Ep 267: Danny Dyer

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

It's third down.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the bacon of conversation, the sausages of friendship, the fried egg of great comedy, and the black pudding of

love.

It's the podcast, Full English.

Ed's been at a music festival all weekend singing very loud to heavy metal songs that he loves.

Sorry.

So just so you know, please don't adjust your phones.

Please don't adjust your phones.

Or headphones.

Or headphones.

Anything you listen to the podcast on.

That is Ed's voice for this episode.

Sorry.

It's unprofessional for me to turn up to a professional audio engagement with a voice like this, but I think this might be my new voice now.

Yeah, so get used to it.

This is their gamble.

Yeah.

I mean, hopefully I don't have to do much talking on this episode.

Hopefully.

Who knows?

Because listen, that's that's a gamble.

My name is James Dancaster.

Together we're at a dream restaurant.

Every single week we're inviting a guest, so you ask me a favour, ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Danny Dyer.

The guy can talk.

I'm not going to need to say anything, am I?

And what a lovely voice as well.

He's much loved by the entire nation and beyond.

Yes.

So people are going to love listening to Danny Dyer and his food choices.

Fantastic actor.

A national treasure.

Absolutely.

I think he's national treasure.

He's a treasure now.

he's done so many things that people have loved over the years that mean a lot to a lot of people he's in in our hearts he's always on our minds eastenders football factory we both love and i were talking before this about how much we love the film severance love severance that he's in not speaking to the tv harold pinter pinter's final news yes pinter loved him yeah so like you know he he kind of ticks all the boxes he does no matter what your taste in acting film tv plays Dyer's done it.

Dyer's done it to the top level.

Yes.

Speaking of doing it to the top level.

Rivals.

Rivals, the new Disney Plus show based on a Jilly Cooper book.

Danny is in Rivals.

That is out right now on Disney Plus.

Very exciting.

We'll talk to him about that as well.

But here's the thing.

We all love Danny Dyer.

He is a national treasure.

But if he says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is pigs'feet.

Pigs' feet.

Pig's feet.

Here's how we got to this.

I like pigs' feet, by the way.

I've eaten pigs' feet.

Of course, I like it.

Won't surprise any regular listeners that Ed likes pigs' feet.

Trotters.

Yes.

They are Trotters.

Yeah.

He's in Nice.

He's in Nice with his Trotters up.

With his Trotters up.

Something that Danny said about David Cameron.

Yes, after the Brexit referendum result.

And listen, regardless of how you've...

Please.

Put to one side how you voted.

Okay.

Regardless of how you voted, you have to admit the fact that David Cameron called it on and then fucked off and just washed his hands of it was out of order.

And when Danny Dyer said he's a niece with his Trotters up, he spoke to the nation.

Everyone agreed with Danny Dyer on that one.

I don't think you can back anyone.

You can't back Cameron.

No.

Whether you're a Brexiteer or a Remainer or you abstained and didn't even vote, you've got to think that Cameron was a knobhead for that.

And also saying Trotters is funny.

And look, saying Trotters is funny.

But will they be on Danny's menu?

I hope not because I definitely definitely want to talk to the guy for a long time.

Yeah, well, let's find out.

This is the off-menu menu of Danny Dyer.

Welcome, Danny, to the Dream Restaurant.

Well, thanks for having me.

I mean, this is...

Welcome, Danny Dyer, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you.

You used to the big cheese.

You know, because I'm working for Disney now.

I'm a Disney star, so

the elite.

And so

they demanded that if I could get on this, this was the one.

You know, the off-menu is the gaff to be, I suppose.

So

you've been strong-armed into this by the Disney Corps?

Yes, bullied into it in a way.

But, you know, if Disney are going to tell you what to do, you do.

No, no, no, I'm honoured to be here, mate.

This is an interesting little podcast.

This one.

There's so many about.

I heard it used it at first.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you up there?

You know, you started the training podcast.

Pretty early, David.

I've been there early.

Used your brain.

Ed is.

Edward's proper.

You were like around Ground Zero podcasts.

You were coasting very, very early.

2006, maybe.

How did you know about this?

This is mental to me.

Yeah, well, you know, you just got to you've got to notice these trends and get in there early.

A better version of radio, isn't it?

Better version of radio, exactly.

And say what we like.

Yeah, it's crazy to think that we relied on radio for so long for audio entertainment when you think about it.

And now everyone swerves radio, doesn't it?

You know, it gets blanked.

Yeah, yeah.

People just go to podcasts.

so well it's good to know we're on disney's radar yeah oh yeah they love you that's great and so are you of course because you're you're part of it now as you say you're you're you're in the elite rivals is coming out exciting rivals is coming out which is a job we did last year in bristol uh set uh in 1986 it's jilly cooper novel arguably one of her best

and uh yeah i'm part of uh a real ensemble cast uh like i said elite people david tennant you know what a lovely geezer he is yeah you know you want him to be horrible you know, you want to, you know, because he's just perfect, this geezer.

So it's like a Rolls-Royce of acting.

Yeah.

Aiden Turner, another, you know, wonderful, brilliant actor.

Alex Hassel, who

slipped under my radar for many years, didn't have a clue he was.

But I learned a lot from him.

Emily Atax in it, Catherine Parkinson, you know, so, you know, great little Lisa McGrillis.

So I'm part of this elite little firm, and

it was a really beautiful job, yeah.

So what can you tell people about your character?

I play a character called Freddie Jones, who is he's the richest one in it it's all it's all about regional television and the rivalry within that uh and uh they're all they're all trying to get my money to invest but i'm i'm very uh i'm still very much a working class geezer that's done well for himself i'm sort of based a little bit around alan sugar sort of thing in the sense of i've i've i've brought technology to the country in the 80s i've got this great scene where i pull out uh i'm in a nightclub and i pull out this karaoke machine and everyone's like what what the fuck is this and they go ladies and gentlemen this this is karaoke uh and then i have to uh bang out a meatloaf number oh that's ed's karaoke that's my karaoke

okay i did bat out of hell yeah but out of hell's a strong one yeah yeah he is it in full every time and last time he went to karaoke which was pretty recently actually for ed's wife's birthday someone put in bat out of hell way too early in the evening right and had in the afternoon as well

about 5 30 p.m and i did the full eight minute it's a long track innit yeah it's a good track you've got to commit yeah look i always commit but there's always that feeling about halfway through where people think oh it's over now yeah but he's not even fallen off the bike yeah this is true yeah i i had the red handkerchief you know that used to dab his neck with a yeah yeah so we've done a bit of that and uh uh the thing about when you're shooting these things is that i've got playback in my hero so i was actually singing it with no music for all the people got to pretend that they're dancing so I think it was quite traumatic for a lot of people, but I got through it.

Do you think Disney will release that?

Well, I would like to say

it's in the show.

I start off with me singing.

Yeah.

And then it does sort of fade into meat love.

He sort of takes over.

But yeah, so he's a really interesting character.

He's struggling with the classism sort of thing.

His wife, Valerie, loves it.

She likes hanging out with aristocrats and all that sort of stuff.

And it's difficult because most of the characters in it are very unlikable.

A bit like succession.

But you can't stop watching them.

But with Freddie, he's lovely.

He's a teddy bear with a bite.

You know what I mean?

And also, I speak a bit of Japanese innit, which is,

which is, which is,

it's worth tuning in just for that.

Yeah.

And it took a long time to learn this little bit I've got, you know, because I like to have a geezer on WhatsApp.

Because it's all phonetics, innit.

You can't write it down.

Yeah.

So I have to keep listening to it.

Then I'm on the blow.

I got the ump, and also I'm speaking Japanese with the ump.

Yeah.

And that's an energy.

Yeah.

So, but I love it, man.

It's a great thing.

I had a moustache for six months, which I broke it to my kids and they cried.

Obviously, the school runs and stuff.

and then and interestingly

and then interestingly uh uh they got they grew to love it and then when i got rid of it they was really upset

so so i pulled it out of the bag and i had a bit of oil a bit of oil you know sort of brushing it and stuff little little tash brush oh that's nice and uh it's always nice to know you can grow one yeah yeah i think that's why i've done it well i was gonna say i like

you've gone for this sort of little soul patch thing as well the musketeer violence yeah that's my wife's least favorite bit yeah well well yeah i think that's it sort of it rounds it off nicely.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, it balances it, does it?

It does balance it, actually.

It's not just a tash.

Yeah.

So you go, well, he's got a moustache, but it ain't just a tash.

He's got more about it.

It's a look.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a strong look.

And when you've got a tash, is what I've noticed, you notice other people with tashes and you do the tash nod.

Yeah, yeah.

It's odd.

But I think nowadays I think the tash is quite cool.

And I think if you can grow a nice one, you can bowl around with it.

You know, you look a bit edgy, you know what I mean?

