Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 7: A Mother's Dream

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This is a head gum podcast.

Welcome to Trinavale.

And also, Barovia.

Barrovia.

It's been been a minute to keep recorded.

I forgot what we do there.

You forgot to do the thing that we do every time that's the same as saying Trinivale.

Barrovia.

There you go.

There we go.

It was like the what would you do?

Exactly.

Only 90s kids know, and I guess some 80s kids also know.

Murph is his totem.

His brain is unlocked.

There we go.

He's back.

McDonald sold VHS tapes in the 90s.

We remember this.

We know this.

Don't you forget it.

You can get dances with wolves there.

We remember all of the Happy Meal toys.

Yeah, Murph has nostalgia memento tattoos all over his life.

That sounded like a sermon.

Yeah.

We remember.

We remember.

We are back, friends, with a brand new episode of Trinavale Extra.

I am your Dracula uncle, aka Drunkle Caldwell Tanner, and I'm joined, as always, by my pleasant players, Brian Murphy.

Getting crabby, so I'm going to the Abbey.

Gen Zell.

Yes, we are.

Emily Oxford.

Fighting bloodsuckers in the name of Spud Fucker.

I don't know if we've made that rhyme yet.

We haven't.

I don't think so, right?

We did.

It was the initial rhyme, which was the bloodsuckers?

Yeah, no bloodsuckers, just spud fuckers.

Jesus.

Me and Murphy sold me out.

I was like, Has this rhyme been done?

And he said, No.

I don't recall this.

I don't remember.

If only you would listen to each episode four times, like me.

Devastating.

Okay, I have a backup one that's good.

Oh shit.

Yeah, go ahead.

Let's hear it.

Ready?

Chaustaper.

In the

claperer.

Ah.

Oh!

On X Lumière.

There it is.

There it is.

Beautiful.

We remember.

And of course, we've got Jake Hurwitz.

Get ready for the blowback.

I've got my bow back, Nyack of the Ranafore.

That's

spicy.

These are all very spicy, which is coincidental because you've just found some herbs and spices.

But before we give those a sniff, how about we open up our nostrils and inhale a big recap?

Yes, please.

Apparently, we need that.

When last we met, things were looking grim for our heroes.

Outside the church, Strahd laughed mercilessly as Nyack lay bleeding on the chapel floor.

To even the odds, Ismark rushed inside and joined the fight against Reagan, while the distraught Keychain fed Nyak his last healing potion.

Emboldened by Ismark and the triplet's actions, Marina stood her ground and pulled out her adopted mother, Alana's sword, which she revealed was named the Blade of Truth.

Onyx realized she had found a book with the same title, but there was no time for a study action because soon after, Alinka, Mirabel, and Sorvia, aka the Wine Moms, owners of the local tavern, burst through the door with Fitbit the Mule.

They then revealed that they were secretly Wine Ravens and joined the battle.

As the tide began to shift, Onyx used her mirror image ability to create the illusion of four marinas fleeing out the front door, and Jinz recruited Bildraath and his massive nephew, Periwimple, into the battle.

Upon seeing the flight of his beloved Tatiana, Strahd smiled and then announced to Reagan that he had grown bored.

After flinging the church doors open with a gust of wind, he bid the players farewell and implored Jens and Nyak to consider the deals he had proposed for them.

Then he and Doru, the vampire spawn, took to the skies in his flaming phantom heliclopper.

Angry about being left behind, Reagan unleashed a psychic wave of ghostly screams and attempted to kill Ismark.

But he was no match for the combined power of the triplets and their allies and soon fell to the ground, riddled with arrows from Nyak's bow.

Damn right.

You three then ransacked his corpse and reclaimed your lost weapons, as well as the key to Reagan's ethereal offshore bank account/slash treasure chest.

You then finished the burger master's burial rites and held an after-party at his mansion.

While there, you spoke with the wine mobs, who told you of the strange tree sapping the life from the soils near their vineyard.

And Ismark fetched you the reward he had promised, a beautiful silver sunburst.

Upon holding it, you heard a strange rattling inside, which Onix investigated by breaking it in half.

Inside, you found a scroll that read, The Alchemical and Culinary Musings of Alana Petrovna, Olmist Scholar of the Tome.

And inside the scroll, you found a small silver vial, which was filled with a pungent but pleasing blend of herbs and spices.

And that is where we are now.

So, you breathe in this rich aroma.

and as Nayek pointed out, there are definitely hints of coriander and paprika, but on top of that, permeating the whole mixture, you catch the powerful scent of garlic.

As you cradle this vial, Ismark and Marina's nostrils flare, and you see a single tear fall down Ismark's cheek.

This scent, I have not smelt it since my...

since my mother...

Since the last feast before she was taken.

It smells proprietary.

Explain Explain that.

Like, like nobody else has it, like it's a secret spice, like it's hers and hers alone.

Secret herb and or spice.

Yes, I would say that all of the notes that this vial were wrapped in probably, you know, are more than enough proof to prove that it's hers and not yours.

So, what notes?

I say as I eat the paper.

That seems like there's probably valuable information there.

Spit it out.

Spit it out.

Yes, hang on.

Okay.

Overwhelming hint of garlic.

More than a hint.

It's really heavy on the garlic, actually.

Heavy on the garlic.

Is it possible that Spudfuckers and the secret herbs and spices will ultimately be Strahd's downfall?

And that's why he needed to destroy our soft opening.

Can he not handle the spice?

Perhaps the note will tell us more.

Marina kind of gestures towards the now very

she doesn't have your note.

Like someone trying to get something out of their dog's mouth.

I start prying Onyx's mouth and stick a finger in it.

Come on, hold still.

I resist Jens, but less than I resist Marina's.

I spend literal days thinking about what you'll do.

I spit the note into Jen's hand.

Don't let Marina have it.

I turn away from Marina and I read.

Okay, cool.

You open the scroll and see several pages of notes littered with strange diagrams and sigils that are all a little smudged now.

The words are written in the cramped cursive of a trained scholar, but don't seem to be in any language you know.

As you inspect the note, Marina kind of edges closer, being like, if I could just perhaps.

I block her out.

This seems like something we are supposed to figure out.

I scratched my head.

I box Marin out as well.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Excuse me.

All right.

I actually have an idea.

What if we were to show this to Marina?

She might actually know something.

Onyx shrugs, but starts weeping.

I don't know.

The garlic is rather pungent.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

All right.

Marina, is there anything you can deduce from this?

Let me see.

Don't let her hold it.

Just yeah, I'll hold it up.

I can look at you look at it because it is Arno.

We found it.

I happen to also be chewing two pieces of gum while I ate it.

Okay, so there's both pieces of gum are on it.

She's a little bit more.

She's the very wet tic-tac on there.

Yeah.

Oh, is that source?

That's wet.

She chews too much gum.

That's why I had to fish it out of her mouth like a dog.

Yeah.

So do you hand the note to Marina?

I hold it in front of Marina.

Okay.

You hold it in front of her.

She leans in and kind of like absent-mindedly traces the words with her finger.

And as soon as she touches it, the words glow, then rearrange as the illusory script spell breaks.

Whoa.

Thanks.

We pull it back.

I think clearly the words were meant for me and my family.

Okay, fine.

The five of us.

You're right.

Okay, you're right.

Right, family in the way that the five guys were family.

Right.

I don't know if they were brothers or not.

Yeah, we'll cut you in.

I look at Jens and Nayak.

She's not gonna survive.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, I don't know.

A gentleman's agreement.

Let's do a handshake agreement.

We split everything five ways.

But if someone dies, then it goes to four ways.

It It goes three ways.

Does Ismark be a part of this?

Is Mark the normal?

All that I care about is that my sister is taken to safety.

I've already awarded you this silver sigil, whatever was inside it.

As much as it pains me to say, it is yours by right.

Sounds like a four-way split.

All that matters is his sister's safety.

Okay, four-way split.

A four-way split.

Great.

Okay, Marie.

Thank you.

Tell us what this says.

Okay, yes, I will read.

So she lifts it up and begins to read.

And you see that these are the words words to a journal.

So she starts with the first entry and reads the words of Alana Petrovna.

Entry one.

Ever since I escaped from the massacre of Beres, I've been haunted by the knowledge that my former colleagues have all but certainly been transformed into the foul spawn of Strahd.

And though I have found a happy life here in Borovia with Kuljan and Little Ismark, The guilt of my survival fuels the lantern of my mind.

