Best of 2024: Live

Speaker 2 James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 5 Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

Speaker 6 I have.

Speaker 2 We've done live shows there.

Speaker 6 And guess what?

Speaker 2 We're doing more live shows there next year. Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.
But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Speaker 6 Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

Speaker 2 The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March. It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.
Those shows have been a lot of fun.

Speaker 2 We cannot wait to do them live.

Speaker 6 Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

Speaker 2 You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

Speaker 7 If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Speaker 6 Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

Speaker 2 And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

Speaker 6 So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

Speaker 8 The day in between is for reflecting.

Speaker 6 Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk

Speaker 1 well weren't expecting to see us, were you?

Speaker 6 We couldn't do the best of episodes and not include any of the 15 live episodes we put out this year.

Speaker 1 We took off menu on tour in 2023 and released all of the episodes for you to hear this year.

Speaker 3 The shows were largely absolute chaos.

Speaker 11 Congratulations on those live shows.

Speaker 14 Congratulations on the live shares to yourself.

Speaker 13 They really were live shares.

Speaker 13 So fucking hell.

Speaker 15 It's the end of the year, guys.

Speaker 3 Some guests were absolutely at it right from the get-go.

Speaker 6 Let's hear from Frankie Boyle, Jamelia, Amelia de Moldenberg, and Sam Campbell.

Speaker 17 Are you a foodie, Frankie?

Speaker 14 Do you like food?

Speaker 18 I love food and I think about little else but food.

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 18 But I wouldn't really call myself a foodie because I think to be a foodie, you have to enjoy finer delicacies.

Speaker 19 I have quite plain tastes.

Speaker 18 You know, I can't eat something like oysters, which is basically just licking cum off the back of a tortoise.

Speaker 22 You know, somehow that doesn't put me off oysters.

Speaker 26 If I went to a really fancy restaurant, if I went to like Noma in Copenhagen, like they're doing wild stuff, and they brought me out a tortoise, and they went, there's a cum on the back of that, I'd go, yeah, give it a go.

Speaker 28 People like, there will be soon.

Speaker 29 I don't know why we've gone so low, swearly.

Speaker 32 And I'd say we.

Speaker 36 Is it

Speaker 36 the tortoise has come

Speaker 40 or has another animal taste it and see, Ginny?

Speaker 26 It'd be very impressive a tortoise could come on their own back.

Speaker 18 It's also the texture of an oyster, isn't it? You don't.

Speaker 18 Unless your favourite texture is a corpse's clitoris.

Speaker 42 But there are other foods I like.

Speaker 44 What a way to find out that's my favorite texture.

Speaker 46 It's probably the best way to find that out.

Speaker 32 We always start with still a sparkling water.

Speaker 17 Still a sparkling water, thank you.

Speaker 49 What are you going to compare these?

Speaker 18 Are we really moving straight into still and sparkling water? Are you now just terrified and you're going to huckle me off? Huckle means to move someone.

Speaker 52 I do actually need to be told this.

Speaker 53 I don't want to ever happen.

Speaker 18 There's sort of like there are some Scottish expressions that there aren't any

Speaker 18 real translation for, other like let's let someone being at it.

Speaker 55 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 18 You can't really explain to an English person what that is without like Captain Tom's family are at it.

Speaker 56 No idea.

Speaker 57 Obviously, you know who Captain Tom is.

Speaker 58 Yeah, but you know his family are at it, right?

Speaker 32 You never knew his family were at it.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 60 If they were on now, we'd huckle them off for sure.

Speaker 61 What are you doing, James? Huh?

Speaker 62 What are you doing? Yeah, sorry. Thank you.

Speaker 46 We do not want James here. We need the genie here.

Speaker 1 Everyone, imagine. Imagine you're rubbing it.

Speaker 61 Welcome, Jamilia, to the Dream Vest Robinson's been with you for some time.

Speaker 17 Thank you.

Speaker 54 That's a big entrance to follow up.

Speaker 64 It was a bit rubbish for me because I could see him crouching there.

Speaker 50 Sorry. That didn't happen.

Speaker 17 That never happened.

Speaker 65 Jamili's lying.

Speaker 66 We've got a lion on the pod. It's a real shame.

Speaker 67 That would be a terrible genie.

Speaker 69 If you got a lamp and you opened it up and you could see him just in there like that.

Speaker 58 That would be less magical, wouldn't it?

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 71 That's quite demeaning for the poor genie, actually.

Speaker 66 That's why you should rub it first.

Speaker 62 Jamili just did a face that suggested: what sort of podcast have I come on?

Speaker 64 The best podcast in the nation.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 76 One off.

Speaker 77 Sorry.

Speaker 50 Sorry.

Speaker 78 We got

Speaker 78 Slame Eliad.

Speaker 35 We got Jam Slammed.

Speaker 40 Early Doors.

Speaker 79 I didn't know we were jamming and slamming, didn't I?

Speaker 79 Don't you apologise, Jamelia.

Speaker 51 That is the perfect response to that.

Speaker 66 Yeah, you got us, man. What are the other good podcasts? You got any favourites?

Speaker 38 I mean, mean, we don't normally do shout-outs to other podcasts.

Speaker 64 The only podcast I listen to is the Off-Menu podcast.

Speaker 6 And judging by the chat we had before you came out here,

Speaker 26 you listened to it for the first time in the car on the way here.

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 26 I said I was like doing research.

Speaker 64 I wanted to make sure. Because you usually have comedians on, so I was like, oh, what could be a funny answer to that? But now I'm just going to answer, honestly.

Speaker 55 you don't need to think of a funny answer you've come straight out here and slammed us into hell

Speaker 26 you've got this Jamilia

Speaker 66 also you're a fan of our work in general aren't you Jamilia you saw us on on TV you were saying to us backstage and then you said actually no I'll save it for when we're on stage but you weren't gonna compliment us I think

Speaker 76 I feel like we're starting off on the wrong foot now.

Speaker 64 So basically what I told them in the dressing room was that I watched them on Haunted and I was very annoyed

Speaker 64 because they weren't playing the game properly. They were messing about.

Speaker 74 That was Jaminglia's first words to us.

Speaker 85 Was

Speaker 67 I saw you on Celebrity Hunted and we were like, here we go.

Speaker 58 She went, I actually found you quite annoying.

Speaker 86 I really did.

Speaker 64 But I was really excited when I got asked to do this. I was like, oh, okay.

Speaker 50 That should be fun.

Speaker 64 Because you are funny. So I thought, and I like to laugh.

Speaker 87 So, oh my God, shall I go home?

Speaker 33 Oh, my God.

Speaker 62 What was it on...

Speaker 88 Sorry to dwell on this.

Speaker 88 What was it that we did on Celebrity Hunter that you found particularly annoying?

Speaker 38 We tried our best on that.

Speaker 64 I just don't think you did.

Speaker 64 You just kept doing like silly things like letting everyone see where you were telling people where you were like you're supposed to be hiding it's like a hide and seek but you were like we're here

Speaker 79 it's the last thing they'll expect yeah they're trying to catch you if you keep saying here we are we're here and showing them your face they're gonna go it can't be that easy and they leave you alone That was our thinking.

Speaker 64 Yeah, and then you shot them with we?

Speaker 91 No, no, I shot them with water, but I told them it it was piss.

Speaker 38 More mind games, Jamina.

Speaker 79 You got to do this when you're on the run.

Speaker 69 And what we found is the best way to live your life is to anger ex-cops and military men by telling them that you're spraying them with piss.

Speaker 26 Because then they really rough you up quite a lot.

Speaker 69 So you don't even get the pleasure of actually shooting them with piss and you still get beaten up.

Speaker 38 Yeah, they didn't like us at all when we did that to them, to be fair.

Speaker 27 No.

Speaker 65 But in general, I thought we did really well on Hunted.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 17 We were in Birmingham for Hunted?

Speaker 96 Yeah,

Speaker 47 we came straight to Birmingham.

Speaker 62 Straight here.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Straight here.

Speaker 64 Yes, because I remember I recognised where you were.

Speaker 32 Yeah. I was like, in that town.
Because you were in town?

Speaker 32 Yeah?

Speaker 72 Yeah, maybe that's not good if people don't recognise where we are actually.

Speaker 38 Hearing that out loud.

Speaker 66 We came and we instantly got Tiger Bites Pig Bow Buns when we got

Speaker 36 on the run.

Speaker 99 That was our first, well that wasn't our first food on the run.

Speaker 72 We immediately went to a Michelin-style restaurant and had a meal.

Speaker 88 That was in Truth.

Speaker 44 But we did quite a lot before Togo Boats made.

Speaker 100 Yes.

Speaker 101 Again, we're not there now.

Speaker 44 And then we went to Birmingham.

Speaker 79 You threw your shoes out the window on the way there.

Speaker 69 I had to give you a piggyback through some of Birmingham's streets because it was covered in glass and needles.

Speaker 102 Was that Broad Street?

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 93 And then James bought a wig,

Speaker 20 bright pink wig. Yeah, yes.

Speaker 66 Yeah, which bear in mind, mind, Jamilia, I don't normally have bright pink hair.

Speaker 50 Can you see why I was annoyed?

Speaker 66 What would you do if you were on the run and you were being hunted?

Speaker 66 What would be your first course of action, you reckon?

Speaker 64 Well, obviously, like I wouldn't use any cards, I wouldn't use my social media, I wouldn't like turn up at a famous restaurant.

Speaker 64 Sorry, I'm not shading you, but like, I just wouldn't do everything that you guys did.

Speaker 29 So we served a purpose, in a way, for...

Speaker 64 Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 62 Yeah. You're foodie?

Speaker 23 Are you a foodie?

Speaker 64 Is this going well or really bad?

Speaker 61 I'm not sure.

Speaker 61 Every time you say anything, everyone pisses themselves laughing.

Speaker 69 So I think it's going well, and it's at our expense as well.

Speaker 93 So from our perspective, we feel like shit, but you're really bringing it.

Speaker 38 I'm loving it, Jamina.

Speaker 79 This is how most people treat me all the time.

Speaker 32 It feels great.

Speaker 64 I'm sorry, because I'm really excited to be here, Jimina.

Speaker 52 We're very excited to have you.

Speaker 104 Yes, we are.

Speaker 64 Especially with this backdrop, it's wicked.

Speaker 47 The set's mad, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 97 It feels

Speaker 62 unnecessary.

Speaker 74 Once we sat down to have a chat with you, it just, yeah, it does not feel necessary at all, does it?

Speaker 64 What was the vibe that you told the designers?

Speaker 64 Yeah,

Speaker 106 here she comes again.

Speaker 38 Slam jam, baby.

Speaker 47 Slam jam.

Speaker 38 We basically said, just do as many fart clowns as possible.

Speaker 108 It's about food.

Speaker 48 There's a poppadom behind us, a popadom there?

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Yeah. Were you wondering what that was?

Speaker 68 About half the audience went, oh.

Speaker 21 Oh Jesus, how much would that cost Bonita?

Speaker 50 Sorry.

Speaker 64 I thought it was the moon, but okay.

Speaker 62 I think it's the moon, Matt.

Speaker 66 You guys know that that's a lamp, right?

Speaker 66 Because I did a whole whole thing with that a minute ago, and that's embarrassing if not.

Speaker 84 You're a food eater, Melia.

Speaker 64 I really am, like in every way. Like, yeah, scarily so.

Speaker 64 No, not scarily so.

Speaker 35 Everybody likes food, don't they?

Speaker 62 Yeah, most people do, for sure.

Speaker 64 Well, you definitely do.

Speaker 64 Come to a podcast about food. Like, come on.

Speaker 57 Urea.

Speaker 64 But, yeah, I'm sorry, sorry.

Speaker 97 No, good on you.

Speaker 112 Hey, literally,

Speaker 66 if you do get scared of food, you're in the wrong show, motherfuckers.

Speaker 64 I feel like I'm being really rude. I'm not a rude person at all.

Speaker 32 No, you're not.

Speaker 66 I know you didn't catch the entirely the first half, but I called one man a cunt three times.

Speaker 116 Oh, no!

Speaker 65 You're not being rude.

Speaker 97 Okay.

Speaker 32 You're alright.

Speaker 38 You're alright.

Speaker 117 You're the height of manners compared to what they have to tolerate

Speaker 57 at the start of the evening.

Speaker 97 And you're right.

Speaker 106 These people love food.

Speaker 60 For example, there's a woman over there who regularly drinks soy sauce.

Speaker 118 Drinks?

Speaker 118 Yep.

Speaker 88 Swigs out of the bottle while she's cooking to trick herself into thinking it's normal.

Speaker 84 It's not.

Speaker 17 You just got slammelier.

Speaker 17 Jam-slammed.

Speaker 79 I commissioned this TV show.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 71 There's an audience with Jameelia, but she just slams everyone.

Speaker 68 And then looks really guilty about it immediately afterwards.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Who's got a funny quirk?

Speaker 57 I think soy sauce.

Speaker 83 I think it's normal. It's not.

Speaker 62 Applause.

Speaker 48 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 38 I feel awful. I slammed

Speaker 38 like slammed people. I'm trying to stop slamming people.

Speaker 26 Do you do you cook as well, Jamelia?

Speaker 64 I love cooking. I recently got to the final, well, final five, but you're still the final of MasterChef.

Speaker 29 I saw it.

Speaker 64 I will mention that a few times.

Speaker 30 That's fine.

Speaker 47 I watch it.

Speaker 31 I actually find it quite annoying on that.

Speaker 31 Me too.

Speaker 66 Now, this seems like a bit of a redundant question because obviously

Speaker 53 you work with food, but are you a foodie?

Speaker 64 What? Because, oh, well.

Speaker 122 Well, we always ask people if their foodies, but I feel like it's rude when someone does like chicken shop dates and their mum's saying, are you a foodie?

Speaker 64 Well, it does make sense, you know, having a dating show in a chicken shop that I would be a really, really big foodie.

Speaker 85 And you did a cookie show as well, right?

Speaker 64 Oh, yeah, I did a cooking show, yeah, but I can't cook. I'm not a foodie, sorry.

Speaker 64 Hey, don't say sorry this is great we've had loads of non-foodies on the pod yeah i'm not a foodie i eat i've eaten food but

Speaker 124 um not a foodie how often like three times a day what about you yeah three times a day yeah yeah cool yeah yeah

Speaker 96 six seven oh whoa

Speaker 126 crazy he is pretty crazy guy yeah i'm a crazy guy i've got a real problem

Speaker 127 When you met Ed, did you think he was crazy? Yeah.

Speaker 64 That guy is crazy. Cool tattoos.

Speaker 128 Thank you very much, Amelia.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 74 Would you like me to take you through them?

Speaker 64 No.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 129 Absolutely.

Speaker 130 Fair enough.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 57 If you had to get

Speaker 71 an item of food tattoo.

Speaker 64 No, I don't want to.

Speaker 131 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 64 I'm tattooeless.

Speaker 108 But if you had to. No.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 124 No.

Speaker 53 If you just for the sake of info. No.

Speaker 34 You?

Speaker 79 A big tub of ice cream, probably.

Speaker 57 Oh, yeah, a big tub of ice cream.

Speaker 125 Where?

Speaker 125 Oh,

Speaker 57 there's a full body tap

Speaker 38 for my

Speaker 35 waist

Speaker 62 to just throw it just here.

Speaker 116 So you wouldn't go and see it if I was wearing the top.

Speaker 57 There'd be a surprise. Wow.

Speaker 64 Do you have a girlfriend right now?

Speaker 122 I did have going into this podcast. Yes.

Speaker 89 Yeah, I was going to say

Speaker 89 that.

Speaker 122 She's made fun of her accent many times on stage and just suddenly get a full body tap of a tub of ice cream.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 62 What flavour would you get?

Speaker 121 I guess I would maybe just want the ice cream tub to say my name on it.

Speaker 113 Okay, in case you forget your name.

Speaker 66 Just James Acaster on the cup of ice cream, yeah.

Speaker 23 Tasty.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 133 What are you on about?

Speaker 39 Well, I want it to be personalised, you know, so I think I would like have it that like it's a big tub of ice cream and it's a spoon in it and stuff.

Speaker 64 Put a spoon in it.

Speaker 39 There's a spoon, like the lid's off. It's dangerous.
The lid's off, there's a spoon coming out.

Speaker 66 Probably ends at my armpit, the spoon coming out of the thing.

Speaker 38 And then it's like a a Ben and Jerry's, but instead of Ben and Jerry's, and what flavour just says James Acaster.

Speaker 64 Nice.

Speaker 26 Is that the flavour as well? Does it just say James? I feel like we're going too far into detail here with this, Amelia.

Speaker 124 No, I don't think we are. I think we should carry on.

Speaker 26 Is there a flavour on it, or instead of Ben and Jerry's, does it say James Acaster?

Speaker 64 No, it tastes like James.

Speaker 74 It tastes like...

Speaker 92 Yes,

Speaker 26 James has put James Acaster on it, so when people lick his body, it's like they're eating an ice cream that there's a flavour of him.

Speaker 7 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 134 James?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 45 Without further ado this is the off-menu menu of Sam Campbell.

Speaker 136 Welcome Sam.

Speaker 34 Thanks so much.

Speaker 63 Sorry, can I just say on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the city of Nottingham and on behalf of the entire Midlands region,

Speaker 63 thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding evening.

Speaker 47 Take a seat please sam.

Speaker 63 Sorry, can I just say,

Speaker 63 I mean, this means a lot to me. I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic.
I've faced a lot of obstacles, you know. I'll tell you what, the man upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball.

Speaker 63 But I I was never truly alone

Speaker 63 because every Wednesday, my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears in the form of the most amazing podcast. I've been to so many places with so many incredible people.

Speaker 63 I've smiled with excitement as Scroobius Pitt describes his crazy pizza.

Speaker 63 I've trembled with delight as

Speaker 63 Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna milk.

Speaker 63 I've gasped as the magician Dynamo talks about his corned beef hash.

Speaker 106 I was never alone because I was with you guys.

Speaker 63 You've gotten me through so many storms.

Speaker 17 Thank you, Sam.

Speaker 61 Thank you, Sam.

Speaker 11 Now, just like the regular episodes, the live shows were full of great foodie chat and some not-so-delicious descriptions of food.

Speaker 11 Here's Ellis James, John Robbins, Susan McComer, Ian Sterling, Amelia DeMoldenberg, Frankie Boyle, and Joe Wilkinson.

Speaker 35 I think the enthusiasm can occasionally be quite irritating because I remember in the first couple of weeks of lockdown, Izzy was

Speaker 35 down, she was anxious, she was pissed off, especially in the morning.

Speaker 95 With his wife.

Speaker 102 And after about

Speaker 35 14 days, I thought, I need to broach this. I was like, what is it?

Speaker 35 Is it what's happening to our careers? Is it the fact there's a global pandemic and we don't know what's causing this thing? And she went, no, no, it's not that. It's when you eat Whitabix.

Speaker 35 You don't realize you do it, do you? And I said, what do you mean? She went, you don't know you do this thing. And I said, what? She went, when you eat Wheatabix

Speaker 10 with every fucking mouthful,

Speaker 20 you say, mmm, yeah.

Speaker 22 The fact that it's fucking Weetabix as well.

Speaker 76 So it's like...

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 65 What do you have on your Weetabix?

Speaker 146 Plain, plain.

Speaker 91 Doesn't with milk.

Speaker 89 So I'm trying to cut down on sugar.

Speaker 35 But I really, I've switched over to porridge now.

Speaker 67 And what do you say when you're eating porridge?

Speaker 66 Yabba dabba do.

Speaker 35 No, but sometimes at night I will think to myself less than eight hours to go

Speaker 35 and it's porridge time.

Speaker 35 I bloody love it.

Speaker 35 And she used to say as well, and when you pour squash into a pint glass,

Speaker 32 you sort of go

Speaker 35 because you can't wait and you don't seem to be bothered by this pandemic but I am

Speaker 35 because for you it's just more weeks of bits and squash time.

Speaker 24 The little detail in that story that after two weeks you asked your wife what was wrong.

Speaker 67 Alright, what is it?

Speaker 32 The global pandemic is it I suppose?

Speaker 96 Because

Speaker 35 I just thought it was general worry about the pandemic, but it was that very specific thing.

Speaker 35 And then.

Speaker 149 You're still not understanding what I'm saying.

Speaker 96 I'm saying it's mad to leave it two weeks before you check to see if your partner's okay and what's wrong with her.

Speaker 54 You go, no, you don't understand.

Speaker 31 I thought it was general worry.

Speaker 32 So I left it unchecked.

Speaker 35 Oh, yeah, we were talking about general worries a lot,

Speaker 47 but

Speaker 47 that wasn't the headline.

Speaker 141 The headline act

Speaker 20 was me going, mmm, yeah, every time I eat Weetabix.

Speaker 35 But the fact is, if you've said, mmm yeah, every time you have a mouthful of wheat to bicks for as long as you've lived,

Speaker 102 it's a really hard habit to get out of.

Speaker 54 For as long as you've lived.

Speaker 62 Were you aware that you did it before it was pointed out to you?

Speaker 30 No.

Speaker 35 So then, next morning, having had the chat, I've got the spoon.

Speaker 47 I was fucking trembling. I was like,

Speaker 29 can't say it, man.

Speaker 35 You can't say it. She's going to lose her fucking mind if you say it.
No matter how much you're enjoying this Weeta Bix, you've got to pretend it's a normal cereal, man.

Speaker 35 She is on the edge.

Speaker 150 So then I'd have a mouthful and I'd be like, oh.

Speaker 38 You pretend it's a normal cereal.

Speaker 71 Yeah, not a fancy, tasty one like Weetabix.

Speaker 32 Pretend this is just a normal, boring cereal.

Speaker 35 Just a normal boring cereal. And I like them all.

Speaker 35 But Weetabix, at the time.

Speaker 122 Is that at the top for you, Weiter Bix?

Speaker 35 No, I wouldn't say historically special special K.

Speaker 50 What?

