Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 10: Ploys in the Attic

This is a head gum podcast.

Welcome to Trinival.

And also,

Barrovia.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I felt that one deep inside my marrow.

That's right.

The soup inside my bones.

It's jiggling with excitement, and so am I, because I am your Dracula uncle, aka Drunkle called Will Tanner.

And I'm joined as always by my puckish players, Brian Murphy.

Gives no fucks because he's got Burgo Bucks, gems the Nell.

And still creaming his jeans as well.

Yes.

Emily hit me with a real weird look during that intro.

Just kind of like staring at me perplexed.

Is our marrow really like soup sloshing around in our bones?

It's more of a stew, if I'm being honest.

I just said soup because it was a funnier word, but it's definitely more of a stew.

I mean, you could definitely drink marrow.

Yeah, you can go to a restaurant and they'll give you marrow if it's fancy enough.

Yeah.

That is so weird.

Just, you know what else is weird?

This strange land we call Barovia, and in that land is Emily Axford.

Warlock of the Arch Fay and Burger Master for a Day.

It's Alice Limier.

AKA Jins Lundell.

AKA.

Oh, I forgot.

Yeah.

Human shovel, humble shit farmer.

Humble shit farmer.

And holding this human shovel is, of course, Jake Rowitz.

Slayer of Fiends, whose brother creams his jeans.

Yes.

We got there.

Not my jeans, his jeans.

Nayak of the Ranafu.

Okay, now I know we're all excited to see who's creaming whose jeans, but before that, how about a quick recap?

Yes, please.

All right, when last we met, you three had made your way to the Wolf's Head Jamboree in Vilaki.

After a speech from the gregarious burgomaster, Baron Vargas Volakovich, you heard a bell ringing in the Abbey of St.

Markovia up the hill.

The bell was followed by baleful, inhuman screams, which the Baron tried to cover up with flute playing and free wine from the nearby Blue Water Inn.

Remembering that the Wine Ravens had mentioned this tavern, you headed over there to find their brother Erwin Martikov.

However, before you could go in, you were met by his wife Danica, who was running the Wine Chug Challenge.

After sending Bluetooth on a reconnaissance mission to the Abbey, Onik sat down and challenged a farmer named Imrick to a chug off and also a flirt off.

She won both, netting the party three three Burgo Bucks.

Yes.

Eager to become Burgomaster for the day, Nyack ran over to the Donk tank, where he and Jens succeeded in sinking some donkey-headed criminals and earning more bucks.

Next, the trio wandered over to Blinksy's Bluppet Blayhouse, where Onix impersonated the legendary puppet Piddlewick.

And despite Nyak's terrible eight-year-old disguise, Groovy managed to impress all three towns' children.

The child, 1930s child saying Groovy.

a huge lollipop saying groovy he's doing the monkey from johnny bravo everything that's old is the same amount of old

i'm floundering brother

the little rascals were in the 70s history is flattening groovy

linksy then revealed to you that his monkey piccolo actually originally belonged to the wizard leomund who came to this land in search of stradd he also mentioned that Leomund's apprentice, Esmeralda, came here recently too.

He said he had not seen her in a day or two, but that her wagon was parked in the nearby stockyard.

On a whim, Onyx stuck the key to her Leomund's tiny chest in the monkey's mouth, which caused him to spit out a scroll featuring a note from Leomund to Esmeralda, telling her to lay low and wait for him here.

After learning this information, you made your way to the wolf wrestling event, where Onyx, aka Jins, the humble shit farmer, succeeded in pinning a wolf and becoming Burgamaster for the day.

It was fucking grueling.

I edited that a Nano Man.

No one else offered no one else offered no one else has to wrestle

and i thought i had the best chance i would have died yeah i guess i could have done it i don't have disadvantage but with my roles i pretty much i'm just saying what no one else offered you can't be mad at me for stepping up it was a grueling match yeah murph made it sound good uh but rolling with disadvantage because of exhaustion it was uh absolutely a a long slug fest yeah there might have been a round or two taken out of that we played that for a day and a half yeah during the celebration, Onyx warged into Bluetooth, who said he was circling the abbey, and was then ferried into the burgomaster's bedroom.

We then cut to Bluetooth, who entered the abbey through the belfry and found a strange scene.

A moaning figure under a black sheet, a shivering creature in a cage, and strangest of all, a lobster-clawed mutant playing a lute.

What the fuck?

A lutant.

The fucking lutant.

Come to me, my lutants.

The lobster man paused to drink wine, wine, but as he did, the shape under the blanket stirred.

The lobster mutant resumed playing, and the figure quieted down.

And that is where we are now.

Okay, so Onyx, Bluetooth is currently in this small lofted chamber below the belfry.

Just as a reminder, here's the layout of the room.

There are two doors leading to the left and right, and a set of stairs leading down to the sanctuary's main floor.

The door to the left looks more sturdy and bears a small golden plaque, while the door to the right seems more standard.

A rope connected to the bronze bell above dangles a few feet over this black shrouded figure lying on the table in the center of the room.

And of course, nearby this table, you see the strange half-man, half-lobster mutant.

The luten.

The luton.

Excuse me, let me just find replace.

Yeah.

He lounges on a cot covered in fur and wine bottles and strums his lute with surprising precision.

The warm notes fill the room and clash with the whimpers emanating from the small, shivering creature in a cage on the floor.

The mutant botches a chord, frowns, then looks over to the cage.

Whoa, quiet, bro.

I'm trying to jam.

My tunes are the only thing other than the abbot that can keep Vasilka calm.

You see, the little shivering figure says, Oh, sorry, I didn't mean nothing by it.

I'll shut up, I promise.

Haha, thanks, pal.

You'd better.

Fuck.

He's so 90s rad.

The lobster lutant continues to play the lute, occasionally taking pauses to swig from his bottle of wine.

Onyx, as this happens, you hear Bluetooth say, what are we thinking?

Should I kill this lobster guy?

Pretty sure I could one-shot him.

Okay, I see.

Okay.

One by one.

Love that confidence.

But I think that you should...

Try to see if any of the keys go to this cage.

You are invisible.

The cage.

Try to go to the cage and open it.

Okay, but mom, just making sure when you talk to me, are you pressing your finger to your ear?

Otherwise, it doesn't work.

No, I am lying limp in the burger master's bed and pretending to be gems.

Ultimate stealth mode.

Okay.

What's your gems impression?

Same as my impression for everyone.

This is it.

That's so good.

It's so flawless.

So clutch.

All right, I'm on it.

You should have heard my poor care impression.

Okay, so you want to try and open this cage.

you get the impression without a roll that the keys mostly work on things uh in vallaki in the village proper but i'm gonna let you roll a luck check on this to see if uh this cage was perhaps imported from the village so this will be a um i'll say 10 or higher uh the key will work

that's a four ah okay wasn't there also like a prize for us behind like a sunburst or something like that Isn't that one of the things that we found out about with the cards?

Is there, can you guess a joint and see if there is a sunburst?

You remember inner scanning mode?

Yeah.

Yes, scanning mode.

He turns into one of those like Waymo cars that has like the spinning camera on top.

So it just spins around really fast.

That looks safe.

You get like a 3D layout of this room.

Again, there are no windows in here.

This seems almost like an attic space.

There's these two doors and then the stairway down.

Should I go through one of the doors or am I going to go down to the main floor?

Go down the stairs because you don't have to open any doors yet.

Great.

Okay.

He's going to fly down the stairs.

As he moves, I'm going to have him do a stealth check with advantage because he's invisible.

Dirty 20.

Yes!

Okay.

Yeah, you see this this lobster man continues just like plucking on his loot.

Clearly, he's been drinking a lot of wine.

He's got his job.

He's focused on this thing on the table.

He is kind of ignoring everything else.

So Bluetooth manages to go down the steps without too much trouble.

So Bluetooth flies down these stairs and into a 50-foot square room with arched glass windows and two rows of pews.

