Ep 256: Hammed Animashaun

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

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Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted!

Winner, best score!

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Winner, best book!

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It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the halloumi of conversation, chopping it up into the fries of friendship, dipping it in the egg of humor, using the breadcrumbs of the internet, and deep-frying in the oil of content.

It's halloumy fries, James.

I don't think content has made an appearance.

No, it hasn't.

And I was really panicking to work out what the oil would be.

And I've got good content.

And I suppose this is content in a way.

We're finding people who provide content.

Yes,

in the way that modern content is just something, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, this is a historic day.

So anyone listening to this, make sure you post congratulations to the Off Menu Podcast for finally producing content.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Castle.

Together, we own a dream restaurant.

And every single week, we invite in a guest.

We ask them their favourite ever star and main course dessert, cider, shit, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Hamid Anna Mashon.

Hamed Anna Mashon is a wonderful actor, a hugely incredible comic actor.

I mean, I've recommended this show to you.

Black Ops that he's in.

It's had one series on the BBC.

Him and the rest of the cast are so, so funny.

The script is watertight.

It is a genuinely exciting action comedy.

And it's made me laugh probably more than any other sitcom in the last five years.

I loved it.

Not only is he killing it on the screen, also on the stage at the minute in Kiss Me Kate.

Yes, he's in the hit musical comedy, Kiss Me Kate, a new production of that at the Barbican Theatre.

It's already started, but it is on until the 14th of September.

Also starring Adrian Dunbar, Nigel Lindsay, Stephanie J.

Block.

Do go and see that.

I'm sure it's going to be absolutely wonderful.

And you can get tickets from kissmekatemusical.com.

Very exciting.

However, listen, as always on this podcast, if Hamed chooses the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the Dream Rest.

Yeah, it'd be less a case of kiss me, Kate, or it'd be more like, don't kiss me, Hamed.

Kick me, Kate.

Kick me out.

Kick me out.

No, not kick me out, Hamed, because he didn't kick me out.

And this week, the secret ingredient is tamarind.

Tamarind.

Now, I don't agree with this, but this was suggested to us by an audience member on the tour in Manchester.

We obviously rejected it out of hand in Manchester because tamarind tamarind is a wonderful thing.

It's sweet, it's sour, it adds a lot to every single dish that it's in.

You know, I normally have it in paste form.

You know, I have it in paste form, but obviously, it's like a foot.

Normally, it's like a what?

Foot.

I've never heard you say it like that.

You're not.

I tell you what it is.

I've been on tour with Chloe Petts, and we speak to each other in the car by every time that we like our words and we like saying it like that.

So you were bringing part of your tour.

Yes.

Tour persona.

Yeah, fruit.

It's not just you and you.

Yeah.

I believe that excuse as well because it was too pronounced.

Yeah.

Too pronounced.

To be a complete accident.

Just, yeah, easily rolls off the tongue and it's root.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it is.

It is a lovely.

I mean, that's just my voice, fruit.

But

so we wouldn't choose this.

But whoever it was in Manchester.

And you know who you are.

Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself.

So, you know, make sure you claim responsibility for this.

And Benito will send you a signed chopping board.

yes so you know nothing we can do about it now the secret ingredient is tamerind yes

which is very exciting should we should we get to it Ed yes this is the off menu menu of Hamid Animashon

welcome Hamed to the dream restaurant

Welcome, Hamid Animashon to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thanks, man.

Thanks for having me.

I appreciate it.

You are most welcome.

So we're obviously in the dream restaurant here.

So, you know, it can be any restaurant that you want it to be.

Cool.

How do you think it looks in your mind?

If you're walking into the dream restaurant, what do you reckon it looks like?

Yeah, dream restaurant for me is always quite homey.

Yeah.

So like couches and sofas and stuff.

Nice.

And like armchairs.

Yeah.

And trays instead of tables.

So that family stuff.

Which you rarely get in an actual restaurant.

Yeah, look.

When you think about it,

imagine walking into an actual restaurant and there's an armchair there and they bring it you on a tray.

That would be amazing.

It'd would have to be called trays, the restaurant.

You really got to give people a heads up for that if it's a restaurant.

I'd like that though.

I think that's quite cool.

Yeah.

I think that's quite.

I think that'd be advised.

I'm all about chilling.

Yeah.

I definitely have to wear dark coloured clothing.

Yeah.

Because

crocs.

Yeah, and crocs, yeah.

Because

I'm spilling stuff immediately.

If I'm all hunched up on it on a tray, it's going straight down my front.

Oh, yeah.

I've never been good at eating with the tray on my lap.

The worst is the plate on your lap.

If there's no trays available.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or you go to barbecues and you've got paper plates and you've got to sit there like that.

Yeah.

It needs to go well, yeah.

Or being at a barbecue and everyone's standing up and you've got a paper plate and then you're trying to fork something holding onto a paper plate and it just bends and everything slides off.

Falls off, yeah.

Yeah.

Try and cut it to that hard chicken.

It's not the worst.

When I was starting out in stand-up, I'd start we started out at the same time as Josh Whitticomb.

Yeah.

And Josh and I would try and write routines together.

And one of the routines we tried to make work and we could never make work and both of of us tried it in our set, was a routine about laps and how the lap is the only part of the body that only exists when you're sitting down.

I mean,

it's a good observation, but also, where do you go from that?

Where do you go from there?

Well, we tried all sorts of things.

Obviously, the classic act out of sitting down, then standing up and going, Where the hell's my lap gone?

That's funny, man.

Yeah,

bring it back.

Bring it back.

Yeah, bring it back.

Laps could work these days.

Yeah, yeah.

If you don't do it, Hammond's going to do it.

It's going to be in the next series of Black Ops.

Yeah.

Put it in Black Ops.

It'd be an honour.

Yeah, I'll give you a credit.

I feel like your character in that show would say something like that.

Probably.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

He would say stuff like that 100%.

In the middle of like a high-speed chase or something or a life-space.

In the middle of a fight or something.

He was about to get shot.

And he would say, oh, think about laps.

I do like that we got that.

I don't think we've talked about the trays on the laps before.

No.

And especially if we do make that the dream restaurant, that's going to be quite a unique episode.

Yeah.

I think that's great.

I think that's really nice.

What's the tray made of?

Plastic?

Metal?

No, it'll be recyclable plastic.

Yeah.

Just feeling for the environment.

We've got to take care of our planet, you know?

Yeah, shout out to the environment.

Shout out to the environment this episode.

Yeah.

Paper plates.

Yeah.

Wooden cutlery.

Bruh, this sounded more like a barbecue.

Before we do get into the menu, congratulations on Kiss Me Kate.

It's open to rave reviews.

It's going great.

How's it been?

It's been going really well.

