Best of 2024: Part 2

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much.

And enjoy the episode.

Welcome back to the best of.

We've been expecting you for some time.

It's part two of our best of 2024 episodes.

Ed, how would you describe this episode?

In your words, not Benito's.

Well,

yeah,

jam-packed.

Jams in italics.

Jam in italics.

As I'm thinking of it now.

And this time, let's start off with a nice refreshing glass of H.

Joel.

Let's hear from Ella Purnell, Nisha Katona, Sir Jamonica Jackson, Rachel Stevens, Finn Wolfhard, Carrie Brownstein, Patty Harrison, and Nabil Abdul Rashid.

First of all, we will start with still of sparkling water.

Still?

I have a theory.

So sparkling water, we need to call it something else because it doesn't taste anything like water.

Sparkling water should taste like, it should taste neutral, just fizzy.

And sparkling water doesn't taste neutral.

It tastes bitter and sour.

And like something else.

It's like a unflavoured soda.

I know I've just described sparkling water.

Okay.

Let me start again.

It's sour.

I hate it.

I really don't like it.

And it really bothers me that it's called sparkling water.

It should be called something else.

It should have its own name.

We should come up with a name now then.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So for the listener, it's now 9.19.

Why are you doing time checks like we're on live radio?

We've got to come up with a name for sparkling water.

I want people to know what pressure we're under.

Ella was like spouting philosophy earlier.

I think

that's, I think you're going to be okay, but Ed and I aren't fine on all cylinders.

We've got to come up with a new name for sparkling water at 9.19 in the morning.

It should sound how it feels.

So sour is a word you've used a few times.

Yeah, it's bitter.

It's

bitter sour bubbles.

People can't see me, but I just made it.

Yeah, I mean, that would be, I don't know if I could pronounce that.

Yeah, I used to tell that somehow.

Yeah, yeah.

Every time, do you want still or?

Yeah, less people would be asking for that.

It's also slightly off-putting.

If the waiter offered me that, I'd look at him and say, no, thank you.

Yeah, it would remind you of like, oh, that's how it's going to feel, actually.

So

I'd rather just have the still water.

Yeah.

And still or tap?

Like, If you go into places, are you a tap person?

I don't really

care

about all the difference.

It feels like they're trying to rip you off as well.

It does.

When they say still or sparkling water, you know there's a third option.

You know.

But no one's saying it.

Why do they ever tell you?

Yeah, they should say still sparkling water.

They shouldn't assume that you know that they have a tap.

They may not have a tap.

That's true.

I wouldn't go to a restaurant that didn't have a tap.

That would be a real suspicion.

But you wouldn't know.

You wouldn't know.

How do you know yet?

Okay, well, I go in and go, first of all, do you have a tap?

And then I'll eat your food if you've got a tap.

Hi, can I see a menu?

And also, do you have a tap?

Can I see a menu and your tap?

Take me back there and show me you've got a tap.

Otherwise, it's weird.

I would like to see the tap.

I think if

you are ordering tap water, it would be good to see the tap.

Are you going to judge the restaurant on the cleanliness of their tap?

Why are the taps rank?

No, you're right.

Well, there's a massive lime scale buildup on that tap.

Oh, God, I wouldn't want to eat that.

I wouldn't want the tap water.

That's for sure.

No, then I'd get still.

Yeah, maybe that's the standard we need to be setting.

You can see see what this tap is.

Take me back there.

It's so enlightening.

Yeah.

Can you think of like, so if you are having tap water and this is your dream meal, is there a tap that you've seen in your life that you'd like, that's the tap I would like it to come from?

It's honestly the first time we've ever asked this.

I was going to say that.

We've done over 200 of these.

What?

Whoa, that's a great question.

I haven't seen that many cool taps in my life to be honest.

What have you seen a lot of cool?

Hello, you're a big star.

Yeah.

I am a big star.

Are you telling me?

You're telling me they don't have to attack.

Guys, all taps kind of look the same.

Are you joking?

Come on.

Can you do a

separate hot and cold tap or a mixer tap?

Oh, no, I hate when they do it separately.

Yeah.

Because then when I'm trying to wash my face in warm waters, hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold.

I can't.

It's too stressful.

And then I burn of it and then it's too cold.

And then you end up just doing cold and then you're cold.

And

it's a very stressful experience.

I don't want to have to hold my hands separately and then mix them together.

Trying to mix hot and cold water in a bowl hand is really uncomfortable.

See, I clearly have a lot of, I didn't realise I had such strong feelings about taps.

Yeah, see?

No, that really does bother me, actually.

You are being surprised in this podcast, but by your own approach.

By my own.

I didn't know I had so many.

Yeah.

Wow.

Thank you so much.

So you were like a mixer tap.

I like a mixer tap.

But for a drink, surely, you don't want to mix a tap.

Oh, no.

That's unfair of you.

Because you led Ella down this path of choosing the mixer tap.

Now you've gone fucking gotcha.

You tricked me.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a gotcha.

Sorry, Ella.

You've been gotcha.

When it's one tap, you just turn the cold bit on.

I wouldn't turn the hot and the cold if I was drinking water.

No, I'm not drinking warm water.

We'll start with still or sparkling water, as we always do.

Gosh, I forgot about that.

I forgot I was here for this.

Yeah, yeah.

I can tell.

I can tell you forgot.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Still or sparkling water, Ed.

What would you have?

No, we're not there.

It's about me.

So can I tell you, honestly, I feel quite strongly about this because I I don't like still water very much because.

So I used to go to India a lot when I was very little, a lot, a lot, a lot.

And I spent a lot of time with very, very bad diarrhea.

Very bad diarrhea, because I used to drink the water that came from whatever, the buckets in the village that were kept.

The water was kept then in a clay pot because they thought that cooled it.

But what it in fact did, did it just made the water evaporate down into the microbes.

So I literally would come back and I was often hospitalized.

It was that bad.

So for me, still water smacks of that stuff that you put in drip bags in hospital.

It's like interstitial fluid.

It's just, it's the stuff that you would squeeze out of a dressing,

wound dressing, not a dressing gown.

Both, actually.

Do you know what I mean?

I have no fondness for still water.

It's the most disgusting description of still water we've had on the podcast ever.

It's the worst.

We've asked that question so many times and you start to think we've had all the answers we're going to have, but it reminds you of interstitial fluid that someone squeezed from a wound dressing.

It's a little bit like that.

Do you know, like, they say that a durian fruit fruit smells like an old wound dressing?

Yes.

That's what the definition is.

Stinky fruit.

Stinky fruit.

That's the definition.

I always think of just still water as that's, you know, it's the stuff of drip bags.

It's the stuff you mop up.

You know,

it's a nursing term, I think, still.

But then sparkling.

You see, now the thing with sparkling, can I tell you this?

I am very careful about my teeth, James.

I'm a very careful person when it comes to my teeth because I think, I used to think, dentists get paid.

Your mum's not not a dentist Benito is she no um by the filling

by the filling

no one is related

now I love them and I think they're fantastic but there was a point I was raised to believe that they were paid by the filling so you don't go to the dentist so I'm really careful and I hadn't had a filling till I was 35 or whatever

so really careful about my teeth now have you seen the Mallum granite pavements do you know what I'm talking about no obviously not in Mallum,

Yorkshire.

They're called the granite, what's it called?

The granite paves.

Are you googling it?

The great,

basically carbonic acid, that is what it does to rock.

Yes.

So still, so pure sparkling water, in my view, just completely erodes it.

You're going to end up with the, you know, Elizabeth I teeth drinking pure sparkling water.

So I find it too acidic.

I just find it kind of fuses your frontal lobe to your eyebrows.

You know, it's just strips your mucous membranes out.

I just find it too acidic.

So I like to go a half and half.

Yeah.

So that's true.

You take the two things that you don't like and put them together.

Well, you have, you know, you have to be polite, don't you?

But I have to say, when I put the two things together, they're perfect.

You're getting that lovely palate cleansing.

You know, you're getting that little bit of acidity.

It's just a little wake-me-up, but it's also hydrating.

Yeah, I don't drink a lot of it.

You know what I mean?

I like to go to the loo maybe twice a day for a week.

Yeah,

by the side of things, you don't always go to the loo.

And that is true.

I've witnessed that happen.

You witnessed a half and half.

When a runner comes in and says, would you like some water?

It's a little sparkling.

And Nisha says, yes, I'll have half and half, please.

I think half and half's a thing, though, isn't it?

Surely people do that.

It's the first time maybe we've had that on the podcast.

I mean, maybe someone else has said it at some point,

but not as a thing they already do.

I think they've probably riffed it and gone, let's go for half and half.

I think you're the first person who that's your pre-existing preference.

Especially the first person who wants half and half and half of the drink they want is something they refer to as something from a drip bag and the other half is something they've seen rot away a pavement.

Well, we always start with still a sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

Sparkling.

I like to get the mouse scratched.

So that's what you're enjoying getting from the sparkling is

scratchy mouth.

Yeah, yeah.

Just detangle that mouse, get it all open.

Have you ever heard of the face jam?

For your face?

Yeah, yeah, it's been recommended to me.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, says a lot about how how I clearly look.

Well, apparently it gives you a skinnier face, so maybe that's what sparkle and water is doing for the inside of your mouth.

Do you

from the inside?

Oh, so I thought you're saying it gives you the skinny inside of the mouth.

Does that show on the outside then, or are you just trying to get chimneys?

Yeah, because there's less on the inside, yeah.

It means you have to pull it out from the

silence mind.

Just feels ices and just swash it around.

Yeah, I know, I see what you mean.

It's stimulating.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Sparkle and water.

Yeah, gets you ready for what you're about to eat maybe yeah and obviously scratches the mouth and um yeah and makes it skinny on the inside yeah

and they massage the inside of your mouth at the face gym don't they they never i've never had anyone's fingers in my mouth in the face gym other places yes at work sometimes we should try and explain what the face gym is maybe for some listeners who don't yeah explain the face gym

I'm going to explain it now really well, so hopefully they give me some free fish.

The face gym is a place where you go and they exercise your face.

You don't have to do any of the exercising yourself.

You don't have to move your own face.

They move it for you and they have like weights and balls and things that they press and roll and ice and you leave honestly snatched.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

Because I've seen, I've been past the face gym and have thought, but where have we come to?

You've got fantastic skin though that you suppose to.

Thank you very much.

Do you do anything, Dude, or do you just

wash it now and again?

Because you just started.

Me and James have had an argument about this before that I wasn't washing my face at night and James thought it was the most unbelievable thing he'd ever heard.

Yeah you have to wash your face.

Yeah and then I did an interview with GQ magazine and they were really upset that I didn't wash my face.

So about six months later when I'd calmed down my stubbornness I started washing my face at night.

Do you not have like a wee sooty face when you're coming home?

No I'm not a chimney sweep.

I'm not running through the streets of London jumping into chalk painting.

But it's modern day.

Dirt isn't visible now.

Yeah well i think also ed was born you have all that wi-fi on your face

i should i should move to donegal

because i think like when i moved to london i really noticed like oh my skin is

yeah

like as soon as i moved it it was fine in ketvin yeah and then i moved here and all the pollution sort of attacking my face i was like

ed was born here so i guess you're hard i've always been mucky his his his skin knows how to deal with it.

He's a mucky boy.

But he must be hard as fuck because

the water is hard, so it must harden you, especially if you're growing with that water.

Yeah.

Or maybe, maybe I'm just used to it, you know, it's like an immune system thing now.

Yeah.

Yeah, because I can't go anywhere with soft water.

I've said it on the podcast before.

It makes my hair too fluffy.

Yeah.

But he texted me when he started washing his face at night to tell me he'd started doing it.

For a bit, I was texting him every night going, done it again.

Don't it again?

Do it again.

It's becoming a real one.

It's all black.

It's awful.

And then I've got a little acid thing that I use sometimes as well.

Oh, that's nice.

My wife sometimes uses like an acid peel thing that is like purple, but never warns me when she's put it on.

And I'm always shocked.

Just walk into the bedroom like with a bright purple face

every single time.

I have one of those LED masks.

They are amazing.

Also snatched.

Do they actually do anything though?

They really, really, really do.

I just feel like when I took it off, I sort of look like I just got out of the sea.

Do you know when it's a wee bit tighter and a wee bit like

that sort of feels like?

Oh, nice.

I really am.

And this yanker, and that's very relaxing, you know, to just lie down and like just your pants and the face mask, just like starfished across the bed.

It's a bit of U-time.

We love in a busy world.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah, we've got to put on an LED face mask that makes us look like we're in slip, not now and again.

My girlfriend's got one of those.

Yeah.

I've tried it out a couple of times.

Yeah.

Sitting there there on the bed with my pants with what looks like, you know, like...

I don't think you have to be in your pants.

I'll just say that now.

I don't think you have to be in your pants.

No, because you're just out of the shower when you do.

You're obviously not going to lie.

I would much rather not have pants on.

So you're laying there in a LED face mask and full dungarees.

Just do it on the tube.

You do it when you're just clean.

Right, okay.

That makes sense then.

Sorry, carry on.

Well, last time I did it, I'm laying there, got it on, in my pants,

and then my cat, who is a Sphinx cat, hairless cat, comes and sits on my chest.

It was quite the sight, me with that mask on, and a hairless cat sitting on it.

We always start with still a sparkling water for your dream meal.

Do you have a preference?

They would have to be still.

Yeah, cannot do sparkling.

Sparkling to me tastes like soluble, like paracetamol.

Oh, that's good.

I know what you mean, but I think I quite like the taste of soluble paracetamol.

Do you?

Yeah.

You like the medicine?

I like medicine.

You like medicine?

Yeah, because it's making you better.

You can't argue that logic, Rachel.

You can't, but you honestly like the taste of it, honestly.

I don't mind.

I see what you mean, like the, with the fizzy water, and sometimes that soluble paracetamol almost makes water taste milky.

Do you know what I mean?

It's sort of a little bit gross.

If there was some medicine that you had to just eat recreationally, just like you don't need it to get better, but you've got to eat it.

Funny enough, when I was younger, I used to...

hit the cowpot up.

I did.

Yeah.

Even if I didn't have a headache, in case I got one, I would hit the cowpot.

Oh, what's on I had a sound.

Just in case, yeah.

Always thinking ahead.

So you might, just because it was delicious.

Most of us would just wanted to hit Glogg.

Well, it was that as well.

It was, wasn't it?

Yeah.

And it's addictive, I think.

Yeah.

I mean, I...

As a parent, that cowpole is epic.

Cowpole urofen, yeah, as a parent now.

Always got it on the go, yeah.

Yes, my God.

Is it still as good?

I don't taste it anymore.

Oh, you mean the flavour?

You must be tempted, Rachel.

Do you know what?

I'm not.

What?

I'm not.

No, I'm over it.

I'm over it.

I'm moved on from there.

I'll have a little shot of cattle polls.

I just want to see if it tastes as good as you remember, surely.

Next time you will.

Now you've said that, that'll be in your head.

Yeah.

Do you not want to admit it on this podcast?

Are you worried there'd be like a controversy if it's cute?

You have some now.

I've been stung by that in the past.

I don't want to bring it up, but like, do you remember that?

That was great.

Well, wasn't it?

I was the right age as well.

I'd come up with S-Club.

And then when that happened, I was like, they're still cool split club seven

or walking past a cop car absolute legends yeah absolute legends blazing up outside of the rozes right so blatant yeah yeah i don't think cowpole would have we were busy us girls were just minding our own business yeah you know working hard yeah and they were just you know unbelievable unbelievable they get telling off or what modern guys

do you want that water from the hotel that lemon mint and uh do you want that as your that's that's reserved that's reserved for the hotel lobby if you don't want this for your dream no you just drink water like you say plain jane this just yeah plain still water which i'd love to hear you say to someone in a restaurant by the way when they come over to take your order just go i'm a plain jane yeah i'm a plain jane

like a bag of carrots

and a chicken wrap grilled chicken wrap nothing on it

that's me plain jane that's what they call me mcdonald's yeah do you ever go crazy and put the carrots in the in the wrap ed cut this is not sodom and Gomorrah.

Cut this.

What the hell are you talking about?

This is my dollars at one in the morning after Bill of Gig.

You're not sitting in that, are you?

No, I'm not sitting in.

I'm eating them in the Uber if the driver permits me.

If the driver permits me.

Hang on.

So you ask.

Have you ever eaten in an Uber Finn?

No, I'm not a psychopath.

What?

Yes.

Why can't you eat in an Uber?

Well, because you're in the Uber.

What's your rating if you're eating an Uber's?

What is it generally?

What's the kind of average Uber rating

for me?

Well,

I was right up in the high fours for ages, like

bobbing around the fives and then frigging.

I left Nish Kumar in it and let him carry on

in my Uber to get to his house.

And he made the Uber driver stop at an M ⁇ S

friggin service station and then the Uber driver marked us down and I was right down in the low fours and I thought who cares?

I'm going to start eating my carrots.

Yeah.

Nish compromised my score.

Is it possible to like be in the twos before your uber just gets taken off whatever?

Surely, no, no one's ever been under like a four point like eight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like that's because no one's gonna make it show up, but they can see your

minute.

Yeah, yeah, we'll check ours in the minute.

The worst thing is, is now you can look at the more specific statistics, so you can see how many like fives and ones you've got and stuff.

All right, oh, that's worse than I thought.

Okay, mine's worse than I thought.

Yeah, four point eight four.

Ooh, that's pretty bad.

bad.

I'm just going to give a deal for

4.78.

Finn.

What?

4.84.

Hey, all right.

I feel like a 4.84 is usually

just because sometimes I'm late.

Oh,

I'm 4.78 here.

Yeah, boy.

How is that happening to me?

Little carrot boy.

Oh, yeah, it's because I'm eating the carrot.

I just had to pick up this fucking carrot boy.

It's like the Uber drivers are.

you know, they're coming together.

I'm scrolling down here.

There's a load of fives.

Actually, I think this is what I've given them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're desperate for this, for you to get a five.

So you're just...

God damn it.

Yeah.

Well, bit of a shame, James.

That is a shame.

I do love sparkling, like a refreshing sparkling water, especially with a lot of bubbles, like a topochico.

How many bubbles are in a topo chico?

That's like a contest at a state fair where they

and the one that comes closest, you would get like a pig to take out.

I couldn't tell you the actual number, but I would say a lot.

Millions.

Millions.

Yeah.

It's actually, it's come out that that's unhealthy.

There's actually something in there that's not good for you.

I don't think I've had topochico before.

I haven't had topo chico.

I've never heard of it.

It's quite good.

Next time you come to America, check it out.

Should I just have it straight away in the airport?

Oh, yes, right when you land.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then

down it in one in the middle of the airport and then shout.

I love topochico really loud.

Is that how I should do it?

Yes,

that's how they do it there what do you imagine the people of the sparkling mortar lobby what do you imagine they look like and how many are there oh that's interesting well i think they're well dressed i feel like the sparkling lobby are well dressed like a crisp white shirt maybe a black a blazer suit jacket glass signature glass statement glasses on a few like really round glasses round yeah

where you're thinking like you're right shaped like bubbles yeah or like they could be could be architects they want to think of themselves as creatives Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm imagining loads of them as well.

Oh, you're imagining loads.

I was I was imagining like just five.

Oh, okay.

But you're imagining like it's are there actually like bubbles just kind of just I wasn't daring to imagine anything yet because I wanted I know it's come from you.

Oh, yeah.

I was imagining like a small group that has a very powerful inordinate amount of power.

Yeah.

Where we're just thinking like, wow, these five people have really changed the way that we drink water.

Yeah.

And, you know, and then there's just one person that's wearing like a colorful tie, and that's the person that adds the flavor to the sparkling water.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, just

a guy with like red glasses and like some like socks that are a little wacky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's, he was the first guy that said, what if we added a little raspberry to this?

He's like the isomer's like the Steve Wozniak of the Greek man.

He's the Wozniak.

Yeah.

He's the Woz.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like he's coming up with a lot of stuff, but like he's getting screwed.

Yeah.

And there's like a lot of other people who are taking the credit.

He's going to write that book though that we're yeah he's the disruptor yeah it's gonna be an apple tv series yeah definitely oh the podcast version

the limited series i can't wait

also i'm a bit tense now for the podcast because i don't know if you noticed but there's a point there where ed said they would have round glasses and then i said uh round like bubbles and then it was like yep that's what i meant and listen We're putting a good face on it now, but when you leave, that's going to be a blazing row.

It's going to be really bad.

I set them up for

the cleverer listeners, and then you make it clear for some of the stupider listeners.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

And then, and there would be the little sound effect you add later.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then you would add a little sound effect.

