Ep 297: Joanne McNally

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Speaker 1 Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, crushing up the meringues of conversation, adding the whipped cream of humor, and adding in the strawberries of friendship. Eaton Mess.

Speaker 1 Whoa, we've not had that one before. That is a gamble.
My name is James A. Castor.

Speaker 1 Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever started main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

Speaker 1 And this week, our guest is Joanne McNally.

Speaker 1 Joanne McNally, an absolute smash hit of a stand-up comedian, James. A jugging, a force of nature.
A force of nature. Joanne is absolutely hilarious.
She was also on Taskmaster, of course.

Speaker 1 Brilliant on Taskmaster. Joanne is back on tour.
She's doing her new show, Penophile. I mean, great title.
Ed told me that he laughed out loud when he read that.

Speaker 1 I can't say I disagree with him there. Yes, Penophile.
Her last show was such a massive success that, I mean, I don't know how long it ran on for. She sold so many tickets on that tour.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what, sold even more of on that tour. Prosecco.
Prosecco. Since this is a food podcast,

Speaker 1 that is relevant. And I'm sure we will speak about Prosecco with George.
Or indeed Pinot. Or indeed Pinot.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And listen, we have chose a drink as the secret ingredient, but it isn't either of those things because we felt like that. That would be unfair.
That would be pretty harsh, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 The secret ingredient this week is

Speaker 1 Pachin.

Speaker 1 Pachine, when we were in Dublin doing our tour, that was a suggested secret ingredient from the audience. And we did not accept it as the secret ingredient.

Speaker 1 And our guest, Tommy Tiernan, then went on to pick. Yeah.
Pachine. So, I mean, what could have happened? What could have happened? I mean, of all the people that we wouldn't have

Speaker 1 managed to kick out. We would not have successfully.
Tommy's up there, isn't he? We kicked Tommy out of a live gig. It's a homemade, often homemade booze, James.
Like moonshine, Amori?

Speaker 1 Yeah, sort of moonshine, the Irish moonshine. Yes.
Thank you very much to

Speaker 1 Sean, one of my local baristas. He gave me a bottle of it after Christmas.
Thank you, Sean, who's one of James's local baristas.

Speaker 1 It was like, I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 Gave me a bottle. Yeah.
Yeah. Gave me a bottle.
He went back. Went back to Arden for Christmas.

Speaker 1 Bought back some pachine. You're just drinking unmarked bottles of stuff that people who you know in a coffee shop give you? Only if they're qualified baristas, yes.
Not sure it matches up, mate.

Speaker 1 What are you going to let him do next? Dentistry?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good. That could save me a pretty penny or two.

Speaker 1 And this is the last episode of the series, James. Oh, farewell, old friend.
Farewell, old series, but we'll be back soon, I'm sure. What a fun series it's been.
What a fun series, man.

Speaker 1 We've had some incredible guests from all over the world and all over entertainment. Yes, and I finally confronted Stephen Graham.
Yes. Gave him what for, and I'm very proud of myself.

Speaker 1 And many more reflections beside. Yeah.
We can't wait to speak to Joanne, she's great. So, without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Joanne McNally.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Joanne, to the Dream Restaurant.

Speaker 8 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Joanne McNally, to the Dream Restaurant. But it's only some time.

Speaker 8 Thank you so much. I've been waiting to come on for ages.
Have you? Yeah, I've been sitting there with my menu and I'm crying.

Speaker 1 How long have you had your menu ready?

Speaker 1 Years. How long has this gone? Years.
What was the start date? I've been waiting since then. 2019.
2018. 2018.
We started. But with the real fans, Ed.
We started recording 2018.

Speaker 1 The first one came out in 2019.

Speaker 8 My menu's been gone since then.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Ben literally shook his head.

Speaker 8 It's evolved with trends and my tastes.

Speaker 1 And that's, we knew that, Joanne. We knew that you wouldn't want to go with your first draft.
No,

Speaker 1 we've waited for you to get to this point, and we now know that you think the menu is perfect. It's the final draft.
Yeah, I'm thrilled. Everyone's

Speaker 1 everyone listening. We're very excited to get to the drink course.
No spoilers, please.

Speaker 1 But you often name shows after drinks and they become a thing. Yeah.

Speaker 8 So my first draft of this had no food at all.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 8 It's just me on the bottom of a drinks cart frothing them out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Very excited.
Of course. Pinophile is on tour.
You're on tour now with your show Pinophile. Yeah.
It's rare that the title Pinophile as much as that. Makes me laugh out loud when I say that.

Speaker 8 You like Pinophile?

Speaker 1 Absolutely love it. It's good, isn't it? What's the play on?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 8 I just don't understand why paedophiles can take file. Like, I mean, it's not their first.

Speaker 1 We should be able to take it back. Yeah.

Speaker 8 It was actually, do you know where it came from? The

Speaker 8 file is obviously just you're mad about something. And I'm mad about Pinot.
Yes. And

Speaker 8 what happened was there was a viral clip going around. You know the Peloton, you know the exercise bikes that everyone bought you and locked in.
Yeah. Pedaling away at home.

Speaker 8 And there was a video going around of an American trainer or whatever they're called, class instructor thing.

Speaker 8 And she was looking at the leaderboard and there was everyone has like a name that they use like pedaling for wine or whatever. Like it's, you know, kind of like spin for gin.

Speaker 8 It's usually they're the ones I notice anyway. And anyway, she saw something on the computer that she didn't like and she was mid-pedal and she was like, no, kid.

Speaker 8 And she was like calling up to the leaderboard. She's like, kick him out, kick him out, ban him, ban him.
And she's like, we don't do that here. We don't do that here.

Speaker 8 And of course, I was like, what was the name?

Speaker 1 The name was Pedal File.

Speaker 1 I just thought it was so funny.

Speaker 8 And I was talking about it somewhere. And actually, a woman DM'd me.
And she was like, if you were cycling, your name would be Pinophile. And that's where the name came from.

Speaker 8 So I can't even take credit for it. But I was like, that's a great name for a show.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Good way of getting that. Imagine getting kicked out.

Speaker 1 Pedal file. Your partner being like, no, I'm early.
Yeah. I thought you were doing your swing class.

Speaker 1 I got kicked out. No, the worst thing is you do them from home, right? You do, yeah.
So you sit to the class. Yeah, they just sat on your bike at home.
You're in your kitchen. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 Covered in shame and sweat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, but then you realise you could just keep pedaling and just do it yourself.

Speaker 8 She was getting barred. You need the motivation.
You needn't scream anyway.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess that's the thing.

Speaker 8 It was just very narrow-minded over it. I thought.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's pretty. It's pretty harsh.
Just driving away. Pedal file is so funny, it's so funny.
It's so funny. Yeah.
I got it.

Speaker 8 It was a, it gave me, it gave me, it really lifted my day.

Speaker 1 It really lifted my day. Yeah.
So are you a big fan of solid food as well?

Speaker 8 I am, but I am, I do eat solids, but I have,

Speaker 8 I would say, I hope I don't embarrass myself here because I am, I have

Speaker 8 quite an immature palate, I would say. Okay.
That's fine. Yeah.
I would say it's like apocalyptic. A lot of canned foods.

Speaker 8 Like when the apocalypse comes i will be you're like a prepper i'll be down the bunker living my best life yeah

Speaker 1 will you be good when in the apocalypse because if you've eaten all your cans because you love them so much you won't have any saved up for the apocalypse i'll do a collab or something

Speaker 1 if i sense it's coming i'll get a collab yeah yeah i get a collab in yeah who's your dream to collab with in the in the canned food biz you'd go hines wouldn't you Because then you have your spaghetti adtis and your spaghetti's pot.

Speaker 8 You get all your beans, your

Speaker 8 spaghetti, all that stuff. Yeah, yeah.
I also look like I eat. Well, I don't eat sausages anymore.
I used to eat pork, but I don't.

Speaker 8 I've gone off at now because I've read about that pigs can basically play Nintendo. They like and use joysticks and stuff.
They've the intelligence of a toddler.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's actually true.

Speaker 1 Nintendo.

Speaker 8 Yeah, they can use joysticks. Yeah.
And they can recognize their own reflection in mirrors and the orgasm for like 40 minutes or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true. I had a half an hour, but maybe I

Speaker 1 with a maybe I got a shit pigment on yourself. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 If you're doing it, right?

Speaker 8 The pigs on TikTok and I'd be like, you were shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I follow a pig on Instagram called Merlin the Pig. Yeah.
And he has all these buttons. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, with different phrases on them. And he can tell his owner what he wants by pressing them.
Dance with me, mummy. They're really.
That guy's.

Speaker 1 I think he's just randomly hitting buttons. No, he hits the dance with me, mummy, one a lot.
I'll watch the YouTube video about that pig. Yeah.

Speaker 8 And he picked it up. Dance with me, mummy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's what it does.
He does the cha-cha and he's great. Yeah.
And he gets picked up and he dances a lot. It's his favourite one.
If I can see it.

Speaker 1 That would put you off pork.

Speaker 8 I also don't like the taste of pork. Yeah.
Now, sausages, I woke up. Anyway, my point was, I used to eat the sausages out of the can.
It was like

Speaker 8 my palate never developed past 17-year-old boy.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I have a student palate.

Speaker 1 But I'm very happy with this. Yeah, that's fine.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We've had a lot of immature palettes on here. I think that's, you know, we've got to represent the full.
I think so. That's what I was thinking.
It's not a snobby podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, you know, that's not to say we're not going to take the piss out of you.

Speaker 8 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 But we'll do it in a nice way. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Like when I'm on the road and I see a service station, there's nothing more exciting to me. Like I'd book in a table in a petrol station.
Like I love the sandwiches.

Speaker 8 I love the little quarter bottles of wine. Yeah.
Like I'm a simple girl.

Speaker 1 So if you're in a service station, what's your favorite place to go in a service station? Or is it literally the petrol station is your favorite?

Speaker 8 Well, no, I mean, ideally, it would be one of the bigger ones, which have the options of the Nanda's and the Prats and W.H. Smiths.
And then I'll kind of shop around.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll take a basket. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Make your own kind of dream meal out of all the different things at the petrol station.

Speaker 8 And I love a machine coffee.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 8 It's mad.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't even go to the Starbucks in the service station.

Speaker 8 Well, I actually think Starbucks tastes like burnt hair. Sorry.
It does. Am I the only one who thinks that? You've got gross.
No, Prat would be my favourite now. I'm a real Pratt girl.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Pratt coffee in the services, I think, is the way to go.

Speaker 1 although i will get starbucks if i'm feeling like for me it's like the i know it's a bit more of a junk foodie yeah it is coffee so sometimes sometimes you're in the mood for that yeah you know yeah do you ever would you ever eat a starbucks sandwich no no cake pops the cake pops from there that's yeah the bars yes

Speaker 1 no no the little cake pops the little like cake on a stick oh nice

Speaker 8 I would have thought you were more civilized than that.

Speaker 1 No. James is cake on a stick.
The guy loves it. Yeah.
Yeah. Great.
I'm cake cake on a stick all the way. Yeah.
It's so good.

