Best of 2024: Live

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk

well weren't expecting to see us, were you?

We couldn't do the best of episodes and not include any of the 15 live episodes we put out this year.

We took off menu on tour in 2023 and released all of the episodes for you to hear this year.

The shows were largely absolute chaos.

Congratulations on those live shows.

Congratulations on the live shares to yourself.

They really were live shares.

So fucking hell.

It's the end of the year, guys.

Some guests were absolutely at it right from the get-go.

Let's hear from Frankie Boyle, Jamelia, Amelia de Moldenberg, and Sam Campbell.

Are you a foodie, Frankie?

Do you like food?

I love food and I think about little else but food.

Yes.

But I wouldn't really call myself a foodie because I think to be a foodie, you have to enjoy finer delicacies.

I have quite plain tastes.

You know, I can't eat something like oysters, which is basically just licking cum off the back of a tortoise.

You know, somehow that doesn't put me off oysters.

If I went to a really fancy restaurant, if I went to like Noma in Copenhagen, like they're doing wild stuff, and they brought me out a tortoise, and they went, there's a cum on the back of that, I'd go, yeah, give it a go.

People like, there will be soon.

I don't know why we've gone so low, swearly.

And I'd say we.

Is it

the tortoise has come

or has another animal taste it and see, Ginny?

It'd be very impressive a tortoise could come on their own back.

It's also the texture of an oyster, isn't it?

You don't.

Unless your favourite texture is a corpse's clitoris.

But there are other foods I like.

What a way to find out that's my favorite texture.

It's probably the best way to find that out.

We always start with still a sparkling water.

Still a sparkling water, thank you.

What are you going to compare these?

Are we really moving straight into still and sparkling water?

Are you now just terrified and you're going to huckle me off?

Huckle means to move someone.

I do actually need to be told this.

I don't want to ever happen.

There's sort of like there are some Scottish expressions that there aren't any

real translation for, other like let's let someone being at it.

Do you know what I mean?

You can't really explain to an English person what that is without like Captain Tom's family are at it.

No idea.

Obviously, you know who Captain Tom is.

Yeah, but you know his family are at it, right?

You never knew his family were at it.

Yeah.

If they were on now, we'd huckle them off for sure.

What are you doing, James?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Yeah, sorry.

Thank you.

We do not want James here.

We need the genie here.

Everyone, imagine.

Imagine you're rubbing it.

Welcome, Jamilia, to the Dream Vest Robinson's been with you for some time.

Thank you.

That's a big entrance to follow up.

It was a bit rubbish for me because I could see him crouching there.

Sorry.

That didn't happen.

That never happened.

Jamili's lying.

We've got a lion on the pod.

It's a real shame.

That would be a terrible genie.

If you got a lamp and you opened it up and you could see him just in there like that.

That would be less magical, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

That's quite demeaning for the poor genie, actually.

That's why you should rub it first.

Jamili just did a face that suggested: what sort of podcast have I come on?

The best podcast in the nation.

Yeah.

One off.

Sorry.

Sorry.

We got

Slame Eliad.

We got Jam Slammed.

Early Doors.

I didn't know we were jamming and slamming, didn't I?

Don't you apologise, Jamelia.

That is the perfect response to that.

Yeah, you got us, man.

What are the other good podcasts?

You got any favourites?

I mean, mean, we don't normally do shout-outs to other podcasts.

The only podcast I listen to is the Off-Menu podcast.

And judging by the chat we had before you came out here,

you listened to it for the first time in the car on the way here.

No.

I said I was like doing research.

I wanted to make sure.

Because you usually have comedians on, so I was like, oh, what could be a funny answer to that?

But now I'm just going to answer, honestly.

you don't need to think of a funny answer you've come straight out here and slammed us into hell

you've got this Jamilia

also you're a fan of our work in general aren't you Jamilia you saw us on on TV you were saying to us backstage and then you said actually no I'll save it for when we're on stage but you weren't gonna compliment us I think

I feel like we're starting off on the wrong foot now.

So basically what I told them in the dressing room was that I watched them on Haunted and I was very annoyed

because they weren't playing the game properly.

They were messing about.

That was Jaminglia's first words to us.

Was

I saw you on Celebrity Hunted and we were like, here we go.

She went, I actually found you quite annoying.

I really did.

But I was really excited when I got asked to do this.

I was like, oh, okay.

That should be fun.

Because you are funny.

So I thought, and I like to laugh.

So, oh my God, shall I go home?

Oh, my God.

What was it on...

Sorry to dwell on this.

What was it that we did on Celebrity Hunter that you found particularly annoying?

We tried our best on that.

I just don't think you did.

You just kept doing like silly things like letting everyone see where you were telling people where you were like you're supposed to be hiding it's like a hide and seek but you were like we're here

it's the last thing they'll expect yeah they're trying to catch you if you keep saying here we are we're here and showing them your face they're gonna go it can't be that easy and they leave you alone That was our thinking.

Yeah, and then you shot them with we?

No, no, I shot them with water, but I told them it it was piss.

More mind games, Jamina.

You got to do this when you're on the run.

And what we found is the best way to live your life is to anger ex-cops and military men by telling them that you're spraying them with piss.

Because then they really rough you up quite a lot.

So you don't even get the pleasure of actually shooting them with piss and you still get beaten up.

Yeah, they didn't like us at all when we did that to them, to be fair.

No.

But in general, I thought we did really well on Hunted.

Okay.

We were in Birmingham for Hunted?

Yeah,

we came straight to Birmingham.

Straight here.

Yeah.

Straight here.

Yes, because I remember I recognised where you were.

Yeah.

I was like, in that town.

Because you were in town?

Yeah?

Yeah, maybe that's not good if people don't recognise where we are actually.

Hearing that out loud.

We came and we instantly got Tiger Bites Pig Bow Buns when we got

on the run.

That was our first, well that wasn't our first food on the run.

We immediately went to a Michelin-style restaurant and had a meal.

That was in Truth.

But we did quite a lot before Togo Boats made.

Yes.

Again, we're not there now.

And then we went to Birmingham.

You threw your shoes out the window on the way there.

I had to give you a piggyback through some of Birmingham's streets because it was covered in glass and needles.

Was that Broad Street?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then James bought a wig,

bright pink wig.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah, which bear in mind, mind, Jamilia, I don't normally have bright pink hair.

Can you see why I was annoyed?

What would you do if you were on the run and you were being hunted?

What would be your first course of action, you reckon?

Well, obviously, like I wouldn't use any cards, I wouldn't use my social media, I wouldn't like turn up at a famous restaurant.

Sorry, I'm not shading you, but like, I just wouldn't do everything that you guys did.

So we served a purpose, in a way, for...

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah.

You're foodie?

Are you a foodie?

Is this going well or really bad?

I'm not sure.

Every time you say anything, everyone pisses themselves laughing.

So I think it's going well, and it's at our expense as well.

So from our perspective, we feel like shit, but you're really bringing it.

I'm loving it, Jamina.

This is how most people treat me all the time.

It feels great.

I'm sorry, because I'm really excited to be here, Jimina.

We're very excited to have you.

Yes, we are.

Especially with this backdrop, it's wicked.

The set's mad, isn't it?

Yeah.

It feels

unnecessary.

Once we sat down to have a chat with you, it just, yeah, it does not feel necessary at all, does it?

What was the vibe that you told the designers?

Yeah,

here she comes again.

Slam jam, baby.

Slam jam.

We basically said, just do as many fart clowns as possible.

It's about food.

There's a poppadom behind us, a popadom there?

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Were you wondering what that was?

About half the audience went, oh.

Oh Jesus, how much would that cost Bonita?

Sorry.

I thought it was the moon, but okay.

I think it's the moon, Matt.

You guys know that that's a lamp, right?

Because I did a whole whole thing with that a minute ago, and that's embarrassing if not.

You're a food eater, Melia.

I really am, like in every way.

Like, yeah, scarily so.

No, not scarily so.

Everybody likes food, don't they?

Yeah, most people do, for sure.

Well, you definitely do.

Come to a podcast about food.

Like, come on.

Urea.

But, yeah, I'm sorry, sorry.

No, good on you.

Hey, literally,

if you do get scared of food, you're in the wrong show, motherfuckers.

I feel like I'm being really rude.

I'm not a rude person at all.

No, you're not.

I know you didn't catch the entirely the first half, but I called one man a cunt three times.

Oh, no!

You're not being rude.

Okay.

You're alright.

You're alright.

You're the height of manners compared to what they have to tolerate

at the start of the evening.

And you're right.

These people love food.

For example, there's a woman over there who regularly drinks soy sauce.

Drinks?

Yep.

Swigs out of the bottle while she's cooking to trick herself into thinking it's normal.

It's not.

You just got slammelier.

Jam-slammed.

I commissioned this TV show.

Yeah.

There's an audience with Jameelia, but she just slams everyone.

And then looks really guilty about it immediately afterwards.

Yeah.

Who's got a funny quirk?

I think soy sauce.

I think it's normal.

It's not.

Applause.

I'm so sorry.

I feel awful.

I slammed

like slammed people.

I'm trying to stop slamming people.

Do you do you cook as well, Jamelia?

I love cooking.

I recently got to the final, well, final five, but you're still the final of MasterChef.

I saw it.

I will mention that a few times.

That's fine.

I watch it.

I actually find it quite annoying on that.

Me too.

Now, this seems like a bit of a redundant question because obviously

you work with food, but are you a foodie?

What?

Because, oh, well.

Well, we always ask people if their foodies, but I feel like it's rude when someone does like chicken shop dates and their mum's saying, are you a foodie?

Well, it does make sense, you know, having a dating show in a chicken shop that I would be a really, really big foodie.

And you did a cookie show as well, right?

Oh, yeah, I did a cooking show, yeah, but I can't cook.

I'm not a foodie, sorry.

Hey, don't say sorry this is great we've had loads of non-foodies on the pod yeah i'm not a foodie i eat i've eaten food but

um not a foodie how often like three times a day what about you yeah three times a day yeah yeah cool yeah yeah

six seven oh whoa

crazy he is pretty crazy guy yeah i'm a crazy guy i've got a real problem

When you met Ed, did you think he was crazy?

Yeah.

That guy is crazy.

Cool tattoos.

Thank you very much, Amelia.

Okay.

Would you like me to take you through them?

No.

Okay.

Absolutely.

Fair enough.

Yeah.

If you had to get

an item of food tattoo.

No, I don't want to.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm tattooeless.

But if you had to.

No.

No.

No.

If you just for the sake of info.

No.

You?

A big tub of ice cream, probably.

Oh, yeah, a big tub of ice cream.

Where?

Oh,

there's a full body tap

for my

waist

to just throw it just here.

So you wouldn't go and see it if I was wearing the top.

There'd be a surprise.

Wow.

Do you have a girlfriend right now?

I did have going into this podcast.

Yes.

Yeah, I was going to say

that.

She's made fun of her accent many times on stage and just suddenly get a full body tap of a tub of ice cream.

Yeah.

What flavour would you get?

I guess I would maybe just want the ice cream tub to say my name on it.

Okay, in case you forget your name.

Just James Acaster on the cup of ice cream, yeah.

Tasty.

Yeah.

What are you on about?

Well, I want it to be personalised, you know, so I think I would like have it that like it's a big tub of ice cream and it's a spoon in it and stuff.

Put a spoon in it.

There's a spoon, like the lid's off.

It's dangerous.

The lid's off, there's a spoon coming out.

Probably ends at my armpit, the spoon coming out of the thing.

And then it's like a a Ben and Jerry's, but instead of Ben and Jerry's, and what flavour just says James Acaster.

Nice.

Is that the flavour as well?

Does it just say James?

I feel like we're going too far into detail here with this, Amelia.

No, I don't think we are.

I think we should carry on.

Is there a flavour on it, or instead of Ben and Jerry's, does it say James Acaster?

No, it tastes like James.

It tastes like...

Yes,

James has put James Acaster on it, so when people lick his body, it's like they're eating an ice cream that there's a flavour of him.

Yes.

Okay.

James?

Yes.

Without further ado this is the off-menu menu of Sam Campbell.

Welcome Sam.

Thanks so much.

Sorry, can I just say on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the city of Nottingham and on behalf of the entire Midlands region,

thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding evening.

Take a seat please sam.

Sorry, can I just say,

I mean, this means a lot to me.

I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic.

I've faced a lot of obstacles, you know.

I'll tell you what, the man upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball.

But I I was never truly alone

because every Wednesday, my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears in the form of the most amazing podcast.

I've been to so many places with so many incredible people.

I've smiled with excitement as Scroobius Pitt describes his crazy pizza.

I've trembled with delight as

Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna milk.

I've gasped as the magician Dynamo talks about his corned beef hash.

I was never alone because I was with you guys.

You've gotten me through so many storms.

Thank you, Sam.

Thank you, Sam.

Now, just like the regular episodes, the live shows were full of great foodie chat and some not-so-delicious descriptions of food.

Here's Ellis James, John Robbins, Susan McComer, Ian Sterling, Amelia DeMoldenberg, Frankie Boyle, and Joe Wilkinson.

I think the enthusiasm can occasionally be quite irritating because I remember in the first couple of weeks of lockdown, Izzy was

down, she was anxious, she was pissed off, especially in the morning.

With his wife.

And after about

14 days, I thought, I need to broach this.

I was like, what is it?

Is it what's happening to our careers?

Is it the fact there's a global pandemic and we don't know what's causing this thing?

And she went, no, no, it's not that.

It's when you eat Whitabix.

You don't realize you do it, do you?

And I said, what do you mean?

She went, you don't know you do this thing.

And I said, what?

She went, when you eat Wheatabix

with every fucking mouthful,

you say, mmm, yeah.

The fact that it's fucking Weetabix as well.

So it's like...

Yeah.

What do you have on your Weetabix?

Plain, plain.

Doesn't with milk.

So I'm trying to cut down on sugar.

But I really, I've switched over to porridge now.

And what do you say when you're eating porridge?

Yabba dabba do.

No, but sometimes at night I will think to myself less than eight hours to go

and it's porridge time.

I bloody love it.

And she used to say as well, and when you pour squash into a pint glass,

you sort of go

because you can't wait and you don't seem to be bothered by this pandemic but I am

because for you it's just more weeks of bits and squash time.

The little detail in that story that after two weeks you asked your wife what was wrong.

Alright, what is it?

The global pandemic is it I suppose?

Because

I just thought it was general worry about the pandemic, but it was that very specific thing.

And then.

You're still not understanding what I'm saying.

I'm saying it's mad to leave it two weeks before you check to see if your partner's okay and what's wrong with her.

You go, no, you don't understand.

I thought it was general worry.

So I left it unchecked.

Oh, yeah, we were talking about general worries a lot,

but

that wasn't the headline.

The headline act

was me going, mmm, yeah, every time I eat Weetabix.

But the fact is, if you've said, mmm yeah, every time you have a mouthful of wheat to bicks for as long as you've lived,

it's a really hard habit to get out of.

For as long as you've lived.

Were you aware that you did it before it was pointed out to you?

No.

So then, next morning, having had the chat, I've got the spoon.

I was fucking trembling.

I was like,

can't say it, man.

You can't say it.

She's going to lose her fucking mind if you say it.

No matter how much you're enjoying this Weeta Bix, you've got to pretend it's a normal cereal, man.

She is on the edge.

So then I'd have a mouthful and I'd be like, oh.

You pretend it's a normal cereal.

Yeah, not a fancy, tasty one like Weetabix.

Pretend this is just a normal, boring cereal.

Just a normal boring cereal.

And I like them all.

But Weetabix, at the time.

Is that at the top for you, Weiter Bix?

No, I wouldn't say historically special special K.

What?

How do you think I'm Bikini Beach body ready yet?

It's just bowl after bowl of special K.

And

I mean, a long time ago, Coco Pops.

