Menus To Be Buried With - Judgement Day!

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

I normally do a fun foodie intro here, James, but this is a special episode, so everything's different.

Comic Relief and ACAST are teaming up again to bring your favorite podcasters together for the red noseday podcast mashup and raise money that makes a life-changing difference it's a crossover episode with brett goldstein in the for comic relief i said in the name of comic relief but that's it yeah no they have they have sanctioned us to do this yes they sanctioned us to do it it'd be the third time we've done it yes um menus to be buried with where brett's podcast films to be buried with is crossed over with our podcast off menu to make uh film questions that well but were about films but now they're about food Yes, and not always necessarily translated in the best way.

It's just sort of it's quite, you know, they don't really hold together, some of them.

But it's lovely to catch up with Brett, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a podcast mashup.

It's nice to catch up with Brett.

It's nice to work with Comic Relief.

Hopefully, we can all have a little bit of fun and learn how to donate along the way.

Yes, exactly, James.

Shall we get on with it?

Let's get on with it.

Hello, and welcome to Menus to Be Buried with Judgment Day.

It is I, Brett Goldstein, and I am rejoined for the third time by a

couple of absolute geezers.

One of them

has been touring the same show for 75 years.

The other one has been touring a show he didn't write any material for.

Please welcome to the podcast.

It's the brilliant Pet Prambles and the genie

There's no point us clapping we've realised over Zoom we we all clapped each other there but Zoom's cutting out the clapping isn't it Brett?

It is we we have to say things like clap or walk Why do you think this is why do you think it's a conspiracy?

Zoom doesn't want people clapping each other and being nice Zoom's trying to keep us all down so we won't meet up in person because we'll all feel so low we won't leave the house so we'll keep using Zoom for meetings.

that's why well last time we did one of these brett we did it on zoom but you were in england so i think it might be you who doesn't want to meet up with us yeah i forgot that happy comic relief you boys it's lovely to see you again lovely to see you always frustrating to see a man whose name begins with a certain letter drinking from a mug which has a completely different letter on it yes your your mug says a soap a brett

now tell me this let's have a quick let's have a quick catch up for the game It's been a while since we did a perfectly makes sense format of menus to be buried with.

Wow, Ped Brambles, you've been touring like a madman.

Yes, last year.

How's it been?

All fine.

All done now.

But then I've got to go to Australia and New Zealand to do it as well.

It's popping out.

It's the same show.

Well, it'd be some different bits.

I'll chop and change it because there's a lot of things that won't make sense to Australians.

Can you give me one example?

You don't have to do the bit, but subject-wise.

See BBs.

Yeah.

Doesn't translate.

I won't understand that.

Doesn't translate.

I'd have to say, say babies.

Learn to understand it.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Now, the genie, I've been fascinated by, as we know, you

aren't very good with audiences.

You tend to hate them.

You turn on them.

You see them as the bone of your existence.

So you've been doing a new show called Heckler's Welcome.

Yes.

Where you've been trying to change your feelings on this.

How's that been going?

Good, actually.

I've changed my feelings.

My feelings are steadily

changing.

It's a process.

This isn't the podcast for it, Brett.

This isn't the podcast.

This is the three lads mucking about podcasts.

I'm going to talk about my feelings.

And you know that this is just Brett setting you up to make fun of you, James.

Yes.

And then we know what's going to happen, don't we?

We do know what's going to happen because last time it happened.

What happened?

We all.

Oh, last time, Brett.

What happened?

How quickly we forget.

Last time.

I forgot.

All three of us were making fun back and forth of each other.

And then afterwards, you got on the blower to Benito and said, All right, Benito, a bit here.

Oh, can you take out all the bits that I said that were making fun of those two?

Because they sound really mean.

I don't want people to think I'm mean.

I want people to think I'm kind and believe.

And then they took all the stuff out that you said

and then didn't tell us that.

They didn't tell us that you'd made that request.

Yeah.

So all of our disses to you were still in there.

And we looked like a couple of bullies.

You call me.

listen, that's not bullying, that's just statements of facts.

That's someone who understands you talking to you.

Well, why did you, why did you ask?

Yeah, why don't you want the facts taken out?

Oh, those things got taken out, did they?

Yeah, because you asked, you asked for it and it would be taken out.

Well, I'd say reinstate them, let the court see I was talking to a person with understanding and empathy, kind of belief.

Pet Brambles and the genie, you have died again

because it is now judgment day.

You stand on the edge.

You stand on the edge of

heaven and hell.

You must tell me the best and worst thing that you did in this lifetime and answer some questions about food stuff.

In the end, I will decide whether you get to go to heaven or hell.

Make sense, young men?

Yes, thank you.

Can I ask a quick question at this point, please?

Yeah, absolutely.

We've both done this format separately and alone when it's about films

and had to come up with our best and worst thing.

I struggle to do that anyway.

Should this be some best and worst thing we've done together?

I love it that me and Ed have to agree on the best thing we've done together and the worst thing we've done together.

That's great.

Yeah, this will be interesting because let's see.

Let's see what happens.

I'm not going to pass judgment yet.

That's what we're here for.

because i forgot when i did the podcast by myself i forgot about this bit until you said it and then i had to come up with something on the spot and it wasn't very good you were the best answer that i've had on this that's true actually uh for those of you who haven't heard the episode ed's best thing he ever did was marry his wife and the worst thing was relentlessly cheat on her yeah that's true

i can't let sentiment hang in the air for too long

So what's the best and worst thing you two have done together?

Now it's becoming clear I'm using this to just shift all the bait all the stuff onto James.

Oh, well, I thought you had an answer.

No way, man.

I respect you for

it along with this because I thought you only had one pretty many to go.

