Ep 229: Sam Campbell (Live in Nottingham)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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James, it's Saturday, so do you know what time it is?

It's bonus time with another brilliant live tour episode from the Off-Menu Tour that we did in 2023.

And this one specifically was on the 18th of October 2023 in the Nottingham Royal Concert Hall with our brilliant special guest, Sam Campbell.

Yes.

Now, we said in previous episodes, you know, there's some callbacks to the first half that might not make sense.

And we've let you know that, you know, the audience chose the secret ingredient, which in this case is Vegemite.

Vegemite.

Keep that in mind.

Also, I think you should know in this episode that Sam Campbell, for the whole thing, and it was a surprise to us when he walked on stage, is wearing a crash helmet that has a fork, an upright fork stuck to it that's coming out of it with a sausage skewered on the fork.

Yes.

For the whole episode, he's wearing that on his head.

And a t-shirt.

And a t-shirt.

That says food lover.

It says food lover and caps lock that fills the whole t-shirt.

I think there is a picture of that available on our social media if you want to go and have a look.

You've got to go and see that.

Yeah.

But just so our reaction to Sam.

Maybe we even describe it to the listener.

I think we probably do.

Maybe we were professional on the night.

I think we probably do describe it.

But what we really can't do justice to is our faces when Sam came out and does what he does at the beginning of the episode.

So

look forward to that.

I remember seeing an interview with Teller once from Penn and Teller.

Yeah.

And because he talks in the interviews.

Does he?

Yes.

And he said that a magician had shown him a trick.

And because he's a magician himself, he knew where the trick was going.

So the magician threw in a little thing there where he did the opposite of what a magician would expect.

Yes.

And that it filled him with joy.

And it was a lovely gift that the magician gave him to make him feel like he believed in magic and magic was done for him, like a genuine audience member.

And I felt like that was Sam Campbell

doing the outfit.

I think he came, he deliberately kept it a secret from us, really went out of his way because he wanted to make us laugh as well when he came out and not just have us being on it.

He wanted to make us audience members too.

Yes.

Thank you, Sam, for that gift.

Here it is.

Sam Campbell live in Nottingham.

Thank you for this gift.

It's time to do the podcast proper.

Ed Gamble, kick us off like you're on you.

You can.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Taking the John Dory Fish and Chips of Humour.

Getting Tommy at home to cook the steak of friendship.

Putting them all together and getting the Foskers Fish and Chips Surf and Turf, Off Menu Podcast.

That is it, Gamble.

My name is James A.

Castle.

Together we own a dream restaurant.

And every single week we invite in a guest, asking their favourite ever, start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Sam Campbell.

You all know Sam Campbell.

One of our favorite comedians currently absolutely smashing it on Taskmaster.

We are very,

very excited to have Sam here.

We all know the secret ingredient.

We did that in the first half.

So, without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Sam Campbell.

Welcome, Sam.

Thanks so much.

Sorry, can I just say, on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the City of Nottingham and on behalf of the entire Midlands region,

thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding evening.

Sorry, can I just say,

I mean, this means a lot to me.

I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic.

I've faced a lot of obstacles, you know.

I'll tell you what, the man upstairs upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball,

but I was never truly alone

because every Wednesday, my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears in the form of the most amazing podcast.

I've been to so many places with so many incredible people.

I've smiled with excitement as Scroobious Pip describes his crazy pizza.

I've trembled with delight as

Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna milk.

I've gasped as the magician Dynamo talks about his corned beef hash.

I was never alone because I was with you guys.

You've gotten me through so many storms.

Thank you, Sam.

Thank you, Sam.

Oh, God.

Why did I.

I literally thought Sam was just going to walk out and sit down.

Of course, he's not going to fucking do that.

Don't know why we thought that.

I don't even know where all that stuff came from.

Honestly, we've not seen any of this.

It's not been mentioned to us.

We were side of stage.

Sam was dressed completely differently.

He didn't have a bag on him at all of any sorts.

He's clearly arranged that with these guys.

Yeah, and they've been hiding that.

That was the first time we'd seen it.

That speech was the least of our worries.

Yeah.

Sam was texting me last night going, I'm really worried about the show, about my menu and stuff, and turned up with a fucking fully prepared monologue.

And those were the correct dishes for each of those guests as well.

Well, welcome, Sam.

Hey, how have you been?

Yeah, good.

Yes, James, please.

We need to start this properly, Sam.

So, yeah, get ready.

so Sam obviously as a student of the show you know that James is a genie on yeah so we need to get get the genie out the lamp I always ask this to the guests would you like to rub the lamp or should we do it in an imaginary fashion

do you want to rub the lamp

yeah you can go and rub the lamp

it's funny it's called a lamp isn't it it's more it yeah like it wouldn't be like oh yeah a lamp

like a strange pot yes

i think you do like i think traditionally you would light the ends because it would have oil in it it's an oil lamp yes okay well let's get oily

i summon this great well my brother

Welcome Sam Campbell to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Genuinely scared?

He was genuinely scared by that.

That was amazing.

You didn't want to scare you, ma'am.

Oh, no, it was Sam.

It was awe, it was excitement, it was everything.

How's that staying on your head?

Because when you walk, it's like you're trying to balance it a bit.

No, but you're fine there.

That's solid.

Yeah.

What were we talking?

Oh, if you're just listening to this, Sam is wearing a t-shirt that says food lover and a helmet with a sausage on a fork on it.

Just thought I should describe it for the listener.

And for the big finale, you guys are going to lady in the tramp that sausage.

Could happen.

Is that a real sausage or is that a...

It's a vegetarian sausage.

It's not that old.

Makes me quite suspicious, Sam.

I'm not sure I want to lady in the tramp that sausage anymore.

No, no, no.

This is for one to lady in the tramp.

Yes.

And I mean, you've been a vegetarian for how long now?

Maybe for three years.

Ever since I watched that big documentary, Leaving Neverland.

That'll do it.

That'll do it.

Yeah.

That'll do it.

Well, we're very excited to hear your menu, Sam.

Oh, yeah.

I can't wait.

You've been putting a lot of thought into it.

I have, yeah.

Yeah.

Putting everything.

That in this hat, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you were texting Ed a lot about your concerns.

And Edward,

whenever I saw Ed, Ed would go, yeah, and Sam's been saying, like, you know, I don't know what to say.

And I was like, why haven't I received any of these texts from Sam?

All the concerns are just,

yeah.

Ed's less moody.

I don't want to catch you in one of your moods.

And

I was just nervous about it, I'm just not the biggest foodie in the world.

Like, I'm just, yeah.

But I'll give it a crack.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

You know, when people talk about food, I do zoom now.

Okay.

This might be an issue then, Sam.

Yeah.

Well, we always start with still a sparkling water, Sam.

Do you have a preference?

I'm going to have to go with sparkling water.

Some booze, though, some booze for sparkling water.

Why do you like sparkling water?

Or why do you prefer it to still?

Did you not know there'd be follow-up questions?

Have you ever had a guess who thinks about what they're trying to say?

Oh, it.

Should have learnt to leave gaps.

Sorry, sorry.