All over the room you see more mutant creatures of every variety hard at work preparing for some sort of ceremony.

Lizard beings hang flower garlands along the wall.

Donkey-like humanoids carry barrels of wine and other refreshments.

And high above, you spot a spider woman cleaning the stained glass.

On either side of the room you see large wooden doors leading to the east and west wings.

You also see another staircase leading to some sort of cellar and

at the front of the room you see a small pool of shining blue water hanging above which is a golden disc engraved with the symbol of the sun.

That's it.

Beneath this disc, you see a handsome young man in a brown monk's robe kneeling as if in prayer.

Around his neck, he wears a wooden sunburst on a long metal chain.

After a moment, another creature shrieks into the room.

She has the wings, ears, and nose of a bat, but a humanoid face.

As she lands, she bows to this man and says,

Here's from the festival, your holiness.

The man smiles, then rises gracefully to address the bat woman.

Wonderful, Marzina.

And how many guests will the Baron be sending over?

Five, including Udo, your humble ship.

Grand.

And what of the festival?

Does the winner show promise?

Or are they as dull as Jarzinka was last year?

The winner's name is Jins Lindell,

a humble shit farmer from outside Bulaki.

Fuck.

She managed to wrestle a wolf to secure her victory.

Very interesting.

Perhaps we should invite her to the wedding, just in case our bride doesn't like the gift we've picked out for her.

I'll write instructions for you to pass along.

With pleasure, your devoutliness!

Speaking of our bride, I have a few final preparations to do.

I shall speak with you soon.

As he concludes speaking with Marzina, you see this man starts walking over to the stairs that Bluetooth just came from.

And as he does that, I need Bluetooth to make one more stealth check with advantage here.

13.

13.

The man starts to climb the stairs, then pauses.

He turns around, clutches his pendant, and mutters something.

Then his eyes glow, and he stares directly at Bluetooth.

Huh.

It's been a long time since I've seen a servant of Ariana in this land.

Why are you spying on me, friend?

I assure you we have the same goal.

Now, if you would, please, return to your master at once and tell them that I have good news.

Strad's defeat is at hand.

You see, I have developed a weapon that not even he can resist.

And tomorrow, we shall all be free.

Now go on.

What do I do?

Okay, just leave politely.

Say, I was looking for a bathroom.

I'm so lost.

Oh.

Cry a little bit.

You see, Bluetooth goes visible, turns back into this little raven.

I'm so sorry, I was lost.

I was looking for a bathroom.

And if you pee on the ground at the festival, they'll put you in the dog tank.

And it seems so bad.

I don't even want to get in trouble.

Prostrate yourself.

Prostrate yourself.

Bluetooth Azerbaijan just flat down on the ground, splats onto the tile.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please let me go.

Roll around.

Stay up.

I want you up to pee.

Okay, now fly back.

Fly back.

See, he's like in bird form, like crossing his legs as it gets the pee.

It is okay, my child.

Please, you're welcome anytime.

Farewell.

Okay.

Deliver this message for me.

That is all I ask.

Have a blessed day.

May the morning lord keep you.

Oh, sure, whatever.

Good work.

That was so good.

That situation was so airy, but you handled it so well.

Thank you.

I do kind of know the pee now, but I'm a bird, so it's like pee and proop at the same time.

I've heard that about acting, that like sometimes there is character bleed.

That's what happens with Jared Leto.

That's my favorite actor.

How did you know?

I just watched Marbius.

It's blooping time, he says, as he flaps out the window and ships as soon as he gets out the door.

I was going to say, if there's a way to fly past any of the doors that we didn't look behind, I'm worried that this

bride is Esmergelta.

You see, he flies away.

One of the mutants creaks open the main door for him as he goes.

You see these two lifeless scarecrows with stuffed gullets and sackcloth heads.

He zooms down the path and then kind of doubles back around and then kind of swoops a few times around the building structure as a whole capturing footage for you.

Yeah, I can see

his head is rotating like an owl's so he can get 360 footage.

And as he does this you get kind of a sense of the whole structure.

There is this like big

15 foot tall sanctuary building and then there's these two smaller wings on either side.

The east wing windows are made of a semi-transparent glass.

It's this thick leaded glass.

They're good for letting in light but difficult to see through.

But the west wing windows are broken and have damaged shutters.

And from within those,

you hear laughter and wailing of things that should not be.

Which, actually, go ahead and roll me a D4, and I will decide which window he looks in.

Two.

He peeks into the second window, and in this room...

You see a fort made of piled bits of shattered furniture and torn draperies.

And from within the fort, you hear a mischievous cackle.

Oh, yeah, nobody's gonna get me in here.

You see, like a little lizard tail happily wagging, uh, peeking out of the fort.

And then you see another of these creatures wanders in.

This one looks almost like a dog, and it says,

Let me in there.

That's my fort.

Yeah, right, dude.

This is my fort.

Get your own fort.

Oh, come on, can't we share the fort?

I'll give you a bottle of wine for it.

Whoa, you got wine?

How'd you get that?

I stole it from Michigan.

Oh, you're in so much trouble, dude.

This continues for about 10 more minutes, and they kind of eventually start sharing the bottle of wine in the fort and talking about their crushes.

Okay, YouTube, this is

really important.

I need you to keep watching this interaction.

I am shaking off.

Just kidding.

Okay, come back here.

Come back here because I think we have a bit of time with the keys and maybe Jens and Naya can explore this building.

Yeah, I'll say you guys are playing a lot of games.

The spell lasts for an hour.

Yeah.

I'll give you 10 more minutes so you can explore like one, maybe two more buildings with it.

Okay.

Awesome.

So Bluetooth finally comes back down.

As he does, the monster says, Are you seeing anyone right now?

No.

Are you?

No.

Well, people actually had there's a rumor going around that we're into each other.

Oh, really?

Have you heard that?

Yeah, I have.

Anyway,

Onyx is shipping them so hard.

Jens is just smoking a cigarette inside onix is screaming you need to be together

saraz do you really feel that way about me i do reduce you're the rad stab

tinder

um all right so uh bluetooth manages to escape he flies back down uh this mountain path and lands on the sill outside of the burger master's bedroom in his mansion.

Are we alone in the burger master's bedroom?

If you want to be.

I think there's like a big crowd that brought you here saying Jens Lindell all is well.

You still hear them echoing outside the door, but since you were a burger master for the day, you can request privacy.

Yeah, I shut the door and lock it and I start unpacking.

And I tell everyone what I've seen.

Okay.

Were the monsters...

Wait, were they hooking up or were they just talking about hooking up?

I think since they were about to hook up for the first time.

Oh my God.

We need to kill all of them.

Let's save that little guy in the cage and then burn it down, right?

It sounds like they don't have a lot of escapes.

It sounds like they're all going to be in the basement.

Let's start a fucking fire upstairs and collapse everything.

Burn them all alive.

And then we'll just collect our present, the thing in the sunburst.

We'll get that after the whole thing is fucking burned down.

Okay, I just, I think that, I mean, who do you think sobright is?

Esmeralda, we need to go check that.

That is who I'm worried about.

Yeah, I think let's go check the wagons and make sure she hasn't been grabbed yet.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, because what if she's already in there?

Then we can't burn anything down because she might be down there and then she'll get burned when we burn it.

We have 10 minutes left with these keys.

Do you want to go around quickly?

Just like unlock any chest you see, any door you see?

I make a beeline for the medicine cabinet.

I mean, I have to see what this guy is on.

Yeah, I guess let's just start.

He's so positive.

Sticking keys in.

Anything that looks valuable.

Well, we know, well, the Burgomaster is the one feeding people to the Abbot, it sounds like.

Yeah.

It sounds like...

Let me know if you have a different route on the situation.

Okay.

The Abbot seems to maybe might actually be against Strad,

and in being against Stradd, is trying to create monsters inspired by werewolves, essentially being like, I'm going to make these humanoids that maybe can then fight vampires or something.

