VOTE '24 Mixed Bag Mixtape: Best of Patreon D&D Courts

Hey everybody, Murph here.

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Welcome back to Dungeon Court, everybody.

We're back for recess.

Oh, yeah.

I climbed to the top of the jungle gym and I broke my fucking arm.

Oh dude.

Yeah.

It's really gnarly.

It's out.

It's out.

Should I go see like the nurse or something?

It was really cool when you got to the top, though.

That was rad.

We all thought you were cool until you got hurt.

Then we ran away.

It was the way you reacted to getting hurt.

Yeah.

You started squawking so well.

Turns out you can't fly, man.

If you broke, if you broke your arm.

I think I hurt my wing.

This is a great surprise-rob question.

Your friend falls, breaks their arm brutally, but keeps squawking and saying, I think I broke my wing.

How do you react?

I think, honestly, I'm like, God damn it, why am I friends with comedians?

And then I just assume that they're doing some jokes.

Just a bit.

Stop doing bits.

I help them and yell at them.

Yeah.

Tell me, is this a bit?

Okay, I'm assuming it's a self-serving bit.

Because if it is, it's hilarious.

Anyway, I take him to the vet.

Yeah.

With that, let's go ahead and throw to Bailiff Jake.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Crit is back in session.

Yes, we're back, baby.

Drum drum.

Drum drum.

The honorable supreme crit justices Axford, Murphy, and Squawk presiding.

Squawk well.

And our first case comes from some guy who likes chicken.

Whoa.

They write.

To the magnanimous justices, I present the case of the surprise squirrel suit.

May it please the court.

Whoa, I'm sorry.

All right.

So far.

I'm playing a campaign as a level six warlock who mostly sits back and snipes with Eldritch Blast.

You guys.

I haven't talked for two sessions and no one noticed.

I am a quiet cousin.

I hate to mention this in the last episode, but doesn't quiet cousin sound like one of the gods in Game of Thrones?

Oh, yeah.

The mother, the Smithsonian.

The sister of the quiet cousin.

You must pray.

What if they ate?

Well, you always forget about the quiet cousin because he's so damn quiet.

You don't pray to the quiet cousin?

The repetitive turns got a bit boring, and I wanted to develop the play style a bit, so I decided to multi-class into fighter when we next leveled up cool Okay, I spoke to my DM and he loved the idea even asking me if there were any bits of loot I wanted to find to complement the new build

I told him I'd love some better armor since as a warlock I was extremely squishy and wouldn't last long on the front lines.

Yeah, I think I know where this is going and I'm yeah, do you want me to guess?

Yeah, yeah,

I think that the armor is gonna be a squirrel suit.

Oh gosh.

I really hope it is.

Go on Jake.

Yeah, we did wait so we did so many bits.

We did so many bits that I forgot.

A couple of sessions later, I'm breaking into random rooms at the tavern looking for stuff to steal.

And my DM told me I'd found a set of armor that would fit me perfectly.

He looks so proud of himself as he describes

Oxford was correct.

A full squirrel costume.

What?

It's an armor, though.

I mean, I've seen like some of those like fursuits at like conventions.

You know, they look pretty sturdy.

Yeah, I guess you know, that would serve as leather armor for me.

Mascots need something.

I get what everyone's saying, but if I said, if I was like, I'm just gonna go put on my armor and then I came back out and I had a fursuit on, wouldn't you be like, yeah, that's not armor, though?

That's a bad description.

Some knights have cool, like, antler helmets.

Yeah, dude.

Takes the tiny out.

I don't need a chance to get it.

I do agree that while a fursuit fursuit would be a, would work in some ways that are defensive,

just describing it as a suit of armor that would fit you perfectly.

A squirrel suit of armor suits.

If you said squirrel suit of armor, then a suit of armor, yeah, I know, but the squirrel is silent.

A suit of armor.

Like the cousin.

It's a quiet cousin.

You find a suit of armor.

Okay, let's hear the rest of it because I want to know what's wrong.

Exactly.

We haven't gotten to anything wrong yet.

He looks so proud of himself as he described a full squirrel costume complete with a giant taxidermied head and tail.

Great.

Yeah.

He told me this magic item would grant me a climb speed equal to my walking speed.

I asked how much AC it gave me, and he said it's just the same as basic leather armor, which Murph mentioned.

This checks out, yeah.

Oh, this is unfortunately buttoned up.

Basic leather armor is already what I have.

As a level six genie warlock, I can fly whenever I want to, basically for free.

So what the fuck do I need a climb speed for?

Yeah, yeah.

I raised my concerns after the session, and he told me if I was going to be ungrateful, then he wouldn't give me what I asked for next time.

I understand that deciding what loot to give out is the DM's right, but justice is you must realize that I never asked for a novelty onesie that provides exactly the same protection as what I'm already wearing.

Am I being a spoiled brat, or did my DM go nuts for a bad joke?

That's good.

So

it seems like they're mad that it wasn't an otter suit because that would have granted swim speed, which would have been nice.

Or just like plate map.

I have great news.

I found this from the homebrew pages, the squirrel folk armor.

Oh.

It's a homebrew.

So don't worry, your DM had to make this up.

Squirrel Folk armor is light armor that has been enchanted to make you lighter and provide a small amount of combat flexibility.

While you wear this, your AC is 11 plus your Dex modifier.

You have a plus one bonus to your AC.

Your base climbing speed equals your base movement speed, and you have advantage on dexterity checks to climb.

And what about a negative 10 to charisma?

See, I feel like you could have given like some extra bonuses to the squirrel suit, like the ability to carry a squirrel suit, Caldwell.

Maybe.

Wait, I realize what's wrong.

The player said, why did you call it a squirrel suit?

Just say it's a Chippendale suit.

Exactly.

Say it's from from the Chippendale brunch.

This is authentic from the Chippendale brunch.

Chippendale brunch?

Isn't that a Disney thing or something?

I think there's like a character breakfast.

I don't know that they do brunch with just the

science says this.

Brunch?

Chippendale?

Definitely the character breakfast merch.

I did it.

Do we not agree that calling it the Chippendale brunch?

I don't know what's tripping you up here.

I don't know what's chipping you up.

All you have to do is

you're at the character breakfast.

If I was just like the Donald and Goofy lunch, you just

go to the restaurant and you're like, I'm here to get brunch with Goofy.

Yeah, I'm just here.

I'm here to have a late lunch with Donald and Daisy Duck.

Yeah, I'm meeting Jafar for brunch.

Jafar here for second dinner or

is that just with uni dilly and Louis?

I'd like to get cocktails with Moana.

I need a lot of alcohol.

Oh, God.

All right.

Yeah, clearly, you should be able to trade this in,

but only for a different animal.

I will say, as this was being described, Caldwell had his hands up.

Like, why would you be upset about this?

Because He loves, he just loves this idea so much.

I think it's possible that your DM misread you and like thought you would like this.

It's possible that there's something coming up that you're going to need a climb speed for.

And the DM is like,

it's such an intense fashion statement.

I feel like every magic item that you give, you have to be like,

if you really want them to use it, you have to be like, plus it morphs into however you want.

Right.

It's also, yeah, as the DM, you do, again, as the person that kind of like can decide the fun to a certain extent, it is the difference between like giving a squirrel suit to Caldwell Tanner or giving a squirrel suit to Jake Hurwitz.

One is going to think it's very funny.

And the other one is just like, I kind of don't want Hardwood to wear a squirrel suit.

Well, okay.

He will wear it and be embarrassed by it.

How difficult is it to carry it?

Because it's very funny if it's like, all right, I'll hang on to it.

And then you find a situation where you need a climb speed and then you have to begrudge it.

It's funny that it doesn't answer

this crest.

It's not, it's like technically honoring what they had talked about, but it's not because the warlock wanted AC because they're

in the melee.

But it is very funny.

Well, you can put armor over the squirrel suit.

Yeah.

It's also the description of it being

a taxidermy is so funny because it's a huge suit, right?

It's like a person.

Yeah, right.

How many squirrels died to make this?

Because there's diarrhea.

There's no weapon.

Oh, like a dire squirrel sword.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, this is funny.

I'm picturing someone in like a rainbow wolf fursuit like rolling into the dragon's lake.

I do have a question mark.

Does it specify in D and D if you can layer armor?

I believe you can't.

They wouldn't let you do that.

I mean, it would stop you.

You couldn't wear like five sets of heavy armor and just have like the nastiest AC.

Definitely not.

We should have gotten some giant armor when we were in the frigid north.

I think, yeah, leather armor and stuff is dependent on you being able to use your decks.

And I think if you're over-encumbered, you're not going to have high deal.

Yeah,

you're screwed.

And you definitely can't just wear double plate.

I knew the answer was no.

I kind of asked because I assumed it would be funny to hear your speaker.

Emily does bring up a good point, though, which is like in Baldur's Gate, there's like an option where you can just turn off how the armor looks.

If you're like, I just want like the vanilla look of the character because that's good.

I do think you should have the option to be like, could I get this as like a magic pendant or something?

But they don't even.

The squirrel suit was just them getting trolls.

Well, they already have it.

Yeah.

They have a fly speed.

We have a fly speed?

They're a genie.

They can fly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I didn't even think.

Okay, well, now you've found it, though.

You got to hang on to it.

It's controlled.

Because someone's going to need it at some point.

It is true that, like, I feel like you've been given this gift, and clearly, somebody else in your party is the Caldwell Tanner and wants this.

Calling it a gift is a stretch, I I think.

Yeah, I'm kind of wondering.

You were trolling.

If you're, I genuinely wonder if your DM searched stupidest armor comic.

Yeah, it's, it's, I think maybe the DM thought that you were going to think it was funny and you kind of were just like, huh, okay.

And, and then it made them upset and self-conscious, but it's definitely like not.

No, I.

Look, I guess technically the DM can put whatever they want in any of their treasure chests, but it's pretty clear that they were trying set this up for you.

So they were trolling you on purpose.

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

So you wear it, you only half wear it.

You're wearing the bottom of it, but it's

the top of it is kind of like tied around your waist.

You know, really big jeans.

Yeah, so that you don't actually look like you're wearing a full squirrel suit.

Just half of one.

And then when you're about to get into a fight, then it's so much shorter to put it on.

You can kind of use your first turn.

To have the same AC.

Yeah.

The The same AC in a climbing suit that you don't need.

Really baggy hoodie, really big jeans,

like a bucket hat.

Yeah, okay.

So like you just kind of look like maybe you're a squirrel folk or something.

That's fun.

Or maybe you look like Alvin from Albany Magnes because you got like the baggy hoodie on.

Jake's just completely silent because me and Jake just want to look cool.

Jake's quiet because I don't know.

Can I look like Robert Baratheon?

Yeah.

That's the only animal on armor that I could handle.

When he had an idea,

I'm just so tickled by this question because it's like crystallized something in my being where I'm like, every one of my characters could rock.

Yeah,

yeah.

That's the question I'm going to start with whenever I do character creation now.

Could this guy wear a squirrel?

Could he wear a squirrel?

Could he rock answers?

Yes.

Always yes.

There we go.

Stag is cool.

I could do elk and nothing else.

Yeah.

I think I can do anything for one episode.

Here's the thing you can.

I think getting armor is one of the easiest things because literally just everyone you fight has armor on.

Like you'll just you'll loot this in a fight.

That's a cool idea.

Literally, just like, what kind of armor is this person wearing?

Just

fighting, yeah.

It might be fun.

It might be fun and funny to try to roleplay trading it.

Re-gifting your armor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It just seems like, yeah, they make it like really noble.

Be like, I want you to have this squirrel suit.

This is handed down to me.

You put the squirrel suit in their hand and then put push their little fingers over it.

A thousand squirrels died for this suit.

far.

That's pretty fine.

I do think if you have like a DM NPC, you could definitely get the squirrel suit to them and make them wear it.

Oh, I don't think this is going to waste.

I'm picturing Kenna in the squirrel suit.

It's very fun.

I mean, I would hang on to that squirrel suit because someday a climbing speed is going to be fun for someone.

Someone's going to need it, even if it's like an NPC or something like that.

Yeah.

But you should also get other options.

I just feel like, I know, I know definitely throw goofy shit in all the time, especially we're currently in a FA Wild Arc.

So take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I put in lots of goofy shit, but I will say that usually things are funnier when it's just like someone who takes themselves very seriously, just like face plants, is much funnier than being like, I'm a little squirrel.

Just being like, silly, I'm silly.

It's a troll gift based on the request, which was, I want to be more involved and feel more activated on my chest.

I want want to engage with your game more.

I want to play with you.

Yeah,

the DM trolled you on purpose.

Yeah, I mean, I think all of us fully are on your side here.

So now we need to punish your DM.

The DM was under no obligation.

DM needs to wear a squirrel suit.

The DM was under no obligation to work a character brunch.

Oh,

they have to introduce Chippendale brunch.

You have to play your next session at the character brunch.

I've got a very special guest for this arc, Chippendale.

Come on out.

Yeah.

Chip and Dale.

Yeah, just to be clear, the DM was under no obligation to just supply you with like a chest full of armor.

Right.

But it's very strange to talk about it beforehand, being like, let me get you what you need and then troll you.

And then when you're like, huh?

Really, though?

They go, well, if you're not thankful, then I'm not giving you anything.

That's strange.

So that's why we're ruling against the DM, not because they didn't.

They don't need to give you anything, but they also don't need to give you the squirrel armor.

They don't need to tell you that they're going to give you something and then lie to you.

Yeah.

The only way this really works, I think, is if the AC is like 22 on the squirrel armor.

Yeah, if the squirrel armor is a little bit more like a bunch of things.

Oh my god, that would be so.

And if it just took like acorns, then it may be

right.

It should be tough as acorns.

Yeah.

That's a tough nut to crack.

A tough nut to cut.

It's a pretty tough nut to crack, yeah.

You get 16 AC on there.

I really like it.

Yeah.

I'm seeing acorn epaulettes.

I'm seeing like almost like a coconut bra, but of acorn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You have to build your whole character around this now.

Now you look cool, so this isn't a problem anymore.

And like, yeah.

Oh, wow.

You could just fill the top part with acorns.

Yeah.

We have maybe

trying to make it uncool acorns.

Yeah.

I've got an acorn bra full of acorns.

Tiny little acorn beanie.

Okay.

So ordered, our next case comes from Joel

to the esteemed judges and bailiffs.

Joel Joelle.

Joel, nice.

Yeah, you mispronounced it.

I swear to God, I didn't.

To Joel, the name is Joel, dude.

Joel, I don't know why you said Joelle.

Joel?

Come on.

Joel.

People are also named Joel, but this is Joe Space L.

Can we stop for a second?

We need to talk about this, Jake.

It's just like you normally are good with the pronunciation.

Wait, is this?

That was kind of interesting.

Oh, this is interesting because if it's Joel, then it's actually Joel.

But if it's the name Joel, then it's Joel.

Right.

So which one is it Joel?

It is technically Joe.

It's the one that makes me wrong.

It's

Joe's base L.

I mean, I think I'm right.

Yeah, it is the way

that they were throwing an L against their capitalize just to make it look cool.

One of Superman's Skryptonian cousins, Joel.

Yeah, go on.

Go on.

Okay, I will.

I will go on.

I wanted to this entire time.

To the aesthetic judges and the bailiff, Jake number two, I present to you the case of the salty shield spam bard versus the deceptive DMPC.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

On a day where I didn't have time to DM a full session, my players asked if we could just run a non-canonical PvP in an arena in two teams.

Oh, yeah.

PvP.

I said I would be happy to adjudicate rather than use my DMPC, a rogue designed to support the party in combat, but my players said that I should join in.

At the end of the PvP, it came down to me versus a bard, who I couldn't hit because he kept using shield.

Looking to get around this, I had my DMPC walk away 10 feet from the bard, at which point he made an attack of opportunity, which he missed.

I then walked back up to him and made my attack, which hit.

And when the bard yelled shield, I reminded him that he had already used his reaction.

My rogue then did enough damage with sneak.

Rules note, my ally was within five feet to kill the bard and win the fight for my team.

Judges, I cannot tell you how livid this made my player.

He got so mad that he left the voice chat and didn't come back until the next session where he scolded me for using my knowledge of the game to my advantage.

In a non-canonical TVP?

That's what this is.

Yeah.

I argued it wasn't even my knowledge of the game, but rather my knowledge of him, knowing that he wouldn't be able to pass up an opportunity attack, even though it wasn't his character's forte.

This is knowledge that you've literally...

