Ep 188: Alex Jones

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, Boiling the Water of Conversation, pouring in the pasta of humor, waiting 10 minutes, then taking out the pasta of humor and chucking it at the wall to see if it's cooked.

Put a bit of salt in the water, maybe?

Bit of salt in the water.

Not olive oil.

I've heard that's a myth.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Don't believe the myth.

Don't believe the myth.

Don't believe the hype.

That said, gamble there.

My name is James Edcaster.

We own a dream restaurant and we invite in a guest every single week and ask them their start and main course dessert, side dish and drink.

Dream style, not in that order.

And this week.

Dreamstyle.

Well, I realized that normally I'd say we ask them their favourite and I missed out the word favourite.

So I thought I would make sure people know we're not just asking them about anything their start main

it is their dream it's dream style yeah and this week I guess is

Alex Jones Alex Jones a wonderful broadcaster TV presenter host of the one show James the one show

if you are listening from abroad and don't know what the one show is it's a British institution the I mean it's the the first show that's ever but was ever on TV is that correct yeah it's the only show on TV it's the only show on tv uh we've both had the privilege of being on it and uh being interviewed about you know often it's people you know promote it plug in their wares yes but uh but it's it's a plethora a plethora and then like little uh sort of uh ins filmed inserts yeah yeah yeah it's a magazine show it's a daily it's a daily magazine show picking up a magazine but you know not reading it yeah a magazine show is a term so that's why i'm using it you don't need to describe why it's a term a magazine show is a term for a television show.

You don't need to then say it's like picking up a magazine, but not reading it.

But it's confusing because there are magazines that are about TV.

Yeah, there's magazines that you put in guns as well, but everyone knows from the context what I'm talking about.

I didn't know that.

Now I'm going to

think about that now.

Stop thinking about it.

Okay.

Also, listen, we love Alex Jones and we love the magazine show that is the one show.

But if Alex Jones has a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

Those are the rules.

And this week, the secret ingredient is one tons.

One tons.

One tons.

One show tons.

One tons.

I'm just going to say, I've had a few people come up to me recently and say, we've really run out of steam with this secret ingredient thing.

Yeah, I think that's made it better.

Yes.

I think that it was probably an unnecessary format point for us to put in there originally.

I think it really paid off when we eventually did kick someone out of the dream restaurant.

I think it will pay off again whenever someone does it again.

If Alex Jones picks one, one tons.

Yeah.

So if that happens,

people will love it when it happens every time.

But until then, it is now like really hard to think of the secret ingredient.

And I enjoy it more how bad it is.

And that is one tons because she presents the one show.

Yeah.

And it's a one, sounds like one.

Let me tell you, the lady who runs the barbershop that we go to does not agree.

Yes.

Yes.

She's had such a goat at me about lighter fluid.

Oh, she might have bought that up to me, actually.

Oh, I was in there just last time.

Emma does not like the lighter fluid secret ingredient.

Well, she thought that because they're not going to pick it.

Yeah.

Of course, they're not going to pick it.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you know.

But imagine if they do, it's even more exciting then.

Yeah, and also sometimes it relates to the person you work, right?

So it's Richard Lee Grant.

Lighter fluid in the future.

Maybe he did get into it as a result, you know, you don't know.

But still, great haircuts in there.

So you'll take a bit a bit of being harangued.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm wearing a cap today, but that don't

let that reflect.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not.

James has had his haircut like a monk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I asked for the monk cut every time I go in.

Give me the monk, please.

But hopefully, Alex will not be saying one tons.

Hopefully, not.

But, you know, a bit of fun if she does get to kick someone out again.

Yes.

So, this is the off-menu menu of Alex Jones.

Welcome, Alex, to the Dream Restaurant.

I am so pleased to be here.

And also,

yeah, mind blown.

Welcome, Alex Jones, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Here we are.

Well, I can't believe I'm here because

I love this restaurant.

In fact, it's the first restaurant I've been to, I think, since the pandemic, to be honest.

That's exciting.

This is great.

We don't need outdoor seating or anything.

We're back in normal, normal restaurant settings.

That's good.

No QR code in the dream restaurant i mean i and i hate talking about the pandemic but you know sort of social life stopped and then i forgot to go to a restaurant after that you didn't do eat out to help out

remember that

what was that what was that now

back then just uh uh yeah not he wasn't prime minister then this is the early days this is like a deep cut he was the uh oh i remember when you had the money off yeah yeah yeah we did that we did a bit of that as a minister for wagamamas back then yeah he was like you all need to come on guys you all need to get out there and get in the restaurants again.

But, like, you know, at the time, we were a bit unsure as to whether it was too early or not.

Yeah, it was.

It was, it turned out too early.

Yeah, it was too early to tell people to all go to the restaurants.

But no, I'm really pleased to be here.

That's interesting.

I listen a lot to this podcast.

I'm a big fan of this restaurant.

I didn't think I'd be get on the guest list, to be honest.

Come off it.

Come on.

What are you?

What are you, Heiser Kite?

You're on.

I wish

you're on our TV screens probably more than more than anyone else, right?

Right?

Probably.

Probably, probably.

I mean, it is a five-day week jobby, isn't it?

Yeah, I am.

But I just, you know, you've got all these people who really know stuff about food.

And I was like, I like food, but God, I don't know.

Yeah, but come on.

I thought you had to be a proper foodie to be on this.

When you're hosting the one show and you've got everyone on there plugging their wares, are you always sat there going, They are definitely qualified for

surely you're looking at some of your guests going.

Well, I mean, between us, 80% of the time I'm like

it is incredible though because when I when I came on the one show you can have a chat with you a completely normal chat and then you'll sort of go all right and then literally just turn to the camera and then be live to millions of people yeah it's that it's that quick it's like anything isn't it you get used to it i suppose i wouldn't get used to that i don't think but it's like you know it's such a it feels like we're just in somebody's well in our lounge so it doesn't feel like it's a stressful situation unless i did feel like i was just in a lounge with Alex Jones, Ronan Keating, and Martin Freeman on the screen.

Yes.

When I was on it,

Jermaine, yourself, Ainsley Harriet and Grace Dent.

There you go.

That's a good so far.

During the first week, was it stressful, though?

When you were just getting used to it, was it like, this is insane that I've got to just, because also it's over in the blink of an eye.

I couldn't believe how quickly it was like.

oh, and now the show's.

So you just have to blast through it.

You've got so many points to hit.

Yeah.

One story to the next.

I'm going to give you an insight into the first show I ever did.

Yeah.

Okay.

Picture the scene.

2010.

Pretty nervous because there was this big build-up to it.

And

our guest was done, done, done, Whoopi Goldberg.

Oh, my God.

Holy moly.

So, you know, start big.

Yeah.

And that was fine.

And she was in Sister Act and I'd seen Sister Act so we could chat away.

And she was absolutely lovely.

Everything you want Whoopi Goldberg to be even nicer than she is in Ghost.

Yeah.

Right.

Oh, wow and she's lovely in ghost yeah

but

we had a film and we call them films sometimes people look at me like we've got two heads because they're like that's not a film that's not a movie i'm like no you know but it's a vt right yeah and we had a vt on beavers

this is day one yeah

And so I repeatedly had to say the word beavers, which Whoopi Goldberg thought was absolutely hysterical and could not control herself.

And I was like, oh my God, be professional.

I was thinking about all the sad things.

I was pinching my wrists really hard, thinking of dead cat.

Okay, really sad things.

Maybe I'll die of cancer.

Maybe all of this.

And I go through the gamut of sad things to stop myself laughing because this is my first show.

I can't mess it up because Whoopi Goldberg finds the word beavers funny.

Anyway, we got through it.

As you said, it's super quick.

And we did get to the end unscathed.

12 years later, I'm still there.

So it was on.

Wow.

Has Whoopi been back on?

Yeah.

And we always talk about that.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

She still remembers that.

She came in and she went, how's your beaver?

I was like, fine, how's yours?

Really?

That's nice having in-joke with Whoopi Goldberg.

I know.

Cool, eh?

Because you do have to keep that sort of level of control because it is so quick.

Like, you can't be like pissing yourself laughing with the person because you've got to get on to the next thing.

But, you know, you, I mean, like any live situation, I mean, you can't, you just can't help laughing sometimes.

And I'm one of those that laugh at the wrong time a lot of the time, you know.

Yeah.

Funerals, you you know sad sad settings you know but sometimes just something will tickle you and it happens a lot on the sofa especially with the i mean the one show is famous for its uh quick changes of tone as well yes i'm thinking the the mel brooks clip which i think is the funniest thing it's ever happened we loved mel brooks so funny

this show is nuts

I know Mel Brooks didn't, you know, he didn't hold back.

He said as it is, and we loved him for it.

We were like, yeah, Mel, you're 100% spot on.

But you're there going, all right, guys, you have to calm down now because we do have to go to this quite sad

sad thing.

I think it's changed a bit.

It was quite,

we call it a gear change.

Oh, my God.

I feel like Alan Partridge just saying the word.

We call it a gear change.

And it's when, you know, you change topics.

And we had a lot of them back in the early days.

Those corners have been smoothed somewhat.

We've talked before on the podcast about our favorite one-show moments.

I can't remember who we were chatting to, but it came up.

Did it?

We mentioned the Mel Brooks thing.

We mentioned Adrian Charles calling Judy Dench

James Dudy.

Oh,

I always say James Judy Dench, because if you set, right, so everybody now, right, let's try it.

Dame Judy Dench.

Dame Judy Dench.

Okay, but now no, but imagine you're under a lot of pressure, you're nervous, you're reading an autocue, go.

Dame Judy Dench.

Jane Judy Dench.

Yeah.

See?

Dame Judy Dench.

James Judy Dench.

But James Judy Densch knows this is the case and doesn't expect any better these days.

Yeah, so it's fine.

He did apologise for what he said.

Sorry that I called you James Dudy earlier.

I know.

I've called, honestly, I called

Brian Ferry.

Do you know Brian Ferry?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So I said, please welcome Fryan Berry.

Fry and Berry.

It's just you can't, you know, you can't control what comes out when you're live sometimes.

And I think that's, you know, that's why I love the show because it's so warm.

Nobody really minds.

It's like, oh, fine.

Yeah.

Just get on with it.

Onto the next thing.

what about when and we don't have to put this in the pod if you don't want to but I might never get the opportunity to ask you about it when Matt Baker absolutely went for David Cameron and said how do you sleep well see okay so nobody's really asked me about that before

and I think genuinely think knowing Matt really well that he didn't mean it

to be a question about

you know he I don't think he meant it how do you sleep because you know you've got all this terrible stuff going going on in your mind.

