Ep 203: Paul Foot

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Let's be real.

Life happens.

Kids spill.

Pets shed.

And accidents are inevitable.

Find a sofa that can keep up at washable sofas.com.

Starting at just $699, our sofas are fully machine washable inside and out.

So you can say goodbye to stains and hello to worry-free living.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

They're kid-proof, pet-friendly, and built for everyday life.

Plus, changeable fabric covers let you refresh your sofa whenever you want.

Neat flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa anytime to fit your space, whether it's a growing family room or a cozy apartment.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and trusted by over 200,000 happy customers.

It's time to upgrade to a stress-free, mess-proof sofa.

Visit washablesofas.com today and save.

That's washablesofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the gnocchi of conversation, throwing it into the boiling water of the internet, and waiting for it to bubble up to the top to serve up a nice bowl of podcast gnocchi that's it gamble my name is james a caster we're in a dream restaurant and sorry i had to swallow there great that's austan yep and every week we invite in a guest and we ask for their favorite ever start of main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is paul foot paul foot a wonderful comedian one of my one of my favorite comedians james yeah but uh you know i think it fair to say that our entire generation of comics inspired by paul foot in some way to some degree Absolutely hilarious.

Totally unique.

Yep.

Always to the beat of his own drum.

To the beat of his own drum, not just on stage, off stage as well.

Yeah, it's not an act.

No, it's not an act.

So very excited to speak to Paul Foote because I genuinely don't know what he's going to say.

But I know he likes cooking and I know he enjoys food.

I do know that.

Before I even became a stand-up comedian, I'd watch Paul's YouTube channel.

Yes.

And every now and again, he would do a little cook-along.

Yeah.

Where he would show you how to cook a fish pie and stuff like that.

Oh, brilliant.

I remember the fish pie, especially.

This is going to be so much fun.

Paul has had an amazing career as a stand-up comic uh and uh we've got we've got a load of questions for him also you can see paul's new tour dissolve get tickets at paulfoot.tv and see all the different places where he's coming he'll be coming to a town near you he will i'm sure also and we hate to do this but every single week there is a secret ingredient the guest says it they get kicked out on their ass because we've deemed it unacceptable And this week, the secret ingredient is a moist moist cake.

Moist cake.

Now, this refers to one of Paul's signature stand-up comedy routines fantastic routine about how if you get given a slice of homemade cake you have to comment on how moist it is to the person who's made it I once saw him do this routine to a room full of people who were loving it really laughing there's one guy in the front who wasn't and uh Paul Paul said to him like you're not enjoying my my comedy and the man was like no it's not for me and then Paul offered him a slice of an invisible moist cake and said would you come on just bite this and join us all and the man was like no and he was like just have a bite of the moist cake and it was a standoff for about five minutes and eventually the man went and mimed

eating the moist cake and everyone cheered and went crazy for it

Fantastic.

That's the sort of thing you get at a Paul Foot show.

Paul did a lot of mimes for a while.

He invented a new form of mime where he spoke during it,

which I have very, very fond memories.

Was that when he was being penny?

No, I think that was post-penny.

Yeah.

The other routine of Paul's to look up is weirdly.

He did that show Last Comic Standing in the US and did very well on it.

And he did Moist Cake on that.

I think.

And Shy Horses is the other big routine that you definitely need to look up.

But anyway, you can tell we're absolutely giddy fans.

So let's get Paul onto the podcast now.

This is the off-menu menu of Paul Foote.

Welcome, Paul, to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

Welcome, Paul, Foot, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh, hi, James.

That's funny, you appearing there like that.

Yeah.

Oh, hi.

Oh, that was

funny.

You just appeared out of nowhere.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

You didn't appear out of nowhere.

No, I've been here all the time.

No, you came from behind a door.

Yeah.

You've been hiding behind a door.

Yes.

It was a bit weird when you appeared, a bit frightening.

Yeah.

In a horrible way.

In just a horrible horrible sort of stalkery way.

In a creepy way, yeah.

In a creepy way.

Whereas when you appeared, James, it was more magical.

It was, well, it was magical.

He just appeared out of nowhere.

It was magical and lovely.

And I'm sorry for what you had to endure with Ed beforehand.

Yes, well, it wasn't just that appearing.

You know, it was a lot of things happening in the weeks and months preceding it.

Different appearance.

Ed has been making various appearances in my life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In different places, sometimes just appearing in old phone boxes.

I think I walked past a phone box and I think,

I had phone boxes anymore.

What do they use them for?

Are they for the internet?

What do they have them for?

And I see, Ed Gamble's in there.

And it's a local phone box near my house.

There's no reason.

Hey, no one uses them anymore.

And

why is he there?

Yeah.

What was he doing in the phone box?

Nothing.

Just that's what was so weird about it.

Yeah.

You know, if it'd been something like, I don't don't know, even if it had binoculars or something,

like a proper sort of stalkery pervert.

Like a grubby one, like a grubby one.

At least that would have given the context.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or even,

you know, even something sexual, I'd have welcomed because I'd have known what it was.

Yeah, you know what I'm up to.

You know what it is.

You call the police.

They know how to deal with it.

It is.

a bona fide offence.

Yeah.

But you can't just call the police and say, I think I've seen Ed gambling an old phone box.

no, not doing anything, yeah, he's giving you nothing.

That's not a crap.

I was just in the phone box.

Are you worried that when you hit the road and you go on tour doing your show Desolve around the UK, that Ed is going to follow you around the UK and pop up at various places?

Absolutely.

In fact, what I tend to do when I get in my car is always check the back seat in case it's one of those things, scenes from a film when suddenly Ed Gamble comes from behind and just says, Oh, I was here all the time, hiding in the car.

I want to speak to you.

And I say, I can't speak to you, Ed.

There are a number of restraining orders.

Yes.

In the county courts, as well as in the jurisdiction of California,

in various countries, there are restrictions.

I can't speak to you.

You know what happens.

I call the police and

the police.

I don't even have to say anything to the police.

I've got a code number.

I just say it to them, code 4739.

Yeah, right.

Well, I know the code now.

Thanks for letting me know the code, Paul.

Oh dear.

There's the code.

And also I've got all of your tour dates listed here, so I know exactly where you're going to be and when.

Oh no.

That's concerning, isn't it?

That is a worry.

All I'm saying is...

We played into his hands this episode.

Yeah, it's going to be the beginning of October is going to be great.

Aberdeen, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Sheffield, Birmingham, Stafford.

Oh, yeah.

It's a good job that I went to the trouble of learning a false

code number for the police, as well as going to the extravagant expense of making a false website that looks like my own website but has different dates

always one date day behind so that you always appear at the theatre one day after i was there where the police are waiting do you worry that's going to damage your sales well it will reduce them by one

because then you'll be to

yeah yeah but you know there'll be one less ticket still but the ticket will be sold but there'll be one there'll be one empty seat in every show yeah it'll always be there the Ed Gamble seat but seat

four e four four rows back and and five in yeah the one where

that's your seat which you've booked for every single show but that will always be empty yes yeah but that's a good thing yeah yeah you can look at that seat and feel comforted I guess yeah I know that that is the difference between me and death yeah you know oh that's becoming very apparent that that

these are the stakes here yes I've known it for some time that

Ed, and by the way, I think it's best that in this podcast, Ed is referred to in the third person at all times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I know that he has been plotting against me.

Do I need to refer to myself in the third person as well?

That makes you feel safer.

Yeah, I think that's better.

It's like an entity.

Yes.

And then, yeah, I'm just an aura, really.

Oh, sorry, Ed's just an aura.

Yeah, Ed Gamble.

Ed Gamble, the spirit of Ed Gamble, which is not a good spirit.

Not like yours, that genie, that lovely, wonderful genie coming up,

like a fluttery little genie

rising,

if I may say, with a dash of camp.

Thank you.

You know, lovely.

Yeah, I don't think there's any non-camp genies, though, to be fair.

I think it comes with the territory.

Well, especially it does.

Who thinks it?

Huh?

Who thinks it comes with the territory?

Oh, Ed Gamble thinks it comes with the territory.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, if you look at genies, particularly in Panto,

always camp, aren't they?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there was one with Christopher Biggins,

months of work they did trying to get the campness out of him so he could play

the most sort of straight sort of macho genie ever.

And it was just a wasted money.

Yeah.

Money down the drain that ultimately, ultimately meant that they didn't make a profit.

But there's solid profits to be made on Panto because they're big sellers, but instead

losses were made and the theatre had to close.

Do you know, I mean, you know, I don't expect you will know, but do you happen to know some of the methods they use to try and decamp Biggins?

Well, yes.

Well, some of the methods, yeah.

Speaking deep, speaking deep, speaking deep, biggins deep, deep biggins.

And then they'd they'd get him to say things like uh

things like that and uh

yeah.

I mean some of the things I can't really say, but the sort of things they'd say in the 70s, like

nice racking you love.

So they'd find things, and we ought to put a sort of

trigger warning.

But some 1970s phrases are going to be used in this podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was things like that.

So 1970s phrases he'd have to say.

Stuff like,

right, darling?

