C3 Ep. 71: The King Consort (A Faerie Tale Ending)

This is a head gun podcast.

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign.

This is not another DD podcast.

Welcome back to Bahumia, everybody.

Yes, especially, you know what?

He comes first this week.

Oh, whoa.

Welcome back to Bahumia, Caldwell Tanner.

Thanks, guys.

It's good to be back.

It's good to be in this room where things make sense.

It don't scream at you.

Well, I will be screaming at you.

Oh, okay, yes.

But welcome back.

But you don't need anything from me other than like high-quality audio.

There you go.

And maybe just a little milk.

Yeah, just a little.

Just a little milk.

I got you, buddy.

I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz.

Giving the finger to these fate-bringers, Calder Kilday.

Oh, yeah.

And then, of course, Emily Axford.

Despite all my rage, I've still got my gun on a maze.

Yes.

Wow.

That was good because you are a very good singer and you made a choice there.

You made a choice there to not be.

Really?

I think that was my best.

You tried your best.

Wow.

Okay.

Shit.

I'll edit this out.

I'll fix this in pickup.

Yeah, maybe you do a pickup where you're complimenting on careful.

And I'll just auto-tune you.

This is also from me listening to re-editing Hot Boy Summer, and you guys all do like song lyrics as your intros.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's been a minute.

I don't remember that.

And we all sing that well.

And we already introduced him, but just in case he has a rhyme, Cobaltaner.

Saul Buffo here to kick some ass, bringing you a frog fact that could be the last.

What?

This comes to us from Emma G.

Emma wrote a postcard with a fun frog fact on it.

Some tadpoles have symbiotic algae on their skin so they can photosynthesize.

Isn't that cool?

Wow.

Yeah.

That might be the last thing you hear before we all die.

That frogs love the sun.

Hey.

Even tadpoles look up at the sun.

Isn't that beautiful?

There we go.

They should wear little sunglasses.

You don't want to hurt your eyes.

Put sunscreen on your tadpoles, folks.

Everybody, lather up your poles.

Lather your tadpoles.

Oh, my God.

You heard it here first.

You heard it here.

first, folks.

Glather up your pole.

Cream up your rods.

You have to cream up your rods.

That doesn't work anymore.

It has ceased to work.

All right.

Let's go ahead and do a little recap.

Please.

So last time you partied with the Green Knights, Balnor told you that he and his son Robert had spent some time in the Pokey, aka the dungeon, below Summercourt Castle.

You followed up with the young stag, and he explained his run-in with the false Green Knights.

Upon finding out that a knight named Leonor was working with the winter court, he confronted him and then was framed as the aggressor.

Robert was not freed until the queen's death, whereupon he rallied the true green knights and helped defend the castle.

The young stag shared his dream of resurrecting Queen Cyrilla, and you agreed to help as long as she wouldn't retake her magical crown.

Robert conceded this and an alliance was solidified.

You spent the night in the king consort Lesterborn's quarters, where you poured over his perfumed notes.

Suddenly, a device crashed through the window as Mog Goblin appeared as a hologram, and 3D printed you an Archebus that could be used against the Fatebringer mages.

You immediately turned them on each other, and Calder spent the night tied up in a net.

The next morning, you were given an escort of green knights led by dear old dad, aka Balnor, as you headed to the autumn court to intercept a meeting between the automatons and Charbon's forces.

Once there, you found the two armies in a standoff.

You approached the automatons and scanned data for Mog Goblin, who confirmed that Alexandrite was dead, but gave them one last task to obtain a Fae crown.

The Automatons have the ability to think and learn, but they will not have free will until this last command is executed, which they will pursue to the best of their ability above everything else.

You spoke to some guards and were invited into the castle, where you found Charbin atop a molten throne.

You asked about Berlaine, who had been traveling with the automatons, and Charbin explained that she had been dealt with, showing you an image of her trapped inside a force cage, calling out for an automaton named Trash Can.

Callie attempted to cast command on Trash Can, but was counterspelled by a Fatebringer mage, who revealed himself along with five of his compatriots.

Charbin revealed that Jovere had offered him a marriage pact and that their union would mean destruction to their enemies.

It would appear that the automatons have concluded that Charbin now has a better chance at obtaining a Fey Crown and have joined him.

As everyone drew their weapons, Callie face-stepped to some higher higher ground and cast greater invisibility, aiming the Archebus at the mages.

And that's where we are now.

Everybody, lather up your poles.

Cream your rods.

Cream your rods.

So you guys...

You just cream your rogs, right?

Like frogs.

Oh, that's great.

That makes a little.

Is that not what it was?

No, he just said rods.

I just said rods.

Well, I thought he said rog, and I was like, that's a really good idea.

Lather your nads.

Okay, because nad pulls is like pad pulls.

Okay, it's getting further away.

It's getting further away.

So you guys are in a standoff with these six Fatebringer mages, Charbin, and this big automaton with a drill, who Bear Lane is calling Trash Can.

As Callie disappears, everyone launches into attack.

The Green Knights with you engage nearby fire elementals.

I'll say there's like eight or ten of these guys that jump in and try to clog up the hallways so more guards can't pour in.

Nice.

Balnor and Kenna grab grab their weapons and stand back to back with you.

You feel the shaking of the earth as Honeysuckle tries to make his way to you.

Calderhead called out for him, but he is outside the castle grounds and he's likely being attacked now that he's made a move towards the castle.

It's going to take him a few rounds to get here.

Everybody go ahead and roll initiative.

Right on.

24.

22.

I got a 10.

I have a question.

So what is the layout of this room?

It is a big circular room.

There's like a magma moat around the outside, and then a bunch of lava tubes that, or magma tubes, I forget which one you call it.

These tunnels that go in deeper into the castle, into different hallways.

There are not enough fire elemental guards in here for them to be a factor in your fight.

The green knights are kind of tying them up.

It seems like Honeysuckle, if he gets here in time, will save you from having to fight the whole castle.

Your big challenge right now is just Charbin, this automaton, and the Fate Bringers.

Everybody's, they're spread out enough that they're not all going to get hit with one casting of a spell or something like that.

But everybody's pretty much in the center of the room with you.

You guys are facing off.

Everybody's just drawn their weapons.

Charbin rolls actually really low on initiative, so he goes to grab his hammer

for the empire and then starts kind of...

last, huh?

Yeah, he's just like clanking as he really slowly gets to it.

You put your hammer pretty far away.

You laid it on that back wall over there, huh?

But

the Fatebringer mages, I've split them up.

There are six here.

I'm going to have them act in duos of two.

The first two to act are at initiative 26.

They lock in on Saul, specifically, remembering what had happened last time.

There will not be a repeat.

There will be no escape.

The first one is going to cast Chain Lightning.

They're going to throw it at

Saul, Calder, and why not?

Fuck Balnor.

Throw just a ball of lightning at Balnor.

Whoa, whoa, hey, come on.

I don't even know you guys.

Go ahead and give me dexterity saving throws.

Callie is not visible right now and has moved out of the way.

That is a 13.

I'll use Indomitable.

Okay.

Try to save.

Murphy, your gens is showing.

My gens is showing?

You love the Spellas Gens.

Oh, I mean, Chain Lightning is just so fucking good.

10d8 to three different people.

Give me a break.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

I rolled another 13.

Another 13.

Okay.

So that was a waste.

You fully, you like dive out of the way one way.

You see the lightning starts to arc towards you.

You dive the other way just as it bounces off a wall and connects with you.

It's going to do 47 damage.

Yeah.

It makes sense that Jens likes it.

Yeah.

It does 47 damage to Calder.

Saul, what'd you get?

I got a 15.

Hits Saul, Saul, 47 damage.

Okay, so I take half of that.

So 24?

It's rounded down, so 23.

23, okay.

So you are able to get out of it a little bit.

Yeah, you dodge like the main ball of lightning, but catch some of it on the edge, and it kind of lights up your wet frog skin.

Your moistened rod.

Oh, I shouldn't have taken the bath for so long.

Damn, you're so lubed.

And then Balnor is hit for the full 47.

Ah!

Ah, yeah, that'll wake you up.

That'll wake you you up.

Your visor's on fire.

Yeah.

The second Fatebringer mage casts a spell on himself.

Callie, you see, he starts looking around the room.

See invisibility.

And then locks in on you.

Oof.

Okay.

And he's got this white veil on, this blue cloak over him, and kind of twists his head and then points a finger up.

Okay.

After the first two Fatebringer mages, that is Saul's turn.

Okay, so you got some new tricks.

Wouldn't be be fun if you didn't.

I'm just going to try and stun as many as I can.

Okay.

I'm going to try and like pinball across them, just tagging each of them if I can get to them.

Great.

Okay.

So you go in.

There's enough of them kind of bunched together that you're just throwing punches in all directions.

You go into like punch one.

He kind of tries to block.

You kick off him and turn around and use that to kick an unsuspecting one in the face.

How about some frog lightning, huh?

What?

What reference is that?

It's not a re- I made it up.

Okay.

You guys are so fucking unoriginal.

It doesn't even rhyme, though.

It's chain lightning.

It's frog lightning.

Frog lightning.

Goodbye.

Right.

It's grease lightning.

That doesn't rhyme either.

Frog.

He makes you cream.

It's frog lightning.

Whoa.

Valdor goes, whoa.

What?

What are you talking about?

Creaming here, man.

Gonna cream your frog.

Say, oh my god.

We've been talking about lather and cream all afternoon.

Okay.

What did you get on your attacks?

Okay, let's see.

26.

As the one guy is protesting the

frog lightning song, you crack him across the face.

That's the one who is pointing.

So that's the one with true sight on.

Okay.

So I'll say if he's stunned, he can't even tell his friends where she's at.

I'll say he did use a free action to kind of point in her general area, but he's not going to be able to communicate.

He got a 19 on the die, is a 21, so he doesn't ask.

Okay, but you can hit him again.

All right.

Yeah, I'll smack him again.

Great.

That's going to be a 22 to hit.

Hits.

We'll roll again for stun.

That one fails.

Woo!

On the second hit, yeah, you crack him once.

He sort of cracks his neck and gets back into it and starts to like leer at you.

And you kick him right in the gut and he grabs like his liver and keels over.

So that dude is stunned.

Tell me more, tell me more.

I'll do the damage after this.

I'm going to do two more attacks on the next guys.

Great.

Okay, next one is going to be a 23 hits and then a 24.

Also hits.

Okay.

So do you want to do do two more stunning strikes?

Yeah.

Okay.

Nat one, next guy gets stunned.

Blue.

Rad.

Okay.

And last guy, Nat four, gets stunned.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you crack this first guy twice, resists the stun, but you're able to crumple him on the second hit, just like a beautiful liver shot that makes him drop.

And then you turn around as the guys go, whoa, man, and start to lean in.

You turn around and you crack them with like bicycle kicks across the face.

That's 34 damage to the first guy.

Okay, great.

And then 20 damage to the other two.

So 10 each.

So 10 each.

Got it.

No joke.

Saul is a whirlwind

of this room.

After Saul's turn.

Could I use a free action to talk to Trash Can?

Yes.

Yes, I would allow that.

I'm going to play this by the book.

I've got DCs for how hard it is to convince him to join the side, how hard it is to get him to stop attacking, things like that.

But right now, he looks very willing to attack.

You see, he just looks around, kind of calculates the situation, sees that you guys are a little bit outnumbered, is on Charbin's side, revs his drill, and you hear a loud buzzing.

Beep, beep, boop.

I respond,

you are speaking his language.

What do you

say to him?

Tell us where Bear Lane is.

If you really want to know who's the best fit to get the crown, you'll let us all fight it out here.

It's an experiment, a hypothesis.

