Ep 204: Carol Vorderman

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, chopping the apple of humor and throwing that into the fruit salad.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Gaster.

We own a dream restaurant, and every week we invite a guest in and ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Carol Vordeman.

We are well and truly in Nash Treas territory, James.

And Carol is the first National Treasure we've had on the podcast who could open up that treasure chest, count all the money, and tell us exactly how much is in there to

the pound.

It's not money in there, though, is it?

It's other people.

Oh, is it a treasure chest full of all the people?

Well, national treasures.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, I was...

What do you think the national treasure chest is?

Full of treasure.

And that's what represents them.

It's more of a...

Oh, right.

But then as soon as the treasure chest opens, Carol's going to turn into a coin.

Is that how it works?

They turn to a coin and they're in the chest forever.

Wow.

That's nice.

Yeah, it's nice.

That must be comforting.

Yeah.

Carol, of course, everyone knows Carol Vordeman.

I grew up watching Carol on Countdown.

Me too.

Then we got to see our friend Joel Domet, the comedian, go into the jungle with Carol.

Yes.

And these days, not only does she have a fantastic podcast, but also is bringing out a new book, Carol Vordeman's Perfect 10.

Yes.

This is based on her podcast.

It's sort of 10 quiz questions a day for the podcast.

And that's what the book is sort of a little bit like that.

I mean, there's some interesting questions in there.

Maybe, you never know, James, when Carol's in the dream restaurant, maybe she'll quiz us on some stuff.

I really hope so.

I love being quizzed.

I love little brain busters.

You do love little brain busters.

Unless it's on television, and then you have a meltdown just before you're about to film it.

I don't know what you're referring to.

I can find the texts from when you were in the mastermind dressing room if you want.

Oh yeah, they put the pressure on you.

They don't.

Very excited to have Carol on, but if Carol does pick a secret ingredient, ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we will be forced to kick her out at the dream restaurant.

And I hope that doesn't happen, Ed.

No, me too.

And the secret ingredient this week is...

Alphabeti spaghetti.

Alphabetti spaghetti, of course, a cheeky little nod and a wink to Carol's life as the countdown letters and numbers lady.

Yes, so you know, I mean, maybe if Carol ate alphabetti spaghetti, she would, you know, see it as one massive anagram on her plate and be forced to rearrange them into words and sentences.

Yes.

Make sense of her meal.

Also, it's disgusting, alphabeti spaghetti.

Doesn't taste good.

Too slippery.

Too slippery and slimy.

Doesn't taste better.

I'd rather have spaghetti hoops.

Yeah, of course.

But I wouldn't want to have the...

Little, you know, the little stubby, little mini spaghetti strands that come in the sauce.

I don't like those.

The hoops reign supreme for me.

Hoops and sausages for me.

Oh yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Maybe a sausage just wearing a hoop like a belt.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Sexy sausage.

Little sexy sausage.

This is the off-menu menu of Carol Ross.

Carol Vordeman.

Welcome, Carol, to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, thank you.

I'm very excited.

Welcome, Carol Vordeman, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've really been seeing you for some time.

I had a lot of saliva in my mouth when I did that one, and I really had to hold it all in.

It was just very difficult.

Yeah, the traditional genie would explode out of the lamp, and there'd be like steam and stuff.

I know.

I was expecting quite a lot of dry ice.

Yeah.

A la

stars in their eyes.

Yes.

I was expecting that amount.

So I'm quite disappointed, really.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting a mouthful of saliva.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I wasn't expecting it.

I think you can see it on my face.

Yeah, well, there we go.

Have you ever been on Stars on your life?

Did you ever do the saliva?

I did.

I was the very first person on it.

Wow.

Yes.

I was an appalling share.

Yeah, really, really bad.

And it was back in, I remember it because somebody shit was laughing at it the other day again.

And 1998 it was.

And the boss of ITV was a guy called David Lidterman, who was a genius boss.

And he came up with this this idea.

And it was the first ever celebrity version of a normal show.

Oh, wow.

And he said, I've got this idea, Carol, you know, that, because I used to do a lot of shows for ITV peak time then.

And he said, I know you love Stars in Their Eyes.

He said, what do you reckon?

I went, oh, that's genius.

He said, yeah, get like famous people to do it.

Absolutely genius.

He said, and you're one of them.

What?

If you'd known that he was planning on asking that, you would have got, I don't think it's a good idea.

It's a terrible idea, David.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they persuaded me to do Cher and it was really weird.

So it was Matthew Kelly, obviously, tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be.

And then when we were recording, and I had literally never sung through a microphone in my life.

I mean, I'm a bit of a party animal, so you'd always find me on a table somewhere singing.

But it's all right when you're drunk, isn't it?

Because you just hear you as, you know, I was a cross between

Cher and Cylon, Celine Dion, and all the rest.

I was amazing, except I wasn't.

And then when you got this microphone and they did all the dry ice and they go, tonight, Matthew.

And then everybody does their tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be.

And then you all go into makeup and they spend hours in makeup to

transform everyone.

Then you come back in and you do your performances.

So I was on first and then all this dry ice, you know.

Well, I couldn't see a thing and I'd chosen the sheep shoop song and there's no musical intro.

You know, normally it's like, hey, and everyone goes mad and then you walk down the steps to like four bars of music and then you stand in the microphone no I came through everyone went ah because I've been like little Carol Woodworld on countdown you know here she was like this incredible tart in leather

everyone screamed I couldn't hear a thing and then I thought oh there's the music I better start whereas by that point it's too late

so I was like dirty

Do it again.

Did it twice.

And I was literally, the tears were involuntarily falling down my cheeks.

And I thought, I can't,

I said, I can't hear the music.

And you know how in light entertainment, everyone's like really cynical, aren't they?

They go, don't worry, love, we've got the shot of you coming through the ice.

We've got the shot.

Just stand on the top of the steps, start, you know, and all of that.

So let you pick it up.

So that's not the version that went out.

They matched it, obviously, with the walkthrough.

Yeah.

But it's not.

Up to an hour later.

Yeah.

The audience, like, yeah, all right, okay, come on, let's get through this.

And then Matthew said to me, texted me on the night of transmission because it went out months later.

I couldn't watch it.

Yeah.

I literally felt sick.

I thought, my career, that's it.

It's over.

And my cousin Pam was downstairs because she's sort of half-lived with us watching it with my mum, who lived with us when I was married.

And she shouted, she went, don't worry,

don't worry, Carol.

Don't worry, love.

It's a good job you can count.

This was after it was a thing.

That was Pam.

And then Matthew texted me and he said, I think we might have a bit of an audience.

I've just been supermarket shopping in Ermston, which is where he's from in Manchester.

He said, there's no one around, which was the sign.

I think it got like 17, 18 million viewers or something.

I mean, it was like, you know,

the equivalent of the coronation.

Do you know what I mean?

It was that sort of thing.

Oh, I died.

I did.

Sorry, it was a long long story, but I absolutely died for months.

I love that.

Because obviously this is all so pre-social media that the way you could tell that lots of people were watching something is if the supermarket was empty.

Yeah.

Just go shopping in Ermstone.

Literally, because you had to watch it, didn't you?

You had to watch it live.

So, you know, I still can't sing.

But anyway,

we're not going to ask you to sing today.

Oh, good.

Could you do another genie thing, though?

Now, imagine that you're at the top of the steps and you've got the dry ice.

Yeah, we're going to do it.

You're allowed to do a retake.

Tonight, Carol, I'm going to be a genie.

Welcome, Carol Vordeman, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Better.

That was pretty good, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was better.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

Matthew Kelly vibe.

Yeah, but let me pick it up.

Plug that into the early one, Benita.

Maybe look cool.

Anyway, it's a delight to be here.

Really happy to talk to you about food today.

Find out what your

special.

Ben laughed at me because I never say, really, really happy to talk to you about food today.

I've never said that.

But it sounds like a catchphrase.

Yeah, yeah.

But it really isn't.

Never said it about food today.

Never said it.

It's like he's talking to his aunties.

It's like, oh,

I've got like my auntie Carolyn, and I better be like polite.

Yes.

Well, we're going to be very polite.

We're going to be polite boys, yeah.

