Ep 175: Alex Horne (Christmas Special)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

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Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, wrapping the chipolata of giggles in the bacon of the internet.

Jingle bells, that's Ed Gamble, a Christmas miracle.

My name is James Acaster.

A pick in a blanket.

And this is Off Menu Podcast.

We own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every single week.

We ask them their favorite ever start and main course dessert, cider shan drink, not in that order.

Sometimes if it's a Christmas episode, we ask them their dream Christmas meal.

And this week, our guest is...

Alex Alex Horn.

Little Alex Horn, of course.

It's been a long time coming.

Yeah, yeah, much requested, Alex Horne.

Of course, the assistant on Taskmaster, the creator of Taskmaster.

The brain.

The brain, the real, the true brain.

The big brain.

He's put us through our paces, so now we get to flip it around.

Yeah, we get to put him through his paces.

I've got to be honest, Alex is a lovely man, an absolute comedy genius.

I think within the next decade, we'll see him approaching National Treasure Territory.

Here's what I'd say.

I'm fairly sure this menu is going to be absolute dog shit.

Yes, I'd say he doesn't think about food at all.

No.

He just eats whatever is around that he's meant to be eating.

You've seen all the disgusting things he puts in his mouth on Taskmaster without hesitation and doesn't seem to really care.

Yeah.

You know, I've been around him when he eats and he just pretty much just eats what the crew's eating.

He's not putting any thought into it.

No.

I don't think we're...

we're strapping in for a gourmet

sort of force here.

Definitely not.

He's eaten some pretty bad stuff in the past.

But that's not to say it's not going to be a wonderful, entertaining Christmas episode.

He's a Christmas man.

Yeah, he seems Christmassy.

I think he's a Christmas man.

Yeah, I think you can picture him with a little Santa hat on and it doesn't feel weird.

I bet his kids have a lovely Christmas.

I bet they do, actually, apart from dinner.

Oh, dinner would be awful.

Yeah, but everything else is fine.

The games would be fun, I imagine.

Yeah, games would be fun.

Lots of little tasks.

Christmas tasks.

Yeah.

Well,

let's see, I guess.

We'll ask him.

However, Ed, even though it's Christmas, if Alex Horn says a secret ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable, we will chuck him out of the Dream Restaurant.

And I think we'd love to do that, you and I.

I'd really enjoy it.

I'd love to trick him.

I'd love to trick him.

He's tricked us before.

Doesn't feel good.

Maybe we can trick him.

So this week, the secret ingredient is his own beard.

His own beard.

Alex Horn.

He's eaten it already, so he might put it on his dream meal.

Yes.

Noel Fielding

fed it to him.

In a sandwich, in his exotic sandwich.

Series 4.

Yeah.

Stipped a little bit of Alex's beard off between some bread, and Alex ate it.

So he has eaten his own beard before.

If he's got a taste for it and he puts it on his menu then we will kick him out it'll feel pretty good to do that you should go and watch obviously taskmaster we all know you should go watch taskmaster but if you're knocking around all four you should go and watch the horn section sitcom they've done a sitcom james i'm very excited about this i love the horn section and the fact that they've done a sitcom I can only imagine what that's going to be like.

They're already hilarious.

Their music is fantastic.

And the dynamic between them as a group is, I find it very funny when watching them live.

The way that Alex talks to them, the way that they've got their own little characters going on.

And that continues backstage as well.

I think it's just who they all are.

Yeah, the podcast, if you listen to the Horn Section podcast, it's all on there as well.

Very, very good.

So that's going to be very exciting.

Yes, so go and check that out.

I believe it's all on all four right now.

But without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Alex.

Welcome, Alex, to the the Dream Restaurant.

Thanks, Ed.

Welcome, Alex Horne, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thanks, James.

It's such a nice restaurant.

It's everything I thought it would be.

Yes.

And more.

And a little bit more.

What's the little bit more?

What's the little bit more and then what's the original thing?

Well, I was expecting a welcome from Ed and then the sound effect from James.

Yes.

And a little bit more is the eye contact.

Yeah.

I wasn't expecting eye contact.

No.

Not from James?

Well, from either of you.

Oh, I'm good with eye contact, surely.

I just wasn't expecting it today.

I thought you would be quite focused, quite business-like.

Yeah.

But you've been quite friendly.

I'm a friendly guy.

James is a friendly guy.

Two friendly guys.

Two friendly guys.

Who do you think you've made the most eye contact with in your life?

I've asked you to or in the world.

No, just in the world, I guess.

Dr.

Hark.

Yeah, he's Dr.

Hark.

Yeah.

Is my eye specialist.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sort of.

Because I thought about something completely different when you said that.

Well, I've made up Dr.

Hark, but I've got like the the name.

I've got to like the name.

Yeah, yeah.

Who have I made most eye contact with?

I mean, I suppose my wife, probably,

Rachel,

is her name.

We look at each other quite regularly.

Yeah, yeah.

We spend an hour each.

You know what we did do is we got a hot tub.

And then we look at each other all the time because you can't sort of go on screens, so you have to look at each other.

You can't do that.

It's sort of almost for that reason.

Yeah.

It's a circular hot tub.

Yeah, that's a good little trick for anyone trying to give up their phone or have a lesson.

Get a hot tub.

Get a hot tub.

Get a hot tub.

But I've been been embarrassed about that ever since I got one.

I think you might be the first people I've told

in a public arena.

Well there you go.

This is the big announcement.

We like to get exclusives here.

I wish I'd said it though.

I think you know

I think in general it's known that you know that marriage is on rocky ground if you sit in the hot tub and then you both face in the opposite direction.

Yeah that's that's always bad.

No eye contact at all.

Didn't even realize they were there.

I make a lot of eye contact with Rachel in the hot tub.

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean no physical contact.

Sorry.

No physical contact in the hot tub.

Very important.

Yeah.

You've got to keep that water clean.

Got Got to keep it clean.

I, in lockdown, stocked up on chlorine.

Did you?

That was my main thing.

Stocked up on it.

Stocked up on chlorine.

Yeah.

Why?

Well, because...

Who the hot tub, I'm assuming.

Did he not know about lockdown?

No.

People had to stock up on things.

Yes, but I never heard about people stocking up on chlorine during it.

Was there a rush on chlorine?

Well, no, I was worried there'd be a rush on chlorine.

So that's why I stocked up on chlorine.

Yeah.

I don't think I should have to explain this anymore.

Well, I don't know.

You're the first person I've met who stocked up on chlorine.

Yeah.

Everyone else stocked up on like...

Was it then that you realised that things were things were going quite well that you were stocking up on chlorine for your hot tub?

Yeah, you mean career-wise?

Career-wise.

Yeah, it was that moment I thought, oh, things are not.

You're stocking on truffles as well.

Yeah.

Come on, right?

Look, I'll talk about truffles later when we get to the food segment of the chat.

Okay, so sorry.

Well, we're still doing small talk, thank you.

We're still doing hot tub chat.

If we may step over into the food chat, then

I would say, is it safe to say, and I haven't said this to a guest before at the top of the show.

Oh.

Safe to say this menu is going to be bad.

Oh, I see.

By the way, I suddenly felt a sense that I've relaxed.

Yes.

That was good.

It always takes me a few minutes in any company to relax, but I've relaxed now.

Do you think it's because you mentioned your hot tub and then your body sort of imagined it was in the hot tub?

I think that's been building up for four years, this release of hot tub news.

Yeah.

I remembered you've got plenty of chlorine at home, so you felt a bit more chilled out.

I think there's a bit of pepper on the table.

There's a speck of something on the table there, and you're not going to believe this popped in, is there?

I think it was pepper.

It won't be a great menu.

No, it won't be a menu that will lure anyone to this restaurant again.

Yes.

I don't understand this restaurant.

Do you give people a menu to choose from?

No.

Off menu.

Like, there has to be a menu to go off menu, doesn't there?

That's a good point, but I don't want to list what would be on the menu now, just in case it is what's on your menu.

Yeah.

Well, I won't go.

I'll go off menu, obviously, but I'd like to know what's on the menu.

Well, the menu appears in front of you when you say what you want.

Wow, we've not ever said this before.

Is it?

And then it's a big claim.

And then you just pick...

Oh, there's obviously only one option because you've just said it.

it so what you want you conjure it up yeah oh i understand the restaurant now yeah yeah you sorry about that yeah the menu is kind of yeah is it a drive-through it can be if you want it to be you like the drive-through again and again for each course going around and around just go doing donuts yeah yeah yeah

that's fun because now i'm imagining the genie in like a like a fast food servers outfit at the window yeah yeah hovering at the window Oh, that'd be fun.

Okay, that.

I'm coming to your drive-through restaurant, please.

I was with someone once, a comedian who I won't name.

This comedian drove me to a gig.

He arrived at the gig and he was very flustered.

Then he wanted to get home as soon as possible.

And then we were driving home and he went to McDonald's drive-through.

He was all over the place.

And during the drive-thru, he ordered the food and then he went to the window to pay.

They were getting him the food and he went, oi, rude!

Rude!

Like that to them.

And then they gave him the food.

And then he sped away and he went, they were talking about me in there.

And I was like, oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

And then he slowed down and laughed at a woman who was being sick.

Well, I've had that before.

I once got out of a coach at a petrol station.

Oh, I got out of my car at a petrol station and there's a coach who pulled up in front of me and four old people got out and were sick at the front of the coach.

And I laughed at that.

All of them just lined up and were sick.

Really old people.

It was so funny.

I mean, the visual is better there.

It was awful.

Yeah.

Laughing at one girl on her own being sick is horrible.

Yeah.

Laughing at four old people being sick off of the same coach is funny.

Especially with the girl being sick late at night, you're like, well, she's had too much to drink.

She's by herself.

It's very sad.

Hopefully she's all right.

Four old people being sick, 2 p.m.

off a coach.

What's happened?

There's so much backstory to get to grips with that.

But also, it's quite hard to know how to deal with anything.

Like, if you see someone being sick, would you step in?

I'm not stepping in.

No, I'm not stepping in anyway.

What about I walked down a corridor and a girl walked down opposite me recently and she was crying.

And I did this face.

Just a sad, just a sad face to go.

And then carry on are walking.

Yeah.

But I guess what else are you supposed to do?

But also, don't do that.

The listeners are supposed to have to guess what face that was.

You can imagine.

Put it and then go, that's mean of Alexa.

Laugher.

I don't mean to.

It wasn't a decision.

It was just what happened.

Yeah.

You sort of did an emoji.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is an emoji.

So food-wise,

I only have really

seen you eating, I think, on the set of Taskmaster.

Oh, really?

Where you pretty much just go with whatever the contestant has ordered.

Yeah, I would say that's sort of my dream scenario for any food.

I'd happily go to a restaurant where I say, I'll have what you're having every time, just or waiter just bring me food.

I love it when it's a set, when it's just the decisions are all made.

I don't really have taste buds.

No.

So it's more about the size and colour of the food.

Yeah.

Size, shape, and colour is what I'm doing.

You're about to break the podcast.

Going, I'll have what you're having.

But we're not having anything.

No.

So every day at Taskmaster, the menu goes round and I have what Jenny has.

Jenny's in charge of the menu at the moment.

I said, what are you having, Jenny?

And I think she's

maybe a vegan or something.

So I don't really, you know, we don't have similar.

So what sort of stuff are you having?

What's

the thing?

Polenta.

Yeah.

Where are you getting polenta from?

Is this at the taskmask?

It's in the menu.

I had a baked potato yesterday with coronation chicken and baked beans.

Nice.

I don't know.

It was all right.

Weirdly, I've had a hankering for that lately.

Have you?

Baked potato with coronation chicken.

Yeah.

I've come very close to ordering it twice on a menu and then gone for something else, but always after thought, I just want a strong hankering.

I really want that coronation chicken with the baked potato, actually.

What did you have instead?

Nothing.

Remember, that's how much I wish I'd had the baked potato with the coronation chicken.

I've never done that.

As in, I've never got that close to ordering something and then ordered something else.