Speaker 1 The cake pops, the ratio of the icing to cake, which is more icing than cake, is spot on.

Speaker 8 Do you know what I can't control myself around? Is the Prat chocolate mousse desserts?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I very rarely do. I mean, look, if I'm going to Prat, and this sounds crazy.
This does not sound like a treat, but I think one of my favorite things in the world is the chocolate-covered corn cakes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, well, that's that is a treat. Oh, my God.

Speaker 8 It is a treat. Anything in Prat's a treat.

Speaker 1 He lives a sad life if that's the treat.

Speaker 1 The chocolate covered corn cakes.

Speaker 8 Yeah, no, of course. Yeah.
Any of the wraps, a chicken avocado sandwich. And it's, yeah.
But then, of course, I just, I pull apart the sandwich and dunk about a barrel of salt on it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Your salt survives.
You're salting the sandwich.

Speaker 8 Yeah, which is basically a block of salt anyway. Yeah.
It's not enough salt for me yet.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 8 I wonder, I think I'm probably going to get rickets or scurvy at some stage. I have no nutrients, really.
Like in my ideal meals.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that's fine. I mean, this is the dream meal.
I think we can safely say in the dream restaurant, there is no worry of rickets or scurvy.

Speaker 8 There's no rails.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. No, yeah.
We will promise you you won't get it from this meal. Great.

Speaker 8 I'll go in for a medical straight away. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We always dump it till there's sparkling water to us.

Speaker 8 Sparkling, please. Yeah.
I'm a big sparkling girl.

Speaker 1 Is it because it reminds you of Prosecco?

Speaker 8 No,

Speaker 8 there's a sense of occasion to it, I feel. Yeah.
And when I, before I made any money, before I had any income from comedy, I was like, you'd be run, like, you never could afford sparkling water.

Speaker 8 It was the same, it seemed like such a wild extravagance. Yes.
So now I think it's a bit of a flex being like, I'll take the sparkly. Yeah, every time.
Every time. It's sparkly.

Speaker 8 And when I buy a house, which I hope to do at some stage before I hit 50, I want one of those sparkly taps. You know, those, what are they? The Quaker taps, what they call?

Speaker 1 Yeah, not quite, they're not Quaker taps. No, that's one that has porridge coming out of it.

Speaker 1 Quicker. Quicker.
Quicker. Yeah.
Do they do sparkling water as well?

Speaker 8 I don't know how they do it. I don't want to know the summer.

Speaker 1 They do hot water as well, right? You can get the ball in the water taps. Crazy hot one.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 So, but like they, I don't know if there's some lad pumping it down there. I don't know what's some ladder.

Speaker 1 There'll be a lad down there. I think there'll be a lad down there.
Yeah. Morning.

Speaker 1 Take the morning to the lad. I love, I love

Speaker 1 the plug. Imagine if you bug eyeball, yeah.
If you paid thousands of pounds to have a new tap installed, and then you realise when the guy turns up, he just gets in. Yeah.

Speaker 1 In just a place underneath. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know. He's just in the middle.
He's just blowing bubbles himself with a little wand. Yeah, like if it was the flintstones.

Speaker 1 His legs coming out of the car. Little animal making it work.
They're not that expensive, those taps, I don't think.

Speaker 8 I would have thought they were about 60 grand.

Speaker 1 They should be a million. It's been a pleasure to have water coming out of your tap.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you're not far off getting one. Yeah.
Well, hopefully. You've aim very far in the future as well.

Speaker 1 Like, one day I hope to get one of these taps. And you said, like, by the time I'm 50.

Speaker 8 I know.

Speaker 8 I struggle with admin. So I don't know how I'm going to.

Speaker 1 With admin.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of admin in

Speaker 8 trying to buy a house. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I've shown on my own. Yeah.
You know?

Speaker 1 You don't want to have one of those taps installed in where you're living at the moment because you want it to be put in your own place.

Speaker 8 I don't know if this is correct now. I could have read this somewhere.
It could be fake news. I think you take it with you.
I think they're detachable.

Speaker 1 So you don't. There's no...

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. There's no installation within the actual plumbing of the

Speaker 1 it's one tap that carbonates water as it's coming through the tap i believe so that doesn't feel right doesn't actually sure doesn't it must be a lad

Speaker 1 it's just a ladder

Speaker 1 yeah just a lad bumping down there you got the you got the ice in that in that drink no depending on the weather no no lemon nothing nothing to stain the just just bubbly water brand of sparkling water you like or do you want it out the tap out that special tap well i like a sample of green oat

Speaker 8 I like I like the bottle. It makes me feel like I'm on holidays in Italy.

Speaker 8 I like it. What's that can that makes it look like you're drinking cider? Demon water.
Liquid death. Liquid death.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Huge fan of liquid death.

Speaker 8 Are you a fan of liquid death?

Speaker 1 I love liquid death. Yeah.
I was kicked out of the bath. You can put a skull on something.
I love it. Oh, but they think it's can.
Yeah, I know. We're coming back to it.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Joan. Please tell us why you were kicked out of the bar.

Speaker 1 It was after a gig.

Speaker 8 I just went gig and always be, and I went to the bar across the road, but I had a can of.

Speaker 1 The doghouse. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You went to the doghouse. Yeah.

Speaker 8 And I had a can of sparkling death.

Speaker 1 What's it called? Liquid death. Liquid death.

Speaker 8 And it looks like a really hardcore can of cider or something. And I walked in, and your man, your man came out behind the bottom.
He was buzzing to kick me out. Like, do you know these people?

Speaker 8 He was like, glee.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 He was like, straight away, out, not a chance. Nope.
Points to the can. What a feel he felt.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I bet. What a feel.
Oh, so he thought you were bringing booze into the venue. Yeah, and I was like, it's water.

Speaker 8 And he's like, I can't apologize enough.

Speaker 1 Is that what he was saying?

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 8 Like, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it is one of the best feelings in life. To be right.

Speaker 1 knowing you're right. Yeah, while the other person completely just like goes way too hard.
Yeah, yeah, knowing you've got this just taking the whole thing knowing that I'm gonna be there.

Speaker 8 And then taking the higher road like when I'm like, don't worry about it, it's okay. Because he bowed down there.
He stood back. He was like, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because he made a show of himself.

Speaker 8 We were all embarrassed.

Speaker 1 The only time I really get that, because I'm often in the wrong, is when I'm going to venues and there's like a bouncer on the door searching people's bags and stuff and you're not allowed to take food in.

Speaker 1 I'm type one diabetic, so I always have to have glucose sweets with me. So they'll like pull out the sweets from my bag and be like, no food, mate.
You're going to have to toss that.

Speaker 1 And I'll go, I'm type one diabetic.

Speaker 8 Yes. Do you have a little card around them?

Speaker 1 No, no. Oh, they just have to take a look at it.
Believe me. So if you guys want to use that, go ahead.
I didn't know. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 Well, if they pushed you any further, you've got your kit and stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I got like insulin and needles.

Speaker 8 And you could rock up a kit. Like, you can rock up a kitchen.

Speaker 1 Joe what? Anyone who goes to that trouble deserves to take some sweeties into the gig.

Speaker 1 I know, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a great feeling.

Speaker 8 It's like when people are just taking their little pets on the airplanes now and calling them therapy dogs, or whatever.

Speaker 8 Yeah, you're like, How do you prove that you are completely traumatized that you need a conversational?

Speaker 1 The only way you can prove it is if the dog wasn't with you, yeah. So you can be really calm when the dog's there, right? Yeah, and stick it in the hole and see how that works out.

Speaker 8 Well, that has happened and didn't work out well.

Speaker 1 Sorry, yeah, for who? The dog. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 sorry.

Speaker 1 Who did it happen to?

Speaker 1 Who did that?

Speaker 8 Who did that? I don't know. Someone in the Daily Mail.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, of course.
I don't know the person here.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Pop-doms off, bread! Pop-doms off, bed, Joanne McNally! Pop-doms off, bread!

Speaker 8 I go popadoms. Okay.

Speaker 8 I have enough bread coming up, and

Speaker 8 I love crisps and all.

Speaker 8 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can you say some of your favourite crisps?

Speaker 8 It depends on the mood.

Speaker 1 Are we not a listener? Are we not being patriotic here? Oh, we go Tato. Yeah.
Yeah, we'd have to. And Hunky Doris, aren't they Irish as well? Are they? Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 1 I just haven't heard of Hunky Have you not? Okay, well, we'll go Tato then.

Speaker 8 I'll rep.

Speaker 1 I was looking forward to giving Joanne a mood that she was in and matching it with the crisp. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 8 Will it be more a drink as well? Would be, I love anything ribbed, but I will take Tato are quite, they're not, they're unribbed. I'll take them as well.
An onion ring,

Speaker 8 a hot lip. Do you know hot lips? All these tempi crisps, banshee bones, anything like that.

Speaker 1 It feels like you're making all of this up. Yeah, yeah.
It's sort of a sketch, a comedy sketch, where somebody's ordering stuff no one's ever heard of.

Speaker 8 After school, we go in with like

Speaker 8 pound, banshee bones. They're all like kind of corn crisps, like pickled and you know yourself.
I think space raiders.

Speaker 8 Yeah, they were banshee bones were, yeah, kind of like space raiders.

Speaker 1 Banshee bones were a form of space raiders.

Speaker 8 Yeah, wheelies.

Speaker 1 Wheelies. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Like basically,

Speaker 8 if I was brought to like a 21st birthday party and it's bread, that would be my ideal meal. Yeah.
Like Goujons and shit crisps, basically. So I would have poppin' ons because it's the closest thing.

Speaker 8 And then I get the condiments.

Speaker 1 Well, look, if you would rather have crisps, all your favorite crisps for this bit, you can. It's your dream meal.
Yeah, well, then I will.

Speaker 8 Yeah, then I will. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So we'll put some banter bones in there.
Yeah,

Speaker 8 I okay, scrap the popadons and we take the we take a bowl of bed and wait tappy crisps and potatoes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Sour cream and onion, big faves.

Speaker 1 Sour cream and onion potatoes.

Speaker 8 Sour cream and onion potatoes. I'm also a big fan of Pringles.

Speaker 1 Yeah. They're great.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I find them quite addictive. They're very

Speaker 1 famously. What would you say?

Speaker 1 I don't know if they thought about this, but once I pop, I feel I just can't stop.

Speaker 1 Do you think you'd get on with the Pringles man

Speaker 1 on the tub if he came to life?

Speaker 1 What Pringlesman?

Speaker 1 This is huge.

Speaker 8 Oh my God, I've never noticed.

Speaker 1 You've never noticed there's a man on the front of the tube. What the fuck? No.
Oh, hold on. Sorry.

Speaker 8 I can't picture him.

Speaker 1 Don't show her.

Speaker 8 I'm a potato lad now.

Speaker 1 I want Joanne to describe what she thinks the Pringlesman looks like.

Speaker 8 Oh, I know.

