Skaldova - Ep. 12: The End

This is a head gum podcast.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign.

This is not another DD podcast.

Welcome back to Skulldoba, everybody.

Skaldoba.

It was a sad one.

It was like sad, but then it got like a little bit, like a little happier.

Yeah.

So SL new.

While I sing, I hope.

I am your dungeon master, Jake Hurwitz, here with Brian Murphy.

Big sword from the faraway fjord, Zudrick of the Murderer.

All right.

Emily Axford.

Falling in love at the drop of a glove.

It's Wellie Hampton.

For sure.

And of course, we got Caldwell Tanner.

Oh, lost all my friends, but I got some new ones now.

Lost all my friends, but I got some new ones now.

Glory, glory, Boggy Roger.

He's a part of the Carnal crew.

Go Hot Spurs.

Thank you.

Thank you for that.

Level up, please.

Level up.

Level up, please now.

Talk about it.

Make people understand.

Clarify.

He's a Hotspurs fan, so I thought I'd just, you know, give him a little something special because I care about him.

Tottenham Hotspur won the Europa League last night, and I have kind of lost my voice, so I apologize for that.

But Boggy, you are level 10 now for the rest of the episode.

Yeah, I was going to say, what was that little pander at the end?

It's exactly that.

It was a good idea.

Okay, but before we get too excited about that, how about a little recap?

Yes.

Yeah.

Last time, our three variable voyagers took their time picking up some Caltrops, but ultimately hurried out of the castle in the cave.

Drop it like it's Caltrops.

That's, wow.

That's awesome.

That's really good.

Can I be level 10 now, too?

You're level 10 as well.

Yes.

Awesome.

How is that handbrake?

Broly, let's go on a quest without Zudrick.

Damn.

You evaded a roper, rescued a second damsel, and hightailed it out of the dawnhold as it collapsed into the earth.

Boggy almost ate it, but Welly's quick thinking and magical sword kept him on this side of the soil.

Lila also almost ended up in a boggy bag before Zudrick pulled her to safety and all five of you found yourselves on solid ground.

There, you stabilized Faye under the familiar constellation marked on the the map in the Solar Knight Armory.

Zudrick recognized it as the Voyager, and you began following its light through the woods, and that is where we are now.

Come on, you spurs.

Okay, so you guys are making your way through the forest, the buzz of cicadas filling your ears as you put one foot in front of the other.

Overhead, the stars burn in bright clusters, dominating the moonless night Bulrick waited for but didn't live to see.

Looking back down the ravine, you marvel as a massive boar, oddly proud, like a wild elder statesman, rambles across the rubble.

He lowers his head somberly, then raises his tusks and releases a royal squeal, followed by a thunderous snort that echoes through the gulch.

I squeal in return.

He's gonna destroy a nearby town.

Moggy, what the fuck?

I take a knee.

My king.

Oh, what?

Oh, when you do the crow thing, that's fine, but I can't squeal.

That was just, it was just out of nowhere.

I didn't know that.

That is a dude of the devil's.

standard.

I didn't know.

Did anyone else know?

Lila, did you know?

I mean, who isn't a hog guy, right?

Which one is Boggy?

Boggy's Bod, Zoo, Crew, Welles, Fellies.

I point to each of us alternatingly.

Lila, you're actually pretty funny yourself.

That was hilarious.

All right, let's move on without answering the question.

All right, so you guys walk on.

You remember it was about a half a day's journey from Darwin's to the castle.

Oh, geez.

So are you marching through the night?

I'm so freaking tired.

I am quite tired.

How's everyone feeling?

Yeah, should we camp here or should we try to hoof it to Darwin's?

Can I look at Faye and see if she has a whole day's travel in her?

Yeah, you can give me an insight check.

Oh my God, that's insane.

19.

Wow, insane, Emily.

One of the numbers on the dice?

No, what's the 19th?

Holy shit, insane.

Second highest number with modifiers.

Freaking insane.

Crazy.

Freaking insane.

Dude, that was nuts, Emily.

Absolutely epic.

I thought you got like a 29.

What the hell was that?

Mental.

Absolutely mental.

Yay.

Can I just say, I don't think Willie's can get a 29.

It's not even possible.

I know.

You should probably use a tactical mind.

Yeah.

I got an 18 out of the dice, and then I have a plus one to inside.

That's just what made it happen.

That is insane.

Now that I know it was an 18 out of the dice.

What are the fucking odds?

legendary roll over here

i mean decent right pretty good yeah with an 18 on the die that fay is fine i mean forget it hold on i'm gonna take a picture for the wall

forget it fae starts running ahead with with that high over

you you get the sense that you've stabilized her she's weak but she'll survive the night if you decide to camp she'd survive the walk if you guys press on All right.

Shall we make perhaps a stretcher from wood and timber and fallen leaves?

Okay.

For you?

I think we could all take a turn, but probably for Faye first.

Why don't we?

Look, we've all had a really long day.

I mean, day and a half, really.

Yeah, three days, really.

Three days.

Pushing forward.

Three days.

How many days has it been?

When did we first meet?

I'm so bad at telling when it's day and when it's night.

It's only been a few days.

Freeze.

easy.

Ask the crows.

I asked, I guess, Tabitha if they needed rest.

How many pecs did it do?

That's how many days it is.

You can give me an animal handling check if you want.

Try to get something insane like an 18.

I'll see if they're sleepy.

Holy shit.

Insane roll.

14.

Mad laugh.

Oh, my God.

Dude.

Sorry.

I don't know if that breaks your game or what.

Did you level up secretly to level 10 as well?

Sorry, man.

I don't know.

I feel like like I'm a rogue with expertise.

Oh, my God.

It was a DC-12 check.

Fucking how?

Yeah.

Just, do the birds seem tired?

I don't know.

Yeah, the birds, they also seem like they could go either way.

All right.

Really?

You're not helping here.

Okay.

Okay.

You know what?

I mean, there is a part of me that says, let's just get to Darwin's.

Really?

Yes.

Because we could have a nice safe.

Here's the problem of her on the fence, right?

Because I had the opposite thought of like, we're going to show up in the middle of the night.

Darwin's going to be sleepy.

Then we're going to be on like a terrible sleep schedule sleeping during the morning.

So Drink, if you're tired, you can just say so, man.

Okay, what about we do rock parchment swords?

Let's do rock, parchment, swords.

A three-way tournament or just you two.

I'm thinking about which one is which.

Actually, a three-way tournament.

A three-way tournament.

What does Foggy think?

Me and Willie have opinions.

What's your opinion, Foggy?

I say we go back in the castles.

Okay.

Okay.

So, rock.

All right, ready first.

We'll do round to robin, and then we'll do a championship, and then we'll do sort of

an extra game to see if it'll be sort of like what, the Europa Conference, where like

if you lost in the main thing, you could still get a consolation prize.

Jake, you can just put montage music here if you want.

Yeah.

Okay, ready?

Lila goes and sits down on a log.

Rock,

parchment, sword.

Let's go.

Alright, I did a sword.

You did a parchment.

Yeah, I win.

You win.

Wait, wait, is it different?

Right, it's not a one-to-one with rock, paper, scissor.

Okay, it's not a one-to-one.

Parchment wraps around a sword.

Emily's got it.

Okay.

And then the rock is like a paperweight on the parchment.

Right, okay, yeah.

Okay, I'm out.

Oh, sorry, I lost.

I could still get second place.

Okay, yeah, so

rock, parchment, sword.

Oh, okay, so yes.

So, Boggy was.

Boggy has a rock.

Boggy has rocks.

No, no, no, because I put, no, no, I put sword.

Oh, that's a sword?

Yes.

Oh, I see.

She has her hands straight.

But her head is thin and flat, she has her hand sideways as a paper.

That's a broad sword.

Yeah.

Okay, so she has a sword.

So that's a blade.

Yeah, while he's undefeated, we're going through the night, I guess.

Okay, me and Boggy, let's figure out just who got second.

Okay, so here it says yes.

Rock, parchment, sword.

Okay, we've done it again.

All right, so you've also done the

same thing.

You've also done parchment.

I did sword.

I mean, sword, sword.

Yeah, I did sword.

Okay, so I did.

This is actually, this is my fist is balled up because I'm cheering for you because I want you to win.

So I've admitted defeat.

Oh, got you.

Okay.

Okay.

He didn't lose.

He surrendered.

Yeah, no, the rules are confusing.

All right, let's go through the night.

What do you want?

Through the night it is.

You guys continue moving along the wide footpath.

Can I do an insight check to see if Lila or Faye clocked me winning rock parchment sword?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Insane.

11.

What are the chances?

I mean, Lila watched the tournament because she's anxious to leave.

So, so tired, but also really wants to get home.

Was she trying to stifle a yawn or did she just let it out?

She let it out.

She let it out.

She tapped her foot.

She turned.

Come on.

She started meandering down the path.

Faye's been asleep.

She's missed it.

