S1E3 - 'The Regional Sales Meeting' REMASTERED

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language.

Basically, all the good stuff.

Jamie, why are we here?

We're here because my dad's written a porno.

Your dad's written a porno.

Erotic literature.

Why?

Previously, on my dad wrote a porno.

Giselle walked over to the drinks cabinet, poured two stiff gin and tonics, and started to stroke Belinda's tits with her long fingernails.

Oh, God.

With a long

fingernails.

The two girls started to excite each other, and soon their respective vaginas were wet and steaming.

Can we talk about respective vaginas?

I don't think that phrase has ever been written down, ever.

Belinda's nipples started to swell in anticipation.

Tay fever season.

Get her some in Pyrriton.

God, it's your dad, Jamie.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry for you.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to chapter three of my dad wrote a porno.

Alice, thanks for coming back.

Thank you for having me.

James, lovely for you to be here as ever.

I love these days.

Oh.

What's more with feeling?

I'm so excited, as always.

You well should be because chapter three is called the regional sales meeting.

Stop it.

I know.

It's sexy as ever.

I feel so alive with lust.

Hang on.

Is this going to be a sexy chapter?

Is this just going to be a bit of an admin chapter?

James, we're reading Belinda Blinked.

Everything's sexy.

James, every porno has an admin chapter.

Duh.

Okay, sorry.

Just as a recap for people who maybe are new to the podcast, my dad has written a porno, an erotic novel called Belinda Blinked.

And we are going to be reading it together, critiquing it, maybe tearing it to pieces a little bit there.

shredding it.

I like to think we're preserving it for time immemorial.

Future generations.

Yeah.

And it's all about Belinda, who is a sales manager at a pots and pans company.

So she's selling pots and pans while also getting fucked.

So it's very exciting.

You had me at pots and pans.

You had me at Belinda.

And lost you at fucked.

I'm sure.

And for the purposes of this podcast, we will refer to my father only as his pen name, which is, of course, Rocky Flintstone.

Rocky Flintstone, indeed.

Okay, so without...

It never never loses its clean.

It might by chapter 14.

Without further ado, let's jump straight in.

Belinda Blinked, chapter 3, the regional sales meeting.

Belinda had an early breakfast and was in the office for 7.30am.

This was probably a pretty important day for her as it would be the first time she would meet her UK senior sales management.

In other words, the people who reported to her in business terms.

Thanks, Rocky, for that explanation.

If some of this book feels like Rocky's put it through like Google Translate or something

English to bullshit.

Can you just read that back?

English to bullshit and back again.

She had no particular views.

Surprise, surprise, Belinda.

On anything.

What?

She had no particular views.

That's a paragraph for Rocky.

Parentheses.

Oh.

Just lots of third-party information about the performance and caliber of these four managers.

There were also 20 or so salesmen who reported to them on the ground and she had fairly or unfairly pessimistic thoughts about how the whole sales organization was performing but in sales you can always be surprised especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board to accept your way of doing things

i think we should ring the grammar alarm bell i need to read this along with you because i have no i don't understand

i'm reading it and i still don't have to say please don't add punctuation if rocky's left it out that's his own too bad but linda was good at this good at what wait are you not going going to recap that sentence?

I think I'll have to, Alice.

Yeah.

But in sales, you can always be surprised, especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board, to accept your way of doing things.

Excuse me?

I love that Rocky's not afraid to write a sentence that makes no sense.

That's true.

Without meaning and also with verbs in a very unconventional place.

In all seriousness, is English Rocky's first language?

He's Irish.

Okay.

So, yes.

I love that we're learning more about Rocky, though.

Oh, spoiler alert.

Maybe if you do that sentence in an Irish accent, we might understand it a bit.

Oh, do you think?

Okay.

But in sales, you can always be surprised, especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board.

Do you accept your way of doing things?

Oh, right, yeah.

Make some people take them on board, yeah.

Thank God you did that.

Was that the worst Irish accent anyone?

I've never heard you do a worse one.

You're usually very good at it.

No, sorry.

Irish, Jamaican.

Okay.

But in Seals, you can always be surprised, especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board.

To accept your way of doing things.

Yes, still no makes no sense to me.

