Footnotes: Show and Tell

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote A Porn of the Footnotes.

Now Alice and James, before we start today, I want to bring something to your attention, okay?

Okay.

Please.

You know, last week we were petitioning, or we kind of discussed how we wanted to petition to get dad a knighthood.

How could we forget?

We said he deserved an honor because it's an honor to know him.

I mean, I thought it was a joke.

I was just playing along.

Well, the joke may soon be on all of us because someone's actually set up a change.org petition to make it happen.

Yeah.

Oh, we should have seen it.

We should have seen it coming.

It's currently got over 4,000 signatures on it, which I think means it's about to be discussed in Parliament.

I don't remember.

But it just proves the power of the Balinkers.

They literally will stop at nothing to get Dad this honour.

Well, and technically, you know, if enough people think it in their their head that makes it real right even if it doesn't actually happen if enough people just like imagine that he's a sir then it kind of happened well do you know who has imagined that he's a sir already him dad yeah so he's changed his twitter handle to sir rocky frinstone his signature is now sir in brackets rocky flinster which i would say is illegal but i do think people do that as as like a thing well people change it by deepolle but he's not even done that he's just decided to call himself that great he thinks that brackets will save him from the feds if you conceive it you can achieve it jamie oh seriously so if you want to sign that petition go nuts um let's make it happen but um on to this week's footnotes um now over the past few weeks months and let's be honest years um you two have been really enjoying ribbon on me for my childhood the club theatre paints a lot of the stories of my youth well I thought I would turn the tables on you two and ask you to go digging in your attics to find a few childhood relics, a few artefacts of your younger years.

So this episode, we're going to do a little bit of a show and tell with Alice and James.

What have you both found?

I can't help but feel like this is a setup.

Is this going to come back to biters?

I'm amazed how much I found.

I mean, you know, I had got that dare song.

Yeah, that's true.

You have shared stuff in the past.

My mum's kept all my schoolwork pristinely.

Of course she has.

She's kept your room exactly the same as when you were 10.

She hopes he'll come home one day.

You know like Ross and Monica in Friends where Ross's stuff is perfect and Modica's is like used to block.

Yeah, is your sister's just like out on the pavement?

Oh, well, I didn't have the same experience.

I only found one book, one exercise book, um, that for some reason I have.

It wasn't at my mum and dad's house, um, and it just says Alice L creative writing, which was a it was a subject, wasn't it?

You used to like do this right.

This wasn't something that you did in your own time, this is more just a school activity.

Yeah, it was probably from year five.

So, what age is that for our international listeners?

I think I was probably nine here.

Okay, um, there's all manner of exercises in here.

So this is from 1996.

Wow.

I had a letter that I wrote, I guess the task was to lay out a letter correctly.

Oh, okay.

And so you had to write a letter

of your choosing.

Yeah.

So the layout was more important than the content.

Yeah, I mean, you'll be interested to know what I've written the letter about, I think.

Okay.

So it says, Dear madam/slash sir, the slash is the wrong way around.

Can I guess?

I bet it's a letter of complaint.

The prunes weren't soft enough in my lunchbox.

I'm writing writing to CBBC to complain.

I knew it!

I fucking knew it!

CBBC, which is a children's channel in this country.

I'm writing to CBBC to complain about balloon pizza.

An institution.

I feel that this programme is shown too much.

The presenters are not.

It was on like three times a week, wasn't it?

The presenters are not humorous, although they try to be.

Oh, God.

What era was that?

Was that like Stuart Miles?

Katie.

Don't name names.

Yours sincerely, Alice Levine.

That's it.

Okay, so that was just a little taste.

And if you don't like it, just don't watch it.

No,

it's not time.

I couldn't.

A little poem here.

Okay.

It's called.

Sorry.

Give a minute to get over that.

Little poem here called Anger.

Oh, wow.

On the page after the complaint.

There's a lot of angst in this young child.

Anger is blood red.

It's a bitter lemon.

Anger is crackling fire and a burning flame.

It's a baby crying.

Anger is a volcano inside me waiting to erupt.

Oh, my God.

You didn't know yourself, didn't you?

That's good.

Anger's a baby crying.

You'd write something like that now, I feel like.

Yeah, oh, it's very much in my...

I mean, I knew my voice.

Yeah.

Come on, keep going.

Okay, so this is, what's this about?

This is Diary of the Treasure Hunter.