I think he meant, because you're so busy, just how do you sleep?

You're running a country.

How do you sleep?

And I think Matt ran with it because it was a bit cooler the other version.

And I just, I think he ran with it.

But who knows what was in his brain at that time?

Who knows?

But they got t-shirts printed at work with that question on the back.

Oh, great.

Absolutely.

Loved it.

How do you sleep at night?

And then what about when the cookie monster wore a poppy?

Well, I didn't even know how they were going to pin it on, to be fair, without hurting him.

Because, Because, you know, I mean, that's not an outfit he's wearing.

That's his body.

That's his body.

They were actually stabbing the cookie monster through his blue fur.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Poor guy.

All sorts of questions.

But that's how much he, you know, he loves.

Yeah, he really.

That's how much he loves the one show.

He's like, I'm going to take this stab through my body.

He's going to do it.

To put a poppy on.

Not to upset British.

Do you like cookies?

We're getting onto food.

You take me into the cinnamon bun today, if you don't mind me sharing that with everyone.

That's absolutely fine.

And I did offer you some, but I've mauled it, so it doesn't look very appealing now.

Cookies, I think, oh, this is controversial.

I think cookies are overrated.

Interesting.

That is a big swing, actually.

Why?

Before sometimes they taste

too doughy.

So you say you don't like the soft ones when people make them really soft.

Not really.

But what about the chewy one?

Well, if you're going to go down that route of having a biscuit, I think there are better options.

that's what i'd say top three biscuits okay

controversially um i'd go for a good dunk digestive yeah yeah because it's solid is that number one i think it is number one

wow i'd love that okay but i also like rich tea which is the opposite and flaky i don't like custard creams we'll probably get onto custard later okay

everybody loves them i hate them

um but the other biscuit i like would probably be

uh i like a hobnob

again for the robustness this is this is murder alex

these are i mean but actually i'm very glad we asked top three because that that is very revealing digestive rich tea hobnob

yeah some some people are going to be absolutely fuffing at the mouth these why that's a very plain list i'd say well okay we'll add shortbread in just as plain

you just got plain are you joking no but but again you've got to think of a dunk yeah i mean okay if you're eating a biscuit on his own but who does that where's the joy well I'm rarely dunking, I would say.

Yeah, yeah.

This is like...

Sorry?

I'm rarely dunking.

I can't remember the last time I dunked.

But the whole point of a biscuit is as an accompaniment to a cup of tea.

No way.

Absolutely.

I mean, we're living in a Peter K routine here.

But no,

I don't think so.

That's nice, though.

I think it's very wholesome.

I think you'll find if you went to like a biscuit factory, and there are many in the North East.

Well, I don't know why I said the North East, but there are many all all over Britain.

Just in the northeast.

But I think they will tell you that with a cup of tea, a biscuit comes into its own.

So if it's not a dunker, what do you think?

You'll go to a biscuit factory and ask them that.

Yeah.

Because the biscuit factory is exactly above the tea factory.

Yeah.

It feels like they're biased, doesn't it?

No, but I think they're in cahoots.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're definitely in cahoots.

Yeah.

They're phoning each other.

That's well, that's very interesting.

I mean, that's good.

I mean, that's good to know.

Robustness is at the top of your list for qualities you like in a biscuit.

To be dunkable.

I don't like.

I like a biscuit and a tea and eating them together, but I don't want the biscuit in the tea because that leads to a whole horrible situation where you then have to throw the tea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you haven't had anything.

You've only had half a biscuit and half the tea.

All I can think about is that I haven't thought about this Peter K routine for years.

Well, Peter K routine, are you talking about it?

It's a classic from his classic show that you're talking about.

Oh, he's got a biscuit routine.

About dunking biscuits.

And he says rich tea.

They just break off.

And he says when a biscuit breaks and and it goes in slow motion and he does the whole act of

but if you're doing a rich tea you've got to be in there quick you've got to act quickly yeah would you ever would you have a stack rich tea three rich tea dunked at the same time

you're the one talking about robustness yeah you know this is science important to you one at a time one at a time one dunk and then in right you're not you're not one dunk in yeah yeah but with a digestive you can take a breath yeah yeah with a hobnob you can take a breath With a rich tea, you've got to go quicker.

Okay, here's a question then about dunking.

Um, we really should get onto your menu, but I do have to drill into this.

I can handle the digestive dunking thing.

Yep, take a breath.

One dunk for the rich tea.

Hobnob,

I would say if you take a breath there, it's going to start flaking.

It is.

It's got

your chip falls in.

The psoriasis of the biscuit world.

I would say hobnob.

Oh, that's put me off.

It is going to flake.

Wow.

Now I don't like hobnobs anymore.

The psoriasis of the biscuit was.

Yeah, I'd say, you know, it's not holding it.

Yeah, if you don't want biscuits.

James can tell you what has the most psoriasis in any of the cuisines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure I want to know because you've just put me off biscuits for a start.

Croissant?

Of course it's the croissant.

It's the normal croissant.

Croissant.

Yeah, yeah.

We should get onto your menu and pop this otherwise.

We're just going to talk about biscuits for ages, which is.

We will check whether you could dunk any of your choices, though.

Everything we'll be doing the dunk test on we'll be doing a dunk test okay i think some of them would get messy but go on we'll see

still sparkling water oh well you see

i'd go still controversially because if i'm in a restaurant i don't want water at all at all if i'm out i want a proper drink and water's just there to be polite and with fizzy water i used to think Peria water and there are other brands available that do fizzy, but I used to think they were the absolute devil when I was growing up.

It's just such a funny taste.

If you really taste it, because what you're expecting is lemonade and it's not.

Oh, so you were tricked early on by Fizzy Water.

I mean, these days, I like it.

And when I was pregnant, so you can't drink, and you're pregnant for a long time because I have three children, I drank a lot of sparkly water,

which apparently is bad for your teeth.

Yeah.

The enamel.

But, you know, it gives you a, I don't know, it gives you a sense of celebration if you're in a restaurant and you can't have anything more exciting.

It's fine to drink fizzy fizzy water when you're pregnant, though, right?

You don't

have fizzy kids.

No, you don't have fizzy kids.

Well, maybe we did, actually.

Thinking about it.

Maybe that's what's happened.

Think about the kids.

How busy are they?

The kids.

Yeah.

Oh, the middle one is flipping eck off the charts, Fizz.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's like a bottle of champagne that's been in the fridge upside down and then you open it.

That's what he's like.

Okay.

You don't know, do you?

You don't know how fizzy the kid's going to be until it's.

You don't.

You don't.

But I think it's a thing, you know, fizzy water, I think it's like olives.

Nobody likes fizzy water or olives as a child.

Yes.

Apart from my children who do like olives, and that's because they've grown up.

I loved olives as a child.

Where did you grow up?

London.

Interesting.

Yeah.

See, there you go.

Yeah, Buckingham Palace.

Buckingham Palace.

Wash a little boy.

Yeah.

I think most people don't like olives or oysters or fizzy water when they're little.

It's something, as an adult, you think, I've grown up, now I have to like those items.

Yeah, you got, I mean, you know, you don't know how long long you're going to be around for but you're going to get pretty bored if you just like the same stuff forever so yeah i'm very glad i think if you're a little kid and you like olives i think bad luck so you don't get to discover them when you're older that's fine and where is there to go yeah where is there to go what are they going to do start getting into munch bunch when they're 30 well i did i did do it the other way around oh yeah so i used to never i hated the kids menu and like chicken nuggets and stuff and would prefer to have like olives and poached salmon and the pickaxe basket and then when i got older when i got older i started to appreciate chicken nuggets and oven chips and stuff so where are you now now?

Big old mix.

I'll eat all of it now.

Okay.

Chicken nuggets with olives on top of it.

Chicken nuggets, sparkling water.

Okay.

A few olives sprinkled on top.

Why some chicken nuggets and olives, maybe?

That'd be fun.

Quite nice.

My kids would love that.

Yeah, yeah.

Ideal.

But yeah, I don't know.

I think, you know, water's there to quench a thirst.

If I'm out, I don't want water.

So we have let people on the podcast before do a bit of a hack on this at this stage.

And if you don't want water and you want to choose something else to have when you're getting i mean we both hacked it when we did our menus gin and tonic you'd like a gin and tonic you can make the joke that it is a water it's more or less the same yeah yeah got tonic water in there yeah and i mean you only really need water in a restaurant if you're choking

because otherwise you're better to have a nice time yeah and everybody says yeah we'll just have some still nobody means that nobody wants the water yeah if you're choking gin and tonic could help anyway wouldn't it absolutely so you can use that instead yeah it's a good way of getting more gin and tonic off them Completely.

Do you have a specific gin that you like or a specific tonic?

Well, I like to try a lot of different ones, but I tell you, there is a lovely one.

I think it's made in Swansea.

I'm not just saying that because I'm born there.

It's called Signet Gin.

That's very nice.

Very botanical.

Nice.

Signet courses.

Swan related.

Exactly.

Do you see?

Just letting you know that I'm

going to go.

It's a baby swan, isn't it?

Is it?

Oh,

that's mad.

Why?

Why?

Naming booze after a little baby.

Yeah, but they don't expect baby swans to drink it.

I don't know.

It's just a very nice thing.

I think you're putting ideas in people's heads.

I'd hate to.

I mean, swans are annoying enough anyway, right?

Imagine a pissed swan.

That would be very lary.

Well, how do you feel about swans coming from Swansea?

Oof.

I like the look of them at a distance, but close up, I think they could take your arm off.

But you're not allowed to touch them, are you?

Because the queen owns all the swans.

Not anymore.

Dead.

She passed them on.

Oh, yeah.

Does the king now own them?

I think Yeah, what?

I don't know.

What's happened to the kids?

The swans do now, right?

Do you think she has to put it in the will?

Yeah.

I leave all the swans to Charles.

Yeah.

I think he does now own all the swans.

Maybe automatically he becomes the swan owner.

Yeah.

The swan dad.

I mean, obviously you've got a lot to take on board when you suddenly become the king.

But I hope he's taken a moment

to go.

I own all the swans now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's got a feel of...

Maybe at the coronation, I think he'll probably take that in because there'll be a lot of standing around.

He'll probably be like, okay, okay, now he can finally touch a swan.

Yeah.

All these years, if he wants to touch a swan, he's got to phone his mum and ask permission.

And now he can just walk in.