Speaker 8 I do know. I'm the Italian lad with the moustache.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do know and you know what I don't know if he's specified as Italian yeah I think you're thinking of lumping him in with Mario because of the mustache he's got a hipster vibe doesn't he's yeah he's got to buy a fixie bike off him I actually his name's Julius Pringles you don't know that that's true you just made that up that's true look it up his name's Julius Pringles they gave him a first name yeah yeah Julius it's Pringles or Pringle but it's Julius Stephanie Julius what I think we have talked about it on the podcast before yeah he's not does he have like a date of birth and a star spot

Speaker 8 he doesn't even have a body I actually own a pair of Pringle sent me a pair of Crocs. They did a collab with Crocs.

Speaker 8 And they were like, do you want a pair? And I was like, yeah, I do. Yeah.
And they arrived and they're two different colours, which I thought was a mistake, but it's not. Apparently, that's

Speaker 8 the vibe.

Speaker 1 Red.

Speaker 1 One's red.

Speaker 8 One's green and one's blue. And then he's like stuck on them like charms.
Like there's like a Pringle coming.

Speaker 8 They're very teamu.

Speaker 1 What are the

Speaker 1 specific name for those things you put on Crocs, aren't there?

Speaker 8 Charms? Croc charms?

Speaker 1 No, they're called like widgets or something, I think. Are they? There's a specific name for the things you put on crocs.
Yeah. I've never heard of them.

Speaker 8 No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I didn't even know there was things you could put on crocs. I didn't even know that was a thing.

Speaker 8 Huge in Japan and like flying out over here now as well.

Speaker 8 It's charms is what I was, I thought they were called. But anyway, okay, you knew Pringles was called gibbets.

Speaker 1 Gibbets. Gibbets.
They're called gibbets, Joanne.

Speaker 8 Gibbets. Gibbets.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 8 Well, I should know that because I've been wearing gibbets around the house for about three months.

Speaker 1 So you've got some Pringles in a bowl, you got some Tatoes in a bowl, you've got some wheelies,

Speaker 8 some hot lips, some tatoes, chili, chili crisps, anything chili, sweet chili, yeah, anything, all of it. And a huge, am I getting ahead of myself? No, what are we?

Speaker 1 And a huge Pinot Grigio, ice cold.

Speaker 8 Yeah, huge.

Speaker 1 Huge. The largest.

Speaker 1 We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses. No.
No. You can pair every course of a drink if you want.
So Pina file specifically refers to Pinot Grigio. Yes.
Grigio. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I feel like you should do a bit at the top just explaining that, just in case any Pinot Noir fans turn up.

Speaker 8 There's a bit of no Pinot Noir.

Speaker 1 What about Pinot Grigio do you love so much?

Speaker 8 The taste.

Speaker 8 Like, I'm not going to sit here and say I know anything about its legs or citrusy smell. I just love the taste of it.
But it has to be ice cold.

Speaker 8 Like, I don't really complain because about stuff because I wouldn't really, like, I'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there. Yeah.
I don't really care. I really don't.

Speaker 8 But the only thing I will send back is if the one, if I, if the wine's not warm. Yeah.
Sorry, if the wine's not cold enough, I will send that back. I'm like, practically a someliac.

Speaker 8 I'm like, that's kind of room temperature. And then they'll give me another one.

Speaker 1 It should really be closer to room temperature than you think.

Speaker 1 If you want to taste it properly.

Speaker 8 Yeah, but you listen, I've just had a course of wheelies.

Speaker 9 I clearly don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Are you, so obviously when you did the last show? The Prosecco sold very well with the audience. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you hoping to do the same thing for the Pinot Grouge industry?

Speaker 8 To raise awareness for Pinot Grouge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just to sell it as much as you did.

Speaker 8 I mean, I'd love to have your own live.

Speaker 1 I've been in a week with your tour manager because they replaced my tour manager for a week. Oh.
And they were saying sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, whose fault is that? Like, if I was that venue, I'd be like, I'm bringing in a show called the Prosecco Express.

Speaker 8 Like, we would tell the venue, in fairness to my agents, they were ringing because I would get annoyed then because I'm backstage and the girls are texting me going, they're out of Prosacco, they're out of glasses.

Speaker 8 And I'm like, it's carnage out there. So I was saying to my agent, please ring ahead and make sure they know.

Speaker 8 And then they would ring ahead and the venue would be like, oh yeah, don't worry, it's all taken care of. And the same thing would happen again.
I was like, don't underestimate those women.

Speaker 8 I think we broke the record in the palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Now, I think someone's broken it since because that was maybe two years ago.

Speaker 1 It wasn't our show, I'll tell you that much. That wasn't ours.
It was mine. It was my dweebs.
She's coming to see us.

Speaker 8 They ran out of the Duke. It was.

Speaker 1 We've also shared a tour manager in Australia. He took me around maybe a couple of weeks after.
Oh, yeah. And he said, yeah, your audience drink.

Speaker 8 Yeah, they're drinking.

Speaker 1 It'd be all these. Like, he said, all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening and then come out of the theater looking the complete or just absolutely shit face.

Speaker 8 I know. I love it so much.
That's why it's hard for me. It's hard for me.
It's hard for me sometimes because I have to remind myself it's not my night out.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Like when I first started, like I'd have a drink on stage and I was like, you can't, like, a drink on stage is fine, but

Speaker 8 it's not my night out. Like I'm actually there to work with it.

Speaker 1 Sometimes

Speaker 8 they just, I don't know, I just, I just love that kind of girls' night out vibe. I just want to kind of crowdsurf and get involved.
Or when I do smaller shows, I'd go out after.

Speaker 8 I'd just go to wherever they were.

Speaker 1 What's the audience? Yeah. Party with the audience.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 Well, like, not that they weren't, it's not like they were going out en masse. Yeah.
But, like, if women would text and be like, oh, we're actually in the pub next door.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, okay.

Speaker 1 You go. Yeah, go.
Was it not weird? Were they not like, you know, talking to you about your comedy all the time? And it was a bit of a divide. Not fun.

Speaker 8 No. This was back.
There were smaller rooms. Yeah.
But no, it was just like, oh, there's Jamon.

Speaker 1 There was no real,

Speaker 1 there was no divide at all. Yeah, and we just got drinking wine at the pub.
Yeah, it's nice. But you can't keep that up, can you? Because how many dates did you do of that last show? I don't know.

Speaker 8 It's a load, so it was a lot. It was a lot.
Yeah, it was a, yeah, it was a fair. It was two years.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So that's shitloads. That's shitloads.

Speaker 8 That's, yes.

Speaker 8 At some stage, I had to kind of be like, okay, this is a job now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, can't be on that drinking with the audience. But I can tell you, I, Jesus, I really, like, I really, I can, I can go.

Speaker 1 I can go.

Speaker 8 Even I was like, wow, I'm going again.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. And I feel great.

Speaker 8 I love, because I love gigging so much. I love doing shows so much that like the buzz of it, I would just go.

Speaker 8 And I think it was only once or twice in the tour that I was like, I think I tried to change or reschedule a show. Cause I was like, I really, I was like, you know yourself.

Speaker 1 You're like, 12 shows in a risk. I'm like,

Speaker 8 I don't think I can.

Speaker 8 And we didn't. We never once changed anything.
I just kept doing them. You know yourself, the adrenaline.
You just kind of come alive.

Speaker 1 I was just saying, so, sorry, when you were saying, like, I can go, I thought you meant. You were drinking every night after the show.
I was, yes.

Speaker 1 That is actually what I was doing. That is what you meant.
Yeah, yeah. But then I.

Speaker 8 Oh, it was what you you meant that yeah but i just enjoy the show i enjoy the buzz of the doing a show so much that you're able to then carry on i just get yeah i still care yeah i i have i don't really get hangovers or anything i don't know i'm like a cockroach it's weird but yeah they get worse as you get older i'm 41 james i mean okay

Speaker 1 you know what i mean bring me another argument

Speaker 1 i didn't know you were 41 yeah okay well i can't tell you that i i just as a 40 year old told a 41 year old hey,

Speaker 1 your hangover is going to get worse, believe me.

Speaker 8 It's weird. It's like they're, yeah, I don't know what it is.
Is it I've built up an immunity? I don't know. There's very little consequences.

Speaker 8 Even yeah, Irish drinker, we definitely have a rep for drinking. But like, even amongst my own people, I'm a, I'm a, I'm pretty, yeah, I can go.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I don't know how else to describe it.

Speaker 1 Are you going to do your own Pinot for this tour?

Speaker 8 Well, you can.

Speaker 1 Imagine selling your own, selling out of your own booze.

Speaker 8 But you know what the problem there is? Because I have someone who kind of I don't, I have no business savvy really at all. I'm just I don't think about stuff like that.

Speaker 8 But someone did say, why aren't you doing your own wine? And then I was like, oh, that's a great idea. It can taste like toilet duck.
I wouldn't give a shit.

Speaker 8 Anyway, they were like, the venues won't take it, sure. They want to sell their own booze.
Of course, yeah.

Speaker 1 Of course. You know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Imagine me at a desk at the front trying to flog my own booze. They'd be like, you cheap bastard.

Speaker 8 So no, no merchants. You could sell it to them at, you know.
To the venues. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Really? I'm sure. I'm sure there's a way of doing it.
Yeah. This is me talking as if I have any business acumen.

Speaker 1 They'll find a way of ripping you off. You can sell that on your website.
Surely you can be selling it in booze.

Speaker 8 But like what caliber of wine? Like...

Speaker 1 What doesn't matter? You're putting ice in it. Yeah, Snoop Dogg is selling wine.
You think that's great?

Speaker 8 Sorry, I don't put ice in wine.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, you're having it super cold. Super cold.
Super cold.

Speaker 8 But I won't put ice in wine. I think it's a disgrace.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, okay.

Speaker 8 Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster when Nick Muhammad?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine?

Speaker 1 It was a prize task.

Speaker 1 I saw the whole series.

Speaker 8 It was a prize.

Speaker 8 Do you remember what they were? We had to do to bring in something you can get into. So that could be like maybe a hobby.
Or obviously, because I have no imagination, brought in a sleeping bag.

Speaker 8 But

Speaker 8 it was designed like Tootin Camoon. That was kind of my thing.
So I was like, how cool would it be to get into Tootin Camoon's tomb? Anyway, Greg wasn't a fan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, last one point for last year.

Speaker 1 I think Nick's was one point, to be fair.

Speaker 8 He's like the sweetest man ever. And he's just so innocent or something.

Speaker 8 But he brought in the photo. And like, bearing in mind, the production have to agree.

Speaker 8 Like, I've brought in stuff that they were like, you know, yourself, they're like, nah, that's not really going to work. So they obviously saw this and they were like, yeah, go for it.

Speaker 8 And it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in it. It came up on the screen.
And we were all like, what? And he's like, did you know?

Speaker 8 You can add ice to wine.

Speaker 1 And we were just looking at him like, are you fucking on crack?