I would have ordered it.

You would have just done it?

Yeah, I would have ordered it.

Wouldn't you have ordered it?

No,

I spend a long time working out what I want.

Really?

Yeah.

No, not me.

No.

You have what Jenny has.

There's Jenny here, by the way.

We should have got Jenny on the podcast.

We should have got Jenny on the podcast.

I told you what Jenny had.

Yeah.

Really, what we should do is, if you're struggling later on in the menu, say we get to dessert and you're struggling, you should text Jenny and say, what do you want for dessert?

No, I don't really like, I'm not a big food fan.

I do it.

Same as sort of movies as well.

I don't really, you know, really, I really like them.

You like Michael Owen?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do like Michael Owen.

You like football?

Yes.

Yes, I like football.

Oh, doing the things I like.

Yep.

I like football.

I like trousers.

What do I like?

Yeah, football.

You like fun tops.

You like Tim Key?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Football, Tim Key, trousers, tops.

Tops, yeah.

Yeah.

Bowling?

Timpy bowling.

Do you have Jenny's phone number?

Can you text Jenny and say what would be your menu dream meal?

And if she does get back, we can maybe see.

But we do want yours as well, Alex.

Yeah, yeah, we want yours as well but then you you can look at jenny's and decide if you would prefer that at the end okay what am i saying jenny what um what is your what is my dream meal

yeah yeah well whatever won't confuse her the most

quick as possible i don't know if she's a fan of the pod so yeah say you're doing off menu yeah oh yeah she wants to google that yeah yeah i think she would like this podcast yeah

i think she i think she does like this podcast right okay well then she'll know the format

oh there we go does gary still work on gary i was with gary yesterday yeah gary still works there there.

Love Gary.

That's my main food memory from Taskmaster, is Gary eating the cake.

Yeah.

It was Gary's birthday.

Will held a slice of this big cake?

And Gary just went, just picked up the rest of the cake and he ate it in a way that was like, I respected it so much the way he did it.

He just completely didn't cut it up, just got a fork and just dug into it.

And he looked so happy.

I was like, oh, I think Gary's my hero.

I could tell you a lot about the food habits of the crew.

Yeah.

But I think there are some secrets.

Yeah.

But the biggest secret is that Andy C, the producer, never eats in the same room as us.

Oh, I never noticed that.

And I don't think he'll enjoy me saying this, but it's brilliant for us.

We always wonder what he's up to.

Yeah, what's he doing?

I don't know.

Hi, Andy.

Hello, Andy.

And he sneaks off.

It's great.

Thank you for the rap album recommendations, Andy.

Moving out and again.

So have you ever followed him to where he goes to eat?

No, I respect him too much.

Yeah.

But do you think it's...

It'd be awful if he caught me following him out to lunch.

So say he went to the caravan to eat.

Yeah.

What if you went, oh, Andy, do you mind if we just have a chat about something?

We've got a few things to catch up on and took your lunch in there and sat down in the caravan.

No, no, it would happen.

I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't.

There's a secret room in the caravan, so he'd probably go in.

Probably go in the secret room, yeah.

Full of balloons.

The eating the balloons?

Did you ask me if he eats the balloons?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know if he eats the balloons.

I can't imagine he would.

No.

Just because of

the content of the balloon.

Yeah, for sure.

Sure.

Not edible.

Good task.

Yeah.

Eat the balloons.

Eat the balloons.

Fastest wins.

Eat the balloons is a great task.

I'd eat the balloons.

Yeah.

If you had a task,

if it was just shit, fastest wins, who would win out of the you two?

I think maybe Ed.

I reckon I'll win.

When you say

shit, fastest wins.

My stomach went, let's go.

Yeah, yeah.

Five points.

You're very competitive.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My whole body is competitive.

But also it's like, you know, shit is a big part of his life.

Oh.

Him and Nish shared a flat for years, and it was very much the theme of the flat.

Yeah.

Was that doing a shit?

We still text each other now about it.

That's so interesting.

So Tim and I lived together.

I don't think we ever mentioned it.

And we probably pretended we didn't do it.

No, the hugs either.

We have hugged at Shitty.

Twice.

Twice, sorry.

Once when I was sad, once when I was happy.

But you're not going to talk about shitting if you're not even hugging.

No, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

I've never done one in the Taskmaster house either.

There's only one toilet, and I'm not going to do that.

I've definitely done one.

Yeah, me too.

Have you both?

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.

We've got a good spray to do to do it.

Oh, it's all about shitting, isn't it?

Shall I see if Jenny's replied?

Shall I see if Jenny's replied?

Yes?

Ah.

Well, first of all, well, I mean, how was the coronation chicken and cheese and bean?

I had cheese in it as well, jacket, potato combo.

Good to know you weren't lying.

You have before now also asked for a say.

You have also before now asked for a sandwich with raisins in.

So that's a possible

asked for a sandwich with raisins in.

Why wouldn't you have a sandwich with raisins in?

It's

chewy.

That's a dessert.

Oh.

I would say.

I go off and make honey sandwiches for the children for sort of Saturday lunch.

I'm not in charge of the children anymore.

Should I say thanks, Jenny, and then leave her alone.

It's all right.

Yeah, thanks, Jenny.

Yeah, okay.

Would you just have a sandwich with just like buttered bread and raisins, though?

Literally nothing else.

Because I could see maybe if it was a honey sandwich, that sprinkle some raisins in.

That'd be nice.

I'm not sprinkling the raisins in.

No?

I think I'm spooning the raisins in.

How many raisins?

It's a layer of raisins.

A whole layer of...

Do you want to see any bread?

Replace sausages with raisins in your sausage sandwich.

And then you've got a raisin sandwich.

Yeah.

White bread.

White bread.

Oh.

Anyone who doesn't have white bread is lying to you.

Is that true?

Of course.

I have brown bread all the time, but I'm a liar.

You're lying to me.

What's nicer?

Brown bread.

White bread.

I think brown bread's nicer.

Yeah, you're lying to me.

I love granary bread.

You don't feel about that.

Well, you don't.

I do.

I love branch bread.

You don't.

I do.

I prefer white bread.

Thank you.

There we go.

See?

Yeah.

White bread's the best.

Yeah.

Of course.

Tomato, ketchup and raisins.

And butter.

I'm so sorry, by the way.

This isn't me pretending.

I've just got awful taste in food.

That's

not pretending.

We know what we're getting into.

We wanted to establish to the listener.

This is a man who eats because he'll die otherwise, but not because he wants to eat.

Yes.

I quite like the choosing, but it doesn't make any difference to me what it is when it arrives.

Right.

So that's weird to like the choosing then, isn't it?

Yeah, but what I mean is I like the words.

Yeah.

You like picking your words, but it doesn't matter.

They don't necessarily represent anything physically to you.

No, when it goes into my mouth, it could be anything.

So that kind of makes no difference.

Well, people have seen you put all manner of things in your mouth.

Quinoa type.

I put quinoa in once.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Okay.

Do you have a preference?

This is the choosing.

Yeah, this is choosing.

These are choosing words.

You choose your favourite words.

Oh, I see.

Well, I like the word sparkling, but I don't really want water.

Thank you.

Not at all.

If there's a choice of water or not water, I'll have no water.

Thank you.

Yeah?

If I'm at a restaurant with Rachel,

I won't have the water.

Will Rachel have water?

Rachel will have sparkling water.

Okay, I'll get sparkling water for Rachel.

Okay.

Yeah, that's fine, but you know, if you're not going to drink it, you don't need to get it.

I won't have water, thank you.

You won't have water.

How much water did you drink in a day, would you say?

Two.

Two water.

Yeah.

I would say a man who says that if it's a choice between water and no water, I'll have no water

shouldn't be stocking up on chlorine.

Is there Fanta on the menu?

Yeah.

Well, I'll have Fanta then.

Okay, I think we can allow Fanta for the water course, can't we?

Yeah, for sure.

We should have Fanta.

Because Fanta, it's like white bread.

Fanta is nicer than water.

White bread is nicer than

Vogel.

Is that a type of bread?

I think so.

Vogeln.

Vogel.

Vogeln?

I've heard of Vogel.

I think I've seen that written.

Do you think that Fanta is the white bread of drinks?

Yes.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or Orangina if we're abroad.

Okay.

Are we abroad?

You can be.

The driver's drive the drive-through, remember?

Oh, no.

I'll stick to UK drive-through.

You can't do it.

Because you want to be driving a certain way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I worry that I'll be in my car abroad and then I'll be ordering from the wrong window.

Yeah, I mean, this is your dream.

You don't necessarily need to add sort of...

Well, I could reverse him.

Okay, so you're in your car

abroad drive-through and you reverse it.

But it is busy.

So everyone else has to go.

So everyone else has to reverse as well.

So just to determine what country it's in, I want you to imagine you're reversing in, you get to the window, you look at them, and the first word you say is

there's not a lot of imagination.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want to travel far.

I only speak French.

I speak a bit of German.

Yeah.

I'd say that to them.

I'd say.

Enchulegung Bitter.

Vikma Ish.

Ichumbesten sum Bahnhof.

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah.

What's that?

I was like a jack potato kind of thing.

I never get to the station.

But food-wise, it's only cow gummy.

That's all I know in German, which is chewing gum.

Does that count as food?

Yeah.

Very interesting that that's in your list of food words.

Really, I'm looking forward to this, men.

You don't have to swallow.

Yeah.

But

I do swallow chewing gum.

Oh, yeah.

Because I think that's the seven-year thing is, I can't believe it's true.

Yeah.

Because I've swallowed it for the last 20 years.

You swallow them every time?

We gave bubblegum to the children for a two-week holiday in France because we thought they were normal sweets.

And they're fine too.

Yeah.

They're just popping them and eating them.

Did your kids?

Chewing gum is definitely fine to swallow.

Otherwise, they wouldn't sell it, I think.

Right, that's interesting.

But they sell quite a lot of other stuff.

I mean, what you're doing is it's not a good thing.

It's not stuff that you'll just put in your mouth and not eat.

I don't think they could sell chewing gum if you're not supposed to swallow it.

It's nothing dangerous.

It's like saying they wouldn't sell knives if you weren't supposed to, like.

Yeah.

But there's no warning on the pack saying do not swallow this.

I think think there is i think there might be ah

but there's not a picture it's not like a cigarette pack where there's a picture of people who've swallowed too much chewing gum no no but then that's because but that's because with cigarettes you're you know they're meant to be smoked so legally they have to go listen just so you know if you use these the way that we're telling you to it's going to be bad with the chewing gum you're not meant to swallow it so they don't have to go i think it's better to swallow it than spit it out onto the pavement or you've seen how many

Russians see how many bits there are on pavements.

Do you worry that sometimes it will all just be chewing gum and no pavement anymore?

It's going to get to that point.

But you know, that's nature.

Is it?

No.

People don't swallow it.

I quite like when the chewing gum goes all black and it's this little black dots all over the pavement.

I quite like that.

Makes me feel at home.

There's a bridge.

I can't remember which bridge in London it is.

It might be Millennium Bridge.

Where someone has gone along.

And

I noticed this.

I was with someone and they noticed it.

Someone has gone along and coloured in all of the chewing gum on the bridge different colours.

So So you look down and it's this quite artistic, it looks really bright colours and vivid and then you realise it's the chewing gum that they've coloured in.

Why are they using?

Are they using Sharpies or Posca pens, maybe?

Maybe it was Posca pens.

Posca pens.

Yeah, but

it was very good.

It was quite, you know.

Yeah.

No, I'm into that.

I'm quite uplifting, actually.

They made something ugly beautiful.

But I'm going to keep swallowing.

Yeah, so you're going to keep swallowing chewing gum and you're having orange.

So we're having orangina, are we?

Because you're a broad reverse.

We'll have orangina.

Yeah, please.

Orangina on holiday.

What a treat.

Shake the bottle, wait the taste.

Shake the bottle, wait the taste.

Not many foods or drinks you have to wake up before consuming.

Yeah, wake the taste, yeah.

