Ep 261: Natalie Cassidy

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the calves liver of conversation, the bacon of friendship, the mashed potato of chat, and pouring over the onion gravy of the internet, James.

I think I'm just thinking about things I'd like to eat.

That's not a particular dish.

As you were saying that, I was like, is this a dish I don't know?

Yeah, carves, liver, and bacon with onion gravy and mashed potato.

Lovely.

It does sound lovely.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James Acaster.

We own a Dream Restaurant together.

Every single week, we're inviting a guest.

So we're asking their favourite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Natalie Cassidy.

Natalie Cassidy, of course, James, a wonderful actor.

She's been in EastEnders for many years.

Yes, She she was in my Springleaf audio sitcom.

Playing the iconic Sonia Fowler.

And also, she was in Springleaf, your audio sitcom.

Yes, she played an excellent gangster.

Yes, she did.

Beyond honoured to have Natalie on that podcast.

And we can't wait to chat to Natalie about her dream meal, James.

Yes, very exciting.

I have no idea what Natalie's going to pick.

We didn't really talk about food.

We're doing Springleaf, the audio sitcom.

Yes, Springleaf, the Audio Sitcom, which is available as a podcast, of course.

And Natalie has her own podcast, Life with with Nat.

Yes.

Which she records.

She's, I mean, she's going to tell us all about it.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of familiar faces from her life.

Yes, I think so.

She records it at home.

Very exciting.

To chat to her about that and her dream meal.

But if she picks a secret ingredient, which we have pre-agreed upon.

Yes.

And that Benito suggested this week, then she will be removed from the drink.

Benito's dream recess.

Benito suggested this.

So don't come at us.

Come at Benito, and he will send you a signed chopping board.

Saying sorry.

Saying sorry.

I'm Benito and the secret ingredient this week is guinea fowl

guinea fowl guinea fowl uh fowler sonia fowler yes yeah benito suggests Natalie's character is called sonia fowler yes so Benito said we should do guinea fowl because like guinea fowler yeah um and Ed was like we're not doing that and Benito went are you serious

that was his response so to make a point we we are doing that and also we couldn't think of anything else else.

We couldn't think of anything else.

So we're doing Guinea Fowler.

I like the Guinea Fowl that I've had.

I think I've had it a couple of times.

Yeah, I think I must have had it a couple of times.

So we're not choosing it because we don't like it.

No.

It's because it's got such a strong link to Natalie, because

Sonia Fowler.

Guinea fowl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very, I mean, you know, you can't think of Sonia Fowler without thinking of guinea fowl.

So that's why we've gone for it.

And it's also, it's a proper slap-up East End dish.

Yeah, yeah.

So hopefully she doesn't say guinea fowler.

Hopefully, yeah.

Are we going to hold her to if she says guinea fowl?

Are we going to let her get away with it?

No, I'm still going to kick her out.

You're going to kick her out for guinea fowl.

Yeah.

Even though she's not saying she's not if she says guinea foul, I'm going to shout uh

really loud.

Yeah, and then go get out.

Yeah, well, I'm looking forward to meeting her.

I've never met her before, James.

I have when we were recording Springleaf, the audio sip.

Oh, dear.

Available wherever you get your podcast.

Is the off-menu menu of Natalie Cassidy?

Natalie Cassidy.

Welcome, Natalie, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

Kaboom!

Welcome, Natalie Cassidy, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting you for some time.

Kaboom.

I've just eaten a salad that had more garlic mayo on it than I was anticipating.

So I didn't want to do my normal noise, which would be to make an explosion noise that kind of could just like end up spraying you with...

Caroli, caglioli.

Yeah.

Yeah, you've got to avoid that.

But that's the first time you've not done the noise.

Yeah, I was just very self-conscious about all the garlic.

The first time ever he's not done the noise.

This is a huge moment in off-menu history.

You're the first kaboom.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

People are going to hate me, aren't they?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

They'll know it's a special episode.

They're creatures of habit.

Yeah, but

I think kaboom feels like a good, fresh new format point.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They'll like kaboom.

They'll like kababoom.

They'll like kaboom, definitely.

And also I wanted to point out, it was, you know, it was advertised as a chili chicken salad.

I was suspecting a chili sauce.

So I didn't deliberately have the garlic.

I didn't do that deliberately.

What was that?

Sorry.

Don't deliberately have the garlic.

Yeah, yeah, there you go.

Second time you absolutely nailed it.

Thank you.

Where would you put garlic in your worst smells for other people to have?

I think it's a hard one garlic because I love garlic, but garlic doesn't love me.

Right.

I am someone I wake up and I stink of it.

Yeah.

Can't get it off.

Brush teeth a few times even the evening before.

Yeah.

Very aware of how it's going to be in the morning.

Yeah.

It's not just out the mouth though, is it garlic when you wake up?

It's out the skin.

It's out the whole body.

Yeah.

It's out the pause.

It's out the pause.

Red onion's not good either, is it?

I'm all right with red.

I mean, to be honest, I just eat raw red onion quite a lot.

Wow.

Wow.

I just don't think I care about.

What, like an apple, like the Grinch?

Yeah, like the Grinch.

Exactly.

I live like the Grinch at home.

Right.

Yeah.

Terrible Christmases at my house.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you've instantly done something that Ed loves, which is say that you stink.

He loves it when everyone says

that they stink or something stank.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

I love the word stink.

Yeah.

He loves it when people say that they stink.

I don't stink all the time.

For instance, today I smell quite nice.

Yeah, you smell nice today.

But if I'd had a huge pot of alleoli.

Yeah.

Alleoli.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know what that is.

You didn't trail off towards the end of the word, so James doesn't understand it.

No, no, it's an infinite word.

People don't know that.

You decide when to stop, but that was a bit short.

Yeah, that was a bit too short.

Well, we've got stuff to talk about.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you a foodie?

Yes, very much so.

I love my food.

Look, obviously people expect us to ask you

what you eat on the square.

Oh, yeah.

Not much, really.

We find it quite difficult because when you're doing lots of scenes and you've got a lot of food involved,

if things can, you know, if you forget a line or whatever, you have to go back to the top.

So you don't want to eat a lot.

then you're setting yourself up for eight times that.

You know what I mean?

So you'll see a lot of sipping, a lot of thought-holding,

not loads of eating.

Is that why everyone's so angry?

Because they're not eating properly.

Oh, you eat offset, okay, you know.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah.

Some of those people seem very angry.

They're very depressed and very angry.

That's about other issues, though, I think.

I don't think it's hanger a lot of the time.

No, it's usually affairs, murders, that sort of thing.

They should do a hangry storyline.

Hangry.

Yeah, if they haven't done a hangry storyline yet, if it's always affairs and murders, but like they could do a hangry one where that's the reason the person's angry.

Is that another story?

I have to say a few years ago, Denise Fox

was quite poor and she was found eating, you know, picking stuff out of a bin food-wise.

So it's not really hanger, but

it was kind of a food-led story.

Was her character angry as well?

I think she was quite angry that she was so poor.

So

yeah, I'm afraid they've already done it.

They've already done it.

I think they've done it in a long time.

I'd love that if that was a duff-doof at the end of an episode, if someone was really hungry and then their deliveroo arrived and they brought the wrong one.

You know what I mean?

Oh, like Phil Mitchell

deliveroo turns up and he smashes the guy's face in.

This is the one burger.

And that's his cube off his back, throws it across the square.

But the guy's got his helmet on still.

Yeah.

And then takes his helmet off.

Grant Mitchell.

Yeah.

That would be a great return for Ross Kemp.

Yeah.

What a return.

He's the deliveroo man.

You're no stranger to podcasts.

You have your own podcast.

I do.

And you say you've got a studio at home.

Yeah, yeah, I've done that.

That's exciting.

Little table and little setup and one of those little roadcasters.

It's all very posh.

A caster.

No, the

huge

roadcaster.

It's A Caster.

A caster.

People pronounce it wrong.

I'd love to have you in a little cupboard at home to get you out and be on it all the time.