But Cocoa Pops, sugar's had a bad press over the last sort of 60 years.

So I've kind of

tried to quite radically change the way I eat over the last.

But you had a lot of Cocoa Pops back in the day?

Back in the...

Oh, I mean, up to about

up to about the sort of end of Brit Pop.

Cocoa Brit Pops.

Famously.

Sorry, I'm sick.

Why do you sat like that?

No, no, keep sitting like that.

I like it.

It's good stuff.

I'm just having a really good time.

It's like going T4.

Would you ever bran flakes with Baileys?

A big fun of bran flakes.

Yeah, of course.

With Baileys.

Yeah, yeah, someone here, that's what the

dream meal is.

No, I used to eat over the summer holidays brun flakes, wheatabix, old brown, and cocoa pops in the same bowl.

All in the same bowl?

All in the same bowl.

Did you have a name for that cereal?

Yeah, cereal time.

All brown, wheatabix.

And brown flakes, did you say?

And cocoa pops.

And cocoa pops.

So that's like the fun.

I used to do it with my cousin.

And then.

Good to know what clips we're going to get out for the trailer of this episode.

I've thought a lot about my choices, and I've realised how much the way I eat has changed.

Because I don't want to.

It's no disrespect to my mother, but we used to have the same

meal on every night.

There was a rota, like a seven-day rota.

I remember this.

I remember you had a routine about it.

Yes.

And if you are going to list the foods that you have.

Then I would like you to do it in the the way that you did it in the routine years ago, which was you did it like a top of the pops rundown.

Yes.

Yes, I'd forgotten about that.

Monday night chicken tonight.

Yeah, but that's how you did it, is it?

You went, you went

Friday night.

That's why you did it.

I feel like chicken tonight, well, you're lucky because you're having it tonight.

It's Monday night, and it's always chicken tonight.

Yeah,

Thursday night was pizza because my mother had aerobics.

So you needed something quick.

Friday night, obviously, fish.

And so that when I went to university,

I was exposed to new tastes.

Take us, what was the first new taste you were exposed to at university?

Black pepper.

Wowie.

Where were you going to university?

Delhi?

This is incredible.

I lived with a girl called Caroline who'd been privately educated

and she was a really good cook.

She liked to cook.

And I lived with her in that lovely girl, I lived with her in the second and third year, and her boyfriend Chris.

And she used to love to cook.

She introduced me to risotto.

That was great.

She also introduced me to coriander.

Wow.

Yeah.

She made a carrot and coriander soup.

And I was so overwhelmed by it

that at the end of the bowl, I kissed her on the cheek

I said thank you.

What the fuck was that?

She was like, carrot and coriander soup burris.

And I was like, well, I'm now, I'm going to eat it every day for the rest of my life.

Well,

the next one, I think I'm going to...

There's the cheese course, which is just very quick.

Yeah, yeah.

Cheese course.

No, but

it doesn't matter.

It's good cheese course.

It's good news.

And cheese course is good news.

That means that the dessert is a proper dessert and we're not skipping it.

If anything, I'm pro cheese course.

So the

Anna once kissed a girl.

So the cheese course is very simply the cheese, which is a cheese.

It was known as, in my family, known as the cheese.

And my stepdad, whenever he went down to Somerset, because he loved Somerset, so he'd go down to Somerset quite a lot, work down there,

He would bring back the cheese, which is a big

wheel of cheddar in black wax from a company.

It's the Maryland Farm Mature Cheddar Cheese.

And anyone who tasted this cheese said, You've got to sort me out with some of this cheese.

This is insane.

I thought I knew Cheddar.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone would say this, right?

Honestly.

Word for word, everyone would say this.

Everyone would say word for word.

You got to cinnamon and cheddar.

Yeah.

And then they'd leave it there?

They'd say, I thought I knew cheddar until I tasted the cheese.

So then.

Wipe that on a t-shirt.

Then, when the next time my stepdad went down to Somerset, I'd have to say, oh, can you sort my friend Sam's mum out with some of your cheese?

Awful sentence out of context.

So he'd be like, well, I don't know what it's like, 15 quid for a fucking enormous, like four kilos of cheese.

And he'd say, well, yeah, well, yeah, they can pay me back or whatever.

I'll bring it up.

Before you know it, he's bringing back quite a lot of cheese from Somerset into,

you know, Avon and North Somerset.

Across the border.

Well, yeah, it becomes a County Lines drug operation.

But I mean, I'm not kidding.

He would come back with like four wheels of this cheese.

One for me, one for my friend sam one for my friend sam's mum one for you know someone else fucking sam can't share one with his mum what's going on

but once you start were they a broken home as well no

once you start eating this cheese yeah you just eat a whole wheel of cheese it's mad it's mad and i i would go around i'd go from mine where we'd be eating the cheese i'd go around to sam's house

They'd be sat in their kitchen just cutting off slices of cheese, eating this cheese.

It's so creamy, it's so tangy.

Do people not usually talk this long about their choices?

They do.

No, Joe, what John?

I love it.

I want to try the cheese.

To be fair, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong if this was a studio recorded episode.

It's said on the thing, an hour and a half.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, then, you are in the right, and I don't know how I'm getting back to London today.

Do you want anything with the cheese?

A taxi for James.

My drink of choice is a Craig David.

Okay.

Now, again, I don't think you're using that phrase right.

There's a UK garbage singer.

Yeah, there's a drink called a Craig David.

Who knows what a a Craig David is?

Go woo.

It's a real drink.

Right, so what is.

Was it the same guy who taught you that one?

No, no, this was me.

This is my favourite late-night drink, Susan.

You take Robinson's orange

and you top it up with cold water.

Are you making Craig Davids down there?

I'm trying to get just like...

Baba, I'm making a Craig David.

Make me a Craig David while you're making the matchup.

I can go back over Craig David.

You make me one.

Tuck a far chick on Tuesday.

Fucking Al.

So the Craig David.

Tell me what's the flavour.

He did it.

He did it.

Amazing.

Question of the bits.

What would you deep fry?

Which chocolate bar are you deep frying?

Out of any chocolate bar?

That was a question for me.

Thank you, Ed.

I'll move on to it, Ian.

Don't worry.

I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar.

Oh my god.

Ask him first.

This is really hard.

If you want, for structural integrity.

I've seen them all fried.

What do you mean you've seen them all fry?

Pretty much I've seen them all fried.

But what do you mean?

Where have you seen them all from?

Well, like, you've been in Edinburgh long enough, you've seen enough people ordering, because like tourists do it, and then you think, oh, I'm not going to do that for tourists, and then you get drunk and you've got a Twix in your hand that you feel like I'm.

Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a Twix?

Good evening to ya.

Hang on.

So the voice broke.

Hey.

Mom,

my great-grandpa

visited these fair isles many moons ago.

And he always wanted a nice piece of chips.

Piece of

chips.

Piece of chips with a deep-fried twigs.

He was quirking those ways.

So can I please, young man, sir,

have my twigs deep fried?

No pun intended.

Mama.

Happy party.

So Twix, Twix for you.

Yep, one thing worse than no round of applause is someone trying and 3,000 people going, absolutely not.

No, that's not.

I just wanted to hear more from the character.

Not today.

Best for structural integrity, double decker.

Yeah.

Honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it, it's like nothing happens to it.

Oh, yeah.

It's just in there, like, and what?

I'm not sure that's it.

Order us one of them.

Order us deep-fried double-decker.

That's what I want.

I don't want no deep-fried Mars bar.

See, the Mars bars are inside, like,

yeah.

If that's going to scorch my mouth, that's not what my great-grandpappy died for.

I'd rather have a deep-fried double-decker, please.

Double-decker Snickers, I think we'll all agree.

Cream egg?

Cream eggs, but again, I mean, that is a

daredevil spore.

I'd rather skydive than even even that.

I love that, like, when you had Gazpacho, you didn't know it was meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur

when it comes to deep fine chocolate chocolate.

Through

structural integrity.

Every single chocolate, you throw any chocolate bar in.

Well, you're playing with fire then.

Top 15!

Huh?

Top 15 deep fine chocolate to me and Sterling.

This audience just heads up.

They love top 15.

Yeah, they love top 15.

From about 14 to 2, it's really going to feel like they don't love it.

But they're with you.

I mean, it's up to you if you want to attempt doing that.

Considering earlier on, I forgot the word for wet wipe.

I think 15 chocolate bars is a stretch.

Yeah.

The cream egg would be 15.

Worst.

Okay.

Oh, it's that bottom.

Bounty, 14.

Okay, we're doing it.

You can't not do it now.

You can't go into 14 and then not finish it.

Well, Maltesers would be fun, but 13.

They would be fun.

They would be fun, but they're fun.

It's one of those fun ideas.

They would dissolve in the fat, wouldn't they?

If you think about it,

thick batter.

Yeah, it would just be more batter than anything else.

The 13.

12, Milky Butt.

Yeah, that's too soft.

You're not getting any of the files.

Yeah, you're right.

There's a lull, aren't they?

Yeah, but

you've got to hold strong because what they're actually doing is they are fascinated into silence.

They're fascinated.

They're compiling their top 15s in their head.

I've never been anywhere before where top 15s is even a thing.

Yeah.

Why not a top 15?

Glasgow.

Yeah.

They're obsessed with top 15s, not top fives or top 10s like most people.

Top 15s.

It's got to be top 15s.

Yeah.

Top 15s.

Where am I?

You've done four.

You've done

11 dairy milk, 10 fruit and nut.

Okay.

Well, that's interesting because you said the nuts.

So nuts and snickers help the structural integrity.

That's why it's above.

The fruit and nut, what's that at now?

What number is it?

Fruit and nuts, 10.

Above the dairy milk, because it's got no structural integrity.

Fruit and nuts, 10.

Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts, which, as we know, provides structural integrity.

But

we're nowhere near the new Garby snacks yet.

Yeah.

Can I say as well?

Mate, what's the Milky Way?

We're commenting a lot on audience reaction, but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on because it's

so up my street.

Yeah.

Do you know that?

So we're in the top 10 now.

We're in fruit and 9.

We're in.

We're in.

This is great.

So number nine.

Dine

Oh, my God.

A dime bar.

That would be a soup once it was finished.

Fucking you.

Look, man, you put your head in the dragon's mouth.

You took your life into your own hands there.

We can't do anything for you.

Do you think a dime bar would melt?

It would be a soup with just some caramelli croutons.

But that's rock hard in the middle.

You're talking about structural integrity.

That is like a fucking iron bar.

That is incredible.

Iron brew bar, number nine.

That is not chocolate, Ian.

It's whatever you want.

It's not legal.

Is it?

So it could be what you want.

Eight.

Chocolate orange, who said that?

Right, we might have a spoiler for the top five.

Chocolate orange.

Deep-fried chocolate orange.

Yeah.

Just eat like a vinyl.

Also,

you're not going individual segments battered.

You're doing the whole thing.

No, the whole thing.

I'd dip my hand in like that.

Fingers fried.

Worth it.

yeah worth it

i might lose a hand but it's in the name of science yeah good on you man your your mate from the edamame beans eating a chocolate orange with the foil still on

no i've done it again

so where are we in the list seven now seven now seven star bar starbar seven that was

that was suggested but that was always going to be seven

i like how as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things you're shouting out more because you're so anxious that your favorites isn't going to be in the list.

Please!

Six, bounty.

Oh, I thought bounty was

bounty, I think, but the celebrations bounty,

which tastes better than bounty.

Interesting.

Man, I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life.

This is controversial stuff.

This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage I've ever been in my life.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Five.

Boost.

Boost.

Boost number five.

What is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15,

is you're running through the list as if you've got it pre-planned in your head.

Hang on, every time you say a number,

the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say.

Number five, boost, boost.

That's not true.

Number four.

What he said.

Oh my god.

There should be a law passed that that can only be said in a Scottish accent.

That was...

I got a boner when I heard that.

That was incredible.

Absolutely.

A curly whirly boner at that.

Amazing.

Yeah.

I've never heard that said in a Scottish accent before.

It was incredible.

Curly whirly.

It it was the way he said it I imagined his eyes literally rolling round in his head

it was

perfect so look he just walked up yeah

and then went back you know what there's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet and if it isn't said

this is what that's what I was hoping would be brought up the Kit Kat Chunky the Kit Kat Chunky

well we've got spoiler all out uh oh

Four.

Oh there we go.

Now is it a spoiler alert Ian or have you just remembered?

Curly Worley.

Three twex,

two stickers, one Kit Kat Chunky.

Whoa, what?

What happened?

What happened to the double decker?

No double decker.

No double decker mentioned.

No Mars.

Mars didn't even make the top 15.

Yeah.

He said we haven't even got to the new guard base bars yet.

None of them made it into the top 10.

The best one.

You'd already named.

The best one before that.

So I thought, well, at least he's got his number one locked in.

Yeah, chocolate.

Chocolate orange never came up again either.

Oh my god!

Yeah, spoiler for the top five.

Shouldn't have thought so, forgot about it.

As soon as someone shouted out, Curly Worley.

I've never been made to feel a fool about a thing that's

not known a thing that's not a thing.

Yeah.

Your dream side dish, Amelia?

Oh,

my dream side dish is

chicken nuggets.

You seem so tired of having to say that.

No, no, because it I thought was a bit obvious, but it is my side dish.

It genuinely is.

Yeah, just for not no reason in particular.

But okay.

But you do genuinely love it.

I love chicken nuggets.

Yeah, I love chicken nuggets.

I eat them all the time on chicken shop date, off chicken shop date.

I don't really like chicken on the bone.

Me neither.

Oh.

Yeah, don't like it at all.

You have to go at me for it.

You guys need to fucking suck it up.

I just don't like the consistency.

I think it's...

I much prefer a boneless or a breast, a nugget situation.

Don't like a leg, don't like a thigh.

What else do you have?

Wings.

Wit, no.

No.

No.

Is it because is it a genuinely consistency thing, or is it weird for you to have the bone in there?

Because then you think of it being an animal, which we're...

Oh, no, don't mind that.

No.

I don't like.

It gets a bit slimy.

I mean, so what about boneless thighs?

I think that's probably the best, the best cut.

The thighs are the best.

Aren't all thighs bone?

Is there a bone in the thigh?

Yeah.

Yeah, just checking.

Is there a bone in there?

Yes.

I'm suddenly very pro-mansplaining.

Just checking.

You have a bone in your thigh.

When you get up at the end of the podcast, you'd fall straight on the floor.

Oh, gosh.

Yes, chicken nuggets.

Chicken nuggets.

From a particular place?

Is it a Mackie D's chicken nugget?

I think Morley's has the best chicken nuggets.

Woo!

And if also McDonald's do have really good nuggets as well.

How many nugs are you getting from McDonald's if you go in?

You can get 24 nugs, can't you?

Oh, I wouldn't get 24.

I'd get six.

Six nugs, but sometimes I get a happy meal, so I get four.

Yeah,

the ripple went across the crowd there.

Yeah, I weren't sure about that.

Does four just come with the happy meal, or I think four is a happy meal, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, how often are you getting a happy meal?

Uh, I'll normally normally get a happy meal if I go to McDonald's,

yeah.

What are you getting with what with what are you doing with the toy?

Oh, just get keep them at home

and my toy drawer,

yeah,

And a fruit chute.

So you get a fruit chute

in the happy meal.

You can choose fruit shoot, yeah.

You can choose, okay.

What else do you get in that?

Chips.

I will just say this.

I haven't had a happy meal since I was seven, so.

Oh, sucks to be you.

Yeah, you know, McDonald's apparently are the largest toy distributors in the world.

Sorry, we should have explained.

Grimace is in the crowd tonight.

Yes.