Oh, you don't like a woodland game?

Okay.

Okay, but you continue.

Faye's really shallowly breathing.

We should stop slam.

Let's hoof it.

All right, let's go.

Yeah, because I feel like it's possible that Darwin Wednesday will have like an idea of how to help Faye.

Great.

He had quite a lot of flowers about his person.

I imagine he might have some herbs that could help us.

Ooh, yeah.

Zudric Naruto runs ahead.

Great.

Thank you for that.

Welly also, Naruto runs.

Boggy skips.

You Naruto run and skip ahead, Faye bouncing in your arms as you move along the wide footpath which descends towards the dancing river.

This river, which once required a bridge or in your case, a launch, is running low.

The collapse, having sealed off black lace at its source, has made the water run clean.

The crystalline flow no longer carries the weight of the castle's corruption.

It glints in the starlight, tumbling across polished stones.

You, Naruto, run ahead, Faye in your arms, skipping over the stones as the sky overhead turns from indigo to slate gray.

And finally, just as the sun pokes its orange head above the tree line behind you, you see a thin wisp of smoke curling from the crooked chimney of Darwin Wednesday's hut.

Okay,

we're here.

Okay.

I feel like you really had a good relationship with him.

Do you want to approach the door?

Oh, okay.

All right.

Well, do we have anything we can offer him?

Sort of a like, you know, we're bringing him bread.

Yes, Yeah, his friend.

His friend who's dying that we saved.

Yeah.

I meant more like croissants.

Okay.

His friend will have to do.

Did we stop for a croissant?

I wasn't making dictionary.

I don't know if anyone was holding out on me.

Sorry, I haven't slept.

I really wanted to sleep before, and then I lost the tournament.

Honestly, I'm mad about the tournament.

You know what?

And I think, I feel like Welly might have changed the rules.

I just feel like sword cut parchment where I was wrong.

No, no, no, no, because at the Order of the Oak and Ore, we wrap up our swords in parchment.

That makes perfect sense.

Wellie.

He's really gone from clanky to cranky, hasn't he?

He really has.

Don't call me clanky.

Lila laughs.

Wellie thought of that, actually.

Which one, I say, as I've even lost.

Frederick Naruto runs at Darwin Wednesday's house.

Okay.

As you, Naruto, run, approach, he Naruto runs out to meet you, his hat flying off behind him.

I can't believe my eyes.

Did you face him?

Or are you victorious?

Not only that, look who we found.

And then I sort of prop up Faye to bring her up.

Not only did we face him,

we Faye

him.

And then I point to Faye.

Sorry, my friends are so funny.

I just, I was trying something out, and that was inappropriate.

He's gone from clanky to cranky.

That's what they're all saying.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you play rock parchment swords?

Do you have the parchments cover the swords?

Or do the swords cover the parchments?

Darwin ignores you as soon as he sees Faye.

He reaches out, holding your arms, Welly, as you cradle her frail body together.

He sweeps back her cropped hair and he rubs his thumb tenderly across her high cheekbone and he just whispers, oh, dear, dear Faye, darling.

Faye, it's me, Darwin.

Is there anything we can do?

Any herbs we can gather for you, or?

Do you know anything about this ailment?

She seems to be maybe recovering slightly better since we got rid of the black lace, but uh, you know, it's grim.

She has something unique in her spirit that she was fighting it in a way that no one else was.

And we thought maybe if we brought her to you, that you could help her fight it, and maybe you knew a cure.

As you guys stand here with Darwin arguing about the rules of rock, parchment, sword, Faye's lips part in a smile, her chip tooth barely just visible.

And Darwin, without looking up from Faye's face, he says, River Birch, almost at a whisper.

If anything can cure her, River Birch will do it.

The tree holds cleansing properties.

River Birch?

We can tap the tree and drink the sap.

Of course.

Okay.

Since I'm from the Keystone River, might I have a beat on where we could go find River Birch?

Yes, you definitely would.

This is a tree that grows near the river, which is where you're from.

And I will let all three of you guys in this morning light make a nature check.

Wellie, you can do it with advantage.

Oh, man.

River birch.

I am just so cranky right now.

Do you have coffee, Darwin?

It's just been.

I have tea.

I have tea.

Oh, tea, it's just, it's just not going to be enough, is it?

I got it, too.

I'm just rubbing.

I'm rubbing my temples.

Such drinks in a over-the-helm.

Foul mood.

I'm just going to stand over here by myself because I I just, I don't trust myself right now.

I got a 17.

Wellie, as you retrace the trail, you can see in the woods just off the path, a cluster of pale trees, their bark peeling and curling like a forgotten scroll.

This is a river birch.

I'm going to go to it.

What season are we in?

Because I'm pretty sure that in order for sap to flow freely, there's some combination of freezing and warming that has to happen.

Are we in that moment?

Wow.

That is incredible.

It's a huge coincidence.

It has been established that it's early spring in Coldova.

Okay.

First thought is that.

So it's freezing at night, but not during the day, which means we'll have ideal sap flowers.

That's tapping weather, baby.

Incredible.

Okay, well, you found this river birch, and now I will let you give me a sleight of hand check to tap the tree.

This is perfect because my runes give me advantage.

Hey, I'd tap that, right?

That's

a little crass, but but I guess it's all in good company, hall.

19.

Wow, insane.

Insane.

The rolls this episode are crazy, guys.

They're fucking nuts.

It's like a 25% chance of getting 15.

Using your runes and your sleight of hand, you get this insane check, and you watch as a bead of sap swells at your cut, clear and thick.

It builds and it begins to trickle, dripping down in rivulets as you fill.

I assume you have a glass or a vessel.

Sudrich, give me your helmet.

What?

No.

I'll give you my old gloves.

You can have one of my old ones.

Okay, that's fun.

Then we can cut a little hole and she can drink from it like a cow's baby.

Okay.

Oh, another glove.

Perfect.

Yeah, usually we fill those with rum punch, but this will work too.

Yeah.

Slap the glove.

So we fill a glove with syrup.

Tap the tree to slap the glove.

Tap and slap.

Yes, ma'am.

So you tap the sap, and then you're going to slap the sap.

You take Zudrick's old glove filled like an udder, ready to burst.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, should I prepare flapjacks to go along with this?

I was going to say, one for Faye, one for us.

Right.

Yeah.

She needs her strength.

All right.

I go into Darwin's kitchen and make a mess.

All right.

You make your way back to Darwin's, clearing boggy beelines for the kitchen inside.

One pan for each flapjack, please.

That would actually be bad because isn't the first flapjack always a little ruined?

Yeah, oh, yeah, you gotta toss that one for sure.

So, Boggy is inside, clanging and banging about as Darwin sits out front with Faye's head propped in his lap, the sun on her face.

There's a gentle wind blowing, you can smell pancakes burning inside as you all crouch down to heal.

Cedric has like a handout helping with the sort of ceremonial healing of Faye, but is panicking at the sounds Baki's making and the smell of burnt pancakes.

The thing that's worrying me is I thought that if you burnt it a little bit, it'd smell inviting like a brown butter.

I'm just worried he's going to burn down.

But it sounds

a lot more like fire.

How much sear do you like?

The regular amount, less than what you're doing.

Crispy, got it.

I cook most of my food out here by the fire.

Wait, do you not have a kitchen?

Where are you cooking?

You don't know what you're doing.

Where are you cooking, Boggy?

I make my own fire wherever I go.

All right, so I will let everybody actually give a check here.

And the amount of successes will determine how successful you are at healing Faye.

Okay.

So, Wellie, I will let you go first as you prepared this sap.

You can give me a medicine check.

Okay.

All right.

I have a plus one to that.

Faye,

get ready.

I'm I'm gonna heal you.

I say self-consciously.

Nat 20!

Girl!

Oh my god!

What are the chances?

The chances are pretty low, but

how dare you take that away?

We don't diminish the net 20.

Okay, no, that's actually insane.

Yeah, that's actually insane.

As you lower this glove, a droplet of sap falls and hits Faye's lips and her eyes go wide.

For the first time, you see they're not black and cloudy with black lace.

They are sparkling green like the open sea beyond the bay and mudtown.

Wow.

And Boggy, you emerge with your flapjacks.

I'll let you give me a performance check to see how they turned out.

Hot cakes for some hot friends.

I'm going to use my final tactile mind.

That's a 13.

Can I action surge to make the pancakes better?

Just try again.

I'll let you use your action surge.

You haven't used it.

He came out with pancakes, said we were hot, and then splinted back into the house.

God damn it.

It's barely better.

Action surge would be worse.

This is 16.

It's insane.

16.

All right.

The pancakes aren't great, but you cover them in sap and syrup, so they taste pretty sweet.

Wow.

And then Cedric, Cedric, I'll let you give the final check.

You can do survival.

Can I do animal handling?

I'll be like, don't worry, it looks kind of weird, but I was injured in the woods, and this is just part of it.

Oh!

