i use grown-up pseudo fed that gets you up fam

I like that they specify that it's an exclusive partnership and that now you see me now you don't isn't putting heist teas in every restaurant throughout the nation, which would be a pretty good heist.

Now you see me.

Now you see me, now you don't sounds like the wrong name for the first movie when someone's trying to remember what the name of the first movie is called.

This exclusive partnership features limited time iced teas that

partner bold Swedish berry tea with a twist of lemonade, juicy fruit flavors, and a magician's touch of glittering magic.

Complete with a sweepstakes that invites fans to immerse themselves in a world of mystery.

Tell your family they're doing a sweepstakes.

Yeah.

Wait, is there fucking glitter in the drink?

Because the prestige then is my bowel movement.

Yeah.

And now you see, well, I don't know, Trav.

Can I first tell you about the film?

And now, now this is a press release for a drink.

And now you see me, now you don't.

The four horsemen are, I'm not going to read the cast names.

I'm going to skip them, but there's a lot.

And now you see me, now you don't.

The four horsemen are back to unite with a new generation of illusionists for their most global high-stakes magical adventure yet.

Wouldn't it be wild if it was like

their second most magical adventure?

Their mission, expose the corruption.

Is Lizzie Kaplan back in this one?

Because I don't think she is.

She's not.

Their mission.

Fuck off.

Expose the corruption.

They're not all back.

So somebody saw the other ones.

It's Travis McElroy.

What an unsurprising outcome.

Do you mean the movie's titled For Travis?

Yeah, now you see me.

Magic Thieves.

The Travis McElroy movie.

Expose a movie that only Travis dreams of.

In this movie, their mission is to expose the corruption of Veronica Vanderburg, a powerful diamond heiress with

ties to arms dealers, traffickers, and warlords.

Like, yeah, fucking obviously.

Now you see me, now you don't.

What else are magicians supposed to do?

Yeah, aided by the legendary Thaddeus, the two generations of magicians must overcome their differences.

And I know what you all are thinking.

Thaddeus, wasn't he a villain in the first two?

He is.

Twist.

He's at the cost.

coffee.

I know.

It's the prestige, but not that one.

Travis, I'm actually going to forbid you from being actually excited for this movie on stage with me right now.

At the coffee.

Mark Ruffalo's in it.

The Ruffalo Buffalo's mouth.

At the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, we've been part of the vibrant story of Los Angeles since 1963.

Fucking yeah, dude.

From the star, we build our legacy on handcrafted drinks that surprise and delight.

said Tara Hinkle, the president and head of America's at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.

Our partnership with Now You See Me, Now You Don't brings that same sense of wonder to life, blending our LA heritage with a touch of movie manager.

Again, I have very severe food allergies.

I do need to know what this glittering is.

The caffeine-free beverage is a lot of fun.

You should never tell their secrets, Gervan.

Allergies are super, duper, duper bad.

But look over here, Gervan.

You're already drinking it.

I need a website with all the ingredients.

First off, there's the Mango Magic Heist Tea, which is a mesmerizing.

Stop sprinkling sprinkling on me.

It's a mesmerizing mix.

Stop it!

It's a mesmerizing mix of mind-melding mango.

Lemonade, Swedish berry tea, and magical glitter.

Hold on.

Edible glitter?

No, Trav.

Deadly, poisonous glitter.

Now you see me, now you're dead.

There's also this strawberry shimmer iced tea a dazzling blend of surprising strawberry.

Fucking pretty surprising.

You put it the first word in the title of the thing lemonade swedish berry tea and magical glitter you know fans of the now you see me franchise know that magic can be around any corner said Angie Sharma at Global Partnerships and brand strategy for Lionsgate Motion Picture Group.

You ride hard with this franchise.

Is that true?

Are you looking for magic around every corner?

Yes, but that's where it's not gonna be, Griffith.

It must have been a lonely, literally 10 fucking years since the last one of these guys came out, huh?

Now it's time to wait for the magic of now you see me.

You can re-watch them as many times as you want.

There's no law against it, yeah.

Fans of now you.