Wanna meet up after the want to meet up afterward?

Yeah, you got a boyfriend.

Doesn't stop us, does it?

Things like that.

That's the sort of stuff.

That's the sort of stuff that Biggins had to say.

And it didn't really make much difference.

Didn't work as soon as he got on stage.

As soon as he got on stage, he was like, oh, hello,

Christopher Biggins here.

Here for, you know, you all know what you've come for.

And I know what I've come for as well.

And

all of that sort of stuff.

All the innuendo.

It would all be out, the innuendo, the campness.

And it was supposed to be they're like the most masculine panto ever that's what they were aiming for yeah very sad very sad what happened and they wanted no innuendo in that panto yeah again

mistake you know real shame mistake

shouldn't have hired biggins no you shouldn't have but then he but yeah he puts bums on the seats but then you know also another thing that puts bums on seats is the combination of an actor who used to be an Emma Dale 10 years ago as well as other well-known actors like Wendy Craig.

Yeah.

You know, it all adds up.

Yeah.

Would you do Pantopaul?

No, well, in what, being serious?

Are we being serious?

Are we being serious?

Are we joking?

Oh, it's up to you.

Well, I mean, I'll follow you.

I mean,

it's not the dream, is it?

No, it's not the dream, but would you enjoy it, do you think?

Yeah, I mean, I would enjoy it because

you can enjoy anything, can't you?

I mean,

you know, if i had to do 15 years hard labor in siberia you'd enjoy that i'd enjoy it

you get into it just get into the mode wouldn't you i'd i'd think well i have to accept my life is different now i'm no longer a stand-up comedian yeah i'm in siberia having gone to russia and said something to whatever i did yeah you did something yeah i um i uh said an innuendo to uh vladimir putin in the style of christopher biggins you were doing Panto in Russia.

I was doing Panto in Russia.

Yeah, I was doing Panto in Leningrad.

Yeah.

And it's not called Leningrad anymore, is it?

I don't know.

Why did that pop out of my mouth?

I think I was going back to the 70s, the 18s, 1870s.

So that was a mistake.

But anyway, the point is,

the point is, yeah, get into it.

So if you have to toil at the coal face of Panto,

you must, you've got to enjoy it, haven't you?

You've got to enjoy it.

So yeah,

you'd have a good time.

You'd accept that that's your life now.

Yeah, I'd accept that it's my life, but I'd accept that there's more likely of a way back from a life sentence

in a Russian kangaroo court sentencing me to life of hard labor in Siberia.

There's more likelihood of getting back into my career from that than there is from appearing in Panto.

Which is, let's face it, right up there with being on a cruise ship with, you know, the death knell being sounded for once career.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair enough.

We're going to talk a lot about food today.

We already know that you are a foodie.

You appreciate the fine foods.

When I first met you over 15 years ago, you were definitely in a phase at that point, and maybe it's not stopped, maybe you'll still do it, where you said to me, I only ever eat in Michelin-style restaurants now.

It was sort of, I mean, I don't know whether you've misremembered slightly, but that's what you said.

Perhaps I was trying to impress.

I think, well, there's a true there's a truth to that in that you get the good value.

The best value, I think, in restaurants is at the top end and at the bottom end.

You can get some really cheap thing for £1.70, good value.

And you can pay £200 for a really good meal and it's really good.

Where you lose out is on the sort of mid-range,

where it's just not particularly like the sort of Bella Ritalias and the places that are a bit better than the Bella Ritalias.

Yeah.

It's nothing.

You could cook it yourself.

It's not that good.

And it's money down the drain.

So yes, therefore, it is

one should eat in the Michelin style restaurants when one can.

I would like to see you host a consumer affairs show where you judge whether the things are money down the drain or not.

Because that is a catchphrase.

It's money down the drain.

Yeah, money.

That would be the name of my show.

Money down the drain.

And I would look at things that are down the drain, money-wise.

And would it be like Antiques Roadshow where members of the public bring stuff to you and you decide if it's money down the drain or not?

Or are you going to establishments and deciding if what they're selling is money down the drain?

Yeah, I'd go to establishments and there's obvious things.

But I find it hilarious that people are...

caught out by things like this.

Like I bought a fridge a few years ago.

Yeah.

A fridge and it cost about £200,

which is what you have to pay for a really quite good fridge.

I mean, you can really pay a lot of money for a really expensive fridge.

american ones if you want to do that yeah but you don't really it doesn't really make much difference it's a fridge yeah so 200 pounds for a fridge there's not much that could go wrong in a fridge

and it's under warranty for the first two years anyway and then they try and sell you a thing would you like peace of mind it's only 28 pounds 99 per year and if anything happens to your fridge it'll be replaced Like, does anyone actually just look at that and think, what are the chances of the fridge breaking down?

Low?

what are the chances that i'm going to end up paying a lot more like it's ridiculous why do people do it madness this is the sort of thing i'd say in my podcast

not podcast no it's not a podcast is it it's a tv show

i got confused this is a podcast this is really happening i forgot that this is real this is real

this is real tv show imaginary yes yes yes and if someone did pay 28 pounds a year just in case something happens with their fridge and goes along with it uh what what would that be well in it in the show they sign a thing that if they've been found to be putting money down the drain then i'll save some of that money yeah so i'll say 50 of the money that they're putting down the drain will be saved and the other 50 goes to me

so i will be siphoning yeah from people's bank accounts money yeah people who have made stupid decisions in the past yeah any bad decision i get half the money.

So in a way, going on the show is also money down the drain.

Yeah, it is.

It's massive, you know.

I might say to you, you've got an investment and you can say, oh, it's quite a good investment.

I'm getting 7% interest.

And if I found one with a higher interest, I'd say, you should have thought about that.

Higher interest.

So you then get the higher interest, but you pay half the difference to me, you see?

Yeah.

For life.

When you get them money down the drain, when that gets siphoned to you.

Yeah.

Do you have to pay tax on that?

Or is that tax-free?

Tax-free.

Good.

Yeah, because, well, it is, isn't it?

Yeah.

Because it's not earnings, is it?

It's just money I'm siphoning off.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a gift.

My accountant, I said, you know, how does it work with the tax situation with certain things?

Yeah.

Earnings tax at this rate.

Dividends tax at this rate.

Siphoning.

Has anyone ever paid tax on siphoning?

No, no, no, never.

Another thing you can do with siphoning is you can siphon money out.

Like you might have too much money and it's a bit of a problem.

I've got too much money here.

It's causing a problem because there's the

capital gains tax situation, big worry.

Siphon it out into the Cayman Islands.

Yeah.

So you can be siphoned off.

That's siphoned off.

Siphoned off.

Yeah, that's siphoned out.

Yeah, siphoned out is when it comes out of their bank account into me.

Sure.

And then that was then ironically siphoned off into other accounts around the world.

And then that gets siphoned up.

Yeah, that gets siphoned up into property portfolio.

Right.

Yeah.

Yes.

Because I would like to be wealthy enough that I don't have a house or even second home or even three homes.

A portfolio.

That's what I want to have.

A portfolio.

So you don't even really know what's in it.

Yeah.

Got a portfolio.

Oh, right.

I'm going to Hong Kong next week.

Shall I stay in a hotel?

I think I might have somewhere in Hong Kong.

Let me check my portfolio.

Yes, I've got somewhere in Hong Kong.

I could stay there.

Although the portfolio says someone's in there at the moment, it could be a whole I'll stay in a hotel.

Never mind.

So you always end up in a hotel anyway.

You always stay in a hotel.

Getting in your fantasy.

Getting the fantasy, yeah.

But then I might think, oh, well,

I need to expand the portfolio in certain areas, certain markets.

Would you ever like your property portfolio to include hotels?

Because then you've got yourself covered there if you buy hotel and you own hotels yeah i'd like to own a hotel and then you got a room whenever you want and you've got really i mean i stayed in a hotel in melbourne earlier in the year it wasn't my hotel no

i want to point out before i start the story yeah you know yeah it wasn't mine but i knew someone who knew the owner of the hotel best room in the in the hotel wasn't it all people at reception saying if there's anything you want anything at all just let us know yeah i mean that's just imagine if that was my hotel yeah i think they do say that to everyone though in hotels right oh do they

yes but i don't know i've never stayed in hotels

i don't stay in hotels often because i'm normally just in my one of my portfolios

i don't i'm not familiar with it i didn't know that i thought it was some special treatment i was getting that's disappointing i didn't know they said that to everyone yeah they offer to help anyone up um but was it was it the adena in melbourne it was not the adena it was the um

i've forgotten

Mantra.

The Mantra.

The Mantra.

I was there too.

The Mantra on Russell.

Oh, yeah.

Did they offer to help you or did they just tell you, oh, fuck yourself?

Yeah, they said, sorry.

Are you Paul Foot?

I said, no.

They said, no, we can't get you anything.

I mean, I'm surprised that you were able to stay in the same hotel as Paul since your history with him.

What do you mean?

Stalking him all the time.

You follow him around the country.

You're in phone boxes.

He didn't know I was there.

And you followed him to Melbourne now.

He's staying in the same hotel as well.

I was still in the same hotel.

