Ep 255: Saoirse-Monica Jackson

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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I have.

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Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast taking the Cocoa Pops of Conversation, pouring over the cold milk of friendship and listening, turning the milk chocolatey brown with humour oh no you chose a short one there i should have done one that there's there's not many steps to it yeah i should have done rice krispies and then i could have said listening to the snap crackle and pop of um you can still do that with cocoa pops yeah but that's not what they're known for they're known for turning the milk chocolatey brown but the idea of turning the milk chocolatey brown with humor has upset me i think yeah it doesn't sound although many episodes that we've done that's true that is what we end up doing yeah we do turn the milk milk chocolatey brown.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James Edge.

Together, we own a dream restaurant.

And every single week, we invite in a guest, last of their favourite ever, start a make course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Sergeant Monica Jackson.

Yes.

Look, sitcom royalty.

Sitcom Royalty.

Very excited.

Dairy Girls is such an amazing sitcom.

It's our third guest.

It is.

From Dairy Girls.

Fourth.

Fourth.

Fourth.

I think Dairy Girls is probably one of the shows that we've had the most cast members on from because we've had nicola cochland oh we had nicola i don't forget nicola cochland we've had chioborne mc mcsweeney and we've had tommy tiernan oh bonita's just told us it's five ardell's in it as well

five man

i mean obviously if you're counting taskmaster then that's obviously the winner with the amount of people we've had on from it yes stranger things weirdly is we're doing quite well he's knocking on the door yeah three of them yeah three of them uh yeah but yeah dairy girls is way up there yeah well that's very exciting i think i think i mean nicola was in the lockdowns yeah she locked herself out of her house so let's see if sir she will lock herself up the studio during this

here in person well we will lock her out of the studio if she says a secret ingredient of which we have pre-agreed we will have to and we've had to dip into some of our live show audience suggestions again and we've gone with one from the dublin show which was brown coddle brown coddle we didn't know what it was when it was suggested by the dublin audience yes it we we believe it's kind of stewed.

It's kind of stew.

It comes in different colours.

Yes.

It's got like little carrots and potatoes in it and stuff.

Yeah, it sounds quite nice.

I think it sounds nice.

I mean,

the name is horrible.

Yes, brown coddle.

Brown coddle.

It doesn't sound nice.

It turns the milk chocolatey brown.

That's what they say.

Yeah, they do say that.

Yeah.

It's the go-co-pops, like a savory cocoa pops.

Savory cocoa pops, yes.

That's what we understand.

So if Siria says savory cocoa pops, she's out.

She's out, which will be a shame because we're all very much looking forward to watching the DeCameron on Netflix.

Yes.

Sir Shares is in because it comes out on July 25th, tomorrow.

We're looking at a little press thing for it here.

It says the Decameron is like Love Island, but back in the day.

It's a great cast as well.

Amazing cast.

Tony Hale, Zosia Mammet, I think is...

I don't know.

I've never known how to pronounce that person's name, but they're fantastic.

Yes.

I always find them funny, but I don't know how to say their first name because...

too used to their characters.

So check out the Decameron, but only after you've listened to this.

It's the off-menu menu of Siria Monica Jackson.

Welcome Siria to the dream restaurant.

Waiting for me to do it.

Not going to be fooled and say hello.

Welcome, Siria Monica Jackson, to the dream restaurant, but it's been here for some time.

I was so focused on saying Siria right that I messed up Monica

and I said it different to Ed.

Yeah.

Ed Ed went for Siria.

I went for Siria.

Yeah, it's really, um, it's really your own choice, your own.

I don't think it is.

I don't think that's her name.

But I'm well worth, I'm well, used to it.

I've got everything from Susquehi De Psoriasis.

I mean, actually, I just did a Guinness ad recently where we were talking about on the ad the pronunciation of my name, and my fiancé, through that advert, has learned how to say my name properly.

Finally, finally, finally.

So, I spoke to someone recently who is segmentant and is naming their daughter Circia.

Oh, it's becoming more common now.

I had a whole conversation with them about, because they were saying that another celebrity, not you,

I won't say who it is, has that name.

And they were like, they say it wrong.

She calls herself Circia, but I think...

that that is a different there's two different there's two different like gaelic translations and dialects within ireland so i think hers is of a different translation that's a translation i was doing i was aware of the two different uh dialects and i just plumped for the wrong gaelic dialect it means freedom so people in the north i think have more of a stronghold over that that word so i think that we're right but surely it means freedom so people can just pronounce it however they like they're free to free to do that right yeah

do you know what i am so used to it and it's always an open like an uh conversation opener.

And people are so thrilled in themselves once they get it right.

It's sort of nice to see the delight on people's faces.

Do you know who never gets it wrong is Americans?

Really?

Americans, first time round, absolutely fucking nail it.

English people, deserve it.

Because we don't believe in ourselves like the Americans do.

Yeah.

Or easy just doing it out of pure spite.

Yeah.

I think it's a spite thing.

Yeah.

Maybe somewhere in between the two.

We're the ones who feel spiteful towards you.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And what I like about it is always that you're not still not telling us which one of us if you've ever sort of got it right at all you're going to leave us both guessing it's sear like sear a steak and then sha that's what i always say to people and they still go susquishki

at least i didn't go with sisquishki yeah i mean i wish you had susquishki i can't say susquishi that's harder to say

it's good to have the manica as a good wee buffer that serves me well in starbucks and things like that or on like film sets in foreign countries you just say monica is it formal?

Sometimes they just call me Monica and at a late they would call me Shushi, which I thought was quite cute.

That's quite a nice shushi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I felt like a little Pomeranian.

Exactly.

It's like you're in a handbag.

Yeah, yeah.

You were in Italy, of course, filming.

And here's another word I can't, I don't have absolute confidence in pronouncing.

The de Cameron?

Yeah.

How was that filming in Italy for that?

And then it's coming to Netflix very soon.

Yeah, it's coming to Netflix on the 25th of July.

It was such a brilliant experience.

Rome is the most chaotic place that I've ever been or stayed.

I think it was quite funny to watch the Americans getting traveled to work in the morning because they're just not used to cobblestones the way we are.

We're hardcore on the cobblestones in Europe.

We can handle it.

We've like stomachs of dogs when it comes to travel, whereas the Americans are just used to like wide flat roads.

That was quite an experience to see the difference between us there.

How were they reacting to the cobblestones?

What was Tony Hale like on some cobbles?

He was just like, oh my god, I mean, is this serious?

Everywhere it never stops.

And fame, I mean, you know, that is the true confidence of Americans to go to Rome and start slagging off the roads.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The roads pretty much, they're Roman.

They're Roman boys.

Yeah, but it was their thing.

It is user-friendly.

We're not user-friendly.

We're just friendly.

But nothing's easy here.

Yeah.

Everything, especially, I think, in ireland you have to work for everything everything is an uphill battle where in america everything is just made for you yeah

convenience you need to work hard to slot in yeah over on this side of the planet i think you do yeah yeah what's the thing that when uh friends from overseas visit ireland that they complain about the most if it's not

what's your cobbles what's our cobbles well we've got big walls that wrap around the whole area so that's sort of nice

but i don't think there's we don't have great wi-fi maybe and tonico but there's not much to complain about like the food's great the scenic views are amazing and i think that the people are really really good looking as well so yeah and always adds to your tree yeah yeah yeah sure

that's why you need the walls to keep out all the suitors exactly yeah yeah yeah exactly they're clambering over and we're like stop stop we're taking

But we don't hear about any of that because of the bad Wi-Fi.

No, no.

You can't tell anyone.

You can't read any any tweets about it.

Are you much of a foodie?

Are you a food fan?

I am a massive food fan.

I love to eat and I love my grub.

I think I like like a range of different food.

I like like ranging from like extremely wanky food to like, you know, home cooked cottage pie, beans toasty.

I'm across the spectrum on offer, really.

This is what we like on this podcast, I think.

Yeah.

I mean, the first time both of us met you was at the Craig British Menu banquet.

Yes.

