Ep 263: Josh Widdicombe

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the chips of conversation and adding the cheese of humour.

Cheesy chips.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Gaster.

Together we own a dream restaurant.

Every single week, we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Josh Widow.

I could have put some chili and garlic sauce on the chips, I suppose.

Could have been so many things you could have done, but I respect it.

Just the purity of cheesy chips.

I felt it was cheesy chips, and that's it.

And, you know, maybe that's fitting for this episode, because I imagine Josh Whittakham, when it comes to food, it's Sibulkanagar.

Simple Kanaga.

Straightforward.

But a wonderful man and a wonderful comedian.

A wonderful man, wonderful comedian.

We've both known him for many, many, many years.

Worked with him several times.

Definitely, I mean, you know, thought, well, we'll definitely get Josh on at some point.

From day one, we were like, he's in the bankrupt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'll do it whenever.

But sometimes you take people for granted.

You do.

Well, not anymore.

Not anymore.

He's here.

And look, we'll be talking about his new tour.

Yeah.

Not my cup of tea.

That's what the tour's called.

Yes.

Yeah.

And also a description of how I feel about Josh.

No, not my cup of tea.

It's happening in September 2025.

Get your tickets early.

And Josh's tour is on sale this Friday.

So make sure you go to joshwitticam.com and you get yourself some tickets.

If you like laughing, get to the show.

Get to the show.

Yeah.

Listen, we love josh but if he says the secret ingredient an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant rules are rules and today the secret ingredient is a goat's cheese and caramelized onion tartlets this is your suggestion would you please explain why it's such a specific thing for josh it's the last thing he ate before he got swine flu

um uh quite a few years ago um i remember him telling me that he can't go near them now he can't have them yeah but then i also have a memory of him telling me that he's started to be able to eat them again okay

so it's not because some people will get annoyed if we're picking something that they definitely won't pick yeah yeah but maybe his love for goat's cheese and caramelized onion tartlets is back with a vengeance yes so it'd be fun for that to be the thing that gets him kicked out and we ruin it for him again yeah so then it's like he's got another negative memory attached to it yeah and therefore he has to stop eating them again yeah so absolutely funny it would be funny to do that um should we get on get on with it i think we should get on with it everyone wants to hear what Josh William's dream menu is.

Why stand on ceremony?

This is the off-menu menu of Josh Woodcombe.

Welcome, Josh, to the dream restaurant.

Delighted to be here.

Welcome, Josh Woodicum, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Not as much as I've been expecting me either.

This has taken a while.

Well, do you know what?

I've on more than one occasion been complimented on my appearance on off-menu by people because they just assumed they just assumed that they've listened to it.

I wonder who they've confused you with or like have they just

gone, he must.

Well, I mean, that's true, but like, I think very early on, we were like, look, there's loads of people that we know who would be brilliant on it.

So let's not.

So let's put them first.

So let's not get...

Well, let's not burn out all our all our brilliant reserves early doors.

Who's still on the bench?

Or is this it?

A lot of people.

Beckett is on the bench.

Beckett is like, you know, obviously fantastic podcast royalty.

Yeah.

And I think maybe we've been too cocky, actually, with Beckett.

No, well,

I think we think we've got Beckett whatever we want.

I don't think that is actually.

He likes to sell, though, doesn't he?

If you get him at the right time, yeah.

I think the thing is, there was a point about a year ago where I thought, when they asked me, I'm going to say no.

That's going to show him.

And then instantly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm available.

Yeah, yeah.

Thursday night, 9.30.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

Beckett's a hard get now, I think.

He doesn't like to leave his house.

He doesn't like to leave his house.

We tried to get him to do the Taskmaster podcast that I do once, and he went, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll do your food one.

He's bartering already.

But that was about three years ago.

Yeah, now we're in trouble.

You get Rob Beckett when he's contractually obliged to do promo.

He'll definitely do this over Lorraine.

Yeah, it's not like he can hold anything over us and go, well, I won't book you for mine.

It's like we're childless.

I know, i know but i'm waiting i mean that rob does genuinely say that to me he's like when are you gonna have kids

you two are just ambulance chasers

yeah i'm a good kind of ambulance we go to we go too early now yeah so you're like interview joel like even like four months into the pregnancy

get the first one in because you know you can get another one post-birth yeah exactly the same reaction that he got for our podcast joel from yours uh what the protein shape yeah they absolutely hated him did they they still hate his guts yeah well no I think if we re-booked him we would because I saw him the other day and he said how he just it's just great it's just easy parenting isn't it and I was like yeah we're probably not gonna book you in actually Joel

but um we don't want people enjoying the process parenting heaven yeah it's not parenting heaven no that's got to have crossed your mind at some point parenting heaven do another one yeah do another podcast there's another podcast called parenting heaven well i wonder whether we should we really missed the opportunity to, you know, franchise the hell like the rest is.

Of course.

Have you thought about doing off other things?

Yeah.

Well, I'm not sure that we, yeah, we'd have to get other hosts in for those.

Yeah, but you could do a sports one that's like off team shit.

Off the ball.

That's like off the ball.

That's much better.

Yeah, yeah.

Off the ball.

And then it's like your dream and you'd be like a genie football manager or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be a genie football manager.

But the problem with that is

the dream concept, and I'm not saying it was necessarily us who started it,

but there's a lot of other podcasts that now do the dream thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that football manager one has already happened.

Oh, right.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

With some other people.

Music, of course, has happened 80 years before you started this with Desert Islands.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, come on.

It's different.

They're not screaming, you know, Elvis or Roy Orbison at the the top of their voices, are they?

There's a missing trick.

Why is there not a genie on it?

I'm not into Desert Island discs.

No, you're not.

It seems very up your street.

I assumed you were.

I've known you for a long time.

Well, you're about to have your assumptions blown today.

Yeah.

Because they don't talk about the music enough.

They'll just choose a song and then they'll talk about like...

The memories attached to it.

Well, they won't even do that.

They'll just be like, that was...

Oasis or whatever.

And then they'll go, now let's talk about your mum.

And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah.

It's like, it's not connected enough for me.

I love the idea of you screaming at your radar going, don't talk about your mum.

Ask about why he chose the song more.

Yeah, because you'll probably get into that.

You know,

that's what happened.

Exactly, yeah.

Although when I listened to the Graham Coxon one of this, I had the opposite.

Yeah, you were fuming.

Stop talking about fumes.

You are absolutely.

The opportunity you've got here.

I don't think anyone's ever been angrier about a podcast than you were about the A, that we got Graham Coxon.

Furious.

Yeah.

And B, that we didn't talk to him enough about blur

no barely it barely scratched the surface i put up blur versus oasis

exactly what do you want oh my god

that's what everyone wants to know about

that's the hot topic yeah exactly oh man just talking to him about some fucking tacos

does because this was brought up on a text group that we were on and you were like i can't believe uh you interviewed coxswain and all this and i just remembered that during during that conversation, we made a lineup that I still don't think we've cleared up with the person who we were duping.

I think Ellis James might still think that we've interviewed Paul McCartney.

Yeah, I think he does.

Yeah.

But that's not out the question.

He's big on the food scene.

He could be promoting.

He loves Romesh.

He loves Romesh.

Romesh has been on this podcast.

Exactly.

Kevin Bacon's.

Doesn't like bacon.

Neither does Romesh.

Don't bring up bacon.

neither do you of course neither do i of course if we're talking food yeah yeah so i've been vegetarian all my life lifelong veggie lifelong veggie yeah haven't even tried it uh i've had it i have tried it and then the last time i ate meat was in rio in 2016 yeah at the paralympics when i was really drunk and uh me and alex brooker picked up the wrong subways

Rio 2016.

Yeah.

Such a like huge, amazing Brazil.

What a beautiful country.

You're getting drunk with Alex Brooker and having a subway.

Yeah, yeah.

3 a.m.

subway.

Get what you deserve.

Yeah, yeah.

And I ate a full foot-long steak sub without realizing it.

Well, the only way I realized was right near the end, so I didn't eat quite full.

I was like, I didn't order cheese sauce.

Because it has that cheese.

And then Alex was like, oh, wait.

And then we realised we got the wrong one.

But I thought it was just like a Brazilian like veggie patty kind of thing.

yeah.