It's kind of crazy when when you're on stage and you turn to your left or your right and you've got ted hastings stood next to you from line of duty but um

but no adrian is uh adrian dunbar who's in the show plays fred graham is um amazing and stephanie j block who plays lily vanessi who's come all the way from the us to this is a west end debut broadway legend yeah it's just it's great it's so much fun and as pete david said of the show he's played general uh and i uh not that one james

i was literally like i told you what

um and uh nigel lindsay who i play opposite with um we both play the gangsters so it's just really fun and an amazing ensemble amazing band we've got a 16-piece orchestra

yeah it's just great fun and it's with the barbican yeah it's an amazing theatre to be an audience member in because just because it looks like no other theatre as well when you arrive because it's all that brutalist architecture yeah yeah it doesn't feel like there could be such a beautiful performance space in there but it's an incredible place.

Yeah, I mean, I've always wanted to work there.

I think one of the first things I saw there, oh gosh, oh, it was Coriolanus.

Yeah.

And I remember thinking, oh, this would be a great place to perform in.

And so,

however many years later, I'm now on that stage.

It's kind of crazy.

But yeah, it's such a beautiful theater and such a great space.

And like in the middle of the city of London as well.

You wouldn't think that that space would be there.

Like you said,

you know, in the middle of an estate, but it is.

And it's, you know, it's amazing.

It's great.

Ever had a barbecue at the barbecue?

I don't think you're allowed to have barbecues at at the barbecue, but if I was allowed to have a barbecue at the barbecue, I would.

Are you a food fan?

Depends how hungry I am.

Is that a good answer?

Yeah, I mean,

you become a fan.

Yeah, it's an answer we don't really get very often because I think people say they're foodies or they're not foodies.

But you're saying when you're hungry, you're very interested in it.

But when you're not, you're like, can't stand stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't think about it.

I don't really think about it.

No, I think I am a bit of a foodie.

I don't know.

I think my wife is more of a foodie than I am.

Right.

But if I'm really hungry, then I'm like, oh, okay,

I want something that really tastes good.

So I want to really savor it and enjoy it.

And if I'm not, I was like, just get me a meal deal.

See, I think I'm the other way around.

If I'm really hungry, I'm just like, I've got to grab the first thing that's near me to deal with that situation.

Yeah, yeah.

And if I'm not very hungry, then I'll really think about what I want.

But

that's logical thinking.

Backwards like that.

I used to be obsessed with like, I mean, you're bringing out a lot of stories for me from the early comedy days.

I was at OpenSpot and M ⁇ S had this meal deal on and because it was in Sempanga, so I was coming from Caprin all the time.

I just get this meal deal.

It's like two quid,

very cheap for like these sandwiches and crisps.

And then you get a drink with it.

Thanks for explaining what a meal deal is.

No, no, no, but some meal deals.

They don't do that.

Well, actually, to be honest, you could sub the crisps for an item of fruit if you wanted to.

Yeah, for a fruit bag.

Yeah, you do that.

Yep.

Like a meal deal.

Yeah.

No, this was

M ⁇ S meal deal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm talking about.

And

you go and do it.

And the meal deal was great.

And then it ended eventually.

But then one day I went in and I got it anyway, even though it wasn't meal deal time.

And when I was in the queue,

I thought to myself,

I thought this is pretty old school what I'm doing now.

It's like fucking the meal deal days.

And then I made myself laugh.

And then when I was paying for it, I was laughing.

And I had to explain to the lady at the till why I was laughing.

She was like, it was anything funny.

I was like, I'm getting getting the meal deal.

It's not even meal deal time anymore.

And she was like, okay.

And didn't look impressed.

And it didn't do much for my confidence with an open spot.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you were trying to work out a bit about that, right?

Yeah, I was really, but that's what you do, especially when you're in an open spot.

You're trying to find what's funny.

And I was like, that's funny.

That's hilarious.

And I was like, if she doesn't get it and she works in M ⁇ S.

Yeah, then, yeah, then you're kind of, yeah, I get that.

Yeah, yeah, it's sad.

Do you have a standard go-to meal deal that you might get?

A standard go-to.

Yeah, plowman's, cheese and onion, Chris, and a bottle of still water.

Nice.

Well, that might answer our first question there.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Is it still water over sparkling for you?

Every time, always.

I can't stand sparkling water.

Why can't you stand sparkling water?

Like sparkling water, people who have hidden agendas.

Yeah.

Yeah, fair enough.

I don't know, man.

I don't know how you can drink that stuff.

Well, I'm actually drinking a can of liquid death sparkling for that.

I saw that and I was like watching my back just to see if that was going to try and scare me or something.

Because I've got a hidden agenda.

Yeah, I don't know.

I can't really trust people who drink sparkling water.

It's not normal for me.

It's just Benito's run out of still cans of liquid death.

So I thought I'd have a sparkling to treat myself.

But apparently it shows I've got a hidden side.

That's just my wicked prince.

No, no,

don't, don't let him gaslight you.

I think you're right.

Has it ever changed your opinion on someone?

You've been hanging out with someone, getting on with with them, and then they order sparkling.

I stopped talking to someone when I saw them drinking sparkling water one time.

I was much younger then, and I didn't have a filter.

I was chatting to someone and I was like, oh, watching me, like, and then they said sparkling water.

And I was like, I'm just going to go to the toilet.

I'll be right back.

I never came back.

You never came out from the toilet?

No, no, no.

What was the context of you hanging out with them?

No, it was just, you know, it was just hanging out.

Wasn't there?

No, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't a day.

We were just chatting.

But I was much younger then.

I was probably like, well, I don't know, 18 or 19.

Yeah.

It was like, oh, you know, what did you like?

She said, sparkling water.

Because if you drink sparkling water, that's just like

a red flag.

Yeah, carbonated water.

Yeah.

It doesn't sound right, does it?

No.

It's just, no.

You've got a hidden agenda.

Yeah, I've got a hidden agenda.

I can put my finger on it now.

I've got to go to the toilet.

We'll be back in a minute.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, but I'll do a bit that I'm going to go and leave.

Oh, right.

Oh,

Ahmed did.

Just to give you the background on this, Ahmed.

Yeah.

James also regularly has to go to the toilet during podcasts.

Cool.

Yeah.

So then he's gone to the toilet loads before you arrive.

Yeah.

So when he was doing the bit then, it was a good bit, but unfortunately, I thought you meant you were going to go to the toilet.

I was doing a callback to you leaving the person.

But Ed was like, James, you've been for five pisses before having got here.

And now we haven't even got to the starter.

And you just said I need to go to the toilet.

Because I delivered it so convincingly.

Yeah.

As an actor, what did you think of my delivery then?

I thought it was brilliant.

Because that made Ed believe it.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

I thought it was fantastic.

Yeah.

Well, no, I didn't believe it.

I thought you were talking about something else.

So if anything, your clarity was dreadful.

I didn't get the intention of what you meant, which is sort of surely the basis of acting.

That's what actor's all about, man.

It's all about interpretation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, you've got to be as ambiguous as you can in every single sentence you say.

Can do.

Absolutely.

I've been misunderstood for years.

Pop loves our bread pop logs or bread hamadana bouchon pop loads of bread bread

now you say thank you for pamming my delivery no exactly it means a lot because sometimes people talk back to me very chilled and i feel like i've gone overboard

any particular type of bread sourdough bread yeah yeah yeah white sourdough breads i'm still on the sour i'm still on the sourdough train a lot of people are turning against sourdough these days is it yeah and i don't know why they're saying it's too hard maybe it's just because you can find it in more places now.

