Ep 205: Jordan Gray

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be heard.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the meringue of humor, the whipped cream of good times, the raspberries of chuckles, and mashing them all up into a big old eaten mess.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Cass of the Star Off Menu Podcast, and we welcome a guest into our dream restaurant every single week and ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is...

Jordan Gray.

Jordan Gray is a wonderful comedian and musical genius.

Musical genius, probably.

If you ever seen her perform, it's pretty phenomenal.

I don't know.

We're recording this episode.

Yeah, we have to record all the episodes in big batches, let them out one by one as the year rolls by.

I think there's going to be quite a gap between us recording this and releasing it.

Who knows the projects that Jordan's got out now?

Because I know there's a lot of projects in the works.

She's busy.

Don't know what to promote at this stage.

We'll just promote Jordan.

Just promote Jordan.

Go and see Jordan's stand-up if you can.

And Jordan's podcast, Transplaining, which is available on all,

wherever you get your podcasts.

All your poddy platforms.

Yeah, yeah.

Go and listen to that.

But honestly, just go and check out whatever she's doing.

She's brilliant.

Very much looking forward to talking to her today, James, about food.

However, even though we're very much looking forward to talking to Jordan about food, if Jordan says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

Bye-bye, Jordan.

And this week, the secret ingredient is quail.

Quail.

Now, it's

a tricky one, this.

Jordan's show, her sort of breakthrough show, is called Is It a Bird?

Yeah.

And

Quail is a bird.

We thought, let's think of a bird.

Yeah.

Quail is a bird.

Now, I like quail,

but it does annoy me because it's tiny.

So I often think, I'd like that if it was big, but that is basically a chicken.

The bones are tiny.

So you try and get more meat and then you're eating these tiny little bones.

Yeah, I mean.

So that's why I'm saying we are justified to put quail on.

I hate tiny little bones.

Also, we've put quail eggs in the past as a secret ingredient.

So I think, you know, by association,

the quail that's causing them, we wouldn't have quail eggs.

If it wasn't for the quail, I know people are now going to be like, well, what came first?

Listen, that's not the point.

We definitely wouldn't have quail eggs if it wasn't for quails popping them out.

Yeah.

So

I would say, you know, just by association, a quail becomes a secret ingredient.

That's fine.

Bang.

Quail is the secret ingredient.

If Jordan says quail, she's out on her ear.

Sorry.

Sorry, not sorry.

Sorry, not sorry, not sorry.

This is the off-menu menu of Jordan Gray.

Jordan Gray.

Welcome Jordan to the dream restaurant.

Thanks.

It's nice here.

Lovely.

Welcome, Jordan Gray, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

This is nice, dream restaurant.

Thanks for having me in your dream restaurant.

This is proper nice.

Not met you before, Ed, maybe very briefly.

Very, very excited to meet you.

And straight in.

Didn't know this.

Very briefly met James before.

And if I may quickly recap recap it because you get a chance to repeat his love fair enough what happened is we met a little charity gig it was really nice and i've met first time met him and in he walks i'm like oh there he is and i'm a man i deeply admire but i didn't want him to know that so i'm like being all aloof in the corner and then i really wanted to say like oh thanks for that little cis boy sketch that he did because i'm transgender it's like really nice so i waited all night and then i didn't get really a chance to see a set and at the end i just come up and i was like i wanted to say james thanks for that cisboy sketch but what i said was

thanks sis boy

and then and then you very sweetly was like what and I was like

and then I just went

thanks for everything you've done for the transition community and then I just ran away and it must have been baffling for you

I love thanks sis boy yeah yeah yeah I was like oh cheers like it's a power move yeah yeah

um I mean that's that's how everyone refers to me actually I didn't even notice yeah everyone on the bill was saying that

it's a sis boy that's great you had such a good gig that night as well I do love a gig and like them when they're nice thanks for for saying that.

It was good.

The tech was all over the place.

And as a musical comedian, that's annoying because it's sort of a binary system.

If the tech doesn't work and you're a musical comedian, there is not a performance.

But it's all right.

Here's my question about your live performances.

Have you ever fallen over?

Because you do stuff where you stand really precarious stuff on the stool.

On the stool, on the keyboard.

And I was like, surely that's gone wrong before.

Definitely.

And in the most embarrassing way, one time.

So I get, there's no surprise at this point, I get nude at the end of my hour.

And I i've did that in coventry and i fell off nude off my keyboard and landed on my wrists backwards so i'm just there with these floppy wrists nude everything about me flopping at that point basically and it's like and it was painful but you can't be nude and in pain you have to like just suck it up yeah so i'm just

it's fine i mean this is a this is an audio medium you can't see but i'm flopping you know i'm just standing there yeah

but life's just really short so it's all right it's fine it's i'm not embarrassed enough to not talk about it with you no absolutely not i mean that is not the first time someone's fallen naked on a keyboard in coventry yeah yeah come on come on yeah the city was built on it

so you said you said the dream restaurant is nice when you came in now obviously the dream restaurant exists within the minds of the of the guest diners so what are you seeing when you walk into the dream restaurant it's quiet yeah there's not a lot of people there people perhaps have pictures of people i admire more so than them actually being there i don't want to interact with them oh that's good

So what other,

so some other cis boys?

It's just all cis boys everywhere.

I like to be reminded of the past.

The nostalgia of cisgender people everywhere.

And I'm the only transgender person there because you can only have one of us in a room at a time.

Three fight to the death.

Course three is the transgender person you've just murdered in a dystopian fantasy.

Can't wait to get to that.

Lots of nice cis people, but that's irrelevant.

Just nice faced people that I like, and I look up and be reminded of all that while I'm enjoying a meal.

That's nice.

Like a television, I think, as well.

No one's had a TV.

No one's had a TV.

Mike Skinner had his phone watching YouTube

while he was eating.

I guess he didn't think to have a TV.

You went out of a TV.

Yeah, like, I don't know what happened to kebab shops with TVs playing in the corner all the time, but that was nostalgic, anyway.

People throw their kebabs at the screen, I think, was the main problem.

I just remember, oh god, do you remember?

I mean, Hurricane Katrina was a big thing, and I remember being drunk in a kebab shop and seeing it on TV.

And somebody, it had been weeks of coverage, and some guy goes, Oh, who bloody cares?

And I was really drunk, and I just went into full like Captain America mode.

And I was like, Maybe our transatlantic cousins care.

And then we just got in a fight in the kebab shop.

It was so stupid.

I'm not that sort of person at all.

I just got really patriotic for a country I don't live in.

I was like,

what a good reason

to have the fight.

A lot of people just having fights because people have looked at them funny.

You were defending the people of New Orleans.

It was.

And it was not really, it's one of them fights like what, do you remember when Homer Simpson thought that boxer in the thing and he don't really fight, just stands there and that's all that happened.

I stood there and took lots of beatings without falling down while continuously being like, the families, they're families, that's who cares.

That's great.

Yeah.

But hopefully that won't happen in the dream restaurant unless you want to have a fight in the dream restaurant.

Yeah, I'd like to keep things civil and peaceful and tasty.

A a television in the corner don't have to be a big one what do you want on the television i'd like access to all the sitcoms of all time a sort of a hybrid streaming service with all the sitcoms so i can flick at my leisure 30 rock on repeat would be good for me while i'm eating i enjoyed that while i'm eating ed did that as his specialist subject in mastermind really yeah i did yeah oh man i didn't see that it would be a good excuse to just watch all of them again that's wonderful that's what i'm watching when i get home no that's what that's it that's the answer i want to see that on repeat for my time because it's not a long meal and they're hour-long episodes i want to do mastermind so you are mastermind brilliant doing 30 rock i'm having that spoiler warning i didn't win jordan there you bear

all right well by the dessert we'll switch over to a different channel

ed can you remember any of the questions you had see if jordan i don't think i can you know i did okay on 30 rock there was one about uh which city does jason sudekis' character move to yeah to move away from new york Freaking hell, I do.

Not Philly.

Oh, it's really funny.

They've got the Rock and Real Museum and stuff.

And there's a whole song about it, and he mentions it in the song.

I love it.

God, Daniel, if you have no idea, or if you've got it straight away, not entertaining for me at all.

But this is just hanging in the balance.

Clearly on the tip of your tongue.

Oh, no, don't.

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

I tell you what, here's some extra pressure on you.

Yeah.

We now know.

that Tina Faye listens to this podcast.

Really?

So you.

Oh.

She's listening to it right now.

Okay, we don't know.

She's listening to you get this one.

What?

We don't know that.

We know that.

She came to the Christmas live show.

She came to our live show.

Bloody wonderful.

Yeah, we were.

She came with her family.

Yes.

So it might be a member of her family who listens to it.

Bullshit.

And also, the live show is absolute chaos.