If somebody got me with this, I would just go, oh,

nice one i'd be like that's awesome great fucking move no dude you're not supposed to use the fucking your your knowledge of how the game works to play the game you're not supposed to do stuff we're supposed to just stand there and see if you roll high yeah you're supposed to guess man it's also i would argue that like using an opportunity attack that's like good dnd knowledge right there i feel like this wizard was like trying to be clever being like uh uh uh opportunity attack so like you're one-upping them it's just that's fun yeah yeah it's a tete a tete he eventually left the group for other reasons, but I still often wonder if I meted too hard for a silly non-cannon fight.

I humbly await your judgment.

For sure enough.

Especially when it comes to PvP, it's not like you're really sitting there role-playing.

Literally, you're playing Warhammer essentially in that moment.

Like you are, you're metagaming to a certain extent because you're sitting there and you're fighting against other players.

You know their characters to a certain extent.

Also, anytime you're playing like a character who fights, they are probably learning how to fight and know how to fight and know some of the rules of fighting.

Yeah, yeah, like within the within the game, people would know that you can't swing and cast a spell at the same time.

They would have been in enough fights that they would be like, huh, I've noticed.

Yeah, your character would know that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Especially a cunning rogue whose whole thing is like reading people's movements and sneaking up on them.

Yeah.

And this character also knows how the game works.

I feel like I've yet to hear a metagaming complaint that I actually buy.

Yeah, with the exception of people like literally whipping out the book and like looking up character stats, that's the only thing that's happening.

Yeah, yeah, that would be

different.

Yeah, anything else, I'm like, your players are at your table, they're engaged, they're interested, they're talking strategy.

I'm not going to like get mad.

Don't fault them for paying attention.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the metagaming arguments, typically, I'm going to side with the person who doesn't care.

Let's just go ahead and punish those bars.

Yeah, this is.

I think as a general rule, anytime you store, like you storm off and then later come back and your head.

And you're still mad.

You didn't just sleep it off.

I'm not a good look.

Yeah.

Because, I mean,

it's still wild.

Like, I don't know.

Again, I could see something like this happening.

Emily getting one over on me like this.

And we've heard it on the show.

I go like, God damn it, my guy can't use this cool shit.

Yeah.

And then I lose.

And that's just.

I would imagine it's a little different because when you're a DM and they get one over on you, it feels so good.

um, so I can imagine it's not precisely like a DM, but I mean, I still think it's wild, but it's a wild reaction.

I can't even justify it,

even with like, especially with like PvP and stuff, and doing like teams or a free-for-all or something, somebody's going to get like targeted first.

There's going to be like three-on-ones, there's going to be like, yeah, like, how are you?

And it's not canonical, it's just a goofy thing you did one time.

Yeah, it's so funny how, like, metagaming is always like, you beat me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You weaponize knowledge.

Why did you know how to play at me?

That's just a cool, yeah, that's just a cool moment.

Yeah, I think that's fun.

I think you, you know, honestly, they've already been punished.

Yeah, you fucking punished.

But I do think that they should have to do a character brunch for everybody.

Yeah, character brunch.

Which character should they dress up as?

Stitch, maybe?

Stitch.

They go around, they sort of rattle the table.

You know, we're going to make trouble.

Stitch is a Gen X.

Yeah, Gen X.

Gen X, you have to role play as Gen X to yeah, you have to go around to different tables and talk to the dads about Smashing Pumpkins.

Say, do you remember when you could smoke inside at Russell?

Yeah.

I think

a lot of the parents are millennials now.

They're not Gen X.

Yeah, you are.

Gen X has Gen Z kids.

They're not, you know.

Yeah, wow.

Wow.

It's crazy to think about.

So it's going to be tough to be Gen X stitch

because the millennials are going to be like, I don't know, I didn't really listen.

I mean, I listened to Smashing Pumpkins, but not every millennial did, especially not the younger people.

So you're going to need to look for the older dads with like the teens and college-aged children.

Yeah.

But they're probably not going to be at the character brunch as much.

Wow.

Shit.

And then sort of like, you got to imagine that management is watching this saying like, Gen X Stitch isn't landing with the brunch crowd.

And so then your job is suddenly precarious.

And Gen X Gen X Stitch was such a hit like 10 years ago.

Yeah.

So maybe switch it up because all the dads were Gen X.

They loved it.

Yeah.

I could see this getting frustrating.

Yeah.

And then storming off.

And then coming back the next day and being like...

And still being mad.

Yeah.

So then you switch it up and you do Boomer Pooh.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Winnie the Pooh.

Oh, Winnie the Pooh.

At first, I was just like, you shit.

As a boomer, what?

I got there.

You know, we got there.

Yeah, you're walking around without pants on.

You're like, why is everybody so sensitive about this?

Yeah.

Boomer poo, Gen X stitch.

It's the worst.

Murph, do you want to do this for Halloween this year?

I call Gen X Stitch.

What?

I don't want to be Gen X.

He's not going to be Boomer Pooh.

You're Boomer Pooh.

Everyone vote right now if Murph.

Should Murphy?

Should Murphy?

Raise your hand if you think Murph should be Boomer Pooh.

God damn it.

There's no

video.

Honestly, he already

Boomer Pooh.

Even though I have the irreverence and sarcasm to be Gen X Pooh.

Yeah, I could be Gen X Pooh.

What is Gen X Poo?

Listen to me.

Okay, Mud Honey.

Hello?

Raise your hand if you think that Murph should be Gen X Pooh.

Oh, like once a week.

It's a week.

What about that Mud Honey reference?

You guys, I didn't even know what Mud Honey is.

Raise your hand if you're still feeling Boomer Pooh.

Two hands way up.

Emily's more of a boomer than me.

Emily, you know more about Glenn Zeppelin and shit than I do.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's actually Gen X too.

What?

No, it's not.

I think it could be.

I think being into class, that was your classic rock.

I know.

I mean, everybody's into classic rock.

Various things.

Come on now.

All right.

Oh, that could be your tennis.

Remember, Gen X Stitch owns a record store, so I actually know a lot of music.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

God damn, it's buttoned up.

It's buttoned up.

It's unfortunately buttoned up.

Buttoned up.

Unlike your pants, which you're not wearing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Which are off.

All right.

Oh, bother.

Oh, bother.

Oh, bother.

Bother.

Oh, bother.

Why is everybody so sensitive?

I can't even use a plastic straw for my honey.

I'm not allowed to say honey anymore.

You got to be careful about who you say honey to.

Boomer poo's maddy cat.

Back in my day, I can say honey to the waitress.

Boomer poo is so mad.

Okay, no, this has this has legs.

Yeah, unfortunately,

unfortunately, Boomer Pooh has Boomer Pooh has entered the NAD podcast.

Every time a new shitty character squeezes their way into our terrible universe,

Boomer Pooh is under the voice chat.

It's so fucking stupid because it's also

They're both technically owned by Disney, not even really, because now

it's in the public domain now.

Oh, is it?

That means we don't have to do it.

Technically, we can make boomer boomers.

We can make boomero pooms.

Technically, we can make

shit.

The boomer poo bucket has come.

Holy shit.

What I was going to say is it's so fucking stupid because Pooh has like so many other characters that are are like in his world that are going to compare Boomeroo with Jet X

Stitch.

It's so fucking arbitrary.

It's so arbitrary.

Yeah.

Oh, just a bunch of Heffalumps and woaxels over there.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, he's afraid of the woke souls.

That makes sense.

Okay,

I guess let's sentence this.

I don't remember who was wrong.

Bard?

Boomeroo.

Let's sentence

Bard.

Let's sentence this Bard to buy boomer poo merch.

Yeah.

It's got a lot of it.

We have to move.

Everyone needs to work hard and get their own 100-acre plant.

We have to move on.

It has too many legs.

It's too goddamn good.

It's running away with this.

It's boomer boo.

Boomer poo is too good.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, so ordered.

Please, so ordered.

So absolutely ordered.

Our next case comes from Zach M.

Hello, pious justices and honorable bailiff Jark.

Jark?

Jark is a fun name.

That should be your surfing name.

Oh, that's true.

Jark and Texas.

Oh, Jark.

That's really good.

This case lies not during a DD session, but before.

I bring to you the case of the Mike's Harder.

My DD group has been playing for about a year and a half.

We play at our DM's house.

We'll go there about two hours before a session just to hang out and talk.

Usually, one of the players, generally myself or my boyfriend, will decide to get snacks or something to drink to have during our session.

One day, my boyfriend stated he wanted to go to the gas station and get an icy.

I decided to come with him.

Before we left, I asked everyone, including the DM, if they wanted, quote, anything.

The DM stated that he was good and didn't want anything.

When I was at the gas station, I walked by a beautiful can of Mike's harder lemonade and I decided, spur of the moment, to get one.

I hadn't previously known I wanted alcohol until I saw the luscious can of Mike's hard lemonade.

Sure.

When we arrived back at the house, our DM saw the Mike's harder and was upset.

He said, Is that a Mike's lemonade?

Which I responded with, no, a Mike's harder.

Jake, did you see this?

Did you get tricked?

So this is brought to you by Mike's Harder.

You have to tell him.

The DM said, awesome move, dude.

I guess I'll go back for some time.

The DM was jealous.

We all enjoyed a cool, refreshing

and everything was perfect.

And we watched Deadpool in theaters.

The DM then said, well, if I knew we were getting alcohol, I would have asked for some.

That's interesting.

Here's where the case lies, Justices.

Our DM states that when asked if anyone wanted anything, this did not include alcohol.

The other players and myself are on the side that, quote, anything includes anything.

We are a very happy DD family who still razz our DM about this to this day.

But should we let this razzing lay to rest?

I humbly wait for your judgment.

I think you should elevate it by always bringing mics harder now.

Yeah, I think you should always bring one cam.

Well, now that this is sponsored, yes, of course.

You can't drink just one.

I'm going to give a little, first off,

you're right technically.

I do, though, think that, I think you give a little bit of a heads up.

Like, if we're partying, like, are we partying through?

Like, you got, like, let me know.

Let me know if we're, let me know if we're partying.

Maybe I want to party.

I was so distracted by thinking this was an ad and contemplating if it was secretly an ad that I forgot that it's more like, it's more like, oh, I didn't know that you were going to have some reason.

I would go for a video.

I'm going to get an icy, and you just assume, and I get it, you shouldn't, you shouldn't assume,

but you assume that everybody's just going and getting snacks and stuff.

Yeah.

Somebody comes back with alcohol, you're like, I didn't know it was that kind of party.

Maybe I I would have had, maybe I would have had to be.

It's true.

If I see someone with a drink, I'm like, oh, are we drinking?

Right.

Yeah, what's the vibe?

You got to do a vibe check on this.

Right, because that's the vibe.

The vibe changes, right?

Because if somebody comes back, if you guys all go out, right, and you're like, we're going to go get Caldwell and Icy, and then you come back and everybody's got like...

tall boys.

I'm like, oh, I said I didn't want an IC.

Yes, I said I didn't want anything.

Right.

But I think I would be like, but from the gas station, you don't really think of like the alcohol being there.

You're right, though, that it's like if you all went out to get ices and then came back with tall boys, there should be like a, oh, actually, we're picking up tall boys because it is a change of narrative.

There's a change of

vibes.

It's true.

It's a different.

It's a vibe shift.

You should get a chance in the group chat to text, let's go with a lot of

things.

And that means, do you want anything alcoholic?

Exactly.

That is true because if someone said, do you want anything?

It feels insane.

If someone's at a gas station and they said, do you want anything?

It would be insane to be like,

yeah, get me a twisted tea.

Yeah, can you just get?

Yeah, because you're not there.

You're not seeing.

Can you give me one huge beer?

But also, like, think of all the friends that you haven't drank with before.

That is right.

It'd be so weird to be like, yeah, dude, get me a twisted tea.

It is

staking a claim for you.

Yeah, it is.

Is twisted tea an alcoholic drink?

Yeah, okay.

We're not sponsored by it, though, so just bring up Mike's Hard Lemon.

Just bring up Mike's Hard Lemon.

Yeah, which one?

I think Twisted Tea is disgusting.

I need a Mike's harder.

No, we are not.

We're only sponsored by Angry Orchard.

Not the other ones.

We're not sponsored by any of this.

I do think that it is a tough ask, and we got to think about that on the DM.

Because if you're saying, hey, we're going to get an IC, we might grab some other stuff.

We're going.

Yeah.

I might not want to, because that is like, I don't know.

You don't want to be the one person that's like, yeah, grab me a six-pack.

I'm going to sit here and drink by myself.

There's a permission structure with alcohol where you're like, oh, you're going to drink?

I'll drink.

Yeah.

And there probably should be, right?

Because sometimes when people drink, they act a certain way and it's kind of like are we all opting in

I really like being the diffuser in this situation I always roll up with a six pack and like I put it in the fridge people can have it if they want I'm probably gonna have a beer too.

I'm gonna have a freaking lager if I'm playing some TV.

But that's establishing the vibe.

Yeah.

You must be the vibe bringer.

You know what?

I think that we can actually rule against the person who submitted because I think that the fact that you showed up with just one alcoholic drink.

Yeah, it's a vibe tease.

It's a vibe tease.

It is a little bit of a vibe tease.

The thing is, okay, so.

It's a twisted vibe tease.

That was obviously a generous read on the DM's part, but at the same time, it is the classic, like, you say you don't want anything.

But now you're changing your mind?

What if you convinced me

only to abandon it?

I'm just having interesting conversations here, okay?

I'm saying.

A debate, a public forum.

Yeah, I'm trying to defend the DM, saying, like, here's a case for the DM.

And now the case against the DM would be saying you don't want anything is that you don't want anything.

But I'm going to say, though, that like asking someone else to pick up alcohol, you never know what is their relationship with alcohol.

You can never assume that that's on the table unless you know that.

True.

I got to say, yeah, I don't think that anyone's at fault here, but I do think it is a kindness to, when you're at the gas station, you text a pick of the mic's harder.

Yeah, and you let him, I'm going hard tonight.

You let him know.

And then they might say, I don't want mics harder.

That shit sucks.

I hate that.

Hey, all right, edit this out.

Trevor, if you're listening, actually, don't edit it out.

Just edit out Emily saying she doesn't like it.

It's so sweet that I get a headache from the sugar before I even feel the alcohol.

Give me an angry orchard.

All right, so edit the second part of that out.

So she's just saying, it's so sweet.

In general, I fucking hate sweet drinks, and I hate the combination of alcohol and sweetness.

Establishing the vibe shift.

I think beyond that, it's the awkwardness of it.

It would feel rude to ask someone for alcohol if they didn't have a lot of people.

When it's offered.

When it seems like a nice little trip,

if people were like,

we're going to go get ice cream.

Does anyone need anything?

I wouldn't be like, oh, beer.

Yeah.

It's true.

But if you don't give the DM a chance, anything is way too broad.

Yeah, people came back with tall boys and

I was like, I thought you were getting candy.

I'll give it tall boys.

Imagine if you came back with a t-shirt and the DM was just like, I don't know you were getting t-shirts.

Well, I I said anything, dude.

You could have asked me.

And I would not be on their side.

I would be like, that's wrong.

You show up and you've been to a pet store and you all have geckos now.

I think this is going to be a.

I said anything.

I believe the vibe shift precedent that we are setting here, I think it's going to be controversial.

I do have to raise that.

I do think that we're,

I'm starting to feel confident in that.

We can offer to re-litigate it, you know, like in future submissions.

Maybe this could come back up.

Maybe we could.

Maybe we could hear from some people if they're like, actually, this is my perspective on the vibe shift.

But I'm going to say, I'd be happy to read some public opinion, but

I don't think it'll make me change.

I think

it's brief.

Should we, let's establish the vibe shift precedent?

Okay, vibe shift precedent.

Anything is not anything.

We know this, right?

Yeah.

Do you want anything?

You don't establish that.

That is in the narrow context of this gas station and the icy.

Yeah, it's narrow context of the gas station.

I think like, yeah, you got us in the cheeky text.

You got to be like, actually, I'm going hard tonight.

And as social media from the orchard.

As social cowards ourselves, we know that it's hard to ask for a drink if no one else is drinking.

Yes,

it's vulnerable.

Yeah.

You confident people out there might not understand what we're talking about.

All right.

Yeah, we're rolling against

you.

Live shift slash social coward punishment.

Okay, so I think that the punishment here.

What was it?

What was an unearned Razzing?

What was the name of the thing we've used in the past?

Wrongful Raz.

Wrongful Raz.

We're establishing a wrongful Raz thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a wrongful Raz.

Yeah.

Okay, it's a wrongful Raz.

You need to go to the gas station and get some fresh, cool, refreshing, much harder lemonade for your DM.

And then you have to bartend in a Chippendale suit.

Ooh!

Wait, like Chip and Dale?

Chip and Dale.

Isn't that both things?

You're going to be in like a Chippendale Rescue Ranger suit, but it is going to be sexy and you're going to be like, ooh!

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, I'm into that.

