Ep 194: Tim Minchin

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

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Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

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Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, chopping the raw white onion of humor, very, very small into small little dices, chopping a bit of cucumber of conversation, putting it into the white plastic small bag of the internet, and throwing it in with a curry.

It's one of those bags you get for a takeaway.

You don't know what it's for.

It's one of the raw onion bags in the curry.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

We own a dream restaurant and we invite a guest in every single week.

We ask them their favorite ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Tim Minchin.

Tim Minchin.

I mean, how do we even describe Tim Minchin?

Well, listen, he's written amazing musicals that have touched the hearts of many.

He's an incredible stand-up comedian.

Amazing songwriter.

Amazing songwriter.

It feels like he conquered stand-up comedy very quickly, though.

Yeah.

And then just went on to having smash hit musicals.

Instead you won a whole bunch of awards for being a brilliant stand-up and then went, now I'm going to go and do Matilda.

Yeah.

Change the musical landscape.

Yes.

And then also he's got a...

I might say it's new musical, but because of, you know, the pandemic and what has been happening with time, this is before, this is back in the day.

He did Groundhog Day, the musical.

But now it's like finally coming back to the UK.

So it feels new, but it's not new.

Yeah.

It was on Broadway for ages.

So, you know, but time now feels weird, which is like quite appropriate.

Okay, so I'll do another version.

Huh?

And then Benito can work out which one to put in.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's relevant to the

musical about time every day over and over again.

That's what the pandemic felt like.

But also, like, because of the pandemic, we're now like, oh, this is new.

It's not new, really, because it started before the pandemic and now it paused.

And now we've got it back again.

So time feels weird.

He's also written the musical Groundhog Day, which is on on from now until August at the old Vic.

So you just pick whichever one you want from that, Benito.

You pick whatever one you want.

Tim mentioned we'd like him very much, but if he says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will kick him out at the dream restaurant.

And this week, the ingredient is chocolate cake.

Chocolate cake.

Now, look, specifically.

We like it.

Yeah.

We like chocolate cake.

It's the best.

Obviously, we do.

But sometimes we pick ingredients that are specific to the guest.

Yes.

And Tim, of course, wrote Matilda.

Yep.

And there's a big old chocolate cake in Matilda.

Bruce Bog Trotter's chocolate cake that he eats.

I love that guy.

That guy's a hero.

Love Bog Trotter on this podcast.

Yeah, respect.

We're bogheads.

We're a couple of bogheads.

Yeah, boy.

But if Tim picks chocolate cake, he is out on his ear.

Yeah.

Or both ears.

We'll pick him up by his

pigtails.

Pigtails.

Swing him around and around.

Swing him around and we'll throw him out.

This is the off-menu menu of Tim Minchin.

Welcome Tim to the dream restaurant.

Oh yeah.

It's nice.

Welcome Tim Minchin to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Was I on time?

I was early.

I was early on.

You were early booking.

Yeah,

we've been expecting you for some time is a genie catchphrase which relates more to the restaurant's booking system, which is sort of infinite.

All right.

And not, it doesn't fit within linear time.

All right.

It's like it was fate.

We always knew you would would be.

Yeah.

I was always going to come and not come at all different times and not times.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And you're here and not here.

Yes, totally, which is a state in which I'm very comfortable.

Sort of, yeah, super positioned, sort of, you know, spin up, spin down, existing and not existing, like a cat in a box.

I fucking love it.

I'm really happy.

I'm only here if I'm observed.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Great.

This is as philosophical as it gets.

Can we please?

Let's start again.

Someone told me this week, someone told me that the Schroedinger's cat thing was like, that was actually the Schrodinger, like people were going on about these theories of like, if you can't see something,

do you know it exists and all this?

And he said it's stupid.

It's like if someone said, if you put a cat in a box, you don't know if the cat's alive.

And everyone went, exactly, that's brilliant.

Yeah.

And he didn't like any of that.

He was saying it to take the piss.

And now we've all run with it and go, yeah, Schroedinger's cat.

Yeah,

he really believes in the dead and alive cat.

Yeah, he was like, no, you know it's alive because you put it in the box.

Taking my cat to the vets when you're calling me about this philosophical movement.

Yeah, yeah.

People got confused.

I just had a cat who seemed unconscious.

There was a really good bit in Ian McEwen's latest novel about using that cat thing as that, basically as a state of not knowing, of not knowing, of insecurity.

He talks about a phone call from the police where the police are ringing up to talk about his son.

And he expands this.

what would be a heartbeat before the cop reveals what he's ringing for where the the father just assumes the kid is dead or has just had a big drunk night out and needs to be picked up and that that is the cat in the box.

In that moment, he is both dead in a morgue, lying on a slab and sort of shame-faced in a cell, you know, having done a public wee or something.

And they're both true until the, what do they call it, the wave function collapses and it becomes one or the other.

It's really good.

He can write a book, Ian McKinley.

Yeah, he's pretty good.

He seems to be able to churn out.

He's getting there.

he's all right yeah i've given him i sent him some notes actually

i actually did send him some notes yeah did you i sent him an email pointing out things i loved right he's one of those people i have i i just at some point got an email address and now to send him fan mail we had to do uh one of his books for gcse english so now i can't pick up any more of his work which reminds me of it uh no child in time oh yeah books that weirdly i like to kill a mockingbird and we had to do that Everyone likes to kill a mockingbird.

Give it half a chunk.

But you don't know if you've killed the mockingbird, do you?

Until you get it it out of the box,

I saw the Amon Sorkin play.

Yeah,

speaking of the theatre,

wow,

pretty good.

I don't segue.

I don't want to call it early, but by the way, this is the most literary start we've ever had to a podcast.

Yeah, yeah, we've turned it off,

everyone's turned off.

No, I don't think so.

I think they're just absolutely aghast that we haven't sort of made a fart joke yet.

McEwen's tuned in for the first time.

Yeah.

Well, I'll get him listening.

Grandhog Day.

Groundhog Day, exciting, yeah, really good.

Um, is uh coming back around again, yeah.

I mean, that is that's got to be all the all the press has got to be that, right?

Yeah, it's funny how I've done a couple of interviews, and no one's like, So, Groundhog Day's coming.

They're obviously like, I can't just say that, but I'm like, You know, say that, that's a good story, you know, it's back, and um, yeah, it's really really nice.

So, I don't know if your listeners know about this.

It was a musical that I helped write of a musical based on the 1990s iconic film and it went really well in London then went to Broadway and kind of went critically well but it was just for lots of reasons we couldn't keep it musical theaters like this it's just like putting all your chips on red or something except at much lower odds I mean something like one in 26 make their money back.

So it's a gamble thing because it just puts so much into it.

They're so expensive to create and run.

And we couldn't survive on Broadway.

So it kind of died, even though we'd got all these awards and reviews and then all sorts of stuff happened my dear friend Andre who was the producer and my our business partner died suddenly and we couldn't get it into a theater and then COVID and then on and on and suddenly it's seven years later and we're finally it's coming back to London and it's um and I get to be here for rehearsals and you know notice little phrases of songs that I'd like to improve and it's like that beautiful tinkering that you get to do when you get a second chance at something which ironically is what Gran Hood is about yeah it's very exciting when it was first was it the old vicar yeah yeah like i was really i really wanted to see it and i assumed quite i was like it's going to be here for ages yeah

i was like where the and it went yeah i was like that's unfair and so i'm very excited that it's coming back now because yeah well i'd love you to see it i mean musicals i mean like i i don't love them all you know and most people don't love them all some people are massive fans but they're tough you know um they're tough to get right and different people like different things you know i'm not a massive fan of what's the abel one or whatever like

Mama Mia.

