Ep 174: Mel Giedroyc (Christmas Special)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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We've done live shows there.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, heating up the brandy of conversation.

Lighting it with a flame of humor and pouring it over the Christmas pudding of the internet.

Happy Christmas, James!

Ho, ho, ho, Ed Gamble!

Happy Christmas!

This is the Off-Menu podcast.

We own a dream restaurant and invite a guest in every week and ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink.

Not in that order.

When it's a Christmas episode, we also ask them their dream Christmas meal as a little extra course.

And this week, our guest is...

Mel Gedroig.

Mel, of course.

It's Mel.

We're back in the territory, aren't we?

It's National Treasure.

Of course it is.

Territory, of course it is.

Nice to complete the mel and sue set as well yes we started collecting a while ago yeah and it took us a while to complete the the two-person set especially as there's only two in the set so what a what an honor what an honor i cannot wait to hear what mel has to say about her dream foods and of course when sue was on the podcast she chose for her dream dessert christmas pudding

very true

you know

Is this going to be a full Christmas menu?

Even though we're just having one little course as a Christmassy Christmassy shout out here, Dream Christmas meal, but you know, is Mel as Christmassy as Sue is?

Who knows?

Who knows?

Can't wait to find out.

But even though it's Christmas, if Mel says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, then we will have, with a heavy heart, to kick National Treasure, Mel Gedroig, out of the dream restaurant.

Into the snow, like Tiny Tim.

Oh, my tiny, little tiny Tim.

Tiny Mel.

Tiny Mel.

This week, miniature mel.

Mini Mel.

Mini Mel.

This This week, the secret good is satsuma.

Satsuma.

Little satsumas in the stocking.

Hate them.

Don't put a satsuma in the stocking.

I want chocolates and presents.

Little presents in there.

Wow, that was the biggest sneeze he's ever done.

He did it with his whole body.

Yeah, big sneeze.

Don't put those satsumas in the stocking.

No, and I can feel them.

Don't think you're sneaking them in.

Yeah, we can feel them.

We know that they're in there.

Well, I don't get a stocking anymore.

No?

Nah.

It's a shame.

It is a shame, isn't it?

But all grown-up boy now.

I get one.

Yeah, quite.

I'd kick off if I didn't.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What do you normally get in your stocking, apart from the satsuma?

Chocolates, hot sauce sometimes.

Little things like that, little things for the kitchen.

Maybe like a little plasticky travel game.

You know, good stuff.

All the good stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Just may as well empty it directly into the bin.

No way.

I eat it all.

The travel game?

Yes.

I eat that.

like a kind of surprise.

Hopefully we won't have to kick Mel out, but if she says satsuma in a stocking, she's out of here.

Yep, and I mean we're risking it there.

You know, it's possible she might say that and it'll feel very unchristmassy.

It will.

It will indeed.

There you go.

Without further ado, this is the off-menu Christmas menu of Mel Mel Gedroy.

Welcome, Mel, to the Dream Restaurant.

I'm loving it in the Dream Restaurant.

welcome Mel Gedwig to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time here we are

pretty impressive genie right that we've got here absolutely oh I'm I'm moved

you liked it I'm moved I'm a bit emotional I love the genie thank you what is it in particular about the genie that you're finding very emotional I love the fact that the

I love the fact that the genie's wearing a mustard uh mustard yellow top.

Yep.

That's I'm getting into a lot.

Rare for a genie.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm losing

the fact that you're very, yeah, you seem like a very good present.

Thank you.

You're a very good presence.

Would you describe me as a good present, Ed?

Sometimes.

Yeah, thank you.

Do you give good presents?

Do you give good presents?

Yeah, I think so.

I'm very thoughtful about presents, yes.

What's the worst present you've ever given for Christmas?

Given to someone?

Yeah.

Well,

I've only recently got into wrapping presents.

What do you mean?

So what did you do before?

Well, I genuinely think it's pointless to wrap presents.

Wow.

That's so Scrooge.

Wow.

Well, it's not Scrooge.

I actually think it's more Scroogey to wrap something because then you're covering up your mistakes.

I think you should just be honest about what you've given and just hand over the thing.

They're not lighting.

They are.

They are.

Especially if you're dishonest there.

Just dropping presents off with someone and then going, oh, here's a concealed parcel.

Bye-bye.

Have a nice week.

The concealment is...

That's all the fun.

No, no.

The unwrapping is more fun than the actual thing itself often.

I think just...

Do you stop wearing clothes?

Well, no, that's not, but I don't wear clothes.

I'm not sure if you're a good person to us by wearing those clothes, Ed.

Yeah.

Yeah, thanks, James.

I am, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So what do you do?

You just leave a pile of stuff.

No, I found it.

So it's the...

I'm not good at wrapping.

It's labour-intensive.

You've got to practice.

Yeah, I don't want to.

Oh.

So I went through a period of wrapping things in tinfoil because then you don't need to tape anything.

That, that, yeah.

Wow.

That's.

No offense, but that is a bit...

That's like a student.

Yeah, well, yeah, I mean,

it is.

It is a bit.

I've been there.

I know, yeah.

Yeah, but also it's made for that.

It's made for wrapping things easily, right?

So you don't need sellotape.

You don't need cellotape, you can just pinch it off.

Yeah, lovely job.

I love it.

It's not a lovely job.

I'll have a present in the future.

I love the expression, pinch it off.

Pinch it off.

Not normally used in wrapping.

No.

But appropriate, given how awful your presence, thank you.

Guys, you should see I've got a special wrapper's cupboard.

of course wrapper's cupboard at home so open up the cupboard

and then you've got to the i'm going to take you from right to left we have boxes we have boxes bags seller tapes pens uh see-through wrapping which is similar to your non-wrapping but at least at least it you know yeah it it's something isn't it it's not no it's not cling film it's the it's the crackly like a bunch of sort of cellophane type stuff yeah yeah

then we've got our christmas papers and then we move into birthday papers.

Oh.

And then into slightly sort of, oh, slightly wacky off-the-wall papers.

Yeah, the issue is I do now wrap, but sometimes my wife will receive a birthday present in Christmas paper.

You see, I'm not having that.

If you've got a wrapper's cupboard, then you don't, you won't fall into that mistake.

Yeah.

Where in the wrapper's cupboard is the tin foil?

Nowhere.

Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?

Nowhere.

Nowhere, James.

Why is it nowhere?

Because it's not good enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or is it too good?

Oh, tinfoil should stay in in the kitchen, my friend.

Yeah, okay.

Well, that's where I do my wrapping.

So

that's annoying.

He's got us there.

In the seller tape section.

Sorry, am I going on too much?

No, absolutely not.

In the seller tape section, I've got a seller tape which you attach to your finger like a large ring.

And it's so cool.

You just pinch it off with your thumb.

You just go like that.

And it's on your finger.

So you don't even have to do that ghastly thing of finding the bloody end and then all that stuff.

It's just there on your finger on the ring and then just

with your thumb.

That's good.

But then hold on.

So it's on your pointing finger.

Yeah.

You roll the cellotape with your thumb to get the tape off.

Yeah.

You actually click it, you go click, click, click, click, click.

Then how far can you pull it out though?

Because then you can only pull it out as far as your thumb can reach it.

You pull it out and pinch it off.

You pull it out and pinch it off, and it doesn't.

So how do you pinch it off?

I actually don't remember.

Okay.

I know it's in there somewhere.

Somebody gave it to me.

You've actually, yeah, you've used

it.

You've scuppered me.

Is this the end of the wrapping cover chat?

But it's a clicking action, like a dog training clicker.

Click, click, click, click, click.

That, you know, the seller tape emerges on each click.

That's how you get the length.

As for pinching it off, I can't really remember.

Maybe you'll get the other hand involved, I guess.

Yeah, well, that's not the point.

But that's holding down the...

I love wrapping.

Yeah.

Love it.

How many presents would you wrap

a Christmas?

Average Christmas?

I've got an enormo, silly, enormous family.

Yeah.

56, something like that.

Oh, my God.

How big's your house?

The house

is,

excuse me, at the moment, it's a bit empty, nesty, so it feels big, if you know what I mean.

Because the kids have gone off to uni.

But obviously they'll go coming up for Christmas, which is lovely.

I didn't answer your question.

I didn't want it to appear too big.

Does the wrapping

cupboard come in before or after the kids left?

After?

Yeah.

Sounds like.

Oh, my God.

You've replaced your kids with rapping.

Yeah.

Rapper's Cupboard came in after.

Yeah, Rapper's Cupboard.

And I went through all the dressing up boxes.

There are about three of them.

And I trimmed those back as well.

That was another job.

I thought you were going to say you put all the costumes on.

That's literally where I thought you were going.

I went through all the dressing up boxes and I'd put everything on.

I'll be so

I didn't appear on any side.

There's some crackers in there, though.

Yeah.

Some real good ones and some good crimbo-related ones.

Oh, yeah.

What ones?

There's

a habitable Christmas tree.

You can get into it and then put your arms through.

That's good.

There's a high school musical Christmassy pair of balls, pom-pom balls.

Okay.

There's a load of stuff.

That sounds good.

Harry Potter cloak, not very Christmassy, but you can get away with this.

There's a little bit of snow.

It feels Christmassy, right?

It's sadly not invisible.

I heard them making it a genuine invisibility cloak.

What are you talking about, mate?

This is what I heard.

What?

What?

Do you mean the military?

No, no.

Like, for people to buy.

Like, invisibility cloaks.