So imagine if even if she did listen to it, there's absolutely no way she listens to it.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Everyone who's at those live shows doesn't listen to it anymore.

That whole audience no longer listens to the podcast.

To be honest,

we burn a lot of bridges.

Cleveland.

Cleveland.

Congratulations.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

Yeah, I can't imagine why anyone would go out and order anything but sparkling because I can have still at home on tap.

And that literally on tap.

So what I've really enjoyed about this part of the pun is that people often lead up to their answer with, well, obviously,

but it's always different.

Well, it's obviously one of two.

It's sort of all half always the same, really, isn't it?

Yeah, but always the person is like, clearly this.

Why would anyone else drink the other one?

So for you, it's because you couldn't get sparkling at home.

Yeah, but I can't imagine a person saying still because obviously...

What's an obvious reason to have still water in a restaurant?

Thirst, I guess.

People who don't like sparkling properly think it tastes rank.

Like, they think it's horrible.

It's like someone's farted in your water.

All this kind of stuff.

Well, we've had all the reasons, haven't we?

Yeah, so many reasons that people are like, why would anyone ever, out of choice drink that but then conversely we have like the it's obviously it's fancier to have the sparkle it's nice you want a night out you want to do this you know so yeah it it's always people just think i think people don't know how strong everyone else's opinions are about water until they come on this pod

you could have sparkling at home i could i'd have i suppose it's going out of my way whereas i'm here at this restaurant yeah at your behest

a bubbly water like yeah it's like a party in my mouth yeah I'm the only one that's there, but I'm enjoying the bubbles.

Yeah.

Well, there's pictures on the walls of your mouth of other people who you like.

I've got pictures of everyone having just had a sip of sparkling water and they didn't realize it was sparkling.

It's all my favourite people going like all the spit coming out.

Are you at the party in your mouth or are you the party in your mouth?

Yes.

Good question.

Saying, have I administrated and invited everyone to a party in my mouth?

My own mouth like

when you drink the sparkling water, it is a party in your mouth.

But are you a guest at that party or are you simply the venue?

Yeah.

You're right.

No,

I'm the venue.

I'm up in an office counting the money at my own party.

I took money on the door and then I'm in a dark corner at the party in my own mouth.

It's quite sad, really, isn't it?

Yeah, that's what I, yeah.

Do you think you can recognise your own mouth from the inside?

If you woke up and you were inside a mouth and someone said, guess whose mouth this is?

It definitely wouldn't be my my first i wouldn't have thought i'm in my own in fact of all the mouths if i woke up in a mouth the last mouth i'd think was this least likely mouth to be because i'm like i've got mine's here yeah

however if i did this and then a giant finger appeared in front of me it's brilliant i'd be like that's that's my mouth that'd be insane actually yeah that would be mad to be able to do that yeah wrap your head around that and then behind that is what here's what happened this is the right layer layer three of the mouth inception party is you put your finger in i see a giant finger and then the minute i touch that giant finger, I feel a tiny me in my own mouth, and there's a little me having a party in my mouth.

Oh, yeah, and it would go on and on and on.

Past the big finger touching you, you'd be able to see your mouth.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

Yes.

You would.

You would be able to see the inside of your mum again.

Jeez.

Oh, I can see why you picked sparkling water there.

Yeah, yeah.

This is great.

It's an amazing thing.

It's an effervescent theory.

You don't get that with...

H2O.

I get the impression that if you could have a tap in your house that had sparkling water water coming out of it, you would say yes to it.

Or would you say no because it would ruin going out?

No, you're right.

I'd have one.

A soda stream.

Definitely.

Yeah.

The going out is the hassle of it all.

You've got to be careful with soda streams.

They don't work very well.

James had a soda stream and he's very thick, so he didn't know how to work it properly.

You've been milking it or something.

I wish that was the plan long term.

I'd even get that far.

They don't work.

They're faulty.

He never screwed it in properly, so every time you pumped it up, it went everywhere.

You have to manually pump it as well.

Yeah.

I always just assumed it was a...

You've got a button thing, you like got a pump it to get basically still water, screw it in, you know, three times just to make sure it's secure.

Press the button a few times and then it puts gas into the water.

That's silly.

That's really silly.

That's like just a few steps removed from a clown seltzer bottle.

You've got to do it yourself.

Yeah, yeah, ridiculous.

I'm working for the man.

Sparkling water.

I shouldn't be able to do that.

Yeah, yeah.

Working for big sparkling.

They should be doing that for me.

Yeah.

Well, you can just buy sparkling water.

Oh, am I a mug?

Got to go there and pay for it myself.

Do it.

I want to get a soda stream.

And you want to just pour...

Ideally, ideal world, and I think Jordan agrees with me.

Yeah.

You just pour the water into the soda stream at the top and it just comes out the bottom sparkling is what you want.

That's what you want.

Like a Willy Wonka kind of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I want an element of whimsy about my beverages.

Every beverage I drink.

Too whimsical.

Living in a dream world over here.

Living in your own mouth.

Unbelievable.

Some of us are realists.

yeah yeah you're you're you've never entertained such things no push the button a few times lovely me and james bumping on the ceiling of a moving fan because we've had our lovely yeah effess in bubbles living the dream up there

we're going to get bothered for this later you slugworth down there with your little still water i am the slugworth of this podcast actually

whispering in everyone's ears and then at the end it's revealed you were goodie all along

That's going to be the twist of the off-menu podcast eventually.

Everyone discovers Ed was actually all right.

Oh.

At the end.

Well, that makes me put the rest of it in perspective.

A lot of people come up to me on the street going, Ed's the baddie.

Yeah.

And then what do you say?

I say, well, you wait till the end.

No, you don't.

You put your headphones on, you pull your jacket up and you walk away without saying anything.

Of course I do.

Pop-loves on bread.

Pop-loves on bread, Jordan.

Great.

Pop-loves on bread.

Pop-a-doms.

Yeah.

Wait, hang on.

No, bread, because I've got

it.

Sorry, I was so confused.

You get confused.

Between all pop-a-doms and naan is, naan, very much a a bread.

Is it right to say naan bread?

Yeah.

Well then the naan, yeah, absolutely.

And plain as well.

I don't want any, I don't need any additions.

No faffing.

That's a meal on its own.

It's a lovely naan bread cooked properly.

Yeah.

Have you tried the other ones and they're just not for you?

The other naans.

Is pechwari a meat?

No, keema's the meat one.

Oh, because I've not, yeah, I'm vegetarian.

Peshwari is like the coconut, the really sweet coconutty one.

Oh, that's a bit much.

I think that's sickly.

It's mad.

Some people love it.

Even as a sweet tooth boy,

getting a pechoi naan at the start, I'm like, this is bananas, isn't it?

If combined sort of

start a main end dessert into one.

As soon as I said it, Jordan.

As soon as I said this is bananas, I knew I've opened myself up there to know it's coconut.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not proud of myself.

I mean, a banana naan's great because there's a bit of built-in pun.

It's just a banana, but you add an extra A, wherever you like.

Banana.

It was more work.

Yeah, it works written down.

It's kind of like you tweet that, absolutely go nuts.

Yeah.

Say that out loud on a date, getting nothing, mate.

Banana.

You see, I've dirted for A.

Who was the lead singer of no doubt that went solo?

Quinstafani.

Quinstafani.

Fuck her up a little bit, wouldn't it?

Deep, A-N-A-A-N-A-N-A.

Start again.

Fitting with the microphone.

Bread is bananas.

Deep, A-N-A-A.

It's a heart.

That is hard.

Yeah.

For Ell having to pause the recording.

Gwen, how wedded are you for this pun?

Be honest.

Because people aren't aware of Banana Nun's existence.

It's a niche product at this point.

We're not launching that.

That's not our job.

I imagine if you were launching the Banana Nun,

obviously you would have to do it with that song and do that as the jingle to promote it.

But you'd have to do it in a different time signature.

I believe it's in 4-4, but you would have to

that's at least a bar of 4 and a bar of 5 following each other.

I was to say, yeah, collabbing with some obscure math core band.