I was going to say, like, Dale's nose, nose but uh chip's leather jacket whoa that's a good combo but new from

super whoa

so sexy so sexy so ordered

our next case comes from are chip and dale gen z go on i will

no way no they're they might be boomers

what they're fabric are you kidding me ancient i but i think they're timeless in a way i think they're I think they're always Gen Z.

Oh, well, I guess.

No, no, no, but they're actually.

Well,

Stitch is like eight or something.

The Stitch precedent.

But like within Canon, Stitch is Gen X.

We've established.

I think we're going to be able to do that.

Depending on how long we've spent in gestation to so that's an interesting because Stitch does exist in a timeline in the like in like a in almost like a modern world.

I don't know anything about Chippendale.

Do they like live in like a tree or do they?

I can't believe we're going to get sidetracked.

It's insane to me.

It's insane.

You can say that some cartoons are timeless in their age and then the others born when they're drawn.

But in Chippendale, in DuckTales 2018, when they reboot it, like, are they like a younger generation?

Because they definitely exist.

They'll probably be acting that way, but we see through it.

We know that.

Oh, okay.

Like, they were incepted.

Is Alvin and the Chipmunks nine?

Like, is it possible that they're part of, is it called the Greater Generation?

The Great Generation?

Yeah, the Greatest Generation.

The Great.

Is it possible?

That's why it's Chippendale

from the Greatest Generation.

Sure.

Did Chippendale Dale serve?

Sure.

I think sir.

They were drafted, yeah.

I think that's why Chip knows how to fly.

Okay, okay.

Let's

have another question.

Okay, yeah.

CPL Thrawn writes: Esteemed and revered Supreme Court justices and ignoble bailiff.

I humbly ask for your ruling on the rejected side quest conclusion.

For some background, I have been DMing a campaign for the last 14 years.

Whoa.

Currently, they are level eight.

Yeah, so a long-running campaign.

Level 8.

They're level 8.

Whoa.

You are a tease.

What a grind.

To allow players to try out other builds.

We occasionally play little adventures I call jump campaigns.

It's a few adventures we may or may not go back to that's at different levels in different locations in the same world.

Cool.

It's great as it gives the players and myself a mental stimulation and has let me build out the world more.

Great.

I love that.

The incident in question was a one-on-one story I did with one player who happens to be my wife.

The story was done over Discord over the course of a month.

It helped me understand some of the BBEG strategy more and build out how I wanted interplanar stuff to work.

She defeated the villain, and I thanked her and told her that's where we would wrap it up.

She responded with a simple no.

To keep things short for you, though not me, we are now about two years into this campaign.

Whoa!

What?

It's not her only private campaign in the same world, and I'm afraid that running three long-running stories is affecting the quality of each.

I do enjoy everything.

I just don't want any players to suffer from my growing writer's block for all of these constant adventures.

It's your wife.

Can't you just say, hey, I'm feeling creatively tapped?

The answer was no.

Happy wife, happy solidifying.

No, it's a complete sentence.

It's just the wife playing this.

It's a one-on-one.

Just the wife.

Wow.

I guess some wife get it all.

Jealous.

You don't solo DM for Emily?

I could.

Hey, Jake and Carl, do you solo DM for your wives?

Of course, all the time.

Really?

I can't get Joel to respond to any of my texts or emails.

Yeah, I'm about to.

We have a really advanced role play about who's going to use the car and like who's picking up the kids and stuff like that.

It takes place, like, it takes place in like a world really similar to ours, but like a day forward.

Exactly.

It's called Google Calendar.

There's There's definitely, there's a part of this that is very nice.

It's very sweet.

Yeah, right.

It's really like a compliment.

She loves your story.

But you might have to, if you are feeling, you know,

creatively drained by all of this, you probably do have to pull the plug on the one-in-one.

Yeah.

One-on-one.

There's a very real possibility that your wife is doing this to be like nice and kind and positive.

Or think she's like a razzing thing of like, no, we got to keep going.

Yeah.

You know, also, like, also, she's clearly just having fun and that's a compliment in itself and probably wouldn't be insulted.

We'll continue having fun in other campaigns.

Yeah.

So I think it, I don't think that there's a lot of things.

You can decide if it's, if like playing D ⁇ D together is something that's fun for you, you all to do one-on-one.

You can do something where your wife DMs it if you're feeling drained, or you can do something where maybe you don't have to prep.

Maybe you run like combat things for fun or something like that.

Like there's lots of ways for you all to do it where where you're not writing you know like epic stories also you asked to wrap it up and she said no two years ago so she might be more open to it now you've you've done two years i also think like it it's so it wouldn't be even rude or anything it would be totally normal to be like hey i'm like feeling pretty depleted i love playing with you one-on-one what do you think about taking over the dming we can start a new thing like that wouldn't be like wrong.

That would be like totally normal.

I also feel like you could just take this into like the more casual realm.

Like it sounds like you're just chatting about a world and a story and it seems fun to just keep that going without kind of like the formality of a dm yeah that's a one-on-one like solo dnd session just be like hey let's just talk about this let's go to dinner and we'll talk about this world yeah yeah yeah em and i honestly do do that where i don't give her any spoilers or anything but we will be like oh what kind of like thing are you thinking for the yeah like what kind of adventure would you like to do or things like that we talk about that stuff let her in yeah

let her into the dm realm and especially if you're not i mean for us there's certain limitations because I can't give spoilers because this is like a recorded thing.

But if it were a home game, I'd be even more fast and loose with stuff.

I'd be like,

not going to tell you the big, you know, twists or anything like that, but I think you're within your rights.

This is wife's privilege, yeah.

Yeah, you talk to your spouse about stuff.

Not like cheating or anything like that, but it's like, would it be cool if there was a town that was kind of inspired by like the witcher or something like that?

Like, you could talk about shit like that.

I know.

I specifically for Twilight Sync Torm was like, what kind of character do you want to play?

Because I know Murph like DM so much, so I really wanted it to be a character that he was like excited to show up and play.

So I was like talking to him, like, what kind of character would you want to play?

And then I kind of built the world around what he wanted to play.

Yeah, and same thing with

the Fae Wild of campaign three is M came to me with like oh, a bunch of pictures with pictures of things that like like these are things that Callie remembers from like her childhood.

What's cool, what's not.

Yeah, yeah, because I was like, I want to know stuff from my childhood, but like I don't want to, I don't, it felt like too high of stakes.

And also, since we'd been to the Faywall before, I didn't want to be like, I didn't want to totally moonshine and throw curveballs in there.

Although that is also funny.

I also feel like there's a lot of prepless world building games that you two could play together.

I'm thinking of like Quiet Year.

There's like one specifically about like planetary world building.

I can't remember the name of it right now, but like there's a lot of these games out there that like don't involve as much prep are more about like just collaboration and storytelling together.

So like if you're looking to shift things up, I think you could do that.

I think ultimately, probably what's, if it's anything like me, what burns me out is having to prep a lot, having to do a bunch of sessions.

That's what's hard.

If I wasn't prepping, if it was just a, you know, we're going to do this one-off and we're going to use this other system that's maybe a little bit simpler.

I don't know that I'd be burned out in the same way.

I think that that might be a little easier for you.

So maybe say, you know, I need a little time off from

all this homework.

I think it'd be interesting to find out if she's like, if you're just like, do you want to try DMing?

Yeah.

She might just be like, yeah, there's

a bunch of solutions.

I think, yeah, you've got a writing partner right there.

Unleash the power of wife.

Yeah.

This is all really nice, constructive

feedback and advice, but somebody needs to be punished.

That's true.

So I do think

it's maybe the wife.

Yeah, that no is for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're going to have to punish the wife to DM.

Yeah.

There we go.

We did it.

Wow.

It's perfect.

We saw an actual happy ending.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And if actually actually, except you do have to.

If anyone wants to wear a squirrel suit and get the character running,

we have some DMIs.

The wife does have to put a squirrel suit in it.

It has to be set in Ravenloft with no birds and

Roomer Pooh needs to be a DMI.

Boomer Pooh needs to be Strahd's right-hand one.

Yes.

Boomer Pooh replaces Strahd.

Oh, he bought Castle Ravenlocht for $5,000 in 1987.

His father bought it and he inherited it.

God, that's so fucking funny.

Okay, that sounds awesome, actually.

So ordered.

And with that, we actually have, we've got another doozy of a confession.

Oh, do you know what I mean?

Two very good ones this week.

Five titties flapping in the wind.

Whoa, okay.

Wi-Fi.

Wi-Fi.

Go on.

I don't know, but remember this name as I read the question.

Cool.

Greetings to the illustrious and init, oh, no, what is this word?

Inimitable?

Inimitable.

inimitable,

inimitable.

That's a tough one.

Inimitatable, is that what they mean?

Yeah, inimitable.

Yeah, okay,

I don't know.

Salubrious.

That word, yeah, yeah.

Justice.

Salubrious.

Salubrius, justices, A-T-N-M.

Yeah, dude, we're healthy.

And the beloved baby bailiff Jakey Cakes, I have seizes to bear before you.

Two years ago, I joined a friend's long-running campaign as a level 10 wizard.

Through some lucky stat rolls and feats, I was able to reach 20 intelligence with ease for that sweet maximum spell casting stat.

In our first battle, I reflexively pulled up a monster stat block to see which of my spells would be most effective in dealing with this creature.

Uh-oh.

Tisk Tisk.

We were just talking about this.

We were.

The only metagam that we're gaming that we're getting.

Later, I realized that this sort of information wouldn't be known to a PC without some sort of spell, check, or boon from the DM.

But But instead of resolving to do better and/or confessing my sins, I decided to sin fully and did this for every encounter and every monster.

I don't know about that.

The left-hand path.

Shame on you.

Both preemptively and actively in game.

Jesus.

I rationalized that since 20 intelligence represents the limit of knowledge for most mortals and my character was a researcher.

Listen to your words.

Even you know, I rationalized.

Justices, to be clear, I am not asking for forgiveness because I don't regret it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just bragging.

You're not getting it.

There's two types of confessions that we get.

Either people that are just like, okay, it was my grandma's first ever time playing DD, and I crit on her, and instead I said it missed.

Do you think that I am still a good person?

And we're like, yes, of course.

And then there's other people that are like, I'm lying to all my friends.

I make the game not fun and I don't cheat.

And I'm not sorry.

Wait, I want to hear the end of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go ahead.

Right.

So, to be clear, I'm not asking for forgiveness because I don't regret it.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm tracing the call as you're doing this so we can locate this person.

But if you happen to have meta-knowledge of an encounter or a monster as a PC through out-of-game research or past experiences, how do you avoid acting on that knowledge?

I await your judgment from the ninth level of hell, all-held dice devil, and the birth of the anti-dice.

I like their energy, but you didn't have prior knowledge.

You had present knowledge.

You are the anti-dice.

I think there's a big difference between looking it up

between being like, oh, I've run this as a DM before and being like, oops, I looked up the monster we're fighting.

How could I have possibly avoided

having googled the monster?

We're actively fighting.

It's so different because, you know, I don't know, as a DM, if I see like, if I'm a player, right?

And I see see a blue dragon, I'm like, okay, it's got lightning breath.

I would know that, but I don't know how much, I can't off the top of my head think of what a young dragon, how much HP they have, or what exactly their AC is or what their weakest stat is.

I couldn't tell you that, and I've run blue dragons a bunch.

It's also like there are skills in the game for this.

Like, doesn't Battlemaster have a thing where you can like reveal information?

For sure.

Yeah, yeah.

You can use a point to see through their defense.

The sad thing about this is that I'll bet, had you brought this to your DM, you probably could have had this to a certain extent without cheating.

You probably could have brought this to them and been like, I'm a researcher.

I have 20 intelligence.

Can we add something?

Can we homebrew something where I can't do that?

But that's not what they wanted.

This little

naughty little heel

didn't want to do it above the board.

If any of you came to me with the anti-dice,

we did something like this in Eldermorn where

Fia had her book of monsters

that was like the bestiary, that you could, if you did a good enough history check and stuff, you would be able to look and find some things about it.

Right, right, right.

This person is one of the four horsemen of the dice apocalypse.

The pale roller, I named him.

The pale roller.

All right.

Well,

we can't forgive you because you're not sorry.

I can't forgive you, but I also can't fault your energy.

You know, if you're going to be

that.

Admit to being the anti-dice.

Call yourself the anti-dice, then let's do this.

Yeah, Yeah, may your dice chip and shatter.

Yeah.

There's nothing we can do for you.

You're beyond saving.

May Dice Christ have mercy on your soul.

And ours for having heard your story.

Shit.

Okay.

Yeah, we condemn you, I guess.

Is this our first condemning?

This is kind of fun.

Yeah.

Wow.

We rebuke thee.

We rebuke thee.

You have to move to Ravenloft.

That's, of course, being taken over by Boomer Pooh.

Yeah.

No birds for you.

Really?

This is Boomer Pooh.

Boomer Pooh has it good, though, is the problem.

Yeah, and Boomer Pooh doesn't understand TTRPGs.

Yeah.

Those are for Satanists.

Yeah, but

then fine.

You have to be Boomer Pooh's roommate.

Yeah.

Boommate.

Yeah.

All right.

So, punished.

That was weird.

Dungeon done.

Dungeon.

Dungeon Dungeon.

Dungeon.

Dungeon.

Welcome back to Dungeon Court, everybody.

Dungeon, Dungeon, dungeon.

Court is

from recess.

That is our theme.

That's fun.

You know, I've always wanted to pay royalties.

I've always said that the Dungeon Court theme isn't copywritten enough.

It'd be nice to get pseudism.

Just missing that little bit of copyright.

You know what I mean?

It's like a little sprinkling of copyright if you go.

Judging the case.

Wow.

I think it's worth the royalty.

Wait, wait, wait.

I got the next line.

I'm judging a case.

I'm going to judge a case today.

New York.

Oh, wait.

Crit court.

Crit court.

Crit court.

Crit court, crit court.

Crit court.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Good court.

You can leave the New York Inn, too.

It's really New York crit court, so it's kind of like.

Yeah, New York, crit court.

If anyone wants to make this,

please, please do.

Please.

Sinatra's estate suing me.

Can you believe it?

I got their attention finally.

Ruining me now.

Ruining me.

Now you notice me.

Okay.

Hear ye.

Hear ye.

Crit is still in session.

The honorable Supreme Crit justices Axford, Murphy, Cartwright, and Tanner are still presiding.

Jasper just dabbed.

He dabbed.

He realized.

Just acknowledge it.

Wow.

All right.

Well, definitely with that, we can kick things off.

Wilson C.

writes, May it please the court and have some lesser effect on Bailiff Jake.

Thank you for that.

Okay, we were being really nice to you, but that was a really funny one that now I'm turned around.

I just have crit court in my head now.

I want to wake up in the court that has no songs.

I want to wake up in the critty.

No, my version is wake up in the critty.

That never.

Something.

Chris.

This isn't on us.

Someone else has to do it for us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're not improvisers or anything.

Why should it be good?

None of us are musicians.

Well, the problem is we are improvisers, but we're jaded improvisers who now think that unfunny things are funnier.

Yeah, being not funny is funny.

Okay, Wilson Sebrights.

May please the court have lesser effect on Bailiff Jake.

Yes, yes.

I submit to you the case of the impossible song.

Whoa, holy shit.

They're talking about this one.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't think that.

I am DMing a modified lost mind of Fandelver campaign for an experienced group of three players.

There you go.

Yeah.

To initiate an encounter with the Red Brands, the ruffian antagonists in Fandallen.

Oh, I'm familiar.

Yes.

The party sent in its bard wearing a red brand cloak to parlay before launching an all-out attack.

Nice.

Decent.

Decent.

Love the strategy.

The bard, my brother, tried to convince the Red Brands that he was, in fact, a member of the West Haven Red Brands, a distant chapter of their organization.

To prove this, he offered to, quote, sing the Red Brand theme song.

Oh, okay.

That's a swing.

This is a good old-fashioned Caldwell Tanner

digging himself a hole that didn't need to be dug.

So unnecessary.

He was 100% fine.

Like, as the DM, that alone, I'd have been like, okay, yeah, you came wearing a cloak.

You had some basic knowledge.

This is fine with this.

Wait, why did you bring up the song?

This is what Disadvantage was made for.

Why did you bring up the song?

You've made it hard if you don't understand.

You've done this because you didn't need to.

Hold well, why?

You've made it impossible for me to let you win.

I'm going to give this a good old-fashioned call.

This mouth was made for putting shoes in.

I had not established that there was a red brand theme song or that the party had heard any such song.

Of course.

Obviously, much too late for that.

Nevertheless, he rolled a performance/slash deception check and got a 23, 18 on the die plus five.

Okay, I ruled that 23 was still too low to convince the red brands that whatever song he played on the bagpipes was the red brand theme song.