Now he can stroke them.

Yeah, he can just do it.

But do the swans know that the torch has been passed?

Because they might still try and deck him.

Yeah, they will have told them.

Main swan, head swan, would have spoken to the other swans and said, Charles is now in charge.

That's a good, good voice.

So that, so that means, like, I mean, how do the people of Swansea feel about the royal family owning the swans?

I haven't asked them directly, but i i assume fine you know i mean king charles conservationist yeah he's he's in love with animals so it can only be a good thing former prince of wales of course exactly do you feel like you've got your boy in he's on board yeah your guy's on the phone yeah secretly got the welshian yeah charge yeah

so lovely gin and tonic lovely gin and tonic as soon as you get in so maybe we're waiting for you at the door with a gin and tonic on a tray so you can just grab it as soon as you get in yeah honestly i don't like ice in any other drink

apart from a gin and tonic how come for a gin and tonic you like it then because i think otherwise it's a bit too tonicy yeah yeah it takes the edge off the ice imagine a gin and tonic without any ice

yeah no i've had like warm gin and tonic before wow that would be at parties when there's like nothing left i mean obviously first world problems i was gonna say that's absolutely horrific it's not absolutely horrific but it's not ideal oh look first world problem is very much covers all of our episodes of the podcast yeah so we're fine so yeah yeah that's that's trigger warning, first world problems.

Yeah, we're doing the podcast, but what food people like.

We talk about what foods we don't enjoy and don't want to eat, thank you.

And a slice of orange, if you've got one.

Wow.

I was about to ask lemon or lime.

I didn't even think about that.

Oh, no.

Lemon or lime, okay at a push, but blood orange, a slice of delicious and tons of ice.

Actually, that was the last gin and tonic I had at my friend Joe's house.

He makes the best gin and tonics in the world.

I'll give you his number after this.

Lovely.

And

he made me, yeah, it had a slice of orange in it and some pepper in it as well.

He put some black pepper in there.

It was very good.

And thirst quenching.

You don't need water.

Sure.

Don't need it.

Single or double?

Oh, single.

Let's not go mad.

Okay.

Because make room for the wine.

Ah, right.

Okay, good.

Little insight into what we can expect.

Pop drops or bread.

Pop rooms or bed, Alex Jones.

Pop drops or bread.

I can't even believe it's the question.

I mean, pop-a-doms, right?

Fine.

They've got their place with all the dips, order loads of them, love it.

But bread, bread, if you ask me, starter, main dessert, I could go bread for all three.

Wow.

Great.

Because I think there's nothing nicer in the world than fresh bread with salty butter.

What's not to love?

I could live on that forever and ever and ever.

And I don't like fancy bread.

You can keep your ciabata.

You can keep your focaccia.

Focacci can

all of it.

I just love fresh bread, you know, plain.

When you're talking plain, are we talking just like a life of hovis?

No.

I don't want sliced.

No.

Fresh out of the oven.

Fresh out of the oven.

Yeah.

Are you talking about hovis?

I'm just trying to drill down.

How boring?

No.

Fresh for sandwiches.

That's for sandwiches.

Is hovest fresh?

Fresh out the package.

No, fresh out of the oven.

Fresh out the freezer.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Hot.

I mean, can you stop?

No.

Can anybody stop eating bread when it's like that?

No.

No.

They can't.

Bread, cheese, red wine, done.

Yeah, yeah.

Every course.

Yeah, putting like butter straight on some bread out of the oven, just watching it absorb this

instantly.

Or, you know, if you're little and you're in France on holiday and your job is to go and get the baguette and it's hot.

One of my favourite things on the podcast is when people try and pitch things as universal experiences.

You know, when everyone's young and it's their job to go and get the baguette in France when they're young.

Even like when you're little and you're on France in holiday even that is like you're narrowing down I know there's gonna be listeners going no I don't know what that's like and then and it's your job

Alex is your job today to get the baguette it feels like a lot of people used to do that but you know okay okay well picture the scene then I mean you're in let's go I don't know not Normandy because it's not very sunny there let's go lower Loire

Hang on so where are we going hold on is that a place France France France oh you said let's go lower Loire.

Loire is a region of France.

It's a funny French accent.

That was

the first time on the podcast.

I've been genuinely confused.

Right, let's go to Flipping Paris, right?

Everybody knows Peter.

I don't know Loire.

I love Loire.

Loire.

Loire.

Okay, and we've gone to Petisserie.

Yep.

Oh, that's cakes, though.

What's bread, Ed?

You know you.

Boulangerie.

Boulingerie.

Let's all go to the Boulangerie.

Boulingerie.

Why Ed, you know?

Why did I even get considered for that?

Sorry, yeah, he knew.

Did you?

No.

No, fine.

So I picked the right one.

So we're all off to the belangerie, right?

And we're going to get the baguette and we're going to take the baguette on a picnic and it's fresh out of the oven and the smell is so delicious.

And the first thing you do, you, that looked rude, you move the packet down the baguette.

Yeah.

And you

chomp off the top.

Absolutely right.

Absolutely delicious.

See, I was going to ask you, when you said it's your job to go and get the baguette, I was going to ask you if you do that, because Ed has spoke on the podcast before about when his partner, now wife, used to live in Paris.

And sometimes it would be Ed's job to get the baguette.

It would be my job to get the baguette.

And where do you anch the top off?

Even though she lived in a little flat on a courtyard and the Boulangerie was, you just had to go down some stairs, out, turn left, agosh, and then into the Boulangerie.

And it's one minute's walk away.

Baguette, even on that short walk.

100%.

There is no way you can go to the Boulingerie, get a baguette and not anch the top off.

It's delicious.

I'm very glad that you've said it independently because I think we've been asked, we've had a few people say about warm baguettes, and I always ask them that question because Ed says he couldn't resist doing it.

I always ask them if they could resist it.

I'm glad it's just come up organically.

Didn't even need to ask the question about how irresistible it is.

It's irresistible.

People talk about things like pretzels.

Shut up.

I mean, right?

I've never bought a pretzel because they don't appeal to me.

They are dark brown and slightly salty, which is okay when you have that bite where it's got the salt on it.

Delicious momentarily.

But that is not bread.

It's too shiny.

It's not a cracker.

It's not a biscuit.

It's not bread.

What is it?

A waste of time.

Yep.

Waste of time.

I do agree with you.

However, in a shopping center.

There's a lot of big shopping centers of this brand in London, Westfield.

And you can get sweet pretzels.

Now, they off the charts.

Yes, sure.

Off the charts delicious sweets always better

but pretzels i've heard people talk about pretzels on this podcast i i can't i can't get on with that at all no it's it's not a thing i don't know if anyone's ever chose pretzel proper have they maybe and i don't mean the crisp ones because we don't want people to get confused here not the crisps you know not the little ones not getting a bag the big ones you buy at the bakery counter yeah i've definitely bought a pretzel before and just instantly gone that yeah can't be bothered with that i did did one once at herman's the german What were you even doing in there?

It was his job to go get the pretty sausage.

I thought you were a foodie.

What are you doing in Herman the German?

The sausages were good.

I used to go there for quite a bit because Brett Goldstein, he's won awards.

Yeah.

He used to love going in there and getting a box of just like cut-up sausage with all the sauerkraut and stuff.

So I copied him and would do that.

And that was, I loved doing that after a gig.

It'd be a quick bite to get after a gig.

Yep.

If I was giggling in Soho, Leicester Square, wherever, go go down to herman's the german all cut up crispy onions on there too delicious for once i was like i'm gonna get something else i'm gonna get that pretzel and

that was a yeah it was like a a job let me tell you about pretzels they've got those yellow stickers on them at the end of the day every day yeah because nobody wants them yeah yeah they're trying to flog them the only time i've ever enjoyed a pretzel and bear with me yes it was at disneyland Yeah, okay.

I thought it was a pretzel, but it was filled with fake cheese and jalapeno.

And it was delicious because it was so salty.

With fake cheese and what?

Jalapeno.

Jalapeno.

You say it differently to anybody I've ever heard saying that word.

You've obviously never heard a Spanish man say it because that is the correct pronunciation.

You are not Spanish.

No, but I say croissant and I say jalapeno.

Jalapeno?

Yeah.

It's not jalapeno, is it?

Is it?

I would say.

Come on, James, you say.

I guess I say jalapeno.

Jalapino, I'd say.

Jalapeno.

I mean, I wouldn't go jalapeno, but I'd go jalapeno.

I'm perfectly perfectly willing to go what?

Peño.

I'm perfectly willing to admit that I'm wrong.

Wow.

As far as I know, on the end, there is the little squiggly accent, which is

nya.

How'd you say piñata?

Piñata.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, because of your, because of your kind of explanation, I'm going to believe you.

Yeah.

And because you are who you are, I think you're probably right.

But I just haven't heard anybody say it like that.

Well, I might be wrong.

I I frequently get messages saying I've absolutely messed up.

welcome to my world my whole my whole life is to copying what ed does until someone else tells me it's wrong

but do you so would you go into a takeaway place or a restaurant and and say that would you say i want some jalapena on my pizza jalapeno jalapeno sorry jalapeno yeah

i've got a slight problem with

sometimes when we're out with friends And there are a few friends who I won't name, but they go deep with an accent when we're ordering off a menu that say is Spanish.

And I just feel so super awkward.

Yeah.

Because I'm like, okay, we don't need to like go, you know, we don't need to go.

Matt Belangerie.

Matt Belangerie.

I've never been to a, I've never been really in that situation with Matt.

I don't imagine he would be.

But some people have got real confidence, haven't they?

And they go into a Spanish restaurant and they basically become Antonio Banderas.

I mean, is he even Spanish?

Yes, I think he's.

I think he is.

Pussin boots.

More or less.

Puss and boots.

And they go all that.

Anyway, I don't do that.

We don't do that.

I find that embarrassing, but I mean, I feel very exposed after saying jalapeno, to be honest.

Jalopeño.

Sorry, I just.

I was going to start saying it, though.

I loved it.

I didn't mean to make you feel awkward.

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Your dream starter.

Okay, you are going to look at me now as if, oh.

I mean, couldn't she bring something better than that?

But I've gone through this in my head over and over and over, and I have to stay true to prawn cocktail.

Hey, it's a big hitter.

It's a big hitter on the pod.

A lot of people chose prawn cocktail.

I'd say you are,

if I may say this, the youngest person to choose a prawn cocktail.

Gosh.

Normally it's people who grew up in a certain decade, and I would say you are the youngest person to choose a prawn cocktail.

