Ep 239: Jessica Knappett (Live in London)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

It's Stock Up September at Whole Foods Market.

Find sales on supplements to power up for busy weeks.

Plus, pack your pantry with pasta, sauce, and more everyday essentials.

Enjoy quick breakfast for less with 365 by Whole Foods Market seasonal coffee and oatmeal.

Grab ready-to-heat meals that are perfect for the office and save on versatile no antibiotics ever chicken breasts.

Stock up now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void?

But with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers, a network of 130 million of them, in fact.

You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills, and did I say job title?

See how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads.

Spend $250 on your first campaign and get a free $250 credit for the next one.

Get started at linkedin.com slash campaign.

Terms and conditions apply.

Time for a sofa upgrade?

Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices, with sofas starting at $699.

Anibay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.

Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.

Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Plus, our pet-friendly stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.

Don't compromise quality for price.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your living space today with no risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Authors are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Oh, let me just check the calendar.

What?

It's Saturday.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!

Bonus live episode of Off Menu from Our Tour.

This was the first night of our London Palladium residency, 19th of November 2023.

Just another big old London venue residency for the Off Menu boys.

Honk, honk.

Palladium, man.

Now, I think in the first half of this show, I mean, there's definitely loads of stuff that we said to them.

on the 19th of November 2023 in the first half that you know won't make sense when we do callbacks to them in this thing.

I think it is though, maybe important that I don't know when we said it.

It was probably in the first half.

Maybe it is in the second half.

Yeah.

But we did reference the fact that Bruce Forsythe, his ashes are underneath the stage.

And I think that probably is.

I mean, that's true.

Yeah.

That's not something we made up for a laugh.

But it will come up.

I think it definitely will come up.

And it's just good to know for the listener that also it's a fun fact.

Secret ingredient is key lime pie.

Fun, shall I say fun?

Fun?

Keyn pie is the secret ingredient.

The brilliant Jessica Nappet.

I mean, this was such an exciting episode, James.

Jessica jessica and i did a taskmaster together um and i haven't been able to do anything else with jessica since then because she was living in la yes so i was very excited to be reunited with the nappet yes my mum came to this one another fact for you ed's mum is in the audience ed's in-laws are in the audience and in the first half We were very rude.

It was a very rude first half, actually.

Yes.

My mum said afterwards, I don't think she knew Jess Nappet.

She'd not seen her before.

And she went, she was brilliant.

Oh, lovely.

I loved her.

She was fantastic.

So there you go.

What did she say about me?

Well, she knows she thinks you're very weird.

Yeah.

So enjoy the episode with Jess Neppet.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Taking my own sourdough bread of conversation, brackets, wanker.

Adding my grandmother's aubergine curry of humour, dickhead,

and another ingredient that I got suspicious about

Professor Marston's ribs of the internet, stupid fucking husband.

It's the off-menu podcast.

That is it, Gabble.

My name is James A.

Casser.

Together, we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest.

We ask them their favour ever start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Jessica Napoli.

The wonderful Jessica Knapple.

We're very excited to have Jess on the podcast.

James, I've noticed that you've already puffed yourself out by the beginning.

Yeah.

So just slow down.

Stop doing little tricks and moves that you've thought of.

No, stop.

You should have been in busted, man.

That was incredible.

We already know the secret ingredient.

We have planned the secret ingredient, as you all know.

Stop it.

You're ill.

You're ill.

I'm excited.

Podcast.

But in a minute, you know, in a minute, we're just going to have to sit down and you're going to have all that energy, right?

Getting all my steps in now.

Getting all your steps in.

Yeah.

How many steps do you think you've done?

Thousands.

Thousands of steps.

Well, let's get on with the podcast.

Please, welcome to the stage.

And

this is the off-menu menu of Jessica Nabe.

No guest on the live tour has had this energy at the top, yeah?

And I think all Taskmaster fans would have been very worried as you got closer to the front of that stage.

Yeah, yeah, that's why you put my chair back in here.

Yeah, right back here, thank you.

In the safe place.

One of my favourite things that I've ever been present at.

James, James, what are you doing?

Yeah, sorry.

So, yeah, you'll know what's happening, Jack.

I'll act surprised.

You can act surprised.

I mean, would you like to rub?

Would you like to rub the lamp?

Oh my god, yes.

Yes, well, please feel free to get up and rub the lamp.

Okay, now.

Well, I mean, it'd be awkward if we left him in there for a long time.

I thought we could just have a little private chat.

Well, we can just have a cap-chop.

That's fine.

He's got a good squat.

I actually, I've never rubbed a lamp before.

I don't know where to rub it from in this area or the tip.

Have you seen the film Aladdin?

Yeah, but I can't.

Do you remember Aladdin wanking the lamp off?

That was a detail they left out in my children's version.

I'm going to just go for a safe.

Is that disappointing if I go down here?

Oh, all right.

Fucking dirty bastard.

Welcome, Jessica Deppin to the Dream Best Child.

I've been expecting you for some time.

Here he is.

That's great.

That's really, really, that's exactly how I imagine it to happen.

Yeah.

Pretty good, right?

Yeah.

Do you find it more or less disappointing that the lamp is massive?

Like, if a genie burst out of a massive lamp, I think I'd be less impressed.

Yeah,

I would have preferred, well, I'd have preferred a real lamp and a real genie, to be honest.

Yeah.

Because that's more just just like.

What James is doing is more like a sort of genie-themed stripper, isn't it?

Really?

What?

Hold on.

Like, you know, that's the old trope of like people bursting out of a big cake.

That feels like maybe a sort of Aladdin-themed stripper you might hire for a party, for example.

Ed?

Are we using the lamp after the talk?

Not a stripper.

I know you're not a stripper, James.

Not a stripper.

I know that is a thing, isn't it?

Strippers coming out of cakes.

But I've never witnessed.

Horror, doesn't the stripper come out of the cake?

I thought the cake is like some bursting.

Doesn't the cake came out of the stripper?

Have you been to Blackpool?

Just also very aware that my wife is here tonight with my in-laws and my mum.

And after the first half, she texted me saying, have you seriously saved all the ass fucking stuff until our parents are here?

And then I've just introduced conversations about a stripper, so I apologize.

Sorry,

I feel like it's my fault because I'll lowered the tone with the tip talk,

right?

Yes,

I think it is your fault.

Anyway, so we've established that James isn't a stripper, no, he's just a genie, lovely genie, just a lovely genie.

Only time I've ever stripped ever in my life.

Oh, yes,

I've only done it once, and it was for Ed's in-laws and his mum.

It was my father-in-law's birthday, yeah.

and they wanted it.

Yeah.

And they paid top dollar.

And they kept chanting, strip for me, genie boy.

And that's why they're here tonight.

That's why they're here tonight.

They're here for round two, I guess.

It's nice to have the end of the show planned out.

Yeah.

Get them sitting in these chairs.

We all get up.

Yeah.

In-laws, your mum.

And then I'll come out the lantern.

What are me ingesting in this scenario?

Well, that's your problem, man.

Throwing money?

Yeah, that's what you do to strippers.

It's horrible, isn't it?

But that is what you do, just throw money at them.

I wouldn't know.

I wouldn't know.

Jess.

Are you a foodie, Jess?

Well,

I love going out for dinner.

I love staying in for dinner.

And I love

food, but I feel like if you call yourself a foodie it just sort of implies a bit of snobbery that you have a certain level of snobbery about food and I love food but I love all the foods including I'm gonna say it McDonald's whereas I yeah yes someone just said over there and you know and I love like you know dirty food

and I love really posh you know Michelin food food as well.

Like, I, I, I'm, you know,

you can see me getting a tasting menu down my neck.

I will do that.

That's what they say.

When they bring it as well, they go, get that down your neck.

I don't know

why I just say it so.

Get the funnel nappets here.

She'll want it down her neck.

I know there's 12 courses, but just blend them all up.

Chuck it down her fucking neck.

does that answer the question yeah I think so I think you're saying if a food saying you're a foodie suggests that you just like fancy food whereas you like dirty food and you like fancy food and you like it all down your neck yes if McDonald's did a tasting menu oh oh that's great best question you've ever asked I knew it as soon as I said it

this is the peak of my career

I mean we already know that you would say yes to it because you like tasting menus anyone like McDonald's but what would be, say it's a 12-courser.

Yeah.

We're going to have to rattle through these.

Actually.

I don't know if I could do 12 because I always just go for the same thing.

Well, they'll all be

what's your standard.

It's a quarter pound a meal.

It's a quarter pound a cheese meal.

Yeah.

What?

The same person.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the best.

And I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry to come on a food podcast and immediately talk about McDonald's.

That's horrendous.

But

I recently took my daughter to one, and my husband is a big foodie.

And actually, I think that's part of the problem is that

he's very, very foodie.

Like, he cooks and he makes meals that people talk about years later.

And, you know, he'll.

For good, for good reasons.

Yeah.

Like, he'll make, he'll just, we'll go camping and he'll have rocked up with a Cote de Boeuf.