Your brother is nothing if not a character.

Stop being ready to bring

the bagpipes as well.

That's huge.

The encounter delved into combat, which the party won.

I still feel guilty about whether a 23 should have been good enough to allow the bard to pass off the song.

I humbly submit the judgment of this honorable court.

Okay.

Here's what you do: is that like the 23, I agree.

You're looking at a number that you're like, okay, this has to succeed somehow.

There is a way that they hear this song and they're like, we got to fucking talk to the West chapter.

What the fuck are they doing?

Yeah, what are they

over there that's what i'm saying i almost would have had it work in that way where

believed it was real but didn't like

they're just like why is why does the west chapter have this goofy ass song i wonder whether the dia in the dm's mind because i've done this a couple times where like someone basically doesn't ask like callbell doesn't ask when that like effectively would like change something in the world slightly yeah and i'm like i will let you almost convince me with a high enough role to just like change something in the world.

So, maybe this DM was like, if you hit a 25, I'll just make that the song.

Exactly.

And they didn't quite get it.

It is like somebody else playing with your action figures wrong.

Yeah.

We're just like, excuse me, that's not, that's not all real rants do.

But then actually, like, they do quite of a cool set piece with your action figures, and you're like, okay, I'll let it happen.

That's actually a good thing.

I also think it's very fair that you, as the DM, were like, it would be such a high DC for this to actually be real.

But I do think that there was a middle ground where it wasn't real to them, but they believed that it was real from the West Tax.

So

I think M's dead on here.

I think there's two ways to deal with this, which is either you say the DC out loud where you're like, hey, this is crazy.

You need to hit a DC 25 check or something like that.

And I think that that's fun for everybody because then it makes it a gamble.

Instead of when somebody gets like a 23 and misses, oftentimes they feel like you're cheating.

You screw them up.

You screwed them somehow.

You screwed them over.

But once you set those boundaries, I think it makes it a lot more fun.

And then the other way is just to be like, you said a crazy thing.

That's literally what disadvantage was made for.

Have them roll with disadvantage.

And then if they still, we've had this happen on the show many times where it's just like, you guys say something crazy and then you roll an 18 and a 20.

And I just say,

this person fucking thinks you're great.

I love it.

Those are fun moments too.

Yeah, for sure.

It's also a good way to, though, like, even if you just have them be like, okay, we believe you, but we don't like you it's a good way to be like okay you rolled a 23 you don't get the full consequence of this insane plan yeah but like you are also aren't gonna just skate right through with a 23 and a mad plan totally i think the dm is a coward

okay

okay

they did not set a dc a 23 was rolled the song was sung that is now the official theme song of red brands

it's it Jasper brings up an interesting point, which is, I also think that some tables care more about when somebody like quote unquote like messes with the DM's world.

Yeah, some people really don't like that.

Yeah, uh, I find it pretty easy to just be like, yes, there's a Ruby Tuesday, so that's fine.

Like, that's just, it's off to the side, it's fucking fine.

It's also going to find that Ruby Tuesdays.

Yeah, it's a rap.

We already did.

We had TGG.

Yeah, yes, DGI Sky Days.

It only becomes a problem then, like, when we're like, oh, and we want to, we all want to become waiters there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's just like,

I think, I think the problem is this is this is someone improvising something that the DM doesn't have as part of the world and expecting to succeed because of it, right?

Yes.

So I think it's fair to set a higher DC for that, but I think that there are gradients of success below that DC.

Yeah.

And I guess it's about precedent as well, because also I'm not going to have you rock up to every like faction, bad group, whatever, and be like, oh, but I know I can draw the crest, and then you draw a penis on a piece of paper, roll a 25, and that's now the crest of these

war mages or whatever, you know what I mean?

Like,

I do think, though, that M brings up a good point.

That was, I mean, obviously, if somebody's drawing a dick or something, you're just like, Roll a 35.

Yeah, DC 35, and they just love the dick.

Here is one couple of people.

They love the dick symbol.

Here is one counter on the screen.

Then that's a fun moment because the whole party's like, DC35, we can get

it if I get it.

This is exactly it.

This is the one problem with doing this, right?

One problem with setting it up that you know what the DC is, is the party will then fucking

get it.

If the party all wants it that much, then like, I'm okay with that.

Yeah, the whole party working together, that seems like whatever DM wants.

Yeah,

yeah.

The players all setting up the womp dominoes to fall right into your lap.

Like, what could be better?

Yeah, I think saying the DC out loud always just makes it fun.

Yeah.

But yeah, you can just be like, these guys don't believe that this is their theme song, but they believe that you come from a weird chapter that does have a theme song.

That they're going to literally go ransack.

Yeah.

Right.

It also

thematically makes sense that they wouldn't know what this distant chapter of the Red Brands does.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It does just sound like my brother playing the bagpipes also.

I do.

When you write it, you're like, plays the song on the bagpipes.

I'm like, okay, the DC just went up by two.

The DC was a 23 until

they bought the bagpipes in order to do it and they were like, yeah, no way.

Yeah, I think the DM needs to be severely punished.

Oh, maybe the DM has to be woken up by someone playing the bagpipes right next to them every morning for a week.

Ooh, yeah.

Oh, you need to go to the bottom.

You need to learn the Red Brand West theme song on the bagpipe.

No, you have to play the New York, New York crit version on the bag puzzle and sign it to us so we can use it as our new crit column.

That's our new theme.

With a bagpipe full of croissants.

Way right.

Or just take the croissant, you know what I mean?

Yeah, or you can just take a croissant.

You can just take the croissant.

And you won't have to buy bagpipes or whatever.

I could almost guarantee somewhere in Scotland you can find a set of bagpipes that looks like the bag looks like a croissant or something.

I can guarantee that.

That's fun.

That's cheeky.

I like that.

That's really fun.

That's cute.

As long as it's flaky.

Yeah.

I am kind of in the middle on this case because I think I would not have, I would have been like, you absolute maniac, roll with disadvantage, or something, or I would have said the DC or something like that.

But that being said, I think if they rolled a 23, I would have been like, because these are pretty low level, like I've played Minds of Fandelver.

These guys are like pretty low-level, like bandit dudes.

I would have just been like, oh, it's the West chapter.

You got it.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think, I think it's fair to, like, the way that you're describing it, it's fair to not fully embrace it.

Yeah.

With a 23, but

you could find ways to give it.

away.

Yeah, you could even role play, like, these guys feel so embarrassed for you that

you could tell they feel bad for you and don't want to hurt you.

Yeah, and I definitely think with a 23, I could definitely narrate a situation where they're like, do you know what?

That's such a big swing.

Surely you can't be lying.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like, like, that's so unhinged if you're, if you just made that up.

Yeah.

So they'd be like, okay, probably.

Yeah.

Honestly, like, sure.

This is weird, but fine.

This is something that Murph is really good at, which is like letting you succeed, but making fun of you at the same time.

They feel so bad for you.

They couldn't possibly beat you up.

They feel so bad for you, they don't want to engage with you anymore, and they walk away.

Eye contact, yeah.

Tablets.

Do you want me some cocoa as well?

That's the struggle with Hot Boy Summer is getting any NPC to like you guys.

Yeah, it's true.

It's like so difficult.

I'm like, I'm like, how, I like have to like do mental gymnastics to be like, how could these people who are actively alienating everyone?

But I think you handle it brilliantly because you do do this where it's just they give us the information, but they clearly don't like us.

Yeah, they're trying to get away as quickly as possible.

Yeah, yeah, they give me the information just to be rid of you.

If I tell you, you'll leave me alone.

It's a hostage situation.

Certainly.

Yeah,

I'm sure there are people listening who, you know, obviously

play by the rule, like, don't mess with the DMs world.

That's like a big no-no.

So there are definitely people out there who are like, absolutely, I would never do this.

punish everyone who does.

I think that this is kind of silly.

I like it.

It's just kind of silly and collaborative.

It's collaborative.

You sounded like a little amused by it.

It sounds like everyone was having fun.

You look back, you're like, ah, maybe I should have made it work a little more.

And that's cool.

And then just disadvantage if somebody does something like this in the future, I would say.

The fun part about this is in like three sessions, you can bring back like the West Cave and Red Brick.

They're just like, we heard you were telling people our secret songs.

Yeah, they all have so funny.

Or they're like, you've been peddling a bastardized version of our song.

You will sit down and learn the actual one.

They pull out their bagpipes and blow poison darts at you.

Yeah, they're so deadly.

Yeah, your brothers made a horrible enemy.

So, yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's a good punishment.

Yeah, you got to do it.

Because we're kind of on your side, but I think we are going to rule against you, maybe.

Yeah,

I think so.

I think we'll rule against you.

I think you should create the West red brands and have them be bagpipe assassins.

And also, I think that if it's used in-game, it bolsters your enemies.

Like, it's actually so good because you rolled a 23 that that song, if you play it, bolsters the red brands.

Like, all the grunts get get like advantage from the next minute because they're like, yes, this is all song.

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

We love this shit.

In the critty with high DCs.

We should be a lounge act.

Oh my God, someday we can only dream that we have like a Vegas show where we saunter about stage and occasionally roll a dash.

Yeah, and it's tucked, you know, with the tie always on top.

Emily's laying on top of the piano for some reason, even though she's the only one who can play the piano.

Emily, I kind of need you down here.

We're just sloshing martinis everywhere.

The first row has to wear raincoats.

Absolutely pissed drunk.

Off to the show.

Everyone hands out their cuestals for us to sign.

I choke two separate times on the olive and the martini

like 15 minutes apart.

They're too dirty.

They're way too dirty.

We have to stop this show.

Security has to come out and dislodge it.

It's not even like a Heimlich maneuver.

It's like really graphic.

They have to put their fingers in your throat.

We just casually call for it because it happens so often.

Like, oh my God.

We got another one.

We're so unbothered on stage.

Emily's spying a little red in the face if she's gone quiet.

Security, get the olive out of her drinking.

Yeah, that one went down with the pick.

Be very careful.

What a great show.

Cadoodle Kaday.

We're all suddenly 70 years old.

That's what I'm saying.

We're all wearing like sequin suits.

Yes.

I've got a rough.

I've definitely got one of them like frilly rough things like for absolutely no reason.

I want a sequence suit so bad.

Me too.

God, that'd be great.

We're going to wear a lot of people.

Although sequins are so painful to wear.

Yeah, you don't wear them on the inside, too.

But I'm saying, like, if like the armhole, like, it will

scrape you.

Okay.

Well, that's you know, that's for my haters to see me in an outfit that hot.

That's what that's what, yeah.

I think you should wear like under armor long johns.

Yeah, I think you have to wear like a turtleneck under it.

17-year-old Coldwell wearing a sequence suit, a wig under it.

And he can see it through his white shirt.

You see the view.

This needs a big, like,

neon green underarmor, compression shirt.

Everyone that wears a ball, like a ball gown, also is wearing under armor.

That's that's a fact.

Anytime you see it, yeah.

That's what they did in Victorian England.

Like they all had under armor on them.

Oh my gosh.

Underarmor.

I'm wearing compression clothes.

Okay.

It's picturing the turtleneck like holding up my jowls.

Jake continues.

So ordered, I guess.

Renee W.

Renee W.

writes: Hi, Renee.

I'm a newish DM running a a game for my parents my mom a druid bought a staff of the python which is cool and wonderful but hugely overpowered for level five she can summon a giant constrictor snake at will oh this past weekend we played one session over two days with a dungeon crawl and then a boss battle right before we started the second session i told her that i wanted to change her staff to once per day uh use as she had already used it to demolish one of my bad guys and i didn't want them to defeat my bb BBEG too easily.

Here's the thing.

You can't take stuff back from mom.

No.

You can't.

She accepted, but turned red and seemed a bit embarrassed.

And I immediately felt bad, like I took something away from one of my players right before a big battle.

We had a great session.

There were no hard feelings.

The ending was exciting and they defeated the BBEG.

However, I still feel bad and can't help but think I should have handled that.

differently, though I don't know what would have been better.

I beg for the wisdom of the judges and the mercy of the the court.

Thank you.

I have the solution.

In the next session.

Emancipate yourself and you don't have to have parents anymore?

Oh, that's great.

That's one option.

But I think in the next session, you see a rustling in a bush, and then something small and yellow emerges.

It's holding a staff of the python, and its goggles glint in the sun.

B-dabi, papaya, it says.

And now your mom has not just a staff of the python, but also a minion companion.

So to give her more stuff yes so i apology minion i'm reading the staff of the python and it at the end it says if the snake is reduced to zero hit points it dies and reverts to its staff form the staff then shatters and is destroyed

you can kill the snake so i think that it's a one-time usage i think that if the snake dies that's it then the staff shatters.

I could be reading it wrong.

Yeah, it does.

It's just, and it's only challenge rating two.

I I mean, it's definitely tough.

Like, what did they say?

Did they say they were level five?

What level five?

Yeah, level five.

Level five.

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Snake shouldn't be that big a deal.

You got to make harder encounters.

Yeah, I think so.

You got to just make harder stuff.

I think level five to have the snake isn't the hugest thing.

And I think you can work with it.

Yeah, you could have, I think, just pretended essentially that this is just another player at the table.

You should just be.

You're treating your mom with kid gloves, I think.

Yeah, the snake.

The snake is a party member.

The snake is Valnor.

Although your mom sounds very nice, like she was understanding and everything.

It's just that she especially

after you absolutely destroyed her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got her with your B-bag, so I don't know what the big deal is.

Yeah.

I think you need to make her breakfast in bed.

You need to give her

an extra Mother's Day this year.

Give her a real snake in bed.

Oh,

an extra Mother's Day.

Yeah, give her an extra Mother's Day.

Yeah, that's actually

a loose snake.

Yeah.

Mom, I felt really bad, so I let loose a python in your house.

I let loose a rest of it.

I know you liked the snake so much, so, and I can't give it back to you in game now because it would be really obvious.

No, I just let a snake loose in your house.

Yeah.

It won't go to staff form unless you freeze it, which might be tricky.

I mean, I definitely ran into this problem in...

Bahumia in the first campaign of just like giving the characters like way too good a stuff.

Yeah.

But then it was just like, I can't take the stuff back.

I can't take it away.

It just had to make every just all the bad guys have 400 HP.

They're all just so fucked up.

It's so funny because in Hot Boy Summer, I gave you guys so much shit that you never even used to do.

That's true.

You would have truly could be tonight.

You would have been so overpowered.

In the most recent one, I gave you guys like things to get extra temp HP.

What?

Oh, yeah.

There's been other things that I've thrown in your way.

Dave, I used his retainer.

Dave used his retainer.

We're bad at DD.

What do you want us to do?

I think it's just funny hearing you lament that and me being like, I was lamenting that my players didn't use their

items.

Yeah.

I gave you so many toys.

It does seem like there's a way to tweak this because it seems like your mom likes the snake staff.

Yeah.

I think just like maybe nerf it a little bit, but make it essentially like a companion or a familiar.

I don't know.

Wait, what if now?

I have an idea.

So you nerfed it and she was kind of disappointed, but understanding what you can do is maybe start when she summons it the once a day, you can start having, like, doing like sort of like role play animal handling with it.

And if she starts building a bond with it, then she can use it more times per day.

Yeah.

Since the staff of the python is, it's just a one-time thing.

It's literally if the snake dies, then it's gone forever.

Yeah, you could talk to her and strike a deal and be like, hey, this is how it works.

So the snake might get in trouble at one point.

Or if you want it, we can do a, like, just a giant snake instead of a giant constrictor snake or something.

Like how to just depower it a little bit.

Yeah, but it like can always regenerate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's like pretty brutal, though, that like to go from a, I feel like you can't, you can't backpedal the snake stats, but maybe you can, maybe you can make it so that the snake kind of levels up with her.

Yeah.

I just.

have such trouble picturing a scenario where like I'm playing D and D with my mom and I feel like I would do anything to like maintain maintain that.

Like, this fantasy where my mom is interested in playing DD is like so wild to me that, like, if I can, like, facilitate it in any way, I'm going to give her as many snakes as she wants.

When my mom played, she was like, I don't want to fight anyone.

She played a healer and she wouldn't do any damage.

She would only heal.

But she did unleash huge snakes onto the battlefield and kill everyone.

Playing with your mom, all of the balancing needs to be done on your end, right?

You can't, you can't go on there and be like, okay, so here's what we need to do to your character.

Like, just just take it.

In this house, we love DD moms.

In this house, we play D D with our moms.

Yeah.

Snakes are staffs.

We play D D with our moms.

I think you did your mom a little dirty here.

I think there's a way to, rather than just undoing what you did, make it kind of like a narrative role play thing that she can get excited about.

That seems like a really great idea.

That's like a really clever, seamless way to kind of retcon this, I think.

