Ep 241: Mike Wozniak (Live in London)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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I have.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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The ocean delights us.

Some marvel at the colorful world below the surface.

The ocean feeds us.

Others find nourishment in its bounty.

The ocean teaches us how our everyday choices impact even the deepest places.

The ocean moves us, whether we're riding a wave or soaking in its breathtaking beauty.

The ocean connects us.

Find your connection at Monterey BayAquarium.org/slash connects.

Oh, ding-a-ling, it's Saturday.

Oh, it's a bonus episode, a live off-menu tour show.

Our second and final night in London.

It was at the Palladium, and our special guest is the wonderful Mike Wozniak.

Everyone's favorite Taskmaster contestant.

Third.

Yes.

Yes.

Third.

Judy Love.

Judy Love.

Fern Brady Mike Wozniak.

Oh, yeah.

Now,

there will be some callbacks to the first half.

Might not make sense.

But listen, the secret ingredient...

And this effort won't make sense.

The weird little milks in hotels.

Yes, UHT milks.

That's the secret ingredient.

It doesn't have to make sense because I think that would be a brilliant secret ingredient for a regular episode.

We wouldn't need to explain it, really.

There were some nights on this tour where the audience would suggest a secret ingredient and I'd think, surely we've already done that.

Yeah.

And we hadn't.

And I almost felt like ashamed.

Yeah.

It's like, what's the matter with us that we haven't done the little UH2 milks from hotels?

I mean, they're so awful.

So awful.

But I'll tell you what's not awful.

Mike Wozniak.

Mike Wozniak is fantastic.

We love Mike.

And it was a joy to be able to talk to him at the the palladium.

To finally do an episode with him, but have it to be have it in front of such a lovely audience.

Yes, so here it is.

Let's just get on with it.

It's the off-menu menu live of Mike Washington.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the ice cubes of conversation.

Pouring in the cream of humor,

adding the vanilla extract of friendship

and blitzing in the blender of the internet.

It's a classic vanilla ice cream podcast.

It's the better than pineapple part.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Casler.

Together, we own the dream restaurant.

And every single week, we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever-start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Mike Wozniak.

Long time coming, James.

Long time coming.

We've been big fans of Mike from day one.

We're so glad that everyone's here to see Mike Wozniak here.

He's bringing food choices.

Just very conscious after how tired out I got of my health.

So I'm just checking how much.

The old pinch test.

Just doing a little pinch of the hips.

Yes.

But it's not about me, Ed.

No.

Like,

if there's anyone I've ever met who less needs a pinch test,

treat yourself like you're an overbearing mother in the 70s.

Yeah, that's true, actually.

Pinch chest, man.

You're all good.

Thank you, man.

This is the off-menu menu of Mike Watson.

Come and take a seat, Mike.

Right there in the middle.

Thank you.

Lovely.

Thank you, Mike.

James, what are you doing?

Sorry.

We've got to do this properly, Mike.

Got to do it properly.

Okay, sorry, yeah.

So I haven't seen James yet.

Is that correct?

Yes, that's correct.

Yes, you've not seen the genie yet.

Now, at this point,

well, normally we invite the guests to rub the lamp at this point, and you can.

But also, knowing that James has just pulled a muscle, I think think it's quite funny to leave him squatting there for a while.

But if you would like to get up and rub the lamp, you're very welcome to, Mike.

You go for it.

Is there anywhere in particular that is most effective?

It depends on which genie law you subscribe to, Mike.

Okay, well,

it feels

cup it, do you?

You don't normally rub the lamps under carriage.

It feels indecent to go for this and the sort of problems.

Jess Napit did rub the tip, but you do what you want.

Okay, no, let's not.

I'll go for for the sort of the bulbous, fleshy

mass.

Welcome, Mike Watson, the Actil G Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you.

I mean, I've seen that maybe 12 times now, and it's always impressive.

I think it's quite impressive.

I've only ever seen it from that side, but.

You appear to come directly out of the nozzle, you've lined it up perfectly.

Yeah, yeah, that's that took a lot of practice.

Yeah,

lead with this part of the where your forehead meets your scalp.

Yeah, you've got to lead with that.

Okay,

that's the pathfinder, is it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What would be your if you had to jump out of a lamp?

Yeah, what would be your technique, Mike?

Probably go breach

and uh see if anyone came to assist.

That's the sort of test of friendship, I think.

Early doors.

I'd be gunning

if I found a genie lamp and it was a breach genie.

You've got to act fast.

The old medical background coming into play straight away there.

Try and ignore it.

It kicks in now and again.

Yeah.

When you were a doctor, did you have to give a lot of patients like dietary advice?

It's a food podcast.

Oh, I see.

We've jumped from genies into the food quicker than normal, I'd say.

Yeah, but

it's a long time ago, and that would probably be more pertinent for sort of stoma care, something like that.

It's the urban.

It just doesn't tend to get most people's juices flowing.

You'd be surprised.

Okay.

This crowd might like to hear

things you've told people not to eat.

What happens now?

Did you ever have someone come to you who ate so many carrots they turned orange?

That happens.

I haven't had that.

No, that but is that a real thing?

I mean, I think it's sort of technically it might be a real thing.

I haven't.

I think so.

I think they'd be turned away at the door, wouldn't they?

If they...

What, of the hospital?

I think so.

So if an orange man came to...

No, not if an orange man orange man is more than welcome.

They see orange people all the time, right?

They're

turn a penny.

Okay, but so if an orange man.

It's very rarely because of carrots.

So at what point are you turning this person away then?

Well, if they're carrying a wheelbarrow full of half-eaten carrots.

See, it's your imagination that's added that bit.

Okay.

But I think that would be a reasonable move in the triage.

Depends how busy it is, if there have been any major disasters.

As a rule, if the person shows up with a wheelbarrow full of the things that have caused them their illness,

would they get turned away?

Well, it depends.

Not if it's, you know, shrapnel, something like that.

So just a case-by-case basis.

I haven't done this for a long time.

Do you know what I mean?

But yeah, that's why I seem to recall.

You've not been a doctor since the time of shrapnel injury.

Shrapnel and whip

was very much a wheelbarrow-based car park

in those days.

If you were well enough to operate the barrow, you were sent home immediately.

That was rule number one.

That was the big test.

Would you call yourself a foodie, Mike?

I'd like to think of myself as a foodie, but I don't know what qualifies me to say that.

I mean, for example, I'm not a very good cook.

I don't eat out very much.

So what are you eating, Mike?

Get through a lot of cereal?

I know you like cereal bars.

Yeah, in any form.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Bars, spheres, bowls.

I'll take it however it comes.

When we were writing on the sitcom Man Down together,

thank you.

That represents the listener figures.

Alex and no one else.

Did quite well, actually.

When we were writing Man Down at Greg Davis' flats, because it was a very professional operation,

once you turned up, really hungover, but you didn't want Greg to know.

And the way you tried to keep it secret is you ate five cereal bars in a row.

And for the rest of the day, you walked around the flat.

And every time Greg turned around you went huh I feel so weird

and I think I got away with it

the life hack there

was the life hack eat five cereal bars yeah

a big day at work you know yeah five's the number

What was your go-to cereal bar at the time?