You made a big mistake.

You wasted your money.

It was in Epping.

Yeah.

Oh, a different one.

Yeah, a different one near the airport.

Yeah, I wonder why I couldn't see you.

That's quite as trick ever.

Yeah.

Ever wonder why you have insurance for your car or home, but not your digital life?

Meet Webroot Total Protection, your digital bodyguard that is built for real life.

Webroot takes the guessing game out of cybersecurity so you can confidently browse, bank, and be yourself online without the worry of hackers lurking around the corner.

With Webroot Total Protection, you get antivirus that scans six times faster and takes up 33 times less space than the other guys.

Identity protection with up to $1 million in fraud expense reimbursement and 24-7 U.S.-based customer support.

VPN protection that hides your IP address, personal data, and location from hackers.

And cloud backup with unlimited storage that works automatically in the background.

With plans for individuals and families, Webroot makes it easy to live a better digital life.

Go to webroot.com forward slash promo and get 50% off today.

That's webroot.com slash promo to get 50% off today.

Live a better digital life with Webroot because peace of mind shouldn't be optional.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think colder!

Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites.

I participate in McDonald's for a limited time.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Paul.

Oh, yes.

Well, I think still water, and there's a reason for that, which sounds ridiculous.

But I am in good health.

Congratulations.

But I have one weird thing about me, which is not really a health thing.

And I only really realised eight months ago.

But I used to, if I had like sparkling water, anything sparkling, like sparkling cherry cola and things like that.

Then I would go all bloated inside.

And then if I had like all rich food, I would have to go to the like the loo and it'd have to release it in a really violent way that sounded like I was being sick.

One time I was at the Dorchester Hotel having one of those Michelin-style meals we talked about.

And then I said,

Show me where the loo is, please.

It's all very polite.

Who's this way, please?

Don't go so much, sir, and all that stuff.

Then I went in and there was like some really rich people in the loo.

It's the Dorchester.

And I just went,

like a vomiting sound.

But it's like a vomit sound.

Yeah.

But it isn't.

Yeah.

But it's like all the gas coming out all violently wow anyway and i couldn't work out what it was and i thought it was because i'm swallowing air as i'm eating eating too quickly and the kind of air's going in but anyway then suddenly i was having a conversation with a friend a few months ago and he said something about um oh i just did a little burp there and then i said what is burp

what i just said

i said what is burp Because I didn't really know what burp was.

I didn't know.

I'd heard the word, but I didn't know what burp was, you see.

And then I discovered that you can burp either loudly, like little burp, or silently.

But the point is, I realized that never in my whole life have I ever burped, ever.

I've never burped.

I didn't know what it was.

So

I've been training myself in burping because I looked it up online and it's quite rare what I've got.

It's quite rare, but you can have it done by under general anesthetic you have to have Botox injected into your sort of like down in the mouth.

Down in the throat that

to help you burp.

To help you because it opens it up and then you can burp after that.

But I was trying to do training because I saw an internet video of a man trying to do a burp and one time after brushing my teeth I managed to get my mouth all full of little toothpaste then I managed to do a belch

and I have been able to more recently do like release all the gas in like the vomity way but less loudly than before like I'd be on aeroplanes and like the cabin crew would say are you all right what's going on yes but anyway so you could so the problem is that you're getting all that gas in there but you'd have no way of releasing it other than this weird vomit sound I can't release it other than the weird vomit sound

but then strangely enough two weeks ago and I hadn't even eaten or anything I've been doing all this training you see and then I was just changing a record on my record player and suddenly I did did a burp.

And that's the first one in my whole life.

But I haven't done one since.

That was about three weeks ago.

But there's maybe a hope.

And the next step would be another burp.

And the next step after that would be a silent burp, which is like, that's like a real pipe dream to me at the moment.

I'm more likely to be in Panto with Christopher Biggins than

not that I want to.

No, you don't want to do that.

I don't want to do that.

It's not likely, but it's still...

So anyway, so

that's why, for that reason, I would have this still water.

So the last thing I need is more more bubbles inside me because of that thing.

It's got a fancy name for it.

Really not being able to burp.

Yes, and you can have it done, but you have to have it done privately.

And it costs about four thousand pounds or something.

But it's what concerns me is that, you know, you've got to find, it's privately and you've got to find someone who knows what they're doing.

It's not like the NHS when with the NHS you can have something done on the NHS for free and if it goes wrong you can then just live with it for the rest of your life.

But tell everyone and just say,

Yeah, the NHS, they let me down.

There's been so many cuts, so many cuts in the NHS.

It's a disgrace, it's been running to the ground.

I went through a routine operation on my hip, I've been in agony ever since.

I had a routine operation to check something to do with my gallbladder.

I've been incontinent ever since, and I can't have sex anymore.

It's a disgrace.

That's what's happened to the NHS.

And after it, they paid me just £15,000 compensation.

It's not much, is it?

Considering I've lost my sex life.

I've lost my sex driver.

I've lost my ability to,

you know, all that stuff.

So,

you know, if it's private...

you know, you can't do that.

No, no.

So it's best to make sure they know what they're doing.

Yeah, yeah.

So that's why I thought, why didn't I just train myself to do it?

It must be possible.

I mean, if you've done it where you were changing the record or you're recording player, that's a good start yeah maybe you remember what the album was you were listening to the music maybe that helps maybe it relaxed you vivaldi was it certainly not no it was uh js bach i wouldn't have been listening to vivaldi

talk about second rate

can't believe you just said that that's like the most insulting thing you can say the idea i was going to listen to vivaldi in my own home

in my private sanctuary when i finally got into my own home done a complete sweep of the whole house checked that Ed Gamble isn't there anywhere in the home and I can just relax the idea I'm gonna put Vivaldi on and then burp well it's it's insulting

that's all right James I do apologise

deep down I like you

yeah Publums or bread!

Poplums or bread, Paul for Poppadubs or bread.

Oh, Popadums or bread.

Poppadoms?

Lovely.

Yeah, they're nice, aren't they?

They are nice.

They're very nice.

I mean, it doesn't it's not gonna fit in with my meal, I don't think, because it's not an I don't think I'm gonna have an Indian meal particularly, but it's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's the best, isn't it?

Poppadoms.

Yeah.

With all the all the the little little pickles.

Yeah.

The little pickles.

And there's always one that no one likes.

The onion.

Yeah, people often disregard the onion.

The chopped onion bit.

I like the chopped onion one.

Well, that's because you can't burp.

So you never have to experience the onion burp.

Oh, no, I've never had that.

They don't repeat on you.

Oh, do they?

Well, I didn't know.

Yeah, Yeah you see you have to taste it again as it belches out because when you burp, which is what you're training yourself to do, if you've had onion, you then get the taste of onion in the burp.

Oh but when I do the little vomi thing, you definitely have to taste them.

It's real bad.

I mean, that is not, that's like concentrated onion.

Yeah.

It's like it's like a thousand French onion soups.

So forget about your little onion burp thing.

This is like concentrated onion trauma.

This is like 25 years in Siberia, hard onion, you know, it's just cutting onions for 25 years.

Yeah, and then you have it all with that belch.

You know how you say you can enjoy anything?

Does that go for the weird vomit sound?

Yeah, one has to enjoy every part of one's life, doesn't one?

If one can, you know, it's all part of life.

Yeah, it's all part of life.

It's all part, yeah.

So I make the best of it.

It's one of my, one of the big things that's going to happen in my life.

Yeah.

So yeah, if you think about it, I may be on the way to being cured, but even if there's say another 50 vomit moments in my life before the curing and I've learned how to do the burping, that's still 50.

I mean, that's about as long as this podcast.

Yeah.

So, you know, I might as well enjoy it.

Yeah.

Because that's the whole length of this podcast is just vomiting.

Which in many ways,

you know, is probably the reaction of some guests, I suppose.

Oh, yeah.

It's been said before.

A few of them.

You know, sort of doubled up.

Yeah.

But sort of thinking, what did I do that podcast for?

But then vomiting, repeatedly thinking about the podcast, but also checking the time to make sure that the vomiting, in some way, don't know why it makes a difference, but that it outlasts the length of the podcast.

Yeah.

If the vomiting is longer than the podcast, then you think, yeah, okay,

that's gone now.

It's over.

Somehow, in some sort of spiritual way, it's just exorcise.

Cancels it out.

Cancels it out.

Yeah.

So do you want all the dips of your pop-up?

Oh, yes, please.

You want all of them?

Yeah, yeah, that one, the mango-y one, I like the one.

Sweet honey.

Yeah, and the one that's

sort of the very hot one.

Yeah.

Yeah, I want that one.

The lime pickle.

The lime pickle.

And there's a fourth one that I can't remember what it is now.

It's like the writer, the

yoga one.

Oh, the yogazy one, yeah.

A bit of the yoga one.

Do you want to invent a dip as well?

Invent your own pop-a-dom dip, a brand new one, a Pulford special.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I really like Cherry Cola.

Yeah.

I mean, I say that.

I don't know why I say that because I only probably have it maybe every four years.

But like every four years, I have like a craving and it's overwhelming.

