The Christmas Dinner Party (Live at Southbank Centre’s Royal Festival Hall)

Speaker 1 James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 3 Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

Speaker 1 I have. We've done live shows there.
And guess what? We're doing more live shows there next year. Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.
But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Speaker 1 Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run. The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest. Those shows have been a lot of fun.
We cannot wait to do them live.

Speaker 1 Who will we pull out of our little magic bag? You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

Speaker 4 If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Speaker 1 Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m. And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.
So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

Speaker 5 The day in between is for reflecting.

Speaker 6 Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.365 by Whole Foods Market seasonal coffee and oatmeal.

Speaker 6 Grab ready-to-heat meals that are perfect for the office and save on versatile no antibiotics ever chicken breasts. Stock up now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

Speaker 7 It's that time of year again, back to school season.

Speaker 7 And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

Speaker 7 So here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Speaker 7 Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back on track.

Speaker 7 Instacart, we're here.

Speaker 8 Tired of spills and stains on your sofa?

Speaker 8 WashableSofas.com has your back, featuring the Annibay collection, the only designer sofa that's machine washable inside and out, where designer quality meets budget-friendly prices.

Speaker 8 That's right, sofas started just $699.

Speaker 8 Enjoy a no-risk experience with pet-friendly, stain-resistant, and changeable slip covers made with performance fabrics.

Speaker 8 Experience cloud-like comfort with high-resilience foam that's hypoallergenic and never needs fluffing. The sturdy steel frame ensures longevity and the modular pieces can be rearranged anytime.

Speaker 8 Check out washablesofas.com and get up to 60% off your Anibay sofa, backed by a 30-day satisfaction guarantee. If you're not absolutely in love, send it back for a full refund.

Speaker 8 No return shipping or restocking fees. Every penny back.
Upgrade now at washablesofas.com. Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Speaker 11 Hey, I'm Paige DeSorbo, and I'm always thinking about underwear.

Speaker 13 I'm Hannah Berner, and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage.

Speaker 14 I like to call them my granny panties.

Speaker 12 Actually, I never think about underwear.

Speaker 15 That's the magic of Tommy John.

Speaker 14 Same, they're so light and so comfy, and if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

Speaker 17 And the bras, soft, supportive, and actually breathable.

Speaker 16 Yes, Lord knows the girls need to breathe. Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night.

Speaker 14 That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

Speaker 18 Plus, they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

Speaker 22 Put yourself on to Tommy John.

Speaker 23 Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John.

Speaker 11 Save 25% for a limited time at tommyjohn.com slash comfort.

Speaker 18 See site for details.

Speaker 9 Raise your hand if you want your nails to look perfect all the time. Me too.
I'm Sarah Gibson-Tuttle from Olive and June, and this is exactly why we created the Manny system.

Speaker 9 We wanted to make it possible for everyone everywhere to give themselves a beautiful manicure at home.

Speaker 9 With our tools and our long-lasting polish, each manicure with our Manny system comes out to just $2.

Speaker 9 That's right, $2.

Speaker 9 No more $30, $40, $50 Mannis that you get at a salon and they take hours. Now you can paint your nails on your time and love them more than ever.
And by the way, When people ask, who did your nails?

Speaker 9 Where did you get them done? You're going to proudly say, I did them myself. Get 20% off your first Manning system with code perfectmanny20 at olive and june.com/slash perfectmani20.

Speaker 9 That's code perfectmani20 for 20% off at olive and june.com/slash perfectmany20.

Speaker 1 Happy Christmas, everybody. It's the Off-Menu podcast.
It's Christmas Day. It's Christmas Day when we're releasing this, but you're very welcome to listen to it whenever you like.

Speaker 1 But you may be listening to this on Christmas Day 2022. We hope you're having a day.

Speaker 25 Yes, it doesn't matter what the day is, but now the day just got better because we're here.

Speaker 1 We're here. This is just a quick intro because we are today presenting the Great Bonito Presents.

Speaker 26 The Great Benito Presents.

Speaker 1 The Off-Menu Christmas Dinner Party recorded recorded live at the South Bank Center not five days ago.

Speaker 25 Very excited to share this with you. It was an amazing evening.

Speaker 25 And also, we were very excited that night because the audience did not know who was going to come on stage, what was going to happen as far as they were concerned.

Speaker 25 I think a lot of them thought it was going to be a traditional episode.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 25 We have one guest on and ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

Speaker 25 But instead, it was a dinner party format where for each course we bring out a different guest from the past and we talk to them about Christmas.

Speaker 1 No, it wasn't for each course, James.

Speaker 26 Well, that's the way I saw it in my head.

Speaker 1 Okay, well look it's a fun old thing. We hope you enjoy it.
It was absolute chaos. I don't know how the great Benito has edited it.

Speaker 1 So please enjoy the off-menu Christmas dinner party live at the South Bank Centre.

Speaker 24 Ho ho ho!

Speaker 28 Hello, people at the Southbank Centre. It is Claudia here, you know, the old orange one who doesn't really like water.
This is the off-menu Christmas Spectacular Live.

Speaker 28 Please welcome your hosts, Ed Gamble and James A.

Speaker 30 Castor.

Speaker 30 Yes,

Speaker 30 welcome, welcome, welcome to the Off-Menu Christmas Dinner Party.

Speaker 31 thank you very much James didn't tell me we were dressing up

Speaker 31 and I said why have you done that and he's went ah I'm the weird one so

Speaker 34 bang in character already thank you Ed hello everybody

Speaker 31 Ed why don't you tell them what the podcast is Oh no that's your job I need to do an intro that I genuinely only thought of when I walked onto the stage so welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Speaker 31 Taking the mince meat of conversation, putting it into the pie crust of the internet, and spooning over the brandy butter of friendship.

Speaker 43 Perfect, that's one of his best!

Speaker 44 That is a good one.

Speaker 45 That is their gamble. My name is James Zacaster.

Speaker 46 We own a dream restaurant and every week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite dessert

Speaker 48 shit.

Speaker 49 What the fuck?

Speaker 50 I know they cause dessert, side dish, and drink.

Speaker 51 Not in that order.

Speaker 52 No, definitely not in that order.

Speaker 53 I know you like desserts, but Jesus Christ, man.

Speaker 41 Are you put off that there were people still coming in?

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 54 Yes.

Speaker 31 It's very rude to be late to a dinner party.

Speaker 46 That's what this is, by the way. This is a dinner party.

Speaker 56 Usually we'd have one guest on and we ask them their dream menu.

Speaker 27 And that, yay, that's fun and we like it.

Speaker 46 But during the lockdowns, we did some streaming gigs where we'd do a dinner party and get a bunch of old guests back to discuss their old choices, catch up with them, see how they're doing.

Speaker 46 And that's what we thought we'd do tonight.

Speaker 36 A bunch of surprise guests, fan favourites, if you will.

Speaker 58 Are you excited about that?

Speaker 31 I cannot, I cannot wait for you to see who we've got. It's genuinely exciting.
You're gonna lose your fucking minds.

Speaker 52 We

Speaker 59 haven't got Claudia.

Speaker 45 No.

Speaker 31 That did sound like Claudia was backstage and I only realised that when the announcement was playing out. She's not there.

Speaker 46 We wanted to cram as many friendly faces from the past in as we could so we got Claudia to do that and then yeah, didn't think that we were maybe teasing you a little bit

Speaker 31 Plus James is a traitor, so she won't come on.

Speaker 65 I'm not a hundred percent

Speaker 65 That is not true, I'm a hundred percent come all you faithful

Speaker 4 Christmas

Speaker 67 You're a traitor.

Speaker 43 You're a traitor.

Speaker 64 You're a traitor.

Speaker 68 You can't look me in the eyes

Speaker 31 You don't want to look you in the fucking eyes.

Speaker 47 You've got weird glasses on do you know what I get the sense that person could be a traitor but then they then lied about being a magician

Speaker 31 well if you haven't seen the traitors this has been a complete waste of time I'll be honest

Speaker 72 I'm obsessed

Speaker 74 I now just think who's the traitor that's my whole life now it's figuring out who the traitors are

Speaker 31 We've sort of penciled in this bit of the show for James to write his new stand-up show on stage.

Speaker 52 100%.

Speaker 75 Oh, sense, man.

Speaker 74 100 oh think about the trips 100

Speaker 46 why am i faithful because i know i'm faithful

Speaker 31 my favorite that is my favorite defense they do it all the time i don't know judging by the reaction i'd say 75 of the people don't know what the fuck you're on about at the moment

Speaker 59 ed welcome to my tour shows

Speaker 52 Because I know I'm faithful, that's why.

Speaker 31 Shall we bring on our first guest, James? Yeah.

Speaker 53 Yeah, please.

Speaker 78 Listen, we're excited about everyone tonight, but we apologise for this first one.

Speaker 31 Genuinely.

Speaker 49 Condoms?

Speaker 2 Rubber up!

Speaker 42 Rubber up for this first guest!

Speaker 31 This guy is teeming with disease.

Speaker 55 You gotta rub her up.

Speaker 59 Don't sweeps. I threw sweeps into the audience.

Speaker 46 I'd forgotten that I asked Benito to give me those months ago for the gift. I said, Christmas gig.
I wanted to throw sweets into the crowd.

Speaker 56 And just before I came on, he went, your sweets are on stage.

Speaker 59 I was like, what?

Speaker 29 What are you on about?

Speaker 56 You're high as a kite, Benito.

Speaker 31 And we'd forgotten that we asked to book this first guest.

Speaker 80 Shall we welcome him to the stage?

Speaker 81 Yes.

Speaker 41 Please welcome him.

Speaker 82 This person is actually the only person who's ever only done fair enough.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 78 Was I meant to say it with you?

Speaker 41 No, no, no, don't worry, man.

Speaker 31 You just talk about the traitors for another 10 minutes.

Speaker 36 I love it. What's what I love about it is that

Speaker 71 they always go, I'd be fine if anyone accused me.

Speaker 46 I don't know why I was being so emotional. And someone goes, I think it's you.
And they go, No!

Speaker 31 Better get a wriggle on because the traitor starts in one hour, 20 minutes.

Speaker 47 Please, welcome to the on-menu Christmas dinner party,

Speaker 85 Mish Kumar!

Speaker 85 Yes!

Speaker 85 Here he is!

Speaker 86 Uh-oh, what's this? Ba-bam!

Speaker 85 Off-menu merch!

Speaker 31 God, you guys lost it for Nish.

Speaker 31 Imagine what you're gonna do when the good guests come on.

Speaker 43 Oh, you know what?

Speaker 87 You honkies can shove it.

Speaker 59 All right.

Speaker 84 Oh, here we go, all the.

Speaker 88 How long did that take for a deck called honkies?

Speaker 31 Just to let you know, Nish, at the sound check, when you weren't here, we were like, oh, Nish is coming on stage.

Speaker 31 Then we mimed the first bit of the conversation with you, and I went, Nish, we are not racist, and you've done it quicker than I did in the joke.

Speaker 87 I've got a brand.

Speaker 87 I've got my off-menu t-shirt on, and I've got my off-menu underpants on. One of you on each ball, Benito on the disk.

Speaker 76 Fair enough, that's where I'd put him.

Speaker 87 I can't believe you two have a menswear collab.

Speaker 3 Yeah?

Speaker 92 It's

Speaker 87 I don't think this is hyperbolic evidence of the decline of the West.

Speaker 80 Hey, come on, we have the maid in the East.

Speaker 67 That is that's good gear.

Speaker 81 You can't have a go at us for that.

Speaker 69 Come on.

Speaker 93 I can't believe you call this honkiesman.

Speaker 52 In this show, I don't know if anyone's got to see Richard's solo stand-up.

Speaker 41 I've been brought here.

Speaker 87 I wondered why they'd booked me. And now I find out it's to air some grievances here.

Speaker 41 So, come on, let's have it, colonizers.

Speaker 44 Welcome to the off-menu.

Speaker 58 You drew first blood, man.

Speaker 31 Welcome to the off-menu bone-picking dinner party.

Speaker 4 In Nish's show,

Speaker 90 his stand-up show, he slags off our podcast, and he says it's Crackers Talking to Other Crackers About Crackers.

Speaker 31 It's a good bit.

Speaker 74 I said it was...

Speaker 31 Welcome to the Christmas show. It's Crackers Talking to Other Crackers About Crackers and Crackers.

Speaker 43 Oh,

Speaker 43 great.

Speaker 96 Man, I've got to get off the bench.

Speaker 62 This guy's on fire.

Speaker 41 I said it was irrefutable proof of white male privilege.

Speaker 88 Yes.

Speaker 87 It's after a long section. It's very difficult to contextualise.
It's after a very long section section where I talk about me receiving death threats.

Speaker 31 Mitch, I'll sum it up for you.

Speaker 88 I've got a therapist.

Speaker 53 Hold on. It's my show.

Speaker 38 Oh, your show is... I've got a therapist because Bean stole my missus.

Speaker 31 That's a good show. That's a good show.
It is a good show.

Speaker 63 More people can relate to that.

Speaker 84 That's a relatable show, man.

Speaker 87 It's one of the least, I like it a lot, but it's one of the least relatable shows in human history.

Speaker 31 Some of us are up here doing God's work and burying their mental health problems.

Speaker 43 Thank you very much.

Speaker 87 All I say is there's a very long section that culminates in me imagining Ed in a documentary about my assassination crying. And then I say something about pop-adops or bread.

Speaker 87 And then when the audience, as they always did, cheered, I took them to task, said that the podcast was evidence of white male privilege, and that I said that you two were so white, Ed looks like a Disney prince before the corporation remembered about racism, and James is so white, it looks like someone threw a corduroy vest over a ghost.

Speaker 31 And let me tell you, when I saw that show, I thought, fuck, I escaped that very well.

Speaker 87 Yeah, you my girlfriend actually said, oh, Ed comes out of that very nicely. Oh, you've said he's handsome like a cartoon prince, James.

Speaker 46 When I saw it, he did an extra five minutes on me.

Speaker 58 Said I was so white people could see me from space.

Speaker 4 And you did that because you wanted to deflect from the fact you just ripped your trousers on stage.

Speaker 87 Yes, I did just rip my trousers on. Okay, I went into a controlled lunge.

Speaker 31 That was the name of the show, wasn't it?

Speaker 87 The gusset of my trousers was compromised.

Speaker 87 And then James, what did you think when that happened?

Speaker 71 I thought you, well, here's what happened.

Speaker 46 Nish is on stage, and he does a bit where he goes down, and then he stops here, and he goes, ah,

Speaker 27 now something has happened.

Speaker 78 And I thought, well, he's finally shat himself onto it.

Speaker 29 So if you know, Nish, that you would think that what will one day happen, and that is what I assumed had happened.

Speaker 31 You are rolling the dice every time you walk on stage.

Speaker 95 I'm not rolling the dice, okay?

Speaker 87 Am I frequent in my movements?

Speaker 104 Yes.

Speaker 31 Do you never know when those movements are going to come?

Speaker 34 No.

Speaker 87 Is it because I have upwards of 15 coffees a day?

Speaker 48 Probably.

Speaker 61 Now, Nish, you are the only ever off-menu guest who has only done a Christmas menu.

Speaker 106 Are you aware of this?

Speaker 87 History Maker.

Speaker 106 You've never actually given your dream menu.

Speaker 27 Not that we're going to ask you.

Speaker 51 And I never will.

Speaker 31 Well, it's lucky we're not going to ask you today.

Speaker 107 But you were very Christmassy.

Speaker 31 You have to do the full Christmas menu.

Speaker 52 I have the full Christmas menu.

Speaker 31 Now the Christmas guests do their normal menu and we have a separate section for the Christmas bit. But you did your full Christmas menu.

Speaker 108 I did like the third or fourth episode of this shit, right?

Speaker 49 I mean, yes.

Speaker 109 Sorry. I suppose so, technically, Nick.

Speaker 36 I did the third or fourth episode of this

Speaker 87 Estimable broadcast.

Speaker 87 And so I guess you were still finding the format.

Speaker 5 Yeah, we're still finding the format.

Speaker 31 I know at midpoint you could have struck between this shit and Estimable Broadcast.

Speaker 4 Podcast.

Speaker 4 His podcast.

Speaker 56 That's about what a podcast is.

Speaker 31 Do you like the set, by the way?

Speaker 88 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 44 It's for Hey Dougie Live.

Speaker 87 It really is. We came in for the tech rehearsal.
That screen is covering a big thing that says, hey, Dougie.

Speaker 38 Hey, Dougie.

Speaker 87 Luckily, it does look like the inside of James A.

Speaker 110 Caster's brain.

Speaker 46 Yeah, really landed on our feet with this one.

Speaker 62 Nish, do you remember when you came on the podcast originally,

Speaker 46 what you chose for your dessert?

Speaker 27 Does anyone else remember what Nish Kumar chose for his dessert?

Speaker 87 Yes, I remember this because it still gets... People are still discovering the show, which is, no offence, unfathomable to me.

Speaker 47 We're like the Sopranos, man.

Speaker 38 Still holds up.

Speaker 5 You go back to episode one, still holds up, man.

Speaker 87 It was a peach cobbler from Jackson and Rye.

Speaker 31 Yeah, so let's do a a quick catch up on what's happened there, Nish. So there was a bit of a campaign we were getting going, wasn't there? Bring Back Kumar's Cobbler.

Speaker 62 Yeah, when Nish came on the podcast originally,

Speaker 27 Jackson and Rai stopped doing the Peach Cobbler. He was very sad about it, wanted it bought back, launched a campaign, hashtag Bring Back Kumar's Cobbler, so he could get his Peach Cobbler back.

Speaker 34 And then, as a result of that, what happened, Nish?

Speaker 4 Jackson and Rai closed.

Speaker 41 Whole business destroyed. Because they didn't bring back the cobbler!

Speaker 81 They didn't bring back the cobbler.

Speaker 5 They ended up getting shut down.

Speaker 4 And you have shown no...

Speaker 89 yet to show any remorse I have said.

Speaker 87 I'm sorry, okay? If I give a business a hint and it doesn't take the hint, that's on me now?

Speaker 102 What other businesses have you given hints?

Speaker 31 Run us through the business hint list.

Speaker 87 I said that Microsoft should bring back the paperclip.

Speaker 87 They still haven't. Sayonara Gates, I imagine it'll be in a couple of days.

Speaker 87 I told Elon Musk to buy Twitter.

Speaker 87 I didn't shut down Jackson Wright. It shut down.

Speaker 31 As an immediate result of what you said.

Speaker 77 Coincidentally.

Speaker 43 The cobbler was good.

Speaker 69 It was good cobbler.

Speaker 90 Have you found anywhere else that does as good a peach cobbler, or do you have a new favourite pie?

Speaker 87 I have a new favourite pie. And I don't know why we're all going through this rigmarole that you don't know what it is.
Because

Speaker 87 our only friends are each other

Speaker 31 Is this what you're hoping for from the show the question do you have a new favorite pie?

Speaker 47 Well if you listen to the podcast I imagine yeah

Speaker 62 Welcome to welcome to the show if anyone did like the question do you have a new favorite pie?

Speaker 43 Why are you here?

Speaker 43 It's got to be a lot of fun. That's exactly what we're all here for.

Speaker 96 In fact, when I said do you have a new favorite pie?

Speaker 38 I heard many of you an audible intake of breath.

Speaker 31 You couldn't wait to someone someone shout that again. What was it?

Speaker 87 Willie's Pies.

Speaker 31 I'm a huge fan of Willie's Pies, but

Speaker 49 I don't think.

Speaker 40 Are you from Willie's Pies?

Speaker 43 You like Willie's Pies?

Speaker 112 Well, not what I asked.

Speaker 61 That's good that you like.

Speaker 5 And what are Willie's Pies?

Speaker 27 I don't know what Willie's Pies.

Speaker 52 I don't know what Willie's Pies.

Speaker 85 What?

Speaker 31 Yeah, you have, James. You've had Willie's Pies.

Speaker 31 They sent you two pies for free, mate.

Speaker 62 Quite the pies, I guess.

Speaker 31 This guy absolutely wanders through life with headphones on, is how I describe you, James.

Speaker 31 Just opening your mouth every so often when someone taps you on the shoulder and throws a fucking free pie into it.

Speaker 31 Do you not want to check who's pie?

Speaker 87 What is a Willie's pie?

Speaker 31 It's a company called Willie's Pies.

Speaker 41 They make really good pies.

Speaker 92 Are they sweet or savoury?

Speaker 43 You had two pies!

Speaker 42 You had two savoury pies!

Speaker 5 I can't pretend to remember it now, am I?

Speaker 46 I can't remember if I if it was the free savoury pie I got or the free sweet one.

Speaker 31 The free sweet one was from Chinchin, which was a cherry pie, and that was also very nice.

Speaker 81 Oh, that was great.

Speaker 46 That free cherry pie was delicious.

Speaker 87 Has this plug gone the way you were anticipating?