I mixed it up.

That's absolutely pivotal, guys.

okay yeah you gotta mix it up i think there was just a sort of jumble of whatever i'd sort of got free from various you know backstage areas over the preceding few months sort of dug out of a sort of kind of you know sort of soggy hole at the bottom of a backpack basically what we're talking is there a trek in there there might have been i think there was i mean

there probably would have been a naked bar i remember you used to love naked bars you and i really got into them at the same time and wanted to talk about them and then they discontinued the banana crunch that was the apex yeah literally the next words out of my mouth were going to be they discontinued the banana crunch because it hit us both really hard yeah

it's hard to find a platform to talk about that publicly

welcome apparently to the london palladium

we're sitting directly above the ashes of bruce forsyth yes

did you guys know this because we told the audience last night and they were shocked the ashes of bruce forsyth are underneath this stage yeah and i'm sure he'd he'd be thrilled to know what's going on.

So there's a smaller urn next to him that contains the ashes of the banana cunchcar.

The showbiz staple

correction, it did contain it.

Unfortunately, you two have been down there and snaffled up the ashes.

Snorted it between us.

Hoobered it up.

I want to know about Mike's cooking quickly.

Yeah, sorry, yeah.

So you say you're not a very good cook?

I'm not, well, I do cook quite regularly.

I've got lots of very, very good cooks in my family.

Yeah.

So I've I've been spoilt.

So my, I mean, I, you know, there's a family at home, there's people to feed, so I do cook.

But if I cook, it will be like I will cook a piece of meat until it is definitely safe to eat.

Right?

And there will be some vegetables that are not cooked enough so that the nutritional value has been lost.

So there'll be like, you know, broccoli and carrots that are bloody hard work to get through

with a bit of, you know, sort of charred bit of fish or lamb or something like that.

So, you're a fun dad, is what it is.

Fun dad.

Yeah.

All the way.

Is that your speciality?

Is that your special dish?

If you've got people coming over and it's your job to cook, are you doing the charred meat and hard veg?

Charred meat, hard veg.

I mean,

I can manage a tuna pasta, bake, a spagh bowl.

I've not really, I mean, I've never moved past the sort of student meals.

Yeah.

But I mean, for example, when I left home, the first time I can remember going back from sort of, this is sort of in Tooting, I was walking home,

why not?

Some fans have

not the first time people have been amused by you and tooting, is it?

Lovely,

lovely providence.

And I was just walking home, yeah, to our little halls of

residence and just realised that I was hungry and kind of had this thought.

I remember having this thought of, I am hungry.

What normally happens now

and realized I had to prepare myself a meal and went into Deepak's mini mark and I realized there was nothing stopping me from just buying a jumbo pack of bacon and just cooking that and having that for tea

pack of bacon pack of bacon so is that your answer to what's your speciality yeah

a pack of bacon sometimes separated uh sometimes just

sometimes it's nice when it's pink in the middle, isn't it?

I mean, people

there's different ways of serving it, you know.

In a wheelbarrow, in a wheelbarrow,

you know, it's a foodie crowd, you get it.

So, you've convinced your, you're, you know, you mentioned like cooking for your family and doing the vegetables.

One of the things that, like, I found most impressive,

like, anywhere in life, in the world, that I've seen ever was that you managed to convince your children somehow that carrots and vegetables were a delicious treat.

Your kids are orange now, aren't they?

I remember

your wife and I picked your children up from school once.

I don't know where you were.

Wherever I was, I might have needed some cereal bars afterwards.

This is a funny old situation.

You and Mark's wife

picking up their children from school.

Yeah, I was.

I was just hanging out.

Did you know about this, Mike?

My wife's very gregarious.

She's very sociable.

She likes a bit of company.

Do you know what I mean?

I wasn't about.

I thought, I bet James is doing Naffal.

Send him down.

Send him down to Exeter to walk with my wife and pick my kids up.

Did you have to dress as Mike to make his children feel comfortable?

Yes, I had to put a little mustache on.

How was your day?

They don't know, they can't tell.

They can't tell.

I remember walking back home, and there was a little, there was like a van that sold fruit and veg that was parked up like an ice cream van.

Directly outside the school gates.

Yeah, it was right near there.

It had loads of fruit and veg.

Sounds like a really bad paedophile.

Just completely got the wrong end of the stick.

Kids love carrots, I think.

You'd think.

Ice kids do.

As soon as they saw the veg fan, they turned to Mike's wife and went, Mummy, please, can we have a lovely, juicy carrot?

Please, mummy.

Like, really begging.

Yeah, yeah.

And then she went, okay.

Thank you so much.

And they were going home, eating them, like, oh, how's your, and asking each other, how's your carrot?

delicious.

Thank you for letting us have it.

You cannot achieve that without years of neglect.

You really can't.

It's a long game.

It's only really possible in the southwest as well.

Just keep them isolated from all advertising and

they've never heard of a VNS.

No way.

It's not happening.

Well, we always start with still a sparkling water, Mike.

Yeah.

Do you have a preference?

I do.

Is this it?

Are we in?

Yeah, well, unless you want that to be a forewarning and we can talk about other stuff for a bit and come back to it.

No, I couldn't tell.

Yeah, I do have a preference.

I'd always go sparkling.

Always.

If it's going out at a restaurant, I mean, I don't get out much at all.

This, I mean, this for me is enormous.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Getting a bit of an airing.

And

it's lovely.

So it's a bit of a

treat anyway.

But we're magical, right?

We're in the magical genie.

So

can I upgrade sparkling to sort of

fizzy lifting water?

Are we going like from Channel and Chocolate?

Yeah, please.

Fizzy lifting water.

Because presumably I'm just on my own in the restaurant, as How I've always imagined.

What everybody wants.

Is that right?

If you want that, if you want to be alone.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So why does the fizzy lifting water directly tie into the fact you're alone?

Because you don't want anyone else to experience the fizzy lifting water.

Well, two reasons.

One, there's like, I've got a bit of time to kill before, you know, the food comes, right?

Yeah.

So if you've got a bit of time to kill why not kill it flying

and secondly there's there's obviously there's the the indignity of how you descend with the uh

fizzy lifting drink and uh i'd rather i'd rather that was in private we all know we all know what happens when

you do things like that yeah it's a mess yeah yeah

but they burp don't yeah they burp

in the movie yeah they burp in the book i think it's i think in the book even a uh i think uh an umper lumper dies during the testing process.

Do people remember that?

There's a, I'm pretty sure an umper lumper is accidentally, they haven't got the dose right, and they accidentally fire an umper lumper into space.

I don't know why all these wokies have edited Roald Dahl.

Kids would love that stuff.

Wow, is that right?

I may have misremembered that.

The guy's been in space and it dies.

He's, well, I think he's presumed dead.

Yeah, but then kind of the dead.

He's launched.

He passes through outer orbits.

And then after, I think

after that, your chances are slim.

And Monk Monker's a rich guy, isn't he?

He's not going to spend any money on trying to get it.

He's already, yeah, he's got a lot of overheads, hasn't he, though?

That's the thing.

It stacks up.

Yeah.

And he always gave the impression that the Imperumpas were

willing, but that's

quite like that.