I didn't have to think of it.

No, I thought you could think of it for me.

Well, so the best thing that Ed and I have done together,

it may not have been a constantly fun experience, but the thing that I felt was the biggest achievement was when Ed and I went on the run together.

Yes.

Because we really bonded together, banded together, and bonded, but banded and bonded together.

Yes.

Because like, look, when we went on the run, Benito confided in

his employees and he said to them, well, that's the end of the podcast.

Because these two are going to fall out, and then that's it.

Wow.

And then we came back off the run

and he was like, how'd it go?

You falling out?

The podcast over.

And we're like, no, actually.

No, not at all.

We didn't fall out because we both went into it knowing what the other one needed support-wise.

We knew what the other one's limits would be and like when their need to just be left alone for a bit.

We did that with each other.

It felt really good by then.

I was like, you know what?

I mean, I already knew this guy's my friend.

But by the end, I was like, man, friendship test passed.

We did it.

That's an excellent story.

When you say you know what each other needed, what's Ped Bramble's primary need, do you think?

Just give him some time, give him some space.

They're trying to make it stressful deliberately.

That's what they're trying to get.

He's reaching his limit.

Don't stir the pot.

Don't keep it.

Don't go, oh, Ed, are you okay?

All the time in his fight.

Just step back, baby.

Talk to the camera guy for a bit.

Let Ed walk it off.

And that happened.

And Ed was the same with me.

Whenever I was like, clearly, oh man, he'd just go, okay, just leave him alone for a bit.

Similar needs, actually.

Yeah, yeah, it's very similar.

Yeah.

Just a bit of space.

And then I had to whack James off in his sleeping bag.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, he's got that's quite a specific need from the genius.

Yeah, well, you know, ask and they'll shall receive.

What's the worst thing you ever did together other than the sleeping bag incident?

Relentlessly cheat on Ed's wife.

When I marry my wife, she marries my friends as well.

So they're not allowed to have any other relationships.

Yes.

It's complicated, isn't it?

Yes.

You know, you're in Hollywood.

Yeah, you're in.

I also married your wife.

I married your wife for the green card so i could work out here and i was doing

cheat on that yeah i know makes no sense makes no sense

she literally came to me what i realized after i'd married her i was like oh she's dumb me right up she's a fucking green card she just made a green card yeah yeah i went to the airport it didn't work

they said no you're just you're you're still a tourist i was like

there's nothing quite like red nose day that time when we come together bring the laughs and raise life-changing money whatever you can do this year you'll be part of something amazing that's helping people through the toughest times of their lives in the UK and around the world and helping them to break free from poverty.

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Donations will help to fund organisations providing essential support, including blankets, food, water and medical supplies.

Red Nose Day has always been a time to spread a bit of joy.

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right well your best and worst are interesting but I can't decide.

Hmm, perhaps we should talk about some foodstuffs to help me with my decision.

What is the meal that you had when you were too young to have it that affected you the most?

Now, for those of you who might be listening to this crossover for the first time, it's the third time we've done it.

And what we do is we take Brett's questions from his podcast, Film to Be Buried With, and just put food in where it should be films.

So they don't always work.

But I think this one works, Brett.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree too.

What's your answer?

Well, I'd say every meal when I was young was a meal that I was too young to have it because I was a little posh gourmond child.

Can you give me an example?

Yeah, man.

Examples fly in your way.

I always refused to have the kids' menu, so I'd always have to have what the grown-ups were having.

And then once I went to a wedding when I was a little boy, and they had all separate food for the children.

on a different table, but I didn't want that.

And there was a big argument over whether I could have the adults' food.

I was probably about seven or eight, and it all kicked off.

And in the end, they agreed.

And that was the first time I had poached salmon.

Wow.

Delicious?

I've never had poached salmon.

Absolutely delicious.

You make it like an egg.

Yeah, you crack the salmon in into the pan.

Pour it in.

Yeah, spin it around.

You've got to put the salmon in the whirlpool.

It goes mad.

And then it's delicious.

Yeah.

You loved it as a kid, all this stuff, did you?

Oh, I loved it.

I mean, by that point, there'd been so many arguments that I was like, you better like this, you little shit.

Otherwise, it's going to be a disaster and you're going to have to go and eat chicken Goujons with the rest of the losers.

Even that would have been posh for me.

Goujons?

Yeah.

I meant nuggets.

Oh, yeah.

What about you, the genie?

What's the food you ate when you were too young to have it that affected you the most?

This story gets told every time we see a certain family friend who was there for it and she always brings it up.

When I was a little kid, my parents made a curry, and they thought it wasn't very hot, but it was really hot.

But the rule in our house was that you didn't get dessert unless you ate the main course.

I knew that going in, so I was really powering through it.

And apparently, for the whole thing, so I was like, you know, I was like seven or six or something.

And for the whole thing, I was going,

like that out of my mouth, and blowing.

But I kept on going,

it's very nice, mummy.

Thank you.

And like eating this curry and just absolutely just dying.

Also, we never knew what the dessert was going to be.

We just knew it was dessert.

So we never found out until the end that sometimes it was something awful, like natural yogurt.

And then you'd be really gutted.

I can't remember what the dessert was that day, but that's how much I loved dessert.

Is that I was like, whatever it is, I want it.

So I'm going to eat this curry that is actually

the temperature of the sun.

It's very, very hot.

Natural yoghurt probably would have helped.

That would have been most on that occasion.

That would have been brilliant if it was natural yogurt.

That's a very sweet story.

And I haven't heard you go

since Ed waked you off in a sleeping bag.

If you could eat one meal in a film, which one would it be?

What?

Yeah, that makes sense actually.

Yeah, it does.

It does make sense.

