Footnotes: The Bisch-Burt Contract

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Hello, and welcome to my dad directed porno.

It's footnotes time once again, Alice and James.

Now, we're a little bit confused, I think, about the last chapter.

Well, maybe not confused.

There's been a lot of emails about it making no sense.

I'm confused.

I'm not ashamed to say it.

Your looks of just blankness.

I thought maybe you weren't confused.

No, I've taken time to kind of gestate it.

Is that the phrase?

Just to gestate it.

Are you going to birth the final?

Don't gestate dad's work.

And actually, it doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

And when you really start to think about it, I think in the room I was praising what he'd done.

The Norse Gods.

Oh, right, yeah.

And the Norse Gods.

But yeah, afterwards, I was like, hmm.

Doesn't really make a lot, a great deal of sense.

Did you feel dirty for supporting him?

Well, and other people have raised these questions as well.

it's like the tattoo thing almost feels like an absolute red herring the two well it's kind of two parallel storylines where you've got this whole tattoo thing and then the blueprints thing

almost like they've just been smushed together

yeah what I would say and this is in dad's defense is that these books have never made sense Like that was kind of the point of us reading them that they were rubbish and I feel like somewhere along the way people have expected them to be good.

So I asked Dad, I was like, look, I have some questions.

Do you have anything that might, you know, shed some light on this as to what this arrangement was between Bish and Wayne, Burt and the beans?

And he said,

well, this is our lives we're talking about, everybody.

This is happening right now.

This is real.

And he said, yes.

Great.

I'm a message.

I smell content.

He said, when he was writing this book, he was writing, you know, he always writes extra stuff.

So that's not news to anybody.

But he said, I did take the trouble to write the contract between Wayne Burt and Bish Hairstelling.

What a fucking waste of time.

He has to say, take the trouble, Shillabover.

So I actually have the...

Yeah, he has to do.

I have the contract.

Jesus, look at it, James.

Look!

It's a proper contract.

He's drafted a whole legal contract.

What's this, sorry?

So this is the deal that they signed on their tattoos.

Right, these are the terms of that deal.

What are you talking about?

So So, the terms of the deal are on paper, but the signatures are on the skin.

Okay.

James, two-step authentication.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

I'd love it if they had this entire three-page contract on their body at some point.

It's three pages.

Yes.

Can you give us like the headlines, maybe, rather than?

Are you going to read the whole thing?

We're going to read the contract.

All three pages.

It's important to read a contract fully.

I think we all know that.

T's and C's included.

Yeah.

Rocky is a very litigious man, as we know.

It's why he'll never get caught out for special J.

It's why he will simply never name a famous name as it truly appears.

So this will be watertight.

He loves reading contracts, doesn't he?

As well, so I bet his legal wording will be top-notch.

Okay,

so it starts with, and it's as with everything that dad's written, an array of font sizes.

Lovely.

Some things in bold

parts.

Different fonts.

Different fonts.

Different fonts for different ones, James.

So the top of the piece.

It's almost like a letterhead, I guess.

It's in a different font.

It says, from the desk of legal law firm of reputation and services granted

beer wagon, Dirchenwald and Zetkin.

Okay.

So I'm assuming that's the law firm.

Beer Wagon.

Beer Wagon, Comma, or Beerwagen Dirchenfold is one name.

How can you rattle it off so quickly?

Yeah, wow.

Good memory.

Beer Wagon is one.

Yeah, comma.

Oh, it's the three participants.

It's the partners of the law firm.

Yes, fine.

I would imagine.

And one of them is called John Beerwagon, we're supposed to believe.

Like, that's the surname.

B-I-E-R-W-A-G-N.

Beerwagon.

Okay, and then it goes into quite large writing,

which is the people that it involves.

So Bisch Hairsterling, semicolon, of East Berlin, semicolon.

Contract with Semicolon.

Wayne Burt.

Wayne Burt.

Have you worked in Lord James?

Have you?

Wayne Burt, Semicolon.

Of Berlin Die

Chudchidringlingsch.

James.

Stadt de Schlussel Klink.

So that's Stadt is Street and Klink is, I presume.