And you notice new things each time, Justin.

It gets deeper and deeper.

And then you watch the makings of, and you talk to our friend JD Amato, who worked as a magic consultant on the first one.

And you find out things about the films, Justin.

And it only deepens.

It deepens like enjoying wine, Justin.

It ages.

It ages.

Barrel ages.

Now you see me, now you don't about to take the horsemen on their greatest heist yet.

It's exciting to be sharing the magic with the coffee, bean, and tea leaf customers.

Why'd you pick this voice?

This is what came out.

I don't choose.

And yeah, there's like nine horsemen now.

There's tea leaf customers with their delicious drinks and watch them disappear.

And they're also doing a magical sweepstakes, which I don't even want to do.

So what do you win?

Well, they did a contest where if you texted a number when the trailer dropped, you could

win $119.

That's cool, man.

I don't know why.

That's awesome.

That's just how much they had.

They finished making the

finished making it.

They had $119 left.

How much are you charging us to design this heist tea?

Whoa, $15 million?

Shit.

Okay, all we got left is, oh, man, $119.

That's a weird prize.

But Dave Franco will deliver it.

Is that anything?

He won't.

Man, I feel so bad, guys.

I told Paul to download the trailer.

Yeah?

I told Paul to download the trailer for now.

You see me now.

No, no, no, don't.

Please don't.

Because I know, no, it won't be good now.

He's already started playing it.

Now I know Travis will enjoy it, and I don't like it anymore.

No audio.

I think it's a good thing.

Yeah, no audio.

It's better.

I was going to let it.

Okay, we got.

Okay.

I don't want to talk about it.

It's not over here.

This is not sad.

It's not.

This is not magic.

He's a new magician.

Yes, I'm not going to talk about it.

Everybody, shut up.

No, there's not even sounds.

What I was going to say is I feel feel guilty for having Paul download it and then never using it.

And that's what I was going to say, Travis.

Do you guys remember that Jesse Eisenberg was on our show once?

Do you guys remember that?

That's a true fact.

I remember sometimes.

And now he's in this movie.

Paul Smith.

Look how we jump-started this movie.

Thank you, everybody.

That's your munch squad for today.

Thank you.

Nothing about the edible glitter, huh?

What do you want to know, dude?

Nutritional facts.

What's the difference between what makes it edible?

What makes other glitter not edible?

Now I understand.

The force and the will to

my daughters have been making every drink i've drank glitterable since like 2015 man it's not a novelty to me everything has glitter in it anymore you had the cadence of starting another question which sent me into a panic spiral because it's not time for that it's time for live audience questions thank you for sending in all of your questions we're going to call some folks down a lot of good ones y'all a lot of really good ones we're going to call folks down to the microphone can we get the uh lights on for and up first it's jesse eisenberg

We're going to call you down to the microphone by your name and seat number.

Please don't approach the microphone if we don't call you.

Jesse Eisenberg came on to promote the independent karate movie that he had directed.

The art of self-defense.

Yeah.

I don't think Jesse will be on my Brother My Brother Media promote.

Now you see me, now you don't.

I'm not sure we're going to marry you.

Hi, Louis.

Please welcome anytime.

Hello, whoever wants to talk first.

Hi.

Please.

Please.

Wow, a lot of great sweaters.

Thank you.

Hello.

You're welcome.

No kidding.

You never see two great sweaters kind of back-to-back like that.

That's why no offense to you, Perth.

You're doing great.

It's great.

It's cool.

I'm sorry that they didn't call you before the show started to tell us to say, like, hey, we're doing the sweater thing.

Do you want to do the sweater thing with us?

So sorry.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

So, my question is.

Oh, sorry.

What's your name?

Oh, sorry.

My name's Natalie.

Hi, Natalie.

My pronouns are she, her.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

So, my question is: how do I get my boyfriend's mother to stop sending us live lobsters?

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, that's good stuff.

So

sometimes it's just nice to know what the first question is going to be of the audience question segment.

It seems like a breach of etiquette to send your,

well, not in-laws, right?

Because you're just dating.

It's your boyfriend's lost.

