S1E2 - 'The Leather Room' REMASTERED

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Hi, folks. It's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff.

Jamie, why are we here? We're here because my dad's written a porno. Your dad's written a porno.
Erotic literature. Why?

Previously, on my dad wrote a porno. I don't know how I'd feel if my dad wrote porn.
I think it's a bit of fun, isn't it? For a 60-year-old man to just write about porn.

So the 60-year-old man in question is your dad. Yeah.
We will be referring to him by his pen name. His pen name is Rocky Flintstone.

Belinda blinked. It wasn't a dream.
The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her jacket and silk blouse.

Underneath, she was wearing a skimpy black thong and sexy black stockings, which she didn't apologise for.

The number of times I've felt the need to apologise, and I just haven't about my skimpy underwear.

Belinda was now feeling exposed. With only a bra and thong left, she thought total nakedness was not far away.
And then what?

And then what? Her skin?

Hi, guys. Thanks for coming back and doing chapter two with me of My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Just in case you're new to the podcast, My Dad has written a porno or an erotic novella called Belinda Blinked, and we are going to be reading it together and critiquing it as we go.

So today is chapter two.

James, thanks for coming back and doing this. I didn't scare you off from the first chapter.
Good to know. Jamie, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Alice, how are you feeling? Are you prepared?

I mean, I would miss it for many things, but it just happened that tonight was quite free.

You love it, really? really. I love it.
I love it. I spend a lot of my time talking about this book.

I am evangelical about it. From chapter one, unlike many books, I was drawn into a level of slight obsession.
And I haven't read a book since a proxy nine. To kill a mockingbird, then

that's my syllabus. That's your reading history.
This will be on the GCSE syllabus before we know it. And have you, either have you bought the book yet?

Or are you kind of waiting and experiencing each chapter as we go on this podcast? Oh, yeah, I don't want the temptation of reading it myself. Okay, good.
Yeah, reading along, baby.

I don't want to spoil it. Also, it's like $1.99, Jamie.
That's true. I know.
It's a bargain. We're not even joking.
It is available.

If you do want to literally read along like a kind of Disney sing-along, you should just Google Belinda Blinked. Just do that, and it will pop up rather like Belinda's Breasts in chapter one.

Unsurprisingly, it will be top of the Google search.

So, just to establish, last time we read chapter one, what we now know is that we have this incredible protagonist, Belinda. She's had a job interview.
She's got the sales job of her dreams.

And she's done that by basically stripping off and nodding for what seemed like an hour to an hour and a half. And blinking, obviously.
As she blinked. And having lesbian sex with a receptionist.

She did have a little fumble in the dark with Giselle. But not with Tony yet.
So I think that may be about to happen. Who knows? It was some good, old-fashioned, naked fun.
Yeah. It was very PG-13.

I wouldn't take my 13-year-old to see the film of it. I was going to say, don't ever become a father like your father.

Okay, so today we're going to read chapter two. Yes.
We're going to find out loads more about Belinda and about her life in her new job, we presume, because at the end of chapter one, she got the job.

Hopefully we're going to feel like we're going to know her a bit better after chapter two, I think. That's what we can hope for.
I mean, without further ado, should we delve into chapter two?

It's what everyone wants. Are we ready?

what's it called chapter two is called the leather room i think it's gonna be a sex room let's let's face it i mean i don't think it's just leather because it's cheap and durable i'm so excited okay so belinda blinked chapter two the leather room

three weeks later Belinda had settled into most of the administration parts of the job, but was still to get to grips with the large customer base and her new sales sales force.

It was a typical, wet, dismal Thursday afternoon at the office, and tomorrow, Friday, was her first regional sales meeting where she would discuss sales with her four regional managers. Just to chat.

Wet day weather-wise, or she's wet? Because it's Belinda, you have to ask. I like the clarification that Friday is the day after Thursday.

Do you know what? Sometimes you've got to get the basics in there. I mean, people were complaining that chapter one was light on the facts.
So, you know, we've got a lot of exposition here.

I was going to say, it's very admin-y at the top of the chapter, it doesn't go straight into it like before. Yeah, by this point last time, she was absolutely bone-naked.

The town hall clock had just chimed three when Giselle called her to Tony's office. Who checks the time by the town hall clock?