Klink.

Klink.

Well,

do you remember?

He was in prison at the time for stealing the beans.

Stealing the beans.

And Bisch made a deal to break him out.

So this was the deal they did to break him out of prison.

So the army arrested him.

Well, he was arrested because the army found out he was a thief.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

So Bish said, you can get out, but I have to have 10% of the benefits.

I want 10% of your company.

It was like Dragon's Den.

Yeah, so this is that contract.

They don't get cons.

I want 10% of your beans for 50% of your business.

So, James, do you want to get Google Translate out?

Just to

God, we're going to have to spell it out now.

Die.

Yep.

Then you word U-N-D-U-R-C-H.

Yep.

D-R-I-N-G-L-I-C-H-E.

That was far too fast.

This is what I mean.

Try reading it.

So where are you up to?

You.

D.

U-N-D-U-R.

Fucking L.

U-R-C-H.

C-H-D-R.

Is this a different word?

No.

Same word.

Same word.

D-R.

I-N.

I-N.

G-G-L-I.

L-I.

C-H-E.

C-H-E.

Great content, guys.

New word S-T-A-D-T.

Yeah.

Space.

D-E-R.

Space.

Oh, fuck God's sake.

S-C-H-R-E.

Are you for real?

Honestly, you with two little with like a like a little

bit.

S-S-E-L.

What a thorough waste of everybody's time.

Where was Clink?

Oh, and then Clink.

The impenetrable city of the Key, Clink.

Right.

Is that a real place?

Does that just mean prison?

Maybe that's the type of prison, like telling you in Strangeways or something.

So he put...

Say what it means.

So Wayne Burt of Berlin, the impenetrable city of the Key Klink.

What was the guy called?

The Master of the Keys?

Oh, the Grand

Master of Keys.

Of the Keys?

Nothing to that, great.

Similar-ish.

Anyway, so that's the prison.

This is the deal between Wayne Burt and Bisch Hairsterling.

Great.

Clause one.

Oh my god, how have we not even begun?

Bisch Hairsterling, brackets BH,

and will therefore be referred to as BH henceforth.

Contract to bust out Z Klink, Z above-named Wayne Burt, brackets WB.

Why is that a bit Germany?

Oh, this whole thing is a kind of Germany.

I guess it's a German contract.

Yeah, but that's...

Z Klink.

Wayne Burt, WB,

U.S.

American citizen.

All one word.

They're lucky the guards didn't get hold of this contract beforehand and were like, hang on, what?

Bust out of this.

Bust out of clink?

I like to think that it was maybe smuggled in in like a birthday cake or something.

None other soul than WB will be removed from said clink.

That's good to know.

No floozies, bartenders, accordion players, or other riffraffs.

What year is it?

Why is it Fat Sam's grand slams?

Or other riffraff present in Z cell will be accommodated.

I can't cope if it keeps saying z.

Clause two.

God, I hope he doesn't share a fucking cell with an accordion player.

Can you imagine how fucking annoying that would be?

You can have as much as you want on the business.

Just get me out of here with fucking Norman.

Everyone's shoelaces and belts get confiscated, but their accordion can stay.

Clause two.

WB will agree to our client.

Stop it.

Stop it now.

Does it say V-I-L-L?

Stop it.

Say will.

I can't wear it.

WB

will agree to our clients.

B-H is very honorous terms with zero negotiation acceptable to negotiate.

Ziz is

Z take Zit or leave Zit type material.

Take Zit or Leaves it.

I love that.

This is the kind of thing Rocky would put in a normal contract.

It's take it or leave Zit.

That's sort of his motto for life.

Also, to describe your own terms as honorous.

At least you know what you're getting into.

It's a kind of no negotiation, negotiation.

Clause three.

BH is engaging in the hazardous and risky business of

rule breaking.

Why is it in stupid German?

Yeah, why is it this garbled English?

It's legalese, guys.

Start with a Z.

There's nothing easy about it.

So this is the hazardous and risky business of rule breaking.

The exact coordinates are as states.

Can I just say it's not the risky business of rule breaking?

It's against the law.

