Ep 297: Joanne McNally

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, crushing up the meringues of conversation, adding the whipped cream of humor, and adding in the strawberries of friendship.

Eat and mess.

Whoa, we've not had that one before.

That is their gamble.

My name is James Acasto.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we invite in a guest and we ask them their favorite ever start of main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Joanne McNally.

Joanne McNally, an absolute smash hit of a stand-up comedian, James.

A juggernaut, a force of nature.

A force of nature.

Joanne is absolutely hilarious.

She was also on Taskmaster, of course.

Brilliant on Taskmaster.

Joanne is back on tour.

She's doing her new show, Penophile.

I mean, great title.

Ed told me that he laughed out loud when he read that.

Really funny.

I can't say I disagree with him there.

Yes, Penophile.

Her last show was such a massive success that, I mean, I don't know how long it ran on for.

She sold so many tickets on that tour.

I'll tell you what.

Sold even more of on that tour, Prosecco.

Prosecco.

Since this is a food podcast,

that is relevant.

And I'm sure we will speak about Prosecco with George.

Or indeed, Pinot.

Or indeed Pinot.

Yeah.

And listen, we have chose a drink as the secret ingredient, but it isn't either of those things because we felt like that.

That would be unfair.

That would be pretty harsh, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

The secret ingredient this week is

Pachine.

Pachine, when we were in Dublin doing our tour, that was a suggested secret ingredient from the audience.

And we did not accept it as a secret ingredient.

And our guest, Tommy Tiernan, then went on to pick Pachine.

So, I mean, what could have happened?

What could have happened?

I mean, of of all the people that we wouldn't have

managed to kick out.

We would not have successfully

kicked Tommy out of a live gig.

It's a homemade, often homemade booze, James.

Like moonshine, Amori?

Yeah, sort of moonshine, the Irish moonshine.

Yes.

Thank you very much to

Sean, one of my local baristas.

He gave me a bottle of it after Christmas.

Thank you, Sean, who's one of James's local baristas.

It was like, I appreciate it.

Gave me a bottle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gave me a bottle.

He went back.

Went back to Arden for Christmas.

Bought back some pachine.

You're just drinking unmarked bottles of stuff that people who you know in a coffee shop give you?

Only I say qualified baristas, yes.

Not sure it matches up, mate.

What are you going to let him do next?

Dentistry?

Oh, that's good.

Could save me a pretty penny or two.

And this is the last episode of the series, James.

Oh, farewell, old friend.

Farewell, old series, but we'll be back soon, I'm sure.

What a fun series it's been.

What a fun series, man.

We've had some incredible guests from all over the world and all over entertainment.

Yes, and I finally confronted Stephen Graham.

Yes.

Gabriel, what for?

And I'm very proud of myself.

And many more reflections beside.

Yeah.

We can't wait to speak to Joanne.

She's great.

So, without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Joanne.

Joanne McNally.

Welcome, Joanne, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Joanne McNally, to the Dream Restaurant.

But it's only some time.

Thank you so much.

I've been waiting to come on for ages.

Have you?

Yeah, I've been sitting there with my menu

crying.

How long have you had your menu ready?

Years.

How long is this going?

Years.

What was the start date?

I've been waiting since then.

2019.

2018.

2018.

We started.

But with the real fans, Ed.

We started recording 2018.

The first one came out in 2019.

My menu's been going since then.

Yeah.

Ben Literally just shook his head.

It's evolved with trends and my tastes.

And that's, we knew that, Joe.

Yeah, we knew that you wouldn't want to go with your first draft.

No,

we've waited for you to get to this point, and we now know that you think the menu is perfect.

It's the final draft.

I'm thrilled.

Everyone's

listening, we're very excited to get to the drink course.

No spoilers, please.

But you often name shows after drinks, and they become a thing.

Yeah, so my first draft of this had no food at all.

Yeah.

It's just me on the bottom of a drinks cart frothing them out.

Yeah.

Very exciting.

Of course.

Pinot file is on tour.

You're on tour now with your show Pinot file.

Yeah.

It's rare that the title Pinophile as much as that.

Makes me laugh out loud when I say that.

You like Pinothile?

Absolutely love it.

It's good, isn't it?

What's it a play on?

I don't know.

I just don't understand why paedophiles can take file.

Like, I mean, it's not their first.

We should be able to take it back.

Yeah.

It was actually, do you know where it came from?

The

file is obviously just you're mad about something.

And I'm mad about Pinot.

Yes, and uh, what actually, what happened was there was a

viral clip going around, you know, the Peloton, you know, the exercise bikes that everyone bought you and locked in for pedaling away at home.

And there was a video going around of an American trainer, or whatever they're called, class instructor thing.

And she was looking at the leaderboard, and there was everyone has like a name that they use, like pedaling for wine or whatever.

Like, it's you know, kind of like spin for gin.

It's usually the ones I notice anyway.

And uh, anyway, she saw something on the computer that she didn't like, and and she was in mid-pedal and she was like, no, kid.

And she was like calling up to the leaderboard.

She's like, kick him out, kick him out, ban him, ban him.

She's like, we don't do that here.

We don't do that here.

And of course, I was like, what was the name?

The name was Pedal File, which I just thought was so funny.

And I was talking about it somewhere.

And actually, a woman DM'd me.

And she was like, if you were cycling, your name would be Pinophile.

And that's where the name came from.

So we can't even take credit for it.

But I was like, that's a great name for a show.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

A good way of getting that.

Imagine getting kicked out.

Pedal File.

Your Your partner being like, no, I'm early.

Yeah.

I thought you're doing your swing class.

I got kicked out.

No, the worst thing is you do them from home, right?

You do, yeah.

So you're kicked out of the class.

They just sat on your bike at home.

You're in your kitchen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Covered in shame and sweat.

Yeah.

Yeah, but then you realise you could just keep pedaling and just do it yourself.

She was getting embarred.

You need the motivation.

You needn't scream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I guess that's the thing.

It was just very narrow-minded over it, I thought.

Yeah,

it's pretty harsh.

Just drive away.

Pedal file is so funny as well.

It's so funny it's so funny yeah i got it it was a it gave me it gave me it really lifted my day it really lifted my day yeah so are you a big fan of solid uh food as well i am but i am i do eat solids but i have what i would say i hope i don't embarrass myself here because i am i have

quite an immature palate i would say okay that's fine yeah i've i would say it's like apocalyptic a lot of canned foods

like when the apocalypse comes, I will be.

You're like a prepper.

I'll be down the bunker living my best life.

Yeah, crap.

Will you be good when in the apocalypse?

Because if you've eaten all your cans, because you love them so much, you won't have any saved up for the apocalypse.

I'll do a collab or something.

If I sensed it's coming, I'll get a collab.

Yeah, yeah, I get a collab in.

Yeah.

Who's your dream to collab with?

In the in the canned food biz.

You'd go Heinz, wouldn't you?

Because then you have your spaghetti eddies and your spaghetti's pot.

You get all your beans, your beans with little sausage.

I also like I eat this.

Well, I don't eat sausages anymore.

I used to eat pork, but I don't.

I've gone off at night because I read about that pigs can basically play Nintendo.

They like and use joysticks and stuff.

They've the intelligence of a toddler.

Yeah.

That's actually true.

Nintendo.

Yeah.

They can use joysticks.

Yeah.

And they can recognize their own reflection in mirrors and the orgasm for like 40 minutes or something.

Yeah.

That's true.

I had a half an hour, but maybe I

with a maybe I got a shit pigment on yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

If you're doing it, right?

The pigs on TikTok and I'd be like, you're shit.

Yeah, I follow a pig on Instagram called Merlin the Pig.

Yeah.

And he has all these buttons.

Yeah.

Yeah, with different phrases on them, and he can tell his owner what he wants by pressing them.

Dance with me, mummy.

They're really.

That guy's.

I think he's just randomly hitting buttons.

No, he hits the dance with me, mummy, one a lot.

I'll watch the YouTube video about that, that pig.

Yeah.

And he pursues.

Dance with me, mummy.

Yeah.

That's what it does.

He does the cha-cha then.

He's great.

Yeah.

And he gets picked up and he dances a lot.

It's his favourite one.

If I can see that.

That would put you off pork.

I also don't like the taste of pork.

Yeah.

Now, sausages, I would.

Anyway, my point was, I used to eat the sausages out of the can.

It was like

my palate never developed past 17-year-old boy.

Sure.

Yeah, I have a student palate.

I'm very happy with this.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We've had a lot of immature palettes on here.

I think that's, you know, know we've we've got to represent the full i think so that's what i was thinking yeah it's not a snobby podcast yeah and you know that's not to say we're not going to take the piss out of you yeah of course but but we'll do it in a nice way yeah but like when i'm on the road and i see a service station there's nothing more exciting to me like i'd book in a table in a petrol station like i love the sandwiches yeah i love the little quarter bottles of wine yeah like i'm a simple girl so if you're in a service station What's your favorite place to go in a service station?

Or is it literally the petrol station is your favorite?

Well, no, I mean, ideally, it would be one of the bigger ones which have the options of the Nandels and the Prats and the WH Smiths.

And then I'll kind of shop around.

Yeah, I'll take a basket.

Oh, yeah.

Make your own kind of dream meal out of all the different things at the petrol station.

And I love a machine coffee.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's mad.

You wouldn't even go to the Starbucks in the service station.

Well, I actually think Starbucks tastes like burnt hair.

Sorry.

It does.

Am I the only one who thinks that it's gross?

No, Prat would be my favorite now.

I'm a real Pratt girl.

Yeah, yeah.

Pratt coffee in the services, services, I think, is the way to go.

Yeah.

