Ep 296: Self Esteem (Live in London)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Surprise, bitches.

That's right.

We are not stopping releasing these brilliant live episodes from the London Palladium run.

Yes.

And this one was recorded on the 22nd of March, 2025.

And our guest for the evening was

Lucy Taylor.

Rebecca Lucy Taylor, aka self-esteem.

Yes.

And I just said the evening, but this is not true, actually.

This was an afternoon.

This was a matinee show, which was what a delight.

Yes, it truly was.

A podcast in the afternoon at the palladium.

Yeah, straight after lunch.

Yes.

Now, look, as always, there might be some callbacks for the first half that don't make sense, but it doesn't ruin it.

Don't worry.

It's going to be a laugh.

Don't worry.

We're cheeky boys.

We get away with it.

Yeah, excited, of course, to chat.

I mean, you know, we've chatted to her already.

Yeah, we've already talked to her, but we're excited to listen back.

I was excited, and I salam.

It was a lovely chat.

But as always, the audience helped us source a secret ingredient that if Rebecca said it, she would be kicked out of the dream restaurant, aka the London Palladium.

And this week, the secret ingredient is

self-esteemed bun.

Now, a dad came up with this.

We had a few dads come to the live shows, which we can't prevent from happening.

We can't stop that.

And this particular dad is like self-esteemed bun.

Self-esteemed.

So he's trying to say self-esteemed.

He's trying to get a pun going on that.

And we all agreed that if it was a steamed bun that Rebecca herself had

steamed, then we would count that as a self-esteemed bun and she'd be kicked out.

It's the sort of joke that I hate unless I've come up with it.

Yeah, I hate it, even if I've come up with it.

And then

it doesn't make me feel good.

It didn't make me feel good to hear it when the guy said it, but he'd also said some weird stuff before that, anyway.

Yeah, eating endangered animals, he wanted to eat endangered animals, this man, and have them all in little pies and eat penguin dicks.

Yes, I think we said the penguin dicks, actually.

You can't prove it, Ed.

This is the off-menu menu of self-esteem

live at the palladium.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, drinking the puddle of conversation.

Queuing up four individual times for the six-inch subway of humour

and never getting ill again.

That is their gamble.

My name is James A.

Catherine.

We own a dream restaurant.

And every single week we're inviting a guest and afternoon to favour Everstar, main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Self-Esteem!

The wonderful Rebecca Lucy Taylor is coming on to this stage to give us her dream menu.

We know what the secret ingredient is.

If she says it, she's out on her ear, James.

Out of the London Palladium.

That's the rule.

Is it out of the whole venue, is it?

Yeah, out of the London Palladium.

Kick, kick.

Even Rebecca Lucy Taylor out onto the streets.

Okay, that's going to be interesting if that happens.

I hope it doesn't happen.

I hope it doesn't happen, actually.

Because I think we've talked enough tonight, you and I.

I think we'd all like to hear the menu of Rebecca.

So should we get on with it?

Let's get on with it.

This is the off-menu menu of self-esteem.

Take a seat, Rebecca.

Let's talk through the t-shirt first of all because this is a surprise for us.

I haven't seen this.

It says off-men.

You?

Yeah, yeah, fantastic.

Do you mind if I sell this off my website?

Please.

Actually, do I give you no money at all because you guys make a lot more than me.

No, the set cost us quite a lot of money.

Yeah, no,

I actually really respect that you've got a set.

Thank you.

Because when I've done live podcasts before, they haven't fucking bothered me.

Well, we don't have many guests bothered making a t-shirt.

Well, there we go.

So I brought you something, though.

Oh, thank you.

So I have a song called Big Man about

men being good, right?

Because everyone likes to think I think men are bad.

And I don't.

Some of them are great.

Some of them go to the post office and pick up something that you've ordered.

You know what I mean?

But that's it, is it?

That's the no, no, this song.

So I have a song called Big Man that, you know, was a, wasn't a hit.

Quite a lot of caps left over.

Got a lot of caps left over, literally.

I quite literally dusted dust off them.

But I brought you the like metal

goffy one.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And I brought you the sort of like children's TV presentable.

Thank you.

I like it.

I do like the colours a lot.

I thought you would.

Yeah, thank you very much.

Me and you have got a similar sort of twee history, I think.

Do we?

Twee history.

I don't know for certain, but I just got a feeling me and you liked the same shit.

Maybe that's.

Bright Eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I've got one Bright Eyes album, but I did listen.

Did you masturbate a lot to Damien Rice's O, like I did?

I did listen to Damien Rice, so I went to see Damien Rice at the Shepherd's Bush Empire.

You shouldn't have done that at the Shepherd's Bush Empire, James.

I've never masturbated.

No, that tracks.

I thought I'd I'm generalising about you, but I was right.

You were right.

You got two, that's two artists that I listened to probably around the same time as well, those albums.

Similar age.

This is like the closest I'll come to visiting a a fortune teller and actually feeling well, all of that.

Shall I guess something else?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you use Aesop products?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Me too.

Do you like to guess some things about me, Rebecca?

You

watch a lot of YouTube.

Bang to rights.

You want to guess anything on my algorithm?

Like conspiracy theories.

They're not conspiracy theories, they're realities.

Anyway, hello.

Hello.

Everyone asked me when are you doing this podcast?

A lot and I thought I wasn't famous enough and lo and behold you were waiting for me to be the main event at the London Palladium on an afternoon.

Yeah,

damn right.

You're way more famous than a lot of people.

We've had people like Hugh Davis on this.

Poor Hugh Davis gets it in the fucking neck every week now.

This is the first time we've had an ice bucket on the stage with us no it's not it is susie bacon must have had one no i think she drank all her prosecco before she came on

my guy this is the first is a prosecco it's quite a nice prosecco i have um been drinking it

previous to arriving on the stage

i wondered where you were

no we were watching on the telly you were doing jokes bonito something

yeah thank you

yeah we're doing our little jokes you didn't hear the secret ingredient, did you?

I hope you didn't.

No, I genuinely didn't.

I didn't know for that.

I genuinely didn't because I had begun drinking the Prosecco.

I've had quite a lot of wee wee's.

And I was doing a wee wee when you decided on what that was.

How many wee wee's would you say per glass of Prosecco does it?

It becomes like 16, 17 minutes,

you know.

Every 16, 17 minutes you need.

It's a wee a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's good, right?

Is that healthy?

I don't know if it is.

No.

And I barely poo.

Ah.

It's a whole thing.

Yeah.

Anyway, my menu.

We've not done the.

I mean, the genie needs to make his entrance first of all.

Which is good, which is good because I was about to ask you how often you poo.

So, James, if you want to just pop behind the lamp, that would be great.

Thank you.

You can't.

This isn't your YouTube in now.

You can't type in all the questions that you love here if I know the answer to.

How often do women poo?

Search.

Did he go to Rada?

