Ep 224: CMAT

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the white bread of conversation, spreading on the butter of humor, slicing the cheese of the internet, and adding a healthy dose of the pickle of friendship, James.

That sounds like a cheese and pickle sandwich to me.

Cheese and pickle podcast.

That is a gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week our guest is

C-Mat.

C-Mat, a brilliant musician.

She's got a brilliant album called Crazy Mad for me.

Don't forget the comrade.

And Crazy Mad is one word.

Crazy Mad.

Crazy Mad.

For me.

Very good thank you very much she is touring later this year as well james yes very exciting that the album's great you should check it out if you haven't heard it absolutely go and get tickets to the tour as well yes and i am reliably informed that she is a foodie james she yeah knows her stuff yes which is that's very important for the tour in life of course so hopefully that will serve her well on the road we'll hear all about that i mean I hope that we get some dishes from around the world, maybe, if it's a touring musician.

She's traveling around.

But we are big fans of C-MAT, sure.

So So are all of our girlfriends.

And so are all of our girlfriends.

This is for you.

This is for you.

Are we dedicating this to our girlfriends, are we?

Yeah, your wife, Benito's several partner,

and my girlfriend.

What a complicated...

Just the women in our lives.

This is for you.

We couldn't do this without you.

We love you.

You changed our lives.

I can't wait for you to win an Oscar.

Yeah.

Would you do that in your Oscar speech?

I would do that.

Yeah, I'd do that in my Oscar speech.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd say for all of our partners yes yeah yeah for Ed Gamble's wife we're gonna do what we do without you the great Benito Symbol partner yeah yeah and my girlfriend I couldn't do what I did without you yeah yeah yeah I love you changed my life

if CMAT says a secret ingredient that we have pre-agreed upon then she will be kicked out of the dream restaurant and look often it's an ingredient we think is disgusting but sometimes it relates directly to the guests work and it's one of those today because the secret ingredient is kfc

kfc i didn't know you were going to do that like that i didn't know you were going to go k f c because no one says it like that what everyone says it like that do you yeah so is that in ketman is it yeah kettering fried chicken k f c

because the football club are called ketman town fc yeah k t f c yeah so if you say kfc too fast people think you go they mishear it yeah think you're going to the football so we have to spell it out k f c well

C-MAT has a song called Another Day, Brackets KFC.

Yeah.

I've been to a KFC with you before, James.

Yep, you filmed me ordering and they told you to start filming.

Yes, they did.

Respect to the people at KFC.

Full respect.

We couldn't do what we do without you.

We love you so much.

We change all that.

This is the off-menu menu of C-MAT.

Welcome, C-MAT, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hi, Hiya.

Welcome C-MAT to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Cool.

Thank you.

Have you?

Have you known who I am for some time?

Since before you were born.

Oh.

Well, James is a genie, so he sort of hovers above all of time and space.

Yeah.

Do you know my mum?

Yeah.

What's her name?

D-Mat.

Yeah.

It shouldn't be D-Mat, though, should it?

It should be B-Matt.

Fuck.

Why?

Why B-Mat?

She's got comes from before C-Mat in the alphabet.

Yeah, it should be B-Mat, really.

And your grandmother is A-Mat.

Yeah.

That's your grandmother.

Yeah.

I don't know your mum.

Do you know your mum?

Yeah, her name is Sinead.

Sinead.

And

what's Sinead into?

She loves running.

She did loads of marathons back in the day, although her ankles are a bit in bits now because of it.

And she really wants me to not run marathons, which is fine because I don't want to do that.

She makes you promise not to run marathons.

Yeah, and she loves, unfortunately, like no, she doesn't love it anymore, but when I was growing up, I mean, if we're going to talk about food, my mother's really not a good cook.

Bless her because she was well into the Weight Watchers things.

So there was a lot of like pre-packaged food, a lot of curly whirly bars put in the freezer and then smashed up into little bits and we weren't allowed to have them.

And it was like a Weight Watchers thing where you'd like break up a bit of the chocolate and then have like a little bit throughout the day so that your sweetness was like satiated, but you were only having like 100 calories.

That kind of thing.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

When you said curly whirly in the freezer and smashed it up, I was like, that sounds quite good.

That sounds good if you have it in one go.

Yeah, yeah.

You're saving it throughout the day.

Like, yeah, stop talking on ice cream.

That's what I thought.

Yeah.

Straight away.

Put it on a Sunday.

No, it's actually sadder than that.

But yeah, I feel like my very intense affinity for food culture and my love of food in general is like a continuing act of like teenage rebellion in a way.

Like I feel like I got really into like weird food really performatively when I was a teenager to be like I'm not like you and then is there any particular bits of items of food that would really stick it to yeah to your ma oh I mean I think she's I don't think it's sticking it to her anymore because she's like a nice person and is like oh that's great that my daughter likes things like she's not she's not a bitch um am I allowed to swear on this

yeah you go for it she's not a fucking bitch I wasn't saying she was a bitch

you calling shine a bitch unbelievable that think shineadam was a seama's been on here for three minutes and we've called her mum a bitch as she is no she's not she's legend but i feel like anything and this is a word that my boyfriend uses all the time unctuous anything unctuous you know butter butter stock salt like anything that's like absolutely laden with fat was like illegal in like Ireland diet culture world of the like 2000s to early 2010s.

So like using butter in general was like, eh, like.

It's nice that butter got two shout outs there in the list.

Yeah, butter and butter.

I can't stress enough the importance of butter.

I mean, you don't need to tell us, but let's, let's talk about butter for a bit.

Yeah, I spend probably an inordinate amount of money on butter in my adult life because I like to get the one that's really pushed.

Have you ever seen that video of that French man who owns a butter factory?

The handmade butter factory?

no but i want to but i like the fact it's referred to as that video of like it's something that everyone knows well

i i it's a bit of a sacred text for me because i've probably watched this video easily 200 times in my life and i put it on when i'm drunk and it's all in french but his name is monsieur bourdier and he owns bourdier butter and every time he talks about butter he starts to cry and he like hand cranks it through a mélexage machine it's like the only one left it's like the only only original one left from like the 1500s.

And he makes his men use it because he's like, if there's no love in the butter, then I don't want it.

And he genuinely cries about three times during this video about how proud he is of the butter that he makes.

So his job is to make this butter.

He's making it all day.

Yeah.

How often does he cry?

How do you cry about something you're doing all day?

I guess it was like he was being filmed and so he was reflecting on his life's work and he was just overwhelmed at how much he loves his life's work because it is just butter.

But it is absolutely absolutely incredible.

And you can only really get it in France because they don't send it overseas because they're like, no, that's going to ruin it.

Like, it's going to ruin the butter.

I think maybe you can get it in some dodgy places.

Like black market, blood.

Black market board, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, black market board, yeah.

But it's all handmade.

It's all little paddles.

And he's like, I could make money.

I don't want money.

I want to be a nice little man who has nice little butter.

And he just goes on and on about it.

Is that a quote?

It's like a translation of the French where he calls himself a nice little man who makes nice little butter.

and then he's intermittently crying during this whole video.

I will send it to you at some point.

I'll find it.

I'm immediately going to find it afterwards.

Have you had this butter before?

No.

I haven't.

I haven't been able to find it.

And I go to Paris semi-frequently because of music.

And every single time I probably dedicate about a half an hour to trying to just like find, I'm like, okay, I have a half an hour between sound check and whatever.

Let me walk around and see if I could probably put more effort in, but I think it has to be as magical as I think it's going to be.

But they do loads of different flavors they do like seaweed so you put seaweed through it and he just like a chili butter he does like loads of flavoured butters and then like salted unsalted wow I think about it all the time yeah yeah now I'm going to yeah yeah yeah I mean also once on the podcast a while ago we had Joe Thomas on and he mentioned a guy called Willie who's did a show called Willie's a Perfect Jock at Christmas and we ended up doing an episode with Willie and Joe in the future.

So you and the little butterman, maybe we'll do do a special in the future if we can track him down.

That would be great crack because he definitely doesn't speak English.

And I think that could add a level of tension to the podcast.

But we'll know when he's talking about butter because he'll start crying.

Yeah, Monsieur Bourdier.

Oh, what a man.

Nice little man.

I love him so much.

Would you say you're crazy mad for butter?

I like that.

What a link.

Linking into the promo.

That's a good link.

