Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 8: All Will Be Well!

This is a head gum podcast.

Welcome to Trinivale.

Trinavalevale.

And also,

Barrovia.

Wow, it's like my own private choir.

Every boy's dream.

Every boy's dream.

That's right.

Every little boy just dreams of having a holy choir following them around and exalting their decisions.

Yeah.

You know what else is every little boy's dream?

Playing D and D with their friends.

Folks, let's get right into it with episode eight of Trinivale Extra.

Hell yeah.

I am, as always, your Dracula uncle, aka Drunkle, Caldwell Tanner, and I'm joined by my pugnacious players, Brian Murphy.

Busting in my jeans from my wet dreams.

Jens Linda.

That one's evergreen.

Yeah, I'll use that.

I'm going to use that every week from now on.

I don't have to think of new ones.

It's awesome.

Busting in my jeans.

Oh, that's good.

Good.

Save that.

All right.

Next up, Emily Axford.

Boy mom no more.

Grills grill to Ercor.

Ooh.

Onyx Lumiere.

Hell yeah.

Careful.

You might get burned.

And of course, Jake Hurwitz.

Ready to make a meal with my bro and a Grill's Grill.

I have the rant of floor.

Shit, it's catching on.

All right, so before you guys get to bedazzling more shirts, how about a quick recap?

Okay, let's wait for it.

When last we met, our three heroes had just received their reward for successfully planning the burgamaster's funeral, a decorative silver sunburst.

Inside the sunburst, they found two things, a small vial of garlic-scented herbs and spices, and the journal of Marina's adopted mother, Alana Petrovna, Olmis Scholar of the Tome.

After Marina broke the illusory script spell encoding the notes, you read Alana's first entry, which revealed that she had escaped from a place called Beres and was now seeking a way to reverse the curse of vampirism.

Marina then suggested you find a more private location before eating the rest, and so you three headed towards the undercroft of the church, aka Donovich's sex dungeon.

On the way you chatted with the wine ravens who revealed that their little brother Erwin resides in Velaki, the town next to Markovia Abbey.

Due to Strahd's spies, the sisters haven't been able to contact him lately and gave you each a feather as well as the code Jinn's Rules Kinda to prove that you can be trusted.

Okay, everyone, say it's the code so we don't forget it.

Jin's Rules.

Kinda.

Kinda.

Very important to remember to feel like it's fine to just say most of it.

The wine ravens I'll stab you.

You then made your way to the Undercroft, which also serves as Donovich's holy nipple art studio, and continued reading the journal.

The following entries revealed that Alana had been attempting to use garlic to create a vampire cure, but thus far had only succeeded in making a sacred powder that is a fusion of holy water and protection from good and evil spells.

To strengthen the mixture, she was planning to head to the Abbey of St.

Markovia to meet with the abbot, who is known for his ability to perform miracles.

A final, hastily scrawled entry revealed that Alana had completed part of her mission and that the seeds had been planted, but in doing so, she now feared Strahd's forces were pursuing her.

After the reading, you retired to the mansion and had another round of strange dreams.

Nayak dreamt of expanding the spudfucker's empire.

Jinns dreamed of an oddly erotic strahd made entirely of mashed potatoes.

And Onix initially dreamed of marrying a monkey and becoming a strad wife.

Sure.

It's dreams, you know?

Checks out.

Checks out.

I just started a dream journal recently and it's weird.

It's all those cherries that Onyx is eating.

But then, midway through her dream, it was hijacked by Babala Saga, the self-professed true mother of Strahd and leader of his witch's coven.

She warned Onyx not to meddle with Strahd's affairs and attempted to sap your life energy, but was thwarted by the dose of herbs and spices you had ingested earlier, as well as by the arrival of Onix's new patron, Ariana Darkov.

Speaking through the Eladron doll Onyx purchased, Ariana revealed that she was the CEO of Glome Co., a tech company in the Fae Wild and also the inventor of the Speaking Stone.

She beseeched Onyx to restore the megalith desecrated by Lasaga and her witches and promised that if they did, she would lend them some of the power they needed to defeat Strahd.

The next morning you all awoke feeling restless yet reinvigorated and loaded up Fitbit the Mule with the majority of you and Ismark's belongings.

You, three, and Marina then headed out of the gates of Barovia and once more into the mists.

After walking a short time, you encountered a crumbling keep, which covered the path in loose rocks and tall grass.

Amidst this grass, Onyx and Nayak discovered two hunting traps with their legs by stepping on them.

Right.

Yeah, I was gonna say, discovered in quotations.

As Jinz and Marina attempted to open the traps, a trapper appeared from behind a nearby boulder.

Wasting no time, he transformed into a werewolf, then bounded towards the party, preparing to attack.

And that

is where we are now.

So, again, you are in this crumbling keep.

There is debris everywhere, tall grass.

The Svalich Road continues a little past, but two of your friends, Onyx and Nayak, are trapped in these hunting traps, and you see this huge werewolf lumbering towards you.

His pink gums flare and his teeth shine as his snout curls into a wicked canine smile.

Everybody, roll initiative.

You better be careful.

We have a dog of our own.

I always knew I would die this way.

What the fuck is that thing?

Is that what dogs are?

Wait, Onyx, clarify.

Carry me at sea.

You thought you'd be in a trap and then be eaten by a werewolf?

14.

11 for Nyack.

14 for Onyx.

This werewolf isn't fast or anything, is he?

I say as he...

bounds towards me.

You hear drums somewhere playing as he just like scrambles towards you you like he's missing frames in an animation.

Good boy.

And you do see that it is the werewolf's turn first.

God damn it.

So Onyx and Nayak are in these hunting traps.

I raise my hand with like my palm flips.

Like I'm going to let the werewolf smell me.

I go Limp.

Here we are.

I go Lint preparing myself for the death I always knew.

Everything everyone's doing is wrong.

Oh, come on.

Give us a challenge.

I'll say, have a sniff, bud.

One through three, he'll go for Nyack.

Four through six, he'll go for Onyx.

Oh, no.

That is a one.

He's going to go for Nyack.

Yeah.

Sorry, buddy.

He sees your hand and it transforms into a turkey leg in his brain.

He must smell my dog.

Okay, so what he's going to do, actually, Nyack, so you are restrained because you're in this hunting trap.

He is going to try and grapple you.

Okay.

And he's going to roll this with advantage.

Niack, he got a 19.

Okay.

Ooh, dirty 20.

Oh, woo!

So he runs forward, his claws outstretched, getting ready to just grab onto you for some nefarious purpose.

How do you dodge this?

I think I just fully absorb it.

You go limp.

Yeah.

I take his body with me and we fall over together.

Everyone stop going limp.

Whoa!

Yeah, he's like prepared to tackle you, but you go limp and you just, he kind of, it's kind of like jumping through an inflatable tube, man.

He just like crashes through and lands in a bush.

Are we friends?

He does get two attacks, so he's gonna try again here.

Oh dear.

Fuck.

But that is a 13.

Okay.

That's a nat one, so that'll probably do it.

Okay,

so this werewolf has you grappled, but he's used his full action.

Got you right where I want you.

But that is his turn.

Uh-oh.

Okay.

Guys, he's holding on to me really tight.

Okay, yeah.

I don't know everything about werewolves.

Oh, but this seems bad.

Oh, no.

Maybe this is an ally.

Yeah.

I don't want a metagame or anything, but I feel like Nayak's in trouble.

I'm not hugging him if that's what you're wondering.

Yeah, I know, we know.

And I will say, so on this werewolf's turn, another thing happens.

Jins, you got an 18 on your perception before.

Certainly don't remember that.

