C3 Ep. 70: Deer Old Dad (A Faerie Tale Ending)

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Welcome to the Campaign After the Campaign.

This is not another D ⁇ D podcast.

Welcome back to Bahumia, everybody.

I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz.

Ready to make the ground shake in an earthquake.

Calder Kilgo.

Wow, three rhymes.

Whoa, a new record.

Three rhymes that you didn't use, snake, which is really impressive.

You saved that for the rest of us.

It's Jake the Snake.

You're on a snake.

Yeah.

And that's copywritten, dude.

That's trademarking.

Really?

I thought it was parallel thinking.

Really?

It's from a wrestler from the 1980s and 70s.

And then, of course, we've got Emily Oxford.

Meteor witch and serpent bitch.

It's the bio pitch and cool.

I was going to say serpent bitch.

Say it.

Say it.

There's so many times.

It's great right on his notebook there.

There's so many times that Jake says something, and I just also do it because I like it.

Yeah, well, what is Jake the snake if not a serpent bitch?

Yes, that's so true.

Too true.

So true.

And then, of course, we've got Cobaltaner.

Ooh, predicting the weather to make things better.

And also, I'm wearing pants that are pleather.

That's right.

It's Saul Buffo.

Making a fashion choice.

Not going to give him credit on the three rhymes.

No.

That was three great rhymes.

I serve at your plethora.

Yeah.

With that, let's go ahead and do a little recap.

Yes.

Last time you returned to Garasha's castle in the sky with full-grown serpents in tow.

He offered you a quick ride on the wind to either help the green knights of the summer court or travel to the autumn court to deal with the automatons and charbon.

You chose the summer court and arrived that night to a castle besieged by thousands of Winter Court soldiers.

Upon seeing the serpents, war horns went up and shouts of the beasts rang through the air.

Callie struck first, jumping off the back of Honeysuckle and onto the siege equipment like a star-fire meteor falling from the sky.

Saul sent licorice to defend the castle wall, then dove into battling legions of archers.

Calder and Honeysuckle attacked the cavalry, causing a huge earthquake that reshaped the battlefield.

But despite your individual successes, the battle took an ugly turn as the Green Knights failed to rally at the end of the first round and the castle wall took serious damage.

The enemy infantry continued to climb the walls and blast at the gates with battering rams while you and the serpents whittled away at the opposing legions.

Finally, the green knights began to gain some ground and rallied around someone going by the name the young stag.

Young stag.

The young stag.

Even as you took out legion upon legion, the infantry and archers managed to nearly topple the the wall, doing dozens of attacks each turn.

Callie was down to her last smites.

Saw was being kept up purely by temp HP, stolen from downed combatants, and Calder was being pecked by Wiverns.

Pecked to death.

Which I forgot about a few times.

And then tragedy struck as a dentist was killed on the battlefield.

Don't make me relive it.

Who then gave Calder a veneer as his last act of heroic dentistry.

The knights rallied, boosting just enough defense of the wall that they weathered another round of attacks, and you were able to chase off the last legion.

As you and the knights celebrated, you were approached by the young stag himself, who introduced himself as Robert.

He said that any enemy of Jouvere was a friend of his and shook your hand.

His father introduced himself as a terrible pun offshoot of the young stag, dear old dad, and you met Balnor.

Yes.

And that's where we are now.

I didn't catch it.

I'm still laughing about the pun, by the way.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, young Stack.

Dear old dad, what do we think?

What do we think?

You seem great.

We think it's great.

We think it's awesome.

Especially after this incredible siege in which it looked like chances were lost.

You still have your sense of humor and tactics.

Hey, you know what?

I credit it to Barbaduke and Garfield,

my two fabes.

Holy shit.

You're a Marma man like me?

Of course.

Born and bred.

Pats his chest.

You see, Robert just rubs his eyeballs and goes, please stop, father.

And you see Robert looks up at you guys and goes, take a moment, enjoy some revelry.

And when you're ready, meet me inside and we can speak about your plans.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah, that seems good.

I would like one or two revelries, though.

We can like, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

I'll follow you.

I'll take this new vineyard for a spin.

Take one to three revelries.

Ooh, okay.

I think, well, I'll go with two.

Three seems greedy.

Yeah.

We just got here.

Whatever you want.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And maybe.

Let's start with one revelry and see where it goes.

I like that idea, yeah.

We would love some

goats for our snakes.

Do they need to eat now that they're corporeal?

I don't know.

Honeysuckle.

Higric.

Honeysuckle usually likes rocks.

Does he really need a goat right now?

Migrish.

Yeah, do we really want to be setting up that we're sacrificing goats to these great beasts?

You do see that they are still feasting on enemy winter court knights.

Oh,

they're going to be so full.

Yeah, they look full.

They look pretty cool.

We're going to have to rub those of these later.

That's efficient.

You see Robert and a few green knights that look close to him walk into the castle, and you see Balinor leans in and goes, sorry he's been so serious, but, you know, we spent a lot of time in the pokey, so things are pretty grim around here.

What's the pokey?

The what?

The pokey.

Like the hokey pokey?

Where you turn yourself around?

Well, yeah, I would say my whole life got turned around.

Yeah, for sure.

Like the one from Matilda?

What's the pokey to you?

It's like a dungeon.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Really?

They put you in the dungeon?

Yeah, we were in the dungeons for a while.

Okay, fill us in.

What has been going on?

Because actually,

we found one of yours.

Is that right?

Yeah, one of the Green Knights.

Yeah, we found the remains of

the hair.

Oh, geez.

You see, Balnor gets you see completely inappropriately in the background, an impromptu party breaks out.

Knights start like rolling out kegs of ale.

They start setting up bonfires and shooting off like cantrip fireworks.

And you see, somebody comes up and starts patting Balnor on the back and like screaming in his face.

He goes, Give me a minute, give me a second, all right?

Give me a second.

Just like pushes a guy off violently.

Hold off on the realm, revelry.

Yeah, no, they can do it.

We can hold the contradiction for it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so yeah, you see Licorice and Honeysuckle are drawing like a lot of attention.

There's a lot of people going up to them and approaching them and like touching their scales and looking up at them in wonder.

And there's all this cheering and everything going on in the background.

But you see, Balnor looks deep, deeply saddened by hearing about True Hair and goes,

Yeah, that was

one of the few guys that was that was on our side.

He was uh

really solid.

He'd give you the uh

shirt off his back, you know?

You know how you wear like shirts and stuff under your armor and everything.

Tank and cups.

Of course, yeah.

Excuse me.

Cut from his cup.

You're gambison, yeah.

I guess, you know, I don't know what they call it in the Fay Wild, but yeah, like a

tank and a cup.

A tank and a cup.

Right.

Okay, yeah.

You know, it takes all kinds.

He'd give you the cup off his nuts.

Balnor cracks a beer and cheers at you and goes, you're goddamn right, he would.

To true hair.

To true hair.

Bobby the cup.

Bobby is nuts.

You see, they cheers and Balnor gets kind of caught up in the revelry and goes, I'll talk to you guys inside when you talk to Bobby.

Okay.

I think whatever you guys are feeling called to.

Like if there's something, some revelry that you feel drawn to.

Could I have a beer?

Yeah, absolutely.

I'd be be fucking pissed if you didn't.

She starts to drink what he goes, ugh.

I'll chill her glass.

I think the issue is that it's not cold enough.

Yeah,

also,

I lean over.

This is beer for halflings.

So it's like perfect for Kenna's first beer.

Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, you see, once it's uh, once it's cold,

she takes a drink of it.

This is good.

I feel like I could have 12 or 13 of these bad boys.

Oh, yeah.

Why are we worried?

She'll be fine.

That's how you feel now.

After the second one, you won't feel that way.

See, as she like goes to drink it, you see Bal Norleans and goes like, hey, hey, all right.

Make sure she just has five or six of these, all right?

I will, I will.

Goes back and joins the party.

And Kenna just nurses her one beer, feeling very proud and adult, like hanging out with you guys.

Do you ever see those little Rolling Rock minis?

Yeah,

that was my first beer.

Cool pony beers, yeah.

You see, she's got like a little foam mustache and is just kind of nodding and looking proud being near you guys.

You know, I feel like before we go inside, I would love to kind of, um, I would love to kind of just like walk amongst all the knights and get to know them a little bit, especially since they're like mingling with the serpent.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll kind of like get up on licorice and do like a bull riding thing.

Hell yeah.

Cool.

So you thon, you get, get up on licorice and begin riding around.

And I'll say, give me an insight check as you go around and you kind of talk to the green knights and stuff.

