Ep 243: Joe Wilkinson (Live in Brighton)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

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So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

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Well, just let me check this little calendar I've got.

Oh my god, it's Saturday.

Brighton Dome.

Boulders.

It's the Brighton Show, our one-night residency at the Brighton Dome with our fantastic special guest, Joe

Wilkinson,

live off-menu tour show.

Can't wait to put this one out.

Love this one.

Yeah, this is.

I mean, what's nice about the

episodes, actually?

We're very lucky to do this podcast and has had so many different guests bring different energies to the podcast.

And the live episodes were no exception.

And it was fun to see how, in front of a live audience, different energies changed the whole feel of the movie.

Yes, absolutely.

This audience really delighted in how much Joe loves the,

I'd say, the shit of things in life.

Yes, absolutely.

Well, I don't think, I think his menu was simultaneously surprising and not surprising at all.

So

let's enjoy listening to that.

The secret ingredient, as suggested by the audience, was 42 calippos.

Yeah, and hey, if you know, you know.

If you know, you know.

It's something you did on Taskmaster.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if you don't know, you also know.

Yeah.

It's the off-menu menu live in Brighton of Joe Wilkinson.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Taking the crumble of conversation.

Getting another little crumble of humor.

Getting another little crumble of friendship.

Savory and sweet.

And selling them to you, the listeners, from our Benedict's Crumble Hatch.

Man.

When we put these episodes out,

we're not putting the first half out, so the people listening to this are going to be fucking confused right now.

That's for us.

That's a joke for us.

That is a gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Joe Wilkinson.

very excited to have Joe on the podcast it's been a long time coming I'm glad we could do it live in Brighton with Joe in fact on your dream menus uh in the anything else you'd like to tell us section uh someone had written when's Joe Wilkinson doing an episode so whoever wrote that is gonna have the fucking evening of their lives and make your wish come true wish the yes did genie and you all know what the secret ingredient is so keep that in your head just in case case Joe says it.

I don't think he's gonna, but

who knows?

He might do.

This is the off-menu menu of Joe Wilkinson.

What are you doing, James?

James?

James?

Now,

Joe, obviously James is a genie in this.

So...

What's that thing?

Oh, that's the pot, is it?

The pot, yeah.

That's it.

Pot, that's the traditional, yeah, the genie, like a genie in a pot.

Oh, yeah.

What is the word?

What do you reckon it is?

I'll stay with pop.

We're going with pot.

The genie's in the pot.

Pop.

Now, obviously, to get the genie.

How do you, how do we...

i said yes halfway through that word

and then it took a swerve to turn didn't it

um how it were in genie lore do you remember because you think it's called a pot i'm gonna see do you know how they get the genie out of the pot kick it

would you you uh you you tantalize the end yes would you like to tantalize the end live for us to get the genie out of the pot

Welcome, Joe.

Welcome to St.

Jilla Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Fucking hell.

Oh, I don't like that.

There we are.

There's the genie out of the pot, finally.

The pot?

I couldn't believe it.

I got it in the end.

Got it in the end.

You didn't.

He said Lantern.

It's Lantern, isn't it?

No.

No.

Oh, yeah, Lamp.

Yeah.

I thought I had kind of.

That's concerning.

It's hard, this pod, isn't it?

Yeah.

When we were off stage just then, Joe, just before the show started, I said, have fun out there, Joe.

I say that to guests sometimes.

And you went,

I don't have fun.

I'm 48.

And then you said, and then you said, I want to go home.

But you wouldn't let me

joe yeah um does someone want to have to do the heimlock on you because

you choked on some beetroot sorry beetroot no

no

yes they did

that man is that this is it's not the man we'll give him a wave is that that man

yeah he saved my life he didn't save your life

he didn't save your life his friend karosh

yeah yeah Yeah, where's Karosh?

He's in my...

I can tell you.

I've got his phone number in.

Is he in?

So you exchanged...

No, he's not in.

So you exchanged numbers after...

I could phone him.

He saved your life?

Can we get a bit of background on the story before you phone him?

Yeah.

It's going to be a bit of a weird phone call if we don't know if you're about it.

Where were you?

I was in my house and I was...

What?

Hang on.

I'm glad we got some more background on this story.

story what are you talking about you're in your house I'm always in my house what do you mean yeah but okay to keep telling the story okay why is me being my in my house weird because you choked you choked on beetroot and then a man who I presume you didn't know before called Karosh saved your fucking life yeah

I hardly ever look in the spare room to be fair

But that day I happened to pop in there and there he was.

Now what happened?

I was cooking, and as I was cooking, I liked to eat beetroot.

Okay, let's pause before we carry on.

Okay, there's a lot of pausing and asking you.

Because the details are weirder than you think.

Okay, okay.

Why is it beetroot, your snack of choice, when you're cooking?

Some people drink red wine when they're cooking.

Yeah.

You eat beetroot.

Slices of beetroot.

Preferably crinkle cup.

Well, that turned out to be your downfall on this day, isn't it?

Whoa, yeah, we'll get there.

And

I,

because

when I'm cooking, I'm usually hungry.

Yeah.

That's unique, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I've listened to your pod, and I don't know.

Some people do that as well.

They cook when they're hungry.

Paul Rudd.

Yeah.

That's really nice to follow that little what?

Sauty.

So

I was eating beetroot and

quickly

because I love the stuff.

And

it suckered itself into my throat.

It went.

And I could no longer breathe.

So I ran out into my garden, I looked at my other half and I thought, she's not going to help

because she was

she absolutely loves the book she was reading at the time

and I thought I doubt she'd put that down.

Yeah,

do you remember what the book was?

I think it was a Jackie Collins, but I couldn't be sure.

Was it Petra?

She's in, she'll hate me saying that.

So I thought, what do I do?

And I went a bit matrix.

I started to think for the first time in my life.

that's what you call going a bit matrix yeah

suddenly you knew the appropriate term for a lamp

tapped into something higher than myself here

yeah and I picked up the pace I it was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway and

and I ran outside and

So you went into the garden, looked at your partner, ran back inside again and out the front door.

Yeah.

and you got like just red just pouring down your beard, I'd imagine.

Well, it it wasn't because

I'm very

because I've eaten a lot of beetroot.

I'm uh I'm I'm I tend to be good at it.

Yeah, it's just just this one time

nearly killed you.

Yeah, to be fair, there was not a drop on me.

So I ran out.

This is in COVID as well, so no one was about, so I thought it's probably not the best idea.

But Metis

had broken all the rules and was out.

And I was like,

you can save my life, but I'm not happy about it.

And

I reported him later.

He got four months.

And

he's a big lad, isn't he?

He's a big lad.

He's about six, well, very strong muscular arms, if I remember rightly.

