Ep 254: Michelle de Swarte

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the prawn of conversation, dunking it in the tempura batter of humor, frying it in the oil of the internet until you get a light and crispy podcast batter.

That is it, Gamble.

My name is James Acastle.

Together we own a dream restaurant.

And every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever, start a main course, dessert, cider, shit, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Michelle DeSwart.

Michelle DeSwart is an absolutely fantastic stand-up comedian.

She acts as well, James.

She writes.

She's a multi-hyphener.

She used to be a model.

She's done it all.

Her new series, Spent, is out now on BBC2.

And I'd imagine you can get it on the iPlayer as well.

Yeah, watch it on both.

Very excited to talk to Michelle about food and what she enjoys.

Always like gigging with Michelle.

She is a genuinely brilliant stand-up comic.

She has so many bits that I love.

Her scented candle bit particularly.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's very, very funny.

So to perform it now?

Nope.

Also, even though we like Michelle, if she says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's just how it's going to go.

But I mean, good luck.

She's very authoritative.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

She's going to be the alpha today.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

100%.

I'll try.

I'm going to try and stick up for myself.

Do you think you've ever been the alpha in any situation, James?

And I say this as someone who probably hasn't either.

Yeah, like, I think, I feel like every episode of this I am, no?

Yeah, that's true, actually.

In your head, you're the alpha, and that's all that matters.

Yeah, I think that's...

That's my whole, if people look at my whole career,

they go, in his head is the alpha.

Yeah.

Which is all that means you are the alpha.

Yeah, that's all that matters, really.

I think that means you are the alpha.

So unfortunately, we might have to try and kick Michelle out if she says the secret ingredient, which we have pre-decided upon.

And we're going with calling it just the shredded white stuff.

Shredded white stuff.

You sometimes get it like a box of sushi.

In a bottle of sushi, a box of sushi.

A box of sushi, yeah.

It's to pad it out, I think.

I don't know if you're supposed to eat it.

It's very tasteless.

Sometimes I'll, if I'm, you know, no one's watching, I'll dip it in soy sauce and eat it.

But then really, I'm just eating soy sauce on some shredded up daikon, I think it is.

And I don't mind Daikon when it's supposed to be eating when it's prepared, but when it's just like shredded and sushi, it's getting in the way, man.

Yeah, I've had it before.

In other things, it's nice.

Shredded Daikon.

Daikon Alley.

Yeah.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

Absolutely disgusting.

So if Michelle says shredded daikon, she is leaving the dream restaurant.

I wonder if Michelle will say shredded daikon.

I don't know man we'll have to find out remember in Willow did you watch Willow when you were a kid

yeah I think I did watch Willow when I was a kid they call I watched it like loads it's one of the films I watched the most as a kid I watch it all the time yeah and they'd call humans humans daikinis yeah

and uh yeah we used to we used to call each other that yeah my brother and sister yeah little did you know you were talking about a Japanese radish yeah we didn't know that one day I would hate yeah but yeah and I remember the the brownie and they're called the brownies these are like tiny like borrowers, and he's taunting.

He's like, I stole the baby from you, Dikini, while you were having a piece.

And we thought that was so funny.

Yeah, but now you love brownies and you hate Dikini.

You hate Dikini.

I love eating a brownie.

So, will Michelle say that?

It's doubtful, but let's chapter anyway.

Looking forward to this one.

This is the off-menu menu of Michelle DeSwart.

Welcome, Michelle, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hiya.

Welcome, Michelle Deswa, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thanks.

You look absolutely overawed to be in the Dream Restaurant.

I am, yeah.

I'm very happy to be here.

Slight, slight energy shift.

Yes, there is.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

Went into this.

Yeah, we have quite, I mean, a lot of podcasts are quite chill and they want to be like a sort of regular conversation.

What we like to do is shout in our guest's face and put them on edge immediately.

Yeah.

I'm into it.

yeah it's energizing yeah well you've had quite the morning you lost your air pods case I didn't lose them I just put the AirPods in and left the case but that's like throwing you off

it is yeah the thing is I'll do it a lot and then I've got two sets of AirPods and I'll just then I'll pick up the other case and I won't have the pods in it and yeah it's a vibe keeps me on my toes why have you got two pairs of airpods because i got given a pair for free for some promotional bs and so I'm constantly, you know, not charging up the right one.

You're promoting AirPods.

No, I got them from like Warner Brothers.

I was doing some like,

I did a show ages ago and then they it was like we were still sort of in lockdown but not really and they were just like we want to do this meeting but we want to make sure everything is set up for you so they sent me a light they sent me air pods and they sent me a mic and they sent me everything you should have asked for more you've been like i don't have a flat i need i need a laptop yeah yeah i should have yeah warner brothers is sending out stuff if Warner Brothers are listening I'd love to have a meeting

have a meeting with you send me a bunch of stuff that'd be great have you had a meeting with Warner Brothers Ed probably we've all had those pointless meetings haven't we yeah actually I remember you telling me that you went out to you went out to LA and just had loads of really good meetings yeah yeah yeah loads of good meetings yeah amazing meetings yeah

it's cool to hear what Ed says to like other acts who I've not met yeah because me and Michelle met for the first time but no we've met before we haven't met before yeah we have I haven't met you.

Yeah, we have.

We've met.

Do you want me to tell you where?

You did Clapham Grand.

That's where we met, actually.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

We met at Clapham Grand.

Yeah.

And we met there probably about a year ago.

And I said that I feel like you are the sort of person that like if I love Seinfeld, right?

And I feel like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where like Kramer was really worried about his cousin coming from England and he didn't think he had anything in common with him and then the cousin turned up and it was you and he spent the whole episode being like I just can't relate to him and Jerry and George and everyone else was like what do you mean it's like that's you you are the he's the British you that is perfect perfect casting for a start and an absolutely bang on Seinfeld storyline yeah and you're totally happy he was also wearing a funky shirt and then you did because we just met you went why would you say this to me when I'm about to go on stage and then that was our meeting I remember meeting I said have a good set the last thing you want to do is

I'm a member list you don't want to be compared to Kramer before you go on and do a story's long-lost cousin right episode

that's what's in your head right that's what's in your head you're about to walk on and someone who used to be a professional model goes you you look like kramer

and then you walk on yeah have a good set doing new material you're gonna crash it yeah i've gotta stay and watch i'm a big fan yeah

do you know what is what i think you went straight on stage and then dropped your mic So yeah, it was vibes.

Yeah, I think I did.

Deliberately or...

No, in Kramer fashion.

Coming through the door of Michelle.

Yeah, you went to catch it and dropped it.

It was wicked.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I definitely went on.

Yeah, threw it in the air.

Yeah, and tried to catch it, dropped it.

Yeah.

Started myself.

So how do you not remember that you've met Michelle Brown?

Well, I do.

This sounds quite eventful.

Yeah, I know.

Well, clearly what had happened is I just got to the venue just in time.

I was about to go on.

Someone I'd never met absolutely got in my head.

I went on and dropped my mic.

my brain has clearly tried to wipe this from my mic you know what when I watched it I went see that's a proper Kramer move that yeah yeah

yeah yeah I mean that didn't help yeah probably didn't help me think oh fuck I just dropped the mic just like Kramer

actually that's not what Kramer would do on stage and I'm glad yeah thanks

I didn't go that well this is why I said long lost cousin long lost yeah it's definitely vivid

that's what I was hinting at earlier but I just thought I'd let it ride out yeah yeah

how did you do it that gig I got there late oh it was all right I was a little bit like, I was in a bit of a weird headspace

last year because I was writing the show,

but I was still at gigs.