Yeah, we're

going to be extra polite today.

No, don't be extra polite.

Well, you know our friend Joel Domit, you're in the jungle with him.

Yeah, he says you're not polite at all.

No, I'm not.

i like well it's a northern thing isn't it yeah well like you said it's like just insult me and i'm at at ease yeah yeah what was he like in the jungle joel it was funny they were all funny we had a lovely time there was yours was the series where everyone got on yeah and properly got on there were a lot of romances going on it was jordan banjo and and adam thomas and wayne bridge and Joel and Larry and they just they just got on and then the girls got on and it was, I don't know, it was just a lovely time, really.

It was, yeah.

And obviously, Joel did really well after.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, which is wonderful.

Did you have to eat anything gross in the jungle?

Yes, I did the eating challenge with Scarlett.

I was about to say Scarlett O'Hara, you wouldn't even know what I'm talking about.

Scarlett Roffit.

And

well done.

Yes.

Well done, frankly, Carol.

Auntie Carol.

so yeah it was scarlet and it you don't know what you know when you're there and it's when somebody's eating a kangaroo's testicle for instance

what do you do when you're sitting next to them so i was just going chew chew

i saying this mentioned scarlet just went will you shut up she went i know shut up but yeah you're right there yeah yeah just shut up really so you didn't have to eat the kangaroo tail no i did because it alternated you know i'd come with this big yeah you know uh thing with like the silver what do they call it

closh thank you and and that would come and then they describe what it was and they normally like reeked of stuff yeah and and it was the chewiness of everything yeah so you couldn't just go yeah i was better when we had the hunger games or hungry games yeah

thank you held it in imploded and uh it's sneeze and saliva with this i know i don't know what the hell's happening

embarrassing

and so and then we were in the hunger games and i'm very good in like if i'm on a team yeah i'm not so good when i'm like as an individual being competitive but when i'm part of a team you really want to win

because i am so competitive it was hungry games so you can imagine no team against team and then they had mushed up like blended all this horrible stuff i was all right with that because i didn't have to chew it

it was the chewy the texture more than anything yeah.

So what was that, like hundreds of kangaroo bollocks?

Oh, and all that sort of shit.

Yeah, and ostrich, whatever they do, ostrich anus or, you know, I mean, it was like blended, but blended.

Yeah, yeah, it was blended.

Fish eyes, blended fish eyes or something.

Whereas

eating a fish eye.

Huh?

Ostriches?

Cloaca or something.

It'd be a cloaker, wouldn't it?

The ostrich?

Would it be?

Well, yeah, because they're like, they're birds, right?

But I don't know whether it would have an apron.

So they claimed.

True.

You're not sure if an ostrich ostrich is a bird or not.

Have you met an ostrich?

I have, actually.

And it doesn't fly.

No, that's true.

No.

Yeah, it's a bloke.

In an outfit.

Yeah, it's a bloke in an outfit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brandy Clifton.

They're big things, though, aren't they?

They're massive.

Oh, yeah, Rodholes and Hemu, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a smaller version.

Yeah, yeah.

I love those.

Have you seen them when people go on to stag dudes and stuff, particularly at like rugby things, where they have the outfits where they are like the ostrich, so that they are rod

and then their legs go into the ostrich ostrich legs yeah or emu legs yeah and then it sticks out yeah

no it's not rod hull was the other comedian

yeah i love those i want one of those actually yeah i think they're such a like i've seen them so many times but every time they do make me laugh yeah they just do

it does play that optical illusion every single time yeah yeah well it really does

yeah yeah stupid i think you should get one who's who's who's the one who's got orville uh keith harris that's Keith Harris, yeah.

What if you were in the jungle and they lifted up the closh and it was just Orville's face?

And they killed it.

Well,

it depended what the prize was.

Yeah.

You would happily eat Orville if it was for something delicious.

Yeah, you might have to.

Yeah.

For the team.

For the team.

For the tape.

For the team, yeah.

And we're very excited because your Perfect 10 quiz book is coming out.

Yes.

September 14th.

400.

September 14th.

400 questions yeah in this quiz book you're going to do like 10 a day it's called perfect 10 and it started as a podcast in january it's done really really well and so i want it i didn't want it to just be general knowledge and all of that so we've got like a riddle a day there's a memory round where we will play you something on the podcast and then just ask you a question about what you've just heard there's a hearsay round so say what you hear and all of this kind of stuff and some of the sort of we call it the three f's they're like little fun questions so you don't have to have studied the Tudors and Stuarts at school or Shakespeare or something boring like that to get the answers and it really has taken off so it's 10 questions 10 answers all done in 10 minutes yeah on the podcast which is about long enough isn't it when you're commuting and everyone goes oh I've only got seven oh and if you get 10 it's like oh hello it's crying down the street today and this is the book version so it's all very new and we've done uh see and say or say say what you see in this but it's funny as well you know and then little bits of information so it's good and it's a good laugh and you can write your answers and it keeps your brain active everywhere and it keeps you

test us on any of them

yeah i damn prepped that bit okay so oh right so we have a thing called two in two out so um so i give you a word I spell it out.

You can take two letters out.

They all remain in the same position.

Yeah.

And put two letters back in to make what I'm going to go.

Okay.

So

the word in your head, Ed.

Which two letters can you change in the word tickets, T-I-C-K-E-T-S, to get a famous Victorian author?

Dickens.

Take the T's, basically.

Yeah.

And put D and N.

Correct.

You see?

Good man.

One point to you.

I was worried because I wasn't going to be able to think of any Victorian authors.

And then by the time...

Well, I can only think of one.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's what I did.

Yeah.

I just thought of the only one that I know.

Yeah, the main one.

So that's kind of, you know,

I'm living.

And then...

See, I feel great now for the rest of the day.

And Ed feels awful.

I feel really bad now, Carol.

Do you?

Should I ask you to do that?

You're not too good on the words then?

No, I'm quite good on the words.

Normally.

Didn't seem to be that.

I like the floors.

Are you good on languages?

I like the words ones, but we can do another one.

We can do a language one.

Okay, we can do another one.

We can do a language one.

I say you like the words ones, but actually speak louder than the words.

Well, I've won loads of TV Chris shows.

and now I'm trying to find you an easy one I'm weakest link okay this is a nice one this is because it's um carol lateral thinking we call this okay so this is a bit of number work what will come next in this sequence no no this is a disaster no it's not okay 10 20 40 80 yeah yeah 160 320.

do you know what's happening there 640.

well done yeah there we go you see that's good thank you so some of them are not yeah you gave me you gave me an absolute under arm there, Carol.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, yeah.

It's fine.

And you have to use the phrase, do you see what's happening there

to help him along?

And it did help.

It did help.

Now, something's happening there.

Do you see what's happening?

Do you see what's happening there?

Edward.

Sucks.

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Where was Dr.

Dream Mail was still a sparkling water?

Well, that's an easy one for me.

So because we're going out,

it's got to be sparkling.

Yeah.

Because it gives you a little sense of occasion, I would say.

And this is honestly what I always order in a restaurant.

So it's, oh, can I have a sparkling water, please?

And can I have a jug of fresh lime juice?

Lovely.

Have you ever had it?

No, but it sounds good.

It is really, really refreshing.

That is genuinely what I always have.

I'm not so keen on water, though.

It's just a bit...

bland isn't it so you have to have something in it but the lime juice is really really good.

How much lime juice are you adding?

So, well, you have a splash.

Yeah.

So it sort of clouds the water and it gives it a little taste.

And it's very interesting about how much comes in the jug.

Yeah.

Because some people just give you like a little squirt, really.

Yeah.

They've only taken half a lime.

Well, that's no good, is it?

What you've done with the water?

And I've ordered a big bottle

of sparkling water.

That's no good.

And then others come back with it.

It's almost like a milk jug.

And then

they've gone and juiced, you know, a thousand limes for miss baldeman you know and then and then there comes in this like liter can

so yeah it's um

i love that you've got a move every time you go into a restaurant is the sparkling water with a jug of fresh lime that is genuinely what i asked for yeah and it is and it's lovely it's really lovely it refreshes the palate when i say things like that you're going to say she's a real foodie i'm not i will disappoint you for the next half an hour believe me my choices

but that would be yeah that would be it but what i wanted to do yeah was just discuss because it, because

the time our dream meal starts will actually determine what it is that I choose.