Or if you want, you can make your own sound effects now, and we can put them in instead for this episode.

Okay.

So for the

stiller sparkling, is it like the sound of a glass?

It's poured in, right?

I think, yeah.

It's like something pouring into a glass.

Yeah.

If it's like

like no that's too like hammy i'm not trying i'm actually not trying to ham it up it'd be like

i don't know

because you know how it like goes from like low to high as like the glass gets filled it's like

it gets a big pitch

maybe just like

would be yeah that's good yeah not only squeezed it yeah not only do i think we should use that sound effect for your episode i think we should use it for the next as well.

Yeah.

And who's the next?

Well, no idea, but they're in for a treat.

Well, let's start.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Ah, still.

Still water.

I can't drink sparkling because I believe it's regular water that the Illuminati farted in.

Illuminati fatty?

Illuminati fatty.

Yeah, I had an Illuminati fatty party.

Yeah, exactly.

Yes, you know.

You know.

I've been telling people for a long time.

Wake up, sheeple.

Wake up.

And don't eat broccoli.

It's man-made.

Yeah.

Broccoli's man-made?

Yeah, it is.

It's not real.

Yeah.

It's not real.

What are your sources for the broccoli's man-made?

Google it now.

Broccoli is a man-made.

But what do you mean by man-made?

It comes out of the ground, right?

It does now.

Interesting.

But so were you saying it's been like synthesized in a lab?

It was made in the lab by a bunch of labor

trying to turn us into communists.

Wake up.

God damn it.

I'm willing to wake up.

I just need to know what I'm waking up.

The truth is out there, sheeple.

So Belito's googled broccoli man-made.

Yeah.

Top hit, is broccoli man-made?

Contrary to the claims of some skeptics, broccoli is not a genetically modified or man-made vegetable.

It is...

a naturally occurring plant that belongs to the same family as kale cabbage and cauliflower.

Lies!

Lies!

He switched it before I came here because he knew.

I thought you would understand.

I thought there was a chance.

But now we've got backgarden.org

is the answer

in 2020, December 2020, and it was updated this year.

Is broccoli man-made?

And they are saying, the short answer is, yes, broccoli is man-made.

Broccoli, as we know it, did not always exist as a plant, but was created by humans for an extensive process.

It is not known exactly how many years ago broccoli emerged, but it is believed that early varieties of this plant appeared more than 2,000 years ago.

That's Jesus' times.

Yeah.

But no, that's post-Jesus actually went to Puppet.

This is like 20 years after Jesus.

They made broccoli.

Do you think that's a coincidence, Phil?

No.

I told you people the truth is out there.

You don't trust broccoli because it's man-made, and you don't trust sparkling water because it was made at an Illuminati fatty party.

And it makes you get sharti.

So it's got to be still water all the way.

It's got to be.

Now you're drinking a seven up there.

Who's done a farty in that?

What you need to understand

is that to help the sheep,

you must become like a wolf, but still be among the sheep.

You must be a sheepdog.

Sheepdog.

I'm deep undercover, bro.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm trying to find how they think.

So you know that you're drinking farts right now.

Synthesized farts.

Yeah.

Because it comes with a flavor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But water on its own,

with gas in it?

Yeah.

That's an affront to God.

Could you imagine it raining sparkling water?

I quite like that, actually.

You deviant.

Fizzy water.

Fizzy rain.

So acid rain.

Yeah, I'd love that.

Bad.

That just sounds like a very, very bad remix of a print song.

Fizzy rain.

To be honest, every remix or cover of a print song is bad.

Yeah.

And done by the Illuminati and pharma companies.

So you think big pharma are covering Prince Songs and putting them out.

What's the aim there?

They're trying to devalue his legacy.

I've said too much.

You know who invented broccoli?

A big farmer.

Now,

Ed doesn't do jokes like that very often, Abil.

What do you think of me doing a proper?

I'm telling that he's trying to cover things up.

Yeah, yeah.

A big farmer.

Do you understand?

So

it's I've changed the meaning of farmer.

It's been.

I'm well aware of which thing

I think.

You'll find for a profession.

I am.

Listen,

you're stealing the truth.

Yeah.

You're stealing the truth.

I'm willing to believe that sparkling water has Illuminatis Fartis in it.

I am.

And I, you know, still

water is the way to go.

I'll just check it to see if that water fizzes, brother.

No, that's that's still water.

And he's drinking a glass of water at the minute.

And the bill's got his eyes firmly glued to the glass.

Yeah.

We'll get you still watering marriage.

You must stay focused, my brothers.

You must defocus.

Oh,

some lovely clips.

Glug, glug, glug.

Now, always one of our favorite segments of the best of is characters.

We love it when guests come up with characters, especially when those characters are scrolling the prawn and little shitbag.

Here's Sir Sha Monica Jackson, Noel Fielding, Michelle DeSwartz, Reece Nicholson, Peter Capaldi, Hamid Anna Mashawn, Danny Dyer, and again, Sir Sha Monica Jackson.

The Langosteens.

How many of them are?

I don't want to be too full for my mains, so I'll go with four.

Now, are you having to peel those and stuff and do any admin with them?

I like that, again, I find that ceremonious, is the word.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that, and I like ticking their wee legs apart, their wee sex packs.

Yeah.

And getting those wee bad boys out.

Yeah, I've never thought of a Langosteen as buff before, but now period.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, early on, when me and and Hector started going out with each other, we used to come up, it was like during the second lockdown, so it was obviously boring.

And we um used to come up with these wee characters in our heads that we obviously didn't just keep singularly and not speak out loud, but to come up together and we used to like do the voices for them.

And two characters was called Scrawling the Prawn and Little Shitbag.

So I was Little Shitbag and he was Scrawling the Prawn.

And then

we made, we, yeah, it was only a couple of months, like a month or or two young.

And then I got an artist to commission a photo, like I described Scroton the Prawn here, of what I imagined Scroton the Prawn to look like, which is like a lovable rogue with a pair of nightcare mics on wear a cap backwards and a chain, smoking a cigarette from a bunch of flowers.

He's a prawn, right?

But he's a prawn.

Yeah, yeah.

Scron the prawn.

And he has a sex pack.

He has a six-pack.

Which Naughty Bragg.

So it's my boyfriend.

Scrum the prawn.

There's no way around that.

Congratulations to it because there's on your sixth pack.

So I got the roll day.

You'd really be in Little Shitbag.

Talk us through Little Shitbag.

Little shit bag is a bag of money like what you see in old cartoons, you know, like a bag with a dollar sign.

Yeah.

And it's got shit inside it with little stank marks coming up the top.

And it's always sad.

But it's a tiny shit.

It's full of shit.

Oh, shit.

But it once contained money.

It's full of anything Scron on the prawn says yeah it wants to contain money you're out yeah so that's that's why it's so sad it knows how good life used to be yeah i mean you might not even know maybe it's a metaphor for like money strikes yeah yeah maybe how did you get how did you get to scroll on the prawn and little shit back it just started like the both of us sat on a sofa looking out a window and then did you never do that with you're like you're sending significant dollars and then you're just like talking in the voice like oh why don't i have no patience i don't have any patience because i don't have any time

Then we give them like their characters developed and then it became scrolling the prawn and little shitbags.

COVID, we all had to get through it some way.

What's little shitbags voice?

What voice is little shitbags?

That was sort of little shit.

That's little shitbag's voice.

High-pitched voice.

Scroll on the prawn is more like scrow and the prawn.

Party, party, party.

I loved how you described that going, scrolling the prawns more like scrolling the prawn.

So scrolling the prawn's obviously scrum on the prawn, you say.

What's the relationship

with each other again?

What do do they think of each other?

I think that it's sort of like a mirror image, not a rip-off at all in any way of wrecking morty.

You know, like where little shitbag is always following scrolling the prawn.

Yeah.

And scrolling the prawn is just always trying to work things out and making it a disaster.

And little shitbag's actually fixing him's mistakes behind him and never getting any glory for it.

But it's just happy to be there.

I'd happily watch an animation of Scroll on the Prawn and Little Shitbag.

Yes.

I know, isn't this excellent?

Nobody better fucking stain the idea anyway.

I think it'll be pretty clear if they've they've stolen the idea.

I'd say, as you were talking there and describing their relationship, I did notice a switch from talking about the characters to talking what sounded like your real relationship with your partner.

You're like, and the little shitbag's always cleaning up scorn and porn messages and never getting any credit for it.

Yeah, but he's got a sex pack.

He's got a sex pack so he can put up with some stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Fox check it because he's got a sex mark.

And I'm full of shit.

I love this.

A bag of money that's full of shit.

A dollar bag that's full of shit.

That's the cavity you came up with.

Yeah, I've been to university.

Yeah, I'm a prawn with a backwards cap.

I'm a bag of shit.

Well, I'm going to get through the pandemic somewhere.

Exactly.

There's a place in Big Sur.

I went to America and I went to Big Sur and there was a place where all the beat writers used to eat.

I I used to eat hamburgers there, Kerouac.

Richard Broughtigan used to go there, who's my favourite writer.

And I just sort of, I was very excited about going to eat somewhere where all these beat writers and cool people had eaten.

It's called the Nepenthe.

Nepenthe.

And it's basically, the view is just mountains.

Beautiful place.

And the hamburger is supposedly, everyone just would say, you've got to go there for a hamburger.

It's the greatest hamburger of all time.

And I do quite like hamburgers.

But so I went there and the waiter came over and I said

I've heard the hamburgers really good and he literally went well little brother

we've been making them for 50 years so it should be

he was like shaggy from scoopy

gee scoop

you gotta get the burger he was amazing yeah he was animated i don't know how they did that

point

when he suddenly did that you would must have been done by then i was in i was was like, who's this guy?

And then he was doing it.

There were so many people then.

It was just him.

He was the only waiter.

And he was sort of bobbing about.

And I just kept saying, I don't care about the food.

I just want that guy to come back.

Every time he came back, it was the most amazing experience of my life.

And then I did have the burger and it was the greatest burger.

Amazing.

Well, it was like, I don't really, you know, like nowadays, they always have very tall burgers, don't they?

You know, you go into a burger place, gourmet burgers are very tall.

They're almost like they have to sometimes put that stick in to keep them so they don't topple over.

And you can't, how do you eat those?

I don't know what.

There's too much stuff in there.

Yeah, I'm not a fan.

I quite like the little flat burgers.

Who's the fella in Popeye?

Is it Wimpy?

Yeah.

He used to say, I'll gladly pay you Friday for a hamburger today.

Do you remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And his hamburgers look nice.

Yeah.

He really wanted a Wimpy hamburger.

Is that was Wimpy named after him?

It must be.

Yeah, maybe.

That can't be a coincidence, can it?

He was called Wimpy, wasn't he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he looked like W.

C.

Phils.

He looked drunk as well, didn't he?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'd gladly be.

Yeah, something was going on with him.

Yeah.

If they're done.

Oh, my friend.

He had a weird way of speaking.

Yeah.

Like W.

C.

Phils.

Like the waiter.

Whoa, my friend.

Oh, the waiter was out of control.

Whoa, little brother.

Little brother.

He had such a good voice.

I can't believe you there.

UK comedians, we tend to like, we go abroad, especially America, and like people don't know who we are over there.

And then you get more character.

I think you encounter more characters.

You do.

But I think here, if you went into a restaurant and they've got a weird waiter,

do you want to go over to Noel Fielding?

No, I'm not doing that.

I'm too weird.

You think they're self-aware enough?

I'm too weird.

I'm too weird for Fielding.

I'll love it.

They don't care.

Yeah, it will use it.

We'll talk about it on a podcast.

I'm not going over there.

Whereas that guy's just like, who's this?

I don't know who this bloke is.

Well, brother and like and it's like yeah you get to have that treat again like before you were famous you're like oh this is great i'll get the weird guy

there was a guy in a restaurant called the gay hussar i think it's closed down now that was in soho and lots of politicians used to go there and and i think they did some deal where if you were in a theatre show in soho or in london you could get a cheap meal before if you were an actor so it was a 60s thing they were famous in the 60s and 70s and it's called the gay Hussar, and it's Polish food, I think.

And the guy that ran it, the sort of Maitre D,

was one of the weirdest people of all time.

And we used to go there just for him.

And he would just say obscure things like a stand-up and then just leave and just hover over to your table and go, Excuse me, what?

It says you can get baked beans here.

And he'd go, what's that about?

And he'd go,

Well, if you're interested in the greatest baked beans of all time, then this is definitely a dish that I would recommend.

And then he'd just leave.

And then he'd say really weird stuff.

Like, John Major was in here a few months ago.

And I saw him enjoying the beans.

And then he'd sort of be gone, like he'd be come over and he'd be gone.

And then he started talking about, he found a card on the floor, donor, kidney donor card.

And he went, I could never.

give my organs away

have you had a meeting with one above his head?

Probably.

We've all had those pointless meetings, haven't we?

Yeah, actually.

I remember you telling me that

you went out to LA and just had loads of really good meetings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Loads of good meetings.

Yeah, amazing meetings.

It's cool to hear what Ed says to like other acts who I've not met.

Yeah.

Because me and Michelle met for the first time.

No, we've met before.

We haven't met before.

Yeah, we have.

I haven't met you.

Yeah, we have.

We've met.

Do you want me to tell you where?

You did Clapham Grand.

That's where we met, actually.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

We met at Clapham Grand, yeah.

And we met there probably about a year ago.

And I said that I feel like you are the sort of person that, like, if I love Seinfeld, right?

And I feel like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where like Kramer was really worried about his cousin coming from England and he didn't think he had anything in common with him, and then the cousin turned up and it was you, yeah, and he spent the whole episode being like, I just can't relate to him.

And Jerry and George and everyone else was like, What do you mean?

It's like, that's you.

You are the, it's the British you.

That is perfect, perfect casting for a start and an absolutely bang on Seinfeld storyline.

Yeah, and you're totally happy.

He was also wearing a funky shirt, and then you did, because we just met, you went, why would you say this to me when I'm about to go on stage?

And then that was our meeting.

I remember meeting.

I said, have a good set.

The last thing you want to do is stand up.

I remember this.

You don't want to be compared to Kramer before you go on and do a story.

Not Kramer, Kramer's long-lost cousin.

yeah.

That's what's in your head, right?

That's what's in your head.

You're about to walk on.

And someone who used to be a professional model goes, you look like Kramer.

And then you walk on.

Yeah.

Have a good set doing new material.

You're going to crash it.

Yeah.

I've got to stay and watch.

I'm a big fan.

Yeah.

And do you know what is what?

I think you went straight on stage and then dropped your mic.

So yeah, it was vibes.

Yeah, I think I did.

Deliberately?

No, in Kramer fashion.

Coming through the door of the shelves.

Yeah.

You went to catch it and dropped it.

It was wicked.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I definitely went on.

Yeah, threw it in the air.

Yeah, and tried to catch it, dropped it.

Yeah.

Started myself.

So how do you not remember that you've met Michelle Brown?

Well, I do.

This sounds quite eventful.

Yeah, I know.

Well, clearly what had happened is I just got to the venue just in time.

I was about to go on.

Someone I'd never met absolutely got in my head.

I went on and dropped my mic.

My brain has clearly tried to wipe this from my mic.

You know what?

When I watched it, I went, see, that's a proper Kramer move.

That's a proper.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that didn't didn't help, yeah, probably didn't help me figure out if I could just drop the mic just like Kramer.

Yeah, actually, that's not what Kramer would do on stage, and I'm glad.

Yeah, thanks.

I didn't go that far.

Well, this is why I said long lost cousin, long lost cousin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's definitely vivid stuff.

That's what I was hinting at earlier, but I just thought I'd let it ride out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fried chicken burger and just not bonkers.

Like, I don't want, you go to those kind of burger places now, and it's like,

back in my day, it was just chicken and coleslaw.

But, um, like, I want some pickles on there.

I love that guy.

That's Jeff.

Yeah, it's got me.

Come in here.

Have you some

Jeff Tata?

I love it.

His brain's rushing a million miles an hour, but it's not to get anywhere to it.

A lot of urgency, but nothing's going on.

Beautiful.

You brought a kid.

Beautiful.

Family.

Family.

Just an odd man who is desperately trying to appear normal.

Yeah.

That's why Jeff Tata.

He knows that it should be lovely that they bought the kids, but he can't really say it.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

Family.

Oh,

family never were for Jeff.

Jeff Tata.

Jeff had to say tata to that.

Where's Jeff from?

None of your business.

The other one, you don't know.

That's the one question or Jeff answer.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, tata, tata.

That's his catchphrase.

Tata.

Tata.

Doesn't talk about his past, Jeff.

In Jeff Tata, Tata means hello, Uncle Bo.

I don't know where he's from.

No.

Seems to be a member of the somewhere in the south of America.

Yeah.

Yeah, like the deep, like, or the shallow south.

Not the deep south, just the kind of shallows.

Oh.

Paddlet end.

What do you think he looks like?

No neck.

Oh, actually, I imagined like quite a long but horizontal neck.

Oh, horizontal.

Yeah, like just completely coming out of his body horizontally with a just

old potato head on the end.

I think he looks like...

I'll tell you who I'm imagining, actually.

I'm just imagining the...

The foot Christian from Ratatouille.

No, that would be Peter Ratatouille.

Let's go with that.

Yeah.

Who were you imagining?

The Peter Falfin family guy.

Yes!

Herbert!

Herbert the Pervert!

Yes.

I imagine he looks, I've started describing a particular type of dad on stage recently, like small dads and I think this is what he looked of like holding up a frog you know I mean like that kind of like round egg body I think that's what Jeff Tutsar very long little legs

and their wives dress them small dads yeah little dads Jeff Tartar doesn't have a wife though no Jeff Tartar's single there were a lot of people he was there was a lady that owned a flower shop down the street that he was he was always like oh go dad daddy give her some favor go what do you buy a lady that owns a flower shop

what do you give her a pepsi Max.

Every day I give her a Pepsi Max.

Oh, I feel sorry for him now.

I was largely terrified when I got to a restaurant.

But the one restaurant, funnily enough, that wasn't like that, which is ironic, was the old ivy.

And when I say the old ivy, I mean the ivy as was

before it became a sort of brand.

And the ivy, for listeners who don't know, was a restaurant that was set, I think it was built in the 20s or something like that, and went through various hands.

But it was always a kind of show-busy restaurant.

It was always actors.

It was actors who went there as opposed to comedians and music hall artists and pando artists.

It was always actors who went there.

Vivian Lee and all that, Lauren Selevier and stuff.

And I always remember going to it and being quite, A, quite scared.

because you'd look around and there'd be like select and it was like you know Arnold Schwarzenegger would go there and stuff like that and anybody who was embedded would go there but they in fact they treated you so well and so openly.

I used to always say, I wish I could bring my mother here because they treat my mother wonderfully.

Not because she was my mother, but because that was how their staff were.

They just treated people really well and like they were going to have a good time and they weren't going to be intimidated.

I don't mean the staff was saying, you're not going to intimidate me.

I mean, the staff were not intimidating their customers.

Yeah, they were offering tap water.

They were a place that was one of those days that you just took whatever you just got a a bottle of water.

That wasn't really.

Because Pierre had just been invented

as a brand.

And that may have existed in real life.

Yeah.

In France somewhere.

But

sparkling water was new on the side.

Sparkling hadn't just been invented.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can either of you do a good Schwarzenegger impression, Arnie?

Because I keep on thinking,

not even letting you finish the request.

No.

No.

This sounds very funny, him saying the ivy.

Like, if you imagine Schwarzenegger saying the ivy, I think that would sound funny.

But the ivy?

No, no.

I can't do it.

No, let's imagine it.

Yeah.

I guess everyone's got to imagine it.

I've always imagined Mr.

Kipling as, like, Colonel Sanders, like, cousin or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His, like, English cousin.

Yeah.

Just like, not the white hair and the white beard, but like a brunette.

So like a brunette, Colonel Sanders, a little bit younger, but they're cousins.

A little bit younger, yeah.

They're cousins.

Do they keep in touch?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

From like, from like Cornwall or something.

And what what what's their opinion of each other what does um kipton think of sanders i think they get on i think they get on yeah yeah yeah i think they get on i think there's like oh i'm glad you're doing well and i was like you two

i guess there's no competition between them right no because they're different as much as they're in the same industry this it's it's different you know he's doing fried chicken and he's doing cakes

And like,

you know, Sanders is a veteran as well.

Oh, yeah, he's been around for

a long time.

But he's like, he served in wars and he's a colonel.

Yeah, Colonel Sanders.

So, like, you know, Kipling is just a bloke, just Mr.

Kipling.

Yeah, but Kipling's age, I'd imagine he was maybe in World War II, maybe.

