Skaldova - Ep. 2: The Valley of the Whispered Oath

This is a head gun podcast.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign.

This is not another D ⁇ D podcast.

Welcome back to Skaldova, everybody.

Skaldova!

That was good.

That was really good.

That was pretty good.

We remember

music to my ears.

I'm your dungeon master, Jake Hurwitz, here with Brian Murphy.

Has a crow and won't desert her.

It's Zudrick of the murder.

Emily Axford.

The ma'am without a plan.

It's Willie Hamdam.

God damn.

Damn, damn it.

And of course, we got Caldwell Tanner.

Wears a floppy brown hat upon his head, and also all his friends are dead.

It's Boggy Roger.

Well met, sir.

Cute and tragic.

Okay, before we get into it, what do you guys say to a little recap?

Let's do a steward.

I say yay.

Last week, our three off-putting heroes met in Mugtown.

Yeah.

Oh, you didn't say editorialize and recap.

Disillusioned, disgraced, and displaced, these unlikely allies found common ground in their distinct downfalls and came together for a jet job, the deadliest kind of mission.

The goal?

Retrieve the bodies of three adventurers who vanished into Cave Castle while searching for Black Lace, a a dubious elixir brewed by hermits occupying the old keep.

Before setting out, you spoke with Yorin the Blacksmith and his apprentice Timo, who told you the cave was a cursed place where a traveler named Bulric the Banished once vanished.

They geared you up with weapons, and Timo gave Willie a ring.

You also insulted a drunk herbalist, knocked out a teenage stableboy, and stole three horses before fleeing bareassed into the woods.

And that's where we are now.

Still bare assed.

Boggy, please.

Some decency.

It's too funny.

So as Boggy pulls up his pants, finally, after tearing through the mudgate and into the wooded land beyond, you catch your breath.

You listen closely.

Nothing.

No pursuit.

You bring your horses to a canter, then a trot.

The forest begins to thin, giving way to a gentle descent into the open land below.

You are now entering the valley of the whispered oath.

Legend says that long ago, in the age of stories, a valiant knight swore to see his princess safely across this land, knowing that the dragon patrolling the skies above would take his life.

Now, the gathering clouds make good on their threat and it starts pissing rain.

The air is still and dank.

You can see in the distance three horses grazing by a tumble-down granary that I had planned for you to find, but you no longer need them.

I flip off the horses.

They watch with big brown eyes as you press on through the hinterlands.

Oh, these might be somebody's beloved pet.

It just occurred to me.

Slap their asses and send them back to Mudtown.

The wide dirt road eases down into an undulating valley, its edges marked by stones sinking in the mud.

A sea of tall golden grass, though decidedly sodden and dull at the moment, pushes out in every direction.

The valley is dotted with low outcroppings of half-buried boulders surrounded by sea buckthorn, wild sagebrush, and crowberry.

The rain grows heavier, and a bright streak of lightning splits the sky, followed.

You could not possibly be.

You were afraid of lightning so well.

You're of something called the oaken oar.

Surely you've been on the water and seen a storm or something.

Lightning and wood don't go well together.

Perhaps one moment later, after Willie's scream, a loud, clear crack of thunder.

You can't be afraid of lightning, no thunder.

That's very far away.

It's repetitive, yeah.

She had no idea that was coming next.

How are you guys proceeding through this valley?

I turn to my

sort of comrades

and just humorlessly go, Anyone out in the storm means trouble.

We attack on sight.

On site?

No, I think we parlay on site.

Something in between, surely.

Boggy, do you have the

baby bear of it?

I don't want to parlay.

What's between us?

I've got the solution porridge right here in my hands.

On a rainy morn such as this, with the rain pouring down and the mist rolling in, it's best just to slink past and avoid conflict altogether, I say.

Very well.

Okay.

Yeah.

That'll give us more time to chat.

Oh, wonderful.

You know, a conversation I always find stimulating is a

civilized discussion of the non-sexual beauty of nature.

Non-sexual?

Non-sexual?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me, brother?

Nature is the most sexy thing around.

Have you seen trees?

No, that is why I had to specify specify non-sexual trees.

I never would have thought.

There are certain flowers that make me blush.

I never would have thought we'd have to specify.

Zutric, I'm going to take you to a botanical garden that you need to use.

Oh, I'm looking at these hills now, and I'm thinking about having a carnal at least.

I'm looking at these hills, too.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Okay, relax.

Okay.

Everyone relax sexually and whatnot.

I guess if we do have to fill the air with idle chatter, thank you, Poggy, Poggy, for securing us these horses.

Is that why your friends were all executed?

You're horse thieves?

Oh,

is that what the Order of the Buds did?

Reductive to call us simple horse thieves.

We made our way through the world by pilfering from the rich, those who had more than us.

We would camp out along the road to Goodport.

I'm sure you're familiar with Goodport?

Yes, of course.

Like the land of the house.

I call it Badport.

Go on, why?

But we are good in the world.

serious.

Go on.

Yes.

But yes, we would

wait for caravans of merchants and scholars, and we would absolutely wreck their shit and steal their money.

We went after the scholars?

They're the most endowed of them all.

I guess that's true.

I hadn't thought of that.

There's too many rich scholars in Skaldova.

All of the scholars head into Goodport.

They've been funded by nobility or kings, and they're in the pocket of the scholar money.

If you can afford to be a scholar in times like this, indeed.

Idle pursuits, I say.

May I ask you?

You mentioned Sister Bix.

Ah, yes, Sister Bix.

What was she like?

Well, she was a cleric of the Lodestar.

Ah, she brewed the finest ales and the most smoky of peat whiskeys, all in the basement of the church, of course.

Eventually, the local guild descended upon her and wanted a healthy fee to protect their copyrights and whatnot, and she refused, and they set fire to her church.

So she absconded to the woods and henceforth fought alongside me and my boggy buds.

And what cruel fate befell her?

Well, as I mentioned before, I was out on a hunt when the fish baron, William Longskiff, not sure if you've heard of him,

not yet.

Yes, that salted cat of a man.

He descended upon my campsite and his men.

They stole away all of my fellows.

I saw piles of blood and scrapes of cloth, but I do not know for certain how they met their end.

I try to keep pure of heart, but I kindle a growing hatred for scholars and fish barons.

Well, we don't have to hate.

I should not say all scholars are bad.

Maybe Linnabeth herself was a scholar of some renown.

Any kind of baron we could have some resentment for, but not necessarily the scholars.

Imagine a scholar baron.

See, this is the problem.

A lot of them are both nobility and scholars.

Okay, well, thank you for telling the story of one of your order.

She sounds most noble, even though she peddled in intoxicants of the spirit.

Ah, but I think that what better way to lift the spirit than by imbibing, I say.

Wow, you give me much to think of, sir.

Boggy Rogers.

Indeed.

Does anyone want any of this?

Boggy has like a flask he's holding as he rides his horse.

Oh, nice.

I'm not there yet, but have at it, the goodly lady Genevere.

I offer it to my horse.

You named your horse after the one you jizzed in your pants about.

Yes.

What else?

Oh, I see what you're saying.

And here I am clutching it with my thighs.

Trade horses.

Someone needs to trade horses with me.

Someone.

Horse swabby.

Horse swabby.

Calm down.

Horse swap.

God damn it.

So as you guys swap horses and continue on, do you give the horses a little bit of whiskey?

I guess we'll stay just let's stay just maybe, I know it'll look kind of weird, but let's say stay stay just wide of the road.

There are bandits and brigands and whatnot.

Actually, you know what?

He speaks true.

As a ritual, I can cast animal messenger.

I'm going to call Tabitha down.

I call my bird down, and I'm going to send her ahead.

Typically, this would just be to like send a message, but I'm going to have it be more like sending a message to herself.

Have her like go ride ahead of us and sort of scout and then come back and let us know if she sees anything.

All right, great.