But do you know what that's going to be?

That's going to be Emperor's new cloak.

Yeah.

I.e., here's an empty box.

Yes, there's an invisibility cloak in it.

Yeah.

And they charge you...

240 quid.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, I don't.

I'm not sure about that.

All that merch.

I don't like the sound of it.

No.

Well, it sounds sounds like you would have had to have bought that, but now your kids have gone to uni, right?

So you don't need to worry about that sort of tat anymore.

Oh, no, although, no,

they do still like to dip in

Halloween, you know.

They used to call me Melvin.

It was my sort of alter ego.

Because I was, yeah, the kids, they call me Melvin, because I'd get really overly involved in, you know, for example, at Christmas, making a Christmas costume.

But I'd like take over and get really humorless so why does that why you call melvin i don't i don't know

i had to ask james permission there because i was i thought i might be missing something massive there no you didn't they just call me melvin it was like someone said people call me trevor because uh often when i go skiing i'll always be the first one down the slope

what okay

so why trevor i do not know oh i've never known that is so trevorous always first down the slope.

That's actually a perfect example because Trevor would be first down the slope.

Trevor's a bit of a show-off, isn't it?

Trevor's a real show-off.

Yeah, it's quite hard to think of something Trevor doesn't do, actually.

We had Trevor and Sheila actually, and I'm not just saying this because this is the Christmas podcast.

They used to come over and visit us in the 70s from South Africa at Christmas time.

Really?

Trevor did not say a ruddy word.

Really lovely guy.

And I always remember he spent six, it was about six hours doing the lighting for my doll's house.

He did like a full electrician's job on the doll's house.

Completely silent.

Totally silently.

Isn't that amazing?

That is amazing.

Is it creepy or is it not?

I haven't decided yet.

I don't know.

That was Trev.

Yeah.

That's what it was like.

Didn't say goodbye when he left.

No, he was the electrician to the dolls.

Yeah.

That was gorgeous.

And was it a good job?

It didn't go faulty, the electrician.

It was ages.

He just went to the panel.

And he didn't have a decent job.

He had two big sort of 1970s batteries.

Yeah.

And Sheila, she wore the trousers, just said, you know, go on, Triv, go off and do something useful.

We're all hoping that accent was going to come up.

Yeah, very glad it did.

Yeah.

Because Trevor doesn't talk.

So they're like, oh, God.

So the last thing you want to hear was some guys, so there's two Tap African people.

Okay, great.

One of them doesn't talk.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Come on.

Sheila better be afraid.

I'm really hoping that Sheila gets a line in this story.

Oh, God.

I think it was on Christmas Eve.

Yeah, that's quite a dull thing to have to do on Christmas Eve, isn't it?

Whatever.

Not for Trev, it sounds like...

Yeah.

It sounds like he voluntarily did it.

I think he was relieved.

Yeah, because he's not being useful in conversation, is he?

He's not really.

He clearly doesn't want to be hanging out with people.

Yeah, maybe didn't like the family.

Ah, that's all.

Maybe it was more Sheila's thing.

Oh, maybe it was more Sheila's thing.

Maybe talk to the drolls.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to.

I'm going to have to unravel 40 years of family mythology here when I get there.

How did they know your parents?

I think it was through work.

God, maybe that was right.

I love that as a kid.

You don't even question things like that.

Of course you do.

I think it was through work.

Just two South Africans turned up on your doorstep every Christmas.

No idea how they knew them, actually.

Yeah.

Hello.

We had Beryl and Rafi every Christmas as well.

Yes, you did.

Beryl and Rafi.

Rafi, they were absolutely gorgeous.

And they were from the Caribbean.

Luckily, they were both signed.

They were from Isha.

Oh okay there you go.

Yeah and Isha's in Surrey.

Okay.

Yeah because we were in Leatherhead.

And they were so nice.

They were childless and so they gave

massive

they gave massive presents to us.

Bigger than our own parents.

It's a bit embarrassing.

Hang on.

Bigger than the presents that your parents gave you or physically bigger than each of your parents in the age.

Look at the

That's so frank.

So I mean bigger than our parents gave us.

So for example, I mean lovely and I don't want to diss my mum but you know times were tough.

It was the 70s.

We were four kids.

There's a lot of going on.

Couldn't even afford to parrot doll's house.

Well

thank you.

You know so I got it was really lovely.

It was a it was a set of paints.

It was a set of paints.

That is a lovely present to get isn't it?

Yeah.

Isn't it?

Nurturing your creative side.

Exactly.

It was small.

There were only six, I think there were six paints.

But anyway, in come Ruddy, Beryl and Rafi Rafi with like skateboards, princess dolls.

Oh, they gave me a music box

with a ballerina that went round and round.

I mean,

really kind.

Your parents have got to be angry about that, though.

Yeah.

I think they had a word, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Listen, come over here.

Listen, Beryl, Rafi.

I know your child.

But don't you come here, give a big impression.

I've got a cut of fucking paints.

Are you fucking shit at me?

Are you shit at me?

I have to go upstage as an old fucking house.

I think it was a bit upstage.

Anyone else pop over for Christmas?

So, Trev and Sheila, that was usually Christmas.

That was in the day.

Beryl and Rafi in the evening.

And Bob and Gwen.

Of course.

How do we forget Bob and Gwynne?

Bob and Gwen.

So nice.

Welsh.

And they were neighbours.

Yes.

And...

What sort of things would they say?

Well, I loved Gwen.

She was so lovely.

She always gave small salmon and things like that.

And I've got Bob.

Yeah, Bob.

Bob, slightly grinchy, but

no, they were great.

And I think they used to help Father Christmas fill the stockings.

Yeah.

So that was fun.

That was good.

We'd hear, you know, all sorts going on as they filled the stockings.

I don't want to give away that Father Christmas.

You don't want to give it away to our listeners.

Fair enough.

Okay.

We have a lot of families in the world.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

for the listeners.

They were Father Christmas's helpers.

Yeah, so there's a lot.

They were at Bob and Gum were elves.

So everyone knows all the elves are Welsh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the way it goes.

Yeah.

It's like, you know, in the New Lord of the Rings series, people are learning that all hobbits are Irish.

People don't know that all elves are Welsh.

Yeah.

North Polar elves, anyway.

I never got through The Hobbit.

I couldn't do it.

Book or film?

Book.

Okay.

Couldn't.

No, you couldn't do it.

Pretty short book.

I mean, have you read it?

Yeah.

Yeah, Ed?

My dad read it to me, so I don't know if that counts.

If I'm honest,

if I'm honest, my mum read it to me.

Yeah.

So we've both done the audiobook in a way.

Oh, that's so lovely.

God, I've never read a book that long to my own kids.

That makes me feel bad.

No.

Do you know?

Like 11 pages max.

What?

Like a, you know, a picture book.

Not a big tone.

Too much commitment.

Oh, it's quite short, The Hobbit.

It's quite short.

Guys, it's 200.

Do you think of Lord of the Rings?

No, The Hobbit's like 300 pages, isn't it?

Oh, sure, it is that long.

I was was in Norland.

It's pretty short.

Good for you though.

Good for your parents.

That's brilliant.

Would your kids ever say like, Mummy,

can you read this book to me?

No, no.

Just too tonight.

Well, listen.

Been up all night rapping.

I get it.

I always found that reading books was quite tiring.

Because

you want to invest in the characters, you want to go large, you want to do all the voices.

Well, as we've already seen with Bob and Gwen.

You know, exactly.

So, if you're gonna take on something like the Ruddy Hobbit,

that's quite that's full on.

And you're just making all the characters Welsh or South African.

Every single book.

I like Frudel.

I love Frudel.

It's great.

That's a good accent you've got there.

Thanks very much.

So are there some key things I should know about Lord of the Rings?

Don't worry, we've got you covered.

Yeah, we've got you covered here.

Can you give me some stuff?

Yes.

Just some little bits and bots.

Catchphrases.

One of the main catchphrases is spear them in the penis.

Spear them in the penis.

Yes.

The orcs.

Lord of the Rings.

They go for their penises with the spears.

For the spears at their penises, at their dicks.

I thought it was a kids' film.

That's why they say penis.

Oh, he's...

Spear them in the penis.

Guys, are you winding me up?

Also,

they tickle the orcs.

That makes them go rigid.

You know, like those goats?

Yep.

That's what what it's based on.

They tickle the orcs, they go rigid, and then they spear them in the penis.

J.R.L.

Tolkien used to work with goats when he looked at goat farms, so he based most of the orcs on goats.

Oh, really?

Like, he based the trees on Lewis Carroll.

That's you, C.S.

Lewis.

C.S.

Lewis.

Narnia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he based the orcs on the goats.

Guys, are you winding me up like a bloody kipper?

It does sound far-fetched.

Yeah, I'm aware of that.

I think it sounds far-fetched.

It sounds ridiculous.

But you know, they're trying to get a ring into a volcano.

it's pretty far-fetched anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is silly.

And the baddie is...

It's not

a good idea.

There's Sauron, who's the big eye.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's like a flaming eye.

Yeah.

And club cakes.

That's just made up.

No, clabcakes isn't made up.

That's just...

Clabcakes is like...

Is it Mordor?

Is it Mordor?

That's where that's.

That's where they have to throw it into Mount Doom.

But to get past, they've got the orcs, obviously, and Clabcakes, and then they finally get to Sauron clab cakes sounds like a sort of Scottish delicacy.

Oh, you'll be having a clab cake

with your bridal slab

Clab cakes.