I'm still still covered in blood.

I'm just like, yeah.

Hi, Salbufo.

Nice to meet you.

Great workout.

Okay.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

21.

21.

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

So I'll say, yeah, you go around, you make a great impression.

Obviously, the serpents are kind of the heroes of this, in addition to you guys.

So having these great serpents come down out of the sky and fucking save them, they're like gods, like the halflings and the goblins and gnomes, and everybody here looks on at them and wonders.

Hi, Salbufo.

I killed 40 archers.

How are you doing?

Oh, yeah, you did.

And they slap you on the shoulder.

I will say some insight you gain, though, and I'll say all of you guys do this.

You guys go around and you're talking to people and stuff.

There is like a release of adrenaline that happens, right?

That there is all this revelry, but there is an underlying guilt.

And you see, in addition to just, you know, they've lost a lot of knights, they've recently lost Queen Cyrilla.

You hear people talking about feeling feeling guilt for having trusted this guy Leonor and having not listened to Robert.

And you get the sense that these guys were maybe

neutral in a rivalry between Leonor and Robert and really needed it proven to them that this Leonor guy was a snake.

You're not getting like all of the information because obviously they're not going to share everything with you guys because they don't really know you, but you get the sense that there's a lot of guilt with having not gotten robert out of the dungeon earlier so something went down and not a lot of people stood up for him until it was too late i think calliope

overhears some of this and relates to it immediately and just jumps into a conversation being like yeah sometimes a man comes along with pretty words and you forget yourself and you just take on whatever he says is right and you are trying your best but it doesn't matter because his words are so pretty holy shit can I chill your beer sir

give me a persuasion check with disadvantage

okay I got a nat 20 and a 15

with a disadvantage it's still a 30 because I have whatever expertise that's amazing you go over there and you begin instantly crying around this group of strangers that are having a quiet conversation

that are having a quiet conversation This is after you came into the battlefield glowing the meteor witch.

I'm still glowing.

I'm still glowing when Moonlitch.

The meteor witch is fucking right.

That's right.

We need to forgive ourselves.

We were manipulated.

We were fucking manipulated.

You can take responsibility.

Use the guilt to teach you a lesson.

They just made it.

They made Robert.

Leonor just seemed so nice and cool.

Yeah, that's what they do.

Yeah.

That's what they do.

That's what they do.

That's what they do.

That's what they do, man.

They just start crying and hugging Calliope.

I dive in.

We get into it.

You know what?

I'm going to do something for this party.

Calder's going to make a giant ice luge for the revelry.

Hell yeah.

You make an ice luge.

You see a bunch of the green knights take turns sliding down it.

Or are they drink from it?

Yeah, you drink from it.

I think both are happy.

Yeah, because technically, you do have the power.

You have the power to make an actual luge.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, I'll do two: one for alcohol, one for riding.

Drink.

Calliope immediately messes up which one is for waiting.

Calliope contaminates the one that's for drinking.

No, Callie, I'm coming down the slide.

Don't move your mouth.

Move your mouth.

Callie chips a tooth, and there's no one there to fix it.

Oh my god.

Calder holds his veneer very close.

I know that Callie would steal this.

It's on there really tight.

Yeah, I think after we've had our required revelries, I think, yeah, we'll go back inside.

Kenna, do you mind keeping an eye on the serpents?

I mean, they're fine on their own, but you know, just

to rub their tummies.

I'm out here choking beers anyway.

She takes a little sip of

her ale.

You've drank a third of your pony.

This is a real ale, by the way.

I didn't think it wasn't before, but now I do.

She covers it and moves back.

It's good to stay hydrated.

So, you guys enter the castle gates and see that.

I give my number to all the people I just bonded with.

Right on.

Nice.

We make plans for a Pilates class tomorrow.

All of us are going to be way too hungover.

Yeah, way too early.

You enter the castle gates, you see that they were broken down by the battle, but green knights and other workers are working to repair it.

The wall and the gate are supremely messed up, but once you get past them, you are in a pristine fairy tale garden.

Giant Giant flowers, abundant plant life and trees, and a gorgeous castle with beautiful stained glass murals and moss growing up the side.

You enter the castle itself and see that the floor is covered in a soft flower bed.

The stained glass windows are so close together that it's almost like a greenhouse in here, allowing all these plants and flowers to flourish.

But on a nearby platform, you see an empty throne with a sun backing.

Robert stares at it longingly.

There is an eerie peace in here.

No more sounds of battle, but you can't hear the sounds of like outside revelry either.

You see, Robert, as you walk in, looks away from the throne and then looks at you guys and goes, We thank you for your help.

We would have been lost without you.

Of course,

this is our fight, too.

Yeah, we actually came here hoping to make an ally of you.

Yeah.

Well, who are you?

What is what is your cause?

Uh, our cause is preventing Jovir and her power grab, and who I am at least is the sister of the girl who's being framed for Cyrilla's murder.

Yeah, we're also protecting those giant serpents out there.

The serpents, they are of Oberyn's prophecy.

Yes.

My understanding

was that the serpents were here to destroy us.

And don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they destroyed the right people, but my understanding is that

their coming would mean Armageddon.

No,

really, they've only been dispatched to protect the wild from the encroaching ambitions of civilization.

Yeah, and right now there's a lot of civilization encroaching.

Robert looks a little suspicious, but nods and goes, I suppose if that wasn't true, then we'd be dead right now, so.

Yeah, I think that's good reasoning.

Well, what would you have us do?

You said you wanted to make allies of us.

Well,

I can see you're a skeptical man.

You're right to withhold your trust, and it sounds like it was broken by a brother of yours, Leonor.

You see,

Robert, who...

in the short time that you've met him, even after winning this huge fight and everything, has barely showed any emotion, has just been kind of all business, in that moment shows a very human look of

hatred and anger, and then sort of gathers himself and goes,

yes, that rat.

Jovir's recent

actions are the conclusion to a series of escalations that have been happening over the past year.

She and

the good queen Cyrilla.

You see, looks over at the throne and then looks back at you and goes, technically had a peace pact, but Jovir has been testing her boundaries, sending troops into the spring and summer courts, arresting people, attacking beasts outside of her borders.

The good queen Cyrilla minds the advice of her council, and among them were members of the Green Knights.

I began to suspect that some of them were compromised when they kept advising inaction against Jovere's aggression.

And I was

particularly suspicious of a knight named Leonor, who was seen as sort of a rival for my position as captain of the Green Knights.

He was one of the loudest voices for peace, as he called it.

I mean, it's it's hard to argue with peace, I understand.

Well, he was arguing for inaction.

Eventually, I caught him speaking to a fate-bringer mage of Jovir's court.

Rather than report him,

I made the mistake of confronting him.

We fought.

One of his stooges walked in and witnessed it, and they conspired together to make it seem like I attacked him.

It was...

A believable enough story because we had been butting heads enough in public, so I was thrown into the dungeons along with my father, who was among the only ones to defend me.

Dear old dad,

stop

how he introduced himself.

I know, his name is Balnor.

Fuck up, the war's just beginning.

Stop it.

You're just like him.

Stop.

Well,

I'm sure you already know this, but you were right.

Yes, yes.

Unfortunately, other people came to that conclusion a little too late.

Tobias Truehair and a few friends began visiting me.

Word got out that they were catching on to Leonor's treachery, and they themselves were labeled traitors and cast out of the court.

Oh.

We have grim news of them.

Have you spoken to dear old dad already?

His name is Balnor, and I've heard of Tobias's fate.

He was.

he was a good man, would give you the cup off his nuts.

Yes.

Too true.

true

cried into my veneer

but besides the few who tried to help me while i was in the dungeons it was only when queen sorrilla was killed that the rest of the order learned the true nature of leonor and his stooges the false green knights how did they learn it was it just the nature of what happened to her or was inclination disseminated leonor was the one pushing for Cyrilla to attend the summit.

I see.

Saying that cooperation between the courts was the only path to peace.

When word came down about her death, the remaining loyal green knights who were suspicious of Leonor but maybe hadn't acted yet finally freed me from the dungeons and we mounted a defense here.

I see.

May I ask?

Have you had the space to imagine a more proactive plan, or have you just had to be reacting to attacks?

You see, he sort of stares into the middle distance and goes, I cannot look too far into the future.

There are too many wrongs to right in the now.

And what are those wrongs that you would like to write, so that we can see if we can help you and what we can help you with?

I mean to revive the good Queen Cyrilla.

How?

I suspect that if we were to kill Queen Jovir and retrieve the magic of the Seeley Crown, I suspect we might be able to mount a spell powerful enough that we could do a ritual with our clerics to potentially bring her back.