It can come on quite quickly.

Yeah.

It can come on within 15 minutes.

And I've gone from just normal life to just massive craving for Cherry Cola.

It happens about every four years to the extent that I'll go into shops and just be like, have you got Cherry Cola?

And then I have a bit of Cherry Cola and I just.

And the craving's gone

for four years.

That's nice.

So yeah, I'd have that flavor.

Yeah.

Dip, a Chericola dip.

A Chericola on my Popadom's.

So do you want actual just like a little saucer of Chericola?

Or do you want a sauce like a that has a consistency of like mayonnaise, but that is Chericola flavor?

Yeah, I think I want to do something a bit more Heston Blumenthal.

I want something that tastes of Chericola, but looks quite different.

Yeah.

I would like the sauce to look like crushed up bits of old poppadom.

Right.

It looks like bits of old poppadom, but it's actually much softer.

It looks hard, but it isn't soft.

And it's got cherry cola flavour.

Chericola, yeah.

That's going to blow people's minds.

Yeah, that will actually.

And it's got vitamins in as well.

So you don't have to bother eating the rest of the day because it's got all the vitamins.

That you'd need for a day.

For a day, yeah.

The whole day's vitamins.

Yeah.

All of that.

And it's got protein and everything that you need.

It's a complete meal, really.

Do you know, I only discovered it recently, that's another, you know, I don't know whether you've had the same thing, either of you, but when there's things that you just, you get to quite an age, like I'm nearly 50, and then there's things you just didn't know.

Like, I didn't know what was burp, for example.

And then there's other things,

like it was only when I was about 48 that I found out what a canyon was.

I didn't know what a canyon was.

I had no idea.

And then people would say, I've gone to the Grand Canyon.

And I didn't really, I just sort of would just sort of say, oh, that's nice.

It must be lovely to see it.

And then change the subject.

Because I didn't know what a canyon was i didn't know what that word was you didn't know what the grand canyon was your whole until you were 48 no i'd heard of it i knew it was near las vegas yeah but i didn't know what it was i didn't know what a canyon was you'd never seen a photo of it no i didn't know what the word meant and i'd never looked it up i don't know why i just never looked it up i always thought i must look it up yeah but someone would say something about a canyon i must look that up so i don't appear foolish next time yeah but then i would just forget about it and then i'd suddenly be like a nightmare into a conversation with someone, I've just got birth from a family holiday.

We went to know who got to flew over the Grand Canyon.

I think, oh, no, it's happening again.

And I think, I'm 47 years old.

I can't tell them.

I don't know what a canyon is.

Yeah, I guess canyons aren't coming up that often, though, right?

So

you think, oh, I should look that up.

And then it's so long until someone brings up canyons again, there was no point.

Yeah, it's about every four or five months on average.

An average.

That you meet someone someone who's either going to or coming back from the grand canyon yeah or just brings it up yeah an average healthy sexually active

adult yeah the sexually active wasn't really relevant there but that you know every four or five months you'll hear the word canyon yeah yeah or be and probably less often than that maybe once every 10 months be involved in a conversation about a canyon where you really have to then sort of add something to the conversation so yeah i really know what you mean there yeah that yeah grand Grand Canyon.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I get your meaning there.

I know what to say about that.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually,

this is what I'm doing now.

That's actually some of the training that Christopher Biggins had to do.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know about canyons.

That was some of his training.

He used to do that.

Yeah, I know about canyons.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I think, Paul, if I didn't know about something and someone brought it up and I wanted to disguise the fact I didn't know about it, I wouldn't use the phrase of, I get your meaning there.

Because that is opening up a whole world of issues.

If someone said to me, yeah, yeah, canyons, I know all about that.

That's when I'd be suspicious.

Yeah.

Yeah, you would be.

You still haven't told us what a canyon is, though, during all of this.

You're saying that you know what it is now?

I think I know what it is.

It's like a big kind of valley.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I didn't know that.

No.

I had no idea what it was.

I did not know that the Grand Canyon went down into the ground.

I didn't know what it was.

What did you imagine when people did say it?

Was it just a blank slate in your mind?

Or did you imagine something?

I half thought maybe it's some sort of mountain.

But then that didn't seem to make sense because people say we flew over it and you thought, well, why would you fly up over a mountain?

Yeah.

So then I thought maybe it's just some sort of thing with like a big lake and there's like trees around it or something.

It's kind of pretty.

Maybe it kind of reflects the sunlight in a particular way.

And people say, wow, what a canyon.

Look at the light, the way it's reflecting off that lake.

Yeah.

Well,

it's a particular type of lake that reflects the light in a particular sort of way.

It's called a canyon.

It's kind of what I thought it was.

A lake that reflects light in a certain type of way.

Yeah, that was some sort of docking site.

I didn't know.

Something like that.

I didn't really know.

I was guessing.

Is there anything nowadays that you're pretending to know about that you don't know about that you want to share on the podcast?

Because we can talk about it now.

Yeah, I think there was.

I think I brought this up.

Because I was going to say something that I didn't know.

Oh, yeah.

With reference to what we were talking about on the podcast.

I've completely lost my thread now of what it was we were saying.

I've got popped up to the sauce that you've got.

Yeah, and you were saying something about, did I want the cherry-cola?

I can't remember what it was.

Did you want it in a dish or did you want the sauce to just taste of cherry cola to be like mayonnaise?

That was do you not know what mayonnaise is?

Is that what this is?

Yeah, I knew what mayonnaise was.

There was something else I didn't know, something obvious.

Oh, I'll tell you what it was.

It was, I said about vitamins, and you said about protein.

I think you said protein.

Oh, I said protein, but that was something I only discovered like a year ago.

Yeah, I didn't know that protein is like food, like you can eat what like i thought i thought that food was only carbohydrate carbohydrates is what gave you gives you energy so you need carbohydrates like potatoes and things that gives you energy and i thought protein like eggs or what else is milk and things like that i thought chicken it doesn't give you energy it's just i thought if you eat chicken or eggs or stuff you'll have no energy because it doesn't you can't get energy out of it it's just like helps your bones you need it for your bones because otherwise your bones will just break break.

But I didn't know that it's energy.

I had no idea that you could eat protein and it gives it that is food that gives you energy.

Yeah.

I think that one is more because you're getting into the weed sort of scientifically there.

I think that's more understandable and acceptable than not knowing what a canyon is until you're 48.

You think that's good?

Yeah, I think the protein thing's fine.

I think that's all right.

Well, that's why I said the canyon thing first to sort of soften you up.

Yeah, it works.

So that when I said it, you weren't so shocked about the fact.

I knew that if I'd gone straight in with protein yeah you'd have been all over that head going on about it i know what you're like when you're getting your high horse and you'd have been going how could you not know yeah it's one of the foods you know you'd have been talking limp from limp yeah i would have been yeah yeah yeah but by sort of tricking you with a canyon thing which kind of wrong-footed you yeah and then pretending that i'd forgotten what i was saying earlier I tricked you a lot.

I tricked Ed Gamble.

Not for the first time.

Always having to be on the move.

Always making phone calls to hotels.

But actually, it's another hotel.

You think you know which hotel I'm going to, but it isn't that one.

That's how you do it.

Yeah.

Fake property portfolios left around on the desk.

You look in there and think, oh, I'll go there.

It's

one of his portfolio.

It's not.

It's a fake.

It's fake information.

Your dream starter, Paul Foote.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Yes, Dreamstarter.

I thought soup.

because I just think soup is so nice, isn't it?

Because you get the flavor of what the soup is, but without having to actually eat whatever the thing is.

You just get the flavour.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's so easy.

Just spoon it in.

There's no eating involved.

There's no chewing.

Flavour.

In it goes.

Flavour, flavour, flavour.

Do you not like chewing?

Well, I mean, I don't mind it.

No, it's all right.

But it's just if I'm going to have this dream meal, why not make parts of it easier for me?

Yeah,

just shove it in.

Yeah, makes sense.

So I want soup.

What flavor soup?

Well, again,

I thought of mushrooms because I love mushroom soups, my favourite.

But then, or pea, love a bit of pea.

But then I thought, what about quail?

Because I like quail, but it's a bit fiddly to eat, isn't it?

There's quite a lot of flavor of quail.

It's fiddle, fiddle, fiddle, fiddling around with that quail, you know.

And then I thought, what about quail and champagne?

Because then I wouldn't even have to bother.

I could have champagne with it, but wouldn't have to even bother with having a glass of champagne.

Yeah.

It would all be there.

It would all be in the soup.

In the soup.

So you want quail and champagne soup?

Yes.

Lovely.

Because I also think, like, you know, when you're having a meal and then they say, oh, this wine goes to the food.

I never quite know when, like, they say you should take a mouthful of the food and then have a bit of the wine.

Yes, it goes with it.

But do you have to, like, if you get some of the food in your mouth, do you have to then get the wine in as well all together and then sort of chew it to get all the flavours together?

Or can you have the food and swallow that and then get get the wine in?

It has to be quite really fresh in.

You still got the flavor.

You've got a bit of the flavor of the chicken and the pesto sauce.