And I try to have the birds baby bird some flapjacks in the fae.

Great.

Yeah, she's too weak to chew, but the birds chew up the bread and they can give her some sustenance.

When I would make flapjacks when I was trying to survive, the birds would chew them for me.

All right, give me an animal handling.

Oh, that's insane.

I got a 19, which is a 22.

So now you know!

Now I know.

Now you know how it feels.

God, I'd give anything.

With Wellie's nat 20 from delivering the sap with Boggy's decent pancakes and with Zudrick's method of feeding them to her, Faye feels her strength returning.

She rises unsteadily, swaying, and she looks at you before staggering back into Wellie's arms.

Both of you fall into the soft grass, pressing your backs against Darwin's ramshackle.

Oh,

Faye,

are you,

my lady?

I, uh,

oh no.

Oh no, what?

I'm going to do a constitution.

Yep, for sure.

Prepare the corner.

I actually did okay.

I dig deep.

I dig deep.

Wellie, Wellie, this is a nice lady and you're not going to ruin this.

I think that I roll over.

I save the moment of fumbling, and I roll over so that she's then lying in my lap.

And I say, You have striking eyes.

Where are you from?

Eyes like the ocean.

Faye wrinkles her cheeks.

She gives you a sweet look, and she just starts laughing.

Her laugh is infectious.

You can't help but just join in and giggle alongside her.

Hey, everyone, Zuddy, you're choking on a pancake.

Still,

even Lila is laughing a little bit.

This is an allergic laugh, you know, contagious.

Yes.

Very good.

And you guys have succeeded wildly in curing Faye from her blacklace.

Wow.

Wow.

There's hope then.

We'll have to report this.

Okay, well, I guess

we still have a matter of Lila to bring back to her parents.

Yeah.

Her dad, rather.

Indeed.

But perhaps we should secure some of the sap in the hopes that it will help the mother.

Oh, that's you're right.

Wow, Boggy, you guys are just so smart and funny.

I mean, maybe ultimately that is what being funny is, right?

Just being quick, being on the ball.

God.

I'm so tired.

I will not stand for this negative self-talk.

Yeah.

Okay.

You are just as funny, if not funnier, than both me and Bobby

combined.

Stop deeply, yes.

Stop.

It just comes from a different place.

You have to stop.

I think you're just hungry.

You need to.

Oh my God.

I'm so tired.

There's no one else talking about it.

Barry flinches.

Listen, if you're tired and you need to rest, you can rest here in the glade.

Rest in my hut or rest here on the grass.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, he falls asleep in the glade.

Yeah, I also just collapse in the glade.

Immediately start snoring.

Wow, that was so

instantaneous.

Or would you have first watched?

Make sure a deer doesn't shit on us.

Oh, my goodness.

I hope I didn't poison them.

Darwin drags your hulking body into the shade, Zeldric, because the sun was starting to bake your armor.

You see sizzling coming out from under the armor.

All right.

So you guys all get a long rest.

Wow, a midday long rest.

are circadian rhythm.

Circadian rhythm.

Oh, my mouth feels so gross.

Zudrick wakes up with a headache.

Fuck.

What time is it?

What time is it?

I'm so confused.

I had the weirdest dreams.

Really?

They were so vivid.

Yeah, I mean, we just lost the day.

I'm clammy.

I'm clammy and sweaty.

I feel disgusting.

Why did we stop last night?

We could have showed up in the morning.

We would feel good.

Instead,

go.

That was the best night's sleep I've had in years.

So Boggy wakes up.

This is so normal for him.

God.

Should we just go back to bed?

Look at the sunset.

Yeah, because we need to go.

I mean, we have to go back to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.

We can't just keep doing this.

Lila finally just goes, fuck.

Lila.

Fine.

Let's just go to sleep for the night.

Let's just go to bed.

All right.

Well, I mean, I think it would only be fair for us to perhaps sleep at your place tonight, Lila.

Yeah, sure.

You're more than welcome.

As long as we get there.

Well,

I don't really trust, like,

I whisper her mom to, like, not kill us.

So, like, I don't know that that's the best place to sleep.

Right, but you're whispering, but you didn't turn away.

Well, no, we'll not sleep there.

We'll just take the bedding and we'll take it with us back to the store.

I'm afraid we're going to to run into a situation like we had earlier today when we made the decision.

And frankly, again, I don't trust that Rock Swords parchment is played that way.

I guess

now that I'm a full night of sleep, after a full afternoon of sleep,

the time of day you play it determines what rules you're using.

What?

Okay.

Really?

Jesus just do.

That's how we do it at the bottom.

I have a headache.

Let's go back to bed.

Okay.

Let's just chalk this day up to a bust.

This day's can we all admit let's just everyone being honest right now well is this day a bust

wellie is like zudrick that's absolutely a ridiculous notion but as she's saying it she starts to fall asleep

you guys argue from the mid-afternoon as the sun sets i mean yeah we're just saying it yeah that's bog behavior right there this day's lost all right yeah i get up i have more flapjacks for dinner and then i go to bed at 8 p.m.

Yeah.

Kind of like you guys just took a red eye.

You just buzz through the day until it fades away, night falls, and you go to sleep, and you actually finally get some rest.

Cedric wakes up at 3 in the morning.

Oh!

Oh, come on!

I've been up since 2:30.

Really?

What have we done to ourselves?

I can't.

I mean,

it's the work of a sorcerer.

Do we wake up boggy or do we just hang out here for like another four hours?

Yeah, I know.

That's a really good question because, like, right now, I'm just kind of jealous that he's sleeping.

He's muttering about how comfortable he is.

He's just so well adjusted.

Is Lila up?

Is she at all up?

Can I do a perception check to see if Lila is up?

Sure.

Yeah, go for it.

Boggy's body looks like a series of mountains.

There's so many rocks under him.

I've got a seven to see if Lila's up.

She's lying down, but you have no clue.

She could easily be staring straight up at the stars.

Dudrick, what's with with you and Lila?

The two you bounce off each other.

It's oil and wine.

Oil and water.

Oil and vinegar.

Just, you know, oil and water.

Yeah.

You know, some personalities, they just don't mix.

You know what I mean?

We just don't have the same sense of humor.

So I am awake, by the way.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

It's fine.

You saved my life.

You don't have to like me.

It's not that

I just just feel like we're not for each other, if that makes sense.

It doesn't, but fine.

It doesn't.

You know, I don't.

I wish you well, obviously.

Lila, what do you think?

I don't like Darwin Wednesday that much either, if I can be honest.

I'm also not sleeping.

Jesus.

Lila, Lila, we're kind of debating if we should wake up Boggy and hit the road now.

Sure, yeah, I love that.

If we should let you know, we should take away.

boggy, boggy, okay,

this one's boggy.

It's just that she's cold.

Are you the one with the buds?

She's just kind of rude.

Up and Adam.

Bringing up the buds after they all died.

Now we rise, rise again.

Time to start the.

Oh, what time is it?

It's 4 a.m.

You're so sorry.

Ah, okay, great.

Yeah, that's normally when I wake up.

My father was insisting.

Okay, yes.

The sky has turned again from indigo to slate gray

an hour or so before sunrise.

Anyone?

Honestly, I just if I'm being if I'm being honest, I actually feel like whoa, I'm like a morning person now.

Really?

Could this be the new welly?

I get up at 4 a.m.

I do 700 push-ups.

I make a smoothie.

I don't my face inches.

I journal.

I meditate.

Yeah, this might be the new us.

Friends, this is swamp living.

You're up with the frogs, and that's the only way to live.

Wow.

Okay.

You feel like absolute shit.

Your head is pounding, but the frogs are singing a good morning song, and that's how you know it's time to start your day.

Okay, and with that.

The sky's gray.

You start your day.

Yeah, let's say goodbye to our acquaintance.

Darwin Winter.

Acquaintance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

So I just came out to send you off and tell you there's a pasture beyond this crumbling stone wall.

You can find horses in the old yards.

They still graze there.

Oh,

wild horses?

Oh, yeah.

We saw those horses on our way here.

Yes, yes.

You met me.

So, yes.

They're still there.

That's great.

There are bands of wild horses everywhere now.

Because I think our stolen horses ran away.

Let some dispatch to the wild horses.

Oh.

Anyone listening to

Jam Ben?

Dispatch?

I thought

Wild Horses was a Rolling Stones song.

I thought it was like a ring for the wild horses.

Most people have a wild horses song.

Two wild horses songs.

It could very well be.

Wild stallions from Bill and Ted.

Go on, Darwin.

What were you saying?

I'll value you as an acquaintance.

I don't know.

Those men you speak of.

I was just telling you the horses might be that way.

Okay.

Yeah.

I appreciate that.

And Darwin, are you good to take care of Faye?

Yes, she's feeling more like herself, but I imagine that returning to her full strength will take time.

And she's by the river birch here.

Okay.

Yeah.

Darwin, I wish for you to be well.