This was last session when we were looking for traps.

So as this werewolf starts to attack, you see rising up from the nearby shrubbery two more werewolves.

They were attempting to do a sneak attack, but you were able to spot them.

You're welcome to tell everyone else about this.

More dog vampires, more werewolves.

God damn it.

Oh, no!

Me, Bogan, me been spotted.

I don't know why he talks like that.

He thinks he's a caveman or something.

You guys are cartoon characters.

Booga, Booga, Bogan.

That one's eating a giant sandwich.

Fucking just go get them, Bogan.

I don't know what you're doing.

So they are also going to attack.

Let's see.

So the main leader, werewolf, Pioter, has Nayak already.

So I'm going to say Bogan is going to try and grapple Onyx.

Okay.

Onyx, fight, please.

That's a 19.

I'm not taking any of you on walks if you become werewolves.

Let's make that clear.

I have a plus zero too.

I'm too young for a werewolf.

Oh my god.

I can't be held down.

I travel too much.

That is also a natural.

God damn it.

Fucking hell.

I travel too much for a werewolf.

I don't have enough outdoor space.

Last thing I need is two bonded werewolves.

So you see Bogan comes up close, grabs onto you as well.

And then strangely, he reaches out a clawed hand.

Seems tempted to just like chomp down on you with the second attack.

But you see that the other werewolves says, Bogan, remember, orders are orders.

And he says,

but Bogan hungry.

Bogan wants a bona.

But Bogan is going to try and grab some of your hair.

This is going to be a sleight of hand.

The fuck?

These dogs are freaks.

What are you freaks doing?

We knew you were dogs, but we didn't know you were hounds.

Yeah.

No, you get the wrong idea.

We're just following orders here.

Okay, now.

You ain't nothing but a hound dog.

I understand.

So you're going to need to make an acrobatics or athletics contested role against this.

This is going to be a sleight of hand from Bogan.

I am doing acrobatics.

A werewolf tackling you and then ripping a bunch of your hair out is so much more terrifying than getting you.

One and two.

Nice.

There you go.

That's just an 18.

Woo!

I'm like a stray cat who's like, not today

to one of the toms.

Yeah, he tries to grab your hair, but you just kind of like melt away.

I also go so limp that I shrug him off.

The strategy is only going to work once, right?

She's heavy.

We're just ragdolling.

Okay, so that leaves the final werewolf, Grylsha.

Grysha is going to try and play defense here.

So I think she's going to go after Jins.

Yeah.

Actually, she's going to make a perception check against you and Marina.

Okay, that's a 23.

Jinz, she looks at you and she looks at Marina, who is kind of like nervously holding her sword.

She kind of sniffs the air, grimaces, and then launches towards you.

Okay, let's make this quick.

Ha, you've heard of my heroics yesterday.

But I'm going to say Keychain is up in the mix.

Keychain is going to use this deflect attack.

Thank you.

First attack here, so it's going to have disadvantage.

Good dog.

There's only room for one dog here.

11 misses.

Misses.

Second attack, this is without disadvantage.

Yeah.

17.

Ah, just hits.

Just hits.

All right.

So she swipes you with her claws.

Whoop.

Okay.

Finally.

You can take eight damage from the werewolf swipe.

Which part of your clothes does this ruin?

This ruins Ismark's clothes because I'm wearing Ismark's fancy clothes, which are my regular traveling clothes.

When did you change clothes?

I said I brought all of Ismark's clothes.

I have whole drawers of his clothes on top of Fitbit.

So you wore it.

Ismark, the nicest thing Ismark would ever wear is what I wear on a shitty shitty travel day.

This is my bedtime t-shirt.

Yeah, that's his sweatsuit.

Yeah.

It's embroidered.

It's got a little like, yeah, lacy eye on it.

It's like a frilly shirt, yeah.

And it is absolutely ruined and in tatters now after this werewolf slashes into you.

I only have 12 more of these.

That is going to bring us to Jinz's turn in the order.

Jinz, go ahead and give me another

perception check Or survival check.

Was there more shit?

What more shit do we need here?

Let's see.

Perception measly 12.

Go ahead and give me another dexterity save.

Wait, I didn't move yet.

Oh, you didn't move yet?

No.

Okay.

Got shit.

Okay.

But I'm guessing there's traps everywhere.

Okay.

You can stand in place if you want.

I mean, I got a werewolf right in front of me.

I presume I'll fight him.

That is true.

Yeah, you don't.

Actually, that is a very good point.

Good clarification.

You are right next to this werewolf.

You don't need to move to attack.

Okay, I'm going to, first things first, defensive flourish.

So I'll take a strike with my one sword, and that's a 27 to hit.

That's really good.

Yeah, I rolled a 19.

That's quite good.

And then I'll roll my second attack just to get it.

My offhand attack.

Shout out to the two crew.

But that's a 10.

Any chance hitting a werewolf?

Oof.

Just misses, honestly.

Okay, damn.

11 damage, and then I add four to my AC.

So my AC is 21 now.

Nice.

Amazing.

You get your swords out and you fight back.

You slash into her.

You also mess up her shirt in the same way that she messed up yours.

See how you like it.

Tit for tatter.

Yeah.

Mess up your Ismark's clothes.

Ah!

What the fuck?

This shirt was already messed up because, you know, when I turn into a werewolf, it gets fucked up.

You go through a lot.

But like, I have to sew this up so much.

I only have one shirt.

Yeah, you really need to get some stretch fibers and whatnot.

What is that?

I don't know, like the stretchy jeans.

You never had in a pair of those or something.

Did you just recommend

jegging?

Yeah.

Wait, these guys have stretchy clothing that doesn't break when you grow.

We have to kill them.

You see the main werewolf says, No, no, no, that's not the order.

We're not going to kill them.

We have different orders, okay?

We can take their stuff, but you can't kill them.

Who gave you these orders?

Wouldn't you like to know?

I demand you tell me.

Ooh.

Onyx looks really scared.

I say from a grapple.

You can't move.

Yeah, give me an intimidation check with disadvantage.

Wow.

That is a nat 20 and a 15,

which I take one away from.

So that's a 14.

Wow.

For a moment, I think like your hackles lift.

Like you literally, somehow your like slicked back hair starts to rise up like the back of a dog's neck.

And like your eyes flare in the moonlight and these wolves like cower for a second and then you let out like a little toot and then they laugh at you.

I thought that was SBD

while he's talking.

It's hard.

That's what I thought pup.

Keep quiet.

All right and that is Jin's turn.

That's gonna bring us to Onyx.

First things first I'm going to take the USB trident and put it into Utu's mouth.

Okay.

Ooh.

She's docking it.

Do you want to swallow this or keep it under my tongue?

Under your tongue.

Okay, kind of like a Zen pack.

Cool.

No one swallow anything.

You know what?

I'm my own man now.

So just tell me what to do and I'll do it and we'll get this done.

We're just gonna absolutely freaking be operators.

Yes, this is exactly the mentality.

Okay, so I think that Nyak is not going to be able to attack his werewolf because of being the proximity.

Oh, with the arrows.

With a bow.

So, Bluetooth, go after Nyak's werewolf.

Okay.

So he's going to go attack him.

Over and and out.

Wow, cool new thing to say.

He got a 22 to hit.

Woo, that hits.

Okay.

Yeah.

Bluetooth does five piercing damage and six poison damage.

So 11 damage total unless it has resistances to poison.

11 damage total.

Awesome.

Bluetooth, his idea of like growing up is just turning into a Call of Duty guy.

So yeah, he's like, does a lot of tactical roles.

He's becoming so mature.

mature.

