Ep 173: Chris Redd (Live at Just for Laughs Montreal)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello and welcome to the Off-Menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James A.

Castor.

Normally, you'll know that I start by doing one of my great intros, my food-based intros.

So many.

So many good ones.

So many good ones to choose from.

I'm not doing that in this bit now because this is a live episode from the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival recorded on the 30th of July 2022

at 3 p.m.

Canada time.

Is there like a name for Canada time?

CT.

CT.

Recorded at 3pm CT.

And I do the intro within the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So for the audience that are there.

Don't want to overkill it.

Don't want to overkill it.

I will tell you this.

It was a good show.

It was a lovely show.

Thank you to everyone who came to see it.

Absolutely fantastic.

We were awed and amazed by the amount of people that came to see it and knew about the podcast.

Excellent venue staff.

Yes.

Did a bang-up job.

We couldn't have asked for more.

We couldn't have asked for more.

It was in, I mean, essentially, I guess, a conference room of a hotel or a ballroom.

But it felt like home.

Yeah.

It felt like home away from home.

And, well, we do all this on the pod, really, but we've got a wonderful special guest.

Yes, Chris Red.

Chris Red.

One of our heroes.

One of our heroes.

A fantastic comic.

You should immediately go and check out Chris Red's stuff.

He's an amazing stand-up at SNL.

Yeah.

Just a bit.

Just a bit, mate.

But for now, this is the beginning of the live episode from Montreal, Just for Laughs, 3 p.m.

CT, 30th of July, 2022, with the wonderful Chris Red.

We hope you enjoy it.

We hope you enjoy it.

It's not

yeah, baby,

a slick start.

I'm glad we got here here a full hour before to do a tech run-through.

Just so we can have that awkward silence before the theme music came on.

And then not turn the microphones on immediately.

That's really established the authority in the room.

Good stuff.

We should have told them that in the tech run-through, though.

That we wanted the microphones on?

No, we didn't mention we wanted the microphones on.

We did the tech rehearsal, but at no point did we go, hey,

make sure this is on.

So that's on us.

Fuck, we've got a really aggressive clock there as well.

Which they've not.

That's even more of a a heckle.

They hadn't started until I mentioned it.

This can't be the show, can it?

All right, your time starts now.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Taking...

Thank you.

That's really given me some time to think about what my intro is going to be.

Taking the fries of humour,

sprinkling over the curds of chat.

Oh, he knows where he is.

And

pouring over the...

Is it gravy?

It's fucked up, whatever it is.

The gravy of friendship to create the poutine of the podcast.

It's actually one of my best ones for a while.

Well done.

That was a very good one.

James, there may be people in here who are completely baffled as to what's happening right now.

So do you want to give them a quick explanation of what the podcast is?

This is the off-menu podcast.

I am a genie waiter.

Ed is a matrix D and we own a dream restaurant.

And every week we bring in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week our guest is

Chris Reynolds.

No, not yet, Chris.

You don't need to come out yet, Chris.

Not yet, Chris.

He's fucking pumped.

Get out, Chris.

He's pumped.

I say that.

He's literally, I mean, eating the McDonald's maybe one second before we came on.

So we're going to see him on that McDonald's high for about 10 minutes and then a crushing depression, I'd imagine, immediately afterwards.

Fully respected that.

Fully respected the pre-gig McDonald's.

We've done one minute 40.

You can't live your life like this, man.

This is going to make it really difficult that we're doing this whole thing with Rainman at the end.

So there's going to

be focus.

It's a hack reference.

And that's you saying that.

And proud.

Look, if you've listened to the off-menu podcast before, you'll know that every week, even though, look, we love Chris Red, right?

One of the best comedians ever.

But if Chris Red says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be disgusting, then we will kick him out of the dream restaurant.

It'd be more awkward if we do that in a live episode, but

especially as we've got an hour and 27.

Fuck it out.

Imagine being at an airport with him.

James and

you need to hurry up.

I don't know why you wouldn't get there three hours before for international travel.

Because I've got there three hours before, Ed, with you, I'd have too much fun before getting on the plane.

Too much fun.

Save some of the fun for the flight.

Shall we get them to help us to the secret ingredient?

Secret ingredient.

This is going to be audience-sourced.

The secret ingredient.

So if you have an ingredient.

Oh, look, welcome to Canada.

Look at this shit.

Fucking amazing.

Are you holding something?

You're holding it.

Yeah, don't even fucking bother with that.

I know what that is.

Don't fall for that, Ed.

The way the spotlight glinted off the cabbage there was really something to behold.

How about this?

Go fuck yourself.

You've had your hand up for a long time.

I'm going to steal hers evaporated milk.

Wow.

Well, that's stealing her.

You literally just put your hand up higher than hers.

Fuck you, evaporated milk.

Didn't even do it like a gentleman and go, well, she has one, I can ask her.

You're her brother?

Yeah, that makes sense, yeah.

What's your name?

Isabel.

Isabel.

Nice to meet you, Isabel.

Thank you for your secret ingredient.

Evaporated milk.

Hmm, quite like, why evaporated milk?

What don't you like about it?

What is it?

What is it?

I mean, the clue's in the name.

It's one of the most.

I wonder.

I wonder what it can make.

I kind of agree with that because you kind of think if it's evaporated, it doesn't exist, right?

So, what is it, James?

Oh, I'll tell you what it...

I'll tell you what it isn't.

Yeah.

Condensed milk.

It's not condensed milk.

Yeah.

It's not condensed milk.

Do you want to explain that quickly before we bring Chris up?

Yes.

During the lockdown, I did little cook-alongs with my mother over Zoom.

I'm a good son.

And we mistakenly invited invited Ed to one once because he wanted to learn how to make a certain type of ice cream.

And it needs condensed milk.

She had told us that ahead of time.

Ed bought evaporated milk and trolled my mum for an hour over Zoom.

Didn't work.

The recipe doesn't work.

Yeah, didn't work.

Ice cream made sure that you made some rock solid ice cream.

So that's a contender.

The old contender.

You're all very nice for not laughing at James doing cook-alongs with his mum because every time I hear that, I want to fucking scream.