And I was pointing at my throat, and he sort of went, and I was like, there's nothing else I can do here.

And then

I remember him saying,

I can't do the, he said, I can't do the Heimlich.

And I was like, well, you're going to have to learn.

So we both googled.

He had better 5G than me.

So

he just picked me up like a ragdoll and then

shook me and then it shot out and hit the side of a car.

I wasn't expecting to tell that.

Is this how the pods should start?

I don't know.

And then you exchange numbers after that.

Yes, I've got him down in my phone as lifesaver.

Yeah, I know.

What a guy I am.

To you.

To him, I meant.

Call him.

Nah.

Do you chat much with Life Saving?

Not as much as I should.

Every time you're eating some beetroots, take a selfie of yourself.

Guess what, I hope you're nearby.

Yeah, I've got him as my emergency number now, because he's...

I've swapped him for my wife.

Yeah, so yeah, that happened.

That's weird.

Do you still eat beetroot?

Yeah.

Someone told me, I was talking to my neighbour about it the following day, and I was telling her, and she said, oh, it happened to a friend of hers, and she had problems eating for like months.

She had to go have therapy about it.

I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes

to the point my missus is like, Christ, you don't learn.

So yeah, no, I'm fine.

I still look like a pig.

It'll be pleased to moment.

Sorry, I'm too low in my chair.

That's crass.

Sorry.

A lot of people, it's overwhelming.

Hello, Joe.

You're the genie.

Huh?

You're the genie.

Yes.

Yeah.

I just.

Okay.

Now I just remembered.

Something has happened?

Yes.

Now I just remembered you jumping out again.

Yes.

Yeah, that happened there.

I think I've killed the energy as well.

No, no, no, no.

Everyone's just trying to figure out

what has suddenly happened to you.

Yeah.

You went, oh, my push is awful.

You're the genie.

I was a bit star-struck.

Well, we always start with still a sparkling water, Joe Wilkinson.

For the reference?

Tap.

A lot of people, fans of tap here.

Yeah, I'm just, I refuse to.

It's always a bit embarrassing, isn't it?

When they go, stop sparkling or still?

No, that's both.

Yeah, no, anyway.

That's both options, sorry.

And then you have to say still, but I'm not paying

just to set the bar out.

So, you know.

Yeah.

Is that how you say it as well?

Yeah, you're not paying.

Still, but I'm not paying.

I'm just setting the bar out.

From a tap.

Yeah.

Not paying a £1.80.

£1.80.

You've got that figure in your head.

Yeah,

it differs from restaurant to restaurant.

Just to be clear.

When you were like reggae on eight out of ten cats and count, I said,

saying that to the waiters, did it feel a little bit cheeky?

Just going, yeah,

having still water, but I'm not paying, even though clearly I'm doing all right.

I would say we get paid less than you'd imagine.

Would you say that to the waiter as well?

Yeah, yeah.

I say, don't.

Everyone thinks we get, I'll show you how much.

I'm just, yeah, it's all right.

It's a good, you know, it's a good hourly wage, but I have to write.

There's weeks building up to it.

I'm nervous for a couple of days before.

So it's relevant.

It's not just two hours there.

There's like I have to travel.

It's three days in total.

So if you do an hourly rate, it's not that great.

I'm clear about that.

Where do you want the tap to be in the world?

There's different qualities of tap water.

Is brighten tap water good?

I've never understood that.

It's a unanimous no there.

You know when people say, oh, it's

hard water or soft water.

I don't.

I can't really tell.

I've got no palate.

Yeah.

I can't tell when people go, oh, the water's a bit.

I'm like, oh yeah, it's horrible.

I go, I can't.

Yeah, I'd say you're one of the only people I know who I would believe it if someone told me you drank out of the garden tap.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You can imagine it, can't you?

Thank you.

Yeah, and not even like filling a glass and then drinking like a dog.

Lapping away at the garden tap.

Have you seen those hoses?

Sorry.

I've just remembered I want to get one of those hoses that

they're extendable for about 40 meters, but they're like ribbed so they can kind of suck.

Yeah, I've got one.

Have you got one?

They're covered in almost like a fabric yeah and they just go really small like a yeah and then you pull them right out like a big foreskin someone's earning

okay now yeah from from your one of those then I'll have you a drink

you want tap water from my big foreskin hose and I yeah and I'd like you to drive there and get it

from the garden tap from the garden from from Ed's have you got a garden yeah I've got a garden you live in London yeah Yeah, it's a little garden.

It's pretty small.

Wow.

Wow.

These rooms don't fit themselves.

What kind of garden?

What do you mean what kind of garden?

Oh, we've never heard the tables be turned.

Sorry, Joe's using this as a launch for his garden podcast.

Joe's just had an idea for a garden podcast.

Well, is it like a town garden?

Is it lawned?

Is it spiders.

Very small.

James, you'll have your turn on garden pod, right?

Goddamn spiders.

We'll have your turn on garden pod, don't we?

It's a little lawn, a small lawn, small patio, a couple of little flower beds.

But it's...

Big enough to own a lawnmower?

Yeah, but I'd say on the rare occasion I do mow the lawn, it's such a small lawn that you put it on and go,

and then it's done.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, I know the size then.

Big barbecue in there, though.

Oh.

It's mainly mainly from a barbecuing outside, Joe.

Okay, I've got a break.

Poblums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Joe Wilkinson.

Poplums or bread.

Jesus whacked.

Jesus whacked.

Fragile.

Bread.

Bread, please.

They are, James.

Thank you very much.

Some wine.

I don't know what kind of wine it is.

It's a Riesling.

It's a Riesling, apparently.

It's a Jim Barry Dry Riesling 2022.

What a wanky looking.

Boo raboo from down there.

What are you booing that for?

Oh,

it's very

wanky looking.

What was it called?

A bread, crusty bread.

But can I,

because you're a genie.

Yeah.

Can it be it?

Because in a restaurant, I fucking love bread, but I fill myself up.

Yeah.

So can it be bread, like nice crusty bread that doesn't fill me up, and I don't get told to go, that's enough bread.

Yeah.

Fucking.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

You're going to have to get used to that.

They are really into this.

Yeah.

One of them asked us what wine we were drinking, then booed it.

They know their stuff.

Odd bunch.

Try Riesling, oh, boom.

Oh, that is a shame.

They're fully behind this idea that you don't fill up on bread.

Yeah.

So

basically, like a magical stomach for the that doesn't fill up on bread.

Because my other half will move the basket away from me.

Yeah.

And rightly so, but oh.

I just imagine, I'm imagining her now always reading a book as well.

So you're at her instant.

She's reading a book and she just goes.