Not go clue.

Not a clue.

Belinda was good at this, and Tony knew it.

This was probably one of the many reasons he had hired her.

Well, that and the fact that she got naked in the interview.

I was going to say there's one reason.

Am I the only one who has no idea what is going on so far?

There was no major desire in Tony's business plan to sack all the sales force and bring in new people.

Develop what we have was his mantra.

Well, who suggested firing them?

Oh, because Belinda was saying that she

had pessimistic thoughts about how the whole sales organisation was performing.

What?

So she was just going to get rid of everybody?

I've just got kind of pessimistic for it.

Get fired.

She's a dirty Lord Sugar.

Belinda had already thrashed out a strategy with Tony in her first three weeks of induction to the company.

It was simple.

If the salesmen and sales managers show any sign of performance, they keep them.

No shit, Sherlock.

If they show any sign of performance, that means they can be operating at 10% performance, but they've shown a sign of performance.

They can show up, to be sure.

So if they're alive, if they have a pulse, they get to keep their job.

Belinda was tough, but not mercenary.

And she would use all her talents to make the existing sales team work.

Does anyone else think that Rocky's got word of the day toilet paper?

Mercenary was today's.

She just wondered how far she would have to go to get them on side.

Well, we know what the implication is there.

Well, yeah, I imagine she means sexy time, but why doesn't she just stop firing people and then they might like her?

To be fair, she hasn't fired anyone yet.

All right, sorry, Belinda's biggest fan.

Do you feel like because your dad has written this character that she's part of the family?

Does she feel like an older sister?

Does she feel like Auntie Belinda?

I wouldn't say she's part of the family, James.

No, but I feel a certain loyalty to her, yeah.

That is a great question, actually.

Does she resemble anybody that you know?

Like, can you think who Belinda might be based on?

Does anyone come around at Christmas and, you know, take the blouse off?

Go on, you're thinking of someone right now.

I'm really not.

Okay.

We believe you.

Thousands of women.

Are we going to meet like Mavis next door to your mum and dad?

And she'll be like, red heels, runnel of liquid down a lower left thigh.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Melinda.

I'm Belinda from Lumlenthal.

I work in cutlery.

I am head of knives and forks at a regional distribution builder.

I'm tough, but not mercenary.

Nine o'clock came and Belinda rang for...

Nine o'clock and she was in the office at half seven.

Time management is poor.

What's she done?

Leather room.

Let's see Leather Room.

Now she's found it.

Nine o'clock came, and Bella rang her from reception to say the two northerly regional managers wanted a lift from Heathrow as they couldn't get a taxi to take them to the offices.

You can't get a taxi at Heathrow.

You are fired.

Sorry.

Classic, Belinda thought.

The company locates near Heathrow, and you can't get a taxi between the two places as the taxi fare is too low.

Eh?

Classic.

That is a classic sentence, right?

Fired a pound.

Belinda picked up the phone to her sales administration manager, Jim Thompson.

Her Mr.

Fixer.

Jim Thompson.

New character alert.

New character, Jim Thompson.

Possible fling.

Hi, Jim.

Belinda here.

Can you rescue my two regional sales managers from the airport?

Be delighted to, Belinda.

Can I take the pool car?

replied Jim.

When is someone gonna finger someone?

Jesus.

All we want is a bit of rusty.

Sure, Belinda replied.

Just put the cost centre to both of them.

What are you talking about?

I'm so bored.

This must be why the book is marketed to business and leadership, because as it's tagged on Amazon.

Absolutely.

Well, all Google searches, Alice.

I can't imagine there's any other reason why you'd need to know the cost centre in a neurotic novel.

And also why we're talking about taxi fares.

I've never been more comatose in my whole life.

This better take a turn at for the book soon.

Jim laughed heartily and said, we'll do.

Laughed heartily at Cost Centre.

Jim's a fucking dweeb.

A knock on Belinda's door saw her London and home counties regional sales manager, my god, what a title, stick his head round the door.

Pardon the intrusion, Miss Blumenthal, but I'm Des Martin.

You know, you're not Jim Martin.

Jim, Des.

Des!

What are these names?

No one is freaking called Des.

Des Martin, Tony, Belinda, Jim.