That's someone who's recently told a friend that and been told they're full of shit

yes

I was actually thinking recently like what did in these situations like when you say a fact and then your friend's like no that's not true before people had Google and could have it like look on their phone like what happened do you think we can actually tell you

sorry to say that we do remember those times oh yeah it just meant that the whole night was one discussion and you spent the whole night just going like,

but

oh no, because there was a thing.

What was the thing?

You know the thing I'm talking about.

And you were all there and you were just all going insane collectively.

And then you'd have to, it would go on for ages.

It would go on beyond that one night.

You'd see someone the next day.

Yeah.

You'd go, do you know what Amelia said that McDonald's are the biggest toy distributors in the world?

And then they'll go, Oh, I think I heard that somewhere.

Like, did you?

Where did you heard it?

Oh, I can't remember, no?

And then you'd just never know.

Yeah.

And then eventually, we got the internet, and we could all just like.

When we originally got the internet, all of us spent a week

just getting up to speed.

And imagine this: like, you'd have to go to the toilet and just go to the toilet.

Uh, do you?

I don't Google on the toilet.

You don't Google on the toilet?

No.

You're not on your phone on the toilet.

No.

You're not on your phone.

No.

You're not YouTubing?

No.

What are you doing?

I'm just going on the toilet.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't think...

Really?

So you're sat there on your phone?

Watching YouTube on the toilet.

Really?

Yeah, like the other day I had to consciously decide I'm going to leave my phone in the living room.

Really?

I'm going to go for a shit.

Yeah.

And like, it was like the first time I'd like had a shit for ages.

Like, I'd done a lot of shits, but I hadn't had a shit.

Yeah.

Wow.

I really felt like this was my...

I was experienced it.

Yeah, yeah.

I was present for it.

Well, Well, I need my phone on the toilet because every time me and Nish have a shit, we text each other about it.

Which is really weird because they're back to back.

We had to have a specially built toilet.

What do you text, like, I'm having a shit?

Yeah, like, oh, normally if Nish does a really bad one, depending where he is, says say he was at the Manchester Out to Apollo, he'd text me and I'd know he'd had a shit because he'd say, so sorry, Manchester O2 Apollo.

That's like the code.

Yes.

For I've had a shit.

So

your chat history is just I've shit shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've had a shit.

Yeah.

Cool.

Two days ago, I rang Nish and he answered me going, gonna level with you, Jimmy.

I'm having a shit.

I'm like, don't answer the phone, man.

Just don't answer it.

Just ring me back when you're not shitting.

How's that for an idea?

Main course, Frankie.

Now, I was very torn here.

I love checking, and I think it has psychological roots, right?

In that when you were a kid,

like your dad always got the big bit of chicken, leg of chicken, right?

And you got some fucking scraggy bits of chicken.

And as a kid, I often thought to myself, when I'm an adult, I will eat chicken every day.

And I've lived up to that dream.

It's rarely,

I mean, chicken, we all love it.

I love to get it in a Vietnamese place in Glasgow, do a caramelized ginger chicken that that I really like.

Okay, a chicken has to die, but

it's just a fucking chicken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

I'm very tempted to say chicken or like a really good fried chicken or something like that, but

I want to be honest and say what my actual dream meal would be.

I'd like to eat all of the icing off a wedding cake.

Frankie.

Main course.

Main course.

Last night.

Last night we had Ian fucking Sterling on it.

He chose a cheeseboard as his dessert.

Oh, God.

I cried myself to sleep.

You have no idea how good this feels right now

to hear that you want to eat all the ice enough a wedding cake as your main course.

Surely in Scotland if you ordered the cheese board they'd be blowing fucking dust off it before they handed it to you.

Yeah, well that's what you get if you invite on a prick from Edinburgh.

Your dream main course, Joe.

What's following up this quite confusing prawn cocktail?

Chicken care chips and peas.

I knew that as soon as he ended.

A lot of people.

It's been a while.

I think this might be the first time on the podcast you've had a meal that is exclusively eaten on your lap.

That's if I'm getting the hose through the window.

Chicken kiev, chips, and peas.

Yeah.

Now, I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe.

Well, we're not eating in a restaurant.

No.

Whose house is this at?

Stevens.

Tell us about it, yeah.

Went to school with him and he lives opposite his mum.

The house opposite his mum.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

It's at my house, actually.

Can't be looking at his mum's house.

Do you want to hear more of this?

It's at my house.

Yeah, so it's probably

from Waitrose.

Yeah.

Because I haven't spent, yeah.

You can't go do that to him now.

Go, ooh!

After his big chicken Kiev, chips and peas.

Two, I'm having two Kievs.

Respect.

Yeah.

Respect.

It's the only way.

It's the only way.

Yeah, people are leaving on that controversial.

All right, I'll have to.

There was a double Kiev that pushed him over the edge.

He's actually got his asshole.

Some people can't handle the truth.

Gone.

Gone forever.

You know what I mean?

They just looked.

When does Waitrose shut?

Yeah.

Shuts it mine, mate.

Oh, my dude,

he did have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a key.

Oh, get us one while you're there.

So double Kiev.

Yeah, two Kievs.

And what's in, because obviously you can get different chicken Kievs sometimes.

Yes.

That was going to be one of the others.

Also, you can't get different types.

Okay.

No, that's a chicken Kiev is garlic butter, right?

Yeah.

I've just seen them get called chicken Kievs but have other stuff in them before.

Like what?

They've got what?

Stuffing in there.

Other stuff in there, like they chuck some

in there, or whatever.

No, no, the chicken cord on baller with ham.

It's amazing what they'll turn.

They've turned, they've turned.

It's the biggest faux pas I've ever made on the tour.

Yeah,

I'm absolutely with them.

How much garlic butter do you want in there?

Doesn't matter, it'll all seep out while it cooks.

Doesn't matter.

It'll all be coating the bottom.

Yeah,

And when you cut into it, it's completely hollow.

Perfect.

I've forgotten it's in there, so it's slightly too cooked.

Slightly too brown.

So you're making this at home, that's your dream.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, then I don't have to go out.

Yeah.

So all the garlic butter's like just on the baking tray or whatever?

Yeah, yeah, but then

you pour the butter back over

the kievs and you said you tell the other person you put the equal amount on both.

Are you also though, whenever I've made this dish

I'll also pour the garlic butter over the peas at least, most likely also the chips and just like get a little bit of

your own

to you?

You're wrong, but

it should be soaking into the um into the crust of the kiev.

But yeah,

but yeah um people pay i do like i do like the hollowness of it as well like you like the hollowness yeah so you don't want so it would be awful for you if you got the kiev out the oven and none of the butter had escaped that it's all in there well i'd i'd cut the side and put it back in

you breach you breach the kiev and then

needs to all be in the pan yeah

also if you're making this yourself Are you gobbling beetroot the whole time?

Is there some beetroot being eaten the whole time you're making?

I've got beetroot in the house at the moment actually?

I've got three.

It's a bit of a bugbear for Petra.

Sorry, Petra, but I usually have a...

It's not even my other half anymore, just the first name.

Petra, she's there.

Yeah, yeah.

There'll be

about four or five half-empty jars in the fridge, and

we'll be in Sainsbury's and I'll pop another one in the basket.

That'll be an awkward drive home.

Are you going to put them all in one jar?

Nope.

Are you getting through them eventually or is there just a constant cycle of

no there's well there's that awkward moment where you um you pour it in the sink and there's a few

loose ones in the bottom you think

Why not?

That'd be the worst one to choke on a sink one.

Yeah, yeah

tastes like toothpaste

Hold on.

Yeah, I eat them over the bathroom sink.

That's where you pour them out as well.

When the jars are done, you go up to the bathroom.

Look out to the bathroom.

Check that no one's in there.

Yeah.

Then I go, and if there is, I go, do you mind if I quit me?

Eat some beet tree.

Someone just shouted out the worst punt I've ever heard.

Oh, what was it?

What was it?

He said,

be true to yourself.

Oh, I wish there was a way of deleting that.

Oh, edit it out.

The issue with beetroot for me is if I eat beetroot, and I know you're the same, I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me

in a few hours' time that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet, I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer.

But I

change.

Yeah,

how do you celebrate a beetroot shit?

That's not the response I was expecting to that.

But

you go, fucking beetroot.

Should we go on a bike ride?

But what I'm worried about with you, Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly, just don't ever look behind you.

But I'm just worried you're never going to spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong.

Oh, yeah.

I'll take a week off.

Can't say further than that.

What were we talking about?

You said wait rows for your chicken kiev.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I will have Sainsbury's.

Actually, Tainsby's is cheaper.

Because if you if you

if you cook little tip, if you um yeah, if you overcook

a chicken Kiev by about 15 minutes, they all taste the same.

It's like overcooked.

Yeah, but then it doesn't, if you buy a cheap one, you go, that's it, because it's burnt, it tastes the same as a.

So, I don't understand.

This feels like a false economy joke because

you don't have to overcook them.

What do you mean?

You buy a nice one and cook it right, then it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right.

So, why don't you just do that rather than why are you overcooking all of them to make them taste the same?

Because I'm in the middle of a box set.

What's the box set?

Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama.

I never bother learning the names of them.

It's a detective in a town up north.

That's all I know.

And it's very well cast.

So you're getting into that.

Yeah, and I forget I'm cooking it.

Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready?

What alarm?

An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you?

Two good answers.

To be fair.

To be fair, two good answers.

He's got me there.

Would you like to be in an ITB drama one day, Joe?

Do you think you would be good in one of those shows?

No, because I love them too much, so I don't want to go, fucking hell, it's me.

I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it and then be taken out of the maybe that it'd be good if you could get in one right even just walk on part and then at some point go I've do you mind if I do a bit of improv look down the camera and go Joe you've got a keyv in the oven

Now we've had plenty of food talk on the podcast, but not much cutlery chat.

Ardlo Hanlon changed that.

Wow.

What a link.

What a link, this guy.

I mean, it is a nice bit of cutlery chat, to be fair.

But I don't care about water.

I mean,

I know it's got its uses and stuff like that, you know,

irrigation and that sort of shit.

But

I don't really care about it.

What I am really interested in is,

well, the temperature is important.

Yeah.

But more importantly is the glass.

So,

like, I'm really interested in the heft of a glass, that kind of thing.

Yeah.

Like, that would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass.

It would be the, you know, like that.

That's too thin.

Like, this little, this is a thin can of water for those listening that I'm holding in my good hand.

Be careful with the mic in that case.

And it's too thin, so it's not an, there's no pleasure to be had

in in holding this can.

You know, the temperature is fine.

Oh, I've heard that before.

Yeah.

So, so it, so, like, that would, if I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get like tennis elbow or something.

Yeah.

Because you're using extra muscles to get a good grip on it.

Sure.

So, you want something with a bit of weight you want when you pick it up?

Weight is important, yes.

Good point.

And heft, I don't know if heft is the right word to describe like

girth.

Girth.

Girth.

Girth.

Girth, heft, weight.

That's what you would like.

In that order.

So you've got those glasses

that have quite a thick bottom to them.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

When it's like

stops, but then it just carries on a big chunk of glass at the bottom.

I like that.

I mean, the point of Guinness glass is the perfect glass.

Right.

Absolutely.

They know.

They know.

And because it's also got that thing that, that, like, the little bulge about three quarters of the way up,

which is a good

feature.

So girth, heft, weight, and the little bulge three quarters of the way up.

Yeah, that's that's about all you need.

And the lip, the lip is important.

That is not too thin a lip.

Because again, that doesn't channel the water

into the right areas of the mouth.

It channels it onto your shirt.

And that's useless.

Yeah.

Forks are important as well.

So, like, again, the whole like eating is fine, like, okay, you know, there's prefer touching, yeah.

Prefer touching, but also prefer, like,

again, I think it's maybe getting older.

Like, my main interest at dinner will be the heft of the cutlery.

Like, we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago, and this is absolutely true.

So, I got last Christmas for my wife's Christmas present, I got this amazing cutlery.

Like, it is the best cutlery ever.

So, you bought that for your wife?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Lucky girl.

But just imagine you handing it over to her.

She loves design.

Look at the heft on that.

Even more than me, she loves design.

I mean, she's got some outlandish cutlery in her collection,

which she keeps in a different room than my cutlery collection.

So, like, she got these forks, which are like, they look nice, but they're terrible.

Now, look, you know, I shouldn't be talking about my wife in a public forum.

But I feel she needs to know.

And we're not good on one-to-one.

But we've these forks at home.

Like, there's only three tines.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, see,

two of them are splayed outwards, like the outer two.

And they curve outwards.

So you literally you can't pierce anything.

There is no food that I know of that you can actually

pierce.

So what's that fork for?

They're turning everything dirty, Arnold.

Like it's for maybe lifting hay or something and throwing it into a trailer.

Like it's not for.

Whereas the forks I got are, which she's very happy with, by the way.

Yeah, they're not just forks, they have a companion knife and spoon.

That's good.

And they're

like, so you know, brutalism in architecture, right?

These are brutalist.

So

it's a Dutch designer called Martin Haas.

Yes.

Loads of A's in that.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I think there's about five A's in his first name and about four in his second name.

Okay, Martin Haas.

He has these amazing cutleries at.

Anyway, still there sparkling.

It was the question.

It's the most cutlery chat we've had, but it is important.

Well, I'm surprised you don't talk about it more.

It's so

oh, yeah, so I was at this dinner party, and I literally, the next morning, I was really embarrassed.

Like, I literally went around to everyone at the table, because no one ever remarks in the cutlery, and we're always furious the next morning.

They say, Oh, yeah, the dinner is my wife's an amazing cook.

And so they're always going on about the fucking food and everything.

And they never mention the cutlery.

And so at this dinner party, I was going, What do you think of that?

I was just one of those guys going around.

You see it there, and I look, maybe it doesn't look special, but when you actually look at it closely, it's all like it's imperfect.

Yeah.

So there's like there's four tines in the proper,

you know, at the and there's a stem.

Yeah.

You're talking them through the fork.

Yeah.

But like each each of the tines is kind of like slightly weird.

You know, it's.

Little wiggly tines.

Yeah.

And then, but the weight is the important thing.

It's just perfect.

Like sometimes

I literally, it's not even mealtime.

And I will go to the cutlery drawer.

Yeah, when I should be working.

Yeah.

And I will literally just walk around with the fork.

It's feeling the weight of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

the knife is like a saw.

Yeah, it's a really good knife.

If a burglar came in,

which one would you reach for first?

Well, here's the thing.

If a burglar came in, I wouldn't know.

And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you see, we're very interested in design in our house.

Yes.

And my wife,

again,

it's none of your business.

Yes.

The more you mention her, the more I suspect she doesn't exist.

It's just, your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on.

Yeah.

But she buys lamps.

So she loves lamps

almost as much as she likes cutlery.

Yeah.

I don't know if your wife likes cutlery.

So she buys lamps that don't throw any light.

So our house is really dark.

Because all the lamps, the lamps are lovely.

So, it's always design over functionality, and that's a source of contention.

And

literally, there's no light coming out of the lamps.

So, you wouldn't know which one to get.

You wouldn't even know, like, it might as well be a hat stand.

It might even be a hat stand with a lampshade on it.

Like, there's like, there's no, it's, there's literally no light.

There could be squatters living in my house.

I wouldn't know.

This anger explains why you began the show by rubbing your ass on a lamp.

Yes.

But there was one guest who came perilously close to choosing the secret English.

I would have loved to kick this guy out.

What?

As a Royal Albert Hall, no less.

What a little thicko this guy is.

An idiot.

It's Ellis James.

So this is top quality steak, but only a small amount so I can have it with English mustard and then we can move on.

Okay, and that's next to your sea bus.

Now, can we get we need to get into the into the nitty-gritty with the veg here?

So, you've got steamed spinach

with a little bit of nutmeg, green beans,

okay.

Okay, someone's going to need to Google something for us.

Don't move on.

No.

We need to Google.

You've got your phone out.

You know what I want you to Google.