Interesting.

Go ahead and give me a

persuasion check.

Okay.

I'm using Albin's science words.

Ah, 15.

15.

You see, he looks at you, scans you.

You feel like a blue light go over you, and then a red light.

There is some hesitance.

Then he looks down one of the magma tubes, like one of the hallway, and goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

And says, let's test your hypothesis, but keeps the drill revving.

He goes to attack you, but motions towards where Bear Lane is being kept.

I thank him for the infrared bath and then relay this information.

And I will say mechanically, he is now attacking with disadvantage because you've got him thinking that you might be the right side.

Okay.

So he's still going to make attacks, but they're going to be with disadvantage.

After Saul's turn, that is Calliope's turn.

Calliope, you have the high ground.

Yeah.

Six of these Fatebringer mages, three of them are stunned right now.

Three are stunned.

Only two have gone.

So I want to go for someone who's not stunned and who hasn't acted yet.

You got it.

Okay, and since I'm have greater invisibility, I can roll with advantage.

You can roll with advantage.

So, Calliope has this giant Archibus.

She only gets one shot at this before she has to reload it again.

It takes an entire attack action and an entire action to reload.

Yeah.

So, Callie, you try to steady it.

You're looking down at these fate bringers.

Okay, first one

is a nat 20.

A nat 20?

Yes, dude.

Yes, dude.

Without even advantage.

If I roll two nat 20s, could I just win?

I didn't.

I didn't.

I didn't.

Here's what I will allow, though.

Okay.

On a nat 20,

this thing is kind of janky, right?

So it doesn't do any damage, but I will say how I will reward you on a nat 20 is that you only need a bonus action to reload it for this round.

This thing basically like charges up to full power.

You feel it like glowing and vibrating in your hand.

It shoots out it wraps around one of the fate bringers that has not acted yet that was like looking to attack saul who's attacking his comrades the arcanette wraps around him pulls in super tight to the point where it knocks him over and he can't brace his fall and just bangs his head super hard on the ground brutally

I felt that.

It's almost like having a wet towel over you or something like that where it like forms over his body.

This was designed to keep these mages restrained and set to their exact magical frequency.

So you see, he's trying to cast spells, trying to cast like a counter spell or something to get him out.

And a shock of arcane energy goes through him as he writhes.

And this dude is incapacitated unless one of his friends can use like a full action to try to help him out, but it's pretty unlikely.

So then I'm going to Souls Communicated where Bear Lane is and I'm going to say do we want to try to send Kenna to free Bear Lane maybe with the helm?

Yes.

Oh, that's a great idea.

What do you guys think about that?

Calder takes off his helm and he nods.

Okay.

So then I'm going to ask my bonus action cast sanctuary on Kenna.

Ooh, nice.

So anyone who wants to attack her has to make a wisdom save in order to attack her.

Sweet.

Okay, yeah.

You cast, I'll say as a free action, Calder goes to toss the helm to Kenna.

Kenna catches it.

You see, it's way too big for her head, but she bravely puts it on.

She's got a bucket over her head, essentially.

Use the chin strap.

Tilt it back.

Don't worry, I can handle this.

You see, she runs into the wall twice before going down the right magma, too.

Thank God she's wearing a helm.

Okay, and then I'm going to move my position away from where the mage was pointing.

Nice.

Great.

Okay, yeah.

You use your...

Wow, that's awesome.

Okay, cool.

You use your movement to move out of the way.

You've just shot this net from that direction the only guy with true sight is stunned so he just crawls stunned and he's pointing in a direction that i'm not oh he ain't pointing anywhere he's just grabbing his his tummy uh next in the initiative order is a rare good kenna uh initiative role yeah kenna is going to with the bucket over her head charge down a magma tube and you see is kind of just banging into everything you see she knocks over a fire elemental just like bowls him over a bunch of guys try to take attacks on her, but she has sanctuary, and you see she disappears down the tunnel.

That's my little tank.

After Kenneth's turn, that is two Fatebringer mages' turns.

All right.

One who is stunned and one who can still act.

Okay, so a lot of you are problems.

A lot of you are.

A lot of you have proven to be huge problems.

That's what our bounty posters say.

Yeah.

Huge problems.

Huge problems.

But maybe most of all, right now, is Saul, and you are up in the mix.

Callie has disappeared right now, so they don't know where she is.

Calder and Callie, you guys are watching.

Saul is fighting all these fate bringers at once, trying to just get a few hits in on each one to trying, succeed, succeeding, succeeding.

But he's holding them all off, right?

You see, one whips his hand around, and from the outside, it kind of looks like a portal or something, like a window into another world, puts it up almost as like a veil or a shield between him and Saul, and then reaches through.

And you see, his hand becomes necrotic and turns like skeletal, grabs Saul's face and pulls it through this little portal.

Whoa!

And as the Fatebringer does that, Saul, at first, you feel like this cold, necrotic hand grab your head and pull you, and then you feel a warm wind blow over you

and

find yourself transported to another world.

You see that you find yourself in a maze of moss.

You see tall swamp grass that is packed so closely together, you can't make heads or tails of where you are.

Go ahead and give me a perception check.

Oh no, he sent me to an escape room.

It is kind of an escape room.

Nat 20.

Oh my god.

Yes.

In your face, Brian.

Oh, my God.

It's just for a perception check, you fucking idiot.

What are you doing?

Right.

I thought it was the same.

No, damn it.

But he isn't a maze.

That's very good.

With a Nat 20 perception check, Saul, you look around.

You were very overwhelmed at first.

Kind of losing your sense of reality.

You're like, okay, my friends were just here, but where is this?

And then you see an automaladron, maybe like 15 feet away from you like in the distance but her face is obscured by swamp grass

and you hear her go you're looking right in front of you

you have to look up

oh like a tadpole looking for the sun

you see she nods and with that nat 20 perception check you feel a

like break in reality and you see her hands grow to be like long claws and she looks taller and you see like a crown of thorns and you instantly know this to be jovier in another form what what are you doing here i'm trying to show you the way um you look up and see a sky full of glittering stars but beyond that you also see galaxies and planets and moons and planar pools these different colored portals to other planes.

It looks like you're looking through like a telescope or something.

You're seeing this like close-up view of the galaxy and they all seem to revolve

around one

glittering green planet.

That is our world.

The crown jewel of the gods.

It was created by all of them together.

But when they couldn't agree on how it should be ruled, they signed a pact to never become directly involved in the everyday affairs of humanoids.

But when Theala ascended to godhood and attacked the material plane 200 years ago, she broke that pact.

And now,

rogue gods fight for domination of the outer planes.

You see that a few of the multicolored planes in the sky turn red.

You see a meteor begin shooting out of the sky and flying towards the swamp.

How long before they come for this world?

The one they all created together?

And you think that you're the one to stop them?

You think that you have

the power to control this whole world and make decisions for it?

I know it.

I have seen it.

We've met people beyond this this world, beyond the stars that are working to protect us, Hardwon Shorefoot.

Amongst others, they're losing.

How could you know that?

I saw him.

He was brave.

He was courageous.

He had friends.

There's no way he could be losing.

The reason you met him in the first place, Saul, is because he is failing.

How long before they come to our shores, Saul?

You see the meteor that had begun falling out of the sky gets bigger and bigger and bigger and keeps coming closer and closer to you.

See, she reaches her hand out and goes, Only I can lead you out of here.

No.

We'll do it together.

We'll all work together to stop this.

You can't take all the power.

It never works.

You'll be crushed.

As you say that, you see a break in reality.

You see the hand turns long and claw-like, and she goes, It does work.

I have seen it.

Your way doesn't work.

Reaches out and attempts to grab you.

Go ahead and give me an intelligence-saving throw.

You can make this with advantage because of your excellent perception check.

Hey,

thank you.

We talk about bad crits.

That was actually the worst crit of all time.

Was on that perception check.

I guess even knowing it was Jove was good because otherwise, if you just like grabbed her hand, then you'd be screwed.

But yes, you can tell that the situation is bad.

Ooh, and that nat one would have been worse, but it's going to be still bad, just a seven.

Okay.

You feel Jovere reaches out for you.

You refuse to take her hand.

You kind of stumble back.

That meteor gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

And you hear it crash.

Jovir, hidden amongst the swamp grass, just speaks to you in a booming voice.

Fine, you've made your choice.

Die then by Grumps' hand.

And you hear stomping through the swamp grass coming to find you, a god.

After that Fatebringer's turn, the other one is stunned.

That brings us to just the way the initiative worked out.

Another two Fatebringers.

One is stunned, one is restrained by the net.

The one in the stunned condition comes out of stunned and tries to analyze what's going on with his friend that got hit with the net.

But Saul has disappeared.

You see that as this Fatebringer pulled Saul through the portal, Saul is gone.

After all of the Fatebringers have gone, used their turn getting out of stunned and everything, that is Calder's turn.

I think I stride over to the Fatebringer that pulled Saul through the portal.

Yeah.

And I say, where is he?

He went somewhere to treat with the Queen Jovia.

Bring him back.

I will send you to him.

C prepares on his next turn, swaps the portal over to you, and prepares to launch at you.

I think I might want that portal to open.

So maybe I'll use my attack.

Who else is around me?

Is Charbin close?

Charbin.

Yeah, you see, Charbin is lumbering over, just has a giant hammer.

Even for him, this giant that is super strong, his ego is so large that he has an oversized hammer.

Sorry, I can't resist.

I'm going to try to hit you while you're walking to your hammer.

Right on us.

I see.

Wait, really?

You don't want to.

The portal guy?

No?

It's a 23, a 27, and

15.

15 does not hit.

That one bounces off of Charbin's armor.

He laughs, and then you crack him so hard twice.

That's 32 damage to Charbin.

Sick.

Okay, Charbin is pretty hardy, and you see with each hit, flame erupts under his armor like a furnace, and you see more smoke pouring out from his armor.

He looms over you and gets ready to swing his great hammer.

Bring it on, Sherbin.

After Calder's turn, that is Trash Can's turn.

You no longer understand what Trash Can is saying because Saul is gone.

But you see, he pulls the cord on his drill.

You hear it buzzing.

This disgusting, like rusty drill, goes in and goes after Calder.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, man.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

You see him turns red like you've just said something extremely offensive.

Oh, no, no, no, beep, beep, beep beep But he's gonna take attacks with disadvantage because it's conflicted and misses on both of them with disadvantage So it's kind of half-heartedly attacking you to make it appear to the rest of the room that he's doing his part But looks like he's trying to analyze the situation.

Okay.

After Trash Can's turn, that is Balnor's turn.

Yes.

He's gonna run in, and I guess I'll just join your side.

I'll just follow your lead and take some cracks at Charbin.

Do it for the visor.

Okay, Balnor.

Oh, wait, no.

Balnor's not a champion in this timeline.

Balnor is a purple dragon knight in this timeline.

Sick.

But hits three times and is going to do 32 damage to Charbin.

So no joke at all.

Charbin has already taken a decent amount of damage, but again, looks quite hardy.

This giant primordial giant screams in rage about the Empire.

Would you say that he's got a purple heart?

Because heart is the word for deer and he's a a purple Dragon Knight.

Stop, dude.

Okay.

I'm in a maze.

I can't do anything.

After Balnor's turn, that is High Emberlord Charbin's turn.

Charbin is going to take three cracks down on Calder with his forge hammer.

So swings this.

Uses his momentum.

It's got it like up on his shoulder.

It's so heavy.

Does a press where he like presses the giant head of the hammer and then uses his momentum to swing it around.

And Calder, it is like a wrecking ball coming at you.

That's a really big hammer.

23 to hit on the first attack.

I'll cast shield to avoid that.

Wow.