Well, prawn cocktail's cool now, right?

That's cool now.

It is and I was a late comer to prawn cocktail.

Again, it was in the sparkly water olive category where prawns and me were not friends.

Because if you bite into a prawn, don't ever do that.

What?

Don't ever bite into a prawn.

I can't even say it.

Don't ever bite into a prawn.

No?

Don't ever bite into a prawn.

Are you swallowing them whole?

How are you going to eat this?

100%.

What?

100%.

How big are the prawns?

King-size.

King-size prawns.

You're go put them down like a pelican.

100%.

It's the same thing as there's a rule, isn't there?

Unspoken, but nobody ever bites into Scampy.

What?

Never bite into Scampi and look.

Oh, right.

Don't look at it.

If you're going to order Scampi and chips, and let me tell you, I've done that millions of times because I love Scampi.

But in a pub situation, you're there, it's summer, scampy peas and chips in a basket back in the 80s.

But never bite into the scampy because you never know what you're going to see.

And that's going to ruin your meal.

What might you say?

Yeah.

Well, the inside of scampy is not great.

Have you ever bitten into a scampy and looked?

I don't think I have, to be honest.

I think bitten, I definitely don't gulp these things down whole.

I'm trying to think if I've bitten into the scampy and then looked at the other half.

I mean, I think I have, and in my head, it's quite succulent and juicy.

Like a deep-fried scampy.

Okay, well, you just try that again and then come back to me.

Okay, yeah.

So the ruler scampi, always swallow whole.

And I think

swallow whole.

You're not even biting it when it's in your mouth.

Dip it into your tartar or into your tartar, not the thing that's on your teeth, as in tartar sauce.

Yeah.

And or your ketchup, whatever, and down it goes.

And with prawns, it's the same thing.

With a king-sized prawn,

you would swallow that whole.

Well, take, you know, take the bits off you don't want and it goes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you're not even, why why don't you bite it in your mouth

but why don't you

i i can i do i do i do i don't i don't go oh

because you know for the last five minutes everyone's been imagining you just swallow

that'd be that'd be silly then i'd be choking so the gin and tonic would have to be replaced by water

immediately oh so you you you're biting them in your mouth you're chewing them up yeah and then you're swallowing them you're not just like i mean i think prawn cocktail is undercelebrated it's having a moment now isn't it it's having a cooler moment um but it's i mean it's delicious

crispy iceberg lettuce proper proper semptis yeah triangle bread toast nice paprika on top getting a bit more bread in there

it's the only thing i make all year is it make that a home it's our starter on christmas day greatly yeah yeah yeah along with mackerel pato which is a bit weird to have both but anyway they're both quite i think they yeah especially yeah in the uk they're quite christmas starters i might move on when my palate develops i might move on to oysters but i'm not there yet i mean yeah if you're not even looking at scampy when you buy it

good luck looking at an oyster before i have one even before i have had one um

one and oh god

takes me back now yeah got stuck at it got stuck halfway

halfway down your throat or down your body yeah it's oh my god and all i could think i mean i'm not even gonna go with that but i really because you know we were filming, right?

And we were in France again.

And there was a man, like a fisherman.

And he was, but he was also like a TV chef in France.

And he was making this beautiful kind of vinaigrette thing to go on top of it.

And it looks so lovely, like all these lovely shallots.

And I thought, that looks, how bad can it be with that on top of it?

Yeah, yeah.

God, it was awful.

This was fresh.

Massive ones.

I think they called, I don't know, but they giant oysters.

And they just caught them in front of me.

Fresh, wow.

Fresh, just caught them.

Here we go.

Shuck them.

Yeah.

This stuff on top, you know, and there was like Tabasco and then I thought, well, you're not even going to taste it.

Oh, my goodness me.

The texture.

Whoa.

Did you chew that?

Did you bite that?

No, I did not.

Straight down.

Yeah.

Tears in my eyes, all of it, because I couldn't swallow.

And did that come across in the footage?

Very much so.

Yeah, yeah.

Did the fisherman mind?

Did he seem offended?

I was trying to hide it from him.

Yeah.

I did a bad job.

Yeah, you can't hide anything from a fisherman.

But I'm hoping in time I would like to like, you know, it's that thing you would like to like them.

All my friends like them.

My husband loves them.

And I'm like, oh,

the work of the devil right there.

Absolutely delicious.

Yeah.

And having one that's just been caught and prepared for you by the fisherman who caught it.

Wow.

That's a privilege.

I think it's the texture, though, isn't it?

What can we do about the texture?

Nothing.

I guess you could, I mean, sometimes they fry them.

They might bread them and fry them.

That's a lot of work, though, though, isn't it?

When you could just have a scampy.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Yeah, but yeah, I suppose it's the same with the deep-fried audio.

You're not biting that and having a look inside, are you?

Absolutely not.

You can't ask the fisherman to do that on the boat.

Can you deep-fry that for me, please?

You've probably asked me got that knocking around in the old fishing boat.

Would you like to be blindfolded for this meal?

Because it seems like you don't want to look at a lot of your food.

Yeah.

Oh, no, I don't mind the prompt cocktail.

I mean, it's covered in...

How do you even say it?

Mary Rose sauce.

Well, Ed knows how to pronounce things.

Go on.

I would say Mary Rose, yeah.

Okay.

I'd say Mary Rose.

Yeah, you say Mary Rose, yeah, absolutely.

I think I

said it on here once that's when you got told for it, got torn to ribbons.

Stop pub.

Yeah, yeah.

Mary Rose.

Yeah, I said Mary Rose sauce.

So is it just

Marie Rose or Mary Rose?

I would say Mary Rose, but again, I can't stress enough.

I'm really not the authority on

foreign

in this room.

But I think none of us really know these things.

We just say it very quickly and hope for the best.

Yeah.

In America, with prawn cocktail, they have cocktail sauce.

Have you had that that before?

Which is like...

It's the same.

No, it's like a tomatoey-based sauce with horseradish in it.

Well, hang on a minute.

What do you think Mari-Rose sauce is then?

It's like a more mayo-based sauce, right?

No.

It's got tomato sauce in it.

Hang on a minute.

Not in our house.

Not in your house.

No, it's, hang on.

It's ketchup

and mayonnaise.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

What are you talking about there?

Tomatoes.

The American one is more...

No, but it's like more of a sort of, it's almost like a pasta sauce type of salt.

And it's all tomato.

There's no mayo.

Oh, no.

And there's horseradish in it.

And it's a real disappointment when you order a prawn cocktail in America.

Yeah.

Because you want that mayoe, that mayoe dip.

Of course, you do.

Yeah.

Have they not been over here and seen that we do it better?

You know what these Americans are like.

Yeah, you know what these Americans are like.

They come over, they see what we do, they don't take us seriously.

They just try and remake it, do their own versions for the office.

I thought everybody ate the same prawn cocktail all over the world.

So that's another eye-opener.

Thanks, Ed.

Thanks, Ed.

Your dream main course.

Okay.

Right.

Hold on tight.

And don't judge instantly, okay?

You said this about the prawn cocktail.

And we were on board with the prawn cocktail.

The prawn cocktail is universal.

This is not.

Okay.

Okay.

Ready?

Yes.

Deep breath.

Corned beef pie.

Hey, look, that sounds great.

I want to eat it immediately.

Okay.

So I wouldn't want to eat corned beef out of a tin.

Okay.

That would make me feel a bit sick.

Again, don't look at it.

But corned beef mixed with onions, mixed with potato that then become mashed potato with a little bit of secret ingredient, ketchup, salt and pepper, mush it together in pastry, in the oven.

Oh my God.

It's a dream.

I think...

You've just reminded me of something my mum used to make that I'd completely forgotten about.

Exactly.

And now I'm really excited.

Right.

I do forget a dream.

I do forget a dream.

My mum used to make this for us, still does on occasions.

Yeah.

Often enough, mum, if you're listening.

But she does make it and it is like nothing else.

Because at the time, you can have it respectably with vegetables and gravy, like a bit like a Sunday roast kind of thing, you know.

Day after with ketchup.

or beans.

I mean, I've taken this podcast now right down to the gutter and I.

This is great.

But it's honestly let's forget about fancy food a minute.

This is comfort food personified.

It sounds amazing.

I love corned beef anyway.

Yeah.

From the tin, whatever.

No, you don't, Dad.

Did I used to have corned beef sandwiches when I was at school?

How do you say corned beef?

Coin de beef.

Buff.

Buff.

Buff de la corn.

I used to have corned beef sandwiches.

I really look forward to them.

Yeah, they were my favourite sandwiches.

We'd have them in school, corned beef sandwiches.

I did not look forward to them because dad has to put ketchup on them as well.

And I didn't like them.

I mean, but I can see why people would like them, but it's just the whole tin thing.

I don't like anything in a tin apart from tuna.

Interesting.

And beans.

And why?

And tomatoes.

Oh, no.

I do like things in a tin.

Most things.

But meat in a tin.

So spam.

No.

What's the other one?

That's like a ham and it's got like jelly around it.

That is.

That's a big thing.

I know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like luncheon meat or something.

Luncheon meat is the thing, yeah.

Yeah, you don't like those.

Any meat in a tin is too reminiscent of dog food, I think, when you tip it out.

Yeah.

But I don't mind it.

But let's push past that.

Okay.

Corned beef, get it out of the tin, quickly mix it with other things in a bowl.

And my mum was with me last night, and I was like, mum, can you just make a corned beef pie?

Because I'll take it tomorrow.

She's like, well, I'd love to, but I've got your washing to do.

What?

I mean,

you don't have to do my washing.

I'm perfectly capable.

She's like, there's a lot of work that needs to do in this house.

I mean, anyway, let's not got into that.

So when your mum visits,

she properly goes into mum mode.

Oh, yeah.

And does everything in that way?

Yeah, I'm incapable, apparently, of anything.

You see, on one hand, you're saying, oh, mum thinks I'm incapable.

She's doing my washing.

But on the other hand, you are saying that you asked her to make a corned beef pie last night.

Yeah, only cause this is her recipe.

Yeah.

You see.

So you don't think you could make it?

Have you tried?

I haven't tried, no.

I mean, I had to push, I'm sure.

Yeah.

But, you know, it's just hers has got the je sequoi.

I love how I put that with a corned beef pie.

A very French episode.

That is the first time anyone has ever used the phrase je ne sequoi in relation to a corned beef pie.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

I believe that.

Yeah.

The only thing, I mean, I know,

I think I've got that wrong.