Speaker 35 How do you think I'm Bikini Beach body ready yet? It's just bowl after bowl of special K.

Speaker 29 And

Speaker 35 I mean, a long time ago, Coco Pops.

Speaker 35 But Cocoa Pops, sugar's had a bad press over the last sort of 60 years.

Speaker 18 So I've kind of

Speaker 35 tried to quite radically change the way I eat over the last.

Speaker 62 But you had a lot of Cocoa Pops back in the day?

Speaker 29 Back in the...

Speaker 35 Oh, I mean, up to about

Speaker 35 up to about the sort of end of Brit Pop.

Speaker 116 Cocoa Brit Pops.

Speaker 54 Famously.

Speaker 151 Sorry, I'm sick. Why do you sat like that?

Speaker 36 No, no, keep sitting like that.

Speaker 21 I like it.

Speaker 35 It's good stuff. I'm just having a really good time.

Speaker 35 It's like going T4.

Speaker 57 Would you ever bran flakes with Baileys?

Speaker 35 A big fun of bran flakes.

Speaker 62 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 35 With Baileys.

Speaker 66 Yeah, yeah, someone here, that's what the

Speaker 29 dream meal is.

Speaker 35 No, I used to eat over the summer holidays brun flakes, wheatabix, old brown, and cocoa pops in the same bowl.

Speaker 47 All in the same bowl?

Speaker 35 All in the same bowl.

Speaker 78 Did you have a name for that cereal?

Speaker 35 Yeah, cereal time.

Speaker 96 All brown, wheatabix.

Speaker 58 And brown flakes, did you say?

Speaker 69 And cocoa pops.

Speaker 62 And cocoa pops. So that's like the fun.

Speaker 35 I used to do it with my cousin.

Speaker 48 And then.

Speaker 24 Good to know what clips we're going to get out for the trailer of this episode.

Speaker 35 I've thought a lot about my choices, and I've realised how much the way I eat has changed.

Speaker 30 Because I don't want to.

Speaker 35 It's no disrespect to my mother, but we used to have the same

Speaker 35 meal on every night. There was a rota, like a seven-day rota.

Speaker 66 I remember this. I remember you had a routine about it.

Speaker 38 Yes. And if you are going to list the foods that you have.

Speaker 66 Then I would like you to do it in the the way that you did it in the routine years ago, which was you did it like a top of the pops rundown.

Speaker 125 Yes.

Speaker 29 Yes, I'd forgotten about that.

Speaker 35 Monday night chicken tonight.

Speaker 99 Yeah, but that's how you did it, is it?

Speaker 36 You went, you went

Speaker 32 Friday night.

Speaker 36 That's why you did it.

Speaker 153 I feel like chicken tonight, well, you're lucky because you're having it tonight.

Speaker 28 It's Monday night, and it's always chicken tonight.

Speaker 125 Yeah,

Speaker 35 Thursday night was pizza because my mother had aerobics.

Speaker 35 So you needed something quick. Friday night, obviously, fish.
And so that when I went to university,

Speaker 35 I was exposed to new tastes.

Speaker 74 Take us, what was the first new taste you were exposed to at university?

Speaker 91 Black pepper.

Speaker 120 Wowie.

Speaker 138 Where were you going to university? Delhi?

Speaker 106 This is incredible.

Speaker 35 I lived with a girl called Caroline who'd been privately educated

Speaker 35 and she was a really good cook. She liked to cook.

Speaker 35 And I lived with her in that lovely girl, I lived with her in the second and third year, and her boyfriend Chris. And she used to love to cook.
She introduced me to risotto.

Speaker 29 That was great.

Speaker 35 She also introduced me to coriander.

Speaker 97 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 35 She made a carrot and coriander soup. And I was so overwhelmed by it

Speaker 35 that at the end of the bowl, I kissed her on the cheek

Speaker 35 I said thank you.

Speaker 28 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 35 She was like, carrot and coriander soup burris. And I was like, well, I'm now, I'm going to eat it every day for the rest of my life.

Speaker 35 Well,

Speaker 49 the next one, I think I'm going to...

Speaker 152 There's the cheese course, which is just very quick.

Speaker 131 Yeah, yeah. Cheese course.

Speaker 106 No, but

Speaker 106 it doesn't matter.

Speaker 30 It's good cheese course.

Speaker 122 It's good news. And cheese course is good news.

Speaker 121 That means that the dessert is a proper dessert and we're not skipping it.

Speaker 122 If anything, I'm pro cheese course.

Speaker 35 So the

Speaker 117 Anna once kissed a girl.

Speaker 152 So the cheese course is very simply the cheese, which is a cheese.

Speaker 152 It was known as, in my family, known as the cheese.

Speaker 152 And my stepdad, whenever he went down to Somerset, because he loved Somerset, so he'd go down to Somerset quite a lot, work down there,

Speaker 152 He would bring back the cheese, which is a big

Speaker 152 wheel of cheddar in black wax from a company. It's the Maryland Farm Mature Cheddar Cheese.
And anyone who tasted this cheese said, You've got to sort me out with some of this cheese.

Speaker 152 This is insane.

Speaker 152 I thought I knew Cheddar.

Speaker 32 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 58 Everyone would say this, right?

Speaker 51 Honestly. Word for word, everyone would say this.

Speaker 77 Everyone would say word for word.

Speaker 47 You got to cinnamon and cheddar.

Speaker 47 Yeah.

Speaker 86 And then they'd leave it there?

Speaker 152 They'd say, I thought I knew cheddar until I tasted the cheese.

Speaker 107 So then.

Speaker 17 Wipe that on a t-shirt.

Speaker 152 Then, when the next time my stepdad went down to Somerset, I'd have to say, oh, can you sort my friend Sam's mum out with some of your cheese?

Speaker 22 Awful sentence out of context.

Speaker 152 So he'd be like, well, I don't know what it's like, 15 quid for a fucking enormous, like four kilos of cheese.

Speaker 152 And he'd say, well, yeah, well, yeah, they can pay me back or whatever. I'll bring it up.
Before you know it, he's bringing back quite a lot of cheese from Somerset into,

Speaker 152 you know, Avon and North Somerset.

Speaker 155 Across the border.

Speaker 152 Well, yeah, it becomes a County Lines drug operation.

Speaker 79 But I mean, I'm not kidding.

Speaker 130 He would come back with like four wheels of this cheese.

Speaker 23 One for me, one for my friend sam one for my friend sam's mum one for you know someone else fucking sam can't share one with his mum what's going on

Speaker 129 but once you start were they a broken home as well no

Speaker 152 once you start eating this cheese yeah you just eat a whole wheel of cheese it's mad it's mad and i i would go around i'd go from mine where we'd be eating the cheese i'd go around to sam's house

Speaker 49 They'd be sat in their kitchen just cutting off slices of cheese, eating this cheese.

Speaker 152 It's so creamy, it's so tangy.

Speaker 139 Do people not usually talk this long about their choices?

Speaker 66 They do. No, Joe, what John?

Speaker 68 I love it. I want to try the cheese.

Speaker 122 To be fair, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong if this was a studio recorded episode.

Speaker 152 It's said on the thing, an hour and a half.

Speaker 32 Really?

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 136 Well, then, you are in the right, and I don't know how I'm getting back to London today.

Speaker 51 Do you want anything with the cheese?

Speaker 85 A taxi for James.

Speaker 64 My drink of choice is a Craig David.

Speaker 97 Okay.

Speaker 38 Now, again, I don't think you're using that phrase right.

Speaker 57 There's a UK garbage singer.

Speaker 64 Yeah, there's a drink called a Craig David. Who knows what a a Craig David is? Go woo.

Speaker 84 It's a real drink.

Speaker 64 Right, so what is.

Speaker 25 Was it the same guy who taught you that one?

Speaker 32 No, no, this was me.

Speaker 107 This is my favourite late-night drink, Susan.

Speaker 31 You take Robinson's orange

Speaker 32 and you top it up with cold water.

Speaker 32 Are you making Craig Davids down there?

Speaker 32 I'm trying to get just like...

Speaker 21 Baba, I'm making a Craig David.

Speaker 45 Make me a Craig David while you're making the matchup.

Speaker 50 I can go back over Craig David.

Speaker 4 You make me one.

Speaker 50 Tuck a far chick on Tuesday.

Speaker 152 Fucking Al.

Speaker 74 So the Craig David.

Speaker 107 Tell me what's the flavour.

Speaker 107 He did it.

Speaker 17 He did it. Amazing.

Speaker 54 Question of the bits.

Speaker 106 What would you deep fry?

Speaker 26 Which chocolate bar are you deep frying?

Speaker 106 Out of any chocolate bar?

Speaker 47 That was a question for me.

Speaker 32 Thank you, Ed. I'll move on to it, Ian.

Speaker 31 Don't worry.

Speaker 122 I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar.

Speaker 20 Oh my god.

Speaker 106 Ask him first.

Speaker 36 This is really hard.

Speaker 153 If you want, for structural integrity.

Speaker 98 I've seen them all fried.

Speaker 129 What do you mean you've seen them all fry?

Speaker 153 Pretty much I've seen them all fried.

Speaker 98 But what do you mean?

Speaker 106 Where have you seen them all from?

Speaker 153 Well, like, you've been in Edinburgh long enough, you've seen enough people ordering, because like tourists do it, and then you think, oh, I'm not going to do that for tourists, and then you get drunk and you've got a Twix in your hand that you feel like I'm.

Speaker 39 Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a Twix?

Speaker 157 Good evening to ya.

Speaker 106 Hang on. So the voice broke.

Speaker 120 Hey.

Speaker 134 Mom,

Speaker 157 my great-grandpa

Speaker 158 visited these fair isles many moons ago.

Speaker 23 And he always wanted a nice piece of chips.

Speaker 146 Piece of

Speaker 158 chips. Piece of chips with a deep-fried twigs.

Speaker 157 He was quirking those ways.

Speaker 158 So can I please, young man, sir,

Speaker 158 have my twigs deep fried?

Speaker 32 No pun intended.

Speaker 76 Mama.

Speaker 74 Happy party. So Twix, Twix for you.

Speaker 153 Yep, one thing worse than no round of applause is someone trying and 3,000 people going, absolutely not.

Speaker 131 No, that's not.

Speaker 153 I just wanted to hear more from the character. Not today.

Speaker 153 Best for structural integrity, double decker.

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 153 Honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it, it's like nothing happens to it.

Speaker 159 Oh, yeah. It's just in there, like, and what?

Speaker 31 I'm not sure that's it.

Speaker 120 Order us one of them.

Speaker 7 Order us deep-fried double-decker.

Speaker 117 That's what I want.

Speaker 107 I don't want no deep-fried Mars bar.

Speaker 153 See, the Mars bars are inside, like,

Speaker 112 yeah.

Speaker 20 If that's going to scorch my mouth, that's not what my great-grandpappy died for.

Speaker 52 I'd rather have a deep-fried double-decker, please.

Speaker 53 Double-decker Snickers, I think we'll all agree.

Speaker 18 Cream egg?

Speaker 153 Cream eggs, but again, I mean, that is a

Speaker 143 daredevil spore.

Speaker 115 I'd rather skydive than even even that.

Speaker 39 I love that, like, when you had Gazpacho, you didn't know it was meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur

Speaker 157 when it comes to deep fine chocolate chocolate. Through

Speaker 159 structural integrity.

Speaker 39 Every single chocolate, you throw any chocolate bar in.

Speaker 31 Well, you're playing with fire then.

Speaker 31 Top 15!

Speaker 31 Huh?

Speaker 27 Top 15 deep fine chocolate to me and Sterling.

Speaker 53 This audience just heads up.

Speaker 104 They love top 15.

Speaker 75 Yeah, they love top 15.

Speaker 44 From about 14 to 2, it's really going to feel like they don't love it.

Speaker 94 But they're with you.

Speaker 31 I mean, it's up to you if you want to attempt doing that.

Speaker 153 Considering earlier on, I forgot the word for wet wipe.

Speaker 153 I think 15 chocolate bars is a stretch.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 153 The cream egg would be 15.

Speaker 31 Worst. Okay.

Speaker 4 Oh, it's that bottom.

Speaker 153 Bounty, 14.

Speaker 157 Okay, we're doing it.

Speaker 106 You can't not do it now.

Speaker 112 You can't go into 14 and then not finish it.

Speaker 153 Well, Maltesers would be fun, but 13.

Speaker 98 They would be fun. They would be fun, but they're fun.

Speaker 153 It's one of those fun ideas. They would dissolve in the fat, wouldn't they? If you think about it,

Speaker 129 thick batter.

Speaker 153 Yeah, it would just be more batter than anything else.

Speaker 130 The 13.

Speaker 113 12, Milky Butt.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's too soft.

Speaker 25 You're not getting any of the files.

Speaker 153 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 53 There's a lull, aren't they?

Speaker 106 Yeah, but

Speaker 26 you've got to hold strong because what they're actually doing is they are fascinated into silence.

Speaker 107 They're fascinated.

Speaker 27 They're compiling their top 15s in their head.

Speaker 39 I've never been anywhere before where top 15s is even a thing.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 106 Why not a top 15?

Speaker 163 Glasgow. Yeah.

Speaker 112 They're obsessed with top 15s, not top fives or top 10s like most people.

Speaker 4 Top 15s.

Speaker 112 It's got to be top 15s.

Speaker 157 Yeah.

Speaker 162 Top 15s.

Speaker 113 Where am I?

Speaker 8 You've done four.

Speaker 157 You've done

Speaker 153 11 dairy milk, 10 fruit and nut.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 98 Well, that's interesting because you said the nuts.

Speaker 138 So nuts and snickers help the structural integrity.

Speaker 153 That's why it's above.

Speaker 129 The fruit and nut, what's that at now?

Speaker 153 What number is it? Fruit and nuts, 10. Above the dairy milk, because it's got no structural integrity.
Fruit and nuts, 10.

Speaker 26 Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts, which, as we know, provides structural integrity.

Speaker 153 But

Speaker 153 we're nowhere near the new Garby snacks yet.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Can I say as well?

Speaker 129 Mate, what's the Milky Way?

Speaker 164 We're commenting a lot on audience reaction, but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on because it's

Speaker 136 so up my street. Yeah.

Speaker 143 Do you know that?

Speaker 154 So we're in the top 10 now.

Speaker 154 We're in fruit and 9.

Speaker 31 We're in. We're in.

Speaker 38 This is great.

Speaker 39 So number nine.

Speaker 162 Dine

Speaker 162 Oh, my God.

Speaker 32 A dime bar.

Speaker 153 That would be a soup once it was finished.

Speaker 53 Fucking you.

Speaker 154 Look, man, you put your head in the dragon's mouth.

Speaker 27 You took your life into your own hands there. We can't do anything for you.

Speaker 68 Do you think a dime bar would melt?

Speaker 153 It would be a soup with just some caramelli croutons.

Speaker 68 But that's rock hard in the middle. You're talking about structural integrity.
That is like a fucking iron bar.

Speaker 149 That is incredible.

Speaker 153 Iron brew bar, number nine.

Speaker 39 That is not chocolate, Ian.

Speaker 153 It's whatever you want.

Speaker 153 It's not legal.

Speaker 130 Is it?

Speaker 98 So it could be what you want. Eight.

Speaker 153 Chocolate orange, who said that?

Speaker 153 Right, we might have a spoiler for the top five.

Speaker 165 Chocolate orange. Deep-fried chocolate orange.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Just eat like a vinyl.

Speaker 31 Also,

Speaker 106 you're not going individual segments battered.

Speaker 26 You're doing the whole thing.

Speaker 31 No, the whole thing.

Speaker 32 I'd dip my hand in like that.

Speaker 157 Fingers fried.

Speaker 31 Worth it. yeah worth it

Speaker 153 i might lose a hand but it's in the name of science yeah good on you man your your mate from the edamame beans eating a chocolate orange with the foil still on

Speaker 153 no i've done it again

Speaker 154 so where are we in the list seven now seven now seven star bar starbar seven that was

Speaker 153 that was suggested but that was always going to be seven

Speaker 39 i like how as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things you're shouting out more because you're so anxious that your favorites isn't going to be in the list.

Speaker 166 Please!

Speaker 153 Six, bounty.

Speaker 117 Oh, I thought bounty was

Speaker 153 bounty, I think, but the celebrations bounty,

Speaker 153 which tastes better than bounty.

Speaker 51 Interesting.

Speaker 164 Man, I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life.

Speaker 8 This is controversial stuff.

Speaker 153 This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage I've ever been in my life. Yeah.

Speaker 99 Yeah, man.

Speaker 153 Five.

Speaker 124 Boost.

Speaker 31 Boost.

Speaker 112 Boost number five.

Speaker 58 What is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15,

Speaker 138 is you're running through the list as if you've got it pre-planned in your head.

Speaker 106 Hang on, every time you say a number,

Speaker 128 the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say.

Speaker 130 Number five, boost, boost.

Speaker 98 That's not true. Number four.

Speaker 77 What he said.

Speaker 62 Oh my god.

Speaker 53 There should be a law passed that that can only be said in a Scottish accent.

Speaker 64 That was...

Speaker 51 I got a boner when I heard that.

Speaker 88 That was incredible.

Speaker 8 Absolutely.

Speaker 136 A curly whirly boner at that.

Speaker 39 Amazing.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 53 I've never heard that said in a Scottish accent before.

Speaker 39 It was incredible.

Speaker 41 Curly whirly.

Speaker 39 It it was the way he said it I imagined his eyes literally rolling round in his head

Speaker 113 it was

Speaker 106 perfect so look he just walked up yeah

Speaker 56 and then went back you know what there's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet and if it isn't said

Speaker 120 this is what that's what I was hoping would be brought up the Kit Kat Chunky the Kit Kat Chunky

Speaker 153 well we've got spoiler all out uh oh

Speaker 106 Four.

Speaker 57 Oh there we go.

Speaker 86 Now is it a spoiler alert Ian or have you just remembered?

Speaker 31 Curly Worley.

Speaker 130 Three twex,

Speaker 153 two stickers, one Kit Kat Chunky.

Speaker 120 Whoa, what?

Speaker 31 What happened?

Speaker 56 What happened to the double decker?

Speaker 28 No double decker.

Speaker 44 No double decker mentioned.

Speaker 67 No Mars.

Speaker 68 Mars didn't even make the top 15.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 44 He said we haven't even got to the new guard base bars yet. None of them made it into the top 10.

Speaker 32 The best one.

Speaker 77 You'd already named.

Speaker 136 The best one before that.

Speaker 39 So I thought, well, at least he's got his number one locked in.

Speaker 157 Yeah, chocolate.

Speaker 68 Chocolate orange never came up again either. Oh my god!

Speaker 136 Yeah, spoiler for the top five.

Speaker 163 Shouldn't have thought so, forgot about it.

Speaker 17 As soon as someone shouted out, Curly Worley.

Speaker 153 I've never been made to feel a fool about a thing that's

Speaker 153 not known a thing that's not a thing.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 123 Your dream side dish, Amelia?

Speaker 82 Oh,

Speaker 64 my dream side dish is

Speaker 64 chicken nuggets.

Speaker 128 You seem so tired of having to say that.

Speaker 64 No, no, because it I thought was a bit obvious, but it is my side dish. It genuinely is.
Yeah, just for not no reason in particular.

Speaker 34 But okay.

Speaker 151 But you do genuinely love it.

Speaker 64 I love chicken nuggets. Yeah, I love chicken nuggets.
I eat them all the time on chicken shop date, off chicken shop date. I don't really like chicken on the bone.

Speaker 125 Me neither.

Speaker 125 Oh.

Speaker 20 Yeah, don't like it at all.

Speaker 119 You have to go at me for it.

Speaker 26 You guys need to fucking suck it up.

Speaker 64 I just don't like the consistency. I think it's...
I much prefer a boneless or a breast, a nugget situation. Don't like a leg, don't like a thigh.

Speaker 64 What else do you have?

Speaker 64 Wings. Wit, no.

Speaker 87 No. No.

Speaker 26 Is it because is it a genuinely consistency thing, or is it weird for you to have the bone in there?

Speaker 167 Because then you think of it being an animal, which we're...

Speaker 32 Oh, no, don't mind that. No.

Speaker 64 I don't like. It gets a bit slimy.

Speaker 58 I mean, so what about boneless thighs?

Speaker 26 I think that's probably the best, the best cut.

Speaker 24 The thighs are the best.

Speaker 37 Aren't all thighs bone?

Speaker 168 Is there a bone in the thigh?

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 22 Yeah, just checking.

Speaker 124 Is there a bone in there?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 154 I'm suddenly very pro-mansplaining.

Speaker 128 Just checking. You have a bone in your thigh.

Speaker 26 When you get up at the end of the podcast, you'd fall straight on the floor.

Speaker 64 Oh, gosh. Yes, chicken nuggets.

Speaker 1 Chicken nuggets.

Speaker 138 From a particular place? Is it a Mackie D's chicken nugget?

Speaker 64 I think Morley's has the best chicken nuggets.

Speaker 64 Woo!

Speaker 64 And if also McDonald's do have really good nuggets as well.

Speaker 25 How many nugs are you getting from McDonald's if you go in?

Speaker 25 You can get 24 nugs, can't you?

Speaker 64 Oh, I wouldn't get 24. I'd get six.
Six nugs, but sometimes I get a happy meal, so I get four.

Speaker 77 Yeah,

Speaker 137 the ripple went across the crowd there.

Speaker 36 Yeah, I weren't sure about that.

Speaker 151 Does four just come with the happy meal, or I think four is a happy meal, yeah.

Speaker 124 Yeah, yeah, how often are you getting a happy meal?

Speaker 64 Uh, I'll normally normally get a happy meal if I go to McDonald's,

Speaker 124 yeah.

Speaker 15 What are you getting with what with what are you doing with the toy?

Speaker 124 Oh, just get keep them at home

Speaker 106 and my toy drawer,

Speaker 106 yeah,

Speaker 85 And a fruit chute.