And also, she works for a major conglomerate. In what mini French town is she actually based? Belinda, check the sundial.

Afternoon, Belinda, said Tony. There's a very senior company event on Sunday at our chairman's country house, barbecue and all that.
Wear tennis gear. Very casual.
No. And I repeat, no undergarments.

The songs or a bra.

I love that he's ditched brazier from chapter one. He's like, now we're down to bra.
Also, very casual. You just said tennis gear, which to me is quite formal.
That's a very specific dress code.

But no bras. So she's going to be plunging all over the shop.

If she's actually going to be playing tennis, I fear for her eyes. Belinda looked up, now intrigued.
Tony smiled and said, You'll understand when you get there.

Sorry, I think we all understand what was going to happen when she was there. There's no ambiguity there.
Don't wear pants and a bra and dress as a tennis girl. I know what's going to happen.

I'll get Giselle to book you a room for Sunday night at the local hotel. It's called the Horse and Jockey.
Okay.

It's probably best if you check in before you get to the old man's place. Belinda nodded.
I can certainly rearrange my shopping trip to Saturday. Oh, and I'll not bother purchasing any thongs or pras

because she wears them for a day and then chucks them in the bin. She's doing a big shop.
She's off to Asda. She smiled sweetly and Tony laughed.
Good.

Go through to my leather room whilst I get Giselle. Because you just go, oh, yeah, sure.
Second on the left.

Tony opened what looked like a normal cupboard door in the corner of his office and switched on some delicate lighting. Delicate lighting? Is this like the elegant coat rack of chapter one fame?

Your dad's obsessed with like an inappropriate adjective. Yeah.

Or also items in the room when they're supposed to be like at it that he gets really distracted by. So he's like a lovely short pile carpet.
It's like, no, we want the action, Flintstone.

Furniture fetish. That's what it is.
Also, I like his

love of Bond is coming through here with the secret door.

Belinda went in and the door shut behind her.

Wow, she thought. Tony wasn't joking.
This was her first visit to this part of the offices, and the entire room, including the floor, was covered in exquisite leather tiles.

They must have cost a fortune. Leather tiles famously do.
Does every office have a leather room and I just don't know about that? It's like a prayer room at an airport.

There was no other furniture except an extremely sophisticated and expensive drinks cabinet.

Example three of the adjective. So all that there is in the room are wall-to-ceiling leather tiles and a drinks cabinet.
Yes. What does he get up to in here? She thought.
Sex, Belinda.

It's wiped clean. Belinda realised, and I have to say, I just want to point this out, realised his spelt with a Z.

Belinda realised that she might find out sooner than she bargained for. Anyway, what did it matter? She had been surprised that he hadn't come on to her since that final interview.

After all, he was a good-looking single guy and was very professional in his approach to the business. He's not professional, I'm sorry.
Tony's many things.

With his astute guidance, she had successfully installed herself as sales director and was now preparing her strategy on some major accounts, again with his help.

Belinda thought about Giselle. She was probably Tony's preferred taste in women.
Five years younger than herself at 24,

which means five years younger than herself. Belinda is 29.
Yeah, great, great. 29.
Nothing should be plunging at 29. I'm 28, I tell you.

Giselle was blonde, not dark like Belinda.

She was Tony's PA and right-hand man, foreign of Dutch nationality, and probably the successor to Tony as MD in four or five years when Tony moved up in the company hierarchy.

I've seen nothing in Giselle that would suggest that she could be MD of any company. How is a PA going to be the MD in five years?

I mean, how small is this company? Has your dad ever worked in a company structure before? Maybe he just doesn't understand. He has, yeah, he was a salesman for many years.
Oh, that is coming through.

Yeah, I think it is, isn't it? His in-depth knowledge of sales. Belinda was not interested in becoming MD, so no conflict could ever exist between her and Giselle.

Don't worry, there's no risk of that. I mean, that is a signpost right there, isn't it? What is she interested in then? Yeah, what's her ambition if she doesn't want to be MD? Oh, hang on.

The next sentence gives us a little bit more on this. Belinda was not interested in becoming MD, so no conflict could ever exist between her and Giselle.

This was probably a good thing for her longevity with the outfit. So she doesn't have ambition then.
Or at least not to become the MD.