I mean, once you get more than one live lobster from them,

it's your in-lobsters.

I know I mentioned.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good, Trad.

Don't encourage that.

Don't encourage that.

I want to make space for that.

I was going to say it's fucked up to give to anybody something alive, but I also said famously,

people didn't like it earlier in the show when I said you should trade your dogs.

Can I ask for some context?

Yeah, so my boyfriend's from Maine.

And so his family has historically liked to give him lobster for his birthday.

Awesome.

And this year they were like, oh, we can't visit, so

we're going to send you something in the mail.

But what they neglected to tell us is what it was.

So we weren't home when they were originally going to send it.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, no.

Did the lobster die?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So they didn't.

Not until you killed it.

They didn't tell us what they're going to send.

They changed the date.

And so we go to pick it up.

And we're like, oh, no, did they send lobsters?

And they did.

And unfortunately, my boyfriend picked it up with my friend, who's a vegan, and we were staying at her house.

And so we had to kill the lobsters and cook them at her house.

Hold on, wait, that sentence kicked ass.

You said it real fast so that we wouldn't look at it.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it the word

out of pocket?

Hey, Griffith, was it the word had to?

Is that where it is?

No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, the lobsters know too much.

The whole secret being.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The entire point of the vegan position is that you don't have to kill anything.

Yeah, I don't think vegans are like, yeah, we don't believe in killing and like consuming meat.

Well, you have to.

Make it quick.

At least make it quick.

What is authentic main lobsters?

Well, you gotta...

It's already here.

It's already here.

What kind of life?

I ate a lobster roll this afternoon, at which point, Tom, our video editor, is here, pointed out that this is probably the farthest I could geographically be from lobsters.

Do you,

I feel like I know the answer to this, enjoy to eat the lobster?

I mean, I did cry a little bit not to

while eating it.

I opened it because I was like, well yeah,

the great burden of

my boyfriend ate most of the lobster, not gonna lie.

So we're very grateful that they sent it,

but we're worried that they're gonna do it again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Well, then I care exactly what the problem is.

The next time you're going to take the rubber bands off the lobster's claws, you're going to put rubber bands around your boyfriend's fingers.

Now it's a fair fight.

Now it could go either way.

Now he's not murdering the lobsters.

He's defending himself.

That's cool.

And then he's just consuming his fallen club.

That's the warrior's right.

You conquer in battle, you eat the foe.

That's the warrior's right.

How else is your boyfriend's kitin going to get any stronger that's true i think you need to draft an email i think you need to say dear valerie

the lobster culture in this country is fucking crazy

It's so wild.

Dear Valerie, it's so wild that we have this one animal that when you we name a restaurant after it, then when you come in, you can pick one to eat, but you don't really get to eat that one.

It's just a big jar of them you have to look at before they get eaten.

It's wild that we send live ones around, just this one food.

We're like, it'd be better if we send them around live.

Lobster culture is crazy.

And that's kind of like, that'll get them thinking, you know, like that'll get the thought starter.

And then don't say anything after that.

And then a few weeks later, be like, come think of it.

I think I'm out of the lobster.

Or unless.

Or unless.

Unless.

When you said that they, how to get them to stop sending, I knew you meant in the mail.

But then I thought, what else could could that mean?

And I pictured your in-laws taking the lobster to the airport.

They did.

No, no, no.

Let me finish.

Let him finish his little fantasy.

It's going to be cute.

Not in a box, but in a little suit jacket and vest.

Oh, yeah.

With a little note that says where he's going.

Yeah.

And there's a flight attendant that escorts him on to his seat.

Yeah.

And then he gets off and they bring him to the airport.

You got a little laying there.

It says unaccompanied like crustacean on it.

Yeah.

And then you and your boyfriend pick him up up and kill him right there in the animal.

Because you fucking have to, right?

You have to.

You gotta kill him, right?

Gotta kill him.

Well, the worst part is, is that they say if you don't want to eat it immediately, to put a damp towel over it and stick it in the vegetable drawer in the fridge.

No, no, they like it.

No, no, no.

To them, that's good.