Speaker 138 So you get a fruit chute

Speaker 58 in the happy meal.

Speaker 54 You can choose fruit shoot, yeah.

Speaker 51 You can choose, okay.

Speaker 60 What else do you get in that?

Speaker 58 Chips. I will just say this.

Speaker 26 I haven't had a happy meal since I was seven, so.

Speaker 64 Oh, sucks to be you.

Speaker 64 Yeah, you know, McDonald's apparently are the largest toy distributors in the world.

Speaker 128 Sorry, we should have explained.

Speaker 94 Grimace is in the crowd tonight.

Speaker 106 Yes.

Speaker 39 That's someone who's recently told a friend that and been told they're full of shit

Speaker 159 yes

Speaker 64 I was actually thinking recently like what did in these situations like when you say a fact and then your friend's like no that's not true before people had Google and could have it like look on their phone like what happened do you think we can actually tell you

Speaker 26 sorry to say that we do remember those times oh yeah it just meant that the whole night was one discussion and you spent the whole night just going like,

Speaker 84 but

Speaker 64 oh no, because there was a thing.

Speaker 85 What was the thing?

Speaker 33 You know the thing I'm talking about.

Speaker 79 And you were all there and you were just all going insane collectively.

Speaker 164 And then you'd have to, it would go on for ages.

Speaker 114 It would go on beyond that one night.

Speaker 122 You'd see someone the next day.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 72 You'd go, do you know what Amelia said that McDonald's are the biggest toy distributors in the world?

Speaker 62 And then they'll go, Oh, I think I heard that somewhere.

Speaker 99 Like, did you?

Speaker 47 Where did you heard it? Oh, I can't remember, no?

Speaker 123 And then you'd just never know.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 121 And then eventually, we got the internet, and we could all just like.

Speaker 66 When we originally got the internet, all of us spent a week

Speaker 115 just getting up to speed.

Speaker 26 And imagine this: like, you'd have to go to the toilet and just go to the toilet.

Speaker 61 Uh, do you?

Speaker 64 I don't Google on the toilet.

Speaker 62 You don't Google on the toilet? No.

Speaker 58 You're not on your phone on the toilet.

Speaker 125 No. You're not on your phone.
No. You're not YouTubing?

Speaker 41 No. What are you doing?

Speaker 64 I'm just going on the toilet.

Speaker 40 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 108 I don't think...

Speaker 64 Really? So you're sat there on your phone?

Speaker 71 Watching YouTube on the toilet.

Speaker 114 Really?

Speaker 122 Yeah, like the other day I had to consciously decide I'm going to leave my phone in the living room.

Speaker 38 Really?

Speaker 114 I'm going to go for a shit.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 114 And like, it was like the first time I'd like had a shit for ages.

Speaker 39 Like, I'd done a lot of shits, but I hadn't had a shit.

Speaker 31 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 39 I really felt like this was my...

Speaker 32 I was experienced it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 53 I was present for it.

Speaker 26 Well, Well, I need my phone on the toilet because every time me and Nish have a shit, we text each other about it.

Speaker 38 Which is really weird because they're back to back.

Speaker 26 We had to have a specially built toilet.

Speaker 64 What do you text, like, I'm having a shit?

Speaker 26 Yeah, like, oh, normally if Nish does a really bad one, depending where he is, says say he was at the Manchester Out to Apollo, he'd text me and I'd know he'd had a shit because he'd say, so sorry, Manchester O2 Apollo.

Speaker 26 That's like the code.

Speaker 99 Yes.

Speaker 64 For I've had a shit. So

Speaker 64 your chat history is just I've shit shit.

Speaker 170 Yeah.

Speaker 155 Yeah. I've had a shit.
Yeah. Cool.

Speaker 39 Two days ago, I rang Nish and he answered me going, gonna level with you, Jimmy. I'm having a shit.

Speaker 39 I'm like, don't answer the phone, man.

Speaker 115 Just don't answer it.

Speaker 107 Just ring me back when you're not shitting.

Speaker 39 How's that for an idea?

Speaker 57 Main course, Frankie.

Speaker 152 Now, I was very torn here.

Speaker 18 I love checking, and I think it has psychological roots, right?

Speaker 18 In that when you were a kid,

Speaker 19 like your dad always got the big bit of chicken, leg of chicken, right?

Speaker 18 And you got some fucking scraggy bits of chicken. And as a kid, I often thought to myself, when I'm an adult, I will eat chicken every day.

Speaker 69 And I've lived up to that dream.

Speaker 10 It's rarely,

Speaker 7 I mean, chicken, we all love it.

Speaker 18 I love to get it in a Vietnamese place in Glasgow, do a caramelized ginger chicken that that I really like. Okay, a chicken has to die, but

Speaker 18 it's just a fucking chicken.

Speaker 32 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 21 And

Speaker 18 I'm very tempted to say chicken or like a really good fried chicken or something like that, but

Speaker 19 I want to be honest and say what my actual dream meal would be.

Speaker 18 I'd like to eat all of the icing off a wedding cake.

Speaker 88 Frankie. Main course.

Speaker 31 Main course.

Speaker 52 Last night.

Speaker 138 Last night we had Ian fucking Sterling on it.

Speaker 122 He chose a cheeseboard as his dessert.

Speaker 40 Oh, God.

Speaker 112 I cried myself to sleep.

Speaker 39 You have no idea how good this feels right now

Speaker 164 to hear that you want to eat all the ice enough a wedding cake as your main course.

Speaker 18 Surely in Scotland if you ordered the cheese board they'd be blowing fucking dust off it before they handed it to you.

Speaker 99 Yeah, well that's what you get if you invite on a prick from Edinburgh.

Speaker 79 Your dream main course, Joe.

Speaker 121 What's following up this quite confusing prawn cocktail?

Speaker 172 Chicken care chips and peas.

Speaker 47 I knew that as soon as he ended.

Speaker 52 A lot of people.

Speaker 66 It's been a while.

Speaker 107 I think this might be the first time on the podcast you've had a meal that is exclusively eaten on your lap.

Speaker 128 That's if I'm getting the hose through the window.

Speaker 109 Chicken kiev, chips, and peas.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Now, I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe.

Speaker 172 Well, we're not eating in a restaurant. No.

Speaker 57 Whose house is this at?

Speaker 19 Stevens.

Speaker 117 Tell us about it, yeah.

Speaker 172 Went to school with him and he lives opposite his mum.

Speaker 172 The house opposite his mum.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 172 Do you know what? It's at my house, actually.

Speaker 172 Can't be looking at his mum's house.

Speaker 31 Do you want to hear more of this? It's at my house.

Speaker 172 Yeah, so it's probably

Speaker 172 from Waitrose.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Because I haven't spent, yeah.

Speaker 106 You can't go do that to him now.

Speaker 43 Go, ooh!

Speaker 109 After his big chicken Kiev, chips and peas.

Speaker 172 Two, I'm having two Kievs.

Speaker 104 Respect. Yeah.

Speaker 47 Respect.

Speaker 99 It's the only way. It's the only way.

Speaker 172 Yeah, people are leaving on that controversial.

Speaker 119 All right, I'll have to.

Speaker 38 There was a double Kiev that pushed him over the edge.

Speaker 162 He's actually got his asshole.

Speaker 148 Some people can't handle the truth.

Speaker 115 Gone.

Speaker 119 Gone forever. You know what I mean?

Speaker 163 They just looked.

Speaker 66 When does Waitrose shut?

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Shuts it mine, mate.

Speaker 32 Oh, my dude,

Speaker 61 he did have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a key.

Speaker 148 Oh, get us one while you're there.

Speaker 58 So double Kiev.

Speaker 31 Yeah, two Kievs.

Speaker 127 And what's in, because obviously you can get different chicken Kievs sometimes.

Speaker 131 Yes.

Speaker 76 That was going to be one of the others.

Speaker 172 Also, you can't get different types.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 74 No, that's a chicken Kiev is garlic butter, right?

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 66 I've just seen them get called chicken Kievs but have other stuff in them before.

Speaker 32 Like what?

Speaker 103 They've got what?

Speaker 29 Stuffing in there.

Speaker 107 Other stuff in there, like they chuck some

Speaker 97 in there, or whatever.

Speaker 105 No, no, the chicken cord on baller with ham.

Speaker 28 It's amazing what they'll turn.

Speaker 31 They've turned, they've turned.

Speaker 114 It's the biggest faux pas I've ever made on the tour.

Speaker 103 Yeah,

Speaker 172 I'm absolutely with them.

Speaker 105 How much garlic butter do you want in there?

Speaker 172 Doesn't matter, it'll all seep out while it cooks.

Speaker 174 Doesn't matter.

Speaker 172 It'll all be coating the bottom.

Speaker 32 Yeah,

Speaker 148 And when you cut into it, it's completely hollow.

Speaker 116 Perfect.

Speaker 148 I've forgotten it's in there, so it's slightly too cooked.

Speaker 58 Slightly too brown.

Speaker 68 So you're making this at home, that's your dream.

Speaker 26 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 172 Well, then I don't have to go out.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 28 So all the garlic butter's like just on the baking tray or whatever?

Speaker 172 Yeah, yeah, but then

Speaker 172 you pour the butter back over

Speaker 172 the kievs and you said you tell the other person you put the equal amount on both.

Speaker 38 Are you also though, whenever I've made this dish

Speaker 164 I'll also pour the garlic butter over the peas at least, most likely also the chips and just like get a little bit of

Speaker 99 your own

Speaker 133 to you? You're wrong, but

Speaker 172 it should be soaking into the um into the crust of the kiev.

Speaker 59 But yeah,

Speaker 60 but yeah um people pay i do like i do like the hollowness of it as well like you like the hollowness yeah so you don't want so it would be awful for you if you got the kiev out the oven and none of the butter had escaped that it's all in there well i'd i'd cut the side and put it back in

Speaker 128 you breach you breach the kiev and then

Speaker 172 needs to all be in the pan yeah

Speaker 127 also if you're making this yourself Are you gobbling beetroot the whole time?

Speaker 114 Is there some beetroot being eaten the whole time you're making?

Speaker 172 I've got beetroot in the house at the moment actually?

Speaker 125 I've got three.

Speaker 172 It's a bit of a bugbear for Petra. Sorry, Petra, but I usually have a...

Speaker 160 It's not even my other half anymore, just the first name.

Speaker 29 Petra, she's there. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 172 There'll be

Speaker 172 about four or five half-empty jars in the fridge, and

Speaker 172 we'll be in Sainsbury's and I'll pop another one in the basket.

Speaker 102 That'll be an awkward drive home.

Speaker 91 Are you going to put them all in one jar?

Speaker 172 Nope.

Speaker 26 Are you getting through them eventually or is there just a constant cycle of

Speaker 11 no there's well there's that awkward moment where you um you pour it in the sink and there's a few

Speaker 172 loose ones in the bottom you think

Speaker 169 Why not?

Speaker 71 That'd be the worst one to choke on a sink one.

Speaker 50 Yeah, yeah

Speaker 91 tastes like toothpaste

Speaker 32 Hold on.

Speaker 172 Yeah, I eat them over the bathroom sink.

Speaker 39 That's where you pour them out as well.

Speaker 117 When the jars are done, you go up to the bathroom.

Speaker 36 Look out to the bathroom.

Speaker 172 Check that no one's in there.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 172 Then I go, and if there is, I go, do you mind if I quit me?

Speaker 28 Eat some beet tree.

Speaker 90 Someone just shouted out the worst punt I've ever heard.

Speaker 174 Oh, what was it? What was it?

Speaker 83 He said,

Speaker 123 be true to yourself.

Speaker 172 Oh, I wish there was a way of deleting that.

Speaker 141 Oh, edit it out.

Speaker 107 The issue with beetroot for me is if I eat beetroot, and I know you're the same, I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me

Speaker 26 in a few hours' time that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet, I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer.

Speaker 50 But I

Speaker 174 change.

Speaker 172 Yeah,

Speaker 172 how do you celebrate a beetroot shit?

Speaker 74 That's not the response I was expecting to that.

Speaker 172 But

Speaker 84 you go, fucking beetroot.

Speaker 42 Should we go on a bike ride?

Speaker 172 But what I'm worried about with you, Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly, just don't ever look behind you.

Speaker 138 But I'm just worried you're never going to spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong.

Speaker 59 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 29 I'll take a week off.

Speaker 174 Can't say further than that.

Speaker 28 What were we talking about?

Speaker 31 You said wait rows for your chicken kiev.

Speaker 32 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 172 But I will have Sainsbury's.

Speaker 29 Actually, Tainsby's is cheaper.

Speaker 54 Because if you if you

Speaker 35 if you cook little tip, if you um yeah, if you overcook

Speaker 172 a chicken Kiev by about 15 minutes, they all taste the same.

Speaker 31 It's like overcooked.

Speaker 172 Yeah, but then it doesn't, if you buy a cheap one, you go, that's it, because it's burnt, it tastes the same as a.

Speaker 74 So, I don't understand.

Speaker 26 This feels like a false economy joke because

Speaker 58 you don't have to overcook them.

Speaker 172 What do you mean?

Speaker 26 You buy a nice one and cook it right, then it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right.

Speaker 25 So, why don't you just do that rather than why are you overcooking all of them to make them taste the same?

Speaker 172 Because I'm in the middle of a box set.

Speaker 62 What's the box set?

Speaker 172 Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama.

Speaker 172 I never bother learning the names of them.

Speaker 172 It's a detective in a town up north.

Speaker 28 That's all I know.

Speaker 172 And it's very well cast.

Speaker 31 So you're getting into that.

Speaker 172 Yeah, and I forget I'm cooking it.

Speaker 55 Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready?

Speaker 103 What alarm?

Speaker 105 An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you?

Speaker 172 Two good answers.

Speaker 55 To be fair.

Speaker 172 To be fair, two good answers.

Speaker 28 He's got me there.

Speaker 79 Would you like to be in an ITB drama one day, Joe?

Speaker 79 Do you think you would be good in one of those shows?

Speaker 172 No, because I love them too much, so I don't want to go, fucking hell, it's me.

Speaker 60 I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it and then be taken out of the maybe that it'd be good if you could get in one right even just walk on part and then at some point go I've do you mind if I do a bit of improv look down the camera and go Joe you've got a keyv in the oven

Speaker 9 Now we've had plenty of food talk on the podcast, but not much cutlery chat.

Speaker 10 Ardlo Hanlon changed that.

Speaker 3 Wow. What a link.

Speaker 3 What a link, this guy.

Speaker 11 I mean, it is a nice bit of cutlery chat, to be fair.

Speaker 31 But I don't care about water.

Speaker 143 I mean,

Speaker 143 I know it's got its uses and stuff like that, you know,

Speaker 143 irrigation and that sort of shit.

Speaker 90 But

Speaker 143 I don't really care about it. What I am really interested in is,

Speaker 143 well, the temperature is important.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 32 But more importantly is the glass.

Speaker 108 So,

Speaker 143 like, I'm really interested in the heft of a glass, that kind of thing.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Like, that would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass. It would be the, you know, like that.
That's too thin.

Speaker 143 Like, this little, this is a thin can of water for those listening that I'm holding in my good hand.

Speaker 41 Be careful with the mic in that case.

Speaker 143 And it's too thin, so it's not an, there's no pleasure to be had

Speaker 143 in in holding this can.

Speaker 143 You know, the temperature is fine.

Speaker 157 Oh, I've heard that before.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 143 So, so it, so, like, that would, if I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get like tennis elbow or something.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Because you're using extra muscles to get a good grip on it.

Speaker 119 Sure.

Speaker 39 So, you want something with a bit of weight you want when you pick it up?

Speaker 151 Weight is important, yes.

Speaker 62 Good point.

Speaker 143 And heft, I don't know if heft is the right word to describe like

Speaker 129 girth.

Speaker 31 Girth. Girth.

Speaker 98 Girth.

Speaker 85 Girth, heft, weight.

Speaker 143 That's what you would like. In that order.

Speaker 66 So you've got those glasses

Speaker 163 that have quite a thick bottom to them.

Speaker 66 Yeah. Do you know what I mean? When it's like

Speaker 77 stops, but then it just carries on a big chunk of glass at the bottom.

Speaker 53 I like that.

Speaker 143 I mean, the point of Guinness glass is the perfect glass.

Speaker 41 Right.

Speaker 41 Absolutely. They know.

Speaker 143 They know.

Speaker 143 And because it's also got that thing that, that, like, the little bulge about three quarters of the way up,

Speaker 24 which is a good

Speaker 75 feature.

Speaker 26 So girth, heft, weight, and the little bulge three quarters of the way up.

Speaker 143 Yeah, that's that's about all you need. And the lip, the lip is important.

Speaker 143 That is not too thin a lip.

Speaker 143 Because again, that doesn't channel the water

Speaker 53 into the right areas of the mouth.

Speaker 31 It channels it onto your shirt.

Speaker 31 And that's useless.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Forks are important as well.

Speaker 143 So, like, again, the whole like eating is fine, like, okay, you know, there's prefer touching, yeah.

Speaker 7 Prefer touching, but also prefer, like,

Speaker 79 again, I think it's maybe getting older.

Speaker 51 Like, my main interest at dinner will be the heft of the cutlery.

Speaker 143 Like, we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago, and this is absolutely true. So, I got last Christmas for my wife's Christmas present, I got this amazing cutlery.

Speaker 143 Like, it is the best cutlery ever.

Speaker 122 So, you bought that for your wife?

Speaker 131 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Lucky girl.

Speaker 128 But just imagine you handing it over to her.

Speaker 31 She loves design.

Speaker 80 Look at the heft on that.

Speaker 143 Even more than me, she loves design. I mean, she's got some outlandish cutlery in her collection,

Speaker 143 which she keeps in a different room than my cutlery collection. So, like, she got these forks, which are like, they look nice, but they're terrible.

Speaker 143 Now, look, you know, I shouldn't be talking about my wife in a public forum.

Speaker 143 But I feel she needs to know.

Speaker 143 And we're not good on one-to-one.

Speaker 143 But we've these forks at home. Like, there's only three tines.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Oh, see,

Speaker 143 two of them are splayed outwards, like the outer two.

Speaker 31 And they curve outwards.

Speaker 143 So you literally you can't pierce anything. There is no food that I know of that you can actually

Speaker 130 pierce.

Speaker 98 So what's that fork for?

Speaker 39 They're turning everything dirty, Arnold.

Speaker 143 Like it's for maybe lifting hay or something and throwing it into a trailer. Like it's not for.

Speaker 85 Whereas the forks I got are, which she's very happy with, by the way.

Speaker 143 Yeah, they're not just forks, they have a companion knife and spoon.

Speaker 131 That's good.

Speaker 147 And they're

Speaker 143 like, so you know, brutalism in architecture, right?

Speaker 10 These are brutalist.

Speaker 143 So

Speaker 143 it's a Dutch designer called Martin Haas.

Speaker 143 Yes. Loads of A's in that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 143 Like, I think there's about five A's in his first name and about four in his second name. Okay, Martin Haas.

Speaker 143 He has these amazing cutleries at.

Speaker 143 Anyway, still there sparkling.

Speaker 31 It was the question.

Speaker 75 It's the most cutlery chat we've had, but it is important.

Speaker 143 Well, I'm surprised you don't talk about it more.

Speaker 108 It's so

Speaker 143 oh, yeah, so I was at this dinner party, and I literally, the next morning, I was really embarrassed.

Speaker 143 Like, I literally went around to everyone at the table, because no one ever remarks in the cutlery, and we're always furious the next morning.

Speaker 143 They say, Oh, yeah, the dinner is my wife's an amazing cook. And so they're always going on about the fucking food and everything.

Speaker 143 And they never mention the cutlery.

Speaker 139 And so at this dinner party, I was going, What do you think of that?

Speaker 143 I was just one of those guys going around. You see it there, and I look, maybe it doesn't look special, but when you actually look at it closely, it's all like it's imperfect.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 143 So there's like there's four tines in the proper,

Speaker 143 you know, at the and there's a stem.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 31 You're talking them through the fork. Yeah.

Speaker 143 But like each each of the tines is kind of like slightly weird. You know, it's.

Speaker 104 Little wiggly tines.

Speaker 161 Yeah.

Speaker 155 And then, but the weight is the important thing.

Speaker 162 It's just perfect.

Speaker 143 Like sometimes

Speaker 143 I literally, it's not even mealtime.

Speaker 143 And I will go to the cutlery drawer.

Speaker 143 Yeah, when I should be working.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 143 And I will literally just walk around with the fork.

Speaker 39 It's feeling the weight of it.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 143 Yeah. And

Speaker 143 the knife is like a saw.

Speaker 143 Yeah, it's a really good knife.

Speaker 60 If a burglar came in,

Speaker 26 which one would you reach for first?

Speaker 85 Well, here's the thing.

Speaker 143 If a burglar came in, I wouldn't know. And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you see, we're very interested in design in our house.
Yes.

Speaker 143 And my wife,

Speaker 31 again,

Speaker 143 it's none of your business.

Speaker 117 Yes.

Speaker 39 The more you mention her, the more I suspect she doesn't exist.

Speaker 22 It's just, your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 143 But she buys lamps.

Speaker 143 So she loves lamps

Speaker 143 almost as much as she likes cutlery.

Speaker 162 Yeah.

Speaker 27 I don't know if your wife likes cutlery.

Speaker 143 So she buys lamps that don't throw any light.

Speaker 143 So our house is really dark.

Speaker 143 Because all the lamps, the lamps are lovely. So, it's always design over functionality, and that's a source of contention.

Speaker 31 And

Speaker 143 literally, there's no light coming out of the lamps.

Speaker 26 So, you wouldn't know which one to get.

Speaker 143 You wouldn't even know, like, it might as well be a hat stand. It might even be a hat stand with a lampshade on it.
Like, there's like, there's no, it's, there's literally no light.

Speaker 143 There could be squatters living in my house.

Speaker 97 I wouldn't know.