I've only created fucking morons.

Whatever's under that sheet is something that is going to marry the bride, and then they're going to make some super weapon that is just going to be another one of these fucking weirdos, right?

Yeah, I think that's my

joke.

What if we do something like the abbey under new management so those monsters are our monsters those soldiers our our soldiers what what do we want oh we we do have what do we want with the loot with the lobster man does anyone need to why do we love the lobster man he was really good at playing the loot he could teach us music nayak holds up his flute jen smokes two cigarettes at the same time can i have one of those can i have a draft yes i'm trying to get into smoking everyone have a fucking cigarette because none of you are cool right now

All right.

All right.

All that's smooth.

Okay.

Yeah.

Bluetooth knows what's up.

I'm going to be sick.

Okay.

Let's just start sticking keys into keyholes and see if there's anything in here.

All right.

I run around the mansion and just start opening all the guys' doors.

Okay.

Yeah, give me a perception check as you look for keys or investigation.

And also chests for valuable things.

Great.

Oh, 22.

Hell yeah.

Ooh.

So with a 22, you guys case the fucking joint.

The second casing of the day.

I'll give you just a quick rundown of what you see in this mansion.

You see all of the servants kind of politely nod.

You just like run into each room and pull all the books off the shelf.

This is what we played for.

I'm the burgomaster.

I love dudes.

Do you get it?

Yeah, go make us some appetizers.

I have to imagine everyone does this.

I want apps for dinner.

Apps for dinner.

Certainly you want a main as well.

I'm the goddamn burger master and I will have abs for dinner if I want them.

I pull more books off the bookshelf.

Wear the manes.

Listen to me, or I'll throw a book at Nyack.

I make a lovely salmon, sir.

He is not kidding.

He'll do it.

I want mozzarella sticks, and I want nachos, and I want three wings, okay, awkwardly placed there, and two potato skins for some reason.

So that we have to split them awkwardly.

Yes.

Victor's sampler, as it were.

There you go.

Yes.

The burgomaster's son.

He often requests a similar sampler for dinner.

This kind of son, how many people are involved in this?

Um, okay, so here's what you see: you see a foyer that has a staircase leading upstairs with a long sculpted railing.

There's uh bundles of twigs heaped against the wall, nothing much there.

There's a dining rattle

for tinder for when I burned down the church.

I'm still committed to this plan.

Uh, there's a dining room with a chandelier of wrought iron.

Um, seated at the table, you see uh a bunch of women in uh faded dresses, and then one uh dressed a little more fancily

wait no fancy one faded dresses get the fuck out

hey everyone

everyone I just start gesturing wildly I have two cigarettes in each hand just thinking about all the fucking mutants that we're gonna have to fight in a moment just gesturing around wildly faded dresses uh fucking fade out of the mansion all right

you heard the burgermaster.

If you're looking sun-bleached,

you can get the fuck out.

You can get the fucker.

Everyone's looking like an entree, and we only want apps.

Okay.

I start smoking my four cigarettes and I sit down across from the fancy lady.

What are who are you?

Well, I'm the Baroness.

My name is Fiona Wachter.

And you are the burger master for the day, and that does come with certain privileges.

Oh, my!

Stop.

You can't.

Should we?

You cannot do this.

Onix, let's leave.

Leave what?

I heard that you were a human shovel.

That's her.

That's Jen.

Oh, Jens.

I'm so sorry.

Not Jens, just Jen.

If you point to both of us, yes, that's Jens.

Because I'm Jens.

And she's Jen.

It's Jensiz.

Jens is.

Okay,

so you're just...

The winner of the fair's wife for the day.

That's right.

Well, yeah,

I'm Vargas' wife, and I manage the household.

I was having a little, you know, post-Jamboree party with my gals here.

But if you want me to clear out too, that's your ride.

We can go stay at our little house across town.

Fiona.

Yes.

Where are all the most important items?

And why is your dress so pristine?

Well, I work extra hard because presentation is important in Velaki.

You know, all will be well.

But

I try to keep myself as well as possible in the moment.

You're the richest.

We get it.

Okay.

Where are the locked doors?

Well, you already went through the bedroom.

That's the only door we normally keep locked.

God damn it.

But

where do these keys go to?

I just jingle keys in front of me.

Yeah, so Baron gave these to us and said, use them

without discrimination.

Give me a persuasion check.

All right.

I actually have good persuasion.

Can I give him the help action by being the burger master for the day?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I play the electric flute?

Okay, sick.

I got a 24.

With a 24, she starts like listing off all of the expensive things in the house.

She's like, we got lots of candelabras.

We got books.

Oh, just like, what a collection of books.

Yeah, that's not doing anything for us.

The only place that I don't think you should explore is the attic because that's just where all of our garbage is.

And like, that's.

Okay, bye.

That's great.

Good to know.

And these keys, do you know where these keys go to?

Well, they mostly open the gate to the abbey.

Got you.

of course and then they open our bedroom and you know there might be a couple things that they open in there but you know I just can't really remember

gosh you know the the baron's really the one that does the thinking around here I just you know I'm don't sell yourself shorts oh thank you you should leave him what you could do so much better you are a shell of yourself I just feel like I'm in too deep

that's a sunk cost fallacy

yeah he made you a dreadway I've never

what he made you a dreadway

isn't that a good thing A traditional watch?

No.

No, it's sort of like it's used against you.

Well, I will say, you know, the Baron and I, we've had hard times in the past, but we are staying together mostly for our son Victor.

Where's Victor?

Is he under a sheet somewhere being kept down by a...

Never mind.

I have to say, Victor might be more inspired by seeing a strong role model who leaves a marriage that she's unhappy with.

Yeah.

That might be the best thing for Victor.

What is Victor doing?

Where's Victor?

Is Victor a werewolf?

All right.

I didn't want to say this.

I didn't want to bring it up.

Sure.

This is a traumatic part of our past together.

But Victor, you know what?

You know what?

A long time ago, Victor and his father, they got into a little trouble.

Okay.

I'm hugging her at this point.

Thank you.

Yes.

Make her feel.

Victor, there was a lot of pressure on Victor because he was going to be the baron one day.

Yeah.

And he ran off when he was just a little boy, around 20 years ago or so.

And, well, werewolves got to him.

Yeah.

Oh, he's a werewolf.

He didn't make it.

What?

Oh, he's dead.

He didn't make it.

And Vargas, you know, he went after him.

And, you know, Morning Lord, bless his soul.

He went after him.

But, oh, my sweet man, he got bit.

He got bit real bad.

Okay.

And,

well, you know, all I got to say is thank Morning Lord.

Thank Don Father for the Abbot because he brought my son back to life.

And he cured the Baron of his lycanthropy.

And everything has been good ever since then, except my poor boy, Victor.

He just stays up in that attic.

And I didn't want you to go up there because that's where he is.

And you know what?

If you're talking about my treasures, he's the most important treasure to me.

But if you, oh, my sweet burger master for a day and other people, if you could go up there and talk some sense into him, just try and make him see the light of the morning, Lord, and tell him that all will be well if he just believes it.

If you could go up there, I promise you I will make it worth your while.

Anything you want to take from this mansion, I will give it to you willingly.

Okay.

Yeah.

It feels like there's just a bunch of candelabras in here.

So I don't really.

We do have a surplus of candelabras.

Yeah, but we can smelt them down.

We can melt them down.

Jens opens another pack of cigarettes and just rubs his temples.

Okay, we are going to do what your husband could not.

And I'm going to head towards the attic.

Wait, hang on.

All right.

So this kid's like a fucking feral werewolf that's just hanging out in the attic.

And then

what happened to Esmeralda?

There's just too many fucking people.

There's too much stuff.

Okay, you want to go look at Esmeralda before?

Is Esmeralda the lobster mutant?

No, that's the lootant.

Oh, that's the lootant.

Esmeralda was in this style.

Okay.

Let's.

Esmeralda was not.

With the little mask.