And, you know, he has to deal with me, and I love McDonald's, and he loves Coke de Berf.

And we meet somewhere in the middle,

which is like steak, I suppose.

A birth burger.

A birth burger.

But I took my daughter, and actually, the truth is, as an experience, I'm sorry to say, it is amazing for like then to relive it through a child's eyes.

They've just got it right, and it's delicious.

Could you see her eyes?

It's the best restaurant

in the world it's it's right look we have a look we do talk about mcdonald's now and again on this podcast it's broadly positive chat i think but no one's ever said it's the best restaurant i think lollied a fope may have said it was the best restaurant i went out for i went out for quite a fancy dinner with one of my friends and we went to

uh yeah it was a restaurant should i just say it it was a restaurant called clipstone and the food was absolutely delicious everything that came out was absolutely amazing.

Just tasting it, and she said, Do you know why this is delicious?

And I said, Why?

She said, Because it tastes like a Big Mac.

And that's the thing that from time to time, maybe actually all good food just reminds you of McDonald's.

It's an interesting point, Chess.

Actually,

might be right.

Struggling to not get.

I think I'm starting to answer the question: Am I a food?

Do you have a favourite branch of McDonald's?

Yeah, Guisley.

Guisley?

Guisley.

Yeah, because it's next to Hobbycraft.

I go and take my daughter ostensibly to buy her craft supplies, but I actually just buy myself loads of felt tips that I don't use.

Your daughter's going to have some lovely memories of her childhood.

My mum used to take me to Hobbycraft at McDonald's.

What did she eat when you took her to McDonald's?

A happy meal, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Inside the happy meal, there's a tiny cheeseburger.

Yep.

Chips.

Carrot sticks.

Fuck that.

They do that now.

Water.

What do kids need to be hydrated for?

Look, we're not interested in that bit.

It's about the cheeseburger.

I saw her face when she got the gherkin.

She was so confused.

Did she like the gherkin?

No, no, but I saw her eat it and go, hmm, what was that?

And I know, give it a few years, she'll love that.

But I know that's quite, that's kind of a contentious subject, isn't it, Gherkins?

Pro-Gherkins?

Anti-Gherkins.

Grow up.

Yeah.

Pro-Gherkin?

I love Gherkins.

Pro-Gherkins?

I fucking love Gherkins.

And I respect McDonald's for sticking with the Gherkins.

Yeah, they, yeah.

They're so, you know, they're the fast food food restaurant.

They could just go, why are we bothering putting these gherkins in?

You see, that's it.

They could be mainstream.

Yeah.

They're the REM,

they stay punk, they stay alternative.

Yeah, you talk to one on McDonald, he's like Kirk Cobain.

Yeah, he's like, can't believe all these fucking mainstream jocks coming and eating our burgers.

I just wanted to make good stuff.

I love the Gherkin, man.

It's so good.

People take the Gherkin out and they're like, oh, that's disgusting.

Just fucking get away from me.

It's more disgusting to take the gherkin out, personally.

Wiggly be like that.

This is disgusting.

Yeah, that is.

Yeah.

What you're doing, putting a bunch of gherkins

on a paper napkin on the side where we're all eating.

But then you get their gherkin, don't you?

I do.

I'll take their gherkin.

What's your ghost?

It's your daughter's gherkin.

That's fair enough.

Well, yeah.

You take their gherkin off their napkin.

Yeah, they go, they want the gherkin out, go give it to me.

You prick, I'll have two gherkins.

Are these people you know or just anyone in McMurdo?

Anyone around the restaurant?

Anyone who's doing that, I'll come along with my burger.

I think it's a shame that Heat Magazine don't do spotted anymore.

Because

are they putting the Gherkin directly on your burger, directly on the table, or directly into your mouth?

It should go directly into the mouth, really, shouldn't it?

If we're if we're really playing, yeah,

as I said to Ed Zindlaws, you have to pay extra for that.

Oh man, they are going to be hating this.

Yes, your wife will hate it a lot.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Jess.

I know, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know you do.

Because I listen to the podcast because I love it.

I love sparkling water,

but we live in a country where we can drink tap water.

Yes?

Ooh,

someone just did that.

Because we live in a country where we can drink tap water.

They're from another country.

They've travelled here specifically for this.

Fair enough, you got us.

Having lived in a country for a bit where you couldn't drink the tap water, it made me.

And that is America, by the way.

Really?

Absolutely ridiculous.

Don't you think that's ridiculous?

You were in LA, right?

You can't drink the tap water in America.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's out of order.

That's the richest country in the world.

Yeah, yeah.

You can't drink the tap water.

So now I sort of make a point of drinking tap water.

I also disapprove of, although I am drinking it now, any still water in a bottle because I just think you've filled you filled a bottle with tap water is what you've done there.

And then

that's a a can.

I know.

That's a can that, Jess.

I know you're hammered.

What do you mean you can't drink the tap water in America?

Because now I'm going back through all the times I've been to America and glugged all the fucking tap water.

Because you lived in LA, we've been there.

Yeah.

We definitely drank tap water.

No, but you.

I don't think, I don't think so.

Pretty sure.

Is there anyone here from LA who isn't my husband?

You can?

You can.

How long were you there for, Jess?

Years.

Who told you you can't drink the tap water?

Is someone else saying can't?

No.

I was just checking.

Oh, my God.

Was it just my house?

No, no, I don't even think it was your house.

I think you could have.

Now,

we know about Flint, Michigan.

That's the

where you obviously can't drink the tap water, it's a different colour.

But I think in LA,

you can drink the tap water.

And who told you you can't okay?

Maybe it's just disgusting, and that's what, and that's why I stopped drinking it.

Anyway, the point is,

I don't know if we can just move past this, Jess.

The point that I would like to make is: I love sparkling water, and sparkling water, there's a sense of occasion about it, isn't it?

It's fancy, and so I will order it.

But if I'm about to have a big meal, I won't because I don't want to fill myself up.

I know you think it is some sort of apparatif.

Yeah, yeah.

That's you that's getting pointed at.

Oh, I don't think I've ever said this sparkling water is good.

I've heard you on this podcast say it's good digestively.

Well,

I don't think I said it that fancier.

I think if you drink sparkling water, it makes you do a big burp and then you feel emptier.

Oh.

Well, now that sounds like a good thing.

But no, I'd normally go for tap water, but I'll order tap water at my peril.

Yeah.

Well,

why are you looking at me for the peril?

I think

giving Ed my time.

You don't have to have LA tap water, which you don't trust for some reason.

You can, if you like, have tap water from.

What's the best tap water you've ever had?

I mean, you grew up in Yorkshire, that's got good tap water.

Yorkshire's got really good tap water.

So I am going to have Yorkshire tap water because it's the best.

They bottle it, they sell it.

You hate it.

Don't hate it.

I just think the water's too soft.

And when I shower in Yorkshire, it makes my hair go fluffy.

Are you joking?

Does that happen?

Yes.

You get fluffy hair from living in Yorkshire.

Yeah, not from living in Yorkshire.

I'm not suggesting that when I cross the county border, that my hair goes fluffy.

You get fluffy hair from showering in Yorkshire, is what you're saying.

Yeah, you definitely do.

I do.

Yeah, I get more volume to my hair the further north I'll go.

Have you?

You can literally.

That's why we got caught unhunted.

There he is.

They checked the CC.

I thought it was a hedge.

This is an absolute revelation.

Sorry.

Have you ever been to Norfolk?

Because the water there is in some parts of Norfolk so soft as to feel greasy to the touch.

See, but I know now how fucking gullible you are, Jess.

Because you've already been stopped from drinking tap water in the place you lived for years, just from one person going, you can't drink that, and you've gone, I will take that as gospel.

So now I'm worried you went to Norfolk and someone gave you a bowl of olive oil and said, that's tap water.

No, that's water.

I've had a very, very greasy shower in Norfolk.

But was it the water or the shower?

Were you in a like a dirty shower?

Well, James, who knows now

what was the circumstances what what what were you doing we were just staying at steve's

yeah steve staying at steve's greasy greasy steve's and steve's shower was incredibly greasy yeah and i couldn't make the soap sud

does anyone know anyone with me

but did you bring this up to steve did you say steve

steve your water's greasy mate yeah did you say is that a norfolk thing or did you just assume that must be norfolk it It did actually, we did talk about it a little bit, yeah.

Yeah, and I thought because I genuinely thought that I wasn't able to wash off the soap from my body, that's what it felt like.

Okay, so you had lathered up.

I don't want to felt a perfect

shower, James.

So you got soap on you, and then the water went on you, and the soap just stayed still and didn't move.

Well, that's what it felt like, but that wasn't what had happened.

What had actually happened was it was just the sensation of a highly alkaline water.

So the soap washed away and was replaced with grease, and you didn't feel but it felt the same.

It's just a feeling.

I mean, you know what soap feels like.

It's a pH thing.

You know, you do that in chemistry, don't you?

I didn't learn about greasy showers in chemistry.

Not personally.

You know what alkaline feels like?