James?

Oh, Oh, fuck no.

Well, you...

No.

I didn't even go to university, mate.

You have been kept in.

I did a B-Test music course, and then that was it.

Music.

Oh.

Yeah, music.

Look at where it's landed me.

Look at where it's landed me.

Why do you think I went to Rada?

I didn't think you did.

I just wondered if you were a failed actor or not.

Failed actor?

You're talking to John the Mouse and Lars Penfield.

pinfield yeah i'm lars pinfield mate

oh sorry do all failed actors end up in the ghostbusters universe

i knew this would happen between us

yeah yeah uh now uh rebecca you're very welcome to rub the lamp or you can just oh there you go or you can imagine rubbing the lamp if you'd rather imagine it okay imagine rubbing the lamp We're imagining rubbing the lamp to the lights, people.

Oh, yeah, you're not making anybody, aren't they?

Woohoo!

Welcome, self-esteem, to the dream restaurant.

But it's going to give us some time.

There it is.

I kept my cap on.

I did the jump and the cap stayed on.

That's going to sell me four to five of those.

Thank you.

Good, good quality cap.

Good quality merch.

Genie, I wouldn't trust an actual genie wearing a cap.

Would you?

If a genie pops out of the lamp and he was wearing a baseball cap.

Yeah, I wouldn't.

I'd think, oh, hipster genie, fuck off.

Feel like he was on his day off or something wouldn't it yeah yeah B and Q yeah Boomie

what would he get what would the genie buy in B ⁇ Q?

I guess a lot of like polish for the lamp

He'd want to keep the lamp spicking span dusters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you much of a foodie Rebecca?

Yes, it's tough though.

Well, look, I'm a millennial woman who grew up with like heat magazine and whatnot.

So everything that passes my lips comes with a degree of stress which is so shit I'm not to make this serious but it genuinely but I I'm passionate it's heaven it's the best thing in the world isn't it and it's really sad for

I'll mention this a lot women

but yeah I get I'm stressed out by it but it's it's heaven so that's how I feel about food so what I mean staring down like you're you're at the start of the episode you've got to go for your dream menu Is it stressful or heavenly?

Both,

which is, you know, two things can be true at once, James.

Never truer words.

Would you like still or sparkling water?

Sparkling because I'm not a child.

What?

Nah, it's just exciting, isn't it?

Sparkling water.

Are you sparkling?

I like sparkling now and again, but I've never drunk still water and thought I'm being very childish today.

Yeah.

Pussyon.

I've seen

it.

Just straight down the hatch.

Yeah.

No, it's quite exhilarating when it's really cold.

Have you ever had, has anyone ever had Topo Chico?

Fuck me.

Chico himself is here.

It's Chico time.

It's phenomenal.

Like,

you know, it's difficult being in the UK.

But one of the reasons is they don't have Topo Chico.

They have it in America, and that's not worth going for, though.

I've never heard of topo chico.

It's just a really good water.

It's a really sparkling water, and it really like assaults your mouth.

And I really like it.

Yes.

Intense sparkles.

You can feel it.

You feel it, it's a shock.

It's unpleasant, but also like pleasant.

Two things can be true at once.

It's like the music that Ed likes.

System of a Dan.

Love System of a Down, of course I do.

I didn't realise this about you when we once did a Zoom podcast with like cameras off.

We did.

And then I found out you were a metalhead, and I was like, I'd have approached that differently had I known.

Had you known that I was a metalhead?

I don't know why.

What would you have done more?

Just one of the last ones I left.

In media, in mainstream media.

Anyway, whatever.

Go on.

So how would you have approached it?

Are you approaching this podcast differently now that you know Ed is such a metalhead in work?

I'm catering to it.

I gave him the grey black cat.

Yes.

Yeah, so already you're getting off to a different start.

I'm a Libra, I'm a giver, I'm an empath, you know?

That's very nice of you.

And do you feel better now, Ed, that you're...

I feel very metal now.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I've got my grey cap on.

Do you want anything in this water, or is it just as it is, sparkling?

Ice, loads of ice, and a wedge or two of lime.

Thank you very much.

Is that your favourite citrus fruit?

Have you had to rate the citrus fruits?

Yes.

Yeah, number one.

I keep wanting to ask you if it's yours, and that's probably bad podcast etiquette.

I would put Lime pretty high up on mine, I think.

Good.

I think Lime is number one.

Lime is number one all day long.

I think so too.

Would I sound like an awful prick if I brought Yuzu into the equation?

You would,

yeah.

You know, if we carried on guessing things about you, we'd have got there eventually.

I don't know.

Most metalheads don't like Yuzu.

They're a very mainstream band.

You two.

They like it before they got, yeah.

Yeah, try to put on you too.

That's good.

Sounds a bit like YouTube as well.

We could do something with that.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, we could have done a callback to him.

Yeah.

If only the audience weren't here, we could have vamped on YouTube.

Feel free to vamp

YouTube.

And also, I'm happy to make the catchphrase of this episode if only the audience weren't here.

Pop-doms on bed!

Pop-doms on bed, self-esteem.

Pop-doms on bed.

Made the jump.

I did it.

I made the jump.

She jumped.

That made sense.

She knew it was going to happen.

She still jumped.

Horrible.

Pop a doms, obviously.

Because

all the bits.

You get all the acoustic.

All the bits.

The best bit of a curry is the onion salad for me.

Someone just went, wrong.

That's funny.

They're going to be.

I'm cancelled.

That's it.

It's over.

Just say wrong out loud.

Wrong.

Move on.

You're wrong.

I love an onion salad loads.

I love an onion.

I could eat an onion like an apple.

Oh.

Get a grip.

I respect that.

Any sort of onion, or is there a specific white one?

A nice brown one.

Goddamn fly on the stage.

There is a fly on the stage.

That fly was here last night as well.

It was actually.

We don't know.

Julian Clarilles left his fly here.

Yeah.

Just pat fly on the stage.

The onion and the mango chutney, of course.

The nice yog, yog, yogurt.

And then recently, in the last few years, I've developed, you know, a tolerance for the lime pickle, which is

fucking sick.

Love it.

My best mate is in the house, Kelly Blanchard.

Give us a woo.

No, no.

No, just Kelly.

No, no, no, that was about five of you.

That's that's

I am Spartacus.

Seven right there is really enjoying doing it every time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, well, you fuck that.

She puts lime pickle on beans on toast.

Oh my gosh.

I bet that's nice.

So you can

beat beat her up if there's that extra out there.

But no, I find it delicious.

The thing is about, like, as you get older, your tongue dies, right?

Huh?

Have you not noticed?

I didn't know that.

Your tongue dies.

I think so, because of all the, you know, the ciggies and dicks.

Like, you.

Your tongue needs.

It's taking me back to my Damien Rice days.

The ciggies and dicks make your tongue die.

Well, don't you think?

