S6E4 - 'Saucy Pans and Cheeky Woks'

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Hello, you're listening to My Dad Red Apporno.

I'm Jamie, your narrator.

I've got Alice, the head presenter of another Red Apporno.

And James, dog's body, exercise.

Good.

Background view.

That's it.

How are you guys?

We've only just recovered from that.

I mean, don't dredge that up again.

I have to stress, it was a joke, James.

You are, I mean, I always think the back room staff are very important on any production.

Huge discount.

Look at the talent.

Also, why am I just here?

Why am I Bill Oddy reading a story?

Didn't really tell me that.

Bill Oddy reading a story.

For the international listeners, Bill Oddy, a famous ornithologist, but I don't remember him being a storyteller.

He did a show back in the 90s called Time for a Story.

Didn't watch it.

Did you never have him?

You'll be amazed, Jamie.

We've never heard of this.

I think it was him.

Bill Oddy, bird lover.

Bilardi.

Bilardi, put your hands all over my body.

Do you ever see that?

Wow, I really didn't think we'd dive in with the Biloddi content so early today.

What kind of stories did he tell?

Made-up ones or yeah, they were just very relaxing

kids stuff, obviously.

But yeah, he was a good narrator.

So this is entirely the opposite.

Not at all relaxing.

Extremely adamant.

Terrible narrator.

Yeah, okay.

So where did we get to?

Just trying to remember.

Still in Australia.

Still in Australia.

And Belinda had met with the Duchess in the rocks and told her about Mr.

Hushman, the background goon, who is selling the blueprints on the black market.

Right, correct.

And Bella came to Australia to pick up Belinda to take her back to England.

And they spied someone across the bar.

Yes, who they thought was potentially Giselle Giselle.

Giselle.

Mars Charcova de Klotz.

A Glee team reunions on the cards.

Considering how little time the Glee team have actually spent together, they're iconic.

So many people consider themselves a glee team that listen to this.

It's a bit like Anthony Hopkins in Science of the Lambs.

Go on.

Didn't expect that comparison.

Is it?

In that his screen time is minutes, apparently.

I think he's in it for like 10 minutes or maybe like 15 minutes, but his presence is felt throughout the whole movie.

So you think he's like the lead of the film.

And you're saying that's Giselle?

I'm saying that's the Glee team as a construct.

Right.

Okay.

Because you're right, Al, they haven't really been.

It's breathtaking sometimes, what he comes out with.

Did he win an Oscar for that?

He did for Best Leading Actor.

Wow.

Which, you know, there was some controversy because obviously his screen time was

minimal, yeah, but his presence was felt.

So Giselle might be there, she might not be, is basically.

Or, I mean, equally as exciting if it's a woman that has sort of similar hair.

I mean, what a bit exactly.

Like an oddly shorn head.

Okay, are we ready?

We are ready.

We are ready.

Put bloody old love at my buddy.

Okay.

Belinda Blink 6, Chapter 4.

Saucy Pans and Cheeky Walks.

Belinda blinked again.

I assume we left on Belinda Blink.

I'm gonna blink.

Just to be sure.

Then she shook her head.

The young woman with the tight ass sitting a few tables away was no doubt about it.

The special one.

They're back together, baby!

They've got so much to catch up on.

A gog with disorientation, Giselle slowly switched tables and sat down.

She held her hands up, dried away her tears, and took a large gulk of Belinda's icy chardonnay.

A gulk.

Gulk.

Gulk.

Glug.

Gulk.

Glug.

Well, what does it say?

It does say glug.

Also, gulks, not a word.

Yeah, sorry, I didn't know where that came from.

A gulk.

How much is Jamie's reading that we'd slammed Rocky for?

He's just covered over, like, oh, what's he like?

Perfect.

They're beautifully written.

It's all me.

No, sorry, a large glug of Belinda's icy Chardonnay.

So is she holding her hands up as if to say, like, you got me?

What am I like?

I did do it all.

Bella tottered over to the bar to avoid any career-wrecking association with the fugitive on the run.

Oh, God.

So they're not really hanging out.

She's like, I can't stay near you.

Well, wait, how does Bella know that...

Bella was there.

Do they know that she's a goodun now?

Yeah, because she'd freed them from the cling.

I mean, she still killed someone.

Well, she didn't.

I know she didn't.

I know she didn't.

I know he committed suicide, but she was still there.

So that's where you fall on that issue.

She was still there.

But what's if you happened to see someone awfully fall to their death, you would be blamed, would you?

Because you were there.

Even if it's not her fault, she's surely a different person.

I mean, she's been changed by the.

Well, I think everyone's been changed, us included.

I look at you differently if you were involved in someone's untimely death.

But isn't it?

It doesn't take much for us, though, to be like, we always knew he was a wrong.

But I think she's probably just a useful idiot.

I still think you look at someone in a different light once you've been betrayed by them.

Particularly because they were sisters.

I mean, the Klee team, you couldn't get closer.

I mean, they'd worked together for, what, two weeks?

The bob was unbreakable.

And the thing is, how do you get back to where they were?