Please reach your hand into the treasure bag and just grab some shit.

All right.

Just one handful.

Go wild.

Just one handful, yeah.

Only, only one handful, right?

This is Halloween rules.

Halloween honor code.

Trick-or-treat rules, yeah.

Trick-or-treat rules.

Yeah.

Don't be the guy who takes the whole ball.

There's a lot of gold and silver in there.

Okay.

He reaches in and pulls out a gold coin.

Well, that's okay.

Well, that's, you know, that's not enough.

You know this.

You can do it.

You can double down.

I don't even know that I need it.

Sure, I'll take two.

I'll take one for a Faye.

I'll take two.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Good man.

Good man.

We're actually going to let Faye have like two hands.

We actually really like Faye.

Not that we don't like Faith.

So do I.

Any friend of Faye's is a friend of mine, even if they aren't that nice to me.

Sure.

I think we need to teach Sudi how to whisper.

The helm amplifies everything.

It does.

It's like he's a phone in a.

She and Lila have just been butting heads.

You know, it's just personality types clash.

And it's not that either of us are bad people.

It's just that we just can't stand each other.

Really?

Cedric, that feels like an escalation.

I guess at this point, he's right.

We just, you know, it's just different personality types.

Well, you know where to find me.

You can always find my smoke curling above the birch trees.

And I hope you'll come back and visit.

And I think before we leave, I'm going to give them a little sheath of paper and say, will you give this to Faye?

Just a little something to remember me by.

Of course.

Okay, thank you.

What is it?

What do you think it is?

What do you think it is?

What do you think it is?

I guess like your thing would be sonnets, so like a sonnet?

Yeah, that's it.

Nice.

Nice.

All right.

So you guys make your way past the crumbling stone walls marking Darwin's border and out in the old yards.

You do indeed find a band of horses gathered there, dusty and lean.

Maybe wild now, but once domesticated, they're still friendly.

Zudrich,

you're the animal whisperer.

Okay, I got this.

I have the crows surround them in a circle so that they're scared and all gather in the middle.

And then I Naruto run at them and try to jump on one.

I see the window closing and I think this is actually now our only shot and I do the same.

I try to breath of the wild jump on one.

It feels better if you steal them.

Yeah, sounds great.

You guys can be a group animal handling check.

Nice, okay.

Okay.

Okay, 16.

15.

19.

Okay, so these stallions start rearing up and stomping.

Zudrick has riled them up, but you're present.

I'm so sorry as I jump on one.

As you guys run towards them, the birds fly up, so they kind of calm down, and you're able to mount these horses and point them back in the direction of Mudtown.

Except, that is not exactly where you're headed.

You'll fork left where the road ends towards the Glowing Gate, the entry point to Silversand, Lila's hometown.

I've never been in Silverset before.

Have either of you?

No, I'm pretty new in town.

Yes, I've stuck mostly to the more slummier parts of town.

Lila, do we need a passport to get in?

I'm the passport.

You're right.

All right, let's go.

Very good, yes.

You guide your animals back past Darwin's house, where inside, Faye is unfurling a note written by Wellie.

Wellie, do you want to tell us what your sonnet says?

Well, it's actually just a poem.

It's not a sonnet.

Oh.

Welly's been.

Oh, you're disappointed.

Oh,

I don't know that I knew that.

I knew I didn't know there was a difference.

It was a big step for you.

I think that Wellie's been trying to squeeze herself into their traditions and their poetic meters and their quatrains and mandatory couplets.

And she was hoping if she expressed her emotions in the right way, then they wouldn't feel so wrong.

But right now, she just...

doesn't give a hoot what the order of the oaken ore thinks

right now i think she just she wants fay to remember her and more importantly for fay to remember herself all right at least the glimpse that wellie got of her yeah so it's just a poem not a sonnet

and then one day the lady fay bursts into my world

the shot she called the ender's waltz dutiful i twirl i lead the way but lady fay needs not to be saved Her eyes of green, those comely teeth, unstained by cursed lace.

Her every step, a parapet leading to the gods.

Perhaps that's why she seems to fight what others could not.

The music was a conduit for a heart so pure.

And in between, counting the beat, I wonder at her.

Okay.

You guys didn't hear any of that.

We didn't hear that.

Yeah.

So here's Caldwell applause.

Boggy's picking his nose.

As I was penning that.

That's right.

All you guys hear is the clopping of your horses, the buzzing of the forest flies.

But inside this tiny hut, Faye is reading these lines, hand trembling.

And Faye is going to give me a constitution save.

Her cheeks go flush.

She smirks to herself and Faye starts to harbor a small crush.

And you guys press on towards Mudtown.

So, you guide your animals back down the winding heather path, turning right onto the sea road, the packed dirt trail that leads through the valley of the whispered oath.

Only now, as you pass the barbed bushes and sunken stones, you wonder which night it was who died here and who it was they actually fought.

You make your left as the road ends.

The sun is high overhead now, glaring off the golden hills on your approach to Silversand.

You bounce in your saddles as the tremendous limestone wall that surrounds the town crests into view like a wave.

Archers above track your approach, and as you near, two guards at the gate step forward.

Like business in Silversand?

Oh, yes, an exchange.

Oh, Lila, you talk.

Boggy, I got this.

Boggy, they've pulled pulled their, they pulled out their arrows.

They've knocked their bows.

Oh, we've all got arrows.

Big deal.

Yeah, oh, we already killed a bunch of people today.

Okay.

As you guys start to step to these cards, Lila pushes forward.

Look, we've only had 17 or 18 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours.

So I'm a little, I'm a little overtired, if that makes sense.

You need a cake break.

Yeah.

Lila pushes to the front, returning home.

And the guards stiffen as they recognize her, shuffling back awkwardly.

A happy return, Lady Delathorne.

We do not recognize you in

your present company.

Beg pardon.

Beg pardon.

Open the gate!

As they shuffle back, chains crackle, and the great wooden barrier, braced by silver plate and polished to a sheen, groans into motion.

Lila whinnies her horse and tears through the gate as soon as the gap is wide enough.

Your mounts gallop after, flying across the clean-swept cobblestone streets of Silver Sand.

Bright houses and bustling shops whirby as you train your eyes on the rider ahead.

She bolts down a sloping path towards the glittering harbor dotted with ships.

A spray of fresh salt air hits your nose and gulls cry harshly overhead as Lila turns and rises up a brick path towards a soaring stone wall lined with ivy, a circular tower taking shape behind it.

This gate swings open as you approach and you dart through, coming to a halt in a large courtyard, immediately buzzing as the Duke's staff flies into motion.

But the return is not quite joyous.

There is a nervous energy in the air.

Stable boys, guards, maids, and more flutter and fuss, but no one approaches.

You hear anxious whispers as you dismount before a hush fills the air for a brief moment.

And then, bursting out of the castle, you see Sir Mathis Dyer.

He rushes towards Lila and almost forgets himself enough to embrace her, but stops short.

He bows breathless.

My lady, you are home.

And then, unable to contain his joy, a laugh escapes him, sudden and full of relief.

He throws his arms around each of you.

And in his exuberant embrace, his steel crunching against your own, you hear him whisper low, Her mother is not a self.

Please, you must help me.

Yes, that's why we've come.

Lead us to her.

Yeah, we've got the cure.

And I click my lance on the side of the horse.

Also, could you just maybe kiss Lila just for the shippers?

I couldn't.

Just even on the even on the hand.

Even on the hand.

Oh, come on, man.

Throw a spine.

I'm more of a, I'm a Wella Stan personally.

I look at Wally.

I blush.

Actually, no, forget.

I'm more of a Fay Dam.

Is that what we're calling him?

Faye is the way.

Look, me, just so you know, Fam Dam.

Lila and I the whole time have just been butting heads.

It's just like me and you, where you just don't get along with someone.

Who are you talking to right now?

You're just shouting.

You did throw an axe at me, to be fair.

No, that was actually me.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, I think you both threw something on.

You crit on me.

It was kind of all the fighting you've done the past couple days, right, huh?

Anyway.

Good boyfriend.

Anyway, yeah.

You got more news for us or something?

It's only proper.

He goes to a knee and kisses Lila's hand.

Welcome home.

He does a con save.

That is.

Can I give him my help actually?

He might need it.

By whispering, like if you squeeze a certain muscle down there,

you can try and stem the flow.

He kisses her hand and then goes to rise and stops himself and says, one second.

There it is.

That's a 17.

I give him a thumbs up, a knowing thumbs up.

He nods at you and Lila looks at him and she says, Mathis, it's okay.

I know.

I know my mother is gone.

And he looks down and he says, I cannot reason with the Duke, but perhaps you can hey there nadpoles this episode is brought to you by ag1 you all know a g1 you love them i start every single day with an ag1 but guess what now they are coming for your nighttime routine with a g z it is a nightly drink that helps you wind down and rest up helping your body and mind wind down before bed optimizing sleep quality during the night and helping you wake up feeling well rested and without that stubborn grogginess So check them out.