And also for me now, because I had a wig on and I had a moustache means I'm a versatile actor, even though I'm still a cockney.

Yeah, and I don't care what they say.

You know, you look at me and go, Okay, that's a different character.

Yeah, yeah.

So you can do Cockney with a tash.

That's what I'm saying.

Cockney without a tash.

You know, and it was all my own because other people unfortunately couldn't grow them.

I won't, I won't name them.

And so that to have the stick on ones, which is a nightmare, you know.

Every time you smile, you know, one sticks up at the end, you've got the makeup, and I'm just constantly dabbing it down with glue.

I was just bowling around with a nice, shiny, sort of oily tash.

You know, do you think the people with fake tashes do a fake tash nod?

yeah i think they probably do because they're in pain yeah

it's quite a painful process i mean once i got my wig on uh i i did look a little bit like bob cowlge's which i don't know i mean that's a throwback

you know not ideal really bob cow jeez although i'm sure he was a lovely geezer yeah yeah you know he he you know he's uh you know he had a he had a nutty puppet i mean i mean he did gob at people and stuff but um you know but good back in the day you know and he ate he's they loved all that didn't they yeah are you much of a foodie danny do you

eat a lot of shit?

Yeah.

So I don't know much about food, but I realise how, you know, like I do eat a lot of shite, and I always have.

Don't know why.

I don't know why that is.

I just, you know, that quick fix of just flavour.

Yeah.

You know, that's the game I'm in, really.

I can quite easily just fly through a pack of,

you know, them sort of the processed cheese.

Yeah.

But the dairy lee ones, you know, so you know, it's better than a triangle because it's hard getting it out of the triangle.

Yeah.

But, you know, I can sit there on my my own, just opening them, just smashing them down.

No bread, no crackers.

Like the slices.

Like the slices.

Yeah, yeah.

The dairy leaf slices.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I mean, the thing is, if you're sort of on your set and you're just smothered with all the little wrappers around you, which is no good.

And interestingly,

it was hot last night, and I had a fan on.

So every time I sort of took the cheese out of its thing, the wrappers were flying all over the gaffe and

it was a fucking mess.

Like Crystal Ways.

So yeah, I do eat a lot of process stuff.

Hence why I've got a pair of tits.

I think that's it, isn't it?

Process.

But

I think that's the reason for tits in men.

I think it's processed food, you know.

Processed cheese.

Straight back chili.

But you think if it's Dairy Lee,

you know, he's not had half a chance.

I mean, it's better than the other.

Sort of just the Morrison's one, you know what I mean?

Just the sort of really yellowy one, you know what I mean?

At least it's Dairy Lee.

So

in answer to your question, no, I'm not a foodie.

I wish I was.

I think as you get older in life, maybe you learn more about grub.

And it's all about the gut health, isn't it?

Now, I know about that probiotic,

but you just can't be fucked at the moment, you know.

I think that's fair.

It's a science, isn't it?

It's a science.

It sort of takes the joy out of food, though, if you're thinking about science.

I think eventually I would like to maybe learn about the gut health more.

I don't know when.

Maybe like in between cheese slices.

You can Google it and look up.

You couldn't have a cheese slicer, see?

You know, because it all starts with a gut.

So I can't imagine what my guts are going through.

And I do apologise.

So we always start with still or sparkling water, Danny.

Do you have a preference?

Well, I'm going to go sparkling because

I think you judge people and their wealth by, you know, water.

How do you drink water in life?

Yeah.

You know, there's people on this planet which is bullets that have to walk two miles to a fucking well.

Yeah.

It stinks as shit.

and have to drink that water and there's other people just you know glugging fucking you know sort of water out of a bottle and pinging it over their shoulder plastic fucking you know so sparkling water for me when I was a kid, the idea of Perrier water was so out of my reach.

Yeah.

In the 80s and that was like, fucking hell, if people can drink Perrier water, then they're Keiko Baco, which means rich.

So I always get quite excited around it now because I can afford it and I can have it, you know, so

yeah, and I quite like it, I quite like the taste of it.

You know, it's especially if it's chilled, you know, it's almost like I'm sitting there, you know, I can have a little glass here.

I feel like I'm an important meeting somewhere, some sort of boardroom.

Do you remember when you realised like you were Keiko Baco?

Quite recently really, I think.

You know, I think when I bought a Bentley.

Yeah.

That's a big, that's a big thing.

Well, the thing about Bentleys is you can't get them on finance.

So they flew into me.

They obviously knew I had a few quid about me and they said, oh, I want you to come to Bentley.

And I went down to Bentley, Tunbridge Wells.

That's a fucking sign.

And I went in there.

And they said, listen, we're going to borrow you this motor, Bentley-Bentager, for a week.

Fucking hell, I'm going to believe it.

And they know what they're doing.

I've drove about in this motor, fucking unbelievers, massaging me.

And they had the little holes in the seat, you know, they can press a button and it blows out all cold air and shit.

shit and yeah and I knew I wasn't gonna be able to give it back and so I had to pay for it cash yeah

so I forgot they knew exactly well I had to explain it to me missus because obviously you know no one needs to spend that much on a car and so so I made sure they put some tellies in the back with Netflix just so that I go it's for the kids yeah we're on long journeys you know we can and now I've got them the kids are just on their phones don't even watch it yeah just bullocks That's what I'm saying.

Privileged kids.

I brought up very privileged kids.

They don't realise they're fucking born mar kids.

walk everywhere i'll get a bus yeah yeah and i went you know so yeah door-to-door bentley my kids so

sparkling water

yeah that's yeah i would like to get one of them taps me misses won't have it again i don't know why you get them magic taps where

boiling water cold water fucking fizzy water yeah you think fuck how the fuck does it work yeah

i mean it's impossible yeah so i might invest in one i might send her away

in the bentley you get one in the i could have one in the bentley couldn't i i mean that's caked yeah i mean that's another level of cake, that, isn't it?

That's pretty great.

But you want to make sure the tap's in a convenient place.

You don't want that coming at the bottom of the seat.

You get it coming out of the roof.

You still sort of open your...

You can just open your gullet, eh?

Oh, yeah.

There's a cop for that, you know.

Just crack on with your day.

Absolutely lovely.

Do you want ice or lemon in the sparkling mortar?

No,

I think straight as it comes.

I've never been a fan of lemon in my waltz.

I've never understood it.

Yeah.

I do like a bit of lemon, but

when people have lemon in their coke, it was fucking awful, isn't it?

I mean, why?

Why?

Fucking all the pips starts coming out fucking about of it so so no not for me straight nice nice cold uh sparkling water i mean it's a good way to start the day if if a pip comes loose in the slice of lemon this winds me up it does

it really is it's it's like i don't know what i've done a straw i don't know who started it you know putting lemon in it they do that on a plane you know you're on a plane they you ask for a coke and they just chuck lemon in it you go fucking hell

now you've got to drink it you know you don't want to make a scene yeah people start recognizing me on there and i'll go oh i won't have it with lemon in it you know it makes me look a fucking idiot idiot.

So

I'll just bang it down quick before the st you know, any of the pips can

fucking make a break for it.

Yeah.

You know.

Pop-lubs or bread?

Pub-lubs or bread, Danny Dyer?

Publubs or bread?

Well, it's an odd one, that, because

you never go in a restaurant, you don't get offered that, because obviously with some nutty gaffe.

Yeah.

Because I'm getting the option, I'm going to go poppadums.

You never go to an Indian restaurant and they go, do you want bread?

Instead, it ain't going to happen.

And the same in a normal restaurant where you go, oh, do you know what?

You got any poppadums?

Yeah.

Because

there's laughing.

at you.

Yeah, yeah.

So I do like the, you know, I like the idea of them poppadoms, especially the posh ones.

You spin it all, the little thing around, the little silver bowls.

And, you know, so I quite like a pop-a-dom.

You know, they're a nutty.

I mean, what is it?

Yeah.

What is it?

What the fuck is it?

It's interesting.

I play a lot of football, and if someone's shitting goal, you call them pop-adom hands.

Because they can't catch the ball, I save it, it just goes through their fucking hands.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they do, they disintegrate, don't they?

Yeah.

So I think I'll get involved with a pop-a-dom just because I can.

Do you think that's the film you can pitch to Tim Burton?

Is Edward Popperdom hands?

Edward Popadom hands, yeah.

Yeah, I think he'd go for it.

You know, it'd make it sexy somehow.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, it'd sort of work.

But I do like it.

I like the shit you put on them.

Yeah.

That hot one is a right hot one and all that you, there's a normal one.

Lime and pickle, like the lime pickle.

That's what's in it.

Yeah.

You know, the rest of them's quite sweet.

A little lime thing and a bit of mango, which is always nice.

Nice bit of onion.

You know, some people put a bit of lettuce on it, which is fucking weird.

You know what I mean?

A bit of lettuce on a poppadom.