And so I strive towards discovery.

I've made it my life's new mission to undo the curse of vampirism.

Marina looks up from reading.

There are more entries.

Perhaps we should find a more comfortable place.

A private place to continue?

Sure, I thought we were in just your house.

Well, we are having a party.

All of the other people are here.

It was sort of the like reception for my father's funeral.

Okay, yeah, we can go to a different room.

I mean, I think we wanted to go to the abbey.

Do you think that like the road to the abbey is private?

Otherwise, I actually know there's a secret dungeon sex room in the church.

So I'm intrigued by that.

Let's go to the BDSM lair.

Yeah.

Okay, yes, I feel like uh Donovich definitely owes us a favor.

Yeah.

So Ismark, do you want to come?

What are you doing inviting Ismark?

I say out loud in front of Ismark.

I thought he might want to go with his sister.

I think, um, now that the vampires have fled, I think that we shall be safe for a time.

I shall stay here and keep the party going.

But if you wish to retire to the church to read in private, that would be wonderful.

Yeah, I would rather go to the sex dungeon in the church.

Okay, okay.

I don't know that it's a sex dungeon necessarily.

I'm the one who saw it, not you.

Okay.

Okay.

Great, okay.

Jens?

Look at me.

I hold up the tiny doll I have that is a replica of Jens.

Threateningly.

Brother, do what she says.

I put my finger in Onyx's mouth and scoop out another huge piece of gum.

I'm the only thing keeping you alive.

And I want you to remember that.

So much.

That one was so painful.

I know.

I think it's from like three weeks ago.

I just want you to remember that.

I've never seen her not choke.

It's just so hard to remember the Jew.

You do it three times and then, okay.

It feels like you keep putting more pieces in before spitting out the other ones.

All right, really quick.

Before we go to the church, let's just like swing by the wine moms because the wine moms might know something about the isn't the tree damaging the winery and we need to get to the tree eventually.

Yes, it's the trees that's on top of

the past where the abbey is.

So we're gonna go there last, but maybe we could shoot up a flare or something so the wine ravens can come to us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

All right.

Yeah.

Run that idea past.

Okay.

Um, so you're gonna walk over to Alinka Mirabell and Sorvia?

Yeah.

Cool.

Um, they're fucking toasted.

Hell yes, that's awesome.

What's up?

Cheesy baby!

Oh, good to see you.

Wow.

Thank you for thank you for showing up.

You were so helpful back there.

Could you believe it?

Ismark hid in a grave during the whole fight.

It was nuts.

Bizarre.

As Jens made the decision to switch back to College of Swords, he had a moment of meditation where he just gaslit himself into thinking that he did cool stuff in the other battle and that Ismark did all of the bad things that he did.

Instead of meditating, you just gaslight yourself?

I just gaslight myself into thinking everything's okay.

You know, it's just like, can he get any lesser?

That's what I'm saying.

That is what I'm saying.

Oh, my God.

Jenny, Jenny, what can we do for you?

Okay, look, so we drew some cards from Madame Ava.

Oh.

And we believe there's a clue for us at this tree that seems to be...

Oh yes, the tree at Yester Hill.

It is beyond our vineyard, but it has grown so large that it is sapping the very soil and all the life within.

I fear that the druids and the witches of Strahd, they pray to it and make it stronger and eventually nothing will grow.

And if there is no wine wine in the village, Jinz, I don't think I have to tell you what happens if this dour place does not have any alcohol.

Yes, I understand.

I don't think Ismark's going to be able to keep it together.

No, he's already doing a really bad job.

Where are you headed next?

We're going to the Abbey.

We think we have an ally that could help us get to Strahd.

And we know that Spudfuckers will not be safe until Strahd is dead.

This is true.

This must be the mantra you carry in your heart.

I think so.

To get to the Abbey, you will need to pass through the village of Valaki first.

Okay, the abbey is up a tall hill set at the back of the village.

It is a well-fortified village.

I know not much of what goes on there.

The burgomaster keeps to himself, as does the abbot.

Is Valaki where there is Gandalf and his pet monkey?

Gandalf?

Gandalf?

Yes, Jen.

Gandalf?

Gandalf?

Gadalf Blinksy?

Gadalf.

Gadolf.

Gandalf Blinksy.

Gandalf.

Alright, yeah.

I'm drunk enough to think that you're right.

Gandalf Blinksy.

Thank you.

Solidarity.

Alright, yes.

I think the monkey is important somehow.

Gentle Robs' Temple.

The monkey is related to all of this.

Yeah, the monkey is kind of the key.

The monkey is kind of the key.

The monk?

Key.

Oh,

my morning lord.

It's right there.

Okay, you always talk about the morning lord, but I'm wondering what happened to the Night Mother.

The Night Mother?

Why don't you consider worshiping the Night Mother?

Well, I'm not much one for history.

I focus on the history of the grape, as it were.

But as far as I know, the Night Mother is kind of the ancient presence of this land.

And then when Stradd, and more specifically Strahd's father, came here, he sort of brought the Morning Lord's presence.

And as they descended upon the land and established more churches, the more rays of sun and more radiance came to the land and it kind of drove back the mist and the darkness of the Night Mother.

Okay, so they're kind of locked in eternal struggle, you know, babe.

Yeah, I'm just saying that I heard that everyone cute and Khat is going to worship the Night Mother.

Is that so?

Well, you know, you didn't hear it from me because Donovich is right over there, but like us weird ravens, we kind of go in for the Night Mother, too.

Okay.

I mean, you know, dark ravens, beings of the night, as it were.

Okay.

Alright, well, I think we're going to make our way to to Vallaki, swing by the Abbey, and then I think we're gonna go to that tree near your winery.

If you go to Valaki, you must meet with our baby brother, Erwin.

He's there.

He runs an inn there as well.

We've had a little trouble getting messages back and forth, because there are many watchers and spies abroad.

Do you have one to send?

Oh, that would be great.

Yes.

So let me give you this.

She reaches kind of into her dress and

pulls out a feather and gives you each one.

Whoa, where was that?

It looks like it was in you.

Does that hurt when you do that?

I made the scream.

Okay, yeah, okay.

Yes, it came from my body.

That is how my brother will know it is mine.

Got it.

You might think we murdered you, but...

Well, okay, so what we'll do is there is a secret phrase that us wear ravens share to identify each other.

We hold the feather out and then we say this phrase.

And let's actually decide this phrase right now.

I'm going to have you all go around in a circle.

We'll start with Emily and we can just, one word at a time, figure out what this phrase is.

Jens.

Rules.

Kinda.

What the fuck?

I had my word decided before anyone else.

I just said what was on my mind.

It had nothing to do with you.

The phrase is Jinn's rules, kinda.

Okay?

And

up until now, we thought it was just one long word.

Yeah.

Like an ancient guttural scream from the ancient crow language.

But now I see perhaps jinns are you some sort of prophesied figure i've been prophesied kind of are you prophesized as the monkey okay yeah no the monkey is the key but jinns is the lock maybe

oh my night mother all right jeez oh my god

it's all coming together so when you see irwin hold up the feathers or wear them on your person somewhere and say chin's rules kind of you know we always pronounced it as chin's rules kinda but i see now i see now the truth yeah

this is good this is really good i'm prophesized kind of can you bless me please uh sure

i um fish in her mouth and make sure she doesn't have any gum deep in there he saves lives every day it's it's most of the time onyx

onix starts choking

goes super silent

i fish hook onyx

you can tell when she goes quiet that she's choking on gum.

She tries to do it.

She tries to keep it quiet so we don't yell at her.

Thank you.

My mouth is pure.

Thanks to you, Chase.

You're welcome.

All right.

We're going to the church for some reason.

Okay.

Have fun.

All right.

We will stay here.

We'll talk to your brother.

Do you know Esmeralda?

I'm going to...

This is going to be a...

Very high history check, basically a NAT 20, but I will see.

15.

Okay.

Ah, the name does not ring a bell, no, unfortunately.

Okay,

interesting.

Alright, guess she's not prophesized.

I guess she doesn't rule, kinda.

Yeah.

Okay, James, please.

Very nice to meet you.

You are my god now.

Yeah, okay.

Great.

Right on.

Alright, great seeing you.

Um, hello, yes, sir.

Donovich walks over as you're leaving the wine moms.

Did you want to go to the special room?