I've really got into it at the library in Sydney in a big way.

say again so that

so in I'm from you know in Sydney there's the Merrickville Library and Pavilion it's like this amazing it was voted as one of the top 10 libraries in the world by a major website

it was and

yeah you could get free refills of sparkling water so once you get your first bottle you hold on to that all day and you can just

continue that journey How many bottles of water would you say you'd get through?

And I've never asked this question before, during a day at the library.

I'd say four or five bottles of sparkling water.

Wow.

And do they offer the same deal with still water as well?

It was only with sparkling.

Oh, I reckon, yeah, they would.

It would be the same because that's free in most, and clean drinking water is a human right.

Like you're whooping that as if finally someone in the show has said that.

Why didn't Ed and James open with clean drinking water?

Is it you?

I'm more concerned about the majority of the audience who didn't whoop that.

So at the library, you would have a choice between still or sparkling water, but you went for sparkling.

I would often go for the sparkling.

So I would say when Ed asked you how long you've had that preference, it sounds like before then.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, that wasn't the first time I had it.

But is it because it feels like a better deal when you're offered still or sparkling water for free?

Sparkling feels like a better deal to get for free, right?

Yes.

Yeah, absolutely.

I would never really have it at home.

No.

You'd not buy a bottle of sparkling water for home.

I've bought a soda stream, but never for myself as a gift.

You bought it as a gift for other people.

For my friend's wife.

Yeah.

It's a bit weird.

I was living with him then.

I was living with them both.

Yes.

She's my friend as well.

Yeah.

Okay.

They're in their 50s.

This is Mark Silcox.

Yeah, it is.

It's Mark Silcox's wife.

I used to live with Mark Silcox near the airport.

I don't know what it is.

I mean, it's a shame that not everyone will know who Mark Silcox is, but also it would take way too long to explain to you

this man.

Mark Silcox, okay, just quick,

if Mark Silcox came on now, you would all look to Sam as the voice of reason.

That's what kind of a man Mark Silcox is.

So Mark Silcox's wife, who as far as I understand, I never met her, but she's a very normal person.

And you bought her a soda stream.

Yeah.

Is that because she expressed an interest in having a soda stream?

It must have come up.

And was it for her birthday or something?

It was when I left their home.

Yeah.

Like when it was time for me to find my own place.

I can't be living with.

Yeah.

So you left a soda stream at your place, essentially, yeah.

Yeah.

Poplums or bread.

Pop logs or bread, Sam Campbell.

Pop lumps or bread.

The sausage stayed.

I really thought that was the end of the sausage there, and it's rock solid up there.

That's impressive.

Oh,

poppadums or bread, Sam.

Oh,

listen, I'm going to go with poppadoms.

And don't be conservative with the yogurt.

Is that something that annoys you if people bring you pop-adoms and they're conservative with the yogurt?

A little bit.

I mean, I do like the yogurt to be there, yeah.

Yeah.

To be present.

And plenty of it.

Yeah.

How often are you having poppadoms?

Would you,

on the on a weekly basis, how many poppadoms would you say you're eating?

How many times am I having it a week and how many am I having?

Yes.

Shivers.

I reckon once a month.

Once a month and I maybe I don't know, I'd have three or four.

It's usually with a group, a group of people and a group of poppadoms.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that the term for lots of pop-adoms?

A group, would you say?

I'm still stuck on shivers.

Yeah.

It was so natural as as well wasn't it yeah yeah it's part of your vocab a stack a stack big stack big stack of stack of poppadoms I know you mainly have in the yogurt is that the main dip there or are you getting all the other dips in what I like to do and you might want to try this is I dip the poppadoms in the yogurt

that's pretty clever man

Do you know what I've been doing?

I've been eating all the poppadoms completely dry.

It's horrible.

And then I've been knacking the yogurt just to try and just mix them up in my stomach.

Yeah.

That's genius.

Now there is an argument for that, but I like to, when I eat, I really...

No, I do.

I like to kind of combine all the different flavours.

Yeah.

Lime pickle?

Sorry?

Lime pickle?

Absolutely, yeah.

Yeah.

Mango chutney?

Oh, yes, yes, thank you.

Yeah.

I saw that you did understand that word.

Yeah.

There you go back straight in.

Yeah.

Okay.

So if I went back to lime pickle now, would you know what I was talking about?

Ah, yes.

But we just don't have time.

The chopped up raw onion?

You haven't that one?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, love that.

I'm sort of an onion fanatic.

Are you?

Yeah.

Oh, wow, I didn't know that.

Let's hear more about

you being an onion fanatic.

Well, you know, it's sort of something that has happened for me this year.

I guess caramelised onions have kind of

made their way in.

Yeah, to the diet.

Yeah.

And what you have a nose with, to the caramelized onions, what are your favourite dishes?

I'm on the caramelised onion diet.

It's the only thing I eat.

Are you caramelising at home?

How do you caramelize?

Teach me.

I want to be you.

Okay.

This is why you get the text.

I don't even want to swap lives with you.

I want to be like a passenger inside your mind and just see you.

I want you to make the decisions, but I see them.

Like being John Malkovich, that sort of thing, yeah.

Being Ed Gamblevich.

When I was in Melbourne at the same time as you, you were texting James quite a lot saying that you were in the same hotel as me.

I couldn't believe it.

Yeah, there's a weird text to receive.

Yeah.

Oh my God, I'm in the same hotel as Ed Gamble.

Okay, have you said hello?

I don't want to bother him.

I'd say the key is just don't turn up the heat too high.

You've got to low and slow with caramelized onions.

It's going to take way longer than you're thinking of.

Is it one of these things?

Some people are talking about things that take 12 hours to cook.

Is that real?

Not real.

I think it's real, but not onions.

I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus, but don't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do.

How low would you have to go heat-wise to cook them for 12 hours?

And then they still, how you want them?

You could put them in the oven, I reckon, overnight on a very, very low heat, and it would.

I mean, it probably wouldn't caramelize them, but it would bake, it would bake it overnight.

Do that with tomatoes, man.

You do little tomatoes in the oven, you're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight.

Overnight, pretty cool.

I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I wouldn't.

You wouldn't be able to sleep.

I'd think the house is going to catch fire.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I was like, I thought you meant you'd be so excited about the tomatoes.

No.

Well, maybe, I don't know.

But, like, I think, well.

Getting at me, keep looking through the.

It's like Christmas.

Yeah, it is a bit.

My wife used to share a flat with someone.

He's a lovely man.

He's still a very good friend.

But the first night she was sharing the flat with him, she was like, weirded out because she was in a new place or whatever.

She got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water about three, four in the morning.

She came into the kitchen and all of the lights were off, but he was stood in front of the oven and the light from the oven was just lighting him.

And he was baking a cake.

Four in the morning, completely silently, watching a cake bake.

You expect that?

Pretty late for a cake.

So yeah, I think half an hour to 45 minutes.

What's the longest that someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay?

Wow.

Good luck, man.

Good luck with this one.

I guess like barbecue, like Texas barbecue food, you'd probably cook that for you know 15, 16 hours sometimes with like a brisket or pulled pork.

Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years?

Is that what am I.

Why are you asking questions?

You've already got the answers to them.

No, I thought he would know.

You mean like in I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere where they've it might be in Japan apologies if I'm wrong but they've got like a soup that's been cooking for like hundreds or thousands of years.

Did they ever dip into it?

Yeah I think they...

No one, they haven't had any yet.

I hope it's good.

But I think that's like they're adding to it all the time.

So there's like bits that have been there for that long.

Like a sourdough starter.

You know, a sourdough starter, you're just adding to it.

Didn't someone do that with a rock and it was a trick?

No, I think you're right.

I think it might be a fable or something.

You like a stone soup.

Yeah.

Do you know about this?

Oh, the stone soup fable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know this one?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they got this.

So this guy, he's got like a...

Okay, that's not how fables start sound.

We don't know how Australian fables go.

And then there's a...

Maybe most Australian fables start off with this guy or this Sheila.

Yeah.

There was this fella and pretty much all he had was a rock.

That's all he's got.

Somehow ends up with an incredible meal.

How?

Here's what he did.

He went...

He so basically goes, oh my god, we're making this amazing soup.

Everyone's got to contribute something.

I've got this rock, what have you got?

Someone's like, I've got some amazing chopper food.

Ham.

Ham.

I've got some...

Celery.

Celery.

Basically, everyone in the community contributes one thing.

And at the end of it, he's got this amazing soup.

He goes, well, yeah, we've made this.

And then he got to have some of it.

I had forgot that fable.

Yeah.

When you told it, I was like, oh yeah.

I like the way you told that fable though, as if it was just something your friend told you.

Can you do the tortoise and the hare for me?

Basically there was this,

it was a pretty huge race.

I'd be surprised if you didn't hear about it.

So yeah I think a lot of animals were involved.

I'm actually not too sure about which other animals were in it.

These two do tend to dominate the story.

But yeah, a huge race.

Everyone thinks the hare is going to win.

Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag.

This is yours.

And the tortoise, the tortoise is like, oh, do I even stand a chance?

Should I even enter?

His coach was like, you've still, you should do it.

It is for charity.

And

yeah.

So, yeah, beautiful charity.

And, um, what charity?

Sorry?

What charity was the tortoise running for?

Alopecia.

Yeah?

It affects tortoises quite badly.

Yeah, it does.

Well, they

anyway,

it is maybe in poor taste to have a hair.

Still got it, never lost it.

Well, let's get on to your menu proper, Sam.

Your dream starter.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go with a sandwich.

Now, I did have a little sneak preview of this because one of the texts Sam sent me late last night was, Do you think a sandwich could be a starter?

What I wasn't expecting was for Sam to just say, I'm going to go with the sandwich.

So,

where in the library did you discover sandwiches?

What is it a specific type of sandwich, Sam?

Yeah.

Yeah, go on.

Go on, buddy.

Caramelized onion.

Actually, no, that's not involved.

Red onions.

Okay.

Are you...

And fine if you are.

Making this sandwich up as you go along.

This is a real sandwich that I had recently.

Great.

Yeah.

Okay, let's pick up from red onion then.

Red onion.

You got this.

You got this, ma'am.

So, red onion.

Yeah.

Red onion.

Bechamel sauce.

Yep.

That's like it's in a film where there's a scene and two women are talking, it's not about a man.

Yeah.

The bechamel test.

This operation would not pass that test.

And then roast.

What are we talking about?

Roasted.

Sandwich that you bought up.

That's what we're talking about.

Roasted peppers.

Roasted peppers.

Which I don't think I know what a pepper really is.

Because in Australia we have capsicums, but that's...

And then we have chilies, but I think you call pepper, all chilies and capsicums.

Everything's a pepper over here, huh?

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we've got like bell peppers would be like the standard ones, then chili peppers.

But bell peppers are very American, right?

I think in the UK we just call everything.

We just call them peppers, but just

I mean look at what I'm explaining to

James.

Would you even let the word capsicum pass your lips?

No.

Capsicum is what we would just call a pepper, right?

The bigger...

Yeah.

So you would say, what about zucchini?

Would you ever say that?

Would you say zero?

Wouldn't go as a courgette.

I think we'd go with it.

Really?

Change that.

Lose that.

Corge.

Zucchini.

No, wouldn't go as a...

Zucchini.

I know what.

What are you doing late at him?

I'd have a zucchini.

What about you?

I'm to have a courgette.

It sounds wrong.

It's very boarding school.

It's wrong.

Yeah.

One be round.

So you've got the bread?

Yeah.

What kind of bread is it?

I couldn't say it was toasted.

Where was this from?

He made it in his home town.

No, no, no, no, no.

I didn't make it.

No,

no, a man gave it to me.

A man gave it to you.

Did you give the man money?

Yes.

So.

It was all above board guys

where did you so where did you buy it from this and uh crunch and co crunch and co yeah where's crunch and co in brighton it's got a 4.4 rating but it deserves more

are you allowed to have one that's from a place yeah i was actually going to just describe it and not mention the place to sound more but i'm glad i've mentioned the place yeah you can mention the specific place every time if you want yeah yeah so crunch and co in brighton 4.4 deserves higher Yeah.

So

red onion, bechamel, peppers, like roasted peppers.

Yeah.

Anything else in there?

There was some other stuff I don't know about.

What do you mean you don't know about?

I think there was one other thing that I can't, it doesn't come to mind, but it was really sensational.

But I think the main stuff's there.

I don't think the main stuff is there.

I think the things you've mentioned can't be the main stuff.

I think the red onion, the bechamel sauce, and the peppers.

It's all a bit sparkling.

None of those are the headliner of any sandwiches.

I think what you're missing out right now is the main bit.

Okay.

I know it's going to be a veggie one.

Do you know what it looked like, the main thing, or what it tasted like?

We can try and really narrow it down.

If this turns out to be a veggie sausage, I'm going to go mantle.

Have you got your phone on you?

I've got my phone on me, yeah.

Google, Crunch and Co., Crunch.

Yeah, Benito.

Because normally Benito would be able to do this because he'd be in the room with us with the business.

But can I say it wasn't an open-faced sandwich?

It wasn't an open-faced sandwich, it was a closed casket.

But yeah, sorry.

Sam, is it Crunch and Co.

or Crunch and Co.?

I think it's Crunch and Co.

Crunch and Co.

Okay, you guys just keep chatting.

He's a great guy.

Michael Crunch.

And an amazing team.

Can you tell me more about Michael Crunch and his team?

Okay, I'm going to say, Sam, big things have happened because Crunch and Co.

on Google is 4.8.

This podcast changes lives.

Grilled sandwiches.

Here we go.

Oh, my God.

You guys are tense now, Sam.

It is tense.

It's exciting.

Oh, oh, dear.

You're going to feel like a real fool, James.

Pepper crunch.

Roasted peppers and red onions with bechamel sauce and cheese mix.

Bang, that's it.

Is that real?

You're right, you're correct.

It's the main stuff.

It's the main stuff.

I mean, you know what?