I'd quite like to see the Imperumpas

sort of perspective on that situation.

Do you think it'll be fun flying for the first time completely alone?

Do you think it might be more fun to fly with other people?

That's tricky.

Wife and children?

Yeah, yeah.

Because Charlie Bucket's with his grandpa, isn't he?

The problem is I'm quite sort of risk-averse generally in life, so I think if I was with my wife and children, I'd be worried about one of them sort of going off into into an electricity pylon or something like that.

Do you know what I mean?

Or sort of finding their way into the wrong end of a chinook.

And I'd kind of

think for go one, I'd at least

go solo.

I mean, I trust my wife, she just have to tell what she's, you know, that's fine, do you know what I mean?

But uh, it's nice to flesh out what's in your dream restaurant as well, Mike.

We've got electricity pylons and a chinook flying overhead,

yeah.

Yeah, I very much imagined it on the sort of Wiltshire sort sort of

sort of armaments testing grounds.

But revolving, right?

It is revolving.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Of course.

Great.

You wouldn't want your grandfather to fly with you.

What's that?

Well, Charlie Bucket has his grandfather.

All right, my grandfather.

Well.

He's long dead, my friend.

Yeah, but.

But this is the dream restaurant, Mike.

We can bring him back to life.

No, but it's not the necromancer's restaurant, is it?

Can be.

I'm quite happy.

I mean, I'm missing, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones.

Yeah.

That would be awful if you brought your granddad back to life and then you went immediately into the blades of a Chinook.

It's so great to see you.

Grandpa!

Happens twice as well, right?

It's two rosy blades.

You get

coarse mincing and then a fine mincing immediately afterwards.

There's no grammar.

Flung into the.

Pop dumps or bed!

Pot dums or bed, Mike, what's the act?

Pop dumps or bed!

Pop a dumb, please.

But I've got a sort of request/slash stipulation, if that's okay.

Absolutely.

So there was

a lad at my school, I grew up in Portsmouth.

Can I name names?

Do you need to beep it out?

I mean, I've lost touch with him, but we can't.

I will say we can't bleep it out live.

No?

In the recording, when this goes out.

No?

We can bleep out.

Not even with three of us.

All of these guys.

Do you want me to try and bleep it for you?

Yeah, please.

Okay.

So there's this guy called Ben.

Beeps.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, I can relax now.

And I think it was him, but I may have got that wrong.

My memory is terrible.

But I think it was him

because he lived in Gospel and

his family were big in the curry scene in Gospel.

How were they big in the curry scene?

Well, they ate quite a lot of curry.

We're talking three times a month,

Whoa.

It's a lot.

Yeah.

And

so he knew the scene.

Do you know where I meet Gosport?

It's just across the water from

Portsmouth.

Yeah.

So that kind of Portsmouth's naughty little cousin.

My grandparents used to live in Hill Head.

There we go.

There you go.

Another place.

Yes.

It's quite nearby.

It's quite nearby.

Yeah.

But he told me that there was a restaurant, a curry house in Gosport

where they, I can't remember what, it was called something like, they served what, I think it was called something like

the maximum popadon.

So

you wouldn't just go, oh, can we have, oh, how many poppadom should we have,

or should we get four?

Should we get six?

All that kind of discussion.

They completely nixed that argument by the table you were sat at, they're all round tables, table of four appropriate size, two little sort of round table, you know, eight big round table.

The popadom that would arrive if you ordered the maximum popadom would be the size of the table.

Whatever table, size table you were on.

Yeah, yeah, but they'd set you appropriately was the idea.

So it was a table before, you know, that sort of size, or what have you, and that that would arrive.

And I hunted for this place high and low.

I never found it.

Oh, really?

And it's only since you asked me on this is I've been reminded of that, and I've got a tiny niggling suspicion

that it might have been bollocks.

It's the perfect love.

How old was his name?

His name was Ben.

Yeah.

How old was he?

We would have been

14, someone else, 13.

That's a bit old to be lying about the pop a dumb, isn't it?

But not out of the realms of Poppy.

People, like I say, big, big, curry, big, big curry family.

Big in the curry scene.

But how do you know he's big in the curry scene?

Because he might have been lying about that as well.

Maybe he didn't have three curries a month.

I mean, that is crazy.

His whole life could have been an issue of lies, mate.

He could have kind of suzered me.

It's true.

I did buy the thing that they were big in curry because I mean, I went round his house at least twice, and at least once

they did order in curry,

but they weren't ordering in the maximum poppadorum, were they?

No, it wasn't a takeaway option.

That would be crazy.

On the top of the car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

that's never going to make it.

Yeah, yeah, sort of fly off.

But I figure since we're in a sort of genie-staffed restaurant,

perhaps we could go.

I mean, behind you is kind of that, like, I mean, that's the beyond maximum pop-up.

Oh, yeah, that's yeah, that's catering-sized, isn't it?

That one

that's where I'm from.

It's the spirit of Brucey, man.

This is

So you would like the maximum poppadom?

Yes, please.

Absolutely.

Do you want maximum chutneys with it as well?

Oh, yes, please.

But I don't, I, yeah, I don't know where they go because the table's full.

Do you put them on?

You could put them on the maximum poppadom.

Dots of different chutneys around the maximum poppadum and then like snap them off and work your way in.

Like in Jerry, bed.

Yeah, that's quite nice.

Or maybe some sort of nozzles.

Like Like a hamster?

Yeah, sort of nozzles,

series of hose pipes.

Coming down from the ceiling.

Yeah, or threaded through the pylons.

I don't really mind how they get it there.

Is the Chinook dropping them in?

Yeah, or maybe they could be mortar.

You could mortar a mango chutney onto the uh

that might be quite fun.

Yeah,

stinger, stinger a lime pickle

into my gob.

So, what speed are these chutneys coming in?

Mach 3?

They're hard to break the maximum, you know, so you want a bit of force to smash up the poppadum a bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I see.

That sounds nice.

And so you got the maximum poppadum all to yourself?

Please.

It's just you.

Okay.

Your dream starter, Mike.

This is quite tricky.

I'm going to.

I've thought about this.

I'm going to.

Could I have the

well

it's sort of an invention in a way.

I'm calling it the

goo the goo duck and oofle.

What?

The goo duck and oofle.

Goudakanufle.

Surprise.

I'm going to say this.

Goudakan.

So you'd start, I mean you're jumping off point is your taducken, yeah, which you're familiar with.

Okay, yes, the taduccan we know about.

Yeah.

Duck and a a chicken and a turkey.

Right.

The sort of stuffing thing, which I've never tried.

But I don't like turkey for me, I can't.

You're joking.

I can't eat turkey outside of Christmas, otherwise I feel like I'm breaking a treaty.

So

I would replace the turkey with a goose.

Okay.

Which I think is an established thing.

Yeah, so this is where good goo ducken.

There's the goo duck and bit.

Yes.

And then it's kind of...

So yeah, the chicken and then the duck

and the goose.

Yeah.

And in that process, I mean, I'd probably want some assurances from the Genie Waiter that that sort of stuffing process was

post-mortem.

Please.

What if

for all of them, you're on the mortality?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what if it happened naturally and we found them like that?

I think that raises more questions than it answers,

really.

So

that happens.