To be fair, if she's not reading her book, it's a long old evening for her.

I am draining.

I sometimes bring a spare

in case she finishes that book and I go, there's the follow-up.

Oh, yeah.

I thought you meant you bring a spare partner.

Yeah, that's what I got.

Oh.

God, I wouldn't be that presumptuous.

I'll keep it a secret.

Also, while I'm here, if I'm doing this, if I'm like making it so you don't fill up on bread, do you want me to make it so you don't choke on beetroot as well?

Nah.

Nah, you love that.

No, no, no.

No, just, yeah, don't bother.

Do you want lifesaver at the meal?

Just in case.

Am I paying for him?

£1.80.

Do you.

I mean, do you think maybe you should buy him a meal or something?

Do you think maybe?

Oh,

it was like two years.

if you took lifesaver for a meal

and which you know I think that would be a nice thing

and they came over and said still or sparkling

before you could say tap he said can I get a bottle of sparkling please?

I'd say I'll think I'll ruler for us

He's we're not

the garden tap please remember trust me lifesaver you'll like this

You didn't even you got lucky.

You didn't even know how to do it.

You got lucky.

He got lucky.

He did.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay, we both got lucky.

Lucky day for him.

Yeah.

Just going for what is his hourly sanctioned exercise during COVID.

Spends half of it trying to stop an idiot choking on Beetroot.

Gets spit all over him.

Goes home, has the fucking bathe in hand sanitiser because Joe Wilkinson off to telly gob beetroot spit all over him.

Oh, I'm a lucky guy.

Did he get gob on it?

Are you a man?

No, the car got gob on it.

Do you think the Heimlich is done face-to-face, Job?

I refuse.

Your breath stinks.

That would be awful.

I knew the risk's going in.

It'd be awful if you did the front on Heimlich with someone and they...

gobbed out what they had straight down the back of your throat

just retired back and forth

We should stop this.

It gets smaller every time.

Sorry, at one point, one of you just swallows it.

Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

We got lucky.

We should go for dinner.

Nah, we shouldn't.

Has Lifesaver saved anyone else's life?

No, he didn't get it.

The one time's enough.

Walks past other people now.

Nah, done it

not doing it again

let's get into your dream menu proper Joe Wilkinson dream starter um okay

I've listened to pod a lot and um these are my genuine ones because I was worried you might think um but I would like a prawn cocktail

popular choice

oh yeah cool

I thought it might be

laughed you know frowned upon to have because the last couple, like

the last couple of listened to, people were talking about restaurants I hadn't heard of.

And so I felt overwhelmed.

And I was looking at my answer going,

prawn cocktail.

I'll tell you the perfect prawn cocktail.

Yes, please.

It's simple.

It's thinly sliced iceberg lettuce.

Frozen porn, prawns that have been defrosted for...

Did I say porn?

You said porn.

You said frozen porn.

You said frozen porn.

Because that's that's a whole other yeah frozen porn but the animation

frozen porn

is that the what would that be frozen porn like the disney cartoon but a porno version is that

no it's exactly like that but they haven't got any treasures absolutely smashed to shit

poor old olaf no no one touching that carrot for a good long time

afterwards

that's been back and forth like some beetroot

People letting it go all over the place, I'd imagine.

Yeah.

You're the one who said you like it.

Sorry.

Yes, and in your thing.

You like frozen porn.

You said you like frozen porn.

You can't take that back.

Everyone heard it.

You said you love it.

You said, I like frozen porn.

You came on a podcast and said that.

Let it go.

Very good.

It's good stuff.

It's good stuff.

It's pretty unnerving that voice, isn't it?

Yes, no.

Scary.

Can't be asked now.

You like frozen prawns?

The little frozen prawns.

Prawns, defrosted, iceberg lettuce, thinly cut.

Then a combination of tomato puree with mayonnaise, whisked together, popped on the top, end of.

So, like, proper, like, 70s

bog standard.

Maybe some proprietor.

Is it?

I don't know how to say it.

Paprika.

Yes, that word, paprika.

Paprika.

On the top for no reason.

Yeah.

And

a slice of lemon that you pick up and go.

And then that.

But you want it there, even though you're going to pick it up and go, huh.

Do you want that?

No.

You never have done that.

You never squeezed the the lemon.

No, no.

It's there for decoration, isn't it?

I don't think it is.

Oh, Joe.

It was one person, Joe, and I think it's the same person who said, let it go.

It's not for decoration.

It tastes really nice.

It's great with crawls.

Well, I'll be surprised if it tastes any nicer than the way.

Cheers.

Do you make this at home, Joe?

My mum makes it when I go over to her house.

Fantastic.

How often is that happening?

Well, how often do I go over?

About every two or three weeks on the way to football.

Only because I'm going to football.

Someone genuinely tried to start a round of applause for Joe visiting his mum.

Yeah.

Here's the visiting the mums, guys.

I'll tell you what, that would have been...

The round of applause would have been started by a mum who thinks her kids don't come over enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But to be fair, I'm there about 40 minutes.

Quick prawn cocktail and out, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No time to squeeze the lemon in 40 minutes.

There's no lemon at mum's.

Does she make you a prawn cocktail every time you go over there?

Every time, but if my other half isn't there because she doesn't like prawns, mum will go.

Yeah.

And we don't.

If we don't have to say anything, there'll be a prawn cocktail.

I bet every time, every time your mum says, when it's just you, it goes over, she goes, I've made you a prawn cocktail because I know she doesn't like that.

Yeah, yeah.

And then she'll say, Well, you're married now.

So we'll have prawn cocktail

and then I'll go to football.

Yeah, so yeah, she doesn't mean prawn cocktail.

And it's in, it's obviously got to be in a glass that you can no longer buy.

I think there,

what's the garage used to be able to get old glasses at?

SO, yeah.

Those

sort

arms in an SO glass.

But you weren't expected to shout that tonight, were you?

I'm going to shout any garage.

What do you mean you used to get glass?

I think this part's going to be a little bit more.

Oh, yeah, I forget you're

young.

In the 80s, used to collect,

it sounds like I'm making this up now.

Used to collect vouchers with petrol, and and then for some reason, randomly, they go, there's a glass.

But it's not really a shape I can use.

Oh, no.

And then for some reason, we never threw them away.

Kept them.

And then,

sort of 40 years later, you'd make prawn cocktails.

And it just works.

So, yeah, my mum's prawn cocktail.

It does sound bad.

Yeah, I was toying around that.

And I don't think I'm insulting you by saying that.

I think you know that.

But what is it about that that makes it better than these Lardi-Dar prawn cocktails?

But you said

there was a big cheer when you said prawn cocktail.

And then when you described it, there was a significant drop-off.

Yeah.