I'm not so so bothered about that.

I've written a sport.

This one's called Rage.

I've written one called The Museum.

My Perfect World, a bit of kind of creative writing.

A bit lighter.

A bit lighter.

Okay.

Okay.

My perfect world.

In my perfect world, I would have pollution-free sea with whales and dolphins that could talk to me.

Money trees in your garden for poor people.

Not for me, apparently, just for the poor people.

It says for poor people.

It says for poor people, yeah.

So you just pick the money tree and just throw it at the poor people.

How rich were you as a child?

Bombs that drop toys.

Oh, very clever, very rocky flintstone.

Could still hurt people, though, couldn't they?

Toys falling out of the sky.

We'll wait to see who's near the bombs.

Bombs that drop toys for, and then there's an asterisk, because I've forgot.

I think I obviously at a latter date realised I should be more specific.

Bombs that drop toys for orphaned children.

In my perfect world, I wouldn't have accidents on the roads.

Dying people in faraway countries, sorry.

I'd have them closer to home.

Dying people in faraway countries.

And most of all, no war.

Oh, Alice.

And the feedback here is good.

But you have to explain why you would or wouldn't have each thing in your world.

I mean, I think quite self-explanatory why you don't want more.

Do what you see, Joe.

Is this your friend?

This certainly wasn't my friend.

Why are you putting toys in bombs?

Why aren't you just doing like toy drops?

That's what I think that that is what that is, no?

No, I think you're putting them in load loads of stuffed animals in a in a detonator in something that looks like a nuclear warhead i hear you um i take your feedback um i guess it was the only technology available to me

um i've written a piece called rats

no you haven't yes i have rats i'll read you a little bit i knew something strange was going on as soon as i got to school that morning everyone was quieter than usual nobody was playing football in the yard and nobody was laughing just the rats the bell rang

she is the rat spoiler oh my god she's the rat.

The bell rang, and we shuffled upstairs, hung up our coats, and sat down at our desks.

Well, 6KW.

I mean, is that a GDPR issue?

Well, 6KW.

I have something very important to tell you, our teacher said.

What, Miss?

What?

said James in an excited voice.

She was dreaming of me before she met me.

Shut up.

The teacher snapped.

And let me tell you.

James did as he was told.

Well, not you then.

Surprised at our teacher.

She never snaps, you see.

Get on with it.

Jesus, what's the news?

She's trying to get the teacher on side.

You never snap, do you, Miss?

Give me an egg, give me an egg, give me an egg.

It's very fair.

There's no easy way to tell you this.

We're going to be closed down, she said with a whimper.

Because of the rats.

Because of the rats.

Well, we don't know yet.

Shut up, rats.

I'll put the spoiler in the title, I would say.

Why?

said Brian.

Yeah, why, Miss?

repeated Claire.

Shuttle, Claire.

Well, apparently, it's the baking room.

It's unhygienic.

Baking room?

What school did you go to?

Rats or something, she replied, blowing her nose.

Blowing her nose, God.

Rats.

Oh, I see, said everybody.

One, two, three.

Oh, I see.

They knew I had a plan.

I always do.

Sorry, this is you.

You always have a plan.

Are you going to save the baking room from rats?

Well, we can't sit here talking all day.

Get on with your handwriting.

After handwriting, it was playtime.

And that was my chance to tell them my plan.

It was playtime.

We all ran downstairs

and got into the yard.

Yeah, Yeah, right.

I got the group of people together and told them we were going to hide inside the school at dinner and nobody was around

and about

what was going on.

Everybody knows we don't have rats, but I think I know what we do have.

Mice?

What?

But I think I know what we do have.

Pupils of the competing school.

In the baking room.

I don't know.

Like, just listen.

How long is this story?

Honestly, longer than a Rocky chapter.

When I told my friends this, they thought I was balmy, but I explained.

One school had been closed down in the neighbourhood, and of course, nobody wants it to be them.

So the other school has found a hole in the wall and let some hamsters loose.

They want to close us down.

So all we have to do is get a photo of them letting them in so easily.

So my friend waited with the camera in the baking room.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You are balmy.

This is Rocky level of plot.

So

my friend waited with the camera in the baking room.

Camera's been corrected, the spelling thereof.

He waited for 10 minutes until he saw a face of a pupil.

He pressed the button on the camera and ran back our group.

We sent it off to the photo.

We sent it off.

