Skaldova - Ep. 1: The Castle in the Cave

This is a head gum podcast.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign.

This is not another DD podcast.

Welcome to Skaldova.

Skulldova.

We found it.

I kind of went a different direction, but we found it, okay?

Sorry.

We booked out a church and rehearsed, man.

I was doing a different thing.

We went for a Dark Souls thing that ended up kind of being, I was on the one side.

You guys are on the other.

It's fine.

Let's move on.

Let's move on.

Take you to the DM.

Now, this is collaborative storytelling already.

I'm your DM, Jake Hurwitz, joined by Brian Murphy.

I'm not telling you shit about my character, except I kind of sound like this.

You'll find out more about him when you meet him.

Yeah, Emily Axford.

Emily Axford's not here, but someone else is.

Wait to meet her.

And of course, Caldwell Tanner.

Mysteries abound, chums.

I quit.

A little bit of housekeeping as we jump into characters and everything.

We're going to try out a little something new with the schedule.

I think we're going to try two on, one off for the actual plays.

So instead of doing bi-weekly, we'll do two, and then we'll have a catch-up week where we put out DD court or something like that.

So expect to see these Skaldova episodes with two actual plays with short rests on the Patreon and then one bonus content thing the off week every third week.

With that, throwing back to Jake.

Let me welcome you again to Skaldova.

Knock it off.

A world once full of magic and wonder, tieflings and trolls, almighty gods, and even a few heroes.

But now, it's a harsh, wind-beaten continent far removed from its enchanted past.

Life is bleak here unless you're born into the right circumstances.

There's no more fighting for glory, just struggling for gold.

We begin our story in a backwater town on the Bay of Steel.

The true name of this village is lost to time, but the nobles from across the bay call this place Mudtown.

Mudtown.

No one ends up in Mudtown on purpose.

Everyone here is either looking for something or running from something, and half the time it's both.

It's late evening and early spring.

the kind of night where the cold clings stubbornly to the air like a jealous lover not willing to let go.

A razor-thin crescent moon hangs low over the harbor, throwing what little light it can on weather-beaten ships as they lay at their mooring.

The docks are a tangle of slick splintered wood and creaky old skiffs knock restlessly against them.

Up a crooked cobblestone hill, we find a candlelit tavern with no sign but a name everyone knows anyway.

This is Leviathan Inn.

Inside Leviathan Inn, warped timbers hang low overhead and a broad stone hearth glows against the far wall.

The giant jawbone of some ancient sea beast hangs above the mantle.

And behind a long bar, Rorik Farflung, a middle-aged dwarf with a bald pate and thick hands, pours patrons one of four drinks.

Light, dark, smoky, or sweet.

There's a small crowd in the bar.

We've got a hulking man and a fisherwoman talking past one another, a very drunk group of sailors singing obscene songs in a small booth, and an elven ship captain sitting in fine but faded garments, muttering to himself as he gazes out a blown glass window.

And of course, we have three other patrons.

Would you guys like to introduce your characters?

Who are you and what are you doing?

Oh shit, should we roll initiative?

We got it.

All right.

Okay.

Jake, by the way, I'm there.

I am so there.

That was beautiful.

I'm imagining this so dimly lit.

It's so damn dim.

I'm squinting.

I'm squinting, brother.

All right, I got a 12.

My first roll was a 10, which is,

you know, extremely mediocre.

I got a 10 too.

Oh, okay.

What's your dex?

Oh, my dex is, my initiative is plus five.

Okay, so you're faster.

faster than dex is plus three.

There you go.

What'd you get him?

I got four.

Perfect.

All right, Col, you're up.

Ah, so you see sitting at the bar, kind of talking the ear off of the bartender, is Boggy Roger.

Boggy is a lumbering, mossy mound of a man.

He wears a drab green cloak, tall waxen boots, and a brown floppy hat that covers every part of his face, save for his bushy black beard and piercing blue eyes.

Boggy hails from the mosslands near Goodport, where, until recently, he and a crew of kind-hearted outlaws known as Boggy's Buds ambushed and robbed the nobles and merchants traveling through the swamp they call home.

They used the funds for feasts, merriment, and the distilling of fine peat-smoked spirits.

Everything was going great until they caught the ire of a local fish baron who had Boggy's crew hunted down and summarily executed.

Fish baron.

Ever since that day, Boggy has sworn to seek vengeance against the the Baron.

But for now, he finds himself biding his time while refilling his coffers and seeking out a new crew to aid in his quest.

So I think we see Boggy sitting at the bar and he's like just deeply discussing the distilling process for peat-smoked whiskey.

He's saying, oh, oh, this is good, but what you really need to do, and he actually puts a big brick of peat moss like on the table.

Take some of this, my gift, my treat, and what you're going to want to do is just burn that sucker until it's charcoal black, and you're going to want to just roast the barley in that until it's got like a nice golden texture to it.

And that's really going to get that smoky flavor that you want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what you're going to want to do is give me some money for your drink quickly.

Could we?

I feel like we could call it even because of the moss here.

Take your drink and take your moss, please.

I'll just leave you a little moss.

Thank you.

Rourke closes his eyes and wishes Boggy away.

Good eve to you, sir.

Boggy takes his drink drink and yeah kind of just a little too happily saunters over to an empty table

for just getting told off you skip to a table

great uh murph what about you you see clanging into the doorway is zudrick of the murder zudrick looks like a rusty dark souls knight like a knight in dark souls that doesn't attack you but you can tell that he's gone mad.

So, just soaked in blood, in

rusty armor, head to toe, has his full helm on.

You just see the great,

has an enormous, like, anime sword, and a giant bag full of something bloody.

You see crows around him near the open door here.

Oh, hey, and he lets out a

come on, shut the door.

Zudrick caws out at the birds as if to say something to them

and then walks in with the bag.

Hello.

Do you have discounts if you provide your own meat?

Good evening, Zudrick.

For the thousandth time, we do not.

Okay, then.

I'll have a water.

Oh, help me, gods.

Rorik pours the water with the energy of somebody who has served Zudrick only water for how long do you think you've been in town?

Yes.

Sure, you don't want to drink anything stronger?

Ell dulls the senses.

We must be vigilant in the night.

Vigilant in the night, yes.

Rorick like finishes your sentence.

He's heard it before.

Thanks for not bringing the birds in at least.

And Emily, what about your character?

I think my character is actually outside, not in.

I think that she is currently fighting off the crows as she tries to pitch a tent.

My character is Willie Hamdam, a disgraced knight of the Order of the Oaken Ore.

She is rosy-cheeked and dimpled, with cherubic wisps spilling from her mousy hair that she's braided into a halo around her head.

A halo?

Cinderella.

A halo braid.

She's got an Elizabethan collar poking out from barnacle-encrusted plate mail and a sea green tabard embroidered with a wave and an oar and accented with river pebbles.

She's also got a quill made from a heron feather tucked behind her ear and a bark bound folio as well as a bunch of weapons strapped to her back with oak handles.

And I think right now she's trying to fight off the crows as she pitches this tent.

Good sirs, I beg of thee.

I beg of thee.

Peace, good sirs.

Okay, so as this commotion is happening outside, your weapons are like clanging against the window as you're trying to fend off the crows.

I'm getting cornered by crows.

Good guy.

I say there, Crowman, Crowman.

It seems your birds are causing quite a ruckus out there.

Yes.

Attention!

Sirs!

Please do.

I run outside to the crows.