Calder.

Usually when you cast shield, it just goes up and it magically deflects the attack.

In this case, you throw up a shield.

You see his magical weapon essentially shatters the shield and sends you like 10 feet back, protects you, but it's like getting hit by a car while you're wearing a suit of armor.

You're still like, oh, oh, fuck.

Wow.

Wasn't that shield-y.

Yeah.

Shield reforms though and holds up.

You see, he charges at you.

And once this guy starts getting momentum, he actually goes pretty fast.

Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.

For the empire.

Takes a second swing.

Hold on.

29 to hit.

So that's going to hit no matter what.

So this one.

I'm kind of excited to see how much damage it does.

26 damage.

Just hits you in the gut with this wrecking ball and slams you into the wall.

And you're going to need to do a constitution saving throw.

Wow.

It hits you in the gut so hard.

That's a 27 for my concept.

27, you are all good.

So you steal yourself and you stand toe-to-toe with this giant as best you can.

Third attack is a big whiff.

It hits you in the stomach.

You kind of crumple over and just instinctively fall forward.

He's expecting you to stay down like he's underestimating you.

And you see, he heaves it over his shoulder to swing it down to do like a final shot to just watermelon explode your head.

But you recover fast enough that you whip your head up as you see this wrecking ball.

Boom!

Crashes where you just were.

After Jarbin's turn, you hear some business happening down the magma tube that Kenna has just run down.

You hear Trash Can!

And you see trash can looks up and looks concerned.

You're in trouble, dude.

I mean, I mean, beep boop.

Yeah.

And you feel the room is already kind of shaking from Honeysuckle being on his way.

You feel it shakes even more as another giant begins stomping down the hallway.

After Barry Lane's turn, that is back to the top of the order.

One of the Fatebringers is stunned.

Will come out of the stunned condition after Saul's next turn.

Yeah.

But for now, cannot do anything.

So just continues to grab his liver and roll around on the ground.

The other Fate Bringer is going to use his eighth level spell.

And you see, Callie, as you're watching from Greater Invisibility, you still have this Archebus ready to go.

You see, once again, swirls to create this portal, reaches out a necrotic hand and is behind Calder, grabs Calder like by the hair and yanks him through.

Calder, you're totally locked into pitched combat with Charbin, and then you are yanked back.

Yeah.

Completely disoriented.

But as this necrotic hand grabs you and pulls you, you feel a cold wind wash over you.

And then

you find yourself in a maze of ice.

Hard-packed snow on the ground.

Walls of frost in front of you that lead into twisted corridors and halls.

howling winds that blow through the tunnels.

You look to your left, you see there's a path.

You look to the right, there's a path.

In front and behind you are thick walls of ice.

You're losing your sense of reality.

You know you're in a bad situation, but you're trying to remember why.

And right now you look around, you're like, where are Callie and Saul?

They're somewhere here.

Go ahead and give me a perception check.

Alright.

16.

Which way do you go?

Left or right?

Whenever I call Shard, I call Shard to my right hand.

So I turn the way of my sword.

Oh, yeah, right.

You reach your hand out.

You feel Shard begins to form in the air.

There's a cold wind coming from that direction, so you follow it.

You go through, and the winding path continues to branch.

There's no clear way out, no clear destination.

And as you look behind you, you don't recognize the way that that you came from.

This thing seems to be shifting every time you go around a corner.

The paths just multiply and multiply and multiply.

And the more you walk, the kind of more lost you get.

You keep turning around, turning around, more paths, more paths.

And then, with that 16 perception check, you come to a corner, see a wall of frost, and you hear...

Muffled screaming coming from behind it.

I take Shard's hilt and I start smashing it against the ice to try to break through.

You break off a few chunks of ice,

these like white chunks of snow that you can't see through, and eventually get to clear ice.

You see

the twisted and pained face of your brother Gregor dead.

He has as you brush more snow you see that he has died of a brutal festering axe wound to the chest.

I keep on pounding at the ice, but I'm losing heart and I'm just yelling.

Gregor!

Gregor!

You keep pounding into the ice, and as you do, almost like you're breaking a mirror, more images appear as the ice spider webs, you see scattered bodies, the rest of your family, Mira, Yurg, Gowan, the giants of the ice knife, all slaughtered.

I start pounding with my fist instead of my sword.

You pound until your fist is raw, and then you hear a

woman's voice echoing through the maze.

This is the path that you walk.

This is where it ends.

You see

an Eladron emerges.

from another nearby wall of ice like she phases through it.

You see her leafy hair is covered in frost.

At first,

she looks like a winter eladron, but you see that under the snow, her hair and skin are autumnal.

She's got like brown, red, and yellow leaves for hair.

You see, her face is kind of soft and round, and she speaks to you in a soothing voice and goes,

We squabble amongst ourselves,

but our enemy is united.

A great danger is on the horizon, and Bahumia is not ready.

And you show me this because

you want me to trust you?

You show me

my family and my friends dead

to earn my respect?

I'm trying to show you what will happen.

What I have seen happen.

If we don't unite under one banner.

I have seen only one path to victory.

I'm tired of working with people that only see one path.

She nods and

looks to kind of almost like she's trying to explain something to a child or something, like this, like kind of condescendingly, like patient thing.

But you see the little flickers of like the hands kind of turn into claws for a second as like the illusion breaks for a moment.

And you see in the various walls of ice around you, visions of Grumpsh, this Cyclops warlord dominating the Fae Wild and the material plane, destroying destroying cities, killing brave heroes by the dozen with each strike.

But you see, she gestures down

one path amongst the dozens of branching ones.

The walls of ice show a path to victory.

You see the Fae Wild and the Material Plain united under the banner of the Winter Court, carrying these black and blue flags.

You see, Queen Jovere in the form of a great archfey with a crown of sealie and unseely power beats back Groomsch and his forces.

She takes on different faces like she's wearing a mask, at times using rays of sunlight, other times enhancing her attacks by cloaking herself in darkness.

And

she holds her hand out

and offers it to you and goes,

There is another

way.

I can take you down the right path.

Yours only leads to ruin.

You're just showing me what you want me to see, but my brother is still alive out there.

He's still gonna fight.

I'm gonna fight with the living.

I'm gonna fight with my friends.

You see

her face kind of twitches.

The illusion starts to break.

She begins reaching out to you with a clawed hand.

Go ahead and give me an intelligence-saving throw.

You can do it with advantage.

It's uh 16.

You

back away from her,

and as you do, you had heard muffled screaming from that wall behind you.

Instead, you hear a war cry.

As you see, a Cyclops warlord god gets bigger and bigger and bigger and shatters through the barrier and begins chasing you through the maze.

You are still trapped in there.

Callie from the outside, you see that Saul and Calder have both disappeared.

After

that guy's turn, the other guy's stunned.

We cut to Saul.

Saul, you are stuck in this maze spell.

The way the maze spell works, Saul, is that you can use your action to attempt to escape.

When you do so, you make a DC-20 intelligence check.

We'll call it a save, though.

Not that it helps you that much.

I will still allow you advantage because you refused Jo Vir and you see this place for what it is, a trap.

And yeah, you hear Grumpsh or some kind of other extraplanar being screaming and running through the swamp grass.

Do you really think that you're big enough to stop that by yourself?

By myself?

No.

Then what?

With all the armies connected under you?

Yes.

Don't you understand?

All the power is consolidated.

If you die, Grumpsch gets it.

Then what?

Then, then we lose.

But we're already going to lose.

You don't know that.

I do.

No.

I have seen it with my own eyes.

She reaches out to grab you.

You know what I think?

I think you've seen more futures than you can ever see, and it scares you.

You've seen possibilities that scare you beyond Grumps.

You've seen yourself falling because you know that there are other ways and you're hiding them from us.

Your fear is what's making you do this.

I'll show you another way.

Fuck.

No, I won't.

That's a 14.

You see,

she grows taller and taller and taller.

She grabs you by the neck, reaches you up into the sky as an offering as you see this giant extraplanar Grumpsch begins walking towards you.

You feel yourself choking and losing consciousness.

After Saul's turn, that is Callie's turn.

Okay, does it look like I have to try to go into this portal, or if I break the concentration, these portals will spit them back out.

It looks like if you break the concentration it would spit them back out.

And then I think I'm gonna

throw my Arquebus over my shoulder and take out my

I will say if they're incapacitated in the net they also would break concentration.

I know but I've I'm taking a chance here to try to get both.

Okay, hell yeah.

All right.

So I am still great at invisibility, so I can attack with advantage.

Great, nice.

I'm going to go after the mage that has cast the portal on Sol first.

Okay, great.

Does a 19 hit.

19 does hit.

Okay.

I'm going to do a fourth level smite.

Okay.

31 damage.

Okay.

Is going to make a DC 15 constitution saving throw.

Natural one fails.

Yes!

Okay.

Okay, so Callie, you run into battle.

This dude does not have True Sight on, is holding his hand out, concentrating on a spell.

You go up and stab him right under the ribs brutally.

You see his arm drops, just goes limp.

The portal disappears and

Saul materializes.

Saul, you are being held up, being offered as almost like a sacrifice to this extra planar being.

And then you feel your slippery frogginess slip from her grasp.

And as you fall and hit the ground where you would hit the swamp grass, instead, you hit the floor of the middle of this volcanic room.

Okay, and then I'm going to go after the one that did the portal on.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, you see another one reaching his arm out.

This is a 16 hit.

16 just hits.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, I will do another fourth level smite.

Okay.

32 damage.

Okay, DC 16 constitution saving throw

with 17 passes.

Okay, and then I'm going to go with my offhand.

Okay.

Okay, so that's a 29 to hit.

Hits.

And I'm going to add a bardic defensive flourish.

Okay, so maybe.

So this is another fourth level smite.

Hell yeah.

Spit me out.

40 damage.

Oh, wow.

Okay, yeah.

DC 20 constitution saving throw.

These guys add plus two to constitution.

So it needs to get an 18 or higher.

I'll roll this in front of Emily here.

That's a 13.

Fails.

Yes,

so

Calliope, you see the true like zealotry of these mages and their conviction because the other one you were able to stab in such a way that arm just kind of went limp and dropped concentration.

You see this other one, you stab him in a way that you think would be like a mortal wound, and he sort of just grits his teeth and keeps concentrating, keeps holding his hand out.

And you have to stab him actually like like in the shoulder to get him to release.

Drops the spell.

Calder, you are rushing through this maze, trying to get away from this avatar of Grumpsh that is racing after you.

You turn, you see a wall of ice in front of you, but see the image of your friends fighting Charbin and the Fate Bringers in the ice.

I'll hop out of that.

You shatter through it.

You guys see the shatter of ice as Calder appears on the battlefield.

And then I'm going to hand Calder the gun and say it's a bonus action to fix it, but I think that I have to start like casting spells or something like that.

I catch it, cock it.

Yeah,

or I can even throw it to Balnor.

Yeah,

yeah, okay, I'll throw it to Balnor.

Sweet, lock and load.

Bonus action to lock and load, and then not mine, you have to use one.

And then I'm gonna like continue to move, maybe just out of the way.

Okay.

You know, he's got his hunting license.

After Callie's turn, that is

Kenna's turn.

You see, Kenna runs back in the room, has to use a full dash action to get in,

but takes the helm off and throws it back to Calder.

And she goes, she's coming.

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

She seems really pissed off.

Don't let her squeeze you.

I think that's a good thing.

I kept saying, just look at the helmet and concentrate.

And she kept saying, I'm going to pop you.

Interesting.

That's good.

She's focused.

Hopefully she was talking about Charbin.

Yeah.

After Kenna's turn, that is

two Fate Bringer Mages.

