Ep 182: Joe Cornish

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the sashimi of conversation, dipping it into the soy sauce of great humor, and then popping it in your mouth.

And that's the podcast.

And it's sushi because I had sushi last night.

Well, that sounds genuinely delicious.

That is Ed Gamble there.

My name is James A.

Caster.

We own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every week and we ask them their favorite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Joe Cornish.

Joe Cornish.

It's Joe Cornish finally completing the Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish double hit.

Yeah, you know, space it out.

You got to space it out.

You got to space it out.

Joe Cornish, of course, wonderful director, writer, also, you know, known for his work with Adam Buxton back in the day.

He's got so much on the old CV has Joe Cornish.

Yeah.

What a career.

And very excited to speak to him.

Very excited.

Joe what, I'm going to say before he gets here.

Joe what?

Joe what?

Lovely voice.

Very nice voice.

Something about his voice.

Yeah.

And Adam and Louis Ferrew, they all went to school together, right?

They've all got something about their voices.

Lovely.

Yeah, really nice.

Really nice.

So I'm hoping that he brings his nice voice with him today.

He'll bring the nice voice and also he's brought the nice TV show with him.

He's brought the nice TV show.

He's got a new TV show called Lockwood Co., which is out now on Netflix.

And it sounds so exciting, James.

In a world plagued by ghosts, where giant corporations employ psychic teens to battle the supernatural, only one company operates without adult supervision.

And its name is Lockwood Co., run by Anthony Lockwood, a rebellious young entrepreneur haunted by his mysterious past, his brilliant but eccentric sidekick George and newly arrived supremely gifted girl called Lucy.

This renegade trio are about to unravel a terrifying mystery that will change the course of history.

I hope that's what it's about.

Ed, you know so much about it.

You know so much about Lockwood and co.

I don't know that.

That is what I hope it is.

Yeah, that is very exciting.

Ruined for me because I audition for it.

Yeah, you're not a kid, man.

I've told you before, stop auditioning to play a kid.

But one day it might happen.

It will not happen.

Especially not one day.

You're getting older.

If anything, time's working against you.

Stop auditioning to play kids.

Start auditioning for adult roles, and then maybe you'll get something.

One day, I will play a kid.

You will not play a kid?

Man, Ed auditioned for a Rugrats movie.

Yeah.

You just wanted to play Tommy Pickles.

I'd be a great Tommy Pickles.

Listen, man.

We've been through this.

We've got to combine forces.

Tommy Pickles and you're Chucky.

Well, I could be Chucky, obviously.

Yeah.

If I could be Chucky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got to speak with a blocked-up nose all the time.

Yeah.

What a character.

What a character.

Benito could be Angelica.

Yeah, Benito's very much like Angelica.

He comes and bullies us, and we're all scared of him every single week.

Well, maybe we'll pitch this to Joe Corner.

Because I think they were going to do a Rugrats movie, weren't they?

Yeah.

I'm not going to bring up.

Would we be too late?

The audition, probably.

You might not bring it up.

Nah.

I might.

I might bring up that.

I went to a film screening and he kicked over my popcorn when he walked past me.

Definitely bring that up.

That's food related.

Yeah.

That's food related.

And we can ask him about what popcorn he likes.

Me and and Nish went to see a film screening.

Nishkuma.

Nishkuma.

And Joe Cornish was sat really near us.

And then he got up to go to the toilet.

He kicked Nish's popcorn over.

And he came back from the toilet.

He kicked my popcorn over.

And then Nish kept shouting, attack the pop for the rest of the night.

Attack the pop.

Oh, God.

I mean, that is funny.

Yeah.

I'm going to ask him what kind of popcorn he likes.

I think he's going to say...

Salted.

I don't think he likes popcorn, clearly.

He actively hates it.

He's jealous that you guys had, I think,

because he wanted some pop.

Yeah.

Attack the pop.

Attack the pop.

Also, if he brings up like that he likes cheese, I'm going to say attack the block of cheese.

What else comes in blocks?

Yeah, yeah.

We've got to think of other stuff because we definitely want to say attack the block.

If he says croc on bouche, good.

Attack the croc.

Attack the croc.

That's good.

So we can say that for that.

Yeah.

So just any opportunity to say that.

Yeah.

And then if we do say it, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you a heads up right now.

Yeah.

Normally I don't give a heads up.

If I get one of these in, say attack the thing, I will say it like attack the clock on bouche and then I'll go champion

champion

ole.

Why are you giving me that?

It's baffling anyway, and it's exactly the sort of thing you would do.

Yeah, well, that's I'll just let you know that's what's gonna happen.

Well, don't forget to watch attack the lock wood.

Oh, yes!

Champion, champion,

champion,

ole oleone.

But unfortunately, if Joe says a secret ingredient that we have pre-established, he will be kicked out of the restaurant.

And today's secret ingredient is Cornish past.

Cornish pasty.

We've not reached too far for that one, but it was either that or a cup of joe.

Yeah, we're not superhuman here, guys.

We're just people like you.

And we just try our best with the secret ingredient.

It's just a format point.

We've really backed ourselves into a corner.

Especially...

I'm thinking of a particular Cornish pasty that I used to get, Cornish pasties, when I was living in Ketman, and I'd come back from London from gigs.

I'd get it at St Pancras, and they were not enough meat and too much pastry.

Are you talking about the West Cornwall pasty company?

Yeah, with the pirate.

Yeah, see, I like those.

The big thick handle round the outside.

I love it.

Too thick.

I love the Steak and Stilton one.

Yeah,

that was my go-to.

Yeah.

But I would find that it was too hot on the inside, too cold on the outside.

The handle was too big.

You'd prefer it to be hot on the outside and cold in the middle, would you?

Oh, no.

Funnily enough, I'd like it hot on the outside, hot in the middle as well.

I'd like it to be nice.

You're crazy.

I don't think the deal is one of the elements has to be cold.

Well, hopefully he doesn't pick that anyway, because I'm very excited to speak to him.

This is the off-menu menu of Joe Cole.

Joe Cornish.

Welcome, Joe, to the Dream Restaurant.

Well, thank you for having me.

I'm very excited to be here.

Welcome, Joe Cornish, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Holy shit box.

It's the genie.

Holy shit, box.

Now, before we started recording, you asked us if we were allowed to swear.

And you were straight in there.

Well, holy shit box.

I like to make myself feel comfortable.

It's like arranging scatter cushions on a sofa.

A couple of shits at the beginning.

Get really comfy.

Now, that's giving me a horrible image of how you arrange your sofa.

A couple of shits at the beginning.

Yeah, no, that is not.

My sofa's very clean.

and quite expensive.

It's been ruined by the cat.

How big is your sofa and how many scatter cushions are on it?

There is,

it's a three-person sofa with big bottoms.

Yeah.

Three big-bottomed people.

Opposite it is a two-bottomed.

Is that how you measure a sofa in buttocks?

It's a six-buttock and a four-button.

Yeah.

But mega-buttocks.

Yeah, yeah.

And

I've answered your question.

Well, how many scatter cushions are on there?

There's no scatter cushions on it.

Do you think they're a waste of time, scatter cushions?

Scatter logical cushions.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

to get to bring that round

glad we got there though what would i ever put scatter cushions on yeah well i think they're silly scatter cushions like you don't actually scatter them it's not like you're a farmer in a sofa on a sofa farm yeah scattering the cushions at the beginning of the seasons so you'll grow a whole branch of name a sofa shop DFS.

You'll grow a whole branch of DFS.

So you have a fallow.

It's time for the harvest.

I do.

Well, there might be some coinage growing in the furrows.

Do you have a hairy cat?

What, like a long-haired cat?

Yeah, how hairy cats?

No, it's a short hair.

He's a British shorthair.

His name is Smudge, which is like calling a boy Colin.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

Smudge for a cat.

It's nice, though.

When I was a kid, I did a comic strip of on Her Majesty's Secret Service with a friend of mine when we saw it on tele.

Oh, yeah.

And we gave James Bond a cat.

And the cat was called Smudge.

Oh.

So I've always wanted to name a cat Smudge.

And now I've finally done it.

Did you pitch that to the family when you got this cat?

Oh, there was no question that I would be naming the cat.

Yeah.

My daughter's three, so has no agency.

Yeah.

And my wife

knows better than to try and name the cat.

It's my one area of authority.

You're writing that.

You can come up with a cat name.

Smudge.

Bang.

10 out of 10.

Then, you know, you're writing loads of scripts and stuff.

You get to name characters all the time.

You don't want to give it to someone else for one fucking goddamn second?

For naming?

One shitboxing second.

You want to let someone else name it for one second?

Would you like to rename my cat, James?

No, no, because I can't get it.

I could give him some middle names like a pedigree cat.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that'd be nice.

Go on.

Smudge.

Ed Gamble.

I was looking at Ed.

Wow.

Wow.

One of the most inventive comics of his generation, apparently.

Smudge Ed Gamble Cornish.

That's pretty good.

That is good.

Ben.

That's one of those middle names you'd never tell anybody.

Yeah, Ed Gamble.

And you'd be embarrassed

when you admitted it.

His middle name is Ed Gamble.

That's quite good.

Is that official now?

That is official, yeah.

Yeah.

Wow, that's good.

But you'll never mention it again to anyone.

Well, I think we're on quite a popular podcast.

Yeah.

So the damage is done.

Bad luck.

It's much Ed Gamble Cornish.

Good initials, though.

S, E, G,

C.

The C kind of.

Took me a while.

Maybe for that.

It's like the first letter of your own surname.

That's my name.

Of all the scripts you've written,

what's your favorite character name that you've come up with for someone?

Well, it was fun naming the characters in Attack the Block.

