S6E8 - 'Hush, Little Belinda, Don't You Cry'

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the the good stuff.

Gutenthag!

It's my dad around a porner.

We're in Berlin, if you recall.

Oh, right.

I thought we'd neglected our German listeners, and so you're sort of bringing them in.

I don't think we have any German listeners anymore, honestly.

Good point.

Very good point.

We'll Gutentag to you both.

Gutenberg.

Gutenthag, Guten Tag.

Sorry, I was so late.

Yeah, it's very unlike you.

Oh my god, I was like 20 minutes late.

Sorry, I'm very hassled today.

This is the gateway rudeness.

This is where it begins.

Thank God it's not a live podcast, James.

Seriously, I was literally running here and on the way, like this thing caught my eye in a window.

Someone's got a cutout of Harry Stiles, like looking like he's peeking out the window.

You were like, do you want to go on footnotes?

Oh, it's only a cutout.

Give me the willies.

But I thought it was a person like peeking out of the window.

It's so well placed.

They look like they're peeking out the window.

Life size.

Honestly, it gave me the fright of my life.

You do love him, though, James.

Yeah, and and then i was like how no it's not harry what era uh oh very early like what makes you beautiful oh oh a young styles you know when he's got the like kind of farrah forcet curls around his face so what is he kind of like a scarecrow why is he there i have no idea but honestly it really um took my breath away

that's why you're flustered

yeah it was it was weird i mean i'm used to like you know thank you nhs

um vote labor all that sort of thing i've never seen a harry Styles in the window.

Oh, you think it's a political statement?

Bring back One Direction.

I actually quite like One Direction.

You spotted the star quality of Harry Stiles very early on.

I did.

We were watching X Factor and I remember Jamie saying, that guy's going to be a star.

No, you did it.

On his first ever audition, I did.

You and Simon Cowell.

I also called Jennifer Lawrence and who was.

You did call Jennifer Lawrence.

You did.

I mean, not early.

You did call her.

You called that she would be a star.

You would.

Meryl Streep.

You were the first to discover her.

No, but there was.

Meryl Streep, I beg your pardon.

Meryl.

Street to you, exactly.

No, there were just some people that you can really see have star quality, I think.

He had a very good feeling about Elizabeth II.

She will go on and prosper.

She's going to go far.

I have the opposite because famously James and I went to see Adele's earliest game.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, we went to see Adele in a tiny little club in Birmingham.

Like right at the start.

I loved it.

Oh, you loved it, and you were loved.

But Alice,

I said,

He's just like, what an incredible voice.

I was like, nah, never.

And then I really backed the support artist who was like.

Natty.

You love Natty.

I really put my money on Natty and he let me down.

I haven't seen Natty in a window.

Let's just put it that way.

And I'm not going to lie to you, Adele has fucking smashed it.

So I'm pretty livid.

That's £10 I'll never see again.

But yeah.

Sorry, I took us down a complete rabbit hole there.

No, please.

it's always good to talk.

Let's get back to the books, though.

Gotta save that for off, Mike.

But oh well.

So it was a very eventful chapter last time.

She wants to move on, Jim.

No, there's a lot to recap, I think, because Belinda had to go to Berlin because Mr.

Hushman was there with the blueprints and she went to a sex party.

So I had sex with Mr.

Hushman, who was dressed as a mouse, if you remember.

And then a mysterious figure joined them and joined the threesome.

And

Belinda thought that she recognised the taste of her vagina.

and

also, and this may never be resolved, but we still don't know who shot the gun at Steele's Pots and Pans that killed George Sylvester.

We don't.

And we also don't know why the last chapter was called HS2.

There's so many things.

I wanted to talk about this.

HS2 is like a, I think we talked about it.

It's like a high-speed train line.

Why was it even mentioned?

It was about a pizza delivery guy and Berlin.

I know.

Very, very strange.

Guys, you'd have to know everything all the time.

Like, some mysteries are better left unsolved.

I think this chapter title has a bit more clarity to it.

Well, the last two have just been letters, so it'd be nice if it was words.

But this chapter is called Hush, Little Belinda, Don't You Cry.

Adorable.

There's something really creepy about that.

Yeah, it's a lullaby, isn't it?

Hush, Little Belinda, Don't Say a Word.

Don't you cry.

Don't you cry.

Then what's the normal lyrics?

Hush.

Daddy's gonna buy you a marking bird.

It's like, Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby.

Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby.

Why are you singing it RB style?

Why didn't it?

A marking bird.

I don't know.

So bretty.

It's just my natural talent.

So, hush, little Belinda, don't say a word.

Don't you cry.

Don't you cry.

Daddy's gonna buy you a mark.

Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby.

No wonder she thought Adele was shit.

Jesus.

That doesn't rhyme.

Oh no, yeah.

I hear it now.

I hear it.

What would be a better title would be Hushman Little Belinda?

Oh,

there's another pun to be had.

Hushman Little Belinda, don't you cry?

Doesn't make sense.

Okay, ready?

Ready?

Ready?

Belinda Blinks 6, Chapter 8.

Hush, Little Belinda, Don't You Cry.

The sexy lady with no name was a good responder to oral sex.

This is the mystery woman.