So Tabitha is going to, she swoops down and then flaps off into the misty storm ahead.

And a cold wind sweeps through the valley, driving the rain sideways against your cheeks in sharp, stinging needles.

You turn your faces into your cloaks.

You hear the rush of a quickening stream along the road beside you, running murky with the deluge of rain.

Ahead, the track twists downwards, cutting through a cluster of boulders where the path narrows between the rocks.

Through the sheets of rain, you see something is blocking the way.

You guys can give me perception checks, and I will also have Tabitha come back.

Ooh, nat 20.

Oh, wow.

Nat one.

If I roll and get a nat 20, will it make us get even more information, or should I not even roll?

You gotta roll.

Roll and let's see what happens.

Tabitha, Tabitha will be able to talk human words if you crit.

Okay, I did it.

I did it.

I got an eighth.

I was so close to Tabitha talking human words.

So, Zujic, there's simply no way you can see through that helmet.

So, there is, now there's a break in the rain, and you guys see the great blue-gray shape of an ox is sprawled across the path.

The creature is riddled with arrows.

The wagon it was pulling is overturned, trinkets and cargo scattered around the wreckage, and you see the driver face down in a ditch between the boulder and the road.

Boggy, with your crit,

you also see in the wagon itself are two rustling shapes, and Zudrich, Tabitha, returns to alert you that there is a bandit with a crossbow on the boulder above, hidden behind some shrubs.

This is so deceitful.

You guys have successfully sniffed out that something fishy is afoot.

Oh, this is shoddy work, to be honest.

Yes, they've left the trinkets about.

The bandits are still here.

You gotta pick up the trinkets.

You don't know what those trinkets are worth.

Perhaps we should

pretend that we've fallen for the trap and draw them out.

I think I could do that.

Good sir!

You seem to have fallen prey to the mud!

And I'm gonna run over to the guy who's face down.

Okay, I will run over as well, preparing to essentially just start slashing people up.

Okay, sweet.

While they're doing that, can I um stealth around the boulder?

Yes, try and get the jump on this guy.

Oh, great move.

That's a great idea.

Uh, yeah, give me a stealth check.

I'm gonna use my ambush ability, so I'm gonna add a superiority die to my stealth.

That's a 12 total.

Gotcha.

Welly, as you approach this man in the road, he waits for you to get close and then he lifts his head, his eyes dark and gleaming beneath the rain.

His lips curl into a snarl or a grin, revealing a flash of rotted teeth.

His arms jerk upward fast, something sharp clutched in his fist.

But you are not surprised.

This is exactly what you guys were expecting.

Everybody can roll initiative.

12.

15.

15 also.

I have less decks than Boggy, so I'll probably go second.

All right.

Okay, these bandits actually rolled pretty well.

I'm gonna have the first two both try to jump out of this collapsed cart and try to attack Zudrick.

They rolled well for their initiative and bad for their attack.

Oh, great.

That's a five and a nine.

Shoddy work.

No, we totally, we totally had you.

I block with my enormous anime sword.

It's so fucking scary.

Crows caw in the background and flock to me.

More like.

Tiny rusted dagger just dinks off.

Shit, you were so scared, dude.

We had you so surprised.

You'll be a feast for the crows.

Those two bandits both miss.

Now, Boggy, that is you.

All right.

It's time to beat up more teens.

So this bandit is looking over the boulder down into the path.

He's not expecting you.

His passive perception is only 10.

So your stealth is successful.

You're going to be able to sneak up on him.

I pull out my short sword, grasp of the ass.

Of course.

And I'm just going to try and grab him with it.

I'm going to slash right across his back.

All right.

Hell yeah.

That is a 25 to hit.

Definitely hits this guy.

What's your damage?

If that hits, this is a light sword.

It has the light property, which means I can make an additional attack with my rapier.

Nice.

24 to hit.

Yeah, also hits a lot.

Great.

And since my rapier has the nick property, that means that it doesn't count as my bonus action, so I still have a bonus action.

Hell yeah.

Oh, shit.

Hell yeah.

Some of these new rules are red.

Yeah, this is all the mastery property shit.

Okay, so that's 11 damage total.

Whoa.

And then, do I have anything to do with a bonus action?

You can think about it actually after I tell you that you have ended this bandit archer's life.

So you can use your bonus action to do literally anything you want.

Okay, yeah, then I guess I drop Trow again.

Yes!

Feed the editor!

Do Do you want to finish this guy who was like mouthwatering, drooling over this boulder to try and shoot your friends?

Oh, these fucking idiots.

Come on, man.

You can't be muttering while you're waiting in ambush.

That's just a rookie mistake.

Shit!

How'd you find me, dude?

Say hello to the boggy buds.

Bah!

I snap into him.

Because you're going to hell.

You slash across his throat.

He sprays blood as he falls backwards into the path, smashing into the wagon below where his friends just jumped from.

This guy is instantly dead.

That is Zudrich's turn.

You shall follow him now.

I'm going to launch, so I run forward and I stab my giant anime sword into the ground like a pole vault, launch myself up into the air, and attack with advantage on the guy who was pretending to be dead.

That was a cruel prank.

No, no, no, dude, they fucking robbed me.

That's a 16 to hit.

Yeah, it does hit.

Oh my god, I do so much damage.

Okay, so with my with my steelhawk stuff, I do extra damage with a lance.

You just gave us a plus one.

I rolled an 11.

I also roll a d8

because I launched.

So that's a seven on top of that.

So eight.

So I do 24 damage.

This man is gone.

It's just gone.

Blatter him with like the flat edge of it and just completely end him.

He has a tiny little dagger.

You can smash it out of his hand, vault into him, completely end his life.

Be the ender you want to see in this world.

His friend beside him is just like, oh, shit!

It's up to me now.

What is up to you?

What are you doing?

You need to run.

He's going to run forward at you.

You're so bad at being abandoned.

Yield, dude.

13 to hit.

Me?

Yeah.

No.

He's blocking with one hand.

He runs into your chest plate.

He grabs the blade.

He falls down into the muck.

That's Welly's turn.

Wellie and him.

I too have a gift for the ender.

That's an out one.

Oh no!

So Welly goes forward to plant your foot and slash through the sky, but it slips in the mud.

I slip and I say, I've never actually killed someone.

No slap the order of the ore.

We just kind of practice random courtly rituals.

The storm continues to rage around you.

And as all of this chaos is happening, as you're clashing with these bandits, steel ringing against steel, you guys are absolutely murdering people, welly's ass down in the mud.

It was a beautiful ball, though.

Have I died?

You hear a sharp hiss cutting through all of the chaos.

It's growing louder like a bed of snakes.

And you guys look up just in time to see that the sound is the road itself falling away in front of you.

Packed sand and dirt churn and spill into the earth like water over a fall.

A sinkhole is forming right where this battle is.

Everybody give me a deck save but I'll avoid being sucked in.

What?

Silt!

That's the worst part of bogs.

They've disturbed the road too much to set this up.

The rain is too great.

17.

Seven.

Welly saves.

10.

Actually, I might use this heroic inspiration to reroll.

Oh, great.

19 that time.

Okay, so Zudrick saves only Boggy.

Everybody else leaps back just in time, including these two really overzealous bandits.

You leap back, landing on stable ground as you watch Boggy go tumbling in.

Boggy, you went to jump, but as your feet press against the ground, the very earth you were standing on takes you with it.

You fall 25 feet,

engulfed by jagged debris.

You crash into the packed earth below, and you take

five bludgeoning damage as you look up at your friends who are surrounded now by bandits.

We're not really surrounded.

There are just two.

Betrayed!

Betrayed by the mud I so love!

Boggy!

One living bandit is going to to go after Willie, actually.

A 16 to hit.

That hits, but I will say,

load star rune, activate!

Are you a fucking power ranger?

When you or a creature you can see within 30 feet of you is hit by an attack roll, you can use your reaction to choose a different creature other than the attacker within 30 feet to become the target of the attack instead of using the same roll.