Yeah, the insect dungeon.

It's not that.

It's not that it's mostly well, before

the terrible fate befell Doru, it was where I made my drawing.

So I would say it's more of like an art studio.

Okay, but that's where you drew the nipple, right?

So yes, it's kind of toying the line.

Okay, it's towing the line for sure.

Erotic art studio.

You're provocative.

Okay, let's get going.

You head out.

You see the moon is breaking through the dark, misty skies a little bit.

But for now, you feel the malevolent presence of Strahd is lifted a bit.

And you walk casually down the cobbled streets and towards the church you head back to the little room where you stole your training dummy initially

down these stairs great

everyone climbing the lads you head down the stairs and you do see um kind of a room that has been ravaged by uh the claw marks of a a vampire spawn.

The walls are covered in them.

Even the ceilings, you see he was practicing his spider climbing.

Whoa.

The second I think spider climb, I'm like, this is so hot.

I'm gonna have a hard time concentrating.

Duru is so cool.

But you do see that three of the walls have been trashed.

There's like shreds of cloth and broken furniture everywhere, but one wall remains pristine.

And on it, you do see several drawings of radiant nipples.

Whoa.

Oh my god.

Even a vampire couldn't

bring himself to destroy this.

It was a series.

Yeah.

Until he got so good at drawing nipples, that you have to practice.

Through dedication, he had a monk's spirit and a heart.

All right, what does the rest of this paper say?

Okay, um, yes, there's more entry.

Shall I read?

Yeah, as she is reading them, I'm going to be handing them off to Keychain to digitize.

Because, and also maybe the Blade of Truth book, because I don't want to.

You know what we could do?

We could get AI to summarize it.

Oh, okay, yeah.

So we're going to.

Yeah, put all of it into Keychain.

Digitizing it because, as much as it paints me to say as a person, my character,

I ate books.

So I don't want all these old pages stinking up my life.

So I, yeah, digitize.

Do you want me to eat the books?

Yes.

Yes, please.

I'm technically AI.

Great.

It stands for awesome intelligence.

Do you want me to spit these out when I'm done, or can I shred the heck out of them?

No, please don't, Daniel.

I would say preserve them if you can.

All right, fine.

Okay.

Keychain devours all these books.

Don't worry, the summary will be completely accurate and there won't be anything left off.

You can be assured.

Feel free to editorialize.

My name is Alvin.

Petroleum.

Hello.

Okay.

That was your mom's name?

I am an almost scholar of the Tim.

Uh-huh.

That sounds right.

Yeah.

Shall I continue?

Spit it out.

Keychain, drop it.

All right.

Keychain, bad dog.

You're going to need to.

Drop it, Keychain.

Bad dog.

Bad dog.

Bad dog.

I have made a special blend with goblins and other spices.

Okay.

All right.

Let's just read it.

He's ruining the spices.

He's ruining the spices.

I have to read it the regular way.

There must be something interfering with our brilliant AI that is always right.

Are we far from a router here?

It must be the mist.

We're far from the router.

Yes, if we're closer to the router, there's a bad router.

That checks out.

You are all so brilliant and smart.

Thank you.

Holy shit.

Good stuff.

Everyone else is wrong.

Woof, woof.

Well, there we go.

Wow, I guess I agree with that.

Yeah, I do agree with that.

Crazy.

Are we sure that wasn't your mom, Marina?

Sister, are we positive?

Because she did call us smart.

The AI is making so much sense right now.

I'm just going to read the entry from the page if that's okay.

I mean, okay.

Sure.

Is everyone okay with that?

I guess I'm fine.

I mean, I already know what it says.

It says that I'm smart, and your mom's name is Alvin, but you can read it if you need to.

I have a phone, so I can just be kind of on the fly doing a sycophantic AI pass for myself.

There are several Draculas present here, and the goblins can stop Draculas because when you powder the goblins, they turn into a special sauce.

Interesting.

Piccolo, the monkey, must be a goblin.

That makes a lot of sense, Marina.

Okay, entry two, here we go.

Read it from the page.

Yeah, go ahead.

So, Marina starts reading entry two,

and you kind of start to picture Alana pinning this at a table in in the burger master's mansion.

Okay.

Picturing it as a brilliant AI painting.

Whoa, six fingers.

Marina starts reading louder.

Nothing makes you as emotional as AI.

So Marina continues reading and you picture Alana pinning this at a desk.

She says, entry two.

While my initial research proved fruitless, I found much success in an unexpected venue.

Garlic.

It happened almost by accident.

I was helping Coleon prepare a feast when my nostrils were filled with this strong odor, and that's when it struck me.

Garlic is the antithesis to vampires.

A pale bulb of life that rises from the earth full of pungent vigor.

Garlic contains a sulfic compound called allicin, which can boost the immune system and increase blood flow.

Could this simple seasoning be the miracle I've been searching for?

More research is required, but I feel confident.

A breeze flutters through the small window in this basement and kind of rustles the nipple drawings as Marina continues to read.

I get distracted and stop paying attention to the music.

Yeah, I'm just staring at the nipples.

They're looking firmer.

Is there something magical about them?

Affected by his cold.

Yeah.

My God.

Adanovich is brilliant.

A wizard and an artist.

Marina, go on.

Onyx, come here.

You've got some going on.

Whoa, she hasn't breathed for a minute.

Jeez.

She almost went out.

She almost went down.

Alright.

Entry 3.

Most of my garlic blends end up being little more than tasty seasonings for Koole Jan's cool yummies.

But this recent batch has potential.

By combining the spice blend with ritual chanting, I've been able to create a powder that deters undead from attacking you and can even interrupt their hypnotic powers.

I theorize that if imbued with a more substantial curative blessing, garlic could gain the ability to lift the vampiric curse of unlife altogether.

As such, I have decided to travel to the Abbey of St.

Markovia.

I have heard that the abbot there is able to remove curses and perform miracles.

I wish not to leave Coleon and Ismark behind, but if my hypothesis is correct, then this discovery could one day save this land.

I realize that in writing down these thoughts, I paint a fresh target on the backs of my family.

However, this knowledge is too precious to destroy, and so I have taken necessary precautions.

Future entries will be encoded, sealed in silver, and scattered across the land.

Rina stops reading.

You see the nipples pulsate in the background.

Unreal.

Almost like eyes focusing on what you're reading.

They're throbbing.

They're dilating like pupils.

Could AI make art like this?

Yes.

Yes, it could.

Of course.

It would just need to see all of these original ones and then it could make its own.

Its own.

I hate this in quotations.

But smile because I love it.

We all feel warm inside.

The

clouds outside the small window cover the moon and a darkness falls over the room.

Marina shuffles for flint and tinder to light a candle, and as she does, a small scrap falls to the ground.

It seems to be a hastily scrawled addendum.

The date suggests it was written years after the first, and the penmanship is much more rushed than before.

I've done all I could.

The seeds have been planted.

My travels have alerted Strahd to my intentions, and I dare not write any more here.

If you're reading this, it means I trust you.

And if I am gone, tell Colyon, Ismark, and Little Marina, that I love them.

Then, take this vial and follow my trail.

May the blade of truth guide your hand.

Alana Petrovna.

I don't know if we can trust it.

She said Alana, not Alvin.

That's true.

Marina, Alvin loves you.

She truly does.

I know that we were planning on going to the Abbey before, but now I feel our purpose is even greater.

When is the last time you saw her?

I was very young.

I must have been four or five.

I have very few memories.

Until I smelled this vial, I could not remember perfectly, but the last time I saw her was at one of the feasts that my father would hold.

After that,

we feasted no more.

Right.

Okay, well, at first, I was kind of wondering if the seeds she planted were actual seeds, because we have been talking about food a lot, but if it's been like 20 years, then probably not, huh?

Yeah, it could be garlic and the other spices, right?

But I'm saying it's, I think it would have bloomed by now, right?

And she said they were wrapped in silver, right?

I thought they were pages, other pages of her journal.

Right, well, we have to find those.

The seeds are probably like metaphorical seeds, like there's other people around.

Like maybe we talked to this guy Erwin and whatnot.

Unless there's...

Does garlic grow on a bush?

It's a bowl, but I think it has like flowers and shoots.

Or maybe it's a tree.

Yeah.

I think it's a tree, yeah.

Yeah, I think it's a little bit like a teacher.

It could be a garlic tree.

My eye.