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And with that, Lila strides across the courtyard, less haste in her step now, just purpose.

She presses open an ironwork door and ascends a circular staircase.

Sir Mathis follows dutifully behind.

The top of the stairs is a vast hallway enveloped with ornate stone.

Open-air windows arc along each side.

At the end of the threshold, you see the Duke, LaDair Dela Thorne, a lean, severe-looking man, ragged with stress and lack of sleep.

Like you guys, he pulled an all-nighter recently.

Oh, geez.

That's rough.

He sees Lila and exhales, stepping forward before catching himself.

He puts his hand on his sword hilt.

Daughter, if you stand with Mathis, then I know what you intend to do, and I can't abide it.

Suddenly, from behind the door, you hear a wretched shriek, so piercing you have to cover your ears.

Lila looks mournfully into her father's eyes.

While this happens, I'm gonna

take some of this sap and coat our weapons.

Oh, I think she's beyond sap now, but you know, we can try.

I'm a romantic.

I think that the thing that saved Faye above all else was her fighting spirit, her faith.

Is there a chance that seeing Lila again combined with the sap might give her the glimmer, the spark she needs to return?

Zudric listens to the shrieking through the walls.

Yeah, I know, I think.

Zudric, I think you're right.

I think that this is more about

the Duke.

We all know what the cure is.

I tap my lips again.

I'm winking under my helmet.

As you guys debate this, an unmistakable black ooze begins seeping out from under the door behind the Duke.

Oh, yeah.

Lila says, that is not my mother.

That is not the lady of our house.

And the Duke, drawing his sword, says, She is still my wife.

Everyone, roll initiative.

Okay.

19 for Sir Wellyham Dam.

Okay.

24.

Zodra got a three.

He hesitates when he sees the guy that's supposed to pay us pull out a sword.

This is

bad for the jet jump.

So Boggy, you are first, but before anything happens, the double doors behind the Duke fly forward, sending him sprawling across the ground.

He turns to see what you are already witnessing.

The chamber behind him is a swirling cyclone, glass shattered, wallpaper streaked with black lace, and at the center of this vortex, the Duchess, floating above her bed, the canopy and sheets coiling below her like a writhing squid.

Her hair is a snarl of dark tendrils, her face inhuman, the mouth unhinged at the jaw, jagged teeth gaping like a shark.

She jolts, twitches, her arms are longer than they should be, and each one of her fingers looks like grappling hooks.

Everybody, the first thing we're gonna do is give me wisdom saves to not be horrified by her.

Okay.

15.

You all get a plus one for being around the Opal Sunshine.

16 then actually.

10.

18.

The Duke rolled a gnat one.

Oh and Lila.

She also rolled pretty bad.

Okay.

Wellie and Boggy, you see this.

Your instinct kicks in and you almost start backpedaling with your heart hammering, but then you remember who you are.

You plant your feet and brace yourself for the fight.

You're not afraid of the Duchess, not now, and you're immune to her frightful presence for 24 hours.

Yes.

But your other compatriots, Zudrick, Mathis, and Lila, and also the Duke, you've all failed.

Maybe it's too much sleep catching up with you.

Maybe it's all the teeth.

Zudric, your chest tightens, your breath becomes hurried.

You try to steady yourself, but you can't.

You are frightened of this Duchess.

I had a lot of coffee this morning, and it's just catching up to me.

Okay, Boggy, you are first to act.

I am going to take out one of my swords, my scimitar.

It's got this long, curving blade.

This is Igrit's wing, and I'm going to hand it to Lila and say, you should be a part of this, whether you want to or not.

You do not need to strike the blow, but you should be prepared.

And then I'm going to launch in, I suppose.

I'll go ahead and fire an arrow, try and do a tripping shot, just at least immobilize her.

Okay, so you hand your sword to Lila, who is shaking with fear.

She looks down, her hand trembling, and looks up at you almost like she wants to run, but you gave her just enough strength.

And Boggy, make your shot.

17.

17 hits.

17 damage?

17 damage.

Very nice.

She is slowed, so she takes 10 less feet of movement.

And also,

she needs to make a strength saving throw.

That's a 22.

Okay.

Oh,

she passes.

I thought so.

She does a great job.

But your arrow plunges into her body.

And Wellie, that's your turn.

Okay, I'm going to run in and I'm just going to take out the Opal Sun Sword and attack.

Okay.

Guessing an 11 doesn't hit, but I'm going to try to use heroic inspiration.

There you go.

Yes, 11 misses.

Come on.

Yeah, baby.

Okay, 22.

22 does hit.

The opal sunsword glows against the darkness of this bedchamber.

And I am also going to shout, invoke Hilt Rune.

And so I'll do 2d6 extra fire damage.

Nice.

Great.

21 damage.

And she has to make a strength saving throw or be restrained.

All right, you whack Lila's mom and here's her strength save.

Of course.

That's an 18 for her strength sake.

Okay, I think I'm just gonna action surge and I'm gonna just try to attack again.

All right.

That is a nat one.

Yikes.

But because I missed, my great sword has graze, so I deal damage equal to the ability modifier still, even though I missed, and that's so it's four extra damage.

Sick.

Oh, wow, that's fucking badass.

And then I'm like, okay,

now is the time.

Now is the time for a little magic, and then I'm going to mito the gods.

All right.

Get big.

Get large awesome so you swing connecting with her and then you bring the sword back up driving it towards her but she parries you go to the ground she still takes some damage and then as you are kneeling over you grow and stand upright ready to face her and that is her turn

she looks at you wellie and then pushes her arm out to the side into the hall where Zudrick is shaking with fear and you see a bolt of purple lightning streak across the hall as this room flares up in a tempest.

That is a 17 to hit you, Zudric.

That hits.

Snake Charmer.

That streak of lightning does 20 damage to you, electrocuting you in your armor.

That brings us to the Duke's turn, who is petrified of his wife, but is viewing his knight, Sir Mathis Dyer, as a foe.

So the Duke is going to step in Sir Dyer's path and take a swing at him with a sword.

And

Mathis Dyer politely acts like it hurt him, but parries it to the side.

And now that is Sir Mathis' turn.

He'll try to grapple the Duke.

He does not quite grapple the Duke, but now he was going to try to steal himself, remember his oath, and save from this horrifying appearance.

And he does.

So he shakes off his fear and he is ready to fight alongside you.

That brings us to Zudrick.

Okay.

Well, as an enemy of inanimate objects, seeing her just break through those doors has shaken me to my core.

So I'm going to go form tackle helmet to helmet the Duke and try to grapple him, I guess.

Okay.

Eight.

What's the Duke get?

Sorry, dude.

The Duke got a nat 20.

I just run in.

I run into the wall.

No.

He's a man-possessed.

He sees you charging and he kind of like cowers in fear.

So you miss.

You owe me money.

He's one of those veiny 55-year-olds.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's so vascular.

He's got grandpa strength.

And also, Zudrick, make a save to try to shake off your fear from this Duchess.

Boy, I don't have a lot of wisdom.

Got a 12.

A 12 beats it.

Thank God.

You ram your helmet into the wall, knocking yourself to your senses.

Ow!

God.

I knock a brick down.

I'm actually pretty good at breaking stuff too.

And I look at her.

You two can play at this game.

There you go.

And then I'll action surge.

Oh, all right.

I'll action surge.

Fuck yeah.

And then I will run forward and do a launch.

Great.

Yeah.

There we go.

Oh, that's a 20 to hit.

20 does hit.

20 damage.

You shake off your fear, shake loose a brick, and launch into the bedchamber, stabbing into the possessed duchess, hitting her for 20 damage.

Fuck yeah.

And that is Lila's turn.

Boggy, you handed her a sword, but she is scared of her mom right now.

She's going to approach her dad, and she's not going to do any lethal damage, but she is going to raise her sword and try to get him to lower his.

She'll make an attack.

She rolled a three.

She can't bring herself to hit her father.

They're in a standoff.

Just hold your ground.

Lila tries to appeal to him and she just just says, Braxton is dead.

Haven't you lost enough?

Just admit this is over.

And that brings us around to Boggy's turn.

Right.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to start off with a bonus action.

I'm going to cast Rally on Zudrick.

I turn to him and I say, Zudrick, you are one of the funniest people I know.

Your gift is sarcasm and a smarmy sense of charm.

Use it well, friend.

You speak your mind and you speak it true.

I do tell it like it is.

And I'm going to give you 1d8 plus 2 of healing.

Timp HP.

6 points of temp HP.

There you go.

Nicely done.

Then I will do a little side barrel roll underneath a table and I'll say to Zudric and Welly, how about we go Dutch on this one?

Because it's the Duchess, right?

Oh!

Oh!

That's okay.

It was a little lady.

It's also just like a really intense moment for a joke.

Yeah, I just don't think I got enough sleep.

Lila says, I liked it.