Do you like the fact that you have to shake the bottle to wait the taste?

Yeah, I like that it's asleep when you buy it.

Yeah.

And you've got to wake it up and then drink it.

Do you think that's a horrible way for an orangina to meet its end, though?

No, I think it's a lovely way.

I don't know.

It's all peaceful on Sundays.

No, it's not the, I think liquids are fine, aren't they?

Yeah.

Like if you're a liquid swallowed by a shark, it's not as bad as us guys being eaten by a shark.

Yeah, that's true.

You'd rather be a liquid swallowed by a shark.

Than my current state.

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be better.

Also, the bottle, the orange unique bottle, always.

Yeah, lovely shape.

Yeah.

Shape?

Lovely shape.

Lovely shape.

Is it the shape of an orange, do you think?

Yeah, I think that's sort of

a bit, the bottom bit.

A bit, but you can't.

Yeah, obviously, you need the neck of the.

The orange with a neck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If an orange had a neck.

Yeah.

Big if.

Yeah, yeah.

First big if of of the episode.

Yeah.

It won't be the last, I don't think.

No, I don't think it will be.

No, if an orange had a neck is not a bad if.

Yeah, it's a good size if.

It's quite good.

If an orange had a neck, would that make the main bit of the orange the body or the head?

Yes, yes.

It would make it...

I see, what ends it coming out, I suppose, as well.

You want it to come out of the mouth rather than the...

rear end of the orange.

But sure, you just flip the orange over, couldn't you?

You just flip the orange over.

So the way I would say it, if it had a little neck on it, if an orange had a neck, big if, I would hold it by the neck and peel the orange like a banana.

You see?

No, I see.

Yeah.

But you're peeling a banana like you peel a banana.

I go round and round.

Yeah.

Like if I feel much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It takes ages.

It does take longer.

Yeah.

Does it one?

Everyone says, you see, it's all you can peel a banana in one.

Yeah, but width ways, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know which end of the orange is the body.

I feel like the main orange is the body and then the neck, but then you have to then imagine a head.

Because is a neck a neck without a head?

Yeah, neck of a bottle.

Well then the bottom the bottom of the bottle is the body of the bottle.

Yeah, yeah.

But you can have a neck without a head.

Surely.

What is a neck without a head?

Neck can.

And the neck becomes the head.

This has got philosophical quickly, Alex.

Don't think you can have a neck without a head.

You can't have a neck without a head?

But I mean, we're even talking about bottles where you say the neck of a bottle.

Yeah, and then you've got the little lid as the head.

That's not the head.

Yeah, the lid is the head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course the little lid.

It's the top of the neck.

That's why people say, I'm just going to take off the head of the bottle.

Yeah.

Off of its head.

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose.

Yeah, whenever I open a bottle of anything, I scream off with its head.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Alex Horde.

Pop lobs or bread.

White bread, please.

Of course.

Yeah.

I forgot that question.

And you caught me by surprise, then?

Yes.

Yeah.

But I guess I shouldn't.

I don't ever really know when you're...

You're the kind of person who has to tell people that you were surprised.

Ah, Ah, because I didn't show it.

Well, there's no...

No, it's true.

That would be a good task.

Actually, scare Alex.

We have had surprises

come out of the shed.

One of my favourite ones, that.

But then that one, I knew I was going to be surprised.

So that's difficult to prepare yourself to be surprised.

Well, even then, you had to...

verbally articulate how surprised you were.

And the same with jokes now, as well.

You might be as well.

I have to say, yes, I found that funny rather than laughing in any way.

No, I really, I really laugh still.

Oh, do you?

I love a big old laugh.

A bit more basic.

Scare Alex a bit more, obviously.

Scare Alex would be a great task as well, I think.

Yeah, but I think you'd need a long term.

I'd need to not know I'm going to be scared in the next hour.

Sure.

Well, I guess it's a case of scare Alex at some point during...

Before he's 50.

Before he's 50.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe that would be, yeah, day one, be given that task without you even knowing it's a task.

Yeah.

Ah, now we've ruined that.

And they have to do it by the end of the series.

Yeah.

And then you just sort of liaise with the Andes on when you're going to do it.

Yeah.

That would be quite good.

And that would be, I mean, the way I would do it would be to say, Andy C, invite Alex to have lunch with you.

Yeah.

Because he would not be able to resist that.

Oh, wow.

And then it turns out he's got some horrific habits.

Yeah.

He does something awful.

I'm looking for a task which in the old days you could have really basic tasks like sweat the most, you know, an hour, but we feel like we've done all of them, which I think why I mentioned shitting earlier.

Yeah.

Because you've done fart.

We've done fart, we've done sweat the most.

Yeah, done fart.

There's not many bodily functions left.

And I kind of want to cut the most hair off your head, but it's not that sort of programme.

So if you think of a bodily function we've not done, please let me know.

Yeah.

Have you done fart?

Totally, totally.

Yeah, we've done fart, we know.

We've done fart, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Really, that was the series to do it would be to give Mike that as well in the same series.

And then go even worse, maybe.

So that he'd murder.

Vomit.

Vomit.

Come.

Well, I suppose it is that, isn't it?

Eventually.

Champion of Champions.

I think that's for Champion of Champions, isn't it?

Imagine.

That feels like a champion.

I can't wait to watch Taskmaster.

Oh, no, I don't think we can.

Come, fastness wins.

Ed is going for a real cum phase.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't bring it up.

I didn't bring it up yesterday.

It wasn't me.

Brought it up.

That's cum phone.

Cum is funny to say because it's so rude.

It's a sort of a shame it's rude.

Because if it wasn't rude, we could all just talk about it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's just like spitting, isn't it?

Yeah,

exactly like spitting.

If footballers did it on the pitch, would you be cross?

Yeah,

they normalised it.

They always do it before a free kick.

Why?

Why they're holding onto their dicks when they're in the wall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what they're getting ready for.

Or they've all just done it.

They've all just done it.

See, it's funny.

It's very human for the white bread.

Yeah, white bread, please.

White bread.

Do you want it on the white bread?

What do I want it on the white bread?

Is it just like bog standard white sliced loaf or is there

mighty white?

Mighty white.

Okay, great.

Mighty white sliced bread, medium sliced.

Is there an option to have things on it?

If you want, yeah.

If you want.

Butter.

Yeah.

Have you had butter on bread before?

Yeah, it works.

It makes it makes it nicer, doesn't it?

It's a good system.

It's really nice, though.

It's like sugar and tea.

Yeah.

Or milk on cereal.

How many sugars do you have in your tea?

Two.

But I've cut down recently to just under two.

I think I got it for one this morning, didn't I?

Which is just under two.

Yeah, it's just under two.

How many sugars does Bob Mortimer have in his tea?

15.

Well, he'd cut down to 15 when he's with us.

Yeah.

I think by the time he came on this, it's at 14 maybe.

Yeah.

And it's not an exaggeration.

Yeah.

He has a whisk instead of a spoon.

So do you want us to spread the butter on the bottom?

I can spread my butter.

You can spread your own butter.

Thank you.

Or dip.

I don't mind dipping it.

Wiping it actually.

I'll wipe the bread and the butter.

Yeah.

Do you want sort of a block of butter or do you want a tub of butter?

Oh, I want it in a paper.

sort of like you know butters sort of wrapped up in it like a present when it arrives can we like it wrapped up please

an envelope of butter please.

And you're unwrapping that and then you're wiping the bread on it.

And then wiping the bread.

Yeah.

Wiping the bread across it.

A whole slice wiped across it or just but are you going to wipe little bits?

I think my mum told me you've meant to tear the bread in a restaurant, not cut it.

So I will tear bits off it and wipe it into the bread parcel.

A butter parcel.

First bit of wisdom from Mama Horn in the episode.

Sheila.

Thank you.

Sheila.

Sheila.

Sheila.

So I'm not going to be rude.

She's always told you always tear the bread.

Tear the bread,

soup spoon away from you

and elbows off the table thank you yeah what do you mean soup spoon away from you you're not meant to pull the spoon towards you when you eat the spoon you're meant to push it away then how'd you get it and then pull it back towards you okay what so you like get the ripple so you're pushing the soup away and then coming back no ladle it away just going away oh okay so you're you this the soup is collecting on the far side of the spoon yeah yeah i think you're doing the collecting take some credit for this yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but i thought you meant you'd you're pushing the soup one direction and then just coming back and then waiting for it yeah for like a time yeah yeah so that there's like loads of soup has gone over the rim that way yeah yeah yeah and that the table's covered in soup because you keep on pushing it that way it wasn't that yeah sheila was messy yeah it is messy but yeah just yeah bread and butter mighty white medium sliced yep block of butter and well i didn't know there's more options i'll have some cheese i'll have some cheese huh i'll have some cheese you'd like some cheese on your on your what kind of cheese either yeah slices

or primula shrimp flavoured oh no cheese Cheese spread.

I think that's been a secret ingredient before.

It has been a bit of a spirit.

Oh, I love it.

When I was a kid, I did like squeezing primula, shrimp-flavoured cheese, out of a tube onto bread.

I'd do it directly into my mouth when I was a kid.

And then a toothbrush.

Yeah.

It is weird, isn't it?

Because it is so like toothpaste, it feels weird when you first have it.

But now, after a bit, fat little boy at the fridge, straight into the mouth.

And I don't think it goes off either.

No, one of the few things.

But it's one of the few things that doesn't go off, but tastes like it's always off.

Yeah.

Shrimpy cheese.

So I'll have a bit of that, please.

You would like the shrimpy cheese on the...

Yep.

And American cheese as well.

The slices.

Oh, hold on.

So are they both on together or are they on different parts of the...

You're doing half.

Half.

Half American cheese.

You wouldn't go.

Half shrimpy cheese.

Shrimpy cheese.

Yeah, if I can.

American cheese on top.

Okay.

You would like to do that?

I don't mind.

Yes, I'll do.

Wipe in the butter.

Yep.

Squeeze the cheese on.

Yep.

Whack a slice on.

Yeah.

And you're squeezing the cheese on.

Are you then spreading it?

Or are you squeezing?

with the slice probably I'll use the slice.

Yeah, can see it like a tooling up sequence in a film.

Yeah,

yeah really quickly edited like a snatch or something.

Yeah, yeah, and then I'll probably fall

Yeah,

so that'll be me.

That is the problem.

I do quite often fill up on bread.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I don't think Jenny would have any of this.

No, Jenny's not picking this.

Jenny's not picking this, is she?

Absolutely not.

No wonder you have to

one of the team can't eat gluten.

right i love gluten yeah i'll have some gluten if there's gluten available in a bit of gluten on the side of gluten yeah yeah you can sprinkle some more of that on the bread if you want yeah i don't know if it's a sprinkle situation with gluten i think it's a tap tap

i think you might spoon it in well either way you could have a gluten tap for gluten yeah

and riboflavin please what flavour riboflavin riboflavin you know when you're when you're a kid and you read the cereal packet ingredients oh i always was attracted to the riboflavin and niacin in.

Okay, well, I don't know when you're a kid and you read the cereal packet ingredients.

There was a little number of ribo flavours.

It's in ricicles, and that's my favourite cereal.

That is a good material, yeah.

Captain Rick, yeah.

I wanted to be called Rick when I was a kid because of Captain Rick.

Are you?

I wanted to be called Rick.

Are you?

I'm not called Ed.

No, no, no.

That's called Ed.

I'm called Ed.

Rick with a K.

Yeah.

You wanted to be called Rick?

Yeah, because

of the Captain Rick Ricicle.

He was cool, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was so cool.

Oh, he was an astronaut.

Are you kidding me?

I want to make fun of you, but he is cool.

Yeah.

He's an astronaut.

I mean, there's worse role models to have than an astronaut who has his own cereal.

Yeah.

Best cereal guy, maybe.

Yeah.

You've got the chicken on cornflakes.

Yeah, fuck that chicken, though.

The cornflakes are so boring.

Are you okay?

It's a cockle.

Yeah.

We can say that.

He's the main guy.