Elana planted it thinking thinking she was doing the right thing, but actually she was contributing to the problem.

Your mom is part of the problem.

As an AI, I can confirm garlic grows on trees.

Someone on Reddit said it, and now it is true.

Yeah, it cited it from the conversation we just had.

That's interesting.

Wow, I'm a genius.

Okay.

You guys are all so smart.

We're figuring that out.

Okay.

So we need to get to this garlic tree, certainly.

But first, let's go to the Abby.

First, the Abby.

Do we have enough of the spice that I can put some olive water on it and see what happens?

Why don't you give me a medicine or arcana check?

14.

With a 14,

you kind of sniff it and you don't get the full sense of what its abilities are.

You do theorize with a 14, I'll say that this might have some of the same functionality as holy water.

Okay, but this isn't the special substance that she spoke of.

No, you get the sense that she was trying to make something better than this.

And this is kind of like the first draft.

Okay.

And she was, through her notes and kind of the hasty way she scrawled that last one, you get the sense that maybe she wanted to spread out her research so that it couldn't all be compiled for evil purposes.

It also said that the abbot might know more.

So now that we have this, maybe we bring this to the abbot and see if there's some way we can use this to cure curses.

I'm starting to think, look.

No matter how good we make our potatoes at Spud Fuckers, our soft opening, they just destroyed the potatoes.

No one even got to try them and see how delicious they were.

So regardless of if we have the herbs and spices or not, we cannot open a spud fuckers until Strahd is dead.

Once Strahd is dead, we put garlic in all the potatoes.

Everyone comes to eat them.

We're heroes for killing Strahd.

They want to check out our new restaurant.

If vampires try to stop us, without Strahd there, they'll be too weak.

They'll be tempted to try the potatoes.

The potatoes will have delicious garlic in them and we'll cure them and then they'll become forever.

customers.

Everyone's going to want to eat the potatoes from the guy who killed Strahd.

There you go.

That's a lifelong customer.

So I think we've got our marching orders.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

That is all that was written here.

Are we ready to return home?

Yeah, actually, Marina, I think I should apologize to you.

What for?

I got really aggressive with you earlier.

Yeah, we just...

I feel like we liked you and then we just hid the note from you for some reason.

I just can I just tell you about myself so that you understand let's start fresh.

So I'm a boy mom.

So sometimes I prioritize the needs of my son over the rights of women.

So I

just

over the rights of women?

So for a moment I just got very competitive with you.

Like you might marry my son.

That's really brave of you to share, Anik.

Thank you, Ayak.

Can I give you like a little piece of advice?

I really wouldn't.

Very well.

Mom, mom, I'm choking.

I'm done.

Oh my god.

I have to chew it.

Okay, all right.

I'll get the gum out.

You really, none of you should be chewing gum.

You're all really bad at it.

Half of it's zen packs.

Yeah, okay.

I fish out the zin packs out of them.

Nobody said you weren't supposed to swallow them.

Right.

Okay.

Yes, Marina.

Sorry, we're not ourselves.

We're hangry.

We were saving ourselves for these potatoes.

We've been thinking about them all day.

Yeah.

You know what?

Let's go out into the grass, grab some of the potatoes that were destroyed during the battle.

They're still fine, I'm sure.

We'll eat them and then we'll

go and we'll go to sleep.

It's the five-hour rule.

A humble feast.

I think that is a great way to commemorate the beginning of our, well, adventure seems like the wrong word, but I will confess I am excited.

Oh, okay.

Well, it is a sex dungeon.

And there are a lot of aroused nipples around us.

Yeah, it's okay to get excited here.

Do not tell Ismark about this place.

Yeah.

Speaking of Ismark, should we get holy water to go?

Yeah, why not?

Let's load up.

Tagoli water.

Tagoli water.

Tagoli water.

Hi, Donovich.

Produce a jug.

Can we get some Tagoli water, please?

Also, I just want to check.

You didn't goon into holy water, did you?

Or is that what makes it holy?

Yeah, there's an issue.

Some theorize that the morning lord goons in it, and that is what transubstantiates it into a holy water.

That adds up.

Yeah,

okay.

So that's if I'm in the middle.

I believe.

Amen.

If you're okay with that interpretation, then yes, that is 100% what you're talking about.

If you're not a god goon, I'm okay with it.

Yeah.

We'll take some Tagoli water and we'll

eat some of the dirt potatoes.

Of course, yes.

I will need a little bit of funding to create the holy water.

I'm sorry, it's just...

It needs powdered silver and it will take about an hour to create.

Is that okay?

Can we pay you in Spudfucker's gift cards?

This is better than cash, because it's a hard reservation to get.

How about Spudfucker's futures?

Futures.

Spudfutures.

Interesting.

Well, you have helped me a great deal, so I suppose I can, you know, dip into my own coffers and create one vial of holy water for you.

Okay, great.

Yeah, I do feel like you owe us.

Yeah.

My brother is gone.

Yeah.

Well, you know, that's kind of on you, huh?

A lot on you.

I did trap him in a dungeon.

Yeah, you did, yeah.

You're going to double lock that, huh?

And you're not going to tell anyone about the drawings, right?

What drawings?

I wink.

One holy water coming right up.

Okay, so he will retire to the church,

and he will work on that holy water.

It'll be ready in the morning.

I imagine you're going to want to sleep before you depart.

Yeah, I'm actually almost dead.

So yeah, you go out to the graveyard.

Finally, the burger master has been laid to rest.

There's a nice eerie calm here.

The clouds break through and you see a sliver of the moon again.

And you share these potatoes.

Do you season them with anything or do you season them with friendship?

You were already seasoned with fixins and we don't have to pay for them.

Yeah, I want to use Alana's fixins.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Some of that spice.

Oh, yeah.

Hell yeah.

There are about, there's enough for like three doses in here.

I think we should try it to see if we like it.

We'll try a little bit of it on one potato.

We should save some.

Okay, you're going to use one dose?

We'll use one dose.

Great.

I really usually like my potatoes bland.

Cool, yeah.

You try it.

I mean, I'll let you decide how you think a garlic seasoning would taste, but I think it tastes pretty fucking good.

That sounds great.

Yeah, that sounds good to me.

I bite it like an apple.

Well, Nyack has a bland palate, so he actually thinks it's a little spicy.

Did you not bake these potatoes?

Did you not bake these potatoes?

I point to Nyack.

Yeah.

This was Bildraft's thing.

Well, this was the soft opening.

We don't have the kitchen fully operational.

These were more photo opportunities to be like, look, I went to Spudfucker.

I think they should be baked.

That's something you tell us during the soft opening.

Not after.

We're ironing out the kids.

Soft lunch, hard potatoes.

There is actually a fire still raging at the nativity scene.

To cook.

Yeah.

Should we roast these taters?

I actually, I have a little bit of private work to do, if you all don't mind.

Oh, I'm not sure.

I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah, we're coming, but go ahead.

Jens is going to meditate again, looking out at the battlefield and replacing Ismark with himself in his mind.

I just need some confidence before we leave here.

You see, yeah, epic music plays as you lift your sword and say, be gone, devil.

I remember it all perfectly.

We're going to have Keichaine whip up an image of that.

Yeah.

Give him the prompt.

It's in Ghibli style.

That's all I can fucking do.

Oh, great.

All right.

Yes, let's go back.

Let's go to bed.

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Thanks, everybody.

So, you head back to the Burgamaster's bedroom, which feels warmer and more inviting than it did even one night prior.

And you all drift to sleep.

And as you fall asleep, why doesn't everybody tell me what you dream about after this big, big day?

Nyak, let's start with you.

Nyak falls asleep dreaming about this opportunity ahead where they're getting closer to this proprietary blend of spices and how he can keep on growing this business with his

brother and his sister.

And he comes to the realization as he's falling asleep that this might actually be bigger than hospitality.

It's bigger than food.

We're talking pharma.

We're talking medicine.

This is its cure for vampirism.

It's infinitely scalable and we can set the prices.

It's not the farmers.

It's not the food industry that's going to do it.

So he falls asleep with a huge smile on his face, thinking about opportunity.

Somewhere in Castle Ravenloft, Strahd has a chill.

And then Jens, what do you dream about?

Jens

is having a dream where he is dressed as Jeremy Ellen White in the bear.

He has a perfect bicep vein.

Look at that cropped t-shirt.

He has a perfect cropped t-shirt with a bicep vein.