Speaker 39 This anger explains why you began the show by rubbing your ass on a lamp.

Speaker 97 Yes.

Speaker 6 But there was one guest who came perilously close to choosing the secret English.

Speaker 16 I would have loved to kick this guy out.

Speaker 12 What? As a Royal Albert Hall, no less.

Speaker 3 What a little thicko this guy is. An idiot.

Speaker 141 It's Ellis James.

Speaker 35 So this is top quality steak, but only a small amount so I can have it with English mustard and then we can move on.

Speaker 25 Okay, and that's next to your sea bus.

Speaker 101 Now, can we get we need to get into the into the nitty-gritty with the veg here?

Speaker 46 So, you've got steamed spinach

Speaker 15 with a little bit of nutmeg, green beans,

Speaker 116 okay.

Speaker 52 Okay, someone's going to need to Google something for us.

Speaker 114 Don't move on.

Speaker 107 No.

Speaker 62 We need to Google.

Speaker 52 You've got your phone out.

Speaker 66 You know what I want you to Google.

Speaker 55 I don't have to say it to you.

Speaker 32 Can you tell us more about the green beans?

Speaker 65 Well, I really like my greens.

Speaker 35 I like kidney beans.

Speaker 35 Sorry, something fucking mad is happening in this room.

Speaker 35 And I

Speaker 35 cannot put my finger on.

Speaker 138 Yeah, don't you don't need to put it.

Speaker 67 Leave your fingers off it for now.

Speaker 17 We've got an army. Because

Speaker 35 I like spinach, I like cabbage.

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 21 He's fine.

Speaker 150 You're in the clear. Carry on the clear.
Carry on.

Speaker 52 Carry on talking.

Speaker 35 I feel like I'm I'm trying to walk across an icy lake.

Speaker 48 As long as you walk and don't run.

Speaker 35 Tender stem broccoli.

Speaker 35 But I would like the chef to discuss them with slightly more enthusiasm than you two, Mr. on your advert at the start of the podcast.

Speaker 66 That's a good advert.

Speaker 28 Yeah, we had to...

Speaker 51 Originally, James wasn't around.

Speaker 58 I had to to record that by myself. You've never felt more fucking insane than recording an advert for broccoli alone.

Speaker 17 My sister thought that advert was fake, was a prank.

Speaker 38 She's like, you can't do an advert for tender stem broccoli. It's like do an advert just for cake.

Speaker 145 Yeah.

Speaker 38 And just like, I'm not going to go to that, because we give a website address at the end. So I'm not going to go on that website.

Speaker 62 It's just going to be a picture of you, Ed, and toast dressed as broccoli.

Speaker 35 Well,

Speaker 35 I love my greens, so it's with greens and dauphinoirs, potatoes, and then a disc of steak with English mustard, but only a small one, so I'm not too full.

Speaker 35 Because it's a big night.

Speaker 38 Are you factoring your dream side dish into that, or is there a different dream side dish?

Speaker 35 Different dream side dish.

Speaker 116 Okay, well, let's move on to that and hear what your different dream side dish is.

Speaker 35 I mean, the two that almost made the cut:

Speaker 35 special fried rice,

Speaker 35 shredded chili, krispy beef.

Speaker 35 But I thought, what genuinely makes me happy

Speaker 62 why do I feel like they're looking at a bowl of sausages

Speaker 35 I thought sordid it's my dream restaurant so for my side I'd like a box of milk tray

Speaker 176 Ellis

Speaker 71 Being here with you tonight is very special.

Speaker 72 Royal Albert Hall, someone's finally chosen milk tray as their dream side dish.

Speaker 145 Can I ask?

Speaker 55 No, no questions needed.

Speaker 26 I respect the choice, but you're not fucking anyone after this meal.

Speaker 32 I beg to differ.

Speaker 6 Sometimes, even though we were alive and in public, things got hot and steamy.

Speaker 169 No, it's not what Snowden says.

Speaker 80 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 5 It says sexy. Sexy is the headline.

Speaker 6 Underlined. And then it says, things go hot and steamy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 16 It's Damelia and Susan McComer.

Speaker 64 My dream drink is,

Speaker 64 have you ever had carrot juice?

Speaker 20 Yeah. Yeah.
Love it.

Speaker 64 Okay. Carrot, not just, not just the juice of a carrot.

Speaker 32 It's like...

Speaker 151 Oh, sorry, I thought that's what it was.

Speaker 5 No, then.

Speaker 150 To reframe what I think about everything today.

Speaker 64 Actually, you know what? Sorry, this is really unprofessional. I'm going to change what I had just because I feel like this is a better answer.

Speaker 138 I do want to, but you can't leave us with the carrot juice, Mr.

Speaker 46 We do need to hear what carrot juice is if it's not the juice of a carrot.

Speaker 64 Carrot juice is delicious, just as delicious as the drink that I'm going to choose.

Speaker 138 Yeah, but what is it?

Speaker 117 What is carrot juice?

Speaker 64 It is the juice of a carrot, but it's mixed with like condensed milk and nutmeg and cinnamon and it's absolutely delicious.

Speaker 26 Can you use evaporated milk instead?

Speaker 64 Absolutely not. No.

Speaker 32 no.

Speaker 175 Because they are interchangeable in a lot of things.

Speaker 64 Definitely not.

Speaker 30 It would be disgusting.

Speaker 64 I feel like that's an inside job.

Speaker 127 I'm not a team to fuck James.

Speaker 69 James's mum did a recipe for us once.

Speaker 26 We did a cook-along together on Zoom during the pandemic

Speaker 6 because

Speaker 26 when we went back into the second lockdown, because someone had fucking noodles.

Speaker 81 And

Speaker 134 out of context, if anyone takes that out of context, that's me cancelled forever.

Speaker 47 That sounds bad.

Speaker 38 If any of you are filming this, just clip that up and put it online.

Speaker 17 Kurt is up his usual tricks.

Speaker 106 I'm fine with that. You could do that.

Speaker 68 Anyway,

Speaker 69 James's mum said, I'll do this. And I did the recipe, and it was shit.

Speaker 26 It was a bad recipe. That's all you need to know.

Speaker 71 She did not, Jaminia.

Speaker 83 She gave him a precise recipe, and he ignored the recipe.

Speaker 83 It said condensed milk, he ignored it and replaced it with evaporated milk, and then complained afterwards that it didn't taste how it was supposed to.

Speaker 64 Yeah, that, yeah, that'll do it.

Speaker 60 She's a shit cook.

Speaker 60 Are you having that?

Speaker 64 Have you two ever had a fight?

Speaker 64 I'm not instigating, I'm just asking.

Speaker 32 Your honour.

Speaker 155 No, I can't fight him here in front of everyone.

Speaker 83 I'll get him in the dressing room when he's not expecting it.

Speaker 84 Speak about my cussing my mum out on stage.

Speaker 103 Terrible, terrible.

Speaker 65 So, you're not choosing the carrot juice?

Speaker 64 I'm not going to go for the carrot juice just because I would like to educate the audience. And maybe, maybe you already know what this is, but have any of you ever had something called sexy juice?

Speaker 66 Sexy juice, right?

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 64 And it's not, hang on. No, it's not that.

Speaker 96 Hang on, I've been tricked before with the carrot juice.

Speaker 175 Okay,

Speaker 64 sexy juice. Right, sexy juice.
It's basically the same as carrot juice, right?

Speaker 64 But

Speaker 64 you substitute the carrot juice for pineapple juice.

Speaker 64 Maybe that's why it's called sexy juice.

Speaker 34 You know that thing about pineapple juice.

Speaker 32 So let's have a let's talk about it.

Speaker 23 I've never noticed that.

Speaker 23 I can't wait to listen to this.

Speaker 23 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 151 So we've worked out why it's called sexy juice.

Speaker 61 There'll be people in here who don't know what you mean.

Speaker 74 Explain what you mean.

Speaker 87 Right.

Speaker 116 Oh, I hope my mum doesn't listen.

Speaker 37 All right, moving on.

Speaker 64 Right, so sexy juice is...

Speaker 64 Sorry, did you say you want the recipe?

Speaker 37 No?

Speaker 20 Yeah? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 106 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 64 Okay, it's pineapple juice, condensed milk, bit of nutmeg, bit of cinnamon. It doesn't sound all...
It's not fancy, but it's delicious. It really, really is.

Speaker 64 Yeah, I don't want to speak about sexy juice anymore.

Speaker 67 Fair enough. We all know why it's called sexy juice now.

Speaker 38 Respect the guest boundaries.

Speaker 32 I'm not going to make you talk about sexy juice anymore.

Speaker 32 I feel like I've made it so awkward.

Speaker 34 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 64 Let's go back to carrot juice. Let's carrot juice.

Speaker 30 That's what you mean.

Speaker 38 No, that sounds like very nice.

Speaker 79 Do you think you've now ruined sexy juice for yourself, though?

Speaker 32 Yeah. Now that you've put that in your head?

Speaker 82 No, I'll still have it.

Speaker 48 Good on you, mate.

Speaker 69 We can bring you like a tumbler of each if you want.

Speaker 58 You can have some sexy juice and some carrot juice.

Speaker 10 Thanks. Yeah, no worries.

Speaker 84 Thank you, really appreciate it.

Speaker 50 No, don't work with me.

Speaker 30 Does that work with any other foods?

Speaker 64 Say it again, sorry.

Speaker 58 Does the thing work with any other foods?

Speaker 37 The thing?

Speaker 26 The pineapple thing that we're all thinking about now and won't stop thinking about until after the show's done. Does that work with any other foods?

Speaker 51 I don't know.

Speaker 64 Are there any like parent and child

Speaker 64 in the audience?

Speaker 32 There are.

Speaker 64 Oh, there's loads. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 64 No, because, no, I'm just saying cuz they might have to have the conversation on the way home or something

Speaker 62 I Mean you don't have to it's you don't have to we'll do it now

Speaker 84 The most awkward question

Speaker 113 other than any parents

Speaker 58 Sometimes

Speaker 26 When two people love each other very much

Speaker 66 look I don't know the science behind it, I don't know if it's true.

Speaker 15 Me neither. Don't look at me, I don't.

Speaker 50 I don't know.

Speaker 32 Sorry, I'll just look at Ed.

Speaker 57 And I don't know if it would work for other fruits.

Speaker 67 Well, we've got about 14 tour shows left.

Speaker 160 I've only heard the myth about pineapple.

Speaker 37 Yeah. So tomorrow night at the Royal Albert Hall, I'll eat pineapple before the interval.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 67 And then we've got a way to open the second half, haven't we?

Speaker 88 That probably exists in fan fiction somewhere anyway, so we might as well.

Speaker 62 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 55 Loads of fan fiction about us, fucking.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 91 Just talk about food and then those grubby little pervs online.

Speaker 62 Well, I don't mind it.

Speaker 79 No, because you're always the dominant and I'm always getting

Speaker 38 fucked and crying my eyes out.

Speaker 32 You love it.

Speaker 107 Look at the fucking grubby little bastard.

Speaker 79 I'm always the one drinking the pineapple, put it that way.

Speaker 52 Oh, SpongeBob here.

Speaker 52 Oh my God.

Speaker 52 Oh,

Speaker 64 if you had told me this is where this was going to go,

Speaker 64 I'd have still been here.

Speaker 64 Pop up, pop back!

Speaker 54 Pop up, go back, go to the bottom, pop up, go back.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 64 I thought I was gonna be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good.

Speaker 74 Best jump of the tour, to be fair, so far.

Speaker 131 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 106 Publish shitting me up. Oh, my God.

Speaker 114 You were riding high on I Love Lemons.

Speaker 77 No,

Speaker 26 Nothing from Matthew Bainton last night. He didn't move an inch.

Speaker 26 Yeah, but that guy's a ghost. He's used to scares.

Speaker 97 You can't scare a ghost, Matthew.

Speaker 32 Oh God.

Speaker 64 Well, I'll answer it now.

Speaker 64 Bread. Bread.
Prepper bread.

Speaker 151 Prepper bread.

Speaker 116 Prepper, prepper.

Speaker 64 Prepper bread. Warm, warm, soft bread.
We don't want anything too hard. And also, you need really like creamy, like almost melted butter on it.

Speaker 64 You don't want to be shagging around, like trying to warm it up and

Speaker 64 that's like,

Speaker 64 you know what you do when you shag around trying to.

Speaker 106 I do know what you mean, what you're going for.

Speaker 58 I've just never heard that used in that context.

Speaker 64 Yeah, you know, when you're shagging, like when you're trying to achieve something, so you're just putting it around trying to achieve your softer butter. Fuck you know.

Speaker 105 I hate that you're realising this in front of an audience of 2,000 people, but I think you've been using that term wrong.

Speaker 57 A lot of people are going to have different opinions of you over the years.

Speaker 71 Sorry, I was like, I was shagging around at the airport.

Speaker 152 Customs shagging around.

Speaker 61 Is that the GP shagging around?

Speaker 23 Oh my god. Yeah.

Speaker 159 Yes.

Speaker 64 A lot of things are going through my mind right now.

Speaker 64 A lot of conversations.

Speaker 64 But yes, I love creamy, creamy butter. I haven't shagged.

Speaker 100 Fuck it.

Speaker 64 And warm bread. Do you know what? Actually, what I really love, if you go to a really like bougie place,

Speaker 64 I love when they give you like a basket of bread and there's a variety of different breads rather than just like this is the only bread, dip it in that oil.

Speaker 85 Fuck off.

Speaker 64 Like, I love the surprise.

Speaker 28 I go, ooh, that's quite nice.

Speaker 64 And I love, what I really love as a as a starter it is like

Speaker 64 just fruit bread like a bit of raisins in it to just to mix it

Speaker 140 how do we feel what contraverse

Speaker 64 I will shag every one of you

Speaker 64 outside kit off now

Speaker 64 like no raisin I'm sticking with that that's a hill I'm gonna die on yeah yeah yeah but yeah you gotta stick you gotta stick by what you believe but yeah not popular here in Britain Like the fruit bread here.

Speaker 32 Fruit bread.

Speaker 64 No, just a little bit. Not like, I'm not talking excessive amount of raisins, just a little bit.
Dotted around.

Speaker 57 I like those breads. I do like the raisin breads.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 114 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 62 I know what you mean.

Speaker 64 And also, if it's part of a selection, it's only a small little bit. It's only a small wedge.

Speaker 66 There we go. You've got a wedge?

Speaker 48 Oh, you've got the wedges back on the side.

Speaker 47 I've got it back on.

Speaker 64 I like them now.

Speaker 17 When you toast it, though, with raisin bread, I like it to be toasted.

Speaker 64 Not as no, not as, no, not if you're about to have like three courses.

Speaker 151 No.

Speaker 64 no, have I lost you?

Speaker 58 Why is toasting it an issue if you're about to have three courses?

Speaker 75 I don't know.

Speaker 64 Doesn't it just make it makes it denser?

Speaker 32 You're about to have...

Speaker 48 No, hang on. You're about to have

Speaker 64 three courses and then someone gives you toast, essentially.

Speaker 98 Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 64 Don't you think that toast is dense? It's just me. Oh my god, I'm realising a lot.

Speaker 97 I guess...

Speaker 65 But if someone gives you bread, it's the same, isn't it?

Speaker 64 Nah, but if it's a little... Nah, because if you hold a loaf, loaf if you hold not loaf if you hold a slice of bread and then you hold a slice of toast do this when you get home the toast is heavier

Speaker 150 are you is this another problem with your vocabulary here

Speaker 138 have you been mistaking the word heavier for the word hotter and getting

Speaker 64 no go go home and try it slice a slice of bread untoasted toasted that toasted one is heavier susan it's going to be late by the time the show's finished i can't go home and start shagging the toaster.

Speaker 57 Also, you know, I think, what, what are we, three episodes into the latest series of Taskmaster?

Speaker 52 And I feel bad that this audience already knows who's not going to win.

Speaker 6 Speaking of Susan Wacoma, we got to know a lot about her dating history.

Speaker 1 Let's hear from Susan Wacoma and Susan Wacoma.

Speaker 64 So, my very first boyfriend was like

Speaker 64 from Tunbridge Wells. And

Speaker 151 any of those details relevant to the stuff?

Speaker 159 Not at all. Tunbridge Wells and just narrowing down everything.

Speaker 64 Do you know what? The reason why I mentioned that is because he's so far away from what I prepared him. There we go.
So he's from Tunbridge Wells and he's like, Suz, why don't you cook me?

Speaker 35 Why don't you cook me one of your...

Speaker 64 That's not how he talks. Go on.
Why don't you cook me one of your

Speaker 64 home dishes from Nigeria?

Speaker 64 I I can't, I've said I don't fucking like cooking, like eating, I like food being prepared to me, wearing a feather boa and a visor.

Speaker 159 Anyway, so he sounds like a great guy, by the way.

Speaker 32 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 31 Awful, absolutely awful man.

Speaker 97 Why don't you cook me one of your home dresses from Nigeria?

Speaker 22 Why don't you cook me one of your funny little spicy things?

Speaker 85 That's the vibe I got. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 57 That's the vibe I get for this Chubba Dwells motherfucker.

Speaker 64 No, I was talking, no, as I'm doing now, I was talking about how much I love okra soup. And he was like, well, I'd love to taste it.

Speaker 64 And I was like,

Speaker 64 four years.

Speaker 4 Four years.

Speaker 64 Four years. And so I was like, right, cool, I'm going to do that.
So

Speaker 64 I'd made two mistakes. First one was that I didn't chop the okra

Speaker 64 thin enough. It was too thick.
So when it's too thick, you don't get the stringiness, which is the main event. It's the main event.

Speaker 64 So, when he had it, he was like, Well, this ain't anything like you said. Well, this ain't anything like you said.

Speaker 159 So, I failed there.

Speaker 113 Fucking hate this.

Speaker 127 I think do you remember you saying something about stringiness?

Speaker 160 What is this, Susan?

Speaker 106 I wouldn't call this a main event, Susan.

Speaker 155 Have you had Shepherd's Pie?

Speaker 166 Oh, God, awful.

Speaker 64 Yeah, he's a prick. Anyway, and no, he wasn't.
He was a little bit. And then, so the second mistake

Speaker 64 that I made was that you're only meant to use like you use Scotch bonnets. You're only meant to use a couple.

Speaker 32 Oh, oh, no.

Speaker 38 Someone's about to get their come up, isn't it?

Speaker 178 I love it.

Speaker 150 Good on you, Susan.

Speaker 97 How many of you put it?

Speaker 88 I don't think this is going to go well with a guy from Tunbridge Wells.

Speaker 153 I have a nice big spoonful to begin with, Susan.

Speaker 153 Down the hatch, what the hat?

Speaker 44 In for a penny, in for a pound.

Speaker 14 Fuck weight and contract.

Speaker 14 I'm laughing because you're not far off.

Speaker 64 Oh, what was I doing?

Speaker 96 So you're only meant to use

Speaker 64 two, and I use seven.

Speaker 32 Oh my god.

Speaker 64 I use fucking seven and my my spice tolerance is high.

Speaker 64 But even I was sweating from my eyebrows. I was sweating from like creases in my neck.
I was like shit under my tit.

Speaker 140 I was like, wow.

Speaker 153 This guy was pink.

Speaker 64 He was pink and red.

Speaker 62 And he was like,

Speaker 62 he fucking killed him.

Speaker 64 Oh my god, it was funny in retrospect

Speaker 68 well that's good you can see what he's gonna look like when he's 40 at least

Speaker 64 oh my god yeah so i love that meal when it's made by other people

Speaker 64 yeah so those are the those are my two those are my two mains that's great so can i have both of them

Speaker 26 Obviously all I'm thinking about is out

Speaker 32 steam coming out of the ears.

Speaker 48 Also,

Speaker 57 so we've fallen somewhat into a bit of a trap here.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Where Ed and I establish a running joke where you can do it infinite times and all you need to do is do a different phrase before he eats it each time and it's going to make us laugh.

Speaker 53 So I've got in for a penny, in for a pound, and for queen and country in my head.

Speaker 57 And if it wasn't for the fact we're on a time limit, that would have carried on for half an hour.

Speaker 64 I had another boyfriend.

Speaker 64 Quite a few.

Speaker 57 Here we go.

Speaker 147 Next on the chopping block, step up.

Speaker 32 I had another one.

Speaker 64 Now, this one, who I won't name, was a proper, he was a bitch. He was a, I did this.
Like, I think of him and I just think, what the fuck was I doing?

Speaker 64 Like, everyone else, I'm like, good memories, some good times. But this one, I'm like, could have done without that.
Like, scratch that fucking out.

Speaker 76 However,

Speaker 64 after a breakup, I tend to go, okay, what am I going to leave with? What's like one thing that I take with me?

Speaker 5 Can I just check?

Speaker 25 Are you speaking as Susan now?

Speaker 108 Are you the character with that hatred?

Speaker 64 This is me.

Speaker 78 I'm going to be her.

Speaker 64 That's in about, that was about five fucking minutes.

Speaker 32 I'm going to be her.

Speaker 64 But no, so he was a bitch, but

Speaker 64 he showed me this snack.

Speaker 64 So he was like...

Speaker 140 Why does that sound dough?

Speaker 91 That's a dirty.

Speaker 66 There are a lot of innuendos in this episode.

Speaker 99 And when you draw out a sentence like that, it's going to be dirty.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 167 He showed me this.

Speaker 64 He showed me a snack, and it was this. So he was, we went out one night, we came in, and he was just like, oh, I want to show you like my favourite nighttime snack.
I was like, babes, yeah.

Speaker 32 Come on in.

Speaker 38 By the way, may I say, oldest trick in the book.

Speaker 64 So he's like, right, so I'm just going to get some crackers.

Speaker 32 I was like, okay, all right, get the crackers out.

Speaker 140 So he got some crackers.

Speaker 140 Crackers.

Speaker 64 And then he got, he sliced some cheese, just cheddar, just boring cheddar.

Speaker 64 And then he got ketchup.