And then within the initial, the sort of vanguard chicken,

the surprise,

I'd like

a toilet, please.

A toy, like a kinder surprise.

Please.

I thought you said a toilet for a surprise.

Not a toilet.

Because I'm on my own.

Do you know what I mean?

You say the chicken's the vanguard.

Yeah.

Does the chicken go in the duck or does the duck go in the chicken?

Chicken goes in the duck.

The duck's smaller than the chicken.

Yes,

have you seen the chicken in the duck?

It is not.

No, but

it goes ter duck and doesn't it?

Or goo ducken.

So I don't think it's about

size so much as will,

really.

So you said they came up with a word first

and then they just had had to force

a chicken into a duck.

I think so, yeah.

I think so.

Can't call it the chick duck.

Doesn't work.

And then the oofle bit, the goo duck and oofle.

Gouduck and oofle.

Just, you know, like, you know, souffle it, please.

Okay.

So a chicken in a duck in a goose, you would like a kinder surprise.

Something, yeah, it could be a little toy, a little puzzle, anything really.

I didn't mind.

Like a cracker, like like a cracker yeah tiny little phillips screwdriver would be fine

is that is that your favorite cracker gift

well you get a lot of use out of it don't you and uh not personally no the little the little screwdrivers i use the tiny screwdriver all the time i'm gonna love imagining that yeah

thing is if i was you i would decide i know it's meant to be a surprise yeah But if I was you, I wouldn't leave it up to us because we're already disappointed that we didn't get to use our necromancer in earlier.

Yeah.

Oh, I see.

And so.

Are you suggesting the surprise in the chicken is going to be Mike's granddad?

Miniaturized, mummified.

Not miniaturized, it's more about will than is.

Okay.

I think Stanislav had the kind of grit where he'd be up for that challenge.

Yeah.

And you want it souffléed on the outside like a baked alaska?

No, I just want it to be the whole thing to be sort of magically souffléed.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm not completely sure, but I

like the texture of the souffle, but

I don't want to spoil my appetite.

I've already eaten

a table-sized poppet on

and I'm looking forward to sort of a big main course, so I think I'd like to...

Yeah, I forgot this is your starter.

Yeah.

So I quite like it to be sort of made sort of bubbly and light and get the sort of, you know, the taste and the experience.

Yeah, you still get the layers.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a layered souffle.

Yeah.

But it's goose, chicken.

No, goose, duck, chicken.

Please.

All the way down.

Toy.

Yeah, a toy.

Non-souffle toy.

A toy at the bottom of a souffle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I can absolutely make that happen.

Yeah.

Great.

Good duck.

Yeah, yeah.

Good ducking flay.

Are you eating the whole thing?

Yeah, yeah, because

I didn't know if you're assuming in the magical souffleing process it's going to reduce to a degree, isn't it?

Oh, that's interesting.

I'm imagining a souffle,

a soufflé the size of a sort of

like a sort of a carpenter's fist.

That sort of size.

Decent, decent hand.

Healthy,

healthy clump.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever, when you were a doctor, did you have to study a carpenter's fist at any point?

I mean,

they very rarely come in, those guys.

Hale and hearty.

Just the old Nick and Callus.

That's it.

So it's

the platonic ideal of a fist really

not a phrase i thought we'd heard here tonight

platonic ideal of a fist

the ocean delights us some marvel at the colorful world below the surface the ocean feeds us others find nourishment in its bounty The ocean teaches us how our everyday choices impact even the deepest places.

The ocean moves us whether we're riding a wave or soaking in its breathtaking beauty.

The ocean connects us.

Find your connection at montereybayaquarium.org slash connects.

Your dream main course, Mike?

This is quite tricky.

Oh, I bet it is.

But it does need some genie help.

Oh, yeah?

It'd be nice for you to finally use the genie in this meal, mate.

Well,

I've got a backup dish.

If required, there's a backup dish.

But the main dish is:

I want what they're having, please.

What I mean by that is when I do don't go out to restaurants very often, and I do have a nice little time, and I try and be a good boy, and I try and be

a good boy.

I try and be a good, brave boy, and I try and, you know,

it's important to try new things.

Yes.

So, you know, if there's something I don't know what it is, I'll normally give it a go, that kind of stuff.

And I'll make the order.

And I think, great, okay, we'll have a little experiment, see what that is.

And, you know, we'll just, you know, we'll just.

I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke, basically, when it comes to a restaurant.

I'm quite happy to buy a pig and a poke.

A pig and a poke.

A pig and a poke.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But I'll order.

Hang on.

Well, I just assume it's a phrase.

Well, yeah, but w what?

What?

It's a well-established phrase, no?

Thank you.

Well, that's five people in two thousand.

Like buying a pig in a poke.

Just repeat the phrase by all means, Mike.

So normally you don't want to buy a pig in a poke.

It's how it would normally be used.

Mike, we do not know what a pig in a poke is.

What is a pig in a poke?

Well the pig, pig is standard pig.

Pig is a pig.

Not your cat.

No.

Who's called pig?

Who's called pig, but a pig.

Yes.

And a poke, I think, was like a sort of bag or something.

So it'd be the idea of buying a pig.

In a bag?

In the olden times,

it must have been a problem at some stage

where pigmongers were going around the place

door to door and saying, Do you want to buy a pig?

Yeah, I'm interested in a pig.

How much for the pig?

Fiverr.

Here you go, it's in this poke.

And then they'd give you the poke, you know, which had some weight to it, and you'd get in and you'd open up your poke, thinking, Oh, great, we've got a pig now, that's great news.

And there'd just be, you know, rocks, rocks, there'd be rocks, there'd be some wet straw.

Third example, please.

A broken pallet of cereal cereal bars.

But there would be no pig.

And

the pig salesman would be long gone.

So the advice would be: don't buy a pig in a poke.

It's a cautionary tale.

It would have been a cautionary tale and another cautionary tale that eventually became

an idiom.

But you're using the idiom to say you do want to buy a pig in a poke.

I am assuming that advice, yeah.

Yeah, but you're comparing this to being in a restaurant.

Yeah.

And while you're in a restaurant, you will buy a pig in a poke.

So you will order something knowing that it is not what it says it is on the menu, and then it's a plate of wet straw.

I'm willing to take that risk, yes.

And I would also take the risk of if there was a main course where it was just, you know,

mystery poke, you know,

Mike is pronounced poke.

Okay.

Okay.

Mystery bag of food, then I'd probably go, I'll go for the mystery bag of food, please.

So you'll just, yeah, okay, I get it now.

You mean you'll just roll the dice?

I want to be surprised.

I wish to be surprised normally.

But you don't want to be tricked by the pigmonger.

No, I mean, in day-to-day life, no, but I mean, I'm willing to take the risk in a restaurant setting

that I'm not going to be presented with a plate of wet straw.

So.

But you're the first thing you said was your main course is you'll have what they're having.

Yes.

Even though you did specify at the beginning that you will be alone for this meal.

That's true.

but

the there is

what they're had.

I want their hands.

You want what they're had.

I want what their hand.

Because inevitably, when I do order the thing, whatever the thing may be, like enough time has passed that you can't change.

