Ep 269: Robert Popper

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the minced beef of conversation, putting it in the bowl of the internet, and eating it like a huge bowl of meat cereal.

Well, that's it.

Yeah, simple.

Eating minced beef out of a bowl.

Carnivore diet.

That is it, Gamble.

My name is James Acaster.

Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever, start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Robert Popper.

Robert Popper, one of the UK's finest comedy minds, James.

Yes, I'd say I first became a fan of Roberts when I watched Look Around You.

Yeah, what a show.

As a scamp, and then got into the time waster letters, his brilliant books.

And of course, a lot of people know Friday Night Dinner and will be huge fans of Friday Night Ran for a very long time.

Rare in this biz.

Very rare, but Robert is, well, he's, I'm going to say it, national treas in terms of the stuff he's produced, James.

Yeah, he is absolutely national trez.

He will have trej?

Tres, I said.

National Trez.

That's like Tres Leches.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Puddings aren't far from the brain, are they?

Always in there.

Also, Robert's got a new book now.

The El C Drake Letters aged 104.

That's in brackets, aged 104.

Elsie Drake is age 104.

Elsie Drake is an alter ego of Roberts.

He's written loads of real letters to real people

and absolutely wasted their time in a hilarious way.

Some of these is absolutely mad

what he's had people do and what people have been patient enough to converse with Elsie Drake about.

It's so funny.

If you've not read the time waster letters as well, you should absolutely read these.

This, I think, is taking it to the ultimate.

It's so good.

You will laugh throughout.

And also, I really hope Robert talks to us about some of the stories behind these letters because

I had a brief chat with him about what it was like writing these.

And he got himself in quite the pickle on more than one occasion.

Fantastic.

Well, hopefully, he'll tell us about all the pickles, and maybe he'll pick pickles.

But you've not given him a quote for the book, James.

You do seem to like it.

He didn't ask me for a quote.

I'm quite gutted to see that Greg Davis, Ashley B, formerly Cooper, Matt Lucas, Simon Pegg, Katie Wicks, Richard Iowadi, all of those people were asked for quotes.

And they've all been on an off menu apart from Simon Pegg.

Yes.

God, this is a good podcast, isn't it?

What a good podcast.

But I wasn't asked.

Unfortunately, if Robert Popper picks

a

What?

What has happened to you?

What has happened to your voice?

Benito knows what I wanted to do.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, you can do that after.

Yes, definitely.

You should do that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If Robert Popper picks a pot of pickled peppers.

Yes.

That should be the secret ingredient.

Yeah, yeah.

So that should be it.

We were going to say jalapeno poppers because of the surname.

But actually, we should say if Robert Popper picks a pot of pickled peppers yeah then he's out

he's out of the dream restaurant oh no it's the best one we've ever done it's the best one we've ever done but hopefully Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pepper

hopefully

it's funny Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pickled peppers

or he's out of the dream restaurant well let's find out if Robert Popper will pick a pot of pickled peppers

He might do it.

He might do it.

He's got a funny sense of humour.

He might be on his way here thinking that'll be funny.

Well, let's find out.

This is the off-menu menu of Robert Popper.

Welcome, Robert, to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Robert Popper, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Could you do that louder, please?

Welcome, Robert Popper, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you so much.

Did you want it louder just to get the full experience do you feel like you're not you didn't get the full genius i just wasn't i didn't quite get the shock you have normally when i listen to it yeah because it just comes yeah yeah yeah yeah but i can see you doing it yeah so i wanted a i didn't get that shot but i got the shock i kind of got a shock a residual shot the second time yeah i think so that's the loudest i've ever done it yeah definitely well like it's a first that's a first and as this is the last episode ever yeah

you know it's it's going to be a podcast an episode full of firsts i think we were planning to announce that robert yeah sorry sorry

Yeah, I mean, do you want to explain to the listeners why it's the last episode?

You wrote the program.

Well,

they know what you guys said.

You know, we all know what you said.

Yeah.

Whether you agree or not, that's a different thing.

I don't want to get involved in that.

But

some of the things you've said, particularly recently,

meant that this has been, you know.

We just think all viewpoints should be aired, regardless of whether we still have it.

I mean, that's one of your attitudes.

Have you seen Douglas is cancelled?

Yeah.

No, still not seen it.

Oh, well, there we are.

I said, yeah, but I thought it it wasn't.

I thought we were still making stuff up.

I'm just going meta now.

Straight in.

I thought it was something you'd made up.

I'd never heard of it before.

So I thought, oh, we're just making stuff up.

Yeah, I thought we're still making it up.

No, no, no, no.

It's actually tonight TV show about a man being, and I haven't seen it either.

Karen Gillen's in it.

Oh,

shout out to Karen Gillen.

Yeah.

Big shout out.

Yeah, big shout out.

Do you want to shout out any other celebs before we crack?

No, no, no.

I'm ready now.

You sure?

I'm ready now.

You can shout out a celeb if you want.

I mean, what celeb should we do?

Just say shout out and then the first celeb that comes into your mind.

First celeb.

Nigel for Raj.

Yeah.

Shout out.

I can't even bring myself to the business.

I mean, that's what you

know linked to what you said recently.

Yeah, to be fair.

We were talking about the controversial comments that we've made.

Exactly.

And apart from this episode, of course, we will be releasing our Christmas special with Nigel.

I mean, it's going to be roast beef, isn't it?

For every single course, yeah.

Yeah, including.

I mean, roast beef juice for the drink.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

We'll have it all mashed up in a bucket or something, you know?

Yeah, horrible.

Big old trough.

Yeah, in a little horse bag, just found on his nose.

Totally.

Disgusting.

He sleeps.

Are you a foodie Robert?

I am not a foodie.

I mean, I like, obviously, here we go.

Everyone says, I like food.

Yeah.

I eat food.

I exist.

But my problem is this.

Right.

My problem is most food in the world, I don't like.

Most food.

Yeah.

And I've done a list.

I'm not going to read the list because, I mean, you can have the list at the end because I know one of of those foods because there's so many will be the the the food that gets me evicted right okay but you're allowed to you would be allowed to mention it's just as long as it's not on your menu

oh okay okay well I'll dig it out later maybe yeah yeah yeah okay

there is a list because you made a list of food that you don't like well I I've always wanted to do this list because my wife said it's ridiculous there's nothing you like and I go I know there's nothing I like because when I go to a restaurant I see people going oh I could have that and I'm like right well I can't have that I can't have that what can can I have?

I can have that.

Oh, it's got that in it.

Oh, I can't have that.

Oh, I can't have that then and that then.

So it's sort of, you know, 40% pleasure, but 60% stress.

But the list of things you don't like, they're sort of fairly common things that crop up in a lot of people.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But when you say can't have that, is it because diet, yeah, like you're in a diet?

No, no, no, no, I could eat anything.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, I'll eat wood.

Yeah.

I can't eat glass.

No.

You know, fish, anything, fish, anything in the sea.

i can't do that one don't like it that's quite a plain ordinary thing not to like isn't it or not i think a lot of people don't like fish yeah i think that's fair i've met people who don't like fish before or people who don't like fish if it's too fishy yeah any anything any people go to you what about smoked salmon i go that's fish yeah and they go

no that's fully blunket no fish yeah nothing in the sea yeah for taste and weirdness reasons what what what's weird They're just weird, aren't they?

Fish, you know, just see, yeah.

I remember the first time I went snorkeling, I mean, i had a snorkel on it was in antigua

and i couldn't when i went under i saw you know thousands of fish and it was like hell this is going on all this is going on while we're up here it's got a whole different universe it's an outrage basically and i just that was one of the extra things i can't eat and they're too weird they're just like yeah it's just like they're alien they're kind of alien and weird see that's interesting that your reaction to realizing there's a whole other universe going on down there wasn't wow that's amazing it was amazing but then no one told me this, this much was going on everywhere.

Yeah.

Fish everywhere, like jellyfish.

Yeah.

I don't know.

There might be a shark here.

There was just so much going on.

Meanwhile, we're just out of the water.

We're living and they've got their stuff there.

Yeah.

Like properly intense living.

Yeah.

And yeah, that kind of blew my mind.

But then that only angered me a little bit.

It was a bit of an outrage.

Yeah, it was a bit of an outrage.

And that meant you didn't want to eat them.

It definitely cemented my, I can't eat these.

Because of how much is going on.

and that's fairly like if you're snorkeling that's just there right there yeah right that's what i mean right there but what do you think about there's bits of the ocean that humans have never even explored and no one really knows what's going on down there well you mean the ones where david attenborough pretends to be in the thing going to the bottom yeah

i'd eat them i'd eat them those alien fish the ones with the lights the ones with the lights on the head

the ones with the lights on head yeah what do i think about i well that's an outrageous it's all an outrage the ocean yeah it's just an outrage isn't it really I think we'd all agree with that.

Well, I mean, I mean, I don't know.

I think if fish found out what we were up to.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think they'd be...