So I was like writing in the day and then tanking at night.

You were writing Spent.

Yes, yes.

Your series on BBC, right?

Yeah, BBC too.

Exciting.

Exciting times.

What can you tell the listeners about it?

Please watch it.

Okay.

Okay.

So we we did talk about the fictitious Seinfeld storyline.

But when it comes to your own real life sitcom, absolutely cards are the best.

It's a drama comedy

about Mia, who's like a model whose career's over and she's like moved back to London.

She's homeless, but

she's trying to...

you know, front it out like she isn't, but she's got all these sort of airs and graces and bougie ways.

And so comedy ensues.

How much is drawn from your real life?

Very loosely, very loosely, loosely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you were a model, right?

I was a model.

And I did move back here in 2019 with Fuckle to show for

my years of fashion.

So quite a lot's gone into it.

Quite a lot, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds pretty much exactly.

Is there an episode where you meet a stand-up comedian who looks a lot like Kramer?

No.

And you get in his head and he drops a microphone.

Oh, season two.

Season two, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

If anyone else gets that part, I'm going to get it.

Oh, man, please give it to Kramer.

Also, we have a description here of the of the show and very rare that uh a description of a show in 2024 has the phrase highfalutin in it it says she may have a highfalutin attitude wow that makes me want to watch the show immediately does it if there's language like that knocking around yeah highfalutin is highfalutin up there with like zanies just in one of them words you don't hear loads but like you should highfalutin to me I imagine like a cowboy saying it or like a someone in the old west being like

high falutin oh you coming around here with your highfalutin attitude.

I like that.

Season two, if you want to put an American character into it.

Ed Gamble.

A woman from the Old West?

Ed's American cousin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

You could just get loads of comedians playing their own cousins.

I like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, you are the first professional model we've had on the podcast, and it's a food podcast.

So it's quite exciting because we haven't heard someone from that world talk about food.

How much when you're a professional model are you thinking about what you're eating every day?

Do you know what?

I mean, I haven't modelled for nearly a decade now, but you a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Because you can't say that's all you're thinking about.

And also, like, you would do shows like in,

let's say you're in Milan, right?

And you're doing Versace and you're at the Versace house in Milan and they have this amazing spread.

And this is like when I was modelling was before like the body positivity movement.

So you were just, you know what i mean two eyeballs floating around

they would do this massive spread and you couldn't touch it and it was like it was like some fucked up psychological torture because you were like hungry but if you went near the table someone would look at you like you really gonna do that and you'd think no i'm not and you just put the tiny block of cheese back down and that is awesome float back to your to your sheer dress hanging up smoke some fags jesus yeah that does sound like hell why would they put it out there yeah what are they why Why would they let it all out?

Because they want to give the illusion that you can eat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They want to show that.

They can't really.

They're like looking after you and putting a spread on and stuff.

But the secret rule is no one's eating.

Yeah.

It's like how like here about companies you say like, you know what, you can all just go home whenever you like today.

Right.

Yeah.

And then it's like, oh, yeah.

Going home at four o'clock, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah.

We've got a games room.

No, you don't.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Anyone goes in the games room, they're five.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would guess legally they would have to feed Yeah, I mean, you'd sometimes you'd do jobs and they wouldn't feed you at all.

And you'd just be, you know, you'd some some model would like bring out a couple of fluffy raisins from her pocket and everyone would hustle around and be like, give me one.

Yeah.

Have you seen Triangle of Sadness?

Yeah, spot on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How do you think you'd do on the island?

If it if it's we're jumping straight to the island.

For people who don't know.

Quite a lot happens in between.

What?

Yeah.

We're talking about.

we always start with still a sparkling water Michelle yeah

oh is that enough I thought you was gonna give it to me

well there is some store water we're gonna give you none of this right

none of this this is like even worse than than being at the Versace house we're gonna make you talk about the food and you can't even see it oh no that's about right okay cool yeah I'll have um

I mean, I'd have tap water, but I do like sparkling water, but I'm trying to sort of phase it out.

It erodes your teeth, apparently.

I've heard this, but that can't be true, can it?

Yeah, it's true.

Well, it erodes your teeth, like acid.

Yeah.

Then why aren't they using it in like construction and stuff?

Why aren't they pouring

acid?

It's cheaper.

Evian's, you know, sparkling.

Sparkling water.

Period.

If you want to do a little bit of a little pellegrino, no, no, no, no, no.

Just pour a pellegrino around the foundations of a building.

You could probably destroy it.

Yeah.

You know?

That's cheaper.

I'll say tap water, please.

Which tap?

Well, hot, obviously.

Hot,

yeah.

Keep it fun and exciting.

No, I'd say I'd say tap water if I was like having a dinner do you know what I mean yeah still I actually don't know what you mean well still water you would like but

tap or still still water from a bottle please

do you have a a preferred brand and don't worry about sounding high for luten you can

no glass bottles a glass bottle's nice though it tastes different doesn't it it's a lovely thing it feels fancy having a glass bottle it does right the weight of the glass bottle But just the water tastes different, doesn't it?

It tastes better.

It does taste better.

How do you feel about the new revolution with canned water?

It takes a bit of getting used to.

It does.

Yeah, but I think there's something nice about being at a festival and having a can that looks like a beer and feeling like you're participating, but you're drinking water.

Yeah, and you've got a secret that you're actually hydrating.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Being like, hey, we're all friends, aren't we?

And then in the back of mind, thinking, your skin's going to look fucked up tomorrow to all your friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

everyone's like you have another one you're like yeah

i don't like uh liquid death do you not do you not like the concept or do you not like the taste the taste is fine but the branded and stuff i'm like what what are we doing here it's to trick the kids into drinking water it's pretty genius that's what that's what all the gen z's love they can't get enough of it well then call me gen z because i love liquid death yeah it's obviously the branding is so up my street yeah he loves metal yeah yeah it's perfect and they do a they do a sparkling one with lime a lime flavoured sparkling one one, which is so good.

I love it.

And I like that there's a size of cans of lava.

You don't want to go near that?

That's sparkling.

But you know, like a hint of, I'm like, just have a Coke.

No, I don't mind it.

I need more than a hint, I'll be honest, fruit-wise.

Right.

In sparkling water.

Because sometimes my wife brought back a can of Lacroix the other day.

Yeah, that's decent.

No, it's not.

There's not enough of...

That's a hint.

That's like someone's just whispered the word raspberry into some water.

But it sounds like you just want like a soda, like fizzy, like a fizzy drink,

like a tango.

I do like tango, yes.

But

I do also enjoy something that's clearly sparkling water, but with more than a hint or a whisper of the citrus.

You sound fun.

Look, I've got to get specific about these things.

Yeah.

And sometimes a tango's too much for me.

Right.

So what level are you talking?

More than a hint.

Yeah.

Less than a...

Less than an implication.

Right.

A squeeze?

Would you add your own like citrus, let's say?

Would you add your own lemon?

I would do if I've got time, but I'm a busy guy, you know?

Right.

Sometimes it's good to just get it in the can already.

On the go.

On the go.

Right.

Citrus on the go.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

You're not busy.

What?

I'm busy.

What are you doing?