That'd be brilliant if you want to come over.

I think you'd be really good to have in a little cupboard, genuinely.

You're supposed to be able to.

Get James out and make you laugh.

I'd love that.

Yeah.

It's so good, or just make you feel better because he's sad a lot of the time.

Ed knows me better.

Nat and I have worked together a few times, but like, you know, maybe not to the extent where I've shown her how sad I am.

Yeah, no, I've not really seen you sad.

I'm pleased about that.

Maybe I'll keep this distance and just see you once every six months.

Yeah,

you'd have to knock on the cupboard, and if it's one knock, he's happy, you can get him out.

And if it's two knocks, you leave him in the cupboard.

Yeah, it's a good game.

I could be sad sometimes.

But you know, He'd hear me rustling around or hear a conversation where I've been out for garlic and he'd always do two knocks.

So he'd come out of the cupboard.

Yeah.

Stinking.

Yeah, I was like, she's going to stink.

I'm staying in.

I'm keeping the door shut.

She's going to stink.

Tell us a bit about your podcast.

Life of Nat, right?

Yeah, Life with Nat.

So it's just me talking to my family.

I talk to my other half.

I talk to my kids.

I talk to nieces,

sister-in-law, and we just chat about life in general, things that aggravate people, queuing, for you know, traffic, socks that get lost in the washing machine and stuff, you know, mum guilt.

And I have people on.

I've only been doing it now for about nearly three months, so it's really, really early days.

But I've got a lovely little community already and people really like it.

I've got a WhatsApp number, so people message me, but she's getting quite a lot now.

I'm doing it all myself.

What?

So yeah, I'm responsible.

Listeners can WhatsApp you and you respond to them.

Yeah.

What?

What?

Yeah.

I don't do it.

you know obviously i look i go through it's a bit like pinball because you can't yeah

you're not you're not looking at all of them what am i thinking of roulette sorry not pinball yeah um can't look at all of them all the time because that's all i'd be doing but i'll find some really good people and then i'll get them on the show for zoom i have them on to talk about stuff if they've got a good story what's mum guilt mum guilt is where you

have children and no matter where you are you feel like you're doing the wrong thing Do you feel like you're doing the wrong thing right now?

No, not really, because I'm quite excited about this.

But But, you know, just in general, they're at school.

Just fitting everything in.

The time it takes to fit everything in.

Have you got kids?

No, never,

never going to happen.

No.

No, no kids for either of you.

No, it's good.

Well done.

It's a really good choice.

I love my kids, but it's fucking hard work.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't doubt it for a second.

Yeah, it's the right choice.

Maybe we will need guests on our podcast at one point.

And if we run out of guests,

we'll have kids so that we can get them on like you've done.

That's a smart move.

Well, it is, but I think to actually ruin your life and have kids for the rest of your life and that responsibility, which obviously I don't think either of you are capable of, it's probably best to just get other people's kids on.

Oh, yeah.

Your kids could come on this podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

A friend of mine, well, a friend of the podcast, John Kearns,

suggested to us this week that we do kids' episodes.

I think it would be really good.

And I think if you did, you'd have to have my Joni on.

She's seven and she's actually hilarious.

Is Joni a foodie?

Does she know her stuff?

Joni likes food.

She's got quite fussy of late, which is really annoying.

They kind of just change their minds.

Yeah.

You know, you can make a really nice lasagna and she'll just go, don't like that now.

You go, what are you talking about?

I've spent four hours making it and you're going to eat it.

Otherwise, I'm going to kill you.

We'll start with still a sparkling water.

I'm going to go sparkling, please.

Can I have a slice of lime in it, please?

Yeah, yeah.

A slice or a wedge?

Oh, no, wedge.

Wedge.

Yeah.

Are you picking the wedge out?

and squeezing the lime into the water or are you just leaving it bobbing around?

No, I'm leaving it bobbing around.

Yeah.

It's depending on what I'm eating next you know what i mean i don't want too much lime in there but i do love a fizzy it's got to be a very very fizzy water you know some are awful so you need a sampelli sampelli all the way yeah although the lid when you've got that at home is really annoying because it doesn't screw on does it anymore when you put it open

yes it's finito so you don't need to do the 1.5 does it i don't know about this lid this lid

it's not the strongest of lids it's not the strongest of lids once it's open it's open oh well that's no good well it is it is if you're really thirsty you're going to use it all but it is quite annoying if you're going going to waste it because obviously the next day you can't, that's it, it's over, isn't it?

Yeah, it's over and done with.

It's flat.

Yeah.

I quite like flat sparkling water though.

What, like a soda water?

Like a soda water, but leaving it leaving it to go flat.

Because it tastes different.

I don't, we've mentioned it on the podcast before.

I don't know why that when you leave sparkling water to go flat, it should just taste like still water, shouldn't it?

But it doesn't.

It's got its own flavour.

Yeah, I don't like that.

What do you think of Ed that he likes it?

What do you think of Ed?

Now?

I'm wondering how you got there.

And I'm wondering if you had sparkling pint of sparkling water next to your bed that went flat and then had it and liked it.

Do you remember how that happened?

You know what?

It might have been maybe in a hotel or something on tour where, you know, you go into a hotel and there might be a bottle of still and a bottle of sparkling.

I'm drinking the still first of all.

And then I might get back later and be like, I'm going to have some water.

And it's sparkling.

Couple of sips.

Oh, I can't have sparkling before bed.

Pop it on the bedside table.

Wake up in the morning.

Oh, I need some water.

Hello.

So, yeah.

That's him saying hello to the water.

Not to like the cleaner or someone who's coming.

The hotel manager.

And I would, knowing me, I would say hello to the water out loud if I was by myself.

Yeah, I say hello to inanimate objects quite a lot of the time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you remember some inanimate objects you said hello to?

I like to do it.

If I've got coats on the banister,

I'll talk to them.

I'll go, right, come on, time to get you away.

Time to get you away.

Because I'm on the banister.

So let's get them in the cupboard.

I go, come on now.

Let's get you away.

Stop hanging out on the banister.

You've had your fun.

Yep, you've been out for long enough.

You've had your airing.

Get back in the cupboard.

That's good.

I'm trying to think if I speak to anyone else.

Yeah, we do need to hear that.

I mean, I just...

You've got four cats, though, so I think you get a lot of your talking out.

You've got four cats.

And

I had a friend's day for five days recently, and that made me realise how often I say hello to the cats.

It's every time I see them.

I say hello to them individually by name, and I realise how much it was not annoying my friend, but like how he must think I'm just bonkers.

Yeah.

So I'm just constantly saying hello to them.

That's what children do to parents,

yeah.

So I won't really say hello, Eliza, every time I see her or hello, Joni.

I don't do that, but they go, Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mummy, mummy, mummy, and that's what you're doing to your cats, yeah, sort of even in the course of one conversation.

So they'll get your attention with mum, you'll say something back, and then they'll say mum again and say something,

pop-ups or bed, Nathan Cassidy, Pop ups or bed.

Sorry, I'd have cut you off there.

I didn't expect to.

No, it's all right.

Well, that's the, that's the pop-doms or bread bit, isn't it?

You got it, you've got to cut people off.

I was trying to make Natalie jump, it didn't work.

Yeah.

I did have a slight jump.

Did you?

Yeah.

From where I was sitting, you were absolutely stone cold.

Okay.

Just like

not letting that phase you at all.

The jumping must have happened maybe in your feet or something that we can't see.

Yeah.

Inside.

Internal jump.

Internal jump.

Yeah.

What were you going to say?

I was going to say that I used to really annoy my mum by saying, mum, loads and and loads until she said yes.

And then I'd say nothing.

It's just a story about a mum.

Oh.

It's just a story about it.

Yeah.

You're a poor mum.

Does it make sense?

No.

Just saying nothing would be funnier.

Yeah.

To go, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.

Nothing.

I used to do that one as well, but you know, you've got to graduate onto something else, haven't you?

And it's just a story about a mum still makes me laugh.