I thought it was good.

No, not bad.

It was all right.

Now, but for it to be a good link, what would happen there is you'd very then smoothly move into the actual promo rather than just talking for ages about the link itself.

Because now it's not a link.

Now you're going to have to awkwardly gear shift into talking about the album.

But I thought you would pick up the baton.

The baton.

The baton.

Okay, I'll pick up the baton.

Your new album is called Crazy Mad for Me.

It is called Crazy Mad for Me.

And it's been a bit of a wild ride recently because I was like, oh yeah, I'm going to release an album and then it's just going to plop out.

and then the people who like me will be like oh yeah that's a good album and then I'll just continue on but it seems I think because of a couple of television appearances that I've done recently that there is now like 10 times the amount of people looking at and listening to me and that is a bit uh terrifying and it keeps me awake at night it's weird that sort of thing isn't it because like i think i think we all get that working in like creative industries where you've got people who really like really like your your stuff.

Yeah.

And you're like, great, well, they'll enjoy something I do.

And the aim should be for more people to see it.

But then you're like, oh, no, other people, strangers.

Then it happens that I'm like, fuck.

Yeah.

And it's more casual people who might just end up going, oh, have a little listen to this.

Yeah.

And I think it's an interesting one because like what I do is definitely niche.

Like I find it even funny that I'm on like this podcast doing things that normal people who have normal jobs in media do because I don't really consider myself in that bracket of people, if you know what I mean.

Like, because my music is like weird, but then people seem to be enjoying it, so I don't really know what's going on.

Like, I have songs about like Vince and Company and stuff, do you know what I mean?

And then it's also about me cutting all my hair off when I lived in Manchester and then taping it to the wall because I had a complete mental breakdown.

And it's also country music, but it also sounds like meatloaf.

So it's like, I don't, like, I, I just, I find the whole thing that's been happening recently very puzzling because I didn't think it was gonna happen.

Well, people, you know, I guess a lot of people will have done all those things separately, maybe one of those things and people like country music people like mixed you know loads of massive pop stars are weird and sing about weird things and like now genre is like not even a thing people do mash up stuff now so people are way more open now to yeah to things like that yeah you know it's great yeah it is great it is great but it's it's just in it feels like it's now starting to move out of the niche and i'm like what's

honest

i think the big leap is like when you say like 10 times as many Yeah.

That's not like because I think what we've experienced as comedians is like by increments each time.

Tiny increments.

So we've never had a, I've never had it.

I've never experienced what you're talking about where suddenly it's like bam, like 10 times as many people.

And that is like mad.

What's weird is that's happened in like the last two to three weeks, right?

Like I also had that incremental bill.

Like I've been working for years with nothing happening.

And then first single I see Matt like had like a little bit of a like, you know, I probably had 3,000 followers or something like that and everyone was enjoying it was having a great time But like two weeks ago we were on the Graham Norton show and it's literally been non-stop since then and that's been Crazy because I just like hang out in my house and do things and then my mom would be like this person was talking about you and this person was talking about you and this person was talking about you and I'm like great

That's when that's when you know things have got bigger if you're your mom knows people who are talking about you.

Oh, yeah.

The re the way that I know that I've truly i'm on the road to making it is that my local pub brady's in dunboy and shout out brady's in dunboyne absolute best pint of guinness in probably the world 100 million percent dunboyne county meat they have all these like cabinets in the pub it's like a long pub they've all these cabinets in the pub and like framed photographs on the wall and it's all just like do you know gaa it's like irish football oh it's like gaelic football irish football so there's like ga teams hurling teams another irish sport there's like a rugby player called trevor brennan who has his own cabinet because he's won loads of trophies playing for Ireland, but he's not even from Dun Moines, so I don't even really know how he got there.

But all these things, and now there is me.

Got your own cabinet.

I don't have my own cabinet, but I'm working towards it.

I've been considering because I have a lot of trophies and stuff, right?

Because I've got two number one album trophies now, and I've got a choice music prize.

And I'm kind of just like, if I just give them all to Brady's and Dun Moines, will they give me a cabinet?

Will they kick out Trevor Brennan and give him my own cabinet?

Because that, for me, is the mark of success.

Kicking out the Brennan.

Yeah, kicking out the rugby players and the gal ladies team get out of there 1996 no one remembers you leave that's my that's my plan what do you think you'd have to get for them in order because i mean what you've already listed is enough but it should be enough but maybe if i got like an ivor novello or something nice some songwriting awards or something yeah i don't know who knows i don't feel like that's going to sway them to be honest no i don't think the ivor novello is what's going to put you over the edge at the at the pub i think it might be when you play on the graham norton show you get a tote bag that says the Graeme Norton show on it.

That's more likely

if I give them that,

yeah, and then put stuff inside of it.

Yeah,

and you've cut, you've come on here and said it's the best pint of Guinness in the world.

That's yeah, it genuinely, and I don't know if that's because of obviously nostalgia and where it is, and we're talking, but I've never had a better pint of Guinness in my life, and I've drank a significant amount of Guinness in my life.

I've never had a better pint than in Brady's.

Is that where you had your first pint of Guinness was in Brady's?

No, I don't think so.

I would have had it in Whelands in the music pub in Dublin.

Yeah.

Definitely would have had my first pint in Whelands and not enjoyed it that much.

But Guinness is an acquired taste.

So when you first drink Guinness, you're like, this is disgusting.

Why do families get ruined by it?

And then, sorry, I don't know why that's the one thing that came to my mind.

Why our entire empire is built on this horrible black liquid?

And then it takes you.

Well, I mean, my first pint in Guinness would have been in a terrible pub in London.

Yeah.

And I was still like, hey, this is nice.

So

imagine what I'm going to be like if I go to Brady's.

Have you ever had a pint of Guinness in Ireland?

Yes.

Okay, well then you probably have had some approximation of a good pint of Guinness because I was worried that you've only drank it in London.

No, and I've drunk it in nicer places in London as well where everyone says it's better.

But also I've had it in Ireland and it is, you know, it probably is better, but I'm starting to think that's a myth.

It's not a myth.

It's actually the fucking truth.

And I will not sit here and listen to an Englishman tell me that there's no discrepancy between quality of Guinness, country and country, because there is.

But what I was trying to remember, because I was like, I've had a conversation with someone recently who insisted that it's not different.

And who was it?

And I've just remembered it was Ed.

I choose violence sometimes.

And that's

his point of view.

Well, thank you, James.

Along with my friend who insists it's different.

And always, when they say they're going to go to Dublin, they always put on an Irish accent and say, I'm going to have a pint of the black stuff.

Okay.

Well, that I'm not loving.

but thank you for your general irish solidarity

i'll tell you why i started rebelling against this point of view because in england that's something that english wankers say where they're having a pint of guinness and they'll go i'll tell you what it's much better in ireland actually you you've not had guinness unless you've gone to ireland like tossers say that okay i i see that i see that however it is because there's two things that it write one is travel time guinness has to be like fresh it has to like be quite fresh that's why i was just in chicago recently and they've just gotten a guinness brewery i think it's the first one outside of dublin they built it in chicago which is absolutely hilarious to me that they were like it's going to be chicago but also because of the freshness you need to get rid of the keg quite quickly it can't sit there right people very predominantly only drink guinness and beamish and murphy's the three big stouts like it will be the only thing they drink so you can get rid of a keg in a day in a pub in ireland right which means that it's just like staying nice and the tap is running whereas in London, you could have a keg sitting there for a week.

It's just not going to be good.

That's good.

It's just not going to be good.

I think that's actually the bigger point is like, it's not getting run through quick enough.

Also, last point three, Guinness, unbelievable ingredient in food.

Two of the nicest home cooked dishes I've ever made in my life was like a Guinness cake and a Guinness stew.

But the Guinness stew, I'm not going to lie, had at least a half a block of butter in it as well.

Like easily, easily a half a block, maybe close to a full block of of kerry gold which is absolutely lip butter as well but yeah it's an unbelievable ingredient i completely agree i've made guinas jews before i made a guinness chocolate cake on celebrity bake off did you yeah i love it

absolutely love it what else did you make on bake off yeah no i made some gingerbread uh skull biscuits that didn't quite work out they're a bit was it tin gingerbread or was it thick gingerbread it was thin but they uh they had to have like little you know when you crush boiled sweets and put them in to make a little window so they had like red boiled sweets at eyes oh yeah but i think i just didn't put them in the oven for long enough.