Speaker 50 Did you send me a Willie's pie?

Speaker 115 Are you the eponymous William?

Speaker 61 You're Willie?

Speaker 107 Is it a perfect chocolate Christmas?

Speaker 42 Thanks for coming, Willie.

Speaker 80 Thanks for coming, Willie.

Speaker 95 Sorry about James.

Speaker 29 Listen, I don't remember having any of these pies.

Speaker 61 So I think Willie is a traitor.

Speaker 38 Because I know I'm 100% mad.

Speaker 61 So you've got to be a traitor.

Speaker 81 Because I know.

Speaker 107 I'm faithful.

Speaker 96 If I had a pie, I'd remember it.

Speaker 43 I haven't. Get him out of here.

Speaker 87 I still haven't seen this program. So I'm as in the dark as the visible 50% of you.

Speaker 31 What's your new favourite pie?

Speaker 87 It's the banana cream pie from Idle Hands in Manchester.

Speaker 87 It's a superb pie. Oh my god, it's a good...
You've had it.

Speaker 89 I've had it.

Speaker 37 Talk us through what you like about it so much because people like this stuff.

Speaker 100 People like to hear

Speaker 27 a very detailed description of the banana cream pie.

Speaker 3 The crust

Speaker 87 is thin but sturdy.

Speaker 31 So.

Speaker 41 Were you expecting other people to whoop that bit?

Speaker 66 Thin but sturdy?

Speaker 46 Were you whooping for thin or sturdy?

Speaker 87 Thin and sturdy is a pretty good description of you, actually.

Speaker 113 Yeah.

Speaker 86 Oh.

Speaker 31 It's an Acaster base.

Speaker 66 Yeah, it's an A-Caster base.

Speaker 87 It's an absolute A-caster base. And let me tell you, if it's put under any pressure, it collapses.

Speaker 53 crumbles immediately.

Speaker 5 And it's best when covered in banana cream.

Speaker 41 I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Speaker 87 I like it when you go blue.

Speaker 47 Thank you.

Speaker 95 I wasn't being blue, but fair enough.

Speaker 84 I just genuinely love banana cream.

Speaker 87 I wouldn't have been covered in it.

Speaker 4 I wasn't a sex thing.

Speaker 31 Yeah, but there's so many people here that for someone, that is their fetish. Yeah.

Speaker 29 Yes, yes, I probably said that.

Speaker 56 And there's at least one weirdo.

Speaker 111 who went, shall we?

Speaker 48 Willie, put your bono away.

Speaker 93 Put it back in the pie, where it belongs.

Speaker 87 Willie sat there. He came here tonight and he was like, I'll just, I'll do some guerrilla marketing.
I'll just shout out Willie's pies as soon as possible.

Speaker 87 And there'll be a chat about it that we can definitely clip out and use as part of our next promotional push. Nope.

Speaker 117 Nope.

Speaker 90 I didn't remember eating the pie and now I think you're a sex pervert.

Speaker 46 I guess that's your life now.

Speaker 31 Order our pies now as recommended by James Acaster. Put your bona back in the pie where it belongs.

Speaker 88 People would not buy it.

Speaker 52 People would buy that if that was the slogan.

Speaker 87 Five other people in here who were no longer planning to shout out the name of their food business.

Speaker 31 Honestly, though, Willie, if I had to fuck a pie, it would be one of yours.

Speaker 4 Interesting question.

Speaker 51 Okay. Oh.

Speaker 31 Give him my answer.

Speaker 110 That's a tough one.

Speaker 87 I'd go nuts deep in the banana cream from Idol House.

Speaker 47 Of course you would.

Speaker 51 Of course I would.

Speaker 51 I wanted to fuck the

Speaker 50 same pie that Jason Biggs fucked in American Pie.

Speaker 34 After?

Speaker 43 What's that?

Speaker 51 Sloppy seconds, man. I'll go in for a second.

Speaker 58 Sloppy seconds.

Speaker 109 No, it's a mess after he's done that.

Speaker 24 It's a fucked pie.

Speaker 42 Yeah. You see the pie?

Speaker 101 It's just an absolute mess of crust and chips.

Speaker 51 That's the most famous pie anyone's ever fucked.

Speaker 92 It would be an honour and a privilege.

Speaker 85 Also, he fucked that pie about 25 years ago.

Speaker 31 Yeah, that's a good point.

Speaker 31 Would you come in, is it like a deleted scene in American Pie?

Speaker 31 That you sneak into the kitchen after Eugene Levy's just caught him and then you start fucking the pie? Or is it the pie now? Yeah.

Speaker 4 It was at the time.

Speaker 90 And in the scene, if you remember, he turns to face Eugene Levy and you see his butt.

Speaker 27 And that ain't going to be Jason Biggs's butt.

Speaker 97 He probably had a butt double.

Speaker 62 So someone probably did fuck that pie alongside him.

Speaker 107 Yeah, like Biggs was doing it from the front, and then he slid it off, and then the butt double puts it on.

Speaker 87 Hold on a second, but you only see him from behind, so there's no need for him to have had the pie on his dick. So is the butt double Daniel Day-Lewis?

Speaker 50 Yeah, he wants him to go method.

Speaker 73 He was like, I can't just put it on.

Speaker 87 My butt won't be clenching in the right way if I don't have the pie on my erect penis.

Speaker 27 Listen, man I'm no Hollywood superstar director

Speaker 75 excuse me mouse

Speaker 87 excuse me John Mulaney the mouse I think quite a few of us have seen Cinderella the mute not the not the famous

Speaker 51 the other one

Speaker 31 the other one it was a charming cast do you remember it Yes, I remember the full cast.

Speaker 3 All my friends were on a WhatsApp group.

Speaker 80 Are all the mice on a WhatsApp group?

Speaker 38 Yes, but we can't message on the WhatsApp group after midnight.

Speaker 87 Romash the mouse, James Calder the mouse, and James A. Castor as John Mulaney the mouse.

Speaker 87 Is it common knowledge that you replace Mulaney?

Speaker 56 I think it's getting to be common knowledge now.

Speaker 46 It's spreading around a little bit.

Speaker 31 We've spoken about it on this podcast numerous times, I think.

Speaker 93 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 And I've met some of John Mulaney's friends. I never met John Mulaney, but I've met some of his friends.

Speaker 92 And they're like, oh, you you played John the Mouse.

Speaker 29 So it's getting around.

Speaker 31 No way did any of John Mulaney's friends come up to you and go, you played John the Mouse.

Speaker 5 Seth Meyers said it to me.

Speaker 96 Seth Meyers said, you were John the Mouse.

Speaker 101 Someone on the front row actually went, ooh, ooh.

Speaker 5 Nish?

Speaker 51 Yes.

Speaker 87 I would fuck the pie from Idle Hands.

Speaker 61 You've already said that.

Speaker 100 We know you would do it.

Speaker 36 Yes.

Speaker 27 But

Speaker 56 would you like to, you know, this is being recorded and we're going to release it as an episode.

Speaker 5 Is there anything you'd like like to say to Idle Hands if they're listening?

Speaker 87 Oh, they know I love their work. They know how big of fans I am.

Speaker 29 I've met the people that run it.

Speaker 87 They actually offered to make me a full banana cream pie to take back on the train.

Speaker 43 And I know, well, and I refused because I said, I don't trust myself.

Speaker 31 Just you on the train fucking a pie.

Speaker 118 Is that Jason Mansoukas?

Speaker 27 But is there anything else you'd like to say to them? Maybe an apology.

Speaker 43 Great. Why would I apologise to Idle Hands?

Speaker 87 I'm one of their biggest fans. You don't want to apologise.
It's a great coffee shop, it's in Manchester. The coffee's amazing, the cakes are incredible.

Speaker 62 You don't want to apologise for the last time you were in there?

Speaker 74 I don't want to.

Speaker 87 Yes, I want to apologise for you and Daniel Kitson whinging.

Speaker 75 About what?

Speaker 43 A fart.

Speaker 49 A fart.

Speaker 31 Just a fart was in there when you arrived, was it?

Speaker 98 Yes.

Speaker 87 It was hanging around like one of the ghosts from Ghostbusters.

Speaker 37 It was the worst one ever.

Speaker 3 You say that about all my farts.

Speaker 51 Only Nish

Speaker 111 would say that that sentence as if I'm the bad one in

Speaker 90 you say this about all my farts.

Speaker 32 I fart!

Speaker 87 Okay, I farted at Idle Hands, A Caster and Kitson made a big song and dance about it. End of story.

Speaker 3 Fair enough.

Speaker 31 So do you think it's them complaining and always saying your farts are the worst fart ever? Yeah. Or are you upping yourself every single time?

Speaker 49 I don't know, man. You smell quite a lot of my farts in your time.

Speaker 87 Why don't you?

Speaker 31 Absolutely awful.

Speaker 74 As I say, I drink upwards of 15 coffees a day.

Speaker 87 I eat quite a lot of spicy food. Quid pro quo.

Speaker 62 Is there anything you'd like to say to the staff of the coach and horses?

Speaker 68 What is this?

Speaker 108 This is your fart?

Speaker 38 What the hell is going on here?

Speaker 31 I wasn't there for that one.

Speaker 108 That was the other night, but I got four separate texts from different people about that fart.

Speaker 50 Let me guess, the coach and the horses.

Speaker 31 The horses are fucking glue now, man.

Speaker 67 Also, I like seeing the coach and horses.

Speaker 81 I haven't seen them since Cinderella, man.

Speaker 68 It's great to see him again.

Speaker 87 My body doesn't process lager well anymore. I had a couple of lagers with James A.
Castor, and I farted, and then he complained a lot about it.

Speaker 79 Yes. I believe that that bit of the story is reasonable

Speaker 100 to anyone. Anyone here?

Speaker 87 Oh, he's just annoyed because I didn't claim responsibility like the IRA.

Speaker 42 No, the IRA would have phoned before the IRA.

Speaker 89 Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 87 I claim responsibility afterwards, like the cowardly IRA.

Speaker 31 Solid joke from Acasta there.

Speaker 34 What did he say?

Speaker 80 More like the IBS.

Speaker 61 That's pretty good gear.

Speaker 78 I stayed under the radar.

Speaker 62 That's how I do my jokes on the pod.

Speaker 56 Normally, I say them into the mic, the guest doesn't hear me, and I look at Benito and he goes, That's fine.

Speaker 76 We got it.

Speaker 31 Should we give Nish his Christmas gift? We're giving everyone a Christmas gift today.

Speaker 31 Now, Nish, in your show, you talked about us getting away with it, and you know, we're just crackers talking to crackers about other crackers.

Speaker 31 We get a lot of white privilege, and you get death threats and get bread rolls thrown at you. So, we thought you'd give you a little Christmas treat today.

Speaker 104 Oh, God.

Speaker 31 Under the closh, you now have free free reign this Christmas. Lift it up to throw some bread rolls at us.
Yeah!

Speaker 31 Yeah!

Speaker 5 Right, I now regret being the one who handed it over.

Speaker 5 And one for luck. Oh, runway!

Speaker 31 Looks like the Disney Prince just got away with it again.

Speaker 31 See how now, Nish, see how quickly we can all turn to hatred.

Speaker 88 Yes.

Speaker 59 I'm converted. We've leave.

Speaker 36 We've learned a valuable lesson here today.

Speaker 43 Number two!

Speaker 62 That's what you shouted in the coach and horses.

Speaker 31 James, shall we bring our next guest on?

Speaker 46 We should bring our next guest on.

Speaker 77 Nish is going to stay here.

Speaker 74 Nish is going to stay here.

Speaker 34 Oh, right, right in the schnauz.

Speaker 31 Thank you very much. Yeah, we're doing it like Graham Norton, but a bit different.

Speaker 77 Yeah, a bit different in that everyone is a maniac.

Speaker 31 Fucking hell, yeah.

Speaker 82 Are you ready for your next guest?

Speaker 70 I'm not sure you are.

Speaker 38 No, probably not.

Speaker 82 They love sweets.

Speaker 43 Maybe a bit too much.

Speaker 81 Please welcome Rosie Jones.

Speaker 31 I don't think we need a microphone.

Speaker 51 Yep, we knew this would happen.

Speaker 31 Sorry, I'm in your way.

Speaker 74 Do enjoy this.

Speaker 57 Look who just became the pie.

Speaker 83 Oh, God.

Speaker 83 Merry

Speaker 83 fucking Christmas!

Speaker 84 Oh, yeah, none of us have even said that.

Speaker 31 Yeah, merry fucking Christmas, everyone.

Speaker 48 And

Speaker 48 this

Speaker 120 wasn't happy with me.

Speaker 41 No, I mean, I don't think that that's unreasonable.

Speaker 87 When When I walked into the dressing room, you just started pointing at your vagina.

Speaker 95 And then you just said, look at my vagina.

Speaker 87 Which is, I'll admit, an upgrade on what you previously do, which is slowly honk your breast whilst making eye contact with me.

Speaker 87 It's not all right.

Speaker 48 He likes me.

Speaker 59 Mosie doesn't do that to everyone, Ish.

Speaker 29 Like

Speaker 107 to me, today you decided to sing You Raised Me Up and then you tickled me.

Speaker 44 So that's nice.

Speaker 40 That's nice.

Speaker 4 More whimsical.

Speaker 31 Although, actually, the last time I saw you, Rosie, you held eye contact with me for ages and then slowly lifted up your top and flashed me.

Speaker 31 You were

Speaker 87 so many people saw your breasts at that party. Oh, yeah, you know what?

Speaker 87 I was having a good

Speaker 87 tick day.

Speaker 64 Appreciation for that stuff.

Speaker 31 Praise the fucking God you're having a bad tick day today, Laisy.

Speaker 43 Oh, Edward.

Speaker 43 Wouldn't you or me

Speaker 120 every day to say good tick day?

Speaker 31 I do want to chat about good and bad tip days more, but I don't know. James is giving me a look as if to say, let's get off this path of conversation.

Speaker 111 I'll happily talk about a good or a bad tit day.

Speaker 89 I just don't know what I've got to add.

Speaker 87 What delineates, what qualities delineate a good tit? I'm like the Parkinson of this.

Speaker 87 What delineates a good tit day from a bad tip day?

Speaker 87 To be finished,

Speaker 87 it flows was a god

Speaker 49 which

Speaker 120 she bought a railer

Speaker 31 Merry Christmas

Speaker 120 allowed to imagine that was a god

Speaker 120 and what I found we're gonna make

Speaker 120 a rosy jones

Speaker 120 and we haven't made a disabled one

Speaker 120 for ages.

Speaker 120 Are you gonna

Speaker 124 be

Speaker 120 a bad day at that office?

Speaker 120 What can we do to like raise my rap?

Speaker 120 I know we'll give it a great tip.

Speaker 124 So,

Speaker 31 Rosie.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 31 I mean, it's difficult for me to pick out the most problematic part of that sentence.

Speaker 87 Oh, I think it was like, I think it all cancelled itself out. It was so problematic, it became fine.

Speaker 31 God made a disabled person and described it as a bad day at the office.

Speaker 93 But it had a happy ending. Yeah.

Speaker 77 Gave a great tip.

Speaker 85 You know, know,

Speaker 85 every day

Speaker 123 I wake up and I go, Oh, another

Speaker 98 day

Speaker 98 having terrible party,

Speaker 120 and then I lock down

Speaker 124 and I go,

Speaker 124 actually,

Speaker 120 it's not that bad.

Speaker 120 Man,

Speaker 31 I wish God did that for big dicks and diabetics.

Speaker 36 Man, that would have kept you afloat in the Thames.

Speaker 84 You're going to be okay, son.

Speaker 31 Are you imagining it got massive when I fell in the Thames and contracted diabetes?

Speaker 31 It sort of went up like a life jacket.

Speaker 57 And then that's a fisherman shouting to you, you're going to be okay.

Speaker 43 That's a fisherman. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 42 Look at your dick.

Speaker 42 Look at your dick.

Speaker 90 That had to be a big pie.

Speaker 34 Big pie.

Speaker 34 Big pie.

Speaker 39 Big pie. Willie will sort me out.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 43 Willie's left.

Speaker 77 Oh, that guy's gone home. He's crying on the trailer.

Speaker 66 We've ruined his guy.

Speaker 49 He's holding a pie with James and Ed written on it, just crying into it.

Speaker 87 And just in the back of his mind thinking, well, at least I get to fuck this one.

Speaker 79 Now, Rosie, there was a lot of controversy about your menu.

Speaker 32 Yeah, I'm actually

Speaker 32 quite angry.

Speaker 120 Can I say before

Speaker 43 you bravas?

Speaker 43 By all means.

Speaker 120 I'm arguably

Speaker 81 a

Speaker 120 very

Speaker 120 famous

Speaker 120 chessable

Speaker 108 rich

Speaker 120 community.

Speaker 87 Not a huge amount of argument there, Jones.

Speaker 52 Didn't know about the rich bit.

Speaker 120 I've written three books about my own travel show

Speaker 120 and that I've been on every fucking panel show there.

Speaker 120 I'm a pretty big deal.

Speaker 40 You forgot to mention your tits.

Speaker 124 Yeah, also

Speaker 120 great tits.

Speaker 98 Um,

Speaker 98 whatever

Speaker 98 um

Speaker 120 and about

Speaker 120 what every

Speaker 120 people say to me is,

Speaker 118 yeah,

Speaker 69 you're Rob Menu

Speaker 120 and I

Speaker 120 fucking am

Speaker 93 I feel the same way.

Speaker 62 Well, you're welcome, Rosie, but really, it's down to you and the menu you chose because people remember it because, well, yes, Ed's still, it's probably Ed's least favourite menu ever.

Speaker 96 Hateful.

Speaker 41 Whoa, whoa, whoa, worse than Domit.

Speaker 34 No, but we don't talk about that guy anymore.

Speaker 41 No, he's.

Speaker 31 That guy's been banished to ITV.

Speaker 85 Banished?

Speaker 84 Are you other people get banished?

Speaker 98 You have been banished, Joel.

Speaker 62 Because you had a protein shake.

Speaker 36 You may reveal if you are a traitor or a faithful.

Speaker 62 And then Joel goes through a trapdoor.

Speaker 79 You've got to know two reality shows to get that.

Speaker 31 You've got to know a lot of stuff there.

Speaker 80 But Rosie,

Speaker 31 I didn't care for your menu hugely.

Speaker 31 Crisps and sweets, mainly, wasn't it?

Speaker 38 Should we, Rich, should we read out all the crisps?

Speaker 120 Yes,

Speaker 120 please be code. Everyone will fucking little bit.

Speaker 57 This is Rosie Jones's Dream Starter.

Speaker 50 It is entitled, you worded it, Three Hours of Crisps.

Speaker 72 Yeah?

Speaker 36 Ed, if you please.

Speaker 31 I would argue that a lot of these aren't crisps either, Rosie.

Speaker 3 Well.

Speaker 31 Twiglets, pringles, bacon rashes, onion rings, salt and vinegar sticks, peanuts, cashew nuts, cheese straws, hula hoots, Doritos, every flavour, knickknacks, only barbecue rib flavour, crinkly midi-ninny jeddas, pretzels, watsits, cheese quavers, space raiders, all in separate bowls, plus surprise snacks every 20 minutes.

Speaker 31 Thank you!

Speaker 80 Wait, so your menu was just all of the food?

Speaker 51 No, that's a starter.

Speaker 52 That's the starter, Nish.

Speaker 29 That was her starter.

Speaker 107 I mean, yeah, her menu was all the food, because Maine was tap ass with a lot of stuff.

Speaker 31 Well, actually, I think you'll find the exact title was Tapass Every Dish.

Speaker 87 Yeah, she wasn't talking about the food.

Speaker 79 The dessert was like three hours of sweets or something.

Speaker 79 We had marrowhams, jelly babies, jelly beans, dolly mixtures, strawberry laces, rainbow pencils, chocolate buttons, rebels, chocolate pretzels, white chocolate mice, and in brackets, childhood in a little mouse.

Speaker 105 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 109 What the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 31 Childhood in a little mouse.

Speaker 77 And once again, separable.

Speaker 43 Watch.

Speaker 49 Basically,

Speaker 49 what are you complaining about?

Speaker 31 At the moment, I'm just confused about childhood and a little mouse, Rosie. Some guys' careers are in a little mouse.

Speaker 43 Love your cinders.

Speaker 43 If you say to anyone, oh, do you remember that little white mice?

Speaker 120 Everyone will go.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Yeah, I remember.

Speaker 120 Isn't that little mouse?

Speaker 102 Some little white mice are so white you can see them from space.

Speaker 31 I used to eat those little mice before my dick went massive.

Speaker 62 Simpler times.

Speaker 87 This is going to be the shortest podcast ever.

Speaker 43 Yeah!

Speaker 120 She get in me and they're now

Speaker 120 at the same time.

Speaker 31 Well, I'll be honest, Rosie, we're just happy he hasn't pushed you over yet.