Yeah.

Maybe I was holding him back.

I was over-muzzering him.

Certainly, yeah.

I don't know that he's doing good now, but executing, but he's all grown up.

And then Onix on Erturn is going to use a new spell called Worms Repast.

Whoa.

Oh, yeah.

But I think instead of worms, because I'm a phone, it's like Matrix Worms.

Ooh.

Okay.

I'm going to look at the werewolf that is currently grappling Nyak, and he has to make a constitution-saving throw.

You're gonna give him brain worms?

I'm gonna try.

It's a 19.

Okay, so passes.

Uh, 16 half to eight.

Eight more piercing damage.

Ow!

Oh no, she gave me worms!

A wolf's greatest enemy!

And then

I don't think I have any bonus action, so I'm gonna continue to go limp.

That was a great turn.

Piota is still looking sturdy, but you do see that Grylsha, the one that's grappling Jins, you know, there is blood pouring out from under her very ripped shirt.

Okay.

And that brings us to Nyak.

All right, so from just like lying like I'm planking on the ground, I wriggle my arms out and I'm going to fire the black wing bow at Grysa.

What are you doing down there?

Before I do, Black Shadow is gonna surround me.

I'm gonna cast Zephyr Strike as a bonus action.

Fucking sick.

To give me advantage and do an extra D8.

That's a 24 to hit.

That absolutely hits.

Okay.

And I'll use my dread ambusher ability to shoot again.

That's a 19.

Hits.

And I'm going to use the acid damage ability that you said I could add to this bow twice a day on a hit.

So those two hits.

Nice.

Going to add that up.

36 damage.

Whoa!

Yeah, dude.

Gloomstalker's sick.

Yeah.

Gloomstalker is good.

So you fire one arrow at Grysha.

Her shirt just like

disintegrates with this acid.

She falls to the ground, fully dead.

Woo!

That was such a powerful hit that I will let you cleave with your next arrow onto Bogan, who is grappling Onyx, but I think is far enough away from you.

Okay, sick.

So that second attack, that arrow was 17 damage.

17 damage?

All right, awesome.

Yeah, you fire this acidic arrow into Bogan and absolutely penetrate him as well.

Bogan sting!

Ah, Ah!

Ooga Booga!

Sorry, Piyoter.

I'm actually killing your friends.

I knew I should have brought stronger wolves with me tonight.

Oh, so you don't respect them?

Not really, no.

They're pretty low in the order.

Got it.

I myself am more of like a beta or a gamma.

I'm far from the alpha.

Really?

But these are like straight-up omegas.

While we're talking, would you let go of me?

Sorry, pal.

No can do.

Okey-doky.

You do see that Bogan looks fucked up after this like massive arrow.

You like really got him in a vital, and then the acid is kind of just like singing into his blood.

So well done, Nayak.

Amazing turn.

Hell yeah.

On Marina's turn, she kind of like breathes in deeply, kind of recites a chant to herself, and then pulls out her sword.

You see that is this like silvered rapier, and it glimmers in the moonlight.

And as soon as all the werewolves see it, they kind of recoil.

And she says,

I'm still not quite confident in using this.

Jinns, do do you want to swap?

You seem.

Okay, yes.

Yeah.

It swapsies.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

I'll give you my best one.

And I hand her my offhand one.

That's a toothpick.

Shut up.

Whoa, uneven trade alert.

Shut the fuck up, everyone.

That's my best sword.

Ah, shit.

I got that one from the last adventure.

It's like a used toothpick.

Shut up.

It says sword B.

Does that mean sword best?

She hasn't thrown it to me yet.

Cool.

So she's going to toss you her silvered rapier.

Oh, yeah.

You see, Piyotar is like, no!

Oh!

Oh!

Everybody be careful!

And then she is going to attack with your sword.

Still a plus one sword.

Still a plus one sword.

Pretty nice.

And she's gonna go after Bogan, who is looking really hurt.

That's just a six to hit.

She misses, unfortunately.

Ah, I still have much work to do.

She like instantly drops to a knee and like holds her sword out in front of you.

Jens, train me, please.

I beg you.

For fee.

For a fee.

I'll bet you.

Sure.

I take the sword.

jens is actually an accredited life coach true really yeah wow yeah i think i did that yeah he can do private one-on-ones but you have to buy a block yeah i quickly um silent image a bunch of reviews

from Jence

coaching.

You're much more capable than you look, and I would like for you to teach me.

What does that mean, right?

I think she negged you.

Yeah, that was a backhanded compliment.

All right, yes.

Look, for a mere 10 gold a day, you're going to get a morning Zoom session.

We're going to come up with a life plan for you.

Only 10 gold, you know?

Only 10 gold a day.

Well,

10 gold gets you access to the library of pre-recorded content.

Yeah, if you want the Zoom morning call, that's going to cost you a bit more.

We'll talk more about that later.

That's enough charge.

Great.

That all sounds very reasonable.

So that is Marina's turn.

This is going to bring us to Keychain.

Keychain perks up.

His ears kind of lift.

He looks around, kind of sensing danger, and says, Does anyone need a potion?

Or should I attack?

Attack.

Okay.

Attack.

Why don't you set off the traps between me and Bogan if you don't mind?

What?

If there's just any traps near me and you want to set them off, it'll be fine.

Sniff out the traps.

Sniff out the little dog.

Yeah.

Sniff them out, get caught in them.

What's the difference?

Okay, so.

Yeah, he's going to.

You see his

nose sonar activates.

Boing, boing, boing.

And he is going to try and locate one of the traps.

Cool.

We got a 13, which is not quite enough.

I cannot find any traps, he says, kind of like plodding through the tall grass.

But I do have three potions ready to go.

I have a healing, I have a fly potion, and I have swiftness.

So if you require one, let me know.

Flying?

Flying would be rad in this situation.

Flying sounds cool.

Flying sounds rad.

Oh, you could cast flying on Fitbit and we could fly away like Santa Claus.

That's so fun.

We could be the Santa Claus.

Let's just leave Strad and we become Santa Claus.

I think Perovia just needs Christmas.

You're right.

What is Christmas?

That is a strange hunter.

Yes.

Oh my god.

We'll save it for the special.

Okay, so that's Keychain's turn.

You see him kind of like sniffing around the grass, but he has these potions ready to go.

That brings us back to the werewolves.

Bogan is looking very hurt.

I'm going to have Bogan roll a wisdom save here.

If they get below a 10, they might act out of their prescribed orders.

That is a gnat one.

Bogan starts foaming at the mouth.

Hurt me.

Why do you hurt me?

Oh, fuck.

Niak, he is going to disengage with Onyx.

You are ungrappled.

He is going to rush over to you and he is going to take a swipe and a bite attack.

Oh, no.

What?

What is so delicious about Nyak?

Me?

I'm 0% body fat.

0%.

I feel insulted.

You see he's still got this poisoned arrow that you shot into him hanging out.

Ah, the revenge.

Right.

You see his eyes kind of glaze over with this animalistic instinct, and he is going to try and swipe you and then bite at you.

Okay.

Here comes the swipe.

A tin is going to miss.

Yes, that misses.

I wish that was the bite.

Uh-huh.

Here comes the bite.

That's a tin as well.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, cool your jets Bogan bad disappointers.

Why are you so limp?

You're not listening to the alpha Bogan get yourself together.

What are you doing?

Nothing for the lips to grip.

There's no body fat here.

So that's Bogan's turn.

Pioter, he's gonna keep grappling you, and he is going to use his turn to try and once again pull your hair.

What is with the hair spells?

Can you not?

What is the alpha?

What is the skin?