So they're a bit, they're a bit cookie-ish, which was a shame.

And then we had to do raspberry donuts for the technical, which we all fucked up massively.

That's really hard.

Yeah.

Have you, sorry, I'm going to go off on a tangent now because you said gingerbread and gingerbread is maybe my favourite thing.

Have you ever had, have you ever, have you ever been to Cumbria?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

Are you aware that William Wordsworth's sister invented a patented type of Cumbrian gingerbread that you can still only buy from this one bakery in Cumbria.

I'll tell you what.

In Grasmere.

I've never known.

I wasn't in my cupboard at home.

Isn't it unreal?

It's good stuff.

I ordered two boxes of it for, because we just did a week of rehearsals because we're going on tour next in like a couple of days.

I ordered two boxes of it to satiate the crew and the band.

And just every so often when someone looked like they were going to kill each other, I would just like force feed them some Grasmere gingerbread.

They were like, that's so delicious.

I was like, yeah, I know it is.

Distraction tactic.

But also the nicest shit I've ever had in my life.

I did not, I did not know this.

It's really good.

It's really really good.

Do you know as well she sells she's dead.

It's Sarah Nelson.

She's long gone because it is

may she rest in peace.

They sell because it's covered in this like crumbly breadcrumb, gingerbread breadcrumb thing.

They sell big bags of just those crumbs for three pounds so you can make it in like a cheesecake.

Wow.

Do you know like you can make a cheesecake with that or you can sprinkle on top of other things or just unreal.

It's only three pounds.

Straight in the mouth, right?

I was going to say

No one's made an eating cheesecake with that.

No, I would be shoveling straight into my mouth.

Yeah.

Do you know?

It's great stuff.

This is just about crumbs.

You'll love this story, so I'm not sure I've told it on the podcast before.

I don't remember a crumb story.

My wife told me the other day that when she was a little kid at nursery and primary school, that if it was someone's birthday, that a cake would get brought in.

And rather than just everyone getting a slice, the teacher would make it into crumbs and then make all the kids sit there with their mouths open like that and then drop the crumbs into their mouth.

And it was called birdie crumbs.

I do love that.

Of course I'll love that.

Yeah.

That is really disturbing.

It's pretty disturbing when you think about it, isn't it?

Yeah.

Was there other adults around?

I don't know.

If all the kids are lined up with their mouths open and then birdie crumbs.

I definitely don't think any teacher would do that now.

Even though it's not technically

out of order.

I think you would still be like, I feel like I'm pushing some sort of boundary here.

It wouldn't be if they've like, you know, gotten, you know, like when you sh when you pull meat and you like shred it with for it.

Right, say they get the cake, they shred it up and then they like get a spoon and spoon it onto individual plates and then the kids do the birdie crumbs themselves.

Well, you're telling me that an adult human

made the children stand in a line

and feed them birdie crumbs.

Yeah, that that that's the bitter spirit.

They may as well chew it and then spit it into their mouths like a fucking bird.

Like, what's going on?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pretty weird.

Yeah, like with starlings.

Starlings do that.

Ace Ventura does that.

Yeah, Ace Ventura does it in the second film.

That film hasn't aged well at all.

No.

It's really bad.

Neither of them have aged well.

Both of them got some

pretty bad.

Jim Carrey hasn't aged well in general.

Like, not physically, but

he looks fabulous.

He looks great.

Jim, you look great.

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We always start with still the sparkling water, CMAT.

Do you have a preference?

Still, I'm not a psychopath.

I want still water with my meal.

Yeah.

I really, really dislike fizzy water.

I will only have it in the context of is there a half of a lemon squeezed in?

Do you know what I mean?

Like if it's lemony and fizzy and there's like a flavor there.

Otherwise, I feel like something bad is happening in my brain when it's in my mouth because it's wrong.

Like you don't expect it to sparkle.

you know?

Even if you see it coming and you know it's sparkling more,

you don't expect it because it's water.

It's supposed to satiate you and it's supposed to run through your body in a normal way that doesn't cause discomfort or stress, but it does when it's fizzy.

So even if you know it's fizzy, they've brought it, they've poured it in the glass, you know it's going to be fizzy, your body still goes, hang on, what the fuck's going on?

Yeah, it goes, it's not right in the, and as well, like the point of water with your meal is to like help digestion.

Fizzy water, it just does, it feels counterintuitive and it doesn't feel neutral it's supposed to be a neutral delicious substance that brings health and vitality and fizzy water is like eating tv static or something it's just it's it's wrong i know a lot of people use that comparison but it's right yeah yeah or white noise

you know not good sorry i've made a lot of noises no it's great we love it as a podcast it's an audio medium yeah the more noises the better is that a noise you know when you're little clown horn you can be jim carry although you did it with two hands there yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah.

That's another noise.

Another horn.

I think the mask does that noise.

Yeah.

Does the mask age well?

I don't know, but Cameron Diaz is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Yeah,

I think that's the best a person has ever looked in a film is Cameron Diaz in that movie.

Walking into the bank.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When she walks to the bank.

Yeah, first appearance.

I love her.

She's married to a good Charlotte.

Do you know that?

She is.

I didn't know she was married to one of the good Charlotte.

She's married to.

It's standing the test of time that they've been together for like 15 years, which is like 17 years.

I think she's married to Benji.

Yeah.

Benji or Joel.

You've stumbled into Ed's area of expertise.

Really?

Well, no, also, I did know that because I've just started watching the new series of Inkmaster and Joel Madden is the new host of Inkmaster.

And is that the Cameron Diaz one?

No, I think that's the other one.

That's the Nicole Ritchie one.

Because the other one is married to Nicole Ritchie.

Yeah, that's the Nicole Ritchie one.

Yeah.

The good Charlotte boys have, you know.

I bet they're charming as hell.

Yeah.

You got to be funny and charming as hell to keep up with the wondrous master that is Cameron Diaz.

But also, they, you know, they're known for believing that girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money.

So they must feel on edge every day.

Yeah, it's one of the few Good Charlotte songs I know.

And they've both married women who are definitely infinitely wealthier than them.

So it just gets to show you what's going on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love them.

I actually love them.

They seem like such good vibes.

Yeah, I went to a CD UK special recording of Good Charlotte.

Whoa.

They only did three songs.

I had to go away with Hammond.

Dealy.

Yeah, Dealy.

Cat Dealy UK.

Right?

Isn't that what that was?

I don't think it...

Did it stand for Cat Dealy UK?

That's going to blow my mind if it was.

Because she was on it now.

She was the host, yeah.

I thought that's why it was called CD UK.

It was Cat Dealy UK.

I thought it was just CD because C D's had music on them.

Yeah, but it was on double meaning.

It works on two levels.

Wow.

There you go.

Love her.

Queen of Ireland.

I wrote a poem for it once, sent it into SM TV.

Hang on, what?

Hang on.

Did you?

Yeah.

James, why have you never told me this?

I thought you knew.

I thought you knew that.

No.

Can you remember any of the poem?

And I need to know.

I remember the whole thing, but I'm not going to recite it.

Recite it.

To embarrass.

Jay.

Recite it.

It's already, you've already told us that you wrote a poem to Cat Dealy.

Was it like, was it like very, was it giving William Wordsworth or was it giving like Andrew Diceman Clay or something?

Dick or

a little bit of a little bit.

A little bit of a crossover, I guess.

I thought it was going to be like a funny poem, but I think it came off.

Was it horny?

Quite horny.

Well, just very earnest.

Like, I was in, yeah, it was, I was in, I was 11.

Wrote the poem, sent it in.

Benito, can we book a camdealy for this podcast, please?

I've met her before.

She's great.

Well, let's not talk about booking of a guest in front of

midway through.

You're just going to have to bring me back when she's here.

Yeah, yeah.

Popadoms or bread.

Pop-doms on bread.

C-Mats, pop-a-doms or bread.

Bread?

Yeah.

Obviously.

I mean, with my meal, pop-a-doms are delicious and I do love them.

But with my meal that I have in my head planned out for today's events, it's got to be bread.

Also, I love bread.

Maybe it might seem obvious, but a lot of my tastes lie in French stuff, like French food, I think is like my general food taste.

And like, oh my God, 90 cent baguette that you just get in any fucking boo lingerie in like any part of northern France.