Speaker 64 Yeah, that's why I'm not with him.

Speaker 64 And

Speaker 64 he put it on the cheese. I was like, literally, I was watching him going, fucking hell, like...
Am I going to have to put a pillow over his head?

Speaker 64 Humanity, is it down to me?

Speaker 64 Is this the moment where I'm like I must stop this continuing um and then he put the other cracker on it I was like fucking hell I don't love anyone this much I don't um and then I ate it was fucking sick

Speaker 64 absolutely a meh anything it was gorgeous so crackers Jacob's crackers

Speaker 64 Slice of cheddar, just a couple of slices, ketchup, bosh, bish, bosh, put it in your mouth, gorgeous. That would be my side dish.

Speaker 58 Your dream side dish.

Speaker 32 Oh,

Speaker 64 I love this sound. You lot are amazing.
You lot want to beat me up, and I love it.

Speaker 58 Your dream side dish is crackers, cheddar, and ketchup that was shown to you by, and I quote, a proper bitch.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 92 You said you didn't take anything from this relationship.

Speaker 106 No, but that was the one thing I took. The one thing.

Speaker 64 That was the only thing I took.

Speaker 104 I mean, it's awful, Susan.

Speaker 64 Yes, it is awful.

Speaker 65 And he likes cheese boards.

Speaker 18 Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 53 And he hates the...

Speaker 99 So, like, I know I'm the last person who's now going to back you up on it because I hate cheese boards. So, obviously, I hate that.

Speaker 64 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 98 No, that's all right.

Speaker 121 I mean, has he got a name?

Speaker 122 Did he give it a little nighttime?

Speaker 84 He strikes me as the kind of person who would give it a little cheeky night.

Speaker 106 I'll give it a name.

Speaker 69 It's a fucking dairily lunchable, is what it is.

Speaker 64 Oh, he was in his 50s as well.

Speaker 64 I know, don't you think he's a bitch?

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Hang on.

Speaker 176 What?

Speaker 115 Suddenly, I didn't give a shit about food anymore.

Speaker 17 You were going out with a guy in the 50s who was like, Let me show you my favourite contact.

Speaker 106 Now you get the pillow thing.

Speaker 159 I was like, geez. Try that, Susan.

Speaker 31 Try that.

Speaker 42 But you'll have to be quiet, otherwise, you'll wake Mother.

Speaker 42 Again, you're not far off. Have you brought a girl home?

Speaker 42 Go to bed, mother.

Speaker 42 You've been happy up all night, merry, making dairy learns of us.

Speaker 113 Mother, please, I'm a man now.

Speaker 115 I sleep in the big bed.

Speaker 62 Again, not long, you're not far off.

Speaker 120 Wow.

Speaker 99 You're not far off.

Speaker 160 This guy,

Speaker 100 please.

Speaker 141 Wait till you see this. It's going to blow your mind.
Catch up.

Speaker 121 Mine many years on this planet, Susan.

Speaker 31 Learned many a thing.

Speaker 127 You probably haven't encountered this.

Speaker 160 I'll let you see how I make it, but don't tell anyone.

Speaker 17 It's a family secret.

Speaker 85 Even under your hat, Susan.

Speaker 99 A Jacobs cream cracker.

Speaker 17 The weakest cheddar imaginable.

Speaker 47 A suggestion of ketchup.

Speaker 31 And here's the twist.

Speaker 47 A second Jacobs cream cracker.

Speaker 149 You must remember, we used to love this when we were children because when I was born, we were still in the back end of rationing.

Speaker 113 Are you talking about the rationing again?

Speaker 113 I hope you haven't eaten all the crackers,

Speaker 98 mother, please.

Speaker 113 you be in my nice cheese

Speaker 127 don't you be eating my nice cheese again i'll come down there give you help i'll box your ears

Speaker 7 oh my god

Speaker 64 that maids that made every second of that year with that guy worth it.

Speaker 32 Thank you so much. Fuck it hell.

Speaker 9 Mother!

Speaker 12 Probably that's the most I've laughed on the whole tour.

Speaker 3 Yes. Was hearing about Susan's boyfriends? Yes.

Speaker 11 Now, obviously, we've got a bit of toilet humour on the live episodes as well, just like we do on the recorded ones. Oh, this is recorded as well.

Speaker 11 Of course, our PMP podcast was represented at the live shows too, is what Benito's written, and that was probably more concise than what I tried to say then.

Speaker 6 Just one name, John Robbins.

Speaker 12 John Robbins, shitting yourself.

Speaker 49 Well, the next course you'll be glad to hear is the starter.

Speaker 104 Lovely.

Speaker 57 40 minutes in.

Speaker 115 Oh, Jesus Christ, it actually is.

Speaker 41 Sorry, John, go on.

Speaker 152 So, the next course, every year for the past sort of six or seven years, I've lived in Edinburgh when I do the festival with George Egg.

Speaker 85 And Alexon Brogenburn from Portugal.

Speaker 147 Race to that, absolute race to it.

Speaker 117 I backed down.

Speaker 152 And people might know George Egg as the anarchist chef or snack hacker on YouTube. He's got a channel where he hacks snacks, stuff you can sort of do in your car, which appeals to me.

Speaker 25 Are all your friends your favourite YouTubers?

Speaker 152 To an extent.

Speaker 152 I do have a YouTube channel with Alex Horne.

Speaker 139 I do.

Speaker 152 But so he living with him in Edinburgh is just such a treat because AE is a wonderful guy, but also he's not just a brilliant chef, but he loves cooking and he gets excited about you tasting stuff and he likes presenting it to you.

Speaker 152 You know, he's cooked me a six-course meal in Edinburgh before, but what I would like to go for for my starter is what we'd always have for breakfast together, which is George Egg's cuppy egg on veggie haggis with a craft cheese slice, kismot Mr Naga sauce, and a mocha pot coffee with evaporated milk.

Speaker 99 Yeah, sounds very nice.

Speaker 55 It sounds lovely. It does sound lovely.

Speaker 152 So

Speaker 152 I could talk you through it very quickly.

Speaker 77 Yes.

Speaker 152 Cuppy egg, you butter the bottom of a mug, crack an egg into it, put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds. It makes a perfect poached egg, but buttery.

Speaker 152 He puts that on the top of vegetarian haggis, which is sliced into a circle that's been fried.

Speaker 152 Between those is a craft cheese slice.

Speaker 152 And then we went for a curry. in Kismot in Edinburgh and the hot sauce was so nice that we asked if we could take some home with us.

Speaker 152 So they put it in a little plastic pot, and it was so delicious that if you just dip the end of like a fork tine

Speaker 152 into it and dip a bit of the oil off, it's just wonderful on poached eggs or on cheese, like melted cheese.

Speaker 152 So we'd have that for breakfast and make a little coffee in Georgia's got like an espresso-sized mocha pot, and you mix it with evaporated milk and it's just sweet.

Speaker 152 And it's like a sort of shot of sweet coffee goodness. And that will remind me of wonderful mornings in Edinburgh with my dear friends tasting wonderful food.

Speaker 84 That's lovely John and George Egg is a magnificent chef so I imagine that tastes very nice.

Speaker 160 I think a few people in here might try that cuppy egg.

Speaker 53 That sounds like something that...

Speaker 152 He's well the cuppy egg is on his YouTube channel so you can find out how to make cuppy egg. But also that's that naga sauce you can buy.

Speaker 152 If I mention like stuff you can buy, does it fucking ruin it forever for the suppliers? Because they suddenly have a billion orders.

Speaker 121 No, you're going to get some for free.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 152 The audience get them for free?

Speaker 41 No, you won't, not the audience.

Speaker 77 No, they won't.

Speaker 39 But you will, it will turn up on your doorstep probably before you've even got home tonight.

Speaker 152 Well, I don't need any because I've got some.

Speaker 99 Yeah, well bad luck, you're going to get some more.

Speaker 152 But anyway, if you want that delicious chili sauce, it's called Mr. Naga.
And it's basically like sort of chili, it's oil with sort of crushed chilies, but it is fucking delicious.

Speaker 152 But do use with caution for Christ's sake.

Speaker 152 It will bite you on the ass, both literally and in a very horrible way, metaphorically.

Speaker 71 You've had a few nightmares over the years, haven't you?

Speaker 99 With stuff.

Speaker 152 A few close shows.

Speaker 152 But I haven't actually shipped myself since 2002.

Speaker 53 Not true?

Speaker 32 No, it's rumor.

Speaker 77 Oh, okay, yeah.

Speaker 152 Well, there is no need to say, I'd forgotten about that.

Speaker 49 There's no need to say that.

Speaker 25 Just lying. Just lying, John, throwing years around

Speaker 58 so confidently.

Speaker 131 I guess, in a way, does that count as shitting yourself?

Speaker 77 That story?

Speaker 122 I mean, obviously, I'm on the cusp of just describing it.

Speaker 152 I never had that combination again of neck oil and bang bang cauliflower

Speaker 152 with Frank's extra hot wings sauce. It was a fucking car crash.

Speaker 132 Just saying that out loud, of course, no one should have that.

Speaker 77 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 53 Well, I didn't know that.

Speaker 26 Neck oil, bang, bang cauliflower, which sounds like a metaphor for shitting yourself.

Speaker 32 Oh, no, I've done a bang bang cauliflower in my pants.

Speaker 28 Do you want to quickly run through the story?

Speaker 137 Oh, God,

Speaker 152 I had neck oil and bang bang cauliflower.

Speaker 152 And it was just, I was going through a bad period with my guts anyway.

Speaker 152 I was drinking quite a

Speaker 152 it was drinking quite a lot. The cauliflower and the batter was a fucking mistake.
The sauce was just arrogant

Speaker 152 and

Speaker 152 I was in a situation where I couldn't fart freely.

Speaker 152 So I...

Speaker 53 I don't...

Speaker 128 For me, that situation has never existed.

Speaker 62 Oh, come on.

Speaker 72 It was what time in the morning, was it? It was.

Speaker 152 It would have been like 1:30, 200.

Speaker 122 1:30, and you were at the time in a relationship and didn't want to fart in front of them.

Speaker 32 Yeah, even though they were asleep.

Speaker 152 That's as much as I would like to say about that.

Speaker 99 You're a gentleman. Yeah.

Speaker 152 Oh, actually, yeah, I was a gentleman. And what do gentlemen do in that situation?

Speaker 25 They don't fart in the bed.

Speaker 114 They don't fart in the bed.

Speaker 152 They go downstairs, try to fart in some kitchen roll, and shit themselves.

Speaker 152 Have you not read any etiquette guides?

Speaker 61 My favourite thing about that is I understand going downstairs.

Speaker 46 I get that.

Speaker 125 I'll go in another room and I'll fart.

Speaker 128 But then going, I need some sort of muffler.

Speaker 152 I thought he would deaden the sound. It actually turned out to be a masterstroke.

Speaker 6 Our guests. Oh, here we go.
This is the point where the categories get really.

Speaker 3 I can't believe that this is a category.

Speaker 15 Okay,

Speaker 15 I get it now.

Speaker 6 Our guests had plenty of wild stories.

Speaker 16 Like wild animals.

Speaker 11 Nature.

Speaker 11 Is that what you meant?

Speaker 3 No, it's not what you meant.

Speaker 6 He just meant

Speaker 15 I just saw that a couple of them are about animals. I assume they all were.

Speaker 1 Sam Campbell, Lucy Beaumont, Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont again, and Sam Campbell again.

Speaker 24 I'd say the key is just don't turn up the heat too high.

Speaker 93 You've got to low and slow with caramelized onions. It's going to take way longer than you think it's going to be.

Speaker 63 Is it one of these things? Some people are talking about things that take 12 hours to cook. Is that real?

Speaker 120 Not real.

Speaker 68 I think it's real, but not onions.

Speaker 68 I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus, but I wouldn't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do.

Speaker 66 How low would you have to go, heat-wise, to cook them for 12 hours?

Speaker 57 And then they still, how you want them?

Speaker 25 You could put them in the oven, I reckon, overnight on a very, very low heat.

Speaker 26 And it would, I mean, it probably wouldn't caramelize them, but it would bake it overnight.

Speaker 105 Do that with tomatoes, man.

Speaker 26 You do little tomatoes in the oven.

Speaker 107 You're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight. Overnight.

Speaker 31 Pretty cool.

Speaker 48 I wouldn't be able to sleep.

Speaker 107 I wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to sleep.
I think the house is going to catch fire.

Speaker 31 Oh, right. Yeah,

Speaker 62 I thought you meant you'd be so excited about the tomatoes.

Speaker 142 No.

Speaker 36 Well,

Speaker 26 getting at me keep looking through the it's like christmas yeah it is a bit my wife used to share a flat with someone uh he's a lovely man he's still a very good friend but the first night she was sharing the flat with him she was like weirded out because she was in a new place or whatever she got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water about three four in the morning she came into the kitchen and all of the lights were off But he was stood in front of the oven and the light from the oven was just lighting him.

Speaker 26 And he was baking a cake.

Speaker 93 four in the morning completely silently watching a cake bake

Speaker 50 you respect that pretty late for a cake

Speaker 63 so yeah I think half an hour to 45 minutes what's the longest that someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay Wow

Speaker 65 good luck man good luck with this one

Speaker 150 I guess like barbecue like Texas barbecue food, you've probably cooked that for, you know, 15, 16 hours sometimes, with like a brisket or pulled pork.

Speaker 63 Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years? Is that what am I...

Speaker 57 Why are you asking questions? You've already got the answers to them.

Speaker 106 No, I thought he would know.

Speaker 90 You mean like in, I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere where they've...

Speaker 26 It might be in Japan, apologies if I'm wrong, but they've got like a soup that's been cooking for like hundreds or thousands of years.

Speaker 66 Do they ever dip into it?

Speaker 102 Yeah, I think they've.

Speaker 63 No one, they haven't had any yet. I hope it's good.

Speaker 86 But I think that's like, they're adding to it all the time.

Speaker 68 So there's like bits that have been there for that long.

Speaker 24 Like a sourdough starter.

Speaker 122 You know, a sourdough starter, you're just adding to it.

Speaker 63 Didn't someone do that with a rock and it was a trick?

Speaker 138 No, I think you're right. I think it might be a fable or something.

Speaker 96 Do you like a stone soup?

Speaker 102 Yeah. Do you know about this?

Speaker 151 Or the stone soup fable?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 77 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 53 You know this one?

Speaker 99 Yeah, yeah. They keep adding.

Speaker 10 Yeah, they've got that.

Speaker 63 So this guy, he's got like a...

Speaker 74 Okay, Okay, that's not how fables start, sound.

Speaker 99 We don't know how Australian fable came.

Speaker 96 And then there's another...

Speaker 57 I think most Australian fables go start off with this guy or this Sheila.

Speaker 63 There was this fella, and pretty much all he had was a rock. That's all he's got.
Somehow ends up with an incredible meal. How? Here's what he did.

Speaker 128 He went...

Speaker 63 He, so basically he goes, oh my god, we're making this amazing soup. Everyone's got to contribute something.
I've got this rock. What have you got?

Speaker 63 Someone's like, I've got some amazing type of food ham ham I've got some celery celery basically everyone in the community contributes one thing and at the end of it he's got this amazing soup he goes well yeah we've made we've made this and then he got to have some of it

Speaker 53 I had forgot that fable and yeah when you told us

Speaker 122 I like the way you told that fable though as if it was just something your friend told you.

Speaker 93 Can you do the tortoise and the hare for me?

Speaker 63 Basically there was this,

Speaker 63 it was a pretty huge race. I'd be surprised if you didn't hear about it.

Speaker 63 So, yeah, I think a lot of animals were involved. I'm actually not too sure about which other animals were in it.
These two do tend to dominate the story.

Speaker 63 But yeah, a huge race. Everyone thinks the hare is going to win.
Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag.

Speaker 140 This is yours.

Speaker 63 And the tortoise... The tortoise is like, oh, do I even stand a chance? Should I even enter? His coach was like,

Speaker 14 you should do it

Speaker 63 it is for charity and

Speaker 54 yeah

Speaker 5 so yeah beautiful charity and um what charity sorry what charity was did it was the tortoise running for alopecia

Speaker 5 yeah

Speaker 126 it affects tortoises quite badly yeah it does well they

Speaker 146 anyway

Speaker 63 it is is maybe in poor taste to have a hair.

Speaker 58 Would you like crackers to start this?

Speaker 64 No I don't want crackers either.

Speaker 37 I want

Speaker 64 I want bread.

Speaker 37 Right, well what the what the

Speaker 64 I know but I just wondered why it was just Papa Domsar bread, but and I do want bread but I don't want fancy bread.

Speaker 64 What I want is do you know Jackson? Are you allowed to say actual names of things?

Speaker 23 Feel free, yeah.

Speaker 51 It's nice to know you've listened to different episodes.

Speaker 64 Oh no, I've listened to a lot of them. I just can't remember if they've.

Speaker 99 Yeah, you could say, Brad.

Speaker 26 You told us you listened to a lot of episodes

Speaker 32 in a row, didn't you?

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 169 Yeah.

Speaker 181 Can you just tell us what happened?

Speaker 69 Why you ended up listening to Loden?

Speaker 114 Yeah, you listened to quite a lot in a row, didn't you?

Speaker 66 More than you were anticipating.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 64 I got stuck behind a horse.

Speaker 64 God, it was a night.

Speaker 64 It's not yet funny to me.

Speaker 64 Do you know what I mean? This is only a few days ago. Yeah.

Speaker 64 It's bloody hot.

Speaker 64 There's a very large wood where I live, and I couldn't get past the horse. And if I'd have taken a different turn off, I would have had to have gone a long way around.
So I just

Speaker 64 walked behind it.

Speaker 31 Hang on.

Speaker 128 Hang on, this is the second time I'm hearing this story, and this is the first time that I'm realising you were on foot.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I didn't know that. I thought you were in a car on a road behind a horse.

Speaker 122 I didn't know you were in some enchanted woods walking.

Speaker 55 That sounds magical, Lucy.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 68 How do you get stuck behind a horse on foot?

Speaker 64 Well, but I don't have a driver's license, so.

Speaker 40 But

Speaker 32 can't you walk around the horse?

Speaker 64 I didn't want to scare it.

Speaker 64 I just thought, well, I was thinking, she'll notice, because there was a woman on the horse. I was thinking,

Speaker 64 I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past. But

Speaker 64 I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse. And she just didn't for absolutely ages.

Speaker 64 And so I listened to quite a few podcasts.

Speaker 128 So, how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse?

Speaker 64 I think two hours.

Speaker 64 It's a really big wood.

Speaker 101 So, plenty of room to maybe.

Speaker 64 Oh, yeah. And then finally, she noticed me and she moved to the side and she let me pass.
I was like, Thank God for that. And then my shoelace came undone.

Speaker 64 I bent down to do it and just saw this fucking horse just

Speaker 64 go past, and then then, and then, so it happened again. I was behind the horse for ages.
She let me then again go past, and a guy said, Come here, Moosey.

Speaker 64 So, I went to him, and the horse overtook me. Hang on, and he was talking to his dog.
He wasn't,

Speaker 64 he said, I'm talking to my dog love.

Speaker 24 I mean, it's consistent with what happens in a Toby Carvery, isn't it?

Speaker 85 You hear Lucy? Like, yeah.

Speaker 64 Yeah, oh, it was, I was so annoyed when I got home. I was like, she just wasted my day.

Speaker 64 And then I've got to pick my child up from school. Like, the whole day is gone.
I haven't got anything done. I've been like just looking at this horse's ass.

Speaker 73 Joe.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 79 Did someone want to have to do the Heimlich on you?

Speaker 62 Because

Speaker 7 you choked on some big fruit.

Speaker 75 Sorry, Big Troot.

Speaker 59 No.

Speaker 59 No.

Speaker 174 Yes, they did.

Speaker 78 That man is that. It's not the man.
We'll give him a wave.

Speaker 28 Oh, no, yeah, he saved my life.

Speaker 117 He didn't save your life, wasn't he?

Speaker 25 He didn't save your life. His friend, Karosh.

Speaker 125 Kurosh?

Speaker 172 Yeah, where's Karosh? He's down. He's in my...
I can can tell you if he's I've got his phone number here.

Speaker 17 Is he in? So you exchanged numbers not in.

Speaker 94 So you exchanged numbers after.

Speaker 172 I could phone him. Yeah.

Speaker 17 He saved your life.

Speaker 17 Can we get a bit of background on the story before you phone him?

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 119 It's going to be a bit of a weird phone call if we don't know if you're about it.

Speaker 130 Where were you?

Speaker 35 I was at, I was.

Speaker 172 I was in my house and I was...

Speaker 30 What?

Speaker 54 Hang on. I'm glad we got some more background on this story.

Speaker 31 What are you talking about? You're in your house.

Speaker 62 I'm always in my house.

Speaker 83 What do you mean?

Speaker 22 Yeah, but okay, to keep telling the story.

Speaker 172 Why is me being in my house weird?

Speaker 109 Because

Speaker 22 you choked on beetroot, and then a man who I presume you didn't know before called Karosh saved your fucking life.

Speaker 32 Yeah,

Speaker 172 I hardly ever look in the spare room to be fair.

Speaker 174 But that day, I happened to pop in there, and there he was.

Speaker 172 Now, what happened?

Speaker 172 I was cooking, and as i was cooking i like to eat beetroot

Speaker 32 uh okay let's pause before we carry on

Speaker 28 okay there's a lot of pausing and asking you

Speaker 39 no real details are weirder than you think yeah

Speaker 154 okay okay why do we uh why is it beetroot your snack of choice when you're cooking some people drink red wine when they're cooking yeah you eat you eat beef slices of beetroot uh preferably crinkle cup

Speaker 107 well that turned that turned out to be your downfall on this day isn't it oh yeah we'll get there and

Speaker 103 I,

Speaker 29 because

Speaker 84 when I'm cooking, I'm usually hungry.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 76 That's unique, yeah.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 172 I don't know. I've listened to your pod, and I don't know.