I think they want the hair to cast spells.

There's a lot of gel in here.

It's so slippery.

Let's see.

Sleight of hand.

Sleight of handing someone's hair out of their head is so funny.

That's just a seven on the first attempt.

Wow.

Just pawing your head.

What is that going against?

That's against athletics or acrobatics as you try to quickly move your head.

Okay, that's a 10.

Second one is only a five.

So

make one more attempt.

Wow.

What is going on?

This has been a huge mood boost after losing the shrine everyone just abandoned me and tried to give

nayak a hair do what the fuck is going on with his hair it's all it's this carson daly chris caraba do everyone is going crazy for it i know you want the front flip i know you want the faux

you can't touch this it's your hair ghost what's happening here niak is bobbing his head but his hair is not moving it's a perfect point he was going for like a like an emo thing but now he's talking about carson daly I'm confused.

Carson Daly had an emo turn.

You see Piotr keeps trying to grab your hair, but it just looks like he's just kind of caressing it gently.

The Bohawk is such a fine point.

It's hard to grab a hold of.

He is just moving it to the front wave, behind his front wave.

That's the Carson Daly.

I made it look better.

Dang it.

It looks so good.

Well, fuck.

So that is Piotr's wasted turn.

Restyling your hair.

Jesus Christ.

Jins, that brings it to you.

Great.

I look for traps.

Okay.

15.

15.

Yes.

With a 15, you spot one more trap.

Okay.

I avoid the trap.

Great.

And then I guess I'll start with our hurt dude here, Bogan.

Great.

What'd you do to Bogan?

Shut up.

I try to stab him in the throat as he says that.

Me, Bogan, me, fan favorite.

Okay, 19 to hit.

19 hits.

Great.

I'll make that a defensive flourish.

Zick.

16 damage.

Jins.

Finish Bogan.

Great.

As soon as he says fan favorite, the sword is just through his mouth and to the other side.

Choked on towards favorite.

I do jump the shark, Bogan.

I purposely don't damage his tunic so that I could throw it on over my Ismark clothes.

That's a nice workout outfit.

So Bogan slumps to the ground.

That means that only Piotr is up.

Onyx and Nayak, you're still in these hunting traps, but you've only got one werewolf to deal with.

Oh my god, you guys are in the fucking traps.

Okay, I look at Nyak.

I see Piotr is still trying to eat him.

He's in a trap.

He's obsessed with my hairdo.

Yeah.

How do you get it so feathery?

It's a lot of moose.

Quit touching it.

I give Nyak bardic inspiration by saying, you should actually get rid of the faux hawk and keep doing the front wave.

It looks really good, Nyack.

Really?

Okay.

Nyak flattening the back of his head.

It's the swoop.

It's the curse.

It's the swoop in the front.

You look like you could model for Aeropastal.

Nyak's eyes start watering.

Do you mean that?

I do.

So I'll give a bardic inspiration to Nyak.

Sick.

And that's my bonus action.

Awesome.

Great turn.

Onyx, that brings us back to you.

Okay.

Bluetooth go after Zee, only one standing.

Shout out to the two crew.

He misses, but then I'm going to deliver a touch spell through Bluetooth.

Ooh, haha, Roger that.

Damn it.

I'm going to cast Endo Leech.

Endole Leech.

Preparing the payload.

Does a 21 hit?

Ooh, baby.

21 absolutely hits.

He's gone from Roblox Tween to Call of Duty Teen.

He grew up so fast.

24 damage.

Woo!

Pyotr can't take reactions until the end of his next turn.

And also, until the end of his next turn, his speed is reduced by 15.

Nice.

And my speed is increased by 15.

That's great.

He's trying to grab hair and run, this fucking freak.

As soon as Bluetooth delivers this spell, frost starts to form on this werewolf's fur.

Like tiny little icicles drip from his nose, and he's kind of frozen in place a little bit.

This is a harder job than I thought.

What was this job?

A smash and grab hair?

You fucking freak?

It's below your pay grade, okay?

I...

I mean...

Have you heard how much my Zoom meetings go for?

I'll have to compare and contrast with my life coach, who's also paying me for this job.

Yeah, the alpha would have would be a life coach, huh?

You know, I have a mentor, and she never calls herself my life coach.

That's what's wrong.

You need an alpha, and you need an alpha on top of your alpha.

I think that it speaks to her integrity.

But then who are you taking orders from?

How do you know what to do?

Where are the alphas?

I ask myself.

And I ask Jens.

Yeah.

Video diary of a busy bard.

I wake up at 2 a.m.

I dip my face in LaCroix.

I go for a nine-mile run.

I do my side businesses on my computer and answer emails.

4 a.m.

to 6 a.m., I get another quick nap in.

7 to 8, I hit chest.

9 to 10, I hit back.

10 to 12, I answer emails for two full hours.

And then I sleep for 14 hours.

Is everyone emailing you about

the book, okay?

Responding to spam.

My polonics aside, everyone at these videos spends hours responding to emails.

I just feel like I don't get enough emails that I could spend so much time.

Am I supposed to be responding to spam?

You have to reply to spam.

You have to get yourself on listservs.

I just have to say thank you, but no thank you.

Is this what it truly means to be an alpha?

I've got a lot to learn.

Maybe I'll get promoted after I bring back this hair.

So that is going to be Nyak's turn.

Can I do like non-lethal damage to him so we can grill him?

A classic grills grill?

Yeah.

So I can grill grill him about who sent him.

Yeah, absolutely.

That sounds great.

Oh, but I am still grappled by him, so I'm going to have to shoot this bow with disadvantage.

Yes.

But I'll cast Zephyr Strike so I can cancel that out.

So I'll just roll this flat.

And you have the inspiration, too.

Okay, six.

So that's 20.

That's 25 to hit.

Just point blank shoot him with a fucking arrow.

Yeah, you just flop over on the ground and pull out your arrow.

It was actually easy to hit you because you're really, really close to me.

You're the perfect distance away.

Three.

He still got full extension on that.

Great.

Yeah, that absolutely hits.

19 damage.

Nyak.

Finish this werewolf.

Whoa.

Okay, but I want to do not in lethal, so can I take him to one HP?

God, how could you?

I'll never tell.

I'll never tell.

You see him saying that, and then you kind of just stand up and push the arrow a little slower into his chest.

Okay, fine, fine.

Shit, fuck.

I'll tell you what he did.

Who is your alpha?

You're clearly not an alpha.

Wait, we also don't want- We don't want you to run away.

I shove him in the other trap.

Which alpha do you want to know about?

Oh!

Oh!

There's two?

There's several alphas?

There's the alpha, and then there's the ultimate alpha.

Okay.

My pack alpha is Kiro Stujanovich, but the ultimate alpha.

If I said his name, I think he'd kill me on the spot.

Okay, but we might kill you on this trap.

We're probably gonna kill you.

Yeah, we're going to kill you on the spot.

We're going to leave you in this trap and you might die anyway.

So.

Okay.

Give me an intimidation or a persuasion check.

Cool.

I'll do that.

Can I give the help action to Jens by leaning into the trap I'm in?

Oh.

Yeah, these traps are pretty bad.

Having no reaction.

Oh, Nat 20.

Oh!

Fuck yeah, dude.

Jens, as you like...

push him into this bear trap, what do you do to intimidate him beyond that?

You see Jens wear Ismark's shirt with damaged, rips off the sleeve, showing a perfect Jeremy Ellen White bicep me.

Oh my god, look at those tiny tattoos.

As I grab Pietor by the collar.

Oh my god, they could all model for Aeropastal.

That's right.

Tell us, tell us who is in the bear trap.

