S6E9 - 'The Three B Tree'

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There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny, OCD.

I've lived with OCD my entire life, and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

That's why I want to tell you about No CD.

No CD is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15-minute call.

They are here to help.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, and welcome to my dad voter porno.

We are back.

It is time for chapter nine.

I'm back in the room, guys.

Yes, I'm here.

You sound well.

I am.

Do you know what?

I was feeling so awful, but I got one of those PCR tests.

Yeah.

Waited for my little result, negative.

So I was actually fine.

So you never had COVID?

No, but I had all of the symptoms, especially because they said that double-jab people, the symptoms masquerade as like a cold, like a really bad cold.

That's just his way of saying he's double jabbed, isn't it?

I don't think he ever was ill.

I think he just wanted a break from Pordo.

He was like, I can't read another chapter.

James, it was like being in lockdown again.

I missed everything in my diary.

It was awful.

Oh my God.

Give me a second.

I need tissue.

I'm going to cry.

We get it.

So many parties, so many galas.

So many probably like theatre opening nights.

yeah yeah exactly um guys if you want to invite me to your opening nights or theatre shows i will totally go oh god anyway so you didn't have covid so no i'm all right thank you and thank you so much for waiting and for everyone being so nice everyone tweeting and emailing and messaging it was so funny you got so many well-wishers and yet you weren't trying to stop anyone thinking that you had covid you were just letting them pour in all the well i was feeling really ill and it took loads of time to get the test result back and i what was the point didn't want to do one of those lame kind of iphone notes announcements on my Instagram feed.

Didn't he?

Didn't he?

By the way, guys, I know you've been worrying, but I'm okay.

It doesn't, no one cares.

In six years, we've never missed an episode, a scheduled episode, and we never missed a porno day that we said we were going to be there for.

No.

Who did you think would grind the whole machine to a halt?

Can I be honest?

Yeah.

You.

Ah!

100% you.

She texted me two days ago.

She said, are we recording tomorrow?

I said, no, you're a full 24 hours out.

And you, actually.

24.

Me.

Both of you this week were like, when are we recording?

What are we doing?

I was thrown off by the lack of footnotes.

I had a mad panic that I hadn't edited a show for Thursday.

And I was like, James, I'm sorry.

I know you're on holiday, but please.

But you were very nice.

You are the dad of the group, let's be honest.

Well, I feel like it sometimes.

So are we recording today?

Are we recording now?

See what that is in front of you, the microphone.

Yeah, now.

Okay, fine.

Anyway, should we get down to business?

Oh, shh.

Wow, okay.

Very, very assertive today.

Well, we were left on a massive cliffhanger, and I think people have waited long enough now to know.

Yes, okay, sorry.

Well, what is really risky is leaving people on a cliffhanger and then ramping up the tension doubly by missing a week.

I never think you should overwait for rocky suspense to be fulfilled.

No, and having skimmed the chapter,

I'd say downplay.

Downplay, downplay.

Casual, so cash.

Well, can I say, so I revisited because it's Dr.

Robbins.

And I remembered like a couple of seasons ago, there was like some dodgy dealings with Dr.

Robbins.

There's a footnote, which I suggest listeners revisit.

Maybe after the episode, maybe now.

Called Helga's Case Files.

Of course, yes.

I brought a notepad with me because I actually actually took notes from the Helga's case files, which I will be referring to today.

Oh, my goodness, James.

So is there anything that you want to float before we begin?

There is something, but I think

I'm going to let the maestro, Mr.

Flintstone, start to explain and I'll pick holes as and where appropriate.

I was going to say, because I think that'll be necessary.

And also, let's give him the chance to, you know, have his book read as intended.

Okay.

AKA not referring back to previous chapters and calling him out on it.

And also, that was a case file from a footnote, so not in in the books.

So, um,

we'll just read.

Let's just read, yeah, don't mind me.

You'll see a pen moving around.

I'm just beginning to be taking notes furiously by the looks of it.

You've done loads of notes there,

such a little swat.

Well done.

We'll take a little snap of those, put them on the Instagram because you are a nerd.

Just call me Detective Chief Inspector Cooper.

Okay, are we ready then?

Ready?

Let's do it.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

Let's crack this case.

Belinda Blinked Six, Chapter Nine:

The 3B Tree.

Book 6, Chapter 9.

Alice.

Congratulations, everybody.

We've made it.

Also, something we, just to reference, something we didn't spot in an earlier chapter, you know, the whole level six penthouse nine.

Yeah.

6'9.

69.

They're everywhere.

They're everywhere.

Oh my god, he's not peppering the books with 69s, is he?

Of course he is.

This is a legitimate one, book six.

So he's really been building up to this one, if it was planned from the beginning.

Okay, so the three B James, you are sitting very erectly with your little pad and pen.

Looks like he's playing bingo.

Go on.

Okay.

Dr.

Robbins.