Remember, half this audience are mine, half are yours.

That is not true, James.

The Montreal Comedy Festival, you won an award yesterday for Rising Star.

No one fucking knows who I am.

By the way, quick update on that.

Yesterday he won an award for Rising Star.

Tonight he's doing a show at Club Soda on the big canopy outside.

It says tonight, 9.30, James Ancaster.

So...

See you there.

See all the Anne fans at the gig.

That's a good contender.

Do we have some more?

Diet Coke?

Diet Coke.

Oh, God.

Okay, security?

We've got a guy here who wants to meet the pavement.

Let's not have any prompts for any of James's long stories this early on, because

it tastes weaker here, Diet Coke.

Over here, genuinely, it's like Diet Diet Coke.

Right.

The Diet Coke in Canada, it doesn't taste as much like Diet Coke, and like it's weaker.

It's like less sweet and more watery here that's what I noticed yeah

fun seeing it live right

with Al Benito to edit this

yeah yeah yeah

beets beats

like beets short for beetroots you just you don't hate funky music

beets borsched gross you hate beets the boys borsched borsched beets did you say

but one day we want to have Rain Wilson on the podcast I'm going to save that secret ingredient for then.

Maybe we'll shout you out.

Yeah?

Pumpkin seeds.

Pumpkin seeds.

We might have had that already.

Bonito, pull the spreadsheet up.

Quite like pumpkin seeds, especially toasted.

I like toasting them in a frying pan, and then you add them to salads and stuff.

Any insight into your home life, I absolutely love.

Doing that with my mum over Zoom.

Toasted pumpkin seeds.

Do you love me, mum?

Ask because she loves me.

I think evaporated milk's still the

top content.

There's someone from way over there.

There's someone from downtown.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you looking around and thinking if it's you.

What?

What?

What?

What the fuck?

A fucking clementines!

Lady with a big bag of clementines over there.

What the fuck is he saying?

Clementines are delicious.

Clementine's is good.

What do you not like about Clementines?

They're disgusting in salads.

They shouldn't fucking be in salads, man.

You could say that about anything.

I'll go for a specific secret ingredient and say Clementines in the salad.

That for me is the front runner so far.

Alright, that's nice.

Should we get one more and see?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You pick someone so I don't want to go to anyone's feelings.

You right there in the middle.

Okay, this is a French Canadian Cretan.

Creton.

Creton.

Well,

I think Ed's actually quite a smart guy.

Creton.

You are saying crouton.

I'm completely wrong, madam.

What is Creton?

Cretan is a ground pork.

Ground pork.

Ground pork, and you spread it on toast.

Every now and then they mix it with pork fat.

Every word of this is more and more delicious.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It's ground pork for your mix of fat and spread it on toast.

it's actually disgusting

but no one's told me why it's disgusting yeah

it's raw or it's engraved is it raw someone's just said well yeah that would be a secret ingredient raw pork

and they serve it instead of like blood blood pudding instead of blood pudding

instead of blood pudding

that would annoy me.

Maybe we go with it.

Because we're here.

Yeah.

We're never going to be able to choose that as a secret ingredient again.

I don't think it will come up.

Creton.

Don't reference it.

I hope Chris hasn't heard all of this discussion.

We can't get it.

I think when I told him not yet, I think it's gone home.

Should we go with Creton?

Creton.

Creton.

Yeah, I don't mind going with that.

The consensus is yes, fair enough.

Clementine's salad guy is going to be going home feeling pretty sad about that.

I was so goddamn close.

By the way, in a minute we're going to sit down on these chairs, so this is the last time this half of the room will see me.

But thanks for coming.

Not me, though.

I've got a plan.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I haven't told you about it.

Yeah.

I love your plans that you haven't told me about.

Oh, yeah.

Like you being a fucking genie for the podcast.

That was a plan you never told me about.

My normal pun's bite in.

But trying to get on our guest, I think.

Yes, let's we pop ourselves down.

The setup we've gone with is me and James sit either side of our guest and go for a pincer attack.

That's your plan, is it?

I mean, there's no point in me trying to stop you now, but that plan is shit.

The plan.

Well, what's Chris going to do?

It's going to feel really weird if you're just perched up there.

It's up to Chris.

He can sit on that bit, that bit, and that little table.

He's got a little table there he can sit on.

You didn't offer the actual sofa as an option there.

Yeah, yeah, actual sofa, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that bit.

Stand up.

No, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, Chris.

You can sit wherever you like when you come out.

All right.

Should we get Chris on?

Yes, please.

Please welcome the off-menu menu of Chris!

What's up, y'all?

I always wanted to be a rapper, now I get to be two.

Yeah, that's the, we hadn't even thought of that option.

That's fucking brilliant, Chris.

Yeah, you know, you got to be innovative, nigga.

In surround sound.

Hello, Chris.

How was your McDonald's?

Oh, it was exactly what McDonald's always is.

It seems when you're starving, it seems delicious.

And then halfway through the meal, you were eating trash, and you remember.

It was beautiful.

Fries were nice this time, though.

You had fries and nuggets.

I had fries and nuggets, six nuggets.

That's not a full commitment.

You get ten nuggets, nigga.

Finish that.

Four nuggets, are you a child?

Six nuggets.

That's an adult with some shit to do.

Damn, I might use that for myself.

Yeah, I was going to say.

That feels ready, man.

Yeah, please don't feel like I was in the back, like, I gotta be

my opener has to be amazing.

Are you a foodie, Chris?

I'm a foodie.

I love to cook.

I learned to cook with a couple of my cousins over FaceTime during the pandemic.

Yeah.

And that is great.

And we got really good and my cousin got really good and he quit his job to become a chef.

Wow.

I don't think he was that good.

He was good, not good enough to quit your fucking job, sir.

So then he called me six months after that and was like, I made a mistake.

I'm like, I know you did.

I know you did.

You should name that after your steak, nigga, because you made a big one.