I nearly kind of like, when I said it wasn't, it can't be the main thing.

Yeah.

I don't know if I did say it now, but I nearly said, there's no, it's not a pepper sandwich, is it?

Yeah.

Did I say that out loud?

No, it was in my head.

Well, that's what I was going to say.

Yeah.

It's called pepper crunch.

Well, let me tell you, their classic classic crunch is exactly the same, but without the peppers or onion.

It's bechamel sauce and cheese.

What?

Aka, the wettest sandwich in the fucking world.

Yeah, and it's got the word crunch in it somehow.

And the bread is a choice of white or brown campagnue.

or white sourdough or gluten-free bread.

So there you go, but you need to pay 75p extra for gluten-free.

Well, look, that sandwich is real.

We know Sam's not making making shit up here.

You loved it.

You loved Mike Crunch and his team?

Yeah.

So yeah, that's that's a computer.

Can we log that?

Can we get that up there?

Logged.

It's logged.

That's your starting.

Oh great.

Your dream main course.

Oh.

I'm going to go with biang bang noodles.

Bang bang noodles.

I think there's an eye in there.

Byodles.

Biang bang.

Bang.

By

I couldn't quite work out whether you were saying that or you were just saying bang in a weird way.

So.

How would you say it?

How's it spelled?

B-I-A-H.

Yeah.

Biang biang, I guess.

Biang bang.

Biang biang.

Dun dun biang.

Sam, what are biang biang noodles?

You've had this dish.

I'm not sure I have.

Take me through it.

What's in them?

You've never had them?

I don't think so.

Well, it is from the city of Xeyan.

The Shaanxi province.

It's a delicious, long, flat noodle.

I've not had it.

You've never had that?

None.

This is a really good dish.

Yeah, tell us about it.

So it's from the Shanghai province.

I think it's the Shangxi province.

What?

What province?

Shang-Si province.

Shang-Si province.

Yeah.

It's just the longest noodle you've ever seen.

So when you see a bowl of this stuff, you're like, oh, there's probably 40 noodles in there.

There's like three.

It just keeps going.

You're like, I've been eating this same noodle for like 20 minutes.

What's going on?

So you could, if you wanted to lady in the tramp with someone, you could do it from about 800 meters away.

Yeah.

Yeah, you could have a long distance relationship with the noodles.

So what are they served with, the Biang Biang noodles?

What's the flavoring in there?

I think oil

So just oil, yeah, you get it near Emirates Stadium

Hang on, so you're you want just the biang biang noodles three of them with oil which is more than it's like a seriously long noodle.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

But just with oil.

It doesn't come with any there's no there is other stuff.

There's chili and you can get it with a tomato base.

Okay, the plot thickens.

Yeah,

but no like other veggies in there or anything.

Bok choy!

Yep, bok choy.

Yeah.

Is that the end of the list of the veggies that are in there?

I really think that's it.

That's it.

And I'm not going to question that this time.

Fool me once.

Yeah, I've been fooled before.

So I believe that it's just...

The bok choy.

Yeah.

And the oil.

There must be garlic in there, Sam.

And look, take it from me, man, you don't wanna.

You don't want to go there and start saying, this must be in there because I look like an absolute prick over here

after pepper crunch.

Yeah, but we can't Google Biang Biang Noodles Emirates Stadium, can we?

It's, I think.

Yeah, this is it.

Oh, is it Xian Impression?

Yeah.

Is that near the Emirates Stadium?

Yeah.

What is that?

What's it called?

Xian Impressions.

Very famous restaurant.

Have you been there?

I've got it 23 times from Uber Eats.

He's got it 23 times from Uber Eats.

He's in the

top 1%.

Some people can't hear what you said.

He said he's ordered from there 23 times on Uber Eats.

He says he's in the top 1%

customers.

And I can't see him, but I'm pretty sure he's wearing a helmet with a sausage on it.

23 times.

It sounds absolutely delicious.

How do you find that stuff out?

Is there like a delivery wrapped or something at the end of the year?

How do you get that?

They do keep stats on people.

They do these things.

They keep the stats.

Did Uber Eats contact you to tell you that?

It was when I was moving out.

I was trying to order one last time.

What, and they knew you were moving out?

It happens manually.

When you hold on.

When you move house,

Uber Eats then

says before you go

Here's everywhere you ordered from and how many times and you were in the top 1% of the customers at

this place

Now

where did you think I got a question?

What's your name?

Sam my name's Mansfield You sound like I'm with Chloe as well Nope.

I imagine Chloe is halfway home right now.

Hello, Chloe.

Thank you, Chloe.

You've got a beautiful family.

Classy.

What do you reckon, James?

I'll ask you this first.

I'm going to ask you this as well, Sam.

When you move house,

what restaurant do you reckon is going to be the top one for you that Uberits are going to tell you?

Uber Eats will tell me I'm in the top 1% for Sticks and Sushi.

Sticks and Sushi.

That's what it will will tell me.

Top 1% do you reckon?

Yeah, I order from Sticks and Sushi a lot.

And

always get the Hell's Kitchen sushi and the salmon

stuff.

Top 1%.

More than 23 times as well.

I'm not a fucking wimp.

Are you ordering a lot of takeaway to your house, Sam?

I really try not to.

Why not?

Just the way they treat their riders and drivers.

Sam's always got a curveball, and it turns out this time it was a genuinely serious point.

Sending them out with helmets that don't have sausages on top.

I used to get Macie Mayo a little bit when I was living in London, you know.

Do you ever go there?

Mackey Mayo.

Macie Mayo?

No, what's that?

It's like gangam chicken, but I'll get the gangam tofu.

Nice.

Like Korean fried tofu stuff.

Yeah, I would get that, yeah.

Nice.

For me,

I don't really want to to say now because you've made that point about how they treat their riders and drivers.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A lot of them are bad people.

Bread and truffle, they do big for catcher sandwiches.

And I'm like, I'll only have that if I'm hungover.

I'm feeling a bit sad.

And I got it three times last week.

These noodles sound great.

We know where they're from now.

Yes.

And we found out what's in them after all that?

No, the Jean Impression website was being a little slow.

Uh, Safari could not open the page because the server stopped reflecting on the page.

Have you had these noodles before?

Yeah, I order every time.

Those noodles every time.

And are those all the is it bok choy, oil, and smart and bass?

Yeah, nothing else.

Ah, come to think of it, there was a bit of garlic.

Wait, hold on a moment.

Yes,

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The dream side dish.

Oh, wow.

Sam, we literally saw you reading your notes before you came out.

And also you then delivered a monologue about how much you love the podcast and how it's got you through, I believe, the epidemic of loneliness is what you called it.

It's so hard to read that document that I...

Because

it's quite blue writing.

Writing's quite blue.

I run out of my black cartridge on my printer, so it's like just blue.

It's hard to read blue.

Yeah, yeah.

One of my favorite things about you sam and there are many but certainly it's only occurred to me on this podcast is the way you say something completely that has no response to it and then look at me as if your turn now

it's hard to read in blue

i don't know just hoping stuff will spark you oh i just had a problem with my printer or i've got a great recommendation You've got to switch.