All right, I'm going to take another attack.

13.

A 13 misses.

Okay, well, you know what?

I'll go ahead and make that a little.

Oh, and I need to declare a lucky.

So I'll use my heroic inspiration.

There we go.

21.

A 21 hits.

Yeah, let's fucking go.

I'm going to use a trip attack as well.

Okay.

So I pull out one of my trick arrows that Dandi O'Candles made for me.

It looks like shit.

It's just got like springs and little bits of nails everywhere on it.

And I'm going to fire it right into this woman's calf.

I don't know about this prop comedy, Willie.

What do you think?

I'm loving it.

Oh, yes.

Dandio Candles made an arrow with a boxing glove on it.

And I said, that's too much, man.

10 damage, and she's going to need to make another saving throw.

That is only a 12.

That fails.

Okay.

All right.

Now that she's down, I'm going to strike her again with my action surge.

All right.

Now that she's down, I'm going to emerge from under the little table where I was hiding, jump on the bed, and then fire another arrow at her.

Okay.

Dirty 20.

That hits.

13 damage.

13 damage.

Another shriek erupts from her lips as your arrow flies through the swirling air in this room.

Terribly sorry, man.

We have an invoice for you at some point, if you don't mind.

You hit her for 13 damage as she yells through the air, and that is Wellie's turn.

And I get to roll with advantage because she's prone.

That's right.

Yes, okay.

She is wrapped up in her bed sheets, kind of losing control.

Stop dragging this out!

Not 20 Baby!

Okay, so I actually,

because I don't know if I've used this yet, I get an extra D6 when I hit because I have Might of the Gods.

So I want to roll three D6.

Whoa, okay.

So Willie just looks absolutely huge and is just destroying someone that's tangled in sheets.

31 damage.

And I get to attack again.

Because when I crit because of my great weapon fighter, I get to attack as a bonus action.

Go for it.

Okay, so 31 damage.

Another fucking crit.

Oh, yes.

I have baby die.

Gob smacked that you got this insane.

This was a die that someone sent us.

It has a little a little dragon's eye.

And I have been rolling this one and it's never made it to the final thing because it hasn't rolled spicy enough.

And today it was spicy.

Cicada's blessing.

So spicy.

23 more damage.

Wellie, as she floats in the air, you're going toe-to-toe with her, rising along with her as she's reaching the height of the ceiling of this room.

You can see her eyes filling up with blackness as she charges her death glare, ready to target a frightened creature and drop them to zero hit points but you drive your sword up through her chest up against the ceiling before she has any more time to do any more damage and you can finish her oh

okay i think that wellie has

the desire to just push her out the window to prevent lila from having to see her mother like this but i think she knows that that's lila's choice not hers.

So I think I'm going to remove my opal sun sword from her windpipe, trying not to behead her, of course.

And I think I'm going to shout to Lila, Lila,

it's been done.

I don't know if anything of her remains, but if you had, you know, any unfinished business or closure that you needed, maybe now.

She turns from the fight with her father.

She casts her eyes just at you, not at the monster that you've just killed.

And she says, I thank you, Sir Wellie, but my mother was long dead.

All right.

I throw this heaping mass of cursed black lace out the window.

I run over and just help drop kicking.

You're getting it on the way.

Oh!

The thing that Lila's mother became is dead.

You throw it out the window.

You guys are victorious.

And with that, we are going to cut two

one day later.

The three of you have leveled up.

What?

You are now level five.

Yes!

I attack twice.

I attack twice.

Zudrik, show us how we fight inanimate objects.

We have two attacks now.

Okay.

The three of you guys are recuperating at Leviathan Inn in the soft haze of mid-morning.

By day, the inn serves as a meeting house and coffee parlor.

Rough benches and bowed chairs are haphazardly arranged out front, wobbling on the uneven cobblestones.

A sea breeze drifts up the hill as sunlight bounces off the blown glass windows, glimmering like gold beneath the stream.

And you guys are, I guess, sparring out front.

Two attacks, two attacks, two tacks.

Ha ha, ha, ha,

one fluid motion.

Oh, two 14s.

That's 21 and 21.

Ow, ow.

Oh, shout out to the two crew and also a four.

Boggy trips over along.

You guys are just wailing on Zudrick like he's a training dummy as you hear the clapping of horse hooves and you turn and you see Sir Mathis and the Duke are approaching.

Oh boy.

Hello, good sirs.

I direct only to Sir Mathis.

No, yeah, no, no, actually I say, hello, good sir, to only Sir Mathis.

And I say, hello, sir, and I look at neither of them.

A slight the Duke absolutely notices, but he has no recourse to save his honor.

It's already besmirched.

He dismounts, averting his eyes, and he holds out his hand.

I owe you my thanks, and

much more.

He

holds his hand out there for you guys to shake it.

I slap the stuff, whatever's in there out of his hand.

There should be some cash in there, actually.

Do you want like a snack?

What are you putting

this?

I don't see cash in here.

Oh, do you not know how to get down from your horse?

Quit it.

He pulls his hand back quickly.

Does not like being made fun of.

And he nods to Mathis, who hands each of you guys a red velvet pouch.

Inside this pouch, you find a fistful of gleaming gold coins and a scatter of loose gems, diamonds, emeralds, and pearls.

Oh, my.

This is your reward for the jet job.

And the Duke says,

I have failed as a husband and father.

Couldn't agree more.

I think that's hot.

Wow.

I was going to say it if you didn't.

First normal thing you've said.

He looks at Mathis.

This isn't going how we rehearsed.

You rehearsed it?

This loser of a boyfriend?

Went to Mathis.

Anyhow, go on, go on.

Never matter.

I'm sorry for your hardships, and I'm sorry to my family, but I will not ask for your forgiveness, only

your discretion.

I feel like we're going to need another velvet bag for that, boy.

Actually, that's a good call.

We did, we got up early today because our circadian rhythms are a little off.

And at the coffee shop, I do have volume control issues.

You know, may I suggest actually, instead of

more money, you give us the most glowing review you have ever given given anyone.

And

I want you to seal it with all the whistles and bells that you possibly can.

Yes.

I want it to look so official.

I want it to go into the hands of anyone who thinks of employing us in the future and give them a carnal release.

If you need someone slew, seek the Carnal Crew.

That's just, I don't know if you needed a quote.

It's quite crass.

Please don't tell me you're calling yourselves the Carnal Crew.

I'm not 100% sold on that name.

I call us the zoo crew.

Baggy calls us

Wellie's Bellies.

And Cidrick calls us Boggy's butt.

Yes, there it is.

But collectively, collectively,

as you say, fine.

But

you're right.

A greater reward was pledged for my daughter's safe return.

And he looks to Mathis again, who hands you guys a scroll tied with red silk.

And then the Duke produces a necklace holding a thick iron key the size of a horseshoe.

And he says, A bastion in the lakelands.

It's a dozen acres and a granary, plus a fortified keep.

It's called Fort Delathorne,

but you may rename it as you wish.

What?

Holy shit, you're giving us a.

Okay, this guy rules.

All right.

We were hasty.

We were hasty.

It's a freaking house.

Okay.

Oh, sorry, I was right.

Oh, Hilt.

Oh, Lodestar.

Oh, Ender, stay my greed.

I feel greed coursing through me.

This house is mostly Cardinal Corners, y'all.

Let's act cool like it's normal for us to just be giving a hole in the middle.

All right, let's feel so much

serious.

Let's all really gone.

I turn back and I say, we agree to the terms of your gift.

Friend?

Colleague.

He raises his hand for you to shake it again.

Hey, acquaintance.

I shake his hand.

Then it is done.

And he shakes your hand.

You guys are now the proud owners of Fort Della Thorne, a bastion out in the Lakelands.

For being someone who plays the least video games, you are throwing us so many video game perks.

Yeah.

This is a video game perk.

We're going to decorate.

Oh, we're going to have to hire minions.

Oh, man.

I'd always heard that knights were paid in land, but I'd never seen it happen.

Indeed, you guys have some decorating to do.

And as the Duke takes his leave, head bowed, the door behind you swings open with a jangle of brass bells.

Rorick steps out, coffee pot in hand, shaking his head with a wide grin.

Mike,

I still can't believe you three pulled off the jet job.

I mean,

good work.

Do you want to be a personal chef?

What?

I actually don't know how steady our income will be.

Willie, should we chat before we like invite people who give in our house?

No, no, I think that it's cute, Zudrich.

I'm overcome with greed and I'm not behaving in a pleasure.

Yes, it would be flattering way.

If we were courtly lords, we would restrict people from entering our home.

But we are not that.

We are friends.

We are men of the land.

We must allow people to come and go as they please.

So yes, please come to Fort Delathorne at your earliest bidding.

Yeah, sure.

I'll come visit you guys.

So you're moving.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, we're moving.

Yeah, I think.

Do I have to take my tent down from right outside your inn?

You have to do that regardless.