That's like a good thing.

And here's the thing you have to understand.

Lobsters are technically immortal.

They don't die of old age.

Yeah.

So if we don't kill them, they'd be fucking everywhere.

Yeah, dog.

We're protecting ourselves, really.

Does that help?

I think so.

Thank you so much, Natalie.

Thank you, Natalie.

Hello.

Hi, I'm Jenny.

My pronouns are she, her.

Hi, Jenny.

My question is: I work at an archive, and we have some cool stuff.

How do I get people to stop asking very heist sounding questions?

Yeah, when I tell them this, really important.

Heisty sounding questions?

I mean, in a way, yeah.

Okay.

Do you feel like that's a word, heisty?

Because I got tripped up earlier in this very podcast.

My husband was looking at me like an idiot.

I realized it at the same time as you.

What's up, Jenny?

Jenny, I want to say you, when I read this question, I was like, okay.

And then I got to some of the example questions.

Examples that you get, that you feel so.

There's a lot of like, oh, has someone tried to steal stuff before?

Where did they fail?

Compare and contrast other failed attempts.

So, don't mind me while I stroke my very real mustache.

What kind of security do you guys have?

What do you do to the people if you catch them?

What do you do if you catch them?

Is the best one of them?

That would be my first.

And when you answer, please speak into this flower I have on my lapel.

Jesus Christ.

My jumbo boutonnier.

Hey, what do you do when you catch them and where have they failed before?

I mean, last time someone attempted to run out of the room.

Don't answer it, Jenny.

That was a trap.

Please don't yell.

Please don't yell.

You scared me.

You actually gave me a jump scare by yelling right next to me.

Sorry.

I'm not even in front of this.

I'm really sorry.

Please.

I'm sorry.

I mean, it was a failed attempt, so they got yelled at.

Jenny, did you bust them?

No, I was like, what's going on?

I can't help with that.

Cool.

Jenny,

I love the revulsion you answered with when Griffin asked if you stopped people from stealing.

And you went, what?

No.

How would I even do that?

I don't even know.

I feel like if we would stop putting art in museums, people would stop trying to steal it.

Yeah, dude.

Like the only thing that makes it stealable is that the museum doesn't want you to.

You know what I'm saying?

If they were just like, fine, take them if you want.

Take them if you want.

I have no interest in art until someone tells me I can't have it.

Yeah, then you want to heist it.

That's the only reason.

The whole reason people heist it is because they make it hard to do it.

If they made it easy and just said, take all the art you want if you want it, I don't think anybody would ever steal it because it would feel rude.

Unless.

Unless?

Unless?

Ginny, you like your job, right?

It's cool.

It sounds like power talking.

Yeah, you're nodding your head, yes.

If you could actually verbally say yes, so we have you recorded on audio saying that you like your job, because it's actually important for the rest of my whole thing.

Now, yes.

You and all your friends like doing close-up magic, right?

No, no, no.

And then, Jenny, we'll cut this part out of the podcast.

So the only witnesses will be the 14,000 people assembled here.

And if we have to kill them, we'll talk to Natalie about it.

And Rachel, don't delete this.

Permanently save it.

Send it to the FBI.

You could get it.

Federal body inspector.

It's not federal in that.

You know that, right?

When someone's claiming to be a body inspector in that way, they're not saying, and I work for the government.

Yeah.

And I, and don't get it wrong, I'm not a statement.

I'm not a state body inspector.

What are they for then, Draft?

Female.

Usually on the beach.

Female body inspector.

You're trying to be gender inclusive

than you say fun body inspector.

Yeah.

Fatherly body inspector.

No!

Festive.

Festive?

Freelance.

Freelance.

Jenny.

Fungible.

Because a professional body inspector is a doctor.

I'm a freelance body inspector.

I'm a festooned body inspector.

Check out my tinsel.

I'm a fast body inspector.

Don't worry.

We're going to get you in and out of here in moments.

Let's keep this game of ministers cat going, Justin.

Jenny, I apologize for my brothers.

This behavior is...

You all don't deserve this.

You all made plans to come here and see us live tonight.