And the booze and the.

Yeah.

So now I I need a jalapeno and everything.

You know what I mean, right?

I do add hot sauce.

But you didn't like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because our tongues are dying.

Yeah, I think.

Because we were born in the 80s.

And the ciggies and the dicks.

Yeah, and the ciggies and the dicks.

Where was I?

Yeah, so your tongue dies as you get older.

So things like lime pickles start to get really fucking nice.

Because your tongue's dead and it couldn't handle it before.

Yeah.

And now it's like, woo-hoo!

Is your tongue one of the things that keeps growing when you're older as well?

You know, like your,

is it your ears and your.

You're asking the wrong person in this room.

Is anyone a doctor?

I don't think it's your tongue.

I don't think you need to ask a doctor.

I don't think old people have really long tongues.

Do they?

But the ears grow, right?

Yeah, your ears and your nose, I think.

Ears and nose, but not your tongue.

That would be great.

Oh, your nose grown will be lovely.

Yeah, once my nose is a grown-up size.

My ears and my nose are absolutely tiny.

Oh, yeah, your ears as well.

if I have any glasses I'm fucked then not going to stay on my face well hopefully you'll be old enough to you know you can just keep them in place with your tongue

sorry I've got to read this

really good stuff you've ever so good you two

you're ever so good because I hate comedians

thank you for doing that

What comedians do you hate?

Can't talk about that.

Just a few.

I've had sex with so many of them.

Have you?

Well, that would lead me to believe you love comedians.

Yeah.

No.

No, no.

So, what is it next, my starter?

I haven't heard much.

I would have thought I'd have heard more gossip about that if you've been sleeping with loads of comedians.

Am I not in the cool gossip circles?

Well, James, of course we're not in the cool gossip circles.

Why don't people tell us when they sleep in pop stars?

People,

for a long time, a lot of people were invested in my love life, and I used I've had more than one text message saying you should go out with James Acast.

That's the answer to everyone's problems.

There's only one of me to go around, unfortunately.

I'm spoken for.

No,

you know, I wasn't thrilled to get the text message, but

more than once at a time in my life, people were like, because no one's funny.

Do you know what I mean?

And then people go, oh, do you know who's funny?

And got like, you know, his breathing.

Money.

Money.

Money.

Money and his breathing.

How much this set cost?

I don't know.

Bonito, put it on the screen.

On the screen, how much the set cost?

While we're waiting for that, Mildred's have started doing a lime pickle slaw.

And I wasn't, you know, I was a big fan of Mildred's and they went chain and it got less good, but some of the bits are still good.

This lime pickle slaw they've just just introduced is outstanding next level.

I absolutely love it.

And I just think I should shout it out while we're talking about lime pickle because I'm excited about it.

I thought about saying a few things I like

about.

Oh my god.

That is.

15k.

Are you shitting me?

You fucking shitting.

Get rid of it now.

We're not making any money on this shit.

15k.

That's what it's like being a pop star.

I'm fine.

What were you just saying?

Line pickle slaw.

Shouting out stuff you want for free.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like yard sale pizza.

Yeah.

Loads.

I'm not going to, it's not on my menu.

No, shout them out.

Let's shout the free stuff.

Marks and Spencer's food hall.

Yeah, food hall.

Really good.

There's one open near where I'm living, and it's truly become our plans.

Yeah.

So what we're going to do today, go to MS Food Hall.

What's your favourite thing in the MS Food Hall?

So the orange cordial.

Have you fucked with that?

No, I've not fucked with the M ⁇ S orange cordial.

But it's so bad.

I go through it really quickly.

Yeah.

How many wee we?

How many wee wee?

How many weeks?

And I've got like, I've got one of them big, you know, flasks to hydrate because I'm always trying to be more healthy than I am and I fill it with the orange cordial from M ⁇ S, which is counterintuitive.

I think people have taken hydration too far these days.

Tell me more, because I'm fed up of it.

It wasn't, it was never, I'd say last 10 years,

like people are like, you've got to hydrate, you've got to have a massive flask with you all the time.

If 10 years ago, people were drinking less water and they weren't walking around like big crisps or anything, were they?

My mum's never drunk water and she's still alive.

So

it looks awful.

What age were you?

Well, when they.

Did you say your parents divorced?

No.

Oh.

I said they look awful.

Oh.

But you thought I said divorced and you were laughing your head off.

That would have been.

If you just said my parents are divorced, that would have been funny.

Yeah, yeah.

I know where for no reason.

That is funny.

And they won't let me be on Taskmaster for a full season.

Yeah.

They're not divorced.

There's still time.

They could get divorced.

It'd be funny.

They need to learn their truth.

They've been together for a long time.

They've got three kids.

You know, we've all been moved out of the house for ages now, and they're still together.

So it'd be very funny if they set us all down and announced they're getting divorced.

Yeah.

I'd laugh.

Where are you in the three?

Top.

We're not talking in terms of bang balance.

Oldest.

Oldest of the three.

I wouldn't have thought that, would you?

You do.

You definitely have middle to youngest energy.

Yeah.

Middle.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, yeah, if you met us all as well, you would still think that.

Yeah.

You wouldn't go, he's the oldest one.

You would be like, oh, that's like the youngest one or the middle one or a child from a different marriage

who grew up as an only child and doesn't really know those other two.

Or a kid who they exclusively raised in the garden.

A garden kid.

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Obviously, there's loads of options, but I thought I would tell you about a sandwich from a shop in Sheffield called Brigatsy's, very Sheffield surname.

And I thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you about female,

some women, not all women, but some women have menstrual cycles.

Do you know anything about that, James?

No, but I'm willing to learn.

Well, that's what I thought I'd tell you about because you

famously, you know, it's when women are like moody

and

their tummies hurt.

But also, what no one talks about is the insatiable hunger, right?

Am I right?

Am I right?

It's like hell

because you're also trained to not ever want, you know, you're meant to not eat.

You know, the patriarchy has told you you're not meant to really eat anything.

And then at the worst time of the month, every month, like all you can think about is food, yeah.

And anyway, once upon a time, I was in that part of the month.

You've both been really serious about this because it's very difficult to know what to chip in with, Rebecca.

I don't know how it would come across if, throughout that, I was going,

Woo!

That's fine!

This is the problem.

You sat here going, this is fucking disgusting.

Gross, marvelous.

No, you really,

I feel like I'm going to be a real edgelord here.

I'm going to really, yeah, I'm going to spice things up.

And you've both been dead respectful and nice and listened.

But anyway,

I was in the studio because I'm a musician.

Don't know if you know about it all that.

And I was very hungry because I was very much day 28 of my cycle.

And

is that what the zombie film is about?

Is that what the zombie film is about?

The zombie film 28 days later is about.

Oh, I didn't even get that.

Yeah.

I thought I was like, what, the substance?

No, but if you know, if someone wants to give me a load of money to make that movie, I will.

