Adventure Book Theatre: Goosebumps - Night in Werewolf Woods

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This is a head gum podcast.

They made a book about a video game.

Game, game, game.

We made a podcast about that

book.

Welcome to Adventure Book Theater, everyone.

I swallowed my opera glasses.

As you will.

It is spooky season, everyone.

So we thought we'd do another Give Yourself Goosebumps.

Oh, man.

It's been a minute since my skin pimpled.

It has been a long time.

This time we're going to do Night in Werewolf Woods.

We had a few books to choose from

that were sort of spooky Halloween themed books.

Jake, you were excited for this one over Zombie Pen Pal?

The Zombie Pen Pal looked like Olympic loser.

It was.

It was so.

So Zombie Pen Pal is a choose your own adventure.

We sent out a group text being like, which one should we read?

And Zombie Pen Pal has the funniest cover because it just is,

you hear Zombie Pen Pal, and you're like, that's fun, right?

Not fun.

No.

Just absolutely just picture of like the most boring zombie standing there with like a piece of paper on like a dark street.

He doesn't look scary.

Yeah.

He doesn't look like he's like a jovial.

He looks frail.

Pen Pal, I just, it sounds like a hello goodbye song.

Yeah.

And I leafed through it, and lo and behold, it wasn't fun.

Yeah.

But I'm still waiting for it someday.

Old RL has come back around with another banger for me.

You can't go wrong with the goose.

And here is

how I knew this was the one.

This is how I knew this was the one.

I'm going to kick it off.

I'm going to start reading.

Ready?

Nerd alert, nerd alert.

We interrupt your perfect summer holiday at Deep Woods Lake Lake to bring you the special nerds news.

What?

Your parents have invited their best friends.

Honey, turn this into a business.

Mr.

and Mrs.

Morris and their super nerd son, Todd, to share the cabin with your family this year.

We are.

Are we also a nerd?

No.

Emily, if you have to ask, I misunderstood.

I thought it was like

90s.

We hate nerds.

Baseline, we're bullies.

We're fucking rap.

Being interested in stuff sucks.

We need to fucking fit in.

It is the 1990s, Emily.

Todd is a fucking nerd and we can't be seen with him.

I do.

We have to shove Todd.

Nerd alert is saying alerting all nerds.

No, no.

It's alerting all rads.

We're such an optimistic read.

Jesus.

We might have to distance ourselves from Emily.

Is she a nerd?

She might be a nerd, dude.

Oh my god.

It's the 90s.

Like, we have to.

How do I wash off eight years of nadpod?

I don't know.

She thinks a nerd alert is like a call to other nerds.

Wait a minute.

I'm just realizing she's been like reading books.

She

read fucking books.

I'm concerned about it.

I got her English binder.

It's full of drawings of Sailor Moon characters.

Holy fuck.

No.

Coldwell Puncher.

Yeah.

You got a dead arm, dude.

We're going to try to overlook this: that Emily thinks a nerd alert is that you're trying to find other nerds.

Oh my God.

I think I'm going to be sick.

A nerd alert is for regular people, aka bullies, to know when a fucking nerd is around, Emily.

Jesus.

Hold on.

I've got to go try chewing tobacco at a Wendy's for the first time.

Thank you.

God damn, we need to hang out at a fucking gas station parking lot.

All right.

So your parents have invited their best friends, Mr.

and Mrs.

Morris, and their super nerd son, Todd, to share the cabin with your family this year.

You can't believe it.

Your worst nerdmare has just come true.

God, we're so stupid.

This can't be happening to me, you say aloud, as your family's estate car pulls up.

We're so rich.

Wait, your family's estate car?

Why the heck is an estate car?

We have an estate car.

Todd is fucking poor, Emily.

And he's a fucking idiot.

Wait a second.

I need an estate card described for me.

Is that where you have a separate estate and a separate car for the estate car?

I don't know how it works yet.

Okay.

It's got to be a long car.

Your ass.

It's got to just be a long car.

Apparently it's British English.

A car with large carrying area behind these seats accessed by a door through.

Oh, it's a station wagon.

Okay, it's just a station wagon.

Oh my God.

We're kind of nerds.

Is Todd cool?

That's the question because we call a fucking station wagon an estate car.

Posturing.

Yeah.

I think RL is trying to be a little posh on the show.

Because in the UK, they call it an estate car.

We pull up at Woods World.

You've already spotted the Morris's car.

It's parked beneath a string of colored lanterns hanging over the entrance to Woods World.

Woods World is the cabin community that your family has holidayed at every summer since you were a baby.

Holiday.

Okay, so this is British.

He's feeling

British.

This is feeling really fucking British.

Is R.L.

Stein British?

I don't think he's British.

Royal Lord Stein.

Why is he.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm scared.

Because, like, we might be British.

Okay.

He's from Ohio.

So something's wrong.

A British jock?

Do we have

Ohio and Cornwall?

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

I just clicked into the Wikipedia article.

It is Ohio and Cornwall.

Or maybe like a football hooligan.

Yeah.

Okay.

Then you spot Todd.

Oh my God.

He's gawky, stringy hair, and wears thick, black-rimmed glasses.

Who fucked up?

Those are cool now.

Those aren't cool anymore.

Nerdler.

Those were cool in aughts pornography.

Those are cool in the aughts.

We've all moved on.

Nobody has seen a ukulele yet.

I have a fucking mustache now.

Hey, hey, what do you say?

Todd calls to you.

His big hand whirly birds out of the car window in a nerdy wave.

Hey, hey, what do you say?

Sounds British also, right?

I think we're British.

Okay.

Oh, my.

Holy shit.

We describe our mom as our mom.

Okay, yeah.

So you're going to need to

need to do the act.

Holy shit.

You're getting it.

So we're in the English countryside.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So I'll do like sort of an Austin Powers thing just so it's still accessible to our American friends here.

Okay.

And I'll sort of change some of the stuff.

Feel free to also Dr.

Eva at any time.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, baby.

Todd is different now, says your dad.

Oh, he's different, all right.

Do I make you horny, baby?

Okay, I know.

That's in the book.

No, none of that automatic stuff.

Okay.

Okay, so be nice, your mom cautions.

Yes, maybe Todd is different now, says your dad.

I love that in the 90s, dads were like, look, I understand why you hate nerds.

I also hate nerds, but maybe he's not a fucking geek anymore, right?

Oh, he's different, all right, you moan, from everyone else on this whole planet.

Whoa.

Okay, during page two.

Thanks, RL.

That's how books work.

Your estate car and the Morris's car both roll up the gravel drive next to Evergreen Cabin.

You gaze around.

Nothing has changed since last summer.

The woods behind your cabin are still dark and deep.

The sparkling blue lake in front of the cabin is as smooth as glass.

A narrow, sandy beach stretches into an easy curve around the shoreline of the lake.

Paint a picture, RL.

Thanks.

The sun is almost set, leaving behind a fiery pink-orange glow in the sky.

There's enough daylight left for you to notice a note taped to the screen door of your cabin.

Cool, you cry.

Just look at it.

You're not a nerd.

You're not a nerd.

Maybe not a nerd.

Fuck, dude.

Is Todd like an indie god?

Like, is Todd like Emily might be Todd, right?

I think Todd is emo before Emo was holy shit.