Yes, who played clab cakes in the film?

I think it's one of those CGI.

Oh, it was

Yeah, CGI.

It was a CGI person, but it was coming.

It was the person who was Do you know it was Jack from Lost?

Yeah, you know who the Hobbits were Elijah Wood?

Yeah.

The guy, another guy from Lost, the Scottish guy from Lost.

You and McGregor?

Dominic.

No, yeah, Dominic Monaghan and Alan Davis were the three main holes.

Alan Davis the comedian.

Yes.

Boom.

That's a great gig.

Yeah.

And he's very modest about it.

I had no idea.

Yeah, yeah.

He's a dark horse.

And didn't they all have a tattoo done?

Anyone who's in the film has got the same tattoos.

See them in the penis was tattooed on their arms.

I don't know if I believe any of this.

I'm going to have to go and read it.

Oh, God.

No, you don't have to read it.

It's not Christmassy, though, is it?

No, it's not Christmassy.

christmassy five gold rings oh yeah five gold rings oh quite christmassy yeah oh a child's christmas in wales that's a lovely book to read the kids is it yeah

it's a bit old school it's old um

oh i was about to say bob dylan it's not bob dylan it's dylan thomas dylan thomas when we were kids we went to dylan thomas's house the mum and dad took us there And all day long, my brother, who's the youngest, thought we were going to see two people called Tim and Thomas.

Tim and Thomas?

Was he really excited?

Yeah, it's like, well, we're going to go and visit our friends, Tim and Thomas.

Tim and Thomas, yeah.

Yeah.

And we got there.

It's like, what the fuck?

No one's even here.

It stinks.

Did you go?

Were you allowed to go in it, or was it just like, oh, we're standing outside?

I actually can't remember at all.

I just remember that's the story that always gets told.

Tim and Thomas.

He was like, we're going to see Tim and Thomas today.

And very confused when we got there.

Oh, bless him.

Speaking of names, my

sister's family have loads of chickens and they've named them all steadily after bake-off presenters judges so you've got your Prue your Mary your Paul Paula because they're all chickens and not there's no one sorry Paula so they've they had to go for Paula Mel and Sue obviously Matt and Noel Sandy Noel I don't think there's been a Matt I texted my sister about it before this so she said that the only ones that are alive now are Paula and Sandy.

Oh dear.

They're the only two that are still alive.

That makes sense.

They're the real gritty ones, aren't they?

Aren't they?

Mel was a very good layer.

Did Mel die?

What did Mel die?

Mel died of old age, as did Sue and Mary.

Noel, on the other hand, died of fright during a thunderstorm.

What about Prue?

Prue's still going, surely.

Prue was eggbound, and the egg got stuck

because of all the pressure and the strain, and she died.

So Prue exploded?

Yes.

I didn't know that a chicken could die like that.

She was eggbound.

So she was in the process of laying.

First, first ever egg.

Oh no.

Didn't come out.

And the cloaca got absolutely jam-packed.

Jammed.

Precious.

Yeah.

That's bad.

And MSL.

That's bad.

Oh.

Scientifically,

what is that exactly?

What happens?

What?

Well,

she's not getting choked, is she?

She just can't release the egg.

So why would you die from that?

Yeah, all I've got here for my sister is, yeah, something to do with the pressure and straining.

i mean i've sometimes i find myself in that situation i think i'd rather be dead than go through this i mean

christmas can be quite an interesting thing for that

guys isn't it

because you forget to drink water you're just solidly on the ruddy booze aren't you yeah and you're eating all that stuff all the chocks all the stuff that can bag you up yeah truly eggbound overall of christmas

let's let's remind people to drink water at christmas because you don't want to be like that chicken.

No, you don't, you don't.

Prue.

Prune leaf the chicken.

Prue leaf the chicken.

Prue.

Prunes are always good.

Prunes.

Prune juice.

Do you know I've suddenly remembered?

So remember, prune leaf.

Prune leaf.

Remember that, everyone.

Prune leaf for Christmas.

Prune leaf.

I've suddenly remembered something.

Seriously, this is true, just because we're chatting.

Just suddenly remembered, oh my God, have you ever done Christmas with a girlfriend slash boyfriend that you know you're not meant to be with and you go to them for Christmas and you just know it's not right?

I have not.

I was at a boyfriend's for Christmas once.

I always do Christmas at home.

Always, always, always.

When I was, you know, single or with a partner or whatever, always at home.

It's just natural, isn't it?

You know, if you, if you're lucky enough to, you know, have a family and get on with them and stuff.

So I always did it at home.

I went to his for Christmas.

Oh my God.

And I knew it was over when the whole family, absolutely true, before Christmas lunch in the morning, fried up some steaks

and started eating the steaks at like half 10 in the morning.

And I was like,

what's going on here?

And they said, oh no, we always do this.

We like to stretch our stomachs before Christmas lunch so we can eat more.

But isn't, I don't understand that because isn't it just eating loads of food?

Well, yeah.

I've heard that.

You can't eat more.

Isn't that horrible?

I just thought, I kind of knew it was over anyway before I went, but that was the absolute, that was the nail in the coffin.

I thought, I'm out of here.

Are you going out with the rock?

I mean, I've heard people say like people have got weird Christmas

breakfasts to, you know, breakfasts meant to stretch your stomachs so you can eat more later on in the day.

I've heard people say that, but I don't know why.

This family decided it has to be a steak.

Such a creepy thing to wake up and they're all fried steaks steaks going, we're stretching our stomachs.

I know, I know, it's horrible.

But other people's Christmases are weird.

They just, they are, and they must never be sampled.

No.

That's what I learned.

They must never be sampled.

Never, ever, ever have Christmas at anyone else's.

Well, I've been to my wife's family a couple of times for Christmas.

Okay, so that's, yeah, yeah.

And that's, that's quite often when I was having Christmas at my mum's,

we're quite close to their family geographically, so we can literally just, I can drive over, spend a bit of time there and drive back.

But then we spent Christmas there, and it's pretty, it's you know, similar.

Yeah, but they eat it so late.

Oh, no, I can't bear that.

They have Christmas lunch.

Like what?

Christmas lunch at five.

My mother-in-law will be listening to this.

Oh, but we had Christmas lunch so late.

What time?

Six?

6 p.m.

It was like late.

It was late, late.

It was like 5.

I remember this because I was literally getting texts.

Yeah.

While it was happening, going to the end.

Still haven't had it.

It was worth the wait.

It was worth the wait.

Absolutely fantastic.

And, you know,

my mother-in-law had made some compromises for me because I had mentioned I like parsnips.

And she was like, what?

Why are we do not have parsnips with Christmas lunch?

So then she made some parsnips.

Oh, she did.

But a little gesture like that can make you feel at home at Christmas if you're at someone else's.

Yeah.

I'm never going to do it again, though.

Never.

Never, ever, ever, ever.

We have, my husband, actually, I know he's never said it, but I know he finds it weird.

We have a tradition.

And again, it's the 70s.

This is, you know, the 70s coming into play we always have

with

with Christmas dinner um a tin of sweet corn yeah see I think I'd walk out you see I can see in your faces he I know he cannot bear this but I have to because it's tradition it's what we did it's what we always did so how did that happen I don't know mum probably a few sherries down the old you know gullet just thinking oh let's throw the sweet corn you know I don't know I don't know it's lovely with gravy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

We always start with still a sparkling water for your dream meal.

Do you have a preference?

I don't like water.

Here we go.

Wow, here we go.

Now, a big swing, all right.

You and Claudia Winkleman.

Oh, did Winkle say that?

Winkleman hates water.

I hates it.

You see,

I will have a sparkling water with a dash of something.

I'll have a sparkling water with a dash of, let's say, elderflower.

Sparkling water with a dash of I don't know essence of raspberry something like that.

But neat sparkling water, no thank you ma'am.

But neat and neat still as well you feel the same about neat still?

It depends how thirsty you are.

Yeah.

Look, if I'm super thirsty, I'll drink, I'll drink, you know, I would drink anything.

I'd drink a puddle, I'd drink, you know.

Do you drink a puddle?

Do you know I wouldn't?

I'd never, I'd never do that.

Would you?

Depends where the puddle is.

I won't drink a puddle.

Yeah, it depends where the puddle is.

Where's the puddle in this scenario?

Yeah, if it's in a sort of crystal, if it was in Iceland,

super clean.

I'd drink an Iceland puddle.

I've often thought as I prepare the dogs water bowls, if I was desperate, would I drink their water?

Do you know what I mean?

Would you?

If I'd seen them drink out of it.

Yeah, exactly.

If you've seen them drink out of it.

I think not.

What's the...

Okay, so I'm just struggling to imagine the scenario where you're letting your dogs have a drink and then you're so desperate for a drink that you push your dog out of the way.

And let's not forget the use of the word often in

this setup of you've often thought this.

Yeah.

Is this every time you fill up the water bowls?

You think, could I?

Because

the dog bowls are around the whole time, aren't they?

They're just there in the kitchen the whole time.

So whenever I go into the kitchen, I'm just like, hmm.

I just think, would I?

Would I?

If I was desperate for the bowl.

So say they've shut the water.

And all that's left is the water in the dog.

It's the water in the dog bowl.

Would you drink it if you were...

Of course you would.

I don't think I would.

Would you, Mel?

Here's a really good question, though.

If you absolutely had to,

do you think you'd have the wherewithal to bend down, pick up the bowl and drink it like a human, or would you go hand in knees?

Yeah.