And get the wine in, get the wine in, because it pairs well.

This particular wine

goes very well with the pesto.

The notes of grapefruit really complement the pesto.

So you still got the pesto flavor, get the wine in.

Or what?

You know, it's are you allowed to just sometimes have a mouthful of food and not have the wine?

Are you allowed to just have a mouthful of the wine?

It's difficult to know.

Yeah.

And I just think, wouldn't it be easier if they just get the food and the wine and just blend it together?

Because they go together.

And that's where I had the idea.

It's just shove it all together in a soup.

Yeah.

Is the champagne still fizzy when it's in the soup?

Well, I hope so.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like it to be.

To retain the fizz.

Yes, in fact, why not make it into an aspic?

Make it into like a jelly, a jelly soup.

And then you could have the bubbles in, couldn't you?

Aren't you rolling the dice a little bit if you have anything fizzy that's got bubbles in it?

Oh, yes, you're right, yes.

Because then you might have to do them with a...

Yeah, no, I don't, yes, until I've done the training, you're right.

So in that case, I'll have the champagne flattened prior to.

I want the flavour of quail

and flat champagne.

Yeah, yeah.

Quail and flat champagne.

In an aspic still?

In an aspic.

Is it all jelly all the way through?

It's jelly, yeah.

It's a jelly soup.

It's a jelly soup.

So it's jelly.

It's a soup that's been jellied.

Yeah, it's jelly.

Jelly soup.

Yeah, jelly.

Yeah.

It's a savoury jelly.

Yeah, and you're sort of slurped that and not chew it because you don't want to chew it.

So, like, yeah, I don't have to chew jelly.

You can swallow jelly whole, yeah, but it doesn't matter because it just dissolves inside your tummy, doesn't it?

Yes, so it's the only thing you can, but the only apart from mashed potato, you can have mashed potato, just swallow it down.

Yeah, I can't think of anything else you can just swallow down without chewing it that's solid.

Yeah, yeah, it's a good question.

Um, I guess many pure, like purees, any pure, any puree or any jelly, yeah, yeah, Or aspic.

Yeah.

Or aspic.

I like the word aspic.

Yeah.

Sounds sophisticated, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I think it sounds like cleaning products.

You're thinking of asbestos.

And harpic.

Yeah, and harpic.

Yeah.

Which together make an awesome combination.

A little bit of asbestos from a condemned building, the bit of harpic, put it around your

loo, and you're not going to be worrying about toilet stains in the toilet bowl for long because you'll be dead.

From asbestos, size, size you know that thing you get from asbestos you'll be dead yeah quite soon that's literally money down the drain isn't it if you do that to yourself well if it's well it depends how much it costs yeah you say literally money down the drain but how much does it cost to get asbestos you can get it for people will pay you to take it away yeah to be honest so it's actually the opposite of money down the drain yeah your money it's actually a good investment it's actually your life down the drain and money for your children or other beneficiaries to your will make sure you you make a will before doing that cleaning.

Yes.

Because you will be dead shortly.

You'll be dead.

You will be dead.

You'll be dead, yeah.

What's that setting us up for?

What's your dream main course?

I thought fillet steak.

I love fillet steak.

And I don't like the other steaks.

You know, when people say, oh, I prefer, I prefer sirline.

A little bit of the fat in it gives it the flavour.

Oh, have you tried when rimba oh i know you say you don't like tea bone but try this it's exceptional it's not exceptional they're just awful it's all gristle aren't they uh you can't it's all gristle all those other ones rump and all those ones terrible i disagree with you paul but that little character you did there was like an impression of me

that's what you like you like the oh it's got smarbling

and got the marbling it gives it the flavor and it all dissolves away when you kink it it doesn't dissolve away when you, but it's all chewy.

Like when I was a child, I used to hate meat because it was always,

I'd sit there at the table and it was all going round around my mouth and it was all chewy and I couldn't get rid of it.

Then I'd have to go to the toilet and like flush it down when no one was looking.

It was just awful.

Where would you keep it in between?

Were you have it in your mouth when you went to the toilet and then spit it out?

Yeah, I had it in my mouth and I'd have to sort of make excuses.

Oh, just point, you know, but they knew.

It was all in my cheeks, all that gristle gristle yeah and i and also you know when i say gristle i do mean fat i do always just call anything that isn't pure lean meat gristle yeah i've always done that yeah why why i don't know it's just because it's just awful isn't it you know like um when i go to my local butcher sometimes i'll get like a chicken breast and then i say there's gristle there's not really gristle just a bit of fat on it and then sometimes like one other but another butcher has to come over because they say it's all right we know what to do with pool Like they know they have to get rid of every single tiny bit of fat off it.

It's just awful.

You hate it.

Hate it.

The only time I don't hate it is I only had it the other day.

I hadn't tried it before, but I had wagyu beef.

And I don't think that was fillet, but it was all it was quite fatty.

There's a lot of marbling in that.

A lot of marbling, but it was like proper marbling.

Not like from your cheap old Aldi

sirline steak thing that you eat and pretend that you're satisfied with.

This was like like proper wagyu it's all like being massaged they've massaged the lovely little cow and everything and it's just it was like chopping into a beef burger it was so soft yeah and it was just pure meat with the fat all marbled through it that was nice yeah but even better wagyu fillet steak and then not only do you have the tenderness of the wagyu no gristle at all so you would like a wagyu fillet steak yeah wagyu fillet steak would that be your dream yeah you might be the first person Have we had Wagyu before?

Maybe.

We've chatted about it before.

We've chatted about it.

I don't know if anyone's paying for it specifically.

How do you like that cook's pool?

To what temperature?

Quite rare.

Yes.

Yes, rare.

What do you think of people who have like well done?

It's appalling, isn't it?

I mean, obviously, I don't want to sit here and tell people how to live their lives.

But, you know, what sort of person would...

I like it.

Well done.

You know, it's pathetic, isn't it?

Can I have it medium, well done?

And they're the even worse people.

Medium, too, well done.

I mean, just admit what you want.

You want it well done.

Just say that.

Don't try and sound sophisticated by saying medium well done.

Just say, just say, I don't appreciate the meat.

I want it cooked to a cinder.

I want it cooked to a cinder until it's all gone all dry because I'm British and it's the only way I've ever had it.

I can't possibly like the idea of any blood coming out.

And just say, well done.

Have it like that.

Yeah, well said.

Yeah.

Yeah.

i i i like to go to because if you go to a restaurant especially british ones they always cook it a bit more like if you say medium rare they'll always do it medium and so on because they're just too sort of scared to serve anything with any blood so i like to say could i have it really really well done until it's actually dried out and ruined because that's how you're going to do it anyway wasn't it

That's what I like to say.

That shows them.

I imagine the answer is no to this, but do you want any sauce on the sometimes people like a sauce on their steak.

Yeah.

Peppercorn sauce or something?

Yeah, I like a sauce.

Oh, you do?

Well, this is similar to the soup, really, isn't it?

Because I can have any flavor I want.

Yes.

Yeah.

You know, so I could have peppercorn.

Yeah.

But I could have anything.

Cherry cola.

You got a cherry cola sauce, couldn't I?

Sometimes people, you know, cook meat in cola, don't they?

Yeah.

And cola goes into barbecue sauce sometimes.

So I actually think that that would work as a sauce.

Yeah, but I've had a better idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Poppadom sauce.

No one's expecting that, are they?

No.

It looks like cherry cola but it tastes a poppadom and also you bread sauce is a thing yeah so therefore why not have poppadom sauce you know like why does why doesn't that exist in the world already you know yeah why doesn't it yeah so i think you've done a good thing there yeah i've invented something yeah you've invented something properly popped on sauce that looks like cherry cola yeah yeah yeah well i haven't invented that i've invented poppadom sauce i have no idea how to make it look like cherry cola that's beyond my abilities i'd have to get like heston blumental for it.

Well the genie the genie can do that.

I can do that for you.

Oh can you?

I can make anything you want.

If you want it to look like cherry colour but tastes like poppadum sauce, done.

Yeah I'd like that.

Yeah you can have that on your steak.

On your steak.

Phillip Wagu.

Phillip Wagu, yeah.

No gristle.

There'll be no gristle, I promise.

We know how to deal with Paul.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what I could do.

This is just a silly idea.

I could have, I mean, I don't think you want silly ideas, really, do you?

I think we're we just we're talking about a poppadum sauce that looks like cherry cola.

So I think we're okay with whatever you're about to say I could have a sauce that tastes like gristle see what it's like because I've never eaten gristle yeah because whenever I've tried to eat some gristle no some people just eat gristle don't they you see them oh lovely

like that fat all around the bit of ham eat fat yeah they don't eat actual gristle but they eat fat yeah

it's getting confusing because you call you seem to call everything gristle it's gristle yeah yeah what do you think of i call you gristle yeah you that's actually my affectionate name for you

but sometimes in times when ed's like stalking me yeah yeah there are little times when there's just a moment like it might be a moment when i'm just frantically getting my bedroom door closed trying to get the privacy lock over yeah desperately trying to push his foot out so he does and he's trying to i'm trying to push back a knife that he's trying to get to the door

yeah i know it's quite

you're the one who does it mate when i say knife gamble does it i mean a butter knife because uh yeah yeah you know he's trying to butter you're trying to butter me up he's trying to butter me up literally he's actually spent the whole evening buttering me ed gamble got mixed up with the phrase.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So

Ed Gamble, he treats me like a crumpet.