I don't have to say it to you.

Can you tell us more about the green beans?

Well, I really like my greens.

I like kidney beans.

Sorry, something fucking mad is happening in this room.

And I

cannot put my finger on.

Yeah, don't you don't need to put it.

Leave your fingers off it for now.

We've got an army.

Because

I like spinach, I like cabbage.

Yeah.

He's fine.

You're in the clear.

Carry on the clear.

Carry on.

Carry on talking.

I feel like I'm I'm trying to walk across an icy lake.

As long as you walk and don't run.

Tender stem broccoli.

But I would like the chef to discuss them with slightly more enthusiasm than you two, Mr.

on your advert at the start of the podcast.

That's a good advert.

Yeah, we had to...

Originally, James wasn't around.

I had to to record that by myself.

You've never felt more fucking insane than recording an advert for broccoli alone.

My sister thought that advert was fake, was a prank.

She's like, you can't do an advert for tender stem broccoli.

It's like do an advert just for cake.

Yeah.

And just like, I'm not going to go to that, because we give a website address at the end.

So I'm not going to go on that website.

It's just going to be a picture of you, Ed, and toast dressed as broccoli.

Well,

I love my greens, so it's with greens and dauphinoirs, potatoes, and then a disc of steak with English mustard, but only a small one, so I'm not too full.

Because it's a big night.

Are you factoring your dream side dish into that, or is there a different dream side dish?

Different dream side dish.

Okay, well, let's move on to that and hear what your different dream side dish is.

I mean, the two that almost made the cut:

special fried rice,

shredded chili, krispy beef.

But I thought, what genuinely makes me happy

why do I feel like they're looking at a bowl of sausages

I thought sordid it's my dream restaurant so for my side I'd like a box of milk tray

Ellis

Being here with you tonight is very special.

Royal Albert Hall, someone's finally chosen milk tray as their dream side dish.

Can I ask?

No, no questions needed.

I respect the choice, but you're not fucking anyone after this meal.

I beg to differ.

Sometimes, even though we were alive and in public, things got hot and steamy.

No, it's not what Snowden says.

Oh, sorry.

It says sexy.

Sexy is the headline.

Underlined.

And then it says, things go hot and steamy.

Yeah.

It's Damelia and Susan McComer.

My dream drink is,

have you ever had carrot juice?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Love it.

Okay.

Carrot, not just, not just the juice of a carrot.

It's like...

Oh, sorry, I thought that's what it was.

No, then.

To reframe what I think about everything today.

Actually, you know what?

Sorry, this is really unprofessional.

I'm going to change what I had just because I feel like this is a better answer.

I do want to, but you can't leave us with the carrot juice, Mr.

We do need to hear what carrot juice is if it's not the juice of a carrot.

Carrot juice is delicious, just as delicious as the drink that I'm going to choose.

Yeah, but what is it?

What is carrot juice?

It is the juice of a carrot, but it's mixed with like condensed milk and nutmeg and cinnamon and it's absolutely delicious.

Can you use evaporated milk instead?

Absolutely not.

No.

no.

Because they are interchangeable in a lot of things.

Definitely not.

It would be disgusting.

I feel like that's an inside job.

I'm not a team to fuck James.

James's mum did a recipe for us once.

We did a cook-along together on Zoom during the pandemic

because

when we went back into the second lockdown, because someone had fucking noodles.

And

out of context, if anyone takes that out of context, that's me cancelled forever.

That sounds bad.

If any of you are filming this, just clip that up and put it online.

Kurt is up his usual tricks.

I'm fine with that.

You could do that.

Anyway,

James's mum said, I'll do this.

And I did the recipe, and it was shit.

It was a bad recipe.

That's all you need to know.

She did not, Jaminia.

She gave him a precise recipe, and he ignored the recipe.

It said condensed milk, he ignored it and replaced it with evaporated milk, and then complained afterwards that it didn't taste how it was supposed to.

Yeah, that, yeah, that'll do it.

She's a shit cook.

Are you having that?

Have you two ever had a fight?

I'm not instigating, I'm just asking.

Your honour.

No, I can't fight him here in front of everyone.

I'll get him in the dressing room when he's not expecting it.

Speak about my cussing my mum out on stage.

Terrible, terrible.

So, you're not choosing the carrot juice?

I'm not going to go for the carrot juice just because I would like to educate the audience.

And maybe, maybe you already know what this is, but have any of you ever had something called sexy juice?

Sexy juice, right?

Yeah.

And it's not, hang on.

No, it's not that.

Hang on, I've been tricked before with the carrot juice.

Okay,

sexy juice.

Right, sexy juice.

It's basically the same as carrot juice, right?

But

you substitute the carrot juice for pineapple juice.

Maybe that's why it's called sexy juice.

You know that thing about pineapple juice.

So let's have a let's talk about it.

I've never noticed that.

I can't wait to listen to this.

Oh my gosh.

So we've worked out why it's called sexy juice.

There'll be people in here who don't know what you mean.

Explain what you mean.

Right.

Oh, I hope my mum doesn't listen.

All right, moving on.

Right, so sexy juice is...

Sorry, did you say you want the recipe?

No?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, it's pineapple juice, condensed milk, bit of nutmeg, bit of cinnamon.

It doesn't sound all...

It's not fancy, but it's delicious.

It really, really is.

Yeah, I don't want to speak about sexy juice anymore.

Fair enough.

We all know why it's called sexy juice now.

Respect the guest boundaries.

I'm not going to make you talk about sexy juice anymore.

I feel like I've made it so awkward.

I'm so sorry.

Let's go back to carrot juice.

Let's carrot juice.

That's what you mean.

No, that sounds like very nice.

Do you think you've now ruined sexy juice for yourself, though?

Yeah.

Now that you've put that in your head?

No, I'll still have it.

Good on you, mate.

We can bring you like a tumbler of each if you want.

You can have some sexy juice and some carrot juice.

Thanks.

Yeah, no worries.

Thank you, really appreciate it.

No, don't work with me.

Does that work with any other foods?

Say it again, sorry.

Does the thing work with any other foods?

The thing?

The pineapple thing that we're all thinking about now and won't stop thinking about until after the show's done.

Does that work with any other foods?

I don't know.

Are there any like parent and child

in the audience?

There are.

Oh, there's loads.

I'm so sorry.

No, because, no, I'm just saying cuz they might have to have the conversation on the way home or something

I Mean you don't have to it's you don't have to we'll do it now

The most awkward question

other than any parents

Sometimes

When two people love each other very much

look I don't know the science behind it, I don't know if it's true.

Me neither.

Don't look at me, I don't.

I don't know.

Sorry, I'll just look at Ed.

And I don't know if it would work for other fruits.

Well, we've got about 14 tour shows left.

I've only heard the myth about pineapple.

Yeah.

So tomorrow night at the Royal Albert Hall, I'll eat pineapple before the interval.

Yes.

And then we've got a way to open the second half, haven't we?

That probably exists in fan fiction somewhere anyway, so we might as well.

Oh my goodness.

Loads of fan fiction about us, fucking.

Yeah.

Just talk about food and then those grubby little pervs online.

Well, I don't mind it.

No, because you're always the dominant and I'm always getting

fucked and crying my eyes out.

You love it.

Look at the fucking grubby little bastard.

I'm always the one drinking the pineapple, put it that way.

Oh, SpongeBob here.

Oh my God.

Oh,

if you had told me this is where this was going to go,

I'd have still been here.

Pop up, pop back!

Pop up, go back, go to the bottom, pop up, go back.

Yeah.

I thought I was gonna be so ready for that.

Jesus, you're good.

Best jump of the tour, to be fair, so far.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Publish shitting me up.

Oh, my God.

You were riding high on I Love Lemons.

No,

Nothing from Matthew Bainton last night.

He didn't move an inch.

Yeah, but that guy's a ghost.

He's used to scares.

You can't scare a ghost, Matthew.

Oh God.

Well, I'll answer it now.

Bread.

Bread.

Prepper bread.

Prepper bread.

Prepper, prepper.

Prepper bread.

Warm, warm, soft bread.

We don't want anything too hard.

And also, you need really like creamy, like almost melted butter on it.

You don't want to be shagging around, like trying to warm it up and

that's like,

you know what you do when you shag around trying to.

I do know what you mean, what you're going for.

I've just never heard that used in that context.

Yeah, you know, when you're shagging, like when you're trying to achieve something, so you're just putting it around trying to achieve your softer butter.

Fuck you know.

I hate that you're realising this in front of an audience of 2,000 people, but I think you've been using that term wrong.

A lot of people are going to have different opinions of you over the years.

Sorry, I was like, I was shagging around at the airport.

Customs shagging around.

Is that the GP shagging around?

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Yes.

A lot of things are going through my mind right now.

A lot of conversations.

But yes, I love creamy, creamy butter.

I haven't shagged.

Fuck it.

And warm bread.

Do you know what?

Actually, what I really love, if you go to a really like bougie place,

I love when they give you like a basket of bread and there's a variety of different breads rather than just like this is the only bread, dip it in that oil.

Fuck off.

Like, I love the surprise.

I go, ooh, that's quite nice.

And I love, what I really love as a as a starter it is like

just fruit bread like a bit of raisins in it to just to mix it

how do we feel what contraverse

I will shag every one of you

outside kit off now

like no raisin I'm sticking with that that's a hill I'm gonna die on yeah yeah yeah but yeah you gotta stick you gotta stick by what you believe but yeah not popular here in Britain Like the fruit bread here.

Fruit bread.

No, just a little bit.

Not like, I'm not talking excessive amount of raisins, just a little bit.

Dotted around.

I like those breads.

I do like the raisin breads.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I know what you mean.

And also, if it's part of a selection, it's only a small little bit.

It's only a small wedge.

There we go.

You've got a wedge?

Oh, you've got the wedges back on the side.

I've got it back on.

I like them now.

When you toast it, though, with raisin bread, I like it to be toasted.

Not as no, not as, no, not if you're about to have like three courses.

No.

no, have I lost you?

Why is toasting it an issue if you're about to have three courses?

I don't know.

Doesn't it just make it makes it denser?

You're about to have...

No, hang on.

You're about to have

three courses and then someone gives you toast, essentially.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Don't you think that toast is dense?

It's just me.

Oh my god, I'm realising a lot.

I guess...

But if someone gives you bread, it's the same, isn't it?

Nah, but if it's a little...

Nah, because if you hold a loaf, loaf if you hold not loaf if you hold a slice of bread and then you hold a slice of toast do this when you get home the toast is heavier

are you is this another problem with your vocabulary here

have you been mistaking the word heavier for the word hotter and getting

no go go home and try it slice a slice of bread untoasted toasted that toasted one is heavier susan it's going to be late by the time the show's finished i can't go home and start shagging the toaster.

Also, you know, I think, what, what are we, three episodes into the latest series of Taskmaster?

And I feel bad that this audience already knows who's not going to win.

Speaking of Susan Wacoma, we got to know a lot about her dating history.

Let's hear from Susan Wacoma and Susan Wacoma.

So, my very first boyfriend was like

from Tunbridge Wells.

And

any of those details relevant to the stuff?

Not at all.

Tunbridge Wells and just narrowing down everything.

Do you know what?

The reason why I mentioned that is because he's so far away from what I prepared him.

There we go.

So he's from Tunbridge Wells and he's like, Suz, why don't you cook me?

Why don't you cook me one of your...

That's not how he talks.

Go on.

Why don't you cook me one of your

home dishes from Nigeria?

I I can't, I've said I don't fucking like cooking, like eating, I like food being prepared to me, wearing a feather boa and a visor.

Anyway, so he sounds like a great guy, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

Awful, absolutely awful man.

Why don't you cook me one of your home dresses from Nigeria?

Why don't you cook me one of your funny little spicy things?

That's the vibe I got.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the vibe I get for this Chubba Dwells motherfucker.

No, I was talking, no, as I'm doing now, I was talking about how much I love okra soup.

And he was like, well, I'd love to taste it.

And I was like,

four years.

Four years.

Four years.

And so I was like, right, cool, I'm going to do that.

So

I'd made two mistakes.

First one was that I didn't chop the okra

thin enough.

It was too thick.

So when it's too thick, you don't get the stringiness, which is the main event.

It's the main event.

So, when he had it, he was like, Well, this ain't anything like you said.

Well, this ain't anything like you said.

So, I failed there.

Fucking hate this.

I think do you remember you saying something about stringiness?

What is this, Susan?

I wouldn't call this a main event, Susan.

Have you had Shepherd's Pie?

Oh, God, awful.

Yeah, he's a prick.

Anyway, and no, he wasn't.

He was a little bit.

And then, so the second mistake

that I made was that you're only meant to use like you use Scotch bonnets.

You're only meant to use a couple.

Oh, oh, no.

Someone's about to get their come up, isn't it?

I love it.

Good on you, Susan.

How many of you put it?

I don't think this is going to go well with a guy from Tunbridge Wells.

I have a nice big spoonful to begin with, Susan.

Down the hatch, what the hat?

In for a penny, in for a pound.

Fuck weight and contract.

I'm laughing because you're not far off.

Oh, what was I doing?

So you're only meant to use

two, and I use seven.

Oh my god.

I use fucking seven and my my spice tolerance is high.

But even I was sweating from my eyebrows.

I was sweating from like creases in my neck.

I was like shit under my tit.

I was like, wow.

This guy was pink.

He was pink and red.

And he was like,

he fucking killed him.

Oh my god, it was funny in retrospect

well that's good you can see what he's gonna look like when he's 40 at least

oh my god yeah so i love that meal when it's made by other people

yeah so those are the those are my two those are my two mains that's great so can i have both of them

Obviously all I'm thinking about is out

steam coming out of the ears.

Also,

so we've fallen somewhat into a bit of a trap here.

Yeah.

Where Ed and I establish a running joke where you can do it infinite times and all you need to do is do a different phrase before he eats it each time and it's going to make us laugh.

So I've got in for a penny, in for a pound, and for queen and country in my head.

And if it wasn't for the fact we're on a time limit, that would have carried on for half an hour.

I had another boyfriend.

Quite a few.

Here we go.

Next on the chopping block, step up.

I had another one.

Now, this one, who I won't name, was a proper, he was a bitch.

He was a, I did this.

Like, I think of him and I just think, what the fuck was I doing?

Like, everyone else, I'm like, good memories, some good times.

But this one, I'm like, could have done without that.

Like, scratch that fucking out.

However,

after a breakup, I tend to go, okay, what am I going to leave with?

What's like one thing that I take with me?

Can I just check?

Are you speaking as Susan now?

Are you the character with that hatred?

This is me.

I'm going to be her.

That's in about, that was about five fucking minutes.

I'm going to be her.

But no, so he was a bitch, but

he showed me this snack.

So he was like...

Why does that sound dough?

That's a dirty.

There are a lot of innuendos in this episode.

And when you draw out a sentence like that, it's going to be dirty.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

He showed me this.

He showed me a snack, and it was this.

So he was, we went out one night, we came in, and he was just like, oh, I want to show you like my favourite nighttime snack.

I was like, babes, yeah.

Come on in.

By the way, may I say, oldest trick in the book.

So he's like, right, so I'm just going to get some crackers.

I was like, okay, all right, get the crackers out.

So he got some crackers.

Crackers.

And then he got, he sliced some cheese, just cheddar, just boring cheddar.

And then he got ketchup.

Yeah, that's why I'm not with him.

And

he put it on the cheese.

I was like, literally, I was watching him going, fucking hell, like...

Am I going to have to put a pillow over his head?

Humanity, is it down to me?

Is this the moment where I'm like I must stop this continuing um and then he put the other cracker on it I was like fucking hell I don't love anyone this much I don't um and then I ate it was fucking sick

absolutely a meh anything it was gorgeous so crackers Jacob's crackers

Slice of cheddar, just a couple of slices, ketchup, bosh, bish, bosh, put it in your mouth, gorgeous.