But yeah.

To me, that's a great thing.

I love sourdough.

Sourdough bread is really nice.

It's really tasty.

People complain when

it's everywhere.

Yeah.

If you're not a fan, if it's not your favorite one, then when it says where it does, you're heading, where it didn't used to before.

You know, it's like Michael McIntyre.

Like, loads of people for Aders were like, yeah, he's pretty funny.

But then when he was everywhere, I was like, I fucking hate McIntyre.

Well, actually, they don't really hate him.

He's just everywhere.

Yeah, just everywhere.

Yeah.

Because he's funny.

Sourdough.

He is.

He's like sourdough.

He's like sourdough bread.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Damn.

Delicious with avocados on.

Michael McIntyre is delicious with avocados.

That is true.

Is there a particular place that you get sourdough bread from that you absolutely love?

Sainsbury's.

Yeah.

Yeah, they do great sourdough breads.

I've been there.

Sainsbury's.

Yeah, yeah.

It's good, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Now, you know, James, at Sainsbury's, you could probably get a sandwich, a drink and some crisps.

I mean, that's a meal dealer at Sainsbury's.

Whoa, it's a Sainsbury's meal deal.

Yeah.

But it's not too good.

I mean, I don't know if you got that right.

I think you should Google that because that sounds like the M ⁇ S meal deal.

Maybe the S in the M ⁇ S stands for Sainsweek's meal.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe, maybe.

How do you want the sourdough like...

Warm with butter?

Yeah.

Salted.

Salted butter.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you feel about unsalted butter?

Again,

it's fine if you're baking a cake, but why are you putting that on your bread?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

What if someone's got unsalted butter and sparks and water on the go?

I'm out.

You're out.

Come out, man.

Even now, at this age, you're not 18 or 19 anymore.

You're walking out of the room if there's unsalted butter.

Well, I'll ask questions.

Yeah.

So, like, if

I'm sat at a table and I see sparkling water and unsalted butter with sourdough bread, and the bread's not even warm or toasted, then I'm like, okay.

So, what are you doing with the

butter?

I'm just going to spread it on the bread.

Oh,

you're going to drink that water too?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I love sparkling water.

Oh,

Scott, make a quick phone call.

I'll be right back.

So I said, are you just going to leave the room?

And you said, no, I'm going to ask questions.

But the questions are, is that that?

And then you're just leaving.

Yeah, but if I ask questions, the answers are wrong.

I'm out.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But I don't see what other answers they would have, right?

Because if it's there.

No, because they could probably be like, oh, no, the butter's for a cake I'm baking.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what situation this is.

But you're sat at a table with someone.

They're like, No, that's for a cake I'm baking.

It's okay, I'm baking

the sparkling water.

I'm cleaning something with it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah,

yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, that's all right.

So you get it, you get it straight, and then you leave.

Yeah, yeah.

If it's like, oh, I'm using this as a cleaning agent, then I'm like, if I'm using the sparkling water as a cleaning agent, I'm at a cool.

How is that not a red flag to you?

That would worry me if someone was like, yeah, the sparkling water, I'm using it as a cleaning agent.

Yeah, because I know you're not going to drink it.

You're going to use it to clean the dishes or you're going to use it to

spit shine the glasses or something like you do that mean like shine the glasses with sparkling water you're gonna bake a cake with the unsalted butter yeah yeah do you know what i mean it's like oh okay cool fine what if they said they were gonna bake a cake with the unsalted butter and then use the sparkling water to clean the cake to clean the cake yeah as it like just give it a little dash of yeah they're gonna clean the cake with the sparkling water that's fine yeah you've got to drink it

when you when you say to them i've just got to go and make a phone call is it completely a lie?

Or are you going to go and phone maybe the police or like someone?

No, no, it's mainly.

It's a lie.

It's a lie.

I don't think it worries the police.

Well, next time, you can ring us.

I'll try.

Yeah.

And just let us know.

Do you know what?

I will do that.

I will do that.

I'll ring you, man.

And then I'm probably not ringing you because you drink sparking.

Yeah, don't trust Ed.

I'll be at home having a bath, innit?

Yeah.

Your dream starter.

Or, okay, yeah.

So my dream start would be chili salted corn ribs.

Oh, yeah.

Lovely.

Love corn ribs.

When did corn ribs first come into your life?

Mate, I tried it a couple of years ago with my, me and my wife went out for dinner and we saw it on the menu, corn ribs.

And we were like, corn ribs?

When did that ever come into...

How is that a thing?

Yeah, let's give it a go.

Mate, we...

Yeah.

It's so good.

Delicious.

They're incredible.

I think I might have had them for the first time at, there's a restaurant called Fallow in London and had them there.

And then I think suddenly they're everywhere as well.

I think they started doing them at like Oaxaca or something as well.

But

you've tried to make them, right?

I've made them loads.

Yeah.

And I love making them.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to have to chop up a cob.

Chopping up the cob is hard.

I will admit.

Yeah.

But yeah, I've got a good technique now of how to do it.

Yeah.

I'll get through them a lot quicker.

The first time, anyone listening.

If you're planning on chopping up some cobs, the first time,

you might just be careful because it's very easy easy to just like end up with a knife in yourself in your belly really because it that's like chopping board height and then when the when the cob disappears from underneath the knife yeah so just just take it slow but now i'm all over that it's great and then and and that you they make them really quickly toss them in a bowl with all the whatever you want chili salt in these case yeah delicious love it so good so good and you can pretend like what what when it says corn ribs what creature do you imagine it's the the ribs have come from?

I've imagined Jolly Green Giant.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

It's quite small ribs for the Jolly Green Giant.

Yeah, he's got a lot of them.

Oh, is that what you imagine you're eating?

Yeah, yeah.

Jolly Green Giant's ribs.

Someone's killed him.

Yeah, yeah.

Caught him and killed him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I'm eating his ribs now.

Do you imagine that they're from a creature?

No, I've never thought of it that way.

No weird.

It's weird, actually.

Well, yeah, it's the only creature I can think of who would have sweet corn ribs is the Jolly Green Giant.

Yeah, that's true, actually, yeah.

I hear that.

I think he would definitely have sweet corn ribs.

and maybe a cornless cob as a penis.

A cornless cob.

Yeah, so all the corn would be off of it.

I think,

yeah, I can't imagine him having

a corn on the cob penis, but I can imagine him just having a cob penis.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, if he had a corn on the cob penis, he probably had to see someone.

Yeah, yeah.

He would.

Nobody wants a corny penis.

No one wants that.

No, because no one's...

Penis is made up of the same thing as their ribs are.

Yeah, that would be mad.

That would be crazy.

Yeah, if your ribs and your penis are the same, then see a doctor.

That's actually a very important message for anyone listening.

I heard that the Jolly Green Giants had one of his corn ribs taken out so he can suck himself off.