What sort of food does he cook?

he likes he cooks steak he barbecue he's a he's a big barbecue dude

and he likes a lot of French shit so he like mixes that he's like he's like Cajun I'm like no

or yeah

he likes yeah he just makes a lot of sandwiches I like to make a lot of seafood I like to make

like spicy shit like

I like to make a lot of black and black and like any kind of fish really I cook all fish I love shrimp.

They say it's high in cholesterol.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm hot.

So there it is.

Not now.

I mean, kind of, but not now.

Yeah, I love the bacon wrap of steak, though.

That's just amazing to me.

And then scallops, I've been still trying to get how to perfectly cook it.

Like, I can cook it to taste good, but you know how it comes out in the restaurant?

It's like just chart at the top, but then it's white on the side.

Like Michael Jackson wanted.

Yeah.

I'm trying to learn how to do that.

Yeah,

make a Michael Jackson steak, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, scallops, not Michael Jackson's steak.

Oh, I thought he said steak, scallops, yeah.

The sound up here is weird, it's yeah, it's crazy.

Is it gonna rain?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take a rain, take a big time.

I like scallops, actually.

I like scallops.

Scallops are good.

How are you doing them that you're not getting them charred on the outside and white around the outside?

What I've learned is you have to heat the pot up like really, really, really, really hot.

That's my tip for cooking generally.

Yeah.

But like hotter than usual.

You know what I'm saying?

Like you got to.

You can just smoke in there.

Yeah.

You got to cast iron.

You got to use a cast iron skillet and then you got to get it super hot.

So then when you...

Because they cook fast.

So then you put it on and you char it real quick.

didn't i just learned that so i haven't tried it yet but i will when i get home make sure you update us put i will uh give me everybody's uh emails

i'll say

you know put us in a group chat that won't be chaotic at all my

took me ages to learn that um when cooking everything you don't have to put it up to maximum every time really yeah yeah i used to do that all every time what i was cooking because i was like i wanted to cook real quick and be middle i don't want to wait around so i'd always just whack it up to full and do it on that.

And then

once someone told me, like, you should have that on my number three, not number 10 every time.

Yeah.

Yeah, how did your ramen noodles come out?

Yeah.

Malay, yeah, everything tasted disgusting, but I've worried, because

I'm a novice, you know?

And you set the fire alarm off in your flat a lot, didn't you?

Yeah, I used to back in the day with that flat.

You set the fire alarm off all the time, and then it would set all the fire alarms off in the whole building, and then the fire brigade got automatically called.

Hey, well, I like it.

Luckily, there was an old lady who had to go.

I like the track you had progress, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

He started with one.

He was like, yo, I got to expand my business.

Got to evacuate everybody.

Backfired on the first, actually, first night that happened, and the whole building was outside.

And

everyone was really old in my building, apart from one teenager.

And he was just there in his PJs on the lawn.

And he just went

and noticed me.

I was like, oh, shit.

We live in the same building, and now he knows I'm here.

Who does this teenager live with?

He was living with his mum to his credit.

Yeah.

And then and a bat shit dog, really crazy dog, barked at one.

Ma mad that dog was, comically mad.

The the lady in the in the building who had who started up the uh it wasn't a WhatsApp group, she was too old, but it would be like a email chain.

She'd add you to it, and then you'd get uh emails every now and again that were always started by her about her concerns about the building.

Well, wasn't I mean my favourite email chain that you used to have in your old flat with all the residents, the subject matter was the smell.

Yes, the smell?

The smell.

That chain went on for a long time.

The smell.

And everyone was going to talk about where the smell might come from.

There's a smell, and we're all trying to figure out what the smell is.

Yeah, the last email was someone going, is anyone putting the temperatures on their oven too high?

Because it smells pretty bad.

What was the smell like?

I didn't go over there enough to smell the smell.

Maybe it was just James.

Maybe I'm using it.

The smell was unpleasant.

Here's the stupid thing about the whole thing.

It took about a month to get to the bottom of what the smell was.

A lot of people chipping in with their theories about the smell.

And a lot of people saying, like, it just smells like a disgusting, like, like, like a, like, like, just trash, like, like a, like a big skip, like a bin full of trash.

And then it just turned out that it was the bins.

Damn, dog.

It took a month to get.

Just gotta clean those bins.

Yeah, all of us just didn't.

Just all of you realizing what rubbish smells like together.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Hey, man, I think this is trash.

Ain't that a bitch?

I thought it was you, Ted.

Anyway.

Something smells like shit.

Have you just done a shit before we start another email chain?

Yes.

I don't like building email chains.

I don't like that shit.

They send it in New York all the time.

In my building, they'll send like a...

mass email, but you don't know because you're the only one in the email.

And they'll be like, hey, we've heard that you are smoking cigarettes in the lobby.

And I'm like, Hell no, I'm not.

Well, I smoke weed, nigga.

I'm specific with my smoke.

You know what I mean?

Don't be telling me I smoke somewhere.

So I always respond back.

And I'm like, Hey, I ain't do that shit.

Leave me here.

And they're like, It's not for you.

I'm like, Well, we're wasting our time.

I got evicted.

Not for any

Chris Van, still sparkling water.

Still,

I'm I'm a still man.

Okay.

Oh, there's a lot of claps, but also a few people shaking their hands looking angry.

Yeah, I don't know.

What are you liquid bubble motherfuckers about, man?

Huh?

Everything don't gotta be fun.

Sometimes you just gotta get the job done.

You just, water can be functional, right?

Yeah, man.

Who is the scientist?

Who's a water motherfucker in there like, let's put bubbles in this shit?

You find it so it's too fun, sparkling water.

Is that the main problem?

It's got too much shit going.

I don't like the fact that it has the consistency of Sprite without the fun of it.

Yeah.

You know, that's what I don't like about Seltzer either.

Seltzer's trying to beast too many things.

He loves Seltzer, this guy.

No, I like hard seltzer.

Hard seltzers are fun.

I've got into hard seltzer.

Hard seltzer are fun because I like how I feel.

Yeah.

That's a fun feeling, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's a party, though.

That's a real party.

La Croix?

Fuck you.

Don't like it.

Got too many flavors, and they all suck.

And the flavor's too slight as well.