And it like,

it like cracks, you know, and it goes

like that and then I'll eat a whole thing I'll eat a whole yeah yeah unreal so if you if you went to a belingerie in Paris and you're walking back to your house to it with the bread and it's sticking out the top of the packet do you wait until you get back to the way you are or are you gonna bite the top off on your way back absolutely not I'm going to bite the top off I'm going to do that thing where it's like under my arm, it poking out of a tote bag realistically, right?

Like quite a deep tote bag.

It's coming onto here.

And I'll be walking and maybe I'm using my phone or maybe

like that movement where it's like tucked in, but it's like hands-free access to the baguette.

I think I love that you're on the phone while this is happening as well.

Yeah,

I'm just doing, I'm just doing business.

I'm a bobster, I'm a busy woman.

I'll be like, Yeah, I want all those sheets on my desk by Monday.

You know, the person on the other end is going, see, Matt, did you just buy a baguette?

Yeah, be honest.

Yes, I did.

And I'll do it again.

Are we going with the Monsieur Bourdier butter with or the kerigold?

Oh, I mean, listen, kerrygold is absolutely fabulous and it's tried and tested.

But I think because this is my dream and I haven't had it yet, I'm going with the Bourdier butter.

You've got to go Bourdieu.

I'm actually, I'm going with, right, this is what I imagine, because I know he has lots of different butters.

I'm imagining like a plinth, a plank.

You would have on a plank, wouldn't you?

You know, sorry, that's a...

Have you ever seen that episode of Come Down at Me with the Welsh girl who just uses her hands to toss the chips?

No.

So she's like from Wales and she just was like, for my episode of Come Dine With Me, I'm going to go to TK Max and buy loads of planks, like wooden shopping boards.

So she serves every single dish on a plank.

That's fantastic.

And she keeps like, you went to posh restaurant, you would have it on a plank, wouldn't you?

You would have it on a plank.

Yeah.

Like she just keeps saying the word.

I've not seen that one.

Obviously.

I know all the big hits from Come Dine With Me.

Yeah.

The sad little life.

And the guy with the whisk in his mouth.

I think she's a big hit i think i honestly think she's coming up the rank she's a new addition to the pantheon of come dine with me content but she is definitely she is like stirring the food you know the way you would stir it with like a spoon or a wooden spatula she just has her oven mitt and she's doing it with the oven mitt with the outfit's even worse with the oven mitt on for some reason it's so gross that is worse and then she's just fucking everything onto a plate

she's like deconstructed pavlova and it's just like like loads of smashed up bits of food on a plank.

That's great.

And she gets a bit of sauce and goes like this.

She's like design.

But anyway, so I would have it on a plank.

I would have a little like dollopy selection of different butters, like a butter flight, if you will.

Nice.

I think

like seaweed, chili, salted, unsalted, whatever.

And then I would...

Maybe instead of spreading, because I'm a freak, I would just like rip off a bit of bread and just like smear it.

Do you know what I mean?

And just go in.

I want to taste that butter.

You'd have to try them all separately first maybe and then do the wipe yeah like get a little spoon and eat like this yeah yeah

keep you unlimited we'll keep the planks coming yeah yeah also side note i was recently in a restaurant in new york and it was a jewish japanese fusion restaurant and they had like a hala bread but it was just like a little mini hala bread and it was absolutely gorgeous but they served it with a cinnamon raisin butter wow and it was it was like a sweet and savory experience that absolutely blew my fucking balls off.

It was so good.

Like it was so fucking tasty.

They missed the Japanese fusion on that bit.

Yes.

I don't think there was any Japanese in there.

It was just Jewish, but it was absolutely fabulous.

Great.

It was absolutely fabulous.

To be honest,

I can't remember the name of the restaurant.

It was a good restaurant, but like...

I've heard of the place.

What's it called?

Yeah.

Shalom, yeah.

Shalom, Japan.

It was really, really nice.

But their version of like Jewish and Japanese fusion was like, it's a bowl of ramen, but they've just put a matzo ball in it like everything else about it is just ramen but it just has matzo balls in it yeah yeah i was listening it sounds good it was fucking great yeah would recommend but that that bread and uh raisin and fucking cinnamon whatever that was so good you're going for the french baguette with the plank of butter i think if i'm on my deathbed i'm like give me bread and give me a flight of butter yeah yeah by the crying man yeah yeah yeah so that's yeah that's would you like the crying man serve it to you who's the crying man from your videos what's your buddy oh yeah oh yeah sorry Absolute fucking Louis.

And I want him to eat the entire meal with me and tell me stories about his life because I think he's a very interesting man.

How quickly would him crying all the time get annoying?

I'd actually probably just start crying with him.

I'd go on that journey with him.

I'm quite an empath, you know?

Like, if he's crying about his life's work, I just start crying about my life's work, you know?

Like, wow, I'm so proud of that song.

And then I think he'd start crying about about that as well.

Man, do you want to listen to?

I want to be a cowboy baby.

Weirdly.

I put headphones on him and he'd be like, wow, it is so good.

I love this song.

That's my French accent.

It's good.

It's great.

I liked it.

Good.

Yeah, yeah.

They make that noise a lot.

Yeah, that's how I say yes.

Your dream starter.

Okay.

My dream starter.

Yeah.

And luckily dreams do come true because I think I've had this multiple times this year.

It's basically interchangeable, but it's the same thing.

I've been in two restaurants this year that have served a variation of the same starter which essentially was an artichoke that is lightly battered in flour but also parmesan and then deep fried

lovely and i i've had that in leana stores but only in the summer and then there's a restaurant in brighton where i live at the moment called tuto which does approximately the same thing but it's with broccoli and broccolini so it's like they

it's genuinely unbelievably good it's like they just whack the broccolini around in powder and then somehow make parmesan into a powder and also batter and then they deep fry it and you just eat it as it is wow bit of olive oil a bit of balsamic whatever it's so good i think something that's very important to me in this life is a filthy vegetable do you know what i mean like a vegetable that has been treated horribly and is like all of the health has been removed from it and it is just a delicious treat

and i think that's my Dreamstarter.

That's really, really, really good.

Do you want both of those things on the Dreamstarter?

You can have the artichoke and the broccolini and broccoli as well.

Maybe like a, again, a flight on a plankstar.

I like the planks.

I get a feeling all of this is going to be on planks.

It's all going to be.

You wouldn't have it on a plank, would you?

Would you like the Welshwoman to be preparing your food?

Maybe not preparing my food because I don't

want to look.

No, I actually don't want her touching my food.

I don't want her touching my food, but I would like her to also be at my table with me.

Yeah.

I think she would be a, I think she seems like a really nice person.

How do you think her and Baudier are going to get on?

I think they'd have a great time.

I think the two of them would get, they wouldn't understand a word the other person's saying and they just like have good vibes.

You know, it's not really about communication on a verbal language level.

It's just about like vibes.

General vibes.

General vibes.

And I can kind of sit silently and enjoy my food while being entertained by people I love around me.

I think that's like a good vibe at a restaurant.

I feel like maybe the two of them are quite, you know, polo opposite because like he's very meticulous from what you described about how he makes his butter and if he saw her with her mitts on tossing stuff with her mitts on but there definitely was a passion in the way that she put everything on a plank you know like i think she has a love of food and there is like a heart and a passion there well he loves planks as well right he does so there's the plank yeah he batters the the thing with planks and wood and stuff like the the malak sage machine is like just wooden planks just like slapping the butter over and over again like this it's unbelievable unbelievable so they could chat about planks for a bit yeah yeah they got that or they'd just point at planks and yeah give the thumbs up oh get a pirate involved as well if you join a pirate there yeah

and then I'd walk it you know yeah yeah yeah walk the butter plank and jump into a pool of butter I'd hate to walk the plank would you yeah why

I'd be terrified yeah it's not it would suck man because like if you get thrown off the boat that's bad enough but like if they make you walk the plank the only point of that is to scare you even more.

Yeah, because they could just chuck you off, but for their entertainment, they make you walk the plank, which is

out of order.

Pirates haven't been known to be like

compassionate that much, though.

So it's not shocking that they would make you walk the plane.

But this is them at their worst, in my opinion.

But they did try and make pirates, like, jolly and

cartoons of them and stuff.

And our pirates are a laugh.

Yeah.

They're still making people walk the plank, which is a lot of fun.