So like I like Jukebox things and stuff.

I like really intricate musicals that are sort of clever and stuff, but at the same time, there's stuff that's really obscure and it's hard to get.

And I think it's super smart, but super joyous.

And I like it a lot.

I'm very specific about the musicals I like.

I've not seen it yet, but I already know it's going to be one of those.

Yeah, I think it's got a lot of gags and a lot of clever ideas.

I went to see Book of Mormon this week,

which I'd already seen, but I took my girlfriend for her birthday.

My girlfriend was like, she's like, I don't like musicals.

And I was like, have you seen Book of Mormon, Hamilton and Matilda?

She's like, no.

It's like, well, then you do.

Yeah, and you do not like musicals.

You just see those.

And then, because I was like, that was like, I used to be like, I don't like musicals.

And I absolutely thought I didn't.

And then I saw Matilda.

And then that was...

completely different after that.

I was like, oh, I do like them.

Because actually, before that, I thought, musicals are, there's one good song.

Yeah.

And the story is really annoying.

And then that's it.

And I go home and actually Matilda was like without I mean I wouldn't say there's two outside of here because it would seem a little bit

but you know we're on the podcast every single song's brilliant it visually it looks amazing the story's great and and then you realize oh it can be like this yeah yeah and I think those three musicals you mentioned are really a good example of the sort of slightly different ways in which musicals can be good putting aside the dupe box thing which I totally get can be a fun night out you know all the songs but it's just songs wedged into a story framework are like that that's a different genre to me and it's not one I'm you know particularly interested in.

Book of Mormons a satire.

It's almost a parody of a musical and yet because the Southpipe Boys got help from Bobby Lopez who's him and Christian Anderson Lopez wrote Frozen, you know, like he's proper Disney and he wrote Avenue Q was his breakout.

So Bobby wrote these songs.

So even though it's sort of a parody of a musical, it's taking the piss out of the idea of, you know, what the Americans call an I want song, like the, you know, and all that.

It's so brilliant.

It manages to be a parody of something and an impeccable version of itself at the same time.

And then you've got Hamilton, which is just brilliant.

Obviously, Lynn Manuel's just extraordinary, but it's really like the songs could play on the radio and they did and they won Grammys and stuff.

And then you've got something like Matilda, which is, it ain't Sondime, but it's sort of more in that realm where we're like, we're not trying to place the music in a trendy time or place.

The music's just supporting the story and it's hyper-detailed and it makes you laugh and cry.

And that's the sort of area I like to play in because I can't write pop songs.

So yeah, good musical theatre's out there, but it's for me, those are the sort of the three possible categories of good musical theater.

And then there's a bunch of other stuff, which is really just people trying to make money out of old properties.

My nephews have started watching...

So there's like a version of Matilda now, the musical like on TV on Netflix or online somewhere.

Freaking massive film, yeah.

He just texts me lyrics from Matilda

out of context.

And the first time he did it, when he texts me, all you new kids, and so you're able to survive this mess by being a prince or or a princess you they just hold this whole thing yeah it was very threatening yeah out of context i hadn't i hadn't seen matilda in a while yeah and probably written down you don't realize that the alphabet is hidden in those lyrics no i didn't realize the alphabet's there at all

i didn't realize

there was an alphabet yeah yeah what's this alphabet all the kids are going on

what would there be next numbers

There's a fantastic line in the movie, in the Matilda movie, where Mr.

Worm, this might be an anticlimax because I might forget the quote, Mr.

Wormwood.

She says, someone says something about Matilda getting books out of the library, and he goes, oh, I know books now.

I was fucking great.

Stephen Graham.

Oh, that's amazing.

Oh, Stephen Graham's amazing.

Yeah, yeah, he's played with Mr.

Wormwood.

Tell him I will beat him up.

Yeah, all right.

I said on the podcast before.

James is trying to start a feud with Stephen Graham, which to me doesn't sound like the smartest idea.

We could probably get that happening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a very nice guy, and he's not as tall as you, but there's absolutely no doubt that he'd

make mince meat.

But this is what everyone assumes, and that's what I've got on my site.

Have you ever had a fight?

No.

I feel like you're someone who could...

Beginners luck.

Yeah.

It's not luck if you plan it, mate.

It doesn't work like that.

I feel like you could get angry enough about something to have a bit of a

damage.

He's got a good reach.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, he's like, you know.

He's got either meant intellectually.

Not intellectually.

He was absolutely lost with that MEQ and stuff.

And then you've launched the alphabet at me.

I mean,

this whole thing has been confusing.

Oh, 27 letters.

Yeah, yeah.

27.

We always start with still a sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

Well, I don't want to immediately destabilize the premise of your podcast, but

sparkling.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm just going to go crazy from the outset.

Yeah.

You think you feel pretty nuts?

Yeah.

I really thought you were going to throw a spanner in the water set too because some people come and they go like water.

It's disgusting, but just straight for sparkling who drinks water these days yeah yeah yeah boring afford to all be drinking water that's you check your privilege um yeah i think sparkling it came quite late for me um didn't really start sparkling until my 30s probably well what was the change what happened success just mature success

to be fair i was too poor for sparkling water until about then i think it really um it cleanses the the palate doesn't make you feel like all right now i'm ready for something disgusting to go in my

is that how you view all food is something disgusting

I mean it's pretty disgusting when you break it down

literally yeah but yeah

yeah I like the sparkle and it's it probably still makes you feel a bit like I'm having a proper dinner if you you know because you don't have sparkling water at home before dinner do you so no it marks that you're embarking on a on a ritual yeah like a cutting of the ribbon yeah that's right ready to rock yeah would you have it if someone offered you a tap at home that dispensed sparkling water, would you say yes or would you do a no?

Then that will burn all meals out for me.

I mean, I guess that offer is tacitly there, isn't it?

I mean, I wrote Matilda, I can have a sparkling water tap.

Do I fucking want?

And I'm renovating my house at the moment.

I'm not.

I'm hiring people who know how to do it.

And yeah, there's all that, you know, a hot tap, but I'm super, I hate over tech.

I hate having more things that can break down in my home.

So literally, i've got to want a hot and cold water tap i don't even want a mixer you know and i i want light switches to be like on and off and if you want if you can a dimmer can be a round dimmer if you're going to have a dimmer but none of this sort of like his five different settings and you can change the settings for the different lights it's just like each light has a switch each uh temperature of water has a tap and that but me instant boiling water I don't know, it's something I'm deeply uncomfortable with about instant boiling water.

It feels like you need to put the effort in.

Yes, yes.

I like the ritual of like, well, I want a cup of tea, but I'm going to have to damn well wait.

I'm going to have to take a breath here.

You don't like the idea of one of those taps.

You don't want too much technology in your house, but what about a Japanese toilet?

You must want, everyone wants a Japanese toilet in the house, right?

My first experience with a Japanese toilet, I got to stay in Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber's apartment in New York once while

he was fond of me, I guess, because I was doing Jesus Christ Superstar, which was going well for him.

And Matilda's, he owns the Cambridge Theatre.

So like we've got a bit of a relationship.

And I was over there,

actually opening Matilda on Broadway and writing Groundhog Day in his apartment.

I've got this fantastic photo of all my coloured sticky notes on his window overlooking Central Park in the Trump Tower.

You heard of that guy?

Anyway.

And he's got one of those toilets where it's got a little nozzle and you can adjust where it's pointing and it squirts water at you at your pooper and all that stuff.