Yeah.

And I'm working on

the script for the sequel.

And I'm having fun finding those names.

Like Pest, I like.

Yeah, as the answer to your question.

I'm excited that

there's going to be another Attack the Block.

Yeah, hopefully.

Boyger coming back for it?

He is, yeah.

We're writing it together.

What?

Yes, sir.

Both holding the pen.

It's taking a a while, right?

The writing's very scrawly.

He's fighting you.

You're trying to call an ever counter smudge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I should put a smudge in there.

That would be good name.

That would be really good.

Smudge.

Why would you name a human smudge?

I'd want Smudge to be a really evil character because it's such a cute.

Yes.

Counterintuitive.

Yeah.

Maybe Smudge holds a pen in a weird way and just smudges the ink as he or she writes.

Yeah.

That's all I can think of.

But, hey, Lockwood and Co.'s coming out.

That's exciting.

Plug time.

Yeah.

Hey, it's stick that plug in the socket.

We really try and bring it in naturally and organically, this sort of thing.

No, yeah, this is a show

for Netflix.

But might this podcast go out after that show goes out?

So yes, it's available now.

Well, then it's available now.

It's a supernatural action adventure series in eight parts.

First and the last ones, directed by me.

Flick me the V, then.

You did Flicky the V.

Yeah, you did.

I did literally two or two episodes in Flickney.

And then I've sort of,

I think I'm called a showrunner, even though I don't like that term.

Right.

Why not?

Why don't you like that term?

It sounds tiring, running.

And show, I don't know, sounds a bit razzle-dazzle.

And it just sounds like Greg Wallace might visit me and ask me how I do it.

Do you know what I mean?

You're telling me?

Yeah.

Oh, Joe, this is amazing.

Can you get that many shows out in this much time?

I never realized it when I opened my packet of shows

that this much work went into them.

You're telling me you film four minutes a day?

Yeah.

Wearing a hairnet for no reason.

Absolute waste of time every time it's got a hairnet on.

Like, writer, director sounds quite sort of,

doesn't it?

Showrunner, I don't know.

This is an exciting series, though.

Yeah.

How do you know?

Because we've got the press release.

We've read the press release and we're like, this sounds cool.

No, it is good.

It's quite exciting and spectacular.

And it's got ghosts and fighting ghosts.

It's a clever idea.

Like the idea is that ghosts can kill you by touching you.

One little touch of a ghost

and you're dead.

Oh, no.

But that, yeah, oh no, right?

Yeah.

But, you know, usually in movies, ghosts can't do that much to you, can they?

They can possess your daughter.

Yeah.

They can throw things at you.

They can make very sudden loud noises that risk a heart attack.

Pottery?

Can do pottery?

They can do pottery.

That's true.

I was watching that yesterday, weirdly.

If they touched the pot, the pot died.

That would be awful if

that mythology was.

Can they do pottery?

Well, they can't be potentially potential.

They can sit there and close it behind you while you do

pottery, but she'd be dead immediately if it was Lotuka.

If it was Lopako, yeah, that would be a very hopeful.

She would slam face forward into the pot

and then her corpse would spin around

until it hit a table there.

Is she then a ghost and she spins round and gets flung off somewhere and touches someone else and then they're dead?

Yeah, well, that could be a massacre in the streets.

Oh, dear.

Are you a big foodie?

Well, you know, I'm not.

I'm really infantile.

Yeah, I'm one of these people that's hanging on to peculiar decisions they made based on nothing when they were 12.

So this isn't going to be your, you know, haute cuisine episode of off-menu.

That's interesting.

I'm very excited to hear the story.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, I am wasted in a posh restaurant.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, in both senses of

the phrase.

Like, you're sort of wasting your money money if you take me to a take me to a medium restaurant or to Brixton Village, you know, somewhere like that, and I'm in.

But posh restaurant.

Posh restaurant.

But surely that must have happened a lot in the home.

I was frustrated.

Netflix, did they take you out to wine you and dine you in the posh restaurant?

Yeah, I do go to quite a lot of sort of business type, meeting type dinners.

But, and yeah, I do get quite tetchy.

Not tetchy.

What's the word?

Like, you know, impatient.

I just want the food slapped down.

I mean, there's been, I've been served courses that are just like I don't want to eat any of that cube of peculiar substances here's the thing I like to know what I'm eating yeah so I like to see it I don't like sauces

because they feel like a smokescreen really

yeah yeah yeah you don't see the sauce as part of the dish No, I don't.

I think it's like, well, if you're going to cook something, cook it nicely.

Don't smother it in a sauce to try and, you know, putting a sauce on something is like wearing a Halloween costume on a daily basis or something.

Do you know what I mean?

No.

It's like a mask to hide on a daily basis.

But the sauce is surely part of the cooking.

You're suggesting that they've cooked something and then grab some sauce from the fridge or something and then just cover this.

You can't just taste the sauce.

It combines the colours.

Okay, well, here's the other weird thing.

I don't drink tea or coffee.

Right.

And I've only just...

In my twilight years, which I'm now in.

Are you in Twilight years now?

I think so.

Started drinking hot drinks.

Like I've got a lemon and ginger here.

So basically hot hot sauce.

I just don't like hot fluids

Right, okay, okay, you must have had people like this on before with peculiar inflatives

We've heard that Paul Rudd does not like sauces.

I've eaten a meal with Paul Rudd.

That must have been the driest meal in existence.

Yeah, but everyone was like those two guys

I got a piece of lettuce on my epiglottis is what I remember about that meal.

It was with Edgar in LA.

Yeah.

We were in quite a close restaurant.

This is when we were just, yeah, when Edgar was casting Ant-Man before we left Ant-Man, Edgar chose Paul for Ant-Man.

And yeah, so we sat down and had a meal with him and I started sort of convulsing and unable to talk and coughing violently.

And it was a little piece of, tiny little piece of lettuce, almost like

a little rip of Rizzler that was basically attached to my epiglottis.

Very difficult to get off because you can't get a finger and thumb in there and peel it off.

The only way to get it.

You risk twanging your epiglottis.

Gosh, pull Rudd, shrink down to the size of that man and go in there and get it, right?

Yep.

Very good.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's the only way.

Me and James have both been thinking about that ever since.

You can tell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're absolutely right.

As soon as Ed said, the only way to do it, I went, fair enough.

I should have said to him, look,

if you want this part,

get the lettuce off my epiglottis.

The audition of all auditions.

Yeah, wow.

But I don't think he would have got the part.

No.

I don't think if he could do it in real life.

If he'd shrunk down and got the lettuce off your epigloss.

Yeah, he definitely would have gone to the part.

Because imagine the VFX money you would have saved.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If he could really shrink a day.

Jumped in your mouth, got the lettuce, then came out your nose,

and then sat down and carried on talking to Edgar.

That would have been a meal to remember.

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Well, we always start the dream menu with still a sparkling water.

Yeah, well, this has become a very controversial binary decision on your podcast, hasn't it?

It's a bit like some sort of factional political divide that might schism the country.

And I get the feeling, having listened to your podcast, that, you know, still water is the thing to, that's the sort of popular choice.

We get a lot of sparklers in.

There's a lot of those sparklers knocking around.

It's 50-50.

Also, I know you're not.

No, I don't.

Well, here's the thing.

I think it depends on your budget.

Like, I'm not going to buy still water.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, that seemed very decadent.

Yeah, I completely agree.

You could go for tap water.

Yeah.

If I'm really splashing out and having an exciting meal, then I'm going to have some fizz in my water.

Right.

Because I'm not paying for water, you know.

Yeah.

So it depends on the time of day, the budget.

But I'm in the dream restaurant, right?

So money's no object.

Object?

Object.

I'm going to go for sparkles.

You're going to go for the sparkles?

I certainly am, yeah.

I, just because of what we've been talking about so far, I would imagine that if you had sparkling water, you would splutter and just like, it would be a disaster.

Sensitive epiglossia or episode.

Yeah, you'd be all over the place.

Yeah.

Talking like like Donald Duck.

No, no, I'm pretty good.

I can handle my sparkling water.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm pretty good on sparkling water.

I mean, it's an exciting drink, don't get me wrong.

If anything, it might help if you've got something stuck in your epiglottis.

It might help.

Oh, I can erode it away.

Bubble the leaf off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like some sort of Alka-Seltzer

function.

Yeah, but I do feel like a bit of a dilettante.

Even though I'm not sure what that word means.

I feel like a bit of one for choosing sparkling water.

But it's, you know this is the dream restaurant it is so i don't get judged no one can judge you dilettanteism yeah yeah no one could judge you in the dream restaurant do you want it in a rather in a glass do you want us to put it in like a like a tankard or something so people can't see through it so you can probably pretend like you're drinking tap water well so you don't feel like a dilettante no no i'm gonna i want to go the whole hog i want a big expensive bottle and a champagne flute yeah oh nice i want to i want to yeah and i'll hold it with my little finger extended a la tony hadley yeah and i'll uh and i'll sip it and sup it and burp and like nobody's business you say cheers uh every time you take a sip yes i will i'll say bonfenté yeah yeah you say bonfenté

boncente i think is french for good health so who would you be saying that to in your who else is anyone in

your

uh who's in my dream restaurant just people who's in my people who'd laugh at my jokes.

And like, a lot of times when I have dinner with people, I don't know, I find that

they talk a lot about themselves.

Maybe I'm just a really good listener.

But I'm trying to think how I could get a group of people who'd be fascinated by me.

Maybe I'd recruit them on the internet.

You'd want some sort of lackeys or toadies.

Yeah, on Instagram, maybe some toadies.

Some toadies.

Yeah, some fawning toadies.