You were chucking tomatoes at Esmeralda.

Udo's.

Oh, God.

Udo's being brought to the.

That's my guy.

Okay.

I just feel like maybe one of y'all should be taking more notes.

I don't know.

Yeah, no, okay.

I have notes, okay?

You seem like you got a level head on your your shoulders.

Thank you.

Okay, I'll start taking my notes.

A woman in loveless marriage tells me how to live my life.

Touche, young man.

All right, all right.

Yeah.

She kind of like pulls a little hair off your shoulder.

Okay, yes.

This is absolutely an ABC conversation.

D yourself out of here.

We've got a lot on our plate.

What should we do?

What do you have to do?

We have time.

Because I forgot that Key Train was here.

We are the burger master for us.

What time do we have?

Esmeralda's getting married today.

No, tomorrow.

Is it tomorrow?

I thought it was tomorrow.

Blue juice, what did you see?

I thought it was tomorrow.

So tomorrow.

Yeah.

Tomorrow.

We have so much time.

Oh, good.

Let's go to the attic.

Jens, I think you are suffering

from burnout.

I am suffering from burnout.

You're all fucking burning me out.

This town is fucking burning me out.

Okay?

This kid has been in the fucking attic for 20 years, she said.

He'll be fine for another hour.

Let's go make sure Esmeralda hasn't been fucking kidnapped, right?

Because maybe she can help us.

Could we perhaps split up and some can go investigate the wagon and some can go to the attic?

Oh my god.

Um, okay.

Also, can I have one of these candelabras?

They're very nice.

Of course, yeah,

cool.

All right, fine.

You guys go talk to the kid in the attic.

I'll go talk to Esmeralda.

I have invisibility.

I'll go make sure I'm not seen.

Take keychain.

Take keychain?

I will come with you.

All All right.

You will hide in my shadow because I am so tall.

I forgot.

I'm really tall.

I don't.

All right.

Listen, I'm going to be honest with you, Keychain.

If someone sees you and captures you, I'm going to stay invisible.

Okay.

I understand.

I am an easy target because of how freaking tall I am.

I will do my best to not burn down the abbey while you're in it, but I am going to burn down that goddamn abbey.

If a talent scout captures me so that I can play for the NBA team.

Just the NBA team?

You don't even know any of the teams.

It's the Valaki Velociraptors.

Okay, yeah, all right.

The Velaki Raptors, yeah.

The Volakiraptors, yes.

I'm sorry, you wouldn't let me connect to the internet so I could steal all the data and use it to make AI.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Okay.

I put in another cigarette and then walk outside and I cast a visibility of myself.

Keychain hits the top of every door as you leave.

Oh, gosh.

It sucks being so tall.

Okay, so you're going to head over that way.

Let's first handle the attic and then we'll check in on Jin's.

Okay.

Okay, so you're gonna go back into the bedroom.

And as you go in there, I'll give you just a refresher on what you see in there.

Time has faded the grandeur of this master bedroom.

The furnishings have lost some of their color and splendor, but the strong scent of the baroness's perfume remains.

A short pole rope hangs from a wooden trapdoor in the ceiling.

You do see that the trapdoor is locked.

In the corner, you see a gilded vanity mirror against one wall next to a faceless wooden mannequin wearing a white bridal gown.

Oh, I have to take that.

Oh, bridal gown.

Oh, my God, it's your size.

Oh, my God.

I put on the gown.

Diak fawns over Onyx.

I'm teasing her hair out.

Jens gets a piercing headache and doesn't know why.

Wrestle's zipper shot, okay?

It will fit.

It will fit.

It gets leverage against an Ottoman.

I get really jealous of the mannequin and worry that it looks better than me and I throw it up.

As you do, you hear more shouts of ginslandel.

All will be well.

Woo!

Okay, so I have the bridal gown on.

I look at myself in this mirror, and then let's unlock this attic.

As you look at yourself in this mirror, you do notice that the mirror has a small lock at the base of it as well.

It's a vanity, so it looks like there's like a little chest where you could store perfumes or creams.

Yeah, I was going to ask what is the Baroness's scent like?

The Baroness's scent, I think it would certainly be an old world scent.

I would say maybe something simple like lavender or maybe even something that would grow even in this like harsher climate.

So maybe even just like

maybe even something like vegetable oil and lavender.

Okay, vegetable oil and lavender.

I'm going to unlock the vanity.

Okay.

Yeah, let's see what elixirs this guy's drinking.

Yeah.

Inside the vanity,

you find a small crumpled scroll, but it's in a language that you can't immediately read.

Go ahead and give me an arcana check.

Net one.

Ten.

Ten.

It isn't instantly clear to you, but you think that perhaps somebody else might be able to read and interpret it.

Okay, probably Esmeralda or Marina.

Great.

Yeah, you look into this mirror.

You look good in this bridal ground.

Great.

I feel really confident to go meet a monster.

And now let's go to the attic.

Great.

Okay.

So you pull down this attic door.

As you do, a plume of dust kind of

fills the room.

Bluetooth inhales it all for some reason.

Lots of good dust.

Don't.

Kids today don't get enough asbestos.

And I'm leaving.

Bad Bluetooth.

Bad Bluetooth.

I spray him.

Stop doing that.

Howdy, Nad Poles.

Call

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Alright, that's it for me.

Thanks for listening.

Now back to the bath.

You climb this foldable ladder up into the attic and you see that it is full of old, forgotten things draped in white sheets.

Piled around the sheets are barrels, crates, trunks, and old furnishings covered with cobwebs and dust.

However, amidst the dust, you see a clear footpath through a maze leading to a small door upon which is carved a skull and the words, all is not well.

Honestly, this is what my teenage bedroom looked like too, so I don't feel afraid.

Yeah, same.

Nayaka's shaking.

Let's talk under the door.

Hello, we are here.

Hey, I talk like a dad whose teenage slammed the door.

Hey, buddy.

Mom, is that you?

Oh, God, is it the burgomaster for the day?

What are you doing up here?

Leave me alone!

Your mother is worried about you, and your father is impotent to do anything about it.

Damn right about that.

Your dad's a loser.

We hate your dad.

I fucking hate my dad too.

Yeah.

He wants me to be the fucking baron around here.

And this whole town has gone to shit.

And this whole world has gone to shit.

And like, what's the point?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What happened?

How did Sim Abbott save you?

Do you like Sey Abbott or does he suck like your dad?

Oh my God, did my mom tell you all that?

That's so embarrassing.

Yeah, she talked too much.

Yeah.

I hate her too, actually.

Your mom, your mom's all right, but she's trending on sucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you hate her, I ate her.

she has to tread so carefully she has her moments i make sure she sucks she's okay yeah she's okay she's okay go ahead and give me a uh persuasion check can i help by um spitting on the floor when i mention the dad yeah

26.

whoa fuck yeah you hear him kind of mulling it over as he talks he kind of seems like uncertain about whether he should let you in um and you hear like a slight meowing uh as something brushes up against his leg.

Cricket, get back, get back, damn it.

You know what?

Yeah, fine, fine.

I normally don't let people come up here, but you guys hate my parents almost as much as I do.

And you kind of,

you're like on the level about this stuff, so you're sad.

All right, come on in.

Your dad sucks ass.

Let me in.

I ate your dad.

We fucking ate your dad.

I'm going to piss in his dad.

You say you ate my dad?

My ate your dad.

That's like a legitimate concern here.

You know, that's like, don't talk about that shit.

You You know that he almost got turned into a woman.

We're fucking with you.

I give him a dead arm.

All right.

That's kind of funny.

That's kind of edgy out like that, actually.

Yeah, let us in.

Okay, come in, but don't fucking touch anything, all right?

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, whatever.

So

I come in and I just like cross my arms and like I try to act like a teenager.

Just kind of like kick some dirt on the floor and don't make eye contact.

Yeah.

Yo.

I guess.