I mean,

there's nothing worse i don't think i've seen something that's weird you know you get a different kind of salads didn't you right yeah yeah so you get just straight onion and then they'll do one with a bit of tomato and sort of a lettuce yeah you know you don't fuck with that there shouldn't be nowhere near a fucking poppadom in my eyes agreed agreed to everything to every lettuce yeah putting fucking lettuce on a poppadom i i i ordered some dirty fries recently right go on and they're dumped lettuce on it on the dirty fries on the fries not dirty

so there was like some cold bacon lardons nice loads of mayonnaise

and then loads of lettuce.

Just lettuce.

I was not happy.

Oh, actually, it wasn't your choice to put it in.

No,

I wanted the dirty fries.

In my head, it's going to have like cheese and, you know, hot bacon maybe.

Cold bacon lardons,

too much mayonnaise, like globbed on and loads of lettuce.

A little quilt on it.

Yeah, I didn't know what was going on.

They'd like, you know, stirred it all in there.

I don't think you feel less shit about eating the dirty fries.

Oh, you go out and lettuce.

Because you had to eat the lettuce.

You go through the lettuce.

You got to go through the lettuce.

You do do the nice bit.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you get into the filth.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

But if you're ordering something called dirty fries, you're not there.

I'm not there to be clean.

Are you a fan of spice?

When you say about the spicy dip, do you like hot food?

I do love hot food, yeah.

I think I was brought up, my mother used to always get Indian, and she'd get them a dress.

And she'd always save me a little bit on the plate when I was young.

You know what I mean?

So I got used to having hot food as a youngster.

So I'll now, I, you know, I've moved up now, and I'm sort of a Vindaloo man.

Oh.

And I do love a Vindaloo.

It's just something about it.

I mean, obviously,

having a pony after.

Because there's a myth that gives you the runs.

It doesn't give you the runs, Indian food.

It just makes your asshole sting.

So the way it goes in is the same way it comes out.

So that's fucking weird.

So sometimes I have been known to, because I get a naughty Vindaloo near me because they're all different sort of, you know, some of them are really spicy, some are not so bad.

So sometimes you can put the cars you roll in the fridge and just have it ready just to just to get that first pony out of the way.

You know it's coming.

You're going to get it out of the way.

And just dab that bottle, bottle and glasses ass.

Yeah.

Tentatively.

And just get through it.

You know, it's worth it because

I like to have it on a Saturday because it feels like a Saturday for me.

And especially after a few beers.

Do you always have the toilet roll in the fridge just in case you order a curry?

There's been times.

I think sometimes I'll just risk it and think, fuck it.

You know,

when it's a naughty one, I know it's coming.

So I will just...

And I've got a lot of fridges in me, Gaffern, because because I'm caked.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got a few wine coolers and so I can stash me casually roll somewhere without anyone seeing it when I open the fridge.

You've got a fridge just for

toilet roll.

You want to leave your toilet roll next to the potato salad in the fridge.

It's not very appetizing, is it?

So, you know, just plot it downstairs in my little wine cooler and dab away.

But I love it.

I do.

I've always loved spicy food.

My daughter's doing TikTok at the moment.

I've got a middle child son.

She wants me to do this hot chip challenge.

Oh, don't do it.

Oh, no, no, no, I said, wasn't it for me?

Yeah, yeah.

So she gets all followers and likes.

Yeah.

And I'll just fucking bang in trouble.

Yeah.

Yeah, we did it.

And it's bad, isn't it?

It's awful.

It's only shaped like a Dorito, isn't it?

Fucking hell.

Surely I'll be sweet.

When it comes in a coffin-shaped box.

Yeah.

It's dreadful.

It's not so much the mouth,

it's the stomach, isn't it?

Against it.

It's the most painful thing I've ever done.

Don't do it.

I'm not fucking doing it.

The people who...

And I'm worried about even mentioning it because we mentioned it on the podcast once and then they contacted our agents, the people who made us do it, tricked us into doing it, saying, can we release the footage now?

And I'm like, no, we're still angry.

So if you're listening, I'm still angry with you and think you're a bunch of pricks for tricking us into doing that shit.

Okay, so talking about, obviously, you know, the

stingy ass, I can't kind of imagine.

But it was instant as well.

It was like my tongue was being chopped up with scissors.

It was horrible.

You tried to walk home, didn't you?

Yeah, I tried to walk home.

And then I ended up in the McDonald's toilet.

Yeah, I did shit in McDonald's.

Oh, so it affects you walking and shit.

Oh, my God.

As I was walking home, I was like, I'm not going to make it make it then.

I was in a cab holding onto the handle in the back of the cab to stop my body moving too much because every time we went over a speed bump, I thought I was just going to empty.

Well, thank you, boys.

I need to hear this.

Well, I was nearly got, you know, I love her.

You know, you know.

You know, you love your kids, you do stuff for them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, you do, you know, like you jump in front of a bullet and all that bullet.

So I thought, oh, I'll do it for her, you know, because

there's nothing in it for me.

You're right.

You won't love her after you've eaten it.

I know she's your daughter, but after you've eaten it, you won't love her.

Yeah.

Don't do it.

Yeah, okay.

Well, okay well that level of that level of heat's not for me no no you like to get a little sweat on

i just yeah like the idea of that bit of sting in the mouth you know like i said if you you know if you've had a few lagers up to this point it goes it's like a bab in it it's not when you get a large donor you know you can't eat them sober they always worry about people eating donnas sober you know

mentally you know you've got to be a bit pissed it's wrong with the garlic you know sauce on it and the chili sauce and you know you have a bit a bit of red cabbage and all you know just you know and just sort of munch it and it's the fucking best thing in the world yeah and then you know as soon as you've et it you know you just instant regret isn't it and just that that that that taste of whatever the fuck it is donkey is it I don't know what it is it's hard to you never know do you know I mean you look at it you could the shape of it you'd never know what it is it could be just bread could be fucking anything yeah they're slicing it off in front you know oh look at that that's beautiful and then of course after you've et it you think what have I become

who am I you know I was at a music festival this weekend and at this music festival I always get the bunny chow, which is the South African thing, which is a hollowed out loaf of bread.

And then they put chili concarni in the middle of it.

Okay.

But they get hot.

There's hot 50-50 or mild.

And I always get the hot.

At a festival.

You've got to go hot.

You've got to.

At a straightforward.

Festival, though.

Is it a festival?

I mean, it's hot.

Is it Vindaloo hot?

Is it?

It's, yeah, it's proper, like sweat on, sweat under the eyes,

little buzz.

No access to a proper toilet.

No access to a proper toilet, but I've got like maybe eight hours until things really kick off yeah usually you'd hope yeah you know because it takes it takes a while doesn't it yeah so we're luckily staying in a hotel for this music festival yeah so the next morning i woke up in agony yeah but the beauty of it it's instant relief

straight to the toilet feel amazing

little ankle clutcher yeah

i think the chili should be hot and all you have it worse than it's just a shit chili yeah yeah what's that it's mints just mints like you know like when you're filming and catering and they're they're frightened to put spice in anything and they can say you know but like you know shit chilly, it's just pointless.

It needs some bollocks of chili, yeah,

but that sounds lovely.

I know, I'd have a go on that, I think.

Yeah, and they put like a bit of sour cream on the top, and then some of the bread that they've taken out of the loaf, they put garlic butter on it and toast it and stick it onto the posh festival.

This is Christ.

It's a heavy metal festival.

Oh, okay, right, okay.

I mean,

you notice that most festivals people don't eat because uh, drugs, yeah.

Let's get into your menu proper, Danny.

Your dream starter.

I've never been a starter man.

Do you know what I mean?

But

I think the only time you have starters indoors is Christmas.

You know, a lot of people are going, oh, fuck me, we're going to have a starter.

And you go, what?

Prong cocktail.

Isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And everyone fucking does it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's mad that there's only one day of the year that you'd make the effort to make a starter for everyone.

So I think I do like a prawn cocktail.

I do love it.

I love that, you know, that fucking Mary Rose sauce.

Yeah.

Bit of lettuce involved in that as as well.

There is lettuce involved in that.

Yeah, yeah.

I've recently discovered paprika.

So

I'm in charge of the

star.

So I like to put a little

bit of paprika and it makes it look a bit posh, you know what I mean?

How did you discover paprika?

I can't remember now.

I think I bought it by accident.

I think I bought it.

I went to the...

What were you doing?

Well, no, you know, you're going to suit most loads, fucking hundreds of them.

Fuck me.

If you had them indoors, what would you do with all these spices?

And I think I wanted to pick up chili flakes and I picked up the paprika.

So anyway, I went with it and it's and I got the hot smoky one.

So if you just put a little bit of that on top with your prawn cocktail, it just looks the bollocks.

So for the purpose of this gaffe that we're in, you know, the dream scenario, it would probably be like a lobstery one.

Oh, nice.