Speaker 1 he'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous someone had told him you could do it and he never knew it he didn't think anyone else knew you could do it it was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine was his pride and he said it so proudly didn't he it was like he'd it was like he'd like invented black holes or something it was like he was like did you know you could time travel yeah it was very funny but no i don't put ice and wine don't agree with that when he was on this podcast he said about putting a grape frozen grape yeah a frozen grape into a glass of lemonade lemonade or something he's calling it he calls it summer cocktail.

Speaker 1 Of course he does.

Speaker 1 Your dream starter.

Speaker 8 Okay, so my dream starter will be a club sandwich.

Speaker 1 Lovely. Great.
Yeah. Ed finds that funny.
I do. Because it's a sandwich.

Speaker 8 It's a sandwich.

Speaker 8 I love club sandwiches. Once it's a bacon, of course.
Yes, of course.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because of the club. Yeah, I don't eat bacon.

Speaker 1 It feels like it's not a club sandwich anymore.

Speaker 8 It's a chicken sandwich. Yeah, chicken salad sandwich but I guess you've got the three layers yeah and the toasty bit in the middle yeah and re and then again let's add loads of salt mayo

Speaker 1 loads of mayo it's basically it's mayo with a side of sandwich that's what I would say I think it's a myth but oh it might not be but Club is supposed to stand for chicken and lettuce under bacon but I think it might have been disproved.

Speaker 8 So I have a club. So you have a club.
I have a club. Yeah.
Yeah, I have a huge club.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 It's my favourite meal. And chips.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
The chips in the middle.

Speaker 8 Chips in the middle.

Speaker 1 There is something about when you're traveling abroad, especially for work, if you get there late to a hotel or something, there's always a club sandwich on room service menu. You can't go wrong.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You can't go wrong with a club sandwich or a club sandwich. So that would be my starter.
And again, a huge

Speaker 1 amount of

Speaker 1 difference between.

Speaker 8 I would tell them I was in Cape Town in January and we did this wine tasting event. And I was like, can I get a glass of wine? They're like, but the wine tasting is starting.
And I was like, yeah.

Speaker 8 They're like, okay.

Speaker 1 They pulled me

Speaker 8 while they were lining up the other wine.

Speaker 1 Cleansing your palette. That's fine.
Cleans my palette.

Speaker 8 Oh, by the way, no one's allowed in the restaurant to tell me what the ingredients of anything. I can't bear it.
I don't care.

Speaker 1 You don't want to know what's going on. I don't care.
I don't care.

Speaker 8 And they fucking clog up the whole thing telling you what the, I don't care. And it's in the fancy restaurants where they're serving you foam.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're pointing at it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 And you're like, I do not care.

Speaker 1 What do you do in that situation? If you are in a fancy restaurant and the waiter comes over and he's like doing a long spiel about what... You have to live.
What can you do?

Speaker 8 You can't just smack them off.

Speaker 8 You have to listen to him. It's like a one-man show.
You're like, oh, my God. Because I don't care.
I'm just like, it's just all fishy foam. It's all foam, really, isn't it?

Speaker 1 I think there's a way of doing it where you could be like. That's enough now.

Speaker 1 I know you have to do this. I really don't care.
So you can go and take the next couple of minutes off.

Speaker 8 But then I think they take that personally. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Like when I was at, we went to this really fancy restaurant in cape town because one of the lads i was there his boyfriend wanted to go like and he's a real foodie and me and his boyfriend aren't so we just were like just whatever and um we didn't care but like the staff it was obvious that it it bothered them like they wanted the ceremony of ding ding ding they like you know they stood at the top of the table and they pointed and it's like do you know when you're on an airplane and like they they start uh sending you instructions through the tannoy and you can't understand a fucking word.

Speaker 8 It's just like white noise. Yeah.
That's what I hear when there's someone at the top of the table telling me what's in the food.

Speaker 8 And then it comes out and you're like, all that for something the size of a TikTok.

Speaker 8 How are there more than two ingredients even in it?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Yeah. So it's, it's wasted on me.
So I don't want anyone interrupting telling me what's in the what about someone telling you about the wine?

Speaker 1 So pouring you a glass of wine and then telling you about the producer and the climate and the vintage. How do you feel about that?

Speaker 8 What do you think?

Speaker 1 I'd imagine you hate it, right? I wouldn't give a shit.

Speaker 8 I know because I sound solo, Ranch, but I am.

Speaker 1 No, but I think I get it because you just want to have eat the nice thing or whatever or a drink.

Speaker 8 If I had one day left on Earth, you'd find me under the top in a weather spoon. It's just like,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? Trying to get pushed for 20 quid.

Speaker 8 I just love it.

Speaker 1 Do you have a particular Pinot Grijo that you love, that's your go-to to buy?

Speaker 8 Anything around the eight-pound one.

Speaker 1 Hey, yes.

Speaker 1 No, I don't care. But there There must have been one where you're like, this is.

Speaker 8 I wish I cared.

Speaker 1 I wish I cared.

Speaker 1 I know there isn't one of those brilliant but makes stupid. I never went, oh, this one.
Even

Speaker 8 I'm like, oh, let me taste it. And I'm like, no.

Speaker 1 And not for any of that reason, not for any sort of fancy wine reason. Just to be like, I'll get that one again because I know I like it.
I know.

Speaker 8 I like it. I like barefoot.

Speaker 1 Okay, there you go.

Speaker 8 Which I think is kind of like the alcohol of wine. I think it's like saying that it's corner shop.

Speaker 1 I'll pair my steak with a blue wicket.

Speaker 8 I think it's pretty basic.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go barefoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 I know. It's terrible.
It's one of those things, it's like star signs. I wish I was more engaged.

Speaker 1 You wish you were more engaged in star signs.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I'd love to believe in it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I don't think so.

Speaker 1 It's not the same. Yeah, yes.
I mean, star signs are.

Speaker 1 So star signs are up for debate. But

Speaker 1 what people tell you is in the food is fact.

Speaker 1 I don't believe in this.

Speaker 1 I don't believe in this.

Speaker 1 The person who cooks. I mean, so you say.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I just wish that, because I think I know that like men certainly, I see a man at a stat, like the

Speaker 8 pride of a man at a barbecue or like women who kind of slave over meals. And I just don't get it.
It's like looking at, it's like trying to, you know, remember in that film with

Speaker 8 Robin Williams.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 What happens in it? We'll try and guess it.

Speaker 8 Your man's great at maths.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Remember he's standing in front of the equation.

Speaker 8 I remember people can't solve it. That's like me with fear.
I'm like, I don't get it.

Speaker 8 I know I need it and I do eat it. Yeah.
And I like what I eat, but I like.

Speaker 1 I completely,

Speaker 1 I was going to say, I understand. I sympathize with that viewpoint.
Yeah. But it is the opposite.

Speaker 8 But then when some people go over the top, I'm like, I think it's a bit wanky. I think they're being a bit pretentious with it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I am. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 you're so one of them.

Speaker 1 When they come out and they tell you what's in it and stuff.

Speaker 8 People who, particularly,

Speaker 8 I've dated men before. They make it their identity.
Now,

Speaker 8 my main opinion is here.

Speaker 1 What? Well, they start a podcast about it. Do you have a food podcast?

Speaker 1 Not this one.

Speaker 1 Joanne, where do you think you are? Jesus, that was for the listener. I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 when the penny dropped and Joanne realized what what she had said, I was like, oh, that wasn't a joke. That's incredible.
That was a genuine question to Ed. Do you have a food podcast?

Speaker 1 While we are discussing food on the podcast.

Speaker 8 Oh, my God. I think it was just the way you presented it.
Yeah. That I thought it was something you were doing on your own.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 8 Because James is here. I just, I'm Benito.
I lost track.

Speaker 1 Of course, this is a food podcast.

Speaker 1 This is more like a restaurant podcast, though. Sure.
Sure. I mean, what are restaurants if not food related? Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, fair enough. Yeah.
Oh, God.

Speaker 1 So you've dated men who are obsessed with making their identity.

Speaker 8 I'm like, get a hobby. Says you're one, slamming the peanuts.
I'm like, get a hobby.

Speaker 8 It's not like I'm doing anything interesting, but still, I find they can be a little bit much at times.

Speaker 1 I think, yeah, I think definitely if you're in a relationship or dating someone who is hyper into something you're not, and they don't care that you're not into it but they want to tell you about it all the time and and push that upon you so that you also and use it as a way of showing off their intellect or whatever

Speaker 8 it's very there's something snobby about us yes yeah they be they're snobby about us and obviously with my palace

Speaker 1 it's just never gonna work yeah you know fair enough yeah they're making french onion soup and all i'm like i'm not here for that well you know what's in it Does it annoy you in the title of

Speaker 1 what's in it is in the title of the title? As soon as they've said, I'll make you some French onion soup.

Speaker 1 Give me the whole meal.

Speaker 8 You know, I just want a cup of soup,

Speaker 8 which they recruit on.

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Speaker 1 Your dream main course.

Speaker 8 Okay, so keeping with the immature palates. Yeah.
Now, I love warm,

Speaker 8 reassuring food. And I have to say, this is just my dream meal.
Like, I do eat like other things. This is just if I could, I would love, I love two-minute noodles.

Speaker 8 Yeah, I love, you know, you're laughing at me now because

Speaker 8 you're probably an eight-minute noodle man, are you?

Speaker 8 Something fancy.

Speaker 1 Are you a ramen man?

Speaker 8 I love a two-minute noodle. There's now, it's two minutes, you're in and out.

Speaker 8 And I love potato waffles. And what I would imagine in my dream restaurant, do you know those sushi boats that you get in Asian restaurants? Yes.

Speaker 8 If I had a boat made out of potato waffles and then inside where it was filled with the two minute noodles, wouldn't that be delicious? So good. Yeah.
And it's floating in a bowl of butter.

Speaker 8 Wouldn't that be gorgeous? Yeah. And the anchor is a guojon.

Speaker 1 Has been anchor.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It'll be out the door.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Wouldn't stay. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Keep it still. So I can eat it.

Speaker 8 So took my dream dinner.

Speaker 1 Two minute noodles, as in, is that a specific brand that you like? Or is it just like a pot noodle?

Speaker 8 No, no, no, no, no, not the pot noodles. No.
The packets of them. I'm not, the pot noodles wouldn't do it for me now.
Which I'm glad to say I have some standards.

Speaker 1 Like the square. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like come with the flavoring seasoning.
Oh, they are great. Aren't they?

Speaker 8 They're so good. They're so good.
And I actually checked at one stage. There's no nutritional value in them at all.

Speaker 8 But like, whatever.

Speaker 1 We're out.

Speaker 1 It's a weekend. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 And I'd have them. But the waffles would have to be obviously a little curled just to keep them in

Speaker 8 shape or whatever. And then maybe a Pringle is the sale.

Speaker 1 That's good. That'd be cute, wouldn't it? Yeah.
How big is the waffle boat? And how many packs of two-minute noodles do you reckon you'd need to fill the waffle boat?

Speaker 1 And then, warning, there's going to be some maths involved after this.