No.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Boring.

He's the Ronald MacDonald of cereals.

Exactly.

People don't know

the turkey.

I'd say he's more the Abraham Lincoln of cereals.

Yeah.

Than Ronald McDonald.

All right.

Yeah.

Crackle and Pop.

Not interested.

No.

No, they've got each other.

They They don't need.

You didn't want to be called Crackle when you were a kid.

No.

Okay.

Or Pop or Snap.

Coco the Monkey?

Coco the Monkey.

I mean, he's a monkey.

I think I liked him, then I grew out of him.

Yeah, yeah.

He's probably like the original favourite, isn't he?

And then you kind of grow up and you go like Captain Vic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you realise you're never going to be a little monkey.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Tony the Tiger?

Tony the Tiger.

Yeah.

Yeah, you saw it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I reckon if Richard Osmond did a World Cup of you know it's not a big if serial serial serial mascot yeah Tony the Tiger would probably win yes yeah but well he's got the best catchphrase yeah

Tony the Tiger

what's his catchphrase oh go on right okay well you keep guessing Tony the Tiger

it's gonna be raw again I think well that's not a catchphrase

who stole my frosties yeah who stole my frosties I didn't think he had a catchphrase did he yeah quite famously

really like everyone knows it in the world.

It's in reference to the Frosties themselves.

Yeah.

That's his opinion on the Frosties.

Oh, they're great.

They're grrrrrrrrrr.

I can't roll my eyes.

They're grrate.

They're grrrate.

They're great.

Yeah.

I don't know of any other.

Who are the other cereal mascots?

I guess we're then getting into the realms of Captain Crunch.

The Quaker Oats man.

The Quaker Oats.

He's not a mascot, though.

There's a lady who looks like a K for special K in the swimming suit.

Grandma Crunch.

I've moved on from Grandma Crunch now.

Ed eats Grandma Crunch.

The guys at Surreal Cereal sent me some cereal, so I've moved on to those guys now.

I love those guys.

Yeah, low-bow.

Is that

a low-carb high-proof protein cereal?

Yeah, I can't think of any other real big cereal mascot.

Cookie wolf?

Oh, yeah, that fucking mad wolf with the cookies.

Yeah, absolutely mad.

I've never had a Pop-Tart.

Interesting.

Hello.

I think you would like a Pop-Tart, though.

I think I'd like a Pop-Tart.

Do you think you like a Pop-Tart too much?

Yeah,

probably.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They are good.

Yeah, probably.

It's one of those things where I always asked as a kid, I was like, please, can we have Pop-Tarts?

Always no.

Grew up, thought, too old to have a Pop-Tart.

Now, this is ridiculous.

But tried it and was like, oh, they're every bit as good as I thought they were.

Yeah.

Amazing.

I did some research about them recently.

They were in the 60s and they were called Pop-Tart.

After it was during the War Hole Pop Art Movement, genuinely, and they were called that.

And they had a rival that came out at the same time that failed because they had a boring name.

I think they were called, oh, I can't remember, like Quaker rectangles.

You know, they were really dogs.

But Pop-Tarts is Pop-Tarts is fun.

Really fun.

And obviously they pop up.

They pop up.

They pop up.

And they're full of jam and chocolate.

What are they?

Jam, chocolate, marshmallow, whatever.

It's all peanut butter.

It's all going on in there.

Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll have my first Pop-Tart with the bread.

What do you want in the Pop-Tart?

What are you saying?

No, I'll have Nutella.

No, I'll have Biscoff.

Biscoff.

Yes.

A Biscoff, Pop-Tart.

Biscoff, Pop-Tart, please.

I think Pop-Tarts probably go down as the worst thing to start a day, don't you think?

Yeah.

No.

Wouldn't you feel awful if you had a Pop-Tart?

If you had a choice between Pop-Tart or Haddock, what would you have?

Haddock.

Haddock.

Okay, what about Pop-Tart or a very heavy cake?

Probably a Pop-Tart, I guess.

Well, there we go.

So it's not as bad as a heavy cake.

No.

I would say, in terms of things that

are marketed as.

Oh, I see, right.

The breakfast thing.

Yeah.

Very heavy cake, isn't it?

Very heavy cake, isn't it?

Really heavy cake.

Yeah.

Right.

How heavy were you thinking?

Like one kg.

Yeah, that's that's a heavy cake.

A thousand grams.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big cake.

It's a big cake.

First big cake of the episode.

First big cake there.

I worry about your secret ingredient because I feel this is a slightly scattergone approach to this.

I might accidentally...

Well, yeah, when you're doing things like throwing Pop-Tarts onto the bread course.

Yeah.

Yeah,

you're in.

There's not many foods we haven't mentioned yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll think about it.

Eels?

Yeah.

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Well, your dream starter then.

Okay, can we have a pause in the meal?

We'll do a lap, a lap of marseille and then come back.

A pause for what?

Well, for it all to to digest, I've eaten so much.

Oh, I thought it was like out of respect for are you driving?

We can, well, I guess people will have died, yeah, for whichever famous person has recently died.

Yes, are you driving out of the drive-through for the lap frontways, or we have to reverse out because there's people in front of me, I think.

No, because you're the only one to reverse in.

No, everyone's had.

Oh, oh, yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe we'll go up.

Maybe there'll be a lift up.

Yeah.

Yeah, car lifts.

Remember that little toy we had to wind the thing and the lift camera.

Yeah, there's a car lift.

I'll go in one of them.

Have you been in a car lift in real life?

Yes.

Very exciting, aren't they?

I can't remember, but I definitely remember being in a car lift.

I've been on one where, oh, at the Euro Tunnel, I think, where you

spins you around 180 degrees.

I was thinking about the Euro Tunnel.

I think that's where I've been on.

Maybe I've been on one there as well.

Maybe this is set in the Euro Tunnel.

No.

Not sure there's a drive-through at the Euro Tunnel yet.

You can't really drive through.

First yet of the episode.

I had a £50 bet with my friend Tim Henry when we were 18 that there would be a sale through McDonald's by the time we were 50.

And that's payout last year.

It exists.

What?

Yeah.

So you said you better get the service.

So Tim Henry was the one who was like, there's definitely going to be a favourite McDonald's and you thought, idiot.

24 years later, I paid out.

How much was it?

£50.

£50.

£50.

And had you stayed friends, you and Tim Henry?

Or did Tim Henry had to get back in touch with you and go?

You stayed friends.

He's moved to Australia, so I had to wire the money.

Yeah.

Backs.

Backs.

I was thinking of chaps, and then I went back in the end.

Yeah, because the chaps are in the body.

What is chaps?

They're sort of cowboy trousers.

Oh, right.

There's a chaps payment system in there.

Is there?

Is there?

I think so.

Sometimes it says chaps or backs, doesn't it?

What was the conversation between you and Tim Henry when you had to pay him the money?

Did he get in touch with you and say...

Did he get in touch with me from nowhere?

Well, not.

Because I want to know more about this sale through McDonald's anyway.

Well,

I can give you all these.

There's a lot of questions here.

Obviously, I've gone straight into being obsessed with Tim Henry.

Yeah, because of his name.

Yeah, that's Tim Henry with Mark Watson in Australia.

Oh, there you go.

Tim Henry's a handsome lad.

Yeah.

He's the guy.

He's that one.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not going to go to Mark

He doesn't look like a fucking heron.

Oh, someone at the door.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm just going to look for the word sail-through in my WhatsApp history.

Okay.

Would it be hyphenated?

What about McDonald's?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Well, I'm doing sail-through.

While you're searching it, do you want to tell us what your starter is?

Yes.

I don't think I can do that, though.

I can't do two things.

You can't do them at once.

No.

Unless you want me to say I want sail-through for my starter.

McDonald's comes up a lot in my WhatsApps.

Does it?

Yeah.

Too much?

No, about right.

I really like McDonald's food.

You love it?

Yeah.

Sail-through.

It might have been a text.

How often are you chatting to Tim Henry though?

Yeah.

I can tell you that stat.

So surely it's in the chat.

Just go to

Tim Henry.

Yeah, most people would have found the Tim Henry chat and just scroll rather than search for the term sail-through.

Okay, I'm just going to scroll.

Okay, Tim Henry, Oz.

When was this?

When did you lose the bet?

I think it was last year.

Okay, worth checking your bank history.

I could do that.

Do you want me to do that?

Well, no, no, it's keep calling on the Tim Henry WhatsApp.

Oz.

Let's just do this.

I bought him some gold shoes.

You bought Tim Henry some gold shoes?

Well, what what?

That was my standard.

Because there was an underground KFC.

That's the gold shoes in action?

Oh, yeah, I remember when you.

Yeah, you were buying people gold shoes.

No, I'm back in 2018 now.

Oh, right.

Okay, so you've sailed past the sail-through.

Yeah.

Benito, you can tell us about the sail-through McDonald's, right?

Oh, it's called McBoat.

It's called McBoat.

Oh, I think it was called McBoat.

It's in Hamburg.

It's in Hamburg.

Oh, of course it's in Hamburg.

Where else would it be?

Oh, Boaty McBoat.

Do you remember that?

Because Hamburg sounds like Hamburger.

Yes.

Fine.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I do remember Boaty McBoatface.

We need to hear about your starter.

Is it McDonald's?

Do you know what Boat McBoatface got called in the end?

No.

Because they didn't let it be called Boat McBoatface.

David Attenborough.

Oh, and that's the same with his actual name, isn't it?

Yeah.

Mr.

Attenborough wanted to call him Baby McBaby Face.

Yeah, yeah.

He.

um oh we can talk about Atimar if you want.

No, it's here he's not.

Okay.

Crisps and dips.

Crisps and dips.

What kind of crisps?

Springles.

Yeah, obviously.

Flavour.

And maybe McCoy's.

And I will have, and also potatoes.

Cheese and onion or the spring onion one with chives.

Yeah.

Totatoes are good.

Tatoes are good stuff.

Tatos are good.

Tatoes are good stuff.

Bed to the tatoes?

No, I've tried to go to potato world.

Yeah, I've tried to go twice and it's been shut each time.

Oh no.

So I'm going to keep trying.

What time did you try and go?

Midnight.

Yeah.

Look at the door.

It's Christmas Day.

No, the kids want to go because when you land in Belfast, it's the main sign you see, isn't it?

Tato World.

Yeah.

So I haven't been, but I'd like to.

But yeah, I'll have Christmas tips, and that'll be fine.

Let's do a quick World Cup of Chris mascots.

Yeah.

Oh.

There's the Tato Tato, of course.

Pringle Man.

Pringle Man.

Pringle Man, who's very...

Well, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that Pringle Man was a distant cousin of the Monopoly Man.

Maybe not that distant.

Do people still use the phrase never seen them in the same room?

Is that still going?

I think so.

Have you ever seen Mr.

Pringle and Mr.

Monopoly in the same room?

Yeah,

board game party.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, what...

Have we seen his body, though, Pringleman?

No.

It's only his head, isn't it?

Yeah.

Like the Gamesmaster.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or Crichton.

Yeah, or Crichton.

Yeah, he's just a floating head.

Yeah.

I can't remember if he has a monocle or not.

Now I'm confusing him with Monopoly now.

No, it's mainly just a moustache.

I think he's the shape of a Pringle with me.

And his name is?

He's come up on No More Docies, Mr.

Pringle.

Yeah.

And he does have a name.

That's why I've brought it up.

Oh, I can't remember.

So I know that

you've googled his name during an NFL.

I won't remember anything.

I don't remember either.

Right, perfect.

Phil Pringle.

It was a good name.

Derek Pringle.

It could be called Derek Pringle.

It was a good name.

It was a funny name.

Yeah.

What other Chris mascots are there?

Well, do you remember Brannigan's?

There was the butcher.

Oh, yeah, the Brannigans.

Oh, Brannigan's good.

They're good crisps.

Yeah, they're not as good anymore.

Really?

Well, they're not in the paper packets.

I missed the the paper packets.

The brannigans, paper packets.