Yeah.

Anyway, after such nights as that, sometimes there's just a moment.

There's like hatred in both of our eyes.

You know, like as we look at each other,

get out of me.

Just get out of my room.

And he's, I want to put more butter on you.

And sometimes there's just a little moment of like human connection between us.

Almost as if we've both had enough of all the stress and all the worry.

And then I just say, all right, Gristle.

That's my little little affectionate name

and then and then Ed Gamble blows me a little kiss and I close the door a little kistle and that's that's the end for that for that day

to the morning

and the nightmare just starts

ever wonder why you have insurance for your car or home but not your digital life meet webroot total protection your digital bodyguard that is built for real life webroot takes the guessing game out of cyber security so you can confidently browse, bank, and be yourself online without the worry of hackers lurking around the corner.

With Webroot Total Protection, you get antivirus that scans six times faster and takes up 33 times less space than the other guys.

Identity protection with up to $1 million in fraud expense reimbursement and 24-7 U.S.-based customer support.

VPN protection that hides your IP address, personal data, and location from hackers.

And cloud backup with unlimited storage that works automatically in the background.

With plans for individuals and families, Webroot makes it easy to live a better digital life.

Go to webroot.com forward slash promo and get 50% off today.

That's webroot.com slash promo to get 50% off today.

Live a better digital life with Webroot because peace of mind shouldn't be optional.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check lift.

Your dream side dish.

Oh, dream side dish.

Well, can I have Dover Soul sashimi?

Of course you can, yeah.

Because I really like sashimi.

Yeah.

I just love it.

It's the best.

It's like one of the best things ever, isn't it?

When you get really good sashimi, it's so good.

And I did think I could have all a selection of sashimis.

But then one time I was in a restaurant in Tokyo and it was Mitchin three-starred, but it was very unpretentious because it's Japan.

And I had like some of the best food ever there.

I had like a carrot.

It was the best carrot I've ever tasted in my whole life.

I don't know how they cooked a carrot so well.

And part of the meal was Dover Soul sashimi.

And also the restaurant, it was called Grunt.

but if you translated it yes it was a kind of fish called grunt anyway it was so nice so i just thought can i just like absolutely have loads of dovasol sashimi great it's expensive i just can have that yeah yeah in fact i might even cut down a bit on the fillet steak just so i can just really go really make room for the dover soul for the dova sol sashimi restaurant called grunt it's called grunt well in japanese

It's the Japanese name for the fish called Grunt.

It's named after the fish called Grunt.

It's not called Grunt, like Grunt.

yeah yeah it's not like it's not a biggins no it's not christopher no that's the christopher biggins restaurant which is ironically also called grunt yes from his days when he was trying to be all masculine yeah yeah he had a restaurant joke yeah right welcome yeah he he was the matrix d there he'd welcome people yeah welcome to the restaurant welcome to grunt

he'd say trying to be all masculine and and sort of that was the thought that was the theme of the restaurant

masculine masculinity masculinity was a theme but it soon went wrong by the time people were even you know by the time people are just even

getting their starters it would already turn into a big camp fest

Christopher Piggins going around saying who's for another little savory mouthful

I wouldn't mind one myself and all that it was like that you know and it went on like that for the rest of the evening so this Dover Soul sashimi sounds brilliant I think that's a wonderful choice.

Yeah, I think it's nice.

Wonderful choice.

Have you got soy and wasabi to do any dipping or do you do you leave that alone?

Yeah, a bit of dipping.

A bit of dipping.

A bit of dipping.

And also the opportunity to look sophisticated.

I put my

wasabi

in the sauce.

I only put half the wasabi in.

That's my method.

Using the chopsticks, showing your sophistication.

Yeah, yeah.

Always fun, particularly if there's someone who doesn't use the chopsticks at the meal who has to use a fork.

Yeah.

What do you think of those people?

Do you think they're worse than the people who have a steak done, well done?

Yeah.

Give these a fork to their sushi.

I never used to be able to use the chopsticks actually until I was about 10 years ago, actually.

I never could do it.

But one time I was on a flight from Sydney to Tokyo and I sat next to a Japanese lady and I just observed her and I learnt everything from.

Why are you looking like that?

Because you're having a go at me for waiting for you in a phone box and you sat next to a woman you didn't know and washed her hands for the whole flight.

Yeah, well, I wanted to see what she was doing with her chopsticks.

And I learnt everything from that.

You didn't ask her, did you talk to her and say, what's the secret?

Yeah, I mean, the way you paint it in a very different light,

but you know, I think

it wasn't like we were having a big, long chat the whole flight, but it wasn't like I didn't say anything either.

You know, we would have had a couple of exchanges.

It was very nice, food.

Yes, you're having the

Japanese dish as well.

Oh, you're very nice.

Yes,

something like that.

You're very nice.

No, the sashimus are not your very nice that you said to her you're like the japanese as well you're very nice i thought you said that as well but well yes she was she was she was very nice she was very nice person you know yeah but i didn't mean it like that but you observed her yeah i observed her and now you live your life like her in all in all ways

or just the chopsticks yeah in that in some ways i i live my life in that way you know because uh i use it the chopsticks with her and also if i were to ever fly to japan again i would be going there for

a euthanasia session yeah like her like she was you know

it's her final journey

so

she said look I she said I've had enough you know

I've had a I've had a you know

she said I've got a terrible disease and I've had a good life but I'm going back see my family and then it's a euthanasia session end it all so I can assure you the fact I kept saying you're very nice and looking at her hands she wasn't bothered

she was well beyond all that.

She just thought, if there's some weird pervert looking at my hands, fine, let him.

Within minutes of getting off the plane, she was dead.

She actually went straight into.

She didn't even bother going through immigration.

She didn't even bother re-entering her own nation.

Just as soon as she got into the sort of arrivals area, they just put an injection in her and off she went.

I mean, in some ways, it wasn't strictly euthanasia.

It was more of a, more of an assassination.

Yeah.

But

she knew about it.

It was a pre-wonist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, in fact, she had said to me, please help me.

I'm in danger.

There's assassins.

I'm going back to Japan.

I want to go back.

I don't want to live my whole life in exile in Sydney.

But there's a danger.

I said, don't worry.

I'll be looking out for you.

Don't worry.

If I'm here,

you'll be safe.

She felt, I think, comforted to know that I had her back.

I was going to be.

And

as soon as these people all went around

with syringes and

chloroform and poison darts and various other killing methods, as soon as they did that,

I said, oh,

transfers this way.

I was off.

Yeah, there's too much to handle.

There's a lot for you to take on all at once, isn't it?

We've all had that.

Make your excuses.

You know, on a plane, you sort of bond with someone on the plane.

Yeah.

And then you say, oh, we'll keep in touch.

Yeah, yeah.

And, oh,

you're taking the same flight, are you?

To South Star.

Yeah, I'll see you on there.

And then they just give you the slip.

And then you never see them again.

Similar to that, but much worse.

Because

I had promised that I would protect her.

I'd protect her life.

She said to me, you know, you're a stranger.

but we have a connection now because you are guaranteeing my life.

You're going to protect me.

And she said, that shows what decency you have as a human being because ultimately you will protect me.

And I said, well, it doesn't really matter that i don't know you that's just what one does for another human being another we're all part of one human race yes and so i'm going to protect you i didn't no

no she she was into the arms of the assassins

do you remember her name uh yes yes i remember her name but you can't say it out i can't say it for legal reasons but you hold it in your heart you think of it every day every time you use chopsticks every time i use chopsticks yeah i i think of her name yeah and every time

every time I don't use chopsticks, like other times of the day when I'm not using chopsticks, I also think of her because I think, well, I sent her to the to her death.

Yeah, it was my fault.

So, yeah.

Yeah, that's gonna weigh heavy.

But yeah, so I think of her all the time, really.

It weighs heavily on my conscience.

But when I'm using chopsticks, that's when I say her name over and over again.

Yeah.

Sort of like a mantra.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Which is ironically a hotel,

which I stayed in a different one to you.

Yeah, a different one to me.

Yeah.

Yeah, one step ahead.

Your dream drink, Paul?

Our dream drink.

Well, I wanted a question about this.

When's the drink administered, sort of thing?

Because...

Whenever you want.

Yeah, well, that's the point.

I mean, do I can I just do I choose one drink?

Like, for example, I might like a porn star martini.

Yeah.

It's a really nice drink.

that didn't even exist like 12 years ago.

It's amazing.

Someone just invented that 12 years ago.

But I might want that one.

I wouldn't want it for the whole thing.

