Ep 269: Robert Popper

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Speaker 1 Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Taking the minced beef of conversation, putting it in the bowl of the internet, and eating it like a huge bowl of meat cereal.

Speaker 1 Well, that's it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, simple. Eating mince beef out of a bowl.
Carnivore diet. That is it, Gamble.
My name is James Acaster.

Speaker 1 Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

Speaker 1 And this week our guest is Robert Popper.

Speaker 1 Robert Popper, one of the UK's finest comedy minds, James. Yes, I'd say I first became a fan of Roberts when I watched Look Around You.
Yeah, what a show.

Speaker 1 As a scamp, and then got into the time waster letters, his brilliant books. And of course, a lot of people know Friday Night Dinner and will be huge fans of Friday Night Ran for a very long time.

Speaker 1 Rare in this biz. Very rare, but Robert is, well, he's, I'm going to say it, national treas in terms of the stuff he's produced, James.
Yeah, he is absolutely national trez. He will have...

Speaker 8 Trez?

Speaker 1 Tres, I said. National Trez.

Speaker 1 That's like Tres Leches. Yeah.
Maybe. Puddings aren't far from the brain, are they? Always in there.

Speaker 1 Also, Robert's got a new book now. The El Crake Letters, aged 104.
That's in brackets, aged 104. Elsie Drake is age 104.
Elsie Drake is an alter ego of Roberts.

Speaker 1 He's written loads of real letters to real people

Speaker 1 and absolutely wasted their time in a hilarious way. Some of these is absolutely mad

Speaker 1 what he's had people do and what people have been patient enough to converse with Elsie Drake about. It's so funny.

Speaker 1 If you've not read the Time Waster Letters as well, you should absolutely read these. This, I think, is taking it to the ultimate.

Speaker 1 It's so good. You will laugh throughout.
And also, I really hope Robert talks to us about some of the stories behind these letters because

Speaker 1 I had a brief chat with him about what it was like writing these. And he got himself in quite the pickle on more than one occasion.
Fantastic.

Speaker 1 Well, hopefully he'll tell us about all the pickles and maybe he'll pick pickles. But you've not given him a quote for the book, James.
You do seem to like it. He didn't ask me for a quote.

Speaker 1 I'm quite gutted to see that Greg Davis, Ashley B, formerly Cooper, Matt Lucas, Simon Pegg, Katie Wicks, Richard Iowadi, all of those people were asked for quotes.

Speaker 1 And they've all been on an off-menu apart from Simon Pegg. Yes.
God, this is a good podcast, isn't it?

Speaker 1 What a good podcast. But I wasn't asked.
Unfortunately, if Robert Popper picks

Speaker 1 a

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What has happened to you? What has happened to your voice?

Speaker 1 Benito knows what I wanted to do. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you can do that after. Yes, you definitely should do that.
Yeah. Yeah.
If Robert Popper picks a pot of pickled peppers. Yes.

Speaker 1 That should be the secret ingredient. Yeah, yeah.
So that should be it.

Speaker 1 We were going to say jalapeno poppers because of the surname, but actually, we should say if Robert Popper picks a pot of pickled peppers

Speaker 1 out of the dream restaurant. Oh, no, it's the best one we've ever done.
It's the best one we've ever done.

Speaker 1 But hopefully Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pepper peppers.

Speaker 1 Hopefully

Speaker 1 it's funny. Robert Popper will not pick a pot of pickled peppers.

Speaker 1 Or he's out of the dream restaurant. Well, let's find out if Robert Popper will pick a pot of pickled peppers.

Speaker 1 He might do it. He might do it.
He's got a funny sense of humour. Yeah.
He might be on his way here thinking that'll be funny. Well, let's find out.
This is the off-menu menu of Robert Popper.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Robert, to the dream restaurant. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Robert Popper, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.
Oh, could you do that louder, please?

Speaker 1 Welcome, Robert Popper, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Did you want it louder just to get the full experience? Do you feel like you didn't get the full genius? I just wasn't, I didn't quite get the shock normally when I I listen to it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it just comes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I can see you doing it, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, I wanted a, I didn't get that shot, but I got the shot, I kind of got a shock, a residual shot the second time. Yeah, I think so.
That's the loudest I've ever done, it. Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 Well, like it's a first, that's the first, and as this is the last episode ever of the podcast, you know, it's going to be a podcast, an episode full of firsts, I think.

Speaker 1 We were planning to announce that, Robert. Yeah, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, do you want to explain to the listeners why it's the last ever since you wrote the process? Well, they read the pro they know what you guys said.

Speaker 1 I know, you know, we all know what you said. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whether you agree or not, that's a different thing. I don't want to get involved in that.
But, you know, some of the things you've said, particularly recently,

Speaker 1 meant that this has been, you know. We just think all viewpoints should be aired, regardless of whether we're not going to be able to do that.
I mean, that's one of your attitudes.

Speaker 1 Have you seen Douglas is cancelled? Yeah. No, still not seen it.
Oh, well, there we are.

Speaker 1 No, I haven't. I said, yeah, but I thought it wasn't.

Speaker 1 I thought it was still making it.

Speaker 1 I'm just going meta now. Straight in.

Speaker 1 I thought it was something you'd made up. I'd never heard of it before, so I thought, oh, we're just making stuff up.
Yeah, I thought we're still making it up. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's actually tonight TV show about a man being, and I haven't seen either. Karen Gillen's in it.
Oh,

Speaker 1 shout out to Karen Gillen.

Speaker 1 Big shout out. Yeah, big shout out.
Do you want to shout out any other celebs before we crack? No, no, no, I'm ready now. You sure?

Speaker 1 I'm ready now. You can shout out a celeb if you want.
I mean, what celeb should we do? Just say shout out and then the first celeb that comes into your mind. First celeb, um, Nigel Farage.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Shout out.

Speaker 1 I can't even bring myself to the next one. I mean, that's what you linked to what you said recently.

Speaker 1 Yeah, to be fair. We were talking about the controversial comments that we've made.
Exactly. And apart from this episode, of course, we will be releasing our Christmas special with Nigel.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's going to be roast beef, isn't it?

Speaker 1 For every single course, yeah, just

Speaker 1 including. I mean, roast beef juice for the drink.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 absolutely. We'll have it all mashed up in a bucket or something, you know.
Yeah, horrible. Big old trough.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in a little horse bag. Just found on his nose.
Totally. Disgusting.
He sleeps. Are you a foodie, Robert?

Speaker 1 I am not a foodie. I mean, I like, obviously, here we go.
Everyone says, I like food. Yeah.
I eat food. I exist.

Speaker 1 But my problem is this.

Speaker 1 My problem is most food in the world I don't like. Most food.
Yeah. And I've done a list.
I'm not going to read the list because, I mean, you can have the list at the end because I know.

Speaker 1 One of those foods, because there's so many, will be the food that gets me evicted. Right, okay.
But you're allowed to, you would be allowed to mention it it's just as long as it's not on your menu

Speaker 1 oh okay okay well i'll i'll dig it out later maybe yeah yeah yeah okay okay

Speaker 1 there is a list because you made a list of food that you don't like well i i've always wanted to do this list because my wife said it's ridiculous there's nothing you like and i go i know there's nothing i like because when i go to a restaurant i see people going oh i could have that and i'm like right well i can't have that i can't have that what can i have i could have that oh it's got that in it oh i can't have that oh i'll have that then and that then so it's sort of you know 40 pleasure but 60 stress but the list of things you don't like they're sort of fairly common things that crop up in a lot of oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but when you say can't have that is it because diet yeah like you're in the

Speaker 1 i could eat anything yeah you know i mean i'll eat wood yeah

Speaker 1 i can't eat glass no um uh you know fish anything fish anything in the sea

Speaker 1 i can't do that one don't like it that's quite a plain ordinary thing not to like isn't it or not i think a lot of people don't like fish yeah i think that's fair i've met people who don't like fish before or people who don't like fish if it's too fishy yeah any anything any people go to what about smoked salmon i go that's fish yeah and they go

Speaker 1 on no that's fully blanket no yeah nothing in the sea yeah for taste and weirdness reasons what what what's weird they're just weird aren't they fish you know just see yeah i remember the first time i went snorkeling i mean i had a snorkel on it was in antique

Speaker 1 and i couldn't when i went under i saw you know thousands of fish and it was like, fucking hell, this is going on. All this shit's going on while we're up here.
It's got a whole different universe.

Speaker 1 It's an outrage, basically. And I just, that was one of the extra things.
I can't eat them. They're too weird.
They're just like, yeah, it's just like they're alien. They're kind of alien and weird.

Speaker 1 See, that's interesting that your reaction to realizing there's a whole other universe going on down there wasn't, wow, that's amazing. It was amazing.

Speaker 1 But then no one told me this, this much was going on everywhere. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fish everywhere, like jellyfish yeah i don't know there might be a shark here i don't it was just so much going on meanwhile we're just out of the water we're living and they've got their stuff there yeah like properly intense living yeah and yeah that kind of blew my mind but that but then only angered me a little bit it was a bit of an outrage

Speaker 1 yeah it was a bit of an outrage and that meant you didn't want to eat them because definitely cemented my i can't eat these these because of how much is going on yeah And that's fairly like, if you're snorkeling, that's just there, right there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right? That's what I mean. Right there.