The name rattled around Belinda's head like a loose bowling ball down an alleyway of embarrassment and shame.

That is how I'd describe Belinda's brain.

Just like an empty room with a ball rolling around in it.

Not even a light at the end

but

but

but you're a strange man who snips at prospective business associates with rusty old long-handled stationary scissors oh yeah he did that weird i think he cut a dress off with scissors or something like he was it i do remember him just being a bit odd yeah hiding in plain sight as a weirdo there was something off about him from the beginning of all the people to bring back

yeah it's the character nobody wanted.

Although, Michael Sheen and Thomas Middleditch both wanted to play him in the movie, so we must be missing something.

This could be juicier than they ever imagined.

Yeah, also, lots of emails this week of people connecting various dots and saying that they had their suspicions the first time that we met him.

Really?

I mean, very easy to say.

Yeah, sure.

That's funny because dad didn't when he wrote it.

Did we meet in book two?

Book two, yeah.

In Amsterdam.

But you're a strange man who snips at prospective business associates with rusty old long-handled stationery scissors.

She finally fished out of her brain.

Hee ha ha he.

Dr.

Robbins rocked and rolled.

Oh, I thought it was a monkey.

Sorry.

Hee ha ha hee.

He looks human, though.

Hee ha he.

Hee hee ha ha he.

Hee ha ha hee.

Oh, yeah, that is an unusual way to laugh, isn't it?

Hee ha ha hee.

Hee hai.

Hee hai.

He's a little bit of a donkey, isn't it?

When the little boys in Pinocchio turn into asses.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, mother of fuckness.

I'm not related to your saggy ass, am I?

Belinda screamed.

The odd fellow just shuddered like a cold person waiting for a bus that had been cancelled twice in a December night.

I know that's a terrible feeling.

And I'm not an old person.

Well, I mean, decide yourself.

But that is a bad feeling.

We share a skin sketch, Belinda screamed, showing off her thigh.

You must tell me if we're flesh and blood.

A skin sketch?

You can say tattoo.

Yeah.

Like, you you don't need to come up with synonyms for everything.

He does have an issue with repetition, doesn't he?

I do like skin sketch, though.

Like, as another way.

I'm just wondering what else it could be.

Like, something doodle.

A dermis doodle.

A dermatological doodle?

A dermis doodle.

What you said.

But thanks for the remix.

What else?

Sketch, doodle.

Picture?

What are you just saying?

Picture.

What else is there?

A permanent picture.

Well, it's pea in French, isn't it?

Skin.

A paux picture.

A paux picture.

A pu-picture.

A picture pau.

Just some options for the future there, Rocky.

I'm hoping the tattoo dies here and now.

If the 3B tree gets mentioned ever again, I'm going to his house.

I know where he lives.

You must tell me if we're flesh and blood.

The man at the desk said not a zilch.

Can I just say as well, so Robbins is based in Amsterdam.

So they've, because he's got his leather desk, right?

So they've flown the leather desk.

We were talking before about the high production values of this event.

So they've flown in his leather desk from Amsterdam

to Berlin.

Must be.

Cost a fortune in freight.

100%.

And also, it's probably got to go freight.

So how far in advance did they arrange that?

It's not that far away, though, is it?

You could get it on a lorry.

A lorry?

Okay, so you're putting the desk on a lorry.

Are they doing that a few days before?

Where are they storing this?

Where are they storing him?

Because a lot lot of people on email say.

At the hotel, perhaps.

How long was he there?

Like, did he have, like,

you know, supplies?

And was there a dress rehearsal?

Like, has all this just been thrown together at the last minute?

It doesn't seem that way.

Was Alfie the smallest man dressed in black there to mic everyone up?

Good sound.

Because you would want everybody on point.

Because if somebody wasn't where they were supposed to be when that reveal occurred.

Yeah.

And one and two and come up.

Take off the toupee.

Reveal the skin sketch.

But how do you make sure that Belinda's where you're going to need her to be?

Because she hasn't got a mark or anything.

I guess Agent XYZ was kind of the bait.

She ran and she chased her, followed her into the room.

And you would rehearse for every eventuality.

What do we do if she's here?

What do we do if she's here?

And pivot.

And yeah, and left and right.

Beautiful.

I've just thought, maybe they brought just a...

Maybe they just got a replica desk.

Could be a lot of fun.

A local replica desk.

I didn't think of a local replica desk.

So, say that's the option.

They've sent photos to a local artisan, and they're like, it must be exactly the same.

So he's sort of done a sort of forensic recreation of the desk.

Who's taking the photo?

Well, I suppose Robin's could have taken the vote to send it.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, the hundreds, nay, thousands of people who must have worked on this whole production and how no one revealed that XYZ was actually made is amazing.

I think more people are employed on this production than by Bish

in the company.

So, Dr.

Robbins, why won't you speak?

Oh, God.

Are you fully recovered?

Because you don't sound all right.