Up on dry land, they'd be more outrageous than us when we find out what they're up to.

I think they wouldn't get much time to process it because as soon as they're on dry land,

that's it, isn't it?

Yeah.

Maybe that's why.

Maybe they could breathe, but they're just so shocked they die.

Maybe.

Yeah.

We'll never know.

They just die of shock a lot of the time.

There's gasping.

Yeah, maybe it's that.

Maybe it's shock.

Yeah, yeah.

They can't do that.

It probably isn't.

It's all the stuff we're doing and they saw a podcast yeah that would be just too much well also that sounds it sounds a bit like a fishing thing doesn't it

a podcast what about that yeah that's a good one a podcast a good one eh a podcast have you ever thought about doing one about them like a spin-off off the menu about that that's not bad

yeah yeah yeah think about it just talk about fish every time

what's going on down there yeah well you wouldn't the meals you you could make you know you wouldn't be a guest of that one because you famously don't like fish i'd be a bad guest yeah yeah also uh before we get into your proper menu and talking about food um we must talk about the lsie drake letters because this is very exciting for those who don't know you've been writing books for quite a while absolute i'd say every comedian in my generation has read and loved your time waster letters thank you um and uh they're like a big like part of the comedy furniture furniture furniture furniture

that's all i've a guy

for comedians of our age do you want to talk about uh let listeners know what the Elsie Drake Letters is?

What the idea is?

Thank you, James.

Yes.

Well, I did these stupid books, The Time Waster Letters, years ago, pretending to be a man called Robin Cooper.

And I wrote to stupid British hobby groups.

I don't know, the National Table Tennis Association or whatever.

And when I finished doing them, I loved it so much I wanted to do more.

And I thought of a different character years ago.

And I started piddling around with her for a bit.

Her name's Elsie Drake.

She's 104 and the sixth oldest woman in Britain.

And she's just been given a computer.

So it's sort of chaos.

She doesn't really know how to use it.

And I started doing them for fun.

I wrote to Tony Blair, got signed.

Dear Elsie wishing you better.

I think she broke her ankle or something.

And then I put it away and I kept doing it for a bit over the years.

And then last year, I suddenly thought, you know what, I'm going to write this, finish this book.

So I wrote hundreds of letters.

I always put a five pound note in all the letters, cost me a fortune.

So they write back, you know, out of guilt.

And I wrote to, you know, lots and lots of different people.

I did quite a a lot of food-based things.

So she'd write to Greg, she, me, and making pies.

So I did a pie, which was, I think, can't remember what it was, but I think it had tuna, suet, right?

Tuna, I had to handle tuna, suet, and I think it has kidney and a piece of banana in it.

And I made these pies, they're called priests' fingers.

So that was my great-grandma used to make them.

My wife would come and go, what is that smell?

Oh, I'm making these pies.

Okay.

And then I'd package them up.

I'd write to Greg, say, would you stock these?

They're delicious.

And I'd go to the post office.

office they'd always say what's what's in the the envelope I just have to say socks or something

you know for a cousin they don't know there's like a disgusting stinking pie and they they'd write back we don't want that and then I'd do another pie and then from Wimpy I made like burgers we looked so that she loves the wimpy burgers so much that we had a wimpy party to raise money for wimpy I see my wife didn't know as she came home to find out what I'd done was I'd put like a little table in the garden and adorned it with Union Jack flags with signs saying wimpy burgers one pound each and I made wimpy burgers out of there's an old mince we had in the fridge I used that I bulked it out with spaghetti carrots big pieces of carrots put that in the in the in the oven and then with two pieces of white bread buttered on top and I laid them out on dishes and she said you know the neighbors can see

they get up and send that so it's a lot of meat and food yeah and it's all about her life and she lives with this mad woman called mrs hale who they clearly hate each other.

There's a lot of tit for tat.

Like there's a lot of like, when she wasn't looking, I poured ink in her bed and stuff like this.

But people write back probably a bit through guilt.

But yeah, and that's the book.

Do you find it easier to get responses when you're a 104-year-old woman?

Do you feel like that?

I found it really hard because people just don't write letters.

So I had to write, I wrote 644 letters for the book.

I was like, most mad.

My exercise was walking to the post box with like 20 letters and jobping them in with five pounds.

Sometimes, sometimes though, just occasionally I put 35 pounds in.

And I say, I mean, it's closing 35 pounds.

Is that enough?

Please don't send us any more money.

Okay, the sort of the maddest one was I wrote to Theresa May when she was Prime Minister in 2018 when I did a big block of these and I said, I want to be your maid in waiting.

And they're like, whatever that is, you know, I'll do the maid stuff.

I'm your maid in waiting.

And talks about how her and her friend Bessie Bates used to, who's 99, and used to clear up

this old house and it was full of rats and maggots, it's foul.

And she gets abscesses and things like that.

Anyway, and I send money and they write back, thank you very much.

We don't need a maid in waiting for Theresa May, and please, you know, don't send any money.

And I write again, I think I wrote three times.

Anyway, I was out at a meeting and my wife phones, sorry, to interrupt me to can I talk to you a second short.

I just had to knock at the door.

I opened the doors, two police officers.

I woven sent my 10 Downing Street, Theresa May's office.

Yes, Is there a lady here called?

Mrs.

Elsie Dreamer.

This is the first of quite a lot of visits, by the way.

And she said,

sort of why.

I said, oh, they concerned there's a very old, maybe confused lady who's been sending money, wanting to be her maid and keeping.

My wife had to say, oh, that's my husband.

He's a comedy writer.

Oh, okay.

Okay, then.

All right.

So it's a comedy writer.

Okay.

And then...

They left.

And then we had another visit from the police off Fry Road to, I can't remember where it was, it's somewhere like Blenheim Palace, saying on 104,

I'm planning a very big party to celebrate my 110th birthday in six years' time.

110.

And we had the police around for that.

No, in fact, that wasn't the police.

This is the worst one.

That was social services.

Social services turn up our house and they say, hello, I'm here from social services assessment team.

We just saw the kids and go, why, we have reason to believe there's a 104-year-old woman in this house and we need to check her safety.

And I had to go, I'm a comedy writer.

My name is Robert Popper.

She said, can I see your ID?

I got ID'd in my own house.

And I said, do you want to come in?

She goes, yes, because I need to check every single room and cupboard in the house for this old lady.

Okay.

So I led her around the whole house and I opened every cupboard.

And she said, at the end, you've proved to me that you do not have a label called LC Draper's Hundred for Living House.

And I said, do you want a copy of the book when it's house?

She said, no, thank you.

There's just loads of visits.

Yeah.

It's reassuring that they are doing their job.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

People were very kind.

Yeah.

That's what I say.

They were kind.

I got a lot of gifts, which I go to charity.

Yeah, it was, it was, you know, flowers, lots of flowers.

Yeah.

It all leads up to a wedding.

She meets a man or Mr.

Ralph Groberts, who's 100, a younger man.

And

people get invited to a wedding and they got flowers.

Penny Morden sent loads of...

food.

The head of Land Rover wanted to pay for all the transport to the wedding and I got flowers from him.

It's insane.

Oh, my God.

It was insane.

You'd be an amazing fraudster if you ever want to stop doing books.

Maybe I shall be.

You can be as ludicrous as you like, and people will.

Exactly.

You know, maybe I should do it for bad rather than almost good.

That's what I'm doing it now for.

We always start with still a sparkling water.

Oh, really?

I don't know.

I haven't heard this.

How does it work?

Well, I'm not the first to say sparkling is awful.

Sure.

I mean, it's just ridiculous.

It's not that shouldn't be that's not a drink is it really i think it is a drink it is a drink it's a drink well i mean it is a drink yeah but it shouldn't be served as a drink

because to me first of all it tastes like uh like if you've left a 2p in the water for a few days and the bubbles are just oxidizing like the metal oxidizing and they're like this is science now oxidizing bubble that's what it tastes like so when you drink it it almost hurts your mouth yes i'm gonna say it's just you know that's all it's painful for us.

It's like an elastic band hitting the top of your roof of your mouth.

Have you ever had that?

I had an elastic band hit the roof of my mouth.

Never before.

No, no.

No, I don't think I have.

No, I haven't, but I imagine

it's just nasty.

I'm wondering if at school, you know, when people fire rubber bands around the classroom, whether I ever opened my mouth and one went in there.

Oh, that would be

proper bingo, that would be.

That would be perfect.

Proper bingo.

Proper bullseye even.

No, that'd be proper bingo, man.

I think it is bingo now, definitely.

Yeah, they changed it if you get it.

They changed it, they modernise the game.

They read out numbers that they and all the darts players have a card.

And if they hit all of their numbers, then it's proper bingo.

108180,

whatever that is.

Yeah.

Can't even do it.

Whatever that is.

Whatever that is.

It seems like you don't like things where there's too much going on under the surface.

Yeah.

So the ocean, sparkling water.

Well,

I suddenly remember talking about sparkling water.