28 Days Due One.

But yeah, truly it's hell.

Anyway, I was in the studio in Sheffield, Tesla Studio.

Shout out to David Glover, my good friend.

Oh, really?

Do you actually know him?

What a prick.

He went to Brigatzi as a bit of a walk, and because I was in such a fucking foul mood, I didn't go.

And he came and I, and when you go to an Italian sandwich shop and they say, what do you want?

Right?

You're like, oh, that sexy bread and then pesto, chicken, tomato, basil, done, right?

I assume.

Like, I'm quite basic.

And that's what I was expecting him to bring back.

And he got back and said, I just said, whatever you think, mate

to the man behind the counter.

And I was like,

I do love David Glover with all my heart, like he's some family to me.

But I was like, fuck you.

How dare you do this to me today?

But

it was a sandwich.

I think it was an olive tapignard.

Tapanard.

Tapan.

Tapanard.

Tapanhiad.

Tapanhi.

Tapanya.

Aubergine, like a grilled tofuk, aubergine

slop.

Chicken, some sort of salami,

cheese, rocket,

pesto on the top bit of the bread.

Nice.

And I took a bite and I'm not ashamed to say I shed tears.

And I shed tears because I

this is not even, I'm not even trying to be funny.

And I was like, oh, like you're alive.

And isn't being alive nice?

And part of being alive is that you get to eat this.

And oh, I've felt like mad connection to like the earth

during it.

Is it all right to have a sandwich as Miss Sarta?

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Especially when it made you shed a tear.

Yeah.

I genuinely cried.

Yeah.

And I don't think we've actually had, we've done a lot of episodes of this podcast.

I don't think we've had someone say about eating something and it's been like, oh, I'm alive.

And that means, but I've had those moments

where I've been eating something and you do think weirdly about your own mortality all of a sudden because this is so so good that you feel lucky to be alive and it's good to stop and appreciate those.

Goosebumps.

Regularly when I eat something that I've not eaten before, I get full goosebumps.

Oh, what?

All over my body.

First meal I had in a restaurant after COVID, went to the quality chop house and had to sit outside and there was like a...

a truck and a digger nearby working on the road the horrible setting and they they brought out the a steak and I took a bite at the steak and I was like oh my fucking god it's just the best moment of my life.

I'm alive.

What star sign are you?

I think you should guess.

What are you picking up from him that made you ask that question?

I just suddenly realised I wanted to know.

Okay, so you just weren't listening to me.

Fair enough.

What star sign is that?

Star sign is.

You're talking bollocks.

What's star sign?

Virgo?

No, not Virgo.

I'm out.

Why did you guess Virgo?

Because it's rocking.

Oh, yeah.

Because it's the bull.

Is it the bull?

No, it's Taurus.

Taurus.

No, I'm not a Taurus.

I'm Pisces.

The big wet fish.

Whoa.

Uh-oh.

What does that mean?

It just means you're going to be a vital part of the rest of my life.

Oh, excellent.

Great news.

My mum, my dad, my brother, my ex-girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend, my producer, oh, fucking Pisces.

All of them.

All ruined my life.

So, welcome, friend.

What are you going to do?

What are you?

Huh?

What are you?

I don't have a birthday.

No, I believe it.

I believe it.

Little garden boy.

Grew over a period of time on a tree and then dropped off.

There's no specific date that marks when I was born.

He puts one pebble in a pile every year.

I'm going to pour more Prosecco.

You must.

Yeah, go for it.

The flies back.

Don't clap that.

Yeah, always going to.

Yeah, it was always going to happen.

You've been far too gung-ho with that microphone.

Yeah.

Sorry, Charlie.

The first two shows of this run, James's game was kneeing the microphone into the air and seeing if he could catch it.

So he's already smashed the fuck out of that microphone.

How much do the microphones cost, Benito?

Can you put it on the screen?

It's about 15k, isn't it?

Welcome to being a pop star.

What's it was it like for catcher bread, this sandwich?

Yeah, but thin, yeah.

You know, so it's mainly square, like a sort of like

slightly thicker than an iPhone size, sort of, do you know what I mean?

You know the one.

Which generation iPhone?

Current.

Current.

Nice.

You've got the new one because

you like tech.

I don't have the new one.

I watch all my videos on my laptop.

I'm always blown away by people who watch YouTube on their phones.

They're not picking up on any of the details of the QAnon.

Your dream main course, because I'm going to get it away from Ed's opinions.

Your dream main course.

Well, after much deliberation,

Christmas dinner.

Someone over there wanted to have a drink.

Anyone else said that?

That guy

who stood up in the first half.

What did Stephen Graham say?

Stephen, I wasn't listening.

All I could think was.

I'm going to pummel him.

How is this still your attitude, Jobs?

If I ever see that guy again, he's dead.

So, because I'm like really anti-men and their aggression, when I listened to that podcast, yeah, I got really turned on.

You weren't the only one.

And some of us were in the room.

He's so fit.

I can't believe you met him.

Pocket rocket, man.

Like, fuck me.

Sexy.

I do like he came on to

talk a little bit about his current Netflix show, which is all about the problem of male violence.

And James went in going, I would have beat the fuck out of him.

It was perfect.

Really good podcasting.

When they tell me, you know, not to tug my tail, but everyone's always like, you should do a podcast.

And I say, until it's as good as Stephen Graham on Offmen, you're not going to do one.

You could get Stephen Graham, you could do a podcast with Stephen Graham, the two of you.

Do you think?

I can do it.

How much did it cost to get him on it?

Believe so, put it on the screen.

Get Stephen Graham on the podcast.

Christmas dinner.

Yes, of course, right?

I mean, it's a fantastic choice.

We have had Richard Osmond chose Christmas dinner, I believe.

He's my celebrity friend.

Is he?

He's one of the people who

suggested that I should go out with him.

didn't know he had said that

not as smart as he seems is he

he's good at formats you know yeah yeah but he's a smart man genuinely i this is genuinely the truth i he's who i ask for help with

in your love adults no no adult things well yeah but um just you know like um tacks and stuff

he's a really lovely man and he's been a little bit more than a man.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Self-esteem.

I'm like, can I ask for some?

Oh, God.

But then it's always nice to give men an opportunity to tell women things, isn't it?

You know what I mean?

We're not allowed to these days.

No, I know it, but that's what I mean.

When I say ask for help,

I know it's a gift.

Richard Osmond, Josie Long, Reese Shearsmith, and Nick Mohammed have all asked for Christmas dinners.

Josie Long, as well.

Yes.

You know, when you're watching the, my current male lover is an actor.

Yeah.

And we watch the telly and he goes, ah, Stephen, like, or, ah, Mark.

Because he knows them.

And I go, oh, Mark.

And then really emasculate him every time.

And I just did that then with Josie Long.

Josie, my friend, who I was once at a festival and once with.