Edgar, Tabitha!

Salem, Sabrina, stop!

You have a bond with these crows?

I am Sedgeric of the Murder.

We look out for each other.

Really?

Yes.

Is that a family name?

I have no use for family names anymore.

Oh, I'm Willie Hamdam of the Order of the Oaken Ore.

Oh.

Well, I was.

Do you need any of these crows killed?

You see, Boggy has his arrow drawn.

Sudrick goes to draw his huge Dark Souls sword.

Oh, man.

Just to you before you injured.

Tis a jest.

Tis a jest, friend.

I don't like jokes.

Listen, why don't you all come in with me?

I'm happy to share this small thimble of smoky whiskey.

Well, first off, alcohol dulls the senses.

We must be vigilant.

I couldn't agree more.

Chastity and purity are two of my five knightly virtues.

Oh,

I'm mostly worried about being murdered at night because of where I come from.

Ah, of the murder.

Yes.

Tracks.

Yes.

Um, well, look, um, do any of you guys know how to dress a deer?

And I unload the bloody bag that I have and I pour it onto the ground.

Welly hears this and before she sees the bloody bag, she in her courtly upbringing says, ah, yes, I can dress a deer and begins to take off her Elizabethan collar to offer it to a deer.

Oh, that's hilarious.

You're very funny, Willie.

Oh, guts.

Oh, yes, yes.

This was, it was a quick, clean kill.

I have a deal with the crows.

They tell me where the game is, and I hunt it, and I share it with them, but the people of this tavern will not cook it for me.

I'm a soldier, unfortunately, not much of a survivalist.

Actually, uh, I could use your help.

Uh I've only just come to town, and I'm going to need to learn how to provide for myself outside of the bounds of nightly companionship.

Well, then I suppose I could help with that.

I have uh lived in the woods for nigh on five plus years.

I have got some experience with gutting and cleaning of animals.

Would you mind if I took a look at that?

Yes, please.

Can I roll a survival check, maybe?

Yeah, go for it.

I'll give him the help action.

Nice.

Remember to save some for the crows.

Very good.

Yes.

I love your heron feather, by the way.

I'm friends with all of the animals of the bog and the marsh.

Oh, thank you.

I use it for sonneteering.

Yes, of course.

Boggy smiles and has no idea what you mean.

I smile, assuming you understand.

Another man of letters.

I find myself amongst kindred spirits.

Indeed, it's all good.

Ooh, that's a 19.

So that's going to be a 21.

Wow.

And you're trying to skin a deer to skin a deer right outside the smack.

Blocking the door.

Yes, sirs.

I do plan to lay a sleep sack here.

If you wouldn't mind moving some of the guts away.

Now, lad, what you're going to want to do is you've got to get right under the nape of the neck and just slice right down.

Oh, that's a Valor sleep sack you've just ruined.

It'll come out in the creek, I'm sure.

Two residents of Mudtown are approaching the bar and they see a dead deer strewn in front.

You guys are skinning it.

They turn heel and they walk away.

Now now, there's sausage for all.

You can be part of the murder.

They run.

I walk towards them, clanging.

They sprint away.

Does this make me complicit in a murder?

Because that's implicitly forbidden amongst the order of the oaken ore.

They have a problem with groups of crows.

Oh, no, no, no.

Those are quite encouraged.

You're hilarious, Willie.

Japes upon Japes.

Rora comes to the door.

Okay, fine.

In or out?

You're blocking the door.

Ah, good sir.

I have only just arrived in town.

This kid, this kid was pitching a tent at your doorstep for some reason.

Yes, which is not okay, but I don't know what you said to these crows.

You're riling them up.

Okay, Zandre?

They're hungry.

They're not calming down.

They're hungry good sir Farflung I have a a tarp that I could lay upon the floor would you mind if we carve this deer within the confines of your tavern yes come in so you don't scare anybody else away please very well we will be taking the discount since I did provide the meat yes of course you don't have to pay for your water it's on the house tonight great I will take a water as well Good, great.

Water's all around then.

I'll take...

Be vigilant.

Yes, I'll take some water to mix with my whiskey, of course.

Of course.

The night will be long.

What did you say your name was again?

I turned to Boggy.

Boggy Roger, damn good to meet you, sir.

Oh, yes.

I have heard of your compatriots and the demise.

Goosome.

Yes, yes.

Boggy's buds.

Grim stuff.

But, but that is all right.

I have sworn vengeance, and one day they shall be avenged.

And that is as sure as the Inda comes for us all.

It shall happen upon this, I swear it.

Pardon my churlish curiosity.

But what happened to your buds?

Ah.

It sounds almost like a knightly order, which I have much experience with.

Don't get too into them.

But why?

I find myself very interested in Boggy's buds.

So Drick is just doing the like gut it out thing with his, like, around the throat.

If I may be so impudent, I endeavor to meet them all.

Oh!

My chumps.

You pull at my heart, much as I pull at this deer's guts.

Indeed, they were many and they were wonderful.

There was Longest Tom, Sister Bix, Dandio Candles, Flute Boy, Grunchums, William Schitz, and our sweet Lady Linnabeth.

Ah, I fear that we caught the ire of a local fish baron, and they were all taken.

I was, of course, off on a mighty hunt for a large stag, much like this one.

And when I arrived at my campsite, I found my buds either slain or absconded with by the baron.

All except for Lady Linabeth, who is now dating a professor or some such.

I'm not quite sure.

Skylight's honestly, it's fine.

It's great.

That's a great thing.

It's a terrible story.

I'm so sorry that that's happened to you.

No, it's all right.

This is...

Such are the matters of this world.

Such is the way.

Oric returns with your waters.

And

he hears Boggy Roger telling this story, which he has heard before.

And he quickly deposits the waters and goes away.

It was a stag as black as night.

I should have known it as an omen.

Sorry I brought it up.

It comes up every night at the tavern.

But it's kind of the the first thing.

When you think of Baki Roger, you think of Baki's buds.

And so just noticeably absent when I got to the...

A drink!

A drink to lost buds!

Yes.

And new friends.

Indeed, us humans are pack animals after all.

Yes, I find my I'm used to sort of the communal living of the monastery, but now I find myself the solo act.

Yes.

A lone wolf, as it were.

Hmm.

A crow without a murder.

You just keep saying that word that's forbidden to me.

Yes, well, I find myself in similar circumstances.

I am currently traveling alone, but I am a soldier.

I am not much use without the

pleasures of society, unfortunately.

Well, I was planning on just coming here to Mudtown because I heard that this was a place where disgraced people gathered, and considering I am a disgraced person, I thought maybe I could redeem myself here.

Disgraced people don't like to be called disgraced, Joe.

Why?

I am disgraced.

The first step in becoming graced again is to acknowledge that you are disgraced.

Well spoken.

Well spoken, Sir Welly.

Okay, so as you guys are carving this stag in the open bar, spraying blood everywhere, a tall, angular man slips into the tavern.

His hood is pulled low.

He moves straight to Rorik, pressing a small scroll into his hand.

Rorik passes him a drink in return, and as he reads, the man leans in, murmurs something, and Rorik nods.

You guys can roll perception here if you want to see if you can notice anything about the stranger.

Willie gets very excited upon seeing the scroll.

Did you see that?

I believe he's passed a sonnet to his friend.

You can pay for drinks with sonnets here.

I got him that one.

I got him.

I got a 16.