And then Giselle pops out of nowhere.

Giselle.

I'm Des Martin.

You know, you're London man.

Belinda got up.

Des, great to meet you.

Grab a seat.

We're just picking two of the guys up from Heathrow, which only leaves our man from the West to appear.

Can we guess what the West man's name is going to be?

Oh, I know already, but you can guess.

Yeah.

Nigel, probably.

I'm going to say Graham or

Lucian, just because like it's a bit random and he'd do that.

Ah, you mean Dave Wilcox from Bristol, said Des.

Why didn't I think of Dave Wilcock?

Oh my goodness, such boring names.

It's brilliant.

I certainly do, replied Belinda, as she sat down behind her desk.

Oh, by the way, call me Belinda from now on.

Will do, Belinda, replied Des confidently, as he eyed her shapely legs and ass.

She sat down.

She's gonna have it off with Des Martin.

Des Martin loves a shapely calf.

Belinda thought, I like you, Des Martin.

Stop saying, Des Martin.

Drink.

Belinda thought, I like you, Des Martin.

Confident, sophisticated, good looking.

But why the terrible sales performance?

She sighed and leaned back on her chair, pushing forward her breasts.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

First mention of the breasts.

First sexy moment, really.

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So, Des.

Are you prepared for today?

Are you ready to expose yourself, your team, and your client base to the new lady and master?

Is this a carry-on film?

What's with the like exposures?

There'd be sex in a carry-on film.

Lady and Master?

What does that even mean?

Belinda, said Dez, if I'm honest, it'll be the first time anyone in this company has taken an interest in us a salesman instead of bypassing us with corporate details done from head office over a bottle of whiskey.

Dez, stop being so bitter.

Cynicism is not sexy.

No.

Belinda looked shocked.

Tell me you're joking.

Is this the real story I'm about to find out about today?

Put it this way, said Des.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

He also thought, What a magnificent pair of tits.

Desmartin?

Des Martin, you absolute perv.

He also thought, what a magnificent pair of tits.

How long will it take me to get them into my hands?

And is my job worth it?

Get them into my hands.

I wonder how long it took me to get them into my hands.

Des has just aged about 40 years in my mind.

Des Martin, please.

Sorry, Des Martin.

A second knock at her office door saw the Western Regional Sales Manager, Dave Wilcox, pop his head around.

Stop giving their titles.

Just say Dave Wilcox.

You've introduced him.

Hope I'm not late, but the traffic on the M4 was desperate.

Piss off, Dave.

Come on in, Dave.

I'm Belinda, and very nice to meet you.

I mean, to be fair to Belinda, at least she's showing more personality this chapter.

Like, you know, she's smiling, she's saying hi to people.

Before she just lay there and just took it.

I think there's more sass to her than I realised.

She's willing to fire the whole outfit and remove her own.

Oh, you've rehearsed that.

Yeah.

I am the offspring of the genius that is Rocky Flintstone.

These things just roll off my tongue.

Imagine the sort of things you would write given half a chance.

Maybe that could be our next

part of the Sun Writing Project.

Gross.

Minutes later, Jim Thompson rang and told Belinda that the two other regional sales managers would be in the car park in three minutes.

Shut up.

I'm like, we're still not in the building.

I don't need minute-by-minute updates.

Just be there.

Thanks, Jim.

Get them to the conference room ASAP and we'll get started for 10am.

So Belinda's been there since 7.30 and this meeting is only starting at 10am.

I mean, I've fired a lot of them.

This company needs to kick up the ass, quite frankly, and Belinda's the one to do it.

She'll get something up her ass, James.

I'm not sure it's...

Whoa!

Mum, I wasn't ready for that.

The conference room was up market, much like Belinda herself.

Tony liked to impress those customers who visited the offices, and one of the best ways was decent meeting spaces.

Too right.

Jim, quickly introduce Patrick O'Hamlin.

Yeah.

He's definitely done a name generator.

The Scottish and Ireland regional sales manager.

Oh, of course.

No shit.

Patrick O'Hamlin, as he played his flute.

Patrick O'Hamlin came in with his harp.

As an actual Irishman himself, he should totally be offended.

And Ken Dewsbury, regional stairs manager for Central and North England.