We're going to need to talk through it though, because this Christmas dinner, of course, I think is going to be very different to the rest of the Christmas dinners that people have suggested.

Because everyone's got their own version of

everyone's got their own version of Christmas dinner, right?

They've all got their little twists.

Yes, well, I think

Janet and Andy, my parents,

I've had Christmas Day there every single year.

I've never gone anywhere else.

Wow.

Still, which is now like, I can't do anything else.

If I did, it would be enormous.

What would it take for you to have Christmas dinner somewhere else?

What if

your current male lover...

Nah, man.

Fuck him.

I've got to go Anston.

I'm from a place called Anston in Rotherham.

No whoops.

No whoops.

It's rare to get no whoops, I'll be honest with you.

More people know you're a producer.

But no, we just have, you know, turkey every single year.

It's MS turkey.

My mum goes, oh, it's quite moist this year.

My mum thinks it's the turkeys' fault whether or not it's moist.

Yeah.

And then we have sprouts.

How are they being prepared?

Just boiled.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boil the fuck out of them, fuck it.

And then, obviously, I have to gobble like 15 windies.

15 windies.

Windies?

Like a menu.

You're not familiar with.

Yeah, better than already, though.

Straight to the heart of the issue.

Oh, wow.

I thought, genuinely, that windies are what you call Brussels Sprouts.

I thought you were saying you have 15 windies.

Brussels sprouts.

Yeah,

I have about seven sprouts and 15 windies.

15 windies.

What's the total, Bonito?

And then,

long story long,

my mum and dad, well,

I had a nan and granddad who were the best, like, ever, kind of, you know, spent loads of time with them.

My nan was amazing at cooking and baking.

And every Christmas, and it's only at Christmas, would we have this thing that my family called gratin.

I think they meant gratin.

and uh, it was this stuff of legend, you couldn't wait, like, you literally couldn't wait for this gratin.

And as I got into my teens and stuff, and my late teens and 20s, we'd go and get really horribly pissed up on Christmas Eve at a pub called the Leeds Arms, and that was we were nowhere near Leeds.

Um, but you'd go, and I don't know if anyone relates, but like you've left school, but you go in and it's with everyone from school, and you want to look fit, you know, and impressive.

And it was, you know, a high-octane night.

Do you know what I mean?

Do you not go to the pub with your schoolmates?

No, I used to do that on Christmas Eve.

100%.

Used to do that, went through a period of about five years of doing that, get back about one in the morning on Christmas Day and eat half the food for the fridge.

This is where I'm going with this story because I would eat the gratin, cold,

pre-ovened.

Respect.

Cold.

And the thing is, like, I think, I don't know what you think, but like, I think I seem quite like hedonistic and like I do what I want, but I'm very well-behaved.

And that was one of the worst things I've ever done.

Did that?

Oh, so you've only done it once, and they woke up in the morning and were like,

it's just like sheer disappointment.

Anyway, anyway, anyway.

What's in the gruff?

Well, this is the thing.

I thought it was mystical, very important thing.

It's just like cheesy leeks.

Yeah.

That's good, though.

Yeah, with like bread crumbs crumbs on top.

Is it like a cheesy sauce, like a white sauce?

Yeah.

And you're eating that cold.

I did pre-cooked.

That's how pissed I was.

Yeah, all right.

Earlier, Ed showed full respect to a man in the audience who drinks the water from mozzarella pouches.

So he can't look down on you for this.

He's got to love this.

Does he?

I was listening.

He's a bad man.

Is he all right?

And he wanted to eat endangered animals as well.

And causes.

Yeah.

All right.

Nothing.

Would you not drink the mozzarella water?

I haven't yet, but if I was, you know.

If you're hammered and it was Christmas.

Is it another pandemic?

Yeah.

I might think about it.

God, it's good to think, isn't it?

Yeah.

My fingers crossed.

There'll be another pandemic in the middle.

I fucking loved it.

It was so good.

I talked to a comedian for the whole of the pandemic.

Did you?

Like, sexy, like, like all day, every day, propping the phone up, showering.

I was with my mum and dad, at my mum and dad's as well.

Yeah, he was my world.

You can't keep dangling these things in front of us and then not giving a name.

Lockdown lifted, and he was like, No, I don't want to meet

full mistakes.

That's all right, I'm fine with that.

Legend,

that's the way we're doing in this industry.

It literally is.

You're all so weird.

Yeah.

Shout out Hugh Dennis.

I'm racking my brains for someone funnier to say.

Gino DiCampo.

No.

No.

No, not Gino DeVo.

Oh, no.

Wait, who's the fella on Five Live?

Five Live.

Adrian Charles.

Adrian Charles, yeah.

Adrian Charles is who I'm thinking of.

Do you want to know something funny, though?

Today, I have a new song.

I have a song on my album called 69.

I don't know if you're familiar with that,

where I list sex positions and I sort of rate them and I say whether or not I want them.

And in the second verse, I say, if you beg, I will peg, right?

Only,

I don't love pegging.

It just is a good rhyme.

Yes.

But I woke up today, did the usual, you know, ignore my current male lover, go on my phone.

Eamon Holmes has liked your reel.

And I go, which reel?

Yeah.

Clickety click.

It's the reel I put out about three weeks ago where I say, if you beg, I will peg.

Eamon Holmes.

Eamon Holmes.

You dirty birdie.

Pay my mortgage, don't you know what I mean?

It's not.

I love that one.

Anyway,

I have to ask your dream side dish now.

There's more.

I mean, look, we've not talked about roast potatoes, you know.

I'm not a big potato head.

Okay.

But I am going to contradict myself with my side, but I'm not the biggest potato head in the world.

For me, it's gravy,

the cheesy sauce,

those tiny, little, little, tiny, little, little sausages.

This is all on the Christmas dinner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The tiny little sausages.

The turkey, but the turkey.

Stephen Graham.

The turkey with the cranberry sauce.

My mum and dad always get like

they call it stuffing, but it's like pork.

It's like sausage meat.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Is that right?

Yeah, but that's the best sort of thing.

I don't like the herby kind of right,

but like when it is just sausage meat, great.

I just love it.

And over the years, it's just become me, Janet, and Andy at the table.

And we spend, you know, plenty of time together as it is.

And then we just sit together again and eat this horribly huge meal.

And I immediately fall asleep.

Andy does the washing up.

And it's

lovely.

You know.

You said you wouldn't have guessed that I was the oldest of the three.

Are you an only child?

No, I've got an older brother, but you know.

You've got an older brother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, I wouldn't have thought you were the youngest.

We can talk about it off

stage.

Yeah, if you want.

Save all our conversations for after the podcast.

Is it the Christmas dinner your dream menu because of how amazing the Christmas dinner is or the fact that you have it with Janet and Andy every year and what it represents?

Two things can be true at once.

Like, it is, it is

because you made the turkey sound absolutely disgusting.