They were still doing that.

Even when it was like, yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum and we're jolly pirates.

They were still making people pokewash they were still making people walk the plane if you think of the time period that we're in right realistically pirates that shit is kicking off about the 1500s the time of like magellan right yeah what else was going on at the time well i'll tell you one thing the english were invading ireland that was pretty bad they were doing terrible things there but also just in general if you were like

a lowly orphan coughing and you were like please sir i've got no money can i steal a loaf of bread for my family and then they catch him this little orphan, stealing a loaf of bread.

They might make him sit on the Spanish donkey or something.

Do you know all that medieval torture stuff that goes on at that time?

I didn't know about that.

It's like a sharp triangular thing that they make people sit on naked and tight ankle weights and then they just slowly split in half.

What?

Yeah.

What is it called a Spanish donkey?

I don't remember.

Yeah, they put a little orphan boy on that.

Or they stretch them out until they snap in half as well.

There's that one.

Yeah.

Like, there's loads of terrible.

Honestly, walking the plank is humane by the standards of like the stuff they were doing to put

it I wasn't saying like it would be the worst thing in the world keel hauling as well

I don't want to be split in half on a pyramid either I think that maybe the people of the sea though people of the sea might be a bit more they might have like a bit more heart than people of the land you know so i just don't want you to i don't want you to have a bad impression of like pirates and sea people in general from the plank because i think in the context of what was going on at the time you would have had a much worse time committing a crime or getting out of favor with people on land hanged drawn and quartered they did that as well yeah they did that stuff but then the pilots aren't even doing it if i've committed a crime really they just they are like the cut of my jib and they make me walk the plank if they don't if someone doesn't like to cut your jib that's a crime you know and you're stuck in the literally a boat term as well so yeah yeah yeah is it it's a sailing term yeah is it i just sit on the end of the plank and i'd refuse to go any further well they'd walk down and stab you mate that's the point because i i'd then i'd then shake the plank and they'd walk they'd fall off and if they every time they try and walk down and get me drowning must be horrible yeah well keel hauling was something they used to do where they used to tie people to the bottom of the ship and then go along so you'd drown for a bit but then the ship would come up and you'd get some air then you'd go back down again and then you keep basically keep going that's so embarrassing

that's such an embarrassing way to die

like that it's so cringe yeah you get all sliced up by the barnacles on the boat as well

they're not nice guys no no But still,

again, I just have to put my foot down a bit.

Within the context of the time, the people of the sea were better than the people of the land.

Yeah, mainly because it's mainly based on the fact that our lot were invading you.

Yeah, to be honest with you.

That's fair enough.

English people love land.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You love just, oh, see that bit of land.

I'm going to take that.

I can't deny it.

I love walking around.

I love it.

Well, you can't do that either because all the land in England is fucking privatised.

You can't even go for a poxy walk without treks passing.

Do you know about this?

Like there's like no free land.

I read a

pamphlet that's released biannually called Weird Walks and I absolutely love it.

And it's about people who love going on walks around the British Isles.

Listen, I don't love the term, but it is what it is.

And basically, if you are like, oh, I want to go for a walk in the wilderness in England, you're going to be trespassing no matter what you do.

Almost all of the land in England is privatized.

So technically, you're not allowed go and see.

Say you have like an amazing ported element from like the Iron Age and it's in Canterbury somewhere.

You're not actually allowed as a human being technically allowed go see it because it's illegal.

Brigstock Country Park, is that private?

I don't know where that is.

Brigstock?

It's in Northamptonshire.

I went there a lot as a kid.

Is that where you're from?

Yeah.

I don't even know where that is.

Where's that in context of the other places in England?

Where's East Anglia?

20 minutes on the train from Leicester.

So where is Leicester in relation to

East Midlands?

I know the West Midlands because I have a friend from Wolverhampton and he has a song about the West Midlands called the WM.

More East Midlands.

Yeah.

East Midlands.

Okay.

Okay.

Kind of opposite of Wolverhampton.

Okay.

Bring some country parks around there.

Okay.

Is that private?

Very possibly could be.

Very possibly could be.

Look it up.

Your dream main course.

Okay.

So this is just something I had this year that I was going in the Rolodex of my brain and I was like, what are the best meals I've had this year?

And one just kept popping out at me over and over again.

I was like, okay, this is the best meal I've had this year.

The best main dish I had this year was a risotto with poached salmon on top.

Doesn't sound that good, right?

Doesn't sound spectacular.

The risotto was, I believe, boiled in a chorizo stock.

So it was set in a chorizo stock, right?

And it would have been you know classic risotto where you dice carrots onion celery and then you you know toss the everything in a bit of parsley and then you ladle the chorizo stock in chorizo stock right but then when it was done they just fucking stirred in double cream so they just stirred double cream through the risotto right and that's that's the base then dotted around they had like 10 mussels like in the shell like mussels in the shell just like dotted around like real cute like a little flower flower.

They were delicious.

But then the poached salmon on top was unbelievable.

And I don't even know how they did it.

It was just like the most perfect bit of fish I've ever had in my life.

So they poached it and it was a big, massive bit of it.

But then they clearly fired and marinated the salmon.

So then they fired the skin.

So the skin was this perfect, crispy, like crisp.

It's like, you know, when you get really good pork crackling or something.

Yeah.

It was like that, but it was this fish skin.

And it is absolutely the best main course I've had this year.

It was unbelievably good.

Unbelievably good.

James's stomach has been going fucking crazy over here.

Yeah.

With that description.

Yeah.

It's a great description.

Yeah.

It's really good.

Which is really good for you.

Which year?

I had it in Paris.

I had it in a restaurant called...

You love Paris?

I love Paris.

I love Paris for food.

I love French food because I like vegetables and they grow it all there.

And it's nice.

Do you know what I mean?

You just want to travel so you don't feel guilty about it every time you have a lemon, which I do.

Do you know, because it's come from like South America and I'm like, what?

I'm in Brighton.

How did I I even get here?

Do you think that comes from the Guinness traveling?

Like, you don't like if food and drink travels?

Yeah, I don't like when food and drink travels.

It feels like food colonization or something.

It's like, why do I actually have to have a lemon?

Like, I live in England at the moment.

Like, can I not just live without a lemon?

You know, like, maybe give lemons to people who deserve lemons more.

Do you know?

Unless they grow lemons here.

I don't think they really do grow lemons here, though, do they?

No, you can't.

I don't think the climate's right for lemons.

And yeah, I eat lemons all the time.

That's terrible.

But yeah, that's my dream main dish risotto poached salmon on top that sounds amazing it is unreal it's unreal and that restaurant it's called uh la restaurant 24 or le 24 i don't know la restaurant 24 i don't know what 24 is in french

that was probably also and i know it's not important when you're really treating yourself but is absolutely one of the like best value meals I've ever had like it was like it was like their what to call it when it's just like a set menu but they have a word for it just a set

menu dessert or something

It's like starter, main course, dessert, and it's like you don't get any choice.

It's like, this is what you're getting.

And it was like 30 euro or something.

There's so many amazing, like, bistros like that where you just walk in and like, just give me what you've got.

And it's just incredible.

Yeah, I sat outside and it was sunny.

And I had ran there because I was over the other side of Paris.

So I was like, okay, I was into running at the time.

And then my mother was like, stop running, your ankles, be fucked.

So,

but I was running.

So I ran from one side of Paris to the other.

And life is all about balance.

So I was like, I'm going to go eat a disgusting amount of food right now.

And then that was, I, now, I sound like a posh person when I talk about food, but it is the thing I probably spend the most money on in my life.

I absolutely love food and I love really good food.

I don't think you sound posh.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm being posh with my food choices.

Like, do you not think?

Paris.

Paris comes up a lot.

Paris does come up a lot, but I am over there for work all the time.

It sounds like you like good stuff.

Yeah.

Also, I travel a lot, right?

And I don't get to make my own food most of the time because I'm constantly, constantly on tour.

So I have to have someone make me a meal that is actually nice and not terrible and full of grease or I will, my whole day will be ruined.

Like if I eat a meal and I've spent money on it and it's just like a crap Nando's, I will genuinely be upset for the rest of the day and it will affect my mood very poorly for the rest of the day.

So I've had to get smart.

And the Michelin Guide app, do you use the Michelin Guide app?

No.

It is.

It has changed my life forever.