And it's pretty.

It's pretty nice.

It feels like another thing that can break down and having to get

your poopy squirter fixed the whole time feels like embarrassing and annoyance yeah sorry mike yeah but i did there were a water pistol that fires at my anus is broken yeah do you come over and fix it yeah yeah yeah just shift your anus mate

i know you wrote matilda but you can shift your anus you can at least shift your angus yeah and i definitely noticed people would disappear into the toilet and not come out for a while like it it was a sort of novelty thing where people would which is a nice reason for it to happen at showbiz parties, right?

Rather than the other options rather than the other option.

Actually, it could have been the other option and you were just very naive.

I loved that poopy squirt.

That poopy squat has blasted my line off the toilet.

Oh, God.

I think I am really naive about that stuff.

Yes, I am, though.

And even though, because I'm not a taker of drugs particularly, but I'm really stupid about it.

I've been in this, I've been playing rock and roll for a long time.

And I just, I'm still dumb about it.

Or I'll go to a party where all my actor friends are like,

and I'm like, oh, everyone's in a good mood.

Like, oh, Tim.

Yeah, every time.

Yeah, my girlfriend is way more well-versed in all that stuff than me.

And I'll always be like, such and such was in a really weird mood earlier.

She'll be like, they were on dressing.

What's the matter?

It was weird when that, when our friend head-butted the wall and then got back up.

Yeah.

He was obviously feeling very resilient that night.

Just going around like Will Ferrell in Elf.

Just like just thinking everyone's nice.

Oh, that was another thing.

That was what I was trying to remember.

I was going to ask.

Has Andrew Lloyd Weber ever played his song, My Name is Andrew, to you?

No, has he got a song called My Name is Andrew?

Yes.

He played it to Josh Groban.

No, he didn't.

I think you're getting mixed up.

Josh Groban told us that when he came on the podcast.

I think you made up the song, My Name is Andrew, from memory.

Well, I'll let you be the judge of who do you think made this song?

Me or Andrew Lloyd Weber.

He played it to Josh Groban and it goes, My name is Andrew.

Hello, hello, hello.

I have shoes and I have to go.

She might be in it.

I have feet and I have to go.

I think that sounds quite good.

Yeah.

I think maybe Josh Groban made it up and

Josh.

Groves.

Grob's probably made it up and passed it off as his angel.

Passed it off as Andrew Weber.

Andrew's quite eccentric, but that feels right, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, you've got to be.

Yeah, you've got to be that good.

You've got to be.

And he's very young when he was that good.

I mean, I think...

getting sort of really respected and famous young it's I mean, the people I know to whom that happened are the most sort of destabilized people I know.

Not that Andrew's unstable, it's just like it's strange for your personality.

It's hard to know how to be.

Well, being brilliant and then also having to work extremely hard when you're that young, I think, probably

spins everyone out a bit.

How old was he?

Oh, I think he wrote a superstar at 21.

What?

Wow.

That's younger than Jesus.

Is it the play?

Yeah.

Jesus didn't do it.

A thousand years.

Yeah, Jesus

is smoking smoking cones in 21.

That's his wilderness years.

Banging on.

Yeah.

I'm worried that he put sticky notes on his window, to be honest.

How did you get off the residue?

Well, I don't think the sticky notes leave much residue.

That's the point of them, right?

It's not like I glued notes to the window.

Yeah, but I still wouldn't put them on glass, especially on a big window overlooking.

Well, I feel like he has a person who cleans those windows, like floor-to-ceiling windows.

Tim Rice.

Yeah.

Tim Rice, yeah.

Yeah.

He uses

Tim Rice to soak soak up red wine spills.

Yeah, yeah.

Either that or you crank the poop shooter up to 11 and just angle it right out the bathroom.

Here we go.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Pop-dubs or bread.

Pop-lubs or bread.

Pop-dubs or bread.

I didn't know that was a question.

I'm not prepared.

Pop-a-doms or bread?

Yeah.

Well, you have pop-a-doms if you're eating Southeast Asian food, but we're not.

I mean, I know where this is going, so I would say bread, but the you bread.

Bread.

Bread.

Any particular sort of bread?

White, very fluffy with a crispy, like a baguette, baguette bread, sort of.

Warm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, same as a sparkling water.

Everything's happy and warm.

Yeah.

Have you ever gone to a boulingerie and got a boulingerie?

On Paris, you mean?

Like, actually, yeah, yeah.

Sure.

Yep.

And have you walked home with the baguette?

Ridden home with a basket, red bike.

I have.

I think I've walked home with a baguette in france yeah and did you bite the top off of the baguette on the way home or did you wait until you got home to eat the baguette i mean i understand the question yes but um

it's not a tricky one i'm gonna answer every question with i'm gonna start with

i understand the question like

um i mean no you don't do that that's not where the joy is i mean the the knob at the end is you know

who wants to wrap their lips around the knob at the end no there's too much uh crust there yeah no you do it.

I mean, I eat the ends.

It depends what you're using it for.

Oh, I always nibble the end.

Yeah?

Yeah, for sure.

You bite the end of it.

I can't resist it.

As you're walking home.

Yeah, I can't resist it.

I'm more likely to dig a bit out of the middle if I'm going to.

That's a good.

But I think you can get away with a little just...

And, you know, no Parisians are going to bat an eyelid.

But if you're in the middle of the street digging the middle out,

I think you're going to lose some of the sort of

French cool.

The kudos.

Yeah, the kudos.

Yeah.

And if you do a bunch of different ones down the middle and then you can play it like a flute maybe when you get home yeah I don't know

if I've tried that I mean I understand the question

you could like put down like sometimes when I'm trying to kill a tree

when I'm trying to kill a tree yeah um you drill holes around the trunk and then squirt Monsanto products into the into the trunk yeah um so you could do that with a loaf ready like drill some holes and then put like jam or something make it into a sort of big long oh i like that i would like that yeah yeah what else could you squid interested in uh how many times you've killed a tree i killed trees yeah yeah

i kill trees next question yeah yeah i have a uh i have a little block um of you know what we call a block what do you call that over here what of houses no like like a bit of land 12 12 acres of uh native Australian rainforest.

But the problem is it's not native because, of course, you know, because of colonialists like you guys, everything's been crap.

And not just like you guys, other people bring stuff.

And

it's native, it's like a micro climate down south from Sydney, and it's got beautiful native trees, but is often challenged by invasive species, some of which are trees themselves, but mostly it's lantana, mostly it's like bushes and stuff.

So you have to very carefully, well, you can just go and spray it all with glyphosate and run roughshot over it.

We're doing a different thing.

We're trying to rewild the trees whilst not, like lovely native birds live in the invasive speech.

So you do it slowly, slowly and try not to spray glyphosate everywhere and stuff.

So we're doing that.

So one way to do that is to drill holes and things.

It's just

the baguette technique, yeah.

The flute.

The baguette flute technique.

You don't want to get mixed up and put jam in the trees though.

No.

So don't ever do that, Tim.

Well, I don't know if I can.

I don't want to open the paper.

I don't want to open the paper and read about you squirting jam and intrigues because you got mixed up but i want to see that for you i really appreciate that we're going to get on to your dream meal now and i've thought of a great question ed all right okay here we go will tim understand it this is a question oh yeah that's

is this the kind of question is it fuck

okay starting

start the hot podcast

is this the kind of meal that you could have over and over again, day after day, over and over, each day having the same meal over and over?