The mystery woman who joined them.

So there's a mouse, there's a Belinda, there's a mystery woman.

With a mouth full of minge.

We don't say minge.

In this house.

In this house.

With a mouth full of minge.

Goodness, we're also just kind of sat here just listening.

Just everything, nothing reacting.

Just washing over us.

With a mouth full of minge, Belinda was still trying to place her taste.

She had long lost count of her conquests.

How could a busy business person like her possibly name every lover she'd ever had?

Well, no one's asking her to.

From Clint to Hushman.

Well, you can narrow it down by people with vaginas.

So I think Mr.

Hushman and Clint are out because I think they had penises.

Yes, that's quite a good filtering system.

I think maybe it's because Clint was her first.

We know that.

Lots of genetics to Clint and Hushman, the background goon, is the most recent person that she's felt playing with.

That's what she was trying to do with that.

Even a girl with an unnatural attraction to Excel spreadsheets could not be expected to keep track.

Well, people do keep lists, and I am actually surprised at Belinda.

I would have thought she'd go straight to a hard drive and

get that in.

Notes on a phone.

Well, exactly.

Did you ever do a list?

No, and I think I've forgotten some people.

No offence.

I kind of wish I had done a list, but.

And would you put everything on there?

So, like, kisses, blowjobs, like

kisses.

Fucking hell.

You know me, I love a snog.

I mean, I mean, are there files big enough?

New cells, please.

I'm going to need an external hard drive for that.

Am I right?

But it's a good question.

What can I do?

Well, people, no, people do.

That's what I mean.

No, they don't.

They do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's why they have it on devices that they can easily add to on an evening.

Who are these people?

Like the person that we know definitely did.

No, but not on the evening.

Oh, no, not on the evening.

Okay, but like that night or the next morning.

And they log kisses.

Yeah.

Well, how detailed do they go?

Well, there's loads of cells.

So like kisses.

Loads of cells.

Loads of columns.

Yeah.

Wait a sec.

So they would put kisses, you blow jobs.

Would they put like above the clothes fondling?

Well, this is the thing, you get into kind of what constitutes what.

Maybe, I don't really know.

Because the bases have never been satisfactory for me.

Because what are the bases exactly?

First base is kissing, right?

Yeah.

Second base is handy things.

And then third is mouthy things.

And fourth is full things.

Well, fourth is very heteronormative because I feel like fourth is penetrative.

Right.

Isn't it?

Right.

I don't know.

I don't know.

The bases were not created in a time of great inclusivity.

Guys, should we cancel the bases?

Cancel the bases.

Cancel the bases.

The bases are no longer valid.

We do not subscribe to your basism.

I may be wrong, and people will correct me.

There might be other base systems, but I think that is at least one base system.

But why do people keep that data in such detail?

For what purpose?

I know, it's weird.

Not weird.

Sorry.

It's unusual.

Maybe it's unusual.

It is each their own.

No, sorry.

I'm going with this one.

It is weird.

I think.

My thing is, I have a terrible memory i'm not saying i wouldn't remember sleeping with somebody that's like

although but over time over time but then what you'd see them again you'd be like give me a moment and then you'd flick through your excel document like and go

i'd be betting actually i thought it was more

well now we're undecided aren't we because that list would have come in very helpful there well actually dad helped us out because uh belinda then said and did it matter anyway right okay i don't want any of this

no whether she knew who it was or not right Belinda always looked forward in life and was often heard to say, Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your future.

So who cares if it was also your past?

Bob's your uncle.

Fanny's your aunt.

Usually.

Usually.

Bob's your uncle.

Bish is your step uncle.

Fanny's your future.

As the old saying goes.

Run for cover.

What a family.

What a family.

What a fucking shit show.

As she pondered this, the masked sex mistress beckoned Belinda and Mr.

Hushman, the background goon, to the couple's cave of cuddles.

Ew.

Cuddle.

In a really...

Ew.

To cuddles.

In a highly sexual context.

You're so.

To cuddle?

She can't remember how many people have sex with her saying no to cuddles.

I can remember.

I can remember.

People must think you're very frosty.

No, thank you.

I've only just met you.

No, my thing is, in a highly sexual context, a cuddle.

is a little bit of a sexual.

Yeah, cuddles are very like post-coital.

They're not like...

Pre-coital.

Is it a thing?

Or during coital.

Or coital.

Coital.

Same as thing.

Coital.

But I just think there's something about, like, if you're about to have sex with somebody and they go, can I have a cuddle?

They're just like, can you not?

Also, what is it?

The couples cave of cuddles.

So that's where just couples go to cuddle.

In a cave?

Or is it special cuddles?

Like, is it like sexy cuddle?

Is that a euphemism for something else, which is even worse?

That is a horrible euphemism for sex, isn't it?

Like, shall we go upstairs and have a cuddle?

Especially at a BDSM party where you'd think it'd be a bit more upfront.

Yeah, because it's all very transparent.

Yeah.

Blood pumping, Belinda half-legged it to the CC.

The couple's cave of cuddles.

Yes, thank you.

It was more private and had the added advantage of superior soundproof coverings on both ceiling and wall.

As they continued where they left off, the threesome made hay.