That's why there's no corn on the cop.

He had to go around it sideways, though.

He knows what he likes.

Where did you have these corn ribs for the first time, Armin?

I think it was Waxaka.

Yeah.

And chili salt is your preferred.

When you said chili salt, because you led with that, I was like, this could be a number of things.

I'm excited immediately.

There's loads of anything that's chili salt.

Yeah.

Squid.

I had chili salt cauliflower the other day.

It's always, always a winner.

The other day, because I'm on tour at the moment,

we got Nando's and bought peri salt, ordered peri salt on Deliveroo.

They'd send you a jar.

So that just comes everywhere with us now.

I put it on any.

Do they really?

Yeah, well, I mean, you have to pay for it, but like, because they'll send sachets of sauces, but sometimes they forget.

So if I'll have to order the sauce, but then they sell you a bottle of sauce, basically.

So I just take around a bottle of sauce and now we've got Perry salt.

Basically, the whole car is just seasonings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Our friend John Robbins carries around like a full jiffy bag of condiments and stuff with him all the time that he's taken from hotels and whatever.

Have you ever done anything like that?

I don't carry condiments around with me, but in my main places that I go to, there are condiments there, if that makes sense.

So I've got like bases.

You've got like stashes of condiments.

Yeah, I've got condiment bases.

So I've got a whole bunch at the barbican, obviously, at some at home, at my mum's, like a little corner where I've got all my special ones there.

Actually, no one doesn't even know it's there.

Just like all my like bases.

Like I've got my special condiments there.

Take us through what's in the different bases.

Okay, so at the barbecue, in my dressing room, I have, obviously, you've got to have ketchup.

But then I do have pearnise.

Nice, nice.

Just to mix things up a bit.

Yeah.

Do you know what I'm saying?

So I don't have like mayonnaise, pearnise.

Yeah, yeah.

Then I've got the chili salt.

Then I've got garlic powder.

And I've got hot sauce.

Wow.

Delicious.

And

are the other cast members allowed to touch your condiment bars?

Well, they don't know about this until you're

done.

They're just going to have to knock on my door if they want some.

Dunbar's going to be all over that chili salt.

Yeah.

Don't leave Pete Davidson about that stuff.

No, no, no.

I won't die.

I won't.

I won't.

I can't be trusted.

No, I won't.

You cannot be trusted that man.

What kind of hot sauce is it?

It's the Scotch Bonnet hot sauce.

How close to going on stage would you have Scotch Bonnet a hot sauce?

Yeah, I'll bap, bap, and then go on.

Bap, bap, go on.

Yeah, yeah.

You wouldn't risk sort of overdoing it and then go on and...

I mean,

for instance, me personally, if I overdo it on the spice, I get the hiccups.

Oh.

No, no, I'd do it and then go straight on.

Yeah.

Like a shot.

Yeah.

Just to really get yourself fucked up.

Yeah.

Bounce on.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone goes, I think I would done a shot of hot sauce before this one.

He's absolutely raging.

Nothing compared to what Pete Davidson's just done.

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Main course.

Main course.

Okay, I want to switch it up a bit.

Beef Wellington.

Oh, yes.

Another rare, a rare appearance for Beef Wellington, I think.

It is.

Beef Wellington with potato mash and tender stem broccoli.

Nice.

Talk us through why Beef Wellington.

Well, I started re-watching Hell's Kitchen

on YouTube.

I think you're the first person to ever do that.

No, hello.

You're re-watching Hell's

me watching it.

I'm watching it for the first time, but on YouTube.

Yeah.

In clips.

Yeah.

I'm re-watching Hell's Kitchen.

And it's the best bit of television.

Yeah.

It's just brilliant.

The early seasons of Gordon Ramsey in that kitchen.

Yeah.

Man, I feel so funny.

The UK one or the American one?

American one's much better.

Yeah.

Sorry, actually, I think I'm watching Kitchen Nightmares.

Kitchen Nightmares is good as well.

Kitchen Nightmares is good.

Have you seen the one when you went to the Mafia restaurant?

I don't think I did see that.

Oh, that one's brilliant.

I'm going to watch it later.

I'm screaming at a mafia member that your restaurant shit

i was like we have he's in the middle of new jersey yeah and he's going to an italian restaurant and the guy who runs it is part of the mafia but he's like he says he's not but he is yeah yeah yeah and then gorder's like your restaurant shit

and then the guy's like

oh no you don't say that to a member of the mafia

i think ramsey's probably the only person who could get get away with it right oh yeah yeah absolutely they've invited him to come to come do their restaurant as a kitchen nightmare yeah yeah i wanted to see how that continued off camera yes if he if he kept up that attitude or if he was like sorry mate you understand it's just for the cameras right

i mean i wouldn't be surprised but yeah what was the problem with the restaurant was there like like all the pots had like cash in them and no he just the food No, I think it was just the fact that the food was just not great.

Yeah.

And also because the food wasn't great, he kept giving away free stuff, right?

So, like, people would complain, like, oh, my chicken's not cooked,

and then you'd be like, Oh, well, have this free bottle of champagne on that?

Or, like, it's on me.

So, every time someone came up, there's a hair in my pasta, it's on me, have a free bottle of champagne.

He was just giving away free food and drinks.

I mean, it was probably a front anyway, to be honest.

It was probably a money laundering operation.

Yeah,

great if Ramsey had uncovered that.

Yeah, and it was like, I suppose it just became its own documentary about like Ramsey completely rumping the entire mafia in New Jersey.

So this is exciting because we've done our dream menus on this podcast before and both times I chose Beef Wellington as my main course.

Really?

Yeah.

I think I'm the only person who's chose it until now.

Yeah, I think so.

So I'm glad that I've got a fellow Wellington head.

So you've been re-watching Hell's Kitchen.

Yeah.

And it pops up on there.

All the time.

Yeah.

Because he sells that a lot.

I was just like, oh, I became obsessed with Beef Wellington.

So I'm going to attempt to try and make one for Christmas.

Oh, wow.

I'm going to start practicing relatively soon.

How many practice runs do you think you'll do at it before Christmas?

Because I'm going to need a few.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not easy.

It's quite hard.

What are the things that you've got in your head of like the key things you've got to get right in that?

Well, you've got to get the right cut of beef.

Yeah.

If you don't do that, then you're fucked, isn't it?

And then the pastry.

Yeah.

Right.

And then the mushroom.

Oh, what do you call it?

Source.

Duxel.

That's it.

What?

Duxelle.

Duxel.

Duxelle.

The mushroom design which you gotta like grind but obviously not into a sauce but like into like the the minuscule of pieces yeah that goes over the beef and then the what do you call it the ham yeah yeah the prosciutto prosciutto and yeah it's it's a thing there's a lot there's a lot going on in there but it is fantastic you can get it right if you get it right christmas day you're gonna be a hero mate when you cut through a beef wellington and it's like perfectly pink inside do you know what i mean if i don't get it right

you're gonna be king of christmas i mean

what are you making it for.

Your wife?

Yeah, it'll be my wife and then my family is my mum and my two brothers.