That would be my side dish.

Your dream side dish.

Oh,

I love this sound.

You lot are amazing.

You lot want to beat me up, and I love it.

Your dream side dish is crackers, cheddar, and ketchup that was shown to you by, and I quote, a proper bitch.

Yeah.

You said you didn't take anything from this relationship.

No, but that was the one thing I took.

The one thing.

That was the only thing I took.

I mean, it's awful, Susan.

Yes, it is awful.

And he likes cheese boards.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

And he hates the...

So, like, I know I'm the last person who's now going to back you up on it because I hate cheese boards.

So, obviously, I hate that.

Yeah, of course.

No, that's all right.

I mean, has he got a name?

Did he give it a little nighttime?

He strikes me as the kind of person who would give it a little cheeky night.

I'll give it a name.

It's a fucking dairily lunchable, is what it is.

Oh, he was in his 50s as well.

I know, don't you think he's a bitch?

Yeah.

Hang on.

What?

Suddenly, I didn't give a shit about food anymore.

You were going out with a guy in the 50s who was like, Let me show you my favourite contact.

Now you get the pillow thing.

I was like, geez.

Try that, Susan.

Try that.

But you'll have to be quiet, otherwise, you'll wake Mother.

Again, you're not far off.

Have you brought a girl home?

Go to bed, mother.

You've been happy up all night, merry, making dairy learns of us.

Mother, please, I'm a man now.

I sleep in the big bed.

Again, not long, you're not far off.

Wow.

You're not far off.

This guy,

please.

Wait till you see this.

It's going to blow your mind.

Catch up.

Mine many years on this planet, Susan.

Learned many a thing.

You probably haven't encountered this.

I'll let you see how I make it, but don't tell anyone.

It's a family secret.

Even under your hat, Susan.

A Jacobs cream cracker.

The weakest cheddar imaginable.

A suggestion of ketchup.

And here's the twist.

A second Jacobs cream cracker.

You must remember, we used to love this when we were children because when I was born, we were still in the back end of rationing.

Are you talking about the rationing again?

I hope you haven't eaten all the crackers,

mother, please.

you be in my nice cheese

don't you be eating my nice cheese again i'll come down there give you help i'll box your ears

oh my god

that maids that made every second of that year with that guy worth it.

Thank you so much.

Fuck it hell.

Mother!

Probably that's the most I've laughed on the whole tour.

Yes.

Was hearing about Susan's boyfriends?

Yes.

Now, obviously, we've got a bit of toilet humour on the live episodes as well, just like we do on the recorded ones.

Oh, this is recorded as well.

Of course, our PMP podcast was represented at the live shows too, is what Benito's written, and that was probably more concise than what I tried to say then.

Just one name, John Robbins.

John Robbins, shitting yourself.

Well, the next course you'll be glad to hear is the starter.

Lovely.

40 minutes in.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it actually is.

Sorry, John, go on.

So, the next course, every year for the past sort of six or seven years, I've lived in Edinburgh when I do the festival with George Egg.

And Alexon Brogenburn from Portugal.

Race to that, absolute race to it.

I backed down.

And people might know George Egg as the anarchist chef or snack hacker on YouTube.

He's got a channel where he hacks snacks, stuff you can sort of do in your car, which appeals to me.

Are all your friends your favourite YouTubers?

To an extent.

I do have a YouTube channel with Alex Horne.

I do.

But so he living with him in Edinburgh is just such a treat because AE is a wonderful guy, but also he's not just a brilliant chef, but he loves cooking and he gets excited about you tasting stuff and he likes presenting it to you.

You know, he's cooked me a six-course meal in Edinburgh before, but what I would like to go for for my starter is what we'd always have for breakfast together, which is George Egg's cuppy egg on veggie haggis with a craft cheese slice, kismot Mr Naga sauce, and a mocha pot coffee with evaporated milk.

Yeah, sounds very nice.

It sounds lovely.

It does sound lovely.

So

I could talk you through it very quickly.

Yes.

Cuppy egg, you butter the bottom of a mug, crack an egg into it, put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds.

It makes a perfect poached egg, but buttery.

He puts that on the top of vegetarian haggis, which is sliced into a circle that's been fried.

Between those is a craft cheese slice.

And then we went for a curry.

in Kismot in Edinburgh and the hot sauce was so nice that we asked if we could take some home with us.

So they put it in a little plastic pot, and it was so delicious that if you just dip the end of like a fork tine

into it and dip a bit of the oil off, it's just wonderful on poached eggs or on cheese, like melted cheese.

So we'd have that for breakfast and make a little coffee in Georgia's got like an espresso-sized mocha pot, and you mix it with evaporated milk and it's just sweet.

And it's like a sort of shot of sweet coffee goodness.

And that will remind me of wonderful mornings in Edinburgh with my dear friends tasting wonderful food.

That's lovely John and George Egg is a magnificent chef so I imagine that tastes very nice.

I think a few people in here might try that cuppy egg.

That sounds like something that...

He's well the cuppy egg is on his YouTube channel so you can find out how to make cuppy egg.

But also that's that naga sauce you can buy.

If I mention like stuff you can buy, does it fucking ruin it forever for the suppliers?

Because they suddenly have a billion orders.

No, you're going to get some for free.

Yeah.

The audience get them for free?

No, you won't, not the audience.

No, they won't.

But you will, it will turn up on your doorstep probably before you've even got home tonight.

Well, I don't need any because I've got some.

Yeah, well bad luck, you're going to get some more.

But anyway, if you want that delicious chili sauce, it's called Mr.

Naga.

And it's basically like sort of chili, it's oil with sort of crushed chilies, but it is fucking delicious.

But do use with caution for Christ's sake.

It will bite you on the ass, both literally and in a very horrible way, metaphorically.

You've had a few nightmares over the years, haven't you?

With stuff.

A few close shows.

But I haven't actually shipped myself since 2002.

Not true?

No, it's rumor.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Well, there is no need to say, I'd forgotten about that.

There's no need to say that.

Just lying.

Just lying, John, throwing years around

so confidently.

I guess, in a way, does that count as shitting yourself?

That story?

I mean, obviously, I'm on the cusp of just describing it.

I never had that combination again of neck oil and bang bang cauliflower

with Frank's extra hot wings sauce.

It was a fucking car crash.

Just saying that out loud, of course, no one should have that.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I didn't know that.

Neck oil, bang, bang cauliflower, which sounds like a metaphor for shitting yourself.

Oh, no, I've done a bang bang cauliflower in my pants.

Do you want to quickly run through the story?

Oh, God,

I had neck oil and bang bang cauliflower.

And it was just, I was going through a bad period with my guts anyway.

I was drinking quite a

it was drinking quite a lot.

The cauliflower and the batter was a fucking mistake.

The sauce was just arrogant

and

I was in a situation where I couldn't fart freely.

So I...

I don't...

For me, that situation has never existed.

Oh, come on.

It was what time in the morning, was it?

It was.

It would have been like 1:30, 200.

1:30, and you were at the time in a relationship and didn't want to fart in front of them.

Yeah, even though they were asleep.

That's as much as I would like to say about that.

You're a gentleman.

Yeah.

Oh, actually, yeah, I was a gentleman.

And what do gentlemen do in that situation?

They don't fart in the bed.

They don't fart in the bed.

They go downstairs, try to fart in some kitchen roll, and shit themselves.

Have you not read any etiquette guides?

My favourite thing about that is I understand going downstairs.

I get that.

I'll go in another room and I'll fart.

But then going, I need some sort of muffler.

I thought he would deaden the sound.

It actually turned out to be a masterstroke.

Our guests.

Oh, here we go.

This is the point where the categories get really.

I can't believe that this is a category.

Okay,

I get it now.

Our guests had plenty of wild stories.

Like wild animals.

Nature.

Is that what you meant?

No, it's not what you meant.

He just meant

I just saw that a couple of them are about animals.

I assume they all were.

Sam Campbell, Lucy Beaumont, Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont again, and Sam Campbell again.

I'd say the key is just don't turn up the heat too high.

You've got to low and slow with caramelized onions.

It's going to take way longer than you think it's going to be.

Is it one of these things?

Some people are talking about things that take 12 hours to cook.

Is that real?

Not real.

I think it's real, but not onions.

I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus, but I wouldn't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do.

How low would you have to go, heat-wise, to cook them for 12 hours?

And then they still, how you want them?

You could put them in the oven, I reckon, overnight on a very, very low heat.

And it would, I mean, it probably wouldn't caramelize them, but it would bake it overnight.

Do that with tomatoes, man.

You do little tomatoes in the oven.

You're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight.

Overnight.

Pretty cool.

I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I wouldn't.

You wouldn't be able to sleep.

I think the house is going to catch fire.

Oh, right.

Yeah,

I thought you meant you'd be so excited about the tomatoes.

No.

Well,

getting at me keep looking through the it's like christmas yeah it is a bit my wife used to share a flat with someone uh he's a lovely man he's still a very good friend but the first night she was sharing the flat with him she was like weirded out because she was in a new place or whatever she got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water about three four in the morning she came into the kitchen and all of the lights were off But he was stood in front of the oven and the light from the oven was just lighting him.

And he was baking a cake.

four in the morning completely silently watching a cake bake

you respect that pretty late for a cake

so yeah I think half an hour to 45 minutes what's the longest that someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay Wow

good luck man good luck with this one

I guess like barbecue like Texas barbecue food, you've probably cooked that for, you know, 15, 16 hours sometimes, with like a brisket or pulled pork.

Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years?

Is that what am I...

Why are you asking questions?

You've already got the answers to them.

No, I thought he would know.

You mean like in, I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere where they've...

It might be in Japan, apologies if I'm wrong, but they've got like a soup that's been cooking for like hundreds or thousands of years.

Do they ever dip into it?

Yeah, I think they've.

No one, they haven't had any yet.

I hope it's good.

But I think that's like, they're adding to it all the time.

So there's like bits that have been there for that long.

Like a sourdough starter.

You know, a sourdough starter, you're just adding to it.

Didn't someone do that with a rock and it was a trick?

No, I think you're right.

I think it might be a fable or something.

Do you like a stone soup?

Yeah.

Do you know about this?

Or the stone soup fable?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You know this one?

Yeah, yeah.

They keep adding.

Yeah, they've got that.

So this guy, he's got like a...

Okay, Okay, that's not how fables start, sound.

We don't know how Australian fable came.

And then there's another...

I think most Australian fables go start off with this guy or this Sheila.

There was this fella, and pretty much all he had was a rock.

That's all he's got.

Somehow ends up with an incredible meal.

How?

Here's what he did.

He went...

He, so basically he goes, oh my god, we're making this amazing soup.

Everyone's got to contribute something.

I've got this rock.

What have you got?

Someone's like, I've got some amazing type of food ham ham I've got some celery celery basically everyone in the community contributes one thing and at the end of it he's got this amazing soup he goes well yeah we've made we've made this and then he got to have some of it

I had forgot that fable and yeah when you told us

I like the way you told that fable though as if it was just something your friend told you.

Can you do the tortoise and the hare for me?

Basically there was this,

it was a pretty huge race.

I'd be surprised if you didn't hear about it.

So, yeah, I think a lot of animals were involved.

I'm actually not too sure about which other animals were in it.

These two do tend to dominate the story.

But yeah, a huge race.

Everyone thinks the hare is going to win.

Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag.

This is yours.

And the tortoise...

The tortoise is like, oh, do I even stand a chance?

Should I even enter?

His coach was like,

you should do it

it is for charity and

yeah

so yeah beautiful charity and um what charity sorry what charity was did it was the tortoise running for alopecia

yeah

it affects tortoises quite badly yeah it does well they

anyway

it is is maybe in poor taste to have a hair.

Would you like crackers to start this?

No I don't want crackers either.

I want

I want bread.

Right, well what the what the

I know but I just wondered why it was just Papa Domsar bread, but and I do want bread but I don't want fancy bread.

What I want is do you know Jackson?

Are you allowed to say actual names of things?

Feel free, yeah.

It's nice to know you've listened to different episodes.

Oh no, I've listened to a lot of them.

I just can't remember if they've.

Yeah, you could say, Brad.

You told us you listened to a lot of episodes

in a row, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you just tell us what happened?

Why you ended up listening to Loden?

Yeah, you listened to quite a lot in a row, didn't you?

More than you were anticipating.

Yeah.

I got stuck behind a horse.

God, it was a night.

It's not yet funny to me.

Do you know what I mean?

This is only a few days ago.

Yeah.

It's bloody hot.

There's a very large wood where I live, and I couldn't get past the horse.

And if I'd have taken a different turn off, I would have had to have gone a long way around.

So I just

walked behind it.

Hang on.

Hang on, this is the second time I'm hearing this story, and this is the first time that I'm realising you were on foot.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

I thought you were in a car on a road behind a horse.

I didn't know you were in some enchanted woods walking.

That sounds magical, Lucy.

Yeah.

How do you get stuck behind a horse on foot?

Well, but I don't have a driver's license, so.

But

can't you walk around the horse?

I didn't want to scare it.

I just thought, well, I was thinking, she'll notice, because there was a woman on the horse.

I was thinking,

I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past.

But

I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse.

And she just didn't for absolutely ages.

And so I listened to quite a few podcasts.

So, how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse?

I think two hours.

It's a really big wood.

So, plenty of room to maybe.

Oh, yeah.

And then finally, she noticed me and she moved to the side and she let me pass.

I was like, Thank God for that.

And then my shoelace came undone.

I bent down to do it and just saw this fucking horse just

go past, and then then, and then, so it happened again.

I was behind the horse for ages.

She let me then again go past, and a guy said, Come here, Moosey.

So, I went to him, and the horse overtook me.

Hang on, and he was talking to his dog.

He wasn't,

he said, I'm talking to my dog love.

I mean, it's consistent with what happens in a Toby Carvery, isn't it?

You hear Lucy?

Like, yeah.

Yeah, oh, it was, I was so annoyed when I got home.

I was like, she just wasted my day.

And then I've got to pick my child up from school.

Like, the whole day is gone.

I haven't got anything done.

I've been like just looking at this horse's ass.

Joe.

Yeah.

Did someone want to have to do the Heimlich on you?

Because

you choked on some big fruit.

Sorry, Big Troot.

No.

No.

Yes, they did.

That man is that.

It's not the man.

We'll give him a wave.

Oh, no, yeah, he saved my life.

He didn't save your life, wasn't he?

He didn't save your life.

His friend, Karosh.

Kurosh?

Yeah, where's Karosh?

He's down.

He's in my...

I can can tell you if he's I've got his phone number here.

Is he in?

So you exchanged numbers not in.

So you exchanged numbers after.

I could phone him.

Yeah.

He saved your life.

Can we get a bit of background on the story before you phone him?

Yeah.

It's going to be a bit of a weird phone call if we don't know if you're about it.

Where were you?

I was at, I was.

I was in my house and I was...

What?

Hang on.

I'm glad we got some more background on this story.

What are you talking about?

You're in your house.

I'm always in my house.

What do you mean?

Yeah, but okay, to keep telling the story.

Why is me being in my house weird?

Because

you choked on beetroot, and then a man who I presume you didn't know before called Karosh saved your fucking life.

Yeah,

I hardly ever look in the spare room to be fair.

But that day, I happened to pop in there, and there he was.

Now, what happened?

I was cooking, and as i was cooking i like to eat beetroot

uh okay let's pause before we carry on

okay there's a lot of pausing and asking you

no real details are weirder than you think yeah

okay okay why do we uh why is it beetroot your snack of choice when you're cooking some people drink red wine when they're cooking yeah you eat you eat beef slices of beetroot uh preferably crinkle cup

well that turned that turned out to be your downfall on this day isn't it oh yeah we'll get there and

I,

because

when I'm cooking, I'm usually hungry.

Yeah.