Yeah, Todd is yet to bloom.

Yeah.

You're witnessing a nascent Todd.

Todd is going to ascend in college.

Is this freaking Matt from Matt and Kim?

Todd Todd goes on.

That was from Netflix, right?

That was not take me to your best friend's house, right?

No, that was a different band.

All right, anyway, moving on.

Okay, cool.

You cry.

You jump out of the car.

That must be a note from my friends, you tell your parents.

You sprint across the hallway.

It must be my mates.

Yeah, true.

I actually think we might not be British anymore.

We're not.

Yeah, we still have to be.

I've been really trying to decide if we're supposed to be British or not.

Yeah, baby.

It might be a note from my friends.

That makes me horny, baby.

Yeah.

You pull the note off the cabin door.

To read what the note says, turn to page three.

Thanks, RL.

That's how it looks.

Do you think that we should do like a content warning to be like Austin Powers authorization for this many names?

Heavily, yeah.

Features heavily in this episode.

Google might get too horny.

You unfold the note.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

This is one of those.

All right.

This is making me read a lot.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

There's someone named.

Oh, the Murphy Brothers.

Okay, wait.

Oh, wow.

You unfold the note.

You read it aloud kids only campfire tonight 8 p.m.

at the beach Wonderful your mom cries as she hurries up behind you.

It's only seven o'clock now.

You can help unload the car and then go.

This will be a perfect opportunity for the other woods world kids to meet Todd

Fuck dude.

Todd's debut.

Do you want to go bring my guitar?

The note is from the Murphy Brothers?

No, we don't.

I read ahead.

Let's see.

And a perfect opportunity for them to think I'm a nerd too because I'm with him, you mutter, but no one hears you.

Your parents and Mr.

and Mrs.

Morris have gone inside the cabin.

You watch Todd unload his stuff from the car.

As he pulls out a red tin box, three very large red-haired boys bike up your driveway.

They're the Murphy brothers.

Yes, dude.

Friggin' bully Todd, please.

Jess Buck and Sharky.

Welcome to Woods World Sharky.

Jess Buck and Sharky?

That sounds like something I would name outdoor cash.

Yeah.

Sharky Murphy fucking rules.

Yeah.

Welcome to Woods World, Nerdo.

The oldest brother Sharky taunts Todd.

Sharky is 15.

Holy shit, he's so fucking old.

He looks as if he has been lifting weights since he was two years old.

Last summer, a kid told you that Sharky got his nickname because getting into a fight with Sharky is like trying to survive a shark attack.

I see you brought us a present, Sharky says to Todd.

He grabs a tin box and tosses it to his youngest brother, Jess.

Hey, Todd shouts.

That's my pewter figure collection.

Bring that box back.

Whoa.

Okay, Todd.

I wanted to be finished here.

Tears form in his eyes as the Murphy brothers pedal away, taking the box with them.

Turn to page 12.

This is totally unshagged out.

Okay, what the heck is Pewter figurine?

He's in a Warhammer.

Oh,

actually, they're his little miniature.

Yeah, but I guess since he's British, they're probably like actually little, like, you know, army soldiers.

They could, but the Brits love Warhammer.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That's true.

I also can't help but notice how quick our parents and the Morrises pawned Todd off on us to go mysteriously into the castle.

Oh, the parents are gone.

They're swinging.

I feel like they think they're swinging.

Oh, my God.

They've got

a date with the Murphys later.

Yeah.

It did mention that they had pineapple shirts on and they walked in and they held hands with each other's spouses.

Whoa.

He's your estate car in the bowl.

Yeah.

You try to pretend that you don't see Todd crying, but this kid is like, oh my God.

This is so funny.

It's so funny that in the 90s, we're just like, baseline, you fucking hate other kids and you hate it when they cry and you want to make fun of them.

You have to fit in.

It's so important.

I think that we see Todd crying and we're like, you have a freedom that I won't allow myself.

Yeah.

Very true.

You are Owl City and you need to write fireflies.

Yeah.

And he would.

10,000 fireflies.

Yeah.

That's a good one.

And maybe he wrote that about freaking Woods Wars.

Maybe he wrote that about his pewter figurines.

Yeah.

Boo hoo, boo hoo, Todd cries.

Tears spurt out of his eyes like a water main break in the middle of mainstream.

He's crying a lot.

Whoa.

All right, all right.

You find all Ron, all right, you find me sex.

I'll go to the campfire and get your precious pewter collection back.

I'm coming too, Todd says.

He wipes his nose on his sleeve.

Gross.

You glance over at the porch.

The parents are so busy talking, they don't notice that Todd's tears are flooding the place.

Does it say if they're fondling each other?

Yeah, and then they're grabbing each other's drunk.

Now you have to decide if you're going to take Todd to the campfire or leave him to cry at the cabin so we can take Todd or leave Todd.

Okay.

Okay.

I think we need to take Todd.

Yeah.

Because here's the thing.

If you look at it from a shrewd anti-nerd thing,

Todd's going to get all of the nerd hate.

Yeah, because the Murphy brothers.

Let's face it, we're not as fucking strong as the Murphy brothers.

We're like bringing him like a sacrifice to the Murphy brothers to get their good graces.

He needs Todd to pull aggro on the Murphy brothers.

Yeah, right.

He needs to tank this.

Okay, so we're going to bring Todd.

We're going to drag Todd and go to page six.

The idea of being a nerd tank for bullying.

I will be so nerd that no one else else can be bullied.

By wedgie sponge.

Okay.

Can we do a parents chapter quick?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So it goes into detail about how Mr.

Morris and your mom go in the room for like a long time and Mrs.

Morris and your dad go in a different room, but your dad finishes super quick.

Oh.

And they sort of come out, Mrs.

Morris and your dad, and have to wait a long time.

And then your dad says, like, it's not a competition, right?

Right.

Oh, like several times, and Mrs.

Morris doesn't.

He hears his wife having an earth-shattering orgasm from the other room with Mr.

Morris.

He's like making tea as the headboard just slams

against the wall.

And Mrs.

Morris keeps trying to make excuses to go join them.

Yeah.

And then, but your dad looks

like a use a little help with my shepherd's pie.

Yeah.

And then finally, your dad goes to the bathroom and Mrs.

Morris does go join.

And your dad's just eating, having dinner by himself.

And your dad's staring in the mirror, being like, am I British?

You have to tell me if i'm british is being british my bag baby if my son calls my wife mom does that mean i'm british right um what's so crazy is that like looking at todd is kind of like looking at a distorted mirror of ourselves are we related to todd Whoa, especially with all the

all the undocumented switching between our parents.

Is that why we hate Todd?

Is because we see a little bit of ourselves in Todd.

Yeah.

Todd secretly aren't.

And Todd's dad practices edging, so he jizzes so much.

Shit, whereas your dad is so sad.

Whereas your dad is so fucking quick.

He usually jizzes as he's unzipping his pants.

So there's not a lot of semen left.

Yes.

It doesn't even make it in.

So I moaned.

Is Todd's dad our dad?

Okay, you can't help feeling sorry for Todd.

You decided to take him to the campfire.

Maybe if those Murphy brothers see you crying, they'll feel sorry for you too, you tell Todd.

They're in the meanest boys I've ever met, Todd Wales.