If you ever go and see Ed Live, his stories are very annoying.

They just didn't stand up.

Some word over and over again.

I look forward to it.

Yeah.

Problems of bread.

What bread are we talking about?

Can I have any bread I want?

Any bread you want in the whole world.

I never ever understand this from you two.

Just say, I don't get popped dumbs or bread.

I never have.

Well, me neither.

I don't understand it.

I don't know why you ever went with a pop-a-dum or bread.

They're so different.

James did it in the first episode and then we couldn't stop doing it.

You get them at that point in the meal.

I know, but

it so depends on what you're having.

Yeah, well, so you just go for whatever.

But this is what you're having.

This is also the dream restaurant, so that we're not being held by any rules you know we're not being held by any conventions so you know some people a lot of guests actually have had popadoms and then gone on to have you know a non a non-Indian meal oh yeah I know that absolutely so you know this is the joy of the dream restaurant you know what you want when you don't you know we don't crack

your shoes off yeah

you don't didn't

yeah yeah okay people have chosen different things olives you know those kind of pre-meal pre-meal things that they bring out you know yeah of course but i thought i had to go for bread but all right do you know what i'll do then if you don't mind, could I have, I'd like some Arangini balls.

Some deep-fried Arangini balls that sit in kind of a truffle-y, buttery sauce.

Here's what I like about this.

Because we're talking about my pronunciation earlier.

Yeah.

I would say Arangini, but it is Arangini.

But I'm a genie, so I like Arang.

I like that they're called Arangini.

I like your calling them Arangini.

They've got to be Arangini balls.

A genie called Aaron.

You know, I like that.

My sister-in-law's from Italy as well.

And I know they're

Arangini balls.

Yeah.

But yeah, I say, because I'm lazy, Aaron Genie Balls.

We're going to go with Arangini.

Aaron Ginnie's balls.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Has that ruined it for you?

Now you think of a genie's balls?

A little bit.

Yeah.

Well, normally genies have just got that wispy tail.

So I think you're right.

I think I think fair.

Yeah, I don't think there's been a lot of John Taylor down there.

Yeah, so I don't think it's that kind of balls.

If you found a lamp and you rubbed it and the genie came out, obviously you'd be excited.

I was so excited.

But if the genie had a big old pair of nuts on him, would that take away some of the excitement excitement for you?

I don't think I'd be worried about it.

I think I'd just be so excited to see the genie.

Yeah.

I think the balls would go out the window,

wouldn't bother me.

I'd be worrying about, I'd be thinking about what wish, wouldn't I?

I wouldn't be going, oh, look at his set of balls.

I was just thinking about his balls going down.

His knuckles down there.

You wouldn't use one of your wishes to make the genie's balls disappear.

Absolutely not.

What a waste.

Nothing to do with it.

First of all, first wish.

Get rid of those balls.

Imagine wasting a wish on a set of balls that aren't even got nothing nothing to do with you.

There's nothing, it doesn't matter if he's got balls, it doesn't matter what that bit looks like.

Yeah, boys love, why do boys always giggle about balls?

It's funny though, isn't it?

Because also I'm just imagining him just having balls.

Yeah, yeah, I imagine just having balls.

Yeah.

Can't see his dick or anything.

It's just his balls.

Just massive balls.

Yeah, just this visible...

Like, I'm imagining like when a dog hasn't had its balls off, you can't.

You see the back of the dog.

You see it like going, whoa, that one's still got its balls.

Yeah.

Be like that if you see a genie and they're just i imagine like a yeah set of dogs balls yeah on the genie yeah i was sort of imagining kind of the genie from aladdin that we all love the blue one yeah loving where would they go where would they sit i suppose in that area before the wisp

yeah the area before

kind of that triangular as they narrow down yeah it would kind of be there wouldn't it or the end of the wisp but it wisps down you look to the wisp and then there's just swinging off the end.

I'm not sure about that.

No, not the end of the wisp.

No, sorry.

That was a stupid thing to say.

Sorry.

Not the end of the wisp.

That's ridiculous.

That's like his

feet would be.

Really stupid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm an idiot.

I can't believe I said the balls would be on the end of the wisp.

I also think it would be like when you see him on a dog.

So you can basically see it from the back.

So the genie's kind of speaking to you and it all seems fine.

And then you're like, okay, cool.

I've got this.

I've got three wishes.

I understand.

And he's like, yeah, cool.

And then he just turns around.

to look at something or whatever.

And then you see his balls and go, oh, man.

Maybe it's the genie's main aim, like in Aladdin, where he really wants to be free.

He wants someone to use one of their wishes to be free.

This genie really wants someone to wish his balls away because they're quite cumbersome.

Yeah.

Doesn't make for an easy time.

Also, when it squeezes back into the lamp, exactly.

Can you imagine his face is there with the balls in his face?

Yeah, it all gets squeezed up together.

Is he putting them in the spout first or is he pulling them in last?

I think when he gets back in, I reckon everything goes in and they're the last thing.

Shit.

Yeah.

He's got a proper yankum.

Really heavy.

The rim of the lamp.

Yeah.

Really?

Top of his ball.

Really undignified.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Poor guy.

Poor guy.

Let's talk more about these arangini balls then.

So in like a truffly, a truffle butter type thing.

Like a truffle butter.

Look at these.

And what's in, is there anything inside the arancini ball in terms of?

Usually kind of

rice, obviously, because it's risotto rice, isn't it?

And an arancini ball

with bolognese or you get them with ham and cheese.

So I think I'll go bolognese please.

Nice.

A little secret bolognese pocket.

But they're quite small.

Yeah.

You know, I went to

a lot to get through.

So yeah, just a little snack.

So Dream Starter then said, yeah.

So difficult.

I was trying it over the weekend.

I was, someone said to me, what are you doing there?

What are you writing?

I said, I'm trying to write my menu.

It's really important.

Really thinking about it.

Who was this you were talking to?

I was talking to my daughter, Eliza.

I said, I've got to write my menu.

And I wanted it all to kind of fit in but i just don't i think it's impossible to do that because then it just becomes boring so i think i've got to go for different things for each course that give me joy yeah so for a starter i'm going to go for it's a bit off the wall i've had my own and genie balls but if this is kind of my last meal or my dream meal and i think i've got to have a bacon roll like a bacon sandwich or roll i love that so i'm going for a crusty roll from the baker's like a white crusty roll from the baker's yeah with thick salted butter, proper butter, room temperature, obviously.

There's nothing worse, is there than a hard butter that you can't spread?

You're spreading it, it's ripping up the roll.

I can't bear it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's got to be room temp.

I mean,

well, the worst is as well, if it's like on toast and it's cold butter, then I'll just end up slicing the butter like cheese and laying it on and watching it melt.

And then you've had, what, half a pack of butter or one slice of toast.

Yeah.

It's quite nice, actually.

It is nice.

It is really good.

Every cloud.

I'm going to say what the listener is going to be thinking and yelling at their phones right now.

Go on.

Why don't you switch around your bread course and your starter and have a bacon roll as your bread course because that's the bread and the butter in there and then have the Arangini balls as your starter.

I could do that.

I could do that, but I feel the Anangini balls are too small really to be the starter.

I'd stick to your guns.

I'm going to stick to what I'm doing.

Yeah.

But I really love a bacon roll.

Yeah.

Thick, crispy, organic bacon.

What type of bacon are we doing?

It's usually from the, I don't know if we can say names of things.

Yeah, we love it.

The ginger pig.

Yeah.

The ginger pig do excellent bacon.

Is it streaky?

Is it back?

No, it's back.

Back, nice.

Unsmoked.

Unsmoked.

Interesting.

Okay.

I'm going unsmoked, yeah.

Why?

I don't mind a smoked bacon, but for a perfect bacon roll for me, I like it unsmoked.

Is the fat all crispy?

Very crispy, yeah.

Yeah.

There's so many things to talk about with a bacon roll.