That's unique, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I've listened to your pod, and I don't know.

Some people do that as well.

They cook when they're hungry.

Paul Rudd.

Yeah.

That's really nice to follow that little what.

Sauty.

So

I was eating beetroot and

quickly

because

I love the stuff and

it suckered itself into my throat, went

and I could no longer breathe.

So I ran out into my garden, I looked at my other half and I thought, she's not going to help

because she was

she absolutely loves the book she was reading at the time

and I thought I doubt she'd put that down yeah do you remember do you remember what the book was

I think I think it was a Jackie Collins but I couldn't be sure

was it Petra she's in she'll hate me saying that so I so I thought what do I do and I went a bit matrix I was I started to think for the first time in my life

that's matrix that's that's what you call going a bit matrix.

Yeah.

Suddenly you knew the appropriate term for a lamp.

Tapped into something higher than myself here.

And I picked up the pace.

It was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway.

And

I ran outside.

And

so you went into the garden, looked at your partner, ran back inside again, and out the front door.

Yeah.

And you got like just red red just pouring down your beard I'd imagine.

Well it it wasn't because

I'm very

because I've eaten a lot of beetroot I'm like

I'm I'm I tend to be good at it.

Yeah it's just this one time.

It nearly killed you.

Yeah.

To be fair there was not a drop on me.

So I ran out.

This is in COVID as well, so no one was about.

So I thought it's probably not the best idea.

But Metis

had broken all the rules and was out and I was like

you can save my life but I'm not happy about it and

I reported him later

he got four months

and I was he was a big lad he's a big lad isn't he he's a big lad he's about six well very strong muscular arms if I remember right

and I was pointing at my throat and he went and I was like, there's nothing else I can do here.

And then I remember him saying,

I can't do the, he said, I can't do the Heimlich.

And I was, well, you're going to have to learn.

So we both googled.

He had better 5G than me.

So

he just picked me up like a ragdoll and then

shook me and then it shot out and hit the side of a car.

I wasn't expecting to tell that.

Is this how the pods should start?

I don't know.

And then you exchange numbers after that.

Yes, I've got him down in my phone as lifesaver.

Yeah, I know.

What a guy I am.

To him, I meant.

Call him.

Nah.

Do you chap much with Lifesavers?

Not as much as I should.

Every time you're eating some beetroots, take a selfie of yourself.

Guess what?

I hope you're nearby.

Yeah, I've got him as my emergency number now, because

I've swapped him for my wife.

Yeah, so yeah, that happened.

That's weird.

Do you still eat beetroot?

Yeah.

Someone told me, I was talking to to my neighbour about it the following day and I was telling her, and she said, oh, I have a friend of hers and she had problems eating for like months.

She had to go have therapy about it.

I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes.

To the point, my missus is like, Christ, you don't learn.

And I'd like them so I can have different, I'd like a few soups.

Judge, who wants one soup, one type of soup?

Most people.

So you've got all these

Yorkshire puddings with the cottage pie in them.

It's got a bit of joking in them.

Have you had that before?

Is that something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie in the Yorkshire puddings?

Yeah.

Okay.

And the soup, and then you also want about the same size?

Yeah, please, yeah.

In the Yorkshire puddings again.

Soup in the Yorkshire puddings.

Yeah.

It's all in these little Yorkshire puddings.

Do you want to take us through the soups that you want?

I really like mushroom soup.

Yeah.

It's brilliant.

So, mushroom soup in one of them?

Yeah.

I had an incident.

Can I just check?

I can't wait to hear, but I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in.

Do you have an incident per soup?

No.

No, so just mushroom soup.

I'd love to hear it.

Do you know during lockdown that

you know that nice bit where everyone was dying, but it was sunny?

I mean, yeah, I do know the bit you mean.

I'm going to say, if you say that in the future,

sunny should come after the nice bit.

The nice bit where it was sunny, but unfortunately, everyone was dying.

That's the order I'd do it in.

Well, every morning I would open the curtains and I see on the lawn this little bird, and it was there every morning.

And I was

like that.

And I'd go downstairs and go, oh, that little bird was there.

And then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot.

And so I went onto the lawn.

It was a mushroom.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I mean,

I would say,

obviously there's a lot to say about that.

I think the fact that for days you mistook a mushroom for a bird and talked to it is pretty big news.

Went downstairs every day when I saw the little bird again.

Yeah,

would tell your husband, I saw the little bird again.

But I would also say that story doesn't need the context of, do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone was.

I don't think it needed that.

I think you could have said that happened at any point.

Didn't need to know it was locked down.

I didn't think it needed, like, in the background

just that knowledge that everyone was dying.

Do you think you have a unique stink, Sam?

It was in my scent.

Yeah, do you have a natural scent that is unique to you?

I do.

I mean, you know, I live in a corporate new build these days.

Yes.

And it has a treadmill.

I've been trying to run, I'm working my way, I'm trying to run 10 kilometers every day.

That's pretty good.

And after that, I do, and I often get lost in my building.

Like, I haven't really figured it out yet.

I'll walk around.

Are you running on the treadmill or around the building for 10k?

It's just a complicated building.

I think they like...

It's only at 30% capacity and it's getting...

There's some weird stuff going on where I live.

Like what sort of weird stuff?

There's no lights in the gym, so I run in complete darkness.

Are you supposed to be living in this building?

Because to me, it sounds like you've moved into like

a show property.

You know, when they build the flats, first of all, and they deck some of them out with, like, furniture to show you what it would be like if you bought them, but it'll say, opening in 2026.

Have you just moved in?

This explains why a lot of my flatmates are going to cut out people.

No, it's real.

It's the real deal.

It's the real deal, yeah.

It's at 30% capacity.

Yeah.

Have you met everyone else who lives there?

I've met a few, and it's pet-friendly.

I don't have a pet, but I'm going to, they're having soon the meet the pets event.

And I'm going to, you know, they can't stop me from going to that.

Yeah.

But yeah, after I run, I do.

I do.

You stink.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah, yeah.

Do you stink or do you?

Yeah, I stink sometimes.

Yeah.

Is the meet the pets event in a room that has lights, or is it in complete darkness again, and you have to feel the pet and guess which pet it is?

That's got him, isn't it?

Man, that is so messed up.

Imagine going to a fully in darkness meet the pet event.

Your mind

If you went to a fully in darkness meet the pet event, what would be your favourite animal?

Eel!

That would be your favourite animal to meet, would it, in the dark?

To touch.

To touch in the dark would be an eel.

I mean,

this is.

I would worry the lights would come up on no one's got an eel.

And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But make this the whole show.

It's darkness.

It's pets in the darkness.

This is nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you think you could identify different people's, like what animals they were in the dark if you touched them?

I think most of them I'd go, okay, yeah.

Yeah.

I'd struggle with some of the breeds.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like we think Jack Russell, but you know, let's see.

And then here's the twist of the meeting pets in the dark event in your building.

So, all the pets are at one side of the room, and you go and feel them, and the owners are at the other side of the room, and you have to feel them and then match them up with it.

You could do that?

What would be your technique of the way you'd figure out?

Sorry, I've just seen two people leave.

It was me who did it, Sam.

That's not on you, buddy.

I imagine that's the point.

Where are you going?

We're going to get...

We need to grab the cockatiel.

Wow.

So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then matching.

I don't know if I'd be good at matching the owner and the pet.

But what would be, I mean,

you're doing well on Taskmaster right now.

You've won a few

of those.

So, like, if that's a task, how are you?

Am I allowed to speak to the pet?

Yeah, that's the one you'd want to speak to, I guess.

Yeah, yeah,

you can speak to one of them, and you've chosen the pet, yeah.

That is, yeah, that's one of the rules: is that

you can either speak to the pet or the owner, but you can't speak to both of them.

I think I know.

Hold on, can I change my answer?

I will talk to the owner.

But perhaps the wildest of them all and the most popular was Tommy Tiernan in Dublin.

Main course, Tommy?

I'm not

interested in that question, but I would like to

my dream main course would be again,

I'm not mad for

I'm not mad for meat.

I prefer not to eat meat.

It's not a I'm not a vegetarian or anything.

I don't think you're actually eating a cow.

Like it was a cow, but it's fucking not a cow now.

It won't be a cow

tomorrow.

It won't

it'll be something else tomorrow.

I wouldn't eat a cow.

I wouldn't have the

nerve

to go up to a cow and just start eating it.

I wouldn't do that.

Nobody would.

I wouldn't even do it to like a chicken or

but once it's like what's on the plate is not the thing that was in the field.

But I still don't.

I would eat

a chicken if it was somehow in the shape of a baby.

I bet they could do that.

I fucking bet they could do that.

They could genetically, I'd not,

it would still taste like chicken, but it would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, what the fuck is he eating?

Like, you imagine that would be quite easily done.

Like, a plump roast chicken lying on its back would not need that much work

to look like a baby.

Yeah.

And people would be going, going, is he fucking, what's the fuck?

Is he on?

I think he's eating a baby.

So

let's just park that for the moment.

Don't make that weird with any of your questions.

Okay.

Sorry, I've got nothing to add there.

But I would be a big fan of roast potatoes.

So I love roast potatoes and like I said, a very simple taste when it comes to food.

So, roast potatoes don't matter how badly they're roasted, overdone, underdone, rightly done,

it almost even doesn't matter what's on them.

Rosemary or salt.

I was going to say Maura, Sandra, Trassa.

I like to pull potatoes out of the lid.

Who's this guy?

Yeah.

I like this guy.

Puts him back in the genie bottle.

I like him.

Who is he?

He's fucking maddies.

What was I talking about?

Rosemary, roast potatoes, yeah.

So it doesn't matter.

Good point of that guy.

It doesn't matter what's on the potatoes as long as they're roasted.

and I love them.

I'd almost eat them as

all the time as

everything.

Like get up in the morning

and just, you know,

have two.

And then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether.

And then in the evening have about seven

and one going to bed.

I fucking love roast potatoes.

And I'd like when parsnips are roasted,

little slivery kind of with the, do you know when they're almost over-roasted?

And they've this almost like this

a tail, a little

wisp of something defiantly burnt but still parsnippy.

And

carrots, I do roast carrots.

Sometimes they put a honey thing on.

I fucking discovered this popcorn recently that has blown my mind.

Kills, have you heard of kills?

You have to eat these before you go back to any cues, kills.

Kills.

Well, this episode is going to be released audio.

I can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like, you've done a mad job editing this because

you've clearly missed out a bit.

He was talking about all the most vegetables he likes, and then you just hard cut him and talk about popcorn.

So

we're going to have to go on that.

No, no, that is what's fine.

We were not

popcorn immediately.

No, there is a link, and the link is that Kyo's do this new popcorn now.

Well, I only discovered it like two or three weeks ago.

It's honey and sea salt fucking popcorn.

Like, these people have nothing better to be doing

than just thinking the shit to put on popcorn.

It is delicious.

So I would, the carrots would have

a kind of a honey.

Don't the carrots have a honey glaze on them sometimes?

I kind of like burnt food.

I like, you know,

food that's just fucking, it's like

annoyed at you.

That's what burnt food is, isn't it?

Burnt food is kind of like, fuck you.

Isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Like when you're having rashers, like a good bit of the rasher can be all right.

And then towards the end, it's going, oh, fuck you.

So I like my main course would be

mainly veg, but if possible, chicken in the shape of a baby.

Oh, thank you, Tommy.

So many complaints.

My baby.

The fucking baby, is that?

Yeah.

Fucking hell, that's the most unlaughtable tour, actually.

I was going to turn back.

I've never eaten the fucking baby.

Here we go.

This is my favourite category so far.

Fucking hell.

But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh.

He'd beat it, he'd been laughed once.

What was he writing that down for?

He didn't have a laugh the whole tour.

He had a little smile when we were in the house.

He had a little smile.

Whenever things were going wrong for us, he'd had a little smile on his face.

But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh.

Matthew Bainson, Jessica Nappet, Mike Wozniak, Ian Sterling, Matthew Bainson, Jessica Nappet again, Mike Wozniak, and Ellis James.

Do you want to hear about the catcher?

I'd heard somewhere that it's like the test of a really good pastor chef is cacho epe.

And I had no idea why, and I had never had it up to a point where I was in Los Angeles for the and it was the first time I'd been there and I had like a quite sort of dispiriting week of meetings with people that were aimless and didn't lead to anything and it was like the last day of this

and I came out of this meeting really really really early

and I had a car booked for like two hours later to take me to the airport and I was like, oh fuck, I've got nothing to do.

And you can't walk walk anywhere in LA or you can try but it will just be you and homeless people everyone else is driving but there was a restaurant like on the block so I thought oh fuck it I'll go in there and Cacho Pepe was on the menu and I thought oh I've heard that's sort of you find out if if the chef's really good and it was just amazing and after that it became a sort of thing of like anywhere where it was on the menu I wanted it.

Do the chefs know that you're testing them every time you order it?

I mean that's the case in any thing you order in a place.

I suppose so.

The general idea is

I want to like it.

I guess I don't see my relationship with hospitality like that, that the chef better be on his fucking toes.

It's exactly chef.

Yeah, true.

I just,

I kind of liked the story of it.

Like, that's meant to be the one that you can.

If you can nail that, you can nail anything.

And apparently, it's all about the amount of

salty water that you've made the pasta in.

You've got to reserve a bit of that broth.

It's got to be just the right amount and just the right temperature when you add the cheese.

Can't be too hot.

Can't be too much.

It'll go watery too much, you know, not enough and it's just going to be kind of thick and gloopy.

You've got to get it just right.

And it's amazing if you do.

Every time you've had a catcher pepe in a restaurant, do you walk into the kitchen afterwards and go, you pass the test?

You

are the chef.

I think on that occasion, the first one I've had, I did actually say, can you tell the chef that was incredible?

That's good.

I don't think I've ever done that, you know.

Compliments to the chef.

Please tell the chef.

Now who's the asshole in the restaurant?

They know.

The thing is, when you guys go to a restaurant now they must be thinking that.

You must be treated like food critics now.

Is that true for you James?

Yes.

Every time I go to, especially if it's a dessert,

the place we went to today, the person came out, the chef and said, I listen to off-menu.

Thank you.

He went, Two Tim and Masseus?

Well actually, he said, do you want to Tim and Masseu?

And my dad went, two please.

Nice.

That's just reminded me of a time I was at a cafe with Ben Wilbond, who's another

of the ghosts gang.

Does he believe in ghosts?

You'll have to ask him.

And

we ordered some food, and the waitress, when she came over, put the plates in front of us and went, Couple of tarts.

And it was that on edge that to this day it still comes up.

Do you think she meant

there was just momentary eye contacts?

Yes.

A couple of tarts.

She must just push it further and further every day, I think.

I think she's trying to get further.

To clarify, we had ordered tarts.

Yes.

That's an important thing.

We had ordered tarts.

She didn't put down caccio pepper and go,

couple of tarts.

A couple of fucking slacks there.

Did she mean to do that?

We have a similar thing in my family that we still talk about.

Because years ago, we went to, we used to live in Banbury.

And

we went back there as a family,

just to like, you know, old stomping ground.

Went to this tea room,

ordered a a round of Banbury cakes, what Bamburi's famous for.

There's one lady working there, like oldest lady you've ever seen,

and she bought out all the Banbury cakes from a circular table.

And she

gave me her.

And then my brother was the far end, so she went, she went, here's your Banbury cake, and then farted so loud

and then like claimed it as well.

So she went, here's your bamboo cake.

Pardon me?

And

is that now what you say when you?

Yeah, here's your bamboo cake.

It's still a thing in my household.

Do you say it before you fart?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Because also she was looking dead at him.

Yeah.

Here's your bamboo cake.

It was so disrespectful.

My mum was like crying with laughter.

She hadn't even left the table yet because she's a very slow old lady.