Who are you most worried about the reaction from?

Who do you want to impress the most?

My mum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And will your mum tell you if it's not up to scratch?

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she won't hold back.

So is that the one you want for your dream meal?

Do you want it to be the one you're going to make on Christmas?

Or do you want it to be one of Gordon Ramsay's ones?

I won't be my one.

Your one.

My one.

That's good.

Back yourself.

Yeah.

But that will be, and I say it now, it will will be as good, if not better, than Gordon Ramsey's one.

Well, you said it here first.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you going to do, you know, sometimes on Beef Wellington, they do the thing where they'll put another pastry-like little design on top of it.

Yeah, on top.

Yeah.

And you're going to do all of that.

Yeah, I want to do like the lattice, the latticing.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to try to do all that, all of that stuff.

And you want mash and tenderstem broccoli.

Yeah.

Any particular reason?

Is that what Gordon always goes with, or is this your?

I don't know if that's what he goes with, but I feel like that would be nice to go with

like a red wine gravery on gravy.

Do you know what what i mean yeah yeah something you know simple but not simple but you know what i mean yeah really complicated

you know what i learned today is that ed once ordered a tender stem broccoli from nando's and guess what showed up normal broccoli normal broccoli yeah nando's are failing

what what branch was it i can't remember i've been all over the place recently so i've got nando's in most towns in the uk yeah but it was a real shockhammer honestly like i would i was more shocked opening that than i would have been if I'd opened it up and there was a live rat in it.

Like, if there was a live rat, I would have been like, fuck, there's a rat in this box.

But you're expecting tenderstem and you get normal broccoli.

No, that's a good thing.

It blew my mind.

Yeah.

I mean, still ate it.

Yeah.

Still got to get my vitamins in, you know.

Yeah, it was still disrespectful, though.

You asked for a certain type of broccoli and they gave you just broccoli.

I'd be worried that I'd switch timelines.

Yeah.

If that happened, yeah.

I'd think, oh, fuck off.

Somewhere in between me ordering this and it arriving, I'll switch timelines because it's just that tiny bit different.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like everything everywhere all at once, but less sort of fun.

Yeah.

But with broccoli.

Yeah.

But the point wouldn't win an Oscar.

Yeah.

You never know.

Yeah.

You never know.

Anything's possible these days.

The film where the broccoli is different.

Yeah.

That's what it's called.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The film where the broccoli is different.

Yeah.

That's a great name.

So your dream side dish, is it going to be different to those ones?

Is it going to be an additional side dish to the ones you've got because that can be just your main course is I think that would be my main course would be like a side of um like a side salad

so what what's in the salad egg

wow

bleeding with egg wasn't expecting that no choke is not egg

so it'll be it'll be like a mango salad yeah right so you've got mango pomegranate uh lettuce, red onion with like a with like an olive oil dressing.

Nice.

So something quite fresh and fruity and a little bit sweet.

Yeah.

Because it's quite a rich main course, right?

And then you've got that to sort of like balance it a little bit.

Yeah, exactly.

I liked when we started with egg as well, to be honest.

Oh, yeah.

Neither of us thought, no, not in a salad.

But we did think odd place to start.

Start in the egg.

What else is going in this salad?

Where's the best place you've had, like a mango salad, like a really refreshing?

The Barbican, Bar and Grill.

They have a Kale salad.

It's called a a Kiss Me Kale salad.

They've named Salad After the Show.

After the show.

This is great.

It's a coincidence.

I'm plugging proper right now.

But they've got this amazing salad with like mango.

And it's just, yeah, it's great.

It's so nice.

If people did order the Kiss Me Kale salad and

kiss the kale.

Yeah.

And kissed the kale.

As in they get the salad and they kiss the kale.

But they pulled it out of the salad and then kissed it.

Yeah, or they leant down into the bowl and kissed it while it was still in the bowl.

While it was still in the bowl.

So it's up to to them yeah they can either pick up the bowl with both hands and bring it to their mouth and

get off like fully get off with the kale what tongue the kale yeah yeah or they can pick it or they can pick it out of the bowl and then kiss it and then tongue it and then tongue it

yeah yeah like would they be allowed to stay in the barbican do you think or like what's the policy there because technically that's not their fault it's called kiss me kale yeah i feel i feel like you've got to express your express yourself how you want to express yourself yeah i don't think you should be punished for that so if you want to tongue the kale then you absolutely should.

Yeah,

I think it's the kissing, I think, is fine.

I think when you said they get off with it, I think that's maybe the line.

Are they like shutting their eyes as well?

Yeah, yeah, and

unless they're kind of maybe mumbling like

words that hang on, like words like love, just the button.

I love it so much.

Is that what you do while you're kissing someone, Joe?

Yeah, I'll go, oh, baby,

yeah,

yeah

no that's cool i think it will only upset people who don't really like you know public displays of affection yeah but it's not your business if you want to tongue the kale then you

absolutely you should go and tongue the kale man yeah tell them tell it how you feel

so

going back to your salad though yeah so you got the mango the pomegranate the red onion yeah and

the lettuce.

What part are they of the Jolly Green Giant each?

Like what body part is each of those ingredients of the salad?

So the lettuce would be hair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Standard.

Red onion.

Go on.

Say what you feel.

Say what your heart is telling you.

Yeah, express yourself.

I would say, like, red onion would be like leg hair.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the lettuce would be hair on his head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Red onion would be like leg hair.

Yeah.

And then

pomegranates would be like, you know, like moles.

Yeah.

And then mango

would be his fingernails.

I love that.

You focused on extremities, which I wasn't expecting.

I wasn't expecting to go straight to leg hair.

That's.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's even more interesting than going straight to egg.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that.

I like the thought of the leg hair, especially.

Yeah.

red onion leg hair.

Yeah.

So his hair colour on his head is different to his leg hair colour.

Interesting.

Yeah, the curtains don't match the drapes with the jolly green giant.

No, he has red onion

yeah he's got red onion

yeah

yeah

that sounds that sounds delicious the jolly green giant is getting more and more tasty yeah as we go through the episode i mean it would be tough to give himself a with red onion that would sting yeah that is yeah it would shaving his legs crying yeah oh yeah That would be really bad.

The Jolly Green Giant.

He'd have to run his wrists under cold water first.

That's That's the secret.

Anyone who's worked in kitchens knows

what you're meant to do.

Is it run your wrists?

When your wrists under cold water.

I don't think anyone's going to win.

Is it really?

Then it works.

Yeah.

Means it draws all of the stuff that makes you cry that rises out of the onion.

It means it goes to your wrists instead.

So if you start crying after you've done that, you know that there's another emotional problem that you've got to deal with.

Yeah, or there's a second onion somewhere.

Or there's a certain onion that's been chopped somewhere.

Secret onion.

Your dream drink?

Oh, Guinness.

Yes, please.

I love Guinness.

I love Guinness.

Always lovely to welcome another guest to the exclusive list of Guinness Club members.

Yeah.

Yes.

Do you have a certain way that you like...