Yeah, I think so, right?

I think just treat the snake like it's another party member.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And bring your mom a croissant in bed.

And kill it if you must.

Definitely a croissant in bed.

And then after she's done eating, pour the crumbs on yourself.

Yes.

Yeah.

And go lay out.

Let the ravens peck you.

And do it outside.

Let the ravens.

Do it outside because these birds should not be in your mother's house.

Or should we fill the croissants with rats so that boa constrictors will come and eat the rats.

Wow, you'd have to put it in the corner.

Because the rats need to be loose, though.

Yeah, that's true.

Rats have to be put the rats in anything.

Otherwise, they're not.

They can't stay in a house.

They need to be loose.

Rats ride loose.

Rats ride loose in this house.

They have to ride loose.

Rats are not even in the house because that would not be loose.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

They have to just be not in anywhere.

You have to roll down the windows if you have the rats.

In a ceiling?

No, no, thank you.

Not for my rats.

So maybe it is a situation where it's like rats and croissants.

So you're attracting birds and snakes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

So ordered, I suppose.

We've been getting a lot of so ordered, I suppose,

today.

Because it started with the point, like, bring your mom croissant and ended with put rats into croissants.

So

no, no, no, no.

We ruled against that.

Yeah, we said

we ruled against rats and so ordered for real.

Keep myself.

I suppose.

There you go.

Look, this has all been normal.

Everything is fine in this court.

This is a rat court, not a kangaroo.

Who are you going to get the snakes there, Bailiff?

That's all I want to know.

At the bottom of the sign, it should say everything is normal.

Everything is normal, okay?

Question mark.

Rats ride loose.

If you throw a croissant at me, I'll breast charges.

Everything is normal.

Praise dice cries.

Definitely so ordered.

Elena, our next case comes from.

Elena writes, dearest, respectable judges and the guy whose name I think starts with a J.

Nice.

You're the guy.

The guy.

The guy.

Still being nice to me.

Not a guy.

The guy.

Get him.

They got my initial.

So that actually changed a lot.

Get him.

I was a long time DM.

I just keep saying that for the whole time.

Get him.

Get him.

Dude, I'm trying to read.

I was a long time DM.

Get him.

Sorry.

And my girlfriend.

I thought it was funny.

Go on.

Get him.

Sorry.

My girlfriend at the time.

My bad, dude.

I'm not going to do it again.

I'm not going to do it again.

You are.

I promise me.

I'm good, dude.

I was a long time DM.

Get him.

I knew it was coming.

Yes.

Nice.

There's no reason why this should be getting funnier every time.

You should see the listening.

This is freaking Dr.

Evil Ziz at once.

Which I loved at the time.

So I'm actually

really enjoying it.

No one listening does.

Yeah.

So now you have to turn Get him into a song as I start reading.

Yeah.

I was a long time DM, and my girlfriend at the time, God, now I'm fucking anticipating it.

My girlfriend at the time wanted to try her hand at running a game.

I was excited to finally be a player and began thinking of what I'd have the most fun playing.

As DM, she was oddly encouraging with me to make broken builds, assuring me it wouldn't ruin the game.

And I was so excited to be a player for once, I didn't think anything of it.

Come to find out in the finale that she'd planned all along for me to be the BBEG the other players fought.

My concern.

Oh my God, this girlfriend is clever.

Yeah, yeah make it so broken oh that's so fun yeah it does so much damage this is oh i love it dare i say get them

my concern how about no player how did this girl keep this secret i'm impressed

My concern is that I was never once approached with this idea, nor did I make it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Obviously, it's fraud.

Obviously, it's fraud.

Whose personality was the type to betray the party?

I confronted her on this, and she just said that she loves the the betrayal twist in stories.

I think she's great, but also this is weird.

Sorry, sorry.

No, I don't take your point.

It's not bothering me because I love portrayal.

This has like the I want to play your grandpa girlfriend energy because it's just like she's wrong, but I'm loving the energy she's bringing.

It's really cool.

I feel like, I mean, this is her first time DMing too, I believe, right?

So, like, I'm willing to fully forgive her.

Well, Y'all want to hang out with her and not play DMD again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just being like, yeah, I don't know.

I love the betrayal thing.

I love the betrayal thing.

Just being like, absolutely not.

Right.

Like, kind of how I just betrayed you, except you'll be betraying the party.

Yeah.

I love a twist.

I haven't played with her since.

Was I wrong?

This is funny, too, because the language kind of turns.

Was I wrong to be upset at the DM instead of

calling my girlfriend?

Hinging the climax of the campaign on something I wasn't informed on with my character, or should I have let her have her big twist ending that she thought of since the beginning?

I wait your just judgment.

No, you were, you were absolutely right.

You were absolutely funny, but it's very funny.

It makes me laugh.

You were right, though.

Yeah, yeah.

If this DM wasn't your girlfriend, we would be like, don't play at this table.

But

it being your girlfriend,

I think it makes it funnier.

Yeah, I think it definitely makes it funnier.

It's just like so, it's so funny.

I love the betrayal.

Yeah, just like, just like stirring some tea.

Knowing what she was doing, like, just the fact that she kept this under wraps,

didn't tell you, then said, I love the betrayal twist, she's a wild card.

Yeah, that is

a good thing to make a broken character.

So I'm just picturing her, like, explaining this, like, right before going to bed.

Be like, oh, by the way, you're going to be the BBEG.

Guys, sleep mask on, put a fire on.

Completely passed out.

Like, you go to talk to her.

No, no, sorry.

Can you?

I won't be up early for work in the morning.

So, can we just not do this right now?

Like, it is, it's such a wild move because what do you gain by not bringing the other person in on it?

Like, it's a pretty

fun thing because you guys could talk about it.

Yeah, I know, especially because you

presumably are spending time together outside of it.

You could be like, hey,

even if she, even if it was right before that, right before the last thing, she could have been like, hey, I had this idea.

I've been thinking about it, do you like this?

It's also, as a DM, it's like so hard when you like can't talk to your players about stuff you want to do like that.

But, like, this is like the one instance where like you're allowed to discuss something because you're planning something cool.

Ah, it just seems like I hope that you can explain this to her when y'all inevitably get back together because you're definitely broken up right now.

The thing I don't understand and would would love to have witnessed is

the experience of like her DMing and then narrating you being the bad guy and you sitting there being like

what?

Yeah, and the players looking at you and being like

you like what seriously

you've resisted the evil time

just imagine

her seeing you looking confused and just like mouthing, it's a betrayal to us.

You see,

Moonshine turns around and stabs Hardwin in the back.

Take it away.

Do I?

Take it away.

I love a betrayal twist.

I do have a real twist, y'all.

Never saw coming.

Is that what you're looking for, Murph?

You perfect.

I do have a genuine solution for this, though, which is like,

Have it be set up at some point.

Make this a consequence of something.

You know what I mean?

Like earlier in the campaign, where like there's like this player picked up a cursed item, but you never found out what the curse was.

And then it's like a moon night situation where every night this player just like gets up and does stuff.

And like this could not happen if they can just, if they just remember to like take the cursed item to like a priest who can tell you what it does or whatever.

But like you just don't, you don't know why all these things are happening or whatever.

You know?

Yeah.

I think that still feels a little brutal without any communication with

a loser.

I'm saying I'd be more on board with that than just fundamentally deciding that my actual character is

the bad guy.

This is a really bad thing.

I, as a PC of the DM, did this, I would just kind of go limp and go with it.

Yeah.

Just be like, um,

yeah, I'm bad.

Okay, I'm really bad.

I'm bad.

I have tears streaming down my face.

Yeah, I'm bad and I'm evil and I hate evil.

So, just to clarify, interesting move, though, you could play it like that.

I'm really sorry, guys.

I'm sorry,

Through tears, power kill, continually looking at the DM.

This is what you want.

But there, I mean, to Jasper's point, you could, if she needed betrayal that bad, she could have seeded something like, like, if you're like a power gamer and you like having a super powerful character, put in like an evil sword or something that makes you more powerful, but does like turn you bad, and then make that character like an NPC later if that's really what you want, but to just be like, you're the bad guy now.

Give him the Arthus treatment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Give him the Arthus treatment.

Give him the Arthus treatment.

Take him to see Arthus.

Well, so I imagine we're sentencing the girlfriend, Deanne.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know what we're sentencing.

It does sound like she maybe already lost her relationship

and her tables.

It's really funny to imagine the conversation.

Like, why did you guys break up?

It's like, oh, you know, well, she, it was like this betrayal thing.

She turned me into the bad guy.

She betrayed me.

Oh,

I loved her family.

They loved me.

We were like, we're just super on board with each other.

I think it's also so fascinating how unbothered she seemed when she was so

red flag.

I think she has to be betrayed in some way.

I'm trying to think of like how to betray her.

Yeah, probably a croissant full of mayonnaise.

Oh,

they say.

Or an eclair full of mayonnaise.

That's great.

It's a chocolate eclair, and then when you bite in, the cream is mayonnaise.

And then you say, I love a betrayal spist.

I love a betrayal twist.

Yeah, and if the person working at the bakery says, don't you love a betrayal twist?

And then you get into an Uber full of rats and drive off.

It was being driven by a rat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When they say, don't you love a betrayal twist?

That's when the boyfriend gets down on one knee.

Holy.

And then you hand a rat instead of a little bit.

You open up the box and it's a little rat

who mutes up Manning.

Why does it puke up Manning?

Because we're sort of going by dream logic right now.

Stream of consciousness.

I don't know why that made me put on the brake.

Well, yeah, Emily, this has gone too far.

Eddie's wearing around his neck an engagement ring, but it's cursed.

A lot of hats on hats.

Rats on rats, actually.

A bit is only good if you've got hats on rats.

So, Jake, go ahead and so order that, if you don't mind.

Of course.

Rick God.

If you could just repeat back, Jake, that sentencing as well, like just all the steps, just so everyone's really clear on what we have in the locked in.

So ordered, you will be eating a cannoli filled with mayonnaise.

The girlfriend will be right.

The girlfriend

declared.

The clerk then says, Don't you love a betrayal twist?

The boyfriend then proposes, opens up the ring box, but it's a rat wearing an engagement ring, and that rat vomits up mayonnaise.

And the engagement ring is.

And the engagement rings.

And the engagement ring is cursed.

So absolutely ordered.

Our next.

King of the heat.

Aaron T writes to the humble and radiant Supreme Justices and the other guy.

I think his name is Jack.

Got him, Scotty.

I give you the case of the double crit.

Me and my friends were playing a campaign with my uncle, parentheses, five years age difference between us.

Why are all these families playing?

There are so many families.

Five years age difference.

Think about that.

Very interesting.

I'm thinking about it.

Think about it.

Think about it, Murphy.

Think about just having a young

uncle.

Yeah.

I have a young uncle.

Seems fun.

And it was one of my daughters got a baby uncle.

Whoa.

Yeah.

It can happen.

I know a thing or two about young uncle.

My niece insists I'm 16.

So she thinks I'm a young uncle.

She thinks you're cool, yeah.

Young uncle.

You have a young uncle energy.

Emily does have young uncle energy.

Uncle, obviously.

ABC's got young rock, but we over here in Nad Pod have young uncle.

It's a young.

oh i love my young

just like a mythical beast the young

witcher our village our village

you'll never believe it witcher he loves rock music but he's only 23

he's seen the stones twice in concert witcher he said he'll buy us beer and it's only a little bit weird because he's only a little bit older than us but he probably shouldn't be hanging out with 18 year olds he marries fortnight witcher go on that is my young that's ageless okay

um okay so it was young's it was one of his first times dming uh-huh in combat he ran at my pc and attacked twice missing both times wait young young

uncle is the dm and they ran at

aaron t's character they missed two times okay i then let him know that another pc should have had an opportunity attack on him and he said okay

he then proceeded to roll his two attacks again and got two nat 20s.

What?

He argued that because the opportunity attacks were supposed to happen before his previous round, combat.

You were just walking it back.

Young's back.

Young's walking it back.

Young's saying that it didn't count because those previous opportunity attacks should have happened before his attack rolls.

I know you're only five years older, but you should know better.

Well, I actually, I was going to say the opposite.

We have to remember that Yonkel is young.

Yunkel doesn't know anybody.

He might all forget.

He might be a cold, but he's also young.

This is a green uncle, folks.

We had a green young.

People are, you need some time to ease into being an uncle.

I argued that they did, and the two crits against my level two warlock was highly likely to kill my PC, so he should just chill.

We argued for 20 minutes, and I eventually told him I'm not taking the crits, so he can either keep playing or go kick rocks, to which he decided to kick the rocks.

And I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks.

Oh my God.

Please pass judgment and tell me which one of us was right and which was being a dirty Jake.

Which is, well, this person called me Jack.

So I don't think that they're talking about me when they say dirty Jake.

Oh, yeah.

Exactly.

They're talking about someone else.

They're probably talking about the guy who's a guest on ABA Book Club.

Love that guy, by the way.

I think that your young was really wrong, but it sounds like you maybe brought some intense energy.

And I'm I'm thinking that maybe the family has some drama.

You've got young drama.

It absolutely escalated too far.

Yeah.

But just to focus on the minutiae of what happened, did they take two attacks for their opportunity?

That's no, no.

No, no, no.

So what happened was the youngle went and took an attack on this person's PC.

Then the person said, oh, actually, if you wanted to come to me, that person would have gotten an opportunity attack.

So then when they did that,

the youngle walked back the entire turn.

Just restarted the turn.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Which I think is, which I think is bad, but it's,

I don't know.

I don't think it's that bad.

I think it sucks that there were like crazy attacks.

I don't think he necessarily kind of crazy.

So he still took the opportunity attack, right?

He was like, oh, well, that opportunity attack would have happened before.

So now I'm going to take the attack fresh.

Yeah, it's weird.

It's weird for sure.

Yeah, it sucks, but like, maybe it was,

it sounds like it escalated.

I'd do that for the benefit of my players.

I'd walk back a turn if it was like if something had happened that meant the player could redo their turn, sort of if they'd like whiffed twice and then I was like, oh, that should have technically happened before.

Do you know what?

Go ahead and do your turn again.

Like make those attacks again.

Like, I think I'd do that.

But I feel like it's a whole thing for me as the DM to be like, I'm going to walk back this turn.

And then I'm going to roll two natures.

Just the DM.

Probably kill your level two character outright.

A DM and an uncle.

You know, you're two different people in that scenario.

Yeah,

you're wearing a lot of hats in that sense.

A lot of responsibility.

Because you're young as well.

That right.

Because you're young.

Yeah.

So there's a lot of pressure.

We do have to remember how young this is.

So I think we need it.

Yeah, exactly.

It's like, first off, your uncle's young.

He's going to make mistakes, but also he's your uncle and you need to respect him.

Yeah.

It's tough.

So it's like.

Yeah.

What a weird sitcom.

The young.

You're almost the same age.

Streaming exclusively on

Tubi.

There you go.

It's coming to Tubi for sure.

I don't know.

I just feel like were I in this situation?

Yeah.

Absolutely, if I roll the damage and like realize that I've missed the opportunity attack and then I like roll a second set of damage because I'm like taking the turn again and I do two crits, I'm absolutely going to be like, oh, that's, you know what?

We'll just take the first set of damage.

I'm not going to crit twice on you like in the first turn of the game.

That just seems like too harsh.

Although you, I feel like his biggest mistake was rolling again, right?

Because you can't crit twice and then be like, you know what, let's ignore that.

Yeah, because then no one respects you.

You show weakness.

You show weakness.

And a young cannot show weakness.

You don't know how many people have a target on that young back.

You're more of a cousin than an uncle.

Almost a family friend.

Yeah, this is establishing uncle dominance.

Yeah.

Just be like, I'm not your cousin.

God damn it.

Honestly, that explanation alone makes me want to punish this play an hour.

The second you roll those two crits, like you have to either, he just should have never rolled again.

Yeah, I agree.

I will say that the kind of lesser crime of doing the like re-rolls is not as bad as I think, as soon as you were like, I absolutely refuse to take this damage.

Yeah, I thought that seemed a little extreme.

I think in that moment, you can't say, I refuse to do this because, like, that's just kind of tough to say to a DM.

You kind of have to be like, hey, I think this is going to kill my character, and I'm really enjoying playing my character.

Yeah.

You know, I just started.

I'm excited about this character.

In which case, you can put it in the DM's head: like, I'm not trying to die.

Play on your young uncle's protective instincts.

On your youngle's older brother instincts.

This player said to their uncle, I'm not taking the damage.

So you're either okay with that or you leave.

And I think that you can't talk to your uncle that way.

I think you can't talk to your uncle or your DM that way.

Even a young.

You made your young leave.

That's

why you made, you told your young to kick off.

I think if you want to be able to have that level of authority at the table, I think you got a DM.