Although I will get Starbucks if I'm feeling like, for me, it's like the, I know, it's a bit more of a junk foodie

coffee.

So sometimes sometimes you're in the mood for that.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Do you ever, would you ever eat a Starbucks sandwich?

No.

No.

Cake pops.

The cake pops from there.

That's, yeah, the bars.

Yes.

Yeah.

No, no, the little cake pops.

They're little like...

cake on a stick.

Oh, nice.

I thought you were more civilized than that.

James is so good.

No.

James is cake on a stick.

The guy loves it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

I'm cake on a stick all the way.

Yeah.

It's so good.

The cake pops, the ratio of the icing to cake, which is more icing than cake, is spot on.

Do you know what I can't control myself around is the Prat chocolate mousse desserts.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I very rarely do it.

I mean, look.

If I'm going to Pratt, and this sounds crazy.

This does not sound like a treat, but I think one of my favourite things in the world is the chocolate-covered corn cakes.

Oh, yeah, but that is a treat.

Oh, my God.

It is a treat.

Anything in Pratt's a treat.

He lives a sad life if that's the treat.

The chocolate covered corn cakes.

Yeah, no, of course, yeah.

Any of the wraps, a chicken avocado sandwich.

And it's, yeah.

But then, of course, I just, I pull apart the sandwich and dunk about a barrel of salt on it.

Yeah.

Salting the sandwich.

Yeah, which is basically a block of salt anyway.

Yeah.

It's not enough salt for me yet.

I love that.

I wonder, I think I'm probably going to get rickets or scurvy at some stage.

I have no nutrients, really.

Like in my ideal meals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's fine.

I mean, this is the dream meal.

I think we can safely say in the dream restaurant, there is no worry of rickets or scurvy.

There's no rills.

No, no, no.

No, yeah.

We will promise you you won't get it from this meal.

Great.

I'll go in for a medical straight away.

Yeah.

We always dump it still sparkling water to run.

Sparkling, please.

Yeah.

I'm a big sparkling girl.

Is it because it reminds you of Prosecco?

No, there's a sense of occasion to it, I feel.

Yeah.

And when I, before I made any money, before I had any income from comedy, I was like, you'd be running, like, you never could afford sparkling water.

It was the same.

It seemed like such a wild extravagance.

Yes.

So now I think it's a bit of a flex being like, I'll take the sparkly.

Yeah, every time.

Every time.

It's sparkly.

And when I buy a house, which I hope to do at some stage before I hit 50, I want one of those sparkly taps.

You have those, what are they?

The Quaker taps, were they called?

Yeah,

they're not Quaker taps.

No,

that's one that has porridge coming out of it.

Quite slow tap.

Quicker.

Quicker.

Yeah.

Do they they do sparkling water as well?

I don't know how they do it.

I don't want to know the summer.

They can do hot water as well, right?

You can get the boiling water taps.

Crazy hot one.

Yeah.

So, but like they, I don't know if there's some lad pumping it down there.

I don't know what's some ladder down there.

I think there'll be a lad down there, yeah.

Morning.

Oh, you take the morning to the lab.

I love, I love.

I see his ivory with a plug on.

Imagine if you're like iPhone, yeah.

If you paid thousands of pounds to have a new tap installed, and then you realise when the guy turns up, he just gets in

just a base underneath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know.

He's just in there.

He's just blowing bubbles himself with a little wand yeah like if it was the flintstones his legs coming out of the car little animal making it work they're not that expensive those taps i don't think i would have thought they were about 60 grand

they should be a million pleasure to have water coming out of your tap yeah well so you're not far off getting one yeah well hopefully you've aimed very far in the future as well being like you you hope like one day i hope to get one of these taps and you said like by the time i'm 50.

i know i struggle with i struggle with um admin so i don't know how i'm gonna with admin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of admin in

trying to buy a house.

Yeah, yeah.

I've shooted on my own.

Yeah.

You know, but you don't want to have one of those taps installed in where you're living at the moment because you want it to be put in your own place.

I don't know if this is correct now.

I could have read this somewhere.

It could be fake news.

I think you take it with you.

I think they're detachable.

So you don't.

There's no...

Yeah, yeah.

There's no installation within the actual plumbing of the

it's one tap that carbonates water as it is coming through the tap i believe so that doesn't feel right doesn't actually sure doesn't it must be a ladder

yeah just a lap up and down there you got the you got the ice in that in that drink no depending on the weather no no lemon nothing nothing to stain the instant just bubbly water brand of sparkling mortar you like or do you want it out the tap out that special tap well i like a sample of green oat

i like i like the bottle makes me feel like i'm on holidays in italy yeah i like it what's that can that makes it look like you're drinking cider?

Demon water.

Liquid death.

Liquid death.

Yeah.

Huge fan of liquid death.

Are you a fan of liquid death?

I love liquid death.

Yeah.

I was kicked out of the bath.

You can put a skull on something.

I love it.

They think it's can.

Yeah, I know.

We're coming back to it.

Sorry, Joan.

Please tell us why you were kicked out of the bar.

It was after, it was after a gig.

I just did a gig and always be, and I went to the bar across the road, but I was had a can of...

The doghouse.

Yeah.

You went to the doghouse.

Yeah.

And I had a can of sparkling death.

Was it good?

Liquid death.

Liquid death.

And it looks like a really hardcore can of cider or something.

And I walked in, and your man came out behind the bar and he was buzzing to kick me out.

Like, do you know these people?

He was like, glee.

Yeah, yeah.

He was like, straight away, out, not a chance.

Nope.

Point to the can.

And what a feel he felt.

Yeah, I bet.

What a feel.

Oh, so he thought you were bringing booze into the venue.

Yeah, and I think it's water.

And he's like, I can't apologize enough.

Is that what he said?

I'm so sorry.

Like, yeah.

I mean, it is one of the best feelings in life to be right.

Knowing you're right.

Yeah.

While the other person completely just like goes way too hard.

Yeah.

Knowing you've got this.

Just taking the whole thing, knowing that I'm going to do it.

And then taking the higher road, like when I'm like, don't worry about it, it's okay.

Because he bowed down there.

He stood back.

He was like, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Because he made a show of himself.

We were all embarrassed.

The only time I really get that, because I'm often in the wrong, is when I'm going to venues and there's like a bouncer on the door searching people's bags and stuff and you're not allowed to take food in.

I'm type one diabetic, so I always have to have glucose sweets with me.

So they'll like pull out the sweets from my bag and be like, no food mate, you're going to have to toss that.

And I'll go, I'm type one diabetic.

Yes.

Do you have a little card around them?

No, no, no.

Oh, they just have to take a look at it.

Believe me.

So if you guys want to use that, go ahead.

I didn't know.

That's amazing.

Well, if they pushed you any further, you've got your kit and stuff.

Yeah, I got like insulin and needles.

Anyone could rock up a kit.

Like, you can rock up a kit.

Joe what?

Anyone who goes to that trouble deserves to take some sweeties into the gig.

I know, yeah.

It's a great feeling.

It's like when people are just taking their little pets on the airplanes now and call them therapy dogs or whatever.

Yeah.

You're like, how do you prove that you are completely traumatized that you need a conversation on that?

The only way you could prove it is if the dog wasn't with you.

Yeah.

So you can be really calm when the dog's there, right?

Yeah.

And stick it in the hole and see how that works out.

Well, that has happened and didn't work out well.

Sorry.

Yeah.

For who?

The dog.

Yeah, but

sorry.

I bet who did it happen to?

Who did that?

Who did I?

I don't know.

Someone in the Daily Mail.

Yeah.

Oh, of course.

I don't have a person here.

Pop-doms off, bread.

Pop-doms off bed, Joanne McDowelly.

Pop-doms off, bread.

I go pop a doms.

Okay.

I have enough bread coming up, and

I love crisps and all.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Can you say some of your favourite crisps?

It depends on the mood.

Are we not telling you?

Are we not being patriotic here?

Oh, we go Tato.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'd have to.

And Hunky Doris, aren't they Irish as well?

Are they?

Yeah, I think think so.

I just haven't heard of Hunky Doris.

Have you not?

Okay, well, we'll go Tato then.

I'll rep.

I was looking forward to giving Joanne a mood that she was in and matching it with the crisps.

Okay, yeah.

Will it be more a drink as well?

Would be, I love anything ribbed, but I will take Tato are quite, they're not, they're unribbed.

I'll take them as well.

An onion ring,

a hot lip.

Do you know hot lips?

All these tempi crisps, banshee bones, anything like that.

It feels like you're making all of this up.

Yeah, yeah.

It's sort of a sketch, a comedy sketch where someone is ordering stuff no one's ever heard of.

After school, we go in with like

hound, banshee bones.

They're all like kind of corn crisps, like pickled and you know yourself.

I think space raiders.

Yeah, banshee bones were, yeah, kind of like space raiders.

Banshee bones were a form of space raiders.

Yeah, wheelies.

Wheelies.

Yeah.

Like basically,

if I was brought to like a 21st birthday party and it's bread, that would be my ideal meal.

Yeah.

Like Gougeons and...

shit crisps basically so i would have poppin' ons because it's the closest thing and then i get the condiments well look if you would rather have crisps or your favorite crisps for this bit you can it's your dream meal yeah well then i will yeah then i will yeah yeah so we'll put some bantery bones in there yeah i'd i'd okay scrap the popadons and we take the we take about a bed and wait tempy crisps and potatoes yeah sour cream and onion big faves sour cream and onion potatoes sour cream and onion tattoos i'm also i'm a big fan of pringles yeah they're great yeah i find them quite addictive they're very

famously what would you say

i I don't know if they thought about this, but once I pop, I feel I just can't stop.

You get on with the Pringles Man on the tub if he came to life?

What Pringlesman?