So, I but I threw up because I think not because my body rejected it, but I think the thought of it, yeah, especially so much, yeah, like a foot-long full cow.

Basically,

that's it, that's the proportions.

I think, yeah, they get a whole calf into one of those foot-long suns, exactly.

Yeah,

it's actually less cruel to do the foot-long than have half a calf and then the half because

yeah, you're not wasting anything there, it's no, it's nose to tail, yeah, exactly.

Use the whole animal, man.

Yeah,

What was Booker's reaction?

Was he like, oh, actually, mine was delicious, so I might go veggie now.

No, it wasn't.

He's a committed carnivore.

No, I don't remember.

It was like 3 a.m.

and it was the last night.

Yeah.

And so...

So we weren't going to go for like a Michelin-starred meal.

No.

You probably would have.

Yeah.

Immediately?

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

It's meo at the Olympics.

Yeah.

Paralympics.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Why do you hate the disabled?

Finally after that.

Finally time I'm on last leg.

Every time I'm on last leg, opening question, oh, guys, come on.

I see two reasons, Serge.

Yeah, this is a pre-record, right?

Last time I saw Brooker, he had to have a word with me because we were playing the Taskmaster football game, and I kept on passing it to him by,

and I wasn't thinking, but I just kept

kicking it quite high in the air.

And he said, can you stop?

I said, James, I've got what I've got one foot.

Can you stop kicking it high in the air for me?

So So I've got to go after it.

Like that's not lobbing people and passing it to me is not the best way of doing this.

But were you, are you a good enough football player to be under control?

No, it was just like every time it just happened to me that I was like panicking and like

controling

Brooker.

Yeah, lobbing Brookham every time.

It's like, with all due respect, I've stopped doing that.

He's someone else that we've not had that would definitely be great.

Come on, absolutely.

Get the Booker for Brooker.

You've got a book of the Brooker.

Now, before we get into your food choices, Josh, why don't you tell us about not my cup of tea?

Oh, yes.

I'm on tour.

Yeah.

I'm back.

You're back.

When was the last tour?

Wait, it straddles COVID.

So it was 2019 to 2021.

That's a huge tour.

Yeah.

That wasn't as huge.

It sounds like a huge tour, but there was a huge, there was a huge gap in the middle.

This guy loves the rug.

Yeah.

It's relentless.

Josh, the only comedian who insisted on touring throughout lockdown.

Yeah.

I know.

You've got to go.

No one was allowed to come.

Russell Hammond and Josh like ships in the net,

touring the world.

Bringing happiness.

You'd just go to the empty theatres, wouldn't you, just to soak in the atmosphere?

And to be honest, in the second half of the tour, I'm still going to quite empty theatres.

This is why we finally had you on the podcast, because you finally named a tour after a drink.

Yes.

Exactly, yeah.

So we're like, oh, this guy actually gets it.

I get it.

I get it.

Yeah, I love tea.

You do love tea.

I love tea.

Yeah.

I've got, and it's got out of control, actually.

But I realised I named the tour and I couldn't come up with any stand-up about tea.

I've been really trying.

Well, you're talking to Mr.

Lasagna, I've heard.

Yeah, trust me, mate.

They don't know.

Now I'm just looking at the title.

No, they're not.

My current show is called Hot and Diggity Dog.

Not one mention of hot dogs.

Not one mention of hot dogs.

First of all, it's the comedy of all.

Yeah.

If you put a food or a drink in your show title.

Can't mention it.

Never mention it.

I was thinking of drinking a tea on stage.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

It's quite late in the evening.

Well, you could drink a decaffeinated tea, couldn't you?

I could drink a decaffein.

They're never going to know.

No, they're not going to know.

For how long are you going to be drinking that?

Like, it's going to go cold.

It's going to be like the second half.

I'm going to actually be a bit thirsty and there's going to be like a stewed cold tea on it.

A flask?

Is it a case of a flask?

The nice thermos.

Also, you definitely tell people it was decaffeinated.

That's so in persona to be like.

Don't worry, everyone, it's decaffeinated.

Well, you know about my problems with coffee.

Do you know about my problems with coffee?

So when I was at university, I got really into coffee.

Not in a way where you'd just where you knew about it.

Not like Ellis James, who's like growing his own beans.

Just I drunk six cups a day, maybe.

And then I was throwing up every morning.

Okay.

I suspect this wasn't coffee-based.

No, it was.

It was.

because then I cut out the caffeine.

Yeah.

And now, if I have a coffee, I have like such a high and then such like a come down.

Yeah.

Like if I had a coffee now, in the afternoon, I'd think, why am I depressed?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I had a coffee.

Yeah.

It's like too much for me.

Wow.

You're puking constantly.

No, no, I'm not anymore because I've stopped drinking as well.

So I'm just cutting out all the things that make me puke.

That's clever.

I haven't puked in a year and a half.

I haven't been to Subway in a while.

I haven't been to Subway.

Oh, that was another one, yeah.

Yeah.

But that was alcohol-related related in a way sure yeah some of them made that mistake yeah but they're both there stopped hanging out with brooker stopped hanging out with brooker because he makes me sick

i love everyone else's uni stories are like i was boozing so much i got really into drugs when i was at uni and like i had a big coffee problem i had a big old coffee problem were you just having like normal coffee to all you get having lattose lattice all the time six lattice a lot of milk as well milk yeah a lot of milk so much milk six of them a day maybe i was lactose intolerant looking back well there's milk in that tea we've got yeah but it's it's on a smaller scale

because they do say like you can't drink is it's if you try and drink a certain amount of milk is it four points you just your body rejects it you projectile vomiting yeah whatever yeah we could try that at the end of the podcast today yeah little bonus content online people want to sign up for that well that's very exciting the new josh widdcombe tour and people will have to buy tickets to see if you do end up drinking tea on stage exactly buy your tickets you know i kind of get the thing.

I don't, I mean, you guys have had to promote stand-up tours where you go, there's never anything to say except this is me doing stand-up.

If you like me, you'll enjoy it.

If you don't, you don't.

You just need to tell people it's happening.

It's just happening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's coming around the country

next September to Christmas and then probably again afterwards.

I think the main thing to promote with stand-up tours that go on Sala Year in Advance is buy your tickets, but then when it comes to next year, don't forget that it's on yeah put a reminder in yeah in your phone that you're connecting

because yeah i've been to people all the time we go we had tickets to see you the next day we were getting ready and then we looked at our phones and realized it was the day before

you know oh thank you oh shit thanks thanks for the money yeah thanks for the money yeah when i was doing those covert gigs yeah so i did cardiff rearranged on st david's day

um rearranged onto st david's day three years after it had gone on sale oh my god sold out less than half full oh my god, wow, isn't that mad?

Yeah, that's insane.

It was also Pancake Day, but I can't imagine that's made that much of an impact.

It can't

have kept anyone away, can it?

Do you have any idea how rare it is that said David's Day falls on pancakes

in Wales?

They were going insane.

Of course, think of the themed pancakes they could be working.

So many like dragon-shaped pancakes.

Yeah, a rare bit pancake.

Rulch cake pancakes.

Dare we mention leaks?

Yeah, there's no way they would have come to your gig.

They're full of Sustain pancakes.

They're all puking because I've had so many pancakes.

That's really good.

We've got Goshmo pancakes.

Eight pints of milk through pancakes.

Still a sparkling water, Josh Williams.

Sparkling water, please.

I wouldn't have predicted this.

No, me neither.

I would wake you up.

Get ready for the ride.

Okay.

Because maybe I'm not the person you think I am.

Well, already I'm thinking, who is this guy?

I love sparkling.

Wow.

I've got a thing at home so that you can have sparkling water without the guilt of the plastics.

Right.

It's not a soda stream.

Yeah.

Just to be clear.

Yes.

My tour gets picketed.

It's a different make of the same thing.

Yeah, a water carbonator.

A water carbonator, yeah.

Yeah.

It's difficult, isn't it?

Because there is a brand name.

It looks like Hoover, isn't it?

But yeah, I've got a water carbonator.

So I'm probably knocking out a litre and a half of fizzy water a day.

Wow.

Is it first thing in the morning?

Is that how you hydrate when you wake up?

No, I don't really hydrate when I wake up.

When are you having your first sip of water?

So I start the day with tea.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Obviously.

Obviously.

And then I'm probably on four or five teas by lunchtime.

Wow.