When I was about 12, and when I said the sentence out to my wife, I realized there's something weird in it but we our neighbours lent us a soda stream that's weird isn't it and it was in our lounge on the like cabinet like Prider Place and my mum said don't touch that that's Roy and Ann's yeah

she passed a driving test on her 13th time and crashed into our wall so you're not to play with that obviously I played with that coca-cola syrup foul yeah but um my dad used it to make fizzy water when they had like guests round because it it was kind of quite suburban, isn't it?

That's what they did.

It's cheaper.

I don't know what they traded it in for or when they gave it, what the agreement was.

You can have it for a month or we have to come around and use it.

But I made,

I wanted to know what fizzy milk tastes like.

Of course.

Is that a thing?

Look, have you done that?

That's whatever wants to know.

I think when I was a kid, I thought, what would fizzy milk?

You think about that, right?

Do you remember?

Well, I don't think I ever did it.

Oh, well, I did it.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it is bad.

It's bad.

And it bubbles up quite thick.

yeah and my mum found me and i got in like a lot of trouble for that

clogged it up and said roy and ann are gonna be living yeah right

yeah he did have a temple though yeah yeah

because someone one of my parents friends commented on his wife's driving once which so she was she was bad she was really bad yeah passing the 13th time

and he said something to her like probably learned to drive so it's my parents friend who was coming around and then got knock on the door and it was roy and he had like he clearly had some anger issue issue and he was like

yeah it was gonna be a fight there wasn't a fight but there was almost a fight yeah he had a temper yeah again something bubbling beneath the surface exactly yeah just like uh

the ocean and yeah almost sparkling water yeah Roy's the ocean so you're having still water

yeah anything in it

salt maybe roberts

like in that program

I'm going to have tap water seriously though you did that though as a kid yeah you were your brother yeah we did yeah we did yeah yeah yeah it was water was used a lot.

You can ruin a meal easily.

Yeah.

Just a glass of water on the plate, it's gone.

You know, it's dead.

That's what Johnny's, my brother, Johnny's, that's what he used to do.

Just pour your water.

Yeah, we also did a weird thing.

When I had a bit more hair,

we used to pull bits of our hair out and we would put them in my dad's glass of water sometimes.

Yeah.

From when we had a Friday night dinner.

It was just our weird, horrible joke.

And we never told him what we were doing.

And you would see him like halfway through the meals just going,

like picking his tongue, like, what?

what what is what is in my mouth

and that was our private joke for a long time yeah that's disgusting that's bad isn't that a good trick is what i think is a good trick you like that yeah yeah you should try it i will try that

yeah you could do it on james yeah

he wouldn't like that

pop lobs or bread pop lobs or bread robert popper pop lobs or bread

okay i uh pop a dumbs for italian bread for curry i will have bread actually i want a specific type of bread yeah i'm going to take a step back like because i don't like mulst food much food mulst food i said because i don't like mulsed food um

it's really hard to choose like your dream dream meal

so i think the feel of my meal should feel more like a meal i'd enjoy if i was in a dream i think it's a bit like that okay you know

like because i you see people that go i had the most beautiful my brother had the most amazing meal oh it was amazing shows me pictures of his food i'm never like i like yeah i had had a really nice it was nice but I can't even remember oh what the best meal I ever had is so I'm just gonna go on I would enjoy that and I'd probably enjoy the weirdness of the meal as well so that's gonna be my dream restaurant is this less of a dream meal more of a meal dream it's both it's like a meal I could have in a dream and go oh I had the best dream ever and the meal was amazing listen to what I had and where it was and then the person I'm telling to because dreams aren't interesting go oh wow amazing but I would feel like that was the best meal I ever had yeah because you couldn't go into a restaurant and have like this setting and these choices.

So what first of all I'm going to have a toaster on my on my first of all a toaster on my on my on my on my table.

That's called a table, isn't it?

Yeah.

Table.

It's your dream.

Yeah.

Call it what you like.

They have them in dreams as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You've dreamt about tables.

We all dream about tables and dreams.

But I don't think even a dream a table would never stay a table, I don't think.

You're right.

Because you look down and then it's something completely different.

You're right.

That's the thing about dreams, isn't it?

Yeah.

They're not considered.

They change.

Yeah.

They do.

They do all the time.

What are we we on?

We're on bread, aren't we?

Yeah.

Okay, there's a Jewish bread called chola.

Don't know if you've ever had it.

Platted bread.

Yeah.

That's my favorite bread.

It's beautiful.

Yeah.

Toasted, best thing in the world.

So I'm going to have, I want my own toaster.

I'll tell you why.

Because people don't know how to toast it because it's got a sugar in it and it burns.

Right.

Right.

And I know how to do it.

Low setting.

I want my own toaster.

I want the loaf and I'll cut it and I'll have, I'll eat half a loaf.

Toasted butter.

Beautiful.

What's the secret to toasting it?

Just cut the bread, put it in the toaster, turn the toast low, the toaster low.

Yeah.

It's done.

Are you good at it to the extent that you can just put it on the low setting and

lots of checking?

Yeah.

And also turning it off at the mains, putting spoons in and pulling them out when you, it's all fucked up.

Yes.

Yeah, of course.

Thank you for

safe and turning it off.

You do that thing with the spoons and you just think it is off, isn't it?

The toaster?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I want to check the toast, I'll probably just hit the cancel button.

But I mean, if it gets stuck in the toaster,

I don't normally just put it on and then turn it off and stick the spoons in.

I do know that like I know the lever works.

If it gets stuck in like bent, because it's quite a floppy bread.

I'll just tip the toaster upside down and just sort of bash it.

Yeah, nice side.

Yeah, yeah.

So what's the dream aspect of this one then?

Dream aspect probably hasn't started yet.

No, not yet.

No.

Because this is just a bit, this is sort of the pre-meal bit, isn't it?

Just a bit of a bit of toast, bit of toast, just, you know, a bit of bread, toast.

I mean, I'm allowed with toast on it.

Yeah, that's what I'm allowed.

That's bread.

You are.

This is easing me into the meal.

Yeah.

Because, you know, you get the roll, they bring around around the rolls and things yeah and they have seeds on they don't want those they have nuts and don't eat nuts or they'll say um this is our tomato bread tomorrow you have tomato yeah that's just that isn't that's not food is it tomato bread

that's just words isn't it yeah yeah yeah tomato bread you don't like seeds on the bread not really no no and nuts no i don't like nuts any nuts coconuts that's not a nut or is it a nut

is it a natural

thing it is you wouldn't get a bag of coconuts would you a sack of coconuts.

Yeah, you got natural test case.

On one of those things behind the bar in the pub, clipped up.

Yeah, I'll follow them.

$1.99, so.

Try a rest of coconuts, please.

But you like coconut, but you don't like nuts.

No, I like coconut.

But you don't like nuts.

No, I don't like nuts.

They always say,

I asked if it has nuts in, and they always say, are you allergic every time?

I'd say, no, I just don't like nuts.

Do you ever get any like attitude back?

Yeah, you don't like nuts.

Why don't you like nuts?

I don't like the taste.

I really like your list of your list of things you don't like.

It's whole categories as well so you're not you're not specific about it so it's like fish nuts they're just all gone yeah they're gone it's sad because i could be enjoying life more yeah yeah i think so

we'll get into your menu proper now then so now we're entering the dream i'd say the toaster on the table has a it has a dali-esque quality to it one would say slightly off beat isn't it Yeah, I mean, we could have it that it's not even plugged in at the main.

So you can, but it's still like it still works and you can put the

whatever you like in there.

I love it.

And you'll be fine.

Yeah, no mains.

Just dream power.

It kind of gallops along the table like a little horse.

Yeah.

Lovely.

Yeah.

We'll do that.

Great.

It's a horse toaster.

It's your dream starter.

Okay.

You won't be surprised.

I don't want a starter, okay?

I'm going to have a starter, but I don't like starters.

There's no need.

I will eat food.

There is going to be a meal in this episode.

But I don't like starters.

I don't see the point.

I think a meal is you have your main, you get that done, and then you get your reward, which is dessert.

Yes.

And you do, yes.

you do not need a starter you don't have a starter at home when you sit down you have a starter i have a starter and then i'll have a main

i just don't if i have a takeaway i have a starter what what what starters do you have well depends what takeaway i get so i've got do you have if you have a curry do you have a starter yeah yeah yeah onion barge okay yeah get an onion barge or a prawn purri and i'll this does a normal normal my wife's because she puts everything all on the same plate oh i like that and i'll we'll put it all out in the kitchen say we're having a curry and i've got onion barge maybe a prawn purri i'll put that on a a plate, go through to the other room, eat it.

They'll be like, oh, I've had my starter now.

Then I go back to the kitchen and serve myself mate.

Oh, okay.

No, that is pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's pretty good.

I do have a starter at home, yeah.

You seem to find every bit of that amusing, Robert.

When you were listening to that,

you were really...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm just.

Can you tell me that again?

I'll show you a picture of my home life.

I'll do it with a different.