How do you get back to that kind of, you know, colleague, maybe have a drink at the pantry after work?

That incredible...

it's like it's in their blood is it well maybe they won't i mean if bella's literally not wanting to speak to him because she's a fugitive on the run then but who is she worried about knowing that or seeing that i don't know uh guy that owns a bar

because i don't know that the feds are necessarily after giselle are they i don't think anyone is i don't think anyone cares anymore I think it's all over, isn't it?

Also, I love for the first time Bella's following protocol and like being vaguely professional.

Well, she is the big boss now, I suppose.

Oh, shit, yeah.

And actually, I have a friend at work who, when he became the big boss, he did a very subtle but very definite distancing.

Right.

Yeah.

It's a difficult tightrope to walk, isn't it?

Bella's got to manage that.

You've been a boss, James.

I have been a boss.

And that's why, because you didn't have many friends at work, and I presume that's because you made a very definite decision.

You were like, I'm a boss, I'm not a mate.

He was my boss, actually.

And he definitely made that call there.

He was a good boss.

He was nice.

Was he?

Did he talk to you differently at work than?

Yeah, we did have a very different

attitude.

I stayed away from any murderers.

It was just very annoying because, obviously, he's my friend.

And sometimes I would really disagree with

his perspective on a certain issue at work.

Hang on, is this supervision?

What's going on?

Is this HR?

No, no.

And I would have to bite my tongue to be like...

James, don't have his say, please.

I will try and kind of convince him of my viewpoint, but if he is not going to budge, you know, as the subordinate, I had to just do what he said.

But I think...

Yeah, because in a sub-dom relationship, you have to do a lot of communication.

James, what?

Sex positive, please.

Yeah, but I'm not in a sub-dom relationship with Jamie.

It doesn't matter, but like.

Why?

What's wrong with me?

Why wouldn't you want to be in a sub-dom?

What?

You want to be in a sub-dom relationship with me?

Obviously, you're not my type, clearly.

But, like, I'm just saying, why are you so disgusted with the prospect?

Well, it's the same reason I'd be disgusted being involved with Alice.

I'd be Dom.

You'd be sub.

Oh, my God.

I'd be so sub.

I think, I mean, we're probably.

She's the top, I'm the bottom.

We're probably being very reductive about what is a complex dynamic, but at the same time, I feel quite bruised by that, Jamie, that you wouldn't even consider it.

I think so.

For God's sake, get back to work.

So Bella's just sat on her own by the bar.

As Giselle wept freely, she told her tortured story to Belinda.

I'm so sorry, Belinda.

But George had it planned for months, perhaps even years.

Watch out for the exposition.

This might be useful, though.

I was going to say, that's

what you don't wish for.

We've just done best of book five.

Once he'd escaped from his incarceration in Deepest Africa, he was determined to get even with his family.

Yes, family.

So he'd been incarcerated for years, potentially.

And he blamed...

Tony's.

His family.

What's Tony?

You would be quite cross, wouldn't you?

I thought he was a war hero.

I think he was in a war.

I don't know if he was a hero.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, sorry.

That's a value judgment.

So, wait, but he was incarcerated.

I've missed a bit.

How was his family to blame?

Well, maybe let yourself finish.

Oh, God.

Oh, sorry.

All right, dog.

He was determined to get even with his family, yes, family, for abandoning him and not paying the ransom money.

Oh, shit.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Different reactions to that.

Well, don't negotiate with terrorists.

That's the kind of classic rule, isn't it?

It is the rule, but if you were the one that was being held in Deepest Africa, you would probably want your family to negotiate and get you out.

Just pay the money, yeah.

What started as pen pals became so much more.

So, so pen pals?

So, they're letting the guy that they're holding ransom be pen pals with somebody.

Pen pals.

Have you ever had a pen pal?

Yeah, I did actually.

Did you?

On a few occasions.

It's so weird.

Oh, God.

Wrote to imaginary friend.

Well, I was really sad to.

No.

I was really sad.

She's going red.

This is going to be New Yorker.

Finally, Alice's childhood was sorry.

Yeah, finally.

Geez.

I was particularly sad.

Okay, you were sad.

We get it.

To leave one teacher's class at primary school.

And so I wrote for a bit.

Back and forth, or you'd just send them letters and they wouldn't reply.

No, she would reply.

She replied.

Oh my god, I honestly don't know what to say.

That she wrote them or that she replied.

Quite long letters as well.

Same for all.

Were you just in the next class?

I think.

To see each other at lunch.

Wait for the letter.

I caught your reflection through the window today.

I miss you ever so, darling.

They were love letters.

Great assembly the other day.

I loved it.

Oh, see, see.

Where did you get that skirt?

I'd love one myself.

I love how high-waisted it is.

Yeah, she was a much, obviously, much, much older woman.

How old?

She was very old.

Oh, so she wasn't like one of those young teachers you've ever had a kinship with.

It was a very strange, it was a very strange time in my life.

But yeah, we went back and forth a bit, and then I think it, you know, naturally fizzled out.

Yeah, it was a fizzled out.

Then she just stopped responding.