So there was, you know, food is very much and Ed correct me if I'm wrong the name of the game

it's a big part of it I'd say yeah at least 50% is part of that show yeah were you on the table with the man who was asleep the old man

no we'll see

I'm not sure maybe you were on the table I thought you were on the table with the man who fell asleep

I was on the on the table with Catherine amazing actress from the IT crowd yeah we had a

ball we had a ball I didn't expect it because normally when you go to these TV events it's like quite stuffy and everybody leaves from like prime and proper time, but it was madness.

That was a fun one.

And because it was

so it was loose.

Because it was celebrating the BBC as well.

They invited loads of fun people.

That's right.

Yeah, and like all of the tables were fun.

We were on a fun table with just friends, basically.

And then we were in a good position to look at

who fell asleep halfway through.

And then the pudding arrived.

It got put in front of him.

He woke up, ate the pudding, and then went back to sleep again.

Well we always start with still a sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

Sparkle on.

I like to get the mouse scratched.

So that's what you're enjoying getting from the sparkling is the

scratchy mouth.

Yeah yeah.

Just detangle that mouse, get it all open.

Have you ever heard of the face gem?

Yeah, yeah, it's been recommended to me.

Yeah, yeah, well, it says a lot about how I clearly look.

Well, apparently it gives you a skinnier face.

So maybe that's what sparkle and water is doing for the inside of your mouth.

Do you snucky on from the inside?

Oh, so I thought you're saying it gives you the skinny inside of the mouth.

Yeah.

Does that show on the outside then, or are you just trying to get chimney so what?

Yeah, because there's less on the inside, so it means you have to pull it out from the inside.

Just feels ice, doesn't it?

Just wash it around.

Yeah, I know, I see what you mean.

It's stimulating.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Sparkle and water.

Yeah, it gets you ready for what you're about to eat, maybe.

Yeah, and obviously scratches the mouth and

makes it skinny on the inside, yeah.

And they massage the inside of your mouth at the face gym, don't they?

They never, I've never had anyone's fingers in my mouth in the face gym.

Other places, yes, at work sometimes.

We should try and explain what the face gym is, maybe for some listeners who don't.

Yeah, explain the face gym.

I'm going to explain it now really well, so hopefully they give me some free visual.

The face gym is a place where you go and they exercise your face.

You don't have to do any of the exercising yourself.

You don't have to move your own face they move it for you and they have like weights and balls and things that they press and roll and ice and you leave honestly snatched yeah

it's amazing

because i have i've seen i've been past the face gym and have thought but where have we come to you've got fantastic skin though that you suppose to thank you very much and do you do you anything dude or you just uh wash it now and again

me and james have had an argument about this before that i wasn't washing my face at night and james thought it was the most most unbelievable thing he'd ever heard.

Yeah, you have to wash your face at the same time.

Yeah, and then I did an interview you're loving in London.

Yeah, and then I did an interview with GQ magazine and they were really upset that I didn't wash my face.

So about six months later, when I'd calmed down my stubbornness, I started washing my face at night.

Do you not have like a wee sooty face when you're coming home?

No, I'm not a chimney sweep.

I'm not running through the streets of London jumping into chalk painting.

But it's modern day.

Dirt isn't visible now.

Yeah, well, I think also Ed was born.

You have all that Wi-Fi on your face.

I should move to Donegal.

Because I think, like, when I moved to London, I really noticed, like, oh, my skin is fucked.

Yeah.

Like, as soon as I moved it, it was fine in Ketron.

Yeah.

And then I moved here, and all the pollution sort of attacking my face.

I was like, well, I got sort of out.

Whereas Ed was born here.

So I guess.

You're hard.

I've always been mucky.

His skin knows how to deal with it.

He's a mucky boy.

But you must be hard as fuck because yeah i'm

not makes you the water the water is hard so it must harden you especially if you're growing with that water yeah yeah or maybe maybe i'm just used to it you know it's like an immune system thing now yeah because i can't go anywhere with soft water i've said it on the podcast before it makes my hair too fluffy yeah

but he texted me when he started washing his face at night to tell me he'd started doing it for a bit i was texting him every night going done it again did it again

it's awful and then i've got a little acid thing that i use sometimes as well oh that's nice my wife sometimes uses like an acid peel thing that is like purple but never warns me when she's put it on and i'm always shocked just walk into the bedroom like with a bright purple face like what the fuck

every single time i have one of those led

masks yeah they are amazing also snatch Do they actually do anything though?

They really, really, really do.

I just feel like when I took it off, I sort of look like I just got out of the sea.

Do you know know when it's a wee bit tighter and a wee bit like

that's what it feels like?

Oh, nice.

I really am on this yanker.

And that's very relaxing, you know, to just lie down and like just your pants and the face mask, just like starfished across the bed.

It's a bit of you time.

We live in a busy world.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah, we've got to put on an LED face mask that makes us look like we're in slip not now and again.

My girlfriend's got one of those.

Yeah.

I've tried it out a couple of times.

Yeah.

Sitting there on the bed with my pants with what looks like, you know, like...

I don't think you have to be in your pants.

I'll just just say that now i think that's i don't think you have to be in your pants you're just out of the shower when you do

you're obviously not gonna lie

some of us are trying to relax

well we're supposed to be laying there in a led face mask and full dungarees and just do it on the tube

what do you what would it be you do it when you're just clean right okay that makes sense then sorry carry on

well last time i did it i'm laying there got it on in my pants

and then my cat who is a sphinx cat hairless cat comes and sits on my chest it was quite the sight, me with that mask on and a hairless cat sitting on it.

Pop-lums or bed!

Pop-ups of bed, says your Monica Jackson.

Pop-lumps of bed.

I'm going to go for pop-adoms.

Yeah.

You're the first person from Ireland who's chosen this.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm obviously the most cultured in Poplar.

Well, I was coming in here.

I was like, we've got to never bread on our hands, I imagine.

It'd be bread, it'd be Kerry Gold.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do love Kerry Gold.

Yeah, yeah.

I go for Popadoms because I think that it's a better vehicle for dips and I'm all about dips.

So that's why I offer a pop-a-dom and I like to add some crunch.

What dips are we talking?

If the dips are the headliners here?

For the pop-adoms.

Yeah.

Or for anything.

I mean, generally.

For cross-folding.

Also,

you can bring in some of your favourite dips from non-popadom world and pop them at the bottom.

Oh, I do do that.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, there you go.

Leave the last wee popadum at the end of the bag and then have a wee dip feast the next day.

Fantastic.

I want to hear about these dips.

My favorite dips are Franks.

I like Franks because it's very vaniery and it makes you sweat from here.

I always think that's a good thing.

Franks.

Frank's buffalo sauce.

Yeah, I wouldn't

even describe that as a dip.

So this is the level you're operating on now.

What do you know how to describe it as a dip?

A hot sauce.

It's a sauce?

A sauce.

It's a hot sauce.

A ju, whatever you

dip.

I'm thinking you could get a pot of it and then you're dipping it in.

I'm sorry, she's done you there.

No, a sauce you're putting on top of it.

She's absolutely done you.

You're not even listening to me.

You know the difference between a dip and and a sauce yeah

i think anything you could eat with your tongue classified as a duck right the tongue is the ultimate spoon the tongue's the ultimate spoon okay now now i fully believe that that is a dip listen since she has chosen categorically a uh a hot sauce yeah so you are correct but she'd done you with the shoe thing

Absolutely done you.

Okay, so we're going for buffalo sauce.

Buffalo sauce.

I like that green dip that you get from an undeaned, you know, the wee here be one.

Yeah.

It's sort of like an Andean pesto.

Yeah.

It doesn't taste anything like pesto.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that.

Quite fresh, quite sort of zingy.

Quite fresh.

And green chili in there as well.

But a green chili, a lot of spice.

A lot of the lime pickle also from the Andean.

Yes.

I wouldn't know be a big woman for salsa or

soyer cream or anything like that.

Sawyer cream, I think, to me, is fucking gross.

Every time I meet a new person from Ireland who I've not met before, I learn a new phrase that I didn't know existed.

And I didn't know I wouldn't be a big woman.

I've never heard that before.

And every time I'm like, I love that phrase, I would like to steal it.

Yeah, yeah.

But

I feel like you could bring that into your lexicon.

There were certain things I could get away with saying on stage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think because you've got a bun of a ginger gene.

Nobody, you could say it in an Irish phase and it would be believable.

I've been like, oh, man, I must be Irish.