Wow.

This guy.

Is that too many, do you think?

It's a lot.

Yes.

I would say it's where have you got the time to do that?

Well, they don't just sit and drink the tea.

But you're constantly like doing stuff, having tea at the same time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I can multitask like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

When I got here and Ben offered me a tea, I didn't say, well, yeah, but we should start the podcast.

You know, I can't do anything while I have my tea.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember in the early days of us on the open mic circuit and we would meet up at each other's houses and try and write stuff and work on our material.

You would be chaining the cups of tea.

Training the tea.

And I remember you saying to me once how you absolutely love it the more teas you have because the mug is getting stained with the previous tea and it's all building up and you're getting like it's like like each cup of tea is taking on the remnants of the tea before it i've got no memory of this i remember you say to go i love it because like look like like you know now it's got like you can see how it's like the mug's getting just dirtier as the day goes on with all the tea and it's like the history of the previous cups of tea like cutting a tree and seeing the rings yeah you can see how many cups you've had for rings of tea yeah maybe it was it was a point oh wow but i now drink water in turns with my tea because otherwise you're not enjoying the tea oh so you drink water not for a like hydrating person no no i do i like to hydrate i'm big on hydration but tea tea is hydrating you as well right i don't think it is is it i don't i still don't know what the truth is of that yeah well i did i hear this about coffee as well don't drink coffee it dehydrates it's like it's got water in it of course it doesn't yeah it's not the sea is it no

but it's not like tea's sea's got water in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That doesn't make sense.

But what I mean is I love fizzy water.

So if I go out for dinner, I'll have a big bottle of fizzy water.

Yeah.

Lunch, big bottle of fizzy water.

It's a good way of getting your water in.

Well, but normal water's boring.

See, the thing is, but I could imagine if I was doing like an AI Josh Woodicum stand-up set.

Like in my head, I could imagine you doing that.

That's essentially what I'll be doing

from next September.

I could imagine you having a a routine talking about people who like sparkling water and getting angry at them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, don't rule it out.

Yeah.

Anything that works.

They said to me, do you want sparkling water?

I said, no, because I'm not living La Vida Loca.

I should have brought that.

Yeah, but I am fun.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're saying the sparkling water proves that you're fun.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know how to have a laugh.

Sparkling water it is.

People surprise when you go out for meals and you order the sparkling.

People look at you differently and go, whoa, I didn't think you'd.

We've got a fun guy in town.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think...

I didn't realise it was such a statement.

Yeah, it's mad.

It doesn't add up with you at all.

But wait till you hear my menu.

But it'll come to it.

But like, I just think it's more fun.

It's quite exciting.

You can't have too much.

Like, it's quite thrilling to try and beat the bubbles.

What?

Talk us through it.

Just see how long you can go.

Drinking sparkling water from a bottle.

Beat the bubbles.

Beat the bubbles.

Michael McIntyre's The Wheel Wheel is a wonderful show, but I think when that naturally fades away, I think Josh Ridder can't beat the bubbles

next in line.

Yeah, yeah.

Each therapy is in a bubble, like one of those big, you know, orbs.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're all racing to the answer.

There's all the answers are written on the floor.

And you've got to like, yeah, canster wheel it over to the right answer.

I think beat the bubbles as a round where you've got fizzy water.

It'd be like who wants to be a millionaire, right?

Yeah.

So the first round is a one-second press on

your carbonator.

Yeah.

Up to a 15-second press, and each time you have to down and down a pint of it, and you deal with the pain.

The pain.

Yeah, yeah.

Beat the bubbles.

Beat the bubbles.

I think James's idea has more longevity as a shiny floor entertainment show.

Yeah, yeah.

People chugging.

That's the thing with James.

He's a populist.

Yeah.

Mine's hosted by Bubble from Big Brother.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah,

best moment, best TV moment of all time.

I forgot that.

What run me for it?

He's he's called to the garden for some time.

There was like a task where there was like an alarm thing where they all had to go and line up in the garden or something,

and the alarm went off, and he was like, and like panicked and ran top speed.

But his thigh hit the sofa, and he basically did an immediate full flip.

Pop dumbs off bed, pop dumbs off bed, Josh Winnicken, pop dumbs off bread, Pop a dumbs.

Interesting.

100%.

Yeah.

Love it.

I have got an AI routine about bread

in restaurants.

Of course I have.

An AI Whittaken routine.

But I think it fills you up too much.

Yeah.

I love it,

but it fills you up too much.

People say this about sparkling water, though, you know, as well.

What?

People say sparkling water fills you up too much.

Who says that?

We've had loads of people say that.

It's not air.

It's just extra air.

Believe me, we've heard heard every take on sparked water there is.

I bet you're right.

You haven't had beat the bubbles till today.

I'll be honest.

I've not said it till I was in this room.

We've never heard beat the bubbles before, but we've heard a lot of people say it fills them up.

Fills them up?

Yeah.

Bread, I understand more.

Of course that.

Of course.

Of course that fills you up.

But I, you know, personally, I just love bread, so I'm happy for it to fill me up.

I love bread.

But that's the problem.

I'll ask for more bread

because it's so good.

Yeah.

So it's, it's, I love it.

It's the best bit.

But you love it too much.

I love it too much.

Yeah.

So you're picking your second favorite out of poppadoms or bread.

No, I love poppadoms as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Poppadoms are incredible.

I like MS mini popadoms as well.

Yes.

Absolutely love them.

Yeah.

Do you like the sensations poppadoms, lime and coriander ones?

No.

I like a plain popadom.

So when I was more than Josh would have come I was expecting.

Here he is.

He's shown her

little boy who was in the water courses.

So when I was a kid,

my first, I didn't really realize that poppadoms were good for the first maybe 13 years of my life because we used to get poppadoms from the supermarket, which were spicy poppadoms that my dad would put under the, I think

they'd be like, you'd grill them.

Yeah.

And they were crap.

Yeah.

So that's what I thought poppadoms were for years.

I don't know.

Are they still available?

Are they like Shah Woods?

Yeah, I think so.

You can buy Shah Woods, things like that.

that yeah sure i'm familiar with the brand yeah yeah i don't know why i'm so insistent all the different brands but you would have mentioned your water carbonator brand but

oh sorry there you go

i was worried about the pronunciation yeah is it arca

so you had shar woods poppadoms didn't like them yeah but now i just love a poppadom from a restaurant i i adore it i think it's the best bit john robbins he won't have poppadoms with a curry because because he feels it fills him up.

Yeah.

Which I'm sure you know, but that does my head in.

Yeah.

We won't have rice either.

I don't have rice.

Yeah, I've kind of copied that from him.

And I hate it because the first time he brought that up, I really like made fun of him for it.

But he's such a waste of rice.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I completely agree with the, I don't, I don't go for rice, but poppadoms, they're not, who, who are they filling up?

Exactly.

Well, I said the same about sparkling water, but apparently, you know, Miriam Margolites and Steve Coogan have been filled up by it.

Is there a particular restaurant you've had the best pop-a-doms at that you've got one of those ones?

I don't like it when they go off off the normal.

So if you go to a

go on, you don't like it when you they go off the normal.

So if you go to a pretentious Indian restaurant that is good, like like I don't mean pretentious, that's the wrong way of saying it, because I go to these places because they're nice.

Yeah.

But you go to an Indian restaurant that thinks it's

more than your average Indian restaurant.

Like no high end, high-end.

Like your Deshooms or your crickets.

Yeah.

They don't do popadoms.

They'll do a different type of kind of similar thing.

And I just think that's a shame.

But you like the straight-up, plain sort of British Indian curry house.

Exactly.

Poppadoms, yeah.

The kinds.

90s poppadoms.

90s poppadoms.

I'm on Brick Lane.

I'm in Birmingham.

I'm in the Eastern Eye in Newton Abbott, maybe.

Yeah.

In Devon.

Not even going for the Curry Mile in Manchester.

No, the Curry Mile.

Mile, yeah.

The Curry Mile.

Surely you've had many there.

You went to uni there?

Uh, it was always a bit expensive for me.

Oh, yeah, you were too.

I knew you were permanently awake, though.

I was permanently

tired.

All the money I was pumping out on lattice was I'm I wasn't pumping out a tenner a day on lattice.

What's the point of having a nice dinner if you're just gonna throw it up the next morning?