Nor in the frozen prawns, Nafu.

The frozen, little tiny, teeny frozen prawns, I think, is where people may have jumped off off board.

No, i don't think so

um

i if i'm honest i don't think there is a fancy prawn cocktail they're all quite um i'm gonna say it shit

your dream meal joe but it's your dream meal

if it's about the connection with your mother and it's like nostalgia and nice memories yeah yeah and it tastes excellent okay yeah but fancy prawn cocktails there are fancier ones with like big those big prawns.

Yeah, that annoys me.

I don't like any prawn.

It annoys me when they leave it in the shell.

Fuck you.

I know it tastes nice to cook it in the head and all that, but still take it off for me.

Yeah.

If I'm

paying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which, I mean, you haven't really paid anything so far in the meal.

No.

No.

Your mum's becoming my dreams.

Yeah.

So you've got free water, your mum's made it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Crusty bread, I guess.

You're paying for the crusty bread so far, right?

I assumed that was free.

Yeah.

Don't bring it over if I haven't asked for it.

Yeah, fair enough.

It's a tricky moment where you double check.

That's free, right?

Continue.

I like you're saying all these things as if they're purely universal.

I'm so relatable.

I'm just checking.

I don't pay for my mum's prawn cocktails.

I don't know, you tell us, does she make you pay every time?

When you visit?

Rarely.

I'm just saying.

No, I haven't paid.

I just realized I haven't paid for anything yet, so this is excellent.

Yeah.

How many prawns do you normally get?

Too many.

Yeah.

Too many.

Yeah.

And

the amount of sauce to prawns must vary every time you have it.

Go, fucking hell, that's a lot of sauce.

Fucking hardly got any this time.

there's a sort of excitement when it's brought out fucking hell

the size of that the lemp that lemon wedge

what sauce to prawn ratio is your dream ratio uh a lot of prawns and a lot of sauce

it's a sort of 100 hundred ratio yeah 100 to 100 yeah yeah heavy prawn perfectly coated with the my amount of sauce no look like the the lettuce is

Have you had a prawn?

You basically,

you put the lettuce in there and then you stack the prawns in, and then you sort of dollop a bit like

a whippy ice cream.

So it's sort of precarious on the top.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you smear it yourself.

Oh, lovely.

It's one of the smear-it-yourself meals.

Yeah, exactly.

Like Nobo, which I heard about last week.

Is that the one?

Nobo?

No, Nabar, Nobo.

No, you're talking about a restaurant that you'd all heard of.

Nobu.

Nobu, yeah.

Yeah, not Nobo.

Well done, whoever got that.

What is it?

We have no idea how much time you just saved us.

Nobo, no boo.

Nobu.

Nobu, yeah.

You're all heard of that, haven't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

So

fair enough.

You'd all been.

So that's like a

smear it yourself, is it?

That's what you think.

Yeah, like at Nubu.

So you think Nobu is a smear-it-yourself restaurant.

They bring it over and they go, and of course, you can smear this yourself.

I think I will.

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Your dream main course, Joe.

What's following up this quite confusing prawn cocktail?

Chicken key of chips and peas.

I knew that as soon as he ended.

A lot of people.

It's been a while.

I think this might be the first time on the podcast you've had a meal that is exclusively eaten on your lap.

That's if I'm getting the hose through the window.

Chicken Kiev, chips and peas.

Yeah.

Now, I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe.

Well, we're we're not eating in a restaurant, no.

Whose house is this at?

Stevens.

Tell us about Steven, yeah.

Went to school with him, and he lives opposite his mum.

Bought

the house opposite his mum.

Yeah,

do you know what?

It's at my house, actually.

Can't be looking at his mum's house.

Do you want to hear more about my house um yeah so it's probably

from waitrose

yeah because i haven't spit yeah you can't go do that to him now

after his big chicken kiev chips and peas

um two i'm having two kievs respect yeah respect it's the only way it's the only way yeah people are leaving on that controversial

all right i'll have a double kiev that pushed him over the edge he's actually come

Some people can't handle the truth.

Yeah, man.

Gone.

Gone forever.

You know what I mean?

He might have been.

I'm not going to eat all of it, mate.

They just looked.

When does Waitrose shut?

Yeah.

Shuts it mine, mate.

He did have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a key.

Yeah.

Oh, get us one, will you do?

So double Kiev.

Yeah, two Kievs.

And what's in...

Because obviously you can get different chicken Kievs sometimes.

Yes?

That was going to be one of the options.

Also, you can't get different types.

Okay.

No, that's a chicken Kiev is garlic butter, right?

Yeah.

I've just seen them get called chicken Kievs but have other stuff in them before.

Like what?

They've got what?

Stuffing in there.

Other stuff in there like they chuck some

in there or whatever.

No, no.

Other chicken cordon blur with ham and it's amazing what they'll turn.

I've They've turned.

It's the biggest faux pie I've ever made on the tour.

Yeah.

I'm absolutely with them.

How much garlic butter do you want in there?

Doesn't matter, it'll all seep out while it cooks.

Doesn't matter.

It'll all be coating the bottom.

Yeah.

And when you cut into it, it's completely hollow.

Perfect.

I've forgotten it's in there, so it's slightly too cooked.

Slightly too brown.

So you're making this at home, that's your dream.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, then I don't have to go out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So all the garlic butter's like just on the baking tray or whatever?

Yeah, yeah, but then you

pour the butter back over

the kivs, and you said you tell the other person you put the equal amount on both.

Are you also though, Whenever I've made this dish

I'll also pour the garlic butter over the peas at least most likely also the chips and just like get a little bit of

you're wrong but

should be soaking into the

into the crust of the Kiev but

yeah.

I do like the hollowness of it as well.

You like the hollowness.

Yeah.

So you don't want so it would be awful for you you if you got the Kiev out of the oven and none of the butter had escaped, that it's all in there.

Well, I'd cut the side and put it back in.

You'd breach, you'd breach the Kiev, and then

it needs to all be in the pan.

Yeah.

Also, if you're making this yourself, are you gobbling beetroot the whole time?

Is there some beetroot being eaten the whole time you make it?

I have beetroot.

I've got beetroot in the house at the moment, actually.

I've got three.

It's a bit of a bugbear for Petra.

Sorry, Petra, but I usually have one.

It's not even my other half anymore, just the first name.

Petra, she's there.

Yeah, yeah.

There'll be

about four or five half-empty jars in the fridge, and

we'll be in Sainsbury's and I'll pop another one in the basket.

That'll be an awkward drive home.

Are you going to put them all in one jar?

Nope.

Are you getting through them eventually, or is there just a constant cycle of...

No, there's...

Well, there's that awkward moment where you um you pour it in the sink, and there's a few

loose ones in the bottom.