We've discussed this now and again, I can't remember whether we've discussed it on one of these.

We talked about Studio Ghibli a lot.

Yes.

There's been

a lot of meals in films that we've talked about quite frequently.

I want to eat the

taco from the menu that prints all your bunk details on it.

Still not seen the link.

Do you want the bank taco?

Yeah.

I want the bank taco or just like, yeah, stuff from my personal documents printed on a taco.

Because I wouldn't be creeped out by that.

I'd be like, what a lot of attention the kitchen have gotten to to hack my account.

And there's all my bank details.

I'd love that.

Yeah.

They've really done their homework.

Yeah, exactly.

And you're going to eat it.

What's the big deal?

Yeah, exactly.

Yum, yum.

You're not leaving your bank details hanging around you're gonna eat it no yeah exactly what about you the genie i think i've said in the past that the banquet the feast from hook

uh and the bangerang isn't that imaginary though yes but they make it look so those kids are so good at acting when they're eating it and it's invisible still and they're just imagining it they're so good at doing it it looks delicious i'm like oh man like because robin robbin williams is looking at them like look at his lips and be like oh

what you're eating there chief or whatever and they calls him Chief in Goodwill Hunting.

But like, he looks like really hungry because the kids are so good at miming.

So I always think like that food.

But also, any food that Brad Pitt eats in a film, he really makes it look delicious.

But it is every film.

He eats like an animal, Brad Pitt.

He's really like disgusting the way he eats.

He's because

he's not eating off camera.

Yeah, exactly.

That's so true, Ped.

He loves it when he reads a script and he goes, oh, I'm going to get to have a dinner.

Yeah.

Just fully goes, eats a hot dog, but like, so metally that's why whenever whenever they break for lunch you hear him go ah

yeah so maybe i would do that the banquet at hook but i want brad pitt there he'd eat all the food you'd have nothing there'd be nothing left for you no but it's all mime so there's like loads of food there you'd be like this with a with a hot dog and he'd be like

and he'd take your hot dog you'd be like brad well that'd be funny that'd be good fun if if if every time i was miming eating some food brad pitt swooped in and ate it out my hands

what is the worst date you ever had at a meal?

Jeannie, let's start with you because I know you'll love this question.

Oh, yeah?

I'll love it.

This is right up your street.

It's a very easy answer, this one.

I think I was,

I still hadn't ever really been on a proper date, still lived back home.

How old were you?

I would have been, I don't know, 17, something like that.

I was pretty late to the date game, Brett.

And I remember turning up this this place that this is like a, it was a pub, but it did food in Ketron.

Wasn't many options.

And agreed to meet someone there.

Can you give me a bit of info about the woman involved without naming her?

A friend of a friend, you know, her and her mates were always at the pub, and we were at the pub.

Anyway, I turned up at the pub for our food, and she was hammered.

She was there before me, and she was absolutely hammered.

I remember we walked around the block a couple of times.

She was like, oh, if I go for a walk, I'll sober up.

Oh, she was like, I'm sorry, I'm.

I'm oh, yeah, she was like, she's like,

I'm fucked.

She was like, I'm fucked.

I was nervous about the date, and I've just, I got here, I got here early, and I'm absolutely fucked.

I was like, okay,

let's go for a walk.

Walked around the block twice, and by the end, she went, it's not going to happen.

I was like, right, okay.

I put her in a cab home and then just walked back to my house on my own.

That was going to be my first date.

I guess it wasn't.

Rita, I married her.

She sounds amazing.

Are you still in friends with her?

No.

No, I don't think I ever really saw her or spoke to her again since.

That was it, which is quite quite impressive in Karen to avoid someone.

Yeah.

My worst date story is exactly the same, except she didn't acknowledge that she was absolutely off her fucking head and was also, it turned out, an incredibly angry drunk.

And I was just stuck with an angry drunk who within five minutes started a fight with the waiter and then said to the waiter, pointing at me like he'll beat you up

and I said to the waiter I absolutely will not I barely know

how this has happened

Ped Prambles worst date you ever had little from column A little from column B devastatingly similar

at university I agreed to meet a girl for drinks and a meal I arrived and she clearly had maybe a bottle of wine plus before she'd got there.

And then obviously we had a drink and then she went to the toilet and and she was in there for 20 minutes.

So obviously I'm thinking she's left, but she hasn't.

She came tottering out, carried on drinking, completely refused to believe that she was drunk.

Then insisted we go to a nightclub.

She was basically just on a drunken tear and I was following her around holding her bag and stuff.

And then we went to the nightclub.

She went to the toilet again for, I'd say, half an hour

to the point where I had to sort of ask girls coming out of the toilet, have you seen this person in there?

And they were like, no, the cubicle's locked, though.

I was like, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

So, I'm like, and then the bouncer came over, the female bouncer came over and was like, Why are you standing by the girls' toilets talking to girls as they come out?

I'm like, Well, someone I know is in there.

She's like, I'll go and check.

And she said, Yeah, yeah, I've just seen her legs come out from underneath the cubicle.

Um, so then, yeah, obviously, had to help her home, popped her in her room.

Lovely date.

So, sounds great.

What does it say about the three of us that we are so intimidating slash ugly that all the women we've been on date with be like i've got to get hammered before i meet up with them yeah well even worse brett you would not believe the amount of girls that i snogged when i was a teenager um who turns out they were so drunk that they were literally immediately sick straight after kissing me

one of them in a kitchen sink

What you kissed by the sink, she turned, puked in the sink, carried on kissing.

We weren't right by the sink, although I should have done that because it had happened before.

No, we were kissing and then she was like, and then sort of stopped kissing, and then just runs, run to the sink, and was sick.

And I won't pretend that we didn't kiss after.