The cackle from the hair of nightmares was was almost like death itself.

Vane?

What does Vane mean?

Will you Vane?

Villy Vane.

Willie Vane.

Vane.

It's spelt V-A-Y-N-E.

Actually, if I refer to my notes here,

from Helga's case files, case file 76-A-M-18.

Oh my God.

We've actually, this has been hiding in plain sight for some time.

His real name is Wayne Burt.

Wayne Burt.

So Vane is Wayne.

Wayne is

Wayne.

It's just the German, you see, it's just dad's written German.

He sometimes gets really tangled in being a multilingualist, isn't he?

So was that just a throwaway thing?

I'll be honest, I don't remember this.

Oh, yeah, I think we just thought it was like a thing he'd written that we never needed to think about again.

But you know what Bert is?

A bee.

A bee.

It's a fucking bee.

It's a fucking bee.

Oh, there we go.

That's

a blink.

Bert.

They in the Bert.

And Bert's got a B, which I think we commented at the time was a beautiful name for a child.

Wayne Burt.

On second hearing, it sort of sounds like a star of Westerns, doesn't it?

50s pin-up, Wayne Burt.

He knows all my names.

I beg your pardon.

Belinda blinked, now confused.

I sometimes think I am Belinda in these scenarios.

He is no Robbins, even less I'm Doctor.

He's not even a qualified doctor.

I love a doctorate bought on the internet.

I love the idea that you can do that.

People buy like

dodgy doctorates, don't they?

Or they change their name by default to like, rather than David, like doctor.

So they're like, technically, I'm a doctor.

Well, for Rocky's birthday, I bought him a lordship.

No, you didn't.

He's a lord of the manor now.

Ob Seth.

Alice, this is one of those examples where James is actually dad's real son.

But he.

I think he thinks he's like, he can go to the house of lords now.

James, he asked me the other day, how do I claim my expenses?

He emailed us, like, I don't have to pay tax now.

I'm a lord.

I was like, what do you do?

And I think they do if they're

why do you enable him?

Exactly.

Why do you encourage him?

I don't know quite what I've done.

Basically, yeah, he now owns like this random bit of land that makes him a lord.

No, he doesn't.

Is this real?

Lord Rocky Flintstone, yeah.

How much did you spend on this?

£30.

Yeah, it's definitely legit.

No, it's like five square meters of land.

Oh my god.

What, and he's the lord of that bit of land, not just of that estate.

You know, we have to go and stand on it.

Yeah, he says, well, what I didn't know, he was like, oh, I love visiting there.

I'm going to go.

What do you mean?

He knows that bit of land.

He knows the area that it's in.

He's always wanted to be the lord of that bit of land.

Yeah, that five square metres.

So do I then inherit that lordship and then become an actual little Lord Funkner?

Oh, good question.

Oh my god, this is its own freebie tree.

But to your point, like, I don't know if it's legit or real or what.

If I've just is he gonna get shot for trespassing,

definitely not real or legit, exactly.

But yeah, Lord, you technically have to call him Lord Rocky Flintstone now.

I point blank refuse.

If it means I get my head chopped off, so be it.

So, he is no Robins, even less I'm Dr.

You fib bish.

You lie like a Lilo with me lying on it.

In these times of high stress, how does she come up with it all?

You lie like a Lilo.

And I'm lying on the Lilo.

Bet you lying on.

What?

You wish, bitch.

God, there's a lot of laughing in this chapter.

There's a lot of laughing in there.

There's that bitch again.

Her step uncle hissed.

Doctor Robbins raised from behind his precious travelling desk.

Oh, oh, that did get addressed.

I was brought from home.

No, but that suggests it travels with him wherever he goes.

It also suggests that there's like repeated journeys where it happens.

So, like, Dr.

Robbins and his travelling desk are one man only.

Oh, God, this whole scene is like, you know, those great exhibitions they used to have.

Like, the greatest show on earth.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like a circus isn't it

dad is the pt barnum of porn so okay so he's so he's risen he's risen from the desk from behind his precious traveling desk okay it's true but land uh

what someone else walked in wait who sounds like that well wayne burt is american what do you mean james well i don't need the book am i supposed to know that it's all there in the case files alice you should have you should have been paying attention so have you gone back and listened or have you just logged i mean you two do have incredible memories no no no i've gone back i've done my research i come to this prepared do you not?

Hell no.

You just look at me, of course.

I just opened the door and I've forgotten you're coming.

Yeah, you were definitely in a post-tis state when we arrived.

You seemed flustered.

But better than last time I saw you both when I burst into tears because I got lost.

Because she got lost.

I'm a grown-up woman.

I'm a grown-up woman.

I'm a grown-up woman.

She was an hour late as well.

I'm a bit stressed about that, but mainly about being lost.