He takes a packet of tails.

Well, Wales.

You have to relax.

Yeah, he's Todd.

Wales is near England, so that's why he said that.

He takes a packet of tissues out of his shorts pocket and blows his nose loudly.

Really, Todd, you say?

You'll scare them with that honking more than they could ever scare you.

I just want my pewter collection back.

It's my most precious possession.

As soon as Todd says this, the taps open again.

He can't stop crying.

I can't go to the campfire.

He sobs.

My sinuses are all clogged.

Todd, Todd,

what happened in the car on the way here?

Did you hear something go down between your mom and your dad?

My parents really were excited to have sex with your mom.

And no one was excited to have sex with your dad.

And I'm afraid what that means for this weekend.

Mrs.

Morris kept saying, don't leave me alone with you.

Yeah.

Okay.

You'll have to face them alone, I guess.

Alone, you repeat, cheering up immediately without you, Todd.

I'm sorry, Todd weeps.

I just don't feel like going to a party tonight.

If you insist, you say happily.

Okay, we're getting kind of railroaded here, Alstein.

We thought we were going to bring him.

Okay, page nine.

Choo-choo.

Choo choo.

Railroad.

Yeah, we're getting

cat.

Nice.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.

You leave Todd to cry alone at the cabin.

You stay here and unpack your stuff.

You say to Todd, I'll go to the campfire and get the box back for you.

You hurry out the cabin door.

You head for the usual campfire spot at the south end of the beach.

A giant fire is already blazing when you arrive.

You see your friend, Lauren Woods.

Okay,

her parents own her.

Her parents' own Woods World.

Come on.

That's not why it's called fucking Woods World.

That's cheese-offs.

There's not even trees here.

R.L.

It is the beef.

You're railroading us and just being like, they call it the forest because Jake Forrest found this place.

Well, it could be spelled like the British Wave of Woods.

So W-O-D-E.

It's not.

Yes, it's not.

Reading the books.

Okay.

She and the regular crowd of Woods World kids are sitting around the fire listening to Sharky Murphy tell a creepy story.

Remember the legends of the werewolves, Sharky is saying mysteriously.

At first, you may think you are talking to a friend.

Then when the full moon comes out from behind a cloud, you'll see hair begin to grow on your friend's face.

Fangs take the place of teeth.

A voice that once was human turns to a beastly howl.

Sharky pauses and lowers his voice to a whisper.

Look, he says, the full moon is out tonight.

This is a perfect night for werewolves of Woods World to appear.

No one is safe here.

Not now.

Not ever.

Go to page 28.

Full moon also makes sense why all the parents are so horny right now.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Right.

That's why Mrs.

Morris is howling.

Yeah.

Do you guys think Todd is a werewolf?

Ooh.

Do you think that's why he's such a freaking geek?

Oh,

because I was saying what happened on the way over here, and maybe it is just the general anxiety of what's coming.

Of the full moon, full moon.

Maybe, okay.

Yeah, it's crazy that Sharky is allowed to talk about werewolves, which is admittedly a nerdy subject, but I guess he's just got that confidence and that swagger, right?

It's because he's jacked.

He's been lifting since he was two.

It's because he's so fucking strong.

Sharky laughs, and he will laugh as he finishes the stories.

The kids sitting around the campfire study each other's faces, searching for hair or maybe fangs.

As Cloud covers the full moon, the campfire party breaks up.

Everyone says good night.

Lauren Woods laughs as she calls to you.

Nighty night, don't let the werewolves bite.

Have you you ever seen a werewolf sharky?

One of the younger kids asked before he leaves.

Ha!

Laughs, Sharky.

My brothers and I saw plenty of werewolf tracks in the woods just before we came to this campfire.

Isn't that right, Jess?

Yeah, the youngest Murphy brother says, We saw the wolf tracks when we were burying that nerdy kid's box.

So you think to yourself, they buried Todd's box, but where?

You promised to get the box back for Todd.

But should you go out alone tonight when the moon is full?

If you decide to look for the box tonight, turn to page 13.

If you decide to go back to the cabin, turn to page 71.

I have to say, burying something feels very wolf behavior.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, that is what wolves love to do.

Yeah.

So we can't go back yet because our parents said that we cannot come back until at least midnight.

Yeah.

And if we come back, we should bring sandwiches.

Yeah.

I think that we should go try to find

the podcast.

Because the other, the alternative is like facing the familiarity in Todd's face.

Yeah.

And reckoning with the fact that like we're likely really and Todd is talking to our dad right now in the kitchen.

and our dad keeps asking where did your mom go

yeah like and dad needs validation and we don't want to have to

be like teenage boy ring bearers like at our parents remarrying so yeah and it's just gonna be awkward yeah a promise is a promise you promised todd you would get his box back tonight you decide you have to go into the woods alone it's no big deal you think to yourself i've been coming to woods world forever i've never seen werewolves here before you follow the murphys up a gravel path to the woods you hope they will lead you to the box the only problem is the murphys are nowhere in sight they've sprinted up the path in the darkness you peer ahead but see nothing.

The full moon is behind a cloud.

Total darkness surrounds you like a thick blanket.

The woods are silent tonight.

Even the raccoons and other night creatures seem to have gone to bed already.

Nothing is out here.

Transport us, RL.

Nothing except me, you say softly to yourself.

How, ow, ow, ow, ow.

You whirl around.

What made that horrible noise?

You glance to your right and then to your left.

Nothing.

You continue along the path.

The gravel crunches under your trainers.

Oh, the trainers were British.

So British.

And then you see it, a light flickering up ahead.

Turn to to page 106.

Another clue.

We were British all along.

Yeah.

Who is my dad and am I British?

It is the iconic questions we all spend our whole lives trying to answer.

A candle burns in a jar next to a large boulder on the side of the path.

As you hurry closer, a breeze makes the flame flicker.

There's a note taped to the large rock.

You bend down and grab the note.

Did someone leave this for you?

You draw the candle close, squinting in the darkness to read writing.

Wax drips and hardens on the side of the jar as you read the note aloud.

The werewolves of Woods World, they love to see red.

So the box that was Todd's is now their box instead.

The werewolves of Woods World disappear at dawn, so you must find the box before this night is gone.

Okay, so they've left us a little puzzle.

Yeah.

Okay.

So the werewolves are like game masters.

They're game masters.

So this does lend credence to the theory that Todd is a werewolf because maybe all the werewolves are nerds.

Or is Todd freaking Van Helsing and pewter things are actually silver?

Oh wow.

Is that such a good guess?

Thanks on that.

You fucking, you fucking stone cold.

Yeah.

I stone cold freaking solved it.

Yeah.

Werewolves, this must be a joke, you tell yourself, but you can't help gazing into the darkness, searching.

You hold your breath and listen.

Then you hear the crackling of twigs.

Footsteps, you're not alone after all.

Someone or something is out here with you.

Turn to page 133.

Okay, we hide.

We hide.

Actually, we take out a gun.

We take out a gun and we shoot

into the darkness.

Shoot straight up into the sky to announce that we're here.

Yeah, that's a good arm.

We scream nerd alert while we're on the bottom.

We scream nerd alert and we shoot into the air.

Does pewter do something different to werewolves and silver?

I don't eat elemental metal do something different.

It makes them horny, baby.