Yeah, it's slightly more than rule breaking.

You're breaking out a criminal and you've been involved in like just that huge fraud.

Addendum one to clause three.

What page are we on?

One.

Paragraph one.

Upon.

Do you know what I have to say?

They're quite, these early clauses are quite all-encompassing, so I think we get the gist.

Like, it's a pretty shit deal, but you have to accept it as no negotiation.

And it probably lasts in perpetuity throughout the universe.

So these are the.

Z universe.

The exact coordinates are estates, so I assume this is the deal.

Upon such satisfaction, be granted

to WB,

Wainbert, BH, Bish Hessening.

We don't think it's Warner Brothers and Benson and Hedges, so I'd calm down.

Benson and Hedges.

I couldn't think of

BH will pull down the shutters and play dead when the so-called authorities start calling on Zem.

V shall be stumbled so the escape plan was he went to these coordinates and played dead.

No.

So he's, so Wainbert's in prison.

So Bisch Herson will pull down the shutters of play dead.

So the shutters of the prison.

Sorry, why can Bish pull down the shutters?

Excuse me, sir.

Could you lock up the prison for the night?

I'm not going to meet my wife and kids for dinner.

Just pop the shutters down.

No, yeah, that's the lead.

Are you locking up tonight?

And then play dead.

Play dead.

What?

Just curl up in a ball on the floor.

So when um so when the so-called authorities start calling on them.

The so-called authorities, what?

So BH will pull down the shutters and play dead.

Yeah.

When the so-called authorities start calling on them.

V shall be stung.

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What changed for the team today?

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Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

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Okay, so so far, Bert's still in the prison.

Yeah.

And Bisch is outside playing dead.

I mean, that's...

And Bisch Haerstelung as well, which is like the whole company.

This isn't a contract between just Bisch.

Oh, I thought that was Bisch's full name.

No, Haerstering means manufacturing in German.

That's the company name.

So the whole company...

of Bisch Herstelo, it's like the whole of Steel's pots and pans.

It's in this company.

They're going to play dead outside the shutters.

flash mob.

They will do a synchronized routine.

You don't stop believing.

Addendum two.

Agent Bratfish.

Shut up.

Bratfish.

Bratfish.

And fish is with the F-I-S-C-H.

Oh, German.

It doesn't matter.

Agent Bratfish with Z big bazooka titties

will seduce the Guard Warden Man.

Is a German lawyer reading this?

Is that why it's written like this?

Yeah, it's Beer Wagon

Of course it is.

Right, fine.

So, Agent Bratford, she's new on the scene, and she's part of

Bishing.

She's just somebody who's employed in case they ever need to break anybody out of prison.

On retainer.

Because she's got bazooka breasts.

Sure.

Are they actually bazookas?

Is she going to shoot guards and stuff?

Zibig bazooka titties.

I don't know.

So she will seduce the guard warden man.

She will pull down her blouse to reveal bra frills and flesh.

This will then be lowered to full nipple area with an invite to sniff Zetit.

Sniff Zetit.

What a plan!

What an airtight plan.

Agent Bratfish will.

Why is that invite woven into the contract?

I mean, like, do what you want whilst you're on the mission, but does that really need to be a clause?

Who sniffs Zet?

It's a good question.

This will then be low.

Oh, that, yes, to full nipple area.

To To sniff as he teeth.

Once sniffed, the guard warden man will be ready for sleepy bedtime due to drug mist.

So there's drug mist in the sniffy teeth.

In the sniffy teeth.

Oh, so they're not.

So it's not that somebody would want to sniff the teeth, but they'll go sort of like nose first to the teeth.

She might push their head in her bosom and then they'll bazookas.

So this is what's going on.

Sorry, and the nipple is releasing the mist, the gas?

The drug mist.

I assume, maybe.

But presumably, like, you know, they're not too far from her nostril, so

she could knock herself out.

They're right underneath, yeah.

Yeah, with her own teats, she could be knocked out.

This is what is known as a booby trap.

I feel like I should stand.

That's excellent.

Have all the books been built into that, yeah.

That is one of the best jokes I've ever heard in my life.

Booby trap.

