Ep 192: Helen Bauer

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the chicken of good chat, marinating it in the spices of humor, leaving it in the fridge of the internet, and then grilling it on the flames of interesting facts.

Trusty!

My name is James Acaster.

That is Ed Gamble.

We own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest every single week and we ask them their favor ever.

Starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Helen Bauer.

Helen Bauer, a wonderful comedian, wonderful podcaster.

Highly recommend the podcast that she does with another off-menu alumni, Catherine Bohart.

It's called Trusty Hogs.

We've both done it.

We've both been on Trusty Hogs, yes.

Fantastic.

Do catch Helen live whenever you can.

Whatever she's doing, you want to investigate it.

Also, I know her from the Augment.

I beg your pardon?

We are from the augmented universe of Pokemon.

Oh, my God.

We both play Pokemon Go.

We're in a crew together with Sakisa.

If you're talking about alumni.

We're not a crew.

Well, we are a crew because we have to do the raids together.

Raids?

Yeah, we have to take down a gym and then we beat up a massive Pokemon and then we all get to try and catch it so that's me sakisa bauer i mean the other people haven't been on the podcast um you might not know them as well but uh there's about seven of us you know

your wife is meant to be in the crew but she never shows up yeah because my wife is somehow cooler than you yeah well it happened you finally found someone cooler than me

that's why you married her i guess

Yes, you and Helen Bauer are one of the only remaining people in the world to play Pokemon Go.

Yeah, and both of us,

you know, because Pokemon Go came out in 2016.

That's when everyone got the app, did it for a bit of a map?

Of course, sorry.

Now I'm realising why.

Then stopped doing it.

Bauer and I both got into it, you know, pretty late, 2019.

You know, we were late to the party, and that's why the fire still burns bright.

We're really passionate about it.

So, in fact, when Bauer gets here, I've got to do a trade with her.

So I got some regionals from America when I was over there.

Do you want to just do that on the podcast then?

Yeah, yeah, because she's really excited to get it.

Yeah.

I've got a torque hole for her.

A what?

A torque hole.

What's a torque hole?

It's a turtle that has a blowhole in its shell.

Right.

A little orange turtle has a blowhole in its shell.

That was, I think that's stupid.

Oh, no, no, no.

You wait till you see it.

It kind of goes.

No, because the shell is protective.

Why would there be a hole in the shell?

Then predators are going to get to it, right?

It goes like, ooh, like it's going to have a poo, but then it blows air out of its blowhole.

Why is it blowing air out of its blowhole?

You've got got a blowhole you got to blow it out of it is it but is it a land based is it a land-based yeah just walking around so it doesn't need a blowhole it's stupid i guess that's maybe the point you could chuck it in water and it could survive under there has it got a mouth yes yeah stupid breathe in your mouth

i think that's so these are more questions for professor willow rather than me he's the expert

i just catch them all who's professor willow He's the guy who gives you like, you know, research tasks to do.

Right.

And he's the one who's doing all the research into the Pokemon.

yeah uh sometimes he can be a bit of a jerk and we get a bit annoyed of him bower and i can slag off willow quite a lot on on the group um chat don't let's not make this all about pokemon today james well

don't get to see a member of the crew in person very often it'd be quite nice to talk about it we're talking about food that's what the podcast is about helen's gonna do a dream meal and you know i've listened to a lot of uh trusty hogs and i think you're safe in terms of sweet things yes she talks about chocolate a lot oh yeah well Well, you know, Bauer and I once had lunch with Anya, who's been on the podcast, Hanga Borniano, and what a sweet day that was.

That was pudding central.

That was the meal where the waitress told us that we would get worms.

Yeah.

So

that was, I think I'm okay with Bauer coming on the pod when it comes to puds.

I sent Anya a hot chocolate velvetizer to say thank you for supporting me on tour.

For the date she supported supported me on tour lovely uh lovely thought i thought you know nice gift yeah um and then her flatmate messaged me saying are you trying to kill her yeah it's like sending a toaster to a baby

for their birthday play with this

i mean it's not exactly like that

i wouldn't send a toaster to a baby and go oh no they're gonna make toast all day long

Yeah, okay, fair enough.

Not quite like that, actually.

But in terms of the danger, yes, you're probably right.

But we're not here to talk about Anya.

We're here to talk about Helen Bauer.

Yes.

However, even though Bauer is a member of the crew and I respect her, if she says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is golden raspberries.

Why aren't you saying it with me, Ed?

Because I forgot what it was, because it's a Pokemon thing again.

Listen, golden raspberries.

B-E-R-R-Y.

Raspberries.

Golden raspberries.

They're the main treat in the Pokemon game.

So why is it a secret ingredient then?

Are they good?

Oh, listen, they're good for the Pokemon, but not for the trainer.

Right, the trainer can't eat them.

Trainer can't eat them.

Why?

Because they're for the Pokemon.

There's Pokemon only.

I've never seen a trainer eat a golden raspberry.

It gives the Pokemon extra energy.

So if the Pokemon is flagging, you give it the golden raspberry.

If it's in a gym.

If you put the Pokemon in the gym and loads of people have beat it up and its energy levels are down, you can feed it a golden raspberry and it goes right up to maximum energy again struggles and if you're trying to catch the pokemon in the wild if you give it a golden raspberry it makes it super easy to catch but golden raspberries aren't just everywhere they're quite they're the rarest of all the treats right there's a normal raspberry there's a nana berry nana berry it's like a banana one yeah and there's uh

the pineapple berry as well right and there's silver pineapple berry which is probably my personal favorite but golden raspberry is the most sought after okay i think Helen would like to, because it's dream restaurant, I think Helen would like to know what a golden raspberry tastes like in real life and might choose it.

If we have to try and kick Helen Bauer out of the restaurant,

I fear this may be the last thing we do in our lives.

Yeah, listen.

Because she's not backward in coming forward, as Helen Bauer.

Yeah, we were lucky that Jade was over Zoom.

Yeah.

Because

if that was in person, Jade would have beat the shit out of us.

So Bower is like you know it's like like in the terminator films yeah jade's like the first terminator in the first film and now this is t1000 yeah this is like uh you know what's it robert patrick or whatever his name is what's his name the guy actor anyway that that guy who's all liquid metal yeah that's what bower is to jade yeah jade's up i don't think she's gonna say golden raspberry she might do I think she might be thinking a lot about Pokemon.

It's, you know, because I'm on the pod.

Yeah.

And she'll be like, oh, I always wondered what a golden raspberry tastes like.

I think, here's what I'm going to say.

Is it unfair then to talk to her about Pokemon?

Are we not then absolutely setting her up for a trap here?

Well, I can't not talk about Pokemon to Bow, so that's not an option.

And

I think that

I won't have a chance to put Golden Raspberry as another.

Secret ingredient for that.

Fair enough.

I'm just putting it out there.

I've just got to do it.

Just putting it out there.

Just got to do it.

And I will take all all the blame if it happens.

Okay.

She'll know that you weren't involved.

She'll know that you don't know what a golden raspberry is.

I don't know what a golden raspberry is.

I played Pokemon Go for a bit, but we'll talk about it to Helen.

Yeah, yeah.

This is the off-menu menu of Helen Bauer.

Welcome, Helen, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Helen Bauer, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Wee!

It's a genie!

Thank you.

I genuinely thought there'd be a bit more to it than that.

You just raised your arms.

What did you think?

At least a bit of smoke.

Like something.

Like talcum powder.

We see what we want to see.

I've got a vape in my pocket.

Do you want to do it again?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Please.

I'll tell you what.

Welcome, Helen Bauer, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Enjoy that.

It was actually a lot better.

It was a lot better.

It's just something to think about.

Just workshop it.

You know what I mean?

what flavours that vape cola coca-cola coca-cola vape it's like sweet cola sweets

no no no i i'm a traditionalist fags honestly it's like straight hard tobacco that's what i want yeah like i do not understand this vape stuff it makes me feel um chokey like i'm gonna choke chokey whereas like i can have like 20 segs in a row yeah absolutely fine climb a mountain if i wanted to i don't but i could yeah yeah that's the point though you don't though do you

and also you couldn't.

I could.

I could.

I genuinely believe I've got the focus to get up a mountain.

After 20 cigarettes.

After 20, well, 20 packs, actually.

Shove me up there.

Shove me up there.

That's not climbing a mountain, though, is it?

Someone shoving you up there.

But like a big lad really doing a good push job.

You and a Sherpa going up with some poor Sherpa pushing you up a mountain, but you're smoking cigarettes.

Having to pass you sigs.

Well, I'd share them because surely they'd want to smoke as well because they'd be addicted by the amount of smoke coming back from me.

They'd want more of it.

If you got the Sherpa addicted to cigarettes halfway up the mountain, do you not think that would then affect his ability to help you get up the mountain?

I haven't thought it through.

Obviously, I haven't thought it through.

And also, Define Mountain.

How about that?

What?

Define mountain.

I think you guys are picturing...

Everest, whereas for me, a mountain could just be like a big pile of like candy, and that's a candy mountain, you know?

Just use your imagination.

We weren't picturing a candy mountain.

You've got us there.

Which is rare for you.

There's a mountain in Inside Out, Bing Bong.

And he's on, like, and he goes down into the cave and he's got to get up the mountain and it's all the stuff.

And he's like, bing bong.

And he can't.

And he dies.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's like, you don't say that.

Sorry.

No, it's because I'm like the child.

It helps our point here.

I bought my wife a cuddly bingbong after that film.

And I kept hiding it.

And she'd say, where's Bing Bong?

And I go, I don't know who you're talking about.

Nice.

Really good.

Really upset.

Really upset.

I've got a big cuddly mei Mei, the panda from Turning Red at the moment.

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely love it.

Like, I tucked it up with my housemate on the sofa the other night while he was watching one of his like prison break films or something.

I don't know what they're called.

Conair, maybe?

Yeah, maybe.

One of those ones.

It's either that or Russian dash cam videos.

And I like to tuck him up with a cuddly toy while he watches it.

While he watches his Russian dash camera.

And make him cute.

Yeah.

Make him really sweety, sweetie, baby, baby.

He hates me.

He calls it masculinity buckaroo.

He'll be sitting there.

I'll light a scented candle, put a blanket on him, and then it's when he freaks out.

That's when I put on the last item of masculinity buckaroo.

Is it fun living with you, do you think?

Yeah, really fun, really fun.