Yeah, it makes them horny.

That was Todd's point.

Well, it makes them horny, so then they'll fuck each other instead of killing us.

Oh.

Quickly, you duck behind an old tree stump as you shoot your gun off into the air.

I do make you horny, baby.

Yeah.

You listen for the footsteps again.

They're closer now, but in the darkness, you can't exactly tell where they are coming from.

Your heart pounds like a jackhammer.

Footsteps.

Closer, closer, closer.

Ah, you scream.

A hand is on your shoulder.

You're afraid to look.

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, what do you say?

Todd's voice breaks through your scream.

Really?

You have a catchphrase?

And it's also a rhyme, just like the note.

Hey, hey, what do you say?

Yeah, hey, hey, what do you say?

Is it more?

Well, oh, you know what it is?

It's like an early indies refrain.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, what do you say?

Oh, hey,

yeah.

Lots of clapping, tambourine.

It also feels like it could be like a football chant.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's just me.

I came out to find you.

After all, it's my box, and I should help you find it.

You can't believe this guy.

He just scared you out of your wits.

How does he know?

How does he know?

He might be a freaking werewolf or a werewolf hunter we're trying to figure this out

uh he's tried he just scared you out of your wisdom wits and he's still talking about that stupid box you catch your breath and try to slow your heartbeat down to normal get a life todd you snap at him you shouldn't sneak up on me like that i just want to help find the box todd whines look oh my god man we're all looking to find the box aren't we right look i even brought a torch you're glad it's todd and not a werewolf in fact you're glad for any company on a night like this wait todd brought a torch it's a that's the british word for flashlight oh okay, got it.

Yeah, wow.

Follow me, you say, which way?

Turn to page 75.

Maybe they went to the McDonald's.

MACAS.

This way, you answer, towards the two red lights.

You lead the way through a wall of thorny bushes.

There should be a path to the beach around here somewhere, you say.

Youch, Todd cries.

You stupid thorns are scratching me all up.

Better watch out.

You don't bleed too much, you joke.

What?

You don't want those werewolves to catch the scent of fresh blood.

Todd's knees tremble as the two of you push through the overgrown vines and shrubs.

Are you sure this is the path?

Todd asks.

It's so dark out here.

I can't see a thing.

Before you can answer, you hear how.

This time, the terrifying noise is very, very close.

Oh no, Todd whines.

What was that sound?

You try not to panic for Todd's sake.

You flip on the torch switch.

Darkness still surrounds you.

You hit the torch on your hand.

Once, twice, still no light.

Stupid batteries, you mumble.

But even without light, you notice the ground under your feet changing from dry to slippery and very slimy.

Where are you?

Turn to page four.

No, this is in like my favorite show, Dr.

Ooh.

It's a cave.

In all the summers I've been coming to Woods World, you say to Todd, I never knew there was a cave out here.

Let's check it out.

Then you hear a voice from somewhere deep in the cave, a voice calling your name.

You think the voice sounds like Sharky Murphy, but you can't be sure.

Hello, you answer.

You start to move forwards into the deep black cave.

Todd tugs you back.

Don't go in, he warns.

Again, the voice from inside calls your name.

You feel pulled by the voice and pulled by Todd at the same time.

What's it going to be?

Go in or stay out.

To answer the call of the cave, turn to page 81.

If you feel safer listening to Todd and staying out of the cave, turn to page 36.

We have to listen to Todd because he is our brother.

I'm not going to listen to a nerd.

I will never listen to it.

And I feel like

we can't ignore the filial Todd in there.

Todd is going to save us.

Todd is Van Helsing.

I want to defy Todd also.

Really?

Because right now, like when it's saying, oh, the pull of Todd, the pull of Todd makes me want to prove myself.

It makes me want to be like, actually, I am your half-brother and I am half responsible for

that.

He's a few years away from founding Death Camp for Cutie and marrying Zoe Deschanel and then later divorcing her.

You don't think that.

She already has a messenger bag.

Yeah.

We're trying to get in on that new girl money.

Yeah.

Do we really not want to get in on that now?

Because it's like this could mess up because eventually she's going to marry a property brother.

True.

Okay.

This could change everything.

And they definitely seem on the opposite side of nerdlers.

Yeah.

Do we?

Okay.

So me and Carl don't want to listen to Todd.

Jake and Emily do not want to listen to Todd.

I don't want to listen to Todd.

Okay, she just roll for it.

Okay.

Okay, great.

Okay, so let's say

one through five, we listen to Todd.

I got it.

One through 10.

Don't listen to Todd.

One through 20, we listen to Todd.

One through 10, we listen to Todd.

13.

13.

13.

Okay, we don't listen to Todd.

All right.

Yes.

Take that property, brother.

Okay.

To answer the call of the cave, turn to page 81.

I just like really hope that we get to be like in the wedding pictures for Zoe Dashanol's wedding.

Yeah.

Come on, Todd.

You say.

We're going to be the ring bearer, obviously.

You reach over and hold onto his arm.

We're going in the cave.

We're not going to let those Murphy brothers scare us, are we?

We aren't, gulps, Todd.

I mean, no, we aren't.

A thin beam of moonlight shines into the mouth of the cave.

You can see that the floor is pure slime.

Take one step forward.

Your feet fly up into the air.

You land flat on your back and bring Todd down with you.

Then you and Todd start sliding faster and faster.

Whoa!

Your two voices blend into one.

You squeeze your eyes shut.

You feel as if you are sliding down the world's steepest water slide.

Down, down you go.

Faster, faster.

You and Todd zoom down a slime-slick tunnel in total darkness.

Wow.

Let's like throw up the shocker.

This sounds fun.

Yeah, okay.

We sing an entire postal service song.

Just when you think your body can't take one more second of this wild ride, it ends with a grand slam.

Bam.

You smash into a wet cave wall.

If you open your eyes now, go to page 85.

If you can't bear to look, keep your eyes closed and turn to page seven.

No, you have to fucking

embrace it.

We're great because the alternative is going home where it stinks like a threesome that one person's been left out.

Yeah.

You and Todd.

You and Todd hit the cave wall with a giant thud.

You both open your eyes at the same time and see the same eerie sight.

Eyes, hundreds, no thousands of bright yellow eyes, eyes in the ceiling, on the walls, on the floor.

Bats!

Todd exclaims, sounds more amazed than scared.

They won't hurt us.

I studied all about them for a science report.

Oh, he is emo.

Holy shit.

Todd, have you considered that you're actually an emo?

Todd looks at all the bats and starts saying bat facts.

You're not so sure Todd's right.

Two bats fly right by your face.

Their yellow eyes whiz past you like shooting stars.

The flapping of their webbed wings

creates a breeze that sends chills down your spine.

You whip your head around to move out of the bat's flight path.

As you duck down, you feel bat wings brush across your face and the tiny claws catch in your hair.

Okay, Todd, I do have to say, if you are a bat fact person, you have to understand that they are vectors for zoonotic diseases, especially within the depths of caves.

Todd doesn't get into it that much.

Then they fly away, yanking out small clumps of your hair as they go.

Ow.

The bats surround you.

You turn to find Todd.

It's hard to see through the thousands of flapping black wings.

Where is he?

Todd is standing next to you.