Do you think?

Well, then I think it would be called something like Captain Kipling's cakes, but it's not.

It's called Mr.

Kipling.

Yeah, that's true.

That's not a title.

Yeah.

You know, I think he was a conscientious.

objector.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

See, I've just realised that when I imagine Mr.

Kipling, I imagine David Attenborough.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's mad, isn't it?

But I do just imagine David Attenborough.

Yeah.

So that is what you think of Kipling.

Do you think of Mr.

Kipling?

Yeah.

I think of more of

an over-the-shoulder shot of

his hands and stuff.

But I can't ever see his face.

Yeah.

I can just see him maybe

making some cake, or writing a letter, actually, to Colonel Sanders, maybe.

But I can't really picture.

Every time I try and get around and see his face, I can't really see it.

I know.

I can see his face so clearly.

He's standing

he's he's standing on the edge like you know those you know those white cliffs in devon yeah in devon it's devon dover i think it's dover he's standing there

and he has like long like up to his shoulders so it's quite long brown hair wow with like a goatee wow and a cigar oh that's like a monocle that's whoa yeah do you know what i mean with like a three-piece suit

and he's just going huh

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm really glad you asked the question.

How do you imagine Mr.

Kipling?

Because that was all ready to go.

You've thought about it.

You knew what he looked like.

It's difficult because most of the characters in it are very unlikable.

They're like succession.

But you can't stop watching them.

But with Freddy, he's lovely.

He's a teddy bear with a bite.

You know what I mean?

And also, I speak a bit of Japanese innit,

which is, which is,

it's worth tuning in just for that.

Yeah.

And it took a long time to learn this little bit I've got, you know, because I like to have a geezer on WhatsApp.

Because it's all phonetics in it.

You can't write it down.

Yeah.

So I have to keep listening to it.

And I'm on the blow.

I got the ump, and also I'm speaking Japanese with the ump.

Yeah.

And that's an energy.

Yeah.

So, but I love it, man.

It's a great thing.

I had a moustache for six months, which I broke it to my kids and they cried.

Obviously, there's call runs and stuff.

And then, and interestingly,

and then interestingly,

they grew to love it.

And then when I got rid of it, they were really upset.

So I pulled it out of the bag and I had a bit of oil, a bit of oil, you know, sort of brushing it and stuff.

Little tash brush.

Oh, that's nice.

And it's always nice to know you can grow one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that's why I've done it.

Well, I was going to say, I love the look.

You've gone for this sort of

musketeer vibe.

Yeah, that's my wife's least favourite bit.

Yeah, well, well, yeah, I think

it rounds it off nicely.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, it balances it.

It does balance, yeah.

It's not just a tash.

Yeah.

So you go, he's got a moustache, but it ain't just a tash.

He's got more about it.

It's a look.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a strong look.

And when you've got a tash, is what I've noticed, you notice other people with tashes and you do the tash nod.

It's odd.

But I think nowadays I think the tash is quite cool.

And I think if you can grow a nice one, you can bowl around with it.

You know, you look a bit edgy, you know what I mean?

And also for me now, because I had a wig on and I had a moustache, it means I'm a versatile actor, even though I'm still a Cockney.

Yeah.

And I don't care what they say.

You know, you look at me and go, okay, that's a different character.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you can do Cockney with a tash.

Cockney without a tash.

You know, and it was all my own because other people, unfortunately, couldn't grow them.

I won't, I won't name them.

And so they had to have the stick on ones, which is a nightmare.

You know, every time you smile, you know, one sticks up at the end, you've got the makeup, just constantly dabbing it down with glue.

I was just bowling around with a nice, shiny, sort of oily tash, you know.

Do you think the people with fake tashes do a fake tash nod?

Yeah, I think they probably do because they're in pain.

It's quite a painful process.

I mean, once I got my wig on,

I did look a little bit like Bob Carolge's, which I don't know.

I mean, that's a throwback.

You know, not ideal, really, Bob Carolge's.

Although I'm sure he was a lovely geezer.

Yeah, yeah.

You know,

he's, you know, you're the nutty puppet.

I mean, I mean, he did gob at people and stuff.

But good back in the day, you know, and he ate, they loved all that, didn't they?

Yeah.

Yeah, you love spice.

Yeah.

I love spice.

You're adding spice to everything.

You've got a spicy drink.

Yeah.

You add your Tabasco on your...

There's three types of Tabasco.

Three types of Tabasco on those stars.

You've got some spicy dips for the Poppadums.

And the lamb, you're like, I'd add chimichuri on the side of that.

You're wanting to spice everything up.

Yeah, and do you know what?

England really done that for me.

When I first moved here, I couldn't even eat hot Doritos.

And through the cultural landscape of this country, I have really went up on the spiceometer.

No, I would say I'm like the most hardcore at all.

My friends know with spice.

How do they all look up to to you?

Sometimes I'd be scared.

I'd be scared to cook for them in case it's too spicy but they are like oh my god Siria you can take so much spice.

Oh god Siria,

you know there's no nothing you can't handle.

I hear that quite a lot.

Sir you're on fire.

How's little shit bag with spice?

Not good at it.

Little shit bag handle spice.

No, IBS, just like.

Yeah.

You don't want little shit bag to like or cry.

Little shit bag keeps it all battled up.

As a little shitbag should.

As a little shitbag should.

I mean, it snaps every once in a while.

The bag snaps.

Yeah, no, little shit actually snaps.

You can't take it anymore.

Oh, I thought you meant the bag snaps open.

Loads of shit bags.

No, no, no, no.

No,

he's never opened up.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He keeps it all inside.

Yeah.

He keeps it all inside.

Yeah, sometimes he snaps.

That's not scrolling the prawn or anyone.

He'll just like, he'll like float up and smack him across the face and then come back down again.

That'll be the end of episode.

Big revelation that Little Shipbag can float.

Little Shipbag only floats.

Little Shipbag's got no legs.

It hovers with a shadow below him.

It's good that we know that, though.

Yeah.

So curious

what I was thinking.

Oh, God.

I love Little Shipbag.

I know.

So cute.

I think Little Shipbag would be my favourite character in the cartoon, but I'd appreciate that Scroll on the Braun has to be there for the dynamic.

If you had to invent characters for Ed and I to be in this world,

cameos in the first place.

You'd be a duck.

The quickest.

I was not expecting that.

Straight away, Sir James.

You'd be a duck.

You'd be a duck for sure with really, really long legs and a tiny wee body.

What's his name?

Flapper.

Flapper.

Flapper.

Yeah, Flapper the Duck.

Flapper the Duck with really long legs and the tiny wee body.

Yeah, I love it.

And you'd be a ruler.

A ruler?

Just a ruler.

Just a little ruler called

Shumpy.

Shumpy the ruler.

Because I think you're like urban but measured.

Yeah, that's why.

Like a ruler.

Like a ruler.

Oh, I'm glad I'm a ruler, actually.

Yeah, and I'm glad you didn't think of that as quickly as you thought of James being a duck.

Yeah.

A ruler and a duck walking around together.

Give your wee duck head the exact same hairstyle that you have now.

Good.

Yeah, that's good.

Very generous of you to refer to this as a style.

Yeah.

Literally, done nothing to it today, so whatever this is, I don't even know what it's doing.

Do not go on and ask for anything specific in the hairdressers.

I'd say, give me what we did last time, and then every now and again, I'll put something in it.

Today is not one of those days.

I've just woke up.

I think it looks like a great cut, though.

Yeah, it's a good fit at the top.

Oh, yeah.

Shout out to the person who cut it.

Hey, did you ever have a nike tech shaved under your head no i didn't funnily enough do i come across did you no i didn't know that was a big thing and dirty naked added us and shaved under the side of boy's heads and all the gears like oh look hey he's got his new night tick on

the girls loved it yeah capitalism

so it was a good thing so girls liked the night tick yeah you were and did the night tick it was around the spice boy era

It was part of it, really.

Quantessential, did it?

And all the gears had diamonds in their teeth.

It was such a a trendy time, wasn't it?

And that's all coming back in now.

Yeah, it's coming back in actually.

I might get a night tick.

You should bring it back.

I should get a night tick.

How do you think your wife would react if you came home tonight, but you still had the same thickness

and fluff at the side of all the rest there, but just you had to shave just one patch out and just do the night check at the side?

How do you think she would react?

If you didn't tell her and you came in from the side of your side and then you just went to bed that night and you went, oh, and you lay over and night check the head.

Yeah, good night.

Good night.

She's still not noticing.

I bet she wouldn't notice and I'd have to say good night to draw attention to it.

Region.

Constantly doing that in the mornings doesn't notice.

Nice to see you.

Yeah, nice to see you too, Addie there.

Sig and Monica Jackson really does have a lot of characters.

Man, I forgot we were duck and ruler.

We We had our first wrestler on the podcast this year and he had a spicy signature move.

Let's hear from Will Ospreay.

Come here.

That's what wrestlers say.

Yeah.

Do we want to start with still a sparkling water, Will?

Do you have a preference?

Still, I can't do sparkling.

Yeah.

The Germans love sparkling water.

I went over there a while ago.

They love sparkling water, but I'm a still man.

Yeah, it's almost standard in Germany.

They absolutely love it.

The beer's good, though.

The ultimate sparkling water.

in a way what what does sparkling water do when you say you can't do it does it have a negative i don't know not a negative effect i just i mean i just don't like it yeah

so there's my negative effect i think any it produces hatred

it produces hatred that might be good for wrestling i mean oh now oh now get me in the zone more if i start streaming sparkling water my hatred

could be a thing

i'm gonna be i'm probably gonna be pitching a lot to you this episode but i reckon like mid-fight it looks like you're on the ropes look look like you're losing, and then you grab sparkly mortar, and then we're just like, We know what this means, and then you have it, and then you're full of the hate.

Yeah, it's like your version of taking your straps down or like hulking up, like hulking up, yeah, is it you're right, doing like the Sean Michaels kip up, and then

just three silent minutes of you chugging two liters of period.

I don't think I could do two liters

by the end, and you get the sponsorship in there, yeah, to be fair, yeah.

And the big burp as well, I feel like it's like, take it, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, Yeah, that's funny.

That's a good defense.

It's a good defense mechanism.

Oh, it's gross.

Yeah, yeah.

We can smell that right to the back.

That's a Nando for mate.

Coming out the other way, it was Nando's, man.

It was too spicy for me.

Yeah, respect to Nando's, by the way.

Yeah, man.

Come out the other way.

Well, can I say as well that UNAEW has brought one of the most delightful things, which is listening to American commentators use the phrase cheeky Nando's.

It is quite funny that of

Colin now because honestly that was just a thing where I was just like, I just didn't see wrestling as anything more than just like, oh, it's something I do on the weekends.

I'll call it the cheeky Nando's kick.

Do you know what I mean?

Like just having a little laugh with everyone, but like now it's just kind of formulated and now it's just carried on.

And even to the point where like when I was in Japan and I turned into a bad guy, I remember Kevin Kelly telling me, it was just like, ah, maybe you should like ditch the funny names.

And I tried it.

It didn't work.

So it's stuck around now.

Nando's must be absolutely delighted.

I have never had any talks of them at all.

I've only talked to the cashier, that's it.

I mean, but you tell the cashier, you go, I've got a move called Jay Wars.

There was a thing ages ago in Romford where, like, a fan was shocked that I was paying for Nando's, and I was just like, Yeah, it's all good, dude.

And he was like furiously tweeting now.

Give me the black card,

it's all right, I've got money, all right.

I mean, they are cheeky, yeah, that is very

cheeky of them.

One day, one day, I hope we can work something out.

Yeah, like I feel like, because I mean, that's the sole reason why I've signed here.

Like, if I don't get a Nando sponsorship at the end of this, I don't know what I've got to do.

Yeah, you've got to rename all your moves to something on the Nando sponsor.

Something Perry, yeah.

If I put them in, like, a figure four leglock, it'll be like the Perry Chicken Fies Leglock.

I don't know what.

It's that time of year again, back to school season.

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Now, we got absolutely Derren Browned this year.

And do you know who else got

us?

Derren Brown.

It's been erased from my memory.

And do you know who else got Derren Browned?

Derren Brown.

Here's Derren Brown and Derren Brown.

I was really, really fussy when I was a kid.

I barely ate anything.

I was so proper fussy eater.

And then when I was at uni, I was in the back of a car, starving, and some the people I was with, they went out and got a pizza and

called from the shop, do you want sausage on it?

And I said yes, thinking that meant sausage.

And God does, it meant salami.

And salami was an absolute no-no.

But I was so hungry, but when it came, it was all like, you know, mixed into the cheese and everything.

So I couldn't pull the salami out.

So I kind of thought, all right, I'll just have to trick myself that I like salami.

So I did this thing of, as I was eating it, I, not out loud, but in my head, I was going, mmm, mmm, mmm, and doing that.

And not giving myself a moment to go, hang on, where's the salami taste?

I don't like, where is it?

Where is it?

There it is, I don't like it.

And it worked and I ate it, it was lovely.

And then I started doing it with everything.

And I just wiped out all these things I didn't like by just doing this by going

in my head

the only thing it left was mushrooms and blue cheese which I can't stand but you der and brown yourself I derren brown myself at a young age

are you aware that that's like a sang in you know it's a verb you know your name's a verb right I have yeah are you aware I use it I use it without even realizing the irony I just dering brown that yeah yeah me and James watched um someone try and Darren Brown someone else out of hating a food do you remember oh my my god it was the best

hell yeah i do remember what happened it was when we were doing um celebrity hunted uh

and uh it was before we started filming we were all just hanging out in shrewsbury prison was where we started we had like two days in shrewsbury prison for them to just shoot like five seconds of us escaping from the prison but it was such a great two days so we were uh we were with uh the speakmans i don't know if you know the speakmans who work with they're like therapists but they do a lot of work with people around that sort of stuff And they're on this morning quite a lot.

There's a very funny video of them speaking to a woman who throws up every time she thinks about a custard.

Right.

We were also with Bobby Siegel, who was on University Challenge.

Yes.

And he didn't like Marmite.

So they went, right, Bobby?

Also, for context as well.

Bobby Siegel is the most positive person you've ever met.

He's actively trying to be positive about everything.

Right.

And would never in a million years, if someone was doing any sort of like mentalism on him or hypnosis, ever admit if it wasn't working.

He's a people pleaser.

Yeah.

Okay.

So it was perfect.

We watched him go through all of these exercises they set up with Marmite of him getting like, now imagine I've got my Marmite here, Bobby.

What are you going to do?

Move closer to the Marmite, closer to the Marmite.

And then he was imagining eating the Marmite.

And what do you feel about Marmite now, Bobby?

And he went, yeah, I like it, actually.

You could tell.

Total bullshit.

A bit of the enthusiasm in his face going like, it's good, isn't it, Bobby?

You You like it, Bobmit?

And did they then get him to try it for real?

The next morning at breakfast, they got him to try some Marmite.

He's like, no, it's nice, yeah.

And they walked away from the table.

You could just see him like absolutely guttered that he'd eaten Marmite.

He was eating it on its own, like he had a pot, and he was putting his finger in

and just into his mouth.

So much Marmite that even people who love Marmite wouldn't do that.

I love Marmite, but even like a tiny bit of it on its own, I have a real, like it really makes me wretched.

You want to hang out with the Speakmans?

I think what they did with him, and maybe you can vouch if this would work.

So they basically said think of a food you love yes and we're putting that over here so they like gestured it's over in this part of the room and as we move this pot of marmite closer to that how do you feel about it yeah and then eat the marmite that was what i remember it being that's a that's an nlp stuff going on right yeah i think there's i remember i cured someone of a cat allergy like that and using a sort of similar thing.

Just really curious to see if it would work.

And I say cured, but it was sort of like it definitely worked there and then like because when he was talking about cats before he was even just talking about and thinking about them it was making him sneeze and everything and then um he didn't afterwards so there's that okay you've created like but that's not a real cat yet it's just how you feel differently and then apparently he was better with the cats but i think it didn't really last like you know after a few weeks or a couple months whatever he was back to where he was so really yeah hard to hard to say but does it does have it can have some effect we felt bobby seagull was just being polite i think think Bobby was just being polite.

What you do is go, mmm,

when he was actively making those noises.

So maybe it did help a little bit him doing that.

I find marmite and mint sauce is the other thing that I love, but I can't have it on its own.

Just a thing.

Yeah, yeah.

It's rare that you're in a situation where you might end up having marmite or mint sauce by itself.

But you're going to do it once if you like both of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

There was a salad in the pub that I used to work in, this chain pub, that was just basically, I mean, I can't remember any of the other ingredients, but there weren't many other ingredients basically just mint sauce and red onions i i i got hooked on it one day i couldn't stop eating it

just this

we just had to certainly expand your breath yeah

i'll stick for the listener i'll stick

that's um that's amazing even hearing you say it back yeah as beautifully as you did uh it's yeah that's gorgeous well

you've heard that please now confirm to the listener that envelope hasn't left you this has been in front of me all the time it just contains my my menu choices.

There's no extra.

You've had it there and you've signed it over the thing.

If you could open it and just read to the listener what it says inside

and hear the envelope being open.

It says prediction on the front of it.

I've removed a sheet of paper.

Yes, here we go.

I'm removing it.

It says Darren's menu.

Here we go.

Water.

Olive oil.

That was we got that one wrong.

That's wrong.

I always see it.

But you always get one wrong.

You've got to get one wrong at the top.

I did have a moment there of thinking, oh my god, is this actually going to be everything?

Well, you always get the first one you always get the first one wrong uh yeah yeah show failure yeah yeah dropping a ball all right pop of doms or bread you put egg mcmuffin and a cigarette

always get the second one wrong always get the second one wrong

starter clams main candy floss flambaid well

okay not far off you're not far off side spaghetti hoops boiling hot nearly like lava nearly like lava spaghetti hoops is close drink an ice cold beer

dessert nothing

we didn't really space out the menu enough and we ran out of space

we had to just leave it dessert this is uh went out of space i'm framing this yeah

that's that's not spaghetti well you i mean yeah i mean in a sense they're all correct you've got the spaghetti hoops and spaghetti hoops are circles like meatballs yeah an ice case cold beer in a sense.

Candy floss, comfort food.

Clams.

Well, I mean clams are by the sea, Pompeii's by the sea.

They probably were feasting on clams when

it all struck.

We talked about all of this.

Olive oil was in the salad.

Yeah.

Egg McMuffin

had a cigarette.

That's my favourite.

I think you peaked early.

Yeah, that one is wrong.

And then olive oil was correct.

That's what I said.

So yeah, yeah.

Pretty good.

Phenomenal.

Pretty good.

You just got Devin Brown.

It's time for the annual section of Bits That Don't Quite Fall Into a Category.

So we've labelled them anecdotes.

Lazy from Benito.

It's Olga.

Yeah, that is the awful way of writing.

He hasn't even bothered with these ones.

Here's Olga Coch, Helen Skelton, Noel Fielding, Rose Matafeo, Jada Pinkett Smith, Katie Wicks, Jason Manzukis, and C-Mat.

That sauce is it like it's like tomato, it's like cocktail sauce, right?

They call it.

Yes.

So it's like...

It's very horseradish heavy.

It's very horseradish heavy because I had it a lot when I was in the States a couple of years ago.

And sometimes it's almost too punishing for me.

It gets in your nose.

Yes, yes, that's what horseradish does.

Truly.

So I grew up, my mom's party trick, when she was at a dinner party, I remember growing up and like things were kind of maybe dying down.

She was like, let's do this.

To get the party back going, she would propose to have either a mustard or a horseradish eating competition, but she wanted to win.

So she challenged the biggest guy at the dinner party and be like, I bet I could eat more horseradish than you.

And the guy could be in tears and she would never shed a tear.

And I would be like, oh, mom, you're the coolest girl ever.

That's so funny.

Every time they write,

it's drunk again.

People are leaving.

All right.

What's going to make people stay?

Biggest guy at the party.

Yeah.

This poor guy doesn't want to do it.

Yeah, you're big fella.

He let a horse wave for me.

Oh, goddammit.

Even though size has absolutely nothing to do with tolerance for horseradish.

but it was more impressive the bigger the thing it was yeah

she would just eat it with a spoon and so i'm i come from a horseradish forward family

do you think you could i don't think i could oh i don't think i could beat my mom but i do think i have a higher tolerance than a lot of people what condiment do you think you could eat the most of just yeah just with a spoon just just with a spoon i'm so glad you asked yes i want to say garlic mayo from like any kebab shop oh that's good yeah like i want it in the big thing with the with a squeezy at the top yeah straight in the mouth into it.

Yeah, yeah, straight into the mouth.