For For Central and Northern England.

Yes.

It's quite a big plot, quite important.

Well, someone's Scotland and Ireland.

That's two different countries.

Both were like chalk and cheese.

Patrick was a fast-talking Irishman, originally born in Dublin, whilst Ken was from God's own country, South Yorkshire, and sported an accent to match.

My God, thought Belinda.

What a varied team.

Surely we can do something with this lot.

Belinda called the meeting to a halt at noon.

Patrick and Dave had each given their hourly presentation, though Belinda could have asked enough questions to extend their presentations to three hours each.

Thank fuck she didn't.

However, she knew she needed an overview, and the detail could come later in the field when she spent time with each manager individually.

What are you talking about?

Where is the sex?

Do you know what?

Should we just tear this chapter out?

Just burn this chapter.

Just pretend this never happened.

It is living up to its title somehow.

Oh my goodness.

Do you think Rocky Light?

Did he phone this one in?

Do you think your mum wrote this one?

Do not bring Wilma into this.

Lunch was a quick pint and sandwich at the local pub.

The bull in the rushes.

And as time was of the essence, she felt she could only work a little bit of her female magic.

Oh, here we go.

See my magic.

Hello.

In the ladies' toilets, Belinda removed her jacket.

Blouse.

And bra.

Drink.

Oh, my God.

We've been so starved of sex, we're all getting so giddy.

I can't even speak.

I can't bear it.

She ran the cold tap.

I'm all a quiver.

She ran the cold tap and dabbed the water onto her nipples, making them stand to attention.

That'll have to do for now, she thought,

as she shoved her bra into her leather handbag.

She put her blouse back on, leaving three of the five buttons undone.

She was now showing her cleavage big time and threw her jacket casually over her shoulder.

The silken blouse quickly became transparent due to the water and clung longly, longingly to her stunning breasts.

Drink.

So that's what she's up to.

But wait, it's only going to be clinging in the nipple area, so it's going to look like she's lactating through her blouse.

Yeah.

Sexy.

She walked back into the drinking area.

The bar, if you will.

The watering hole.

And observed the effect she had on her new sales team.

Only two of her managers immediately observed her subtle change of attire.

That's not subtle.

And Belinda soon noticed some astute elbowing going on around the team.

Her blouse is sopping wet.

What do you mean?

Accompanied with wry smiles from the northerners.

I love that the northerners are really little.

Scottish and Irish, but don't worry about it.

Lads, lads, lads.

Jim was chuckling to himself as he was office-based, and he had heard the rumours put around by Bella and Giselle.

Now he could believe them.

Are you freaking kidding?

They've been spreading muck about Belinda.

Belinda.

They're the one who instigated it.

I know.

they're right mucky puppies themselves Giselle needs to get some respect that is the afternoon sessions were equally as professional and Belinda was particularly impressed by Ken Dewsbury the man showed wit style and competence in that order Des Martin was however a true pro His London bearing and obvious sales talents indicated to Belinda that he was probably her first avenue to finding out how the individual members of the regional sales team ticked by the end of the meeting Belinda's blouse had dried out but her lack of bra and hardened nipples chafing continually against the tight blouse was still being noticed.

I hope she's got some of that ointment from chapter two.

They'll still be scratched from Giselle.

Just a little chamomile lotion for that.

I thought that every chapter you could have a new product for her to clean up.

Tiger bomb, chamomile lotion.

I could make a fortune.

Just makes me wonder what your nipples have to

put up with in the past.

Does it?

We can put that thought back in your head.

Good, she thought.

Let's see who has the guts to make the first move.

In her short closing comments, which wound down the business side of things, Belinda suggested they all adjourn to the Pentra Hotel, which was beside Heathrow Airport.

That meant the two managers who were on evening flights to Leeds and Glasgow could get off easily, and the rest of them could drive home after the Rush Hour traffic.

Give a fuck.

Why are you telling us this?

It's so mundane.

When does Des Martin take his trousers off?

That's what I'm going to know.

Dave,

you've got your trousers back on.

Belinda also decided to throw in a couple of wild cards, so she asked Giselle and Bella if they would join her team for a couple of drinks on their way home.

Don't trust those two bitches.