But I would advise to Belinda to dream bigger because she's shown that she's got the chutzpah to do the job, you know? Very much.

She didn't just take a bra off, open her legs up, and a runnel of liquid trickle down her lower left thigh. I mean, that's exactly what happened.
That's exactly what happened, isn't it?

I'm thinking of a different book.

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Hi, folks, it's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

Whole Foods Market is your holiday headquarters with everything you need, whether you're a guest or hosting the big dinner, with show-stopping centerpiece means like bone-in spiral cut ham, or bone-in rib roast, or even king crab.

And if you want to take a few shortcuts, no one is looking after all, try the heat-neat sides from the prepared foods department.

Shop for everything you need at Whole Foods Market, your holiday headquarters.

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Belinda's thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and Giselle walked in. Hi, Belinda.
What do you think of his fucking leather room? And that's in

quotation marks. That should have been the title of the chapter.
Giselle, manners. And also, why does everyone walk into the room and go, oh, hi, Giselle? Oh, hi, Tony.
Oh, hi, Belinda.

Why is everyone surprised by everyone's presence? Well, she is in the leather room. Wow.
It's a surprising place to be. Belinda smiled and said, I could do with a drink.

Couldn't we? All

Giselle walked over to the drinks cabinet, poured two stiff gin and tonics, and started to stroke Belinda's tits with her long fingernails.

Oh, God.

With her long Fingernails.

Giselle's claws. How do you

talons? How do you stroke with a fingernail? Well, you scratch. Yeah.
I'm just picturing her like grotty, like nicotine-stained talons. I bet Giselle's got those like long extension.

Oh, yeah, reet tacky ones. French manicure stuff.
Anyone with those white things on top of the nails, I'm not a fan. You're such a boy.

Belinda felt herself respond and took a swift drink while she still could. What does your dad think happens when you're aroused? Oh, my throat's closed up.

Maybe you think she'll be drinking other things. God, it's your dad, Jamie.
Sorry. No, I'm sorry for you.

Unasked, she put her tongue into Giselle's mouth.

Unasked. No one ever asks for anything in this book.
Oh my god. So sorry.
Unasked, Belinda stuck her tongue in Giselle's mouth. Yeah,

that tastes good, said Giselle. No, no, she said, that tastes good

as she removed Belinda's jacket and skirt.

Belinda slipped the straps of Giselle's dress down her arms and in a swift movement removed the whole dress.

How? It's like a tablecloth. I think we remember the swift, rapid movement from chapter one with the bra.
Yes.

Belinda slipped the straps of Giselle's dress down to her arms and in a swift movement removed the whole dress. Very professional, Belinda, said Giselle.
Professional what?

Yeah, nothing about this is professional. What's the job? What is she being professional at?

said Giselle, as she again turned her attention to Belinda's tits.

Give them another good scratch. They'll be in tatters.
Ribbons. It only took Giselle a second to remove Belinda's satin blouse and push up her bra cups.
What?

Sorry, what?

To remove Belinda's satin blouse and push up her bra cups push it up. The bra's gone.
It was removed in a rapid movement.

I know Giselle's dress was removed as well.

This is the most confusing undressing. Why do we have to go item by item? Because it's sexy.
No, it's not sexy.

I've got a hard on.

Right, stop the tape. So, wait a sec.
I'm still confused. Move the bra cups up.
Say it one more time.

It only took Giselle a second to remove Belinda's satin blouse and push up her bra cups.

What do you mean?

I guess. Okay, I'm wearing one right now.
They're currently covering the boobs. Yeah.
So you push them up, they're sort of in the kind of. Squashing the boobs.

Well, no, the boobs are popped out and they're like acting as shoulder pads. Maybe she's wearing them as a choker.
But it's still attached to you. So you're now stretching them catapult style.

Yeah, so the breasts have plunged out of them from below and the bra is like hanging around your shoulder your clavicle i mean this is sexy whichever way it's not comfortable belinda's nipples started to swell in anticipation

say fever season get her some pyritin

belinda's nipples started to swell in anticipation before giselle's lips and teeth started to punish them oh god giselle she loves the boobs your dad is such a boob man he is i think yeah that's that much has been made clear to to me, Alice thinks.