And you see that he opens the door, and as he does, this skull engraving on it sort of glows and then fizzles as the glyph of warding is lifted.

And you enter Victor's attic study.

You see, someone has taken old mismatched furniture and created a study in this dusty lamplit chamber.

Tables are strewn with pieces of parchment on which strange diagrams are drawn.

And a freestanding bookshelf holds a collection of bones.

A dusty rug covers the floor in front of a pine box, on which lounges a skeletal cat.

Several more cats, all skeletal, skulk about.

And in the center of the room, perched on a stool, is a thin young man with a premature streak of gray in his dark hair.

He cradles an open, leather-bound book in his arms and is surrounded by a strange circle covered in sigils and glyphs.

Come on in.

This is actually pretty cool.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

Your room's kind of sick.

Yeah, it's all right.

I found like a spell book in my dad's library.

There's actually some really valuable books in there.

That's so cool.

Are you like a necromancer?

I mean,

he kind of blushes a little bit.

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

He like tosses his gray-streaked hair to the side.

That's so crazy.

That's cool.

Yeah, but can I tell you about like my big project for the moment?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm so curious i'm trying to build a teleportation circle that'll get me out of barrovia

i i'm kind of interested in something like that myself

yeah i have to say like how close are you do you need like any help because we actually like are into this stuff too we're both pretty gossip really yeah and like when back at home we're like super rich so we can all if we get there like we can hang out at our condo.

Yeah, we have like skateboards, dirt bikes.

We have an ATV.

We have like a whole movie theater that we paid someone a lot of money to do like sort of like custom sound.

And it's like really inconsistent.

Where did y'all say y'all were from?

Triniville.

Yeah, Triniville.

Wait a minute.

Does it have two moons?

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's a cube.

Oh,

two moons and a cube.

Nike, when you say cube, he gasps and says, My mom told you that I died when I was a kid, right?

Yeah, but it's like, whatever.

No big deal.

We don't care.

But it's like, honestly, honestly, I'm dying inside all the time, right?

Isn't that how like teenage feels?

I mean, yeah, I am like 24, but yeah.

Onyx adjusts accordingly.

I think I am too.

But I do feel that constant rot.

This is a very sheltered 24-year-old.

Yeah, well, you came up here as a teenager.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

But anyway, yeah, when I died, I saw other places.

Worlds beyond Strahd's grasp.

I saw Trinivale, the one shaped like a cube.

I saw another world with a sky full of singing stars.

And then this really strange world full of talking animals who all wore shoes and gloves.

Oh, was porker there?

Beautiful.

Yeah,

there was a pork man there yeah yeah okay yeah so yeah we've been there this is so crazy you've been there yeah and if you can get out of here we can take you and show you all that

i think

you you two are what i've been missing i mean i i've tested the teleportation circle before and uh the two servants i tested it on they went somewhere i don't know where oh but i'm so close i'm just so close to figuring it out and i think with your help we can crack this like you killed i think you like killed two servants

Yeah, when you say servants do you mean one of these little bony cats or do you mean that's like one of the women in the faded dresses?

It was Hans the butler and Danya the lady in waiting.

Yeah, she was one of the faded dresses ladies, but that they're not gone.

I'm pretty sure that they just went somewhere else.

I'm still on scrambling the sigil sequence.

I'm so close.

With your help, I think we can do this.

Okay, yes.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

We'll try.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I think, all right.

So just come with me.

I think if we all position ourselves in a triangle around it,

he's getting like really excited.

He thinks this is gonna work.

Can I do like an inside check?

Because I'm like looking at him being like, why does his mom feel not good about how he is right now?

Like I thought he was gonna be part lizard.

Can I do like an inside check just to see if he's like being truthful and sincere?

That's a 10.

I guess I'll do one.

I'll do one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a seven.

I have to say, you are so cool.

Your mom does not appreciate your unique talents.

Thank you.

I could help this town.

I could get people out of here.

I just, I fucking hate this place so much.

Yeah.

And I just,

my dad wants me to take over and be the baron.

And that's just how much pressure.

I'm like, after everything I've been through, it's just, I feel like, why do that when I can just go live with a bunch of cool talking animals?

So, okay, so that's the world you want to see the most?

Yeah.

Of all the ones that you saw, you like the sonic one and you're like, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, you saw the hedgehog, the blue hedgehog, and you were like, yes, that's for me.

I saw a blue blur.

You tell me it's a hedgehog?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

And he wears red shoes and he has a girlfriend.

Had to girlfriend.

Had a girlfriend.

Why don't you guys give me a Arcana check?

Nat 20!

Definitely beats my two.

Shout out to the two crew.

As you step around this teleportation circle, you take a look at some of the sigils and glyphs on it.

And Onyx, long, long ago, you were a university student.

You studied magic and I believe geology.

Yeah, geology, yeah, magic, crystal, you know, magical geology.

So you know your way around some sigils and glyphs, and you see this and you realize this thing is far from finished.

Oh, this is a death trap.

Okay.

Hey, single.

I tackle Nyack Owen.

Very, very bitch.

You tackle him out of the way.

He looks up and says, wait, what?

Ow!

He's going to take

16 points of damage as this teleportation circle explodes.

Oh my God.

And then let's cut over to Jins.

All right.

Jins, I'm going to say you brought Marina with you, just to split the party a little better.

Okay.

So you've got Marina and Keychain with you.

If either of you get me caught, again, I'm invisible.

So just like,

I'm not getting any of you out of anything.

Well, you're my sword teacher, so I will fight to defend you.

Great.

Just another session.

Is smoking part of the lesson?

Do I need to like loosen up my nerves?

Yes, please.

I see an explosion in the attic.

Let's keep walking.

You see, like, a huge purple glow emit from the attic of the Burger Master's Mansion.

It's been a minute.

It's literally been a minute.

Nyak flying out of the window of the attic with me tackling him out.

Okay.

You see that and you make your way over to the Arisek stockyard.

You see this large open space that has several lock sheds along its periphery.

And adjacent to that, you see this roomy warehouse, which also serves as a makeshift general store.

A wooden sign above it reads Arisek Stockyard.

And near the warehouse, you see an older married couple unloading some wares.

And across from this married couple at the far end of the stockyard you see a purple and gold wagon caked in layers of dried mud brass lanterns hang from each corner and red drapes cover tombstone shaped windows on each side all right that's our wagon i'm going to okay marina keychain stay back I will come for you when the coast is clear.

Let me real quick just walk close to this married couple and see what they're talking about.

Okay.

All right.

Are you going to try and like eavesdrop on them?

Yeah.

Great.

So which of the sheds are we going to do it in tonight?

Oh my god.

I turn back.

I'll use my invisibility to essentially try to give them advantage on like stealth checks.

I'll give both of them bardic inspiration.

Okay, shit.

Okay.

And I'm going to get all three of us to Esmeralda's wagon.

So I will say I'm going to make a stealth check for both of them.

Great.

To see if the married couple notices them

It's a 19 for Keychain

and an 11 for Marina But that's okay because these are commoners so their passive is 10

and they're also very focused on the task at hand.

Yep, they're so boring.

Okay, so they make it over and meet you at the wagon As you get a little closer, you see that there's a steel padlock securing the back door

Hanging from it is a cheap wooden sign that reads, keep out.

I knock on the door.

There's no response.

God damn it.

I guess I'll use sleight of hand to try to open the

door.

Before you do that, give me a perception check.

Okay.

18.

18.

You go to use sleight of hand, but as you do,

through the curtain on this little window, on the door, you see a thin wire glistening in the the afternoon sun.

Cool.

But I will say with your 18,

you get Keychain to drop down on all fours.

He goes back into dog form and sniffs around a little bit, and he sees that there's actually a hidden trapdoor on the wagon's underbelly.

I will go to the trapdoor

and I am going to,

just in case she's inside, and she's definitely freaked out, I'm going to knock on the trapdoor.

There's once again no answer.

I'm going to say,

I'm a friend of Lehman.