Speaker 1 But what do you think about there's bits of the ocean that humans have never even explored and no one really knows what's going on down there well you mean the ones where david attenborough pretends to be in the thing going to the bottom yeah the alien i need them i need them those alien fish well

Speaker 1 the ones with the lights on the head

Speaker 1 the ones with the lights on head yeah

Speaker 1 what do i think about i well that's an outrageous it's all an outrage the ocean yeah it's just an outrage isn't it really i think we'd all agree with that well i mean i mean that i don't know i i think if fish found out what we were up to yeah I don't know I think no

Speaker 1 dry land they'd be more outmaneuvered than us when we find out what they're up to I think they wouldn't get much time to process it because as soon as they're on dry land that's it that's it isn't it yeah maybe that's why maybe they could breathe but they're just so shocked they maybe die maybe yeah we'll never know they just die of shock yeah a lot of the time this gasping yeah maybe it's that maybe it's shock yeah yeah

Speaker 1 they can't see all the stuff we're doing and they saw a podcast yeah that would be just too much well also that sounds it sounds a bit like a fishing thing thing, doesn't it?

Speaker 1 A podcast. What about that? That's a good one.
A podcast. That's a good one, eh? A podcast.
Have you ever thought about doing one about them, like a spin-off often

Speaker 1 about that? That's not a podcast. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Think about it.
Just talk about fish every time

Speaker 1 and what's going on down there. Yeah, and the meals you could make, you know.
You wouldn't be a guest or that one because you famously don't like fish. I'd be a bad guest.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, before we get into your proper menu and talk about food, we must talk about the Elsie Drake letters because this is very exciting.

Speaker 1 For those who don't know, you've been writing books for quite a while. Absolutely, I'd say every comedian of my generation has read and loved your Time Waster Letters.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 And they're like a big part of the comedy furniture. Furniture? Furniture? Furniture.
Furniture. That's all I've got

Speaker 1 for comedians of our age. Do you want to talk about let listeners know what the Elsie Drake Letters is? What the idea is? Thank you, James.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, I did these stupid books, The Time Waster Letters, years ago, pretending to be a man called Robin Cooper.

Speaker 1 And I wrote to stupid British, like, hobby groups, I don't know, the National Table Tennis Association or whatever. And when I finished doing them, I loved it so much I wanted to do more.

Speaker 1 And I thought of a different character years ago. And I started piddling around with her for a bit.

Speaker 1 Her name's Elsie Drake. She's 104.
I'm the sixth oldest woman in Britain. And she's just been given a computer, so it's sort of chaos.
She doesn't really know how to use it.

Speaker 1 And I started doing them for fun.

Speaker 1 I wrote to tony blair got signed to elsie wishing you better i think she broke her ankle or something and then i put it away and i kept doing it for a bit over the years and then last year i suddenly thought you know what i'm gonna write this finish this book so i wrote hundreds of letters i always put a five pound note in all the letters cost me a fortune so they write back you know out guilt and i wrote to you know lots and lots of different people I did quite a lot of food-based things.

Speaker 1 So she'd write to Greg, she, me, and making pies. So I did a pie, which was, I think, can't remember what it was, but I think it had tuna, suet, right?

Speaker 1 Tuna, I had to handle tuna, suet, and I think it has kidney and a piece of banana in it. And I made these pies, they're called priest's fingers.
So that was my great-grandma used to make them.

Speaker 1 My wife would come and go, what is that smell? Oh, I'm making these pies. Okay.
And then I'd package them up. I'd write to Greg, say, would you stock these? They're delicious.

Speaker 1 And I'd go to the post office. They'd always say, what's in the envelope? I just have to say socks or something.

Speaker 1 you know, for a cousin. They don't know.
There's like a disgusting stinking pie. And they'd write back, we don't want that.
And then I'd do another pie. And then from Wimpy, I made like burgers.

Speaker 1 She loves Wimpy Burgers so much that we had a Wimpy party to raise money for Wimpy.

Speaker 1 I see my wife didn't know as she came home to find out what I'd done was I'd put like a little table in the garden and adorned it with Union Jack flags with signs saying Wimpy Burgers one pound each.

Speaker 1 And I made Wimpy Burgers out of there's an old mince we had in the fridge I used that I bulked it out with spaghetti carrots big pieces of carrots cooked that in the in the in the oven and then with two pieces of white bread buttered on top and I laid them out on dishes and she said you know the neighbors can see

Speaker 1 that they get up send that so it's a lot of meat and food yeah and it's all about her life and she lives with this mad woman called mrs hale who they clearly hate each other there's a lot of tit for tat like there's a lot of like when she wasn't looking i poured ink in her bed and stuff like this but people write back probably a bit through guilt but um yeah and that's the book do you find it easier to get responses when you're a 104 year old woman do you feel like i found it really hard because people just don't write letters so i had to write i wrote 644 letters for the book i was like most mad my exercise was walking to the post box with like 20 letters and jobping them in with five pounds sometimes sometimes though just occasionally i put 35 pounds in and i say i mean it's it's closing 35 pounds is that enough please don't send us any more money okay the sort of the maddest one was I wrote to Theresa May when she was prime minister in 2018 when I did a big block of these and I said I want to be your maid in waiting and they're like whatever that is you know I'll do the maid stuff I'm your maid in waiting and talks about how her and her friend Bessie Bates used to who's 99 and used to clear up these um this old house and it was full of rats and maggots it's foul and she gets abscesses and things like that.

Speaker 1 Anyway, and I send money and they write back, thank you very much. We don't need a maid in waiting for Theresa May and please, you know, don't send any money.

Speaker 1 And I write again, I think I wrote three times. Anyway, I was out at a meeting and my wife phones, sorry, to interrupt me to can I talk to you a second shorter.
Just had to knock at the door.

Speaker 1 I opened the doors, two police officers.

Speaker 1 We've been sent by 10 Downing Street, Theresa May's office. Yes.
Is there a lady here called Mrs. Elsie Drew?

Speaker 1 This is the first of quite a lot of visits by the way and she said

Speaker 1 sort of why said oh they concerned there's a very old maybe confused lady who's been sending money wanting to be her maid and keeping and my wife had to say oh that's my husband he's a comedy writer

Speaker 1 oh okay okay then all right so it's a comedy writer okay and then they left and then we had another visit from the police off Gry Road to, I can't remember where it was, it's somewhere like Blenheim Palace, saying on 104,

Speaker 1 I'm planning a very big party to celebrate my 110th birthday in six years time

Speaker 1 110 and we had the police around for that no fact that wasn't the police this is the worst one that was social services social services turn up our house and they said hello i'm here from social services assessment team we just saw the kids and go why we we reason to believe there's a 104 year old woman in this house and we need to check her safety and I had to go I'm a comedy writer my name's Robert Popper she said can I see your ID I got ID'd in my own house

Speaker 1 and I said do you want to come in she goes yes because I need to check every single room and cupboard in the house for this old lady okay so I led her around the whole house and I opened every cupboard and she said at the end you proved to me that you do not have a local LC Draper's homeful living house and I said do you want a copy of the book when it's house said no thank you

Speaker 1 there's just loads of visits yeah I'm glad that it's reassuring that they are doing their job yeah that's what I mean yeah people were very kind yeah that's what I say they were they were kind I got a lot of gifts, which I go to charity.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was, you know, flowers, lots of flowers. Yeah.
It all leads up to a wedding. She meets a man called Mr.
Ralph Groberts, who's 100, a younger man. And

Speaker 1 people get invited to a wedding and I got flowers. Penny Morden sent loads of food.

Speaker 1 The head of Land Rover wanted to pay for all the transport to the wedding and I got flowers from him. It's insane.
Oh, my God. It was insane.

Speaker 1 You'd be an amazing fraudster if you ever ever want to stop doing books.

Speaker 1 Maybe I shall be. You can be as ludicrous as you like and people will.
Exactly. You know, maybe I should do it for bad rather than almost good.
That's what I'm doing it now for.

Speaker 1 We always start with still a sparkling water. Oh, really? I don't know.
I haven't heard this. How does it work?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm not the first to say sparkling is awful. Sure.
I mean, it's just... ridiculous.
It's not, that shouldn't be. That's not a drink, is it? Really? I think it is a drink.
But it is a drink.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, it is a drink. Yeah.
but it shouldn't be served as a drink

Speaker 1 because to me first of all it tastes like uh like if you've left a 2p in the water for a few days and the bubbles are just oxidizing like the metal oxidizing and they're like this is science now oxidizing bubble that's what it tastes like so when you drink it it almost hurts your mouth yes i'm gonna say it's just you know that's all it's painful it's like a like an elastic band hitting the top of your roof of your mouth

Speaker 1 have you ever had that i had an elastic band hit the roof of my mouth never before no no i don't think i no i haven't but i imagine it's just it's just nasty i'm wondering if at school you know when people fire rubber bands around the classroom whether i ever opened my mouth and one went in oh that would be

Speaker 1 proper bingo that would be that would be perfect proper bingo proper bulls even let's say bingo now in darts no it's proper bingo mate i think it's it is bingo now definitely

Speaker 1 yeah they change if it gets

Speaker 1 they changed they modernize the game they have uh they read out numbers that they and all the darts players have a card. And if they hit all of their numbers, then it's proper bingo.
108180,

Speaker 1 whatever that is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can't even do it. Whatever that is.
Whatever that is.

Speaker 1 It seems like you don't like things where there's too much going on under the surface. Yeah.
So the ocean, sparkling water. Well,

Speaker 1 I suddenly remember talking about sparkling water.

Speaker 1 When I was about 12. And when I said the sentence out to my wife, I realized there's something weird in it.
But we, our neighbours, lent us a soda stream. That's weird, isn't it?

