The Christmas Dinner Party (Live at Southbank Centre’s Royal Festival Hall)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

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Happy Christmas, everybody.

It's the Off-Menu podcast.

It's Christmas Day.

It's Christmas Day when we're releasing this, but you're very welcome to listen to it whenever you like.

But you may be listening to this on Christmas Day 2022.

We hope you're having a day.

Yes, it doesn't matter what the day is, but now the day just got better because we're here.

We're here.

This is just a quick intro because we are today presenting the Great Bonito Presents.

The Great Benito Presents.

The Off-Menu Christmas Dinner Party recorded recorded live at the South Bank Center not five days ago.

Very excited to share this with you.

It was an amazing evening.

And also, we were very excited that night because the audience did not know who was going to come on stage, what was going to happen as far as they were concerned.

I think a lot of them thought it was going to be a traditional episode.

Yes.

We have one guest on and ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

But instead, it was a dinner party format where for each course we bring out a different guest from the past and we talk to them about Christmas.

No, it wasn't for each course, James.

Well, that's the way I saw it in my head.

Okay, well look it's a fun old thing.

We hope you enjoy it.

It was absolute chaos.

I don't know how the great Benito has edited it.

So please enjoy the off-menu Christmas dinner party live at the South Bank Centre.

Ho ho ho!

Hello, people at the Southbank Centre.

It is Claudia here, you know, the old orange one who doesn't really like water.

This is the off-menu Christmas Spectacular Live.

Please welcome your hosts, Ed Gamble and James A.

Castor.

Yes,

welcome, welcome, welcome to the Off-Menu Christmas Dinner Party.

thank you very much James didn't tell me we were dressing up

and I said why have you done that and he's went ah I'm the weird one so

bang in character already thank you Ed hello everybody

Ed why don't you tell them what the podcast is Oh no that's your job I need to do an intro that I genuinely only thought of when I walked onto the stage so welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Taking the mince meat of conversation, putting it into the pie crust of the internet, and spooning over the brandy butter of friendship.

Perfect, that's one of his best!

That is a good one.

That is their gamble.

My name is James Zacaster.

We own a dream restaurant and every week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite dessert

shit.

What the fuck?

I know they cause dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

No, definitely not in that order.

I know you like desserts, but Jesus Christ, man.

Are you put off that there were people still coming in?

Yes.

Yes.

It's very rude to be late to a dinner party.

That's what this is, by the way.

This is a dinner party.

Usually we'd have one guest on and we ask them their dream menu.

And that, yay, that's fun and we like it.

But during the lockdowns, we did some streaming gigs where we'd do a dinner party and get a bunch of old guests back to discuss their old choices, catch up with them, see how they're doing.

And that's what we thought we'd do tonight.

A bunch of surprise guests, fan favourites, if you will.

Are you excited about that?

I cannot, I cannot wait for you to see who we've got.

It's genuinely exciting.

You're gonna lose your fucking minds.

We

haven't got Claudia.

No.

That did sound like Claudia was backstage and I only realised that when the announcement was playing out.

She's not there.

We wanted to cram as many friendly faces from the past in as we could so we got Claudia to do that and then yeah, didn't think that we were maybe teasing you a little bit

Plus James is a traitor, so she won't come on.

I'm not a hundred percent

That is not true, I'm a hundred percent come all you faithful

Christmas

You're a traitor.

You're a traitor.

You're a traitor.

You can't look me in the eyes

You don't want to look you in the fucking eyes.

You've got weird glasses on do you know what I get the sense that person could be a traitor but then they then lied about being a magician

well if you haven't seen the traitors this has been a complete waste of time I'll be honest

I'm obsessed

I now just think who's the traitor that's my whole life now it's figuring out who the traitors are

We've sort of penciled in this bit of the show for James to write his new stand-up show on stage.

100%.

Oh, sense, man.

100 oh think about the trips 100

why am i faithful because i know i'm faithful

my favorite that is my favorite defense they do it all the time i don't know judging by the reaction i'd say 75 of the people don't know what the fuck you're on about at the moment

ed welcome to my tour shows

Because I know I'm faithful, that's why.

Shall we bring on our first guest, James?

Yeah.

Yeah, please.

Listen, we're excited about everyone tonight, but we apologise for this first one.

Genuinely.

Condoms?

Rubber up!

Rubber up for this first guest!

This guy is teeming with disease.

You gotta rub her up.

Don't sweeps.

I threw sweeps into the audience.

I'd forgotten that I asked Benito to give me those months ago for the gift.

I said, Christmas gig.

I wanted to throw sweets into the crowd.

And just before I came on, he went, your sweets are on stage.

I was like, what?

What are you on about?

You're high as a kite, Benito.

And we'd forgotten that we asked to book this first guest.

Shall we welcome him to the stage?

Yes.

Please welcome him.

This person is actually the only person who's ever only done fair enough.

What?

Was I meant to say it with you?

No, no, no, don't worry, man.

You just talk about the traitors for another 10 minutes.

I love it.

What's what I love about it is that

they always go, I'd be fine if anyone accused me.

I don't know why I was being so emotional.

And someone goes, I think it's you.

And they go, No!

Better get a wriggle on because the traitor starts in one hour, 20 minutes.

Please, welcome to the on-menu Christmas dinner party,

Mish Kumar!

Yes!

Here he is!

Uh-oh, what's this?

Ba-bam!

Off-menu merch!

God, you guys lost it for Nish.

Imagine what you're gonna do when the good guests come on.

Oh, you know what?

You honkies can shove it.

All right.

Oh, here we go, all the.

How long did that take for a deck called honkies?

Just to let you know, Nish, at the sound check, when you weren't here, we were like, oh, Nish is coming on stage.

Then we mimed the first bit of the conversation with you, and I went, Nish, we are not racist, and you've done it quicker than I did in the joke.

I've got a brand.

I've got my off-menu t-shirt on, and I've got my off-menu underpants on.

One of you on each ball, Benito on the disk.

Fair enough, that's where I'd put him.

I can't believe you two have a menswear collab.

Yeah?

It's

I don't think this is hyperbolic evidence of the decline of the West.

Hey, come on, we have the maid in the East.

That is that's good gear.

You can't have a go at us for that.

Come on.

I can't believe you call this honkiesman.

In this show, I don't know if anyone's got to see Richard's solo stand-up.

I've been brought here.

I wondered why they'd booked me.

And now I find out it's to air some grievances here.

So, come on, let's have it, colonizers.

Welcome to the off-menu.

You drew first blood, man.

Welcome to the off-menu bone-picking dinner party.

In Nish's show,

his stand-up show, he slags off our podcast, and he says it's Crackers Talking to Other Crackers About Crackers.

It's a good bit.

I said it was...

Welcome to the Christmas show.

It's Crackers Talking to Other Crackers About Crackers and Crackers.

Oh,

great.

Man, I've got to get off the bench.

This guy's on fire.

I said it was irrefutable proof of white male privilege.

Yes.

It's after a long section.

It's very difficult to contextualise.

It's after a very long section section where I talk about me receiving death threats.

Mitch, I'll sum it up for you.

I've got a therapist.

Hold on.

It's my show.

Oh, your show is...

I've got a therapist because Bean stole my missus.

That's a good show.

That's a good show.

It is a good show.

More people can relate to that.

That's a relatable show, man.

It's one of the least, I like it a lot, but it's one of the least relatable shows in human history.

Some of us are up here doing God's work and burying their mental health problems.

Thank you very much.

All I say is there's a very long section that culminates in me imagining Ed in a documentary about my assassination crying.

And then I say something about pop-adops or bread.

And then when the audience, as they always did, cheered, I took them to task, said that the podcast was evidence of white male privilege, and that I said that you two were so white, Ed looks like a Disney prince before the corporation remembered about racism, and James is so white, it looks like someone threw a corduroy vest over a ghost.

And let me tell you, when I saw that show, I thought, fuck, I escaped that very well.

Yeah, you my girlfriend actually said, oh, Ed comes out of that very nicely.

Oh, you've said he's handsome like a cartoon prince, James.

When I saw it, he did an extra five minutes on me.

Said I was so white people could see me from space.

And you did that because you wanted to deflect from the fact you just ripped your trousers on stage.

Yes, I did just rip my trousers on.

Okay, I went into a controlled lunge.

That was the name of the show, wasn't it?

The gusset of my trousers was compromised.

And then James, what did you think when that happened?

I thought you, well, here's what happened.

Nish is on stage, and he does a bit where he goes down, and then he stops here, and he goes, ah,

now something has happened.

And I thought, well, he's finally shat himself onto it.

So if you know, Nish, that you would think that what will one day happen, and that is what I assumed had happened.

You are rolling the dice every time you walk on stage.

I'm not rolling the dice, okay?

Am I frequent in my movements?

Yes.

Do you never know when those movements are going to come?

No.

Is it because I have upwards of 15 coffees a day?

Probably.

Now, Nish, you are the only ever off-menu guest who has only done a Christmas menu.

Are you aware of this?

History Maker.

You've never actually given your dream menu.

Not that we're going to ask you.

And I never will.

Well, it's lucky we're not going to ask you today.

But you were very Christmassy.

You have to do the full Christmas menu.

I have the full Christmas menu.

Now the Christmas guests do their normal menu and we have a separate section for the Christmas bit.

But you did your full Christmas menu.

I did like the third or fourth episode of this shit, right?

I mean, yes.

Sorry.

I suppose so, technically, Nick.

I did the third or fourth episode of this

Estimable broadcast.

And so I guess you were still finding the format.

Yeah, we're still finding the format.

I know at midpoint you could have struck between this shit and Estimable Broadcast.

Podcast.

His podcast.

That's about what a podcast is.

Do you like the set, by the way?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's for Hey Dougie Live.

It really is.

We came in for the tech rehearsal.

That screen is covering a big thing that says, hey, Dougie.

Hey, Dougie.

Luckily, it does look like the inside of James A.

Caster's brain.

Yeah, really landed on our feet with this one.

Nish, do you remember when you came on the podcast originally,

what you chose for your dessert?

Does anyone else remember what Nish Kumar chose for his dessert?

Yes, I remember this because it still gets...

People are still discovering the show, which is, no offence, unfathomable to me.

We're like the Sopranos, man.

Still holds up.

You go back to episode one, still holds up, man.

It was a peach cobbler from Jackson and Rye.

Yeah, so let's do a a quick catch up on what's happened there, Nish.

So there was a bit of a campaign we were getting going, wasn't there?

Bring Back Kumar's Cobbler.

Yeah, when Nish came on the podcast originally,

Jackson and Rai stopped doing the Peach Cobbler.

He was very sad about it, wanted it bought back, launched a campaign, hashtag Bring Back Kumar's Cobbler, so he could get his Peach Cobbler back.

And then, as a result of that, what happened, Nish?

Jackson and Rai closed.

Whole business destroyed.

Because they didn't bring back the cobbler!

They didn't bring back the cobbler.

They ended up getting shut down.

And you have shown no...

yet to show any remorse I have said.

I'm sorry, okay?

If I give a business a hint and it doesn't take the hint, that's on me now?

What other businesses have you given hints?

Run us through the business hint list.

I said that Microsoft should bring back the paperclip.

They still haven't.

Sayonara Gates, I imagine it'll be in a couple of days.

I told Elon Musk to buy Twitter.

I didn't shut down Jackson Wright.

It shut down.

As an immediate result of what you said.

Coincidentally.

The cobbler was good.

It was good cobbler.

Have you found anywhere else that does as good a peach cobbler, or do you have a new favourite pie?

I have a new favourite pie.

And I don't know why we're all going through this rigmarole that you don't know what it is.

Because

our only friends are each other

Is this what you're hoping for from the show the question do you have a new favorite pie?

Well if you listen to the podcast I imagine yeah

Welcome to welcome to the show if anyone did like the question do you have a new favorite pie?

Why are you here?

It's got to be a lot of fun.

That's exactly what we're all here for.

In fact, when I said do you have a new favorite pie?

I heard many of you an audible intake of breath.

You couldn't wait to someone someone shout that again.

What was it?

Willie's Pies.

I'm a huge fan of Willie's Pies, but

I don't think.

Are you from Willie's Pies?

You like Willie's Pies?

Well, not what I asked.

That's good that you like.

And what are Willie's Pies?

I don't know what Willie's Pies.

I don't know what Willie's Pies.

What?

Yeah, you have, James.

You've had Willie's Pies.

They sent you two pies for free, mate.

Quite the pies, I guess.

This guy absolutely wanders through life with headphones on, is how I describe you, James.

Just opening your mouth every so often when someone taps you on the shoulder and throws a fucking free pie into it.

Do you not want to check who's pie?

What is a Willie's pie?

It's a company called Willie's Pies.

They make really good pies.

Are they sweet or savoury?

You had two pies!

You had two savoury pies!

I can't pretend to remember it now, am I?

I can't remember if I if it was the free savoury pie I got or the free sweet one.

The free sweet one was from Chinchin, which was a cherry pie, and that was also very nice.

Oh, that was great.

That free cherry pie was delicious.

Has this plug gone the way you were anticipating?

Did you send me a Willie's pie?

Are you the eponymous William?

You're Willie?

Is it a perfect chocolate Christmas?

Thanks for coming, Willie.

Thanks for coming, Willie.

Sorry about James.

Listen, I don't remember having any of these pies.

So I think Willie is a traitor.

Because I know I'm 100% mad.

So you've got to be a traitor.

Because I know.

I'm faithful.

If I had a pie, I'd remember it.

I haven't.

Get him out of here.

I still haven't seen this program.

So I'm as in the dark as the visible 50% of you.

What's your new favourite pie?

It's the banana cream pie from Idle Hands in Manchester.

It's a superb pie.

Oh my god, it's a good...

You've had it.

I've had it.

Talk us through what you like about it so much because people like this stuff.

People like to hear

a very detailed description of the banana cream pie.

The crust

is thin but sturdy.

So.

Were you expecting other people to whoop that bit?

Thin but sturdy?

Were you whooping for thin or sturdy?

Thin and sturdy is a pretty good description of you, actually.

Yeah.

Oh.

It's an Acaster base.

Yeah, it's an A-Caster base.

It's an absolute A-caster base.

And let me tell you, if it's put under any pressure, it collapses.

crumbles immediately.

And it's best when covered in banana cream.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I like it when you go blue.

Thank you.

I wasn't being blue, but fair enough.

I just genuinely love banana cream.

I wouldn't have been covered in it.