We sent it off,

the photo that is, to the health and safety man.

He didn't close us down until a full inquiry was carried out.

The only problem is, we couldn't prove it was us setting him up, but it was better than having our school close down.

After the inquiry was.

Fucking hell.

I've got some notes after this.

I dread to think what the teacher said.

After the inquiry, we stayed open.

It was a big adventure for nothing exciting ever happened in our school.

This included.

Is this like related to some real life incident?

So the teacher's written a very imaginative story, Alice.

So there were no rats?

No rats.

No, just hamsters.

Hamsters planted.

Hamsters planted by the other school to stop their school being shut down.

Because they had to close down one school and they didn't want it to be them.

Quite well written though, is it?

Gets a bit convoluted towards the end.

For a nine-year-old though.

A nine-year-old talking about public inquiries.

I mean,

what a twist.

Well, Alice, that was enlightening and fantastic.

Just a snapshot of my creative writing from the time.

Not by any means the full extent but just you know a little taste of what you could expect.

I'm worried about you.

A lot of built-up anger and rage inside you.

As the poem Anger taught us.

Well I mean it's cathartic to write it down isn't it?

That's what dad says.

So next up James Anthony Cooper.

Yes, now I've brought my year seven English books with me.

So I was what 11 I think?

11 12.

Yeah.

With my teacher, Miss Gorney, lovely Miss Gorney.

Big shout out to her if she's listening.

Uh, there was a song out released at the time called Horny, so we used to be like, She's gone here, gone here, gone in, gone in.

She subsequently got married and changed her name.

That was the end of that joke.

Now, I'm gonna read you.

Oh, I've got a poem here.

Okay, it's called One Man and His Dog.

I'm already into it.

Let's get ready, it's quite heavy.

Oh, look at your beautiful writing.

Although that's actually the writing you have now, isn't it?

My writing's deteriorated over time, like I say.

It was better at school.

He lives on his own in a cottage along the Yorkshire Moors.

His dog is his only friend to guide him along.

I was expecting a rhyme, but okay.

Me too.

His family has died.

He is all alone.

Oh, my God.

What is he doing here?

He's thinking.

He's thinking.

Leave him be.

The little money that he has isn't enough.

Isn't enough.

I think I just think poetry is just repeating it.

No, that's quite a good device, though.

It's quite a nice rhythm.

He's slowly, painfully dying.

Oh, God.

Dying.

Jeez.

His eyelids close.

He is no more.

Is no more.

James.

Where's the dog?

Oh, my God.

What happened to the dog?

Jake, was that from your time in Yorkshire?

Was that someone from...

I don't know.

God, we were all so angsty.

You with your anger poems, you with the dying man, me writing songs about masks and running away from the butcher's dog.

It's very bleak.

Oh, there's a story here.

I might just read an extract on, if I may.

Please.

I'll start at the beginning.

It's called Vice Versa.

Oh, okay.

Jake, where's my razor?

asked Mark impatiently.

Are they shaving?

Are they gangsters?

Are they lovers?

Are they...

Is it Pinky Blinder style?

I haven't got it, replied Jake, with a cutting look on his face.

Oh, cutting razors, very good.

They always had arguments.

It was the same every morning.

Mark thought Jake had taken something that he hadn't.

Or vice versa.

That's the name of the story.

And that's where it would be a freeze frame.

Mark was an 18-year-old boy.

He was very popular at school.

He had short blonde hair with curtains at the front.

Oh, like Nick Carter from Backstreet Royal.

I think Jake's written his type there with Mark.

He was due to go on television in three days to make a film about a boy's life in Australia, which was so originally named A Boy's Life in Australia.

Okay.

So he was going on TV to make a film.

Yeah.

Okay.

Jake, on the other hand, was the total opposite.

He was a small, unpopular 11-year-old boy.

Oh, you wrote about me.

And wasn't too good with the girls.

Unknown to them, fate was being a bad boy for Mark and a godsend to Jake.

Enough babble, here's the story.

That's very rocky.

Yeah, it is.

Oh my god.

It was 8.30 in the morning.

Jake had to be at school in 10 minutes.

He rushed down his cereal, ending up with half of it in his lap and ran upstairs to get his bag when he noticed a small box with his name on it.

Intrigued.

Sorry, I thought he was 18.

Why is he going to school?

And also, why does an 11-year-old need a razor?

No, Mark's 18, he needs the razor, and it's Jake who's going to school.