There's a new colour that we've discovered.

And Joe, what?

I understand what you mean you're completely right and look I'm a I'm a weird guy but like it's really what Ed is saying is it's like you're playing tennis with Ed and you're either side of a net and you've like just served over like a wet cabbage yeah and then you look at Ed like

because nothing is gonna top what you did it's too funny You know what is going to get is getting huge is pickleball.

Have you?

It's the fastest growing ball sport in North America.

Before he talks about this, this is a genuine thing that Sam has been playing.

I've spoken to him about this off stage.

Sam is playing pickleball a lot.

So let's hear about it.

Go ahead and talk about pickleball.

There's some enthusiasts here.

There's a few people in this crowd who really get me.

So the

pickleball, it's seriously, it's huge in America.

Someone I know went on a date with Larry David's pickleball coach.

Doesn't that just rock your world?

It's insane.

Sam, what is pickleball?

Oh,

this is the exact conversation I had with him.

Every time I asked him what pickleball was, he said something like that.

What's pickleball?

Someone I know is Larry David's pickleball coach.

Yep.

What's pickleball?

Oh, it's the fastest growing sport in North America.

Okay, I will get into it, but there are pickleball magazines.

Like, if something has magazines,

it is going to take over.

But it's like, it's almost like a a cross between table tennis and tennis.

It's using wooden bats and a pickleball, which is like a plastic ball with holes in it.

It looks, I mean, it's just a pickleball, really.

It's a yellow plastic ball with holes.

It's quite plasticky, and you thwack that over.

And it's like, I think the good thing is that elderly people can play it.

So is it on like a full-size tennis court?

No, no, much smaller, Ed.

About the size of this custom mat.

Okay, so about the size of this custom mat, and it's like a big ball with holes in it.

It's not that big, it's about this big.

Tennis ball size?

Tennis ball size?

Yeah.

And elderly people can play it.

Yeah.

And that's why you like it?

I just, you can pick it up really quickly.

Yeah.

When I've just fallen in love with the sport.

Okay.

I think so far

I understand

the size of the court

and what the ball looks like.

I still don't understand the objective of the game, what the rules are, how people play it.

And I'm not super clear on that stuff.

But yeah, it's just like tennis, basically.

There's a net.

There is a net, yeah.

And you hit it over.

So it's like tennis, but in a smaller enclosure.

It's like table tennis if you were on the table, but it wasn't tennis and you had wood and there was a pickle ball.

Table tennis, if you're on the table, it's just tennis, isn't it?

As soon as you said it's like a cross between table tennis and tennis, it's like one of those is what the other one is based on.

In a smaller way.

It's like a cross between football and table football, isn't it?

It is weird to say that.

It's like the cross between a cousin and a nephew, but aren't they sort of similar?

No, not like that.

No, it's not like that at all.

Cousins and nephews are different relations.

For my starter, I'll probably have a fatouche salad.

Or a majadara.

Oh, what?

Magadara?

What's that?

This is something else.

I was eating a lot of Middle Eastern food for a while.

Yeah.

And that was a favorite of mine.

It's lentils

and

caramelized onion.

And that's really nice.

So that I love the Fatouche salad that's really fresh.

You know, and you can just...

Sorry, can I?

Are you picking your starter again?

I think it's the side dish.

Oh, whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

So they are similar dishes in a way.

Yeah.

Sides.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Sides.

Fresh fatouche salads.

Yeah.

That is delicious.

It's good stuff.

I don't think I've had a fatouche salad.

Really?

I don't think I have.

I bet you have.

What is lentils and caramelized ladies?

No, no, no, no.

That's the other thing.

That's a mojadara.

That's a mojadara.

Okay.

What's a fatouche?

I've only just learned what pickleball is.

What's a fatouche salad?

Do you want to go ingredient for ingredient with the fatouche?

Oh, this is fun.

This is like watching pickleball, but with words.

James, it's.

You'll be the death of me.

We're starting

with fried, like pitter bread, and it's fried.

Ooh.

And it's sliced up finely.

Yes.

I like the sound of this salad so far.

Tomato.

Cucumber.

Okay.

It's a Sam Campbell favourite, so it must feature our old friend, Red Onion.

Ooh.

How have you been?

What's another one?

You keep carry on, carry on.

It's like, no, he can't carry on.

It's not swing ball.

He's not going to be

put me under the microscope and who snamed food.

How have you been?

Carry on.

Some, the cheese that's involved.

No, I don't think there's cheese involved.

This salad sounds very boring.

Shout anything out.

Tomatoes, cucumbers, red onions, and pitterbread.

Parsley, I think, is a big player in it.

You only like things that have like 400 ingredients.

Some things have only three.

Olive oil.

Lemon juice, probably quite a lot of lemon juice.

Anthony baby, what do you got on Fatouche?

You say Anthony Baby.

He's left.

He came here to shout out Jean Impression.

He owns the place.

Sorry, Sam.

Stop snogging Chloe for two seconds, mate.

Sam wanted you to help him and give him an ingredient from Fatouche salad.

Yeah, when you finish passing, chuck is an ingredient for a fatouche.

Salt and pepper, was that?

Salt and pepper's a good shout.

Olive Yeah, doesn't that?

Olive oil!

I've said that.

I've said that ten minutes ago, I reckon.

Jimmy, baby, James, olive oil.

Olive oil.

It's a delicious choice, anyway.

Still no clear on what anything

is.

But it's lovely to watch you realise what it's like to have a conversation with you.

And you know the sad thing?

Backstage, they don't talk, they're just on the phones.

It's sad, it's really sad.

That sounds like a nice salad sound.

What was the other thing you said?

Oh, Magadara.

Magadara.

That I've only had once, but it was.

And you know, a businessman paid for it?

No.

Someone who was quite influential in the community paid for it.

This place, I think it's called Alice Eel in Sydney.

And I was living, I had this like, I was, I wanted to live out in the bush, I was so just sick of it all.

I was like, pretty, yeah, pretty far out west for a while there, living in Lakemba.

And I was at this, it's like a pretty good restaurant, Alice Eel.

And then this guy who's like quite a famous businessman, who's maybe a little bit like, okay, his family owns a lot of stuff.

He's sort of involved in the entertainment world as well.

So

he paid for my meal.

You know what I mean?

I went to bed.

I saw him.

I was like, hey, yeah.

Do you think there were strings attached?

Well, you know, you know, I had to leave the country for a reason.

No, no,

no, no string.

I think it was just they people like to give favours and stuff like that.

And this guy, I've heard a rumor, whatever, you know,

I heard one time he just walked in, he walked into a shop and just bought a jacket like it was nothing and just like it was cold.

And he goes, hold on, and just bought the jacket, like without even thinking about it, just went and did that.

oh so you heard a rumor that

in just the most just like in the most like relaxed just like oh yeah yeah sorry get this and it's like oh yeah no we know what you mean so

this guy is either uh me or Ed

or anyone yeah

But you would think about it, you're like, oh, should I buy a jacket either?

I would just buy it.

You just buy jackets?

Yeah.

James, that's how James buys clothes.