That is maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but I actually don't think it is because it is so good.

You basically, wherever city you're in, you go on the Michigan guide app, you set the setting to like, they have like these little Euro signs.

It's like one Euro, then two Euro signs, and three Euro signs.

You basically only want to go to the one or the two.

You don't, you want to do the first two brackets because everything after that gets a bit nuts, you know, crazy food people.

I love that.

I, I think it's worth, but, you know, if you're writing about day to day, you don't want to be.

You don't want a 12 course tasting menu that costs 800 quid.

No, you don't.

You don't.

So that's how I find loads of my restaurants.

And that was how I found it.

I was like, stopped running.

I was like, okay, let me see what's open and it was like five minutes away from opening that place and I was like cool I'll just walk over there and I had literally the nicest fucking meal

because it's not just people it's not just places with Mitchell and starters

that are on the guide and Bib Gourmand

Dream side dish.

So side dish.

Much like in the with the starter i i have a general shape of the side dish but i haven't locked in like the exact one but i kind of know what it is i love butter beans okay right and butter beans boiled in like a delicious stock with like vegetables throughout as a side dish is like my favorite one i can think of two examples one is that like one day i walked into my friend's mom's house in york florencia shout out flarencia clifford

of partisan um and I forget the name of her new restaurant.

I'm not going to lie.

She'll probably fucking kill me for that.

But, you know, the two places that Florencia looks after in New York are unbelievable.

But she was just making like a home cooked meal that day.

And I walked in and she was like, are you hungry?

And I was like, yeah.

She's like, here, just have this.

It's just like sitting on the stove.

And it was like a butter bean stew with like, I think, again, a chorizo stock.

but like a bit of fish stock in it as well and then like loads of veg and like spinach throughout and then you just have it with a bit of bread it's unreal unreal and then the other day i was in i'm gonna try and remember the name of this pub off the top of my head it's near stockwell in london i believe it's also like a gastro pub that is like posh vibes the canton arms canton arms i was gonna say that's the one yeah yeah yeah so i had like um it was like mutton i'm pretty sure it was like just a chop of mutton but it had butter beans in like a green kind of so i actually genuinely don't know what it was I think there was like apple in there.

It was like apple and celeriac and then also like some kind of meat stock that it was boiled in and that was like on the side of the mutton chops and it was fucking unreal.

Like the beans were actually arguably nicer than the choppy.

Quite French again.

This is sticking with the theme.

Yeah.

This is the first time we've had butter beans.

Butter beans

on the podcast.

I used to hate butterbeans, but I think the first time I had like a proper like cassoulet in France, I was like, oh no, this is how you do beans.

Yeah, this is the thing.

You have to make them dirt.

Like you have to make them a bit like, you have to really,

because obviously butterbeans, there's a lot of foods that are unfortunately very wrapped up in like diet culture.

So they're just foods you would never touch in a million years because it's like, you know.

I think beans is a good example.

Like people were always doing like skinny beans and like, you know, it's all good for digesting skinny beans.

Like, you're just like doing it a bit of,

you know, whatever, like doing it in the skinny way.

Like,

or even like, as an example, like the the poached salmon like poached salmon for me is like associated with you also do with a bit of steamed rice and like steamed carrots

and no flavor and no nothing or whatever whatsoever right i think butter beans get that unfair wrap because they're kind of tied up with like 2000s diety culture because people would always like lob them into a salad as like the protein and carb um

but if you absolutely just boil them in like butter and a meatstock and then diced roasted vegetables throughout bit of spinach in there why not there's your health and you just have that it's absolutely outrageous you got your eyes closed for a full minute

i did i did i did i did it's unctuous

and you love butter i love butter i love butter do you think that's what led you to the butter bean maybe maybe maybe this is like a a patriotism thing deep down i say deep down i'm a very patriotic woman because butter is essentially the national dish of Ireland you know what I mean like that is essentially our national dish because it's in everything and there's absolutely fucking loves it because we don't really do spices or nothing and I think that gets a bit of an unfair wrap in Irish cooking I also think the reason I like French cooking is because it's a bit like Irish cooking a little bit but they're just like they got a bit more going on they got a bit more growing over there so they got nicer weather but like the Irish national dish I think is ham and cabbage.

What is the actual niche?

I don't actually know what the Irish national dish is.

It's going to be like ham and cabbage or kolcanon or like stew maybe it's just irish stew yeah like that's got a half block of butter in it if it's a good stew it's got a half a block of butter in there it's unreal i'm glad you mentioned carry gold as well that keeps up our run of every irish guest we've ever had has mentioned

the first not to if he hadn't done it well that's good i'm glad because the the thing is right respectfully and again you know

I love English people individually, right?

Love them individually.

All of them, right?

Not all of them, definitely.

And you know, I don't love every person individually.

Some people are

you know, and I've some of my best friends are English.

And oh dear, here we go.

My boyfriend Willie, bless him, is English.

The Beatroot Love Ambassadors.

Yeah, bless him.

He does fucking love Beatroots as well, you know.

But I still sometimes struggle with the concept of it overall.

Of English people.

Just living here can be a bit difficult sometimes because there is just like a thing in the back of my head.

I'm like,

800 years and where my patriotism really kicks in is in the supermarket because when you go to buy butter the only butter that i can buy in my local supermarket that does not have the union jack emblazoned across it is a kerrygold every single other one in the sainsbury's like has like some design of union jack and i'm just like I can't do it.

Like, I can't have that.

Like, Willie, my boyfriend, has like a Jack Wills hoodie that has like the Union Jack in the like logo of it across the front i'm just like purple all the way across no i just hit it on him it's like in my attic in the back he doesn't know where he's always like where's my hoodie i'm like oh i don't know babe you should just tell him just wear my bomby bicycle club hoodie it's fine where do you think it is willie you fucking

you know how i feel about the fucking new union jacket you bought that hoodie it's so funny and as well like my my old guitar player josh and he's from cavin so he should know better but he was cutting around on tour he got on the tour and i looked at his feet i was like are you wearing a pair of fucking Reeboks, man?

And he was like, Yeah, I am.

And I was like, Give me them.

And I'm quite good at embroidery.

So, you know, the way it has a little tiny union jack on it.

I just did an Irish tricolor over them.

Great.

There's just that, it's just like the little things.

And for me, Kerry Gold is like the only safe space of butter in English.

It's kind of the little thing, but also, I mean, you shouldn't be ashamed of any of this.

It's great.

But, like, I wouldn't say it's the little things because earlier when I said, I wouldn't want to walk the plank, your response was, you invaded Ireland.

It wasn't exactly how the conversation went, but

that was the heart of the matter.

I mean, you didn't.

Well, I benefited from it.

I probably still benefit from it to this day, I'd say.

I'd say I'm still probably still reaping the rewards of those people doing that.

Acaster.

Yeah.

What's that name?

Anglo-Saxon name,

kind of northeast of England.

Yeah.

You benefit from that.

I've never done a family tree thing, but I'm pretty sure I benefit from all the bad stuff in the world.

Gamble.

Irish.

Go on.

Knew he had it in him.

He's sitting there, but you couldn't wait to be asked.

Yeah.

He was sitting there going, get asked me what gamble means.

We actually, we, like Willie, my boyfriend, we fight about one thing.

This is actually disgusting, what I'm just going to say.

We fight about one thing, which is that man.

So when I first met him, right, he didn't eat food because he'd been on tour for about 11 years.

Really didn't?

No, he really didn't eat food.

He wasn't an eater.

He was like a

smoker.

And so didn't eat and was like, I'm a starving musician.

So he didn't eat any food.

And then over the course of being in a relationship relationship with me his appetite has like quadrupled and now he eats probably 10 times more than me because he's quite a tall guy and he's like naturally skinny and i think when those kind of people start eating food they're like oh my god i can't stop because food actually feels good so he eats all the time but now the problem i have is we live together and he wakes up in the middle of the night every almost every single night at two o'clock in the morning three o'clock in the morning and he goes downstairs and he starts eating food and he eats one of two things he either eats a bar of chocolate or he eats a block of compete cheese in its entirety or like half of it at least, right?

This guy's my hero.

And when I'm not home, which is quite often because I'm a businesswoman who does business and eats baguettes,

he will eat this food in bed.

So recently I was on a call, I was on a FaceTime call with like the producer for fucking Graham Norton or something, like a very important phone call.