By rights, the cave of cuddles, another cock.

Oh, yeah.

It's a kirk.

What's a a kirk?

It's how you would say cock.

It's a kirk.

It's a kirk.

Kirk.

Oh, no.

Good mirror in the kirk.

It's a kirk.

Someone else sent us another Oscar-winning actor saying moerning, by the way.

I don't need to hear it, Oscar.

Okay, fine, it was Maggie Smith in downtown me, but you know, she said it.

Got it.

All the dames.

If you want to just live your life copying dames, you go right ahead, Jamie.

He has spent his life just copying dames.

What's Joan Flowwright done recently?

She's been moving.

Despicable.

Do you think when he was a child, that's who he had on his wall?

Yeah.

Maggie Smith.

Judy Dimm.

Maggie Smith in a skimpy bikini rolling in the sand.

Maggie Smith is quite hot back in the day, I know.

No, I'm sure, but she's not really known as a pin-up in that sense.

No, but Helen Mirren still is.

Dame, Helen Mirror.

Dame, exactly.

Dame, Helen Mirren.

You had a calendar of dames, didn't you?

No.

You know, like when you see in garages in the 90s, those kind of very raunchy calendars where oiled up girls in, you know, not very much.

You had the equivalent, didn't you?

But it was in sort of Edwardian garb.

Lots of dames in period dramas,

neck ruffles, Edith Evans, Maggie Smith in The Little Princess.

Trying to think who else is a dame you might like.

Arlene Phillips is about to become a dame, you'll be pleased about that.

Dame Kelly Holmes, is she a dame?

Oh, so really broadening it out.

It's not just actors, now yeah.

Are there any more like of those like old thespie dames?

Oh, yeah, like Dame Chris and Scott Thomas.

Chris and Scott Thomas.

Yes, yeah.

Dame.

I mean, you can name them all.

He's pretending he can't think of them.

Who's July?

Basically.

Any like older actress is probably a dame if they're British, right?

Emma Thompson, obviously.

Oh, Dame Anson.

Yeah, exactly.

Dame Ann.

December.

Jamie, I've googled some dames here.

Let's see how he responds.

Fit or not?

Well, you tell me.

Dame Diana Rigg.

Dead.

That's not the name.

Well, yeah.

These are people I think Jamie had posters of on his.

Okay, can I just say, I didn't have posters of dames of the realm.

Calendar, then, sorry.

No, but Dame Dana Rigg was hot back in the day.

Dame Dana Rigg, Dame Judy Dench, Dame Maggie Smith, Dame Helen Mirren, Dame Barbara Winson.

There you go.

She was saucy, wasn't she?

Back in the day.

Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, wonderful.

No doubt, Angela Lansbury.

Beth, you loved a bit of Lansbow.

A bit of 10-year-old Jamie

lying on his bed, looking at, probably on his ceiling, a poster of Lansbow.

Joan Collins, obviously.

Is she a dame?

Because I've just given them out.

That's a rude.

Dame Olivia de Havilland.

Don't know who that is.

I guess she owned a plane.

She was very, very...

She was in like Common of the Wind and stuff.

She was 104 when she died, buddy.

104, better Jamie.

Penelope Keith.

Penelope Keith.

Right, we need to stop this list out.

Olivia Newton-John.

I could go June Winfield.

This list.

Patricia Rootledge, who was in Keeping Up Appearances, which I love.

Well, guys, this has been fun, but we all know that I had that Britney Spears post from my wall.

Dame Brittany.

Dame Brittany Spears.

Any day now.

You two would totally lobby for that.

What are you talking about?

Did you jump from those women to Britney?

This is a gear change, isn't it?

Life-size, it was as well.

Did you press yourself up against the door?

Because she was, like, it was at sort of the right height.

It was quite life-size, it was.

Okay, anyway.

So they continued where they left off.

There's no shame in a day.

Just like we are going to continue where we left off.

There's no shame in a day.

Endlessly.

That's his motto.

The thing is, this is the least joke of a joke we've ever done.

I only sleep with women with titles.

Is that what you're saying?

A bit like Belinda.

As they continue where they left off, the threesome made hay.

Unlike in business, friendships or spy endeavours, Belinda began to leak.

Leak.

Unlike in business, friendships or spy endeavours.

Oh, she doesn't like give away information.

Oh.

But she's leaking either bodily fluids or information.

Well, in the cave, she does give stuff away all the time.

Oh, yeah, she just blabs to anyone who listens.

Unlike in business, friendships, or spy endeavours, Belinda began to leak from downstairs, below deck, the netherworld.

The nether world!

Stranger things.

Mr.

Hushman lay on his quite small back for a big fella.

What?

He's a tiny back.

How can you be a big fella and have a tiny back?

That's a really interesting image, isn't it?

A big lad with a tiny back.

You'd have to be like really pulled in and like...

Of all the bodily parts, like the back does tend to be proportionate.

His mouth opened like a clockwork toy.

How unfortunate.

And tongue lagging, he took in every drop of Belinda's dripping pussy.

Tongue lagging, so falling behind the opening.

So choking him.

Yeah, choking, really.

What a strange man.

Not asking for Tuesday, the background goon snuffled.