You did not agree to watch us

play Minister's Cat on stage.

You deserve better.

And Jenny, you deserve good advice.

Get in on the fucking action is what I'm saying.

Answer their questions.

Get a little bit of fucking like 20% off the time.

I've known you for two minutes.

You are the last goddamned person I would suspect in a million fucking years.

If

you could be an absolute gajillionaire, just like like no one would buy it and you could say and we have you on the mic saying shit like i would never help with a robber with a stealing of course not and that's evidence that's evidence and they can put that but this part's not in the show but that part's definitely yeah that's evidence from court does that help does that help oh yeah i got some plans now you're right now it's your no damn it

miss hurt us thank you

hey there i'm my friend hello brothers i like your shirt for what what it's worth.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry it's not a sweater.

Yeah, it's okay.

I wish it was a sweater.

They can't all be.

So,

what's your question?

My name is Seth.

He, him.

I actually sent in two questions.

You had one about your grandma.

Yes, I thought that might be the question that got me.

You knew it was that you knew it sent it in.

You're like, this is a fucking banger.

The boys are going to love this shit.

So I live in a multi-generational household.

It's my in-laws' house.

And so it's my wife, her mom, and her grandma.

So

multiple generations there.

This grandma is pushing 90 years old.

Okay.

She watches gun smoke all day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's my TV.

I'm glad somebody's watching my TV.

Keep it real.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what it is.

And she has no idea how to interact with children.

Yeah.

So when my nephew comes around, or we actually just brought home a two-month-old foster boy.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

She scares the living daylights out of me.

Yeah.

Old people are scary.

But they've earned that a little bit.

That's what I'm saying.

When you're pushing 90 and you've made it to the great-grandparents stage, you don't have to fucking impress anybody.

Yeah, yeah.

Let alone a kid who's young enough to not remember these interactions anymore.

It is incumbent on the children to kind of stiff upper lip it.

You ever seen gunsmoke kids?

Because it's pretty lit, actually.

So you're looking for...

The exact wording of your question is very good.

The exact wording.

May I read it, Seth?

Yes, please.

How do I market my grandma to be less scary to the great-grandkids?

That's awesome.

So we're the focus group

at this marketing firm of Great Grandma's Inc.

Yeah.

And we're going to rebrand.

What's her name?

You don't have to say your great-grandmother.

No, but like, give me a, what's her grandma name, I mean?

Just grandma.

Okay, we're going to start there.

Let's just start there.

What about Peebo?

Peebo is cool.

Yeah.

That's fun to say.

Kids will love saying that.

Yeah, like Peebo Bryson.

Peebo.

Especially if you're like great Pebo.

Yeah.

Great Pebo.

The great.

The Great Peebo.

Here comes the Great Peebo.

Fuck yeah.

I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Great Peebo is a great start, actually.

I thought it was a joke, but it's turned out to be very good.

Yeah.

The great Peebo.

And maybe put some posters up of like, get ready.

She's coming.

The great Peebo.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah.

And maybe list some showtimes of where they can see the great Peebo.

Just make them take iPad breaks every once in a while to watch the trailer you've made for the great people.

Have you guys enjoyed how on TikTok we've recently discovered that like our Okta and non-egenarians have a little bit left,

a little bit left, a little bit of a little bit of content left on them?

Just a little bit of content left.

We can ship them away before

they join the choir invisible.

Just like a little bit of content left.

in there to get

just a little bit of content we could get out of there and they just play man just make them play fallout Fallout 4 one time.

And then they can die.

We just get a little bit more content out.

People often wonder how being 15 years of internet content creators has changed the way that we look at the world.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it.

What you just heard Justin say.

I remember grandma dressed up like Frankenstein and talked to me about her life growing up.

Like, just a little bit more content.

Only 20 likes, Grandma.

We got to do more.

We got to do more.

Grandma, could you do something where if someone stands in a square for five hours, you buy them a TV?

Learn the dance.

I'd love to like if Mr.

Beast would take a step back and just like lower the stakes a little bit.

And now I'm Mr.

Beast Sr.