Both were as keen as mustard when they found out it was all on Belinda's expenses.

Piss heads, the pair of them, G's.

Yeah, piss heads, girls,

and freeloaders.

Jim Thompson drove the three girls over to the Pentra, where they met the regional sales managers in the long bar which overlooked the runway.

It was now six o'clock, and the bar was filling up.

Jim found seats at a table tucked away in the far corner of the room.

Belinda started the proceedings by taking off her jacket and downing her GNT in one.

Bella followed, and Giselle accidentally spilt some of her drink over her blouse, which meant that she had to go to the restroom and dry off.

Restroom, the American again.

All that came off was her bra.

And like Belinda earlier that day, she was ready for action with a translucent white blouse and to die for nipples.

Alice, you're a lady.

Hello.

Have you ever done this trick?

Like, got into the toilet, put a few glabs of cold water on your nose.

And whip my bra off.

Whip your bra off and and hit the towel.

Doesn't ring any bells, but not the worst idea I've ever heard.

June was on the ball, and by the time Giselle had returned, he had two replacement G and T's on the table.

Bella, by now, had gathered the drift of the drink sessions.

As she wasn't wearing a bra that day, she coyly unbuttoned the top three of her blouse buttons and slowly removed her jacket.

Why has everyone got a jacket and a blouse on?

And why will no one wear a bra?

Her cleavage was revealed, and a quiet gasp of admiration went around the table.

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Giselle flicked some tonic water at Bella's nipples and soon achieved the desired result.

Take it off, Bella, Des Martin whispered.

The tonic will stay in your blouse.

Look at Belinda's and Giselle's already.

Yeah, famously, the clear tonic will stain her blouse.

Bella smiled and thought, will I be the first?

Surely Belinda can't.

as these guys report to her.

Then, in a quick movement, Bella unbuttoned the rest of her blouse and let her magnificent breasts hang out for all to see.

Hang out.

In the pub?

Are they just doing a weather spoons or whatever?

And she's getting her poops out.

They're not even in the Bull in the Rushes anymore, are they?

No, he threw her out.

No, no, no, they're in the Pentra or whatever it's called.

Sorry.

Still generally frowned upon to whap your baps out, isn't it?

Yeah, and also, they're hanging.

Ken Jewsbury choked over his pint of bitter.

You bet he bloody did.

What's the other three regional managers?

Oh my God, the regional managers.

I'm going to scream.

No, that is a big one to drink on, regional managers.

And someone earlier took something off quickly.

Sorry, I meant to say.

Ken Jewsbury choked over his pint of bitter whilst the other three regional managers chanted quietly.

Who's next?

Who's next?

Chanted.

Who's next?

Next.

Who's next?

Who's next?

Can you imagine being in this hotel bar?

You'd be like, who the hell are these people?

And poor Jewsbury is choking his guts up.

No one's hindlicking him, are they?

Well, that wasn't a...

Does it sound like a euphemism?

Belinda looked at Giselle, who nodded, and in a leisurely fashion, with a big hint of tease, unbuttoned the rest of her blouse.

Hint of a tease.

Hint of a tease.

Her tits hung freely.

Oh, God.

Like pomegranates.

Here we go.

Which famously don't hang

to hang like pomegranates they hung like pomegranates

you know what rocky did on there he was like not going for melons too obvious way too obvious i'm gonna have to google what pomegranate looks like well one end's quite spiky her tits hung freely like pomegranates

genuinely my favourite quote and she gently massaged them with her hands come on belinda whispered Ken.

Don't let the sales team down now.

I've got a picture of a pomegranate.

I now know what Giselle's breasts look like.

Belinda smiled and replied, I'll want a 10% increase in your sales next month, Ken.

Done, he replied.

Belinda slowly opened the remaining two buttons of her blouse.

Her tits fell loose.

Fell loose.

She's 29.

Like a sack of rocks.

Fell loose.

Like a sack of spuds.

Like a sack of pomegranates.

Also, it was her blouse holding in her breasts.

Yeah, silk can be very strong.

It's soft but sturdy.

Very sturdy.

Her tits fell loose.

She took a drink and started to massage her nipples with her fingertips.

Alice is allergic to sex.

Sorry, I just orgasmed.