So I'd say over the last month, maybe three times, James has arrived at the off-menu studio and smelt himself and gone, God, I stink.

And then when we had a break, just gone to Ted Baker in the station around the corner and just bought a new top.

That's how he buys clothes.

He stinks in the old ones and then just buys whatever's available in Ted Baker.

Yeah, most time I'm buying new tops, I stink.

And I walk in there stinking and I'll say, you got anything in the medium?

And they go, yep.

And then I just go, yep, you give me that.

And then I go back, and the next podcast episode, I'm wearing a different top, which is brand new, still got the tags on it.

But isn't that incredible?

Because James is actually a really stylish man and he looks really good at everything he buys, and it looks like a curated wardrobe.

But it's simply whatever they have in the medium because the other thing stinks.

And what happens to some of this, you know, stinky stuff that you're getting rid of?

Wash it, give it to a charity shop, someone else's problem.

And, you know, a lot of my fans, I think, are the kind of people like they shop at charity shops, they find you know some charity chic.

So,

it tickles me to think that a James Ake has to stand to be walking around in my sweaty t-shirt.

Not even knowing that.

I don't know if I'll get this one, it absolutely reeks.

But wait,

yeah,

do you think you have a unique stink, Sam?

It was in my scent.

Yeah, what do you have a natural scent that is unique to you?

I do.

I mean, you know, I live in a corporate new build these days.

Yes.

And it has a treadmill.

I've been trying to run, I'm working my way, I'm trying to run 10 kilometers every day.

That's pretty good, man.

And after that, I do, and I often get lost in my building.

Like, I haven't really figured it out yet.

Hang on.

I'll walk around.

Are you running on the treadmill or around the building for 10k?

It's just a complicated building.

I think they like

it's only at 30% capacity and it's getting...

There's all, there's some weird stuff going on where I live.

Like what sort of weird stuff?

There's no lights in the gym, so I run in complete darkness.

Are you supposed to be living in this building?

Because to me, it sounds like you've moved into like

a show property.

You know, when they build the flats, first of all, and they make, they deck some of them out with like furniture to show you what it would be like if you bought them, but it'll say opening in 2026.

Have you just moved in?

This explains why a lot of my flatmates are, you know, cut out people.

No, it's real it's the real deal it's the real deal yeah it's at 30% capacity yeah have you met everyone else who lives there I've met a few and it's pet friendly

I don't have a pet but I'm gonna there's they're having soon the meet the pets event and I'm gonna you know they can't they can't stop me from going to that

yeah but yeah after I run I do I do you stink yeah yeah yeah you stink or do you yeah I stink sometimes yeah it's the meet the pets event in a room that has lights or is it in complete darkness again and you have to feel the pet and guess which pet it is?

That's got him, isn't it?

Man, that is so messed up.

Imagine going to a fully in darkness meet the pet event.

Your mind.

If you went to a fully in darkness meet the pet event, what would be your favourite...

Feel.

that would be your favorite animal to meet would it in the dark to be

to touch to touch in the dark would be an eel

oh

i mean

this is i would worry the lights would come up and no one's got an eel

And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But make this the whole show.

It's darkness.

It's pets in the darkness.

This is nice.

yeah yeah do you think you could identify different people's like what what animals they were in the dark if you touched them

i think most of them i'd go okay yeah yeah yeah i would i'd struggle with some of the breeds yeah sure yeah yeah like we think jack russell but you know let's see

and then here's the here's the twist of the meeting pets in the dark event in your building So all the pets are at one side of the room and you go and feel them and the owners are at the other side of the room and you have to feel them and then match match them up with everything.

Think you could do that?

What would be your technique of the way you'd figure out?

Sorry, I've just seen two people leave.

It was me who did it, Sam.

That's not on you, buddy.

I imagine that's the point.

Where are you going?

We're gonna get, we need to grab the cockatiel.

Wow.

So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then matching.

I don't know if I'd be good at matching the owner and the pet.

But what would be, I mean, you know, you're doing well on Taskmaster right now.

You've won a few

of those.

So, like, if that's the task, how are you?

Am I allowed to speak to the pet?

Yeah, that's the one you'd want to speak to, I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can speak to one of them and you've chosen the pet, yeah?

That is, yeah, that's one of the rules: is that

you can either speak to the pet or the owner, but you can't speak to both of them.

I think I know.

Hold on, can I change my answer?

I will talk to the owner.

Your dream drink, Sam Campbell.

Oh.

Well, I'm going to go with portino.

Portino?

I.

Just so badly wanted it to be something that I knew what it was.

Yeah.

But why break the habit of a lifetime?

What is it?

What's portino?

I don't know.

So it's like a...

Do you know what it is, Sam?

To me, it's a really luxury soft drink.

Women's, women's, women's.

Women, women's, women's, a gamble, women's.

It's this amazing.

What are you saying?

In North Queensland, where I'm from.

What were you saying a minute ago?

What was that?

What was all that?

What was Widders?

Just connecting with other people.

Did you say Widders?

Wimmers.

Wimmers?

Wimmers.

W-I-M-M.

Double-M-E-E-R-S.

Wimmers.

What's Wimmers?

What's Wimmers?

Well,

that's the company that's making these amazing drinks.

Okay.

Wimmers makes the soft drink.

Wimmers.

So to me, the top three flavours of Wimmers,

I'd say portino.

I'd say there's one, double sarsaparella.

Double sarsaparilla.

Do you have that here?

Double?

Not a double.

We don't really even have sarsaparilla, but like, I know what you mean.

I know those drinks.

Yeah.

I don't know what sarsaparilla is, really.

No, we've never really been clear on it.

People talked about it on the podcast before.

We've never really known what sarsaparilla is.

I only know it from The Simpsons.

Yeah.

From the saloon scene in The Simpsons.

Yeah.

And grandpa drinks drinks it.

Do you know what sarsaparilla is, Sam?

Yeah.

What is it?

How do they make it?

What's it?

Oh, I couldn't do it.

Molasses?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

What's it taste like?

I don't know.

It does taste like sort of licoricey, I think.

Okay.

Yeah.

Licoricey and sweet.

Yeah.

Okay.

And what's your number three on the top three, even though we still don't know what portino is?

What's the third one?

Number three is one called Crave, and I couldn't tell you what that is, but it's blue.

It's just called Crave.

Yeah.

Crave.

It's called Crave, but it's your number three, right?

Yeah, of winners, yeah.

I got back into women's soft drinks kind of recently.

I was back in Queensland for a little bit.

I think it is the most popular soft drink, like the biggest selling.

Where?

In Australia?

Not in Australia.

Like most places in Australia don't even have it.

This is like even, there's even places in Queensland that don't have it.

But if you're in Nambo or Parigian or Noosa you will get this.

Okay.

What are any of those places?

Where are they?

This is like North Queensland.

North Queensland.

Yeah you've been to Queensland surely.

Yeah but I haven't been to those places that that's all but like I think I've I saw the last one on a sign once but like I've not been there.

So women's soft drinks are the most popular soft drinks in those three places?

I reckon they might be, yeah.

They beat Coke as well.

They're more popular than Coca-Cola.