I'm doing a podcast right now.

Do you think I've got time to sit?

I've got someone of the year.

Squeeze.

Do you think I've got time to squeeze a lemon right now?

No, I'm talking to Michelle DeSwart.

That's a good point.

Just have you not got time to squeeze a lemon right now.

Benito's just told us that we've been sent a load of liquid death.

I've taken that home.

yeah and are we taking it home and I go social to apologize

and so I should sorry liquid death I didn't know you were so generous to us before I slugged you off pop lobs or bread pop lobs or bread Michelle the sword pop lobs or bread um

I think I'll go for a

pop-a-dom you thought you were gonna scare Michelle yeah after the first honestly after the first 15 minutes of conversation you thought Michelle was gonna be phased by anything you did maybe I'll get her no absolutely not absolutely just

not even didn't even blink.

Looked at me.

I'll go for a pop-a-dom.

I'd get it if it's like a complimentary pop-a-dom, yeah.

Or I'd have bread, because that's spread, innit?

Bread with butter.

Pop-a-dom's complimentary, yeah.

But I wouldn't order it.

What are you talking about?

Bread with butter, innit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, fair enough.

If I was going to pay for it and order it, I would order bread.

But if pop-a-doms came to the table complimentary, I'd be like, this is lovely.

touch can have all the dips please in that case do you want it that pop-a-doms all the dips comes complimentary but you can also buy bread and butter those are my choices and it's it's both of them depending on the situation okay we'll tell you the situation you're not paying for this oh sweet can have both yeah cool thank you yeah yeah yeah you can yeah you can have both do you want us to do you want loads of sort of new models in the corner when this is all being brought out having to watch you eat all of it yeah yeah crush up all the pop-a-doms in my hand and then just chuck them them out of them.

Make it rain, bitches.

Yeah,

soon you can start a life of comedy and eat whatever you want, but until then,

when you were screwing it up and throwing it at them, you went with make it rain, bitches.

I was imagining you like feeding ducks.

Yeah, oh, that's what I went with.

That's nice, yeah, rather than make it rain, bitches.

Cool.

I wouldn't imagine them from what you said earlier about people gathering around the fluffy raisins.

I think it'd be more like more like throwing it into like a cage of wasps, like just them going nuts, trying to eat it all out the sky.

A cage of wasps?

Yeah.

When have you ever seen a cage of wasps?

I'll tell you what the problem is.

My business.

In terms of keeping wasps in a cage, innit?

I thought you said cave and I was like, proper.

Can you foresee any problems with trying to keep wasps in a cage?

You don't know how close the bars are together?

Yeah, it could be like a tea bag, like perforated.

It's like a perforated

cave.

That's not a cage, is it?

That's a tent.

This is like cheese wire, but they're so close together.

Yeah.

So we can see into it, but the wasps can't get through it.

I think if we can see into it, the wasps can get through.

No way.

They can't.

I think

the cheese wire would have to be so close that it's basically a wall at that point or a fence.

Well, the popadoms can get through it.

Okay.

The poppadom does can.

Only the smallest fragments, but that's all you need to keep you going, just to tide you over.

Do you want a cage of wasps in the corner of your meal?

Your dream meal?

Nah, you're all right.

Thanks.

Hmm.

Are you pro-wasp, anti-wasp, or are you sort of neutral about wasps?

I don't mind them at all.

Yeah, so

it's like going somewhere and worrying about getting mugged.

It's like if you do, you're going to get mugged.

If you're walking down the road being, I'm going to get mugged.

I'm really worried about getting you, you're going to get mugged.

If you just are chill, and that's how I think with wasps and bees, just be chill.

You ever been mugged?

No.

And you think that's because you've never worried about it?

No, I think it's because I've got an awareness of it, but I'm not fearful to the point of drawing attention to myself and thinking, is that person worried about getting mugged?

They look like a great candidate for mugging.

You don't give off the mug me pheromones.

Because, you know, muggers can smell that, can't they?

They can smell the fear.

Yeah.

Like wasps.

Just like wasps.

Yeah.

What's heavier?

Cage of muggers or a cage of wasps?

We need an amount.

Yeah, we do need an amount of muggers and an amount of wasps.

10 kilograms.

Well, they weigh the same.

It was a trick question.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best best phone deals

three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only additional terms and conditions apply for all offers

your dream starter Michelle because it's my dream right okay so it would be a triple melon lost mary vape and a cup of coffee

You could take the girl out of modelling.

Yeah.

We didn't have vapes in my day.

I wish I was rewind to earlier

you saying bring up a standard comedian eat whatever you want

what's a dream starter a vape and a coffee

please

that is fantastic it's the first time that uh that vape has been on anyone's dream menu i'll be honest i'm not a fan of a starter just bring me yeah all the food yeah yeah it actually does my head in and if we're at a table and one person was a starter piss off i don't even want to eat with you now well that'd be me because it's so inconsiderate yeah if that was me because I'd want a starter because I'm a starter boy I love starters yeah and if I was at a table of people who didn't want a starter I would order a starter but I would ask for my starter to be brought with my main that gave me the ick you know

that I'm a starter boy yeah yeah no it would do yeah my wife says that so yeah I would ask for my starter to be brought with the with the main yeah that's nice that's considerate that's considerate yeah Would you want your vape to be brought with the main or would you?

No, I'd say if let's say I'm with you a starter boy, I'd say you crack on with that.

Yeah.

And because you've been inconsiderate, I too am going to match that by vaping

by you.

Yeah, yeah.

Eat your starter.

But then also I vape, so you know, maybe I'd just have the same starter as you.

You wouldn't.

You wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't have triple melon, no.

But you would order a starter.

I would order a starter.

You wouldn't just go, yeah, I'll draw you with the vape.

And you are now magically holding a vape as well.

Yeah.

And it is the triple melon?

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Do you stick to that flavour?

Get started again, because like I've stopped, I've been hypnotised multiple times.

So I've just not, yeah, I just like I just started vaping again in March and I was just gonna do it for a little while, but I'm in proper now.

So there's a shop at the end of my road that does five vapes for £20.

So now I'll just go in there and I'm like, I was doing a sort of pick a mix where I was like, I'll get a grape, I'll get a Vimto one, I'll get a mango one.

And now I'm like, just I'm having that, thank you.

Five triple melons.

Yeah, five triple melons.

Let's go.

Can we go back to you being hypnotised three times?

Well, maybe more, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

You've forgotten some of them.

Yeah, yeah.

I've read the Alan Carr book.

Nah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it does work.

Just how he got into comedy and stuff.

Yeah.

Alan Carr.

The no-smoking book.

The give up smoking forever and ever.

Alan Carr?

Yes,

he was a doctor called Alan Carr, and it's the doctor.

Alan Carr is the easy way to give up smoking.

Not not.

No, not that, but.

Also, when someone brings up Alan Carr, the doctor, who helps you give up smoking, it's a law that you then have to make a joke about Alan Carr, the comedian.

I imagine.

I'm glad I know that law now.

But

I've got the audiobook of Easy Way to Give Up Vaping.

Oh.

Because I'm going to try and give up vaping.

But they have just taken the smoking one and just replaced all of the word cigarette with vape.

Yeah, I mean, there's the easy way to stop drinking and the easy way to stop eating everything.

It's the same thing.

It's a cocaine one as well, you know?

Is it?

Yeah.