Boggy and Zudrick, you guys see that this guy is wearing a pretty common cloak, but the boots that he's wearing are expensive looking fur boots, the kind that you would probably buy across the bay in Silver Sand.

Look at the trim on those bad boys.

As Rorik finishes reading, he brings the letter to a candle.

The man watches his note curl and burn and then ducks away without ever taking a sip of his drink.

Why would you do that to a sonnet?

Did this note have like a wax seal or any sort of symbol or pedigree on it?

With the 16, you would have seen it was just

a simple scroll, nothing fancy about it.

All right, so it's not a deed or a title or a low.

Flandestine.

Zudrick, give me a history roll.

21.

Amazing.

So Zudrick's been in town long enough to know that this is often how jobs do come in through normal stuff.

A messenger or a guard whispers something to Rorik and he puts a stone in a large pitcher above the bar.

Different types of rock imply different levels of difficulty and reward.

So the door groans closed and Rorik removes the stone from his apron.

You hear a small clink and Boggy Roger, with your 16,

you can see this jar is full of unremarkable rocks, offering small jobs for little pay.

But resting right on top, you see a silky black gemstone.

This is jet, and it signals a deadly job.

The deadly jobs, you might know, are the only kind that pay well.

Indo's shins, there's a black one in there.

I turn to Welly.

You said you were trying to make your way.

Yeah, so I'm sort of seeking a redemption of the soul.

Aren't we all?

Indeed.

You see, Zudrick points at the jar.

Ah, I understand.

The finest stone is the best chance of purifying the soul.

Not necessarily purifying, but it will fill our bellies.

Ah, I get it.

And you need a full belly in order to purify the soul.

Souls are really a big thing for me.

Oh,

it's like all we talk about at the beginning.

I'm just trying to eat, kind of.

Yes, I would say that filling your belly and singing and making merry is one of the best ways to purify yourself.

Yes, we have been a little bit more than a little bit of a skin.

No offense, but what happened to your crew?

Just a little bit.

Go.

Foggy.

Boggy holds like the smoky whiskey under Welly's nose.

Is that peat smoke?

Would that it were?

You ensorcel me!

Ensorceled.

That's a good one, Willie.

You're hilarious.

Every time Zudrick says that, Welly looks confused.

I'll titter a minute with this one.

All right,

Rorik, may I see the jar?

You want the jet job?

No, I don't think so.

Of course I want the jet job.

Not just him.

All three of us want the jet job.

If you three are coming over here, you better be asking me for a mop, okay?

I'm not giving you.

I'm not giving you the jet job.

Good sir, I am Welly Hamdam of the Order of the Oaken Ore.

I am pledged to the Lodestar and the Ender and the Hilt.

If you are to trust in what is good about this world and what has left us and what will one day return, then give me that jet black stone and I will make right.

Night go to one knee.

Please do not do that.

Zudrick laughs.

Sir,

I ask not for pay, only for forgiveness.

You may pay me in forgiveness.

You need food to eat, kids.

The pay will be split.

Yes, the pay will certainly be split.

The pay will be the fresh air and exercise.

You don't even know how to dress a deer.

Baki had to do it for us, okay.

Dress a deer?

I take off my Elizabethan collar again.

You don't, you know what I'm saying?

Sorry, we do it really differently at the monastery.

Rory, give us the goddamn rock.

You know what, Wellie, give me a persuasion check.

I have a plus two.

18 on the dime!

Indecent 20.

Wow.

Okay.

Please, sir, if you ever believed in the Lodestar and the Hilt and the Ender,

Find it in your heart to give a girl the stone she's asking for.

Hilt's balls, all right.

If it'll get you out of my goddamn tavern, I'll give you guys the jet job, okay?

Thank you, sir.

We won't let you down.

We're not really looking to impress him.

You won't regret this, sir.

Yeah, you know, I already do.

Come here, okay?

Come here.

He calls you over and he leans across the bar and he whispers to you in a conspiratorial tone.

Okay, you know that brotherhood of hermits?

The scared ones?

They call themselves scared ones, yes.

I think I've heard of them.

Have I heard of them?

You guys can all give me a history check.

That 20 baby.

Well, yeah, they cleared out the collapsed castle on the road to rec port a few years ago.

They've been holed up there, but they've been venturing out lately, you know, coming into different towns, hawking this new elixir.

It's called the Black Lace.

It's powerful stuff, apparently.

He leans in closer and says, They say it can keep you alive, even after you're not.

We haven't seen much of it in Mudtown, because it's only nobles who can afford it.

But the hermits, you see, they dilute it.

And besides, they're not coming around often enough, being hermits and all.

Yeah.

I guess someone didn't want to let the scared ones make all the rules.

A small party, three adventurers, went out to find the source of black lace.

This was two weeks ago.

Now these guys, if they left from Mudtown, maybe nobody misses them.

Half the world's probably glad they're gone.

But these travelers, they left from the Silver Gate with shiny new swords.

Someone important is looking for them.

I can't tell you who, but he's got no illusions.

He knows the world beyond the gates, and he's willing to pay a thousand gold for the recovery of their remains.

And he's got plenty more if you can make the impossible happen.

and bring anyone back alive.

So you're saying it's a rescue mission and also there's treasure.

Adventure abounds, friend.

We will take the job.

We're collecting corpses.

Okay, wellie, and I'll uh I'll actually apply your Nat 20 to this as well.

You would know the continent is littered with ruins from the age of stories.

Yes.

The bygone time when magic coursed through the world.

They say this keep was swallowed into the earth over 200 years ago during the gods' war, when a battle between mortals and deities plunged all of civilization into chaos.

No one remembers now who the castle originally belonged to, but the rumor is that no one who enters comes out alive.

I'm gonna pull the two of you aside and say there's something about this that makes me feel like whoever is giving this job is trying to steal the recipe from the monks.

Yes, Zudric shrugs.

Yes, perhaps.

But then if we stole it, then we would have the recipe.

Well, we shouldn't be stealing at all.

I suppose that's one perspective on the matter.

It's a taint on the soul.

I don't know that it's a a taint necessarily.

It is.

Just like greed and envy and taking too many naps.

Listen.

So you've heard the songs of Boggy Roger and their buzz.

Greed and envy are the colors of our blood.

We take naps deep in the wood.

Baggy, please.

I put my hand on Willie's shoulder and I say, I have been a knight long enough to know that there is only one cause in this world:

survival.

We need that gold to survive.

What they plan to do with this elixir is irrelevant.

But if we solely our souls for the sake of survival, the gods will never return.

The gods have long abandoned this place, child.

But they're but they're coming back.

That's what we believe at the order of the oaken ore.

I believe what I see with my eyes, and what I see with my eyes is glittering gold and full bellies.

I turn to Rorik and go.

go.

Point us in the direction of the castle.

You got it.

It's 40 miles east of the city, straight out the gate.

Do you rent out mules?

Or buy horses?

I sell four drinks.

That's what I do.

That's literally all I do.

You need a mule?

That's your problem.

But I will tell you, this job is pretty good.

It comes with an advance.

Rorick dips his hand into his apron and comes out with a fistful of, you know, tarnished beaten but gold coins.

So you guys have some money to gear up and buy supplies tomorrow morning when the market opens.

All right.

That's a sparkle I love more than the moonlight.

This is making me feel things.

Yes, yes.

Sir Rorick, before I retire to my tent, yeah, you have to move it out of the way of the door.

Unfortunately, I've put the tent spikes in and they're immovable at this point.

I love being around people, but I don't want to be a bother, so that's why I put my tent there.