Speaker 62 Yeah, that's bad. Isn't it because she's so emotional?

Speaker 52 I've never pushed her over.

Speaker 87 She pretends I pushed her over.

Speaker 87 People take photos, and then she shouts the man from the mash report pushed a disabled girl. Yeah.

Speaker 31 Which is inaccurate.

Speaker 74 i've never pushed rosie jones over yeah and you're not on the mash report anymore

Speaker 120 yes is this

Speaker 56 being filmed i mean it can be if people want to film it

Speaker 95 no definitely not

Speaker 41 that it's the absolute opposite of venue policy

Speaker 87 talk throughout latecomers welcome film away

Speaker 87 is it just

Speaker 111 day?

Speaker 111 Just audio. Yeah, yeah, just audio.

Speaker 31 Your good tip, Dave is for nothing, Rosie.

Speaker 120 Oh, Nish.

Speaker 120 Nish!

Speaker 120 You are all enablers,

Speaker 120 oh, she sounds

Speaker 120 like Jones is down.

Speaker 120 You are all enablers!

Speaker 120 Every single one of you enablers.

Speaker 123 Stop taking fun of her, Paul. Put the camera on.

Speaker 123 Come round, get that, Paul!

Speaker 84 Get that! Don't yell at her, Nish.

Speaker 101 This is absolute audio dog shit.

Speaker 101 Paul girl, oh, but

Speaker 31 I'm so sorry, Rob.

Speaker 68 Oh, he's throwing Bret Rolls at her.

Speaker 51 I'm throwing Bread Rowland now.

Speaker 51 Oh, no,

Speaker 51 the man

Speaker 51 who used

Speaker 32 to be

Speaker 88 I'm the man

Speaker 88 careful.

Speaker 95 You are a piece of shit, and I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Speaker 87 I don't think you're disabled.

Speaker 69 Wow.

Speaker 66 Insult to injury.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 48 I think she's lying about being disabled.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 96 That is very damning.

Speaker 40 Disgraceful.

Speaker 62 Oh, dear. I'm not saying

Speaker 120 that I'm not disabled.

Speaker 122 but

Speaker 120 if I was

Speaker 120 pretending to be the table,

Speaker 120 it's uh gone quite well.

Speaker 48 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 58 it's good stuff.

Speaker 31 Also, you've got to love Rosie checking that it's only an audio medium and still getting on the visual.

Speaker 123 Is it an audio or down on the floor?

Speaker 101 What would you have done if they'd been filming it?

Speaker 120 Caught it out of and then doing it again.

Speaker 31 We would have put it in in post, it was fine.

Speaker 41 Rosie, we got you a gift as well.

Speaker 43 James?

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah, we got you a gift, Rosie.

Speaker 52 Of course we have.

Speaker 120 It's two tits.

Speaker 77 Well we don't need two closes for that.

Speaker 48 I think I've ever.

Speaker 48 Oh, great.

Speaker 41 What a classy way to refer to press.

Speaker 71 Couple of closhes.

Speaker 44 Lovely couple of closhes on it.

Speaker 84 Yeah, a double closh.

Speaker 42 What's under the robot tit?

Speaker 59 Robo tit.

Speaker 93 Go for it.

Speaker 34 Oh, look at it on your lap.

Speaker 31 Merry Christmas.

Speaker 42 Merry Christmas, Rosie.

Speaker 42 Oh!

Speaker 42 My

Speaker 42 God.

Speaker 42 Oh!

Speaker 31 There we go. Every crisp from your order.

Speaker 105 That went even better than we imagined.

Speaker 74 Yeah, that was brilliant.

Speaker 31 We're gonna bring our next guest out now, Rosie.

Speaker 43 No. No?

Speaker 31 I think you'll be excited. I think you'll be excited to see them, though.
Just,

Speaker 31 I mean, it's gonna be off-putting because you're gonna smash your fucking face into those in a minute, aren't you?

Speaker 120 What am I gonna

Speaker 120 do about

Speaker 43 this?

Speaker 43 What? Do you want

Speaker 108 why was that your first thought?

Speaker 90 You could just eat those.

Speaker 87 Shall I move them to the table?

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 85 But

Speaker 120 can we make sure that everyone knows that for me?

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 31 I don't think anyone's going to make that mistake, Rosie.

Speaker 120 This is an

Speaker 120 fucking shaving situation.

Speaker 31 It's probably right to headline that, because I'll be honest, it does look like one.

Speaker 36 Yeah, I can see how you would look at that, Rosie, and worry that people would try and share that.

Speaker 46 So thank you for making that crystal clear.

Speaker 120 Oh Neze.

Speaker 120 Neje

Speaker 120 fucking amazing.

Speaker 80 Do you want me to move the crisps?

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 87 You're just going to pose like the lady in flash dance.

Speaker 31 This is lovely. This is a lovely moment, Nish, and it won't go as well as a full apology for what you did earlier, but it...

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 82 I will never apologise. Nish, stop eating the crisps.

Speaker 51 Why are you eating all the rosy crisps?

Speaker 82 Nej, stop it.

Speaker 32 I hate podcasts!

Speaker 31 Just because it's Christmas, we don't need a pantomime villain, Nish.

Speaker 31 Let's get our next guest done, James.

Speaker 90 This is our final guest of the first half, and then we have an interval.

Speaker 62 Very much looking forward to welcoming this guest.

Speaker 4 Sorry, Rosie.

Speaker 88 I mean, I mean, you've

Speaker 31 left some crisps on his seat, I'll be honest.

Speaker 57 Don't know how delighted they're gonna be.

Speaker 48 I mean, that is

Speaker 111 absolutely disgusting.

Speaker 129 Quite disgusting.

Speaker 94 Don't eat them off the floor!

Speaker 94 Why are you applauding?

Speaker 94 What were you applauding?

Speaker 123 Rosie,

Speaker 73 make a crisp sandwich. Make a crisp sandwich with the

Speaker 125 bread roll.

Speaker 101 Applauding a disabled woman eating crisps off a floor.

Speaker 49 It's like a scene from a goddamn Ken Loach film.

Speaker 109 But Nish, Nish, why is she on the floor again?

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Oh, no.

Speaker 48 Boom, boom.

Speaker 41 Oh, of course, you've fallen over the classic way everyone falls over.

Speaker 111 This is your doing, Nish.

Speaker 87 I am absolutely thrilled I invited my mother to this show.

Speaker 59 She can see, glimpse her real son.

Speaker 53 Right, both of you sit down.

Speaker 31 We're going to bring our final guest of the first half on.

Speaker 46 Sit down and behave yourselves.

Speaker 90 Sit down and behave yourselves.

Speaker 49 Tell her to behave herself.

Speaker 69 There are so many Pringles.

Speaker 75 I'm going to be honest, there's an full stack on that plate, Rosie.

Speaker 61 You can have a Pringle if you like, yes.

Speaker 73 Yeah. We're about to bring a national treasure out.

Speaker 31 Pop yourself down.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 Okay, final guest of the first half.

Speaker 31 Please, welcome to the stage, Bob Mortimer.

Speaker 31 Pretty good.

Speaker 31 I am good.

Speaker 101 Why did you push

Speaker 82 Sorry, I didn't see what we were doing.

Speaker 41 Well, you heard it, Bob. That's all you need to say.

Speaker 29 I would have expected this shit from Reeves.

Speaker 38 Oh, no.

Speaker 83 So, you've got a granddad at your Christmas party.

Speaker 88 Yeah, I suppose.

Speaker 49 You need one, don't you?

Speaker 57 Yeah, I always need a nice granddad at the Christmas party.

Speaker 83 Do you just want me to snore?

Speaker 31 You're just here to provide some sort of audio atmosphere, Bob, to be honest.

Speaker 77 Is that what you're what your Christmas party is usually like, Bob?

Speaker 83 Yeah just watching old men snore.

Speaker 10 Just

Speaker 130 go around the backs of houses, look through the windows,

Speaker 31 tick it off, a ginger,

Speaker 82 wall bet,

Speaker 48 whatever.

Speaker 83 Yeah, those old guys can snore.

Speaker 64 They can't, could it?

Speaker 83 I thought that I was going to be doing like a Christmas menu, but that's not.

Speaker 5 No, unless you want to talk about your Christmas menu, but there's so many memories from the episode that you did that people would want want updates on.

Speaker 37 I would love to know how many Odeon cinema hot dogs you've eaten since we last saw you.

Speaker 83 I haven't been to Odeon,

Speaker 83 but my son Ari

Speaker 83 found.

Speaker 83 Is there a supermarket in London called Farm Fresh or something?

Speaker 43 Farm Fresh?

Speaker 51 Whole Foods, Whole Foods.

Speaker 31 Well, that's very different to Farm Fresh, Bruv, I'll be honest with you.

Speaker 31 You've literally picked the two opposite ends of the spectrum, no?

Speaker 128 I'm guessing Farm Foods is.

Speaker 31 Yeah, Farm foods are not great, I'd say. Whole foods is the most expensive supermarket in the country.

Speaker 83 You can't get snobby about these things. Do you spend much time in B ⁇ M?

Speaker 35 What's that?

Speaker 83 What a shot, ladies and gentlemen, though, innit?

Speaker 83 You know what? You go into BMN, B ⁇ M, B ⁇ M, James, and you discover that they do orange DMs, diams?

Speaker 110 Oh, Diams.

Speaker 43 Yeah, Diams.

Speaker 44 Dimes, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 80 Diames. Did I go with dimes? Diames?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Diam's.

Speaker 77 But we had this when Bob was on the podcast.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 61 They're spelt, the ones that you see are D-A-I-M.

Speaker 115 Do I see different ones?

Speaker 31 It's like how cats see in black and white, you know, we're all.

Speaker 83 Well, maybe they're available anywhere, but I had my first Nando's tonight.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 83 I've just had it. I understand what the fuss is about.
Was it nice?

Speaker 4 Juicy.

Speaker 52 Juicy. Yeah, one.

Speaker 43 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 83 Yeah, and it's quite tart, you know, spicy.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 44 And the chips are pretty good, aren't they?

Speaker 39 Yeah, good chips.

Speaker 31 But when I asked you what you were ordering from Nando's, what did you say, Bob?

Speaker 83 A number two.

Speaker 58 That was the second Nando's of the evening.

Speaker 88 But you're too late, sir.

Speaker 115 No, there's always a cue when

Speaker 83 Blue Water, when I go Blue Water.

Speaker 48 Oh yeah, Blue Water. I understand now.

Speaker 83 I've got a Toby Carberry gold card. Did I tell you that?

Speaker 75 No.

Speaker 43 No, you just cube.

Speaker 78 You didn't tell us that.

Speaker 46 And congratulations on being alive still.

Speaker 68 On being

Speaker 36 still being alive.

Speaker 4 Anyone know the Toby Carvery gold card?

Speaker 84 That's a one-way ticket to the mall.

Speaker 108 What does that mean?

Speaker 65 Because it's already unlimited salad.

Speaker 31 Does that mean free Toby Carvery?

Speaker 83 Free up to £100.

Speaker 101 Only...

Speaker 83 But that's a month.

Speaker 70 Oh, okay, £100 a month.

Speaker 83 It's not quite the gold card.

Speaker 108 You've got a voucher, Bob.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 101 How much are you paying for it?

Speaker 71 I've got a hard voucher.

Speaker 83 A small hard voucher.

Speaker 64 So, yeah.

Speaker 31 If you're using the gold card, how do you hit up Toby Carvery? What's your route around the Toby Carvery?

Speaker 83 Well, go to the Calvery.

Speaker 83 No, sorry, I'm not being facetious.

Speaker 43 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 101 No, but what are you having?

Speaker 31 What are you picking up from the Calvery?

Speaker 80 Well,

Speaker 83 if you get two meats,

Speaker 83 you get four slices of meat.

Speaker 83 If you get three meats, you get three.

Speaker 83 So that's just a little tip if you're a Toby cow.

Speaker 83 So you should always go for two meats.

Speaker 41 Toby jugs out there.

Speaker 83 And a large plate, get the yokesha pudding, and then on to the gravy station

Speaker 83 for a short prayer

Speaker 130 before dining.

Speaker 71 Don't you do like

Speaker 126 no

Speaker 120 batted meats.

Speaker 83 Yes.

Speaker 120 So you're saying two meats of four.

Speaker 103 Four slices.

Speaker 120 That's eight slices

Speaker 120 of three

Speaker 12 of three.

Speaker 120 That's nice.

Speaker 132 No.

Speaker 132 No.

Speaker 31 You've wilfully misunderstood that, Rosie.

Speaker 77 Also,

Speaker 5 you've completely overestimated the Jojo Carberry there.

Speaker 87 Also, clearly what was happening was you were listening and then you started looking at the crisps and you got distracted.

Speaker 31 Two meats meats is four slices in total. Am I correct, Bob?

Speaker 31 Two slices of each meat.

Speaker 120 Not you, men.

Speaker 43 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 91 What?

Speaker 43 What did you do?

Speaker 107 You thought, Bob men, that if you get two meats, you get two of each meat.

Speaker 46 If you get three meats, you get three of each meat.

Speaker 36 And you were looking at all of us like, why do you think that's a better deal?

Speaker 120 Basic way, I want

Speaker 85 nine slices.

Speaker 50 Is there a way you can get nine slices, Bob?

Speaker 83 Are there nine meats?

Speaker 124 Yeah?

Speaker 84 We ask a big question, Bob.

Speaker 43 I mean, it's huge.

Speaker 10 It's a huge question.

Speaker 52 Bob, how many of you have a favorite?

Speaker 31 Now you've misunderstood your own question.

Speaker 64 How many questions can you name?

Speaker 69 Bob said something.

Speaker 31 No one said there were nine meats.

Speaker 108 We were saying three meats.

Speaker 42 Three slices.

Speaker 39 But please, I'd love us to name nine nine meats.

Speaker 67 Let's see if Bob can do it.

Speaker 120 I think we could.

Speaker 58 Is it off full of meats?

Speaker 83 Do you include the offals?

Speaker 31 Can you slice offal?

Speaker 83 You slice liver for sure.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 87 Wait, how are we delineating this?

Speaker 95 Are we delineating it by animal or by cut of meat?

Speaker 36 Oh, no, I have to be animal.

Speaker 105 I have to be animal. By animal.

Speaker 31 Whilst we're on offal, Bob, you talked about tongue quite a lot on your off-menu.

Speaker 35 I do like ox tongue, yeah.

Speaker 31 Yeah, and a butcher sent me a tongue.

Speaker 88 Right, you lucky lad?

Speaker 31 Off the back of that, I'm a real influencer now. I've got a massive tongue through the post.

Speaker 78 It's a very sad story, actually.

Speaker 93 A butcher kidnapped Ed's wife.

Speaker 31 It's still in the freezer.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 76 Good luck to her.

Speaker 31 So, nine meats.

Speaker 83 Well, there is, isn't there?

Speaker 48 Well, I don't know.

Speaker 135 Not unless you name them.

Speaker 60 How many do you think you could name?

Speaker 83 The chicken meat.

Speaker 96 Chicken meat.

Speaker 52 Always, always follow it with meat.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Just in case.

Speaker 35 Your luncheon meat

Speaker 31 second second one luncheon luncheon meat second chicken to luncheon this is unorthodox what animal is luncheon luncheon's the pig pig meat

Speaker 31 so are we are we gonna say pork pork yeah pork meat are we saying is that separate to luncheon meat

Speaker 83 if well if you're not giving it i'm fine with that it's a tinned meat other nine tinned meats Pork, pig, no, they're the same.

Speaker 83 Sorry,

Speaker 52 I feel like...

Speaker 79 the old pork pig.

Speaker 43 The uh pork pig.

Speaker 76 Pork, pig, hog.

Speaker 31 Oinker.

Speaker 83 I think that uh

Speaker 77 right into the mic.

Speaker 31 You're right into the mic, Rosie.

Speaker 100 Anyone else?

Speaker 111 We're having a game of pork, pig, hog here.

Speaker 38 If you don't mind.

Speaker 93 Chicken. You go pork and chicken, so you can.

Speaker 83 Oh, we're going ahead with this.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 31 We're playing nine meats.

Speaker 83 chicken cow pig lamb

Speaker 87 lamb and sheep similar very similar niche at least listen I I the lamb is a young sheep so I don't know what I don't understand the parameters of the game but I'm I'm gonna hazard a guess

Speaker 87 that they're not gonna allow lamb and sheep no we mutton are you gonna go mutton mutton

Speaker 83 can you name nine animals that you can slice one

Speaker 41 that's essentially it yeah would you ever would you ever go up to a horse perhaps not a horse,

Speaker 83 give it a stroke, and then bite a chunk of the meat off it? Yeah,

Speaker 43 I've done. Yeah.

Speaker 83 Let's stop talking about meat.

Speaker 4 Well, unless you want to talk about processed meats.

Speaker 59 Or pocket meats.

Speaker 83 I won processed meat man of the year last year.

Speaker 109 I've got a trophy and everything that came to the pod.

Speaker 112 What's it made of?

Speaker 45 For advocating processed meat.

Speaker 83 I suppose because of your podcast.

Speaker 73 Right, so you won an award because of the pod, because you you advocated for processed meats yeah and then you won processed meat man of the year yeah it's rather beautiful tofu I think yeah yeah Bob to be to be fair I

Speaker 93 take that as a

Speaker 31 huge compliment but I think you have talked about pocket meats on various platforms yeah but a pocket meat's not necessarily a processed meat the finest pocket meat is a chicken

Speaker 36 or a sliced ham of course Pepperami and the like are the easiest but you know go the extra mile those are top pocket meats

Speaker 109 or the little, or the little coin pocket.

Speaker 48 Yeah, yeah, the little coin pocket.

Speaker 83 Kepper armies, nice inside pocket, innit?

Speaker 87 Oh, that's an IPM, if ever I've heard one.

Speaker 83 The 9pm sausage.

Speaker 87 That's an IPM, an inside pocket meet.

Speaker 61 I've immediately created an acronym for my own amusement there, Bob.

Speaker 35 I thought you said 9pm meet.

Speaker 31 It is the perfect 9pm meet, isn't it?

Speaker 48 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 Oh, it's 9pm somewhere.

Speaker 35 Have a little nip.

Speaker 83 It could become a habit. Yeah.
Watch out.

Speaker 60 Well, that's good you won that trophy.

Speaker 82 It is good to win. I'm very proud of you for doing that.

Speaker 138 Did Nish come last in that?

Speaker 137 When you won it?

Speaker 112 Why would I come last?

Speaker 83 When Bob won it. The person who was

Speaker 87 you're making a Taskmaster dig.

Speaker 52 Oh, sorry, was I?

Speaker 71 That's the first time. Did you come last in Taskmaster?

Speaker 87 Yeah, I came last in your Taskmaster.

Speaker 139 Bob.

Speaker 38 Oh, God. Oh, no.

Speaker 53 Bob doesn't even remember that Nish was on the series.

Speaker 5 The Willie's pie of Taskmaster.

Speaker 95 Nish Kumar.

Speaker 31 Every time Nish's task came on, cut to Bob. He's eating a pepperami out of his inside pocket.

Speaker 68 It's 9pm somewhere.

Speaker 87 I came last and that's why James is getting a dig in.

Speaker 82 I'm just asking if Nish came last in the processed meat competition.

Speaker 87 Look at my body type. Do I look like I would come last in a processed meat competition, James? I'd come a creditable silver and be honoured to follow Bob Mortimer.

Speaker 106 It was just comedians who won that award.

Speaker 53 Was there a ceremony?

Speaker 83 No, it literally just came through the post.

Speaker 83 I promise you, there was no, you know.

Speaker 65 There was no heads.

Speaker 71 I suppose they hope you're going to

Speaker 83 photograph it.

Speaker 83 And, you know, give them publicity processed meats. But it's just generic.

Speaker 83 It wouldn't have been any particular meat, processed meat you shouldn't eat processed anything should you really I think that's oh no don't talk like they're gonna take that trophy away whoa whoa whoa I think you should only eat processed meat

Speaker 76 tomorrow as we knock on Bob's door thank you

Speaker 5 um Bob

Speaker 60 is it good to be alive son

Speaker 46 yeah um you've asked that of your oldest guest

Speaker 50 I suppose that is appropriate well it's what you like to say to your son when you you mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce.

Speaker 50 You mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce on the yogan cinema hot dog and you say, it's good to be alive to the body.

Speaker 31 I'd imagine if Bob didn't remember that, that was a very harsh thing to say.

Speaker 36 Yeah, I mean, I was mortified, but I saw the look in your eyes.

Speaker 78 Quite a lot of sadness there.

Speaker 31 And you made it go so quiet as well.

Speaker 38 Yeah. Bob.

Speaker 40 Is it good to be alive?

Speaker 77 Is it good to be alive?

Speaker 83 I felt like I was counting every day, you know.

Speaker 83 I was saying, so what, just in case, just to finish that up, at Whole Foods, is it Whole Foods?