Yeah.

Does your great-grandma do anything that like kids would be like?

Our grandma loved playing bingo, and that was cool.

Bingo's an alright game.

She'd come over and

she would often give me books of matches, which was cool.

Fuck yeah.

She's got a ton of jewelry that she loves to give away to people.

Kids love that shit, dude.

That's good.

Yeah, babies love jewelry.

They do.

They do.

Could they earn it from her by acting like they like her?

And eventually, the affection becomes real.

It's true.

That's how it happened in Tuesdays with Maury, I think.

Fuck, I knew you were going to say that.

I've never, I got to read that fucking book as much as I reference it.

Every time they hang out, Maury gives them a new ring.

Yep.

And he's like, I'm starting to like you, distinguished older gentleman.

What's your name again?

What's your name?

What day?

Oh, man.

If I'd known that, we would have hung out on Mondays.

Does that.

Does she even have an Apple Watch?

She does not.

But Christmas is just.

What are you doing?

Because you get her some Google glasses.

There's a landing study without Google glasses.

Does that help?

Does she play Roblox?

Does she play Roblox?

Does she play Roblox?

She will soon.

Yes, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, Sam.

Now we're talking.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Have we fixed your life?

Thank you.

Because it should have been Mondays with more.

Yeah, no, it would be

easier for him to remember on his calendar when he sees more.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Mitzi.

She's Mitzi.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Nice to meet you, too.

I'm really looking forward to that.

People never say that.

We never get to hang out anymore.

I know.

You know, but as you get older, who has the time?

Menti, I know your question, but would you.

Yes.

So through the normal course of doing her job, my sister has acquired an exceptional horse kidney stone.

Yeah.

Not our horse.

Not your horse.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's her job stealing horse kidney stones.

Now you see it.

Now you don't.

Now you pee it.

Not this, not this.

If the owner doesn't come back for it, we get to keep it.

And I'm looking for advice on this.

There's like, yeah, dude, every part of that.

If the owner doesn't come back, where?

Like, to the horse kidney removal.

Okay, you can.

Veterinarian?

You can say veterinarian.

Say horse.

No, I think you should say horse kidney removal place.

That makes me happier.

One of them makes me happy to be alive, and it's that one.

So keep saying that one.

They didn't take the horse to a fucking jiffy lube.

They didn't take him to a horse kidney removal place.

It's a roller coaster where everyone passes kidneys.

It's a whole alley.

Jesus, I wish.

So, um,

what is your so you get to keep it if they don't come back?

Yeah, that's the problem.

I would love some advice on how to preserve and best display this treasure.

Now, preserve, you know, we have no fucking idea.

You know that.

But that's it.

That's science.

Paul, can we show it?

Paul, don't show it yet.

It's a little, it's like,

no.

Can we take a vote?

No, I think we should have a vote.

Can we show hands?

Like, if you want to vote with your eyes, close your eyes if you don't want to.

No, no, just show.

I am curious if you would like to see the kidney show, raise your hand.

Okay,

it's not even a question.

Just like for five seconds, we'll just like throw it up.

It's not gross.

As a former kidney stone sufferer, it's not fucking gross.

It's like exactly what you expect.

Just do show it.

Well, we're going to show it.

Okay.

That's not gross.

And now

take it away.

No, wait.

No, it's not.

No, wait.

I need a backup.

No, I need it back off for a second.

Because I have to ask you a question.

See, they don't bury it.

They bury it.

You gave nothing of scale here in this picture.

Yeah, that actually is actually a good question.

How big, like.

Size of a plum.

Fuck.

Fuck off.

How big was this?

How big was this horse?

Horse size?

Horse size.

Horse size.

God damn, that's funny.

Shit, that's a good way to make fun of Griffin.

God is funny.

I wish I had said that.

God, that was good.

I was going to say on a ring, but even then.

Do you know what sucks?

I had a kidney stone in college that was so bad that it put me in the hospital like three times.

They had to surgically remove it.

And when I came out of anesthesia, this...

Next part's true.

I did ask my girlfriend at the time to move in with me.

Not in the best headspace to do that.