It's only just a little bit.

That's what it is, like a whisper of fruit in the background.

And you're like, have some conviction.

Taste like that.

It's like you didn't put the fruit in there.

You put the fruit by it.

That's not.

It's not the same thing.

You introduce the fruit to it.

You're like, Mr.

Raspberry, this is sparkling water.

And goodbye, Mr.

Raspberry.

More bubbles, please.

I'd like to hear more about this, Mr.

Raspberry.

Mr.

Raspberry.

Yeah.

He's a good guy, Mr.

Raspberry.

Yeah, tell us more about Mr.

Raspberry.

What kind of a person, what aspirations do they have?

Do they have any family?

It's lovely of you to switch to they, just in case Mr.

Raspberry's pronounced.

You never know where Mr.

Raspberry's going away.

He goes with Mr., so I think we can assume he him.

But he's good,

broadly very nice, but also he fucking hates Mrs.

Strawberry.

He hates Mr.

Strawberry.

Because Mrs.

Strawberry's had the limelight for too long.

I mean, you said lime now, that's confusing.

Yo, Mrs.

Strawberry's a bad bitch.

I will say that.

She holds it down.

She stays grounded.

But half the year, Mrs.

Strawberry does not taste nice.

Nah, man, she's in a bad mood.

You ever had Miss Strawberry when she ain't right?

Yeah.

Ugh.

I asked you that like I was going to say more.

And I just thought about it in my head.

I was like, ugh.

And that was it.

But yeah, that's it.

Yeah, she's not good.

But Mr.

Raspberry, he knows his time's coming, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are we Raspberry fans in the house?

I mean, what do you even use a raspberry for?

Cheesecake.

Jam cheesecake.

Someone said cheesecake.

It's so funny.

I knew I was joking and I was laughing and she looked like...

It's serious stuff.

I don't like the little hairs on raspberries, though.

I don't like that.

That's creepy.

I shave

it.

I'm unnaturale.

This whole thing.

Yeah.

I've making them ask me feel like they have to shave as not cool, man.

But I also don't like raspberry going through puberty in front of my face.

In front of your face?

Yeah.

Right.

It is as though it's proper, like, it's like teenage stubble on a raspberry, isn't it?

You want it to grow like like a proper beard.

Oh, this is getting disgusting.

This is disgusting?

Yeah, you sound like a pedophile.

Man.

I don't even know you're a little bit more.

Well,

looks a specific way.

Sounds bad.

I've honestly ignored raspberries, like, pretty much my whole life.

Yeah.

It's all.

Now we've personified the raspberry.

There's real emotion here.

She's going to go to the grocery store like, I love you.

Ma'am, are you gonna buy those?

No.

Would you not buy a punnet of raspberries?

He wouldn't go and buy a punnett.

What?

Yeah.

As soon as you said that, I was like, I can't really even imagine Chris Redd saying one punnet of raspberries.

Yo, let me get one punnet, man.

I said punnette.

Get your manager, dog.

So I'm in here trying to get one punnet, right?

And this nigga talking shit.

And the raspberry is getting old.

She's cuddling them.

Give me a punnet.

I'm going to use it today.

Yeah.

Just a box of raspberries, basically.

Yeah, just a big box of rice.

Yeah, I think it's a context glue.

Yeah.

But I was going to.

No, I was stupid for a very long time.

And I had smart friends.

They would say shit.

I was like, mm-hmm.

And in my head, you have to deduce.

I think that's the right word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Deduce is so close to do-doo.

And so you don't know.

Anyway.

So

you wouldn't go and buy a punnet of raspberries no but I buy a punnet of grapes though yeah yeah

that's a good punnett food yeah I like a little punnet of grapes a little punnet of strawberries how quickly would you go through a punnet of grapes oh shit

yeah

20 minutes wow I eat grape I mean I eat like fruit all the time though I like it well how quick would you go for a punnet of strawberries Let's say you go to a food fair and there's a load of different like huh?

Do you mean the supermarket?

No, no.

No, no, no.

So, so you mean like a supermarket outside?

No, no, you got like a county fair where there's like there's loads of different stuff happening.

There's like a guy on the dunk tank.

Do you think, do you think dresses from Oklahoma?

A dunk tank?

Yeah, like on a stall, and they throw the ball and it hits the thing, and then they go.

Oh, like a carnival, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're like a

more twee, quite whimsical version, like a food fair.

And

there's some food eating contests, and they're all punnet-based.

And

are you going to enter?

Do you fancy your chances more in the grape, a punnet of grapes eating contest or a punnet of strawberries eating contest?

Which are you going to enter?

I don't know why you doubt my questions before I get to the end of them.

No, I just say

it's a very fun question.

We ask this to everyone, Chris.

I would do a punnet of strawberries.

You think you could eat them quicker?

Yeah, probably.

Would you, if you were racing through the strawberries, would you eat the green bit to save time?

If I had to, but I'd be fighting not to, though.

Yeah.

Because you could just grab them quick.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

How big are these strawberries, though?

Are they like the monster strawberries?

Well, it depends what time of year it is.

It depends what mood Mrs.

Strawberry's in, right?

That's true.

So later in the year, when they're out of season, I think they're probably a bit bigger and a bit more watery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you want the sort of small, intense, sweet ones to just...

But those are great.

Yeah.

I like those a lot.

The big ones look like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Toto experiment that went wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like started growing the arm.

I was like, never mind.

You know what I mean?

Tell me because it's a mouth.

Pop it up so bread.

Pop it up so bread, Chris Red.

Pop it up so bread.

Huh?

Popping up sore bread.

Popping up sore bread, Chris Red.

Pop it up sore bread.

Bread?

This is the confusion we always expect with anyone outside the UK, Chris.

Don't worry.

Yeah, because like the first word, I didn't know what that was.

I heard bridge, so I was like, Yeah,

and that's what it's like to be America when you don't speak French in Montreal.

What, um, what did you hear the first word, Ad, as and would you like to take a guess as the word?

Poppolo or bridge,

but it's closer than most, yeah.

What was it?

Papa Doms.

Papa Doms?