Speaker 77 Oh, yeah, sorry.

Speaker 83 Yeah, I've got a replica,

Speaker 83 a hot dog sausage that is as good as, it's German, and it is as good as the Odian one, I reckon.

Speaker 83 Because I haven't beaten the cinema since off-menu.

Speaker 112 Have you not? Not been, no.

Speaker 77 Is that because you discovered podcasts and don't need films anymore?

Speaker 83 I don't know why I haven't been, really. I stopped during the pandemic

Speaker 83 and my son's left home.

Speaker 83 I know, and the water's, there's no water in Tunbridge Wells at the moment.

Speaker 83 Been off for five days.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 33 No! Yeah.

Speaker 31 No water.

Speaker 116 Five days.

Speaker 83 So, yeah, when you say, I'm glad to be alive, I'm not so sure with you anything.

Speaker 38 You know,

Speaker 83 I could go either way on that.

Speaker 76 Oh, Bob, I didn't know things were that bad.

Speaker 31 So, no one's letting you swell their hot dog of mustard if you've got no water in Tunbridge Wells?

Speaker 83 Got no water? I'm not using mustard instead. instead.

Speaker 102 Is that what you mean?

Speaker 77 If you had to use a condiment to wash in.

Speaker 49 That's great question.

Speaker 138 You've got to pick one condiment to wash in, maybe for the rest of your life.

Speaker 83 Am I washing my entire body, face?

Speaker 62 Your entire body, your face and everything below.

Speaker 57 My teal.

Speaker 62 And everything behind the face.

Speaker 31 And

Speaker 31 you can't avoid anything.

Speaker 83 What's behind your face, James? Your mind?

Speaker 67 Is that what you're thinking?

Speaker 36 Back of the skull.

Speaker 35 Back of the skull.

Speaker 5 All the way down.

Speaker 31 I lie that that was the deal breaker in your mind.

Speaker 108 And before you start trying to get out of it, back of the head as well.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Isn't that easy?

Speaker 29 Is it easy for you? Yeah.

Speaker 38 What condiment you'd washing?

Speaker 31 Hold your answer, Rosie. Bob, which condiment would you wash your full body with, and you're not allowed to avoid any bits of your body?

Speaker 83 Well, the first thing I thought of, I'd probably select it is

Speaker 31 white vinegar.

Speaker 78 What were you going to say?

Speaker 110 I think. Would you, Rosie?

Speaker 33 I think. Yeah, and that is so easy.

Speaker 120 I'd go for binary,

Speaker 120 cause you get a little

Speaker 120 tingle

Speaker 83 You would, especially around the anise.

Speaker 83 You'd be like, oh no, play, little play, little play.

Speaker 126 Oh!

Speaker 83 I can't think of another liquid condiment, soy sauce,

Speaker 43 um, ketchup, mustard, mustard, kayak.

Speaker 120 You know what I tried, George, by the loss.

Speaker 120 Um, was happy.

Speaker 77 Yeah, if you want a bit of a tingle,

Speaker 77 I'll send you to the moon.

Speaker 87 I think Dijon mustard would be quite exfoliating.

Speaker 29 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 43 Been nice.

Speaker 34 Whole grain.

Speaker 36 Yeah, don't use the DiG, yeah, the whole grain.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Well done on picking that up actually.

Speaker 64 No problem.

Speaker 124 I do maven

Speaker 120 tartar sauce.

Speaker 129 Why?

Speaker 120 Why not?

Speaker 93 Apologies. I did my whole lower body in tartar sauce so I could feel like a merman.

Speaker 49 In tartar sauce.

Speaker 43 Hang on, what?

Speaker 86 What?

Speaker 65 Wait, you think fish like being slathered in tartar sauce?

Speaker 38 What are you thinking?

Speaker 93 My bottom half covered in tartar sauce, I'd feel like a fish.

Speaker 29 But if my top half isn't, I'd feel like a man.

Speaker 111 And so,

Speaker 32 top half of a man, bottom half fish.

Speaker 105 Google it, I'm a merman.

Speaker 69 I think that's right.

Speaker 93 Google it.

Speaker 38 Google what is bottom half fish, top half man?

Speaker 87 I'll do it in the interval on private browsing.

Speaker 138 Bob, do you remember

Speaker 103 when we were talking about hot dogs and chocolate bars? We talked a lot about chocolate bars when you were on as well.

Speaker 62 The Dayan bar was only one of the chocolate bars mentioned.

Speaker 27 Do you remember your dream fantasy crossover between hot dogs and chocolate?

Speaker 83 That was Mars Bar and Sausage in baguette.

Speaker 38 It was it.

Speaker 83 Did you know, did you, is this common or did you know they cancelled the topic a couple of months ago?

Speaker 140 Bloody cancel culture again.

Speaker 84 It's a great biscuit, not made anymore.

Speaker 63 This year.

Speaker 26 There you go, anyway.

Speaker 31 How often were you having a topic?

Speaker 83 Not often enough, very neglected.

Speaker 83 I think the most underrated chocolate bar is the timeout. What do you reckon?

Speaker 123 Yeah,

Speaker 57 I would say.

Speaker 35 It's a decent bar.

Speaker 59 It's a decent bar.

Speaker 5 I mean,

Speaker 5 I think lion bars are pretty underrated.

Speaker 106 I think they're quite good and don't get enough

Speaker 31 double-deckers.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 93 A lot of love for them.

Speaker 83 I think they're the two worst.

Speaker 83 I'm not just being, they're just like, they're virgin on the savoury, they're difficult.

Speaker 81 Savoury?

Speaker 83 They're in the toppy crisp area, you know?

Speaker 57 Oh, yeah, I remember you said toffee crisp was savoury when you were.

Speaker 83 But you know that, you know, like a topic is a real indulgence or a caramel, Cadbury's caramel.

Speaker 104 Yeah, delicious.

Speaker 83 In it, though. Well, you know, compared to a double decker.

Speaker 31 Yeah, something to get your teeth into.

Speaker 138 Do you know who did the voice of the caramel bunny in the advert? She had the sexy caramel bunny back in the day?

Speaker 105 Maybe a Margolies.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 83 I did the the Churchill dog.

Speaker 83 Yeah. Which you can't eat.
It's not a...

Speaker 77 No, you can't eat it.

Speaker 51 Oh, yes.

Speaker 64 That was a...

Speaker 31 I've never known you as a competitive man, Bob, but the speed with which you followed up, I did the Churchill dog.

Speaker 38 Well, I did the Churchill dog.

Speaker 109 It's too

Speaker 109 big up.

Speaker 31 Do you remember the caramel advert where the bunny said, never let anyone fuck you up the ass?

Speaker 62 You have to have heard the Miriam Margleys episode of the podcast to understand that.

Speaker 110 Don't worry, Bob.

Speaker 93 Miriam Margleys came on the podcast and her golden rules for life were

Speaker 31 don't let the sun go down on an argument.

Speaker 96 Don't let the sun go down on an argument and never let anyone fuck you up the bum.

Speaker 36 Do you have golden rules for life, Bob?

Speaker 67 Rules for life.

Speaker 77 Golden rules for life.

Speaker 122 Golden.

Speaker 129 Golden rules.

Speaker 129 Shit.

Speaker 35 Yeah, imagine that. Yeah,

Speaker 83 I think that

Speaker 83 it's important that when you're living with the p other people, that you stay very quiet whilst they're asleep.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 83 I hate, you know, I hate you know people who are wandering around are putting rate, you know, if someone's still asleep, just keep quiet. And I like to turn up on time and all.

Speaker 83 And I like those two because the two things that you'll never get thanked for.

Speaker 35 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 57 You're not doing it for the thank you.

Speaker 83 When they get up, you don't say to them, I kept quiet

Speaker 57 from inside the trunk.

Speaker 82 You know, I think they're quite nice things to do.

Speaker 59 They're very nice things to do.

Speaker 31 How do you stay, do you have any tips for staying quiet while other people are asleep? Do you have any techniques? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 83 Well, I'd just stare out the window and

Speaker 83 count stuff.

Speaker 83 Count stuff. You do, as you get older, you'll find you do stare a lot more.
But you don't necessarily see more.

Speaker 126 Do you know?

Speaker 69 You're just staring.

Speaker 83 And if someone said, what did you say?

Speaker 83 Not so sure.

Speaker 83 Whereas a youngster can take it in, Nish, you'd look outside and say a robin bird, and the oak tree's beginning to, you know, yeah, done.

Speaker 87 That's a spot-on impression of it.

Speaker 53 Nish Hunkin says that.

Speaker 41 That's Robin the window.

Speaker 43 That's Nish the window all over.

Speaker 87 Robin, oak tree, Rosie Jones, honking a tear.

Speaker 61 Just like that, immediately, as soon as you said it,

Speaker 110 down, bam, back to her beer.

Speaker 83 And then you pushed her over.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Disgraceful.

Speaker 140 Horseshit. Disgraceful.

Speaker 93 Off of the roach.

Speaker 3 Right up that oak tree.

Speaker 3 That is

Speaker 120 so weird because actually

Speaker 120 my golden rulers

Speaker 120 always

Speaker 126 fuck

Speaker 120 me

Speaker 120 and my billy

Speaker 43 up the ass.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Always is the horrifying word in that sentence for me.

Speaker 57 I'm assuming you mean any time

Speaker 62 whenever you get the chance to have sex with Mimi and Margolis, not just always.

Speaker 109 Where's Rosie?

Speaker 43 Take a guess.

Speaker 31 You know where she is.

Speaker 2 Jim.

Speaker 43 Always.

Speaker 48 Always.

Speaker 110 If I love Akaster, try to give her a way out and let her go.

Speaker 43 No, no, I've said always. Always says.

Speaker 74 Always fuck Miriam Margulies up the ass.

Speaker 31 Also breaks two of Bob's golden rules.

Speaker 31 Rosie's late, she's fucking Miriam Margulies up the ass.

Speaker 40 Miriam's trying to sleep.

Speaker 40 And yeah,

Speaker 40 unfortunately, Bob, I am quite not

Speaker 59 if you lived with Rosie, Bob.

Speaker 79 If you lived with Rosie

Speaker 79 would, well, yeah, but...

Speaker 83 Would you rather live with Alan Sugar or Alan Shearer?

Speaker 83 Shearer flats for six months. Yep.

Speaker 40 Oh, that is great.

Speaker 35 Shearer.

Speaker 57 Not even hesitation.

Speaker 87 I mean, Shira seems like a decent bloke. Sugar seems like an absolute nightmare.

Speaker 77 Yeah, that's a bad one.

Speaker 46 I think it it would have to be Shira, wouldn't it?

Speaker 87 Gotta be Shira.

Speaker 4 Oh, go Shanes.

Speaker 102 You'll go sugar.

Speaker 38 You go sugar.

Speaker 47 Ed, you're diabetic.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 31 It's one of the only sugars I don't have to inject for.

Speaker 31 Couple of big dicks in the

Speaker 83 yeah, shira, I reckon. Shira, yeah, it's so bad one.
I usually ask it with daytime presenters.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 83 Do you know, like, Martin from Holmes Under the Ammo?

Speaker 123 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 83 That's a bad one because everyone just says yes

Speaker 69 before you get to the second

Speaker 83 Martin, eh?

Speaker 83 I'm just saying, you know,

Speaker 83 what's happened?

Speaker 31 He's got off the rails, is he?

Speaker 83 I don't know, I just I genuinely mean that. What has happened?

Speaker 43 I haven't been keeping up

Speaker 114 with

Speaker 54 Martin's

Speaker 60 goings on.

Speaker 83 I have chestnuts at Christmas, just so that could say one

Speaker 125 thing.

Speaker 132 And um,

Speaker 83 do people still have them?

Speaker 38 Rost Chestnuts? Do people still have chestnuts at Christmas?

Speaker 83 They're delicious, aren't they? It's getting hard, though, to get.

Speaker 83 At the moment, the ratio I'm getting is about one good one out of every four.

Speaker 83 It's tough, isn't it?

Speaker 83 Because the bad ones taste like shit. They really don't.

Speaker 31 Do you ever buy them off the street vendors? You know the chestnut street vendors.

Speaker 79 I never go into the street.

Speaker 83 I'm either in my house or on parkland.

Speaker 69 That's one of my rules.

Speaker 140 The third rule.

Speaker 43 That's what we're all waiting for.

Speaker 43 Never be on the streets.

Speaker 83 I don't understand the streets anymore, so it's best to keep

Speaker 31 on the parkland.

Speaker 79 What's changed on the streets since back in your day?

Speaker 83 Nobody knows, James, because I've not been on the streets.

Speaker 79 Do you remember what it was that made you go, I can't be on the streets anymore?

Speaker 83 Bloody chestnut sellers.

Speaker 69 They're big fat asses.

Speaker 128 Oh no,

Speaker 83 I couldn't handle it.

Speaker 83 There's not much to see anymore. There used to be so much to see on the streets.

Speaker 97 Kids with hoops,

Speaker 64 you know,

Speaker 83 kicking a ball around, playing rounders,

Speaker 83 bunting everywhere.

Speaker 35 It's all gone.

Speaker 77 It's all gone now. It's all gone.

Speaker 64 That's true.

Speaker 31 Should we give Bob his present?

Speaker 38 Yes, thank you.

Speaker 33 Bob.

Speaker 90 We've tried...

Speaker 61 This is a let's get the old gosh here.

Speaker 4 I hope it's a good one.

Speaker 111 I haven't seen this yet.

Speaker 79 I'm quite excited to see this.

Speaker 97 What do they call those things?

Speaker 83 Slabbers?

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 127 Slabbers.

Speaker 35 Slabbers, yeah. Slabbers.
Is it a slabber?

Speaker 110 Yes, they call them slabbers.

Speaker 102 They don't, do they?

Speaker 52 No. No.

Speaker 87 They call them robo-tits.

Speaker 57 Robo-tits is what we've been calling them. Do you want this on the table or on your lap?

Speaker 83 Not on the table, it's fine.

Speaker 123 On the table?

Speaker 62 Because I'm thinking it's going to be heavy.

Speaker 131 Could be heavy. Do I just go ping?

Speaker 77 Just go ping. And you can make that noise if you want.

Speaker 40 Ping!

Speaker 40 Shit!

Speaker 123 Now, so.

Speaker 65 Oh, I hope it's not sausages.

Speaker 107 You've got a bunch of pocket meats there if you want them.

Speaker 31 And I'll have processed meats for you to get you the award next year.

Speaker 83 Just check the sell-bys. Yeah.

Speaker 48 Another golden rule.

Speaker 83 The Tesco Prime Cuts roast beef is two days out of.

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 51 don't bother me.

Speaker 83 Don't know, he gives it more taste.

Speaker 110 No.

Speaker 83 But I'll be eating the roast chicken last because that goes right up to Christmas Eve.

Speaker 48 Oh lovely.

Speaker 31 Look, it'd be nice to imagine you on Christmas Eve eating that Bob staring out the window.

Speaker 33 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 83 Well I might see Santa and you won't.

Speaker 58 Who knows? Bob.

Speaker 78 This is the present we're most excited about though.

Speaker 43 The baguette. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 131 So has it got a big hole in it?

Speaker 31 It's got a boost bar in it.

Speaker 93 It's got a boost bar in it and it's flush.

Speaker 31 As requested the boost bar is flush with the end.

Speaker 36 It's a bit like dealing with your dog when he...

Speaker 83 That's all right, Lassie. It was just a boost bar.

Speaker 82 Stuck in there.

Speaker 78 Now, do you want to have a bite of that before we go?

Speaker 57 Well, you were quite excited on the podcast.

Speaker 38 Well, you came on the podcast.

Speaker 60 But you wanted to have it in the...

Speaker 59 baguette and you wanted to have a bite of it in the baguette is what you wanted on the podcast you just wanted it to be flush in the baguette so you could eat it.

Speaker 83 It's fucking flush.

Speaker 47 It looks really flush.

Speaker 31 It's so flush.

Speaker 5 It's like quite a big panachocola.

Speaker 96 It's a big moment.

Speaker 89 This is a dream of Bob's.

Speaker 83 My teeth might come out.

Speaker 73 Genuinely. Genuinely.

Speaker 83 If I bite it at the right angle, they'll stay in the hole.

Speaker 57 This is very tense.

Speaker 57 Oh!

Speaker 82 It works. We're okay.

Speaker 77 See if this is nice.

Speaker 31 Well, I think that's how we always planned on ending the first half of this show.

Speaker 5 Yeah, no one's teeth fell out.

Speaker 62 Is it delicious, Bob?

Speaker 106 It is, obviously.

Speaker 38 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 83 Obviously delicious. Yeah, but it would be nice hot.

Speaker 61 Yeah, yeah, we'll warm it up in the interval for you.

Speaker 38 You can have it like a king.

Speaker 111 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 36 A little deserve after your first ever Nando's.

Speaker 31 Have that for the car on the way home?

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 83 I'd have just got one big carpet

Speaker 71 but that's that's just me.

Speaker 69 Yeah, I'm pleased to see

Speaker 83 it's nice to see a carpet. I was saying to Ed earlier laminates

Speaker 35 took over for a good period.

Speaker 83 Rembiad said 20 years.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 83 But the carpet is coming back and I'm pleased to see it.

Speaker 31 I'll be honest, when you were telling me that Bob, I didn't immediately think he's trying gear out on me.

Speaker 83 No, I'm not, I would just but like, if you sit in your front room and the wife said let's get a carpet, you wouldn't say well I'll get four carpets

Speaker 66 But they'll be the same.

Speaker 49 Yeah, so look all right

Speaker 35 I would say this is about 12 by 14 so yeah 12 by 14

Speaker 87 by 14.

Speaker 60 Yeah, about that big time I said that when I came out I said to Benito

Speaker 120 and so what are you fucking doing?

Speaker 31 So it's not exactly what Bob said, is it?

Speaker 120 He said to me on this day, Rosie, that's the biggest rook

Speaker 120 I've ever seen.

Speaker 120 And I said,

Speaker 120 you're lying.

Speaker 78 Benito told Rosie they don't make rugs bigger than this.

Speaker 110 And then he walked away.

Speaker 120 Bullshit.

Speaker 137 This is bullshit, Benito.

Speaker 93 Bullshit, Benito.

Speaker 100 No, you were lying.

Speaker 31 He's got a bigger rug than this in his pocket, Bonito.

Speaker 110 That

Speaker 110 little pocket rug.

Speaker 77 Yeah. It looks like no.

Speaker 71 30 feet.

Speaker 102 Well, I think that takes us nicely to the end.

Speaker 31 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 32 Can we get a massive round of applause for our first three guests of the evening?

Speaker 33 Miss Rosia Farm.

Speaker 122 Rosie Jones, Bob Martimer.

Speaker 122 Go and have a little break. We'll

Speaker 7 It's that time of year again, back to school season.

Speaker 7 And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

Speaker 7 So, here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Speaker 7 Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back on track.

Speaker 7 Instacart, we're here.

Speaker 8 There's nothing like sinking into luxury. At washable sofas.com, you'll find the Anibay sofa, which combines ultimate comfort and design at an affordable price.

Speaker 8 And get this, it's the only sofa that's fully machine washable from top to bottom, starting at only $699.

Speaker 8 The stain-resistant performance fabric slip covers and cloud-like frame duvet can go straight into your wash. Perfect for anyone with kids, pets, or anyone who loves an easy-to-clean, spotless sofa.

Speaker 8 With a modular design and changeable slip covers, you can customize your sofa to fit any space and style.

Speaker 8 Whether you need a single chair, love seat, or a luxuriously large sectional, Annabe has you covered. Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your home.

Speaker 8 Right now, you can shop up to 60% off store-wide with a 30-day money-back guarantee. Shop now at washablesofas.com.
Add a little

Speaker 8 to your life.

Speaker 8 Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Speaker 6 It's Stock Up September at Whole Foods Market. Find sales on supplements to power up for busy weeks.
Plus, pack your pantry with pasta, sauce, and more everyday essentials.

Speaker 6 Enjoy quick breakfast for less with 365 by Whole Foods Market seasonal coffee and oatmeal.

Speaker 6 Grab ready-to-heat meals that are perfect for the office and save on versatile no antibiotics ever chicken breasts. Stock up now now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

Speaker 9 Hi, who here loves when their nails are perfectly done?

Speaker 9 Me, I'm Sarah Gibson Tuttle, and I started Olive in June because let's be real, we all deserve to have gorgeous nails, but who wants to spend a fortune or half their day at the salon?

Speaker 9 And that's why I created the Manny system so you can have that salon perfect manicure right at home. And guess what? The best part? Each Manny only costs $2.
Yep, you heard me, $2.

Speaker 9 No more more $30, $40, $50 salon trips that eat up your day. Now you can paint your nails whenever you want, wherever you want.

Speaker 9 And trust me, you're going to be obsessed with your nails and everyone is going to ask you, where did you get your nails done? And here's a little something extra.