So I'd be interested to see what that one is, just replacing.

yeah.

I mean, that's that's pretty

extreme, yeah.

I'm sure that's a book you can get through quickly, yeah.

Yeah, because the point of the Alan Carr books is you keep doing the thing while you're reading the book, right?

They say at the beginning, don't don't try and stop straight away, read the book, and that's the appeal, yeah, because you're like, great, especially as I'm listening to the audiobook, I'll probably listen to one chapter in about two months.

Yeah, yeah, oh, really, yeah, yeah, taking it slow.

I've had days where I'm like, today is it, I'm just gonna listen to that all day.

Yeah, and then like a packet of fags later, seven hours.

I'm like,

ah,

yay me, that works.

Thank you, Alan.

Yeah.

So triple melon and a coffee for the starter.

What are the melons?

Do you know what?

What kind of melons is it if it's triple melon?

Do you know what?

I think it's just one melon three times.

No, it can't be.

It can't be.

Michelle, come on.

It can't be that.

Do you know what I haven't thought about it?

But in my head, I just thought three melons.

Not three different melons.

Three of them.

So they packed three melons worth of flavour into one vape is that what it is come on

if you had a double cheeseburger you wouldn't be like oh well what's the other burger it's just another burger

this triple melon is three melons but i think at least you can see the burgers in a double cheeseburger whereas that you can't see anything right

yeah so you're imagining three melons in there i'm saying not one papow two more melony yeah but why is it so hard to get your heads around because it is a vape so therefore

it's just one flavour.

So like, you just call it melon.

Yeah.

If it's a strong melon flavour, just call it melon.

But if it's three different types of melon you've put into it, then fair enough, call it triple melon.

But then wouldn't it be like, I don't know, I'm feeling more of a tri-melon or something.

Do you know what I mean?

But triple melon, it's just like, it's just extra melon.

It's two extra melons.

Well, yeah, I get both of your points.

Triple melon does maybe it's like 3x melon, like, you know, like triple straight.

Well, it is yellow.

Is there melons this colour?

I guess if you bought a melon, a cantaloupe, is it a cantaloupe?

Yeah, maybe.

What would that one be?

Like a honeydew.

Honey dew.

Honey dew.

Yeah, that.

There you go.

That's the three melons you'd like in your vapour.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, let's be honest, it doesn't taste of any of those melons anyway, right?

No.

It just tastes like chemicals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Delicious, delicious, sweet.

Yeah, yeah, that make you feel nice.

What would you, James?

If you vaped,

what would be your flavour, your dream flavour too?

Thank you for asking.

Bakewell pudding?

Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah.

I love a bake world pudding.

Yeah.

Do you eat the cherry on top?

That's a bakewell tart.

Oh, is it a bakewall tart?

I can fuck off.

Wait, what's a bakequal pudding then?

Yeah, you get bakewell.

It's like a much more like still almondy, but custardy as well.

It's pretty dirty, and there's a secret ingredient.

There's no icing on the top, either.

No icing on the top.

It's a proper like pudding.

Ed and I got one when we were on the run and Ed split it.

in half of his hands and we sat on a bench and ate it in the sun.

Really?

What just dry?

Is there anything creamy in it?

No, it's quite moist though.

It's very moist.

It's quite moist.

Is it a bakewood slice?

But brown?

No.

No, it's more of a...

No, no, no.

It's thicker than that as well, isn't it?

And we, yeah, and it was delicious.

But there's so many almonds in it and stuff that it stays really moist.

So is that like, it's more of a marzipan vape then, really?

No, no, no, not a bakewood pudding.

It would taste like marzipan, I think.

No, no, because it's like almondy and custody, sort of some vanilla-y kind of flavours to it as well.

Do you like a bakewood tart or is that like?

That's fine, but once you've had bakewell pudding, you can't go back to a baked wild tart.

Bake quartat's more like a necessity thing, like not necessity, but like you'd buy it in a shop, innit?

Like in a packet, yeah.

It's like the low end of things.

Yeah, I'm not, I'm not, yeah.

Anything that Kipling can make, I'm not interested in.

Really, not even a French fancy.

He's baked French fancies are good though.

They are good.

Yeah, yeah, French fancies are pretty good.

So you're having the vape, you've got the coffee.

Which kind of coffee?

Yeah, what kind of coffee?

If it's a dream, it would be like a cappuccino

in Rome.

And you know, they don't like serving it in the afternoon, do they?

But I'd say, go on, and they'd go, all right, then, yeah, and that's what I'd have.

Wow.

Yeah.

So, your dream meal

involves an easily convinced Italian man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

And I'd have three of them with the triple melon because you know, they never give you like the size that we want.

They give you a little thimbleful.

They don't give you costa size, do they?

No, no.

I'd say three.

Triple coffee, triple melon.

Yeah.

Three cappuccinos and a fat vape.

Thanks.

And a glass of water.

Whereabouts in Rome do you want to be?

I reckon right in front of the I can't remember what it's called.

Coliseum.

Nah.

The other thing.

The square one.

Yeah.

Trevi Fountain?

Yeah, nah.

Oh, actually, yeah, why not?

Yeah, go on.

Trevi Fountain's going to be good.

Yeah, in the evening.

In the evening.

And tourists knocking around.

Just me.

Just you.

And the man.

Yeah, and the man.

Easily convincing you.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And another older Italian guy who's at a few tables away, just for the authenticity, so I feel like I'm proper there.

Is he usually convinced or it doesn't not matter?

He's not involved.

He's not even talking.

He just gives me a little nod and a wink.

That's quite weird, Michelle, actually.

I'd be creeped out if it was just me in front of the Trevi Fountain.

A man I didn't know sat quite far away, and every so often he winks at me.

I'd be really scared.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It depends how often he's winking.

Triple wink.

Exactly.

Just not even a wink, maybe just a little nod and a smile while he lifts up his cup and has a sip of his beverage.

Here's the problem with this whole thing.

I would find it very hard in your situation, because you've got this easily convinced Italian waiter.

Yeah.

At some point, I'd be like, can you please jump in the Trevi Fountain?

I want him to jump in the Trevi Fountain, knowing that he's easily convinced.

So at some point, it's going to go, yeah, okay, and it'll jump in it for me for my amusement.

And I don't think I should have that power.

Wow, that's a really dark fault to have, James.

I don't know what to say.

Did your brain not go there?

If you have if you have a a waiter that you know is easily convinced, he's he's done something nice for me, I know.

Let me make him my slave.

No, I would never think that

I'd be like, I'm just gonna teach you.

Like a member of the jack of the jackass crew.

Like, like

suddenly you realise all you have to do is, you know, tell them, do that crazy thing and they'll do it.

You know, I find it very hard if I hung out with Danger Erin or someone like that and I'll be like, Danger Eren, can you jump in the Trevi Fountain, please?

I would say that at some point, yeah, you're Knoxville in that situation.

I'm Johnny Knoxville, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

All the way.

I think this is preparing your stomach appetite-wise, getting you ready for it.

Yeah, but doesn't nicotine stop appetite, though?

Do you not think it's enough to press?

Yeah, yeah, you don't notice, do you?

Do you know what I mean?

You're just your base level, yeah, is nicotine, yeah,

and you do need to eat eventually.

your dream main course.

Southern mac and cheese.

Southern mac and cheese.

American southern mac and cheese.

Yeah, talk us through it.

You lit up when you said mac and cheese.