Speaker 1 And it was in our lounge on the like cabinet, like prior to place. And my mum said, don't touch that.
That's Roy and Ann's.

Speaker 1 She passed a driving test on her 13th time and crashed into our wall. So you're not to play with that.
Obviously, I play with that. Coca-Cola syrup is foul.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 my dad used it to make fizzy water when they had like guests around because it was kind of quite suburban, isn't it? That's what they did. It's cheaper.

Speaker 1 I don't know what they traded it in for or when they gave it, what the agreement was. You can have it for a month, or we have to come round and use it.

Speaker 1 But I made,

Speaker 1 I wanted to know what fizzy milk tastes like. Of course.
Is that a thing? Look, have you done that? That's what everyone wants to know. I think when I was a kid, I thought, what would fizzy?

Speaker 1 You think about that, right?

Speaker 1 Do you remember? Well, I don't think I ever did it. No, well, I did it.
Yeah. Yeah, and it is bad.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's bad. And it bubbles up quite thick.

Speaker 1 And my mum found me and I got in like a lot of trouble for that. She clogged it up and said, Roy and Ann are going to be living.

Speaker 1 living yeah roy and they're going to be yeah he did have a temper yeah yeah

Speaker 1 because someone one of my parents friends commented on his wife's driving once which so

Speaker 1 she was bad she was really bad yeah passing the 13th time

Speaker 1 13th time and he said something to her like probably learned to drive so it's my parents friend who was coming around and then got knock on the door and it was roy and he had like he clearly had some anger issue and he was like fucking man yeah it was going to be a fight there wasn't a fight but there was almost a fight yeah he had a temper yeah Again, something bubbling beneath the surface.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah.
Just like

Speaker 1 the ocean and almost sparkling water. Yeah, Roy's the ocean.
So you're having still water. I'm having still water, yeah.
Anything in it?

Speaker 1 Salt, maybe, Roberts?

Speaker 1 Like in that programme. I'm going to have tap water.
Seriously, though, you did that, though, as a kid. Yeah.
You and your brother. Yeah, we did.
Yeah. Yeah, we did.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was water was used a lot. You can ruin a meal easily.
Yeah. Just a glass of water in the plate.
It's gone. You know, it's dead.
That's what Johnny's, my brother Johnny's, that's what he used to do.

Speaker 1 Just pour your water.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we also did a weird thing. When I had a bit more hair,

Speaker 1 we used to pull bits of our hair out and we would put them in my dad's glass of water sometimes. Yeah.
For when we had a Friday night dinner. It was just our weird, horrible joke.

Speaker 1 And we never told him what we were doing. And you would see him like halfway through the meals just going,

Speaker 1 like picking his tongue, like, what?

Speaker 1 What is in my water?

Speaker 1 And that was our private joke for a long time. Yeah, that's disgusting.
That's bad, isn't it? That's a good trick, is what I think. That is a good trick.
You like that? Yeah, yeah. You should try it.

Speaker 1 I will try that. Don't do that.

Speaker 1 You could do it on James. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He wouldn't like that.

Speaker 1 Poplobs or bread. Poplobs or bread, Robert Popper.
Poplobs or bread.

Speaker 1 Okay, I...

Speaker 1 Pop a dumbs for Italian, bread for curry. I will have bread, actually.

Speaker 1 I want a specific type of bread. I'm going to take a step back.
Right, because I don't like

Speaker 1 much food, mulsed food, I said, because I don't like mulsed food,

Speaker 1 it's really hard to choose like your dream, dream meal.

Speaker 1 So I think the feel of my meal should feel more like a meal I'd enjoy if I was in a dream. I think it's a bit like that.
Okay. You know,

Speaker 1 like, because I... You see people that go, oh, I had the most beautiful, my brother, the most amazing meal.
Oh, it was amazing. Shows me pictures of his food.

Speaker 1 I'm never like, I like, yeah, I had a really nice, it was nice, but I can't even remember what the best meal I ever had is. So I'm just going to go on.
I would enjoy that.

Speaker 1 And I'd probably enjoy the weirdness of the meal as well. So that's going to be my dream restaurant.
Is this less of a dream meal, more of a meal dream? It's both.

Speaker 1 It's like a meal I could have in a dream and go, oh, I had the best dream ever. And the meal was amazing.
Listen to what I had and where it was.

Speaker 1 And then the person I'm telling to, because dreams aren't interesting, go, oh, wow, amazing. But I would feel like that was the best meal I ever had.

Speaker 1 Because you couldn't go into a restaurant and have like this setting and these choices. So what?

Speaker 1 First of all, I'm going to have a toaster on my, on my, first of all, I want a a toaster on my, on my, on my, on my table. That's called a table, isn't it? Yeah,

Speaker 1 table. It's your dream.
Yeah. Call it what you like.
They have them in dreams as well. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you've dreamt about a table.

Speaker 1 We all dream about tables and dreams. But I don't think even a dream, a table would never stay a table, I don't think.
You're right. Because you look down and then it's something completely different.

Speaker 1 You're right.

Speaker 1 That's the thing about dreams, isn't it? Yeah. They're not considered.
They change.

Speaker 1 They do. They do all the time.
What are we on? We're on bread, aren't we? Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a Jewish bread called chola. Don't know if you've ever had it.
Platted bread. Yeah.
That's my my favorite bread. It's beautiful.
Yeah. Toasted, best thing in the world.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to have, I want my own toaster. I'll tell you why, because people don't know how to toast it because it's got a sugar in it and it burns.
Right. Right.
And I know how to do it.

Speaker 1 Low setting. I want my own toaster.
I want the loaf and I'll cut it and I'll have, I'll eat half a loaf. Toasted butter.
Beautiful. What's the secret to toasting it?

Speaker 1 Just cut the bread, put it in the toaster, turn the toast low. the toaster low.
Yeah. It's done.

Speaker 1 Are you good at it to the extent that you can just put it on the low setting and no i want it done or are you checking

Speaker 1 lots of checking yeah and also turning it off at the mains putting spoons in and pulling them out when you it's all fucked up yes yeah of course thank you for you do that as well i don't think you're safe and turning off you do that thing with the spoons and you just think it is off isn't it the toaster yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah if i want to check the toaster i'll probably just hit the cancel button but i mean if it gets stuck in the toaster yeah yeah yeah i don't normally just put it on and then turn it off and stick the spoons in i do know that like i know the lever works yeah it gets stuck in like bent because it's quite a a floppy bread.

Speaker 1 I'll just tip the toaster upside down and just sort of bash

Speaker 1 it.

Speaker 1 So what's the dream aspect of this one then? Dream aspect probably hasn't started yet. No, not yet.
No. Because this is just a bit, this is sort of the pre-meal bit, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Just a bit of a bit of toast, bit of toast, just you know, a bit of bread, toast. I mean, I'm allowed toast on it.
Yeah, I'm allowed. That's bread.
You are. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is easing me into the meal. Yeah.
Because, you know, you get the roll, they bring around the rolls and things. Yeah.
And they have seeds on, they don't want those.

Speaker 1 They have nuts and don't eat nuts. Or they'll say, this is our tomato bread.
Tomato tomato. Yeah.
That's just

Speaker 1 not food, is it? Tomato bread. Tomato bread.
That's just words, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Tomato bread. Do you not like seeds on the bread? Not really, no.
No. And nuts? No, I don't like nuts, any nuts.
Coconuts, that's not a nut. Or is it a nut?

Speaker 1 Is it naturally?

Speaker 1 You wouldn't get a bag of coconuts, would you? A sack of coconuts? Yeah, you got these from a Tesco's. On one of those things behind the bar in the pub, clipped up.
Yeah, I'll follow them.

Speaker 1 199 so try roasted coconuts please but you like coconut but you don't like nuts no i like coconut but you don't like nuts no i don't like nuts they always say um as i asked if it has nuts in and they always say are you allergic every time i'd say um no i just don't like nuts do you ever get any like attitude back when they're like yeah you don't like nuts why don't you like nuts i don't like the taste i really like your list of your list of things you don't like is it's whole categories as well so you're not you're not specific about it so it's like fish nuts they're just all gone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're gone. It's sad.
Because I could be enjoying life more. Yeah, yeah.
I think so.

Speaker 1 We'll get into your menu proper now then. So now we're entering the dream.
I'd say the toaster on the table has a... It has a Dali-esque quality to it, one would say.
Slightly offbeat, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, we could have it that it's not even plugged in at the main. So you can, but it's still

Speaker 1 works and you can put the

Speaker 1 whatever you like in there. I love it.
And you'll be fine. Yeah, no mains, just dream power.
It kind of gallops along the table like a little horse. Yeah.
Lovely. Yeah.
We'll do that. Great.

Speaker 1 It's a horse toaster. It's your dream starter.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You won't be surprised. I don't want a starter, okay? I'm going to have a starter, but I don't like starters.
There's no need. I will eat food.
There is going to be a meal in this episode. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I don't like starters.

Speaker 1 I don't see the point. I think a meal is you have your main, you get that done, and then you get your reward, which is dessert.
Yes. And you do, yes.

Speaker 1 You do not need a starter. You don't have a starter at home when you sit down and you have a starter.
I have a starter and then I'll have a main.

Speaker 1 I just don't.

Speaker 1 If I have a takeaway, I have a starter.

Speaker 1 What starters do you have? Well, it depends what takeaway I get. So I've got to...