Yeah.

that's good.

I can get away with that.

That's good to know.

I've got the ginger gene.

A lot of ginger people, you know, see me as like you know, representation on TV.

You're the king, the king of the gingers, yeah.

They tell me that, and I'm like, but then when they meet me in real life, they are looking at my hair, like, hold on a second.

I got a ginger vibal fusal from the telly in our first meeting, but in today's reflect, you're not that ginger, but I can see you have it on you

too.

At the banquet, I think you told me that

that's what you said in your first meeting.

I thought you were more ginger than this.

I have the ginger gene in me as well.

Yeah, you got it?

Yeah, I think you can deal with people.

Can you see by looking at me that I could have been ginger?

I actually can, now you say it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Definitely the ginger gene.

Maybe, yeah.

When I was born, I was ginger.

That is so surprising.

I didn't know this.

Yeah.

Well, it was like strawberry, you know, they say strawberry blonde.

Did they just now clean off the blood?

Yeah.

That was it, actually.

I was cucking him.

Dirty London.

Yeah.

okay man i can't believe you were born ginger because you're so not that fight not at all well it was like yeah strawberry blonde and then i don't think my mum was that happy about that oh so maybe they've been dyeing my hair ever since yeah yeah without you knowing yeah yeah yeah

ginger uh yeah sort of i mean it's almost impossible for me to grow a beard but um but it is it's ginger flecked and my my dad has like a ginger moustache as well so yeah there's that that's the bit of irish knocking around in the family eyebrows ginger and he's terrified of the sun so it's uh it's a double-edged sword really being ginger yeah what's the he's beautiful he's very handsome yeah but uh hard from to go abroad porcelain skinned porcelain skinned he probably couldn't even use that led mask without getting sunburned could he frazzed absolutely frazzed immediately so we've got two dips have we no three dips here lime pickle

the the green dip yeah and the buffalo sauce anything else or is that the i like the yogurti dip as a coolant factor.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You're going to need that.

You've got some stuff.

I've been to Thailand recently and I was really into the Sanbal.

What's that?

Don't know, but it was really nice.

I don't know actually what's on it, but you know, it's not a

kicking the dip off the other dips.

It's just like a different twist.

Yeah.

Seem to remember that it felt like there was these Wii Circle crunchy things on it, but I don't know what they were.

Okay.

And then I ordered some from Amazon, thinking I just ordered one jar and I ordered 24 of them.

Everything's been clattered in Sambal as of late.

Are you bored of it yet?

No, it's lovely.

That moment, because I've done that before, where you're like, oh, I've ordered something and then it arrives.

Oh, fuck.

That's my life now.

That's my life for the next year.

Eating Sambal.

I don't know what peckled ginger as hell.

So now when people come, they stay, I always give them like the things that I've ordered multi-pack by accident as they're leaving.

So they'll get like four sweets, mango, chocolate, and pickled ginger as they go out the door.

and like thank you tell your mum what's asking for

a little party bag yeah your brother thinks you're taking the piss out of him yeah draw some pickled ginger

I did that with chicken thighs in the pandemic accidentally ordered 10 kilos of chicken thighs what did you do with them then well with some friends who live in the area were like coming over standing at the end of the path and I was like throwing them bags of chicken thighs out the front door and stuff did you drop them off in any parks or any wild animals no I don't think that would be particularly appreciated in my local area if I was just leaving raw chicken size in the park for foxes.

I wonder could, do you think dogs can eat raw meat?

I don't know, actually.

Do you think foxes can eat raw meat?

Foxes can definitely eat anything.

They're horrible.

They're eating

lying there for a while.

Yeah, exactly.

But then if a chicken's just, I don't know,

I wonder how they work that out themselves.

During the pandemic...

I think it was fox mating season during the pandemic and they were all like fucking outside the window.

It's a horrible noise.

In Ireland we call it banshees.

Oh really?

That's why there's so many rumors about banshees but it's like it's not banshees gears it's just foxes riding.

So the the origin of the banshee myth is from foxes riding.

I discovered that as I got older we went on holidays to Cavan and there was two foxes riding and I was like sex and I like I discovered it quite early on and I was like oh my god there's a fucking banshee.

I probably wasn't saying fucking because of this child and I was terrified and I couldn't sleep.

My mom's like, don't worry, don't worry.

It's just two foxes fighting.

And then I took out a battle, though, I said, they weren't fighting.

They weren't fighting.

They were having fans.

Some of the people talked about banshees.

I was like, I'm not having a fox is having sex.

There's no such thing as a banshee.

We've all seen the fucking foxes of Inasharin, haven't we?

Quite film.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Let's get into your meal proper, your dream starter.

My dream starter would be oysters.

Yeah.

from i would like the oysters to come from ireland yeah but i would like the vinaigrette that comes along with the oysters from this restaurant in liverpool called the italian fish club because they're vinaigrette my oh my it's so vinegary and they don't they're not stingy in the amount of those wee tiny bits of onions you get on it

so i really love their vinaigrette i'd like the two different Tabasco sauces going with it.

The green one.

Actually, the three of them.

I want the dark Tabasco sauce, the green Tabasco and your standard the reddish salted of tabasco the red one and then I would also like on a platter with that some langostings nice with a garlicky butter over it this is great what a great starter that's a good one wasn't it really good starter how many oysters you have in I'll have six six so how many when we got the oyster because you got a very specific selection of accoutrement there to go on the oyster.

How are you doing it?

How are you evening out these sauces?

Are you doing all three Tabasco's on each oyster or are you changing it up depending on what oyster, what Tabasco sauce you use?

I change it up.

There'll definitely be one in there that I put all three of them on at the one time.

I might do that with two.

And I'll squeeze the lemon on, good bit of shalot.

Yeah.

And then I'll singular.

out some of the sauces to let them have their moment

each individually.

And then whatever, whatever vinaigrette is left, I'll put a bit of Tabasco on it and I'll shot it like a chicken.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

You've got to.

That's cool.

Because that's so good, isn't it?

Yeah.

I mean,

that's got a face gym your mouth, surely.

That's why I look so young because I'm just peckled from the inside out.

Surely, because you've already scratched up the inside of your mouth with sparkling water and then you're chucking vinegar in there.

So it's really absorbent on there.

Yeah, you're just in agony all of the time, but you look amazing.

I'm just eat.

I love this idea of giving each source their moment as well.

Yeah.

Are you sort of imagining the sources as living beings who are getting jealous of all being on the same oyster and then they're like, but what about my moment?

Yeah.

Let my flavours shine.

Exactly.

They'll get a solo.

That's good.

Yeah.

They'll get a wee solo.

Yeah.

They're a choir, but everyone needs a solo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You do need to always make sure you brush your teeth to be sensitive though, don't you, before you eat oysters?

Because have you ever put an oyster around your mouth and your teeth are sensitive and you go, fuck, fuck, fuck, and it sort of wiggles out of you at the front.

What?

What are you talking about?

Do you know the freeziness of of the oyster if it hits your mouse

and your teeth are sensitive if it's been a long week.

It jiggles in your heart.

You're trying to control the sensitivity and flatten your tongue across your teeth and

there's so many things I need to talk to about that symptoms.

I mean, look, if we're talking about we're stand-up comics, we've been there before when we think something's universal and it isn't.

You must have had that.

Come on.

You've never crunched under an oyster and went, fuck, that's cold.

i not not no i've never thought that's so cold it's gonna come out wriggle out the front i think is the phrase you might have used

the thing i really want to concentrate on is you say when the teeth are sensitive because it's been a long week do your teeth get more sensitive as the week goes on if it's busy no do you know what actually it's funny you mentioned that this is a recent thing this is very boring to tell people but um a wild woman for grinding recently

um the teeth yeah the teeth so if there's a lot on on that week there'll be it's a bigger grind yeah

So some days my teeth be more sensitive than others.

Yes.

And oysters always feel like a special occasion.

So maybe the excitement for a special occasion will have amped up the grinding and therefore maybe the oysters always coincide with that.

So that's why I have that experience.

And you're chewing the oysters.

You're not down in one.

You don't swallow them on whole.

No, I go one bite, one bite swallow.

I don't let me imagine it.

I think I shake it from side to side and bite on each side just to make sure.

And then I might swallow.