He is just as surrounded by by the beastly bats as you are, but Todd is acting like they are butterflies instead of bats.

He's even reaching out his hands to them.

Guys, is Todd cooler than us?

Yeah.

Or is he a bat?

Is he a vampire?

He's having like a superhero origin story.

A sudden gust of wind blows through the cave.

The bats beat their wings furiously, which creates an instant whirlpool.

The force pulls Todd backwards.

You can't believe your own eyes.

Todd is being sucked into a tunnel, a tunnel filled with yellow bat eyes.

Todd, you scream.

Bats, bats, everywhere, bats.

Todd yells as you watch him being drawn deeper and deeper into the tunnel.

They're beautiful.

You know, this kid was weird.

Now, where are you supposed to go down the tunnel of eyes after Todd or turn back and run for help?

Okay, he's a vampire, right?

That's what I'm thinking.

We're leaning vampire now.

Yeah.

Oh, because he would need the computer so that other people couldn't have it.

Maybe he's keeping it safe.

I don't know.

Are we going after Todd?

Yes, because right now we all

scared.

We made all these brave decisions, and then he gets to become a superhero.

No, he was just a tag-along.

If he's a vampire, we could maybe be a vampire too because of the blood, because we're related.

Yeah.

Okay.

I just worry that he said it's so beautiful.

That's what everyone says right before they die.

Yeah.

Okay.

We're following him.

You know, you have to try to save Todd from the bats.

Even if you have to face millions of bat faces yourself, you step into the tunnel.

You don't even try to fight the power of the tunnel's air currents.

You let your body be sucked into the open mouth of the black hole.

Suck me, bats.

Erotic.

Immediately you hear the thwap of flapping wings.

Thwap, thap, whap.

This is also what it sounds like back at the camp.

Yeah, back at the house.

The sound is so close to your ears, it's deafening.

You flap your own arms back at the bats.

This clears the way in front of you.

Now you can see the choice you must make.

There are two more tunnels at the end of this tight-squeezing passageway.

Above the sound of the bat wings, you hear the roaring of rushing waves of water.

The sound is coming from the tunnel on the left.

And from the tunnel on the right comes a wicked howling that can only be one thing: wolves.

To tackle the tunnel of waves, turn to page 51.

To brave the tunnel of wolves, go to page 130.

Okay.

We're not going the wolf way.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Counterpoint.

Why would we?

Counterpoint.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Counterpoint.

Okay.

If Todd is becoming some sort of bat superhero, then we are going to suddenly become at the bottom of the hierarchy of nerds.

So we need to become our own superhero.

The bats have already selected Todd for some freaking reason.

We needed to go try to get the werewolves to train us.

We need to become the Joker.

He's going to be bat-based when he gets out, and we have to be wolf-based.

I think we're going to die if we go to the wolf way.

And I think I'm going to die if we are more of a loser.

Okay, I'm voting to go waves.

Okay, Emily, where are you?

You're wolves.

Wolves.

Jake, do we think that Todd is becoming Morbius?

Is that the concern here?

Is he about to go through the Morbius state?

I think it is possible.

Jake, give me a vote.

I've been convinced by

Miss Axford's

defense of becoming a wolf.

So Todd isn't cooler than us.

Okay.

Caldwell.

Okay.

Can we go back to the parents real quick?

Yeah.

Okay.

They're still going at.

Okay.

They all put aside their differences and we're having a great, old-fashioned, great British organization.

I have a feeling that Mr.

Morris is now reaching out to the ego-bruised our dad

and like sort of like rubbing him on the back and kind of like easing him back into the melee episode.

Cheer up, mate.

She didn't come that much.

Okay, call those four for this vote.

We are doing the tunnel of wool.

I got what it came for.

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You have entered the tunnel of wolves.

Now you hear a bone-chilling how

again, how

only this time it isn't exactly bone-chilling.

It sounds more like chalk screeching on a blackboard.

I don't think that's a werewolf howl, you say aloud.

Then you see a very surprising sight.

It's Todd.

He looks awful.

His hair is covered in slime, dropped by the slugs on the cave's coiling.

His geeky face is completely white, and his mouth is wide open in a howling howling O-shape.

Todd, you shout, starling him out of his howling.

Are you totally nuts or what?

What are you doing?

I'm making the werewolves think I'm one of them.

Todd answers in a terrified and shaky voice.

I heard them running.

I didn't know what to do, so I started howling.

I don't believe it.

You say, Todd, you are.

Then you hear the werewolves too.

They're running.

But which way?

Towards you or away from you?

Turn to page 68.

Holy shit.

All of these slugs are going to style his hair in a really cool emo way.

Oh, that is so.

He's already learning to howl like a Screamo musician.

It's all coming together.

Dude, are you getting a Pete Wentz makeup?

The werewolves.

The werewolves, Todd shouts.

Start howling.

You grab Todd's shoulders and give him a good shake.

Snap out of it, Todd.

You order him.

It's either howl or run, he insists.

And we don't know which way the werewolves are heading.

There is one more choice, Todd.

You reply.

You point to a stream of light at the end of yet another tunnel.

Looks as if it might be the way out.

There, you say, oh, yeah, sure.

Todd says nervously.

I saw that tunnel earlier.

I saw that giant hole in the floor between us and the way out.

Just listen to this.

Todd drops a loose stone into the hole.

The two of you wait to hear it hit the bottom.

It never does.

A bottomless pit, Todd announces.

This time the howling isn't coming from Todd.

He's too busy talking about the pit.

It's the werewolves, Todd whispers.

Start howling.

No jump, you shout.

If you howl to save yourself, turn to page 33.

If you jump across the bottomless pit, leap to page.

We can't be caught dead howling.

I feel like if the Murphy brothers catch us pretending to be a wolf, we're just never going to.

Holy shit.

Yeah, we've got this far not listening to Todd.

He's telling us to do different things.

He's pulling us in different directions.

He doesn't know what's up.

He's covered in slug juice.

He thinks he's a bad.

I'm a little concerned.

Literally, his hairdresser is a slug.

Is anyone else concerned with the wording of this?

If you howl to save yourself, turn to page 33.

If you jump across the bottomless pit, leap to page 111.

It just seems

like he's teeing that stuff.

I actually was like, I think the three of us were in agreement.

Carl was like, we can't be caught dead.

And Jake was like, we've gotten this for our not listening to Todd.

So it's really not a discussion.

What is this if not a sibling rivalry?

You're right.

Very true.

We're thinking about this too hard.

Like in fact, if we're not mean to Todd, maybe Todd won't ever create the postal service.

You know what I mean?

And we won't get

that.

Right.

And also,

what are the such great heights if not us leaping over the house?

Oh my God.

What were we thinking?

Damn.

We have to jump across the pit, you insist.

It may be the only way out of this place.

I can't do it.

Todd whines.

You'll have to go first.

As soon as you hear the howling again, all your nervousness disappears.

Come on, Todd.

You cry.

The whirlwinds are getting closer.

Without another word, you back up a few steps and take a running leap.

It is so dark, you can't be sure if you're making it across the pit or not.

All you know is you're flying through the air.

In seconds, your feet land on solid ground.

Dirt crumbles under your heels.

You are half on, half off the edge of the pit.

Whoa, you cry, swaying back and forth over the open pit.

Don't leave me, Todd screams.