This is huge.

Oh my God, I've never noticed.

You've never noticed there's a man on the front of the tube?

What the fuck?

No.

Oh, hold on.

Sorry.

I can't picture him.

Don't show her.

It's a potato land now.

I want Joanne to describe what she thinks the Pringlesman looks like.

Oh, I know.

I do know.

I'm the Italian lad with with the mustache.

Yeah, I do know him.

And do you know what?

I don't know if he's specified as Italian.

Yeah.

I think you're thinking of lumping him in with Mario because of the mustache.

He's got a hipster vibe, doesn't he?

He's got to buy a fixie bike off him.

I actually.

His name's Julius Pringles.

You don't know that.

That's true.

You just made that up.

That's true.

Look it up.

His name's Julius Pringles.

They gave him a first name.

Yeah, yeah.

Julius.

It's Pringles or Pringle, but it's Julius, Stephanie Julius.

What?

I think we have talked about it on the podcast before.

Yeah.

He's not.

Does he have like a date of birth and a star spot?

He doesn't even have a body i actually own a pair of pringle sent me a pair of crocs they they did a collab with crocs

and i i they were like do you want a pair and i was like yeah i do yeah and uh they arrived and they're two different colors which i thought was a mistake but it's not apparently that's are they what the vibe red one's red and one's one's green and one's blue and then he's like stuck on them like charms like there's like a pringle coming like they you know they're very teamu what are the but they're very there's a specific name for those things you put on crocs aren't there charms croc charms?

No, they're called like widgets or something, I think.

Are they?

There's a specific name for the things you put on crocs.

Yeah.

I've never heard of them.

No.

Yeah.

I didn't even know there was things you could put on crocs.

I didn't even know that was a thing.

Huge in Japan and like flying out over here now as well.

It's charms is what I was, I thought they were called.

But anyway, okay, you knew Pringles was called gibbets.

Gibbets.

Gibbets.

They're called gibbets, Joanne.

Gibbets.

Gibbets.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, I should know that because I've been wearing gibbets around the house for about three months.

So you've got some Pringles in a bowl, you got some Tatoes in a bowl, you got some wheelies,

some hot lips, some tatoes, chili, chili crisps, anything chili, sweet chili, yeah, anything, all of it.

And a huge, am I getting ahead of myself?

No,

and a huge Pinot Grigio, ice cold, yeah, huge, huge.

The largest.

We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses.

No, no.

You can pair every course of a drink if you want.

So Pina file specifically refers to Pinot grigia yes

yeah i feel like you should do a bit at the top just explaining that just in case any pinot noir fans turn up there's a we don't know pinot noir

what about pinot grigio do you love so much the taste

like i'm not gonna sit here and say i know anything about its legs or citrusy smells i just love the taste of it but it has to be ice cold uh-huh like i don't really complain because about stuff because i i wouldn't really like i'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there yeah i don't really care i really don't but the only thing i will send back is if the one if i if the wine's not warm yeah sorry if the wine's not cold enough i will send that back i'm like practically a someliac

i'm like that's kind of room temperature and then they'll give me another one it should really be closer to room temperature than you think if you want if you want to taste it properly yeah but you listen i'm just i've just had a course of wheelies

i clearly don't give a shit do you know what i mean

are you so obviously when you did the last show, the Prosecco sold very well with the audience?

Yeah.

Are you hoping to do the same thing for the Pinot Grujo industry?

To raise awareness for Pinot Grigio.

Just to sell it as much as you did.

You'd love to have your own live.

I've been in a week with your tour manager because they replaced my tour manager for a week.

Oh.

And they were saying sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, whose fault is that?

Like, if I was that venue, I'd be like, I'm bringing in a show called the Prosecco Express.

Like, we would tell the venue, in fairness to my agents, they were ringing, because because I would, I would get annoyed then.

Because I'm backstage, and the girls are texting me, going, They're out of Prosecco, they're out of glasses.

And I'm like, It's carnage out there.

So, I was saying to my agent, Please ring ahead and make sure they know.

And then they would ring ahead, and the venue would be like, Oh, yeah, don't worry, it's all taken care of.

And the same thing would happen again.

I was like, Don't underestimate those women.

I think we broke the record in the palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show.

Yeah, now I think someone's broken it since because that was maybe two years ago.

It wasn't our show, I'll tell you that much.

No, it wasn't ours.

It was mine.

It was my show.

Thank you.

Come on and see us.

They ran out of the Duke.

It was.

We've also shared a tour manager in Australia.

He took me around maybe a couple of weeks after.

Oh, yeah.

And he said, yeah, your audience drink.

Yeah, they're drinking.

It'd be all these...

Like, he said, all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening and then come out of the theatre looking the complete or just absolutely shit face.

I know.

I love it so much that's what it's hard for me it's hard for me it's hard for me sometimes because i have to remind myself it's not my night out yeah

do you know what i mean like when i first started like i'd have a drink on stage and i was like you can't like a drink on stage is fine but it's not my it's not my night out like i'm actually there to work with it sometimes the they're they just i don't know i just i just love that kind of girls night out vibe i just want to kind of crowdsurf and get involved or when i do smaller shows i'd go out after i just go to wherever they were what's the audience yeah party with the audience.

Yeah.

Well, like, not that they weren't, it's not like they were going out en masse.

Yeah.

But, like, if women would text and be like, oh, we're actually in the pub next door, I'd be like, okay.

You go.

Yeah, go.

Was it not weird?

Were they not like, you know, talking to you about your comedy all the time?

And it was a bit of a divide.

Not fun.

No.

This was back, it was, there were smaller rooms.

Yeah.

But no, it was just like, oh, there's Jamon.

There was no real, there's no, there was no divide at all.

Yeah, and we just go and drink wine at the pub.

Yeah, it's nice.

But you can't keep that up, can you?

Because how many dates did you do of that last show?

I don't know.

It's a load, so it's not.

It was a lot.

Yeah, it was a, yeah, it was a fair.

It was two years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's shitloads.

That's shitloads.

That's yeah.

So you have at some stage, I had to kind of be like, okay, this is a job now.

Yeah.

You know, can't be on that drinking with the audience.

But I can tell you, I, Jesus, I really, I'm like, I really, I can, I can go.

I can go.

Even I was like, wow, I'm going again.

This is crazy.

And I feel great.

I love, because I love gigging so much.

I love doing shows so much that like the buzz of it, I would just go.

And I think it was only once or twice in the tour that I was like, I think I tried to change or reschedule a show because I was like, I really, I was like, you know yourself.

You're like 12 shows in our house.

I'm like,

I don't think I can.

And we didn't.

We never once changed anything.

I just kept doing them.

You know yourself, the adrenaline.

You just kind of come alive.

I was just saying, so, sorry, when you were saying like, I can go here, I thought you meant.

You were drinking every night after the shows.

I was, yes.

That is actually what I was doing.

That is what you meant.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

But then I was what you meant, yeah.

Just to enjoy the show.

I enjoy the buzz of doing a show so much.

That you're able to then.

Do you want to carry it?

I just got, yeah, I still care.

Yeah.

I have, I don't really get hangovers or anything.

I don't know.

I'm like a cockroach.

It's weird.

But yeah, they get worse as you get older.

I'm 41, James.

I mean, okay,

you know what I mean?

Bring me another argument.

I didn't know you were 41.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I can't tell you that.

I just, as a 40-year-old, old told a 41 year old hey your hangover

your hangover is going to get worse believe me it's weird it's like there yeah i don't know what it is is it is it i've built up an immunity i don't know there's very little consequences even but yeah irish drinker we definitely have a rep for drinking but like even amongst my own people i'm i'm a i'm pretty yeah go

yeah i don't know how else to describe it are you gonna do your own pinot for this tour well you imagine selling your own selling out of your own booze at every venue.

But you know what the problem there is?

Because I have someone who kind of

no business savvy really at all.

I'm just, I don't think about stuff like that.

But someone did say, why aren't you doing your own wine?

And then I was like, oh, that's a great idea.

It can taste like toilet duck.

I wouldn't give a shit.

Anyway, they were like, the venues won't take it, sure.

They want to sell their own booze.

Of course, yeah, of course.

You know what I mean?

Imagine me at a desk at the front trying to flog my own booze.

They'd be like, you cheap bastard.

So no, no merchant.

You could sell it to them at you know to the venues.

Yeah.

Really?

I'm sure.

I'm sure there's a way of doing it.

Yeah.

This is me talking as if I have any business acumen whatsoever.

They'll find a way of ripping you off.

You can sell it on your website.

Surely you can be selling it.

But like what caliber of wine?

Like...

What doesn't matter?

You're putting ice in it anyway.

Yeah, Snoop Dogg is selling wine.

You think that's great?

Sorry, I don't put ice in wine.

Okay, well, you're having it super cold.

Super cold.

Super cold.

But I won't put ice in wine.

I think it's a disgrace.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster when Nick Muhammad?

Yeah.

It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine?

It was a prize task.

I mean, I saw the whole series.

It was a prize.

Do you remember what they were?

We had to do to bring in something you can get into, so that could be like maybe a hobby.

Or obviously, because I've no imagination, brought in a sleeping bag.

But it was, it was, it was designed like Tootin Camoon.

That was kind of my thing.

So I was like, how cool would it be to get into Tootin Camoon's tomb?

Anyway, Greg wasn't a fan.

Yeah, last one point.

I think Nick's was one point, to be fair.

He's like the sweetest man ever, and he's he's just so innocent or something.

Um, but he brought in the photo, and like, bearing in mind, the production have to be great.

Like, I've brought in stuff that they were like, you know, yourself, they're like, nah, that's not really going to work.

So they obviously saw this and they were like, yeah, go for it.