I know what alkaline feels like.

We're only on water.

Give us a cheer if you know what alkaline feels like.

There's a few people, mainly ladies, actually.

Yeah.

Give me a cheer if you've had a shower in Norfolk.

And give me a cheer, those people, do you know what Jess is talking about?

There you go.

Again, it seems to be your personal experience once that you thought was just across the board.

But I do think it...

I was like, absolutely, I do feel like I'm going a bit mad now, but that's connected to

the soft hair thing.

Because

it came from something you said

about the soft hair, about your hair feeling soft.

I should have known when I said that they have soft water in Yorkshire, it makes my hair go fluffy, that you'd immediately go, I had a shower in Norfolk.

It was greasy.

A little greasy there.

Okay, I'm just going to drink some water from this.

Pop-loves on bread.

Pop-loves on bread, Jessica Nabet.

Pop-loves or bread.

Oh, hang on.

That made me jump, to be fair, that time.

I was pleased with that one.

Yeah.

It's so easy, actually.

Oh, yeah?

This question.

Yeah, yeah.

It obviously pops.

No offence to bread.

No offence to bread.

If bread were here, it would say none taken.

Shout out to Rosemary focaccia with sea salt.

Shout out to

sliced white.

Covered in butter, served on the side of every meal in Yorkshire as a condiment.

That's nice.

Bread is a condiment in the north.

I don't know that.

It's true.

Are you sure?

I'll tell you what else is a condiment.

Actually, if you go into a sandwich shop, you know, like a proper sandwich shop.

Yeah.

Do you?

Well,

I've ever been to a fake one, but I also hadn't heard of fake maple syrup until tonight.

So like what's I'm not talking about I'm not talking about Prette.

I'm not talking about even Greg's.

I'm talking about the one,

dare I say it, below that,

where it's like a bap and a ham you'll get your ham salads, your egg mayo, your chicken coronation.

You go in and they're all laid out.

And the butter comes from a massive tub.

You've got butter and the question will be butter or marge.

You know, do you want all the salad?

They'll say.

Yeah.

And what they mean by that, does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

And they'll say mayo or salad cream.

And in Yorkshire and maybe other parts of the north, if you say, yes, I want all the salad, they will put a boiled egg in it.

Oh, lovely.

A whole boiled egg.

Because a boiled egg is a condiment also.

Will it be sliced or they'll just put a whole box?

It'll be sliced, yeah, in an egg slicer.

You know, in Norfolk, when you go into one of those shops, they say butter margin or tap water.

Also,

just quickly,

this is something that I might have wrong here, but you said, just rolling back, and probably no one else noticed it, you said chicken coronation.

Now,

I call this, it might just be a Ketchman thing.

Coronation chicken.

I would think chicken coronation is a literal if a chicken became the monarch.

It's a spoiler for the next Aardman film.

Rounding off the trilogy?

No, it's it.

I'm going to stick with it.

Chicken coronation.

The chicken coronation.

Congratulations.

To the chicken, I guess.

Yeah.

But you're choosing poppadums.

But yeah, despite all that, and and also and also shout out to just like really

cheap

garlic bread from the supermarket that you put in the oven.

Is actually that.

Okay,

no, I do want to stick with Popadoms.

But you nearly went for garlic bread.

No,

I just started thinking about it, and it is just wonderful, isn't it, really?

But Popadoms, but specifically,

Popadoms at the Sharma Bingley, which is on the top of Safeway

in 1998.

The stack of popadoms will

the top one will be slightly oily because it's the it's come out first.

Sorry, we both thought the same joke and looked at each other

and nodded.

We were gonna say it was from Norfolk, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We have the same brain now.

Do you know what's upsetting is that I looked at you both nodding to each other and I genuinely thought they were looking at each other going, it's good to have her on, isn't it?

We are also obviously thinking that, James.

Of course we're thinking that all the time, Jess.

We don't have to look at each other to communicate that.

But no, it was which one of us is going to mock her first?

I'll let you take it, James.

Top problems in Norfolk.

Yeah.

Yeah, so

the top one is covered in Norfolk water.

Yeah.

And they're quite spicy with, I think, some kind of like fennel seed or something.

And obviously, they're served with all the pickles and the chutneys.

Mixed pickle, lime pickle, mango chutney.

Why has everyone gone quiet?

Right.

Because they want to make sure they're on Tentaho.

This is what they're here for.

This is the audience wrap.

And that's the gist of it, really, because it's just so delicious.

And do you know what I love?

Then the mixed pickle when you get those big peas.

Yeah.

Do you know the ones I mean?

Do I know what you mean by big peas?

The peas in the pickle?

Yeah.

They're not peas, though, are they?

Oh, go on.

They're not like frozen peas.

They're not petit pois.

No, they're not petit pois.

Thanks for clearing that up.

A lot of people think it is petit pois in the in the dips.

No, what are they then?

I don't know.

But they're the same peas that you sometimes get in Thai curries.

I thought they were petit pois.

I guess we're not.

They're definitely not petit pois.

They're harder.

I want to hear more about the Sharma Bingley on top of the Safeway in the 1990s.

I know that

you know, when people are like, oh, if you could go back in time, where would you go?

Oh, I'd be, I'd go to the Roaring Twenties or I'd go on the Titanic.

Actually, no one says they want to go on the Titanic.

No.

Nobody.

Oh, I'd go on the Titanic.

Oh, the bubonic plague, please.

Let me be a pauper.

Right at the end.

Imagine someone who doesn't know what happened on the Titanic gets a time machine.

I didn't watch to the end of the film, but it looked lovely on there.

I'm going to go back in time to the Titanic.

good thing.

I want to go back in time to the Sharma Bingley 1998 because it was my favourite.

It was, it's, and it's food is all nostalgia for me.

Yeah.

But on a Friday night, not every Friday night, but you know, mum, dad, brother would say, it's curry night.

That was

sorry.

Was it going to be in unison, or would just one of you say it's curry night?

When you said,

me, mum, dad, brother, we'd say it's curry night.

Yeah.

Is that all four of you saying it together at the same time, or is that mum and dad saying it to you guys?

Did you all know instinctively that it was curry night?

Did you put your hands in the middle like power rangers?

Yeah.

Shall we try it?

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Imagine if we went back in time now.

Ready?

Think about the Sharma Bingley.

Three, three, two, one.

It's curry night.

That felt good.

Yeah.

God, wow.

Feels good.

Shame we can't have any curry now we've said that.

It's just a happy memory.

Older brother, younger brother?

Older.

Older, so you're the youngest in this scenario, family going to Sharma Bingley.

So

you're the little tyke, you're looking up at everyone else, you're excited that you're in the Shama Bingley.

Yeah, wearing my green and purple because there was a time when quite a good

couple of years where I would only wear the colours green and purple.

purple.

Like Donatello?

Yeah.

Yeah, so that's the image.

Also, I guess if we're going to establish that you're Donatello,

this is a group of four that are going to the Shama thingy.

We have to ask

who the rest of your family would be.

I don't know the names.

Well, okay, well,

I'll talk you through it.

Was there anyone in your family who you would consider to be a party dude?

Yeah, who's the party dude out of the?

There's got to be a leader?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Party dude.

My mum's the party dude.

Mum's Michelangelo.

My mum's Michelangelo, that's pretty cool.

I thought your brother had that in the bag.

Yeah.

I mean, if your dad's not the leader out of him and your brother, then that's.

But who's the leader, though?

Because it's sort of two left of both sort of leaders.

I thought Leonardo was the lead.

No, it's Raphael.

He's just said Raphael.

Raphael's the leader.

Yeah.

So it's Leonardo then in the dynamic of the turtles.

Raphael's cool but rude.

Raphael's cool but rude.

So who's got my brother?

That's your brother.

So your mum.

Actually, he's not that cool.

That's a bit too much of a compliment.

So your dad's Leonardo.

And then what's the dad's Leonardo?

No, or you're Donatello because you only wore purple and green.

Yeah.

You're the nerd who makes all the machines.

I mean, I know it's the teenage mutant ninja turtles, right?

Yes.

But I don't know what the personality of Donatello is.

He's the nerd.

He like makes all the machines and stuff.

He's the brain box, really.

Oh, right.

You just said that.

Yeah.

Yeah, but

I'm beginning to think you're not Donatello.

Also, I don't think you're the other three.

I'm okay with that.

You might be a different character.

Anyway, guys, it's closed down now and it's moved to another location and as has the Safeway

and there are no restaurants on top of that shopping centre anymore and I just feel kind of sad about it so I thought I'd share that.

Did they move together?

Is it still on top of the Safeway but in a different location

for Sharma?

No the whole that would be good though wouldn't it?

I don't think there are even any Safeways anymore.

It would be fun if they moved to the

same location as each other again, but swapped who's on top.

Shama got to be the main one, and you've got to go up to the safeway.

Yeah, it is as grossy as it sounds, like having to go up basically sort of like a fire escape.

So you don't go through the safeway to get to the stage?

No, no, you go up, you park in the safeway car park.