I wasn't a sex thing.

Yeah, but there's so many people here that for someone, that is their fetish.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, I probably said that.

And there's at least one weirdo.

who went, shall we?

Willie, put your bono away.

Put it back in the pie, where it belongs.

Willie sat there.

He came here tonight and he was like, I'll just, I'll do some guerrilla marketing.

I'll just shout out Willie's pies as soon as possible.

And there'll be a chat about it that we can definitely clip out and use as part of our next promotional push.

Nope.

Nope.

I didn't remember eating the pie and now I think you're a sex pervert.

I guess that's your life now.

Order our pies now as recommended by James Acaster.

Put your bona back in the pie where it belongs.

People would not buy it.

People would buy that if that was the slogan.

Five other people in here who were no longer planning to shout out the name of their food business.

Honestly, though, Willie, if I had to fuck a pie, it would be one of yours.

Interesting question.

Okay.

Oh.

Give him my answer.

That's a tough one.

I'd go nuts deep in the banana cream from Idol House.

Of course you would.

Of course I would.

I wanted to fuck the

same pie that Jason Biggs fucked in American Pie.

After?

What's that?

Sloppy seconds, man.

I'll go in for a second.

Sloppy seconds.

No, it's a mess after he's done that.

It's a fucked pie.

Yeah.

You see the pie?

It's just an absolute mess of crust and chips.

That's the most famous pie anyone's ever fucked.

It would be an honour and a privilege.

Also, he fucked that pie about 25 years ago.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Would you come in, is it like a deleted scene in American Pie?

That you sneak into the kitchen after Eugene Levy's just caught him and then you start fucking the pie?

Or is it the pie now?

Yeah.

It was at the time.

And in the scene, if you remember, he turns to face Eugene Levy and you see his butt.

And that ain't going to be Jason Biggs's butt.

He probably had a butt double.

So someone probably did fuck that pie alongside him.

Yeah, like Biggs was doing it from the front, and then he slid it off, and then the butt double puts it on.

Hold on a second, but you only see him from behind, so there's no need for him to have had the pie on his dick.

So is the butt double Daniel Day-Lewis?

Yeah, he wants him to go method.

He was like, I can't just put it on.

My butt won't be clenching in the right way if I don't have the pie on my erect penis.

Listen, man I'm no Hollywood superstar director

excuse me mouse

excuse me John Mulaney the mouse I think quite a few of us have seen Cinderella the mute not the not the famous

the other one

the other one it was a charming cast do you remember it Yes, I remember the full cast.

All my friends were on a WhatsApp group.

Are all the mice on a WhatsApp group?

Yes, but we can't message on the WhatsApp group after midnight.

Romash the mouse, James Calder the mouse, and James A.

Castor as John Mulaney the mouse.

Is it common knowledge that you replace Mulaney?

I think it's getting to be common knowledge now.

It's spreading around a little bit.

We've spoken about it on this podcast numerous times, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

And I've met some of John Mulaney's friends.

I never met John Mulaney, but I've met some of his friends.

And they're like, oh, you you played John the Mouse.

So it's getting around.

No way did any of John Mulaney's friends come up to you and go, you played John the Mouse.

Seth Meyers said it to me.

Seth Meyers said, you were John the Mouse.

Someone on the front row actually went, ooh, ooh.

Nish?

Yes.

I would fuck the pie from Idle Hands.

You've already said that.

We know you would do it.

Yes.

But

would you like to, you know, this is being recorded and we're going to release it as an episode.

Is there anything you'd like like to say to Idle Hands if they're listening?

Oh, they know I love their work.

They know how big of fans I am.

I've met the people that run it.

They actually offered to make me a full banana cream pie to take back on the train.

And I know, well, and I refused because I said, I don't trust myself.

Just you on the train fucking a pie.

Is that Jason Mansoukas?

But is there anything else you'd like to say to them?

Maybe an apology.

Great.

Why would I apologise to Idle Hands?

I'm one of their biggest fans.

You don't want to apologise.

It's a great coffee shop, it's in Manchester.

The coffee's amazing, the cakes are incredible.

You don't want to apologise for the last time you were in there?

I don't want to.

Yes, I want to apologise for you and Daniel Kitson whinging.

About what?

A fart.

A fart.

Just a fart was in there when you arrived, was it?

Yes.

It was hanging around like one of the ghosts from Ghostbusters.

It was the worst one ever.

You say that about all my farts.

Only Nish

would say that that sentence as if I'm the bad one in

you say this about all my farts.

I fart!

Okay, I farted at Idle Hands, A Caster and Kitson made a big song and dance about it.

End of story.

Fair enough.

So do you think it's them complaining and always saying your farts are the worst fart ever?

Yeah.

Or are you upping yourself every single time?

I don't know, man.

You smell quite a lot of my farts in your time.

Why don't you?

Absolutely awful.

As I say, I drink upwards of 15 coffees a day.

I eat quite a lot of spicy food.

Quid pro quo.

Is there anything you'd like to say to the staff of the coach and horses?

What is this?

This is your fart?

What the hell is going on here?

I wasn't there for that one.

That was the other night, but I got four separate texts from different people about that fart.

Let me guess, the coach and the horses.

The horses are fucking glue now, man.

Also, I like seeing the coach and horses.

I haven't seen them since Cinderella, man.

It's great to see him again.

My body doesn't process lager well anymore.

I had a couple of lagers with James A.

Castor, and I farted, and then he complained a lot about it.

Yes.

I believe that that bit of the story is reasonable

to anyone.

Anyone here?

Oh, he's just annoyed because I didn't claim responsibility like the IRA.

No, the IRA would have phoned before the IRA.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, yeah.

I claim responsibility afterwards, like the cowardly IRA.

Solid joke from Acasta there.

What did he say?

More like the IBS.

That's pretty good gear.

I stayed under the radar.

That's how I do my jokes on the pod.

Normally, I say them into the mic, the guest doesn't hear me, and I look at Benito and he goes, That's fine.

We got it.

Should we give Nish his Christmas gift?

We're giving everyone a Christmas gift today.

Now, Nish, in your show, you talked about us getting away with it, and you know, we're just crackers talking to crackers about other crackers.

We get a lot of white privilege, and you get death threats and get bread rolls thrown at you.

So, we thought you'd give you a little Christmas treat today.

Oh, God.

Under the closh, you now have free free reign this Christmas.

Lift it up to throw some bread rolls at us.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Right, I now regret being the one who handed it over.

And one for luck.

Oh, runway!

Looks like the Disney Prince just got away with it again.

See how now, Nish, see how quickly we can all turn to hatred.

Yes.

I'm converted.

We've leave.

We've learned a valuable lesson here today.

Number two!

That's what you shouted in the coach and horses.

James, shall we bring our next guest on?

We should bring our next guest on.

Nish is going to stay here.

Nish is going to stay here.

Oh, right, right in the schnauz.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, we're doing it like Graham Norton, but a bit different.

Yeah, a bit different in that everyone is a maniac.

Fucking hell, yeah.

Are you ready for your next guest?

I'm not sure you are.

No, probably not.

They love sweets.

Maybe a bit too much.

Please welcome Rosie Jones.

I don't think we need a microphone.

Yep, we knew this would happen.

Sorry, I'm in your way.

Do enjoy this.

Look who just became the pie.

Oh, God.

Merry

fucking Christmas!

Oh, yeah, none of us have even said that.

Yeah, merry fucking Christmas, everyone.

And

this

wasn't happy with me.

No, I mean, I don't think that that's unreasonable.

When When I walked into the dressing room, you just started pointing at your vagina.

And then you just said, look at my vagina.

Which is, I'll admit, an upgrade on what you previously do, which is slowly honk your breast whilst making eye contact with me.

It's not all right.

He likes me.

Mosie doesn't do that to everyone, Ish.

Like

to me, today you decided to sing You Raised Me Up and then you tickled me.

So that's nice.

That's nice.

More whimsical.

Although, actually, the last time I saw you, Rosie, you held eye contact with me for ages and then slowly lifted up your top and flashed me.

You were

so many people saw your breasts at that party.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

I was having a good

tick day.

Appreciation for that stuff.

Praise the fucking God you're having a bad tick day today, Laisy.

Oh, Edward.

Wouldn't you or me

every day to say good tick day?

I do want to chat about good and bad tip days more, but I don't know.

James is giving me a look as if to say, let's get off this path of conversation.

I'll happily talk about a good or a bad tit day.

I just don't know what I've got to add.

What delineates, what qualities delineate a good tit?

I'm like the Parkinson of this.

What delineates a good tit day from a bad tip day?

To be finished,

it flows was a god

which

she bought a railer

Merry Christmas

allowed to imagine that was a god

and what I found we're gonna make

a rosy jones

and we haven't made a disabled one

for ages.

Are you gonna

be

a bad day at that office?

What can we do to like raise my rap?

I know we'll give it a great tip.

So,

Rosie.

Yeah.

I mean, it's difficult for me to pick out the most problematic part of that sentence.

Oh, I think it was like, I think it all cancelled itself out.

It was so problematic, it became fine.

God made a disabled person and described it as a bad day at the office.

But it had a happy ending.

Yeah.

Gave a great tip.

You know, know,

every day

I wake up and I go, Oh, another

day

having terrible party,

and then I lock down

and I go,

actually,

it's not that bad.

Man,

I wish God did that for big dicks and diabetics.

Man, that would have kept you afloat in the Thames.

You're going to be okay, son.

Are you imagining it got massive when I fell in the Thames and contracted diabetes?

It sort of went up like a life jacket.

And then that's a fisherman shouting to you, you're going to be okay.

That's a fisherman.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at your dick.

Look at your dick.

That had to be a big pie.

Big pie.

Big pie.

Big pie.

Willie will sort me out.

Yeah.

Willie's left.

Oh, that guy's gone home.

He's crying on the trailer.

We've ruined his guy.

He's holding a pie with James and Ed written on it, just crying into it.

And just in the back of his mind thinking, well, at least I get to fuck this one.

Now, Rosie, there was a lot of controversy about your menu.

Yeah, I'm actually

quite angry.

Can I say before

you bravas?

By all means.

I'm arguably

a

very

famous

chessable

rich

community.

Not a huge amount of argument there, Jones.

Didn't know about the rich bit.

I've written three books about my own travel show

and that I've been on every fucking panel show there.

I'm a pretty big deal.

You forgot to mention your tits.

Yeah, also

great tits.

Um,

whatever

um

and about

what every

people say to me is,

yeah,

you're Rob Menu

and I

fucking am

I feel the same way.

Well, you're welcome, Rosie, but really, it's down to you and the menu you chose because people remember it because, well, yes, Ed's still, it's probably Ed's least favourite menu ever.

Hateful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, worse than Domit.

No, but we don't talk about that guy anymore.

No, he's.

That guy's been banished to ITV.

Banished?

Are you other people get banished?

You have been banished, Joel.

Because you had a protein shake.

You may reveal if you are a traitor or a faithful.

And then Joel goes through a trapdoor.

You've got to know two reality shows to get that.

You've got to know a lot of stuff there.

But Rosie,

I didn't care for your menu hugely.

Crisps and sweets, mainly, wasn't it?

Should we, Rich, should we read out all the crisps?

Yes,

please be code.

Everyone will fucking little bit.

This is Rosie Jones's Dream Starter.

It is entitled, you worded it, Three Hours of Crisps.

Yeah?

Ed, if you please.

I would argue that a lot of these aren't crisps either, Rosie.

Well.

Twiglets, pringles, bacon rashes, onion rings, salt and vinegar sticks, peanuts, cashew nuts, cheese straws, hula hoots, Doritos, every flavour, knickknacks, only barbecue rib flavour, crinkly midi-ninny jeddas, pretzels, watsits, cheese quavers, space raiders, all in separate bowls, plus surprise snacks every 20 minutes.

Thank you!

Wait, so your menu was just all of the food?

No, that's a starter.

That's the starter, Nish.

That was her starter.

I mean, yeah, her menu was all the food, because Maine was tap ass with a lot of stuff.

Well, actually, I think you'll find the exact title was Tapass Every Dish.

Yeah, she wasn't talking about the food.

The dessert was like three hours of sweets or something.

We had marrowhams, jelly babies, jelly beans, dolly mixtures, strawberry laces, rainbow pencils, chocolate buttons, rebels, chocolate pretzels, white chocolate mice, and in brackets, childhood in a little mouse.

I don't know what that means.

What the fuck does that mean?

Childhood in a little mouse.

And once again, separable.

Watch.

Basically,

what are you complaining about?

At the moment, I'm just confused about childhood and a little mouse, Rosie.

Some guys' careers are in a little mouse.

Love your cinders.

If you say to anyone, oh, do you remember that little white mice?

Everyone will go.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember.

Isn't that little mouse?

Some little white mice are so white you can see them from space.

I used to eat those little mice before my dick went massive.

Simpler times.

This is going to be the shortest podcast ever.

Yeah!

She get in me and they're now

at the same time.

Well, I'll be honest, Rosie, we're just happy he hasn't pushed you over yet.

Yeah, that's bad.

Isn't it because she's so emotional?

I've never pushed her over.

She pretends I pushed her over.

People take photos, and then she shouts the man from the mash report pushed a disabled girl.

Yeah.

Which is inaccurate.

i've never pushed rosie jones over yeah and you're not on the mash report anymore

yes is this

being filmed i mean it can be if people want to film it

no definitely not

that it's the absolute opposite of venue policy

talk throughout latecomers welcome film away

is it just

day?

Just audio.

Yeah, yeah, just audio.

Your good tip, Dave is for nothing, Rosie.

Oh, Nish.

Nish!

You are all enablers,

oh, she sounds

like Jones is down.

You are all enablers!

Every single one of you enablers.

Stop taking fun of her, Paul.

Put the camera on.

Come round, get that, Paul!

Get that!

Don't yell at her, Nish.

This is absolute audio dog shit.

Paul girl, oh, but

I'm so sorry, Rob.

Oh, he's throwing Bret Rolls at her.

I'm throwing Bread Rowland now.

Oh, no,

the man

who used

to be

I'm the man

careful.

You are a piece of shit, and I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I don't think you're disabled.

Wow.

Insult to injury.

Wow.

I think she's lying about being disabled.

Wow.

That is very damning.

Disgraceful.

Oh, dear.

I'm not saying

that I'm not disabled.

but

if I was

pretending to be the table,

it's uh gone quite well.

Yeah, yeah,

it's good stuff.