But then almost every time I go to a restaurant, five minutes after the time has passed to change your order, like the kitchen doors are booted open.

All of the staff have been corralled to to deliver this dish to another table and there there are flames gushing from everywhere steam smoke sirens everyone's oohing and someone breaks out into the national anthem it's that level of like the fuss you know the sort of burning griddle pans people with special gloves all this kind of stuff is happening trolleys things are on wheels things are coming down from the ceiling Space is like tables being kicked over to make enough space for this extraordinary dish and everyone's applauding and that's I mean

I want that.

What's that?

Yeah.

Please.

I've never had that.

I've never succeeded.

I've never read on the menu that there's no clue on the menu that this

there will be a fanfare.

It's usually for heaters.

I think that's a safe bet if you want that sort of thing, Mike.

Some fajitas in a post.

Or a birthday cake.

Okay.

So maybe it's for heaters then.

You won't want their head.

We know that.

Oh, yeah.

Uncle Phil does good for heaters.

Shout out to Uncle Phil there.

From

friends.

You and cousin Carlton enjoy those?

You've got quite...

When you danced on, you had real Carlton energy, actually.

Yeah, you could have, yeah.

That's a shame.

Well, come on, Mike.

You You didn't think you were will, did you?

We all like to think a little, you know, that we've got a bit of will in us, don't we?

Didn't walk on and slap us.

Different Uncle Phil.

Different Uncle Phil.

Doesn't mean Visa.

But yeah, I mean, I won't say, if you know what that is, if it's not Vetus, if it's more interesting.

I mean, the fullback, I mean, I'd be quite happy to just have a Lancashire hot pot with a sparkler in it.

But you want that presentation.

You want that.

Presentation, yeah.

And again, it's not, I don't want this sort of, ooh, I mean, I don't have to have the reaction because I'm on my own, that's fine, I'm not trying to sort of, you know, sort of draw attention, I just want, just want to experience that, oh my God, here it comes moment.

I want there to be the genuine jeopardy that I could burn myself to the point where I'm unrecognizable

just from the delivery of the dish.

Just from judging it wrong, just from trying to clear that mustard pot out of the way to be helpful and

just

being sort of seared stuck to the side of a

four-foot griddle pan you know becoming part of the dish do you know what i mean i want that

that chance you know for someone to have a you know scrape off a crispy mic skin and uh tell me what it is money for heaters that you're talking about is it eaters yeah it's for eaters 100 can't be anybody else's uncle phil's for eaters then please where's uncle phil's what's that where's uncle phil's

what is uncle phil's it's that's quite an old

Uncle Phil lives, Ed.

Hang on, is it a restaurant or is it your Uncle Phil?

Uh, neither,

but it is, it is a man, it is a it's my brother-in-law, your brother-in-law, and you call your brother-in-law Uncle Phil

been known to

uh sometimes we squish that into uh funkle for a bit of fun.

That is fun, and he is a fun guy.

So, when when Funkel

does his fajitas, is there the fanfare?

Does he bring them out on the sizzling platter?

There will be sizzle.

I don't know.

It's not the level of sizzle and flames and all that stuff that I'm after.

He will more likely to compensate with the visual fanfare with some choice swearing.

So there is, it's an event.

It's definitely an event.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's not, it's not, yeah, it's not kicking through the swing doors kind of.

I get what you mean.

You want yo, you're anticipating it.

When Funko brings it out, you know that they're coming out because

we're doing for heaters tonight.

Here they are.

Fuck, whatever he's saying.

And then like, when you're in the...

So, yeah.

It's really rubber.

He gave me a go, it might work for the guys up there, maybe, if it sort of...

Depending on the sound trajectory.

But you want to be in, not expecting it.

You're in a restaurant, you hear it,

and then you see it and you get jealous.

Yeah.

Do you want the Chinook pilot to be looking over and being like, what's he got?

I want the Chinook pilot to be on standby because

he needs to be

that the whole Chinook crew, they need to be carrying a sort of, you know, an 18,000 litre vat of water over the top of the restaurant in case of a catastrophe.

In case you get stuck to the griddle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you do get stuck to the griddle,

are you going to carry on with the rest of the meal?

Because you seem quite excited by the notion of, I believe your phrase was becoming part of the dish.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd carry on absolutely, regardless.

You became part of the dish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you said you had a backup dish.

I'm very happy with it, Lancashire.

You'll have a hot pot with the sparkle in it, please.

Is that the backup?

That's the backup dish.

That's the backup dish.

Lovely.

Yeah, a couple of sparkers.

Get some offal going.

Position of sparkle in Lancashire.

Good question.

Hot pot, is that

fairly solid?

In my mind, it's not.

I think the

total layer.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think the potato layer is going to handle that.

And you've got,

beneath the potato layer, you've got

hopefully a very, very dense, thick collection of

lambs, kidneys, other bits of lamb, miscellaneous lamb,

with an adhesive gravy.

And I think that's going to that's going to plant very nicely in that, I think.

I think you could even put a few in, and some of them could even be askance, and you'd be okay.

Yeah.

I think so.

Some of them could be okay.

Because if there's so much offal in there, the chances chances of a sparkler going through and not hitting a bit of offal before it hits the bottom are slim, aren't they?

Yeah, and

I think a kidney would be quite a good little anchor for the

ballast.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

The thing is, with the sparklers, once they've gone out,

you still can't approach it, can't you?

We shouldn't go back.

Okay, well, hang on.

Hang on.

Well, then I'll request maybe the genie brings the Lancashire hot pot with sparklers and

well as knife and fork can I have some sort of gauntlet please yes to remove the yeah yeah what do you mean James well you should never go back to a

sparkler once it's been lit I believe the phrase is don't go back to a lit firework and I

I don't think sparklers count yeah no you should never go back to them in

in Kettering all the recreational grounds are just covered in layer upon layer of abandoned sparklers.

It's all metal parks now, isn't it?

Yeah.

You can't go in.

Yeah, we'll never go back to it.

We'll never go back to the lit sparklers.

How do you hold it?

Aren't you supposed to light a sparkler and then hold it?

Are you just lighting the sparkler and then immediately throwing it away?

Yeah, that's when it becomes dangerous.

It's all fine.

Then someone lights it and then you've got to let go and run.

And never go back to it.

I like the fajitas choice, mate.

Okay.

This is a lovely choice.

That's what it turned out to be.

But are there other things?

I mean,

there's nothing else you recognise as that.

Because you eat out a lot, don't you?

You two.

Is there?

Nothing that I recognise from your exact description?

Maybe like a dish where, like, in a fancy restaurant, they might bring it and there's a kloch.

Oh, yeah.

There's a koch or a glass dome or something like that.

And they'll, together, all of the waiters will do this, and then they'll whip the klosh off, and there's smoke, smoke billows.

Process like backdraft.

Is it?

It's backdraft.

It sucks in the oxygen and then

explodes.

They'll normally pipe in, pipe in smoke.

Yeah.

But in the kitchen.

Yeah.

Some sort of like woody smoke.

Okay.

And then they'll lift it up, and the smoke dissipates and makes absolutely no difference to the flavour of the dish.

Okay.

You know what I enjoyed just then, Mike?

Yeah.