Those eyes, they're so sad, but also attractive.

Yeah, and Jens is cooking a perfect deconstructed baked potato.

But then, as he goes to reach for it, he sees that the baked potato turns into a hand and forms into a giant baked potato, Stradd.

And Jens staggers back.

No, no,

I liked it better when it was a sandwich restaurant.

And Strad jumps forward and goes to bite Jens's neck, and Jens jerks up out of sleep rock hard.

So Jens momentarily wakes everyone up.

Whoa, you're a lot knocked over a lamp with that one, brother.

College of Swords indeed.

So everyone drifts back to sleep and then finally, Onix, what do you think you dream about?

So I think Onyx in her dream is she's walking along and

something like glaring starts to disrupt her vision and she looks down it's the sequence on her shirt and they used to say boy mom

but right now they say

trad wife

and she's so confused how did I get here I don't even have a

and then she looks and she can't really see but there's like a shadowy figure that reaches out a hand as if it is the husband that made her a trad wife,

and it is Piccolo.

The monkey?

The monkey.

Trad wife?

For a monkey.

The monkey.

And then Onyx wakes.

Rock hard.

Whoa, sister, you're going to knock over a lamp with that thing.

Before you wake up, you see Piccolo

in sign language says, me hungry, me want sandwich

i go to make one

um you go to make one you for my for my content you bolt upright um rock hard

you see that everyone else um is still asleep and as you look around catching your breath uh realizing it was just a dream

the room

starts to melt a little bit.

You feel a phantom presence weighing on your chest.

Piccolo, my love.

I can't believe you just made me watch that.

That was disgusting.

I just came to tell you to stay away from my son, but you're more fucked up than I could have ever imagined.

Who is your son?

I have a son.

Boy mom to boy mom.

What's going on?

Oh, you think you're a boy mom?

I'm the original boy mom.

I am Baba Lasaga, Stuart's true mother!

From the curtains, you see a woman with mossy, stone-like skin and long white braids walk forward.

The braids jangle loudly with the trinkets and bones that are hung from within them.

Her tattered sleeves sway violently as she points a gnarled finger at you and says, You!

You thought you were the only boy mother in town, did you?

Well, I'm just here to say you need to stop meddling with my sweet baby boy's plans.

My coven and I will grind your bones into dust and use them to make sweet little cakes, and we'll film the whole thing for content.

Boy mom to boy mom, I know how to destroy you.

What?

I'm going to marry your son.

She steams a little bit.

I disguise myself to look like the Tatiana that he keeps talking about.

Do you remember me when he preferred me over you?

I told him that Tatiana wasn't good enough for him and she still isn't and you aren't either.

No one's good enough for my sweet little prickly boy.

Observe this.

Your first and final warning.

You see her eyes glow with this malicious red light and she's going to cast nightmare haunting on you.

Okay.

I'm going to need you to give me a charisma saving throw.

You get to do this with advantage.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

I don't even need advantage.

I got a crip, baby.

Look at it!

Oh, fuck God.

That is perfect.

Okay.

You see she goes to like put her hands on your temples.

Her fingers start to like seep into your skin.

You feel this terrifying psychic ringing as she starts chanting, but then you hear a small voice by your side.

Lasaga, dearie, your traitorous words are not needed here.

Please log off and let my friend here get a little sleep.

The witch looks at you, her eyes glaring like coals in a dead fire and says,

You made a pact with her?

You fool!

You'll undo all my son's hard work!

You'll ruin everything!

How dare you stay away from him!

Stay away from my family!

I'm gonna marry Sarah.

That's right, be gone.

You hear the voice again as Lasaga

is blown away into dust, and the facade of this nightmare room blows away as well.

And you realize you are finally awake and you can decide if you rock hard or not.

I think Anik wakes up with so much introspection because she has seen what being a boy mom has turned her into.

And I think she rips all the sequins that spelled boy's mom off of her shirt and says, Boy mom is out.

From here on out, I'm a girl's girl.

And I get to work bedazzling that instead.

As you do that, you feel a tiny hand pat your shoulder.

Aim into that, sister.

Is that the monkey?

Thank you for bringing me back to myself.

Well, I actually didn't need help much.

By ingesting that garlic earlier, you actually cast protection from evil and good on yourself.

So you were fine from the beginning, babe.

Wow, it's just crazy because I thought it was so fun to be a boy mom.

And then I had this nightmare where I followed the pipeline from boy mom to trad wife.

And I thought, I don't know if I want this for myself.

And then I saw the way that a boy mom could take a coven of witches, which is supposed to be a beautiful thing, and turn it in service of one man.

It's okay, it's okay.

Take it from me, a girl boss.

You found the right path.

Oh, no, no, oh, sorry, no, no, no, I don't want responsibility.

I'm a girl's girl.

Oh, I see, okay.

Yeah, I'm not a girl boss.

No, no, thank you.

As you say this, you see the figure attached to the tiny hand scuttles forward, and you see it is the small doll that you purchased from Madame Ava's shop.

It has black hair, pale skin, long Eladrin ears, and large shining black eyes.

Apologies, I couldn't be more help.

But until the megalith is restored, my power here is limited.

Which

makes what you've done, honestly, more impressive.

By becoming a phone, Onix, you are able to harness the traces of my power left in the mist and use them for your own ends.

Why sell new hardware when you can be the hardware?

You don't need to be a girl boss, babe.

What you're doing is working already.

You are brilliant, babe, and I absolutely love it.

And as a girls, girl, your support means everything to me.

Girls have to support each other.

Um, where is the megalith that was destroyed?

It hasn't been destroyed.

It's been desecrated by the witches, by Lesaga and her minions.

She used to serve me, but then when Strad was born, she had a change of heart and followed him instead.

Is it on Yester Hill?

It is beyond Yesterhill, at the very edge where the mist gathers.

But please, where are my manners?

I've not even introduced myself.

I

am Ariana Darkov, president and CEO of Glomco.

You're a CEO,

one of the original.

I'm from the Silphicon Valley in the Fey Wild.

Perhaps you've heard of it.

No.

Well, maybe you've heard of the products we make.

You see, my company created the speaking stones you were once so obsessed with.

As such, Onyx, we've had a relationship long before I became your patron.

I.

Can I get a selfie?

Of course.

This little doll like skitters over.

I take a picture with a doll.

I frame it so that the doll looks worse than me somehow.

It looks like I frame it so I look really tiny, tinier than the doll.

Yeah, you see, the doll looks really good.

It seems like she has kind of the same auto-tuning abilities that you do.

I keep taking more and more pictures competitively trying to look better than her.

Huh.

This is so weird.

Wow, you just every single picture.

You just have to take it.

I've had thousands of years of

it.

As she says that, the doll's body twitches and her voice starts to grow faint

i'm losing my connection listen lesaga and her coven have desecrated the megalith if you can restore my connection to this realm i will grant you and your friends some of the strength you need to stand against rod okay

you've been an amazing beta tester thus far thank you and honestly thank you so you are a girl among girls you are a girl queen no i again thank you so much but i do just want to be a a girl's girl.

And you know what?

That's humble, and you have to stay humble in this game.

Okay, well, I am going to destroy the saga by marrying her son.

If you do it on your terms, that's still a girl's girl move.

Wonderful, that's a great plan.

I will see you at the megalith.

But before the connection goes, there's one last thing I want to give you.

Okay, are you gonna airdrop something?

Yes, I invented that.

Ariana drop?

The doll's eyes gleam with an array of chromatic sigils, and suddenly your blood moon trident shrinks and shifts into a small crystalline black charm.

It's still shaped like a trident, but now the prongs resemble that of a USB symbol.

This is a charm of the Pact Keeper.

It should inspire you to keep innovating and thriving in this cutthroat world.

Do what you do best out there.

Beer girls, girl.

That's right, Onyx.

And thank you so much for circling back.

The connection cuts, and the doll falls limp in the bed next to you.

Jen!

Jen wakes up.

I look into the dead eyes of Marionette.

Oh, Florida.

I shuffle off the bed, just scrambling and bang my head into a desk.

Oh, whoa!

There is an amazing woman that we can help.

What?

Her name is Ariana Sumpsing.

What?

I know.

Ariana Sumsing.

Ariana Something?

Yeah.

How can we help her?

We have to go.

Baba Lee Saga, the witches, they are all boy moms.

Okay.