So, why has Jake got the razor?

Yeah, why are they arguing about a razor?

I don't know why Jake's got the razor.

Yeah, you wouldn't think you need a zero.

A razor or an eraser.

A razor, like a for shaver.

It doesn't make any sense.

He'd never seen this box before.

It was black, although it did have a gold glint in it.

On the top of it was a label reading, do not open.

Don't bloody open.

And his name.

Quite a lot of things written on this box.

But Jake, being 11, was very curious to know what was in the box.

He threw the lid open and peered inside.

There was some sort of glowing green liquid in a glass tube.

Weird.

He took it out of the box and temptation got the best of him and he threw the drink down his throat.

You stupid boy!

Jake!

Why green liquid where it says do not open?

Jake began to feel dizzy and a bright light began to glow in front of his eyes.

Alice looks really into this.

I mean, this is like something out of the MCU, isn't it?

Supernatural.

Everywhere he turned his head, the light followed him.

It's what light tends to do, isn't it?

But like a spotlight, I guess.

Yeah, maybe.

He shook his head frantically.

Mark walked onto the landing and saw Jake shaking his head.

Ha!

Jake's got knit.

But before he could finish, oh, nits.

Before he could finish.

You're a nitrate thing at school.

Before he could finish, something happened.

Then he felt smaller.

Mark opened his eyes only to find himself standing in front of himself without a mirror in sight.

I think it's a body swap.

It's vice versa.

A body swap or a what?

I think Mark's gone into Jake's body and Jake's gone into Mark's body.

Oh, I hate it when that happens.

No.

He looked down and didn't see his body, but Jake's.

Jake did the same.

What the heck have you done, yelled Mark?

What the heck have you done?

What the bloody hell have you done now?

Cool, remarked Jake as he looked down at his new body.

I'm you.

I'm you, cried Mark in disbelief.

Isn't this a film with Jamie Lee Curtis?

By some strange phenomenon, their brains are transferred into each other's bodies.

That is a strange phenomenon.

I've never heard it before.

In other words, Mark was Jake and Jake was Mark.

I think I'm kind of deliberating a point now.

This is the kind of exposition, but I guess for the slower readers.

Change us back right now, demanded Mark.

Jake, for the first time, lifted Mark high in the air.

He was silent for a moment.

No, he said.

And laughed his head off.

I think Mark's actually taking it very well, considering.

He's just like, change his back.

Like, he's not freaking out.

He dropped Mark to the ground.

Jake, it's time to get school, yelled mum from downstairs.

That's you, said Jake.

What?

Mark got up and stared at his body.

tripped down the stairs and it goes on but that's the premise so there's a body how long does it go on for pages and pages.

I'm not gonna lie to you, James.

There's chapters of it.

Wow.

Oh, look at all that.

Gosh.

James, you've essentially written, I mean, a motion picture.

I think I have, you know, a motion picture that gets shown on TV.

Good Australian.

Fantastic.

Bad Australian boy.

Well, I was, I mean, you could see by my face, I was absolutely great.

I think off mic, I'm going to read this properly and see if there's got any potential because I'm seeing dollar signs right now.

I mean, you do that.

What's quite interesting in the front of my creative writing book is that there's a hat, there's a little guide, little printed sheet that we obviously all got to um you know glue stick into our oh yeah yeah

and it says um how to be a good response friend and it's basically how to receive a story that somebody else has written and how you should oh we should read this at the beginning well exactly of this whole podcast

so first things first you should tell the person something that you liked about the story at least one point which i don't think we've ever done with rocky have we and then you can move on to how it could be made better.

Okay, well, we're good at that.

We're good at that.

I think we've done some of these things.

So we've said,

is anything missing?

Plot.

Is anything not clear?

Everything.

Is the beginning good?

No.

Are all your questions answered at the end?

We're given more, if anything, but that might be a good thing in writing.

Could anything be left out?

Yes, 100%.

And finally, is it suitable for the intended audience?

This says, who will listen to it?

Will they like it?

Will they understand it?

Well, a lot of people listen to it.

A lot of people like it.

No one understands it.

So,

well, guys, not going to lie.

From today's little exercise, I can see why we're friends.

Because

you were all as little frustrated creative thespians just like me.

And honestly, if you'd have lived near me in Manchester, you would have been in the club theatre backstage all the time.

I would have to.

If Val Harris had let us know.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaysF.com.