Yeah, it's like in Scotland how Iron Brew ours sells Coke, which is just like amazing.

So what's portino?

This is your big favourite.

Yeah, this is like, I just remember the first...

Wow.

If I could take you to Monropo.

So I...

Yeah, so I...

You can tell me about it.

It's just doing some admin.

Okay, so I was friends with his kid called Joseph O'Hare.

Our families are friends.

He's got a pigeon chest.

Shuts out.

His rib cage, like that, which he's had fixed.

Congrats to Joseph O'Hare.

I never knew it was a thing that he even cared about, but you know, whatever, yeah.

Yeah.

And so we used to muck around Monropo.

That's where the turtles lay their eggs.

The ham and the turtles.

The O'Hare and the Turtle story.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

So this is where turtles go up to lay their eggs, and also the eggs hatch, and that was the best, because if they went off course, you got to actually pick up a a baby turtle and put it into the ocean.

Amazing.

But yeah, the thing is, because we got you to tell the hare and the tortoise earlier, I feel like you're Kaiser Soze in us right now with a story that you're just piecing together from stuff we talked about earlier.

So, your friend Jimmy O'Hare, who used to live near the turtles,

it just feels a little bit suspicious.

Carry on.

Well, you know, this is my life.

It's just my reality.

But yeah, we used to love just, do you know how we just love drinking portino and like making up our own card?

Benito,

I don't have enough reception to find out what portino is.

Will you Google it and put it on the screen for us?

Thank you.

So you and Jimmy O'Hare, Jimmy O'Hare would live near

Joseph O'Hare.

Lived near where the turtles came and laid their eggs.

And you and...

and Joseph O'Hare would go and look at the turtles.

Yeah, yeah.

And you would drink a lot of portino while you were doing that.

Yeah.

Great.

What is portino?

Well, I just remember, so we were huge into playing like um cricket, but with not with just with the lid of the bin, you know what I mean.

That's what we do.

And I remember this guy coming up to us, and he said, You, I don't, we don't even know this guy, but he goes, You guys could have fun in a plastic bag.

Um,

It's grape and berry flavoured.

Scrape and berry.

Yeah.

Sounds nice.

It's carbonated?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

Not an alcohol boy?

No alcohol for you?

In my life, ever?

In your life?

Not so much.

I'm not a huge...

Are you guys big drinkers?

Do you get crazy with that stuff?

We like alcohol.

Yeah.

We're not big drinkers.

I mean, on occasion, sure.

But yeah, we like it.

But we like soft drinks as well a lot.

My agent listens to the podcast and is

completely blown away by how many soft drinks Ed and I keep shouting out and how men in their late 30s seem to be able to shout out so many different types of fizzy pop they love.

The drink that gets me most excited, and I talked about it earlier, is Pepsi Max Cherry Flavor.

If I'm driving back from somewhere from a gig late at night, I go in and my special treat is getting a PepsiMax with cherry and I skip to the car.

I'm so excited.

I'm over the moon.

But also I do have alcohol, yeah, I've got a problem, yeah.

I mean, we'll probably all have a beer after this to unwind.

Ed Gambo.

If it were a beer with you, I imagine you would take the fork out, replace it with a bottle opener, and then we'd be there

all night.

You wanted a beer, right, Gamble?

You're smashing on the...

I'll line up another one if it's okay.

You know, me and Joseph O'Hare used to drink these.

And do you like aloe vera juice?

Sure.

I don't think I've ever had aloe vera juice yet.

That's where you'd have it Zan Impressions.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Do you have it there when you go to the business?

I think it's the most, it feels like it's the most refreshing drink, drink, but it's secretly not that refreshing.

Right.

It doesn't, to me, aloe vera, I always connect with like shampoo because there was a big thing of it being in shampoo in the like 90s and early noughties.

Every shampoo advert would be like aloe vera.

So I don't think I could pop it in a drink really.

I'd just be thinking of henna, you know.

Yes, same.

Yeah.

You've been conditioned.

Yeah, I've

some washing up liquids and stuff stuff as well.

Yeah.

And like

washing detergents.

Like aloe vera that kind of gets into all that stuff.

That's mainly cleaning ornament when you want to drink.

That's sad.

I have the same thing with gingerbread.

What do you mean?

Why does I do anything you know?

I spend so much time throwing it at trains.

Yes, I forgot that about you.

Talking of gingerbread,

your dream dessert, Sam Campbell.

Right.

It's so hard to do.

People ever they say two, and then you help the person choose results.

Yeah, we can do that.

If you've got two, you can go on your hand.

Yeah, yeah, give me a hand.

Okay, so for me, it's a toss-up between the sponge roll or the pipelines.

No, no, no, listen, it is.

I've never seen you like this, James.

Well, because we haven't done a live episode, like we've had

eccentric guests on the podcast in the studio, and I know what my role is in those ones.

I'm like, okay, we don't want, I can't go full genie weirdo on this one.

We've got to keep a balanced podcast going.

Let them run.

Sam, I'm loving this here.

but I'm very torn because also I'm in front of an audience

who have seen me in the first half,

and now I'm suddenly this other guy who's going, Well, I guess this has to happen now

because I can't be saying that shit from earlier with this because this would be like a fever dream for everybody.

Also, I wasn't sure what Sam said then.

I think it was sponge roll, or do you say the Pikelets?

Just Pikelets.

Pikelets.

Pikelets, yes.

Are you...

What's your issue now, James?

Well, I think I know what Pikelets is.

I think that...

Actually, I think I know what Pikelets is.

I think that Carl Pilkinton likes Pikelets.

Are you sure?

And I think I've listened to an old XFM radio show clip of Carl Pilkinton.

Yeah.

Saying he likes Pikelets and getting bullied for liking Pikelets.

Are you sure you've just not confused his surname because it sounds a bit like piclets?

I don't know anymore, Ed.

So, pikelets, as in thin crumpets, right?

They're actually, I think, quite thick.

So, the difference, I think, star with a pancake in your mind.

Well, this is good, actually.

Yeah, so that's it.

Is this like a guided meditation?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ed, picture a pancake.

You don't have anything to worry about.

You're all right.

Hold on, what's that?

A pancake?

Far out.

Hey, that looks alright.

What were you going to do?

Ah, put it off.

We're looking at this.

You've got this pancake, shrink it down,

make it not for breakfast but for lunch and for lunch.

Make it thicker.

And I had it in my lunchbox.

My mum would get that in my lunchbox at school, and it was sort of admired.

That meditation meditation ended quickly.

And breathe.

So thicker than a pancake.

Yeah.

But I thought they were thin crumpets.

Ooh, I think a piclet, maybe I'm like, yeah, wrong, but I picture it, it's like very pancake-like, maybe a bit thicker just in every way.

And sweet.

And maybe more flour, I think, really.

And they taste sweet.

Yeah, sort of, yeah.

And would you have anything on the pikelets?

Just butter.

Butter.

Yeah.

Butter on pikelets.

You seem sad, James.

What's up with with you?

Doesn't sound like a dessert.

Doesn't sound like a good dessert.