So my favourite meal is a long lunch.

Yeah.

It's got to start.

You know, boring people go, oh, should we go for lunch?

Should we go for lunch, Ed?

I go, yeah, I'll see you at 12.30 and I'll be gone by two.

No.

No, not.

What's the point?

No.

That's like, well, I'll have a bowl of soup.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

However, what I want this dream meal to do, because Richard Whiteley and I, my gorgeous Richard Whiters, used to go for long lunches.

And we held the record when we were in London for quite a few of the longest lunches in various restaurants, including the Woolsey.

So you'd start about 2.33,

minimum of five hours.

Wow.

Tending towards the 10 hours.

You and Whiteley.

That's not a lunch anymore then, is it?

It's a long lunch.

You've tipped into dinner as well.

Yeah.

no it's a long lunch it's one meal so then you like space it out a little bit you say well i'll order the next course in about half an hour now come back in half an hour and now and it's amazing because you get to bed at a reasonable time yeah because if you go out for dinner you go oh my time well let's go out for dinner and yeah sorry joe let's go out for dinner

carol and i go out

to dinner and go oh what time should we meet oh we'll have a cocktail at seven we'll meet at eight then if you have six hours you are wasted the next day aren't you because you get like four hours kip and after the long lunch this is what we're having today what what time would you finish filming countdown so that we always did countdown in leeds

so we'd film three in the afternoon and then we'd have a tea break dinner break whatever you call it we called it a tea break up there and then you do two in the evening wow yeah so there was no there was no time for long lunches while you were filming no so that's why we may used to make up for it at other times nice we had a laugh though I bet.

Yeah, such a laugh.

I mean, because he was the best company, Richard.

Yeah, that's lovely.

You're not guaranteed that on jobs, are you?

When you turn up on the first day and you get on with someone so well,

it took quite a few years to get to that point.

We did it, yeah.

But what we had back then, and it's not like, oh, back in the day, but.

Yorkshire Television, so in the studios, so there were like three big, two big studios, and Emma Dale was down the road, you know, and all of this.

And there was a Yorkshire tele bar.

So you go in the bar and everyone was there.

So there was no like grading of whether you were on camera or off camera, whatever.

So my, my boys, as I called them, are props, men really, were my boys, would be in there.

So you, and then Richard and then Jimmy Tarbuck or, you know, people who were doing, I don't know, Alan Bastard, Drick Mayle or whoever was, they used to do a lot of sitcoms that they'd record on a, on a Friday night and they'd rehearse on the Thursday.

everyone was in the bar just everybody keith barron you know all these like great comedy people and then you'd just be having a laugh really and sort of discussing the show and drinking whatever you were drinking and it was all contained and happy and then you went back in the next day and everyone's had a good night out but it was just lovely yeah it was it was very special time to be honest because of course all of that you know the bar stopped and all of that i sort of see why but also sort of see why you lose something you do lose something nice memories for you yeah they're lovely lovely memories yeah yeah yeah i went i was in um in in those like uh later countdown days i was in a lot of bands around northampton and uh when richard passed away that we had a big memorial gig for him and uh did you yeah there was a big because a lot of the a lot of the people in the bands were you know unemployed so uh

we were very big with with the announcements.

And yeah,

my friends, the retro spankies, released a single that was a tribute to,

yeah, to um, what was the name of the band?

The retro spankies, okay, that's what the band was called.

Okay, and uh,

love that very good stuff, probably an anagram or something as well.

I don't think it needs to be.

Oh, that's wonderful, man.

Yeah, you can probably still find that single on Spotify and whatever.

Oh, I'll look for that.

Oh, and thank you because it was so loved.

Yeah, yeah.

Genuinely, properly, properly loved.

And few people are loved that much, you know, because he was all in it, boots and all.

Do you know what I mean?

We were like, when we did it, it just was a dream.

You obviously have a very special relationship.

Yeah.

And you don't always have that, do you?

No, no.

And you go, oh, I did a lovely show the other night with XYZ and that and that was great.

That's a good show, cracking show.

But then you have a special thing and it is special.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we chose to do this together, but you were like thrown together, I guess.

Yeah, we were.

Yeah, I was 21.

God, I can't imagine being 21.

Unmarried.

Yeah.

I've had a few since then, but he said, don't worry.

But it was wonderful.

And Richard used to say, because I was married twice and he'd go, and one of our lines was, and he was married once.

then they got divorced about a year later.

And he always used to say, because he used to do the local show calendar,

which like local news you know like london tonight or whatever on itv and he always used to say yes and i wore a black tie for a year and nobody noticed

he was famous for his ties yeah

famous and we had no one noticed you were saying you know how big it was with students which it was because it was on at like four four thirty in the afternoon after lectures and so on and it was i mean it was five million a day who used to watch countdown different times though weren't there you know there were only four channels that was was the time to go shopping.

Yeah, did you?

Well, I should go shopping.

All the supermarkets were countdowns on.

Well, it would be.

And everyone's nana had taken like the telephone off the hook.

Yeah.

Don't, yeah.

Don't you dare knock on the door.

Don't you dare ring me while Countdown's on, you know, all of that.

And it was just

this joy.

And Richard, with his ties, so the students came in in the later years, we would often have an audience of students, a whole audience, particularly in the evenings, who were younger than the show.

You know, we'd been going 22 years or something and they were all like 18.

And then one night they came in and everybody was in like this garish jacket and a bloody awful tie, you know, and lovely.

And we go, oh, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

I love your ties.

I go, oh, yeah.

We've all come as Richard Whiteley tonight because there'd be like just over 100 in the audience.

And they'd all like from Leeds and Leeds met, you know.

And we'd go, oh, that's fantastic.

And Richard came into the studio and he was so chuffed and i said well how'd you get the outfits oh we all went to our dads and said can you give me your worst jacket and your worst time and rich was just like oh that's amazing you know we just loved it when people made an effort yeah yeah and there was a great love that's the thing it was just like we're all in the joke together yeah to me

yeah very very happy time yeah and you were a part of both of you just a part of people's lives because you're on every day and every day the most regular thing that people have steady yeah and when something rude came up that awful one that begins with cu that you see on uh and ends in ps that never happened

yeah you see that on a meme quite a lot that never happened

we wouldn't have had that one but some did come up and then we'd have to like keep a straight face you know i mean it was all about keeping a straight face and then of course in the early days you know they'd go no cut cut cut you will have to do it again oh really yeah but then if you'd got a six and you'd got a seven james then we had to sort of yeah do it so that the scoring was yeah of course because if i yeah if i'd got a six and then james got a rude seven

yeah but it was allowed yeah then we had to re-record it but give you a different seven to say gotcha does that make sense yeah yeah that makes sense yeah because we couldn't have a rude word is that in your perfect 10 quiz book is the no it isn't rude word rude word countdown that's not in that no rude word countdown happened in the bar after yeah

Pop-doms or bread.

Pop-looms or bread, Camel Vordament.

Pop-doms on bread.

They're not poppadoms because they are just like congealed dust, as far as I'm concerned.

I don't think we've ever had them described as congealed dust before.

They are, though, aren't they?

That's what everything is in the world, isn't it?

Is it?

Well, yes,

dust to dust.

Dust to dust.

Ashes to ashes.

No, not no, not poppa doms, because when I do them, so somebody told me that you should get a pile of pop-a-doms and punch them.

Yeah.

Is that right?

Shall I be mother?

Yeah.

some some and then they and then they go like bite-sized pieces and then you're meant to get a spoon and load the chutney and everything well that's not what i've ever done no so i would like break a bit off yeah dip it in the chutney and then it just stays in the chutney yeah bite stuff in yeah yeah yeah well what's the point of that so would you do that every single time you had poppadoms yeah because sometimes it's good to carry on doing this yeah yeah

and then go this doesn't work i told you this didn't work yeah you basically got to make little crisps out of them.

I find that.

Yeah, I'm not a who's a Poppadom fan here.

I love them.

I love them, but I would always, I always choose bread.

I would choose bread every time.

But James chose Poppadoms once when we've done our menus.

Well, no, I think it gave it a shout out.