So I'm gonna force him to attack his own friend.

What?

Wow.

All right, cool.

Infighting will destroy even the strongest order.

You was gonna keep all that gold for yourself, weren't you?

We had them.

Are you working with them?

He hits his friend for seven damage.

His friend is almost dead.

Welly, what does that look like?

Does the rune like glow?

I think that the rune like evaporates until I carve it again, but I think that what it looks is much more like tactical.

It's like it's almost like I catch his sword and then redirect it to his friend.

Oh, nice.

Because like the Lodestar, I am merely guiding him.

Ooh, gorgeous.

Well parrot.

Boggy, that's your turn.

You were in this pit.

Ah.

Am I prone?

You're not prone, but to get out, you'll need to make a DC-12 athletics check.

Athletics, okay.

As this is happening, I turn to Welly because I can't see Boggy, and I go, Wellie, we must accept that Boggy is dead.

Finish these and then we move on.

No, he is a bud, and he still has yet to flower.

Zudric, I will not leave until we find him.

Oh.

very well.

I'll join your cause.

It'll be the three of us.

I don't like any of you.

Your feast for crows.

Georgia R.

Martin style.

Zudric, think of him as one of your crows.

We're all your little crows now.

A murder.

I'm fine.

I'm just five feet down.

Oh, did you hear all that, Beth?

I guess I'm further down.

I'm 25 to get it.

Look, I'm telling you, Baki is dead.

And I'm sorry that you're upset.

Watch this happens.

Everyone dies.

I I think he still has a story to tell, Zudrink.

Stories end quickly.

They've forgotten about me.

They'll be singing songs about me now, I hope.

Oh, that's a nat one.

I told you.

I told you, Boggy is dead.

You know,

I didn't believe you at first, but I find myself thinking of verses to remember him.

We shall bury these highwaymen alongside Boggy and move on.

I shall write a verse of your dirge, Boggy Rogers.

Perhaps it's what I deserve.

That hole is singing.

So Boggy goes to climb up out of the pit, and the body of the archer that you killed falls in, smacks you in the face, and I'm sorry, but you do, you take another two damage

from a pit.

The pit has done more damage than the bandits at this point.

I think that now that Boggy's friends can't see him, he like drops the facade a little bit, and it's just like, shit, fuck.

Fucking keeps happening.

Okay, Zuderic, that is your turn.

There are two bandits left.

One that's on death's door, the other one that is at full health, attacking his friends, swearing fealty to you.

Great.

We'll work together, dude.

It'll be awesome.

Yes, perhaps we'll work together when we are both in health, Rossins.

What?

Do you mind if I move weapons around, if I use a different weapon?

No, I'm a permissive DN.

Love that.

So I'm going to pull out another giant Bloodborne weapon that I have.

I just have another giant great axe that I pull out so that I can cleave.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Come on.

I I would like to get two for one.

And I'm going to swing at the full health one first.

All right.

That is a 17 to hit.

Hits.

Nine damage.

Nine damage.

He's hurt, but he's okay.

Fuck.

I fucking yield, dude.

I'll yield to you, man.

There is no yielding on the road.

Why not?

There is, but there's a different type of yielding.

Why not?

I'm going to use cleave to make an attack on the other guy.

Okay.

That's a 19 to hit.

It does.

Okay.

I don't add my modifiers on this roll, but I get to hit him with the damage.

Seven damage to that guy?

He has passed.

Right, okay.

He has passed on from this level.

So

I slice his head off.

And then I'm going to action surge.

Yes.

Oh, I forgot that was a thing.

Yeah, I'm going to action surge and try to kill this other guy.

Okay.

19 to hit?

Does.

He has two HP.

You can finish him if you want.

Yeah, I do nine damage to him.

I just.

I fucking yield.

There is no yielding.

There is only only a fork in the road.

And I split him in half and just immortal combat grab both sides of his head and pull him apart.

Oh my God, blood, guts, whatever he had for lunch, spray up.

That's why you're covered in blood.

I'm just covered and my chainmail stays covered in blood.

I don't clean myself at all.

Oh, more blood for your armor.

All these guys are absolutely dead.

Now we can have Boggy.

You can roll with advantage.

Yeah, can I reach down my great axe?

Yes.

Grab onto this, Boggy, if you're down there.

Otherwise, I'll eulogize you.

Amazing.

Yeah, with help, you can roll with advantage.

And the DC is now lowered as well.

Yeah, I have a shovel in my pack for burying friends.

Boggy had like closed his eyes and just like accepted death for a second.

Ah, longest Tom, is this the view you see from the grave?

Oh, what's that?

Oh, a shovel.

Aha!

My friends, you have come to save me.

The day remains.

The sun shines upon our exploits.

Let me roll with advantage.

Shout out to the two crew, but I'm going to use the 18 because the 19.

There you go.

All right.

Ha ha!

Boggy lives.

Do a really bad somersault out of the out of the hole.

As welly pulls you up.

You see, I have some dirt in a shovel and I throw it to the side.

I had faith alone that you would live, Boggy.

And your faith is what pulled me out of that hole more than any rope or hand.

Thank you, Zudric.

Thank you, Sir Welly.

Of course.

As you guys help Boggy out of this hole, and you look at these dead, destroyed bandits at your feet, an eerie quiet falls over the valley.

Just the sound of water dripping into the newly formed pit.

And that's when you notice a second tremor.

This one is different.

It's low and rhythmic.

Something in the earth is pulsating.

The earth is having a carnal release.

It's so carnal.

Suddenly, a monstrosity you can't comprehend bursts from the earth behind you.

It tears through the ground with such force that it becomes briefly airborne before before hitting the ground again with a thunderous crash.

Lightning strikes again, the storm suddenly rages as this, it looks like an arthropod, but it's bigger than a bull and twice as long.

This giant insect rises on its back legs, rain streams down, its dark segmented body glistening like oiled steel, its serrated mandibles like a spray of scythes gnashing at the air.

The thing titters, then blinks, and then it lets out an uncanny shriek.

And it moves toward you with unnerving fluidity.

Its legs are flying.

There is no outrunning it.

The beast is now going to enter initiative.

We will take it from the top of the order.

I wish I had not used my action search.

Would I have seen things like this on my travels, or is this super weird?

I think coming from where you came from,

the faraway fjords, they call it the frosted talon.

And the land that you would have walked across to get to Mudtown is mostly tundra and snow drift, so you wouldn't have seen anything like this.

But you've heard of large beasts that live in the woods, you've never seen them, but you've maybe heard tell of horrifying things that live out in the hinterlands, and now you guys are seeing them for the first time.

I hate bugs, they always get in your boots while you try to sleep.

Get away from my boots!

This is why you must sleep in full armor.

I've never seen anything like this before.

This is terrifying.

We must put an end to this.

Okay, if we die today, then we lived.

Period.

Okay.

It's beautiful.

There is comfort in that.

So, Welly, you must add that to your sonnet.

If we die today, at least we lived.

Well, it's not.

I didn't say at least.

I just said we lived.

I'm not thankful for it necessarily.

I just need to add a couple more syllables for it to go into a sonnet.

Boggy, you are first as this thing charges towards you.

Huh, I think I'm going to try.

Well, first of all,

I'm going to kind of limp towards a bush and roll

and try to get some cover if I can.

What is he doing?

Aha, aha, old Boggy.

Away I go.

Is he singing a song about himself?

Is that an expectation a lot?

Away I go.

The beast cocks its head and blinks.

Did that beast's neck just crack?

There's a big broken caravan here, right?

Like a carriage?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

You could use that.

Can I get some cover behind that?

Yeah, yeah.

And there are rocks, bushes, and yeah, there are jagged pieces of this caravan that's been destroyed.

Cool.

Boggy's going to go into the caravan.

His primary objective is to get cover.

His secondary objective is to look for treasure.

Okay.