Fucking lobster.

Yeah.

Maybe some little cherry tomatoes in the mix as well, you know.

Yeah.

In a bit, you know, in sort of like a cocktail glass.

You know, like that, that's, that's the fucking one for me, I think.

Yeah.

I just, I just, and I love, I love all bollocks.

I just, I think it's the sauce that I love.

Yeah.

You know, I'm quite partial to dipping a crab stick in that sauce as well.

Lovely.

Nice.

We can put some crab sticks in there.

And again, issues with the rappers because

if it comes on the back of eating some Dairy League squares,

you know, and then and then crab sticks.

I mean, the house.

And the fan.

Yeah, the fans are.

I mean, fuck.

How'd you explain it to the missus?

Your kids and stuff, you know, just sort of looking you up and down, disgusted with you.

But yeah, you know, dipping a crab stick in some of that Mary mary rose sauce is a pleasant experience for me yeah just imagine you're bently now the passenger foot welder's full of wrappers you could it's me bent i could i can do what i want in there yeah uh i suppose the crab stick it's like do you just dip it in or just strip it right because what the fuck is it as well sure again it's not a crab what is it it's suspicious isn't it it's fucking because it was called crab sticks and now they're not they're called fish sticks yeah like there's no crab in it but is there fish but it is googling it now i think i guess there has to be some fish in it for them to call it fish

you know it can't be just sticks

because it's strips isn't it it's very it's strips it's strips and they roll it then they roll it but then but then

one side of it is pink right and which is how i go when i'm on holiday i turn into a fucking crab stick i'm not good at the turning over and so you sort of lay there like that you know try and get your feet in the right place yeah because the trotters are always the last thing to burn sure so you know you try and get all your fingers splayed you know try you try and get brown but you forget to turn didn't you so uh many times I've turned into a crab stick on holiday.

It's horrible.

It's like two men, you know, you look at me from the pink, and if I was to turn around, white as a sheep.

Yeah.

So you would never recognise me from behind.

Got to learn to turn on that bed.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But I've always loved them.

Crabsticks.

And I love all that sort of food that, you know, that whelks.

I love a whelk.

Yeah.

Again, it's, I can understand why people look at me and go, what the fucking hell is that, man?

Yeah.

You know, like the big old bogies, isn't they?

Just sort of sitting in a bowl you lace them with chili vinegar and white pepper yeah and um you you chew them pray you don't get any grit because it does sort of put you off the grit something of a cockle sure you know you if you if you crunch down a bit of grit in a cockle you it it winds me up up yeah but you can't get it all out you can't get all the grit out so i love all that i love seafood i love a jelly deal and i understand again with with the idea of you know eating a jelly deal where you've got to suck around the spine and gob the spine out yeah you know like that's the process really.

So you have a separate pot for the spines.

And you notice that old boys, you know, a good pie and mask shop is someone, an old boy in the corner with fucking old duffel coat on, you know, cap on.

Obviously a widower.

He's in the same spot and you can see him sitting there.

You know, he's got no teeth.

That's the thing.

You need no teeth to eat him really.

Probably the one advantage of having no teeth would be that you can suck around an hill and then gob it into a fucking pot and then crack on with your day.

You know, it's

it's incredible to me.

But I think when you have them as a youngster, it works for me.

I don't know why.

Yeah.

Those places still exist, the Pine Mash shop.

Yeah, no, yeah, absolutely.

I bought a house on the strength of there was a Pine Mash in walking distance, which was a step up for me because I was living in a place called Custom House near Canningtown.

And then I earned a few quid.

It wasn't quite caked.

And I moved out of the area in Essex.

And basically, when I drove to the view and I saw the Pine Mash, I thought, I'm fucking buying it.

I've not even seen the gaffe yet, but the fact there's a pie mass shop right there.

And I remember moving in, there was all people outside sort of milling about going, Fucking hell, are you doing moving around here?

Sort of questioning me, thinking I was a multi-millionaire at that point.

I wasn't.

So it's a big step up for us.

It was a big four-bedroom house.

We needed to get out of the manor.

And then I'd wake up some days and there'd be all eggs thrown at me house, which is weird.

Oh, so people sort of resenting me for moving around there.

But if you're going to chuck eggs at someone's house, surely you'd wait for their reaction to just so basically to throw eggs and then fuck off home.

So I'd get up, look at my side of my gaffe and it was fucking shell everywhere.

And what's the point of that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then and then it started to get a little bit more naughty and chucking sort of vodka bottles and shit.

And I don't know what the fuck I've done, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe it was my character in East Enders I didn't like.

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

It must have been.

So yeah, so we had a little stretch around there for a little while and then

I got a bit more caked and then

we managed to go to a lovely place where we live now, which is which is lovely.

They're throwing caviar at your house.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's that sort of of vibe you know yeah yeah

your dream main course danny well i do love a leg of lamb yeah yeah and lambs are fucking cute like if you think about it you you'd never eat one if you saw one you're like oh what a lovely little thing that is yeah innocence Easter.

I don't know what's the fuck's lambs got to do with Easter.

It's all about new life, ain't it?

Yeah, spring.

Easter.

It's in spring as well.

I guess that's but spring lamb's the best lamb.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's all the yeah, it's all the Christian stuff of

new life.

I love a bit of lamb, honestly.

You know what?

I want a whole leg.

I want that to myself.

Yeah.

My nan used to do a leg of lamb and then she'd sort of chop it all off and then she'd she'd throw me and my brother the bone at the end and then we'd have to fight over this bone.

You know, whoever copped for it first, got the best bit and all that.

There's something about gnawing around the bone that I love.

Yeah.

So I, and also the result in my gaff is that no one else eats lamb.

It's a weird one because a lot of people don't like it.

They're offended by lamb.

I just love it.

And I, if I do a roast, I'll do a leg of lamb for me and a bit of chicken for everyone else, which means on my plate, I've just got a fucking great big leg of lamb

with sort of trimmings around it.

So that would be the game I'm in.

It would be a leg of lamb and a roast dinner.

Because I fucking love a roast.

It's the only time we sit around the table as a family.

Because again, I've got going back to having very privileged children.

You know, they're fussy as fuck you know what I mean like when I was a kid you got you know I had fucking hot dogs with soup and noodles put down in front of me and I had to fucking eat it yeah my worst one was chicken kiev I couldn't stand the chicken kiev so I'd try and get as much in my mouth as possible go go to the Kazi pretend I'm having a piss and gob it out yeah but I had to eat it because I wouldn't get another dinner that sounds cruel now but back in the day it's like no there's your dinner that's what you're going to eat if you don't want it Fuck you.

Yeah.

But you weren't eating it.

Well, I like to eat some of it in front of them, didn't I?

So So you ate a bit of it and then...

Swallowing it like, fuck it.

It was weird.

I love a chicken Kiev now.

Chicken Kiev's great.

Yeah, but back in the day, I think the ones that my mother used to get was the ready meal type one.

You know what I mean?

It was,

you know, it wasn't a very pleasant, you know, there was nothing coming out of it.

You know, like the ones you see on an advert, they cut it open.

It was just this lovely sort of garlicky sort of fucking butter coming out.

There was nothing dry as fuck.

So, so not, so, so, uh, I love a roast because we all, we all sit around the table and blank each other.

But at least at least we've made the effort to sit around the table.

So I never, when I cook for the kids, they always have different things.

So I can never really cook them the same thing, which is the beauty of an air fryer.

So I ain't got to fuck about putting two things in an oven.

Yeah.

You know, like my boy who loves them little frozen pizzas.

If I was to make him one, like fresh, he wouldn't be going, oh, fuck that, I don't want it.

I go, my fucking motherfucker, I bought a pizza oven outside.

It's cost me five grand.

Right?

And you're not going to eat it.

No, I want the little frozen ones.

He'd go, fucking hell what have i brought up here what have i dragged up yeah the tip to the little frozen ones is

you get your uh air fryer sort of squirt and you just squirt it on the top yeah just to give it a nice little bit of what are you squirting in there with the oil right okay bit of oil on the top yeah uh just so it goes a little bit browner yeah you know so because they're horrible them frozen pieces they're the little chicago town you can never get them right yeah not yeah

yeah chicago town so that and then just these fucking bland fucking especially the four cheese one that he likes.

Yeah.

It's one cheese.

There's no way in the fucking world there's four cheeses on it.

So now and again, there's a cats who curry one, which fucking hell.

God.

But so

it will have a pepperoni.

Sometimes he'll have a cheese and a pepperoni.

Yeah.

You know, just to mix it up.

And I'll just do some fries in the air fryer and that's him done.

Chop up a bit of cucumber to make myself feel better.

Yeah.

See him sort of gnaw around that because he won't really eat veggies and stuff.

My daughter, she's 17.