Speaker 84 Some people do that as well.

Speaker 172 They cook when they're hungry.

Speaker 149 Paul Rudd.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 172 That's really nice to follow that little what.

Speaker 173 Sauty.

Speaker 172 So

Speaker 172 I was eating beetroot and

Speaker 28 quickly

Speaker 172 because

Speaker 172 I love the stuff and

Speaker 172 it suckered itself into my throat, went

Speaker 172 and I could no longer breathe.

Speaker 172 So I ran out into my garden, I looked at my other half and I thought, she's not going to help

Speaker 35 because she was

Speaker 172 she absolutely loves the book she was reading at the time

Speaker 174 and I thought I doubt she'd put that down yeah do you remember do you remember what the book was

Speaker 148 I think I think it was a Jackie Collins but I couldn't be sure

Speaker 172 was it Petra she's in she'll hate me saying that so I so I thought what do I do and I went a bit matrix I was I started to think for the first time in my life

Speaker 157 that's matrix that's that's what you call going a bit matrix.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Suddenly you knew the appropriate term for a lamp.

Speaker 154 Tapped into something higher than myself here.

Speaker 172 And I picked up the pace. It was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway.

Speaker 103 And

Speaker 172 I ran outside. And

Speaker 5 so you went into the garden, looked at your partner, ran back inside again, and out the front door.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 17 And you got like just red red just pouring down your beard I'd imagine.

Speaker 172 Well it it wasn't because

Speaker 172 I'm very

Speaker 172 because I've eaten a lot of beetroot I'm like

Speaker 35 I'm I'm I tend to be good at it.

Speaker 67 Yeah it's just this one time.

Speaker 51 It nearly killed you. Yeah.

Speaker 172 To be fair there was not a drop on me.

Speaker 125 So I ran out.

Speaker 172 This is in COVID as well, so no one was about. So I thought it's probably not the best idea.

Speaker 172 But Metis

Speaker 172 had broken all the rules and was out and I was like

Speaker 172 you can save my life but I'm not happy about it and

Speaker 91 I reported him later

Speaker 40 he got four months

Speaker 172 and I was he was a big lad he's a big lad isn't he he's a big lad he's about six well very strong muscular arms if I remember right

Speaker 172 and I was pointing at my throat and he went and I was like, there's nothing else I can do here.

Speaker 172 And then I remember him saying,

Speaker 172 I can't do the, he said, I can't do the Heimlich. And I was, well, you're going to have to learn.

Speaker 29 So we both googled.

Speaker 172 He had better 5G than me.

Speaker 172 So

Speaker 172 he just picked me up like a ragdoll and then

Speaker 172 shook me and then it shot out and hit the side of a car.

Speaker 67 I wasn't expecting to tell that.

Speaker 28 Is this how the pods should start?

Speaker 62 I don't know.

Speaker 38 And then you exchange numbers after that.

Speaker 172 Yes, I've got him down in my phone as lifesaver.

Speaker 172 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 62 What a guy I am.

Speaker 150 To him, I meant.

Speaker 120 Call him.

Speaker 32 Nah.

Speaker 138 Do you chap much with Lifesavers?

Speaker 28 Not as much as I should.

Speaker 57 Every time you're eating some beetroots, take a selfie of yourself.

Speaker 106 Guess what? I hope you're nearby.

Speaker 172 Yeah, I've got him as my emergency number now, because

Speaker 172 I've swapped him for my wife.

Speaker 172 Yeah, so yeah, that happened.

Speaker 11 That's weird. Do you still eat beetroot?

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 172 Someone told me, I was talking to to my neighbour about it the following day and I was telling her, and she said, oh, I have a friend of hers and she had problems eating for like months.

Speaker 172 She had to go have therapy about it. I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes.

Speaker 174 To the point, my missus is like, Christ, you don't learn.

Speaker 64 And I'd like them so I can have different, I'd like a few soups. Judge, who wants one soup, one type of soup?

Speaker 17 Most people.

Speaker 5 So you've got all these

Speaker 83 Yorkshire puddings with the cottage pie in them. It's got a bit of joking in them.

Speaker 31 Have you had that before?

Speaker 83 Is that something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie in the Yorkshire puddings?

Speaker 171 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 122 And the soup, and then you also want about the same size?

Speaker 64 Yeah, please, yeah.

Speaker 79 In the Yorkshire puddings again.

Speaker 66 Soup in the Yorkshire puddings. Yeah.

Speaker 171 It's all in these little Yorkshire puddings.

Speaker 141 Do you want to take us through the soups that you want?

Speaker 64 I really like mushroom soup. Yeah.

Speaker 64 It's brilliant.

Speaker 101 So, mushroom soup in one of them?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 64 I had an incident.

Speaker 106 Can I just check?

Speaker 128 I can't wait to hear, but I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in.

Speaker 69 Do you have an incident per soup?

Speaker 128 No. No, so just mushroom soup.

Speaker 26 I'd love to hear it.

Speaker 64 Do you know during lockdown that

Speaker 64 you know that nice bit where everyone was dying, but it was sunny?

Speaker 26 I mean, yeah, I do know the bit you mean.

Speaker 68 I'm going to say, if you say that in the future,

Speaker 26 sunny should come after the nice bit.

Speaker 26 The nice bit where it was sunny, but unfortunately, everyone was dying.

Speaker 69 That's the order I'd do it in.

Speaker 64 Well, every morning I would open the curtains and I see on the lawn this little bird, and it was there every morning.

Speaker 124 And I was

Speaker 20 like that.

Speaker 64 And I'd go downstairs and go, oh, that little bird was there. And then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot.

Speaker 124 And so I went onto the lawn.

Speaker 64 It was a mushroom.

Speaker 64 I don't know what I'm going to do.

Speaker 5 I mean,

Speaker 71 I would say,

Speaker 122 obviously there's a lot to say about that.

Speaker 38 I think the fact that for days you mistook a mushroom for a bird and talked to it is pretty big news.

Speaker 61 Went downstairs every day when I saw the little bird again.

Speaker 57 Yeah,

Speaker 57 would tell your husband, I saw the little bird again.

Speaker 122 But I would also say that story doesn't need the context of, do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone was.

Speaker 65 I don't think it needed that.

Speaker 77 I think you could have said that happened at any point.

Speaker 106 Didn't need to know it was locked down.

Speaker 65 I didn't think it needed, like, in the background

Speaker 83 just that knowledge that everyone was dying.

Speaker 128 Do you think you have a unique stink, Sam?

Speaker 63 It was in my scent.

Speaker 58 Yeah, do you have a natural scent that is unique to you?

Speaker 79 I do. I mean, you know, I live in a corporate new build these days.

Speaker 63 Yes. And it has a treadmill.

Speaker 91 I've been trying to run, I'm working my way, I'm trying to run 10 kilometers every day. That's pretty good.

Speaker 63 And after that, I do, and I often get lost in my building.

Speaker 91 Like, I haven't really figured it out yet.

Speaker 32 I'll walk around.

Speaker 94 Are you running on the treadmill or around the building for 10k?

Speaker 63 It's just a complicated building. I think they like...

Speaker 63 It's only at 30% capacity and it's getting...

Speaker 63 There's some weird stuff going on where I live.

Speaker 89 Like what sort of weird stuff?

Speaker 63 There's no lights in the gym, so I run in complete darkness.

Speaker 94 Are you supposed to be living in this building?

Speaker 68 Because to me, it sounds like you've moved into like

Speaker 26 a show property.

Speaker 68 You know, when they build the flats, first of all, and they deck some of them out with, like, furniture to show you what it would be like if you bought them, but it'll say, opening in 2026.

Speaker 25 Have you just moved in?

Speaker 63 This explains why a lot of my flatmates are going to cut out people.

Speaker 63 No, it's real. It's the real deal.

Speaker 62 It's the real deal, yeah.

Speaker 150 It's at 30% capacity.

Speaker 79 Yeah. Have you met everyone else who lives there?

Speaker 63 I've met a few, and it's pet-friendly.

Speaker 63 I don't have a pet, but I'm going to, they're having soon the meet the pets event.

Speaker 85 And I'm going to, you know, they can't stop me from going to that.

Speaker 63 Yeah. But yeah, after I run, I do.
I do.

Speaker 146 You stink.

Speaker 32 Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.

Speaker 28 Do you stink or do you?

Speaker 47 Yeah, I stink sometimes. Yeah.

Speaker 66 Is the meet the pets event in a room that has lights, or is it in complete darkness again, and you have to feel the pet and guess which pet it is?

Speaker 30 That's got him, isn't it?

Speaker 63 Man, that is so messed up. Imagine going to a fully in darkness meet the pet event.

Speaker 145 Your mind

Speaker 26 If you went to a fully in darkness meet the pet event, what would be your favourite animal?

Speaker 32 Eel!

Speaker 68 That would be your favourite animal to meet, would it, in the dark?

Speaker 74 To touch.

Speaker 25 To touch in the dark would be an eel.

Speaker 97 I mean,

Speaker 77 this is.

Speaker 71 I would worry the lights would come up on no one's got an eel.

Speaker 63 And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But make this the whole show.

Speaker 32 It's darkness.

Speaker 63 It's pets in the darkness. This is nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 84 Do you think you could identify different people's, like what animals they were in the dark if you touched them?

Speaker 63 I think most of them I'd go, okay, yeah.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 63 I'd struggle with some of the breeds.

Speaker 62 Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Like we think Jack Russell, but you know, let's see.

Speaker 66 And then here's the twist of the meeting pets in the dark event in your building.

Speaker 121 So, all the pets are at one side of the room, and you go and feel them, and the owners are at the other side of the room, and you have to feel them and then match them up with it.

Speaker 119 You could do that?

Speaker 57 What would be your technique of the way you'd figure out?

Speaker 31 Sorry, I've just seen two people leave.

Speaker 94 It was me who did it, Sam.

Speaker 123 That's not on you, buddy.

Speaker 98 I imagine that's the point.

Speaker 61 Where are you going? We're going to get...

Speaker 63 We need to grab the cockatiel.

Speaker 63 Wow.

Speaker 63 So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then matching. I don't know if I'd be good at matching the owner and the pet.

Speaker 62 But what would be, I mean,

Speaker 66 you're doing well on Taskmaster right now. You've won a few

Speaker 66 of those.

Speaker 104 So, like, if that's a task, how are you?

Speaker 63 Am I allowed to speak to the pet?

Speaker 66 Yeah, that's the one you'd want to speak to, I guess.

Speaker 62 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 58 you can speak to one of them, and you've chosen the pet, yeah.

Speaker 57 That is, yeah, that's one of the rules: is that

Speaker 66 you can either speak to the pet or the owner, but you can't speak to both of them.

Speaker 63 I think I know. Hold on, can I change my answer? I will talk to the owner.

Speaker 16 But perhaps the wildest of them all and the most popular was Tommy Tiernan in Dublin.

Speaker 83 Main course, Tommy?

Speaker 78 I'm not

Speaker 180 interested in that question, but I would like to

Speaker 180 my dream main course would be again,

Speaker 180 I'm not mad for

Speaker 180 I'm not mad for meat.

Speaker 180 I prefer not to eat meat. It's not a I'm not a vegetarian or anything.

Speaker 180 I don't think you're actually eating a cow.

Speaker 180 Like it was a cow, but it's fucking not a cow now.

Speaker 180 It won't be a cow

Speaker 5 tomorrow. It won't

Speaker 180 it'll be something else tomorrow. I wouldn't eat a cow.
I wouldn't have the

Speaker 130 nerve

Speaker 148 to go up to a cow and just start eating it.

Speaker 180 I wouldn't do that. Nobody would.

Speaker 180 I wouldn't even do it to like a chicken or

Speaker 180 but once it's like what's on the plate is not the thing that was in the field. But I still don't.

Speaker 64 I would eat

Speaker 180 a chicken if it was somehow in the shape of a baby.

Speaker 180 I bet they could do that. I fucking bet they could do that.
They could genetically, I'd not,

Speaker 180 it would still taste like chicken, but it would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, what the fuck is he eating?

Speaker 135 Like, you imagine that would be quite easily done.

Speaker 180 Like, a plump roast chicken lying on its back would not need that much work

Speaker 113 to look like a baby.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 34 And people would be going, going, is he fucking, what's the fuck? Is he on?

Speaker 34 I think he's eating a baby.

Speaker 41 So

Speaker 102 let's just park that for the moment.

Speaker 154 Don't make that weird with any of your questions.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 51 Sorry, I've got nothing to add there.

Speaker 180 But I would be a big fan of roast potatoes.

Speaker 180 So I love roast potatoes and like I said, a very simple taste when it comes to food. So, roast potatoes don't matter how badly they're roasted, overdone, underdone, rightly done,

Speaker 180 it almost even doesn't matter what's on them. Rosemary or salt.

Speaker 155 I was going to say Maura, Sandra, Trassa.

Speaker 180 I like to pull potatoes out of the lid.

Speaker 32 Who's this guy? Yeah.

Speaker 32 I like this guy.

Speaker 180 Puts him back in the genie bottle.

Speaker 23 I like him.

Speaker 149 Who is he?

Speaker 125 He's fucking maddies.

Speaker 180 What was I talking about? Rosemary, roast potatoes, yeah. So it doesn't matter.

Speaker 62 Good point of that guy.

Speaker 180 It doesn't matter what's on the potatoes as long as they're roasted. and I love them.

Speaker 180 I'd almost eat them as

Speaker 180 all the time as

Speaker 180 everything. Like get up in the morning

Speaker 180 and just, you know,

Speaker 89 have two.

Speaker 180 And then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether. And then in the evening have about seven

Speaker 180 and one going to bed. I fucking love roast potatoes.

Speaker 102 And I'd like when parsnips are roasted,

Speaker 180 little slivery kind of with the, do you know when they're almost over-roasted? And they've this almost like this

Speaker 32 a tail, a little

Speaker 180 wisp of something defiantly burnt but still parsnippy.

Speaker 35 And

Speaker 180 carrots, I do roast carrots. Sometimes they put a honey thing on.
I fucking discovered this popcorn recently that has blown my mind.

Speaker 180 Kills, have you heard of kills? You have to eat these before you go back to any cues, kills.

Speaker 180 Kills.

Speaker 66 Well, this episode is going to be released audio.

Speaker 39 I can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like, you've done a mad job editing this because

Speaker 117 you've clearly missed out a bit.

Speaker 151 He was talking about all the most vegetables he likes, and then you just hard cut him and talk about popcorn.

Speaker 30 So

Speaker 39 we're going to have to go on that.

Speaker 154 No, no, that is what's fine.

Speaker 77 We were not

Speaker 32 popcorn immediately.

Speaker 135 No, there is a link, and the link is that Kyo's do this new popcorn now.

Speaker 180 Well, I only discovered it like two or three weeks ago. It's honey and sea salt fucking popcorn.

Speaker 180 Like, these people have nothing better to be doing

Speaker 180 than just thinking the shit to put on popcorn. It is delicious.
So I would, the carrots would have

Speaker 180 a kind of a honey. Don't the carrots have a honey glaze on them sometimes?

Speaker 173 I kind of like burnt food.

Speaker 78 I like, you know,

Speaker 139 food that's just fucking, it's like

Speaker 180 annoyed at you.

Speaker 135 That's what burnt food is, isn't it?

Speaker 165 Burnt food is kind of like, fuck you.

Speaker 61 Isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 180 Like when you're having rashers, like a good bit of the rasher can be all right.

Speaker 32 And then towards the end, it's going, oh, fuck you.

Speaker 180 So I like my main course would be

Speaker 180 mainly veg, but if possible, chicken in the shape of a baby.

Speaker 9 Oh, thank you, Tommy.

Speaker 15 So many complaints.

Speaker 80 My baby.

Speaker 20 The fucking baby, is that? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Fucking hell, that's the most unlaughtable tour, actually.

Speaker 13 I was going to turn back.

Speaker 111 I've never eaten the fucking baby.

Speaker 6 Here we go.

Speaker 5 This is my favourite category so far.

Speaker 13 Fucking hell.

Speaker 168 But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh.

Speaker 9 He'd beat it, he'd been laughed once.

Speaker 80 What was he writing that down for?

Speaker 9 He didn't have a laugh the whole tour.

Speaker 6 He had a little smile when we were in the house.

Speaker 3 He had a little smile. Whenever things were going wrong for us, he'd had a little smile on his face.

Speaker 9 But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh.

Speaker 1 Matthew Bainson, Jessica Nappet, Mike Wozniak, Ian Sterling, Matthew Bainson, Jessica Nappet again, Mike Wozniak, and Ellis James.

Speaker 54 Do you want to hear about the catcher?

Speaker 110 I'd heard somewhere that it's like the test of a really good pastor chef is cacho epe.

Speaker 110 And I had no idea why, and I had never had it up to a point where I was in Los Angeles for the and it was the first time I'd been there and I had like a quite sort of dispiriting week of meetings with people that were aimless and didn't lead to anything and it was like the last day of this

Speaker 110 and I came out of this meeting really really really early

Speaker 110 and I had a car booked for like two hours later to take me to the airport and I was like, oh fuck, I've got nothing to do.

Speaker 110 And you can't walk walk anywhere in LA or you can try but it will just be you and homeless people everyone else is driving but there was a restaurant like on the block so I thought oh fuck it I'll go in there and Cacho Pepe was on the menu and I thought oh I've heard that's sort of you find out if if the chef's really good and it was just amazing and after that it became a sort of thing of like anywhere where it was on the menu I wanted it.

Speaker 15 Do the chefs know that you're testing them every time you order it?

Speaker 110 I mean that's the case in any thing you order in a place.

Speaker 67 I suppose so.

Speaker 145 The general idea is

Speaker 151 I want to like it.

Speaker 55 I guess I don't see my relationship with hospitality like that, that the chef better be on his fucking toes.

Speaker 96 It's exactly chef.

Speaker 28 Yeah, true.

Speaker 91 I just,

Speaker 110 I kind of liked the story of it.

Speaker 62 Like, that's meant to be the one that you can.

Speaker 167 If you can nail that, you can nail anything.

Speaker 110 And apparently, it's all about the amount of

Speaker 110 salty water that you've made the pasta in. You've got to reserve a bit of that broth.
It's got to be just the right amount and just the right temperature when you add the cheese. Can't be too hot.

Speaker 110 Can't be too much. It'll go watery too much, you know, not enough and it's just going to be kind of thick and gloopy.
You've got to get it just right. And it's amazing if you do.

Speaker 95 Every time you've had a catcher pepe in a restaurant, do you walk into the kitchen afterwards and go, you pass the test?

Speaker 20 You

Speaker 95 are the chef.

Speaker 110 I think on that occasion, the first one I've had, I did actually say, can you tell the chef that was incredible?

Speaker 5 That's good.

Speaker 110 I don't think I've ever done that, you know.

Speaker 110 Compliments to the chef.

Speaker 66 Please tell the chef.

Speaker 18 Now who's the asshole in the restaurant?

Speaker 125 They know.

Speaker 110 The thing is, when you guys go to a restaurant now they must be thinking that.

Speaker 110 You must be treated like food critics now.

Speaker 14 Is that true for you James?

Speaker 73 Yes.

Speaker 79 Every time I go to, especially if it's a dessert,

Speaker 95 the place we went to today, the person came out, the chef and said, I listen to off-menu.

Speaker 171 Thank you.

Speaker 95 He went, Two Tim and Masseus?

Speaker 83 Well actually, he said, do you want to Tim and Masseu? And my dad went, two please.

Speaker 50 Nice.

Speaker 110 That's just reminded me of a time I was at a cafe with Ben Wilbond, who's another

Speaker 110 of the ghosts gang.

Speaker 84 Does he believe in ghosts?

Speaker 110 You'll have to ask him.

Speaker 32 And

Speaker 110 we ordered some food, and the waitress, when she came over, put the plates in front of us and went, Couple of tarts.

Speaker 35 And it was that on edge that to this day it still comes up.

Speaker 110 Do you think she meant

Speaker 110 there was just momentary eye contacts? Yes.

Speaker 110 A couple of tarts.

Speaker 26 She must just push it further and further every day, I think.

Speaker 25 I think she's trying to get further.

Speaker 62 To clarify, we had ordered tarts.

Speaker 89 Yes. That's an important thing.

Speaker 62 We had ordered tarts.

Speaker 5 She didn't put down caccio pepper and go,

Speaker 89 couple of tarts.

Speaker 31 A couple of fucking slacks there.

Speaker 156 Did she mean to do that?

Speaker 38 We have a similar thing in my family that we still talk about.

Speaker 83 Because years ago, we went to, we used to live in Banbury.

Speaker 154 And

Speaker 160 we went back there as a family,

Speaker 20 just to like, you know, old stomping ground.

Speaker 57 Went to this tea room,

Speaker 83 ordered a a round of Banbury cakes, what Bamburi's famous for.

Speaker 66 There's one lady working there, like oldest lady you've ever seen,

Speaker 71 and she bought out all the Banbury cakes from a circular table.

Speaker 95 And she

Speaker 72 gave me her.

Speaker 84 And then my brother was the far end, so she went, she went, here's your Banbury cake, and then farted so loud

Speaker 38 and then like claimed it as well.

Speaker 83 So she went, here's your bamboo cake.

Speaker 83 Pardon me?

Speaker 83 And

Speaker 89 is that now what you say when you?

Speaker 79 Yeah, here's your bamboo cake.

Speaker 114 It's still a thing in my household.

Speaker 138 Do you say it before you fart?

Speaker 62 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Because also she was looking dead at him.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 79 Here's your bamboo cake.

Speaker 17 It was so disrespectful.

Speaker 17 My mum was like crying with laughter.

Speaker 57 She hadn't even left the table yet because she's a very slow old lady.

Speaker 38 So she's still like doddering round to leave and my mum's

Speaker 62 streaming.

Speaker 74 I'm going to spend the rest of this conversation fixated on trying to fart.

Speaker 62 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 57 You won't be the first guest.