I wouldn't want that with the dover stole sashimi well we could give you maybe the the porn style martini when you when you come into the restaurant that's like the the welcoming drink yeah welcoming drink and then we could give you another drink for the food so it's just one drink so it's not very sophisticated no no we can't no we could give you a different drink i mean you know normally with a tasting menu you have a different you can have a different but you can do that because if you want well why didn't you say that earlier

we wait for people to to hack hack the format oh i see you wait for people yeah you can you can have a porn style martini when you arrive yeah Yeah, I have that when I arrive.

So, and that's champagne.

Oh, porn star martini, it's like that passoa, isn't it?

It's that passion fruit.

Often got a half passion fruit in the top that they say.

It's got a half passion fruit in the top, and then it comes with a little shot of Prosecco, doesn't it?

Right.

Yeah, so you're doing that.

But I'll change that for a shot of quail and

champagne.

Flat.

Flat champagne, aspic.

Yeah, yeah.

So I can get a bit more.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'll have that that's my shot yeah

do you like porn stars do i like porn stars yeah i think they're great you know i wouldn't have expected you to drink a porn star martini it's not something i wouldn't have i wouldn't have guessed with you well i like i like sweet flavors like passion fruit it's nice and i also find it i so funny i i mean it's just it's a good example of marketing isn't it because it's got nothing to do with porn stars at all it just sounds like it's like the person who invented that cocktail what's it called a slow comfortable screw or something against the wall, against the wall, yeah.

And they thought, aren't I being clever?

And it's going to really take off.

It didn't take off.

Yeah.

It's just a novelty.

No one actually gets it.

Occasionally, it's on the menu.

People say, who can I have a slow, comfortable screw?

And then someone else says,

I can see what's all the evening it's turning into.

You know, a little joke like that.

It's all part of the flirtation.

It's all part of the night.

Yeah.

But it's harmless.

It's harmless.

Well, it's not always harmless.

No.

Not in the case of that Japanese lady.

Because the flirtation turned into death.

Was that what started her being hunted down then?

A conversation like that?

She was ordering a cocktail.

She asked for a slow, comfortable screw against the wall.

Yeah, she asked for a slow, comfortable screw against the wall.

I said, did you say shot against the wall?

She said, oh, that sounds fun.

A shot against the wall.

Is that like a shot of like a shot of something?

As I stand against the wall, sounds fun.

I said, well, you'll find out as soon as you get off this plane.

So you had her killed.

Yeah,

this is one of the reasons why the guilt is so heavy on me.

I was the one.

In fact, I haven't really explained the story.

When we got off the plane, I said, I'll protect you.

I just got to pop to the loo, you see.

Then I came back as the assassin.

Yeah.

I said, hello.

You know, would you like to go against the wolf?

You're shot.

And she was shot.

You know, so it was me.

I was the

assassin all along.

But I went back into the loo, came back as me she was like where were you to protect me and then there was a sort of a moment as she lay there dying when she realized that I was both all along and she was like you were the assassin and I said that's right crystal

because that was my uh pet name for her yeah as it happens quite coincidentally the same one I've got for

well I'm scared now scared for my life it's the same one but anyway that was her so you were the last thing she saw was she looking at you as she died uh well

the lights flickered out i wouldn't say that no because you still had a connecting flight to um to uh to to kyoto did she make that oh yeah yeah

she made that she was she was she was severely injured but she um she made it through the connecting flight so it's only a 45 minute flight champions yeah it's only a short flight you're only 30 minutes in transit you're straight on the flight i mean yeah i don't know what sort of death you think she had but it wasn't wasn't that quick well i mean i i don't know what sort of a death i think she had at one point she was she was injected with something.

Another point they surrounded her and injected her and like poison darts.

And poison darts and all sorts.

And now it's you shooting her.

And then she got away.

So

I don't know how she's died on this

protecting flight.

No, no.

I mean, she pulled through.

She's alive.

Is she still alive?

She's still alive.

She was injured, injured, in many ways quite shaken.

Yeah.

But she's still alive.

Oh, good.

Well, good.

She's living a happy life.

I still write to be pen pals.

So you've got a porn star martini as you arrive.

Yeah.

But then what drinks do you want with the different courses?

Do you have how many?

How many different drinks do you want?

Well, could I have 12?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, have you said 12 with 12 in mind?

Or have you said 12 and now you've got to think of 12 drinks?

I've said 12 and I've got about four in mind and now I've got to quickly think of my feet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know the feet.

You know what that's like, John.

Oh, yeah, I know, yeah.

When you're on a podcast and you say something silly, and then you think, what have I done?

Yeah.

I felt a bit like that with that story about that when it when I said about me going into the loo yeah and I thought that doesn't really tie into the

those people all surrounding her with the poison darts but I thought I'm sure James will just roll he's not gonna pick me up on that he won't mention it he's not gonna say oh there was a there was a something in the story didn't make sense he won't mention it he'll just let it go but you did yeah I mentioned it yeah and then and then I said she's still alive and the whole story kind of fell apart at that point didn't it no no I think we've we've got a very clear yeah view of that story oh you think it's clear i guess yeah we know everything that happened in that story is very clear all right well pinot de charon yeah that would be one of my drinks are we including the porn star martini porn star martini is one of the 12.

yeah pinot de charon yeah because i was that makes you sound sophisticated to order something like that doesn't it yeah yeah pinot de charon sounds very nice so i have that as a peritif yeah Camparian soda.

Oh, it's a classic, isn't it?

It's lovely.

It's a classic for a reason.

It's bitter.

I love bitter flavours.

Yeah.

I love all the.

I used to think that I wasn't very sophisticated, like with wine, because I like all the wines.

But then I realized that's because I like all the flavours.

I like sweet, I like bitter, I like sour.

I like umami, the fourth flavor.

Yeah.

And I also, I don't like the fifth flavour.

What's the fifth flavour?

Shit.

It's not good, is it?

Like even in a

but even in a small dose it's not good no it's never it never adds to it it's not good it's horrible it's a horrible flavor bitter sweet sour

and shit

i'm done we've got a lot of drinks to get through here paul yes yes all right all right

just

yeah

we've had three haven't we i believe so yeah so um have we Yeah, we've had three.

Yeah, Pinot de Chiron.

Let's not go through it all again.

Please.

Actually, let's keep going through it.

Let's keep adding one and then having to go through them.

Yeah.

You've got Polstar Martino, Martini, Pinot de Chiron, Campari and soda.

Yeah, after that, Sherry.

Yeah, have a sherry.

I love your sherry.

Not sherry.

Then after that, Chardonnay.

Nice Chardonnay.

Nice wine.

Yeah, very nice.

After that, a nice other white wine.

Another white wine.

Any white wine.

Riesling.

Yeah.

Never Riesling.

Yeah, you like Rieslings.

After that, can I have shit juice, but not have it?

Just leave that one.

So it's one of the drinks, but I leave it.

So I only drink 11 of them.

Yes.

Shit juice.

Shit juice, but you're not going to have it.

Taste of shit.

It's the essence of shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you're not going to have it.

But you'll have it.

You spot it there.

Yes.

As a reminder of, like, at least I'm not drinking that.

How good you've got it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's not actually shit.

Because it reminds me of, you know, there's that thing at the

modern art thing in Hobart in that

museum there.

Yeah.

Where they've got a machine that makes human shit.

Wow, I didn't know that.

So they like like they've got a machine that they put food into and it in every way imitates a great big machine.

Exactly the same chemicals that are in the human body.

And it makes shit.

And it takes the exact same amount of time, right?

So people turn up to the museum to see the machine poop yeah have you been there no but i've i've read about it yeah so it comes out yeah but it's not real poo because it's it kind of is real but isn't sure because it's just like chemical wow so i'd have the same i'd make the i'd make it chemically yeah sort of chemical flavoring yeah see when it from that machine yeah from that machine yeah from hope bar

the essence of from that museum and hope art yeah actually i'll tell you what i might do one of my favourite flavors is bubblegum flavor

And did you know that bubblegum flavour is made from banana and strawberry, but it's a special chemical thing.

So it's only one aspect of the chemicals that make banana and one aspect of the chemicals that make strawberry.

I didn't know.

I didn't know that.

So it's just like one bit of the sort of thing.

So I could do the same with shit.

Just like a little bit of the...

shit.

I thought you've got one aspect of the shit.

I thought you were going to have a bubblegum flavoured thing, but no, you're still on the shit.

You're still on the shit.

Yeah, you're still on the shit juice.

Actually, I've changed my mind.

Can I?

Yeah,

I'll have a bubblegum.

Bubblegum-flavoured drink.

Yeah, bubblegum-flavoured drink instead of the shit juice.

Yeah, you say, forget the shit juice.

It's disgusting.

I don't want it.

So, we've done seven so far.

You've got five more drinks to go.

I'm glad you're not having shit juice, Paul.

It's horrible.

Yeah.

Yeah, bubblegum.

Bubblegum juice.

Juice.

Okay.

Bubble gum stuff.

Yeah.

And then maybe some nice red wine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe a light one.

A light red one.

A light red wine.

Yeah.

And then a heavy one.

Yeah.

Nice, heavy French red wine.

Balance it out.

Yeah, balance it out.

Yeah.

Oh, can I have chartreuse?

Yes.

Yeah.

Because I like that.

Yeah.

And I've got like a bit of a relationship with chartreuse.