Someone's just stepping on it.

Yeah, that's a good answer.

Because it is very...

What's yours?

Oh, and now it's hard to not just say that because...

We're counting pesto as a condiment?

Yeah.

That's your nightmare.

That's just bits.

No, I love that.

Yeah, tell you what that should be.

That's 100% bits.

Maybe it's just anything I had as a child that had bits in it.

I can eat pesto from the jar like a big yogurt.

Yeah.

Yeah, 100%.

Pine nut forward.

Pine nuts.

Yeah, big load of cheese in there as well.

Just like really oily as well.

Oh, no.

I've got a new one.

Uh-oh.

Laugamar chili oil.

Okay.

We go through that in our house.

I can eat that.

I genuinely eat that from the gym.

Wouldn't it be too spicy?

No, it's not too spicy.

It's like salty as well.

It's sweet.

And it's mainly bits.

It's the crispy chili bits in chili oil.

I've just bought a 700 gram jar of it.

Lots of balance as well because it's giving you, it's not just one flavor.

It's every flavor you need.

That goes on everything.

James?

I guess sour cream sauce, like the dip, sour cream dip.

Would you not feel ill immediately after eating a few spoons of sour cream dip?

You could just, I guess, imagine it's yogurt.

Yeah, yeah, it's very tasty.

I could do that.

I mean, and we know that in the past I've eaten a whole jar of salted caramel sauce before.

Yeah, that's true.

But that was, you were angry when you did that.

I was very cross.

I was just

sticking it to an X.

Oh.

Making sure she couldn't have any of it.

When I was cleaning my stuff out of the house.

I was like, bad luck you ain't getting any of that salted caramel that I've ever had.

Oh, and you leave the jar the M I'm not sure.

I've bought it like the day before we split up.

Then she broke up with me.

I'm like, like, oh god, leave this jar behind.

She's going to meet the rewards of that?

Not on my watch.

Not on your watch, but also not on your watch was just taking it with you.

You stood in the kitchen and

survived the tune journey.

I didn't want it to lose its form.

With like cookie or nothing, just straight up.

On its own, just with a spoon.

I thought, I'm allowed to do this.

Now, calories don't count.

I'm grieving the relationship.

You really showed her.

Yeah, I did show her.

Did you think?

I don't think she noticed.

I mean, I hope she'll listen to this podcast, but I don't think she's a fan of mine.

That's a good question, man.

What condiment could you eat the most of just with a spoon?

I also don't know if frosting counts, but I do remember at my peak sort of 15-year-old.

Because, you know, I don't know what your relationship with food was when you were teenagers, but it was for me, for me, it was like a competitive sport.

And so it's like three sleeps of Oreos, let's go.

And I would like my, I guess, party trick.

Maybe now that I'm saying this, it runs in the family.

Betty Crocker chocolate icing.

Just with a spoon.

Biggest guy in the school.

You be a Betty Crocker inside.

We used to go to a pub that served half pint glasses full of wasabi peas.

And my party trick was downing a half pint of wasabi peas.

Oh my god, but wouldn't it get dry?

The throw would get so dry.

It's really bad.

It's so spicy and it's right in my nose and I'm crying.

The man who said that.

Who's challenging you?

No one's like, come on.

But you bet you've got to go.

I would be like, well,

nearly last orders.

I feel like the Atmos is dropping off.

I want to go on somewhere else.

Half a bunch of Sabi peas, please, Barkey.

And I was the biggest guy in there, so I had to challenge myself to do it.

Yeah.

You be.

So your mum never lost, though?

Never.

No.

She's amazing.

She's amazing.

Also, really sad thing happened that like also one of her things is that like she has a really good sense of smell.

She's a very eccentric lady.

She can like identify anyone's perfume.

Everyone always is like...

Because her nose is so open all of the time.

With the horseshoe.

And so

she can smell, identify absolutely anything.

It's amazing.

It's incredible.

Also was a nightmare because it's like, she obviously could tell if you were out drinking as a teenager.

And so after COVID, she lost her sense of smell.

She still hasn't gotten it back.

And now it's like she literally had an identity crisis.

She was like, I'm not using Deodoran anymore.

Fuck you guys.

Yeah, it was really, really sad.

And now she's like kind of reinventing herself because she

who is she without her sense of smell.

But can she take more horseradish now?

I wonder.

She could take that show on the road.

She could be like one of those competitive eaters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because a prawn cocktail opener.

Can you imagine just eating the cocktail sauce?

Fuck, that would be so cool.

Before, before we do this show, guys, this is my mum.

She's going to eat, she's going to eat a bucket of cocktail sauce.

She doesn't wear the odd.

Fair warning.

She's fucking sticks so everyone gets ready for the

fun row.

I apologize.

my my grandparents lived in uh rothwell oh um so my grandma would always go to leeds market and bring back uh i'd say sack fulls of broken biscuits

yeah yeah absolutely love it why why are broke broken biscuits should be more expensive yeah yeah yeah

my first job was just down the road from mcvitty's factory and i used to do breakfast so i used to have to go to work every morning at 4 30 but it was so good because i had to go past the factory and on the way back they sell off the boxes of broken biscuits.

Yes.

Oh, I wish the Wheatbix factory did that when I was growing up.

There's less of a good smell from a wheat factory, though.

Disgusting thing.

If you enjoy a factory, I did a whole series, you know, on factories.

Did you?

McVitie's, Walker's, Heinz.

Food factories.

Guinness.

Yeah.

There was another one.

Wasn't my best one.

What was your favourite?

What was your favourite factory?

Well, I was pregnant with my third.

My least favourite, because I was pregnant with my third child, was Heinz.

What were you about to say?

I was pregnant with my least favourite child.

No, my least favourite smell is.

Did you say which one?

No, I, yeah, I filmed this series in food factory super brands.

Oh, Warburtons.

That's a great factory smell.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But Heinz beans, when you're heavily pregnant, you do not want to put your head in a big, massive vat of blanched beans.

Oh, God.

It's not great.

But is that, is that, would you say for all pregnancies, or is that specific to yours?

Do you think that beans made made you feel ill?

Because some people might have a craving for it, right?

It might be the best thing possible.

Well, that combined with i spoke to the wonderful people who do the testing they have people who do the quality control and they just all day taste cold bowls of spaghetti hoops alphabeti spaghetti cold soup all of that and that's their job is to just constantly taste stuff a couple of hours of that coupled with the blanche beans it wasn't a great day for me i don't look i didn't meet these people and i've not seen the show i don't want to cast aspersions but i bet those people look awful yes no they no quite and they've all worked there for like 40 years they look like ghosts helen let's be honest yeah surely i mean as i say it was a dark time of my life so

i was just trying not to leave you ill i think those people would look like

um

you know uh have you seen uh the descent no no but actually you're wrong very happy no no no i can't have it they were so they were so happy about their cold bean tasting yeah they think they're happy but they look like they're in the descent they look like they're just not seeming very like them at all

not eating properly no they gave me a personalized bottle of ketchup i can't say anything negative.

That's pretty cool.

That's pretty cool.

We live quite near a bread factory, me and my wife.

And during COVID, when we'd go on our little cycle every day, we'd really treat ourselves if we went the bread way.

Cycle past the factory and cycle through the smell.

That was our one bit of hope and excitement during COVID.

Guinness, that was another good smell.

Yeah.

You can do that in South London.

Cycle past hops places.

Yeah.

God, we're old now, aren't we?

I'm going to have to go fizzy over still, though.

But yeah, I've ruined fizzy by having it in taps.

It doesn't taste the same tap seriously.

Yeah, it's a bit weird.

So for your dream meal, you probably wouldn't want it out of a tap, though.

Also, I heard Bob saying one, Bob Mortimer saying that it dried his mouth out fizzy water.

And I thought, how can water dry your mouth out?

No one queried him on that.

I was thinking.

And there's no point.

He won't answer us.

I think we'd already done like half an hour before we got to water.

So

just let him say that.

Yeah, we've got to get to sugar and tea.

So I think I'm going to go fizzy.

but you know when people order you know people make quite a big deal now about ordering tap water don't they in restaurants i hate that it's really arsy isn't it's like i'll have tap water thanks i'm not paying for your water you're like you're in hesdom blooming

it's not gonna hurt i'll have tap water thanks but really actually well you never know what blumenthal's gonna do to the water though do you if you're ordering still tap water it's like

is there a pond around here just go and take this ladle and just get it just well for you if you order tap you could mean fizzy water yeah Yeah.

That's what you're used to.

Yeah, that's true.

I mean, if you can get fizzy water in your taps, why don't you just get umbongo or something?

Yeah, that's a good point.

It feels like the sky's the limit if we're getting

sparkling water.

Sparkles.

I mean, imagine that.

Would that be, would umbongo be the dream thing to have at the tap?

I think so, yeah.

Sort of dirty, pink, fruity liquid.

Purely for the song, yeah.

Would it play the song every time you pour yourself a glass?

Yeah, the only good thing about having it come out of your taps is you go, Do you want some water?

And when people come around and you go, sparkling or so?

And they go, Oh, this guy's got some, this guy's got some quality about him.

But imagine going, Mbongo, drastic and some mbongo.

I've got it piped in.

They'd be like, oh, this guy's a serial killer.

I know.

But you're one of the few people that people go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got mbongo coming out, makes sense, yeah.

And Nelfield in his house, he had mbongo coming out of his taps.

He washes with it.

He has a full

one of the stickiest men you could ever meet is it still a thing on bongo i think it is is it i think it is yeah i haven't seen it in ages you can still get it you can still is the carton the same yes it's pretty much the same have they done that thing though this is what i don't really like about all those weird things from the 70s and 80s were quite unhealthy but they were delicious and then they sort of go

hey we're still party rings but we're pretty healthy now and you go yeah your party rings dude you don't need need to go.

It's like

they've sort of gone quite dull.

And the party rings were luminous almost.

Yeah.

You can sort of see your way for a dark forest with a party ring.

It's like it'd been laminated with plastic properly.

The party ring was nuts.

But like party rings are now quite dull.

They're sort of a weird.

Yeah, Google party rings, Benito, Google image.

They used to be so bright.

They were luminous yellow.

Yeah.

You knew they were bad for you, but they tasted amazing.

Yeah, they were the colour of Mr.

Blobby.

Yeah.

Do you think they have changed?

Because you know how, like, when you're a kid, everything seems bigger.

Do you think it's also a case of when you're a kid, everything seems brighter?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Your eyesight goes as you get older if your party rings are duller.

Yeah, that's not.

That's not how I remember it.

Your screen brightness turned up to max.

Yeah.

They're almost muddy.

They're muddy looking.

That's a dark pink, yeah.

Yeah, that's not good.

Oh, that's where the brightness turned up to max.

The yellow's still quite good.

It's all right.

I'd like to liquefy those and have them coming out my taps.

Yeah, that'd be good.

You can make that happen for you as the genie if you want.

Do you want the actual water?

Because the water is good.

Let's defy party rings.

We'll change it to that.

Sounds good.

And then maybe, if I'm feeling insane, a tiny sliver of the onion one, but not now.

Not at this age.

Not at this age.

What's happened at this age?

Onions, man.

Onions.

Not your friend.

I've recently been diagnosed with silent acid reflux.

Have you?

This is an exclusive to the podcast, guys.

Here we go.

It's never happened before.

This is like when Stephen Fry went on Rehalustapur.

This is the emotional bit that you clip up.

Yeah.

I have been recently diagnosed.

Silent acid reflux at the tender age of 32,

which is a form of acid reflux where I don't get heartburn, but it goes all the way up and it has given me mild langitis for years now, apparently.

So silent acid reflux.

Yeah.

But deadly.

Silent but deadly.

Silent but deadly, because it's not giving you heartburn, so you don't know you have it.

So it's fine then?

No.

No, because

it gives you lavender.

It gives you acid reflux in the night and stuff.

So I got to have Gaviscon, which is,

I cannot stand this stuff.

It's terrible.

I just want to nail down if it's giving you acid reflux, but you're not feeling it.

I'm feeling it.

Right.

But I'm not getting the heartburn.

Okay.

So it's silent in the sense that heartburn is usually the biggest symptom of acid reflux,

which I have not experienced.

So what are your symptoms then for acid reflux?

Are you doubting?

No, I'm not.

I'm saying

I'm trying to nail down.

I don't know

what the other symptoms are.

So you said you're feeling it.

How do you feel?

Coughing in the night.

Coughing.

Okay, thanks.

Post-nasal drip.

Post-nasal drip.

Constant, relentless, mild laryngitis.

Okay.

Yes, thank you.

Do you want a note?

I got a note.

A note for the moment.

I was recently sent from the doctor.

Silent.

Acid reef.

Well, it means though I have to stop, you know,

eating late and, you know, figuring out what your triggers are.

all of a sudden, it just, it's sad, isn't it?

Yeah.

I can't do it.

I think onions are a real trigger for that.

I think onions and garlic, isn't it?

Yeah.

It sucks, man.

What was the final thing that made you go to the doctors?

I've got to sort this problem out.

This side of that.

But you didn't know it silently outside of E-Flicks at the time.

Well, I completely lost my voice after a run of shows.

And so I went to the, and then that, yeah, I went to an ENT doctor and he put the camera down my nose.

Oh, no.

And I saw my vocal cords,

saw my throat.

That was pretty freaky do you put a camera down your nose yeah really good question back into your nose because i guess you go back and down back and down back and down to the throat but you go do you go up and back and down it's up and back and down yeah sorry yeah yeah he did say that because he did say that he was doing he's like

this is something that we don't have here but like I only know about through watching American TV shows or films is kids with their lemonade stands.

Yeah, that's a real thing.

I've never seen it.

Yeah, it's a real thing.

I see it all the time.

You think any of them would attempt

lavender lemonade?

Ideally, not with vodka.

No, I don't.

I don't.

I mean, listen, at the lemonade stands, we'd be lucky to just get a decent glass of lemonade.

Listen, lemonade itself.

Really think about this.

Lemonade itself is really an art form.

Good lemonade with that nice balance of lemon.

water and sugar.

Because it's easy to mess up.

Like most of the time, lemonade is too tardy.

Like when I order lemonade, I'm scared to order lemonade in restaurants because I'm like, oh, this is going to be crap.

It's either going to be watered down,

you know, or it's going to be too tardy.

It's not going to have enough sugar.

Well, here, I mean, I think I only heard about lemonade in the American sense, like a lot later in life, because here, growing up, lemonade would mean like sprite or seven up, right?

Sure.

If you ask a lemonade in a restaurant,

you're getting fizzy.

Yeah.

Got it.

But that proper homemade lemonade, which is so good.

Is it Sprite or 7 Up for you guys?

I'd go 7 up.

I think I'd go Sprite.

This is why we work well as hosts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think I'm 7 Up too.

I think 7 Up is a tad sweeter.

I think.

Yeah.

I think.

With a bit of vodka in.

I would bet there's less bubbles.

In a dream for sure.

Listen, I'll take vodka in any damn thing.

Yeah, yeah.

It's my favorite.

I love vodka.

If I may just roll back to the lemonade stands.

If you're walking down the street, how good good would a kid's lemonade stand have to be for you to accept that they might be able to do lavender lemonade?

There's a little kid,

and they've got a load of lavender

and they've got all the other stuff for lemonade.

And they're like, Jessica Smith, would you like a lavender lemonade?

How good does the setup have to be?

What are you looking for?

And they're calling Jada by her full name.

They're calling you by your full name.

Let me tell you, let me tell you what.

If I go to a lemonade stand and then like Jada Pinkett Smith,

first for a kid to even know who the hell I am, okay?

Because most of the time it'll be Jaden's mom, Willow's mom, and they even know anything about a lavender lemonade.

They won.

I'm like, run it.

I don't even care what it tastes like.

Run that lavender lemonade.

The fact that you even know that a lavender lemonade exists and you know my full name,

you win.

James obviously loved the idea of you sat in the car waiting for the chips, thinking about

what it would be like to be in love.

Yeah, yeah, thinking about what it would be like to be in love with fun.

That song is the first time I really...

It just, from that song, I thought, being in love is just going to be so, you know, epic.

It's going to be amazing.

Also, I remember the music video for that song, because I remember, it was number one for ages.

I think it was 16 weeks.

Yeah.

So he wasn't turning up every week to perform it.

Not on top of the pop.

On top of the pop.

So like they would just show the video.

Yeah, you're so right.

But I hadn't seen that film.

I just remember that like...

Was it Flaming Arrow?

Do you know what knocked it off?

Because you know like music traces.

I don't know with that one actually.

Yeah, it might have been like...

Is it wet, wet, wet?

See, I'm just blurring all that era and stuff intogether.

Because,

yeah, I mean, think twice by Celine Dion wouldn't have been long after that.

But maybe...

That didn't make me think about love.

No.

I don't think about Thinking Twice.

The YouTube song?

Maybe.

One of the original number ones.

Yeah.

sometimes they would record the live performance on Top of the Pops and then just play that in, wouldn't they?

They would, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember when they were in

a few weeks ago, but like so lazy.

Yeah, but if you're Adams, like, and I'd say by the time it gets to five weeks at number one, if you're having to go into Top of the Pops every time, you're like, oh, for five days.

I nearly, um, I went to South Korea recently.

This is related, I promise.

Um, with a vegan and Tim Ki.

And uh, I'm

the third diet.

Is this a different vegan

worm meal?

No,

same vegan.

I'm in a thrupple with Tim Kina Vegan, that's what I'm saying.

We're really happy.

And I went to South Korea and Brian Adams was playing, and we nearly thought, oh, let's just go in, be funny.

Yeah.

We were looking for K-pop and we found Brian Adams.

Brian Adams.

The opposite.

That story doesn't go anywhere.

I would have thought if you went to see Brian Adams, that would transport you back to thinking.

What would it be like to be in love?

I'd be there with my thrupple.

Yeah.

I know it's a bit of a bit of a bit of it.

But it's finally with it.

But with a fly

and it's twice twice the fun

you too

not not which song the fly by

no idea

so devo'd that i blanked it out i remember sitting in my car wondering what it would be like to be a fly

well i talk about flies i've literally during this chat looked down and realized uh that my flies are completely undone at least you've got something

on they are currently and I didn't want to do them up again.

I'm going to check mine.

My tits are hanging out

for the whole thing.

Is that all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It happens.

We'll put

the only clips we'll put out from this point, okay?

Honestly, I'm fine with that.

I could do it with an image change.

I'm absolutely fine with that.

What about Katie?

She had an image change.

What's she doing?

She gets her tits out on podcasts.

Does her tits out all the time?

That leaves them out.

So,

because, I mean, excuse me, I don't know what eggs are in what bread, you know?

No, I never thought about it.

I know what eggs are.

Sourdough traditionally safe, you know,

like a pretty, you know, I wouldn't just start, you know, freestyling sourdough if they put it down.

I'd still ask, but almost always it's going to be safe.

Yeah.

You know, there's a couple of breads that are pretty, pretty safe.

But I kind of steer clear of bread just because you never know when someone's going to be fancy and brush some egg on top so it looks good or something like that.

So what are the danger breads?

What are the breads where you see them and all that?

I'm going nowhere near.

Hala.

Hala, big, huge, you know, brioche.

These are like egg-laden breads.

These are like mostly eggs.

Yeah.

You know, and they're, yeah, they have that glaze on them.

They're very super dangerous.

And restaurants are obsessed with brioche as well.

They love it.

And heartbreakingly, a bunch of years ago, everybody was like, oh, for hamburgers now, brioche buns.

Yeah, yeah.

No more like regular old buns that anybody can eat like you, Jason Manzukis.

No.

Brioche, fancy buns.

Everything's egg.

At a certain point, it becomes everything had eggs in it.

Even like,

that was the big, that was the absolutely devastating thing about like the mixology craze was that suddenly there was egg foam in cocktails.

Yeah.

And like that was like, that was really wild to wrap my head around because why would you ever think that that would be a source of danger?

Like a cocktail?

Like I went on a date once with a woman to like just a bar, no food.

We had drinks.

It was lovely.

We kissed goodnight and I was like, I have to go to the hospital.

But I was so confused.

I was like, I'm having an allergic reaction, but I haven't eaten anything.

And she was like, well, what are you allergic to?

And I was like, eggs?

She was like, oh, no.

My drink had eggs in it.

And I was like, why?

I was like, why would you do that?

That's disgusting.

First of all, why would you order a drink that has egg foam in it?

That sounds rancid in every way.

So she had an eggy drink.

Yeah.

You kissed her good night.

Correct.

And then you had to go to the hospital.

Correct.

So

you kissed the lady and then you said I have to go.

I have to go.

I have to go.