Both times we did our menus, I chose bread, but they were very specific breads.

Whereas actually, broadly, you're a Poppadom.

I would say

that's what I'm talking about.

What do you have on your Poppadoms then?

Everything.

I love lime pickle.

I like mango chutney.

I like the writer.

And now I like the writer.

Yeah.

I like the onions.

Yeah.

I do like onions, as you will find.

It's good to.

I think it's good to kick off a meal with raw onions just to prove that it's the end of it.

It's the end.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not going out after that.

A long lunch?

Would you pick up a long lunch?

A long lunch?

A long lunch.

Well, yes.

Well, so it would always be bread, but I never buy bread because it hits my stomach.

I'm not very good with bread.

And then every now and again, like about every couple of months, I think, oh, God, because I love bread.

Yeah.

So I buy, I buy a loaf, you know, one of these, what does artis, artists?

Artisan?

Yeah, artisanal.

Artisanal.

Yeah, artisan.

You know, I don't know.

It's such a pumpsy word though.

It is.

It's such a pumpsy thing.

It's like homemade, fancy.

Yeah.

It's just fancying twice the price because of the word.

Yeah, you can add four quid to it, basically, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I fall for it every single time.

Even though I know it's a rip-off.

It's a sucker.

But yeah, I mean, it's a complete sucker, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

But yeah,

that sort of thing.

So you insist that it has artisan engraved

crust he doesn't understand numbers does he doesn't really know how much it is unless you're there going and what's next said in the sequence

he doesn't know he doesn't know it's twice as much as the other yeah

rather than counting out the money yes absolutely

i love contactless can't count out the money also i don't like i didn't like cash in shops anyway when when it used to be the the main thing when they give you change back and they put um the note down and then put the coins on top of the note yeah hate that so you're you'll pick that up yeah how are you meant to pick that up Yeah.

Put the coins in my hand first and then give me the note in my other hand.

Yeah.

Why don't you put it on top of the note?

Ah, yeah.

Otherwise, I've got to do a magician tablecloth trick to try and keep all the coins in there.

It's fun there.

Oh, can we do that at our long lunch?

Yeah.

At the magician's tablecloth.

The magician's tablecloth trick.

I am crap at it, but I love it.

You've tried it?

Yeah, many times.

Many times.

But you have to do the whole thing, don't you?

You stand up.

I can do this.

And everyone goes, no, you can't.

No, you can't.

No, you can't.

And you go, I can do it.

I'm promising you.

I can do it.

and then you persuade them and then you're doing it all

is that you and richard were banned from loads of restaurants for long lunches because you tried to do the magician's table banned as such

maybe we didn't return struggle to get bookings the next time yeah

but it's a good trick yeah oh yeah it's always entertaining and let's be fair if you're going on a long lunch you want to leave a memory behind yeah okay or a mess so at the end of the lunch you want to do the magician's tablecloth trick carnage frankly is underrated yes yeah it is

i think benito agrees yeah you know people try and keep calm about everything now and it's like come on let's get a bit of wild in here yeah yeah and the magician's trick tablecloth trick is a very good one yeah although i would recommend removing the glasses beforehand but then where's the carnage carnage have you been to a greek restaurant recently you know where they smash the plates i'm aware of the the trope yeah yeah i haven't been for a long time it's just sort of ignited that.

I've never seen them get smashed.

Haven't you?

I've never been to Greek restaurants.

There should be more plate smashing in the world.

Yeah, and not just in Greek restaurants, in any restaurants, yeah.

Exactly.

Wakes you up.

Yeah.

Gets you through to the next round.

And you can enjoy two sets of crockery.

Yeah.

Well, so they're going to bring out another set of crockery for you after you smashed up the first lot.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

I think you've got to keep the glasses on the tablecloth.

I think once you start removing stuff, then you're just taking a tablecloth off a table.

So I think you've got to have...

Do you think I do?

Yeah.

You've got to have all of this plastic.

This is your dream meal, though, so you can smash stuff up.

Oh, let's do it.

Actually, if it's your dream meal, surely you want to be able to do it properly.

I think, though, I would save it until after the mains, which we're going to have to negotiate.

Okay.

And before the dessert, which we're also going to have to negotiate.

There's a lot of negotiation.

There is such a lot of negotiation to be able to do.

We should get to your starter then in that case.

So it would be bread and it would have like yellow Welsh butter with like salt crystals on it.

Yes,

any particular Welsh butter that you want to shout out?

No, no, no, just Welsh.

Just as long as it's Welsh.

Yeah, so I'm from a long line of Welsh tenant farmers.

My Tyde, as we were saying, North Wales, my grandfather, he was.

I grew up in North Wales.

So all my uncles, stepfamily, everybody's farmers.

First boyfriend was a chicken farmer, Rick the Chick.

What?

Rick the Chick.

Rick the the chick ricky his name was it was a chicken farmer yes yeah

so why if he was a chicken farmer why do people call him Rick the chick as well

no Rick the chick you have Billy the milk you have yeah what you have to enter stuff

but he was a chicken farmer why is he a chick now billy the milk because he's the chicken farmer but then he should have been Rick the Rick the chicken farmer what no but he's not a chicken is he say that that makes me think chick is short chick is short for chicken farmer that makes me think he's gonna be a chicken ricky the chicken farmer yeah

rick and farmer the chicken farmer

you want me to be called that yeah definitely yeah rick and farmer does that just he makes me think he's a chick in wales it's yeah that a lot of people have the same surname yes so you have to distinguish and a lot of people have the same first name yeah so a very common name would be like David Jones for instance.

And so and a lot of people would be that.

It's like even in, you know, in our rugby scrum we've got win-jones and alan win-jones yeah two entirely separate people yes that's how normal it is

so you distinguish win the rugby and alan win the rugby no you might say the the ball yeah or you might you know you'd give it so so it's like my stepfather was um who's my dad who's italian who's Italian prisoner of war, Italian food, we're coming onto that.

And he had Die Ginge.

So it was David.

And they all had the, so Die Ginge would work with my dad, and then there would be Die the Spark, or as you would prefer to call him, David the Electrician.

David the Electrician.

Yeah, yeah.

That's my fun for you.

Did you have a nickname, Carl?

Yeah, but I'm not telling you.

Because that would go viral.

Really?

So your dream starter.

Right, this is where we negotiate, right?

Because

you said you were negotiating on the mains and the desserts, but we're negotiating on the starter as well are we it's all negotiation well here's the thing right it's a long lunch yes so i may put this negotiation in now because the main which we're going i don't like main courses okay

so if i were going into a restaurant i'd have two starters yeah but i might also have a side oh yeah that's fine fine that's okay so you're skipping the main i would prefer because we're on the long lunch so we've had the bread yeah that that lasts an hour doesn't it because we've we've started tanking it a little bit so what what what oh well we'll roll back then what what what are you tanking it with yeah we could we normally do the drink later but if you're tanking it then yeah we can talk about obviously a little arrival drink

a whiteley lunch really because they were the happiest ones yeah and feel very lucky that we're getting a white lunch on the podcast yes so he particularly liked white wine of course whereas

i probably prefer a red wine yes so i would probably go for a red wine but because i don't actually drink very much at all what not nowadays i don't not nowadays no i don't no not at all so at home i have like a little sherry glass of it that's enough but anyway i'm on my dream lunch so you're tired so now i'm not worrying about the hangover yeah now we're just yeah absolutely yeah we're not gonna give you a hangover we've taken that away so when you arrive at the restaurant and sit down yeah no i'm going for the sparkling water

because when i was at do you remember the davis street wine bar no no no it's in in lunch central london and it was great it was downstairs yeah and you could be there till like six in the morning and they always had a live band and it was owned by a greek guy called tony and george and one of the waiters who i saw quite a lot he always used to come and and tony would go oh oozo ozo ozo you see if you were sitting with him and i go oh god no no no no

and so this particular waiter would come and you go here is your ozo And it would go, oh, like that's an inuke went.

And here is a glass of water.

Water is your friend for tomorrow.

So now if I have like a glass of wine, I have a glass of water with it as well.

Your friend for tomorrow.

I heard, though, that with Uzo, water's not your friend the next day because apparently Uzo, this might be one of those myths, crystallizes in your stomach.