Yeah, I don't know how to do that.

I'd hold some sort of toady competition

and see who could write the toadiest note.

Yeah, Toady from Neighbours turns up.

He's headed.

He's got it.

Toadfish.

Toadfish.

Toadfish.

That would be a great dinner.

Do you want Jared Rebecca to come to your meal?

Who's that?

That's Toadfish's the character.

Wow.

That's good.

Wow.

Well done.

Are you like a deep Neighbours fan?

No, not anymore, but I do, that was my era.

Really?

It was Toadfish slash Jared Rebecca.

Also, I'd say Toady slash Toadfish is very much like The Rock was in wrestling.

Where even if you don't really like the show or watch it very much, you know that character and you think that character's awesome.

You can be a fan of Toadfish

and not a fan of neighbours.

Yeah, that's true.

Same with Harold Bishop.

Yes.

I tell you what I'd have.

I'd have all my friends, Louis, Edgar, Adam.

Yeah.

Some friends who aren't

well known as well.

Let's throw in a name of one of the ones who isn't well known as well.

Tom.

Tom.

Tom would be there.

David would be there.

Townend.

He's the cinematographer.

He shot Attack the Block and he shot Lockwood and Co.

He's still still a colleague.

Yeah.

He's a colleague.

Any friends who aren't colleagues?

Any friends who aren't colleagues?

David?

I mean most of my friends are in the biz.

How do you know David?

Well David runs the film 4 channel.

David Cooks.

But I did know him before I made him.

I knew him long before I made films.

We've got to find a friend who doesn't work in the industry all right this is tough we've got to find some uh they I think they all work in the industry no surely I really think they do surely you've got a single one friend who doesn't work

for a long time yeah yeah

smudge

I knew we were going to get to smudge being at the meal he's a good conversationalist

he just he doesn't say much but he looks at you and blinks oh yeah and then that means he loves you you know that's the silent meow anyway the point of having all those people is the one difference would be they'd be fascinated by me

and really want to hear what I had to say about myself and my career instead of just constantly talking about themselves and their own achievements.

I think that's your fault for only having friends within the industry.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

If you had a friend who didn't work in the industry,

you'd be so impressed.

I'm trying to think.

This is terrible.

I probably do.

I'm just panicking.

I really hope your neighbors don't listen to this podcast.

Okay.

Well, am I friendly in the industry, probably?

I'm not like tight, close friends with my neighbours.

Are you?

No, no, I'm not.

They're not super close buddies.

I like them, but I've only lived there for a few months, to be fair to me.

Maybe I should scroll through the contacts in my phone and see.

So that's my producer.

Will Jo Cornish?

These are the people who've called me in the last couple of days.

My producer, Naira, who's a massive fan of this podcast.

Hello, Naira.

My wife, Adam Buxton.

Yeah.

My builder,

Now, is Claudie a friend?

Do you want Claudi to come?

Yeah, he's a friend.

Do I want Claudi to come?

Yeah, he could come.

Yeah, let's get Claudie to come.

What does Claudio like?

He's a good guy.

Yeah, yeah.

He's very good.

I mean, he does big jobs,

but

he does little jobs, too.

Yeah.

I like that in a person.

That's all you needed to hear to like him.

Claudi's great.

I've found two more friends.

Joel, he,

I've accidentally called Edgar.

I thought thought he'd call Edgar.

He's going to call back now.

He'd love to be on the podcast.

Yeah, he loves this podcast.

He does love the podcast.

Leo.

Joel produces Black Mirror.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

And that's it.

So,

yeah.

So the closest we've got was Claudia.

William, he's a plumber.

I called when my boiler broke the other day.

Okay.

So Claudia William can come.

He's a producer.

Lucy Pardee, she's a researcher.

It's an unknown caller.

Maybe I'll have to track them down and invite them.

Whoever it was.

This is my first unknown caller.

You don't know me, but you called me accidentally at 4.32 two weeks ago.

Would you like to come to have a meal with me in a dream restaurant?

It's going to be me and Claudie and Smith.

Yeah, listen, I'm going months back and

all I can find is my hairdresser.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Well,

thank you very much for doing the research there and seeing if you could find anyone.

Pop lobs on bread.

Pop lobs on bread, Joe Cornish.

Pop lobs or bread.

Well,

a bread.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I had these friends who started a restaurant and they grew, they had a brand new type of bread in their restaurant and they grew a yeast.

Wow.

And they grew it.

Have you ever come across this kind of shit?

They did it in a yogurt pot, in a cupboard.

And I think they were so heavily into breeding bread, they were bread breeders.

I'm not sure that's the right term, but I think it is.

Because that's what yeast does, isn't it?

One bit of yeast parties with another little sort of yeast

create a new sort of yeast.

They're just cultures, aren't they?

Yeah.

And in a Petri dish.

It's sort of disgusting when you think about it.

It's disgusting when you think about it.

It's disgusting when you look at it under a mic because you're like, it's delicious when you eat it.

Oh, yeah, when you eat it.

But you didn't eat it straight out of the yogurt pot, did you?

No, but they so wanted to become restauranteers that even when they were at university, they were breeding yeast.

And they invented this sort of yeast and it became the signature bread of their restaurant which was called morrow in exmouth market part of it and uh the bread there was like the one of the signature things when you went there and it god it was delicious but when i ate it i always used to think of a like a grotty little cupboard in a student house in bristol yeah and an old pot noodle pot can you think of anything else that is disgusting when you think about it disgusting when you look at it under a microscope delicious when you eat it yeah or meat, yeah, meat, sure, cooked meat, yeah.

I mean, most food, really, probably.

You think it's all disgusting under a microscope?

Kind of everything's disgusting under a microscope.

Apart from Ant-Man,

he's better.

What isn't?

He's even better.

Yeah, you can see his expressions much more clearly.

Yeah.

Was there a period in your life where you were thinking a lot about that sort of stuff?

Wait, wait, it was just like

Ant-Man.

All of your thoughts just went to things being shrunk down in time.

We worked on that film for for about eight years.

Wow.

From before the first Iron Man movie.

Wow.

Wow.

I didn't know it was that early.

Yeah, on and off we were working on that.

I mean, we weren't just working on that for eight years.

That would be too much, too long for a film about a shrinky dink superhero.

No, but on and off, we were both doing other things.

You're always like, maybe you'd look at a mug and think, oh, imagine a little man.

Well, it's weird how doing that sort of thing actually cleans your mind.

Yeah.

When you think about about something for that long, you're, okay, done with that.

Finished with that.

Never have to think about it.

Never have to think about it ever again.

But are you suggesting that Joe would look at everything and go, imagine a little man climbing up that?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, if I was doing Ant-Man for eight years, I think every time I looked at anything, I would think, like, I'm looking right now at a tissue box here.

Yes.

And I would think, well, imagine a little man.

climbing up the tissue box and then jumping in the hole where the tissues are.

You know what I mean?

What would that be like for the little man?

You would be a big,

you'd be a fan of the Ant-Man films.

You should see, you should, what, and he appears in the Avengers movies as well.

Yeah,

you might like them.

I would like that.

Is that a scene that you ever considered?

Ant-Man climbing up a tissue box and jumping into the tissues?

Well, if he was, say, trying to parachute out of out of a high building, you could do that.

There you go.

If he may be,

if he had a, well, yeah, and he'd just rip a little corner off.

A tiny little corner off.

It's funny.

I don't know.

I think the fibers would be very big and they'd lash against his face.

Yeah.

You'd probably be better off getting that little bit of letter.

Do you see how deep I'm going into this?

I mean, I'm really imagining it.

Yeah.

How to deal with it.

This is the VFX meeting.

No, Joe, the fibers would be too big.

They'd lash against his face.

That's exciting.

Wouldn't fly in

ILM.

What would fly is that man holding the corners of a tissue and jumping out of a high building.

I was going to talk about plies, but

three plies

because maybe he'd lose a ply and you go, oh but he's got two left then you lose another one he's only got one ply so would you have to like add commentary there though you'd have to have him go and no no i lost a ply no no this the trick would be to set up the plies earlier in the film yeah talk about to just toss it in right so the audience goes oh that's a strange

probably go like oh three three plies yeah would you like one of these three ply tissues

throw away line in an actual penis character could get away with saying that yeah

everyone would would think we'd be yeah yeah yeah yeah how's his surname spelt i think i've only ever has it said i've only only ever seen it written down.

I just said Pina, and I don't think it's Pina.

Yeah, I don't know.

Penya?

Yeah, I think so, probably.

Anyway,

I think if that character said, do you want one of these tissues?

It's free ply, it would just be a funny joke.

Yeah, yeah.

And people wouldn't really see it as like a thing.

But then later on, you go, oh, no.

Yes.

That's good.

There we go.

That's in the bag.

The scene is written.

If someone offered you to do a borrower's film or TV show, would you do it or would you think I can't think about that stuff again?

I would think that.

I don't like the borrowers.

Borrowers?

What are they called?

Borrowers.

Because they borrowers.

Well, they're thieves.

I don't know.

They feel like...

Yeah, I don't know.

Isn't it Jim Broadbent?

To have a very small Jim Broadbent living in the cracks of my floorboards would be upsetting for me.

Do you think?

You'd feel bad for Jim Broadbent or you'd be worried about it.

It just feels dirty.

Yeah.

I'd want to get a

toothpick and clean him out.

Clean him out?

Yeah.

Oh, you mean out of family?

You don't clean out him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

to get him out.

That'd be upsetting.

It's just upsetting to have tiny people living.

A-Man returns to normal size and carries on a reasonably normal life.

That's why you like him.

That's why I like him, yeah.