What would you write to her?

What would you be saying?

What was going on with us, you know, just going on in our lives?

And it ended what when you graduated university?

Actually, I'm due to write back.

And then now I say it out loud: if my kid was writing writing letters to their teacher.

I actually think, like, because now, yeah, it would be considered weird, but I think it's quite sweet.

It is quite sweet, I suppose.

But, like, I also.

Oh, God, how many has she got?

I had quite a few.

I had to see Alice Pen Pal episode, everyone.

Quite a few.

I won't go into them all because I don't want to betray any confidences, but

elderly.

Much older.

Much older.

And you had the cheek to mock my club theatre friends.

Okay, but you literally were writing to old people.

And

at least knew these people.

I could just imagine her like letter bombing old people's homes and things, just hoping someone would.

You know, you had to like send those parcels of tins on Harvest Festival.

Alice just slipped in loads of notes for all the residents.

Guys, I've been written into many wills.

I had a pen pal as well, someone my age.

Okay.

My year five teacher was a bit weird.

Like we'd go around to his house to use the computer and stuff like that.

It was all a bit.

What?

Yeah.

He was lovely.

Nothing dodgy, but it was all a bit like stuff you wouldn't do now.

But he was a maverick.

He liked.

I was a ball boy at a test match between England and India because of him.

He was a big cricket fan, so I was a ball boy.

And what else do he do?

He used to have music lessons with us.

I know all the back catalogue of Sting and the Police because of him.

He'd like play us a Sting song.

Sorry.

He'd play us like Message in Bolt.

I'm learning so much about you both.

It's hard to compute.

He'd play us like Message in a Bottle and have us analyse it.

He's like, what do you think this is about?

And I'm like, well, Message in a Bottle, I guess.

And he's singing the title.

Do we need to listen to it?

Dave's always been very literal.

Yeah.

Anyway, so so one of the things he did was he partnered with a school in West Yorkshire, Hebden Bridge, actually.

Oh, yeah, I know it.

And we'd all have a pen pal in that class.

Very sweet.

I forget the name of mine, but we then went to.

Such a bond.

We then went to Hebden Bridge for a week.

For a week?

To live with our pen pals.

Oh, my God.

What, in year five?

Yeah, but the funniest thing is, so we went, it was almost like a cultural exchange with Yorkshire.

I mean, we were in these Midlands.

I'm going to say it's only five.

What are we teaching them?

So we had to prepare for performances to like show each other when we got there.

Yeah, but we he had us learn West Side's story.

Oh, wow.

Not really your culture, to be fair.

If anything, cultural appropriation.

Yeah, completely cultural appropriation.

So yeah, I was the lead dancer.

Obviously,

I had to learn the dance off the videotape for America.

Do you know that one?

It's quite

upbeat and jazzy.

And another track called Gee Officer Krupke.

Yeah.

This is so special.

And we would learn the dances

off the video, and then we performed them in front of the class in West Yorkshire.

So were you Tony?

I was the lead in both.

I was the lead dancer.

America is.

Well, I think they're the two different sides, both those songs.

I was the Puerto Rican side.

Well, you were for America, but you were also very much the American side for G Officer Kropke.

It's very belletic and very.

You know, the people in the film are amazing dancers.

Jerome Robbins, he was no slouch.

So the Nottingham people were doing West Side Story.

Yes.

And what were were the

Yorkshire lot brings?

Oh, I forget.

I forget.

I think they probably just read a poem.

Boring.

They did like a long balance routine.

Well, that was a lovely tangent, guys.

Many, many stories.

Learned a lot.

But back to the actual book.

So what started as pen pals became so much more.

Marrying Tony made me family, of course, which George finds ever so funny.

But he always did belong to the shadows, Belinda.

And now he's disappeared with all of Bish's money.

I'm fucked too.

Belinda gasped.

She was going to take George Sylvester down if it was the last thing she'd ever do.

She'd eventually use Giselle as bait, she mused idly, thereby paving Giselle's path to the real life.

But for now, they needed Giselle to disappear.

The problem was how.

Belinda, Giselle sobbed.

You've just thought of something, haven't you?

That's because Belinda's eyes have rolled back in her head, as they always do when she has one of her thoughts.

Not really, Belinda said.

No.

No, no, it's nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Giselle sat back and turned as white as a husky dog prancing in the snow.

That's white.

That's really white.

No, it's very white.

So white.

Belinda,

save me.

Giselle pleaded.

Belinda blinked.

We get it.

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You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.

And now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

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It's not the fun glee team time I was expecting.

I really had thought it would be like, Zella Rick and Zell's gamma!

I thought they'd see each other across the bar and bellow and be like, oh my god, it's Aunt Giselle!

I thought they'd have the Chardonnay, yeah, all of that.

No, this is actually quite somber, isn't it?

Belinda blinked.

Don't worry, Giselle, Belinda continued blandly.

You

matter

to me.

Belinda will think of something.

Oh, third person, Wolt.

She'll make a plan.

I love dialogue.

I really love Bobby's dialogue.

And there's ellipses between each of those little bits.