Speaker 1 If you have a curry, do you have a starter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. An onion bargee? Okay.
Yeah, I get an onion barge or a prawn purri. And I'll, this does

Speaker 1 a normal wife's because she puts everything all on the same plate. Oh, I like that.
And I'll, we'll put it all out in the kitchen.

Speaker 1 Say we're having a curry and I've got onion barge, maybe a prawn purri. I'll put that on a plate, go through to the other room, eat it.
They'll be like, oh, I've had my starter now.

Speaker 1 Then I go back to the kitchen and serve myself myself. Oh, okay.
No, that is pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good.
Yeah. I do have a starter at home, yeah.

Speaker 1 You seem to find every bit of that amusing, Robert, when you were listening to that.

Speaker 1 You were really.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm just telling me that again.
I'm painting you a picture of my home life. I'll do it with a different.
So if I get Turkish food, I'll get halloumi. Oh, I like halloumi.

Speaker 1 I'll get put that on the plate. I'll go through to the other room.
I'll eat the halloumi and you'll be in the middle of

Speaker 1 your

Speaker 1 mineral. You separate the thing.

Speaker 1 And you go, you actually move locations.

Speaker 1 Right. So you won't bring the main in with.
What rooms are you going from to?

Speaker 1 Food is in the bathroom. Food's in the kitchen.
Okay. And then I'll go through to the sitting room.

Speaker 1 I'll eat the food there. But you've got a dining table in your kitchen, though.
Is this where you watch in front of the TV? TV. Oh, okay.
TV.

Speaker 1 He loves the TV. He loves the TV.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to sit in the kitchen inside. So you go in and watch your soaps that you like.
Oh, yeah, soaps, yeah.

Speaker 1 Two curries on a Wednesday,

Speaker 1 yeah. Yeah.
Back to back. Yeah.
Yeah. And I'll eat my starter.
And then you'll walk in. And then I'll go to the kitchen and I'll get

Speaker 1 the rest of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. My kitchen, you can't sit and eat anything anyway.
It's a small kitchen. But then why don't you take it all in then into the TV room and then just dish it out?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just take it all into the TV room because we've got a little table in there. So I just put it all on there.
I don't want to dish out in the same place that I don't know.

Speaker 1 I know what you mean as well. It's a harmon that.

Speaker 1 Just don't have a starter.

Speaker 1 No starter. You don't need a starter.
Problem solved. But if I had a starter, okay, if I had a starter.
You don't have to have one. No, no, no.
I've been thinking it through. I would have soup.

Speaker 1 I like soup. I like chicken soup.
I like vegetable soup. But it's weird.
I can't really have soup in a restaurant. I feel it's kind of, it makes you look quite vulnerable.

Speaker 1 You know, just like it ages you 30 years, first of all, just a hot soup and everyone's looking at you with your soup.

Speaker 1 So that's more like something you have at home with your partner and it's cold and you go nice soup and it was lovely soup. Let your guard down.
Yeah, and you're just having lovely.

Speaker 1 You just talk about the soups. Lovely soup.
That was lovely. I'd have that.
Yeah. But in a restaurant, I don't want to have soup.
What about it makes you feel vulnerable, do you think?

Speaker 1 And why do you think everyone's looking at you while you have your soup? I just always feel when I have a soup in a restaurant that I just look, you know, I just look older.

Speaker 1 I look, you know, what am I now? 26?

Speaker 1 I just feel like it just makes you look like an old person having a soup in a restaurant. It's not a good look.
I think people pity the soup drinker. That's what I think.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I'd say. I think it's pity.
Do you have the natural drink? I could choose if no one's there then, couldn't I? You choose, you could have no one there.

Speaker 1 Or you could eat, you know, like the autolines thing that french dish where they eat it under a blanket because they're so ashamed by how disgusting it looks what is that this is tiny little bird yeah they don't want they don't want god to see them eating this tiny little bird yeah what's wrong with the bird well it's just so small and beautiful that it's like considered a shameful thing to eat because it's delicious but it's like a whole little bird

Speaker 1 they're eating it whole so they put a blanket over the head so god can't see them eat it and it's it's cooked it's a cooked bird yeah i think well i've never seen it but they eat it whole they eat i think the beak and everything, yeah.

Speaker 1 And this is a thing now. This happens now.
I think it's more of a thing in the past. Right.
It was on succession, right? As well. Yeah, they did it on succession.
Oh, actually, not that one.

Speaker 1 They've put a succession where Tom Womsgans does it. But you could do that with soup.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I think people look at me even more. I know they would be looking at me.
Yeah. Do you cut the napkin into your collar? I can't do that.
Yeah, that's too. Do you put a napkin? It's demeaning.

Speaker 1 It is demeaning, but yeah, I do do it. But I know what I'd have.
Okay. Before dinner at home, around six, I always get a bit peckish, peckish, hungry, you know, that word.

Speaker 1 And I will have a bowl of cereal.

Speaker 1 This is my drink. This is what I want.
Yeah, that's your drink. You're allowed here.

Speaker 1 I'm going to have it. I'm going to have a bowl of cereal.
I'm going to have a bowl, right? With 50% corn flakes, they're going first. 50% rice krispies.

Speaker 1 It's fucking mad, but I'm going to have this. Is it what you do? Yeah.
Honey. Yeah.
I don't want it served with the thing

Speaker 1 that shaped the wooden thing with the thing that looks like, you know, like bees at the end and it drips everywhere.

Speaker 1 Squeezy honey on it cold oat milk yeah and i want that now in terms of soup i really enjoy that soup ages you say he is yeah does cereal have the opposite effect i think that's a good point yeah for every young it would not it would knock a month off yeah yeah

Speaker 1 no one's no one's going to be looking yeah but i could choose who's there if not if you know could i have a button like you know when you see sometimes it says call for champagne in those could i have a button and it changes the people yeah yeah

Speaker 1 so who do you want

Speaker 1 i know who I want, yes, yeah, yeah. Because I saw these people in a restaurant.
I had a meal about five years ago with Tom Rosenthal and Simon Burr from Friday night dinner.

Speaker 1 We had a disgusting meal somewhere. All the food was awful.
It was brilliant. And sitting at a table about four away from us was Alistair Campbell, you know, the Labour, with Mick Hucknell.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They were together. They were together having dinner.

Speaker 1 So I want them. But like every table has them, like 20 tables

Speaker 1 all there eating, having different conversations.

Speaker 1 But I i can't quite hear them i don't know if they're talking about politics or music and it's quite annoying but interesting and i'll have them there and they can watch me eat so 20 tables of mech hucknill yeah

Speaker 1 yeah yeah i want that while i'm having my cereal just so i can tell people afterwards i had the freakiest meal yeah i had cereal and 20 replica mech hucknalls and alastair campbells were watching me eat are they moving in sink are they all no they're not moving in single they're all having their own yeah they don't even know they don't see themselves and go that's me yeah they're just in like their own little void, having different conversations.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can never quite hear them. Yeah, I wonder what they were doing together.
I don't know. Maybe Mick Huckman was the original instead.

Speaker 1 He was supposed to do the rest as politics instead of Rory Stewart. Yeah, that was the original meeting.
Yeah, could have been. Yeah, it could have been that, couldn't it? Could have been that, yeah.

Speaker 1 Would it be more successful or less successful? I feel like it's the opposing

Speaker 1 Labour conservative that makes that show work. And you can't have both of them being simply read.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 beautiful. I mean, beautiful.

Speaker 1 that was i mean come on if this was live yeah that would be the that would be it wouldn't it that would go mad and then someone would heckle something about 15 seconds later that's not quite as funny yeah explaining we're trying yeah a simply red song yeah yeah that doesn't quite work yeah the name yeah i can't think what that is fairground yeah yeah that definitely doesn't work

Speaker 1 that joke was fair ground yeah

Speaker 1 the bowl of cereal you say 50-50 because it's a dream yeah we can make anything happen do you want the divide to happen horizontally or vertically? Do you want it? No, I'm going to go horizontal.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. I would want a vertical.
But how do you do that? Well, it's a dream. You may as well just have two bars.

Speaker 1 We can make this happen for you that you've got like half and half like from the top.

Speaker 1 Well, saying that, when me and Peter, Sarah Finnevich, used to write Look Around You, our treat at the end of the day was we buy a Mars bar, right? And we cut it in half vertically.

Speaker 1 and call it a Vase bar. And that was our treat.
So maybe in honor of that, I should do this. You know, have it vertical.
I love the insanity that people go through when they're running.

Speaker 1 Come on, you know, you know what it's like.

Speaker 1 It was our vase bar. We'd have it one a day.
He did a thing which was something like, all the fun of a Mars in a mist. It's like a Mars spray that you spray into your mouth.

Speaker 1 What does it if a Mars a day helps you work, rest and play, right? Work, rest and pray.

Speaker 1 Just wondering what a vase did. Yeah, what does a vase do? Oh God.
Work, vest, and face. I don't know what it is.

Speaker 1 John,

Speaker 1 I could work out what it rhymes with.

Speaker 1 You've got to leave this in. This is no way coming out.
You've got to leave this. I just don't know, James.
No.

Speaker 1 I don't know the answer to that. I don't have a funny answer to that.
Yeah. It's okay.
Joe, what? I think it takes a grown-up to admit that. It's very much true.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 I wish I'm a good hobby writer. Yeah, but you've admitted.
Failure. I'm stumped.
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Speaker 1 Your dream main course. Yeah, my dream main course.