But to have broadbent,

I don't know who the rest of the

borrowers were.

Borrowers are

just imagining Staunton.

Yeah, you'd hope so.

He'll be another national treasure.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, for me, Ian Holmes is the original borrower because that was like a Sunday,

series and it'd be Ian Home as a pod, I think it was the main one.

Yeah, no, well no insult to fans of the borrowers.

Yeah, but no, but I think your earlier point stands, I'm just done with shrinking.

Yeah, you can't do it.

What would you do if you found a borrower in your house?

Would you kill it?

I would become a billionaire.

because I'd have a very, very tiny human.

Yeah.

And there's nothing like that's ever existed before.

yeah i'd probably call blue peter that would be my first port of call to become a billionaire well just to get the exposure i need because

i'm thinking of 70s blue peter not the blue peter now which is just yeah no one watches that is house music and uh

break dancing isn't it i don't know i just think that's the first call for people who are unusually tall or unusually small yeah um not the guinea book of records yeah no you're right the guinea's book of records which would be very exciting for you if you found a borrower because then you'd have a friend who wasn't in the industry

Well, I don't know about that because they'd immediately get in the industry.

Yeah, they'd immediately get a puzzle.

So then you're going for your phone.

I've got pod hit.

Oh, no, he's

host Blue Peter now.

Oh, you've made me worried now.

I haven't got any friends in the industry.

Well, you know, we've got a whole podcast for you to remember someone that isn't Claudia or Smudge.

Quite unsettling having you talk in a casual manner about Claudia and Smudge.

So So, the bread is the bread from morrow.

Yeah, the bread is the bread from morrow.

That's what you want.

Yeah, delicious.

Butter with it as well.

No, no, butter.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A little dish of delicious olive oil, yeah, to dip it in.

Lovely, but be very careful not to get it on your shirt.

So I'd have to tuck in the napkin like a bib.

Yeah, because I'm terrible for getting oil splats on my clothes.

Yeah,

the second I put a new shirt on, it's gone because of an oil splotch.

Oh, two days ago, two days ago, yeah, just got up, showered, dressed, then went to make something in a frying pan with some olive oil.

Immediately,

over all of it, I've got about seven aprons in my kitchen.

Hung up, I don't wear any of them.

You've got to put an eye on them.

I was like, come on, man.

You've got to start wearing an apron.

No, my wife's taught me to put an apron on now, and now I love it.

I like to call it a pinny.

Yeah, yeah, that's nice.

Because it feels a bit more transgressive.

Just imagine your wife teaching you literally the technique of putting an apron on.

Your head go through through this bit.

That is kind of what happened.

She ties the strings at the back for me.

But you're right.

You've got to protect your new clothes from oil.

Definitely.

I'll just cook topless, though.

Yeah.

Do you

want it to be?

Isn't your chest covered in like little burns?

Tiny little burns.

Speckled, peckled with little burns.

Yeah, it's like the borrowers have had a cigarette party on my chest.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cigarette party.

Videodrome style.

Yeah.

What's your apron look like?

Well, there's two aprons in the kitchen.

One has got blue vertical stripes, your classic

kitchen.

I think the other one is sort of brown.

No, brown?

Slimming, is it?

Of course.

That's very clever to put that on, I guess.

Although there's an apron because it's not your full body, it must look weird.

Yeah, just the middle of the body is slim.

Very slim in the middle.

Yes, like a sort of

freaky funhouse optical illusion.

People can't look at me in it.

It makes me feel dizzy.

Tiny body.

Yes, clothing.

I got it.

Immediately falls over.

Cracks the plaster, gets covered in oil.

Because he's got his apron on.

The other one is just grey.

That's for you sad me.

Last bit of egg, maybe.

I'd be detecting that you prefer the vertical stripes one.

I go for whichever's hanging on the top of the huge cluster of things that are hanging off the back of the kitchen door so much so that it doesn't open properly.

Yeah,

our apron has come down recently.

Oh, did it?

Yeah.

Was it self-adhesive?

Yeah, it was one of those adhesive ones.

And then, you know, I've got a new apron, a leather apron.

Listen, give Claudia a call.

He'll screw one in for you.

Claudia will sort me out.

Yeah.

He'll probably do it for free just as a little taster, like a drug dealer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People can get really, really addicted to Claudia's work.

Were you, and this is a genuine question that I care about.

Yes.

In the room when it fell down, or were you elsewhere in the house and heard it and thought, what the bloody hell is going to happen?

I was away.

I got back.

Oh, no.

I got back and all my aprons were on the floor.

And I was like, well, I better hang those back up.

Went to hang them back up.

No hook.

No hook at all.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Because it's an adhesive one as well.

There's no mark where it was.

How long ago was this?

This was two weeks ago.

Well, you still look startled.

Yeah.

And when I came here today, I thought, Ed looks startled.

Something's happened to Ed recently.

I hope he's okay.

But now I know.

Yeah.

And it's that as soon as aprons came up, I was like, no, I'm going to have to bring this up.

God.

This is the first time we've talked about aprons on the podcast.

Really?

Which is like a food podcast.

It's been going for quite a while.

What's the difference between an apron and a pinny?

Well, I would imagine a pinny has like frills on it and stuff.

That's what I imagine a pinny as, would have like frills around the.

Why is it called a pinny?

Is it short for pinafore?

Well, a pinafore is a pinafore.

A pinny is a pinny.

But what's a pinafore?

It's a little dress that you pin on the front of a, on a dress, isn't it?

Like, like, I don't know.

I don't watch enough Bridgerton.

They have big bustly things

and pop a little pinafore on the front.

I thought that was a pair of friends.

It's like a bib for your genitals.

Yeah, but I thought that's what a pinny is.

It's like a giant flat sporin.

And they need those in breakfast.

I don't know what it is, do they?

Yeah, they need bibs of their genitals.

Bibs of their genitals.

They like to clean up the spoil splats.

They have a lot of oil splats.

The frying pan Bukkaki.

Christ.

Also, I think fair to say the first mention of Bukhaki on the podcast.

I think so is.

I'm very, very proud.

And of course it's covered.

Right.

I've googled Pinafore.

Yes.

Don't do that and go on to Google Images.

Right.

Why?

Well, I think I yeah, I like those pictures.

I don't see your point.

I don't understand why that's the first thing that comes up on Pinafore.

Naked women wearing three packs.

Well, three pinnacles.

Then

I think pinnies and aprons, they're quite potentially sexy because they happen to cover all your sensitive areas and not much else.

But they leave the buttocks exposed.

So the front view,

if you're naked but just wearing an apron you're presentable from the front but all you have to do is turn to get the um yeah can of raviola off the top shelf and suddenly how's your father yeah it's uh but isn't that the same with like hospital gowns though and you wouldn't call those sexy well no because you're in a hospital yeah some people find that sexy yeah i suppose there's something for something for everyone out there isn't it listen as long as you're somewhere business-like yeah where you're getting things done yeah then it's sexy yeah it's sexy but right it's it's

naughty.

Well, you're just going to get on with it.

You can buy a three-pack of made costumes for $8.99.

Would you buy them for me, please?

Yeah, sure.

I don't know what I'm going to do with them.

Maybe everyone at my table is wearing pinnies.

Yeah, sure, because this is your builder and your cat.

What about my other friends?

Have they not been allowed?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you get kicked over.

Edgar, Louis.

Yeah, they're all wearing pinnies.

They're fully dressed, but they've got pinnies on because a pinny is a sort of the thinking man's bib.

Yeah.

I mean, it really does eliminate any

possibility of

splattage or spillage.

Do you like that in a restaurant when they give you a bib?

When they give me a bib in a restaurant.

It's never happened.

Like a seafood restaurant or a barbecue restaurant.

Sometimes they'll have like a plastic bib and they'll come and put it on for you.

Yeah, I don't think that's ever happened to me.

I don't know if I like it.

I'd have to experience it.

I don't know.

Like the closest association I've got is when you you sit down in a barber's chair and the barber puts the

stands and presses their tummy into your back.

Is it a backless chair?

Oh, no, you're right.

The tummy, I mean, this barber's got a high tummy

and drapes the thing around you and ties it like, yeah, I quite like that.

Feels like you're in for something, doesn't it?

You like the tummy on the...

No, I like the draping of the thing around the chesticles and the tying of the thing around the back of the neck.

Feels like a ceremony, doesn't it?

Like a sort of crowning ceremony, like a coronation.

I feel like it's more of a sorting hat situation than a coronation.

Right.

Why?

Because I like the way you look at me as if I've got something to say about that.

You looked at it.

You looked at me with quite a news night face and tilted your head.

Like,

Joe, go, run with that.

I don't know where to run.

You know what to do, Joe.

Sorting out a coronation.

I got lost about two non-sequiturs ago.

Your dream starter.

Dream starter.

Okay, well I think I was thinking about this and I'm going to like in the dream restaurant, can I be anywhere that I want?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's like the rules of space and time are suspended.

Yeah.

So I would go for a bruschetta.

Lovely.

Lovely.

Very funny thing to follow you asking if the rules of time and space are suspended.

Well, this isn't any old bruschetta.

Absolutely loved it.

And I'll do whatever I like.

So the one and the volume.

No, it starts inside the play.

The rules are started to apply.

A bruschetta, please.

This is the follow-up to your poshest meal I've ever had.

So when Attack the Block came out, this Italian producer bought it to distribute in Italy.

His name was Aurelio DeLaurentis.

Dino De Laurentis's nephew.

Yes.

Dino De Laurentis' famous producer, right?

Barbarella, Flash Gordon, Blue Velvet, Conan,

Serpico.

Oh, I know Conan.

Famous Italian producer.