Drink your body weight in milk, there's no way you're gonna

lay a curry on top.

I won't be having a lassie, I tell you that

lassie in a corner, please.

Luffy, yeah, lassie, sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

But yeah, I like a classic, you know, British Indian restaurant pop-a-dom in the classic manner.

Yeah.

With the dips.

Yoghurty one best.

I entertain the other two, but really I don't care.

So yogurty one's, yeah, that's your top.

The yogurty one's just the best one.

Why do you entertain the other two?

Is it so the yoghurt doesn't get ideas above its station?

Got to keep it on its toes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, because I like to to think that I'm not just eating yogurt every time.

So I'll go in the other two just to convince myself that I'm...

You're mixing it up.

I'm mixing it up.

And what are the other two?

Lime pickle and mango chutney.

Yeah.

And I'm not into the

raw onion.

I love the raw onion.

Do you?

Yeah, I love the raw onion.

It's our gas.

Why do you love the raw onion?

Well, so mango chutney, I feel, is too sweet.

So if I put,

if I put the onion on top, it cuts through the sweetness a bit.

Well, why don't you just not have it?

Well, because I quite like it it with with the onion with the onion I think it's perfect a bit of you know I'm putting all the different dips on trying you know mixing it up I'm like a DJ of dips you're DJ you are a DJ

and the Poppadom's my vinyl

let's not rule that out for your next door poster yeah

me mixing mixing a poppadom deck yeah I do but what it'll it'll be that but it'll look be photoed so well yeah like your posters are yeah the photograph will be done with such high standard and it'll actually you'll get away with it Yeah, then we put it on the tube have to replace the poppadom with a bit of lettuce.

Yeah, they'll have a debate if poppads are junk food or not.

Yeah

Do you want a pile of a pile of popadoms to arrive?

I've got an issue with a pile of popadoms.

Please

in your publicity photo where you're sat

with the popadoms.

Yeah, I think it's a shame that their shop bought poppadoms rather than from a takeaway.

Yeah, a real shame.

Yeah.

It just annoys me.

Yeah.

Because I don't think that's the question you're asking.

The breads are a lovely range, and then you've clearly just bought some shit popped ons from a supermarket.

Well, the bread probably came from the same shop, to be fair.

Yeah, yeah, they're probably

better at bread than poppin'.

Sorry.

So you would have rather it was like, we got it from a curry house.

Yeah.

And you can tell they're not uniform.

Yeah.

And we've got some proper, delicious looking poppadums.

So you look at those ones and think, I bet they don't taste nice.

Well, it's not a decision that I would go bread in that situation if that's the actual options.

But no, those are, it's not the options.

When we say to you poppadums or bread, it's not the specific ones from our publicity.

Yeah, just so you know.

Exactly.

When you saw that poster, did you go, well, I wouldn't go and see that show?

No way, I feel it.

And I went through with it.

Yeah, to be fair.

Stuck to his guns.

Stuck to our guns.

But when you do DJ Dips, 2028 tour,

make sure it's a good pop-adom.

I'll come watch it.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I'm going to make sure of it.

So you don't want the, you do want a pile of pop-adoms, but obviously from a curry house.

Yeah, yeah, full curry house.

With mainly yogurt dip.

Yeah.

And the other two just to

feel like I'm not boring.

Yeah, yeah.

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You're all set for a nail glow-up.

Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we?

Let's get into your dream starter.

Okay.

So, oh, don't need to be silent there.

No, no.

Are you being silent for the sound effect?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't play them in live.

No, no, no, no, no.

But I know that your producer makes you do that.

No, no, no.

I'm parenting in hell.

They're like, moment of silence, because I'm going to put the jingle there.

I thought I got told to be silent on the sparkling water.

No.

Did you?

Oh, you're sorry.

Sorry.

We were raging ahead.

The uncovered story.

Sorry.

Sorry.

But we're keeping all this in.

Yeah.

Because mainly what we want to do on this is make out that we're more professional than you so that we can, like, you will lose listeners.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm paving in hell.

Yeah.

Climb our way up the hill.

Because you have to pause the sound effects of like a nappy being changed and

a baby crying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And someone breastfeeding.

I've never listened to it, so I don't know.

You've never listened to this.

Not really.

I've listened to two or three episodes over the years where, well, did you listen to the Graham Coxon one?

I found it very disappointing.

I wish I would have asked some more pertinent questions actually.

I think of Graham Coxon every time I have Natty Goreng now.

Yeah.

Because he chose that.

And he spoke about it so nicely about his dad.

And every time I have it, I think about Graham Cox.

I think about him once every hour.

Whenever you're listening to Blur, basically.

We mentioned you to him.

I know, yeah.

You didn't say who?

Yeah.

No, no, no.

I've met him.

Yeah.

I've met him on a couple of occasions.

He described Keith Richards' fingers to me as looking like knickknacks.

Well, was that food check?

Fucking hell, Coxon.

That's absolute gold.

I'm having the wrong conversation with him.

So your dream starter, Josh.

I tell you what it is.

To use a football analogy, sorry, Ed.

Oh, wow.

Okay, I'm going to be on this.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a difficult situation.

England have got it occasionally where you've got to fit the players in, but there's people that overlap.

So you're playing something out of position.

Right.

You're playing someone out of position to get them in the team.

So I'm on tour with Chloe Pets.

I'm well aware that this is happening right now

with the Euro squad.

I thought you were making out you're playing Chloe out of position.

Yeah, she should be headlining.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That doesn't make any sense.

Some nights.

She's playing out of position.

So I wanted to fit this in, so I've had to put it here

as a starter.

And this does undermine not going for bread.

Okay.

I want toast.

It does undermine.

It does undermine it.

it.

It definitely undermines it.

But now I'm glad I haven't filled up on bread.

Because you've got bread to it.

Did you not think you could have had toasts as your pop-doms or bread course?

Well, it's pop-doms or bread.

If you go to a restaurant and they said do you want bread, you can't say can have toast.

I love it.

I love it.

Of all the guests, of course, Josh is the one who's absolutely the one who's going to refuse to engage with the dream element of the restaurant.

It's a dream restaurant.

I'm a genie.

You can do whatever you like as your dream meal.

You could have had...

Well, then,

could you say pop-doms of bread, I'll have a chili?

You can't say that.

well but that that doesn't really

but hang DTL toasters more like bread than chili is

but

yeah I see that argument but it's I still think they're both not bread but then in what real world are you going to a restaurant and they've got toast as a starter well it's dream restauranthood

yeah good point actually exactly this is hard work trying to doing a show called hypothetical winner

right i just i love toast yeah i adore it yeah it's just it's the best thing in the world.

So I did a

like a diet where you're like doing your macros.

Right.

And all day all I do, because you'd have to vlog your thing on your phone.

And all day, all I'd do was leave enough so that I could have a slice of toast as a treat at the end of the day.

That's all I thought about was my slice of toast.

Butter and marmite at the end of the day.

So that's, is that what you want in the dream race?

What I tend to have is toast.

And you might, I know you don't think I'm fun, but wait till you hear this.

Two slices, one with Marmite as my main and one with marmalade as my pudding.

I can't slag that off.

I think I've said something similar on the podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think you have.

Yeah,

I've done the triple of like butter, marmite, marmalade.

Oh,

these inject it into my veins.

If I don't, because I want to enjoy it through my mouth.

Yeah, and

I do get it.

It is nice.

It's so good.

Toast is, I think there's obviously, because I know you guys like the kind of, what does this mean to you?

Obviously, there's a nostalgic, there's a deeper...

I'll give you this because I know you guys like it.

Yeah, I know you like this kind of shit.

I heard you trying to get Coxon to talk about his tacos on my momentum.

What does toast mean to you?

Well, no, it's just, there's a homeliness to it, isn't there?

There's a feeling of safety.

There's a feeling of security of being at home.

I love it.

And routine as well, I think.

You grew up having toast before school or whatever.

Oh.