So if I get Turkish food, I'll get halloumi.

Oh, I like halloumi.

I'll get put that on the plate.

I'll go through to the other room.

I'll eat the halloumi and then go back to the middle of the game.

Yeah, like a minarini.

You separate the thing.

And you go, you actually move locations.

Right.

So you won't bring the main in with.

What rooms are you going from to?

Food is in the bathroom.

Food's in the kitchen.

Okay.

And then I'll go through to the sitting room.

Really?

I'll eat the food there.

But you've got a dining table in your kitchen, though.

Is this where you watch in front of the TV?

TV.

Oh, okay.

TV.

He loves the TV.

I'm not going to sit in the kitchen inside.

So you go in and watch your soaps that you like.

Yeah, my soaps, yeah.

Two curries on a Wednesday,

back to back yeah yeah and I'll eat I'll eat my starter and then you'll walk in and then I'll go into the kitchen and I'll get

the rest of it uh yeah yeah yeah

yeah my kitchen you can't sit and eat anything anyway it's a small kitchen but then why don't you take it all in then into the TV room and then just dish it out yeah I just take it all into the TV room because we've got a little table in there so I just put it all on there I don't want to dish out in the same place.

I know what you mean as well.

It's a hard one that.

Just don't have a starter.

No starter.

You don't need a starter.

Problem solved.

But if I had a starter, okay, if I had a starter.

You don't have to have one.

No, no, no.

I've been thinking it through.

I would have soup.

I like soup.

I like chicken soup.

I like vegetable soup.

But it's weird.

I can't really have soup in a restaurant.

I feel it's kind of, it makes you look quite vulnerable.

You know, just like it ages you 30 years, first of all, just a hot soup and everyone's looking at you with your soup.

So that's more like something you have at home with your partner and it's cold and you go nice soup and it was lovely soup.

Yeah, you can let your guard down.

Yeah, and you're just having lovely.

You just talk about the the soup's lovely soup.

That was lovely.

I'd have that.

Yeah.

But in a restaurant, I don't want to have soup.

What about it makes you feel vulnerable, do you think?

And why do you think everyone's looking at you while you have your soup?

I just always feel when I have a soup in a restaurant that I just look, you know,

I just look older.

I look, you know, what am I now?

26?

I just feel like it just makes you look like an old person having a soup in a restaurant.

It's not a good look.

I think people pity the soup drinker.

That's what I think.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'd say.

Yeah.

I think it's pity.

Do you have that?

I could choose if no one's there then couldn't I could choose yeah you could have no one there or you could eat you know like the the autolin thing that French dish where they eat it under a blanket because they're so ashamed by how disgusting it looks what is that this tiny little bird yeah they don't mean they don't want God to see them eating this tiny little bird yeah what's wrong with the bird well it's just so small and beautiful that it's like considered a shameful thing to eat because it's delicious but it's like a whole little bird

they're eating it whole so they put a blanket over the the head so God can't see the meater.

And it's cooked.

It's a cooked bird.

Yeah, I think.

Well, I've never seen it.

But they eat it whole.

They eat.

I think the beak and everything, yeah.

And this is a thing now.

This happens now.

I think it's more of a thing in the past.

Right.

It was on succession, right, as well.

Yeah, they did it on succession.

Oh, actually, not that one.

Tom Womscans does it.

But you could do that with soup.

Yeah, no, I think people look at me even more.

I know they would be looking at me.

Yeah.

Do you cut the napkin into your collar?

I can't do that.

Yeah, that's too.

Do you put a napkin?

It's demeaning.

It is demeaning, but I do do it.

But I know what I'd have.

Okay.

Before dinner at home, around six, I always get a bit peckish, hungry, you know, that word.

And I will have a bowl of cereal.

This is my drink.

This is what I want.

Yeah, it's your drink.

You're allowed here, okay?

I'm going to have it.

I'm going to have a bowl of cereal.

I'm going to have a bowl, right?

50% corn flakes, they're going first.

50% rice krispies.

It's fucking mad, but I'm going to have this.

Is it what you do?

Yeah.

Honey.

Yeah.

I don't want it served with the thing

that shaped, the wooden thing with the thing that looks like, you know, like bees on the end.

And it drips everywhere.

Squeezy honey on it.

Cold oat milk.

Yeah.

And I want that.

Now, in terms of soup, I would really enjoy that.

Soup aged as you say he is.

Yeah.

Does cereal have the opposite effect?

That's a good point.

Yeah.

For if I'm young.

It would knock a month off.

Yeah.

No one's going to be looking.

Yeah.

But I could choose who's there, if not.

Could I have a button?

Like, you know, when you see sometimes it says call for champagne in those could i have a button and it changes the people yeah yeah

so who do you want

i know who i want yes yeah yeah because i saw these people in a restaurant i had a meal about five years ago with tom rosenthal and simon burg on friday night dinner we had a disgusting meal somewhere all the food was awful it's brilliant and uh sitting at a table about four away from us was alastair campbell you know the labor with mick hucknell wow yeah they were together they were together having dinner

so i want them but like every table has them, like 20 tables

all there eating, having different conversations.

But I can't quite hear them.

I don't know if they're talking about politics or music.

And it's quite annoying, but interesting.

And I'll have them there and they can watch me eat.

So 20 tables of Mick Hucknill and Alistair Campbell.

Yeah.

Yeah, I want that.

While I'm having my cereal, just so I can tell people afterwards, I had the freakiest meal.

I had cereal and 20 replica.

Mick Hucknalls and Alistair Campbell's were watching me eat.

Are they moving in sync?

Are they all

moving in sync?

So they're all having their own.

Yeah, they don't even know.

They don't see themselves and go, that's me.

Yeah.

They're just in like their own little void.

Having different conversations.

Yeah, I can never quite hear them.

Yeah.

I wonder what they were doing together.

I don't know.

Maybe Mick Hucknell was the original instead.

He was supposed to do the rest as politics instead of Rory Stewart.

Yeah.

That was the original meeting.

Yeah.

Could have been.

Yeah.

It could have been that, couldn't it?

Could have been that, yeah.

Would it be more successful or less successful?

I feel like it's the opposing Labour conservative that makes that show work.

And you you can't have both of them being simply read oh

beautiful i mean beautiful that was i mean come on if this was live yeah that would be the that would be it wouldn't it that would go mad and then someone would heckle something about 15 seconds later that's not quite as funny yeah explain with chin yeah a simply red song yeah yeah that doesn't quite work yeah the name yeah i can't think what that is fair grand yeah yeah that definitely doesn't work

that joke was fair ground yeah

the bowl of cereal, you say 50-50.

Because it's a dream.

We can make anything happen.

Do you want the divide to happen horizontally or vertically?

Do you want it?

No, I'm going to go horizontal.

Really?

Yeah.

I would want a vertical.

But how do you do that?

Well, it's a dream.

We may as well just have two bars.

We can make this happen for you, that you've got like half and half, like from the top.

Well, saying that, when me and Peter, Sarah Finnevich, used to write, look around you, our treat at the end of the day was we buy a Mars bar, right?

And we cut it in half vertically and call it a Vase bar.

And that was our treat.

So maybe in honor of that, I should do this, you know, have it vertical.

I love the insanity that people go through when they're running.

Come on, you know, you know what it's like.

It was our vase bar.

We'd have it one a day.

He did a thing which was something like, all the fun of a Mars in a mist.

It's like a Mars spray that you spray into your mouth.

What does it, if a Mars a day helps you work, rest and play, right?

Work, rest, and pray.

Just wondering what a vase did.

Yeah, what does a vase do?

Oh, God.

Verk, vest, and fay.

I don't know what it is.

I could work out what it rhymes with.

You've got to leave this in.

This is no way coming out.

You've got to leave this.

I just don't know, James.

No.

I don't know the answer to that.

I don't have a funny answer to that.

Yeah.

It's like, Joe, what?

I think it takes a...

a grown-up to admit that.

It's very much true.

Thank you very much.

I wish I'm a good comedy writer, yeah, but you've admitted.

Failure.

I'm stumped.

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So, your dream main course?

Yeah, my dream main course.

So, my dream main course is it's like it's a, it's something I like, and it's not, this is normal, you know,

yeah, so normal, it's normal food.

So, again, we're still not really in this dream that you're talking about, it's mainly applying to the guests.

Well, now I'm the restaurant is the setup of my grandma's old tiny flat okay okay yeah so you press the button i press the button yeah the big hugnos they're they're like and they're like eviscerated they vanished either they're eviscerated i don't know if they're eviscerated but they're gone maybe they're eviscerated maybe they are maybe don't know but they're gone and now it's my grandma who i loved she was great and um in her tiny flat i'm in a tiny flat now and um my grandma was like insane and uh i can do her voice so like i mean i could phone my mum up and she would have long chats with with me and it's perfect.

I would even phone my grandma sometimes and talk back to her and her voice and to her brain would go, what?

So

she, she escaped from the Nazis basically and came over here.