Would that spell consume the crown, or would she wear it

once she rose?

From what I hear, the magic is still there, but the original Seeley Crown was destroyed.

I do think it would take a good bit of magic, but there would certainly still be enough to create a new crown.

Well,

I guess, you know, since we're all just talking here, it's worth knowing that things are more complicated than you might have initially thought.

There are other forces at work here.

I don't know what you've heard since you've been in the dungeon, but primordial giants have returned and are also vying for some stake of control in the Fey Wild.

So if you were to try to revive your queen, I don't know if that would be the end of things.

Regardless of what part

the good queen Cyrilla has to play in the politics of the future Fey Wild,

is

irrelevant to me.

Is she important to you?

Very.

She is.

Beyond her title, beyond the crown she wore?

My order was taken in by her centuries ago in our time of need.

We have vowed to repay that debt.

Our purpose is to defend her and to

keep peace in the Seely Kingdom.

We have failed.

My life is meaningless until she is back.

I have failed in the only thing I have sworn to do.

Yeah, I've been there.

I'm from the Fair Wild.

And...

Cyrilla always struck me as...

She struck me as really sincere.

a little inattentive of some of her official duties because she

liked to party.

But she did not strike me as having the

lust for power that seems to be gripping Jovia.

Did you think she was a good queen?

Yes.

Yeah.

And he kind of bristles when you say that she parties.

She's diplomatic.

Really?

Socialized.

She's got to go to events, galas, that type of thing.

She She has to do that type of thing.

I honestly, like, I'm okay with her partying a little bit.

Yes.

Did we see pictures of her also on an Ice Luge in that magazine?

Yes, definitely.

Is it that you feel that you failed and you have to right a personal wrong?

Or is there a desire to bring back a person who you think is good

to this world?

Both.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

That's nice to hear because I really always did have kind of a good impression of her.

Yeah, Callie, I'll say that the read you're getting off of Robert here is that obviously he's not looking at things objectively.

He's like a queen's guard dedicated to defending the queen.

So he's like, yeah, it would be great if she was queen.

It'd be great if she was queen of everything.

So like his political thought on this is like quite simple and probably not great.

But like literally right now, you are in a like fairy tale castle.

So she is,

you had described her as naive.

There is a naivete to it where it is literally like, the people are hungry.

Well, let's turn all of the trees to gumdrops.

You know what I mean?

So it's like well-meaning, but also maybe she shouldn't be my queen.

Right.

But yeah, so it's like she's fun, but maybe shouldn't be, you know, queen of half the world.

So by no means like an evil, evil person or anything like that, but definitely like naive.

And I don't think you would get a strong feeling of being like, oh, Robert's got the right of this.

She needs to be the queen again.

But it's like she probably deserves to live.

Yeah, no, I mean, that's what I'm saying.

Can I speak with my friends for a second?

Of course.

Oh, you see, Robert just goes back to staring at the throne.

Wow.

Okay.

Wow, we can probably stay within earshot.

He's pretty zoned out.

He is dialed in.

He's so dialed fucking thrown.

He's just mumbling my queen.

I feel like, I mean, who knows?

The future's unwritten, but I think we can promise that to him and then maybe offer her a seat on the council or something.

I mean, that's what I was thinking.

That's kind of why I was sussing it out because I do think you see the way that the power of the crown warped Jove.

But I'm thinking back to all my time in The Fay Wild and everything I saw about Cyrilla.

There are people out there who can

bear a degree of power without it corrupting them.

It's just really rare.

And maybe the only way it corrupted her is that she liked to party too much.

I don't know.

So I'm saying,

I think she's well-meaning.

I think she could be a candidate for

something like that.

She died at the hands of Jovir.

I don't think she deserved to die.

Yeah, exactly.

I do think she should still be here.

Yeah.

And if we can, you know, take care of some of that crown's magic by igniting it to bring her back in a ritual spell, then, hey,

that's one way to recycle it, I guess.

Yeah, I have no qualms about that.

And if we bring her back, she might owe us a favor.

Ah, wow.

Interesting.

What kind of favor?

I mean,

everything

you've envisioned for the Fae Wilds.

Keeping it wild,

you can tell her your vision the way you told Zunark.

I think, if anything, from what you told us about Cyrilla, it seems like a crown is only weighing her down.

Yeah.

That's what I'm thinking is that I don't think it'd be a hard sale to say we get we got you an even prettier crown.

It's not magic, but it has more diamonds in it.

I feel like she'd be okay.

Is this a better court for gunk to be in?

Oh my god.

Well, but he's a fish, right?

Yeah.

So it actually was so perfect to have him serve a Coralin.

I just want what's best for him.

I just

weird to be thinking about his second marriage, but after the Brine Splech thing doesn't work out, like maybe he can come here.

All right.

Get a vacation house in this realm.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Basically, I just think that I think Cyrilla is

more reasonable.

Yeah.

So I feel like, I know, I feel like she does want.

the best for people and the fair wild.

Okay.

Even if she's not the most organized in enacting that.

It also seems like, you know, if we're looking for a banner to rally all of these knights around,

the return of the queen seems pretty good.

It's impressive, too, to see how much her people are still dedicated to her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That speaks volumes to me.

She must have done something to earn their loyalty.

Yeah.

Unless one of us wants to be the queen.

Not it.

No.

That's so funny to say.

Syrah brought this up and I was like, I don't want to tell anyone what to do ever.

That sounds like my nightmare.

I'll tell you what, I love...

I do like these green knights.

They have a cool vibe.

I like the revelry.

Yeah.

I could see a world where

I serve in their court.

Yeah.

Okay.

I walk one foot over back to Robert.

Hey, you.

Sorry, sorry.

You didn't eavesdrop on us, did you?

No, not at all.

Okay.

I was thinking of regrets.

Oh, wow.

I trust him.

Bathing in your own regrets?

Yes, I should have reported Leonore instead of confronting him.

Wow.

I

think that you're never gonna be able to remedy this situation unless you forgive that.

I will never forgive myself.

I trust him.

You know, sometimes forgiveness is a multi-step process, and his first step is to move forward.

Which we wanted to talk to you about.

Yes, yes.

Here's the deal.

We want to help you bring Cyrilla back.

Then

you have the Green Knight's support.

What we've been dispatched to to do, though, is to destroy the crowns.

Not necessarily the idea of a crown, but the magic that's in them.

He

nods a little suspiciously, but seems to understand the position that he's in, which is you guys have giant serpents and more allies.

I just didn't want to enter some sort of agreement with you and have you feel slighted.

She can still rule, but based on inspiring devotion

from her followers.

And she could have a flower by magical means.

Yeah, we'll make her a flower crown.

Some sort of like non-magical tiara.

That, yes, the crown does not matter to me as much as the person.

Okay.

So.

If you can help us revive our good queen Cyrilla, then you have the blessings of our order.

Yeah.

You absolutely have our promise that we will try our best because Mildred's murmurs is like cricket since Cyrilla's gone.

No one's making any good gossip.

The realm has gone juiceless.

Yeah, it's like propaganda now.

That's terrible.

So miserable.

It goes straight from page five to page seven.

There's no page six.

There's no page six.

Yeah, the print.

I think even the printers are fucking phoning it in.

They know it's fucking nothing.

Yes, it's terrible.

I mean, I read Mildred's murmurs to keep up and just to, you know, make sure, see what's being said about our good queen.

Yeah.

And to do the crossword.

All we've had down in the dungeons for the past six months have been

His laughter echoing down the halls.

Yes,

sounds like a vacation.

Does it now?

A staycation.

Yeah.

I think my father would tell you that he enjoyed it a little bit.

A little time with his son.

He definitely enjoyed a little bit of time with his son.

But Bobby.

I will be honest, he was.

He was a comfort to have with me.

He trusted me and took my side even when no one else would.

his presence really soothes yeah

well don't worry you know if things go according to plan your queen will be back on page six chugging box wine as soon as we can yeah that's that's our vision for the future you see sorrilla slapping the bag

you see he looks at the throne and with a tear in his eye goes i wish only to see her slap the bag one more time

the slap third round the fairy wine I wish only to hold her hair back while she pukes into a toilet at an expensive hotel.

One more time.

Wow.

We've been to the Grand Mariner.

Really got to recommend it.

Yes.

All right.

Well, get some rest.

You, of course, welcome to stay here.

There are many rooms open in the castle, so take your pick.

You see, he gestures to a staircase that leads into several adjacent hallways.

Just don't sleep in like the Queen's bedroom or anything.