Whenever I have toast now, I just feel like and I don't have it for breakfast now because it's not a great start to the day energy wise so toast has now moved into my treat section of my life and the treat will be

in the evening

I know we've covered that the treat will be in the evening will it

and it will be toast it will be yeah yeah it won't be toast yeah it'll be like should I have a slice of toast at quarter past ten while I kids have gone to bed kids have gone to bed I might tidy up the kitchen listen to the news agents with emily maitless and have a slice of toast sticking your head around the door to your wife going should we have a slice of toast she doesn't even want a slice of toast she's having dark chocolate buttons wow you've married quite the renegade

toast there was a biopic of nigel slater yeah his book it's just called toast

there's a bit when he makes toast for the first time it's basically like you know his first bit of what he sees as cooking yeah and it's filmed really beautifully from like inside the grill and the toast going in and it shows the butter melting on the toast and that like I'd say renewed my love yeah

that's when I started doing the three courses

I was like that is delicious that is so good

I get through if I have toast I just can't I can't stop like yeah especially when I was like a when I was a big fat kid used to go over to friends houses and their mums were not in they were under no sort of

James is laughing imagine me being a big fat kid always always

because they they they don't have to restrict you when you're someone else's kid they just like keep making you toast.

I'm like, I could go through a life.

I had a situation at my friend.

His mum made us, I remember having eight slices of white toast on the agar.

Real clash of cultures there.

Yeah.

In a row.

And we were still going.

And she was like, you guys,

like a barman, you've had enough.

Yeah.

This toast in the dream restaurant.

White bread.

Granary, I think.

Yeah.

Granary.

I respect that.

And I want to cut it myself.

I've had enough of going to somewhere I'll name a shame Gails and them saying do you want it sliced because I just don't

it's too thin and if I'm gonna spend more than I should on bread yeah I at least want to slice it I don't want to get sliced bread so but you're annoyed at Gails for offering you the option yeah even th they're not doing it and then giving it to you and you're like I didn't want this

even be an option I always get my bread sliced what why

because it it means that I can have a couple of slices of it and I don't feel awful afterwards.

Whereas if I'm cutting it myself, I'm cutting doorstep thick slices.

Yeah, I'm not very good at doing them uniform.

Yeah.

You don't need to do them uniform.

Live a little.

Yeah, give a wedge shape.

Just enjoy the difference of life.

Look, you two are different.

We're still like you.

We're different slices.

Yeah, you're different slices.

There's a doorstep and there's a wedge.

I'll take that.

I was the doorstep and the doorstep.

The doorstep and the wedge.

Wedge gamble.

You want to slice it.

How thick are you slicing it then?

I thought we were about to move on from this, but actually, there's a lot more to take.

Yeah, we actually haven't got into the nitty-gritty of this.

Go thick, please.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How many centimetres are we talking?

Oh, well, what?

It's got to fit in the toaster.

It's got to fit in the toaster.

What?

You don't know what a centimetre is?

Right, sorry.

That buried the lead there.

Yeah, yeah.

George Winniker doesn't know what a centimetre is.

All right.

What's a sliced piece of toast?

One centimetre?

no uh it'd be less than a centimetre a slice of toast yeah maybe slightly less okay then probably 1.3 centimetres okay

so you're not going big like prop it's got to fit in the toast there but i do with sandwiches i have a big thing about ratios uh-huh i think the filling has come to dominate sandwiches in a way that i think is unhealthy so you're hanging you don't like the filling No, but I like

more like you'd imagine me, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely perfect.

Yeah.

in in my head i'm just seeing us climbing the chest

we got him we absolutely got him just let him talk

yeah you don't feel it in a sandwich i don't like the filling of a sandwich the bread's the best bit yeah so i i hate it when there's too much filling when they're the when there's a thick gelatinous cheese delicious it's awful like it just stick into your mouth and the bed the bread it's all about the bread for me yeah look but look bread is of course important in a sandwich but Yeah, I'm glad you, yeah.

Of course, I'm willing to admit that.

But I love just that's big of you.

So, would you so your dream sandwich is just like butter and marmite or whatever?

My dream sandwich would probably be that's that's a different podcast that's a different podcast

off sandwich, yeah.

That's off sandwich

part of our franchise.

Part of your franchise, I'd love you to start franchising it.

My dream sandwich is uh butter and tombing squares.

I'm glad I asked that question.

Had it to go, I didn't even have to think about it.

Knew what it was.

Sort of vinegar squares with a sandwich.

Are you doing it with sort of vinegar squares?

Because you can fit them perfectly into the sandwich.

No, I'm not sure.

But that is a bonus.

Yeah.

I imagine also they're not overlapping these sort of squares.

No, actually, I don't mind a little bit of overlap.

Like when I do my,

I take that over the fear that there'll be a bit where they're not overlapping.

Like when you do cheese on cheese on toast, yeah, you don't want to gap.

You don't want to gap.

I'd rather a bit of overlap than a gap.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd rather an overlap on cheese on toast where one bit hasn't necessarily melted as much as the others.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because there's an overlap.

Don't get me started on people who grate cheese on toast.

I think we're good.

If we get you started on every single issue,

we are going to be here for eight hours.

Well, let's go to your your dream main course because that's the very Josh Williams start and San Adolescent.

Franco Manca, pizza number five, no anchovy, but with chilies instead.

I think we both knew this was coming, didn't we?

Yeah, love it.

Yeah, you love it.

You introduced me to Franco Manca.

I did.

And look at it now.

Yeah, it was very, very

early days.

It was a very early adopter.

Yeah.

It was tucked away in the corner of Brixton.

It was in Brixton Market.

Yeah.

And it was just like a small pizza place where the waiters were overburdened and like there was only about 10 tables.

And then now it's everywhere.

Yeah.

Well, that's how that's capitalism.

That's capitalism for you.

And it was the same with Honestbergers as well.

It started in Brixton Village.

Oh, was it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now that's everywhere.

How do you feel about that when sort of little restaurants that you like then sort of end up going, you know, all over the place?

Initially, excited.

Yeah.

I mean, the way I suppose you compare it to a band, isn't it?

Yeah.

so initially when the band that you like that no one really knows about breaks through you're quite excited for them yeah and then by the time they're headlining in glastonbury you're livid yeah

because everyone's in everyone's in some of the changes their sound quality is more for them for the stage yeah yeah

commander though i'd say still the quality is the same still the quality is the same they still play all the hits they still play number five they still play manbo number five

a little bit of anchovies in your life yeah well no

yeah sorry yeah yeah so talk us talk us through the number five for those people who aren't across the full menu okay so the number five is anchovies which i forgo yeah olives capers and garlic right no cheese and tomato on there oh yeah sorry that's as as sorry well not on all of them and a base as a base as well some funkamung pizzas that don't have tomato ones i know and just

yeah you get a plate and you get knife and fork yeah

and a bill at the end.

I, yeah, I've got no time for the no cheese pizza or the no tomato pizza.

I think the no tomato pizza as well often isn't clear enough about that on a menu.

Yeah.

I do agree with that because you're

warned.

Which should be in a separate section on the menu.

Yeah.

It should be in the whatever, like pizza bianca, because sometimes it's like a white thing or just like a no tomato pizza.

It shouldn't be snuck in with all the other pizzas and then in the tiny

in the small print being like just missing tomato off the list you're like yeah yeah yeah come on tomato's default yeah exactly I presumed it was a typo yeah yeah

has it always been the number five for you yeah it has always been the number five what would be the that kind of olive caper and I presume the anchovy falls into the same thing that kind of salty

very salty in in pasta with that's like a putanesca right yeah i love putanesca i i imagine the answer to this is yes but would you like to hear about my first caper

You do not need to ask in the future, Josh.

You just go for it.

Also, I'd like to hear about your first caper and I'd like to hear about your first caper.

Both meanings of the word.

So my first caper, the meaning of the word food,

was when Plymouth Argyle played in the Division III playoff final in May 1996.

Pilgrim Pete going crazy?

Pilgrim Pete was there.

Week one.

One mill at Wembley.

you were singing with the football charts mouth but wide open

so i came to london for it yeah because it was at wembley i i think i'd been to london when i was like seven but i hadn't really been to london and we went to pizza express beforehand and i had a veneziana and i had capers on it and it blew my mind yeah and i just thought this city

this place is like one day something else isn't it one day i've got to live there The way these people are living their lives is like nothing I've ever experienced.

You know, you often see, if you go down to like houses of parliament around that area, you'll often see just like people who've just arrived in London gazing up at Big Ben eating a jar of capers.

I can't believe it.

Exactly.

Exactly, yeah.

So

that's what I'd say.

Get on the Millennium Eye and eat a Caper.

Yeah.