You think

why not?

That'd be the worst one to choke on, a sink one.

Yeah, yeah,

oh, taste like toothpaste.

Um,

hold on,

I've done, yeah, I eat them over the bathroom sink.

That's where you pour them out out as well when the jars are done.

You go up to the bathroom.

I go out to the bathroom.

Check that no one's in there.

Yeah.

And then I go, and if they go, do you mind if I quickly

eat some beetroot?

Someone just shouted out the worst pun I've ever heard.

Oh, what was it?

What was it?

Said,

be true to yourself.

Oh, I wish there was a way of deleting that.

Oh, edit it out.

The issue with beetroot for me is: if I eat beetroot, and I know you're the same, I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me

in a few hours' time that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet, I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer.

But I

change, yeah.

How do you how do you celebrate a beetroot shit?

That's not the response I was expecting to that.

But you, you go, you go, fucking up.

Hey, beetroot.

Should we go on a bike ride?

But what I'm worried about with you, Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly.

Just don't ever look behind you.

But I'm just worried you're never going to spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong.

Oh, yeah.

I'll take a week off.

Can't say further than that.

What were we talking about?

You said wait rows for your chicken kid.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I will have Sainsbury's.

Actually, Sainsbury's is cheaper.

Because if you if you

if you cook little tip if you um yeah if you overcook

a chicken Kiev by about 15 minutes they all taste the same

because

overcooked.

Yeah but then it doesn't if you buy a cheap one you go that's it because it's burnt, it tastes the same as a so that but so I don't understand this this feels like a false economy joke because you don't have to overcook them.

What do you mean?

You buy a nice one and cook it right, then it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right.

So, why don't you just do that rather than why are you overcooking all of them to make them taste the same?

Because I'm in the middle of a box set.

What's the box set?

Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama.

I never bother learning the names of them.

It's a detective in a town up north.

That's all I know.

And it's very well cast.

So you're getting into that.

Yeah, and I forget I'm cooking it.

Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready?

What alarm?

An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you?

Two good answers.

To To be fair.

To be fair, two good answers.

He's got me there.

Would you like to be in an ITB drama one day, Joe?

Do you think you would be good in one of those shows?

No, because I love them too much.

I don't want to go, fucking hell, it's me.

I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it.

And then be taken out of the...

Maybe it'd be good if you could get in one, right?

Even just walk-on part.

And then then at some point go i've do you mind if i do a bit of improv look down the camera and go joe you've got a keyv in the oven

perfect

i'd probably have to fund the show wouldn't i

worth it

we know you love spending money yeah absolutely the last person i've actually saved a fortune over the years so

thinking about that

now um so far you've achieved applause for most courses which no one else has on the tour

despite having the worst meet huh yeah

sorry but yes sorry we've not really talked about the chips and peas oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah let's hear how delicious these are

anyone else i'll be like yeah let's hear about these this is going to be oh you know those really small peas that are too small yeah and they're not and they don't mean and they're like they're like shrivelled up because they've met them into long i want i want it like that they're like

you've boiled them for too long and the water's gone all scummy and really low.

I want those peas.

And chips, I want them when they're either too soggy and anemic looking,

or you've just got them out when they're perfect but then forgot about them and they're cold now.

I want those ones.

And with like ketchup that's still got like a weird residue on it, I'd like those, please.

I'm getting hungry here.

Can I have the wine again, please, Ed?

Yeah.

Pass the wine to James, Joe, and then pass it back to him, please.

Well, the one thing I will say, I'm not buying the chips and peas in Waitrose.

No?

Fuck off.

You're going to a different supermarket for the chips and peas, right?

Yeah, a Tesco's or a Sainsbury's or an Aldi or whatever.

But yeah,

whatever oven chips are in there.

What?

Sorry.

you drifted off there.

Whatever chips and oven

whatever chips and peas are in there.

Whatever oven chips are in there.

Well peas are all the same.

So

they are fuck off, right?

You look at them and you go, okay, yeah, these ones with a fucking farmer on the front.

Yeah, whatever.

Or the

basic green label one, I'll have those, yeah.

They're the same, aren't they?

They're from the same factory.

Factory?

Pea factory.

A pee factory.

I suppose there was a factory involved at some point.

Have you seen the machine that rolls them?

Two little fingers.

So yeah, any old peas.

But I'll be honest, I'll buy some, but I'll have some in the freezer anyway.

Yeah.

In the dogger.

Rolled out the bag.

I think it's the first time anyone's picked oven chips for their dream menu, James.

I really like that.

Maybe it is the first oven chips one we've had.

Is it McCain oven chips?

I never really take a notice of what ones they are.

Do you like these crinkle cut like yellow?

I like crinkle cut, yeah.

I think they're, you know, people go.

Yeah, they're all the same, aren't they?

They're all the same.

They're all the same.

Yeah, to me, yeah.

Okay.

So I'm not.

We've talked talked about oven chips before.

Oven chips taste like ovens.

You seem really weary.

Well, we always say, Joe, I think what we're good at as podcast hosts is we reflect the energy of the guests.

It's weird if we don't, yeah, we have to go with you on your journey, and you've dragged us into the,

I'm going to say, shit.

Is it fair to say, Joe, that even when, you know, I think you probably started doing stand-up a little bit before me and James.

You can't tell, though.

We did a lot of gigs together

years and years ago.

Would you say that you've never had a thirst for life performance?

No, no, I've

never overrun, have I?

No.

That's never been.

No.

Never overrun.

In fact,

the proudest you've ever been of a gig.

Do you remember the gig that you told me about?

Oh, the Hastings one.

Yeah.

That is amazing.

I'll be honest, that is amazing.

I did a gig in Hastings.

I've got the train down and I was booked to do a 20-minute set, but I was running late.

And I got there at one minute to nine, and I was on at nine.

So I ran straight in the pub.

I did the gig, I got back off the gig, got back on the train, looked at my watch, and it was 16 minutes past nine.

I've been in the town for 17 years.

Also, back when we were doing lots of gigs on the circuit, I think you were the only comedian who we'd regularly all get texts off regularly.

I think you must have had a list saved on your phone about comedians, like 10 minutes before a gig, going, Can anyone replace me at this time?

Every time, every time.

Or some promoter being like, Hey, everyone, Joe if you can help us out.

Joe Robinson just pulled out.

We've got five minutes to do his show.

Like panicking, because you've just gone.

Yeah.

Also, you told me that you used to book a gig, you used to accept a gig.

So you go, yep, yep, I'll do it.

You'd book it, you'd hang up, and then you'd set a reminder to cancel it.

And you're fine.

Yeah.

I thought, ooh, must cancel that next Thursday.