I was about to say, it just reminds me of Home Alone when someone says it, but I don't think she does say.

I think she tells Kevin, she goes, you're what the French call les incompetent.

She doesn't say jequis.

There's not a corned beef pie involved either.

If only there was.

I bet that would be coming quite handy.

If you were defending, this is a question for you, Alex.

If you were defending your house against burgers and you had a corned beef pie, would you use it in a trap?

Well, it's that dense you could throw it at them and it would probably take them out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a big, it's a big unit.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, when you're having a slice, you know about it.

You know, you don't want prawn cocktail really to precede corned beef pie.

Oh, right.

Because

you're going to be up to your eyeballs.

In what?

Just food?

In corned beef pie.

In corned beef pie.

And I'm not sure there's any room for any prawns.

What shape is this corned beef pie?

Well, it's up to you.

You can, you know, you can go with what you feel.

But square we usually make.

Nice square.

So you can have big rectangles.

I'm going to text my mum.

Okay, go.

And ask if we had corned beef pie when we were younger.

So we used to have a thing called corned beef hash.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, it was just chopped potatoes, onions.

Yeah, and I don't know.

I mean, I don't know.

People must still eat it somewhere in the world, but I think it's fallen out of fashion.

Yeah, it's another one of those things where you might see it on a menu somewhere.

Yeah.

And it's like a bit of a trendy thing to put on.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I mean,

we could bring corned beef hash back right now, probably.

I think that's, I feel like that's more like, again, in America, I'd see corned beef hash on a menu, but then neither of those things are what we know them as here.

Yeah, it's corned beef's not the same.

Yeah, hash isn't the same.

Hang on.

What corned beef have they got there, though?

Well, it's just not that sort of compacted corned beef that we have here.

It would be like a bit of beef that has been the way it's been brined is in more like a corny way, it's like shredded, like it comes out like a good explanation.

Well, it's something to do with the process of the way it's been brined as opposed to whatever the fuck corned beef is here.

And what's hash then over there?

Well, like, I think over there, actually, maybe hash is quite simple.

I'm just thinking of hash browns, really, of how hash browns are here, and then hash browns there are like stringy potatoes that have been fried and with onions and stuff but it's not all one right block like we've got but it's quite it's quite odd isn't it because things like corned beef hash casserole you know pies these were things that you'd have growing up and of course wholesome food and those are the things that you dread weren't they yeah oh no it's that night we're having corned beef hash oh no and i'm gonna be dragged away from neighbors to eat this yeah but that's the that's the regularity thing i think as well is like every wednesday what we're having corned beef hash and then you move away and you realize you can have whatever you like on any night of the week.

But then Wednesday rolls around, and you're like, I missed that corned beef hash.

Yeah, I know.

Like, Monday was lasagna and salad day

for years.

Great.

About 20 years.

Monday was.

Yeah.

And you know, that's not a bad Monday, is it?

Garfield loves lasagna but doesn't like Mondays.

Yeah.

So that'd be crazy for Garfield.

Garfield doesn't know what's going on.

Well, but that would be Garfield.

He'll come back to that.

That that would surely be the way

to help Garfield like Mondays.

Perfect for Garfield.

Because he looked forward to it.

Give him a Zanyu on a Monday, turn him around.

What do you mean, Garfield doesn't know what's going on?

Garfield, honestly.

He used to annoy the shit out of me.

I don't know why.

Everybody loved Garfield.

I was like, what's the big deal?

God.

So annoying.

Why did he annoy you?

I don't know.

He was quite negative, wasn't he?

Very negative.

Yeah, negative.

Everything's a problem.

Oh, shut up, Garfield.

Yeah,

it's not nice to Odie the dog, and that's quite a nice.

You know, I just think you could do with better energy.

Yeah, what would you do if you had to interview Garfield on the one show?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he wouldn't even get past the flipping security door.

No, we'd pin a poppy straight into him.

Take that, Garfield.

Not even remembering Sundays.

Well, I think that sounds delicious.

And hopefully my mum will text me and tell me.

Because if that is something we used to have when we were kids, I really want it again because I know exactly what you're talking about with cooking.

I made it for um, well, you can make so do you know what wristles are?

Like, oh, that look of confusion.

So, no, no, no, I just don't want to get it wrong.

Yeah, like meat, are they like meatball type things?

No, so ristols,

ristols are basically corned beef pie inner in a sort of battered, no, not battered, breadcrumbed and fried ball.

Delicious.

So in fish and chip shops

in South Wales, wristle and chips is a thing, which is weird because it's double potato, but nobody cares.

So it's corned beef, onion, mashed potato in a bowl of breadcrumbs, fried with chips, sometimes gravy on it, sometimes curry sauce.

Yum.

Yeah.

And it's that curry sauce that you can only get in fish and chip shops.

You know the one?

Sounds so good.

Slightly vinegary.

Anyway, so I I made these risols for Dame Mary Berry.

Wow.

There's a dame whose name you can pronounce.

So yeah, I can do that.

You're not saying Berry Mary?

No.

Berry Mary.

Love Dame Mary Berry.

But she, so I could, so I went on a show with her.

It was one Christmas ages ago.

And she said, okay, you have to cook a dish for this Christmas party that we're going to have at the end.

I was like, what?

I can't cook.

And now I'm cooking for Dame Mary Berry.

And I said, all right, then, I'll make risols.

Why?

Why?

Anyway, and she said, what are you going to make, dear?

I said, I'm going to make rissoles, Mary.

She said, what are they, dear?

And I said, well,

they very sort of, you know, it's the Welsh tradition and they make them in South Wales.

And mum used to make them.

And she said, well, they sound delicious.

I mean, Mary's all over kind of World War II food unless falls into that category.

Corned beef, straight in there.

And I made them.

And honestly, oh, it looked like cat food.

Oh, God, I could not get the consistency right.

It was just really runny corned beef and potato, but I couldn't get it so that, you know, I could make it into a ball.

And I made it.

Honestly, it's never looked so bad.

Fern Cotton was on the same show.

She did something really super duper,

I don't know, like butternut squash risotto in a butternut squash.

Hates Fern Cotton.

Yeah.

No, I love Fern Cotton.

She really hates Fern Cotton.

But she is such a good cook.

Yeah.

And she'd made a lovely dip and she said, Al, what's your dip?

And I went, ketchup.

Like, I didn't even made a dip.

I just poured ketchup into a bowl.

Anyway, Mary Berry loved it.

Great.

Of course, she did.

Absolutely loved it.

She's a good one.

She's loved it.

Yeah, I wish she was on pay-off when I got on it.

Corned beef loaf.

There you go.

My mum sent me the page of the recipe book.

Wow,

that was a quick response.

Oh, she has very little going on.

Oh, my goodness.

Huh?

Your poor mum.

Well, you know.

Go on.

12-ounce ounce can of corned beef six ounce cheddar cheese grated nine large slices of thinly sliced white bread two level tablespoons of French mustard six ounces of butter two ounces of freshly made white bread crumbs one large egg size two in brackets one medium onion peeled and finely chopped two level tablespoons of pickle Well, I don't know

the method.

No, it sounds like she's making a corned beef sandwich.

Have you got a picture of how it should look like in the end?

I can't picture it.

No, this recipe book is so old that it just looks like parchment paper.

There's like old, you know, tea-stained parchment paper.

There you go.

Well, there's no photos.

I don't think photos existed when this, I mean, the next recipe in it is ginger beer.

How to make your own ginger beer.

It's like the famous five cup book.

In a blighted tweet of this shit.

And I've said to her, wow, I'd love it again.

And then she's gone, what?

Why?

And asked me if I've recently discovered corned beef.

Yeah.

I was going to say yes, because I don't have time.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell her later on.

And she listens to the pod anyway.

There you are.

Well, she'll know all about it.

Yeah, yeah.

She'll absolutely love that bit where you said she doesn't have anything going on.

Yeah, I'll get a text.

Yeah.

I'll get a text

about that straight away.

Yeah.

As soon as it's released.

Yeah.

Very little going on.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

As soon as I say it, she'll text me.

I've got all else to do.

This corned beef pie sounds absolutely amazing.

Honestly.

I mean, it is a bit World War II.

Is it, you know,

it's a bit retro, but taste it.

It also, that and the wrist holes really sounds like the sort of thing you'd eat before you go out drinking oh yeah or proper just after yeah so in cardiff and uh you'll have listeners i know in cardiff and they'll know about chippy lane chippy lane it's not really called chippy lane but it is chippy lane because all the sort of late night takeaway places are on it and the floor is so slippery from chips

yeah so when you'd go down there in a heel

or whales man you are

you are taking your life into your own hands chippy lane in a heel, 3 a.m.

Disaster.

But, oh, the rewards.

If you make it into the shop, the rewards are like no other.

Rissol, chips, curry sauce, tons of vinegar.

Oh, my mouth is watering.

How slippy is it?

Could you start at one end of Chippy Lane and slide all the way like Martin McFly down to the other end?

Well, let's just imagine it.

Okay, your chips are falling on the floor.

A few people have walked over them, so they kind of worn into the concrete.

Very slippery.

Yeah.

Very slippery.

The floor is lava.

People say bananas.

It's not.

It's chips.

Chips should be in cartoons

for people slipping on them.

Yeah.

Not bananas.

There you go.

If you're touring in Cardiff, Chippy Lane, that's where you need to go.

I can walk down Banana Lane

in heels, no problem.

Yeah, yeah.

I can run down Banana Lane.

Fine.

Let's do your side dish.

Okay.

Dream side.

Okay.

Is it chips from Chippy Lane or are we looking at something else here?

It could be chips from Chippy Lane.

It would always be a potato in some form.

And I mean, that's pretty standard when it comes to side dishes, isn't it?

Yeah.

But none of this broccoli with chili.

Nice and all that, but not that exciting.

I would go,

again, I don't know if I'm saying it right.

Potatoes.

Au gratin?

Oh, yeah.

Au dauphinoise.

Nice.

If you're going to eat that with the corned beef pie, don't get me wrong.

Cardiac arrest is imminent and you will be carted off to the hospital.

That's a heavy meal.

That's a heavy.

I'm on board with it, though.

But this is in our dream situation, so we can go there.

But I think Dauphin Noir's potatoes are absolutely delicious.

They're the best potatoes.

Why did you get confused?

Why are you confused?

When you said cardiac arrest, because you've just been told about Cardiff.

Yes.

I thought you'd said cardiac arrest about someone getting arrested in Cardiff.

It confused me for a second.

Yeah.

Cardiac.