You see, Rorick is standing on your stained tent.

Yeah.

Wow.

It's, you know, they say it's hard to say goodbye, but,

you know, you never really know until it happens.

Rorick?

Yeah.

It's been real.

Yes.

For sure.

Oh, that reminds me.

Boggy, right?

This

something came for you.

He pats pats his apron and finds a creased envelope.

Odd, I don't have a permanent address, so that's rather strange.

What might this be?

Perhaps another job.

Haha.

Boggy, your stomach drops as you spot the wax seal.

A crowned marlin.

The signet of the fish baron.

What the?

Zounds.

He's tracked me down.

This is William Longskiff Sigil.

That odorous fellow.

Rorik, actually, don't tell anyone where we live.

be cool, right?

How many silk bags do you need for discretion?

Rorik, do you know how to unsend a party full invite?

Are you referring to me?

This is a close friends only, Rorik.

Close friends only, man.

Okay, open it.

Am I uninvited?

Rorik, you're part of this now.

Boggy, open the letter.

Hinders breasts, let's take a look.

I bite the seal in half, spit it on the ground, and open the scroll.

You crack the letter and you read:

To the scoundrel, Bostwick Roger.

You can run, but you cannot hide.

My fin cuts through every harbor.

Wait, he's an actual fish?

Is he an actual fish?

He looks fish-like for sure.

Okay.

He's just clammy as hell.

You will return to Goodport and answer for your debauchery.

Or I will dispose of another of your bedfellows.

The villain called Longus Tom will be put to death if you do not surrender yourself and the ancestral sword of House Longskiff by sundown ten days hence.

All my worst

Billiam Longskiff, the swordfish of Goodport.

Wait, Boggy.

Longest Tom is alive?

Wait, but also he signed it swordfish, so he is a fish.

Wait, did you did you Boggy?

Longest Tom is alive.

Let's clarify one thing first.

He's not actually a fish.

He just has fish-like features, a long, pointy nose, like a swordfish, clammy skin.

I feel like we're losing that one of your friends is alive.

Rory, um, put the coffee pot down and pour us some whiskeys.

We we need to talk.

Are all of the buds alive?

I invite them into the tavern, into a quiet area where we can chat.

I lay Igrit's wing, which is the sword I stole from Billy and Longskiff on the table.

I down my drink and I say, there's

a truth or two I have not told you about the day that our camp was raided by the fish baron.

Rorik steps out of the bar and stands in front of the door, so you guys have the place to yourselves.

Before I said that I was giving chase to a noble black stag, that was the first of many lies, I'm afraid.

I had had a fight with Longest Tom.

He said that our reputation was growing and we had a responsibility a responsibility to do more for the less fortunate around us, and not just party in the woods all the time.

Right, yes.

I

scoffed at his words, and

as if to prove my point, I took my bow and wandered into the woods for an impromptu hunt.

I found nothing but a few rabbits which I chased, but alas

it yielded nothing, and so I returned to camp.

And that's when I saw it.

Not the aftermath of a skirmish, but an assault taking place.

I saw Longus Tom, bloodied, fighting five men, Sister Bix riddled with arrows,

Grandpa Crunchum and Flute Boy, covered in wounds, captured in cages, their breath shallow.

Wait, they didn't die in the stocks?

I know not.

The stories I told were just that.

For you see, as I watched them all, William Schitts lying on the ground, having been kicked by a horse,

and of course, Gedandio Candles trapped by one of his own bear traps, his hands besieged by a crossbow.

Well, I mean, that's negligence on his part.

It was the heat of the moment, I fear.

He could have been pushed into the bear trap.

That's not all I'm there.

I was just cursing as if.

Oh, sorry.

No, his petard was

it were a very good idea.

and I waited.

And then, instead of returning or attempting to free them,

I fled.

I see.

The only solace is that Lady Linabeth was not there, I fear.

Perhaps she had made some separate deal with

the Baron, or

perhaps she knew of this assault, or I know not.

Perhaps her lordly relatives had called her away, or she had been ambushed prior and kidnapped as well.

I know not.

But all I know is that I'm not the man you thought I was.

I am a liar, a filthy low worm.

And

if you wish to take these winnings and go to the bastion without me, I would understand.

Baki,

I understand why you kept this from us, but you are the man that I know you to be.

And the story that you tell,

maybe that was you in the past, but that's not the man that I descended into the dungeons with.

Yeah, you're definitely a liar, but I don't know that you're a worm.

Yeah, I think when you said worm, actually, you were lying to yourself.

Yeah,

just another story, I suppose.

Well, and it's okay to have moments that you're shameful of because you end up becoming a better person.

And I think that the person that we traveled with is that person, is the result of

becoming something better?

Indeed, you have shown me that shame is something you can live with and fight through.

And

though you now know my wormly truths, I would I would still travel with you and hope to reclaim at least a small fraction of my honor.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, Baggy, you ran the first time, but there is still hope that we can save the rest of the butts.

Yes.

Yes, Especially if longest Tom is still alive and Lady Linabeth.

It is true that I owe a grave apology to Tom, for I think there was truth in his words and I ran from it.

But now

perhaps we can do better.

Now we must.

Well, if you need an escort to Goodport,

I think

Zudrich said he wanted to go.

Yeah.

Yes, I do.

I just felt weird inserting myself.

So I inserted you.

So you inserted me.

Could you maybe

go back?

Yeah, no, I suppose I could hire you for the job, another jet job, and I'll give you part of my winnings.

Why don't we call this an emotional jet job?

And you don't have to pay us any cash.

Yeah, I don't want any cash.

Yes,

we do need to fill out the castle.

Why not fill it out with buds?

And if we're speaking very honestly, then I'll say that I actually have selfish desires for Goodport.

I'm looking for more information about the magic that maybe made the gods the gods.

Yes.

There was that curious circle on the map near the bog.

Yes, I've been meaning to rip off all my clothing and jump into it to see if it takes me to outer space.

That's a different thought.

That's a different thought.

Well, there are mushrooms you can take, and then when the silt hits your toes just right, it does feel transcendent, and I do recommend it.

We must all have a new dip, thrilling.

Yes, but one of the things I'm looking for is: well, you know, we at the Order of the Oaken Ore, we watched over the Oaken Ore, which was the tool of magical beings.

But I've started to wonder if maybe it wasn't the tool of magical beings, but rather the tool whereby they gained their magic.

And there was rumor of a second oar.

And I've started to think heretical thoughts: like, what if we got that second oar and we had two oars, and this not-so-broken compass.

I lift up my little star compass that reacted to that map.

Could we possibly go to the source of magic itself?

Be one,

finally be whole with a power that transcends us.

Imagine the space gems we could put in our keep.

Wow, moon rocks.

You guys just have such depth.

You know what I mean?

Like, yeah.

Why?

Because I want union with something that transcends me.

Yeah.

And I'm looking for it in beautiful women.

I just assumed.

So I'm going to be honest.

When I woke up this morning, I was like, cool,

we'll have our cash.

We'll eat food for a little bit.

That'll be sweet.

Sounds great.

And then, you know, we'll figure out the next job.

But now I'm like, gotta save the buds.

The buds are alive.

Gotta go to space, maybe?

Probably buds first.

Space.

Buds first.

Go to space with the buds.

Yes, with the buds.

We need a whole crew.

We can just look for information there about this potential second ore.

Because the way I see it, the monastery wanted us to worship the arbiters of power and not power itself.

Right.

God,

it sounds really really evil when I say it like that.

Yeah, no, I'm going to keep an eye on you for this.

My focus is union with something that transcends me.

Just being one with magic.

One vibrating, shameless orgasm of power.

Willie, as you have these thoughts about magic and the gods, you remember the letter you found in the princess's study.

The one with the cipher that you guys have yet to figure out.

Yes.

Not to mention this.

I pull out that.

We need to find someone who can decode this.

I think we need to give a scholar the biggest wedge we can and force them to solve this for us.

I think that sounds like we can work on that and make it a little nicer.

Yes, perhaps we'll just push him down.

Just a swirly.

Just a swirly.

Oh, yes, of course.

And as you guys discuss this, well, you reread the letter and you actually see something that might help you decipher this cipher.

What do I see?

You know, the way this code works is all of the letters are a certain number off of the intended letter.

That's how the cipher works.

Oh.

Glancing through, you search for a word that you might be able to lock and use as your base for the cipher.

Yeah.

Your eyes cast down the letter until you get to the signature.

Eight letters.

Lodestar?

You try Lodestar.

It's still jumbled.

You think of the names on the sword.

The solar knights.

How many Ms are in Hamdam?

Eight.

Not eight, but Hamdam is eight letters.

Wellie, you have that realization.

You look at the eight letter signature.

There are four of the same letters.

Hamdam.

It's Hamdam.

It was Hamdam all the time.

A letter from Wilma the Relentless to Princess Lenark, and you sit in the Leviathan Inn as the sun beats against the glass, deciphering this letter, and you finally figure it out.