Huge bother.

Before I go, why did you burn up that sonnet?

Was it a dirty one?

You mean the piece of paper?

You mean the scroll?

Yeah.

They keep it secret.

What are you talking about?

Sonnet.

Dirty sonnet?

Oh, I thought it was a sonnet.

Do you trade poems or something?

Of course.

Oh, oh, so really.

Sonnets are not meant to be written small.

They are meant to be written on large scrolls and passed around around giddily by a fire.

Passed around?

But they contain such intimate insights into the world.

Sir Welly blushes deeply and leaves.

As Sir Welly blushes, you actually hear the sailors singing.

Their song is incredibly body, really graphic stuff.

Oh my, who gave you license to be so free?

I put my hand on Sir Welly and say, you know, one of my dearly departed boggy buds reminds me a bit of you.

Sweet sister Bix, she was a cleric of the Lodestar, but also a wonderful distiller.

The whiskey she made would tickle your nostrils to heaven and back.

Oh my, that sounds very sensual.

Indeed.

You can find there is joy in this world, and you should not deny yourself of it, even if you are on a sacred pilgrimage.

I must retire.

Yes.

Why don't we, uh, now that we've dressed this deer indoors, perhaps we can dress the deer?

Cook it.

Really?

You need to learn just bare minimum of what's happening here, Willie.

Let's go ahead and cook the deer, share it with a bit of the crows, and um, I'll be honest, I don't really.

I've been sleeping in the stables, but even that is, um...

Well, actually, I have gold now.

I could probably just stay in a room, so I might do that.

My...

My tent is actually made to be occupied by several knights.

Oh, very well.

We can watch each other's backs so we don't get our throats slit in the middle.

I love it.

Yes.

Perhaps I have a bit of a campsite a little outside of town.

I've carved it into the wall of peat.

Perhaps we could stay there.

It's good protection from the elements.

Welly smiles so weakly.

That sounds great.

I put a lot of effort into this tent, but I guess I could just.

I'm already undoing Welly's tent.

That sounds good, Poggy.

Poggy undoes it by just falling on the tent.

Wellie has tears streaming down her cheeks, which are are also blushing hotly.

All right, good sirs.

We'll retire to the woods.

To the woods.

I guess we go over to Boggy's place.

We help Welly set up the tent and then cooking the deer over a fire and I pull off a, I guess just like a full leg and toss it to the crows.

There you go.

The crows attack it wildly.

Sudrick, may I ask, do they all respond to their names?

Yes.

When I speak them.

Can you do that?

Can you do it one at a time so I see that each of them knows their name?

Oh, we've never really put it to the test like this.

Edgar, Tabitha, Salem, Sabrina.

I try calling some birds.

Is this an ability that your character has or do I do have

I have I'm a little bit shooting from the hip, but I do have I can cast Animal Messenger as a ritual because I'm a steelhawk fighter.

So I do have the power to sort of speak to animals a little bit only as a ritual.

And then I have animal handling.

I have advantage on animal handling.

I think with that level of bird backstory, I would

straight up allow this to happen if you would like it to.

Yeah, you see.

Wow, they all know their name.

The birds come down and menacingly flock on my blood.

It's just covered in blood because I killed the deer in my full armor.

So just very bloodborne yeah sitting next to the fire covered in blood and crows you haven't respawned yet huh not yet you've been out and about yes um zudrick holds out uh tabitha on his finger one of the crows and goes

i made my way down to mudtown from the faraway fjords i grew tired of the fighting there Like I had said before, I'm not much of a survivalist.

I'm a soldier.

But the crows took pity on me.

I was able to follow them to beasts that I was able to hunt in the forest.

We have a bit of a symbiotic relationship.

I have a gift for them.

I hold out my crowbar

and then I look at Welly.

You're not doing that.

That's really funny.

It's not as funny as Welly, but it's hilarious.

You know, Zudrich, I take out my heron feather

and I say,

I've heard that

crows and herons sort of represent balanced opposites in the world.

Oh, interesting.

Tell me, Willie.

You say you are disgraced, but you seem like a kind and gentle knight.

Yes.

I let my baser instincts take over, and I killed someone.

No,

killed a rival.

No, no.

Stole a hundred thousand gold from a nobleman.

What What I stole was the honor from a beautiful lady.

By murdering her?

No.

Okay.

So, like, third base or what?

Yeah, what are we talking here?

Okay, uh, basically, uh,

we were kind of flirting at a banquet, and she held her hand out

upon parting.

Yes, um,

told me to put my lips to her gloved hand, and upon impact, I

had a kernel release.

God damn.

You came in no pants

at a ball.

But it gets worse.

Because of my shame, I retired to my bedchambers, where I penned an erotic sonnet, hoping to purge myself of these indecent thoughts.

And one of my fellow knights discovered it and read it to everyone, including the knight that the lady Jennifer, who gave me the carnal release, was betrothed to.

That's rough stuff, yeah.

That's pretty tough.

So it is with deep shame that I walk the lonely road.

So you were like exiled.

You just kind of left in an abundance of shame?

Of course I was exiled, but by myself,

it was a choice.

I chose to exile myself.

Alright.

Now you both know my deepest shame.

Indeed.

That's not.

That's frankly not that bad.

We've all squirted squirted our jawed purse at one point or another.

We've all chizzed in our pants.

Tis no shame.

Tis no shame around the campfire.

You speak of purification.

You speak of a new light.

Look, there it is, the flame.

Tonight, we drink, we dance, we make merry, and tomorrow, our fortune comes.

I'm probably just gonna go to bed early, but yes, that our fortune comes tomorrow.

And what doesn't come is us in our pets.

That was good.

That was good To that.

That was welly level.

To that.

To not coming in our pants.

Yes, let's never come in our pants again.

And cheers.

And now, these three compatriots, compatriots, you know what I'm talking about.

Perfect name for the patients.

That's us.

That's us.

Let's lose that click.

There we go.

Secret squirters.

Bound by tragedy, the tragedy of violence erupting in your village, of all of your friends being murdered.

and prematurely ejaculating in front of your crush.

triad of tragedy is officially formed and you guys go to bed for the night and the sun rises.

The sun rises the next day behind a blanket of clouds.

It's a gray day in Mudtown.

Columns of light break through the mist on the south side of the bay, shining like it always does in silver sand.

You meet at the salt market.

a haphazard collection of ramshackle stalls selling everything from smoked fish to dubious elixirs.

People shout and scuttle past one another, laughing, haggling, cursing cursing in anger and in jest.

Seagulls wheel overhead, fighting with crows, I imagine.

The ancient rivalry.

Diving down for scraps of food, their cries barely audible over the din of the market.

At the edge of the makeshift square, there's a stone structure with a black plume of smoke rising behind it.

The smithy inside is kept busy.

There's always a market for sharp things in Mudtown.

Above another hill, opposite Leviathan Inn, rising above the briny docks, there's a cedar-shingled harbormaster hut where you can send letters and leave instructions in case you don't return.

Lastly, there's an unwieldy driftwood temple on the long scrap of beach separating Mudtown from Silver Sand.

So yeah, this is the salt market.

There's stalls for potion, for food, for gear, anything you might need.

So what do you guys want to do?

Okay, so 40-mile trip.

We may want to.

We don't have enough for horses, unfortunately, but maybe we could borrow one.

I don't know what that they'd trust us necessarily, perhaps if we could leave something behind.

Are you saying we could all fit on one horse?