Speaker 9 Head over to olivinjune.com and get 20% off your first Manny system with code perfectmanny20 at olivinjune.com slash perfectmanni20.

Speaker 9 That's code perfectmanny20 for 20% off at olivinjune.com slash perfectmanni20. You're all set for a nail glow glow up.
Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we?

Speaker 11 Hey, I'm Paige DeSorbo and I'm always thinking about underwear.

Speaker 13 I'm Hannah Bruner and I'm also thinking about underwear but I prefer full coverage. I like to call them my granny panties.

Speaker 12 Actually, I never think about underwear.

Speaker 15 That's the magic of Tommy John.

Speaker 14 Same, they're so light and so comfy and if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

Speaker 17 And the bras soft, supportive, and actually breathable.

Speaker 16 Yes, Lord knows the girls need to breathe.

Speaker 19 Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night.

Speaker 14 That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

Speaker 18 Plus, they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

Speaker 22 Put yourself on to Tommy John.

Speaker 23 Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John.

Speaker 11 Save 25% for a limited time at tommyjohn.com slash comfort.

Speaker 18 See site for details.

Speaker 43 Yes, welcome back, welcome back. Do we have a nice break?

Speaker 31 Welcome back to the Off Menu Christmas dinner party.

Speaker 96 I'm mad for it, Ed.

Speaker 31 You are mad for it, Ed.

Speaker 81 I got smoke and delights.

Speaker 62 I've got my Cherry Pepsi maps.

Speaker 66 You are.

Speaker 31 Absolutely off your face, mate.

Speaker 51 Loving it, look at you.

Speaker 50 I am loving it. Can't see anyone in these glasses.
I can just dance the night away.

Speaker 40 Yeah, everyone left, that's why. They've all gone.

Speaker 49 Oh, no.

Speaker 77 They were traitors and they got back.

Speaker 43 No.

Speaker 31 We had a little chat backstage about don't reference the traitors anymore because no one knows what the fuck you're talking about.

Speaker 51 I was told very clearly to stop.

Speaker 65 But I can't stop because I'm 100% faithful.

Speaker 107 You can't make me stop.

Speaker 65 I'm 100% faithful.

Speaker 38 And I know it because I am faithful.

Speaker 138 That's how I know.

Speaker 77 Because I'm faithful.

Speaker 40 But that's what a traitor would say.

Speaker 84 No, don't, don't come at me with that.

Speaker 31 Guys, I've heard James is a traitor.

Speaker 48 Spread it around.

Speaker 92 Here's the thing, Ed.

Speaker 79 Talking of absent people, speaking of people going, we've had three lovely guests in that first half.

Speaker 31 We've had some amazing guests.

Speaker 62 And

Speaker 46 we've got three lovely guests in the second half, but there were guests who couldn't make it today.

Speaker 31 Look, we've had so many great guests in the past, and some people just couldn't make it.

Speaker 31 So luckily, one of the guests that we really, really, really wanted to be here.

Speaker 27 Yeah, he really wanted to be here, couldn't make it, but has made a video for you tonight so that he can be here in spirits.

Speaker 31 So here's a little video from a guest who can be here.

Speaker 141 Hello to the off-menu audience. I'm Dan Ackro.

Speaker 141 We hope you're having as much fun as I had the last time I spoke with Ed and James. You may know that I co-founded Crystal Head Vodka back in 2008.

Speaker 141 At Crystal Head, we use only the highest quality ingredients, pristine water from Newfoundland, Canada, without any additives, to create unique expressions of vodka.

Speaker 141 Bristol Head Original, our corn, our Onyx, agave-based vodka, our Aurora, sunset wheat from England, and the corn in our Pride bottle.

Speaker 141 They all make excellent gifts and are available for next day delivery for those last-minute holiday thoughts.

Speaker 133 Ed and James, we wish you the best with your project.

Speaker 84 Happy holidays and happy new year to you.

Speaker 82 He actually did it.

Speaker 31 Actually did it. And I would wager fucking no memory of ever meeting us.

Speaker 31 No idea what he was saying there.

Speaker 46 No, we told Benito to ask him to do that as a junk.

Speaker 4 And then Benito got back to us a month later and just sent us that cold with no

Speaker 82 text.

Speaker 81 There's that.

Speaker 60 And we could not believe it.

Speaker 5 I watched it 50 times in a day.

Speaker 31 There were some stipulations to getting that video.

Speaker 37 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 35 We got it. We got the hood.

Speaker 3 No, that's not.

Speaker 34 We've just got to put that there for the rest of the recording.

Speaker 46 Absolutely delicious.

Speaker 31 The head.

Speaker 132 Not in the pride bottle, sadly.

Speaker 46 If you haven't listened to the Dan Atcoyd episode, please do.

Speaker 96 It's the best thing we've ever done with our lives.

Speaker 31 Episode is a generous word.

Speaker 4 The debacle.

Speaker 31 Should we bring another guest on, James?

Speaker 93 Yeah, we should be standing for the first guest.

Speaker 52 Standing for this guest, that should be.

Speaker 50 Very, very, very exciting.

Speaker 27 We continue with the fan favourites. It's only fan favorites tonight because it's Christmas.

Speaker 58 Please, welcome to the stage, Munya Chihuahua!

Speaker 31 Wow, we've not that that was the thirstiest reaction we've had tonight, yeah.

Speaker 96 Matt, maybe we should have found Joel.

Speaker 78 How much of this is HM that you're wearing?

Speaker 78 Be honest, how much of it's HM, Munya?

Speaker 45 All right, so listen.

Speaker 93 I don't know if you've seen Munya on the tube looking very sexy, sporting a lot of HM gear.

Speaker 46 You see, I actually don't even like dogs, right?

Speaker 74 Right.

Speaker 31 Because I had some bad experience. There's dogs on the show, by the way, just in case you thought Munya's.

Speaker 31 I mean, he says weird shit, but that would be outrageous even for him.

Speaker 79 Munya doesn't think that HM is run by dogs.

Speaker 45 I don't like dogs because I've had all the traumatic experiences you could have with dogs, I've had them.

Speaker 31 Munya, I'm just going to read, sorry, I'm just going to read a message you sent me.

Speaker 55 This was

Speaker 31 quite soon after you recorded off-menu, which you just admitted to me, by the way, that you had absolutely no idea what the fuck it was when you agreed to do it.

Speaker 46 Munya didn't know what it was. When we started asking him questions about food, he had to just riff it.

Speaker 45 When you shouted that poppadum sing at me, I was like, bro, stop trying to be cool.

Speaker 35 Like, I thought that was just a stop.

Speaker 129 No one's ever cool about me.

Speaker 5 This guy's trying to be cool.

Speaker 77 You think it's cool to shelve popped arms or bread?

Speaker 31 Now, Munya, just because you brought dogs up,

Speaker 31 this might be something that you're referencing. So this was just.

Speaker 58 And just

Speaker 62 to put this text in context, Munya had done our podcast.

Speaker 78 He'd talked about the time he got his bum stuck in a window.

Speaker 46 He talked about setting fire to a whole bunch of gardens in Zimbabwe.

Speaker 93 He'd talked about...

Speaker 31 Covering his feet in Vaseline and skidding around in a bath to practice his balance.

Speaker 107 Yes, and then seeing it.

Speaker 75 And she then reused on Taskmaster.

Speaker 96 Well, he didn't mention on Taskmaster that while he was doing that, you saw an elephant out the window.

Speaker 46 So that's the kind of episode we'd had with Monya. And then he said this text.

Speaker 31 So I said, podcast's out now, everyone's loving it.

Speaker 45 Hope you're well.

Speaker 31 He said, yeah, just seen, thanks for having me. Three days later, yo, I forgot to tell you guys, my dog got eaten in a stew.

Speaker 27 Followed by the cry and laughing emoji.

Speaker 42 Yeah, three, three of them.

Speaker 45 I don't know whether I should tell that story. It's too sad.

Speaker 31 But listen. Well, we know the end.

Speaker 33 Alright.

Speaker 45 I will tell you that story later.

Speaker 31 Okay, well, this is what you did when you were on the podcast the first time.

Speaker 31 You absolutely refused to tell any stories. You were like, no, no, no, I'll save that for next time I'm on.
Don't normally do that, wouldn't you?

Speaker 43 Alright.

Speaker 71 So,

Speaker 45 the story about dogs that comes to mind is...

Speaker 31 That it's not the stew one.

Speaker 118 I was...

Speaker 52 No.

Speaker 45 I was in Zimbabwe, alright?

Speaker 132 And

Speaker 45 I'm getting taken to school. So as we're driving to the school now, I'm looking at the school wall and I'm seeing this dog like trying to claw its way in.
So I'm thinking, this dog's crazy, right?

Speaker 45 So anyway, my dad's like, just watch out for that dog if it comes in the school.

Speaker 93 This is your dad who invented giant saddles.

Speaker 43 Giant Sazzaballs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 He wants my dad, you know, his first priority is to protect me. He even, my mum, if he tells me a story, he jumped out a 200-foot tree.
to save me from a madman.

Speaker 31 So, okay, now I'm getting flashbacks to the first time we chatted, Munya.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 31 We were trying to tell a story about a mad dog getting into a school, and you've diverted into a story about your dad jumping out of a 200-foot tree. But that which, by the way, doesn't exist.

Speaker 52 No, no, no, it does.

Speaker 135 No, hang on, it does.

Speaker 31 A 200-foot tree?

Speaker 45 Well, hang on, because I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, oh, if a man jumped out a 200-foot tree, it will break every bone in his body.

Speaker 38 Sure.

Speaker 45 But then, if I say to you, oh, it's a rumor that pregnant women can lift cars, you don't bat an eyelid.

Speaker 43 You, you, you, my eyelids doing nothing but fucking batting right now.

Speaker 5 And I'll be honest, Monya, none of that was in my head.

Speaker 73 What was in my head was what was his dad doing in a tree in the first place?

Speaker 49 200 foot tree.

Speaker 45 Look, because the thing is, I don't want to get sidetracked tonight.

Speaker 112 So, look,

Speaker 112 if

Speaker 43 none of us do.

Speaker 5 What story are you telling now? Okay, let me

Speaker 29 be crystal clear.

Speaker 45 Let me clarify a fact, then tell a little story, then the big story.

Speaker 35 So the fact is, when

Speaker 45 okay, when a woman's pregnant, yeah,

Speaker 63 because they...

Speaker 84 Let's stay on that, yeah?

Speaker 45 Because their instinct is to protect the child, they get superhuman strength. If you Google it, after this, can a pregnant woman lift a car?

Speaker 81 Yes.

Speaker 43 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, hang on. I think that's the example of myself.

Speaker 31 I do sort of know what you're getting at. Yeah.
But I think it's a mum lifting a car up from her child that's already born. Why is the mum who has the baby in her stomach lifting the car up?

Speaker 5 Because mum's going around saving people because they're so strong.

Speaker 43 No, pregnant women do.

Speaker 45 So, there's a window after the pregnan after the giving birth that she's still pregnant because the belly is still out, right?

Speaker 38 Okay, so that's not still pregnant. It's pregnant.

Speaker 77 She's not still pregnant after giving birth when you listen.

Speaker 45 You're now getting sidetracked because I know you got us there.

Speaker 57 Yeah, we did get sidetracked.

Speaker 77 We did get sidetracked.

Speaker 31 No, sorry, we didn't know what you meant by deriving.

Speaker 45 Let me take charge. So,

Speaker 45 yes, my dad is in a tree.

Speaker 88 Why? In Derby.

Speaker 132 Now.

Speaker 31 A 200-foot tree in Derby.

Speaker 51 I think we would know about that.

Speaker 50 Why is he in a tree?

Speaker 113 Okay.

Speaker 138 Have you never... Come on, man.

Speaker 45 Have you never just seen a tree and thought, well, it's just standing there? I have to interact with it. Anyway, my dad, he likes to do these things.
He likes to do these things.

Speaker 45 Anyway, he was in a tree, alright?

Speaker 38 I was playing on the pavement.

Speaker 43 So you're playing.

Speaker 45 And he's, because if you've got him on here, he'll tell you this story. I was on the pavement playing around, and this crazy guy just starts sprinting towards me,

Speaker 74 right?

Speaker 45 And my dad sees that and he just jumps from the tree

Speaker 45 with because adrenaline, even though he's even if he broke his bones, he wouldn't feel it in that moment. Yeah, I didn't say to him after that, Oh, did you break any bones?

Speaker 45 That's the only bit of the story I know. So, maybe he broke his bones.
Because if I said, Oh, he jumped out a tree, saved my life, but broke all his bones, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Speaker 62 Yeah, so your dad jumped 200 feet out of a tree, landed just on his feet like a cat,

Speaker 110 and the madman did what? Ran away again?

Speaker 45 So if you saw someone jump out a 200-foot tree and live, you wouldn't be afraid.

Speaker 44 If I was a madman, no.

Speaker 45 Anyway, I don't know what happened after that, but all I know is there was a dog outside my school.

Speaker 10 Yes, right.

Speaker 31 Can I just check where in Derby is this 200-foot tree?

Speaker 45 It's a place called Allington.

Speaker 31 Allington. And in an urban area of Derby, because there's a pavement, so people are living there.
Yeah. There's a 200-foot tree in the middle of the pavement.

Speaker 45 If the tree is growing out of the pavement, we can assume already it's a supernatural, you know, it's like an artificial tree.

Speaker 110 No, they don't grow out of the pavements like that.

Speaker 36 When they're making the pavement, they put it around.

Speaker 31 This sums you up. You just said the word supernatural, corrected yourself and said artificial.

Speaker 45 For a tree to make it through a pavement in the first place, it has to be naturally selected.

Speaker 74 So it has to be...

Speaker 62 What do you think happened, Munya?

Speaker 82 Do you think they laid a pavement and then the pavement started going

Speaker 46 just over time and then a tree came out of it

Speaker 36 and fully or do you think there was a tree there and they had to build the pavement kind of around a bit of the tree?

Speaker 45 I think there were several tree seeds and the most powerful one is the one that flew through.

Speaker 45 Anyway, the thing is, this is ain't even the story I'm trying to tell. I'm trying to say to you,

Speaker 45 I was in school and there was a dog at the wall.

Speaker 52 What kind of a dog was it? Do you remember?

Speaker 80 It had rabies.

Speaker 45 So when I.

Speaker 31 Okay, I'm just remembering the shape of your stories.

Speaker 31 Basically, the stories within the story will be insane, and the actual story you're trying to tell will be so mundane that you shouldn't have told it.

Speaker 45 Yeah. Only when I come on this show do I feel like they're insane.
Any other time, it's a normal story.

Speaker 82 Well, you might want to re-watch a series of Times dogs.

Speaker 128 Dogs, right?

Speaker 48 Yes.

Speaker 45 They like activity. Okay.
So it makes sense that a dog would be near a school because there's a lot of footing and ball games.

Speaker 117 Right?

Speaker 128 So,

Speaker 45 anyway, I just noticed that this particular dog is going crazy. So I go into school and I'm like, please, Lord, don't let the dog get into the school.

Speaker 46 You're worried about it. The next thing I know, this is before

Speaker 45 the school bell goes, I'm seeing in the distance various of my friends being chased by this dog.

Speaker 117 Right?

Speaker 38 Yeah, being chased. It's got babies.

Speaker 45 Now, at the time,

Speaker 45 should I put this detail now? Well,

Speaker 45 at the time,

Speaker 45 I used to gallop around school.

Speaker 45 No one took it seriously, but this shit.

Speaker 58 Really? This shit was...

Speaker 57 No one took the galloping kid seriously around school.

Speaker 77 Fucking toughness of them are going around school.

Speaker 45 I could go so fast.

Speaker 43 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 46 How fast were you galloping compared to the other kids when they were running?

Speaker 110 You know,

Speaker 45 as a kid, you would think to yourself, if I do anything that could get me bullied, I'll stop it unless it's effective. This galloping was so effective, I didn't care.

Speaker 97 That's how I knew it was fast.

Speaker 31 So basically, the bullies couldn't catch up with you, right?

Speaker 110 They were like, let's bully you. What the fuck are you galloping?

Speaker 77 Oh, he's gone. Yeah, there's no point.

Speaker 77 Right. But he was looking at the dog.

Speaker 93 We could have caught him. What?

Speaker 45 I'm looking at the dog and I'm like, I know it's going to chase me. These things always happen to me, right?

Speaker 77 Because it's chasing all of your friends.

Speaker 38 So, anyway. So it's already chasing all of your friends.

Speaker 45 The dog starts chasing me.

Speaker 36 Can you remember the moment when the dog saw you when you knew you were going to get chased?

Speaker 45 Oh yeah, because it was chasing a it was chasing a girl this way and then it saw me and switched directions and began chasing me. This is how I remember it anyway.

Speaker 45 And when I was running what I distinctly remember is number one I was galloping. Number two I needed I needed to get new school shoes because one of my school shoes had torn at the back.

Speaker 128 Because of the galloping.

Speaker 45 So this dog is this dog.

Speaker 38 It's because of the galloping.

Speaker 100 Or because of the galloping that you torn your shoes.

Speaker 31 Yeah, why didn't they just nail your shoes directly onto your fucking feet?

Speaker 76 I used to do a lot of

Speaker 48 drugs. Sports.

Speaker 45 I used to do a lot of sports.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 88 Including...

Speaker 45 So my shoes had a lot of wear. I even used to do line dancing.
Can you believe it?

Speaker 105 Right? Oh, wow.

Speaker 31 Vaseline or no Vaseline?

Speaker 47 Anyway.

Speaker 107 Normally at a line dance, you'd be tied to a post outside, wouldn't you?

Speaker 73 They dismount you and then go into the little dance.

Speaker 45 I'm running away from this dog. Yep.
And the dog is very nearly catching me.

Speaker 45 And I was afraid, because I heard what happened when a dog with rabies bites you, because we had a whole assembly on it.

Speaker 110 A whole assembly? Yeah.

Speaker 45 We had we had the only two assemblies I remember is what happens if a dog with rabies bites you and then number two was the Ness Quick Bunny.

Speaker 113 Right?

Speaker 30 I don't know what to do.

Speaker 101 This is a problem I can't keep up.

Speaker 53 I've got nothing to say because there's everything to say.

Speaker 45 There's no story about the Nest Quick Bunny though.

Speaker 43 The assembly, there's a Nest Quick Bunny about the bunny. You had a whole assembly about the Nest Quick Bunny, muncha.

Speaker 58 Everyone in this room is thinking what the assembly was and trying to I would like you to explain how there was two assemblies.

Speaker 58 One was what happens if you get bitten by a dog who's got rabies and the other one was the life and the history of the nest bunny

Speaker 74 and there's no way anyone else from Zimbabwe has sat there going oh yeah I remember that one no they won't they won't darling wherever this but where did this one take place Zimbabwe well the

Speaker 45 thing about the Nesquick bunny story is that I find that very suspicious because they they had the nest quick bunny behind the stage What? See

Speaker 45 the way you said to, oh ladies and gentlemen, Muny Twawa, I walked out, they said, not only are we going to give you free Nesquik, but the Nesquick bunny is behind the stage.

Speaker 45 But to get him out, you need to shout his name. Yeah, Nesquick Bunny.
But the bunny's name was Quickie.

Speaker 45 So we just had a room full of kids screaming Quickie, which, in retrospect, that's not cool.

Speaker 77 No, it's not cool.

Speaker 35 No, it's not cool. So, hold on.

Speaker 31 Do you know who did the voice for the Nesquick bunny?

Speaker 52 Mary Muggle. Mary Murgley's

Speaker 45 Prince Andrew.

Speaker 78 That's why the Nesquick Bunny never sweats.

Speaker 50 You had an assembly that was basically a promo for Nesquick cereal.

Speaker 45 Well, yeah, they must have had like a thing with the school.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Right?

Speaker 45 Anyway, Nesquick is not bad to drink, is it?

Speaker 111 No, it's very good for you. I'm sure.

Speaker 45 So then it makes sense for a school to partner with them.

Speaker 31 Was this, sorry, was this Derby or Zimbabwe?

Speaker 140 This story?

Speaker 87 Oh, this was.

Speaker 74 This was Zimbabwe.

Speaker 104 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 In Derby, they don't think outside the box like that.

Speaker 43 No.

Speaker 80 Yeah, maybe one's too busy up a fucking tree.

Speaker 76 By your hookups with quickie

Speaker 45 the nest quick story we didn't need to go there so anyway apologies

Speaker 45 the point i wanted to tell you because the thing is the maddest thing is the dog story is not even a big story you've now built it up to be this big story but

Speaker 45 the punchline is that the punchline is i escaped the dog but it bit the whole bottom of my shoe off

Speaker 31 so okay so this is exactly what i predicted would happen yeah

Speaker 38 the punchline is

Speaker 111 a dog bit the butter bottom of your shoe off.

Speaker 84 But along the way there,

Speaker 77 your dad has jumped out of a 200-foot tree and stopped a madman.