Yeah, yeah.

But you can't arrest anyone in Cardiff because they slip away from the police so easily.

Oh, that's true.

Isn't it too slippy?

My don't chippy lights.

Salon covers.

Slide down there.

Yeah.

These are Ed's favourite potatoes.

Dauphinoir's best potatoes.

Let me just check this with you, Ed, again.

I'm coming to you.

No offence.

Dauphinoirs, are they the same as Eau Gratin?

No.

Oh.

I don't think so.

Oh, here we go.

Okay, maybe they are so.

It might be getting mixed up with another shout-out for this word, potatoes boulanger.

Wow.

That is not a thing.

It is.

It's not.

You just mix up belangerie and potatoes.

That's not a thing.

What, bread potatoes?

No, I guess it's like baker's potatoes.

Is that a chip butty?

Oh,

oh, hang on a minute.

Uh-oh.

That would have been my side dish.

You'd rather have a chip butty now?

As a side dish.

What about...

Well, this is your side, isn't it?

We're on your side now.

What about if you did Dauphinoir's potatoes in a, you you know like a like but chip butty style no you wouldn't want that well it'd be runny what do you think

i think that would appeal i think i would like it if it was like i think it i would like it if it was forced on me of course yeah i think au gratin has cheese in it and dauphinois does it doesn't traditionally oh interesting i think dauphinois well dauphinois is cream isn't it it's cream cream and basically layers of roundy shaped potatoes and au gratin has cheese are we right okay well we'll call that a scoredraw i think normally i try and repeat what benito said so he doesn't have to put himself on the podcast but that was too long i can't memorize it isn't gonna have to pitch shift his voice down or something i can't say it benito i can't it's you you describe it so well the first time you have to cry and watch your voice

cry and watch yeah i'm sorry man uh dauphinoirs let's stick with dauphinoirs because dauphinoirs has got cream yeah And if we're going full-on dream meal, let's go rich.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Try to chuck your chip butty in there as well.

Yeah, dauphinoirs butty.

Well, in fact, if we go back to bread, we just put some chips in there, and then that's the bread.

Yeah, that's fair.

Chip butty, perfect.

Yeah, that's your new bread course chip butty.

Oh my god, this meal is turning out to be an absolute belter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's quite nice, isn't it?

Yeah, is there anywhere you've had dauphinoires before?

It's like the best you've ever had.

Oh,

gosh.

I tell you where I did have some nice dauphinoirs.

Is there's a restaurant in London, and oh, this sounds really knobby now.

Well, remember, you you have already told a story about when you used to get the baguettes when you were a little little kid.

So I think you're okay.

I think that's relatable.

It sounds less so.

There's a button on every table where you press it and they drink champagne.

You can bring Bob Bob Ricardo.

This has come up.

I had

some delicious Dauphin Noise potatoes there.

And how much also, because people have mentioned Bob Bob Ricard.

I'm going there on Sunday.

It's going there on Sunday.

Come on.

I don't know what I'm going to order.

It's not a Sunday type of place.

It's my mother-in-law's birthday.

We're taking it for her birthday because she wants to try the champagne button.

Alex has issues with things.

I really thought Alex was on my side there.

I can never predict what you're going to have an issue with.

No.

Or what it is.

And the fact that it's not a Sunday type of place, I love it.

It's mainly with me.

So it's always be something I say.

Jalapeno.

No, I loved that.

I just thought, wow, he's exotic.

Generous.

Yes, I'm going on Sunday.

Who goes...

Hang on a minute.

Yeah, come on.

Who goes into central London to a clearly nighttime restaurant on a Sunday?

I don't think there's such a thing as a nighttime restaurant.

I think there is.

Stringfellows?

Is that where you're going after it?

I don't call that a restaurant necessarily.

Yeah.

We're taking my mother-in-law to Stringfellows for her birthday.

Oh, God.

I mean, Bob Bob Rick had beautiful, lovely surprise.

Very nice and

nice treats.

I just wouldn't have ever have considered a sundae there well it's open well i guess open optimistically yeah

i just think of roasts you know in a like a pub they do a lovely beef wellington there though i'm sure they do oh beef wellington i haven't thought about a beef wellington in years not too dissimilar to a corned beef pie not a million miles away

not as good beef wellington's a bit one-dimensional really or controversial you want to go to ron gastro bar mate in amsterdam have the beef wellington there that was my dream main course like

when I did this.

So the Dauphinoise at Bob Bob Ricard is nice, you say?

Beautiful.

So that's the one we're going to put on your dream menu.

And that's the one I'll be getting on Sunday.

And you raise a toast to Alex when you're there?

Yeah, of course.

Well, think of me.

Yeah.

Order a bottle.

I'll say happy birthday

to Alex Jones.

And she'll be like, who?

She loves the Dauphinois, yeah.

She doesn't think it's right for a Sunday.

She hates Garfield.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I think that's a bit trivial.

Yeah, yeah, that's why it's not controversial.

No, somebody bought me a Garfield calendar.

It was a joke.

So misguided.

How old were you when they did that?

Oh, quite young.

And then, speaking of calendars, do you know the other one that somebody bought me?

And I don't.

I actually, no, worse.

I've just watched the series, so it's in my hair.

Beavis.

Beavis and Buttered?

I mean,

what?

Was it the same person who bought you those calendars?

No.

I was lost for words.

I was not expecting that.

that.

How old were you when you got aboard the Beavers and Butthead calendar?

Probably about, I don't know, 14.

Like, I couldn't be anywhere further from Beavis and Butthead.

But somehow, somebody'd gone into flipping W.H.

Smith or Woolworth or whatever at the time and thought, oh, she's going to love it.

I know.

Do you remember any of the, I mean,

they're pretty colourful characters, Beavis and Butthead.

Do you remember any of the months and what they were doing on them?

I just remember a lot of yellow and turquoise kind of colour and angry faces and no bin with the garfield calendar did they take the opportunity to do a little joke with all the mondays are like you know scrubbed out or something did they yeah there was that there was a cross on all the mondays great but it's not that funny there was this like i still saw

me yeah it's the same joke 52 times exactly yeah yeah did that go in the bin as well yeah yeah straight in the bin garfield's bin butthead hate them yeah What would have been the calendar you would have liked to receive?

You know, I don't know.

One of them with, you know, little kittens or, you know, kittens in a basket, or I don't know.

There was a thing called Forever Friends, and I had a wall plammer, Forever Friends, Wall Plammer.

I used to love that.

Or, you know, I don't know.

I mean, new kids on the block.

New kids on the block.

Yeah.

Well, that is kittens or forever friends.

Or new kids.

Garfield's a cat.

And Beef and Head of Forever Friends.

Yeah, come on.

Nice try.

What more do you want?

Nice try.

I've got a cup over there.

And then, and then

we were talking on the show the other day about Bill and Ted.

Oh, that's another pair I can't bear.

I can't bear.

It's just not me.

And I'm sure they're very nice people.

Bill and Ted?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Bill and Ted are nice people.

They love nice people.

Oh, yeah, they do.

They just want them to be.

Yeah, they even call my child Ted.

They want everyone to be excellent to each other.

But I don't want a Bill and Ted calendar.

You wouldn't have bought it.

No.

I mean, that's a shame.

How have we got to calendars from Beef Wellington?

Oh, that's all I bought up Garfield again because it's funny that you don't like Garfield.

And then we've discovered you also don't like Beaverson Butthead and Bill and Ted.

It's worth it.

It's very specific, isn't it?

I feel bad now.

They probably are very, well, I mean, you don't like two men who hang around together a lot and are best friends and love rock music.

Well, actually, when you put it like that, it's like my husband and his best friend Trevor.

Hey, Trevor?

Who the kids call Uncle Treasure?

That's not his name.

What's your husband's name?

Charlie.

So Charlie and Trevor is a bit like Beavers and Butterhead.

Yeah, although, yeah, they are.

Actually, they really are.

Maybe that's why I'm so annoyed with Beavers and Butterhead.

What would you do if you got a Charlie and Trevor Callendar game?

Oh my goodness.

Ben,

Ben, Ben.

He was our best man.

I love him dearly.

Yeah.

I love him to death.

He's lovely, but together.

Oh.

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Right, your dream drink.

This is a hard one.

So if I'm hungry.

Yeah.

And I'm in a restaurant and I think these people are going to be late or they're very slow with service here.

I'll have a Bloody Mary.

Because that is a meal in a glass.

Yeah.

It's the fun version of a slim fast, isn't it?

Shake, I always think.

There's more to it.

You know, it's quite meaty for a drink.

Yeah.

Fills you up.

So I like that.

I don't like the lemon in a Bloody Mary.

I completely agree with you.

What is that about?

What's it doing?

It doesn't go.

Yeah, yeah.

Completely agree with you.

I don't want it in there.

I would accept a squeeze of lemon in there, actually.

I would accept that.

But it's not essential.

You wouldn't squeeze lemon in your tomato soup, would you?

No, you really wouldn't.

No, but this is a Bloody Mary.

Yeah, but it's the same flavour profiles.

Exactly.

I don't know.

I do like the accoutrement.

Wow.

That's a word for a lot of people.

I'm just trying to join in with the French stuff.

Do you like those Bloody Marys where they like put bacon in it and stuff?

No.

No.

What do you want in there?

Because like...

Pepper.

Pepper.

Spicy.

Celery is fine.

Although, I don't know whether we should go down this road.

I think we should.

Okay.

I love this road.

Celery, I used to like.

Celery with a bit of salt.

I had COVID.

Celery now tastes like beef.

So I can't cope with it anymore.

I bet there are a lot of people listening to this who are jealous.

Yeah, I would.

I'm jealous.

So many people hate celery because they say it tastes like nothing.

It's watery.

If it tasted like beef, they'd be like, great, okay, like a fish.

No, it's not.

No, it's a pepperoni.

Because

you know, you want what you're eating to taste like what it looks like.

I mean, celery now is, well, it's lost as a peel.

I can't even tell you.

But in a Bloody Mary, if it's spicy enough, it'll take the beef element away.

Sure.

Also, you know, a bit of beef in your Bloody Mary wouldn't go a miss completely.

I suppose, but I'm also not going to go to the bar and then explain this whole thing that celery now tastes like beef.

They look at me like I'm mad.

Yeah.

And so I just let them put it in.

Have you googled it to see if this is a thing?

Because like sometimes like, yeah, yeah, people had COVID afterwards.

Like, I know it's like,

for example, I got a sty in my eye.

I was like, I never get styes.

And then I got one again.