Absolutely not.

Okay.

Okay.

So borrowing one wouldn't really work, would it?

I meant borrow several.

Borrow several.

Are you really getting caught up in the details here?

Well, are you trying to give me shit, kid?

No, never.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

I don't know.

Don't need any more shame.

All right.

Don't need any more shame.

I am unworthy.

It is I that keeps the gods at bay.

You don't

run a little.

Yes, it's a lot of other people.

Yes, I guess I look at Boggy and I go, I don't know how your weapons and armor are, but I'm pretty rusted up over here, and potions might be good.

I don't have any kind of healing skills.

Nor do I.

More libations is always the good move, I'd say.

So let's perhaps spend some gold on potions.

And if you trust me, perhaps I could work on getting us some horses.

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Goodbye, sweeties.

Great.

Yeah, I guess.

Just be prepared to leave very quickly.

I'm always ready to leave.

Yeah, I guess poke around, try to buy some potions.

How much gold do we have?

Let's say you have like 50 gold.

50 gold.

Try to see if we can get any potions.

And I guess see if there's any like armor offerings.

Okay, sweet.

So we'll go over and try to scare up some potions first.

Great.

You guys walk over to a dwarven man as he hunches in an oversized wool cloak, his shoulders drawn up as if preemptively guarding himself against the coming rain.

His booth is made of light sheets of wood, the kind he could pack up and move at a moment's notice.

A fine hand-carved sign reads, Herbs, herbs, Rarities, and Rare Teas.

You step forward, and he picks up his head.

You're surprised to see a decidedly friendly face, a bright red nose, and a cheery smile.

His gray beard is tied with trinkets and jewels, and he belches,

oh, yeah, sorry about that.

How's it going, guys?

I gave myself a healing potion this morning.

He jiggles a flask at you.

I love that guy.

You're drunk.

Oh,

shouldn't we all be?

It's after sunrise.

No, sir, you have a problem.

But she is.

I think I'm going to go to Boggy and say, Boggy, I have an instinct to do something immoral in the name of this quest.

Speak it, friend Welly.

I think just have my back.

And I think Welly's gonna try for the first time in her life to like kind of disguise herself.

Actually, she's never been to town before.

She's gonna basically just do it, make it look like she's not with these two.

Oh, okay.

And I think she's gonna walk over separately to this potion dealer and say, hello, good sir.

Do you have any black lace?

Okay, yeah, you say that to Herb of Herb's Herbs, and he hiccups, half because he's surprised and half because he's drunk.

Black lace?

That stuff's, it's a curse.

Okay, do you know where I could get some?

What do I look like?

A hermit to you or something?

Okay, just the hermits.

Thank you very much.

He gets a little aggravated.

I walk away and then rejoin the party.

Hey, where'd you go?

Someone call me a hermit.

Hey, Willie.

That was something.

I was trying to figure out if there was any sort of

salacious dealings of black lace.

Now, were you putting on like a persona just then?

Were you trying to be someone else?

Okay, yes, I did a voice.

Couldn't you tell?

I did a voice.

You did well.

You got answers without asking many questions.

I'm still covered in blood and crows, and I slept in my full armor, and I have a huge sword on.

Just turn to the vendor and go, No alcohol, please, just whatever kind of regular potions you have.

And dispense with the pleasantries and the burping.

Yes, we will dispense with that burping.

The burping?

I can't help it.

Okay, yeah, he's got some potions here.

He's got a potion of healing.

He also has a filter of love.

He has a potion of healing.

Well, he clocks the filter of love.

A potion of comprehension and a potion of poison.

I mean, I will say, we can definitely pick it up.

I do.

All my stuff is reflavored instead of giants to be gods, so I know the writing of the gods because I'm a rune knight.

Interesting.

I see.

But

I can pick it up anyways.

How much are your various potions?

He Hiccups again.

Stop.

I can't help you.

It's possible that your dyspeptic stomach is coming from your

bad intentions.

What a weird name.

Drink water upside down.

I just paw in his face, super loud out of nowhere to try to scare the hiccups away from him.

Just these burps are so heavy, I feel like you're not keeping the liquid down.

And that's just a moment.

You start hiccupping more because he's so afraid.

I was going to say, you give Welly the hiccups.

Hiccups are so annoying.

Just tell us the goddamn price.

It was

five gold

for the potion for the healings.

Okay, what about the comprehension?

Ten.

Five.

You really ruined this guy's day.

He was so happy before you came to the stall.

We want to pay five for the potion of comprehension.

Okay.

Do it.

Just get out of here.

All right.

I guess we'll buy.

Want to do three potions of healing and one of comprehension.

Okay.

If there's any more space in our coffers for a potion of poison, that would be great for dipping in my arrows.

Oh, very well.

That's very interesting.

Yeah.

We'll pay five gold for that as well.

Sure.

It's only two.

The price tag says two.

You got a deal.

What have you done?

Okay, sweet.

So that's healing, comprehension, and poison that you just got.

You also wanted to hit the smithy, so we can head there now.

now.

So at the edge of the market, a dark plume of smoke rises into the air like a thunderhead.

The forge is a squat stone building with a heavy wooden door and open air windows.

A peeling wooden sign bears the name Handstrong.

You can feel the heat as you approach.

Behind the door, you find a cracked cement floor and a stone counter flanked by two giant wooden beams.

Behind the rippling, distorted air is Jorin Handstrong, the blacksmith.

Yorin is raining down blows on a longsword, a spray of sparks glinting across the floor with each blow.

Beside him, at the billows, is his apprentice, Timo, a wiry tween drenched in sweat, but refusing to rest.

We've come to look at your wares.

Very well.

Yorin walks over, but before he does, he splashes the long sword in a bath and steam rises up.

What do you need?

My armor is a bit rusty.

My sword is a bit rusty.

My axe is a bit rusty.

My hand axes are a bit rusty.

I'm a bit rusty.

Jordan looks you up and down.

He's like,

Your belt buckle is immaculate, though.

Thank you.

What's with that?

It's new.

Perhaps either of you might have an answer for this.

I turn to the blacksmith and his apprentice.

Did you

make the weapons for the adventurers that were making their way to the sunken castle?

Yorin's eyes go wide at that, and he says,

Timo pipes up.

He says the place is cursed, sir.

Cursed.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you for clarifying.

When he says yes or no, it sounds very similar.

Yeah, no, they were.

Yeah, well, yes, I suppose he was mumbling a bit, but yes, you're both speaking the same language.

We understand him.

Timo, Yorn, what is it cursed by?

I have no concept of evil, just an absence of good.

The place's been cursed ever since Bulric the Banished vanished to the cave years ago.

The banished vanished?

Did you need me to translate?

Yeah, I was sort of snarky about Timo, but I could use a read on that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, sir.

Bulrick the Banished vanished.

Borrick the Banished.

Bulrick the Banished vanished.

Bulrick the wow.

It's Bulrick the banished sir Bulrick the banished was vanished vanished right into the cave then didn't he it's a cave that the monks live in uh yeah it's like a castle it's a castle that was sucked into the earth in some kind of cataclysmic event or collapse uh so it's it's now intertwined with the cave itself uh and yorin says

you're going to the castle he asked if you're going to the castle sir I actually got that one.

Yeah, we got that one.

The only one he's especially mumbly do he.

You know, we'll tap you on the shoulder if we need you.

Thank you, Timo.

You're good, then.

Jolly good, indeed.

A very good boy you're raising here.