Speaker 8 I didn't think, actually, I never thought about

Speaker 8 whether I'm on my own or not. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for your dream noodle.

Speaker 1 Who do you want there? I can't imagine you wanting it on your own because you're a social person. You love

Speaker 1 with your audience.

Speaker 1 You eat my own a lot.

Speaker 8 You know my own a lot. I don't know.
Yeah. You can come.
You can come.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 8 And my mum.

Speaker 1 just the four of us yeah wow will we get on with your mum ah yeah yeah she sounds you like her what's she sorry ben you i don't know if you're what your plans are

Speaker 1 i'll bring it down

Speaker 8 yeah you don't say much so not sure what you bring to the table really not much so you're not you're not involved in the waffle button you've been sent back to shore

Speaker 8 um so the waffle button well i i want it would have to be something quite remarkable really wouldn't it and pushed out on a butter a tread no you someone would have to push it out like as in it would be kind of quite the

Speaker 8 what would i say what am i trying to think of when something when you look at something it's a spectacle yes yeah i'd want the whole do you know the way in restaurants and there's that they bring out the hot meat platter and there's like it's all fizzing and there's fire coming off like the sparklers that's what i'd want really is it say is it sailing to the to the table is there like a river a river of butter that leads to the table well there now you're talking feels like it should really oh my god yeah i didn't think of that there's a river of butter like leads out of the kitchen.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I didn't think of that. Like a sushi conveyor belt, but it's a river of butter.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 1 But then you'd have to get the Goujon anchor and anchor it yourself.

Speaker 8 Oh yeah, that's nice. It's a bit of exercise.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Get my steps up.

Speaker 1 Fuck the chow down 60 kilos of potato apples.

Speaker 8 Yeah, no, I could do that.

Speaker 1 Is there a particular

Speaker 1 really good idea?

Speaker 1 That's a spectacle, isn't it? Yeah. Is there a particular flavour of the noodles that you have? Chicken.
The chicken ones. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 Chicken ones. Or curry.
I like them both. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you've got so many packets in there. You could have a mix.
Chicken curry. And just

Speaker 8 also, that whole meal will cost about six pounds.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 You know what I mean? I'm bringing value here as well.

Speaker 1 I guess the construction of the butter river.

Speaker 8 My mum would do that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Someone's got to build a waffle boat. I mean, that's what we've come to.
My mum would do that. My mum would do that.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How many packets, though? Because do you want us to

Speaker 1 boil them all at the same time so it's two minutes across the board? Yeah. Or are we doing them one after the other in the same like no, because you

Speaker 1 and then it's going to take ages?

Speaker 8 No, no, no, we'd have to do them at the same time. Otherwise, you're mixing al dente tumino noodles with much softer tumin, or they'd go cold.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so we're going to have to have a lot of pots on the boil.

Speaker 8 Yeah, it'd be quite that it'd be like a challenge Annika kind of thing. Yeah.
And there'd be like timers and stuff. Um, but we're not involved in that.
That's all behind the scenes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is Annika? Is Annika doing it? And your mum?

Speaker 8 Annika, do you remember? She used to drop out of like planes and helicopters.

Speaker 1 She was running the whole time.

Speaker 8 She's running all the time in those incredibly tight pants.

Speaker 1 I think it would become like an old school comedy sketch where it's like,

Speaker 1 who's doing the noodles? Rice. No, I said the noodles.

Speaker 1 Rice is doing

Speaker 1 the noodles. Rice is on the noodles.
We'll get them off. Get them off the noodles.
Then noodles from the offspring pops up. Did someone go for me?

Speaker 1 I'm doing the rice.

Speaker 1 He's the guitarist. Noodles.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be a good sketch, Joanne.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you want the theme tune from Titanic? Play them when the boat comes out?

Speaker 8 No, we do something like fun, like Vanga Boys or something.

Speaker 1 Vanga Buses coming out. I mean, great.
So isn't that confusing, though, if you're playing the Venga buses coming when the boat comes out? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's only us four. Yeah, and we know what's going to happen.
So that's fine. So we're not like,

Speaker 1 we've ordered us.

Speaker 1 We know what's coming. On the menu.
Down the Border River. On the menu, it would have a picture of it.
It feels like there would be a picture of it when you order it.

Speaker 8 100%. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it would say accompanied by the Venga buses coming. So you know what's coming coming up.

Speaker 8 Or maybe you can choose the song you want. That's good.

Speaker 8 Yeah, that's now we're adding a bit of.

Speaker 8 There's a party vibe happening here now.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
But you would select the Venga buses coming.

Speaker 8 I think so, yeah. Something to kind of lift us after our club sandwiches because we'd be carved out of it.
So we need to.

Speaker 1 I'm going to patch up a potato waffle boat with noodles in it. I don't think the carbs are going away anytime soon.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 And I'd be at, I'd like, I'd like it because it's a dream meal and I don't smoke anymore. But for the for the evening that's in it, I would like one marble light

Speaker 8 indoors.

Speaker 1 Yeah, during the main course. Well, I don't know.

Speaker 8 I'm trying to decide where that would go. Well, maybe not.
I don't miss the music.

Speaker 1 Because the ship got a cannon and it just fires a cigarette into your mouth.

Speaker 1 No, don't ridiculous that. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Don't be ridiculous.

Speaker 8 Some fantastical. No, I'd like a little marble light, but I would like it indoors, like old school, like 80s kind of vibes.

Speaker 1 It's great. Are we pairing a drink with the main course?

Speaker 8 We are.

Speaker 1 What would you like?

Speaker 8 I'd like a giant glass of Pinot Gridia.

Speaker 8 I'm three down now, am I?

Speaker 1 Every time you

Speaker 1 order a new drink, do you spend the time being like, I wonder what I'm going to have now?

Speaker 1 And everyone sat there going, we're not going to fucking have drinks.

Speaker 1 What wines do you have?

Speaker 1 Is that in New Zealand?

Speaker 1 No one cares.

Speaker 8 No, do you know what actually, no, to spice it up? Because

Speaker 8 two large wines are enough for any woman, really. Because then you start getting a little you know opinionated

Speaker 8 we wouldn't want that to happen yeah and i just want everyone to enjoy themselves i just want everyone to enjoy themselves so i'd move on do you know what drink i love and i don't know i i've never paired it with the potato waffle boat before uh i love a negroni yeah this will this all calm those opinions

Speaker 1 just to take the hatch yeah a little bit of class lovely yeah yeah bit of class yeah negroni with a little umbrella in it yeah yeah lovely.

Speaker 8 And a Ferrero Roche floating down the bottom. What?

Speaker 1 A Ferrero Roche. A Ferrero Roche in the drink.
In the drink.

Speaker 8 I want to continue to lower the tone. I don't know.
Or frozen Haribo.

Speaker 1 So you put.

Speaker 1 But you were worried though when you said Negroni. You're like, people are going to.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, what have I done? I'm just saying this for show.
That's not what I want.

Speaker 1 Frozen Haribo.

Speaker 1 Do you never freeze your Haribo? No. Oh.
Oh, I mean, that sounds genius. I love that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I freeze most things. Like those naked bars.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Freeze them as well. Great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But are you just eating them frozen? Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 8 They last for six times the amount of time. Like they're chewy.
They're delicious.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I've told the story on the podcast before. Probably.

Speaker 1 We got sent a bunch of naked bars once when we were starting this podcast. So I had loads in the house.

Speaker 1 And the first time that my girlfriend came back to my flat in the morning, I had to leave really early. I said, Help yourself to everything.
Got loads of naked bars in there that need eating.

Speaker 1 If you want one of them, just for a good quick breakfast or whatever. Got back.
She had gone. She'd left the naked bar wrapper on my pillow with a note because she didn't like the naked bar.

Speaker 1 As a like, as a joke. Oh.

Speaker 1 But when she left, she shut the front door. A breeze must have occurred that meant that the naked bar wrapper blew off the pillow, but the note remained.

Speaker 1 So I came back

Speaker 1 after the first night I'd spent with my girlfriend. Intimately.
This was the first intimate night. Yeah.
To a night on my pillow that said, worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. Stop!

Speaker 1 That's not true!

Speaker 1 James!

Speaker 1 That is what happened. No! You are the only comic I know who that would have actually happened to, and you've still not done it on a fucking tour.

Speaker 1 How are you not doing that? How are you not going booking a gig in for tonight? That's so funny. It doesn't sound real.
It doesn't sound real.

Speaker 1 It sounds too written. People don't care about that.
No, they don't. Well, still, it's important to me that people know that that is what happened.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, skip ever put in my mouth.
How have you not told me that before? I thought I had. No, I thought I must have told you that.
No. Good for her.

Speaker 1 Good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sure. But I was like, well, I can't text her now.
Like, I don't know. I'd like to go and have a date with her.

Speaker 1 She's awesome. She's kind of like, this seems a bit brutal.
That's not going to happen again.

Speaker 8 And I can't wish to like naked bars. I horse those things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I like them. I love them.
I like them. Yeah, I love them as well.
She's awesome.

Speaker 8 No, she wants them.

Speaker 1 Have you had the, they do like chocolate-covered ones now. Have you had those before? No.
Yeah. They do like bigger sort of chocolate covered ones.

Speaker 8 I'm eating the, there's the pro they do a protein one because as we know, protein is huge right now.

Speaker 1 Huge.

Speaker 8 And they say that like once you hit your 40s, if you're not eating, I don't know, 60 kgs of protein a day, you're going to fucking die of muscle atrophy or something. It's all about protein now.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 Yeah. yeah and lifting weights so I tried to get my protein in reference

Speaker 1 your dream side dish coleslaw

Speaker 1 by the way

Speaker 1 there's no protein in this meal

Speaker 1 there's a bit of chicken in the top sandwich I've eaten 19 egg whites

Speaker 1 chicken flavoured noodles yeah come on

Speaker 8 what do you want open your mind a lot of protein

Speaker 8 I'll get an old-fashioned. Is there an egg white and that? Doesn't put an egg white in that.

Speaker 1 No, they don't. It's whiskey sour.
You could get a whiskey sour. Yeah, sorry, yeah.
Yeah, sorry, sorry. You completely tricked me there.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you agreed.
Yeah. I did.
I'll go. Of course.

Speaker 1 So you said there were egg white and that, a picture of whiskey sour. I was like, yep.

Speaker 1 And then, no, that's a Devon Brown trick you've done on me.

Speaker 8 Yeah, coleslaw. Like, I love the stuff.

Speaker 1 How much coleslaw would you say you're eating day to day?

Speaker 8 Well, my mum, when she'd do the big shop at the weekend, she'd get, like when we were younger, she'd get one of those, you know, those like buckets of coleslaw. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Say on a Friday or Saturday, she'd do the big shop and by the Tuesday, Wednesday, it was gone.

Speaker 1 Amazing. Yeah.
How many of you are in the house?

Speaker 8 Well, I don't have it in the house now. I'd have it as a side for a sandwich, but like I only get the little tubs.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or I'd like

Speaker 8 you to find me in dead face down to see a coleslaw. I can't be trusted with the stuff.
I love it.