Also, immediately

I ever got from you was, can anyone replace me in Liverpool tonight?

I'm on the train on the way there, and I've shit my pants

yeah I did that deliberately

a bit too hard that time

move on to your dream side dish Joe Joe will

more peas

well I'll be honest, chicken kid, chips and peas doesn't need any...

Of course not.

No, why would it need anything else?

All right, put the peas in a pot.

Do you mean it like that?

That'd be quite good pouring out one at a time.

Yeah, stick them in a tub or something.

Yeah.

A ramekin.

I've learned that word recently.

Oh, yeah?

Not

the word lamp, but ramekins in your rotation is.

One week at a time.

What I really like about this,

backstage, Joe was going, I just want to let you know, like, I've picked genuinely what I want.

And it's it's going to sound like I'm joking, but it's genuinely my dream meal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which I believe because, and I, I mean, you won't take this badly, but like, you're a man who you enjoy disappointment.

You learn to love it.

Yeah, like, I think,

like, specifying that you want the Kiev

to already have bled all the garlic butter and be hollow,

which

is

offering you

what if it could retain it all and it's all in there and you were like, well, I would just cut it and put it back in

and sabotage yourself.

You threw that back in my face, Joe, as well.

I'm sorry if I did that.

But I don't doubt for a second that's genuinely what you want.

I know that

it might seem to people like, oh, he's just winding them up.

No, no.

You genuinely, when you said more peas,

that's not a joke.

No,

when we have them, my other half doesn't really like peas.

You know my name.

Petra doesn't really like peas, but I do loads.

Do loads of peas.

And sometimes at the end, I drink them out of the sieve.

When she's not in the kitchen.

You had Paul Rudd on last week, didn't you?

He said the same stuff, but we edited that out.

Fucking hell.

We're like, we've got Joe on next week.

Yeah, we don't want to.

Are you having, like, is there going to be ketchup and stuff with you?

Yeah, loads.

Loads.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I'll take the ketchup into

the lounge with me.

So you're eating in the lounge, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Take a picture of your dream lounge, Joe.

It's my lounge.

Where I live.

Three nights out lounge, innit, Pete.

What are we talking?

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

We've got a nice lounge, haven't we?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice lunch.

Everything towards the terry.

So you take the ketchup through with the...

Yeah, because I'll eat a lot of ketchup.

How much are we talking?

What, a percentage of a bottle?

Yeah, I guess so.

Or

how long's the initial squeeze?

Well, it won't be a big squeeze to begin with because I don't want to look

you know, rough round the edges.

Joe, you have a plate on your lap

a hollow kiev and the worst peas i've ever seen

but what are you talking about

but i am in a tuxedo

we should have known it's kiev night we dress up of course we dress up

so i'll do um

i'll do a normal amount of squeeze you know like a third of a bottle

And then

add to it every four to five minutes.

And are you just dipping chips in that, or is the Kiev going in that are the peak?

It's everywhere.

We've paused the telly at this point as well.

To be clear, because we don't know who's murdered who.

And I fell asleep last night, so we're re-watching the episode that Petra's already seen.

So she's on her phone.

Are you eating dire, like, you got the plate directly on your lap?

No, it's on a, uh, it's on a,

what were these called?

Coffee table.

It's not a cloud coffee table.

I know it's not a common word like ramekin.

It's a good word, ramakin, but the, the, the coffee table's quite low, so it's.

So you're hunched over it.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's, it's, I'll say it's grotesque to watch.

Also with the ketchup and the squid, like,

I would imagine, tell me if I'm wrong, Jason,

But because, like, it was a big day.

I remember some of you might be too young to remember this day, but it's quite a big day when Heinz decided to flip the bottle upside down.

Well, basically, turn the label upside down, I guess.

Yeah, and then we're all like, oh, yeah, fuck, that's a good idea.

And a wider, and of course, a wider lid.

Wider lid.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't know.

So that you have it like that.

Because for ages, we'd all just been going like that, because that was the way you read the label.

And then they went, if we turn this that way, look, you put it like that, and then all the sources is there.

That's brilliant.

I imagine, though,

that you still have it that way

with the label upside down and all the source there and the lid up top.

I use it so much, it never has time to settle.

You stay back.

Yeah, it's just,

it's always moving.

You've invented perpetual motion, haven't you?

Yeah.

Ketchup, perpetual motion.

And all ketchup's the same as well.

Oh, okay.

That's the first time you've said something controversial for this crowd.

All ketchup.

Looks like

the old feeling of tiring as catching.

So all ketchup's the same?

Yeah, it's all the same factory.

So,

hi, you said that.

I just don't care.

I just like something red on my plate.

It's all about the colour.

Yeah, whatever.

Like, ketchup, I know it tastes different, but it doesn't matter, is what I'm saying.

Just as long as I have ketchup.

Well, not, you know, some people say, oh, I have to be Heinz or whatever.

I don't care.

So you don't have a favourite ketchup?

No, as long as there's some.

I bought one of those

tomatoes that you squeeze.

The plastic tomatoes that you squeeze, yeah.

Not a tomato squeeze.

Do you know what everyone thought?

The one that they grow for you to squeeze.

No, but

I never saw the pot.

I never had time to put it in there.

What?

Well, I've never had a bottle that's had enough to fill

the

tomatoes, so I've never, never bothered.

I don't know where it is now.

So you've got an empty tomato, aren't you?

Somewhere in the house.

Yeah.

I assume the kitchen.

So you bought one of those.

How quickly was it before you looked at it and thought, I'm never fucking putting anything in that?

Yeah, immediately, I think.

It's nice to have, isn't it?

It's kooky.

I'd say if you're going sieve to mouth with the peas,

getting one of those plastic tomatoes is ambitious.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a bit showy, isn't it?

Yeah.

Your dream drink, Joe Wilkinson.

What are we imagining this is going to be?

Yeah.

Tap water.

Remember, you've got the water coming out my hose already, so.

Yes, you've already got that, Joe.

This isn't normally an audience suggestion.

I do agree Joe is leaving a very long pause.

I think I'll go for a mango magic.

Now Joe.

Don't give me that look, Edward.

Have you ever had a mango magic?

That was my next next question.

What's a mango magic?

I don't know.

I had one on holiday.

It was delicious.

This is good.

This is more traditional off-menu fare.

Whereabouts were you on holiday?

Okay.

Spain, I think.

Petrolechi looking at it.

Where was it, P?

Oh, she's gone home fair enough.

It's not, to be fair, it's not been the best night out for her.

Fair play, love.

Just don't watch an episode of that.

She's got over to put the Kavs in the oven.

You'll be facing.

She'll be back in an hour and a half.

They'll be ready by then.