And it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in it.

And it came up on the screen.

And we were all like, what?

And he's like, did you know

you can add ice to wine?

And we were just looking at him like, are you fucking on crack?

He'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous.

Someone had told him he could do it, and he never knew it.

He didn't think anyone else knew you could do it.

It was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine, was his pride.

And he said it so proudly, didn't he?

It was like he'd, he was like, he'd like invented black holes or something.

He was like, Did you know you could time travel?

It was very funny.

But no, I don't put ice in wine.

Don't agree with that.

When he was on this podcast, he said about putting a grape, frozen grape, yeah.

A frozen grape into a glass of

lemonade or or something.

He calls it summer cocktail.

Of course he does.

Your dream starter.

Okay, so my dream starter will be a club sandwich.

Lovely.

Great.

Yeah.

Ed finds that funny.

I do.

It's a sandwich.

It's a sandwich.

I love club sandwiches.

Once the bacon, of course.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, because of the club.

Yeah, I don't eat bacon.

And I also...

It feels like it's not a club sandwich anymore.

It's a chicken sandwich yeah chicken salad sandwich but i guess you've got the three layers yeah and the toasty bit in the middle yeah and re and then again let's add loads of salt mayo

loads of mayo it's basically it's mayo with a side of sandwich that's what i would say i i think it's a myth but oh it might not be but club is supposed to stand for chicken and lettuce under bacon but i think it might have been disproved so i have a clo so you have a club i have a club yeah yeah i have a huge club yeah

it's my favourite meal.

And chips.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The chips in the middle.

Chips in the middle.

There is something about when you're traveling abroad, especially for work, if you get there late to a hotel or something, there's always a club sandwich on room service menu.

You can't be that wrong.

You can't go wrong with a club sandwich or a club sandwich.

So that would be my starter.

And again, a huge

peanut.

Yeah.

So another peanut,

yeah, yeah.

So it's not a different drink.

I would tell them, well, I was in Cape Town in January and we did this wine tasting event.

And I was like, can I get a glass of wine?

They're like, the wine tasting is starting.

And I was like, yeah.

They're like, okay.

They bought me a glass of wine while they were lining up the other wines.

Cleansing your palette.

That's fine.

Cleans my palate.

Oh, by the way, no one's allowed in the restaurant to tell me what the ingredients of anything.

I can't bear it.

I don't care.

You don't want to know what's going on.

I don't care.

I don't care.

And they fucking clog up the whole thing, telling you what the, I don't care.

And it's in the fancy restaurants where they're serving you foam.

Yeah.

It's a lot of fun.

Yeah, they're pointing at it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're like, I do not care.

What do you do in that situation?

If you are in a fancy restaurant and the waiter comes over and he's like doing a long spiel about what you're doing.

You have to live.

What can you do?

You can't just smack them off.

You have to listen to him.

It's like a one-man show.

You're like, oh, my God.

Because I don't care.

I'm just like, it's just all fishy foam.

It's all foam, really, isn't it?

I think there's a way of doing it where you could be like.

That's enough now.

I know you have to do this.

I really don't care.

So you can go and take the next couple of minutes off.

But then I think they take that personally.

Yeah.

Like when I was at, we went to this really fancy restaurant in Cape Town because one of the lads I was there, his boyfriend wanted to go like, and he's a real foodie.

And me and his boyfriend aren't.

So we just were like, just whatever.

And we didn't care.

But like the staff, it was obvious that it bothered them.

Like they wanted the ceremony of ding, ding, ding.

They like, you know, they stood at the top of the table and they pointed.

And it's like, do you know when you're on an airplane and like they start

sending you instructions through the tannoy and you can't understand a fucking word.

It's just like white noise.

That's what I hear when there's someone at the top of the table telling me what's in the food.

And then it comes out and you're like, all that for something the size of a tic tac.

How are there more than two ingredients even in it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's, it's wasted on me.

So I don't want anyone interrupting telling me what's in the what about someone telling you about the wine.

So pouring you a glass of wine and then telling you about the producer and the climate and the vintage.

How do you feel about that?

What do you think?

I'd imagine you hate it, right?

I wouldn't give a shit.

I know because I sound solo, Rant, but I am.

No, but I think I get it because you just want to have eat the nice thing or whatever would be.

If I had one day left on Earth, you'd find me under the top in weather spins, just like,

yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Trying to get posted for 20 quid.

I just love it.

Do you have a particular Pinot Grijo that you love, that's your go-to to buy?

Anything around the eight-pound one.

Hey, yes.

No, I don't care.

There must have been one where you're like, this is.

I wish I cared.

I wish I cared.

That's not what.

I know there isn't one of them

that makes it.

I've never went, oh, this one.

Even.

I'm like, oh, let me taste it.

And then I'm like, no.

And not for any of that reason, not for any sort of fancy wine reason.

Just to be like, I'll get that one again because I know I like it.

I know.

I like it.

I like barefoot.

Okay, there you go.

Which I think is kind of like the alcohol of wine.

I think it's like saying,

I'll pair my steak with a blue wicket.

I think it's pretty basic.

I'm like a barefoot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know.

It's terrible.

It's one of those things, it's like star signs.

I wish I was more engaged.

You wish you were more engaged in star signs.

Yeah, I'd love to believe in it.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think it's.

It's not the same.

Yeah, yes.

I mean, star signs are.

So star signs are up for debate.

But

what people tell you is in the food is fact.

I don't believe in this.

I don't believe in this.

The person who cooks.

I mean, so you say.

Yeah, I just wish that, because I think I know that like men certainly, I see a man at a stat, like

the pride of a man at a barbecue or like women who kind of slave over meals.

And I just don't get it.

It's like looking at, it's like trying to, you know, remember in that film with

Robin Williams.

Okay, here we go.

What happens in it?

We'll try and guess it.

Your man's great at maths.

Yeah.

Remember he's standing in front of the equation.

I remember people can't solve it.

That's like me with fear.

I'm like, I don't get it.

I know I need it and I do eat it.

And I like what I eat, but I like.

I was going to say I understand.

I sympathize with that viewpoint.

Yeah.

But it is the opposite.

And then when some people go over the top, I'm like, I think it's a bit wanky.

I think they're being a bit pretentious with it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I i am yeah

when they come out and they tell you what's in it and stuff people who particularly

i've i've i've dated men before if they make it their identity now i've my my main opinion is clear what well they start a podcast about it do you have a food podcast

not this one

joanne where do you think you are Jesus, that was for the listener, I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke.

And then

when the penny dropped and Joanne realized what she had said, I was like, oh, that wasn't a joke.

That's incredible.

That was a genuine question to Ed.

Do you have a food podcast?

While we are discussing food on the podcast.

Oh my God.

I think it was just the way you presented it.

Yeah.

That I thought it was something you were doing on your own.

No, no, no.

Because James is here.

I just, I'm Benito.

I lost track.

Of course, this is a food podcast.

It's more like a restaurant podcast, though.

Sure.

Sure.

I mean, what are restaurants if not food related?

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, fair enough.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

So you've dated men who are obsessed with making their identity.

And that kind of annoys me.

I'm like, get a hobby.

Says you're one, slamming the peanuts.

I'm like, get a hobby.

It's not like I'm doing anything interesting, but still, I find they can be a little bit much at times.

I think, yeah, I think definitely if you're in a relationship or dating someone who is hyper into something you're not and they don't care that you're not into it, but they want to tell you about it all the time and push that upon you so that you also and use it as a way of showing off their intellect or whatever.

It's very

there's something snobby about us.

Yes.

Yeah, they beat their snobby about it.

And obviously, with my palace,

it's just never going to work.

Yeah.

You know, fair enough.

Yeah.

They're making French onion soup and all.

I'm like, I'm not here for that.

Well, you know what's in it.

Does it annoy you in the title of

what's in it is in the title of the title?

As soon as they've said, I'll make you some french onions.

Give me that whole spirit.

You know, I just want a cup of soup.

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Your dream main course.

Okay, so keeping with the immature palate.

Yeah.

Now, I love warm,

reassuring food.

And I have to say, this is just my dream meal.

Like, I do eat like other things.

This is just if I could, I would love, I love two-minute noodles.

Yeah, I love,

you're laughing at me now because

you're probably an eight-minute noodle man, are you?

Something fancy.

You're rambling man.

I love a two-minute noodle.

There's now, it's two minutes, you're in and out.

And I love potato waffles.

And what I would imagine in my dream restaurant, do you know those sushi boats that you get in Asian restaurants?

Yes.

If I had a boat made out of potato waffles and then inside where it was filled with the two-minute noodles, wouldn't that be delicious?

So good.

Yeah.

And it's floating in a bowl of butter.

Wouldn't that be gorgeous?

Yeah.

And the anchor is a guojon.

Has been anchor.

Yeah.

It'll be out the door.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wouldn't stay.

Exactly.

To keep it still.

So I can eat it.

So do my dream dinner.

Two-minute noodles, as in, is that a specific brand that you like?

Or is it just like a pot noodle?

No, no, no, no, no, not the pot noodles.

No.

The packets of them.

I'm not, the pot noodles wouldn't do it for me now, which I'm glad to say I have some standards.

Like the square,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like that come with the flavoring seasoning.

Oh, they are great.

Aren't they?

They're so good.

They're so good.

And I actually checked at one stage.

There's no nutritional value in them at all.

But like, whatever, we're out that's nice nice weekend yeah yeah and i'd have them but the the waffles would have to be obviously a little curled just to keep them in yeah shape or whatever and then maybe a pringle is the sale that's good that'd be cute

yeah how big is the waffle boat and how many packs of two minute noodles do you reckon you need to fill the waffle boat and then warning there's going to be some maths involved after this I didn't think actually, I never thought about

whether I'm on my own or not.