You know, when a kid finds the word booby really funny for like a certain period of their life, I feel like that's a joke that a kid would learn and be like, what's a booby trap?

And he'd be like,

I would maybe like sneer if a five-year-old told me that joke.

Oh my God, that is.

Who knew Addendum 2 would have joke of the year inside it?

Booby Trap!

Just sniff Z-Teet.

I can't recover from it, and I shan't.

So sniff Z-Teet, and that is a booby trap.

Addendum 3.

BH will ensure WB escapes to Z the land of z dikes and ziz at no further cost to win

z dikes and z's because yeah it was

z dykes and z

z calm down

what is z

the z i don't i i i just assume that he every z is meant to be an siz James they're taking him to ZZ's what's he talking about they're taking him to the pizza chain ZZ the popular high street Italian chain.

ZZ.

He will be dropped at a local ZZ's.

From there, weatherspoons.

And doughballs.

Because is it Holland that's...

Is that Land of the Dykes?

What are you talking about?

Land of the Dykes.

What?

Holland?

Just Google.

I actually don't know.

What's a dyke?

They're in the sea, aren't they?

Land of the Dykes and Windmills, or Life in Holland, that's a book.

Right.

Yeah.

I thought it had something to do with Holland.

Because that's where Peter is based.

So that's where Dr.

Robbins lived.

Why is he talking, James, like this?

Makes sense.

It's what makes me the most annoyed out of everything is when he takes on this tone and he's like, Oh, yeah, so that's Holland.

That's Holland.

Yeah, I thought it was.

Yeah, I thought it was Holland.

Land of Zykes.

Yeah.

ZZ's.

Why don't you go to ZZ's?

Why don't you go to fucking ZZ's right now?

We have to have our little rat party at ZZ's now, don't we?

So we'll escape to the land of Z Dykes and

ZZs.

Stop it.

At no further cost to WB.

All will be dealt with by BH.

Yes.

Good.

Clause four.

Oh, Christ alive.

BH will take an modest interest in

this has been gone through with a fine tooth comb, I can see.

BH will take an modest interest in the business interests of WB.

Z company.

Can you imagine contracting a modest interest?

I will be taking a modest interest.

It doesn't say anything.

It does if you read.

How do you measure modest?

Z company called Bert's Baked Beans.

There it is.

Yeah, that was never clarified.

That the three B's, so that's what it is.

Burt's Baked Beans.

Okay.

Burt's Baked Beans, Gessel

Schnaft, Mitt.

Shop, that means, doesn't it?

Oh, does it?

Okay.

Oh, no.

Mitt, Bes Kranketer.

Okay, take it back.

It doesn't mean that.

Huftung, Brackets GmbH.

Are you going to make me Google it?

Just can I be asked?

It means a load of shit, is what it means.

Oh, it's come up.

Has it?

Company with limited liability.

It's an LTD.

Oh, well, that's the German equivalent.

This is like when he did the PTY thing.

I mean, the fact that it's actually a thing has surprised me.

Wow.

So a German LTD is a what?

A, well, GMBH

or a Gesellschaft mit best charkenter Haftung.

It's not Giselle surname.

No, that's legit.

That is a company type in Germany.

You study German, you say it.

You've got a bad company.

Oh, God.

Gesellschaft mit beschrinkter

Haftung.

Okay.

So that company will convey 10% of all its profits, assets, buildings, including the future stocks, obviously baked beans, wagons and horses, hand carts.

Wagons and horses, so we're not in a Western.

So what year was this contract written?

It was post-Cold War, or during the Cold War, I believe.

Yeah, so 80s.

Yeah.

Or earlier, because the Cold War lasted for years.

So why is it written about like ocarina players and bloody like horses and petticoats and stuff?

Hand carts.

Wagons and horses, hand carts and merchandise, which may or may not be sold in the future.

Clause five.

Of how many, dare I ask?

Actually, we're coming towards the end.

We're already nearly on on page three.

The end of page two.

Have you heard how long each sentence is?

And also, the erratic font size.

Also, writing in really long German words, which really uses up a lot of space.

Clause five.