I'm trying my best not to, you snap.

You fall forward onto the ground in front of you.

Woo, that was close.

You can't finish the sentence because what you see standing behind Todd is making your mouth drop wide open.

Turn to page 41.

Oh, wow.

Todd's fucking dead, dude.

Todd, just like get those bats who are like all up your ass to just fly you over.

Right.

Werewolves, there are werewolves behind you.

You finally manage to scream.

Jump, Todd, jump.

You fumble with the faulty torch.

This time it goes on.

You point the flickering beam past Todd's slug-slimed head.

You aim for the eyes of the snarly beast.

Yes, it's working.

The light is hypnotizing them.

You shout.

Hurry, jump across.

Oh, Todd cries as he glances back and finds himself eyeball to eyeball with the werewolves.

Jump, you yell, jump.

As the werewolves reach out for him, Todd jumps.

You lean over the edge of the gaping pit and grab for Todd's outstretched hands.

You stretch your own arm as far as you can.

And if you catch Todd, turn to page 80.

If you don't catch Todd, plunge to page 61.

So we can just choose to catch Todd.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Choose to catch Todd.

Yeah.

I mean, he's our brother.

He's got to catch Todd.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In the end, he's our brother.

Right.

Okay.

Also, our parents will be so pissed if we fuck up their fuck weekend because they needed this.

Well, they've conceived at least two other children tonight, so it's probably fine.

Yeah.

You caught me, Todd exclaims, grabbing your hand.

We caught each other, you sputter.

Your hands grasp Todd's hand

over this hole.

Not really.

Yeah.

Your hands grasp Todd's hand over the hole.

Oh, no, we're falling.

I can't look.

Oh, we're falling down the hole.

Oh, brother, you think as you feel your arms and legs become all tangled up with Todd's?

Just my luck.

Of all the people in the world I could have fallen into a bottomless pit with, it had to be Todd Morris.

Down, down, down, you fall.

Head over heels with no end in sight.

Todd sticks to you like syrup to pancakes.

And now that you think of it, he's probably getting that syrupy slug juice all over you too.

You're not sure which is worse, having Todd glue to you or being slimed by slugs.

You have plenty of time to think about it since you'll be free falling for quite a while.

Turn to page 38.

Oh my gosh.

That's so crazy.

I thought we could just choose to successfully say.

Yeah, he got us.

He got us.

He got us.

He really did.

He gave us the old wireless run around.

This falling thing is starting to get boring.

With no bottom of the pit, there's nothing to look forward to.

Since there's nothing to see down below, you and Todd gaze up instead.

You immediately are hit in the eyes with drops of some liquid yikes todd screams there's a whole whole pack of those werewolves up there they're fucking pissing on us todd's right at the rim of the pit 20 or more hungry werewolves are leaning into the hole those drops that hit you in the eye were drops of pitch dripping from the dicks of the werewolves what no what

it's drips of drool from their face

gross the werewolves want food and you and todd are it You can feel their fire red eyes staring right at you.

A hot glob of drool hits the tip of Todd's ear and dribbles down the side of his neck.

Oh, disgusting.

He moans.

He pulls his hand away from your arms to wipe away the streaming drool.

Uh-oh, Todd is falling away from you.

You're both on your own now.

Go to page 102.

This is all exactly what's happening in the cabin with our parents.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hear you.

Yeah,

they've discovered a secret fuck pit.

You really can just intercut between all of the slug juice

and dad juice.

Yeah.

You hear from the darkness below you.

It's Todd, and he sounds very far away.

You have lost him now for sure.

Too bad, you think, sadly.

I was just starting to get used to having him around.

Goodbye, Todd.

You call as loudly as you can.

I'm sorry I said you were a nerd.

I really do like you, you know.

Honest.

With tears in your eyes, you call out one last.

Bye, Todd.

I'll miss you.

Really, I will.

You really will miss me.

A happy voice calls out unexpectedly right next to your ear.

Wow, that's swell.

Huh?

What's going on here?

Turn to page 93.

Okay, he's a bat.

Because I was thinking it goes against physics that we would be falling at different rates.

So he must have become, he must have entered bat form.

Oh, okay.

So that he's flying now.

Todd, you exclaim when you hear his voice right next to you.

What's happening?

How did I catch up with you so fast?

You didn't.

We caught up with you.

Before Todd can say more, you realize that you are no longer following.

You and Todd are both sitting on the back of some giant winged thing.

What the?

You start to ask.

It's a pterodactyl, Todd.

Huh?

Probably preserved in this pit for centuries.

The huge prehistoric flying reptiles moving its head first up, then down.

It seems to be asking you to choose which way you want to go, up or down.

Down?

I want to see more of me more dinosaurs.

I got to say,

you're mixing your stuff here.

Is it like in a tar pit?

This all makes sense.

It makes a lot of sense.

Oh, it's just in a pit.

It's bog logic.

Okay.

Yeah, it's just been preserved down here in the new transform.

All right, do we want to go down into the unknown, Mr.

Morris?

Because I feel like that's where RL is really spreading his wings.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go into the unknown.

Let's go into RL's bottomless pit.

Right, yeah.

The parents are exploring themselves.

You know what?

They're probably moving on to the psychedelics portion of the.

So, like, we need to do the same.

Yeah.

You and Todd agree.

You've had enough of the werewolves.

Let's keep going down.

You say, yes, Typries.

This pterodactyl.

I've had enough of this book.

Yep.

Let's do another book.

I've had enough of the title of this book.

This pterodactyl has figured out how to stay alive for centuries.

Maybe it will know how to keep us alive for the rest of the night.

Good thinking, you reply.

Then to the pterodactyl, you order, down, please.

With a giant flapping of its bony wings, the prehistoric creature points its head downwards.

You and Todd hold on to loose flaps of skin on its neck.

Down, down, down.

The dterodactyl flies.

Without warning, the downward flight takes a turn to the left.

You shine the torch straight ahead and spot a ledge.

Todd sees it too.

Look, he shouts, pointing over to the ledge.

We're going to land over there.

Turn to page 98.

We have the secret of immortality right beneath us.

It's a freaking pit.

We have to get a sample.

Yeah, seriously.

The pterodactyl nosedives down to the ledge with a great swooping motion.

You and Todd are sure you're going to be thrown over the creature's head, but the pterodactyl evens out its flight and glides to a smooth landing.

The two of you tumble off its back and onto the rocky ground.

Thank, you you start to say before you can get the whole word out.

Its wings are flapping again.

The pterodactyl is heading back into the darkness of the pit.

You and Todd are left alone on the narrow ledge.

Behind you, there's a door.

It slides open.

Going down, a man dressed in an elevator operator's uniform asks, What?

Do we have a choice?

Todd asks.

Is this a Jurassic Park crossover?

Always, the man says mysteriously.

Are we on the lost island?

Yeah, this is kind of like.

Is he wearing a white suit?

It looks like Colonel Sanders.

You peer over the ledge and see a greater nothing than you've ever seen.

you gaze up darkness you gaze down again darkness either way it looks the same to you totally frightening I guess we better get in the elevator you announce you push todd forward into the waiting car door closes behind you and Todd whirring sound begins but you don't feel any motion the closet size space is illuminated by dim red light the light seems to be blinking on off on off on off then you figure it out It's a time machine.