Speaker 1 Is this coming on the side or is it going to be on the boat somehow as well?

Speaker 8 Well, well, that's a presentation issue, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But do you want it on the boat?

Speaker 8 Well, you could maybe attach it. There could be some dinghies, some little dinghies of coal stores.

Speaker 1 Dingies that will have coal stores. Yeah, but like a flattener.
Roped to the main vessel. Yeah, yeah, I like that.

Speaker 1 That'd be fun.

Speaker 1 Does that mean the ship is sinking? They're having to escape. No, no, no, no, no.
Why would the ship be sinking? Well, I don't think the lifeboat's ever deployed if it's not.

Speaker 1 It's not a lifeboat necessarily. I thought you said lifeboats.

Speaker 8 I said dinghy.

Speaker 1 Okay, so these are people just knocking about.

Speaker 8 Yeah, just like for presentations. There's there's the main waffle ship.
Yes, that's the main event. And then the sides float down after.
Oh, do you know what put them in?

Speaker 8 Do you know those circular water

Speaker 1 rings?

Speaker 8 Yeah, put them in a little.

Speaker 1 But then they've got to go through it. There's no bottom to those.
The coal stores are going to go to pieces. They're going to straight through into the butter.
In the butter river.

Speaker 8 Do you know what you know what we do to keep with the aqua theme?

Speaker 1 I thought it was Venga Boys.

Speaker 1 Famously, Ed, Aqua sand the Venga bus is coming as a tribute.

Speaker 8 But you know what would be fun? Just fun now.

Speaker 8 To keeping with the Aqua theme, the pool noodles, I've always

Speaker 8 hollowed them out and put the post out in there and they have to blow it out into your blade.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah. Revolting.
Yeah, yeah. Awful.
I can't believe only craft at this stage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that'd be fun.

Speaker 8 We'll not just blow the coast out via the pool noodle. That's a good place.
I don't notice it. I'm out smoking.
I'm smoking somewhere in the corner.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So you're going, you're stepping away from the table to smoke.

Speaker 8 I wouldn't smoke at the table.

Speaker 8 I'm not a complete monster. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Appreciate it. I'd just be watching it all, Ralph.

Speaker 1 Watching it all happen. Yeah.
From the table now.

Speaker 1 Blows coleslaw

Speaker 1 out of a straw onto her plate. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'll be over in a bit, man.
Just finishing my segue. Blow me out of coleslaw from that pool noodle.
Okay, Joanne.

Speaker 1 Splat.

Speaker 1 everywhere.

Speaker 1 Fingerbus blaring up.

Speaker 1 The girl said the

Speaker 1 noodles. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Speaker 8 What's wrong with that sentence?

Speaker 1 Oh, nothing. I just never heard it before.
I think it'd be great. I'm having a ball.
Yeah. It's a fun night.
It's a fun night. I'm loving it.
I'm loving it. Undeniably fun.

Speaker 1 We're all having a nice evening.

Speaker 1 Benito's watching outside in the rain.

Speaker 1 Face pressed against the glass. Can't come in.

Speaker 8 Chopsticks to eat the noodles? No, I'm not that talented. No, it'd have to be.

Speaker 1 You must have known the answer to that before you said it. You're thinking older than I did.

Speaker 8 You think it hands? I'm thinking Hans. Old Skill.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 Yeah, like quite Buddhist.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Indian.
Downloaded it with an airplane. Very Buddhist.

Speaker 1 Well, I think of, well, I think of you, I think it's a very Buddhist.

Speaker 8 I actually can, I can use, I can use chopsticks if, like, in an emergency, like if there's nothing else, but I don't find it the easiest. No, we'd all have a ladle each.
Yeah. That's normal, isn't it?

Speaker 1 To ladle noodles into your... Yeah, ladle's ladle.
Ladle's normal. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ladle's normal.

Speaker 8 Yeah, ladle's normal. And it can't be normal.

Speaker 1 It depends what you're using it for. Flash.

Speaker 1 Are we using the ladles to eat? Like, are we going ladle to mouth? Are we ladling the noodles onto the plate? Yeah. Okay, so I'd say ladling noodles into your mouth isn't normal.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it doesn't mean you can't do it for your dream meal.

Speaker 8 Exactly. I'd like the sense of camaraderie.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Camaraderie that we're all just getting stuck in.

Speaker 1 And you can ladle butter out on the plate.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and no one's worried about germs or anything like that we're just at one yeah i think if you're eating noodles out of a waffle boat you're probably not concerned about

Speaker 1 straight to the mouse out of a butter river that ran out of the kitchen and onto the table yeah i mean yeah and we're just really connected blowing coleslaw out of a pool noodle doesn't feel covered safe no

Speaker 1 none of it this would not none of this would be taking place in 2021 or yeah

Speaker 8 no but it's fine now it's like we're just all we're just really like together no one cares about that kind of thing yeah yeah um and is there a drink paired with the side dish or with the coleslaw yeah and like is it using it as a mixer like it

Speaker 1 no i don't not saying you have to put the coleslaw in a in a drink i just mean that for every course so far you've had a drink as well oh okay i don't know if you also want to drink during this course you've obviously got an aggroni going on with the with the main yeah it's got ferrero roches in it so i know that it's got and haribo frozen

Speaker 1 hamabo in there so i don't know if you also want some

Speaker 1 when your side dish comes out but and is the sparkly water gone or is that still that's still there That's just on top. That's always going to be there.

Speaker 8 Do you know what I'll have at this point in the evening? Yeah. Because I'm probably a bit lethargic with the food.

Speaker 8 So I'd have maybe a little round of shots.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 And we're back in the game now.

Speaker 1 What shots are you talking?

Speaker 8 I'd let people choose, and then I'd order tequilas for everyone.

Speaker 8 Tequila. And then you'd the sense of occasion.
You're doing the salt. And the, that's fun.

Speaker 1 James is playing footsie with me. I just played footsie with Ed.

Speaker 8 Yeah, that's the tequila cooking in.

Speaker 8 We're all getting a little gamey now. Everyone's getting a little squidgy.
Yeah, I do shots.

Speaker 1 I was about to ask you if there's a particular tequila that you like, but I suspect I know the answer to this. I don't know.
No.

Speaker 8 There's one that comes in a skull, which is really cool. Yeah.
Have you seen that one?

Speaker 1 No, I know the Volka that comes in a skull. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe the Volka.

Speaker 1 Crystal Head. Crystal Head.
That's the one. But there might be a tequila as well.
Do you know whose company that is? Crystal Head?

Speaker 8 No. It's not your one.
It's not Kendall Jenner.

Speaker 8 Doesn't Kendall Jenner have a tequila company? She's a tequila brand.

Speaker 1 A lot of people have tequila companies. Do they?

Speaker 1 Tequila's huge in America. They love it over there.
Yeah. I think, does Clooney have a tequila company? Yeah, the Rock's got one.
The Rock's got one. The Breaking Bad Boys have got a Mescal company.

Speaker 8 Kylie Minauk has a wine. Graham Norton has a wine.
Gary Barlow has a wine. He's sat in the box.
I'm not him, obviously, personally, but I got a box of Gary Barlow's wines the other day.

Speaker 8 They were lovely.

Speaker 1 Were they? Yeah. I've heard they're actually pretty good.
And people love that Kylie Rose as well. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You need to get on this. This is when the Pinot, come on.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Pinot and Prosecco.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 8 I drank so much Prosecco during Prosecco Express that I've lost the taste for it now.

Speaker 8 I find it triggering.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's like

Speaker 8 work. Yeah, it's like it's gone.
Even the smell of it now and all. I'm like, no, no, no.
I've moved on. I've evolved.

Speaker 1 It's like when you hear music from a playlist that you're doing a show of now, and you're just like, oh God, your stomach just starts tying up.

Speaker 8 I find, oh, apparently smells and music are like the biggest triggers for memory. So if I smell like Tommy Girl or anything from the noughties or 90s,

Speaker 8 it's like you're straight back drinking and feels with your friends. Like, it's so strong.
The memories that it brings back. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love how anything you smell takes you back to a time when you were drinking.

Speaker 1 I just heard that.

Speaker 8 But, like, we were all drinking. That's when we were.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Do you know what I did once? Oh, my God. And I know I sound like a complete piss out.
Like, I don't drink all the time, but

Speaker 1 I heard that little growl.

Speaker 8 One time my mum, so we were, when we were younger, you'd make dolly mixtures out of like whatever was in your parents' drinks cabinet. You know what a dolly mixture is, don't you?

Speaker 1 Well, I thought I did, and then you carried on talking. Yeah, and then I was like, what do you call it?

Speaker 8 Dolly mixture is the sweet sweets. Yeah, no, no, no, no.
In Ireland, they call it a dolly mixture.

Speaker 8 So you'd, you'd open the drinks cabinet and like whatever was there, you'd just like mix like whatever you could get away with.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean? That's a very cute name for something that is

Speaker 1 atrocious. Yeah, I know.
Wow. Dolly mixture, mixture, but it's a bit more expensive.
Dolly mixture, everything in the cabinet. Anything?

Speaker 8 Yeah, because you couldn't.

Speaker 1 Putting whatever you could get away with so it didn't look like the level had gone down. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 8 So you'd have like a bit of absinthe, a bit of creme, like you'd creme to look, whatever.

Speaker 1 The crap that they weren't drinking anyway.

Speaker 8 Some brandy, whatever. And then you'd go out and get absolutely fucked out of your face with your friends.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's called childhood. Anyway, childhood.

Speaker 1 One time. James, it's called childhood.

Speaker 1 Look it up. It's called Memories.

Speaker 8 No, it's not yeah it's called blackout teenage blackouts so the my mum was out and i i was in a rush and there was no i had to like you know you take the daddy mixture when the opportunity presents itself you take the daddy mixture you might even be going out for three days but you take it and you store it and i'd no plastic bottle i'd no drinks bottle to store it i had no vehicle for it and my mom had just come back from lourdes and she brought back this huge

Speaker 8 oh yeah i know isn't it so bad this huge holy mary virgin statue full of holy water that she'd bought like in Lourdes and like got blessed with it and laugh and she'd flown it back.

Speaker 8 And I fucking didn't toss out the holy water and fill the whole thing up with Dolly Mixture.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I dragged it out of the weekend. And they didn't the thing.

Speaker 1 It's quite appropriate we're sat in a circle for this story.

Speaker 8 The crown was the lid, the little blue crown.

Speaker 1 I love that you were like, I've got to get the levels perfect on all the boots. So my mum doesn't realize any of it's gone, but you're happy to completely pour away all the holy water.
Steal her face.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, she'll open that down the line. It'll be empty.
Miracle.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Jesus.
She thinks of fucking brandy. She thinks about every booze I've ever had.

Speaker 8 Jesus drinking vodka now. But then the Mary thing, she turned up in one of the girls' back gardens because we were drinking down like in the local estate.
And she faced down in the mud.

Speaker 8 She was like, oh my God, you're not going to believe it. Yeah.
So she actually came back like a little boomerang. But my mum didn't notice for ages that she was gone.