You stand and you read.

A letter from your eighth great aunt to the Princess of the Realm.

Your grace, all is not yet lost, but our hope hangs by a breath.

Sir Lachlan Boyd runs solstice south under no banner from the Cloud Wake fleet in the fjords.

The hilt will not relent, not even for you.

The sunsword has fallen.

I am so sorry.

He was my brother as well.

The voyager looks past the horizon, where tide meets the sky, and Cicada's brethren still soar.

You will find safe haven in the wild magic of the always islands.

The rogue god cannot follow you, not without the second oar.

We have fed it to the mire.

Fly, Lenark, and whether in storm or silence, in this life or the next, I will ride out to meet you.

Hamdam.

The second oar is in the bog.

It's Bogwood, friends!

Bogwood, ho!

You charge out of Leviathan Inn, your last adventure fading away, the next one rising like mist on the marsh.

You take a deep breath as the crows circle overhead, beating their black wings against the salt air.

Your muscles flex as you run, a toad and a poem in your pocket.

The grit from the cobblestone grinds against your boots as they fly.

They will remember your name in Mudtown, but now your story winds forward.

The next chapter unfolds in the muck.

And that's where we'll end our season.

Oh, man, a clump of boats are alive.

The buds are back.

So many reveals.

The bulls are in the wind.

I can't believe that.

That's incredible.

Oh, my God.

I can't wait to meet Dandi O'Candles.

No, Dandi O'Candles is is potentially dead.

Well, a lot of them are potentially dead, but a lot of them are actually alive.

There's hope.

There is hope.

There's definitely still some death, but there's hope.

While we breathe, we hope.

Yeah, my God.

That's awesome.

Great work, Jake.

That was awesome.

Way to go, man.

Great job, you guys.

We will chat about this more over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash NADPOD.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

Don't sing yet.

Don't do it.

We've got some shows to plug coming up real soon, June 1st, our show at the Hollywood Bowl, Dimension 20.

Get tickets for that.

There's still some left.

We've got a show in Seattle on July 20th, and we've also got a show in November.

We're going to be doing Starstruck in Vegas.

So search Dimension 20 live to get tickets to those.

Oh, I'll plug the Three Black Halflings have a Kickstarter for their City of the Black Rose

campaign setting.

I played a character in one of those sessions that they did.

It was super fun.

So yeah, if you want to pick up this campaign setting, which works for 5e or Daggerheart,

which is the new Daredevil Crest system, I believe, you can do that.

Go to their Kickstarter for the City of the Black Rose.

Great.

Hell yeah.

And check out me and Emily's Substack.

My name is Ashley James.

I make a substack.

I haven't done anything with it yet.

All I've done is follow Jake, and he gives wonderful advice columns.

Thank you.

And I haven't decided what to do with it.

I'm thinking of doing, I have all this like this backlog of music, a lot of it about myths.

So I might do a little like weekly myth and music and

Greek mythology album that I've been unable to.

It's so much harder to put things on Spotify because then they just live there forever.

So maybe I'll just slowly trickle that there.

Wow.

Get Her to the Greek is maybe probably the name for it.

Gorgeous.

Well, I followed you back.

I'm waiting.

Yeah.

Oh, and so Jake is, you're at Jake Kurwitz.

That's right.

And I'm at Yoxburg.

Right on.

There you go.

Cool.

Can't wait.

But Jake has a backlog that you can enjoy, and I have nothing yet.

There's five full editions.

Whoa.

Read them while you wait for Emily's to drop.

Be on the lookout for that.

In the meantime, you can follow us on social media that we may or may not use at CHRSME, at Caldeys Caldwell, Addie Exwards Emily, and at Chicago's Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NADPOT.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

We are, we are, the youth of the nation.

We are, we are, the youth of the nation.

Woo!

Ah, now it's time to thank our benevolent Council of Elders.

Brad D., Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, Fjord, later Mick Skater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C., Daniel G., Danielle, the Dastardly Dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T.

Balnor's Boy, Hoyd's Friend, Justin I., Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray, Christopher B., Damiel R., Jordan L., Cyborg Version of Josh the Cobald, Targat, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebuker, the NBDMPHD, Princess Yar, Jory S, Jack L, Nicholas C., Star of Every Film Ever Made in Bahumia, Mike Hightower, Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F, Carbrow, Chapel Hill, FPV, Cece Lulu, Old Cobbs, Dunkel, Older Byrne, Heracule Poirot, the Rabbit Folk Detective, Timmy R., Rayco, Jake's Jerk Jelly, thanks for that.

Hashtag CCC, Taylor B, the vengeful one-winged angel, Cass Strong Grinch, Stephen, shout out to Bowie the Troll, C, Mike K, Nick W, William W, Big Bad Beardo the Mad, Eric McD, Anorama, Percival, Frederick, Stein von Mussel, Klowowski, Dave Rolo the Third, Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock, Pithy Witch, Ben A.

Dave H, Dustin S., Not That Nick, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Book Bars Assistant, Izzy F, Big Bad John, DPC is Awesome, Sean the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zeldar, Summer RG, Mark the Dark Lords, Taint, Kat C, Misa of House and Zunza, Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena N, aka Velacie Raptor, B.

Perky Always, Pat L, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie the Fay Wild Therapist, Peroki, Frenzy, Connor, Savage, Salil BioQuart, 7, Amber, Dextrous, Bean Rat, Was Innocent, Trub Hop Dropper, Jack H, King of the Mole People, Under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament, Valen, Paj, the bitch and bunny bard, Druidic Peyton, Carlin C., Noah the Bullywug Boy, Hashtag Honor HonorTheCock, James G, Everything Bago, the Eladrant who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Han, Eric B., Marcos, learns the balance, Druid, Frida M, Maggie, Holly, the green laughing hyena, Cal misses the D5s with all her heart, Aaron B.

Russell, H, a monk named Dilgo, yes, the whole thing, yes, every time.

Cody, C, Lorelei the succubi, and Kira the succulent snack, McKenna, stout, your friendly neighborhood, Yant and Yunkel, Andrew and Sid, John Adams, We Can Be Done with Presidential Puns, Meg, the Mail Carrier of Bahumia, James F, Austin S.

Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 69, Oreo, Shane C, Barpo, Good Barrel, Bard, Barian, Garrett G, one big curd, Charlie Brown's best friend, Renee, the monster captain, Olivia the Enchanting Bard, and Jared the Soap Opera Cleric, who will be auditioning for Callie's acting troupe.

Blue A, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Valkyrie the Gert C Brother, Anthony the Radis of Dudes, Jay, the Fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo.

Cantrip Doubledore the Bear Onesie Wearing Barbarian, Lexi H, MJ, the BFG, Roger L.

Nodrog, the pass-a-fist barbarian, Jiao Nuka, Shenanigans, O'Connor, Neos the Great, Joshua S.

Alexander, Linz W, Sky the Wise, aka the Lone Dungeon Master, Johnny Dude K, the Mischief of Nadpod Familiars, Pavu Eskinor, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile, Kit and their cat, Tim M, Tiles L, T-R-M-L-G, Cheeto, Shelby's first favorite sprite girl, thank you, DM, her crits, for the beautifully poetic romp in Skaldova, by Ender's Light, we shall return indeed.

Snailis, who is infecting Wusheshore for within, a bone flute literally tells a story when played.

Paw Paw Skydays, Mimos Guide's, Megan N., Anthony B., Savannah H., Balnor's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of House and Sunza, Benjamin A.

Gimli the Corgi, Pawpaw and Foster's canine friend, Mikkel A.

Josh Hole, pilot of the Nightmare Verse Flight.

The two crew blew through.

Jennery, Kelsey A.

Ethan the Mailman, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Asha Saurus, Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten, Dragoose, Accidental Sharer of Recipes, Michael L.

S.

II, Carl B., Plumber of the Realm, Dex Riddlewell, Hannah A.

Ace Drags, High Lord of Critzburg, Vin Diagram, Catamilius, the Consumed, Clinton P., Cam the Frogman, Dean, Jake W, High Mom, Tuesday Cross, Boo, Steve L.

Tyler, Mick M, Alex G, Zibby DeBacheri, Kaylee, Katerina, C, Misty the Crispy, Kitty, really hates flame skulls, Greg W.

There's so many of us now, but hey, you're doing great and we love you.

Baaruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide.

Nice.

Chupak, Aubrey, Boney is Dead.

Cohen P, the Duke of Silk's missing son, indeed.

The Waterworth, Nick, Amy, Aegis Kunari, Ignition Class Petalstorm, Nadia, the Dice Druid, a distant relative of both Welly and Moonshine.

It turns out it all comes back to the crick.

Charlemagne, not the god.

DJ, Dramame,

Alrek von Zarovich, my favorite patron, makes me say penis on my show.

And of course, Jessica with a G.

Thank you, everybody.

That was a Head Gum Podcast.