I've got their big break because we need a six seven time signature to there's a lot of music chat flying around that I don't know about I don't know four four of them five five and stuff

you don't maybe you don't know it on the surface but you know it in your heart because four is basically most songs yeah right if you're right if you're boogie and it's four four if you're doing a sort of a little sway it's probably in three four yeah well as far as i'm aware i've never boogied or done a little sway i've seen you boogie and sway don't you're so modest and do i boogie and sway more to four four or the other ones you boogie to the four four you sway to the three four yeah and to those other ones you listen to a lot of mathcore a lot of tech metal bands yeah and uh

for those i just normally have seen you uh sit and pensively watch them with an angry look on your face

yeah i don't look like i'm enjoying it do i i know in your head you're enjoying it but i am but yeah yeah i'm getting more and more wedded to this idea for the next it's not quite a sketch but it yeah as a tableau or something in a music video it's that's really interesting yeah there's so many layers it's good i guess you could try and eat a bit of banana naan and then the big banana naan comes in this naan is bananas

and then it just keeps going and going yeah and trails up into sort of like the early echo it just gets really discording dystopian music as we go into the darkness i'll say that then if that's all right i know that's sort of technically aside because it's not really an existing bread but i'll say banana naan oh we're still going for

sparkling water and banana naan

it's a harrowing combination

and banana is spelt with the

yes it is i think banana so i'd go b a n a a n a

that's why i put the extra a would be in the yeah in the middle yeah banana yeah banana yeah like that helped by just saying it

yeah that that's about right yeah yeah just for the person who's gonna inevitably put it in the wikipedia well where else would it go the extra a can't go at the beginning No, it's not going to be over.

Banana.

But that doesn't say none, does it?

The whole point of the pun is it's got the word none in the middle.

I'm just, I'm just being crystal clear.

I want to sort of be on the same page.

No one's muddy about how to spell banana.

Every time I hear

every time I hear hollow back, I'm going to be thinking, yeah, this none is bananas.

Never gonna think

popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Is your dream starter an invention or is it a pre-existing dish?

It pre-exists.

And I don't think there's any greater flavor combination in the world than tomato, basil and cheese, a caprese salad of anywhere I go, it's a fresh and it's light.

And they do a burrata caprese in gauchos in Soho that is the best caprese.

Perhaps the best thing I've ever eaten.

And I think it's the way they reduce the jus.

And I'm just going to throw the word jus out there like I know that.

You've got to chuck out the word ju now and again.

You've got to chuck out a ju.

I think it's like balsamic vinegar and brown sugar that they reduce down.

So it's just a thick sauce on a very sparse amount of basil, quite a lot of tiny tomatoes, and then a burata that's like a universe of cheese.

Like, because a burata is like a mozzarella, but with loads of little mozzarellas floating in some mozzarella juice inside, isn't it?

Yes, so it's like a dinosaur egg or something.

It's like Godzilla.

It looks like the Godzilla eggs from the original

90s Godzilla film on some tomato and jus.

And it's absolutely bloody beautiful and considering Gaucho's is a steak restaurant and I thought I was going to be sitting there eating salad.

I was like, this is this is lovely.

Yeah, that's a treat.

I mean, Burrata is just the ultimate, isn't it?

Yeah.

Also, it's so rare to eat a whole cheese.

So rare for someone to go, this is a dish for one person and it's a whole cheese and you've got to breach it.

I love breach.

The breach is involved in any meal.

Well, yeah, what the listeners don't know is that Ed on the way here was in, you were rear-ended.

Yes, I was.

Yeah.

And you're probably in like you know survival mode in your head so you're talking about breaching stuff and all that

you're very much i don't think i'm in survival mode i was in anoober and someone mentions some cheese and you're like breach the cheese

like

it's fully it wasn't a bad accident or anything everyone's fine you got you got rear-ended though yeah and you said it hurt your neck a bit because you'd been messing yesterday yeah

i mean what an insight into my life

that now i'm talking about breach the cheese because i've hurt my neck a bit yeah wait did you the story I heard, which only happened 30 seconds after it happened to you, via James, was that you hurt your neck in the Uber as well.

You actually hurt your neck wrestling and it's been a compounded or expounded by the accident.

Exactly.

Well, yesterday I did a I did a couple of bumps in the ring, which is wrestling terminology and it's not drugs.

Fucking 90s pop back.

Bumps in the ring.

Bumps in the ring.

Oh, lovely.

And I forgot to, one of the important things when you're wrestling is make sure you tuck your head in when you fall on the floor.

Right.

And I forgot that bit.

So I was just sort of like a little bit of mild whiplash.

And I thought, well, I'll have a day off that today.

And then I got in an Uber that was rear-ended.

Tuck your head in like a turtle.

Not downwards.

I wish I'd known you before Coventry.

I wish it was a Coventry.

I can't remember where I fell off a keyboard.

Yeah, Coventry.

Did you tuck your neck in when you fell off the keyboard?

No,

there was all appendages out and about, heads, everything.

It's not healthy.

I hope you're feeling better.

Oh, I feel great.

Because this meal is going to require neck movement, isn't it?

I mean, most do.

Most do.

I mean, I know.

You've got to move your neck.

Yeah, I suppose so for the swallowing part.

Turns out, like, I mean, birds don't have, oh, what's it called?

Peristalsis, like the movement of, like, swallowing is peristalsis.

It's a contraction of the thing all the way down from the mouth to the old bummer.

But, like, birds don't have that.

They just use gravity, don't they?

They just put things in and then just keep bouncing like that.

That's why you see a bird do that.

What?

Birds don't have peristalsis so food just has to fall down their neck like fish don't have it and they just have to like keep moving like as far as i know but humans like and most mammals you've got to use your neck to eat i think i think so yeah basically let's not put anything too chewy or difficult to swallow no i'll just sit very still

fun challenge though for the listeners try next time you have a meal try not using your neck

cut the cow out of the middle man yeah head to stomach yeah digestion see if you can manage it birds use gravity to eat.

Yeah.

They really pick and choose when they use gravity, don't they?

They are masters of it.

That's fucking rich.

That is rich of birds, isn't it?

That is rich.

Now you come calling it back.

Always ask this when people say burata.

Do you think you could ever go back to mozzarella?

My dad, Bessie, knows it's my favourite meal, so he makes it with mozzarella.

And because it's infused with fatherly love, I could ever look at the loving mozzarella.

is a loving mozzarella is on par with a dispassionate burata

like that's about the same.

Yeah, but um a loving burrata would top everything.

Oh, yeah, I don't know who, yeah.

It's just not as fun though, is it mozzarella now?

Because the burrito, when you hate to bring up a breach again, when you cut into that and it just explodes and oozes and oh, yeah, it's not often I hear myself saying I would like my cheese to have a surprise

because that's the last thing you really want.

Cheese can can do that to you, but yeah, that's in that case.

It's like a little gift.

Yeah.

I put the extra A, B, U, R out.

I knew that that was in your mind.

Yeah, as soon as you started saying it, I made a lot of capraze salads during the lockdowns.

Really?

It was a rough time for you, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of people struggle during lockdown, but I just want just want people to know that James made a lot of caprazy salads.

I made a lot of caprezi.

I ate a lot of caprezi.

But mainly because I refused to open the door to any delivery men, so I could only eat what they could slide under the door.

So

I had to just slice by slice with the tomatoes and then everything just under.

I'd assemble it myself on the other side.

Would you say Italian is probably the cuisine where you could get most of the food under the door?

Good question.

Oh, you do.

Your brain goes straight to pizza, of course.

Yeah.

Pasta, it's messy, but you can get that under the door.

Yeah.

I suppose like a...

Deconstructed lasagna you could?

Yeah.

Sheet by sheet?

I mean, it's really

a lot of Thai is just broth and broth moves quite fluidly between any

poured under it

difficult to receive at the other end.

Yeah, get under the door, you're questioning.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you could definitely get a lot of broth under and

noodles and stuff and bok choy, all of that stuff.

Pour it through the keyhole with the broth.

And I'll be waiting with a bowl.

So less.

Then you're using gravity.

Yeah.

Then gravity is your friend.

Then you're like a little bird, a little cover bird.

And really, with noodles, you could feed a noodle through the keyhole.

And if you put your lips up against it you just suck yeah just suck yeah and all of the noodles are going through suck all of it through the keyhole yeah yeah so yeah that's how i met my wife

my wife the door yes you're probably right italian is uh is a two-dimensional cuisine yeah god it's the flattest the flattest cuisine that there is yeah parmaham parmaham that's going under the door yeah you're not thinking twice then no no way or anything that unrolls like sushi or or one of them swiss rolls i don't mind reassembling it at the other end

it's a little bit of fun

it's like when you get um when you buy a mattress and it's rolled up yeah it's sort of the opposite of that give it to me flat and i'll i'll arrange my sushi at the other end yeah a lot of people say that about sushi it's like the opposite of a mattress

with that in mind i do very often think i wish there was such a thing as like a bread pillow and that's not me being a silly surrealist comedian about it.