Not stunned because they've come out of it.

At the end of Saul's turn, one is going to burn another chain lightning.

Go after the same people as before.

Go ahead and give me dexterity-saving throws.

Just grabs this ball of lightning, throws it up into the air.

It turns into three arcs and goes after Balnor, Calder, and Saul.

That's a seven.

A 12.

36 damage.

I'm going to use Stone's Endurance.

Cool.

And shake off as much of it as I can.

That's pretty good.

The other one cannot see Callie and thus cannot target her with a spell, but knows that there's an invisible whirlwind going through.

So he's going to throw a fireball in Callie's direction.

Callie, go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw.

I mean, I'm up with his friends.

Like, wouldn't he hit some of his friends?

Sure.

Yeah, I think that's fair.

I'll say we'll hit the one that you just hit.

He'll do a dexterity saving throw and fails.

I definitely fail.

I got 11.

Okay.

You and his friend take 31 damage.

Yeah, as you two are locked in, you've just like stabbed through his shoulder to try to get him to release the spell.

As you two are locked in together,

fail my concentration.

I'm not going to be able to do it.

Fail your concentration.

Okay.

As you two are locked together, this Fatebringer mage makes the cold decision to just fry both of you, sends a 31 damage fireball and blows up both ya.

Does he look hurt?

Like emotionally?

He looks emotionally hurt and physically hurt.

Yes.

Okay.

I literally used like my two best smites and he took a fireball and he's still standing.

I don't think that we can beat these guys.

We got to net these guys.

Well, there's one that's like on death's door, one who is netted, and then a couple that have taken like 30 damage each.

After those round of Fate Bringers, just the way initiative worked out, two more Fate Bringers.

One is incapacitated and just rolls around in the net.

Tries to cast a spell, gets more hurt, gets a level of exhaustion.

The next Fate Bringer is going to.

Yeah, fuck it.

Come on.

No, don't fuck it.

He's going to throw a fireball in Callie's direction and fry his friend as well.

Go ahead and give me.

You can fuck it a little bit.

Okay, actually, yeah, do fuck it.

That's the nat one.

Okay.

Natural two for the other guy.

That is 36 damage, Callie.

But

he completely fries his friend.

The friend is gone.

Callie, you are hit with this fireball and are just covered in the viscera of this other Fatebringer mage.

These guys are

so cold.

Cool strategy, guys.

Thank you.

I looked through his charred corpse for like his spellcasting focus.

Yeah.

Just, I don't know why, just like I throw dads.

You find like kind of like a cool marble?

Fun!

That is so cool!

I wish I knew your story, we got.

Yeah, you find, it's like a marble that looks like a crystal, and it's got kind of like a kaleidoscope as you look into it.

It just looks different based on how the light hits it.

This is so cool.

I'm done for the rest of the battle.

I'm charmed.

After that Fatebringer's turn, that is Calder's turn.

Oh, all right.

And you're back.

I'm back.

Calder, did you go to Joe Vera's escape room too?

Yeah, mine was really cold.

What was yours like?

Mine was like really wet and gross and swampy, so it was kind of nice, but like I couldn't even enjoy it because she was there.

And I got kicked out the way I normally get kicked out of escape rooms by getting everything greasy, and then they get really mad at me.

Really?

Yeah,

I was chased out by a Cyclops, so

interesting experience.

A Cyclops?

Uh, Baldor, can I borrow your gun?

Yeah, of course.

Uh, yeah, Balnor tosses it over to you.

Uh, you've got the Archibus.

Uh, it is not loaded right now because Balnor has not had a bonus action to shoot.

Yeah, but because of my Nat 20, it's still this time, I'll only take a bonus action.

So, yep, sweet.

I'll bonus action load it up.

Hell yeah, You load it up.

Is there a particular one that you are going after?

Do you want to strategically kind of go after one that is acting at the beginning of the initiative or something like that?

Yes.

I'll be smart for the first time and do that.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

I'll train the Archebus on that guy and pull the trigger.

Great.

Shutting my eyes.

That's 22.

22.

So with just a plus six, though, it's not your normal attack.

With a plus six.

With a plus six, 22.

Nice.

That hits.

So burst of Arcane energy explodes out, wraps around this Fatebringer mage.

You see, it's instantly pulled taut, and this guy crashes forward, bangs his head on the ground, and begins writhing and screaming, trying to cast spells to get out.

Give me your marble, you piece of shit.

I don't have a marble!

What the hell am I fighting you for?

He's just got a weird rubber band.

You see, he does have a cool rubber band.

You see, playing with a rubber band in his other hand as he concentrates concentrates on the body.

That other one, his focus is just a finger trap.

And another one's a fidget spinner.

Give me the fidget spinner.

We got to get that.

I'm going to action surge and train the Archibus on the fidget spinner again.

Okay, that it will require a reload now.

Okay, so I guess I'll action surge and I'll reload it and offer it to Balnor actually.

Hell yeah.

Okay, so you cock it.

Toss it over to Balnor.

You see it powers up and reloads.

But you guys have taken out another Fatebringer.

One's been blown up by his friend, slash Callie, who did a lot of damage to him.

And two have been restrained by this weapon.

After Calder's turn, that is Trash Can's turn.

You see, Trash Can starts to look worried now that Bear Lane is on the way.

Beep, beep, boop, boop, beep.

Is going to prepare an action to deal with Bear Lane when she gets here.

What?

You would turn on your mother.

Beep, beep, beep, beep,

Looks kind of sad.

It's okay.

We'll vouch for you.

You got to remember the day ones.

Beep.

She'll understand, man.

Just tell her.

Yeah, just come clean.

Yeah, she's reasonable.

That's one thing we know about her.

Yeah, you'd be surprised when people can get past.

Beep.

I think underneath all of that dirt and anger, there's just a nice, warm heart that you can reach.

Beep, beep.

Go ahead and give me a perception check.

That's a 31.

That's not bad.

Okay.

I'm going to say,

that's awesome.

I'm going to say Trash Can has not been completely won over to your side or anything, but now thinks he can deal with Berlane.

He's like, I can explain this rationally to Bare Lane.

All right,

let's figure this out.

What are you going to say?

Beep.

Yeah, try it out on our CD.

Yeah, test it.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Okay.

You know?

You know, that sounds really good, actually.

Yeah.

I think you've got this.

I think you have.

Trash can!

After Trash Can's turn, that is Balnor's turn.

Locked and loaded.

Is going to take a shot.

You see, this like little halfling with an Argobus that's bigger than him is definitely going to blow him across the room.

We'll take a shot at, yeah, one of the Fate Bringers that's first in the initiative.

So one of them's already restrained.

I'll roll in front of the table.

Balnor needs to get a 10 or higher.

He's got no shenanigans to get advantage or anything like that.

So he's got to get 10 or higher to hit.

Come on, dude.

That is a five.

You see,

boom!

Blasts him across the room, and he almost fully falls into a pool of lava.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Yeah, that's scary.

That would have been a terrible death.

There would have been no god.

Could you imagine?

Yeah.

All this way just to die in a pool of lava.

Thinking about it.

It'd be bad.

We would have said it happened another way.

He will action surge.

Oh, right.

Another fighter.

Yeah, he's going to cock it, load it for another charge,

and then prepares just to toss it to whoever can use it.

Nice.

That is High Ember Lord Charbin's turn.

A lot of focus on these mages.

Not a lot of focus on the leader of the Empire.

Is going to run forward and just take three more cracks at Calder.

Don't you mean King Consort of the Empire?

Yeah, King Consort.

Leader Consort.

Consort of the leader.

Not the King Consort.

Go ahead and give me a...

Man, this would be like a taunt check.

So you can do intimidation or persuasion, but when you say that, that actually hits deep.

You see?

You see, it's like when you're razzing your friend and you're like, uh-oh, I've struck a chord.

This isn't fun anymore.

So you guys are like talking shit about like the Empire and stuff.

And when you call him King Consort, he goes like, You wouldn't be like that.

Didn't you just go into like a private room with her?

Oh, yeah, she said it was gonna be like that.

I

invited them in for like seven minutes and headaches.

It's going to be the Empire/slash

Wintercourts.

No, she says you're gonna mostly like cut ribbons at factory openings.

Go ahead and give me persuasion or deception or intimidation.

I'll allow anyone for a hard ras.

Callie, you got this.

But give her a squeeze.

That's a 19 on the die plus 15 for persuasion becomes a 34.

Fully going to self-consciously roll with disadvantage as he swings down.

And you see he's doing the math in his head

as he sees like the Fate Bringers aren't following his command.

They're not trying to protect him.

And he kind of, as you guys call him King Consort, there is a rage that takes over him.

You see his eyes turn fiery.

And he's swinging down at Calder.

He still has a high plus to hit, but is going to be rolling with disadvantage.

Still a 24 to hit.

Rolled an 11 on the lower.

Okay.

Not even with shield that would hit me.

Okay.

You do see hits you with like, doesn't hit you with like the head of the hammer.

Is like...

over swinging hits you with like the bar part because he's he's just kind of swinging with rage now 25 damage, uh, and it's going to swing with disadvantage on the next attack.

And I'll say he's not going to completely focus up, he turns around and swings at Saul.

Well, natural one,

this is a big time,

crashes into the pool of lava that almost killed Balmor.

Saul limbos over to Dodge and says, Do you have any good hobbies?

You're probably gonna need a hobby that you're gonna have.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you know what's fun though?

You'll probably get a mistress zipline.

Yes, I'm too strong for a Mistress Zipline.

I would simply wait down with my mask.

You don't have to use it.

The Mistresses use it.

We'll swing with disadvantage on Calliope.

A Raz has never worked so well.

The thought had occurred to him,

and it is hurting him.

Okay.

Lower one is a 17, so.

That misses because my AC.

It's a 31, though.

A 31.

He rolled a disadvantage and got a 7.

Okay.

24 damage, Callie.

24.

You could probably get a Mistress Lava tube.

But that is the end of Charbin's turn.

I will say the bonus to that, even though he hit on, well, he missed on one attack because of disadvantage, but he's also just trying to crush you all like whack-a-mole instead of focusing up like he was before.

After High Ember Lord Charbin, you hear stomping down the hallway

as Bear Lane emerges in a

flying leap.

Like, it looks like she started jumping, like, halfway down the tunnel that you couldn't see her.

She crashes into the middle of the room.

She looks full of rage, but her eyes are red.

It looks like she's been, like, crying.

I see, like, tear-stained cheeks as she points her, like, boulder-like fists at Trash Can and goes, Trash can!

You betrayed me!

And she's going to run in and start taking emotional club attacks at Trash Can.

Oh, no.

We need to let her have this round, but after this one.

Misses on the first attack, rolls a natural three,

but does manage to hit on the second attack for 32 damage.

Okay, Bairlenu, I love that you're working out your anger, but you're going to have to listen because he's not the one that you're going to want to be hitting.

Yes, he is.

He's not the one that put you in the force cage, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Consort Charbin did that.

Do you mind if I drop the king and just call you Consort Charbin?

Consort Charbin did that!

That person is not here!

Because I am not a consort!

There is no fire pund that you could make about that!

And that can't be true!

You know what's cute?

You and Lesterborn should start a group of consorts.

A group of consorts, and you guys could call yourself...

You could call yourself the...

I mean, there was!

I couldn't be part of it!

And you could call yourself the consortium.

Oh, that's great.

That's great, but someone else.

You know, who needs world peace when you got side pieces, right?

There will be no peace.

He's just screaming.

But you see, Bear Lane

is tackling Trash Can.

Trash Can wrestles with her.

Bear Lane very clearly does not understand

why Trash Can did what he did.

But you guys scream.

And you do see she looks up up and she clocks you guys.