Yeah, no, don't pretend.

Why would you?

How do you, how do you, how do you have self-esteem if that was a relentless thing?

It's very, you're very impressive, mentally very impressive.

There's an obvious answer to that question, brett.

Look at his profession.

Do no have self-esteem.

Oh, you

ever heard the one about the comedian who had good self-esteem

If you could live in the world of one meal, which would it be?

Or if that doesn't make sense to you, which single meal would you have forever if I put a gun to your head and said you have to have a single meal forever?

Well, let's see.

If I could live in the world of one meal.

Yeah.

I guess the movie of my life, Brett, would be called Cloudy with a Chance of Chorizo broccoli pasta.

I mean, this was always going to be an easy answer for James, to be honest.

Very easy.

See, I would love it if I was in the cloudy chance of meatballs world, but it was raining chorizo broccoli pasta all the time.

That's a lovely answer, Jeannie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Do you want to know mine?

Yeah.

I think the meal that I could eat in any I've taken this question to mean in any conditions, like no, throughout the year, and I'll never get bored of it.

And it's

ramen, any weather, any time of year.

Any specific ramen?

Look, there's a lot of good ramen in London, but some of the best ramen I ever had, obviously Japan.

I had ramen at 9 a.m.

in Tokyo Airport when I was flying home from Japan.

Wow.

And I didn't think it was going to be a breakfast food, but that proves the adaptability of ramen.

I had fantastic ramen in Tokyo Airport just before we took off.

Fantastic.

And I love it in hot weather because it's like almost like, you know, like a hot cup of tea is good in hot weather.

Supposedly, yeah.

Because it like flushes you out.

Cools Cools you down.

Yeah, cools you down.

Yeah.

So it's like that acts in the same way.

And it's great in cold weather, obviously, as well.

So yeah, it's got to be ramen, Brett.

In Tokyo Airport, were you eating this ramen on the move with bags?

Or was that?

No, no, no, no.

We popped it.

I was on the back of one of those buggies.

That's what they use them for in Japan.

Everywhere in the Western world, they use those buggies for people who can't get around.

In Japan, it's if you've got a big bowl of ramen, it was fucking splashing all over me.

It was awful.

Burning my legs.

And then I kissed my wife and she was sick.

sick

and then you flew home to cheat on her with other people who were also sick what a life yes what is your favorite children's meal now ped you might find this difficult having never had one

is it poked salmon yeah i mean it may as well be for me like i hate all that stuff and that's really hung up that's hung over like i probably prefer that sort of stuff now but even like nuggets, chips and beans, all of that beige stuff, absolutely horrible.

I don't know why we decided decided that's what kids like.

Because it's horrible stuff.

It should be stuff to make them grow well, right?

But for some reason, kids' food is all mashed up chicken in a breaded dinosaur shape and stuff.

No, thank you.

All right, Jamie Oliver.

Leave with the propaganda.

I completely agree with Jamie Oliver.

So do I.

About everything.

So do I.

On all subjects.

I do like onion rings, though.

Oh, yeah.

I like shit onion rings from Frozen.

Like the ones that don't really, really taste like onion.

What other shit food do you like then ped I don't mind fish fingers now and again I have a fish finger fish finger sandwich is that shit

that's my answer is it fish fingers chips and peas that's a lovely meal and that's someone who couldn't doesn't know anything about food yeah sounds like a good meal to me you had a film Brett coming up or and you were like not eating all day and then you had a scene where you ate like Brad Pitt would you be like can I have fish fingers chips and peas yeah yeah that does happen when you it's always a nightmare when you have a scene where it's like, they're at dinner, and then someone will call you and go, what would you like the dinner to be?

And you're like, oh, God.

Protein shake.

How many times are we going to have to eat it?

You're playing Joel Dommit.

I'd love it if you're in a film in like a posh restaurant and suddenly there's a shot where it's clear that you're eating fish fingers, chips and peas.

Oh, this is absolutely delightful.

But yeah, I don't know.

What else is on a kid's menu?

What do people love on a kid's menu?

Little hamburger, little

cheeseburger,

turkey dinosaurs.

Yeah, fish fingers.

I tell you what we used to get at school lunches, which is spaghetti bolognese.

Yeah, I tell you what we used to get at school dinners, which I shouldn't have had because we weren't paying for

just the side of Italian food here now.

I'm thinking of a bowl of lucky charms.

Oh, fuck off, America.

Yeah,

look at him.

Lucky charms.

Didn't take you long, did it?

Drop the Kool-Aid.

Oh, come on you as well.

It's LucasAid and Rice Krispies.

Those ribs, those reformulated ribs

that are just like a big strip of like, of just horrible meat, but they put the little bits in it, the sort of little cut-out bits to make it look like a rib.

And they cover it in that sweet sauce.

Love it.

Oh, I love that.

You're talking about a mcrib, the best food.

Yeah, it tastes like a McRib, but they used to do those at our school, which I'll try and make this point again.

I didn't pay for school dinners.

I used to eat my pat lunch in morning break and then go and steal school dinner.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Every month, nearly 2 million people across the UK are skipping meals because they can't afford to buy enough food.

With no way out, they're going without.

Putting their kids first, making impossible decisions, choosing a warm home over a warm meal.

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Your donation will help people who are facing the toughest times times of their lives and help them to break free from poverty.

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We know times are tough, but millions of people in the UK and across the world need you, need us, now more than ever.

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What is the meal that you didn't think you would like, but you ended up loving?

Pred.

These things are very rare for me.

I like most things.

You've got a positive attitude going into food, don't you?

I do.

I hated celery for a long time.

So the first time I had celery again, I thought I'm going to hate this.

It's when I had some buffalo chicken wings.