A lot of people have left me over the years, but I do think that's just because they want to live alone, but it's not because of me.

It's just, you know, the way the world is.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, but I guess after you,

well, what's the point of getting another housemate can't talk

living with Helen?

That must be.

So I'll have to live by myself now.

Yeah, I do notice people live with me grey quite quickly.

Yeah.

I do think, I think some men that I've lived with have lost height.

Okay.

Like,

which I

know sounds really bad, but they just seem to get so broken.

I don't know why, just maybe from the bants.

Yeah, yeah.

And like, like Sunil Patel, my current housemate, he's definitely like two inches shorter and greying like no one's business.

Yeah, I've noticed that.

But I think it's just from chittershatter.

Yeah.

Sunil's kind of like in a Last Crusade when they they drink the the the from the wrong cup at the end and then they go yeah, the guy rapidly turns into like a dead body.

Yeah, so that's what living

into a Disney reference for me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sorry, it's a bit universal.

Oh, yeah,

Disney reference.

Let's play Marvel.

I don't know what that is.

Is there a Disney film where someone drinks from a cup and turns into an old man?

I don't think there necessarily is.

Well, Snow White, she drinks from the poison chalice, the bad witchy.

Sure, bad witchy drinks from the poison chalice.

So living with you is like drinking from the poison chalice, yes, of love,

of love, of chitter chalice.

But he's got like techniques of how to get rid of me because he, him, and my old housemate is my best friend from school, and he texts Emma all the time, being like, Oh, like, what do I do with this?

But basically, turns out Emma wasn't very good.

So, he got like a lock for his door, a key and lock, and then he keeps a key on him.

What?

So, he has a lock on his bedroom.

Yeah, because I come in for cuddy club in the morning because I think it's important to have a morning cuddle, just physical contact.

Yeah, and he does not like cuddy club, no, no, but he hates it.

So then the solution has had to be that he locks his, he has a lot of

room to accept that Cuddy Club.

Well, I think it's good for him in the long run.

Well, it's good for him in the long run, isn't it?

It's good for him to have physical contact.

It's good for people to have it.

Well, I've heard of, I mean, I'm not sure if you want to tell this story on the podcast, Helen.

I heard a very funny story where the opposite happened to you in Edinburgh.

What?

You were living with a comic in Edinburgh who sleptwalk.

Oh, God.

That was.

Yeah, but that was years years ago.

How did you hear that?

I heard it from Chloe Pets.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

I was, right.

I respect people's choices when it comes to diet in general, but there are some comics out there who are fucking minging.

And I say that having Phil Ellis on my couch last night, who, do you know Phil's diet?

No, no.

Don't go on his Instagram.

It's just like...

all beige.

She has tortilla wraps of margarine on them and then just like a roast pheasant.

I'm not joking.

He's diabolical.

He can't have color because it makes him feel ill.

And I was living with one of his like northern comic mitts

and he was only drinking beer and then eating garlic bread from a takeaway, like a pizza takeaway every single night.

And then one night, Slett walked into my room and I was like in bed, naked, because

it's nice to feel, well, you know, it's windy in Edinburgh and hush to feel the wind beneath your wings.

And I'm lying there having a lovely time, not doing anything.

And then he wonders then, and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

Like, holding the doove up to me.

And he's just looking at me.

And I'm like, what are you doing?

And he was like, no, I'm just going to bed.

And got in my bed.

And I was like, this isn't your room.

This isn't your room.

Like, your girlfriend's next door.

Like, no.

He was like, no, I'm just going to bed.

Shut up.

And then lay down and then turned around and exploded.

It's the only way I can say the gas was like, have you ever, right?

You know, when you've had like a Tuscan bean soup and you wake up in the morning and you leave your room and you come back in and the whites of your eyes sting because of the what the product you've produced, he did that in a second.

In your bed.

It was like a mushroom cloud.

And then he turned it and went rang room.

What?

Rang room.

Rang room.

And sculled out and left me like gasping for air, like clawing at the wall.

It was, oh God.

And I'm like pro fart in general.

Like I am fine with it.

I am the daughter of a man who works in sewage.

Like I am two farm daughter till I die.

But it was mad.

Mads.

Loved that story.

Yeah, that's.

But that, you know, if anyone's new to Helen Bower,

that's all you need to know.

How is that all you need to know?

I'm a multifaceted person.

I'm an Aries.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And a poo farm daughter till I die.

And a poo farm daughter till I die.

And a poo-fum poo daughter till she dies.

That's all you need to know.

But you might need my expertise on poo because when I was arriving in this building, apparently there's a problem with your drains.

What's happening?

Do you want to talk about it?

Well, Ben knows all the

details and he refuses to talk.

Oh, but Nito can't talk.

It's only because I'm drinking tap water and we're all having it, but now there's a problem with your drains.

I'm worried because tap water is a tricky one.

Because obviously, like, it's gone through people's systems about eight times before it reaches your mouth in London at the moment.

But it's filtered, though, isn't it?

Yeah, but my dad's in charge of the filtering.

Is he still in charge of the filtering?

Well,

not for London.

No, he left Pooh Farming.

Yeah.

And then he was going to dig down to the water table in Fleet, my hometown.

You know, like just dig a hole to see where the water stays.

For work or just for a laugh?

Well, for fun.

That was his retirement.

And then my mum went to a dinner party and one of the women's husbands had already done it.

And she was like, yeah, it's like, you know, two foot six.

And he was like, oh, it's only got back in time.

That was his whole retirement plan.

He was a poo farmer.

Was to dig down to the water table.

Then he found out someone else had already done it so he ran back to his job.

Well, he was going to learn how to cook, but he made a tigreen curry and it took him all day.

But then he realised he didn't know how to do rice, so he did it with mashed potato.

My mum came home and was like,

absolutely not.

And then weirdly, she did divorce him about a month after that.

Yeah.

And then he got on a different poo farm job.

Yeah.

Did he connect the dots?

Also a child of divorce.

That's another side to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got a child, 25.

Pushing it a bit, isn't it?

All of the facts you're bringing up about yourself to describe yourself pale in comparison to the stuff you've said immediately previously.

So your dad digging down to the water table and then making mashed potato with a tiger and curry.

Yes.

And then you sweep that under the rug and say I'm a child of divorce.

I'm a child of divorce.

Been through a lot.

25.

Terrible.

Ripped the family apart.

None of us lived at home, but yeah.

You ripped the family apart before the divorce.

No, it's probably all of us.

Yeah.

We're all a bit of a nightmare.

I mean, we should get into talking about food, really.

After we had about the tiger and curry and the lunch.

Yeah, that was foody.

Are you a fan of food?

Yeah, very pro-food.

Pro-food, love it, eat all the time, can't stop eating, think about a 24-7.

Really learning in the last year that quality and quantity are different things, but it's hard to learn.

It's a hard.

What's the difference?

Quantity makes you feel sick, makes you feel like you want to die.

Quality, feel good, feel special, want to take a picture.

Okay.

Very different.

It's a difficult mental shift to make, I think.

It's one that I've made a few years ago, but I was definitely in that quantity over quality thing for a while.

Well, you were a buffet boy.

I was a buffet boy.

So then when you're a buffet boy, you're pure quantity.

I used to work a hotel buffet, so I get it.

Like, yeah, big time, 5 a.m.

every morning.

But then if you're working it, can you really attack the can you attack the buffet?

Can you attack the buffet if you're working it?

Come on, son.

Yes.

Yes.

I would do the very clever thing of making sure as many people in my area knew that you could order an omelette from the chef.

Yeah.

And then I'd go and stand and watch the omelette get made whilst absolutely chowing down like no one's business.

So you'd be on the buffet watching the omelette chef work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no, the omelette chef was in the back.

So I'd have to go back to the omelette chef.

We didn't have an omelette chef on display.

What's the omelette chef's name?

Yanina.

Yanina.

Yanina, Yanina.

Yanina.

Yeah.

I've been to hotel buffets where the omelette chef's on display.

They're nice.

This was a...

Yeah, I have.

It was not on display.

It was like a business hotel, but a very good business hotel.

I probably shouldn't say the chain in Germany.

Yeah.

In Scandinavia, Sweden.

Lovely country.

There's a breakfast buffet.

And I didn't understand what any of the little cards said for each thing.

And

I had a bottle of cream.

You wanted yogurt, I'm assuming.

Yeah, I thought it was yogurt to put on my...

I had some fruit.

I just

spooned all these massive things of yogurt on it.

it and it was just pure like cream.

You've got to write it out in English as well because we used to have to write what it was and obviously like wrote it out in German but then always write it out in English even though it's basically the same words right.

Yeah and also you can normally see what a food is right.

Well apparently not is thick as shit you ended up with a bowl of green whipped cream.

Yes, but it looked like yogurt.

Yeah yeah no this is what I see for that one you do need it written out because I can see yogurt like Greek yogurt or something I thought oh this is nice.

Yeah.

I mean at least it wasn't a bowl of mayonnaise because that could have been a bit yeah yeah.

It's tricky eating a bowl of mayonnaise.

And to be fair, my brain, because it was expecting yogurt, took about three mouthfuls to realise it was cream.

Yeah.

Just want to quickly circle back.

You said it's tricky eating a bowl of mayonnaise.

It is.

You've got to focus.

Like, it's tough.

Yeah.

Like, I don't think I've had a bowl, but like, like a tub, yeah.

You've really got a tub.

I've got mayonnaise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

More than a bowl.

Yeah.

Like, you know, when you've got to clean your fridge and you're like, oh, I've got to eat the fridge out.

No.

And you're like, I've got to get through the mayonnaise.

I've got to eat the fridge out.

But if I was going to get through the mayonnaise,

I wouldn't necessarily just eat.

Oh, let's say we're on a time crunch, though.

You've got to eat.

What time crunch are you on?

Is it

just before midnight?

Like, okay, so if I'm making something and I've got to put mayonnaise in it and I don't want to wash up the spoon, so I lick the spoon and then put it in something else.

So I just have a big spoonful of mayonnaise.

But if I want to do that five times, I'd struggle with it.

Are you happy now?

Is that what you want me to say?

Unbelievable.

But mayonnaise is like a staple of my diet.

Like, I'm very naturally mayo-y.

So I do think I could do it, but I think there's a focus required.

Would you eat Simon Mayo?

Yeah.

I'd eat anything at a push.

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So we'll start with still a sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

Sparkling please.