If you'll allow like a free inspection or perception check there.

Yeah, for sure.

Go for it.

That's a nat 20.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

Okay.

Nat 20 on a treasure check.

You got it.

I'd love to see it.

So I'm going to need you to roll a d4.

That's a four.

God.

Okay.

Now I'm going to need you to roll a d100.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Woo!

46.

Boggy, you have found the rod of alertness.

Do not show this to Willie.

While holding this rod, you have advantage on wisdom, checks, and initiative rolls.

While holding the rod, you can also cast the following spells, detect evil and good, detect magic, detect poison and disease, and see invisibility.

Of course, magic and skulldova is dead, so you can't cast any of these spells, but I will let you use this rod's other abilities.

It'll need a bird carved into it for sure, but it's a good start.

Yeah, Boggy shoves it in his back alongside his quiver, and then he's going to get to work taking down this monstrosity.

He notches an arrow and is going to get it in his sights, and then he's going to attack.

Go for it dirty 20 dirty 20 hits you know what i'll use my bonus action here to poison uh whoa this arrow if that's okay using the poison we got

that's nine damage four poison damage 13 damage total but i'm also going to use a superiority dice to make it a trip attack trip attack

So I'm aiming for one of the animal's legs.

Wow, okay.

So that's going to, I'm going to add a D8 of damage to that.

Okay.

11 damage total plus the four poison damage.

This thing is going to be immune to poison, actually.

Okay, it is poison incarnate.

It is poison itself.

Okay.

Good to know.

It looks nasty.

It likes it.

Oh, no.

It gains four HP.

I grab at the bisected man and I start shaking his collar.

Tell us what this monster is.

Is this your pet?

His spine pops out of his neck.

So the monster will need to make a strength save.

Okay.

DC 13.

Fails.

Only a 12.

Snick.

All right.

So the monster falls prone.

You enjoy its poison snack.

The monster, it's so many legs moving and flying, and they all skip across the mud.

It falls onto its belly.

That is Zudric's turn.

Okay.

Zodric is going to run forward, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp on his heavy metal boots.

He's going to launch again.

He's got three every short rest.

So he sticks it to pole vault the lance into the ground, jumps up and does a big heavy swing down.

Sick.

The monster is not as afraid as these bandits.

It just gnashes its teeth at you.

Yikes.

21 to hit.

Does hit.

Ooh, okay.

I'll do Savage Attacker.

13 plus the launch damage.

15 damage.

Okay.

This prone beast tries to turn over, tries to right itself, but before it does, you are able to leap off and stab into it.

It lets out another shriek, and it turns and locks eyes at Welly standing by the chasm.

Welly, that's your turn.

Okay, um, Welly is going to dig deep

because she

would like to live up to her company right now, so she's gonna put the ring that Timo gave her on, and she's going to activate her might of the gods so she grows two times her size, or at least has two times the strength.

Um, and then she's going to swing down.

Wellie just stands up straight for the first time.

24 to hit?

Does hit.

Okay, I'm going to say, Hilt rune, activate.

And

we just have to work on our stealth, guys.

16 damage plus 7 fire damage.

Whoa.

23 damage.

23?

Jesus.

And then it makes a strength-saving throw, or it will be restrained, which I think would restrain it in the prone condition.

Whoa, good work, Willie.

Okay.

That's a 19, so it passes.

Okay, passes, yeah.

But, I mean, miraculously, Welly, this slight knight is wrestling with this beast and actually giving it a fight.

You're landing blows, you're stabbing into it.

If I grapple it, would it stay prone?

I think large creatures usually can't.

I'm large right now.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, one size bigger, I think you can.

Oh, okay.

So I'm going to do an action surge to then grapple check, and I have advantage on my strength stuff because of the might of the gods.

Good lord.

Fuck yeah.

22.

Okay, this beast is going to roll contested.

That's a nat one.

Yes!

So I think I take like almost like a wrestler stance and say, I've wrestled a lot actually with inner demons, and then I'm gonna jump on top of the thing.

But like, I mean, I think that since magic isn't real, I think that I have like almost like otherworldly power right now.

Technically, according to giants, might, I like grow to a large size, but I like to

take the power of your runes, yeah, yeah, changing through you.

Yeah, so this giant insect is on its back, its arms and teeth are thrashing, it's trying to grapple welly, but you grapple it and you wrestle it and you hold it.

That's right, stay here, stay here.

You actually, as well as your runes, you feel pulsating in your hand.

This is a ring of protection.

It adds plus one to your AC.

Whoa!

Wow, thank you, Timo.

So you are strong from the gods and protected by the gods in this moment.

And this creature is shaking with anger in your hands, but it can't move.

It can't break free.

That's right.

I know you feel stirred to do things that would disgrace you, but just resist.

Stifle it.

Keep it deep down in the dungeon of your soul.

Projecting.

I can't imagine that's the case.

The bug titters confused for a second.

Just tell it to stay out of our sleeping bags.

Yeah, stay out of our sleeping bags.

They're covered in deer guts.

So Wellie is sprawled across this beast.

It can't do anything.

It is pulsating with anger and vengeance.

That's right.

Let the pulsations out.

The guilt is weighing her down.

She's so heavy.

It lets out a shriek that must mean stop trying to analyze me.

And it's going to make an attack against Welly with disadvantage.

15 to hit.

Miss it!

Wheeze!

Yes, it does.

It can't do anything, and that is background to Boggy.

Now that it's prone, Boggy's going to put his bow back over his shoulder and is going to pull out Egrit's wing and Grasp of the Asp, and he's going to rush in.

okay so i'll take uh advantage on my attack with grasp of the asp

that's an at 20

oh my god oh boggy's feeling hot oh boggy's feeling good i thought i'd live in that hole forever i thought that i was never gonna get out thank you i also thought you were dead zudrick started digging your grave i started feeling his grave he'd already fallen into one when you're in boggy's buds you should be ready to make a grave for your friends at a moment's notice

that's 13 damage on the short sword Okay.

And then I'll do my offhand light attack with my rapier.

That is a 17.

17 hits.

Just an extra D6 of damage.

That's six.

Whoa.

Woo!

19 damage.

This thing is on death's door.

Welly, as you grasp it, you start to see that its blood, its black blood, is mixing in with the rainwater and the muck where you're holding it strong.

Huh, I collect some.

I'm curious if this is the substance of black lace.

Ooh, good intuition.

I was just about to say this thing has no souls.

Don't worry about its spots.

I mean, I've eaten many a cricket in my day, but this does not look appetizing.

Indeed, we should cut it open and try it to me.

Oh my god.

Okay, roll for that.

22 to hit.

Absolutely hits.

16 damage.

16 damage.

Finish this giant bug.

I look at Welly like, perhaps there is a different way.

And then I once again bisect another creature.

This bug is writhing in your arms.

It's just about to break free, Welly.

It's struggling against you as Zudrick plunges his knife into its eye and it pulses one final shake and then goes still as you guys lie there besides this giant beast, this broken wagon, and these dead bodies of the bandits.

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Thanks for listening.

Now back to the bath.

Welly, where is it that you gather this strength?

I go over and I inspect the runes.

Yes, well, both of them have been used, but I'll carve them back in and I show you, I carve a star, and I say, this is the Lodestar's rune.

That is what allowed me to guide his attack at his friend instead of me.

And then this is, and I carve like the sort of crooked T, and I say, and then this is the Hilt's rune, and that is what gave me the fiery shackles.

Indeed, you are truly blessed.

Oh, no, just devoted.

Anyone who's devoted.

That's the thing is, if you pledged yourself to the Ender, the Lodestar in the Hilt today, I bet you would feel their magic whispering in you, too.

Well, I wouldn't say I'm pledged to the Ender, but we have an acquaintanceship for sure.

I see her lurking at the edges of the swamp at all times, taunting me.

Oh, I see.

Playing tricks.

Death will come for us all.

Yes, she represents something of...