Was watching you listen to Ed describe something that is actually real, as if what Ed was saying was fucking bonkers.

Sorry, are you saying that was real?

That is real.

That's a real thing.

Yeah, is that a real thing?

Yes.

Why?

Well, for that theatre that you're talking about, that you enjoy.

That's what you wanted, wasn't it?

That sort of thing.

I don't know, that seems a bit sneaky to me.

What's sneaky about that?

Well, because I don't think I want to be delivered

a closh of smoke.

There's other food in there.

They're not going like, enjoy your dinner.

Fuck you, it's just smoke.

Okay.

There's other food.

There's food in there.

Okay, fine.

And the smoke's been piped in and it's just like a magical way of presenting it.

Okay, fair, fair, the smoke can affect the flavour sometimes.

The smoke can affect the flavour sometimes, yeah.

Okay, it's normally just for showmanship.

Okay, it would be bad if I agree.

I think I want the journey, I think I want to see them coming.

Yeah, that feels that feels like an ambush, right?

Do you know what I mean?

I want to see the yeah, I want to see the whites of their eyes.

I don't know, it's not the right phrase.

Yeah, it's quite a sort of um military meal generally so far, isn't it?

It's turning out that way, isn't it?

Yeah.

I'm worried that the Chinook person, when someone suddenly bursts out of the kitchen and is basically attacking you,

some old training might kick in.

It's a risk, isn't it?

I thought I was being attacked.

I was actually just being served some visas and

very badly damaged Chinook pilot attacked one of the waiters.

You know,

chat fuel, isn't it?

That's a good chat fuel.

RIP uncle Phil.

R.I.P.

Uncle Phil.

Your dream side dish, Mike?

Alphabites, please.

A lot of fans of alphabetes, then?

Never allowed them.

To this day?

Well, still never quite dared to pick them out of the old freezer.

It was deeply ingrained.

Yeah.

Taboo.

So, yeah, I think this is tonight's the night.

So I've never had alphabetes either, but I don't think I ever requested them.

these are they potato yeah yeah they're

basically basically chips yeah alphabet alphabet shaped uh i've never had them either have you not no who's had alphabetes

they're not as good as chips they're shit

pretty adamant didn't think it was uh that sort of gig but uh

Our listeners get pretty rowdy, Mike.

Yeah.

Especially when it comes to alpha bites.

It turns out, yeah, I do apologise.

But I'm going to stick to my guns.

Would you spell some things out with the alpha bites before you ate them?

Would you have fun with them?

I think there's great fun to be had, isn't there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

What sort of things would you spell?

Maybe some rude words.

Yeah.

Go on.

Go on.

Or do you want to spell it out one letter at a time?

So we can visualize it on the plate.

Would you want to beep it out?

Letter by letter.

Like

bum beep.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, there's options.

Would you start with bum, would you?

start with

my way up

Every so often Mike I remember that you're having this meal alone

Bum

looking around

dead

on the floor

with his one good eye

Chinook helicopter pilot having a panic attack in the corner

Are you dipping it in anything, the alpha bites?

Oh, yeah, yeah, they're very much the.

Well, it depends what the dish is.

Like, if it's backup Lancashire hot pot, then I'll be dipping it in the old sort of gravy.

Yeah.

Big time.

If it's the,

well, is it Fajitas?

Fajitas was the other choice.

I think Uncle Phil's Fajitas, but.

That's what they're having.

Yeah.

That's oh, yeah, what they're having.

I'd probably risk

popping the letter C in a bit of quack.

See what happens.

Is that the best?

It's a dip with, do you reckon?

The letter C?

I think so, because

you get a good hook with it, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you think in the alphabet, because none of us have had them, do you think they include the letter L, or is that just too similar to a chip?

A lowercase L.

Yeah, lowercase L.

These are capitals.

Are you mad?

These are capitals.

I've never had them.

Well,

how in the name of God are they going to do a lowercase I?

They just chuck it all in.

Madness.

Madness.

Well, he got you, man.

You've been murked.

I'm happy to learn.

You just got burked by Wozniak at the Palladium, baby.

I got burned by the most burned man we've ever had on the podcast.

Well, I guess same question with a capital I, right?

Yeah.

Is that just look like a normal chip?

Or are they putting those bits on?

Oh, yeah, they're putting the bits on.

You fucking do him, Mike.

He thought it was just going to be a straight eye.

Fucking have him.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm trying to help him.

It's going to be like that, isn't it?

Fucking idiot.

Look at this kind of

beep.

He's just going into some bad fonts.

Do you know what I mean?

That's all it's...

It's not his fault.

Wrong crowd, wrong fonts.

He didn't know any better.

So it doesn't bother you that they're shit, apparently.

No, I don't mind eating shit from time to time.

I think there's sometimes sort of great comfort from eating

total crap.

And I think, in a way, I'd be the fact that they've been sort of,

well, for want of a better term,

a lust object.

No, there are better terms.

Yeah.

I think we can definitely find better terms.

The letter O is feeling nervous about now.

It's more a matter of will, isn't it?

Okay, well.

I think if there's something fundamentally wrong with them, I think that

feels, yeah, it'll feel like it's a vice.

It'll feel all the more exciting if they're a bit of work.

If they need a lot of sour cream or guac or

if I've got to reactivate the nozzles from earlier on and

if I'm firing everything at it,

then I'll be like, okay, mum, you were right.

Are you going to rub it in your parents' faces that you're eating them?

Are you going to be like no?

They've got enough on their plate.

I mean they worry enough.

Where do you stand on potato smileys?

Because they're essentially the same thing, I guess, right?

Yes.

For reasons that aren't clear to me, I realize now they didn't cross the line of the sort of forbidden potato products line.

So you you used to have potato smileys?

Rarely, but it did it did come up.

So your parents

are wondering

why they were allowed, whereas the letters were

obscene.

The letters, you're going to get distracted.

You start spelling words, doing stuff.

The smiley faces, once you've seen one, that's it, isn't it?

Yeah,

sure.

Your parents should be encouraging literacy, shouldn't they?

That's true.

Unless, yeah, I can't really think what the scenario would be.

I mean, yeah,

if there was a necromancy-based restaurant, yes, then you don't want people able to conjure certain letters.

And you don't want to be able to Ouija board your side plate, do you?

Potato smiley Ouija board.

Yeah, but that wasn't happening, so I don't know.

I didn't know what the explanation is.

But yeah, but I'm on with Todd, so I think I'll go for the letters.

Yeah.

A bit more diverting.

One of every letter?

No,

I think I'm going to want a few spare vowels,

please.

Yeah.

I'm happy to go with just one of J, X, Y, and so on.

Because I think I'm going to want to to banana gram it at some point do you know what i mean i don't want to rush the evening and i'm hoping because they're sort of because there's the genie element they're not going to go cold um you can you can serve them on a hot plate at the very least can't you another hot plate well

yeah you've got previous

i mean do you want me to sit this course out and rachel riley can serve these to you

you can ask for consonants and vowels to your heart's content.

I'll stick with the genie.

I'll stick with the genie.

You don't want Riley.

Also,

man.

Vodeman, every time.

Sorry.

Of course, Vordeman.

Getting Vodeman in for this.

Yeah, okay.

All right,

we'll Vordeman it.