With the celery and the blue cheese, which I don't know how, I don't know what the point is of that.

i don't know how how you're supposed to do that whether you're supposed to balance something on the celery or dip it in the blue cheese but then what you why are the chicken wings there but i thought i'm going to absolutely hate celery and you know what i loved it so fresh so crunchy so delicious and it helps that there was blue cheese and chicken wings next to it but to to disguise the taste of the celery but now i don't mind the taste of celery a lovely snack celery sure peanut butter but celery celery nutella Celery.

Yes, exactly.

Celery.

Put the celery in the bin and eat a block of cheese.

Lovely celery.

What about you, Beginny?

Well, I was a kid.

My mum made a Thai fish soup.

And at the time, as far as I was concerned, I didn't really like soup.

Soup was boring.

And I definitely didn't want a fish soup.

And I thought that sounds awful.

And it was one of my favourite meals now.

When we go home, I'll request it because it's just delicious.

It's got the coconut milk in it.

I hadn't had coconut milk in a soup before.

Didn't know how good that could be.

Big chunks of salmon in there, prawns, loads of veg,

vegetables.

Thank you for explaining what's what veg is short for in England.

Right, okay, cool.

I know you don't.

I thought it was another fish or something.

Loads of veg.

Where do you get those?

You go into your writer's room this morning and you pitch veg.

You pitch that as a word in a script over there and see what they say.

I don't know.

You're talking about lucky charms and stuff now.

I don't know if you'll know what veg is.

They've got cod and veg.

What?

I think Brett's talking about vaginas again.

Oh, Brett, come on, man.

Come on.

Give it a rest for two seconds.

And in front of him is loads of veg.

Do you mean actresses, Brett?

You're on your last warning.

Come, Dean.

He's just chowing down on the veg.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

But that's what, yeah.

That Thai fish soup, man, the best.

The best.

Lovely answers from both of you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now to the question I'm most interested in, and I believe your listeners are.

What is the single most erotic meal you've ever had?

Let's start with the genie.

No, let's start with Ped, because I know...

The genie likes foreplay and he'll want to build up to it.

Do you mean the experience of the meal or the meal itself?

You interpret it how you want, but what I...

Because I've had penis pasta before, but I wouldn't say that was necessarily erotic.

Then that's not your answer, but thank you for letting us.

When were you having the old penis pasta?

Was that a Hannibal Lecter's House?

I bought it.

No,

it wasn't like a penis sauce.

It was the pasta itself was in the shape of little peanut.

You can get loads of that sort of stuff.

Once,

there's a place in London.

I don't know if it's open anymore.

But

well, it used to be somewhere else.

I think it was like a place that did tea that Charlie really liked.

My wife.

Yeah, we know who Z is.

We're all tea, you know.

And we went to where the tea place was, and it had been replaced by a shop that exclusively sell dick-shaped ice creams.

Wow.

How do you do that?

I don't know if it's still open, but it was

all different flavours, different sizes.

Yeah.

Wow.

Could have them dipped in stuff.

It was very funny that a place that meant quite a lot to it was replaced by a dick-shaped ice cream shop that was a real slap in the face dipped in veg so what's your most erotic meal because that doesn't sound that erotic well i don't know i'd say the more i get through a meal um because i tend to eat a lot the less erotic everything becomes yes

i can't eat myself out of being horny

quite easily And I know, you know, in films when people are eating a meal and they'll be like, oh, and it'll just, the whole feeling will overcome them and they'll have to stop eating the meal to go and go and shag.

That's never happened to me.

No.

The love of food has never been outweighed by the love of sex.

No, I'm never going to leave a restaurant halfway through a meal.

If I've cooked something, I'm not going to let it go cold.

Also, if I've cooked, which I guess in the home is probably, you know, you could probably make that quite erotic because, you know, you're near a place where you can do it, right?

But if I've cooked, I tend to kill the mood by just constantly asking questions about how much they're enjoying it.

Interesting.

Very, very interesting.

I mean, I I guess for me, as someone who, you know, doesn't understand basic sort of how to eat stuff, the idea of like eating a big meal and then going straight to sex, I'd just be worried about Windy Pops.

Do you know what I mean?

I'd just be like, oh, hang on.

What about the old Windy Pops?

What about you, the genie?

Does a packet of crisps count as a meal?

I don't know.

You need to tell me w what's the context of this crisps.

When I was 13,

me and some friends

watched American Pie for the first time and I was eating a packet of crisps while watching it.

It's very sexy.

Did you fuck the packet of crisps?

I would have, if the moon was empty, I would have fucked anything because that film was so sexy, man.

I'd never seen anything that sexy until that point in my life.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing in that.

Yeah.

Your remake is called English Crisps, and it's just you banging a load of walkers.

Yeah.

Still, Eugene Levy, for some reason.

He comes in and

finds James.

Explains the crisps.

What's that noise?

So much crunching upstairs.

Oh, Jesus.

Your ice cream dick's cut to ribbons.

Actually, it should be Gary Lineker, shouldn't it?

Playing Euje.

Yeah, it should be him going still trying to steal the crisps off my dick.

Is that because earlier in the film, someone's told me, I've been like, what's it like?

And they've been like, it's like.

It's like a dry packet of crisps.

It's like fucking a pack of salt and vinegar crisps.

You'll feel very sore afterwards.

Which meal you don't care about as a whole meal has a single food within it that you love?

Genie.

That's you.

It's a very difficult one.

But I would say I'm not that bothered, even though I'm a dessert boy, not that bothered about chocolate fudge cake.

Find it a bit boring.

Wow.

Chocolate fudge cake.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

But when it has a scoop of ice cream, I love ice cream.