I had to stop kissing.

I had to stop the

this was a successful day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know how hard it is to get to the point where I'm like, this has gone well.

This is well enough that we are now kid.

The classic Los Angeles let me walk you to your car.

Yeah.

We are kissing at the car.

This is going great.

And then suddenly I'm like, I guess I have to leave and go to the emergency room.

This is awful.

Or take an EpiPen.

Goodbye.

And then she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I was like, why?

You didn't know.

Why would you?

You did nothing wrong except choose

what sounds to me like a disgusting drink.

And were you dressed as Darfader or?

Yes, I was dressed as Emperor Palpatine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He looks like he's had an allergy, to be fair to him.

He does.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that guy hates her.

You should have said, I've got to go to the emergency room because you're too good at kissing.

Yes.

Oh,

by the way, well done.

Yeah, thanks.

She could tell everyone that forever now.

she can be like once kissed a guy so good he went to the emergency room

have you sorry i'm gonna go off on a tangent now because you said gingerbread and gingerbread is maybe my favourite thing have you ever had have you ever have you ever been to cumbria yeah yeah right are you aware that william wordsworth's sister invented a patented type of Cumbrian gingerbread that you can still only buy from this one bakery in Cumbria.

I'll tell you what.

In Grasmere.

I've never known my cupboard.

I've got them in my cupboard at home.

Isn't it unreal?

Good stuff.

I ordered two boxes of it for because we just did a week of rehearsals because we're going on tour next in like a couple of days.

I ordered two boxes of it to satiate the crew and the band.

And just every so often when someone looked like they were going to kill each other, I would just like force feed them some Grasmere gingerbread.

And they're like, that's so delicious.

I was like, yeah, I know it is.

Distraction tactic.

But also the nicest shit I've ever had in my life.

I didn't know.

I did not know this.

It's really good.

It's really, really good.

Do you know as well?

She sells.

She's dead.

It's Sarah Nelson.

She's long gone.

because it was

may she rest in peace they sell because it's covered in this like crumbly bread crumb gingerbread breadcrumb thing they sell big bags of just those crumbs for three pounds so you can make it in like a cheesecake wow do you know like you can make a cheesecake with that or you can sprinkle on top of other things or just unreal it's only three pounds straight in the mouth right

no one's making the eating cheesecake with it

no i would be shoveling straight into my mouth yeah do you know It's great stuff.

This is just about crumbs.

You'll love this story, so I'm not sure I've told it on the podcast before.

I don't remember a crumb story.

My wife told me the other day that when she was a little kid at nursery and primary school, that if it was someone's birthday, a cake would get brought in.

And rather than just everyone getting a slice, the teacher would make it into crumbs.

and then make all the kids sit there with their mouths open like that and then drop the crumbs into their mouth and it was called birdie crumbs.

I do love that.

Of course I love that.

Yeah.

That is really disturbing.

It's pretty disturbing when you think about it, isn't it?

Yeah.

Was there other adults around?

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean it's like all the kids are lined up with their mouths open and then birdie crumbs.

I definitely don't think any teacher would do that now.

Even though it's not technically

out of order.

I think you would still be like, I feel like I'm pushing some sort of boundary here.

One thing if they've like, you know, gotten, you know, like when you when you pull meat and you like shred shred it with for, right, say they get the cake, they shred it up, and then they like get a spoon and spoon it onto individual plates, and then the kids do the birdie crumbs themselves.

But you're telling me that an adult human

made the children stand in a line

and feed them birdie crumbs.

Yeah,

that's the bitter spoon.

They may as well chew it and then spit it into their mouths like a fucking bird.

Like, what's going on?

Yeah.

Yeah, pretty weird.

Yeah, like starlings.

Starlings do that?

Ace Ventura does that?

Yeah, Ace Ventura does it in the second film.

That film hasn't aged well at all.

No, it's really bad.

Neither of them have aged well.

No,

both of them got some.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Pretty bad.

Jim Carrey hasn't aged well.

In general, like, not physically.

I mean, he looks fabulous.

He looks great.

Jim, you look great.

We've had an unusual amount of cannibalism talk on the podcast this year.

Yes, I guess we have.

This is Sebastian Stan, Olga Kock, Natalie Cassidy, and Ella Purnell.

Well, you are what you eat.

Yeah, yeah.

You were in one film.

In Fresh, you were what you were.

You were eating humans.

That's right.

Yeah.

Remember that?

Yes.

That was wild.

I do, yeah.

A lot of James's questions to actors are to say a film and then go, do you remember that?

Which we're assuming you do actually remember.

Not all actors we've had on do remember that.

That's true.

Yeah, I do.

I mean,

that was a lot of fun.

Well, the scene when you're preparing it all, it actually genuinely looks quite delicious for a second there, which is worrying.

Well, there was a chef on set who was preparing things right on the dock, but it's interesting when...

something gets passed and you label it a certain way because then you're looking at it differently and kind of looking for things in the in the the meatballs you know uh

but uh that movie it's funny i i hear a lot about that movie people still kind of come up and ask me about it and i never i never i never knew how it was going to it was going to do i think i think because it messes with your head a bit that film because it does make you you're a very charismatic um cannibal killer and uh

and you do make the food look pretty delicious it does get in the audience's heads more than if you were just like some crazed monster who we were terrified of.

You kind of go, oh, maybe I want to be a cannibal.

Sebastian Stan made it look quite nice.

How do you guys feel about European total like an orangina?

I love orangina.

I mean, that's just, there's a real nostalgia for orangina, though.

And the bottle's the shape of an orange.

You can't fuck with it.

It's good.

It's good stuff.

Again, sophisticated bottle.

Yeah, really sophisticated.

Affordable luxury.

We're back at it.

That to me is like holidays when I'm a kid.

Like being around a swimming pool or something, having an orangina.

A cold orangina, baby.

I wouldn't like the bits in it no i think that makes it that gives the the illusion of health which i enjoy yeah oh that's all that's good yeah i guess you're good of course you didn't like bits when you're of course you're one of those kids a little pale kid who didn't eat bits no i had to i had to eat bits all the time i'm gonna get made to eat bits yeah because it would be a healthy boy my mum got us yogurts with bits in it

and like fruit juice with bits i was like i don't like bits she's like well bad luck well you're a crusts off kid as well i wish there's no way no way i could have got away with that i had to have the crusts smooth peanut butter no crunchy peanut butter every time even though i would have preferred smooth yeah of course you would have preferred smooth okay okay okay yep this is it was just like my goddamn life man and i hated bits when i was an adult i was like i'm never doing bits again

and i haven't have you not i will not do fruit juice with bits like a fresh like a fresh orange juice look i will i will grin and bear it but i don't want it to feel like it feels like someone's emptied a bag of pencil shavings in my goddamn drink i hate it.

This is bizarre, man.

What?

Bits, you gotta go bits, right?

There'll be people saluting their

life.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

I don't like that.

Yoga, I can hack the bits a little bit more, but I don't like it when there's like the pulpy, strawberry, horrible, like, like someone.

So you're in Germany just purely flavor.

You're not a texture guy.

I love texture in the right.

No, good texture.

Those aren't good textures.

Those aren't good textures.

Bubble tea?

I actually haven't done bubble tea, but I, which I can't believe I've not done bubble tea yet.

I've not drunk bubble tea, but I would like that.

The tapioca pearls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's nice.

That's bits, though, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, but they're like fun bits, and

they're not bits that feel like...

Waste product.

Yeah, the strawberry pulpy stuff is like, it's like...

What strawberry pulpy stuff are you talking to?

In a yogurt.

It's a smoothies?

Okay, yogurt.

When you get yogurt that's got bits of strawberry in it, just like...

Do you mean a compot?

No, no, that's different.

I love that.

But like, I mean, when it's all mixed together already, and you just open it, and there's like pips in there knocking around

and like, and bits of pulpy strawberry that's like, it feels like someone's like,

like someone's skin.

I think this is more revealing than you realize it.

Yeah, that's a huge leap.

No, no, no, it's like.

Speak more on that.

It's just like,

yeah, like bits of people.

Maybe that's in my head because I watched The Sight of the Snow last night and they eat each other in that.

Right.

Yeah.

I think some of the people.

Oh, is that the one with

the team that gets straight

in the mountains?

Yeah.

Great film.

But they don't put each other in yogurt, do they?

Well, kind of.

They put each other in ice and eat the ice to help it go down.

So I guess if there was yoghurt available, they would have actually they probably wouldn't have eaten each other.

If there was yogurt available.

Yeah, we've got enough yogurt to last us six months.

All right, we're going to have to start eating each other and putting it in the yogurt.

Yeah, hang on.

Hang on, Terry.

Saw a film the other day where the main character has it almost raw in steak.

Blue.

Was he a bear?

No, Jesse Clements.

And

then his wife comes back.

She's been away for ages.

And he doesn't trust it.

It's his wife.

So he asks her to cut off her finger and feed it to him.

And she does it.

And if your partner, if you were away for a bit

and you got home and your partner said, I don't believe it's you, cut off your finger.

Sorry, why does it work?

What's happened with the character?

Can we whine back a bit?

I've still not seen this film, so you really

don't whine.

Why doesn't he believe what?

Is he locked in a room?

Is he blind?

He doesn't believe it's her.

She's acting acting weird.

She's acting different.

She's eating chocolate cake.

She never used to eat chocolate.

Right.

Her shoes don't fit her anymore.

It's a weird film, though, isn't it?

Sounds it.

A bit weird.

Weirder than EastEnders.

Less realistic.

Okay.

Has there ever been a cannibal on EastEnders?

Not that I know of.

Oh, you've got to do that.

You've got to do it.

You could come in and do that, James.

Why don't you come in and be a weirdo that moves into the square and he starts to like as a

weird?

No, you're not the acting obviously.

No, no, he is.

Hey, listen, I'd gladly play a cannibal on East Enders.

Yeah.

Who would you eat?

Who wouldn't I eat?

More like.

You could eat Sonia.

Well, listen.

Yeah.

Sonia, first to go.

What a CV that would be for you, James.

Already full of garlic.

Yeah.

Delicious.

Coming out the pores.

Filled with mayo.

Yeah.

Love that.

I'd be quite good, I think, to eat.

Who else is still knocking around in the square?

People that you might know.

Ian Beale's still there?

Yeah, Bealey's there.

He's got a wood.

Wood, yeah.

a you having a chunk of wood yep yeah I'd have wood yeah maybe that'll just be I'll just eat Ian Beale because I think like long longest serving cast member um yeah very much so one of one of yeah I mean it's a good thing I think what what are you ending yeah for his character yeah I'd at least give it a go try and eat him I think that you know maybe Stenders isn't ready for actual cannibalism but a cannibal character who tries to eat Ian Beale

you get a lot of people watching that yeah you would yeah just from the listens to this to be fair yeah if I've got him in a big cauldron, in a pot, and he's like bound at the ankles.

He's got a phrase that he says.

He'd be going around in the cauldron.

He'd be going, I've got nothing left.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've got nothing left.

Yeah.

I'm like, keep on crying, Beale.

It just seasons the pot.

I'm not sure Eastenders is ready for a cannibal, actually.

Yeah, no, I'm not sure either.

Just maybe purely because it's on at half seven.

Yeah.

I think maybe a storyline where someone thinks that someone is a cannibal

and they suspect someone of of being a cannibal, it could be like a bit of a comedy storyline because

their wife goes on holiday and they don't know and they're like, oh, he's eating her or something.

Yeah.

Everyone thinks I'm eating people.

Yeah.

Because there's just different stuff that I'm doing.

But I think you should stick to what you know, boys, because I think the storyliners at work are probably okay.

They're okay.

Well, look,

take that to them anyway.

I'll take that to them.

I will let them know.

Let them know that the off-menu boys have got an idea.

Yeah.

Or that everyone thinks there's a cannibal on the square.

Yeah.

Hey, this was exciting in my house many years ago.

I had the same dressing gown as Sonia.

Excuse me?

I had the same dressing gown as Sonia.

My mum was like, you got the same dressing gown as Sonia.

That was exciting.

That was big news in our house.

What colour was it?

It was like, it had a pattern.

It was quite patterned.

I'm trying to think of what one it was.

Yeah, it was like...

Why did you have a female's...

I'd say

it was a unisex dressing gown.

It was probably around the same time as the trumpet came in.

Oh, so prop, well, we were looking maybe 95.

How old are you, Ed?

I'm 38.

Are you really?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm 41.

So you're.

This is probably when I was nine or ten, maybe.

Yeah, so I would have been maybe 13, 14, Sonia would have been.

Same dressing gown.

Wow.

Mad, isn't it?

It's incredible.

I was planning to bring it.

I'm not saying that we haven't got a visual of this.

Do you want a picture of it?

I'm sure.

I'll ask my mum.

I'm sure.

I need to Google Sonia 13 dressing gown.

Be careful.

I was planning on bringing that up, but I couldn't find the moment for it to come up naturally, so I just said it.

Off the back of the cannibal chat.

I think it works perfectly.

Yeah, happy with that?

Yeah.

Haven't even talked about you and all your mates eating each other on the island.

So the food podcast wasn't.

I think seeing as we just talked about a bunch of school kids going to Adventure Island, we might need to just

clarify that that's not what you're referring to, question mark?

No, I'm not referring to that, I'm referring to you and your friends

with the plane.

Yellow jacket.

The TV show.

I'd say lead with Yellow Jackets TV show

acting.

Burying the headline there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They all ate each other.

You and all your friends ate each other on an island.

We've never had...

Adventure Island when you took all your friends to Adventure Island, you gave them the donuts, and then you ate them all.

Yeah, you ate them all.

Only one child returned back to London.

And happy birthday, me.

Yeah, Yellow Jacket.

That's messed up.

That is really messy.

We've never had anyone on the podcast before who's been that heavily involved in cannibalism, and this is a food podcast.

I know.

it's a bit of a thing.

I'm gonna get a reputation because it's it's it's happened in two two shows I've done that one and Fallout.

Yeah, people people are starting to talk.

Yeah.

It's not good.

But it's always in a situation where it gets a bit desperate, right?

I'd hope so.

It's never like you've never been in a show where you're like, ooh, I'm hungry.

I'll just eat a no.

Well, in Fallout,

I don't eat anyone, but the ghoul does eat

other ghouls, sometimes humans.

I think, actually, I don't think he does eat humans.

He makes ass jerky

out of another ghoul's bum.

Yeah.

Obviously.

He wouldn't make it out of his elbow, would he?

Silly.

Well, if you don't know your ass from your elbow, wow.

Best in the biz.

He's the best in the biz.

Quick question before we go then.

Okay.

You've got to eat another actor who you've worked with in the past.

Yeah.

Just who's it going to be?

It has to be someone you've worked with.

That's a really good question because are you going to go for, like, what are the circumstances?

What's the context?

What's the circumstances?

I've got to eat them because I'm desperate because I'm very, very hungry.

Or you've got a gun to my head and you're like, you've got to eat them now, but I'm not that hungry.

How hungry am I?

You're very, very hungry.

I'm very, very hungry.

Am I starving?

Am I on like, is it a yellow jacket?

It's a yellow jacket situation.

So I want someone with like big muscles, right?

Because then that's like more protein, probably.

Yeah.

Right?

Who's the most muscular actor I've worked with?

The guy that I threw up on was pretty muscly.

He's not an actor that I work with.

I mean, yeah, but

he is someone that i know that that's that's got muscles i'd probably eat him or aaron aaron from fallout he's been working out a bit lately yeah yeah i'll eat him what's the surname moten aaron moten and moten you get eaten

now part one had a toilet humor section part two has a filth section apparently What what are we doing with our lives?

You can't write that down and make me say it.

He just writes, what are we doing with our lives?

He doesn't even put a question mark at the end of it.

What are we doing with our lives?

What are we doing with our lives he's just written that and he's letting us that's it we we've got to come out and act like we're ashamed of our um filth you and toilet humor you are i love it i'm not ashamed of the filth and toilet i'm ashamed of the podcast as a whole i think it's pathetic let's hear unbridled muck from sarah sarah baron hamed anna mashawn sebastian stan phil dunster olga cox sarah baron hamed anna mashawn again dirty boy sebastian stan again phil dunster again didn't know sebastian stan was so dirty dirty.

That wasn't my, all I remember is that he loves pranks.

So basically, I went from playing with dolls

to you're there is so much fear in the eyes of the three men at the table, six eyes of fear.

I went into diary writing.

Yes.

Okay.

And then diary writing, as I matured, turned into erotic diary writing.

Wow.

That was clearly me having some kind of exploration

of the issues that we all confront.

And have you ever been more, like, have you ever been less physically comfortable than you are right now?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Are you fine?

I want to hear some details of these diaries.

Okay, then thank you so much.

I will tell them.

So my, it's, it's essentially what it is, is it's like pornography written by a child.

Yes.

Yeah.

I'm slightly more uncomfortable now than you.

If you want me to keep a tally on it.

Yeah.

Okay.

I understand how that sort of ratcheted it up for you.

Stay with me here.

It's not the word child that's the word child in pornography.

No one likes to say that.

I prefer

the way around you said.

What did I say?

You said pornography written by a child.

That's the way around I want those words to be.

Oh, to be said near each other.

Not a problem.

Thank you.

Thank you for the guidance.

Yes.

Thank you for the guidance.

So because I, and also, if it makes you guys feel more comfortable, the characters in my head as I was writing them, like, they were like 18.

Right.

Okay, so I'm like 12, and my characters whose story I'm writing are like 18.

The protagonist is 18.

The protagonist Jenny.

Because for a second, I thought you were saying the other characters were

18.

Because that would make me feel way worse.

No, no.

This is from the mind of a child.

But you've, you're talking about.

But she's thinking to her, right?

Like

the coolest people, if you're 12, it's like an eight, like a 17-year-old.

Are you kidding when like you're 12?

Let's say 18.

You want 18?

I get it.

I get it.

Okay.

So my spelling is bad,

but I'm using proper language because that was how I was raised.

Yes.

Proper language.

Yes.

So repeatedly, I make mention of boobs,

but I spell it bobs.

Repeatedly, I use the word penis, but I spell it pinus.

So it'll be like, I took my bobs and I'll put them on his pinus.

Like very, very, very strange.

yeah and then I didn't like there was um if you guys want to avoid eye contact in this next part that's like completely right you're looking it's so um there's like so much empathy in what you're doing in a way so like I really want to carry her through this but also I want to I want I want to make sure you keep talking about it because I am finding it very funny okay okay that's good so and like weird shit happens and um

like uh like so I had the thing I don't even think it was a sexual thing I just think it was like an interest in Michael Bolton Was he a thing over here?

Yeah, sure.

So wait, Ed, listen to me.

Ed, Ed, Ed.

You couldn't have sex unless some song from the album Time, Love, and Tenderness was playing.

So a consistent feature is like,

hold on.

Yeah, I've got to put on.

I got to, I got to go put on some Michael Bolton.

Yeah.

And you always had to have champagne.

Yes.

You could not have sexual intercourse without like a...

Without champagne.

That was sort of how you began.

And then once everyone was done was like yeah and then I didn't was Jenny having sex every day yeah she had sex multiple times a day every day and she'd go to like a car and she'd like you know yeah yeah she'd do it in a car

there'd have to be champagne in the car right there's champagne in Michael Bolton it's like it's just there yeah she'd go to like a party and be like hey

she'd be like hey

you feel like doing it tonight oh wow

Yeah, I'd be like, hey, you feel like doing it tonight?

And then the guy'd be like, yeah, I can do it tonight.

And then they'd like go into a room and like wherever the house party was.

And it'd be like, would you like a glass of champagne?

And then what am I saying?

And you'd do it.

And I get his pinus out.

I get his pinus out.

But interestingly about his pinus is I didn't understand.

I thought the reverse about erections.

Well, you thought they were hard all the time and they went soft for sex.

Not quite, although basically

when I hear someone else say it back to me, it's so much better.

It was that I thought if an erection went on too long, you had to stop.

It was like, like, calm that pinus down.

I can't do this anymore.

It's too hard.

It's too hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got to soften that pinus for this to continue.

And then

the grand finale was, I didn't understand, like, certainly for women.

The idea of orgasms were very, very unclear.

Yeah,

I mean, good.

Yeah, thank God.

Right, right.

And I would.

Well, I just, I would be more worried if Sarah, when she was 12, was writing with a full knowledge of all sexual intercourse.

Well, I don't know.

A lot of women would say that those kind of things need to be taught about more from an earlier age.

I would agree, but I wasn't the one to carry that weight.

I wouldn't be educating.

Let's work on the spelling before we get into the education.

I think if you can't spell penis, you shouldn't be allowed to see one or touch one.