She's

a little bit more open with food it has to be certain things certain pastas you know like pasta is the same thing innit not the nude pasta i'm talking about dried pasta no matter what shape it is it tastes the fucking same doesn't it but it has to be if i do her this i do a vodka pasta it has to be the little uh far felli uh-huh the dicky bows yeah and i'm sorry to say this wheel but it's that they're a cunt to get hold of yeah yeah yeah you know like penne sweet rigatoni you can get hold of the fusion

all over this yeah but the fucking far felly, it's got to be a certain gaff, you've got to get it.

There's another one, the shells, it begins with a C.

Yeah, I know, I know

pockets of love now.

If you do them with a bologna's, you know, it's uh, it's a beautiful thing, but no, they're great because they catch loads of salts,

yeah.

Little pockets, it's just you know, it's beautiful, but it's got to be far felly.

So, um, so I've done that for yesterday anyway.

So, now for the rest of the week, I've got to try and come up with, I bought a fucking magnet for the fridge, right?

A menu magnet.

I thought, what we're going to do is we're going to write down what you want to eat all week so I can get it in all in order.

No one's fucking gone near it at all.

They're not interested in it.

So every morning I go, right, what do you want with dinner tonight?

Just try and get it in order.

I don't know.

But I need a rough idea.

Just because later when you're hungry,

because I've legally got feeders.

There's a few things I've got to do until you're 18, which is, you know, feed you, get you about.

You basically just become a cabby and a chef.

That's the fucking two main things.

The other thing is every time they turn the hot water tap on, there's got to be hot water.

When it gets cold, the radiators have to work.

That's the other thing.

And you've got to clothe them.

Yeah.

But when they're 18, that's it.

They can fuck off.

So up to that point, I need to know what the fuck do you want to eat?

Yeah.

So, you know,

so it's always, it's like four different things.

That's what it is.

So luckily by Friday, it's a takeaway.

Yeah.

Just get away with it.

So I don't know what's happening tonight.

There's been no discussions when I left.

So that's good.

So I know it's on me when i get home what the fuck they're gonna it's gonna be frozen oh that's not in the fridge oh why didn't you get that and because you didn't tell me this morning but i do love them yeah yeah i love them very very much yeah yeah yeah but um if you if you haven't got kids there's no rush yeah yeah

how are you roasting the lamb are you doing are you doing it like slow roast or just like no i whack it in there about hour and 20 a bit of lemon on it a bit of pepper a bit of salt that's the game i'm in lovely very very simple also it's good the the lamb juice with your taters

because obviously you do different meats.

But I always find that the lamb one sort of sticks to the tater more because obviously you put the lamb in first and then a bit of goose fat in a separate uh little uh sort of baking tray thing, put your taters in that, and then you whack that all in with a lamb and just get all that filth all over it.

You know, amazing, all that lamb blood.

Amazing.

And I want to pick it up with my hand and all.

I don't want to fuck about the night before.

I want to smash into that.

Yeah.

You know, sort of dripping down my chin.

It's all Henry VIII, sort of.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Hey, don't do Henry VIII references or not.

Well,

he did iron out my 15 times great-grandfather.

Yeah.

Mad, that, ain't it?

It is mad.

Fucking mental, that one.

I mean, I couldn't give a fuck about King Edward III, to be honest.

It was Cromwell that done me.

Yeah.

Because I'd never seen Wolf Hall.

And there's another one coming out, which I'm very excited this year, the second half of it, obviously leading up to him getting his nut chopped off.

And also Mark Rylance, who played him, someone I worked with many moons ago, someone I very much look up to.

But I think

destiny, I must play Thomas Cromwell at some point.

I mean, I'll be devastated if I don't get to play him.

But, you know, just a kid out of Putney, you know, who rose through the ranks.

You know, he fucked off to Florence, as you do, you know, in the sort of 16th century, learnt loads of languages, became a lawyer, came back, became his best mate.

Yes, there were some issues around the church.

That sort of stuff.

But I got some really, some really horrible messages actually off from people digging me out for what Cromwell done, you know, because

but but but he but his last thing that he did, and I've said this before, this is why I love him, is that I wouldn't be here if before he had his nut off, he made sure his son Gregory, my 14 times great-grandfather, married Elizabeth Seymour, Marnan,

sister of Jane, because Henry loved Jane.

I mean that was his ultimate treacle, right?

So he didn't kill Gregory.

Yeah.

Because obviously it would have upset Jane and that, because Elizabeth might have, you know, had the ump because obviously, you know, it was a fella.

Yeah.

So he made sure that his son survived by marrying him off to Elizabeth, uh, and then they had a child, and then they had a child, and

then fuck me, 15 generations later, here I am.

Yeah, so it's clever, isn't it?

It's mad, very clever, but more emotional when I watch it, you know, because fuck me, that was my granddad.

Yeah, have any of you still done it yet?

Do you think you're no?

I found Josh Willicamp did it, and for that, he was related to Henry VIII.

Yeah, oh, well, actual Henry VIII.

Yeah, yeah, fuck it.

He's done me then, isn't he?

Well, you two can, I mean, go,

I don't think as many people went crazy after the episode.

People were still pretty...

Wow, I can't believe Josh Williams was related to Henry VIII, but I think there was maybe...

He's quite fair like him, I suppose.

I suppose if he tried to grow some stubborn it would be ginger.

Yeah, yeah.

But

Henry VIII was a busy boy, right?

So he must have been relations.

Well, you know, the fact that, you know, these professors after...

Because I was the first one to be sort of related to King Edward III.

And then these professors all came out and started going well actually everyone's related to king edward the third so i don't know you're getting excited about fucking hell cheers

shitting on me parades i thought well hold on a minute if i if i'm in series 18 yeah yeah

there's no one else but at the yeah oh well it's just because it's you know the one thing that's slightly impressive is that you've got a direct line you know there's no they haven't got to fill in any gaps i thought fucking

cheers yeah you know me one great achievement yeah was that they're going oh well everyone's every every...

So we're all basically all fucking each other's cousins.

We're all cousins.

We're all related.

I just thought I'd break it to you all, you know, because if that's what they're saying.

Don't they check, though?

Don't who do you think you are check that you've got an exciting family like

they approach you?

Yeah.

They like, you know, whether you've got a profile or whatever.

And they go, oh, we've got to do one on you.

They go, have you got the information?

And you go, your mum, and then you go, oh, she just brings out a couple of old fucking photos

from the 60s.

Okay.

And you go back to them and go, well, you know, I think we're related to a family called the buttervants or the butavants who were french that's all you know and then they off you don't hear nothing for six months and then they come back and go and i know a couple of people who they come back and went oh sorry listen yeah we're not going to do it and you go fucking hell no no compensation they go no no we're just not going to we're not going to do one on you that's my fear yeah that's all you know lovely to meet you or like in in my case they come back shaking as an energy and you're like fucking what's going on here like they go yeah i'm going to start filming in about three weeks and what we're going to do is we're going to we'll pick you up on tuesday uh eight o'clock in the morning you go this is mad because the thing about that job is you don't know what you're doing so you know you know like you do a job and you go i'm getting picked up you learn your lines you you know where you're going yeah

in that job you don't even know where you're going in the morning yeah so you know where you're going where the cab's taking you who you're meeting It's really hard to sort of like get in, get up for it.

At the time, I was on a lot of diety pam.

I was going through a mad stage, so I was a bit numbed, but

I was thrilled.

And

the other thing that fucked me off was that, you know, we won a BAFTA.

It was the first one to win a BAFTA for my app.

And, you know, got up there and they done the speech, a bit weird, my family.

And then

you go behind the stage, you know, you feel, we're going to get me BAFTA.

And they all got one but me.

What?

And I stood there like a fucking plum.

I thought there's a few on the table.

And then, so they go four out, one to the producer, one to the director, one to someone else who I'd never even fucking met.

I thought, where's my fucking?

The runner.

I've already got one.

Yeah, but I didn't want to, I didn't want to, again, I didn't want to kick off, you know, like a prick, because,

you know, because I would have looked like, well, where's my BAFTA, you know, storming around?

Sure.

So

I thought, well, that's bollocks.

Like, fucking.

Yeah.

So, you know, I thought even to just get one for that, you know what I mean?

That's nice to have him.

Crazy.

It's not like for a job, like an acting job or anything.

You know, that's the dream.

But just to have one would have been nice.

So, yeah, unfortunately, I didn't fucking get one.

They might have been worried you'd cut the head off the BAFTA.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, yeah.

And I just found that fascinating that my bloodline

got them that my great-granddad spunk.

And I don't get no BAFTA.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

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Your dream side dish, Danny Dyer.

Oh, so a side dish is a weird one, ain't it?

Because what is a side dish?

It's what you're having on your plate, is it?

But it's not.

It comes in a little

half-moon plate, then it may be, I'm thinking.

But I like curry sauce and chips.

Lovely.

There's something about it.

I don't know what.