Wow, I didn't think you'd say sparkling.

Really?

Yes, I thought you would see sparkling as stupid and you'd have strong opinions about it and think this is stupid sparkling water.

No way I want this.

You've made so many assumptions about me.

And you know what they say?

When you assume you make a cunt of yourself.

No, I love sparkling water.

It's a treat.

Also, I did live in Germany for many years and that is the standard there.

So I'd like, but like, obviously, like in Germany, they're so into sparkling water, there's levels of sparkling.

Right.

And I'd like the medium because I don't want to go levels.

Do you want this to be German sparkling water?

Yeah, go on.

German sparkling water.

Let's go for like the proper like Gerolsteiner, like classic fucking like big glass bottle that I can put back in and get money back for.

Oh, so you go and buy it from the shop, then drink it and then give the bottle back and you get the money back for it.

Yeah, obviously now I'm on Soda Streamy, but like...

Are you?

Yeah.

One and a half pumps?

James couldn't work his.

Why can't you work yours?

It was broken.

A lot of them break very easily, I think.

And is yours broken?

No.

Mine's thriving, if anything.

It might be broken, though.

You might want to check it when you get home.

A lot of them don't work very well.

That's not true.

That's no one's faulty.

No one would work out how to use it properly.

And it would go all over him every time because you didn't screw it in.

You've got to screw it fully in, obviously.

I'm pretty sure I did that.

I think it was broken.

Look me me in the eye and tell me you didn't put a glass under it and just think, oh, this will work just for one glass.

I just give it a pump.

I didn't do that.

No, many of us.

Yeah, not many of us.

Did you do that anyway?

No, I was stupid as fuck.

I've done it so many times.

I didn't do that.

But I also use mine like five times a day because I'm like, I do it for if I want to make a statement at home.

I'll like hit the face and then be like, listen up, bitch.

So you do it for like a conversation.

To punctuate things as well, like conversations.

You hiss the solar stream, he gets another inch shorter.

Yeah, yeah.

He knows cuddy clubs are about to happen.

So, if you were going to get the uh, so what was it?

Did you say Grolsteiner?

Yeah.

Can you um order it in German, please, so we can hear you uh get it in Germany?

Dopperscheiner, Ganzer Flascher Groststeiner, Haven bitter the spielwater.

I mean, it's total spiel, nistoffier, non medium, classic bitter.

Would you be laughing in the shop as you order?

Yeah,

Immazor.

Great.

Did you need to hear that?

Do you guys speak German?

No.

Oh, right.

You just need to check.

It's just, you know, it's a cool thing that you can do.

Dankerschen.

You can

speak German.

And, you know, I think it's fun to hear it.

It is, is.

And they have the best sparkling water in the world.

They're very focused on it.

To the point where, like, tourists get very upset there all the time because they ask for water and they get sparkling water.

I did not know that, you know.

Yeah, you've got to ask for tap water.

People get very confused.

very confused but big fan of sparkling water which makes me feel bad because now i'm drinking tap water here

i knew it was coming james waited until you were holding a glass of water as well i put it down you're holding it to your lips and i thought i can get her that was psychotic that was really that was one of the best you've ever seen that was one of the best

i felt great because i was like how am i going to do this because bower is no stranger to volume You're not going to be able to get her here.

Also, the

instant reaction of Helen there to the reflex of saying, I don't like it.

I rarely interrupt the guest with it.

I interrupt myself or you.

I'll never interrupt the guest with it, but I thought it's the only way I'm going to get her.

Yeah, because I interrupt.

Oh, no.

Only way that I'm going to be able to catch you off guard with poppin' arms or bread.

I'm actually sweating.

Is my phone at you when you were mid-sentence?

This has been, that is traumatising, bread, but traumatising.

Honestly, my mum always says that I was in the trenches in a past life.

And whenever something like that happens, I'm like, there's something to it.

Because my reaction is just like, oh, my God, I'm going to die.

What do you mean your mum says you're in the trenches in a past life?

Oh, like when I was younger, we went to the Imperial War Museum and I didn't want to go, you know, the trench experience there.

I didn't want to go in.

I just started crying.

And my mum was like, here we bloody go.

So that's why your mum

that you're in the trenches.

As a child, you didn't want to go in the trench experience.

She was very frightened of it.

Yeah.

She felt like I was having a flashback.

Yeah.

You look so confused.

Yeah, but kids don't want to do stuff sometimes.

It doesn't mean it had anything to do with their past life.

No, but she needed to justify because she'd basically gone through this whole thing that Titanic had come out and she didn't want to see it because she thought she was on it in a past life and it bring back too many memories.

Like she still can't listen to Celine Dion.

It's the whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Always nice to get an explanation that leads to more questions.

But I panicked.

I fully panicked when you screamed that at me.

And then I'm like,

clearly there's a past there.

Well, maybe, yeah, but I think it will be in the life that you have led this life.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

I don't think it is the past life you were in the trenches.

Yeah,

I think maybe the reason you cried at the war museum is because your family are German.

Family did.

Also, I don't think in the trenches that you got an option between poppadoms or bread.

No, do you not?

I think you know, it was just a bit of hard bread or bread.

Well, yeah, maybe on the English side and the German side, we're thriving.

Pop a dumb with a port.

Prot bitter.

But bread is bread.

Obviously, bread.

I have listened to this podcast.

I never understand when poppadums is a choice.

It's so specific.

For me, that feels like a side to a curry.

Like, you don't start with just a big plain crisp.

It's purely.

So you would start a curry with the poppadum, right?

You get those before the curry, right?

Yeah, obviously, but that feels like it comes like I want it with the curry so I can make like a taco of the curry.

Interesting.

So you wouldn't have...

the poppa dumbs finish the poppadums and then the curry comes no oh that's great no they go in there they bring it in a big stack all the dips, you and your friends starving.

You're starving.

No one's slagging off the dips, but there's something about like poppadom arriving and then you've got your curry and then you're dipping the poppadom in to like finish it off or like making the taco and then you're like all messy and it's like you're flirting with the guy and you've got your big crisp taco and you're like

so you're flat you're flirting with the waiter in this scenario yeah by showing how good a sandwich i can make

well and i'll quote you eating a big pop a dom taco and you're all messy yes and going

but in a relatable way yeah like a rom-com yeah yeah yeah yeah like what am i like big messy girl

dribbling taking masanas on myself what am i like oh burn a film and this guy

this guy is absolutely obsessed with losing his nuts yeah losing his nut yeah he's in no way getting you know on the phone to get a lock fitted on the kitchen door

He's filling tables aside so he can get his boner through.

Like, you know, room for everyone.

No, no, no, I don't know what cuddy club means.

a particular type of bread i like soft bread i don't want to have to work for it you know when you have a sandwich and at the end of it your jaw's tired and you're like i didn't deserve that you know what like um the bread they put around like german donni kebabs oh yeah the dude it's called like oh no it's a turkish bread it's probably got a turkish name but fladenbrot yeah yeah and it's like sesame on top and it's like really pillowy and gorgeous it's like a really nice pitter basically

tastes like yeah like that.

And it's like, there's a bit of oil definitely involved.

And it's like, oh my god, that just like super soft and like

melty in your mouth.

Are you putting anything on the bread?

Butter, but like I need the butter to already be melted because I don't want to waste time.

Okay.

Like if the butter can be a dip, like olive oil, that's easier for me.

So like a pot of clarified butter that you can

or sort of like a soft serve machine.

Yeah.

And it just like fizzes out

onto the bread.

Like

hot butter, obviously.

Sort of clarified butter, but from like a beer draft pump.

I'm going to level with you, Ed.

I don't know what clarified means.

It's like just melted, basically.

Just say melted then.

Come on.

Who are we showing off to?

James?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

The words.

I was impressed.

Okay.

Yeah.

I want a hot melted bowl of clarified butter and I want a dip.

I don't want a spread.

But you want it coming out of the draft pump and it's I think so.

Yeah, actually I do definitely want a draft pump.

Yeah.

I think we've talked about this bread before because we all went for a meal at Kudu in Peckham.

And they do a bread that comes in a skillet and it's like brioche type bread.

So it's like fresh baked.

But then they bring another skillet with just melted butter in it with loads of bacon in it as well.

That's funny.

And they do another one that's like a shrimp one.

And then you just sit there and dip this.

It is heaven.

It is exactly what you've described.

Yeah.

Okay, amazing.

I'm going there.

It sounds incredible.

It's phenomenal.

Yeah.

Because sometimes when you spread butter, you can end up with like the ratio being like too thick on one end and you're talking so you can't really focus on it the way that you want to.

And for me, like bread and butter is binging.

So it's it's speed, right?

You're getting it in because someone else might start trying to grab at it and it becomes a whole thing because like it's still not in this day and age socially acceptable to have your own bread basket.

Right.

Like it's still frowned upon.

That's very true.

Even if there's two of you and you know you're going to ask for more bread for some reason, God forbid when you sit down bread basket each, God forbid, and that would be quicker.

It saves everyone a trip, yeah, everyone's happier.

It's madness to be happy.

For the waiter, I guess it's

not everyone a trip, yeah.

It doesn't save everyone a trip,

makes me happy, and that's what we're all aiming for.

That's what we're going for here, because it's your dream, dream meal.

It's my dream meal.

So you want to make sure you've got the bread basket for you at your dream meal filled with those fluffy, pillowy pitters, and you've got your clamified butter coming out of a draft pump yeah and i want it to melt into the bread like butter does on a crumpet yeah like that level of sponge yeah yeah oh it's made me sad now that no one's ever chose crumpets can we choose crumpets for poppa dumsel bread oh is crumpet a bread for you i would let people choose that we can throw a couple of crumpets in the basket for you yeah i'll have a couple yeah yeah oh my god and then and some marmite as well because you know like when you have marmite

crumpet yeah yeah yeah that how thick are you spreading on the marmite reasonable Like, you're tasting it, but it's not the biggest presence in every bite.

There'll be butter pockets, marmite pockets.

I'll mix it in my mouth because at the end of the day, as my mum always says, it all comes out like shit.

So, you know what I mean?

She's a wife woman.

She's got a lot going on, your mum.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot going on.

You used to be in the trenches.

It all comes out like shit.

Thank you, mama.

That sounds great.

Just thinking about it, I feel happy and I've calmed down from the shock.

Are you, with this draft, are you putting the bread under it and then drafting straight onto it, or are you drafting into a little bowl and then dipping?