But also, they just got rid of the stone.

I was so pissed off.

Are you kidding me?

I'm not probably going to make another one of those.

So I get why this is a special relic.

And it was arrowhead shaped.

It was cool.

He could have turned it into a tiny arrow to kill a mouse with.

Yeah, sure.

Because I'm really super, super messed up.

I think now that I think about it, resin would be a good option.

If you just got some clear resin

and then you just paperweight, that would

John Hammond it right onto a walking stick.

That's sick, actually.

That would be sick.

Or

even bigger, center of a bowling ball like a mystery men.

Yeah.

I like walking stick because then you're kind of making this enormous foul horse kidney stone at eye level to everybody.

Pretty much all the time.

And people are gonna come up to you and they're gonna say wow That's one fucked up looking pine cone and you say friend Do I have a story for you?

Yeah man man, man.

It's important to have a prop when you later have to explain to another scientist that maybe it was a mistake to build your theme park full of giant extinct horses, and you can spin it in front of you as you like look into it and talk about all I wanted to do was bring back giant extinct horses based on this kidney stun.

And they're like, We should have known better.

And you're like, Well, obviously.

Obviously.

Oh man, that thing was really, really narcissistic.

Let's see one more.

Yeah, yeah.

forgot dude

haven't stone fruits been through enough forgive me i have stolen the kidney stones from the horse kidney they were so yucky and so sharp

Grubby, that was a real thinker.

I love it.

I loved it.

Hey, does that help?

Definitely.

Thank you,

thank you so much.

Hey, that's going to do it for us.

Can we bring the lights back down?

You all have been so great.

You actually have made this the best 24 hours.

Wow.

And you heard all the really bad stuff you went through.

He had to eat breakfast.

Yeah.

Well, no.

Thank you to the next one.

Now I will say, the me getting extremely sick on the plane is now 28 hours ago.

So it's no longer in the 24 hours.

So the clock has kind of moved, but it's still a lot of cheering, and I do appreciate it.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you to Kingsbury Hall for having us.

This is a beautiful place.

Yeah, it's a beautiful place.

Don't you love the paintings?

I love that if you don't like this show, you can just look at a painting.

That's convenient.

Big-ass painting for a while, too.

Second screen entertainment.

That's cool.

Yeah.

Hey, did you all enjoy that video we showed during intermission?

That was made by Tom, who does all of our video stuff for us, and he's here tonight, so let's give it up for Tom.

Big time!

Big time!

Woo!

That's enough.

It's still mainly us doing the jokes, so just a little bit of cheering for Tom is fine.

So much to Paul, and thank you to, yes, and thank you to Amanda and Rachel

and

our dad Clayton.

So glad he and Griffin got some time together today.

I love that.

Thank you to Scott Hope who designed this rad poster.

I think there's still some more out there.

I do believe we are out of the Paul Sabor Memorial Canned Food Drive coins, but if you want to make a donation to the Utah Food Bank, to you in the second row waving the checkered flags, it's amazing how good that makes me feel.

Yeah, I genuinely feel.

It does kind of feel like we're pulling into the finish line of the show.

We can't finish.

This has taken everything from us.

You have no idea.

We're barely a standard.

I blew out three tires finishing this show.

We can't finish until we thank Montane for these four theme songs, My Life Is Better With You.

Griffin.

And I apologize for how yucky that sounded.

Oh, Travis has got it.

I was going to say you're the only sucker with a screen now, but Travis got his.

I've got it right.

Yes, you're going to leave us off here.

Thank you so much, Salt Lake City, for coming.

And thank you, Siri.

Like, I know you're supposed to say that at the end of the show, but thank you so much.

It's been, you all have been amazingly

genuinely thankful.

Thank you so much.

I,

a 35-year-old with a full nine-month-old child, will be faster than my fear of when the animatronics at Spirit Halloween try to get me unprovoked.

My name is Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy, Griffin McElroy.

This has been my brother, my brother, me.

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

It's better with you.

It's better.

it's better, it's better with you.

Cause it's true

It's better, it's better with you

My life

It's better with you

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