I mean, it's got to be the right chips, you know.

It needs to be a chip-shop chip.

Like, you can't have curry sauce on fries.

No.

It just doesn't fucking work.

I don't know why.

So it's got to be them nice chip-shop chips.

And I would leave it down to you to how much curry sauce you're going to put on it.

Okay.

Do you want the curry sauce over the top?

Ladle down.

Yes.

And ideally with a plastic folk.

not the little wooden ones, them bollocky little ones.

They're not quite a folk.

I don't know what the fuck they are.

You know, they've got that weird little, I don't know what they are.

Yeah, yeah, chip folks, yeah.

Chip folk.

Yeah.

So I want a plastic folk.

Well, not plastic, because obviously the planet, innit?

Yeah.

You'll be doing paper folks soon.

You watch.

That won't fucking last.

The same as the straws.

It's all bollocks.

Yeah.

Don't give us fucking paper straws when you're still selling bottles of waltz and plastic.

I don't get it.

Vapes now.

Yeah.

So, okay, what we do is

we'll give you a paper straw that's going to last a bit.

You've got to drink that drink fucking lively because that's fucking going to disintegrate.

But yet you can go and buy fucking fruity vapes.

Yeah.

And then you go, well,

it's just the maths ain't,

they don't add up.

Yeah.

But so, okay, let's go for a paper fucking folk.

And I want, to be fair, I would like the chips to be drowning in the curry sauce.

You got it.

It goes back to when I was young and, you know, having a Chinese as a youngster when I'd be out with my mates and I'd have a bit of money in my pocket and I'd go to the takeaway and, you know, we're fucking about, I don't know what we're doing, you know, robbing parcel full fans.

No, I'm joking.

We did once.

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, you have a break from it all.

And then you go to the Chinese, you get the little tin, you get a bit of special fried rice in there, chips, vinegar all over it, and then curry sauce on it.

And you just bowl around on a council estate eating that.

That's the fucking one that is.

Yeah.

I mean, there's something about it.

And that curry sauce has never changed the taste of it.

So I love it.

I love it.

And I think as a side dish, after munching on a leg of lamb i mean i won't be able to move after

they go really nicely together yeah i love the idea of a leg of lamb and i'd be chip shop chips with curry dipping a bit of the lamb in the curry sauce as well oh there you go yeah that means i'd have to maybe take a chunk off with my fingers though of the lamb yeah instead of eating it like not in me the apes yeah liberty table yeah yeah or maybe i could make a just sort of roll it in it you know and then and then smash it down

i might have a go on this yeah yeah when i'm indoors on my own yeah You can write it on the menu, on the fridge menu for yourself.

Ah, I could do it for myself.

You can write it there and go.

There you go, kid.

When you have to start busying yourself and judging me on it.

It's something you've got to eat on your own.

You're sitting in your pants.

You know what I mean?

With a fan on.

Was there a fish and chip shop or a chip shop growing up that was like the best one that you always went to?

That you had the best chips?

It was one near me now called Wilson's, which is a good one.

Yeah.

But back in the day,

you had Jade Ass, which was the one that was, you know, down the main road, you know, where everyone would sort of hang out, you know, go up Jade House.

And interestingly, that Chinese used to come in little bags.

That's how long ago it was little white bags.

And you can pick the fucker up because it was so hot, you know what I mean?

But so Jadeas was the one.

And then there was also another one called East Enders Kebabs,

which was weird.

You know, I used to go in there a lot.

And then I know I'd be in it.

EastEnders later on.

I'm glad I ended up in the soap and not the shop workers, you know.

Because some people go and have a a work experience.

But I believe Jade House has gone now.

But I do believe that EastEnders Kebab shop is still there.

Is the font on the sign the same as the EastEnders?

I think they've tried that.

I mean,

that was allowed copyright.

So with the little Thames thing going through it, yeah.

Are there certain lines that you delivered in EastEnders and then you hear the drum doof-doof in your head afterwards?

I would find it impossible.

No, it's always a weird thing that because there's a myth, I think, that there's an actor, you get the scripts and you flick to the back because you want the duffduff.

And there's a record or something.

Someone's done the most of them, but you don't want it because it's horrible.

It's awkward.

You have to hold a gaze for about eight seconds.

And it's the same gaze.

You know, you're slightly constipated.

Because what is it?

It's a cliffhanger.

So it's the faces.

What the fuck's going to happen?

Yeah.

And I remember I got...

I had a whole week.

I got banged up in prison.

And I had to go on holiday, see.

and so they have to sort of work it into the thing but basically I got set up so someone shot theirself and blamed it on me yeah and then put my fingers on the gun yeah and so in prison I was having a bad time it was a it was a daddy on the wing and all that although my coach you know he want to prick he could have it off yeah yeah but obviously he didn't want to get no out because he wanted to get out so at the end of every ep and I had four on the spin was was me getting either bullied or something had happened and it was the same face again so you get exposed yeah yeah you can't mix it up yeah It's got to be, and they're adamant about this, what the fuck is going to happen?

Yeah, yeah.

Tomorrow.

And so, you know, it is a face of, like, I can't quite do it now, but it's, it's a flare of the nostril because you're sort of, yeah,

you're sort of thinking, you're trying to, but you hold it for too long because the camera,

next time you watch it,

it sort of tracks into you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's when you know it's a duffel.

I always know when I'm watching it that, oh, this is a duff talk.

I can see the camera on the move.

Yeah, yeah.

And it never cuts to the other character who's talking to them and just broke the bad news yeah yeah so it's on your boat it's on your boat it's on your boat you've got to hold it got to hold it and then the duff duffs kick in so i would always dread them i got a few in my time uh

interestingly i got one laughing one and i never done it again didn't work yeah it was i laughed on the duff duff because it was shirley breaking it to phil that i was her brother and so and weirdly I laugh when she introduces me as her brother.

I don't know why.

She goes, Phil, this is my brother, Mick.

And I go.

and then you got to carry the laugh on her

they never did it again

we did one jolly christmas once as well yeah and they never did that again because no one wants it no one wants it's not a christmas extenders yeah yeah yeah and we did a jolly up once kathy was round the piano singing um

what was it it was the morgman wise song what is it the famous song that's bring me sunshine bring me sunshine

and they ended this show like that no one wants to watch extenders and they're having a better time than they are at christmas you're right so it didn't work we was all singing around the old joanna people must have thought it was the final episode of east and it felt like it was well no duff duff they're saying it bring me sunshine and padding away

would have been a good way to end it

are your dream drink danny well

it's got to be lager because i just love it i love lager i love it so much i've got to get it the right temperature as well there's a there's a little garage around the corner for me a petrol garage is i mean it's a shit's oldest garage but but the fridge he's got yeah it's the perfect temperature for beer i can't the amount of fridges

and your perfect temperature is in the garage because i can't i can't get my fridges to this yeah it needs to be broke

so this fridge i mean it's like naught or one yeah yeah i can only get mine to go down to three uh-huh which is bollocks it's always cold yeah so all i have to do is i have to quickly get it out zap it in the freezer the beer in my gaff because i had one the other day and and i and i and i was sitting in my garden on my jack i've just had a big renovation job i've not had a garden in nearly two years it's been horrendous yeah anyway i've got a garden i was plotted out and i got me beer fucking perfect i poured it in a lovely glass you know you just sort of hold it up and i've got a good head on it and the thing about it was it was out of a cat it was a stellar it was a uri geller that's i like to call them so anyway i was holding it up i'd just look at it and just think this is just and the head you know because i poured it out of a can the head doesn't last long yeah you've got to get that first few gulps you know and it was just fucking perfect very refreshing so i do love an ice cold lager yeah you know the thing about getting on the piss with them is it's only like the first two or three that taste nice after that it gets a bit chilling you up it's just yeah and you die you could see your tits growing in your belly and you're like oh fucking hell well i've committed now

you know you

you the thing is

by pint eight i don't know about used to yeah you're fucking all over the gaff yeah it's not good it's not good

but once i start on them

what's the rule Is it you can't have wine before beer or beer before wine?

So to mix, to mix, if you commit to beer, you've got to stay on the beer, ain't you?

Yeah.

But preferably in a beer garden as well, you know, is what you'd want.

There is a lager is the only beer that fills that need.

There's no other beer where it's like a hot day and you want to be perfect.

It just looks perfect.

It looks good.

It's perfect.

And I just think to wash down grub as well.

And I don't mind wining that now and again, you know, I must say.

Again, it's about how cold that white wine is.

There's something about, you know, you pour in that glass.

When you go to a white posh restaurant, you know, you know, you're a posh gaffer by the

sort of condensation on the glass.

Yeah.

You know, you can sort of wipe it and it's like, oh, fucking hell.

That's all I take notice of with wine.

And all I don't understand all that oaky, a bit oaky, they say, some of them.

Good nose.