Ooh, there you go.

Right?

Because as a PC, you just don't get to make that decision.

Yeah, what you should have done is you should have said, either I don't take this or I take your seat.

I'm going to come behind the DM screen and just start.

I'm going to become your uncle.

Yes.

The younger uncle.

The youngest uncle possible.

The youngest uncle of all.

Holy shit.

The uncle inception.

That's the thing they don't tell you in families is the uncle is a title it's an honorific yeah you can claim it it does has nothing to do with blood that's true yeah it is kind of it is kind of true you can marry into being i'm i'm i'm i'm married into being an uncle yeah i we had a we had an uncling ceremony and

uncle

yeah

it was crazy it was wildly expensive yeah

we had a placeholder uncle and murph bested him

in combat to the death yeah it was exactly like that scene in black panther Yep, yep, it's exactly that.

That's an unkling ceremony.

Yeah.

You kicked a guy off a waterfall

whilst everyone gathers around watching.

A random hiker.

They're looking for me and him, to be honest.

That was someone else's uncle, man.

Yeah, like that's the uncling ceremony is you just have to go out and find an uncle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And best is just an uncle.

Right.

We can't have that many uncles in the world.

Right.

Like, otherwise we'll have a problem.

Yeah.

So to keep the...

There's the set number of uncles.

Exactly.

To keep the uncle numbers down.

Exactly.

You either have to wait for one to die or go out and find one and kill one.

Yeah.

You also, you do have to take a draft of pure uncleanium, right?

Yeah.

Add it to the sign.

We respect uncling ceremonies.

We respect our youngs.

Anyone can be a youngle.

I mean, I do think that this DM, this young DM was wrong.

This young DM was wrong.

I feel like you could have...

I kind of get the instinct to just be like, let's just roll it all back.

But I think you'd need to be very upfront with all of that and have everyone on board before that happens.

And I feel like this could have been handled less like volatilely.

Yeah.

It was just like, okay, you missed me before.

You got to crit this time.

Why don't we just forget this argument?

And why don't we just roll again?

Yeah.

And that way, like it just feels fresh and we or even just, even just you as a player has to be like, oh, fuck, I think this is going kill my character and you missed last time and then the dm can have clemency rather than weakness by being like yeah why don't we do one crit right you know or something yeah one crit and one miss is like it takes something from the last turn and something from the current one but i do agree that the uncle is fully in the wrong on on the actual

play

but what you totally wrong post game i think is worse and well yeah yeah this that is absolutely correct but i would like to know how the uncle responded when the player was like you're just gonna, that's gonna kill my character.

Like, because that I feel like is a valid thing to say.

Just like, we're let like, we're gonna say they said it could have killed their character,

judging from like the language they were using before about kicking rocks.

He probably said some like tough titties or something like that.

It's probably exactly the word to do that.

Yeah, like if you die, you die, you just have to leave the table.

I guess yeah, did like an Ivan Draco voice.

Yeah, although the young probably wouldn't even get that reference.

No, young young, young.

So young.

We have to, you know, have to have throw them down.

You probably do like a Fortnite

I've never seen Austin Powers fake

has like three very light conspiracy theories because he's not quite like fully.

You know what I mean?

He's not fully in yet.

Yeah, he's not fully.

He's just on some bad Reddits.

It's just like a little bit of a hot mess.

It's not like all the way in yet.

I think I have a punishment here, which is that I think a really young, extremely hot granddad needs to chew both of them out.

Oh,

a granddad that's younger than all of them.

Wow, that's great.

He needs to give them a talking tube.

Yeah, I love that.

Your young granddad.

I think actually the granddad should be a little bit older than the uncle, but like a 29-year-old.

Hey, so it doesn't have to be the uncle's granddad.

It's just a 29-year-old granddaddy.

Yeah,

hey, 29-year-old.

A 29-year-old granddad needs to sit down, the uncle, and the player and give them a talking chat.

Yeah.

And then they can all watch Rocky too.

Yeah.

Or play touch football.

For the first time.

Watch Rocky for the first time because they're all so young.

Yeah, because they're all so young.

Yeah.

Grandpa was not alive when we were in Rocky came back

in the

sevens you fucking go.

No, no, you have to all watch Creed because that's more pure speed.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, Granddad just missed Creed when

all three of these people involved think Creed is the original.

They think that they're like, oh, I thought there's a spin-off called Rocky.

Are you talking about Rocky, the background character in Indian?

From Creed?

I probably got Sylvester Stallone for that part.

Like,

that's a Creed actor for such a small part.

He made some huge choices.

I'm sad that Sylvester Stallone got so little screen time.

Yeah.

Give us more stuff.

Why would he agree to do that?

Maybe there was a movie in which

Jordan featured.

That would be a good movie.

I'd watch that.

I think you need to watch Creed with your younger

young granddad.

And find a 29-year-old granddad.

So it's like a weird family reunion.

Everybody hashes this out.

You watch Creed.

You know how to have popcorn.

You can only eat croissants.

Yeah, there you go.

And you have to, even if you've seen Rocky, you you have to pretend that you didn't.

You should also listen to Creed.

That's a band that was around before your time as well.

Yeah, and Granddad.

I mean, young dad actually knows who Creed is.

For sure.

Young man.

Okay, sweet.

So ordered.

Shall we step into.

Do you guys want to step into church?

Yeah, we need to.

Okay.

We need to go.

Let's end our session with a confession.

This one comes from Lemon M.

And they write, I present a confession.

When I first started playing DD, my character was a bard named Jimmy Crumble III.

She was very good at persuasion.

And when we went on a quest to stop a wizard from scamming this local village, I used my very high persuasion to convince him.

And the DM rewarded me for this by having the wizard give me a magic sword called the Answerer.

My confession is this.

Every time I rolled an attack, I did so with advantage because I misread the text of the sword.

It says that when a creature hits me, I can attack them as a reaction and the attack has advantage.

Since I was new, when I saw that I attack with advantage, I took that to mean I attack all the time with advantage.

I didn't realize I was wrong until much later.

I don't think it affected any combats in a major way.

And Jimmy still died in the end, epically, in a duel, but I thought I should still confess.

Oh,

I think it's okay.

You're in the arms of Dice Christ.

Yeah, Dice Christ took retribution.

You know what I mean?

Dice Christ murdered you.

Yeah, killed you.

That's the only reason you died is because of your own mistakes.

This game is all about making mistakes and learning from them, and you did that.

Yeah, that's too generous.

Giving us an advantage on every attack is a lot.

Like, that's that's you said it hasn't affected anything that made your way.

I guarantee you it did.

And this person is also like, they didn't do it on.

We have so many people who are like, I knew I was doing it wrong, but I kept doing it.

And this person was just like realized after the fact that I was like, they didn't say they stopped after they read it correctly, though.

I think, yeah.

I think you've truly sinned against Dice Christ if you knew at some point and kept doing it.

went back and were like, oh, this isn't as good as I thought it was.

Because we've had that happen.

Yeah, we've definitely had like you misread something and you just correct it from then on.

And if you do, then

yeah, you just, you just, you know, correct yourself moving forward.

Yeah, we've had people confess in this church who like straight up cheated, who knew they were cheating.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

This is this is a yunkel mistake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Went behind the mustache.

Dice Christ, geez, you

such a thin new mustache as well.

just like true, like so well

pencil thin.

Do you think that we should make people uh roll with disadvantage as like a Hail Mary sort of thing?

Like instead of like saying 10 Hail Marys, it's like you have to roll with disadvantage five times.

I feel like Dice Christ already took

him away.

The lot isn't like Johnny Crumb III.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm talking about Jimmy Crumbles the fourth.

Jimmy Crumbles.

When their time comes to shine.

I don't know.

I think it's whatever you feel.

I just feel like like i think just really double check your items going forward yeah yeah

so i was bringing a little too much vanigar in give them a little give them a little twice over yeah like no for items going forward every single item has to be like a little bit worse now yeah although that does sound like such a sick weapon yeah yeah that you can as a reaction attack someone who hit you with advantage great name too sick the answer the answer is so sick it's honestly it's it's more fun than just having advantage on it totally because you get like a reaction super light grinning through like a bloodied face when you get to reaction hit someone is always really sick weapon.

I think I'm just distracted by how sick is it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I want it.

Your punishment is that I have to have it.

Yeah, that's your punishment.

Your punishment is that we're stupid.

Give it to Calder.

Give it to me.

Oh, Callie.

Callie, get it.

Calder is the most insane magical item.

So it makes sense that I have the other one.

I should have all of that.

He knows how to use it.

I got to say it adds up.

All right, I concede.

All right, all you young's

time.

Stay signal and wrap up.

All you young girls and loose rats.

Stay young and stay loose, everybody.

Stay young, stay loose.

I love that.

Watch Rocky.

Stay unclear.

Watch Rocky.

Watch Creed.

Watch Creed for Rocky.

In this house, young people watch Creed for Rocky.

In this house, young cols think Creed is Rocky.

In this house, young kids believe that Michael B.

Jordan is Sylvester Still.

It's not that they think it's the virginity.

It's not that they think Michael B.

Jordan is Rocky.

It's that they think Michael B.

Jordan is Sylvesta Stella.

They think Michael B.

Jordan is playing a character named Sylvester.

What a yunkle mistake.

Absolute yunkle mistake.

With that,

thank you so much, Jasper William Cartwright, for joining us.

Thank you for having me.

Such a fucking funny name.

I'm going to go watch Creed.

Let's all go watch Creed.

I'm going to go double check.

Let's just even watch that one-shot fight sequence.

Yeah, so they actually, I think Yunkles probably think that Creed is about the yunkling ceremony as well.

That's why they were fighting each other.

Yeah, yeah.

That is how

Creed is a young at the end of that movie.

It's all to be

young.

Creed, you can't fight.

You're a young clean.

You got a nephew who's almost your age to look after.

Dungeon.

Dungeon, dungeon.

Dungeon.

Dungeon, dungeon.

Welcome back to Dungeon Court.

Done.

Everybody's done.

I feel like we should go like done, done.

Done, come back.

Done.

Yeah.

Or not done.

Ooh.

Or done.

We do it backwards, nud, nud.

Nud, nud, indeed.

Empoli's was perfect.

No, I'm actually fully on team nud nud.

Nud nud.

What a pivot.

Yes, we are back from recess.

We've got some bonus cases here for Patreon.

So why don't we just throw rights to the bailiff and let him run with it.

Hear ye, hear ye, crit is still in session.

The honorable Supreme Court Justices Oxford, Murphy, and Tanner still presiding.

Nud nud.

Nud nud.

Nud nud.

Check out our hats in the shop.

This year's dilly-dilly.

No one has.

Freaking nud.

Nud nud.

I'm gonna nud.

I'm gonna nud.

Freaking nuddy.

I'm a freaking nud.

Anaki writes, May it please the Supreme Crit and any esteemed critters within earshot, including the hedgehog-esque bailiff Jake.

Hedgehog-esque?

Okay.

I had a little like a hedgehog emoji next to it.

Wow.

And it looks like me.

Jake, could you curl up into a ball real quick?

Yeah.

Holy shit, that's a wonderful thing.

Wow.

Why do I have all these quills?

Jake Hurwitz?

No, Jake, a hedgehog.

Not even Hedgewitz.

I thought that we were going to get some kind of fun.

Nud, nud.

Nun, nun, nud, nud.

I present the case of the Lira and the magic beans.

My Gloomstalker Ranger with plus nine to initiative was trying to get out of his secret basement chamber with no doors, having freed two NPCs who are about to be sacrificed in there.

After failing to escape at first, I planted one of my magic beans from the bag of beans item to potentially creatively use a random result to escape.

I rolled a 95 on a D100 and it caused a 60-foot base pyramid to erupt from the ground and through the building.

My DM said that the two NPCs got immediately crushed against the wall by the pyramid and didn't allow me to roll initiative against the rising building.

I wanted to feed them the last two bites of my gaseous form apple so they could escape through the cracks formed by the apex of the pyramid.

Oh, you are just, you are just beset by magic.

Your DM is

treated master.

Was the DM unfair to not allow me to save them, or should I just mourn silently for my friends that I inadvertently killed?

They must have gotten to do a deck save at least.

They were killed instantly.

Killed instantly.

So I'm looking at the item.

It says a pyramid with a 60-foot square base bursts upward.

Inside is a sarcophagus containing a mummy lord.

Okay.

The pyramid is treated as the mummy lord's lair, and its sarcophagus contains treasure of the GM's choice.

Wow, so more gaseous apples up in there.

So here's my take on this.

The word bursts implies to me that this is a slow process.

Like, it's bursting, sure, but like.

Interestingly.

That's a slow burst.

I'd like to insert into evidence Webster's dictionary of the word burst.

Okay, all right.

It's going to burst, but it's like, if it was like a small structure bursting, maybe it would be a quick burst.

But this is a slow burst.

I think that is the worst.

I'm going to try to defend Justice Tanner here.

I'm going to try to defend him.

It could burst through the earth and then rise.

So it's a burst

into existence.

Quick burst, then slow rise.

Quick burst, slow rise, or me game.

That's what you guys think that this language describes.

If it had said instantaneously appears, then yes, they would be crushed to death.

I feel like the argument lies more in like these NPCs should have been able to prepare a reaction

if I'm planting a bean or something.

I think that there's a really, really strong case for that this person was wronged but it's not in the word burst right yeah yeah yeah but even if okay just say therapy has the way of it how much do i owe let's take burst for its actual definition and say it burst out of the ground okay just instantly but it's under you why would it crush you wouldn't if anything

well it would choke you way up into the air break suddenly and violently apart spilling the contents typically as a result of an impact or internal pressure.

Yeah, so it's freaking blown up out of the ground.

We admit it.

This is not looking good for us.

We fucking admit that that's what a burst is.

And it bursts out of the freaking ground.

Oh,

I thought that you said burst.

Yeah.

Oh, what's that?

We thought it bursted.

That's what it's a slow burst.

It's a slow boil, like a YA.

Exactly.

I rest my case.

Yeah, I think it's weird to not give them any kind of save because even if it bursts from the ground, wouldn't you end up on top of it and kind of like sliding down the pyramid or like fucked up in that way?

I think think that's the interesting thing about a pyramid also is the shape like

it is the point the apex of the pyramid would have pierced the ceiling theoretically before the rest of the room was consumed so this room it's like a drill bit going up don't focus on burst focus on pyramid that was the worst

yeah that's a very good yeah the ceiling of this of this place should have been pierced by the pyramid yeah and beyond that it just feels like this was a really fun idea this is you putting yourself at risk.

And this is something that I feel like this is one of the better outcomes to happen.

Yeah, yeah, I think this is exactly what they wanted, and the DM wanted to like get them with it.

Yeah.

Because, like, I'm looking at the other ones, and it's like other things that could have happened.

A campfire springs forth.

Okay.

1d6 plus 6 shrieker sprouts.

So you would have just been enclosed in an area with monsters coming up.

But instead, you got the thing that would explode the wall.

And also, hey, DM, your players gave you a free mummy.

Yeah, I know.

That's cool.

Yeah, that's a bonus mummy that's guarding just a treasure trove of various apples that will turn you into different things.

Yeah, different gas.

You got robbed.

You got robbed.

You took a chance, and one of the few things that really could have been justified from getting out of this.

This DM really burst your bubble.

Ooh, very good.

Okay, so you mean it didn't work?

I mean, slowly,

slowly peeled back your idea.

That's beautiful to see, to watch that happen.

That slow eruption of a bump.

Yeah, it's weird not to give you any kind of initiative thing or give them any kind of save.

Because if the DM wanted to do this thing of like this monkey's paw where you think you got what you wanted, but then it brings about your ruin, it should be like, but as the thing bursts from the ground, you see in slow motion, as this person's being pressed.

Slow motion because it's happening.

Slow motion because it's happening, because I'm describing it in slow motion.

Not because the burst.

The burst is fast.

I think this is going to fundamentally change my experience of the word burst.

I'm going to say bar.

I'm going to burst.

I'm nutting.

I'm nudding.

I'm bursting with nud.

He definitely burst with nuds.

Oh, boy, for sure.

That was a good nudge.

Good nudge.

Yeah, I'm on the player's side here.

Yeah.

I think you get it.

You got to do a generous read.

Do you guys want to hear the other things that could have happened?

I want to roll and tell me what to do.

Show me them beans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's see what Jake gets on the beans.

So so jake is in this situation he has just saved two people he's trying to get out of a doorless room what did you get okay 13 hard one and the widow and elias stormbourne nice job son

okay 13 done it we're all together we're a family again hard one

bursting from the ground a tree ant sprouts you see the treant's branches go through elias storborn's head and instantly brain him

not yet there is a 50 chance that the treant is chaotic evil and attacks so now give it give me a d20 to see if it's evil

17 it's evil okay whatever you roll those

also it was the bursting that killed him and

also killed uh lydia storm block wow why couldn't it burst

the tree absolutely nuds your parents

god what a knowing nud nudded by a tree

i don't want to think about my parents nudding, okay?