It's like a

mango drink.

Yeah.

So you're in Spain?

Is it alcoholic?

No.

No.

No.

Is it like a smoothie?

Is it a smoothie?

Joe, you know what a smoothie is?

Is it a smoothie?

You know what a fucking smoothie is, Joe.

It was ages ago.

Yep.

It was on your dream menu, remember?

You brought it up.

We didn't say...

Joe, Joe, tell us what a mango magic is.

Is it a juice?

Is it more of a mango juice?

I'd say it was a bit of both.

Smoothie and a juice.

Not really, though.

That doesn't.

That's it.

But it was.

All I could tell you it was lovely.

Right.

Do you remember?

So you're in Spain, you think.

It was a mixture of a smoothie and a juice, you think.

Where's near Tenerife?

We're past that.

We're past that.

I don't care where you were.

Tenerife.

I'd like to know what the drink is first.

And then we can figure out geographically where you were when you had had...

So hang on.

About three and a half hours from Catwick.

Okay, okay.

I couldn't tell you if it was north, south, east, or west, though.

Was it Tenerife?

Was it Tenerife you were in?

No, it was near Tenerife.

Right.

So I think, yeah,

it's probably Spanish-owned, wherever you were.

I didn't understand a word they were saying.

Okay.

You understood mango magic, eh?

Yeah, well, luckily everything was in English.

So was this on a beach?

Was this in a bar?

It was in a Chinese restaurant.

And it was on Christmas Day.

What?

No, it wasn't Christmas Day.

Yeah, it was.

It was on Christmas Day.

Yeah, yeah.

In a Chinese restaurant.

Joe, what the fuck is it?

Fucking Spanish islands, you don't know what it is.

Yeah.

And you had a mango magic.

Yeah.

That's why it's so memorable.

Why were you on a Spanish island in a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day?

Because we fancy the Chinese.

Paul Rudd was on last week.

So.

What do you have at a Chinese restaurant?

Noodles, rice.

Yeah.

You like those things?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit, I should have had them.

We start again.

What was it about the mango magic?

It was ice cold.

It was ice cold.

You liked that.

Yeah.

Did it have ice in it?

I swear to high Christ.

It was amazing what you did there because James regained some hope in his eyes because there was a bit of momentum.

There was a back and forth, wasn't there?

It was ice cold.

Did they have ice in it?

And then...

No, I just think they kept it somewhere cold.

Where do you think that might have been, Joe?

Well, not Tenerife.

Boiling.

Even on Christmas Day, but it wasn't Tenerife, you know what I mean?

One of the other islands.

Cold mango magic.

Cold mango magic.

So it was in the fridge, we imagine it was in the fridge.

It was a mixture between a smoothie and a

juice.

It was hard to suck.

Okay, so

it's a smoothie.

Yeah.

It's a smoothie or a shake, then?

Yeah.

If it's hard to suck.

I think it might even be approaching a sorbet, but I don't want to open that.

Yeah.

I feel like it was like a mango sorbet type drink.

And Joe's tried to suck it up with a strawberry.

And he tried to suck it up with a straw.

But I don't want to ask him if it was a sorbet.

There's no way for it.

If I can't hear you though,

hello Joe.

So I don't think it was a sorbet.

Yeah.

No?

No.

Because I had it early in the meal.

And you have sorbet at the end, don't you?

Yeah.

Traditionally, Joe, yeah.

Yes.

But you eat beeter it while you're cooking, so you flip things on its head sometimes.

Sometimes you get drinks that are like frozen, like a frozen margarita or something, which is kind of like a sorbet-type, like melted

situation.

So, like, maybe you've got like a melted sorbet mango drink and it is in the drink section, and you've got it.

It is possible,

but we will never know.

And did it, it tasted really mango-y, did it?

Yeah, it was bright yellow.

Like a mango.

It was really mango, isn't it?

Yeah.

Orange is what we're probably.

Mangoes are yellow, aren't they?

I'm willing to admit that.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Look, I'll pick my battles at this point.

I'm having a lovely time.

Umbrella?

Did it have an umbrella in it?

No, it wasn't that kind of restaurant.

So I've never been to a Chinese restaurant in Tenerife on Christmas Day.

No.

Hard to eat Chinese outside, it turns out.

Yeah, why?

Just you just sweat a lot.

Merry Christmas, man.

Yeah.

That was a good Christmas.

How busy was the restaurant that day?

Oh, almost empty.

Yeah.

You and you have a half.

Yeah.

Having a Chinese meal on Christmas Day together.

Reading a good book.

Well, I talked at her.

There's not big gaps in the other reps, is there?

We'll edit all these out, Joe.

Cool, thanks.

Actually, we can't edit them out for you because it really just, you know, it's why it's the way this is.

Yeah, you can hear the audience in between, so it would be weird because it would be suddenly, we're cutting off.

You can hear their eyes rolling.

I guess, I mean, it feels like we should ask you why

you were in a Chinese restaurant in Tenerife on Christmas Day.

But...

Well, last time I asked that, he said, we fancied a Chinese.

Yeah, yeah, no, sorry, yes, you fancied a Chinese.

Yeah, I think I've answered it.

It'll be the same, yeah.

I don't know what more I can say.

It took some doing to find one, actually.

But then where we found one, there was two.

How did you pick between the two?

The other one looks a lot fancier.

That would have been too nice.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah it's not like it's Christmas or anything

straight into the scummy one tweet a drink you don't even know what it is

we arrive at your dream dessert Joe

normally I'm excited for this

have you ever seen a Vienetta being made

Have you ever seen a Vienna being made?

Yeah,

I've watched a lot of videos of Viennese being made.

I like Viennetta.

Yeah.

But I've not seen them being made.

Fucking hell, it's quick.

That's what you want.

They make, I'd say,

what did you say, about 500 a minute?

Don't think I would say that, actually, Joe.

Well, you're watching a different video from me.

They make one long Vienetta and they chop it.

And then they chop it up, yeah.

It's fucking incredible.

I was going to say Vienetta anyway, but after seeing the video.

Oh, did the video put you off?

No.

It's impressive.

Cemented it.

Cemented it, yeah.

We love Vienetta, don't we, P?

She's just gone.

She nice.

She's gone, yeah.

Georgia, can you tell, can you text Petra and tell her we love Viennetta?

So, Vienetta, which I would have had anyway,

but because it's off-menu, I'll say mint Vienetta, but I don't

but I don't mean it

because it's off-menu, you'll say mint Vienetta, yeah, you know,

what do you think this podcast is?

This podcast isn't people choosing fancy stuff, Joe.

It's choosing stuff, and this will surprise you even more, they genuinely like.

Yeah, I like Vienetta.