And you see, she points at Saul and goes, I like you.

I remember you.

Yes, I'm not going to pop you.

No, but if you need a good squeeze, let the anger out.

I'm here for you.

She just reaches down.

We're the ones who sent the girl with the hat, with the hat that got you out of the false cage.

Girl with the hat?

I don't like the girl with the hat.

Yeah, yeah.

She's with us, and I point to, I point to Calder, Foul, me, and also the worm that's come in.

You see, she looks around in a pure emotional rage and starts trying to clock it.

But you see, she's clocking, like, some of the wrong people, like, looks past Calder.

He's cool.

You're cool.

You're cool.

You're cool.

You're cool about it.

I'm cool.

Yes, sometimes points at the wrong people for who's cool or not.

Points at Balnor.

He's dead.

What?

Wait.

Hold on.

Hold up now.

seems like still a wild card.

I knew we should have brought name tags.

Top of the initiative, there's one who is not restrained.

There are three left.

So, two restrained, one who got blown up by his friend.

You see, this one is going to use his eighth-level spell of the day.

And you guys see swirling portal.

And now that Calliope is out of invisibility, he grabs Calliope and pulls her through it.

And as he does, Calliope,

you feel a

hot

wind

wash over you as the spell hits, and

you find yourself transported to this maze spell in a thick maze of trees.

Go ahead and give me a perception check.

15.

Okay, you see there is a fog that makes it hard to see which way is which.

You can't see anything on the horizon, and the trees are packed incredibly tight together.

But you realize that the fog

is smoke pouring in from the west.

Smoke pouring in from the west.

Yeah, it looks like there is a fire deeper in the forest coming from one direction.

With that perception check, you can tell which direction that is.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go towards the fire.

You start rushing towards the fire.

As you jog, you see orange embers in the distance.

The further away, the bigger the flame, and the fire is spreading.

Embers on the wind reach the trees around you and begin lighting up the leaves,

coming in all directions, now engulfing the forest behind you.

The smoke is like getting in your eyes.

You're having kind of trouble breathing.

Your eyes are watering.

It's hard to keep them open.

And now that the fire has spread to the forest behind you, there is

a thick cloud of black smoke.

You hear a voice coming from it.

Coming from behind you go,

This is what awaits the Fay Wild if we do not unite.

Material Plain, Fay Wild, Shadowfell, competing factions must come together, and only I can unite them.

Can I turn to the voice?

You turn to look into the smoke.

She is

covered in black smoke, completely obscured.

So this is why you're doing everything?

Who's going to do this to the Fey Wild?

There are

rogue gods

running wild.

But I have seen a future and I can guarantee that Bahumia can survive the years to come.

Can you honestly say that you could do the same?

No, of course I can't.

But I do think that your divination is imperfect.

And I just can't believe that the only way forward is to unite people with deception.

That's such a shaky grounds for cooperation.

I think that you all really, really think that your divination is a perfect science.

But I don't believe that it is.

Did you foresee everything with my mother?

Is that why

you turned her?

Is that why you gave her the powers of divination?

So that she would betray you and then you would have a public execution for her?

Was that all some master plan?

Or was that you reacting to things that you didn't expect, that you didn't see, that your divination was not perfect enough to anticipate?

You

are saying this in defiance of fire itself.

You speak this into

this fog that is burning you as you look look into it, but you stay standing and you sense that the person in the smoke is getting bigger.

You heard their voice coming from someone that was about your height, so probably an Eladron, but you begin to feel a looming presence and a booming voice.

projecting through the forest.

Yeah, that's right.

When you don't have an answer, you just get bigger and louder, don't you?

The face of Jovir appears out of the smoke.

Thorny crown.

She's as tall as a giant and she reaches out, pointing at you, just clawing at you with long, claw-like fingers.

You think me a monster?

That is by design.

No, I think you're a liar.

I think you're a liar, and I think you are a fearful person who's grasping at power because your ego needs something to feel more special than I am.

Here will unite us.

You think you are special because here will unite us?

What a beautiful worldview.

Man, I'd love to see what you could do with the fairy wild.

That was sarcasm if you too.

I know what sarcasm is.

You think because you are peregrine, that you are special.

But you have no destiny.

Our predictions would be perfect if it wouldn't be for people like you.

There would be peace.

That's the difference between me and you.

I actually don't think I'm special.

You think you're special.

And maybe the reason that you can't predict me is that I'm not trying to fucking leave my fucking thumbprint on history.

I don't fucking care if I'm entirely forgotten.

I just don't want all the fucking trees to get fucking chopped down to make fucking statues to your ego.

You will not be forgotten.

Oh, really?

Yes, you will be remembered for the pain you brought to the people that you indoctrinated with your whimsy.

Who have I tried to indoctrinate with whimsy?

Listen to yourself.

This army you're gathering, your sister will die tomorrow.

She will be a symbol of the crown's justice.

No, she will be yet another goat at the altar to your fucking pride.

Just like my mother was.

Just like the entire Fay Wild will be.

The thing is,

if you succeed,

you are going to be Grumps' first fucking meal.

Go ahead and give me a

intimidation check.

Just a five on the die.

so that becomes twelve.

You feel

the hot gust of air that was swirling around her begins pushing you back, she begins rejecting you, starting to throw you through the forest.

And you just hear this booming voice of indignation screaming out, Crushing you and your army will be a symbol of the crown's strength.

The realm will rally around your corpses.

No, it will be a symbol of the queen's fearfulness.

That's what it will be a symbol of.

God, you're fucking pathetic.

Do you know?

I actually was mad at my mother the day that you executed her.

I really thought, God, my mom has turned on the fucking wild.

And here's this woman who I can't help but respect for putting an end to what my mother was doing.

And now I see it was all just part of this

stupid fucking bid for attention.

Bid for attention.

You feel a

rage through this place.

I think I feel interested that all along she's got these rogue gods that she's trying to do all this for and I'm just thinking, God, what an idiot.

She's just gonna get herself killed.

After screaming with this booming voice of anger, you hear a change of tone, almost like a pettiness.

I know what you're fighting for.

My mages heard you speaking to your sister.

I know about your alliance with Oberon.

Yeah.

Your allies were sent to illusions, demi-planes.

But this.

This is real.

These are the Beastlands.

The terms of your alliance are done.

Oberon is dead.

You see

more flames explode from around you.

Can I look around?

Is it really?

You rush to the edge of the forest here, choking because of all this hot air and you can't breathe the smoke.

You gasp.

You breathe in the fresh air as you get to a cliff's edge.

And as you gather yourself and look around, you see the floating island and on it you see the great tree is aflame.

You see more flames explode from the old tree.

Oberyn's face is gone, just dark and charred bark.

And in the smoke above, you see flashes of marigold as the fire licks the dark sky.

You've killed Oberyn?

to try to protect yourself from groomsch.

I can't believe what you've done.

What you've done is absolutely fucking catastrophic.

That poor fucking girl, I gestured to Mirigold.

What you've made her do,

you are a fucking monster.

Do what you fucking will.

I don't want to live in a world where you fucking win.

Callie go ahead and give me an intelligence saving throw with advantage.

15.

Okay, you see,

Marigold has like

glazed eyes.

Looks like she is definitely under some kind of charmed condition or something, but

shoots out and begins coming for you.

After the Fatebringer's turn, that is Saul's turn.

Oh.

Okay.

So I see Callie just disappear in one of these portals as well.

Yep, and you see there's a guy holding his hand out.

Yes, yes.

Hey, I think that's the guy doing it.

Oh, you're going down.

Let me know.

I'm concentrating on a delayed blast fireball.

I don't believe you.

Yeah, I'm just going to try and run over and kick him with both legs.

Okay.

Nat 20.

Yay!

Okay.

You want to do a stunning strike?

Yeah, I'll do a stunning strike on him.

I also got a 19 on my next attack, but I'll probably focus on the other mages.

Nat 2, he is stunned.

Callie

drops.

Callie

come out covered in smoke and shouting, Marigold!

Callie, what'd you see?

She's destroyed the Beastlands.

What?

She's.

She's gone to the Beastlands.

She's taken Marigold there, and they've destroyed the whole thing.

She wouldn't.

Obrun is gone.

Are you sure?

What about the Serpent Queen?

What about Frogson?

No, you're right.

Maybe it was an illusion.

I can't be sure.

Let's uh, Callie.

You see, as you say, maybe it was an illusion, you see Foster has his head hanging low.

Foster, is it true?

Is it true?

Foster.

God.

Well,

Obern's gone.

I think that really fucks things in a way.

We don't have time to dwell on that.

No, we don't.

No, we don't.

We don't.

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All right.

So, one guy's stunned.

Now, I'm going to kick you extra hard.

You aren't convinced on the pitch?

You have to do this for the greater good.

We have to unite.

We're all on the same side.

Listen to yourself.

This is just pure evil shit.

You're spewing.

You mean to go ahead and roll attacks, or should I save that for the end?

Yeah, go ahead and roll attacks if you want to stun.

There's only two other guys left.

Only two other fate bringers left.

Okay.

Really?

Oh, right, because you can keep stunning them.

Yeah.

stunning and gun him okay uh i got a 31 hits uh uh would 16 save no 18.

okay uh fails uh second guy is conked out okay uh i'm gonna go ahead and do a flurry of blows

uh that's gonna be a 30 and a uh 30 20.

uh hits okay uh so last guy i'll do

uh Jesus, natural four fails.

All three of the remaining mages are stunned right now.

So Saul's starting to sweat a little bit.

Okay, that's a lot.

After Saul's turn, that is Calliope's turn.

I'll just grab the gun.

Sweet.

You take the gun from Balnar.

You've got this giant Archebus.

Okay.

And you get advantage because they're all stunned.

Yeah.

I'll just go on a stunned one.

25.

25 hits.

Okay.

You fully take out another one.

They are restrained.

This net shoots out, wraps around them.

They collapse down and begin writhing, trying to get out.

And you hear Charbin, as he's swinging at you guys, trying to play whack-a-mole, looks down at these mages.

Come on, just wiggle harder, wiggle out.

Good lord.

We've gone fishing, and we've got your mages.

Dang, your wife's going to be pissed at you, man.

I don't care if my wife's pissed at me.

And I'm going to sleep in a bedroom so far away from her.

You don't even know that.

And then I'm going to use my bonus action to give, I think Calder's pretty low on health.

Can I give him a health potion?

Yeah, certainly.

Or do you want a bardic?

Do you want a bardic or a health potion?

Ooh, I get to choose.

Yeah.

Take a health potion.

I'm pretty hurt.

He'll take a health potion.

Okay, great.

After Callie's turn,

that is Kenna's turn.

Kenna is going to

lock and load the Archebus as an action.

And then is going to, we'll throw a Squire Inspiration at or actually you know what she'll use a bonus action help action that's one of her abilities nice uh for calder who's still not gone okay okay next is a mage stunned next is another mage

calder that is your turn kenneth tosses the gun to you gun me

i love playing past the pistol it's a 25

uh 25 hits uh you see annette goes around another one

restrained and collapses to the floor to make it extra insulting can we say that kenneth tossed me the gun gun?

I reached up, missed it, and it bounced on the floor and shot the mage.

Jarby just goes, what the actual fuck, guys.

I am your king.

Fight for your king.

Stand for your king.

Your king consort.

Or your consort king, we should know.

King, comma, consort.

No.

Consort, comma, king.

No.

Consort copy king, I think.

That is trash can's turn.

Trash can.

Trash can, now's your chance.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Is just rolling with Bear Lane, trying to fight.

I'll say they're just grappling each other, essentially.

That's Balnor's.

That's going to turn it to a hug.

Grappling with feelings.