He just gave each other a very stern look.

Do you not allow us to at least look at each other for not asking for Tuesday?

For support, no?

Not even for a little bit of solidarity.

Just to try and understand that phrase.

Is it mundane?

He's like, I just don't want this to end.

Did Tuesday never come?

Possibly.

No, nothing.

Not asking for Tuesday.

The background goon snuffled and snaffled Belinda's accoutrement until her pubes were wet and her clit was dry.

Oh wow, something just came up actually.

It's wet.

I can deal with a lot of things.

The wet cubes, yeah, that gets me.

Like a matting or like a soaking soaking of pubes or like anything that's sort of like sticky pubes.

I just

we get it.

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So her peels were wet but her clit was dry.

Hello.

Belinda in full throng without a thong looked over to the lovely creature who had joined their union only moments before.

With a sexy shimmy the masked woman sexually unfastened Squeaky's tail from his mouse outfit.

He's still dressed as a mouse.

Belinda had heard of screwing, but unscrewing seemed odd at a sex dungeon garden party.

Great gag.

Great gag.

Sometimes she's underappreciated, actually.

If only she'd say some of this out loud, people might think she was funny.

People can't laugh at you, Belinda, if you will just think it.

What are you playing at?

He's close!

Belinda demanded, pumping the background goon's bona with all her might like a stiff butter churner of yesteryear.

Okay, number one, shout out to the butterchurners.

Number two, the unscrewing of the tail shouldn't necessarily distract him from the blossom or hand job or whatever's going on.

The lady friend said not a word.

Spritch, Frau!

Belinda screamed.

Oh, that was Belinda.

I thought that was Mr.

Hushman.

Has Mr.

Hushman spoke?

Yeah, he had a really high-pitched voice.

Oh, yes, of course.

I can't.

Wait for it.

Could the tail be something?

Could it be some kind of sword?

Weapon.

Yeah, well, a weapon or a tool.

A knife.

Any of these guys, any of these.

A slice knife.

So what's Berlinda do?

She yelled.

She said, Spritsch, Frau.

Speak woman?

No.

What's spricht?

Spricht.

Yeah, speaker.

S-P-R-I-C-H.

Yeah,

speak.

Speak woman, Berlinda screamed.

Worried Mr.

Hushman would fire a blank.

Fire a blank?

Oh, she's not trying to get pregnant.

No, what was that?

I want Michelle Hushman's babies.

I want a hush little baby.

Don't say a word.

Oh.

Oh.

She wants to crave little goon.

Oh my god.

Goon baby.

Are you having a boy or a girl?

I'm having a goon.

A litter of goons.

Doesn't like the limelight.

It's a background goon.

Mr.

Hushman, the background goon, had felt the shift in weight from the tail being removed from his costume.

The blueprints!

The blueprints are in the tail!

Why?

Why?

Why?

Oh, well, I'll just put these in the tail for the sex party.

What the fuck?

God,

what?

If these blueprints are on normal paper, I'm going to freak out.

They're not still intact.

They've been all over the fucking shop.

He squealed.

His eyes rolled from the back of his head to we join the scene.

Oh, so stupid.

How does the secret woman with a smelly pussy or whatever she's called?

How does she know that they're in the tail?

Oh my god.

What is it?

Tasty, tasty grotch.

What is it?

Because tasty, not smelly.

Like scented or whatever.

So wait, but how does the woman with the tasty minge know that it's in the tail?

And who is she?

And And why?

I didn't see a swing.

Belinda twigged just in time to see the mystery woman.

Oh, just in time to see the mystery woman slipping something small into her vag.

What?

She's pulled the blueprints out of the tail and stuck them inside her.

Belinda blinked.

I also loved Belinda Twigged when he said the blueprints.

Wait a minute.

Is she listening to the narrator?

So, just some info for you guys.

Yeah.

She's got a completely dry vagina.

She's got a completely wet outer area.

She's now going to insert what we presume, like blueprints.

Think about an architect's table.

Yeah, they're about what, four feet long?

Something like that?

Yeah, yeah.

So if you look at this table now, it's sort of like a roll of wallpaper, isn't it?

So she's somehow taken that out

and we presume what, origamied it into a capsule that can go inside her.

Possibly.

Could you put a a rolled-up poster of, say, one of your favourite dames?

Could you imagine that you could pop that inside you?

Depends what you're doing.

In any of your offices?

Yeah.

Maggie Smith.

She's very tall and thin.

What a bizarre miner question.

It's honestly the weirdest episode we've ever had.

I think it is.

Good luck with the edit.

Oh, this isn't making it in.

They must be the blueprints, she told herself.

Oh my god.

That's a theft.

Citizens arrest anyone.

Where are your toys when you need them?

Orgasm be damned.

Mr.

Hushman the Background Goon lunged at their female playmate.

He wrestled with her on the floor and Belinda was getting more turned on the sweatier their writhing bodies got.

Yeah, but he's just a big mouse and he's very small back with no

tails.

So what is he now?

Like a vole?

What What has no tails?

But her pleasure was cut short when the woman wriggled free and climbed onto one of the dildo-adorned wall installations.

Oh, like a climbing wall.