Also, you've got to love Rosie checking that it's only an audio medium and still getting on the visual.

Is it an audio or down on the floor?

What would you have done if they'd been filming it?

Caught it out of and then doing it again.

We would have put it in in post, it was fine.

Rosie, we got you a gift as well.

James?

Yeah, yeah, we got you a gift, Rosie.

Of course we have.

It's two tits.

Well we don't need two closes for that.

I think I've ever.

Oh, great.

What a classy way to refer to press.

Couple of closhes.

Lovely couple of closhes on it.

Yeah, a double closh.

What's under the robot tit?

Robo tit.

Go for it.

Oh, look at it on your lap.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Rosie.

Oh!

My

God.

Oh!

There we go.

Every crisp from your order.

That went even better than we imagined.

Yeah, that was brilliant.

We're gonna bring our next guest out now, Rosie.

No.

No?

I think you'll be excited.

I think you'll be excited to see them, though.

Just,

I mean, it's gonna be off-putting because you're gonna smash your fucking face into those in a minute, aren't you?

What am I gonna

do about

this?

What?

Do you want

why was that your first thought?

You could just eat those.

Shall I move them to the table?

Yeah.

But

can we make sure that everyone knows that for me?

Yeah.

I don't think anyone's going to make that mistake, Rosie.

This is an

fucking shaving situation.

It's probably right to headline that, because I'll be honest, it does look like one.

Yeah, I can see how you would look at that, Rosie, and worry that people would try and share that.

So thank you for making that crystal clear.

Oh Neze.

Neje

fucking amazing.

Do you want me to move the crisps?

Yeah.

You're just going to pose like the lady in flash dance.

This is lovely.

This is a lovely moment, Nish, and it won't go as well as a full apology for what you did earlier, but it...

Yeah.

I will never apologise.

Nish, stop eating the crisps.

Why are you eating all the rosy crisps?

Nej, stop it.

I hate podcasts!

Just because it's Christmas, we don't need a pantomime villain, Nish.

Let's get our next guest done, James.

This is our final guest of the first half, and then we have an interval.

Very much looking forward to welcoming this guest.

Sorry, Rosie.

I mean, I mean, you've

left some crisps on his seat, I'll be honest.

Don't know how delighted they're gonna be.

I mean, that is

absolutely disgusting.

Quite disgusting.

Don't eat them off the floor!

Why are you applauding?

What were you applauding?

Rosie,

make a crisp sandwich.

Make a crisp sandwich with the

bread roll.

Applauding a disabled woman eating crisps off a floor.

It's like a scene from a goddamn Ken Loach film.

But Nish, Nish, why is she on the floor again?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Boom, boom.

Oh, of course, you've fallen over the classic way everyone falls over.

This is your doing, Nish.

I am absolutely thrilled I invited my mother to this show.

She can see, glimpse her real son.

Right, both of you sit down.

We're going to bring our final guest of the first half on.

Sit down and behave yourselves.

Sit down and behave yourselves.

Tell her to behave herself.

There are so many Pringles.

I'm going to be honest, there's an full stack on that plate, Rosie.

You can have a Pringle if you like, yes.

Yeah.

We're about to bring a national treasure out.

Pop yourself down.

Oh, my God.

Okay, final guest of the first half.

Please, welcome to the stage, Bob Mortimer.

Pretty good.

I am good.

Why did you push

Sorry, I didn't see what we were doing.

Well, you heard it, Bob.

That's all you need to say.

I would have expected this shit from Reeves.

Oh, no.

So, you've got a granddad at your Christmas party.

Yeah, I suppose.

You need one, don't you?

Yeah, I always need a nice granddad at the Christmas party.

Do you just want me to snore?

You're just here to provide some sort of audio atmosphere, Bob, to be honest.

Is that what you're what your Christmas party is usually like, Bob?

Yeah just watching old men snore.

Just

go around the backs of houses, look through the windows,

tick it off, a ginger,

wall bet,

whatever.

Yeah, those old guys can snore.

They can't, could it?

I thought that I was going to be doing like a Christmas menu, but that's not.

No, unless you want to talk about your Christmas menu, but there's so many memories from the episode that you did that people would want want updates on.

I would love to know how many Odeon cinema hot dogs you've eaten since we last saw you.

I haven't been to Odeon,

but my son Ari

found.

Is there a supermarket in London called Farm Fresh or something?

Farm Fresh?

Whole Foods, Whole Foods.

Well, that's very different to Farm Fresh, Bruv, I'll be honest with you.

You've literally picked the two opposite ends of the spectrum, no?

I'm guessing Farm Foods is.

Yeah, Farm foods are not great, I'd say.

Whole foods is the most expensive supermarket in the country.

You can't get snobby about these things.

Do you spend much time in B ⁇ M?

What's that?

What a shot, ladies and gentlemen, though, innit?

You know what?

You go into BMN, B ⁇ M, B ⁇ M, James, and you discover that they do orange DMs, diams?

Oh, Diams.

Yeah, Diams.

Dimes, huh?

Yeah.

Diames.

Did I go with dimes?

Diames?

Yeah.

Diam's.

But we had this when Bob was on the podcast.

Yeah.

They're spelt, the ones that you see are D-A-I-M.

Do I see different ones?

It's like how cats see in black and white, you know, we're all.

Well, maybe they're available anywhere, but I had my first Nando's tonight.

Yeah.

I've just had it.

I understand what the fuss is about.

Was it nice?

Juicy.

Juicy.

Yeah, one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's quite tart, you know, spicy.

Yeah.

And the chips are pretty good, aren't they?

Yeah, good chips.

But when I asked you what you were ordering from Nando's, what did you say, Bob?

A number two.

That was the second Nando's of the evening.

But you're too late, sir.

No, there's always a cue when

Blue Water, when I go Blue Water.

Oh yeah, Blue Water.

I understand now.

I've got a Toby Carberry gold card.

Did I tell you that?

No.

No, you just cube.

You didn't tell us that.

And congratulations on being alive still.

On being

still being alive.

Anyone know the Toby Carvery gold card?

That's a one-way ticket to the mall.

What does that mean?

Because it's already unlimited salad.

Does that mean free Toby Carvery?

Free up to £100.

Only...

But that's a month.

Oh, okay, £100 a month.

It's not quite the gold card.

You've got a voucher, Bob.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How much are you paying for it?

I've got a hard voucher.

A small hard voucher.

So, yeah.

If you're using the gold card, how do you hit up Toby Carvery?

What's your route around the Toby Carvery?

Well, go to the Calvery.

No, sorry, I'm not being facetious.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, but what are you having?

What are you picking up from the Calvery?

Well,

if you get two meats,

you get four slices of meat.

If you get three meats, you get three.

So that's just a little tip if you're a Toby cow.

So you should always go for two meats.

Toby jugs out there.

And a large plate, get the yokesha pudding, and then on to the gravy station

for a short prayer

before dining.

Don't you do like

no

batted meats.

Yes.

So you're saying two meats of four.

Four slices.

That's eight slices

of three

of three.

That's nice.

No.

No.

You've wilfully misunderstood that, Rosie.

Also,

you've completely overestimated the Jojo Carberry there.

Also, clearly what was happening was you were listening and then you started looking at the crisps and you got distracted.

Two meats meats is four slices in total.

Am I correct, Bob?

Two slices of each meat.

Not you, men.

Yeah, yeah.

What?

What did you do?

You thought, Bob men, that if you get two meats, you get two of each meat.

If you get three meats, you get three of each meat.

And you were looking at all of us like, why do you think that's a better deal?

Basic way, I want

nine slices.

Is there a way you can get nine slices, Bob?

Are there nine meats?

Yeah?

We ask a big question, Bob.

I mean, it's huge.

It's a huge question.

Bob, how many of you have a favorite?

Now you've misunderstood your own question.

How many questions can you name?

Bob said something.

No one said there were nine meats.

We were saying three meats.

Three slices.

But please, I'd love us to name nine nine meats.

Let's see if Bob can do it.

I think we could.

Is it off full of meats?

Do you include the offals?

Can you slice offal?

You slice liver for sure.

Yeah.

Wait, how are we delineating this?

Are we delineating it by animal or by cut of meat?

Oh, no, I have to be animal.

I have to be animal.

By animal.

Whilst we're on offal, Bob, you talked about tongue quite a lot on your off-menu.

I do like ox tongue, yeah.

Yeah, and a butcher sent me a tongue.

Right, you lucky lad?

Off the back of that, I'm a real influencer now.

I've got a massive tongue through the post.

It's a very sad story, actually.

A butcher kidnapped Ed's wife.

It's still in the freezer.

Yeah.

Good luck to her.

So, nine meats.

Well, there is, isn't there?

Well, I don't know.

Not unless you name them.

How many do you think you could name?

The chicken meat.

Chicken meat.

Always, always follow it with meat.

Yeah.

Just in case.

Your luncheon meat

second second one luncheon luncheon meat second chicken to luncheon this is unorthodox what animal is luncheon luncheon's the pig pig meat

so are we are we gonna say pork pork yeah pork meat are we saying is that separate to luncheon meat

if well if you're not giving it i'm fine with that it's a tinned meat other nine tinned meats Pork, pig, no, they're the same.

Sorry,

I feel like...

the old pork pig.

The uh pork pig.

Pork, pig, hog.

Oinker.

I think that uh

right into the mic.

You're right into the mic, Rosie.

Anyone else?

We're having a game of pork, pig, hog here.

If you don't mind.

Chicken.

You go pork and chicken, so you can.

Oh, we're going ahead with this.

Yes.

We're playing nine meats.

chicken cow pig lamb

lamb and sheep similar very similar niche at least listen I I the lamb is a young sheep so I don't know what I don't understand the parameters of the game but I'm I'm gonna hazard a guess

that they're not gonna allow lamb and sheep no we mutton are you gonna go mutton mutton

can you name nine animals that you can slice one

that's essentially it yeah would you ever would you ever go up to a horse perhaps not a horse,

give it a stroke, and then bite a chunk of the meat off it?

Yeah,

I've done.

Yeah.

Let's stop talking about meat.

Well, unless you want to talk about processed meats.

Or pocket meats.

I won processed meat man of the year last year.

I've got a trophy and everything that came to the pod.

What's it made of?

For advocating processed meat.

I suppose because of your podcast.

Right, so you won an award because of the pod, because you you advocated for processed meats yeah and then you won processed meat man of the year yeah it's rather beautiful tofu I think yeah yeah Bob to be to be fair I

take that as a

huge compliment but I think you have talked about pocket meats on various platforms yeah but a pocket meat's not necessarily a processed meat the finest pocket meat is a chicken

or a sliced ham of course Pepperami and the like are the easiest but you know go the extra mile those are top pocket meats

or the little, or the little coin pocket.

Yeah, yeah, the little coin pocket.

Kepper armies, nice inside pocket, innit?

Oh, that's an IPM, if ever I've heard one.

The 9pm sausage.

That's an IPM, an inside pocket meet.

I've immediately created an acronym for my own amusement there, Bob.

I thought you said 9pm meet.

It is the perfect 9pm meet, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's 9pm somewhere.

Have a little nip.

It could become a habit.

Yeah.

Watch out.

Well, that's good you won that trophy.

It is good to win.

I'm very proud of you for doing that.

Did Nish come last in that?

When you won it?

Why would I come last?

When Bob won it.

The person who was

you're making a Taskmaster dig.

Oh, sorry, was I?

That's the first time.

Did you come last in Taskmaster?

Yeah, I came last in your Taskmaster.

Bob.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Bob doesn't even remember that Nish was on the series.

The Willie's pie of Taskmaster.

Nish Kumar.

Every time Nish's task came on, cut to Bob.

He's eating a pepperami out of his inside pocket.

It's 9pm somewhere.

I came last and that's why James is getting a dig in.

I'm just asking if Nish came last in the processed meat competition.

Look at my body type.

Do I look like I would come last in a processed meat competition, James?

I'd come a creditable silver and be honoured to follow Bob Mortimer.

It was just comedians who won that award.

Was there a ceremony?

No, it literally just came through the post.

I promise you, there was no, you know.

There was no heads.

I suppose they hope you're going to

photograph it.

And, you know, give them publicity processed meats.

But it's just generic.

It wouldn't have been any particular meat, processed meat you shouldn't eat processed anything should you really I think that's oh no don't talk like they're gonna take that trophy away whoa whoa whoa I think you should only eat processed meat

tomorrow as we knock on Bob's door thank you

um Bob

is it good to be alive son

yeah um you've asked that of your oldest guest

I suppose that is appropriate well it's what you like to say to your son when you you mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce.

You mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce on the yogan cinema hot dog and you say, it's good to be alive to the body.

I'd imagine if Bob didn't remember that, that was a very harsh thing to say.

Yeah, I mean, I was mortified, but I saw the look in your eyes.

Quite a lot of sadness there.

And you made it go so quiet as well.

Yeah.

Bob.

Is it good to be alive?

Is it good to be alive?

I felt like I was counting every day, you know.

I was saying, so what, just in case, just to finish that up, at Whole Foods, is it Whole Foods?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, I've got a replica,

a hot dog sausage that is as good as, it's German, and it is as good as the Odian one, I reckon.

Because I haven't beaten the cinema since off-menu.

Have you not?

Not been, no.

Is that because you discovered podcasts and don't need films anymore?

I don't know why I haven't been, really.

I stopped during the pandemic

and my son's left home.

I know, and the water's, there's no water in Tunbridge Wells at the moment.

Been off for five days.

What?

No!

Yeah.

No water.

Five days.

So, yeah, when you say, I'm glad to be alive, I'm not so sure with you anything.

You know,

I could go either way on that.

Oh, Bob, I didn't know things were that bad.

So, no one's letting you swell their hot dog of mustard if you've got no water in Tunbridge Wells?

Got no water?

I'm not using mustard instead.

instead.

Is that what you mean?

If you had to use a condiment to wash in.

That's great question.

You've got to pick one condiment to wash in, maybe for the rest of your life.

Am I washing my entire body, face?

Your entire body, your face and everything below.

My teal.

And everything behind the face.

And

you can't avoid anything.

What's behind your face, James?

Your mind?

Is that what you're thinking?

Back of the skull.

Back of the skull.

All the way down.

I lie that that was the deal breaker in your mind.

And before you start trying to get out of it, back of the head as well.

Yeah.

Isn't that easy?

Is it easy for you?

Yeah.

What condiment you'd washing?