Balnor will lock and load the Archibus for the last time

and then is going to toss it to

Saul.

This thing's big.

Yeah.

There's only one mage left that has not been netted.

You see, Charbin looks around.

Charbin's going to hold his action uh-oh bare lane is then going to you see her and trash can are still going at it so just pounding at each other swinging on the ground they're just in a full-on like wrestling match

um after bare lane's turn saul that is your turn okay so i just um i just like click this thing that takes the safety off okay or you could just drop it like cold a day

it was a bad throw it's actually my hands are a little short i'm gonna use my legs instead oh hell yeah yeah so you reach around it and you pull the trigger with your frog feet.

Go ahead and make an attack roll.

It looks so uncomfortable.

It's plus six to hit.

Okay.

With advantage?

You do have advantage.

All right, to the end of my turn.

Yeah.

You got yourself that advantage.

It's going to be

19.

19 hits.

Ah!

You restrain

the last mage.

You see

Net goes out, covers this last mage.

You see

Charbin

looks around at the scene, looks at you guys with like pure fury, and then

turns his hammer and

slams down and starts just blowing up these Fatebringer mages that are restrained.

Just

goes over and just whack-a-mole the restrained mages who scream out.

Get me that one spidget spinner.

Yeah.

They scream out and try to cast spells, try to cast like shields on themselves and stuff, but they are just lying there prone as you see Charbin goes over and just brutally executes them with his hammer.

Why S1 is dying?

I want to look in its eyes and say,

did you foresee this, Jovi?

And then I'm going to kiss the dying mage.

Damn!

Dangerously close to Charbin.

Yeah.

And then you see Charbin swings his hammer around and puts it over his shoulder and goes, ha ha, just as I had planned.

I just wanted to test your metal.

What?

Wait, really?

Okay, walk me through.

Walk me through.

What was your plan?

All right.

So I thought that...

Yeah.

If...

So Jovier came here as he's explaining, I'm going to go and take the hammer.

Okay.

He's absolutely not giving up his hammer.

Can I give a help action?

He has it on his shoulders.

You can try a sleight of hand check against his strength.

I'm going to give help action and a barding.

Okay.

I'm going to try to climb up his back and take his hammer.

So it's an extra D10 and an advantage.

He's absolutely going to roll this with advantage.

Okay.

He has a 26 to hang onto the hammer.

I'm going to still rebarp it.

Okay.

All right.

28.

Damn it.

Hold on to the hammer.

Okay.

So I have...

What's your bardick?

I have a 16.

It's a D10.

A D10?

16.

Oh, so we couldn't even.

Doesn't seem like that.

Okay, good.

So, yes, this hammer is your size.

So, Calder, you, Charbon is kind of stupid.

So you're just literally on his shoulder, just yanking at his hammer, and he doesn't notice.

And he goes like, haha, yes, it was my superior military mind.

I knew that you needed a man on the inside, so on its face, I agreed to the alliance with Jovir.

But of course, I realized that she would attempt to make me some sort of king consort or something and kind of sideline my plans for the Empire.

I knew that the future Empire really

would

best align itself with I think we have to let Bear Lane kick your ass.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I have to be honest.

Like, I actually am doing really good for spells, and I could keep going.

So, I'm just going to tell you right now, the Empire has zero chance.

It's not happening.

There, there's no giants being floated, and I'm willing to keep going.

Okay, go ahead and here's what I'll say: give me a persuasion check to Bear Lane for her to stop attacking Trash Can and to turn her fury on Amber Lord Sharpen.

It's a three plus plus 15, 18.

Okay.

Yeah.

You see, um, Bear Lane looks up from trash can and then looks up to Charbin and goes, You say you're not friends with those mages?

But you were talking to them like you were friends.

Yeah.

Um, and you see, she starts walking towards him, and Charbin kind of starts walking back.

Um, and Berlane's just gonna run up and take fucking three cracks on him on her three attacks.

Did not roll below a 17, so she hits him

three times

for 70 damage.

Yes.

And you see Charbin is hardy as fuck, but can't take too many more of those.

And just goes, wait, wait,

do you have no diplomacy?

Are you barbarian?

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I'm going to walk away.

If you guys want to be diplomatic with this guy, that is fine with me.

I just, I can't be here to finagle that.

Let's negotiate your full surrender.

I'm fine with doing that.

Full surrender?

Yeah.

Yeah, fine.

I will never surrender.

Man, there's a long time.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Hit him again.

You see, at initiative 20 of this round, Honeysuckle bursts into the room.

And

you see, yeah, Charbin yells, guards to me.

You see, guards finally start pouring in from the tunnels.

As they pour in, Honeysuckle emerges and swallows them as a hole just disappears under them.

And Charbin just goes,

Okay.

Full surrender, yeah.

Yeah.

Somewhat of a surrender.

I get you, um, I can still call my Legion the Empire.

No, we need, actually, we need you to pledge yourself to a Coralil.

Yeah,

yeah.

Head to the number one term.

Berlin's gonna take three more times.

Now you become a vassal of a Coralil.

Berlin hits three more times.

Can I take some attacks?

Yes, go on.

Berlane does 62 damage.

I'm gonna kick him just for the hell of it.

Okay,

I'm going to.

I think I only hit once, but I will do.

I have one fifth level spell left, so I'll turn that into a fourth level smite.

Yeah, should we just deliver him unconscious to a Corlil?

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to attack too.

This man.

Great.

You guys just.

You see, Honeysuckle circles the wagons, just makes a full, like, armored circle around you guys.

So fire elementals are just like running and dispersing as they hit his scales.

I mean, you guys, and Balnor, and Kenna, and Berlane are just beating the shit out of Charbin.

Can I summon in Licorice to beat him up too?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, right there.

Uh-huh.

35 damage.

You see, Charbin is now, Charbin is straight up at like 25 life at this point.

He goes, I'll do whatever you want.

It's just, you're not.

It'll be the water empire.

I don't care.

You're just not.

I don't care about puns anymore.

You're not consort material, man.

Dude, yeah, I'll be the consort.

I'll be your consort.

I don't give a shit.

I don't give a fucking shit anymore.

Please don't kill me, okay?

What do you want from me?

Do you want me to be a water guy now?

Drink water.

You see, he starts jugging down water with just such a look of disgust on his face as steam just starts coming off of him.

Do you want me to drink more?

Do you want me to drink piss?

Do you want me to drink piss?

I think there's like a form of humility that you could adopt that was less controlling.

I see he starts pissing into a bucket.

I didn't ask you to do that.

There's a lot of clams full of piss that you can drink.

I'll drink piss.

You're doing that voluntarily.

I did it.

I drank piss.

I did what you wanted.

We didn't tell you to do it.

What more do you want?

We didn't ask you to do it.

Drink piss.

We wanted to

give some more piss.

Now, I think you like it.

I think you like it.

I want you to admit that you like it.

I love it.

Drink more piss.

I'll say whatever you want.

No, I want you to say what.

I want to say what you want.

I want to drink more piss.

Can I drink more piss?

Yes.

Okay.

Knock yourself out.

Hey, you found your hobby.

If you love it so much.

Can we like call a Coralil?

Yeah.

Say, come get your man.

Yeah.

You can squire for Brian Splooge.

Yeah.

I know that this feels really bad, but I think it's actually going to be good for you.

Drinking piss?

No, no, no.

Sort of like the ego death that you might be experiencing.

That has nothing to do with the piss drinking is you.

The piss?

That was elective.

That was honorable.

I'm not the emperor emperor anymore.

I'm just the piss drinker Charbin.

Okay, again, that's Yochin.

You'll be Sir Brian Splooge's piss boy.

Whoever Sir Brian Splooge is, I'm his piss boy.

Okay.

This could be the first article for the Peregrine Post.

Lord Charbin becomes piss drinker Charbin.

It's an explosive scoop.

It should be piss drinker consort, right?

Oh, yeah, that's good.

You see, you hear

Charbin yells out with a bellowing but shaky voice and goes, stop fighting.

Stop trying to kill the serpent!

We're pissed boys now!

You know what?

Actually, you know what your empire should do is that it can be really good for preventing wildfires to do controlled burns.

You need to dedicate your empire to

be in charge of controlled burns that help nature flourish.

Yeah, you can sit up at a fire watch tower and drink all the piss you want.

And yeah, and you can also drink piss, but that's like,

again, that's a you thing, that's you choosing.

Okay, well, I guess if I had to drink piss in a tower,

you could say that the controlled wildfires to stop wildfires, whereas a wildfire is sort of chaotic.

The M-fire will bring order

to the wildfires.

A natural order.

Yeah,

or you guys could also just be in charge of hearths.

So bringing people together, like around, like you guys could go to the winter court and like make sure that the hearths stay nice and toasty and keep people gathering and feeling hope even in the dead of winter.

I agree to the terms of your alliance.

Shall we drink to it?

Not that.

See, he gathers up a bunch of the fire elementals nearby and he goes, I have decided in the infinite wisdom of the Empire that we have lost our way.

The purpose of fire is to keep our friends warm.

Can I do an inside check?

If he is sincerely feeling this,

I got a $19.

Can you pay for an inside check?

For an inside check, I don't know what I asked.

He knows.

Okay, so here's the deal.

Plus two, so 21.

He has such a huge ego that he's almost like a positivity influencer now.

I mean, with the piss drinking, yeah.

Yeah, so he, also, the piss drinking.

Yeah.

So you think that he he is not like a sincerely changed person, but he does mean it

in that

he has he has turned his

ambitions down this path and is going to run down it.

There you go.

And you know what?

A chloral ale can supply you with all the water you need to drink so that you can maintain your piss and also keep the fires in check.

And you know,

water and fire.

What about him?

Yeah.

Continue.

You know, you need them both.

Okay.

Too true.

I hold up a drink to cheers me.

Cheers you with a frothy glass of piss.

Oh, it's good to drink piss with your friends.

Never thought I'd be drinking piss with an elf.

I cannot wait to tell Jovia that she tried to marry this man.

Fowler goes, How about drinking piss with a friend?

Yeah.

Balbo does not drink piss.

That's fair.

I wish I'm probably just going to have a beer.

Yeah, I'm not drinking piss.

Yeah, I don't know this guy's deal, but he seems harmless now.

Yeah.

To a certain degree.

I think he needs to be watched constantly, but yes.

So you see his ego is satiated.

You hear the fighting kind of stops, but there is this tension in the room as you see

Trash Can

stands up and sort of faces Bear Lane.

Bear Lane just looks around at all of you guys and goes, I'm not working with you if you're working with him.

Points up at Trash Can.

Trash Can?

Yeah.

Well, hey, Bear Lane.

You got to understand.

Trash Can is tied to our directive.

He's not acting the way he should.

The best thing we can do to help Trash Can is to free him.

We gotta break these crowns, and the Trash Can can make Trash Can's own decisions.

Don't you want him to be free?

Isn't that what you want more than anything?

For people to be free to make their own decisions, to run havoc over the hills and scream and clobber goats and trees and whatnot?

Go ahead and give me a persuasion.

I look at Saul and I'm like, that was a really good guess.

Do you see why Brun Lane likes Saul?

Go ahead and give me a persuasion check with advantage, and I'll let you use your proficiency.

Ooh, can I say that she like picks me up and like just squishes me into her forehead?

Yeah, she's just looking at you intensely as she really tries to think through this because she's never done diplomacy before.

Okay.

Diplomacy so that we can fight more down the line.

That's interesting.

She thinks about it.

Do you remember when you were bound in the ice?

Trash can is still bound.

He's still bound to a previous life.

And you can send him through, you can break him out of that ice, and then you guys can do whatever you want.