That would be weird.

Oh, fuck, Nathan.

Yeah, I knew you were going to be a little bit more.

Does she have a walk-in closet we can crash at?

What about Lesterbourne's bad?

He goes,

Where is Lesterbourne?

Because I know he's not John Jove, but he says, Is he here?

He's here somewhere.

Is he?

Lesterborn, get your fucking sliny ass out here.

Hello.

Is he a skinny little Aladdin man?

Where are you in a bathrobe?

There's a battle going on.

Yes, well, I often find it better to relax in times of stress.

Calliope's been like, so read so many tabloids about them, and she's been totally radicalized.

Lesterbourne, I'm just going to let you know when you cheated on Cyrilla with that fucking noble from the autumn court, we all hated you.

We hated you.

Called her eats popcorn.

You didn't get the full story, okay?

You did not get the full story.

You You didn't hear my side.

Whatever.

We're sleeping in your bed.

Very well.

You see, the king consort Lesterbourne just wanders down another hall of his huge mansion.

I'll never forgive him.

Man, he smelled like lavender, right?

Yeah, he really did pungently.

You see, yeah, Robert goes, I told him to take a bath when he said, Should I be leading the troops?

And he, when I said, go take a bath, he instantly listens to me.

Wow.

It must have been already drawn.

Yes.

Has he been in the bath the whole time?

That was a long battle.

Did you see his fingers moving to me?

He's looking a little pruny.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, you can go sleep in King Lesterbourne's quarters.

As you know, there were several cheating scandals, so they are sleeping in different bedrooms.

Yeah, you guys walk down the hallway, and you see that every room, including Lesterborn, is is essentially like glamping.

There are like plants and flower beds.

It feels like you're outside because there's like flower beds all along the walls and floors.

And you see there is a big, comfy canopy bed next to a fireplace and then a big window where you can see like the moonlight perfectly coming in and lighting the room.

And you see after a little bit, Kenna comes in and joins you guys.

I had a beer.

Looks like there's half of it still left.

Or is this a fresh beer?

You have a beer.

She pours it out onto the flower bed.

I had a beer.

That flower escape.

Sprung to life.

Are you sure that wasn't water?

Kenna.

Yeah.

Why don't I tuck you in?

Yeah, I think it's bedtime.

I think it's bedtime.

You see, Kenna gets right into the middle of the giant bed and then sleeps diagonally and instantly passes out and starts snoring.

I take off her shoes and I undo her hair.

Guys, check it out.

There's a zipline for the mistresses to go out the window.

Lesterborn, you

scoundrel.

I'm going to try it out.

It opens to another secret bedroom down here, which is just as beautiful.

Has another stained glass window, has more flower beds and stuff.

So cool.

Thrill seeker.

I love this.

This all runs back up the wall to get back in the room.

Sweet.

Yeah.

You guys are all in this bedroom now.

Close the door.

Kenna is snoring on the bed.

Should we try and get in touch with Garash and Albin and Ma Goblin?

Yeah, I open up Lesterbourne's correspondence desk.

God, look how many perfumed notes there are here.

God.

You fucking scoundrel.

So much shaking.

Mildred's murmurs down plaything.

Dude, this is despicable.

Oh, no, it was actually all theater.

Callie, you look at this.

This is the motherload of hot gossip.

I took this all away.

Dozens of love letters between Lesterbourne and various members of the court.

I'm going to give her a bag of holding to keep all these mistress letters.

And I'm just like, I'm going to fucking make big with Mildred's moments.

I'm going to start my own Calliope's Crows.

Okay.

Calliope's Crows.

It's perfect.

It's bad.

It's bad.

No, it's like

ravens delivering letters.

Calliope's correspondences.

That's really good.

That's better.

I like the crows, though.

It's like you could deliver it by crow.

That's what I was thinking.

Yeah, you could get Lady Hellsbeth to help.

And then it's like a little birdie told me who, a crow, one of Callie's crows.

He's really too sweaty.

I weep.

I weep.

I can't come up with a name for my cosaper.

You know what?

This is our nest egg if things go bad.

You see, as you guys are crying about the potential of Calliope's crows or correspondences, whatever you want to call it, you see a strange mechanical cylinder suddenly bursts through the window, then crashes onto the floor of the room.

You see, Kenna wakes up.

I jealously guard my correspondences.

Get away, they're mine!

After a moment, you see the cylinder begins to shake, then stands up as a little kickstand shoots out of the bottom and it projects a hologram of Ma Goblin.

Wow.

And

you see her go, Ah, sorry, I wish I had

more of an elegant way to get this to you, but Garasha's magic is all wind-based, so I just had to kind of throw it out the castle window.

Oh, this is so cute.

This is really cool, yeah.

It just like rocketed through the sky.

Yeah, just I just threw it out the window, and I see you, so presumably it worked.

Very accurate that Garage.

This is live.

Yes, this is live.

I am here.

This is great.

I have so much glass in my face, but hold on.

Hold up the Ezri, the most recent Esri Cesri.

See?

Very recent.

Very random now.

This is some pre-recorded.

Streaming.

Yeah.

Anyway,

yes, I have something for you.

You see, the cylinder expands, revealing more mechanical parts that then begin 3D printing a large piece of equipment.

Wow.

This thing's nifty.

This is a Magitech net gun that should be able to help you against those mages that you were talking about.

Yes.

The lasso.

Sort of a lasso.

It's fine-tuned to disrupt the magical frequency of diviners, so it won't necessarily hurt every single mage or spellcaster that you come across, but these particular mages, it will work very well.

If you can hit one, it will restrain them and stop them from casting a spell.

Wow.

Can I shoot it at Colder?

Hey, Callie, what are you doing?

Why are you looking at my veneer like that?

That's a great idea.

I need to playtest it.

You?

I'm going to shoot you and then try to do a spell.

Playtest it on Saul.

Grab this huge Arkabus that is radiating magical energy and shoot it.

And it has a ton of kickback that knocks you back like three feet.

Whoa.

Go ahead and roll a D20.

18.

18.

Okay, so that is a 24 total.

It catches Calder in a magical net.

You see, Calder falls over, restrained, and he cannot cast spells.

He tries to cast a spell.

Tries to cast a spell.

And it's making him cry, too.

Yeah, it's short-circuiting.

You can try it on me next.

Yeah,

I try to cast Ice Knife.

I shoot an Ice Ray at Callie.

You go to to cast a freezing ray, but struggle against the siphoning powers of the net.

You feel it constrict around you.

The spell is countered, and you begin breathing heavily with great effort as you take on a level of exhaustion.

And you hear Magos, again, mostly for the diviners.

Please don't shoot each other.

I give it to Calda.

Do me now.

Do me now.

I'm not, no, I'm not going to sink to that.

Do me now.

And then I throw it really fast.

You shoot the net gun again.

That's a nine.

A nine.

So that's only a 15.

So you do see it's cumbersome and it is tough to hit.

You tweaked my shoulder when you threw it at me.

You see, the net just goes and hits Lesterbourne's desk.

Die in front of it to protect this salacious desk.

It's dispelling the magic of the letters, no.

But yeah, you see, Mogoblin continues and goes, Yes, it takes a bit to reload, and it's a little bit hard to hit, but it is a heavy hitter if you can manage to pull it off.

So here's how this works.

You can use an action to shoot an arcane net with it.

It is bulky and awkward, so it has a flat plus six to hit.

So it only has a plus six to hit.

But if it hits, you restrain your target and stop them from casting spells.

They can only escape with a DC30 athletics check.

If they try to cast a spell, they have to do a constitution saving throw or gain a level of exhaustion.

After the net gun is used, it needs an action to reload.

You see there are big, bulky cartridges that come with it that can be loaded in, but definitely something that you probably want to like have Kenna help you reload or something like that.

It's not something that you can just go in and blast the like six Fate Bringers that are left.

Gotcha.

But you see the cylinder that Ma is speaking out of breaks down and turns into a little circular disc.

And you see her hologram goes away, but you can still hear her voice coming through it.

And she goes, Hang on to this and bring it with you when you go to the.

Presumably, you're going to the autumn court next.

Yeah, I think that unless you've heard any news about developments, I think that's probably where we're going to head.

We'll check in with Bobby.

Oh, he's the young stag.

He's like one of the leaders of the Green Knights here.

Very well.

Yeah, we'll check in with him to make sure there's nothing else he needs, but then, yeah, that's our next destination, I think.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, this is a communicator, so you can get in touch with us.

But more importantly, it's also a scanner that can let me get more data on the automatons, should you be able to get close to one.