Hold your answer, Rosie.

Bob, which condiment would you wash your full body with, and you're not allowed to avoid any bits of your body?

Well, the first thing I thought of, I'd probably select it is

white vinegar.

What were you going to say?

I think.

Would you, Rosie?

I think.

Yeah, and that is so easy.

I'd go for binary,

cause you get a little

tingle

You would, especially around the anise.

You'd be like, oh no, play, little play, little play.

Oh!

I can't think of another liquid condiment, soy sauce,

um, ketchup, mustard, mustard, kayak.

You know what I tried, George, by the loss.

Um, was happy.

Yeah, if you want a bit of a tingle,

I'll send you to the moon.

I think Dijon mustard would be quite exfoliating.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

Been nice.

Whole grain.

Yeah, don't use the DiG, yeah, the whole grain.

Yeah.

Well done on picking that up actually.

No problem.

I do maven

tartar sauce.

Why?

Why not?

Apologies.

I did my whole lower body in tartar sauce so I could feel like a merman.

In tartar sauce.

Hang on, what?

What?

Wait, you think fish like being slathered in tartar sauce?

What are you thinking?

My bottom half covered in tartar sauce, I'd feel like a fish.

But if my top half isn't, I'd feel like a man.

And so,

top half of a man, bottom half fish.

Google it, I'm a merman.

I think that's right.

Google it.

Google what is bottom half fish, top half man?

I'll do it in the interval on private browsing.

Bob, do you remember

when we were talking about hot dogs and chocolate bars?

We talked a lot about chocolate bars when you were on as well.

The Dayan bar was only one of the chocolate bars mentioned.

Do you remember your dream fantasy crossover between hot dogs and chocolate?

That was Mars Bar and Sausage in baguette.

It was it.

Did you know, did you, is this common or did you know they cancelled the topic a couple of months ago?

Bloody cancel culture again.

It's a great biscuit, not made anymore.

This year.

There you go, anyway.

How often were you having a topic?

Not often enough, very neglected.

I think the most underrated chocolate bar is the timeout.

What do you reckon?

Yeah,

I would say.

It's a decent bar.

It's a decent bar.

I mean,

I think lion bars are pretty underrated.

I think they're quite good and don't get enough

double-deckers.

Yeah.

A lot of love for them.

I think they're the two worst.

I'm not just being, they're just like, they're virgin on the savoury, they're difficult.

Savoury?

They're in the toppy crisp area, you know?

Oh, yeah, I remember you said toffee crisp was savoury when you were.

But you know that, you know, like a topic is a real indulgence or a caramel, Cadbury's caramel.

Yeah, delicious.

In it, though.

Well, you know, compared to a double decker.

Yeah, something to get your teeth into.

Do you know who did the voice of the caramel bunny in the advert?

She had the sexy caramel bunny back in the day?

Maybe a Margolies.

Wow.

I did the the Churchill dog.

Yeah.

Which you can't eat.

It's not a...

No, you can't eat it.

Oh, yes.

That was a...

I've never known you as a competitive man, Bob, but the speed with which you followed up, I did the Churchill dog.

Well, I did the Churchill dog.

It's too

big up.

Do you remember the caramel advert where the bunny said, never let anyone fuck you up the ass?

You have to have heard the Miriam Margleys episode of the podcast to understand that.

Don't worry, Bob.

Miriam Margleys came on the podcast and her golden rules for life were

don't let the sun go down on an argument.

Don't let the sun go down on an argument and never let anyone fuck you up the bum.

Do you have golden rules for life, Bob?

Rules for life.

Golden rules for life.

Golden.

Golden rules.

Shit.

Yeah, imagine that.

Yeah,

I think that

it's important that when you're living with the p other people, that you stay very quiet whilst they're asleep.

Yeah.

I hate, you know, I hate you know people who are wandering around are putting rate, you know, if someone's still asleep, just keep quiet.

And I like to turn up on time and all.

And I like those two because the two things that you'll never get thanked for.

Do you know what I mean?

You're not doing it for the thank you.

When they get up, you don't say to them, I kept quiet

from inside the trunk.

You know, I think they're quite nice things to do.

They're very nice things to do.

How do you stay, do you have any tips for staying quiet while other people are asleep?

Do you have any techniques?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'd just stare out the window and

count stuff.

Count stuff.

You do, as you get older, you'll find you do stare a lot more.

But you don't necessarily see more.

Do you know?

You're just staring.

And if someone said, what did you say?

Not so sure.

Whereas a youngster can take it in, Nish, you'd look outside and say a robin bird, and the oak tree's beginning to, you know, yeah, done.

That's a spot-on impression of it.

Nish Hunkin says that.

That's Robin the window.

That's Nish the window all over.

Robin, oak tree, Rosie Jones, honking a tear.

Just like that, immediately, as soon as you said it,

down, bam, back to her beer.

And then you pushed her over.

Yeah.

Disgraceful.

Horseshit.

Disgraceful.

Off of the roach.

Right up that oak tree.

That is

so weird because actually

my golden rulers

always

fuck

me

and my billy

up the ass.

Yeah.

Always is the horrifying word in that sentence for me.

I'm assuming you mean any time

whenever you get the chance to have sex with Mimi and Margolis, not just always.

Where's Rosie?

Take a guess.

You know where she is.

Jim.

Always.

Always.

If I love Akaster, try to give her a way out and let her go.

No, no, I've said always.

Always says.

Always fuck Miriam Margulies up the ass.

Also breaks two of Bob's golden rules.

Rosie's late, she's fucking Miriam Margulies up the ass.

Miriam's trying to sleep.

And yeah,

unfortunately, Bob, I am quite not

if you lived with Rosie, Bob.

If you lived with Rosie

would, well, yeah, but...

Would you rather live with Alan Sugar or Alan Shearer?

Shearer flats for six months.

Yep.

Oh, that is great.

Shearer.

Not even hesitation.

I mean, Shira seems like a decent bloke.

Sugar seems like an absolute nightmare.

Yeah, that's a bad one.

I think it it would have to be Shira, wouldn't it?

Gotta be Shira.

Oh, go Shanes.

You'll go sugar.

You go sugar.

Ed, you're diabetic.

Yeah.

It's one of the only sugars I don't have to inject for.

Couple of big dicks in the

yeah, shira, I reckon.

Shira, yeah, it's so bad one.

I usually ask it with daytime presenters.

Yeah.

Do you know, like, Martin from Holmes Under the Ammo?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a bad one because everyone just says yes

before you get to the second

Martin, eh?

I'm just saying, you know,

what's happened?

He's got off the rails, is he?

I don't know, I just I genuinely mean that.

What has happened?

I haven't been keeping up

with

Martin's

goings on.

I have chestnuts at Christmas, just so that could say one

thing.

And um,

do people still have them?

Rost Chestnuts?

Do people still have chestnuts at Christmas?

They're delicious, aren't they?

It's getting hard, though, to get.

At the moment, the ratio I'm getting is about one good one out of every four.

It's tough, isn't it?

Because the bad ones taste like shit.

They really don't.

Do you ever buy them off the street vendors?

You know the chestnut street vendors.

I never go into the street.

I'm either in my house or on parkland.

That's one of my rules.

The third rule.

That's what we're all waiting for.

Never be on the streets.

I don't understand the streets anymore, so it's best to keep

on the parkland.

What's changed on the streets since back in your day?

Nobody knows, James, because I've not been on the streets.

Do you remember what it was that made you go, I can't be on the streets anymore?

Bloody chestnut sellers.

They're big fat asses.

Oh no,

I couldn't handle it.

There's not much to see anymore.

There used to be so much to see on the streets.

Kids with hoops,

you know,

kicking a ball around, playing rounders,

bunting everywhere.

It's all gone.

It's all gone now.

It's all gone.

That's true.

Should we give Bob his present?

Yes, thank you.

Bob.

We've tried...

This is a let's get the old gosh here.

I hope it's a good one.

I haven't seen this yet.

I'm quite excited to see this.

What do they call those things?

Slabbers?

Yeah.

Slabbers.

Slabbers, yeah.

Slabbers.

Is it a slabber?

Yes, they call them slabbers.

They don't, do they?

No.

No.

They call them robo-tits.

Robo-tits is what we've been calling them.

Do you want this on the table or on your lap?

Not on the table, it's fine.

On the table?

Because I'm thinking it's going to be heavy.

Could be heavy.

Do I just go ping?

Just go ping.

And you can make that noise if you want.

Ping!

Shit!

Now, so.

Oh, I hope it's not sausages.

You've got a bunch of pocket meats there if you want them.

And I'll have processed meats for you to get you the award next year.

Just check the sell-bys.

Yeah.

Another golden rule.

The Tesco Prime Cuts roast beef is two days out of.

Well,

don't bother me.

Don't know, he gives it more taste.

No.

But I'll be eating the roast chicken last because that goes right up to Christmas Eve.

Oh lovely.

Look, it'd be nice to imagine you on Christmas Eve eating that Bob staring out the window.

Yeah, yeah.

Well I might see Santa and you won't.

Who knows?

Bob.

This is the present we're most excited about though.

The baguette.

Yeah, yeah.

So has it got a big hole in it?

It's got a boost bar in it.

It's got a boost bar in it and it's flush.

As requested the boost bar is flush with the end.

It's a bit like dealing with your dog when he...

That's all right, Lassie.

It was just a boost bar.

Stuck in there.

Now, do you want to have a bite of that before we go?

Well, you were quite excited on the podcast.

Well, you came on the podcast.

But you wanted to have it in the...

baguette and you wanted to have a bite of it in the baguette is what you wanted on the podcast you just wanted it to be flush in the baguette so you could eat it.

It's fucking flush.

It looks really flush.

It's so flush.

It's like quite a big panachocola.

It's a big moment.

This is a dream of Bob's.

My teeth might come out.

Genuinely.

Genuinely.

If I bite it at the right angle, they'll stay in the hole.

This is very tense.

Oh!

It works.

We're okay.

See if this is nice.

Well, I think that's how we always planned on ending the first half of this show.

Yeah, no one's teeth fell out.

Is it delicious, Bob?

It is, obviously.

Yeah, yeah.

Obviously delicious.

Yeah, but it would be nice hot.

Yeah, yeah, we'll warm it up in the interval for you.

You can have it like a king.

Okay, thank you.

A little deserve after your first ever Nando's.

Have that for the car on the way home?

Yeah.

I'd have just got one big carpet

but that's that's just me.

Yeah, I'm pleased to see

it's nice to see a carpet.

I was saying to Ed earlier laminates

took over for a good period.

Rembiad said 20 years.

Yeah.

But the carpet is coming back and I'm pleased to see it.

I'll be honest, when you were telling me that Bob, I didn't immediately think he's trying gear out on me.

No, I'm not, I would just but like, if you sit in your front room and the wife said let's get a carpet, you wouldn't say well I'll get four carpets

But they'll be the same.

Yeah, so look all right

I would say this is about 12 by 14 so yeah 12 by 14

by 14.

Yeah, about that big time I said that when I came out I said to Benito

and so what are you fucking doing?

So it's not exactly what Bob said, is it?

He said to me on this day, Rosie, that's the biggest rook

I've ever seen.

And I said,

you're lying.

Benito told Rosie they don't make rugs bigger than this.

And then he walked away.

Bullshit.

This is bullshit, Benito.

Bullshit, Benito.

No, you were lying.

He's got a bigger rug than this in his pocket, Bonito.

That

little pocket rug.

Yeah.

It looks like no.

30 feet.

Well, I think that takes us nicely to the end.

Yeah, I think so.

Can we get a massive round of applause for our first three guests of the evening?

Miss Rosia Farm.

Rosie Jones, Bob Martimer.

Go and have a little break.

We'll

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Yes, welcome back, welcome back.

Do we have a nice break?

Welcome back to the Off Menu Christmas dinner party.

I'm mad for it, Ed.

You are mad for it, Ed.

I got smoke and delights.

I've got my Cherry Pepsi maps.

You are.

Absolutely off your face, mate.

Loving it, look at you.

I am loving it.

Can't see anyone in these glasses.

I can just dance the night away.

Yeah, everyone left, that's why.

They've all gone.

Oh, no.

They were traitors and they got back.

No.

We had a little chat backstage about don't reference the traitors anymore because no one knows what the fuck you're talking about.

I was told very clearly to stop.

But I can't stop because I'm 100% faithful.

You can't make me stop.

I'm 100% faithful.

And I know it because I am faithful.

That's how I know.

Because I'm faithful.

But that's what a traitor would say.

No, don't, don't come at me with that.

Guys, I've heard James is a traitor.

Spread it around.

Here's the thing, Ed.

Talking of absent people, speaking of people going, we've had three lovely guests in that first half.

We've had some amazing guests.

And

we've got three lovely guests in the second half, but there were guests who couldn't make it today.

Look, we've had so many great guests in the past, and some people just couldn't make it.

So luckily, one of the guests that we really, really, really wanted to be here.

Yeah, he really wanted to be here, couldn't make it, but has made a video for you tonight so that he can be here in spirits.

So here's a little video from a guest who can be here.

Hello to the off-menu audience.

I'm Dan Ackro.

We hope you're having as much fun as I had the last time I spoke with Ed and James.

You may know that I co-founded Crystal Head Vodka back in 2008.

At Crystal Head, we use only the highest quality ingredients, pristine water from Newfoundland, Canada, without any additives, to create unique expressions of vodka.

Bristol Head Original, our corn, our Onyx, agave-based vodka, our Aurora, sunset wheat from England, and the corn in our Pride bottle.

They all make excellent gifts and are available for next day delivery for those last-minute holiday thoughts.

Ed and James, we wish you the best with your project.

Happy holidays and happy new year to you.

He actually did it.

Actually did it.

And I would wager fucking no memory of ever meeting us.

No idea what he was saying there.

No, we told Benito to ask him to do that as a junk.

And then Benito got back to us a month later and just sent us that cold with no

text.

There's that.

And we could not believe it.

I watched it 50 times in a day.

There were some stipulations to getting that video.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got it.

We got the hood.

No, that's not.

We've just got to put that there for the rest of the recording.

Absolutely delicious.

The head.

Not in the pride bottle, sadly.

If you haven't listened to the Dan Atcoyd episode, please do.

It's the best thing we've ever done with our lives.

Episode is a generous word.

The debacle.

Should we bring another guest on, James?

Yeah, we should be standing for the first guest.

Standing for this guest, that should be.