There's so many variables, aren't there, for something that's quite a sort of simple staple food yeah how many rashes i like to pack it pack it out pack it out i do like to pack it out a whole packet no not a whole packet i'd say they're very thick actually and they're quite large from in there so in a in a small baker's right roll i reckon three and it's quite a lot of bacon that's good that's cool though i reckon three but you want to feel like especially with back bacon because it's thick anyway you want to feel like you're getting in there

having a good old mouthful yeah i went to university in the northeast and there was a place that i found towards the end of me being there uh which was like a little hatch in the wall and you could buy a bacon sandwich from there and they were open like till like midnight amazing last thing this guy needs the best thing in the world and it was a baguette you go and get a baguette and i'm not joking they'd put a whole pack of bacon in it lovely it was the absolute dream to finish a night out unbelievable with a baguette and a whole pack of bacon.

I like it.

A joy.

I really like it.

True joy.

Wakes up the next morning.

Hello.

It's half a baguette.

Half a packet of bacon.

i wasn't leaving any of that no no i know i knew you weren't yeah i'd need the water though i'd be saying hello to a big old bottle of water so yeah still

you wouldn't give a would you just something anything sauce you having sauce in it yes now this this is always controversial it is really controversial

i'm hoping i'm hoping for brown sauce I love brown sauce, but if I'm true to myself, I am going tomato sauce and mayo.

Oh

my loud.

Almost a Marie-Rose.

Wow.

I'm not mixing them up, but they're in there.

The Mayo's a curveball, isn't it?

Because I thought we were going so traditional with the bacon roll.

Either brown or red sauce.

Mayo.

Wow.

I'm obsessed with mayonnaise.

Yeah.

If I didn't eat mayonnaise, I reckon I'd be thin.

What?

Seriously, I think if I gave up mayo, I reckon I'd look like Kate Moss.

How much mayo are you having on a daily basis?

I have cut it down of late.

Okay, well, I don't want to to hear about what you've cut it down to.

I want to hear about what you're on before.

At your worst,

at your lowest ebb.

How many?

How many are you getting?

How much mayo is what are you getting for a day?

I mean, I'm reckoning.

I reckon I'd have a chicken baguette.

I'd make myself a chicken baguette, roast chicken with lettuce,

and I would pile on the mayo.

Yeah.

Talk us through the pile on, though.

How much would you say?

Could you estimate?

If we've got a jar,

I reckon six tablespoons.

Fuck it.

wow that's a mayo sandwich yeah that's

the chicken is the condiment there yeah it's really bad loved it and is that would that be it for the day or no that would be lunch time yeah that would be lunch yeah i was heavier back then still got the rest of the jar to get i was four stone heavier back then oh yeah i was yeah and you cut cut mayo out your diet i haven't cut it out okay but i've don't be silly that's not a bit silly you're not on six tablespoons in a bag yet no no no but would you have some for dinner as well then would there be mayo involved in dinner no matter what it is 12 chips were there or yeah wedges or yeah how much mayo is in this bacon roll we're going um tomato sauce just a little like we do little you know little

just imagine that's the bottle i don't really know how to describe yeah you do a little spiral is what you're looking at

and then mayo the same over the top a little spiral round not much you really have cut you really have no i've really really cut back

it pains me to say it but yeah i have but you need it in there.

If you don't have mayo in there, you're going to be upset with this bacon roll.

Yeah.

Because I like everything to amalgamate.

I like the butter and the mayo and the tomato sauce all to go together.

Yeah.

Heart attack in a roll.

That's fair.

It does sound good.

It has to be a bacon roll.

You don't want some sausages in there, some eggs.

No, thank you.

No.

I don't know.

I don't trust people who have egg sandwiches and egg rolls.

You don't trust the people?

No.

I don't understand it.

What's your issue with it?

Do you know, I don't really know.

I just don't, I don't like it.

Is it the pop, the pop of the yolk?

But you know what?

You know when you see someone having an egg and bacon sandwich and they bite down and then the yolk and the yolk pops and it all spills out the other side.

Yeah, it makes me feel a bit sick.

That's only in with Nell and I.

Get in the back of the van!

That's happened to me.

Oh, yeah.

The fried egg, the fried egg sandwich.

I think it's a yolkie thing, and sometimes the yolk, if it's not cooked, looks like snot.

It's just that, I don't know, the yolk thing.

I love a poached egg, don't get me wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

And a scrambled egg.

You know, I like eggs, but

you're not putting them in between bread

no fair enough that was i mean for me when i was i don't know how old i was a kid when i had my first bacon and egg roll i thought this is the best thing in the world yeah i'd never ever want to go back this is incredible never met anyone who is that opposed to it before do you have a bacon and egg roll now i would go for it if that was the option yeah yeah if that's the option and i'd have some sausages in there i'd just go full like you know breakfast yeah full breakfast breakfast bap would you have baked beans in it you know what if someone offered it sure i wouldn't no i think it'd be a a bad idea.

Yeah.

But if someone said you want baked beans in there, I'd be like, yeah, go on.

Would you?

Smash them in.

Why not?

Let's try it.

It would be bad.

It wouldn't be great.

All the bean juice.

You really only need those three things, I think.

That's the maximum you need.

I don't know.

Like, there's a couple of cafes in Edinburgh where you can get like the square sausage in there or like black pudding in a roll as well.

Black pudding.

Bacon and black pudding roll.

Well, I love black pudding.

Oh my god.

So bad, but so good.

So good.

Yeah.

There's a pub near me, local pub, but it's a really lovely foodie pub.

And they do a starter.

It is ridiculous.

You couldn't have.

This is

so big that you could.

I don't know what I mean.

I've had it and gone.

You expect me now to have a main meal?

The black pudding is kind of a tube size, if you can imagine to your listeners, like a

that sort of size going around.

What's that sort of?

What would you say it's like?

A boomerang.

It looks like a boomerang.

A boomerang.

But like a black pudding.

Imagine a book.

Well done, James.

Yes, absolutely.

I was going to go in a different direction.

Yeah, of course you were

just like a boomer man yeah

oh yes

that's beautiful

that's a a wonderful starter i felt very uh nostalgic even though i still eat them but like you know it's like it makes you feel homely yeah it does yeah and it reminds me of my mum as well going back to that like going over to the baker's yeah and i lost my mum when i was 19 so she'd go over the bakers when i was about 10.

yeah and i'd nick her embassy number ones and smoke under the cooker hood I'll walk to the bakers.

You don't remember the cooker hood?

Yeah, the extractor fan.

The extractor fan.

I need to see she won't know that I'm doing this until about 10.

I mean, she definitely knew, right?

Yeah.

Come back.

The extractor fan is not magic.

It doesn't completely remove all smell.

And you probably noticed that factor.

Always remember we lived on Essex Road, so you'd I'd look out the window in Islington, so you'd look out and I could see her.

So I could I could just finish up.

Oh, she's on my way back, you know.

Good old memories.

I was sick of a bacon sandwich.

That's.

Come on, that's good.

I wasn't eating the bacon rots.

No, that's just

absolutely.

That's going to be on my next street, didn't you?

I tell you.

An embassy number 10 and a bacon sandwich.

Absolutely.

Get that kid to audition for East Enders.

Yeah.

Right.

You get your, you're going to be in EastEnders.

Yeah.

You're going to be

in a dot-cotton prequel.

Yeah.

Bacon fats and chainsmaker.

There you go.

Get in there.

Make for it.

Make for it.

Dream main course.

Well, I'm denialed with this because I'm such a pasta lover.

But a part of me is a bit, okay, is that really boring to go for a pasta dish?

And I love steak and I do, I do, I really like a good steak, kind of a ribeye or something.

So then I thought, is there any possibility that I could have maybe some pasta on the plate with some?

You can have a pasta course, Natalie.

Some people have hacked this in the past and asked for a pasta course because that is a thing.

It is a thing.

And then a main course.

So if you want...

I've got a bacon roll now.

Yeah.

I'll be stuffed, won't I?

Oh, yeah.

Look, this is the dream restaurant.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime meal.