I give a knightly salute to Timo.

She spins and tries to salute you, stumbles backwards.

Oh, no, you popped yourself in the eye.

Careful, there's so much fire in here.

Jolly bad, then.

I suppose we should ask then what are we we may or may not be making our way to the castle.

We have a fortune that we seek there.

Bad things, bad, very bad things.

Bad things.

He beckons for your weapons.

And now that he knows you guys are headed to the castle in the cave,

he's going to do something special for you.

He's going to give each of you a plus one weapon.

So you can leave them here.

Oh, I'm going to just leave all three of my weapons.

Welly, come on.

Jolly goodest.

This is some boggy.

We actually, yeah, we have two other people who are traveling.

Willie, look at that.

You're right.

What have I done?

I shame myself.

Oh, I miss.

Miss.

Yes, Timo.

If you go into that terrible place, then it'll have something for you.

I'll do.

Oh, okay.

And he calls you over to a little corner of the shop where he has actually been working on some rings.

He's going to hand you a heavy iron ring hammered with sigils of a star,

like a capital T at an angle, and what looks like a leafless tree.

And these are the sigils of the old gods.

I recognize these.

Oh, you do?

Timo, are you a believer of the Lodestar, the Ender, and the Hilt?

You have to be.

You have to be.

You have to have,

Miss.

Yeah.

What else is there in this world?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Excuse me.

I was having a private conversation.

Sorry.

Eavesdropping is

one of the nightly no-nos.

I should know that by now.

You are right.

So yeah, Timo hands you this this ring.

Okay, I think that Sir Welly feels like she must find something in return, but I don't think I've started with anything.

So I think like, does Timo have anything on him?

Like anything metal on him?

A belt buckle or something?

Oh, yeah.

Timo.

Timo is wearing leather shoes with a metal buckle.

Okay.

I go down to the buckle and I start chiseling in my own room.

Oh, oh, oh, please let me remove it, miss.

Charlie, that's in.

Cholly ouch.

I'm almost done.

Oh!

Wow.

He lifts it up and inspects it.

What did you carve into Timo's buckle?

I actually just carved one of the runes I do,

which is also the lodestar.

So I carved a sort of a western star into his.

Into a spur?

You're styling.

Thank you, miss.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

So yeah, now Yorin will work on these weapons for you guys.

Okay.

Well, thank you, the both of you.

And then I turn to my new sort of comrades and I go, now is the matter of the horses.

Indeed, yes, I have a plan I would love to discuss with you.

Let's move outside, or at least near the door.

Okay.

All right.

Yorin grunts a goodbye, and you guys are off.

I would like to case the stables.

Okay.

Yeah, they're outside of the market where all these vendors arrive.

They're probably tying up their horses.

Are they guarded?

In Mudtown,

they're watched, but I wouldn't say guarded.

There's a 19-year-old stableboy.

Just humming to myself, I peruse the stables, I take a long lap, and then I meet back up with my good friends.

And I say, Sir Welly, how would you feel about furthering this devious persona you've developed?

Yes, I felt very conflicted as I put on an entirely different persona earlier, realizing I was lying, but for good reasons.

And I'm willing to do it again.

Yes, grasp the flame of truth in the malice of your actions.

That's very good.

Malice?

And you, Sudrick?

Yeah.

Would you be okay with pretending to get into a fight with Sir Welly?

Wow, herons versus crows.

Usually a beautiful symbiotic balance as the herons represent the beginning of the world and the crows represent death.

And yes, and also there are egrets, and egrets are fucking crazy.

Egrets are also herrings.

I don't know what egrets are.

They're two different types of wading birds.

You're making me angry.

I grab well.

So I think as soon as.

Sir Zudrick, I forget the caper.

Sir Zudrick, I will defend my honor.

Crows are better than whatever the hell you're talking about.

I attack Zudrick.

Wow.

Okay.

I'm going to do Might of the Gods and Jesus Christ and try and shove Zudrick in front of the stage.

I'm just going to go with it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Give me an attack roll.

Dirty 20.

Sorry, indecent 20.

I'm not going to roll an athletic check because Zudrick just goes limp and goes to the

Zudrick.

Zudrick.

Zudrick clanks to the ground.

So Willie, a small woman, shoves Zudrick, a hulking knight in rusted armor, and you crash through the fishmonger's cart.

I immediately get to my knees and I say, Zudrick, I'm sorry.

What have I done?

I start calling for the crows.

The crows start diving for the fish.

You've had it up for me since yesterday.

Oh, Inder's chin.

They're going at it.

What the fuck?

The fishmonger's freaking out.

I'm gonna go limp and let the crows feast.

Oh, my gockles.

That man, that man in the armor insulted the church.

I saw it.

They're stealing my fucking cockles.

we make a huge scene uh as they're making a huge scene um i'm going to uh attempt to stealth over uh to where the horses are and then i want to basically try

knock out this 19 year old

okay

you want to just punch him or you can hit him with the butt of your weapon with the fresh

sword yeah i'll hit him with the the freshly carved pommel of my sword sure yeah if you want to sneak up on him roll stealth so i'm going to make this a lucky roll in the new rules you you have to declare that it's going to be a lucky roll.

So I get myself an advantage on it, essentially.

Hell yeah.

That is going to be a 24.

All right.

This teenager is sitting hunched over on a bale of hay.

He's picking absentmindedly at a whitehead on his chin.

And he's humming an old song that he heard in the tavern somewhere.

You absolutely sneak up on him.

You can hit him with advantage.

I sneak right up behind him and I say, wow, those two are really going at it, aren't they?

Wellie is currently professing all of her shame to the entire town.

There are herons, seagulls, and ravens clawing at each other in the sky.

That's a 19.

Yeah, 19 you absolutely

out of this kid.

I'm going to hit him right on the white head, actually.

What'd you say, sir?

You smack him.

He's absolutely knocked out cold.

He probably would have walked away if you just told him to take a walk, but he's he's knocked the fuck out.

I quickly tie him up.

Jesus, he's limp as a rag doll.

You have to check and see if he's breathing, but he is.

All in a day's work.

And I'm going to

humming the same song he was singing, I'm going to put a gold coin in his palm.

And then using my same knife, I'm going to cut three horses loose.

Okay.

And then I'm going to, you know what?

I'll try and attempt a heron's whistle.

A heron's mating call, if you will.

Just for me.

Yeah, there you go.

Their dance is actually beautiful.

Their dance is inspired by their mating courtship.

I've seen many herons fuck in the woods.

Oh, my.

This is a call to Zudrich and Wellie, correct?

Yes.

Go ahead and give me a performance check.

Okay,

that is going to be a 10, but I'm going to use tactical mind.

I'm going to use tactical mind, which means I can substitute a second wind charge to add a D10 roll to that.

Sick.

Yes, you can.

That's a one.

We would always use, we get heroic inspiration.

Oh,

as humans in the new rules, I think we all get heroic inspiration with every long rest.

Yeah.

So I'll go ahead.

It sounds like you're lying to me.

Are you lying?

Are you taking advantage of me?

I'm going to do it before we can look it up.

Fuck.

I rolled an eight again.

So that's an 11 on my Heron call.

A bird.

A bird!

It's really, it's, I'll say that it's actually a really convincing heron call, but there are so many birds squawking and calling in the sky that it's indiscernible from all of the noise that's going on in the market.

What were we supposed to do when we were done with the fight?

Wellie's lost herself in her public meaculpa.