Very, very, very exciting.

We continue with the fan favourites.

It's only fan favorites tonight because it's Christmas.

Please, welcome to the stage, Munya Chihuahua!

Wow, we've not that that was the thirstiest reaction we've had tonight, yeah.

Matt, maybe we should have found Joel.

How much of this is HM that you're wearing?

Be honest, how much of it's HM, Munya?

All right, so listen.

I don't know if you've seen Munya on the tube looking very sexy, sporting a lot of HM gear.

You see, I actually don't even like dogs, right?

Right.

Because I had some bad experience.

There's dogs on the show, by the way, just in case you thought Munya's.

I mean, he says weird shit, but that would be outrageous even for him.

Munya doesn't think that HM is run by dogs.

I don't like dogs because I've had all the traumatic experiences you could have with dogs, I've had them.

Munya, I'm just going to read, sorry, I'm just going to read a message you sent me.

This was

quite soon after you recorded off-menu, which you just admitted to me, by the way, that you had absolutely no idea what the fuck it was when you agreed to do it.

Munya didn't know what it was.

When we started asking him questions about food, he had to just riff it.

When you shouted that poppadum sing at me, I was like, bro, stop trying to be cool.

Like, I thought that was just a stop.

No one's ever cool about me.

This guy's trying to be cool.

You think it's cool to shelve popped arms or bread?

Now, Munya, just because you brought dogs up,

this might be something that you're referencing.

So this was just.

And just

to put this text in context, Munya had done our podcast.

He'd talked about the time he got his bum stuck in a window.

He talked about setting fire to a whole bunch of gardens in Zimbabwe.

He'd talked about...

Covering his feet in Vaseline and skidding around in a bath to practice his balance.

Yes, and then seeing it.

And she then reused on Taskmaster.

Well, he didn't mention on Taskmaster that while he was doing that, you saw an elephant out the window.

So that's the kind of episode we'd had with Monya.

And then he said this text.

So I said, podcast's out now, everyone's loving it.

Hope you're well.

He said, yeah, just seen, thanks for having me.

Three days later, yo, I forgot to tell you guys, my dog got eaten in a stew.

Followed by the cry and laughing emoji.

Yeah, three, three of them.

I don't know whether I should tell that story.

It's too sad.

But listen.

Well, we know the end.

Alright.

I will tell you that story later.

Okay, well, this is what you did when you were on the podcast the first time.

You absolutely refused to tell any stories.

You were like, no, no, no, I'll save that for next time I'm on.

Don't normally do that, wouldn't you?

Alright.

So,

the story about dogs that comes to mind is...

That it's not the stew one.

I was...

No.

I was in Zimbabwe, alright?

And

I'm getting taken to school.

So as we're driving to the school now, I'm looking at the school wall and I'm seeing this dog like trying to claw its way in.

So I'm thinking, this dog's crazy, right?

So anyway, my dad's like, just watch out for that dog if it comes in the school.

This is your dad who invented giant saddles.

Giant Sazzaballs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He wants my dad, you know, his first priority is to protect me.

He even, my mum, if he tells me a story, he jumped out a 200-foot tree.

to save me from a madman.

So, okay, now I'm getting flashbacks to the first time we chatted, Munya.

Yeah.

We were trying to tell a story about a mad dog getting into a school, and you've diverted into a story about your dad jumping out of a 200-foot tree.

But that which, by the way, doesn't exist.

No, no, no, it does.

No, hang on, it does.

A 200-foot tree?

Well, hang on, because I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, oh, if a man jumped out a 200-foot tree, it will break every bone in his body.

Sure.

But then, if I say to you, oh, it's a rumor that pregnant women can lift cars, you don't bat an eyelid.

You, you, you, my eyelids doing nothing but fucking batting right now.

And I'll be honest, Monya, none of that was in my head.

What was in my head was what was his dad doing in a tree in the first place?

200 foot tree.

Look, because the thing is, I don't want to get sidetracked tonight.

So, look,

if

none of us do.

What story are you telling now?

Okay, let me

be crystal clear.

Let me clarify a fact, then tell a little story, then the big story.

So the fact is, when

okay, when a woman's pregnant, yeah,

because they...

Let's stay on that, yeah?

Because their instinct is to protect the child, they get superhuman strength.

If you Google it, after this, can a pregnant woman lift a car?

Yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, hang on.

I think that's the example of myself.

I do sort of know what you're getting at.

Yeah.

But I think it's a mum lifting a car up from her child that's already born.

Why is the mum who has the baby in her stomach lifting the car up?

Because mum's going around saving people because they're so strong.

No, pregnant women do.

So, there's a window after the pregnan after the giving birth that she's still pregnant because the belly is still out, right?

Okay, so that's not still pregnant.

It's pregnant.

She's not still pregnant after giving birth when you listen.

You're now getting sidetracked because I know you got us there.

Yeah, we did get sidetracked.

We did get sidetracked.

No, sorry, we didn't know what you meant by deriving.

Let me take charge.

So,

yes, my dad is in a tree.

Why?

In Derby.

Now.

A 200-foot tree in Derby.

I think we would know about that.

Why is he in a tree?

Okay.

Have you never...

Come on, man.

Have you never just seen a tree and thought, well, it's just standing there?

I have to interact with it.

Anyway, my dad, he likes to do these things.

He likes to do these things.

Anyway, he was in a tree, alright?

I was playing on the pavement.

So you're playing.

And he's, because if you've got him on here, he'll tell you this story.

I was on the pavement playing around, and this crazy guy just starts sprinting towards me,

right?

And my dad sees that and he just jumps from the tree

with because adrenaline, even though he's even if he broke his bones, he wouldn't feel it in that moment.

Yeah, I didn't say to him after that, Oh, did you break any bones?

That's the only bit of the story I know.

So, maybe he broke his bones.

Because if I said, Oh, he jumped out a tree, saved my life, but broke all his bones, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Yeah, so your dad jumped 200 feet out of a tree, landed just on his feet like a cat,

and the madman did what?

Ran away again?

So if you saw someone jump out a 200-foot tree and live, you wouldn't be afraid.

If I was a madman, no.

Anyway, I don't know what happened after that, but all I know is there was a dog outside my school.

Yes, right.

Can I just check where in Derby is this 200-foot tree?

It's a place called Allington.

Allington.

And in an urban area of Derby, because there's a pavement, so people are living there.

Yeah.

There's a 200-foot tree in the middle of the pavement.

If the tree is growing out of the pavement, we can assume already it's a supernatural, you know, it's like an artificial tree.

No, they don't grow out of the pavements like that.

When they're making the pavement, they put it around.

This sums you up.

You just said the word supernatural, corrected yourself and said artificial.

For a tree to make it through a pavement in the first place, it has to be naturally selected.

So it has to be...

What do you think happened, Munya?

Do you think they laid a pavement and then the pavement started going

just over time and then a tree came out of it

and fully or do you think there was a tree there and they had to build the pavement kind of around a bit of the tree?

I think there were several tree seeds and the most powerful one is the one that flew through.

Anyway, the thing is, this is ain't even the story I'm trying to tell.

I'm trying to say to you,

I was in school and there was a dog at the wall.

What kind of a dog was it?

Do you remember?

It had rabies.

So when I.

Okay, I'm just remembering the shape of your stories.

Basically, the stories within the story will be insane, and the actual story you're trying to tell will be so mundane that you shouldn't have told it.

Yeah.

Only when I come on this show do I feel like they're insane.

Any other time, it's a normal story.

Well, you might want to re-watch a series of Times dogs.

Dogs, right?

Yes.

They like activity.

Okay.

So it makes sense that a dog would be near a school because there's a lot of footing and ball games.

Right?

So,

anyway, I just noticed that this particular dog is going crazy.

So I go into school and I'm like, please, Lord, don't let the dog get into the school.

You're worried about it.

The next thing I know, this is before

the school bell goes, I'm seeing in the distance various of my friends being chased by this dog.

Right?

Yeah, being chased.

It's got babies.

Now, at the time,

should I put this detail now?

Well,

at the time,

I used to gallop around school.

No one took it seriously, but this shit.

Really?

This shit was...

No one took the galloping kid seriously around school.

Fucking toughness of them are going around school.

I could go so fast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How fast were you galloping compared to the other kids when they were running?

You know,

as a kid, you would think to yourself, if I do anything that could get me bullied, I'll stop it unless it's effective.

This galloping was so effective, I didn't care.

That's how I knew it was fast.

So basically, the bullies couldn't catch up with you, right?

They were like, let's bully you.

What the fuck are you galloping?

Oh, he's gone.

Yeah, there's no point.

Right.

But he was looking at the dog.

We could have caught him.

What?

I'm looking at the dog and I'm like, I know it's going to chase me.

These things always happen to me, right?

Because it's chasing all of your friends.

So, anyway.

So it's already chasing all of your friends.

The dog starts chasing me.

Can you remember the moment when the dog saw you when you knew you were going to get chased?

Oh yeah, because it was chasing a it was chasing a girl this way and then it saw me and switched directions and began chasing me.

This is how I remember it anyway.

And when I was running what I distinctly remember is number one I was galloping.

Number two I needed I needed to get new school shoes because one of my school shoes had torn at the back.

Because of the galloping.

So this dog is this dog.

It's because of the galloping.

Or because of the galloping that you torn your shoes.

Yeah, why didn't they just nail your shoes directly onto your fucking feet?

I used to do a lot of

drugs.

Sports.

I used to do a lot of sports.

Yeah.

Including...

So my shoes had a lot of wear.

I even used to do line dancing.

Can you believe it?

Right?

Oh, wow.

Vaseline or no Vaseline?

Anyway.

Normally at a line dance, you'd be tied to a post outside, wouldn't you?

They dismount you and then go into the little dance.

I'm running away from this dog.

Yep.

And the dog is very nearly catching me.

And I was afraid, because I heard what happened when a dog with rabies bites you, because we had a whole assembly on it.

A whole assembly?

Yeah.

We had we had the only two assemblies I remember is what happens if a dog with rabies bites you and then number two was the Ness Quick Bunny.

Right?

I don't know what to do.

This is a problem I can't keep up.

I've got nothing to say because there's everything to say.

There's no story about the Nest Quick Bunny though.

The assembly, there's a Nest Quick Bunny about the bunny.

You had a whole assembly about the Nest Quick Bunny, muncha.

Everyone in this room is thinking what the assembly was and trying to I would like you to explain how there was two assemblies.

One was what happens if you get bitten by a dog who's got rabies and the other one was the life and the history of the nest bunny

and there's no way anyone else from Zimbabwe has sat there going oh yeah I remember that one no they won't they won't darling wherever this but where did this one take place Zimbabwe well the

thing about the Nesquick bunny story is that I find that very suspicious because they they had the nest quick bunny behind the stage What?

See

the way you said to, oh ladies and gentlemen, Muny Twawa, I walked out, they said, not only are we going to give you free Nesquik, but the Nesquick bunny is behind the stage.

But to get him out, you need to shout his name.

Yeah, Nesquick Bunny.

But the bunny's name was Quickie.

So we just had a room full of kids screaming Quickie, which, in retrospect, that's not cool.

No, it's not cool.

No, it's not cool.

So, hold on.

Do you know who did the voice for the Nesquick bunny?

Mary Muggle.

Mary Murgley's

Prince Andrew.

That's why the Nesquick Bunny never sweats.

You had an assembly that was basically a promo for Nesquick cereal.

Well, yeah, they must have had like a thing with the school.

Yeah.

Right?

Anyway, Nesquick is not bad to drink, is it?

No, it's very good for you.

I'm sure.

So then it makes sense for a school to partner with them.

Was this, sorry, was this Derby or Zimbabwe?

This story?

Oh, this was.

This was Zimbabwe.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In Derby, they don't think outside the box like that.

No.

Yeah, maybe one's too busy up a fucking tree.

By your hookups with quickie

the nest quick story we didn't need to go there so anyway apologies

the point i wanted to tell you because the thing is the maddest thing is the dog story is not even a big story you've now built it up to be this big story but

the punchline is that the punchline is i escaped the dog but it bit the whole bottom of my shoe off

so okay so this is exactly what i predicted would happen yeah

the punchline is

a dog bit the butter bottom of your shoe off.

But along the way there,

your dad has jumped out of a 200-foot tree and stopped a madman.

A pregnant woman has lifted a car.

A pregnant woman has lifted a car.

Yeah, that happened.

Let's not forget that that happened.

The next quick bunny, who we've just discovered, his name is Quickie.

We didn't know that.

Came into your school for an assembly.

The dog had rabies.

You used to frequently gallop everywhere.

But all this to tell us a dog once bit the bottom of your shoe up

which is why it's amazing I'm wearing this shirt that's all I wanted to say yeah yeah

well

welcome to the show menya

oh I'm knackered

yeah me too

So the dog that got eaten in a stew is a different dog.

Alright.

To me, personally,

this dog was always cursed because we got two dogs.

I called mine Charlie from a film called All Dogs Go to Heaven.

You heard you seen that film?

Right.

So, Kiss of Death,

yeah, yeah.

My sister,

my sister called the dog Ginger, which is stupid because it was a black Labrador, right?

So, already I'm thinking, you know, this dog is stupid.

This dog is stupid.

Sorry, I'm thinking, you know, it's cursed.

It's cursed.

Then my sister would do, you know, my sister would do all sorts of weird things like she would polish.

You know, the dogs underneath, they've got these weird, like, little pads.

Yeah, and they're polished.

Yeah, so she would always clean the pads, saying, aren't cleaning the dogs breaks.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I'm like, you know.

So in your family, you're the normal one.

You know what I mean?

We've got to do a podcast with Mooney's entire family.

Not that we've been able to hear his dad.

Hello.

No one ever teaches you what's normal and what's not normal about a dog.

So when I...

When I...

I think some people do teach that sort of stuff.

I think that's actually made very clear what's normal and what's not normal about a dog.

No.

I didn't.

James?

No.

Stand corrected.

I didn't go outside for a whole two weeks because I saw my dog's bona and I didn't know what it was.

Okay.

You know

the pink shit.

I thought it was a disease.

But why could you not go outside?

Why do you have to go outside for it?

You were self-isolating?

No.

I just don't want to want to be near it.

I don't want to catch it.

But wasn't the dog in the house?

Oh no.

No, the dog was outside.

Because it's hot in Zimbabwe.

And you thought if I go outside I'll see the boner again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, so I misheard it.

I thought you said you went outside for two weeks because you saw a dog's boner.