So I would say the scoop of ice cream and a chocolate fudge cake and ice cream that's the most shocking thing you've ever said i know

about you to find that outrageous well you got to remember like i love dessert so much that when it is a dessert menu i really want to find something special something that i really love and chocolate fudge cake they're ten a penny they're on most ones when you have a really really good one sure it's delicious But it's very rare that you get one that's a showstopper.

They're mainly done to like mid-level quality, and they just sling them on the menu.

And when you do have it, you're like, yeah, I'm getting the sugar in my body, but at what cost?

Very interesting and surprising answer.

Thank you.

Insightful.

What about you, Ped Bramblers?

See, weirdly, I'm kind of similar, but for a different thing.

So I'm not really a fan of sweet baked goods, the actual baked bit.

So like cake, plain cake, the actual sponge, I'm not that interested in.

Chocolate sponge, a little bit more.

Like cupcakes, the actual cake bit, not that interested.

It's all about the icing icing and the toppings, right?

So I'll happily slice off the top of a cupcake and just eat the icing.

I don't need the ballast of the sponge.

But then also, I'm kind of like that with, if you want to take this as my answer, Brett, something like a fish pie or a shepherd's pie, if it's got cheese on the top of it, all I really want to do is eat the cheese off the top, not bothered about anything else.

Do you think quite a lot of your answers have involved getting rid of the food and having cheese?

Do you think that actually you just like cheese?

I know I like cheese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And cheese can improve most things, but then

I just think, why not just go fool Charlotte Church and have a plate of cheese?

Yeah.

I didn't know this about her.

Yeah, she when she was a kid, her special family meal was putting grated cheese on a plate and putting it under the grill.

And then eating it.

Oh, that's great.

Cheese on a plate.

I like cheese on a plate.

And then James ruined the interview.

No, don't tell Brett.

This is the worst person to tell.

Tell me.

I didn't ruin it.

It went well.

It went well.

He started saying he was imagining Charlotte Church under a waterfall.

No, listen.

I didn't say to her, I'm imagining you under a waterfall.

What did you say, the genie?

Charlotte Church said she wanted water from a waterfall.

And she said, I want to go to a waterfall with a cup and get the water.

And you said, I'd like to imagine you under that.

I said,

are you going to stand next to the waterfall

and put the cup under?

Or do you stand under it and gather it in the cup?

And I wasn't thinking.

And as soon as I said that, both her and Ed were like, what a dirty, grubby little boy.

I was like, no, I was just thinking that I would like to stand under it and got

catch it all in the cup.

I wasn't thinking about

wet t-shirts.

I was desperate.

And listeners won't be able to see this.

He went, or do you want to be under the waterfall?

Like,

that's what that is.

I didn't do that.

Beth, I didn't do it.

And then you thought you'd make it

less perverted by going, no, no, no.

I want to be under the waterfall as well.

Catch it.

No, I'm touching you.

No, I didn't say that to her.

It wasn't me being under there with her.

Who was it?

Oh, the genie.

The genie, your character that lets you touch women.

Yes, I get it.

No, no, I was no.

I was saying...

Puck dumbs or bread.

I'll touch you.

No, no, not that.

I was saying that if I was getting water from a waterfall with a cup of it.

On my own, on my own, I would want to stand under the waterfall and do it.

Waiting for Charlotte Church to turn up in her tiny bikini that you were going to do.

How easy life is if you can just write in your own little pervy bits at the end and make everyone look like a grubster.

I'm a good boy.

Kind and believe.

What is the meal that stayed with you the longest after eating it?

I mean, make of that what you will.

I've got one.

Yeah.

Nashville, Tennessee.

It was a big change in my diet.

I was there for a week filming something and it stayed with me physically the longest.

All of the southern food blocked me up.

Didn't go for a full toilet for the full week.

I think it was nerves as well because we were shooting a pilot for something.

and I was nervous and all the food was quite heavy and stodgy.

And then we finished shooting the pilot and we were all going to go out for a drink afterwards.

I went back to the hotel and my whole body relaxed and I went for my first poo in a week.

I was like, oh, thank God for that.

And then I went back into my hotel room about five minutes later.

I went, I think I need to go to the toilet again.

Went for another full, full poo.

Went back into the hotel room.

I was like, well, at least that's over.

And then my body went, no, you need to go again.

And that happened seven times in a row.

Wow.

The whole week's worth.

Seven days' worth in seven poos.

Yes.

That's a lovely story.

But that's a long time for a meal to stay with you.

And it happened to me in Japan as well.

A lot happened in Japan.

Well, not a lot happened in Japan when it came to toilet time.

That annoyed me because the toilets are so good.

Yeah.

What a waste.

When did it all come out?

It was like seven or eight days, I think.

And then there's not a...

jet of water strong enough to clean that.

Sorry about that, everyone.

The genie, what's your answer to this?

A more wholesome answer.

But

when I was, I think, 13.

I think I was 13 in another story I've told.

We went abroad for the first time as a family to France.

And there was a posh man in the village where we lived anyway.

And he was like, I've got a chalet in the Alps, you can stay there.

So that was a really big deal for us.

Very excited about it.

You were 13, and a man said, Come and stay in my chalet.

No, no.

I was 13, but I had a family.

And before we left for the holiday, I met him in the village that we lived in, just outside of Ketterin, which we'd moved to

recently at this point in my life.

From where?

From Ketterin.

To Ketterin.

A posh man said, if you're going to France on holiday, stay at my chalet for a weekend beforehand.

Big deal for us.

Went there.

And he said, go to this place for dinner.

It's very nice.

And we went there and it was a really tiny, tiny place run by this couple who had a big dog called Snoopy, who had massive dreadlocks.