And then open the trapdoor.

You open the trapdoor.

And as you do, you enter a room filled with wires and jars of exist fire.

Oh, no.

You see that there is a wire connected to the doorknob of the front door, but there is none connected to this trapdoor.

So you've managed to avoid setting off this massive explosion.

Alchemist fire, I can fucking blow up the abbey.

I start taking it.

I start like carefully handing it to Keychain.

Oh my god.

You got it.

This fucking module.

We fucking were so stocked.

Okay, it's a small wagon.

I guess give me a, give me a two plus one d8 roll to see how many jars you find.

Fucking one.

Okay, so you find um yeah, that makes sense one for the front one for the back one for the middle.

Okay.

Uh three jugs of alchemist fire.

Not bad.

Great.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

So you manage to crawl inside this wagon.

You see, it is lavishly decorated.

It's kind of in these purple shoes with like gold trim.

There's a little desk in the back and like a kind of like cot for sleeping on.

Okay.

But on the desk, you find a few things of note.

You see two spell scrolls and a charred letter that seems to have been pulled from a diary.

Okay.

Read them.

Okay, so the spell scrolls are major image and remove curse.

Okay.

And the letter seems to be from Leoman's diary.

And it says,

At long last, my fight against the wicked Baron Metis is at an end.

The vampire took everything from me.

My friends, my family, even my home.

And now I have repaid his cruelty and kind.

After a long hunt, I found the foul creature's lair and drove a stake through his heart.

For a moment, I was distraught.

This mission had been my whole life, for as long as I could remember.

What would my purpose be now?

I posed these questions to sweet Piccolo, but he has not the head for such quandaries and screeched for bananas as is his custom.

But as I stood there, soaked in sweat, the bloodied steak still in my palm, I heard a whimper and saw the form of a small girl chained in the corner.

Clearly, one of the Baron's future meals.

I unchained her at once, and as I stared into her eyes, I saw the same glimmer of fear and hope that I once saw in Erasmus.

Fear for those dreaded creatures, but hope that I could save him.

It was at this moment that my fate was decided.

No longer would I be a simple wizard toying with tiny chests and girthy yurts.

No.

I shall take this child in, raise her well, and dedicate the remainder of my life to eradicating eradicating vampires from every sphere of existence in the entire multiverse.

The journal entry ends there.

It seems like it was hastily pulled from the remnants of a charred journal, perhaps one that was tried to be destroyed.

Okay, keychain, Marina.

Yes.

So Esmeralda is not here.

No signs of...

Entry.

I mean, she's probably already been grabbed, or she went to investigate the abbot and was captured there.

Yes, it seems like she parked the wagon here, and then perhaps went to investigate elsewhere and has not returned.

I'm going to,

just in case she comes back here,

I will leave my feather that the wine moms gave me.

Okay.

And that way, she will go talk to Erwin.

And we have not talked to Erwin yet.

Oh, shit, that's right.

So what I'm going to do, I guess I'll do one last just like investigation check and I guess ask, does Marina, does anyone have decent investigation?

Because they do have bardic, so they might have a better chance with a help action from me.

Not keychain.

Marina is a noble, though, so she's got a plus one.

Cool.

That's great.

That's just as good as me.

And that one and a one on the bardic.

So glad you guys came.

I look around myself.

The bed seems nice.

I got a 14.

Yeah, with a 14, the only other thing you find is a small golden golden carrot

with the words Drovash and Arvesh written on it.

Golden carrot.

I will grab that with intention to give it back.

I'm already robbing her.

All for her own good, hopefully.

Marina, Keychain, we're out of here.

Real quick, we're going to drop off at the Blue Water Inn.

We're going to drop off a note that says that invites them to dinner at the Burgomaster for the day's mansion.

Okay, great.

So I'm going to use invisibility to drop off for Danica and Erwin to come meet us at the Burgomaster's mansion, and then we're going to head back.

Oh, wonderful.

You drop this note.

A moment later, you see

the door open, and Erwin picks it up and then kind of like looks around and then nods and then walks back inside.

And then you head back to the mansion where you see smoke.

now i run inside and on invisibility myself what what the fuck happened

upstairs do you go to the attic yeah i just go to them wherever they are bolt to the attic you see fiona says oh hey welcome back shut up

all right you run up to the attic and

i'm in a wedding dress now you burned me i'm i'm nearly dead victor

was this are you being sacrificed or something how do you i think i've been killed i've been I've been smitten.

I am no more.

I am a smoking wretch.

I'm near death, Victor.

So you two managed to avoid the blast because you backed up at the last second.

But you do see Victor laying face down in the center of this teleportation circle.

Okay, I'm going to lay on hands right now.

Healing hands him.

I'll give him four hit points.

Victor!

Come back to me.

Oh, my God.

I killed him.

I killed those two people.

I thought that I sent them somewhere.

Oh no.

You did kill some.

I think you did kill them.

Holy shit.

Oh my morning lord.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This is what I get for not embracing my fate.

Oh my lord.

God, the cycle comes for us all.

What do you want?

I'll do anything.

Just don't tell my fucking parents about this.

I want you to kill this mannequin.

I have the mannequin.

I'm jealous.

What?

You went outside and got it?

I made ended it back.

Mom, don't we want to put put this with a training dummy so you'll have a family?

No, this mannequin is too big for me.

What information did you guys get while I was gone?

Well, he has all these little bone cats.

Yeah, okay.

He's using the cat.

Are they bone cats or are they poorly fed cats?

In return, they're bone cats.

In return for showing you what's happened.

Could you just show me the spell books that you created, also, Spram?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want me to like scrap you some spell scrolls or something?

I could do that?

We don't want you to do anything.

I do want set.

I actually do one set.

Did you guys find anything that you might need a wizard to read?

Yes, we did.

Oh, okay.

Give it to him.

Is he...

Oh!

Can you read this?

I hold up the crumpled spell scroll in a different language.

It's just nonsense.

You're not going to be able to do it.

Yeah, I think it was like almost like...

Have you ever had, I think it's called like automatic writing where you write nonsense.

Jen's lights up again.

Okay.

Can I have a drag again?

I think I'm actually getting the taste for it.

Esmeralda is gone.

I invited Erwin and Danica here.

I have Alchemist Fire to blow up the Abbey.

Gems?

Yeah.

First off, you're burned out.

Second off, I think you might be taking out your failure on

our success.

I'm the only one who's done anything.

Being the burger master for the day is about creating your own schedule.

I did a very embarrassing wrestling match with a wolf to become burger master for the day while you stood back, not a volunteer.

And we're the burger masters.

We're gonna enjoy comics.

This guy almost got his ass blown up if it wasn't for me checking underneath the carriage.

So you almost got blown up too, just like us.

So, oh, yeah, so I do want to see what the spellbook is called that he's been using, but then also we'll show him the crumpled scroll that we found in the vanity.

Okay, he goes and fetches his spellbook.

Yeah.

I found it in my father's library.

It seems like it's some ancient book from someone called The olmists I don't know if you know what that is I have heard of the almost yeah they were like this order it's crazy so I've been reading up on them they were established by Strahd's father King Barov

and I think like later in his life after like a an entire lifetime of being a conqueror he kind of like came to his senses and like came to the light a little bit and funded more like research and science and like religious arms of of his kingdom.

I was going to say are the alchemists.

I think like alchemy is one of their pursuits, but I think they kind of like were, you know, scholars of all stripes.

Okay.

Anyway, so I found some like real juicy spells in here.

I got Animate Dead.

Obviously, you can see from my kitties.

That's Cricket.

That there's Bug,

that's Hopper.

They're all insect-themed.

That's cute.

That's cool.

And then I got Blight.

I got Cloud Kill, Dark Vision, Glyph of Warding, Levitate, Remove Curse, Thunder Wave, Misty Step, Suggestion, Counterspell, Fireball, the list goes on.

So, this sounds pretty necromantic.

Did the Olmists create Strahd as he is today?