Are you a...

very particular Guinness drinker who's like, it has to be poured like this, has to sit for this long, you've got to draw this in the foam.

Yeah, no, you don't need to draw it in the foam.

But you need to pour it properly.

Otherwise, I do get a bit upset.

And what is the proper way to pour it?

Well, you just got to, you know,

listen, with Guinness, you've got to take your time.

It's a salty drink.

You know what I mean?

You can't just, it's not one, bam, thank you, ma'am.

You know what I'm saying?

You've got to take your time when you pour it.

And then you've got to let it settle.

Yeah.

You can't just drink it straight away.

This is not, you know, it's just not the Grand Prix.

This is not a hot sauce before you get on stage.

No, it's really.

This isn't Bat Bap Go on, is it?

It's not a 100 meter race.

It's not a 100-meter race.

It's a marathon.

You got to let it settle.

You've got to get into the groove.

Let it get into the groove.

Yeah.

And then once you know it's ready, you know it's ready.

Also, it's beautiful to watch, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really nice to see it just see it rise and then transform.

Do you remember when you first started having Guinness?

I remember the first time I ever had one and I was sick.

Yeah.

Wow.

It's amazing that you still like it.

No, but you know what?

It was, my taste bad's changed.

But I think I was 18 and I was in Manchester.

I was doing a play in Manchester.

And I really wanted to try one.

So I ordered one.

And I remember I took my first sip and I just went, oh,

and I ran to the toilet.

Hang on.

I thought you meant you had like loads of pints of it.

So it was the sip.

And I never drank it again.

I never drank it again until maybe 10 years later.

So I had such a bad experience of it.

And I was like, no, I can't not.

And also, there was a point where I was having a conversation with my mate.

And he was like, you know, taste buds change.

And I was like, oh, all right, whatever you say.

And I was like, no, you got to, you got to try again, try again.

And I got one.

And I was like, ooh.

And I think I had like way too many.

He was like, oh, this is the best drink ever.

That was all I drink.

No, that and

an old-fashioned.

So if I had to pick a cocktail, it would be an old-fashioned.

Yeah.

And like a drink would be a Guinness.

Looking right down the street.

The cocktail after the meal, if you like.

Oh, yeah.

So

I have a Guinness and then after that Guinness, I have that old-fashioned.

Yeah.

I know what, because I know James so well, I know that he'll want to know more about your friend who told you the taste buds change.

Yes.

What's his name?

His name is Cordell.

Cordell.

Yeah.

And is that the sort of thing he says quite a lot where he'll just like give you a fact and say taste buds change and things like that?

Conventional dates.

No, it was just, it was like, I think we were, I think he was having olives or something.

And I remember, you know, like olives.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, you eat olives.

He's like, you know, taste buds change.

And I was like, what?

The way he tastes things, it changes.

I was like, oh, okay.

Does that mean, do you think you're going to enjoy sparkling water at some point in your life?

I've never enjoyed sparkling water because sparkling water is.

Call up.

Caudell right now, he'll tell you to change.

Sparkling water is his own thing.

But you used to think that about Guinness.

It made you sick.

No, no.

It's different.

It's different.

See, we're not convincing you of it because we're not Caudell.

But I think he can.

I follow the Cordell principle.

I don't think he'll be able to convince me either.

As much as I love him, I don't think he'll be able to convince me either.

Convincing sort of.

Sparkling water is the...

He's the devil, man.

Yeah.

um is he older older than you younger than you he's older than me how long you know him for oh since we were since 10.

do you remember when you first met cordell yeah at school it was i think it was one of my one of my first days in school secondary school when we met and i remember thinking oh he's really cool i know he turned out he turned to be one of like the most popular kids in school and i was just like in the background i wasn't very popular back then and then we became friends like randomly as we we got older.

I think

around year eight or year nine, we started hanging out a bit more.

Yeah, and then we just became super close.

And we're also in a steel band together.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah.

There's three of us, me, Cordell, Vivian.

We're all in a steel band together.

What's the name of the steel band?

Metronome Steel Orchestra.

They're based in Labbert Grove, Westmore Park.

Great.

Yeah.

So they'll be at Nottinghill Carnival this year.

So

make sure to check them out.

I used to live at Labbert Grove.

Oh, yeah.

And I'd go to Edinburgh for the festival in August.

Yeah.

And then often get back.

Like, I'd miss the carnival by a couple of days.

And I got back one year, like the day after the carnival.

And the guy who drove me from the station had to drop me off a long way from my house because there was a lot of debris around.

And I was wheeling a massive wheelie suitcase through the

cans of red strips.

Plastic cups.

It was a long journey.

I'm really sorry about that.

This is why me and my mates protest it every year.

Well, I love Cordell, obviously.

Thanks.

Love the sound of him.

Love the sound of the steel band as well.

I was in a cafe yesterday and they started playing the, you know, the steel band cover of motherfucking PAMP song.

What?

From

Anatomy of a Fool.

They started playing that.

It's not cafe music.

In a cafe.

And I said, yeah, well, I said to my girlfriend, I said, what the fuck are they doing?

And I was sitting next to the window

i was like turn this on

sitting opposite my girlfriend the windows open love the sound of the guinness love can cordell please be there for you drinking the guinness at least like for a little bit yeah yeah yeah

during the dream meal do you uh when you have a pint of guinness do you split the g Do you know this?

No, what's that?

I think it's relatively recent.

I mean, I only hear about it now when people, their first sip,

they have to...

Well, some people say they either get it right down down halfway where the g is so split the g

or get it in between the um i think the logo and the and the writing

i don't see the point because you have to take a really big first sip yeah yeah yeah but i do quite like that i do take quite a big sip my first sip is quite big yeah yeah how big would you say like not nearly halfway but that's a massive first sip

yeah i love it well i'm a big sipper as well aren't i he's a big sipper you ain't never seen nothing like it

you you'd think like someone's done some sort of magic trick because it looks like he's taking a tiny sip, but he doesn't like you know really go for it like somebody's showing off, yeah.

You know, he just like has a little gentleman sip and then he puts it down, and you're like, Where's your drink?

Where's your drink gone?

What's happened?

Especially with Guinness as well, though, because there is something about having that massive first sip, and you're like, Oh, I'm drinking Guinness, yeah, especially after like a long day as well.

I usually have one man, I want one.

I like to have one like right at the end of the week, yeah, after an eight-show week.

It's just like, Oh, I bet, I bet.

What about a 10 to one on a Monday?

That That also works as well.

Yeah, it's a nice one in there.

That is good.

Does it have one now?

You go for a Guinness later.

Let's go for a Guinness now.

But people can guess what your dessert is.

Go for a Guinness.

Just get Cordell on the phone.

Get him on Facebook.

Just text him.

Taste Bud's Change.

He'll know what you mean.

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Do you like desserts?

I'm not a big dessert person.

But I do have a big dessert.

Let's hear it.

It's very simple.

Apple pie and custard.

Food glorious food.

Yeah.

I don't think that it is apple pie and custard, is it?

No, I don't think it is.

Hang on.

What is it?

You're in the bits.