Yeah.

Yeah, for your treatment noodles.

Who do you want there?

I can't imagine you wanting it on your own because you're a social person.

You love

your audience.

You drink with your audience.

You know my own a lot.

You and my own a lot.

Oh, don't you?

Yeah.

You can come.

You can come.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Okay.

And my mum.

Just the four of us.

Yeah.

Wow.

Will we get on with your mum?

Ah, yeah.

Yeah.

She sounds you like her.

What's your name?

Sorry, Ben.

I don't know if your plans are.

He'll bring it down.

You'll bring the vibe down here.

Yeah, you don't say much, so I'm not sure what you bring to the table.

Not much.

So you're not involved in the waffle button.

You've been sent back to shore.

So the waffle button, well, I want, it would have to be something quite remarkable, really, wouldn't it?

And pushed out

a little bit on a tread.

No, someone would have to push it out.

Like, as in, it would be kind of quite the, what would I say?

What am I trying to think of?

When you look at something, it's a spectacle.

Yes.

Yeah.

I'd want the whole, do you know the way in restaurants and there's, they bring out the hot meat platter and there's like, it's all fizzing and there's fire coming off with the sparklers.

That's what I'd want, really.

Is it

sailing to the to the table?

Is there like a river river of butter that leads to the table?

Well, there, now you're talking, feels like it should.

Oh my god, yeah, I didn't think of that.

The river butter like leads out of the kitchen, yeah, yeah, I didn't think of that, like a sushi conveyor belt, but it's a river of butter.

Yes, but then you'd have to get the Goujon anchor and anchor it yourself.

Oh, yeah, that's nice, a bit of exercise, yeah.

Get my steps up,

chow down 60 kilos of potato waffles.

Yeah, no, I could do that.

Is there a particular

really good idea?

That's a spectacle, isn't it?

Yeah.

Is there a particular flavor of the noodles that you have?

Chicken.

The chicken ones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chicken ones.

Or curry.

I like them both.

Yeah.

I mean, you've got so many packets in there.

You could have a mix.

Chicken curry.

And just

also, that whole meal will cost about six pounds.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm bringing value here as well.

I guess the construction of the butter river.

My mum would do that.

Yeah.

Someone's got to build a waffle boat.

I mean, that's what we've cut.

My mum would do that.

My mom would do that.

Yeah.

How many, how many packets, though?

Because do you want us to

boil them all at the same time so it's two minutes across the board?

Yeah.

Or are we doing them one after the other in the same like

thing and then it's going to take ages?

No, no, we'd have to do them at the same time.

Otherwise, you're mixing al dente tumina noodles with much softer tumin or they'd go cold.

Yeah.

So we're going to have to have a lot of pots on the boil.

Yeah.

It'll be quite that.

It'll be like a challenge Annika kind of thing.

Yeah.

And there'd be like timers and stuff.

But we're not involved in that.

That's all behind the scenes.

Yeah.

Is Annika doing it?

And your mum?

Annika, do you remember?

She used to drop out of like planes and helicopters and stuff.

She was running the whole time.

She's running all the time in those incredibly tight pants.

I think it would become like an old-school comedy sketch where it's like, who's doing the noodles?

Rice.

No, I said the noodles.

Rice is doing

the noodles.

Rice is on the noodles.

Well, get them off the noodles.

Then noodles from the offspring pops up.

Did someone go for for me?

I'm doing their eyes.

He's the guitarist.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that'd be a good sketch, Joanne.

Yeah.

Do you want the theme tune from Titanic?

Play them when the boat comes out?

No, we do something like fun, like Vanga Boys or something.

Vanga Bus is coming on.

That'd be great.

Yeah, isn't that confusing, though, if you're playing the Venga bus is coming when the boat comes out?

Yeah.

It's only us four.

Yeah, and we know what's going to happen, so that's fine.

They've ordered us.

Yeah.

We know what's coming.

On the menu, down the butter river.

On the menu, it would have a picture of it.

It feels like there would be a picture of it when you order it.

100%, yeah.

And it would say, accompanied by the Venga bus is coming.

So you know what's coming up.

Or maybe you can choose the song you want.

That's good.

Yeah, that's now we're adding a bit of...

There's a party vibe happening here now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you would select the Venga bus is coming.

I think so, yeah.

Something to kind of lift us after our club sandwiches because we'd be carved out of it.

So we need to.

I'm going to pack up a potato waffle boat with noodles in it i don't think the carbs are going away anytime soon

yeah and i'd be honest i i'd like i'd like because it's a dream meal and i don't smoke anymore but for the for the evening that's in it i would like one marba light

indoors yeah during the main course well i don't know i'm i'm trying to decide where that would go well maybe i don't want to miss the music because the ship got a cannon and it just fires a cigarette into your mouth

no don't be ridiculous sorry sorry sorry Don't be ridiculous.

Fantastical.

No, I'd like a little marble light, but I would like it in indoors, like old school, like 80s kind of vibes.

It's great.

Are we pairing a drink with the main course?

We are.

What would you like?

I'd like a giant glass of Pinot Grido.

I'm three down now, am I?

Every time you

order a new drink, do you spend the time being like, I wonder what I'm going to have now?

And everyone's sat there going, we're not going to fucking have drinks.

What wines do you have?

I don't Is that in New Zealand?

No one cares.

No, do you know what actually?

No, to spice it up, because two

large wines are enough for any woman, really.

Because then you start getting a little, you know, opinionated.

We wouldn't want that to happen.

And I just want everyone to enjoy themselves.

I just want everyone to enjoy themselves.

So I'd move on.

Do you know what drink I love?

And I don't know.

I've never paired it with the potato waffle boat before.

I love Legroni.

Yeah.

This will calm those opinions down.

I love a negroni.

Just to take catch off.

Yeah, a little bit of glass.

Lovely.

Yeah, yeah.

A bit of class.

Yeah.

Negroni with a little umbrella in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lovely.

And a Ferrero Roche floating down the bottom.

What?

A Ferrero Roche.

A Ferrero Roche in the drink.

In the drink.

I want to continue to lower the tone.

I don't know.

Or Frozen Haribo.

So you put.

But you were worried though when you said Negroni.

You're like, people are going to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, what have I done?

I'm just saying this for show.

That's not what I want.

Frozen haribo.

Do you never freeze your haribo?

No.

Oh, I mean, that's good.

It sounds genius.

I love that.

Yeah.

I freeze most things.

Like those naked bars.

Oh, yeah.

Freeze them as well.

Great.

Yeah.

With the haribo, you're just eating them frozen.

Wow.

Yeah.

They last for six times the amount.

Like they're chewy.

They're delicious.

I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast before.

Probably.

We got sent a bunch of naked bars once when we were starting this podcast.

So I had loads in the house.

And the first time that my girlfriend came back to my flat in the morning, I had to leave really early.

I said, help yourself to everything.

Got loads of naked bars in there that need eating.

If you want one of them, just for a good quick breakfast or whatever.

Got back.

She had gone.

She'd left the naked bar wrapper on my pillow with a note because she didn't like the naked bar.

As a like, as a joke.

Oh.

But when she left, she shut the front door.

A breeze must have occurred that meant that the naked bar wrapper blew off the pillow, but the note remained.

So I came back

after the first night I'd spent with my girlfriend.

Intimately.

This was the first intimate night to a note on my pillow that said, worst thing I've ever put in my mouth.

Stop!

That's not true!

James!

That is what happened.

No!

You are the only comic I know who that would have actually happened to, and you've still not done it on a fucking tour.

How are you not doing that?

How are you not going booking a gig in for tonight?

That's so funny.

It doesn't sound real.

It doesn't sound real.

It sounds too written.

People don't care about that.

No, they don't.

Well, still, it's important to me that people know that that is what happened.

Yeah.

Worst good ever put in my mouth.

How have you not told me that before?

I thought I had.

No, I should have told you that.

No.

Good for her.

Good for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice to have opinions and give feedback.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure.

But I was like, well, I can't text her now.

Like, I don't know.

I'd like to kind of have a date with her.

She's awesome.

But

this seems a bit brutal.

That's not going to happen again.

And I can't be shitting like naked bars.

I horse those things.

Yeah, I like them.

I love them.

I like them.

Yeah, I love them as well.

She wants to do it.

No, she wants them.

Have you had the they do like chocolate covered ones now?

Have you had those before?

No.

Yeah.

They do like bigger sort of chocolate covered ones.

I'm eating the, there's the pro they do a protein one because, as we know, protein is huge right now.

huge and they say that like once you hit your 40s if you're not eating i don't know 60 kgs of protein a day you're gonna die of muscle atrophy or something it's all about protein lifes yeah and lifting weights so i tried to get my protein in wherever i can yeah yeah

Your dream side dish.

Cal Slaw.

By the way, I just want to say there's no protein in this meal.

There's a bit of chicken in the top sandwich.

I'd like to say I've eaten 19

chicken-flavoured noodles.

Chicken-flavoured noodles, yeah.

Come on, eat one more.

What do you want?

Open your mind.

A lot of protein.

I'll get an old-fashioned.

Is there an egg white in that?

Doesn't put an egg white in old-fashioned.

They do?

There you go.

No, they don't.

It's a whiskey sour.

You could get a whiskey sour.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

You completely tricked me.

Yeah.

Yeah, you agreed.

Yeah.

I did.

I'll go.

Of course.

I assume you said there's an egg white in that, a picture of whiskey sour.

I was like, yep.

And then I was like, no, that's a Devin Brown trick you've done on me.

Yeah, coleslaw.

Like, I

love the stuff.

How much coleslaw would you say you're eating day to day?