Yeah,

and then you go up these kind of, and it was like a 19, I guess, like a 1950s shopping centre type feel.

And then, and you go up these like piss-stain-soaked steps, and there'd be like broken bottles in it, but sometimes there'd be some hooligans on the steps, and you'd get up to the top, and it's just like a flat roof with a puddle,

and then the shama would appear before you,

and it was just such a

paradise, it was a sanctuary, it was

honestly heavily.

A sanctuary from the situation you'd put yourself in.

Finally, we're away from those horrible steps.

The hooligans, the piss and the hooligans.

I think that would be it for me.

I don't think it's respect for you and your family for making it to the restaurant.

I think as soon as I was on the steps, I'd be like, fucking no way I'm going up there.

Honestly, it was worth it.

And also, it was one of those really old school Indian restaurants with like a proper, with proper decor.

The Bob Doms came in like a silver tray with a doily.

Do you know what?

I know what a doily is.

I'm not sure if I would consider that old school Indian restaurant, though.

But like, fair enough, it is.

You know, carpeted, carpeted chairs as well.

Yeah.

Hang on.

What?

I was with you.

I was with you all the way through the doily bit.

What do you mean, carpeted chairs?

I mean,

I can't really elaborate on that.

I think, we think you're saying that they'd carpeted the chairs.

But that doesn't sound right.

They were upholstered.

Okay.

Okay.

With carpet?

It kind of looked like it, yeah.

So that's where I'm having my papadoms in the Shama Bingley and on an upholstered carpeted chair.

Do you want to be walking?

Do you want to walk up the steps?

Do you want that whole experience for the dream meal?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you've got to, right?

Yeah.

Because you want the reveal of the reveal of

the astral.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

And you've said it's Coe night with your family.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, oh, and we were, no, we're talking about poppadoms, but just just because you might like it as a detail.

I would go absolutely hyper if I had those, you know, those little sweets.

They're like fennel seeds covered in sugar, like pink sugar, pink and white.

Yes, I do know the ones you mean, yeah.

P-numbers, yeah.

And I would go mad and sort of like turn into a chicken and pretend to lay an egg and stuff.

And they knew that I would get, I would like to go crazy.

With the restaurant stuff now, as well.

It would happen when I got home, but they would give them to me in a little bag.

They were in a dish on the counter as you left.

Yeah.

And you could just dig in.

Are we sure they were

sweet?

Well,

you're getting home turning to me.

But something happened to me.

I liked it.

You're going around the house.

It's my coronation.

I'm the queen.

I'm the queen chicken.

I'm a queen chicken.

I'll thank you for taking me to the show, my daddy.

Your dream starter, Jessica Dappets.

Okay.

Can I have an amuse bouche?

May we?

If you know, you know.

Huge respect to Jess for that.

Yeah.

Huge respect.

She's hacking the menu.

I am hacking a bit, but it's because I need to put crisps on the menu.

Look, it's not what it is not.

It's not happening over the top of her head, though.

It's not how it sounds.

It's not how it's...

It's not what...

Okay, I'm ready now for it to not be how it sounds.

Do you know how it sounds?

Sounds like crisps.

Yeah.

Sounds like you want crisps on the menu.

I do want crisps on the menu, but it's not going to be just crisps.

Okay.

No.

Although, if I go over to someone's house for a drink and they've put some crisps out, thank you.

Because that's just...

I just think, thanks, actually.

It's just lovely, isn't it?

It is lovely.

When someone's just made an effort to pop open a bag of crisps, yeah

they just sort they're just you feel at home don't you you think you know someone said to me i'm gonna put some snacks out because it makes it cosy

and i always remember that snacks make it cozy who said that what genius cake

what cake said that cake okay

um good old cake yeah

realizing that

so the best starter i ever had but i don't think it was a starter it was an amuz boo

and also that's what's so good about it it's a surprise you didn't order it it came anyway like like Kate's crisps this amuse bouche is creme fraiche no sour cream

with caviar on top

yes and then just crisps around it yeah

and then you just and they're ready salted crisps that I think would be described as hand cooked This is great.

I only had this for the first time recently.

You did.

You have had it?

Yeah, I've had it.

Where have you had that?

At a wedding, like the drinks before the meal started, in that awkward bit of a wedding where it's like two to three hours where people are just drinking before anyone gets all the photos are being all the photos and all that bullshit, right?

There was sour cream with caviar and Pringles.

They were ready-salted Pringles and sour cream and chive Pringles.

Dipping in there, putting a bit of caviar on top.

It was mad, but I was into it.

It's so nice.

Yeah.

And did Kate serve you this?

Or am I mixing my stories up?

No, no, no.

This was, I got this in a restaurant, disappointingly named The Restaurant.

But it's really nice.

The food's great.

Shame about the name.

Anyway, shout out.

Thank you.

Best starter ever.

Bad name, Saws.

Anyway, so that's my Amoz bouche, if I may.

It's a great Ame.

That is a great Amuse bouche.

My starter, and I've been around the houses with this one.

I really have.

I've given it some thought.

I've gone from scallops to soft shell crab.

I was going at one point with a pre-meat pasta because Italians do it right, don't they?

They have pasta as a starter.

Or a separate course.

Or just a whole separate course.

Which, by the way, Jess, some people on the podcast, some guests have hacked the system like you just did with a museum booth.

We're adding in a pasta course as well.

Well, I'm not going to because it's going to ruin something else if I do that.

But

what I have decided is actually,

when all is said and done,

the best

starters

I think

do you think

this is like just a minute or something?

I'm just obviously trying to think of an entertaining way to introduce it, but what I've actually done is just slow it down.

No, but you haven't actually at all, so I'm genuinely am on tender hooks and quite excited about what this starter is.

I just think that the best starters are from Chinese takeaways.

And so, what I've gone with, although I don't actually want it from a Chinese takeaway,

I know, it's just that's where I got my inspiration, is sesame prawn toast.

So good!

Now, yes, definitely.

Yeah, but I think that would have been a bigger applause.

Only some people are like, sorry, not from a Chinese takeaway.

I mean, that's it from Chinese takeaways.

I want something specifically that, as far as I'm aware, you can pretty much only get from a Chinese takeaway.

No, but you don't want it from a Chinese takeaway.

I can't remember where I had it from, but I want it from, I'm sorry, but I want it from a high-end Chinese restaurant.

Okay.

I want like a really, really well-made

prawn cocktail, prawn cocktail,

prawn toast

that is like what you get in a takeaway, but not as grease.

It's good to have her on.

Have me on.

I know what you mean.

I've had like posh prawn toast before.

Posh praise.

I love takeaway prawn toast.

I think it's amazing and it's always a treat, but sometimes you get it from a like a nicer place, like a sit-down restaurant, thick prawn.

Yes.

Thick prawn.

And a bit more sort of garlicky, chilly.

I think maybe the sesame seeds will be black sesame seeds,

not just white sesame.

And it just will look nicer.

It'll be kind of like puffed out.

A mound, mound of prawn.

Not like...

And I also think this is delicious, but you know, sometimes prawn toast can be like fried bread that you get in Little Chef.

Yeah.

No offense to fried bread from Little Chef.

You're very worried about offending bread this evening.

Weird, isn't it?

But yes, that's my starter.

And the dip is

something sweet and spicy.

You know, like what it comes with.

Sort of a sweet chili sauce kind of deal.

What I'm really enjoying about this menu so far, Jess.

Oh my gosh.

There's things that are so specific.

Pop a dumbs from a specific restaurant above a safeway in 1998.

And then prawn toast from a nice place with black sesame seeds, and then dip like what it comes with.

Whatever, whatever, whatever, sweet and spicy.

I think I've just realized something.

I think I might be talking about Thai prawn toast.

Okay,

am I?

Because sweet chili sauce, that's Thai, isn't it?

Yeah, that feels yeah, but it jumps around.

It does get about a bit, doesn't it?

I really love Asian flavours and extreme flavours, and chili, and salt, and spicy,

crunchy, all of that stuff.

Yeah, we're getting less and less specific every time you say something.

We've zoomed out to an entire continent now.

Now we're just talking about crunchy.

More and more.

You're sounding more and more, if I may say, like an MP who's messed up and is defending themselves.

That was actually an attempt to be more specific.

Yes.

But I won't do that again.

No, no, it's good.

My current favourite prawn toast is

a vegan one that I try.

Like, I'm not, I'm not, I should be a vegan.

We all should, but I'm not.

And, but there's a vegan place called Face in Heaven.

It's a very good Chinese recipe.

Like, proper can't believe it's vegan.

And their prawn toast is really, like,

almost gelatinous.

The whole thing is just, like, really juicy.

Because it is just kind of gooey.

I actually tried to make, I made a prawn toast the other day it was actually a prawn taco, and you get the prawns and you put them in the blender with like spring onions and chili

and maybe some lime juice, and you whiz it up and then you just sort of spread it over the taco

and then you cook it and then you flip it

and then you flip it back and you put some sesame seeds on it and it basically that is a delicious prawn toast.