So it gets you drunk and then crystallizes in your stomach.

And then when you drink water, it basically re-dilutes the ozo crystals and makes you pissed again.

Well, maybe that's why it's so popular.

Yeah, yeah, it's the drink that keeps on giving.

Well, that's interesting.

Drink it again in your tongue.

I'll have to ask my daughter, she's a scientist.

I'll ask her about that.

Oh no, my whole theory is going to be blown apart to know it is.

Yeah, from the man who can't accept cash in the supermarket.

I don't handle cash.

It's royal.

He's royal.

So I'm having red wine.

So I'm having red wine.

With the bread.

But the nicest red wine I've ever had, now this is a proper name droppy thing now, was I was in America and I was on a date with my astronaut.

Just I leave that there.

For a second, I thought that America was the name drop.

Yeah.

This is going to be a name drop.

I was in America.

They get films before us.

Yeah, and it was a it was a cracking night and we had and he we had a Margot and it and that was very expensive red wines and I remember that, oh God, it was good.

So it's got to be a Margot.

Because things that you like remind you of stuff, don't they?

And that's when you, it's like, you know, if somebody mentions a name of someone, you know whether you like them, how your face reacts, because you go, oh, like you talk about Richard Whitey, it can be nothing but joy stories.

And then there are other people who go,

you know what I mean?

We'll be looking out for that face later.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When we mentioned Joel earlier.

A lovely bottle, yeah, a bottle of Margot.

A bottle of Margot.

So we start, we're having that now.

Lovely.

So that's that.

That's from...

You're tanking it.

You're tanking it.

And now the starters are coming.

And now the starters are coming.

So I'm going to be a little bit more.

John the Astronaut Women.

Yes, he can be there.

Yeah, he could be there.

Scallops.

I love scallops.

Now, I know you were discussing them, weren't they?

They were row bit.

Yes.

The other week.

I would eat, I would.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I think you have to really don't you well you know if it's there i'll eat it but some places cut cut them off before they cook the scallops right i sort of understand that but i like the whole thing and i like it you know in that very 70s way when it's in the shell

yeah i like that it's nice because then if it's cooked in like garlic butter or something then exactly a little pool of garlic butter in the bottom of the shell it's just gorgeous

and onions yeah and you want onions there as well love onions i could have onions with everything i don't eat enough onions.

I should eat more onions.

But when I was thinking about this, so like fried or whatever people call it, onions.

Fried onions?

Shallots?

Caramelized onions?

That one?

Very nice.

The crispy.

Because they go sugary, don't you?

Yeah, sweet.

But the garlic, because I don't really eat enough garlic because of the obvious reasons.

And butter.

So this is my dream meal.

Yeah.

And that, and I am the slowest teeter eater in the world.

Right.

Well, it's 10-hour lunches.

Yes.

And the only person slower than me is my son, Cameron,

who lives with me.

He's 26 now, Cam.

And so he is even slower than me.

But I am the, I will always, if we all went out, including you, Benito, I will be the slowest person.

But I finish it that might take me twice as long as everyone else.

People comment on it, people get frustrated.

A little bit sometimes.

Tough.

Tough luck.

Yeah.

And the waiter will always come up and they'll go, oh,

no.

Like, just because everyone else has finished, I mean, I have.

Hands off.

Yeah.

So you want the scallops in

the shell.

How many scallops?

I would say three,

which take me through about another hour.

And garlicky butter and some onion-y things.

An hour to eat three scallops.

Wow.

There's much to discuss.

Sure.

But that's three mouthfuls, isn't it?

That's pop, pop, pop.

Yeah.

I was just thinking maybe if I put, if the three shells went on top of a serviette on top of the plate, I could rehearse my magician's trick in miniature.

So this is really, this whole meal is just now building up to this magician's trick, isn't it?

A meal is a form of entertainment, is it not?

Absolutely.

So other people get like, oh, picky about the food.

I'm not really picky about food.

I should say that.

Yeah, say that at the top of the podcast.

Yeah, so I'm not a foodie.

Yeah.

It's a form of social entertainment.

Yeah.

You like the social aspect of a meal more than the the food.

Every time.

Yeah.

Every single time.

Would you or do you go out to dine alone ever?

No, not unless you know you're going up to work somewhere in the hotel.

Yeah, something like that.

But I don't enjoy that.

Do you think, would it be as long a meal if you were by yourself in a restaurant?

Yeah, probably only be about three hours.

Because

I can entertain myself quite happily.

Yeah, yeah.

So this, I want to know more now about the practice for the trip.

Well, I've only just thought about that.

It's a good idea.

It is.

Are you doing it when the scallops are still in the shell or are you just building the shells after?

And then I'd go, I'll finish now.

Yeah.

James, I've finished now.

And then I've just got a little thing because I'm building, I've got something to show you, which is magnificent later after the main course.

And then I'd say, right, watch this.

Count to three.

One, two, three.

And all the shells remain on the plate or not.

Have they got the garlic butter in them still?

Well, it depends where they remain.

Yeah, so it could be if there's pools of the garlic butter in it, that's all over me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like that you're allowing yourself one of two options of there the shells remain or not.

Or not.

Or they could be on the floor.

Or not.

The butter may have flown in different directions.

But, you know, that's another thing.

Like, if you go out for a meal and people sort of worry, don't they?

Like, oh, I've got a stain on here.

I don't worry about things.

Stains.

Back to Richard.

So there was one very long lunch.

And then we went to Joe Allen's at the end of it, you know, in Covent Garden, Underground, which is the late night lovely do you you know where i mean no but that sounds exciting underground the theater post-show hangout place all the actors yeah all the actors after the theater go down there and everything and anyway we went down there one night after a very long lunch

who turned up but bianca jagger so she came to sit with us like she came to sit with us not often we get celebrity anecdotes of this quality

so we are now

we are now at magician's trick time right So Bianca's Jagger comes over and she's sitting down and she is like the most exquisitely beautiful woman you've ever seen.

Every single thing about Bianca is perfectly formed and all her clothes look magnificent and all of that.

And there's me like sobbing out.

There's Whiteley and he's got

an egg yolk stained

on his tie.

Are you sure that wasn't the design of the tie?

Yeah, it could have been.

No, it might have been.

And so Bianca says in her beautiful accent, which I can't do very well, and he said, oh, Richard, do you have this thing?

And she said, oh, you should take this tie and change your tie.

You know, he said, no, Bianca, this is part of me now.

You know,

and the last thing I saw was, so another friend of ours is there called Co.

So she said, oh, I'll give Richard a lift back to his hotel because I was staying somewhere else.

It's like three in the morning, Drury Lane.

completely empty and i'm waving off co driving a honda civic with bianca jagger and Richard Whiteley in the back seat.

It was just,

I love things like that.

The initially you said long lunches were good because you get to bed at a normal time.

Well, I know.

Three in the morning.

You have to go with the moment.

You do.

You have to go with the flow.

You do.

And I don't think people go with the flow enough now.

Really?

People are staying up till three o'clock still.

Yeah.

We've had some good long lunches.

We've had some good long lunches.

We go with the flow.

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So then main course is going to be another starter, is that right?

Yeah.

Okay.

And how quick, so you finish the scallops after an hour.

Yeah.

Do you then want the next starter straight away or do you want to relax, drink some more money?

Again, it depends.

Yeah.

So if other people want their main course before I have my next starter, that's fine.

Yeah.

Because they take longer on the main course.

Yeah.

So I'm very happy with that.

Yeah.

We just go out and we have a good laugh.

So we have our gays and girls lunches or we used to.

They were long lunches.

So that's like Gock, Alan Carr, Paula Grady,

Paul,

and me and Sally Lindsay.

I'd go out.

They would be like 12 hours.

They'd be hilarious.

Everyone on that table can talk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Literally.

Yeah.

And then when we were moved away from the restaurant, you know, after about five hours, sometimes they actually kicked us out.