Well, my mum, when she'd do the big shop at the weekend, she'd get, like when we were younger, she'd get one of those, you know, those like buckets of coleslaw.

Yeah.

Say on a Friday or Saturday, she'd do the big shop.

And by the Tuesday, Wednesday, it was gone.

Amazing.

Yeah.

How many of you are in the house?

Well, I don't have it in the house now.

I'd have it as a side for a sandwich, but like I only get the little tubs.

Yeah, yeah.

Or I'd like

you to find me in debt dead face down to see a coleslaw.

I can't be trusted with the stuff.

I love it.

Is this coming on the side or is it going to be on the boat somehow as well?

Well, well, that's a presentation issue, I guess.

But do you want it on the boat?

Well, you could maybe attach it.

There could be some dinghies, some little dinghies of coleslaw.

Dinghies that will have coleslaw in them.

Yeah, like a flat.

They're roped to the main vessel.

Yeah, yeah, I like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

Does that mean the ship is sinking?

They're having to escape.

No, no, no, no, no.

Why would the ship be be sinking?

Well, I don't think the lifeboat's ever deployed if it's not.

It's not a lifeboat, necessarily.

I thought you said lifeboats.

I said dinghy.

Okay, so these are people just knocking about.

Yeah, just like for presentations.

There's the main waffle ship.

Yes.

That's the main event.

And then the sides float down after.

Oh, do you know what put them in?

Do you know those circular water rubber rings?

Yeah, put them in a little.

But then they've got to go through it.

There's no bottom to those.

The coal store's just going to go to pieces.

They're going to straight through into the butter.

In the butter,

do you know what we do to keep with the aqua theme?

I thought it was Venga Boys.

Famously, Ed, Aqua Sand, the Venga Buses coming

as a tribute.

Do you know what would be fun?

Just fun now.

To keep them with the aqua theme, the pool noodles.

I've always

hollow them out and put the peels out in there and they have to blow it out into your blade.

Right.

Yeah.

Revolting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Awful.

I can't believe only cracked at this stage.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

We'll just blow the coles out via the pool noodle onto the plate.

I don't notice it.

I'm out smoking.

I'm smoking somewhere in the corner.

Yeah.

So you're stepping away from the table to smoke.

I wouldn't smoke at the table.

I'm not a complete monster.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Appreciate it.

I'd just be watching it all roll, watching it all happen.

Yeah.

From the table now.

Blows coleslaw

out of a straw onto her plate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll be over in a bit, mum.

Just finishing my segue.

Blow me out a coleslaw from that pool noodle.

Okay, Joanne.

Splat.

Splat.

Everywhere.

Vegabus blaring out.

With the coal center pool noodles.

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

What's wrong with that sentence?

Oh, nothing.

I've just never heard it before.

I think it'll be great.

I'm having a ball.

Yeah.

It's a fun night.

It's a fun night.

I'm loving it.

I'm loving it.

Undeniably fun.

We're all having a nice evening.

50 bonito's watching outside in the rain.

Face pressed against the glass.

Can't come in.

Chopsticks to eat the noodles.

No, I'm not that talented.

No, it'd have to be.

You must have known the answer to that before you said it.

I don't think I did.

You're thinking hands.

I'm thinking hands.

Elskill.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like quite buddhist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Indian.

Down with an empty title.

Very good.

Well, I think of what I think of you.

I think it's a very buddhist.

I actually can, I can use, I can can use chopsticks if like in an emergency like if there's nothing else but i don't find it the easiest now we'd all have a ladle each yeah that's normal isn't it uh to ladle noodles into your yeah that ladle's ladle's normal yeah yeah like ladles normal yeah ladle's normal and it kind of depends what you're using it for flat

are we using the ladles to eat like are we going ladle to mouth Are we ladling the noodles onto the plate?

Yeah.

Okay, so I'd say that ladling noodles into your mouth isn't isn't normal.

Yeah.

So it doesn't mean you can't do it for your dream meal.

Exactly.

I'd like the sense of camaraderie.

Yeah.

Camaraderie that we're all just getting stuck in.

And you can ladle butter out on the plate.

Yeah, and no one's worried about germs or anything like that.

We're just at one.

Yeah.

I think if you're eating noodles out of a waffle boat, you're probably not concerned about

a butter river that ran out of the kitchen and onto the table.

Yeah, I mean, and we're just really connected.

Blowing coleslaw out of a pool noodle doesn't feel COVID safe.

No.

None of this would be taking place in 2021 or

anything.

No, but it's fine now.

It's like we're just all, we're just really like together.

No one cares about that kind of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And is there a drink paired with the side dish or?

With the coleslaw.

Yeah.

And like is it using it as a mixer?

No, I don't not saying you have to put the coleslaw in a drink.

I just mean that for every course so far, you've had a drink as well.

Oh, okay.

I don't know if you also want to drink during this course.

You've obviously got an agronomy

the main.

Yeah, it's got Ferreira Roches in it.

So I know that.

It's got Haribo, frozen hair.

Frozen Haribo in there.

So I don't know if you also want some

when your side dish comes out.

And is the sparkly water gone or is that still

there?

That's always going to be there.

Do you know what I'll have at this point in the evening?

Yeah.

Because I'm probably a bit lethargic with the food.

So I'd have maybe a little round of shots.

Yeah.

And we're back in the game now.

What shots?

You're talking?

I'd let people choose, and then I'd order tequilas for everyone

tequila and then you'd have the sense of occasion you're doing the salt and the that's fun

james is playing footsie with me i just played footsie with head tequila yeah that's the tequila kicking in we're all getting a little gamey now everyone's getting a little squidgy yeah i do shots i was about to ask you if there's a particular tequila that you like but i suspect i know the answer to this i don't know

there's one that comes in a skull which is really cool yeah have you seen that one no i know the volcano comes in a skull yeah but

Crystal Head.

Crystal Head.

That's the one.

But there might be a tequila as well.

Do you know

whose company that is?

Crystal Head?

No.

It's not your one.

It's not Candle Janner.

Doesn't Candle Janner have a tequila company?

She's a tequila brand.

A lot of people have tequila companies.

Do they?

Yeah.

Tequila's huge in America.

They love it over there.

Yeah.

Does Clooney have a tequila company?

Yeah, the Rock's got one.

The Rock's got one.

The Breaking Bad Boys have got a Mescal company.

Kylie Minogue has a wine.

Graham Norton has a wine.

Gary Barlow has a wine.

He's sent me a box.

I'm not him, obviously, personally, but I got a box of Gary Barlow's wines the other day.

They were lovely.

Were they?

Yeah.

I've heard they're actually pretty good.

And people love that Kylie Rose as well.

Yeah.

You need to get on this.

This is when the Pinot, come on.

I know.

Yeah.

Pinot and Prosecco.

Yeah, I know.

I drank so much Prosecco during Prosecco Express that I've, I've lost the taste for it now.

I find it triggering.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like

work.

Yeah, it's like it's gone.

Even the smell of it now and all.

I'm like, no, no, no.

I've moved on.

I've evolved.

It's like when you hear music from a playlist that you're doing a show of now, and you're just like, oh, God, your stomach just starts tying up.

I find, oh, apparently smells and music are like the biggest triggers for memory.

So if I smell like Tommy Girl or anything from the noughties or 90s,

it's like, you're straight back drinking in Fields with your friends.

Like it's so strong.

the memories that it brings back.

Yeah.

I love how anything you smell takes you back to a time when you were drinking.

I just heard that.

But like we were all drinking.

that's when we were.

Yeah.

Do you know what I did once?

Oh my God.

And I know I sound like a completely pissed out.

Like, I don't drink all the time, but

I heard that little growl.

One time, my mum, so we were, when we were younger, you'd make dolly mixtures out of like whatever was in your parents' drinks cabinet.

You know what a dolly mixture is, don't you?

Well, I thought I did, and then you carried on talking.

Yeah, and then I was like, what do you call a dolly mixture?

Is the sweet sweets?

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

In Ireland, they call it a dolly mixture.

So you'd open the drinks cabinet and like whatever was there, you'd just like mix like whatever you could get away with.

Do you know what I mean?

That's a very cute name for something that is

atrocious.

Yeah, I know.

Wow.

Dolly mixture, but it's a bit of a break.

A dolly mixture mixed everything in the cabinet.

Anything.

Like a shot of each.

Yeah, because you couldn't.

Put whatever you could get away with.

So it didn't look like the level had gone down.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So you'd have like a bit of absinthe, a bit of creme, like you'd creme to look, whatever.

The crap that they weren't drinking anyway.

Some brandy, whatever.

And then you'd go out and get absolutely out of your face with your friends yeah it's called childhood anyway childhood

one time james it's called childhood

look it up it's called memories um oh no it's not yeah it's called blackout teenage blackouts so the my mum was out and i i was in a rush and there was no i had to like you know you take the dinner mixture when the opportunity presents itself you take the daddy mixture you might even be going out for three days but you take it and you store it and i'd no plastic bottle i'd no drinks bottle to store it.

I had no vehicle for it.

And my mom had just come back from Lourdes and she brought back this huge,

oh yeah, I know, isn't it so bad?

This huge Holy Mary virgin statue full of holy water that she'd bought like in Lourdes and like got blessed with it and all and she'd flown it back.

And I fucking, didn't I toss out the holy water and fill the whole thing up with dolly mixture?

Yeah.

And dragged it out of the weekend.

And they didn't the thing.

It's quite appropriate we're sat in a circle for this story.

The crown was the lid, the little little blue crown.

She loved that you were like, I've got to get the levels perfect on all the booths, so my mum doesn't realize any of it's gone, but you're happy to completely pour away all the holy water fates.