Speaker 31 A pregnant woman has lifted a car.

Speaker 82 A pregnant woman has lifted a car.

Speaker 111 Yeah, that happened.

Speaker 3 Let's not forget that that happened.

Speaker 78 The next quick bunny, who we've just discovered, his name is Quickie. We didn't know that.

Speaker 78 Came into your school for an assembly.

Speaker 50 The dog had rabies. You used to frequently gallop everywhere.

Speaker 57 But all this to tell us a dog once bit the bottom of your shoe up

Speaker 45 which is why it's amazing I'm wearing this shirt that's all I wanted to say yeah yeah

Speaker 10 well

Speaker 31 welcome to the show menya

Speaker 75 oh I'm knackered

Speaker 45 yeah me too

Speaker 5 So the dog that got eaten in a stew is a different dog.

Speaker 33 Alright.

Speaker 45 To me, personally,

Speaker 45 this dog was always cursed because we got two dogs.

Speaker 45 I called mine Charlie from a film called All Dogs Go to Heaven. You heard you seen that film? Right.

Speaker 31 So, Kiss of Death,

Speaker 36 yeah, yeah. My sister,

Speaker 45 my sister called the dog Ginger, which is stupid because it was a black Labrador, right?

Speaker 45 So, already I'm thinking, you know, this dog is stupid.

Speaker 43 This dog is stupid.

Speaker 45 Sorry, I'm thinking, you know, it's cursed.

Speaker 38 It's cursed.

Speaker 45 Then my sister would do, you know, my sister would do all sorts of weird things like she would polish. You know, the dogs underneath, they've got these weird, like, little pads.

Speaker 110 Yeah, and they're polished.

Speaker 45 Yeah, so she would always clean the pads, saying, aren't cleaning the dogs breaks. Yeah.

Speaker 52 Okay. So I'm like, you know.

Speaker 77 So in your family, you're the normal one.

Speaker 31 You know what I mean? We've got to do a podcast with Mooney's entire family.

Speaker 116 Not that we've been able to hear his dad.

Speaker 116 Hello.

Speaker 45 No one ever teaches you what's normal and what's not normal about a dog.

Speaker 81 So when I...

Speaker 45 When I...

Speaker 77 I think some people do teach that sort of stuff.

Speaker 96 I think that's actually made very clear what's normal and what's not normal about a dog.

Speaker 83 No.

Speaker 38 I didn't.

Speaker 31 James? No.

Speaker 45 Stand corrected. I didn't go outside for a whole two weeks because I saw my dog's bona and I didn't know what it was.

Speaker 140 Okay.

Speaker 45 You know

Speaker 45 the pink shit.

Speaker 36 I thought it was a disease. But why could you not go outside?

Speaker 38 Why do you have to go outside for it?

Speaker 5 You were self-isolating?

Speaker 135 No.

Speaker 45 I just don't want to want to be near it. I don't want to catch it.

Speaker 135 But wasn't the dog in the house?

Speaker 88 Oh no.

Speaker 5 No, the dog was outside.

Speaker 45 Because it's hot in Zimbabwe.

Speaker 46 And you thought if I go outside I'll see the boner again.

Speaker 111 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 31 Oh, so I misheard it.

Speaker 31 I thought you said you went outside for two weeks because you saw a dog's boner. No.

Speaker 47 No, I.

Speaker 93 Well, you couldn't go outside for two weeks because you saw his dog's boner.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 45 I was traumatized.

Speaker 31 Sorry, you know, I... That makes much more sense.

Speaker 47 Here's the real question: and props to the dog.

Speaker 5 How did it sustain the boner for two weeks?

Speaker 45 There was this pie.

Speaker 54 Will it?

Speaker 45 Basically, I thought that the dog posed a risk to me because already once it nearly took my life. Not by biting me, but because one day I walked past the dog.

Speaker 24 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 45 And I look, and you know, my grandparents had been to town, so I had a lot of sweets just kicking about. They always bought sweets from England.

Speaker 31 By the way, Benito just came over and went like that to suggest that the next guest is coming over.

Speaker 39 And I went like this.

Speaker 43 Yeah. Ben.

Speaker 84 Nothing we can do.

Speaker 36 We might as well have just put on one of the Batman films.

Speaker 110 I was like, this is like.

Speaker 44 No way.

Speaker 57 We just started Avengers Endgame.

Speaker 43 Well,

Speaker 45 Ben, as a producer, I would just say, do you want to bring on a guest before or I tell you my dog was in a stew?

Speaker 31 You can't go and I'll tell you why my dog was in a stew when the next guest is in.

Speaker 78 We'll hear about your dog being in a stew and then we'll bring up the next guest.

Speaker 5 Okay, all right, who I imagine has questions.

Speaker 38 This is a quick one.

Speaker 128 So I walk past a dog and there's a

Speaker 45 there's a skittle on it. What? There's a skittle, like a single skittle.

Speaker 58 Like the sweet.

Speaker 45 The sweet.

Speaker 96 Not a bowling pin or something.

Speaker 31 This says after you've not looked you.

Speaker 45 This is the dog is still alive.

Speaker 31 This is after the the boner thing.

Speaker 45 This is after the boner thing. So we've made amends.

Speaker 45 And I see the sweet on the dog, and I'm thinking, you know what? My mum's always saying germs are good for you, whatnot. So maybe I'll try and eat the Skittle off the dog's back.

Speaker 38 So I go to...

Speaker 31 Yeah, that's what your mum meant. Germs are good for you.
Now and again, Munya, eat a sweet off a dog's back.

Speaker 38 How is it different?

Speaker 36 People say water off a dog's back.

Speaker 45 What a duck's back. So how is it different?

Speaker 43 Sweet off a dog's back.

Speaker 44 People aren't drinking water off a duck's back.

Speaker 57 That's not what the saying is.

Speaker 84 The saying is is that water off a duck's back means that people drink the water off a duck's back.

Speaker 58 Yeah, and I eat the treat off a dog's back.

Speaker 43 Yeah, but that's a good thing. Yeah, but that's not.

Speaker 31 Water off a duck's back is water. It flows very easily off a duck's back.

Speaker 42 You are talking about a dog with a skittle somehow bouncing on a dog's spine.

Speaker 49 Yeah, the opposite.

Speaker 43 It's the opposite.

Speaker 45 If you take the skittle off a dog's back, it's not going to go.

Speaker 68 What the?

Speaker 88 What are you doing?

Speaker 57 It's going to not care.

Speaker 58 Give it a duck. Nothing to do with the duck.

Speaker 43 What are you talking about? Okay, it won't care about the duck.

Speaker 31 So you are saying that the phrase water off a duck's back is obviously like, yeah, it doesn't, I don't give a shit. And you're saying Skittle off a dog's back.

Speaker 31 If you are the dog and someone takes a Skittle off your back and you're like, yes, exactly.

Speaker 78 Most dogs would actually turn around and try and eat the Skittle.

Speaker 77 Actually, I'm going to say that.

Speaker 50 I'm going to say if you took a Skittle off a dog's back, it would turn around and be like,

Speaker 77 and try and eat it, because that's what dogs do when you've got food.

Speaker 35 The point is,

Speaker 45 I tried to take the skittle off the dog's back.

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 45 I was thinking, this shit is stuck down. Pulled it off, looked at it, I said, you know what? Actually, no.
Put it down. It was a tick.

Speaker 45 So you can see how I nearly died from that.

Speaker 138 Yeah, because

Speaker 46 you fell for the age-old trick.

Speaker 62 I'm thinking the tick was a skittle and trying to eat it.

Speaker 59 Off a dog's back.

Speaker 79 Who you were previously scared of because he got a boner.

Speaker 49 Continue. So, which

Speaker 49 presumably you thought was a push-pop-that's why you're scared of the bona, yeah.

Speaker 45 Anyway, for whatever reason, our dogs always used to jump over the gate, right? We had a small gate in front of the house, always used to jump over.

Speaker 45 One day, the dog jumps over, I can't see it anywhere, right?

Speaker 45 So, I climb over the wall and I say to my neighbors, Have you seen my dog? And they said,

Speaker 45 Look, the other neighbors they ate him.

Speaker 45 They they the rumour is they put him in a stew

Speaker 31 Yeah, man, I I've gigged in derby. I understand this.

Speaker 68 No, no

Speaker 76 Zimbabwe

Speaker 45 Because if it was a derby my dad would be on the tree saying what are these guys doing

Speaker 82 Don't put it in a stew

Speaker 29 Your dog jumped the fence

Speaker 57 like directly into a pot of stew or

Speaker 45 it was a it was going around going around

Speaker 45 which is which is sad because you know your your dogs are your first line of defense and then you have not yours

Speaker 45 in Zimbabwe we have this thing called a bambooka which is this big stick designed to beat thieves

Speaker 45 and my dad actually broke that stick in half yeah, but I ain't gonna tell you that now. I'm gonna tell you that after the next guest

Speaker 57 No, I love it munya does that every time every time but I will not tell you that now

Speaker 56 Well, we'll bring the next guest out.

Speaker 106 Now, oh, we do have a present for munya, but I'm not sure

Speaker 79 what it is or where it is.

Speaker 5 I honestly don't really know.

Speaker 29 Is it this?

Speaker 31 It's just under the closh.

Speaker 45 It better be a stickle. We can't.

Speaker 78 I've got no idea what this is, Munya.

Speaker 31 Well, it can't be a Skittle, Munya, because we can't...

Speaker 104 No, we didn't have to.

Speaker 31 We can't edit your present on the fly.

Speaker 78 No one predicted that you were going to have tried to eat a tick once because you thought it was a Skittle.

Speaker 78 I mean, I'm assuming it was a tick that had the letter S on its back.

Speaker 43 Shall I open? Yeah. Yeah, going for it.

Speaker 51 There's a pot of Vaseline.

Speaker 5 Now, that is because you like to line the bathtub with Vaseline and pretend to surf in the bath.

Speaker 31 I'll be honest, we also asked for a paddling pool so you could try it out live, and we were told the insurance would not cover it.

Speaker 53 Are you ready for another guest?

Speaker 31 You're gonna get fucking told off, munja.

Speaker 46 One of the OG fan favourites.

Speaker 31 OG fan favourites.

Speaker 47 Very excited to have her on.

Speaker 51 Please welcome Sisoo V.

Speaker 82 However you like Sindhu,

Speaker 82 can Sindhu sit in the middle?

Speaker 118 No, no, I can sit here. That's easy.
You can sit there.

Speaker 85 Far away from me as well.

Speaker 118 I have so much to say. Yeah.

Speaker 121 Okay.

Speaker 118 First of all, I have been bitten by a dog 13 different dogs 13 times before I was 10.

Speaker 82 13 times?

Speaker 118 Yeah, 13 times before I was 10.

Speaker 87 That's like 1.1 a year.

Speaker 118 Correct. But some of them were several times in a year because as a child I loved dogs.

Speaker 118 We lived in the Philippines and there were these gates and then under the gate there would be a little nose, you know, and you'd be like, oh doggy doggy and the dog would be like, ah, and then bite your hand.

Speaker 118 And then sometimes I'd say a dog in the road, but doggy doggy.

Speaker 118 And the thing is...

Speaker 5 Say that 13 times.

Speaker 118 No, but then I would have to be taken to the hospital. And because in the Philippines dogs can have rabies, you'd get 11 shots in your stomach.

Speaker 118 And my dad would take me every time and like at some point we would get to the hospital nurse would be like oh yeah you you go there get your shots like it was that common

Speaker 118 and it was always so painful to get bitten and then have the shots but what can I say I was a stupid child it's not uncommon.

Speaker 60 Were you falling for the same trick every time?

Speaker 107 No.

Speaker 29 Because my nose was under the gate.

Speaker 110 No. Or were there different ways that the dogs kept getting you?

Speaker 118 Yeah, no, sometimes they were just walking by.

Speaker 130 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 But you had 11 jabs every time.

Speaker 118 No, no, because sometimes they were so close I would just get the booster because I just had the 11 shots.

Speaker 116 Right?

Speaker 31 If I'd say seventh dog, you probably should have been like, I'll probably not.

Speaker 118 No, I used to be like, oh, this dog is friendly.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 118 And then the reason I never was bitten the 14th time was

Speaker 118 on the 13th time, while my dad was taking me in the evening to the doctor, my mom said to me, Is the faitum gharao met my jan leongi?

Speaker 118 Which means she said, This time when you come home, I will kill you

Speaker 118 because every time your father's food gets cold, the dinner, and the dogs are exhausted of biting you. So I will say, you come home today, I will kill you.
So I was like, Oh, she might.

Speaker 116 Yeah, she's

Speaker 31 another wonderful phrase from you on the podcast, ever since to the hungry man, even the door looks like crisps.

Speaker 118 And so she said,

Speaker 118 Yeah, and so I was so scared of my mom, I was like, Okay, I'm not gonna get bitten. So it was 13 times.
So I get it. Dogs are...

Speaker 118 Dogs in the UK are so sane.

Speaker 118 You know, they're so sane.

Speaker 120 They're like, oh, hi, hi.

Speaker 118 And

Speaker 118 you can pet them. And you say, what's your name? Oh, my name is Ben's dog's called Toast.
Oh, hello, Toast.

Speaker 118 But dogs outside, especially in India, dogs will fuck you up.

Speaker 53 They're not going to play, you know.

Speaker 118 And yeah, so that was one thing I remember. And I was always fascinated.
Here, you can leave your dogs in the park and they play with each other. In India, they rip each other to shreds.

Speaker 118 So, that your dog story, I was like, Yeah, I know.

Speaker 31 You know, I never expected our next guest to come on and say to Munya, Oh, yeah, I agreed with that.

Speaker 43 Yeah, yeah, no, no.

Speaker 78 I 100% was like, We're about to bring out one of the most logical people that I know.

Speaker 77 Munya's about to get torn apart.

Speaker 46 You're absolutely right, Munya.

Speaker 77 I was bit 13 times.

Speaker 118 Yeah, but also,

Speaker 118 our neighbors lost their dog, and my mother was like, Oh, the opposite side neighbors ate it.

Speaker 45 She said,

Speaker 118 they have eaten it. And I was like, really? She said, ha ha, some people eat the dogs.

Speaker 86 She said, ha ha.

Speaker 91 Ha ha.

Speaker 128 Ha ha means yes, yes.

Speaker 43 Oh, okay.

Speaker 57 Ha ha means yes, yes.

Speaker 57 I thought that was the meanest person.

Speaker 115 Ha ha, somebody ate your dog.

Speaker 77 Goodbye.

Speaker 31 Your mum's Nelson Muntz.

Speaker 118 But also, she was like, so sure. And then we had two dogs, and I always kept them secret from the lady opposite because I didn't want my dogs to be in a stew.

Speaker 118 And also we're vegetarian so we couldn't even have

Speaker 65 some stew.

Speaker 45 My stories are normal, but you two, you gaslight me.

Speaker 52 Well, I don't, I have to say,

Speaker 118 no, I have to say, talk about gaslighting. 200-foot trees and dads jumping out, please, please.

Speaker 118 But you know, when you're young, you give your parents superpowers, and that's cute. No, he taught me that.
Of course he did.

Speaker 44 Of course he did. Do you know how high 200-foot is?

Speaker 45 I went on a ride at Olton Towers with just 200 foot. Yeah.

Speaker 45 And I understand that that might seem implausible, but for example, if you were to catch the random branch on the way down each time, you know, you reduce the momentum. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 So I'm not saying that he fell down a completely branchless tree.

Speaker 77 No, you're saying he didn't.

Speaker 80 You're saying your dad went do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Speaker 31 Landed on his feet, beat up a madman, and took you home, right?

Speaker 38 Yeah, he had his nest quick that day.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 78 You're saying that that your dad is Spider-Man. Yeah.

Speaker 45 Well, why is he always changing his names then?

Speaker 118 And also, we have a stick that you use to beat up bad people and all that, and it's called Lati.

Speaker 24 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 129 Just FYI.

Speaker 118 How big was this? Because my mother used to say, Lati Nikaloo, shall I take out the Lati? Then you say, no, no, I'll do my homework.

Speaker 77 What does that translate as?

Speaker 118 Shall I take out the Lati? Shall I take out the stick we used to kill people? And you say, no, I'll do my homework. That's what it translates as.

Speaker 107 Shall I take out the stick we used to kill people?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 118 Indian mothers, they don't play. Indian mothers and Indian dogs neither play.
They'll fuck you up.

Speaker 106 How many times have you been bitten by Indian mothers?

Speaker 48 Never.

Speaker 118 Although, now that you're bringing me out of the gate, my cousin baby did bite people all the time.

Speaker 118 My cousin baby, who lives in Bangalore, and I'm going to tell her to listen to this. She's called baby.
She's like 48, but we call her baby because she's young. And she was younger than all of us.

Speaker 118 Anyway, she used to bite people, like it was a thing, she would just bite people, and then it became really fun. I used to have to go to the post office with my parents, and we would take baby with us

Speaker 88 because she bit people, yeah.

Speaker 118 And then we would hold on to her, and we would, and she hadn't bitten anyone all day, she was getting crazy,

Speaker 118 and we would take her, and then we'd say, Baby, baby, after we'd done our work, me and my cousins, that guy, and she would dash and bite them, and then we would run out of the post office.

Speaker 31 And this is a 48-year-old woman.

Speaker 118 No, no, she was like, I don't know, nine or ten, but so much biting. No, no, she was young, but she was a biter.

Speaker 38 Yeah, she sounds like a biter.

Speaker 118 Yeah, big biter.

Speaker 38 Mind development is going, bite that person.

Speaker 57 Also, if it was in the post office, if it wasn't a very busy day, would she have to go all the way around the queue before she picked them?

Speaker 118 No, she didn't care. She was like a man.
You know, what's that thing, the Tasmanian devil?

Speaker 88 Yeah, Tasmanian.

Speaker 118 Yeah, she would just go,

Speaker 118 run through people, push them, push them, but you had to tell her the guy the guy with the blue shirt and she would go and she'd bite them here

Speaker 118 and then run We laughed. It was it was really fun.
You know like some kids made prank calls we used to send baby to bite people

Speaker 77 This is my favorite moment I think of the whole evening and it went large largely unnoticed is the two of you are so much on the same page in the same wavelength.

Speaker 78 There's a point where you went you know that Tasmanian devil that goes round and when you really seriously went task yeah

Speaker 31 had his had his microphone down here listening to Cindu's story and just yeah Taz yeah

Speaker 71 Taz

Speaker 71 also

Speaker 78 everyone else when you said you know that Tasmanian devil that goes round and round everyone else thought oh yeah like the literal animal that gets called a Tasmanian devil munya thought oh she's referring to the looney toons character I'm referring to the looney toons character

Speaker 118 Taz, yes.

Speaker 31 We booked this line up in the second half for you to come out and provide some logical balance, Cindu, and it's

Speaker 110 not paid off.

Speaker 36 We deliberately were like, we'll get out Monya.

Speaker 50 He'll tell you stories that make no sense.

Speaker 36 Cindu will come out and absolutely break it all down.

Speaker 118 No, but I mean, there's some parts of those stories that are very real to me. So,

Speaker 118 you know.

Speaker 31 What about the eating tick off a dog's back because he thought it was a schedule?

Speaker 118 I mean, all children are allowed to be stupid. That's fine.
You know, I mean, and I suppose if you're used to...

Speaker 118 The thing is, what I really appreciate is he didn't eat it. Yeah.
You know, because a lot of kids would be like, there are no, you know, Skittles sometimes are not so squishy, but let me try. Yeah.

Speaker 118 But he didn't do that.

Speaker 79 Yeah, actually, Michael, we should have given you props.

Speaker 31 But my friend Michael Pun ate rabbit poo once because we told him it was Malteses.

Speaker 101 There you go.

Speaker 45 I would have survived because

Speaker 45 my body can avoid poisoning.

Speaker 77 You know, okay, think about it. Think about it.

Speaker 118 What are I saying? Ticks are not poisonous. Ticks are not poisonous.

Speaker 44 How do you know that?

Speaker 118 Because we had dogs that had ticks and they didn't die.

Speaker 88 Yeah, but they...

Speaker 88 Ed. No.

Speaker 45 But they don't eat the ticks.

Speaker 38 They have a lot of people.

Speaker 52 I'm just going for a way to do it.

Speaker 118 The ticks eat them. And the poison would have gone in.

Speaker 45 Okay, anyway, Ed, you're going to want to hear this.

Speaker 118 Ed, come back.

Speaker 38 Oh.

Speaker 45 You know, like when I told you about there was a time that I drank a cocktail that had almonds in it, I survived, right?

Speaker 59 13 times.

Speaker 38 I'm allergic to nuts.

Speaker 110 Oh, right. Nuts.

Speaker 31 That makes more sense. You've got to preface it with that, Munya, otherwise, it doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 45 I've eaten nuts maybe like, you know, a different like almonds, hazelnuts, peanuts, maybe like 13 times in my life.