This dog was just walking around.

These stories are very on-brand for us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's us, family of five from England, an Italian family and a French couple in there, and that was it.

And it worked that they just kept on bringing out courses and they were very like basic, rustic courses.

But this couple who ran the place just kept on bringing stuff out.

One of the courses I remember was like just a hot plate and you cooked your own meat on it.

Dessert was just like a whole tub of Neapolitan ice cream with a scoop.

And they go, there you go, just fill your boots.

Which, obviously, as a 13-year-old, I was like in absolute heaven, couldn't believe that.

It doesn't sound like they cooked any of this meal.

Yeah, I don't think they really bothered with it, but it was so great.

Like, just emptied their fruits.

We loved how full we were afterwards.

We'd never like had so many courses before.

And we talked, we still talk about it now as a family and how great the meal was.

I mean, at one point, they did ask each table to like sing a song from their country, and they asked us to sing Long Way to Tipperary.

So

we sang that as a family to everyone else.

Particularly memorable when you came back from that meal and found the Poshman hiding under your bed.

What is your problem, mate?

I tell you a wholesome story about my childhood.

And you put an old man under my bed at the end.

How were your shits after the meal?

Yeah, good question.

Thank you.

They were lovely, I think.

I think they were lovely.

They're making you sing a song from your.

I,

around Christmas, was at a very nice place on holiday, and it was very nice and we were having breakfast and then there was this and I'd particularly gone to breakfast because there was going to be like a gospel choir there and you know I love my gospel and they were singing and it was great and then they suddenly stopped and said one by one we're going to go around the table and everyone's going to do a little bit and it took ages for this to happen I was so stressed that the meal was ruined I was so, it was like probably half an hour before it finally got to me and all I had to say was like, rings!

You know what I mean?

It was like the 12 days of Chris whatever but I was just like well you've ruined this meal now because I've got a fucking do of turn

so was this recently Brett when was this I know a couple of years ago was has had Ted Lasso started yeah so could but wouldn't people have been more excited if you'd just gone oh fuck off yeah you can do that now you can't do that to a gospel client can you yeah I thought they know Ted Lasso so say first

when it gets to you go do you know Ted Lasso and when they go yes you you go, well, fuck off.

And then they'll be like, oh, brilliant.

Yeah.

They'll go, praise Jesus.

Yeah, praise Jesus for Roy Kent.

But what if I go, do you know Ted Lasso?

And they go, no.

And then I go, oh,

rings.

Exactly.

That would be great.

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What is the meal that made you feel better about the world?

Are you Ped?

This is a tricky one isn't it?

Because

although I'd say most meals make me feel pretty good about the world if it's really nice, if you have a really good meal you think, oh boy, everything's all right really, isn't it?

Yeah.

So in a way you just asked me what's the best meal I've had.

Okay.

It's the best meal you've had.

I don't know.

Well, it's a very difficult question because obviously, when you think about feeling better about the world,

it's like they just remind you of the stuff that's wrong with the world.

And a lot of what's wrong with the world is just like uneven distribution of wealth and poverty.

So then you think feeling better about the world because I ate a meal is pretty awful.

So actually, I think this is impossible.

Oh, lasagna.

Yeah, lasagna.

I mean, what a lovely positive take on that question, Degini.

Thank you.

Which is your favourite ingredient in a meal?

Salt.

Lovely answer.

Very good answer.

It's got to be salt.

Imagine a meal without salt.

I can't.

Lucky charms without salt is not worth eating.

They do have salt in them, though, I'm sure.

The most important thing in my kitchen, most important ingredient, if we are calling it an ingredient, I think we should.

I've got a big pot of salt, a big pot of flaky salt, and anything I'm cooking, it has its place on the shelves with all the other condiments and seasonings, but it's barely on there because it just sits on the work surface because I'm just pinching salt into stuff all the time.

It's so important.

So, salt.

Salt and fat are two of the most important things in cooking.

And acid and heat.

And well, I did I could have salt and fat.

I'm not bothered about acid and heat necessarily.

I don't really understand.

What's your answer, Genie?

I'd probably say at the minute, probably ginger.

At the minute, I absolutely love when I can really, really taste the ginger in a meal.

Yeah.

Had a really adorable moment recently where my parents visited and we went to a cafe near me.

And they'd never had ginger shots before.

My parents, they saw them on the menu and they said,

what is that?

I was like, you'll love them.

Ordered us some.

They did love them.

At the end, my dad said to another grown man who ran the cafe as he was paying.

My dad went, those ginger shots were nice.

And the guy was like, oh, good.

And my dad went, I love ginger to him.

And the guy went, I love it too.

And my dad went, three things that you can't cook without.

Ginger, chili, garlic.

And the guy went, I'd agree.

I absolutely agree with all that.

I love all three of those.

And then they talked back and forth about how much they loved ginger, chili, and garlic.

And it was so cute and adorable.

And they really bonded.

They agreed on all three of them.

Should they start a podcast of Menu Plus 30 or something?

They could be a spinner.

If they had a podcast called Ginger, Chili, Garlic,

I think they could talk.

They wouldn't need guests.

I think every week, the two of them going back and forth and going, I love ginger.

I love ginger too.

Ginger, chili, and garlic.

Oh, yes, please.

At one point, I think they got onto Harissa, I think, and my dad said, Harissa's great.

Put it in your dinner, sort it.

And

the guy was like, Yes,

I love it.

And they did the little mime as well and put it in his dinner.

Does your dad cook?

Not really.

This whole conversation he had was absolute bullshit.

Yeah, yeah.

He'll add Harissa to a meal that my bab's already cooked.

Right, I see, I see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, a dog's just coming in.

Oh, hello, Toast.

Oh.