But I definitely sort of break it with my tongue in half.

Yeah, yeah.

I think you've got to break it.

No, you've got to enjoy the flavour.

Otherwise, it's like you're taking a paracetamol.

Exactly.

When you say you shake it side to side, are you shaking your whole head?

Like, I'll make sure that it's button on each side of the oyster.

Right, okay.

I'll warm it up basically in my mouth first, so I'm not swallowing it too cold.

There's going to be people seeing you in restaurants.

I hope she gets oysters.

I can't wait to see the way she eats them.

Yeah, just

shaking around and shot in the vinegar.

That's what they're made for.

Celebration.

Are you going lemon as well?

Oh, always.

Yeah, lemon, lemon, lemon.

Lemon.

As much as possible.

You'd be hoping you don't have any fingernail rag tags when you're out having oysters because you'd be burning the fingertips right off you, wouldn't you?

With the lemon, such a bass go.

That's just like going to the finger gym.

Yeah, yeah.

We'll have the finger gym.

Well, I mean, that sounds very efficient, the whole thing.

Yeah.

And the Langostines, how many of them are?

I don't want to be too full for my main, so I'll go with four.

Now, are you having to peel those and stuff and do any admin with them?

Or is that just...

I like that, again, I find that ceremonious, is the word?

Yeah, yeah.

I like that.

And I like ticking their wee legs apart, their wee six packs.

Yeah.

And getting those wee bad boys out.

I've never thought of a Langosteen as buff before, but now, period.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, early on, when me and Hector started going out with each other, we used to come up.

It was like during the second lockdown, so it was obviously boring.

And we used to come up with these wee characters in our heads that we obviously didn't just keep singularly and not speak out loud, but to come up together and we used to like do the voices for them.

And two characters was called Scrot on the Prawn and Little Shitbag.

So I was Little Shitbag and he was Scrot on the Prawn.

And then

we made...

Yeah, it was only a couple of months, like a month or two in.

And then I got an artist to commission a photo, like I described scrum the prawn deer of what i imagined scrum the prawn de looked like which is like a lovable rogue with a pair of night gear mics on wear a cap backwards and a chain smoking a cigarette a bunch of he's a prawn right but he's a prawn yeah yeah

scrum the prawn

and he has a sex pack

it's not to brag so does my boyfriend

scrum the prawn there's no way around that

but congratulations to it

on your six pack

so i got the the roll day really being little shitbags now.

Talk us through little shit back.

Little shit pack is a bag of money, like what you see in old cartoons, you know, like a bag with a dollar sign.

Yeah.

And it's got shit inside it with little stank marks coming up the top.

And it's always sad.

But it's a tiny shit bag.

Because it is full of shit.

But it once contained money, I suppose.

Anything's gone the bronze is.

But it once contained money, you're out.

Yeah, so that's why it's so sad as well.

It knows knows how good life used to be yeah i mean you might not even know maybe it's a metaphor for like money strikes yeah yeah maybe how did you get how did you get to scroll on the prawn and little shit back it just started like the both of us sat on a sofa looking out a window and then do you never do that with you're like your

significant others and then you're just like talking in the voice like oh why do i have no patience i don't have any patience because i don't have any time

then we gave them like their their characters developed and then it became scrolling the prawn and and little shitbag.

COVID, we all had to get through it some way.

What's little shitbag's voice?

What voice was little shitbugs?

That was sort of little shitbags.

That's little shitbag's voice.

Little high, high-pitched voice.

Scroll on the prawn is more like scrolling the prawn.

Potty, potty, potty.

I loved how you described that going, scrolling the prawns more like scroll on the prawn.

So scroll on the prawns obviously, scroll on the prawn, you say.

And what's the relationship with each other again?

What do they think of each other?

I think that it's sort of like a myrrh.

I mean, it's not a rip-off at all in any way of wrecking morty.

You know, like where little shitbag is always following scrolling the prawn, yeah, and scrolling the prawn is just always trying to work things out and making it a disaster.

And little shitbag's actually fixing him's mistakes behind him and never getting any glory for it, but it's just happy to be there.

I'd happily watch an animation of Scrolling the Prawn and Little Shipbag.

Yes.

I know, wasn't this actually?

Nobody better fucking stay in the idea.

Yeah, I think it'll be pretty clear if they've stolen the idea.

I'd say, as you were talking there and describing their relationship, I did notice a switch from talking about the characters to talking what sounded like

your real relationship with your partner.

You're like, and the little shitbag's always cleaning up, scoring the pawns, messes, and never getting any credit for it.

Yeah, but

he's got a sex pack, so he can put up with some stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm full of shit.

I love that it's a bag of money that's full of shit.

A dollar bag that's full of shit.

That's the character you came up with.

I'm happy in the university.

Yeah, I'm a prawn with a backwards cap.

I'm a bag of shit.

Well, I'm going to get through the pandemic somehow.

Your dream main course.

This was a hard one to do.

Can I tell you what the runners-up were first?

We love runners-up.

Yeah.

Okay, so the first runners-up

was

Andy.

Well, you know Andy Oliver, don't you?

I'm a huge fan of stirring it up.

And then I bought her cookbook and I made the honey baked chicken because when I heard a Lily Allen eating it and Makita, I was just like, that sounds so good.

Yeah.

Just the sound effects of even them.

Yeah.

Like I could tell they were actually eating the whole way through the podcast.

So I made that and oh my god, it did not disappoint.

It is absolutely delicious, but I want it to be made by Andy Oliver herself because I can't quite get the crisp on the chicken.

When I've seen her photos and I've zoomed in on Instagram, it looks like it's crispy and like darker, whereas mine's is quite grey and thin.

Um, so I want that baked by Andy Oliver because that sauce is honestly like a real showstopper.

My other runner-up

was orangini pasta

with my own sauce.

Is that up my own architecture mac?

No, no.

Is that up my own arsenal juice?

Tell us the sauce.

Pasta sauce that I've been making since like university and it's sort of evolved where it's red pesto.

It's really not fancy.

Red pesto, garlic.

Obviously, I do the garlic first before the red pesto.

Garlic first and then loads of cherry tomatoes, like a full packet of it.

And then red pesto, natural yogurt, and shit loads of Tabasco and a full block of feta and garden garden peas.

It really sounds like something you came up with at university.

That sounds like the ultimate student meal.

I still love it and I love those V orangini pasta shapes because they're very tongue-like.

But I thought you don't need them though because the tongue's a natural spoon.

But they just scoop it all up.

So that was the next run.

Andy's was closer.

Mang's was last.

And then I will choose for the winner of the day for my dream.

For

I went to Devonshire House in Soho last week.

I managed to wangle a table there.

Is it Devonshire House?

Am I going to do it?

I've heard of the Devonshire.

The Devonshire.

I was actually about to bring up the Devonshire when you're talking about Longesteens because they do like just.

Did you just call them Longesteins?

We.

Are they not called Langosteens?

Well, it's a Sairshire-Sircher thing, isn't it?

Longesteens.

I have no idea which is correct.

Do you get longestines in Barcelona?

See?

Manuel.

We've had this with jalapenos before.

People get at me for trying to pronounce things correctly.

Yeah.

I think there's something else as well.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a wanker.

Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt you.

No, not at all.

They do just like a pile of whatever that is that we're talking about.

Linger steams.

Very, very good.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I do know that place now.

Someone showed me a list of like best places to eat in central London or whatever.

And that was like the Devonshire was like on there.

And I was like, I've never heard of it.

But it sounds like it's a really good.

It's really good.

And it's got a great atmosphere in it as well.

I wanted to get the Longosteins when I was there, but I don't have time.

Yeah.

Because it's a whole thing, isn't it?

Getting Longosteens.

It's a whole experience.

Don't change it for them.

Do you take them out of their wee homes?

Yeah.

So I just had time for the mains.

I actually didn't get my dream dish.

My friend got my dream dish and it was when I tasted it.

My oh my, it was so good.

It was, I think Irish people really love lamb.

I think it's like, it's not that, it's not a big hitter in England, isn't it?

No?

No, we don't do it very well.

We're getting better in recent years.

I'd say.

Yeah, we are getting, yeah, but lamb is probably, you know, with beef, switching around now and again,

the winner of the day for me.