I did wonder what those pauses were.

Yeah, so read into that what you will.

As Belinda nipped and nuzzled Giselle's boob, they smiled at each other.

Their friendship was fused to a whole once more.

Well, we knew.

We knew.

You just pick up where you left off, don't you?

You know, when you've got a really great friend, they go off, they're involved, and it's kind of terroristized, and they come back.

You just pick up where you left off.

However, there was only one problem with this reunion so sexy.

Just the one.

The attentive barmaid all this time had been listening intently.

Back in the kitchens.

She's bloody intent, that barmaid.

Agent XYZ

threw away her little taking orders pad

along with her penis.

Dinah taking orders pad.

Along with her pencil and her apron.

Is she wearing her bodysuit with the insects on it?

Well, she's just taking off her apron, so maybe, maybe that was what was hiding that lovely ensemble.

She now had all the info she needed.

The next morning, Belinda unpacked her gift hamper from Senor Zip.

What is this under hamper?

No, that's what he had, River.

He left him in the quarters.

What?

What's his remember?

Your duchess said.

Senor Zip has left you a hamper in your quarters.

Oh, right, okay.

And they fucked.

It's got crackers in it, small bottles of champagne.

Well, James, amongst the chutneys,

jams, jams, and fresh mussels for a killer paella.

Not fresh anymore, they've been there overnight.

It's not usually a hamper ingredient.

Just because anything perishable, like say shellfish, like because hampers have usually been posted, haven't they?

So you usually avoid offal shellfish.

Offal.

Oh, you shouldn't have this offal hamper.

Thank you so much.

Amongst the chutneys, jams, and fresh mussels for a killer paella.

Stop it, we know.

Paella, your family spent time in Spain, we get it.

Amongst the chutneys, jams.

Amongst the jams.

Can we say paella with you?

Ready, get ready, get ready.

So, amongst the chutneys, jams, and fresh mussels for a killer paella.

Fuck off.

Were one or two gadgets.

One was a cool radio for the shower.

It's waterproof.

Belinda tested it out to start the day, and while she was washing her soapy tits, she was enjoying the music.

How clever that no electric shocks could happen, despite this piece of electrical equipment being near water.

I know that this is really stupid, but I'm with a shower radio.

I just love a shower radio.

It blows my mind to this day.

It's a car,

isn't it?

And they called it puppy lah.

Interception, interception.

Oh, it's a current patient device.

Then Senor Zip's voice rang out as clear as Donnie's.

And they got it.

Interception.

It's just a remix.

I think that's a Victoria Becker song, isn't it?

With Dave Bowers.

Loved it.

I think Dark Child produced that.

So Senor Zip's voice rang out as clear as Donnie's.

As clear as what?

Don'castle.

Oh, puppy love.

Right, love.

Oh, sorry.

The Osmonds.

So.

Word on Mr.

Earthman.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, keep saying that again.

Sorry, the interference is so bad.

Word on

Word on Mithahusman.

It wouldn't have got that.

God.

Word on Mithahusman.

Why are you speaking like that?

Because it's Senor Zip.

Right.

He can speak, though, can't he?

Yeah, I think he's all right.

He's got a Spanish accent.

Oh, is he allergic to the muscle?

What's happened?

He's currently making a paelle, yeah.

That's the thing.

It's the noise.

So, word on Mr.

Hushman.

Word on Mr.

Hushman.

Word on Mithahusman.

If I was Belinda, would the shower already be like, what?

You've spent time in Spain.

This is honestly abysmal.

He has relocated back to Berlin, Germany.

Got that.

Thought you should know.

Thought you should know.

Don't need to say that.

Thought you should know.

Lots of love.

Belinda blinked.

Stop.

There's too many in this one.

She's always blinking.

Well, she's in the shower.

Maybe she's getting to more shower.

So, yeah, so word on Mr.

Hushman.

He's relocated back to Berlin, Germany.

Thought you should know.

Don't need that bit, but yeah, fine.

Interception, interception.

Downstairs, Bella and Belinda were discussing business over breakfast.

Belinda described such a phenomenon as a brisbeck.

Sorry, as a bizbeck, sorry, as a biz break.

Don't you apologise.

Sorry.

Jamie's malfunctioning.

Interception.

Biz break.

Breck biz.

Belinda described such a phenomenon as a bizbreck.

Please never ever say that.

A bizbreck.

Actually, when we need to meet somebody in the future, you know, and we have breakfast with them.

Yes.

Should we call it a bizbreck?

Oh, a bizbreck?

Oh, my God.

I was just sat here, like, what the hell is a bizbreck?

Yeah.

I love that.

Bizbreck.

Bizbreck.

Having a bizbreck.

It's a phenomenon, guys.

Is it?

Well, apparently.

She describes such a phenomenon as a bizbreck.

Bizbreck could be the new brunch.

Yes.

Because brunch didn't always exist.

That was a creation.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a working breakfast.

It's a bizbreck, for God's sake.

Which mainly meant, so it was a bisbreak, which mainly meant champagne was eligible for expenses.

So smart.

Champagne for Brecchi.