Sure.

Nobody's going near my pen.

I just, I feel the need to say i don't like i don't i think where this came from was a complete lack of exposure to anything real yeah like i don't think i saw a piece of actual pornography until i was like 20.

i mean really remedial well you didn't need it you know

look at this brain boys look at this big brain this sexy brain yeah um so so there'd be like talk about mounting feelings

but then i didn't understand

what would happen.

And so the characters would just piss all over each other.

I'd be like, oh, and then his kind of something, and I peed

on him.

Wow.

I feel we've really opened

with one of the most

arguably.

Oh, did you not see the pee-pee coming?

No, there was no ramp up to it.

You gave no like,

you gave no, um, there was no disclaimers.

It was just straight into they peed all over each other

so when when jenny was doing it with someone yeah you go to the house party you go to a room champagne michael bolton and they'd look at each other and then just both urinate on each other's mouth no it would be like they'd be it would i said humping a lot it'd be like humping humping humping

So my dream start would be chili salted corn ribs.

Oh, yeah.

Lovely.

Love corn ribs.

When did corn ribs first come into your life?

Mate, I tried it a couple of years ago.

Me and my wife went out for dinner and they, we saw it on the menu, corn ribs.

And we were like, corn ribs?

When did that ever come into, how is that a thing?

Yeah, let's give it a go.

Mate, we,

yeah.

It's so good.

Delicious.

They're incredible.

I think I, I might have had them for the first time at, there's a restaurant called Fallow in London and had them there.

And then I think they, suddenly they're everywhere as as well.

I think they started doing them at like Oaxaca or something as well.

But

you've tried to make them, right?

I made them loads.

Yeah.

I love making them.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to have to chop up a cob.

Chopping up the cob is hard.

I will admit.

But yeah, I've got a good technique now of how to do it.

I'll get through them a lot quicker.

The first time, anyone listening, if you're planning on chopping up some cobs, the first time

just be careful because it's very easy to just like end up with a knife in in yourself in your belly really because it that's like chopping board height and then when the when the cob disappears from underneath the knife yeah so you just just take it slow but now i'm all over that it's great and then and and that you they make them really quickly toss them in a bowl with all the whatever you want chili salt in this case yeah delicious love it so good so good and you can pretend like what what when it says corn ribs What creature do you imagine?

The ribs have come from.

I've imagined Jolly Green Giant.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it's quite small ribs for the Jolly Green Giant.

Yeah, he's got a lot of them.

Oh, is that what you imagine you're eating?

Yeah, yeah, Jolly Green Giant's ribs.

Right, someone's killed him,

caught him and killed him.

Yeah, and then I'm eating his ribs now.

Do you imagine that they're from a creature?

No, I've never thought of it that way.

No weird, it's weird, honestly.

Well, yeah, it's the only creature I can think of who would have sweet corn ribs is the Jolly Green Giant.

Yeah, that's true, actually.

Yeah, I hear that.

I think he would definitely have sweet corn ribs

and maybe a cornless cob as a penis.

A cornless cob.

Yeah, so all the corn would be off of it.

I feel like

I can't imagine him having a corny penis.

A corn on the cob penis, but I can imagine him just having a cob penis.

Yeah.

I mean, if he had a corn on a cob penis, he probably had to see someone.

Yeah, yeah.

He would.

Nobody wants a corny penis.

No one wants that.

No, because no one's penis is made out of the same thing as their ribs are.

Yeah, that would be mad.

That would be crazy.

Yeah, if your ribs and your penis are the same, then see a doctor.

That's actually a very important message for anyone listening.

I heard that the Jolly Green Giants had one of his corn ribs taken out and so he can suck himself off.

That's why there's no corn on the cock.

He had to go around it sideways, though.

He knows what he likes.

You usually get put with Anthony Mackey junkets when it's like Marvel stuff.

So you two have to sit and and do the interviews together yeah i'm pretty sure that happened because

about six or seven years ago because i i was so bad at at junkets i was always so quiet that they're like we need to give him the loudest man on the planet to revive him and he and he does i mean anthony is just so you guys would have such a blast with him on it on the show like he he's He's big time.

Do I see him in an interviews?

Has he got a boat or something?

Or is that just in the show that you guys did?

No, no, no.

He has a boat.

I think he has a boat.

He also goes fishing.

He goes hunting.

He's been trying to get me down there to go hunting with him for a long time.

I'm like, Anthony, I don't, can you imagine me with a rifle down there in the backwoods of New Orleans?

I mean, but it would be fun.

I think we should, I would do that with him in film it because it just would be ridiculous, you know, in a good way.

Oh, people would watch a whole series of you two going hunting together.

Yeah, into the wild.

But he loves that thing.

Like, you know, he'd be the one to on that.

There's those shows, you know, that take actors and put them on a mountain and then they have to kind of like survive.

Yeah, that wouldn't be me.

That wouldn't be you?

No.

How long do you think you could survive on a mountain?

What's he got with him?

What are they giving him?

Good question.

I don't think it's, I'm not thinking of that show, Naked and Afraid.

You know that show?

Yeah, that's when they're naked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got more than that, I'm imagining.

Like, you've got some water.

Yeah, I mean, it's not the sign up to Naked and Afraid, is he, Sebastian Stunn.

Naked and Afraid.

Just the one way to go out.

Like, that'd be it.

It'd be the last hurrah.

Return to innocence.

Yeah.

That'd be quite a good end to the career.

I don't know why anyone agrees to that show, to be fair.

No.

It's fascinating, isn't it?

Like, I don't know either, but

there are people that do really well on it.

Yeah.

I mean, somebody's cut out for it.

But I just think no matter how well you do on it, you're still butt naked on TV the whole time.

And you've got to carry around the mic in a little bag and it looks really undignified there's no winners have you seen naked attraction have you seen that yeah i have seen it we were just talking about it were you just talking about it yeah we were yes because we're talking about wild shows here and that one uh that's hilarious isn't it it's like it's it's really like a car accident you're just constantly enamored yeah just the way that the way the thing slides up and then from the feet to the middle is the some of the worst moments on tv i've ever seen i think imagine being behind that screen.

Like, I wonder what it's got above your dick.

Yeah.

I'm just thinking, I actually hope that I get eliminated now because I'd like them not to see my face for this to go on TV.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's right.

At that point, I'll be like,

I'm happy going home with this.

But they've got to be,

I mean, I wonder what the submission process for that is.

What are the questions that they ask?

I think they just send through a photo, a full-length naked photo, but this producer looks at it on really slow internet so it loads up from the bottom so they can imagine they can imagine the reveal of it what it'll be like sometimes I pretend to be on naked attraction I've got electronic blinds

that's amazing

at a certain place yeah yeah so who's who's judging who's judging you on the posty you know postman and

various people who well one of the most common problems is uh the blokes who go on it um very afraid of you know looking small on tv trying to make it look as impressive as possible before going on but then there's a very fine line yes where if they if they just get all the way bona they got to go home yeah it's like you can't we can't put that on tv right right right so they're like i've got to make it as impressive as possible without getting too impressive yeah but that would be even so um sorry about this yeah

it'd be so psychotic wouldn't it like you're like your brain's just trying to figure out how

where to send blood to begin with and it's like you're just like there now and like there's a million people that are on the other side just waiting and it's uh

apparently the studio is freezing cold as well yeah yeah so they're battling against the other helping yeah

is anyone doing anything particularly interesting with the popadoms are they doing cheesy garlic popadoms i think we've had cheese on them melted cheese popadom sandwich before yeah we have someone chose that because then i promised that i'd eat one in the bath for some reason yeah and then he still hasn't done it

and by the way in the episode where he promised he would do that absolutely adamant he was going to do it.

Me saying, you're not going to do that, him being like, I absolutely guarantee you that I will.

As soon as the episode went out and people were asking for it, he went, I'm doing that.

There's no way.

That's a comic relief.

As if I do that, why would I do that?

That's a comic reliefer.

That's like baked beans.

A bath of baked beans.

Yeah.

Classic.

What was it?

Eating a poppy dummy in the bath?

Eating a popped-dom cheese sandwich in the bath.

Okay.

He certainly was going to do it.

I mean, if comic relief get hold of you and ask you to do it, you do it.

I just don't think it'd make a lot of money for them, really.

I disagree.

Oh, if they're asking you, they know their stuff.

Bath of Beans, I get it.

It's like, oh, gross, I'm sat in a bath of beans.

I understand why that was a thing.

Yeah.

But just someone having a normal bath, eating something.

To be honest, I think Comic Relief would get more people to donate if they said, it is this celebrity having a normal bath.

I think a lot of people would be like, great.

Great.

Because yeah, Gabbel's dick.

My dick.

I don't bath with my dick out of the bath.

Well, you'd be naked with the bath.

I mean, my bath.

But where are you filming it?

You've got seafood water.

Yeah, but I might have bubbles in it and I might be shooting in.

No, you won't have bubbles in it.

I'm not shooting it from.

I'm not getting a drone and shooting it from above.

It's not up to you.

Comment below for filming it.

They don't want to do it.

I'm out.

They know what's going to get people donating money.

If they'd gamble in the bath, it's a drone shot.

There's a stick.

He's naked.

There's his dick.

There's a dick.

But, but, but, but, but, uh, with a poppa dom, a cheesy poppadom over it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, like, like a fig leaf of Adam/slash Eve.

Yeah.

Uh, so you can.

I'm planning on eating it though.

So as I take a bite, am I revealing more and more of my dick?

It's a you pay to stay

situation.

The more you pay, you can see more of your dick from under the pop-a-dom.

Very generous mime there, Phil.

Yeah.

Good.

Good stuff.

All right.

Well, if Common Relief get in contact, I'll speak to them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should speak to them.

I think that's good.

I think you get a lot of people donating when they realize that actually the beans were doing them more harm than good for getting people to chip in.

Or failing that, just do it on OnlyFans.

Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think Comic Relief want to make that sort of leap into OnlyFans content, particularly, do they?

Well, they've got to decide just how much they want to help people.

Like, who cares about dignity at that point?

It's raising the money.

Comment relief to stop worrying about their brand.

Who gives a shit?

The people worth off in the world.

Get Gamble's dick on the tele.

On the telly?

I thought this was online content.

Hold on a minute.

Comic Relief goes all night.

Okay, so I'm on later.

I'm not like...

You're on later.

I'm not like 7 p.m.

Lenny Henry's like, welcome to Comic Relief.

Let's have a look at this guy's thing.

No, no, no.

No, this is a late night one.

This is when, like, you know, one of the more edgy comics has hosted it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then they go to you in the bath.

And bear in mind, Ed, it's under the water.

They're not going to get a good idea of the size because it's like

refraction and all that.

Magnification.

Yeah, but you can never tell with magnification sometimes.

It might do the opposite.

Oh, you reckon?

Yeah, just get my excuses in early.

Yeah, I've got a haunted house dick.

Also, you've got to make sure that you sit, don't like sit too low in the bath so it floats up and is like,

you don't want your boy bobbing up and down

peeking out the surface.

I think I do, like Nessie.

Make it float like Nessie.

But

that requires up and down.

Nessie.

Yeah,

he's really boasting.

If you've got a Nessie.

Yeah, that's incredible.

I was right.

You should get that on bobbit relief.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

It is a bit bit like Nessie in that only very few people have seen it and they're all mad.

The most delicious, now that I've been eating meat for like a year now, the most delicious has to be the lamb at Al Calf in Whitechapel, which is a Somali restaurant.

And it like, it's lamb that falls apart.

It's one of the most delicious things.

There's not much there on the plate other than the meat because the meat speaks for itself.

Cause like it's lamb that's been cooked for ages and it's it's melt in your mouth.

It's absolutely delicious.

but apart from the fact that it is one of the most delicious dishes i've ever had i realized that like it had that ratatouille reminded me of childhood moment right because my grandmother was raised in kazakhstan

and in kazakhstan they make something called bishbarmak another bloody country thrown in wait it's past the most global country

such a global global family its entire family tree is one street in wimwood and like

island actually yeah yeah

whatever man so she used to cook a dish called Gujbarmak, which is like local to Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan.

And it is that like fall apart lamb with some egg noodles in it and some raw onion.

It's the most delicious thing you'll ever like.

It's just meat at its purest form.

We're not talking seasoning.

We're not talking marinade.

It's like, it's the fucking fattiest lamb you've ever eaten in your life.

Wow.

And it's going to blow your mind.

Heaven.

But also, she was...

Sorry, I'll stop talking.

You could interrupt me at any point because I could talk about lambs.

Why are you a guest at our podcast?

When you're talking about food on our food podcast, when you're a guest.

Well, this one goes on a bit.

Quite a lot saying about food, actually, weirdly.

So, my grandmother, who grew up in Kazakhstan, Nina, all of her grandmothering revolves around fear-based things.

So, like, she's like, don't eat too much sweets because your butthole will still stick together.

When I was growing up, I would be terrified to eat too muchy sugary sweets because like the syrupiness of the sweets would stick your butthole together.

Yeah, and you don't want that.

Your grandma would say, but it would would stick your butthole together.

Poppa sleepnice, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then you'd be like terrified because, like, oh, I can't eat it when you want any more chocolate.

Is that like a phrase?

Like a phrase.

I've never heard anyone say it other than horrifying.

Or was she genuinely saying to you,

your butthole will literally stick together if you eat too many sweets?

And as a kid, you'd be horrified.

And it wasn't

an effective tactic.

Wouldn't have worked on me.

No way.

Win-win.

How is that win-win?

I don't think I enjoyed going for dumps that much as a kid.

Yeah, but you must have.

It would be uncomfortable to have your butthole stuck together.

Nah.

Well, then you just get really full, right?

Yeah, where's it all going?

Yeah.

Well, that's

keeping my body for longer.

That's nice.

I like sweets.

Yeah, but you don't like having the sweets in your body, right?

You like the taste of them.

I need to call my grandma.

She'd be able to argue.

She'd have to stick in my butthole together.

What were some of your other grandma's fear tactics?

So one of them had to do with the lamb.

Yeah.

So, okay, so because because it's really, really fatty and really, really hot.

Makes your butthole massive.

If only.

And then

a girl can dream.

So it's like, it's salty, it's fatty, it's really, really hot.

And because it's so salty, you really want to drink cold water because it's really hot.

But then I'm assuming it's kind of true, or she just did it for fun.

She's like, you can't drink anything cold because all the fat will just solidify inside you and you'll die.

Oh my God.

It's very, very body horror all of that.

All of your grandma's stuff was about being constipated in some way, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So then you'd be, you'd be terrible.

So you'd be so thirsty because it would be so salty, but you wouldn't be able to stop eating it because it would be so delicious.

But then you would be so scared to drink anything cold because you didn't want it to solidify inside of you.

And then you die.

And then you die.

So it's like she would give you just like the hottest tea with it, which didn't help the thirst at all.

Yeah, it's a sort of really panicked.

I have a nostalgia for this panicked feeling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's got to be some sort of like jeopardy involved, I guess, with whatever you're eating.

Yes, you're battling the food in a way.

And so when I had that, that lamb at Alcaf, the Somali restaurant, it brought me back.

It brought me back.

Did you have a cold drink with it?

No, I was too scared.

I choose to stay.

I'm too scared.

Still won't do it.

I don't know the science behind it, but I'm scared.

What if it turns into aspic inside of me?

Yeah.

Every time you eat sweets, do you think about the butthole sticking together thing?

Yeah, what if it is?

That stays with you.

Yeah, but it was going to stay with me.

She wasn't even my grandma.

Looking at the sugar content of a thing.

Yeah.

How much has my butthole gun?

No, where's my butthole at at the moment?

My number one starter is the dream plate of nachos.

The most incredibly done nachos that you have ever prepared.

My brother is a professional cook.

And I was back in Chicago for a birthday.

I don't remember how old.

And he said, like, what do you want for dinner?

And I said,

he's a professional cook in Chicago.

Yes.

Is he the bear from the back?

My brother, listen to this.

My brother trained at Michelin restaurants, like did the whole thing in Spain, doing all that shit, comes to Chicago, trains in all these like Michelin-y restaurants, and then opens a sandwich shop.

And so when the bear started, they go to my brother and they're like, would you consult on this show?

And my brother is like, this sounds fucking stupid and no, and turned it down.

And now he's like midway because he,

we pre-talked, our pre-chat was bear related.

I have, my brother brother, and I think a lot of other industry professionals do not die for the bear in the way that some of the rest of us do.

But now he's watching it being like, I can't.

It's such a phenomenon.

And so on the one hand, he like hates it because he doesn't feel it's a realistic representation.

But that is his story and his journey.

So now if you guys are in Chicago, you will have to go there for one of his sandwiches.

Only if he was a consultant on the bear, I would go.

Yeah, I'm at his place.

No, I'm too busy.

I'm going all the places around by people except my brother sandwich truck

i only eat food by people who are consultants

just show up there look for someone who looks a little bit like me but younger and a man and then just say that and then leave

and for listeners james is wearing a t-shirt from the bear i am currently wearing yeah the the original birth of chicago land so this is mad this is mad this is happening it's mad that your brother is the bear but also isn't the bear and hates the bear.

Is your brother a hottie?

Here's whether or not my brother is a hottie.

Are you ready for that?

They can't see him on an as an arm consultant.

No, so my brother was like not attractive.

She's this very round, round boy,

which is great.

Be a little round boy.

Yeah, fine.

Grows up.

Yeah.

And is like something happened.

And he's still a husky boy, husky, husky, but he got attractive.

And there was this sort of window between

him growing and like being on track and like before he had three kids and life gets difficult.

And my friends would be like, your brother is so hot.

Like, why don't I remember?

Your brother's hot.

And I'd be like, okay.

And my parents are obsessed with my brother's hotness.

In our family, I am the natural byproduct of my parents.

Like they're these two people and they're how they are and I'm the child that they would have.

The perfect combination of all of their things.

I would say the shitty combination of all of their things.

But thank you for the compliment.

And then

we won't be able to talk you out of what you've just said, so far enough early on, but whatever.

And then they have this boy, and he is this blonde,

beautiful, perfect creature.

And they

cannot believe that they made this child who's so perfect.

And my, my sister-in-law, Dark, but it will get funny again, I hope.

Her father passed away.

And I went to the, we're a Jewish family, so I went for the Shiva, which is sort of like the wake.

And so that's the environment.

It's a Shiva where people are mourning.

And it was one of the occasions where my sister-in-law was like introducing my brother to all these friends and family for the first time.

And I'm there with my parents and my father kept going, watch people look at your brother for the first time.

Watch people look at your brother.

They can't believe how handsome he is.

They watch the next time she introduces,

they're like obsessed with his beauty.

And he's not, what I always say about my brother's attractiveness is if I say nothing about it to people and then they meet my brother, they're like, your brother's kind of hot.

If I go on about it, now when you guys see him, you'll be like, you really oversold how hot your brother is.

So this has been this thing.

And in my late 20s and his sort of early to mid-20s, I was like, oh, I guess my brother is like a babe.

I spent a summer in Chicago.

So he's always lived in Chicago.

And when I was in the States, I was mostly in New York.

And I was cycling.

It's a great cycling city.

And there are all these like really, like six-way intersection things things or whatever.

And I'm cycling.

I'm like 28.

I'm adorable.

Yes.

I'm pecan.

I'll say it.

You can't say it, but I was a pecan.

I'm like a girl on a bike.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I see across the way,

I see

an adorable man also on a bike.

And he looks at me and I'm like, and I was just like, oh.

That like cute boy is looking at me.

Like, that's so great.

Like, what will come of this?

Because we're going to cycle past each other.

But just, that's a lovely and flattering moment.

Did you piss?

That would happen later.

The light turns green.

We cycle, cycle.

We're looking at each other.

We're fucking looking at each other.

We get close enough.

I'm like, that's my brother.

That would be my brother.

We stop.

I'm like, I thought you were working.

He was like, oh, we never spoke about it.

Like, it wasn't, we were 100% checking each other out.

Yeah,

never spoken about it.

Well, how do you know he was checking you out?

He wasn't just like, oh, there's seven miles.

Because, I'll tell you, first of all, that hurts my feelings.

Second of all, second of all, because of the awkwardness that could feel.

And then years went by, and I like started, I was like, oh, that's like a funny, it's like a funny thing that happened.

And my sister-in-law does not find it amusing.

But I think it was the moment where I was like,

Benito is not pleased.

Did your brother confirm that this was what happened when your sister-in-law

doesn't market?

So I presume.