Yeah.

It's often the winner.

Yeah, it's often the the winner of the day for me as well.

But like, that's a recent thing for me.

Yeah.

Growing up, I didn't think it was good.

I couldn't have it.

Do you think it'll make it as big of a hit as pulled pork?

Do you think lamb will ever get to that stage, have that moment in the sun like pulled pork did?

I don't know.

I don't think pulled pork deserved its moment in the sun.

I don't either.

Because I don't think anyone really does it well.

No.

Particularly, because you need to cook it for like 12 hours for it to do it.

I'll tell you who does it well.

Go on.

Disneyland.

But it's not actually pulled.

It's still on the bone.

So I checked that back.

But if he's pulled, we need it.

You've got one of those big, massive pork legs when you're on Disneyland.

No, I get the turkey leg.

I don't do the pork.

It's turkey, it's not pork, does it?

All right.

Did you know I was making that mistake?

No,

I was laughing because you just said you know where does it really well, and I was expecting a restaurant or something, and you said Disneyland.

So I was laughing at that.

And then as it progressed, I was like,

this is the turkey leg.

But I wasn't laughing about that.

No, because I think I've seen me being truly hoisted by my own petard.

No, I would not laugh at that.

I think there are places in Disneyland where they do like a pork knuckle or something in like in the beast land or something.

So that's what, you know.

Yeah, it'd be something like that.

That's like the beast's hand.

But no, yeah, I agree.

I think pulled pork is like.

the gang nam style of foods.

And

it had a little bit, but it wasn't that good.

Yeah.

But lamb, I think once England learns how to cook it properly.

It does stink when you're cooking it.

It does stink.

And then you get a wild, like grey, floaty foam at the top.

It's not nice, but it's worth it.

Hang on, how are you cooking the lamb?

Well, I think anyway, you cook lamb if you do it.

Have you never cooked it when you do it in a bacon?

When you do it in the oven, and you get that grey, wobbly juice coming out of it, or if you were already boiling lamb?

I've never boiled lamb, but also I don't, I think I have cooked lamb in an oven a lot and I don't think I've ever had wobbly grey juice coming out of it.

I think every time it does

I'm of a fresher lamb than you.

Or the opposite.

Do you know that lamb's not actually a lamb?

What?

I have an old farmer friend of mine.

It wasn't an old farmer.

It was just a friend from the past, but still quite good friends.

He told me that he was a farmer that did sheep.

The farmed sheep.

That farmed sheep.

And he said, like, because I was like, oh, Jesus, I really love lamb, you know, I love it so much.

But like, it's obviously, it's quite controversial because you shouldn't be eating too many of them because then they'll go snanked, maybe.

And it's not good because they're such small baby sheep.

And he said, no, actually, they're not.

They're teenagers.

They're immature sheep.

They're like

full-grown sheep that didn't grow up properly.

And then that's what classifies them as lamb.

And that came straight from the room's help so they're summer sun when

when we're eating lamb they're not actually little baby sheep it's not it's just amateur sheep they're adult sheep like the shorter ones that yeah yeah yeah yeah

no i do yeah i do i will almost feel worse about that yeah i

think if i'm if next time i'm eating a lamb and this will happen now because you've said it next time you're meeting a lamb eating oh i thought you said meeting oh i wish

um next time i'm eating a lamb if I'm I'm gonna be thinking to myself, this is a teenager.

Yeah.

I think that's worse.

That's gonna be worse for me now.

Really?

If I start thinking this is a teenager.

Because you're eating all the puberty as well then.

Yeah, that's what you'll be thinking.

Because teenagers are

smellier than children or B.O.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe you've been cooking pube lamb and that's why all that stuff's coming off it.

Yes, all the B.O.

Fucking that, it's a really good point.

Maybe I've been getting real lambs.

Maybe I've got the hookup for the actual babies.

The actual actual babies.

When you think about it, how tough would a baby,

anything, or lamb be?

Yeah.

Because it's not as fatty.

So that's what he said to me.

He said, no, you wouldn't want to be really eating a lamb because it would be too

tough, just tough babies.

How do they do this at the Devonshire?

What was

I honestly?

have never tasted something as

succulent and tasty.

It didn't dribble.

It wasn't greasy, but the bite and it was it nearly was filled with its own ju.

It didn't it had a sauce, of course it had a sauce on the side.

It was like a lovely herby.

It wasn't a chemi churry, but it's like it was sort of like if Ireland did chemichurry, so it was just like herbs.

I would add now personally a chemo churry as well so I could have the herb and the spicy option.

And then on the side I would have cheesy leeks.

this is the first time I've ever had cheesy lakes that it was the white bit of the lake okay did you know because you're you're very good at food did you know that that's the better way to do cheesy lakes no

she was looking at Ed

no but I guess that's the more sort of yeah that's the more oniony bit that you can cook for a little bit longer see I always discarded that bit oh really got it all wrong only until I've been to the Devonshire you've got it topsy-turvy I was eating a corn holy shit

so that that's from the Devonshire as well.

The cheesy licks came with the lamb.

Was it like slow roast?

I got my extra for it, but no, it's an option.

Yeah.

Was it like slow roast lamb?

Was it?

Sounds like it.

Yeah.

It wasn't like

falling apart.

It wasn't pulled.

It was very much its own entity.

Yeah.

Three different chops.

Because I imagine if it's slow roasted, does it not all fall apart then?

Yeah.

So it must not have been so much.

But it was chops, you say.

It was chops.

It was gorgeous.

And then they had these goose fat chips there that I would also choose.

And I would just like a bowl of rocket that I would add that they didn't offer there that I would also add.

I love rocket.

Yeah.

So you'd like that, that's your main course is all those things together.

And a Bloody Mary, very spicy with loads of Tabasco.

You got it.

Yeah, absolutely.

What type of Tabasco are you using for that?

I'll go for the standard.

Yeah, the red salted.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that sounds great.

Any other accoutrement in that Bloody Mary?

I have something to add to my Bloody Mary.

Yeah.

I would like a Bloody Mary from, which I've only had this one time it was a one-time thing and i went back and they were all sold out and said oh and the machine's broken and i haven't been in that area again from the first aid box in hairnhill oh and i had a clarified bloody mary and it was they made it from yellow tomatoes and it was sort of because do you know sometimes when they use cheap tomato just It's just spicy cold sip.

We walk in there.

It's too thick.

And it sort of curdles.

And sometimes it's not good.

This was like what you really want from a Bloody Mary.

It was thin but tomatoy and sweet and just light and like calapenuey, but still Tabasco had its moment with a citrusy burst.

Wow.

Amazing.

Sounds delicious.

Can I have to go and get that?

Yeah, yeah.

Off the Hern Hill.

Didn't think I was going to say that today.

Again, like, you know,

the starter, very specific, sounded delicious.

This main course as well.

I want to eat that.

Yeah.

And you've put in a lot of stuff with the main course as well, which is a good hack, respect.

It's basically a deconstructed roast.

Yeah.

Say she was drinking out of her bottle of water and

completely tilted back, drinking the water.

And very briefly, just for that one comment about the deconstructed roast, I just tipped forward, put the bottle of my mouth, said, while looking at Ed, it's like a deconstructed roast, and then put the bottle back into her mouth while still looking at it.

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Your dream side dish then.

You've got a lot of sides with that main, but I imagine you've got another side dish lined up.

Those were the ones, the potatoes, the sorry, the chips, the cheesy lakes.

If you're giving me, if I have another option.

Oh, you don't have to.

If you want it to be...

No, I'll take it off.

It's going.

Yeah.

I'll squeeze on because I was concerned that none of my things had pasta on it.

I love pasta.