That's what he always tells me. I hope Belinda's got a tuber V45 in her bag so she can give her breaths some of it.
She's going to need some tiger bomb or something, isn't she?

It took about as much time for Belinda to unhook Giselle's bra and then slip her knickers to the floor. As much time as what? I don't know.
It's a brand new paragraph. We're going so slow.

It's a brand new paragraph.

This is a new paragraph. It took about as much time for Belinda to unhook Giselle's bra and then slip her knickers to the floor.
Belinda's a magician. It's a brand new paragraph.

It's not even a sentence. She's very professional, James.
She is very professional. Giselle deftly stepped out of them and kicked her heels to the side of the room.

Can I initiate, I know we're only on chapter two, but can I initiate a drinking game here? Oh, yeah, always. Any mention of deftly?

That is a favourite, isn't it? A lot of deft actions. Any mention of rapid movements? Yeah.
Any mention of a nipple, a bra, or a breast? Alice will be drunk before chapter three.

Seriously, I think that's a little bit. And my final one is professionalism.

Yes, professionalism for sure. Can I add one? Yeah.
When someone puts an item of clothing to like the side of a room or something like that, as has just been demonstrated.

Well, she just kicked her heels to the side of the room, James. Very good.
Or chapter one where everything was hung on a coat hook in the side of the room. Yeah.
Drink.

Lie down on the floor, Belinda, and enjoy all that leather, said the now completely naked Giselle. Belinda did as she was told, as well as pulling off her bra.
Surprise, fucking surprise.

Passive Belinda did what she was told. At least the bra's not choking her anymore.
Now, stretched out on the floor with only a thong in place. Belinda was game for anything.

Besides, what else would she be doing on a wet Thursday afternoon? Oh, yeah, I mean, you know, she shouldn't be doing invoices or anything like that or the sales meetings.

What else would she be doing? Lying on a leather room floor? God forbid her job. I know, a job, buddy.
And also, stop saying it's a wet day.

Is that supposed to be like a horrible echo of what's about to occur?

Besides, what else would she be doing on a a wet Thursday afternoon, 12 hours before her first regional sales meeting? Giselle's hands soon make light work of Belinda's thong. Drink.

The two girls started to excite each other, and soon their respective vaginas were wet and steaming.

Can we talk about respective vaginas? I don't think that phrase has ever been written down, ever.

Steaming. Steaming!

Has one of them got a cold? They're going to put a tea towel over their head. Oh Oh my god, condensation down there.

You ever had a steamy vagina? Oh my goodness, it's like a geezer. They took it in turns to lick each other's clits and when Tony...

Oh God, Dad. There goes Madina.
Dad took it in turns. Took it in turns.
Clits. Respective vaginas.
After you, Belinda. May I look yours? Oh, don't ask.

They took it in turns to lick each other's clits, and when Tony entered the room, they were both ready for a bit of male interaction. He was looking for a conference room.

You know, when people are like, sorry, have you got this book? Oh, yeah, they're going to be a while.

However, Tony had other ideas and just brushed Belinda's body with his hands.

Charming.

Like you would a horse. Feeling her responsive breasts and ass, though, you know.
They must be so swollen right now. Oh my god, she's like, she's throbbing.
She'd be heaving. Oh, gross.

Oh, your dad is so gross, no offence.

His real objective was Giselle, and pretty soon he was deeply into licking her pussy.

Oh, there's nothing worse than when you're in a threesome and someone's paying attention more to one than the other. Don't.
Belinda's the ultimate third wheel. Belinda's such a belly no mate.

Oh, no, hang on. Meanwhile, Giselle was doing the same to Belinda.
So all in all, everyone was getting satisfaction. Oh, God.
That's a turn up for the books. Do you know what?

Rocky's actually thought about the audience and he's gone, people aren't gonna stand for this. Exactly.
So they're in they're in a line, like a human centrepiece.

Unless Belinda's licking Tony's asshole, I think they're in a line.

I mean, that might be the next sentence. Who knows? Wait, so

Tony's all over Giselle. Giselle can't get enough of Belinda.
Belinda's just having a good time. She's reading, like, Take a Break.
Yeah.

After about 15 minutes of this intense activity, oh my god, of just licking someone out. Wow.
In tandem.

Belinda excused herself.

Sorry.