Well, the option of Vorderman, if I'm feeling tasty, if I'm on good form with the letters,

then we can conjure Vordeman to throw down the gauntlet.

But otherwise, yeah, I think I'll just carry on playing

with the hot, salty fat.

Your dream drink, Mike?

That's tricky.

Well, it depends.

This depends again.

Yeah.

What did we settle on?

Did we settle on the grid?

We went on the griddle.

If it was the backup Lancashire hot pot, I'd go for a pint of old thumper.

No?

They're not allowed.

I'm not shaking my head because you can't have it.

I'm shaking my head because I've never heard of a pint of old thumper.

All right.

And it sounds like the sort of thing you would make up.

We're now in a world where we accept these things.

At the start of the gig, I was questioning stuff like pig and a poke.

And now I'm just accepting that a pint of old thumper is a thing.

Ringwood breweries.

Yes.

I think it was the first kind of pint of bitter that I had, really.

In the little pub we used to go to, where, in that era when you're trying to get served and all that kind of stuff,

people were going for ales because they thought it seemed more convincing that they were older.

That thing, yeah?

Yeah.

They wanted the ice-cold lager, but they're like, I'll have a pint of the old thumper because they thought it was

credible, that therefore

they were 52 years old.

And didn't need to be ID.

Wearing a cardigan, going in, yeah, on the few occasions we were served, everyone else would be like,

trying to get through it.

Yeah.

I was sitting there going, I think this is delicious.

And I think even as a sort of 17-year-old boy, I didn't realise at the time.

I realize now I was already inhabited by the spirit of a middle-aged man.

Yeah.

So that's, and it would go very well with the hot pot, if that's happening.

I mean,

if it's the Flambay spectacular,

just give me an Uzo.

Please.

Literally chucking fuel on the fire.

Tastes a holiday, isn't it?

Uzo?

It is.

Yeah, I guess so.

Very specific.

I've never had it.

No?

No, I remember that the insane clown posse used to drink it.

Did they?

That's all I know about Uzo.

Don't they have their own drink, though, the Insane Clown Posse?

Maybe now, but

called Faygo.

What is that?

It's their own.

Is it a soda?

Is it what is it?

Juggalo in the audience saying yes.

What is it?

Pure sugary filth.

Pure sugary filth.

I think it's a very, very sugary alcoholic drink.

It's called Faygo.

Do you know the Insane Clown Posse, Mike?

Yeah.

I'd be very surprised if you did, to be honest.

I can't imagine you and the posse ever crossing paths.

What kind of act are we talking about?

Guess.

Guess what the Insane Clown Posse is?

I'm going to say

Neo neo-folk punk fusion.

Electric accordion?

They probably do that, no?

They're a white rap group, but they paint their faces like sort of evil clowns.

And all of their fans are called juggalos,

and they just get quite drunk and violent, but they don't drink, as far as I'm aware, oozo.

Well, that's what I knew about them.

when I was a teenager.

I read an interview with The Insane Clown Posse, and they said that they drank Uzo a lot.

Okay.

And then I was quite surprised when I was older, and they released a song about how lovely miracles are and how they believe in God.

Yeah, they had a swerve later on in their career.

Does that sound like a song?

It's a rap about all

doing the fancy dress rap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But rapping about how amazing all the things in the world are.

They sound like a lovely bunch of boys.

Yeah.

It's a really funny song.

Yeah.

Yeah,

they say how they see miracles every day.

It's really good.

They're like the miracle of a rainbow and stuff.

Are those the miracles?

No, they're not.

You know about Uzo, apparently.

Uzo, when you drink it, it crystallizes in your stomach.

So the next day you drink water and it re-dilutes it and you get drunk again the next day.

Definitely bollocks.

What's the name of the boy who told you that?

Why is that bollocks, Mike?

Because

it's just absolutely ironclad bollocks.

It's not just going to sit in your...

Well, how's it going to do that?

You're in a state of constant sloughing.

What?

Beg your pardon, speak for yourself, Michael.

A state of constant sloughing?

Yeah.

Is that another beer?

Boiling away.

Roiling acids and

sloughed linings.

Doesn't stand a chance.

Sloughed linings?

Yeah.

Never felt more uncomfortable about my own body ever.

I could have broken that more gently, couldn't I?

How was your bedside, mana, when you were a doctor?

Well,

I did have to leave the profession.

You kept on bringing up sloughing every time people came in.

Wasn't appropriate.

Yeah.

This is difficult now, because I want you to have the pint of old thumper.

Yeah.

But that would mean you would have to have the Lancashire hot pot, and I want you to have what they're having.

Well, let's go.

Okay, well, I'll have what I'll settle.

I'll lock it in.

i'll i'll have what they're having and i'll i'll uh i'll i'll risk uh

sinking it down with a little oozo uh despite the the naked flames do you want the insane clown posse to be with you drinking the user

happy for them to be coming through the speakers

although that sounds unfriendly doesn't it and you have described they do sound like a lovely group of boys yeah yeah they

no i'm being very selfish yeah they can they can join me for the main course it's a yeah it's a it's a group it's it's a group it's a group meal isn't it what we're talking about.

That amount of smoke.

You can't eat that on your own.

You can't have feet.

There's going to be Popadom left over.

Yeah, yeah, bring him in, bring him in, bring him in.

Yeah, actually,

it would blow their mind because they love miracles.

Yeah.

If they came in, they see the giant popadom, they see you fizzy lifting drink flying around the air.

You've somehow got a chicken and a duck.

Yeah, it's all revolving.

They're going to be like, so many miracles.

One of them's bound to need a mini screwdriver.

Yeah.

I do feel like you should have a pint of old thumper, though, because it was a lovely story.

Would you take in a pint of old thumper as well?

We arrive at your dream dessert, Mike.

It's very exciting.

I'm kind of anticipating more genie magic here.

Am I right?

Yeah.

For pudding, please, because I have.

I would like, well, it goes by many names.

Okay.

But some people would call it the piece of shame.

Some people?

Yeah.

Some people would call it the the the the decency slice are you familiar with this any of you

one person

i think the germans would call it the the das ananstuck something like that

dutch something very similar yeah okay i think in the philippines it's it's the piece of shame it's a piece of shame it's the last bit we're all very relieved that that's what they call it in the philippines yeah

it's it's the last bit of cake or whatever it is yeah it's the last bit on the table on the the plates, whatever it may be, yeah, that everyone wants, but no one, you know, it feels shameful to

it, it has a name, and we don't have that here, a name for it, but there are many nations where they have a name for it because it's a thing, because it's so alluring.

And I

understand that allure, yeah,

and because I can be quite buttoned up, um,

unless I've had a bit a bit too much post-crystallized ouzo, ouzo

I will never go for the piece of shame and

I just want just once just once I don't mind what it is particularly it could be any kind of it will require the genie to take the revolving restaurant somewhere where

I mean it's a bit intrusive it does require us to sort of sort of track the beam out someone's cake from a sort of family occasion

anniversary wedding something

yeah

if we could do that discreetly, I don't think that's a job for the Chinook.

I think that's one for the genie.

Yeah.

I can do that.

I mean, is it so?

There's the shame in this sense coming from the fact that you've trapped a beamed away from a family.