So, it's true, Bolinda, he spoke in a perfectly normal, USA-ish draw you've gone for a kind of Bostonian I just think it's like you know

gangster kind of like you know gangster very much east coast I think sure yes okay whatever sounds a bit like your friend Larry yes very like Larry where's he from Philadelphia yeah sorry everybody from Philly

There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel the comedian.

Apparently I know what funny is.

Funny bought me a house, but I also know what isn't funny, OCD.

I've lived with OCD my entire life and people throw the term around like it's no big deal.

But OCD is severe, often debilitating.

It's a mental health condition that involves unrelented, unwanted thoughts that can make you question your character, your beliefs, even your safety.

General therapy can help with some things, but for OCD, it can actually make things worse.

That's why I want to tell you about No CD.

No CD is the world's largest treatment provider for OCD and is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans.

Their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, the most effective treatment for OCD.

If you think you might be struggling with OCD, go to nocd.com to book a free 15-minute call.

They are here to help.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

It's true, Belinda.

My real name.

My real name.

My real name, it's Wayne Boyd.

It's Wayne Boyt.

It's Wayne Boyt.

Is that spelled B-O-I-B-H-T?

Boy.

My real name is Wayne Boyt.

And don't worry, I'm no relation of yours.

No.

Years ago, I made a deal with your stepuncle, which saw him own 10% of my contrabanded baked beans business.

Stop it.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

Number one, I love him.

What a great crack.

He's about 60 years younger than Dr.

Robbins.

He's really good fun.

He's just got a nice way about him.

Yeah, he's friendly.

And he runs a successful

contraband baked beans.

What does a contraband bit mean?

Well, he says this.

Well, he goes on.

He goes on.

So your stepbunker, which saw him, own 10% of my contraband baked beans business.

Through the three B's baked beans franchise.

We have money laundered millions, which has bankrolled Bisch Hairstelling since the Cold War, Belinda.

Oh, my word.

I'm just writing this down.

So, sorry.

Number one, that's not what a contraband business is.

Like, that made it sound like baked beans were banned somewhere and they were somehow importing them on the black market.

Yeah, you need, like, the front business to be legit so you can do dodgy stuff.

Yeah, so where's the legit bit?

None of it.

So, wait, Bish Enterprises or whatever it's called, that's not real either.

No, so Bish owns 10% of this.

Okay, so not very much, yeah.

And through that business, they've money-laundered millions, which has bankrolled Bish Hearst tonight.

Since the Cold War, since like the 80s.

So, probably

helped him find money to set up his pots and pans business.

Yeah.

And Helga got wind of this and had been investigating Wayne Burt for years.

And mayonnaise doesn't go with baked beans.

Okay.

And what the company's called the Three B's?

The Three B's Baked Beans.

But is that real?

Alice, none of this is real.

In the books.

I think in the books yes it's real i just really fancy beans on toaster so the tattoo they've all got is the logo of the three bees baked bean company which we presume is a well-known baked bean company well if it's turning over millions in order to launder it so it's like having hive

tattooed on your head

and you're like what is it i mean somebody would be like well that's the baked bean can logo like why have you got that that's the three bees baked bean company and do uh beans grow on a tree like

it was the three how does one harvest beans?

Also, wasn't it just three bees in a triangle and we've been calling it a tree?

Like, what?

Sorry, it's hitting me in waves.

It's the kind of tattoo you would get as a dare or a joke or drunk on holiday.

Because now I'm like, well, why is Belinda in on that?

And is it just, is it Burt, Bish, and beans?

Is that what it was all of a long?

Her ex-boyfriend from high school tattooed a baked bean logo onto her at the behest of her father

because they wouldn't look it into one of the owners.

He only owned 10%.

He doesn't even own that much.

Shall we keep reading and see if this gets clearer?

So,

sort of money laundered millions, which has bankrolled bish house der lung since the Cold War.

What the fuck?

The lender exploded.

Most astute thing she's ever said.

Same, same.

You really are big bad baddies, aren't you?

BBB.

You see,

when I was in the Army of the Rhine, I had unlimited access to the billions of tins of ration baked beans.

Billions of tins of beans.

Billions of baked beans.

When he was in the what of the Rhine?

The US Army of the Rhine.

Do you mean Rhine, like Germany?

Maybe, James.

You have a question?

No, I was just going to say, so he was siphoning off

the wartime supplies to sell.

So that's why they contraband because they were stolen from a legit source right from the army and during the cold war

for the u.s army of the rhine what do you mean

nobody was in trenches eating baked beans in the 80s um so i i had access to the billions and tens of ration baked beans they didn't miss a million They didn't miss two million.

Don't sound that ration, to be honest with you.

They didn't miss three million.

They did miss three million cans.

Three million cans of baked beans.

Is he stealing them one at a time?

There's got to be some sort of system of checking them out.

And is he putting them in his backpack?

Like, how is he getting them out of there?

In the desk.

They didn't miss a million.

They didn't miss two million.

They did them miss three million.

They didn't miss.

Four million?