Yeah.

On many.

I don't know.

Sometimes it's the drink I go to after having had many other drinks.

I always go to a chartreuse.

One time I landed in Brazil and...

I must have had a few wines on the plane because when we got off, I kept going on about, let's go to a favela.

And then I kept saying, they don't have any chartreuse.

and the favelas you know I was a danger yeah I could have died that night yeah yeah yeah yes two more drinks Paul two shamborg lovely I had an incident once at terminal three Heathrow terminal three chambour what happened to you that was that well it was killing another woman a Kieroyal station

champagne with chambort yeah but I was particularly having a bit of chambour and then I kept saying just one more shambour just one more shamborg then eventually they said you have to get onto your aircraft now or it will leave.

Air travel seems to be a real issue for you.

A lot of the sort of hot points in your life come during air travel.

Well, at the times I've assassinated people, things like that.

Yeah, but then there's the Favela Chartreuse incident.

And then Heathrow.

One more Shambor.

Yes, yes.

It has been a flash point.

Yeah.

You know, it is a danger.

And your final drink?

Final drink.

You've got one more drink left.

Final one.

The final.

Maybe it is your final one ever.

Do you want it to be?

Oh, what, like that horrible stuff they give you in dignitasse, you mean?

That's a drink, isn't it?

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, I don't think I want that.

I don't want that.

Something nice.

No, something nice.

What about a nice glass of milk?

Yes, a nice glass of milk.

Semi-skimmed?

Skimmed?

Full fat?

Full fat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did that once again on a plane

because I was on a plane at Bermuda and it was nine in the morning.

And they said, would you like a drink before takeoff?

And I said, a gin and orange, which just seems very eccentric because it's like flying to New York.

It's an American Airlines flight to New York.

You do not order a gin and orange at nine in the morning in America.

They were just like, what?

Yeah.

Gin and orange.

And then I drank it.

And I was ever so slightly tipsy because I'd had a gin and orange before even takeoff.

And I wrote some comedy about the fat dove.

It was a dove who was really fat.

It was quite successful.

You know, I did it in

one of my shows.

And then later, the Karen Coo person came through and said what would you like and i thought i've got to really come out with something here because she's she's thinking oh i'm gonna say yeah gin and orange so i just said a glass of milk please and she just said good come back

like she knew she knew i had foxed her she knew i outplayed her because she was like she knew that she thought was thinking i was going to say oh another gin and orange was going to be like another gin and orange that's what you want but it's still only yeah a quarter to ten in the morning.

Yeah, with her eyes.

She wouldn't have said that, obviously, because she's professional camera, but she'd done it with her

in her eyes.

Or she'd have, I'd have said something like a coffee.

She'd say,

you know, having play at Stave, have a coffee.

Yeah, yes.

Had too much gin, did you earlier?

Having a coffee, but I absolutely outplayed her.

Glass of milk.

We arrive at your dream dessert, Paul.

Ah, yes.

Can I have souffle?

Because souffle is so fun, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

It's brilliant.

Anything with souffle.

And I was thinking about flavour.

And then I was thinking about rambutan.

I like rambutan.

I don't know what rambutan is.

Well, it's a bit like a lychee, isn't it?

But different, slight different flavour.

And it's really lovely flavour.

Again, you've just got all the flavour in the souffle.

No need, a bit like the soup.

There's no need to bother with all like peeling the rambutane and getting the thing and getting the stone out.

Just get straight into the flavour.

and then i was thinking about other things like lychee i love and passion fruit and all the other fruits and then i was thinking like when i was in penang in malaysia and like i had all these fruits that i've never heard of before or since with amazing flavors yeah so could i have a special souffle so every mouthful it's a different fruit yeah yes of course you can absolutely so each mouthful it changes that sounds delicious yeah and dessert souffle it's very special they are they are very nice yes And could I have violet flavour?

I know that's not a fruit, but could I have that as one of my flavours?

Like a palmer violet flavour.

Yeah, like violet flavour.

Yeah, palm or violet flavour.

And rose flavour.

I like rose.

I like the idea you can get a rose and make that into cooking.

Yeah, it's mad.

It's brilliant, isn't it?

Yeah, that is bonkers.

So you want rose, you want violet.

You want lychee.

You want mambutan.

Passion fruit.

Passion fruit.

I want dragon fruit.

Yeah.

Which I was always used to be disappointed by because it looks so pretty from the outside and not so much inside.

But then I realized there's a real delicacy to the flavor.

You have to be prepared to probe into the flavor of the dragon fruit.

Yeah, yeah, you can't just be, you know, you've got to be sophisticated.

Yeah.

So, those are some of the flavours.

You've got one flavor to be like a certain aspect of a banana and another flavor to be a certain aspect of a strawberry.

Yeah, so we have that.

Yeah.

Bubble gum flavor.

Yeah.

And cherry flavour, sour cherry flavor.

Oh, yeah.

Now, I did something about three years ago, which was I went to Greece and I was with a friend of mine and then we went to Piraeus.

We spent some time in Greece.

Then we went to Piraeus, which is that port because we were taking a boat somewhere.

And he said, would you like a drink?

Because we were waiting for the ferry.

And I said, because I hadn't had it for like 25 years, sour cherry juice.

Because you used to be able to get that in Britain like 25 years ago.

So I just said it because I just thought, gets him out of my hair for a bit.

And to my amazement, he comes back 30 seconds later with sour cherry juice.

Wow.

They sell it in Greece.

Wow.

In Piraeus, that's where to get it.

I had yesterday, I had,

there's that cola that's called green cola.

Are you familiar with that, Brad?

Oh, no, what's that?

It's like a diet cola, but it's all like quite natural ingredients and like it tastes a bit more maybe botanical than some other diet colas, but it's very nice.

One of the things they do is sour cherry.

Oh.

And that's not a sour cherry cola, it's just like sour cherry kind of fizzy drink.

Oh, and I had that yesterday as I was walking here, actually, and it was very, very nice.

I hadn't had it, hadn't had it before, and they really nailed it.

Well, how did you get me a can?

If only I knew.

Yeah.

If only I knew, but I got it from the Holland and Barrett.

Oh, well, I'll go to Holland and Barrett and get one.

Yeah.

Do you want the flavour of that in one of the spoonfuls of souffler?

Yeah, the flavour of that thing you've described to save me having to go to Holland and Barrett to get it.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, great.

I'll put that in there.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it yes you want still water yes you want poppadoms with all the dips uh plus a cherry cola flavoured poppadom sauce well sauce looks like poppadoms yes data you want quail and flat champagne aspic yes main course wagu fillet steak quite rare with poppadum flavoured cherry cola sauce yeah that's right

side dish dova sole sashimi from grunt drink you would like well when you arrive you want a porn star martini with a shot of of the aspic and she's jelly again.

And then you want Pinot de Grollo, is it?

Pinot de Charon.

De Charon, Camparian soda, shit throughout the meal, sherry, chardonnay, Rieslin, bubblegum juice, light red wine, a heavy red wine, chartreuse, one more shambour, and a milk.

I'm glad I took out the um shit juice.

It wouldn't have fitted.

No, it wasn't right.

No.

And the dessert, you want a souffle that changes with every single mouthful, changes flavour with each mouthful you have.

How do you feel about that?

I feel good.

It sounds like a great meal.

Yeah.

I feel like you've used the dream restaurant to its full strengths.

Yeah.

In that you've invented things.

There's magical dishes.

Yeah.

There's a lot going on.

You admitted that you attempted to kill a Japanese woman.

Yes.

Yes.

But very happy that she survived in that story.

You've admitted that you've been making the meat.

I actually never admitted that.

I was very quiet throughout the whole thing.

Yes, but it's been stated.

Yes, it's been stated.

you don't have to deny it you didn't deny it no yeah you have been buttering me up literally

ed gamble has been yes ed gamble has been buttering me up literally in a series of travel lodges around britain yeah putting butter over me thank you so much paul for coming on off main well thanks james aircaster thank you paul thanks ed gamble and

uh crystal

well there we are james whoa whoa I mean, I knew the Paul Foot episode was going to be something special.

Yeah.

But that was, that was bananas, man.

What a ride.

So many characters, so many tales that we got told.

I don't know what to believe.

What was true, what wasn't?

Who's to say?

I properly lost it on numerous occasions.

Yeah.

I'm sure we'll release a video of Paul talking about the different flavours in food.

And what is burp?

Yeah, and what is burp.

That's all.

I mean, man,

what a great episode.

Interesting menu as well.

Didn't say moist cake?

Didn't say moist cake, but you know, how could we have guessed what he was going to say?

Yeah.

The quail soup or whatever it was with the jelly.

The cubes of, yeah, the cubes of aspic.

Man, great.

I hope, you know what I hope this episode does?

I think most people who know about comedy know Paul Foote and know he's brilliant.

Yeah.

But I hope if people are listening, looking out for new comics to enjoy, their next favorite, I think it might be Paul Foote.

Has to be.

And you can go and see him do his new show, Dissolvers, on taunt.

Yes.

And it will be fantastic.

Yes.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again next week.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September, at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.