Just to have something that's kind of sweet, kind of a pancake but not with some butter on it.

Would they be in your lunch box as a dessert item, or would they be the main bit of the meal?

No, no, they would something something for afterwards.

Something for afterwards.

What would your mum put in your lunch box to eat before the piclets?

Oh, I would have bananas, I'd have chicken kribby shapes.

Hang on.

I didn't hear it properly.

I think you said chicken crimpy shakes or something.

Is anyone Australian chicken crimpy shapes?

That is going to...

I mean, that does, yeah.

Chicken crimpy shakes.

Chicken crimpy is a type of shape.

So the shape.

Okay, so shapes.

Shapes is a family of biscuits, of savoury crackers.

Okay, I'm completely lost here.

Shapes are a family of crackers.

So shapes is the name of this whole operation, shapes.

Yeah.

Shapes of the company.

I was thinking, I thought you were about to explain to me what shapes are.

Yeah.

I don't think anyone could do that.

Here we go.

English pikelets are a cross between a drop scon, scotch pancake and a crumpet.

So that's what I was imagining.

Okay, yeah, I can kind of imagine that.

To me, crumpet, what is a crumpet?

That's got many holes in it, hey?

Yes.

Yeah,

I used to.

So I got into crumpets because of my friend Jackie O'Hara.

And we used to, he used to live near a dolphin sanctuary.

And we would, we would go and we would like throw marbles in, and then dolphins would balance them on their nose.

And a guy came up to us once and he said, You guys sure are crazy marble legends.

What's that got to do with anything?

He's on drugs.

He's smacked out.

He's on drugs.

I apologise, Sam.

I apologise.

Sorry, Sam.

So it's either the pikelets or sponge roll.

Yeah, which I think here is called a Swiss roll.

Swiss roll.

Do you know this one, the jam line?

Yeah.

So it's vanilla sponge?

Yeah.

And you've got jam and cream.

I loved what they're doing with the jam.

Would you have that on birthdays or anything?

Yeah, special occasions.

That special occasions would be the Swiss roll or sponge roll.

We would call it a sponge roll.

Yes.

Yeah.

What special occasions are we talking?

Birthdays, obviously?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

And I know my mum is making them again like crazy.

And just, she is so about quantity.

This woman is all about quantity.

So she's a great artist, I think.

And she has these beautiful watercolours, but she makes thousands.

She's just like a machine.

And then, sponge rolls, everyone in the community tubes and signet in Tasmania, everyone's getting a sponge roll.

That's lovely.

Yeah, so which do you want?

Which are you leaning towards?

The Swiss roll, sorry, sponge roll or the pikelets?

Just based on some of the stuff James has said, probably the Swiss roll.

Yes, are you having custard with that, or is it just on its own?

Maybe ice cream.

Oh, lovely, vanilla, yeah, yeah, some vanilla ice cream.

What other ones are there?

What other flavours are there?

Okay.

I can't deny this guy.

Every time he looks at me.

Yeah, no, I'm aware.

This is like, I mean, look, if you weren't this type of person, our podcast wouldn't work.

You would have looked at me episode one and gone, I'm not fucking responding to that.

So, you know, this is an important part of your personality it's like talking to a kitten I can't

he goes well what other other flavors are there and then just looks at me with these big open eyes like

chocolate

I like chocolate of course yeah

I think vanilla is the best choice to go with the sponge roll yeah yeah isn't it insane you know ice cream can we just talk about like quantity like suddenly you're like do you want this or do you want double the amount of food you were gonna have?

Do you you know what I mean?

It's like the scoop, you're like, another scoop.

It is a big deal.

Okay.

Imagine you're like a steak.

You're like, oh, you want a steak?

What do you want?

Two steaks.

It's like,

I see.

So, in ice cream shops, they offer a scoop or a whole other scoop.

Yeah.

What would you prefer they did?

Fractions.

So, scooping an eighth

of a scoop.

I've seen him have

a gelato burger, sort of thing.

He has seen that.

We got it a few weeks ago.

Well, I got a gelato burger.

What?

It was.

Oh, don't tell me you're going to fucking start doing this now.

It was like a brioche bun.

And you could choose the ice cream that would be...

the burger and an ice cream that would be the burger sauce that was kind of that their ice cream that they're made into.

So I had hazelnut ice cream as the burger.

And this pistachio-like sauce on it with the bun.

And it didn't look like they'd put a lot in it.

But actually it was the perfect amount.

Sam got...

What did you get?

I don't know if I had...

Oh, I had the...

You got something on a stick?

Yeah, like a sort of a...

Didn't I get sort of like an ice cream sandwich?

Sam got...

Yeah, it was like an ice cream sandwich on a stick dipped in chocolate.

Yeah.

had been a bit of a damn thing.

And Sam had that.

It had been dipped.

We walked him out and we ate him and we talked about how lucky we were to be alive.

We're going with a Swiss roll and vanilla ice cream.

Yeah, with a very healthy, you know,

dandruff.

The thing is, I've had such a lovely time,

but I can't help but think, when you go to restaurants, Sam, this is how long the order actually takes.

Sam, I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

I only just learned recently if they have a name tag that says their name, you don't say their name.

Really?

That's fine to do that.

Really?

I think people are like, oh my gosh.

Yeah, I agree with you.

Yeah, yeah, I don't do it.

No, you are right.

It's like douchey businessman move.

Be like, well, Linda, you can get us.

Yeah, yeah, fuck off.

We shouldn't even have names.

You would like sparkling water.

You want pop-a-doms, doms and you don't want them to be conservative with the yogurts.

Plus lime pickle, mango chutney raw onion.

Starter, pepper crunch sandwich from Crunch and Co in Brighton.

Main course, biang biang noodles from

Jan Impression.

Yeah.

Near the Emirate Stadium.

Side dish, fatouche salad with uh Mujadara from Al Aciel in Sydney.

Drink.

Wimmers.

Fuck, I've forgotten oh Wimmers.

I feel like we barely touched on Portino.

Yeah, we barely heard anything about Portino.

You're right.

Yeah, you're right.

We didn't really get to delve into Portino because there was quite a lot of time spent learning what Wimmers was

and hearing quite a bit about Joseph O'Hare.

And dessert, your mum's sponge roll with vanilla ice cream.

That is the menu of Sam Cap.

Feel

Sam, thank you so much for coming on the Off Movie podcast.

Fantastic.

Give it up once more for Sam Campbell.

Thank you so much, everyone.

Thank you, Nottingham.

Well, there we are.

What a.

I mean, that episode was mad, but I loved it.

Absolute madness.

We did love it.

And Sam is on tour now with Wobservations.

You can go to SamCampbellTour.com.

Also, listen to Sam's podcast with Lucy Beaumont, which is called Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains, wherever you listen to your podcasts.

They obviously did...

Taskmaster together.

Yeah, and Lucy's in an upcoming live episode of this.

Yeah.

I cannot imagine what that podcast is going to be like.

You know, I believe it's being produced by the same people who produce our podcast.

More power to Benito.

Yeah, I'll tell you this: it'll be produced very professionally.

I can't wait.

Bye.

Bye.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.