Matters of the London Eye.

You're not on the Millennium Eye anymore.

You've got to drop it at just the right time, though.

Yeah,

you got to.

Make sure.

Number four for me at Francomanca.

What's number four?

It's very nice mushrooms.

I think buffalo ricotta cheese or something.

Oh, yeah.

And ham.

Benito's literally looked it up.

I can see it's looked up.

He's nodding as I get them right.

Yeah.

I think there's little tomato on it.

It says little tomato, but then everyone always goes, can I have extra tomato on it?

So does that mean little tomatoes or not much tomatoes?

Not much tomatoes.

Yeah.

Right, right.

Because I would think that would mean little tomatoes.

Yeah.

I would have thought it meant like a cherry tomato.

Yeah, one little tomato.

It's three cherry tomatoes spaced very far apart from each other.

Just a fair warning.

I don't know.

I've barely been to Francomanco.

I don't know what my order would be.

I really like the salad, actually, as well.

Yeah.

You get with the pizza that's got parmesan, olives,

sun-dried tomato.

Would you want that?

Would you number five?

Yeah, as long as it doesn't count as most.

I was thinking this on the way.

Is that going to count as my salad?

No, you can put it all.

You can put it all in with the main and you can do that.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Yeah, it's nice.

Are you putting chili oil on it?

it i i like chili oil i love chili oil so this is something interesting about me yeah you'll be the judge of that it's all interesting josh this is all great you won't believe this

i love spice

which is so out of character yeah yeah

like i and i go at nando's i'll go extra hot and then i'll get the black bottle and have that as well no yes i love the black bottle i just i love spice you're just a guy who loves a rush right i just i live for the rush

what kind of a rush are we talking though because like there are certain things you're like that's too adrenaline fuel but like spice again it's like quite um spice yeah not the drug spice the um spice the spice but i don't like um sorry belito i don't like roller coasters i find them yeah yeah i find them too scary and i mean there's a load of things that you find i wouldn't do a skydive yeah no i remember you told me you don't like big headphones because it makes you feel sleepy

They make your ears too warm and then you feel sleepy.

Yeah, that is true.

I can't.

Oh, that took me by surprise.

I've never heard that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I think I know why that is.

It's because I sleep with the duvet over my head.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

What?

That is something.

that I think everyone tries when they're a kid.

So when you're a little kid,

at some point you try sleeping with the duvet over your head.

You try sleeping the other way around on your bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Putting your pillows where your feet are.

I used to do that the other night because my son came and slept on our bed.

So I had to go down the other end.

I was horizontal at the feet.

But still head under the duvet?

No, I couldn't at that point.

By that point, I was so tired it didn't matter.

Yeah.

So I go head under the duvet.

So I go, what the fuck is your wife thinking?

She's sleeping next to you.

But like you're next to you.

What's wrong with that?

Yeah, hey.

I have never met anyone who sleeps like that.

So it's snug.

A little doormouse.

Do you not want to be a little doormouse?

Yeah, I get that.

I get the attraction.

Wouldn't you asleep?

Would you not like to be a little doormouse?

Yeah, okay.

I've had good sleep.

So head over the duvet over the head.

Yeah.

Kind of hook it over.

So I've still got my mouth and nose out for breathing purposes.

And do you put fresh straw in every day?

So putting the big headphones on then makes you feel like you're under the DVA.

I've missed train stops because of that.

Because like chemical memory kicks in and you fall asleep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, woolly hats as well.

Huh?

Woolly hats.

Wooly hats, yeah.

I've never seen you in a woolly hat.

Exactly.

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Is there spice in your side dish, Josh?

What did you?

To an extent, I'd like a Sagpania, please.

Nice.

Always delighted when Sagpaneer gets a shout-out.

It's my go-to side, I guess, but quite often it comes in main portion size on an Indian takeaway.

But what a treat.

Yes, so I love Sagpanier.

I'd say Paneer is, along with halloumi, is an absolute, it's a relief to a vegetarian.

Yeah.

The existence of those two

does do a lot of the work for where meat disappears.

Yeah.

If that makes sense.

Texture-wise?

Texture-wise, it's just big, it's big, it dominates.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's a centerpiece.

It's a centerpiece.

I hate falafel.

Yeah.

I do know this about you.

Yeah, yeah.

And I find that annoying that you're offered it as an option so often as a vegetarian because it's crap and it's dry.

People, you haven't tried good falafel, but.

No, I haven't.

Yeah.

Point proven.

Point proven.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Even good stuff, though.

You can't have it too much.

Like, I've had merely good falafel, but I wouldn't want it twice in a month.

No, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

It's, you know, you can't eat older.

So I like paneer.

It's great.

I like tikka paneer

as a starter, but obviously I've got toast as my starter.

Yeah, yeah.

And I thought it'd be mad to have toast as a side with pizza.

Nowhere else in the

format where toast would fit.

So you had to love it.

Because I presumed rules were there for a reason, but it

turns out that poppadums or bread doesn't mean poppadums or bread.

It means poppadums or bread or toast.

Yeah, or prawn crackers.

Yeah, or poppy.

Let anybody pick those before.

I've never had a prawn cracker.

Could you have a quaver?

Well, not now.

You've picked.

Yeah, right, right.

But we would let someone, if someone said they wanted a packet of crisps or a quaver for that, probably hang off and we'd let them have that.

Okay, well, that seems the equivalent of poppadoms or bread.

Just change your crib sheet that you send out if you would, John.

What's your when you go to a curry house then?

What's your order?

Poppadoms.

Yeah.

Garlic naan.

Yeah.

No rice.

Vegetable danzak.

Some paneer of some sort.

Yeah.

Sagaloo tacadoll.

Job done.

Job done.

Job done.

That's a big order as well.

Well, I like that.

You're sharing.

I think it's insane when someone just has one curry.

Yeah.

Like,

isn't the point to have more?

Like, you're meant to mix and match, right?

You're meant to be able to dip into other people.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

I don't really, I'd prefer a curry in than a curry out because I'm so tired by the end of a curry, I just need to go to bed.

Of course.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, pop on the headphones.

Awful.

I don't like a light.

The idea idea of eating a curry and then getting under your own duvet is terrifying to me.

Yeah, you've got

jumping yourself.

What I don't understand, which blows my mind, is curry at the start of a night out.

Yeah, I don't know who's doing that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So full.

Absolutely, mate.

I just don't want to go out.

No.

It's the end of a night.

If you're out, it's the end of a night or you're eating it when you're in.

Otherwise, I'm just like, I feel like a balloon.

Yeah, I couldn't drink with a curry as well.

Like when I used to drink,

the pint, it's like those people who feel about sparkling water, I'd feel about like a pint.

I love it.

I love having a cobra with a curry.

I have a wine, I have a wine with a curry.

Do you?

Yeah,

it's too tiring.

How do you get through it?

Well, very happy, very happy boy.

Talking to your friends.

Yeah, talking to your friends.

It's the moment when you go, oh, for fuck's sake, I'm in a restaurant and I don't want to be now.

Under my duvet, like a little doormouse.

Well, this dream meal then, if you're eating Saupania, are you all right for it to be in a dream restaurant or do you want to be at home next to your bed?

Could I be eating all of this in bed?

Yeah.

Under the duvet?

Not under the duvet.

I'm not an animal.

Yeah.

Not you like anything.

Yeah, maybe downstairs.

Yeah.

I like eating in front of the TV.

I think eating at the dinner table is criminally overrated.

Yeah.

Well, you famously loved television.

Yeah.

Your first book was about it.

Yeah, And I hate eating at the dinner table.

The thing I hate the most, and this is a real problem in our relationship, is once you've finished still sitting at the table.

Right.

I just can't stand.

What I'm like talking and stuff.

Like in a restaurant, let's go.

We've eaten.

We've eaten.

Yeah.

And like Rose will be stringing out a tiny bit of wine.

You're like, come on.

I'm knackered.

It's half nine.

It's always knackered.

I'm so tired.

It's half nine.

I'm so tired.

I've eaten four bits of bread before this even started.

I think I'm quite liable to food energy reactions.

Yeah.

It definitely seems that way.

Yeah.

Do you think that's what's doing it?

Or do you think it's the fact you're one of the busiest comedians in the country?

Yeah.

No, I do think it, I do think it's, I have bad reactions.