Like Groundhog Day?

there you go oh I like that yeah I don't think you want to do anything over and over do you but which is which is sort of what Groundhog Day is about or at least trying to figure out how you bring wisdom to bear on the question of how you put up with life's grind

is what Groundhog Day is about so there it does sometimes feel like it's very oh my god I'm awake again it's another morning do you do you have those yeah I feel like you guys probably have most mornings you feel like that there's a lyric in Groundhog Day that there's a song called hope that that starts with the lyric there will be mornings when you're utterly defeated by your leases

which is something I've sort of felt

not James you wears velvet yeah since

then they defeat me though

that's when you know you're in trouble yeah yeah but this meal that I have planned for you boys I it would be a lot right well it's just quite heavy but yeah I mean you could you could but you get sick of it I mean food perhaps more than anything is enhanced by novelty isn't it like so but some people don't feel like that some people like having the same thing every day and having a routine i don't i think that sounds awful yeah if you said to me you want breakfast for the rest of your life and i went a lovely granola some yogurt and some rhubarb or something i i i mean i basically that's what i have every morning very happy with that breakfast seems to me so you have a groundhog breakfast but yeah the rest of the show yeah next musical grandhog breakfast

yep i mean i understand the question.

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um your dream starter yeah all right so this is where my vegetarian sort of ism

uh i mean we fall fall away very quickly because um it's pate pate oh pate pate the meatiest of the starters the the cruelest yeah

yeah pate and this is why i was a bit thrown by the bread and papa numb question because my starter involves bread and it would you know

a really lovely really buttery pate no no no complexity not like oh it's a peppercorns or some sort of weird just like and no oh there's like fishy thing just like liver duck liver you know or chicken liver probably chicken liver i i actually don't know how different duck i'm sure connoisseurs would say they're very different but i'm not sure but yeah really buttery really bad for you and bad for the duck you know pate with it with an onion jam lovely yeah yeah yeah yeah really thick sticky yeah thick caramelized caramelized.

Thick and stocky.

Yeah, thick and sticky.

Yeah.

Yeah, caramelized onion jam.

And

then just, yeah, baguette.

Yeah, really, really fresh.

I'm so on board with this.

If there's ever like chicken liver pate or anything like that on a menu,

always ordering it.

That's the rule.

I tend not to because I feel a bit bad about it, but that's why in my fantasy one, I can just go nuts.

Yeah.

I didn't ever, I don't know what kind of pate we had.

when I was growing up.

Yeah.

I didn't want posh.

I didn't like it.

Yeah.

I thought I don't like pate.

So I would never do that.

But then I remember being in a restaurant or whatever where it was just like, you know, you get what you're given.

Yeah.

And they bought that out.

And I was like, oh, okay, I'll be missing out on this.

This is like the smoothest, most like, yeah, naughty.

I'm not sure I've ever told this story on the podcast.

I might have done, but my wife once bought pate from a news agent that was out of date.

And she's so

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She basically, when I go away,

she buys pate from a news agent.

She will eat just pickles all day, and then she'll go to the closest place where she can buy food, which is normally a news agent.

And on this occasion, she bought some pate from a news agent that probably wasn't good to start with, and I think was out of date.

And wait till you hear this.

She claims it made her see him black and white for an hour.

I think she bought a newspaper.

I think she just got the words confused.

So she bought a newspaper and went home and read it.

And she's like, I'm seeing in black and white.

This battle's crazy.

Ed's going away tomorrow for a month.

Yeah.

I've really won.

I've got to check it.

Where?

To Australia.

Tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow, yeah.

Comedy festival.

Yeah, two weeks in Melbourne and then all over the place and then to New Zealand, yeah.

Ever been?

And your wife's used.

To Australia?

I can't remember.

I was there a week ago and I'll be there again in two weeks.

Is your wife used to this?

Yeah, she's used to me going away.

Is she useless?

Oh, useless?

I thought you'd used to this.

Yeah.

I did, but I love her.

That's a delicious starter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like that a lot.

Trouble is you're full already, but can I pretend that

that's not a problem?

Yeah.

That's part of this, right?

For sure, yeah.

Because I mean,

yeah, I mean, you're never going to want dessert at the end of this shit show.

But

we're in a fantasy world where...

A lot of people employ that rule.

Yeah.

Of like, you don't don't get full and you just can eat whatever.

Before you go to dinner, you have this lovely little ceremony where you have a surgical bypass, where you bypass your stomach and you just get a pipe taken from the lower part of your esophagus straight out the side of your body.

It just falls into a bucket, an open bucket.

It's a wonderful attitude to the notion of fantasy that you've got.

Which is like, you can't stretch it to just not being full.

Actually, that's, my brain's really light.

Even like with my sexual fantasies, I have have to peg it really

I have to really peg it to reality.

I can't let myself, I have to be really close to reality with just a little twist to keep it.

So what we're talking like, if you were had a sexual fantasy about someone who wasn't your partner, would you have to then put that in a world where that is okay and you've been given permission?

Well to be honest, I don't want to be too creepy, but I would usually have to go have seen that person recently so I can peg it to something that actually happened.

I'm quite a literal person.

But actually the honest truth is I don't, it's mostly my partner.

That's lovely.

That's lovely.

It's not lovely.

It's sad and annoying.

And I can't have dreams about it.

Like I can't have sex.

If I have a sexy dream, it always stops.

My dream, my, I won't let me do fun things in my sleep.

It's so annoying.

And also if you have to go through the whole rigmarole of being like, well, then we'd split up, of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And one of us would have to move out and do that.

And then you have to get the movers and get the truck and stuff.

This is really getting in the way of my view.

Yeah, it's just going to divade anymore.

That's right.

Dream main course.

I want to preface this, and I should have said this earlier.

I'm not really a foodie, right?

But I don't think I'm as...

Bad at this as some people like I'm I'm not as skanky and sort of yeah, you're trash.

You're definitely not was it Nick Muhammad who yeah, yeah, that is.

That might be one of the worst menus.

I mean, it is one of the worst menus we've ever had.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would rather eat the pipe that comes out of your side and goes into a bucket.

I would rather eat the bucket contents of afterwards.

I thought that would be lovely.

Yeah, because it is just good food chewed through my mouth.

It's not breaking down in any sort of scientific way, is it?

It's just pate shooting at that pipe.

Yeah, it's just pate.

Well, it's all chewed up.

It's masticated and you get a little bit of acid braided, not much on the way down your

oesophogus.

So it's a steak.

Yeah.

Because really, if I, especially when I'm hungry, if I imagine that the pate didn't touch the sides, quite literally, I

love

like, and you know, it's quite trendy these days to really like marbled.

I'm like lean.

fat, you know, you get a fillet that's like as tall as it is wise.

Basically sort of a fist of meat.

And quite rare, but not too rare, really high quality fillet.

And that's basically it.

I'm pretty happy it was just sort of on a plate

with a little, I don't know, what do we do with it?

Like sometimes I think, like, no, what's the sort of sauce that's not Bernays, but maybe it's Bernays.

Bernays is the like tarragon-y, creamy one.

Yeah, creamy.

But when it's really, really good and really moist.

um you barely need a i completely agree sometimes you just don't you just don't need a sauce dream steak is going to be without a sauce really yeah because like yeah that's when that it's like the most delicious most most best quality you're masking it yeah and anything masking it is a is a step backwards yeah i picture it with something green on the plate and and

asparagus looks pretty um but i can't handle the smell of my urine the next day i've just i've just stopped i've just gone okay enough i can't handle the smell of my urine yeah like immediately actually like minutes later yeah i bite a thing and then i go and go have a wee and it's just it makes my eyes hurt it's awful yeah does anyone know anything about that the chemistry of that so i always think is it the um

is it like the asparagus protecting itself yeah it's saying you don't want to eat mate yeah yeah yeah

my urine's gonna your urine's gonna stink it's not the asparagus is urine unless it is i don't know anything about science really uh no you know enough to know that asparagus doesn't urinate yeah it does all all living things have output yes excretions excretions excrete something yeah oh i know well someone's presumably oxygen i mean, we hope.