Belinda's asked.

How do you know?

Wayne asked.

Oh my god, what is this?

What is this?

Carry on, Phil.

Wayne asked, impressed.

Impressed.

My business was booming until my commanding officer found out and they arrested me.

Moiri.

I've been very mean to me.

In regards to a long-term business plan, stealing baked beans to set up a baked bean company.

Initially, fantastic.

You're not forking out on the stock.

You've apparently got four million cans of baked beans.

They have a sell-by date.

And also, you know, you're not going to forever have access to that.

So beyond the point of the stolen baked beans, where are you getting your baked beans from?

Well, I guess that's why you stole so much.

Right.

And if you're a criminal, do you care if you make people sick?

I guess not.

But was he just going to run one of the most successful baked bean companies in the world for like a year?

Yeah, why didn't you go before it got to the like the front line?

Why didn't you just go to the factory that was like supplying them and just steal them all from there?

And also, it's like, of course you got arrested.

You are a member of the army, but suddenly, as the stock is depleting, you've set up your own baked beans business, which on the side weirdly has the same label as the baked beans from the trenches.

He might have made the new label, to be fair to him.

I think he's just scribbled BBB all over the old label.

And then tattooed it on his head just to really seal the deal.

This is corroborated in the case files, all this, by the way.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah.

He went away for fraud.

Oh, okay.

For bean fraud.

Just for fraud.

And he, yeah, he was in custody for a long time in America.

So,

and my commanding officer found out and arrested me.

Belinda blinked.

And that's where your stepuncle stepped in.

But

thank God for this erratic exposition.

And the 3B tree?

Belinda Blapboard.

We sign in ink, Belinda.

Skin ink,

Wayne said as he rubbed his tattooed head.

A deal you can't never get out of.

It's forever on you.

That was them signing the contract.

He was like, Yeah, I'll have mine on my leg.

He's like, I'll have top of the head.

It's fine.

Just sign it.

Bish hobbled even more into the lighting.

The brick!

I'm going to wait for all this lighting for you to miss your mark, sweetheart.

I have tried to exterminate you ever since your 18th birthday.

Why?

When your dopey mutter could finally brand you to me.

Finally

brand you to me.

But you have always escaped my grasp, you slippery bloodvust.

You refused a very generous job of

escape.

Interesting.

Right.

I'm picking up the pen and I'm pointing.

Because, do you remember when they had the feast at Bischer's Schloss?

Yeah.

He recognised her at one point.

I mean, he should have recognised her because related, but he recognised her because she was a little bit more.

And he's been looking for her for his whole life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she was right there.

Rung the bell.

But the reason he said he recognised her, I'm sure, was something to do with like an interview or like a job or something.

It was a job offer over Skype.

So yeah, maybe he interviewed over Skype.

okay

um you refused

our very generous job offer on skype

this can't all be about that damn right belinda spat eyeing maeve from the corners of her eyes then you escaped my slurs and then jumped through the hot basket

you okay blender asked i'm fine

Just a tickly throat.

Nothing a scrapsil won't deal with.

Probably choking on a bean.

I'm fine.

Bish screech as he wiped the blood from his left nostril.

Oh, he's not long for this.

Well, this is like Milon Rouge when she coughs into a handkerchief and it's blood.

Only, I know that you suffer from chronic asthma attacks, and as kind of not really a relative, I do worry.

Jamie, do you mean ethmeter idea?

The athmetics.

Oh my god, yeah.

Ethmer idea.

Can I just say, pulling a lot of stuff together here, this is amazing.

This hasn't been like cobbled together.

Like, we read those FBI files a couple of years ago now.

Yeah.

I mean, it doesn't make sense.

Let's not pretend it does, but it is impressive.

It is impressive.

And it remembers.

Only I know that you suffer from chronic asthma attacks.

Yes, I do.

And as a kind of not really relative, I do worry.

A cuff for me there.

A bulletin you there.

Oh, he's still going to kill her.

Jovial.

Family is a variety.

You're the one that keeps fucking banging on about it.

Nobody else is bringing it up.

Also, there was no point to the family element at all.

One of the bees is beans.

Oh, God, yeah.

Beans, Bish, and Bert.

Hang on.

Son, see it as protection.

Me?

A necessary extermination,

a necessary extermination, unnecessary extermination.

I would beg to differ, there's absolutely nothing necessary about the extermination.

But that's what family means to him.

I guess it means different things to different people, doesn't it?

And so I'm being a bit judgmental, but I would argue that Belinda's existence has had zero impact on either the Bean Company, Bish's company, Bishop himself, her own mother.

Like, no, but like, Belinda is such a twin.

I mean, Clinton was just pleased to get a second go, but it's so absurd that a whole man's rotten little life is planned around this.

Yeah, I mean now he did sorry that Bish or Daniel.

Sorry, I was pointing at you, wasn't I?

My rotten little life.

What a rotten little life.