Yeah, yeah, well, she'll open that down the line, it'll be empty.

Mimical,

yeah, exactly.

Yeah, she's fucking brandishing.

She thinks about every booze I've ever heard.

She is just drinking vodka now, but then the Mary thing, she turned up in one of the girls' back gardens because we were drinking down like in the local estate.

Yeah, and she faced down in the mud.

She was like, Oh my God, you're not going to believe it.

Yeah, so she actually came back like a little boomerang.

But my mum didn't notice for ages that she was gone.

Did you get it back?

She's a lot of people.

So, you didn't take it back, you didn't drink it and then take it in there.

So, is that what you're having for this course?

Dolly mixture.

I'm lost.

No, where did that come from?

Oh, tequila shots.

Tequila shots, yeah.

So, we're having tequila shots.

We're having tequila shots.

You guys are getting a little quiet.

I can feel you're fading a bit.

Yeah, so I'm like, All right, come on, get the shot, get the shots in.

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your dream drink this is now your dream drink number one okay um so so far we've had two two large glasses of pinot yeah

the green face pick two two large

okay two large pinots

you've had a negronigroni with frozen

ferrero roche and tequila we've had a tequila shot

so what's what's your dream drink now

um

how how, how are you opinion opinion-wise?

Like,

because you're opinionated with the peen, the with the grease, yeah, and then you've calmed yourself down with the it might be time, it might be, I was gonna say it might be time to have a little Robinson's, but it's not fuck us, we're out now.

Um, I was gonna try and have something like a green tea just to save face, yeah, but I'm not going to.

But then that would go down on record as your dream drink, yeah, no, no, no, no, that's yeah, yeah, no one would believe that.

Is it back on the Grig?

I mean, my the Grig is my dream, it is my dream drink, yeah.

But if I've had two huge ones at this stage, do you know what?

Can I give two answers?

Yes, yes.

Technically, Pinot Grigio is my favorite drink.

I also like a gin and sling, but

if there was a gun to my head, it would be Pinot.

And if there was no gun to my head, it would still be Pinot.

But I think at this stage in the evening, I could do it something to kind of up my game a little bit.

And I do enjoy.

an espresso martini.

This is the point of the evening for an espresso martini.

Yeah, I think it is.

Yeah.

You know, we've let you pair each course with a drink.

I think the same should go for the drinks course.

Yeah.

So you've got your espresso martini, but we'll also pair that with a Pinot Griggs.

Oh, yeah, great.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't sure I was allowed to do that, but that sounds gorgeous.

Yeah, I need if I'm there, but at this point, I need an espresso martini because this has been carb overload.

Oh, big time.

I'm shit-faced.

I might smoke and call on the dealer.

I'm like, these guys need to be.

I've covered this all in mayonnaise.

I've accidentally sucked in on my pull noodle.

I'm choking to death on coleslaw.

Yeah.

We need smelling salts.

That's what we need to shake shit up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, espresso martini.

I think so, yeah.

Ed had espresso martinis at his wedding.

I did.

Handed them out.

They're lovely.

But you can only, there's only so many you can have, I find.

Like, do you not find that you that you can kind of

did you have seven or eight?

No, I think I had three.

I think three is probably my top, top limit.

But that was, and they came out at like 10 o'clock at the wedding, which is a perfect time for them to come out.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

dessert well well well

so i thought maybe again adding to just like i like presentation sense of occasion that i would have and we're we're we've gone loud and colorful yeah so i would love because there's no budget here i can do i can there's no budget there's no budget put that out your mind yeah what put that out your mind there's no budget there's no budget here which is great there's no well There's no budget, but you've already insisted your mum make the potato boat.

Yeah, because I was worried.

i didn't want to go over budget there's no there's no budget a lot of labor from your mum has gone into it yeah didn't necessarily need to yeah and a lot of styrofoam yeah

the cat's loyal needles i think i would i was thinking about like a dessert trolley and then i was like no no no no no why settle for a trolley

and i would love the dessert i would love to choose from a selection of desserts and i'd love tom hardy

well how much is he huh there's no budget how much

i'm sure he does corporates I'm sure he does corporates.

I don't think Tom Hardy does corporates.

I think he does corporates.

I don't think he's the type who does corporates.

Okay, one of the lads from Magic Mike.

But hang on,

why don't you just have Tom Hardy?

You can have whoever you want.

It doesn't matter if they do corporates or not.

Yeah, no, I'll have Tom Hardy.

Tom Hardy.

I want Tom Hardy cycling out.

You know those tuk-tuks in London with all the fur on them and stuff?

Yeah, Tina Turner.

I want one of them coming out.

And then Tom is driving it.

And maybe there's there's like a sidecar full of desserts.

Yeah.

So is he because you went in the magic mic direction?

Is he topless?

He's topless.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was going to say that.

But yeah, he's jeans on.

Like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's not in like pants.

No, he's in jeans.

He's in jeans, but like he's topless.

Yeah.

So he'll, and he will be, he will have no top on, but that's with his full consent.

Yes.

That's the way he said that movie loves it.

Yeah, so he will have no top on.

Yeah.

You said it like it was a hugely professional thing that you were talking about.

Like a very.

The whole thing was professional.

He will be topless.

And

maybe for fun.

This isn't fun yet?

Tom Hardy, topless.

Try to took to the round?

Yeah.

With a sidecar of desserts.

For some reason, it's a tok took, even though there's no one sitting in the back.

We need to make this more fun.

How are we going to jazz this up?

Very poe-faced.

Sorry, Jeremy.

Maybe something, maybe something waterproof, and then he swims back up the Butter River

when he's leaving.

Yeah.

So he drops off the desserts and then he takes us through the options.

Yeah.

Oh, so you don't mind it when Tom Hardy does it?

Oh, yeah.

And like they're only macaroons and all.

He's not going to, do you know what I mean?

He's not going to bang on about it for fucking two days.

It's a quick description.

So yeah, take us through what's in the site.

So there'd be macaroons.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Think very much like hen party desserts.

Okay.

I'd let me some French fancies, some gelato,

with some choice, like choices of different types of gelato i like i like choice yeah um oh i love a profiterelle yeah and some chocolate biscuit cake chocolate biscuit cake i don't think i've had chocolate biscuit cake obviously sounds brilliant it's really good what i mean is it a cake or is it a biscuit it's a biscuit i believe for tax reasons wasn't there that huge debate wasn't a jaffa cake a cake or a biscuit and what was it in the end a cake yeah no this is very much this is hardcore biscuit right yeah i used to make them in school and then sell them in the locker room is it like the crushed up biscuits with chocolate poured in?

You just put it in the fridge, right?

And you can add marshmallows if you want.

I love that stuff.

Oh, they're so good.

Yeah.

Also, you get biscuits, you crush them up.

Yeah.

You glue them back together with melted chocolate.

Throw in a couple of marshmallows.

And then you send them at school after you've had them in the fridge.

Let them freeze, yeah.

Oh, the freezer.

Yeah.

You can put other chocolate bars in them as well and stuff.

You can do like bits of Mars bar and porridge.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah, really good.

So then that's, so then you have a choice of selection.

And again, there's like a bit of chat and it's a bit of a, there's camaraderie

in choosing and we can discuss it and i think it'd be really good fun how long is tom hardy hanging around before he swims back up the butter river depends on his fees really i mean there's no again there's no there's no

emphasize this enough

no one is paying for this depending

a fantasy he's a genie james is a genie

james is a genie in there genie i could make it any of it happen for you yeah i don't want him to stay longer than he feels

like he wants to but i'm not going to ask him to leave it's hard though to magic on him that that he wants to, but he can leave when he likes because essentially, if we didn't make it that he wants to, he's not showing up to this.

There's no way Tom Hardy's taken this gig of his own free will.

So we have to, I have to use, I have to use myself.

What are you on about?

You haven't shown him the menu yet.

He doesn't know anything about it.

He's not going to eat it.

He's here as a worker.

He's an employee.

You're so classless.

You said the guests were us to win your bum.

It was us to win your mum.

They're the only people that you said were going to be be there eating.

If I had to have my top off, I don't want to eat that many cars.

No.

He's not touching that.

He's not touching it.

There's a stage about to pop up and end to you.

We're about to get on it.

So I think how

drops are.

Yeah, that's the problem.

We've realised that Joanne now has ultimate control and we are there.

I just make a strip and I'd throw out kinderboyanoes.

That's actually great, crack.

Happy to.

Yeah, why not?

I think that'd actually be good for my self-esteem.

Yeah.

Little kinder eggs.

Yeah.

I hope I'm getting chocolate for throwed at me.

Yeah,

so Tom's there, he's taking us through the desserts.

We're picking a little bit.

Is he doing a lap?

Are you getting in the tuk-tuk and he does a little lap around the room?

No, the back

hadn't thought about that.

Actually, it's a great idea, yeah, it's a really good idea.

Because otherwise, why is there a sidecar of desserts?

They should just be in the main carriage of the tuk-tuk, but like if the main carriage is just completely empty, but no, because when you when the tuk-tuk, when the tuk-tuks drive past you

in their day-to-day, yeah, before they turn into dessert cards at night you don't see what's in the back it's kind of hidden

whereas I would like the more kind of the presentation of maybe he drives out and there's a the big kind of the front of the I know sorry take it all back okay Tom Hardy penny farthing bike so he's very tall as he arrives out and he's pushing on the front a kind of a stage yes of desserts Okay, so I'm guessing he's like, when I picture him on a penny farthing bike, I'm imagining him as Bronson in the film Bronson.

Or in Peaky Blinders.

Or in Peaky Blinders.

I know that reference.

Yeah, yeah.

So sort of looking old, oldie, weldy, Victorian, sort of.