There's just loads of dildos.

That's a great idea.

Without taking a second to breathe, she jumped from it right onto the goon.

Wait, so she's got off him and then jumped on back on it.

Well, I guess the thing about this mystery woman is we don't know which side she's on or if she's on her own side.

So maybe she's helping Belinda, but how would Belinda know until she reveals herself?

Well, her poisoned stiletto heel with concertina blade edges slammed deep into his temple

and then into his brain cells.

Wow!

It was temple!

This resulted in certain death.

Death, yeah.

I can imagine, yeah.

Certain death!

This resulted in a migraine.

And the background.

I think he might be dead.

And the background goon was relegated to backstage for good.

Well, nothing wrong with backstage, eh, Jamie?

Jesus Christ, this is our second murder.

Well, third, fourth death.

George has died.

Slintz has died.

Spoon has died.

See, and now massagement is the background goon.

Yeah.

It's quite graphic.

But I'm turned on the camera.

Belinda Blumenthal gasped the air she needed to breathe as she watched the man exhale his last hush.

I think he's probably already done that.

It's gone through his brain.

How dare you, lady?

Drop those blueprints this instant.

They are the property of steel's pots and pans.

Doesn't mean anything to anyone, Belinda shouted.

Oh yeah?

The assassin said.

Come and get them then.

And she disappeared through the huge clam-shaped doors.

Clam-shaped doors, lovely.

So it's a dildo-adorned cave

with a clam-shaped door.

Where couples go to cuddle.

My God, we live such a sheltered life.

Snapping into spy mode, Belinda followed the goon butcher through the club and down a corridor with the sign N

fur

personnel.

N fur personal.

N-U-R, F-U with two dots above it, R.

Personal.

Not for personnel.

So like staff only, maybe?

Well, no, that would be for personnel, wouldn't it?

Not for staff.

Why would you narrate that that's not for staff?

Not for staff.

Not for persons?

Not for people, maybe.

Yeah, okay.

Not for people.

This was a strange hall of smoke and mirrors.

Oh, for God's sake.

And as Belinda coughed and reflected her way through the maze of horrors.

Now it's horrors.

Also coughing away, like, don't you have to like sneak around?

She twisted her special retina-sensitive shade.

Oh,

this technology is is better than the Trioxy Brillo, in my opinion.

But not as good as the shower radio.

Fi, they spoke.

Senor Zip, thank goodness you're still up.

Oh, I'm still up, Belinda.

And so is my big Feff cock.

Oh my god, not now, not now.

I've already come twice, and I'm not done.

Oh, thanks, Senor Zip.

For a perb, you're very kind.

Aren't we in pursuit?

Yeah.

Did you like the bit where I spread her legs like Riyette de Canard on a soft brioche bun?

Canae is duck, is it?

It's like a duck pate, Riet.

Riette is like a thick cut pate.

She's throwing up.

Her fanny was moist, wasn't it?

Her juices dribbled down her leg like the fat when you leave the pate in the sunshine all afternoon.

Oh, yum me, yummy, yummy.

It's a bit like cat food, like posh cat food.

It is nice.

We have it when we're on holiday, actually.

What?

Yeah, but not with this analogy.

No, it's disgusting now, I'm just saying.

I mean, I didn't think it was was possible to be pushed even gayer than I was, but I'm feeling like...

And I feel like even more vegetarian than I am.

So question.

This is Belinda talking, or this is the mystery woman talking.

This is Belinda.

She's on the phone to...

Well, on the shades to turn you on.

She's on the shades.

So I'm on my shades.

Can't you see?

Mum's on her shades.

But where is he?

Because he's like, I want to fuck you.

Well, I guess he's been watching because of her shades, maybe.

I assume that's why she called him a shadow.

So why didn't they?

So that's really helpful that she's got her top secret shades on and that he's watching.

Didn't that help when the bird of the goon maybe jumped in then?

Well, he'd already come twice, it's maybe he was coming and missed it.

I love also she's in the middle of quite an important operation, and she's like, Are you up?

Yeah, he should be like at the control desk kind of managing things.

And isn't the beauty of wearing the shades that you don't need to stop and make a phone call?

You can be chasing them and still and they'll give you the information.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just then, Belinda remembered she wasn't working a sex line.

Oh, fuck!

I called you for a reason.

I'm a hushman down and pursuing the figure who sent him sleeping with the fishes.

She has the blueprints.

Send backup and help.

Stat.

I am a gadget man, Belinda.

A gadget man.

For help related requests, you need to contact Kathleen...

That's just a voicemail.

You need to contact Kathleen.

Press one if you want to be backup.

Kathleen and customer support.

You need to contact Kathleen Oppenhammer in backup request department.

No, just put her through.

Backup request department.

Department.

So what is she going to re-dial her shades for Kathleen Openhammer?

Have you gone zippy, zip?

Send help

now.

She threw her specs to the ground and continued her pursuit and made haste.

Why would you throw the specs to the ground?

Yeah, I keep the...

What are you doing?

This woman.

Get rid of your communication, Brilliant.

If nothing else, they'd probably cost about £50,000 to develop them.

In eight minutes, 20, she clattered into a huge empty room.