Chunky ham and mustard brannigans.

Oh, yeah.

Roast beef and mustard for me.

Well, I'll have all of these.

I'll have a crisp spread, if that's right.

I'll have some monsters.

This is what Rosie Jones did.

Rosie Jones did this.

Oh, well, I won't do it then.

I'll have crackling.

I'll have pork cracklings.

Can I have pork cracklings as my starter, please?

You can have crackling with the crisps if you want.

I feel like they go on a platter nicely.

Cooked by my friend Jules Watson, because he made me crackling at the weekend.

Just crack really nice.

Any relations?

Yeah.

He's got Laura, his wife,

and there's two children, Jake and George.

Yeah.

There's two children, Jake.

I was struggling for George for a little bit.

Thank God I remember George.

Yeah, so I'll have Jules Watson's crackling alongside the crisps.

So Jules Watson makes their own crack bin at home?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm quite jealous of Jules Watson.

Oh, yeah?

Why?

Great life?

Great cooking.

Great life, but he's just a good cook and he cares about it.

I don't care about it enough to make it.

When you say he made crackling, I'm assuming there was pork attached.

Yeah, and I witnessed the whole thing.

He sort of lifted the lid, the crackling lid off the the pork, and then he scraped away a layer of fat and put that in the bin, annoyingly.

Yeah, don't eat that.

You'd love that.

Yeah, you'd eat that.

You'd give it to the birds.

And then...

Yeah.

Make a little ball.

Yeah, make it to a ball.

Give it to the birds.

Especially with winter coming.

Get ready.

They've got to get fat.

Got to get fat.

Do you like the pork itself?

Yes, I like everything.

It doesn't make any difference.

But the crackling is a nice little starter.

Yeah, because of the texture.

That's why I don't like water, because of the texture.

You don't like the texture of water?

That's the same.

I mean, isn't it the same texture as the Fanta that you want to?

No.

Water has a different texture to orangina.

Yes.

I guess orangina's got its little bits of orange.

And also it's thicker.

Sugary and thick.

And fizzy.

And warmer.

And warm.

I love warm Fanta.

No, it's just a different, it's a different texture.

I don't like the texture of water that much.

What if water was crispy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like that.

Or steam?

Yeah.

Do you have ice?

I love ice and steam.

But nothing in between.

I just don't like wet water.

I think crackling's a nice addition to this.

Yeah, crackling's a nice little starter there.

It's just crackling, knock pork scratchings.

Now then.

It's definitely crackling, knock, pork, scratchings.

Are there any side effects of this meal?

Not if you don't want to.

What do you mean physical side effects?

And mental side effects.

I think one day someone's going to tell us exactly what's happened with the pork scratchings industry.

Right.

And then there'll be side effects.

Mentally.

Yeah.

What do you mean what's going on there?

Yeah.

I think they'll go, this is how we did it.

And it was just scratching, scratching pigs

with a bucket underneath i mean i think for most people they'd be quite relieved to hear that really that's the process yeah they're just giving pigs a little scratch because the pig sounded like it would quite enjoy that yeah it's quite nice for the pig it just falls off nice and easy to abandon if it was just a bucket of literally a man scratching a pig and you've got to eat what he's found

yeah they go right would you

i wish they'd shave it though yeah yeah yeah shave the pork scratches i do wish they'd shave it yeah you do find some bits

that's not nice.

Still eat them.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, still eat them.

Yeah, yeah.

Proud of it.

I'll have one pork scratching, please.

One hairless pork scratching.

One single.

How big is it?

I'd like it to

feel

like a chicken nugget.

So the size of a chicken nugget?

Yeah, the size of a chicken.

The size, but not the density.

It's soft like a chicken nugget.

I'd like it to be about the same weight, because they can be quite light.

pork scratches.

They can be, but sometimes they've got a bit too much fat on them, I find.

So sometimes you have the ones that maybe are a bit the consistency of a chicken, they're quite spongy.

And I think those ones are horrible.

When you expect a bit of give and it just slides straight through.

I don't mind them.

You like them?

I love one of them.

Yeah, but completely hairless.

Yeah.

Brazilian pork scratching.

I think that would be one little strip of hair in it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm actually, it's nice that we get to talk about this because I'm never actually too sure.

People use, you know, people chop and change with their terminology there.

Yeah, I can get, because I'm quite a clean comic, but I sometimes do jokes about Brazilians.

I tried to get a big audience to do do a Mexican wave and then we did a Brazilian wave which is just a nice neat one down the mid.

It's quite funny.

That's quite funny.

That's really funny.

But it's sort of cheeky and then a bit cheeky.

So if I like I suggested that that was completely hairless it wouldn't that joke wouldn't work at all would it?

No I guess there are some Brazilians who are hairless.

Yeah.

So but it's you'd have to say the specific Brazilian.

Yeah yeah.

Maybe Fernandinho.

What's all of it off then?

He'll always steer it over to his actual area of expertise.

Yeah, my actual area of expertise is how much pubic hair Brazilian footballers have.

Yeah.

He knows that.

Your dream main course.

My dream main course.

Am I ordering it from you or from Ed?

I'm the waiter.

He's the matrix D.

I'm the Maitra D.

So

I'm just here.

Yeah.

Well, it's nice that you're hanging around.

Yes.

There are other diners.

So

feel free to leave us alone.

Who?

Who are the other diners?

It's the drive-through, isn't it?

Claire

Rayner?

Is that apology?

Claire Rayner.

No.

I don't know.

Claire Rayner.

She was Jay Rayner's mum.

Oh, well, she's the first person that popped into my head for some reason.

She's here, so go and talk to Claire.

If I can get an order from the genie, hello.

Please can I have some pesto pasta, please?

Is that all right?

Yeah, yeah.

So

from a jar.

What kind of pasta is it?

I haven't finished.

It's tubes.

Yep.

And just add the boiling water per day.

Eight to twelve minutes, which is quite a wide.

They give you a bit of wiggle room there.

They do.

Do you prefer it eight or twelve, which end of the spectrum?

Don't mind.

Yeah.

Do you like it l dente?

Don't mind.

Do you ever put that under task?

You have eight to twelve minutes.

No, exactly.

No, I wouldn't do that.

Maybe you should start doing that.

Yeah, maybe I should.

That's the task.

Yeah, rather than like, you know, you've got to do this.

You have half an hour.

Yeah.

Your time starts now.

You have eight to twelve minutes.

Your time starts now.

Yeah, it's quite.

That's the whole task.

Well,

something beforehand.

But to your taste, yeah.

Well, I'll have, I'll go with, yeah, eight to twelve minutes.

Do something that takes eight to twelve minutes.

You have eight to twelve minutes, your time starts now.

Yeah.

That's quite cool.

That's good.

I can't write that down.

Well, I guess you're recording this.

I'll listen to this.

Yeah, luckily.

Luckily for you.

This is being documented.

So the way I want the chef to cook it, who is the chef?

Who do you want it to be?

Jay Rayna.

Yeah.

I want him to cook it for eight to twelve minutes.

Yeah.

Then drain drain it, but just using the lid of the because this is the only meal I can cook.

Okay.

So I want him to drain it with the lid of the pasta.

Yes.

And some of the pasta will go into the sink.

So you're not using, you're not using a coland, no?

Well, you put in waste of washing up.

The sink pasta goes back in with the normal pasta.

Don't worry about that.

Yeah.

Then you're stirring in the pesto, half a jar, you know, the cheap stuff.

Yep.

Sakla.

Sakla, yeah.

Sakla pasta.

Sakla pesto.

That's good stuff.

Oil.

Get all the oil in.

Yeah.

Then you're getting some borsan.

Fork Fork of borsan.

Yeah.

And you're stirring that in.

Then you're getting one frankwurte, slicing it up, stirring that in.

And that's your

meal.

But I will also grate some cheddar on top and stir that cheddar.

Okay.

So I was weirdly very on board with the frankwirter and then I jumped off board with the cheddar.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll go for it.

You were off board, you clambered back on board and you're jumping off board again.

Yeah, yeah.

Sounds like you're having fun.

Yeah, I was having a lot of fun.

Oh, no one's denying it.

It was really fun.

And what year did you graduate from university?

1999.

Is this something you used to cook at university?

Something I still cook now.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

But this is the student meal, is what this is.

It's coming from being a student.

Yeah.

I associate.

Yeah, I suppose so.

But I'm not a student now, and I still cook it.

Yeah, but that's what I mean.

But this feels like something that you would have cooked as a student.

The point Ed's making is you have not progressed.

No, no.

Well, nor is Doctor Horn.

My dad, on Mondays, had to cook because Sheila obviously went to choir.

Yeah.

And we had a mushroom omelette every day for 15 years.

Every Monday for 15 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not every day for 15 years.

No, every day.

Every Monday for 15 years.

Jesus.

And sometimes we put ham in it.

But that was all he could cook, and all I can do is this.

And it's fine.

How often are you having pesto pasta with Borsan, Frank Furter, and Cheddar?

Not often, because Rachel

looks after me very well.

Yeah.

And knows that if she's not there, this is what I'll eat.

Yeah.

Have you cooked it for your kids before?

Yes, and I mean, you can ask them about it.

They were sick.

So I'm not allowed to cook them anymore.

All I'm allowed to make now is daddy's special pudding.

Oh, God.

That needs to be rebranded, Alex.

Which is.

Alex, you can't.

Which is going to the biscuit cupboard, getting a biscuit, going to the sweet cupboard, getting a few sweets, putting them in the bowl, and stirring them up.

What?

That's daddy's special pudding.

What are the sweets?

Hang on.

Whatever sweets are there.

Chewets, probably.

And what are the biscuits?

Again, whatever's there.

Digestives.

So you put biscuits and sweets in a bowl.

Grind them up, stir them up.

You grind up the biscuits.

We'll just sort of pester them up.

You grind them up together.

Yeah.

So you grind up chewets and digest them.

It's like a powder, like a powder with sweets in it, and that's daddy's special pudding.

Chunks rather than powder.

But there's no moisture in there.

There's no moisture in there.

And do they like daddy's special pudding?

They don't mind daddy's special pudding.

They don't mind it.

Well, they're just getting the tests.

Borsan and cheddar and all the other stuff.

Yeah, they were sick.

They put too much cheese, they said.

I think two of them were sick.

Yeah.

Well, there's a lot of because you've got cheese and the pesto.

Cheese and the pesto.

Is it cheese and pestesto?

Yeah, look at the paste.

Yeah, it's parmesan, yeah.

The pecorino in it, borsand.

And then borsand and then the cheddar, obviously, and then obviously the Frankfurter as well.

Why I want it in the restaurant is that I do cook it for myself, but I'd love to see a chef making it and see if it was

a food critic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is he a critic?

Yeah, it's a food critic, Jay Raynor.

Right.

Well, he's going to make it now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you think that's what those old people had before they got on the coat?

Yeah, probably.

Oh, was it two of my

time travelling children?

In the future.

Oh.

Like dark.

Let's see if it's dark, if it's not.

I had a doctor called Dark, did I?

Her heart.

Happy Doctor, yeah, that you made up.

Dark is a fantastic German TV show, which you could understand without the subtitles.

Yeah, as long as they talk about chewing gum.

So that's the main plot.

I think it comes up.

I think it comes up.

Yeah, there's a lot of chewing gum stuff.

This is exactly the sort of thing I would have made when I was a student or in the couple of years after I graduated.

I associate it with Josh Whitticomb.

Really?

Yes, because when I first met Josh, he was just out of university.

And when I'd go to his house to hang out, if he was like joining some food, he would always make pesto pasta.