Because obviously,

if there's not people around,

then there's not the shame of taking that last time.

Oh, it needs to be active.

It can't be the event still needs to be ongoing.

Yeah.

Right?

For the piece of shame to have its allure, there need to be people almost sort of hovering around, kind of licking their lips.

Do that again?

Sort of like this.

Sort of stalking it a little bit, sort of maybe sort of approaching it, and then noticing that you know, Uncle Dilbert's also sort of stalking it, and then Marjorie's also interested, and you know, you know, you know,

Kathy's picking off a couple of crumbs here and there.

So, are we not just like bringing the cake in from another occasion, we're bringing some of the guests as well.

The guests are pivotal, and we need to see the guests.

I don't want to intrude.

But you need to intrude for this to be the piece of shame, don't you?

Yeah, okay.

So,

well, the restaurant, we'll backtrack a little bit then.

So, the restaurant is going to need to be in a sort of mobile,

sort of translucent orb.

That's all right.

Yeah, yeah.

Quick and retrofit that.

Yeah, absolutely.

Sort of glass-bottomed.

We then need to be able to see through the roof and the ceiling and whichever bedrooms or bathrooms are sort of impeding the view into the kitchen or the dining area.

So

you're sort of floating over a village.

Floating over a village.

It's sort of in a glass elevator really.

Yeah.

Walkering again, yeah.

Also a bit giant peachy.

Yeah.

Bit giant peachy.

Very dull.

The whole thing's very dull.

And we need to, yeah, we need to be able to sort of, yeah, sort of see and we need to make that, I mean, it'd be ideal to be able to, I don't want want to sort of blast a hole through these people's,

like, they've worked hard for that house.

Do you know what I mean?

It's important to bear in mind.

And

getting labourers out to fix it.

Might be waiting for months.

Be having a sort of bit of tarp over the roof, and it's not going to do in this weather.

Do you know what house you're going to, or are you just floating over a village hoping that some people are eating a cake and there's one slice left?

The second one?

Because we could make it easier for for you because you're getting tied up in that they've worked hard for the house.

But we could choose like a horrible family who you won't feel bad about doing this.

But then it's a little piece of shame.

No, exactly.

Then it's

not shameful.

What is that?

They have to be good people.

It's not a piece of retribution.

Yeah, yeah, they've got to be the best people.

Okay.

They've got to be absolute salts of the bloody earth, these guys.

So when we find the house or the church hall or whatever's happening, say wedding, I think think the wedding was...

Wedding's quite good.

Yeah, I guess you put a wedding cake, sure.

So there's one slice of wedding cake left.

Yeah, although, no, because they're going to want to freeze that.

No, it can't be wedding cake.

Sorry, that's probably the only one that, yeah.

Funeral?

Do you...

Funeral cake.

What was your funeral cake like?

I'm trying to think of that.

What was their funeral cake like?

Is there a funeral cake?

I don't think so.

It's not a thing, is it?

Maybe a wake, maybe wake cake.

Christening.

Christening.

Christening again is complicated, isn't it?

Let's say Ruby anniversary.

You can always find one of them.

How many years is that, Ruby?

50?

40?

40.

Even easier.

Even easier.

Yeah.

What's 50?

Silver?

Gold?

So you're floating over a Ruby anniversary in a village, yeah and you can see through the roof of the venue they got married young I don't want to be taking off a couple of like

non-agenarians or anything like that.

Yeah, so they're 60 maybe

yeah yeah if if that late 50s maybe we might be talking about sort of

Gretna Green job here.

Yeah

but a Gretna Green wedding.

Yeah

So they eloped to Gretna Green they got married and now they're late 50s.

So they're good.

They're quite fun these guys

and it's worked.

They proved everyone wrong.

yeah it's an absolute to triumph lovely lovely really it's a lovely yeah it's a great story

there's one slice of cake left at the Ruby

anniversary and I bet

I'm gonna say they are not expecting what's about to happen next

and the thing is about those two they they plan everything very carefully yeah and they they feel that they are people that expect the unexpected but uh no this uh

this is coming from a from the blind spot

So you now I'm just trying to imagine how then you go about this heist.

Are you being teleported from the orb into the event?

No, no, I'm going to stay in the orb.

Right.

But the orb is is is going to sort of

beam it through the house, first of all, so that we can see what's going on, and then it's going to track the beam, suck up the.

Yes.

suck up the last bit of cake.

The only person who is going to witness that is the 10-year-old grandson who

everyone will think is lying.

Yes.

Thus making it the perfect crime.

But

does that make it the piece of shame?

If no one else sees you do it, surely the piece of shame.

They just want it.

They want it.

They all want it.

So it's the shame all on you.

It's all internal shame.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's internal shame, cake.

It's internal shame which brings out

the acidity of the

blueberry.

I don't know.

Good canache, apricot, cheesecake,

apricot cheesecake.

Crunch of the

fri and the

so on.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

Is there anything else you want to add, Mike, before we read your menu back to you?

I'm absolutely stuffed after that.

Thank you.

Enjoy reading this one back James?

Yep.

There's not an iPad in here.

James had a little problem with the iPad in Glasgow and accidentally loaded up a Lewis Capaldi video on YouTube.

I don't know how he managed it.

When in Rome?

You would like Fizzy Lift in water?

Please.

You would like the maximum pop-a-dom with maximum chutneys.

You would like a goo-duck and auffle with a toy.

You want what their had.

Gouducken ouffle surprise, the thing would be quite, yeah, but

you're right, yeah.

I beg your pardon.

Apologies.

What there had, brackets, Uncle Phil's for heaters.

As it turns out.

Backup Lancashire hot pot with a sparkler.

Alpha bites.

Please.

Uzo and a pint of old fumper.

Dessert.

The piece of shame.

Thank you.

The off-menu menu of Mike Woznier.

Thank you.

Great.

Once more for the brilliant Mike Woznier.

Thank you.

Mike, lovely after.

Thank you very much for coming.

Bye-bye.

Forgive me.

Well, there we go.

The lovely Mike.

Mike was fantastic.

Magic Mike.

Yes, a lot of magic got used there in the middle.

We didn't even say Magic Mike.

We should have called him Magic Mike.

But if we do that live,

they're going to start demanding that he does a strip tease.

And you know what?

He'd do it.

He'd do it.

Yeah.

So we're lucky in a way that that didn't happen.

Do listen to Mike's podcast, Three Bean Salad, wherever you listen to your podcast.

It is fantastic.

And St.

Elwick's as well.

And St.

Elwick's.

I think that stopped, but like, go back and listen to all those episodes.

Do.

With three bean salad, I would say really ration out.

If you'd never listened to it before, ration it out.

Because I listened to five in a day once and my brain went really bendy.

Yeah, yeah.

That can happen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a very dense podcast.

There's a lot of stuff going on in there.

Yeah.

Unlike Rwanda, there's not much.

No.

There's a lot.

It's baggy.

Yeah.

Mike, Henry, and Ben.

They're great, great guys, but there's just a lot going on.

Yeah, yeah, with all three of them.

There's more beans than three.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of beans knocking around.

Yeah, yeah.

Or one, or one bean between the three of them.

Yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.