No.

No, I.

Well, you couldn't go outside for two weeks because you saw his dog's boner.

Yeah.

I was traumatized.

Sorry, you know, I...

That makes much more sense.

Here's the real question: and props to the dog.

How did it sustain the boner for two weeks?

There was this pie.

Will it?

Basically, I thought that the dog posed a risk to me because already once it nearly took my life.

Not by biting me, but because one day I walked past the dog.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I look, and you know, my grandparents had been to town, so I had a lot of sweets just kicking about.

They always bought sweets from England.

By the way, Benito just came over and went like that to suggest that the next guest is coming over.

And I went like this.

Yeah.

Ben.

Nothing we can do.

We might as well have just put on one of the Batman films.

I was like, this is like.

No way.

We just started Avengers Endgame.

Well,

Ben, as a producer, I would just say, do you want to bring on a guest before or I tell you my dog was in a stew?

You can't go and I'll tell you why my dog was in a stew when the next guest is in.

We'll hear about your dog being in a stew and then we'll bring up the next guest.

Okay, all right, who I imagine has questions.

This is a quick one.

So I walk past a dog and there's a

there's a skittle on it.

What?

There's a skittle, like a single skittle.

Like the sweet.

The sweet.

Not a bowling pin or something.

This says after you've not looked you.

This is the dog is still alive.

This is after the the boner thing.

This is after the boner thing.

So we've made amends.

And I see the sweet on the dog, and I'm thinking, you know what?

My mum's always saying germs are good for you, whatnot.

So maybe I'll try and eat the Skittle off the dog's back.

So I go to...

Yeah, that's what your mum meant.

Germs are good for you.

Now and again, Munya, eat a sweet off a dog's back.

How is it different?

People say water off a dog's back.

What a duck's back.

So how is it different?

Sweet off a dog's back.

People aren't drinking water off a duck's back.

That's not what the saying is.

The saying is is that water off a duck's back means that people drink the water off a duck's back.

Yeah, and I eat the treat off a dog's back.

Yeah, but that's a good thing.

Yeah, but that's not.

Water off a duck's back is water.

It flows very easily off a duck's back.

You are talking about a dog with a skittle somehow bouncing on a dog's spine.

Yeah, the opposite.

It's the opposite.

If you take the skittle off a dog's back, it's not going to go.

What the?

What are you doing?

It's going to not care.

Give it a duck.

Nothing to do with the duck.

What are you talking about?

Okay, it won't care about the duck.

So you are saying that the phrase water off a duck's back is obviously like, yeah, it doesn't, I don't give a shit.

And you're saying Skittle off a dog's back.

If you are the dog and someone takes a Skittle off your back and you're like, yes, exactly.

Most dogs would actually turn around and try and eat the Skittle.

Actually, I'm going to say that.

I'm going to say if you took a Skittle off a dog's back, it would turn around and be like,

and try and eat it, because that's what dogs do when you've got food.

The point is,

I tried to take the skittle off the dog's back.

Yes.

I was thinking, this shit is stuck down.

Pulled it off, looked at it, I said, you know what?

Actually, no.

Put it down.

It was a tick.

So you can see how I nearly died from that.

Yeah, because

you fell for the age-old trick.

I'm thinking the tick was a skittle and trying to eat it.

Off a dog's back.

Who you were previously scared of because he got a boner.

Continue.

So, which

presumably you thought was a push-pop-that's why you're scared of the bona, yeah.

Anyway, for whatever reason, our dogs always used to jump over the gate, right?

We had a small gate in front of the house, always used to jump over.

One day, the dog jumps over, I can't see it anywhere, right?

So, I climb over the wall and I say to my neighbors, Have you seen my dog?

And they said,

Look, the other neighbors they ate him.

They they the rumour is they put him in a stew

Yeah, man, I I've gigged in derby.

I understand this.

No, no

Zimbabwe

Because if it was a derby my dad would be on the tree saying what are these guys doing

Don't put it in a stew

Your dog jumped the fence

like directly into a pot of stew or

it was a it was going around going around

which is which is sad because you know your your dogs are your first line of defense and then you have not yours

in Zimbabwe we have this thing called a bambooka which is this big stick designed to beat thieves

and my dad actually broke that stick in half yeah, but I ain't gonna tell you that now.

I'm gonna tell you that after the next guest

No, I love it munya does that every time every time but I will not tell you that now

Well, we'll bring the next guest out.

Now, oh, we do have a present for munya, but I'm not sure

what it is or where it is.

I honestly don't really know.

Is it this?

It's just under the closh.

It better be a stickle.

We can't.

I've got no idea what this is, Munya.

Well, it can't be a Skittle, Munya, because we can't...

No, we didn't have to.

We can't edit your present on the fly.

No one predicted that you were going to have tried to eat a tick once because you thought it was a Skittle.

I mean, I'm assuming it was a tick that had the letter S on its back.

Shall I open?

Yeah.

Yeah, going for it.

There's a pot of Vaseline.

Now, that is because you like to line the bathtub with Vaseline and pretend to surf in the bath.

I'll be honest, we also asked for a paddling pool so you could try it out live, and we were told the insurance would not cover it.

Are you ready for another guest?

You're gonna get fucking told off, munja.

One of the OG fan favourites.

OG fan favourites.

Very excited to have her on.

Please welcome Sisoo V.

However you like Sindhu,

can Sindhu sit in the middle?

No, no, I can sit here.

That's easy.

You can sit there.

Far away from me as well.

I have so much to say.

Yeah.

Okay.

First of all, I have been bitten by a dog 13 different dogs 13 times before I was 10.

13 times?

Yeah, 13 times before I was 10.

That's like 1.1 a year.

Correct.

But some of them were several times in a year because as a child I loved dogs.

We lived in the Philippines and there were these gates and then under the gate there would be a little nose, you know, and you'd be like, oh doggy doggy and the dog would be like, ah, and then bite your hand.

And then sometimes I'd say a dog in the road, but doggy doggy.

And the thing is...

Say that 13 times.

No, but then I would have to be taken to the hospital.

And because in the Philippines dogs can have rabies, you'd get 11 shots in your stomach.

And my dad would take me every time and like at some point we would get to the hospital nurse would be like oh yeah you you go there get your shots like it was that common

and it was always so painful to get bitten and then have the shots but what can I say I was a stupid child it's not uncommon.

Were you falling for the same trick every time?

No.

Because my nose was under the gate.

No.

Or were there different ways that the dogs kept getting you?

Yeah, no, sometimes they were just walking by.

Yeah, yeah.

But you had 11 jabs every time.

No, no, because sometimes they were so close I would just get the booster because I just had the 11 shots.

Right?

If I'd say seventh dog, you probably should have been like, I'll probably not.

No, I used to be like, oh, this dog is friendly.

Yeah.

And then the reason I never was bitten the 14th time was

on the 13th time, while my dad was taking me in the evening to the doctor, my mom said to me, Is the faitum gharao met my jan leongi?

Which means she said, This time when you come home, I will kill you

because every time your father's food gets cold, the dinner, and the dogs are exhausted of biting you.

So I will say, you come home today, I will kill you.

So I was like, Oh, she might.

Yeah, she's

another wonderful phrase from you on the podcast, ever since to the hungry man, even the door looks like crisps.

And so she said,

Yeah, and so I was so scared of my mom, I was like, Okay, I'm not gonna get bitten.

So it was 13 times.

So I get it.

Dogs are...

Dogs in the UK are so sane.

You know, they're so sane.

They're like, oh, hi, hi.

And

you can pet them.

And you say, what's your name?

Oh, my name is Ben's dog's called Toast.

Oh, hello, Toast.

But dogs outside, especially in India, dogs will fuck you up.

They're not going to play, you know.

And yeah, so that was one thing I remember.

And I was always fascinated.

Here, you can leave your dogs in the park and they play with each other.

In India, they rip each other to shreds.

So, that your dog story, I was like, Yeah, I know.

You know, I never expected our next guest to come on and say to Munya, Oh, yeah, I agreed with that.

Yeah, yeah, no, no.

I 100% was like, We're about to bring out one of the most logical people that I know.

Munya's about to get torn apart.

You're absolutely right, Munya.

I was bit 13 times.

Yeah, but also,

our neighbors lost their dog, and my mother was like, Oh, the opposite side neighbors ate it.

She said,

they have eaten it.

And I was like, really?

She said, ha ha, some people eat the dogs.

She said, ha ha.

Ha ha.

Ha ha means yes, yes.

Oh, okay.

Ha ha means yes, yes.

I thought that was the meanest person.

Ha ha, somebody ate your dog.

Goodbye.

Your mum's Nelson Muntz.

But also, she was like, so sure.

And then we had two dogs, and I always kept them secret from the lady opposite because I didn't want my dogs to be in a stew.

And also we're vegetarian so we couldn't even have

some stew.

My stories are normal, but you two, you gaslight me.

Well, I don't, I have to say,

no, I have to say, talk about gaslighting.

200-foot trees and dads jumping out, please, please.

But you know, when you're young, you give your parents superpowers, and that's cute.

No, he taught me that.

Of course he did.

Of course he did.

Do you know how high 200-foot is?

I went on a ride at Olton Towers with just 200 foot.

Yeah.

And I understand that that might seem implausible, but for example, if you were to catch the random branch on the way down each time, you know, you reduce the momentum.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I'm not saying that he fell down a completely branchless tree.

No, you're saying he didn't.

You're saying your dad went do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Landed on his feet, beat up a madman, and took you home, right?

Yeah, he had his nest quick that day.

Yeah.

You're saying that that your dad is Spider-Man.

Yeah.

Well, why is he always changing his names then?

And also, we have a stick that you use to beat up bad people and all that, and it's called Lati.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just FYI.

How big was this?

Because my mother used to say, Lati Nikaloo, shall I take out the Lati?

Then you say, no, no, I'll do my homework.

What does that translate as?

Shall I take out the Lati?

Shall I take out the stick we used to kill people?

And you say, no, I'll do my homework.

That's what it translates as.

Shall I take out the stick we used to kill people?

Yeah.

Indian mothers, they don't play.

Indian mothers and Indian dogs neither play.

They'll fuck you up.

How many times have you been bitten by Indian mothers?

Never.

Although, now that you're bringing me out of the gate, my cousin baby did bite people all the time.

My cousin baby, who lives in Bangalore, and I'm going to tell her to listen to this.

She's called baby.

She's like 48, but we call her baby because she's young.

And she was younger than all of us.

Anyway, she used to bite people, like it was a thing, she would just bite people, and then it became really fun.

I used to have to go to the post office with my parents, and we would take baby with us

because she bit people, yeah.

And then we would hold on to her, and we would, and she hadn't bitten anyone all day, she was getting crazy,

and we would take her, and then we'd say, Baby, baby, after we'd done our work, me and my cousins, that guy, and she would dash and bite them, and then we would run out of the post office.

And this is a 48-year-old woman.

No, no, she was like, I don't know, nine or ten, but so much biting.

No, no, she was young, but she was a biter.

Yeah, she sounds like a biter.

Yeah, big biter.

Mind development is going, bite that person.

Also, if it was in the post office, if it wasn't a very busy day, would she have to go all the way around the queue before she picked them?

No, she didn't care.

She was like a man.

You know, what's that thing, the Tasmanian devil?

Yeah, Tasmanian.

Yeah, she would just go,

run through people, push them, push them, but you had to tell her the guy the guy with the blue shirt and she would go and she'd bite them here

and then run We laughed.

It was it was really fun.

You know like some kids made prank calls we used to send baby to bite people

This is my favorite moment I think of the whole evening and it went large largely unnoticed is the two of you are so much on the same page in the same wavelength.

There's a point where you went you know that Tasmanian devil that goes round and when you really seriously went task yeah

had his had his microphone down here listening to Cindu's story and just yeah Taz yeah

Taz

also

everyone else when you said you know that Tasmanian devil that goes round and round everyone else thought oh yeah like the literal animal that gets called a Tasmanian devil munya thought oh she's referring to the looney toons character I'm referring to the looney toons character

Taz, yes.

We booked this line up in the second half for you to come out and provide some logical balance, Cindu, and it's

not paid off.

We deliberately were like, we'll get out Monya.

He'll tell you stories that make no sense.

Cindu will come out and absolutely break it all down.

No, but I mean, there's some parts of those stories that are very real to me.

So,

you know.

What about the eating tick off a dog's back because he thought it was a schedule?

I mean, all children are allowed to be stupid.

That's fine.

You know, I mean, and I suppose if you're used to...

The thing is, what I really appreciate is he didn't eat it.

Yeah.

You know, because a lot of kids would be like, there are no, you know, Skittles sometimes are not so squishy, but let me try.

Yeah.

But he didn't do that.

Yeah, actually, Michael, we should have given you props.

But my friend Michael Pun ate rabbit poo once because we told him it was Malteses.

There you go.

I would have survived because

my body can avoid poisoning.

You know, okay, think about it.

Think about it.

What are I saying?

Ticks are not poisonous.

Ticks are not poisonous.

How do you know that?

Because we had dogs that had ticks and they didn't die.

Yeah, but they...

Ed.

No.

But they don't eat the ticks.

They have a lot of people.

I'm just going for a way to do it.

The ticks eat them.

And the poison would have gone in.

Okay, anyway, Ed, you're going to want to hear this.

Ed, come back.

Oh.

You know, like when I told you about there was a time that I drank a cocktail that had almonds in it, I survived, right?

13 times.

I'm allergic to nuts.

Oh, right.

Nuts.

That makes more sense.

You've got to preface it with that, Munya, otherwise, it doesn't make any sense.

I've eaten nuts maybe like, you know, a different like almonds, hazelnuts, peanuts, maybe like 13 times in my life.

Yeah, same as you can.

Now, maybe you're not allergic.

No, no, I.

Perhaps.

This is what we thought it would be like.

Here we go.

Because now you see what you're going to do.

I went to the house.

I forgot about Nish has turned into a pitch for someone else's chap show.

Yeah, I mean, clearly, clearly, everyone wants to see this podcast.

By the way, can I...

No, but can I just say in my defense, in the first half, I was like, oh, food podcast, blah, blah, blah.

I kept listening, and suddenly it was like Nish was like, I have a lot of movement.

And then Rosie came under honking her breasts.

I said, what the fuck is going on here?

So I put on my AirPods and listened to some other shit.

So where's the food chat?

Yeah, but we're talking about food, because nuts.

Oh.