Speaker 118 Yeah, same as you can. Now, maybe you're not allergic.

Speaker 88 No, no, I.

Speaker 4 Perhaps. This is what we thought it would be like.

Speaker 45 Here we go. Because now you see what you're going to do.

Speaker 45 I went to the house.

Speaker 31 I forgot about Nish has turned into a pitch for someone else's chap show.

Speaker 111 Yeah, I mean, clearly, clearly, everyone wants to see this podcast.

Speaker 66 By the way, can I...

Speaker 118 No, but can I just say in my defense, in the first half, I was like, oh, food podcast, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 118 I kept listening, and suddenly it was like Nish was like, I have a lot of movement. And then Rosie came under honking her breasts.

Speaker 12 I said, what the fuck is going on here?

Speaker 118 So I put on my AirPods and listened to some other shit.

Speaker 118 So where's the food chat?

Speaker 45 Yeah, but we're talking about food, because nuts.

Speaker 64 Oh.

Speaker 53 I know.

Speaker 31 Skittles and nuts.

Speaker 76 I know I'm allergic.

Speaker 38 I didn't saw a Skittle, but it was a techie. I didn't eat it.

Speaker 45 Because in Tunisia, I ate a nutty ice cream and I hummed my throat open.

Speaker 122 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 71 So.

Speaker 118 Because it was closing up when you went long.

Speaker 48 I hummed.

Speaker 118 To keep it going.

Speaker 65 To keep it going. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 88 James. What's your cook?

Speaker 114 I get that.

Speaker 118 No, because then if it's like a movement, it's still opening and closing.

Speaker 45 I'm allergic. But the thing is, I was afraid to use an EpiPen, which is how I developed my resistance to nuts.

Speaker 118 We're not even paying attention now. Ed.

Speaker 45 Guys, you guys, you have to listen to this.

Speaker 56 Numb additives.

Speaker 71 So...

Speaker 45 Okay, James, take a seat.

Speaker 110 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 77 Sorry, man, I am listening.

Speaker 48 Cheers, bro.

Speaker 31 So you had an allergic reaction to

Speaker 52 it. So.

Speaker 45 Even.

Speaker 45 So even I don't get any.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 33 So

Speaker 31 there's nuts in it.

Speaker 45 I didn't use it.

Speaker 45 I didn't use an EpiPen because I misinterpreted what an EpiPen did. So that's why whenever I ate nuts, I had to just find my own way of coping because I thought

Speaker 45 it wasn't.

Speaker 78 They don't say you thought an EpiPen gave you an epileptic.

Speaker 45 no no no okay thank God someone said an EpiPen is full of adrenaline right now what that does is when you inject yourself it then makes you throw up okay so I've heard I thought when you inject yourself with it you become powerful like you become super strong and like go into a rage and jump off trees 200 feet

Speaker 45 so I didn't know what would happen to me if I injected myself in a public place and from fear of that I just never used it and that's how I became immune to nuts.

Speaker 45 If you have EpiPen, use it, but until maybe last year, I thought that you know it could cause chaos.

Speaker 31 Just, I mean, I know I don't need to do this, but please know that everything Munya says is complete fucking bullshit.

Speaker 138 Don't anyone follow this.

Speaker 43 Yeah, but also,

Speaker 118 but also, it seems in Zimbabwe they neither explain dogs nor EpiPens. Because he said, oh, they didn't teach us what was about dogs.

Speaker 77 They only taught him about Nesquick and if a dog with radies bites you.

Speaker 31 They didn't teach him about dog boners.

Speaker 86 What's your Christmas light, Cinder?

Speaker 12 So for the record,

Speaker 118 I absolutely love Christmas so much. Yes, I love it so much.

Speaker 118 It's a fantastic time of the year leading up to Christmas. Just in last year I learned the term crimbo.

Speaker 120 I love that.

Speaker 118 Happy crimbo.

Speaker 138 It's a good term.

Speaker 118 I learned that from Becca who works with me.

Speaker 118 Anyway, happy Krimbo. So I love Christmas.
I've always loved Christmas.

Speaker 118 Because in India, everyone has Christmas, and there's Christmas trees. And there's, as I've mentioned before, there's Santa Claus in India, but he's not quite like your Santa Claus here.

Speaker 118 Because I mean, it's a kind of a foreigner Santa Claus, you know. First of all, not fair at all.
So wears a lot of powder because he has to look fair like in the books.

Speaker 118 And then they sweat and it runs down their face. It's not very convincing to a child.

Speaker 118 And you know, sometimes it goes in their eyes and then sometimes it goes in their mouth and you meet them, they're saying, maddie,

Speaker 118 Christmas. It's like, no.

Speaker 118 Also, not fat and jolly. Because in India, if you take the Santa job, you're probably not fat.

Speaker 32 You

Speaker 118 need the job, so you're quite thin.

Speaker 118 So, yeah, it's not a very convincing Santa, but it's Santa, and we have our Santa, and we have our Christmas trees, and it's great. And then now I'm married to a Scandinavian.

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 118 And they have proper Christmas. They have candles on their Christmas tree and a bucket of water nearby.
But anyway, they have this. So, and I love it.

Speaker 118 And we have a very traditional Danish Christmas with very traditional Danish Christmas food.

Speaker 138 What's traditional Danish Christmas food?

Speaker 118 It's either a turkey or a goose, depending on whether you apparently, I don't... Until 2020, I didn't eat meat, so I didn't understand any of this.

Speaker 118 It was like, it's a bird, and my mother-in-law has her hand up a bird, whatever, who knows. But turkeys, if you like to be healthy, and goose has more fat, I believe.
It's that.

Speaker 118 It's savory potatoes and it's caramelized potatoes, which I have mentioned on your podcast in the past.

Speaker 118 That's very important.

Speaker 118 It's two side salads. One of them has chicory.
I don't know what the other one has. I don't like salad.
I haven't paid attention to it much.

Speaker 118 No. And then it's very important: the dessert.
It's called Reese Allemande. And it's rice.
It's a French name. It's rice and cream and almonds and it's like a sweet pudding.
Yeah, I'm out.

Speaker 118 Yeah, that's fine, because you're not allergic, so you'll be fine. We'll see.

Speaker 118 Anyway, and then

Speaker 108 hum the rest of Christmas day.

Speaker 31 You'd be fine.

Speaker 118 Yeah, exactly. You'd just be like,

Speaker 118 anyway, you'd just do jingle bells in your throat.

Speaker 118 But in the Reese Alamand is a whole almond.

Speaker 118 And you eat this thing, and the family member that gets the whole almond takes it out and they get a present. So when I first got married, it was fine, blah, blah, blah.
I was very competitive.

Speaker 118 I wanted to wish, you know, and I tried to cheat, and apparently, that's not good. I got my own almond, and I was like,

Speaker 118 and my mother-in-law was so disappointed. But then, when we had kids, it's like, oh, the kids should win.
And it's like, that's not how the real world works.

Speaker 118 You know, and then my mother, the first Christmas she joined, of course she cheated. Because, you know, it's like you want to win.
And she was always so happy.

Speaker 118 The kids would cry. My mother would be like, I won.

Speaker 118 And she would say, they have to learn what is the real world.

Speaker 118 If you don't get almond, you're a loser. Anyway,

Speaker 118 so you have to get the almond and then you get a prize. And it's a huge thing.
So what you do is you take massive servings. That's how I found out I was lactose intolerant.

Speaker 118 Honestly, that's how I found out. Because I just ate so much to win.

Speaker 31 Did you try humming?

Speaker 118 No, no, I didn't have that. I just,

Speaker 118 it was terrible afterwards, you know.

Speaker 76 Diarrhea?

Speaker 118 Yeah, I mean, but I'm Indian, so I have quite a steel stomach. So it wasn't quite diarrhea, but it was a lot of...
Nish would love this, just farting.

Speaker 118 He would love it. Yeah, he would love it.
Nish would love it. But anyway, so that's Risalamonde is a big part of it.

Speaker 118 And then you have two or three different kinds of Christmas biscuits, smoke hair and the ones, and brunke, and so, and that's it. And then you have marzipan gol, which is marzipan bread.

Speaker 118 So it's marzipan with

Speaker 118 what is it, nouga? So it's nouga wrapped in marzipan wrapped in melted chocolate.

Speaker 26 Oh my god.

Speaker 52 Let's talk about that for a bit longer.

Speaker 63 That sounds great.

Speaker 118 It's so good.

Speaker 31 It's more dangerous to me than a sniper on the opposite house.

Speaker 34 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 118 No, no,

Speaker 118 this is not the meal for

Speaker 118 real diabetics. For fake nut allergy, it's fine.
But for real diabetics, it's not the meal. I don't think it's fake.
I think that it's not real. Anyway.

Speaker 118 But what I will say is this. As a vegetarian, when I joined the family, it was like, well, what am I going to have for my main course? They were very concerned.

Speaker 118 So the second year, I remember my husband's aunt, they were very concerned because it's a a formal meal. She made something called a nut loaf.

Speaker 31 Why are you nodding, Munya?

Speaker 31 That should be the exact thing that you shake your head at.

Speaker 45 I have avoided it many times.

Speaker 118 Yes, but I have to be honest.

Speaker 118 I ate that nut loaf and I wished I had a nut allergy because it was, I mean, I'm sorry, but nut loaf, what are you trying to do? It's dry, right? No, it's horrible.

Speaker 118 There's lots, there's too much going on that's wrong.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 118 So I didn't do nut and then I would try and do my own things. Like, you know, I made mac and cheese for myself one year and it just didn't fit in with the formal meal.

Speaker 118 So they were a bit like mac and cheese. And then another year I tried Indian food, just took over the flavors so badly on the table.
But now I just eat extra potatoes.

Speaker 103 Extra potatoes.

Speaker 118 And also in 2020 I started eating chicken.

Speaker 107 Why?

Speaker 103 Why did you suddenly start eating chicken after a lifelong being a veggie?

Speaker 118 Well, in the beginning of 2020, before we knew what it was, I got very bad COVID.

Speaker 118 Very, very bad. And we didn't really know what COVID was yet.
I mean, people were just fighting for toilet paper in little, you know. They didn't really understand what was going on.

Speaker 115 Kodotais.

Speaker 118 Yeah. And I got it very badly.
And it was very, and I couldn't eat. And it was just bad.

Speaker 118 But then all my Indian aunts were like, you know, they were giving all those Indian things, like just have tamarind and hot water. That was not helping COVID at all.

Speaker 118 But then one of my friends, she's Jewish, she came over with chicken soup and she said, I know it's not for your religion, this, that.

Speaker 118 But at that point, everyone was getting very worried, including my doctor. She said, just drink this.
And, you know, I had a word with myself, and as a Hindu, it's very hard for me to eat meat.

Speaker 118 But I was like,

Speaker 118 you know, I mean, it kind of is better than dying.

Speaker 118 It kind of is. It's just probably, and I have kids, and I don't, it's too soon.
So I drank this chicken soup, and it worked. I wasn't throwing it up and stuff.
So then I drank chicken soup.

Speaker 118 And then after a few days, I thought, if you're drinking chicken soup, you can't say you're not eating chicken. And so I started eating chicken.

Speaker 31 So just going to summarise this half so far.

Speaker 31 Don't take your EpiPan, it'll cure your nut allergy. And chicken soup cures COVID.

Speaker 31 Cindy, we've got a gift for you, but

Speaker 31 I think you've had quite a lot of your gift already, I'll be honest.

Speaker 110 Oh, is this the gift?

Speaker 31 No, no, no, that's not the gift. There is a separate gift.

Speaker 80 That's part of the gift.

Speaker 79 Absolutely delicious.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 60 He's not lying to me.

Speaker 75 I'm not messing around.

Speaker 31 And that's just the standard corner.

Speaker 78 I've got to be very careful with this one, I'm being told.

Speaker 137 I have no memory once again of what this is.

Speaker 118 So excited.

Speaker 116 What am I doing?

Speaker 138 Because it's going to take a while to get there.

Speaker 138 Just a little chat we were all having backstage.

Speaker 46 At one point in his life,

Speaker 46 Munya was on Tinder for a year and he got so few matches that he emailed the software company to see if it was working.

Speaker 31 If only that was the end of the story.

Speaker 93 He then created a new profile to test if it was his profile that was glitching, a fake profile for himself, and gave himself the name Andre Milke.

Speaker 45 But do you not think that's weird, really? No, no, no, okay.

Speaker 123 Do you think

Speaker 43 Andre Milky?

Speaker 31 Andre, Andre, let's.

Speaker 43 It's White Russians.

Speaker 48 It's White Russians with a new

Speaker 4 dream drink on the podcast.

Speaker 85 Perfect for Andre.

Speaker 63 This is great.

Speaker 118 Thank you.

Speaker 118 Very milky.

Speaker 118 This is a beverage of love for me.

Speaker 86 Yeah, you love it.

Speaker 118 No, I don't. Yes, but I also drank it first time with this boyfriend I had, who I love deeply, who's now my husband.
So, yeah, whatever.

Speaker 118 But at the time, you know, we're still in boyfriend phase, so it was like,

Speaker 118 when, and it's great, and then they become your husband, and after a while, you're like, meh.

Speaker 118 But anyway, this still is my love drink, so thank you.

Speaker 59 To love, it's a love drink, so much.

Speaker 102 To love.

Speaker 31 Munya that that's almond milk start humming right

Speaker 64 so good bad luck oldest trick in the books sucker

Speaker 42 our final guest of the evening our final guest is coming out

Speaker 5 another fan favourite another fan fave a more recent fan favourite

Speaker 78 referring to himself as a fan favourite in public every time we've seen him he has referred to himself as a fan favourite to our faces but rightly so please welcome to the stage

Speaker 43 Tim K!

Speaker 48 Tim Key. Here we all are.

Speaker 127 The famous five.

Speaker 103 Famous five.

Speaker 62 Imagine us like trying to solve a mystery.

Speaker 43 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 38 We haven't got time.

Speaker 38 Now, I had a dog. Yeah.

Speaker 138 I'd like to imagine you with a dog.

Speaker 70 No. No, got stolen.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Well, I think Eaton.

Speaker 116 Someone in the village, Jane from Jane's Frames.

Speaker 135 Jane from Jane's Frames.

Speaker 31 You think Jane ate it?

Speaker 116 To be honest, honest, I don't think she did eat it, no.

Speaker 110 I never had a dog, but anyway.

Speaker 118 But also, I don't think English people eat dogs.

Speaker 48 I don't think you need a dog.

Speaker 118 No, I don't think they eat dogs. I mean, there are cultures where they eat dogs because they're like, it's an animal, but I don't think English people eat dogs.

Speaker 43 It's still an animal here, I think. Is it an animal?

Speaker 139 Dog?

Speaker 118 Yeah, but it's not an edible animal here.

Speaker 45 You seem like a very friendly dog.

Speaker 52 If you were like in an animated film.

Speaker 63 In like an animated film.

Speaker 31 You'll be in in a second.

Speaker 45 You could do that in an animated film.

Speaker 39 I just take that on face value. That's a very kind compliment.

Speaker 64 Thank you.

Speaker 39 Do you know what you'd be in an animated film?

Speaker 24 Gone.

Speaker 95 Careful.

Speaker 39 Lovely hippo?

Speaker 43 Yeah, I take that.

Speaker 112 Causing mayhem?

Speaker 111 That's nice.

Speaker 35 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 38 Is this the same film that has a friendly dog and a lovely hippo causing mayhem in it?

Speaker 116 Same universe, different film.

Speaker 113 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Tim, do you want to let us all know what we'd be in an animated film?

Speaker 45 James would be like an ostrich.

Speaker 66 I think he said Tim.

Speaker 44 Who gives a fuck what animal you think James would be?

Speaker 116 Actually, we'll get James out of the way. Rat.

Speaker 82 Weird, sorry. Weird.

Speaker 41 Mouse, thank you. Weird rat.

Speaker 118 I think, I think, can I just say, I know he's asked you, but I think James would be an ostrich.

Speaker 33 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 82 I had you down as the ostrich Sindhu.

Speaker 118 He had me down as an ostrich. Not the ostrich.

Speaker 127 James the rat.

Speaker 116 Munya, I forget what it was.

Speaker 64 Hippo.

Speaker 80 Lovely hippo. And so we come to a head.

Speaker 116 I genuinely think in this movie, it's not a criticism.

Speaker 88 You'd be a human. Yeah.

Speaker 66 Weird farmer.

Speaker 123 Soupkeeper.

Speaker 38 You're absolutely spot on. Alcoholic.

Speaker 77 If you were in Alvin the Chipmunks, you'd be Dave.

Speaker 31 I didn't realise that that was the most insulting thing you could have picked.

Speaker 31 In an animated film where everyone gets an animal, I'm a human.

Speaker 115 Yes, wearing your little boiler suit.

Speaker 108 Fucking old.

Speaker 38 So, not a main part.

Speaker 48 Who am I?

Speaker 94 Yeah, just

Speaker 71 deep, deep, deep background.

Speaker 31 So, I'm one of the guys working at the chicken factory in Chicken Run.

Speaker 116 Yeah, I don't think they've got one of the main animators to do you.

Speaker 37 Traine.

Speaker 43 Oh, don't whoop that, mate.

Speaker 37 Hey, you whoop away. It's Christmas.

Speaker 38 If you agree with it, whoop it. Hello, Tim.

Speaker 116 Hello, James. What's in the back?

Speaker 112 Pop-adoms.

Speaker 78 How many pop-a-doms do you got? Ten.

Speaker 134 Ten.

Speaker 116 Do you want to guess how much they cost?

Speaker 110 Oh, that's a good game.

Speaker 112 Good game. Well, just guess them.

Speaker 134 $4.99.

Speaker 43 What? What?

Speaker 30 $4.99 for $7.

Speaker 43 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 45 So

Speaker 116 in the curry house I go to, they go, I'll tell you what, I'll do nine of them for 50p a piece.

Speaker 107 And I'll tell you what, I'll throw in a tenth for 49.

Speaker 76 I thought you got them for Martin Spencer.

Speaker 44 Well, I think anything.

Speaker 114 Good point.

Speaker 49 250.

Speaker 118 Can I jump in and say something for this podcast? Because I love it dearly, and I think there's a genuine love of food and food curiosity.

Speaker 43 That's all you're going to say.

Speaker 118 And for this audience, may I just say one thing?

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 118 For the people listening to this, it's fine if you want to call them pop-a-dums.

Speaker 118 I don't mind, I think it's fine because that is the English word.

Speaker 118 So, no, not the alternative, the correct.

Speaker 118 So, for those of you who are like, oh, I like this food so much, I eat papadums all the time,

Speaker 118 just do yourself a favor and call them the real thing, you know. It's papad.

Speaker 54 P-A-P-A-D.

Speaker 118 It's just papad. And you can't say

Speaker 118 because that's a sound only South Asians can make, but just say papad.

Speaker 118 Because here's the thing.

Speaker 118 I see British people love

Speaker 118 papad. And then they say papadum, and I'm like, oh.
Because I feel bad for them.

Speaker 118 So just everyone on this podcast, just say papad. Or in your head, just think it, say, it's papadum, but I know it's papa.

Speaker 40 I'll be honest with you, Cindy.

Speaker 31 You said this when you came on the podcast, and it was too late to change the catchphrase.

Speaker 31 And then we went to America, and no one understood what the fuck we were saying anyway.

Speaker 118 But that's America, they don't understand. Fuck all.

Speaker 114 Fuck them.

Speaker 38 Fuck them. They don't understand.

Speaker 118 They don't even understand who to get for president. They got that lunatic.
Fuck them.

Speaker 43 I like Joe Biden.

Speaker 118 It's popper.

Speaker 45 Wait, so we added on the dom.

Speaker 118 No, first of all, you put an O in it, pop. Pop.
Popper Dom. It's like what?

Speaker 118 It's like if I call bread boda boda.

Speaker 128 Bread is not boda boda.

Speaker 86 It's bread.

Speaker 97 What's the alt thread?

Speaker 76 How about this?

Speaker 43 I... How about this?

Speaker 116 How about this, James? There's no downside to it.

Speaker 44 How about you just fucking do it?

Speaker 38 Where's the downside?

Speaker 110 Poppard or bread. Yeah, poppard.

Speaker 59 Perfect.

Speaker 103 But what if I said poppad or buddha buddha?

Speaker 43 Yeah, fine.

Speaker 118 But you know what? I just want to make it very clear. I'm saying this from a place of true

Speaker 118 sort of love for people who love food. You know what I mean? Like my kids make fun of me.
They say, oh,

Speaker 118 when you speak to your Italian Italian friend, instead of calling him Lorenzo, you're like Lorenzo. They make fun of me.
And I'm not asking you to be that weird guy.

Speaker 118 I'm just saying, for us who know, just say papad.

Speaker 116 No, there's no downside.