Speaker 1 Did you get it back? She's alive. So you didn't take it back.
You didn't drink it and then take it back. I lost it down the field.

Speaker 1 So is that what you're having for this course? Dolly mixture? I'm lost. No, where did that come from?

Speaker 8 Oh, tequila shots.

Speaker 1 Tequila Shots, yeah. So, we're having tequila shots.

Speaker 8 We're having tequila shots.

Speaker 8 You guys are getting a little quiet. I can feel you're fading a bit.
Yeah, so I'm like, all right, come on, get the shot, get the shots in.

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Speaker 1 Your dream drink. This is now your dream drink.
Number one.

Speaker 1 So we're so far we've had two two large glasses of pinot yeah

Speaker 1 the grease

Speaker 8 pick two two large pinos

Speaker 8 okay two large peanuts

Speaker 1 you've had a negroni

Speaker 1 with frozen

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 we've had a tequila shot

Speaker 1 so what's what's your dream drink now

Speaker 8 um

Speaker 8 how how are you opinion opinion wise like are you because you're opinionated with the peanut with the grige yeah and then you've calmed yourself down with the it might be time it might be i was gonna say it might be time to have a little robinson's but it's not us we're out now um i was gonna try and have something like a green tea just to save face yeah but i'm not going and then that would go down on record as your dream drink yeah no no no that's yeah yeah no one would believe that is it back on the grige i mean my the grige is my dream it is my dream drink yeah um but if i've had two huge ones At this stage, well, do you know what?

Speaker 8 It just for, can I give two answers? Yes, yes. Technically, Pinot Grigo is my favorite drink.

Speaker 8 I also like a gin and slim, but

Speaker 8 if there was a gun to my head, it would be Pinot. And if there was no gun to my head, it would still be Pinot.

Speaker 8 But I think at this stage in the evening, I could do it something to kind of up my game a little bit. And I do enjoy an espresso martini.

Speaker 1 This is the point of the evening for an espresso martini. Yeah, I think it is.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, we've let you pair each course of a drink. I think the same should go for the drinks course.
Yeah. So you've got your espresso martini, but we'll also pair that with a Pinot Griggio.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, great. Yeah.

Speaker 8 I wasn't sure I was allowed to do that, but that sounds gorgeous.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I need if I'm there, but at this point, I need an espresso martini because this has been carb overload.

Speaker 8 Oh, big time. I'm shit-faced.
I might smoke and call on the dealer. I'm like, these guys need to be.

Speaker 1 I've covered us all in mayonnaise.

Speaker 1 I've accidentally sucked in on my pull noodle.

Speaker 1 I'm choking to death on coleslaw. Yeah.

Speaker 8 We need smelling salts. That's what we need to shake shit up.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, espresso martini.

Speaker 8 I think so, yeah.

Speaker 1 Ed had espresso martinis at his wedding. I did.

Speaker 8 Handed them out. They're lovely.
But you can only, there's only so many you can have, I find. Like, do you not find that you can have...

Speaker 1 Did you have seven or eight? No, I think I had three. I think three is probably my top, top limit.

Speaker 1 But that was, and they came out at like 10 o'clock at the wedding, which is a perfect time for them to come out.

Speaker 1 We arrive at your dream dessert.

Speaker 8 Well, well, well.

Speaker 8 So I thought maybe... again, adding to just like I like presentation, sense of occasion that I would have.

Speaker 1 And we're, we're we've gone loud and colorful yeah so I would love because there's no budget here I can do I can there's no budget there's no budget put that out your mind yeah what put that out your mind there's no budget there's no budget here which is great there's no well there's no budget but you've already insisted your mum make the the potato boat yeah because I was worried I didn't want to go over budget there's no there's no budget a lot of labor from your mum has gone into it yeah didn't necessarily need to yeah and a lot of styrofoam yeah

Speaker 8 the cat's flow noodles I think I would, I was thinking about like a dessert trolley.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 8 Why settle for a trolley?

Speaker 8 And I would love the dessert. I would love to choose from a selection of desserts.
And I'd love Tom Hardy.

Speaker 8 But how much is he?

Speaker 1 Huh? There's no budget.

Speaker 1 No budget.

Speaker 8 I'm sure he does corporates. I'm sure he does corporates.

Speaker 1 I don't think Tom Hardy does corporates.

Speaker 8 I think he does corporates.

Speaker 1 I don't think he's the type. who does corporates.

Speaker 8 Okay, one of the lads from Magic Mike.

Speaker 1 But you hang on.

Speaker 1 Why don't you just have Tom Hardy? You can can have whoever you want yeah no i want it doesn't matter if they do it doesn't matter if they do corporates or not yeah no i have tom hardy

Speaker 8 tom hardy i want tom hardy cycling out you know those tuk-tuks in london with all the yeah yeah fur on them and stuff like buying out music yeah tina turner i want one of them coming out and then tom is driving it yeah and maybe there's like a sidecar full of desserts yeah so is he because you were going in the magic mic direction is he topless he's topless yeah yeah yeah i was gonna say that but uh yeah going to be jeans on.

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not in like pants.

Speaker 8 No, he's in jeans.

Speaker 1 He's in jeans, but like he's topless.

Speaker 8 Yeah. So he'll, and he will be, he will have no top on, but that's with his full consent.

Speaker 1 Yes. That's the way he said that, maybe, London.
Yes, he will have no top on. Yeah.
You said it like it was a hugely professional thing that you were talking about. Like a very

Speaker 1 the whole thing was professional.

Speaker 8 He will have, he will be topless. And

Speaker 8 maybe for fun.

Speaker 1 This isn't fun yet.

Speaker 1 Tom Hardy, topless, trying to tuck to the

Speaker 1 sidecar of desserts. For some reason, it's a tok took, even though there's no one sitting in the back.
We need to make this more fun.

Speaker 1 How are we going to jazz this up? So po-faced.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Jeremy, please.

Speaker 8 Maybe something,

Speaker 8 maybe something waterproof, and then he swims back up the Butter River

Speaker 1 when he's leaving. Yeah.
So he drops off the desserts and then he takes us through the options. Yeah.
Oh, so you don't mind it when Tom Hardy does it? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 And like they're only macaroons and all. He's not going to, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 He's not going to bang on about it for fucking two days.

Speaker 8 It's a quick description.

Speaker 1 So yeah, take us through what's in the site.

Speaker 8 So there'd be macaroons. Yeah.
Yeah. Think very much like hen party desserts.
Okay. I'd let me some French fancies, some gelato,

Speaker 8 with some choice, like choices of different types of gelato. I like, I like choice.

Speaker 8 Oh, I love a profiterelle. Yeah.
And some chocolate biscuit cake.

Speaker 1 Chocolate biscuit cake? I don't think I've had chocolate biscuit cake. It obviously sounds brilliant.

Speaker 8 It's really good.

Speaker 1 I mean, is it a cake or is it a biscuit?

Speaker 8 It's a biscuit, I believe, for tax reasons. Wasn't there that huge debate? Wasn't a Jaffa cake, a cake or a biscuit? What was it in the end? A cake? Yeah.

Speaker 8 No, this is very much, this is hardcore biscuit.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 I used to make them in school and then sell them in the locker room.

Speaker 1 Is it like the crushed up biscuits with chocolate poured in? You just put it in the fridge, right? Is it not?

Speaker 8 And you can add marshmallows if you want. I love that stuff.
Oh, they're so good.

Speaker 1 So you get biscuits, you crush them up. Yeah.
You glue them back together with melted chocolate.

Speaker 8 Throw in a couple of marshmallows.

Speaker 1 And then you send them at school after you've had them in the fridge.

Speaker 8 Let them freeze, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or the freezer. Yeah.
You can put other chocolate bars in them as well and stuff. You can do like bits of Mars bar and gorgeous.
Oh, God. Yeah.
Great.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Really good.
So then that's, so then you have a choice of selection. And again, there's like a bit of chat and it's a bit of a, there's camaraderie

Speaker 8 in choosing and we can discuss it. No, I think it'd be really good fun.

Speaker 1 How long is Tom Hardy hanging around before he swims back up the Butter River?

Speaker 8 Depends on his fees, really.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's no, again, there's no, there's no...

Speaker 1 emphasize this enough no one is paying for this depending

Speaker 1 a fantasy

Speaker 1 james is a genie

Speaker 1 james is a genie in there a genie i could make it any of it happen for you yeah i don't want him to stay longer than he feels

Speaker 1 like he wants to but i'm not going to ask him to leave it's hard though to magic on him that he wants to but he can leave when he likes because essentially If we didn't make it that he wants to, he's not showing up to this.

Speaker 1 There's no way Tom Hardy's taking this gig of his own free will. So we have to, I have to use, I have to use my

Speaker 1 hand on the menu yet. He doesn't know anything about it.
He's not going to eat it.

Speaker 1 He's here as a worker.

Speaker 8 He's an employee. You're so classless.

Speaker 1 You said the guests were us to win your fucking mum. Eat.
It was us to win your mum. They're the only people that you said were going to be there eating.

Speaker 1 If I had to have my top off, I don't want to eat that many cars. No.

Speaker 1 He's not touching that. He's not touching it.

Speaker 8 You haven't wait. There's a stage about to pop up and end it to you.
We're about to get on it.

Speaker 1 so i think he'll

Speaker 1 yeah that's the problem we've we've realized that joanne now has ultimate control and we are there

Speaker 1 i just make a strip and i throw kinder bruinos actually it'd be great crack happy to yeah why not i think that'd actually be good for my self-esteem yeah little kinder eggs yeah i hope i'm getting chocolate throwed at me yeah

Speaker 8 So Tom's there, he's taking us through the desserts. We're picking a little.

Speaker 1 Is he doing a lap? Are you getting in the tuk-tuk and he does a little lap around the room? No, the

Speaker 8 I hadn't thought about that. Actually, it's a great idea.
It's a really good idea.

Speaker 1 Because otherwise, why is there a sidecar of desserts? They should just be in the main carriage of the tuk-tuk. But like, if the main carriage is just completely empty.

Speaker 8 But no, because when you, when the tuk-tuk, when the tuk-tuks drive past you

Speaker 8 in their day-to-day, yeah, before they turn into dessert cards at night, you don't see what's in the back. It's kind of hidden.

Speaker 8 Whereas I would like the more kind of the presentation of maybe he drives out and there's a big kind of the the front of the I know sorry take it all back okay Tom Hardy penny farthing bike so he's very tall as he arrives out and he's pushing on the front a kind of a stage Yes of desserts okay so I'm guessing he's like when I'll picture him on a penny farthing bike I'm imagining him as Bronson in the film Bronson or in peaky blinders or in peaky blinders I know that reference yeah yeah so sort of looking old oldie weldy Victorian sort of one of those little old man baseball caps he's got no top.

Speaker 8 And he's topplers. But that's his choice.
I was like, Tom, do what you want. No, no, this is your...

Speaker 1 It is all coming from you.