You can, I don't know, you can like go to amusement parts and just like pick people out of the rides and throw them around.

I don't know about that.

Well,

that doesn't sound funny.

I've never thought about doing that, but.

Can I ask you, do you hunt?

Yes.

Have you ever been to the Beastlands?

Long time ago, yeah.

It's one hunter short of what it needs.

I see she nods.

Go ahead and give me your persuasion check, Saul.

Back to 23.

You see,

she

looks at a trash can.

She's had this mind-melt moment with Saul where she's trying to figure this out, holding you close to her.

And then just goes, Right.

We have to take all this rage and put it in the right direction towards destroying these damn crowns.

That's right.

And you see Trash Can gestures towards you and goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

And Saul, you understand that to be Trash Can explaining that he has to follow this last command,

but he wants to be, he would like to be friends after.

Bear Lane seems to just kind of inherently kind of understand the tone of what he's saying.

And you see, Bearlane brings him in for a hug, and she goes, We'll get you a crown right before we crush it.

And you realize that that would satisfy the terms of the command.

Is if the automatons were to have the crown for even a moment, that would satisfy the command.

They don't need to hold on to it or do anything with it.

They simply need to get it.

That makes sense to Trash Can.

You see, with a renewed sense of purpose.

Trash Can nods and then turns to you guys as if following your orders or directive.

And the fire elementals do as well.

And Charbin puts his arms around you guys, puts his arms around their leg.

Oh, your breath breaks out.

Yeah.

That's hot piss right there is what that is.

Do not burp.

Do not burp, near me.

I'll try not to, but

it's hard not to when you're hanging out with your friends around fire.

It's easy.

It brings people together.

It warms people.

We need to warm up.

It warms our food.

Yeah, you're right.

It warms our food.

Fire brings fire brings.

Spread seeds.

I reluctantly nuzzle in close to try to affirm this.

Alright, well, I've got some ships.

I can

send them along with the fire elementals and automatons.

Yeah.

The fire elementals because it's a great fiery serpent.

That's right.

Right, yes.

I did get some information from Queen Jovir while I was

spying on her.

You're too good for her, man.

Yes, I know, of course.

I denied it instantly.

I knew I was way too much of a

just tell us what she said.

The thing is, I'm too high value, if that makes sense, all right?

And people don't appreciate that.

The coronation is going to be in a little over 24 hours, I believe.

As a new dawn comes in, so too will a new dawn

shine on what would have been the empire she's just she's so good at optics yeah uh and i i think she plans on doing the public execution slash coronation where she's going to combine the crowns i think i i didn't realize that the rogue gods were such a threat to I mean, I know we met hard one.

Sorry, Causey, you weren't here.

Who is that again?

Yeah, who is it?

Who is is that?

He's like this like from the Fae Wild.

He was like basically like just like a rap scallion.

Oh, one of the guys who pulled up all the songs.

Pulled up all the trolls.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

A scourge.

Yeah.

Right.

But I.

Pretty handy with a hammer.

I guess I knew, but it's so distant that I hadn't really thought of it.

I think that Jovira was just...

doing what she does best and stoking our fears.

I don't know.

I believe her that Grumps is out there and he's coming.

And I think she probably even believes herself to some degree because it makes her all important

and whatnot.

I think that, like, her view of the future is warped by her wants and desires.

Yeah.

We got to take everything she says with a grain of salt, but maybe we should try and get a word out to, you know, the Astral Alliance, but I'm sure they've got it in hand.

You see, Kenna steps up and goes, She might have been telling the truth to a certain extent, but even if she sees a way of quote-unquote saving the world, it seems like the world that she'd have in mind probably wouldn't be worth saving.

That's how I felt.

Yeah.

I think I'm going to take Foster in my arms, though, and say, I do think she was telling the truth about the beast then, though.

What does that mean?

I think it's been scorched.

If Oberon's gone.

You see, yeah,

Foster looks really sad.

See, Foster's nuzzling into you.

I mean, Oberon, it wasn't like, it wasn't like any of us were like, oh my God, you should be.

I mean,

Oberyn was weird, right?

Totally.

Yeah.

But he was represented.

Yeah, he was a strange guy.

He was strange.

But like, he represented sort of like a raw power that had a hand in creating this world.

And so I feel...

feel sad that Foster's sad and I feel scared about the Serpent Queen.

Oberon's prophecy can still come true.

Yeah.

I mean yeah.

But the deal for your

for your brother's soul.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Well, sorry.

No, no, no.

I wasn't saying I know, to be short.

I just was.

I think I...

I'm trying to just put that aside for now because that's not the most pressing thing at hand.

Right.

We should focus on the things he planted and help them grow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I'm sorry, Kelly.

No, I mean, look, I'm not I'm not trying to bring up the stuff about my mother.

I'm just saying, like, it's just such a tragedy.

The Beastlands was really quite exciting and fun and strange.

She said that it's

been lit on fire.

You see, Balnor

puts a hand on your shoulder and goes,

well, I know

Bobby's got a plan for bringing back Queen Cyrilla.

I wouldn't be surprised if,

you see, he starts tearing up with pride and he goes, if my little guy could figure out a way to make the Beastlands green.

Because that's what the Green Knights do.

Gosh dang it.

Yeah.

Whoa, language.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you feel like every time you talk, it's like I'm being wrapped in just warm denim.

That's the dungarees I gave you.

They're on fire.

Yeah, you see Kenna starts getting you guys loaded up, starts packs up like the Archebus and stuff.

You see that the Fatebringers have been defeated.

You see the fire elementals are now aligned with you because Charbin's aligned with you.

Outside of the castle, the automatons begin getting in line with Trash Can and Bare Lane.

And the fire elementals begin loading up onto ships.

You see they have essentially like a navy and are beginning to set out.

And Charbin goes, We'll head for the

winter court, just as I had planned.

We'll strike.

We'll strike just before dawn.

Is Jovira expecting you in any way for like, I don't know, a consort ceremony?

Well, of course, yes, of course.

I was going to be Chad Chikeri.

She's expecting me.

I was, of course, going to be an important part of the coronation.

Yes.

Okay.

Can I do an inside of this truth?

Yes.

Six.

He's lying.

You could just say he's

anything but a one.

He's lying.

Yeah.

Okay.

Where were you invited to arrive?

It was at Wintercourt Castle.

They were going to burn down all the trees and sort of make like a red carpet of ash.

Real quick, you hesitated for such a long time before you started talking.

Right, because I was forgetting if it was a blood-red carpet that had fire decals on it or if it was ash.

And I'm remembering now that it was ash.

Why do they want to burn down all the trees and make a carpet of ash?

Well it's just because I requested that and as the kids were.

Okay, so that was you.

It was me yes.

And they're gonna give you that or they're gonna give you like a parking pass and you have to like park in the back?

Of course I would never park in the back so that wouldn't make any sense.

So given the sort of self-work we just went through,

now what would you like to do?

Okay.

Do you still want to burn down all the trees and make a carpet of ash?

Well, of course not not, because

what I would like to do is just for all of us to gather around a bonfire and drink piss together.

It almost sounds good.

It almost sounds good.

Can the fish be like symbolic, maybe?

Like, does it have to be pissed?

You can drink whatever kind of piss you want.

What?

Okay.

Yes.

Yeah.

I have to give it to him.

Yeah, I can't.

It's a beautiful future.

It is kind of a beautiful future, isn't it?

And also because water and fire are both equally important.

I've seen that now.

Really, I've I've always known that

and so he's gotten better at lying we will we will ride our iron fleet of fiery ships through the water

you see they are kind of poorly built okay

we won't count on any aspect of you helping I think that's where we're all at yeah but thank you you just get there when you get there yeah you just get there and you keep this hope in your heart like this new sort of North Star that you've given yourself which is uh gathering around the fire and drinking piss.

You just keep that flame burning bright.

I do think that if you want to like make like a big dramatic entrance and say that you and Jovir are done and you're splitting and like really try and draw some attention.

I could kind of make it about me.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

That's really great.

I think this is an excellent plan.

Do you think you could make it like really messy?

Is that within your wheelhouse?

Yes.

The coronation's all about you.

Can we actually send someone to sort of document the whole thing?

Because it's going to be a great first issue of Peregrine Post.

Absolutely.

That's true.

Okay.

Excellent.

Yeah, you see one random green knight just goes, I guess I could go with him.

Have you done journalism?

I was a journalism student, but then ended up kind of pivoting and changing my major the last section.

What did you change it to?

I thought journalism was a little unrealistic, so I changed it to

blogging.

Isn't that kind of like,

you know, aligned with journalism in a way?

It's pretty close, but I do like more lifestyle blogging.

I see, okay.

Actually, this is a perfect combination.

Yeah, this is actually, yeah, this is pretty interesting.

I'd like to see his work.

Can we do a deep dive on the potential health benefits of piss?

This works because I'm a positivity influencer now, so you could sort of be help me with the content creation.

And you see this green knight looks excited.

And you see the other green knights look excited to have this guy off the ship.

Bounder goes, that guy was a pill.

Okay.

You'd just be like hanging out, and he'd always have his phone out videoing you.

Can we just be

here?

Can we just be here right now?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, well, no, he'll be there.

Yeah, so I think they've got a good thing going between the two of them.

Yeah, synergy.

Yeah, you see, they start really hitting it off.

You worry that they might not show up to the battle because they're so excited.

But you see the authors making content.

Make a web series.

You see, Kenna

kind of scratches her chin and goes, you know, if Roland Charbin is going out into the water and we don't give Akorilil a heads up, she's probably going to kill him.

Yeah, so I had said, can we get a message out?

Okay, you want to get a message.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

You see, Kenna pulls out a little transmitter and relays that message to get a message out to Akorilil that says that Charbin has been won over.

I'm sorry, was that like, did that eat up all of your minutes?

That message?

Are you good?

No,

we, we could send more messages.

In fact, I was gonna call Garash real quick to say that we need the wind.

Yeah, we don't have like a company card or anything.

I just wanted to make sure.

No, I need uh, well, we're we're putting it on the company card.

The Peregrine postcard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it is a write-off.

You see, uh, Kenna calls uh Garash and uh lets him know that you guys are ready to head back.

Uh, you guys get on to your serpents.

Uh, you see, uh, uh, Foster nuzzles into you, Callie, as you guys fly.

Looks really sad.

I think I'll just say, Foster, you lost your daddy, and I think I might have actually lost my mom

for good this time.

But we've still got each other.

Nuzzles into you.

And you feel a warmth around him.

You see the automatons begin, they kind of are like transformers.

There are these very like analog machines.

So you do see some of them take on like a floating mode and just begin like floating through the water whoa kind of following you guys you feel garasha's magic on the wind um and you guys begin being pulled back towards garasha's castle and as you guys are flying over the continent here you see abandoned towns and villages abandoned castles everyone has left to fight for one side or the other or they've gone into hiding and eventually you leave the southern continent and are over the water again.

It is an oddly calm ride for a while.

It takes a long time.

It takes like half a day for you to get there.

You're like, you show up in the dead of night at like three or four in the morning, and you see Garash's castle.

You see...

Airships have pulled up.

It looks like the other green knights, like the young stag, has called the banners to Garash.

Garash has used his power to bring them all together.

You see that your Feywild allies have gathered here.

There are dozens of airships filled with green knights and aligned houses from the Seeley Court.

They prepare with members of Mob Goblin.

You see Balnor gives you guys a little salute and then goes over and joins the young stag who is getting his troops into gear.

And meanwhile, Garash rushes over to you and goes, Well done.

You've secured the green knight.

You've got the fire elementals on our side and the automatons.

Yeah, yeah, well, well, it took some doing.

But, you know, we need everyone we can get.