So and she, she spoke, she spoke like this.

It's wonderful to be here.

Wonderful.

This isn't strange that I'm talking like this now.

That's my grandma.

So I'm going to be in a flat.

And she's going to serve me my favorite comfort meal when I went there.

It was either meatballs, which were on the list.

Don't like them.

That was bad bad because they were big.

Don't like them.

No, do you like meatballs?

Yeah, yeah.

Because they were big.

Is that why?

But there's more of them.

So there's meatballs.

Or you get the good one, which was, so she had this tiny, tiny little kitchen, tiny.

And if you took one step in there, she goes, no, go away, go away.

Leave me.

Go inside.

She didn't want you in the kitchen.

It was tiny.

No, it's not nice.

Don't sit down.

Go, go.

It's not not nice.

So you sit down.

And then she'd wheel the trolley through.

There'd be a trolley.

And she used to make, she have this like cast iron saucepan and she'd make these like square steaks and she cooked them in, I don't know, it must be in East European, like loads of paprika and flour.

There'd be like a crust.

Oh, it's so good.

And she'd make these little potatoes.

She'd boil them and then she'd cook them in with a steak and I have them and green beans.

That was my meal.

Yeah.

And while I'd eat them, she'd say to me, why are you not eating the meat?

I said, well, I'm saving it to the end.

No, you should eat the good thing first.

What if a bomb or if you have to escape?

Well, okay, hopefully there won't be a bomb.

I have to escape.

So it was kind of like a sort of third generation Holocaust trauma meal dream.

That's what it is at the moment.

But that's what I want.

Okay, first of all, that's a very nice memory.

Yeah.

But also, she would sometimes, and she did this regularly to me and my brother Johnny, she'd go, She'd be in the kitchen, she'd come out and she'd have an onion in her hand, peeled.

Do you like an an onion so sorry would you like an onion what to eat raw yes no thank you why you don't like them to me it is like a juicy apple and then she would eat what the onion in front of us and me and my brother would be watching this very elderly short quite tanned lady with dyed blonde hair eat an onion from beginning to end in front of us that's a power move is what that i'm telling you is a power move intimidating would she maintain eye contact as well for the whole it was it was put full eye contact while the horse racing was playing on the TV behind.

Maybe a Margolise does that.

What's that?

Eats a full onion.

Does she really?

Yeah, yeah.

She mentioned it on this podcast.

Wow, maybe she's my grandmother.

That would be a real twist.

That would be a twist.

Maybe Margulise could be your grandmother.

Even though my grandma's not alive.

Yeah.

And you know what your grandma looked like.

Yeah, so it's definitely not her.

Would you want?

You must have a.

You can ask her.

You've got a contact leader, hasn't you, Bear?

Yeah, we'll ask.

Do you want to ask her now?

You could do it.

You went on

your phone before.

You could do it.

Yeah, I could just text Pargaly's Robert Popper's grandmother.

Yeah, which you could probably answer.

Is it just a cut of steak?

Is it like a square cut of steak?

It was square.

I don't know what meat.

I mean, I know what meat it was.

It was beef.

Yeah.

It wasn't horse.

And it was just a square, juicy piece of meat with loads of paprika.

It's quite sort of spicy-ish.

It had this crust on it.

Oh, it's delicious.

Yeah.

You really love the crust.

Yeah, the crust.

The crust meat is so good.

I mean, I can cook an ice steak and it doesn't have a crust on it, but this was the only one I had.

Have you ever had a steak that has a crust on it like with flour?

No.

It's nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice getting that.

It was really nice.

Yeah.

I've never had it, but like, I haven't even heard of it before.

But both times you've mentioned the crust and you've been like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, because I hadn't thought about it.

I was thinking, what will I eat?

What food?

I eat so much chicken.

I can't eat chicken.

Oh, this.

Yeah, I'll have this.

Yeah.

With her watching me, telling me to hurry up before the bomb.

Yeah.

That's a real generational way of thinking about the order you should eat your food.

Yeah, have you heard that one before?

Have the good stuff first?

Yeah.

Because I was told, save the the best stuff till last.

I was told.

But my mum always used to do that.

She said when she was a kid, save the good stuff till last.

But then there were like loads of other kids at the table.

So they just lean over and nick it when she was saving it.

That doesn't feel fair, does it?

It's not fair.

It's a cruel world.

It is a cruel world.

But I still did it.

I still stuck to it.

Grandma was, she was like obsessed with when I was little, like three, because I didn't eat anything like today.

So she would try to make me eat.

Yeah.

And she used to give me, I remember this, I haven't had it since.

I was fat already.

Ribena and milk.

Oh.

That is what I'd be given.

And she would try and make me drink that because she thought it's got sugar in and milk and it's good for you.

And if I was really unlucky, she makes an egg in it.

So it'd be ribena, milk, and an egg.

That's what I got.

You've had more weird milk experiments than most people I've met.

You're right.

You're right.

Yeah.

You've had milk every which way.

I have.

Yeah.

Ribena and milk.

Also, it curdles.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's foul.

It's interesting that it curdles, but you don't want to then drink it.

No, you're going to want to then drink.

And I imagine the egg binds it some way.

But tastes even worse.

Yeah, it was was sort of browny purple drink yeah which is not never a good colour really oh my gosh do you like milk these days no no no that's on the list that's on the list you got the oatmeal

i'm an oat milk man yeah i'm a media milk man you know it's a media drink isn't it oat milk oat milk yeah earl grey with oat milk that's what i have that's that's not good is it that's my tea of choice i think it's good i mean it's good

For someone who's very picky about food, Earl Grey is quite surprising.

Quite jazzy.

I think I've gone off normal tea now.

It's not on the list.

We used to do a a shot when we were teenagers, which curdled.

You do a shot of Bailey's into your mouth, hold it in your mouth, then a quarter shot of lime juice in there, and then shake your head around.

And it curdles in your mouth.

It's called a cement mixer.

How would you see it?

You'd feel the bits.

It curdled in your mouth.

Oh, that's foul.

Yeah, yeah.

He did it when he was a teenager.

Yeah.

The cement mixer.

Well, me and my friends, we invented a drink that I think is worse.

It's called a tomento.

And it's tomato juice and creme de month.

And that curdles and that is foul.

And were writing something years ago, and we came up with that's the drink of their choice.

Yeah.

And then we went after about five years later, we met up.

We've never had one.

We went to a pub in Soho, the Jon Snow.

Yeah, we went to a normal pub, went in there.

Come on, you say, you said, hello, a pot in the lager, please, and a tominto.

That guy was just landlords to chatty people.

Sorry, what was that?

Tominto, what's that?

Tomato juice and creme de month.

He goes, okay.

And he just poured the tomato juice and leant over, did the shot of creme at 160, please, years ago.

And it was this brownie red curdle drink, and it's like a tomato mint alcoholic taste, and it's foul.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, I mean, you've got to try it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's worth it.

It's got to be green.

The Jon Snow.

Yeah, Jon Snow.

Well, I think it's still 160.

Yeah, yeah.

That does the best one you've ever had, right?

Tominto, yeah.

Yeah.

I asked Bill Nye for directions to the Jon Snow.

Did you?

Yeah, yeah.

While he was in here.

No.

Directly from here.

And what did he say?

He didn't know I was.

It's quite a specific thing to ask.

And how did he say it?

You know, do you build nigh?

I'm afraid I don't.

That's not bad.

I'm afraid I don't.

It's a bit a bit runny Corbett.

I think he actually said, I can't say that I do.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

That would be the line they give him.

Yeah.

He probably saved

if the line said, I'm afraid they don't.

He would say, I prefer to say it like that.

Yeah, very good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I believe you now.

Now you have to press a button now and your grandma's going to disappear.

How do you feel about that?

That's fine.

She's had her use.

You know, she can be eviscerated.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've got to get eviscerated.

Well, we know we weren't sure.

We weren't sure, were we?

Yeah.

There's like a you know 10% chance that they are.

But I'll take that risk.

Yeah.

So I press the button and she's gone.

And where are you now?

Look, have a look around because it's so funny.

I'm back in the restaurant.

I don't know where I am now, but I'm in some restaurant.

Yeah, maybe a French restaurant.

Yeah, in France.

Yeah.

You like France, yeah, I like France, yeah.

How often do you go to France?

Once a year, yeah, same place, three years running, yeah.

Maybe this will be the last time we go there.

It's probably going, you know, what we've been here enough now, yeah, but South France, lovely, very nice.

Yeah, do you like France, lads?

Yeah,

it's going to be using the travel one you do as well,

yeah, yeah, yeah, off-road, off-road, very good,

yeah, very good.

There's some ideas here, isn't it?

Off the beaten path for Plosive, the company, yeah, yeah, yeah,

what do you think, Ben?

It's good, isn't it?

Off-road, yeah.

Off-road, yeah.

I like it.

Yeah, it's good.

You and Bill Nye walking the streets of Soho.

Me seeing if he can find his own.

Yeah, he doesn't know anyway.