During the final interview with WB, it is a necessary condition that he be subjected to the continually repeated F side of the Frankie Goes to Hollywood vinyl album.

Ludicrous.

I mean, I.

What?

I pass on to my colleague here.

This is to ensure that WB reaches the top and will not stop working his business when BH makes its investment.

Do you understand any of that?

Well, it sounds like he's got to be regularly played a Frankie Goes to Hollywood album.

The F side.

The F side.

That's the name of the album, or that's the side of the record.

To encourage him.

Maybe because it's.

I haven't heard the album, but presumably it's like really poppy, motivating songs to make him

make him what?

I don't know.

I don't know what

the end of the clause says.

WB must remember, shooting stars never stop.

Is that a lyric?

So maybe.

Ziz is the BH Company motto.

Shooting stars never stop.

That's the baked bean company motto.

No, that's Bish Haersterling's.

Even weirder!

Even fucking weirder!

Also taken from a Frankie Ghost to Hollywood song.

Shooting stars never stop.

I think your dad needs to be institutionalised.

I really do.

Like, for his own benefit.

Something terrible is happening.

I don't care what the institution is.

I just think that's...

Just lock the doors.

Round the clock staff, just to keep an eye out.

He must close as he stutters.

Just play dead.

They're lyrics from a song by Frankie Ghost Tollywood called Welcome to the Pleasure Dome.

Oh, that's a famous song.

That is a famous song.

Other lyrics include The World is My Oyster.

That's probably more appropriate.

Did he create that?

Did Frankie Ghost Tollywood?

I don't know.

That's a well-known phrase.

It was only created in 1982.

It's in common parliament.

Can I read a few here, actually?

The first verse is, the animals are winding me up.

The jungle call, the jungle call.

Because it makes as much sense as Rocky.

Isn't that interesting, though?

Like, an amazing, like, cutting-edge band like Frankie Osa Hollywood makes no sense.

Dad, he's ahead of his time.

Jamie, an amazing cutting-edge band.

What's he on about?

When they, you know, came out in the 80s.

Yeah.

Here's another one.

I will give you diamonds by the shower.

Like stood by the shower or by...

Oh, maybe it means like, I will shower you diamonds.

The unit is shower.

God, maybe nothing in culture would stand up to the scrutiny of James and Alice's critiques.

Keep moving on, got to reach to the top.

Shooting stars never stop.

Oh, so yeah, well, there you go.

Play it, James.

I'll play it to you, but for rights reasons, we can't play it on the podcast.

Well, I think everybody can play a little bit of it to themselves now, just to get, I guess, into the headspace.

Of Dad when he wrote this contract.

Of Rocky losing his mind, and of, I guess, Bert when he's most efficient.

It's 13 minutes 40 long.

And how many times does he have to listen to it?

Every time he works, I think.

No, it's in the final.

It's about a shift, yeah.

It's in the final interview and just continually repeated.

Well, that would drive me mad.

Listen to that on loop.

It's worse than the accordion player.

I'd be like, put me back in with the accordion player.

So clause six.

Upon successful termination of the final interview, WB

will be strapped to the chair and the tattoo artist Ehrlich III will make the lasting from a family of tattoo artists.

the lasting impression of the water-tightness of Z's contract on the body part of choice, namely the three B's as such.

And he chose his head.

BBB.

Why would you choose your head?

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game, Day Scratches from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

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Yeah, well, where would you choose if you wanted to have a little discreet...

Oh my god, like hip, so like it was always hidden by your pampas or whatever.

Bum!

Bum!

Well, you're never going to see it.

Well, it might be a single sound.

Someone's see your bum.

bum well you won't see your bum i suppose yes well someone's going to see everything i hate to break it to you there are people outside of this room that will see it all

not if you're a never nude

maybe behind the oh no behind the ear well girls with hair like yeah well that's kind of what he did with his top of his head that

covered by

your head though toupe with it so he either was bold to start with or he shaved his head to have that tattoo and or the trauma of having the top of your head tattooed made all his hair fall out

do you guys have tattoos tattoos?

I think I've ever asked this.

No, not one.

I'm as plain as the driven snow.