You had a tenth of an orgasm, much like the 10% increase in Ken's thails.

The RSMs all clapped in admiration.

Has he finally abbreviated it?

He has dumped the regional sales managers, thank God, and they're now just the RSMs.

They just give a round of applause.

What for the tits?

Yeah.

Never had they had a sales meeting culminate like this one.

Things were looking up.

And with three pairs of stunning breasts on show, they could do anything.

They do not sound stunning.

They sound like they're all hanging around their knees the way he's described.

You now know what a pomegranate looks like.

Do not tell me that they are not attractive breasts.

Let loose.

Hung loose.

Jim Thompson went to get more drinks and the girls started to finger and discuss the merits of each other's nipples.

Discuss the merits.

Oh, I like yours because the nipple sticks out.

You've got an innie.

What's that about?

An innie.

You can have an innie nipples, can't you?

Baby, I'm checked out.

I like the size of your areola.

I love that you've got three.

That's unusual.

I don't know why they sound like this.

Don't make us more jealous, girls, said Patrick O'Hamlin, but I've got a plane to catch.

Me too, said Ken Dewsbury.

They both got up, shook everyone's hands, and departed, with much looking over their shoulders at the lineup of tit available at the table.

I love the use of singular tit.

Yeah.

Look at all that tit.

There's such a bagload of tit here.

I love that everyone shook everyone's hands.

Everyone shook everyone's hand, but all the women are topless.

Shaking of hands.

What do you want them to do?

Shake their nipples.

No, but shaking a hand, it seems beyond that point.

Motorboat them.

James, that would not be professional.

James, it's a business meeting, you idiot.

Of course.

How they wish they both had the guts to finger those breasts.

Why is everyone fingering them?

The bar was now getting more crowded, and Belinda thought it was sensible to button up their blouses as they didn't want to get accused of being prostitutes.

I mean,

God forbid.

Talk about too late.

Des Martin and Dave Wilcox Wilcox drank up, sadly said their goodbyes, and disappeared out of the bar.

Oh my God.

None of these men care.

No, they've just left these three naked women.

These women must be like, we've given it our all.

In a public place to bear weatherspoons.

It's no life, is it?

Worst meeting.

Ah-ba.

Thanks, Donna and Giselle.

You really helped me out.

Donna?

Donna?

Oh, God.

Who the hell's Donna?

Has he mistaken Bella for Donna?

He means Bella.

He means Bella.

He's written Donna.

He's very confused.

Who the hell is Donna?

Oh, Rocky.

Rocky, babe.

Thanks, Donna and Giselle.

You really helped me make a breast of it, said Belinda, laughing.

I mean, that is the worst pun ever, isn't it?

It's the worst sentence ever.

Not only is one of the characters not in the book,

it's how like make the best of it.

Yeah.

One more drink and Jim will get us back to the office.

Jim went back to the bar, ordered the drinks and paid the tab.

The girls drank up slowly, reliving the looks on each of the regional managers' faces when they showed them their breasts.

That was interesting, Belinda, said Donna.

Oh my gosh, she's still called Donna.

That was interesting, Belinda, said Donna, slash Bella.

Any more events like that for us?

Let's wait and see, replied Belinda.

Let's wait and see.

That's the end of chapter three.

Stop it.

Very light on the sex, but I feel like we get to know her a lot better.

Do you know who I don't feel like I know, though?

Who?

Donna.

At all.

Hashtag who is Donna.

I think it's fair to say the most boring chapter yet.

Yes, it's brilliant.

I hope all of our listeners have enjoyed their sleep.

We had two very racy chapters.

You do need a break at some point.

It can't just be sex, sex, sex.

Exactly.

You need to really invest in these characters.

And if they're always getting their knickers off, you can't do that.

I guess I just wanted a meat market.

But you're right.

It's the narrative that's driving this chapter.

So, what's the next chapter called?

The next chapter is called The Maze.

Oh, well, I can hardly wait.

Yes, you must join us again next time for Blinder Blink chapter four of The Maze.

But in the meantime, feel free to download the book.

You can buy it off Amazon or Scribed or Kindle or iTunes or any of those places.

And feel free to tell your friends to skip chapter three.

Thanks for listening.

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