I'm going to be honest, while you're thinking, it didn't even occur to me to drink it like a human.

Really?

Yeah, I just thought, yeah, I'm getting out of the way.

Hands in knees, the shit.

You know, you're drinking the dog's water.

You've got to show respect to the dogs.

Well, I'm with you, James.

Yes.

I would get on all fours, go down and

lap it up.

And don't dogs...

Hang on.

There's a difference between a dog and a cat.

A cat...

They're at loads, yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Doesn't a cat use its tongue and sort of...

cup it up towards itself so the the tongue bends into itself oh i don't know actually i've got a cat i should should have noticed this, really.

They go like that, they sort of, like a sort of scooping action.

Yeah.

But doesn't the dog do it the other way?

Up, up and in.

Yeah, lap, lap, lap, and then scoop, scoop, scoop.

Yeah, maybe.

That's something to think about when you're down there in the dog bowl.

I often think, Mel, when I'm

scooping my cat's litter tray,

if I was desperate,

could I go toilet in this litter tray?

I thought you were going to say, would you eat it?

Oh, of course I, of course I would.

So you go in the litter tray?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, come on, team.

Let's not be, let's not be, come on.

James, come on.

Number one or number two?

Both.

It's in your own house.

Yeah.

You're worried about that.

I would actively like to have a win the litter tray because the lit the litter is clumping.

Yeah.

So it all solidifies into a big ball.

I'd like to see what happens if I.

You must have done it.

I've not done honestly not done it.

Honestly not done it.

I wouldn't if I'd done it, I wouldn't have brought it up.

I would have just told you I'd done it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't believe.

God, because I've never owned cats, so I've I've never had that conundrum.

Maybe this Christmas, maybe after a Christmas party, or you'd be a bit drunk and decide to use the litter tray.

Yeah.

Does it have a lid on it, or is it just open?

It does.

It's quite a deep thing.

It's got a lid on it

with a hole in the top, and then he can just, he goes into the hole and sits there.

So you just see these sort of top, the tops of his ears while he's in the toilet.

So would you go through the hole or would you take the lid off?

It's not that big, Mel.

Okay.

Oh, I assume.

Oh,

I was assuming

it's not that big.

What's not that big?

No, the hole.

Oh, the hole.

But I thought you were asking me, would I fully get inside the litter trait?

No.

Mel, did you think?

No.

Oh, Tor.

Oh, Tor.

Visual geometry was never my strong point.

I don't even understand what you thought I might have been saying in

relation to the hole.

I think you thought

me squatting over with the lid on and pooing into the hole.

No, I was imagining aiming

number onesies.

And you thought through that.

And I was suggesting that my penis was so small I couldn't aim it anywhere

and that you looked so apologetic

when I said it's not that big you looked oh I'm so sorry that I made you have to talk about your tiny penis yes Mel I have a micro penis and I can't even get it with my fingers yeah you wouldn't be able to aim it through any hole because that's not all the time I have to lie flat on my face with my crotch in the litter tray

oh guys

no that was that was very confusing yeah you thought I was saying something different as well.

No, I thought Mel was saying you would squat over and dump into the hole or whatever.

And when you said it's not that big, you were talking about the hole isn't that big.

Yeah.

Yes.

So therefore.

I was assuming Mel was saying would I get fully into the list rate?

Obviously not.

Because it's not that big.

Crouching.

But I would take...

Yes,

I'd probably take the lid off.

Take the lid off and then...

Go toilet inner.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think it's open season.

I think it's open season.

If you've got cat litter there, just make use.

As a lady of a certain age who these days, sorry, gang, to share with you lovely young uns, you know, it's it gets it gets tricky.

You know,

what am I trying to say?

I often was in the garden.

Because I can't make it into the front door, guys.

This is welcome to the menopause.

What am I trying to say?

I often was in the garden.

Sorry.

You had two choices there who you make eye contact with.

Thank you for making it me.

But honestly, it's like Pavlov's dog, aka.

I don't know why I keep saying that, but anyway, I quite like it.

You have the key, you have your front door key

ready and waiting.

So that makes you need a wee.

So I get the key out because I think, oh, I'll be really efficient.

And I go around the corner, I see the house, and then

it all things just escalate.

Yeah, and one doesn't sometimes make it through the door.

Hence, it's like the cat litter: your garden is your own.

Yeah, oh, yeah, isn't it?

Yeah, so look, you can water your garden, but isn't it your front garden?

Front garden, as in, yeah, I'm not talking, I'm not doing euphemisms, but like, it's your front garden.

So, are you

but you're you're risking being seen by your neighbours.

I've grown a quince tree.

I've grown a quince tree.

You can get under that full coverage.

It's a very good grower.

It's grown quickly.

Yeah, yeah.

Two years.

Can I just say something?

And it is very much related to this.

I was quite shocked.

Ordered an Indian takeaway

the other night from a place that we love.

Where is this going?

Yep.

Yep.

Love it.

It's our local really nice family run and was really excited and a couple of friends were coming around

which is also lovely and the door went open the door and my friend Lisa had the takeaway in her hand.

She went get inside get inside get inside.

So we got inside and shut the door and the guy that had delivered the food

Had taken a Waz in the front garden.

No.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Under the quince tree.

Not on not even under the quince tree by the bins.

Not even into a flower bed.

Oh, no.

Do you know what?

I'm so ruddy, British, and polite.

I never even phoned them to complain.

No.

And we ate the food.

And you'll get another takeaway from there, won't you?

Yeah.

I think that's bad, though.

That's bad.

It is bad.

That's awful.

Yeah, yeah.

Deliver a takeaway and then take a whaz in the person you've just delivered to.

Yeah, it is awful.

It's really bad.

It's delicious, though.

Yeah.

It's good food.

Yeah.

Good food.

Yeah.

Can't complain.

Yeah.

And then, you know, once you've digested the the food, you dumped it in the same place anyway, didn't you?

Near where he's gone.

Yeah, no wonder that quintree grew quickly.

Oh,

God.

I can't believe he did it on concrete, though.

There's something really disrespectful.

Yeah.

If you're going to do it, at least do it into a flower bed.

Also for yourself.

You don't want splash back, do you?

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's disgraceful.

Yeah, it was.

Oh, dear.

Pop loves our bread.

Pop loves on bread, Mel Get like.

Pop nozzle bread.

Oh, God.

Okay, have we got the chutneys?

chutneys?

Yeah, you got the pneumonne.

Oh, yeah.

You got the chutneys.

Well, of course it's pops.

Is it pops all the way?

It pops all the way because you have the beautiful array of your lime, your lime chili, your lime chutney, your mint chutney, your yogurty minty.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Mango chutney?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With your breads.

It's a bit, I don't know, it's a bit root one, isn't it, with the breads?

Sure.

What do you do with the breads?

I mean, there's nothing to go on the bread.

Butter.

Butter, I suppose there is butter.

Yeah.

No, it's too claggy as well.

Okay, so you want the crispy, the sort of crispy chicken.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, crispy snacky.

Love that.

I mean, you just ate a packet of mini cheddars.

You want to talk about claggy?

Have you heard a mini cheddar when it's in action?

They're claggy.

They get claggy in your mouth.

It's a snapper and then it clags.

It goes snap to clag very quickly.

I don't think it goes to clag a mini cheddar.

Not in when I'm masturgating.

Definitely not.

You swallow them pretty much whole though, don't you?

I go very, very fast.

I woof them down.

I love a mini cheddar at Christmas, actually.

Do you?

Yeah.

The big sort of tubs of mini cheddars they sell at Christmas.

Yeah.

I love, in fact, thank you for tubs.

Any tub at Christmas is a joy, isn't it?

A tub of twiglets.

Uh-huh.

Tub of cheds, tub of twigs.

Yeah.

Tubs aren't a year-round thing.

If you eat a tub during the rest of the year,

you feel pretty gross, I'd say.

A tub of Jaffa cakes.

You know, those elongated like a tube

only at Christmas.

Those are great.

They're good.

Yeah, Yeah, really good.

What's the biggest topo one you've ever eaten?

Oh,

I think it was in the 80s.

Yeah.

Everything was a bit oversized, you know, a bit flash, flash harry.

I think,

I don't know where that came from.

Yeah, no.

He was in Blackhazard, wasn't he?

Flash Harry was.

No.

Flash Heart.

Flash Heart.

Harry Flash Heart.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I loved him.

Rick Mail.

I would say it was a real big one and it was

from...

Not

I think it had come straight from Switzerland.

How do you?

Yeah.

Somebody had been, it was the 80s, on a skiing holiday.

Trevor.

It's probably Trevor.

Definitely Trevor.

They would definitely go on skiing holidays.

And my mum and dad would be a little bit disapproving.

It was a little bit like, oh, great.

That kind of vibe.

Oh.

They might have even brought you.

brought you that big tobacco and you never know i don't think it was them actually but they could have done just post that yeah yeah yeah yeah what are we talking what we're talking like a big airport boy I'm actually I'm salivating yeah yeah yeah I'm salivating but

so good but you know what I love and I don't know when it came in you guys can probably tell me

when the dark Toblerone came in which year was that

I think I was uh which year was that oh 90s in the 90s I was still a kid

was dark pre-white oh white.

Too sweet.

Far too sweet.

I can't even...

Anything white chocolate, guys.

Really?

Anything.

Oh, it makes me feel so ill.

I could actually make myself sick live on your podcast.

Imagining white chocolate.

Yeah.

Imagine being forced.