I often think I'd love to sleep on a pillow of warm bread because it's just the nice thing when when you've got naan bread and being it and eating it at the same time well yeah I mean like you know sometimes a lot the way people can describe really good bread is saying oh it's really pillowy on the inside

they know what they're on about pillowy bread wish that they could lay their head on it that would be good yeah I wouldn't complain there so would it be naan bread for you if you were to have it as a pillow yeah because often you don't usually want lumps i like the topography of naan i think just realized i quite like how it it's got different shapes and layers and it's all quite organic yeah but that's nice because you find your little niche in it and go to sleep yeah you find your little little divot yeah little little divot in the nard so yes a burrata leafy i like i love me some basil have you ever had a basil plant at home

you ever take took took a leap no i only my whole life ever owned a single species of plant many of them but one species because i'm a little nerd and i always had a venous fly trap growing up as a kid nice and i kept that going for about 15 years i haven't got one anymore it's not the same plant so it's like loads of the loads of them being sponge traps.

And would you feed it flies?

Yeah.

Feed it a bit of everything.

And I saw a documentary online that said they can count because if a fly goes in and it feels a movement, it doesn't just close straight away.

Because what if the second movement it feels is that fly flying away?

Because then it will close for no reason because it hasn't got brain or eyes.

So it will only close on either odd or prime numbered

odd feelings because a third thing means it's come, come out and gone again, something like that.

So they can kind of accidentally count, which is very cool.

I haven't thought about venus flytraps you don't see them anymore for a very long time

they are nuts

yeah it's a really weird thing to get a bnq in the plant section as a little nerd as a goth as well and it's like the most sort of gothy plant yeah for sure something that's got teeth

that's it was such a huge thing every halloween and me and my partners would buy Halloween gifts instead of Valentine's Day gifts and we always gave each other like Venus flytraps something with a macabre edge to it and that instead of flowers like little Adam's family

Ed wishes he was in that friendship group yeah I'd love that you wish man were you sort of goth adjacent

I was adjacent yeah I hung out with the goths yeah but I just have a go at me for wearing too much colour yeah you can't be I was too happy to be a goth to be fair and you that does give you away straight away but I had that but you know I had the full I had a leather trench coat yeah same yeah but Neo from Matrix that year everyone echoes

what did your hair look like Ed I I had dyed black hair for a while.

Yeah, but still with like, still with the sort of fairly conservative looking haircut.

Great, yeah.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, you dyed your hair black.

Yeah, dyed my hair black, black nail varnish.

Tiny bit of eyeliner, maybe.

A little bit of eyeliner now and again.

Big new rock flame boots.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

I didn't know any of this.

No, this is lovely.

No, this is great.

Oh, I loved it.

You know, you want to sit next to Ed, go and pay this, of course.

I thought Ed short for.

I didn't know that.

I didn't have a Venus fly trap, though.

Yeah, so I wasn't the full goth.

That's probably hardcore.

They don't really, we don't really go in for botany, most goths.

Everything's supposed to be dead.

The fact that anything was alive in the house, it's got to have teeth or eyes.

What about you, man, James?

Are you?

No, so my friends were.

Yeah.

I was still a Christian at the time.

So that wasn't cool.

So I was there.

And also, so I'd gone from like, so 13 is when I started getting to that kind of music, hanging out with those sorts of kids.

Before then, I was like trying to be cool and not succeeding buying all the kind of like everyone was into like adiass bottoms and like sportswear yeah so then I and I just had this you know realization that all of this is bullshit I'm gonna hang out with these kids who don't care about any of that stuff but then quickly discovered they do care about that stuff

it's just the other it's just another group of stuff and I was exhausted when I started hanging out with them and then I remember going around one of their houses and they're like why are you wearing an umbrella shirt you're meant to meant to be one of us and I was like oh fucking hell this is even worse than before yeah so i was like still wearing the i kind of deliberately didn't even think about what i wore until i was in my mid to late 20s because uh because i was too exhausted about it when i was 13.

there's so much paraphernalia to being a goth and there's not brands as much either it is just a sort of a vibe It's Camden Market, basically.

It is Camden Market.

Everything I owned was from Camden Market.

Massive chains.

I bought a bullet belt in Australia and there was like a whole thing.

They look like bullets, but it's obviously a belt.

And they said, you can't take that on the plane, which is sort of, I get, because they're not sure if they're really bullets.

But then they said, but you can post it to yourself.

So, wait, hang on.

So the problem is that you're worried that I'm going to use them on the plane, but not when I get to my country of origin.

They're either bullets or they're belt.

Make a decision.

Yeah.

Use it there.

I'm so jealous.

I never had a bullet belt.

Bullet belts are.

Yeah.

It doesn't even work because that's sort of more cowboy and western.

Yeah.

Yeehaw, goth.

It's a weird combination.

Yeah, goths shouldn't be using guns and stuff, should they?

No, definitely not.

Good if there's a goth in the magnificent seven, an eighth one.

Just a little goth there complaining it's too sunny in the wild west.

That's got your dream main course.

This is a perfect segue because actually.

It's bullets.

Flies.

Plate the flies.

Yeah, during that time, beating a goth and that,

I was a proper nerd that suddenly became the lead singer of the band, the big band from our school.

And we only, every school's got like one.

And during those times, we'd finish the gig and my mum said we'd keep all the ticket money from, because I lived in a pub, sorry, I rewind, lived in this pub.

And we'd invite everyone to the gigs.

We could keep all that money so long as she got the bar takens.

And I'd just sit there with a pint of money, like pound coins and stuff.

All of us band members got loads of money.

And we'd go to the kebab van that was outside.

And the kebab van was paying like no rent.

And they knew it.

So they didn't even charge us any money.

So it's a free meal.

And there's such a sense of victory when you're 14 of being a nerd that suddenly in a I was grindcore band.

It was

proper.

They're all there.

They loved it.

All these kids.

So then I know a Monday in school, everyone's going to love it.

Sat there with a chicken kebab.

And I'm a vegetarian.

And yet I'm putting this in because that's how nostalgic and good it was.

Let's say, because it's a dream restaurant, magically you're able to affect the biochemical molecular structure and it's not got any meat in it.

I've done it.

That is wicked.

So it's a chicken kebab from this specific place because he was worried about his rent getting put up.

So he gave us free food.

I know that this podcast includes a side.

It has historically, but I used to get them as one meal with chips and burger sauce.

Am I allowed to include that?

So it's a chicken kebab and a thing and some chips with burger sauce on, which you can't get anymore, the burger sauce that they've got.

I don't know why that's...

You know, burger sauce?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what was it?

Exactly.

Burger sauce is supposed to just be ketchup and mayonnaise, sort of, really, innit?

The primary, I learned about colours in school, and it's orange, so it's got to have yellow and red in it.

So I assume it's either mustard or

yeah but for whatever reason cheap burger van kebab sauce is amazing they were called all sit best kebab which is a bold claim and we did live in all sit so that at least bit made sense and but a cheeseburger there as well and I know that's a stretch but it was one meal that I had and I would sit there in my underwear with all my golf makeup still on and I'd just like sort of legs akimbo with this food like a little king just picking with my hands no one's looking that's why nobody can be in this restaurant just greasy handfuls of everything everything just with a pint of money on the side and it was the best feeling in the world because that shouldn't happen to a little anorak which i definitely was so this meal is this this main course yeah is a chicken kebab yep chips and burger sauce and a cheeseburger

and eating with no plan as to how and in what order any of that's going to be consumed but it's piecemeal you're eating a bite of a bit bite of this and always there's a television on there I think I've based the restaurant mainly around this meal to be fair yeah yeah it sounds like this is a yeah essential and just to be clear I'm changing the molecular structure of the chicken, but not the burger.

I can't have everything.

It was so, so sweet.

Like, you could see the terror in his eyes every time we come past.

It's like any way that he could get his rent to stay down.

So he'd offer, I'd have just eaten and he'd offer food.

I was like, yeah, definitely.

And also, just, I had like sort of a little mafia feel to it that I could take all my friends there and he had to give them all free food.

And that wasn't my intention,

but it was always going to happen.

Were you holding the pint of money as well, just to show that you could pay if you wanted?

Taking a little, yeah, formative sip out of a pint of that point.

It tastes good.

And then they found out that the plot of land that we lived on, there was a little gap where technically he wasn't even on our land.

So you can't really open up a business right next to a working food business because they were taking a lot of our business away, but we didn't mind.

But then it turned out.

Even though it was cheap rent, it was rent that they didn't even technically owe us.

Wow.

So there was a checkered history to his van.

Oh, and it burned down.

Oh, shit.

And that's what happened to two of us.

Like I woke up one night, it faced out of my window because I lived in the pub.

And I looked out the window and I saw what I thought was aliens landing because you were in a dreamy state and it was amazing.

And imagine seeing that in real life.

I was like, there's aliens.

This is historic.

It's amazing.

Then I'm like opening my eyes a bit more.

I was like, oh, it's not aliens.

It's a shootout between the police and someone.

That didn't happen.

But I'm thinking it's that.

And I'm going, oh, it's not.

Right.

So that's the police they're shooting.