No, no, it's always fine.

That's the thing.

My mum will be like, oh,

oh, it's not good.

And I'm like, it's turkey is just a vehicle for the gravy and the

end else.

Is there a mum in history though who's ever put a Christmas dinner down and gone, it's fucking brilliant this year?

No, but you know, when I think about having children, that's the kind of mum I'll be.

So dream side dish dish for the because it's quite hard doing dream side dish for a Christmas dinner.

There's so much in there.

Well, what I don't get about off-menu is do you have to, you know, does it all have to make sense?

No, no, not at all.

Yeah, so I would get these chips, right?

Yeah, from this place called Tampa in Sheffield.

Yes.

Yes.

And it was the first place, you know, exposed brickwork.

flat whites

like it was the first hipster place that that came to us

and recently I went there and had these fries that were just groundbreaking.

And then the lovely waitress came over and I was like, what is on them?

And she said, chicken salt.

Oh, yes.

So the chicken salt fries from Tampa, Sheffield is what I would have as my side dish.

What is chicken salt?

Because you hear about it a lot and you taste it and you think, that salt tastes like chicken.

I think it must be.

you know when you get a pedicure

I think they give chickens pedicures and then they put it on the salt on the on the chips it's grated chicken delicious aren't I yeah it's not putting me off I put it chip in and I'm like

you know

you like suck off the chip and then let the chip go in yeah oh yeah if it's got yeah you know what you fucking know what I mean well and truly yeah you're from Northampton Yeah, Northampton, sheer.

Please.

Is that a Northampton and Sheffield thing, sucking a chip off?

Yeah, we have a competition every year.

Northampton versus Sheffield, sucking off chips.

Well, how do you think I met my best friend who has the lime pickle and her beans on toast?

She's from Corby.

Whoa!

Corby is the, they are the libels of Ketman.

They're here, are they?

Well, she's here.

Yeah, I kept her apart from you in my dressing room because I was worried about the tension.

Yeah, there'd be a lot of tension.

There's tension now.

I'm now on high alert.

Yeah, yeah.

She's in the room.

Didn't know there was a Corbarian in the room.

Disgusting.

Kelly, do you want to shout an insult to James A.

Custer?

Sheep shagger.

Sheep shagger.

Sheep shagger.

They do call us that.

Really?

Corby people call Keppin people sheep shaggers.

But

isn't that the normal sort of like thing people say about Welsh?

About Welsh people.

Yeah, yeah, but somehow.

My fellow sheep shaggers.

See you later on.

We can't.

We won't find many around London.

But I'll sort out a minibus for us all.

We can go.

So he's got money.

He can put a business.

I've got money.

I can get a bus together for me and my fellow sheep shaggers.

So why are people from Kettering Sheep Shaggers in the Army?

I still don't understand.

Maybe Kelly knows.

Kelly.

What makes him a sheep shagger?

I think they've just got more grass than us.

Well,

We do have more grass than us.

Yeah, we do have more grass.

Yeah, we're surrounded by fields.

That's the thing.

That's why there's so many privileged musicians, because they just had more opportunity.

That's what it is.

So we've got more opportunity, so then that's why we can shag more sheep.

That would suggest that if the people of Corby had more opportunity, they would be shagging more sheep.

Yeah, if I had more opportunity, I'd have been Mumford and Sons.

You know what I mean?

I went to school with them.

Same year.

No,

you're below me.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Two of them, two of them.

There's so much to talk about when we're not on

their new song.

Why are we saying constantly

we have so much to talk about when we're not in front of you guys

and you won't hear any of it?

How do you do a live podcast?

You constantly say, I'm going to say this.

I'm going to say stuff.

I'm hoping that everyone just keeps it among themselves.

I didn't know Mumford and Sons shack sheep.

Their new song is called Rushmere, which is the name of the pond which is opposite the school we went to.

And they called it Rushmere because they were like, that's where, because everyone used to hang out around the pond, and that's where they met and were chatting about forming a band, and that took them on this wonderful journey through music.

And Rushmere to me is where I tried poppers for the first time.

These chips sound incredible.

They were, they were, and they came to me in the time I needed them most.

Is that something you're going to tell us after the podcast?

I was just hungover.

Did they come with a dip of anything?

Well, this is the thing.

I'm a condiment head, right?

Ketchup, mustard, mustard before mayo.

Mustard before mayo.

I completely agree with you.

And when you get, you know, I do, I

don't, you know, the money I don't make in the music industry,

I don't know if I mentioned it,

I spend on things like

deliveroo burgers.

Like 40 quid, I'll just spunk on a burger and chips at 9.35 on a Wednesday.

And when they come with the old, you know, Marlowe's burger sauce stuff, I fucking love all that.

Yeah, I'm completely agree.

I'm in my fridge is like half is it?

What's your favorite?

I've got a lot of hot sauces in there at the moment.

But condiment-wise, I've got to say that Laugen Maher Krispy Chili Oil is my go-to.

Hang on.

Is that that?

Kelly?

Is that what you gave me?

Yeah, yeah, it's amazing.

It's incredible.

What is it?

It's what it's just got like the loads of chilies in it.

Some of them you can get peanuts in it.

It's like Sechuan peppercorns as well, I think.

And I can honestly, and I have done before, stand up in the kitchen and eat from that jar like it's a big yog.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, Kelly got it in me as a present once, and we recently cracked in, and it was quite stressful, actually.

Me and my current male lover were like,

We've got to go steady with this.

It's full-on, like, you, and you can put it on anything.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is good podcasting.

Ice cream, you put it on ice cream.

You could put it on ice cream 100%.

What's your favorite condiment?

I mean, genuinely, I think lime pickle is up there at the minute.

But the one that I've got the most of in the house because of all the takeaways is I order a lot of sushi on delivery.

Somebody's doing well.

Yeah.

I'm doing really well.

And

genuinely it's really inspiring

I might become a comedian because it looks easy

it's pretty easy very few overheads normally fucking Albanita yeah when we're not for no reason

forming massive clouds in the popadom that's a popadom no one even recognizes that

What those daisies are

a massive thing there people think it's the sun.

Yeah.

What are the daisies though?

They're daisies.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I don't think they are daisies, mate.

Honeycomb?

Oh, what?

The lights?

Yeah.

They're just lights, I think.

For what it's worth, I have more respect for you than I expected to have.

Oh, lovely.

Because of the set.

For what it's worth, I have the same amount I anticipated for you.

Loads based in fear.

Loads and loads.

Based in fear.

If you didn't, that you'd seem sexist.

Yes.

Yes.

James, we've interviewed a few people.

Do we think it's a good sign when they curl up into the fetal position?

Only if they're pissed.

I'm not pissed yet.

I'm like a massive, thick-blooded horse.

It takes me ages.

It's very expensive.

Honestly, all drugs, all alcohol.