The hit woman was cowering at the back, up against the wall.

She was scratching to try and climb.

She's had an eight-minute head start and she's up against a wall.

Catching her breath, Belinda said.

It looks like you've reached the end of the line, tart face.

Now give the blueprints over.

They mean nothing to you.

Well, they clearly do.

They clearly do.

Why would you murder a man if they didn't mean anything to you?

It's not bish.

It's not bitch.

It's not bish.

It's not bishop.

Bish can't walk up the stairs.

Never mind, climb a dildo walls.

It's very funny you should say that exact thing right now.

Evil cackling echoed through the darkness, and Belinda's heart sank straight to her clever toes.

A white spotlight illuminated a small man.

Also, for another time, but illuminated

descending from the ceiling on a little stairlift.

Why is it

fucking Chicago?

Why is it like, give them the old rezzle down?

When he finally reached a safe height to jump off his mode of transport,

the ground.

He did so.

Hair

Bish.

Belinda spat.

Belinda Blumenfo.

Bish swallowed.

I should have known you had something to do with that woman.

This woman?

Ha!

This woman here saved your life, Bloville.

Jesus' face.

Belinda blinked.

Yes.

Oh, God.

She killed Judgy Sylvester.

Oh, there we go.

She shot the shot.

He really is a thick English

hoodon.

Hundon.

Hundon.

Hundon.

Hundon.

Would you like me to Google?

H-U-N-D-I-N.

Dog.

Hound.

Classic hound.

Alice.

It's a female dog.

It's a bitch.

Oh, for God.

He's...

Obsessed.

Mythic English bitch.

Mythic English bitch.

God, he's full of compliments, isn't he?

Lest we forget, a porno at this point.

Just reminding everyone,

six years later, a porno.

Impossible!

Belinda shouted with the bravery of Saint Joan.

Seals pots and pans has state-of-the-science security systems developed through my wonderful dinner party chum Jim Walters at Apollo Security Agency.

Oh, whoa, drawback!

She could never have gained access through the gates, front or back.

Lovely bit of sort of innuendo there.

That's not in the book.

Bish?

Bish laughed his also familiar laugh.

Can we have a printout, please, before we start with these?

Because you're taking serious liberties.

I'm with you, James.

So he laughed.

So did the woman by his side.

Belinda blinked.

Agent X-Wind.

I was.

What?

Disappointing.

I literally thought of anybody else.

Why don't you reveal yourself to a guest?

I would double reveal.

What the fuck?

Belinda blinked.

So wait, Agent XYZ is going to peel her skin off.

So Agent XYZ,

who was Tripsy Forward, amongst other things, had a waitress.

I think she also played the ground of the forest at one point.

And she killed George Sylvester, and now she killed the Hushman.

Bloody hell.

Agent XYZ

emitted a little.

How's that displayed?

H-M-M-M.

And you've turned that into a.

Okay.

Agent X-Y-Z emitted a little hmm and slowly

her GIMP mask.

Don't be in a puss.

Sorry, GIMP.

I can read it with flourish or just verbatim.

What would you rather?

Don't be in a puss.

Don't puss me.

How can you like do it sulkily like and peeled off her gimp mask?

We get it.

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Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Sorry, do go on.

However, which way you interpret it.

Agent XYZ emitted a little, hmm, and slowly began to unhook her gimp mask with oxygen and nitrous oxide tubes.

This is more of a scuba mask.

Nitrous oxide.

What is that?

I'm imagining like Bane from The Dark Knight Risers.

Can you just Google it?

Because I feel like it is a thing.

It's not like laughing gas.

Oh, it is.

It's laughing gas.

She's got laughing.

No wonder she's

so.

Agent XYZ emitted a little hmm and slowly began to unhook her gimp mask with oxygen and nitrous oxide tubes.

Belinda watched in horror

as ruby red fire-themed hair

fell out of the leather sack.

Hi, Belinda.

Ruby red.

Maeve Wave.

Maeve!

Maeve!

How did we not think of Maeve?

Maeve!

Because this isn't a thing.

Like, this wasn't, we didn't know anyone was in Agent XYZ.

Hi, Belinda.

Maeve Waeve.

Maeve!

Maeve.

From Steels, from Reception.

From Reception.

She knows everything.

She knows who comes.

She knows who goes.

Do you remember way back with the special one?

Yeah.

Maeve was being really suspicious.

She was shifting.

And a few of us thought that it was going to be her as a special one.

So maybe...

Sorry.

What?

I think, didn't she, like, warn everyone about the bomb as it was going off?

Yeah.

She made everyone go outside, and that's when the bomb went off.

Oh, my God.

Maeve.

Maeve.

So when did Maeve arrive at Steel?

I think she arrived when Bella got promoted.

She arrived when Rocky realised he needed a character that would make everything make sense.

No, yeah, sorry.

When Bella got promoted because she took over on reception.

I mean, reception would be a good place to be if you wanted to know everything about a company.

Oh, my God.

And she got really close to Tony.

Yeah, she was all up in Tony's will.

Aren't they having a bit of a thing?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You turn coat traitor, Maeve.

How could you, after all we've done for you?

Done what?

Not include me in your Pentra sessions?