Yeah.

I'm a genie.

I can take away you being full.

I can't take away my own balls, but

I can take away you being full so that you won't be full for this meal.

All right.

Let's have a pasta course in there.

Yeah, that's what we like to hear.

Let's have a pasta course in there.

And I would like the tagliolini.

So not the taglitelli, but it's thin.

So it's like a flat spaghetti, isn't it?

A tagliolini.

It's like smaller.

That's my favourite pasta.

Yeah.

And I would have a lobster chili pasta.

Love it.

Now I shouldn't.

This is a dream menu because.

I love crustaceans, but they don't love me.

A lot of things don't love you, though, yeah.

I really don't.

No, I'm not allergic.

What is it?

Intolerance, a lot of things, but I just ignore it.

Yeah.

I ignore it.

I can't do it.

I shouldn't eat gluten.

I shouldn't have pork.

I know I shouldn't have lobster or crab.

This entire menu.

Most of the menu.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lobster pasta for someone who shouldn't have gluten and crab.

And a bacon roll.

And a bacon roll.

Yeah.

I just polished off a bacon roll, then go straight into the

lobster.

If I was eating this meal, the next day you wouldn't see me out of that toilet for 24 hours.

Fair enough.

But it's worth it.

It's got to be worth 24 hours, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's got to be.

Reflecting on the meal.

Yeah.

The whole time.

It was good.

Shouting worth it every time you do a shit.

So it's lobster and chili and garlic, I'm presuming.

Which doesn't love you either.

Not really.

And a lovely tagliaini.

Oh, beautiful.

Really, really nice.

Not too big.

Let's have a little one because we don't need to be greedy here.

No.

But it's just that lovely, but quite chunky lobster.

When you get a lobster dish and you can't find it.

Yeah, agreed.

Lacan de Locatellis does a lovely lobster oh yeah spaghetti whereabouts is that that is regency hyatt i can't remember what square it's on actually you'll have a look the hyatt regency hotel in the west end and then the lacanda's is off of that giorgio locatelli's little restaurant surprise you've not been there no i've not been there you've not ever been there no no you should go there for the bread basket and the pasta boys all right for sure

that sounds lovely though that's a great pasta course any sauce in this pasta no it's usually quite yeah it's just a little bit of oil some lemon on it maybe lots of black pepper yeah you don't want no cheese if anyone puts parmesan on a fish pasta see you later bye bye that's yeah that's like this is proper traditional italian right because italians go mad if you do that put cheese on a

fish pasta so stupid it's one of my favorite um i appear to be on the algorithm on instagram of getting videos of people with italian partners doing things that they know are going to annoy them okay it goes up like this the classic is filming in the kitchen and the man is italian he's stood in the background and a woman gets uh pasta and breaks it over the pot like snaps it in half oh you cut and he'll go oh

and i go absolutely crazy it's brilliant wow how'd you end up on that algorithm i've got no idea but now i'm on it i'm on it sounds great now if i were to snap the pasta up my nieces hate me oh really all half italian they're all half half neapolitan they just slag me off really when i cook if i'm honest if i can't do anything right they just stand behind me going that's not right How many of them?

How many potatoes?

There's 12 of us.

Isn't that all the potatoes?

You can go.

Leave me alone.

Let me cook this dinner.

How much may are you putting on that?

Yeah, Jesus Christ.

You've gone through five spoons.

So your main course then after the pasta dish.

So I think I would go for a ribeye steak.

A really nice ribeye.

I do like a fillet.

I don't mind a sirlon.

I don't mind a sirlon.

Look, look, this is your dream menu.

We're airing Aaron Ginny.

No, we're not.

We're backing up.

I'm a Ginny.

Sirloin.

I do like a sirloin, but I don't think you can beat the flavour of ribeye.

Preach.

Yeah, yeah.

Agreed.

Agreed?

Yeah.

Always a ribeye for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If it's an option on a menu, always getting ribeye.

Yeah.

Nice marbled fat through that.

Beautiful.

So tasty.

I do like a chateau briand.

Yeah.

Now, don't get me wrong.

Well, you would never suggest you don't like a chateau briand.

I actually don't know what cut that is.

What is that?

I don't know what the cut is.

But it comes usually for two.

I think.

It's a big one.

It's nice.

It's a big one.

Usually on Boxing Day or the day when all the family come to me, I will do a Cote de Berf, a big, big bone-in coat de boef.

And it does, I'm very good at cooking a roast dinner.

That's my thing.

So your nieces leave you alone when you do it?

No, they're still in the air roll.

They're still talking away, but they don't muck about with the beef.

They don't talk about the beef.

Yeah, they are.

I'm good.

I'm good at doing that.

The beef's your thing.

Absolutely.

Medium, rare?

Rare?

No.

Medium.

I don't like blood in it.

I'm really sorry.

I know.

I know.

I think

medium's respectful, though.

No, it's not.

With a big cut of meat.

And this is something I'm finding out as I get older.

I used to be rare or nothing.

Then I creep to medium rare.

Now I don't mind if it's erring in between medium, rare, and medium.

Who's this?

I don't recognise this man anymore.

Anything above medium can absolutely fuck off.

But you're happy with no...

I'm very happy.

It could be as pink as you like.

So if it's well rested, it can be medium-rare.

As long as there's no blood on my plate, I'm happy.

This is what I mean.

This is what I I mean.

So if it's completely rested, I just don't want any blood.

I don't want to cut in and there'd be liquid on my plate.

Yeah.

Not having no idea.

But there shouldn't be, should there?

Even with rare, if you've rested it properly, it shouldn't.

Yeah.

Even yeah, if it was completely rested, as long as there's no liquid on my plate, I can eat it.

I saw a film the other day where the main character has it almost raw with steak.

Blue.

Was he a bear?

No, Jesse Plemons.

And

then his wife comes back.

She's been away for ages.

And he doesn't trust it.

It's his wife.

So he asks her to cut off her finger and feed it to him.

And she does it.

And if your partner, if you were away for a bit, and you got home and your partner said, I don't believe it's you, cut off your finger.

Sorry, why does it work?

What's happened with the character?

Can we whine back a bit?

I've still not seen this film, so you're really...

I don't understand.

Yeah, but I don't understand.

Why doesn't he believe what?

Is he locked in a room?

Is he blind?

He doesn't believe it's her.

She's acting weird.

She's acting different.

She's eating chocolate cake.

She never used to eat chocolate.

Right.

Her shoes don't fit her anymore it's a weird film though isn't it sounds it bit weird weirder than eastenders

like less realistic okay has there ever been a cannibal on eastenders not that i know of oh you got it you got to do that

you got to do it you could come in and do that james why don't you come in and be a weirdo that moves into the square and he starts to like as a

weird like you're not the acting obviously no no he is hey listen i'd gladly play a cannibal in eastenders yeah who would you eat who wouldn't i eat more like um you could eat Sonia.

Well, listen.

Yeah.

Sonia, first to go.

What a CV that would be for you, James.

Already full of garlic.

Yeah.

Delicious.

Coming out the pores.

Filled with mayo.

Yeah.

Love that.

I'd be quite good, I think, to eat.

Who else is still knocking around in the square?

People that you might know.

Ian Beale's still there.

Yeah, Bealey's there.

He's got wood.

Yeah.

Are you having a chunk of wood yet?

Yeah, I'd have wood, yeah.

Maybe that'll just be it.

I'll just need Ian Beale.

Because I think, like, long, longest-serving cast member?

Um, yeah, very much so.

One of, yeah.

I mean, it's a good.

I think what are you ending?

Yeah.

For his character.

Yeah.

I'd at least give it a go, try and eat him.

I think that, you know, maybe Stenders isn't ready for actual cannibalism, but a cannibal character who tries to eat Ian Beal.

He has a.

You get a lot of people watching that.

Yeah, you would.

Yeah.

Just from the listeners of this, to be fair.

Yeah.

If I've got him in a big cauldron in a pot and he's like bound at the ankles.