You know, Bruce Bogtrotter in

Matilda.

Imagine if that chocolate was white.

Listen to this.

There's a company in Leeds called Get Baked and they do a cake called the Bruce which is which is inspired by the Bruce Bogtrotter cake.

12 layers of this fudge chocolate fudge cake thing.

And they only sell it in slices because it's so massive.

And they sent me a slice and it's the best thing ever.

Is it?

Ed sent me a photo of it.

We got it.

It's insane.

Am I wrong in thinking, Ed?

Please.

There's white chocolate icing on the outside.

I was sent the Bruce wearing a white tux, which is the different version, which has a bit of white chocolate on the outside.

Oh, that's evil.

That is wrong.

That reminds me of the cakes they used to make for their dogs on Blue Peter.

When the icing was always white.

Thank you.

Thank you to get baked.

No, no, no.

Oh, no, I'm sure get baked are amazing.

And I would never, ever diss

a baked good.

But 12 late.

I mean, oh, it was big.

I want to hear more about these dog cakes, though.

What?

Yes.

What?

Also, I I think it's pretty rich that you're turning your nose up at dog cakes when you'd happily drink out their bowls of shit.

Shit in the cat litter.

Oh God.

Let's go on to your dream menu proper.

Your dream starter.

Dream.

Sorry.

It's all that talk.

Of white chocolate.

It's making me.

Joe, one of my favourite outtakes to watches online is you burping on Taskmaster.

Oh.

Yeah.

You're just sitting there on Taskmaster.

You burp in front of everybody in the studio.

Awful.

In front of everybody.

Oh, it's

just

awful.

Awful, awful.

That's great.

Dream starter.

Oh, dear.

It's backing up.

It's backing up, guys.

It's the talk of the white chocolate.

I'm thinking in my mind's eye of the dog cake on the beater.

Oh, dear.

Dry crackers.

We need dry crackers.

Oh, I thought that was your dream starter.

Well, I'm going to say, I'm going to say a cracker with

mackerel pate on.

Is that weak?

Is that a weak starter?

It's just

a good thing.

I don't think we've ever had a starter that starts with the word

a cracker with...

A cracker with a mackerel pate.

I love a mackerel pate.

You're absolutely preaching to the converted here.

I love a mackerel pate.

Do you make it?

No.

It's quite easy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you go for chopped hard-boiled eggs inside it?

Do you like a chopped hard-boiled egg?

Maybe.

Yeah, yeah.

I do.

I wouldn't necessarily think of it in a mackerel pate, but I don't hate the sound of it.

It's a nice little addendum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do love a mackerel pate.

It's a very good choice.

I love a mackerel pate.

I would go for that.

I'd go for that.

I was going to say or, but no, I'm going to go for that.

On a cracker rather than like little toasts or bread.

Now you're talking.

But having dissed the bread and gone for the poppadums,

do I look like a hypocrite by saying toast?

No, I don't think so.

Okay.

Don't worry what people think about you.

Yeah.

Because you just go for what you want.

You've already had the snap of the poppadums, right?

No, you can afford a little bit of softness in the toast or?

No, I want to keep it snapped.

Cracker.

Pop.

What about,

what about a little French toast?

Yeah.

Which is really...

I love a French toast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But the starter that I'm thinking of, it's kind of a build your own.

I don't want to be present.

I don't want to be presented with a plate with crackers and macro pate pre-done.

No.

I want to build it myself.

Okay.

So how much macro pate do you want?

Tons.

Tons.

Yeah.

And a whole Christmas tub of crackers.

So I can just go

and then

and just.

Like a whole sleeve.

A sleeve.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I want a whole blues on sleeve of crackers for Miss Starters.

Great.

Although one doesn't want to fill up too much.

Sure.

And it's easy to do when there's lots of, like, with lots of little bits.

You just go.

If they go in quick, then that's fatal.

Just posting them in.

Posting.

Yeah.

So, yeah, maybe seven.

Seven or eight?

Seven or eight?

What sort of crackers are they?

I think I mentioned before, Ed.

I would like French toast, please.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah,

the French toast.

Do you mean Melbourne toast?

Melbourne toast.

That's the same as French toast, isn't it?

No.

No!

Oh, my God, what am I talking about?

French toast is like with cinnamon and stuff.

But I knew what you meant.

I wonder if you can call that French toast as well.

Maybe you can as well.

I wouldn't like the sweet one with a mackerel patting.

No, probably.

No, I thought that.

Reminds me.

Although I've had a savoury French toast before, and it was delicious.

Was it?

Yeah, yeah.

A cafe in Manchester, I can't remember what was called.

Cafe de Café de Milba.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

that was good stuff.

I was like the

mushrooms and truffle and champignon, right?

The truth, right?

Simon.

You speak fluent French, don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Taskmaster again, that's how I know that.

Oh.

You and Desky.

You and Desky.

Desky.

God, don't you love Desk?

Yeah, truly.

A wonderful man.

He's absolutely great, isn't he?

I was so chuffed when I found out that I was doing Taskmaster with Desky.

I just thought, oh, everything's going to be fine.

Do you know that thing?

Yeah.

So funny when you were calling him Desky.

Just back to the studio.

What's all this?

He didn't love it.

No.

He kept that secret for years.

He completely blew it.

Now he's Desky.

Desky.

Yeah.

He's a terrible name, isn't it?

Your dream main course.

Scotch eggs.

What?

What?

Guys, what's the problem?

What is the problem here?

Have you ever had a home-made scotch egg?

Yeah, and

you have to pronounce it scotch egg as if it's just one word.

Yeah, scotch egg.

We went on tour.

Sue and I went on tour with a brilliant band once.

And Denny, the guitarist,

always said scotch egg.

Yeah.

And we just picked out the children of the hole.

Do you know that, Monica?

Scotch egg.

Scotch egg.

All right, Den.

Yeah, yeah, fine.

I'm going to have a scotch egg.

How often was Denny having a scotch egg?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, daily.

But these weren't like the homemade, like.

No, this would have been absolute, you know, stop in your old petrol station.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Follow the feet on the floor to the microwave, you know, one of those.

But you're talking about like one from a restaurant, a hot one, runny middle.

I'm talking Ponce, man.

I'm not going to be all disingenuous and say, oh, no, one from Tesco's fine.

I want an absolute, expensive, hum dinger

of a Scotch egg.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, come on.

They're delicious.

Oh, look, it's great.

You're having it hot, hot from the fryer?

Of course.

Nice soft yolk, not running out of it, but it's like that perfect kind of bite.

It's got to be perfect.

What's the meat?

Because you can get loads of different ones.

Well, interestingly, I was was very fortunate enough.

Big Zoo,

his amazing chefs, they made me a scotch egg.

Yeah.

And it was lamb.

Oh, nice.

And you know what?

I'm not going to lie, before I had it, I thought,

will this be as good as the scotch eggs that I'm used to?

It was better.

My.

It was spicy lamb mince.

Not mint.

Meat.

Lamb meat.

Yeah, but it would be mince.

It would be mince.

Yeah, it would be mint, yeah.

James, you're so sweet.

Really encouraging.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's mints.

Yeah, it's mint.

It would be mint, yeah.

Because you've got to shape it around the egg, right?

So it's going to be good.

With herbs, guys, with herbs.

Yeah, with herbs.

Shout out to Tubbsy and Hyder.

Oh.

Tubsy and Hyder, man.

Tubsy and Hyder.

I mean, you said you love Tubbs at Christmas.

Oh.

Tubsy's coming to town.

I love those two.

Yeah, they're great.

They're all, I mean, it's such a fun show to do.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

And they really do make some excellent food.

They make some incredible food.

I burnt the roof of my mouth on the first bite.

Oh, what did you have?

Well they did me a popped domesto bread thing because of the podcast.

Oh of course.

Oh I stuck it in my mouth.

Delicious.

Instantly burnt the roof of my mouth.

Stuck up to the roof.

Oh I went in too fast.

So took a layer of skin off the roof of my mouth in pain for the rest of the episode.

Eating everything.

It was all delicious.

And luckily the final dish was loads of ice cream.

So I really went.

I ate the whole of that.

Smoking.

Yeah, I ate all of that.

Thank you, Tumsian Heider.

Thank you, Big Su.

Do you know what?

Talking of hot foods that one eats too quickly, I remember this so clearly.

It was November the 5th, bonfire night.

Chowed into a baked potato, fainted.

Blooming fainted.

And my mum thought I was,

mum thought I was mucking about.

Because I literally just went

at the dinner table.

And I just remember waking up out of the faint to my mum going, stop it, Melly.

Sorry, you know, getting attention.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Getting attention again.

Sort of thing.

Because it was so hot, you fainted.

It was so hot.

It was really unpleasant.

It was so hot you fainted.

Yeah.

I'm really greedy.

My mum timed dinner once in the 70s.

It could have been the 80s.

Timed our dinner, a family dinner.

So the six of us around the table.

Just a relaxing child, did you?

Relaxing children out.

Seven minutes.

Your whole dinner.

Start to finish.

The whole family.

Because she used to bug the absolute crap out of her because obviously she went to the massive effort of cooking beautiful, you know, lovely food every single day.

And it used to, we just went

like that, you know.

So she timed it.

Did she tell you she was going to time it?

No.

And then someone, when it's finished, she went, right, that's a look.

That's seven minutes.

I think it might even have been less than seven minutes, actually.

That's quite bad.

Do you know you're supposed to chew something 40 times?

It's crazy.