An ending, and by representing an ending, also represents a beginning if you're an optimist.

Kind of like a hot girl at the other side of a party.

She is very hot, I have to say.

She's very attractive.

It's why I've

the courage to carve her rune into any of my equipment.

I need to horseback ride for a minute.

Well, before you do that, allow me to say this, Willie.

I do not think anyone can do this.

Do not give credits to the gods, that which you have done yourself.

Right, but Zutric, I think it's possible that their divinity works in you already.

You and that lance.

You defy gravity.

You're like Michael Jordan,

who is a great jouster.

You speak of Air Jordan.

I speak of Air Jordan.

Indeed, nobody had ever leaped off a horse until him.

God damn it.

There was nothing in the rulebook that said you couldn't just jump off the horse and dive back down.

We sing his songs around the campfire.

At least we did.

The joust came up to the monastery where I lived, and oh, it was a sight to behold.

I love the motto of his armor: joust do it.

All right, the chatter, the chatter is sufficient.

Joust, do it indeed.

Let some get off the roads now that it is collapsed and full of huge bugs.

Could I think well of your thoughts to collect some of this blood or whatever it is?

I would say, should we collect the carcass itself, or at least parts of it, and perhaps try to present it as a trade to get in good with the hermits there.

Oh, maybe we could do some human experimentation.

Um, I grab one of the dead bodies, uh, throw it up over my shoulder.

Perhaps we can see if I don't know, maybe the bugs are people or something.

That's the bugs are people, you know, your mind just jumped about.

I was gonna ask you,

and now's as good a time as any: are all your crows people trapped in birds?

You don't have to answer if you're not ready to talk it.

Absolutely answer.

The answer is no.

Okay.

I've only known them for like a month.

Okay.

Yes.

I wink.

Yes.

You're very lucky.

I often see the faces of my deceased foes just lurking, again, near the edge of the swamp, much like Lady Ender, but I think it's just my mind playing tricks on that.

It's just terrible grief.

All right.

Well, again, let's take a dead body with us.

Maybe we'll pour some of this gunk on them and see if it has a reaction.

Yeah, I think I'll dunk them up.

I'll take out some like perfume bottles, dump out the

victuals.

Yes, I guess first things first, I want to search one of these bodies and see if there's anything on them from the scared monks.

Or the scared ones.

Yes.

To see if these bandits have robbed anyone else recently or anything like that.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah, do you want to give me an investigation check?

Yes.

I think Wellie would also like to do one, but she's going to do it with disadvantage because she's never touched a dead body before.

Whoa, okay.

So Drake is being completely careless.

I'm trying to learn.

And with that, honestly, I'm so careless that I got a six.

So, I'm literally.

I also got a six.

Okay, great.

All right, this is how you do it.

Basically, you just like shake the pants around, see if anything falls out.

All right, sort of dangle the ankles.

Uh, here we go, shaking, nothing's really falling out.

Yep, I think we're good.

That's it.

See, just think of them as like objects, right?

Well, they are dead.

Yes, you're right.

Okay, so Willie's almost too tender, and as you lift up the body to show her how it's done, it slips apart because you did basically cleave it and it falls into the shaft below.

Um, shall we pour some of this gunk?

Gunk?

Should we perhaps uh try to glue that one back together with the gunk?

Yeah, let's try to.

I guess, like, I'll take out, I think I would have a courtly glove.

Okay, I didn't just one.

I take out one glove and I announce, I didn't steal this from the goodly lady Genevere.

And then I put it on.

Roger ignores the G written in it.

Shiver a little bit.

And then I'm going to dip it into the blood and sort of put it on the wounds.

All right, cool.

Give me a medicine check.

Okay.

I'll give you a help action.

Yep, right there.

13.

Okay, so with a 13, you're putting this, the gunk onto basically like a cleaved through body.

A corpse.

Yeah.

We can do it on.

We killed other ones, not in as savage a a way.

We can go to the one that Boggy killed.

You just slit that guy's throat.

Okay, so

you can smear it across the neck.

Yeah, as you do that, this guy, he doesn't pop up back to life, but you can see that the gash in his neck becomes kind of corrupted and there's something coursing through it, like something living in

this sludge.

His neck is rippling.

Oh, good.

Endos tits, that's incredible.

Sir, you blaspheme.

What did I say?

You said Ender's, and I won't say that other word.

All right, yes.

Ender's bosom.

I will baby bear you on that one.

All right, yes.

Well, it does seem like either they are harvesting these animals or creating them.

You think the monks are?

Perhaps if they're the ones who are selling it.

Can I, this is really crass, but can I look at, does it seem as though they're

like this bug produces milk?

What?

You want to look at the bug's bosom?

I'm looking at the bug's bosom.

Okay.

You can do that, and I won't make you roll because it's giant and this bosom would be nasty.

A nasty crew.

It would be apparent if the bug had the bosoms.

Okay, but it doesn't.

This is, yeah, this is not something.

This is, it's blood.

It's not, it's milk.

Gentle sirs, I've I've spared you the indignity.

I looked and the bug doesn't have a bosom.

Damn, I really could have gone for some cricket milk right now.

I shudder to think what would have happened if it did.

All right.

So let's bottle up some of the gunk.

Let's bottle up some gunk

and let's keep moving.

Okay.

And also, we should do the right thing here.

And I splatter this person that we just put the zombified stuff on.

You splatter them?

Yeah, I splatter them with my sword.

You absolutely eviscerate them further.

Make sure that we're not like setting up a zombie to attack a nearby village.

Very good.

Yes.

All right.

Nice.

Let us keep moving with our horses.

Right, you're stolen horses.

Are they scared?

Your horses have seen it all.

Yeah.

They're just munching grass next to all of this.

It's been a wild two hours.

It's been an absolutely wild two hours.

The horses were so unfazed.

I'm more faced than the horses.

Well, you know, proof that, you know, we probably just stole from murderers or something, so it's fine.

Okay.

The thunderstorm rolls on beyond you towards Mudtown.

As the day comes to an end, you reach a small footpath off the main road, just visible in the fading gray light.

This is the Heather Path.

It's a single-track dirt trail choked with roots surrounded by taller, overgrown vegetation.

The woods are thickening again here, encroaching from both sides.

About a mile up, there's a patch of grass the forest seems to have forgotten about.

A small clearing where you can set up camp for the night.

The tree canopy overhead has been your shelter from the rain for a bit now, but as you enter this glade, it stops altogether.

A cool breeze clears the sky, and the first stars of the night glimmer overhead.

All right, very well.

As I mentioned, uh, it is tradition amongst the boggy buds to dig shallow graves to sleep in.

So, I will uh get to cutting.

That makes sense for me.

Doesn't track for me yet, but I'm gonna try.

You know, those Instagram videos where like a guy like builds an entire house by like cutting into the mud?

We're basically gonna do that.

Oh, yeah.

I would like to think we bought some food when we were in the market.

Yeah, I think you guys knocked over a fishmonger's stand, so you could have taken some salted mackerel.

Oh, nice.

I'll cook some fish on the fire.

Steal from a fish baron.

Yes, the fruits of the fish baron's labor.

Cedric doesn't know how to do anything except for fight.

So he just like has a fish like he's cooking it like a marshmallow.

Oh,

scales on.

Cedric is burning a lot.

The eyes are still in.

Well I think I'll take over and try to cut the fish and debone it and get it a little bit nicer for eating.

You are wise young Willie.

Sounds delicious.

Do you want to give me a nature or a survival check?

I'll help Willie with this one.

Oh, thank you.

19.

Wellie, you prepare an immaculate fish.

I mean, this thing is gorgeous.

It's filleted, it's flaky, it's soft, it's crispy in all the right places.

Wow.

We live along the Keystone River and we fish in it, and I have oft cooked under the oak boughs.

Yes.

Well, the order is focused on preserving a very specific relic, the ore in which the gods paddled to discover this world.