Yeah, because I like some of my best mates live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and they just make banging mac and cheese.

And growing up here, and my mum's not a big cooker.

I don't really care about cooking.

I'm not inspired by making food.

And I thought mac and cheese was that nasty shit that you get in a can.

That's what my mum would call.

Do you want some macaroni, some cheese, macaroni?

And she'd just open up this can, it'd flob out into a bowl.

She'd chuck it in the microwave until it was steaming hot.

And she'd like chuck a bit of pepper on it and just be like trying not to burn your mouth.

And that's what I thought mac and cheese was.

And then my Jamaican grand would make mac and cheese, but it was kind of like Jamaican mac and cheese is quite like pie-like, sort of like quiche-like quiche-like in it in the way that it it's not like creamy.

And then I went to the States and I had like southern mac and cheese and I was like, this is it.

This is everything I need in a meal.

It's got pasta and it's got cheese and it's got like a nice crust.

Southern mac and cheese is good with all the other stuff that comes with it as well sometimes.

But you're just having it straight up, right?

To be honest, it's a standalone meal and I don't want to fuck it up with adding other things to it.

But if we were really going to go all in, I would have an actual like black southern Thanksgiving dinner.

But that, there's politics around it.

Well, there is because it's Thanksgiving, but also just like all the different ways people cook it.

It's like, do you know what I mean?

Like I had one friend who's from Kentucky and he made like sweet potatoes with marshmallows on them.

And I was like, what the fuck is this?

I've had that.

It's awful.

Do you know what I'm saying?

What are they doing?

So for simplicity, a meal that I would be happy with, standalone, mac and cheese.

That might be my favourite flavour, actually.

Sweet potato with a bag.

Sweet potato with marshmallow on it.

Do you like that sort of stuff, don't you?

No,

I've spoken about it on the podcast before.

I saw a pilot eat that.

How did you see a pilot eat it?

He was at an airport or no.

Me and him had flown into...

You got invited to go up to the cockpit for dinner.

Me and him had flown somewhere together, and he was like, oh, you go to steakhouse.

And I was like, yeah, all right.

And then he ordered that as his side.

And I was like, what the fuck is that?

You're a pilot?

What are you eating that for?

And he was like, I love these.

I was like, that's crazy, man.

What does that mean?

You're a pilot.

Why are you eating that?

You're responsible for a lot of different people.

You just made a bad decision.

But also, yeah, I mean, I might have said this on the podcast before about this story, but I don't want to see a pilot eat anything that heavy.

Because if I ate that, it's nap time, right?

Yeah.

I want to see a pilot eat light and nutritious.

I'm like, as long as they're not drinking, I'm fine.

Yeah.

I'm like, eat what you want.

It goes on like, you just got to get it in the air, innit?

Then after that you can have a little sleep yeah but it's got to be harder to get in the air when you've had nothing he he was just flying like a little plane oh it's just me him and his buddy wow yeah it's a pj james was on a pj oh baby

a pj yeah a little private jet no no if only i'm not that cool it was a mix-up

they thought he was chroma

and then we landed he was like Want to get a steak?

Yeah.

I can't believe you said yes.

Of all people to say yes to a pilot asking you if you want to go and get a steak.

I thought, when am I going to do this again?

You know?

Yeah, James.

No, that's not your attitude.

That is true, but also that's not James Acaster.

What are you talking about?

When am I going to do this again?

You're a man who regularly throws away unique experiences.

As if when?

Name one.

Name one you're going to be able to do that.

But I can't because you never had them.

I always embrace new stuff.

No, that's absolute bullshit.

Yeah, thank you.

Benito's giving me the look of that.

What are you talking about?

What's Benito nodding for?

Look, I'd like to hear one example, Michelle, of any time I've turned down a unique opportunity

how was the steak can't remember i was too busy looking at the pilot being like is that marshmallows on your potato

wild inn especially if you're like if you're invited over to someone's house and they're like bigging something up and you're like oh yeah great and then it's like something like marshmallows on on yams or potatoes or you're just like what the fuck is this it's very rare that i'll be introduced to another culture's food and think this is absolute trash right normally i think this is better than the uk everyone's got a better food culture than you can everyone yeah but then i when i saw the yams or whatever they were with marshmallow on them i was like america's fucked it man yeah but then there's always something next to that that is delicious yeah yeah like mac and cheese like mac and cheese man yeah how cheesy we talking do you want to see that stretch yeah a hundred percent i want it to be creamy but also stringy uh i want like five different types of cheese and then like a check i want like a cheese sauce to be made and then just more cheese and pasta and stuff added i want to be like losing my mind at every stage that i see it being cooked and then i want it to come out and i want it to be like crispy brown on the top bubbling bubbling bubbling hot patibant how much of that do you reckon you could eat because i think with mac and cheese and things like that now i'd be like if it was that rich i'd be maybe halfway through i'd be like i've got to go and have a nap i i i reckon i could get through one serving then have a little break and then i could do slivers that would amount to another serving over the course of an hour and a half.

Are you reheating or are you just

room temperature?

Yeah, room temperature.

The cheese is coagulated a little bit.

Exactly.

Yeah, so you can slice it.

You can take slices off.

You can drop it on my lap.

Outfit's still fine.

Pick that up.

Pop it in.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good metric to judge food by, I think.

Can you drop it on your lap?

I mean, I've, I don't know, man, I'm getting messier and messier as I get older.

Are you?

I drop more and more on my lap.

Why?

Is that because you're not worried about how you're eating it?

Just sloppy, no attention to detail.

Right, so you're just shoveling it in.

Shoveling it in.

Oh, I'm on tour at the moment, so I'm mainly eating in dressing rooms and it's mainly Nando's.

How do you eat when you're on your own, right?

Because I've noticed that there's times when, like, if I, if no one's there, I've just think if someone could fucking see, like, if someone could see the way I'm boshing this meeting, like, it's disgusting.

I feel like I used to, when I was eating on my own, still had some sort of like decorum or standard.

Do you know what I mean?

But now I'm

I want to celebrate that I'm on my own and no one can see.

Talk us through the situation.

Just put in way more on a fork

than any one person can fit in their mouth.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Like it's ridiculous.

But because I insist on having a bit of everything in one in one mouthful, but I just get really excited because I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And by the time it's ready to come to my mouth, I'm like, who?

What are you doing?

Are you worried that if you eat like that by yourself, that one day you're going to choke and no one's going to be around to save you?

No, just you're disgusting.

That would be awful though if you if you choke to death and that's how you were found with the mouthful of mac and cheese, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

You're dead.

Who cares?

Can't be thinking about shame when you're not alive and in a form to experience it.

That's true actually.

Cool.

I'll start putting more in my mouth when I'm alone.

That's one of the first singles I bought was Bubbling Hot by

Patty Banton.

Patty Banton and Rankin Rodger.

Can I just talk you through what I do now to stop me dropping stuff on my trousers before I do a show?

Yeah.

So I'll buy a Nando's and then it comes with napkins.

They're very generous with the napkins, Nando's.

Not with this sachets of sauce anymore when you get a delivery.

Yeah,

eight out of ten times they don't put the sachets in.

Yeah, but it's a disgrace because they're trying to push you towards buying a bottle, which costs extra, but they normally throw the sachets in for free.

But that stops in the last couple of months, actually.

Yeah, because they just live in your drawer.

The sachets never get used.

I use them straight away.