However, many times you're supposed to chew something, it's mad.

Have you tried that?

Yeah, it takes ages.

But it's disgusting.

It's horrible by the end, yeah.

40 times.

Imagine eating doing your Christmas dinner and having to chew every mouthful 40 times.

That is awful.

Thank you.

Everything down in seven minutes.

Pars that on the table.

Jobs are good.

Mel just burped again.

On to the cat listener.

Every time

Mel burps, just looks over at me.

Every time she doesn't look at me, does it?

Oh, it's awful.

It's awful.

It's not clever and it's awful.

I'm sorry.

Do you want the

Big Zoo Tubsy Hider lamb scotch eggs for your main course then?

Your dream main course?

Or do you want a selection of scotch eggs Plural?

Yeah.

I think scotch eggs.

Let's go plural.

Let's go for a Tubsy Hider and let's go for,

oh, I went, oh, I went to a lovely pub in Gloucestershire about a year ago, and they did a super Scotch egg.

Yeah.

Handmade.

I'd go for that again.

I can't remember what the pub was called, but it was one of those really sort of cozy, cozy woesy, you know, fire-on,

Cotswold stone.

Do you know what I mean?

Was that like a traditional pork scotch egg?

It was, it was,

I think it was a bit poncy, actually.

Yeah.

It was a bit poncy.

It was really delicious.

I had a very good Scotch egg from there's a bakery in Bristol below Templemead station.

Oh, yeah.

Heart bakery.

In the subway bit when you go to

the yeah, so you walk down the slope and then you can go back in and there's like, yeah, just under the under the slope is the heart bakery, which is fantastic.

They did a scotch egg with like naga chili, so it was quite spicy.

It was fantastic.

hearts yeah h h a r t I'll remember that I will travel for a scotch egg yeah well and it's pretty easy because it's right next to the train station yeah

I love a scotch egg

even a cheapo yeah

your shirt James is the colour of a scotch egg is it the oak the no the outside

outside yeah you look like a lovely scotch egg oh dear me that's why you keep looking at me I know

burping at you

my eyes keep locking with you across the table because you're wearing a scotch egg.

With a scotch egg.

There's something about that initial purchase of tooth

into outer casing.

Yeah.

Isn't there?

There's just something about that.

Let's talk about that.

Let's talk about that because that first bite of a scotch egg, I want to get egg in there.

And I don't like it when sometimes I buy

and I just get the

ass.

And the egg stays inside untouched.

I'm like, god damn it.

I don't don't know how you feel about this.

But with the big posh scotch eggs in restaurants, et cetera, when they're hot, how do you feel about the slice in half and then you bite half?

So you get a cut through, you can see everything.

But twice bite everything.

Yeah, that's good.

That's very satisfying, actually.

Yeah, I'll definitely go for that.

I've had a black pudding one recently as well.

Yeah.

So instead of sausage meat, it's black pudding on the outside.

Very, very good.

Unbelievable.

We can wipe one of those on there for you as well if you want.

Let's have a sort of a pyramid of scotch eggs.

Like a Ferrero Roche pyramid with scotch eggs.

Yeah.

Thank you.

And somebody comes in

and says, what's the catchphrase?

Oh, the ambassador's always delighted to see.

But it should be that's the seed.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

No, it's the catchphrase.

What is it?

Hang on.

Oh,

what is it?

Well, the ambassador is always delighted to see you or something.

That sounds wrong.

Really lame catchphrase.

What is it?

Oh, the ambassador's reception is always...

Something about the ambassador's reception.

God.

Oh, was it voiceover, or was it actually somebody speaking?

I think it was a voiceover, wasn't it?

The ambassador's receptions were always highly talked about.

Something like that.

And then someone would come in and say, The ambassador is always pleased to see you.

It wasn't that, was it?

No, it wasn't even close enough.

It was.

Do you know?

Our ambassador with these Ferrero Russia is already spoiled.

Oh!

Oh, James!

Oh, God, of course it is.

That really annoys me.

No, I think you're pretty close with the ambassador, as always.

Very happy to see you here.

What is it again, James?

Ambassador's reception's always highly talked about.

What was it?

Our ambassador with these Ferrero Rochesters, you're really spoiling us.

That's exactly it.

Our ambassador with these Scotch eggs, you're really spoiling us.

There you go.

Yeah, it's the spoiling us, isn't it?

That's the key.

Yeah.

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You check your feed and your account, you check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

It's a Christmas episode.

So, we're going to hear about your Christmas dinner now.

We've had a lot of nice Christmas chats.

Yeah.

Yeah, what would be your dream Christmas meal?

What are you having?

Oh,

okay.

Do you know, right?

This is what I'd love to do on Christmas.

Yeah.

With your Christmas dinner, you've got to have everything,

aka all the trimmings.

All the trimmings.

It's a kind of thing.

You have to.

If you've got your potatoes, you've got your sprouts, you've got your carrots, you've got your parsnips, you've got your turkey, the whole darn thing.

And your tinner tinnisweet corn and your tinnisweet corn thank you ed

what i would like to do is just do away with the slightly boring elements and just go for the highlights okay take us through what the bore the boring elements are boring elements the potatoes wow whoa that is huge sorry that's a big swing that is huge i i sense hostility no no you know what no hostility here i think it's about time someone remixed a christmas dinner i just feel like like there's going to be a lot of people listening.

That's a bridge too far, isn't it?

That is privilege.

Mute all your socials when this goes out.

I'm not on any.

Well, congratulations, because

I'm not on a single platform.

Super's going to get a load of shit.

Yeah.

That's the back of this episode.

I'm going to be just prepare for this, guys.

Buckle up.

I'm saying do away with the turkey.

Wow.

Potatoes and turkey and sprouts.

Okay.

And carrots and parsnips.

So you're just going to have a tin of sweet corn for Christmas.

I'm going to go for pigs in blankets, stuffing, gravy, tin of sweet corn.

Because those are my highlights.

Yeah.

And the bread sauce.

Oh, I love that.

Apologies to the quinstry.

With this load going in.

Just pigs in blankets and tin of sweet corn.

Yeah.

Well, that quince tree is.

That's a quinstry.

I'll get about a month off.

Yeah.

I love bread sauce, guys.

I could literally upend a vat of bread sauce and just go,

I love it with gravy.

In fact, let's do away with the pigs and blankets.

Oh, no.

Now you're going too far.

And possibly the sweet corn and just have the bread sauce and gravy.

And bread sauce and gravy.

That's your dream Christmas.

And stuffing.

Bread sauce, gravy and stuffing.

That's your dream Christmas.

Yeah, I could do that.

That's great.

It's like Christmas dinner in an old people's home.

Do you want to get all nice and soft stuff you can chew with no teeth?

Now, here's what I'm about to ask you.

And I.

We have only just met today.

Yeah.

I feel a little bit hesitant asking you this.

Go on.

But.

Am I free for a drink after the shirt?

Yes.

When Sue came on, she told a story that's very memorable to the listeners.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

About a shaman who blew raspberry vodka up her bum.

It's so good.

You've just chosen for your Christmas dinner gravy and bread sauce.

How would you like to consume that?

do you want to upend the bat like you said or do you want to get the shaman out

and we the shaman is

the shaman is not available to all of our guests no the shaman is only available to you and and perks and perks

i'd worry about the clagging if the shaman was involved yeah yeah yeah because bread sauce there's there's there's a lot more volume to it isn't it and also because it would be he'd be under the surface of a hot tub wouldn't he?

Yes, because he is going to be a bad body.

So,

even if the bread sauce wasn't going where it's going,

I wouldn't be confident that he could blow bread sauce through a straw into a hot tub anyway.

Yeah, I'd worry.

I would

globule pretty quickly.

It would

absorbly.

Thank you for globule.

I would

I'd like it out of a shoe.

You know how in those really glamorous films you see people drinking, you know, champagne out of a colour.

A chicken shoe out of like a high heel.

Yeah.

It's Christmas.

Let's get it in a shoe.

Yeah.

Bread sauce in a shoe.

And upend it.

Don't know.

Let's go mad.

Curly elf shoe.

Something like that.

A Christmassy-related shoe.

Yeah.

Is that the bread sauce and the gravy in the stew?

Yes.

Shoe.

Not in a stew.

Sorry, I had a gravy and I went with stew.

Actually, that's the thing.

They must be slightly separate.

I don't like it all...

mushed up together.

Yeah.

You want to have your gravy, your bread sauce, and your stuffing.

Yes.

Those are the highlights of the meal, guys.

I was on board with you until you got rid of pigs and blankets.

That was rash.

Hello.

Russia.

That was Rasher, wasn't it?

It was.

Let's bring those back.

Can we have them back?

Yes.

Oh, absolutely.

Let's bring them back.

Also, and it's a pun that's already been done on Taskmaster, but melon shoe?

Melon shoe.

Are we going to say that again?

Actually, I'm now thinking, haha, the shoe is a bit comedy, comedy.

No, I just want it on a plate.

You know, I was trying to outdo Sue's anecdote was what I was trying to do.

Yeah.

You know, I was trying to sort of be more off the wall.

You can't be more off the wall than a shaman blowing raspberry vodka up your noon.

Absolutely.

So was it the new noose or was it, was it

wherever it was?

It was up the bum.

Up the bum.

So I'm not going to say shoe.

I'm going to just say give me a good old fashioned plate.

But

because you want everything

divided, do you want a prison tray?

That would be nice.

You're welcome.

Merry Christmas.

Prison tray.

Prison tray.