And so we aren't really learning as much as we're preserving.

So we keep ourselves pure and true so that we can be bastions of purity so that no one gets their hands on the ore of the gods.

Sounds like a very expensive treasure.

Go on.

It does not appear.

It actually looks quite humble in person, though it does have a charisma to it when you are around it.

At least for me.

I see.

Yeah, so that is what we do.

That is what we did.

Do you feel a certain spiritualness when you are near the ore?

When I'm near the ore, what I feel is that what once was will be again, that they will come back, and all of the virtues and joys and delights and kindnesses that accompanied them will return alongside them.

You know, Welly, when I'm around around you, your optimism makes me feel like I could see another of the gods lurking on the edge of my vision in the swamp.

Well, Boggy, I'll confess when I'm around you, I feel like

what if I did just drop trow and dance and get drunk?

Perhaps it would not be in defiance, but rather

in reflection of the gods.

It won't kill you.

The endo's gonna do that anyway.

Too true.

And how I relish the idea of being choked out by her beautiful thighs.

Yes, it's weird that she does that.

It's weird that that's just in the scripture.

But you said you said we used to.

Does that.

Has your order broken, or have you just broken from your order?

No,

I mean, I think it's what is still professed.

When I say we used to, it's because I left.

But,

well,

honesty is a virtue, so I guess I'll just shoot straight from the hip.

There was a sense of decay in the order.

Like other people were more excited about all the courtly rituals than what we were supposed to be protecting.

That is the nature of humans.

Yes.

Yeah.

Sometimes you lose sight of your path and you just spend too much time hanging out in the swamp and partying.

I really look forward to that phase for me.

Oh, it's good.

Don't get me wrong.

But then you're just spending too much time planning the menu for the feast and not enough time working on the next heist, and it's just everyone's priorities get a little out of whack.

And it does feel like every feast just ends with you combing your pants in front of your crush.

I thought that happened the one time.

Welly goes silent.

Yes.

Listen, if we're going to be sitting around this fire and sharing truths, and I need to whip us up a batch of special brew.

And Boggy is going to prepare some sphagnum tea

for his guests.

What is this?

Basically, I just boil some moss and water and I add some special spices to it.

It's got a kind of a smoky mellow flavor.

You might enjoy it.

Interesting.

I have not heard of this, so I do.

I cannot confirm whether or not it would dull the senses, and thus I will.

No, I know that you two wish not to imbibe, so I've prepared this as an alternate treat.

Wow, thank you, dude.

I drink it so fast.

Ah, it scalded me!

Do you not know what tea is?

Why did the water fight me?

Do you know about soup?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, it's like soup, but just the drink part.

It's like soup.

I take out a spoon.

No, well.

I'm just drinking through the grate in my helm.

I still haven't taken my helmet off.

Have you taken your helmet off since we've met you?

Not at all.

Please.

So, Zudrich,

get comfortable.

Yes, I am comfortable.

Zoo.

Well, actually, I am never comfortable.

Zooi, come on.

Do you sleep in the helm?

Of course.

Why?

Because that is when I am most vulnerable.

That is when someone might slit my throat.

I have a question, and you can.

You don't have to answer right now.

Very well.

Is your brain exposed and the helmet is the only thing keeping it in?

That is so specific, and the answer is no.

Okay,

I wink.

Right.

Yes.

Bad haircut.

Yes.

In my experience, um,

the ones closest to you are the ones most likely to try to murder you in your sleep and whatnot.

Who tried to murder you?

I was a knight in the faraway fjords, and there have been many rebellions, many unseatings and seatings of leaders.

I have been on both sides of rebellion.

And people would turn on you?

People that you had professed to fight alongside?

Of course, yes.

And I have turned on people as well.

What made you turn on people?

When their words

contradicted their actions.

I've worked for petty kings and Jorls who proclaimed to be people of honor and then reaped the land that they claimed to help.

And I have replaced those with others who went on to do the same thing.

And so so on and so on and so on that's why i left did it ultimately make you feel like there is no one with the strength of character to wield those positions yes are you an anarchist yes

wow

are you boggy

why don't want to put a label on it wow

As you come to this realization, you hear the unmistakable sound of a twig snapping underfoot.

There's a rustle in the trees.

Someone is approaching.

What do you do?

Throw my axe at it.

I'm on a hair trigger.

I'm going to attack.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

There's no way Zudrick doesn't toss an axe at it.

I'll try.

If they're a good person, I'll try to save them.

I think my worldview today is that I'm going to attack.

Okay.

I've been attacked enough.

Okay, I only got a 12.

I got a nat 20.

Jesus.

Oh, my God.

We have corrupted Welly.

What are you attacking with?

A axe?

No, I think we have to.

I think if we are a snap and it's dark, we'd probably have to roll with disadvantage or do like

a ranged thing because you're hearing this noise in the woods.

I got a nat 20 again.

Wow.

Oh my god.

Wellie, do you have something ranged?

No, I don't.

I don't.

I was just attacking with a great axe.

I'm attacking you.

I think you could fucking throw anything, right?

If you roll two nat 20s, I'm going to let you throw the axe.

Boggy, are you attacking the noise in the woods as well?

Boggy's going to take a big sip of tea and hold it in his mouth, notch an arrow, and just dart for the woods.

Okay, all right.

So, Boggy is going to go get some cover.

Boggy's more used to this type of thing.

Zudrick tosses an axe, and Welly,

still with the might of the giants, guided by the Lodestar, hurls a great axe into the darkness.

Ah!

Fish berries and scholars!

19

damn

damage!

Jesus!

Okay,

So.

Oh, no.

Declare yourself.

Are you a petty king or a yarl or a scholar or a fish baron?

Smell them well.

I was going to declare myself.

I was going to declare myself.

I was ready to.

Oh, what have you done?

Do they smell of whole fish and salt?

Oh, undertake me.

I sniff him.

Oh,

I come as a friend.

I come as a friend.

In the middle of the night?

You snapping twigs, you should have yelled.

In the middle of the night?

I didn't mean to snap a twig.

I didn't mean to scare you.

I wrestled a giant bug today.

Are you alive still?

This is why you always hum slowly when you're approaching a campfire.

I can hack it.

I can hack it, I think.

All right, very well.

Hold your hands up and approach.

He holds his hands up and he walks into the clearing.

As he approaches, Boggy is going to spray the tea out of his mouth and then tackle him to the ground.

Oh, no, I declared myself, didn't I?

Can't be too careful, friend.

All right, well, we'll decide whether or not we should apologize to you.

What is your name and what is your business?

Yeah, what is your business?

My name is Mathis.

Sir Mathis Dyer.

You guys can roll.

Do you want to roll a perception check to see anything, if you can see anything about him?

Ooh, I get advantage on these now because of my rod.

Oh, I'll have it.

I got a four.

I'm gonna

think he's still dangerous.

Yeah, okay.

You think he's the bug still?

And what fish baron do you work for, sir?

Why do you keep saying fish?

Cruel Yoral.

What fish baron?

I don't know nothing about fish.

Could be a poultry baron.

Did anybody else get a perception check?

17.

Okay, so you can see bleeding across his doublet.

His cloak is fastened with a pewter rose, dark with age, worn smooth at the edges.

And the pommel of his sword, which was at his side, not raised.

It was in its hilt.

But the pommel is an intricate spider web.

This man is in service of the Duke of Silk, the richest man in Silver Sand.

I'm Sir Mathis Dyer,

sworn to the service of the Duke of Silk.

I was going to ask who you were, but forget it.

You do have to tell me if you don't want me.

I don't want to.

I am Zudric of the murder.

Okay.

Okay.

And I am your worst nightmare.

I raised my axe again.

Please.

We have no love for the Duke of Silk here.

State your purpose.

I just...

My lord.

My lord is a proud man.

He's too proud to admit that his wife is gravely ill, and too ashamed to reveal that the missing adventurers you seek are his own children.