So more of that to come, I suppose?

Well I think we'd all like to see this cooking show happen Jess

where you sort of finish a recipe and go so more of that to come I suppose

everyone was sitting there just thinking this sounds delicious this sounds so tasty Wow I never thought about that before I'm glad Jess has gone into so much detail and at the end you went, yeah

He's put it in the bin at the end.

Yeah.

That sounds great, that tacker.

Yeah, so, but I'm not going to put it, I'm not going to put that in.

I do want it from a restaurant.

You want a super fancy, juicy prawn toast with black sesame seeds and a sweet chili dip?

Yeah.

Don't say

you said yes, like I'd just come up with that for you.

Yeah, actually, good idea, Ed.

I will have that.

I used to work in a school as a classroom assistant, and um, what?

no go on

and one Christmas the kids in the class that I was a classroom assistant for wanted to go for a Chinese meal for their Christmas meal so we took them to a Chinese restaurant and I ordered the prawn toast and one of the kids was like oh do you like prawn toast do you

and I went yeah and he went oh and then every day every time he saw me he'd just go prawn toast

every time he saw me

respect that's what that was prawn toast it looked like it was my name

I loved it

yeah It's a good nickname, Pronto.

And then every now and again, he'd check with me.

He'd go, Still like porn toast?

I go, yep.

And he'd go, great.

And then later on, he'd go, still like porn toast?

Yep.

Good kid.

Do you know what I like as well?

Can I have something just to garnish my porn toast?

Of course you can.

Crispy seaweed.

Yeah.

Hang on, not anymore.

I'm taking it back.

No way.

No way.

It's so good, isn't it?

Deep-fried, crispy seaweed.

There's some powder that they put on it.

Yeah.

I don't know what that is.

It's fishy.

Is it scallop?

It's not MSG.

It's not MSG.

I think it's like crabby.

It's like powdered crab or something.

Does anyone know what that powder is?

It's not MSG.

Same person who said MSG again.

They're doubling down on it.

The first time they said it, it was like a friendly MSG.

And that time it was MSG.

They did not like the facts.

Have you seen that?

That you are calling them, that you are not.

not a good.

Have you seen that?

What happened?

It says it, though.

I don't said scallop.

Powder drives.

I thought scallop.

Jess, I thought you were referring to the audience member.

I thought you were like, fucking see that.

I thought you were going to kick off and have a fight.

You see that shit?

I don't, because I can't see.

There's a light there.

I can't see this area.

No.

So when you're like, I fucking see that shit, I thought the MSG person was looking at you going, you're a fucking one.

Fucking MSG, mate.

It's MSG, fuck you.

Sydna.

You were were like,

did you fucking see that?

No, but if she says MSG one more fucking time.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer swing by verizon today for our best phone deals

three-year price guarantee applies to them current base monthly rate only additional terms and conditions apply for all offers

ever wonder why you have insurance for your car or home but not your digital life meet webroot total protection your digital bodyguard that is built for real life Webroot takes the guessing game out of cybersecurity so you can confidently browse, bank, and be yourself online without the worry of hackers lurking around the corner.

With Webroot Total Protection, you get antivirus that scans six times faster and takes up 33 times less space than the other guys.

Identity protection with up to $1 million in fraud expense reimbursement and 24-7 U.S.-based customer support.

VPN protection that hides your IP address, personal data, and location from hackers.

And cloud backup with unlimited storage that works automatically in the background.

With plans for individuals and families, Webroot makes it easy to live a better digital life.

Go to webroot.com forward slash promo and get 50% off today.

That's webroot.com slash promo to get 50% off today.

Live a better digital life with Webroot because peace of mind shouldn't be optional.

It's Stock Up September at Whole Foods Market.

Find sales on supplements to power up for busy weeks.

Plus, pack your pantry with pasta, sauce, and more everyday essentials.

Enjoy quick breakfast for less with 365 by Whole Foods Market seasonal coffee and oatmeal.

Grab ready-to-heat meals that are perfect for the office and save on versatile no antibiotics ever chicken breasts.

Stock up now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

Your dream main course, Jessica?

Yes.

Well, actually,

it's bad.

I'm imagining being an actual waiter and I'm serving you.

What would you like for main course, madam?

Yes.

Yes.

I actually really don't like making decisions in restaurants.

I think that what should happen is, you know, when you go to a really fancy restaurant and it's a tasting menu and they're like, I'm an amazing chef, so you're going to have this, this, and this, because I'm amazing and that's what I make.

Right?

And it takes all the hell out of

it for you because they're just giving you all the things that they're good at.

Yeah.

I just think other restaurants should do do that more, where there's like less choice on the menu, and they just go, just,

are you a chef?

Yes, right.

Cook me something nice.

But it's good that you're checking that they're a chef first.

Maybe there's like these two things that I don't like, don't make that.

But otherwise, just bring me some nice food, please.

What are the two things you don't like?

Yeah, it's slightly more demanding the second time around, isn't it?

You wouldn't go, like, if I was cooking someone dinner, I wouldn't say, come over to my house.

Here's 25 things.

Which one do you want?

Because then we'd spend the entire evening discussing the 25 things.

And then they'd decide.

No, because that's a rude thing to do.

And I honestly think it's quite rude.

Especially when you're confronted with a massive menu.

And then the worst thing is, and they go, it's small plates, two to three.

We recommend two to three.

And then, so what I've actually taken to doing recently, and I did it this week, and I've, and my friends know me for this now, yeah, is order everything on the menu

by the menu.

If it's small plates, and they go, we recommend you share,

okay, well, we'll have everything then.

It's a big move,

but you count them, and usually, it's the right number.

Yeah, usually

sometimes it's a bit excessive and they go chairs and the bills, 500 pounds.

I love that you've chosen to go to this restaurant.

You've not done any research into it.

They've explained what the concept is and you've gone, just fucking bring me everything then.

I guarantee you it's better that way because otherwise people get, oh, we'll get the three tortellini and we'll divide it by six and we'll that you can have that.

I hate that.

I am sort of fed up with it.

This is a specific London thing.

Almost every restaurant you go to now, they go, uh, have you been to the restaurant before?

And you go, no.

And they go, Can we just explain our concept?

I know what the concept is.

It's small plates.

It's two to three per person.

You're going to bring them.

It's not really going to be enough.

And it's going to be £500.

That's because you don't order everything on the menu, yeah.

Try

the new menu.

Try ordering everything.

So, okay.

I sound like a bit of a twat now, but

I do like to do that because it takes the stress out of it.

Because

I don't...

Okay, I do go to the restaurant for the food, but I go for the chats with my mates as well.

That's more important, really.

I mean,

it goes without saying that the food's going to be good because it's been made by a chef.

For this podcast, it does not go without saying.

No, we do need to say it.

Okay, main course, main course.

It's Jude Nappett's pasta bake.

Oh, right.

Yeah, you don't know Jude Nappet.

We can have a guest.

I'm assuming.

That's my mum.

Yeah.

And it is basically.

I only have to.

Can we

Jude.

Leonardo.

Leonardo.

Actually, she's Michelangelo, isn't she?

Sorry.

Oh, yeah, she's Michelangelo, your mum.

Yeah.

So what it's actually...

Your mum's Michelangelo.

What it actually is, is, in our house, we call it bastard cake.

Yeah.

And

the reason it's called bastard cake is because my sister-in-law is...

So can I just...

the swerve from

when I go to a restaurant, I just order everything on the menu to, well, we call it bustard cake.

That dream is bustard cake.

Definitely, I wouldn't have guessed where we were going from the builder.

What's your dream, main course?

Well, here's my problem with main course.

They come over, they ask you what you want, there's too much choice.

I just like to do the whole menu and kind of what is it?

Oh, it's dude nap, it's bastard cake.

Why is it called bustard cake?

Because

my sister-in-law is Australian and we said when she came over we're making pasta bake.

And

everyone's so clever.

You totally made the leap.

I'm going to say this, and I don't know,

surely some other people got it first time round.

As soon as you said bastard cake, I was like, because it sounds like pasta bake.

And I am absolutely astounded

how many of you, including Ed, just got it.

I just thought it was a Yorkshire thing.

I honestly thought, like, Jess's dad was carrying a cake one day and dropped it.

He went, this bustard cake.

No, it was a lovely mishearing.

And now that has been, that is its new moniker.

Bustard cake.

Bustard cake.

So, and it is delicious.

She makes the bolognese very slowly, and over the course of a day, as far as I can tell, it's uh

why is it day funny?

I think just because

I can tell

you're trying to figure out how Bastard Cake is made, but Jude Nappet's playing her cards close to the best.

You can't quite figure out if it's a day or a number of days.

You're doing a stakeout on Jude Nappet for the workout.

Pun intended.

As far as you can tell.

Yeah.

As far as you can tell.

I don't hang around and watch her.

I just eat it at the end when she's made it for me.

There's no way of finding out how long it takes, I guess.

Yeah, I think I could ask her.

Right, so it's like a garlic, it's very garlicky.

A clue.