Who is the main alpha?

Whose podcast is the most popular?

It was Stran!

It was Dron!

He's the ultimate lycanthrope.

He can turn into anything.

I would do anything for my alpha.

Oh, just kill me now.

If I go back to kill without that hair, I'll...

I'll push the arrow into his neck.

That's awesome.

I was going to do that too.

Welp, our hands are clean of this situation.

I just smack my hands together, just these traps full of my friends and

fallen asleep in it.

Nike just starts walking off with the trap around his ankle.

Okay, I'll get these guys out of the trap.

I'll do the finger sweep, but on the trap to try to

get them out like they're choking on gum.

Thank you.

Barely noticed it.

Awesome.

Yeah, you fish them out of these traps.

You breathe a huge sigh of relief.

You catch your breath.

Onyx Bluetooth wanders up to you after the battle and says, Mom, do you want this back?

What?

He spits out the little USB drive.

Oh yeah, I got this from a CEO and I was curious to see what it would do, but it didn't seem like it did anything.

I thought it was part of my loadout, but I think it's noted something else.

You gotta stop.

No.

I'm finding myself, and here I am is awful and odious.

That's right.

Speak your truth.

And that's my choice.

Do you want to give me an arcana or investigation?

Okay.

19 on a die.

Very good.

There we go.

Yeah, this little USB trident drive shimmers with this like reflective polychromatic black hued sheen.

sheen

And you kind of feel your connection to Ariana this Fey Wild presence deepen a little bit.

This is a charm of the pact keeper.

It's based on the rod of the pact keeper while holding this charm you gain a bonus to spell attack rolls and to saving throw DCs of your warlock spells

The bonus for this is currently plus one in addition you can regain one warlock spell slot as a magic action while holding this charm.

I'll say while you are holding it or while Bluetooth has it in his mouth.

Either way works.

Okay, I'll put it back in Bluetooth's mouth.

Well

you can't use this property again until you finish a long rest.

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Okay, so yeah, you inspect that Onyx.

Everyone else dusts themselves off.

I will say, as you are standing up and getting out of the traps, you notice that the werewolves, upon dying, have reverted back to their human forms.

You see that their ill-fitting clothing now hangs off their hairy bodies.

And amidst the folds, you see a few glinting shapes.

Ooh, I loot the corpses so fast.

Yeah.

I've never seen you move so quickly.

I cast Zephyr Strike to go loot them super quick.

I have watched you die multiple times now, and never have you moved with such speed.

Great.

This is what I live for.

So you loot the bodies and you find a couple of things.

On Piyoter, the leader, you find orders from Kirill Stoyanovich, the alpha of the werewolves.

And his orders were to track down the triplets and steal their hair so that the great alpha might smell his new enemies

freaks smell they were making hair dolls it's dog stuff we love to smell sniffles

for sure can i look into the uh dolls i have of the three of us and see if they have our hair um yes uh you want to summon them out of the Leoman's tiny chest?

Great.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

You pull this ethereal chest out of the air, pop it open.

They don't seem to have any of your hair.

Yeah, I think we would have clocked that.

Upon closer inspection, they do seem like rudimentary reproductions of you.

It seems kind of like almost like you projected your image and presence onto each of them, as opposed to them being perfect replicas.

Um, can I do uh make it look like an accident?

But I'm going to drop the Jens doll and step on it.

What the fuck?

Butter binger, baby fingers, butter baby fingers.

Sorry,

yet again, you feel this vision of a man wearing like a flea-bitten gesture suit, a monkey in a little tutu perched on his shoulder, handing him tools.

He just looks up and says, One of my children has been hurt.

I dive on the doll and I pick it up, dusting it off.

Jens is okay.

Yeah, why would I not be okay?

Okay, sorry.

She was asking the doll, not you, Jens.

A monkey tried to make a trad wife of me.

I don't know what happened to you last night.

And frankly, I don't care to know because it's just, it's too much.

I've heard of a monkey's uncle, but a monkey's wife, this is ridiculous.

Did we find anything else but fucking hair notes from the goddamn alpha, who we know is Strah?

You find two more things.

On the body of Grylsha, you find an Electrum flute.

Okay.

Electrum is this alloy of gold and silver and other trace elements, but mostly gold and silver.

It's very shiny.

It has kind of like a gold and silver sheen to it.

It looks very well made, surprisingly well made for a werewolf to be carrying.

You imagine that maybe it was looted off of someone else at some point.

We will melt this down and coat our weapons in silver.

Can I play a jaunty tune?

Tut.

If you would, please.

Okay.

Performance check.

Yeah.

You don't play instruments.

Can you give the opposite of a health action?

Because that's what Jen stuff.

Yeah.

My arms are folded and I'm watching judgmentally.

Yeah, make it opposed against your intimidation.

Oh, my God.

Jens's discerning look.

Nyak starts jigging before he puts the instrument to his lips and keeps on hesitating.

I only got a seven.

I got a four.

Wow.

Okay.

Just sympathetic showing all around, honestly.

You should start with the recording.

I just need time to practice.

We're going to melt it down at the next Forge we five.

Of course.

Do you hear me?

You'll never play the flute again.

Yes, brother.

Yes.

Nayak puts the flute in his quiver.

And the last thing you find, because I love it so much, is a roll on the trinket table.

Somebody go ahead and roll me a D100, I believe.

34.

34.

Let's take a look here.

Oh, wow.

This is actually very poignant.

A little black book that records your dreams and yours alone when you sleep.

Honestly, it's gonna be fucking insufferable.

I see the paths that beckons me and I follow it.

Jens, should I get into astrology?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

I'm a Sagittarius.

Did you just decide that, or is that your actual birth month?

Yeah, no, I just decided it.

Okay.

You're such a Sagittarius.

Oh my god, what am I?

Do me, do me.

You're also a Sagittarius.

What?

What am I?

Sagittarius.

Okay.

I guess I would like to know as well.

Sagittarius.

It's just crazy.

It kind of feels like everyone's a Sagittarius.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Yeah.

That must be why we all get along.

Shut the fuck up, Nayak.

Of course.

I'm still, my ears hurt from the fucking flute play before.

I barely brought it to my lips.

Yeah.

Gents, you are being such a Sagittarius.

I don't know what that means.

Are we in a castle or something that we're supposed to look at?

I just kick a werewolf's corpse.

You see, as you finish searching, the thinnest slivers of sunlight begin to peek out of the mountains to the north, shining on this crumbling keep.

You, with a peremptory glance, see there's really nothing of value here, but as you're gathering your bearings, Marina unfolds the map and looks around and says, it seems like we've got another half day of travel or so until we reach Valaki.

Should we rest now or push on?

Well, Fitbit can push on, I say, as I get onto the cart and wait impatiently.

I'm happy to relax in the wagon.

Can I hold the map?

Don't let him touch it.

Nah,'s fingers are trembling.

Are you going to put it in your mouth?

He loses stuff.

He bites stuff.

They always have stuff in their mouth.

He's bad at playing the flute.

I was going to roll it up really tight and use it to play the flute.

Yeah, don't let him do it.

It's going to be annoying.

The flute might serve better as a map holder, it is true.

Why?

Can I try to play the flute?

Why is everyone trying to play the flute?

You're going to have to take it from me.

Niak starts running.

All right, we're leaving him back on Fitbit.

Wait, at least run to the west.

That's where Velaki is.

You're running the wrong way.

Okay, so you're going to push on?

Yes.

Great.

Yeah, Nyack will run just in front of the cart.

Okay, so Nyack is trotting ahead.

Are you guys all just going to chill on Fitbit?

I'm sitting on the cart.