He would just put cherry tomatoes in there oh yeah with the pesto and would wolf that down yeah and i could quite look forward to that and i remember at that point see i hadn't been to university i hadn't really cooked much for myself at all so i'd watch josh making the pesto pasta and go wow wow wow it's like yeah culinary he's he knows what he's doing well cherry tomatoes is really exotic because it's yeah well it's a fruit and it's a fruit it's double fruit yeah but it's still a vegetable surely yeah

but so so much of a fruit it's a vegetable it's a vegetable yeah yeah i don't have pesto but i used to have it so regularly pesto pasta it's delicious it's good stuff i mainly use pesto now with um i do the jamie oliver uh salmon recipe from one of his books so fill it a salmon pesto all over it oh dear and then put loads of like uh green beans and stuff and you wrap it that all up in foil put it in the oven okay

no no not enough frankfurters in that is there no so i have frank furters because in my university days i lived with al doyle from hot chip and he made nude furters every week, which was

stirring noodles, you know, noodles with hot water, and then

Frankfurter.

Neude Furters.

Nude Furters we made.

Obviously, I was hoping he was going to make hot chips, but he didn't make your hot chips.

That was as hot chip were being formed.

Yeah, so the original name was nude furters, wasn't it?

Nude Furters.

To be honest, not a bad name for a band.

Nude Furters.

Oh, also, you mentioned Jamie Oliver.

You know what I have on the side, which I have a lot now, is Jamie Oliver sausage rolls from the service stations.

Yeah.

They are incredible.

I think they're pork.

I think they're pork.

I think they might be called a pork roll instead of a sausage roll.

Okay.

Okay.

So good.

Is it hot?

Yeah.

Would you have, if you had it at the server station, would it be hot though?

Yeah.

It's in it's the green daily fresh or something that's called Jamie Oliver's Nice Food.

Jamie Oliver's Nice Food Daily Fresh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think so.

Yeah.

It's it's it's a cut cut above the norm and it's so good.

I really recommend it.

Why is it cut above the norm?

Oh, oh.

I'm really hungry.

That's Alex's stomach there.

That's because I mentioned Jamie Oliver's sausage rolls.

They're so nude furters.

It's because they've got Jamie Oliver mentioned everywhere, and it's just, it's really nice.

So, this would be your side dish.

Are we jumping ahead to your side dish here?

That you would have your pesto pasta and then on the side of Jamie Oliver's sausage rolls.

It would be my second main.

Okay, interesting.

Because there's nothing stopping you having a second main at restaurants, I've discovered recently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you done that recently in real life?

Had two mains?

I would have thought so.

Yeah.

But you can't remember what I can't remember going to a restaurant.

Jamie Oliver, friend of the show, of course.

Friend of the show.

He He recommended us some pants that really keep my sausage rolled up.

Is he doing pants?

No, he just gave us a genuine recommendation.

Are you enthusiastic about the pants he wears?

I'd imagine he'd wear quite thick pants.

Well, you'd be wrong.

Well, I'm wearing a pair of them right now.

Are they thick?

No.

Am I?

Not today.

Do I have to check if I'm wearing Jamie Oliver pants?

Well, I imagine you've got pink pants on.

Yeah.

No, there's been a situation there.

They've all gone black.

What?

It's all black now.

As in they used to be pink and now they've gone black.

Greg teased me so much.

He said you've got to wear black pants.

Because they're slimming.

I think because he said the older you get, the more likely

to be that you'll need black pants.

What?

Oh, because.

Right.

Well, I don't know yet.

I'm waiting to discover the reason.

Yeah.

I'm guessing he thinks you're going to be dropping drops of pistol over your pants.

Oh, I thought it'd be the other one, but yeah.

Those are the exact pants that Greg Greg wears.

I wear the same pants as you are now.

I've still got Alex.

I've still got the pants.

You've got to look at that.

You've got to examine that.

I've got a box of pink pants.

But Greg has bullied you into wearing the same pants as him.

Black pants, yeah.

This is not healthy, Alex.

So you've got your two mains.

Thank you.

Thank you for that, by the way.

Thank you for all this.

You're most welcome.

Thanks, guys.

This is obviously a Christmas episode.

Clearly.

So we'd like to talk to you about what you like to eat on Christmas Day, please, Alex.

Merry Christmas to you too, Jesus.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Don't often say merry, except for Christmas time.

No,

merry birthday.

Merry birthday.

Merry birthday.

Merry Easter.

Fun.

Fun.

What do you like to eat on Christmas Day?

What's your favourite?

What do you look forward to?

We have Bucks Fluz in the morning, thanks to Sheila.

No one likes it.

I don't think anyone in the world likes it, do they?

Do you not like it?

It's like a booty orangina.

I suppose it is on the surface, but it's got that clangy taste.

First thing in the morning.

You're sort of shaking yourself to wait yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe that's what Sheila's doing.

Sheila's treating me like an orangina bottle.

Yeah.

I'll have it for the tradition's sake.

Then we'll go, we go a bit rogue.

Okay.

Scampionships.

Wow.

What are you talking about?

For breakfast.

Oh, for breakfast?

No, for mains.

We'll have scamp chips and crackles.

For your Christmas dinner, you have scampion chips.

Not every year.

In fact, not any year.

But I would like it

if this is a fantasy.

Well, otherwise, I'm just telling turkey, aren't I?

Yeah.

You don't want me to say turkey, do you?

Well, do you?

We want you to say what you genuinely have.

But that's interesting, though.

That's an interesting point.

It's what you genuinely have.

It's the spurs.

But if you

i like it but it's boring yeah i'll have turkey with all the trimmings what we will have the interesting bits are pineapple we have a pineapple after the turkey you really can't stay away from pineapples can you well this is why i've got a pineapple tattoo is because every christmas we have a game where grandpa uh we all have to guess how many leaves are on the top of a pineapple and then grandpa peels them and it was a it was trader before now it's hugh the grandpa and soon it'll be me uh has to not soon at some point it'll be me yeah and everyone puts in money and guesses how many leaves there are on a pineapple and and then money yeah everyone puts in there used to be 20 piece now a pound inflation and the winner gets the money how many leaves do you think will be on the pineapple?

It's a sort of eight to twelve minute situation.

Yeah,

I'd guess nine too low nine

Seven.

I mean look at it.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Well that's but that is you're showing me the tattoo which is a cartoon pineapple.

It will be

that's way more leaves than it would be on a pineapple.

Five and triple figures.

Yeah, but I mean the pineapple figures triple figures.

They keep on coming.

No pineapple has over a hundred leaves on top.

Nearly all the pineapples have over a hundred leaves on top.

What?

You sure it's a pineapple that you're doing this?

I know a lot about pineapples.

I went to Bolivia to see them being grown on the floor.

They grow on the floor.

One pineapple a year pops out.

Bolivia grow one pineapple plot.

Each pina pineapple plant, one pineapple comes out.

Next year, another pineapple out the top of that.

You have to slice the top off and plant that.

Well, of course,

when you do Taskmaster, if well no, we we have done it.

We've done it.

Yeah.

You can't take that back.

Really?

Yeah.

I was going to ask you guys at the end of the podcast if you wanted to do it.

One.

You get given a pineapple plant as a gift.

Of course you do.

What?

And so far I've killed two pineapples.

Yeah, me too.

They're very hard to keep alive.

What?

It's a new thing.

It's a new...

It's a channel 4.

No, he's dead.

He was dead.

I didn't get given a fucking pineapple plant.

Did you not?

Hey.

Did you not?

Just wait.

I've been given two.

I didn't get given nothing.

You didn't win.

You must have been given a pic.

No, but we all got pineapples in our series.

You must have been given a picture of one of your best moments framed.

Now, lots of these are new developments.

Ah,

you made that one up.

No, genuinely haven't.

Really?

I've got a framed picture of me sitting next to Alex Dressed as the mermaid.

Are you joking?

Yeah, but you guys got paid.

I'm two series behind him.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I think Vicky came on board after.

These are Vicky's developments.

Yeah, Vicky's great.

Yeah.

Well,

interactively, you should give us something.

Did you have Vicky in your series?

No.

That's it?

Yes.

Well, look,

Christmas is all about pineapples for me, honestly.

That game is great.

And I promise you, there's nothing, but you have to keep them.

They get quite small.

Yeah.

And then there's arguments about what is a leaf.

The thing is,

this is not an insult.

It sounds like something you would make up

that granddad has to peel all the pineapple green.

And also, other people play the game we've discovered since.

Really?

I've mentioned this before.

It's a sort of old tradition.

I promise it is.

And we go to the pineapple pub, obviously, for my birthday every year.

Yeah.

So I love pineapples.

And also, and this is true, and this will sound like I'm making it up.

One time, Will from the Horn Section, he's a vegetarian, went to a late-night kebab van.

We were all queuing up.

He asked for a pineapple juice, and they gave him a pie and an apple juice.

Pineapple juice.

And that's true.

I love that game.

And my last thing for Christmas dinner is After Eights, because

I like After Eights because they're nice.

They come in little envelopes.

Yes.

Each one.

Sleeves.

And in the Horn Section tour, we used to do a section where people in the audience put things on the stage at half time that we we would laminate the best thing in the second half with some slow music as it went through the laminator and one person put in an after eight yeah someone else put in a condom and we swapped them around and put the condom in the after eight wrapper and the after eight in the condom wrapper and they fit perfectly oh that's nice that's satisfying yeah really satisfying it's like one of those perfect fit things you get on music yeah that's great did you give those to the audience member i think no i think what i did was something horrible which i think i got the condom packet and then took the after eight out of it and ate it i think something like that i imagine well there we go you will eat anything eat anything doesn't care yeah is that what you want for a christmas dinner then the after eight and a condom wrapper did you put the after eight on your knob

now i'm the opposite there i put anything in my mouth but nothing on my um no gentleman's face apart from whatever greg davis tells you to want yeah we always tell you you'll absolutely do it in a heartbeat yes that's true yeah if Greg Davis said put an after eight on your knob you'd be right there it will be yeah it'll be there permanently you have to do it Alex because you're a certain age now It's too minty, it'd be like using that original sauce shower gel, wouldn't it?

It would be.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, tingles.

Yeah.

Nice tingles.

No, so the original sauce, sometimes I get out of the shower and I'm like,

especially on a cold day.

Have you done the horseradish one?

No, not done the horseradish.

It's pretty good.

The jalapeno one?

Yeah.

Mustard mouthwash, they do.

Yeah,

well, that's good.

You're playing the pineapple game, so you have.

Do you then eat the pineapple at the end of the day?

No, sheila slices it up and I think it sits in the fridge for a bit.

No one wants pineapple at Christmas.

Do you not like the taste of it?

You're obsessed with pineapple or you don't like eating it?

Do you like the taste of it?

No, I don't really like it.

It's too acidic.

So where does the obsession come from?

Why are you going and watched it be grown in Bolivia or whatever?

I didn't watch it be grown.

I just, I think I, well, I did watch it be grown, I suppose, but it wasn't there.

I didn't sit and watch it.

I wandered around.

You didn't go to Bolivia for the pineapple?

Not only that.

No, we went to...

It was part of the...

But you went to watch a pineapple.

Yeah, we diverted.

We went specifically to a pineapple for you.

You've got a pineapple tattoo.

You play a pineapple game on Christmas.

You made pineapples a huge part of of your tv show but you don't like eating pineapples not really no i don't think

a roasted pineapple no very nice um one of our catchphrases at school was it has no business on a pizza about pineapples about not about it has no business

on the pizza yeah one of your catchphrases at school yeah the other

the other was um oh what was the biologist teacher called top it up top it up he was called doctor top it up because he'd always say about the test tubes just top it up

doctor

to top it up but i think his nickname was fetus because he looked like a fetus but anyway his catchphrase was top it up.

Dr.

Fetus, Top It Up.

Oh, God.

Dr.

Fetus, Top It Up.

Well, I think that covers Christmas.

Yeah, that's fair.

I love that pineapple game.

It's a good game.

Yeah.

And it's a bit of calm as well.

Everyone has to sit and watch him count.

You shouldn't play that, Ed.

No, you shouldn't play any games.

No.

You nearly shit yourself early because you thought that that was a task we had to do.

I would do that, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you would instantly.

It's like guessing marbles in a jar.

That's the ultimate task, really.

Yeah.

It's leaves on a pineapple.

Oh, oh, dear.

Didn't you?

You got very somber, didn't it?

Did you?