Oh, this is blood deal.

Then I'm opening it more and I'm like, oh, it's loads of firemen with a hose putting out the fire of a flaming kebab van and i thought this is all mad

it must be a dream so i just went back to bed in the morning woke up my mum was like mum i think the kebab van is just a flaming pile of ash it was it was gone it's just gone what a drop-off in what you what you thought it was to what it actually was but there was no paradigm shift to me thinking oh i'm actually awake yeah it was all a dream it just got more and more boring and pedestrian is a dream so i just thought it's a dream aliens shoot out flaming kebab

yeah oh no i just think it's funny when people describe anything other than a building burning down.

Like a van burning down.

Yeah.

It doesn't sound right, does it?

The van burned down.

But it is the only way to say it.

The van burned down.

Yeah, it doesn't work.

You're right.

In your head.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of anything that would sound like a bad thing.

Even a birthday candle.

Oh, it burned down.

Yeah.

My cake's burned down.

Oh, cake's burned down.

It's really bad.

I love the sound of this meal, though.

I like that you're...

Is it pure nostalgia or was it it like genuinely like good versions of that it was the yeah they lived up to their name of all sit best kebab because everyone sort of says that and maybe it was home even hometown pride they were lived they were basically in my house they were in my garden so it's like home pride that it was good but yeah it was good stuff the salad was always fresh great and i'm sorry but it ain't always fresh in a kebab shop and i like red onion that all that i've tried to recreate it now in a vegan way with all the individual ingredients and a kebab van kebab is more than the sum of its its parts if you try and make it yourself it's you just taste all the things you've bought from a shop it is it's not a cohesive thing it's just a pastiche of a meal filled with sadness

yeah what what was going in this kebab then so you had the the salad chicken yeah onion red cabbage very finely diced lettuce and it's the bit of the lettuce that ain't really green it's when they get down to the white bit that's what you get in a salad yeah not cabbage lettuce chili peppers but not done for me chili sauce if i'm really drunk and i haven't drunk for 10 years as well so i remember that feeling of like oh oh this is going to hurt tomorrow but right now it feels so perfect on my little drunken tongue

um so sometimes some chili sauce all the chips and vinegar vinegar no salt vinegar and loads of burger sauce and then the cheeseburger just your cheeseburger that you'd expect from a kebab fan i'm gonna if i may please fill into the uh all vinegar no salt part of that was that what you were gonna ask no i was still thinking i was uh thinking about were you the singer in the grindcore band sorry i can't believe we've glossed over this is our first person who ever had on the podcast who was in a grindcore band yeah Your throat must have been red raw after those gigs, and then you're pouring a big hot kebab down it with loads of chili sauce.

Yeah, yeah.

It's it.

I had a husky voice throughout my team for sure.

Definitely.

Also, I wasn't doing it right.

You're supposed to growl, and there's amazing techniques to do it.

I'm doing it in, and I won't do it near a microphone.

Yeah.

But you're just going

like inwards.

So you're just breathing.

It's horrible.

It's really, really bad.

Sorry about that.

Produced events in.

I didn't say that a lot.

See, line on the pod.

And it's better than that as well.

I've sort of lost lost it.

Yeah, I've lost the heart really

for the next show.

Bring it back for the next show.

It's just that it's so cool thing to be part of.

When you're a kid and there's only one place that you can drink under age, it don't matter what music is playing there.

We were a Grindcor band, we might as well have done anything.

All the kids decided that they loved it because it's where they can come and get drunk for.

And let's be clear, that was your pub.

It was.

It's not there anymore.

It's the Indian restaurant.

It's a drink.

It's the pub that my parents owned.

Yeah,

that's true.

Yeah, I was like a little Richie Rich.

Yeah, it's an Indian restaurant now with a wall-to-ceiling aquarium in it where my bedroom used to be.

Wow.

Fish live there now.

I love it.

I miss being in that band.

I wish I was there.

You must have been there.

So in Catrin, when I was growing up, Sludge Core was the thing.

What is that?

I've never heard of that.

It's very slow.

Right.

Kind of, I guess, a branch of doom metal in a way.

But

blues metal as well.

So blues metal, doom metal kind of of mixed, like very, like, the slower the better.

Raging Speedhorn.

Raging Speedhorn, but like Scourge were the main local band.

They were like the proper sludge band who we all loved.

And they supported Raging Speedhorn at the Roadmender, which is no longer there in Northampton.

We all went to see them, really excited that they were doing this proper venue.

And I was right at the front, and Cliff was the lead singer of Scourge.

He got right up to the front of the audience, and he got the mic, and he was looking around for someone to do a guttural guttural growl.

He just shoved the mic right in my face.

Oh, man.

I could feel the grill of the mic against my teeth, and I didn't know what to do.

Little Christian boy not knowing what to do.

And I just went,

and Toby, who was the bass player who I knew, had his foot right upon the monitor, and he said it.

He said he got that sound right up to him and just started laughing.

Immediately, like, that's too funny.

It's like I sounded like a cookie monster or something.

That's lovely.

Christian Ground metal.

Please, please forgive me.

I used to walk around in steel toe-cap boots with the trench coat and everything.

No shirt, just the trench coat.

Oh, and a cog from a machine that my dad worked in a steel factory and a cog broke and I hung that on a chain around my neck.

I'd walk around on the tips of the steel toe-cap boots, like a sort of a spider, like I'd invented this.

walk that was going to catch on with the goths and I'd be and I'd got really good at it so I'm just always an audio medium well I'd describe it I look like an idiot

and I'd sort of do that and I'd scream at people I remember

I broke up with my first girlfriend when I was like 14 and then she brought her new boyfriend to the gig

and I'd written on my chest in red lipstick in just capillary letters it just said broken heart

oh my god

and that's like and that because it like i normally wouldn't wear

i wore something else wore like sort of a boutoneer type thing as well.

So I could just pull it open.

As if people would see that and go, oh, it's got a broken heart.

Oh, it's probably that.

But like, it doesn't mean anything.

It's the most on-the-nose thing ever.

I'm suiting all sad, suit music, but I just want you to know that it's because I've got a

broken heart.

A Grindcore emo band, basically.

That's great.

Yeah.

I sing him a bar band when I was in a new metal band, not as cool.

He wrote on his chest, also probably in Lipsichord, Permanent Mark, I can't remember.

Susie was here with an arrow pointing down to a stick.

She was there, all the gigs.

How did Susie feel about that?

I think she was in on it.

Yeah.

Yeah, she wrote it.

I think she wrote it for him.

I put it on there.

We didn't know it was going to be there.

It's part of a longer story, which I've told on other things.

He was an absolute maniac.

And that was the final surprise that he had for us one night was that he wrote that on himself.

Our most popular band in our school was called Callus, K-A-L-U-S.

And they played in the tuck shop.

I love that story.

They played a cover of Soulflight Eye for an Eye and the place went off.

Oh, God.

That was brilliant.

I remember that.

Yeah, yeah.

To bring it back around to food,

with my pints of money, what I would do to tuck shop adjacent is I'd go in.

This is so stupid.

I'd go to like the ice cream band, which was like a roaming tuck shop, essentially.

And I'd just buy way too much, like armfuls.

And I'd just like walk out into the crowd of people that are waiting because there's no cues when you're a kid.

And I'd just throw them up in the air.

just bags of no um sweets sorry sorry i really should i really should have grabbed

like bags of um like the those shrimps and gummy bears and throw them up in the air like again like i'm i don't know like a victorian draconian sorta yeah and it didn't it made people flock but that doesn't equate to friendship like i thought it did i thought all these people around because they bloody love me so popular throwing yeah pounds and pounds worth of sweets around wow i mean i think we had like opposite experiences uh of of school and teenagers.

You seem like the most confident.

Like, I absolutely love it.

Just like going around, wearing a big cog around your neck,

throwing sweets around.

You got a Venus fly trap.

I'd done a spell on that cog and put it in the ground because I used to think I was a witch.

Yes, of course.

I'm not even, don't even mind that because it's like, yeah, I'll own up to it.

I thought I had magical powers at one point.

What spell did you put on the cog?