Yeah, who have you gathered?

Yeah.

You see,

gestures around and goes, we have a solid force here.

We have the members of Mob Goblin.

We have Green Knights in several houses of the Seeley Courts that have come out of hiding to support us.

We've received word from your allies on the material plane.

I can't use enough magic to bring all of them here,

but they're going to travel by their own means and get as close as they can to Planar Rifts on the material plane, and then they will travel on the wind, and I will bring them into the fight as they arrive.

Amazing.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Then, of course, we've got a Coralil, we've got Stone Commander Basalt von Schale, and we've received word from the court with no crowns.

Their spies at the winter court have alerted us that the coronation is happening basically 24 hours from now.

Yeah, gestures to the sky.

You see that the sun is beginning to rise on like a new day.

Jovia will

kill Syrah and declare herself high queen of the Fae Wild as the sun rises on a new Fae Empire.

Thousands of warriors have gathered to support her, and thousands of common folk will be attendants, millions will be watching via the projections we have no choice but to fight her head-on

I think that like first things first before the coronation I think we need to try to bust out Marigold

Garash shrugs his shoulders and goes

I think Marigold's fate will be decided on the battlefield you'll be able to arrive shortly before the ceremony begins okay

then I guess that's that I think, is there someone controlling Marigold or is she fully charmed?

I'm just wondering if we can break the concentration of a ritual or something.

I believe that might be possible when you are confronted with her.

Okay.

Okay.

Then I think, is there anything else we need to discuss?

Or should we just go to bed and get ready to fight?

Yes, there's one more thing.

Calder, give your fidget spinner to Albin.

No, I forgot.

I owe it to me.

You see,

Alvin is over near you.

I Calder turns away.

I didn't pick up the fidget spinner.

I left it at the battlefield.

I'm going to give you a bardic and say, yeah, I also, I don't think Calder picked up the fidget spinner.

I wanted to, and I forgot to grab it.

Yeah, actually, that's so annoying that we forgot that.

Go ahead and give me a

persuasion check or deception check.

17 for Calliope.

You have a D10 of bardic inspiration to lie.

I actually, I got probably the best time Nat 20 of all time.

Wow!

All right, you see, um,

Albin, Albin goes over and gets in your face, Sol, and goes, Why would you lie to me

on the eve of battle?

I have all these things that I'm stressed about, and I thought maybe I could have something to kind of work some of this out.

I could have stopped.

And I pull it out from under me.

Pick up a fidget spinner.

Because why would you?

We might never see each other again.

We might die on the battlefield tomorrow.

You're right.

You know what?

That was tacky.

You're my oldest friend.

Albin.

My oldest friend.

Albin.

I'll be your fidget spinner, okay?

All right.

You see, takes you and holds you and then just randomly shakes you as he thinks about the fight tomorrow.

Is this better?

Is it working?

It is kind of working.

All right.

Albin.

Albin.

Yes.

I have something for you.

Calder digs deep in his pocket and pulls out his middle finger.

Yeah!

You see,

Albin is going to cast command on you.

Go ahead and give me a wisdom-saving throw.

No.

I'll give you another bow bardic

okay

i got an 11 okay that's a fail i'll use my bardic

that's a 10 on my bardic that's a 21.

okay

he was gonna command you to throw your boots off of cloud city

uh but you resist that urge and he points at you and he goes I will make you do something embarrassing with your boots.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and you could just live thinking about that.

And Alvin walks away.

Calder says, ooh, I'm so scared, but then actually is kind of scared.

He's ready for battle.

And you see, Garash gathers you all close together and goes, all right, everyone, get some rest.

Tomorrow, we decide the fate of the realm.

And that's where we'll end our session.

Whoa, man.

We are all set up for our final battle.

What a fun, fun epi.

I can't wait.

What are you cooking, sir?

Tell me.

Show me your nose.

You know, it was.

See your nose.

I didn't expect you guys to, like, before Charbin was that hurt, I wasn't expecting you guys to take out all of the Fate Bringers.

And I kind of decided last minute, I was like, Charbin's not going to die for this.

He's not going to die for anything.

I love Charbin.

Just my favorite character.

I like his turn into a positivity influencer.

It's so important.

Piss drinking positivity.

It's so important to drink piss.

He'll turn to save his life.

Yeah.

You can check out us talking more about this over on our Patreon, patreon.com/slash nadpod.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

Don't sing yet.

Don't sing yet.

Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug?

I have some P.O.

box stuff I want to shout out real quick.

Two things.

Number one, Featherbone from Featherbone Studio sent us some really cute illustrated postcards and bumper stickers.

They've got possums and other critters on them.

They're really cool.

I love a postcard.

I love sending my friends' mail, but not having a right to think that much.

Oh, yeah.

And then also, Maggie and Shel B, aka Kenneth's first favorite sprite girl, sent us Grinch hot sauce.

Oh my God.

I cannot wait to break into that.

It looks ransom.

I do love green hot sauce.

Apparently when Maggie was checking out of the store, the person at the register laughed and said, oh my God, why would you buy this?

I love an item being so bad that someone would risk their job.

You never want to hear that.

Someone risk their job.

So funny.

That's awesome.

Maybe for a mixed bag, we should try all the Grinch ones.

Oh, yeah.

I think whenever you get a nat one, you got to drink it.

Grinch ones?

Oh, Grinch Ones.

Terrible.

Fucking terrible.

I love it.

Yeah, we'll do Grinch ones at some point.

We'll interview each other while eating Grinch hot sauce.

Yeah.

I can't wait.

I love it.

All right, yeah.

Be on the lookout for Grinch Ones.

We got some live shows coming up for Dimension 20 that me and Emily will be at.

So be on the lookout for that next year in 2025.

I say next year, but in the next few months,

we're going to be at Hollywood Bowl.

We're going to be in Seattle and we're going to be in Vegas.

So be on the lookout for those.

And you can follow us on social media that may or may not use at GH vs Me, at Calde's Caldwell, at Axewards Emily, and at J Go which is Jake.

And you can talk about the show online, not on Twitter, using hashtag MadPod.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

We are, we are the youth of the nation.

We are, we are, the youth of the nation.

It's the end of our penultimate episode, and you know what that means?

It's time to shout out our benevolent council of elders, starting with Brad D., Jeffrey S., Lord of the Fjord, later Mixgator, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle, the Dastardly Day, Beardman Dan Carpe Liam Bryant Victor T Balnor's Boy Huit's Friend Justin I Danny Danster TJM Trele the Crayfei Christopher B Danielle R Jordan L Cyborg Version of Josh the Cobald Targot Stevie Wags Hellish Rebuker PhD Princess Yar

Jory S Rachel from Animorphs Jack L Nicholas C star of Every Film Ever Made in Bahumia.

Mike H.

Elka Schmeltzer Plus.

Great Value.

Gemma.

Tyler F.

Heratrian.

Carborough Chapel Hill.

FPV.

Rex Saniel the White.

Cece Lulu.

Old Cobb's Dunkel.

Older Burn.

Herku Poro.

So Habit Folk Detective.

Timmy R.

Reiko.

Calder.

Cums Cold.

Shout out to the Cold Companions.

Frosty Facial.

Taylor B.

Maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way.

Cass, Strong, Grinch, Steven, can Rage last for four years?

C,

Mike K, Nick W.

William W.

Big Bat Beard of the Mad, Eric McD, Ananorama, Percival Frederick, Stein, von Mussel, Klausowski, DeRolo III, Dre Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, honoring the cock,

Dolores Wiggle, Ben A.

Dave H, Dustin S.

Danny F.

Hawkeye Pierce, Bookfar's Assistant, Izzy F, Big Bat John, DPC is awesome, hashtag honor the cock, Shone the shade tree, mechanic of Zeldar, Summer Rose Grand Terre, Cat C, Misa of House and Zunza, Ariel the occasional mermaid, Selena and Valacey Raptor, B.

Perky, always

Pat L.

Maxwell J.

Lauren H.

Serve 16.

Annie the Fay Wild Therapist.

Connor S.

Salil.

BioQuirt 7.

Amber Dextrous.

Bean Rat Was Innocent.

Trub Hop Dropper.

Jack H.

King of the Mole People.

Under Iron Deep.

Dressed in blue.

And finding his way through a bracket style.

Tournament.

Valen, Paj the Bitch and Bunny Bard.

Carlin C.

Noah the Bullywug Boy Hashtag Honor the Cuck James G Everything Bago the Eladrin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripey Daddy Master Dandy Reverend Chatterbones Han Eric B Marcos Learns the Balance Druid Frida M Pagos Self-Proclaimed Fae King now with real musical improv action Maggie Holly the green laughing hyena finally caught up to the duck team Akash the car Cal just Cal.

Aaron Begwellyn.

Russell H.

A monk named Dilgo.

Cody C.

Lorelei the succubi and Kira the succulent snack.

McKenna Stout.

Your friendly neighborhood yaunt and yunkle.

Andrew and Sid.

John Adams didn't win the vote but won your heart.

Meg the mail carrier of Bahumia.

James F.

Austin S.

Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls.

Get rid of them turned page 42.

keep them turned to page 69.

Shane C, Burpo, Good Barrel Barbarian, Welshlander, Garrett G, one big curd, Renee, the monster captain, Box Clifton, Olivia the Enchanting Bard, and Jared the Soap Opera Cleric, who are playing Stick It to the Man Down with a Monarchy, Winter Slade, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Damon, Jay, Anthony the Raddest of Dudes, J.

The fairies say, Caw Caw, congratulations to Susanna and Caldwell on their new baby.

Kentuck Dumbledore, the bare onesie-wearing barbarian, Lexi H.

Roger L.

Nodrog, the pass-a-fist barbarian, Gino T, John Luca, Tristan, the talentless honk, Leon Komori, legendary hero of Bahumia from a future campaign, shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S., Alexander, Linz W, Johnny Dude Dude K.

Pavo Eskinar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile.

Tim M.

A cat napping in a sunbeam, listening to a podcast.

M.

L.

G.

Cheeto.

Shell B.

Cana's first favorite sprite girl.

Loved returning to the multiverse of Maveris.

Happy August to all and to all a good tug.

Jackson R.

Snailess, who's infecting Worcester

for within.

I'm sure I said that right.

Captain Morgan, Pirate Wizard, Papa Sky Days, Mima Sky Days, Megan N.

Anthony B, Savannah H.

Balnor's friend, Steve, Stephanie of House in Zunza, Benjamin A.

Gimli the Corgi, Papa and Foster's canine friend, Michael A.

Josh Hole, pilot of the nightmare-verse flight, Frokey, the two crew blew through,

Jennery, Ethan the mailman.

We got another mail person on here.

Maple the shy bookworm, Ashosaurus, Seth E., Billy Batson, Alternate Universe, Emily Anna Lee, Hatchetworth.

Okay, I could see that.

Axe Hatchet.

Michael Lyle S.

II, Jacob the Purveyor of Shananigans.

Carl B.

Plumber of the Realm.

Dex Riddlewell.

Hannah A.

Ra.

Ace Dreggs, High Lord of Critzburg.

Darius D, the guy from That One Thing Troy's Mom, Vin Diagram, Chike C T Hee Tee Hee, Calamilius the Consumed, Bard of Holding, Clinton P, Grinchful Cam, the Grinch Frog Man, Dean, Jake W.

High Mom,

Tuesday Cross, the choose your own adventure writer, not the porn star, Steve L.

Alex G, Zibita Backery, Nicole, Katarina C, and finally, Lady Jacqueline P of Castle Whitestone.

Thank you all so much for supporting what we do.

We are having a blast, and thank you for joining us for the ride.

Goodbye, sweeties.

That was a head gum podcast.