He doesn't heard him anywhere.

Do you know where?

He doesn't know where anywhere is.

You can't say that he does.

Can't say that I do.

That's a good format, isn't it?

Taking Bill Nye to places that he's never been before and asking him if he knows his way around.

Yeah, yeah, he has to find it.

There's no GPS.

Well,

you've got to find it, Bill.

That's good.

Yeah, that is good.

I mean, it genuinely probably is quite good, isn't it?

Yeah, it is quite good.

Yeah, Bill.

You're in Taiwan.

I mean, it'd get green lit for sure.

Yeah, I don't think it'd feel like he does have a smartphone anyway.

No, I don't think he does because he just walks around singing all day.

Have you read about that?

No, I didn't know that.

He loves learning a new song every day, and he just walks around singing out loud.

Yeah, wow, was he singing with me?

No, he's not at all, but maybe unless he was learning a song called Uh, I don't think that I do or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, perhaps he was perhaps silent night.

Do you get it?

Because it was silent, yeah, yeah.

This is gold, isn't it?

Silent night, silent night.

I said silent night, you win.

Dream side dish, Robert.

Ball of carrots.

Raw carrots.

Wow.

Yeah.

My favourite thing.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Raw carrot in a bowl.

It's your favourite thing.

I think it's like the tastiest food in the world.

A raw carrot.

I thought you said ball of carrots.

Not a ball of carrots.

No.

A ball of carrots wouldn't be the tastiest.

That would be...

That's impossible, isn't it?

A ball of carrots.

It's a dream restaurant.

It's possible then, but I want a bowl of carrots, raw carrots.

And nothing, no dip with them?

No, just raw carrots.

I eat them all the time.

Don't peel them.

Wash them.

Cut the ends off.

Give the bits to my dog.

Yeah.

And eat the carrots.

They're beautiful.

Crunchy, sweet if you get a good one.

They're delicious.

It's really funny that you give the bits to your dog.

Yeah, he loves carrots.

Does he?

She, yeah.

Lolly, that's her name.

Yeah.

Labrador.

All it wants is food.

It follows me around and wants to

sort of loves me.

It's more like the animal that lives in the house, really.

You know, that's our dog.

You've got a dog, haven't you?

I've got a cat.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Love cats.

Yeah, he's very precious about what he eats.

What's your cat called?

Pig.

Oh, great name.

It's a good name, isn't it?

Do you know about James's cats?

How many cats have you got?

Do you want to guess?

Four.

Okay, four.

Sorry.

Sorry, yeah, that's going to be a good one.

I mean, I'm allergic to cats and I like cats.

I would have 40 cats.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love them.

Four cats.

What's that like?

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Love it.

We had this decorator in recently.

And

he was very nice.

He wouldn't stop talking.

And

a bit like me.

And he said, Yeah, you've got a dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I've got cats.

I said, oh, how many cats have you got?

20.

Wow.

Wow.

21.

I bought a white cat yesterday.

I've always wanted a white cat.

21 cats.

Wow.

Imagine having 20 cats and you've not got a white one yet.

I know.

It's like it's collecting.

I wanted a white one.

That is unpleasant.

21 cats.

So does your house smell of cats?

Yes, it will do.

Yes, it does.

Mine doesn't.

I I don't know.

It's not yours.

21 cats.

There's no way it won't.

Yeah, 21 cats.

Yeah.

Because it's not your house anymore, is it, really?

It's the cat's house.

Yeah, it's the cat's house.

I've got four cats, and I have to, you know,

be mindful each day to not let things slip into

look after four cats.

Luckily, they're pretty chill, all four of them.

They all get on?

They all get on.

Our little gang.

Names?

Terry.

Terry, good.

Alex.

Also good.

Rue.

Rue.

And Spider-Man.

I mean, they're four classic names.

go together.

Alex also goes by Cheeseburger Jones.

It depends

on the vibe.

Yeah, I mean, Alex is often called that on that.

Pet names.

Alex is shorter for Cheeseburger Jones.

Cheeseburger Jones, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

After Alex Jones, the conspiracy guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah, I know you like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is the last episode.

Yeah, yeah.

So you're just walking around the house quite often just nibbling on a carrot.

Yeah, I love carrots, yeah.

If I'm writing on some other little bowl of carrots, you know, to nibble on.

I won't have nuts, can I?

Don't like nuts.

No, well, you can have it.

You use the word can't quite liberally.

I could.

You don't want to.

I don't want them.

Yeah, yeah.

Hate them.

You hate nuts.

So you have to have.

I have to.

I must have carrots.

And these are full-size carrots?

When you say bowls?

Well, I think I'll cut them in.

I'll do the vertical.

I'll do a vertical cut.

A variety.

A varrot.

I love varrots.

Yeah.

I'll varrot them.

Yeah.

Are you just varrating?

Because often when you get...

I might do other varrats.

I mean, it depends on what I think is, I might do two more.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you know, yeah.

I kind of, of, you know what?

When you said a bowl of carrots, I was like, oh, man, that's.

It's a bowl, though, isn't it?

It's better than a bread.

But

whenever I have carrots, like carrot batons or something like that,

I do think carrots are good.

Yeah, but if you buy them in packs,

some that's quite watery and nasty, they can turn.

I mean, my favourite thing to buy from Marks and Spencer's service stations is the carrot batons with a hummus dip.

Hummus is on my list, I'm afraid.

Oh, no,

I throw that away, that goes away, and I'll have the mattons.

You know, when you're driving, you have them on your lap.

Yeah.

And then the carrots fall over, you know, by on your feet and all the pedals.

Have you had that one?

While you're driving on the motorway, I have.

That was bad.

They're quite moist.

Yeah.

I had a bag of carrots and they're just all and they're like all over the pedals, slippery.

Yeah.

Are you then bending down to try and

trying to move them out the way?

But while driving safely.

While driving safely.

Doesn't happen a lot, but that has happened.

Yeah.

Do you abide by the five-second rule?

Would you pick up a carrot from the five-second carrot rule?

Yeah, the five-second carrot rule.

um i might not from the foot from the foot well yeah but if it's in my house yeah which is spotless yes if it's in my house i would i would yeah but not from the footwell of my you know the mankey footwell in my car definitely not although i might yeah because if no one's watching if no one's watching it's not like and then you look in the rearview mirror and mick cuck's sat in the back oh but i can't quite hear him yeah so it doesn't matter what he said when you said uh bowl of carrots i too imagined the batons and thought ugh, come on.

But then when you said the full ones, it did make me go, oh,

that is nicer.

And I hadn't thought about that before.

They're quite refreshing.

You know, they mean in the fridge?

Yeah.

Refreshing.

Like nature's lollipop.

Nature's lollipop, like the stick, but a tasty lollipop stick.

Do you ever bite into one and say, what's up, dog?

I haven't actually, but I will.

I will from now on.

Yeah.

I mean, you do a good impression of your grandmother.

Did you ever do a good impression of Bug's Bunny?

No, I can't do Bug.

Can you do Bug's Bunny?

I could do my grandma saying it.

What's that, Doug?

Yeah.

How do you feel about cooked carrots?

Yeah, yeah, not bad.

Yeah, I've got to, yeah, they're fine, you know, if they're not too soft.

Yeah, people can overdo it.

They can, can't they?

And the punishments aren't severe enough, are they, really, for that these days?

Who knows with this new government, of course?

But yeah, of course.

Yeah, fingers crossed.

I think it's in their manifesto.

I haven't seen it.

Yeah, yeah.

They're always so long, aren't they?

Yeah, yeah.

Getting involved.

It's quite deep in the carrots.

Yeah, it's not near the top, really.

Yeah, yeah, you know

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Your dream drink, Robert.

You like this one?

Yeah.

I'm going to have two drinks.

I'm allowed two drinks, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I reckon.

I'm going to have because it will just make me laugh.

Okay.

Who's in the restaurant when you're having the carrots, by the way?

No one's in the restaurant.

No one's in the carrot.

No, it's with my grandma.

No, the carrots.

Side dish.

Side dish.

Yeah, but I thought you'd press the button.

Oh, you're a bitch.

White

white bear.

Yeah, you've got a break.

It's going to be a bear restaurant.

It's in your kitchen with the dog.

No, it's going to be.

Yeah, it'll be in my, yeah, that's what it's going to be with the dog.

Yeah.

And I can chuck the bits.

Yeah.

That's what this, this, now I'm back in a restaurant.

I'm going to be in a white bear restaurant now for no reason.

Yeah.

And I'm going to have,

what was the question?

Drink.

Drink.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Well, no, this is throughout the meal, isn't it?

So we can have these anyway.

Well, I want to be served, you know, by waiters, obviously, and I want to, I'm going to start with a seamauer, and then I'm going to finish with a Laros.

those wines no i'll tell you what these are so this is another one for my youth when me and my brother johnny were younger and we used to get invited to parents like someone was getting married in the family or the mitzvah and i was like 11 and he was eight we've invented this game which we do to this day which is the best game yeah and i think maybe my brother's there for this bit uh just for when i drink he appears and then he's eviscerated but comes back yeah so what we would do we would go we would we would be quite we we're quite, you know, we're 12.