Even like Neurofan, I have to have six.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Surely if you're a horse, though, the ketamine gets into your system.

I only did ketamine once, and it made me very hungry.

Which I thought, again, back to you know, I thought I don't need that.

Yeah,

that again.

Thank you, heat magazine.

Yeah, I think it's a good sign that we've got comfy chairs that you feel you can sit like that.

That we've provided you with a nice comfort.

I think you're overanalysing it.

I need a piss really bad.

Of course, every 16 minutes.

Do you want to go

over if you like?

Yeah, yeah, we'll fill your body.

Yeah, don't worry.

I don't want you being uncomfortable.

Yeah, yeah.

It's out this way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, go for it.

Kelly, do you want to come up and sit here?

Kelly, do you want to come and have a quick chat?

Kelly, just if you can fill in, please.

There we go.

Welcome, Kelly.

Hello, Kelly.

Kelly's here, everybody.

Hello, love to meet you.

Lovely to meet you, Kelly.

Take a seat, grab the microphone.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, Kelly.

You have a fish tattoo.

This is a food podcast, of course.

It's exciting to see an item of food on you.

Already, are you a fish fan or what is the tattoo?

Oh, can I guess your star sign?

I'd love you to.

Pisces?

No.

It's an anchovy.

It's an anchovy.

Well, that's what the tattooist said.

Great.

I just chose it from a wall.

Because it looked cool, not because you're a fish fan.

But I tell people I'm a fish fan.

Yeah, you got it, right?

You're like, oh, oh, I love fish.

It's not just because the tattoo has tricked me.

Yeah, I told a guy that it was an anchovy and he said to me, anchovies didn't exist.

What?

A man in a.

He was a chef.

Stay in the middle for me.

I told you that.

He said it was just a cut of another fish.

That is absolute horseshit.

Is that true?

No, it can't be true.

You get them whole.

It can't be.

It can't be that other fish have a full fish coming off of them.

I won't tell you what restaurant he works for.

You should tell us.

You should definitely tell me.

It's a gaslighting skin.

I'm too scared.

You should tell us.

I want to speak to this guy.

I want to speak to this guy.

I can tell you after the podcast.

Oh, fuck it.

Absolutely fantastic.

Kelly, everybody.

Welcome.

Thank you, Kelly.

Nailed it.

Kelly of Unnatural.

She's funnier than me, isn't she?

She's great.

She's wonderful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good.

Now seems like an appropriate time to ask.

Dream drink.

Just would you come back to that?

I'd love more.

No, um,

well, okay, so not alcoholic.

Okay.

Um, a full-fat Coca-Cola.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fully.

Hits the spot.

This is just like the best thing ever.

The best joke on Peep Show is when Jeremy orders

a 50 pound bottle of wine and it's like, fuck.

And then he sips it and goes, yeah, it's nice.

I mean, it's not Coca-Cola, but it's like, that's exactly how I feel.

It's just delicious, right?

No, I'm not a fan of the full-fat Coca-Cola.

Fuck off.

To me, if it's from a can, it always tastes like the metal of the can, and I don't know why.

Get a grim.

But you love metal.

I do love metal.

But also, I think it's because I'm type one diabetic.

And full-fat Coca-Cola is essentially like holding a grenade.

You got diabetes.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I can keep it under my hat a lot.

Trying to think, we had a guest who also quoted that part of Peep Show, which I'm always glad when people do, because it really sticks in my head as well.

It's a lovely.

And I even think, I'm not sure about if I've got this right, that that episode is set in Ketterin as well.

There's an episode of Peep Show where they go to Ketrin and we were all very excited in Ketterin.

That there was an episode set in Ketrin and the kind of butt of the joke, the whole series, the whole episode, the joke was

there in Kepmin.

And it's rubbish.

But

yeah, someone, I really want to remember who else said it because a guest came on and referenced it.

And maybe

Benito put on the screen whatever guest referenced that line in Peep show.

He's not going to know.

He's going to be back there looking at his spreadsheet.

His fucking head's going to be popping up.

He's going to be a comedian.

I fucked.

And we watched it at the same time.

He says, I don't know that, obviously, on the screen.

Phil Dunster said it.

Oh, there you go.

We got someone who probably remembers it.

Phil Dunster from Ted Lasso.

I haven't checked him.

You know Ted Lasso?

No, but I auditioned for it.

I got quite close to a part and I was like, here we go.

I'm an actress.

And I didn't get it.

That's exciting.

What part was it?

Some lesbian in the second season.

I don't remember what character that would be.

Probably went to Anne-Marie.

She gets everything I don't, yeah.

Are you having it in the can and it tastes like metal?

Or are you going to have it in the glass bottle?

Can can, can, can, can.

Can all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ice cold?

Ice cold, can.

Beautiful.

And then alcohol, I like a thin rimmed glass

of dry white wine with at least four ice cubes in it because I'm a heathen.

The girlies know.

And you need to.

You can't tar all girlies with that brush.

You're an absolute heathen.

You fucking can.

And we all need our phones taken off us when we've had three of them.

I call it mad juice.

Yeah.

Let's go mad.

Let's get wild.

See, this is good.

This is a good opportunity for you, I think, to launch a launch your own wine called Mad Juice.

Fucking hell, I'd love to.

There's a song on my new album, though, where I talk about my sort of love-hate relationship with alcohol.

She laughed.

So I think all the alcohol sponsorships are going to stop after my album comes out.

Some of the really irresponsible companies might get on board.

Well, genuinely, I was like,

they're always like, drink-a-wear.

And I'm like, well, I've literally written a song saying, just don't drink too much, eh?

Yeah.

Be like the Barbie movie.

They basically slagged off Barbie in it and celebrated it at the same time.

Mattel absolutely loved that.

I'd love to do that with alcohol.

I'd love the Barbie movie money.

You are obsessed with money.

You would be too if your parents weren't rich.

They're not.

I am.

You did it, baby.

My parents are old and penniless.

And you've already said they look horrible.

They look like shit.

I didn't even go to university.

Trying to guess where I went to university?

Loughborough.

Do I look like I did sports science?

Do you actually want me to guess?

Nah, Durham.

Buff!

Yeah.

What did you do?

Philosophy?

Buff!

That's what I shouted when I picked up my degree.

Buff!

Buff!

What did you get?

2-1.

2-1!

Biff!

Fucking hell.

My ex is doing a philosophy

PhD.

It's taken her ages.

It would take ages.

The BA is the classic three years, and I really didn't read any of the stuff I was supposed to.

Who's your favourite?

Oh.

Who's my favorite philosopher?

I don't know this about you.

This is exciting.

I don't know who your favourite philosopher is.

My favourite modern philosopher is Chris Martin from Coldplay.

I'm mine.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

All right.

Kierkegaard.

Kierkegaard.

Just want everyone to know I do know some philosophers.

She loves it.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What who's that?