Already half cut.

It's a booze bisbreck.

It's a booze bizbreck.

It's a boozy bizbreck.

It's a boozy bisbrec with Belinda Rabella.

Yes.

It's Belinda Abbella's boozy bisbreck.

I've got to say it.

You need a run-up for sure.

So, already half-cut, the team ladies discussed their strategy for the day.

So this is a different dynamic now because, of course, Bella's the boss, boss, Belinda's the underling, if you will, or esteemed colleague, depending on how you look at it.

Underling, is that what you call anyone below you?

Yeah, 100%.

Indeed, despite Belinda recovering from a kidnapping, avenging a murder, and enacting a spy mission, daily business must go on.

Yeah, you got to keep the business going, got to keep it going, got to keep that money coming in.

You've got to prog that biz, you've got to progress that business.

And today was day one of the Pots and Pan-Pacific Cooking Conference.

There's another conference.

Pot and Pan Pacific is quite clever, isn't it?

Yeah, that is clever.

So it's day one of the Pots and Pan Pacific Cooking Conference.

It was major that the Steeles cohort sell good stock, especially given that the Oxy Brillo products were finally on TV air with Cosmo Macaroon Show.

Oh, they'd done that in the previous book.

They'd sold them to Cosmo, so now it's starting to have an effect.

That's great.

So it's not a conference, it's a trade show if they're selling.

I guess.

If this conference is anything like the last one, they're going to be at a massive...

Do you remember she gave woks to every single person in the audience?

It almost almost bankrupted the company.

That's why I worry what they're going to do here, especially with Bella in charge.

Each one they go on, do you think the high-ups are like, oh my god, we can't survive another one of these?

It's just unbelievable.

They want to go on another fucking conference, guys.

Stop them.

So we're finally on air with Cosmo Macaroon Show.

Bella looked at Belinda as she chewed through her over-buffeted plate.

Oh,

yes, that's just sloppy mouth.

I was going to say the opposite.

Sounds gummy.

Oh, something's going on in there.

My teeth.

Belinda, do you know that the toilet's flushed the other way round here?

Oh, God.

As in the water goes down the pan in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere.

Oh, really?

Oh, God.

In fact, Bella's taught you something.

Bloody hell.

I mean, it's not something I think about very often anyway, to be honest.

Belinda blinked, much like Annette.

Absolutely shocked to my core as you can hear.

Belinda is blinking like a normal human in this chapter.

Maybe it's a a sign, Bella prodded.

While we're down under, it could be fun to be opposite town.

To be what?

Opposite town.

To be opposite town, like opposite day.

Opposite day, okay.

Oh no, Bella boss, clocked Belinda, smart as paint.

You?

She's the guy.

Smart as paint.

Never a more true description, Spoken.

Oh no, Bella boss.

You are me and I am you, which means you do all the work while I eat, drink and shag myself around this exhibition.

As Belinda slurped gut yogurt, Bella gunned.

Don't call it gut yogurt.

Gut yogurt.

It's going to be like, you know, like yakkel or something that's good for your gut.

For your gut.

Yeah.

It's not yogurt from the gut.

For the gut.

That's disgusting.

As Belinda slurped gut yogurt.

You can imagine Rocky Gut.

Wilmer, don't forget to get the gut yogurt on the big shop.

Totally.

So as Belinda slurped her gut yogurt, Bella punched the sideboard in frustration.

He does all his own stunts.

It was down to her to sell the newest Steels trinket that she didn't quite know how to operate.

What's the new trinket?

How hard can it be?

Cook on it.

Yeah, exactly.

How does it work?

Just sell it.

Who cares?

Yeah, you just have to demo.

Or does she?

Oh, God.

It would be nice if the person in charge knew how to use their product.

Also, it's going to be a flat bit of non-stick pan.

Like, how many ways are there to use it?

Asbella sucked her knuckles better.

She's got a whole fist in her mouth.

Asbella sucked her knuckles better.

I bet she's one of those who can put a whole hand in her mouth.

Oh.

One of those.

That type of person.

Can you do it?

Look at the size of your fist.

Yeah, that's not going to my mouth.

No, of course not.

Asbella sucked her knuckles better.

Giselle swanned into the breakfast location.

Oh, she's there too.

Okay, great.

So So don't be seen with her in the bar sit on a different table, but of course, come to the big, big conference by all means.

Sporting a new Vidal Bassoon wig.

Oh, shut up.

Videl Bassoon.

Videl Bassoon.

I don't quite get it.

Vidal Sassoon, who is like a famous hairdresser.

Right.

Created the five-point haircut.

Oh.

Okay.

Five-point haircut.

I'm not really, I don't really know about that.

Kind of Mary Kwan era, like sort of

angular

60s kind of

doesn't make any sense.

I don't know if Fidel Sassoon does wigs, but I mean if the

sorry

although I do like Vidal Baboon

They both sound very high end yeah I do beg your pardon different company entirely

um so she looks almost unrecognisable.

If I hadn't licked you out every third Thursday, I'd never know it was you, Belinda commented through breakfast.