It can't be about that.

That's the motive.

Not invite me on Giselle's Henu.

You never let me in the glee team aren't women stupid

and thank the Norse gods we didn't Belinda interrupted this is Rocky's idea of like why a girl would become a murderous accessory to an evil pots and pans magnate because somebody didn't invite them on a

henu or for a chardonnay after work fantastic but having said all that like presumably she was installed as a mole and not has not kind of been groomed once she got within.

Yeah, you would think she's been planted there, yeah.

So, she's like, and thank the Norse gods we didn't.

Being too clever by half makes a person stupid by whole, Maeve, Belinda said.

Remember that, won't you?

I'll forget almost immediately.

Some beautiful phrases coming out of Belinda tonight.

Okay, Maeve agreed

if you exist.

But I am cleverer because I got the blueprints.

That's true, she did.

I mean, it was a really long-winded way of getting them, but she got them in the end.

She's not about to take them out of her, is she?

You know, when magicians do it out of the sleeve

flags, scarves.

Blueprints.

Bish dribbled at the confirmation of her quest

completed.

Is this safe?

He demanded.

In her vagina.

Maeve peeled her pussy lids apart and removed a small dildo plug.

Popping off the head bit.

So she's just removed a dildo.

A dildo.

Popping off the head bit, she retrieved a micro fleeche mini dot.

A what?

A micro fleeche mini dot.

I assume it's like a memory card or like some sort of

so after all that palava, it's actually just like a USB stick.

That's what was in the tail.

Yeah.

She retrieved a micro fleece mini dot.

This was a commonly used piece of tech to preserve info in a very small way.

In such a small way.

It's called technology, Rocky.

In Spyland, it was level one learning and it held the blueprints as safe as a mouse.

A tiny bit of warning, if you would.

Bish screamed as Maeve returned the holy grail to her furry cup.

Finally!

I have since I have to blitz!

Well, you had slints about a year

a week ago.

I would also argue that Steeles has had time to make them.

Yeah, this has all been going on since the end of book three, and no one's made a fucking pan since then.

No one's made a pan.

This is my point.

Go into the safe in Scotland.

Have a little look at the plans.

Yeah, but guys.

Get the factory back up and running.

Yes, it has been three books, but it's only been five days.

So, come on.

Be fair.

If I were like Teflon, I'd be like sliding in the middle and be like, while these two are distracted, I'm going to become like the most important pots and pants company in the world.

And you could slide very well with a Teflon.

Not Bishop.

So, Bish is like, finally, I have the trioxy plan of secrets.

The world of pots and pans is mine.

Ivy,

you die.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

You can have it, mate.

Have the bloody world of pots and pans.

But hang on.

Oh, twist.

If I am to die, Belinda says.

If I am to die,

why did Maeve not let George kill me?

Good point.

Why is he poking holes in his own narrative?

Because

you're

family.

Oh right, okay.

Because you're my favourite step niece.

Yes,

I am family-bish.

So why do I need to die?

It's all the same question.

So, if I am to die, why?

You are as stupid as that sulk of a mother.

She thought she's a soak, isn't she?

She's a drunken hack.

She thought giving you this three beer tree would give you protection from me.

But you see.

So the mum always knew that Bish would try and kill her.

And the mum always knew that Belinda was going to work in pots and pans.

She thought giving you the free beer tree would give you protection from

It's like Rocky's trying to tie it up with a bow, but he doesn't have any ribbon.

I am number one, and must always be.

So you gotta go.

He's turned into a sort of like New York gangster, hasn't he?

Yeah.

You're gonna sleep with the fishes like from earlier.

Is your throat hurting James?

There's a lot of bishop in this chapter.

He's very raw.

He's a very raw man.

The nude Maeve

prowled towards Belinda, her deadly shoe in her fist.

Uh-oh.

Wait, before you kill me, like you did my love spooner, please tell me.

I don't even love, I don't remember that.

Most outrage of the book.

Love.

Also, don't just slip it under the radar in a dramatic moment.

She's getting sympathy, isn't she?

She's like, don't kill me.

I was in love.

She's stalling for time like I've never fucking seen.

So,

wait.

Before you kill me, like you did my love spooner, please tell me who the third bee is.

It's really been bugging me.

Her friend, literally, millions of other people.

Yeah.

So this is why we went to her mum's house in the hope that we would find out.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

You owe me that at least, you horrible bish.

for the love of frigg who is a norse god is that frigg is that real yeah Is frigging a Norse tradition?

Hang on a minute.

I don't know, maybe it is.

Ancient Norse tradition.

They just were up there frigging each other off.

Frigg is the wife of Odin, the mother of

Balder.

She was a promoter of marriage and fertility.

And second base.

So, you owe me that at least.

For the love of Frigg.

Why would I tell you?

When I can show you.

Oh my god, he's a little bit of a drink.

This is actually

really, really stringing it out, but actually quite tense.

Also, the production values of this reveal moment has been months of the planning.

Inside a normal egg is a kinder egg.

Inside the kinder egg is a tiny piece of rice.

Some microscopic writing says on the rice, look left.

As you look left, a bird flies from the tree, carrying a note.

Within the note...

It's a micro fleece mini-dot.