If you gave me, there were two Viennetta on the table, and

most people wanted the normal one, not the mint one, okay, I'll have the mint one.

But this is this is your dream dream meal, Joe.

Why are you inventing these people coming in and going,

Oh, I want that actually?

And you go, Yeah, fucking have it then.

I'll have my second choice then.

Fine.

Well, what I'm saying is, I wouldn't be that disappointed if I had if there was only mint.

But imagine this is your dream.

You can abolish all disappointment.

You don't need to be that,

I won't be that disappointed.

Imagine not being disappointed at all, Joe, in your dream.

Have you ever had a nice dream, Joe?

Imagine getting the thing that you want.

That's all we're asking you, buddy.

Have you ever had a dream where it's gone well beginning to end without anyone interrupting it?

I've always got my trousers and pants down outside my old school.

Right, so you've got no time to sleep.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

That's called a bit of business.

Good stuff.

How happy are you now?

Ah, chuff.

Wonderful.

I should be happy.

Good stuff.

What was the question?

Yeah, Vienetta.

Have you been to the windmill in Brighton?

Have I been to the what?

The windmill.

What, the pub or the actual windmill?

It's a...

Fucking, why would I be asking you?

There's a windmill.

Okay.

There's a couple, actually, and both are excellent.

The pub.

Yes.

Have you?

So one of their new things on the menu is they do a Vienetta affogato.

Where what?

So they're doing.

What's an affogato?

Okay.

Yeah.

I knew it as soon as I said it was.

Whatever it is, they just ballsed up a Vietnam.

They've got an espresso over it.

Yeah, fuck off.

Take that off.

Take that off.

Generally a delicious thing that I've had in this town.

Get it off.

Bowls, Vienetta.

Get that off.

It's good.

If you haven't been been to the windmill and you live around here go there and get and and at the very least yeah get that vionetta afogato can you get it without the afog whatever yeah i'm sure you could go and say to them i've noticed here

it says you have a vionetta afogata where you where you get um vionetta and you pour a shot of espresso over it and also it says here on the menu that uh there's some hazelnut praline on the bottom of the glass as well.

Can I have that without the praline or the shot in a spurt of it?

Oh, just like a block of Vienna like I could get at home.

Is that okay?

Can I bring myself together?

My name is Joe Wilkinson.

Do you know what?

I'll leave it.

I'll have it home.

We like Vienetta, don't we?

Oh, she's not talking to me.

Yeah, we'll have it.

I'll answer for her.

She's in the middle of chapter two.

She's bedded into the characters now.

I mean, look.

I love Vienetta.

Vienna's fucking amazing.

Yeah.

It is an incredible character.

It is great.

Richard Osman chose Vienetta.

Oh, that makes me feel good.

You like Richard Osman?

Yeah, he's a clever Klox.

He's written loads of books.

How do you write books?

I'd imagine you'd seen the cover of his book, Quite a Lot Across a Meal in a Restaurant, while you're pointing at your larynx.

And you just,

all you can see is like the donkey who died twice, or whatever the fucking book's called.

It's a good one, that.

Just thinking about me and Osmond having the same dessert.

Yeah, feels good.

Yeah, I'll have the mint one if he wants the normal one.

He's not, this is not.

With off-menu, we don't go, well, you've had the same thing as him, so you'll need to share.

Oh, okay.

I'll have half his then.

Joe, will you pass the wine to James?

Thank you.

Thank you, Joe.

Oh, we've just been told by the great Benito that Richard Osmond chose mint Vienetta.

Oh, so I can

have the

normal one.

I can have the plain one.

Yeah, but I can't stress enough, even if he hadn't, you could have still had the normal one.

Yeah, no matter what,

you've got more than one.

You can have what, yes, actually, yes.

And you can have whatever you like in the whole world, Joe.

Yeah, I'll have a Vienetta, please.

Plain.

Plain, yeah.

At home.

yeah.

Do you realize 80% of your meal has come from your own freezer?

The freezer, Joe.

Yeah, I've got a freezer.

What about it?

How long before you eat it, you get the Vienna out the freezer?

That is a bloody good question.

I have never been able to wait long enough for it to

be soft and better.

Yes, okay.

So it's always too too hard, but I'm in now.

So it's one of the lines from Frozen Porn, isn't it?

I love a callback.

That was a beautiful moment.

First guest to join in with it.

Oh, was I not meant to, did you?

No, that was great.

No, it was perfect.

So many rules.

It's made my day, Joe.

Yeah, Yeah, it's made my day, Joe.

And I can't exaggerate enough.

Until now, it was one of the worst days I've ever had.

So, with the Kiev, you're forgetting about the Kiev, leaving it in the oven, watching your show.

With the Vienetta, it's so on your mind all of the time that you can't leave it to defrost.

No, I just won't.

I'll have forgot, like, I'll have

I'll be slightly feeling slightly sick from how much Kiev and chips I've had.

But I'll be would go, oh, I go, come on, let's get on with it.

Get the Vienetta out.

But you probably know this, you're meant to let Vienetta rest.

That is the term that's on the box.

But I'll be honest, we don't.

We eat it straight away.

How are you hacking into it?

Have you?

Oh, we've got a special knife.

A Vienetta knife.

What damage did you get that for?

Got a cake slice I use.

Nice.

Yes, it's a lovely meal I've made, isn't it?

Want to read that meal back to you now, Joe?

See how you feel about it.

You would like tap water from Ed's Garden Tap.

You want nice crusty bread that doesn't fill you up.

You want your mum's prawn cocktail.

You want two chicken kieves and waitrose with chips and peas not from Waitrose and loads of ketchup.

You want more peas and a ramekin?

You want a mango magic from a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day.

And for dessert, you want a plain Fionetta.

Joe Wilkinson.

The off-menu menu of Joe Wilkinson.

Thank you very much, Joe Wilkinson, everybody.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you so much for coming.

You've been absolutely brilliant.

Thank you very much.

Don't forget that.

Goodbye, Brighton.

There we are.

Fantastic episode.

We love being in Brighton.

It was a great show.

It was so good.

Only one night in Brighton.

Residency, though.

It's a residency still.

Do listen to Joe's podcast with David Earl Chatterbix, wherever you listen to your podcast.

We've both been guests on it, James.

Well, don't remind me.

That's the vibe of Chatterbix.

James, that's a compliment to Chatterbix, the way James said that.

Yeah, those twisted fucks.

They'll like that.

I think there's also some episodes of Joe talking about coming to do the show you just listened to as well.

So you can get the full, complete history of the evening when Joe was booked for it, what he was going to do, him coming to the show, how he feels about it afterwards.

So yeah, you can really delve into everything that happened.

But it's a very funny podcast.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.