I was like, what is going on?

And then I googled it.

It was like a lot of people who've had COVID and then suddenly they start getting styles

afterwards.

And so there's a whole bunch of things that people are finding, you know, post-having COVID that are actually quite common.

So maybe if you Google

celery problems.

I'd say you need to put celery, beef and COVID.

Those are the three keys.

We should do it and see what happens.

Would you prefer sties in the eye or celery to taste like beef if you were given the option of

easy celery to taste like beef all day yeah yeah yeah yeah but also red wine tastes funny and i love

that's a shame that would bum me out but i'm pushing through yeah you've got to what does it taste like red wine like i've got it from the garage like really cheap awful and it doesn't matter it doesn't matter how expensive it is they all taste the same that's gutting that is sad but i'm pushing through yeah well done yeah if you add enough Tabasco, it covers a taste, right?

Exactly.

So you're having Tabasco in the Bloody Mary?

So I'm having Tabasco in the Bloody Mary.

Not celery.

Not lemon.

No lemon.

What's the sheriff?

Yeah, all of it.

Which one is it?

Just all of that.

Leoperins.

All of it.

Olives?

Yeah, all right.

On a cocktail stick.

I've enjoyed olives in a...

Because I, well, I only order a Bloody Mary if I'm hungry.

So all the extra bits, even if the celery does taste like beef, is welcome.

Surely you're not hungry at this dream meal, though, are you?

Well, no, but this is before.

So this is an imperative slash little snack.

So you're chugging the G and T straight onto the Bloody Mary, then onto the

bread and gosh, I'm making myself feel a bit sick when I'm thinking about everything that's in my tummy after this dream meal.

But Bloody Mary aside, if I'm not hungry, super hungry,

straight in wine.

Wine all day.

Even though.

Not all day.

That would be irresponsible.

Yeah.

You can hold it together on the one show if you've been drinking wine all day.

I do like, there's a wine called bread and butter.

Have you tasted this?

It's

brought to our attention.

Yes, it has.

Michelle Keegan.

Yeah, yes.

Michelle Keegan, who chose bread for every course unknowingly and figured it out as she was going along that she just keeps choosing bread.

And then she said this wine and then really she said that she needed locking up.

Bread and butter is a chardonnay.

It's a chardonnay.

It's, I think it's Californian.

Bread and butter is delicious.

Yeah.

Would you like to

share a bottle with Michelle Keegan?

I would.

As long as we had another one.

Because I don't think there's anything worse than opening a bottle of wine that you're really enjoying, knowing that you haven't got one in reserve.

Yeah.

You want to decide when to stop, not the wine, I always think.

I think a lot of people have probably, you know, listening to this podcast have just stood up and saluted you.

Yeah.

No, never mind.

I think you've spoke to people's hearts.

You need one on reserve.

Always one on reserve.

And always something fizzy in the fridge because you never know when there's something to celebrate, I think.

What if your kids?

They're fizzy.

They're fizzy.

They are fizzy with a bit of added fizz.

Put them in the fridge.

Yeah.

Chill them out.

Yeah, might help.

I think you and Michelle Kegan are getting on.

I think so.

I've interviewed Michelle a few times.

She's lovely.

Yeah.

So I'll get the bread and butter in next time she comes on the one show.

Oh, she'll be ecstatic.

If you went to the next glass.

I seem to remember when she brought it up on the podcast.

A lot of people were messaging me saying,

I've not had this before and I tried it and it's fantastic.

Oh, it's really nice.

A friend of mine bought it for me as a little gift.

She brought it over on my birthday and I thought, what is this?

It's special.

Great.

Well, it's always good when somebody gets a second shout out.

Chardonnay gets a bad rap as well.

So you know it does.

And years ago, I would have gone, ah, gosh, I'm not drinking that.

But, oh, I'm converted.

It used to be Sauvignon Blanc, New Zealand, all the way.

But now.

I'll take either.

Bread and butter Chardonnay.

Yeah.

Very good.

Delicious.

we arrive at the dessert the dream dessert i'm feeling good about this okay well so james worries if people don't have sweet tooths but what james might not have picked up on earlier is when we were talking about bread you said you could happily eat bread cheese and drink red wine with every meal but also

you don't like savory pretzels but you like sweet pretzels yeah so this is tricky

Could go either way.

Can you predict?

I think it's going to be something

I think it's going to be something like an apple crumble with custard.

Oh.

No, I hate custard.

We've also established the custard thing, James.

What, did we?

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Wobbly custard that's been set in a custard slice.

I might have been texting my mum during this.

Oh.

You don't like them?

What's the difference between that and Blanmange?

Who is Blancange?

Nobody.

Do you know Milton Jones, the comedian Milton Jones?

I do.

Not personally, but I know, yeah.

Not related to him?

Nope.

That would be a real turn-up for me.

Maybe, who knows?

Milton and I, well, I was supporting him on tour in 2011.

Yeah.

The aim of the tour, besides doing the gigs, was to find the perfect custard slice because he loves them.

And I've got a sweet tooth.

I agree with you, Alex.

I hate that texture of the best.

The best one we found.

Well, maybe this will convert you was in Wales.

Was it?

Yeah.

Do you know what I do like about it?

The server station as you get into Wales.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, interesting.

But then we went back to get it and it was like the server station had vanished and and wasn't there anymore.

It's like a ghost town.

So I think we, something happened, something supernatural.

That's quite

going back the other way.

Oh, yeah.

Was it on the different side of the road?

Custard slice, though.

I tell you what I do really like about them.

So I hate the middle bit, but I love...

the top bit, but especially the bottom bit, where it's a bit soggy.

So if I could have just those two sandwiched together without the rubbish in the middle, delicious.

Fair enough.

But custard slice.

Wrong.

Wrong.

So not an apple crumble though, not something like that.

I'm thinking like homely.

I've come around to custard, but it's taken me a while.

Yeah.

But I'm not, oh, it's all right.

I know.

Okay, I'm going to go eat and mess.

Oh, okay.

Great.

Yeah, yeah.

And my sister said to me the other day, about a year ago, I ordered eaten mess, and she went, oh, look at you going all English.

What?

It's just a pudding.

Yeah, but it's because it's called Eaton Mess.

I know that.

That's why she's, people get angry about that sort of stuff, right?

Yeah.

But I think, I don't know, I just love cream.

Yeah.

I just, yeah.

Yeah.

So Eclair's.

Yeah.

I'm in.

No.

Anything with a large amount of...

I hate Eclairs.

Why?

I think I have an issue with a large amount of cream that's not sort of very sweet.

So like Eclairs, sometimes you're just like, they're full of air.

There's so much air.

It's like,

where are you buying them?

Well, I'm not buying them.

You're not buying them.

Jay Vayner came on the podcast.

Jay Vayner chose.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I mean, but yeah, but he has got very high expectations when it comes to food.

Sure.

But then he chose Eclairs as his dessert.

Did he?

Interesting.

And

Ed did this for a little strop.

Yeah.

And then Jay Vayner was like, you got to go to Matre Shou, wasn't it?

Yes.

And you got to have them there.

There's so much French in this podcast.

This was weak.

And you said it was nice.

Yeah, it was.

But I think I'm just thinking of like your supermarket Eclairs.

so what's the difference yeah are

profitteroles just children of eclairs yeah yeah they're sort of round little cousins i guess because

is it the same yeah okay because i mean a profitterol stack nothing nicer oh great innit when i worked in a kitchen one of the kitchens i worked in uh they started doing profitter rolls and you'd just be sneaking off to the fridge the walk-in fridge constantly and just whacking one in

and then like and going back in it was so good especially like

when they've been refrigerated for ages and they were they're a little bit firm as well was there a big stack in there and you had to work out where you're going to take it from like djo yeah well it's a big pyramid yeah just one room massive pyramid of uh you just

yeah james took one from the bottom layer again we know you did it man um oh delicious delicious shoe pastry and cream with a bit of you know chocolate that's hard on the top from being in the fridge yum i think the reason i like the Matrix Shu ones is I think they were not like airy cream in the middle.

What is Matre Shu?

It's a place in Soho.

Oh.

It's gone now.

It was a place in Soho.

I think it's been replaced by that pasta Donata place.

Maybe, yeah.

A place that does the Portuguese custard.

Oh, I can't get on board with them either.

Well, I like them if I don't look at them.

Here we go again.

Oh, yeah.

It's a bit similar to a custard slice, I guess, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, it's Portuguese custard slice.

There's a nice flavour, but I don't like what it stands for, which is squidgy custard mainly.

But I think those eclairs, the Metro Sugar Eclairs, had more of like a creme pat in there.

So it was a bit more custardy, actually.

Yeah, a bit sweeter though.

Yeah, a bit sweeter, a little bit more solid.

And I like that, but it's the

cream.

I can't be dealing with that.

Whereas it needs a mess because it's beaten so much and whipped, it's thick and you've got.

It's got it all.

It's got crunch.

It's got berries to be a bit healthy.

But it's got masses of cream.

Yeah.

Sweet, yummy.

Have you had a, I think they're called maratosi bun?

It's an Italian bun.

Maratosi, maratosi.

I'm not like it.

I don't know how to say things.

Don't try and throw this on me.

Where's Stanley Tucci when we need him?

Yeah.

He's been on the pod.

I know.

I listened.

Yeah.

Well,

this bun, holy shit, you would love it, Judge.

So what's it?

What's it called?

Maratosi.

Maratosi, I reckon.

Okay.

M-A-R-I-T-O double Z, I think.

Aye.

But doesn't a double Z make a tut sound?

Yeah.

Tutsi, I would say.

Because of pizza.

I ordered this about five times.

Do you say pizza or pizza?

Oh, I say pizza.

Good.

Because that would be ridiculous otherwise.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that not like?

This bun.

And actually, the reason I got it was because of Tucci, the touch.

Oh.

Because I saw his TV show.

He goes to Rome.

Taste of Italy.

And this guy surprises him with it.

He's about to go and eat God knows how many meals in a day.

He's in a cafe speaking to someone.

And the guy comes out and goes, here's this bun and the tooch is livid the toot is like oh jesus christ i can't eat this now i'm just gonna

this is like a my head's worth of cream are you joking and the guy's like really laughing that he's done

toch is trying to do it and then the guy comes out and has a go at him for not finishing it and and toot is like are you are you shitting me you know how much i've got to eat today i've not seen this episode it's how they keep it in the edit it's like it's like i'm not eating this but I saw it.

I was like, that looks incredible.

Cause it's like 80% cream.