Really?

asked Giselle, in need of friendly reassurance.

Yeah, gobbled Bella.

Don't know what's not kept you hiding that skullet of Tufts for so long.

I don't know what's not.

Don't know what's not kept you hiding that skullet of Tufts for so long.

Oh, pipe down, Bella.

What are you on about?

Basically, I don't know why you haven't had a week sooner.

Bless you, Bella.

Giselle prayed, pouring a double box fizz.

At the Pots and Pan Pacific Cookware Conference, the Glee team were in their element.

Yes, this is where they belong.

This is when they're at their best.

Their product tent was airy, big, and slathered with the Steels logo.

Fantastic.

But Belinda was a vendor viper, snatching deal after sale after dealing.

Oh, yes.

Woo!

Woo!

You get a wok.

You get a wop.

Are you, fancier saucy pan?

You do, fab.

Hey, man, how about a cheeky wok?

Magic times, babe.

Magic times.

So that's where salty pan and cheeky wok comes from for the chapter.

So wait, they're just retailers now.

They're just selling.

It's like an apprentice tower.

But they're not wholesale.

They're not selling contracts or like big purchases.

They're selling pans.

So, hey, man, how about a cheeky wok?

Magic times, babe.

This attitude was relentless.

Shut up.

This attitude was relentless, and it was really getting on Bella's big titties as she nervously sweated through every thread of her daydress backstage.

She's going to do what Belinda did at the O2.

So she's going to have to get mic'd up, everybody.

It's Alpha Merlin.

No, no, no, no, no.

We can only hope he is a specialist, so maybe...

He might have flown him over.

He's not that a specialist.

I'm sure they've got sound men in Australia.

No, but he does the very special strategy where he goes around the boots.

Around the boots.

Yeah.

Bella's personal demonstration of the new Steels,

and this is in quote marks.

Her personal demonstration of the new Steels Cry No More Knife.

Cry No More?

Cry No More Knife.

Oh, stop it.

It's a knife that if you stab yourself with it, it's fine.

A self-healing knife.

Or when you cut onions, you don't, it stops you from crying when you cut onions.

Oh, my God.

So the new Steel's Cry No More Knife was a tricky task, but she was determined to try.

Wait a sec, because there's loads of old wives' tales about if you like bite on a wooden spoon at the same time or if you goggles.

Well, I used to do goggles, didn't I, at university?

Do you remember?

I used to wear swimming goggles, but it doesn't

work.

It doesn't work for me because you can buy special sort of almost like scuba for masks.

Who's cutting a white?

I used to need it, yeah.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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Walking on stage, she was encouraged by applause and her confidence grew.

Right.

Good Good day, Pan-Pacific!

She bellowed.

I don't imagine that was the reaction

to Lord.

She bellowed to no one in particular.

Welcome to the cutting-edge onion buster utensil.

Everyone's on about.

On about.

Everyone's on about.

If it works, and I'd love to hear the science behind it.

I think it's a great idea.

Although I personally love the stylish oxy onion goggles of last season, I had a 3D pair myself.

3D?

the

why do they need to be 3d life is 3d Bella Madame

I could see the whole onion it was great whose idea was that

we didn't know they were producing goggles did we no this this knife what's this knife what's this stupid day

so although I personally love the stylish oxy onion goggles of last season I had a 3D pair myself the boffins at steals pots and pans have now created something better

I give you a sharp knife that blows air outwards as it slices onions.

Right.

The silence of a hairdryer with a knife strapped to it.

The silence in the fast dispersing crowd worried Belinda.

Oh, it's clearing out.

She's done an absolute rotter.

Who just shouted out, yeah!

Now I know why she wasn't very sure about how to use it.

Forget lighting a candle, Bella continued.

I don't think that's one.

Chewing a teaspoon.

You don't chew it, you just put it in your mouth.

A teaspoon, a metal teaspoon.

Or singing Green Grow the Rushes O backwards.

This is a future.

Two of those I've never, ever heard of.

Green Grow the Grushes Grow.

What was that?

Green Green.

This is a song that our auntie used to sing.

I'd say sing with us, make us sing on hikes when we were kids.

What's it called?

Green Grow the Rushes, oh.

Green Grow the Rushes.

Green Grow the Rushes, though?

No, that's a...

Maybe that's what you do to stop yourself from crying.

Never heard of that.

That's hiccups, isn't it?

Yeah, you drink upside down.

Right, he's combined a lot of different alternative medical remedies there.

So it's clearing out.

We think this is an absolute stinker of an idea.

Apparently, so did the conference.

Yes.

But you would imagine that perhaps when she demos, they're not going to believe their non-Teary eyes.

She will elicit tears of joy and amazement.

Which she'll blow away by holding a knife up to their face.

So this is the future.

With that authoritative statement, Bella began chopping an onion live on

a live onion chopping.

Imagine the spectacle.

David Blaine's not done this one, has he?

Sprinkles...

of people watched.