Okay, so this, so the DM's getting punished.

Yeah.

Yeah, the DM's getting punished.

You have to start saying nud.

Oh, actually, let's roll for something on the bean that's going to

nud the leg.

You got to eat those beautiful tablets.

How are you going to be nudded?

Roll that beautiful bean table.

Shit, okay.

85.

Ooh.

85.

That's my birth year.

A nest of 1d4 plus 3 eggs springs up.

Any creature that eats an egg must make a DC20 constitution saving throw on a successful SEG, on a successful SIG, a save.

A creature permanently increases its lowest ability score by one, randomly choosing among equally low scores

on a failed save.

The creature takes 10d6 force damage from an internal magical explosion.

Cool.

So we're going to give you some bad eggs.

Yeah, yeah, you're going to give you a bad egg and gash fingerprints.

Yeah, because you are a bad egg.

You're going to have some gaseous apples.

Yep.

All right, so ordered.

Ray W writes, if it may please the esteemed judges and guest Jake Kurwitz,

welcome to the show, Jake.

I'm so fucking condescending about using my last name.

When it's you, though, I feel like we should pronounce it Guest.

Guest.

Yes.

Guest Jake Horowitz.

Guest Jake Horowitz.

I'm in a high lethality fairy tale-inspired campaign, and my character is a Bladesinger wizard with eight charisma.

Oh my God, Bladesinger is so fucking fun to play.

Despite his low charisma, he's a very attractive circus performer with extensive knowledge of beauty and fashion.

Just very bad at talking to people.

He also has a chicken familiar, which is relevant.

Earmark that one for later.

Do not forget the chicken familiar.

Our party's werewolf barbarian needed a new shirt after tearing his while transforming in combat, and I offered to go buy him something fashionable.

The DM asked for a charisma check.

I I asked if my chicken could give me the help action on this check and they said no because it's a chicken.

Here's my case.

My wizard is very stylish and since you created this chicken, it spent its entire life around a very stylish person and thus has some sense of what's hot or not.

I did.

No.

My cats couldn't pick out an outfit.

Yeah.

Now it does use Velociraptor stats.

Wait.

But I still believe that because this chicken is my character's familiar and best friend, it would be able to nudge him in the right direction.

Okay, here's the thing about chickens: you can teach them to count.

You could teach them to like peck a number of times you want.

So I feel like you could probably teach them to pick out an outfit.

I don't know if they'd be good at it, but I'm saying you could potentially teach a bird to reboot.

You can't arbitrarily flitter to an outfit.

I agree with that.

So I guess

you're saying that fashion is like a numeric kind of thing.

I mean, there's definitely some sort of like formulaic system to putting together a good outfit.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

You can teach a chicken math.

You can lead a chicken to water, but will they look good doing it?

Wow.

This is what I have to say.

I didn't even know.

You've bursted my brain.

I think that it's fun

to have

restrictions put on when you can use a familiar for a house.

Yeah, yeah.

It's fun to ask if your chicken can't.

And then it's fun to get rejected, denied.

It's also fun to get rejected.

And do not press that issue.

Yeah, you can.

I think that's a losing thing.

This isn't the one, right the one to press is when the party's about to tpk and you beg for the chicken you say i'm gonna put them in harm's way yeah can they help with a healing potion in which case you're still gonna have to this is not the hill to die first is not the hill to die on yeah a fashionable chicken i am picturing the chicken wearing high heels though and this is for a shirt that's not even yours yeah right well that's good that's selfless we like that why would the chicken know other people's style

rather

Let's say that this chicken is a fashionable chicken.

It would know maybe its players.

That's actually, wait, that's a really strong point is that everyone looks good in different things.

So maybe the chicken, even if this chicken with Velociraptor stats,

so memorize your style, what looks good on you, my life Little Blade Singer Wizard, is not going to necessarily look good on a werewolf barbarian.

I'm also going to say, if you're walking around with eight charisma, I'm I'm thinking this is like an Ed Hardy ass wizard who just has like flashy stuff on, but maybe isn't looking so good.

This is like a Hanks jean jacket type of situation.

Yeah, I think it is.

I think it is.

I think you've got a chicken, but you're peacocking a bit.

Yeah, you

think you're fashionable.

Yeah, it might just be a little much.

So we're ruling against the player.

Yeah, I think we're ruling against the player.

Unless you want the chicken to go into the store and flap in front of the storekeep's face and scratch them up a bunch so you can steal a shirt.

Oh, yeah, that would be fine.

Yeah.

Right, and then you can get help over the chicken.

That should have been your argument.

Right, the chicken is just deciding because you think the chicken knows what's cool because the chicken has watched your stylish ass.

And with that, I think we've got our punishment.

I think you need to take a real chicken to the gap.

Fall into the chicken.

You need to bring just a regular live-ass chicken and you need to go and pick up the chicken.

You have to wear whatever the chicken picks out for you.

You're going to go buy some new Chinos with a chicken.

Have you ever been in a fitting room with a chicken?

A scared chicken?

Yeah.

It's just going to run right under that door.

Yeah.

That chicken doesn't want to be there, let alone help you pick out a truth.

And it's going to freak out a tree.

It's going to scratch you up the second you take your pants down.

The person comes in, they're like, Is everything okay?

It's like, I think I just need another size.

A chicken does not like this tea.

Turns out I'm banned from the Glendale Galleria because I let loose one bird.

All right, cool.

So you are bringing a foul to the gap.

Andrew.

You are befouling the gap.

Andrew W.

writes, a wise and merciful judges and bailiff Josh.

I come to you with the case of the copycat coworker.

About six months ago, it came up at work that my coworker, who was 10 years my junior, had started playing DD.

I told him that I'd been DMing a campaign that took place at a summer camp.

I gave him more details of my campaign, along with NPC names, places, etc.

A couple days ago, he approached me and told me about his new campaign that not only takes place at a summer camp, but also uses names and other details that I told him six months prior.

Judges, what do I do?

Do I just smile and go with it?

He's a young kid, and I'm always glad to get people interested in TTRPGs.

But now he keeps asking me for details on my own campaign and other ideas I have.

I'm also his boss.

And I have to keep things professional.

Any help would be great.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

I hate to to say this.

You need to chew this kid out.

I hate to say this.

You have to just fucking let this slide.

Yeah, you have to.

You have to.

I think.

Yeah.

No, I think like lean in even harder.

Just like start like showing up with your notes.

Just give them to him.

You could start lying

just

to like see a situation that's weird.

You could just start giving him details that are a little weird.

And just out of curiosity, see if he runs with those weird ass details.

That's really good.

What is weird to me is not the taking something from somebody else because it's just a home game story.

Yeah, that's totally fine.

But it seems like they're not acknowledging it.

That's the part that's funny.

Very strange.

Oh, guess what I'm playing?

It's this summer camp campaign.

Well, I guess at one point.

I'm just picturing this writer sitting there, realization slowly dawning on them.

Like, this is

a kid.

It must be.

It must be a coincidence.

No, that's also the name.

Huh.

What if the kid just had like a really dry sense of humor and was repeating it back in hopes to get a rise out of you, but you just gave him nothing?

That's a classic

classic move on your boss, dude.

Absolutely the best way to approach your boss.

Yeah, the boss thing makes it definitely.

I think in general, it's like, yeah, people are going to steal your ideas all the time.

Or not even, people are going to collaborate with you all the time, right?

But this is a funny situation that you are in because it is just being spoken to you.

Yeah.

But you don't have to be aware of it.

The weird thing about about it is that you have been kind of wronged because somebody is taking your ideas and not even acknowledging it,

saying it back to you, but you're going to seem crazy if you get mad at it.

Yeah, you can.

You're going to.

You simply can't.

I'm trying to think.

Imagine just yelling at a kid and being like, that was my idea.

I'm your boss.

Yeah.

You're in a position of authority.

You're a mentor.

Right.

And you can't be like,

That's my idea.

I think you maybe have to like feed them details from like a very popular D ⁇ D book.

Like if you just start like putting Strahd in there and then like maybe their players will catch on that they're doing something weird.

Yeah.

But at that point,

maybe they're just running Strahd, which is cool too.

Yeah, you could just be like, maybe it'd be more fun if you

could encourage them to have their own ideas.

I think you have to say nothing.

I think you are not in a position.

I kind of like it.

Unfortunately.

Unfortunately.

It's not about right and wrong.

I'm saying in this position, I think you just have to be like,

in my life, it gets weird sometimes.

It's one of those things where it's weird on it.

Like, all you can do is make it weirder.

The more you drill down, you're in the weird situation.

You just have to not

actually be this person's mentor.

You just have to, right?

They seem a little bit delusional, and maybe you need to keep them at arm's length.

Yeah, it's like quicksand.

Yeah, you were in the quicksand, and you were gonna, if you try to fight to get out of it, you just gotta

stay in that.

Those people really are quicksand, like there are humans that are quicksand that you're just like, anything I do makes the situation worse.

Yeah, yeah, But also, you could try, and this is not, you don't have to do this, but

you could try to think of it as, okay, this person doesn't know we're collaborating, but this is a collaboration.

Oh, yeah.

Just understand.

You could be like, oh, how did that go on your campaign?

Yeah, you could just make up stuff that you want to try at your table and see if it works.

How it goes.

See how it flies.

Could you imagine if

we gave this person the advice to confront the kid and then a third party.

This kid's jacking your IP, bro.

A third party would think about this if they were just like, what happened?

Well, one of my employees took my game ideas.

Oh my God, and they like sold it and they made money with it?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Worse than that.

Our

game to play at their house.

They had fun.

It's like, I get it.

I completely understand.

There's just no.

I just love how low the stakes are.

I love it.

I love exactly what Jake said is true.

You're in quicksand.

Yeah.

You could, like, theoretically extrapolate a little further.

You know, like, if he's asking for your ideas, you could just be like, oh, here's the book where I got my ideas or something.

I loaded.

You could just, you know, let it roll up so it's not so personal to you.

But, like, think about your inspirations and be like, you know, share that so they can be inspired by the things that inspired you.

Yeah, you could be like, like horror movies from the 80s and stuff.

It was all like summer camp stuff.

I wonder why this person, like, I feel like maybe this person feels like they can't be inspired by your ideas.

And I wish that they felt like they could be like, hey, you know, that campaign that you told me about?

I thought it sounded really fun.

So I'm running it too.

Yeah.

Because what a normal interaction that would be.

Right.

What a pleasant, fun way to have this conversation not be weird.

Some people refuse the courtesy of normal.

Yeah.

It could just be somebody's being awkward.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, it's neither here nor there, but I do picture that they are co-workers and they both work on an airplane.

Oh!

Okay, so one is

the pilot.

One is the co-pilot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay,

they're stuck in the co-pilots in planes.

In the coppette, I guess ask Andrew W, right?

Yeah, who's Andrew W?

Isn't that the one that's a pilot?

Oh, it's this is Andrew W.K.

What?

Oh, holy shit.

Shit.

You like to party hard.

Married to Cat Dennings or something.

Cat Jennings, Cat.

Kat Dennings, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Which, I mean, I don't know if it's Andrew W.

K.

because I feel like he would have have just brought this up with Kat, and like Kat would have had a cat.

Maybe Kat's the one who steals.

I don't know.

Marriage can feel like a job, and maybe Kat and Andrew are in that mode right now.

And I do consider my wife my subordinate if we're not.

Maybe they're really religious.

So, Andrew WK, just confront Cat Dennings about this.

He does have a couple songs where I'm like, is this about God?

What's going on here?

All right, so that's our advice for Andrew WK to confront your wife Kat Dennings.

Yeah.

And maybe like stop flying that airplane.

You should get back to writing.

You're a rock star.

You should just be performing.

And so, but what's the punishment?

But just in case you're not Andrew WK.

We do have to punish.

Oh, we also have to punish Andrew WK.

Well, I think we're on Andrew WK's side.

But we agree that you just have to live with this.

You just have to.

We also think this is crazy.

We're on your side.

This is crazy.

It's crazy, but you absolutely just have to

surrender to it.

Yeah, it's a punishment in and of itself.

Right.

Your punishment is that you're already in quicksand.

Yeah, great.

You just have to sit with it.

So orders, great.

No, but we have to punish the kid.

No, but we're pushing.

It's not the kid's fault.

What do you mean it's not the kid's fault?

We're saying that this is, they're saying, what can I do about this?

And we're saying nothing.

Yeah, we're saying nothing, but we're still, this is him versus the kid, and we're on his side.

Yeah, but if we were on his side, then we should be telling him that he can do something.

Yeah, and we're telling him that he can't.

The advice stuff is just for fun.

Yeah.

But the decision is to punish.

That is absolute.

It's true.

I think that we're...

I think that...

We're just going to leave this.

I think that, you know what?

We always punish.

Why not just reward them one one time, just for fun, just this once, just this once for reward them instead of punishing them.

Called, well, we can't just go around rewarding people.

This is the supreme crit.

We don't give out accolades.

Yeah.

Just give them one ticket to an Andrew WK concert, and they got to fight over it.

I sentenced this plane to crash.

Oh, Jesus.

Bayless.

I have no power here.

I'm just throwing out ideas.

Your words have power.

All All right,

you gotta bring a chicken to the gap.

I want, I want.

We sentenced them to go enjoy a hot fudge sundae.

Okay.

But

you have to bring a chicken with you to the Dairy Queen.

No.

Okay.

The nuts are too sharp.

We're sentencing significantly.

Sharp nuts.

Oh, sharp nuts.

Okay, fine.

The nuts are sharp.

Sharp nuts.

Sharp nuts.

Okay, but the nuts, you're going to enjoy.

Say all your nuts, be sure.

But the nuds are a little too sharp.

You go to the Dairy Queen and it says Hot Footch Sunday with lots of nuds.

And you're like, is that a typo?

And they're like, what do you mean?

And then they bring it out.

And the nuds are on this.

You see that they're sharp nudes.

And they are sharp nuts.

And we're really sorry for punishing you.

I don't know the format of the show anymore.

I thought we were on your side.

I think we're not on your side.

We are on your side.

We're on your side, but you're right.

I think we're really confused.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go on to a more clear-cut case.

Yeah, okay.

I don't like this feeling.

Yeah.

Preston writes: To the honorable Supreme Crit Bailiff Jake, the bizarre yet bona fide crew, Grace and Anton, and Duncan.

Wow, may it please the court.

Was I wrong for not acknowledging Grace and Anton?

Go on.

Was I wrong for not kicking my father out of our DD session?

Is the thesis case?

All right, here we go.

Oh, we're getting down to the nuds on this one.

I was DMing a game for my 11-year-old little sister.

It was her first time playing, so I put a lot of effort into creating a Mario-themed one-shot where she was the only player.

After casting fireball and a group of Koopa, she managed to make it outside of Bowser's castle just as our father entered the room.

Oh no.

He sat down at the table, but never once mentioned the actual DD game.

Instead, he played loud, immersion-breaking videos from his phone and even started showing us a movie trailer he had seen earlier that day.

He then held in a phone conversation with someone who must have been at a party.

It was on speakerphone.

Instead of asking him to leave or be quiet, we shifted between ignoring him or passive, aggressively acknowledging his Facebook videos.

I was irritated, and I could tell my little sister was too, was I wrong for not telling him to leave?

I'm afraid I messed up my little sister's first playing experience.

Did you know your dad messed up your little sister's first playing experience?

Jake, did you bring us a case where we have to decide if a kid has to stand up to their dad?

Oh, yeah, so

actually, if you were wrong to not kick the father out, oh,

we are going to have a bad one.

You're being too hard on yourself.

We got two in a row of people being too hard on yourself.

Yeah, just

tough social situations.

On your side.

On your side, but we phrased it as, was I wrong to not kick him out?

And we're going to have to give you a little slap on the wrist for that, but we are punishing your dad.

Yeah, I'm going to have to give you a double dungeon.

We're going to punish your dad.

We're going to deactivate your dad's Facebook account.

That's right.

Yeah.

We have that power.

We control airplanes and Facebook.

That's right.

Oh, that is so brutal.

Yeah, this is a rough one.

I would say if you're 11 years old and you had a good time playing at least the first half of the Mario.

Like, parents annoy you your entire life.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

So like this, it's not like your dad could have walked in and ruined D ⁇ D forever.

Yeah,

this is also exciting for the 11-year-old because you're going to get to walk them through an adult experience for the first time, which is like when you and your sibling get together and go, what the fuck was dad doing?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You're just like, what the fuck was up with dad?