It is through self-flagellation in a public forum that I can make myself whole again.

You, sir, have you ever done anything that's made you feel ashamed?

I point to a random guy.

It's a dwarven potion seller.

He starts hiccupping again.

Why is everybody judging me?

All right, um, you know what, Willie?

Uh, I forgive you.

Fight over.

Come, crows.

Call the crows, and then I just start walking out of town.

Okay, I'm gonna have someone roll an insight check to see.

They are very distracted by all of the fish spilled on the ground.

This was perfect because your distraction has caused further chaos beyond after you guys start fighting.

As we leave, I'm apologizing to everyone for the mess we made.

The fishmonger is shrieking at the birds.

Herb from herbs, herbs is questioning everything.

He's wailing.

He's crying.

The market has devolved into chaos.

So you guys can leave unnoticed and go meet Boggy.

Wow, Zudric, that was a really intense scene.

Is the market always like that?

No.

So I just got lucky?

Well, we caused all of that.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, right.

Should have took the scare.

Because we were supposed to meet up with Boggy.

Boggy!

This way, this way!

Three stout stallions await!

I walk over to Boggy.

Did he get the horses?

Yeah, Boggy, you've got the horses.

You did successfully knock out this teenager.

He was like that.

You put a coin in his hand, so everybody will believe that he took a bribe.

He tied himself up, in fact.

The only thing is that the stables are sheltered and people might not have seen what you've done, but you will have to walk the horses out the gate.

So I'll need you guys to make some kind of deception or stealth rolls on horseback to not be noticed.

Is anyone good at talking to people?

I'll do deception, actually.

I have advantage on rolls because of my rune.

Great.

Then why don't we just ride out normally and we just act like these are our horses?

Indeed, yes.

There are two languid guards playing a dice game against the wall by the gate.

I rolled a five and a one.

Jesus.

So with advantage, I got seven deceptions.

Shit.

Those guards are languid as hell.

Good sirs.

The teenager begged us to take these.

Yeah.

Come on, everybody.

The teen went rogue.

He sold us these horses super cheap.

We're not even going to see how they're going to respond.

We're just taking off.

I guess as soon as I see them take off.

Yeah, we all take off.

Okay, okay.

They are all surprised, as am I.

One guard shrieks, his voice is cracking.

Oh!

The other one is sitting on an overturned bucket.

He falls backwards.

Actually, everybody has had their eyes like on the road watching for anybody coming in, not anybody barreling out.

And also, so let me set the scene a little bit for the perimeter of Mudtown.

It's a vertical wall of timber logs driven deep into the ground, sharpened to a point at the top.

Occasionally, there's a rickety rise of scaffolding constructed against the inner barrier with archers patrolling above.

At the mud gate, which is the main land entrance, or in your case, the exit.

There are two guards who you just knocked over, and then above them are four archers.

And you were charging at all of these guys and out the gate, that's right.

Well, well, he is.

I guess we're following.

Great.

Get those heels in, those horses' rooms.

Okay, so we're all going to roll initiative.

They're all surprised.

And that means in the new 2024 handbook, did you guys know that there's no more surprise condition where they don't act for a round?

They just roll with this advantage.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

Cool.

I got a 10.

Nine for Boggy, but

16.

You know what Boggy's going to do, actually?

I'm going to use a superiority dice because I'm a battle master.

And I'm going to use my ambush ability to add a D8 to my initiative.

You know what?

And I will use my heroic inspiration to re-roll.

Wow.

Whoa.

Cool.

Before you guys use too many things, these guards all roll to one.

So

I'm going to go pretty last.

Yeah.

All right.

My new initiative is 14.

Mine is 11.

I got one higher.

Okay, sweet.

That is Zudrick.

You're going first.

Great.

Zudrick thinks about all of the times that he has murdered people and looks at these guards.

What are you thinking about, Zudrick?

Just how quickly we could get away, young knight.

And I guess keeps his blade on his back and is just going to use, I guess we're just using like riding horse stats, which would be 60 feet of speed.

So he'll go 120 feet and just sort of blow by these guards.

Great.

The first two guards already cannot do anything at all.

Yeah.

You're instantly out of their range.

And I call to my crows to follow.

One of them shits on a guard.

No, that's a bird call.

Yeah.

Yeah, Zudric is truly bizarre.

I'll say, you know how sometimes when cyclists are going really, really fast, they'll do that thing where like they just bring their legs totally up.

He's doing that, but on a horse as he rides really fast.

Surrounded by crows.

Is he doing crow pose on the horse?

He's fully tucked.

One of the guards watching just says, Ender, help us all.

Boggy, that's you.

Okay, so the gate is open.

We don't need to worry about that.

That's good.

That's right.

I suppose I'll just dash as well.

That seems to be the...

Or just get shot 16 times by yourself.

Okay.

But I will be a little stylish about it.

I'm going to stand up on my horse and I'm going to expose my rump as I ride.

Boggy's back.

How dare you, dude?

A naked ass rides past these guards at the gate.

They watch your rump ride away.

I've heard tell of Boggy's rump.

Wellie shields her eyes politely.

Boggy hesitates and then rides pantsless into the distance.

And now that is Wellie.

Wellie sees the freedom in which Boggy operates and feels the lore, but stifles it.

She's gonna also dash.

She's gonna shout back to the guards, gentle sirs, I mean you no harm, and then dash over 120 feet.

What the fuck does that mean?

And then I go to expose my rump and then I get shy.

They almost see cracks.

You're just standing up, fiddling with your belt.

Yeah.

They see like a dimple above the crack.

You've got so much armor on.

Don't doff now.

Don't doff now.

Mid-back slightly exposed.

They're fine with it.

You guys have all dashed.

You're already out of range

of the archers above crossbow bolts, but they will shoot with disadvantage, basically for one round before you guys can fully dash away.

Great.

They're aiming at Zudrich.

13 to hit.

Misses.

Of course.

Pinks off me, off my rusty armor.

Seven to hit.

Misses.

Pinks off the rusty armor again.

Now they're going to aim for Boggy's bare ass.

Shout out to the two crew.

Another complete miss.

Beast your eyes.

The Ender's cheeks.

Absolutely distracted by your bum.

Wow, the bookends of Ender.

Life and Death.

I didn't really

know.

I was traveling with two hilarious comedians.

What?

A final seven.

So all of these arrows, miss.

Arrows are whizzing by your heads, whizzing by your exposed asses and your exposed mid-backs, sticking into the muck as the beating hooves of your stolen horses thunder down the road.

Cries from the guards, the the seagulls, the crows above ring in your ears and then fade behind you as you lean into this living machine, this brave stolen animal, its muscles pulsing to carry you forward.

Arrows are beginning to fall short now.

You can hear them hissing through the air and sinking into the earth behind you.

Then a curve ahead, one more rogue shot,

thwax into a tree trunk.

quivering as you round the bend and burst into the open path beyond.

None of you knows what lies ahead.

Death, glory, certainly adventure and that's where we'll end our session

oh man this is so fun you guys having a good time thank you yeah i'm having a great time i must sing the praises of skill

this is radio these characters are incredible they're so yeah

they're such

it's such a weird trio it's also funny that they're all like grimdark but they all also kind of get along yeah

they're grimdark in their own different ways yeah true except for welly who's very pure Oh, you need that in the world.

You need that.

You need to, yeah.

Just for the record, Jake said, I want that in the world.

Oh, yeah.

So I could have made a Grimdark character, but Jake said he wanted that.