Sorry, that really took me by surprise. Excuse me.
I will. I'll put my apologies in now.
I've got some stuff checked in at the dry cleaners. They close early on a Thursday.
It's been lovely.

Bye. The bell's just tolled five.

Oh, God. I've had such a nice time.

I must run. I've got Corrie on record.
What do you mean, excused herself?

Hi, folks. It's Mark Bittman from the podcast Food with Mark Bittman.

Whole Foods Market is your holiday headquarters with everything you need, whether you're a guest or hosting the big dinner with show-stopping centerpiece means like bone-in spiral cut ham or bone-in rib roast or even king crab.

And if you want to take a few shortcuts, no one is looking after all, try the heat-neat sides from the prepared foods department.

Shop for everything you need at Whole Foods Market, your holiday headquarters.

Hey,

One of the perks about having four kids that you know about is actually getting a direct line to the big man up north.

And this year, he wants you to know the best gift that you can give someone is the gift of Mint Mobile's unlimited wireless for $15 a month. Now, you don't even need to wrap it.

Give it a try at mintmobile.com/slash switch. Upfront payment of $45 for a three-month plan equivalent to $15 per month required.
New customer offer for first three months only.

Speed slow after 35 gigabytes if network's busy. Taxes and fees extra.
See Mintmobile.com.

After about 50 minutes of this intense activity, Belinda excused herself, gathered together her discarded clothes, and let herself out of the leather room. Oh, right, just like that.

That's it, she's gone. Bye.
Thanks so much for the pussy action. I'll be on my way.
Thanks for the memories, Belinda. She's got that far and she just left.
Do you think Giselle's offended?

Well, Giselle and Tony stayed on for an extra session, which Giselle would no doubt enlighten Belinda about at Friday lunch. Oh, that's put me right off my sushi.

So do we think that Giselle and Tony are in some sort of relationship? It seems that way, doesn't it? It's not, you know. If they are, then Belinda is nay taking the hint.

Yeah. Oh, Belinda, what are you doing in here? Belinda's rolling around on the leather tiles.
Maybe that's why she left. She thought, oh, God.

I think there was a point before that that she could have stepped out.

Well, to be fair, Tony walked in on those two. To be fair.
While starting to dress in Tony's office, the main receptionist, Bella, walked in and caught Belinda naked, adjusting her thong.

Ding, ding, ding! New character. Oh, Bella.

Here, let me do that for you, said Bella. Oh, for God's sake.
I know how important it is to achieve a straight line with a thong. Look at mine.
Not.

Can I just say, as boys in the room and the only girl here, hello, girls don't talk like this. Girls don't talk about the importance of a straight thong.

And girls definitely don't show each other the straightness of their thong. Unless you've got like a bent ass crack, it's going to be pretty straight.
There's a line to follow.

How is she getting it wrong?

Bella hitched up her dress and revealed an even more skimpy thong than Belinda was wearing. Belinda stroked Bella's ass in appreciation and thought the obvious.
Not another one. Thank you.
Thank you.

I'm with Belinda. Belinda was finally thinking and talking sense.
Where are they hiring these people from? Belinda thought the obvious. Not another one.
What is this office running on?

High-powered sexual adrenaline? It's not a thing.

Bella turned around and caressed Belinda's substantial tits, which were still suffering from Giselle's attentions. I was going to say, I bet they are.
She hasn't put the ointment on you. Attentions?

Well, the scratching and the sucking and the biting. And they were swollen already in anticipation.

Belinda responded by putting a hand between Bella's legs, pushing Bella's thong to one side so she could finger her clit. Oh my god.
It's two clit mentions. A, she just got that thong straight.

And B, I love that she's just like, the way I respond to that is: hand up the skirt and wriggle around.

Bella groaned and started kissing Belinda's mouth. Groaned like, oh.

I've heard about you, Belinda. Help me dress, gasped Belinda, not wanting to be discovered by Tony and Giselle exiting the leather room, which Bella had probably no idea existed.
I think she does.

Bella took the hint and calmed down, taking inordinate pleasure in placing Belinda's brain stockings onto her smooth body. Let's do this again and in private, said Belinda.
What? Dress you?

Bella nodded while straightening Belinda's thong for the last time.