Anyway, his nephew, he buys it for Italy.

He puts me in a private jet.

I'm at a festival in Switzerland in Locano.

He says, Joe, come, come and see me.

I want to meet you.

I love your film.

A little bit like that, his voice was.

That's nice.

And so he puts me on a private jet from Locano.

I fly to Naples where I get on a speedboat, like a sexy speedboat, big James Bond speedboat.

I get like speedboated out to this little bay off the island of Capri, where Aurelio de laurentis is floating in this beautiful cove with a little plastic floating tray with a cappuccino on it.

Wow.

I get off the speedboat.

I bash my ankle against the steps so there's blood running down my ankle.

Immediately ruining the scene.

Well, I'm in excruciating pain and I'm dribbling blood everywhere.

I don't say anything about it.

I just get in the water.

Oh, salty sting, healing the wound.

And I swim over to, and that's how I meet Aurelio.

Anyway, cut a long story short.

I stay a night on the island of Capri.

He takes me the next day for lunch on this private island off the Amalfi coast, which has Rudolf Nureyev's villa on it, right?

The ballet dancer.

I think it's called La Galli or something.

You can hire it now for about like $300,000 a minute.

So it's on this private island and a friend of Aurelio's is staying there and we have lunch there and they just bring the most incredible tomatoes.

I've always had a conflicted relationship with tomatoes, right?

Yeah.

Didn't like them as a kid at all.

And tomatoes are a fruit, correct?

Yes.

So these tomatoes really tasted fucking phenomenal.

I mean, really extraordinary.

Like all my life, my dad has said, don't be so fussy about tomatoes.

They're a fruit.

And I shut up.

They're not a fruit.

They're weird.

These tomatoes, they were just sensational.

and they were chopped into a bruschetta with some amazing olive oil on.

And it was just the most beautiful thing I've ever tasted.

There was another big, mysterious billionaire who I think had hired the island, and he had all these peculiar artists and people there.

It was very odd.

It's a bit like that John Fowles book, The Magus.

Have you ever read that?

No.

People who've read that might know what I mean.

Just this weird collection of people.

So I'm sitting next to Aurelio.

He's smoking a cigar.

The other billionaire is smoking a cigar.

Aurelio's watching him, and he leans over to me and says, That man smokes a cigar like he is sucking a cock.

And I say,

Yeah, yeah, he is.

That's the sort of thing billionaires, the sort of quip.

Yeah, billionaires.

It's good.

And that guy leant over to the guy who's next to him and said exactly the same thing about Aurelio probably.

Also, I'd imagine I wasn't there,

but I don't think he was.

From the mental picture in your mind, well, do you think they're two very different?

I've been very lucky in my life to i've sucked a lot of cocks to

to smoke to

i've seen people smoking cigars yeah i've seen i tell you what i've seen people yeah doing that going down on people yeah i cannot imagine anyone doing one as they would do the other really when i suck a cock i go

That's a pipe, isn't it?

I think this guy might have been licking the tip of the cigar with a circular tongue motion.

I don't know whether this is a false memory syndrome, but that's what sprung into my head.

I feel like you might have invented that.

Don't you moisten one end of the cigar?

I don't fucking know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, listen, Aurelia Durange was a really lovely, incredibly generous man.

Yeah.

And he gave me the time of my life.

He also gave me the tomato of my life.

So for my starter, I would be there in that on Rudolf Nureev's private island with Arillio and the cigar-sucking man

with that bruschetta, with the elements of that bruschetta.

You should probably just jump in and say, when we talk about a mysterious billionaire on a private island, it's not that one, right?

No, it's not that one.

Well, there's a few to choose from.

What a reveal at the end of that story.

I was only there for lunch, so I don't know what happened when the sun went down.

And everybody seemed of a legal age.

Yes.

But everyone was quite confused.

well beautiful look at it on the internet it's amazing

beautiful villa bruschetta is the kind of thing where the best version of it is like why would you need anything else what would you need this it's great you think yeah yeah i mean crunchy

fresh delicious yeah fantastic i think billionaire bruschetta that's how you want it yeah billionaire bruschetta billionaire bruschetta club yeah yeah that's an that's a new series for Netflix sine of hip-hop label yeah yeah billionaire bruschetta it also sounds like a horrible hybrid between billionaire shortbread and bruschetta Yeah.

Like just a thick layer of caramel tomato.

Oh no, Joe.

Look as interested.

Look at who you're talking to.

I'm interested as well.

Look at who you're talking to.

You're thinking I don't want that.

You'd eat that like you were sucking a cock.

I would, I would.

You know how I suck a cock.

I attack attack the cock.

Champion,

champion,

ole, ole, ole.

Would you say, Joe, that I was the champione just then?

I don't know.

You sort of insulted my film, so no.

Was that like a football chance?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He took Aurelio took me to the only football match I've ever been in in my life because he owns Naples.

He owns Napoli.

Yes.

And we drove there the wrong way down a busy road, literally into the oncoming traffic.

Yeah.

It was extraordinary because it was Aurelio and all the fans just parted.

Wow.

Wow.

And we watched a match in Naples football ground, which is really old and they can't rebuild it because it's taken them centuries to figure out where all the different families sit.

And if you knocked it down, Aurelio told me, and rebuild it, you'd have to enter negotiations with all the different families

into how much stand they had.

It's just evolved over so long that it's sort of settled now.

Wow.

But

it's sort of crazy and crumbling.

And it was quite an aggressive, violent, messy game.

I loved it.

During that trip, were you just every five minutes going, what the hell is going on?

I can't quite believe it happened.

He invited me over a few times.

Joe, come to my estate in Sicily.

I give you a million dollars.

Write the film for me.

He owned half of Cinnichetta.

Cinecetta is a very famous Italian film studio where all the Fellini films were shot and stuff.

Okay.

He was a lovely man, but no, I just went home.

He didn't give me a million pounds.

No,

he didn't.

Your dream main course.

Okay, well, I'm going to go somewhere else for my dream main course.

I think I would go to, do you ever like go on holiday?

Do you ever go on holiday?

Yes,

yes, I have been.

Yes, you're so privileged

to Crete or one of the Mediterranean islands.

And you're driving along the coast and you stumble upon what seems like a little family-run restaurant with only three or four tables.

This happened to us on a holiday to Crete, and we stumbled upon this little restaurant by the sea with little tables.

And I think it was run by a husband and wife.

And we thought, well, we'll try this place.

And we sat down and it had just sort of quite a simple menu, fish and chips and grilled shit.

Meaning stuff.

And so we ordered fish and chips and a salad.

So basically it was as if Tom Conte from

Shirley Valentine rolled up his sleeves with his hairy forearms,

waded into the sea, like pleasured a fish to death with his fingers,

bought it out, literally just gutted it, slapped it on the grill while his wife, his grumpy, horny-nosed wife, skinned some fresh potatoes and then threw them dismissively into a scalding pan of boiling hot oil.

And then his luscious daughter peeled a lettuce and sliced a cucumber.

and then they and while they're doing this we're just looking out over the sea and looking at the stars looking at the island of what was it called spin a spina spin a spinalona what's it called by cometon no what is it called i wrote it down spinalonga beautiful island no lights on it you know deserted

and then they just serve you this just incredible fresh yeah grilled fried

yumminess and then the bill comes and it's like almost nothing like a quid so you just tip them incredibly generously because you thought that's how much it would cost so you feel good about that as well and then you leave and then you try and find it again and you can't it's gone it's just like a mystical magical and it burnt down a hundred Mediterranean they were all dead locked in code Netflix January the 27th

but have you ever had an experience like that yeah and it's the very Mediterranean experience as well I think yeah and also Peckham and And Peckham.

No, no, that's not true.

I don't think there's any places like that in Peckham.

It's where the surroundings really help the taste of the food as well, I think.

But also, like, if it's fresh fish and fresh cut chips, it's incredible.

But if you have those surroundings and the company you're with and looking out across the sea, like you can't really get much better than that.

Just me, the simple Mediterranean people.

the fish and my industry friends

chatting about the business

it's the thing i'm always like because I haven't really had an experience like that.

And I'm always very jealous because we've had some guests come on the podcast and fresh caught fish that they've had on a holiday is often one of the things that comes up because obviously it's one of the best things you can eat anywhere.

And every time I'm like, oh, yeah, I want to do it so bad.

Like, and I should, whenever my next holiday is, deliberately go to somewhere where I can do that.

Are you saying you didn't get that at Disney?

No, when I went to Disney World, I didn't get the freshly caught fish.

Yeah.

Because they have to...

SeaWorld would do it.

Yes.

yeah that'd be good should have gone there at disney they do have well fresh fish but they take it and then and then they have to cut it all into the shape of mickey's head yeah and it's just by the time it gets to you it's right or flounder yeah or for nemo yeah oh yeah

let's do your dream side dish yes So

you've got chips with the fish anyway, but that's all part of the mess.

I'm not big on side dishes, to to be honest it feels like being unfaithful you know a bit on the side feels like having a fancy woman do you know what I mean like just have to have the fucking main dish don't like put it on the plate like what's the point but look you're very welcome to put it on the plate but yeah you know this is just an opportunity for an extra bit of delicious food right well I don't know I I really couldn't really think of anything exciting but if I got to have a vegetable right so usually it's the sort of um

it's where you get your veg what I'm trying to think of the word.

It's like the righteous portion of the meal, the good for you bit.

So I would just like somebody to say I've grated some carrot and

put

something nice on it, like some sort of crumbly,

nutty, you know, shit that makes carrot taste nice.

Like a sort of crumb, a crumbly, nutty thing.

You know, the stuff that people do to make boring vegetables taste like they deserve to be eaten.