So I'll throw on there a wild card truffle jalapeno mac and cheese is that from a place have you had that before or have you made that or have you never had it and you've just invented it i've definitely had truffle mac and cheese yeah had jalapeno i don't know i've had it i've had it together but i always like when i'm having truffle fuck i wish this was spicy yeah

yeah you love spice yeah i love spice you're adding spice to everything you've got a spicy drink yeah you add your tabasco on your three types of tabasco tabasco on those stars you got some spicy dips for the popadoms

and the lamb you're like i'd have chimichuri on the side of that that yeah you're you're wanting to spice everything up yeah and do you know what was england really done that for me when i first moved here i couldn't even eat hot doritos and um through the cultural landscape of this country i have really went up on the spiceometer now i would say i'm like the most hardcore at all my friends know about spice or how do they do they all look up to you like sometimes i'd be scared

i'd be scared to cook for them in case it's too spicy but they are like oh my god sirsha you can take so much spice oh god sirsha you know there's no nothing you can't handle um i hear that

you're on fire

how's um how's little shit bag with spice not good at all shit bag handle spice no ibs just like yeah you don't want little shit bag to like or cry little shit bag keeps it all battled up

as a little shit bag should as a little shit bag should i mean it snaps every once in a while Oh the bag snaps.

Yeah no little shitbag just snaps.

You can't take it anymore.

Oh I thought you meant the bag snaps open.

Loads of shit.

No,

he's never opened up.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He keeps it all inside.

Yeah.

He keeps it all inside.

Yeah.

Sometimes he snaps.

That's that scoring the prawn or anyway.

He'll just like he'll like float up and smack him across the face and then come back down again.

That'll be the end of episode.

Big revelation that little shitbag can float.

Little shitbag only floats.

Little shipbag's got no legs.

It hovers with the shadow below him.

It's good that we know that though.

Yeah.

So curious what

I was thinking.

Oh, God.

I love Little Shipbag.

I know.

So cute.

I think Little Shipbag would be my favorite character in the cartoon, but I'd appreciate that Scroll on the Brawn has to be there for the dynamic.

If you had to invent characters for Ed and I to be in this world,

cameos in the first place.

The quickest.

I was not expecting that.

Straight away to James.

You'd be a duck.

You'd be a duck for sure with really, really long legs and a tiny wee body.

What's his name?

Flapper.

Flapper.

Flapper.

Yeah, Flapper the Duck.

Flapper the Duck with really long legs and the tiny wee body.

Yeah, I love it.

And you'd be a ruler.

A ruler?

Just a ruler.

Just a little ruler called Shumpy.

Shumpy the ruler.

Because I think you're like urban but measured.

Yeah, that's why.

Like a ruler.

Like a ruler.

Oh, I'm glad I'm a ruler, actually.

Yeah, and I'm glad you didn't think of that as quickly as you thought of James being a duck.

Yeah.

A ruler and a duck walking around together.

Give your wee duck head the exact same hairstyle that you can't know.

Good.

Yeah.

That's good.

Very generous of you to refer to this as a style.

Yeah.

Literally.

Done nothing to it today, so whatever this this is, I don't even know what it's doing.

Do not go on and ask for anything specific in the hairdresser.

I'd say, give me what we did last time, and then every now and again, I'll put something in it.

Today is not one of those days, yeah.

I've just uh woke up.

Yeah, it's a fit at the top.

Oh, yeah, shout out to the person who cut it.

Hey, did you ever have a night check shaved under your head?

No, I didn't, funnily enough.

Do I come across?

No, I didn't know that.

That was a big thing underneath us, and he shaved under the side of boys' heads, and all the gears are going, oh my god, he's got his new night tick on.

The girls loved it.

Capitalism home.

So it was a good thing.

So girls liked the night tick.

Yeah, you were and did the night tick.

It was around the Spice Boy era.

It was part of it, really.

And all the gears had diamonds on their teeth.

It was such a trendy time, wasn't it?

And that's all coming back in now.

Yeah, it is coming back in, actually.

I might get a night tick.

You should bring it back.

I should get a night tick.

How do you think your wife would react if you came home tonight, but you still had the same thickness

and fluff at the side of all the rest there, but just you had to shave just one patch out and just do the night tick at the side?

How do you think she would react?

You didn't tell her and you came on from the side of your side and then you just went to bed that night and you went, oh, and you lay over and night check tight.

Good night.

Good night.

She's still not noticing.

I bet she wouldn't notice and I'd have to say good night to draw attention to it.

Constantly doing that in the mornings, doesn't notice.

Nike to see you.

Yeah, nice to see you too, Feel there.

Tired this morning.

I don't want to get up.

I guess I'll just do it.

Look at my fucking head.

I think she'd find it quite funny, but I don't think, I think it would be like, okay, but today is the day you get rid of the Nike tick, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Americans are going to be furious at us right now.

Why?

Do Americans really love Nike?

No, because we're not saying Nike.

I actually do say Nike and Long and Longesteen.

Of course, you don't.

He is right there to say Nike, to be fair.

Well, it is Nike.

It's named after this Greek god, isn't it?

Or something?

Nike.

Bike is kind of bikey.

I would go for a ride on my bikey.

Absolutely.

I would never say I'm going for a ride on my bikey.

I'm going to get on my bikey and get a Nike tick shake into my.

I'm liking my bikey.

I've never heard.

I heard say that.

Exactly.

Your dream drink, Siria.

I mean,

you've had the Bloody Mary, but one of my drinks is that.

But that's the little bonus.

Is this another spicy drink?

No, but I'll have a multi-puccino, the bottle.

Oh, what?

Multi-puccino?

Italian red.

Italian red.

Okay.

Yeah.

I like it because it's fun.

I don't know red wines very well.

And last time we were, when we did our live shows in Dublin, we had Tommy Tiernan on.

You know him.

I know him.

And

yeah.

And

he chose pooching.

Poochin, pooching, pooching.

Poching.

Poching.

So when you said that,

poching.

Poching.

I once got accused of drinking poching when I was a teenager and I just had licorice.

My friend's mum was like, I fucking know you're having poching.

Let me smell your breath.

And I panicked so much I breathed through my nose, even though I hadn't done anything wrong.

I just had like a licorice ulcer.

And she was like, Gersh, you were drinking poching.

And I was like, oh, I was eating licorice.

She was like, do you expect me to believe that you were eating licorice?

And I was like, actually, that's hard to believe.

I know I'm 12, but I don't like licorice.

Do you expect me to believe that you've been eating licorice?

I'm 12.

Yeah.

But it's sort of grand and grand to sweet, doesn't it?

Sure.

So it's like, what, what 12 year old's going about eating licorice?

Sure.

Me.

Like a babino carry.

Do you?

And for everything, really, for perfume, like old people's smells, and for food, like the

more vintagey style basket.

I'll always go for that.

And I love like peckled stuff, stuff like Warfoot.

Yeah.

I love all that.

What age do you think you're going to get to where everything that you like makes sense with your age?

Well, will it ever?

Because then I'll be the same age as all the other my contemporaries will still like the things that they liked.

Whereas I'll just be on my own then with all those people that like the same things as me.

We'll all be dead

by the time I'm that age.

But will the other people's tastes not evolve to be the sort of older tastes?

I can see that sort of happening a little bit, but I think it's all done in a very modernized way.

Like people are recently getting and do like a bit of pickled spread on things at fancy restaurants.

But it's like,

would you eat Branston pickle with a spoon?

Do you have a bowl of cauliflower pickle?

No, you don't.

So you're modernizing it.

It's not like wartime.

Yeah.

Do you drink bovril?

Do you drink bovril?

If it's there, I'll definitely have a bovril on the go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your friends love it.

it.

I like a bovril.

Yeah, I like a bovrill when you're filming.

Yeah, when I'm filming when you're freezing, I'm always filming outside in a money scare.

Why you don't stank after bovril?

You got beef breath.

Jack Nicholson never, if somebody

brushes teeth before going on set, I obviously chew chewing gum, but some I don't have time to brush my teeth.

Sensodine?

You love sensodine, you plugged it early.

I wouldn't be sensodine at work because it's whatever the mecha bartists would have on them.

So I wouldn't be possible at work, but

would line my teeth and I would be sensitive once a week.

Yeah.

If you're really worried don't worry I've got it covered

worry about all this bovrille because it's a nightmare having sensitive teeth you'll be walking around

trying to guard them from the wind if you're an actor it can't be that every character you're playing has sensitive teeth yeah

you know so you're a beef breath beef breath on no no no a bit conscious of my breath because i'm an ex-smoker so i'm always conscious of my breath still even though the ptsd

from it still makes me always be like oh gotta check in with myself so that when you said the name of the wine which i've already forgotten because i've never heard it before i thought you were talking about a fancy version version of that drink that i can't pronounce multi pucciano yeah that's the name of the wine yeah so when you said that i thought of the pochin no no no no it's not pachin when you said that i thought oh that's a really fancy version

of yeah there's a tried paching no no i've just heard i heard tommy speak about it You can get lovely patchings that are like not as hard, but like it has rock and feel.