Speaker 1 So my dream main course is it's like it's a it's something I like and it's not this is normal. You know

Speaker 1 so again we're still not really in this this dream that you're talking about is mainly applying to the guests. Well now I'm

Speaker 1 the restaurant is the setup of my grandma's old tiny flat. Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
So you press the button. I press the button.
Yeah. The big huggins are they're like and kind of they're like eviscerated.

Speaker 1 They vanished. They're either eviscerated.
I don't know if they're eviscerated, but they're gone. Maybe they're eviscerated.
Maybe they are, maybe we don't know, but they're gone.

Speaker 1 And now it's my grandma, who I loved. She was great.
And in a tiny flat, I'm in a tiny flat now. And my grandma was like insane.

Speaker 1 And I can do her voice. So like, I mean, I could phone my mum up and she would have long chats with me.
And it's perfect. I would even phone my grandma sometimes and talk back to her in her voice.

Speaker 1 And her brain would go, what?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 she escaped from the Nazis basically and came over here. So and she spoke, she spoke like this.
It's wonderful to be here.

Speaker 1 Wonderful. This isn't strange that I'm talking like this now.

Speaker 1 That's my grandma. So I'm going to be in her flat and she's going to serve me my favorite comfort meal when I went there.
It was either meatballs, which are on the list. Don't like them.

Speaker 1 That was bad because they were big. Don't like them.
No, do you like meatballs? Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 because they were big. Is that why?

Speaker 1 But there's more of them. So there's meatballs.
Or you get the good one, which was so she had this tiny, tiny little kitchen, tiny. And if you took one step in there, she'd go, no, go away, go away,

Speaker 1 leave me, go inside.

Speaker 1 She didn't want you in the kitchen. It was tiny.
No, it's not nice. Don't sit down, go, go.
It's not nice. So you sit down and then she'd wheel the trolley through.
There'd be a trolley.

Speaker 1 And she used to make, she'd have this like cast iron saucepan and she make these like square steaks. and she'd cook them in, I don't know, it must be in East European, like loads of paprika and flour.

Speaker 1 There'd be like a crust

Speaker 1 and she make these little uh potatoes she'd boil them and then she'd cook them in with a steak and I have them and green beans that was my meal yeah and while I'd eat them she'd say to me why are you not eating the meat I said well I'm saving it to the end no you should eat the goods thing first what if a bomb or if you have to escape

Speaker 1 well okay hopefully there won't be a bomb I have to escape so it was kind of like a sort of third generation Holocaust trauma meal dream that's what it is at the moment yeah

Speaker 1 but what I want. Okay, so first of all, that's a very nice memory.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but also she would sometimes, and she did this regularly to me and my brother Johnny, she'd go, she'd be in the kitchen, she'd come out and she'd have an onion in her hand, peeled.

Speaker 1 Do you like an onion? So sorry, would you like an onion? What to eat? Raw? Yes. No, thank you.
Why? You don't like them? To me, it is like a juicy apple.

Speaker 1 And then she would eat the onion in front of us.

Speaker 1 And me and my brother would be watching this very elderly, short, quite tan lady with dyed blonde hair eat an onion from beginning to end in front of us. That's a power move is what that is.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, it is a power move. Intimidating.
Would she maintain eye contact as well for the whole thing? It was put full eye contact while the horse racing was playing on the TV behind.

Speaker 1 Mimi and Marglees does that. What's that? Eats a full onion.
Does she really? Yeah, yeah. She mentioned it on this podcast.

Speaker 1 Wow, maybe she's my grandmother.

Speaker 1 That would be a real twist. That would be a twist.
Maybe Margulies could be your grandmother. Even though my grandma's not alive.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 and you know what your grandma looked like yeah so it's it's definitely not a good like yeah what do you want so you must have a you can ask her you've got a contact leader hasn't you

Speaker 1 yeah we'll ask her do you want to ask her now you could you could do it you know you went on the on your phone before you could do yeah i could just text margly's robert poppers grandmother yeah who she'd probably answer yeah well is it just a cut of steak is it like square a square cut of steak it was square i don't know what meat i mean i know what meat it was it was beef yeah uh it wasn't horse and um it was just a square juicy piece of meat with loads of paprika yeah it's quite sort of spicy-ish had this crust on it oh it was delicious yeah you really love the crust yeah

Speaker 1 the crust made your eyes i mean i can cook an ice steak and it doesn't have a crust on it but this was the only one i had have you ever had a steak that has a crust on it like with flour no it's nice yeah

Speaker 1 it was really nice yeah i've never had it but like i haven't even heard of it before but both times you've mentioned the crust and you've been like yeah yeah because i hadn't thought about it i was thinking what well what will i eat what food i eat so much chicken.

Speaker 1 I can't eat chicken. Oh, this.
Yeah, I'll have this. Yeah.
With her watching me, telling me to hurry up before the bomb. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a real generational way of thinking about the order you should eat your food. Yeah, have you heard that one before? Have the good stuff first.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I was told, save the best stuff till last. I was told.
But my mum always used to do that. She said when she was a kid, save the good stuff till last.

Speaker 1 But then there were like loads of other kids at the table. So they just lean over and nick it when she was saving it.
That doesn't feel fair, does it? It's not fair. It's a cruel world.

Speaker 1 It is a cruel world. But I still did it.
I still stuck to it. Grandma was, she was like obsessed with when I was little, like three, because I didn't eat anything like today.

Speaker 1 So she would try to make me eat.

Speaker 1 And she used to give me, I remember this, I haven't had it since. I was fat already.
Ribena and milk. Oh.
That is what I'd be given.

Speaker 1 And she would try and make me drink that because she thought it's got sugar in and milk and it's good for you. And if I was really unlucky, she makes an egg in it.
So it'd be ribena, milk, and an egg.

Speaker 1 That's what I got. You've had more weird milk experiments than most people I've met.
You're right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 right yeah you've had milk every which way I have yeah like beana and milk it also it curdles yeah oh my god it's foul it's interesting that it curdles but you don't want to then drink no you don't want to then drink and I imagine the egg binds it some way but tastes even worse yeah it was sort of browny purple drink yeah which is not never a good colour really oh my gosh do you like milk these days no

Speaker 1 no that's on the list that's on the list you got the oat milk oat milk it's oat milk I'm an oat milk man yeah I'm a media milk man you know it's a media drink isn't it oat milk oat milk yeah all grey with oat milk that's what i have that's that's not good is it that's my tea of choice i think it's i mean it's good

Speaker 1 for someone who's very picky about food earl grey is quite surprising it's quite nice quite jazzy i think i've gone off normal tea now it's not on the list we used to do a shot when we were teenagers which curdled you do a shot of bailey's into your mouth hold it in your mouth then uh a quarter shot of lime juice in there and then shake your head around and it curdles in your mouth called a cement mixer how would you see it you'd feel the bits it curdling oh that's foul yeah yeah did it when he he was a teenager?

Speaker 1 Yeah. The cement mixer.
Well, me and my friends, we invented a drink that I think is worse. It's called a tomento, and it's tomato juice and creme de month.
And that curdles, and that is foul.

Speaker 1 And we were writing something years ago, and we came up with that's the drink of their choice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then we went after about five years later, we met up. We've never had one.
We went to a pub in Soho, the Jon Snow. We went, normal pub, went in there.

Speaker 1 Come on, you say, you said, hello, a pot of lager, please. And a tomento.

Speaker 1 The guy was just landlords just chatting to people. Sorry, what was that? Tominto.
What's that?

Speaker 1 Tomato juice and crende multi. He goes, okay.

Speaker 1 He just poured the tomato juice and leant over, did the shot of crendom at 160, please, years ago. And it was this brownie red curdle drink.
And it's like a tomato mint alcoholic taste, and it's foul.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, I mean, you've got to try it.
Yeah, yeah. It's worth it.
A green, it's got to be green. Yeah, but the Jon Snow.
Yeah, Jon Snow.

Speaker 1 Well, I I think it's still 160. Yeah, yeah.
That does the best one you've ever had, right? Demento, yeah. I asked Bill Nye for directions to the Jon Snow.
Did you? Yeah, yeah. While he was in here.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Direct me from here.

Speaker 1 And what did he say? He didn't know I was.

Speaker 1 It's quite a specific thing to ask. And how did he say it? You know, do you, Bill Nye?

Speaker 1 I'm afraid I don't. That's not bad.
I'm afraid I don't. It's a bit runny.

Speaker 1 I think he actually said, I can't say that I do. Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 It got better, didn't he? That would be be the line they give him. He probably saved it.
If the line said, I mean, if I did, and he would say, I prefer it to say it like that. Yeah, very good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I believe you now.

Speaker 1 Now, you have to press a button now and your grandmother's going to disappear. How do you feel about that? That's fine.
She's had her use. You know, she can be eviscerated.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 She can be eviscerated. I've got to get eviscerated.
Well, we know we weren't sure. We weren't sure, were we? Yeah.
There's like a, you know, 10% chance chance that they are. But I'll take that risk.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So I press the button and she's gone.
And where are you now? Have a look around because it's sideways. I'm back in the restaurant.
I don't know where I am now, but I'm in some restaurant.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe a French restaurant. Yeah, in France.
Yeah. You like France? Yeah, I like France.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How often do you go to France? Once a year. Yeah, same place, three years running.

Speaker 1 Maybe this will be the last time you go there. It's probably going, you know what, we've been here enough now.
Yeah. But South France.
Lovely. Very nice.
Do you like France, lads? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's good using the travel one you do as well. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Off-road.
Off-road. Very good.