It certainly doesn't mention that in the book.

And I think that, honestly, I think that Strahd would kill me for even having this thing.

Yeah, yeah, this is pretty like edgy, contraparent stuff to have.

Yeah, we should take it.

Yeah.

Did you hear about Berez?

No, Us Perez.

It was the place.

I think that's where the Olmists were from.

And

last I heard, Straw just wiped it off the map.

Where did it used to be?

It's like southwest of Borovia.

And now, is it just ruins?

Yep.

Just ruins and rubble, as far as I can tell.

It's hard to get word out from here, but I managed to animate a dead horse and send it on a mission to go check it out, and then it came back and reported to me.

Yeah, that makes sense.

That sounds funny.

Where's that dead horse now?

Yeah, well, did it come back and report?

Well, it's bones now.

i think it didn't come back would be my guess well it it came back but then you know the spell broke so it like

i i was able to kind of like so it's just bones it's just bones now it's just bones great well

can can we take this spell book i i mean could i make like some copies of the spells for you i've like i really like doing my research up here and i promise i promise not to teleport anyone else yeah but if you you you've killed a few people with the spell book right you know what we don't know how to use a lot of these spells though and maybe this guy can describe these spells for us.

Hints in like the footnotes.

Yeah, we're the burgomasters.

Let us read it for the night at least.

Okay, is there a spell you want me to describe for you?

Yes.

I think like by tomorrow I could probably put together a spell scroll for you.

Ooh, yeah.

I was thinking Fireball 2 burned down some monasteries you wanted to.

Yeah, we do want to do that.

Would remove curse prevent Strahd from, like, prevent vampirism?

I think remove curse could prevent if one of us was bitten by a werewolf werewolf or a vampire that's good is there a greater restoration on there remove curse oh yeah can remove lycanthropy that was one of the reasons i started studying it because of course you know my dad was bitten okay and the abbot cured him did he yeah what's up

is the abbot doing remove garse is the abbot is the abbot cool the abbot is mysterious what i will tell you about the abbot

he's been in this town

for longer than anyone can remember and it doesn't look like he's aged today.

And so

after

I was brought back to life and my dad was cured, the abbot, he made an arrangement with my dad.

And we have an arrangement right now because you cannot tell anyone I told you this.

Yeah, no, Liz.

Yeah, you got it.

And you didn't kill anyone with your teleportation service.

Exactly, right?

Wow, we get it.

We are just scholars sitting in my study, in my parlor, discussing the latest magical innovations and trends.

And this is kind of what I'm wanting, I realize, is just friends who I can discuss things openly.

Yeah, yeah, sort of a scholar circle.

So anyway, he made an arrangement with my dad to supply, you know, food and wine, just lots and lots of barrels of wine.

More than you would think that the town could provide, but lots of barrels of wine and food.

And also,

he wanted the hunters to bring him any werewolves he found.

Oh,

okay.

Find any werewolf.

So they're bringing...

So I'm going to say this right in front of our guy here.

Yeah.

Because

you seem as anti-this town as we are.

So I'm just going to speak openly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There are animal humanoids up in the abbot.

We saw them there when we were spying them.

Yeah.

I'm wondering if there's a situation where he's quote-unquote curing lycanthropy by

making them become other animals instead of wolves or something and keeping them like complacent by keeping them drunk.

Does that make sense?

Like less, I don't know, aggressive animals or something?

It doesn't seem like something a holy man would do, but again, I don't know much about him other than occasionally he'll come down to that little pool over by our house.

You know, the one by the gazebo?

Sure.

And he'll scoop a pitcher of water out of that.

But other than that, the only time he comes down is if, you know, my dad needs something really bad, like when he was bitten.

or when he comes to retrieve the wine.

Okay.

Where's your dad now?

He's out.

It's probably about time to light the wolf's head.

Yeah, you look out the window and you see that

the day is waning and soon it will be night.

Who's in the wolf's head?

It's just symbolic.

There's no one in there.

There's no one in there.

I mean, if somebody, like, my dad's threatened to put people in there if they like really break a lot of laws.

But most people, you know, you put them in a donkey head, put them in the stocks, and then, you know, they

don't really see much of them after that.

Have you heard anything about a wedding happening at the Abbey?

A wedding?

I look confused as I'm wearing a bridal gown.

Yeah, I feel like mom.

You could get yourself into a lot of trouble with that.

That would be a perfect thing to wear to the wedding, Onyx.

It would be distracting.

You could potentially convince those idiots that you're the bride.

Why do you think I put it on?

Now, I haven't heard anything about a wedding.

I mean, my dad does like to make a big to-do about weddings in town, so I feel like I would have heard about it.

And what about this scroll that we don't understand what's on it?

Oh,

let me see.

You see, he puts on the tiniest fucking pins neses you've ever seen.

Those can't be doing anything.

Yeah, they're clearly pins nazis.

They're clearly from one of Blinksy's dolls, but he's like wearing them as if he's an actual scholar.

Oh,

this is interesting.

It's in old Barrovian.

It says,

Magic mirror on the wall, summon forth your shade.

Night's dark vengeance, heed my call and wield your murderous blade.

I immediately go down to the mirror and say this.

Yeah,

excuse us, Victor.

We have something to do.

Yeah, sure.

Excuse me.

Okay, do not tell anyone what I've done.

Just drop by anytime if you want biscuits, tea.

Yeah, could you modify the glyph of warding so we don't have to have it dispelled?

Of course.

And also, he grabs your arm as you're about to leave.

Take me to see Sonic.

So you do

it.

You heard his name.

In your dying strolls, you not only saw the world of Sonic, but actually heard someone say, hey, Sonic.

I saw a small fox with two tails say, hey, Sonic, wait up.

We will send you to Sonic.

Also, if you want to get started on a scroll,

do we want to just do Fireball so we could burn down the Abbey?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's do that.

Fireball into some Alchemist Fire.

Badass.

You make this pact with Victor, and then you head back into the bedroom.

And then we speak.

Who wants to speak speak to the mirror and the wall?

Do you want to do it, Jens?

Yeah, Jens, you should do it.

Yeah, Jens.

What if something comes out of the mirror and kills you?

You have,

you're burnt out.

Yeah.

You need something.

You need some meat down.

Do something just for you.

Be selfish.

What is my

scared?

What is self-care?

She's staring at her.

And just looks in the mirror.

And I just say whatever those words are.

Can I get one of those?

Yes.

I give her three.

This is fucking incredible.

Marina just takes it down like a champ and then starts on the second one.

Wow, I'm learning so much from my Swordmaster.

Okay, so you give Marina the cigarette and you walk over to the mirror.

You see that as you look into it, it almost seems as if something is standing behind you or your reflection.

But when you look back, you see nothing.

But you steal your confidence and you read the words.

Magic mirror mirror on the wall, summon forth your shade.

Night's dark vengeance, heed my call, and wield your murderous blade.

As soon as you see these words, a dark figure materializes behind your reflection.

I'm so happy for you, Jens.

Finally.

It's a darkly handsome man of about 30 years of age.

with bloodshot eyes.

He places a hand on your reflection's shoulder, and as it lands there, you feel a chill in the material world.

The figure leans close towards your ear and whispers,

Who would you have me kill?

And that's where it ends up,

oh my gosh.

Oh my god, there's too many people.

You've got a fucking laundry list at this point.

I swear to God, if you use it on Ismark.

Ismark's one of my closest friends.

Ask anyone.

Yeah.

Ismark's learned a lot from Jens.

Oh my fucking lord.

Man, I'm glad you've got like a whole week to sit on that and think about who you want to kill.

We can talk about it on the short rest.

If you would like to listen to that short rest, where we engage in murder debate 2025,

you can do that by going to patreon.com/slash nadpod.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

because we've got things we need to plug uh anyone got stuff yeah we've got dimension 20 live show we're doing starstruck in vegas search dimension 20 live to get tickets yeah

i'm hoping to wear sequins but if not sequins some kind of big bold dress it's in vegas you've got a sequin you got a dazzle yeah and murph is of course uh going as the fountain yes that would be the bellagio fountain the bellagio yeah come look for our big, wet, gushing guy.