I've never said to my brother, with whom I like to think I have a close relationship, not sexual, let me add.

that's fine yeah um

yeah I guess I guess if you're living in a world where you have to add it you gotta wonder why yeah do you guys know that incest is like actually very common I've never fucked my brother for real but did you did you legit know that like a lot of people are fucking their sibs or doing shit no

another conversation it is true we we can talk about it another time but a thing is that I think a lot of people are experimenting with family members like maybe it's more cousins I think that's true

I'll find the statistics

how are they even getting those statistics who's admitting to that

let alone these many many that it's common please don't send me those statistics

i'm live tweeting it to you now um i've never said to my brother can you please confirm in 2008 ben has never had to write on his list of things in the podcast incest

he's written written on his notepad he's never had to do that before

bring the heat motherfuckers my brother made me some wonderful nachos

for what I believe was my 36th birthday.

birthday okay he homemade the tortilla chips yeah they were like freshly fried wow he made a mole sauce there it went heavy on the homemade just even the way you're talking about the nachos i can't you want to bang your brother yeah it's so obvious this is not fair

i think he's a great guy yeah yeah yeah yeah

but i don't want to bang yeah

I don't want to bang.

Yeah.

Describe the nachos more.

All right, you guys.

They were like

so tasty in my mouth.

I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to talk about food in a serious way now.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to bring it back.

Well, the nachos sound lovely.

I do sound good nachos.

Whatever.

Yeah.

You know what?

I think if you talk to my parents, they would sound like they want to bang him too.

I think there's this weird fixation in my family with like my brother's excellence.

Yeah.

And the rest of us are like these pieces of shit who just get to wander around and be related to the king.

that is the attitude yes

where's the best place you've had like a mango salad like a really refreshing the barbican bar and grill they have a kale salad it's called a kiss me kale salad oh they've named salad after the show

it's a coincidence i'm plugging right i'm plugging proper right now but they've got this amazing salad with like mango and it's just yeah it's great it's so nice if people did order the kiss me kale salad and and kiss and kiss the kale yeah and kissed the kale

as in they they get the salad and they kiss the kale they pulled it out of the salad and then kissed it yeah or they leant down into the bowl and kissed it while it was still in the bowl while it was still so it's up to them yeah they can either pick up the bowl with both hands and bring it to their mouth and

get off like fully get off with the kale what tongue the kale yeah yeah or they can pick it or they can pick it out of the bowl and then kiss it and then tongue it and then tongue it

yeah yeah like would they be allowed to stay in the barbican do you think or like what's the policy there because Because technically, that's not their fault.

It's called Kiss Me Kale.

Yeah,

I feel like you've got to

express yourself how you want to express yourself.

Yeah.

I don't think you should be punished for that.

So, if you want to tongue the kale, then you absolutely should.

Yeah,

I think it's the kissing, I think, is fine.

I think when you said they get off with it, I think that's maybe the line.

Are they like shutting their eyes as well?

Yeah, yeah, and

unless they're kind of maybe mumbling like

words that hang on,

I love it so much.

Is that what you do while you're kissing someone, James?

Yeah.

I'll go, oh, baby.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, that's cool.

I think it will only upset people who don't really like public displays of affection.

Yeah.

But it's not your business.

If you want to tongue the kale, then

absolutely, you should go and tune the kale, man.

Tell them, tell it, tell it how you feel.

Empress Jin.

That's really good Empress Gin.

Also, Empress Gin with tonic is really good.

I know that's like gin and tonic is whatever, right?

But that gin with the tonic is a really good drink.

Made well, it's a completely new drink.

Yeah.

Gin and tonic.

When someone makes you a proper good one,

you are like, oh, okay, this is totally different to what I've been drinking.

Yeah.

And it is just like spending a bit more.

time.

One gin having like the gin having a bit more flavor to it rather than just like fog standard gin.

Yeah, and this one sort of turns purple when you pour it in there it's it's very uh that also gives it a little effect but for some reason it just complements it well that's crazy it turns purple yeah how does that happen i don't know i'm across the science so i'm sure it's good someone did that and you didn't know it was going to happen and you saw it turn purple did it remind you of thanos and you got angry oh i thought you were going to say new year's eve no no no well you like

you got no i i don't uh he i yeah i I don't think about it as much as you think.

I would if it happened to me.

I would if it happened to me, I'd think about Finnish all the time.

You got snapped.

You were the ones, you got dusted.

I know.

I was fucking furious with that guy.

I know.

Well, it was amazing how well that villain was.

In a way, he actually was, you know, he was having kind of his own midlife crisis and turning on the world.

Yeah, there were levels.

There were levels to that.

What do you think that was like for your character?

Obviously, a lot of characters happened to you, but you're there, you've been in Wakanda fighting, but then you feel a bit, oh, I feel a bit shitty, and then suddenly you're on this massive battle, you're a completely different place.

Do you think at some point you had to like get yourself to Bucky had to get himself together and be like, okay, fuck it, it's a different battle now.

And a load of shit's happening, I'll get caught up on it later.

Or was Bucky like, guys, please catch me up on what's been happening?

Because, like, I can't just go into this fight not knowing.

I've got to know what's going on.

I think the minute he's so used to fighting in enemies that the minute he sees it, it's like, yeah, right back in it.

Sure.

It's uh, but the version you described would have been, I think, more cinematic.

Wait, timeout.

What the fuck is happening

around here?

I just, I wanted to go to the bathroom and I came back.

I'm like, everything's a different world.

Yeah, because do you think they even knew this was like a different Thanos from a different time?

And that Thor's already cut the other guy's head off.

Yeah.

But actually, this is someone else of a different time.

But we still need to, we kind of messed up with the time travel thing.

Or whether it's like we'll catch you up later but the baddies are the same ones as before i feel like you've thought about this more than anyone else on the planet no way man

it's interesting though that movie does spiral down a rabbit hole

you find yourself kind of going and asking different things because once the time thing gets flipped anything is possible you know it's like we can all keep doing what we're doing but then um doctor strange can turn back time like i mean what he you can't with that i mean that's yeah that's why it's very important that he doesn't have that stone anymore.

If he did, every movie would just be like, yeah, there you go.

Yeah, yeah.

One, one twist.

I would like to see like a caper film with him where he's just fucking around with time for a laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He keeps going back in time to the same spot

over and over again.

We had a cartoon here when we were kids called Bernard's Watch.

Are you familiar with Bernard's Watch?

No.

It was good.

Bernard's Watch was good.

Bernard's Watch was good, but everyone had the kind of same problem with it.

But

it was a little kid and he had a watch that could stop time, but he could just walk around then do whatever so every everything would freeze the only British thing that I remember when I was very very little is a very controversial show called Benny Hill

yeah yeah well he should never be in possession of Bernard's watch no because if it was Benny's watch it would be a very different show he causes enough trouble when when time's moving normally right chasing those poor ladies around chases the poor ladies around the trees and stuff with the music it does blow my mind that Benny Hill was such a big export across the Atlantic that that was the thing it's weird yeah I remember just growing up and that seeing that show when I was little and then Beverly Hill is 90210.

Yeah.

Strangely and Baywatch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like they were massive in Europe.

Yeah, the two representations of different cultures, Benny Hill and Baywatch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For Benny and Benny.

I think they've done a crossover episode where Benny's chasing the ladies, but it's all in slow motion.

Yeah.

Or the beginning of the Bay Watch, the Bay Watch titles at the beginning, but with the Benny Hill music in the background and stuff.

Oh, yeah, that'd be good.

Yeah.

Cadbury chocolate.

Cubby chocolate.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's such a thing, isn't it?

It's good stuff.

Well, American chocolate is shit.

You know what?

The oil has come out of it.

I bet you've ever come up to that slowly before.

Okay, well, her cheese is the worst thing I've ever tasted.

No, no, no.

You can't compare those.

But Tony's chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is this new?

It's fairly new, right?

Yeah, from Holland.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Also, they, because all of the, they're not like solid standard chunks in the bar, you end up breaking off a bit to be like, I'll just have a bit, but it comes off at a weird angle and then you break off another bit.

And you always

there's half.

It's just gone.

You did it.

Do you remember Kindereggs?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those are great.

I remember when you crack that thing open, the little astronaut would come out.

Yeah.

Or it'd be like a stupid one.

You'd be like, no, I got to get another one.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There was a period of time where it was always a little like China Terra pin.

Like playing the pan pipes or like with a surfboard.

There's other different terror pins.

That was when I got into Kindereggs.

That was your favourite era of Kinder Eggs.

I wanted to get all the terror pins that you got in the Kindereggs.

I got a few of them.

It was a great, brilliant idea, whoever invented the Kindereggs.

Yeah.

The toys came in phases like Marvel, didn't they?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, now if they were still, I mean, I think they still do Kinder Surprises, but they're not as popular that Marvel would consider doing a crossover with them.

Right, yeah.

That would be like the pinnacle of your career, right?

If someone said, we're going to do you and a Kinderegg for any film you've been in.

Yeah, that would be like, I made it.

Yeah.

I guess it would be a bit more.

It would probably be Marvel.

I don't think it'd be the cannibal in the kindergarten.

Or you as Tommy Lee.

It just ends up being a mistake.

I mean, someone just does one randomly.

I'd buy the Tommy Lee Kinder egg.

Yeah.

100%.

As bastard as Tommy Lee in the kindergarten.

Yeah.

I mean, what would that even look like?

It depends what

part of the story one drumstick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd recognize him on Naked Attraction straight away, Tommy Lee.

Yeah, yeah.

Tommy Lee on Naked Attraction, surely.

It would come up.

For everyone else, it's just the feet, but Tommy.

Yeah.

right

dream dessert it is

there's a pub near where my mum lived in reading uh it's out in the countryside it's a country pub sticky toppy pud

it's got dates in uh it's got that almost like tangy metallicy taste that you get from the drizzly stuff yeah and there's there's cocky for days

sorry so where's cocky for there's cookie custard

Of course.

I don't think cocky

is an acceptable shortening of the word custard.

I thought you'd been given diarrhea by the.

But I thought you'd eat the sticky toppy pud and you have got diarrhea for the rest of the week.

Cucky.

Cucky for days.

Just so that I've got cookies.

It's so delicious, but you get cocky for days.

Yeah, I'm going to get some cocky on there with the.

I don't usually give life advice to the guests.

You've got to stop calling it that outside of this podcast.

I mean, in it is fine.

We know what it means now, but

do you regularly call it cool custard cocky?

I do.

I do.

Do you?

And does anyone else join in?

Do you know who else calls it that?

Who?

Curly from Oakland.

Of course, he does.

Curly love cocky.

Curly love cocky, sure, but like.

I mean, also, just on its own, cocky can mean something else.

People call each other cucks all the time now and stuff.

Yeah, I mean, that's like a Shakespearean word.

That's not even, yeah, yeah.

So, if you're just like, if you say to the waiter, well, they know, they know what they're serving it, they know.

Hold on a minute, whose dream restaurant is this?

Okay, so hang on,

they know the lingo.

So, if you say to them, if you point the sticky toppy poet, you go, cuck me.

Yeah,

they're not going to serve me Ed's diarrhea, they're going to know exactly what it is.

Yeah, it's creamy, yeah,

it's sweet, yeah, it's, I guess, eggy because of egg custard, Yeah.

And it's just right.

Hot or cold?

Hot.

Hot cocky.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Hot cocky, man.

How has this never

thought it was weird until now?

I don't know.

It's weird.

I know, but it's, it's, you know, I'm, it's, it's who I am, it's my cross, and I shall bear it.

Have you said hot cocky goldsteam before?

I don't think he's

a good one.

I think hot is probably the highest profile outing that Cucky's had.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For me so far.

Also, you're not going to be anywhere with Brett where Cucky's on the menu, are you?

No.

To be honest, you could convince him that it's called that.

He's never seen it before.

There's cocky.

Okay, thank you.

Yeah.

I'm going to try cocky another time.

They tell people that I've had cocky with Phil Duster.

This is called cocky.

No, it's not, Brett.

That's custard.

You can have it hot or cold, cocky.

Phil likes hot cocky.

I mean, it does sound like a delicious dessert however much you have tried to make it sound absolutely disgusting

i've never seen someone do so much legwork to make an objectively delicious dessert sound gross you can have it on the side when you're at my drink you can have the cocky on your on the side you can have your hot cocky on the side yeah yeah don't need to put your cocky all over your lovely sticky toppy pud yeah yeah i'll have your cocky get i'll say what

i'll have you know are you gonna have it james you have any cocky no i'm not i'm not having if you want to drizzle it all over your pud, get your cocky on your pud.

No, no, I was going to leave it.

I'm going to leave.

I'm not going to have my cocky.

Do you mind if I have your cocky?

Yeah, if you want to hop my cocky, you can.

I'm going to spoon your cocky.

Yeah.

Ed is that cocky.

So, it's so turned on.

Get your hands off my cocky, Shel.

But you're having it all over your pud.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not ashamed.

Most likely, like, one of those sticky toffee puds that's like, out of a you know, plastic cup with the film lid?

Or do you think it was made on premises?

i think it was made on that's it was one of those where i think it was probably in a tray it was but it was made in a in a big yeah silver tray it was a proper legit one good um and the cocky had like

had like the spanilla pods in there yeah put vanilla pods in there again i mean absolute like legit nice custard should not be called cocky

such a disrespectful term it's delicious it was delicious cocky and

is this a family thing does your whole family call it cocky i think it is yeah yeah Yeah.

So the dunsters all say cocky.

Pam's not going to bat an eyelid when Cucky comes up at the dream.

Ellie's used to it by now?

Ellie, I think probably still shirks it slightly.

Yeah.

Dad,

he's got a snorkel and he's like...

He's not face down to some cocky with a snorkel sticking up, is he?

His bird face straight into cocky.

Snorkel.

I love cocky.

I mean, yeah, the man loves cocky as well.

Yeah, I guess we're a cocky family.

Do you know what?

Here's what I'm hoping.

One day you'll be out having some delicious food

and wait.

What were you having desserts?

I'll have the chocolate cake.

You have chocolate cake, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd order chocolate cakes.

Yeah.

Did you want any cocky with that?

Hang on, so you're hoping that...

Is there someone in the service industry

and then it's going to disseminate across all

restaurants

so are you hoping that it becomes so commonplace that one day it you know it will happen to us or are you hoping that a what because what's happened to both of us many times is someone who works in the service industry has heard this podcast remembers something like that that we've long since forgotten not that we will ever forget this conversation phil and then we're at a restaurant and they the waiter or waitress will do an in-joke to us like that

and we won't know what they're talking about.

Is that what you mean?

Because I hope that never happens.

I hope if anyone's listening, if you come up to me in the restaurant and say, would you like cocky with that?

I'm leaving your restaurant.

I will say that this will not be one of the things I forget.

I hope

every time I see custard, I'm going to go, oh, cocky.

That's custard.

And I'll feel a bit sad.

It's cocky.

I can't have ruined delicious cocky for you, surely.

Well, it's custard.

And yes.

I mean, yeah, it's not getting any better each time you say it.

I tell you what, what is not just chicken that Brett has had with me is one of the cocky tarts in Ando's.

Oh yeah.

A pastel donata.

Yeah yeah yeah.

And they as the Portuguese insist on calling them pastel donata.

They call it pucky danucky.

Everyone knows that.

Andy Zaltzmann was one of our Christmas special episodes this year and made up some bullshit courses.

Hold on a second.

We've only just recorded that episode.

That's mad.

I thought this had been on the table the whole time.

We've been Darren Brown.

Pedito predicted what Zaltzmann would come out with.

Let's hear some of Andy's fake menu.

I mean, in other wonderful main courses I've had over the years in the

few of the restaurants of the American celebrity, celebrity chef Scluton Malvain.

And

in one of his restaurants had a...

His signature thrice slapshotted puck of ruthlessly executed guiltless cow served on a sesame-besieged matrice of yeast-inflated and heat-metamorphed wheat-influenced dadot, besourced with a deconstructed and reconstructed ketchupine rouge of tomato squiger, comfortingly blanketed, with a rectangulant of time-rightened, coagulated udder-origin lactotum of maternal bovioid, or to give it its nickname, a cheeseburger.

See, this is the this is what I thought would happen every course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Andy's going to have written a bunch of stuff that doesn't exist, and we're going to have to engage.

No, that exists.

It It does exist.

It's a cheeseburger.

It's a cheeseburger, yeah.

I don't know if you've been to any of Malvane's restaurants.

His emoto bistro, where each dish is intended to provoke an emotion as well as a flavour.

Right.

It's fantastic.

Wow, absolutely.

Signature dishes include a hollow-eyed haddock, pessimistically served on a resigned bed of fated complete seaweed.

Gunpoint served ransom of lamb's liver, frightened into a terra terrine, presented with a harrowed memory of spirit-broken split peas.

and giggly hen sausages aroused in a pseudo-erotic ketchup of seriously buff-stripped tomatoes.

I mean, they all sound quite nice.

It was like you hit your threshold of saying stuff that was real and then you were like, I've got it.

Hang on, let me just do this before we carry on.

I've done nearly nearly half an hour.

Yeah, it's amazing.

It's interesting because your two main passions are stats, which couldn't be more real.

Yeah.

And absolute bullshit.

Absolute nonsense.

I mean, in terms of octopus, Scluton Malvain does some wonderful octopus.

Here we go.

I thought I sensed Andy had zoned out in that bit.

He was reading this document.

He's defeated this document.

He was teeing something up.

His protester on the first protest-themed restaurant in the world where waiters take your orders by chanting through a megaphone, what do you want?

And then you announce what you want.

And then they say, When do you want it?

And you say, Now, and then they go,

But it's amazing starters.

It was a crusade of crudite of rioting riots of

real grouse,

placards of Icelandic elk ham, vitrioled with squid ink slogans and brandished on a Soviet-influenced sausage stick.

And the main courses, I mean,

the octopus dish, which is a pastry-fenced occupaciance of octopus, riot-policed with carrot batons and swayed by propagando of lefty lettuce.

Hard to look beyond that.

So, I mean, the beasts from around the world served overdone or under-reported, they were pretty good.

And force-fed opinions of sheep drivelled in an evangelified sauce de resentment, re-drivelled in a half-baked tomato motto that was that was also excellent cannot believe kettle chips isn't in the

absolutely waiting for kettle chips yeah yeah yeah plum grumble was excellent yeah that was excellent yeah

and the uh furious banana banners with an absolute fool that was uh that was also good

good got that off your chest yep yep

anything you want to say before we go andy yeah any more bullshit on the laptop for us yeah yeah I don't want you to have written a whole

dish out and we don't get to hear it.

I think that's

I think we've uh yeah, I think we've we've covered it, I think.

Um, oh, there was well, there's um, Malvane's got a new inset restaurant.

Oh, fantastic.

Um, the uh oh, and he's got a uh new restaurant in Paris, which is an all-you-can-eat shellfish seducto brasserie called Moulet-Vu Buffet Ave Mois as well.

Um,

he's uh

got a couple of Christmas recipes he's just put out on social media.

One is a regretful wood pigeon hand-haunted in a memory of asparaguate wrongdoings, bondage to a bed of covertly assassinated scallops and hard-punched potato faces.

Or you can go with a high-speed car crash tenderized paragon of overbearingly mothered beef groin with a splenetic reduxio, gruffly man-handled chanterelle mushroom willies and a pert bouncer of cabbage tits.

But he's got a new insect.

Obviously, insects are going to be the future of food.

And his latest

insects menu is a trio of breast of ladybird, filet de wasp, and tarantula web-snaffled moth sweetbreads, heartened by a sauce squig leash of fear-motivated larvae.

Then you've got an oozeboosh of a

ready-to-pop cocoon of caterpillar flouncing into a

mouth-flutter of freshly buttered butterfly.

And then a magateen of swat-orphaned fly infants confronted by an encroachment of filth-fed cockroaches, counter-intuited on a tally-atelly of hand-splatted worms.

Beautiful.

Well, that's the future of food, people.

But Andy brought an extra guest with him.

His stomach.

How did you know that was going to happen?

How did you know that was going to happen, Belita?

Here's a montage of his stomach.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what it says.

Oh, yeah.

Someone's written this in a rush in between the records.

Yes.

He's a montage of his tummy rumbles.

Andy Saltzman is a montage of his tummy rumbles.

I think of Papno, though I do like a.

I mean,

the Indian breads, Asian breads,

give you a lot of options.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that tummy banana as well.

Yeah.

If you want, you could set your dream meal in an Indian restaurant and you could cheat the system that way, get cobbled ups and bread.

Yeah.

But of course, the rest of the menu might not be.

It might be.

I mean, let's...

And

the stomach rubber stumbling rubbery rumbled.

Mine started as well.

It was the most cartoon stomach rumble that we've had had on the podcast.

We've had quite a few stomach rumbles on the podcast.