I tried to eat a Mars bar the other day.

You tried?

Tried.

I had to give up because it was just too extreme.

How far down the Miles bar did you get?

I know know you're not very good with centimetres

halfway and then i put the other half in the fridge which is depressing isn't it they're too much well they're helping you work rest out and play is the thing

yeah yeah

i get that though a mars bar mate when was the last time you had a mars bar oh ages long time ago i don't believe there's still a product are you gonna have to go fun size from now on i think i am fun size

they go duo and then you that's already already in the half yeah i i disapprove of that i think you go fun size man fun size out the fridge at mars bar do they still do fun size or is it just a celebration straight up to the mars bar i'm oh that's a good point i don't think they're allowed to call them fun size anymore maybe probably knowing what because knowing this government the bods at health and safety yeah yeah yeah because they're not fun they're not government reductions destroying your health but yeah

Right your dream drink then we touched that you wouldn't have a drink with a curry but surely for your dream menu you've got well I've already got sparkling water.

Yeah, we know that you love tea no yeah so I'm gonna have tea yeah yeah

because I find it difficult to go a long period without tea yeah my I I've genuinely quite I've got quite a worrying relation not worrying because it's tea yeah so I'm like fight your battles yeah but I can get antsy if I know I haven't got access to tea yes now you don't drink alcohol anymore no but i didn't have that relationship with alcohol i binged on alcohol yes so i'm saying did you has the tea tea thing really kicked in since you stopped drinking alcohol?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember you being a bitch.

I was a big tea drinker, but now it's like

a relationship someone has with smoking, I suppose.

I like the feeling of it, like the

ritual of it.

Yeah,

I think it's something for my hands to do.

Yeah, because when you used to drink beer, of course, you had it warm with milk and so it's just the perfect I know, it reminded me of the lattice.

What brand tea bag are you going for?

Yorkshire PG tips or twinings, just something that just an what you're what you got in the cupboard now.

We have got uh well, we haven't got it in the cupboard, we've got a lovely glass jar.

Yeah, so we've got, I don't know why that feels like a bit I'm doing, but I'm not.

But we have a bag of teabooks.

Yeah, it's not bad, is it?

Yeah, you suddenly might have a tea, but yeah, decant your tea bags into a glass jar.

Yeah, we do decant them into the glass jar so that no one knows that we've got a box in the cupboard our dirty little seat

might try that yeah

it's pretty good it is good

i used to have a bit didn't i about the tea bag saucer yes yeah you did yeah anyway sorry bring it back yeah the distance

yeah halfway between halfway halfway to your bin from the sink yeah bit of fun wasn't it yeah um but uh

so we have a glass jar so it's pg tips or yorkshire or whatever We're not wedded to a brand, but what I am wedded to is

I don't like it.

I hate Starbucks tea.

Okay.

I think it's awful because they've tried to do something with it.

And I don't want anyone to try and do something with it.

You just want normal tea.

I just want normal tea.

Yeah.

Because also, I think that makes perfect sense because if you're drinking like eight cups a day or whatever, you just want it to be the same thing, very drinkable.

You can just knock it back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do alternate on one thing.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I swing between milk and oat milk.

Okay.

Okay.

Depending on mood.

Hang on.

What's milky mood and what's oat milk mood?

Well,

there's various variables.

Yeah.

So here you've got minor figures.

Minor figures makes me feel nauseous for some reason.

I don't know what it is, but I can handle the silver oatly.

I love a silver oatly.

I got so into that that I started taking oatly to my friend's house because they had normal milk.

I'm so glad you've got drinking, man.

But then someone got in my head about ultra-processed foods

and that oat milk is a processed food.

So then I tried to wean myself back onto milk.

And now I swing between the two, depending on what I'm feeling more guilty about.

Yeah.

The plight of the cow or ultra-processed foods.

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't, basically.

Yeah, if your kids are annoying you, you break up the dairy.

That's your future.

Then you throw it in the normal beer.

Yeah.

It is weird with tea that everyone has a set way of doing it, but with other things, you're allowed to vary it.

But it's the one thing where it's like, everyone has to do it in one, this is how I have my tea.

Whereas if you said, I have the same dinner every day, that'd be weird.

Yeah, that's true.

And

I really respect that everyone has a way they have their tea.

That's the way they do it every single time.

One of the things that really annoys me, though,

is when people pretend to be really up in arms and passionate about stuff that really no one gives a fuck about or should give a fuck about and the same basic arguments that get circulated around society yeah that we're all meant to like care if there's pineapple on a pizza where no one gives milking first milking first yeah don't care i am absolutely sick and tired totally people pretending that they are passionate about yeah and having it and fucking going on a panel show or something then going we're going to do this round where we bring up if you should have milking first go you should be fired from your job you should not be

you shouldn't be allowed to format panel shows get out i lost a point on taskmaster it was throw a tea bag and a cup yeah and i made a large cup out of a wheelbarrow yeah and a hand

yeah threw it in and then greg cost me the point he said i'm not doing it for the cup i'm doing just put the milk in first yeah and then i heard james think this panel show's not going to work yeah i was like

well luckily one series luckily you still won.

Yeah, you still won.

I still beat Frank's going to buy a point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The bean point.

The bean point.

The bean point.

You counted your beans.

Counting my beans.

But yeah, I don't care about milking first.

I'm constantly dragged into the cream or jam debate.

And I just do.

Yeah.

They've got to get over that.

I mean, I just did a string of gigs in Truro, which I absolutely loved.

I won't stop talking about it.

However, the one thing that...

Is it it nice that yeah absolutely loved it but they would heckle every night about the jam or cream thing and it was the one time I'd say to them guys you've you have really got to move on with your life

this this can't still matter to you yeah I'm from Devon and I prefer cream above which is the Cornish way and that's fine yeah also it makes no difference makes no difference who cares like the fact that they are still arguing about it we're never going to progress as a country if we if we're still stuck on that shit do you know what that's how i felt when you were talking to Graeme Cox about his taco.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

Yes.

Again, known you for a long time, not known you to be a massive pudding fan or

a sweet tooth, really.

So I'm a bit concerned going into this that you're going to

go with cheese and biscuits.

Okay, fair enough.

I'm going to go with lint balls.

Yeah, that's absolute respect.

So on grand.

Huge respect.

Yeah.

And you know what?

I know why you're going with limb balls.

You're popping one in your mouth.

You're having a sip of your tea and you're melting it in your mouth.

No, I wasn't even doing that, but I would.

Come on, cup of tea and a limbo.

I love a limbo.

Limbles are amazing.

They're so good.

Yeah.

We only really get them at Christmas and it's the best bit of Christmas.

If I'm allowed to broaden it slightly,

I'd broaden it to Christmas chocolates.

So that's your limbals.

Yeah.

And I'd like some after eights in there as well.

You can have that.

And I'd like some matchmakers as well.

Yeah.

Any celebrations or heroes?

Yeah, i'll have some celebrations as well and maybe a tobacco yeah right let's get into this this is one of my favorite dessert courses we've ever had yeah this is this is really chocolate is absolutely going to be what it is i want to quickly stick on limp balls yes yes

original or are you branching out into the other colours i my favorite is the mix but i don't like the dark ones right okay i love the dark ones well come around surely uh your your better half yeah she does so she loves the dark chocolate buns i love the the the white one's my favourite so sweet i have seen but i haven't haven't tried that they've broadened it salted caramel caramel yeah there's a mint one isn't there and there's a strawberry one as well

maybe as well wow I didn't know about that yeah they've there's all kinds of limbs I'm not interested in the coconut or strawberry but the salted caramel one is good it's good yeah the only person I know who regularly went for a phase of having lint balls when it wasn't Christmas was Nish

buy box every week I'd enjoy

I would enjoy seeing a graph of the lint ball sales throughout the year.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That'd be nice.

Just to confirm how badly it's going for them 11 months of the year.

Easter, they're selling more.

Gotta be.

Because lint is bigger in Easter, right?

Because of the bunny.

Because lent.

Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, lent.

That's what I mean.

Lent balls.

Lent ball.

Speaking of lent balls.

It's just the wrapper.

Because the bunny's big in Easter, right?

Oh, yeah.

The lint chocolate bunny.

Yeah, so I think the whole brand probably gets a bit of a spike.

Easter is the Christmas of chocolate.

Yeah.