Some herbs.

Some Some herbs.

I had some the other day and it was delicious.

Yeah.

It was like some oil, maybe some warm butter with bits of like crumbly toast and nuts and probably some little bacon flecks.

Yeah.

You want to elevate anything, put some bacon flecks on.

Yeah.

But it's grated carrot you want.

It was grated, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

You don't want to sit in a high-class restaurant like Bugs Bunny and

nibble.

Whole carrot.

Ah, what's up?

Smoking a cigar then?

Hold on.

We only got what's up there, not doc, but then you were well because it was the matrix D I was talking to

Yeah, and it was a genuine question.

I wanted to know what was up.

What's up?

Yeah, well, I kind of I bailed on the impression midway through because I feel I wasn't committed to it.

I liked it a lot.

Yeah, thank you.

I did that in primary school when I was four or five.

There was a girl and it was her last day at the at the school and we were sitting we were sitting down for like register or whatever and I turned out round and said, hey Siobhan and before I could say anything to her the girl next to me went I love you like that like

and I didn't know what to say so I went what's up doc

and then I turn and then I turned back round and faced the teacher absolutely mortified yeah remember that I still think about it you didn't do the you didn't do the little uh doesn't he make a little noise

going what's up doc and then like and then my back to the phone going

Jesus Christ but like but like yeah also for probably thinking that other kid that was though they were genuinely funny doing the I love you thing that was funny I love that's really funny funny and my thing was really especially for like a five-year-old kid yeah to go like to make use of that little gap of going hey shavord she goes i love you

because that's quite funny for a five-year-old to tell another five-year-old on her last day of school before she leaves that they love them It's quite funny.

This feels like this could be underpinning your whole career.

Yeah, I think it's in that dramatic moment.

It's the origin story, yeah.

It is.

It's the whole thing.

I'm just trying to be funnier than that girl.

Yeah.

But I'll never be funnier than her.

She was five.

Keep working at it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Is it cold grated carrot you want?

Just cold grated carrot.

The grated carrot I had the other day was cold, I think.

Yeah.

Is that all right?

Yeah,

you can have what you want.

No,

I'm just interested.

Cold, grated carrot with some.

I'm sure there's something better out there.

Crummy, spicy shit on top.

No, well, no.

To be fair, I totally agree with you.

It actually...

brings out the flavor a little bit more sometimes.

I mean, carrots taste like dirt, don't they?

However sweet the carrot is,

man.

But no, inside them there is a core of soil,

isn't there?

It's very difficult to eat a carrot that doesn't have a little soily aftertaste.

And so

you don't agree with that?

No.

But

it's also difficult to disagree with because

it's your taste.

Yeah, you don't agree.

I think I've just got a much more refined palate than you guys.

I think you've got a muddy mouth.

A muddy mouth.

You've got a mud mouth.

I do have a muddy mouth.

Well, one of the first words I said in this podcast was shit.

Yeah.

You're clearly right.

Question about your mouth

and your voice.

How many people have asked you this before?

Because I'm genuinely interested in this.

And I don't know if it has been brought up.

But I mean, you must be aware of it.

Is that you, Louis, and Adam have the same voice, right?

Yeah, it's my voice.

They copied it.

Is that what's happened?

Because no one else in the world has it.

Well, you've got to remember, I'm older than them.

I'm the oldest of the three of us.

Louis's the youngest.

Adam's in the middle and I'm the eldest.

So, my

voice broke for the moment.

Let me tell you, I would think of it,

I'd have guessed completely the opposite way around.

Really?

That it was Louis's voice, and Adam was the only one.

I know I'd guess that Louis was the oldest.

Really?

You were the youngest, and Adam still remained.

Well, that's how we've aged.

Louis has become a wizened sort of Magnus Pike figure.

Yeah,

Adam disguised.

That's not true.

He's a very handsome man.

This also isn't true.

Adam

hides his face with a beard, so you don't know what's going on, buddy.

I have the face of a sort of middle-aged Annie Lennox

impersonator, or maybe Sebastian Koe after he's run a very long race.

He's a runner.

I don't know what I look like.

What's the question?

Same voice.

Why do the three of you have the same voice and no one else in the world has that voice?

Well, because we've been friends since we were 13.

Yeah.

And we've spent a long time together.

And I don't know.

I really really don't know.

Also, you all went to the same school, right?

Yeah, but it wasn't like a voice school.

Okay, so I think other people came out of it speaking different dinners.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

But you do copy each other's like if you're close friends, you do.

If you spend a lot of time with someone, yeah, like

I've picked up certain things from Edgar, knowing him a lot.

Yeah.

That I do and I like.

Like directing.

Directing.

A lot of writing tips, but also like he would go, oh lordy, lordy, lord.

And I now love that, that's one of my favorite exclamations.

Oh, Lord.

And in fact, the other day, my mum said it.

And I was like, oh, she never said that before, but I've been saying it around her.

Yeah.

And now she's picked it up.

So it's fun just picking up little mannerisms from friends, isn't it?

It makes life more entertaining.

It is nice.

And it's a nice way of talking the way that the freedom you have.

You've got a good voice.

Yeah, i've got a great voice it's not west country is it no it's ketrin northamptonshire but a lot of people west country was that when i went when i started comedy on open mic circuit everyone assumed i was from the west country and would say that yeah it's quite

out the side of the mouth kind of long ar sounds but it's sort of slightly lazy yeah and uh slightly as an understatement yeah laid back sounding but then you say very assertive things with it which is funny you've got a more like straightforward voice blank Blank.

Just a blank voice.

Little blank voice.

Yeah.

No, you've got a very nice voice, so you've got a very mellifluous voice.

Is it RP?

Is that what people say?

Or is that that...

Does that mean something else?

Receive pronunciation.

What does that mean?

That means just a sort of, I think it's sort of plain, plain, plain voice.

Really plain.

That's what I've been doing.

It's just sort of like, yeah, just like your BBC, your average BBC voice.

Ed had a bit of stand-up once where he said that his face looks like when you're making a character on the wii um and it looks like that person before you've added anything to it yeah and maybe also has the same voice the voice of that as well yeah no you'd be a good sort of a sort of dean kane style you know smallville oh you know

like you could play supermanville as uh yeah what a compliment yeah did you ever ever have bbc voice have you ever had bbc voice training no I had BBC voice training.

Did you?

A woman trained me.

This is when I was doing the BBC, the Radio 4 film review show.

So I had had that official training.

She tore the corners off a piece of A4 paper, stuck them with seller tape to the microphone like cat's ears.

She didn't know I had a cat.

You breathed in and they immediately stuck to your epiglottis.

Yes, luckily that didn't happen.

How many plies we're talking?

I'm not sure A4 paper has plies.

I think those are tissues.

Listen.

So then...

She said, talk to the microphone like you're talking to your cat.

Wow.

And that's why when you listen to Radio 4, it's particularly soothing and addictive.

And she also said, talk to the microphone like you're talking to your partner who is lying next to you in your bed

with their head on the next door pillow.

Next door pillow?

Knock, knock.

I'm coming in.

And so, yes, so that's why there's a sort of slightly sexy, close, or certainly there used to be a slightly sort of sexy, close mic tone to Radio 4.

And it's why it's the housewife.

It's a bit of a the training's wearing off

it's why it's the housewife's favorite, you know well see if I if I got a radio four show it'd just be me going don't jump on the shelf get away get away from that vase because my girlfriend's always doing that really yeah she jumped on the shelf

She's always everywhere.

Why did couldn't she just say speak to the microphone like it's your cat?

Why did she have to put the ears on?

I don't know because that's the sort of inspirational teacher methodology that got her where she was.

Yeah.

Her tail?

Does she add a little tail tail to the other side?

She did not add a tail.

That was a wire, right?

Oh, yeah.

You pretend that's the tail.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, listen, you might make a better teacher than her by extending the cat analogy.

A couple of little legs off of it.

Yeah.

Well, thank you for answering that question about your voice because

I think it all the time.

I know

it's a personal question.

Well, I'm sorry if it's confusing.

And maybe I'll try and get a new voice.

I was trying.

Homer

Yeah, any of those any good?

You started talking like Homer.

I don't know.

I'm just this is just the beginning.

It's very protoplasmic,

embryonic.

And I'll keep working on it.

Maybe I need to contact the lady again.

Yeah.

Hello, I need a new voice.

What animal should I speak to?

I sound too similar to my friends and everyone's getting confused.

Can you design a new voice for me?

Of course I can.

I designed Stephen Fry's voice.

I designed...

Who else has got a particularly distinctive voice?

McKellen.

I designed Ian McKellen's voices.

That took me years.

I shall design a new voice for you.

It's very expensive, but I can do it.

Can you afford it?

Yes.

And get that tenant to pay for it.

Yes.

Very well.

You won't be hearing from me for several months.

But when you do hear it from me again, I will have a new voice for you.

Thanks very much.

Hang up the phone.

And will the voice be that voice you were just like?

I like that.

Who knows?

You should nick the voice off that lady.

Yeah, that would be good if you started.

It's tiring, isn't it?

Listen, let's all do the rest of this podcast in new voices, in different voices.

Well, let's do it in each other's voices.

Well, that might be insulting.

Yeah, but then we could just carry on the podcast as normal and pretend it's the other person talking.

All right, let's do it.

Oh, that's good.

Joe.

Well, thank you for having me on your podcast, guys.

That's a pleasure.

Thanks for coming, Joe.

So tell us again about your Netflix show.

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Dream drink.

James.

Look at me like I need to.

As you know, I don't like hot drinks.

I only just started drinking lemon and ginger, but it's not one of my favorite drinks yet.