Is that the phrase?

No.

Alice, do you.

As white as the driven snow?

As pure?

Plain as the...

Pure, maybe.

Pure as the driven snow.

I just have the My Diverto Porno tree.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I have it.

On your art.

Yeah, MDWAP.

I have that.

Yeah, obviously we all have that.

And our parents made us get it at 18, and we don't know why.

Which cheek?

Left off.

Would you ever?

A tattoo?

Yeah, I do want to get one actually, but I just don't know what.

Would you get the Majabra porno?

The 3B tree.

Would you get the logo?

The 3B tree.

What the Madabra porno logo?

Yeah.

Oh my god, guys, should we all get it?

Would you get it?

So, like, this is a huge part of our lives.

I mean, because wasn't it in, we should ask Elijah, all the guys from Lord of the Rings, I think all the actors of the fellowship got the same tattoo.

Well, I would, I don't know if I get the logo.

I've toyed with like a little Belinda in like a nice italic.

Have you honestly, on your arm?

arm?

Maybe, maybe like top of the arm.

Oh my god, that'll look like it's your girlfriend.

Yeah.

Well, where else would I?

Or your mum?

Oh, who's Belinda?

I've just some sex maniac from a book that my friend's dad wrote.

Or just a little BB or verb to make it the tree.

No fucking way.

I'm not signing anything.

If you're getting a girl's name and a love heart and it's not your mother's on your arm, they'll be all hell to pay.

Yeah, she'll freak.

I think this is to be discussed off air because, I mean, James has obviously thought about it way more than we have.

You say this, but loads of listeners, and I do mean loads, because they send us these all the time, have gotten various tattoos of things from the books.

There was one recent, three girls who all listened together got WWBD.

What would Belinda do?

Who would Belinda do?

Yeah, of course.

My bad.

A few pomegranates.

Yeah, pomegranates are popular.

Did you see that one across somebody's back that went over the shoulders and it was Mr.

Hushman in the mouse costume?

I'm joking.

I was like, no.

Yeah, so like, you know, other people have been inked because of this show.

Maybe we should follow suit.

Alice is making eyes like she's genuinely serious about it, which is worrying, but

we'll be bound together forever.

Well, I notice you're both not saying on mic whether you'll do it, which is very wise.

Well, let's talk about it off mic.

Yeah.

That means no.

That means no.

I'd like to see the contract before I sign anything.

Fair enough.

I'll write something up.

And you know, if we got it, you know who would definitely get it.

Rocky.

Okay, so you're going to get the BBB.

Venzi blood has drained.

Denzi tattoos are finished.

WB.

The blood's drained.

Fucking hell.

WB will be given his new identity as Dr.

Peter Robbins with a gaily coloured toupee free of charge.

Onzi House.

Thank you.

What an unnecessary sweetener.

We'll throw in a toupee.

I don't really want to be involved in this massive breakout and then forevermore, you know, linked to you inextricably so that I have to do all your like dirty dealings.

A toupee, you say.

now there's a toupee on offer it's gaily coloured what's that mean what does gaily coloured mean rainbow toupee

he will then be transported to his new land and leather desk job at rouse's supermarkets head office look at jamie like smirking i'm like

what hand on the hip as well i'm just so impressed that dad like because

impressed is not a word that crossed my mind he clearly like lives and breathes this world so much so that he's taken the time to, I mean, not that long, to write up a contract that will never be seen.

I just

can't think of a more futile exercise.

Addendum four.

B.H.

Can you have addendum four from a different clause or a different clause?

Oh, good question.

No, I think it would go back to one.

Because it's, yeah.

That's the issue here, yeah.

Addendum four.

BH will operate his Burt's baked beans shops in his absence.

I'd call that more than an addendum.

I'd say that should be its own flaws.

That's quite a big thing.

Who reads the addendums?

I own 10% of your business, but I also run your business.

How do you know he had shops?

Baked beans shops.

Hoard-ceiling tins of beans.

I'd love to try that one.

Shops?

A shop?

What?

I thought he was just like...

ferrying them through on the black market.

What's in the shop?

Just different size tins of beans.