Speaker 1 Very good. There's some ideas here, isn't it? Off the beaten path.
For Plosive, the company. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you think, Ben? It's good, isn't it? Off-road, yeah. Off-road, yeah.
I like it. Yeah, it's good.
You and Bill Nye walking the streets of Soho. Me seeing if he can find his way.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he doesn't know anyways. He doesn't heard him anywhere.
Do you know where?

Speaker 1 He doesn't know where anywhere is. Can't say that he does.
Can't say that I do. That's a good format, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Taking Bill bill night to places that he's never been before and asking him if he knows his way around yeah yeah he has to find it there's no gps you you well you've got to find you've got to find it bill that's good yeah that is good i mean it genuinely probably is quite good yeah it is quite good yeah

Speaker 1 he's in tight you're in taiwan i mean it'd get green lit for sure yeah i don't think it'd feel like he does have a smartphone anyway no i don't think he does because he just walks around singing all day have you read about that no i didn't know that he loves learning a new song every day and he just walks around singing out loud yeah wow was he singing no he's not at all but maybe unless he was learning a song called uh i i don't think Think That I Do or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Perhaps he was actually singing Silent Night.

Speaker 1 Do you get it? Because it was Silent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 This is gold, isn't it? Silent Night.

Speaker 1 Silent Night.

Speaker 1 I said Silent Night, you win.

Speaker 1 Dream side dish, Robert. Ball of carrots.
Raw carrots. Wow.
Yeah. My favourite thing.
Yeah? Yeah. Raw carrot in a bowl.
It's your favourite thing. I think it's like the tastiest food in the world.

Speaker 1 A raw carrot. I thought you said ball of carrots.
Not a ball of carrots. No.
A ball of carrots wouldn't be the tastiest. That would be...
That's impossible, isn't it? A ball of carrots.

Speaker 1 It's a dream restaurant. It's possible then, but I want a bowl of carrots, raw carrots.
And nothing, no dip with them? No, just raw carrots. I eat them all the time.
Don't peel them. Wash them.

Speaker 1 Cut the ends off. Give the bits to my dog.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I eat the carrots. They're beautiful.
Crunchy, sweet if you get a good one. They're delicious.
It's really funny that you give the bits to your dog. Yeah, he loves carrots.
Does he? She, yeah.

Speaker 1 Lolly, that's her name. Yeah.
Labrador. All it wants is food.
It follows me around and wants food.

Speaker 1 Sort of loves me. It's more like the animal that lives in the house, really.
You know, that's our dog. You've got a dog, haven't you? I've got a cat.
Oh, nice. Yeah.
Love cats.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's very precious about what he eats. What's your cat called? Pig.
Oh, great name. Good name, isn't it? Do you know about James's cats? How many cats have you got? Do you want to guess? Four.

Speaker 1 Okay, four. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Sorry, yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm allergic to cats and I like cats. I would have 40 cats.
Yeah. Yeah, I love them.
Four cats. What's that like? Brilliant.
Brilliant. Love it.

Speaker 1 We had this decorator in recently, and

Speaker 1 he was very nice. He wouldn't stop talking.
And

Speaker 1 a bit like me.

Speaker 1 And he said,

Speaker 1 yeah, you've got a dog? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I've got cats. I said, oh, how many cats have you got? 20.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
21. I bought a white cat yesterday.
I've always wanted a white cat.

Speaker 1 21 cats wow imagine having 20 cats and you've not got a white one yet i know it's like it's collecting i want a white i wanted a white one that is unnoticed 21 cats surely so does your house smell of cats yes it will do yes it does mine doesn't i don't like it's not yours you're 21 cats there's no way it won't yeah 21 yeah because it's not your house anymore is it really it's the cat's house yeah it's the cat's house i've got four cats and i have to you know that's quite mindful each day to not let things slip in to look after four cats luckily they're pretty chill, all four of them.

Speaker 1 They all get on? They all get on. Our little gang.
Names? Terry. Terry, good.
Alex. Also good.

Speaker 1 Rue.

Speaker 1 Rue. And Spider-Man.

Speaker 1 I mean, they're four classic names are good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Alex also goes by Cheeseburger Jones. It depends, you know, on the vibe.
Yeah, I mean, Alex is often called that on, mate. It's a pet name.
Alex is shorter for Cheeseburger Jones.

Speaker 1 Cheeseburger Jones, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
After Alex Jones, the conspiracy guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Exactly. Yeah, I know you like it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 This is the last episode, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're just walking around the house quite often, just nibbling on a carrot.
Yeah, I love carrots, yeah.

Speaker 1 If I'm writing on some other little bowl of carrots, you know, to nibble on. I can't have nuts, can I? I don't like nuts.
No, so well, you can have you, you use the word can't quite liberally.

Speaker 1 I couldn't want to. I don't want them.
Yeah, yeah. Hate them.
You hate nuts. So you have to have.

Speaker 1 I have to. I must have carrots.

Speaker 1 And these are full-size carrots? When you say bowls? Well, I think I'll cut them in. I'll do the vertical.
I'll do a vertical cut. A varrot, yeah.
A varret. I'll have a varret, yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll varret them, yeah. Are you just varretting? Because often when you get I might do other varratting, I mean, depends on things.
I might do two more, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you know, yeah.

Speaker 1 I kind of, you know what? When you said a bowl of carrots, I was like, oh, man, that's. It's a bowl, though, isn't it? It's better than the bread.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 whenever I have carrots, like carrot batons or something like that. Yeah.
I do think carrots are good. Yeah, but if you buy them in packs,

Speaker 1 someone's quite watery and nasty. Yeah.

Speaker 1 they can turn i mean my favorite thing to buy um from marks and spencer's service stations is the carrot battons with a hummus dip hummus is on my list i'm afraid oh no

Speaker 1 i throw that away that goes away and i'll have the buttons you know when you're driving yeah

Speaker 1 and then the carrots fall over you know by on your feet and all the pedals have you had that one while you're driving on the motorway i have that was bad they're quite moist yeah i had a bag of carrots and they're just all and they're like all over the pedals slippery yeah are you are you then bending down to try and some carrots, trying to move them out the way?

Speaker 1 But while driving safely. While driving safely.

Speaker 1 That doesn't happen a lot, but that has happened. Yeah.
Do you abide by the five-second rule? Would you pick up a carrot from the five-second carrot rule? Yeah, the five-second carrot rule.

Speaker 1 I might not

Speaker 1 from the footwell. But if it's in my house, which is spotless.
Yes. If it's in my house,

Speaker 1 I would. Yeah.
But not from the footwell of my, you know, the mankey footwell in my car. Definitely not.
Although I might. Yeah.
Because if no one's watching. No one's watching.

Speaker 1 It's not like, and then you look in the rearview mirror and Mick Hogg's sat in the back. Oh.
But I can't quite hear him. Yeah.
So it doesn't matter what he says.

Speaker 1 When you said bowl of carrots, I too imagined the batons and thought, ugh, come on. But then when you said the full ones, it did make me go, oh,

Speaker 1 that is nicer. And I hadn't thought about that before.
They're quite refreshing. You know, they mean in the fridge.
Yeah. Refreshing.

Speaker 1 Like nature's lollipop.

Speaker 1 Nature's lollipop, like the stick, but a tasty lollipop stick yeah do you ever bite into one and say what's up doc um i haven't actually but i will i will from now on yeah i mean you do a good impression of your grandmother did you ever do a good impression of bugs bunny no i can't do bug can you do bugs bunny i could do my grandma saying it what's up dog

Speaker 1 yeah how do you feel about cooked carrots yeah they're not bad yeah i've got i've got to yeah they're fine you know if they're not too soft yeah people can overdo it they can can't they and the punishments aren't severe enough are they they, really, for that these days?

Speaker 1 Who knows with this new government, of course? But of course, yeah. Fingers crossed.
I think it's in their manifesto. I haven't seen it.
Yeah, yeah. They're always so long, aren't they?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And involved.
It's quite deep in the characteristics. Yeah, it's not near the top, really.

Speaker 1 You know.

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Speaker 1 Your dream drink, Robert. You like this one? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to have two drinks. I'm allowed two drinks, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I reckon.
I'm going to have, because it will just make me laugh. Okay.

Speaker 1 Who's in the restaurant when you're having the carrots, by the way?

Speaker 1 No one's in the restaurant.

Speaker 1 No one's in that.

Speaker 1 That's with my grandma. No, the carrots.
Side dish. Side dish.
Yeah, but I thought you'd press the button. Yeah, you'd press the button.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would be. It's going to be a bear restaurant.

Speaker 1 In your kitchen with the dog. No, it's not going to be.
Yeah, it'll be in my, yeah, that's what it's going to be with the dog. Yeah.
And I can chuck the bits. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what this, this, now I'm back in a restaurant. I'm going to be in a white bear restaurant now for no reason.
Yeah. And I'm going to have,

Speaker 1 what was the question? Drink. Drink.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right.
Well, no, this is throughout the meals,

Speaker 1 so I can have these anyway. Well, I want, I'm going to be served, you know, by waiters, obviously.
And I want to, I'm going to start with a seamauer, and then I'm going to finish with a Laros.

Speaker 1 Those wines? No, I'll tell you what these are. So this is another one for my youth.