And actually, I drink alcohol, but

I don't drink it that much, took my favorite drink.

So actually, my favourite drink would just be a Ribena.

That's good.

Did I get that right?

Well, Dan, I don't think I could host this podcast.

Did I get that right?

That it would be a Ribena?

No, no, I don't like Ribena.

No.

No, I don't like Ribena.

My drink, you want to know my drink?

Yes, please.

That's essentially it.

It's not a hot drink, is it?

You're completely telling anything.

I tell you what, I'm drinking a lot of at the moment is Coke Zero.

Good on you.

Yeah, I mean, we were in the writer's room for this show, and one of the writers was drinking coke zero i'd never encountered it before you never even crossed paths with it well no i think i was drinking like i'm i'm very infantile with drinks i was drinking squash

i was drinking orange fresh orange juice watered down maybe some water fresh orange juice watered down is pretty grown up though i'd say yeah maybe because you're watering it down but then i try and it tastes really good coke zero yeah Really good.

And I don't drink tea or coffee, so I do need some caffeine from somewhere.

So that's where I get it from.

I worry about what's in it in Coke Zero yeah I don't know how they're making it taste so sweet yeah well it's artificial sweeteners and like but it is it is it aspartame or whatever aspartame yeah but that's I think sometimes about it because like obviously so I'm a I'm similar so I like Coke Zero Diet Coke yeah Pepsi match yeah Diet Coke's much more watery isn't it and girly than uh

than Coke Zero which is a man is it's specifically designed for men it was.

It was targeted for like...

The lettering is black,

like darkness and fear, and things that men are concerned with.

But yes, they were trying to aim it at people.

It's like, again, I mean, I don't want to come across as just a massive fan of Ed Gamble's comedy here, but Ed had a bit about moisturizer having to rebrand itself.

He's like, oh, it's bulldog moisturizer for men, which is exactly the same moisturizer as any other thing.

But he's having to make stupid men use it and actually take care of themselves.

That was the premise.

There was punchlines and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, some punchlines in it.

That would have been good enough for me.

Do his cash phase a lot of the time.

Just

observation on the table.

Right, so it's just say moisturizer, guys.

So on to the next bit.

I remember watching that routine and thinking, do you know what?

I know he's my friend, but that's a bloody good point.

And also to me, because I haven't had full fat Coke in ages.

So Coke Zero and Diet Coke tastes just like a full fat Coke now.

So there's no point in me having a full fat Coke.

You can tell the difference, though, between Coke Zero and diet coke right yes what's the difference i think you're right that the diet coke tastes a bit more water down

a little bit of perfume in it i think there's a really a splash of perfume

you think they've more marketed it to women by putting perfume yeah it's just lighter and more airy yeah sort of like a convertible car long blonde hair blowing in the wind do you know what i mean no but it says a lot about you

whereas coke zero zero yeah yeah we can deal with zero we're not frightened of zero nothing zero on a hot day what would you prefer what i'd always go for coke zero because it's sweeter yeah

it tastes sweeter and i did read up on it and you'd have to drink like liters and liters a day for it to have or a rat would have to drink liters and liters a day before the rat started growing enormous balls

on its on its head on its head that is what happens with too much because it's so, it's got testosterone in it.

It's sweetened with testosterone.

Diet Coke has a little bit of perfume.

Coke Zero has a little bit of testosterone.

If you drink too much, you start just getting too manly.

If you like the Coke Zero sweeter.

Yeah.

So have you ever

dove into the world of Cherry Pepsi Max?

No, no, no.

I don't, no, I don't.

Do you like that stuff?

We like Cherry Pepsi Max.

Right, and I've got a vote to pick.

I think there's a conspiracy to to get rid of Cherry Pepsi Max.

Really?

Every petrol station I've been into recently, and that's a lot, all the Cherry Pepsi Max is gone.

And

it's Pepsi Max with raspberry,

which looks almost exactly the same because it's only a tiny little fruit emblem.

So I've bought that accidentally a few times.

And the Coke Zero with Cherry is taking up most of the shelf space.

I think...

I've not seen a Cherry Pepsi Max for about a month.

That does happen every now and then.

Every now and then there's like machinations in the industry that the consumer can barely glimpse.

Like when Haribo took over the entire sweet industry,

that happened by stealth, didn't it?

One year there was pick and mix.

The next year there was fucking Haribo.

That's all you can get.

They could be phasing it out.

They could be.

I think no one drinks the vas.

Why would you phase it out?

No one drinks the vase.

No one over 12 generally drinks that stuff, do they?

What?

Cherry Pokes and Max is my little treat when I'm driving somewhere.

Thank you.

Yes.

Have you had one?

Would you drink cherry juice?

Oh, lovely cup of fresh cherry juice.

Would you get a cherry juicer?

I'd get a little cherry juicer.

And drink fresh cherry juice.

For a while,

I always used to have a bottle of sour cherry juice in the fridge because I heard it was healthy.

Seriously?

Yeah.

And was it nice?

Yeah.

You can buy it in concentrate as well, put it in like smoothies and stuff.

Would you squeeze a cherry into a drink just to add a little bouquet?

100% I'd do that.

Yeah.

You're crazy.

In a little cocktail, I'd like spritz a cherry on, wipe it around the edge of the glass.

Oh, would you?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

You're classy.

I love cherries i feel very uh pedestrian in your company

my wife's bought a cherry stoner have you ever seen those things oh i love that i love the sound of that is that someone who's never smoked weed before

what a cherry stoner yes uh that very good i'm there thank you no it pushes the um stone out of a cherry yeah At first I thought, what is this ridiculous gadget cluttering up our cutlery drawer?

And now I can't eat a cherry without it.

It's incredibly efficient.

Is it very satisfying to use it?

It sounds satisfying.

It's very satisfying.

It's it precisely just ejects that stone.

Yeah, that's so cool.

It's really good.

I recommend it.

You'd love it.

I'd love it.

You're a cherry Fernado.

Cherry Fernando.

I'm a Cherry Fernado.

How?

Yeah.

You're a Nelly Furtado.

Nelly Furtado.

The Cherry Fernado.

Yeah, Nelly Fotado.

We've all seen Nellado.

Your dream dessert.

You know, I'm not a big pudding fan

because

I would rather skip pudding.

Okay.

Feel superior.

Oh, I'm not going to have any pudding.

Yeah.

Everyone else eats awful puddings.

You've got a pudding YouTube channel, haven't you, or something?

Haven't you?

So you're heavily into puddings.

Yeah, we've done a YouTube series called Jack.

Yeah, James is looking.

James' pudding.

I don't know.

Something's going on.

I'm ready for whatever's going to happen here.

You're skipping pudding so I'm skipping pudding but I'll tell you what I'm doing later

later so I felt self-righteous skipping pudding and watching it and everyone else stuffs their faces and secretly they're thinking oh Joe's better than me he's not having pudding yeah that's good

later I'm going to the fucking news agent and I'm buying some fucking sweets okay good because

because the confectionery industry has surpassed the pudding industry wow that is big claim that is why round trees and mars have started to migrate into the puddings industry okay snickers ice cream yeah revels mousse uh-huh you know the puddings industry hasn't migrated into the confectionery industry what do you mean revels mousse yeah well are you buying it you don't know what flavour it is until you get home you know yeah you can get a revels mousse you can't get a revels you can get maltese mousse yeah maltese yeah a revels

would be magic yeah it'd be like a willy wong when you'd have those bits in i mean they should do it or it could be like a fruit corner where you tip the contents into the chocolate pizza Or it'd have to be like one pot.

You don't know what it is until you get home.

So you get home and go, oh, it's like a...

It's a massive oversized pot.

Yeah, it's a minstrel flavour mousse.

And then another time, yeah, it's a coffee one.

But there's nothing a pudding can do that confectionery can't do better.

What?

Wow.

Well, hold on.

What about heat and texture?

Listen.

Yeah.

I'm very relieved that you're having a dessert and it is a sweet thing.

But at the same time,

this claim is.

So for my dessert, two and a half hours later,

I'm having a Yorkie biscuit and raisin duo.

Another product specifically designed for men.

Yeah, what is your problem, man?

They literally had a whole marketing campaign that was

excluded.

I'm very, very manly.

Yeah.

But that's my current Jones.

It's the best Yorkie.

That's what I'm going for at the moment.

The best Yorkie.

Yeah.

By a country market.

I don't think I will ever eat any of the other Yorkies again, because why would you?

The Raisin Biscuit Yorkie is clearly the best.

I love the little bits of biscuit.

I would love a bag of just little bits of biscuit.

I'd love to eat them.

I could graze on that quite easily.

I think they're very satisfyingly,

perfectly spherical as little bits of biscuit.

Nice packaging as well.

Royal purple.

Royal purple.

Prince loved them.

Really?

Lovely the yellow and purple goes together.

Yeah.

Yeah, he only ate and drinked.

He only ate purple, purple things.

He did only drink that.

That's what sent him to an early grave.

Too many York.

69?

Maybe not.

I think he was 69.

He wasn't, wasn't he?

I thought that's a new format point.

Wow.

Once you finish your Yorkie.

You've had your Yorkie.

What did you like to 69?

The old double cigar?

After a heavy meal.

Yeah, I mean, you won't win.

No.

I might be breezy.

Immediately after a heavy meal?

Actually, I think

Bowie was 69 and they died in the same year.

So that's what I'm saying.

I don't think it was.

Is that the famous year that...

No, that's not the famous year.

2016, everyone died.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so there you go.