But unfortunately,

the settings hadn't been expertly calibrated on the blade air filter why because Belle didn't know what she was doing no but surely there's somebody that can calibrate the fucking knife calibrate the knife guys how many times you know the saying don't negotiate with terrorists the second rule that every day calibrate the knife calibrate the blade air filter that's how big is this thing if it's got a kind of it's got a barrel on it you know what i would i would love people to send in their designs for the what's it called um the steel's cry no more knife the steel's cry no More Knife.

So, based on what you know, and maybe there's more to come, but we'd love to see some drawing.

We've got a lot of very talented illustrators out there.

Absolutely, yeah.

Love to see some designs.

There'll be people that work in product development as well, so they're probably aware of this in the marketplace.

Like, they're like, oh, this has been around for a while, but you know, obviously, Steels has got their first.

And I'm guessing the blowing of the air is to obviously get the onion contaminants away from your eyes.

Away from your eyes, yeah,

anyone next to you or near you.

But don't forget, guys, it's got settings as well.

It's got settings, and you've got to, we must stress again, calibrate the blade air filter.

Okay.

Much to her embarrassment, squirts of onion juice sprayed into her heavily mascara eyes.

Oh, so now it's sucking the air back and like sort of blowing it into her.

Wow, that is badly calibrated.

Why does it even have that option?

Making her cry flavor some tears.

Oh shit, this is an absolute doozy.

Oh no, my eyes!

They're blinded by juice!

Don't say that on stage.

You're like, style it out, Bella.

It's live!

Despite the demo going pear-shaped, Bella finished on brand like the professional she wished she was.

Well I would argue she really didn't.

Sal.

The brand is no tears.

Sal.

No crying.

That is the brand.

It's called cry no more.

Like you run more of a risk of getting onion in your eye with this knife than without.

And she thinks she's blind.

So she's got a knife in her hand.

She's blind and she's screaming that this is the worst.

This is going to go viral.

So

if you want a steal,

get a steel's pots and pans.

She catchphrase.

Get a steel's pots and pans what?

We've never heard this catchphrase before.

If you want a steal.

Spelt with an A.

Yeah.

Get a steal.

Spelled three E's.

Pots and Pans.

Get a steel's pots and pans.

And then what trails off?

Get a steel's pots and pans.

You can't have a catchphrase that then just goes into really small print where you can't read the rest.

Maybe you should put the product after it.

So, like, if you want to steal, get a steals pots and pans cry no more knife.

Right.

So she's just missed out that last point.

Well, you've made it into something, but that's not actually what.

I mean, we could have a big brainstorm about what the catchphrase should be.

So the catchphrase of steals is apparently.

So if you want to steal, get a steel's pots and pans.

Okay.

Okay.

It doesn't, it doesn't necessarily make sense, but it's not great.

We're no experts, I suppose.

Footfall was not really pumping post-Bela's demo.

No.

You amazed me.

But through the synthetic shards of fake hair on her head, Giselle saw a glamorous older lady fingering the stainless steel section.

Older ladies, what older ladies do we know?

Duchess.

That's the only one I'm thinking.

Hello, feasible customer.

Giselle spoke.

Hello, insert name here.

Hi.

Oh, it's just older, so.

Hi.

I'm Trixie Forward.

Said Trixie Forward, very forward.

Trixie Forward.

What is Trixie Forward gonna be like?

I think she's gonna be forward.

With 30 years experience in the bees,

I'm a high-quality buyer for bidden breakfasts throughout all the bush, up all the way to Boona Knob.

To where?

Boona Knob.

That can't be real.

Boona Knob.

Am I googling Boona Knob?

I don't care.

No, don't bother.

Joking, go on.

No, doesn't exist.

Banker Knob, Bullshit Hill, and Guy's Dirty Hole.

What what?

Are all real places in Australia?

But Boona Knob isn't.

Bum Cooler Flat, Cock Up.

Oh, wow.

Quality Knobs, Dismal Swamp, Prickly Bottom.

So if you'd just done a little bit of research, she could have actually had a swag.

Any of those.

Boona Knob.

Giselle continued, encouraged.

Well, if you're interested in our world of cookware, my colleague has the price gun.

Price gun?

Trixie looked dead into the eyeballs of Giselle in a wig and she smiled.

Yes, I'd love to make an order.

Thank you.

She let the the lack of name hang like a big dick on a nudist beach.

That's good.

That's what I'm going to think every time somebody goes, and you are.

So she let the lack of name hang in the air like a big dick on a nudist beach.

Guinevere, Giselle said with uneasy confidence.

She's not thought through what she's going to call herself.

No one knows who she is and also Guinevere.

Like, that's going to draw suspicion.

Surely.

I've never met a Guinevere in my whole life.

No one's been called Guinevere since medieval times.

Guinevere.

Giselle said with uneasy confidence.

Uneasy confidence.

So she is confident.

Guinevere.

Well,

I lance a lot of deals.

Trixie winked at her.

Very good.

Very good.

So this should be fun.

As Giselle's muff melted, her heart knew she'd picked the right profession.

So that moment had like galvanised her joy

for the job.

It's her vocation.

Pointing Trixie forward to Belinda, she breathed in an honest day's work.

Trixie forward or pointing Trixie forward?