Prison tray.

That's so festive.

A grey,

metallic prison tray.

You can have someone just slam it in.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Bread sauce, gravy, stuffing.

Yeah.

That's it.

Oh, and also

boxing day for your sandwich.

Very important.

The same.

Bread sauce.

gravy stuffing how are you going to keep them separate though no then you're allowed to mix them okay Then you put a little weave, a little bit of cranberry sauce in there, too.

But oh, I love a Boxing Day sandwich with all the stuff that you've eaten the day before.

Well, congratulations, you've just invented the sloppiest sandwich known to man.

It's more of a savoury trifle.

Yeah.

Oh, that's horrible.

You're not getting that to your mouth before it all falls out of the bread back onto the plate again.

Yeah.

No way.

Turkey's overrated, though.

Also.

Turkey is overrated.

Well, you know,

I've had good turkey, I've had bad turkey.

This for the person who turned their nose up at dog cakes earlier.

The dog's birthday cakes on Blue Peter.

What I would like to eat is bread sauce, stuffing, and gravy.

That sounds like a dog cake.

That sounds like

a dog food.

The dog cakes on blue peter.

Does it sound weird?

Yeah, because

you've got the gravy and the meat element.

So stuffing's basically dog food for humans.

You mash all that together and then the white outside, which is the bread sauce.

I've created the dog.

I've created a new dog sauce.

That's actually what I want.

Isn't it?

That's weird.

Oh, guys.

That's a worry, isn't it?

Yeah, I think you might actually want to be a dog on Blue Peter.

The best turkey I've ever eaten was, it's a Nigella Lawson recipe, actually, I have to say.

She marinades the whole ruddy turkey.

Yeah.

Have you done that?

No.

For 48 hours, it's

a good idea.

In a bath of...

herbs and spices.

It is so ruddy blime.

You don't want that on you, Christmas?

I can't be asked.

I can't be asked.

I mean, there's no effort on your part, just so you know.

No, I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Even just saying it, I just think of all the effort that's gone into it, and I don't want to put anyone through that.

Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah, even though it takes too long, bless her.

She's got other things to do.

I'll just stick to the bread, as I said, the bread sauce, the stuffing, and the gravy.

Yeah.

On a prison tray.

On a prison tray.

Beautiful.

Boxing day altogether.

In a sandwich.

In a sandwich.

Your dream side dish.

Hugh Grant.

It's a loophole that no one's utilised before on the podcast.

You can use that.

Absolutely.

You want Hugh Grant to come in?

Granty.

To share a Scotch egg with you?

If he was curled up on a little plate,

just, you know, being his normal little self yeah just

I'd absolutely I would love that yeah I'm objectifying him a bit and I do apologize you go for it to Hugh when you say he's all curled up on a plate

you want a little hugh grant or normal sized actual hugh grant

I'm actually do you know what I'm thinking about

We were talking about Taskmaster.

In our Taskmaster, Series 4, Noel was on it, Noel Fielding.

Do you remember when he disguised himself?

Camouflage, the camouflage task.

Camouflage banana.

As he at banana.

And he ends up in the fruit bowl.

I'm seeing Hugh Grant in a little

mini one.

So a mini Hugh Grant on a plate.

You're not going to.

Are you going to eat the mini Hugh Grant?

I think that would be wrong.

Okay.

Okay.

But are you going to do it?

Might lick him.

Yeah.

Little lick.

That's a great side dish.

Yeah, Hugh Grant.

Hugh Grant.

Yeah.

Now, if I may, and tell me if this is a step too far.

Oh, no, here we go.

You got a little Hugh Grant there.

A shaman comes in.

I've got cramped guys.

Hang on.

I've actually got really.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Sorry, team.

Let me just.

That's all right.

I think it was the talk of Hugh Grant.

Well, don't touch your house keys and we'll be alright.

Yeah, don't go anywhere near those house keys.

Keep your hands where we can see them.

I've just cramped up my right leg.

Oh, no.

Sorry, gang.

That's lack of

potassium or something, isn't it?

You just had a bag of mini jedders so i doubt it while you're walking it off do you want to talk about um that's better back to last gate oh

oh my lord

alaska gate um now sorry about that i don't know what happened there it was just uh the the hugh grant chat cramped my leg up

um

back to last

i mean the drama yeah the absurd it was outrageous It was outrageous.

I'm saying all this because I'm trying to remember exactly what happened.

Sue said that she tried to talk him down.

She tried to talk him down.

Do you remember the incident herself?

I like the way she puts herself into the center of the drama there.

I'm sure that was me trying to talk him down.

He was in a bad mood.

Ian.

Yeah, Ian.

From the moment he walked in that morning.

He just was.

You could see it all over his

eyebrows were very,

you know, sort of.

You know, when people knit their eyebrows, you just know, oh, hello, give them a little bit of space.

You can just tell.

There was some.

So you said when people are in a really weird, bad mood at the bake-off tent, people know to stay clear of them, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or you go up and make some terrible pun about what they're baking.

Either or.

Those days were over by the time I got in there.

No one was punning anymore.

They

made some weird ice creams that day.

Somebody was making a goat's.

goat milk ice cream which stank

I can't remember who that was you know when you would can you can you you can recall a smell

a smell brings you back to a place more than anything almost doesn't it

oh I can't remember who it was one of the benches had this disgusting goat milk ice cream anyway Ian sort of you know

growling away and it was something like 32 degrees

you know of all the days to be making baked illusions I would feel terrible for them on those days my god awful like when they're trying to temper chocolate Tempering chocolate, anything ice cream-based.

Nightmare.

And back in the day, I don't know what it's like now, but I think the budget's probably a lot bigger, isn't it?

On Channel 4.

Back in the days of the BBC bake-off,

there wasn't in classic, there wasn't enough freezer space.

They hadn't thought it through.

So they were all, you know, desperately trying to get freezer space.

And

I can't remember what happened.

Someone took his out for a second, I think, to put that.

Someone thought that his was done.

Took his out.

Diana thought, his had sesame seeds in it.

I remember now.

It was a sesame seed and buh-ba-ba something ice cream.

Paul and Mary then said that there is no way.

It was out for 31 seconds, I think.

Yeah.

There is no way that if the ice cream had been properly made, it would have melted in that time, even in 32 degree heat.

That's why they said his, you know, wasn't any good.

That was it.

But silly man, because he made a lovely sponge.

Yeah, and it all went straight in the bin.

Straight in the bin.

He ruddy big.

Do you remember how you felt when it went in the bin?

Quite sort of, yeah, this is going to make good ten.

You loved it.

And it was one of those bins, I seem to remember, that was a, you know, a pedal bin.

Yeah.

So you saw the foot just woof.

You know, the top.

And it just,

you know, like eating a mini chair, they just fell swoop.

Yeah, Paul actually said, Ian, you could have brought up the contents of that bin to be judged, and we'd have put you through.

But he just threw the baby out with the bathwater.

So

he was a goner.

He was a goner.

Your dream drink.

You got little Hugh Grant there as your side dish.

You're giving him a lick.

What are you washing that down with?

Bacardian Coke.

Bacardian Diet Coke, I should say.

Uh-huh.

Oh, it's a fun drink.

Yeah?

Because you've got your...

Ben's having a great time.

Yeah, Ben's loving this.

You've got your

joy of the Bacardi that gives you the woohoo hoo, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

You know, it keeps you, you know, really sort of, whoa.

And then the Diet Coke keeps you going.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like the young'uns these days would have, let's say, a Jaeger meister and a red bull.

Or an an espresso martini.

Thank you.

That sort of stuff.

Yeah.

So you've got your fun and then you've got your, hmm, let's keep going with the fun.

The fun prolonger, if you will, all in one drink.

So are you partying after your dream meal?

Yeah.

You're going to hit the town?

Partying throughout it, I would say.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But would you have Bacardi and Coke with a meal?

Well, I like a cup of tea with a meal.

I'm sure you've had loads of people on the podcast who've said a cup of tea.

Not many, a couple of people.

Yeah, there's not many people.

Yeah.

I don't think drink should be boxed away into

this is just a drink.

Yeah.

And you can only drink the drink when you're having a drink.

I think drinks should be allowed to be drunk

with food.

Oh, that's the vain.

Joe, what?

I hope that gets typed out in its entirety.

Yeah.

And posted online as an inspiring quote.

I'd hang that in my toilet.

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

Yes.

All that was missing there was a comma and the word ambassador.

Ambassador, you've really spoiled us with these.

It was one of those Euro adverts, wasn't it?

So that.

Yeah, you got the quote wrong there again, by the way.

Oh, is it?

Was it.

Wasn't Ambassador you've really spoiled us with this.

What was it again?

James, what is it?

Ambassador with these Ferrero Rochester.

You're really spoiled us.

You're spoiling us.

Ambassador with these Ferrero Roches, you've really spoiled us.

I've got to see like a sketch of you in that advert and getting the line wrong every single time.

Mel.

Ambassador, that's what I call food.

Ambassador, you're so kind.

The punchline is you finally get the line right and not the pyramid over.

Yeah, yeah,

you lean on it and they go straight through it.

Bam.

Oh, I do love a Ferrero Roche.

Can we have those for pudsies?

Is that your dream pudding is the end of a pyramid?

The second pyramid of the million.

Let's stay with the pyramid.

Yeah.

Let's stay with the pyramid.

Let's do a pyramid of scotch egg.

Well, Bacardian Coke, you know, like a champagne pyramid.

Yeah.