I hope so.

I suppose.

Does asparagus excrete at all?

Plants excrete or just leaves.

I've never

been close enough.

I've never been close enough to an asparagus to hear if it's breathing or not.

I'm so embarrassed that I don't know.

Maybe we should do that.

It's been an episode.

We're getting an asparagus on.

Yeah.

Art's getting his dream menu.

Yeah.

See if it's breathing.

I kind of, I don't mind the smell of my urine after I eat asparagus.

Yeah.

Some people find it kind of like novel.

It reminds me of what I ate the night before.

Yeah, gross.

so first thing in the morning like when you have a go to the tour after beetroot yeah exactly

that's the panic one yeah that's the proper panic one the asparagus because you know when you get up in the morning you're a bit like just still not fully woken up yeah and like not connected with the world

and then suddenly the asparagus is there and then i was like that's what i did last night It's like a ginger shop.

I don't remember anything else, but I know I had asparagus.

Completely blacked out.

Clearly got in a fight, but at least I had asparagus.

I'll tell you what you're saying.

Imagine Tim.

Imagine Tim if you ate asparagus one night and then the next day is when your groundpog day started.

Yeah.

So every morning.

Every morning you.

And it smells of asparagus.

I guess you get used to it.

I was under the misapprehension that there's a people have you know different receptors and different and and I thought some people don't seem to worry about the asparagus smell they don't really smell it and I thought the distinction was some humans whatever the chemical is they don't excrete they absorb it or something so it's not coming out of their urine and some humans they they excrete all that through their urine which is probably dumb I think what it is is that some people just can't really smell it very it's more of a receptor thing yeah I was told some people can smell it some people can't smell it say cucumber Some people hate the smell of cucumber because they can smell something well exactly and I'm not a big fan of and by the way I'm not a super taster because I did a podcast with people a lot dumber than you guys

Brian Cox and Oh, I did the monkeys.

Weaving them on.

Yeah.

Absolute crackpot.

He believes all this weird shit.

He thinks there are suns everywhere.

But we did this wine podcast.

And

I'm a bogan, you know, like I don't have like fine taste or anything, but whatever the thing is that smells asparagus, I'm the king of that.

I have that.

asparagus piss smelling thing

yeah so you don't want asparagus on this plate no so but so if it's not that, as I say, they're pretty, aren't they?

They're pretty spears.

Well, you could have a bunch of asparagus in the pretty spears.

Pretty spears.

You could have a bunch of asparagus in a vase in the middle of the table.

Right.

Or like a wreath.

Yeah.

We could all be wearing little asparagus, asparagus crowns.

That makes you happy, aren't you?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay, that's good.

Midsummer.

Yeah.

Okay, so if I've got something else on the plate, it would be either long stem broccoli.

It's very nice with some little roasted pineauts through it or something like that.

Or, of course um um brussels sprouts uh um you know

fried to almost burnt with little bits of bacon or something yeah bacon and the steaks a bit much but um sure but

if you go if you're going for it it's all coming out the pipe yeah that's right yeah that's right as well yeah sometimes when you go to like a steakhouse or whatever the sides are usually pretty um beefed up they're pretty they've got other stuff in them they're pretty crazy yeah and you are pretty hungry so like it's quite exciting to get one of those kind of like you know bacon bits in the

and if you're honest,

a little mac and cheese with a steak is pretty insane, like a really classy one with a little blue cheese in it or something.

But I think there's a section in this podcast where you ask about sides.

And I'm sort of trying to cheat by having something on the plate.

And then I want to have a side as well.

Absolutely fine by that.

So I'm going to leave the greens on the plate and then I'm going to get into mac and cheese on the side.

Spoiler alert.

I think that's absolutely.

Yeah.

Also, I think because of the steak you're having, I think you can afford to have some richer sides because it's not like a mad marbled ribeye or anything.

Yeah, I think that's right.

It's something cheesy is fine.

How do you do you want it sort of cooked on an on an open flame?

I hate to

start leaning towards stereotypes of your countrymen.

Yeah, no, it's not a Barbie.

Yeah, no,

I fell pretty deep into that.

Did you get into Greta Gerberg's new movie?

Barbie.

Very much.

I wasn't sure.

I've heard a lot about that project over the years.

I had a meeting about it back in the day, as in they wanted songs and stuff.

And I was like, oh.

You wrote a load of songs about barbecues.

Yeah.

Tim, why are we going to throw a shrimp on this bar?

On this ball.

Yeah, and I wasn't sure, but I said, send me a script.

And then they never did.

So maybe it was because I kept talking about Barbecue.

It looks quite funny.

I think

my countryman who's playing the lead role is very, very talented.

And she can do it all, including be very funny.

You met her do you know her yeah margo not not very well actually she was in she was a voice in my movie that died my animated film that i spent four years making that they shut down yeah oh wow yeah yeah i didn't know that mine i i directed and co-wrote and wrote songs for her like holy and whatever million dollar a moved to la to to co-direct and co-write this film.

We spent four years on it and we were 50 something million bucks in and like three quarters.

Done some amazing beautiful character design and hans zimmer was helping me with the score yeah and every hugh chapman and jackie weaver and muggo rubbie and naomi watts and you know everyone was a mendo everyone was in it um but yeah the studio got bought and they just went yeah that's a tax write-off and that was that

well when was this well timeline wise is this well the close down happened the same year that groundhog day within the same few months that groundhog day closed on broadway under a whole lot of sort of ruthless american uh reductive behavior as well.

Well, not reductive, it's some ruthless.

But, you know, you want to play in that end of the game.

You can't go, oh, I thought it was all going to be like a school play.

But the shutdown of Larikins, the film, was

right on the high end of...

you know, everyone, everyone in Hollywood's got a story of something that got shut down, but it's usually not that late.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And working with those company, I would have thought in your position, you would have been like, well, this is definitely happening.

I've got hands in my

totally I mean I actually never doubted I'm super foolish about this stuff actually I I'm just about to pitch my new show to market like I've been developing it for two years and again I say mine because we're talking about me as obviously always a lot of people and a lot of work and I've got a really good production company attached fantastic director and really good pilot and you know and I'm like well this is my next project and it's only recently after working on it two years I'm oh no this is another thing that you know, it's it's a period piece.

It's gonna, someone needs to commit, you know, 20-something million pounds to a show with me at the center.

Like, it's probably won't happen.

I just sort of forget all the time.

I'm so like wide-eyed, like, I've got a creative idea, and I've worked really hard, and I'm really kind.

Let's do it, guys.

And they're like, Yeah, it doesn't quite work like that.

But you probably need that level of optimism and excitement about it while you're doing it.

It's got me a long way.

Yeah, my God, it hurts when you suddenly go, Oh, yeah, It's not,

I'm very pollyanna-ish.

I seem to, even after my sort of anus horribilis, even after losing Larikins, which did, I was really like knocked sideways by it.

And the whole, and

Broadway is always pretty traumatic.

Even with Matilda, it was quite traumatic.

But

I seem to rise again as this like kind of doe-eyed, you know, baby in the woods, you know, like, oh, hello, Mr.

Wolf.

You know, like, it's so weird.