Yes.

What is that?

Ed?

Don't tell me you don't actually know.

You've never known.

Look, now's the time to say it.

I've never been sure.

Well, I'm very glad I made the right choice.

Just say what I'm glad you're having in Tells me.

Indian meal, they'll bring out like poppa dums at the beginning, it's like a big crispy sort of thing, and you dip things in the bottom.

Oh, yes, yes.

Okay, I've had that.

Yeah.

So that's bad.

That's going to stand by my hands.

You could have like, you know, whatever would be brought out at this stage of the meal.

You know, sometimes you sit there and they bring out like, you know bread or it might be like uh like tortilla chips or prawn crackers pop a dums you know so it's like any of that like pre-meal carbohydrate crazy yeah yeah yeah yeah okay okay uh-huh

steel bread

any particular type of bread I like a garlic bread.

Oh, yeah.

I love a garlic bread.

I like bruschetta so much.

You know, yeah, man.

You went somewhere?

You got that song?

You went somewhere there.

I saw...

Oh, man.

Yeah, I almost left.

You were in heaven?

Yeah, those are my favorite breads right there.

What sort of format of garlic bread are we talking?

A baguette or...

I don't like it all.

Baguette.

I mean, if it's baguette, it's got to get cut up.

You know what I'm saying?

I like little pieces, like standard little pieces, real buttered up, garlic on it.

It should look like, ooh, that shit look moist.

You know what I'm saying?

It's the only time I say moist, looking at garlic bread.

I think.

I say it at the country fair when the guy goes in the dunk tank.

Yeah.

I say moist because I'm a bad man.

A moist man.

I don't know.

If you're in a dunk tank, you're more than moist.

Yeah.

But often when I'm throwing the ball for it, I'm trying to get in their heads because

when it's scared, I'm like, I hope you like being moist, you fucking...

So that's what you're doing.

You're about to get moist.

That's what you say.

How you like being moist right before you go?

Yeah, I hope you like being moist.

I would be like, no one loves you.

And I would try to...

Oh, yeah, I guess it is.

Yeah, get his head a little bit.

He has to sit there with that.

Even when you walk away, he's like,

Somebody.

Yeah, I gotta love me.

I like the sweatier the better with garlic bread.

The sweatier?

Sweatier, the better.

Don't ever do that hand movement again.

What is

this?

Sweatier for what?

What are you grabbing?

I'm grabbing the baguette that's all like pre-sliced, and I'm squeezing it, and I'm seeing how sweaty the garlic bread is.

How buttery, garlicky, yeah.

I think it's sweaty is so nasty.

Yeah.

I think you mean moist.

I think you're talking about the same thing.

But you've gone with sweaty and you've gone with moist.

I'm basically on the stage with two perverts right now.

I had garlic bread in my mind when we was talking and then you did that.

Now I'm thinking of armpits.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Back to the raspberries going through puberty again.

Man, fucking raspberry, man.

So if you had to choose between the garlic bread and the bruschetta, what are you going for?

Ah, bruschetta.

Yeah, yeah.

The tomatoes take it to another level.

Yeah, absolutely.

You know what I mean?

Is there a place you've had the best bruschetta that you would go?

I want that particular one.

This place in New York, what's New Jersey?

They have a war going on.

And it's a restaurant called Halifax, and it's really good.

And they have a really great bruschetta there.

Halifax?

Yeah.

What kind of place is this?

It's Nova Scotia, I think.

Oh, look at some of the motherfucking Nova Scotian.

In England, Halifax is a bank.

Yes.

It's a bank?

Yes.

So you're saying you get your best bruschetta from Halifax as well.

Hell yeah.

A lot of people in the UK.

I'm going to go make a deposit right there, buddy.

That'd be so fun to walk into that bank and confuse everybody.

I'm here for the brochetta, please.

Is this some kind of account?

No.

But I guess you've got the best of both worlds there, because the bread's a bit garlicky, isn't it?

And a bruschetta.

Well, because the sauce is from

And often what they'll do is just

cut a clove of garlic in half and just rub it across the top of the bread just to give the suggestion of garlic.

See, now I'm feeling like a perf when I'm doing it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but when you do it, it is actually quite arousing, huh?

I thought I was very artistic.

I was like, this man knows what he's talking about.

And you can walk in any kitchen and be like, see what y'all need to do with you.

You do the alphabet, this is so much more.

There we go, very specific.

Sex reference from.

Some people

go, oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Brushette is a great choice.

I'm not sure.

Don't look at me like that.

I'll try to see you try and move on from this.

That me and Chris has let you.

Go on then, alphabet boy.

Ah, man.

Actually, we shouldn't I shouldn't really say say this because we're not allowed to really talk about it because it's not going to be on TV yet.

But I'll tell you,

Ed's, this is very exciting.

Ed's

going to be on Sesame Street.

But it's a bit disgusting.

But he teaches that one.

Yeah, it's awful.

It's awful what I did to those puppets.

The count can't fucking count anymore.

No way.

wait.

He's a letterman now.

I got to W, he turned back into a bat.

Back into?

I was assuming he flips between the two, actually, right?

He didn't start as a bat.

You never find out the Count's backstory on Sesame Street, do you?

No.

He just showed up, started count.

They were like, all these numbers, who's going to...

One?

in my yes in my mind all the numbers were laying around yeah in disarray

and the count like y'all put these motherfuckers

that'd be a good episode just sesame street if they did a count origin story yeah oh that'd be tight i want to see it like a john wicktone too yeah

That's why he's so obsessed with numbers because I'm going to kill his dog or something.

It's like, how many of you are responsible?

One.

Two.

Let's get on to your meal proper, I reckon.

Your dream starter.

My dream starter is

oysters.

12 oysters.

Yeah, I love,

I just got into it.

I've hated oysters like most of my life until like the last year.

My friend put me on oysters.

And it's not one of my favorite things.

And yeah, I love it.

Amazing.

We had some oysters yesterday.

Yes.

Joe Beef.

Joe Beef?

You had oysters at Joe Beef?

At Joe Beef.

There was actually way less beef on the menu than I was expecting.