So she's still like doddering round to leave and my mum's

streaming.

I'm going to spend the rest of this conversation fixated on trying to fart.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You won't be the first guest.

There's no, and there's no doubting what happened there.

It's not like the couple of tart situation.

That lady farted, she said, excuse me, and then she left the table.

Yeah, yeah.

There's no going, did you.

Yeah.

But no, but the analogy would be if she meant to say, here's your Banberry cake and then farts.

Like, if she meant to call it that.

But this will be funny.

But yeah.

To say, here's your Banberry cake and farts.

And I'm guessing she didn't.

Guessing that she didn't.

We all just thought it was very funny, apart from my dad was very straight-faced and looking at us like, there's nothing funny about this.

Yeah.

Because your dad can't focus on anything if someone puts a fucking pudding down in front of him.

Yeah.

He's like, the cakes are here.

It's a no-laughing matter.

Yeah.

Right.

Every time there's a pause, it's the perfect.

Yeah.

You just could just do a big fart.

No.

No,

I haven't got one.

Give it time, man.

Give it time.

Feel free.

Actually,

if you want to know,

we've sort of hacked

the hell of family cooking,

which is

that we have pretty much the same meal on the same day every week.

Yes, I'd say you've created a new hell.

Okay, so tell me honestly if this sounds like hell.

And I don't mind if the answer is yes.

Macaroni Monday.

Okay.

Yes, you you just said it like you hate it.

That was actually smug Jess.

Oh, sorry.

Is this fat macaroni Monday or just normal macaroni?

You can have, no, it's little macaroni.

Mac and cheese?

Yeah, mac and cheese.

So macaroni Monday, are they all going to be alliterative?

We tried.

Taco Tuesday.

Yeah, obviously.

Love taco Tuesday.

That's great.

Yeah.

What do you think Wednesday is?

Oh,

walnut Whips?

No.

That's what you'd have in your house.

Yeah, Walnut Whip Wednesday.

I'm like, it's alliterative.

What can we do?

Wensleydale Wednesday?

No.

Almost sounds like it.

Does anyone want to have a guess?

Wings.

Wings are Wellington.

Wings is a great shout.

Have you not thought about wings?

No.

Someone suggested Wellington.

It's a Wellington.

A Wellington every week would be real.

It's very labour intensive, a Wellington every day.

A Wellington a week.

Wine.

It's actually wedges.

I don't know why Smug Jess is back.

Smugjess

to live in an American bar.

It's actually wedges.

Have mac and cheese.

Tacos.

But I have an American husband.

Yeah.

So yeah, we sort of do live in American bar, really.

Playing pool and stuff.

Tequila Thursday as well as no, I guess.

Should I keep wedging?

Yes.

Oh, but you must keep going.

You must keep going.

So we've got wedge Wednesday.

So you have wedges every Wednesday.

Yeah.

It's sort of like we'll have

like a meat thing.

We basically just have like meat and two veg.

But meat and veg and wedge.

Meat and veg and wedge.

Yeah.

So it doesn't wedges don't constitute the whole meal.

No.

But wedges will make an appearance.

Yeah, we know that the wedge is going to make an appearance.

Because it's Wednesday.

Yeah.

because it's Wednesday.

But James, you don't understand until you have to cook for

like

people that don't really eat, you know, a six-year-old and a one-year-old.

It's destroyed cooking for me.

I mean, no offence to them.

All bread.

Yeah.

But you can't just, it's so hard to think.

Like, you know, you've been working all day and you just, the hardest part is thinking, what shall I make for tea?

Yeah.

But that's, I guess, my point would be maybe make the main bit of the meal the bit that repeats every week and not the side

because you are.

You won't be alliterative, James.

I know.

Because you are still having to decide what you cook every Wednesday, aren't you?

Yeah, Wednesdays, actually, when Wednesdays come around,

it's not great.

Could you bring in wings, maybe

wings and wedges every Wednesday?

Yeah.

That's actually a really good idea, thank you.

How's the one-year-old going to deal with wings?

Yeah.

I feel like, in Jessica Defence, you really set her up there.

Yeah.

You talked her into wings, and then you went, haha, gotcha, motherfucker.

There's a one-year-old in play.

You forgot that.

Well, I was just thinking, I don't know about one-year-olds, but I don't know.

I can't imagine a one-year-old eating a wing.

I can't imagine that.

Rotating it.

No,

we're going to be, yeah, we're going to be peeling the meat off the wing.

Actually, she didn't eat chicken.

Tricky.

What's Thursday?

Thursday, I'm interested to see if you've gone for a T sound or an F sound here.

F.

Well, because Thursday sounds like, so said out loud.

Said out loud.

I hate to tell you this.

It doesn't sound like that at all.

Thursday?

Yeah, you say Thursday wrong.

Thursday.

Yeah.

Thursday.

Thursday night.

Thursday.

Thursday.

Okay, a th noise then.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Well,

yeah, okay.

Well, I don't feel like that is being pinnikety.

That is just, it just does start with a th.

Well, technically, there's an R at the end of bastard.

Bastard.

I know shit, but it's at the end.

Well, I can't get you on that.

You're saying it right, bastard.

He's wrong.

It's Fin Crust Thursday, okay?

It's Finn Crush.

It's Fin Crust Thursday.

That's great.

Thin Crust Thursday is great.

Sorry, James.

Fin Crust Thursday.

I would say Fin Crust Thursday.

Yeah, I know you would.

So we're sticking with the bar food, aren't we?

Not on Fish Friday.

Fish Friday.

That's very traditional.

That's great.

Yeah, that is traditional.

Is it fish and chips?

Which sometimes it will be, yeah.

Yeah.

Ever go fish and wedges on Wednesday and then fish and wedges on Friday?

Well, yeah, sometimes that has hit us.

But we're magical, right?

We're in the magical genie.

So can I upgrade sparkling to sort of

fizzy lifting water?

Are we going like from channeling chocolate pantry?

Yeah, fizzy lifting water.

Because presumably I'm just on my own in the restaurant, as I've always imagined.

Whatever you want.

Is that right?

If you want that, if you want to be alone.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So why does the fizzy lifting water directly tie into the fact you're alone?

Because you don't want anyone else to experience the fizzy lifting water.

Well, two reasons.

One, there's like, I've got a bit of time to kill before, you know, the food comes, right?

Yeah.

So if you've got a bit of time to kill, why not kill it flying?

And secondly, there's obviously there's the indignity of how you descend with the

fizzy lifting drink.

And

I'd rather that was in private.

We all know what happens

when you do things like that.

It's a mess.

But they burp, don't they?

Yeah, they burp.

They burp.

In the movie, they do.

They burp.

In the book,

I think in the book, even a, I think an umpalumpa dies during the testing process.

Do people remember that?

There's a...

I'm pretty sure an umper lumpa is accidentally, they haven't got the dose right, and they accidentally fire an umpalumpa into space.

I don't know why all these wokies have edited Roald Dahl.

Kids would love that stuff.

Wow.

Is that right?

I may have misremembered that.

The guy's been in space and it dies.

He's, well, I think he's presumed dead.

Yeah.

They don't come with the dead.

He's launched.

He passes through outer orbits.

And then after, I think

after that, your chances are slim.

John Onka's a rich guy, isn't he?

He's not going to spend any money on trying to get that.

Yeah, he's got a lot of overheads, hasn't he, though?

That's the thing.

It stacks up.

Yeah.

And he always gave the impression that the Imperumpers were willing, but that's...

I'd quite like to see the Imperumpas

sort of perspective on that situation.

Do you think it'll be fun flying for the first time completely alone?

Do you think it might be more fun to fly with other people?

Wife and children?

Yeah, yeah.

Because Charlie Bucket's with

his grandpa, isn't he?

The problem is I'm quite sort of risk-averse generally in life.

So I think if I was with my wife and children, I'd be worried about one of them sort of going off into an electricity pylon or something like that.

Do you know what I mean?

Or sort of finding their way into the wrong end of a Chinook.

And I'd kind of...

I think the go one, I'd at least

go solo.

I mean, I trust my wife, I mean, she's up to hell hell what she's, you know, that's fine, do you know what I mean?

But uh, it's nice to flesh out what's in your dream restaurant as well, Mike.

We've got electricity pylons and a Chinook flying over there,

yeah.

Yeah, I very much imagined it on the sort of Wiltshire sort of uh

sort of armaments testing grounds.

Yeah,

but revolving, right?

It is revolving, yeah, yeah, sure, yeah, of course.

Great.

He wouldn't want your grandfather to fly with you, What's that?

Well, Charlie Bucket has his grandfather.

All right, my grandfather?

Well,

he's long dead, my friend.

Yeah, but.

But this is the dream restaurant, Mike.

The dream restaurant.

We can bring him back to life.

No, but it's not the necromancer's restaurant, is it?

Can be.

I'm quite happy.

I mean, I'm missing, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones.

Yeah.

That would be awful if you brought your granddad back to life and then he went immediately into the blades of a Chinook.

It's so great to see you.

Happens twice as well, that's two red blades.

Coarse mincing and then a fine mincing immediately afterwards.

There's no grandmother.

Flung into the.

Yeah.

And then you're more getting sparkling water because I'm not a king.

I love you, I've got I've got a mate called

and I remember what I never forgot it when we were at a stagdo once when I was like 24 young

marriage it's ended now obviously

I was gonna ask how did it work out for the couple

don't get imagined it's relevant to the story I'd like to know if it ended in divorce or not I feel like if we just sat here in silence and watched you you'd just tell us every single secret yeah you're you're a journalist's dream

Ian was telling us earlier that he's got to do promo for his tour, like we all do.

And now we're having this interview with you.

Um, I think you should have a PR person in the room with you while you're doing the interview because literally all they have to do is ask you one question and sit back, and you'll have yourself cancelled in five minutes.

Now, I hate to break it to you, but after BBC leads three years ago, that is what happens.

His name's

no, wait, no, wait,

it doesn't matter about his surname.

Is this the groom?

That was the groom, yeah.

He got married at 24, and he said he got married too young, and everyone's presents were shite because they were skin.

That's why you shouldn't get married when you're young.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is we're at the stag do, and the couple next to us ordered sparkling water, and then

my friend

said,

His name's changed.

No, this is another person in the stag.

Coming up, I guess.

Does something, yeah.

There's you

so far.

I'm at the table.

It's a young stag dude.

Loads of people.

That's the one benefit of getting married young is loads of people come to the stag.

Right, you got loads of mate.

So we've got

you.

Who else have we got on the stag?

Was there?

Was there, obviously.

Fucking how old?

Yeah, well, mate.

He's 36 now.

He works for.

actually, I can't say.

No,

no way.

No, can we actually take that out?

Yeah, sure.

Can we actually take that out?

Don't complete that sentence in your head.

That's worse.

We can take it out the recording, Ian, but you do know these.

No, no, they're fine.

They'll forget.

You know, we don't have a men in black machine.

We can't.

Oh, I wish so bad we had men in black machines.

So b

there's loads of other drumming to go for everyone.

Yes,

in their name.

Yeah.

You're on an English one, but he's ginger, so it's allowed.

So,

right, final, he was a he's self-employed now.

I bet.

Because he went on a stag do, but then he stayed in Marbea for a week after, and they sacked him.

Is this a different stag do?

Well, the same one.

That's a different one.

Yeah.

Different one.

That wasn't even masked.

I don't even know that one.

That was a friend of a friend.

It's amazing that storytelling is essentially your career, Ian, because

I'm more one-liner voiceover out of sight these days.

So, let's come

story short, trust me, this has been worth it.

Got annoyed that they'd ordered sparkling water, yes, yeah, and they said, What has annoyed you about that?

And he went,

I don't know, I can't put my finger on it, it just annoys me.

And then that's when my friend said, Yeah, I bet they go on holiday in Dubai.

And

so not worth it.

Fucking brilliant.

So now, every time I see someone drinking Sparklemore, I think, oh, I bet you're going holiday in Dubai.

Also, I just love that we heard about so much other stuff.

And the story you've chosen is probably the least interesting night out you and your friends have ever had.

We've had some mad ones like that.

But this was just so much I still love it and every time I see an Ethiopian stall I'm just fucking there there was a period we were writing ghosts and we were right next to a place where there were food stalls and I just had it every day and never got tired of it.

But I would love to not have ever tasted it before.

Can I ask a technical question about that thing?

Yeah.

So we can definitely do that.

I think that Genie can do that.

He can make sure you've never tasted it before.

Hence erasing your memory of ever eating Ethiopian food.

Yeah,

so how are you picking it for your dream menu if you can't remember it?

Wow,

I'm gonna tattoo it on my

body.

Yeah,

pick Ethiopian,

and you think you think you can interpret that message.

Pick Ethiopian food on the off menu

menu

for your main

it's probably more of a back piece yeah

I mean well

I don't really need I just ordered it didn't I and then I erase your memory after doing a men in black yes so yeah I've ordered it up front and then when the food comes you erase my memory so when the food comes you go what the fuck is that yeah

I go what's that it smells amazing yeah And then I eat it for the first time, and I'm in heaven.

Thank you very much.

I'm going to be sneaky, though, when I erase your memory of the indie ogre food.

I'm also going to make it so you don't know who your kids are.

Fuck.

Didn't say he wasn't an evil genie.

Now, I've listened to this podcast quite a lot.

I've not known the genie to do that sort of thing.

I'm mischievous sometimes.

Yeah.

I think I'll remember them from the bread course.

Maybe, well, you know, start this you said genius don't exist, so now I'm

showing, I'm teaching you a lesson.

Shit.

Better be some good Ethiopian food, man.

Yeah.

Here's the thing though, what you've said about Ethiopian food, I relate to 100%.

It's so amazing.

It's incredible.

I've never had a bad version of it.

Yes.

Every time I've seen an Ethiopian restaurant, it's always that good.

And the first time I had it, it was like mind-blowing.

I was in Amsterdam.

My friend took me there.

It's like, this place on the corner.

And I remember having it and being like, well, this is all I'm going to want now from now on.

It's so good.

I don't know what it is.

I think I just like, there are foods that I'd had before that...

resemble some of those dishes, but the spice, the combination of spices is different, and it's, I just love it.

The bread's wild as well.

Yeah.

Spongy, slightly sour bread.

Yeah.

Putting everything on top of the bread.

Yeah.

Because I've seen it in restaurants where you just get a massive bit of bread and everyone is sitting around the bread and every food on top.

Get involved.

And then that stresses me out in terms of sharing.

Very good.

If I'm doing that, I'm eating as quickly as possible to get to the middle of the bread.

I'm like just taking stuff from my bread.

You like to share, do you?

You don't want to order your own.

Good food for a date as well because you eat the bread, you go in.

It's like Lady and the Tramp, but you just end up shaking hands.

We're not going to go there, are we?

Ed's manager's on the rocks.

A lovely, great meal, thank you.

So take us through what's actually on there.

Well,

part of the thing for me, this is probably an awful confession of ignorance, but I just love that I don't really...

This is the other thing I love.

One of the things I like to do when I go out is order food that I can't make.

And this is definitely in that category because I couldn't even tell you what the fuck any of it is.

Again,

don't know what any of it is.

There are like lentil-based

stew-type things.

Is that a what?

Is that a what?

Is that a what?

Europe.

There's definitely something called what.

What?

I think you're thinking European.

Yeah, yeah.

fan of it.

There's something called a rubber.

And the bread is called Injira, I know that.

Yeah.

Fuck, we really have erased your memory of it, haven't we?

After that,

I don't know.

There's a cabbage-y thing that's incredible.

It's just all nice stuff.

I should have probably learned a bit about it when I was preparing to pick it for a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall.

Big side dish, Matt?

This is going to be chips.

Do you want me to arrange your memories?

Um

no, but I'd like you to reinstate the memory of my two dear kids.

Here's the thing.