And then we'd go to you know wherever oh just got messy but very funny what a great gang that is amazing what a brilliant gang yeah it's a lovely gang so that's why i favor all of that so we're moving on to my starts you're having your mains what would you be having by this time i'm having truth broccoli pasta are you every time yeah yeah every time i'll probably have like a a massive steak that's supposed to be for two people do you eat a huge steak i can do that yeah yeah i cook them at home sometimes sitting in your tummy yeah if that's that's that's what he likes about it they drink some water and he eats it again

do you have like two stomachs like a cow or does cow have four cow's got four hasn't it yeah cow's got a lot of cud and then

yeah i just all the cud goes into the same stomach

yeah

if i'm doing a doing a barbecue at home like i buy like massive steaks and then fed for instance and then you sit there but do you go because sometimes you know all the blood then rushes to your stomach doesn't it you go yeah you're like that doesn't work well does it on podcasts when you just do that vacant look yes well if i'm at home that's fine because that's the look i do at home anyway is it so i just went i just go and sit on the sofa but if i'm preparing a big steak for me and my wife she likes steaks yeah but i'll do them like two massive steaks on the barbecue like slice them up present them on a big serving dish which is key because then you can get more than one steak ah

it's all one big portion and she just takes her time like a little quarter and you have three quarters of two steaks yeah yeah but she assumes she's got a whole one because she's taken what she's taken ages on hers

that's clever that is

so i am going for the big prawns that they're like butterfly chopped yeah and then they're spread out

like that and onions

well I'm allowed two sides if I only have one starter.

I reckon if you're not having a main course, you can have two starters and two sides.

Yeah.

Two starters and two sides.

So two starters in total and two sides.

Yeah, because

you've got the scallops and the prawns.

And I'm happy about that.

Because sometimes in a hotel, I don't order a main course.

I just order the sides because I prefer the sides.

So my sides are

lovely tomatoes and red onion.

Lovely tomatoes.

Yeah.

Red onion.

Yeah.

And then the other one is a divided one.

So it's got mashed mashed potato.

Yeah.

And my favorite vegetable of all time, which once October comes, I eat every single day.

What is that vegetable?

Okay.

Is this in the book?

Is this in the quiz book?

Once October comes.

Banter Not Squash.

No.

Nothing fancy.

Nothing fancy.

Welsh.

Getting close.

Sprouts.

Sprouts.

Sprouts.

Yes.

King.

and queen and baby of vegetables.

The three.

The three.

i will often buy

i will buy a bag of sprout a day sorry carol you just hit on the thing that will make us laugh the absolute most i don't know why that's so funny sprouts no but king king and queen or baby king queen and baby

of the of the vegetable world it's very funny like like it's a phrase that already exists yeah

i've not forgotten that they're the baby of the vegetable world

recently i've been like um

The director, the film director, William Friedkin, died.

He made the Exorcist and French Connection.

And I've been watching loads of interviews with him.

And he says stuff that sounds like it's a phrase, but no one's ever said it before.

Yeah.

And one is that he went off on like, you know, he started off in a familiar place where he was like, he said, he said, fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

And then he added, and the ship that brought him here and the dog that walks behind them.

And that's what he said.

I like it.

And another time he was asked, someone was was like, oh, Al Puccino said he didn't like the changes you made to his character.

And he interrupted them by saying, I don't give a flying fuck into a rolling donut.

What

Al Puccino does.

But yeah, so stuff that sounds like a phrase, but it's not really.

And so

they're the king, queen, and baby of this.

The vegetables.

We're going to use that, yeah.

So at my street.

How do you like your sprouts prepared?

Well, what I'd normally do at home is I buy them already trimmed.

Yeah.

And they come in a little plastic bag, don't they yeah so then I pierce the plastic bag okay put it in the microwave for three minutes

yeah and they're gorgeous so you don't have all the water interference yes okay when you bought you know when you steam them

and obviously you can roast them as well which I often do but if it was for this I would go with the steamed microwaved you want microwaves

quite simple yeah with black pepper salt.

I do like salt.

I know it's bad for you.

No, it's all right.

And

butter.

I'm going heavy on the butter today.

Welsh butter on the sprouts as well.

So how are you doing that?

So

you're piercing the bag, putting in the microwave, and then I guess you're taking them out and then salt and pepper and butter after they've been cooked.

Obviously, yes, after the microwave.

After this intense cooking escapade.

Yes.

I really hate cooking.

I had to do it from the age of 10.

I had to do tea, as we call it, every night.

You know, my dad would come in at quarter to six and the tea had to be on the table in the days when we all had sliced bread and butter you know

chopped up and if it was posh you'd do it like a triangle rather you know and but you had to slice it i was so good at cutting bread and butter and um like lace doilies you know you could hold it up so i cooked all those years and then i when the kids were older i just thought i bloody hate cooking yeah i really don't like it I did win Star Baker Apron though.

I did it.

Yeah.

I can

cook.

Don't want to cook that's me you're bringing up bad memories for james yet oh wow the worst celebrity bake-off appearance of all time did you did you come last well they don't make that official but it was you did yeah it was impolite well you could tell no it was really bad what's a showstopper well i may books you'd park out of meringues yeah i mean they were all showstoppers in a way as in they should have stopped the show

was it that bad james pretty bad was it mine was wonderful

and mine was fine fine.

So we've got the full, we've got the full gamut here.

I should have worn it, shouldn't I?

I should have worn my style.

That would have been amazing.

Could I tell you about my showstopper?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gone, gone.

Let me hear about it.

Mine was wonderful.

My showstopper, it was all about your favorite bit of leisure time, relaxing time.

So, of course, everyone goes, oh, bath, you know, have a glass of champagne in the bath.

I thought that is what I would do.

But I wanted to think of something.

different

about proper leisure time.

So I made a cake like the size of a bath, not big bath but so that was the cake rather than the little one and then i put fondant icing all the way through like a roll top bath yeah and all of that and then the champagne everyone else is boring goes oh well i bought this like you know icing that's done in a champagne oh no so i got rob rinder to strip a ken and a barbie i put ken and barbie in the bath and then you had to pour a bottle of champagne into the bath and drink it out of straws before you're allowed to eat the cake.

That's good.

See?

Was Rob Rinder on the show with the best?

I should have asked.

Because it sounded like

you have him.

Well, we need to get Rob Rinder to strip a Kennedy Barbie because he's the guy who does that for me.

He's the guy who'll strip a Kennedy Barbie.

And to be fair,

that would make sense.

I've met Rob Rinder.

I'm sure he would happily strip a Kennedy Barbie to anyone else.

I'd have to have a barbecue before me.

And then, and then what you had to do, and then you had to drink the champagne because it's like a party, guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

drink the champagne and everyone's involved out of your straws and then you chop the cake and by that time the champagne has kind of gone through the fondant icing taken like a lot of the sugar through and it's not a dry cake it's quite moist wow did you come up with that yourself yeah that's pretty i mean that deserves star baking that does i mean i i i was nowhere near any of that if i if i'm honest i'll be completely honest these prawns we haven't heard much about the prawns we've moved on to the the well i like the ones you know when they say when you order an indian and and they go you can have like a normal prawn or you can have like a big fat

what

prawn candori

i do not know what word you want to place

anything like when it's over the top you go it's uh uh uh fucking

f off dress or

and they say that to you in the indian restaurant do they you can have a normal prawn or you can have a big fat fuck off prawn yeah but everyone knows what that means don't they You know what, you know what I mean.

Well, eventually when we got down to what it was,

is it off-brand for me?

And

I think that is very expressive.

Yes.

Because everyone knows what that is.

Yeah.

It's like pink, the queen, and the baby of prawns.

Do people use that phrase?

If you don't mind me dwelling on it, no, no, no, the fuck off, big fat, fuck off prawn.

Well, I do.

Because, no, I know people use it, but use it to describe size.

But is that because when you see it it's so big you go fuck off is that why no because it's a it's a fond form of that yes of those words yeah and there's a big difference between like

yeah scowly yeah version or like a happy version

no not like that it's like a

like that's like

what i love about this is that you've introduced this phrase into the conversation but

sometimes you're reluctant one to say it you can swear at this podcast but you don't you don't want to do it.

Do you think your fan base would not like it?

No, it's not that I don't like about things like that.

Tom O'Connor, do you remember Tom O'Connor?

Yes, Tom O'Connor.

Lovely Tom O'Connor.