To make all the, I think it was just, there was people that was really mean to me and it was just to make not make them die or go away just for them to leave me alone turn them into because i'd had this thing on my neck for so many gigs i thought it must be infused with all of my power and confidence so i'd done a spell on it and buried it in the beer garden of the pub we lived in so it's just a little patch of dirt where it was i think i dug it out once to get it back and then put it back in again well that could still be there at the indian restaurant yeah yeah definitely

shouldn't be it's a genuinely industrial piece of metal that probably had some radioactive

it broke out of a machine so my dad gave it to me and i fixed it up man i don't know why suddenly i find spells so funny but they are funny spells are funny spells are funny it's funny you cast a spell isn't it it's

i want a little spell

my friend of a sudden my my friend's house and his grandfather bless him was on his last legs like deathbed last legs it's really awkward thing when you don't know that person and i said to him without irony this is so bad i was like 14 and i said to him look

I was like, mate, I know your granddad's dying, but if we can just get to the shop now and you can get me some red thread and a candle

There's a chance I could like make him like last a bit longer with a spell that you know

red thread and candle spell but there's not there's no irony to that I'm not going like it's a gay I'm like I'm gonna do this for you man I love you and I might be able to make your granddad last an extra few hours if you get me the right color thread

Because we were going to see we were going to see Slip Knots There that night and it was going to be a really awkward conversation that we might not be able to go to see it and he I knew that about him and then when he did die and was in the hospital he just he literally turned to his dad and was like does this mean we can not go see slipknot stay and he was like no we will because it's what your granddad would have wanted great yeah yeah it's amazing what people want after they die isn't it they want all sorts of selfish things

they want to do whatever they want

they didn't want that in life never mentioned that in life at all never even a passing interest in either of those parents they want you to go see them tonight quite benito went to see slipknot did you really yeah yeah.

It was very funny.

So I love Slipknot.

And we had Corey Taylor on the podcast.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, and then we got invited to go and see them do a live session at BBC Mode Avail.

Smallest gig they played in 20 years, 100 people in the room.

That's amazing.

And Benito came.

He doesn't have a fucking clue about anything about them.

Everyone else losing their mind.

Benito and his friend Guy stood at the back of Anorax going, what's all this then?

It was great.

Always love the detail that your friends call Guy in the family.

I don't know why I find it funny that Guy went to see some

dream side dish.

All right, then some bombay potatoes.

Because that's your side dish in Indian, and Indian is perhaps the best cuisine for sides.

Yep.

I don't know if that's fair to say.

I think that's a good shout.

It's sort of almost all sides, really, a lot of it, depending on...

Even when you order a main, it comes at the same size as a side, doesn't it, in an Indian restaurant?

yeah so bombay potato and i don't mind a cheap one in a i'd kind of like that it would come in an aluminium rectangle with a bit of paper on top with the little b on it yeah yeah that's just oh i love that yeah the little lit the cardboard lid yeah so exciting like rolling back the foil and taking the little lid off yeah oh yeah and for the nostalgia of it the the table let's say it's this table as well your your lovely round table but i'd have it carpeted with like a white cream carpet yeah because there's nothing like Bombay potato to stain a carpet.

And I really like that.

That devi takes me back.

Chicken teak, the red of chicken teak and the yellow of Bombay on a carpet is not going away.

Yeah, yeah.

So would you be deliberately sloshing it about?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like scoop onto the, onto the thing, rub it around a little bit, like finger painting while I'm eating.

It's like the freedom of that because how many hours have we spent worried about getting food everywhere?

Yeah, yeah.

But it's a messy thing.

Mastication is a messy process.

And yet we've civilized it into this weird thing yeah I want to make mess that's the maybe that's the point of this restaurant really yeah messy mess messy restaurant

banana naan yeah messy it's a banana naan make mess restaurant

um so yes half of it's going on the carpeted table and half's going in my gob my uncarpeted mouth are you still in your underwear for this bit No, I've gotten dressed in a lovely, pristine white dressing gown.

Yeah.

It will also be covered by the end.

Yeah.

I want to see the fallout.

What's the collateral damage that my meal has caused?

Yeah.

That was a good film, collateral.

I just remembered how good that film was.

Do you know what?

Good film.

Like, every time I see it on some listings, I'm bloody tempted.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I was like, that was gripping.

That was great.

He was menacing in that.

It was.

The bit where he drops the bombay potatoes everywhere.

Yeah, exactly.

And Jamie Potter's like, we can't do that, man.

We can't be dropping the bombay potatoes all over the place.

People live here.

The turmeric.

The turmeric's never going to come out.

The turmeric is what it is.

I'm just going to say that.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, fuck that.

Yeah, so.

Fuck that, man.

i i i i was having one of those uh mornings recently where i was feeling like oh you're you're so unhealthy man you need to really turn your life around and you start eating more healthy and i went in a shop i got a turmeric shot i was like this is the first day of the rest of my life and uh took downed it then i was trying to put the top back onto the turmeric shot while i was walking fumbled it dropped the empty bottle it bounced once on the pavement and all of the turmeric that was inside sprayed up on my trousers i was like well that's what i get that's what I get for trying to do a good thing.

Straight to the ice cream shop.

That's what I fucking get.

I then checked the ice cream shop, took two armfuls of it, and I threw them into the crowds.

And I was like, this is how we're living our life now.

Fuck turmeric, man.

Yeah, fuck.

I've got, I don't know why I make a habit of doing this.

I've got like Lego teeth.

Not literally, but like I made, I've made two, I've missing two teeth and I bought these beads off the internet called thermo beads and you make your own teeth, save like loads of money.

I'll show you.

What?

Just like a little Lego tooth.

Right.

Because I've got a gap of the tooth.

And

it comes out bright white.

so you have to put it in a cup of tea for like an hour to stain it to the color of your teeth but a turmeric a shot of that mooky turmeric that you're talking about or any turmeric will make it go bright yellow and I'll sometimes forget a meal's got turmeric in so mid-meal of that and it will show I'll just have a bright yellow sort of prospectus golden tooth like stick out there so then what do you have to do make a new tooth make a new tooth and it's a real hassle because what it is right you get it like a globule of play-doh you can stick it in and it's see-through and you have to keep putting it in and out and in and out as it cools because if you left it in and cooled it it'd expand and you'd never get it out and then you're in trouble.

Likewise, if you left it out, you'd never get it back in, so you have to keep in and in and out as it's trying.

Yeah, and you get, I mean, you didn't ask to see this, but this is a second one I've showed you a bit of my inside.

Imagine the massive finger just coming into my own mouth and grabbing a giant tooth inside of it.

There's absolutely no way you're not recognizing the inside of your own mouth.

Yeah, you go, oh, look, I've got Lego teeth.

You literally just grab a toilet teeth and go, whoa, there it is.

Yeah, it's a chaos in there.

The inside of my mouth, this is going to be as niche a reference as you've ever had on this program.

Probably looks like the opening to that film Zardos.

Do you see that?

No idea.

You know, Zardos.

Yes, we do.

Yes, absolutely.

It's a Sean Connery film where...

Right, okay, so you've seen it in parodies of it, that giant floating rock head that you get in stuff, like in Fan Regile or like whatever, giant head, and loads of guns fall out of it.

It's a film called Zardos from the 70s.

And it's absolutely bizarre.

It's Sean Connery in a red Leot.

No, Leotard, what's the word?

I think I've seen a picture of him.

Yeah, where he's got like long hair and

he's got like, it's like a sort of mandalier's gun.

Yeah, yeah, too.

I've seen pictures of him.

And it gets in that head, which you're not supposed to.

It basically spews up guns for them to kill each other and you don't know why.

And spoiler, there ain't a reason at all.

It's a 70s film.

This is before Jaws, before there was actually a three-act structure to do anything.

So it's just someone's thoughts in a film for two hours.

It gets in that head and he goes to a posh place where people are controlling the film that you're in.

It's a meta-upon meta.

Perfect.

But yeah, inside that head, there's loads of people,

naked people, shrink-wrapped against the walls.

And it feels seven, it feels 70s, but I think maybe it's just not 70s, maybe it's just that film's really weird.

And that's what the inside of our mouth must look like that.

Because there's mysteries going on in our mouths, isn't there?

Really?

It's like the ocean.

It could be naked people cellophane to the roof of my on a good day.

There's naked people in my mouth, yeah.

Yeah, or a bit parts of appendages of, not entire people.

Main question about, was it Zapdos?

Was it called?

Zardos.

You've just quoted a Pokemon, which has made me really happy.

Zapdos, the electronic.

Electronic Pokemon.

Let's love it.

Let's not get away.

I think it was going to get niche than Zardos, but you're not.

You won't let me talk about Pokemon on the podcast.

Let's talk about it.

But in Zardos, when Connery is getting on board the massive flying rockhead, do they let him take the bullet belt on or does he have to send it to his house?

It's oddly, he's the only one on it.

It's an automated thing, so he got away with it.

He's okay,

he's allowed to do what he wants.

Popsicles, Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

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Dream drink.

Right, I am 11 years sober, but I'm going to put some alcohol onto the list because my drink of choice was

a Jager bomb and I miss it dearly.

On a daily basis, I miss that lovely, what's it called?

A digestive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think we could call a Jager bomb a digestive.

But

would you care for a digestive?

We hope you enjoyed your meal.