And then this bun that's like, you know, just

they've cut a bun, slammed it with cream.

I'd love it.

There's some orange peel in the, in the actual bun itself.

And I found a place that did it next to the Trevi Fountain in

that's what it's called in Rome.

This place, I don't even know what it's called.

So

I can't even write it down.

I went there.

I was there.

We were there for eight days.

We went to this place five times.

They did the best gelato I've ever had in my life.

Yeah.

Those buns were insane.

Best cannolis I've ever had.

We went and had everything.

And like it was so good.

New Year's Eve, we had a really bad meal.

We were really disappointed.

And then we just went to that place and we got four different things and sat and ate all these sweets at like, you know, half past midnight.

Do you not remember what it was called?

No, because it was like a long name and it was, I might have screen grabbed it.

It's probably Gregg's.

It was a Gregg's.

It was a Gregg's.

It was the Italian Gregg's.

I think it was a Gregg's.

But this is the thing, you see, the Italians, I mean, Italian food is, I think, another level.

Always safe.

Always safe.

Always safe.

Always safe.

Do you know what I would say is, obviously, everything's subjective.

I think I'm just not mega into Italian food.

How can that be?

I know it's weird, and I happen to hold my hands up and go, you know, I'm probably missing out and I'm wrong.

So, what,

you don't like a spaghetti bolognese?

I do.

I like pasta.

I like pizza.

Do you like lasagna?

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, that's okay.

Pesto?

Huh?

Pesto?

Yeah, yeah, look, look.

i like these things but i don't love them oh that's less a treat so broccoli pesto then i love them that's not italian and then we went to italy and i've and i was like here we go now i'm gonna finally get it and why these are some people's favorite stuff and i liked all of it but i just had to accept you know what i think it's just not my favorite of all the cuisines however their desserts blew my mind look at that bun look at that look at that bun oh my goodness

the bun is almost just there as a handle for the cream right yeah yeah it's just it's just cream now that looks like my perfect dessert.

How sweet is the cream?

Sweet, man.

It's like got ice and sugar in the cream.

I'm on board.

Now I am eating it.

Wow.

Yeah, that's great.

Look, even your eyes are closed.

Yeah, it's pretty graphic actually.

That is graphic.

Ed's already seen it.

I texted it to him.

I love it.

That's what I'm eating.

I think the thing is, it's more forgiving Italian food, you see, because, you know, bit of cheese on it, what's not, you know, what's not to like.

But I mean, that, that, I wouldn't have said was particularly Italian.

That is just in the Eaton Mess camp.

It's very delicious looking.

Yeah.

Cream, yummy.

I feel like we should have talked about Eaton Mess more, really.

I think I've derailed it.

No, sorry, this maratosi talk.

No, but we all know what Eaton Mess is.

I mean, you're either in or you're out.

People don't like sometimes the crunch of the meringue.

Yeah.

You know?

Those people need to get a life.

Well, some people absolutely hate eaten mess.

I can't get on board with that.

No.

Too sweet for some people.

Sometimes I can find it a good eat and mess phenomenal.

But it's not something that I think is always good, no matter what.

I think you're right there.

I think there are variations on the theme, and it has to be a very good one to be very enjoyable.

Some of the rubbish ones, I mean, it's not worth the calories.

But if you're going to have a dessert, this is what, see, these people who say, well, I haven't got a sweet dirt.

Well, don't order a dessert then.

Yes, thank you.

Do you know what I mean?

Either you're in or you're out.

If you're in for a dessert, you want it sweet.

That's the point.

Yes.

Isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Would you have a dessert wine?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd have a dessert wine, yeah.

You look unsure, both of you.

I don't know, I definitely would.

yeah yeah yeah okay

we had that thing when the those guys invited us to that wine uh tasting thing that we talked about on the pod before and that dessert wine they gave us was like liquid marmalade and i loved it yeah see i don't know i mean i'll have a glass if somebody gives me a glass i'll i'll drink it but by that point of the meal i'm kind of like okay now we're nearly done with the food i'm just going to plow on with the bread and butter do you know what i mean i don't know whether a dessert wine sometimes you'd want this dessert wine

yeah that that that one's the only thing that i do for ages i'd say i'd never confided a dessert wine but then those those men who knew a lot about wine did change my opinion of quite a few things there's absolutely no worry uh yeah you've been worried about sounding wanky talking about bob bob ricard and stuff don't worry about that because james just brought up the time he had chateau ykem at berry brothers and rudd yes which is literally the poshest story of all time yes okay ed knows the names of them yes I

because that is like the yes ridiculous most ridiculous dessert wine yes and that's super expensive isn't it?

Yes, bonkers.

But why were you tasting it?

They liked the podcast and they contacted us and went, do you want to come and get it?

Oh, they're the winemakers, aren't they?

Yes.

Yeah.

We had lunch in

their director's dining room.

You know, we're not going to pretend that there aren't some perks to do in this pod.

And sometimes you get invited.

My gosh.

You get invited to the higher echelons of societe.

Well, somebody may just send you in a corned beef pie.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

I'd be very happy with that, though.

I hope so.

I'd be very happy with that.

Wow.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

it.

Okay.

Water.

You would like G and T with signet.

A slice of orange, blood orange in there.

Correct.

And ice.

Yes, lots.

Popcums or bread, you would like a chip butty.

Are we still going to do it with fresh bread and salty butter?

Yes.

Starter, a prawn cocktail.

Don't look at the prawns.

Main course, corned beef pie, cooked by your mum.

Side dish, dove from Wilson Potatoes from Bob Bob Ricard.

Drink.

Bloody Mary, no lemon, and bread and butter Chardonnay.

So the Bloody Mary is after the gin and tonic near the beginning of the meal.

Yes.

Dessert, an eat a mess, high quality, sweet as you like.

Correct.

Loads of cream.

That sounds nice.

I don't think that sounds delicious, but I do feel like my tummy is like a washing machine now.

That is a lot of information there.

Kicking off with the chip button.

Have I overdone it?

Am I going to hospital?

This is the dream restaurant.

So if you are going to hospital, it's your dream hospital, which is a different podcast that we do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Someone else is probably doing it.

everyone does dream stuff now hey you know it's lagging them off dream hospitals coming up i'm sure someone's doing a dream someone's developing a dream hospital podcast yeah good luck to them

wow i feel greedy mr greedy oh mr the mr man you told me this that's the reference there when you read that

mr greedy i'm not sure yeah yeah

yep

We read a book most nights called Mr.

Men's Baking Competition.

And Mr.

Greedy is the judge.

And of course, he eats all the entries before they've judged them.

And I'm like, oh, of course he did.

Well, it's their fault for assigning the role of judge to Mr.

Greedy.

Who assigned the role?

Who assigned the role?

Mr.

Clever.

Was he that clever?

Well, that's ridiculous.

You're a dumbass.

Exactly.

But that's the point of the story.

Mr.

Clever's not always clever, is he?

Mr.

Crupps is the other judge.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant.

I have loved it.

I'm super full.

Thank you, Alex.

there we go great menu James delicious menu I thought some absolute classics in there include but you know the corned beef pie for me is the highest I'm excited to to try something something like that and we learned a lot about Alex Jones we did she hates Garfield she hates beavers and butthead she hates bill and ted she hates bill and ted uh and afterwards no no Julian she told us she hates mr greedy he's it he he's he's in the gang too yeah yeah yeah yeah hates mr greedy what a what a group to not like

I mean, I guess Garfield's a bit greedy.

He eats like entire stacks of lasagna.

Yeah.

Just like, you know, he puts them in his mouth, puts them away.

Beeves and Butthead aren't greedy, though.

I don't think they are.

Billy and Ted, I don't think they're associated with any particular food, but then they've got in common, you know, they're kind of like

90s airhead duos, aren't they?

She doesn't like pals, young male pals from the 90s.

The MTV generation, I don't think, sit very well with her.

Great.

That was great.

I love that episode, James.

Didn't say wantons.

Didn't say wontons.

Didn't say tons.

So it remains in the restaurant, gets to have the meal.

Yeah, I mean,

no complaints here.

No complaints.

I know, I'm thinking I might be getting that corned beef pie soon now.

I'm

nudging my mum about it.

Yeah, you keep nudging your mum.

My mum actually did text me back again.

Yeah.

Because she said,

she said, like,

why do you want this?

She said, have you recently discovered corned beef?

I said, yes.

She said, goodness, where did you have it?

Not at a restaurant, surely.

I said, it's just been bought up on the off-menu podcast.

And she said, of course, bet the posh boy has never had it what

and then she put a little smiley face because she's being cheeky tell her i used to have corned beef sandwiches ed used to have corned beef sandwiches and i bet she will reply before we've even done this outro yeah corned beef and pickle i used to have in my sandwiches at school corned beef and pickle i'll add and pickle i used to eat the morning break and then sneak in for um school lunch for the posh boy she never called you the posh boy before no i've never called you that bit mean it's because she knows i'm here with you now yeah yeah yeah and that i'll tell you She's having a laugh.

She's being cheeky, like you were cheeky when you hazed her about the ice cream.

I'm going to keep hazing her.

Thank you very much to Alex for coming in.

Watch the one show, I guess, is the plug.

Immediately with a plug.

Yeah, there we go.

With a smiley face.

Yes.

Yeah.

Hasn't backed down on it.

I don't know.

Hasn't retracted it.

She's a bit.

In fact, it's a bigger smiley face now.

Yeah.

And then she's put not as posh as I thought.

With two exclamation men.

There you go.

Love it.

I'm on tour in Australia and New Zealand.

If you're listening to this one, I am on tour in Australia and New Zealand.

This is the first time on tour, Ed,

in these places.

First time I've been in Australia full stop.

Aussie, you were in for a treat.

Melbourne for two weeks, then going all over the place.

But I'm going to do a separate advert that Benito's going to put in.

So you will have heard that already.

Oh, nice.

Oh, do you say coppers in the advert?

Well, I've not done the advert yet.

Make sure you say coppers.

Yeah.

There are some adverts we do on the off-menu podcast that are just for the Australian audience, and we always say coppers in them.

So you won't know.

If you're not in Australia, you won't know this.

You will never heard those adverts.

But if you are in Australia, you will hear those.

And maybe one of you once messaged Benito, DM'd him on social media to ask why we said coppers so much in one of the adverts.

And do we know that's an Australian phrase?

Yeah.

So will I say coppers in the advert?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Listen out for that.

If you want to sell those tickets, I think you should.

Not sure.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

We will see you again next week.

Bye-bye.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.