Yeah.

That feels confusing.

Yeah, it was pretty confusing.

Like, just from a marketing standpoint.

My name's Joe Beef.

I got oysters, nigga.

What?

Like, my name's Joe Gunn.

I have sandwiches, huh?

They were good oysters out at Joe Beef.

They were very good.

And we didn't have 12.

The 12 is...

You have more oysters than you do nuggets.

Yeah.

That's big boy shit.

12.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, oysters, I'm like, get over here.

Nuggets.

Did you add to the oysters?

I'm good.

Yeah, I did.

They don't move, though.

Which is crazy.

No, but oysters are like barely food to me.

You know what I mean?

It's like a little bit of...

It's gone, nigga.

You know?

It's almost like the booger of the sea, you know?

That's gross.

Yeah.

You're supposed to like these.

You've picked these as your dream stars.

You've said said they're barely food and they're the boogers of the sea.

I mean, listen, I got a lot of weird things in my head.

It's not like I yell at the boogers of the sea.

Will I today?

Absolutely.

You're not wearing very much red.

No.

I used to be very conscious about that when I was growing up.

Now you know how Joe Beef feels.

But I think Joe Beef has beef, though.

I think Joe Beef has beef with the entire industry.

Yeah.

Oh, what?

you think he has?

It's more of like an argument beef.

Yeah, he's like, I don't got to do shit the way you do shit.

Joe Beef's attitude.

Yeah, he's like, this is a steakhouse.

You go in vegan.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

He got you.

What do you put on the oysters?

What are you?

What you got?

Oh, just the standard,

what is it?

The little cocktail sauce, horseradish, and shit, and all that.

Yeah.

And then some lemon.

And this.

I love the shallots.

Shallots and lemon, a bit of hot sauce.

Yeah, a little cocktail sauce, the lemon, and I'm in there.

Are you swallowing it or one bite and then down?

What bite?

We know that eventually you'll swallow it.

What you bite, by the way.

The booger.

You eat the shell?

No.

I know you've only recently got into oysters, Chris.

You've been doing this all wrong, man.

You need to crunch that shell down.

Damn, I saw a dude eating the shell.

I thought he was a cracker.

That was how you did it.

I'll write the alphabet on it with my tongue.

The oyster.

You gotta practice before you go home.

You gotta eat the shell.

You know that metal thing they put them on to the.

Why do they do that?

I don't know.

Why do they need to be.?

I mean, you're basically the oysters of the stage at the moment.

You're slightly higher off the...

That was the award, I got oyster of the stage.

And when you came in to get the award, you slid off.

Yeah.

That's real tight.

They're always on a little, they're on a little stage themselves, aren't they, when they bring them?

Yeah,

no, I chew them.

I chew them now, to be honest with you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't slurp and just gulp.

That feels aggressive.

Yeah.

I didn't come here to do that.

It's not a porn.

I'm eating like a gentleman.

How often when you go out for dinner do you have to check your surroundings and assess that this is not a porn?

All the time.

Turns out a lot of porns use real-life situations

as the jumping off point.

To be fair, Joe Beef sounds like an ex-male porn store.

It sounds like a porn store.

If you told me he walked out and had no shirt on and was just like, welcome, I'll be like, yeah, it sounds about right.

Joe Beef.

Best waitress you've ever had in your life?

That sounds disgusting.

Yeah, but like that's not

what I meant.

Wait, did you you hate you didn't like this waitress?

No, Ed thought like she was great.

Never never before has a waitress been better at their job.

Yeah.

In Ed's opinion.

But also you were half an hour late for the meal so she had a lot of hard work to do.

The menu's in French so she had to translate the whole thing for me and then wait for this dickhead to arrive and do the same thing again.

What were you doing?

I got an award.

Very proud of you man.

Very proud.

I did come and see James get his award by the way.

I just had to leave early to get to the table at Joe Beef.

Came to see it.

We all saw him leave while Amy Schumer was making a speech.

I left over.

I waited for Amy Schumer's speech.

Yeah, you did.

No.

I did leave leave after Amy Schumer's speech.

The reality of it, I only changed it because the reality of it is you left during the In Memoriam.

No, it wasn't.

I didn't even know about the In Memoriams.

I left before the In Memoriam section.

Yes, you didn't know.

Yeah.

Otherwise, if that had been happening, I would have been very polite and said something.

So sorry, I've got to go to Joe Beef.

I think that's worse.

No, she was a very, very good server, and she was excellent and really patient with it with us, I think.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

I hope she gets everything.

Do you know who like the best waiter or waitress you've ever had is?

Like if you if you think about it, is there somebody who's like the number one best, like that person was so good at their job, biggest tip you've ever given someone because they were just that good?

Um I mean I I I I try to tip all waiters and waitresses pretty nice'cause I served in so many pl places.

Yes, yes, yes.

but who's not the one i know i i

i haven't answered your question yet and i know that uh i'm trying to think man um i think it was we were in austin texas and we were uh we were out to eat and this dude was just like there's just one solo clap

it's him uh

i come to every chris red show He said it was a dimension.

Sat there in a 10-gallon hat at the back.

But his name was Will, and he was like, he had three kids, and he was just like the happiest dude, very cool, funny, but like, really funny, and not trying to be funny.

And knew when to like

not interrupt.

I hate when people, like, you're having like a serious conversation.

We're like, I don't know, your girlfriend, tears, and shit, or something.

And then they're like, hey, what's going on?

Like, nigga, be a human and go away.

You know, he just, yeah, he just like enjoyed his job, had great stories.

It was fun.

And the food was there on time, which was tight.

Yeah, but even if it wasn't, he was like that good.

We're like, we always be like, I'll kick it with this motherfucker.

So, in your dream meal, would you like?

I mean, traditionally, I'm always the waiter for the dream meal.

I'm a genie.

I can't get used to it.

We've forgot to mention.

James is a genie in this.

Oh, you're a genie?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's that.

Okay.

Has it all fallen into place now?

I've been sitting here like, what is it?

Well, I have a few wishes.

Three, right?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay.