Speaker 1 When my brother Johnny were younger and we used to get invited to parents, like someone was getting married in the family or burmitzva and I was like 11 and he was eight we've invented this game which we do to this day which is the best game yeah and I think maybe my brother's there for this bit just for when I drink he appears and then he's eviscerated but comes back yeah so what we would do we would go we would we would be quite we quite you know we're 12 we didn't know anyone often it's boring and we didn't want to talk to girls it's embarrassing there's the family so we would just go and sit by the bar and just drink coca-cola And we would, this is our plan.

Speaker 1 So we wouldn't sitting by the bar, that's what we would do, just by the bar near the bar. Is that a kid thing kids do normally? Sitting up at the bar, not at the bar, like it wouldn't be at the bar.

Speaker 1 We'd be always imagine you sat having a Coca-Cola, like, oh, this is a long night, cigar, yeah.

Speaker 1 But this is we'd hang around, we'd hang around the bar, hiding basically, and have a Coke, and then it would be right, it's time, it's time.

Speaker 1 So the guy, oh, two more coats, please, you know, one Coke and one Seamauer. I go, Seamauer, yeah, one Coke, one Seamaule, what's Coca-Cola, a lemonade? What? Mixed together.
That's a seamal, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. So this is pre-internet, so you couldn't check.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. And then you see him wander off pouring out and another bartender would see him mixing lemonade and coat.
You'd see him mouthing seamal. See meow?

Speaker 1 Oh, it could be a drink. So we'd have a Coke and a Seamauer.
And then it would be... Later on, we'd have two Seamows, please.

Speaker 1 And once they got used to that, the bit when they go, two Seamows, we go one Seamau, one La Ross.

Speaker 1 So you have to wait for them to yeah yeah what's a laros ginger ale and a lemonade i never heard of that before maybe one seamail and that would be that would be our thing so a seamail and we did that our whole life and if we ever go out it'll be like what do you want one seam hour please so that i would i would be want to be drinking them they taste nice as well yes and um my brother can be there and we can do that and they there's no internet reception so they can't check yeah yeah they're not allowed me i don't know if they would even check now would they they wouldn't check now surely they'd be like whatever if they want to call it two seam hours if they want to call it a seam

Speaker 1 they would say two seam hours. Boys, two seam hours.
No, no, one seam,

Speaker 1 that would be

Speaker 1 two. Then you end on two La Rosses.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's just when they think they've got the hang of it, right? Yeah, and then my dad would tell me, you're ordering your stupid drinks. Don't say anything about that.
That would be organic.

Speaker 1 So I would, I like those drinks.

Speaker 1 I mean, they're good drinks as well. There's nothing more exciting as a kid than realizing you can mix different soft drinks.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you ever mix drinks? Nice mixing.
Oh, the freestyle machine. The freestyle machine and the soda fountain.

Speaker 1 Some fast food places now in London have a freestyle machine. Excellent.
Where you can

Speaker 1 pick loads of other stuff. I mean, there's stuff that you don't even know, you can't buy commercially by itself, like

Speaker 1 peach lilt and stuff like that. Yeah, I made that one up.

Speaker 1 Every flavour of Fanta you can imagine would be sort of different food. Raspberry Fanta, all that sort of stuff.
Can you mix some of those together?

Speaker 1 I don't want to mix them. If I've not had it, I just want to try Raspberry Fanta.
that sounds good yeah well i mean when you were kids that's called a lombard

Speaker 1 like a lombard

Speaker 1 a lombard a raspberry fanta raspberry fanta would be a lombard

Speaker 1 would you brother sign off on this oh yeah yeah yeah yeah we we do this all the time yeah still do it now oh yeah yeah yeah we haven't done it for a while but we're going to do it again soon we talked about it recently i was telling him we've got to do this again so yeah yeah we've got to do that we've got to do that

Speaker 1 i mean we always talk about it in the restaurant what do you want to drink he was going two seam hours he always does that to me so yeah i mean we should start this as a thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 People ordering seam hours on the roses. I think it almost certainly will happen.
And see if people please go out there and try it. You've got to start, you don't go straight in two seam hours.

Speaker 1 No, you've got to lull them into getting a lot of stuff. You're going to have to have a seam hours and have the Coca-Cola.
Coca-Colas. Yeah.
Coca-Colas as opposed to Coke. Two Coca-Colas, please.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then eventually chuck a sea male.
That's my drink. Yeah.
And then the high point is when they say two seams. Two sea males.
Yeah. Yeah.
No. And then it ends on two La Rosses, please.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Good night.

Speaker 1 We arrive at your dream dessert. Now, I'm excited about this because you said that the whole meal really is just so you can get the reward, which is the pudding, which is great.
It is, yeah.

Speaker 1 Great to hear. Yeah.
I'm going to have a trolley.

Speaker 1 Trolley of puddings. Great.
Yeah. Here we go.
So the main's come on a trolley as well, hasn't it? Yeah, my grandma's not going to be pushed. She's been...
We don't know if she's been eviscerated.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 She's somewhere else. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So this is just, I'm back in a restaurant and I can choose who I want. Yeah.
I thought about this. Yeah.
This would be freaky. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Full of people you haven't met yet, but you are going to get to know in the future. Right.
That would be weird, wouldn't it? That's good. That's good, isn't it? Yeah.
And Stormsey's there as well.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. We'll get friends with Stormsey.
That's good. Yeah.
Oh, so you know that at some point you're going to get to know them properly. Yeah, just be people.
How would I know her? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think that's a good idea for like a TV show, Robert. You're not worried that you just, I mean, you know, this is your bread and butter here, writing.

Speaker 1 Are you not worried you're just giving away quite a good idea for a TV show? Which is a man eating quite a horrible food

Speaker 1 where there's people that doesn't know yet. I'm not well.

Speaker 1 It does sound like a Netflixy idea, doesn't it? Yeah, so he doesn't. He's going to find out how he knows the people.
That's actually quite good. That's my idea.
I'm copywriting it now.

Speaker 1 He's going to write it. I'm going to know all these people.
Yeah, but if you can get Stormzy on board, I think it's going to be a really good show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'll do a Co-Pro with his company, Muskete TV company.

Speaker 1 It'd be good if there's like, well, maybe it's a film or something, but like if like it starts with the main character wakes up in a strange room and there's other people sat around, no one's talking to each other, and then learns that these are people that he's going to meet in his life.

Speaker 1 It's not a bad idea, actually, is it? And then the rest of the story is meeting those people. So he kind of wakes up as if from a dream.

Speaker 1 You keep going with all those people. I think we've got the beginning nails.
We've got the beginning. We've got the idea.
But it's the rest of it.

Speaker 1 But he's not. Yes, we've learned details.

Speaker 1 Or he gets eviscerated. I mean, this is, you're a bit obsessed with.
Yeah. Well, I'm just trying to to tie it in.

Speaker 1 It's an ending. Maybe he makes sort of weirdly makes friends with him in the room and then he goes back to his life.
Oh, yeah. But they don't remember when

Speaker 1 it's at the table.

Speaker 1 You don't want a sort of floppy head, late middle-aged man in bow ties that are probably like surgeons that might end up operating when you're very or it's someone he might murder or something.

Speaker 1 You know, like people that might be like, well, then it's the medical stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it's not all people are going to meet and be friends with him. It's like, yeah, it's the person who's going to take you on.

Speaker 1 I'm not the one that gave you the heart transplant that didn't go right. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 And it's in a world where no one can lie. Even, I mean, we're going to pitch this, guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that's what I want in the background. And I want a trolley.
And I want a pyramid of profiteroles.

Speaker 1 As soon as you said pyramid, I knew it was coming. Nothing else comes in the pyramid.
It's my favourite dessert made by my mum with hot chocolate sauce. I want cream in them, not ice cream.

Speaker 1 Not nice with ice cream in it. It's not proper.
It's too cold with the hot chocolate.

Speaker 1 Ice cream's not on the list, though. I love ice cream.

Speaker 1 No, that is top of nice like list so i want fritterard loads of them nice list nice list so i want them then i want there's a french restaurant we go to like france every couple of months me and my wife as a treat on how to treat a lady we have uh they have this dessert that's the nicest dessert i've ever had in a restaurant it is warm blueberry tart yeah here's the genius lavender ice cream wow that's adventurous for me wasn't it yeah it's very

Speaker 1 it's amazing and they nearly always have it and basically i go for that, really. I get the main done.
I get that. And occasionally they don't have it.
It's off the menu.

Speaker 1 And I literally want to, you know, destroy the whole restaurant. I'm so angry.

Speaker 1 I just moan to my wife, well, they don't have the lavender thing. Well, right, they've got other things.
I knew, but I wanted that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because it is heartbreaking. You've been looking forward to it all day or week, maybe.

Speaker 1 Is the dessert menu attached to the main menu? So you know as soon as you go in, or does it come separately at the end? It's a work of art, their dessert, man. It's all amazing.
Right.

Speaker 1 They've got tart tatan, you've got homemade ice creams my wife often has chocolate and uh raspberry together and when we were kids there used to be this ice lolly called dracula that was chocolate and raspberry so when she has it i go dracula and she quite likes that joke but also finds it quite annoying because i do it quite a lot she's having dracula

Speaker 1 yeah yeah and i'm having dracula you haven't chocolate yeah like the lolly yep so she'll have that and I'll have the lavender thing and I'll have the tart tatan if they don't have that they just got beautiful you know beautiful dessert what's it called this place it's called bistro x and it's in crouch end and it is nice it is but it's quite romantic also the people in it generally quite old but it doesn't matter the food's so nice yeah and um i'll have that and then i'll also have uh meringues which i can make really good meringues yeah yeah what kind of meringues i've got on some here i'm going to give you them in a minute have you actually

Speaker 1 meringues so yeah do you want a meringue yeah yeahingues out of his bag i made meringues now bearing in mind we've heard what elseie drake makes what food she's been making through that is this going to be a business no no at least these are oh they've all crumbled of course oh my god these are all nice these are absolutely legit it's got your brother's hair in it i wanted to have them

Speaker 1 it's got my grandma's hair in it well i'm going to obviously try one of these chocolatey looking ones as well like chocolate dusted on the top and it'll make you really like dry mouth and it'll be awful for the

Speaker 1 what do you reckon delicious oh

Speaker 1 what do you reckon

Speaker 1 today

Speaker 1 i made a note make meringues and then this morning i thought fucking i've got to make meringues for this. And then I left it to the long time.