We didn't know anyone often, and it's boring.

And we didn't want to talk to girls, it's embarrassing, there's a family.

So, we would just go and sit by the bar and just drink Coca-Cola.

And we would, this is our plan.

So, we weren't

what we would do, just by the bowl, near the bar.

Is that a thing kids do normally, sitting up at the bar?

Not at the bar, like it wouldn't be at the bar.

Imagine you sat having a Coca-Cola, like, this is a long night.

Cigar.

Yeah.

But this is, we'd hang around, we'd hang around the bar, hiding basically, and have a Coke.

And then it would be right.

It's time.

It's time.

So they go, oh, two more coats, please.

No, one Coke, one Seamauer.

I go, Seamau.

Yeah, one Coke, one C-Mau.

What's Seamau?

Coca-Cola and lemonade?

What?

Mixed together.

That's a Seamauer.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

So this is pre-internet, so you couldn't check.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

And then you see him wander off, pouring out, and another bartender would see him mixing lemonade and coats.

You'd see him mouthing seamau.

See me?

Oh, it could be a drink.

So we'd have a Coke and a a sea mal and then it would be later on we'd have two seamows please and once they got used to that the bit when they go two seamows we go one seamal one the ros

so you have to wait for them to yeah yeah what's a little ros ginger ale and a lemonade i've never heard of that before maybe one seamal and that would be that would be your thing so a seamal and we did that our whole life and if we ever go out it'll be like what do you want one sea mal please so that i would i would be want to be drinking them they taste nice as well yes and um my brother can be there and we can do that and they they there's no internet reception, so they can't check.

Yeah, yeah, and they're not allowed for me.

I mean, I don't know if they would even check now, would they?

They wouldn't check now, surely.

They'd be like, whatever, if they want to call it, two seam hours, if they want to call it a two seam when they come over, they would say two seam hours, always two seam hours.

No, no, once you're on Ross, that would be

then you end on two La Ross's, yeah, and it's just when they think they've got the hang of it, right?

Yeah, and then my dad would tell me, you're ordering your stupid drinks, don't say anything about that, that would be organic.

So, I would, I like those drinks.

I mean, they're good drinks as well.

There's nothing more exciting as a kid than realizing you can mix different soft drinks.

Do you ever mix drinks?

Nice mixy.

Oh, the freestyle machine.

The freestyle machine.

The soda fountain at you know

some

fast food places now in London have a freestyle machine.

Excellent.

Where you can

pick loads of other stuff.

I mean, there's stuff that you don't even know, you can't buy commercially by itself, like you know, peach lilt and stuff like that.

Yeah, I made that one up.

Every flavor of Fanta you could imagine every sort of sort of different food raspberry fanta all that sort of stuff can you mix some of those together although i don't want to mix them if i've not had like i just want to try raspberry fanta that sounds good yeah well i mean when you were kids that's called a lombard

that'd be a lombard

a lombard a raspberry fanta raspberry fanta would be a lombard

would your brother sign off on this oh yeah yeah yeah yeah we we do this all the time yeah still do it now oh yeah yeah yeah we haven't done it for a while but we're going to do it again soon we talked about it recently i was telling telling him, we've got to do this again.

So, yeah, yeah, we've got to do that.

We've got to do that.

Two seam hours on La Royal.

I mean, we always talk about it in the restaurant.

What do you want to drink?

He was going to see me hours.

He always does that to me.

Yeah.

I mean, we should start this as a thing.

Yeah.

People ordering seam hours on La Royale.

I think it almost certainly will happen.

And see if people please go out there and try it.

You've got to start.

You don't go straight in two seam hours.

No, you've got to lull them into getting a lot of stuff.

Two seam hours and have the Coca-Cola.

Coca-Colas.

Yeah.

Coca-Colas as opposed to Cokes.

Two Coca-Colas, please.

Yeah, that's right.

And then eventually, Chuckasi Malas.

That's my dream.

Yeah.

And then the high point is when they say two sea masks.

Two seam hours.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

And then it ends on two La Rosses, please.

Good night.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

Now I'm excited about this because you said that the whole meal really is just so you can get the reward, which is the pudding, which is great.

It is, yeah.

Great to hear.

Yeah.

I'm going to have a trolley.

Trolley, trolley of puddings.

Great.

Yeah.

Here we go.

So the mains come on a trolley as well, hasn't it?

Yeah, my grandma's not going to be pushed.

pushed.

She's been, we don't know if she's been eviscerated.

She's no longer.

She's somewhere else.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is just, I'm back in a restaurant and I can choose who I want.

Yeah.

I thought about this.

Yeah.

This would be freaky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Full of people you haven't met yet, but you are going to get to know in the future.

Right.

That would be weird, isn't it?

That's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

And Stormsey's there as well.

Oh, I'm going to get friends with Stormsey.

That's good.

Yeah.

Oh, so you know that at some point you're going to get to know them properly.

Yeah, just be

how would I know her?

Yeah.

I mean, I think that's a good idea for like a TV show, Robert.

You're not worried that you just, I mean, you know, this is your bread and butter here, writing.

Are you not worried you're just giving away quite a good idea for a TV show?

Which is a man eating quite a horrible food

that's people he doesn't know yet.

I'm not well.

It does sound like a Netflixy idea, doesn't it?

Yeah, it's so funny.

He's got to find out how he knows the people.

That's actually quite a good idea.

That's why I'm copywriting it now.

Yeah,

I know all these people.

Yeah, but if we can get Stormsey on board, I think it's going to be a really good show.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll do a Co-Pro with his company.

He must be a TV company.

It'd be good if there's like, well, maybe it's a film or something, but

it starts with the main character wakes up in a strange room and there's other people sat around, no one's talking to each other, and then learns that these are people that he's going to meet in his life.

It's not a bad idea, actually, is it?

And then the rest of the story is meeting those people.

So he kind of wakes up as if from a dream.

And then

I think we've got the beginning nails.

We've got the beginning.

We've got the idea.

But it's the rest of it, isn't it?

Yes, we've learnt details.

Or he gets eviscerated.

I mean, this is...

You're a bit obsessed with.

Yeah.

Well, I'm just trying to tie it in.

It's an ending.

Maybe he makes sort of weirdly makes friends with him in the room and then he goes back to his life.

But they don't remember when

they don't remember.

You don't want to like sort of floppyhead.

late middle-aged men in bow ties that are probably like surgeons that might end up operating when you're very or it's someone he might murder or something you know like people that might be like, well, then medical stuff.

Yeah, because it's not all people are going to meet and be friends with like, yeah, it's the person who's going to take you.

I'm the one that gave you the heart transplant that didn't go right.

Oh, okay.

And it's in a world where no one can lie.

Even, I mean, we're going to pitch this, guys.

Yeah, so that's what I want in the background.

And I want a trolley and I want a pyramid.

of profiter rolls.

As soon as you said pyramid, I knew it was coming.

Nothing else comes in a pyramid.

It's my favourite dessert made by my mum with hot chocolate sauce i want cream in them not ice cream not nice with ice cream in it's not proper it's too cold with the hot chocolate yeah i cream's not on the list though i love ice cream yeah no that is top of nice like list so i want fritterard loads of them nice list nice list so i want them then i want there's a french restaurant we go to like france every couple of months me and my wife as a treat on how to treat a lady we have uh they have this dessert that's the nicest dessert i've ever had in a restaurant it is warm blueberry tart yeah Here's the genius.

Lavender ice cream.

Wow.

That's adventurous for me, wasn't it?

Yeah, it's very adventurous.

It's very bad.

It's amazing.

And they nearly always have it.

And basically, I go for that, really.

I get the main done, I get that.

And occasionally, they don't have it.

It's off the menu.

And I literally want to, you know, destroy the whole restaurant.

I'm so angry.

Yeah, yeah.

I just moan to my wife, I don't have the lavender thing.

Well, all right, they've got other things.

I know, but I wanted that.

Yeah.

You've been looking forward to it all day, all week, maybe.

Is the dessert menu attached to the main menu?

So you know as soon as you go in, or does it come separately at the end?

It's a work of art, they're dessert, man.

It's all amazing.

Right.

They've got tart tatan, you've got homemade ice creams.

My wife often has chocolate and raspberry together.

And when we were kids, there used to be this ice lolly called Dracula.

That was chocolate and raspberry.

So when she has it, I go Dracula.

And she quite likes that joke, but also finds it quite annoying because I do it quite a lot.

She's having Dracula.

Dracula.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm having Dracula.

You're having chocolate.

Yeah.

Like the ollie yep so she'll have that and i'll have the lavender thing and i'll have the tattan if they don't have that they've just got beautiful you know beautiful dessert what's it called this place it's called bistro x and it's in crouch end and it is nice it is but it's quite romantic also the people in it generally quite old but it doesn't matter the food's so nice yeah and um i'll have that and then i'll also have uh meringues which I can make really good meringues.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What kind of meringues?