Pointing Trixie forward, forward to Belinda.

No, just pointing Trixie forward to Belinda.

She breathed in an honest day's work.

It didn't take long for Belinda and Trixie to cook up a storm at the cashier's register.

Hagging it up by the till.

She bought 8,000 units.

Oh my god!

She got a big car Of various items on credit with a hand slap, lip lick and bosom bump.

Did they lick each other's lips or do they lick their own lips?

Always worth asking.

Belinda knew a like-minded businesswoman when she felt their breasts against her own.

So she invited Trixie back to her hotel suite.

How do you know if someone's like-minded?

Breast to breast, that's how you know.

Hailing from Boona Knob herself, Trixie Forward was grateful for the lodgings.

It's far.

They're far away.

And after many stories of botched sales and even more bottles of champagne later, it was time to kiss.

Trixie's nipples were a dream come real.

Perfection.

With areolas as pimpled as strawberries.

Oh, I kind of understand that.

Yeah, little seeds that are on a strawberry.

I mean, I wouldn't say mine are seeded, but they're more of a plain batch.

But yeah, okay.

With areolas as pimpled as strawberries and teats as hard as an entrance exam, She was just demanding to be sucked numb.

He loves a nipple, doesn't he?

He loves a nipple.

He's seen a lot of him.

Let's listen to that detail.

I know.

Belinda prayed to the Norse gods she was in for a good old tongue-lashing from her client.

Trixie Forward could read her desires like the passages of Shakespeare, so promptly unwrapped her muggy pussy.

Wow, I was going to say how poetic it was, and then we had the muggy pussy.

Muggy is a new one on us.

Muggy.

Muggy is Siddhit's hot, humid, damp.

She read her like Shakespeare, which is actually quite hard to read, isn't it?

So she found her difficult to read.

Is that what we're

unless she's some sort of scholar?

She's Judy Dench.

So unwrapped her muggy pussy.

Unwrapped?

That sounds cling-filmed, doesn't it?

Which obviously.

No wonder it's muggy.

Well, it would be.

It's been wrapped in cellophane.

That's going to exacerbate it.

Unwrapped and left out in the heat.

What?

Her thumb tips vibed around Belinda's vaginal mound like a pro,

Inserting three fingers and tongue at the same time.

It's a lot.

It's a full vagina.

Inserting three fingers and tongue, Trixie Forward began having an internal feel around.

Bloody how she's.

Trixie Forward is not backwards and going forwards.

I really hate how Rocky describes stuff as being, you know, like, it's always like an internal interrogation, an investigation, a scan, an examination, having a feel around like what

feel around what are they looking for like what do you expect to find

each wrong corner Trixie took

you can't you simply can't get lost there's no corners in the vagina

that should be it should really think of it as a tunnel Rocky it's not like oh I took another wrong left turn you know where I ended up I mean I dread to think where he thinks you end up each wrong corner Trixie took sent Belinda into new realms of nirvana, and it wasn't long before the wombat skin rug was soaking wet in biotic extract.

Oh, is that like gut yogurt?

It's like how they make gut yogurt.

Oh my god,

and one bat one bat rug, yeah, yeah.

I was coming to that.

She was coming on it, I was coming to it.

Um,

um, one bat rug, you know, that's cruel.

Skin wombats from rugs, You know, roadkill, to be fair, there's a lot of that in Australia, isn't there?

Okay.

Um, so the one bat skin rug was soaking wet in biotic extract, and Belinda blinked.

Which brings us to the end of story time today.

No.

Yes, that's the end of the chapter.

So, what have we learned there?

Giselle's back.

Giselle's back in the fold.

Uh, the Glee team are one once more.

After Bella's initial hesitancy, she seems to get over that quickly.

Yep, that was a red herring.

We have new technology.

Other inventions have been the focus of corporate espionage, but nobody wants the onion knife.

Nobody's trying to steal this.

Yeah, no suggestion that anyone bought one.

There was also the other bit of tech in Senor Zip's

shower radio, which did tell us that Mr.

Hushman is back in Germany.

Just thought you should know.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that quite vital plot point that overshadowed my

Trixie Forward had a boozy biz break, whatever it was.

God, there was a lot actually.

Now we look back on these many, many, many hours.

Given time to really let it percolate, um, yes, there you go.

That was chapter four, racing through the book.

We're still in Australia, though.

I really didn't think we'd be in Australia this long.

What is going on back at base?

Well, it's interesting.

The next chapter might allude to that because it's just called Back to Basics.

Oh, okay, then

sometimes you're in his mind and you don't even know it.

It's a scary, scary, dark place to be.

If you do have a design, of course, for the onion knife, or if you've got any questions or queries, or I always love the theories about where we're going to go next.

My dadwrotaporno at gmail.com.

Yep, and you can contact us on Twitter at dadrotaporno and Instagram at my dadroteh.

Follow us and subscribe.

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It means you never miss a chapter.

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So, yeah, do come back next week for another porno day.

Now, who fancies a bizbreck?

James, it's far too late in the day.

And dad won't let us expense any champagne.

We get it.

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