Garlicky, obviously beefy.

Yeah.

There's bacon in the bolognese.

Lovely.

And

rosemary, I think,

as far as I can tell.

And

it's made with ideally quite thick macaroni, like fat macaroni.

Fat macaroni.

Fat bastard cake.

Fat bastard, yeah.

From Austin Powell.

What is it called?

It's not penne, but it's the rigatoni, I think.

Yeah.

And that's the best version.

And then

the best part of it is bechamel sauce on top.

Am I describing every pasta bait?

Because it feels special to me.

I don't know, actually.

I've never made one, so I don't know.

It just sounds nice.

It's sort of like lasagna.

It's like sheetless lasagna.

Yes, it is.

And without the, well, I want to say without the labour intensity, but it takes a day to make the bolognese.

As far as you can tell, you don't know.

You don't know.

And when you are going to have bastard cake, do you and all your family chant Bastard Cake together?

Yeah.

Do you look at it?

Actually, yes.

Bastard cake cake.

Bastard cake.

We're bastard, obviously, not bastard.

Yes, I've said that because you said that.

Eternity posh.

But the thing about bastard cake is it's always there for us.

I don't know why I wasn't expecting you to suddenly look at me then.

It's

often, I mean, you know, like family gatherings, it'll be the first thing.

There'll be a bastard, like, we're all going up to my mum and dad's house, there will will be a bastard cake on arrival.

On arrival?

Yeah, it's there.

No wonder you don't know how long it takes to make it.

Yeah.

Do you ever think about arriving

arriving in the morning to try and catch your mum off guard?

Honestly, it will already be there.

Wow.

Yeah.

And it'll be, it's massive.

So last year, I had a Christmas party and my mum turned up with a bastard cake.

We were like, we've actually already got catering in, mum, but thank you very much.

But she was absolutely right because midnight rolled around and everyone was starving and hammered, and we shoved the bastard cake in, didn't we?

Bastard cake was the first thing I had when I brought my baby home from hospital.

My husband made me a bastard cake because I've been bastard diabetic throughout bastard pregnancy.

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to live with that for nine months.

It's a real

bastard, isn't it?

It's a real bastard, yeah.

Did you think it was odd bringing your new child home and celebrating with bastard cake?

No.

A new bastard in the world!

Something out of Game of Thrones.

Your husband made the bastard cake.

Yeah, he made it.

He got the recipe off my mum, so I guess we could ask him.

Again, I'd say, as far as you can tell, it's...

So your husband made bastard cake.

Did it taste as good as Jude Nappet's bastard cake?

Yeah, it was pretty good.

It's pretty up there.

He's a good cook.

Yeah.

But yeah,

we'll always knock together a bastard cake.

Actually,

if you want to know,

we've sort of hacked

the hell of family cooking,

which is

that we have pretty much the same meal on the same day every week.

Yes, I'd say you've created a new hell.

Okay, so tell me honestly if this sounds like hell.

And I don't mind if the answer is yes.

Macaroni Monday.

Jess, you just said it like you hate it.

That was actually smug Jess.

Oh, sorry.

Is this fat macaroni Monday or just normal macaroni?

You can have.

No, it's little macaroni.

Mac and cheese?

Yeah, mac and cheese.

So macaroni Monday.

Are they all going to be alliterative?

We tried.

Taco Tuesday.

Yeah, obviously.

I love Taco Tuesday.

That's great.

Yeah.

What do you think Wednesday is?

Oh,

Walnut Whips?

No.

That's what you'd have in your house.

Yeah, Walnut Whip Wednesday.

I don't know.

It's a literative.

What can we do?

Wensleydale Wednesday?

No.

Does anyone want to have a guess?

Wings!

Wings or Walnut Wellington.

Wings is a great shout.

Have you not thought about wings?

No.

Someone suggested Wellington.

A Wellington every week, we're being real.

It's very labour-intensive, a Wellington every day.

Wellington a week.

Wine.

It's actually wedges.

I don't know why Smug Jess is back.

Smugjess appears to live in an American bar.

It's actually wedges.

Mac and cheese.

Tacos.

Wedges.

But I have an American husband.

Yeah.

So, yeah, we sort of do live in American bar, really.

Playing pool and stuff.

Tequila Thursday as well as no, I guess.

Shagu.

Yes.

You must keep going.

You must keep going.

So we've got wedge Wednesday.

So you have wedges every Wednesday.

Yeah.

It's sort of like we'll have

like a meat thing.

We basically just have like meat and two veg.

But meat and veg and wedge.

Meat and veg and wedge.

Yeah.

So it doesn't have to wedges don't constitute the whole meal.

No.

But wedges will make an appearance.

Yeah, we know that the wedge is going to make an appearance.

Even though the main bit of the meal changes

every week.

So it has to be served with wedges because it's Wednesday.

But James, you don't understand until you have to cook for

like

people that don't really eat, you know, a six-year-old and a one-year-old.

It's destroyed cooking for me

I mean no offence to them

or bread yeah but you can't just it it's so hard to think like

you know you've you've been working all day and you just the hardest part is thinking what shall I make for tea yeah but that's I guess my point would be maybe make the main bit of the meal the bit that repeats every week and not the side

because you are won't be alliterative James.

I know.

Because you are still having to decide what you cook every

Wednesday, aren't you?

Yeah, Wednesdays, actually, when Wednesdays come around,

it's not great.

Could you bring in wings, maybe?

Wings and wedges?

Wings and wedges every Wednesday?

Yeah.

That's actually a really good idea, thank you.

How's the one-year-old going to deal with wings?

Yeah.

I feel like, in Jess's defense, you really set her up there.

Yeah.

You talked her into wings, and then you went, haha, gotcha, motherfucker.

There's a one-year-old in play.

You forgot that.

Well, I was just thinking, I don't know about one-year-olds, but I don't know.

I can't imagine a one-year-old eating a wing.

I can't imagine that rotating it.

No, we're gonna, we're gonna be, yeah, we're gonna be peeling the meat off the wing.

Actually, she didn't eat chicken.

No,

tricky.

What's Thursday?

Thursday, I'm interested to see if you've gone for a T sound or an F sound here.

F.

Well, because Thursday sounds like

it, yeah.

Said out loud.

I hate to tell you this.

It doesn't sound like that at all.

Thursday.

Yeah, you say Thursday, Ron.

Thursday.

Yeah.

Thursday.

Thursday night.

Thursday.

Thursday.

Okay, a TH noise then.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Well,

yeah, okay.

Well, I don't I don't feel like that is being pinnakety.

That is just it just does start with a TH.

Well, technically there's an R at the end of bastard.

Bastard.

Oh no shit, but it's at the end.

Well I can't get you on that.

You're saying it right, bastard.

He's wrong.

It's Fin Crust Thursday, okay?

It's Thin Cursed.

That's Finn Crust Thursday.

That's great.

Thin Crust Thursday is great.

Sorry, James.

Fin Crust Thursday.

Fincrust Friday.

I would say Fin Crust Thursday.

Yeah, I know you would.

So we're sticking with the bar food, aren't we?

Not on Fish Friday.

Fish Friday.

That's very traditional.

That's great.

Yeah, that is traditional.

Is it fish and chips?

Which sometimes it will be, yeah.

Yeah.

Ever go fish and wedges on Wednesday and then fish and wedges on Friday?

Well, yeah, sometimes that has hit us.

Saturday and Sunday got their dishes, by the way.

No, we just go loosey-goosey, just free it up, just have some fun.

Don't plan, see what happens.

Yeah, that doesn't sound fun to you at all.

Someone's going to hobby craft.

I think you want some felt tips, don't you?

No, mother.

The last week I want.

I think that's what you want.

Felt tip Friday yesterday.

Gosh.

What?

Felt the tape Saturday.

I really feel like that was such an embarrassing overshare.

But is there anyone in this room who understands what it's like to be a parent having to decide what to cook?

Okay, like three people.

I think more people than that.

I think it's very, I think loads loads of pounds.

Yeah, it's ruined it.

It's ruined every meal in your house for the rest of the day.

It does ruin it.

It does for a bit.

Unless you all cook different things, that's the problem.

Also, we don't have deliveroo.

Hang on.

So you don't have it as in you've you've banned it or you've got deliveroo in our neighbourhood.

Oh my god.

I bet.

Let's bear me in mind.

Okay, yeah.

Jess used to live in LA and thought you couldn't drink the water.

So.

We're going going to ask you where you live now and you're going to say central London.

I live in Yorkshire.

I live in Ilkley.

There's no deliveroo there at all.

No, there's a thing called Pronto and then there are really good restaurants.

I don't know why that's made me laugh.

No, it's funny because it's a stupid name.

There are genuinely amazing restaurants even in our little town.

There is a really nice restaurant, a Michelin restaurant.

There's some really, really good Italian, like some of the best Italian I've had outside of Italy.

I really mean that, it's amazing.

But that is kind of it.

There's no, you can't really get anything, so you can't be lazy.

And that's,

I guess, that's my pain that I wanted to share.