That was weird.

That happened to me and my siblings at a little place called Manjas.

What is it?

Manjas.

Is that like an Italian restaurant?

The way you said that, it sounded like everyone was going to go know what you were talking about.

Oh, Oh my god, you were at manjas.

You got a table?

Literally, what are you talking about?

You said that so confidently.

I plead the fifth.

The next question is.

Is it a restaurant?

Is it restaurants?

Tell us at least that.

What the fuck is it?

You hate your place called manjas.

You don't stall manjas.

You didn't reference what your dad did.

You didn't reference what you talked about.

You didn't.

He just said.

The drama is flowing like Chianti at manja.

You guys, I'm just going to keep laughing if I'm correct.

Your dad was being oblivious about something.

You and your siblings laughed about it at a restaurant.

It's coming to me the next question.

I'm busy looking up manjas.

It's manjas.

It looks like there's a couple corporations.

They're a tax preparer.

It sounds like me as a 13-year-old asking for the manja.

She's a manja's restaurant.

She won't tell us.

She won't.

This is so weird.

We must respect her rights.

Why didn't you bring it up, though?

There's Manja M-A-N-G-I-A.

Manja?

Manja's Italian restaurant.

It's Italian for eat, I think, right?

You know what, I'd like to eat.

Another question.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

But I did find it.

Manja Ristaurante and Cafe

in North Buffalo Road or True Park.

That seems like close to your house.

Is there a section on the website for people that aren't allowed to dine there anymore?

Yeah, wow.

There's a picture of Emily's dad.

What's going on?

I have a little page

Manjos.

Manjos.

Okay.

We're going to do for Manjas what we did for Jalapenias.

Yeah, we're putting it on the map.

But

it's kind of interesting that I would have thought that

this generation's parents would kind of

understand like gaming a little bit better.

Because I know my parents, if they walked in on me playing like D ⁇ D or something when I was a kid, which I didn't, I didn't play D ⁇ D.

I didn't even know about it.

They would have not understood and not respected it and just been like,

do you want, do you want a grilled cheese?

I think like something that, but I think that this isn't about not understanding gaming.

This is about being a parental figure.

And sometimes parental figures are just like, I need a little attention.

That is true.

I think that he just was needing attention and he wasn't doing it well.

He wasn't doing it right.

Yeah.

Everybody missed each other in this moment.

One time I was leveling up in the crater in Final Fantasy VII

and my dad made me turn turn off the PlayStation before I could save it.

Wow.

Oh my gosh.

To do something.

I was grinding.

I was trying to get to.

I did eventually get to level 99, but I was grinding.

I meant grinding, like fighting, getting levels.

Crater and grinding.

What?

Making a crater by grinding.

Cloud was grinding.

Cloud was

to get levels up, and I've lost a bunch of freaking levels.

That's tough.

It was tough.

Have you confronted him about it as an adult?

Because

this might be a good guideline for what this person should do.

You want to know a good place to have that conversation?

A little place called Monje's.

Just go there.

I'm going to invite my dad to Mongeau.

Everyone is confronting their dad.

If you need to have a tough conversation with the person who raised you,

do it at Monjas.

That's their commercial.

Yeah.

It's like an Italian guy playing like an accordion, just like serenading.

Let's sentence this family to eat dinner at Monjas.

Yeah, you got to eat Monje's.

Confront your dad at Monjo.

You got to confront your dad at Monje's.

Even though we're on your side,

so the dad is getting confronted.

The dad's gonna confront the friend's dad's dad.

And he's getting confronted.

Oh, yeah.

And just like a bowl of spaghetti at manjas.

So ordered.

Insane.

Insane.

Emily, what was that?

A little place

of manjas.

She leaned back up.

Yeah.

Slammed on.

There's some upstate New York people listening who are like, mm-mm.

Some upstate who are like, yeah, I've commiserated about my siblings on my jobs.

Okay.

Arknon writes to us, to the esteemed seat of rules, Justice Murphy, seat of goofs, Justice Tanner, seat of chaos, Justice Axford.

Wow.

And the mediocre bailiff Jim.

Oh, wow.

I do like the misnaming theme that you got going on.

Yeah, Jim, Josh, Josh the Hedgehog.

That is a good name.

Yeah, there was another one that I didn't pick where they called me Jack, so that was good.

Okay.

I present the case of the stolen healer.

I was playing in a first ED.

I was playing in a first edition Pathfinder campaign.

Go ahead.

Fuck you, man.

First edition Pathfinder campaign.

Sorry to burst your bubble there.

So slow.

And the party was fighting ghouls, which unfortunately sucked one of the other players' life force from their character, Derzel.

Fuck.

Effectively killing them.

My gnome cleric, Rithus Spicy.

God, Rithus Spicy Fingers, was best friends with Derzel.

Yeah,

Gerzel and Rithus, I think feels good to say.

There's a common theme on this show where Jake says the stupidest name possible and we all just like nod approvally.

Yes, of course, absolutely.

A little name,

Derzel.

Gerzel Anal Cream.

So he wanted to mourn the death of his friend and settle near the city that the group basically ran.

I was a heel bot and wanted a fresh new character with better stats and hopefully a little more fun than just heel pass.

After hearing that I wanted to retire Spicy Fingers and play them again later, the DM instead took complete control of the PC, saying, well, the party has no other healer and they need one.

Crit justices, am I wrong in being upset at this years after it happened?

Should I just let the pain of Rithis' agency being taken away from me flow away?

I humbly await your verdict.

Well, I mean, okay, so there's a couple questions.

Should it have happened to you?

No, that I definitely definitely understand being frustrated about that.

Holding on to it all these years later, as you've described it, now that actually you do have agency to decide to let it go.

You've sacrificed your agencies for Rithis's.

Was Rithis an actual robot, or are they just saying healbot facetiously?

Healbot facetiously.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Because a healing robot sounds funny.

It says cool cool, yeah.

Could you possibly let that go?

I mean, I'm sure that the DM was well-intentioned by being like, well, I want to make sure that there's a healer, but they're also being like, this person wants to do something other than heal, so let's.

But I think they wanted to

play for their story to retire them in a way where they get a little bit of a send-off.

Where it's like they're here, they're retiring because they're mourning their friends.

That must have been so weird playing alongside your own character as an NPC.

That would be very uncomfortable.

Yeah.

There's like a new character and then Rhythys is like doing shit that you wouldn't do.

I mean, it would be like in campaign one or something, if after you guys saved the crick, Moonshine was like, you know what, y'all, I actually got to stay here and make sure I protect my people.

Sounds like Emily's talking right now.

And then she rolls a new character, and then I'm like, actually, everybody, Moonshine's coming along because you need to get it.

I'm still here.

Just like the worst moonshine that I expect.

I hit my head.

God.

Hey, everybody, I'm Hiranasa.

What?

This seems rude.

It didn't sound like that, did I?

Oh, dang, I dropped my stuff.

I'm clumsy.

Yeah, I think.

It seems like so easy to solve.

You just like have that character give them an amulet or something.

Yeah, you do the healing surge or something.

We have a potion-based campaign now.

Yeah.

There's so many ways to get around not hitting any healer anymore.

You are right that it's a bummer.

Yeah.

It was not the right thing to do.

But I guess like, I don't know, DMs make mistakes.

It sounds like a well-intentioned mistake.

Totally.

Yeah.

But also.

But a mistake nonetheless, and thus they need to be punished.

How many years were they holding on to this grudge for?

Four and a half?

45.

Yeah, they said 45.

45 years.

They're entering retirement now, and they're wondering if they could finally rest.

Yeah.

What was the name of the restaurant?

Manjas.

Manjas.

Manja.

I didn't say it was a restaurant.

Yes, you just did.

They didn't say it was a restaurant.

So

you guys have to go to Manja's.

Right.

And you need to talk this out on the anniversary of the death.

You have to go to the death.

On the anniversary.

Or not the death.

Of the anniversary of the leaving of the party.

Or the anniversary of the death of Derzel.

Yeah.

The anniversary of Derzel's death.

There we go.

the Derzel dirge and they will be buying you mangas okay yeah

so ordered our next case comes from Kevin W Kevin writes hear ye can anybody hear me

I beseech we're here follow our voice it's like a town crier but in the apocalypse

I beseech the honorable unfetterable justices of the Supreme Court and I give a thin smile and hey to the bailiff.

Oh, that's it!

That's a good question.

His person is killing me.

Hey, what's up, James?

My problem is thus.

I play an Elven Warlock, Pact of the Chain.

Parentheses, important.

I love when they earmark that.

Everybody earmarked that.

Okay, let's not forget that I said this was important.

I'm still remembering the chicken.

Hang on, folks.

What pact?

Yeah, Pact of the Chain.

Highlight that if you don't mind.

A little pact called of of the chain.

To make a long story short, I was falling from a height that would surely kill me from falling damage.

In a moment of panic and IMO, genius, I threw my familiar down in front of me so it would hit the ground first.

Before hitting the ground, I cast Eldritch Blast attacking myself.

I have the invocation repelling blast.

That allows you to push a creature 10 feet away in a straight line.

Okay.

I wanted to slow my fall using this method.

That would work for me.

That I like.

I like that.

That's pretty pretty cool.

My TM said that's insane, and I didn't end up dying thanks to stable death throws, but I still think it should have worked.

What say ye, most honorable justices and jobs?

Okay, first off, I don't actually understand how the familiar came into play.

I think that they cast the shoot from the familiar.

So

they threw their familiar down.

But couldn't you eldritch blast the floor?

But yeah, okay, okay, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, same principle.

I think this is airtight.

I really like this move.

I think that this is a great move.

Yeah, it's cool.

It uses your character.

It uses all abilities.

Yeah.

Your character kind of is like built to do this.

That's kind of sick.

Yeah, I think this is a sick move.

Yeah, Caldwell is into this idea.

Parentheses, earnest.

Yeah.

Yeah, freaking energy beams move people, as we've seen in Dragon Ball when Goku fought Tien at the end of that one tournament.

And Goku and Tien are both falling out of the sky, and one of them's going to hit the ground first, and whoever hits the ground first loses the tournament, but they're both so hurt.

And then Goku just is able to bring up a little bit of energy for a very weak Kamehameha that shoots him a little bit higher into the air, but then he gets hit by a car and falls down faster and he eventually wins.

Yeah.

But

for that moment, he did get shot up a little bit.

So

yeah, I think this should have worked.

I think that how I'm picturing it is you get like move backwards and then instead of falling for like 60 feet or whatever, you just fall for those 10 feet.

Yeah, or like 15 feet.

I think I, I mean, I get a little bit where the DM's coming from.

It's hard for us because I think we go very video game/slash anime style.

But if somebody's playing a more kind of like buttoned-up

game, context is important where, like, has your DM allowed other stuff that was remotely like?

Yeah, okay, that's fine.

This to me is kind of like textbook rule of cool, though.

Like, that's just a badass fucking moment.

Like, why would you take that away?

That seems kind of crazy to me.

It's so cinematic.

Right, yeah.

It's very cool.

Yeah.

What were the conditions that led to you falling, too?

Because maybe if they had done some jackassery

and we're falling, and then we're like, well, I'm going to do something cool.

Yeah.

Were you?

These cases are often missing a lot of context on purpose because I'm asking for the shortest possible case.

Keep it breathing.

We can't technically punish you for that.

But I mean, it sounds sick to me.

I'm trying to look up Repelling Blast to see if there's any hints in there.

Yeah, I would say if it moves a creature, I could see why it would slow your fall and at least like eat up some of the damage.

Yeah.

Although the only other way to interpret this is that like if the familiar is in the air and it uses the repelling blast and it's super small, it might just push itself further down.

That's not what the spell does.

Oh, that's true.

It's like a spell effect.

It's not a spell like a, yeah.

I'm just saying, yeah, if you were falling out of an airplane and you tossed your familiar, you tossed, I guess, let's say, a ferret in front of you, and the ferret had like a riot gun full of sandbags.

Yeah.

I feel like the ferret would get pushed further down.

That's what you have to do when Andrew WK is flying the plane because you know it's going down.

You have to get out there and you have to save your ferret.

I'm going to say I've fully sighed with this player and I sentenced your DM to try on Chinos at the gap with a chicken.

Yeah.

Chicken Chinos.

Come back to the chicken Chinos.

You got to wear chicken Chinos.

You got to go to the gap.

You got to get yourself a pair of chicken Chinos.

You guys remember boyfriend jeans?

Well, these are chicken Chinos.

They're so thin.

Pecked to death.

Not distressed.

They're pecked.

They're pecked.

They're khakis that chicken.

We got a hutch over there.

They're pecking on the jeans in them.

The chicken picked these out and picked at them.

There is a little hole for your spurs

and your nuds.

Okay, so ordered.

Chicken Chinos?

Chicken Chinos.

Chicken Chinos.

What a beautiful phrase.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, then that just about does it for dungeon court, but we do have to step into church for a moment because we have a confession.

I'm there.

All right, right, great.

Yeah.

I'm descending from my podium.

It looks like I'm descending, but actually, if you look closely, there is like a mechanism that's like grasping me and I'm just like slowly floating down.

It's a miracle.

Yes, and there's a lot of mist.

There's fog everywhere.

So everyone's just cheering.

I'm playing party hard on the organ.

Rhys P writes, I have a confession to Dice Christ that must be made and declared in front of the court, and all that will bear witness.

Speak, child.

In our campaign, we have a wizard born from the curse of the jabberwalk, wild beyond the witch light.

After a big battle, each player rolled a D100 to see what magic item they got from the DM's guide.

The wizard was one digit away from the vorpal sword, and the key to help defeat his cursor.

In a crime of passion, a moment of true character progression was bestowed, but the players did not know I fudged the role.

May Dice Christ and the court have mercy on my soul.

So this DM

gifted the sword

for a wizard, right?

Yeah.

It's still a wizard swinging a Vorpal sword.

I mean, unless this wizard, isn't that going to be strength?

Does Vorpal use something?

I'm not sure.

No, no, no, Vorpal's different, but I'm not sure what pact they are or what this.

I don't know much about this class.

Oh, wait, is it a specific class?

Yeah, it sounded pretty specific.

Yeah, well, this is like, this is some.

Oh, gosh, I cannot remember the name of the person.

It's Alice in Wonderland.

Lewis Carroll, I think.

He went a jabberwalky.

Yeah, this is is all like Jabberwocky stuff.

Something.

Uh-huh.

So, like, they need that sword to kill the Jabberwocky or something like that, it sounds like right.

Yeah, this wizard was like cursed by something, and the Vorpal sword is the thing that will undo the

case.

Okay, I think you're fucking fine.

You're more than fine.

One digit off.

One digit off?

You know what?

You know who nudged that digit?

You thought it was you nudging, but that was Dice Christ nudging.

Yeah, Dice Christ worked through you.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know what?

It wasn't even a nudge.

It was a nudge.

Wow.

Wow.

Nudding towards the Rorple Sword, which is the name of my album.

I think you did what 99% of people would do in that situation.

Yeah.

Especially with like a big table like that.

I would imagine there's things on there that you wouldn't want your players to have, that you would have done the reverse.

That you would have been, if they landed on it, you would have been like, ah, this is bad for the story.

This is bad for the game.

I didn't have time to look at all 100 items here.

That was actually the true balance of it all.

There were things that you would have taken away and things that you would gift.

And you were pointed in the direction.

Dice Christ gives and dice Christ takes away.

Doesn't the Vorpal sword, it says when you attack a creature that has at least one head with this weapon and roll a 20 on the attack roll, you cut off one of the creature's heads.

So Dice Christ is still going to be weighing in.

Yeah,

that's true.

There's no better sword than a Vorpal sword.

Yeah.

For Dice Christ performed.

For Dice Christ to work through.

Yes, exactly.

All right.

So ordered.

Yeah.

I think.

So forgiven.

You know what?

Go ahead and take another vorpal sword for yourself.

You earned it.

Yeah.

You earned it.

You earned it.

Everyone gets one.

Just have one.

Yeah.

Bring it to the coachek at Manjas.

A little place

called Manja.

Manjas.

Literally what?

And then refused to elaborate.

That was.

No, it's better that way.

The mystery.

That's probably one of the craziest moments we've had on the show.

Oh, senor, welcome to Manjas.

Speak nothing of this.

Maybe.

Wild.

Maybe not.

Well, everyone, it's been a pleasure.

It's been a blessing.

I am going to ponder mangas for the rest of my life.

Yeah.

We're going to go ahead and wrap this one up.

Thank you all so much for submitting your cases.

And with that,

Caldwell wanted to take us out.

Court is...

adjourned.

Court is adjourned.

No, court is not adjourned until Emily tells us what mangas is.

Rolling with the chicken chinos.

Rolling with the chicken chinos.

Little place called Manjas.