That's the other way,

people sticking their fucking ooter right in it.

And all you're like, fucking hell.

Who are these people?

I do that.

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you understand it?

I don't think I fully understand it, but i'm interested in it so i do the i swirl the glass and give it a sniff and you and then you pull the glass back and then you can tell how much alcohol is in it by by the legs by the there they go there the legs he knows the name the legs on it uh there's something about it wine as well i do like it i do like red and all uh would you have cold red wine or no it's good yeah some some some red wines are really nice colours get the ump over that yeah but there's something that people wine boats would be like how dare you things like you know like spanish red wines and things like that perfectly and all that

I was behind you in a queue at a bar once oh was you not directly behind you right but I had to give up and come back because you had ordered everyone who was standing at the bar shots

classic it was uh it was the interval went to the o2 to watch someone they comped kind of everyone down the front so the pretty much the front section was all comps and yes people that i recognized from different things

and then there was this little bar for all those people.

So, in the interval, went there, and I think you were like, right, come on, shots for all these people, let's do it.

And I had to come back because it was taking quite a while for all the shots to get served to all the people at the front of the bar.

It was a free bar.

I respected it.

I think it was free.

So, I'm giving it a bigger.

Yeah, yeah, you were giving it the bigger.

But it's just all fucking free.

Yeah, it was your idea.

So, what sort of lager do you want?

What particular lager for you?

Well, like I said, I do like a stellar.

I like a strong lager you know i feel like uh i feel like you know that that the first two gets you on a nice sort of vibe it's a tipsy jolly you know when you get beyond that it gets messy and but i like stella i uh it's interesting every birthday i get bought beer for me sort of beers from the world

but it'll only still be stellar and kohlsberg and things like you know they're not

they're not really beers from the world are they they're just out of any fridge that you go to in any offee but they're all made in the uk they're all made in the uk but shout out northampton northampton you know yeah yeah but i will try any any any i do like i i got uh

someone bought me a banana stout once oh yeah and it's fucking horrific but

but

it was 16

wow yeah banana and uh i don't know what was i just i just couldn't work out it was like only a hint banana in it really it wasn't

and it was thick black

yeah you know i but i doubt i got rid of it i thought i got i've committed now yeah yeah but yeah i was off me fucking that afterwards.

I mean, I got rid of it quick.

And it really, I thought, I fucking, it can't be 17%.

That's more than a bottle of wine.

It was only a can.

Yeah.

So never again.

I mean, I wouldn't.

I will try things.

I've tried those things every time.

We get like a box of stuff where it's like different beers.

And there's one like that's 15% or whatever.

I'm like, that's interesting.

I have a go on that and then two sips

straight down the sink.

Yeah.

I can't bring myself to do that.

It's like pouring Marmite down the sink, though, isn't it?

It's just like so thick.

It's thick, yeah.

If it was 2%, yeah, you're what?

right, I'd ding it.

Yeah.

Because it's a naughty thing that's never really been made before.

You go, well, I've got to fucking drink this.

But why nana?

You know, why would you get involved with the nana side of it?

That was wrong.

That was, you know.

So I like trying shit like anywhere I go, really.

I will try any sort of beer.

And I don't mind craft owls and all.

I'll try a bit of that, you know.

The warmer ones,

the ones with no fizz in them confuse me and all.

They go down easy, you know.

But it is always confusing when if you're used to drinking lager and stuff like that, when you have a sip of that and your mouth's ready for the fizz, the fizz, and that's just weird when it's warm flat.

There's no head on it either, and you'll be like, But I will try it, I will try shit.

Listen, I will eat fucking anything, and I will drink anything other than pesto and couscous.

So, my worst nightmare is pesto flavoured couscous.

Yeah, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, that would be all.

What do you not like?

I don't know.

I think I like all the things that make pesto, which is some sort of nut.

Is it what is it?

Pine nuts, pine nuts.

Parsley?

No.

Basil.

Basil, basil.

Garlic in there.

A bit of garlic, a bit of oil.

And cheese, parmesan cheese.

I love all them things, but I don't like it together.

Sure.

I think I had a shit risotto once.

And I'll tell you where it was.

It was with the Almeida theater.

And

yeah, I ate it.

And I thought,

this is awful.

And so I've never been able to go.

I'll probably be all right of it now, actually.

And couscous.

It's like a mouthful of air.

It's got no substance, texture.

I just don't like it.

I don't like the look of it.

It's just the something about it.

It's just, the fuck is it?

It's not rice, is it?

It's not

pasta.

No.

It's not taters.

No.

It's just, I don't know, it's little balls of just fucking nothingness.

Yeah.

And

I just think, I just think, no, not, not for me.

Not for me.

It goes really well with lamb, I find.

Yeah, actually, to be fair.

It does go really well.

Well, if someone done it, I mean, I'd have a mouthful, you know, out of respect for, but there's no way in the world I'd go out of my way for fucking couscous.

No.

So other than that, I would eat fucking anything.

And I've tried everything, you know, I'll tune the spunk.

That was a revelation to me.

In Sicily, it's a, you know, like,

what's the word?

Like a

delicacy.

But it is just tuna spunk.

And it looks like brain as well.

So there's not very...

So I had a bang on that.

And

all right.

Yeah.

Better than pesto.

Yeah, better than pesto.

Yeah.

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We arrive at your dream dessert, Danny.

Well, tuna spunk?

Yeah, maybe.

Bit of sugar

Well, I've gone for something, again, going back to my youth because I think food's a lot to do with nostalgia.

And it would have to be a Wimpy's Knickerbocker glory.

Lovely.

Something that I could never, ever attain as a child.

Yeah.

And, you know, on rare occasions that my mother, you know, single parent, I get it.

It was a ladding wimpy.

We felt pushed because you had a fucking, went like McDonald's.

You got a plate and a fucking knife and fork in there.

We'd only be able to have a burger and chips if we were lucky, or just a burger.

Yeah.

But I would look at people in there that had got the knickerbocker glory and thought, fucking hell what a life you lead yeah i mean i can't imagine you know i bet yeah i bet they were being driven in bentleys yeah so it was aspirational again like the sparkling water yeah it is yeah so and a big fuck-off thing you know just so many ingredients it just looks so appealing and just just so lovely and so i i i think the idea of being allowed i have as many as i want now i haven't been in wimping ages and there's one near me in lounton is there still i didn't i didn't know that no the the uh the i and the m doesn't work on the light which is always a worry in it they've not they've not replaced the bulbs in there yeah so you can tell it's hanging on for fucking dear life it's wimpy but it's it's still about but there's a bus stop just outside it as well so that's why so that means when i go in there's gonna be people they're gonna recognize me when i walk this ass ag watching me through the window eating me knickerbocker glory on my own so did you go in there uh no i've had to deliver road from there yeah but i feel like i should go in there just because they still look the same didn't they still got the bollocky little sort of bonquette bits and yeah it's something about a wimpy i think they do a fucking good chip.

Better than McDonald's chips now.

McDonald's, you have to buy salt now, don't you?

With your McDonald's chips, because they go, no, no, no, we'll look after you.

You know, we know, so we won't put any salt, but you can have six sachets to buy it if you want.

Yeah.

And just staying on the on the uh on the McDonald's vibe, that that Mega Mac.

I mean, fucking hell.

Talking through the Mega Mac.

Well,

I think it's three Big Macs at once.

Now, usually when I get a McDonald's, I like to get a burger starter.

Yeah, then a Big Mac meal.

Yeah.

Just a regular one.

I won't go crackers.

Yeah.

And maybe six nuggets.

Yeah.

And if I fancy it, a nice nice apple pie because then you need to let the apple pie sit then you for a bit because it's a you know it's fucking it's a tall.

It's hot.

So I will start with a burger.

Like a cheeseburger.

Scottish jack.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I just want to pick it up and smell the bun.

It still smells the same from the 80s.

So I have had, just because

I just I've got to the mega mac.

Yes.

But I won't because it also comes with a slice of bacon if you want it right so i refuse the bacon because you know got to look after your heart so what i what i'm saying is if i get the mega mac meal i won't start with a burger okay because then i'm eating sort of seven burgers

which is

which is frightening if you think about it so i'll just go straight uh mega mac large meal just a simple mega mac and it does work it's it's if you're into that sauce because that you know that big mac sauce is a fucking thing yeah and during lockdown I tried to make one because we all had a birthday in lockdown didn't we a fucking depressing sort of birthday where you cry and my child had a 13th bless as a biggin and all we was allowed to do is walk through the woods for today yeah so I tried to make her a Big Mac and I it up because I just couldn't get the buns you can't get the buns anywhere yeah so I was chopping up buns I couldn't you know because there's buns within the buns and all that sort of stuff but the sauce which I googled I made it and then I but I didn't I didn't read I didn't read it to the end.

You've got to leave it in the fridge for two hours.

Right.

And then it tastes like the sauce.