Speaker 1 I did. We wouldn't have known.
What do you reckon, lads? Really delicious and exactly what you want from a meringue. It's like not hard all the way through.
It's chewy as well, a bit.

Speaker 1 A bit chewy, a bit soft in the middle. They've got the shell on the outside.

Speaker 1 Go on, lads. That's legit, mate.
So meringue, I want meringues with a lot of cream. Yeah.
And, you know, I'm done. I mean, that is a good meal.
It's a strange meal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you've definitely saved yourself for the dessert, I think. Yeah.
Like you're having a bowl of carrots as a side.

Speaker 1 That's like almost cleansing the palate, ready for the dessert, trolley, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You've been a good little boy, so you get your big reward at the end. Yes, exactly.
Oh, do you want to hear the list then? Yeah, let's hear the list. It's a proper list.
It's

Speaker 1 all down on paper. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But over the last days, it's different.

Speaker 1 It's a big list, just let's finish.

Speaker 1 All seafood, olives, nuts, mayonnaise, mustard, asparagus, cabbage, apricots, liver, lye cheese, pesto, coffee, blue cheese, truffles, truffle oil, pickles, white chocolate, raisins, they're fine, but if they break away from a cake, I won't eat the ones that are on their own because they've got cake on them, that's annoying.

Speaker 1 Don't know why, lentils, chickpeas, marzipan, beetroot, garlic bread, raw onions, venison, who has venison? That's a weird thing to say.

Speaker 1 Artichoke, grapefruit, Brussels sprouts, rhubarb, meatballs, red wine, nearly done, milk, red peppers, sweet corn, but not, I like corn on the cob and not on its own.

Speaker 1 Licorice, goat's cheese, marmalade, feta cheese, cheese, quiche, falafel, dates, prunes, hummus, parsnips, cheesecake, donuts, baked beans, and peas. Wow.
I mean, some absolute rogue things in there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Garlic bread and doughnuts.
Donuts? Horrible. Really? Yeah, man.
I love sweet things. Greasy.
Greasy? Yeah, doughnuts taste greasy.

Speaker 1 And the traditional ones with the sugar and the jam in, the sugar's annoying. Sort of like grape short lips and just raw jam.

Speaker 1 Raw jam? Just jam in a doughnut. It's just like you don't get jammed in a dirty nut.

Speaker 1 You just put your lips. You don't get jam, put your spoon and just spoon jam into your mouth.
You put jam on stuff though, don't you? You do. That's true.
You jam in the dunny. Yeah, you do put jam.

Speaker 1 I have jam on toast. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm the one with the problem.
Jam sandwich. Yeah, jam sandwich is really nice.
So I'm the one with the problem. Yeah.
Yeah. And but milk, obviously, well, I know where you don't like milk.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You had fizzy milk and milk with ribena. So obviously left a really traumatic menu.
I think I was probably traumatised. Yeah, I understand that.

Speaker 1 That one's understandable, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I I'll move your menu back to you now. See how you feel about it, Robert.
Exciting. You want tap water? You would like

Speaker 1 hala bread

Speaker 1 toasted by yourself with a toast on the table. Starter, you want 50-50 cereal, corn flakes and rice krispies with honey, not with one of those Twisthy things.

Speaker 1 And cold oat milk. Yep.
Your main course, you want a square steak made by your grandmother with paprika, potatoes.

Speaker 1 and green beans all made in like a metal don't forget the crust flour crust and the flour crust

Speaker 1 delicious side dish bowl of raw carrots drink sea mour and a la ros yep dessert a pyramid of profita rolls with cream not ice cream warm blueberry tart with lavender from lavender ice cream pistro x yep lavender ice cream and meringues made by yourself which we won't discuss if they were they were in a pyramid or not we didn't discuss no i think they would just be on a dotted around the room dotted around the room yeah around the room

Speaker 1 yeah how do you feel about that i think that sounds good Yeah, I like that. I think it sounds good? Yeah, I mean, it also sounds terrible.
Yes. But it also sounds good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Each individual. It sounds good to you.
Yeah, it sounds good to me.

Speaker 1 If you said that, it sounds disgusting. No, it doesn't sound disgusting.
It sounds good. I actually just think the bowl of carrots is the only thing that froze it.
Yeah. Why?

Speaker 1 It's just really out of nowhere. Like, I can't see a place for it in a meal.
I understand that you have it as a snack around the house. That makes sense to me.

Speaker 1 But at any point during a meal, that would confuse me. It's a palate cleanser.
I don't mind it. But I mean,

Speaker 1 you can have cooked carrots that are sort of crunchy. So it's just one step away from that.
They're still crunchy and that goes with your meal. Yeah, I mean, I guess.

Speaker 1 Does it win the greatest meal anyone has ever?

Speaker 1 It's under consideration.

Speaker 1 It's just the carrots that

Speaker 1 we're not rolling it out. Right, right, right.
Thank you for submitting it. Right.
And we got to eat the meringues. Yeah.
So we've eaten the meringues and they're really nice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bonito hasn't had a meringue he's not allowed one he says he's busy eat a meringue now bonita just have one now before the because he hates meringues

Speaker 1 you can edit yourself eating it out but you can keep in robert's reaction to you eating it i think the listener would like to know how robert feels about you eating no i don't want him to have it you're not allowed one there we are he doesn't like meringues and that's fair enough he likes meringues he's gonna love it he's gonna have one on the tube on the way back just open a big box of meringues that would be strange i've never seen anyone eat a meringue on the tube that would be good i once saw on the tube a boy, must have been about nine, who was dressed like, do you know, do you ever remember Viz, spoiled bastard, little boy, dressed like a spoilt kid.

Speaker 1 And his mum sat opposite him as a busy train.

Speaker 1 And I saw this. And this boy just was, just looked in like trouble and a spoilt boy.
And the mum looked exhausted.

Speaker 1 And he had a massive bag of cherries, which is quite a spoiled thing for a child to have, like, holding it there on his lap and he was biting into the cherries and he chewed to it and he spat the cherry stone across at his mum and it would like go on her face or on her top she had a side dress on and she was really embarrassed everyone was looking and he was laugh roaring and he's stuffing another cherry in and he kept spitting them at his mum and hit him on the face and the hair and her dress and that was you know five minutes of my drive and then i got off and it was just carrying on well i love that kid yeah cherries cherries is such a spoiled kid Isn't it cherries?

Speaker 1 No, mother,

Speaker 1 I can't get on the train without my cherries. Cherries.
That's my bag.

Speaker 1 My bag of cherries for the tube journeys.

Speaker 1 Cherries. When you see kids like that, it's mind-blowing, isn't it? Yeah.
Get away with that stuff. Kids these days.
If I spat a chip, it's cherry stone. Yeah, not either of my parents.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Game over. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Game over. It's true.
Game over. Forget it.

Speaker 1 I'm never having a cherry again as long as I live.

Speaker 1 Because you might do that if you're around your parents.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'll be like, we're not giving you any of them, but also we're going to tell you off so bad that you don't even want to eat cherries as an adult because you're just going to think

Speaker 1 don't eat cherries, basically. Yeah.
That's one thing you can take away from this. It's a lovely way to end the podcast, I think.

Speaker 1 Kids, please don't eat cherries. Yep.
Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Robert. Cherry Popper Daddy.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Well, there we are, James.

Speaker 1 What a wild ride. What a fun fun chat with Robert Popper.
Lovely chat with Robert Popper. We learned so much about him.
We did. The wacky world of Robert Popper.
The wacky world of Robert Popper.

Speaker 1 The wacky world of Elsie Drake, of course. The LC Drake World Popper.
That's not the name of the book. That's not the name of the book, just in case you go searching for that.

Speaker 1 It's not called The Wacky World of Elsie Drake.

Speaker 1 Don't look for that. The Elsie Drake letters, brackets aged 104, is what the book is called.
It's out now. So go and buy that from wherever you buy your books.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 And Robert didn't say Robert didn't pick a pot of pickle pickled peppers. Robert Popper did not pick a pot of pickle.

Speaker 1 Robert Popper did not pick a pot of pickled peppers. No, that's true.
You're good at that, man. Well, I don't know.
I felt like I was like missing out. No, two vowels there.

Speaker 1 You did it, but when you do it, it always feels like you're on the edge, right? You always feel like you're riding a wave of words.

Speaker 1 I feel like my eyes go into the top of my head and my eyelids start fluttering. Yes, they did.
Yeah. I feel like I was going to a trance.
Yeah, yeah. You don't really know what's going on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was scary. Don't do that again.
Pretty scary. I know, it'd be scary.
But he did not do that. Thank you so much to Robert Popper for coming on.
We will see you next week.

Speaker 1 We will see you next week. We've got to pop a offer.
We've got to pop a offer.

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