And there was a cheap version of Jaeger Bomb called Jungfrau that you could get if you were doing it at home, which I sadly did because there's a reason I don't drink anymore.

I drank way too much.

But I had

this dream of like, I didn't go to uni, but had I, I remember researching that at uni, they have like these little beer tasting clubs and things that you can go to in the first week to like, to be friends with people.

And I thought, I'm going to start one of them, but it'll be specifically for Jager bombs that are paired with various different energy drinks.

And we tried different drinks.

And I'd make like a really glossy like pamphlet with all the different

tasting notes, yeah, and how like monsters are different from Redboy stuff.

And I found the perfect pairing because, and I'm sorry to do this to you, Ben, but this is a naughty word to have on a podcast.

Yes, there's an energy drink and an energy drink called pussy energy drink, and they know it's rude because they put a little star over the you.

It's not even

way worse, yeah.

Imagine that, I thought great suddenly just changed the tone completely.

Drunk something called cunt juice.

That's what I was expecting.

Yeah.

There's an energy gen called Pussy, and if you pair it with Jaeger Meister in Jaeger Bum, it tastes exactly like a Marks and Spencer's Percy Pig without a deviation.

It's a fizzy Percy Pig.

Jordan, this is so great, but you can't tell James stuff like that.

Yoda Lee?

This is going to be the end of his life.

Oh, man.

You're telling me Percy's in liquid form now?

He's absolutely having that.

Texting his girlfriend saying, get a crate of pussies.

Yeah, listen.

When we get back, I want to see all the pussy you can get.

So it's a Percy bomb, if you want to call it.

You could call it a pussy pig, or you can call it a Percy Bomb.

I'd go with Percy Pom.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's what I want to submit.

We're going with Pussy Pig.

Yeah, yeah.

Write down Pussy Pig.

Might down pussy pig.

Because

that is what it's called.

Pussy Pig, cocktail, I suppose you call it.

What is a Jaguar bomb?

I mean, it's not.

I wouldn't say cocktail.

But yeah, you're right.

But it's not a shot either, is it?

It's not a shot, and it's not a mixed, it's not like a mixer.

It's not vodka and coke because it is supposed to be downed, which most drinks aren't.

Most mixed drinks aren't designed to do that.

Yeah, most nice.

It's sort of got the energy of a shot, right?

Yeah.

If it tastes like a Percy Pig, I'd want to be sipping this.

It's a long drink.

Perhaps it is a long drink with little pink ice cubes and stuff, like really partnering it up with maybe it's a Marks and Spencer's collab situation.

Yeah, yeah.

It happens have to go

they'd come after you with everything they've got if they knew that you were marketing your own pursy pig drink yeah but they're not also they're not going to sell a pussy pig at the services are they

could i'd at least like to sit in on that and that business meeting

we call the pussy pig on nothing but like oh i mean it sounds great obviously obviously it's it's some of my streets unreal properly used to get me and it's not something you find anywhere so you have to make it at home as well so it's very much a drink to be enjoyed and solid at a friend's barbecue or you can always share it with the pussy and get their party started.

Obviously, I think all Percy pigs are veggie now, aren't they?

They are, yeah.

But the original veggie Percy pigs.

With little green ears.

The little green ears.

Would you say?

So I think they're my favourite Percy pigs.

Where do you stand?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a different texture to

a chewy gummy, isn't there?

You get to recognise them as vegetarians and vegans, like the strawberries.

They're a bit harder.

Basically, a vegan gummy is a little bit harder because of the old gelatine and that you're right and also perhaps one of them on a little cocktail umbrella on the top of it makes lovely lovely little yeah that's a garnish yeah yeah where do where do you stand on percy and friends yeah yeah the pals sorry pals sorry

i like the story of it yeah i like my

what's a story

on the back is it well he's a globetrotting isn't he that's what it's this globetrotting percy that's what it says on the front of one of them right and i think that's because the species bench nodding with such solidarity was so sweet That was so adorable.

I think the animals are more exotic.

So there's like a zebra.

Do you know what the flavour of the Percy Pig is?

I do, and I shall tell you, but do you want to guess at what the actual flavour is?

I've got no idea.

If I can remember,

I think it's raspberry.

You're very close.

Strawberry?

It's strawberry and kiwi mix.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I wouldn't have got that.

I would not have no idea.

And that's what Pussy Energy Drink is.

It's literally strawberry and kiwi, which is why it tastes exactly like it.

I have no doubt that a Percy Pig contains raspberry or did at some point or some variation has raspberry.

Every sheep has raspberry in it.

Yeah, and there's a

coca-cola flavoured cow is is my favourite of the pal.

That is without question.

In fact, I could even retroengineer my cocktail to just be a Jager bomb and coke with one of those sweet cola flavoured cows on the top.

That'd be just as happy with that.

Yeah, I'd love a bag of just the cows if Mark or Spencer are listening.

I would love it if we had a bag of just the cows.

Well they do the drink now, right?

There's a Percy Pig soda that they sell in Marks and Spencer.

That sets everything up, sorry to swear.

It won't be boozy.

Like yours.

It won't be boozy.

But I mean, it's the same general idea.

No, no, no, no.

A virgin pussy pig is what you're saying.

Oh, my God.

That's not.

Watch sales plummet.

Yeah.

What do they call it that?

Oh, I've bought a bottle of this virgin pussy pig.

No, thank you.

Absolutely not.

Nowhere near that.

That's right up my street.

Yeah,

the cow is the best of the pals.

I'm going to hate.

The cow is the best of the pals.

It is nice that he's globetrying and making friends while he's doing it.

The pun.

Marks and Spencer's with Percy Pigs are working backwards from puns, I swear all the time.

They don't go, let's make one that's opposite.

It's a reversi pig.

They go, reversi pig, what's that?

Yeah.

And me and my sister came up with this massive list of like Percy Pigs, like coercy pigs.

And it's like, it's like you buy a meal deal, and then they are obligated professionally to try and upsell you a bag of Percy Pigs, and that's the coercy pigs.

And we made this list that went on forever.

Like, oh, I don't know.

What's another thing that rhymes?

Cursey.

cursey pigs, Cersei pigs, because Cersei was the Greek goddess that turned people into pigs.

Really?

Yeah, Cersei.

That's amazing.

So, like, Cersei pigs, I don't know what the gummy are.

I get the workouts from like well, Cersei pigs, I guess we should turn them into pigs.

There'd be some human-shaped ones in there, and then somewhere it's like halfway between a human and a pig, and then normal curse pigs.

Yeah, they're screwing up.

Screaming in torment is like, Yeah,

or like you put it in water and it expands into a pig, like those toys.

Yes,

well, obviously, you can think of everything.

mercy pigs mercy pigs is really nice

yeah that's the free bag they give you if you feel upset by the coercy pigs

and you feel like and you try to sue they give you a bag of mercy pigs so anyway yes that's my cocktail is a is a percy bomb i shall continue to call it percy bomb call it what you will yeah percy bomb's nice more marketable than a virgin pussy but it's a it's a it's a pussy pig no it's not a virgin no i'm not

called a virgin it's an alcoholic pussy pig yeah yeah yeah yeah very much

yeah

Also, before we move on, it would make me laugh if one of Percy's pals was called Guy.

Yes,

and there's only one per packet, yeah, yeah.

There's one, yeah, and he looks exactly like Benito's friend.

Oh, lucky you, you got the guy.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

What I've very much enjoyed about this conversation is how fluidly we've moved from one into the other, because this is another perfect segue.

My dessert, and I thought long and hard about it, when I was little, we used to get given a pound for pocket money each week and on a friday we'd go to the happy shopper happy shoppers

and they'd have the trays of pick-a-mix sweets yeah that you can't grab you have to say i would like one of them two of them and this behind the glass thing and somebody had to buy one by one and get it out and the woman that worked there loved it and her husband hated it so depending on who you got it's a different shopping experience and i would get them i'd get a pound's worth which was a lot of different things and variety and i'd make this is so stupid as well i'd make dioramas out of my things

um

which is fine because you got like i'd say like a little um a few mice and they live together and then i'd make like a house out of the square things and it's like a diorama then i'd eat it yeah and that was fine and then my mum got uncomfortable with it because i'd start to chew off half of one like a a better gummy baby and then half a jelly snake and i'd stick them together and i'm like well that's it's extended the sort of the mythos the storyline of my diorama yeah and then she said i had to stop when i was about nine because i got i got a jelly baby and a mouse and i was like that looks like a man walking his dog but there's no lead so i just chewed up some gum and then i i stretched it out and i made a lead out of the gum and she saw that and told me i had to stop doing yeah sure fair enough so

then and this is my dessert the next day the next friday even and we went to that shop and we had a babysitter what i fancied a lot right and i'm too young for that babysitter i'll admit it now

that's fine i was nine or maybe ten and um she was really cool and she took us there.