Why are you going to the toilet again mr wolf

should i come with you mr wolf yeah what do you mean out of order

yeah so i i think that is good and i i love my work so much and that's what's driving the pollyannaishness it's just like oh more playtime you're saying pollyannaish yes yeah i said polyamorous i was like no you're not you can't even wanco

that's true but like uh i get it yeah polyannerish yeah yeah a second time round i was like we're talking about pollyanna yeah that's a character who is naive naive and always thinks things are going to be better.

Yeah.

I wish I could be slightly less Pollyanna-ish and slightly more polyamorous, but

yeah, even creatively, you're the opposite of polyamorous, right?

You focus on one thing that you absolutely love.

Pretty hard at things, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, when it pays off, pays off pretty big.

But then you can't have one without the other.

Well, it's a gamble, yeah.

I didn't realize how much it was a gamble, Ed.

Just for the listener,

Tim used the phrase gamble, didn't reference it at all because it's just a normal sentence.

And James pointed at me, which is why Tim felt like he had to bring it up.

Yeah.

So that's not.

James is like, that's an opportunity for a joke mentioned.

Fucking idiot.

That joke is not on Tim.

It's a pun.

Well, it's not even a pun.

It's just his name.

It's his name, but I love it.

I love it.

It's his name.

Still fucking

this chair keeps rolling.

I need a caster.

Oh, yeah.

You know, like, I'm trying to.

Yes.

That's a bad.

That really did.

That got me out of nowhere.

People don't really do about my name as much.

Well, I'm here to change that.

Thank you, Tim.

Yeah.

Don't mention my name, etc.

Yeah.

This has got quite a bad podcast.

From a mediocre podcast, this has become a bad podcast.

I promise you, I studily go downhill intellectually from the beginning, and I think we've come good on that problem.

Yeah, we have.

It's a slide.

We're on a slide.

We're halfway down.

Because on this podcast, if people have food that they don't want to include in their menu, but they want to shout out, we call them honourable munchins.

Oh, nice.

For your episode, man.

And the honorable Tim Munchinsons.

We call them.

Horrible mentions.

Oral munching.

Your horrible mentions.

Horrible munching.

Oral mentions.

Oral munching.

If you do have any,

then

you shoot on my food pipe any day.

If you've got any oral munching, you just shout out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just know you're an honorable munchin'.

I mean, I had to really think in the cab on the way here to get enough food to answer your freaking questions.

I'm not going to like...

And you said your dream side dish is mac and cheese, so we're kind of already know what this is.

I feel like it, yeah, you know, slightly burnt on the top and crunchy way through.

And I think,

you know, but when you scoop it out, it's all runny.

And so that strings a bit of your sauce.

Do you want the sort of stringy cheese?

I think maybe it's runnier than that.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, it's quite almost saucy in the bottom.

And are you dipping steak in there?

Are you dipping the bread in there?

You've got some bread left over that you're drinking.

But I think when you've got your steak there and a little bit of long stem broccoli, you call it long stem?

Yeah.

broccolini is the other we call it broccolini tender stem tender stem tender stem that's what it is over here yeah and that's what it says in waitrose tender stem yeah and i think you're you're you're slushing your steak in your in your cheesy goodness yeah and there's nothing in the mac not loaded mac and cheese there's not like i don't think so i think i think it may be a couple of different cheeses and and maybe a bit of as i say a bit of blue or something but um I want to talk about truffle.

Yes.

And I don't want to upset anyone.

Is that cool?

Yeah.

yeah we're cool with truffle with talking about

truffle trigger yeah no there's no truffle triggers here i want to say fuck truffle man

but i don't really feel that strongly but i've been forced to kind of take a position it feels like a culture war thing like like and it's not my fault that i'm angry about it it's been over it's shoved in my face yeah you know been pushed on um i just feel like truffle everyone's just putting truffle in everything and it's an obnoxious little fucking fungi isn't it it's like yeah i've learned to be cross about about it because I don't mind a little bit of truffle in something, but it just, it's really aggressive and really makes a lot of itself.

It's like, oh, hi, guys, I'm truffle.

Yeah.

It's every, I mean,

when it's in there, it's in.

That's it.

That's it.

If you need the slightest shaving,

that's fine.

So you could have a truffle mac and cheese.

And there was a time when I'd been, oh, it's a lovely little note, a musty note, you know, but now it's just the truffle oil, isn't it?

The synthetic truffle oil, people just glug that in, and that's the really aggressive one.

Yeah, yeah, but a little shaving, a little grating is lovely.

I love this character that you've created for truffle, though.

Yeah, I like truffle.

Oh, guys, on in your chips.

Do you know what it's kind of like?

It's like the, it's like, have you seen the latest Compare the Mia cat adverts that advertise?

No, I haven't.

I don't know if I've seen the latest.

Oh, send them over to you.

Well, no,

I actually won't send them to you, Tim, because I think it would be classed as a hate crime.

Oh, yeah, good point.

Their cousin, the wombat from Australia, visits.

And Steve Maskopoulos does the voice, shout-out.

Does he?

Yeah, that's Steve doing that voice with the wombat.

But

he's kind of like your Truffle character, but Australian.

So you doing this for Truffle, I feel, is like is rebalancing the universe and going like, well, here's a, you know,

Steen's wombat is like, hi, guys.

Like, what is it?

He's kind of like, you know, lying on a giant toothball.

Like, like, absolutely bigger than the meal bowling into the scene just like clumsy knocking everything over like completely yeah completely unaware of like how obnoxious he's being yeah but essentially has a good heart yeah and i feel like that about your truffle character yeah i don't know though i think it might be not more nefarious than that i think truffle's doing it deliberately yeah yeah i think it's a bully i mean yeah i agree with you about the truffle my girlfriend absolutely hates truffle right to the point now where if i book us a meal somewhere and they say any allergies I just say that she's allergic to truffle yeah because like it's not gonna it's gonna and if sometimes we forget to we just go somewhere and they bring them out at least I know I'm getting double of yeah that thing like I'm at least gonna have grabbed that as well I've got a joke in my head that's making me laugh it's just like so obnoxious and so I mean I'll just say it because it's just terrible

which is that Of course your girlfriend hates truffle all those years she was forced to look for it.

So yeah, yeah, that's so funny.

Your girlfriend's a picture.

Yeah, which is just like, so, but it's got structurally nice.

Yeah.

But I don't even, I don't know.

It's not funny to me because I think

it's an awful joke about it.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

But

it's funny to me because

it's not my sort of joke.

And so I had to say it out loud.

Yeah, I get it.

And also, I think, you know, we've only met today, but I still feel like I'm already at that point with you where

the microphone.

I mean, I love joke, like that because it's a joke on a joke, it's a joke about how terrible these jokes are.

And we all do jokes about our wives and our mothers, right?

And that's funny

until it's true, which is why I didn't do it with your girlfriend.

When you delivered that, I double joke.

You didn't change the way you were sitting to your ironic side.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it confused everyone.

Yeah.

No, I don't.

I think

irony is all about

from your trotters all the way up to your status.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are in this economy.

Next time, check Lyft.

It's Stock Up September at Whole Foods Market.

Find sales on supplements to power up for busy weeks.

Plus, pack your pantry with pasta, sauce, and more everyday essentials.

Enjoy quick breakfast for less with $365 by Whole Foods Market seasonal coffee and oatmeal.

Grab ready-to-heat meals that are perfect for the office and save on versatile no antibiotics ever chicken breasts.

Stock up now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

Your dream drink.

Well, I am an alcoholic.

I'm not really.