Lila and Braxton.

They defied him, venturing into that cursed castle with their honor guard, Sir Holden.

Sir Mathis's horse whinnies and stomps his thick hooves and steps into the clearing, too.

I imagine you guys don't attack the horse.

No.

In fact, I look at the horse and I say, There is a better path.

It would be good to have a spare horse.

Come to me, Lady Genevere.

Please don't take my horse.

You can't name every horse, Lady Genevere.

Mind your own business.

I come offering help.

I come offering my aid if I can.

What were you doing out here?

I wanted to give you support if you wanted it when you went into the castle.

He pulls out a delicate silver necklace.

This belonged to Lila.

You notice that his hand is shaking.

Maybe because you stabbed him, but maybe because it means a lot to him.

May I?

Can I reach toward the necklace?

Yeah.

He hands it to you.

I want to inspect it to see if there is anything magical about it or anything more than meets the eye.

Yeah, do you want to give me an arcana check to see if you can feel anything from this necklace?

I got a 15.

So this necklace is a thin silver chain with a crystal vial at the end, and it's almost glowing in the twilight, and it feels warm in your hands.

This does feel like there's some kind of ancient magic or some kind of ancient power imbued with the liquid inside.

And Sir Mathis says,

It's it's called daybreak.

If you apply it to your weapon in battle, it can help turn the tide.

Yes, well, you seem to know

something

of the missing adventurers, but how did you know that we were going after them?

I escorted my lord, the Duke himself, to Leviathan Inn, so we could give the job to Rorik, the bartender.

The one with the fancy boots, and you watched us.

That was him.

He wouldn't trust a messenger to deliver the message.

He doesn't want anyone to know that

his own children would defy him.

Can I do just a general insight on Sir Mathis?

Sure.

That's a five.

I think with a five,

he's so shaken up by what has just transpired that you don't know, like, you don't know if he's telling the truth, if he's lying.

He's this is all spilling out of him

without any real intonation or inflection that you can clean upon.

Okay.

Listen, when you go back to your castle and you renew your allegiance to your duke, we are not friends, but

in the woods, in the dark, by the firelight, we can be allies.

I will offer you a cup of sphagnum tea if you will sit and tell us more.

Would you would you take this axe out of me

if you wish it?

I say no, but then I slowly remove it.

Oh,

Ender's nips.

Thank you.

We say Ender's Possum around here.

Yes, please.

Apologize.

It's appropriate otherwise.

My God, God, man.

I apologize for my indecency.

Sir Mathis, is there any chance that what your Duke was doing was unkind to the scared ones?

And Lila and Braxton were going to remedy his theft of their trade secrets?

I don't know what Lila and Braxton were thinking.

All I know is my Duke was buying up black lace to prolong his wife's life.

But

what it's done to her.

I don't know how much of her is left.

Please describe in detail because we have this.

I show him the dark blood.

This came from a bug.

This came from a bug.

She smeared it on a corpse.

And it has some strange effects.

His eyes go wide when he sees that.

Yes, yes.

My god, it's thick.

That's thicker than the black lace that I've seen.

Yes, I think they're milking bugs and watering it down.

Well, they're not milking.

I checked.

Are they milking the bugs for the milk?

It's not regular milk, you know what I mean.

Do the bugs have a tit or a bosom, excuse me.

No, they don't have a bosom, but it's a bad thing.

But you know what?

Here's the thing.

You don't need a tit to milk something.

If you ever milked a snake for their venom friend, it comes out in a different place.

You can milk like oats or something to make oat milk.

That's true.

Yes, we've all got our nut bags on us, don't we?

I can't say I have.

I can't say I have.

With all due respect, get a nut bag and come back here.

Traveling the woods without a nutbag?

My man.

Sir Dyer hops on his horse and gallops into the distance.

She comes back a day and a half later.

We've waited for you.

He looks at the vial and he says, and pardon me, but this looks like what is oozing from her mouth and from her eyes.

Nobody can go in that room.

She attacks anyone who does.

Oh.

And then Lila and Braxton, they, I don't know if they were coming to get more or if they were coming to find the source so they could cure their mother.

They left without telling us.

I must confess, Sir Dyer, I wrote a much less flattering narrative of your duke.

I assumed him to be doing something nefarious, not something beautiful, like prolonging the life of his gentle lady.

Likewise.

I don't agree.

Death comes for us all.

Him putting other people in peril to save one person.

He seems selfish and terrible.

Wow.

I honor my duke because it's my duty, but I rode out to meet you because I care for Lila.

Oh,

are you guys kissing?

Sir Diarr blushes.

They are kissing.

Good question, Willie.

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

I couldn't say.

You dog.

You're kissing your boss's daughter and she's kissing you.

Please don't.

I can't.

Well, no.

Okay, this will be.

You can't have two people jizzing their pants.

Just let it out if you need to.

I didn't.

I never did.

I wouldn't.

How?

Teach me your secrets.

Right?

Teach me your secrets.

Alright, you're in.

You're in.

What is it whiskey in for?

Something to learn from somebody.

Alright?

Look.

Listen.

You have a personal reason for this mission.

We have a monetary reason for it.

You will not be cut in, but we will allow you to come to look for your little friend or whatever.

I can't stay.

My duke will miss me in the morning.

I just wanted to give you this vial this daybreak to help and to ask you please to do your best to bring light, to bring both the kids back.

But if you have to choose, choose

the thing that's going to be.

Can I ask you a question?

Is there something

if we are to meet Lila and she is perhaps in a weakened state, maybe she has been administered blacklace or something like that,

is there a secret between the two of you that might bring her back to herself?

An inside joke, a word of love, a memory?

For me, it would be when the lady Genevere

reached out her

talk.

Go on.

No.

You know what?

This isn't about me.

What were you going to say?

That's way too hot.

Don't tell it by the fire.

Listen, back at our camp in the day, we would have a special little area people could go if it just got too much, okay?

I can set up some leaves for you if you need.

I do think full privacy hutch.

Some people need a corner release every once in a while.

Maybe we do need to set up an area because people are carnal releasing in their pants.

We do need a carnal corner.

Let's phase it.

We need a carnal corner.

All right?

Because this is too much.

If you need to crack Karn, you can go over there.

But, Sir Dyer, is there anything that we could say to her to recall her true self if she is diminished?

He blushes again.

I really shouldn't say, but you can remind her, delicately, of course, of the walk we shared in the evening in the Duke's rose garden.

And

how she wore a nightgown with

no stockings.

I saw her nude feet.

Oh, well, God, man.

You guys hear the smack of Welly fainting.

Oh, it's too much.

I knew it was too much.

Sorry, I didn't mean to kink shame.

Oh, it's despicable, isn't it?

Bring it in, brother.

No, I'm out here.

Do you have like a handkerchief or something that we could just give to her so that she knows...

Oh, she'll think we murdered you.

I kind of give off that look.

We'll just tell her about the the walk.

That's much better than handing her your stuff.

Because honestly, if I hold on to it, it's going to get covered in blood.

It's going to send the wrong message.

Yes, we really need to dump your armor in the stream at some point.

Yes, unfortunately, I'll be wearing it, so I will have to just go for a swim.

Listen, Mathis, I do think we owe you an apology to a certain extent.

I thought maybe you needed an escort there, and I was kind of pissed off that you were going to come along with us because you were working for this duke, and I don't understand.

I don't really like him very much, but you just came to give us something, so

thank you.

We appreciate that.

We're sorry for throwing axes at you.

Wellie, I think, is sorry for hitting you with an axe.

Right, when she wakes up, tell her that it's fine.

Yes,

she's out, she's not breathing, she's so

scandalized.

My god, she's got a smile on her face, though.

Wellie's smiling and writhing.

We're going to put her in the carnal corner.

Put her in the carnal corner.

She's whispering, I can smell the roses.

Would it be all right if I gave our companion here a potion?