So maybe I can do like a detect thoughts type deal or something like that and kind of find out what is making them tick.

Interesting.

That would be great.

That would be awesome.

And to

speak to what you just said, Sol, we have been tracking some movement in the autumn court.

The automatons are heading toward Charbin's fiery keep, which has popped up in the last couple of weeks.

It is not clear whether they're planning on talking or fighting, but but things will be coming to a head soon.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's going to even with Garash's help, it will take you another full day.

You'll probably get there tomorrow evening if you leave in the daytime.

Okay, so I think

heading to Charmin's castle is maybe the move.

Okay.

You can give us a call when you're ready to leave, and Garash will give you a boost.

Okay.

Okay.

Ma out.

Alright.

Oh, us out as well.

Yeah, we're out.

We're out first, actually.

Yeah, I'm out first.

Saul throws the discs.

Yeah,

the communicator disconnects.

Okay, well, I mean,

anything else to be done?

Or should we just go to bed?

No, I'm feeling really exhausted from that all.

Do you want to try to take another go?

You see, Sol is still caked in blood, and all of you guys are just like completely exhausted and beaten down.

Do you want to take another go at me, Colder?

No, I think I'm just going to go to sleep.

And I throw it again.

Go ahead.

You shoot with the giant Arquebus.

It's an eight.

It's an eight.

It shoots back.

It does a misfire that blows back on you, and the net captures you and the gun in it.

Calder!

I'm just going to go to sleep in here.

It does kind of start to form a sleeping bag again.

It gets falling on the floor.

It looks comfy.

I'll lay on hands on Calder and then go to bed.

Yeah, my pinched nerve relaxes.

This does look like something that when you do face the fate bringer mages, that it will be something that you want to pair with like having advantage.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out could my mounted combatant give me advantage.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Ooh.

So yeah,

there are definitely ways for you to use this that will be most strategic.

Would you let me, because I still have the thing that like summons a serpent.

Yeah.

Fine steed, but it's fine serpent.

I would use that for Foster.

You know what I would let you do?

You could do it for Foster, or you can summon an avatar of Marigold.

Ooh.

Wow.

I think I'm going to do it for Foster.

Okay, cool.

Finally.

Yeah, just giant duck.

I feel like I don't want to show up to Marigold on Marigold.

On a fake Marigold, yeah, that makes sense.

I feel like riding to battle on a giant duck is just going to throw everyone off in the best way.

Yeah, it's very peregrine.

It's so peregrine.

So peregrine.

So peregrine.

Yeah, if it's cool with you, I'm going to take a bath and then just sleep in the bathtub.

Yeah,

I think bath water is still in there.

It's foul.

Saul takes a bath in Lesterboard's bathwater.

He used like five bath bombs.

Wow.

That's crazy.

It's so bath bomb heavy, honestly.

There's nothing in here that doesn't just smell like the freshest flowers.

What's a siege without bombs?

It's like a lavender swamp.

I'm kind of digging it.

Man, the grossest thing we've ever done on the show, officially.

We're all cuddle up at the foot of where can I sleep.

Cool.

Yeah, you sleep like a dog at the end of the bed.

So you guys all go to bed for the night.

And the next morning, you see the sun shining in perfectly through the stained glass window of the room, cascading light onto all of the flowers.

Calder, you wake up in your net.

Callie, you wake up at the end of the bed.

Saul, you wake up in a bathtub.

I think I ate a bath bomb.

They look so inviting.

I really like that.

It does taste delicious.

I'm sure I could.

Do you guys want one?

Yeah, I do.

Toss me a bath bomb.

King Lesterborn's bath bombs.

Can I open the window and see if any ravens with messages for King Lesterbourne

come in?

Yeah, any of that correspondence coming back.

We're already in his bath wall, so let's go through.

Yeah,

you see an entire murder of crows is outside with letters.

We will take that.

Thank you.

Yeah, a lot of people are proposing marriage and proposing that he should be the king now and stuff like that.

Wait, you know what?

We should call it

some Discord.

Instead of Calliope's Crows, we can call it the Peregrine Post.

Fuck, that's good.

That's it.

That's the one.

Yes.

What am I going to do with all the stationery that I had made last night?

Calder was just up all night in the net.

Just so exhausted.

Just deep circles under his eyes.

Great.

I love the new title.

Hucks everything in a trash can.

You'll never see it coming.

That's our tagline.

Oh, that's good.

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Thanks, everybody.

I'm going to roll my diviner dice real quick.

Oh, right on.

Yeah, see if you can get back some scores.

Now, 20.

Whoa!

All right, I'll say that'll give you two back.

Two, yes, thank you.

So, you were not able to get it the other night, but you got two this night.

So, you're on track to maybe get one more galactic swag before the final battle.

That would be great.

We'll have to see how tonight works out.

Guys, there's something in these bath bombs that's making me hallucinate a little bit and then do i need to worry about being scried on

to a certain extent probably although it does seem like they pulled the big the big trick on you already yeah but Bobby said that there's clerics yeah they're definitely you could definitely find somebody to cast not as actually

I'm gonna see if any of the people I was bonding with yesterday are clerics I'm gonna go 45 minutes late to the 50-minute Pilates class that we all agreed to go to.

Yeah.

You walk to the Pilates class, you see that no one is there, and the instructor puts up a sign and says that it's canceled down to like low attendance.

And you see that a cleric walks out of their chambers and looks to kind of like avoid your gaze, like you're going to guilt them into Pilates.

And they just sort of head down walk past you.

Morning.

Hi, I'm so sorry to bother you.

Do clerics have non-detection?

I know wizards do, but...

No, it's Bard Ranger Wizard.

I'm so sorry to bother you.

Do you know a Ranger or a Wizard I could talk about?

Hey, can you point me in the direction of a Ranger?

You know, I don't remember much about last night, but

I remember us hanging out.

Yeah, yeah, we got into it.

We talked about toxic exes.

Right, okay.

Yeah.

Yes, there were a few Rangers and Wizards that were hanging out with us.

I can get you to get it.

Really?

Yes, I would love that.

They bring you to,

they find a ranger that's like a little bit higher level and they cast a non-detection on you.

Yes.

Thank you so much.

It's like sometimes I just like want to go under the radar.

Oh, guys, there's a later Pilates class.

There's one at 945, too.

I go back to sleep.

As you guys get downstairs, kind of like to the main area, you see that the main hall is abuzz with activity.

It looks like everybody's gearing up for a fight with Jovere at some point.

You see Robert talks with a few other knights, then sort of pushes past them to get to you, and goes, We're calling the banners.

There were some who went into hiding after everything happened at the summit, but they're now ready to declare for us.

We'll gather the troops here.

Where are you off to?

We're going to the autumn court.

Just see if we can make an ally or if we can whittle down two opposing forces and try and solve two problems at once.

Yeah, there's a big fight ahead, so we're gathering any allies we can find.

In fact, if you have ideas of anyone else who could be an ally let us know because we are open yeah we're ally brainstorming we're bringing as many of them here as we can okay okay i wasn't sure if you had like any other friends but if you were going down to the autumn court we could offer you an escort

yeah oh would it be dear old dad

His name is Balnor.

But yes.

I met somebody yesterday, but I think he introduced himself as dear old dad.

I'm trying trying to remember.

Did somebody say dear old dad?

Hey.

Thy ears are ringing.

Hey, Balnor, get over here.

Your son's got his antlers in a twist.

Ah, geez.

Comes over, gives him a noogie.

Stop that.

I'm a captain now.

Robert looks up at Balinor and goes, Father, take three airships and accompany them.

We don't know what kind of trouble they'll run into in the autumn court.

And Balnor salutes.

Dear old dad to young stag, over and out.

We're not on walkie-talkies.

You don't have to say over and out.

Hey, dear old dad, do you have a visor that I can wear as well?

Of course I do, kiddo.

You see, reaches into his abundant bag and pulls out a visor.

Been trying to got this one for Bobby.

He doesn't want to rock him.

I got a fresh pair of dungarees as well.

I might crack them.

Do you guys got a uniform coat?

Oh, look at the pleat on those things.

I could take some pleated dungarees.

Do you guys like some pleated dungarees?

I definitely got a few pairs in here.

You see, Robert takes the bag, pours out the dungarees, and goes, The Green Knights wear green armor, Father.

You are to represent us.

You are representative of Queen Cyrilla's court.

You are a symbol.

I'm just saying,

some nice dungarees.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Green jeans.

We'll make them green jeans.

Yeah, green jeans.

Each one with the fleece vest.

The fleece vest is nice.

Balanor whispers to you guys, I've got a bag of more dungarees.