Yeah.

It's really, really, really intense.

I don't want that.

Yeah.

I don't want to speed up how drunk I'm getting.

Like, I want to, like, yeah.

I don't understand shots.

Unless it's vinaigrette.

Yeah.

Unless it's vinegar, but I don't understand alcoholic shots.

I'm not here for it.

I always lie when someone gives me a shot and throw it over my shoulder.

Someone's not behind me, or I'll sput it back under the cup because I don't want to ruin the balls.

So it depends on who it does.

I only do that for people I care about if it's their birthday or something.

Yeah.

So I'll never do a shot.

I might do tequila.

I might if I'm in a good mood, which is rare.

So,

but you'll take sometimes if the person, it's their birthday, you really care about them.

Yeah.

You'll do the shot to join in.

Or if it's tequila.

And then gobb it.

And only if I'm on a very nice bar.

Yeah.

But then gob it back into the glass.

If it's in a nice bar and it's expensive, tequila, I'll drink it.

Yeah.

If I have the lime and the salt, if I'm on a nightclub, I'm spatting it back onto the cop.

I'm throwing it over down my shoulder.

Yeah.

I agree with you about about shots.

Yeah.

Awful.

Because it's always disgusting tasting stuff as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyone who brings like surprise sambuka shots.

Oh,

the worst people in the world.

Yeah.

They're the worst.

Those people are absolute dickheads.

Even the smell of sambuka, even talking about it, is making me whoa.

Yeah.

Do you know what else I've quite licoricy, though?

Hate.

Yeah, you love that.

But I really don't like it.

Anna CD.

Yeah.

No, it's a gold slanger that's Anna CD.

Do you know Gold Slanger?

Everybody used to drink it as teenagers.

The one because it's got like flakes of gold in it.

Yeah, No, it gets you drunk or it slices your throat.

Slicer thumbs.

Trek do lock do.

What?

Body chew for?

You know, um, and Trek, when they get up to the meme machine, do you not remember that butter Trek?

Where it's like

brush your teeth, washer, and then they're about to flash and then face.

i can't say i remember that but i remember that no no no speaking about track and my new show i've got to be lord far qual wig great and it's very very very funny so in like

wow so you were you were is it specifically far quick that wasn't their attention but like

i'm the ringer of lord farquha

you could be far quiet in a live action show

so this i mean we should talk about the wine a bit more shouldn't we because like i mean ed knows about wine it won't surprise you to know about it you don't drink wine I do drink it, but I don't mean know much about it.

The ruler knows more than the duck about the wine.

I think, yeah, I don't know a huge amount about wine.

I really enjoy wine, but then like, I think, like, like you've done, you find a type of wine that you enjoy.

So, if someone says, what do you want?

If you're in a bar and you're in a restaurant, at least you can go, I know I've liked that in the past.

I'll have that one.

Exactly.

Yeah.

What is it about this particular wine that is the winning of the day for you?

I've discovered the older I've got that like Spanish wines, this is going to be the bougiest thing I've ever said, Spanish wines are very sore in my stomach after all.

Really?

I think the tannins in them are too strong.

I've had a couple of bad experiences on the Spanish wine.

I've still drank a lot of them in Spain obviously.

But I like multi-picciano because it's thin, doesn't catch to your lipstick, which as a lady is important.

You don't want red wine lips.

And I think it goes with most dishes.

And I think like it's it's a lighter body, basically.

I like a lighter body.

Great.

Yeah.

Like this because it spreads around your mouth more.

Which wines stick most to lipstick?

Oh, yeah.

It's not an angle we've heard on the podcast.

No, really.

Rianca is desperate for sticking to your lapstick.

Malbake is up there too.

Merlot desperate for sticking deer lapstick.

But Riyako is really bad.

It basically becomes lipstick.

And that's always whenever anyone's talking, like, you know, you arrive at a party

a bit later than everyone else, and someone comes up to you and talks to you and they think they're nailing the whole conversation and they don't know that their lips are purple.

But would you not tell somebody?

I would always tell somebody because I think Hector once told me that a good friend always talks to you when you've got shit in your face.

And I, even if I'm not friends, if someone just trying to...

It must be difficult for him with shit back.

Little shitbag.

It must be constantly happening to score the porn.

On your face.

I know.

I am shit.

This is all so good.

I'm glad we're recording this so you can go and write the pilot.

Score the porn and milk.

This is Hector's brainchild.

I would just say that this was just me.

Yeah, no, no, no.

Would you ever

go into work?

I mean, would you ever like, you know, collaborate with a party?

I mean, you don't want to turn your relationship into work, do you?

Work, no.

But then there could be a lot of people.

We're getting married, so like, let's get them nailed first and then look onto the business ventures and

then bring up on the honeymoon.

Lock it down, score the porn,

little shitbag cartoon.

Yeah, I would tell someone, like, if I knew them really well,

I might tell Ed.

I would tell a stranger if I just met you today.

Yeah, I would if you'd tell them something on your face they saw a bent.

Just to let you know you've got a weed button in your face.

Yeah.

Or at least either one of you.

Almost.

The red wine lips, I don't know if I would, because I would think, I don't know if there's anything they can do about that.

Like, if they've got something

stuck to their face.

But if they've got red wine lips, I don't know.

I just feel a bit judgier.

judgier if i didn't know someone i went oh you've got red wine lips by the way every time you've walked away with in your face you walk away and you think what a cunt they doesn't tell me you do don't you not with the lips though if i if i looked in the mirror i had red wine lips i go

i wouldn't i wouldn't expect them to tell me that i'd expect them to tell me if there was like

a stranger i would grab them by one arm and i'd go sorry i just did it you know you've got a bunch of red wine in your locks jesus it happens to all of us see that's a lovely way of doing it exactly i think i'd definitely take that from you if if james did it to me i'd be livid it happens to the best of us you've got the wide lips yep i'd go yes i'm drinking red wine red wine all over your lips

i know i know actually that's what i do

one of the worst i'd just go i'd go yeah yeah i know yeah i know i do i like it i love it it's cool

i'm not even gonna wash my face at the end of the day i'm gonna keep it like that go to sleep

good night

I love that we've just throughout this major bedtime routine so weird

red face and a big Nike taxi with it.

Good night, everybody.

Go to sleep with a pencil case.

Yeah.

I was just about to say that.

Your white buzz is up y up.

Yeah.

My transparent ruler or like a metal one or a wood one?

No, you've got a blue tint.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

So quick.

That was quick.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got it all flattened out.

You've got a slight band.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Bad back.

Yeah.

I've got a bad back.

I've got a bad back, yeah.

Wobbly ruler, yeah, yeah.

Oh, a wobbly ruler.

One of those, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A woola.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

I am going to have

from a famous ice cream parlour in Dairy.

I think it's one of the oldest

months in Dairy called Florentines, and I will be having a Neckerbacher Glory.

Now,

obviously, everyone will be very glad you've chosen something from Dairy as well.

How long have you been going to this ice cream parlour for?

That is like honestly one of the most staple memories.

All my early memories.

Not every memory.

My parents took me out of the shop as well.

We didn't love there.

It'd be really weird if every memory was from Florentines.

If my family.

And then I discovered, I imagine, on this podcast, I realised, fuck, I was held hostage in Florentines for so long.

It's another good film, film, my dear.

Yeah.

Health hostage in an ice cream shop.

Yeah.

Wheel scream for ice cream.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Call it that.

I love that.

It's a good film.

Brain freeze.

So I would have a knickerbocker glory with a flake and the chocolate sauce, the strawberry sauce.

Again, all the sauces, dips, whatever.

We weren't going to go, do you mean dips?

Incredible condiments.

Ice cream dips.

Ice cream.

What else?

The tongue's the the dip for ice cream.

Yeah.

That's true.

Hang on, the tongue's the dip.

Yeah, because the ice cream's dipping under the tongue.

Is that how you think of eating?

The food is dipping into your tongue.

Right, okay.

What else is in the Knickerbocker glory then?