You're in the stage bits.

You're in the theatre bits.

I don't know what it is.

It's food glorious food.

Hot sausage and mustard.

Yeah.

Food glorious.

Cold jelly and custard.

Cold jelly and custard.

I think it's jelly.

Have you ever been in a production of Oliver?

No, never.

Clearly.

I thought I should know all the words of Oliver.

I've been in a production of Oliver, but I wasn't one of the kids, so I wasn't one of the workhouse kids, so you don't sing it.

Who did you play?

Charlotte, the undertaker's daughter.

What?

I did it.

It was at boys' school.

What are we supposed to do?

Yeah, yeah.

It was a boys' school.

I had a blonde ringlit wig.

Marcus Mumford was the artful Dodger.

That's wicked.

Yeah.

Marcus Mumford was the artful Dodger.

Yeah, ask me who played all the adult parts.

Bill Sykes, Nancy,

Fagan oh our teachers oh okay yeah they took those parts yeah yeah of course yeah yeah yeah I played Charlotte the Underkeepers daughter Underkeepers yeah Undertaker is that an actual character in the show it is now was it a created one was it created I don't know I she wasn't in the film I know

google Charlotte the Undertaker's daughter

Oliver so I remember one of my lines I had to flirt with Noah who was played by my friend Henry and I said oh Noah you are a one like that yeah I got a big laugh.

Yeah.

And that's when I knew I wanted to be an Undertaker's daughter.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Were you in any school musicals?

No, none.

School plays?

None.

You didn't do any of that?

No.

When did you start acting?

I was probably about 16 or 17 when I started.

I mean, I was in a school talent show.

So we didn't do plays or anything like that.

It was like school talent shows.

What was your talent in the school talent show?

Oh, shit.

You're really hoping no one was going to ask that.

Yeah.

So

I was like a dance troupe.

So we did like dance numbers.

That's all right.

That's all you're willing to tell us.

It was a dance piece.

Yeah.

So

we'll have to know more though, because it feels like there's more clearly that clearly it's an embarrassing song.

No, it wasn't.

It was like a mega mix of songs

that I did in school, which was really fun.

Okay.

And

did it twice.

And

it was fun.

But what are you not telling us, Harry?

We are absolute wolves, mate.

If you think you're going to move on from this story.

No, do you know what?

Because it was such a long time ago.

When I think back on it, I was just like, wow, I can't believe I did that.

Do you know what I mean?

I was only like 16, 15 or whatever.

But

no, no, it was like a mega mix.

It was like a mega mix of like all these these different songs and then we did like this choreography and it was it was back then yeah

it was funny i don't feel like you've given a satisfactory answer because we're like tell us more and you've said yes it was back then

do you know what is because i don't dance

because i don't dance anymore yeah so it's just like when i watch it back because you can watch it we can we could watch it no no no i can all right it's not on youtube or anything no no

sure yeah Sure, it's not on YouTube?

No, you can't find it.

When I watch it back, it's just nice memories.

It doesn't seem like they're nice memories.

It seems like you're really embarrassed by it.

No, no, no.

I'm not embarrassed.

Maybe I am.

But it's just, yeah.

It's like when you try to watch...

Yeah.

I love watching that production of Oliver Back.

Do you have a video of it?

I've got a video of it.

My mum's got a video of it.

Well, obviously, I'm going to...

have to see that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can't watch.

I can't watch.

Do you know what it is?

I feel like it's a weird actor thing i hate watching myself back yeah and i think that's what it is it's like when i watch it i'm like i just can't watch it if that makes sense does that and that still goes for everything everything now everything i've done i can't watch back yeah i mean i can that's a shame you're missing out on black ops it's very good no i've seen black ops yeah uh but it's just weird watching yourself back because he's like oh is that what i first of all is that is that what i look like is that what i sound like oh i sound like that and i look like that

but i yeah i totally understand that i can't watch myself do comedy, really.

And even if I walk past like a highly polished window, I'm like, is that how I walk?

The worst posture I've ever seen in my life.

That's what I did before.

I knocked it.

I was like, oh no.

Yeah, but if you tried walking with good posture, you look mad.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, as you walk along naturally, it looks all hunched over.

And then I'll actively walk down the street and try and have good posture.

I look like a twat.

Yeah, it looks like something's wrong with you.

Yeah.

Whenever you see someone walking with really good posture, just like, what's you don't trust them, is it?

No.

Yeah.

Sparkling water people.

Exactly.

Was Cordell in the dance troop?

Yeah.

Too late.

Let's get into this apple pie.

Is it a particular apple pie?

Yeah, Mr.

Kipling's.

I don't think.

Have those people chosen Kipling before?

He's definitely come up now and again.

He's come up.

Kipling, yeah.

When you imagine Mr.

Kipling, what do you imagine?

He's he made of cake like the Jolly Green Giants made of vegetables?

He's got an apple cord deck.

Just the apple cord?

No, not Kipling.

He'd have to have like a Swiss roll.

Something like that.

That's true, that's true.

It would have to be

a mini roll.

Yeah, it would have to be something like that.

All the chocolate's been eaten off.

It was exceedingly good.

I've always imagined Mr.

Kipling as like Colonel Sanders' cousin or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His English cousin.

Yeah.

Just like not the white hair and the white beard, but like a brunette.

So like a brunette, but Colonel Sanders a little bit younger, but they're cousins.

A little bit younger, yeah.

They're cousins.

Do they keep in touch?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

From like, from like Cornwall or something.

And

what's their opinion of each other?

What does Kipling think of Sanders?

I think they get on.

I think they get on.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think they get on.

I think there's like, oh, I'm glad you're doing well.

And I was like, you two.

I guess there's no competition between them, right?

No, because they're different, as much as they're in the same industry,

it's different.

You know, he's doing fried chicken and he's doing cakes.

And like,

you know, Sanders is a is a veteran as well.

Oh, yeah, he's been around for

a long time.

Yeah, but he's like, he's served in wars and he's a colonel.

Yeah.

So, like, you know, Kipling is just a bloke, just Mr.

Kipling.

Yeah, but Kipling's age, I'd imagine he was maybe in World War II, maybe.

Do you think?

Well, then I think it would be called something like Captain Kipling's cakes, but it's not.

It's called Mr.

Kipling.

Yeah, that's true.

That's what I'm titling.

Yeah.

You know, I think he was a

conscientious objector.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

See, I've just realised that when I imagine Mr.

Kipling, I imagine David Attenborough.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

That's mad, isn't it?

But I do just imagine David Attenborough.

Yeah.

So that is what you think of when you think of Kipling.

Do you think of Mr.

Kipling?

Yeah.

I think of more of a like an over-the-shoulder shot of like, you know, his hands and stuff, but I can't ever see his face.

Yeah.

I can just see like him maybe like making making some cake or writing a letter actually to Colonel Sanders maybe.

But like I can't really picture.