So Tom used to be on Countdown all the time in Dictionary Corner, and he always used to go, eh, like that, because he could go.

So he said this story.

So he went to his wedding.

went to Woodoo you know he was doing this and he went he said oh and I went to this wedding and uh I said to the girl oh well you know oh I've missed the bride she said oh yes had a great dress, Tom.

It was fantastic.

And so it was like all dead white.

And I had a fuck off skirt.

So every time, which I thought was brilliant description.

Lovely.

Yeah.

We all know what that means.

Also, it's just, that's just the description of a wedding dress.

Yeah.

So every time Tom came in, he just used to do the thing with his hands.

He's going from his skirt and go, Ewana fuck off skirt.

So every time I think of it, I think of it.

I love scuffs.

Oh, it's funny yeah i love that oh i was going to tell you a story about scouts no that's probably very rude you can't tell that one is that the story about how you got your nickname no i'm not entirely

that was a leads i want to get this nickname out of you well you're not going to i don't feel like you are no i don't think he is either yeah somehow yeah so just to read i mean we'll recap all at the end i guess but so

funny story funny scouse story yes please okay really funny scout last time i went up there so you've got to understand i grew up in north wales that bit of strip of north wales that's, you know,

a third scouse, really.

Yeah.

Real, I went to school in.

Oh, man,

I had a bad gig there.

Did you?

They destroyed me.

Really?

Yeah, supporting Milton Jones, they absolutely destroyed me.

Did they?

The audience.

They called me to high heaven.

Yeah.

They didn't, did they?

Oh, yeah.

They showed me.

You've never been back.

I've never been back.

I understand.

So Liverpool is up the road.

So you go to Liverpool for a night out and all that kind of thing.

Last time I went, I went to a big do.

It was Jamie Carragher carraga and um it was to raise money for uh i think it was for a local hospice could have been a hospice but anyway it's this big gig at the titanic hotel have you been there

stunning so about 500 people have paid money uh rod stewart was there pixie lot was singing or so but so not a huge venue but a lot of people so so rob was there was on the next table and i've known him for like years anyway part of the thing is you go don't you and then you go from table to table and you have selfies and all of that and everyone's going, oh, hey, Carol, come in, come Ed, come Ed.

Oh, we love Forders, you know, and all of this.

I absolutely loved it.

So we'd go round, round, round, round, round, round.

The night's getting longer and longer.

I'm having a great time.

And then it goes to this and this woman goes, oh, Carol, come Ed, come Ed.

Eh, it's Forders.

She's going to finish tape.

She says, come here, come, come here.

So I'm going there and we're like arm in arm, me and this woman.

And she goes, see him there.

And she pointed to this folk on the table who was like, I don't know, in his 30s or something.

She said,

she said, you've been in his wank bank for six years.

Can you have a selfie?

I mean, there's a lot of, I mean, I was going to say there's a lot of questions we can ask about that story, but I don't think we will.

Nothing we know.

I feel you know the answer to it.

Well,

six years is very specific.

Yeah,

anyway, I did have the selfie and told him not to laminate it.

All right, well.

Doesn't need to, it's honestly.

There we go.

That's life.

That's life.

You should wrap up that anecdote by saying that's life.

Anyway, that's life.

It's no one else's life.

I went over and told Rod, he said, oh, I've got to go over and shake his hand.

I said, I wouldn't.

The dream drink, if we haven't put you off.

I mean,

yeah, you can have that throughout.

But if you wanted another drink, do you switch it up ever?

Well, I would drink champagne.

Bollinger is my

bottle of Bolly.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

We'll sling that on there.

Thank you.

No problem.

Well, I mean, we're kind of at the dessert, even though it's been a roller coaster ride.

Yeah, it's been great.

But you promised us more negotiations here.

Yes.

So I am not going to say, happily for you, cheeseboard.

Thank you so much.

Because I i don't like cheese no

i good onion i would eat it about once a year to have a cheese board yeah because i couldn't think of anything else yeah but i'm also not into puddings okay

so

this is the negotiation because long lunch so we started around two two thirty ish

about this so now we're at about six yeah

so i would go for a sort of very specific afternoon tea with

because a restaurant where I live in Bristol and I've seen them serve afternoon tea with dry ice on it so it like you know when it um what do they call it when it's on like different levels yeah yeah like a teared yeah I know you can teared yeah

yeah and then they put dry ice and it all sort of tumbles yeah again it's about the performance of the food right so I was thinking then I could have little mini this and mini that because I'm not into puddings and I don't really understand why people eat puddings

No, I don't.

But you're picking an afternoon tea, which presumably has like multiple different cakes.

Well,

I'm taking the sandwiches away.

So that's exactly the point.

So they'd be like the little things.

You know that you're buying Mark's for Christmas and you have 12 like little chocolate flatjacks or something like that.

You put some of those on there.

You can put that, yes.

So that then you can make it last for a couple of hours.

And I could be kind and offer you my tiered thing with the dry ice.

And I would accept that.

You would, wouldn't you?

So I think on it, they're all the little mini ones.

I'd have an eaten mess type of thing.

I like that.

A little trifle.

I love trifles.

A little trifle.

Yeah.

I do like a trifle.

I used to be really good at trifles.

Well, you must understand why people eat desserts if you like a trifle.

Well, yeah, but you go, oh, I'll have a pudding.

And then you have one thing.

Yeah.

That's what I don't understand.

Right, but you like dessert because you're...

Well, more often than not, I wouldn't have one.

You are in the process of picking about five different desserts.

Yes, I am, but they're more tastes.

Yes.

Little tastes.

Little tastes.

When you described how much you like a trifle, you closed your eyes.

You're like, yeah, I do like a trifle.

I used to make trifle all the time on a Sunday back in the day.

I was going to tell you about my stepfather.

So he was a prisoner of war, Italian prisoner of war.

So my father was in the World War II, in the Dutch Resistance Borderman.

Anyway, they split up.

And then, and when I was about nine, my mum remarried in North Wales.

My dad, I called him, and I loved him, and he swore.

Every third word, he swore.

And he was like loud and he'd laugh all the time.

And his name was Gabrielle Rizzi.

I called him my dad, my stepfather.

So every Friday, we'd cook Italian food.

And back in the 70s, you know, the only olive oil you could buy was from Boots Chemist.

And that was, you warmed it up on a teaspoon, poured it in your ear to get rid of the wax.

That was it.

Otherwise, it was like vegetable oil and butter is what people would cook with.

But my dad, on a Friday night, he'd get tomatoes pure, as he called it, tomato puree, because people couldn't buy that.

But he went to Italy every year and brought back like gallons of olive oil and Italian food.

And so he'd get steak, bash it with the hammer, and I would help him all the time on a Friday because I'd cook through the week.

And then Friday was Italian night.

Bash, bash, bash, bash, bash, bash.

And then we had proper parmesan, not the stuff that you had in a in a dry tube that smelled like sick.

Not like that.

It was like proper grated parmesan bread crumbs because you save the bread from the week before and then crumb it all and then mix it all up beat an egg and then so it's flattened steak and then you suppose it's like melanese really and then you put it in the egg and then put it in this like fresh bread crumbs and parmesan then we fry it in olive oil and then at the same time chop a lot of peppers up and then put it in this sort of became almost sludgy really but so tasty of tomato puree and olive oil and it just used used to sit on the aga cooker that he'd found in a house that he was doing up, brought it home and worked it in.

And that was just bliss.

And that was like Friday night would always be that.

And there was something lovely about you had the same thing on a Monday.

Every Monday, you had the same thing.

Every Tuesday, you had the same thing.

And of course, always back then, because it wasn't processed food.

you had to cook it from fresh.

Now everyone goes, oh, I cook from fresh.

Well, you had to then.

Yeah, yeah.

So he was brilliant.

There's something quite Italian about these long lunches that you like as well.

It feels quite Mediterranean.

Yeah, and sort of just chilled.

Yeah.

Rather than being fussy about, oh, and have we had, you know, have they served us properly and all of that.

It's just dig in.

Yeah.

And with these desserts, you've got the trifle, you've got the...

Eat a mess.

Eat a mess.

Yeah, lemon meringue I like as well.

Lemon meringue, right?

Yeah.

One of those little chocolate flapjacks from M ⁇ S?