We've done it both.

All the time I did one earth.

Benito's never does because he's a goddamn robot from space.

So he doesn't have any emotions, even hunger.

But Andy's went,

he sounded more like a turkey than you did.

Yes,

it was a perfect turkey impression.

I wish I'd done it earlier.

Any Indian cricketer from history?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, well, I might go with Vinu Mankad, who played for India after the Second World War.

I don't know why James has asked this question.

Because he's not going to know who the person is.

No, no, no.

Huh?

You're not going to know who they are?

Yeah.

He was a very good, very good player, spinning all-rounder.

And I'll probably choose him because he's been dead for quite a long time, so I'll get more food.

Yeah.

Andy's stomach's gone again.

I love the stomach.

I love how adorable Andy's stomach is.

Whenever I do a podcast, I bring thematic corporeal noises.

That's what the laptop's really for.

He's secretly pressing the space bar every now and again and setting off the stomach rumble sound effect.

They'll love this.

They'll love it.

Are you going cone or cup?

Cup.

Cup.

Yeah.

Good.

You've passed.

You've passed the test.

I mean, you know, you don't get cones in cricket.

They all wear a cup.

Loves it.

God, how

your stomach is.

I'm really struggling.

Well, you say you're struggling.

I'm loving it every time.

It's absolutely phenomenal.

It was from the moment we started.

It's not stopped.

It's going crazy, Andy.

It's going absolutely crazy on you.

Is it a picked-up on Mike, Benito?

Surely it's picked up on Microsoft.

That first one has to be picked up on Mike.

The first one was louder than Andy Speaks.

That frequency,

it was a very high-pitched frequency glitch through all of us.

But that last one just then must do as well.

It was quite a...

Well, it's basically literally my internal monologue.

Yeah.

Throughout all of this.

How many flavours per cup?

Because sometimes I get excited and I'm like three scoops in a cup and then they all mix up and you're losing the purity of it.

Two is optimal.

You can always go back and

get

a bonus.

Yeah.

If you've done well on the first two.

Yeah.

I find it hard not to go three because I love ice cream so much and I always

go, I should have just gone two.

Like I always go, now remember next time, just go for two because you know that's enough and it's nice and they compliment each other.

And three is just always too much ice cream and they're not going to compliment each other as much because now you've got going different ways one of one of the best ice creams i've had was a vanilla ice cream at a restaurant in london i can't remember possibly andrew edmonds

and it just had uh pedro jimene sherry poured on the top and simple but divine

i love it i absolutely love stuff like that yeah with the with with the sherry poured on top it's proper yeah yeah yeah vanilla ice cream with booze on it yeah you know whiskey as well with like with that kind of ice cream oh it's great but and i don't know if this counts as dessert, but like a cheese trolley.

Either or.

Now, listen, here we go.

This is the controversial point here, Andy.

We have,

and as fair,

you know, sorry, someone's just wheeled the trolley.

I'm not even hungry.

That was the sound of the

sound of the trolley wheels on the floor rolling along.

And he's voting property.

This has never happened to me before.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guests.

It's great having two guests on.

on um

the tummy

um so listen for this transparency yeah there's guests on the podcast before who decided that they want a cheese board instead of a dessert yeah i've gone absolutely ape shit at them uh it makes me furious ed and i

have both on our dream menus chose a traditional sweet dessert and a cheese board and had them you know one after the other in whatever order and we've had other guests do that and we know you've got history with that after your christmas christmas and i like

i i like that because i do like doing that myself i like the cheese course as either a bridge from the main course to the dessert or afterwards by the fire with your friends just like taking your time with with a cheese board that's fine if you have it in place of the ice cream especially because it sounds delicious your stomach is going to be making way worse noises

than what it's currently making i'm going to i think this is

christmas episodes it'll be a shame to not give you the ice cream and the cheeseboard good

yeah So, I mean, a good cheese board is one of.

I'll just twist it.

The stomach.

Sorry about this.

Stomach.

The stomach's run out of battery.

Anyway.

I'm the stomach.

Really tired.

Sorry.

Your stomach's on vibrate and your phone's on loud.

But of course, there was one section this year that really got the listeners going.

Oh, dear.

Let's hear some fan fiction from Hugh Davies.

Oh, no.

Turn it off.

Turn off the episode.

Don't listen to this.

You do a very grimy podcast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I will say, yeah, this is actually quite odd being here, quite surreal, because it was only recently that we...

So I do a podcast called Slime Country.

I do it with Sunil Patel and Ed Knight.

And we recently, every time we read out like a fan fiction that someone's written, it just so happened that week that we found one, an off-menu one, and we had to read it out on the podcast.

And I have to say, it's very, very very difficult to to listen to slash read out yeah very hard a lot it very weird because they get weird because there's always ninja turtles and that kind of thing yeah but the ones where you know the people in which is a few we had one with uncle roger last week with gordon ramsay and like gordon ramsay was it was translated from chinese gordon ramsay was

he was called lao bao for some reason

and um i think uncle roger was I think it was called Little Trout or something.

It was quite odd.

Anyway, your one was very strange.

What happened in our one?

So you're...

By the way,

before Hughes read this out on his podcast, he did message me to check.

Yeah.

To give my consent.

And I gave yours.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, no one asked me about this.

Yeah, no, yeah.

I knew that you'd said no.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it doesn't, as you'll find out, it doesn't hold you in great esteem.

Oh, what?

So I can't remember precisely, but I got the main points of it.

It starts off, James lets himself into your flat with a spare key.

Okay.

You're watching some shit on television.

They make sure that they say that.

You're watching some shit on television.

You crawl into Ed's lap and break down into tears immediately.

You put myself in to do this so far.

Bang on.

Yeah.

And then you're sort of.

I've

that's what people think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what the fantasy is.

That's like, because it's an exaggerated version of like, so they think that you come in.

You're cried about how bad your day is.

The section where you're talking about your bad day goes on for so long.

It's so long where you're talking about all the things you're having to you, I think you're like having problems with like your agent or something like that.

And it's just comforting you stroking your hair.

And then you act to me now.

You're like weeping.

You're like crying all the way through this and it's just stroking your hair.

And then you beg him to tie you up.

You like you are begging him I can't believe this someone

It's too hard to read.

Yeah, it was too became difficult

people have written because people write these these fan fictions It's always quite funny because you're you don't really it's because if it's a if it's like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it's like a but when it's real people that you you know, yes it becomes quite sinister that they would you know there's people like in a setting in which they might come to see you live and the first instance is go like i'm gonna write like a like a 16 chapter story about how while crying ed ed as as as a go-on james whilst he's tied to a bed i'm still crying for the whole thing yeah you're crying for the whole thing

man yeah

but this is like also the way that it's written it's like this is just normal because you've just let yourself in yeah and like as like oh here we go again again yeah i have to tie him up and

it's like he's crying so much about his bad day i wouldn't recommend you listen to it because it's like no it's hard it's hard to listen to it all but i mean i'm hearing about it now and it's disturbing

can't believe i'm just being tainted that's how that's all the fans see me yeah

have you not ever read a fan fiction of yourself before no there's loads man that was only one of them we were gonna do a whole um we're gonna do a whole month of it because we like james a cast a month yeah

crying in all of them.

We're crying in every single one of them.

It doesn't sound good.

Oh, God.

Honestly, we don't often stop.

We have to stop.

We've never stopped.

We had to stop.

It was too busy.

Yeah, we couldn't get to the point where you were starting to go.

And you do go for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I imagine.

It's got to happen at some point.

Yeah.

Holy smokes.

Sorry about that.

I can't believe it.

I crawl in the room.

Is that the bit that upset you the most?

All of it is just demeaning.

Like, I can't believe I'm...

I'm locked myself in for it.

I'm wearing myself in with a spare key.

You haven't even got up to see who it is who's watching TV.

The fact that you're not even like, oh, who's coming in?

Oh, hi, Jim.

You're just sitting there watching TV.

And after crawling, crying.

And then I'm on your lap crying about my bad day.

And then I beg you to tie me up.

Yes.

It's not even your idea.

Yes.

There's a lot of nuzzling.

I remember Sunil specifically being like, why is there so much nuzzling?

Fucking hell.

That is like, that is a sums sums up.

Every weirdo who's ever seen me is that they would get turned on by the thought of me nuzzling.

That's absolutely doesn't.

Oh no.

God.

Thanks to whoever wrote that.

And then what?

Am I tied to a bed?

Yeah.

So I said, thanks to whoever wrote that.

Benito put his hand to the produce.

Wouldn't be surprised.

By the way, if you're not listening again,

the sound guy is David Dimbleby.

Won't let him retire.

I can't bother you.

I absolutely love that.

Yeah, of course you do.

Yeah.

Because I'm a big strong boy.

Yeah.

Big strong boy watching TV.

Doesn't have any feelings.

I said you were watching garbage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the worst you've come off.

Yeah.

It's when you relax,

you watch garbage.

I like it.

You come off worse, I will say that.

Yeah,

I've got all sorts of problems.

I love that.

I think that, yeah, you...

Are they writing this because they find it arousing?

Or are they writing it?

The comments below will also be like, great, like it'd be a great story

because they find it sexy yeah people read it and wank off to it i reckon geez man

geez

james uh i know you've not enjoyed talking about this

so later on when you let yourself in

i'm crying about what you said

when you crawl into his lap yeah Make sure you don't get tears all over the TV remote.

That's why he uses that to watch his garbage television.

Garbage television.

I don't have time for much and that's something tonight, so we're just going to get straight to the tying up and fucking, all right?

Yeah.

No, that's not for me, I guess.

Crikey Moses.

Does he say that?

Yeah, that would be an action.

I made a note of that.

Right.

And then he says, at the point of climax, he shouts, Crikey Moses.

But there will be another one.

Because there's so many.

There will be another one of this.

So many.

Of this.

People, just look it up.

no i'm not looking at no way it's a dark hole you'll never get out of yeah look it up it's about what you're complaining about actually during the dark hole you can't get out of yeah yeah

bad day man you had a bad day yeah

bunch of creeps man

that's that's that is messed up it's scary is a scary world isn't it that is scary that that's in someone's head yeah isn't it scary that some you can be so good at stand-up that people will write that about you and you have then you're forced to confront it in your own podcast.

Well, it's scary that if you even

do have some sort of platform and you're talking about your emotions for a second they're like i need cry so much

it just becomes this big thing it's hot it's a fucking cry yeah go on keep crying cries all the time his nuzzling is crying

for it nuzzling so funny also i think you're like this they kept referring they don't they refer to ed as ed

oh no oh no they refer to james as the boy

we read the full thing if you check out the this is this is the biggest most disturbing thing,

this is the biggest plug for the podcast I could do, but you've got to...

Up until now,

the most disturbing thing on this podcast was when Ed said he has a spaghetti plane with the dollar pop top.

But

this is absolutely...

This is why...

Do you know what?

Far too many.

I hope some comedians are listening to this.

I hope there's some comedians who are my friends who in the past have said to me, you should really be more open with your fans, man, and talk to them.

And you could like, you know, suppose they come up to you

and they want stuff from you,

and you're like, oh no, I'm kind of in a rush or whatever.

And that really upsets them.

You should really give them the time of day.

Fuck that.

If that's what, if this is what they're doing,

I don't want to meet a single one of these fucking creeps.

Forget it.

Just the boy.

Yeah.

The boy.

The boy doesn't.

If this is a hat, what's going on in their heads?

Wouldn't be annoyed if you wasn't crying in the story.

Yeah.

If I wasn't crying in the story,

what is it?

Number of things, not just a cry.

If I wasn't the boy.

wasn't being called a boy, if I wasn't crying, if I wasn't begging to be tied up, because you apparently don't want to do it, if I wasn't like

complaining about my dad, I see it as more like, oh, fucking hell.

I didn't crawl into the room on all fours.

That's funny, man.

I'm already this subservient, like, lower than you.

I don't like that.

Crawling into the lap, a bit like, you know, where the cat sets herself up on a bed.

They're changing.

Like, I'll be fine.

Do you know what?

If that is how I did things, I'd be fine with it.

Yeah.

But I'm just not.

Anyone who does like doing that, who wants to be the subservient of that, fair play to you.

I'm not judging you, but that's not how I like to do it.

Are people putting it on me?

Everything.

I've ever seen you come into you've walked in.

Thank you.

I'll say that.

I've got your back.

We've never nuzzled.

Never nuzzled.

Yeah.

Wouldn't rule it out.

Wouldn't rule nuzzling out.

That's the one thing that didn't annoy me as much.

I mean,

that says more about them.

Yeah.

So dessert then, is it?

I guess we're in a dream drink, but Dream drink.

Oh, my God.

I forgot how awful that was.

I spoke to Hugh Davies at the Plosive Christmas party.

And he was saying he'd seen your special and very much enjoyed it.

But he was worried when you start talking about having the boy with you on stage.

Oh, believe you me, on the tour after Hugh's episode went out, there was a few people who heckled, oh, well, we know who the boy is.

And the first time that that happened, I did not know what they were talking about because I do not listen back to this podcast.

And it's been a very long time since we've recorded that visit, surely.

It's been so long since we've recorded Fuji's episode.

I didn't even know that that was the episode that had been out.

So when they said we know who the boy is, I was like, what are you talking about?

And then they had to remind me.

I was like, well, that's ruined the whole show.

Well, that's it for another year.

As ever, we wrap up the best of our annual Pop-a-Doms or Bread compilation.

Is this really the end of the best of, though?

Maybe we'll release something else on monday merry christmas merry christmas pop lobs or bread pop dumps or bread daddy dyer pop dumps or bread well it's an odd one that because uh because you never go in a restaurant you you don't get offered that because obviously with some nutty gaff yeah uh because i'm getting the option i'm going to go pop a dumbs

pop dumps or bread pop lobs or bread peter capaldi pop a dumbs or bread Oh god, that's hard.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Noel Felden.

Pop dumps or bread.

Oh my god, pop logs or bread.

Bread.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Nathan Cassidy.

Pop lobs or bread.

Sorry, I'll cut you off there.

I didn't expect to.

No, that's all right.

Well, that's the pop-lums or bread, but isn't it?

You gotta cut people off.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Andy Saltzman.

Pop loves or bread.

What bread?

What are the bread options?

Absolutely.

Bite you on the ass.

Pop lobs or bread, McCassidy.

Pop loves or bread.

Oh my god, I still can't get used to that.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Phil Dunster.

Pop lobs or bread.

Bread.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop logs or bread, Elopurdo.

Pop loves or bread.

Bread, please.

Bread, please.

Pop dumbs or bread.

Pop dumps or bread, Carrie Brown steam.

Pop dumps or bread.

Bread.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop dumps or bread.

Well, I'll spread.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Pop a dumb.

I love pop-doms.

Oh, yeah.

Pop-dums or bread.

Pop-dums or bread, Darren Brown.

Pop-dums or bread.

Please, Jesus.

Um, the bread.

Pop-a-dumps or bread.

Pop-doms or bread, Joe Hannis, vada-bay bear.

Oh, vada bay.

Actually, call you vadabre.

Vaderbe?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I say bear on stuff.

Pop loves or bread!

Pop logs or bread, Finn Wolf hunter.

Pop lobs or bread.

I don't even know what the first one is.

Yeah, yeah.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop logs or bread.

Good thing is I've heard this podcast enough to know that that's not a you know, that's not directed to me because of the colour of my skin.

Pop loves or bread, Karen Gakani.

Pop logs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop-looms or bread, Hammer Dana Bouchon.

Pop logs or bread.

Bread.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Hughes Gavies.

Pop lobs or bread.

Bread.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, C-Mats.

Pop-lumps or bread.

Bread.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop-lumps or bread, Jaden Pickett Smith.

Pop lobs or bread.

Publubs?

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Josh William.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop dumps.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Sasha Monica Jackson.

Poplums or bread.

I'm gonna go for pop-doms.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Sarah Bamman.

Poplums or bread.

Okay, I had a last-minute shift on this one.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, Joe Lobby.

Poplums or bread.

Oh, bread.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Sophie Wallen.

Pop loves or bread.

Bread.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Stuart Lord.

Pop loves or bread.

Bread.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread, can you wits?

Pop loves or bread.

Um, can't have popped a dumbs don't have a gallbladder.

Next question.

Up to you.

Poplubs or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Ray Winston.

Pop loves or bread.

Ooh,

depending on the bread and where you are.

In Italy, the bread's very good.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Michelle DeSwart.

Pop loves or bread.

Um,

I think I'll go for a

pop-a-dom.

Pop-doms or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, the bailiff machine, poplums or bread, bread, pop-a-domsome bread.

Oh, smoke!

Pop a lob bread!

Pop-dum!

Pop-dumb!

Pop-dubs or bread!

Pop-lums or bread, killer mic!

Pop-a-doms or bread!

None of that for me to start.

Pop-doms or bread!

Pop-lums or bread, Ogle-Conk, pop-lums or bread!

Pop a dumbs.

Pop-doms or bread!

Pop-a-doms or bread.

Oh, that's a really tough question.

Pop-lums or bread.

Pop-lums or bread, Reese Nicholson.

Pop lobs or bread.

I mean, every time it went a bit quiet, I was like,

Poplums or bread!

Pop loves or bread, Jason Manzucas, pop dumbs or bread.

I'll be honest, James, it's gotta be bread because what is the first thing you're saying?

Pop a dumbs.

Poplums or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Ragidia.

Pop loves or bread.

Uh, it's definitely bread.

I hate poppa dumbs.

They're grim.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, Robert Popper.

Pop lobs or bread.

Okay, I uh poppa dumbs for Italian?

Bread for curry.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Hella skeleton.

Pop dumps or bread.

poppa dumps,

nice,

problems or bread

poplums or bread, pop loves or bread, Sebastian Stan, pop lobs or bread, none.

Pop loves or bread, pop loves or bread.

I mean that problems or bread.

Wow.

I might let me jump.

Yeah, it is terrifying.

I haven't made anyone jump in ages.

Pop loves or bread, pop loves or bread, you mean problems or bread.

That genuinely scared me then.

Poplums are bad.

Pop loves off bed, Alice, James.

Pop loves up bread.

Poplums are bread.

Pop loves on bed, Matt Baton.

Pop loves on bread.

Bread.

Pop logs on bed.

Poplars are bed, Suzanne crazy.

Pop logs off bed.

Yeah.

For God's sake.

I thought I was going to be so ready for that.

Jesus, you're good!

Pop logs or bed!

Poplars on bed, Johnny Robbins!

Poplums on bed!

Well

really scared you there, didn't he?

Yeah, really, really, really scared.

Never seen him scared before.

Pop-lums or bed!

Pop logs of bed, Sam Campbell!

Poplums off bed!

Pop logs off bed!

Pop loves your bed again, sterling!

Pop logs off bed!

Pop logs off bed!

Pop logs off bed, thank you, boy.

Pop logs off or bread.

He just mentioned it, so I couldn't shock him.

Yeah, but he was about to take a drink, so I thought it's now or never.

Maybe you'll be able to scare Frankie Boyle.

I don't see why I have to choose, but as I have to choose, obviously it's bread.

Problems or bread, problems or bed, it millies a motorbird.

Problems or bread.

So, um,

poplums or bread, problems or bread, Lucy Byman, problems or bread.

Oh my god, you're scared!

Yeah,

that's probably one of the most I've ever been scared in my life.

Okay, I'm just gonna drink some water from this.

Problems or bread, problems or bed, Jessica Navy, problems or bread.

Problems or bed, problems or bed, Mike Wasn't problems or bread.

Popled on, please.

Okay, I've got a bad.

Pogums or bread!

Problems or bed, Joey Wilkinson.

Problems or bread.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ!

Pop-doms or bed!

Pop logs on bed, Tommy Taylor, pop logs on bread!

Pop logs or bread!

Pop logs or bed, Art of Lohan, pop logs on bread!

Oh, um,

yeah,

I'm gonna go pop a dumbs.

Pop-lovels or bread!

Pop logs or bed, Jessica Hines!

Pop dumbs or bread!

Understand what you just said.

Pop logs or bed, Jessica.

This is what I heard, James at Acaster.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Okay, so you need to slow down.

You need to quieten down.

You need to say it again in a calm inside voice, please.

Thank you for doing this.

Finally, someone's done this.

Could you please say it in a calm inside voice and then I will respond?

We're having a lovely discussion about creamy hole and you've shouted over the top.

I heard or bread.

What I did not hear was that

at the beginning.

Okay, so start again.

Take a breath and start again, please.

Would you like pop-a-doms or bread?

Okay, now

we're talking pop-a-doms.

It's a nice challenge.

Pop-a-doms.

Always pop-a-doms.

Thank you.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.