Speaker 69 There's no, and there's no doubting what happened there.

Speaker 26 It's not like the couple of tart situation.

Speaker 26 That lady farted, she said, excuse me, and then she left the table.

Speaker 55 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 67 There's no going, did you.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 35 But no, but the analogy would be if she meant to say, here's your Banberry cake and then farts.

Speaker 110 Like, if she meant to call it that.

Speaker 38 But this will be funny.

Speaker 54 But yeah.

Speaker 90 To say, here's your Banberry cake and farts.

Speaker 54 And I'm guessing she didn't.

Speaker 38 Guessing that she didn't. We all just thought it was very funny, apart from my dad was very straight-faced and looking at us like, there's nothing funny about this.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Because your dad can't focus on anything if someone puts a fucking pudding down in front of him.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 36 He's like, the cakes are here.

Speaker 38 It's a no-laughing matter.

Speaker 99 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 35 Every time there's a pause, it's the perfect.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 69 You just could just do a big fart. No.

Speaker 110 No,

Speaker 110 I haven't got one.

Speaker 83 Give it time, man. Give it time.

Speaker 30 Feel free.

Speaker 64 Actually,

Speaker 64 if you want to know,

Speaker 64 we've sort of hacked

Speaker 64 the hell of family cooking,

Speaker 64 which is

Speaker 64 that we have pretty much the same meal on the same day every week.

Speaker 69 Yes, I'd say you've created a new hell.

Speaker 64 Okay, so tell me honestly if this sounds like hell. And I don't mind if the answer is yes.
Macaroni Monday.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 48 Yes, you you just said it like you hate it.

Speaker 64 That was actually smug Jess.

Speaker 32 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 154 Is this fat macaroni Monday or just normal macaroni?

Speaker 64 You can have, no, it's little macaroni. Mac and cheese?

Speaker 54 Yeah, mac and cheese.

Speaker 58 So macaroni Monday, are they all going to be alliterative?

Speaker 64 We tried.

Speaker 64 Taco Tuesday.

Speaker 53 Yeah, obviously.

Speaker 85 Love taco Tuesday.

Speaker 25 That's great.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 14 What do you think Wednesday is?

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 106 walnut Whips?

Speaker 43 No.

Speaker 53 That's what you'd have in your house.

Speaker 126 Yeah, Walnut Whip Wednesday.

Speaker 151 I'm like, it's alliterative.

Speaker 5 What can we do?

Speaker 149 Wensleydale Wednesday?

Speaker 99 No. Almost sounds like it.

Speaker 64 Does anyone want to have a guess?

Speaker 98 Wings.

Speaker 113 Wings are Wellington.

Speaker 111 Wings is a great shout.

Speaker 139 Have you not thought about wings?

Speaker 133 No.

Speaker 96 Someone suggested Wellington.

Speaker 23 It's a Wellington.

Speaker 107 A Wellington every week would be real.

Speaker 64 It's very labour intensive, a Wellington every day.

Speaker 132 A Wellington a week.

Speaker 4 Wine.

Speaker 64 It's actually wedges.

Speaker 26 I don't know why Smug Jess is back.

Speaker 160 Smugjess

Speaker 154 to live in an American bar.

Speaker 109 It's actually wedges.

Speaker 41 Have mac and cheese.

Speaker 163 Tacos.

Speaker 64 But I have an American husband. Yeah.
So yeah, we sort of do live in American bar, really.

Speaker 77 Playing pool and stuff. Tequila Thursday as well as no, I guess.

Speaker 41 Should I keep wedging?

Speaker 131 Yes.

Speaker 129 Oh, but you must keep going.

Speaker 5 You must keep going. So we've got wedge Wednesday.

Speaker 25 So you have wedges every Wednesday.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 64 It's sort of like we'll have

Speaker 64 like a meat thing.

Speaker 64 We basically just have like meat and two veg.

Speaker 64 But meat and veg and wedge.

Speaker 51 Meat and veg and wedge. Yeah.

Speaker 138 So it doesn't wedges don't constitute the whole meal.

Speaker 60 No.

Speaker 25 But wedges will make an appearance.

Speaker 64 Yeah, we know that the wedge is going to make an appearance.

Speaker 97 Because it's Wednesday. Yeah.

Speaker 166 because it's Wednesday.

Speaker 64 But James, you don't understand until you have to cook for

Speaker 181 like

Speaker 64 people that don't really eat, you know, a six-year-old and a one-year-old. It's destroyed cooking for me.

Speaker 64 I mean, no offence to them.

Speaker 30 All bread.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 64 But you can't just, it's so hard to think. Like, you know, you've been working all day and you just, the hardest part is thinking, what shall I make for tea? Yeah.

Speaker 53 But that's, I guess, my point would be maybe make the main bit of the meal the bit that repeats every week and not the side

Speaker 62 because you are.

Speaker 64 You won't be alliterative, James.

Speaker 98 I know.

Speaker 106 Because you are still having to decide what you cook every Wednesday, aren't you?

Speaker 64 Yeah, Wednesdays, actually, when Wednesdays come around,

Speaker 64 it's not great.

Speaker 128 Could you bring in wings, maybe

Speaker 128 wings and wedges every Wednesday?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 64 That's actually a really good idea, thank you.

Speaker 167 How's the one-year-old going to deal with wings?

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 53 I feel like, in Jessica Defence, you really set her up there.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 39 You talked her into wings, and then you went, haha, gotcha, motherfucker. There's a one-year-old in play.

Speaker 126 You forgot that.

Speaker 128 Well, I was just thinking, I don't know about one-year-olds, but I don't know.

Speaker 167 I can't imagine a one-year-old eating a wing.

Speaker 104 I can't imagine that.

Speaker 131 Rotating it.

Speaker 64 No,

Speaker 64 we're going to be, yeah, we're going to be peeling the meat off the wing.

Speaker 170 Actually, she didn't eat chicken.

Speaker 20 Tricky.

Speaker 31 What's Thursday?

Speaker 127 Thursday, I'm interested to see if you've gone for a T sound or an F sound here.

Speaker 99 F.

Speaker 25 Well, because Thursday sounds like, so said out loud.

Speaker 161 Said out loud. I hate to tell you this.

Speaker 5 It doesn't sound like that at all.

Speaker 53 Thursday?

Speaker 58 Yeah, you say Thursday wrong.

Speaker 66 Thursday.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Thursday. Thursday night.

Speaker 5 Thursday.

Speaker 160 Thursday.

Speaker 39 Okay, a th noise then.

Speaker 138 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Sorry.

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 175 yeah, okay.

Speaker 64 Well, I don't feel like that is being pinnikety. That is just, it just does start with a th.

Speaker 120 Well, technically, there's an R at the end of bastard.

Speaker 32 Bastard.

Speaker 117 I know shit, but it's at the end.

Speaker 121 Well, I can't get you on that.

Speaker 154 You're saying it right, bastard.

Speaker 151 He's wrong.

Speaker 1 It's Fin Crust Thursday, okay?

Speaker 31 It's Finn Crush.

Speaker 98 It's Fin Crust Thursday. That's great.

Speaker 120 Thin Crust Thursday is great.

Speaker 68 Sorry, James. Fin Crust Thursday.

Speaker 53 I would say Fin Crust Thursday.

Speaker 132 Yeah, I know you would.

Speaker 96 So we're sticking with the bar food, aren't we?

Speaker 64 Not on Fish Friday.

Speaker 46 Fish Friday.

Speaker 26 That's very traditional.

Speaker 167 That's great.

Speaker 64 Yeah, that is traditional. Is it fish and chips? Which sometimes it will be, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 26 Ever go fish and wedges on Wednesday and then fish and wedges on Friday?

Speaker 64 Well, yeah, sometimes that has hit us.

Speaker 31 But we're magical, right?

Speaker 141 We're in the magical genie. So can I upgrade sparkling to sort of

Speaker 29 fizzy lifting water?

Speaker 53 Are we going like from channeling chocolate pantry?

Speaker 25 Yeah, fizzy lifting water.

Speaker 141 Because presumably I'm just on my own in the restaurant, as I've always imagined.

Speaker 10 Whatever you want.

Speaker 151 Is that right?

Speaker 115 If you want that, if you want to be alone. Yeah.

Speaker 97 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 26 So why does the fizzy lifting water directly tie into the fact you're alone?

Speaker 167 Because you don't want anyone else to experience the fizzy lifting water.

Speaker 141 Well, two reasons. One, there's like, I've got a bit of time to kill before, you know, the food comes, right?

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 141 So if you've got a bit of time to kill, why not kill it flying?

Speaker 148 And secondly, there's obviously there's the indignity of how you descend with the

Speaker 141 fizzy lifting drink.

Speaker 29 And

Speaker 84 I'd rather that was in private.

Speaker 51 We all know what happens

Speaker 55 when you do things like that. It's a mess.

Speaker 53 But they burp, don't they?

Speaker 31 Yeah, they burp. They burp.

Speaker 97 In the movie, they do.

Speaker 148 They burp. In the book,

Speaker 141 I think in the book, even a, I think an umpalumpa dies during the testing process.

Speaker 148 Do people remember that? There's a...

Speaker 141 I'm pretty sure an umper lumpa is accidentally, they haven't got the dose right, and they accidentally fire an umpalumpa into space.

Speaker 94 I don't know why all these wokies have edited Roald Dahl.

Speaker 151 Kids would love that stuff.

Speaker 32 Wow. Is that right?

Speaker 150 I may have misremembered that.

Speaker 107 The guy's been in space and it dies.

Speaker 173 He's, well, I think he's presumed dead.

Speaker 32 Yeah. They don't come with the dead.

Speaker 23 He's launched.

Speaker 141 He passes through outer orbits. And then after, I think

Speaker 141 after that, your chances are slim.

Speaker 51 John Onka's a rich guy, isn't he?

Speaker 26 He's not going to spend any money on trying to get that.

Speaker 139 Yeah, he's got a lot of overheads, hasn't he, though?

Speaker 146 That's the thing.

Speaker 141 It stacks up.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 141 And he always gave the impression that the Imperumpers were willing, but that's...

Speaker 141 I'd quite like to see the Imperumpas

Speaker 173 sort of perspective on that situation.

Speaker 44 Do you think it'll be fun flying for the first time completely alone? Do you think it might be more fun to fly with other people?

Speaker 66 Wife and children?

Speaker 124 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 138 Because Charlie Bucket's with

Speaker 25 his grandpa, isn't he?

Speaker 141 The problem is I'm quite sort of risk-averse generally in life.

Speaker 141 So I think if I was with my wife and children, I'd be worried about one of them sort of going off into an electricity pylon or something like that. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 141 Or sort of finding their way into the wrong end of a Chinook.

Speaker 31 And I'd kind of...

Speaker 35 I think the go one, I'd at least

Speaker 141 go solo. I mean, I trust my wife, I mean, she's up to hell hell what she's, you know, that's fine, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 25 But uh, it's nice to flesh out what's in your dream restaurant as well, Mike.

Speaker 26 We've got electricity pylons and a Chinook flying over there,

Speaker 76 yeah.

Speaker 173 Yeah, I very much imagined it on the sort of Wiltshire sort of uh

Speaker 141 sort of armaments testing grounds. Yeah,

Speaker 151 but revolving, right? It is revolving, yeah, yeah, sure, yeah, of course.

Speaker 50 Great.

Speaker 161 He wouldn't want your grandfather to fly with you, What's that?

Speaker 39 Well, Charlie Bucket has his grandfather.

Speaker 62 All right, my grandfather?

Speaker 120 Well,

Speaker 28 he's long dead, my friend.

Speaker 31 Yeah, but.

Speaker 132 But this is the dream restaurant, Mike. The dream restaurant.

Speaker 115 We can bring him back to life.

Speaker 173 No, but it's not the necromancer's restaurant, is it?

Speaker 31 Can be. I'm quite happy.

Speaker 91 I mean, I'm missing, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 26 That would be awful if you brought your granddad back to life and then he went immediately into the blades of a Chinook.

Speaker 45 It's so great to see you.

Speaker 148 Happens twice as well, that's two red blades.

Speaker 141 Coarse mincing and then a fine mincing immediately afterwards.

Speaker 32 There's no grandmother.

Speaker 119 Flung into the.

Speaker 176 Yeah.

Speaker 153 And then you're more getting sparkling water because I'm not a king.

Speaker 157 I love you, I've got I've got a mate called

Speaker 153 and I remember what I never forgot it when we were at a stagdo once when I was like 24 young

Speaker 153 marriage it's ended now obviously

Speaker 117 I was gonna ask how did it work out for the couple

Speaker 26 don't get imagined it's relevant to the story I'd like to know if it ended in divorce or not I feel like if we just sat here in silence and watched you you'd just tell us every single secret yeah you're you're a journalist's dream

Speaker 39 Ian was telling us earlier that he's got to do promo for his tour, like we all do.

Speaker 154 And now we're having this interview with you.

Speaker 53 Um, I think you should have a PR person in the room with you while you're doing the interview because literally all they have to do is ask you one question and sit back, and you'll have yourself cancelled in five minutes.

Speaker 153 Now, I hate to break it to you, but after BBC leads three years ago, that is what happens.

Speaker 159 His name's

Speaker 31 no, wait, no, wait,

Speaker 153 it doesn't matter about his surname.

Speaker 163 Is this the groom?

Speaker 153 That was the groom, yeah. He got married at 24, and he said he got married too young, and everyone's presents were shite because they were skin.

Speaker 153 That's why you shouldn't get married when you're young.

Speaker 153 Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is we're at the stag do, and the couple next to us ordered sparkling water, and then

Speaker 153 my friend

Speaker 107 said,

Speaker 107 His name's changed.

Speaker 98 No, this is another person in the stag.

Speaker 39 Coming up, I guess.

Speaker 153 Does something, yeah.

Speaker 53 There's you

Speaker 119 so far.

Speaker 153 I'm at the table.

Speaker 153 It's a young stag dude. Loads of people.
That's the one benefit of getting married young is loads of people come to the stag.

Speaker 32 Right, you got loads of mate. So we've got

Speaker 41 you.

Speaker 129 Who else have we got on the stag?

Speaker 124 Was there?

Speaker 44 Was there, obviously.

Speaker 32 Fucking how old?

Speaker 5 Yeah, well, mate.

Speaker 77 He's 36 now.

Speaker 28 He works for.

Speaker 153 actually, I can't say. No,

Speaker 59 no way.

Speaker 106 No, can we actually take that out?

Speaker 108 Yeah, sure. Can we actually take that out?

Speaker 136 Don't complete that sentence in your head.

Speaker 22 That's worse.

Speaker 106 We can take it out the recording, Ian, but you do know these.

Speaker 153 No, no, they're fine. They'll forget.

Speaker 85 You know, we don't have a men in black machine.

Speaker 31 We can't.

Speaker 104 Oh, I wish so bad we had men in black machines.

Speaker 104 So b

Speaker 153 there's loads of other drumming to go for everyone.

Speaker 4 Yes,

Speaker 31 in their name.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 153 You're on an English one, but he's ginger, so it's allowed.

Speaker 130 So,

Speaker 153 right, final, he was a he's self-employed now.

Speaker 153 I bet. Because he went on a stag do, but then he stayed in Marbea for a week after, and they sacked him.

Speaker 115 Is this a different stag do? Well, the same one.

Speaker 153 That's a different one. Yeah.

Speaker 41 Different one.

Speaker 126 That wasn't even masked.

Speaker 5 I don't even know that one.

Speaker 153 That was a friend of a friend.

Speaker 138 It's amazing that storytelling is essentially your career, Ian, because

Speaker 153 I'm more one-liner voiceover out of sight these days.

Speaker 153 So, let's come

Speaker 106 story short, trust me, this has been worth it.

Speaker 153 Got annoyed that they'd ordered sparkling water, yes, yeah, and they said, What has annoyed you about that? And he went,

Speaker 153 I don't know, I can't put my finger on it, it just annoys me. And then that's when my friend said, Yeah, I bet they go on holiday in Dubai.

Speaker 153 And

Speaker 4 so not worth it.

Speaker 106 Fucking brilliant.

Speaker 153 So now, every time I see someone drinking Sparklemore, I think, oh, I bet you're going holiday in Dubai.

Speaker 159 Also, I just love that we heard about so much other stuff.

Speaker 61 And the story you've chosen is probably the least interesting night out you and your friends have ever had.

Speaker 153 We've had some mad ones like that.

Speaker 110 But this was just so much I still love it and every time I see an Ethiopian stall I'm just fucking there there was a period we were writing ghosts and we were right next to a place where there were food stalls and I just had it every day and never got tired of it.

Speaker 110 But I would love to not have ever tasted it before.

Speaker 62 Can I ask a technical question about that thing?

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 69 So we can definitely do that.

Speaker 26 I think that Genie can do that. He can make sure you've never tasted it before.

Speaker 171 Hence erasing your memory of ever eating Ethiopian food.

Speaker 95 Yeah,

Speaker 19 so how are you picking it for your dream menu if you can't remember it?

Speaker 19 Wow,

Speaker 74 I'm gonna tattoo it on my

Speaker 21 body.

Speaker 13 Yeah,

Speaker 66 pick Ethiopian,

Speaker 26 and you think you think you can interpret that message.

Speaker 17 Pick Ethiopian food on the off menu

Speaker 110 menu

Speaker 110 for your main

Speaker 68 it's probably more of a back piece yeah

Speaker 78 I mean well

Speaker 110 I don't really need I just ordered it didn't I and then I erase your memory after doing a men in black yes so yeah I've ordered it up front and then when the food comes you erase my memory so when the food comes you go what the fuck is that yeah

Speaker 110 I go what's that it smells amazing yeah And then I eat it for the first time, and I'm in heaven. Thank you very much.

Speaker 72 I'm going to be sneaky, though, when I erase your memory of the indie ogre food.

Speaker 73 I'm also going to make it so you don't know who your kids are.

Speaker 73 Fuck.

Speaker 67 Didn't say he wasn't an evil genie.

Speaker 102 Now, I've listened to this podcast quite a lot.

Speaker 54 I've not known the genie to do that sort of thing.

Speaker 48 I'm mischievous sometimes.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 110 I think I'll remember them from the bread course.

Speaker 65 Maybe, well, you know, start this you said genius don't exist, so now I'm

Speaker 84 showing, I'm teaching you a lesson.

Speaker 30 Shit.

Speaker 26 Better be some good Ethiopian food, man.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Here's the thing though, what you've said about Ethiopian food, I relate to 100%.

Speaker 127 It's so amazing.

Speaker 35 It's incredible.

Speaker 71 I've never had a bad version of it.

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 83 Every time I've seen an Ethiopian restaurant, it's always that good.

Speaker 84 And the first time I had it, it was like mind-blowing.

Speaker 72 I was in Amsterdam.

Speaker 71 My friend took me there.

Speaker 72 It's like, this place on the corner.

Speaker 83 And I remember having it and being like, well, this is all I'm going to want now from now on.

Speaker 171 It's so good.

Speaker 91 I don't know what it is.

Speaker 110 I think I just like, there are foods that I'd had before that... resemble some of those dishes, but the spice, the combination of spices is different, and it's, I just love it.

Speaker 110 The bread's wild as well.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Spongy, slightly sour bread.

Speaker 62 Yeah. Putting everything on top of the bread.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Because I've seen it in restaurants where you just get a massive bit of bread and everyone is sitting around the bread and every food on top.

Speaker 55 Get involved.

Speaker 26 And then that stresses me out in terms of sharing.

Speaker 69 Very good. If I'm doing that, I'm eating as quickly as possible to get to the middle of the bread.

Speaker 55 I'm like just taking stuff from my bread.

Speaker 117 You like to share, do you?

Speaker 106 You don't want to order your own.

Speaker 26 Good food for a date as well because you eat the bread, you go in. It's like Lady and the Tramp, but you just end up shaking hands.

Speaker 54 We're not going to go there, are we?

Speaker 62 Ed's manager's on the rocks.

Speaker 17 A lovely, great meal, thank you.

Speaker 67 So take us through what's actually on there.

Speaker 169 Well,

Speaker 110 part of the thing for me, this is probably an awful confession of ignorance, but I just love that I don't really...

Speaker 54 This is the other thing I love.

Speaker 110 One of the things I like to do when I go out is order food that I can't make.

Speaker 110 And this is definitely in that category because I couldn't even tell you what the fuck any of it is.

Speaker 62 Again,

Speaker 121 don't know what any of it is.

Speaker 110 There are like lentil-based

Speaker 110 stew-type things.

Speaker 169 Is that a what?

Speaker 91 Is that a what? Is that a what?

Speaker 110 Europe. There's definitely something called what.

Speaker 82 What?

Speaker 66 I think you're thinking European.

Speaker 62 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 106 fan of it.

Speaker 96 There's something called a rubber.

Speaker 62 And the bread is called Injira, I know that.

Speaker 169 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Fuck, we really have erased your memory of it, haven't we?

Speaker 62 After that,

Speaker 62 I don't know.

Speaker 110 There's a cabbage-y thing that's incredible.

Speaker 85 It's just all nice stuff.

Speaker 145 I should have probably learned a bit about it when I was preparing to pick it for a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall.

Speaker 91 Big side dish, Matt?

Speaker 110 This is going to be chips.

Speaker 79 Do you want me to arrange your memories?

Speaker 32 Um

Speaker 110 no, but I'd like you to reinstate the memory of my two dear kids.

Speaker 66 Here's the thing.

Speaker 83 I'm gonna do that, but unbeknownst to you, I'm gonna put two other people's kids in your head.

Speaker 119 You're gonna think they're your kids.

Speaker 101 If you want to give some honourable mentions, you gave a lot of shout-outs to the different breads earlier.

Speaker 39 Feel free to give a shout-out, because no offense to the other drinks of course so yeah don't want to offend any of the other drinks give them some shout outs I never shouted out

Speaker 64 the bread that I've been making no is anyone else doing Zoe

Speaker 162 yes but don't tell the wine

Speaker 57 Good stuff.