I know what's happening.

This is a time traveler, and he's making sure that everything in time stays on the right path so that Zoe Deschenel marries a property brother.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

That makes a lot of sense actually.

The property brothers are chronomancers for sure.

You know what?

Actually, I don't know if we're British or not because don't British people call elevators lifts?

That's what's happening.

It's supposed to be the lift.

We're turning.

Oh my God.

There's two timelines.

They need to correct the timeline so that we're British.

We're becoming American.

Yeah.

The red light is on when the elevator operator's eyes are open and off when his eyes are closed.

On when they're open, off when they're closed.

His eyes are the blinking red lights.

In the red glow, you notice the man's teeth are growing longer and sharper.

Todd elbows you sharply and cries.

He's one of them.

Turn to page 11.

Wait, it's a werewolf elevator?

Yeah.

Or a vampire or a bat or a slug or a man or a tear dack.

Anthropy.

There you go.

A hideous laugh erupts from the man's fanged mouth.

His eyes flash a brighter red, spotlighting a face covered with coarse werewolf hair.

Clawed hairy hands reach for your neck as the man growls.

Yes, I am one of them.

And soon you will be one of them, too.

He opens his fanged mouth to bite you.

Suddenly, you spot two buttons by the elevator door.

One reads stop, and the other reads go.

You stretch out your index finger and press one.

Go or stop.

We got to keep going, right?

Yeah.

We got to go.

We got to find this one.

Are we in Hollow Earth?

Are werewolves from Hollow Earth?

Is that what's going on?

Yeah, like the werewolves have an infrastructure that I didn't anticipate.

Yeah.

Yeah, we thought it was lizard people inside the Earth this whole time, but no, it was werewolves.

It was werewolves.

Well, that sure took a lot of courage on your part.

Nobody ever pushes go when a Claude Harry hand is reaching over to grab his or her neck.

But guess what?

You push go, and now you and Todd are both going to have the ride of your life on the bottomless pit elevator but wait the elevator door slides open the elevator is stuck no you don't have a second chance do something fast one two three jump you cry choo choo it's the rl train making us do that we said we didn't want to do railroad lord also look he's RL is fucking roasting us here for choosing go yeah and let me just say this if someone's about to bite you on a fucking elevator i think you want it to go faster so they slip you don't want to stop it and be fucking trapped in the elevator with them.

Yeah.

Yeah, in between floors.

What's the door going to do?

Open and you can't get out?

Ron Steiner, you fucking crazy?

Because their stomach's going to lurch a little bit when you start the elevator, and that's going to throw them off.

I think that

the RL stands for Ray Lerode.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Let's pause for a second.

Let's appreciate it.

Ray Lero.

Ray of Lerode.

Ray of Lerode.

Okay, so even though we said go, the door gets stuck.

You have a second chance.

Do something fast.

One, two, three, jump.

You cry as you pull Todd out of the door.

Holding on to each other, you and Todd begin to fall down, down, deeper and deeper into the pit.

You pick up speed.

Your ears start to pop as your body plunges faster and faster.

Your body flips upside down.

Everything is spinning.

And then a sharp ringing sound pierces your ears.

Arguably, that could have been what we did by choosing

go instead of having the thing.

We have to get out of here, Todd.

We have a new baby brother or sister.

The ringing is both of our mothers are probably with child at at this point.

Did you see the full moon?

I bet they're synced up.

Okay, so from the go chapter at the very end, everything is spinning, and then a sharp ringing sound pierces your ears.

The ringing is so loud, so horrible.

The sound shatters the darkness.

You have to stop the noise some way, anyway.

You can't stand it any longer.

You reach your arm out into the blackness and shut off your alarm clock.

What?

You slowly open your eyes and look around.

Mr.

Laurent.

Where's Todd?

Then you realize you're at home in your bed, clutching your pillow for dear life.

Your mother pushes open your bedroom door and pokes her head in.

She's glowing.

Her hair looks messed up, but she's glowing.

Wait a second.

Listen to the wording, though.

Your mother, no longer our mom.

We've become American.

We've become American.

Or at least Canadian.

Rise and shine.

Today is the day we go to Woods World,

which, of course, is in Saskatchewan.

Oh,

we're Canadian

shit.

Really, you ask?

You need to make sure it truly was all a dream.

The red tin box, the pit, the werewolves.

What time are we meeting Mr.

and Mrs.

Morris and Todd there?

You ask.

What are you talking about?

Your mother says.

Your father and I have decided to close the relationship.

She says, Yeah.

Your father and I.

We love each other very much.

We're all we need.

What are you talking about?

Your mother says, The Morrises aren't coming with us.

It's a family holiday.

You, me, and dad, just like always.

You smile and lean back on your pillow.

This may turn out to be a fantastic summer in the end.

In the end.

Wow.

What a weird thing.

It was like it was dangled for us to grapple with the sort of social hierarchy of nerds and bullies.

Yeah.

And instead, it was just a dream and there were no repercussions.

Yeah.

We just

learned to kind of like Todd, and then at the very end, we're so psyched we don't have to fucking hang out.

But I think, do you think that, like, maybe in like 10 years, we'll be at university, sorry, college.

Yeah.

And we'll see someone that looks a lot like Todd.

It's at a costume party and he's dressed like Austin Powers, but he would know those thick-rimmed glasses anywhere.

And then, could it be, is this your chance to put the universes back together?

Or we like to study abroad in England.

Oh, yeah.

And then, like, sort of it, like, the paralleled universes start collapsing on each other.

Uh-huh.

Well, who knows what's going to happen now that we're Canadian?

But

you know what?

Actually, though, this was a night.

This was a terrifying ending because we're not going to get an invite to Zoe Deschanel's wedding.

Yeah.

And is Death Cap for Cutie going to ever form?

Yeah.

We don't know that Death Cap for Cutie is going to ever form.

We don't know that we're going to get to go to De Chanel's wedding.

Yeah.

Like, what happens if the property brother doesn't marry Zode Chanel?

Like, it's an unknown timeline.

Maybe if we went to her wedding the first time,

it would have worked out.

So, this is the property brothers making sure that

who would be able to build a fucking elevator that deep in the earth but the

property zoning down the cap.

Holy shit.

And there's two of them and they're twins, right?

So you never know which one is which.

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure.

I think so.

Fuck this all out.

And Death Cab's album is called Transatlanticism.

Oh,

because we've, we switched across the Atlantic.

Yeah.

We thought cross the pond, but it was the pond of time.

Oh my God.

This is actually so medium that the narrator here, aka us,

is like, as a like 12 or 13 year old, is like so psyched to hang out with his parents.

Like, yeah.

Is this kid a nerd?

Are we nerds?

I think like so psyched to go to the lake with mom and dad dad in the 90s.

You know what?

I think we really want to do find like the narrative here, like the metaphorical narrative.

I think it is that we all have a nerdy werewolf inside of us, and some people are embracing it, and some people are letting it out.

And I think that our self as the narrator, we are just keeping it bottled up inside, like those pewter figurines inside that red box.

Yeah, goddamn.

I feel so like, I actually want to know what did the pewter figurines represent.

Do you guys want me to just read another random ending?

Yeah,

I'm just going to read another random

That we didn't get.

That we did not get.