He's one of those little old man baseball caps.

He's got no top on.

And he's toppers.

But that's his choice.

I was like, Tom, do what you want.

No, no, no.

This is your...

It is all coming from you.

No, I think that that's what Tom wants.

Okay.

He doesn't know yet that that's what he wants.

Oh.

Yeah, he doesn't know yet.

Is he getting off the penny farthing to show you the desserts or is he just staying up there and shouting down what?

No, no, no.

He's coming down.

He's hanging out.

Like, yeah, yeah.

There's no point having Tom there and paying those fees if you're not gonna have him engaged.

There's no fees in some way,

literally, we're not paying him.

Like, no one needs to pay.

And then he swims down the butter river once he's all done.

I just think it's if he if he wants to make an exit, I think no harm.

It seems, well, he can't take that, he can't cycle the thing, he has to leave the penny-farthing deserve by fair.

Yeah, yeah, um, so that we can keep going.

If we so wish, we will, we will, we will wish, we will wish.

And then I just think it would be a nice kind of finale to the evening if Tom Hardy is doing some sort of little breaststroke back up the Butter River and we're waving.

We wave at him.

I believe so.

Yeah, wave him along along.

I do.

I believe so.

And then the Venga bus music kind of slowly starts building again.

So he swims out to the Venga boys.

It starts building slowly.

So he starts swimming, and as he's swimming,

yeah.

Or maybe it's something more epic.

Maybe it's something from a Miserab.

It gets louder and louder.

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, I like that vibe.

Yeah.

And then there's confetti.

Yeah.

You know, one of the Venga boys boys has had loads of problems with dolphins i got told that when i was on never mind the buzzcocks what do you mean what that like one of them like has repeatedly been attacked by dolphins in his life what to the point where it's a it's an issue how is that what if surely one dolphin attack is enough to step away from yeah the city

i mean you would think so but they're very positive

there was a the whales were kind of let me see let me see i i why are you recycling stuff you did on never mind the buzzcocks i didn't do it i got told it greg davis Davis told it to me.

You know, he has a see-through toaster.

I assume a researcher told Greg.

That's where I heard about the see-through toaster.

Greg Davis is a see-through toaster.

There you go.

There you go.

That's a flex.

That's all for me.

Yeah, that's a big flex.

Bengal Boy Star assaulted by a dolphin while filming water scene for music video.

So one assault.

Well, Robin Paws.

She had a bizarre behind-the-scene moments.

He was assaulted by a horny dolphin.

That's what it says here in the news.

The dolphin.

Yes, that's my story.

Yes, I had an encounter with a dolphin.

That says.

That would be Tom Hardy writing about me.

There are some inappropriate things that have happened.

Robin, while shooting a music video on a tropical island in the Caribbean, was sexually assaulted by a dolphin, very horny dolphins.

This is what it says.

I'm just reading it verbatim.

I've heard this about dolphins before that they are very horny and very persistent with tourists.

How would you know?

How can you tell the difference between like a dolphin coming onto you and a dolphin kind of starting on you?

Physically, like the dick, yeah, I guess the massive dick.

Like, is that a thing?

Do they get corrections?

They get bonus, yeah.

Do they?

Yeah, yeah.

And they start, it affects their swimming like a rudder.

Shut up.

That cannot be true.

They start going the wrong direction.

They can't help it.

They can't backwards and all.

It's amazing.

I'm going to read your menu to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like sparkling water.

Yes.

You want loads of crisps before the meal, potatoes, banshee bones, wheelies, Pringles, hotlips, hunky-dories, and a huge Pinot Grigio with all those crisps.

Ice cold.

Yeah.

Ice cold.

Club sandwich with no bacon,

a clue sandwich with another Pinot Grigio ice cold for your starter.

Main course, you want a waffle, potato waffle boat full of two-minute noodles floating in

a river of butter with a Gujon anchor and a Pringle sail.

And you would like to pair that with a Negroni with some frozen hammer bone and Ferrera Roche in it.

Delish.

Side dish, coleslaw, which you will be blowing onto your plate using pull noodles.

And you'll get ever in a round of tequila shots.

Drink, you would like an espresso martini, and you're going to pair that with another Pinot Grigio, ice cold.

Dessert is Tom Hardy, topless on a penny farving, with a sidecar of desserts, including macaroons, French fancies, gelato, you like choice, you want those different options there, proffita rolls, and chocolate biscuit cake.

And then he swims away up the river.

Sorry, Naba, but is that not a banging night out?

I mean, it'd be a good night out.

Yeah, come on, Naba.

A good night out.

Yeah.

Definitely a memorable night out.

Yeah.

I'd enjoy that.

Um, I mean, you couldn't with your diabetes.

I could, I could give it a go, could you?

I could give it a go.

I mean, doing saying it would be a lot of uh admin, yeah.

People with diabetes can eat whatever they like.

Thanks, you know, my mother.

Well, you don't know, but don't you know?

So, for my mother's there, my mother was the head of the diabetic unit in uh hospital in Dublin, really.

Yeah, she's a diabetic nurse.

Well, there you go, yeah, she's always testing.

If I thought I was turning exactly, yeah, yeah, she did a CPR in it.

Did you see the footage reasoning of of the chute of the rash giving the other rat CPR?

Did you see this?

It was going around the internet.

Swear to God, in a lab.

It wasn't John.

I swear to God.

It wasn't Jonathan.

He was resuscitating.

It wasn't resuscitating.

He pulled your man's tongue out of his mouth.

Look, I'll show you.

Yeah, yeah.

You're mad.

A rat giving another rat CPR.

Googled her.

He pulled the tongue out of its mouth.

He pulled the tongue out of his mouth.

It's come up from a

resuscitative rash.

Benito.

Well, I'm pretty sure he's Googling rat resuscitates with that.

See, he has Googled it and it has come up with a scene from Dr.

Doolittle.

Are you sure you haven't seen a scene from Dr.

Doolittle?

I'm telling you.

You think it is

a real thing?

Resuscitates rats.

Have you seen that video of the rat who can control the chef?

That's crazy.

I'm going to get this.

I'm going to get this.

And he pulls his tongue out of his mouth and all.

Yeah, pulls it out.

To unblock his airway.

I'm telling you.

Yeah.

Oh, you're going to be sitting there.

I'm not going to be sorry.

I'll be very happy to see it.

i read it on science weekly science weekly you can't just make up a news but where is it then where's this video hold on a second okay bonita's found it i think joanne's taken a while to find this video because she's got two phones for some reason so empathy okay he's got he's got it there yeah look there you go he's trying to fucking kill him yeah well for a start

yeah that's a mouse but It doesn't look like he is resuscitating it.

That is just that bit that they're trying to.

Oh, no, maybe they are rats because they've just gone with mouse-to-mouse resuscitation, which you can't ignore that.

But I mean, the animal isn't important.

The point is that they are.

I'm not sure that's trying to resuscitate it.

I think we're putting it on.

I think he's eating its test.

The scientist who made the meme

is highly respected.

Highly respected is Field.

He says.

He's resuscitating them.

And I choose to believe in science, James.

Yeah, that's true, actually.

Why won't you believe the research, James?

Do you know what I mean?

Do the work.

I think only if he did save its life, which obviously doesn't happen in the video, can you say it was trying to resuscitate it?

Otherwise, I think it's eating its tongue.

Well, there was something going on.

Yeah.

Yes.

So that's a better lead-in.

Have you seen that video with T-Rex where something's going on?

Can we all agree something's going on here?

Yes.

Yes.

He pulls his tongue out to unblock his airways.

It's crazy.

But is it to unblock its airways?

Or is it, I'm going to get this tongue.

I can't wait to eat it.

Pull that out the mouth and then it just gets stuck in it, gnawing the tongue off.

If you can't trust the Daily Mail, who can you trust?

so true you know so true and on that note thank you so much joanne for coming to the dream restaurant thank you joanne

what an episode james

i feel pissed talking about booze that much i feel absolutely hammered man i'm going to be hung over tomorrow thanks to that that chat

uh joanne was absolutely great thank you so much to her for coming on uh and of course she did not say pachine the only alcohol that wasn't mentioned in the podcast i was ready i thought here we go oh benito just received an email for the tom hardy film havoc there we go netflix have uh let him know that it's on i mean that's free free advertising there for netflix his film havoc is about when he got hired to ride on a penny farthing with the dessert trolley into joanne's restaurant yeah i mean i would watch that film yeah so would i um do go and see joanne on tour she is on tour now the show is called penophile and we know that she is that yes and it's gonna be a hilarious show get yourself along to it.

It's going to sell out pretty quickly, I'd say.

I believe so.

Thanks for a lovely series, of course.

That was the last one in the series, James.

Yes, thank you for if you've listened to all the episodes.

Thank you.

If you haven't, I know that you're going to go back and listen to the episode.

You got to, you got to, you got to catch them all, man.

Uh, we've had some crazy guests on this series, of course.

Uh, Goldblum, De Niro.

Yeah.

Who would have thought we'd be like going, oh, do you remember when we had Jeff Goldblum and Robert De Niro?

When only, you know, a series or so ago, we had like Hugh Davis.

Well, you're going to have have to remind me who that is.

Not familiar with that name.

Oh.

I don't really describe him.

Yes.

He's grumpy sort of a fellow.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

It's not humor as such.

Okay.

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Hi, Huge.

Hello, Huge.

Are you going to put us in your little Instagram story now?

Oh, I can't wait.

Yeah.

Where you're sat on a train looking sad and this is playing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pretending you're upset, but you're getting loads of views out of this, aren't you?

Oh, I hope you love the views, Huge.

I hope you delight in them.

And this is cyberbullying Biach.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes, so you can see every single nuance on our little faces.