What a sad little man.

But now she knows too much and they've got the blueprints.

So yeah, just get rid because she's the only thing in the way now, really.

Yeah, she's a risk.

Because I guess he says some see it as protection, me a necessary extermination.

Because that's what he said.

He said that her mum got her the tattoo to try and, I guess, protect her to think they're related.

No, he's not having any of it.

Also, you have an inkling that your daughter's stepuncle wants to kill her.

So all you do is get her a tattoo.

That's all you're doing to protect her.

You're not like, okay, let's get you to live.

I'd say do the opposite.

I'd say find a way to make sure that you can never be traced by that man.

Don't make her super identifiable with a tattoo only two idiots would get.

Um.

Agent XYZ

ends this family affair once and forever.

Maeve removed her killer heels and gleefully prepared to end Belinda for good.

Be careful, Belinda.

Bert held his hand up and interrupted.

You see, you sure as hell came close to bursting our beautiful little record, Belinda.

No, she didn't, Wayne smirked.

But sadly for you, close is no saga.

Now,

before you die, get on your knees and suck my nice-sized cork.

That was horrible.

Did someone say cock?

So,

whenever anybody says

cock, even if it's not a member of the cock, she appears, I presume, on a horse.

No, trapdoor.

She's probably part of the production.

Oh, yeah, she's definitely ridden through those clam-shaped doors through the cave.

And through that very narrow, mirrored hallway, which would have sent Toffee Appletu absolutely spare, by the way.

Did someone say call?

Oh, my God, I love it.

What an entrance.

Belinda, Bish, Maeve, and Dr.

Wayne Burt Robbins.

We're still sticking with the alias, fine.

Turned in a gas explosion.

It's like fireworks and ventilations.

Like a paragon of virtue, dressed head to foot in flowing white gowns.

The double.

Plural?

Yeah, gowns.

She's wearing a gown.

Beautiful gowns.

Well, she's wearing multiple gowns, but like.

What is that?

It's Aretha Franklin throwing shade on Taylor Swift.

Beautiful gowns.

Beautiful gowns.

Dressed head to foot in flowing white, beautiful gowns.

The Duchess galloped into the scene.

Toffee Apple Chew,

there she is, neighed her most vicious squeal

as she kicked the escape stairlift to bits.

Oh, it's an escape stairlift.

It's a one-sound exit, I guess.

Yeah, I guess so.

It's the one to kill Belinda.

How do you tell the horse to kick the stairlift to bits?

It's Toffee Apple Chew.

It's not any horse.

It doesn't need to be told.

She knows.

She's a member of COG.

There's the part of me that everyone sees.

I'm Howie Mandel, the comedian.

Apparently, I know what funny is.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

I've never been so glad to see Cock in my whole life, Belinda breathed under her tongue.

And that's saying something.

Honestly, but also not one bit surprised by the sentence.

Get red!

How is you?

He knows her.

Bish spat while trying to run away slowly.

I've been on your ass for years, Wolfgang.

It's time you answered to your crime.

As she approached them, she jumped from her steed ass and cartwheeled towards Belinda.

Well, cartwheeled towards Belinda.

She's surprised, actually.

She's got the hips of a much younger woman.

She centrifugally threw her body between Belinda and Agent XYZ and karate chopped Maeve's back.

So she fell stricken to the floor.

Hurry up!

Maeve the receptionist, you nicked.

You're nigged!

You're nigged!

She's your poppy!

She's copper!

You're nicked.

It's the sister's arrest.

God knows she's got her tools.

The duchess said, as she cuffed the young vixen.

She does have her tools.

All the while, Dr.

Robbins, Aura's legally recognised Wayne Burt,

if you are trying to open a bank account, had been quietly packing his belongings and trying to escape.

Folding up the travelling desk in the background.

Don't mind me.

I'm just thinking, why do you do that?

I just slip out back.

How do I fold this legging?

But little did he know that waiting for him in the hidden doorway exit was

Which one?

There were so many

was a certain lady he knew all too well Helga yeah, what you doing here?

He spoke in his American drawer

That's Agent Helga de Yeal, she said in her American speech patterns, pulling out her FBI brooch.

It's not a brooch

we care?

Fuck.

I never knew that.

Geez, you're good.

All-American.

She pumped as she tied him together.

Right, she said as she lassoed the hobbling bish.

Let's send him to the slammer.

Oh, she's changed regional.

Sorry, what was she?

She's American.

Well, she wasn't Dolly Parton.

Okay, right.

Right, right, right.

It's like American, like, right, let's send him to the slammer.

Is that an American?

I don't know what's an American like, oh my god, Valley girl, like, oh my god, let's send them to the slammer.

Right, right,

let's send him to the slammer.

I don't think Elga's a valley girl, but

let's send him to the slammer.

Stop!

Wait!

Belinda shouted as she ran towards Maeve.

Oh, and hi, Helga.

How lovely to see you again.