I want both options, please, because I feel like at first I'll be going straight on the bread and then I'm going to want to play around with like dipping, double dipping, triple dipping, letting soak and then lift up because there's so many dipping techniques and I'm pretty familiar with most of them.

I watch.

Because like there's soaking levels and I'd like to play around with that, like biscuit and tea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're only human, so I assume you will be trying putting your head directly under the draft and pouring some butter directly into your mouth.

Well, yeah, yeah, obviously.

Yeah, only human.

Yeah, only human.

Let me be.

If someone had a butter draft and they didn't do that, I'd think they're a psychopath.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't think I would do it.

You would do it.

You did it at the bloody ice cream shop you used to work at.

Yeah, with ice cream.

Yeah, sure.

Not with the ice cream.

Sweet butter.

I did it with

the little pump for the soft serve.

I'd do that directly in the mouth.

She's not going to brain freeze.

Yeah, yeah, but that's part of the fun.

Feels like very medically risky.

Do it with the

wow, I was young.

I'd do it with the ice blasts, you know.

I'd mix the ice blasts with the soft drinks.

But yeah, you have to give it a go because it's always like, you know, when you watch like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and like Wonka's so shocked that Augustus Gloop is drinking out of the Chocolate River and it's like, as if no one's done that before.

Like as if the umple and pas aren't doing that the moment when your back is turned.

It's like, oh no, we can't drink out of it.

And it's like they're all bloody doing it.

It's

It's a weirdly unfair film.

Especially that one.

Oh, when Glove doesn't win.

Where the whole thing is, here's my magical chocolate factory with loads of everything is edible.

It's all chocolate.

How exciting.

I'm going to invite five kids in.

And if they don't obey the rules, they get, it's like, what are you on about?

You just invited them into the most exciting place ever.

Yes.

And now you're going to put rules that are don't drink out of that chocolate river that I've just left completely open to everyone.

And don't try that new chocolate bar that I've just invented over there, Mike TV or whoever that can be.

Don't have a gob stopper.

Yeah,

the rules are insane, but I also just morally have a problem with it.

Because what the hell does Charlie Bucket, a boy that's had two chocolate bars in his life, tops, know about running a chocolate factory?

You know, if a man knows chocolate, it's gloop.

Give it to him.

He's researched it.

He's dedicated his entire life to chocolate.

Even when he finds the wonkabar at the beginning, they ask him, How do you feel?

And he just says, Hungry.

Like, absolute respect.

Yeah, but also, Gloop's, you can't give Gloop the chocolate factory.

Why?

Week tops that factory's lasting.

He's drinking all of it, isn't he?

Is he drinking all of that?

How dare you?

Gloop clearly can't control himself.

Look, it's like when you, what's your face with the buffet, you lose your mind.

But the fifth, sixth day in the hotel, when you're going down there, it's all different.

It's different.

No, you don't know gloop.

Literally.

He said he felt hungry

every day.

There's going to be a a call going,

yeah, gloop's stuck in the tube again.

Yeah,

he's going to get stuck in the tube every day.

Well, then he'll remove the tube, won't he?

And he'll learn how to swim.

He'll learn how to swim on Chockey River and he'll have a lovely time.

Either way, Charlie Bucket's not running well either.

What's he going to do?

I think Charlie Bucket would, given his personality type, would take it very seriously and want to please and do it.

I think in the long run, it would not be good for Charlie Bucket's mental health working

in the chocolate factory.

People don't think about Buckets.

And having all the the pressure on him because he would he would he would care so much about doing it right yeah and not being selfish about it yeah that he would take it very very seriously from a young age and for a while he wouldn't notice that that's bad for him because it would be such a step up from you know where where he was living with everyone in one bed yeah that's fucked up man but by the time he gets into his like you know 30s or whatever he'll have time to reflect yeah and go this actually hasn't been very good for me yeah yeah and all this pressure and actually i wish i just had been like gloop and just drank out of that river and just been a kid yeah you know gloop says yes to life in many ways like throws off into it also like wonka gives charlie the factory just after he's broken the ceiling it's all for special

dollar had a real problem with fat kids didn't he yeah did he well yeah they're all like old greedy little fat kids yeah it's like disgusting it's like that bruce bog trotter

oh

everyone cheers them on that's true bruce is love

have you heard of um the company get baked No.

They're a bakery in Leeds and they do a cake called The Bruce.

No.

Which is like a real-life version of the cake from Matilda.

Made with the blood, sweat, and tears of cookie.

They have to sell it in slices because it's so big.

So have you had it?

Yeah.

How was it?

Oh, it's insane.

It's brilliant, but it took me about four to five sittings to eat the whole slice.

Your eyes have lit up and

in a thick way.

It's so good.

So it's like on a sugar high from talking about it.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's phenomenal.

Leeds.

Leeds.

But But they deliver as well.

Okay, deliver it.

Deliver you a slice of the Bruce.

Yeah.

No, I want to see the whole thing.

They wouldn't sell me the whole thing.

It's like legally, they can't do it.

No, I think they'd have to get a truck to bring it in on a pallet.

You better get onto your menu proper.

Yeah.

I'm focused.

I'm focused.

No one said you were.

That's how it felt.

Your dream starter.

I would like prawn purri.

Oh, yeah.

It's the best.

It's the best starter.

It's delicious.

It's like the nicest curried prawns and like this fried, it's more bread, but I'm medically addicted to bread.

Like fried, sort of like doughy, roti.

Oh my God, I can't handle it.

With like lemon that you put on the prawns.

There's an amazing one in South London called Apollo Banana Leaf.

It's like a Sri Lankan restaurant

And you know it's good because like they sort of have a menu, but they don't.

They just sort of go like, if you say anything, they're like, we don't have it.

We don't have it.

Yeah.

Like, but then they just sort of make up other dishes.

And at the end, they just sort of like guess at a price.

You're like, can we have the bill?

And they're like, uh,

20 pounds?

Like,

so you know it's good.

Yeah.

Right.

Because it's all about the food and it's just magical.

And the prawn purri is something they have on there.

all the time.

That is there.

I have never been turned away with a prawn puri.

Great.

Never.

Always get it.

Always get it.

I love, I do love a a prawn purri when i was growing up when i was living at home with my mum that was like when we'd order an indian yeah we'd always share everything but then she'd get a prawn puri for herself and for some reason i never got a prawn purri so i would always be like that prawn puri was amazing but it was like my mum's secret treat that she would have yeah so when i started ordering my own takeaways always a prawn puri and you know what it was worth it it is because it's also like the ultimate greedy person starter yeah because everyone else just gets like a simple like they got samosas or something and then obviously you can be like a samosa yeah someone gets a bag of ian barges give me an onion barge don't be a dick about it you get a prawn poury that's coming in two separate items because you've got the prawn curry and the bread yeah but if you order a prawn pouri and a naan everyone's chill with it but if you order two naans then you're two naans helen you know what i mean

so it's like you've really like thought about it you're getting two parts in one no one wants to be two naans helen i was and it was a tough time it's a tough time we could tell that you were

when you're saying it's like that's not a vent mental that wasn't a universe

don't aunt Helen if she comes

but now I figured out the prawn purry trick yeah yeah I love a prawn purri one of the sweetest stories Ed's ever told that I don't I don't want to gloss over it too much because like I already told it because I knew you'd love it when he grew up he started ordering porn purries to be like his mother

And of course, we've talked about it on the podcast before.

My Pizza Express order is my Pizza Express order because I copied it off my dad.

Yeah.

so cute

and do you feel close to them when you do it no

but part of you must yeah think of them prawn puri definitely yeah yeah

did you ever confront her and be like why did i not get one

no like really i mean obviously

i think she was probably already getting fed up with me being like and i want this and this and this and this so she's like well all right you can have that but you're not having any of my prawn purri we've ordered half the restaurant already she's got to have something for herself yeah well she's got her boy.

That's all she needs.

A sweet little boy.

Sweet little boy.

I was very much the gloop of the Indian takeaway.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He wouldn't have inherited that takeaway.

If they were looking for

five kids around the kitchens.

Yeah, I'd be stuck in the corner tube.

Oh!

With his face pressed against the...

Your mum just screaming.

Yeah.

He can't swim.

I've got the swamik says a bronze later.

He's going to the Pecora room.

Quick ramp.

How quickly the exact quotes from Charlie Chocolatory just tripped off your tongue just then.

They were exactly.

I haven't thought about that.

That version of it, the Gene Wilder version is one of the films I watched the most as a kid.

Yeah.

But I couldn't directly quote it like that.

You were straight in there with not only...

Is that word perfect?

I'm pretty sure that's exactly how she sounds.

Augustus Darling said.

It's the whole delivery.

Very passionate about it.

Even though I fundamentally don't like it, because I still believe it's gloops.

Yeah.

What do you mean by Slugworth?

Such a good character.

Like such, like the way that he survives with all the children.

I don't think I read the book.

He's not in the book, Slugworth.

They put him in that film.

Really?

Yeah, they added him for the film.

So Roldah hated Slugworth when he saw the film.

He was like, they've ruined it with this Slugworth.

Really?

That bit in the tunnel.

That's so scary.

Yeah, the tunnels.

So good.

The boat ride sort of thing.

Have you been to the Shrek Adventure?

No.

No.

There's

a magic bus ride that really makes me think about it.

Yeah.

Like it's really similar.

Like you're on this bus and it's like you're going through these different worlds and I'm like, oh.

With Shrek.

Yeah, with Shrek.

Oh, no.

Shrek's not with you.

You have to.

Part of the adventure is you're going to get Shrek from prison.

He's in prison.

Awful.

Why are you looking at each other like that?

I'm not looking at Ed.

I'm putting my hand in front of Ed so I can't see his face.

Moving on to your main course.

What does that mean?

Do you know James does a brilliant impression of Shrek?

No.

So if there's anything you would like to hear Shrek say, then ask James and he'll magically transform into it.

Yeah, obviously Augustus Starling saves some room for later, but as Shrek.

Okay, it's gonna get the lines of my head.

I just gotta get into it.

No, I get it.

I'll vamp up to it with some other words, with some like stop Shrek phrases and then some stop Shrek phrases.

That's huds.

Ogres are like an onion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my name is Shrek.

Oh, don't get it.

Augustus Darling, you save some room for later.

What was that?

Was that?

Helen looks so disappointed.