Because I'm really curious,

is there a timeline where Todd is a vampire?

Is there a timeline where the Peter Figurin's

right?

Are we always dreaming?

On page 101, there's another ending.

You pull your arm back over your head and let the golf ball fly at the troll in front of you.

Yeah.

Crash.

Another mirror shatters.

Ha ha ha, laughs the troll behind you.

Wrong choice, losers.

You and Lauren.

Uh-oh, Lauren Woods.

Lauren Woods.

Lauren Woods.

Lauren Woods.

The heiress to Woods World.

You and Lauren spin around to face the real troll.

Behind him, there is a mirror in which you see your own reflections.

The troll has won.

But something is strange, really strange.

You stare into the mirror again.

Lauren no longer looks like Lauren, and you no longer look like you.

We look like Todd, Lauren exclaims.

He turned us into Todds.

Nerd alert, nerd alert.

Your second worst nerdmare has just come true.

Now you're not just spending your holiday with a nerd.

You'll be spending the rest of your life as a nerd.

You open your mouth to speak and can't believe what comes out.

In Todd's voice, you say, hey, hey, what do you say?

This looks like a swell way to come to the end.

Thank God it was just

worse than death.

I think that actually really hints at how diverse the paths you can get in this book are.

Yeah.

There's a whole run where you teamed up with Lauren.

Yeah, and there are trolls.

That's why Rail Leroad is the man.

Yeah, Ray LaRoad.

Monsieur Lerode has really taken us on a winding path.

Okay, I found the stop, what we would have gotten if we chose to stop on the elevator.

Congratulations.

You have chosen to stop this story just when you are about to be turned into one of them.

But what are they?

Elevator operators in the bottomless pit elevator.

If you had not stopped the story at this point, you would have had nowhere to go but down.

There's only one thing worse than a bad ending, and that's no ending.

So consider your choice wise because it brings to you what is officially known here as the end.

Whoa!

That's the truth.

Speaking of trolls, that's crazy.

That's a fucking stinker.

The trolls have one.

The trolls have one.

Okay, hang on.

I think I'm looking for a true ending here.

All right, this one's werewolves.

This one has the Murphy Brothers.

Okay.

There we go.

The Murphy Brothers.

There we go.

Property Brothers.

It's right there because there's two, but there was secretly three.

There's a third property brother.

That's true, because I actually don't even know what their last name is.

I would have guessed it was Property Brothers.

And there's no way for us to find out.

There's absolutely no way for us to find out.

I think I know off the top of my head.

I'm pretty sure it's Scott.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's their first name or last name.

They're both first name is Scott, right?

Yeah, they're both Scott Scott.

Yeah, Scott.

Scott's property.

Okay, here's another ending: you keep your eyes closed, your body relaxes, you start to feel so light, so calm.

So you open your eyes wide.

What happened?

The bump against the cave wall must have really knocked you and Todd out.

Whatever happened after that is a mystery to you both.

You don't know how long you were lying in that pool of slime in that cave.

You gaze around.

You're out of the cave now and sitting propped up against a big tree.

The light of the full moon is shining directly on you and Todd.

Todd sits with his back to you.

You look down and shriek.

There are hairy, clawed hands where your hands should be.

Then Todd turns his face towards you and smiles a fanged smile.

You open your mouth to scream, but the only sound coming out is the sound you've heard before.

You remember Sharky's words: This is a perfect night for the werewolves of Woods World to come out.

Sharky was right.

No one is safe here.

Not now, not ever.

The werewolves now have two new members of the pack, you and Todd.

Break out the shaving cream.

Things are looking pretty hairy now.

Okay, buddy comedy where you be, where you and Todd become half-brother, half-werewolves.

I think, all things considered,

we got the best ending.

Well, I actually think the one that we just read is a pretty rad one.

I don't know.

Did you ever become a werewolf?

I would say that's not the ending, though.

That's just the beginning.

Yeah, exactly.

But that's like, let's pitch that to Seth Rogan's production company.

I feel like that's like, we've got some heat there.

I guess I liked becoming Todd as an ending.

That's pretty crazy.

I do.

I was interested by the fact that both me and Lauren became Todd.

So it's kind of just like like really weird.

Okay, there's another ending where we decide to pretend to howl like Todd.

Oh, yeah.

It just makes us keep howling forever to stop the werewolves.

So we avoided a couple endings.

A couple duds, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow, we wove around the duds.

That's good.

That's at least a comfort.

Here's an alternate ending where Todd actually exists.

Todd is real.

Todd is real.

Yeah.

Okay.

Honey, you hear your mom's voice.

Oh.

Whoa, and it's mom again.

So this is

the English.

We end up on the other side.

Yeah, okay.

The pond theory corrects.

The pond theory.

Okay.

Honey, you hear your mom's voice.

Honey, you've been sleeping for hours.

Are you feeling all right?

You open your eyes and look around for Todd.

Where is he?

Where's Todd?

You ask your brother.

Todd is asleep too.

I had to wake you finally to tell you that the Morrises and dad and I are going to play tennis.

Can you?

Yeah, dad looks

frustrated.

Everyone else looks happy.

Can you and Todd stay out of trouble while we're gone?

Oh, mom, you assure her.

Don't worry.

What kind of trouble could we possibly get into at Woods World?

You're right, your mom says.

Okay, then see you later.

She leaves, and you lie in bed thinking of all the events of the night before.

Was it all a weird dream?

That's it.

It must have been a dream.

You close your eyes for a few more minutes and hear a familiar voice say, Hey, hey, what do you say?

It is Todd's same goofy sounding voice, but when you open one eye, you see a hairy, scary werewolf standing in the doorway wearing Todd's pajamas.

Oh no, if this is not a bad dream, you sure hope it is the end.

Oh, so that one ends with us.

We're still British, but we get mauled to death by Todd.

Yeah.

Okay, so yeah, so the ideal ideal ending is that the whole thing is a dream and you don't have to hang out with a friend.

You can die.

And you're Canadian now.

You get to hang out with your mom and dad.

Yeah.

You go to a map.

Or your mom and dad.

And you let out a sigh of relief.

You get to be the coolest 13-year-old and hang out with your parents in the woods.

In Halifax.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Thank you all so much for listening.

We're going to wrap this one up.

We're going to be doing some D ⁇ D court over on the Patreon.

So check that out.

Patreon.com slash NADPOT.

That's NADD P-O-D.

Don't sing Yats.

In the meantime, we do have some stuff to plug.

We've got our Las Vegas live show coming up for Dimension 20.

We're going to be doing Starstruck.

So check that out.

Search Dimension 20 live.

And then I'm doing a stream next week.

Ask my cat, Bruce, a little fundraiser for animals.

It's called the Puppy Roll 2, Monday, October 20th.

It starts at 6 p.m.

Search Puppy Roll 2.

Oh, that's cute.

I'm excited.

Check out my sub stack, substack.com slash at Jake Hurwitz.

Sweet.

You can follow us on social media that we're remitting at use at SeatsverseMe, at Calde Scaldwell, at DX Versus Emily, and at your coaches Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NATPOT.

That's NEDD POD.

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We are, we are the youth of the nation.

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Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls.

Get rid of them.

Turn to page 42.

Keep them.

Turn to page 69.

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Charlie Brown's best friend.

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