Speaker 106 The thing is,

Speaker 128 you're a great comedian and everyone's like, oh, James is so interesting. He does like new types of comedy.

Speaker 138 But that is what you're good at.

Speaker 33 Proper comedy.

Speaker 57 Old musical stuff.

Speaker 44 Musical stuff.

Speaker 128 It's just a bit sexist, but in a fun way.

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Well, most sexism is fun.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Oh, no.

Speaker 62 I'm the one who's clickbait now.

Speaker 50 So.

Speaker 128 Zoe, are you talking about the patch in your arm that tells you how your body reacts to different foods?

Speaker 26 So you can then change your diet based on the spike in the blood sugar levels that you get from certain foods.

Speaker 115 Tell me, Jess, did you miss being diabetic?

Speaker 128 Because I'm fucking fed up of this Zoe shit.

Speaker 115 These fake ass diabetics.

Speaker 64 It is stealing the thunder of the diabetics.

Speaker 26 I'm not suggesting that I have any thunder from being diabetic, but it's quite difficult to maintain a blood sugar level as a diabetic.

Speaker 122 And I would argue that as a non-diabetic, you don't need a Zoe patch because you have what I like to call a working fucking pancreas.

Speaker 99 I agree with Ed because I'm an ally.

Speaker 96 Are you doing Zoe?

Speaker 63 The thing is, Ed,

Speaker 64 as someone who had

Speaker 26 gestational diabetes, I don't have gestational diabetes. No,

Speaker 57 is that when it's just in your hands?

Speaker 46 That is fucking brilliant.

Speaker 138 I've got some diabetic gigs I can book you for

Speaker 109 with that sort of stuff, man.

Speaker 56 I've got 10 seconds of material.

Speaker 96 Go down a storm.

Speaker 88 I don't think the catering will be what you're normally excited for, but

Speaker 138 yes, you have had gestational diabetes.

Speaker 64 No, I don't know. There's no point now, is there?

Speaker 151 That's as good as it's going to get.

Speaker 61 But you are doing, are you doing Zoe?

Speaker 64 Well, because there's a thing where it's like, if did you get the diabetes because you are a bit more prone to it and then you're going to get it, or you know, did you get it and it's gone forever?

Speaker 64 You know, there is,

Speaker 64 was it the pregnancy that made you a bit diabetic?

Speaker 138 Were you always... You stopped gesturing to me when you asked about pregnancy.

Speaker 51 Not pregnant, it's just the way I'm sat

Speaker 64 anyway. I was just, I was curious and I did it and it did say I've got bad blood sugar, poor blood sugar.
right based on what you're eating based on yes but

Speaker 64 even like I don't despite what I've just described I don't actually just go to McDonald's all the time only some of the time and I

Speaker 64 think I am quite a healthy eater generally but what I've realized is there's you know there's loads of stuff that I thought was healthy that isn't and I now don't eat it as much because of that but bread is one of them yes bread will spike blood sugar level Yeah.

Speaker 64 So there's this amazing bread.

Speaker 32 Oh, God. Yeah.

Speaker 64 I cannot believe I'm talking about this actually.

Speaker 32 Please.

Speaker 39 Especially during the drink course.

Speaker 109 This is a regressive shout-out.

Speaker 148 You've gone back now.

Speaker 44 We've gone back to China and back to bread.

Speaker 64 It's just that it's really, it really has been a revelation, and I love it so much.

Speaker 125 The bread you've made.

Speaker 64 Bread is

Speaker 64 made out out of seeds and it's only made out, it's just seeds, Ed and James.

Speaker 115 Just nice to be included, I guess.

Speaker 64 It's seeds, it's psyllium husk.

Speaker 57 Cheer seeds. He played Oppenheimer, didn't he?

Speaker 57 Oh my.

Speaker 22 What is it? This the fucking is this

Speaker 22 is this the spirit of Brucey?

Speaker 99 His ashes are down there.

Speaker 123 If you're wondering what the joke is.

Speaker 116 Brucey's ashes.

Speaker 37 Are they?

Speaker 8 Forsythe's ashes are under the stage.

Speaker 83 Did you not know that?

Speaker 25 Bruce Forsythe's ashes are under this stage.

Speaker 59 What? Yeah.

Speaker 53 That is true.

Speaker 38 People don't know that.

Speaker 53 You can Google that.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's true. That is true.

Speaker 126 Yes, really.

Speaker 106 Keep on saying Robert.

Speaker 77 He put it there by request.

Speaker 39 It's not how he died.

Speaker 115 He wasn't trapped under the...

Speaker 149 burnt to death below the stage of the London palladium.

Speaker 181 Fucking love it out!

Speaker 125 That didn't happen.

Speaker 20 He died, it was cremated, and he wanted to be under the stage of the palladiums and meant a lot to him.

Speaker 23 So that's why I'm coming up with this.

Speaker 68 That's why James is on good form.

Speaker 8 Absolutely brilliant gear right now.

Speaker 138 So, seeds, psyllium husks.

Speaker 64 Yeah, look, anyway, well, let's just crack on, shall we? Okay.

Speaker 122 Your dream main course, Mike.

Speaker 141 This is quite tricky.

Speaker 162 oh I bet it is

Speaker 138 but it does need some genie help

Speaker 61 oh yeah it'd be nice for you to finally use the genie in this meal Mike

Speaker 106 well

Speaker 141 I've got a backup dish if they're required there's a backup dish right but the the main dish is I I I

Speaker 32 want what they're having please

Speaker 141 What I mean by that is when I do I don't go out to restaurants very often and I do have a nice little time and I try and be a good boy and I try and be

Speaker 31 you try and be a good boy?

Speaker 141 I try and be a good brave boy and I try and, you know,

Speaker 141 it's important to try new things.

Speaker 40 Yes.

Speaker 141 So you know, if there's something I don't know what it is, I'll normally give it a go and that kind of stuff.

Speaker 179 And I'll make the order and I think, great, okay, we'll have a little experiment, see what that is. And, you know, we'll just, you know,

Speaker 69 we'll just, I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke, basically, when it comes to a restaurant.

Speaker 69 I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke.

Speaker 53 A pig and a poke a pig and a poke

Speaker 37 okay yeah

Speaker 41 yeah yeah but I'll order hang on well I just assume it's a phrase

Speaker 29 well yeah but

Speaker 29 what what

Speaker 94 it's a well established phrase no

Speaker 26 thank you ma'am that's five people in two thousand

Speaker 22 like um buying a pig and a poke like uh just repeat the phrase by all means mike

Speaker 141 uh

Speaker 141 So normally you don't want to buy a pig in a poke.

Speaker 32 It's how it would normally be used.

Speaker 38 Mike, we do not know what a pig in a poke is.

Speaker 53 What is a pig in a poke? Well, a pig.

Speaker 141 Pig is a standard pig.

Speaker 163 Pig is a pig.

Speaker 32 Not your cat.

Speaker 106 No. Who's called pig?

Speaker 146 Who's called pig, but a pig.

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 148 And a poke, I think, was like a sort of bag or something.

Speaker 79 So it'd be the idea of buying a pig.

Speaker 5 In a bag?

Speaker 10 In the olden times,

Speaker 141 it must have been a problem at some stage

Speaker 141 where pigmongers were going around the place

Speaker 173 door to door and saying, Do you want to buy a pig?

Speaker 141 Yeah, I'm interested in a pig. How much for the pig? Fiverr.
Here you go. It's in this poke.

Speaker 61 And then they'd give you the poke, you know, which had some weight to it.

Speaker 146 And you get in and you open up your poke, thinking, oh, great, we've got a pig now.

Speaker 179 That's great news.

Speaker 141 And there'd just be, you know, rocks.

Speaker 62 Rocks.

Speaker 135 There'd be rocks.

Speaker 107 There'd be some wet straw um a third example please

Speaker 51 a uh a a broken pallet of cereal bars

Speaker 141 uh but then there would be no be no pig and the the the the pig salesman would be long long gone so the advice would be don't buy a pick in a pony it's a cautionary tale it would have been a cautionary tale and another cautionary tale that eventually became uh you know an idiom

Speaker 25 But you're using the idiom to say you do want to buy a pick in a pony.

Speaker 141 I am assuming that advice, yeah.

Speaker 164 Yeah, Yeah, but you're comparing this to being in a restaurant.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 53 And while you're in a restaurant, you will buy a pig in a poke.

Speaker 121 So you will order something knowing that it is not what it says it is on the menu.

Speaker 41 And then it's a plate of wet straw.

Speaker 141 I'm willing to take that risk, yes.

Speaker 141 And I would also take the risk of if there was a main course where it was just, you know,

Speaker 141 mystery poke, you know.

Speaker 60 Mike is pronounced poke.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 117 Okay.

Speaker 173 Mystery bag of food.

Speaker 141 Then I'd probably go, I'll go for the mystery bag of food, please.

Speaker 48 So you're just...

Speaker 160 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 99 I get it now.

Speaker 122 You mean you'll just roll the dice.

Speaker 31 I want to be sweaty.

Speaker 141 I wish to be surprised normally.

Speaker 39 But you don't want to be tricked by the pigmonger.

Speaker 141 No, I mean, in day-to-day life, no, but I mean, I'm willing to take the risk in a restaurant setting

Speaker 141 that I'm not going to be presented with a plate of wet straw.

Speaker 106 So.

Speaker 46 But the first thing he said was your main course is you'll have what they're having.

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 63 Even though you did specify at the beginning that you will be alone for this meal.

Speaker 148 That's true. But

Speaker 148 the there is

Speaker 10 what they're had.

Speaker 54 I want their hands.

Speaker 30 You want what they're having. I want what their hand.

Speaker 101 Because inevitably when I do order the thing, whatever the thing may be, like enough time has passed that you can't change.

Speaker 141 But then almost every time I go to a restaurant, five minutes after the time has passed to change your order like the the kitchen doors are boated open right all of the staff have been corralled to to deliver this dish to another table and there there are flames gushing from everywhere steam smoke sirens everyone's oohing and someone breaks out into the national anthem it's that level of like the fuss You know, the sort of burning griddle pans, people with special gloves, all this kind of stuff is happening.

Speaker 141 Trolleys, things are on wheels, things are coming down from the ceiling.

Speaker 141 Space is like tables being kicked over to make enough space for this extraordinary dish and everyone's applauding and that's I mean

Speaker 124 I want that what's that

Speaker 47 yeah

Speaker 35 this is your starter but you don't think it represents who you are necessarily salmon sashimi with big ginger I thought for a long time about barbecue spare ribs from a Chinese restaurant because that is one of those meals that when the spare ribs come out you're you're like, we're having a good time now.

Speaker 24 But you have said that about every food we've talked about.

Speaker 75 Yes, that is true.

Speaker 35 I love rocket, so I was thinking of like rocket and grand padano cheese, maybe.

Speaker 73 Just rocket.

Speaker 31 I love rocket.

Speaker 73 Yeah, I have it on its own.

Speaker 89 But to be honest.

Speaker 38 Love rocket sounds like a name for a dick, wasn't it?

Speaker 32 I mean, but

Speaker 35 go on.

Speaker 35 What I really want, as much as I like sashimi, salmon, sashimi, and ginger, what I really want is like a big plate of sausages.

Speaker 145 But for the table.

Speaker 94 That is, that's it.

Speaker 68 Yeah. You came alive when you said that.

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Fuck this salmon, sashimi bullshit.

Speaker 96 Yeah, big plate of sausages.

Speaker 38 You clearly want a big plate of sausages.

Speaker 35 We were in. Have you ever been to Betty's tea rooms in Yorkshire?

Speaker 69 Popular. I've never been.
You've never been.

Speaker 35 Have you ever been?

Speaker 62 Yeah, in where?

Speaker 35 There's four of them.

Speaker 156 There's...

Speaker 156 Is there one in Harrogate or something?

Speaker 116 There's one in Harley.

Speaker 62 Yeah, I've been to the Harrogot one.

Speaker 35 There's one in Ilkley, North Alfredon. I can't remember.
York, maybe?

Speaker 20 York, right?

Speaker 29 They're all in Yorkshire, yeah. They're all in Yorkshire.

Speaker 106 Yeah, that's the county.

Speaker 65 Big fan of your puddings in Yorkshire.

Speaker 91 Not everyone is.

Speaker 35 It's like a...

Speaker 35 It's a 45-minute wait to get in.

Speaker 169 Yeah.

Speaker 35 And it's been there since about 1911, so the waiters and waitresses are dressed like it's just before the First World War.

Speaker 24 You're dressed as a baby, scooping the lagoon.

Speaker 35 I was there at the weekend, and my daughter had sausage, beans, and chips, so I finished her sausages. Because she'd finished, I mean, I wasn't.

Speaker 32 Look over there, yoink.

Speaker 102 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 35 No, I wasn't like, well, I paid for them, so technically they're mine.

Speaker 148 It was none of that.

Speaker 35 But they were really nice sausages. And after the second or third bite, I just thought to myself, why am I not eating these three times a day every day?

Speaker 19 And then I thought, all right, then I'll mention that for my starter.

Speaker 54 A big plate of sausages.

Speaker 91 A big plate of sausages.

Speaker 62 So, what kind of sausages are these?

Speaker 66 Because there's a lot of different types of sausages.

Speaker 38 But these bog standard, straightforward bangers.

Speaker 35 Bog standard sausages.

Speaker 28 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 35 So I don't, like, I will eat a sort of pork and leek, but really, it's like a Cumberland sausage, the kind you would buy in a news agent.

Speaker 32 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 54 News agent sausages. But they're

Speaker 109 cooked to perfection.

Speaker 51 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 So

Speaker 35 dark brown, like in Feynman Sam.

Speaker 35 You know, when Elvis is burning the sausages,

Speaker 35 just before the point he's at.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 20 There.

Speaker 35 Those are the sausages I want on a big plate, but for the table.

Speaker 38 And do you want any sauce or does that get in the way of the sausages?

Speaker 10 Ketchup.

Speaker 35 Yeah, so ketchup.

Speaker 156 Did you say Fireman Sam was making them?

Speaker 48 Or did I mishear that?

Speaker 35 In the original opening credit, original opening titles, Elvis, who's very bad at cooking, is trying to fry some sausages and he's burnt them.

Speaker 35 But he's actually not burnt them drastically.

Speaker 35 He's not far off.

Speaker 35 So I used to think to myself, he's actually a minute less and he's basically made perfect sausages there.

Speaker 35 So I want a minute less than Elvis and Fireman Sam sausages for the table.

Speaker 34 But do you want

Speaker 57 Elvis to cook them? Elvis,

Speaker 38 do you want Elvis from Fireman Sam to cook them?

Speaker 35 Or your dream? Well, I think he'll fuck them up, won't he? So

Speaker 35 I want him to be there. So we can learn.
But then for someone with a steady hand on the tiller to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, now is that take them off now.

Speaker 67 Was your daughter excited that you were doing this podcast?

Speaker 62 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 116 I forgot about this.

Speaker 91 I told her yesterday.

Speaker 116 How old's your daughter?

Speaker 29 She's nine.

Speaker 35 I said, I'm doing quite a big show tomorrow night.

Speaker 37 Do you know, yeah?

Speaker 91 I said, yeah,

Speaker 35 I'm doing a live podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster.

Speaker 29 And she went, Ed Gampbell?

Speaker 35 I said, and she's met James lots of times, right?

Speaker 35 I don't know if she's met, I don't even know.

Speaker 62 No, I don't properly know.

Speaker 37 She went, Ed Gamble.

Speaker 35 I said, Yeah, she went, Ed Gamble.

Speaker 35 I said, Yeah, she went, Oh my god,

Speaker 35 everyone at Brownies has got a crush on Ed Gamble.

Speaker 94 Everyone at Brownies.

Speaker 35 I said, what about James Agas? She went, oh, he's been mentioned.

Speaker 17 Well, you didn't tell us that earlier.

Speaker 35 He's been mentioned.

Speaker 17 Good to know I'm in the conversation.

Speaker 35 You're part of the conversation

Speaker 35 because she went on a brownie camp, but her tent flooded.

Speaker 35 So

Speaker 35 she was put in with much, much older brownies.

Speaker 91 And they just talked about...

Speaker 35 She said it was boring. They just talked about sex and crutches and Ed Gamble.

Speaker 94 I love that you said they were much older brownies, as if that makes it any better.

Speaker 67 Don't worry, they were much older brownies.

Speaker 35 But you're part of the conversation, James.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 35 You are absolutely part of the conversation.

Speaker 57 I'm part of the conversation.

Speaker 66 Yeah, they're talking about it when they're waiting for their tent to be put back up.

Speaker 65 Anyone here fancy James A. Casket?

Speaker 32 That's me pointing.

Speaker 15 Man, I absolutely love the brownies having a crush on you.

Speaker 3 It's so funny.

Speaker 6 Very funny.

Speaker 1 You were in the conversation.

Speaker 82 I remember that.

Speaker 16 I was in the conversation.

Speaker 15 Much appreciated. That's pretty much it for 2024, Ed.
We'll be back in the new year with a new series and perhaps some more surprises.

Speaker 11 Who knows?

Speaker 15 And listen, if you're coming to the London Palladium shows in March, we can't wait to see you there.

Speaker 3 We'd like to leave you with an important message from Lucy Beaumont. Here's her gravy manifesto.

Speaker 64 Because I really like

Speaker 97 real

Speaker 64 deep savoury flavour. Like I really, I'm really, really like gravy.

Speaker 24 No respect.

Speaker 32 What's happened?

Speaker 64 What did I do? What did I say?

Speaker 54 No, you're fine. You just

Speaker 12 know we're very happy with your love of gravy.

Speaker 169 Yeah.

Speaker 83 It's a troublemaker.

Speaker 64 What's gone on? It was the first half.

Speaker 26 Tried to suggest that the secret ingredient that would get you kicked out of the restaurant should be gravy.

Speaker 53 We overruled it.

Speaker 66 We overruled it. It's not.

Speaker 31 The booze.

Speaker 128 You should have heard the booze in here.

Speaker 157 Oh, I bet.

Speaker 64 Oh, it's Northern.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 64 No, but the thing is,

Speaker 64 since we've had a Tory government in power,

Speaker 17 I can't even think what that cheers for.

Speaker 28 Yeah.

Speaker 149 You don't even know where this is going.

Speaker 128 She might be about to say the gravy's got much better.

Speaker 64 No, that's no. What I mean is, if you've noticed gravy's got worse

Speaker 50 true

Speaker 26 that's what andy burnham says as this cover his old campaign yeah the change of pace there almost made my neck snap that was yeah

Speaker 26 now

Speaker 26 lucy i'm not no fan of the toy government myself but i would be interested to hear how and why you think the gravies got worse

Speaker 155 under the current government because gravies love and

Speaker 22 guys, this is a problem.

Speaker 26 This is why the left's never going to get back on top. If we keep just applauding platitudes like gravy's love.

Speaker 39 This might fly in Toby Carvey, Lucy.

Speaker 58 So Gravy's love.

Speaker 64 And people don't care anymore.

Speaker 26 Who are we talking about specifically?

Speaker 64 No,

Speaker 64 because we've been made to believe there's no such thing as society

Speaker 32 anymore.

Speaker 64 We've lost some important morals.

Speaker 64 And one of them is making gravy.

Speaker 87 But gravy

Speaker 64 in the good in the good Blair years

Speaker 100 before

Speaker 8 we're talking pre-Irek before we were

Speaker 64 in the in those ones where it made

Speaker 128 things can only get better the elections

Speaker 166 and

Speaker 64 the the beginning ones yeah and the first few years years, there was. I can remember you'd go places and gravy was like nectar.

Speaker 64 No, it was. No, because it wasn't.
Now it's something

Speaker 64 and it's about pride

Speaker 133 in

Speaker 50 and

Speaker 64 it because now it's just

Speaker 64 pack, it's just mostly packet gravy. And what they used to do is they made the gravy

Speaker 111 get this weeks before

Speaker 64 they made the Sunday dinner. And just being at home, I mean, anywhere you went.

Speaker 133 Anywhere we went.

Speaker 64 Anywhere you went.

Speaker 64 The stock would be

Speaker 64 made weeks in advance. Yeah.
And they would put

Speaker 87 offal.

Speaker 40 Not offal.

Speaker 64 They would put things in it that would condense down and down over time.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 94 But now you're saying, because of the Tory government.

Speaker 64 The Italians still

Speaker 64 the Italians still

Speaker 64 listen.

Speaker 32 When they're listening.

Speaker 64 When they make a tomato sauce,

Speaker 64 they don't get it out of a packet.

Speaker 69 No, famously left-wing government as well.

Speaker 64 But I don't mean that's not political. What I mean is that

Speaker 64 we need to take pride in gravy again.

Speaker 20 Yeah,

Speaker 45 that's a good point to end on, for sure.

Speaker 57 We do need to take pride in gravy again.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 122 Can't wait to see Lucy at the next Pride match

Speaker 116 on a gravy flight.

Speaker 55 So, Lucy,

Speaker 26 I hate to push you.

Speaker 17 Come on, if it cut me, do I not bleed?

Speaker 26 I hate to push you 40 minutes in, but what's your starter?

Speaker 55 Jesus Christ, it is 40 minutes in.

Speaker 32 Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 94 Don't you be sorry.

Speaker 25 That gravy monologue.

Speaker 64 Manifesto. Manifesto.

Speaker 159 I will. That will be

Speaker 26 manifesto.

Speaker 58 The gravy manifesto.

Speaker 128 The gravy manifesto.

Speaker 50 I will.

Speaker 47 Manabisto.

Speaker 26 I get the feeling that when I'm very, very old and maybe I have dementia, that will be one of the only things I'll remember.

Speaker 64 Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here. Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.
Single ladies is coming to London. Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

Speaker 64 It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September. At 7pm at King's Place.
So we've got your Saturday night sorted. We've done all the organising for you.

Speaker 111 Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

Speaker 64 And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk. Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.
London, we're coming.