He's got a phrase that he says.

he'd be going around in the cauldron he'd be going i've got nothing left yeah yeah

i've got nothing left yeah i'm like keep on crying bill it just seasons the pot i'm not sure i'm not sure he standers is ready for a cannibal for a cannibal actually yeah no i'm not sure either just maybe purely because it's on at half seven yeah i think maybe a storyline where someone thinks that someone is a cannibal

and they suspect someone of being a cannibal it could be like a bit of a com a comedy storyline because like their wife their wife goes on holiday and they don't know and they're like oh he's eating her or something yeah

everyone thinks i'm eating people yeah because there's just different stuff that i'm doing i think you should stick to what you know boys because yeah i think the storyliners at work are probably okay they're okay well look you take take that to them anyway i'll take that to them but we will let them know let them know that the off-menu boys have got an idea yeah

that everyone thinks there's a cannibal on the square yeah hey This was exciting in my house many years ago.

I had the same dressing gown as Sonia.

Excuse me?

i had the same dressing gown as sonia

my mum was like you got the same dressing gown as sonia that was exciting

that was big news in our house what colour was it it was like had a pattern it was quite patterned i'm trying to think of what one it was yeah it was like why did you have a females

i'd say it was a unit it was a unisex uh it was a unisex dressing gown yeah it was probably around the the same time as the trumpet came in oh so prop what we were looking maybe 95 how old are you ed i'm uh 38.

are you really yeah yeah i'm 41 so you're...

This is probably when I was nine or ten, maybe.

Yeah, so I would have been maybe 13, 14, Sonia would have been.

Same dressing gown.

Wow.

Mad, isn't it?

It's incredible.

I was planning to bring it.

I'm not saying that we haven't got a visual of this.

Are you going to have a picture of it?

I'm sure.

I'll ask my mum.

I'm sure you're going to have to.

I need to Google Sonia 13 dressing gown.

Be careful.

I was planning on bringing that up, but I couldn't find a moment for it to come up naturally, so I just said it.

Off the back of the cannibal chat.

I think it works perfectly.

Are you having any sauce with this steak by the way?

I do like a Bonnet sauce.

Yeah.

I don't know if I'm a bit sourced out from the Mayo tomato ketchup.

I think I'm going ribeye with the ribeye.

I know I get I've got a side.

I know I have a side.

Is that it on the plate?

No, you can have well tell us what you want.

I'd really love a rocket and Parmesan salad.

Yeah.

Yeah, great.

Can I do that?

Yeah.

A couple of little piccolini cherry tomatoes.

Yeah.

A bit of red onion.

Nice.

So, yeah, I'd have a nice salad with it.

Great.

This is going to blow your mind, Natalie.

That's what I'm having for dinner tonight.

What?

I've got a ribeye in the fridge and I've got some rocket and some tomatoes and some parmesan.

What with this and the dressing gown, I think we're meant to be a child.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is brilliant.

I think we're mates.

Yeah.

Soulmates.

I think so.

Yeah, yeah.

You might be the same person.

That could be the twist at the end.

That'd be a big twist.

Big twist to the best.

Suggest that to the

other storyline, people.

They're humouring you, but we know it's just.

Okay.

This is a good storyline.

I turn up in the square, don't preface it with this.

It is.

I'm there for a couple of months.

I'm getting up to all sorts.

Then, big twist.

It's getting up to all sorts.

I'm part of Sonia's imagination.

Like Fight Club, like Fight Club.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

But your standards.

What do you work?

Yeah.

You turn us haven't done that yet.

No, we've had a few kind of breakdowns and things with people visualizing other people.

But no, we haven't had no big twists where a new character turns out to be someone's imagination.

Imagination.

No.

That could work yeah

your dream side

if i'm going my dream it doesn't really go with them food but i do love a dolphin wild potato i really like

well it does it does but i could have a very very nice just a lovely skinny fry sometimes i don't think you can beat a lovely salty skinny potato fry not a sweet potato fry yeah i might i don't i like a sweet potato fry you can't get them as crispy though can you no you can't yeah although the air fryer does well for the frozen ones now they're quite good i've never tried an air fryer so oh it is good i know it's boring it's got material thigh yeah i don't want to tread on his toes people are over the top about them i think i agree i agree with you but i chuck in some nuggets and some chips in a drawer yeah with not a lot of washing and it is ready in 10 minutes yeah convenient it's very convenient for the children it's great But we're not having that on the side of the dream meal, though.

We're either going to have skinny fries or the Dauphinois potatoes.

I'm going to go Dauphinois because I'm having a dream.

And it's something I don't cook a lot.

This is a ball egg to make.

I love them.

Fucking hell, it takes a while.

I've got a routine about Dauphinois as well in my new show because I cut my thumb on a man's.

I mean, this is crazy.

I'll tell you what I admire, because in my stand-up shows now, I kind of steer clear of food because I think I've got to save all my food stuff for this pod.

Ed is

all over it.

Yeah, it's all I've got.

He's confident, man.

He just does food routines.

He's like, I'll generate new stuff.

I'll generate new gear.

He knows he will.

It's my brand now.

The food stuff.

Yeah.

It's my brand.

You should start presenting Master Chef.

No, I can't.

I'm on Great Britain.

I'm a judge on Great British Men.

They're warring faction.

Oh, shit.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah.

How long have you been doing that for?

Three years?

Oh, no.

It's going into my fourth year.

Yeah, so it's quite a few seconds.

I haven't watched that for a long time.

No, genuinely, I haven't watched that for a long time.

I'm going to start watching that now.

Well,

it feels like a fresh format.

It's a whole new show.

Yeah.

He's doing food jokes on that.

He's doing food jokes here.

He's doing food jokes in his standard.

But listen, don't knock it if it works.

yeah i'm not knocking it i'm admiring it yeah it's great what are you doing then what's your sort of material sadly sad i just talked about how sad that

fair

your dream drink okay i think if i'm having a nice meal i would really like a lovely cold glass of musso it's quite a posh wine it's quite a rich and creamy wine it reminds me of christmas It's something I buy maybe once a year, a bottle of for Christmas Day that I like to drink.

If I was being nostalgic, though, I would have my dad's cup of tea that he used to make me.

Because it was just a lovely cup.

And he'd go, do you have any cup of tea, Squirt?

And I'd go, yes, please, dad.

He used to live with me.

So I would do that.

And I'd have my dad's cup of tea.

It would be a shame not to have both of those things, I think.

Have both.

What about, I mean, the cup of tea would go very nicely with the bacon roll.

I'm not going to have that.

Do I have it there?

Yeah, absolutely.

Great.

Thank you.

You're very good.

The rules are

desert island disc, isn't it?

We want it to be people's actual dream meals.

Like we don't want it to be, you know, the rules are there to like guide you, but

we want people to actually have their dream meal.

It's nice.

With the bacon roll as well, do you also want a ciggy stood next to the extractor fan?

No, thank you, because I don't smoke anymore.

Yeah, but we can make it so that, you know.

you're 10 years old when you used to smoke the most

when you're at the height of your smoking at 10 years old old, we could have it that for that for that course, you're 10.

Just the cup of tea and the bacon roll.

That's a nice starter.

Can you describe the cup of tea your dad would make?

It would just be a lovely, nice, strong Yorkshire gold cup of tea left in for ages.

Not too much milk, but, you know, just a nice builder's tea.

Sugar?

No sugar?

No sugar.

Sweet enough, James.

Do you think it was...

the way your dad made the tea that made it a nice cup of tea or was it the fact that your dad was making it for you that made it nice both both things yeah it was just because he would make me a cup of tea.

And even up until, you know, he was, you know, 83 or whatever, I'd be running around.

He'd say, oh, you don't stop, do you?

I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

And you know, it was quite a nice thing that he'd do.

That's lovely.

Really lovely.

Yeah.

I've never had this wine before.

I've never heard of it.

I think you did.

I think I have had Merceau, yeah.

It's nice.

It's quite rich.

It's quite full-bodied.