I've got them some here.

I'm going to give you them in a minute.

Have you actually?

Oh my goodness.

You've got a meringues.

So, yeah.

Do you want a meringue?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Robert Popper is getting up to get his meringues out of his bag.

I'll make meringues.

Now, bearing in mind, we've heard what Elsie Drake makes and what food he's been making through that.

Is this going to be a good thing?

No, no, no.

These are.

Oh, they've all crumbled, of course.

Oh, my God.

These are nice.

These are absolutely legit.

It's got your brother's hair in it.

I wanted to add them.

It's got my grandma's hair in it.

Well, I'll obviously try one of these chocolate-y-looking ones as well.

I like chocolate-dusted on the top.

It'll make you really like dry mouths and it'll be awful for the.

what do you reckon?

Delicious.

Oh

what do you reckon?

Today I thought

I made a note make meringues and then this morning I thought fucking I've got to make meringues for this and then I left it to the last home I did.

We wouldn't have known.

What do you reckon lads?

Really delicious and exactly what you want from a meringue.

It's like not hard all the way through.

It's chewy as well a bit.

A bit chewy, a bit soft in the middle.

They've got the shell on the outside.

Go on lads.

That's legit mate.

So meringue I want meringues with a lot of cream.

Yeah.

And, you know, I'm done.

I mean, that is a good meal.

It's a strange meal.

Yeah, but you've definitely saved yourself for the dessert, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like you're having a bowl of carrots as a side.

That's like almost cleansing the palate ready for the dessert, Trolley, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

For being a good little boy, so you get your big reward at the end.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, do you want to hear the list then?

Yeah, let's hear the list.

It's a proper list.

It's big down on paper.

Yeah.

But over the last days,

it's a big list, just literally.

All seafood, olives, nuts, mayonnaise, mustard, asparagus, cabbage, apricots, liver, lye cheese, pesto, coffee, blue cheese, truffles, truffle oil, pickles, white chocolate, raisins, they're fine.

But if they break away from a cake, I won't eat the ones that are on their own because they've got cake on them.

That's annoying.

Don't know why.

Lentils, chickpeas, marzipan, beetroot, garlic bread, raw onions, venison.

Who has venison?

That's a weird thing to say.

Artichoke, grapefruit, Brussels sprouts, rhubarb meatballs red wine nearly done milk red peppers sweet corn but not i like call on the cob and not on its own yeah licorice goat's cheese marmalade feta cheese quiche falaffel dates prunes hummus parsnips cheesecake doughnuts baked beans and peas wow i mean some absolute rogue things in there yeah garlic bread and doughnuts doughnuts horrible Really?

Yeah, man.

I love sweet things.

Greasy.

Greasy?

Yeah, doughnuts taste greasy.

And the traditional ones with the sugar and the jam in the sugars annoying sort of like grates your lips and just raw jam

raw jam just jam in a doughnut it's just like you don't get jam

in and you put your lips you don't get jam put your spoon and just spoon jam into your mouth you put jam on stuff though don't you you do that's true actually jam in the dough you do put down and i have jam on toast yeah yeah

i'm the one with the problem

yeah sandwich is really nice so i'm the one with the problem yeah yeah and but milk obviously well with i know where you don't like milk yeah you have fizzy milk and milk with ribena so yeah obviously left a really traumatic memory i think i was probably traumatized yeah i understand that

one's understandable yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna move your menu back to you now see how you feel about it robert exciting you want tap water you would like um hala bread

toasted by yourself on it with a toast on the table starter you want 50-50 cereal corn flakes and rice krispies with honey not with one of those twisty things

and cold oat milk yep your main course you you want a square steak made by your grandmother with paprika potatoes and green beans all made in like a metal don't forget the crust

and the flour crust

delicious side dish bowl of raw carrots drink sea mourner and a la rose yep dessert a pyramid of profita rolls with cream not ice cream warm blueberry tart with lavender from lavender ice cream beefstro x

yep lavender ice cream and meringues made by yourself which we won't discuss if they were in a pyramid or not

no I think they would just be on a dotted around the room.

Yeah,

how do you feel about that?

I think that sounds good.

Yeah, I like that.

I think it sounds good.

Yeah, I mean it also sounds terrible.

Yes, but it also sounds good.

Yeah, each individual sounds like

individuals.

If you said that sounds disgusting, then

it also sounds good.

I actually just think the bowl of carrots is the only thing that throws it.

Yeah.

Why?

It's just really out of nowhere.

Like, I can't see a place for it in a meal.

I understand that you have it as a snack around the house.

That makes sense to me.

But at any point during a meal, that would confuse me.

It's a palate cleanser.

I don't mind it.

But I mean,

you can have cooked carrots that are sort of crunchy.

So it's just one step away from that.

They're still crunchy and that goes with your meal.

Yeah, I mean, I guess.

Does it win the greatest meal?

anyone has ever it's it's under consideration

yeah

it's just the carrots that

we're not ruling it out.

Right, right, right.

Thank you for submitting it.

And we've got to eat the meringues.

Yeah.

So we've eaten the meringues and they're really nice.

Yeah.

Benito hasn't had a meringue.

He's not allowed one.

He says he's busy.

Eat a meringue now, Benito.

One now.

He hates meringues.

You can't edit meringue.

You can edit yourself eating it out, but you can keep in Robert's reaction to you eating it.

I think the listener would like to know how Robert feels about you eating meringues.

No, I don't want him to have it.

You're not allowed one.

There we are.

He doesn't like meringues, and that's fair enough.

He likes meringues.

he's going to love it.

He's going to have one on the tube on the way back.

Just open a big box of meringues.

That would be strange.

I've never seen anyone eat a meringue on the tube.

That would be good.

I once saw on the tube a boy, must have been about nine, who was dressed like, do you know, do you ever remember Viz spoiled bastard, little boy, dressed like a spoiled kid?

And his mum sat opposite him as a busy train.

And I saw this, and this boy just was just looking like trouble and and a spoilt boy.

And the mum looked exhausted.

And he had a massive bag of cherries, which is quite a spoiled thing for a child to have, like, holding it there on his lap.

And he was biting into the cherries.

And he chewed to it and he spat the cherry stone across at his mum.

And it would like go on her face or on her top.

She had a side dress on.

And she was really embarrassed.

Everyone was looking.

And he was laugh, roaring.

And he was stuffing another cherry in.

And he kept spitting them at his mum and hit him on the face and the hair.

And that was, you know, five minutes of my drive.

And then I got off, and it was just carrying on.

Wow.

I love that kid.

Yeah.

Cherries is such a spoiled kid, isn't it?

Cherries.

No, mother,

I can't get on the train without my cherry.

Where's my bag?

My bag of cherries for the tube journeys.

Cherries.

When you see kids like that, it's mind-blowing, isn't it?

Yeah.

Get away with that stuff.

Kids these days.

If I spat a chip, it's Cherry Stone.

Yeah.

Well, I got either of my parents.

Yeah.

Game over.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Game over.

It's true.

Game over.

Forget it.

Like,

I'm never having a cherry again as long as I live.

Because you might do that if you're around your parents.

Yeah, they'd be like, we're not giving you any of them, but also we're going to tell you off so bad that you don't even want to eat cherries as an adult because you're just going to think I'm a bad boy.

Kids are a bad boy.

Don't eat cherries, basically.

That's one thing you can take away from this.

It's a lovely way to end the podcast, I think.

Kids, please don't eat cherries.

Yep.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Robert.

Cherry Papa Daddy.

Thank you.

Well, there we are, James.

What a wild ride.

What a fun chat with Robert Popper.

Lovely chat with Robert Popper.

We learned so much about him.

We did.

The wacky world of Robert Popper.

The wacky world of Robert Popper.

The wacky world of Elsie Drake, of course.

The LC Drake of World Brake.

That's not the name of the book.

That's not the name of the book.

Just in case you go searching for that, it's not called The Wacky World of Elsie Drake.

Don't look for that.

The L C Drake letters.

Brackets aged 104 is what the book is called.

It's out now.

So go and buy that from wherever you buy your books.

Absolutely.

And Robert didn't say Robert didn't pick a pot of pickle peppers.

Robert Popper did not pick a pot of pickle peppers.

Robert Popper did not pick a pot of pickled peppers.

No, that's true.

You're good at that, man.

Well, I don't know.

I felt like I was like missing out.

No.

You did it, but when you do it, it always feels like you're on the edge, right?

You always feel like you're riding a wave of words.

I feel like my eyes go into the top of my head and my eyelids start fluttering.

Yes, they did.

Yeah.

like I just go into a trance.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me know what's going on.

Yeah, it was scary.

Don't do that again.

Pretty scary.

I know it was scary.

But he did not do that.

Thank you so much to Robert Popper for coming on.

We will see you next week.

We will see you next week.

We've got to pop a offer.

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