Stop being so polite to everybody, everybody.

Oh, you're right.

How you been?

Belinda's run had had lagged to an almost on-the-spot jog as she passed the agent.

Such impeccable timing.

Snog.

Such impeccable timing,

Snog.

But how did you know I was here?

The Duchess was giving Senior Zip a hand when you card on your special retina-sensitive shades.

This is ludicrous.

Typical spies.

Belinda laughed.

Belinda laughed as she started to run to her max again.

Typical spies.

See ya.

How big's the room?

I think it's quite big, isn't it?

Oh, it's vast.

Reaching her ex-colleague, she fell to her knees in an extravagant slide and rode straight to her crotch.

Oh, like a kid at a wedding.

Hitting her target, Belinda wrapped both arms around the lovely legs of Maeve.

I'm sorry we were not as kind as you wanted or deserved, dear Maeve.

Please accept the only apology apology present I can must.

She's not going to go down on Maeve.

Before you spend a lifetime under locks and keys.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Belinda gently peeled back Maeve's pubic overhangs.

Please, please, Jamie.

Oh, that's one of the worst for a lot.

What's a pubic overhang?

I'm assuming he means her lab.

I'm assuming he means the hood on the clips.

Oh, I thought it was like pubes overhanging the knickers.

Pubic overhang.

Oh, you thought it was like a fringe of pubes.

Oh, I guess I just thought pubic meant like genitalia, but maybe it doesn't.

Pubic overhang.

Answers on a postcard.

She gently peeled back Mae's pubic overhangs and shoved her whole face in and upper.

Oh, so yeah, maybe you're right then, James.

Maybe it is literally her

box, yeah.

Her tongue was a rampant rogue, a highwayman, twisting through the corkscrew byways of the olden days.

I love that.

Looking for somebody to rob.

Maeve tingled and jazzed with the sexual gratification she had always associated with Belinda.

Everyone's very, very good, as we've said in these books before, about separating emotion from sex.

So they're just like, I really want to get off.

If I can get off, I'm going to get off.

This has been a really horny production.

We've all been in rehearsals together for ages.

We've been on tour together.

Let's just do this.

The last thing she'll do as a free woman is get licked out by Belinda.

And I think there's no better way to go down, literally.

Going down down fighting.

By the way, Belinda said as she wiped her mouth dry, I knew it was you.

I recognised your flavourings.

The hump and skunk part two was only minutes away.

I could tell.

That is a sequel I do not want to watch.

That's why none of the original casts return.

You wish.

Or is she even?

Who knows where she is now?

Yeah, that's true.

You wish, spat Maeve.

Oh, the mood's changed, hasn't it?

You're quite rude, aren't you?

Belinda said, gearing up for a bit of smack and quibble.

Smack and quibble.

Is that sexy or is she just going to smack her?

And quibble.

And quibble with her opinions.

Quibble is such a gentle argument, isn't it?

I imagine she's like, you know, rolling up her sleeves.

She's just gone down on her.

I was going to say she's literally wiping her juices from her face.

But Agent Helga was a professional.

Okay, okay, let's wrap this show on the road up.

She brisks.

Literally, they mean that as well.

They're like, we've got to get to Chicago.

Three nights.

And Twerba waits, guys.

That was a beautiful little performance.

It's a sell-out show.

It's gonna be a hoop.

Your pregiums are on the bed.

So let's wrap this show on the road up.

This show's on the road, but let's wrap it up.

Right.

Okay, okay.

Let's wrap this show on the road up.

She brisked.

She took Bish by the scruff of his neck and pushed him into the arrest position.

Arrest position?

What's that?

Hands up?

Ooh, bother me.

A backup agent took over and dragged him, kicking and crying, from the scene.

Where's the backup agent come from, please?

Oh, he's crying.

You feel pain.

this, Belinda,

with the marks of my words,

he hissed.

We don't use marks anymore, you wrinkly old crook, she replied, shouting louder the further away he was hauled.

We don't use marks.

We don't use marks anymore, you wrinkly old crook.

It's Euros that will bust and you'll need millions of them to break yourself to freedom.

Belinda, he's gone.

He's gone.

Also, really good point.

Well done.

So sweet.

With that, the guardsmen of Germany entered the space and took Bert and Maeve where Bish was headed, that being prison.

Yes.

The clink.

The clink.

Three B's and a clink.

Well, two B's and a M.

Or an X, was he?

Who knows?

An H and Z.

The Duchess fed Toffee Apple Chew a sugar lump.

Smartest ones in the world, but eats sugar lumps.

girls gotta eat the duchess fed toffee apple chew a sugar lump clapped her hands and spoke three smallish words done

dusted drink oh my god this is i thought it should be like dildo

back in the safety of belinda's berlin hotel room and after a chilly and chardonnay or twelve our leading lady of letters turned to the women who saved her ass

how can i ever thank you for saving my ass she thanked them

She thanked them.