Danish.

It's Stoic.

I think.

Is he a Stoic?

Is he a Stoic?

I can't remember that.

A lot of good religious stuff, anyway.

Yeah, I love that.

Dream dessert.

Now.

It's very specific.

It's very pacific.

Are you familiar with the works of Mr.

Rudyard Kipling?

Yes.

Hang on.

Oh, let's see.

Okay.

Please, carry on, Rebecca.

He does this thing called a cherry bake quilt.

Okay.

And

they come in sixes.

Yeah.

And you'd think I would have four of them,

but I have six of them

in a bowl.

Decant them from their little silver coats.

This is good.

This is good.

Put them in the microwave for

no one was expecting that.

I was going to say 80 seconds, but what I meant was under a minute.

Both things can be true.

Philosophy.

So, like 40 seconds.

You're very nimble.

Yeah.

Not nimble enough to get this goddamn fly.

The guy grew up in the garden.

He had to be nimble.

Oh, yeah.

Fair, fair, fair, fair.

Especially during the winter.

When the robins were up.

Barry in all my food.

Anyway, you put them in the microwave briefly.

Custard on the hob, though, in a pan.

Ideally, these days, since, you know, Six Music played me loads, I get the vanilla pod.

Yeah, you know, finest.

Custard with black bits in.

Custard with black bits in.

Almost all of the pot of custard.

And that's my favourite dessert.

Great.

This is great.

What's wrong with that?

No, that is delicious.

I was going to really back you on that, actually.

I think that is fantastic.

Is it custard from a particular place?

Just, yeah, I like Tesco or Sainsbury's.

Finest.

A good, like, £4.50.

Do you know what I I mean?

Yeah, nice proper custard.

And how did you just...

Because this sounds good, a dessert you invented.

No, it's genuinely from childhood.

Like,

my mum and dad would do.

We'd have Sunday, we would have Sunday dinner, and then it would be like a dessert in a silver jacket, you know?

And it was different types of dessert.

Always buy Mr.

Rudyard Kipling?

Yes.

Every time.

So there's always be a Rudyard Kipling.

Well, why would you deviate from perfection?

Well, exactly.

Tell me a Rudyard Kipling dessert you wouldn't eat.

You can't.

Benito, can you put the full catalogue of

Rudyard Kipling desserts

on the screen, please?

No, I can't.

I can't tell you.

Can you?

No, I don't.

I mean, Rudyard Kipling means a lot to me.

When me and my wife first met, we're like...

hanging out for a long time.

We just used to sit in the house and rot and just eat loads of mini battenbergs.

And just

this is mad.

like watching her eat mini battenbergs she's peel the the icing and the marzipan off eat that first and then eat then eat the cake just straight in like a like a beaver chewing a log

i can see why you married her yeah

but one day i'm gonna marry that marzipan beaver

how long you've been married uh since 2021 but they've been together for like loads 30 years oh you're one of them are you yeah young

big wife guy wife guy yeah love that.

Anything to add?

I think it's a nice relationship.

No, no, no.

Can you remember when Kelly came up?

You weren't here for that.

Did you hear what we were talking to Kelly about?

No.

Can you guess?

It was probably Corby-related Nero.

She listed all the comedians you've shown.

And she knows them all.

Yeah, the audience.

The keeper of my secrets.

Yeah.

What will you do with the silver little jackets afterwards, by the way?

Are you rolling them out?

So, genuinely, I would make, because from childhood, I was a big Barbie head.

My current male lover

is really good-looking and tall.

Great.

He has like nine abs.

Fantastic.

And I call him.

That's weird, though, isn't it?

Nine.

No, I mean,

I'd want there to be an even number.

You know what?

Ten.

Ten.

He's got ten.

The tenth ones on the way.

He eats like so much food and nothing happens to him.

Yeah.

Six sausages a day.

Wow.

Honestly.

Nothing green passes his lips.

Anyway.

Are you sure that the abs aren't just sausages?

They might be tumours.

I call him my Barbie

because I like dressing him up in clothes.

That's nice.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

I don't think it matters.

I think that's all the information we need.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What happens to the little jackets?

I think.

That was it.

So Barbies.

I loved Barbies.

And I used to make little, you know, those hats, millennial women in the house, raise up.

You'd make those hats that came up at the front with like a

rose on, blossom hat.

So I'd make little blossom hats for all my Barbies with them.

With the

little silver jackets?

Quite easy to do, and I still do it to this day.

Lovely.

Yeah,

his head's too big for it.

It'd be funny if he had a tiny head after the rest of the description of him.

All the emasculation has shrunk his head.

Really tall, eight abs and a tiny head.

Magazine.

Great thing is his tongue will always keep growing.

Yeah.

I've had a right laugh here.

I really have.

So I love the sound of this dessert.

I think it sounds great.

I'm going to meet your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

You would like topo chico, sparkling water with lots of ice and a wedge of lime.

Poppadoms with all the bits, onion, salad, mango, chutney, yogurt, and lime pickle.

Starter, olive tapanard, grilled aubergine, chicken salami, cheese rocket, and pesto sandwich from Brigazzis in Sheffield.

Main course, Christmas dinner.

That's M ⁇ S turkey, sprouts, leek gratin, gravy, cheese sauce, tiny little sausages, cranberry sauce, and stuffing with Janet and Andy.

Side dish.

Sorry that stuffing was last.

Stuffing with Janet and Andy.

Stuffing with Janet and Andy.

That was out of my hands, that one that

was written in order

of what you said, I guess.

Yeah.

That's not an ideal, I'm apologising.

Side dish, chips with chicken salt from Tampa in Sheffield.

Drink.

Ice cold can of full fat Coca-Cola, thin-rimmed glass of dry white wine with at least four ice cubes.

Dessert, six Mr.

Rudyard Kipling cherry bakewells in a bowl, microwave briefly, pop heated with the finest of custards.

That is the off-menu menu of self-esteem.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, we're going to do a photo in front of the stage, which will be the photo we put out on Internet.

It'll be in the lobby.

Is it okay to put my arms around you?

Of course.

No.

Give it up for the brilliant Self-Esteem.

Rebecca, Lucy, Taylor.

Hi, everybody.

Thank you very much for coming, guys.

You're a fantastic audience.

This evening, Tsuma.

Have a lovely evening.

Well, there we are, James.

So, Self-Esteem at the London Palladium.

Fantastic.

Fantastic episode.

Thank you so much, Rebecca, for coming on on the podcast.

Thank you to the audience as well for being there.

And Self-Esteem's new album, A Complicated Woman, is out now and she's on tour across the UK and Ireland in September and October 2025.

So go to self-esteem.love for dates and tickets.

And a reminder, we are back being live, boys, because we are bringing Off Menu Live, the tasting menus, to the Royal Abbott Hall in London in March 2026.

Go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets.

Bye.

Bait.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7 pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.