What a blowhard.

So I wanted to shout out a few things we got from the P.O.

box.

Some real fun, wacky stuff.

Claire F sent us a shining leaf flower beetle encased in resin.

Oh my goodness.

It was for my daughter who loves beetles.

That's great.

And she saw it and her eyes lit up as if I had given her like a gold coin.

So thank you so much, Claire.

And also, thank you for the card that you sent that uh that claire herself designed it was really nice so thanks so much claire amanda d sent us a children's book called when you find the right rock uh which you know will be a hit at our house so thank you so much amanda um zach sent us a pin dragon starter box it's a tt rpg based on a thurian myth so i feel like that'll be some very interesting research

And on the topic of rulebooks, Matt B and Renee sent us Break, an anime-inspired RPG rulebook.

I've paged through it, and the art is incredible.

They also sent us a Knuckles Pez dispenser and a kite.

So, really, just a beautiful set of everything.

Whoa, that just about sums it up.

Kite to me and the beach, eating pez and flying knuckles.

I also want to say,

as we've done this entire recording session, Cobwell's just been sitting on a 30-sided die.

Oh, yeah.

What?

That's my month die in case one of you turns into a werewolf.

Oh!

We'll talk more about that in the short rest.

Yes, we will.

Anyone else have anything they want to plug?

Check out my Substack, substack.com slash at Jake Kurwitz.

Sweet.

And you can follow us on social media that we may or may not use at Seas Rushmee, at Caldeys Caldwell, Addie Extras Emily, and at Jake Riches Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NADPOT.

That's NADDPOD.

We are we are the youth of the nation.

We are we are the youth of the nation.

It's the end of the show, and you know what that means?

It's time to shout out our benevolent Council of Elders, starting with Brad D., Jeffrey S., Lord of the Fjord, later Mixgater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle the dastardly dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T.

Balnor's Boy, Hoyd's friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trele the Crayfei, Christopher B., Daniel, say my whole name Rohi, Jordan L.

Cyborg version of Josh the Kobold.

Targot, Stevie Waggs, Hellish Rebuker, the NBDMPHD, Princess Yar,

Jory S.

Jack L, Nicholas C., star of every film ever made in Bohumia, Mike H., Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F., Carborough Chapel Hill FPV, Cece Lulu, Bald Byrne, Martieux Grange Guerman from France, Hercule Poirot, Son Rabbit Foc Detective, Timmy R.

Jake's Jerk Jelly, hashtag CCC, Cass Skateboard, Cass, Steven Sens, Scintillating Songs, C,

Nick Wolf, Nico the Underpaid English Teacher, William W.

Big Bad Bird of the Mad, Eric McD, Ananarama, Percival Fredrik, Stein von Mussel, Klausowski, DeRolo III, Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock,

Impressive Dongle, Ben A.

Dave H.

Dustin S.

Not That Nick, Danny F.

Hawkeye Pierce, Buck Var's Assistant Izzy F, Big Bat John, DPC is Awesome!

Shown the shade tree mechanic of Silboldar, Summer Rose Grand Terre, Mark the Dark Lord's Taint, Cat C, Misa of House and Zunza, Ariel the occasional mermaid, Selena and Valaci Raptor, B, Pergy, always,

Bonky Fiasco,

Pat L, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie the Faywild Therapist, Pierogi Frenzy, Celile, BioQuirt 7, Ember Dextrous, Bean Rat Was Innocent, Treb, hopdrapper, Jack H., King of the Mole People, under Iron Deep, dressed in blue, and fighting his way through a bracket style tournament.

Valen, Paj, the bitchin' bunny bard, Druidic Peyton, Carlin C., Noah, the bullywug boy, hashtag honor the cock, James G, everything bago the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet, Badger Stripey Man.

Han, Eric B.

Marcos PhD.

Eventually, Learns the Balanced Druid.

Frida M.

Maggie.

Holly the Green Laughing Hyena.

Grim Waller, Executive Chef of Bohumia.

Aaron B.

Russell H.

A monk named Dilgo.

Cody C.

Lorelei the Succubi and Kira the Succulent Snack.

Cow Go Truckin'.

Your friendly neighborhood yaunt and youngle Andrew and Sid.

Soon-to-be education specialist John Adams.

James F, Wayfair now has to do something with the trolls.

Get rid of them.

Turn to page 42.

Keep them.

Turn to page 69.

Oreo, Barpo Good Barrel Barbarian.

Garrett G., One Big Curd, Charlie Brown's best friend.

Renee, the monster captain.

Olivia, the enchanting bard, and Jared, the soap-opra cleric, are now preparing to debut their new song, Jesse's Grill at Spudfuckers.

That's good, I like it.

Blue Ash, Fico, Garrett, the Artificer, Anthony, the raddest of dudes, Jay, K-Guard, Fancy Matt, the fairies have returned to debauchery and must now go to the Carnal Corner.

Cantrip Dumbledore, the bare onesie-wearing barbarian, Lexi H.

MJ the BFG, Roger L., No Drog, the Pass-a-Fist Barbarian, Jean-Luca, Leon Komori, legendary hero of Bahumia from a future campaign, Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Joshua S.

Alexander, Lins W.

Sky the Wise, aka the lone dungeon master, the spud

himself, Johnny Dudke,

the Mischief of Nat Pod's Familiars, Pavu Eskinar, the Goliath Paladin, providing service with a smile, Kit and their cat, awhile, Jakewell Murphaly, Tim M, Dragon Knight86, Tiles Lamar, TR, MLG Cheeto, Shelby, Canada's first favorite sprite girl.

Goodbye, Hoggs, let's goon in the chicken wing cream one last time.

It's still vegan, I think.

Jet S, Snailess, who's infecting Worcestershire for within.

Papa Skydes, Mima Skydes, Megan N.

Genevieve of the Sea, Anthony B.

Balnor's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of House in Sinza,

Benjamin A.

Gimli the Corgi, Papa and Foster's canine friend, Michael A.

S.

Tear Crickwater Enjoyer, Josh Hull, Pilot of the Nightmare Verse Flight.

The two crew blew through.

Kelsey A.

Ethan the Mailman.

Maple the shy bookworm.

Nick A.

J.

Ashosaurus.

Seth the stroker, bearer of all hog-related burdens.

Billy Batson.

Tori the tungsten dragoose.

Accidental sharer of recipes.

Michael Lyle S.

II.

Carl B.

Plumber of the Realm, Ace Dregs, High Lords of Kritzburg, Vin Diagram, Catamilius the Consumed, Clinton P.

Cam, the vampire frogman, Dean, Jake W.

Hi Mom, Tuesday Cross, only here for the surf in Murph.

Me too, my friend.

Nad Pod fan and Bar Mitzford man, it's Dave O.

Steve L.

Tyler M.

Alex G, Zipper the Backery, Kaylee, Katerina C., Misty the Crispy Kitty, really hates flameskulls.

Victoria R, Greg W.

There's so many of us now, but hey, you're doing great, we love you.

Thank you, we love you.

Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation menotaur, working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide,

Chupa Cobre, Boney is dead.

The Waterworth, your four-legged Greg companion.

Nick, Amy, Aegis Canari, Ignition Class Petal Storm.

Not a DJ, but will still take the gig.

DJ Dramamine.

Always take the gig.

Auric von Zorovich.

My favorite patron makes me say penis on my show, as if I wasn't already.

Chef Julie B.

Jen rules kinda.

Caitlin H.

Buttwax, Pramilla Pibble Pabble featuring Plumbo.

Oh, peas are so fun to say.

Tomas C.

And finally, Dark Lotus Creations.

Thank you all.

We love you so much.

Goodbye, sweeties.

That was a Head Gum Podcast.