She just did it.

Well, that thing you did to Agent XYZ,

Helga started.

Looked fucking fabulous, darling, the Duchess finished.

A sexually attractive smile arrived on Belinda's face muscles, and as she took out her forefinger and middle finger on both hands from make-believe gun holsters on her hips,

she pointed them like pistols at the two women's front-facing bums.

That's not nice.

They understood hand language.

I'm going to shoot your vagina off

and immediately unrolled their panties.

Unrolled.

Maybe they're wearing special agent underwear for the operation.

Unrolled.

And immediately unrolled their panties.

Belinda wanked them off so much.

I don't know if you call it wanking a girl on, do you?

Was it finger frig?

Belinda wanked them off so much, Helga temporarily lost the use of her calf muscles and collapsed to the ground.

Wow, that sounds like a serious medical condition.

The Duchess was made of tougher meat, like brisket, so fared better balance-wise.

Cooked well, shouldn't be tough, but yeah.

Moving to the thin sofa thing at the foot of the bed,

which are rancid in hotel rooms for this very reason.

I was going to say, Belinda jammed Helga's Dodger and creamed Gertrude's custard.

Biscuit reference?

Lovely.

Very, very UK-centric biscuits.

International listeners, a Jammy Dodger and a, what was the other one?

Custard cream.

Custard cream.

Don't eat around the bush.

Get that tongue the fuck inside me.

That's fantastic.

Don't eat around the bush.

That's really good.

Don't eat around the bush.

Get that tongue the fuck inside me.

Helga ordered like the federal officer she was.

Her inner tissue was zingy to the tongue.

A tangy treat full of enzymes to keep Belinda big and strong.

To keep her big and strong.

She's not exactly withering, is she?

Can we talk about inner tissues?

Inner tissues as well, the way he said it, tissues.

Tissue, sorry.

Her Dodgers got inner tissues.

Was Muff one of her five a day?

As Belinda licked herself at home, she mentally made note.

Licked herself at home.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

Can we just get through this?

Licked herself at home.

Oh, like made herself at home by licking.

Yeah.

Right.

As Belinda licked herself at home, she mentally made note of the colour and texture of the flesh within this lady's human form.

I imagine it looks the same as most other vaginas, no?

Well, I mean she's made vaguely.

Helga Jonker and our darling Duchess were truly exceptional sex chums.

They gyrated their way around the hotel suite, licking and stroking and slapping and rubbing and having a marvellous time.

Oh, lovely, what a great end to a dramatic day.

However, at dawn, Belinda's body clock was awoken in the Berlin bedroom by a very efficient-sounding knock on the door.

Well, it was her body clock that woke her up, but yeah, okay.

Belinda squinted.

Is this a new

spin off?

And that is the end of the chapter.

Wow, so much happened.

So much happened.

It was a real like Avengers Assemble moment at the end where.

Well, with three of them, yeah.

Yeah.

And Coffee Apple Chew and Little.

Oh, true, true.

And

an extra officer here and the German military guard there.

A lot of key players in one room at the same time.

Absolutely.

Certainly an Avengers Assemble moment in terms of narrative.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Bish is in prison.

He's in prison.

Well, he's at least en route.

I wouldn't be surprised if he manages to break out like breathing on the lock or something and it snaps.

Kick the door down with his gammy leg.

And actually, because they've been doing insider dealings for so long, are there people that we don't know about within those businesses that, because I mean, Bish can't be doing anything.

He's just dead on the side.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you're not operating alone, are you?

So who's this knock at the door?

Who indeed?

Oh, God, I hope someone's been sent to kill her or something.

Again, this woman can't catch a break.

At least she's got the Duchess and Helga with her, so that's good.

So, yeah, you must come back next week because,

well, we'll find out who's at the door, hopefully.

Come back next week to find out who's at the door.

It's probably room service.

We'll be playing who's at the door.

And of course, it is our big end of season finale listing party next week.

So we're all going to be pressing play at once around the world.

Yes, 8pm UK time, as usual.

We'll all press play and then we'll tweet along using hashtag porno day.

And in the meantime, please send us your speculation about who's behind the door.

So people aren't confused.

What date is that?

It's Monday, the 2nd of August, Alice.

Fantastic.

And by people, I mean me.

You mean you, yes.

Get in touch with us.

Let us know what you think about the demise of Bish and Maeve and Dr.

Robins slash Wayne Burke.

We're on Twitter at dadrottoporno, Instagram at my dadrota.

Email us at mydadrettoporno at gmail.com.

In theory, we've lost a lot of big players here.

I mean, by lost, I mean they're incarcerated.

Thank God.

Thank God.

And so I wonder when you remove a kind of evil dictator like Bish,

you create a vacuum, don't you?

Oh, someone's going to slip in that hole.

So to speak.

Okay, that's it, guys.

Until next week.

I'm pooped.

You're nicked.

We get it.

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