You having a carnal release.

You didn't ask for the carnal release.

The cat being cast out because you came in your pants is so fucking funny.

Self-explanatory.

I can't wait to get to the short rest.

Yeah.

This has been great.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, great work, Jake.

Incredible, Jake.

What a start.

Yeah, what a start.

You can head on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash NADPOT.

This N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

Don't sing yet.

Listen to our short rest.

The after-show.

Don't do it.

Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug?

I'll actually kick it off.

Dimension 20's got a bunch of shows this year.

We've got, we're gonna be in Seattle.

We're gonna be at a Hollywood Bowl, and we're also gonna be in Las Vegas.

So check that out.

Dimension 20 live in 2025.

Speaking of that,

I want to shout out Avery, who came to Madison Square Garden.

My dad apparently cut you in line and said you had a really awesome pawpaw tattoo.

So thank you for being nice to my dad.

Incredible.

Oh, I have some P.O.

box stuff actually.

It's been a minute, but I managed to collect all the stuff that we got over the holidays.

We got some fun stuff.

Oh, Hannah and Terrence sent us custom-made dice they give out to folks at their wedding.

The one has drawings of their faces on it, which I thought is very funny.

Very humble and very cute to put your faces on the one.

That's really cute.

This is incredible.

Sawyer R sent us a handbound leather poetry book with all all of our intros from campaign one to present.

Whoa.

Oh my god.

It's so elegant and eloquent for the stupid rhymes that we have put inside the word.

Wow.

And then, oh, Sam from the Howling Salt Mine podcast.

And it's a nice letter and a bunch of variant token cards plus a Krinko and an Isu the Abominable for Emily.

Oh, yeah.

Sam

Sam also apparently wrote the theme song for episode 583 of If I Were You.

I don't know what that means, but it seems interesting but i do and it means everything to me somebody also i believe i'm not sure if this was rowan uh phillip or not but somebody named rowan sent us an invisible sun black cube box with like five uh books for this like invisible sun module in it.

It's like a TTRPG about like abstract magic.

If you sent that to us, if it was you, Rowan, or if it was someone else, please let us know because it's like massive and beautiful to look at.

It's a spectacle to behold and it was really cool to see.

So thank you so much for sending.

Yes, thank you.

Damn, thank you.

All right, uh, Jake, you got anything?

Uh, no, just listen to Skulldova here on this show.

I'll be back next week with more Skulldova.

In the meantime, you can follow us on social media that remirm me and I use at CH First Me, I call these Caldwell, AddieXward's Emily, and at your curtains is Jake.

And you talk about the show using hashtag nadpod.

That's NEDDPOD.

We are real,

the youth of the nation.

We are real.

The youth of the nation.

Well, well, well, it's time to thank our benevolent council of elders, starting with Brad D., Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, later Mick Skater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C., Daniel G, Danielle, the dastardly dame, Carpe, Liam, Victor T, Balnor's Boy, Hoyt's friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Cray, Christopher B., Damiel R., Jordan L., Cyborg version of Josh the Kobald, Targat, Stevie Waggs, Hellish Rebuker, the unemployed, but it was a toxic job, so it's not a bad thing.

Princess Yar, Jory S, Rachel from Animorphs, Jack L., Nicholas C., star of every film ever made in Bahumia, Mike Hightower, Alka Smelter Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F., Heradrian, Carborough, Chapel Hill, FPV, Rex Thaniel, The White, Cece Lulu, Olcob's Dunkel, Older Byrne, Heracule Poirot, The Rabbit Folk Detective, Timmy R., Rayco, Calder Cums Cold, Shoutout to the Cold Come Companions, Frosty Facial, Taylor B.

Maybe the Real treasure was the friends we made along the way cass strong grinch stephen abc mike k nick w william w big bad beardo the mad anorama percival frederickstein von mussel klowowski de rollo the third jay dragonborn guardian of the vibe honoring the cock jocelyn m ben a dave h dustin s not that nick danny f hawkeye pierce book bars assistant izzy f big bad john dpc is awesome hashtag honor the cock, Sean the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zeldar, Summer RG, Mark the Dark Lord's Taint, Kat C, Misa of House and Zunza, Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena N, aka Velacy Raptor, B.

Perky Always, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie the Fay Wild Therapist, Connor, Savage, Salil, BioQuirt, 7, Amber, Dextrous, Bean Rat was innocent, Jack H, King of the Mole People under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament.

Valen, Paj, the bitch and bunny bard, Carlin C., Noah the Bullywug Boy, hashtag honor the cock, James G, everything, Bago, the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Han, Eric B, Marcos, learns the balance druid, Frida M, Maggie, Holly, the green laughing hyena, Akash, Thakar, Cal misses the D5s with all her heart, Aaron B, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes, the whole thing, yes, every time.

Cody, C, Lorelei the succubi, and Kira the succulent snack, McKenna Stout, your friendly neighborhood, Yunt and Yunkel, Andrew and Sid, John Adams didn't win the vote, but won your heart, Meg, the mail carrier of Bahumia, James F.

Austin, S.

Wayfarer, now has to do something with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 69, Shane C, Barpo, Good Barrel, Bard, Barian, Garrett G, one, big curd, Renee, the monster captain, Olivia, the enchanting bard, and Jared, the soap opera cleric who will be auditioning for Callie's acting troupe, Winter, Slade, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Damon, son of that one merchant named John, Anthony the raddest of dudes, Jay, the fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo, Cantrip Dumbledore, the Bear Onesie-wearing Barbarian, Lexi loves the two crew, Roger L.

Nodrog, the pass-a-fist barbarian, Gino T, John Luca, Tristan the talentless hunk, Leon K, legendary hero of Bahumia from a future campaign, shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S.

Alexander, Lynz W, Johnny Dude K, Pavu Eskenor, the Goliath Paladin, providing service with a smile, Tim M.

MLG, Cheeto, Shelby, Ken's first favorite sprite girl blown away by the MSG show, Staten Island Facts, and Stone Cold Stunners.

Y'all should be proud.

Hell yeah.

Snailis, who's infecting Worcestershire for Within.

Captain Morgan, Pirate Wizard, Pawpaw Skydays, Mimosky Days, Megan N., Anthony B., Savannah H., Balnor's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of House and Zunza, Benjamin A., Gimli the Corky, Pawpaw and Foster's canine friend, Nicol A, Josh Hole, Pilot of the Nightmare Verse Flight, Froky, the Two Crew, Blue Through, Jennery, Ethan, the Mailman, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashosaurus, Seth E., Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten, Dragoose, Michael L.

S.

II, Carl B., Plumber of the Realm, Dex Riddlewell, Hannah A., Ra, Ace Dregs, High Lord of Critzburg, Darius D, the guy from that one thing, Troy's Mom, Bin Diagram, Catamilius, the Consumed, Bart of Holding, Clinton P, Grinchville Cam, the Grinch Frog Man, Dean, Jake W., High Mom, Tuesday Cross, the choose your own adventure writer, not the porn star, Steve L.

Tyler, Mick M.

Alex G, Zibby DeBachary, Nicole, Kaylee, H, Katerina C., Lady Jacqueline P.

of Castle Whitestone, Greg W wants the D20 Truck Nuts, Jake thought up.

Interesting.

Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide.

Literally Satan.

Chupak, Aubrey, Boney is dead.

And of course, Cohen Pace.

Thank you, everybody.

That was a Hitgum podcast.