Let them do these guys.

Okay, okay, yeah.

Let's get it.

All right, you got it.

You got it, son.

You got it, young man.

You're in charge.

You're in in charge.

Aye, aye, sir.

All right, don't patronize me.

What you say goes.

Be safe.

The rest of us will see you on the battlefield.

As a parting gift, I produce a staghorn fern,

which is just a fern that looks like

antlers.

Oh, cool.

It's epiphytic.

And I give it to

the young stag.

I know you're surrounded by greenery, but here's some more.

Thank you.

This is quite special.

Much appreciated.

You shall keep it as a token.

Yes.

Enjoy it.

We'll see you on the battlefield.

I will see you then.

You see, tucks it behind his ear and goes to the bottom of the battle.

It's a pretty big plan.

Still tucks it behind his ear.

Wow.

Wow.

All right.

Yeah, let's go.

Shall we hit the road or shall we rock and roll?

Yeah.

Yeah, did you print out directions?

What's the map situation?

Oh, I know my way there.

We probably want to hit the road.

It's going to be fucking crazy.

The traffic's going to be nice.

Oh, it's going to be a mob, so you can always get it early.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, we might even want to wait till tomorrow.

No, we do have to go.

We do have to do it today.

We do have to go.

But let's back a snack.

Okay.

I don't want to stop on the way.

Oh, I'm not stopping.

There's no way I'm stopping.

If there's no stops.

Everyone pee now.

If we're not stopping.

I don't need to pee now.

I'm not going to pee.

None of this new fancy Magitech stuff.

I know how to get there, so you guys just follow me, okay?

Okay.

You follow the airship, all right?

Okay.

Balnor.

Can I modify memory on Balnor with the actual right directions

using the fancy Magitech stuff?

There's sort of like a detect thoughts that goes into the modify memory, so you kind of like know what you can affect.

And you see that, like, he just would have went the complete wrong way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I implant the right directions in him.

Wow, I've never seen an airship with a bumper sticker before.

Proud father of a captain of the green knights.

Yeah.

Yeah, you see Balnor and a bunch of the green knights start loading up airships.

There's like a nearby dock that's like kind of like on an on a mountain, like overlooking the water.

Cool.

And you guys go outside and you see Honeysuckle and Licorice are waiting for you guys out there, taking up like the whole courtyard.

Hey, buddy.

Nom nom nom.

I toss him a rock.

How did you sleep last night?

Mom.

Really?

Oh, that's so good.

You earned that good sleep.

Knocking over like a nearby tower.

His breath blowing the leaves off of trees.

Because a tree gets uprooted and flies off.

What do you two think about going on a trip?

Nom nom.

All right, then.

Great.

Have you both used the bathroom?

Rom-nom.

Okay, great.

Oh, yeah, see it over there.

Saul's going to use tongue of the sun and moon to hiss back at licorice.

You can't tell if they're fighting or bonding, but they both hiss at each other for an extended period of time.

I look at Calder.

He does do that.

That's so funny.

What?

Let's go.

Yeah, you see, Kenna hops onto Licorice's back.

Saul is with Licorice.

Calder is with Honeysuckle.

And Callie, where do you go?

I'll hop on Honeysuckle.

Cool.

Hop on Honeysuckle's back.

You guys see in the nearby airship yard, three airships that look like giant sailing ships full of green knights take off and begin following you on the wind.

You see, Kenna picks up the communicator and goes, Grush, we are a go.

Squire out.

You feel the wind pick up and you begin rocketing through the air towards the autumn court.

It is going to take a majority of the day for you to get there.

Is there anything you guys want to do to prepare?

Ooh.

Can we stop for a piss break, dear old dad?

We've been on the road for 10 minutes, Calder.

10 minutes.

I thought I didn't have to go, but I have to go now.

Pee in a bottle.

Pee into the wind.

Balnor has like a horn that he's communicating with you guys.

You just hear it over the loud wind.

Go in a bottle, bud.

You guys got snapple bottles over there?

We could throw some over.

We've got one of Cyrilla's empty wine bags.

That's fine.

Calder pisses into the wind.

You piss directly onto Balnor, who's on the ship.

Oh, come on.

Sorry, dear old dad.

Right on your dockers.

Would it be crazy to cast Pass Without Trace?

Can I do it on?

It seems insane to do it on the Serpent.

I'll say you can use it on the Serpents, and I would say that would allow us like cloud cover.

Yeah.

Basically, last time you guys approached a giant army on the serpents, Warhorn started going up, and Watchtower saw you and everything.

We can say that Pass Without Trace on them makes them be able to have stealth as long as they're like a mile away.

So you can like get a bearing on your surroundings and then decide if you want to go in or go in on foot.

So you guys leave the shores of the summer court, then spend the morning and the afternoon over the beautiful Fay Ocean.

Merfolk and sea creatures popping out from under the water, crystal clear seas with bright coral underneath.

Eventually, the wind becomes a bit brisk, and as you reach the autumn court, you see the landscape has completely transformed seasons.

There are beautiful trees with red, yellow, and brown leaves, but outside of the natural beauty, there is a strange vibe.

A bad vibe.

You see several like abandoned hamlets and villages, as well as a few destroyed like keeps and garrison.

This looks to be either the automatons or Charbin's path of destruction, perhaps both.

As you head southwest, you see that the trees begin to lose their foliage.

The land loses its grass and moisture, and it goes from beautiful fall weather to barrens, and from that to ash-covered ground with dead trees all around.

This one feels like jarbon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, Callie, this looks a bit like the winter court, but even there, there are like evergreen trees that keep their leaves and needles.

There's snow.

There's a strange beauty to it.

This is death and scarred land.

Eventually, you can make out the cause of it in the distance.

An iron fortress surrounded by walls of fire.

Everybody give me perception checks.

Ooh, 23.

Cool.

13.

All right.

22.

Cool.

I'll say that with Pass Without Trace on the Serpents, you guys are able to get pretty close, but fly high enough overhead and kind of hide amongst the clouds.

So you look down and you see a lot of figures that look like as tiny as ants, but you identify them as armies.

You see outside of the castle, in some nearby hills, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of automatons.

Whoa.

You get a closer look with some binocular saw and see that they are much less sleek than when Alexandrite was controlling them.

These seem much more analog than the projections and shared consciousness of the old ones.

These are kind of like rusty machines, almost like transformers made of junk.

They look like walking suits of armor.

Some of them are roughly the size of humanoids, but some of them are big kind of titans, like iron giant style.

They have crude weapons as part of their metal carapaces.

They've got like swords, axes, and sometimes crazy spinning hooks and drills.

And they are standing in rows waiting.

And you see facing them are a similar number of fire elementals.

Some of them are up on the like castle walls, and then there's like fire elemental like infantry and stuff like out in front.

There seem to be some kind of talks going on, probably in the castle, because the troops just seem to be facing each other like they're waiting for a command.

Do we see Bare Lane?

You do not see Bear Lane.

Oh, and you do not see Charbin.

So I imagine maybe they're inside.

Does it can we tell who is facing like who is facing the castle and who's facing away?

Yeah, so the fire elementals are obviously defending Charbin and the Iron Fortress, and the Automatons look like they're there to either invade it or are there just protecting Bear Lane or whoever

while their representative is in there speaking to the commander of the fortress.

Bear Lane does not strike me as diplomatic.

No.

No, unless there's like something small in there that she can squeeze the life out of, I think this is going to go pretty quickly.

Yeah.

I'm wondering, do we want to try and interrupt these proceedings or do we want to listen and see what's happening in there?

If they're like making an alliance or if they're arguing, I'm just wondering if, like, we should try and get more information before we barge in.

I mean, should we just try to become invisible, dropping the chimney?

Santa style.

Who?

Sorry.

Should we go try to talk to the automatons

while Bear Lane is in there?

Is that stupid?

I guess maybe we could ask them if, like, they have a leader that's in there too.

I'm going to throw an apple

amongst the automatons and see if they like fire on impact, you know?

Has anybody seen my snack?

I packed an apple.

See how much they engage with.

Yeah.

Okay, so I'll say that.

Just drop an apple.

Hey.

Balnor and the Green Knights in the airships, they park like kind of far away.

They let you guys do like sort of a scouting mission ahead on the serpents.

Callie from the heavens drops an apple.

I want to see how like hair trigger reactionary.

Oh, yeah, if they just blast it.

Yeah.

The meteor witch rains from above.

And Apple hits one of the automatons super hard.

I wasn't trying to hit it.

You hear a loud clank and like a thud as it hits its metal carapace.