I have a question for Ed.

Ah, right.

Right, do you want to

ask it or do you want to ask it?

Okay, do you want to mouth it and I'll do it?

Okay.

If you had to dress up as someone at Christmas, which member of the family would you dress up as?

Well, the two of those words are right.

Christmas, I'd imagine, is one of the family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And family.

And family, yeah.

When you play board games at Christmas with your family, how competitive do you get?

Probably my grandma and very.

Ah.

Wig?

Yes.

Yeah.

She's not long with us either, so that might be a bit weird.

But it'd be nice, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Be nice, yeah.

Well, we don't really play board games at Christmas.

Scrabble normally.

Yeah.

When my grandma was still alive, it would be Scrabble, me, my mum, and my grandma.

Yeah.

But they throw down in Scrabble, so there's no chance of me winning, so I'm not competitive.

You can know going in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's nice to know going in.

I had an insane game of Scrabble recently.

with my brother-in-law, Eddie, who might be listening to this.

He played the rule that you can't have.

say if you've got the word live, and I want to put it L-I-V-E,

I want to put an S on the end and then put sausage.

He says, no, you've got to use the existing letters of live.

You can't add to live.

That's not true.

You wouldn't put an O on the front and have a live.

Well, that's half the joy of Scrabble is

adding new letters on the safety.

And we eventually had to say, well, we've all got different rules for Scrabble.

In my head, I'm thinking, but yours are not the right rules.

Yeah, yeah, that is one of the rules of Scrabble that you can do that.

I know.

Could you not just Google it and show him?

I didn't want to.

Because then it felt like then I was real power play.

Yeah.

So if you're listening, i sorry but i think you were wrong yeah on that and you could add toc and it'd be livestock well exactly that's yeah like i said yeah you could have put an a in the front and had sausage

yeah yeah yeah yeah did you say a sausage no just sausage because you can start above the letter can't you oh right yeah you put ten ten and then an s on the end

dead sausages that's how scrubble works

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Your dream side dish.

Right, guys,

I feel like we've done some quite inappropriate content here.

So I'm going to suggest something I've only had once, and I really liked it, but I don't think it's the right thing to order here.

Okay.

But do you mind if I order it anyway?

No, you you must.

I'm intrigued.

It's the wafers you get at church.

You know, genuinely, when you said we've done some quite inappropriate content, so I'm going to order something here and I was about to just say body of Christ and you're like,

yeah.

Well, I've had it once and I didn't mind it.

Yeah.

And I wouldn't have minded it another.

Yeah.

But you can't go around.

You can't go around again.

You can't join the back of the queue again, can you?

That's the problem.

But also if we're saying this is a safe space where people won't complain, I'm just ordering the physical thing.

I'm not interested in

what it represents or what it actually is in the Catholic.

And my wife is Catholic, and their family are all Catholic, and I really respect the faith.

But on this occasion, just you must be able to buy that stuff.

Oh, I'm sure you can buy that stuff because I was

at a funeral recently, and it was a Catholic funeral, and they came and did the waving the orb about with the smoke coming out, and that smells brilliant.

And I was thinking,

Where do you buy that stuff?

Yeah.

Well, look, if we're saying this is fine, I'm going to have that, but I'll have it flavoured.

very salty salt nice and spicy it's basically a holy pringle isn't it nice and spicy like knickknacks yeah

do you think they come in like pringles tubes and it's the pringles guy but he's got a bed no but i mean i think this is i might have to give you another option because there's a chance that my family will disown me your family will disown you for wanting body of christ as your side dish he's not body of christ you just want the wafer i just want the wafer no i think it's fine yeah i think whatever that's the pringle's guy could do with body of christ he ain't got a body

if he's got the head,

it'd be great for him.

Yeah, it would be perfect.

Imagine the Priggles got a head on the disc.

Well, yeah.

Well, I want that as long as it's no disrespect caused.

No, you can say you like the taste of it.

I think it's a compliment.

Okay.

Tastes good.

I mean, I'm dreading what the drink's going to be.

Everyone needs a way into the faith.

You use like the taste of the wafers.

Yeah, I'll order that in the most tasteful way.

How many of them?

Just a couple.

Two.

Yeah.

I hate it when people say a couple, three.

Do you?

Yeah.

A couple, couples two a few or three a few is three

upwards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

a couple.

I don't think I've ever had one

because I might do I didn't do communion were you not invited to my wedding?

No, James was no, I wasn't

were you

it's it was only after Vicky came in that people started getting invited.

I got married a long time ago before we met.

I was only 25 or something.

Yeah,

young man.

But it was an ecumenical service, so you could come up and get a a blessing if you wanted, but people didn't really know how that that worked, so I ended up being given it.

Yeah, see, the blessing you need to cross your arms on the way up, right?

It's the same as if you're in an emergency situation.

Or you're about to go down a big water slide.

Yeah, yeah.

Those are the three.

You've got to cross your ankles as well.

Yeah.

You must cross your ankles.

About all three in these situations.

Yeah.

Can we guess who was at your wedding?

Comics-wise.

People in general.

We just go back and forth guessing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Until someone makes a mistake.

Brilliant.

Great game.

There was a 200-strong crowd.

This is a great game.

New Year's Day, hungover in Ireland.

Go.

Okay.

Oh, you want me to start?

You can go first.

Oh, we toss a coin if you want.

All right.

To start?

Yeah.

Anyone got a coin?

No.

It's 2022.

Toss a beer map.

Toss that.

That's heads, because it's sticking out a bit.

Heads or tails?

Heads.

It's tails.

Of course it's tails.

Fair enough.

Mark Watson.

Correct.

Best man?

Not even nearly.

Okay.

No, he wasn't in the frame, but we didn't know each other that well.

Now I'd be afraid.

I'm a little bit more clues.

Tim Key?

Correct.

Also not Best Man, but did a reading and really tried to not make it funny, but had to mention my dead grandfather.

So we know he wasn't there.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

Thank you.

I've got more than one.

Tim Henry.

Oh.

Oh, it's a big swing.

He was at the.

Is this an early exit?

He was at the stag.

He might have moved to Australia by that point.

Oh, dear.

Can we say we're not sure?

He would have been invited.

He's not sure.

But that means if I get this one wrong, the game carries on because.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sheila Horn.

Sheila Horn.

Of course she horn.

Wearing a hat.

What the fuck am I doing?

First time she'd ever won a hat.

Oh, yeah?

And she went for a jockey's helmet.

I mean, no.

Because it was...

Big day.

Well, the transport from wedding to venue was horseback.

And it matched her outfit.

No, this is trickier now, actually.

Oh, carry on.

Yeah.

Sorry.

It's quite tricky.

Don't know the name of Alex's dad.

Ah.

I have mentioned it already.

You said it earlier.

Yeah.

But I don't think it was Norm.

Norm Horn.

Norm Horn.

Norm Horn.

And now I'm thinking, at this point when you got married, were you back in, because of the Horn section, you knew them all growing up, but I don't know if this would have been a period of time where you weren't really hanging out and then you got them back to form a band with them.

But I'm going to say Mark Brown.

Oh,

so unlucky.

Fuck.

Not known to me at that point.

I had met, but not known.

So I've got, if I get this right, I've won the game.

Rachel Horne.

She wasn't a guest at the wedding.

Was that her name?

Well, yeah, it wasn't the name.

Well, yeah, but now, now it is.

And for some of the wedding, it was.

It was a cheap shot, Ed.

Yeah.

Correct, Edwards.

Edwin's in horrible fashion.

He's played a blinder.

Yeah.

Dream drink.

Yes.

We've had the Fantaslash Orange Aid.

Yeah.

So now I'm going to go for a combination drink.

Yeah.

We're going to have the liquid from a Mool Mariniere.

Stirred in with some bread sauce.

Wow.

Because they're the two nicest liquids in the world.

Wow.

I've seen you drink beer, though, in the past.

Yeah, but that's because you can't often get what I want.

I always ask for it.

So, do you have any Milmarinier juice?

Mixed with bread sauce.

Mixed with bread sauce.

No, because this is a fancy restaurant, and that's why I'd always wanted to have in a cup, maybe with some bailey's.

So, this is our second Christmas episode of this year.

Well, you've done that wrong.

We do two Christmas episodes every year.

Do you?

Yeah.

Who's in the other one?

Mel.

You've done it right.

Mel also chose to drink bread sauce at one point.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not for her drink, drink.

Not for her drink, drink.

For her Christmas dinner.

Christmas is great.

Don't understand it.

My wife had it the first time at my house, our first Christmas together, when Sheila made it, and she couldn't believe it.

She said, this is going to be horrible, and she loves it.

Well, it sounds mad.

If you'd never heard of bread sauce, bread sauce?

You'd think that's butter.

It's crazy.

Well, your wife must have thought, you know, being a Catholic, it was liquid body of Christ.

The bread sauce.

They do call it bread sometimes, don't they?

But it's definitely not bread.

Yeah.

That was what he broke first of all at the last supper was he didn't have those wafers on hand no he was like but he broke the bread and said eat this in remembrance of me as my body i've got huge regrets for ordering that at the restaurant yeah but you're okay with the mulmariniere and bread sauce combination yeah this

is the slop that you've just invented don't call it slop please how are you

Are you consuming it in like sort of a pewter tankard in a in a mug like a cup of tea because it's obviously a hot drink?

An engraved pewter tankard.

An engraved pewter tankard.

What's the engraved?

I didn't have it as hot though.

You want cold bread.

Well that's congealed if it's cold.

Not if it's stirred through the Mulmar in the air juice.

But cold.

So you'd rather have it cold.

It's a drink.

You don't have hot drinks.

Do you?

Good point.

Yeah, cold and a tankard.

And I'll have the engraving of the date that I'm eating this.

Okay.

Big letters.

Yeah.

Fully spelt out.

No, we're not doing the numbers.

No numbers.

No.

The 5th of...

December.

And then we'll write out 2022.

Yeah.

Do you imagine it coming out of a tap?

Like a pint?

No.

Pre-mixed, or do you want to.

No, Rain is making it.

Jay.

He's still on the ship.

Jay Rain is making it for you.

Yeah, so he's got a vat of Mooma in the air, ditching the mussels, putting them back in the sea,

and then confusing the muscle population.

And then, yeah, just big vat of that, bubbling away.

Then bread sauce goes in.

Glago Bailey's, put it in the freezer.

So we are having a Glago Bailey's.

Yeah, Bailey's just going in there.

Rainy's going in into it.

Is it still Christmas?

Not.

Yeah.

Yes.

But it can be.

Yeah.

It's on the 5th of December.

It says so on the cup.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so it's the prelude to Christmas.

Yeah, and then it goes in the freezer for two weeks.

No, one week.

One day.

How long does it take to get cold?

A day.

Well, then it's frozen.

Then you're having a frozen.

Room temperature, I want.

Put it in a room.

Perfect.

Put it in a room.

And then when it's the same temperature as the room, I'll drink it.

Yeah, lovely.

You won't give it a little stir.

I will give it a little stir.

I think it'd be quite curdled.

I think the Baileys might curdle, say, in that.

I will not look at it.

Would you feel that going down?

Oh, I'll tell you what I do like as well.

It's a Coke float.

It'll have the consistency of a Coke float.

Yeah.

Right.

Sure, it was going to go, the Baileys will float to the top.

Yeah.

Bitty.

A bit scubby.

Yeah.

But it'll feel good in your tummy.

And that's the point.

And that's why we're all here.

The thing is, I think you're in danger of people demanding that you actually do this for real and drink it because you will.

People.

You would do this.

I would long to do this.

I really like Mulmarin Year juice.

And I really like bread sauce.

And I really really like Baileys.

Yeah.

And I never understand the idea that if you like things, then mix them together, you suddenly don't like them.

Like, when is that ever true?

When?

This now, for example?

As a child, I liked milk and orange juice.

I mixed them together once, tasted so disgusting that I hid under the table.

Orange milkshake?

You don't get orange milkshake, do you?

No, I don't.

You hid under the table.