Yeah.

I will say that Fitbit can carry...

You know what?

I'll do a D4 roll for this to see how many people Fitbit can comfortably carry.

I don't care if he's comfortable.

He can carry one person.

Great.

Okay.

Looks like everyone's welcome except for Jens.

Awesome.

So everyone that's not in the cart, go ahead and give me a Constitution saving throw.

Damn.

14.

You still have a Bardic Nayak.

Oh.

I got a Nat 1.

God damn it.

I have minus 1 to con save, so that's a 0.

I don't know if I should use it.

You just die.

Yeah, no.

I shouldn't have sprinted to save my flute.

Okay, so Onix, you and Nayak, after getting your feet chomped by these hunting traps, you're not so steady on your feet, and you do take a level of exhaustion as you walk.

I think I have trench foot.

You tired yourself out with the flute.

I told you not to play the flute, and look what happens.

I shouldn't have done a jig on my injured leg.

He's got a jaunty ankle.

It's a medical condition.

So you all stagger your way down the old Svalich Road.

Can I position myself so I'm in front of the cart wheel so that as the cart moves, it pushes me along.

So it hurts, but.

I think you could probably get rid of some of this stuff and then Fitbit could carry more people.

I don't need your opinion.

I don't need to hear from a Sagittarius.

Stop being such a fucking Sagittarius.

You're all being such Sagittarius now.

You all get a little crankier as the day continues.

The sun is now fully overhead now as you finally make your way into

a basin watched over by dark brooding mountains in the north and south.

As you continue walking, the woods recede, revealing a sullen town surrounded by a tall wooden palisade.

Thick fog presses up against this wall, as though looking for a way inside.

Behind the town, you see a tall hill with with a switchback trail that connects this walled settlement to a simple abbey made of white stone.

You walk eagerly towards the village, and as you do, you notice that the trail is flanked by a half-dozen pikes, each of them bearing an impaled wolf's head.

Oh, cool.

Whoa.

Oh,

we should have brought the corpses as an offering.

Well,

should we go back?

Yeah, I turn around.

Go back.

I turn around.

You already are exhausted.

I can see it.

You have rings under your eyes.

I gotta be honest, I'm all for shenanigans, but I don't want to go back.

My butt hurts from sitting on the cart all day.

Right?

Yeah, his cheeks are chafing.

We have to get to the infirmary.

I need cream.

Does this town have a pharmacy?

Yeah.

I need cream for my ass rash.

Let's find, um, let's get to the inn.

Yes.

and let's find Erwin.

Clearly these people are cool.

They have werewolf heads.

Wait, no, hang on.

Hold on.

Jen is a dog.

Jens holds his mind and does a mentalist rewind and remembers that the werewolves turned back into their human selves when they died.

So these are actual wolves and we're vegans.

Oh.

This is not okay.

Whoa.

That's real meat.

This is not okay.

That's real meat.

Okay, let's fight everyone.

We'll consider fighting everyone.

Okay.

That is certainly a path we could take, yes?

Yeah, we thought these were just people, but they're freaking wolves.

Yeah.

They're wolf killers.

Yeah.

And I'm a werewolf killer.

There's a difference.

Yeah, there's a huge difference.

Is this a Sagittarius thing?

This is a classic Sag thing.

Or it's not.

It is not Sagas.

Yeah, okay.

Marina, shut the fuck up, okay?

You're just...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's the road.

My butt.

My butt hurts.

It is a rash.

We are all rashy.

We are all pyrashi.

We have short-tempers, Sagittarius.

Let's be careful because at first we thought this town killed people, but now we think it might kill wolves.

All right?

And that's true.

Well, we should be fine, though, because we're not wolves, so they won't kill us.

That's true.

Very true.

But we're veg, so we're friends of wolves.

We definitely have a disagreement.

Yeah, we do have a disagreement.

Vegans and short-tempered Sagittarius.

Yeah,

it's not going to go over well.

It does seem like they've killed an awful lot of wolves, more than would be necessary to protect the town.

I think I think we need to disguise Keychain.

Because he's such an awful lot of people.

Oh, because he's a dog.

He's wolfish.

But I liked being a dog so much.

What will I become?

A man.

Yeah.

A really tall man.

He's just a really tall guy.

Is it time for me to become a real boy?

Yeah.

No, a tall man.

A tall man.

It's time for you to become a tall man.

A tall man.

A tall.

Wow.

Okay.

Do you think I have the confidence to pull that off?

Yes.

You see, Keychain stands up, transforms back into his humanoid form, and then gives himself experimental leg surgery.

Okay.

It looks like it hurts, but he's 6'2, and that's all that matters.

I could go taller.

I know it.

Okay.

Something to build towards, though.

I'm hearing a lot of snapping.

Yeah.

You do look like you're going to topple.

Yeah, you're going to topple.

Stop.

6'4.

You're good.

Okay, 6'4.

let's keep it there.

6'4 is good.

6'4 is great, but can I dunk?

No.

You shouldn't jump on those legs.

Yeah, don't jump on those things.

They're brittle.

Okay.

Okay, so you see Keychain wobbles over to Fitbit and pulls out like a long cloak from Ismark's wardrobe, tosses it over himself, and then kind of wraps a scarf around his face to kind of disguise himself a little further.

Really good.

Okay, wow, look at this lean stranger.

Let's go in and talk to our friend Erwin, right?

That was his name?

Erwin Martikov, I believe.

There you go.

Real quick,

sorry, everyone, except for Marina and Kichain.

Yes.

Huddle up.

Okay.

Marina, watch.

I can dunk.

Yeah.

Ow.

This is just a Sagittarius Leo Rising thing.

Yeah.

I feel like Kiche is too confident now.

Okay.

Should we tabletop him?

Well, let's just

say

little snipes every once in a while just to keep him on us.

But what if he gets all the attention?

That's theoretically fine.

They seem to behead things and leave them outside the town.

Yeah, I don't know if we want him getting all the attention.

You see, Keychain grabs a rock and puts it in the front of his pants to make it look like he has a huge dick.

Okay,

that's a solid move.

Why did I fucking think of that?

I don't know.

Okay, okay.

Just the three of us, we could just keep an eye out, okay?

Like, if he's getting too much attention.

If he gets too much attention, we'll sabotage him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll ask him, we'll blame the wolf deaths on him, and we'll say that they were regular dogs.

We'll say that he killed a regular dog, okay?

This gangly man killed a regular dog.

We'll say that he hates dogs, okay?

Okay, okay, okay.

Deal.

All right, let's get going.

I'll lead the way.

Ow, ow, yeah.

Okay, let's find Irwin.

We're looking for an inn, I believe.

So you wander further down the path, watched by these twin rows of wolf heads on these pikes.

And as you continue on, you see a set of sturdy iron gates with even more heads mounted on top.

And from within the gates, you hear the strained notes of a poorly tuned instrument plucking along to a warbly song sung in forced falsetto.

It's the wolf's head jamboree.

What a wonderful sight to see.

The wolves are dead, cut off their heads, and now we're so happy.

All will be well,

joyful and free.

We're not in health, just old Volarchy.

Naya, get your flute.

This is obviously missing a flute.

The song launches into a second verse, but as you tilt your ears to listen, you see two guards in mismatched leathers approaching the iron gate.

The guards wield rusty spears similar to the one you saw Piotr holding, and their faces are scrunched into ill-fitting smiles.

The smaller of the guards leans forward and addresses you.

Well, hey there, folks, welcome to Valaki.

All will be well.

You here for the jamboree?

Yes.

Well, Craig, come on in.

Wait.

You don't like werewolves, are you?