My brother and sister got their pounds worth of sweets, like one, those, please do those.

And I just looked at the guy and I was like,

oh, yeah, get a pound of lemon sherbet, please.

And that was my, like, my childhood's gone.

That was me being an adult.

I was like, I'll have a pound of lemon sherbet.

That was the most grown-up thing you could think of to do.

To show off to the babysitter.

To show off to the babysitter.

And I sat with a spoon shoveling lemon sherbet into my mouth.

That's my night then.

There's one flavor.

That's so disappointing because there's no variety anymore.

No diorama.

Just sitting there like, like my lips had imploded in on themselves with lemon sherbet.

I just babysit like, oh yeah.

And I just have fond memories of it.

So I'd have a I think a bowl is too much.

A bowl of lemon sherbet.

So this is just a lemon sherbet.

A quids worth of lemon.

Yeah, yeah.

A quid's worth of lemon sherbet in a little paper bag that sort of, you know, when you get this, oh, that's just hit me like a proper memory.

When you get the bag, and then you do the flip with the paper bag.

I want it to arrive like that.

Yeah.

Sort of like a Japanese dumpling.

Like a, what are they called?

What's a Japanese dumpling called?

Like a bauer bun or something.

I I want

a geosa.

A geoza.

It's like a little geozer of edible sugar paper filled with lemon sherbet on a beautiful little

you've just elevated it.

If it's edible sugar paper, are you still opening up the bag, eating the lemon sherbets and then or are you just I would be tempted just to pick up the bag all twizzled up and just bite out of it out of the side of it.

It's a very appealing prospect.

Like biting into a bag of sand.

So this is like the sherbet powder, not like the little sweets, right?

No, yeah, it's the it's more grain granule.

It's sort of like lemon sugar.

It's like as if sugar was yellow and hold on a second.

I'm confused.

Yeah, you're thinking of the sweets.

Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking of the sweets.

Are they sherbet lemons and lemon sherbet?

Yeah, see what you mean?

Yeah, no, this is just like sugar.

It's yellow, sour sugar.

That's even more insane.

It's literally the powder that's inside sherbet.

It was mad that you just ordered the sweets.

A pound of them.

I didn't know you'd ordered just a pound of sherbet.

Yeah, it's like, because then you're just shoveling sugar into your cup.

But it felt like the most grown-up thing because it's also like sour, which is is like away from the sweet end of the spectrum the kiddy end of the spectrum yeah i'm just gonna shovel lemon into my mouth for it to be proper grown up you should have wrapped up lines of it on the on the on the on the coffee table put the nice your face into it like scarf don't mind if i uh if i indulge do you and it'll live in cards just like yeah

uh

but perhaps because the sugar paper you write that is really appealing bite into it and just let it all pour out yeah but perhaps you much like one of those chocolate fondants so ice cream and chocolate and you pour hot something hot caramel and it melts maybe you take your pussy pig and you just pour it on let me show you and you've got this sandy sugary mush and you sort of eat that at your leisure or just watch it i'd find it hard to resist doing that i think i'd have a bit of the sherbet yeah but then sooner or later i'm gonna pour the pussy pig over it i like i like the way we agreed with percy bomb we agreed on percy bomb about five minutes ago and now everyone's just gone back to pussy pig yeah

you're right yeah it's hard to get away from it is the catcher of the two yeah and that's the only meal that that I'd want company for.

I'd want that babysitter

at that age.

No, that's bad.

No.

How old?

She's like, oh, she's probably 19.

Can we break an average of how old she was then and how old she is now?

Do you want to be the age you were then?

I do want to be the age.

Of course, it is older.

I want to be 14.

It's about to fine.

No, yeah, I want to be old enough that it's conceivable.

But do you have all your thoughts and memories that you have now?

Because that...

Yeah, that's not all right.

Then you're the one with the power again.

Yeah.

You can't go, I wish I was 14 again with all of my thoughts now.

Yeah.

I can chat up a 19-year-old babysitter.

Yeah, you're right, no.

All the baddies think to themselves.

And then I'm going to do a spell on the babysitter.

I'll do a spell.

I'll pay the shepherd.

Bow the shepherd.

I'll do a spell.

Then you'll fall in love with me.

I'd like just you to track her down now, then that's fine.

Just how she is now.

What's her full name?

There's probably a million

who can decide if he bleeps it or not.

It's coming out.

Can't you stay in?

You can bleep you could you could bleep that that'd be funny.

Yeah, yeah,

it's true.

Yeah, you did you the first time just bleep juice

That is perhaps the what the name that I'd give to the the end result of my dessert after you've poured everything on that's yeah

I think it is

I mean that that that uh carpeted table is That's a write-off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You never get to take that home.

It's like Harry Ramson's when you get a a certificate for eating all those chips and yeah we used to don't do it anymore my dad my dad did that once we went to harry ramson's yeah you had to eat um yeah

yeah come on you had to eat like a massive it was like double portion of chips wasn't it and like a huge bit of uh bit of fish and mushy peas and a double mushy peas i think and if you ate all of it you got a free pudding and we were on our way somewhere we were on the motorway and he did that and he finished it got a free pudding did you respect it no the waitress came over and went we had some japanese tourists the whole family in the other day and they shared one of those.

That made him feel worse.

Harry Ramston is man.

Yeah.

It's a funny name.

Voice makes me love it.

Harry Ramston is funny.

Yeah, it is funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Hello, my name's Harry Ramston.

What?

Are you joking?

You like to say it that way is the way you say Ramston is quite funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You come in with a soft R.

Anything with an R, he loves saying it.

Yeah, yeah, I love saying it.

It's funny.

Banana Rama.

Banana Rama.

I'll say that.

Banana, nana.

I'll say that if you like.

I'll say that.

I'll play it.

Yeah, banana.

I know we've given Gwen Stefani the job, but surely banana rama are in with a shout of advertising the banana.

Banana naan.

Yeah.

Banana na na.

Banana nana.

Banana naan.

How did we never get to that?

Fucking why have we not done that?

Oh, that took too long.

I'll give you your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Thanks.

Water.

You want sparkling water?

Yes, please.

Pognos or bread.

Banana naan.

I deliberately love the pause.

Yeah.

Starter, burrata caprese salad.

From the gaucho?

Yep.

Yep.

Main course, chicken kebab, chips and burger sauce and cheeseburger from Ausset Best Kebab.

Side, Bombay Potatoes.

Drink, the pussy pig.

Dessert, one pound of lemon sherbet with the babysitter.

If I can just quickly amend that last one, a pound's worth rather than a pound in weight.

Pounds worth.

A pound's worth.

Pounds worth, not a pound in weight.

Yeah.

One One quids worth served by the wife and not the husband of the happy shopper.

That's so sweet that you remembered that.

Yeah.

That's great.

Yeah.

We don't want

the husband.

One happy shop.

Do you want a pounds worth as it was then or as it was now?

Then.

Oh gosh.

Because you barely get any toast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bloody economy.

Not worth it.

Thanks so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Jordan.

Thank you very much.

It's been so joyous.

Thank you, Jordan.

Lovely boys.

There we are.

Thank you very much to Jordan for coming in.

Thank you, Jordan.

A wonderful menu.

Wonderful insight.

I don't think it was a wonderful menu.

No, I think it was a lovely, nostalgic menu.

Yes.

And I like those ones too, where it clearly means a lot to someone.

It sort of triggers memories with them of a good time.

That's not one of the menus where I'm like, I can't wait to go to Ausset Bas Kebab.

Sure.

I can't.

It's burnt down.

The van burnt down.

The van burnt down.

I mean, obviously, I want to try the pussy pig.

Yeah, James James wants to try the pussy pig.

So obviously I'd like to do that.

So that's, you know.

Do you promise to record a video of you trying the pussy pig?

Yes, if I ever.

Hey, if I ever sample the pussy pig.

You heard it here.

James is going to try the pussy pig.

He's going to take a video of it and we'll put it on the off-menu social media accounts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it might be retweeted by Jordan, who is tall dark friend on social media.

Follow her on all platforms and look out for anything that Jordan's doing.

And thank you, Jordan, for not saying the secret ingredient.

Didn't say quail.

No quail.

Really appreciate it.

Corsica Beskebab do not do quail.

Imagine if they did, they won't be burning that place down if it had us a quail in it.

No way, maybe they would have, maybe they would have gone run out of money, yeah, they would have been quite corrupt a lot quicker.

Yeah, if they had quail, big left turn to say, we do quail now, yeah, yeah.

Bad luck, you better burn that place to the ground.

Um, thank you so much to Jordan.

Don't forget to listen to her podcast, Transplaining.

Bye-bye, we'll see you next week.

See you later, sockers, soccers.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.