That was disappointing.

No, come on.

That was.

Devastated.

Who told you that was good?

Ed says it's good.

It's really good.

Is it?

Yeah, that's why we make him do it on every episode.

I have never heard that before, and I've listened to this podcast.

Maybe he gets edited out.

I don't know how Benito edited it.

I'll say this, babe, it's not good.

It's actually woefully bad.

No, he's just warming up.

So do Augustus darling.

He did it.

He said it.

Oh, did he?

I said it told Augustus Goop.

I told him, you'll save the rule for later.

You sound a Texan, like a Texan man.

My name is Shrek.

Don't care.

Don't care.

Have you been to the Shrek Adventure?

He is the Shrek Adventure.

You are the Shrek Adventure.

Come with me, and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.

My name is Shrek.

I'm my boat.

You can come imagination.

That's more like Donkey.

No?

Donkey, you and me.

will I charge,

I am Trek, I'm a big friendly ogre.

It's lovely.

That's really that got better because I liked the song a lot.

But I'm a sucker for a song.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was upsetting.

Dream main course.

Okay, you know how tricky this question is, right?

Like that's almost impossible.

But I've decided to be true to myself.

Yeah.

And it's my go-to.

Dominoes.

Domino.

Domino's.

Dominoes.

I want dominoes.

This is the first.

Medically can't be without it.

Like, I find it hard to not be close to a dominoes at any point.

Like, we never had it growing up.

It was like this forbidden fruit.

And this girl I went to school with, her dad managed three dominoes.

Oh, my God.

Even over the period where you got a free dime bar with your dominoes, and her house was just dime bars.

It was incredible.

So, like, I felt like I was so close to it, but then never got it because there's a dominoes in my hometown.

We don't have much house.

It's just like, I love it.

Everything about it is just flawless.

The garlic and herb dip.

Like, I'm a stuffed crust baby till I do.

I want the double mozzarella cheese.

I'm getting emotional.

It is so comforting.

But to the point I got so addicted to it, because I'm not like, I only have it on a Tuesday, obviously for Teeth Tuesday.

I'm not like thick.

But then I had notes on my phone.

I'd written myself about how I feel after a dominoes.

So I wouldn't do it again.

But my writing is dog shit.

Like, and I say that as someone who wants to write, like, it is.

You have the notes.

You got the notes.

I actually deleted them because I thought it was probably like bad.

I had so many.

So, so there's so many different Helens in this situation because there's before dominoes like can't wait for the dominoes.

There's Helen eating the dominoes, which is like a bridging person.

Oh, it's the hungry, happy Helen.

Yeah, but the hungry, hungry hip hop.

Then there's post-dominoes,

feels awful.

Like, writes the notes.

Gastrically,

like in a real state.

And like, I was in, I've like had the worst gastro year.

I was in like hospital three weeks ago because I was having this egg out in my bra every day and it had been heated up between my tits for 50 minutes.

What?

And I'd eat this hard-boiled egg and turns out don't do that.

What?

So like,

I was no, what?

No, that's okay.

Do you know what?

Actually, and you're

listening.

I'm going to say that is in all the times that we've done the podcast the weirdest sentence anyone has ever said.

No, it's not.

And the fact you are trying to gloss over this and move on.

And what I'm assuming.

There was no context that you gave whatsoever.

You didn't give any context.

I'm assuming that you were just it was a show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And during the show, you had an egg in your bra.

Yes.

And you would get the egg out at the end of the show and eat it.

Correct.

Okay.

So that's the conversation.

I wasn't shouted at you.

But

from our perspective, you just said,

every day I had this egg out in my bra, and it was in there for 50 minutes, and then I would eat the egg.

I can see how that's confusing.

That's not me.

Would you put a raw egg in your bra?

No, I didn't.

And then it would cook.

I did try par-boiled, but...

A nightmare.

Because movement-wise, like your yolk constantly at risk, so it would go in hard-boiled.

Because I ate an egg.

I bit into the egg at the end of every show, but I was eating it because I couldn't find a bin that was convenient so i was just like eating the whole egg but it had been heated between my breasts and sweating on stage the whole show and then i'd eat it and it was like some days the egg i'd left backstage at the venue in like a two pack from the day before and then one day i couldn't find an egg so i was like peeling a scotch egg so it was like a meaty egg in between my bra and i'd done that every day for like 26 days and everyone was like oh don't eat an egg out your bra and everyone was like you're refrigerating it and you're just like oh yeah i'm refrigerating it just to like, because it's not worth the fight because it's like

people always like, oh, you need to refrigerate it.

But it's like, well, you don't know that because no one's eating an egg out their bra every day after being in the 50s.

It feels safer though, doesn't it?

It was guesswork, isn't it?

It's just that hypothetical ideas that aren't true.

And I'm not going to be like, fucking told what to do by like Catherine Bohart.

Because what does she know about eggs in refrigeration?

So I was eating it and was feeling a bit queasy and then went to do some gigs in Norway.

and you messaged saying get this chocolaty treat smash smash good love smash yeah yeah

and then my tummy really hurt and then I couldn't drink anything and um ended up in hospital having to get rehydrated and they were like what have you done and I was like nothing I've just had chocolate covered crisps and a banana because I was feeling a bit sick yeah and um did you tell them about the egg in the bra I did tell them about the egg but they thought I think they thought I was delirious because it's like second language stuff right

I'd imagine you gave them no context whatsoever.

Yeah, imagine you just went into it, I've been eating an egg out of my bar every day.

Sometimes I peel a scotch egg and eat it and have that between my tits.

But otherwise, you have to be like, oh, I'm a comedian.

I did this thing called the Edinburgh Fringe.

And then you go into that, which I eventually did tell them.

Then they could hear them all at the nurses' station, like watching my live at the Apollo as I was, like, writhing in pain in a corridor because I couldn't get into a room.

Yeah.

But I had a lovely time on the Gastro Ward in Oslo.

Shout out to the gals on it.

Yeah.

Shout out.

I made a lot of friends.

Well, just smiling.

We couldn't talk, but but it was nice.

I hesitate to ask this, but what situation were you in where you couldn't find an egg, but there was a scotch egg to have?

That happened a couple of times.

Basically, I couldn't always remember to boil egg at home in Edinburgh.

And then if I did, I'd have to walk across town with a boiled egg in my bra, which I think we're adding an extra hour.

So hang on,

you would boil them at home.

Well, I got late.

You could have been in your bra immediately.

You wouldn't take them to the venue and do it just before you went on stage.

Yeah, but then you've got to travel with an egg, which is quite tricky.

And the safest place I figured to carry an egg is between your breasts.

So it wasn't just 50 minutes that the egg was in there.

Oh, someday.

Sometimes it would be a couple of hours and a long walk to the venue.

You're looking at me like, this isn't good, but like, it's very nestled.

Where does a hen keep an egg?

In her tits.

Probably.

I'm pretty sure that's not.

Well,

where does a hen's tits start and when does it get round to the tummy?

I mean, I think it's a bit of a title.

It's tit until the arsehole, as far as I'm considered with a hen.

It might be tit until until the arsehole.

But I'm pretty sure that if a hen was able to

operate a Tupperware tub.

But I didn't have a Tupperware tub in Edinburgh.

I'm not going to buy one for 25 days of egg transport, am I?

That would be a really good deal because they're pretty cheap Tupperware tubs.

Didn't do it.

Should have just done that.

Didn't do it.

Didn't do it.

I'm trying to think about chickens with tits now.

You know, Clucky and Robin Hood, she's got big breasts, doesn't she?

I can't remember.

She plays Badminton with Maid Marion.

She's got big, big, big knockers, and the shuttlecock goes in between them.

Right.

Okay.

But then I would, some days I wouldn't have boiled the egg at home, so I'd be like, oh, go into like, you know, like Sainsbury's and Tesco.

We'll do those little like protein pots with like two eggs in it or three eggs boiled.

Yeah.

Yeah, they are crap actually.

I did have something from Pratt yesterday, actually, to be fair.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, you get the egg and then you put it in, but then I would leave the like pot of three eggs for the next two eggs at the venue.

Oh my god, Helen.

In the bunkers, you know, the bunker bars in Edinburgh?

Yeah,

yeah, really really warm.

Yeah, like humid.

A lot of humid mold on the ceilings and stuff, I think.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

I never looked up.

So you would.

It's very small and damp, isn't it?

And then I'd put it in my bra the next day and then eat that one.

And then some days they wouldn't have the protein pots because they're like, you know, Edinburgh, lots of actor kids, they want their protein and I respect it.

So then I'd be peeling a Scotch egg from Liddle.

Yeah.

Real low point, actually, when your audience are queuing up and you're there peeling a Scotch egg trying to put it in between.

Did you peel in it?

I sort of put the meat in the bin.

There's something about about eating just the meat around a Scotch egg, which just feels wrong.

This is where your standards come in.

Well, I don't want to get sick, don't you?

Shove the meat up your ass in case you've got an on call.

Just me squatting in the

sick.

Turn to the audience.

Where do my tits end?

Oh, man.

I mean, that is definitely going to be a routine in the future for hell.

Where do my tits end?

We do an hour of the material on Monday, so that'll be really useful, actually

do we even get your dream main course dominoes dominoes oh hold on we need more specifics hold on

topic it's just dominoes i mean

would you keep it as just that's that's your dream main course is just dominoes we do need some specifics we need to do specifics stuffed crust right large stuffed crust but problem with dominoes is when you have a large and a stuffed crust you lose a bit of the size of the pizza because they're wrapping the crust around i still want the full length of slice okay and then the stuffed crust.

I want pineapple on it.

Yeah.

Like the proper, like canned doll pineapple.

Okay, I want it freshly cut, not getting fobbed off.

I want olives on it.

I want jalapenos.

And then I want not dominoes ham.

I want like proper nice parma ham that you'd have at like a fancy pizza restaurant on that.

It's like my version of that.

I want to optimizing the dominoes a bit there.

Well, you have to.

Yeah.

You simply must.

Do you do that at home?

Do you get a dominoes and then

pimp it out?

No, but I think it'll be better.