And I was in bed because there was loads of stuff going on downstairs with the band I think they were like bringing gear in and out and I was in my bed and I found a fucking mouse poo a mouse poo a mouse poo a mouse dropping in my fucking bed where I fucking sleep and I've never had such an argument with someone over something I was like this is because you eat cheese and chocolate in bed every night and then the worst thing was like I started giving out to him over it so he started like trying to hide his tracks so sometimes I'd get into the bed and there would be wrappers like evidence of like wrappers wrappers beneath the pillowcases.

He's not done a great job of hiding a cell.

No, no, he's useless to hiding a colour.

He's throwing the bed probably.

But I know.

And then even if he remembers, I'll know because the sheets will smell a little bit like cop tape.

Oh, my God.

Are you sure Willie's not a massive mouse?

This is with the theory is that he's actually going to, because he does kind of do this with his hands a lot.

He does kind of stand like this sometimes.

Willie, you've got to sort this out, bro.

Willie, come on, man.

Stop eating cheese in the bed and attracting all the mice who love cheese.

No, I did.

And the other day, I was sitting downstairs, and he, I was up late working, and he went to the kitchen to get a cup of tea.

He was like, I could feel him like sneaking back upstairs.

And I looked at him and he had like four biscuits in his mouth.

But he was holding them in his mouth because he thought like the silhouette of holding biscuits would give the game away.

He thought I just wouldn't look at him.

He was literally like,

like, biscuits in his mouth.

And I was like, get them fucking biscuits out of your mouth and eat downstairs like a normal person.

You can't eat biscuits in bed.

Yeah.

God damn it, Willie.

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Your dream drink.

Oh, so like with this meal,

it's got to be like a dry white wine, I reckon.

It's got to be a chabley, you know?

Or my actual favorite wine that I drink drink most weeks is the Kylie Minogue branded Provence Rose.

Not her Rose Rose, because that's not as nice, Kylie, respectfully, but the Kylie Minogue Provence Rose

is like actually one of the actual nicest Provence rosés that you can get in most parts of this country.

Because obviously, like I said, I'm in France a lot.

I'm in Paris a lot.

If they give you rose, it's the nicest fucking shit you've ever had in your life.

It's absolutely delicious.

But Kylie Minogue's Provence Rose is unreal.

What would they say in France, though, if you were like, I love Kylie's Provence Rose?

They'd probably be like, yeah, it's absolutely possible as like an everyday wine.

I've never had Kylie's Rose.

I love a Rose.

The normal rose isn't as nice.

It's a bit wet, a bit fruity.

It's not my vibe.

But her dry Provence Rose is really, really good.

It's just really drinkable and it's really good with food.

But in general, I love it shabbily.

What's your favorite Kylie song?

Oh my god.

I love like the wow era.

Read my lips.

I'm into you I'm into you can't resist you so huh get me into the shade I love that I also love obviously Peram sorry I'm just going through Kylie I love Kylie Minogue oh also better better the devil you know

whoa whoa whoa whoa um

what else oh she's just got so many good ears man she's so good her's like her songwriting and her the songs that come out of that woman are just like unreal.

She's excellent.

Always reinventing herself.

Always reinventing herself.

When you look at people like like that who have been going for a long time, do you think, oh, I'm going to have to reinvent myself.

But she doesn't reinvent herself too much, I don't think.

She's not like, I'm Goth Kylie now.

No, I mean, actually, she did do that.

She did do that.

They call me the Wild Rose.

But my name was Eliza Day.

Was that the Nick Cave stuff?

Yeah, it was the Nick Cave one.

What was I saying?

Kylie's wine.

Oh, I love it.

Proven Serise.

Love it.

You and her

Chabley instead.

Interchangeable for me.

Like, I just, I don't really enjoy.

I'm not one of these people that's like,

oh my God, this is the most delicious wine I've ever had.

But I love wine within the context of food because I love food.

And I think wine goes really well with like the fish and the veg and the risotto and all that.

Like, I just, I, I think like a dry wine, dry white wine.

Nice.

You know, I love like a, if I was drinking on its own and there was no food involved, I love actually, I'm kind of a Christmas girly.

I love a mulled wine.

I love a hot, sweet tart wine with some fucking cloves in there and cinnamon sticks and a bit of orange.

I love a mulled wine.

I've only got into it in the last few years, really.

But yeah, I look forward to it.

It's lovely.

I got sent some mulled wine for Christmas last year.

Did you?

Didn't use it.

The other day I got, oh yeah, last night.

Last night.

I got home.

The mould wine's out.

The bottle.

Half empty.

The cat.

So did my girlfriend went.

Were you drinking more wine?

She was like, no.

She didn't have a clue.

We nailed it down to her friend Lauren.

Or my mum.

Oh.

Has just drunk it as is.

What, just cold?

Not just out the bottle.

Because there's no evidence of mulling going on in the house.

Have you checked for stains?

I'll tell you what.

No stains anywhere?

I love mulled wine and I buy bottles from Top Couve do their own mulled wine every year.

It's good stuff.

Had it in the wine rack at home.

Didn't drink a couple of the bottles.

February, I say.

Come down into the kitchen, wine all over the opposite wall.

Because it's got so much sugar in it, I think.

Yeah.

If you leave it in the bottle, it starts to push the cork out.

So don't keep the mulled wine.

Oh, no, no, no.

So this has been moved.

It was in the cupboard.

Now it's out on the side.

It might have really rocketed off.

Now it's out on the side.

And no one has mulled that wine.

It has been drunk

cold as is out the bottle, half the bottle.

My mum cats out for a weekend.

Could have been the cats.

It's not the cats.

It's either my mum or it's my girlfriend's friend Lauren.

Or him out.

And you can keep this in the podcast hear me out because willie oh it feels like it feels like willy momentover yeah yeah where do you live

actually don't answer that question i'm not gonna tell you because then you will tell willie

he's just there rustling away yeah oh hey

i've got enough cats they'll catch him that big mouse yeah

they'll swarm him they'll swarm they'll take him down big mouse willie yeah he would he would be the type of person to to drink an entire bottle of mulled wine as well yeah because he has to think he's not he's not an alcoholic right but okay if he's definitely not an alcoholic i don't even know why i said he's not an alcoholic that makes it like he is like he is an alcoholic yeah but i've witnessed that man because because food is such a newer experience to him because of all of the years of touring and just ignoring food yeah i witnessed him drink like an entire bottle of Bailey's because he couldn't get over how delicious it was.

Like he just was like, oh yeah, let me just have this.

And he's like, oh my God, it's so good.

It tastes like milk.

So he drank the whole fucking thing.

You would have done that.

So it's really difficult.

It's really difficult to stop drinking.

Did you ever have like the

strawberries and cream one?

No, I think that'd be too much for that.

And that's unreal.

It's unreal.

And the salted caramel one.

And actually, there is

a Irish cream liqueur from County Waterford,

which is like a white chocolate-based cream liqueur.

And it's called Cool Swan.

And it's from County Waterford, which are all my family are from.

I think I've had Cool Swan.

I had to do like a taste test of things for Observer Food Month.

It's white.

It's like bright white.

I've had it.

Isn't it the most delicious thing you've ever had in your life?

I really liked it, but it was tasting something and going, I can't have this ever again.

Yeah, because I'll chug it.

So, yeah, so me and Willie have easily, on a Christmas or a New Year's, had an entire leisure between the two of us.

Like, very easily.

It's so good.

It's so tasty.

So, that's actually technically my

dream drink, if it was just I'm drinking and there's no food involved, is probably a cool swan over ice honestly well listen a lot of the time we have let people pair different drinks for different courses so if you want for your dream drink cool swan yeah and those wines can be with your come out with your courses okay amazing cool swan as a digestif because cool swan over ice would actually go with my dessert oh there you go

Well, let's get on to the dessert then.

What is your dream dessert?

So this is embarrassing.

My sister told me not to say this because she said it would be embarrassingly egotistical of me.

But

last week I made,

I made a dessert and it is hands down the best dessert I've had this year.

Great.

But it is followed to the tea from the love of my life, Nigella Lawson's Cookie Repeat.

It is a bread and butter Christmas.

pudding recipe.

So it's like a Christmas bread and butter pudding, right?

Oh my God.

That sounds amazing.

It is genuinely the nicest foot.