I'm gonna do that, but unbeknownst to you, I'm gonna put two other people's kids in your head.

You're gonna think they're your kids.

If you want to give some honourable mentions, you gave a lot of shout-outs to the different breads earlier.

Feel free to give a shout-out, because no offense to the other drinks of course so yeah don't want to offend any of the other drinks give them some shout outs I never shouted out

the bread that I've been making no is anyone else doing Zoe

yes but don't tell the wine

Good stuff.

The thing is,

you're a great comedian and everyone's like, oh, James is so interesting.

He does like new types of comedy.

But that is what you're good at.

Proper comedy.

Old musical stuff.

Musical stuff.

It's just a bit sexist, but in a fun way.

Yeah.

Well, most sexism is fun.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I'm the one who's clickbait now.

So.

Zoe, are you talking about the patch in your arm that tells you how your body reacts to different foods?

So you can then change your diet based on the spike in the blood sugar levels that you get from certain foods.

Tell me, Jess, did you miss being diabetic?

Because I'm fucking fed up of this Zoe shit.

These fake ass diabetics.

It is stealing the thunder of the diabetics.

I'm not suggesting that I have any thunder from being diabetic, but it's quite difficult to maintain a blood sugar level as a diabetic.

And I would argue that as a non-diabetic, you don't need a Zoe patch because you have what I like to call a working fucking pancreas.

I agree with Ed because I'm an ally.

Are you doing Zoe?

The thing is, Ed,

as someone who had

gestational diabetes, I don't have gestational diabetes.

No,

is that when it's just in your hands?

That is fucking brilliant.

I've got some diabetic gigs I can book you for

with that sort of stuff, man.

I've got 10 seconds of material.

Go down a storm.

I don't think the catering will be what you're normally excited for, but

yes, you have had gestational diabetes.

No, I don't know.

There's no point now, is there?

That's as good as it's going to get.

But you are doing, are you doing Zoe?

Well, because there's a thing where it's like, if did you get the diabetes because you are a bit more prone to it and then you're going to get it, or you know, did you get it and it's gone forever?

You know, there is,

was it the pregnancy that made you a bit diabetic?

Were you always...

You stopped gesturing to me when you asked about pregnancy.

Not pregnant, it's just the way I'm sat

anyway.

I was just, I was curious and I did it and it did say I've got bad blood sugar, poor blood sugar.

right based on what you're eating based on yes but

even like I don't despite what I've just described I don't actually just go to McDonald's all the time only some of the time and I

think I am quite a healthy eater generally but what I've realized is there's you know there's loads of stuff that I thought was healthy that isn't and I now don't eat it as much because of that but bread is one of them yes bread will spike blood sugar level Yeah.

So there's this amazing bread.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

I cannot believe I'm talking about this actually.

Please.

Especially during the drink course.

This is a regressive shout-out.

You've gone back now.

We've gone back to China and back to bread.

It's just that it's really, it really has been a revelation, and I love it so much.

The bread you've made.

Bread is

made out out of seeds and it's only made out, it's just seeds, Ed and James.

Just nice to be included, I guess.

It's seeds, it's psyllium husk.

Cheer seeds.

He played Oppenheimer, didn't he?

Oh my.

What is it?

This the fucking is this

is this the spirit of Brucey?

His ashes are down there.

If you're wondering what the joke is.

Brucey's ashes.

Are they?

Forsythe's ashes are under the stage.

Did you not know that?

Bruce Forsythe's ashes are under this stage.

What?

Yeah.

That is true.

People don't know that.

You can Google that.

Yeah, that's true.

That is true.

Yes, really.

Keep on saying Robert.

He put it there by request.

It's not how he died.

He wasn't trapped under the...

burnt to death below the stage of the London palladium.

Fucking love it out!

That didn't happen.

He died, it was cremated, and he wanted to be under the stage of the palladiums and meant a lot to him.

So that's why I'm coming up with this.

That's why James is on good form.

Absolutely brilliant gear right now.

So, seeds, psyllium husks.

Yeah, look, anyway, well, let's just crack on, shall we?

Okay.

Your dream main course, Mike.

This is quite tricky.

oh I bet it is

but it does need some genie help

oh yeah it'd be nice for you to finally use the genie in this meal Mike

well

I've got a backup dish if they're required there's a backup dish right but the the main dish is I I I

want what they're having please

What I mean by that is when I do I don't go out to restaurants very often and I do have a nice little time and I try and be a good boy and I try and be

you try and be a good boy?

I try and be a good brave boy and I try and, you know,

it's important to try new things.

Yes.

So you know, if there's something I don't know what it is, I'll normally give it a go and that kind of stuff.

And I'll make the order and I think, great, okay, we'll have a little experiment, see what that is.

And, you know, we'll just, you know,

we'll just, I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke, basically, when it comes to a restaurant.

I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke.

A pig and a poke a pig and a poke

okay yeah

yeah yeah but I'll order hang on well I just assume it's a phrase

well yeah but

what what

it's a well established phrase no

thank you ma'am that's five people in two thousand

like um buying a pig and a poke like uh just repeat the phrase by all means mike

uh

So normally you don't want to buy a pig in a poke.

It's how it would normally be used.

Mike, we do not know what a pig in a poke is.

What is a pig in a poke?

Well, a pig.

Pig is a standard pig.

Pig is a pig.

Not your cat.

No.

Who's called pig?

Who's called pig, but a pig.

Yes.

And a poke, I think, was like a sort of bag or something.

So it'd be the idea of buying a pig.

In a bag?

In the olden times,

it must have been a problem at some stage

where pigmongers were going around the place

door to door and saying, Do you want to buy a pig?

Yeah, I'm interested in a pig.

How much for the pig?

Fiverr.

Here you go.

It's in this poke.

And then they'd give you the poke, you know, which had some weight to it.

And you get in and you open up your poke, thinking, oh, great, we've got a pig now.

That's great news.

And there'd just be, you know, rocks.

Rocks.

There'd be rocks.

There'd be some wet straw um a third example please

a uh a a broken pallet of cereal bars

uh but then there would be no be no pig and the the the the pig salesman would be long long gone so the advice would be don't buy a pick in a pony it's a cautionary tale it would have been a cautionary tale and another cautionary tale that eventually became uh you know an idiom

But you're using the idiom to say you do want to buy a pick in a pony.

I am assuming that advice, yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, but you're comparing this to being in a restaurant.

Yeah.

And while you're in a restaurant, you will buy a pig in a poke.

So you will order something knowing that it is not what it says it is on the menu.

And then it's a plate of wet straw.

I'm willing to take that risk, yes.

And I would also take the risk of if there was a main course where it was just, you know,

mystery poke, you know.

Mike is pronounced poke.

Okay.

Okay.

Mystery bag of food.

Then I'd probably go, I'll go for the mystery bag of food, please.

So you're just...

Yeah, okay.

I get it now.

You mean you'll just roll the dice.

I want to be sweaty.

I wish to be surprised normally.

But you don't want to be tricked by the pigmonger.

No, I mean, in day-to-day life, no, but I mean, I'm willing to take the risk in a restaurant setting

that I'm not going to be presented with a plate of wet straw.

So.

But the first thing he said was your main course is you'll have what they're having.

Yes.

Even though you did specify at the beginning that you will be alone for this meal.

That's true.

But

the there is

what they're had.

I want their hands.

You want what they're having.

I want what their hand.

Because inevitably when I do order the thing, whatever the thing may be, like enough time has passed that you can't change.

But then almost every time I go to a restaurant, five minutes after the time has passed to change your order like the the kitchen doors are boated open right all of the staff have been corralled to to deliver this dish to another table and there there are flames gushing from everywhere steam smoke sirens everyone's oohing and someone breaks out into the national anthem it's that level of like the fuss You know, the sort of burning griddle pans, people with special gloves, all this kind of stuff is happening.

Trolleys, things are on wheels, things are coming down from the ceiling.

Space is like tables being kicked over to make enough space for this extraordinary dish and everyone's applauding and that's I mean

I want that what's that

yeah

this is your starter but you don't think it represents who you are necessarily salmon sashimi with big ginger I thought for a long time about barbecue spare ribs from a Chinese restaurant because that is one of those meals that when the spare ribs come out you're you're like, we're having a good time now.

But you have said that about every food we've talked about.

Yes, that is true.

I love rocket, so I was thinking of like rocket and grand padano cheese, maybe.

Just rocket.

I love rocket.

Yeah, I have it on its own.

But to be honest.

Love rocket sounds like a name for a dick, wasn't it?

I mean, but

go on.

What I really want, as much as I like sashimi, salmon, sashimi, and ginger, what I really want is like a big plate of sausages.

But for the table.

That is, that's it.

Yeah.

You came alive when you said that.

Yeah.

Fuck this salmon, sashimi bullshit.

Yeah, big plate of sausages.

You clearly want a big plate of sausages.

We were in.

Have you ever been to Betty's tea rooms in Yorkshire?

Popular.

I've never been.

You've never been.

Have you ever been?

Yeah, in where?

There's four of them.

There's...

Is there one in Harrogate or something?

There's one in Harley.

Yeah, I've been to the Harrogot one.

There's one in Ilkley, North Alfredon.

I can't remember.

York, maybe?

York, right?

They're all in Yorkshire, yeah.

They're all in Yorkshire.

Yeah, that's the county.

Big fan of your puddings in Yorkshire.

Not everyone is.

It's like a...

It's a 45-minute wait to get in.

Yeah.

And it's been there since about 1911, so the waiters and waitresses are dressed like it's just before the First World War.

You're dressed as a baby, scooping the lagoon.

I was there at the weekend, and my daughter had sausage, beans, and chips, so I finished her sausages.

Because she'd finished, I mean, I wasn't.

Look over there, yoink.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I wasn't like, well, I paid for them, so technically they're mine.

It was none of that.

But they were really nice sausages.

And after the second or third bite, I just thought to myself, why am I not eating these three times a day every day?

And then I thought, all right, then I'll mention that for my starter.

A big plate of sausages.

A big plate of sausages.

So, what kind of sausages are these?

Because there's a lot of different types of sausages.

But these bog standard, straightforward bangers.

Bog standard sausages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I don't, like, I will eat a sort of pork and leek, but really, it's like a Cumberland sausage, the kind you would buy in a news agent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

News agent sausages.

But they're

cooked to perfection.

Oh, yeah.

So

dark brown, like in Feynman Sam.

You know, when Elvis is burning the sausages,

just before the point he's at.

Yeah.

There.

Those are the sausages I want on a big plate, but for the table.

And do you want any sauce or does that get in the way of the sausages?

Ketchup.

Yeah, so ketchup.

Did you say Fireman Sam was making them?

Or did I mishear that?

In the original opening credit, original opening titles, Elvis, who's very bad at cooking, is trying to fry some sausages and he's burnt them.

But he's actually not burnt them drastically.

He's not far off.

So I used to think to myself, he's actually a minute less and he's basically made perfect sausages there.

So I want a minute less than Elvis and Fireman Sam sausages for the table.

But do you want

Elvis to cook them?

Elvis,

do you want Elvis from Fireman Sam to cook them?

Or your dream?

Well, I think he'll fuck them up, won't he?

So

I want him to be there.

So we can learn.

But then for someone with a steady hand on the tiller to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, now is that take them off now.

Was your daughter excited that you were doing this podcast?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about this.

I told her yesterday.

How old's your daughter?

She's nine.

I said, I'm doing quite a big show tomorrow night.

Do you know, yeah?

I said, yeah,

I'm doing a live podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster.

And she went, Ed Gampbell?

I said, and she's met James lots of times, right?

I don't know if she's met, I don't even know.

No, I don't properly know.

She went, Ed Gamble.

I said, Yeah, she went, Ed Gamble.

I said, Yeah, she went, Oh my god,

everyone at Brownies has got a crush on Ed Gamble.

Everyone at Brownies.

I said, what about James Agas?

She went, oh, he's been mentioned.

Well, you didn't tell us that earlier.

He's been mentioned.

Good to know I'm in the conversation.

You're part of the conversation

because she went on a brownie camp, but her tent flooded.

So

she was put in with much, much older brownies.

And they just talked about...

She said it was boring.

They just talked about sex and crutches and Ed Gamble.

I love that you said they were much older brownies, as if that makes it any better.

Don't worry, they were much older brownies.

But you're part of the conversation, James.

Yeah.

You are absolutely part of the conversation.

I'm part of the conversation.

Yeah, they're talking about it when they're waiting for their tent to be put back up.

Anyone here fancy James A.

Casket?

That's me pointing.

Man, I absolutely love the brownies having a crush on you.

It's so funny.

Very funny.

You were in the conversation.

I remember that.

I was in the conversation.

Much appreciated.

That's pretty much it for 2024, Ed.

We'll be back in the new year with a new series and perhaps some more surprises.

Who knows?

And listen, if you're coming to the London Palladium shows in March, we can't wait to see you there.

We'd like to leave you with an important message from Lucy Beaumont.

Here's her gravy manifesto.

Because I really like

real

deep savoury flavour.

Like I really, I'm really, really like gravy.

No respect.

What's happened?

What did I do?

What did I say?

No, you're fine.

You just

know we're very happy with your love of gravy.

Yeah.

It's a troublemaker.

What's gone on?

It was the first half.

Tried to suggest that the secret ingredient that would get you kicked out of the restaurant should be gravy.

We overruled it.

We overruled it.

It's not.

The booze.

You should have heard the booze in here.

Oh, I bet.

Oh, it's Northern.

Yeah.

No, but the thing is,

since we've had a Tory government in power,

I can't even think what that cheers for.

Yeah.

You don't even know where this is going.

She might be about to say the gravy's got much better.

No, that's no.

What I mean is, if you've noticed gravy's got worse

true

that's what andy burnham says as this cover his old campaign yeah the change of pace there almost made my neck snap that was yeah

now

lucy i'm not no fan of the toy government myself but i would be interested to hear how and why you think the gravies got worse

under the current government because gravies love and

guys, this is a problem.

This is why the left's never going to get back on top.

If we keep just applauding platitudes like gravy's love.

This might fly in Toby Carvey, Lucy.

So Gravy's love.

And people don't care anymore.

Who are we talking about specifically?

No,

because we've been made to believe there's no such thing as society

anymore.

We've lost some important morals.

And one of them is making gravy.

But gravy

in the good in the good Blair years

before

we're talking pre-Irek before we were

in the in those ones where it made

things can only get better the elections

and

the the beginning ones yeah and the first few years years, there was.

I can remember you'd go places and gravy was like nectar.

No, it was.

No, because it wasn't.

Now it's something

and it's about pride

in

and

it because now it's just

pack, it's just mostly packet gravy.

And what they used to do is they made the gravy

get this weeks before

they made the Sunday dinner.

And just being at home, I mean, anywhere you went.

Anywhere we went.

Anywhere you went.

The stock would be

made weeks in advance.

Yeah.

And they would put

offal.

Not offal.

They would put things in it that would condense down and down over time.

Yeah.

But now you're saying, because of the Tory government.

The Italians still

the Italians still

listen.

When they're listening.

When they make a tomato sauce,

they don't get it out of a packet.

No, famously left-wing government as well.

But I don't mean that's not political.

What I mean is that

we need to take pride in gravy again.

Yeah,

that's a good point to end on, for sure.

We do need to take pride in gravy again.

Yeah.

Can't wait to see Lucy at the next Pride match

on a gravy flight.

So, Lucy,

I hate to push you.

Come on, if it cut me, do I not bleed?

I hate to push you 40 minutes in, but what's your starter?

Jesus Christ, it is 40 minutes in.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Don't you be sorry.

That gravy monologue.

Manifesto.

Manifesto.

I will.

That will be

manifesto.

The gravy manifesto.

The gravy manifesto.

I will.

Manabisto.

I get the feeling that when I'm very, very old and maybe I have dementia, that will be one of the only things I'll remember.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.