Obviously, again, depends what one you're having, but the one I've had before has been really lovely.

Right.

I usually, in the summer and stuff, I would go for a...

i'd go for a night probably a soncer or something like that a polyfume but i feel like my taste buds with wine are changing

i just feel very snobby about it and i don't mean it but i used to have a sauvignon blanc and be happy with a sauignon blanc and now i can't take it tastes like piss

all sauvignon blanc tastes like pest eating out a lot of it everything yeah you know like pub what you go what have you got and having got a garvey the most expensive one in the pub is kind of the sauvignon blanc

i I don't like Pinot Greggio.

So I'd have one of them and think, oh, this is awful.

It's like petrol, which is why I'm not an alcoholic because I'd rather have a Diet Coke.

Yeah.

That's what you thought.

Do you know what I mean?

I think that's a good cloak.

You know, you go, well, actually, if it's rubbish, I'd rather have a Ribena.

You're not drinking to get drunk.

You want to drink a thing that you actually enjoy.

It's a bit like gins, isn't it?

I don't like rubbish gin.

I don't like tonic.

Do you like gin and tonic?

I love a gin and tonic.

What's your favourite gin and tonic?

What's your favourite gin?

My favourite gin is Harris gin, which is from the Isle of Harris.

Okay.

It's sort of, it's made with like kelp, which is like seaweed.

So it's got that sort of seaweed-y, slightly salty taste to it.

Nice.

Absolutely delicious.

It comes in a beautiful bottle.

I would have it with tonic, but it's better.

I find it dude, like a gin martini.

And then you get the full sort of hit of the gin.

That's nice.

But then I do them at home and you're like,

I'm pretty sure there's four measures of gin in that and I've just drunk it in four minutes.

It is true.

And then you're just walking around your house going, I'm absolutely hammered.

After two drinks, like you get the old negronis on the go,

saying hello to everything.

Oh, my goodness, me.

Yeah, but just to be clear, you're not an alcoholic.

Not an alcoholic, no, neither is Ed.

We're just chatting about gin, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just getting shit-faced in your house, yeah.

But I'm drinking the nice stuff, yeah, yeah.

Do you not drink, James?

Yeah, I do, yeah.

Yeah, do you like gin?

I drink, huh?

Do you like gin?

Yeah, he drinks, yeah.

Havis gin, seaweed.

I like having seaweed gin.

Okay, I know what's happening here.

No, they won't send me any.

I have to buy it.

I have a question about the soncer.

Soncerre?

Yeah.

You said you said somebody should do a soncerre.

Does the barman ever go a soncer for sonnier?

No, but that's very funny, James.

Would you like that if the barman did do that?

No.

No, probably not.

When you arrive at your dream dessert, my favourite course.

Are you a sweet tooth?

I am.

He's a sweet boy.

Is he?

True.

Boring.

What?

Boring.

What?

What are you talking about?

I knew Natalie would be on my side.

We already know.

We're the same person.

Yeah, I've got a different.

What are you talking about?

Not interested.

You're not interested.

Not interested.

My mark, he bakes, well, he bakes cakes.

He does a marmalade cake and a marmalade and whiskey cake.

Lovely.

He'll bake.

He'll bake, you know, and he'll take stuff to work.

What a lovely man.

He is a lovely man.

I should have brought you a cake in.

Next time.

Next time.

Well, you don't get guests on twice, do you?

If they bring cakes, yeah.

So, anyway, yeah, but there's lots of cake around, and my daughter was on the junior bake-off as well.

So, she did really well.

She was amazing on that.

Okay, well, whatever.

She was brilliant on Junior Bake Off.

How did you watch it?

I love Junior Bake Off.

Do you?

Yeah, I think it's brilliant.

I think it's better than normal Bake Off.

I love Harry Hill on it.

That's why.

Yeah, Harry Hill's incredible.

I think Liam and Rav are brilliant hosts as well.

I agree.

Yeah, I love it.

The kids are always funny.

There's always one chaotic one who just drops everything but doesn't care.

I think it's fantastic.

Yeah, it's good.

Anyway, yeah, so I'm not really into desserts.

I haven't really got a sweet tooth.

It's better not be going where I think it's going.

I do love a fruit and nut in the fridge.

Is that all right with you?

Sorry, I wasn't expecting fruit and nut in the fridge really made me laugh.

You said it like it was an innuendo.

It isn't.

It's not.

It's not.

Look.

Do you like chocolate in the fridge, James?

Yeah, I do.

I do love chocolate.

I do like chocolate in the fridge, actually.

Yeah, I do.

I do like chocolate in the fridge.

And if that is your dream dessert.

No, that's not my dessert.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, back up, Jane.

That's not my dessert.

I'm just saying, if we're going into chocolate or sweet things,

okay,

I'll have that in the fridge.

Or I would go for, you know, those bones, is it bon mamon?

They do the little French

bollocks.

Like a mousse.

Blackcurrant mousse.

I'll be laughing.

Well, because you said bollocks out of nowhere.

The most unnecessary bollocks I've ever heard.

Bollocks.

Not as unnecessary as as the bollocks on the cheese.

But like, it was, it was just out of no, it was like just muttered under your breath.

Yeah, I'm thinking.

It's a blackcurrant mousse, they do.

The bon mammon black currant mousse.

Yeah, and that's lovely.

That would go in there.

Lovely.

That's okay.

However, don't, don't, don't, however, because like I'm very scared now that you're going to go savoury.

And I am.

Oh, yes.

It's been a while since we've had this.

I don't like this, Natalie.

I'm on a cheeseboard.

No!

the same person!

No!

You motherfucker!

What have you got against the cheeseball?

Fuck!

It's been so

long since this has happened.

It's not a dessert.

You know it's not.

Oh, my God.

Talk us through the cheeseboards.

I go into a restaurant, James.

Yeah.

When I went to the Ledbury, yes.

Wonderful restaurant, by the way.

It is best restaurant in London, right?

My favourite.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

I hope it burns down.

Genuinely.

I hope it burns to the ground.

Same favourite restaurant, James.

Same favourite restaurant, James.

Jesus.

So when you go to a nice restaurant,

why is there a cheese course, James, at the end?

Because what's the problem?

They're pretentious dickheads and

they're just putting it on there just to, if anything, just to test.

I think it's fine to have a cheese board after you've had a dessert.

That's absolutely fine.

Or even before as a bridge into the dessert course.

But to not have a dessert at all and to just have a cheese board is absolute sacrilege.

And I can't believe what I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe how angry you've got, considering I've ordered Alan Gini and then a fucking bacon roll and a cup of tea.

Those things were great.

I was all right with those things.

What do you want?

I can't believe this has happened.

I would like.

There's some sweet stuff on the board, James, if that helps you.

If you think Quench Jelly is going to.

Natalie's doing proper mum voice at you now.

Yes.

I don't like this at all.

A little dried apricot?

Little dried figgy.

What?

A little dried figgy, James.

A little dried figgy.

Little figgy fig.

Little figgy fig, James.

This is revolting.

I also like the biscuits,

kind of the, you know, crackers, biscuits, savory things that we have with cheese with the fruit in.

Those ones that are called biscuits for cheese, those ones, yeah, they're really nice.

Yeah.

There is a little bit of a little bit of sweetness in there, isn't it?

Yeah, there can be a little date in there or there can be...

Sweetness in there.

It makes it feel like a pudding, doesn't it?

When there's a bit of sweetness,

that's enough sweetness for me.

So I feel like a pudding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rounds off the meal.

Nice.

Maybe some few fresh grapes, but I'm not overly bothered about that.

Just leave them there, don't you?

Leave them there.

I'd prefer a little apple slice.

Yeah, nice.

If I was going for anything, those might feel like a cheddar, yeah.

So like a blue, a blue cheese.

Absolutely hot.

Yeah, I would really like an extra mature cheddar, a really good one.

I do, I love an extra mature cheddar.

Would like the crystals in it sometimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd go Cornish Cruncher.