I mean, I'm traditionally, you know, a food genie.

I can just get you food from it wherever you like.

But if you want to tell me three wishes that aren't food related, I can get them over to the other.

No, no, I want you to do what you're good at.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah.

That means a lot.

Plenty of space.

But do you want for your dream meal, Will, as your waiter, the go-free kids, nice guy?

If it's a dream meal, do you want the best waiter you've ever had, Will?

No.

I want Will to have a day off with his family.

Oh, that's nice.

Hey.

Don't get that many.

That warms the heart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I do want a waiter, motherfucker, but like, not Will.

Not Will.

Yeah.

Because if it's my dream meal, I don't really give a fuck about the waiter.

Yeah.

I'm about to eat.

You know what I mean?

But you do specifically want Will to have a nice day off with his family while you're having the meal.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So as you're having the oysters, what are you imagining Will's doing?

Well, he was a stout white man, so I think he was running through a field with his

golden retriever, his three kids, Benjamin, Ben, Stacey.

And his lovely wife's on a blanket, checkered.

You know what I mean?

A checkered blanket.

A good blanket.

Yeah, she has wine and sippy cup.

Stacy's three.

I haven't thought about this at all.

The kids are called lovely.

Benjamin, Ben.

But that's short for Benito, I believe.

It is short for Benito.

But it's Benjamin, Ben, and Stacy.

The three white names you can think of, Benjamin, Ben, and Stacy.

And the two Ben's that I'm thinking of are black.

So that's crazy.

And they're frolicking, man.

They're frolicking.

It seems like he has a frolicking family, dog.

You ever seen a family where, like, they frolic?

No.

Them motherfuckers frolic.

If they had some grass and space, they frolic their ass off.

Yeah, the Von Traps, they were very frolic.

They sound like they frolic.

Yeah, yeah.

They frolic.

Not the Adams family.

No, they're not frolick.

They look at people frolic like y'all gonna be dead soon.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you frolic, Chris?

Nigga, what?

You heard.

You heard what I said.

I wouldn't

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

So if we put you in a field, and we don't.

Which you shouldn't, because there's a history of that.

James, you're going to have to take over for the rest of the episode.

You're welcome, Martin Luther King.

If you didn't say it, I would have, Chris.

But

if I saw a field, I just don't know what would,

I need to be inspired.

And I don't know what could happen in my life that would make me frolic.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, maybe, would you frolic through a shopping mall?

No.

But I guess you need other people there to frolic, right?

You can't solo frolic.

You can't solo frolic, you know?

It's not like a fucking tree that falls in the woods or whatever the fuck that's saying is.

You gotta frolic with a squad, I think.

I don't know much about frolicking, though.

Do you have a dream frolic squad?

Ah, give us your frolic squad.

Alright.

So if I was frolicking, right,

I show up to the field in a Benz with Ben and Benjamin.

They're grown now.

So they be there, Tupac's there, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, yo, what are we doing?

I'm like, frolicking.

He's like, all right.

He's very down.

Yeah.

Dr.

Dre's there somewhere.

Somewhere.

Yeah, but we pick him up along the way.

Yeah.

We get to frolicking, because I want it to be an adventure.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

So it's like, we all start me, Tupac, Penn, Benjamin,

a couple of chicks from Jay-Z's Big Pimping video.

And Madonna.

Is Dre frolicking or are you just like, are you going to just frolick

about Dre?

Dre's doing, you have you ever had a friend that's like hanging out with you while y'all doing an activity, but they ain't all the way into it?

Yeah, that's what Dre doing.

Yeah, I got it.

So like we're frolicking and he's just like, y'all niggas stupid.

You know, walking behind, but he's still into it.

Picking flowers, smelling butterflies.

But just to be clear,

you would frolic

just about

Dre.

No, no, no, no, no.

We would frolic.

We're frolicking down a we're frolicking down a fucking field.

field.

We're going on a mission.

You know what I mean?

So Dre's coming with us.

Yeah.

But like,

I feel like nowadays.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, everybody want to talk.

Like.

I got something to say.

Nothing comes.

Would you frolic about Dre?

Would I frolic about him?

Yeah, just about in the vicinity.

In the vicinity of Dre.

Oh, like to collect him?

Just about.

I mean, I guess for a second, we frolic about.

I guess you gotta,

if you're frolicking,

if you see somebody in your frolicking path, you gotta like frolic around like, can join us, you know?

Yeah, but that's if you do it for too long, it feels aggressive, right?

If you frolic around someone, it feels a bit much.

Dre's big.

I feel like if we did it for too long, he'd just knock us all out.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it would just be for a second.

I don't want to frolic about Dr.

Dre too much.

I think that's a good frolic squad.

Yeah?

Yeah, that's a very strong frolic squad.

You know, I think so, too.

And Joe Biden, because I would like to see people...

You know, I would like to see people see him frolic.

I think that would fucking shock the world, dog.

They'd be like, you know what?

We don't even need to fix these other problems.

But how quickly would he fall over if you guys were...

He'd go down.

You've got to be careful with that.

I think it's an either-or situation, baby.

I think he's either falling or he's frowing.

He's just killing that shit.

We're like, oh, what?

That's my president.

Nah, I hope he's asleep.

All that chat about Dre.

I'm glad that Beats wasn't the secret ingredient.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know what?

You guys don't know talent when you hear it.

That was great.

Beats by Dre.

Yeah, I'll never be the rising stars.

Beats was up for grabs.

Someone suggested beats as a situation.

I would have never said beats, though.

Ever.

Never.

Never.

You hate beats?

I do.

But they're nasty.

I don't like them.

You don't like them?

No, I'm like.

Isn't there a show here at the festival called The Nasty Show or something?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What if you went there and the next act was a beat?

This next act is so nasty.

Yeah.

I'm gonna turn your piss red.

Oh, that's what it does?

No, it doesn't turn your piss red.

Beats turn your piss red?

No, I think you're ill.

It turns your piss red.

Oh,

they turn your shit red.

What about to find out that I'm dying?

Oh, man.

I think I gotta get into beats and start leaving my mark around the city.