But I'm okay, I live with that.

I just hope that people see the Jess who once did have delivery

and

they don't see the Jess after delivery

and make a judgment about her

because I'm still me.

Your dream side dish, Jess.

Well, it's we're going back to China

because

shout out to you.

You've seen that film, right?

Back to China and then

Michael J.

Fox.

I love

back to China.

I love Sechuan Chinese food

very specifically.

And I nearly had that as my main course because

I also think that fried chicken might be the best food in the world.

Yeah.

So I was going to do like, you know, the chill, you know, do you know the chicken that you get on a bed of chilies in Sechuan restaurants?

Sechuan style.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the weird peppercorns in your mouth go all numb.

Yeah, I love that.

I love it so much.

I love that.

I got to see James experience that for the first time.

Yeah, what, your tongue getting anesthetized.

I didn't know, no one had warned me.

Isn't it weird?

And he goes so it goes so.

And I was like, oh, it's so weird.

I don't want to say anything.

So I was eating it and thinking, oh no.

I'm dying.

And luckily, we're with our friend John Robbins, who it was also the first time for him, but John will just confidently say, guys,

I think that maybe all this food is covered in washing up liquid.

I think was his guess.

Yes.

He thought something, he thought they'd like washed up and left the washing up liquid on all the cutlery.

But in a nice way.

And now his mouth is like, I think I've just eaten something from the kitchen that we're not supposed to eat because I can't feel my tongue.

And I was like, oh my god, you said that, John, I can't feel any tea better.

And then obviously.

And he was just lapping this up, just loving it, not saying anything.

Yeah, well, we were also with Lloyd Langford, but he is so welcome, she always sounds like his tongue's numb anyway.

Whatever he eats, his tongue's like, What the fuck is going on?

And so,

after you had this experience and you didn't enjoy it, I loved it first time.

Oh, right.

Once he realized he wasn't in peril, he loved it.

Right.

Once they'd gave me permission, I loved it.

Yeah.

Let's start that again.

Have you thought about having Seshwan Saturdays?

Where?

I mean, I guess your house.

I have tried to make Mapo tofu and it was really hard, but it, and you just, I just can't quite get it right.

And we've got Sechwan peppercorns and all the chili peppers and everything, which we ordered off.

Sous chef?

What?

If you're familiar with sous chef,

oh, I love it so much.

And the sous chef order comes in.

Oh my God.

Also, are you familiar with chili crunch yeah

oh boy

you're not no

you've had chili crunch like the oil with like

bits of chili spoon it out yeah i think it's sesame seed it's sesame seeds and crunchy chilies yeah in oil maybe a bit of garlic in there yeah i love it and you just drizzle it on with a spoon it's not like it's not an oil in a bottle it's an oil in a jar so it's not really an oil yeah yeah well there's oil in it but there's like loads of stuff in there as well like i mean you can drizzle it on or you can do what i do which is stand up in the kitchen and eat it like a yoghurt.

It's good shit.

Yeah.

That's my flavour of choice at the moment.

That's going on everything.

Anyway, yes, it's green beans.

It's green beans.

It's Seshwan green beans, which have a kind of minced pork on top of them.

Nice.

And they are delicious.

It's a bit of a murmur there.

There was a murmur.

There's a minced pork on the beans.

Are they not?

Is that wrong?

That sounds right.

Yeah, that's right.

Like mapo tofu's mint as well isn't it yeah yeah that's delicious and they're all of those sech one chilies as well it'll sort of go with the with the bastard cake ish hard isn't it to pair something with a bastard cake do you want to call them bitch beans to make them go better sure

son of a bitch beans you happy with that prawn toast

It really works for him.

It really does.

Yeah, suits me.

It's gone weird, hasn't it?

It's because James is really enjoying leaving gaps for you to try and fill.

And I can see what he's doing.

That's what he's doing.

He's doing it deliberately because by now he would have asked for dream drink from anyone else.

But he's really enjoying leaving the silence to hang in the air just to see what you'll fill it with.

Yes.

I feel like I am like, I'm interviewing, like,

I don't know, like either a politician or a celebrity who's on the verge of getting cancelled.

And that if I leave gaps, they will

go somewhere crazy.

Yeah, and then

I'll have clickbait on my hands.

So I'm like thinking, if I just like leave it at bitch beans, what will Jess say?

Okay.

You've you've you've

um yeah, you've you've you've rumbled, you've rumbled me.

Yeah, well, now I'm trying to think of a bitch bean-related story.

Brilliant,

Jess.

Just that I'll be the good cop here.

You don't need a bitch bean-related story.

Because do remember, bitch beans is something that we've invented just now.

Okay, are you trying to tell me that I'm enough as I am?

Yeah, that's what this whole episode's been about.

Your dream drink, Jessica Nabbitt.

Oh, I'll have so many dream drinks.

That's not the point, is it?

It's totally different.

It is the point.

It's nice that you have so many.

If you want to give some honourable mentions, you gave a lot of shout-outs to the different breads earlier.

Feel free to give a shout-out because, no offense to the other drinks, of course.

So, I don't want to offend any of the other drinks.

Give them some shout-outs.

I never shouted out

the bread that I've been making.

No.

Is anyone else doing Zoe?

Yes, but don't tell the wine.

Good stuff.

The thing is,

you're a great comedian, and everyone's like, oh, James is so interesting.

He does like new types of comedy.

But that is what you're good at.

Proper comedy.

Old musical stuff.

Musical stuff.

It's just a bit sexist, but in a fun way.

Yes.

Well, most sexism is fun.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I'm the one who's clickbait now.

So,

Zoe, are you talking about the patch in your arm that tells you how your body reacts to different foods?

So you can then change your diet based on the spike in the blood sugar levels that you get from certain foods.

Tell me, Jess, did you miss being diabetic?

Because I'm fucking fed up of this Zoe shit.

These fake ass diabetics.

It is stealing the thunder of the diabetic.

I'm not suggesting that I have any thunder from being diabetic, but it's quite difficult to maintain a blood sugar level as a diabetic.

And I would argue that as a non-diabetic, you don't need a Zoe patch because you have what I like to call a working fucking pancreas.

I agree with Ed because I'm an ally.

Are you doing Zoe?

The thing is, Ed,

as someone who had gestational diabetes, I don't have gestational diabetes.

Is Is that when it's just in your hands?

Oh, that's so nice.

That is fucking brilliant.

I've got some diabetic gigs I can book you for

with that sort of stuff, man.

I've got 10 seconds of material.

Go down a storm.

I don't think the catering will be what you're normally excited for, but

yes, you have had gestational diabetes.

No, there's no point now is there that's as good as it's gonna get

but you are doing are you doing Zoe well because there's a thing where it's like if did you get the diabetes because you are a bit more prone to it and then you're gonna get it or you know did you get it and it's gone forever you know there is

was it the pregnancy that made you a bit diabetic Were you always you stopped gesturing to me when you asked about pregnancy?

Not pregnant, it's just the way I'm sat

anyway.

I was just, I was curious, and I did it, and it did say I've got bad blood sugar, poor blood sugar.

Right, based on what you're eating, based on, yes, but

even like I don't, despite what I've just described, I don't actually just go to McDonald's all the time.

Only some of the time.

And

I think I am quite a healthy eater, generally.

But what I've realized is there's, you know, there's loads of stuff that I thought was healthy that isn't.

And I now now don't eat it as much because of that.

But bread is one of them.

Yes.

Bread will spike blood sugar levels.

Yeah.

So there's this amazing bread.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

I cannot believe I'm talking about this, actually.

Please.

Especially during the drink course.

This is a regressive shout-out.

You've gone back now.

We've gone back to China and back to bread.

It's just that it's really, it it really has been a revelation, and I love it so much.

The bread you've made.

Bread is

made out of seeds, and it's only made out, it's just seeds, Ed and James.

Just nice to be included, I guess.

It's seeds, it's psyllium husk.

Chia seeds.

GP played Oppenheimer, didn't he?

Oh my.

What is it?

It's the fucking.

is this

is this the spirit of Brucey

His ashes are down there

if you're wondering what the joke is Brucey's ashes are they they're under the stage Forsythe's ashes are under the stage

Did you not know that Bruce Forsyth's ashes are under this stage.

What?

Yeah, that is true

People don't know that

That you can Google that.

Yeah, that's true.

That is true.

Yes, really.

Keep on saying wrongly.

Yeah, by request.

It's not how he died.

He wasn't trapped under the.

He was burnt to death

below the stage at the London Palladium.

Fucking let me out!

That didn't happen.

He died, it was cremated, and he wanted to be under the stage of the palladium because it meant a lot to him.

So that's why I'm coming up with this.

That's why James is on good form.

Absolutely brilliant gear right now.

So, seeds, psyllium husks?

Yeah, look, anyway, well, let's just crack on, shall we?

Okay.

But seeds and psyllium husk and chase it into heeni and water, and it's delicious.

And, you know, if you can't eat bread.

I can.

Because you can inject.

Yes.

Yeah.

It's more difficult.