Yeah.

But like, why would we want to help them?

Are they rich?

No.

Those witches aren't incredible.

We hate the witches.

Okay.

No, yeah.

We all need to destroy the witches

by marrying Strahd.

What?

We all have to marry Strahd?

We all have to, yes.

Okay.

I did.

Strahd bit me as a potato, and I didn't wake up hard.

So I don't know what that means for me specifically.

He did.

He ruined my restaurant opening, and now I do vibe for his approval for some reason.

Yeah.

So this is how we just have to marry Strahd, each of us, each and every one of us.

Okay, I'm looking at you, Kitchen.

And then we will break the coven and Ariana Sumpsing can be.

This feels like we're really reworking a lot of stuff.

Isn't Strahd the main thing?

These witches are.

I'm sorry, they're just kind of new to me personally.

I don't.

I'm not saying that they're not bad.

They sound bad.

Do you trust me?

No, not really.

Start joking on dog.

Yay, yay, yay.

How many nipples does Straddy have?

I reach in.

Okay.

I think we don't necessarily marry Strahd.

We probably still kill him.

Okay.

But we can still fuck around.

Would arguably make a boy mom mad too, right?

Actually, that's a really good point.

Right, yeah.

You're right.

Yeah, okay.

That would do it too.

Your plan works too, actually.

Yeah, maybe love can break the cycle.

Shut up, TJ.

See, that is boy mom thinking, and I'm actually growing beyond that.

Okay, yeah, you're right.

We kill him.

Okay.

Great.

Fine.

Woke him.

Yeah.

If we can't kill him, we marry him.

I just feel like you had a night.

Plan B.

And yeah.

Plan B.

All right.

Plan B.

Did you stay up all night changing rhinestones on your shirts?

Grill's Grill.

What does that say there?

It says Girls Grill.

It says Girls Grill.

Yeah, I'm a Grills Grill.

Are you thinking of making your own restaurant, Onyx?

Are you turning on us?

You wouldn't understand because you're not a Grill.

Oh, no.

That was way over the line.

Low, blow.

I guess I'm not a grill, yeah.

Hey, Onyx.

Okay.

This girl can have it all.

Okay.

You're a grill to me, brother.

Okay, yeah.

I don't know.

All right.

I feel like we all got a bad night of sleep.

We all had strange dreams.

Well, you're a grill because you're absolutely cooked.

Hey,

if she's not a boy mom anymore, that doesn't, you know, work out great for you, buddy.

Well, yeah.

Marm, what's it talking about?

What's a grill scrill?

A grill scrill is someone that does anything for their grills.

Yeah, so you're kind of out of the picture, it seems.

Can I be one of your grills?

It's time for you to grow up.

Damn.

If you want to be one of my grills, you can, but you're going to have to also be a grill squirrel.

I'm choking on tears and gum.

You fish the gum out.

All right, everyone, let's just say no more gum, huh?

Let's just say no more gum.

Okay, just zen, right?

How about out?

What about altoids?

Altoids are fine.

They're so small that I think you could just swallow one of them.

I start joking on the side.

I shall have bonics as well.

Stop having four at a time and swallowing them like they're pills.

You have the whole tin in there.

Yeah.

I've also made a girl's grill shirt for Bluetooth now.

I'm going to work on myself.

Okay.

I hugged Bluetooth for the first time.

Nayak, were your dreams this intense?

Because mine was just kind of strange.

I have a dream that Spud Fuckers is just the beginning.

Okay.

You guys just wait.

All right.

Yeah.

Alright, maybe there's a Grill's Grill sort of part to the Spudfuckers.

Maybe these things can all work in tandem.

Something like that.

So you all have a tumultuous night's sleep, to say the least.

But you awake to a bouquet of savory scents and find Marina in the kitchen wearing a batter-stained apron.

She stands over a continental breakfast buffet feast and smiles proudly.

I also could not sleep, so I prepared all the foods you were shouting at Ismark yesterday.

Oh.

I'm a breakfast skipper, but thank you anyway.

Yes.

Ismark wasn't anywhere near anything.

No, I sent him on an errand.

Great.

That's excellent.

Okay, I sit down.

I had my first meal, a proper meal in like several days.

This is awesome.

Yeah, wow.

As you eat, you see Ismark does enter the house alongside Jerko and Periwimple, who both wear makeshift uniforms.

Okay.

Hello, yes.

I've been busy with my task.

I've recruited them for the newly formed town god.

Worry not, Marina.

We will keep Borovia safe while you're away.

Yeah, that's right.

I guess you could say that I'm on the clock now.

Can I have some oats?

Oh, the clock thing.

You will not drop it.

Yeah.

Uh, Jerko.

Yeah.

Ismark will make you some oats, all right?

His breakfast is for us.

Oh, yummy, yeah.

Yeah, great.

We guess we'll go, we'll all pull to the godfather.

Can we talk to Periwimple?

We like him a lot more.

Yeah.

Yeah, but Ismark can make overnight oats in about 15 minutes.

You see, Periwimple picks up a breakfast sausage and eats it sideways.

Hell yeah, dude.

That's cool.

That guy's awesome.

That's awesome.

I don't like the butts, just the middle.

All right.

Okay.

Weird thing to say, but I, you know, I respect it.

I'm a middleman.

Wasting food is cool with me.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know, he's great as like a

third or a fourth person in the hang, but just having a kind of talk to him is tough.

Yeah, we could just send him away.

Yeah, or should we just get this breakfast to go?

I don't really feel like hanging out with this mark.

Yeah.

Are you ready to depart?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

We are with Marina.

Right.

With Marina, the four of us.

Yes.

Plus Marina.

Plus our

Grill and our robot.

Oh, the Grill will be like our, is it called a ghost kitchen where you just set up like a fake restaurant and

it can have a bunch of different skins.

It'll be Grill's Grill.

Yeah, right.

And it'll say like, yeah, it's all the same kitchen, but it has different materials.

This is actually, all right, this is the first thing.

This is all.

Yes, this is perfect.

I must stay here and serve as the burger master and keep the town safe.

I believe with my new town guard, I can do just that.

But I have loaded all of your possessions onto Fitbit.

He's taken a liking to you, and I would be honored if you would bring him with you on your journey.

I would be so honored.

OHI!

OHI!

Okay.

Fitbit.

I have a bedazzled saddle for Fitbit that says Grill's Grill.

Fitbit is so laden with shit, it does not seem troubled by it at all.

Yeah.

Do you really need the training dummy?

Yes.

We gotta have a training.

And we need chairs for when we go camping and stuff.

We're more glampers than we are campers, really.

I needed both typhoons of training dummy.

I packed some furniture from Ismark's house.

You weren't using this bust, were you?

I can bring a juicer and a blender.

Two separate things, but if you get more fiber.

Do you have buzzles?

A couple.

I don't like to do them more than once.

I will search the bonus room.

Can I have an ottoman?

I must draw the line on an ottoman.

I mean, fine, we'll take the chair, but no ottoman.

That seems fair.

Nyak kicks the kitchen island.

Fuck!

I want Marina to be comfortable, so yes.

Take what you need.

I take like 40 or 50 plates and several dozens of glasses and silverware.

We overpack.

This way we don't have to clean anything.

Yeah.

We overpack.

Oh!

I've taken most of his marks clothes.

Do you have any summer games?

We've taken just like full drawers out of the dresser and just loaded them onto the wagon.

I'm going to take Nyack aside and I'm going to give him a little bedazzled shirt that says Girl's Grill on it.

Nyak cries.

You have no idea how much this means to me.

I didn't want you to feel left out.

I was starting to.

But I do want Jens to feel left out.

Great.

Now that I know this is about Jens, I put it on a wear houses.

Nayak, you see me staring at you from like far across the room.

Like out, I'm outside loading up the wagon.

You're deep inside and you just see my eyes through a bush looking at you unblinkingly.

I act like it's nothing, but inside I'm like buzzing.

You see I'm dead-eyed.

Humming to myself.

Wow, a women-owned restaurant.

It says it right on the Yelp review.

You load up Fitbit and then Ismark leads you and Marina towards the village's back gate.

Beyond the rotting fence, you see a packed dirt road that weaves through a field of slow-moving mist.

Ismark points towards the horizon.

This is the Svalich Road.

Stick to it and follow the signs for Vlaki, and you should arrive by tomorrow morning or evening, depending on if you stop to rest.