I'm a sort of medicinal, alcohol-dependent person,

which means I like a drink every day.

It's a really nice way to end a day, but I have no spin-up.

You know, you got friends who spin-up drinkers.

Do you like if you have one, you have two, and if you have two, you have four, and then you're looking for some cocaine?

I am, if I'm out with, I don't look for cocaine by the end, yeah.

I'm very naive, but of the day.

If I'm out with friends, I would find it if I was out with Ed, I would find it difficult just to have one and go see a later Ed and go home.

But

people that you like spending time with where you don't need to drink alcohol.

If after this podcast when we go next door to the pub.

Yes.

Then I would like, yeah, as we're finishing the first drink, the best idea in the world would be to say to the kids.

I see no point in having one drink.

Yeah.

At home, I have one.

And I don't even want a second one after that.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe, maybe maybe at home.

But out and about,

one drink.

I'd rather have no drinks.

One drink's very hard out and about, but I wouldn't rather have no drinks.

That's absurd.

So so

that's

I only say that because I do love a drink and I um I but I only drink one thing really these days.

I've slowly over time just gone every so every time I have a like a you know, a negroni, I say, well, you know, you go somewhere nice and let's start with a cocktail.

I do one because I want to I'm just I'm just I could be drinking red wine right now this is a complete waste of the alcoholic effect of i could be drinking a good heavy dry earth aussie red wine and so that for me it's it's a beautiful red wine i'm not really enough of a wine wanker to sort of tell you what year it would be or whatever but a south australian or west australian dry earth chiraz or cabernet or something like heavy reds heavy reds with high alcohol content to make the feeling the best glass of wine i i've ever had was a australian chiraz

Amazing.

Just proper.

It was at Penfants.

It was Penfants.

Yeah, for years I would do Melbourne and then the New Zealand Comedy Festival and would always have to bring my dad, that's his the kind of wine he likes.

Yeah.

It's like, yeah, a Shiraz from that region.

And so like, I'd always have to find a different bottle to bring back for him.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah,

pretty nice dude.

Yeah.

But like, yeah,

I mean, it must be pretty cool if you're into that coming from the actual country.

Yeah, it's a good place to live.

Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah um you do get a bit ruined i i think ius i find

you know and i know this is a is a reveal of my unsophistication but i find like even quite you know really good french wines that that they have this earthiness and this brownness to the color and stuff and i i recognize i think i could I could pick it, but I could recognize a quite good French red, but you just, I'm just, we're ruined in Australia, not because they're better, but because they're so heavy and so peppery, you slightly you lose subtlety in your palate.

You're just like,

it's like eating, drinking steak, you know.

Do you have a collection of wine at home?

No, no, no, it doesn't last.

You're just buying, you're just buying just, yeah, I sort of get six at a time or something.

Yeah.

And then the next day,

go back to the shop.

So you're not aging any pen folds at home or anything?

It won't last long.

No, no, I'm not a collector of wine and I don't buy very posh wine.

I buy, you know, $20, you know, 15 quid, you know, maybe slightly nicer.

Which ones do you go to?

Which one would you...

It doesn't have to be the one you have at the Dream Mill, but

what's your one of a day?

You're pouring yourself a glass at the end of the day.

What is it normally?

I just, I never even buy the same.

There's just so many different wines in Australia.

I just go, oh, I'll try that one.

I mean, Penfolds have lots of lower level.

They're not all Grange.

There's like...

bin one three four and stuff and there's a one called Max's because named after one of their old veneers and stuff and so i tend to i do buy those i've got a friend a dear friend uh who

owned vasphelix so i buy you know when you know someone and there's another um winery in west australia where we know the people called um piero uh so you know i tend to go you know like when you watch films your friends are in and stuff i do that oh lovely i don't know i don't know what wine i drink just a nice one just the one that makes the feeling go away.

Write that down.

Because we're talking about Australian drink now and then.

Like, is there certain things that you can only get in Australia that you miss when you're over here or when you're elsewhere?

Like foods or drinks that you're like, I wish I could have a...

I mean, I'm not, you know.

Yeah, no.

What would be a lazy reference?

A tib tab?

Yeah.

I mean, these days you can get it all over here.

But

you know, there's people are really like.

I think my brain doesn't work like that.

Like, people go, oh, I couldn't live in England, the weather.

and I, you know, I don't like the, oh, I wish I could get my favorite food or whatever.

My brain's just like, I don't care about anything except seeing my kids and working.

Like, I just don't care.

Like, when I'm here, I love being here because I get to hang out with smart people and you guys.

And

I get to do work I love and, you know, walk across the bridge to the national and have a meeting.

And I don't care if it's raining or sunny because I'm walking across the bridge to the national, you know, like I'm catching a train to Stratford to talk about, you know.

And so I just don't fucking, I just don't care about food or weather or anything as long as my bed is the I can shut the curtains so the sun doesn't come in when I'm sleeping.

It's quite a good menu so far for someone who doesn't really care about yeah, yeah,

it's true, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what?

What I miss is ocean.

That's what I miss about Australia.

Right, yeah.

Let's move on to your tree, dessert.

All right.

So my favorite sweet food is apricots.

I like apricots.

I like dried apricots.

I like little apricots, coconut squares.

They're not so popular over here.

I like apricot jam.

Your average apricot, take or leave it, you know, like unprocessed, unsugared.

But

you're all in the toast.

It can be really powdery and really flavorless.

And yet put it in a crumble.

And it's like literally one of my favorite things on the earth.

Yeah, so I'm going to say apricot crumble with a really nice oaty crumble.

Yeah.

Slightly burnt and

custard.

This is great.

Custard can be a bit overbearing as well.

So it could just be cream.

Don't need ice cream.

No.

Apricot's got all the sweetness in it.

But if you gave me coffee, I wouldn't throw it in.

I'm not annoyed about that.

No, that's all right.

I'm not annoyed.

I'm not angry.

James is a big ice cream person.

I can have ice cream.

I've had to deal with that for a second.

But I'm okay now.

It's not huge for me, ice cream.

Ice cream's not that big for me in general.

I slightly surprised myself with this dessert because I'm a cheese head.

But I feel like, can I just have cheese after dessert like they do in some?

I love that.

You can.

You're keeping everyone happy there because I'm a cheese head.

But when people pick just a cheese board instead of dessert, he loses his mind.

You lose my mind.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I will stop out.

Like, I'm very happy to have a little bit of ice cream.

I don't want to upset anyone.

No, no, no, no.

Have whatever you want.

In fact, I think I do want ice cream with it over custard.

My wife's one of those people who'd be like, cream, ice cream custard all at the same time

but if we can have enough time if we can just sit and chill for a while just you know drinking wine for an hour after dessert then yeah bring out a cheese yeah

any particular cheeses on the on the board well hold on you've moved on to this already

we've got crumble i'm excited about the cheese

you know what we're doing here you know that i've got a chance to talk about a pop of dessert you're moving it right onto a cheese board you're fucking saying you know we've had the the mac and cheese so that's a little shout out to what cheeses might be on the might be on the board i didn't know there's already about three cheese good so that's just like a suggestion that's just a whisper of what's to come yeah that's right it's preemptive whisper let's keep it as a whisper yeah you'd have that as a dessert wouldn't you i would love it can we add a whisper easter egg yesterday can we just take a couple of steps back yes and let's really dive into this apricot thank you thank you yes for john fair enough now uh is this like a homemade thing have you had it before when someone's done a homemade one that's delicious ed can make it oh yeah

not if it's mine yeah yeah

well is there one you've had in life that's like that's the best apricot crumble I don't think so I mean I have to admit I have gone with apricot but apple and rhubarb crumble it's good I mean yeah it's the crumble

it's the meeting of the sweet stewed fruit and the crumble and the little bit of ice cream if you will yes so i don't really mind but uh i don't know

my mum like my mum used to make a an apricot crumble Yeah, with mixed success.