Speaker 8 No, I think that that's what Tom wants. Okay.
He doesn't know yet that that's what he wants. Oh.
Yeah, he doesn't know yet.

Speaker 1 Is he getting off the penny farthing to show you the desserts or is he just staying up there and shouting down what?

Speaker 8 No, no, no. He's coming down.
He's hanging out. Like, yeah, yeah.
There's no point having Tom there and paying those fees if you're not going to have him engaged. There's no fees in some way.

Speaker 1 It's literally we're not paying him. Like no one needs to pay him.
And then he swims down the butter river once he's all done. I just think it's...

Speaker 8 If he wants to make an exit, I think no harm. It seems...
Well, he can't take the, he can't cycle the thing. He has to leave the penny for I think deserve quite fair.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 So that we can keep going if we so wish.

Speaker 1 We will.

Speaker 8 We will. We will wish.
We will wish.

Speaker 8 And then I just think it would be a nice kind of finale to the evening if Tom Hardy is doing some sort of little breaststroke back up the Butter River and we're waving.

Speaker 1 We wave at him.

Speaker 8 I believe so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, wave him alone along. I do.

Speaker 8 I believe so. And then the Venga bus music kind of slowly starts building again.

Speaker 1 So he swims out to the Venga boys.

Speaker 1 It starts building slowly. So he starts swimming.
And as he's swimming, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Or maybe it's something more epic. Maybe it's something full of miserab.

Speaker 1 It gets louder and louder.

Speaker 8 Yeah. I like that.
Yeah. I like that vibe.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then there's confetti.
Yeah. You know, one of the Venga boys has had loads of problems with dolphins.
I got told that when I was on Never Mind the Buzzcocks. What do you mean? What?

Speaker 1 That like one of them has repeatedly been attacked by dolphins in in his life. What? To the point where it's an issue.
How is it...

Speaker 8 Surely one dolphin attack is enough to step away from the city.

Speaker 1 I mean, you would think so.

Speaker 1 They're very passive. Have you found it beneficial?

Speaker 8 The whales were kind of.

Speaker 1 Let me see.

Speaker 1 Why are you recycling stuff you did on Never Mind the Buzz? I didn't do it. I got told it.
Greg Davis told it to me. You know, he has a sea-through toaster.
I assume a researcher told... told Greg.

Speaker 1 That's where I heard about the see-through toaster.

Speaker 8 Greg Davis is a see-through toaster. There you go.
There you go. That's a flex.
That's all for me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's a big flex. Venger Boy Star assaulted by dolphin while filming water scene for music video.

Speaker 8 So one assault.

Speaker 1 Well, Robin Paws shared a bizarre behind-the-scene moment. He was assaulted by a horny dolphin.
That's what it says here in the news. The dolphin.
Yes, that's my story.

Speaker 1 Yes, I had an encounter with a dolphin.

Speaker 1 That says.

Speaker 8 That would be Tom Hardy writing about me.

Speaker 1 There are some inappropriate things that have happened. Robin, while shooting a music video on a tropical island in the Caribbean, was sexually assaulted by a dolphin.
Very horny dolphins.

Speaker 1 This is what it says. I'm just reading it verbatim when it says that.
I've heard this about dolphins before that they are very horny and very persistent with tourists.

Speaker 1 How would you know?

Speaker 8 How can you tell the difference between a dolphin coming onto you and a dolphin kind of starting on you? Physically, like the dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I guess

Speaker 1 the massive dick.

Speaker 8 Like, is that a thing?

Speaker 1 Do they get directions? They get bonus, yeah. Do they? Yeah, yeah.
And they start, it affects their swimming like a rudder.

Speaker 8 Shut up. That cannot be true.

Speaker 1 They start going the wrong direction.

Speaker 1 They can't can't help it.

Speaker 8 They can't backwards and all. It's amazing.

Speaker 1 I'm going to read your menu to you now. See how you feel about it.

Speaker 1 You would like sparkling water. Yes.
You want loads of crisps before the meal. Potatoes, Banshee bones, wheelies, Pringles, hotlips, hunky doris, and a huge Pinot Grigio with all those crisps.

Speaker 1 Ice cold. Yeah.
Ice cold. Club sandwich with no bacon.

Speaker 1 A clue sandwich with another Pinot Grigio ice cold for your starter. Main course, you want a waffle, potato waffle boat full of two-minute noodles floating in

Speaker 1 a river of butter with a Goujon anchor and a Pringle sail and you would like to pair that with a negroni with some frozen hammer bone and Ferreira Roche in it. Delish.

Speaker 1 Side dish, coleslaw, which you will be blowing onto your plate using pull noodles.

Speaker 1 And you'll get ever in a round of tequila shots. Drink, you would like an espresso martini and you're going to pair that with another Pinot Grigio ice cold.

Speaker 1 Dessert is Tom Hardy, topless on a penny farving, with a sidecar of desserts, including macaroons, French fancies, gelato.

Speaker 1 You like choice, you want those different options there, proffita rolls, and chocolate biscuit cake. And then he swims away up the river.

Speaker 8 Sorry, Naba, but is that not a banging night out?

Speaker 1 I mean, it'd be a good night out. Yeah, come on, Nab.
A good night out. Yeah.
Definitely a memorable night out. Yeah.
I'd enjoy that.

Speaker 8 I mean, you couldn't with your diabetes. I could, I could give it a go.

Speaker 1 Could you? I could give it a go. I mean, do it.
And saying it would be a lot of admin. Yeah.

Speaker 1 People with diabetes can eat whatever they like thanksgiving you know my mother was well you don't know but don't you know so for my mother's there my mother was the head of the diabetic unit in uh hospital in in dublin really yeah she was a diabetic nurse

Speaker 1 yeah she's always testing the fact that i was thirsty exactly yeah yeah she did a cpr

Speaker 8 did you see the footage recently of the two of the rat giving the other rat cpr

Speaker 8 Did you see this? It was going around the internet.

Speaker 1 Swear to God, in a lab. It wasn't John.

Speaker 8 I swear to God. It wasn't Julian.

Speaker 1 He was just a It wasn't resuscitating.

Speaker 8 He pulled your man's tongue out of his mouth. Look, I shot a show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You're mad.

Speaker 1 A rat giving another rat CPR. Googled her.
He pulled the tongue out of its mouth. He pulled the tongue out of his mouth.

Speaker 1 It's come up from a

Speaker 1 sususcites rats. Benito.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm pretty sure he's Googling rat resuscitates rat. See, he has Googled it and it has come up with a scene from Dr.
Doolittle. Are you sure you haven't seen a scene from Dr.
Doolittle?

Speaker 1 I'm telling you. And you think it is

Speaker 1 a real thing? Resuscitates rats. Have you seen that video of the rat who can control the chef?

Speaker 1 That's crazy.

Speaker 8 I'm going to get this. I'm going to get this.

Speaker 8 And he pulls his tongue out of his mouth and all.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 To unblock his airway.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you. Oh, you're going to be sorry.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be sorry. I'll be very happy to see it.

Speaker 8 I read it on Science Weekly.

Speaker 1 Science Weekly. You can't just make up a newspaper.
But where is it then? Where's this video?

Speaker 8 Hold on a second. I'll get it.

Speaker 1 Bonita's found it, I think. Joanne's taken a while to find this video because she's got two phones for some reason.

Speaker 8 So, empathy.

Speaker 1 Okay, he's got it there. Yeah, look, there you go.
He's trying to fucking kill him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, for a start,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's a mouse. But it doesn't look like he is resuscitating it.
That is just that bit.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, maybe they are rats because they've just gone with mouse-to-mouse resuscitation, which you can't ignore that.

Speaker 8 But I mean, the animal isn't important.

Speaker 1 The point is that they are.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure that's trying to resuscitate it. I think we're putting it

Speaker 8 beyond.

Speaker 1 I think he's eating its tips.

Speaker 8 The scientist who made the meme

Speaker 1 is highly respected.

Speaker 1 Highly respected is Field.

Speaker 1 He says.

Speaker 8 He's resuscitating them. And I choose to believe in science, James.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true, actually. Why won't you believe the research, James? Do you know what I mean? Do the work.

Speaker 1 I think only if he did save its life, which obviously doesn't happen in the video, can you say it was trying to resuscitate it? Otherwise, I think it's eating its tongue.

Speaker 8 Well, there was something going on.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yes.
So

Speaker 1 that's a better lead-in. Have you seen that video with T-Rex where something's going on?

Speaker 1 Can we all agree something's going on here? Yes. Yes.
We can.

Speaker 8 He pulls his tongue out to unblock his airways.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. But is it to unblock its airways, or is it, I'm going to get this tongue, I can't wait to eat it.

Speaker 1 Pull that out the mouth and then it just gets stuck in it, gnawing the tongue off.

Speaker 8 If you can't trust the Daily Mail, who can you trust? So true.

Speaker 1 You know? So true. And on that note, thank you so much, Joanne, for coming to the Dream Restaurant.
Thank you, Joelle.

Speaker 1 What an episode, James.

Speaker 1 I feel pissed talking about booze that much. I feel absolutely hammered, man.
I'm going to be hungover tomorrow thanks to that chat.

Speaker 1 Joanne was absolutely great. Thank you so much to her for coming on.
And of course, she did not say pachine. The only alcohol that wasn't mentioned in the podcast.
I was ready. I thought, here we go.

Speaker 1 Oh, Benito just received an email for the Tom Hardy film Havok. There we go.
Netflix have let him know that it's on.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's free advertising there for netflix his film havoc is about when he got hired to ride on a penny farthing with the dessert trolley into joanne's restaurant yeah i mean i would watch that film yeah so would i um do go and see joanne on tour she is on tour now the show is called penophile and we know that she is that yes and it's gonna be a hilarious show get yourself along to it it's gonna sell out pretty quickly i'd say i believe so Thanks for a lovely series, of course.

Speaker 1 That was the last one in the series, James. Yes, thank you for, if you've listened to all the episodes, thank you.
If you haven't, I know that you're gonna go back and listen to them.

Speaker 1 You gotta, you gotta, you gotta catch them all, man.

Speaker 1 Uh, we've had some crazy guests on this series, of course. Uh, Goldblum, De Niro.
Yeah, who would have thought we'd be like going, oh, do you remember when we had Jeff Goldblum and Robert De Niro?

Speaker 1 When only you know, a series or so ago, we had like Hugh Davis. Uh, well, you're gonna have to remind me who that is.
Not familiar with that name. Oh, I don't really describe him.

Speaker 1 Yes, he's grumpy, sort of a fellow. Uh-huh.
Okay, it's not humor as such. Okay, I'll get it.
I'll get it. Hi, Huge.
Hello, huge.

Speaker 1 Are you going to put us in your little Instagram story now? Oh, I can't wait. Yeah.
Where you're sat on a train looking sad, and this is playing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's pretending you're upset, but you're getting loads of views out of this, aren't you? Oh, I hope you love the views, Huge.
I hope you delight in them. And this is cyberbullying, Bih.

Speaker 1 Goodbye. Goodbye.

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Speaker 1 And I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact.

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