It's not a tie! and picked up the correspondence she'd gone to Tony's office to collect for the last post. Well, thank God something happened today.
I'll hold you to that, Belinda, said Bella.

My place, next Friday evening. Say nine p.m.
She's got a bit Ray Winston. I'll hold you to that.

It's a date, Belinda replied, wondering how she'd have the sexual strength to get through the next week. But instinctively, she knew if sex was made available, then she'd take it all in good stead.

What on earth does that mean? Belinda went to her office and picked up her briefcase. Belinda's got a briefcase.
Filled with what? Thongs. Probably.

On the desk was an agenda with client attendance details of the Sunday bash at the chairman's house.

It would make interesting reading that night when she got to her apartment, as well as the final preparations for her regional sales manager meeting in the morning. God, it's got very dull again.

I mean, no offense to Rocky. Is this Rocky's sales background, maybe? Yeah, and also we are winding down to the end of the chapter.
This is like the penultimate center.

But lest we forget how the last chapter ended. On a high.
Outside in the car park, Belinda jumped into her two-week-old Mercedes coop. And started to gently masturbate.

Oh, no, it's just, it's not that. Swish and expensive.
Belinda so loved this part of the job. What? Going home? It's the travel perks.
It's the travel job.

Drink. Are we drinking for travel perks? Always.
Might as well. Swish it expensive.
Belinda so loved this part of the job.

She gunned the engine and drove the 20 minutes to her new central London apartment. From where? Now it's in London.
It is in London. What town hall clock are they by?

Central London apartment. And that is the end of chapter two.
That's not the end. It is.

How are your nipples, James? Swollen and sore.

Jumped a clue. Can you start scratching?

Okay, so what have we learned? Bella.

New character. I think she'll come into her own next chapter.
Yeah. Belinda, she's 29.
She's living in London.

Giselle and Tony are in some sort of relationship.

I don't think they're in a relationship as much as they just have an understanding.

All right. You sound a bit like Rocky.
Well, I am related.

I don't know who've heard Alice, but I am his son. Like father, like son.
Oh, no, I hope not. I really

sexual fantasies. I cannot wait to see what happens at the tennis party.
I know. I think there'll be sex.
I mean, I'm just putting it out there.

Well, if you're not going to wear a thong or a bra, things will happen. Tennis whites and no underwear.
Only one thing can happen.

I presume very little tennis. It's not Wimbledon, no.
Unless it's tonsil tennis. Rocky would probably use the phrase tonsil tennis.
So, Jamie, how are you feeling now? Chapter two.

You've read a bit more of your dad's literature. Yeah.

I don't know whether I'm just getting more used to the concept that it's out in the world or... It isn't as kind of shocking.

Well, I think chapter two kind of, you know, we had the big opening, so to speak, in chapter one.

Yeah, chapter two didn't go to like crazy lengths of sexual exploits. Like, you know, it's not really

that disturbing, is it?

I don't know if I was looking for disturbing from your dad's first novel. Yeah, disturbing isn't top of my list when I can look for erotic literature.

But when I do talk to people about it, you know, their first reaction is, oh my god, your dad's writing porn.

And they, and I think people expect it to be quite scarring, but I'm not going to need counselling just yet. That's nice because I think it's fair to say I am scarred and so are you, James.

So it's nice that one person at the table is okay with this. I'm going straight for a shower after this.
I don't know about anyone else. You can't join me, Helena.

If you want to get in touch with us, you can either tweet us. We have a Twitter.
It's at DadRotaporno.

You can email us, mydadrotaporno at gmail.com, or we have a Facebook page. If you want to add Belinda as a friend, which I wouldn't recommend.
She's quite quiet so far. My dad wrote a porno.

There is a page, believe it or not. And do get in touch and let us know what you think because dad is currently writing books two, three, four, five, six, et cetera.

So I'm sure any feedback would be a muse to his.

continued writing james so what have we got to look forward to next time what's chapter three called okay next episode we're going to do chapter three which is called the regional sales meeting no sorry what have we got to look forward to

it is quite a bland title of a chapter, isn't it?

There you go.

Come back for that. I bet you can't wait, everybody.
But yeah, thanks for listening and do come back next week because we will be tackling chapter three.

I'll try and be there, but I have got to do a big shop. So we'll change it to Saturday, James.
It's the day after Friday.

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