Pregnancy makes it more difficult because you've got to keep your blood sugar levels very, very tight and low, right?

Yeah.

But for me, I can afford now and again just to inject for bread and things like that.

Yeah.

Because I can't stress this enough.

I am not with child.

Right.

it's probably a spicy margarita

yeah gotta be yeah delicious

it's a spicy margarita your dream dessert

James

oh no

whoa whoa whoa

not you not you Jeff

We did a whole series of a TV show together.

What?

No, no, no.

Hear me out.

Hear me out.

Hear me out.

It's no offence to puddings.

No offence to puddings.

The ultimate insult.

It's no offence to puddings.

I think James has taken some offence on their behalf.

Jess, I'm absolutely loving this.

You crack on.

This is my favourite episode of the tour.

Okay, it's just that.

Hear me out, James.

He's gone.

Come back.

James, come back.

James.

He's gone.

So we've just had a message from Benito saying he's gone.

So you just...

He's behind you.

That's good stuff.

I feel like he might have gone gone down to see brucie

he's rubbing the urn going tell me it'll be all right brucie

if he let me finish okay what i'm what i'm gonna say about it is and and this is this is my final word on the matter

i'm not sure it will be jess

because he will come back on at some point

okay should i wait he's not coming back no no no you i i think i know when he's going to come back on but you're going to have to say the magic words

Okay, so

the problem with desserts for me is

they are nice, but they only have one flavour.

The flavour is sweet.

Yeah, I mean.

They're sugary.

Sugary is a great flavour.

I'm not saying they're not delicious.

I am saying they're delicious because they are delicious.

But it is one flavour.

But sweet is one flavour and they all taste the same.

You are right.

Except

there is one pudding that is standout for me.

Yeah.

Well,

you know what I want you to do now, Jeff.

I thought you were just going to say cheese porn.

And in my dream restaurant.

I went for a piss.

The angriest piss of all time.

In the dream restaurant,

the pudding happens

before

the cheese trolley.

How do you feel about that, James?

Okay, yeah, fine.

But the pudding's happening before, and then Jess is ending on the cheese trolley.

Yeah, yeah, fine.

Is that right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I've gone on record saying that's fine.

As long as there's a property.

No, you've got on record saying it's fine to have the cheese course and then the pudding, so I just wonder what it would be like the other way around for you.

You're not going to have the cheese course and then the pudding.

Who's done that?

Loads of people who have done that.

It's like a bridge.

The French.

The French.

Nobody does that.

The French.

Although, do you know, the Americans have cheese first.

Do they?

Yeah.

Cheese first.

Do they really, though?

Told us one house you went to.

And in Norfolk, they shoved the cheese up their ass.

You had to eat it out of the host's ass.

Steve.

That was Steve's greasy ass.

And he'd washed it.

He told me he'd washed it.

That's why it was so greasy.

I can't wait to see you chat to your in-laws like this.

What's this dessert?

Okay, look.

If this dessert isn't on the menu, then I don't order a dessert.

Okay.

And I will order the cheese, James.

Okay?

But it's a dream restaurant, so

the dessert is there, it is present, and it's sticky toffee pudding.

Fantastic.

Beautiful.

And

it's served with ice cream, obviously, because hot and cold together is such a great combo.

Can you think of other

places in life where hot and cold is a great combo?

Soreness.

And then when you get out of the smoker.

Love it.

Love it.

Yeah.

Saunas.

And then when you get out of the sauna.

You?

Mika, I think of one.

Oh, yeah, I guess.

I mean, I'm not the one who made the statement, but yes.

I would say, ooh,

it's actually quite hard to think of

maybe a jacuzzi.

And when you get out of the jacuzzi.

Yeah.

So, Sticky topby pudding, definitely that that's like a a crowd pleaser, that's a fan favourite, as you heard there.

I mean, you can't really go wrong, can you?

I don't think so, no.

I'm buying it regularly from

there's like a northern brand.

I think they're kind of trying to claim that they invented it in Lancashire.

And there's a there's a town called Carmel.

Sorry?

Cartmell.

Cartmel.

Cumbria.

Cumbria.

Yeah, it's in Cumbria.

Apologies, apologies, apologies.

No offence.

No offence to Lancashire for not having it.

No offence to Lancashire, but you didn't invent the sticky toffee pudding.

That was Cumbria.

Because that's why Cartmel.

Yes.

Cartmel.

That's well.

Cartmell.

Yes.

Have you been buying sticky toffee pudding from Cartmel?

No, I've been buying it from the supermarket.

It says cartmel on it.

On it.

It's cartmel yourself.

Yeah, and it's really, that is a really good one.

Yeah.

I've been dropping a lot of brands tonight, actually, haven't I?

Cartmel, Hobbycraft, McDonald's, McDonald's, yeah, all the big brands.

How often are you having sticky toffee pudding?

Well,

yeah,

STP.

My husband is a feeder, actually, a bit.

There'll be a couple in the freezer now.

I know there will.

Yeah, it sounds like he's the serial killer.

There'll be a couple in there.

I mean, there'll be a couple in the freezer now.

A couple STPs.

Yeah, they're just waiting to go at any one time, really.

Now, some people might have thought that, and it's fine now, you're passed the, yeah, you've done a dessert, but the secret ingredient for tonight that was suggested by the audience was a key lime pie because you said on Taskmaster that you make those.

So some people might have thought that you would enjoy key lime pie, but you're saying no, only sticky-toppy puddings.

Well, I do enjoy.

Oh,

I see what you're doing.

What?

What?

You're trying to make me say it, and then you can boot me off dramatically.

I mean, we literally just told you that it was the secret ingredient.

I don't see how that's a trick.

Yeah, well, I've sussed you out.

No, you would have to put it on your menu for it to be.

Oh, right.

Yeah, you can say it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Yeah, I suppose

if I, I mean, you know, you know what?

If at this point you do choose it, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Not us tricking you.

It is delicious, but I'm not going to put it on my.

No, I'm not going to be stupid.

Stick it off your pudding.

I'm going to leave of my own will.

I want to be satellite.

Bury me under the stage.

It's so poetic.

Bury me under the stage at the palate of that thing.

He's not buried here.

He's not buried here, no.

You don't go downstairs and it's the corpse of Bruce Forsyth.

Laying in state.

Laying in state, like Stalin.

Yeah, in that position.

Yeah.

That would not be nice to see, to see, nice.

Okay then.

And you want a cheese board after that.

Very rarely does the guest try and end the episode.

Okay then that's it.

Okay then.

That's it.

Sometimes that happens but we edit it out.

Yes.

It's hard to edit it out when it's in front of the audience.

They all have to just see that sometimes guests turn to us and go, yeah, all right.

I think you two have done enough now of whatever the fuck this is.

And you want the the cheese board after?

Trolley.

Not happy with the trolley?

It's a lot more cheese, isn't it?

But you just want to choose it from the trolley.

You'd be choosing from the trolley.

What would you choose?

What cheese would you choose?

Definitely something blue.

Stilton, a Yorkshire blue, maybe.

There's also going to be something soft, camemberry

or brief.

And something hard, like, you know, a manchego, a comte, a pecorino.

Lovely.

That's what I'd definitely go for.

I really like salty blue cheese with sweet biscuits.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it?

You would like Yorkshire tap water.

You would like a stack of spicy pop-doms from the Shama Bingley in 1998 with all the dips on an upholstered carpeted chair.

You want an amuse bouche of sour cream with caviar and crisps.

Starter, you want prawn toast with black sesame seeds from a high-end Chinese restaurant or Italian restaurant with a sweet and spicy dip plus some crispy seaweed.

Main course, you want bastard cake, dude napping.

Side dish, Seshwan-style green beans with minced pork.

Drink

a spicy margarita.

Dessert, a sticky toffee pudding with ice cream, followed by a cheese trolley.

Happy?

So happy.

The off-menu menu of Jessica Naputt.

Jessica Nappard.

Thank you very much, lovely.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you for coming.

You've been brilliant.

Stay steady home.

Good night.

Well, there we are.

What a way to kick off a residency at the Palladium, James.

And Jess did text me after the show and said her husband has told her that it was only her house.

uh where they couldn't drink the water yes so she she got that wrong she got that wrong she got i never knew that when she was living in LA, that you could drink the water there.

I think if I was under a massive misapprehension or I'd assumed something for ages without asking someone, the place I'd least like to find out is on stage at the Palladium.

Yeah.

In front of a...

Sold-out crowd.

A sold-out crowd.

Thank you so much, Jess.

And hey, we'll be back soon with another bubble bonus episode.

Next week from the

Palladium.

Yeah, well, you're really good at that.

Yeah, I'm pretty good at it.

You got to focus on it.

You've got to really focus.

I might get you to do loads of different words next week.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what...

Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

we're like olivia rodrigo and ed people have been asking us battering us bothering us actually they want to watch the stephen graham supercut from the stephen graham episodes they can see all of his reactions to us everything that he did or benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on youtube he's going to do it Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

so you can see every single nuance on our little faces.