What the fuck?

So whatever you're doing, it needs to sort of stew a bit.

And so I learned.

So anyway, that's bollocks.

It's fine anyway.

But then I did it again just because I needed to see.

And then after I'd left it in the fridge for two hours, it was Big Mac sauce.

Amazing.

Wow.

Anyway, she was so depressed that day, that poor kid.

I saw her trying to get through this fucking old thing that I'd made her.

So I was a bit down and all, because, you know, I hadn't pulled it out of the bag.

And then we got

out an old Colin the Caterpillar, because all you could get.

that yourself handles on it no no fucking look

caterpillars crying

you know it's just one of those we all had it we all experienced it yeah for sure you know just that you know and and so so i did try i try to be a good dad that day she still reminds me of it and stuff but so yeah i think i think for me mcdonald's was open though right no no there was a thing where when when it went when it when it was allowed to be opened again yeah it was all over everyone with crackers but then you go oh what a touch and then you go to the drive-thru and it'd be three miles long yeah yeah yeah sure and you go should we sit in it yeah no actually it's worth it we will sit in this car for three hours yeah you know what i mean and then you go and spend because i'm caked 80 quid on mcdonald's just get every burger just get you know 18 fries you're ordering it for the whole yeah we've sat there for three fucking hours isn't you so but i remember it was a thing it came out and didn't know oh god mcdonald's is going to be open you know that doesn't matter the world's dying mcdonald's is finally fucking open

so you know wimpy wimpy really is a classio affair but that knickerbocker glory in there and and you know talking like this quite openly and frankly about it makes me want to slip in there to see if they still have it they also used to do a banana split that came in a dish that was shaped like a nana bananas yeah yeah and that was fascinating to me i was never gonna be able to go well that must have been the most expensive thing on the fucking yeah sure and i cut it in half and then i'd see that they'd put ice cream on it and then cream and then the cream on the top again me just looking at the other kids you know like fucking olive a twist yeah and then my childhood had a good childhood by the way not digging my mother out but we were skin And, you know, you just got a little bit of a music.

Banana splits, man.

It's a mad munch there, isn't it?

Banana.

Yeah, yeah.

Split.

The first time I've had a banana split, I can't remember.

I was there with my cousins.

I remember that.

And didn't know a banana split was a thing.

We all ordered them and they were humongous.

Yeah, huge.

Yeah.

And I've never had one like it since.

All the ones that, but like this one had like multiple bananas either side.

It was like they were like, you know, when the adults, when you're a kid and the adults go, you're not going to finish that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you do and you polish it up on the piece.

And the two pieces on the top yeah it was so good wow that that method that chocolate sauce that sort of like yeah i loved it filth in it yeah but there's there's some sort of nourishment in there a bit of potassium in there yeah it's potassium in they can't get you on that so that's what i'm saying that's fruit it's one of your five a day so i'm assuming there's something good in that knickerbock of glory somewhere so so yeah i think i'd just uh finish off my meal with a knickerbock of glory do they bring it with a long spoon yeah i love the long spoon big big naughty got to get to the bottom it's the only thing that that long spoon's used for for.

It must be.

Yeah.

It must be.

You know what I mean?

It's rare to get through it.

I mean, there's a lot of fucking...

You want to, because you look at the bottom of it, and the bottom bit's probably the best.

So there's like fudge in the bottom.

And as you're fucking about with it, you're mixing it all together.

But you're just, you're so fucked.

By the time you get there, you just...

you know, you need to give it to someone else, unfortunately.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Danny.

Say how you feel about it.

According.

You would like chilled sparkling water.

You would like poppadoms with all the dips, no salad.

Starter, a prawn cocktail with some crab sticks to dip in the merrows.

And lobster in the porn cocktail.

And some lobster in the prawn cocktail.

Main course, a whole leg of roast lamb with all the trimmings.

Side dish, chip-chop chips with curry sauce and a paper fork.

Drink, you would like an ice-cold lager from the garage around the corner.

Dessert, you would like a wimpy Knickerbocker glory.

I mean, that's...

You're smiling.

It's giving me a lazy lob on.

Just you reading that back to me.

That's all we want for our guests.

You do seem genuinely happy hearing that back.

We're just looking for that's a good that's a good day.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

So I'm happy with that, yeah.

Do you want to enjoy that meal with your family around the table, everyone ignoring each other?

No, no, so my ideal environment in this restaurant would be, and I know this is odd, sitting in front of a telly.

And I'll tell you what I like to watch.

Mm-hmm.

I like to watch, I have a Nigel Slater.

Yeah.

Tom Kerridge's got a, I like watching people

like fucking James Martin fucking about in France.

Right?

You know, like the preparing of food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, like there's something in that for me.

Yeah.

Like I like watching these shows.

I think Jamie Oliver did one without air fryers.

And that I could fucking, you know, eating grub while watching him fucking about with an air fryer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It did really appetizing to me.

But then, but weirdly, when I've ate it, I'll turn it off quick.

It's like when you're watching porn.

And as soon as you've shot your bolt, you think, oh, that's disgusting.

You're sort of disgusted within yourself.

you go i'll never watch that again ever it's that it's that moment after the last mouth was gone i go get this shit off you know so so that would what i i ideally would like to go to this restaurant on me home in front of a nice little telly yeah uh a bit of uh what's his name a bit of key floyd on yeah

he's the ultimate was good when he hear me you know fucking hell you know he was pissed up while he was doing it yeah yeah bottle of wine yeah fucking about you know so yeah that's that's my way you know i do like doing that lovely i don't want to watch i don't want to watch like Killing Eve.

I want to watch people preparing fucking food.

And as soon as we can do it for you in the dream restaurant, where as soon as you've swallowed the last mouthful, they'll tell it just goes off.

It just goes off, yeah.

And puts in a bit of porn.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

So you can feel disgusted with yourself in another

way.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Danny.

God bless you both.

Thank you, Danny.

Fantastic.

Fantastic menu.

Genuinely

one of the happiest I've seen someone look when we've read their menu back to them.

Delighted.

And I think we got a lot more than we bargained for.

So many details about Danny's life.

Yeah, absolutely love the episode.

Crucially, with my ropey voice,

didn't have to say a lot.

Didn't have to say much.

I mean, you know, if people are wondering if Ed was edited out,

because he kept chiming in with controversial opinions, that did not happen.

No, no, no, no,

didn't need to say anything.

You basically just said, what do you want next?

I said dream dessert, dream starter, not in that order.

But like, that's all I had to do.

Thank you so much, Danny, for making our job easy.

Fantastic episode.

Don't forget to watch Rivals on Disney Plus.

That is out now.

Go watch it.

Sounds brilliant.

And he didn't say pigs feet.

He didn't say pigs feet.

He did mention Trotters.

He's used the word Trotters.

On holiday as well.

And just for the listener, just so you know.

I think we were both poised to bring up the David Cameron thing after we said that.

But by the time there was a gap, gap, he had moved on to a whole other topic entirely.

I thought it's going to be ridiculous if I say, hey, you know, earlier on you said you're on holiday with your trotters up.

Yes.

Isn't that a bit like when you said David Cameron went on holiday, he had his trotters up?

I was like,

it's irrelevant now.

So we left it.

But he may have mentioned trotters, but they weren't on his menu.

Also, I do want to make that clear to people.

Someone can mention secret ingredient.

Yes.

As long as it's not on their menu, then we don't kick them out.

People are still confused over this yeah so i mean you know ed is ed is on the socials and poor guy i've abandoned him on now leave him on there high and dry on his own he gets all of the shit actually benito gets most of it i think and long may that continue

but ed gets more than he deserves don't forget to message benito saying i would like a signed chopping board he'll have to send you one yeah say message benito and say dear great bonito um if a guest says the secret ingredient but doesn't put it on their menu, that means they are still allowed to stay in the restaurant.

I have understood the rule.

Please might I have a signed chopping board.

Bonito's cutting all this.

Is he?

Yeah.

Why would he do it?

It's funny.

And don't forget, of course, I am back out on tour doing hot niggity dogs.

Yes.

Going all over the place from the end of September right through to the end of November, including a big show at the London Palladium on November 23rd.

So come along to that.

And if you want to come and see me film a new special, I will be in Salford at the Salford Lowry doing two nights in January.

Come along and watch me do that.

It's going to be a sort of mix between this show and the last show.

A few extra bits thrown in.

I'm very excited about it.

Come along if you want to be part of comedy history.

And listen, that is special stuff because I don't know if people are aware, but very few comics just do back-to-back one year after the other.

two completely different shows.

Both amazing shows, both hilarious.

This guy is going to take the best of each of those, put them in one special and film it in one of the country's best venues you've got to get to that i'm excited for you ed thank you james thank you very much for listening to the off many podcasts we will see you again next week bye-bye goodbye

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity click click.

London, we're coming.