I just haven't done it before.

you know you don't you don't have to have done it

um and then i want the four tubs in one garlic and herb dip right but i'm not gonna like i'm not gonna select it when i'm selecting my food because i do that thing where you go check out now and it goes are you sure and you go yes and then it goes happens if we give it to you for atp and you're like i'll do it now because otherwise you're paying 199.

yep yep they are idiots like the amount of things you can get on discount later on um but if i'm doing a two for tuesday i'll get get that and i'll pretend i'm getting something from my housemate so i'll pretend i'm getting him like a nice mighty meaty or something yeah but then i'll eat it as well okay yeah

why

do you pretend because i would say in a very positive way yes you have a personality either is like i don't give a what you think but you feel sicky and i can't stop like i need to be physically removed from it like and it's diminishing returns dominoes like the first four slices are amazing and and then after that you're punishing yourself like physically Yeah, because the dough just I just mean why are you pretending because then I can trust myself and enjoy the first four slices more

I'm not looking at all of it you make yourself think I'm only gonna eat these yeah, I believe that I genuinely believe that some of it is for lunch the next day, yeah, but it's not

all alive.

Yeah, yeah.

Like I once put some dominoes in a bin.

So I was like all right i need to stop this yeah got it back out because it's just bing juice it's not the end of the world but i physically can't be around it without finishing it

and you both look up to

my bin it's my juice it's my bing juice not like putting it in someone else's bin no that's not the problem anyone's got no one has that problem no no no no one's thinking oh no is that someone else's bing juice yeah we know it's your binge juice well you look like you thought it was someone else's bing

juice

this is is the face I make when it's when it's any bing juice including your own that you're eating on a pizza.

But what is bing juice apart from just like a little bit of soap?

It's loads of different like

rotted at the bottom of your bin together in the bottom.

But I'm emptying my bin on the regs.

Like it's not it's not rotting.

Like I don't have like I'm not having a maggot party 24-7 am I?

I just think it's it's still chilling out.

You've just been in hospital in Oslo with gastric intestinal issues.

Yeah.

I have never known anyone to learn less from a situation.

But that was from the egg, we think.

So I'm not, I haven't put an egg in my...

Well, I did actually do it for another seven dates.

Yeah.

When you went back, you still did the egg bit.

Yeah, but that, then I was boiling it at home and transferring it in a lovely glass Tupperware surrounded by kitchen roll to the Soho Theater.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Smart.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Because we learn from our mistakes.

Yeah.

So you ate the pizza out of the bin.

I hate dominoes.

Why would you say it like that?

Why would you that just came out?

I feel like do you know what I feel like now I feel like whenever and this is in past relationships not with my current girlfriend, but whenever I've been out in town and we've gone past some really tough guys and one of them said something and then my girlfriend at the time has gone, yeah, you can go fuck yourself.

I'm like, right, now I'm getting beaten up.

And I feel like that with what Ed just did.

I feel like having a panic attack, calm down.

I feel like

this isn't between us.

This is between me and Ed.

I feel like we were out in the woods and then you went, I hate dominoes and now we're in trouble.

What the fuck?

What are you talking about?

It's nearly as bad as Papa John's.

Wow.

Wow.

That was mental.

That was absolutely mental.

Papa John's don't even have the same original tomato sauce at the base.

It's just bad.

It's bad fast food.

It's just not bad fast food and it's not that fast.

You can be up to 35 minutes on a Friday night.

And then you put pineapple on it as well.

One selling point that's got pineapples lovely.

I like pineapple on a pizza.

Yeah, it's really lovely.

To me, that's just like pissing on a shit.

But this is just clearly you don't know food.

You don't know food.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

I have a lot of respect for someone putting pineapple and pizza on their dream menu because i think anyone's done it yet i always think it's nice i'm glad it's happened papa john's definitely the bottom lung i would put dominoes above it there you go just i'm struggling to think pizza hut's minging no pizza hut it's minging

and also i don't trust pizza hut because they have an option on their website to remove garlic from the crust who's picking that as their option

i thank you i don't want to eat some people with that either people with ibs maybe don't trust them Don't trust them.

Well, you've definitely got it.

Do I?

I think in Norway, if you've got it.

Self-inflected via eggs.

Telling yourself that it all comes out like shit

constantly just to reassure yourself.

That was the problem.

I wasn't shitting, James.

You weren't shitting.

There was nothing going in.

Yeah, nothing going in, nothing coming out.

Just like when you wonka's chocolate factory.

No one goes in, no one comes out.

Yeah, you had a gloop stuck in your tube.

I had a fucking gloop stuck in my tube.

Like the plug loop.

You know, the gloop that gets the rest of the gloop out.

Yeah.

This is disgusting, but no, I've no one tell you what.

It's a food podcast, people get upset.

I'll tell you after that.

So you would put Pizza Hut below dominoes?

Yeah.

Ed?

I'd say, yeah, Papa John's bottom.

Yeah.

At the big name ones.

Yeah.

Then dominoes.

Yeah.

Then maybe I'll go Pizza Hut above that.

Unless I'm missing any.

Pizza Go-Go.

I'm not counting that.

That's one of the things that's not.

Why aren't you counting Pizza Gogo?

I didn't even know they existed anymore.

That's mad.

Pizza Go-Go, Pizza Hut, Papa John's, Domino's.

But like, there's the stretch

between Papa John's and Domino's.

Yeah, Pizza Hut's mingin'.

I don't trust it.

It's really bad.

Yeah, but Papa John's is like gross.

I just...

It's like the grossest.

That dip at Papa John's like melted margarine or something is horrible.

That is the special garlic sauce.

It's a good who you're talking to.

It is.

No, I'm actually with you.

That is minging.

It's minging.

The special, yeah.

Because you go into it thinking, oh, this will be like the garlic and herb dip.

Yeah.

They trick you.

But it's nothing like that.

It is, it's madness.

Tell you what, I like doing putting a bit of sriracha in the garlic and herb dip from Domino's.

Little spicy twists on a classic.

You know what I mean?

A little bit of a treat.

She's international.

I just think I'm not a fan of like, like very, very sweet American pizza.

Do you you know what I mean?

It's not sweet.

The dough is so sweet.

There's so much sugar in that dough, Helen.

Don't think so.

There's so much sugar in that dough.

Oh, is there actually a lot of sugar in it?

Yeah.

That'll be why I go mad after dominoes.

My housemate doesn't like it when I have dominoes.

Yeah, so you just want to lock on the door for me.

Very little he does like

this guy about his life.

I'm on an absolute rampage, just running up and down, scooting around in my bum like a dog.

Like, I don't know what I'm doing.

Like, really.

Did you even have the nerve to say there wasn't sugar in it earlier?

But it's the same reaction I have when I have prawn cocktail crisps.

Yeah.

Like, just mad.

Like,

I don't know what I'm saying.

I went, yeah.

What?

Like, just so overexcited.

Like, I want to touch everything.

Like, I don't know what to do with myself.

Everything's just like, just color.

Yeah.

Why do you both look shorter?

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So what's your dream side?

Fatouche.

Oh, nice.

I love fatouche.

You need like a salady thing to go with it.

Yeah.

To cut through it, don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, either Thai cucumber salad, because that is magical.

I had one recently with like a real big chunky bit of salt in it and it just put me off.

But fatouche, it's so fresh.

I love it.

Just a quick check.

Fatouche is the one that's got bread in it, right?

Yeah.

Okay, just keeping it.

bread.

I'm keeping a bread tally.

But it's not because of the bits of fried bread that's chopped up in it.

Fatouche is delicious.

Fatouche is delicious.

Yeah, delicious.

It's so good.

But I'm keeping a bread tally.

There's not been a single course of our bread yet.

Yeah.

Well, sparkling water doesn't have bread in it.

Oh, congratulations.

Or is that full of sugar and bread as well?

Look,

I love Fatouche salad.

Yeah, it's so fast.

It's so fresh.

Herby, fresh.

You get the crunch from the bread.

A bit of pomegranate seed on it, a little bit of a treat.

Yeah,

this is a bit of a sticking point in this podcast, the pomegranate pomegranate seed.

Oh, you hate pomegranate seeds?

I hate them.

They're like, well, Ed refers to them as baby's teeth.

They taste like you're crunching little baby's teeth in your mouth.

It's a little bit of tangy fun.

Bit of tangy fun.

My baby's favourite.

Not enough flavor in there for me.

You're not.

No, exactly.

And they put lemon on top of it and like the parsley and the mint.

Like so good.

I used to live in like, it's like called literally Stanbul, like area of Berlin, but there's so many Lebanese restaurants with like the best for touche.

And they just just pile it up in this like takeaway container, and I would just lose my mind.

The Lebanese and Turkish food in Berlin is like insanely good, isn't it?

Next level, the amount of Syrian restaurants as well.

And I was in like an area called Kreuzberg and like Neuken, where like all of that food is.

Oh my god, I was having a kebab a night for a while.

Yeah, losing my mind.

My sister lived in Kreuzberg for a bit.

No way.

Whenever I go and visit, it's just oh, kebabs all day.

So good.

What's your favourite kebab kebab there?

Like what's your go-to order?

I think it's like a chicken, just like a chicken

shawama, and then stick a bit of halloumi in there as well.

Stop it.

Yeah, the ones with the deep-fried leaf.

Yeah, yeah.

And you get all the different sauces.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Pile it up.

Big old picks.

Chili flakes, squeeze a lemon, wrap it up.

Pickled chili in there and all that.

Love it.

Love it.

Handle it.

I get the Durham Dunna wraps.

The ones that are like in the massive tortilla.

Or in the, what's it called?

The Lacherman?

The Turkish pizza?

Is that how you pronounce it?

Okay.

And that.

Oh, that's so good it's the way it melts in your mouth it's it's insane imagine if you pick that no but it's not a dominoes i thought about that it's not a dominoes no it's not no it's absolutely not put dominoes inside of a kebab though thing is let's have a chat yeah

when you talked about dominoes there was a lot of words you told regret when you talked about the kebab just then i mean the listeners didn't say it they heard it but at one point i think you genuinely pretended that someone was shagging you.

Well, it wasn't someone.

It was I was fucking the chair, actually.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'm not making sure, but yeah, but it just seems like you're more excited about the yeah, but do you want me to explain what happened?

Because I was thinking about this menu last night, and I can't think about dominoes and not order dominoes.

So, I'm currently on a dominoes downfall.

Did you order dominoes last night?

I had it last night and for breakfast.

Why you put your phone out?

Yeah.

Do you want to get that Pokemon?

Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

Can we do it now?

I thought we'd get last night.

Yeah, 110%.

I thought we were going to be doing that.

I'm so far through the podcast without talking about Pokemon Go.