You see it reacts and

looks up.

You see...

Some of them have faces that are like screens and they begin speaking to each other in a language that almost sounds like a screeching, like 56k modem.

You hear like whistles and screeches as they all look up into the sky trying to find you.

Okay, so none of them like fired.

That's good.

Well, they're nervous now.

They look like they're on high alert and they're talking to each other.

Yeah, let's throw Callie's snack overboard.

What you pack?

Calder starts rummaging through her backpack.

Lasagna, like off you.

Should we we keep throwing things at the armies that are getting ready to maybe fight?

Okay, what do you think?

Would it be crazy to just go circle up with the automatons?

I think we should land in between them on our giant serpent and divide the two armies, and then we walk towards the automatons.

And I think that hopefully the truce will hold, but I do want to talk to the automatons.

Okay.

He's a lot of people.

Why should we approach

the armies

of our presence?

The best idea?

I'll definitely do it if people are thinking that's good.

I guess my fear is that Charbin and Bear Lane might be in there brokering a truce, and we'll just be out here throwing garbage at robots.

Don't call your snack garbage.

I was talking about your lasagna.

It's the only thing that gets me through Monday.

Clauder chucks a casserole.

Okay, so Claude, are you voting that we try to go in and see what's happening?

My vote is that we insert ourselves in whatever discussion Charbit is having.

Okay.

And do you want to do that by knocking on the door in an official capacity, or do you want to sneak in?

I guess I like look at these giant serpents we're riding and I'm just like, I think we're

in a position of strength.

We might as well go in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Lead the way.

I would, but I'm pretty, I'm feeling pretty peckish.

How do you guys approach on the serpent?

So I'll say I'm giving you, you guys have passed without trace.

You're up in like the clouds, but at this point, you're throwing stuff and you're making plants a fly.

One apple.

You threw one apple.

That could have fallen from anywhere.

Let me know how to do that.

This robot's going to discover gravity.

How are you approaching?

So I think my vote is for...

flying in, letting them see the serpent, but landing safely outside the castle gate.

Sure.

So they kind of like, they see this, they see the firepower.

They have to respect our knock, and they are going to let us in there and talk.

Okay.

I think that's, yeah.

Let's do it then.

But my blood sugar is running really low, so if anybody has a better idea, let me know.

You said you didn't want that apple, man.

I saw you.

Yeah, you called it garbage.

Your words, not mine.

Rummaging through the cupboard for some chocolate chips.

It was mealy, but it was mine.

All right.

I'll say a small escort of like a few green knights in Valnor join you guys.

Kenna's with you guys.

As the serpents land, you see a bunch of fire elemental and like fire Genasi archers ready their bows, like knock it, getting ready to attack.

Is there like a flag of diplomacy?

Not one of surrender, but one of like kind of like we come in peace style.

Right, like a docker is tied to a launch hole.

Yeah.

You fly a pair of white dockers.

I've got some white khakis.

Be careful with these, though.

You don't want to spill anything on them.

Really classy.

Those are for church.

Thanks, yeah.

Wow.

Stonewashed.

Try not to get them dirty or anything.

There's a lot of ash kicking up around here, so just hold the flag high, all right?

Okay, you know what?

Let me watch the flags, actually.

Yeah, I think I should.

Watch the flags.

So, Valnor is waving a flag of white dockers.

You see a bunch of the automatons and fire elementals turn and look at you.

And again, the automatons are

just making sound.

It's kind of cute.

Dialogue.

Can I go over to shake a hand of an automaton with Mar Goblin's scanner?

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

You walk over to an automaton that has another one of these faces that looks like it's like a screen/slash scanner.

And you see, like, you are bathed in red light as you get close to it.

You see, it has a...

I walk so it's like when you're approaching a stray cat and you're making sure not to show your teeth and you're blinking to show that you're not a threat.

I'm like doing that, but for yeah, you see, it looks at you,

uh, begins scanning you, gets red light on your sword, um, but then sees your empty hands, and then the light turns blue.

And as you offer your hand, the automaton offers its hand.

I kiss its hand.

Hello, we are here in a diplomatic capacity.

We are hoping to meet with your your leader, Bear Lane.

You see, it looks over at the other automatons and they begin speaking again in these like high-pitched frequencies and stuff.

Does it seem like that was long enough to scan them?

Yeah.

Okay.

As Callie is talking, can I use tongue of the sun and moon to try and understand what they're saying?

Yes, what is

so starting at 13 level, you learn to touch the key of other minds so that you can understand all spoken languages.

Wow.

That's amazing.

Yeah, so I also kiss their hands and I like stick my tongue out on it just so that I can like transfer my key.

Sure.

Saul, you use this ability.

You kind of close your eyes and just listen to the frequencies.

And

for being, you know, obviously very technological, they are machines.

There is something kind of animal to it.

It sounds, you know, like a whale call or something, like a whale song, sort of like echo location type stuff.

And after a little bit, you're able to get the meaning of it they are identifying you guys as friendly for having approached you in the way that you did but are questioning if you are going to complicate executing the command the command executing the command is their main concern and

They're also talking about

Bear Lane in a way that's kind of sad.

like mom,

yeah,

not quite like she's mom, but more like

it's too bad it's not going to work out with her, but we can execute the command better with Charbin.

Oh, they're making an alliance

without Bear Lane.

I think, are they gonna betray her in that room?

Are there automatons in there with her?

God.

Okay, okay.

Um, I just do like a big smile.

Haha, beep, boop, beep, beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop.

I really hope maybe Mog Goblin can analyze what the command is.

Yeah, that's true.

I mean,

anytime we've heard machines talk like that, it's never good.

Yeah.

I do another curtsy, but this one is shaky.

And then I tip the fire elemental guards with some Emfire Sparks as if they're valet.

Oh,

you see, yeah, a couple of fire elementals come over towards you.

You see that they're wearing like armor on top of their fiery beings.

These look like more like high-ranking guards.

Are you guys wearing anything under that armor?

No.

It looks.

Oh, wow.

Not even a cup?

Not even a cup.

Badass.

I'm made of fire.

I kiss his hand.

We heard a deal was going to be executed, and so we came to help with the execution.

Very well.

Would you like to speak to the High Ember Lord?

He's been expecting you.

Yes.

Yes.

We would.

Yes.

Why not?

not you see the fire elementals uh open up the gates uh and in the meantime you can use this little communicator to send something along to ma probably

um like you know like kids texting in class i'm trying to be like private and sneaky

you're transferring this data to ma

um and i'll say there's even like a little earpiece thing that you can put in as you're being walked into uh the castle grounds and you hear ma responds as she looks through it and she goes, Okay, all right, yes.

I'm walking into the castle, walking into the castle.

Right, okay, you don't be really discreet.

All right, we'll be discreets.

Yes, don't have to narrate it.

Yeah, okay, everyone, everyone, relax, relax.

We're all being discreet.

Yeah, okay,

everyone's being discreet.

Oh, sorry, I'm gonna pass the earpiece around.

Kenna takes it and just kind of translates it for you guys.

Uh, but Ma Goblin goes, okay,

as we expected, the network is offline, so they are no longer a hive mind.

Okay.

But looking here, there's still enough data and capacity in each one that they're able to pull from some of their past experiences and

learn.

So there is a level of humanity there to...

to a certain extent or not necessarily humanity but there's capacity to change essentially

a capacity to learn or grow intelligence there's intelligence okay intelligence but it's based around a very specific command what's the command where you can

see here the major hiccup is that they have one last command that was sent to them by the hive mind before alexandrite died their mission is to get a fey crown

and they're still

way in the middle they're still calculating that they're that they're better off getting it without bare lane and making an alliance with only charbin But this works for us because we want a Fae crown.

Yeah.

If they don't have a command beyond get the Fae Crown, if we can convince them that we're the best side to choose a chance to get a Fae Crown.

Yes, if you can get them a crown, executing that command means they could possibly have autonomy after that.

This is the only remaining command from their hive mind.

Yeah, and if you can convince them that their primary objective, getting this crown, they have their best chance at a favorable outcome by aligning with us.

And I think with those serpents, we're going to make a pretty good case.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you see, they're they're scanning the serpents.

This is so crazy because we're coming from these knights who no longer have a purpose to serve and they're feeling aimless.

And then we're coming to these robots who have who are bound by this one last purpose.

Right.

Yeah, essentially, in out-of-character terms, Alexandrite was puppeting them from the hive Mind, but they, you know, each one still has enough basic intelligence to fight on their own or execute orders.

So even if Alexandrite's not puppeting them at the moment, they still know enough to like, you know, how to defend themselves, how to attack, how to get from one place to another.