Yeah, because I'm on the road, so I'm not at home.

So the sachets now, I had to buy a glass bottle.

I've got to carry it around with me in my tote bag.

All right, so system the other day, and I'm not by myself because my support acts in there, napkin in the top, napkin tucked into the top of the trousers.

What the fuck?

And then try and lay a napkin here.

So I've got straight napkins all the way down here.

Weird feeling tucking a napkin into the top of your trousers.

Or the other day, napkin in the top.

paper bag that Nernando's came in, lay that fully across the lap and put the plate on top of that.

How are we feeling about that?

Well, I mean, just wave goodbye to all your dignities on tour at this point.

Yeah.

Isn't there a table?

Yeah, sometimes, but also me and my support act want to have the laptop on and sometimes there's a sofa, so I'd like to sit on the sofa and eat with the laptop showing whatever we're watching.

And then my support act,

she likes to sit on the floor.

Well, I would say that's necessary.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I think it's a good system.

It doesn't look great.

Yeah.

I would be scared that there's some like stuff on the paper bag already.

Yeah.

That's what I'd be worried about.

But I think that that sounds that sounds legit.

Yeah.

Solid.

I think maybe you're right.

And I do say no to unique experiences because

I wouldn't do any of that.

No.

What would you do?

I'd find a table.

Yeah.

Eat at that.

That's what I mean.

Like,

if you're in a dressing room, there's a table.

Also, what are you doing eating before a gig, you absolute mentalist?

It's normally like an hour and a half before the gig.

So I need a clear hour and a half.

You got to remember as well, Ed and I, we're old men in the game at this point.

We don't give a shit about our gigs.

I do need like 90 minutes.

James will eat like a full three-course meal, leave the restaurant and walk straight on street.

Really?

Yeah.

That's why.

At the end of the day, that's going to be the best part of my day is eating the meal.

It's genuinely what he thinks.

I don't know that this gig, we're just going to suck ass.

Yeah, embracing new experiences.

Get in the way of it, and it's not new at this point.

That's the problem.

Yeah, but it could be, isn't it?

The meal's a new experience.

I'm in a new city, eating at a new place.

That's the new experience.

What's in a new city doing it?

It's performing to a new audience.

No, every audience is the same.

Your dream side dish.

Now, your main course is what a lot of people would choose as their side.

Yeah.

I'm not calling you out or anything.

So your side dish for this big side is going to be interesting.

Chips.

This is more what I was hoping for from the statement at the beginning of, I used to be a model and now I'm a comedian and i can eat what i want i was hoping for pasta and chips pasta and chips carb town yeah chips chip shop chips uh fries well not not skinny fries it would be like a decent american diner style chip definitely not chip shop chips although i love chip shop chips but i have chip chop chip chip chips there we go that's always gonna happen with savaloy and salad cream and that lives in its own world over there chip shop chips with savoy, fine.

That's all available.

Yeah.

Salad cream.

Salad cream.

No.

For the tanginess.

My initial reaction was disgust.

Yeah.

But then I remember that I like to embrace new experiences.

So I'm going to try that one day.

I like salad cream.

I've just never had it with chips and savaloy, you know?

It's proper nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well.

Make sure you cover your whole body in crepe paper all over.

The fuck you do that at the end of the day.

If you have that salad cream out there.

I just wear a white outfit for that one.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, if it's like a dream mill, then that's what I'd have.

I'd have chips.

Yeah, you gotta go for it.

This is your dream.

Yeah.

What do you mean by the diner style fries?

Are they like fries?

Yeah, they're like fries, but they've got bits of skin on them.

Do you know what I mean?

You know what I mean, innit?

I love it.

Skin on.

Skin on, baby.

Yeah.

Skin on, but they're not like big skin on chips.

They're like, yeah, medium-sized.

Yeah, you mean like a sort of five-guys style fries.

Yeah, yeah, but not those ones.

But not those ones.

I feel those are good ones.

They're all right.

I like them.

They're all right.

I mean, I love a five guys burger.

You're on a bit of a five guys

train at the moment because I only discovered it like a year ago.

Yeah, so you've got to get it all in now.

Yeah, now I'm like, what the fuck?

I did a gig with Felicity Woolen.

She was like, we've got to go five guys.

We've got to go five guys.

And I was like, do we?

And then I was like, fucking hell, yeah, we do.

This is delicious.

Didn't know that about Felicity Wood.

I spoke to someone yesterday who once bought an entire five guys into the cinema with them.

What?

Don't, don't, don't, don't get me upset.

Yes.

I would, that is the sensory.

I don't give a fuck about you lot.

Yeah abuse of that is outrageous.

She did say she she did pause I don't give a fuck about she told us that and then she paused and she went that was bad.

That's beyond bad

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Your dream drink, Michelle.

A orange LucasAid.

Whoa.

We have never had this before.

We've never had LucasAid before.

Yeah.

Orange LucasAid.

It's just so delicious and lovely and refreshing.

Old recipe or new recipe?

What do you mean?

Well,

it's been a big controversy in my community, the type 1 diabetes community, because LucasAid is often used as hypo or low blood glucose treatment because it's got so much sugar in it.

You can download

it.

It's a healthy hydrating drink that helps you run.

Yeah, it's a sports.

It's really good if you're sick as well.

It brings your health back.

Yeah, well,

it brings type 1 diabetics health back because if if you've got a low blood glucose, you have like three sips of it and you're absolutely buzzing off it.

Absolutely.

That's my drink.

So for a lot of people, that was their go-to thing in that situation.

And then LucasAid reduced the sugar across the board.

So type 1 diabetics who used to use it then were trying to use it and it wasn't hitting the same thing.

So it's even healthier now than it was before.

It's even healthier now than it was before.

It was a bit more healthy, wasn't it?

I like it.

I don't drink it all the time, but if I'm hungover, I think, oh,

I'm going to have an orange Leucasaid.

So you you hung over for your dream meal?

Oh, yeah, that's a good point.

I guess it would be a glass of white wine then.

Why did I so far?

So far,

your meal to me does seem like a hangover meal because you're vaping and having coffee.

Yeah.

Then you're having a big mac and cheese and chips.

And then a LucasAid, it really feels like you've been out of the microphone.

A big

mac and cheese.

Big mac.

A big mac.

Oh, right.

A big mac and cheese.

A big mac.

Yeah, that is confusing actually.

Yeah, it is.

A big mac and cheese.

Big mac and cheese.

Yeah, that is.

Now you're saying it all like that, it does seem like a ridiculous meal.

I tell you what it seems like.

It does seem like someone who professionally was not allowed to eat for years and doesn't really know how to do it still.

You're like the food equivalent of Kimmy Schmidt.

You've come out of been let out of the cave and now you're learning how to do life.

And you think that a vape is a starter.

Yeah.

Mac and cheese is a main course and Lucas Aida's healthy.

You're going to lose your minds when you hear what I want for dessert.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Prawn cocktail.

Yeah.

A picture of a prawn cocktail.

But like, I want you to have the LucasAid more than the wine because we've never had LucasAid chose before.

Yeah.

Can I have LucasAid please?

So it's quite exciting that someone's chosen.

Even though Ed just tried to piss on my chips.

I didn't piss on your chips.

They did change the recipe.

I was asking a follow-up question.

I've got to say something, Michelle.

It can't just be you listing things you want and then we go.