Because he doesn't even like make them.

They can't be different flavours because it's all stolen.

So fill your own, like take your own container.

Exactly.

Do you know what, though?

In this day and age in East London, a baked bean shop, you'd probably make a cereal shop.

It's like the cereal shop.

Oh my god.

Go in and just have a bowl of beans.

Or beans of the colours.

Hot or cold, madam.

Then you pick all your toppings.

Pick your base.

Legal or contraband.

No, we only stop BBB here.

You've never heard of it.

It's one of the biggest military beating boxes.

You clearly don't know your military pulses, do you?

Clause seven.

This is the last clause, you'd be glad to know.

Thank God.

Clause seven.

This is the customary NDA section.

Customary?

For those inexperienced, this is Zis Simple and stands for never discuss anything.

It's not, but cool.

It's non-disclosure agreement for anyone who doesn't know.

It's not never talk.

What was it?

Never discuss anything.

Yeah, it's not that.

Okay, and so this contract is obviously signed.

Is it?

Hang on, I thought it was satisfactory.

They're signed on their skin.

So they signed the contract and the tattoos.

Oh, my God.

It's also signed.

Oh, is it like one of those digital signatures?

He signed it with different handwriting fonts.

Like you do at school, where you pick a twirly-whirly one.

Let me see.

What have we got?

One's in one that's usually used for like kind of greasy spoon menus.

Like that one is like quite greasy spoon menu.

Yeah.

And then Wayne Burt's is very fancy.

Very kind of.

Full italics.

Full italics.

That's like...

That's like the standard one on Microsoft Word.

So signed Wolfgang Bisch, Bisch Hairsterling, and signed Wayne Burt, Burt's Baked Beans G-M-B-H.

That's it's called Brush Script, I think.

If you want to see Wayne Burt's signature, it's Brush Script.

Just write Wayne Burt in Brush Script and it'll go.

Very easily forged.

That's why they need the tattoo.

So wait, is the tattoo just a second, as we discussed earlier, a sort of second round

of security?

Must be

absolutely absurd.

So, the tattoo thing, completely pointless.

Fascinating, though.

Why didn't they get that third-generation tattooist involved?

Ehrlich III.

Ehrlich.

Wasn't it Erlich?

Erlich III, Alistair Veen.

It's not his fault.

He's just doing his job.

What did Ehrlich think?

When he's called to a boardroom and they've got the contracts out and they're like, Ehrlich, we're ready.

Frankie goes to Hollywood is playing.

He's like, anybody want a dolphin on their spine?

It's like, no, different Ehrlich today, different.

No, a tree on the bolts, please.

Although, if he is the third generation, why is he making them believe?

It's like gushing blood, was it?

Or dripping, or once it dries, or drained, drained, drained.

That was it.

Yes, there you go.

So,

has that helped?

Has that given us any

further insight into this deal?

I don't know.

No, it's just kind of compounded the crazy, I think.

It's just kind of reaffirmed everything that was said in the chapter.

Okay, well, that's it, I think.

You know, I had a good time, even if it wasn't that interesting.

Just a lovely time.

But, did Digiol you isn't...

Oh, what are you signing off?

I had a good time, even if everybody else hated it.

I mean, that's just sort of how we feel about my damn re porno, isn't it?

It's like, we had a nice time.

Yeah, we just like doing it.

We just like hanging out.

But yeah, next week is the final episode of this series.

So tune in next Monday to find out who's knocking on that door.

And guys, you know, I love a party.

So I hate to be banging on about it, but we do have a listening party on Monday, August the 2nd.

8 p.m.

UK time.

We'll all press play at exactly the same moment and be tweeting along using the hashtag Alice.

Hashtag porno day.

So we'll see you there.

Get your Belinda beers in, get your beans in.

Oh, yeah, everyone have beans on toast.

Oh my god, that's all right.

Yes!

Beans on toast!

Beans on toast and beer.

Can you imagine how flatulent everyone's gonna be?

Oh my god, there'll be gentleman wolfs all over the world.

What a cloud.

So come back on Monday for the season finale.

Woo!

Woo!

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

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