So they have like a capacity on their own.

With Alexandrite dead, they still have this basic intelligence and can grow as they're fed more information, but they are bound to the last command given to them by the hive mind.

And if we can free them of this command, then they can roam around the Fey Wild, taking in its beauty,

incorporating all this information of this magical place, and maybe they'll fall in love with it.

They don't have to be what they were programmed to be.

Maybe.

They can choose something new.

So no matter what, we are still walking in to meet with Lord Jonathan.

But yes, you also get the sense that another huge difference between these automatons and Alexandrite is that Alexandrite spread like a virus.

So could literally like kind of raise zombies through like viral technology, essentially.

These automatons seem to be kind of busted.

Like seem like they are offline.

They can speak to each other, but when they speak to each other, they are literally speaking out loud.

It's no longer hive mind.

It no longer looks like it's something where it's like they can shoot wires and take over someone's mind.

It's, you know, they are constructs, essentially.

They're offline.

They're clones that didn't fulfill their original purpose or desire.

There's a place in the autumn court called Vault City.

I think they'd really fit in there.

Vault City?

What's a Vault City like?

Vault City was like a place that me and my sister, my mum, live for just a short time.

And it's like right in between all the courts, but it was like all about...

thunderstorm harvesting.

So I was thinking of all like the lightning rods thinking, oh, that's all metal.

They would do well there.

But now I'm actually thinking they'd just go get...

If they wore like rubber boots, they'd probably yeah, maybe.

So scratch that.

They might like the current.

Yeah.

Sweet.

You guys go beyond the castle walls and then enter the castle itself,

which is extremely Spartan.

Walls black with ash and roaring torches.

You enter the great hall, this big circular room, and see a moat of lava.

And in the middle on a patch of charred earth, there is a molten throne where High Ember Lord Charbin sits.

He wears black armor, and you can see his fiery body beneath it, like a giant furnace.

Behind him, it looks like the castle goes deeper, and there are more rooms beyond it.

But in here, you see he has a few fire elemental attendants and guards.

There's also another one of these automaton titans with like rusty, mismatched parts and a drill arm.

And the automaton kind of has its head down.

And you see, as you enter the hall, you got Green Knights along along with you and Balnor.

Charbin laughs and goes,

Well, well, well, if it isn't the little ants I met on the material plane, here to pledge your allegiance to the Empire!

Wow.

Cool it, buddy.

We've got some thoughts to discuss.

Do you now?

I look at Saul.

Excited to see where this goes.

You see,

looks up and goes, Why don't we make sure our mouthy friend here is reminded who who holds the power here um and you see a couple of the fire elemental like elite guards block the exit that you guys just came in through

you guys didn't see what we pulled up on did you

guys you hear did the rumor mill pass forward the uh oh you're snakes you think snakes stand a chance against the might of the empire

yeah yeah hmm you're right you probably don't want our snakes yeah you probably don't want our snake here's the deal Charmin.

I think we have to fight you.

He looks...

Wait, what?

I look at more than them.

What the fuck is that?

What the fuck?

What are you...

You guys were so good at diplomacy last time.

I know.

Well, it's really changed ever since we talked to Ma.

So this would really get us in good with a Coralo.

You see that.

Charmin, what have you been doing?

Like, you've raised half the Fay Wild.

It's smoldering.

Places that were once, you know, representative of the beautiful seasons have all been reduced to a generic ash.

A generic ash?

The great ash of the empire.

No.

I want to see leaves, beautiful dead trees.

No, leaves quickly falling into leaf piles.

There's not a leaf pile for anyone to jump into and make mischief.

No!

Sometimes, sometimes there are forest fires.

It's a natural

I don't think this is a controlled burn.

Is it a controlled burn?

Is that your intention for everything to grow that?

Yeah, that's what we're afraid of.

It's a little much.

It's a little much.

Okay, but I was under the impression that you were having discussions with Bear Lane, yet you're just in here kind of like raving about how you're gonna control all the Fae Wild?

What happened?

Raving.

More like speaking truth.

Bear Lane did a good job creating chaos in the autumn court, but she is no longer fit to lead them now that it is time to rule.

She has been dealt with.

Dealt with permanently.

Like.

Quasi-permanently.

You see, he throws a bit of dust onto a brazier, and you see an image in the smoke.

It is Berlane banging up against a force cage, trapped somewhere in the castle.

And you hear her screaming in the projection.

She goes, Let me out!

I still want to fight you, Charmin!

I want to fight you.

Trash can, help me, trash can.

And you see, this automaton with a drill arm looks down as she's yelling for trash can.

Oh, trash can turns on her.

Trash can, how could you?

Okay, Calder, you need to try and get a honeysuckle in here.

This is just turning into a fight.

Anyone else feel that?

Oh, absolutely.

We are freeing her.

Yeah.

Okay, I want to command.

i want to cast command on the automaton and say drill okay callie

as you go to cast a spell out of the corners of the room you see

a counter spell is cast and revealing themselves you see

the six remaining fate bringer mages enter the room what you see things immediately get more tense as uh the green knights go to pull their swords.

Yeah, Balnor, lower the dockers.

You see, Balnor goes, fuck the dockers.

He lights them on fire and gets ready to swing them.

Yes.

Call your fucking serpents in here right now.

Calder whistles loudly.

Calder gets ready to call the serpents.

You guys begin hearing shaking in the distance and fighting outside.

And Charbin goes,

You fools should kneel while you still have the chance.

I've been offered a marriage proposal by Queen Jovir and have gracefully accepted.

Our alliance means destruction for all who oppose.

We knew we were gonna have to deal with you at some point.

Might as well be now.

Can I

face step more than 60 feet away from the Fatebringer mages and then cast greater invisibility on myself?

Basically, Fae-step out of the counterspell range.

Yeah,

okay.

Everyone begins drawing their weapons.

You begin to hear the

earth quaking outside as it sounds like the fire elementals and probably the automatons have engaged with the serpents and honeysuckle has begun doing his work.

Green Knights draw their swords.

You guys draw your weapons.

You're about to have the standoff.

Callie Face steps, which is a skill, not a spell.

She's get away from the Fatebringers.

Yeah, and I want to try to find a perch or face step somewhere that I can find a perch because I've cast greater invisibility on myself out of the counter spell range to train this anti-magic Aquabus on them.

Callie, like a sniper, perches up in the corner of the room, invisible, and gets ready to blast down on the Fatebringers as the High Ember Lord Charbin draws his giant war hammer.

Bow to the mighty of the Empire!

or burn.

And that's where we'll end our session.

Getting hot.

Omans are getting hot indeed.

To see if you guys can convince Trash Kin to join your side.

You know, I'm on it.

Yeah, we got it.

I mean, I've got, okay, I'm trying to think of, because I have like Emissary of Peace, which I call Emissary of Beasts when I work with the serpents, but it's going to be Emissary of Beat Beeps, maybe.

Emissary of Beasts.

Emissary of Beat Beeps.

Yeah, we need a little garbage disposal.

So good.

Yeah.

All right.

We'll talk about this more over on our short rest.

Patreon.com/slash NADPO.

That's NADD POD.

Don't sing yet.

Don't you?

Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug?

I'd love to plug Brian Murphy's birthday.

Oh,

happy birthday.

Happy birthday, folks.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear merch.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No plugs this time.

Take a day off.

68 years young.

Wow.

It doesn't look a day over 65.

Thank you all so much.

There's no better birthday gift than getting a good episode in the king.

Love that.

Trash can that is.

Yeah.

Trash can.

We're throwing this one out.

We'll rep con it next week.

Yes, we're going to wrap this one up.

Thank you all so much for listening.

You can follow us on social media that or may or may not use at CH vs Me at Caldeys Caldwell, Addie's vs.

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Caldwell, Huge Caldwell Stranded, Michael L.

S.

II, Jacob the Purveyor of Shenanigans, Carl B., Plumber of the Realm, Parcel, Dex, Riddlewell, Hannah A.

Ra, Ace Dregs, High Lord of Critzburg, Darius D, Troy's Mom, Finn Diagram, GKC, T He T He, Catamilius, The Consumed, Bart of Holding, Clinton P, Spooky Cam, the Undead Frog Man, Dean, Jake W.

High Mom, Tuesday Cross, the Choose Your Own Adventure Writer, Not the Porn Star, Steve L.

Alex G, Zibby DeBaccery, Nicole, Katarina C, Lady Jacqueline P of Castle, Whitestone, and of course, Potato Punk.

Thank you, everybody.

That was a head gum podcast.