I know.

Skittles and nuts.

I know I'm allergic.

I didn't saw a Skittle, but it was a techie.

I didn't eat it.

Because in Tunisia, I ate a nutty ice cream and I hummed my throat open.

Oh, yeah.

So.

Because it was closing up when you went long.

I hummed.

To keep it going.

To keep it going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

James.

What's your cook?

I get that.

No, because then if it's like a movement, it's still opening and closing.

I'm allergic.

But the thing is, I was afraid to use an EpiPen, which is how I developed my resistance to nuts.

We're not even paying attention now.

Ed.

Guys, you guys, you have to listen to this.

Numb additives.

So...

Okay, James, take a seat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, man, I am listening.

Cheers, bro.

So you had an allergic reaction to

it.

So.

Even.

So even I don't get any.

Okay.

So

there's nuts in it.

I didn't use it.

I didn't use an EpiPen because I misinterpreted what an EpiPen did.

So that's why whenever I ate nuts, I had to just find my own way of coping because I thought

it wasn't.

They don't say you thought an EpiPen gave you an epileptic.

no no no okay thank God someone said an EpiPen is full of adrenaline right now what that does is when you inject yourself it then makes you throw up okay so I've heard I thought when you inject yourself with it you become powerful like you become super strong and like go into a rage and jump off trees 200 feet

so I didn't know what would happen to me if I injected myself in a public place and from fear of that I just never used it and that's how I became immune to nuts.

If you have EpiPen, use it, but until maybe last year, I thought that you know it could cause chaos.

Just, I mean, I know I don't need to do this, but please know that everything Munya says is complete fucking bullshit.

Don't anyone follow this.

Yeah, but also,

but also, it seems in Zimbabwe they neither explain dogs nor EpiPens.

Because he said, oh, they didn't teach us what was about dogs.

They only taught him about Nesquick and if a dog with radies bites you.

They didn't teach him about dog boners.

What's your Christmas light, Cinder?

So for the record,

I absolutely love Christmas so much.

Yes, I love it so much.

It's a fantastic time of the year leading up to Christmas.

Just in last year I learned the term crimbo.

I love that.

Happy crimbo.

It's a good term.

I learned that from Becca who works with me.

Anyway, happy Krimbo.

So I love Christmas.

I've always loved Christmas.

Because in India, everyone has Christmas, and there's Christmas trees.

And there's, as I've mentioned before, there's Santa Claus in India, but he's not quite like your Santa Claus here.

Because I mean, it's a kind of a foreigner Santa Claus, you know.

First of all, not fair at all.

So wears a lot of powder because he has to look fair like in the books.

And then they sweat and it runs down their face.

It's not very convincing to a child.

And you know, sometimes it goes in their eyes and then sometimes it goes in their mouth and you meet them, they're saying, maddie,

Christmas.

It's like, no.

Also, not fat and jolly.

Because in India, if you take the Santa job, you're probably not fat.

You

need the job, so you're quite thin.

So, yeah, it's not a very convincing Santa, but it's Santa, and we have our Santa, and we have our Christmas trees, and it's great.

And then now I'm married to a Scandinavian.

Yes.

And they have proper Christmas.

They have candles on their Christmas tree and a bucket of water nearby.

But anyway, they have this.

So, and I love it.

And we have a very traditional Danish Christmas with very traditional Danish Christmas food.

What's traditional Danish Christmas food?

It's either a turkey or a goose, depending on whether you apparently, I don't...

Until 2020, I didn't eat meat, so I didn't understand any of this.

It was like, it's a bird, and my mother-in-law has her hand up a bird, whatever, who knows.

But turkeys, if you like to be healthy, and goose has more fat, I believe.

It's that.

It's savory potatoes and it's caramelized potatoes, which I have mentioned on your podcast in the past.

That's very important.

It's two side salads.

One of them has chicory.

I don't know what the other one has.

I don't like salad.

I haven't paid attention to it much.

No.

And then it's very important: the dessert.

It's called Reese Allemande.

And it's rice.

It's a French name.

It's rice and cream and almonds and it's like a sweet pudding.

Yeah, I'm out.

Yeah, that's fine, because you're not allergic, so you'll be fine.

We'll see.

Anyway, and then

hum the rest of Christmas day.

You'd be fine.

Yeah, exactly.

You'd just be like,

anyway, you'd just do jingle bells in your throat.

But in the Reese Alamand is a whole almond.

And you eat this thing, and the family member that gets the whole almond takes it out and they get a present.

So when I first got married, it was fine, blah, blah, blah.

I was very competitive.

I wanted to wish, you know, and I tried to cheat, and apparently, that's not good.

I got my own almond, and I was like,

and my mother-in-law was so disappointed.

But then, when we had kids, it's like, oh, the kids should win.

And it's like, that's not how the real world works.

You know, and then my mother, the first Christmas she joined, of course she cheated.

Because, you know, it's like you want to win.

And she was always so happy.

The kids would cry.

My mother would be like, I won.

And she would say, they have to learn what is the real world.

If you don't get almond, you're a loser.

Anyway,

so you have to get the almond and then you get a prize.

And it's a huge thing.

So what you do is you take massive servings.

That's how I found out I was lactose intolerant.

Honestly, that's how I found out.

Because I just ate so much to win.

Did you try humming?

No, no, I didn't have that.

I just,

it was terrible afterwards, you know.

Diarrhea?

Yeah, I mean, but I'm Indian, so I have quite a steel stomach.

So it wasn't quite diarrhea, but it was a lot of...

Nish would love this, just farting.

He would love it.

Yeah, he would love it.

Nish would love it.

But anyway, so that's Risalamonde is a big part of it.

And then you have two or three different kinds of Christmas biscuits, smoke hair and the ones, and brunke, and so, and that's it.

And then you have marzipan gol, which is marzipan bread.

So it's marzipan with

what is it, nouga?

So it's nouga wrapped in marzipan wrapped in melted chocolate.

Oh my god.

Let's talk about that for a bit longer.

That sounds great.

It's so good.

It's more dangerous to me than a sniper on the opposite house.

Yes.

Yes.

No, no,

this is not the meal for

real diabetics.

For fake nut allergy, it's fine.

But for real diabetics, it's not the meal.

I don't think it's fake.

I think that it's not real.

Anyway.

But what I will say is this.

As a vegetarian, when I joined the family, it was like, well, what am I going to have for my main course?

They were very concerned.

So the second year, I remember my husband's aunt, they were very concerned because it's a a formal meal.

She made something called a nut loaf.

Why are you nodding, Munya?

That should be the exact thing that you shake your head at.

I have avoided it many times.

Yes, but I have to be honest.

I ate that nut loaf and I wished I had a nut allergy because it was, I mean, I'm sorry, but nut loaf, what are you trying to do?

It's dry, right?

No, it's horrible.

There's lots, there's too much going on that's wrong.

Yes.

So I didn't do nut and then I would try and do my own things.

Like, you know, I made mac and cheese for myself one year and it just didn't fit in with the formal meal.

So they were a bit like mac and cheese.

And then another year I tried Indian food, just took over the flavors so badly on the table.

But now I just eat extra potatoes.

Extra potatoes.

And also in 2020 I started eating chicken.

Why?

Why did you suddenly start eating chicken after a lifelong being a veggie?

Well, in the beginning of 2020, before we knew what it was, I got very bad COVID.

Very, very bad.

And we didn't really know what COVID was yet.

I mean, people were just fighting for toilet paper in little, you know.

They didn't really understand what was going on.

Kodotais.

Yeah.

And I got it very badly.

And it was very, and I couldn't eat.

And it was just bad.

But then all my Indian aunts were like, you know, they were giving all those Indian things, like just have tamarind and hot water.

That was not helping COVID at all.

But then one of my friends, she's Jewish, she came over with chicken soup and she said, I know it's not for your religion, this, that.

But at that point, everyone was getting very worried, including my doctor.

She said, just drink this.

And, you know, I had a word with myself, and as a Hindu, it's very hard for me to eat meat.

But I was like,

you know, I mean, it kind of is better than dying.

It kind of is.

It's just probably, and I have kids, and I don't, it's too soon.

So I drank this chicken soup, and it worked.

I wasn't throwing it up and stuff.

So then I drank chicken soup.

And then after a few days, I thought, if you're drinking chicken soup, you can't say you're not eating chicken.

And so I started eating chicken.

So just going to summarise this half so far.

Don't take your EpiPan, it'll cure your nut allergy.

And chicken soup cures COVID.

Cindy, we've got a gift for you, but

I think you've had quite a lot of your gift already, I'll be honest.

Oh, is this the gift?

No, no, no, that's not the gift.

There is a separate gift.

That's part of the gift.

Absolutely delicious.

Yeah.

He's not lying to me.

I'm not messing around.

And that's just the standard corner.

I've got to be very careful with this one, I'm being told.

I have no memory once again of what this is.

So excited.

What am I doing?

Because it's going to take a while to get there.

Just a little chat we were all having backstage.

At one point in his life,

Munya was on Tinder for a year and he got so few matches that he emailed the software company to see if it was working.

If only that was the end of the story.

He then created a new profile to test if it was his profile that was glitching, a fake profile for himself, and gave himself the name Andre Milke.

But do you not think that's weird, really?

No, no, no, okay.

Do you think

Andre Milky?

Andre, Andre, let's.

It's White Russians.

It's White Russians with a new

dream drink on the podcast.

Perfect for Andre.

This is great.

Thank you.

Very milky.

This is a beverage of love for me.

Yeah, you love it.

No, I don't.

Yes, but I also drank it first time with this boyfriend I had, who I love deeply, who's now my husband.

So, yeah, whatever.

But at the time, you know, we're still in boyfriend phase, so it was like,

when, and it's great, and then they become your husband, and after a while, you're like, meh.

But anyway, this still is my love drink, so thank you.

To love, it's a love drink, so much.

To love.

Munya that that's almond milk start humming right

so good bad luck oldest trick in the books sucker

our final guest of the evening our final guest is coming out

another fan favourite another fan fave a more recent fan favourite

referring to himself as a fan favourite in public every time we've seen him he has referred to himself as a fan favourite to our faces but rightly so please welcome to the stage

Tim K!

Tim Key.

Here we all are.

The famous five.

Famous five.

Imagine us like trying to solve a mystery.

Oh, yeah.

We haven't got time.

Now, I had a dog.

Yeah.

I'd like to imagine you with a dog.

No.

No, got stolen.

Yeah.

Well, I think Eaton.

Someone in the village, Jane from Jane's Frames.

Jane from Jane's Frames.

You think Jane ate it?

To be honest, honest, I don't think she did eat it, no.

I never had a dog, but anyway.

But also, I don't think English people eat dogs.

I don't think you need a dog.

No, I don't think they eat dogs.

I mean, there are cultures where they eat dogs because they're like, it's an animal, but I don't think English people eat dogs.

It's still an animal here, I think.

Is it an animal?

Dog?

Yeah, but it's not an edible animal here.

You seem like a very friendly dog.

If you were like in an animated film.

In like an animated film.

You'll be in in a second.

You could do that in an animated film.

I just take that on face value.

That's a very kind compliment.

Thank you.

Do you know what you'd be in an animated film?

Gone.

Careful.

Lovely hippo?

Yeah, I take that.

Causing mayhem?

That's nice.

Yeah, it is.

Is this the same film that has a friendly dog and a lovely hippo causing mayhem in it?

Same universe, different film.

Yeah.

Tim, do you want to let us all know what we'd be in an animated film?

James would be like an ostrich.

I think he said Tim.

Who gives a fuck what animal you think James would be?

Actually, we'll get James out of the way.

Rat.

Weird, sorry.

Weird.

Mouse, thank you.

Weird rat.

I think, I think, can I just say, I know he's asked you, but I think James would be an ostrich.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

I had you down as the ostrich Sindhu.

He had me down as an ostrich.

Not the ostrich.

James the rat.

Munya, I forget what it was.

Hippo.

Lovely hippo.

And so we come to a head.

I genuinely think in this movie, it's not a criticism.

You'd be a human.

Yeah.

Weird farmer.

Soupkeeper.

You're absolutely spot on.

Alcoholic.

If you were in Alvin the Chipmunks, you'd be Dave.

I didn't realise that that was the most insulting thing you could have picked.

In an animated film where everyone gets an animal, I'm a human.

Yes, wearing your little boiler suit.

Fucking old.

So, not a main part.

Who am I?

Yeah, just

deep, deep, deep background.

So, I'm one of the guys working at the chicken factory in Chicken Run.

Yeah, I don't think they've got one of the main animators to do you.

Traine.

Oh, don't whoop that, mate.

Hey, you whoop away.

It's Christmas.

If you agree with it, whoop it.

Hello, Tim.

Hello, James.

What's in the back?

Pop-adoms.

How many pop-a-doms do you got?

Ten.

Ten.

Do you want to guess how much they cost?

Oh, that's a good game.

Good game.

Well, just guess them.

$4.99.

What?

What?

$4.99 for $7.

What the fuck are you talking about?

So

in the curry house I go to, they go, I'll tell you what, I'll do nine of them for 50p a piece.

And I'll tell you what, I'll throw in a tenth for 49.

I thought you got them for Martin Spencer.

Well, I think anything.

Good point.

250.

Can I jump in and say something for this podcast?

Because I love it dearly, and I think there's a genuine love of food and food curiosity.

That's all you're going to say.

And for this audience, may I just say one thing?

Yes.

For the people listening to this, it's fine if you want to call them pop-a-dums.

I don't mind, I think it's fine because that is the English word.

So, no, not the alternative, the correct.

So, for those of you who are like, oh, I like this food so much, I eat papadums all the time,

just do yourself a favor and call them the real thing, you know.

It's papad.

P-A-P-A-D.

It's just papad.

And you can't say

because that's a sound only South Asians can make, but just say papad.

Because here's the thing.

I see British people love

papad.

And then they say papadum, and I'm like, oh.

Because I feel bad for them.

So just everyone on this podcast, just say papad.

Or in your head, just think it, say, it's papadum, but I know it's papa.

I'll be honest with you, Cindy.

You said this when you came on the podcast, and it was too late to change the catchphrase.

And then we went to America, and no one understood what the fuck we were saying anyway.

But that's America, they don't understand.

Fuck all.

Fuck them.

Fuck them.

They don't understand.

They don't even understand who to get for president.

They got that lunatic.

Fuck them.

I like Joe Biden.

It's popper.

Wait, so we added on the dom.