Yeah, yeah.

For how long?

Not that long, but like enough that it's me on my own in the kitchen.

But like, I hated it so much that I just hid under the table.

I can't believe the words.

It's such a horrible thing.

It's confusing for a child i don't think i'm hiding under the table after drinking this no i think i think you might be climbing on the table i think we're gonna have to sort out some situation where you drink it and we film it to be honest and i get on the table and you get it yeah get on the table i don't mind drinking that i want to drink that yeah it sounds like you do

so we arrive at your dream dessert ah yeah

it's been a mad journey so far yeah interestingly

said to me yesterday i wonder whether alex will because we we knew you know you don't have the best tasting food i wonder whether alex will tell us genuinely what he wants or whether he'll do something quite quite weird.

And you've done somehow both.

See, I disagree with your best taste in.

I don't have a good taste in food.

It's like music, isn't it?

You like what you like, and it's my taste.

So music-wise, it's Roy Albison.

And I had four years when I only had the best of Roy Albison in my car.

And I listened to it every single day.

Yeah, it's good.

It's cool.

Lovely voice.

The big O.

So for pudding.

I'm having a Mars bar.

And I think it's the nicest pudding.

Yep.

And at my wedding, I was arguing for Mars bars to be handed out because I think everyone would have been so happy.

As body of Christ.

Not during the service, as pudding after the meal.

So I'll have a Mars bar and that's and that's and then and then we go home.

So no no DSP?

Oh we're coming back from home and we're having a DSP.

Yeah DSP means a DSP.

Daddy's special pudding.

Daddy's special pudding.

No, I don't eat the daddy's special pudding.

No.

No daddy's service.

Oh, you wouldn't eat a message.

No, I'll just have a Mars bar.

Just a Mars bar.

They're the nicest.

Normal size Mars bar, not a king size or anything?

No, normal size Mars bar.

Well the old, whatever the old size was.

I don't think they had sizes in the old days.

What

you just got what you were given?

Well, maybe we'll have a fun size, but it's fun as in much bigger than normal.

Right, yeah.

That always used to annoy me.

Yeah.

So a fun size Mars bar, but as and an asterisk as in much bigger.

Out of the fridge or room temp?

I think room temp, otherwise it's too hard.

And I'll have to eat it on the left side of my mouth, otherwise my right tooth starts hurting.

Yeah, okay.

So room, room temp.

I did have a little, maybe three years having the Mars ice creams.

Yeah.

I really like them.

I mean, I think they are so superior to the normal Mars bar.

You'll get through that.

Fatih Elgory came on the podcast and chose Mars ice cream as a dessert.

And as far as I understand it, she received a very positive reception from the general public.

But they're probably not very old.

Your general public, they will get through it.

It's a phase, is it?

Yeah.

More practical-wise, you can't just always have a Mars ice cream in your car.

How often are you eating a Mars bar?

Once a month.

So it's not Greg who's convinced you to do this, is it?

No, this is me.

This is me.

Full moon Mars bar.

Because you know Greg ate 97 Mars bars during lockdown one.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I do know that.

Because every before the Taskmaster recordings, he used to ask the audience, how many do you think I've eaten?

Yeah.

It was always over 97.

He kept saying, look at me, how many do you think I've eaten?

And they would say, what, 200?

And then he'd get sort of upset and confused.

But he'd do it again the next week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then someone got it right, and he'd said, I'll give you a prize if you get it right.

yeah and someone got it right and he said well you've cheated clearly and got quite cross

he had seven in one day once yeah no i don't have them that often but i just you know if you go to a news agent's and you're gonna pick something you'll pick you'll pick a mars bar wouldn't you i don't think i would you know no kit catch unky well that's not as nice well it is it's the best chocolate bar why is it sometimes i'm having a ritter sport i'm a girl buy a ritter sport what's a ritter sport the square ones from germany lots of different flavours i think i only see mars bars I filmed something once, a TV thing, did it for a week.

At the end of it, one of the presenters had bought a writ of sport for one of the cameramen

and she got it out of a bag and went, I got you this.

And then we just so happened that everyone turned round and looked as it was happening.

And someone went, oh, not getting everyone writer sports, just him.

And then she went, got so embarrassed.

And it's the most embarrassed I've seen anyone get over anything that small.

She was absolutely, she was like, oh, no, because she panicked.

Absolutely panicked.

Well, it's weird to get one cameraman a writ of sport, isn't it?

Yeah, so the story behind it.

She was so embarrassed that no one dared drill any further with that.

Yeah, but it was like, why has he got that?

And when we carry on saying, it was me and Guz Khan.

So Guz didn't let it go.

So all day just going like, why's he got a writ of sport?

And the best of us haven't got a writ of sport.

Oh, I like Aeros.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I'll have an Aero.

Well, hold on.

No, you should have a Mars.

If you want a Mars, you have a Mars.

Well, you were so negative about it, weren't you?

No, not negative about it.

You know,

we've got to question these things.

Otherwise, it would be a five-minute podcast.

It's different to a normal restaurant, this.

Yes, it is.

Every Sunday after rugby, I'd have a Mars bar.

Does that make you feel better?

It makes me feel very happy.

Yeah.

We used to have a bag of fun-sized Mars bars in the fridge when I was growing up.

Big ones or small ones?

Small ones.

Right.

Normal, normal fun-size.

Otherwise, they wouldn't fit in the fridge.

Yeah.

These guys are big.

Yeah, they can't fit in the fridge.

See what I really liked was dark chocolate mask bars.

Oh, my God.

I don't even remember them.

They were limited.

They were out for a bit.

I loved them.

Outside centre?

Yeah, outside.

No, were you an outside centre in the rugby game?

Or a winger?

I was a winger to begin with.

And then in the final year, I quit when I was 13.

In that final year, they moved me to one of the props or something

in the scrum.

Why are they doing that?

Dear me.

But that was weirdly my best year.

But then I quit because I didn't like anyone else in the rugby team.

No.

No.

No.

I didn't like the...

You did like the Mars bars?

I loved the Mars bars and the can of mountain dew.

after rugby practice raisins after swimming sandwich

no little pack of sun-made raisins after swimming.

See, this is my issue with the raisin sandwich thing because they come in such small boxes.

You're going to have to open maybe five to six boxes for a sandwich.

You can get fun-sized boxes of raisins.

Yeah.

That's real fun.

I find a Mars bar a bit claggy, I'll say it.

Really?

Which is why I prefer a Mars ice cream or a Mars bar from the fridge.

You need to say, I'll say it, and then say the thing.

Okay, I'll say it.

I find a Mars bar a bit claggy.

Otherwise, you have to say, I've said it.

Yeah, yeah.

I just said that.

I just said a Mars bar is a bit claggy.

Of course, they're claggy.

That's what you like, is it?

Yeah.

You like the clag.

Claggy's sort sort of got bad press.

I don't mind claggy.

All the best foods are claggy.

I think all my meals have been claggy, isn't it?

My clients aren't a baggie

drink somehow.

Yeah.

Claggy.

I'll have a claggy meal.

If there's a restaurant called Clagg and it's a big if,

I'll be there every day.

Bring your own pole?

I'll bring a bowl, if that's the system.

I mean, if you've gone with clagg, you might as well go with bring your own bowl.

Yeah.

Region Ben, you're back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Right.

Water course, you would like orangina.

Poppinoms or bread, a slice of mighty whites, medium sliced with butter shrimp premula sliced cheese and a side of gluten with riba flavon and a biscoff pop-top

starter a crisp platter with dips and jules watson's pork crackling one hairless pork scratching main course penne pasta with pesto borsan

frankfurter and cheddar Second main course, Jamie Oliver's pork roll.

Christmas, Bucks Fizz, turkey with all the trimmings, play the pineapple game and then after eight in a condom breakfast

side dish a couple of nice and spicy communion wafers

drink ma's marina juice with bread sauce and a glog of bailey's dessert a mars bar yeah okay

wow seeing it seeing it written down brings it brings it to life

brings it to life yeah yeah how are you feeling about that well I'm pretty pleased with my choices.

Yeah.

I don't know if we can call them choices.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd have a side of fries if it's not too late.

I think you've got the communion waiting.

Yeah, no, we won't have a side.

No, I'm happy with all those things.

Yeah.

There's a few surprises along the way.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a long meal.

It's not an easy meal.

Well, it's a drive-through as well, remember?

Yeah.

The people behind me, because I've already reversed in and then I've ordered that.

Well, then it could be furious.

Don't forget every time they start to pull up to the window, you've done your lap and you're back again.

Yeah, and I'm struggling to do this in French.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's not easy for them.

Well, I'm trying to order it in German, but we're in France.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's been a great, it's been a great occasion.

Yes.

Great celebration.

End the episode with a Christmas message from you to the

yeah, I don't mind sort of mentioning Yule Tide.

So

have a great Yuletide.

Yule Tide.

Yeah.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Alex Horne.

Thank you, Alex.

There we are.

Yeah.

What a terrible menu, as expected, but a lovely chat.

Yes, yes, I mean, oh, revolting, but lovely to find out about some background figures in Alex Horne's life.

Yeah, Sheila Horne, Tim Henry, Tim Henry.

Obviously, I love Tim Henry.

Yeah, I couldn't stop saying it, couldn't stop bringing him up.

Tim Henry.

Look, it was a disgusting menu.

I think I would have welcomed some of his beard on that.

Yeah,

it would have been a blessed relief.

Yeah, there's a lot of things on there that were secret ingredients in the past.

Yeah, there's even something on there that he mentioned that inspired us to put it as a secret ingredient in a different episode.

Yes, yeah.

So like it's a disgusting menu.

Wouldn't have been out of place for him to just chuck his beard in there, but he didn't.

So he remains in the restaurant.

He didn't.

He didn't have that, which was of course in his exotic sandwich.

Yes.

And we had Melon last week, who also ate the exotic sandwich, her own exotic sandwich.

Yeah, which obviously I'd much rather eat that exotic sandwich.

I mean,

I wish I'd got that task on Taskmaster.

Yeah.

Making it exotic sandwich.

I'd put loads of chocolate in the sandwich and they said, eat it.

I'd be delighted.

Why did Alex have to eat his own beard?

It's a good question.

I think it's because it was Noel Fielding.

And he fed it to Alex.

And he's just going to be like, I ain't doing that.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

Actually, now I think of it, I think Noel did eat it.

Now I think of it, I think Noel ate the exotic sandwich.

Interesting.

Well, we base it all on a lie.

Never mind.

Alex didn't eat his own beard, but it's still.

I mean, it's still a secret ingredient.

He's still a good secret.

And he still

didn't say it.

He didn't say it.

It's still food.

Food's food, isn't it?

Food's food.

Someone ate it once.

Yeah.

We can put it as a secret ingredient.

Food's food in the end.

Thank you very much to Alex for coming on.

It was a wonderful episode.

Merry Christmas to you.

Don't forget to watch the Horn Section television show on all four.

That's all available now, all six episodes, I believe.

And do keep an eye out for the Taskmaster New Year's treat, where they have non-comedians, people from the world of entertainment and sport and music.

They have them on to do one episode of Taskmaster.

And I believe there is another one of those coming very soon.

It's always a treat.

That's the last of our Christmas episodes.

There will be, hopefully, a roundup of the year off menu.

Best of.

Yearly best of roundup that Benito always has to put himself through, poor guy.

It takes him 50 years to edit.

Usually the only episode that I'm guaranteed to listen to all year as well.

I just catch up on all the highlights.

Yeah.

Just to make sure the podcast is being recorded and put out there because I wouldn't know otherwise.

It's normally about three hours long.

And I always cook while I listen to it.

Clean the house.

I clean the house.

Yeah.

Clean the house after

Christmas.

Put it on.

Walk around laughing at myself.

Yeah.

No one else, I don't laugh at it.

Never me.

Don't laugh at Ed on it, and I don't laugh at the guests.

No, never.

Thank you very much for listening.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas time, however, you may celebrate it.

We love you very much.

Goodbye.

Bye.

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