Oh, Helen, Helen needs the Last American one that I got for her.

I'm so excited.

Got a chorkole.

Do you want anything special for me?

I don't know.

I know I'm not sure.

I don't have a single thing you want, really, Bower.

I'm fine.

So opening a gift from Bower, what she sent me.

Oh, an ultra ball.

You're welcome.

Two pineapple berries.

Peanuts.

And a max potion.

You're welcome.

Much appreciated.

Does it not send you any stardust?

Tiny's your buddy at the minute.

Oh, yeah, because you know, I'm trying to get everyone to be like my best buddy with CP boost.

So I'm on to like 70 at the moment, but I do want to get to the full hundred because then you you get the extra like tokens to fast.

Power is more driven by CP, whereas I'm more driven by a dex.

That's combat power between you and me.

Yeah.

You put me and James in a fight.

There you go.

I will be winning.

Oh my God.

It's happening.

The balls are trading now.

God bless you.

God bless you.

I've got a new Pokemon, guys.

Are you happy for me?

News.

Why are you in the middle of the night?

Why do you look so upside down?

New in the decks.

Registered to Pokedex.

You know that whenever I'm abroad, I'm going to be catching regionals for you.

So don't you worry about not travelling because I'm catching those regions.

I'm going to Disney World, so I can get more.

All the Disney ones I caught when I was in Disney World for you.

But don't you believe the new year might bring us new Pokemon from the Aloha region?

I live with hope.

I live with loads of hope for the Aloha region.

I'm not even close to doing it.

Yeah, yeah.

Not even close.

And I'm not going to like, you know, South America.

I'm going Florida.

Well, it's only getting started with the Aloha.

And I think that's no secret.

But like, there's always something magical on that.

Like, do you remember when we found out the clefki you could get in Brighton because there was a fault that made it think you were in France?

Yeah, very good day.

Like, that could happen at any point with anywhere in the country.

We've just got to be prepared to travel.

Ed, what are you doing?

Don't start vaping.

Either join in.

Hang on.

Let's give Benito an edit point.

There you go.

Right.

Side dish.

Fatouche.

Fatouche.

Let's talk more about the fatouche.

I will find the name of the restaurant.

My best friend in Berlin is from Lebanon, and there is an amazing place that does fatouche, and I will get it to you if you go to Kreitzberg.

Fantastic.

Don't use that edit point, Benito.

Sorry.

I feel like I've become a virgin by proxy after that conversation.

That was absolutely insane.

We both had sex.

I fucked up with the sex.

You're not with each other.

No, not with each other.

No.

Pokemon trading.

That's what Pokemon trading is.

Yeah, it's a whole lot of fun.

Yeah, but I'm a very good trainer.

I'm a legacy player.

Like, I'm...

I don't know what any of this means.

But, like, I do play Pokemon Go with James and the crew, but I've also got over 200 friends on it.

They're not friends, Helen.

I'm getting up at three most mornings to raid with some teenagers in Hiroshima.

How are they not friends if I'm setting my alarm for 3 a.m.?

That's creepy as hell.

It's not!

You're getting up at 3 to groom some teenagers in Hiroshima.

We're not grooming them.

We're raiding.

We're battling to the death.

Yeah.

Friends are whoever I choose them to be.

Who you choose?

That's very, that's a real insight into your life, Helen.

They're who you choose them to be.

Yeah.

So we're best friends, the three of us.

Yes.

Yeah.

A dream drink.

Dream drink.

I do want to go with something alcoholic, but because of the dominoes I'm gonna go diet coke it's a classic fair enough and when you drink it you lose weight no booze not booze for the dream drink I do I love booze and like my instinct is to go for like a bottle of wine and like a couple of fags with it like that would be like my ideal

drink oh yeah stop it finishing a meal and then having a bottle of wine and like four fags and a good conversation

but I need to cut through the grease somehow

with a nice clean diet coke

well fizzy fizzy drinks cut through cleaning.

I know exactly what you mean.

Really do.

Yeah.

I can't put a milkshake on top of that.

Burps.

Burps.

Burps help clear room.

Yeah, yeah.

Like when I was at university, me and my friend, there was a takeaway down the road from us that did an 18-inch pizza.

And one night we both got an 18-inch pizza.

And then we went through about four cans of Diet Coke just to clear it.

Do you know what?

I've probably mentioned this on the podcast.

I had pepperoni on my 18-incher.

Okay.

I've mentioned this.

Guess what?

He only had one topping.

Obviously, he had cheese and tomato.

Yeah, yeah.

He only had one topping on his pizza.

Guess what it was?

Pineapple?

No.

Ham?

No.

Olives?

No.

Sausage.

No, you're never going to get this one.

18-inch pizza.

Baked beans.

Come on.

That's mad.

Yeah.

Was he at your wedding?

Did I meet him?

No, no, no.

We were best friends at university.

And when we graduated, he said, I'm not very good at keeping in touch.

I went, fair enough.

And that's the last day I saw him.

No!

And he knew at that age, he knew that he wasn't.

Yeah, he knew.

He was like, you know, I'm not going to be able to keep this going.

Yeah.

That feels something like a a 50-year-old say.

Like, not a child.

Yeah, yeah, he had 50-year-old energy.

Let's do the ranking, as we always do when people say Diet Coke.

So, Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Max.

Oh, my God.

Diet Coke at the top from the fountain, obviously.

Okay.

Then can, then bottle last.

Yeah.

I'd say then...

Fountain first.

Fountain first or bottle.

I think I might...

Well, it depends where the fountain is from, but a good fountain, I would take over a can or a bottle.

Always assume good fountain, never assume bad fountain.

Yeah, yeah, no, never.

We wouldn't assume bad fantasy.

But if someone said to me, if someone said to me, there's a fountain there, a can and a bottle, and that's all I knew, I would go can because I wouldn't trust that the fountain is definitely going to be good.

If they said this is a good fountain, it's a good fountain.

A good fountain, can or bottle.

I'd go for a good fountain.

I'd go can still.

Really?

Yeah.

Unless it was a freestyle machine, but then I'm not having Diet Coke.

I'm mixing it all up.

Those machines are mental.

They're brilliant, aren't they?

It's too much.

It's is the problem with society today.

Oh, do you think

there's too much choice?

I can't be faced with that because then I'll just start losing it.

And that's how you end up picking Dominoes as your main course.

It's overwhelmed by the options of the world.

Like, I need to be restricted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then probably Diet Pepsi, then Coke Zero.

I don't like the full fat Fizzy drinks.

Well, Pepsi Max isn't full fat.

It feels like it in my head.

Like, I don't know what, I just didn't grow up with fizzy drinks at all.

We never had it.

And we had like skimmed milk in our house.

Like, we were like, everything was watered.

Yeah.

So like, I just, the idea of it makes me feel like, just so unhealthy.

Maybe the word max makes me feel like I'm like.

I'd rather have the fags and the wine.

I just don't think I want that many bubbles without sugar in it.

No, thank you.

Well, I think we could let you have a Diet Coke and then some booze as well, right?

Can I?

Yeah.

You want?

A bottle of wine?

Yeah, a Diet Coke and then a bottle of wine.

A bottle of wine at the end of the meal, you said, with some fags.

I think I do want to be a bit drunk the entire meal.

I'll be...

Give me a bottle before the

bottle of wine to start with.

Yeah.

And then I'll eat.

Yeah, because I'll be loose enough that everything feels like

any particular wine?

Spanish red, like a Rioca.

Nice.

Like one of those.

Really lovely.

Yeah.

And like, fags-wise, Golden Virginia.

Rollies, you're doing rollies.

Yeah, I'm doing rollies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want someone to roll for them for me next to me.

Okay, who do you want to roll?

My friend Francis.

Yeah, Francis rolls really well.

We'll get Francis in to roll your six.

Thank you, Francis.

Little update on my Diet Coke situation.

uh oh i know this story well no well it's a good story but uh oh okay but also just like you know for a while it was just diet coke yeah and then i switched to uh the diet pepsis and that was a big thing on the pod and then um i also switched uh then to coke zero yeah nowadays i i can change from one hour to the next which one's my favorite and a lot of the time if i've just had a diet coke for example the next time i'll actually want like something different like a diet pepsi and then the next time after that i'll probably want a coke zero so i like to change it up quite a lot now pepsi max as well gets a look in fairly on regular rotation you thought about this too much it's now all four of them just i'm just noticing my drinking habits you know i think that's a good thing to do you've got to keep a tab on these things yeah i'm pepsi max with cherry until i die yeah i like i like pepsi max with cherry you didn't blink when you said that no i love it

dessert dessert

here we are oh another really good james knows he doesn't have to worry about cheese boards in this situation i think

oh you don't have to worry Yeah, I don't actually get cheese boards full stop.

Like, cheddar cheese exists.

Leave it.

Who are we showing off to?

Who are we showing off to?

Yeah, who we showing off.

Like, moldy, goats and cheese is rank.

Leave the goats alone.

And I'll stand by that to the day I die.

Yeah.

Like, yeah.

So you think Stilton, moldy, horrible?

Don't get it.

But you eat pizza out of a bin.

Yeah.

But that's my juice.

It's not my mold.

It's different.

Right.

If I grew

mold, I'll eat it.

I'm not going to be a bitch about it, am I?

Like, if it's my mold, I'll eat my mould.

I created it.

Probably ate your own tit mold in Edinburgh.

What's tip mold?

What's tit mold when it's at the bottom?

You should know, you've got it.

The worst thing is my first instinct is like, I should really look under my tits at some point.

I've got massive knockers.

I don't know what's going on under there.

Who's checking?

Who's checking?

Who's checking?

You should be washing their stuff.

Washing underneath them.

Who's got the energy to lift?

But I've got like three.

You must be washing under them.

Well, I do the three F's.

What are the three F's?

Face, Fanny, and Feet.

But you're not, there must be other metals in between that you need to deal with.

In that order?

No.

Oh, you go to the feet after the face, feet, fanny.

Is that wrong?

Yeah, tuck your feet up.

Yeah, face.

I don't want

to vaginal feet.

You don't want vaginal feet, but you don't mind having a footy voucher.

I would say

face, fanny, feet is the way vouchers should do it, actually.

Well, those are the spots you have to hit.

Yeah.

And in fanny, I am including asshole.

Like, I'm not.

I'm not like.

So you're going to be getting that fanny.