I could just imagine the production meeting where Bish is like, so I need a stanister

to come down with a spotlight on it.

I need a windowless room where you cannot escape.

I need a corridor of mirrors.

I need a large, actually extra-large, mouse costume.

I'd like Maeve to be in a costume that reveals quickly to show her true identity.

I'll need 99 canisters of nitrous oxide.

I'll obviously need a cupboard for the second person I will refuse later on as we're talking.

They will need snacks, they'll be in there quite a while.

Is that to calm us No, it's in the book, sorry.

It's not like a wing clicker thing for a dog.

It really worked.

I stopped.

Bish clapped three times and clicked his finger splinters.

They are probably splinters, aren't they?

A lovely wooden standard lamp

with a flowery William Morris-inspired lampshade suddenly switched on.

This is what I mean, this production.

It lit up a beautiful leather-topped desk.

Leather topped desk.

And Belinda blinked.

A man was sat at it, his back to the group.

So beautifully choreographed.

This is an excellent play.

To visit.

Let's bear in mind, this is scripted.

The figure turned round on his swivel office chair, face down.

On the chair.

Face down.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

Oh, so head down.

Head down.

Not face down, head down, cool.

Face down.

He slowly removed his toupee.

Oh, my God.

There,

on his balding head, sat a beautiful tattoo.

He's had it done on his fucking skull.

Shimmering in the harsh lighting rig.

Rig?

I thought it was a lovely wooden standard lamp.

That was a single bulb.

Shimmering in the harsh lighting rig.

B,

B.

B.

B.

The face looked up

and directly into both of Belinda's eyes.

Doctor Robins

said

nothing.

He just whistled his silly little laugh as he rocked from east to west.

Doctor motherfucking

Belinda blinked.

What?

With his scissors and with Helga and a hat.

That's Dr.

Robbins.

Well, that's the end of the chapter.

Fucking hell.

That means that Dr.

Robbins is related to Belinda then.

Why?

In some way.

Oh, because he's the third B.

But did they fuck?

Oh, dear God.

Oh, my God.

Although, maybe they aren't related, actually.

It's only Bish that said it's family.

And Bish isn't even blood related, is he?

Wait, what was the Robin scenario?

Helga's making her Mayo in the shed.

On the desk.

And the other scary scissors.

Scissors.

And they definitely did.

Maybe we should all go back and listen to that episode this week because it's clearly going to be important in the coming weeks.

Yeah.

Shit, the bed.

I mean, never has so much clarity created so much confusion.

Like, Maeve does make, I mean, you know, in Rocky World, not total sense, but does make a lot of sense.

And Tony really needs to sort out who he finds attractive because that's two undercover agents now with Giselle and Maeve.

He clearly is a terrible judge.

A bit like me with my dames.

He had definitely got a tone.

I honestly, there were points in this episode, genuine suspense.

Yeah.

But then he just kept building the suspense.

Well, Alice, to be too clever by half makes you stupid by whole.

I think I was just exhausted by the end.

You could have said anybody.

Okay, so next episode, we can see.

We've been waiting all this time and I don't give a shit.

So next chapter, penultimate chapter,

we presume all will be revealed.

I mean, this feels like this is now coming to an end.

It has to be, surely.

Like, and hopefully we'll get some...

Like,

there's a lot of answers coming our way.

Oh, sorry.

Your answers, yeah.

Oh, I don't want sex.

James, it must be coming to an end.

No more lives can be lost.

Snaps in blood bag.

Well, you know, you know, with Game of Thrones, when they had 10-episode series, episode 9 was always the big one of the series.

Oh, really?

Oh, and that ended so well.

So,

I can't wait.

Yeah, I mean, it is a huge moment.

Well, come back.

You have to come back next week.

You can't not come back next week.

If you've ever thought about dropping out, I mean, this is just not the point to do it.

Just throw good money after bad, for God's sake.

Actually, are we having a listening party to wrap it up?

Alice, thank God that totally slipped my mind.

Yes, we are.

When do you want to do it?

So, not next week, the week after.

Yes, we love a listening party, so we thought it'd be lovely to do one for the finale, regardless of what was.

We planned it before we knew what was going to happen, but actually, it could be quite good.

So, yeah, get your friends involved.

We'll get on Twitter.

We'll use the hashtag Pornoday.

We'll all press play at 8pm British summer time.

UK time.

UK time.

Yeah, that's easier.

Belinda beers are still on sale if you want to have a little spreadsheet.

Oh, yeah.

People usually make amazing spreads.

So, yeah, you could get your Belinda beers from alphabetbrewing.co.uk and then

let's have a bloody party.

Maybe we'll do an Instagram live before.

Who knows?

Oh, yeah, let's do that.

That was fun.

That was fun.

And yeah, it was really, really interesting this episode.

So do send all of your thoughts on social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, you name it.

Yeah, we'd love to hear your reactions.

And you also kind of more often than not help us fill in the gaps because, frankly, we're useless.

Yeah, you'll all be screaming at us why this Dr.

Robin thing makes sense, but we've got to wait till next week.

I rely on the emails so heavily.

So see you next week if I have a voice left because that would need to kill me.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check lift.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.