You know, if I've got a question, I'm going to ask the question.

as much as we would like that to be the you have no idea how much we would love it if every episode was the guest just bangs off the here's what I want and then we go yeah that's only happened once that's only happened once we're down at Croyd and it was the best day of my life yeah and people still come up to me and ask me about that episode

but um what do you think of all the other Lucas Aid flavours?

Not fast.

No.

No.

Original.

Pink Clemens.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I do the original like maybe once a year just to remind myself that I really like the orange one.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Gotta keep the orange one in perspective.

Yeah, exactly.

All I remember is that it shouldn't be used to replace the fluids lost ju when you have diarrhea.

What?

It says it on the bottle.

I remember as a kid reading it and me and my friends thinking it was the funniest thing in the world.

Well they had to warn you that it was was there a rumor that it it helped you rehydrate after diarrhea?

As kids, none of us like even like that they had no concept of any of that anyway, so it's hilarious to us.

You didn't know what diarrhea was?

We knew diarrhea, but we didn't know that people were trying to replace fluids lost

like we didn't know any of that, so we just thought every now and again you get the shits, and it's the funniest thing in the world.

That's all we knew.

Yeah, man, diarrhea song.

Yeah, yeah, when you're sitting on the grass and it comes out your ass, diarrhea, diarrhea.

No.

Do you not remember the diarrhea song?

Comes at your bum like a bullet from a gun.

Diarrhea.

Diarrhea.

What?

We've never spoken about this before.

We genuinely have.

And we grew up in different boroughs.

Yeah.

What?

No.

Yeah, that must.

I assume that was a UK-wide diarrhea song.

No, I feel cheated.

Maybe, maybe, maybe I've forgotten it.

Maybe this is.

You don't forget the diarrhea song.

Don't forget it.

If you've heard the diarrhea song, you do not forget it.

That sticks in your head.

Yeah.

I remember that.

Bubbling hot.

And then

they're not dissimilar.

Very similar songs.

Like a soup in a pot.

We are what?

Bubbling hot.

Diarrhea.

Diarrhea.

Like a soup in a pot.

It's bubbling hot.

Diarrhea.

Diarrhea.

Always ends up back here.

Every single episode.

So don't try and do that with LucasAid, basically, but that is a delicious drink that you enjoy.

Yeah.

Do you remember, this is very London-specific.

The old LucasAid sign, as you came into Hammersmith on the flyover.

It was a neon sign.

It was a moving neon sign.

I think it was an absolute icon.

They got rid of it and replaced it with a video screen.

move moving emotionally emotionally yeah yeah yeah emotionally moving and also like this yeah neon led sign that was like hammersmith where like when you was like when you come in off the

yeah yeah yeah yeah if you're coming off the m4 and then going into hammersmith

no because i grew up in london oh clearly not you went off

you know what i mean no i don't remember ben remembers but he's the only one who can't talk on this so i seem like an absolute nutcase now yeah yeah'cause you can remember specifically where a certain sign was when you were it's a london icon it's like them you you know, changing the towers of London to an AI tower.

What?

Ah, never mind.

Your dream dessert.

Your dream dessert, Michelle.

Now, you say we're going to lose it.

We're going to lose our minds.

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I didn't mean lose your mind as an excitement, but I'd get like a cheeseball.

Fuck you.

This is huge.

Fuck you.

I would get a cheeseball.

And thank you for that, Michelle.

Yeah, because you know, and they're like, oh, do you want it?

I'm like, I don't want dessert I don't care about cheeseburgers

he's a bit

I was polite throughout this whole stupid menu I'm so happy the whole menu I was disappointed that as possible I'm a starter boy James is a dessert boy and you've thrown it both back in our faces yeah cheese board but but before it comes I'd like to um thank you I would like to take my glass of wine

I've necked my orange LucasAid I said thanks that was delicious can I have a cheese board

with some crackers and maybe a bit of bread actually as well?

Go on, fuck it.

And I'll get a glass of wine.

And while I'm waiting for you, Lock to chop that up, I'm going to stand outside and have a little vape and drink some wine and just take in the outside.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Admire the view.

Have a little vape.

You stink.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You stink.

Yeah, of course.

Delicious cheeses.

What would you like on your cheeseboard?

I don't care.

I love all the cheeses.

He doesn't even care.

Give me all the cheeses.

I don't know what you mean, actually.

Why?

I like the soft cheeses and I like the hard cheeses.

No, I don't.

Do you know what actually?

When I first went to Paris to do the shows,

I was staying in this French guy's house and he came back and I'd like cleared out the whole fridge and just cleaned everything.

And he was like, what?

I was like, something fucking stinks in it and I don't know what it is, but I've like cleaned everything and I chucked away some like really expensive cheese because I thought it had gone off.

Do you know know what i mean it's a humble girl yeah

i'd never seen i didn't know if cheese smell i thought anything smells i thought that's gone off i mean that is a good point isn't it if something stinks yeah i've got to open up the fridge and i was like fucking hell something here is bad

did the did the french man get angry with you he he he he looked at me like you ignorant british peasant yeah well that's how i'm looking at you right now yeah yeah at the same time and i remember staying at um someone's house who had a ham hanging up and they was like do you want some and i was like you just got meat just hanging up that's not even in the fridge and you're like oh do you want some and everyone's like oh no this is delicious and i just sat there thinking you lot are fucking mental that sounds great whose house was that i'd love a bit of ham

and like

where are you getting the but i'd never seen i didn't know that ham was like aged like out yeah yeah yeah like that i thought ham you just got it pig and then it's like yeah yeah it would be it would be confusing yeah and i hadn't seen cheese like that that either.

I hadn't had smelly cheese.

And now...

You love smelly cheese.

I love ham that's been left out.

And I love a smelly cheese.

Am I specific about it?

Nah, it all looks good to me.

I have a mini baby belt and I have that bit of stinky brie.

Crackers with that?

Yeah, yeah, just some little bit.

Yeah, little crostinis or whatever they're called.

Yeah, a couple of them.

A little bit of jammy stuff.

Horrible.

Yeah.

Oh, this is horrible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that.

And a big glass of white wine.

And also, I'm just nipping out for a second, and I'm going to have a little vape.

Or if it's a really busy restaurant and there's like vibes, I might just look at you and vape right there and just sort of think on it.

You know, sometimes, you know, like how, like, sometimes if you're trying to be too discreet about passing someone drugs, you just think, but look, I'm just going to put it on the table, you take it, because then otherwise, it makes it weird, isn't it?

And then people are going to look.

And that's a lot of people vaping.

We're doing all of this to me.

oh that's directed as if I know anything about discreetly giving people drugs but that's because this often happens on the podcast

is that they go well obviously not him they look at me and go well obviously not him so then by default they assume that you know about that sort of stuff no no I'm just it was just no you're just closer to me on this table that's all I'm just saying so you directed all of that towards Ed and you were like Ed knows about drugs yeah I think it was more than Kramer won't know what I'm on about well also you're you you've you've you've given me a bit of a cold shoulder now with the cheese suggestions.

Yeah, exactly.

I'll sense it.

I'll sense it.

You know what I mean?

I'm very annoyed.

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

I'll chuck all of that cheese board in the Trevi fountain.

Would you?

Yeah.

I'd bring it out.

I'd go, who ordered the cheese board?

And you go, well, it's either me or that old man who's nodding.

And I'll be like, here you go.

And as I'm about to put it on the table, I'd go, what?