Yeah.

She's no culinary genius, but she had a lot of heart, you know.

No, it's about it being cooked at a high enough temperature that it's a little bit burnt on the top, I think.

Which is a running thing.

Yeah, we've had that.

And also your steak, I didn't get back to you about flame grill.

Yes.

It just needs, I don't think it should be flame grill, but I'm very happy if it's quite, it's been quite...

cooked quite cooked quite hot.

Yeah.

So I don't like it blue this day.

So we're going back to to the steak, but it can be almost sort of burnt on the outside

as long as it's medium round on the inside.

So is this a thing that you like in general?

If it's like a bit, if you see, if you're looking at a menu and you see the word burnt, because sometimes you get that on a thing, are you thinking, I'm going to try that?

I'm going to get that.

Yeah.

And even we even had the word caramelized earlier, which tends to be about really getting it there.

So let's quickly cover this cheese ball.

Not that I like to hear about it, but for Ed.

Oh, look, I got nothing particular.

Especially if you've had a meal, even if you've got a tube out the side of your side,

it's a lot to think about cheese, having thought about that crumble and that steak and that mac and cheese and stuff.

But I guess something soft.

Yep.

Something hard, something blue.

Nice.

Classic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then just it's just there to pick at if you're like.

Yeah, yeah.

And some, you know, some crackers.

And you don't don't make a big meal of the crackers.

They can just be like water crackers or whatever, like table crackers.

They don't have to be like infused with fig or fucking truffle or some shit, you know, like

some grapes, I suppose.

But oh, that's yeah, cheese.

And you're probably keeping the wine going for this point.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you just stay on it, really.

I have back at back around apricot crumble time, I don't mind a sticky

sticky

wine, sticky, a sticky wine, sticky wine, yeah, what they call dessert wine over here.

We call it a sticky, yeah.

I love that.

Don't mind a sticky, I said, and these boys just said, what's a sticky?

I didn't think that was the end of the sentence.

A sticky

hovering on that adjective.

I don't mind a sticky wine.

Like a sweet Riesling or whatever.

With dessert.

But also with cheese.

So you have your sweet dessert and then you bring out the cheese, which is obviously not sweet, which is what James is so hateful about it.

But then you have a sweet, something,

something a bit fortified or desserty in your alcohol intake.

Takes you back into the sweet realm.

Yeah.

Saves the day.

And then you have a beer.

Really?

See, I couldn't do that.

that's that's where i've parted ways with you there yeah i'm too full it's very rare but we're not full right so we have to understand we're not full i like a cleansing ale but i don't want it to be an ale i want it to be a lager but there is it's like to bookend both this podcast and our meal sparkling and then a cleansing lager at the end to just take all the stickiness and all the the grapiness out of your mouth and then you just go dancing and do some ice is that is that all going through the pipe as well or are you

going straight to the liquid?

Sew yourself back up for the beer at the end.

Yeah, it's a bit sad that you're not getting drunk with that pipe, isn't it?

I think

the pipe's a metaphor.

The pipe's a metaphor.

The pipe's a metaphor for not getting full.

I don't.

Yes.

Just for listeners at home, I don't think you should do the pipe.

No.

The pipe's a metaphor.

Please no one do the pipe.

No.

That will, I mean, that will guarantee be the end of this podcast.

Yeah, if someone does the pipe

listens to this and then does the pipe.

And then there's a new story about it, about how someone did the pipe because they listened to off-menu.

We're done as a podcast.

We're done for.

If it's the new ice bucket challenge, we're in trouble here.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Please don't do the pipe.

If they're raising money.

If they're getting the pipe and raising money.

Yeah, and then nominating their friends to do the pipe.

Yeah.

But it's only a matter of time before we get nominated then.

Yeah.

And then we've got to decide

if we want to do the charity, give to a charity or not.

I'll read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Sparkling water.

Then you would like a warm baguette.

Starter, chicken liver pate with caramelized onion jam and more baguette.

Main course, you would like a quite rare fillet steak with tender stem broccoli and Brussels sprouts with bacon.

Side dish, mac and cheese, a little bit burnt on the top.

Actually, everything so far should have been a little bit burnt on the top.

Drink, heavy dry earth Australian red wine, the one that makes the feeling go away.

A dessert, you would like apricot crumble, a little bit burnt on the top with ice cream.

And then after that, a cheese board with sticky wine, and after that, a beer to cleanse it all again.

How's that feel?

Ice and dancing.

And then

that's a lovely menu.

That's a good night out.

I think it's fine.

I think I might go do it.

Yeah.

You should absolutely do that.

That's very realizable, that menu as well, apart from the pipe.

Yeah, the pipe is not.

Yeah.

Because anyway, that was your brain trying to make things realistic.

But actually, the pipe is unnecessary.

And to be clear to listeners, inadvisable.

But it's unnecessary as long as you do it slowly.

I mean, like any good dégostación,

you know, if you start at five and finish at eleven, that's all fine.

And also, it's not like you've not completely gone mad.

Like, that's a...

Totally.

And your main's not huge.

I mean, your fillet can be, you know, 120 grams.

Yeah, I think, I think.

I don't think you need to do the pipe, Tim.

Appreciate you.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Tim.

Yeah, it's really nice.

And I love the decor.

Well, there we are.

What a menu.

Delicious.

Delicious.

Well done, Tim.

And thank you for coming in, Tim Minchin.

Thank you for not saying chocolate cake as well.

Yes.

I thought that was possible.

Yeah, I thought it was possible.

And we did mention to him after the recording.

Yeah.

that his secret ingredient was chocolate cake.

He was like, no way I would have picked that.

Yeah.

Don't like anything like that.

Doesn't like chocolate cake.

I mean, which is like, you know, well done for, you know, being a writer musical that so jubilantly celebrates chocolate cake, even though you yourself hate it, too.

But dull, dull did a lot of the work there, right?

With the chocolate cake.

And I think someone eats dahl in the musical.

But maybe Tim was like, I want to change it from chocolate cake because I don't like chocolate cake.

And then there would have been an uproar.

That would have been.

People would have kicked off.

People would have gone there and Bog Trotter was eating a flan or something.

Yeah.

No.

Or dull.

Or dahl.

Big pot of dull.

Big pot.

Very different story if Bog Trotter's munching on a Big Pot of Dahl.

Yeah.

Then everyone would have been very confused.

Yeah, yeah.

What's the message in here?

What's he saying about Rog Dahl?

The Bog Trotter's now eating the Dahl as one massive thing.

Yeah.

Well, I'd watch it.

I guess this is why we don't write musicals.

Yes, absolutely.

One of many, many reasons.

But Tim Midgin does write musicals and he's very, very good at it.

He has co-written Groundhog Day, which is coming back to London.

It is on from now until August the 12th at the Old Vic in London.

I'm going to go and see it.

I'm going to go and see it.

Benito's going to get get it's already been.

Yeah.

That's the beauty of Grand Hotel.

Yeah.

Go and see it again.

Go see it again.

For the listener, I've never seen James look prouder with something he said ever.

Yeah, well, yeah.

But it's pretty good, isn't it?

What I just said.

Yeah.

Benita's writing it down to edit it out.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon.

Bye-bye.

Keep on snacking.

Oh, lovely.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carriad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.