No, I'm not keen on chocolate, really.

No.

No, I'm cheap to keep, you see.

You're cheap to keep?

I am very cheap to keep.

I do like a bit of ice cream

and I do like lemony stuff.

And then I said to Jules, my friend, who I was telling you about earlier, because she's disappointed she can't be here.

And she said, I've got to choose food that she likes.

And I said, no.

But I said that I would allow on the afternoon tea tiered things.

She'd allowed to come for this, right?

A Viennese world dipped in chocolate.

Okay.

But that would be a confident teacher, Jules.

But she's weird.

She likes things like that.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

So you got a nickname?

Jules.

Jules.

Jules.

Jules.

Lovely.

Yeah.

I mean, I think I was really scared for a bit there.

We weren't going to get a dessert.

It was going to be anything.

I think it was great.

This is what you were eating all the way through to a dinner and having another meal.

And I was going to

not see any puddings here.

No.

Do you like a pudding?

Love them.

He loves them.

It's sweet tooth.

Yeah.

I actually really, I think I'd go for something.

more like what you've picked like the little tastes of things tastes yeah

and then but we'd have to have you know you want that performance again don't you so the so whoever's waiting you know who's ever serving i could offer you james if you could have a selection but before that we have to have more dry ice bring the dry ice yeah yeah yeah yeah oh i'll keep you stocked up on dry ice don't would you as the genie yeah yeah fully stocked up on the dry ice marvellous

more when you do the tablecloth trick now does the dry ice not sort of trigger memories of stars in their eyes when they bring the dessert well then yeah well it might cue me into the song that's why um if i may yeah that's why the dessert is to share oh

i'm just doing what you're doing

it's just good stuff

genius let's cut that absolute genius from this

you could just cut that was it retro spankies retro spankies

you could have a retro spanky pudding couldn't you yeah retro spanky i'll have a retro spanky pudding that's what that guy calls it when he watches old episodes of i'm a celebrity

Hopefully I got access to the retro spank bank.

I hope I've remembered my pin number.

Well the pin number for the retro spank bank is one big one and five small one.

You're very naughty.

Isn't it?

Good fun.

Mine was an innocent tail.

Carol,

what are you talking about?

That was an innocent tail.

Yeah, it was funny.

It was funny.

No one's arguing it.

We laughed a lot.

But no innocent tail has ever included the phrase you've been in a wank bank for six years.

I know.

Can I have a selfie?

You said at the beginning, to be fair,

you don't have to be polite with me.

Well, I did, yeah.

And I maintain that.

Yeah.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Okay, gone.

So this is a long lunch.

Long lunch.

You would like sparkling water with a jug of fresh lime juice.

Correct.

And you want Margo red wine from the beginning.

You're tanking.

I think so, yeah.

But I'm not tanking, but, you know, yeah, I like Margot, yeah.

Poppin' so bread, you chose bread with yellow Welsh butter and salt crystals.

Starter, part one of the starters, three scallops with the row in their shells with garlic, butter and onions.

Yeah, followed by a mini magician's trick.

That's when you're doing the magician's trick.

Yeah, that's the one with the mini one.

The mini one with the shell.

I think we made that quite clear.

Yeah, it was very clear.

We discussed it for a while.

With the shells.

Second starter.

We didn't really get into this, but big prawns, butterflied.

More onion.

Big fuck off prawns.

Thank you.

Would you ever have big fuck-off butterflies prawned?

That's what I want.

Yeah, curled up with like prawns.

Yeah, yeah.

Sides.

Lovely tomatoes and red onions.

Correct.

Mashed potatoes and sprouts.

Yeah.

Salt and pepper and butter.

Lovely.

Sprouts are in the microwave.

I love sprouts.

I literally, some weeks I have like sprouts every night.

What?

So I will have a bag of sprouts, shove it in the microwave, and then I mixed it with a little bit of curry or something like that.

Curry and sprouts.

Fucking hell, Carol.

Fucking hell.

You're trying to join the astronaut in space.

I love sprouts.

And Richard used to love sprouts.

We were Christmas babies, so I think it's a thing.

That's what I call it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Christmas babies.

Christmas babies.

That's why they're the king and queen.

For someone who said, you don't eat too much bread because it really hits your stomach.

Sprouts mix pink curry.

They're amazing.

Oh, look, I love sprouts.

Oh, they're delicious.

But like, you know, I've never met someone who has sprouts every night sometimes makes it with curry.

I've got an obsession with sprouts.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you're getting them here.

Drink, obviously, you're having the Margo all the way through, but also chucking in a bottle of Bolly here.

Yeah, definitely.

And then there's a dessert, an afternoon tea, take the sandwiches away.

And we've got a mini eat and mess, mini trifle, lemon meringue, bit of ice cream, Vinnies well dipped in chocolate for Jules.

And it's all got dry ice coming out of it, which I'll top up whenever you need.

Yeah.

And then we're talking big tablecloth trick at the end.

Yes.

Yes.

Straight down.

Then we're thrown out of the restaurant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then we chuck you out.

Off to the pub.

Yeah.

So I'm very happy.

Yeah, that's a great menu.

And I love that we've, yeah, we've finally got a long, long lunch on the podcast.

That's perfect.

Yeah.

Thank you very much, Carol.

Well, thank you both.

Thank you, Carol.

I'm hungry now.

Well, there we are, James.

A fantastic chat.

and a brilliant menu from Carol Vorderman.

An episode for the Wank Pack.

It was lovely to have Carol in the dream restaurant.

Sorry, I hold my hands up.

I don't know what that phrase means.

I was pretending when Carol was talking about it, but I'll have to look it up later what it means.

I assume it's positive.

Yeah, it's well, yeah.

So I'm using it, but

I'll look it up later.

Yes, okay.

Thank you, James.

Carol, of course, did not say Alphabetti spaghetti, so she could stay well within the dream restaurant.

And it was lovely to chat to Carol.

And her new book, Perfect 10 Quiz Book.

Carol Vordeman's Perfect 10 quiz book is out on the 14th of September.

Check out the podcast as well.

Perfect 10 with Carol Vordeman.

Yes, go and check out all of that stuff.

Also, if you like books, I've got one coming out in October.

Ed Gamble.

is the name of the author and the book is called Glutton, the Multi-Course Life of a Very Greedy Boy.

That will be available everywhere.

You get books.

You can pre-order now.

You can pre-order the audio book, which will be available from all those places.

Just go and buy it.

It's good.

It's going to be so good.

I know it's going to be good.

I'm really looking forward to getting it.

Thank you.

Also, if I may, I'm on tour and we've announced new dates for next year.

There's still tickets for them.

So, you know, if you live in Liverpool, Nottingham, and some other places that I can't remember,

then please come along.

If you live in Liverpool and you see there's tickets available, you'll probably go, oh.

There's fuck off loads of tickets left.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very good.

Something like that.

That reference to something Carol did, by the way i'm not being offensive yes if you're one of those people who skips to the outro skips it goes love the outro

yeah fair enough uh thank you very much for listening oh i'm on tour next year oh ed gamble hot diggity dog uh edgamble.co.uk for tickets uh going everywhere also massive shout out to dalesford organic for sending us uh hamper we once complained that they accidentally sent a hamper to the office meaning uh meaning sent it to someone else and we loved all the look of the stuff in there but we had to give it back to the people who actually uh deserved it yeah uh well that worked yes and now we got a hamper can't believe it's happened we've been divvying it up between uh between records today yes it looks like uh ed's got the cannolis and i've got the florentines well i've got one pack of cannolis and then i'm perfectly happy to um give benito a pack of cannolis yeah yeah because when you say divvying up what happened is benito left the room and then we and then we really started raiding it yeah yeah yeah we still i gave him a cheese as well oh that's nice of you but i shouldn't really be eating cheese no because i shouldn't have cheese at home because I'll eat it like an apple.

I'd eat it like a hand fruit.

Yeah.

So, um, do you want some more cheese, Benito?

I imagine you're hoping that he says no, though.

Yeah.

You don't take the cheese home and go, oh, we were given this, and it would be such a waste.

Chop it up, put it in a fruit salad.

Yeah.

Thanks for listening.

Bye.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single Ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.