If I'm going into, I'd go a Cornish Cruncher for Marx's when I'm buying.

Yeah, the number five.

If it's got five on it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

This is absolutely tragic.

And then I'd go for a lovely...

I feel sorry.

I'd go for a lovely

blue.

Nice blue, strong blue.

Yeah, like a Stilton or something.

Yeah, I'd go Stilton and then I'd probably go for a little Gorgonzona, a little sat like a black.

I love that.

Yeah, really nice, really tasty.

Some sad stuff.

You don't need much, do you?

Just a few things.

You need the classics.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I even like a Wensley Dale with cranberries.

Yeah, nice.

And that's sweet.

That's almost like a dessert.

I mean, that is a dessert.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not a dessert.

None of this is a dessert.

None of this is a dessert.

Fucking hell.

So yeah, I'd have a few slivers of that.

Lovely.

A little bit of fig, some lovely thin, crispy crackers.

Come on.

There's biscuits and cheese.

This is your doof-doof.

I'm getting doof-doofed all over the shop by both of these fucking pricks.

That's unnecessary.

I've travelled down here from where I live.

It's taken me an hour and a half to get to you.

You call me a fucking prick.

Yeah.

You're lucky.

I'm raining it in.

He is raining it in.

Normally he storms off.

I'm raining it in.

You're lucky I'm still even fucking here.

Yeah.

Mike.

It must be really hard to work with Ed.

It is sometimes, yeah.

Especially when people pick a cheeseboard.

Now, James.

I'm not going to change it, James.

You've got to try and lift the atmosphere now for the end of the episode because you've got to read Natalie's menu back to her.

She's lucky if I read that back to her.

Well, I can read it back if you want.

You don't do it like I do it.

Would I be able to, with that course, can I just have a little glass of port with that?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Damn right.

Well, that's,

yeah.

I'm okay with the port.

Yeah.

That's glass.

Is that nice?

Yeah, the port's nice.

This is just, this is mind-blowing.

We were doing so well.

Sampille Grina with the wedge of lime, the Bolognese Arangini with the truffle.

Yeah.

Bacon roll with the white white crusty roll, salted butter, unsmoked ginger pea, bacon, tomato sauce, mayo with your dad's cup of tea.

What a lovely beginning.

And the pasta hack with a lobster and chili tagliolini or something.

That sounded great.

Mid-bye steak, medium with.

Imagine a genuine way to check in the order like this.

I like the medium slide, but

you've got your rocket and parmesan salads, nice.

Dauphin Wise Potatoes, I thought that was lovely, even though you weren't back in it.

I thought that's good.

That goes with the main.

Cold glass of Mersaux wine.

I've not tried that, but I assume it's done.

And then what?

Just

to get to the end of it, and you got fucking cheese board.

Lovely.

With a glass of pot.

Classic.

This is a classic, delicious meal.

That is not delicious.

We're in France, baby.

We're not in France, baby.

Do you not eat cheese, then?

I eat cheese.

Do you like cheese?

You like a cheese board just not for dessert?

Not for dessert.

I ain't having it as a dessert.

No, no.

It's insane that you...

If I ate that.

You've got a lot of anger issues, James.

If I ate that.

Yeah.

Well, this is why I should be a character on Extenders.

I'd be good.

They should write me as they've cannibal.

A cannibal can't get angry about someone having a cheese board.

Oh, I think it could.

It'd be very angry about that.

Yeah.

I think even more angry than me.

No, no way.

Cannibal.

Yeah.

He's got no basis to be angry about a cheeseboard if he's eating humans.

You say he's not got a leg to stand on and then realise that was a cannibal pun.

Yeah.

I didn't want you to chime in with it.

Yeah, I would have done it.

Yeah.

I didn't want to give you the room to do that.

Yeah.

I'll read you like a fucking book, mate.

I saw the idea literally enter your head yeah written out like a cartoon yeah in a little thought bubble yeah and i was i wasn't gonna let you have it well i got it anyway

you can't hide your thoughts from me ed gamble

so you're going into east enders as a cannibal and i'm going in as a figment of sonia's imagination yeah wearing the dressing gown please yeah wearing the absolutely yeah

we have to find it yeah yeah that's the point where people know yeah it's when i come down the stairs in the dressing gown yeah and you're in the same dressing gown that's yeah that's the big reveal but i should be wearing the child size the child-size one.

Well, as an adult, as an adult.

We don't want to reveal too much, no.

It's half seven.

Do you mean storyline-wise, or?

Well, no, I'm thinking of my Aaron Jeannies.

Yeah.

Yep.

Natalie, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

I'm so sorry it's ended on such a sour note with James being a very grumpy little boy.

Well, thank you so much for having me.

It's been so lovely to see you both.

And sorry, James.

Thank you for coming, Natalie.

May you burn in hell.

There we are.

The brilliant Natalie Cassidy.

Oh dear, James.

That turned sour at the end, didn't it?

Look,

I felt betrayed.

Because when we did Springleaf the Audio sitcom, she never once mentioned that she likes cheese boards.

If she had, we'd like to let her carry on.

I would have fired her.

Yeah.

I would have fired her during Springleaf the Audio Sitcom and got someone else to do the part.

That is, of course, available wherever you get your podcast.

Wherever you get your podcast.

Wherever you get your podcasts, Springleaf the Audio Sitcom.

Very, very good.

It is indeed too wonderful cast wonderful cast and life with nat is also available wherever you get your podcast so go and listen to that thank you very much for listening to this week's off menu i'm so sorry james was such a horrible egg what the ending yes yeah horrible but at least she didn't say guinea fowler yes she didn't say guinea fowler and i was worried for a second there yeah I wasn't.

Well, do you think that would have been on the cheese?

If that was on the cheeseboard, I would have loved it.

Oh, we're going to pop a whole guinea fowl on it.

She said, also, do you know what?

I'm feeling flush.

put a guinea fowl on there?

Yeah.

I'd have been like ha ha you fell for the oldest trick in the book.

Why would she be feeling flush and put a guinea foul on?

I don't know isn't that something people in extenders say feeling flush.

Do you mean like got a bit of money knocking around?

Yeah.

Or do you mean like they've gone red?

I thought it was got a bit of money knocking on.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Do you mean feeling flash?

Oh is that what it means?

That's that what the thing is.

No, I think feeling flush could be you've got a bit of money knocking around.

Yeah.

But why would that have...

She's like, oh yeah, let's splash out on the guinea fowl splash out on a guinea fowl put it on the cheese board yeah it's like an option on the menu yeah extra tenor and

put a guinea foul on the cheese board for you that's a fucking weird restaurant yeah oh hey this is a crazy restaurant man well thank you so much to natalie for coming on we will see you next week what to natalie are you saying that to natalie because we won't see her next week no no no we will never see you ever again no i think we can

we get her back on uh to chat about cheese some more because

whenever people bake a cheese board you have your tantrum and then i don't even get to talk to people about cheese properly well why don't you do that as a spin-off series just you yeah and all the people who chose cheese boards yeah talking about cheese boards really in depth you can do that yeah oh i won't i won't stand in your way we'll add it to our patreon oh yeah make sure you sign it to the patreon and we love all our patrons thank you to our patrons there isn't a patreon yet yet

yeah never say never never say never but one of the additional things will be the cheese board files there'll be the cheese board files and also multiple chances to win signed chopping boards by the great Benito.

Just let us know if you've received your ones from the fruit salad competition because we're a bit worried that those haven't got to people.

We're a bit worried that Benito lost track of when the fruit salad, how many things were in the fruit salad, when the fruit salad was over.

We're a bit worried Benito lost track of that.

Yeah, so make sure.

We get those fruit salad chopping boards out to the winners.

So just let us know if you've received one.

If no one lets us know, we'll assume that it's not been done properly and we'll get Benito to go through the emails again.

And if you've missed out on a chopping board, we're going to send you another chopping board.

Yeah, absolutely.

We'll send you another one for sure.

That says sorry.

That says sorry from the way Benito.

Thank you very much for listening.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

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