So I know that's controversial but so if i had to have a pudding from the menu i would go for a single scoop of vanilla ice cream no no no don't we don't want to make you

have something you got you go to the garage or whatever or the news agents and get yourself a purple yorkie and i love that and you're getting the duo which i respect as well because there's a few more lumps on it the single yorkies not enough it's not enough is it it's quite annoyingly not enough actually

when it's i mean all of these chocolate bars that they say family pack, sharing bag, duo, I mean, that's bullshit, isn't it?

That's for what?

And they know it's bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're just legal loopholes.

Which one they change.

They can't call it a king size anymore.

Yeah.

Must be a thing.

But no one's sharing that.

No.

Thinking shit, are they?

Do you still think?

Do you still think king size in your head?

When you're eating it?

Do you think this is king size?

Oh, because did they used to be called king size?

Yeah, they were called king size.

King signed king size and

they're still duo.

You're someone who likes to quite heavily apply gender to their foods.

And then you have been like, this is king.

I'm a king.

This is king size.

I'm a king.

Yeah, I would feel like a king.

If you made that movie now, The Kid Who Would Be King.

Yes.

You'd have to change it to The Kid Who Would Be Duo and have to have two kids in the lead role.

That would be very good.

Yeah,

and it could have been sponsored by Yorkie.

Yeah.

And yeah, instead of

Excalibur, it could have been a chocolate sword with some biscuit bits in it.

That would be nice.

That That would be very nice.

It would come out of the stone more easily.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, if the right person wields it, you know, don't want to pick you up on the phone, but you know, it'd have it to be, I guess, if it was a Yorkie sword, yeah, it'd just be loads of people.

Well, it would snap off too easily, wouldn't it?

I don't think it would come out this way.

Well, I think the Yorkie would have it that it'd be the whole film would be women trying to pull it out and it not working.

And then right at the end, just any bloke goes, yeah,

a truck driver.

And pulls it out, I get out.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Water.

you want a big expensive bottle of sparkling water, and you want a champagne flute to drink out of.

Pop-ums of bread, you want bread from Morrow with olive oil.

Yeah, starter, the prochetta from Rudolph Nuriev's private island.

Yes, yes, I do.

Main course, fresh fish with chips and salad from a Creek restaurant that you can never find again.

Yeah.

Side dish, grated cold carrot with crumbly shit that makes it delicious.

Yeah, that's what I want written on the menu as well.

Drink, Coke Zero.

Dessert, you're going to pass, but but then hours later, you're going to have a biscuit and raisin Yorkie Duo from a news agent.

Yeah, that really does sound delicious.

Yeah.

You're excited about it.

If you'd like to hear that.

I mean, it felt silly while we were doing it, but now I think this has been very useful.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what a lot of our guests feel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They feel awful during the main, the main record.

And then

when the results are good actually,

they feel really pleased.

It makes sense.

And it's quite healthy that as well, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Fresh grilled fish, buschetta.

Lovely.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

I mean, that's quite a healthy.

I wouldn't see someone eat that and call them unhealthy.

Sort of Mediterranean.

Yeah.

Sort of that healthy Mediterranean thing, you know, in like the Olivio advert, the like Mediterranean.

And I'm in beautiful locations.

Yeah.

Apart from the garage.

Yeah.

That's where you end up after all that.

But there'll be a garage somewhere on, even if you're on the Amalfi coast, there'll be a garage.

Yeah, yeah.

They can get it.

I'm sure Aurelio could sort you out with the speedboat to a local garage.

Well, he'd private jet the Yorkies in.

Yeah.

Oh, wouldn't he?

Yes, that would be the final thing to convince you to write the film for him.

I'll I'll get you all the Yorkies your heart could desire.

An infinite Yorkie bar just went on forever.

How many chunks do you reckon you'd get through the infinite Yorkie bar?

What, before I died?

Before you died, or you just gave up?

I would not give up.

Okay, before you died.

Would you say

when you did that,

you'd attack the chalk?

Champion,

champion,

ole, ole, ole.

What I would say is...

Will you admit that I'm the champion now?

Yeah, you are.

You are the champion.

I would say that Joe didn't enjoy it the first time you did, man.

Yeah, I do admit that.

Yeah, I knew that it was going to go badly.

Joe thinks that I'm making fun of his thing, which I'm not.

But

I saw Attack the Chuck there.

It was right in front of me.

And I just wanted to do it again.

Yeah.

That would be

because I wanted to sing Champione.

You sang it beautifully.

Ed joined in with me the first time I did it.

Yeah, but I knew it.

And then the second time.

But then I really got the sense that Joe didn't enjoy it.

So I thought, I thought Joe's.

Well, I just feel alienated.

You know, I know I did a podcast.

right yeah and

and we developed like weird that only people who listen to the podcast would know yeah right we had this call and response thing yeah stephen yeah stephen

other people would shout just coming and uh if i did it or or like i was at a venue and someone i was with didn't know the podcast and someone shouted stephen i'd go just coming like what the fuck are you talking about yeah so just that's how i feel i've done that when you feel championi i feel i feel late to the party yeah yeah well to be honest full disclosure we've recorded our intro for you before you got here yeah i decided during the intro that uh if you were to choose i was worried you wouldn't choose a pudding right if you chose cheese you wanted a block of cheese i would say attack the block of cheese and then i sing champion and then i decided to say and then i would sing champione afterwards there was no reason behind it so it's not a long-running joke on the pod right it literally happened before you got here i wouldn't even say it's one that I'm in on.

No?

No, it's one of those things that I decided to do for my own amusement.

And what did you expect from me?

You did exactly what.

What did you want from me?

Oh, definitely.

I thought you'd be confused.

I didn't think

you were going to think I was being rude about your film.

That's what you originally said.

That's just my face.

And then I was like, hmm, I shouldn't do it again after that first time.

It's what I said to myself in my head.

I was like, well, don't do it again.

But then when you were saying I would continue to eat the chocolate over and over the block and I would never stop eating this chocolate, I was like, it's chocolates.

We're talking about blocks of chocolates.

It's all there.

But sorry, because I didn't want to make you feel alienated when you're the guest.

Well, it's too late now.

It's too late.

But I do apologize.

So that's why you apologise, right?

Well, that's what we like to do.

We like to welcome guests into the podcast.

And then at the end of the podcast, so you don't feel like you're missing out on anything by ending, we immediately alienate you and make it quite cold.

What was my thing that I'm not allowed to say?

College pasty.

College pasty.

I guessed that it might be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We didn't really think that one through.

We've run out of stuff.

So it's a gift, whatever, anyway.

200.

You're coming up to your 200th.

Not far off.

Not far off.

A lot of podcasts.

I can't wait.

Thanks so much, Joe.

Thank you, Joe.

Thanks for having me.

Thank you so much to Joe Cornish for coming on the show.

How exciting was that, James?

That was extremely exciting.

I felt like a naughty little boy sometimes.

You were a naughty little boy, always.

very odd sometimes when you are speaking to someone in our audio format when you have listened to them so much on an audio format yeah i occasionally found myself transported to just being to listening to the adam and joe show yeah podcast and it was odd for me yes uh but but a treat also i find his voice very relaxing yes so um yeah i'd be lulled sometimes as well yeah but i think we did well i think we were never lulled at the same time never lulled at the same time that's us Because that's what people say about us.

We're alternate lullers.

That's why we work well as co-hosts.

Yeah.

Because we never both fall into a lull at the same time.

Yeah, that's the best co-hosts and sort of partner presenting team.

They're the ones who are alternately tuned out of what's going on.

Yeah, absolutely.

So like just then when you were talking, I went in a lull, but it was okay.

Thank you to Joe for not choosing

Kit Kat Junkies.

No, that wasn't.

You've been lulled again, haven't you?

Well, I remember what the secret ingredient was.

Microwave vegetables.

No, that's a different one.

Cornish pasty.

It's Cornish pasty.

Thank you to Joe for not

choosing Cornish pasty.

Make sure you watch Lockwood and Co.

That is on Netflix Now, Joe's new show.

If a ghost touches you, you dared.

Yeah.

And then you become a ghost?

Guess so.

And then you touch someone else?

We'll have to watch Lockwood and Co.

to find out.

I'm very excited to watch it.

It sounds quite up my street, actually.

Absolutely.

Also, we've got some thank yous to do.

Thank you so much to Origin Coffee for sending us a massive box of coffee.

Yep.

And also a cap.

Oh, yes.

It's a cap, a cool cap in there.

Thank you to my parents doing a great job.

Those are me.

And thank you to Hallen Mon Salt or Halen Mon.

I'm never sure how to say it.

I'm so sorry if people would like to correct me or tell me how to say Halen Mon or Halenmon or Hallen Moan.

I've been told as well.

So just the salt.

from Anglesey.

Yeah.

It's fantastic stuff.

Delicious.

The thing is, they sent us some more more salt.

I love it.

So I've got a pot of it on the side.

Keep it in

a little sealed pot.

I've got another little pot of it because they also sell to Marks and Spencer's and I bought some when I was on tour to take around with me.

Yeah.

I've got a big bag of it and then in the cupboard the other day, I found a kilogram bag that I'd bought a couple of months ago.

Right.

So warning to all slugs, don't mess with Ed Campbell.

Do not mess with me.

You'll be fizzing in no time.

That sounds nice, though, for them.

Yeah, good on them.

And do do you know what?

If I was a slug and someone were to salt me, I'd like it to be that salt.

Yeah.

Tell them on salt, please.

And you can start putting that on your website.

Yeah.

Even slugs love it.

Yeah, even slugs love it.

Or a quote from James A.

Caster: if I was a slug, I'd like that to be the salt.

Yeah.

Sorry, I'd laugh there just because Ed so quickly

agreed with even slugs love it.

Yes, even slugs love it.

Yeah.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again next time.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Even Slugs.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.