Talk us through it.

Because can you have any ice cream in there in Florentini's?

No, no.

Not with the Knickerbocker glory.

Just straight up.

Actually, I've never questioned it.

A beggar thinker like you probably could.

No.

You've not questioned it because of Stockholm Syndrome.

No, it just comes with your standard.

I'm pretty sure it's like Italian Mr.

Whippy ice cream and

glory from Florentines, and it's got ground down flakes, which I'm sure it's not called ground down, smashed flakes, and then jelly, red jelly, green jelly, more ice cream on top,

some smarties, some different sweets, more ice cream, more ground down flake, more sauce.

What's the sauce?

The sauce is rimmed up the glass, so you're getting sauce throughout and then ground down flake on top

my stomach's rumbling talk

of walker cloids i think we get

and then more sauce on top with two flakes and then they put in these like lovely like wee party sticks with like a wee fanfare situation on top salvating

the wee fanfare situation on top and a long spoon so it's quite like elegant when you're eating it you're like whoa

and it's soft serve it's soft serve ice cream

delicious it's delicious

and the sauce is like strawberry chocolate all three strawberry chocolate and green greens green i don't know what it is no

i don't know what the green is i don't know what green is green for ireland yeah it's green for ireland yeah is it like is it mint it's not minty it's more like apple-y okay yeah apple-y which is strange isn't it yeah it's weird yeah it can't be applesauce but like maybe apple in the kind of like sense of like it's not applesauce it's bright green and it's thin yeah yeah it's like aesthetic apple.

So it's like, yeah, like a haribo apple.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what it is.

Delicious.

It sounds absolutely brilliant.

I remember the first time I heard about Knickerbocker Glories was in a kid's book.

I can't remember what it was.

It might be a Roll Dial book or something like that.

I'd never had them before.

And all I could think about after having that book read to me, I think, was I have to have one of those.

And every time we were somewhere, it was dessert time, I'd be like, do they have Knickerbocker Glories?

And they never did.

And I was always asking, I don't know.

Do you know what?

I'm not even sure if I've had one to this day.

Oh, my God.

I think I must have at some point.

I was like, that was Jamie Oliver.

Every time I went onto Saintsbury's, I was like, do you know Jamie Oliver?

Do you know him?

After I've seen the others.

That story is not as closely linked to James's story as you thought it was.

Okay, okay.

But I want to hear about it.

Yeah.

I was a child once, and it's something completely different that happened to me.

Yeah, I I took one knew Jamie Oliver.

Jamie Oliver.

Well, when he was like the face of Sainsbury's, you were so desperate to meet him that you would ask.

Sainsbury's was open and undaring and I thought, oh my god, it's my open.

I'm going to meet Jamie Oliver.

Don't know why I was so obsessed with Jamie Oliver.

So you were asking the staff at the Derry Sainsbury's if they knew Jamie Oliver.

Yeah.

And what would they say?

No, he's not here today.

Not here today.

So it's like, that's like Santa Claus.

Yeah.

That's like people telling you, yeah, so they're keeping you going.

They're keeping you going.

Did you ever get your Nakibaka glory?

I think I must have at some point.

I still think of it as like the best like ice cream.

Yeah.

Like, because it was cemented in my head is that even though I'm not ordering them, I still think like when someone says it, I'm like, yeah, I've got the original and the best.

The best Sunday.

It's a knickerbocker glory.

It is.

I mean, it's like the...

When you think of like an ice cream, even if it's like a cartoon in your head, it's a knickerbocker glory, isn't it?

Because it's got like the cherry on top.

It's got like cream or whatever on top with a long glass with a long spoon.

I love it.

Love it.

Yeah.

Had them in bridlington quite a lot oh lovely there you go i i feel like someone told me why they're called knickerbocker glories recently and i've forgotten and i'm really annoyed at myself because i'm now on a podcast where it's come up yeah not yet and not any podcast the podcast that i co-host with ed gamble and uh the food podcast i do with ed yeah the food podcast that i do with ed some people um have a go at me for saying that sometimes i i meet people for the first time or whatever and they'll be like what you up to and i'll be like oh stand-up gigs and um the podcast that i do with ed and they'll be like just call it off menu man we know what you're talking about why are they still on a craft I don't know because they feel like James is uh hiding his light in a bushel and that you know that is an English expression I have never heard when I thought that hiding is light in a bushel under a bushel I think yeah I'm not a big lady for shining my light yeah

big woman big woman

I'm not a big woman for boasting yeah

oh fair yeah if if you've not heard the phrase hiding your light under a bushel it is a a weird thing to hear for the first time, I'd imagine.

And I don't really know what it means.

Is a bushel an old word for bush?

I don't know.

Like Nike.

I'm going to get a bushel shaved in my hair.

But he's just going to show me why Knickerbocker Glory is called Knickerbocker Glory, although he's mouthed to me that it's so boring.

But I think I still have to know.

It's thought to be named after the Knickerbocker Hotel in Manhattan.

That's interesting, man.

I assumed it was like a British thing.

There you go.

I thought it would have been American, like

a ruined wobbles, actually.

Manhattan, eh?

I would have thought America.

Go read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

You want sparkling water, scratch the tongue.

You would like pop noms with loads of dips.

You want franks, lime pickle, green dip, yogurt dip, sambal, a lot of it, a lot of jars of that.

Star, you want six oysters from Ireland with a vinaigrette from the Italian Fish Club in Liverpool, three Tabasco sauces, and Lungersteins

with garlic butter.

No one scored them that.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd throw an extra one in there.

Lungesteens.

Yeah.

Sounds gross.

Make course the lamb.

That's a good

character.

What?

Lungerstein?

A longesteen, a long on a shale.

Hang out with scorn the prawn, you reckon?

Lungy?

Or they'd be enemies.

Yeah, there'd be enemies, actually.

You want the lamb from the the Devonshire with herbie sauce, and you want to add some chimichurri on there with cheesy leeks, goose fat chips, and a bowl of rockets, and a Bloody Mary from First Aid Box.

Side dish, truffle jar.

Clarify, Bloody Mary.

Clarify.

Clarify

truffle jalapeno, mac and cheese as your side dish.

Drink, you would like a obviously monteciano.

Bucciano.

A dessert, you want a knickerbocker glory from Florentini's in dairy.

Yeah, amazing.

That's a great menu.

A delicious menu.

And, you know, people won't know what order that we record these episodes in, but I think you're the fifth episode we've recorded this week.

And it's nice to actually hear something that is edible

and

sounds delicious because everyone else is like they've never had food before.

And we're going to have to space those episodes out.

Otherwise, we're going to be dropping subscribers like no one's business do we have subscribers

honestly if we put out the episodes we've done this week in a row people are gonna be sick

and your yours will be a blessed relief so yeah for many reasons thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant sisha thank you thank you so much sish

what an episode

Absolutely loved that that chat, James.

Oh, it's fantastic.

I was laughing throughout, throughout, but also those dishes all sounded delicious.

Yeah, it's the dream ep, really.

It's the dream ep.

You're laughing and you're hungry at the same time.

You're thinking, hmm, I'm going to get something to eat after this.

But I'm not in too much of a rule.

The duck is hungry.

The duck is hungry.

Let me tell you, this ruler's rumbling.

Who used the ruler to measure my long legs?

Yeah.

Yeah, love that.

She was brilliant.

And of course, she didn't say brown coddle.

Didn't say brown coddle.

Thank you for not saying that.

Thank you.

Sircha.

And that means we can all go and watch the Decameron.

Yes, I'm going to watch the DeCameron on Netflix.

It starts on July 25th.

That's very, very soon.

Depending when you listen to this, I guess.

I mean, most of you, you know, most, I guess, in...

a majority of the future it's out now yes yeah yeah and we always go with the majority of the future yeah always go with the majority of the future yeah odds are it's out now yes so go and watch the decameron odds are it's out now majority of the future my uh deliverer is on its way so that's exciting probably just just wrap up yeah yeah probably just wrap up um

have a good day everyone and um

i guess uh i don't know yo you never know i gotta go and get this what the day may bring i gotta go get this delivery uh he's one minute away stay open stay open to opportunities and um

and uh

always uh look on the bright side because you never know what you're gonna get see you next week bye

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.