I don't want him to get mugged by bandits on the way back.

I'm fine, really.

The Duke has a stockpile of healing elixirs and healing drafts back at the castle.

And Zudrich, he unclasps

his cloak and he'll give you his brooch if you need to show that to Lila.

Okay, maybe could you write a little note and say that I didn't kill you?

And not with a shaky hand that makes it look like I killed you.

Alright, do it calmly.

Now, quickly, calmly.

Be so calm while you do.

Mr.

Mathis scrawls a note so shaky.

He has to do it two more times.

You're having a shaky hand.

Calm, just calm down, all right?

I'll try.

I'll look over your shoulder here just to make sure that it's good.

He writes, it's all good.

He writes, it's all good in a note.

Say it's all good in the neighborhood, just so it's casual, huh?

Maybe say it's all zud, and that's like a thumbnail donation.

Yeah, she's all zud.

Zud is my pal.

It's not my parlance.

I think think she's my part of the murder.

It's all good in the neighborhood.

Zud is good.

These guys are my pals.

This is the murder.

You guys force him to write a rambling note,

which he does, which he does sign all my love.

All right, all right.

And with that, he hands you the note.

He's handed you daybreak.

He starts to turn and he says, I wish you well.

May the Lodesta guide all of you back home.

And with that, he noiselessly leaps onto his saddle and darts off into the wooded night, leaving you in the clearing with a softly glowing vial and a note to the missing Lila from the knight who loves her.

And that's where we'll end our session.

Wow, did not see you guys attacking the knight.

Okay.

He attacked the knight.

I mean, we were just talking about how we don't trust anyone anymore.

I feel like Wellie has been attacked more in her life today than she's ever been attacked.

True.

And she's ending the day on a cortisol high that she's never experienced.

It absolutely makes sense.

And he's going to be okay.

Attacking someone and then inviting them to drink is just like normal for Boggy.

That's just like an everyday thing.

Fair enough.

Another great episode.

So sick, dude.

Dude, thank you guys.

I'm in.

All right.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, we'll talk about this more over in our short rest, our Patreon, patreon.com slash NADPOT.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

Don't sing yet.

Don't do it.

Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug?

I just watched the TV show Agatha All Along on a plane ride and it was fucking fantastic.

Oh, I would like to plug the NAPO fan calendar, which came out.

It was so cool.

It's incredible.

A bunch of artists got together and did like a monthly calendar with like all the NADPO characters in it.

And it was for charity.

I think you can still grab one if you go to, you know, just Google NadPod calendar and it'll come up.

Or you can go to linktr.ee/slash nad calendar and that'll get you there.

Hell yeah.

Pick one up.

They're really fun.

And thank you so, so much to all the amazing fans and artists that put that together.

Always.

Thank you.

So right on.

And you can follow us on social media that Remy Renet use at CH FirstMe at Cald Discaldo, Addie Extra Demi, and at Trager's Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NADPOD.

That's NADDPOD.

We are, we are the youth of the nation.

We are, we are the youth of the nation.

It's the end of the show, everybody, and that means I need to shout out our benevolent council of elders, starting with Brad D, Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, Later McSkater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle the Dastardly Dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T, aka Balnor's Boy, Hoyd's friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray, Christopher B, Daniel R, Jordan L, Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald, Targot, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebuker, the unemployed, but it was a toxic job, so it's not a bad thing.

Princess Yar, Jory S, Rachel from Animorphs, Jack L, Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohumia, Mike H, Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F., Herodrian, Carborough Chapel Hill, FPV, Rexthaniel the White, Cece Lulu, Olcob's Dunkel, Older Byrne, Hercule Poirot, the Rabbit Folk Detective, Timmy R, Raiko, Calder, Comes Cold, shout out to the Colt Cum Companions, Frosty Facial, Taylor B, maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way.

Cass Strong Grinch, Steven, the virtuous pagan guide of Bear Hell C, Mike K, Nick W, William W, Big Bad Beard of the Mad, Ananorama, Percival Frederick Stein, Von Mussel, Klazowski, De Rolo III, Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock, Manase Hegemony, Ben A, Dave H, Dustin S, Not That Nick, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Book Vars Assistant Issy F, Big Bad John, DPC is Awesome, Hashtag HonorTheCock, Sean, the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zelbaldar, Summer Rose, aka Grand Tear, Mark the Dark Lord's Taint, Cat C, Misa of House and Zunza, Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena N, aka Valay Sea Raptor, B.

Perky Always, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie the Faywild Therapist, Connor S, Salil, BioQuirt 7, Amber Dextris, Bean Rat WasInnocent, Jack H, King of the Mole People under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament, Valen, Podge, the Bitchin' Bunny Bard, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywug Boy, Hashtag Honor the Cock, James G, Everything Bago, the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, stripey, reverend chatterbones, han,

Eric B, Marcos, learns the balanced druid, Frida M, Maggie, Holly the Green Laughing Hyena, Cal misses the D5s with all her heart, Aaron B, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes, the whole thing, yes, every time, Cody C, Lorelei the Succubi, and Kyra the Succulent Snack, McKenna Stout, Your Friendly Neighborhood Yaunt and Yunkle, Andrew and Sid, John Adams, we can be done with presidential puns, Meg, the mail carrier of Bahumia, James F., Austin S, Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 69,

Shane C, Barpo Good Barrel, Bard Barian, Garrett G, aka One Big Curd, Renee the Monster Captain, Olivia the Enchanting Bard, and Jared the soap opera cleric who will be auditioning for Callie's acting troop.

Winter Slade, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Damon, son of that one merchant named John, Valkyrie, the Gert Sea brother, Anthony, the rattest of dudes, Jay, the fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo.

Yeet!

Cantrip Dumblore, the bare onesie-wearing barbarian, Lexi loves the two crew, thank you, Lexi.

Roger L, Nodrog, the pass-a-fist barbarian, Gino T, John Luca, Tristan the talentless hunk, Leon K, legendary hero of Bahumia from a future campaign, Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S, Alexander, Lins W, Johnny Dude K, Pavu Eskinar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile, Tim M, TR, MLG Cheeto, Shell B, Kenna's first favorite sprite girl.

What a way to kick off Skaldova.

DM her crits, removing my Elizabethan collar in reverence.

Snailus, who's infecting Worcester from within.

Captain Morgan, Pirate Wizard, Pawpaw Skydays, Mima Skydays, Megan N, Anthony B, Savannah H, Boundor's best friend Steve, Stephanie of House and Zunza, Benjamin A, Gimli the Corgi, Pawpon Foster's canine friend, Mikel A, Josh H, Pilot of the Nightmareverse Flight, Froky, the two crew blew through, Jennery, Ethan the Mailman, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashosaurus, Seth E, Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, Michael LS, Michael LS II, Carl B, Plumber of the Realm, Dex Riddlewell, Hannah A, Ra, Ace Dregs, High Lord of Critzburg, Darius D, the guy from that one thing, Troy's mom, Vin Diagram, Ketamilius the Consumed, A Gun, Banjo Boy of the Flatlands with two working kidneys, Bard of Holding, Clinton P, Grinchful, Cam the Grinch, Frogman, Dean, Jake W.

Hi Mom, Tuesday Cross, the choose your own adventure writer, not the porn star.

Steve L, Tyler McM, Alex G, Zibadabacheri, Nicole, Kaylee H, Katarina C, Lady Jacqueline P of Castle Whitestone, Greg W, wants the D20 truck nuts Jake thought up.

Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur, working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide, literally Satan, Chupac Aubrey, Boney is Dead, Cohen Pace, The Duke of Silk's Missing Son, and finally, the Water Worth.

Thank you all so much for listening.

Thank you to all of our listeners and all of our Patreon subscribers.

We'll be back next week with another episode.

In the meantime, you can head on over to our Patreon to listen to our after-show, The Short Rest.

We'll catch you all next time.

That was a headgum podcast.