Speaker 48 I'll tell you what.

Speaker 43 Or start calling Brad whatever.

Speaker 2 Okay, but

Speaker 31 I would feel like a total dick in an Indian restaurant if I looked to the menu that says Papadom and look at the waiter and go, Three papad, please.

Speaker 118 No, because you know what the Indian guy is going to be thinking? Hella fucking Luya.

Speaker 118 Finally, somebody.

Speaker 27 Well, I I promise you, Cindy, this is a promise now.

Speaker 138 We've recorded quite a few episodes for the next series.

Speaker 103 But the next episode we record, I will say pot or bread to them.

Speaker 43 I'll shout that.

Speaker 77 And we will see how it goes.

Speaker 43 Say how it goes.

Speaker 58 I promise you, I will do it the next episode.

Speaker 36 And we'll see how it goes.

Speaker 118 Because saying a word the way that it's supposed to be said and it's not your language is not always something that's done with an intention outside of love for that that thing, you know?

Speaker 118 And I think we know you love Papar.

Speaker 134 Yes.

Speaker 118 So say it, Papur, and that's fine. And anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Anyway, that's what I brought along.

Speaker 45 Can I just jump in on behalf of Zimbabwe?

Speaker 45 You know, when you say still or sparkling?

Speaker 122 No.

Speaker 77 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 45 Just call it what it is, yeah? Still.

Speaker 45 And then as Zimbabwe would say, maniac water.

Speaker 77 Maniac water.

Speaker 38 Maniac water. I'll do that.

Speaker 76 You have my word, munja.

Speaker 38 The next episode we record.

Speaker 31 This is genuinely like a Christmas tree. Do you want to have in your culture?

Speaker 116 Because yeah, I would like to add something from my culture, James.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 116 When you say starter, we tend to say aux d'oeuvre.

Speaker 35 Au fucking d'oeuvre.

Speaker 116 There's no downside. Just get it fucking right.

Speaker 31 Welcome to the show, Tim.

Speaker 116 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 31 For a minute there, it felt like you genuinely turned up to a Christmas party late and you just stood in the corner with your first drink while people had an argument

Speaker 69 for two and a half hours.

Speaker 44 Do you like Christmas, Tim?

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Do you like it?

Speaker 80 What's your problem with Christmas? Huh?

Speaker 44 What's your problem with Christmas?

Speaker 123 My problem, no problem.

Speaker 110 We unveil the poppadoms.

Speaker 24 What? A veil?

Speaker 123 Unveil them. Unveil.

Speaker 121 Yes.

Speaker 118 But, Ed, do you like Christmas?

Speaker 43 I love Christmas. Yeah.

Speaker 64 I never got asked that.

Speaker 118 I'm about to get to you. Relax.

Speaker 38 Did you like Christmas?

Speaker 31 I'll be honest, there wasn't much of a fucking gap in your bit.

Speaker 118 Do you like Christmas?

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 118 Yeah, do you like Christmas?

Speaker 103 It's okay.

Speaker 118 It's okay. Good.
But we all are on the okay side of Christmas.

Speaker 113 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit.

Speaker 88 Yeah, I like Christmas.

Speaker 64 Tim,

Speaker 31 what bag did you bring your pop-adoms in there?

Speaker 38 Good paper bag.

Speaker 118 That says Jojo Maman Bepe.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 31 So, just in case anyone doesn't know what that shop is, it's maternity, baby, and child, nursery, and toys.

Speaker 31 They sell pop-adoms?

Speaker 38 What's the story?

Speaker 138 What's the story behind that bag, Tim? What you got that bag for, mate?

Speaker 45 Toys are very dirty on the bottom.

Speaker 123 Yeah,

Speaker 138 very dirty on the bottom.

Speaker 110 Like a baby.

Speaker 116 So it's basically a case of where to get the bag and explain the dirt.

Speaker 116 Rather than constructing my menu this time.

Speaker 39 Oh, yeah, no menu.

Speaker 52 No menu.

Speaker 59 No menu this time.

Speaker 74 Oh, I bought a

Speaker 116 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,

Speaker 31 you know, baby, what is it called?

Speaker 116 Baby, baby grown.

Speaker 74 A baby grown.

Speaker 116 Yeah, for my goddaughter, Esther.

Speaker 118 Lovely.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 86 That's quite sweet.

Speaker 118 How did a bag get so dirty?

Speaker 80 And then I, oh, yeah, I wiped my ass and scraped it on the bottom.

Speaker 31 That's my humour.

Speaker 66 That's perfect stuff for me.

Speaker 86 Perfect.

Speaker 29 Now, Tim, you brought the puppad

Speaker 31 because, okay?

Speaker 85 Fantastic.

Speaker 31 Because it was a big chat. The craze that was spreading the nation.
Yeah. Shall I be mother?

Speaker 48 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 77 Big fans of Shall I Be Mother?

Speaker 31 Look, Look, you said it was a fan favourite and it truly is a fan favourite.

Speaker 107 Do I explain Shall I Be Mother to the people who haven't heard the other?

Speaker 116 Well weirdly, no, I don't because when you made up a Shall I Be Mother it had nothing to do with me

Speaker 116 You pinned it onto me James

Speaker 116 You two hatched a plan to make me be a person who says Shall I be mother and karate chops pop a doms but

Speaker 39 In actual real life, I don't do that.

Speaker 46 I think it sounds like exactly the kind of thing you would do.

Speaker 79 Oh, I wouldn't do it.

Speaker 35 I think it's a bit of a fit.

Speaker 59 Well, it fits in.

Speaker 44 I'm not saying it doesn't fit in, but I don't do it.

Speaker 116 That's like someone being, you know, arrested for murder and then they go, did you do this one?

Speaker 64 Actually, they might have done, but, you know, you've got to do the research.

Speaker 10 Research? Research.

Speaker 74 Detective work.

Speaker 139 But then.

Speaker 31 You've listened back to it. You are the one who.

Speaker 39 You've listened back to it.

Speaker 74 Yeah. Wowie.

Speaker 86 Yours?

Speaker 59 Bit sad.

Speaker 31 Yours I listen back to, Tim?

Speaker 39 You listen back. Fun favourite.
Do you have listening parties?

Speaker 80 I think you'll start to believe you're in hype.

Speaker 31 You are the one who brings up shallow be mother as a phrase, then. No, no, no, no.
No, I'm pointing at James there.

Speaker 74 Ah, right.

Speaker 77 Look at people when they're talking to you, Ter.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 106 I bring it up and I genuinely in the moment believed that Tim would have said it.

Speaker 70 Yes.

Speaker 116 That's not in dispute.

Speaker 60 So I think it was fine to say you said it.

Speaker 107 I think it was fine to say that I once saw you karate chopper poppet off and say, shall I be mother?

Speaker 76 Poppet.

Speaker 80 Here's the question Time.

Speaker 48 Since the podcast.

Speaker 116 Do you want me to help, Cindy?

Speaker 38 Pass it here. Pass it here.

Speaker 115 I can sort this. I see what you did to that back.

Speaker 43 No, I'm not going to do that.

Speaker 38 Pass it here, pass it.

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 31 You take a poppet off an Indian woman and say, shall I help?

Speaker 128 I will do it.

Speaker 66 That's called colonisation.

Speaker 38 No, I'm not colonis.

Speaker 31 No, dear, you come here, I can sort of.

Speaker 116 I promise I'm not colonising you. What I'm doing is, I'm just saying, shall I be mother?

Speaker 127 Shall I be mother?

Speaker 98 You know,

Speaker 43 just so everyone knows,

Speaker 118 just so everyone knows, in 1757, when the British showed up, they said, we're not colonizing you, and then they did that.

Speaker 118 That's what happened.

Speaker 116 57. I looked down as 50.
Is it 57?

Speaker 118 1757 Battle of Plasma.

Speaker 118 That's when it started.

Speaker 35 I believe they screamed. Shall I be mother?

Speaker 118 Yeah, and they said, shall I be mother?

Speaker 80 Wow.

Speaker 44 Three minutes to six.

Speaker 31 There was a lot of chat about your favourite Indian restaurant.

Speaker 116 Favourite Indian restaurant, yeah.

Speaker 93 And you would not reveal the name on the podcast.

Speaker 31 If you announce it here tonight,

Speaker 31 we will bleep it on the actual podcast perfect but these people will hear it will you reveal yeah

Speaker 31 you're definitely gonna bleep it we'll bleep it on

Speaker 31 the first but so these guys can go yeah it's a mere 2500 people they're not all gonna go okay so we're gonna get the name out there

Speaker 116 I like going to this place

Speaker 110 yeah

Speaker 116 it's really busy

Speaker 116 You can't just invite 18,000 people.

Speaker 80 Come in. Have you been to this place?

Speaker 57 You've not told me the name of it.

Speaker 49 You refuse to tell us the name of it.

Speaker 39 Okay, and you're going to bleep it.

Speaker 43 We'll bleep it. We'll bleep it.

Speaker 116 What is this? It's an Indian restaurant, and it's the best Indian restaurant in London. And sometimes they have a sitar player.
It's fantastic.

Speaker 48 Oh, okay. Oh, no.

Speaker 52 Hold on,

Speaker 31 Sindley's not going, so it's $17,999 now.

Speaker 59 It's fantastic.

Speaker 116 The guy who runs it is phenomenal and

Speaker 116 he always gets us in there.

Speaker 31 If you are going to go, go.

Speaker 128 But go

Speaker 116 gently.

Speaker 31 You can't say a restaurant's fantastic because the owner always gets you in there.

Speaker 31 That's the basics of a restaurant, I think.

Speaker 3 Do you want to know it or not?

Speaker 43 Yes.

Speaker 116 Masala zone.

Speaker 31 Fuck off, Tim. Don't do this to me.
I do need to know.

Speaker 45 I know what it is.

Speaker 116 Yeah, nice and...

Speaker 73 oh yeah, just whisper to each other now.

Speaker 116 He knows.

Speaker 45 I just told him to nod.

Speaker 112 Well, I did nod.

Speaker 86 I did my acting.

Speaker 60 Been in any fun lifts lately, Tim?

Speaker 68 Uh, yeah.

Speaker 138 When Tim came on the podcast, he went on a lift that, what was it called?

Speaker 118 Paternoster lift.

Speaker 88 Oh, yes. Yeah, here we go.

Speaker 64 In Sheffield.

Speaker 66 Yes, yes, in Sheffield. In Sheffield!

Speaker 66 Fucking finally!

Speaker 116 Telling Telling these guys, these twats don't have a fucking clue.

Speaker 59 I've seen it.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Ever seen anyone pull a neck oil out of a Jojo Mama Beber bag?

Speaker 58 Have you been on it?

Speaker 45 100%. And it's so dangerous.
100%.

Speaker 62 I love 100%.

Speaker 45 So dangerous.

Speaker 45 Because there's no mechanism, there's no emergency stop. So if you happen to have very long legs

Speaker 45 and one leg goes on and keeps going up, it can be broken between the wall and the lift.

Speaker 38 It can and it will.

Speaker 33 yeah oh you can

Speaker 118 ask them to explain it to you sorry sorry is this an elevator yeah

Speaker 118 why are your legs going up and down that's only half the story no no but why are your legs going up because you might you might go oh there's a lift and you put one leg you

Speaker 31 wait wait wait you might say there's a lift and put one leg what are you doing you have to step into it just in case anyone wants the definition of optimism bonito just appeared at the door and said there's five minutes left okay no so is this a lift in a building?

Speaker 38 Yes. Always in a building.

Speaker 118 Okay, so this is a lift?

Speaker 24 Okay. Fair enough.

Speaker 118 Fair enough. So

Speaker 118 this is a lift in a building in Sheffield.

Speaker 118 And somehow to organize yourself to get inside, you need to use your leg.

Speaker 66 Well, you would.

Speaker 116 I think the phrase that Amunia didn't use was step into the lift.

Speaker 118 Oh, so you need to step into the lift.

Speaker 45 Most journeys start with a single step.

Speaker 118 Dude, I get that. But why do your long legs matter?

Speaker 118 Why do your long legs matter?

Speaker 31 This is a lift that is two

Speaker 31 sort of cubicles, elevators,

Speaker 31 constantly rotating on a belt system.

Speaker 68 Oh, thank you, Eddie.

Speaker 31 It goes round and round and round, and you need to step in at the right point when it goes past your floor and get off at the right point.

Speaker 45 And the reason it's more easy to tall people is, as a short person, if my leg goes in first, generally there's not enough of it, so my whole body goes in with it.

Speaker 45 As a tall person, fragments of your leg can go in first.

Speaker 118 Fragments of my fucking legs.

Speaker 88 I have extremely long legs. I'm

Speaker 118 and I have never put fragments of my leg into anything.

Speaker 129 But anyway, it wasn't funny.

Speaker 31 You know, Cindy's body follows her legs, right?

Speaker 48 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 68 Yeah, but yeah, your whole leg went ahead of me.

Speaker 31 Yeah, because I was doing an impression of the exact thing you're talking about.

Speaker 45 Anyway, I've been in it and survived, so you can't tell me, you know, how to survive it.

Speaker 139 You survived a lot.

Speaker 118 Dude, you survived nuts with a nut allergy. You're amazing.

Speaker 116 And may I ask you a question, Monique?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 39 In your

Speaker 116 Patanosta career, why were you there by the way? Did you study in Sheffield?

Speaker 45 I studied psychology.

Speaker 43 Right, yeah. What?

Speaker 40 Psychology.

Speaker 70 Psychology.

Speaker 46 Psychology. You would have made you in yourself.

Speaker 31 You're like a Batman villain who took on too much of his patience stuff.

Speaker 116 I think you're a really nice chat show host.

Speaker 86 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 116 Were you in the arts tower then?

Speaker 88 All the time. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 45 That was my thrills. My thrills.
So, I mean, when you're a student and you're broke, you talk about struggle meals. There were days I was going back.

Speaker 45 You know, I remember I told you I ate porridge with Vimpto. That's how I was.

Speaker 31 Yeah, sorry. Thanks for leaning around.
Tim's fully turned his back to me, even though I'm one of the hosts of this.

Speaker 45 Anyway, I've been in that lift because it's an easy thrill.

Speaker 74 Yeah, lovely thrill.

Speaker 59 It's an easy thrill.

Speaker 118 It's an easy thrill if your legs don't follow your body and fragments of them have to follow away. And if you're short, you go head first, yes.

Speaker 116 It's an easy thrill if you can get all of the fragments on.

Speaker 118 Exactly.

Speaker 46 It's an easy thrill if you're a slinky.

Speaker 116 I don't know what would happen if you put a slinky on a patanosta.

Speaker 43 It's

Speaker 66 a slinky.

Speaker 31 This is the Christmas dinner party off menu. And it really now feels like the end of an actual Christmas dinner party.

Speaker 31 Except for the fact that two and a half thousand people sat in front of us and we are all going.

Speaker 72 But

Speaker 80 I guess my problem with that,

Speaker 116 Ed, is

Speaker 116 I don't think I would usually use the term Christmas dinner party.

Speaker 80 Would you not?

Speaker 45 No, it's Christmas Day, and you have Christmas dinner.

Speaker 116 You don't say let's have a Christmas dinner party.

Speaker 75 Yeah, fair enough.

Speaker 31 But we're not going to say this is Christmas Day, are we?

Speaker 48 What?

Speaker 39 Now, Munio.

Speaker 49 Fucking hell.

Speaker 116 You're joking.

Speaker 116 In your career on the Padanosta lift,

Speaker 116 did you ever go over the top and come back down?

Speaker 45 You know what? I never had the courage.

Speaker 123 No, no, no. Because

Speaker 45 what holds you when you're going over the hump?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 31 Fucking gravity, Munya. Same as when you're...

Speaker 29 Walking over a fucking hill

Speaker 41 when you're in a plane.

Speaker 31 What do you mean what holds you?

Speaker 45 You know what I'm saying, though? Yeah, it's...

Speaker 66 But it's not Willy Wonka, mate.

Speaker 48 This host.

Speaker 45 Paternoscalus.

Speaker 79 What holds you when you're going over the top, Tim?

Speaker 137 Do you know?

Speaker 116 I think there might be a grain of truth in gravity.

Speaker 116 Did you do it?

Speaker 66 Just the twice.

Speaker 66 How'd it feel?

Speaker 57 Dicey.

Speaker 31 Tim, we got your present, but

Speaker 31 I don't know how it's going to feel.

Speaker 31 Now, Tim, I'll be honest. I feel slightly heartbroken by this present.
We were so excited. You ready?

Speaker 43 Yep. Yep, there you go.

Speaker 86 Shall I be mother? Please.

Speaker 76 We didn't know you were going to bring your own.

Speaker 44 Damn, mate. Here we go.
You might want to shield your eyes in the front if you're not wearing glasses.

Speaker 112 To signify the first ever paparro bread.

Speaker 43 Yes. Here we go.

Speaker 112 Oh, lovely.

Speaker 116 Do you want to say it?

Speaker 64 Paparo bread!

Speaker 53 Paparo bread, Jim Kate.

Speaker 38 Paparo bread. Shall I be mother?

Speaker 43 Yes, please.

Speaker 43 Oh my. Fucking hell.

Speaker 31 Disintegrated it. Look at that.

Speaker 53 Honestly, are you the incredible Hulk?

Speaker 42 That is fucking insane.

Speaker 4 Turn it to dust.

Speaker 31 Thank God we rented these four carpets

Speaker 31 because the poor hay Dougie sack would be ruined.

Speaker 58 How have you done that?

Speaker 43 That is incredible.

Speaker 82 Absolutely.

Speaker 43 You saw hell.

Speaker 48 Fucking hell, man. How have I done that?

Speaker 67 One step away from being a smoothie.

Speaker 86 Well,

Speaker 70 what I did was

Speaker 116 I did it at home, made them into crumbs, and then

Speaker 45 so they were ready to go.

Speaker 112 No, you didn't.

Speaker 118 No, you know what it is? Indian moms, Indian dogs, and Tim. They don't fuck around.

Speaker 112 That's that.

Speaker 118 That's what it is. Absolutely.

Speaker 43 Wow.

Speaker 107 Well, that feels like an appropriate place to end the dinner party.

Speaker 31 Thank you so much for coming to this, the longest dinner party.

Speaker 86 You've been an absolutely incredible audience.

Speaker 31 Thank you so much. Let's have it again for Timkey.

Speaker 53 Magnyachiwawa.

Speaker 33 Zinduvi.

Speaker 120 And Ed Gamble.

Speaker 33 James A. Castle.

Speaker 33 You get a white Russian.

Speaker 31 Who would like that? There we go. We'll need that glass back.

Speaker 31 The great Benita Princeton from home.

Speaker 48 Thank you very much.

Speaker 31 Have an amazing Christmas. Thank you so much, Nadia.

Speaker 1 Well, there we are. The off-menu Christmas dinner party live recorded at the South Bank Centre.

Speaker 26 Thanks for listening. Thanks for coming.
Best of the Year is on its way.

Speaker 1 Best of the Year episodes coming very soon.

Speaker 1 Have some nice food at Christmas.

Speaker 25 Yes, we're recording this outro live right now. So Ed and I are in our different families' Christmas homes.

Speaker 88 Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's awful. It's ruining the Christmas dinner.

Speaker 26 People are very angry with me.

Speaker 24 Yeah, they hate it.

Speaker 26 Bye. Goodbye, Chris.

Speaker 11 Hey, I'm Paige DeSorbo, and I'm always thinking about underwear.

Speaker 13 I'm Hannah Berner, and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage. I like to call them my granny panties.

Speaker 12 Actually, I never think about underwear.

Speaker 15 That's the magic of Tommy John.

Speaker 14 Same, they're so light and so comfy, and if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

Speaker 17 And the bras, soft, supportive, and actually breathable.

Speaker 16 Yes, Lord knows the girls need to breathe. Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night.

Speaker 14 That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

Speaker 18 Plus, they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

Speaker 22 Put yourself on to Tommy John.

Speaker 23 Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John.

Speaker 11 Save 25% for a limited time at TommyJohn.com/slash comfort.

Speaker 18 See site for details.

Speaker 133 When disaster takes control of your life, ServePro helps you take it back. ServePro shows up faster to any size disaster to make things right.
Starting with a single call, that's all.

Speaker 133 Because the number one name in cleanup and restoration has the scale and the expertise to get you back up to speed quicker than you ever thought possible so whenever never thought this would happen actually happens surf pro's got you call 1-800 surfro or visit surfpro.com today to help make it like it never even happened

Speaker 99 if you thought goldenly breaded mcdonald's chicken couldn't get more golden think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here Made for your chicken favourites.

Speaker 65 I participate in McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 28 Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here. Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.
Single ladies is coming to London. Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

Speaker 28 It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7pm at King's Place.

Speaker 16 So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

Speaker 28 We've done all the organising for you.

Speaker 30 Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

Speaker 28 And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk. Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity-click-click.

Speaker 9 London, we're coming.