Hate werewolves.

We were attacked by them on the road.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I killed one earlier.

We killed a few.

Yeah.

That's awful.

They didn't bite you, did they?

They did not.

No.

they tried to grab our hair yeah they wanted their hair that's our that is that's a new one for me yeah no they were freaks for sure freaky werewolves you know it's freaky times out there which is why we got to stay safe in vulaki all will be well here

oh good all right these guys are really nice

yeah you guys have a really earnest positivity yeah we we really try it's really hard but we try yeah all will be well are these wolves just like kind of coming out of the woodwork running attack in the town?

Oh, all the time.

Okay.

It's a safe out there.

Are they werewolves or regular wolves?

Well, we don't know.

And so when you say all will be well, does that mean that's a cool mantra?

Does that mean things are bad right now and things will be well later?

Sort of a glass half-full situation

where like these dang wolves are drinking all the water, but like there's a little bit left, so we got to celebrate what we got.

So if you are celebrating, what are you celebrating?

The wolves had jamboree.

Right.

so is that like

because the moon is a certain position in the sky, or is this a milestone like you killed X number of wolves?

You know, I think that the Baron could explain it a lot better.

So, why don't y'all just get on in here?

I'm not taking details.

We should obviously be talking to the Baron.

I hate to waste your time.

I think we don't need to talk to the Baron necessarily if he's super into this, whatever that is.

No,

I want to talk to the baron.

You want to talk to the Baron?

Yeah, well, okay.

I want to talk to the decision-maker in the town.

Sure, yeah.

That's That's him.

Okay, yeah, good.

But you got to get in here quick.

The Baron's about to start the festivities.

So come on in.

Let's go.

Wait, do you know Erwin?

Erwin?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He owns the Blue Water Inn.

That's him.

Yeah.

He'll be out there.

He'll be probably man in one of the booths, I imagine.

Okay, great.

We'll go talk to him at a booth.

Just a quick note, werewolves do turn back into their like humanoid form.

So these, and I point to the heads, are just kind of all regular wolves.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, well, you know, that's news to me.

The Baron said that you can never tell.

Just can absolutely never tell if it's a wolf or a werewolf, so you got to just kill them all, regardless.

Does the Baron like freak out at night or anything ever?

Is the Baron a secret werewolf?

Because that just seems like the kind of thing.

No, he's always got a big smile on his face.

You seem very, as someone who is a phone, it is very like accuse everyone else of being a wolf when you yourself are a wolf.

Classic werewolf behavior.

Classic, what happens on phone.

He sounds like a Sagittarius.

That's crazy because I'm a Sagittarius.

So if he was a Sagittarius, then he was a little bit more.

What's up, Wild Sag?

Yes.

Sag, we are all so

saggy, right?

Short-tempered, Sagittarius.

We're hangry.

Let's come in and let's go to your festival.

Of course, yeah, come on in.

All right.

You see, the second guard just kind of goes,

but says nothing else.

I guess, like, I'm going to just do, I feel like I should do an insight.

Sure, we know what's going on.

But my heart isn't in it, so I'm just going to do it with disadvantage.

Beautiful.

Okay, I got a 10.

A 10?

With a 10, that's just a total surface read.

Yeah, they're smiling.

Yeah.

We get the brain.

Yeah.

Happy in quotations.

Great.

So they smile and say, come on in.

They open the iron gate.

They lead you inside.

As you enter, you see flimsy scaffolding pressed against the sharp wooden walls.

Atop these walkways, more guards peer into the night on all sides.

A few turn to wave at you as you walk past rows of dilapidated cottages.

Good wave, Jake.

Just wanted to call that out.

Jake waved on the Zoom call.

And then, after a short walk, you arrive in the town of Valaki.

Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna have Bluetooth go invisible, turn into a raven, and fly into the sky to do sort of like aerial viewing.

Holy shit.

He's an invisible raven.

Drone footage.

Yeah,

I'm gonna get some drone footage of this entrance.

Did you tell him it's time to go stealth mode?

Oh my god.

Yes, my son.

Hold on.

Let me put on my optic camouflage.

Okay, so yeah, Bluetooth's going to surveil.

Did you do like a perception check or something like that?

I think it's more like I want him positioned there so that I can decide to move him if I want to look into windows or anything like that.

Awesome.

Cool.

Let's see if the Baron's just got like bones in his house or anything like that.

Yeah, he's just...

He's a werewolf, right?

Do we all agree?

The Baron's a werewolf.

I think so.

I just got a Sagittarius werewolf.

Maybe they can talk to wolves or something, and the real wolves know what's up and are like,

it is suspicious, but I wonder why this abbot would allow a werewolf to exist right below him in the town.

Well, the abbot is probably a werewolf.

The abbot is also a werewolf, I think, is where I'm at.

I think everyone's a werewolf here.

Yeah, everyone's a werewolf at Rose.

Oh, my God.

Marina, this town, they're all werewolves.

We figured it out in like two seconds.

Everyone's a werewolf.

It must be that Sagittarius brain.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Try to keep up.

I will.

She looks like very serious about it.

I will try my best.

Oh, no, I feel bad.

She clutches the sword Jens gave her.

Yee.

Jens looks at the shoddy worksmanship of it.

Yee.

That's a walking stick, right?

No, no.

Yeah.

No, that was a sword I got from, you know, completing Last Adventure.

A blacksmith who was magic gave it to me.

Didn't it come from a castle in a swamp?

Shut the fuck up.

Let's go.

So

after a short stroll, you all arrive at the the town square.

The roads are paved with cracked blue tile and smooth gray stones.

At the center of the square, you see a large moss-covered fountain, atop which is mounted an enormous wicker wolf's head.

All around are various booths and shops, decorated with limp, tattered garlands and tiny, dead flowers.

Some seem to be selling wares, while others are occupied by carnival games.

One in particular stands out to you because it's staffed by a man in a flea-bitten jester suit who has a monkey perched on his shoulder.

However, before you can investigate further, you hear a loud drum followed by more high-pitched singing.

And now please put your hands together, for he who makes our lives much better, he keeps us safe from all disaster.

All great and wonderful Burgomaster!

Nayak applauds so hard.

Yes!

What the fuck?

You see a throng of peasants gathered near a wooden stage where the same singer you heard outside is now performing.

His patchwork clothes are lined with bells that jingle sadly as he gestures to a middle-aged man seated behind him.

The man is wearing a sparkling blue robe and is flanked by a similarly clad woman and two huge mastiff hounds.

The man stands, then raises his hands.

As he does, you see a ring of iron keys dangling from his waist.

A smattering of dry applause rises from the crowd.

He walks forward, grins too wide, and then launches into a speech.

Good day, everybody.

All will be well.

Yes.

Ha ha.

I am your humble burgomaster, Baron Vargas Vilakovich, and I'm just so thrilled to welcome everybody to the Wolf's Head Jamboree.

Yeah, let's get it going, right?

Yes.

Okay, yeah, you there.

New in town.

I'd love to meet you after this, for sure.

He's very charismatic, and I'm glad that Bluetooth isn't here to be manipulated.

These people are obsessed with wolves.

We love a festival here in Vilaki, don't we, folks?

The joy these festivals brings drives away the forces of darkness and keeps us safe.

Ain't that right?

All will be well.

All will be well.

This is so bad, guys.

This is gonna go so bad.

There's no way anyone here is okay.

Vargas raises his hands and everyone cheers as if on cue.

All except one man who cups his hands and mutters a very faint, ooo.

Whoa.

As soon as he hears this, Vargas, still smiling, nods at two guards who drag the man off to a set of stocks.