Easter's crap.

Easter's crap.

But Easter's the Christmas of chocolate, Josh.

Easter's total crap.

Hate it.

You heard it here first.

Why?

Why do you hate it?

Because there's too much chocolate.

Well, you decide that.

Yeah, but if you're doing an Easter egg hunt, which you've got to with a child, they've basically got chocolate for the next four weeks.

Right.

Okay.

So your house is full of chocolate, which isn't ideal.

Yeah, that's nice for them, which isn't ideal.

And then it moves around.

You never know what days it's on.

It's not fixed.

I think if anything, it's a more important festival.

I'd say dying and coming back to life is more important than being born.

It's more impressive, isn't it?

It's more impressive.

So I'd say Easter should be the better one.

So it's disappointing for that reason.

But they kind of know that if they make too big a deal of it, people are going to start asking questions.

You've got a bury.

You've got to bury that dude.

And also, he came back to life, but let's focus on the fact he was born.

We can all agree on that.

We can all agree on that one.

Definitely born.

I just think it's a bit nothing-y.

I think the four-day bank holidays are a bit annoying.

I hate bank holidays.

You hate bank holidays?

That's off-brand.

Yeah.

Don't you hate bank holidays?

Because in our job,

I never realise it's going to be a bank holiday.

I don't get time off for it being a bank holiday.

So all that happens is I realise two weeks before that I'm working on a bank holiday.

Yeah, good point.

That's a shame.

The matchmakers i'm assuming they're going to be mint yeah

but i don't mind the orange you don't mind the orange uh they're they're definitely not the best bit but if we're having all the christmas chocolates yeah they've got to be in there they've got to be there i like them with their little um

kind of crunchy thing that goes on top of them little oh the little yeah packaging thing yeah so you open the lid and then there's like a kind of crunchy it feels like you're opening a box of cigars or something yeah i like that yeah that's like the good version of the um you know the piece of paper you get on the top of the marge, yes.

I hate that, yeah.

That's that's close.

Oh, I hate the questage paper, throw away, yeah, me too.

Who's keeping that?

Yeah, I mean, this might be the new uh cream and jams, but yeah, yeah.

No, I've been to people's houses before, and oh, yeah, and they've got it.

My wife, my wife keeps that on the Lurpak, she'll open it and keep the foil thing on it.

It's like, get rid of it.

That's the reason the lid's work.

There's you get it on Greek yoghurt as well now, yeah, you just get a piece of paper,

not even attached to anything, just a floating piece of paper.

Yeah, disgusting

it's so hard to put in the bin.

If you're not opening it over the bin, you've then got to take a sopping wet piece of yogurt paper to the bin without the dripping.

I totally agree.

You're always dripping yogurt everywhere.

If you're enjoying this kind of chat, my tour is about 80 minutes of this.

It's all this shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you've got the after eights.

I love an after eight.

Toblerone.

Toblerone.

How big's the Toblerone?

It's

centimetres, because they're going to struggle with that.

That That looked to be about a foot.

That's about a foot, yeah.

I'd say traditional foot Tobla, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like slightly novelty-sized, but not one of the stupid ones.

Yeah, exactly.

I wouldn't go stupid.

Original flavour tobacco.

Original flavour tobacco.

Yeah, so I loved it.

And there was a brief period where like fruit and nut tobaums, I really love them.

I think fruit and nut chocolate's crap.

Oh, man.

This guy's...

How many hot takes have we had?

Yeah.

This is crazy.

He's not.

I've been waiting six years for this.

Yeah.

He's not taking any prisoners today.

Yeah.

I don't like fruit and nut chocolate because I think my dad had it when I was a kid and he felt, I think, in a feel that it was a healthy option.

Yeah.

It's such a thing a dad would have.

Yeah.

You're like, don't touch my fruit and nut.

Yeah, I won't.

That's my special chocolate.

Do you,

this feels like another cream or jam, but do you leave the after eight envelopes in the box?

Yeah, I don't.

I get furious from people.

Yeah, do I.

Yeah, they're out.

I'll pile them up and throw them away.

You're like, oh, great.

Go for it.

Sometimes, especially when it gets towards the end, or the end, there's none in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I've got some after eights.

No, it's all rubbish.

It's all stuff that should be in the beat.

What kind of psycho is doing that?

Totally agree.

But see, I care about that because it has real-world implications.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Yeah.

You would like sparkling water.

Yeah.

Big shot.

You would just twist of the pod pile of 90s popadoms with mainly the yogurt dip the other two there to entertain them yeah start at two slices of toast sliced by your own hand butter and marmite on one marmalade on the other butter and marmalade

butter and marmalade yeah main course franca manka pizza number five no anchovies added chili and uh a side salad side dish of sag paneer drink tea dessert christmas chocolates I mean, I love that dessert so much, Josh.

And

no, I'll eat the rest of it.

But I have two teas

at specific moments, actually.

So one where I sit down to get me through.

Yeah.

And then another one with pudding.

I think that's when I want my teas.

Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

And, you know, whenever you want.

If you feel like more.

Yeah, yeah.

We could put a tea tap.

Just ask us.

A tea tap on the table.

A tea tap.

Tea tap.

Oh, my God.

Although that gets rid of the ritual for you.

And I imagine you're...

No, I've spent...

genuinely the last six years thinking about getting a hot water tap.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's a guy that installs hot water taps that lives across the road that parks his hot water tap van outside my window.

And I see it when I close the curtains every night.

Everything.

I really should get one.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Josh.

Oh, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Finally, Josh.

Finally, we did it.

Finally.

I'll give you Rob Beckett's number.

There we are.

That was everything I'd hoped for, James.

Really delivered.

Didn't even get get to talk to him about the goats, cheese, and caramelized onion tartlet, which he didn't pick.

Yes, he didn't pick it.

But I mean,

not being able to wear big headphones because it makes him sleepy because he sleeps under his duvet is probably that's surely that's going to make the tabloids.

Yeah, Josh Whittakham sleeps under his duvet.

Yeah, it's going to be they don't even have to mess with that headline.

Yeah,

just state what he does.

Yeah.

Everyone will read that article.

No one will be surprised by it, but it'll be very funny to learn.

I mean, he said at one point near the end there, I think he draws the curtains before going to sleep.

And I was like, what's the point?

Yeah, what's the point?

You're on the duvet, mate.

Just sticking your nose and mouth out so you can breathe.

Of course, Josh is on tour from September 2025.

The show is called Not My Cup of Tea.

He claims to not have any tea material, but I think there may be

the genesis of some tea material from our chat there.

Yeah, he's underestimating his own talents.

Yeah, do keep an eye out for some tea material.

And of course, Josh does the hugely popular and successful podcast, Parenting Hell with Rob Beckett, another person that we've taken for granted.

Yeah, we have.

Sorry, Rob.

Yeah, sorry, Rob.

No, he'll be on soon because he's on tour as well.

So I'd imagine he'll come and flog some tickets.

Josh's got a whole empire of podcasts.

Yes, he does.

So you can listen to all the things that Josh puts out.

And go back and listen to all his Quickly Kevin episodes if you've not done that about 90s football.

And watch The Last Leg.

Watch The Last Leg, of course.

Yeah.

Get yourself onto UK TV website and watch old episodes of Hypothetical.

Watch all the old episodes of Hypothetical, me and Josh having a laugh.

Yeah, and me on most of them.

Yeah, yeah.

you're you're you're on quite a few episodes

we make you do some awful things yes i made you do some awful things yeah well yeah that would be very much your tactic yeah was we'd be thinking we'd stitched you up yeah and then you'd go okay yep i need james to do this with me and i was like oh fuck i've got a yes hand to this because it's improv over i go to touch ed's bum hole

That's the first time I did it.

Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu.

We will see you again next time.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Hey, I'm Paige DeSorbo, and I'm always thinking about underwear.

I'm Hannah Bruner and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage.

I like to call them my granny panties.

Actually, I never think about underwear.

That's the magic of Tommy John.

Same, they're so light and so comfy, and if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

And the bras, soft, supportive, and actually breathable.

Yes, Lord knows the girls need to breathe.

Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery, soft, and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night.

That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

Plus, they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

Put yourself on to Tommy John.

Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John.

Save 25% for a limited time at tommyjohn.com/slash comfort.

See site for details.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity-click-click.

London, we're coming.