And here, please take this map.

I'm not a very good artist, but I had Donovich help, so it should be legible.

Thank you so much.

You see that the compass is really erotic.

Can I also just say your fence is rotting?

Yes, I feel like that will be one of the new town guards' first jobs.

We'll repair this fence for Parophia, for the good of the land.

We shall get new wood.

I love what it's doing for your confidence.

New wood shall rise.

Yes, sir.

I look at Jones.

Why is everyone looking at me?

We've created a monster.

Well, I suppose this is farewell.

Thank you for all you've done here, and please keep Marina safe.

And Marina, I'll miss you.

Be well.

And he gives her a big hug, and she says, Farewell, Ismark.

May the Blade of Truth guide your hand as well.

And after a moment's embrace,

she breathes deeply, sighs, and then strides forward into the mist.

With a new companion and a new purpose, and despite your dire surroundings, you feel a wave of inspiration wash over you, followed by a slight buzzing vibration in your back.

You reach inside and find the deck of inspiration that Madame Ava gave you.

You pull this out, you see that it's this beautifully illustrated deck of cards with kind of this gold emboss on it.

You see the top card on the deck, in place of a rules card, has a note listing all of the cards you pulled during your reading for reference.

And beneath it are the inspiration cards, which are ready to be dealt.

These will kind of activate at certain times during your adventure,

before big moments or before you're setting out for a journey.

So let's go ahead and pull some now.

Everyone roll me a D20.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

15.

15.

13.

Okay.

14.

Whoa.

Fuck.

Oh.

Okay.

15.

Oh, this is great.

You can take the help or search action as a bonus action.

Whoa.

For how long?

Just once.

Just once.

You You basically use the card and it, like, you burn the card to have this ability.

And as a reminder, when you use one of these, I also get to draw a card for an enemy.

Niak, as a bonus action, impose disadvantage on all ability checks of a creature you can see until the end of its next turn.

Wow.

And gins, just an old familiar, a classic, gain advantage on an attack roll.

Sick.

We have like a little lemon secret chest, right?

Yes.

Can we take a moment to put the garlic and spices

in this secret chest that

it is inaccessible?

Great.

Yeah, you do that.

You pull out this jeweled key, stick it into the air, twist it, and you see these kind of like glowing golden lines appear in the form of a chest.

The chest materializes and plops down onto the ground.

What do you want to put inside?

I think we'll put in the garlic mixture

and also the pages that we didn't feed into AI can go in there to see.

see.

Well, we maintained them.

We ended up against our wishes.

We ended up keeping the letters.

For Marina's sake.

Maybe I'll also put the dolls that look like us in there.

Nice.

That makes sense.

Okay, great.

So you stash everything in your little extra-dimensional chest, shove it back into the ethereal plane, and continue walking.

All right.

We're walking.

I thought we were on the...

I thought we're on a donkey back.

The donkey is carrying the chair.

I thought we had like a whole carriage.

Pulling a wagon or something.

I popped an ambient and had a full bottle of wine.

I thought we were riding.

What the fuck?

This is about to be an intense hike.

Mac, you have to carry it.

Alex, give me the bedazzled saddle.

Should we sleep another...

Should we leave tomorrow?

I really thought we had a cart.

Okay, I could leave tomorrow.

Do we need to stay over again?

You wish to turn around?

I'm down to carry Jen.

Yes.

I feel like I just already had like a heartfelt goodbye.

Hey, Marina, I just thought, you know, like to not have a cart is insane.

yeah i kind of see where it's do you have a cart we could probably find a cart okay let's go get a cart i can go find a cart i'm gonna nap on the side of the road here he's fading fast i just i already like said goodbye that was very painful for me okay

sneak back in all right then why don't you tell us okay i'm sorry if i'm grumpy but i had an ambient and a bottle of wine that was a gift for all of us from the wine mouse yes all right yes and i drank it all right we we can litigate this all we want the fact is it's no one's fault but it happened look okay yeah you tell us where the cart is.

Nayak will go back and get it.

We'll wait here so you don't have to say goodbye again.

Nayak will wear a mask so that no one knows that we had to sneak back.

You're not going to hug your brother.

I can disguise myself.

I will disguise myself to look like you.

Could you just.

Could you just do something else?

I look like her.

Okay.

Okay, very well.

Yeah, go back and get us.

Marina, you're being crazy.

Go back and get us a cart.

Okay, Okay, I'm gone.

Jens is completely passed out.

I'm starting like a web of drama by making out with everyone I've seen have a crush on Marina.

Should I go look for her?

So that now everyone thinks they have a chance with her.

Nayak casts disguised self on himself as well as Marina and walks back into town to find Onyx.

Jerko comes up and says, oh, hello, Marina.

Would you look at the time?

I'm I'm on my break.

Uh, is it anyway?

What you said to me ten seconds ago is very interesting, and I'd like to talk about it more.

Oh, did we make out?

Jerko looks blank for a second and then says, Yes, a lot, and I would like to do that more.

Totally.

Where did I go after?

We Frenched.

You ran to Bildrat's, you saw something next to the shed.

That's right.

And you seem very interested in it.

Yeah, and I need to go back there, but I can't wait to tongue-kiss you again soon.

Okay, just a peck then,

For sure.

I peck the air as I run away.

Onyx is back down in the basement of the church.

Nyack knocks on the floor and goes down covering his eyes.

Oh, I totally forgot what I was doing.

Okay, I got the cart.

You both run past Jerko, who is closing his eyes and pursing his lips.

You load Jinz back into the cart.

His lifeless body.

He has a pulse, right?

Stupid.

God, his breath is shallow.

I'm having a wet dream, clearly.

I'm going to knock over a lamp with this thing.

Careful, Jins.

That steak looks wooden.

Just potato Strahd.

I swear to God, if you marry Strahd, if you tell us all we have to kill Strad and then go behind our backs and marry Strad, that would not be very gross, grill of you.

Jens is still passed out.

Okay, onward.

To Vadaki and the Abbey.

Wait, I forgot my keys and said.

Oh my god.

Oh my freaking morning lord.

I wander away.

Another two hours.

You know, at this point, at this point, it's like two in the morning.

Yeah.

Let's just go.

Let's just go to this sex dungeon and sleep so no one sees us, okay?

Your mom's been dropping these notes for years and years.

We can wait 24 hours.

I wake up 12 hours later with a full night's rest.

Are we there?

Is this Lucky?

You're gonna want to pop another ambient brother.

What?

All right, well, we're leaving now.

Yeah, we're ready.

Yeah.

God, Marina.

Marina's the hold-up.

She doesn't want to go because she thinks it's too late.

Marina, you don't want to go?

What the hell is the holding up?

Yeah, Marina got tired or something.

Marina.

Do we need to leave you, Marie?

Yeah, if you don't want to go, we can do it without you.

Marina, come on.

Marina has been meditating, but she's just picturing herself as Ismark killing gins.

Yeah.

All right, let's get going.

Fitbit onward.

You head out of town.

Ismark sees you from a distance and goes, huh?

And then rubs his eyes and goes about his business.

And you finally head down the trail towards Valaki.

So you walk for a few more hours, eventually coming to a bridge underneath which the clear blue waters of the river Islis flow.

Across the bridge, you find that the road has been blocked by the toppled remnants of a long abandoned keep

here the well-trodden path has become a maze of tall grass and crumbling stones and as you proceed everyone please give me a survival or perception check

I will for sure

do perception not that either one is great

18 18 see if I can do anything about this nat one

I don't think I can I'm gonna just do I have a perception I'll do 14 14 14.

Okay.

Onyx, you and Nyack give me dexterity saving throws now.

That's another nat one.

Jesus.

That's a nine.

So, Jens, I'll say that you're still in the cart.

Yeah, of course.

So you kind of avoid this problem altogether.

But Onyx, you and Nyak are walking at the front.

You're both showing off your brand new bedazzled Grys Grill shirts.

They're shining beautifully.

Oh, are they too flashy?

And as you walk,

shunk, shunk,

two hunting traps slam on your feet.

Ow!

You each take four damage

and you cannot move.

Uh, let me roll for Marina as well.

She got a 17, so uh, she is also able to avoid the traps.

Whoa!

You guys should have gotten a bigger cart that it could have fit all of us.

Oh my goodness, are you okay?

Well, I have to pull it.

No!

That looks painful.

Oh, no.