No, first of all, you put an O in it, pop.

Pop.

Popper Dom.

It's like what?

It's like if I call bread boda boda.

Bread is not boda boda.

It's bread.

What's the alt thread?

How about this?

I...

How about this?

How about this, James?

There's no downside to it.

How about you just fucking do it?

Where's the downside?

Poppard or bread.

Yeah, poppard.

Perfect.

But what if I said poppad or buddha buddha?

Yeah, fine.

But you know what?

I just want to make it very clear.

I'm saying this from a place of true

sort of love for people who love food.

You know what I mean?

Like my kids make fun of me.

They say, oh,

when you speak to your Italian Italian friend, instead of calling him Lorenzo, you're like Lorenzo.

They make fun of me.

And I'm not asking you to be that weird guy.

I'm just saying, for us who know, just say papad.

No, there's no downside.

I'll tell you what.

Or start calling Brad whatever.

Okay, but

I would feel like a total dick in an Indian restaurant if I looked to the menu that says Papadom and look at the waiter and go, Three papad, please.

No, because you know what the Indian guy is going to be thinking?

Hella fucking Luya.

Finally, somebody.

Well, I I promise you, Cindy, this is a promise now.

We've recorded quite a few episodes for the next series.

But the next episode we record, I will say pot or bread to them.

I'll shout that.

And we will see how it goes.

Say how it goes.

I promise you, I will do it the next episode.

And we'll see how it goes.

Because saying a word the way that it's supposed to be said and it's not your language is not always something that's done with an intention outside of love for that that thing, you know?

And I think we know you love Papar.

Yes.

So say it, Papur, and that's fine.

And anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's what I brought along.

Can I just jump in on behalf of Zimbabwe?

You know, when you say still or sparkling?

No.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Just call it what it is, yeah?

Still.

And then as Zimbabwe would say, maniac water.

Maniac water.

Maniac water.

I'll do that.

You have my word, munja.

The next episode we record.

This is genuinely like a Christmas tree.

Do you want to have in your culture?

Because yeah, I would like to add something from my culture, James.

Yeah.

When you say starter, we tend to say aux d'oeuvre.

Au fucking d'oeuvre.

There's no downside.

Just get it fucking right.

Welcome to the show, Tim.

Thanks for having me.

For a minute there, it felt like you genuinely turned up to a Christmas party late and you just stood in the corner with your first drink while people had an argument

for two and a half hours.

Do you like Christmas, Tim?

Yeah.

Do you like it?

What's your problem with Christmas?

Huh?

What's your problem with Christmas?

My problem, no problem.

We unveil the poppadoms.

What?

A veil?

Unveil them.

Unveil.

Yes.

But, Ed, do you like Christmas?

I love Christmas.

Yeah.

I never got asked that.

I'm about to get to you.

Relax.

Did you like Christmas?

I'll be honest, there wasn't much of a fucking gap in your bit.

Do you like Christmas?

Yeah.

Yeah, do you like Christmas?

It's okay.

It's okay.

Good.

But we all are on the okay side of Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A little bit.

Yeah, I like Christmas.

Tim,

what bag did you bring your pop-adoms in there?

Good paper bag.

That says Jojo Maman Bepe.

Yeah.

So, just in case anyone doesn't know what that shop is, it's maternity, baby, and child, nursery, and toys.

They sell pop-adoms?

What's the story?

What's the story behind that bag, Tim?

What you got that bag for, mate?

Toys are very dirty on the bottom.

Yeah,

very dirty on the bottom.

Like a baby.

So it's basically a case of where to get the bag and explain the dirt.

Rather than constructing my menu this time.

Oh, yeah, no menu.

No menu.

No menu this time.

Oh, I bought a

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,

you know, baby, what is it called?

Baby, baby grown.

A baby grown.

Yeah, for my goddaughter, Esther.

Lovely.

Yeah.

That's quite sweet.

How did a bag get so dirty?

And then I, oh, yeah, I wiped my ass and scraped it on the bottom.

That's my humour.

That's perfect stuff for me.

Perfect.

Now, Tim, you brought the puppad

because, okay?

Fantastic.

Because it was a big chat.

The craze that was spreading the nation.

Yeah.

Shall I be mother?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Big fans of Shall I Be Mother?

Look, Look, you said it was a fan favourite and it truly is a fan favourite.

Do I explain Shall I Be Mother to the people who haven't heard the other?

Well weirdly, no, I don't because when you made up a Shall I Be Mother it had nothing to do with me

You pinned it onto me James

You two hatched a plan to make me be a person who says Shall I be mother and karate chops pop a doms but

In actual real life, I don't do that.

I think it sounds like exactly the kind of thing you would do.

Oh, I wouldn't do it.

I think it's a bit of a fit.

Well, it fits in.

I'm not saying it doesn't fit in, but I don't do it.

That's like someone being, you know, arrested for murder and then they go, did you do this one?

Actually, they might have done, but, you know, you've got to do the research.

Research?

Research.

Detective work.

But then.

You've listened back to it.

You are the one who.

You've listened back to it.

Yeah.

Wowie.

Yours?

Bit sad.

Yours I listen back to, Tim?

You listen back.

Fun favourite.

Do you have listening parties?

I think you'll start to believe you're in hype.

You are the one who brings up shallow be mother as a phrase, then.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'm pointing at James there.

Ah, right.

Look at people when they're talking to you, Ter.

Yeah.

I bring it up and I genuinely in the moment believed that Tim would have said it.

Yes.

That's not in dispute.

So I think it was fine to say you said it.

I think it was fine to say that I once saw you karate chopper poppet off and say, shall I be mother?

Poppet.

Here's the question Time.

Since the podcast.

Do you want me to help, Cindy?

Pass it here.

Pass it here.

I can sort this.

I see what you did to that back.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Pass it here, pass it.

Right.

You take a poppet off an Indian woman and say, shall I help?

I will do it.

That's called colonisation.

No, I'm not colonis.

No, dear, you come here, I can sort of.

I promise I'm not colonising you.

What I'm doing is, I'm just saying, shall I be mother?

Shall I be mother?

You know,

just so everyone knows,

just so everyone knows, in 1757, when the British showed up, they said, we're not colonizing you, and then they did that.

That's what happened.

57.

I looked down as 50.

Is it 57?

1757 Battle of Plasma.

That's when it started.

I believe they screamed.

Shall I be mother?

Yeah, and they said, shall I be mother?

Wow.

Three minutes to six.

There was a lot of chat about your favourite Indian restaurant.

Favourite Indian restaurant, yeah.

And you would not reveal the name on the podcast.

If you announce it here tonight,

we will bleep it on the actual podcast perfect but these people will hear it will you reveal yeah

you're definitely gonna bleep it we'll bleep it on

the first but so these guys can go yeah it's a mere 2500 people they're not all gonna go okay so we're gonna get the name out there

I like going to this place

yeah

it's really busy

You can't just invite 18,000 people.

Come in.

Have you been to this place?

You've not told me the name of it.

You refuse to tell us the name of it.

Okay, and you're going to bleep it.

We'll bleep it.

We'll bleep it.

What is this?

It's an Indian restaurant, and it's the best Indian restaurant in London.

And sometimes they have a sitar player.

It's fantastic.

Oh, okay.

Oh, no.

Hold on,

Sindley's not going, so it's $17,999 now.

It's fantastic.

The guy who runs it is phenomenal and

he always gets us in there.

If you are going to go, go.

But go

gently.

You can't say a restaurant's fantastic because the owner always gets you in there.

That's the basics of a restaurant, I think.

Do you want to know it or not?

Yes.

Masala zone.

Fuck off, Tim.

Don't do this to me.

I do need to know.

I know what it is.

Yeah, nice and...

oh yeah, just whisper to each other now.

He knows.

I just told him to nod.

Well, I did nod.

I did my acting.

Been in any fun lifts lately, Tim?

Uh, yeah.

When Tim came on the podcast, he went on a lift that, what was it called?

Paternoster lift.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, here we go.

In Sheffield.

Yes, yes, in Sheffield.

In Sheffield!

Fucking finally!

Telling Telling these guys, these twats don't have a fucking clue.

I've seen it.

Yeah.

Ever seen anyone pull a neck oil out of a Jojo Mama Beber bag?

Have you been on it?

100%.

And it's so dangerous.

100%.

I love 100%.

So dangerous.

Because there's no mechanism, there's no emergency stop.

So if you happen to have very long legs

and one leg goes on and keeps going up, it can be broken between the wall and the lift.

It can and it will.

yeah oh you can

ask them to explain it to you sorry sorry is this an elevator yeah

why are your legs going up and down that's only half the story no no but why are your legs going up because you might you might go oh there's a lift and you put one leg you

wait wait wait you might say there's a lift and put one leg what are you doing you have to step into it just in case anyone wants the definition of optimism bonito just appeared at the door and said there's five minutes left okay no so is this a lift in a building?

Yes.

Always in a building.

Okay, so this is a lift?

Okay.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

So

this is a lift in a building in Sheffield.

And somehow to organize yourself to get inside, you need to use your leg.

Well, you would.

I think the phrase that Amunia didn't use was step into the lift.

Oh, so you need to step into the lift.

Most journeys start with a single step.

Dude, I get that.

But why do your long legs matter?

Why do your long legs matter?

This is a lift that is two

sort of cubicles, elevators,

constantly rotating on a belt system.

Oh, thank you, Eddie.

It goes round and round and round, and you need to step in at the right point when it goes past your floor and get off at the right point.

And the reason it's more easy to tall people is, as a short person, if my leg goes in first, generally there's not enough of it, so my whole body goes in with it.

As a tall person, fragments of your leg can go in first.

Fragments of my fucking legs.

I have extremely long legs.

I'm

and I have never put fragments of my leg into anything.

But anyway, it wasn't funny.

You know, Cindy's body follows her legs, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, but yeah, your whole leg went ahead of me.

Yeah, because I was doing an impression of the exact thing you're talking about.

Anyway, I've been in it and survived, so you can't tell me, you know, how to survive it.

You survived a lot.

Dude, you survived nuts with a nut allergy.

You're amazing.

And may I ask you a question, Monique?

Yeah.

In your

Patanosta career, why were you there by the way?

Did you study in Sheffield?

I studied psychology.

Right, yeah.

What?

Psychology.

Psychology.

Psychology.

You would have made you in yourself.

You're like a Batman villain who took on too much of his patience stuff.

I think you're a really nice chat show host.

Yeah, thank you.

Were you in the arts tower then?

All the time.

Yeah, sure.

That was my thrills.

My thrills.

So, I mean, when you're a student and you're broke, you talk about struggle meals.

There were days I was going back.

You know, I remember I told you I ate porridge with Vimpto.

That's how I was.

Yeah, sorry.

Thanks for leaning around.

Tim's fully turned his back to me, even though I'm one of the hosts of this.

Anyway, I've been in that lift because it's an easy thrill.

Yeah, lovely thrill.

It's an easy thrill.

It's an easy thrill if your legs don't follow your body and fragments of them have to follow away.

And if you're short, you go head first, yes.

It's an easy thrill if you can get all of the fragments on.

Exactly.

It's an easy thrill if you're a slinky.

I don't know what would happen if you put a slinky on a patanosta.

It's

a slinky.

This is the Christmas dinner party off menu.

And it really now feels like the end of an actual Christmas dinner party.

Except for the fact that two and a half thousand people sat in front of us and we are all going.

But

I guess my problem with that,

Ed, is

I don't think I would usually use the term Christmas dinner party.

Would you not?

No, it's Christmas Day, and you have Christmas dinner.

You don't say let's have a Christmas dinner party.

Yeah, fair enough.

But we're not going to say this is Christmas Day, are we?

What?

Now, Munio.

Fucking hell.

You're joking.

In your career on the Padanosta lift,

did you ever go over the top and come back down?

You know what?

I never had the courage.

No, no, no.

Because

what holds you when you're going over the hump?

What?

Fucking gravity, Munya.

Same as when you're...

Walking over a fucking hill

when you're in a plane.

What do you mean what holds you?

You know what I'm saying, though?

Yeah, it's...

But it's not Willy Wonka, mate.

This host.

Paternoscalus.

What holds you when you're going over the top, Tim?

Do you know?

I think there might be a grain of truth in gravity.

Did you do it?

Just the twice.

How'd it feel?

Dicey.

Tim, we got your present, but

I don't know how it's going to feel.

Now, Tim, I'll be honest.

I feel slightly heartbroken by this present.

We were so excited.

You ready?

Yep.

Yep, there you go.

Shall I be mother?

Please.

We didn't know you were going to bring your own.

Damn, mate.

Here we go.

You might want to shield your eyes in the front if you're not wearing glasses.

To signify the first ever paparro bread.

Yes.

Here we go.

Oh, lovely.

Do you want to say it?

Paparo bread!

Paparo bread, Jim Kate.

Paparo bread.

Shall I be mother?

Yes, please.

Oh my.

Fucking hell.

Disintegrated it.

Look at that.

Honestly, are you the incredible Hulk?

That is fucking insane.

Turn it to dust.

Thank God we rented these four carpets

because the poor hay Dougie sack would be ruined.

How have you done that?

That is incredible.

Absolutely.

You saw hell.

Fucking hell, man.

How have I done that?

One step away from being a smoothie.

Well,

what I did was

I did it at home, made them into crumbs, and then

so they were ready to go.

No, you didn't.

No, you know what it is?

Indian moms, Indian dogs, and Tim.

They don't fuck around.

That's that.

That's what it is.

Absolutely.

Wow.

Well, that feels like an appropriate place to end the dinner party.

Thank you so much for coming to this, the longest dinner party.

You've been an absolutely incredible audience.

Thank you so much.

Let's have it again for Timkey.

Magnyachiwawa.

Zinduvi.

And Ed Gamble.

James A.

Castle.

You get a white Russian.

Who would like that?

There we go.

We'll need that glass back.

The great Benita Princeton from home.

Thank you very much.

Have an amazing Christmas.

Thank you so much, Nadia.

Well, there we are.

The off-menu Christmas dinner party live recorded at the South Bank Centre.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for coming.

Best of the Year is on its way.

Best of the Year episodes coming very soon.

Have some nice food at Christmas.

Yes, we're recording this outro live right now.

So Ed and I are in our different families' Christmas homes.

Yeah,

it's awful.

It's ruining the Christmas dinner.

People are very angry with me.

Yeah, they hate it.

Bye.

Goodbye, Chris.

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