Like I had to physically stop myself from having like six bowls of it.

It was so good.

I actually made it for, I was in I in Suffolk with Willie's mom and dad and I didn't realize that shout out Steve bread and butter pudding is his favorite thing of all time and he's not a man of many many words but his dad after I made the bread and butter kept doing that classic like older English man thing of like taking me aside maybe three times over the course of that even just like taking me aside and being like i really loved that

like staring me like deeply in the eyes and then like putting his hand on my shoulder and being like i really loved that i really like he was like almost tears in his eyes over how much he loved it like it was so cute

it was really really bourdier levels he's kind of he was giving bourdier yeah but so the christmas bread and butter pudding recipe by queen of my life nigella lawson it is obviously stale white sandwich bread grand butter both sides traditionally you just chopped it up into triangles and you like lie lie it down and you pour the custard over it.

Because she's a fucking genius, she was like, oh, mince meat, right?

Like mince meat that you put in a mince pie.

You make mince meat sandwiches.

So you, you mince, you put a big thick layer of mince meat and then you put the bread on top and you cut up triangular sandwiches and then you lie that down in the pan and then you pour the custard over and you bake it.

Because traditionally, right, you put like, you know, raisin sultanas over the top.

They just get dry.

They let the dry

or it's like, you know, or the pudding is too wet or the whatever but this is actually because the mince meat and stuff is like in the body of it and it's not too much it's not overpowering it just like stit it all is perfect it is like the perfect texture and the perfect consistency and the raisins are perfect the mince meat is per everything about it is absolutely

perfect it is like the nicest dessert i've had all year is there anything else in the custard that makes it more christmassy or is it like just the vanilla it's just like vanilla like eggs i actually i think i put an extra egg into the custard then said in the recipe just because I had another egg and maybe not enough double cream.

But it's like full fat milk, double cream, eggs, cinnamon, sugar.

Not too much sugar, though.

It's only like two heaped teaspoons of castor sugar.

It's not.

You got mince meat and stuff, right?

Yeah, you got the mince meat and everything.

And that custard, actually, when I finished making that custard, I was like, I probably should have had a little sip of the raw shebarang because it's just got eggs in it, but oh my god, it was unreal.

And then you just pour that over and then you bake it for like 40 minutes.

and then i served it with a very hot custard really yeah i did hot and i don't usually do that but i was kind of just like i think i want hot custard with this and i think it was the right call

but that's where i'm saying i could have cool swan over ice yeah as my drink because i actually think all those flavors would go very well together yeah it might be

sweet and overpowering but oh my god that is the nicest dessert I've had in a very long time.

And I just made it myself and it's so easy.

I want to make that now.

It's so easy and actually very like cheap.

Like cost, like you don't need like loads of stuff.

It's like a sliced pan of bread, loads of butter.

There's a lot of butter in this recipe, should have pointed out because you're buttering both sides of each of the slices of bread that you're using.

And then also you have to put loads of butter down in the pan so that it like lifts off.

Maybe explains why it's like one of my favorite recipes, but it's really you got me excited for Christmas now.

You should just make that in not Christmas.

I'm probably going to make that tonight, to be honest with you, because I keep talking about it.

My sister Roshine keeps going mad.

She's like, why did you make it for me?

She's really jealous.

Love you, sis.

She's in the next room.

Lovely impression you did of your sister.

She's just nervous because she's real jealous, you know.

She always has been when she's good.

Like, if anyone.

I only met her briefly, but she didn't sound like that when I met her.

No, it didn't sound like that.

She sounds exactly like me.

My sister's, well, I have two sisters, and we all sound exactly the same when we talk, but we're just all very different, you know, that kind of way.

Yeah.

She's a nurse and has like a real job and stuff and lives in Australia.

Come on,

she's an adrenaline junkie.

She jumps out of planes and stuff like that.

That's not for you?

Absolutely not.

No, I get like, I was talking about this.

I don't need adrenaline.

I don't need high throw.

My adrenaline starts pumping if I'm like, if the bus is in two minutes and I'm a one-minute walk away.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, I start to go

like that.

So jumping out of a plane, I would probably just die.

Do you know what I mean?

I'd just like pass out in the air and not come back to life, I think.

What if someone made you walk the plank out of a plane?

I'd be grand, actually.

I'd be like, well, I'd just be ready to die at that point.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

If someone was like, walk the plank out of a plane, I wouldn't do it slowly.

I'd just lob myself out and be like, let's go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

End of life.

I've had a good run, do you know?

Yeah, I think if I if I had to accept it at that point, I'd maybe just leg it down the plank.

Yeah.

Have a have one last hurrah.

Leg it down the plank and have a good look at the scenery.

You know, hopefully you get thrown off a plane in like a nice location.

Do you know what I mean?

And you don't spin out so that you die before you hit the ground.

You know, the way some people do that, they jump out of a plane and they go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and they're ringing on their head like disconnects from their body or whatever.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to do that.

No.

No, no.

You want to have a look.

Jumped off the plank from the plane and then you landed on another plank coming out of a pirate ship.

No.

And you walk the plank twice.

I mean, surely that plank would just split you in half.

Yeah.

The speed you're going at.

Hey.

I don't know if you can make you back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like still water.

You would like a French baguette with a flight of Bordier butter.

Starter, you would like buttered parmesan, artichoke, and broccolini.

Buttered.

Battered.

Battered.

Battered.

Sorry, there's so much more.

We're thinking about butter.

We'll put it before buttered.

Yes.

Main course, risotto with poached salmon and mussels from 24 Le Restaurant in Paris.

Paris?

No one's ever said Paris before.

Slide dish, butter beans, cooked in stock and butter.

Drink.

Well, we've got the chapley here for all the courses, but then with the dessert, you're going to bring out the cool swan because you're having Christmas bread and butter pudding, Alan Ajella Lawson with steaming hot custard.

Steam and hot custard.

That sounds really good.

Yeah.

I would like to eat.

I think I would definitely want that bread and butter put in and definitely want that main course.

I want all of it.

Oh, yeah, all of it.

It'd be nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But those two are like...

I want the Bourdier butter.

Yeah.

Straight away.

Actually,

I want that Bourdieu butter.

She's got loads of SpawnCon food like sentias for doing all this.

Yeah.

That's my quite often.

What would you want?

I want all of the food.

I definitely want Bourdier butter.

I'm not sure.

I can't see Bourdier getting in contact and sending some butter over.

No, they're too exclusive.

That's why it's special.

I reckon the Cool Swan people might get in contact with you.

Cool Swan people of County Waterford.

My nanny is Noreen Lanigan and she's from Dungarvan and let me tell you, original name Noonan.

If you don't send me some bottles of Cool Swan for plugging you so hard, my family be after you.

Yeah.

There's about 75 million of them in County Waterford, so be careful.

Lovely.

Started well.

I think they probably...

I feel like they might have sent you some stuff originally, and then you said that your family are going to be after them.

Okay, take it back.

I love you.

Listen, if the people at Whitaker's Chocolate are listening, if you don't send me some fucking chocolate, I'm going to send my dad Roger House and he's going to fucking stab you in the kneecaps with a screwdriver.

And if there's any pirates listening, please, please don't make us want to play.

Do not make me want to plug it.

I would hate it, please.

Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant, C-Mat.

Thank you for that.

Thank you, C-Mat.

There we are, James.

A great menu from CMAT.

A delicious menu.

No danger of KFC coming up in that menu.

You surprised yourself if a cough then.

I did.

I can't believe that happened.

You didn't know you were going to cough, and you coughed and you looked all confused, like a baby who sneezed for the first time.

We've just had lunch,

so I think we're all a bit tired.

You think?

Yeah.

That's what it is?

Yeah.

A little baby.

Why would we say we're all a bit tired?

I mean, it's just you.

Yeah, man.

I'm tired.

yeah yeah did a cough that surprised yourself but cmat didn't choose kfc no kentucky fried chicken kentucky fried chicken um and chose some absolutely delicious dishes and crazy mad comma for me is that now thank you so much c-mat for coming on the podcast uh wonderful stories and you know it's i i i've i would say at some point if we can get the butterman on the podcast and make that episode happen yeah i mean there's a lot of people that C-Mat talked about who I'd like to get on the podcast.

Willie.

That's the first time we've ever said Willie at the same time.

No, it's not.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you very much to C-Mat.

We will see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Bye.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.