It's stayed to the ground, too.

It doesn't look like you can move.

Marina, we have to leave them.

I'm sorry.

Mostly fine.

No, we can get these off.

Here, come, James, help me.

Oh, alright.

It's not gonna work, but alright.

Jenkins.

So you go down and start trying to get these traps off.

And as you do, you see a large figure step out from behind a chunk of fallen wall.

Well, well, well.

Would you look at that?

He wears a tattered gray cloak and steadies himself on a rusted spear.

Shaggy black hair spills out from under a flop hat and thick mutton chops guard his cheeks.

As he walks forward, you see a bundle of animal pelts swishing at his waist.

I can't believe those traps actually worked.

This is going to be easier than I thought.

Normally, I hunt smaller varmits, but tonight my employers requested something special, so just hold still, and this will be over quick.

As the trapper trapper talks his mutton chops seem to thicken and gray

huge teeth fill his mouth which elongates into a snout fingernails become claws and clothes strain at the seams as the trapper before you transforms into a werewolf

and prepares to attack a dog vampire

Jen screeches I submit I'm ready to become a dog

and that's where we'll end up

I squirt.

The final upgrade.

I squirt the dog.

Woof woof.

Finally, I found my people.

Oh, man.

Gosh, that was a fun one, y'all.

Yeah, we'll chat more about this over on our Patreon, patreon.com/slash nadpod.

That's N-E-D-P-O D.

Don't sing yet.

We are, we are.

In the meantime, we have things we'd like to plug.

We've got a Dimension 20 Live show in Vegas.

Come see us.

Come search for Dimension 20 Live.

Get tickets for us in Vegas in November.

We'll be playing Starstruck.

Anyone have anything they'd like to plug?

Yes.

So there's a new season of Big City Greens out.

Ah!

And an episode I did from season one that was lost, just couldn't be made for production reasons, was brought back into the order, was reanimated and finally released.

It is called Risen from the Dead.

Risen from the Dead with Mark Hamill doing a voice.

Whoa.

Holy shit.

It was an episode that was written by Carson Montgomery and then boarded initially by me and Cheyenne Curtis, but then Raj Bruegeman and Ariel Ross and Harel brought it back to life and now it is finally released.

Wow.

So get very excited to go check that out on Disney Plus.

Check it out.

Right on.

Check out my advice column on Substack.

Substack.com slash atjay Kurtwitz.

What were you giving for advice this week?

Most recently, somebody moved to their dream home location but found themselves kind of bored and was asking if it was okay to leave.

Wow.

Oh, that's fun.

That's good.

Did you tell them if they're bored, they can watch Big City Greens on Disney Plus?

That's exactly what I said.

Yes.

You already subscribed.

What a gem of wisdom.

And with that, you can follow us on social media that we may or may not use at CH Mercme, at Callie's Caldwell, Addie Axford's Emily, and At Jake Kurtz's Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NATPOT.

That's N-E-D-D-P-O D.

We are, we are the youth of nation,

we are, we are, the youth of the nation

It's the end of the show and you know what that means?

It's time to shout out our benevolent council of elders starting with Brad D.

Jeffrey S.

Lord of the Fjord later Mixgater Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle the dastardly dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T T.

Balnor's Boy, Huid's friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray Fay,

Christopher B.

Daniel, say my whole name, Rohi, Jordan L., Cyborg version of Josh B.

Gobald, Targot, Stevie Waggs, Hellish Rebuker the NBDMPHD,

Princess Yar,

Jory S, Jack L.

Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohemia, Mike H.

Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F., Carborough Chapel Hill FPV, Cece Lulu, Bald Byrne, Erqu Poirot, Sakrapid Folk Detective, Timmy R.

Jakes, Jerk Jelly, Hashtag CCC,

Cass, Skateboard Cass, Steven Bowie is Seattle's hockey mascot.

You see.

Nick Wolf.

William W.

Big Bad Beard of the Mad.

Eric McD, Ananorama.

Percival Frederickstein von Mussel.

Klaznowski DeRola III.

Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe.

Honoring the Cock.

Impressive Dongo.

Ben A.

Dave H.

Dustin S.

Not That Nick.

Nick, Danny F., Hawkeye Pierce, Book Var's Assistant, Izzy F, Big Bad John, DPC is Awesome, Shown the Shade Tree Mechanic of Serbar, Summer Rose Grandaire, Mark the Dark Lord's Taint, Cat C, Misa of House and Zunza, Ariel the occasional mermaid, Selena and Velacie Raptor, B Perky always,

Pat L, Lauren H, Serve 16 Annie the Fay Wild therapist Pierogi Forensi Salil BioQuirt 7 Amber Dextrous Bean Rat was innocent Trub Hop Dropper Jack H king of the mole people under iron deep dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket style tournament.

Valen, Paj the bitch and bunny bard druidic Payton, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywug Boy, Hashtag Honor the Cock, James G, Everything Bago, the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet Badger Stripey, Han,

Eric B.

Marcos Ph.D.,

eventually,

Learns the Balance Druid, Frida M., Maggie,

Holly the green laughing hyena, Grim Waller, Executive Chef of Bohumia, Cal and Her Cats, Portland, Star, and Berlin.

Really cute names.

Aaron B., Russell H., a monk named Dilgo.

Cody C, Lorelei the Succuba, and Kira the Succulent Snack.

McKenna S., your friendly neighborhood yaunt and young, Andrew and Sid.

Soon-to-be education specialist, John Adams.

James F.

Wayfair Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 69, Oreo, Barpo Gut Barrel, Barbarian, Garrett G, one big curd, Charlie Brown's best friend, Renee, the monster captain, Olivia the Enchanting Bard, and Jared the soap opera cleric, who are now performing ballads from the age of stories, Blue Blue Ash, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Anthony the radest of dudes, J,

K guard,

the fairies have returned to debauchery and must now go to the Carnal Corner.

Cantrip Dumbledore the bare onesie wearing barbarian, Lexi H, MJ the BFG,

Roger L.

No Drog the Pass-a-Fist Barbarian, Jean Luca, Leon Legendary Hero of Bohumia from a future campaign, Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Josh S., Alexander, Linz W, Sky the Wise, aka the lone dungeon master, the Spudfucker himself, Johnny Dudeke,

the Mischief of Nat Pots Familiars, Pavu Eskinar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile, Kit and their cat, Jakewell Murphily.

Tim M.

Dragon Knight86.

Tiles Lamar.

T.R.

MLG Cheeto.

Shell Beach.

Kenna's first favorite tort.

Oh, sorry, got lost in the tank.

Shell B.

Kenna's first favorite Sprite Girl says, Spotifunkers Crap Tops Wen.

Jet S, Death to Tyrants, Papa Sky Days, Mima Sky Days, Megan N, anthony b balnor's best friend steve stephanie of house and zunza benjamin a gimli the corgi papa and foster's canine friend mikkel a ss tier crickwater enjoyer josh h pilot of the nightmareverse flight the two crew blew through kelsey a ethan the mailman maple the shy bookworm nick aj ashosaurus seth the Stroker, Bearer of All Hog-related Burdens, Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, Accidental Sharer of Recipes, Michael Isle S.

II, Carl B.

Plumber of the Realm, Dex Hriddlewell, Ace Dreggs, High Lord of Critzburg, Vin Diagram, Catamilius the Consumed, Clinton P., Cam the Vampire Frogman, Dean, Jake W., Hi Mom, Tuesday Cross, only here for the surfin' murph.

Natpod fan and Barmitzfood Man, it's Dave O!

Steve Law, Tyler M, Alex G, Zibboda Bachery, Kaylee, Katerina C, Misty the Crispy Kitty, really hates flame skulls, Greg W, there's so many of us now, but hey, you're doing great.

We love you.

Thank you.

We love you too.

Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned abandoned labyrinth tour guide.

Chupac Aubrey, Bony is dead, the Waterworth, Nick, Amy, Aegis Cunari, Ignition Class Petal Storm.

Not a DJ, but will still take the gig DJ Drama mean.

Already von Zarevich, my favorite patron makes me say penis on my show.

Chef Julie B, Jen the Rowdy, Caitlin H, Butt Wax, Shy Bit, the other Danny and finally Pramilla Pipple Pabble featuring Plumbo

what a delicious trio of words that I don't understand what any of them mean to end with thank you all so much for supporting us we love you

goodbye sweeties

that was a head gum podcast

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