Every time I try and get get round and see his face I can't really see it I know I can see his face so clearly

he's standing

he's he's standing on the edge like you know those you know those white cliffs in Devon yeah in Devon it's Devon Dover I think it's Dover he's standing there and he has like long like up to his shoulders so it's quite long brown hair wow with like a goatee wow and a cigar

and like a monocle that's whoa yeah do you you know what I mean?

With like a three-piece suit.

Uh-huh.

And he's just going, huh.

I'm really glad you asked the question.

How do you imagine Mr.

Kipling?

Because that was all ready to go.

Yeah.

You've thought about it.

You knew what he looked like.

And it's just like, oh, what cake should I bake today?

Yeah.

Oh, so that's what the

sounds like another gangster that thought of Ramsey would have.

Feels like the cakes were a front for something else.

So, do you want

the little apple pies you get?

Yeah, the little ones.

Yeah.

The little ones.

And you have like, maybe like two.

And then you said, warm them up.

Yeah.

Some custard on top.

Hot custard or cold custard?

Hot.

Come on.

You look like it if it's cold custard on the hot apple pie.

Yeah.

I would have cold custard.

I see.

That's why I don't think we could be friends with you.

Why?

Well, I'll say one thing for you.

taste buds change taste buds change no do you really have cold custard yeah i love cold custard

hot thing i like contrasting temperatures so i'd if i had a hot apple pie yeah cold custard if i had cold apple pie hot custard hot apple pie ice cream yes you see it yeah i see it yeah yeah so that's what i that's when i stand on the cliffs of dover and i think about when i go oh when i think about what dessert i want yeah i'm always having cold custards wow why is he on the cliffs of dover i don't know it's quite a beautiful yeah it is it's a good view yeah yeah it's quite a beautiful image

of a welcome to england type thing yeah it's a very dramatic image yeah maybe he's waiting for a lost love to return or something oh yeah someone with that rest that apple pie recipe

aunt bessie aunt bessie aunt bessie yeah yeah i reckon i did a thing back in the day yeah about eight things went through my head to say about aunt bessie there and i just left them all yeah yeah well done thanks i guess

i mean mean, not ideal for the podcast.

No.

We all cut it anyway.

Thank you so for not saying it.

He'd cut it anyway.

Yeah, cut it anyway.

Yeah.

He'd cut it anyway.

We'll be lucky if that green giant dick stuff sees the lights.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

You want still water, very, very clear about that.

You would like warm white sourdough bread with salted butter.

You want chili salted corn ribs as your starter.

Beef wellington with potato mash, tenderstem broccoli and red wine gravy.

Side dish of mango salad.

Drink, Guinness, poured properly, taste bus change, and for dessert you would like Mr.

Kipling's apple pies, two apple pies and hot custard.

Then afterwards, we'll send you over an old-fashioned.

Oh, yes.

That's a good deal.

It does sound nice.

And you're going to be sat on a sofa as well and getting all of that on a tray.

All of that on a tray.

Yeah.

I think the overriding image for me is going to be Mr.

Kipling because now...

Every time I hear about Mr.

Kipling, I'm going to think of what you think about when you think about Mr.

Kipling.

So he's not Attenborough anymore.

He's a man with long hair and a goat.

He stood on white cliffs of Dover going, huh?

Yeah.

And the way you were described as well, I just pictured Bill Oddy as well when you said it.

When you said, like, like Bill Oddy back in like the you know, funky Gibbon days.

Yeah.

So, like, that's what I was imagining when you were describing him like that.

So now I'm imagining like Bill Oddy with a monocle and a cigar and a three-piece suit on the white cliffs of Dover.

Yeah.

Like that thinking about his cakes.

Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant, Ahmed.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you, Hamed.

Well, there we are, James.

Lovely to chat to Hamed.

What a lovely man.

What a lovely conversation.

We learned so much, so many characters along the way.

Yeah.

And a very nice meal as well.

Very nice meal.

Always love to hear Corden Ribs come back up on the podcast.

I mean, also, you know, as a Beef Wellington boy myself.

Oh, of course.

Nice to hear.

I actually kind of regret, now Hamid's gone, I should have told him about.

my Beef Wellington that I love so much, the Amsterdam one.

I really do regret not saying that.

Well, the info's out there.

If he wants to go digging through the episode archive, I'm sure he can find out about Ron Astro Bar.

Hamed, we know you don't like to watch your performances back.

But if you're listening to this, please listen to episode 100 or 200 of the Off Menu podcast and you'll hear me talk about that Beef Wellington.

Yes.

I believe it got received better when I told Claudio about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, Ryland wasn't interested, was he?

No, Ryland only was happy with my starter, which was the cheeseburger spring bills.

Everything else he thought was absolutely revolting.

uh don't forget that hamed is in kiss me kate at the barbican at the moment it's on until the 14th of september so be quick get your tickets from kissmekate musical.com and of course hamed did not say tamarind good because i wouldn't have wanted to kick someone up for something that i actually like no also he was much taller than us much taller but not me on your shoulders That's true.

Well, just about.

I mean, we were doing the photo.

We did the photo after the episode and I was crouching down because I normally just,

I normally pop a little squat next to the guests to be like more on, you know, and I'd say probably on average, the guests are shorter than us.

Yeah.

On average, absolutely.

Did it with Hamed?

I felt like a Tiddler.

You're going to look like a titch, man.

I felt like a tiddler.

Well, enjoy it.

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

Would you ever crouch next to Johnny Green Giant?

No way, man.

I wouldn't go near that gnarled old thing.

I bet it is disgusting, actually.

He's old.

Johnny Green Giant's been awam for a long time.

We're going to do some food shout-outs as well.

Thanks to the beers we've been sent from Siren Craft.

I like Sirencraft, always have.

Cheers for the beers.

Cheers for the beers, Siren Craft.

And your suckers, because I like it anyway.

And of course, full circle.

Beer Bruco.

Beer Bruco.

Cheers for the beers.

Cheers for the beers.

They're in the fridge, ready for the Christmas party.

And we've got some sauces sent to us.

Firstly, from Jim Carner, still one of my favourite restaurants in London.

If I could get a bloody booking, I will go.

Yeah.

Can't believe we got sent the sauces, though.

What a treat.

i love jim carner two mission stars now that place got congratulations jim carner well deserved well deserved but it makes it bloody harder to get a booking so if you send us a source why don't you just let me won't you tell me when i can book in well they'll send you a little note with the sources to say you can just just book me in or something

I'm not worried about oh isn't Ed Fancy gets bookings at restaurants that are all booked up I like that I like to feel special yeah absolutely yeah so So, but come on.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Jim Carter.

Do it a favor.

Thank you.

And also, thank you to Kebab Club who sent us some sauces as well.

They sent us some Turkish garlic sauce and Turkish chili sauce proper, like the stuff you want in the house.

Yama, yama, yama.

I love Turkish chili sauce and Turkish garlic sauce.

Yeah.

When I order Turkish food, like it comes in tiny little pots, and you're like, guys, come on.

Did you not know who I am?

I'm at Gamble.

I met Gamble.

Can you just send me some sauce?

Thank Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu.

We will see you again next time.

Yum, yum, yum.

Yumma.

We get it.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.