And I'd hoik it all.

It'd go and splat into the Trevi fountain.

I'll be like, you go and get that in the the Trevi Fountain if you want it.

Michelle doesn't need to.

She's got someone who'll do that for her.

Yeah.

The waiter.

The suggestible Italian man.

Yeah.

Go retreat my cheeseball.

No, listen, that's you who said that that's what you'd be up for doing.

I think that's fucking dark, to be honest.

I'll do that to you.

I think it's fucking dark that you're like, oh, you're going to give me a cappuccino.

Mmm, you seem like someone who's suggestible.

How about getting in the fountain?

I'll just be like, oh, thanks for the coffee.

This place is lovely.

You're like, how can I push it one step further?

I would be like that.

Yeah.

It's destiny.

Yeah, it's the Same with like, I don't like this.

I'm chucking your cheese in a fountain, which is outrageous.

I saw someone do that once.

No, you didn't.

Well, it wasn't cheeseball, but I saw someone chuck cheese in a fountain.

Did you really, James?

It was a coffee.

It was a coffee in a river.

A coffee in a river.

Yeah.

That's like saying it rained one day.

What do you mean, a coffee in a river is like throwing cheese in a fountain?

Well, the guy was like, We're in a beer garden in Ireland and the guy was like...

You are pulling this story out of your mouth.

No, I've heard this story before.

Really?

It's like, what's everyone want everyone?

We're having Guinness.

And one of the comics, it was all comedians, went, I just want a coffee.

And he was like, right, okay.

He came back, put all the Guinness down.

He went, got your coffee here?

It was like on a board because it had all the sugar and everything.

And he went, here you go.

And then threw it in the river.

We all really laughed.

And they went, sorry, I'll get you another one.

He did it again.

It was really good when he did it again.

And I really loved it when he threw the coffee in the river.

You know what, though?

That's such a like, I'd be scared that if I did that, no one would laugh, and then you would just

know that that's your personality.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Yeah, you want a glass bottle of still water, you would like pop a doms and bread.

You would like for start a triple melon vape, Los Mary, Los Mary vape with three cappuccinos in Rome in the evening in front of the Trevi Fountain with a glass of water.

Yeah, main course, American Southern mac and cheese, side dish, skin-on, diner-style chips, drink, orange Lucas Aid.

And for dessert.

A cheese board with crackers.

It's been a while since we've had a cheese board.

This is exciting.

This sounds decent.

If I put all of this on the table, we would be like, come on.

What's she talking about?

If you put all of this on a table, it would barely fill the space in front of you.

No, no, we don't know about size.

We haven't spoken about a mac and cheese.

Look, that.

This bit, that in the middle, that's the mac and cheese.

Big mac and cheese.

Yeah, we've got some little fries around the side.

How many fries fries do you want when you're eating mac and cheese anyway and then i'm like don't worry about that just we've got a little cheese board coming for after i a lot of cheese knocking around in this meal yeah there's a lot of cheese knocking around cheese is delicious yeah it's awful menu

it's my menu innit i'm not saying come over to my house for a dinner party you said what is my dream yeah yeah menu that's it for me i know but like this is like so bad that even though I'm not eating it, I find it offensive.

I find it offensive that you're eating it.

This is basically, if you pick a cheese board, unfortunately, Michelle, you're tainted in James's mind.

You're done.

Well, you don't have repeat guests, do you?

So it don't matter.

Whatever.

This is a fucking bang-in menu for me, for my palate.

Do you know what I mean?

When you make up your menu, it's not going to be that, is it?

Damn right.

Yeah.

None of this is showing up on my menu at all.

Especially this cheese board.

Yeah.

And I'm not vaping.

Hey, it's a good point.

Cool.

All right, then.

This is

delicious.

I love the mac and cheese sounds.

Mac and cheese sounds really nice.

Do you not like cheese?

Mac and cheese as a side, sure.

Do you like mac and cheese?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you like chips?

Yeah.

Obviously, you like chips.

Don't be difficult.

Do you like a cheese ball to eat?

No.

Yeah.

You do!

I do!

But not as a dessert.

No, no, no.

But do you like those things?

I would not like any of this together.

I like loads of stuff, but not together.

None of this together.

This is a sad.

I think

a lot of the sweetness in the meal is coming from the vape.

Yeah, exactly.

You don't nit and the orange leucasator.

Yeah, not sweet anymore.

Palate cleanser.

Not as sweet anymore.

Yeah, not a sweet anymore.

But still delicious.

Orange leucasator is not delicious.

I'm not getting that.

I feel like you are just giving me a lot of resistance now.

And I think you have to remember I'm your guest.

All right.

You asked me to come.

I pulled this menu out of my arms.

I was against it.

These guys wanted you to come.

He had a bump and I was out voting.

Yeah, that's my menu.

Cheese, don't you love cheese?

Cheese

is fine.

I find it.

I famously love cheese.

I think it's delicious.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Thank you so much, Michelle.

Thank you.

Yeah.

We didn't even talk about when you met Jeffrey Epstein.

What?

What?

Well, that explains it.

That explains the meal.

That explains how bad that meal is.

Some of it, the evil rubbed off on you.

Thank you so much, coming to the Dream Restaurant, Michelle.

Thank you for having me, Ed, James.

Get lost.

Get lost, Michelle.

Well, there we are.

The wonderful Michelle Deswart.

Nearly came to blows with you at the end there, James.

Horrible menu.

Look, it was very beige.

That's the least of my complaints.

And that would usually be bad.

Yeah.

So imagine that.

That's so bad.

I didn't even get to the fact that it's incredibly beige.

I like mac and cheese.

So, you know, sometimes it can be disappointing But the one she was describing was very very good So I was into that.

I wouldn't be having chips with mac and cheese personally to be honest She was eating like she was running a marathon two days later.

Yeah, she was carving up.

Yeah, I

You're right, man.

I mean the cheese board is the least of my it's not even the least obviously a cheese board just tipped it over the edge.

Yeah, but um Normally I'm fine with people skipping a starter.

I love it.

I mean, you know, listeners will have heard it.

Yeah.

When Michelle said no starter.

Oh, I was really loving it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Looking at your face.

Yeah.

Little did I know.

But then she picked a vape, so I was into that.

Yeah.

Vape and coffee.

I thought that was quite a good idea, really.

And then she didn't really know any cheeses or even what annoyed me.

The quince jelly was cool.

So, like, you know, that must have rubbed you up the wrong way.

Yeah, but I wasn't going to take her on at that point because she had a sort of laser vision set on you.

So I was going to enjoy that.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So, you know,

I guess another episode that we won't be releasing.

No, this this is.

I don't know why we're bothering doing this outro because we're not going to release this episode.

This episode is going out, definitely.

There's loads that we haven't put out.

Thank you so much to Michelle as well for

not saying shredded daikon or the white stuff you find in a box of sushi sometimes.

I'd have loved it if she said that.

Not the wrong one.

It would have made the menu better.

Very rare that the secret ingredient would improve the menu.

Well, she didn't say it, so we should let you know that Spent, Michelle's new show, is on BBC2 now and also on iPlayer.

So So do make sure you go and watch that.

She is brilliant.

Fair enough.

Do watch that.

Yeah, do watch that.

Thank you so much for listening.

We'll be back next week with another episode of the Off Menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James A.

Caster.

That's us.

Bye.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

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At King's Place.

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