There's a dog coming.

This dog loves comic relief, don't you?

Toast loves comic relief, don't you, Toast?

Any word for the listeners, Toast?

No.

Silent as ever.

It's got no words.

Whoa, fuck.

He nearly fell over.

It's half on me, half on Benito.

What meal inspired you to do something, the genie?

I know, Ped.

No, the format's fallen apart is all I was going to say.

Yes.

I think it's held pretty strong.

Yeah, it's done all right.

We've managed to wrestle quite a few things out of seemingly nothing.

I'd say this one will slightly work better than The Resurrection, if I may.

Yeah, no,

for me, this is the one that's worked the best format-wise.

Until we get to what meal inspired you to do something.

But then again, I felt the same with the question, what film inspired inspired you to do something

yeah so maybe i'm just not a very i've never been inspired to do anything no no i didn't understand that question when i was like and i'm always the first person to get asked the questions as well so you've not even road tested them with people yeah and i get asked what film inspired you to do something i'm like brit help me out what do people normally say i don't know you're the first one have you seen ted lasso well off yeah

shit rings okay so your your answer is nothing ever inspired either of you to do anything.

The most inspiring thing,

this is my whole family found it inspirational at a meal, was when my parents went out for a meal and they came home and they couldn't believe on one of their plates, one of the courses, there was a big lump of carrot that had been sculpted into the shape of a swan.

So they brought that home with them to

show us it.

And

we all thought it was incredible that someone had been able to do that.

So we didn't then go on and do it ourselves, but we found it inspiring just to know that that kind of thing existed in the world and people were sculpting carrots into swans.

I've been inspired to try and cook the thing at home.

That'll do.

I'll take it.

Cheese on a plate.

Cheese on a plate.

I'm inspired to do that.

Regularly, our podcast inspires James to go and cook things.

Sure.

Quite often he'll listen to someone saying, describing a recipe or something that they've cooked and he'll go, I'm going to do that tonight.

Yep, and I do it.

And sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't, but I'm always glad I gave it a go.

So, you know, Simon Amstel's uh aubergine dish, whatever, pasta, tried that, comes to mind.

You hated that, yeah, it was horrible.

It was pretty bad.

It was the only thing on his menu that sounded nice as well.

We have reached the end,

and now I can't decide whether to send you to heaven or hell.

One last thing: you can give me one food that is meaningful in the hope I will spare you from the pits of old hell, you bastards.

Which food?

Can it be a drink, Brett?

Okay.

I know you're an emotional guy.

You love sentiment.

You're going to love this.

I proposed to my wife in Japan.

That night we went to a robot show.

I think with Brett, you have to clarify that's not a sex thing.

It's not a sex thing.

Oh, okay.

A robot show isn't robots going at it.

It's just loads of robots.

And it's like a big dance thing.

It's very tacky.

It's a lot of fun.

And they're not fucking...

No one's fucking anyone no they for the fun i brought a little bottle of champagne to celebrate us getting engaged and i kept i kept the bottle so that's that's what i'd say you're gonna give it to me yeah it's lovely you can have the bottle as a memory of my love seems like someone wants to go to heaven what about you genie jesus well watching brett listen to that story i felt like i was watching a robot show

trying to

Trying to muster up some sort of emotion and feeling normally Brett is quite emotional, but it's because I prefaced it.

you know why you know why it's because my alarm's going off in the background and i was like what the fuck is that

so i was like oh he's telling a beautiful story and i've got to turn off a fucking alarm brett has an alarm for when he's supposed to be emotional yeah so emotion now gdee what's your what's your answer i think if it's heaven and hell I've got to really draw on my Christian upbringing here to know what the right answer will be for something meaningful food-wise.

So I would go full, kind of like, what would Jesus say?

And he would say like, a single mustard seed.

That's what he would say.

Single mustard seed.

For from that, you can grow bountiful.

I don't really like mustard.

A seed, then.

A single seed.

Yeah, but you picked mustard, and I don't like mustard.

Would Jesus say?

Okay.

Well, sadly, I'm going to have to separate you.

I've weighed up the evidence, and based on bloody mustard and your perverted ways,

Genie, you are going to hell.

Pet Brambles,

your kindness and complicated marriage have made me sympathetic to your unique place.

And you

shall also be going to hell because I think the genie won't cope without you.

I'm joking, you're going to heaven.

Yes.

Come on.

I don't know.

We'll think about it.

Perhaps I'll kill you both again and we'll see what happens in the future.

Good day.

Thanks, Brett.

Thank you for coming.

Well, there we are, James.

Another successful podcast mashup.

Men used to be buried with.

My brain is scrambled, man.

That mashup.

It's crazy every time.

But nice to hear, the lad.

Lovely to hear, Brett.

Lovely to hear that he's doing well.

Thank you very much to Brett for making time in his busy

schedule.

Schedule over there.

Oh, so sorry.

Schedule.

We respect him very much, and he's our hero.

Yes.

So if you think we were being mean to him in that episode, it was just a little joke.

Yeah, and if you think Brett didn't get as many jabs in at them, they're on the cutting room floor and we've been done again.

We've been done.

We've been done.

Stitched up like a kipper.

Absolutely done once again.

Well, thank you very much for listening.

Oh, no, Brett.

Well, thank you very much for listening.

We just had to stop there because Brett started doing his intro during our intro.

Yes.

We were about to say, please donate if you can.

Yeah.

Please donate if you can.

And then Brett spoke over it.

So that's the sort of guy he is.

Please donate if you can.

It's a brilliant cause.

Thank you very much for listening to the off-menu menus to be buried with with Brett Goldstein and us

podcast mashup in aid of coming relief.

Thank you bye.

Thank you bye.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.