UK and US fanny.

What's a US fanny pack?

Well, that's what they call it.

Oh, really?

Oh, the fanny pack.

I thought that's because it was over that fanny because you wear it at the front.

No,

when they say fanny.

Because we call it a bum bag, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's fanny pack, so it's the same as a bum bag.

Fanny is the...

Fascinating.

They don't call it a fanny pack because they're using it to cover their fanny.

Oh.

I thought it was like, oh, like, they're on the period, turn it to the front.

It's like no one can see.

What are you?

Like, it was like a period stain, and that's how it like sort of came about.

And then everyone was like, oh, this is a great idea for a bag.

Helen, anyone else I would think was joking about this?

No, but do you know what I mean?

Like, I was like, well, yeah, I know what you mean, but like, how do you think that's the truth?

Well, you never know, do you?

You never know the origin of things.

So what about when you see a man wearing a bum bag?

That he just copied it off a woman because he thought it looked nice.

And then it just sort of became something that we all do.

Heidi regan's calling i bet she'd back me up i'm not gonna watch her just so you know

answer it ask her but ask her that question immediately heidi yeah i'm on a podcast did you say hi to ed and james yes hello hello um hi heidi um hi um so wait do you mean you're on um off menu yeah but we're in a fight

so basically

are you surprised are you surprised to hear that heidi we're having a fight are you surprised that i'm in a fight no not in any way possible well that was bitchy babe surprised that you answered I'm not surprised that you answered your phone mid-fight I asked ask a question

no I want to ask you something about um fanny packs oh yeah okay so

how do you think the fanny pack came into existence do you think a it's because Americans call bums fannies Or do you think B, it's because someone bled through their outfit when they were on their period and they were like, oh my God, put this pack over it.

We'll call it a family pack, we'll make it a fashion statement, so they wouldn't feel embarrassed.

Bonus question, Heidi.

Guess who came up with each fear?

What, babe?

Oh, I said, I think they would have called that a period pack, then.

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna hang up.

I'll call you later.

Bye.

Hang up.

Yeah, love that, Heidi.

Completely used to it.

You?

Yeah.

Just like completely.

Of course, yeah.

Of course, you picked up a phone during a podcast.

Of course, you have a good follow-up.

Well, it's nice to have a chat, isn't it?

I don't want to be rude to have Heidi.

I'm fine being rude to the two of you.

Could you just have your dessert no so can I please have I want a warm muffin

how are you warming it up microwavey oh fashion of the oven don't give away the end of your next show

what type of muffin chocolate chip yep yeah chocolate chippy muffin and i want that warm and then i want ice cream in it but i want like proper nice gelato from somewhere in croatia i went called split and it's opposite a shop called ruth's i actually screenshotted the name of this place because it is so delicious.

And you know, when you're like, oh, I found the most delicious ice cream in the world.

And me and my friend Francis went there like three times.

And then Stanley Tucci went there in his like traveling Italy show.

And I was like, I knew I was fucking right.

It's called Sladole, Danica, and Miliana.

And it is insane.

And I want the pistachio ice cream and hazelnut ice cream.

And I want that on top of the muffin.

And I want to leave it for a bit and have it melted in.

And then I want a crushed up Maltiza's bunny on top.

Obviously

this is your invention.

Yes, but it's based off

what was a BB Muffins staple.

Do you remember BB Muffins?

That chain?

Yeah, I do remember.

And they would do muffins, but then you could have a muffin Sunday and they'd like...

use a takeaway cup for a milkshake.

They'd smash a muffin into it, put ice cream in it, and then put the muffin top in it and it'd all like melt down.

You'd have a spoon and it was just the best thing of all time.

That does sound nice.

It was the best thing you could get in my hometown.

Like that was the treat.

A baby market.

Fleet.

Fleet.

Service station.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Behind the burger.

It's not the first time we've spoken about fleet services on the podcast.

You spoke about fleet before.

Yeah, we talked about fleet services with Andy Oliver about the bridge in between the Scott Mills Bridge.

Yeah, yeah, we got the book.

Thank you very much.

It's called Scott Mills Bridge.

Yeah.

Officially it's called Scott Mills Bridge.

Yeah.

It's amazing, isn't it?

But that's my dream to say.

Let's talk about your Maltese bunny before we go.

Yeah, obviously talk about the Maltese.

You've not chosen Maltesers.

You've not chosen the little teasers you chose them quite specifically a maltese bunny it's the right ratio of chocolate and balls of malt it's significantly the malteza is great but the chocolate is lacking and the average maltizer it's just off whereas the ratio of that it's it's a whole different yeah it's a whole different thing more chocolate less teas thank you i think more chocolate less teas i'm speaking like helen now she's absolutely done

she's ground me down

you're a little frowned

muffy ice creamy delighty chocky muffy Ice Creamy Delighty.

Chucky Muffy.

I creamy.

Chickeny delighty.

Yes, please.

Well, is that what it's called?

Chucky Muffy.

It is now.

Chucky Muffy.

It's like an eggy titty, but for dessert.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

We should manufacture it.

I want a sparkler on the top of it.

I just suddenly thought.

Sorry, can I have like, can I, can it be like, can it be like a treat?

Like, I want it to be like, this is a dream restaurant, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, you got a spot.

Can I have like a sparkler on the top of it?

And maybe a song from the wait staff, please.

What song do you want?

Candle in the Wind, 1997 version.

waiter please goodbye english roll

oh doggy we are here now and i'm not chocolate factory i miss you

princess diana and marilyn muggle

you will be forever in my heart

and i miss the queen touching thank you so much so touching read your menu back to you now see how you feel about it thank you you would like medium sparkling grosssteiner yeah from Germany.

Pop numbs or bread, you would like flardenbrot with melted butter.

Why not?

Yeah.

Out of a draft pump.

Yeah.

Starter, prawn puree.

Main course, dominoes, large stuffed crust with pineapple, olives, jalapenos, palma ham, not from dominoes, and garlic and herb dip.

Oh my gosh.

Side dish, fatouche.

Drink, diet coke from the fountain.

Dessert, warm chocolate.

Oh, sorry.

You would like muffy,

chocolate, chocolate.

Chocolate muffy delighty.

treaty.

Yes.

Coshmo teas and bunny on the top of it.

Warm choc chip muffin with pistachio and hazelnut ice cream.

Pistachi and hazelnut tea.

Spark.

Yeah.

And then at the end of all of it, a spark on the top.

At the end of all of it, you want a bottle of Rioca with four rolled cigarettes by your friend Francis.

Yes, please.

How good is that menu?

I was worried when I was thinking about that.

So you have good that menu is?

A 10 out of 10.

There'll be a lot of people going, that seems like a good fun gal.

Here's what I'd have.

Braun Pourri for touche, bottle of wine, four fags.

Yeah.

Are you serious?

That's not bad.

That's not bad.

What's wrong with the dessert?

That's adorable.

Yeah, the dessert.

Yeah, the dessert's pretty nice.

Honestly, lads, I've absolutely smashed that.

I don't want to be like, oh my God, I'm amazing.

But like, well done, me, eh?

It's been a pleasure having you on.

Benito also looks like he's been in the trenches after that.

Oh, Benito is absolutely.

He got me.

Yeah.

I genuinely jumped there.

That's revenge.

Pop and

Actually, made me jump on the podcast.

Helen, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much for having me.

Well, there we are.

Helen Bauer.

Whoa, mama.

Whoa, mama.

That's what you want from an interview with Helen Bauer to be absolutely battered into oblivion.

If you don't know Helen Bauer, by the end of that episode, you will never know her.

So everything she says has about five things that i want to follow up on yep but we can't we can't we didn't chase all of those leads it's impossible to it's impossible we had to talk about what helen wants to talk about and joe well i was happy to i wanted to delve more into the past lives thing sure there was that i mean there was a there was a great number of things i still don't fully understand why there was an egg in her breasts i think it's something in her show she probably it's probably a callback at the end of the show

we don't know we don't know really we know it was in her show we don't know why but we only found out it was in her show after some pretty heavy questions yeah we had to drill down to that yeah first place and we talked about pokemon but which is kind of quite cheeky of me really to bring up pokemon go because that could have made her think oh actually i'd love to eat a golden raspberry one day yeah but she didn't say golden raspberry no but pineapp berries were mentioned they were in the gift bundle that she'd sent me yeah because i don't know

we'll make the edit because um whatever you heard listeners the conversation about pokemon go was very long no that was it was cool i think and i think think that a lot of people will enjoy hearing it.

Well, I was staying silent because I was like, I'll pick my moment and then I'm going to say something funny.

And then it went on so long that there was absolutely no moment for me to say that.

Well, I don't think it's our fault that you were unable to find a moment to be funny in it.

I mean, or that Bonito zoned out.

You know, that sounds like both of you not doing your jobs.

We were doing our jobs very well as Pokemon trainers.

Well, no, you weren't doing your job well because this is a comedy food podcast.

And what you were saying was not about food and not funny.

I'm spinning a lot of plates.

So, you know, I wear a lot of hats.

And at that point, I was wearing two hats.

Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, she didn't say Golden Raspberry.

That's the main thing.

She didn't say Golden Raspberry.

No.

You can listen to Helen's podcast, Trusty Hogs.

You should listen to Helen's podcast, Trusty Hogs.

And also go and see Helen.

Do any live gig.

If it's, if she's on a mixed spill, doing her own solo show, you've got to go and see Helen Bauer.

Check out her website.

Look at her on social media.

Follow her on social media.

Well, look her up on social media.

Follow follow her on social media yeah but look at her i guess that's what instagram is isn't it yeah no one's stopping you from doing that i guess on instagram yeah it's not against the rules also there was some absolutely disgusting stuff on that episode so i'll be interested to hear what benito leaves in yeah it's going to be quite interesting if you're getting to this bit now and you're thinking there wasn't anything disgusting then you know that he cut it all out yeah because some sometimes i looked over at benito during that and he looked absolutely gutted yeah yeah he he was unhappy looked like he was going to cry yeah but thank you very much to helen for coming on.

I absolutely loved that episode.

Yes, thank you, Helen.

Absolutely loved that episode.

And we will see you listeners next week.

See you later.

We won't see you unless I look you up on social media.

We're not going to see you.

No.

You'll hear us.

We won't hear you.

No.

That would be what an awful way of doing a podcast that would be.

If we heard them and as well as them hearing us.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wouldn't like that.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.