They lock him inside and place a plaster donkey head over his face.

Hate to see that, folks, but you know what we say around here?

Hee-haul, you broke the law.

Well, friends, looks like one of our fellow villagers needs a little reminder on how to embrace the joy of Halaki.

So why don't everyone get out there, play some games, eat some food, enjoy yourself.

And remember, if you earn enough Burgo books, you might just get to be Burgo Master for the day.

So go have fun and remember, all will be well.

Marcus hits a different pose on each word, ending on a high kick that hits a peasant in the head.

Okay.

Prompting several concerned cheers.

Okay.

Jens.

Jen just rubs his temples.

We did not sleep last night.

Now we're at a fucking carnival.

Do we need to try to be the burger master for a day?

I guess that's not a bad idea.

Yeah, then we would get to live in the burger master's house and have the key to the city and learn all of the secrets, I imagine.

I feel like it's gonna, it's the way that like when we're on jet blue, like a kid will get like the pilot's wings or something.

It doesn't mean he actually gets to fly the plane.

I'm going to ask.

I'm going to ask a person in the crowd.

Okay.

Hey, hi.

Hi,

what's up?

I'm a Sagittarius.

You are too.

I was wondering, who won last year?

Who won Burger Master for a day last year?

Oh, last year?

That'd be Jarzinka.

How many Burgo bucks did it take?

It changes year to year based on inflation and whatnot, but

it was 10 Burgo bucks last year.

Is Jarzinka alive today?

Was Jarzinka eaten by wolves?

Did Jarzinka go in that big wolf head?

The wicker wolf head.

She's right over there.

Jarzinka!

Hello!

Hey, what are you?

I am Jarzinka.

Jarzinka.

Whoa.

I'm surprised.

What was it like?

What did you get to do when you were a burger master for a day?

So basically, I could go around and I could just tell everybody what to do.

I got to stay at the burger master's house, sleepy.

So you do get to do that.

Okay.

All right.

That's pretty freaking clear.

How did it feel to not be it anymore?

Was there a crash emotionally?

Huge.

Absolutely.

It's a dream deep bottom.

Was the high worst the low?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Jorzinko, what are you doing today?

I'm trying to win again.

Okay.

What if you pulled with us?

She won last year.

She won last year.

She won last year.

Okay, but

the games are totally different every year.

The festival is totally different every year.

Okay, never mind then.

Bye, Jar.

Yeah, no, that's a good point.

I want to go talk to the guy in the stocks.

All right?

Don't worry.

No one will suspect a thing.

I grab a tomato and I throw it at his head so hard.

And then I walk over and I look like I'm berating him, but I'm just like, I made friends, maybe.

Why did you boo?

I agree that this Burgomaster seems weird, but maybe you know more, Donkey Man.

Be careful.

Isak, the Burgomaster's henchman is right there.

Okay.

You see standing next to the stocks is this burly man with like a long leather jacket on and a bald head and very intense eyes.

He wears gloves over his hands, which are both folded over his massive chest.

And he kind of looks at you, but sees that you're currently throwing tomatoes at this guy, and he's totally fine with it.

Great.

I smush another tomato in his face.

I'm so sorry about this.

Yeah, I know.

It's okay.

Okay.

I got a little bit of the tomato in my mouth that time, so that was good.

That was yummy.

Okay, well, we'll keep doing this.

I'm gonna keep crunching tomatoes in your face, and you're just gonna keep eating the tomato juice and tell me what's going on.

All right, why is this guy looking at us?

Why are you in the stocks?

Why are you fooling people?

My name is Udo.

Udo?

And listen, everyone here, they won't tell you, but all is not well in this town.

I thought so.

Things are kind of fucked up.

Yeah, no shit.

There are strange creatures roaming around.

I've seen them digging up graves.

Don't even get me started on what's going on at the Abbey.

Oh, the Abbey's fucked up?

I don't know.

I just get a bad sense from it, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

You know, two people have gone missing from the Burgamaster's staff.

Okay.

Just gone.

Do you know anything about the Abbot?

Nobody knows anything about the Abbot.

He talks to the Burgamaster and the Burgamaster alone.

Oh, boy.

If we're the Burgamaster for a day, we can talk to him.

Ah, maybe.

That's true.

The gate to the Abbey is locked.

Occasionally, the burgomaster will bring shipments of wine and food to the abbot.

And occasionally, I have seen the abbot come and glimpse at the pool at the bottom of the steps at the entrance to the abbey.

But other than that, he really keeps to himself.

Alright, well,

we appreciate it a lot.

Hopefully, we can figure out what's going on here, and we'll get you out.

I forgot your name.

I'm just going to call you Donkey Man, if that's okay.

Sure.

Shove another tomato in your face.

Just tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay, right on.

go.

Shove a tomato in his face and I walk back over to my friend.

Does the burger master have a key on him?

Yes.

You saw that he has a ring of keys on his waist.

Then I'm gonna get nearby.

Okay.

And I'm going to duplicate.

I'm gonna create an exact replica of an object you can see within range that weighs no more than 25 pounds.

At first glance, the two objects are indistinguishable from each other, and the duplicate functions as if it were the original, except for any magical properties the original object may have.

Are there like verbal somatic components to this?

I'm just wondering, like, if somebody...

S and M.

So I do need copper powder and wax.

So I take out the copper powder that I usually dust on my cheeks to look beautiful.

And then I take some of Jens's hair wax.

Hey.

Oh, werewolves are killed for that.

The thickening pome.

Awesome.

You do that.

Why don't you give me a...

Since it's somatic, that means you're like moving your hands a little bit.

And you are, you have to be like really close to the baron for this yeah you know what what's the range i'm going to also um the range is five feet so i am like right near him i will disguise self to look like a villager great go ahead and give me a stealth roll for this versus his perception okay i'll give bardic inspiration to

20.

There you go.

Fuck yes.

Awesome.

Yeah, you see that the Baron is busy like shaking people's hands.

His coat is lined with like various snacks and foods.

And he's just like, he's handing out tomatoes for people to throw at the people in stock.

There you go.

That's a good one.

That's a beef eater out there.

He's totally distracted.

You perfectly fucking duplicate these keys.

And as you do, you look down at them.

You look over to the gate at the far north of the village.

And then you look up beyond it along this switchback trail where you see this Whitestone Abbey.

And as you're staring at it with these keys in hand, a loud bell rings.

It rings from the abbey's high tower, sending scores of terrified birds fluttering to the sky.

Its loud ringing echoes beneath your skin, eyes, and teeth.

And as it continues, you see the burgomaster looks up, signals to the bard to play his flute as loud as possible.

But despite the increased volume, you can still hear them

a chorus of baleful inhuman screams bellowing forth from somewhere in the abbey

you need a second flute

and that's where we'll end our session

this town is bad

welcome to the j bree folks oh my god just insisting everything is good is so menacing

it's i had to build volaki into this regardless regardless of where you went.

I was just like, they have to go to Volaki because it's such a funny gimmick.

And I'm so glad you're finally here.

Will be will.

Oh, Will Be Will.

I'm excited to talk about Vallaki and what awaits you on the short rest.

You can subscribe to the short rest by going to patreon.com slash nadbod.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

We are, we are.

Don't sing yet.

Don't do it, folks.

Don't sing yet.

Okay, we won't sing yet.

We do have some stuff to plug.

We've got Dimension 20 Live show in November.

Come see us live.

We're doing Starstruck search Dimension 20 live.

Hell yeah.

I'm going to go and plug our shop because this coming weekend after this episode posts, we're going to be having a little back to school sale.

That is correct.

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Yeah.

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Thank you so much.

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