You could do that with...

Yeah.

All the glasses have got Bacardi in them, and then you pour the Diet Coke from the top, and it all floods in.

That's good.

Yeah.

Exciting, isn't it?

Have you ever drunk off a like a frozen swan?

You know, these...

Have you?

Yeah.

I've never done that, like a vodka.

Yeah, a vodka ice sculpture at a Halloween party that my agency.

It was fun.

had on ice sculpture.

I did Mock the Week had thrown a party.

You guys and your comedy party.

No, you know, it wasn't Mock the I'm not.

So

it was after a record of Mock the Week, then we learnt that QI were throwing a party upstairs.

Lovely.

So we all snuck in and they had a swan ice sculpture.

What?

And myself that you could drink out,

people could pour booze in and it would come down, but it was a doubler.

So it'd be two swan heads and you had to both, two of you had to do it.

And it was one of the things that I've got.

When all the

Yeah, it was a real

years ago.

Oh, it's ages and ages ago.

Yeah.

It's still on the top.

Now there's only one swanhead at the QIPOS.

Yeah.

That was a sad day.

Was that in Fridays or Toxic Days?

This was, I think it was Fridays, TGI Fridays.

Yeah.

But he wasn't there.

At the party.

I remember Rod Gilbert was there.

He was on the panel.

Noel was there.

He was on the panel.

Then died of a heart attack during a thunderstorm.

And

Alan was there.

He was at the time

regaling everyone with stories of but playing a hobbit in the Lord of the Rings films.

Amazing.

But I remember at the Mott the Week drinks, there was a couple who had come to watch Mot the Week.

They'd been given tickets, free tickets and backstage stuff because there was a news story about how the guy was up late watching Mock the Week in bed.

And because of that, he realized that his house was on fire and was able to get everyone out of the house.

And if he had not been watching Mot the Week, it wouldn't have happened.

So there was a news story about.

He would have been watching something else.

Yeah, probably.

But it's a but yeah, he probably had to say it was Mot the Week.

I was staying up and late watching on my own in a room away from my wife.

But

like, he uh,

the news story was Mot the Week saved our lives.

So you can't go to the segue.

Yeah, yeah.

No, so they were there, the actual conversation.

Conveniently, his laptop burnt up in the fire as well.

But like, um

with trousers and pants.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh Oh, shit, my trousers and pants are in there.

I had them on and they just went up in flames.

I had to roll them out.

And we were like, the reason why we all crashed the QI party was because they had heard the rumours and they clearly wanted to because they were like, we heard.

It wasn't that demeaning for us because we no one really knew

any of us were.

They sound quite crafty.

They were like, we've heard there's a QI party up there.

Noah Fielding's up there.

That's her favourite comedian.

Was it Austin?

And we were like, come on then.

Let's go upstairs.

What was fire?

Was it awesome?

Did they do it themselves?

In order to meet Noel Fielding.

In order to dive it with the QI christmas party might have been actually

yeah i can't you know i'm thinking back to panel shows yeah and it's literally it's a plastic you know yeah yeah cup tumbler of quash or you know isn't it i'm not even sure i've had booze of late on a on a panel show i've never seen the light before this is unbelievable surely but surely on yours on your panel show you can surely give

a bit of flexing on it and say come on i don't think that we've got the budge gang i don't think we've got the budge You should tell them, I'll walk otherwise.

If you're not getting an ice sculpture that we pour gravy and bread sauce down, I'm walking.

I'm bloody walking.

Do you know?

But

I don't think we've ever.

Oh, yeah, they do have drinks.

I don't think I've ever been to them.

No, because I guess did it start during the height of COVID?

Absolutely.

There was no, I mean, yeah, there was absolutely no

mingling at all.

I literally barely saw anyone.

It was bizarre.

You know what?

You worked through that, you know, weird, really.

I did unforgivable during all all of that and

um and part of the distancing was uh you had to put a microphone on a long a stick to interview some of the contributors from the public who came on and you got this long microphone a long phone pole yeah and you thrust it in this woman's face and then she told you that she had a genuine phobia of foam

it was a photo it was a foam mic she had a phobia

she was absolutely terrified she was scared

just losing her mind laughing like

wiggling this big phone

so it was just going up and down in her face

well remembered as it was oh it was fantastic i'd never forget that it was funny oh my god it was so funny well is it a pyramid of ferrero roche for dessert then

and your taskmaster sandwich of course oh

the exotic sandwich yeah

you want that for dessert the exotic sandwich yeah go on yeah chuck it in there eminem up the nose

oh dear oh dear dear oh double deckers i just remember the double deckers being the absolute needle on the camel's back.

No, the straw that broke the camel's back.

Double deckers.

Even worse if it's a needle though.

Yeah.

I forget in yours.

You ate stuff, didn't you?

No, we didn't have any eating enough.

Did you have any eating?

No, no eating.

Did you, James?

Yeah.

Some of our ones were...

Actually, they didn't make us eat anything, but I did a lot of eating.

We had to make actually a Christmas cracker, and I chose the Christmas cracker contents to be a Christmas dinner.

Yeah, So I ate a lot of that while I was making it.

I remember that.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

You would like sparkling water with a dash of something, maybe elderflower.

Popped on some bread, popped ons with all the dips.

Starter, Melbourne toast with mackerel pate.

Main course, a pyramid of expensive Scotch eggs, Humdinger Scotch eggs, lamb mince, tubsy,

tubsy and hider, one from the Gloucestershire pub, and the black pudding one that Ed mentioned.

I'm going to just suspect that Benita had a lot of trouble keeping up with this, writing it down.

Yeah, yeah.

By the rhythm in which you're reading it.

Also, it was to build your own Melbourne toast with a mackerel pate.

Thank you.

Christmas.

Stuffing, bread sauce, gravy in a prison tray.

Pigs and blankets are back as well.

Boxing day sandwich the next day.

Thank you.

Side dish.

Tiny Hugh Grant, give him a lick.

Drink, a pyramid of Bacardi and Diet Cokes.

Dessert, a pyramid of Ferenga Ross.

And your Taskmaster sandwich, exotic sandwich, just to finish it off.

I'm not going to change a single thing.

But you shouldn't, and you shouldn't.

That sounds absolutely ideal.

It's perfect, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there's so many highlights there.

So many pyramids.

So many highlights.

A lot of pyramids.

Yeah.

Precarious.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Will Tiny Hugh Grant maybe go and scale one of the pyramids, do you think?

Yeah.

He'll be Howard Carter.

Like, you know, he'll go in in a sort of pith helmet and discover the tomb of Tutankhamun or something.

I don't know.

And once more, what's the catchphrase of the?

Oh,

okay

ambassador um ambassador with these ferreira roche you are truly spoiling us yeah

yeah that might be well that that wasn't truly

it wasn't truly i said really but i think it might be i think truly sounds better i think it's really i think you're right i think you got it Absolutely perfect and it's a wonderful way to end the podcast.

Well, the key thing is to remember that spoiling us comes at the end.

Because if you do spoiling us at the beginning, you end up with a real old hash.

And Bassett, you're spoiling us with these amazing chocolates that you brought in on a plate.

It doesn't sound the same thing.

No.

Mel, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant and Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mel.

Merry Christmas to both of you.

What a wonderful Christmas menu.

In a way, in a way.

In a way.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

In a way.

Yeah.

Yes.

The menu itself, not ideal, perhaps.

Kind of mad.

A lot of pyramids.

Yeah, a lot of pyramids.

The worst Christmas dinner I've ever heard.

Nah, I actually I was on board with a lot of the Christmas dinner.

It's a shame to lose the potatoes, but I would happily just have a big bowl of pigs and blankets stuffing, gravy, bread sauce.

Sure.

Pigs and blankets.

Yeah, I'm happy with that.

Yeah.

Happy with that being in the I'll probably put them number one.

Yeah.

On my own personal list.

We've done it before.

We've ranked them before.

We'll do it again.

We've ranked them all.

Yeah, it was an odd menu, but so many highlights along the way.

Tiny little hugh grant i'm sure enjoyed himself he didn't ask if hugh grant was allowed to go around and eat the food i'm sure he would i mean if there's so much stuff on the pyramid but i'd be worried he would gnaw away at the foundations of the pyramid yeah and it would topple on him yeah poor little hugh grant be taken away in a tidal wave of rochets i had too many questions about the tiny hugh grant that i didn't get to ask yeah apologies to the listeners if you're thinking we should have really drilled down into the hugh grant a little bit more um maybe we'll have to get mel back in the future for something and we can really find out more about tiny Hugh Grant.

Is it actual Hugh Grant?

Is it a tiny representation of Hugh Grant?

Yeah.

Do you release him back into the wild afterwards?

Is he allowed to just do his own thing in between courses when it's not decided?

Is he allowed to just walk around doing stuff?

If he needs to go to the toilets, you have to go out to the Quinstry.

Yeah.

So many questions.

First time we've ever had a person as a course.

Yeah, that is the first time we've had a person.

I think.

No one's chosen cannibalism.

Yeah, no, you are right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But also didn't say Satsuma in a.

No, exactly.

Didn't say Satsuma.

Very happy about that.

And we might have another Christmassy episode coming up soon.

Yeah, next week.

We definitely do.

Maybe.

If you wish upon a star, Christmas time, you be

nice, not naughty.

Be nice, not naughty, but we will be back next week with another Christmas episode.

You're lucky.

With another absolutely belting guest.

Yes.

See you next week.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

the time is 7 pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September, at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.