Red's been hit.

We get it.

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Your dream main course.

The big one.

Main course.

Dream main course would be

a perfectly done branzino over angel hair with like an olive cream sauce and some saute spinach.

Oh, yeah, you didn't ask me to put the sides.

Tell you.

With like breadcrumbs and shit.

Yeah.

That was a very good food description there, Chris Red.

Thank you.

That sounded delicious.

Yeah, it is.

When you imagined it?

When you imagined that dish.

Branzino, is that a fish?

Yes.

I'm very glad you knew that because when Chris said Branzino, I was like, James is in the fucking deep end here.

I was like, I know it's a fish, but I'm not

letting him off the hook at all.

Yeah.

I went for a lot of different things in my head for a while, and none of them were food.

I got you back.

You know what I mean?

I kind of like, immediately what I thought of was: have you heard of the actor Marlon Brando?

That's what I had in my head, was Brando's face on some angel hair.

Oh, yeah, that's a different meal, yeah.

Yeah,

it's a bit different.

Yeah.

If you had to eat an Oscar-winning actor,

that's another good question.

Which one would you choose?

They have to be Academy Award-winning.

Okay, Will Smith.

Because I liked Mega Man as a kid.

And I absorb his powers, dude.

And I make great movies and I smack my enemy when he least expects.

Which part of Will Smith do you think would be the tastiest?

Oh, I didn't think about any of that.

I'm kind of asking you, John.

Are you saying

are you saying literally what part of Will Smith or like a representation of a part of Will Smith?

Like an edible version on a plate?

Or you mean an actual part of Will Smith?

Because I didn't, when you were.

No, I'm confused by a question.

Look, I mean that if

Chris was to eat a part of Will Smith.

Genuinely a part,

it's not like transubstantiation where it's like.

Any Catholics in?

You know.

You're not.

Is it actually a part of his body or like a representation that you believe is part of his body?

Yeah, it's like green jackets.

Huh?

Like green jackets.

That was called yellow jackets.

Green jackets?

Green jackets?

Yo, that'd be sick.

Yellow jackets, it's like that.

You are on a plane with a bunch of Academy Award-winning actors.

Yeah, uh-huh.

It crashes,

and you've got to eat one of them.

And it is part of their body.

And what part of Will Smith's body

do you

start on first?

They've cooked Will Smith.

When you say they've cooked Will Smith who's cooked Will Smith.

The other yellow jackets.

They're there as well.

Oh, I thought it was Mr.

Raspberry.

But

they're all Academy Award winners as well.

Yeah, yeah.

So is Will Smith the only one who's died on the crash and everyone else?

Yeah.

Yeah.

R.I.P.

Who's flying the plane?

Travolta, presumably?

No, Tom Hanks and Sully.

Oh, Tom Hanks as Sully?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like he does.

Yeah.

I think I will start with the shoulder.

Yeah.

Yeah, because it's the least sexual place.

Because it's not about that, dog.

You know, it's about survival.

And he's and he's swole, so there's meat there.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

But it's bone, too, so I ain't got to.

I'm not committing to too much.

I've never thought about eating a person.

But this don't sound like it.

It's a good answer.

It's a good answer.

I think start off with the shoulder.

You're right.

It's the least sexual place.

Yeah.

You see, I never thought about it.

If you eat at the neck, that shit gets sensual.

Yeah.

We all know the but that's what?

Nah, we good.

Who else?

You wouldn't start with the butt on any animal.

No, man.

I feel like in cannibals' world, if you start with the butt, you're doing too much.

Do you think the other cannibals think that that cannibal's weird?

The

only love they eat in the butt.

It's a human race.

We all find weirdos in our communities no matter who we are.

There has to be a lame cannibal who'd be like, you always be eating fingers with your stupid ass.

You did a song about food?

No?

About being hungry.

I did a song about being hungry.

You did a song about being hungry.

I did?

Yeah.

What song?

It was your song on Popstar Never Stop, Never Stopping.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The hungry is gonna eat.

And you talked about eating?

Yeah, yeah, yes, I did.

So this angel hair pastor.

But that wasn't about you told me that wasn't about food though, James?

No.

Nah, I think it's about, it maybe is about eating people.

No, no, no.

It was just about eating the game.

Oh, is this your first time hearing a rap lyric?

That doesn't make any sense to me.

He's like, I'm going to eat.

Like, he's going to eat.

You know, he's going to come and get what he came for.

That's what he's saying.

Oh, I get it now.

Yeah.

If you eat the game, then the game doesn't exist anymore.

Oh, yes, it does.

But inside you.

Because you're going to cook cook it up.

Ask a rapper what they're doing when they're working.

I'm cooking.

Right.

When they're actually doing something and they're taking over the industry, they're eating the game.

It's all food related.

So, Stove God Cooks.

Is he saying that he's cooking up something?

Like, he's not really talking about food.

No, he's just cooking up a plan.

He's cooking up, yeah, he's cooking up the work.

The work which is his product.

You know what I mean?

And then when a rapper gets shot, he's well done.

You know what I mean?

Oh, is that too dark?

Was that the line?

Not heating Will Smith's fucking shoulders.

That was fun.

Got the angel hair pasta there.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

And some tomatoes, like little slices of tomatoes on them.

I love that shit.

That shit feels great with Branzino.

It's just that hand gesture is too close to your sweaty bread.

I'd never squeeze a branzino.

No, but it looks like you are like swirling it around.

But angel hair.

Still swirling.

Which is just delicious to me actually.

There's that scene in Pineapple Express

where

Craig Robinson goes into a room and there's loads of food on the table and he just to check how long the fam if the family were there recently he just puts both of his hands in the pasta and the food and he's like still warm.

Yeah.

I love that scene.

It looks pretty gross but also like

I would have wanted to do that.

I would want to do that.

Every time I see that I'm like, oh I'd like to put my food.

You seem like you do that at every buffet.

Just like to check if this is a good place or not.

Yeah.

Like, sir, how many?

One second.

A lot of people think at buffet that's like a sneeze guard.

It's not.

It's because James has been there and just rammed both his hands in.

That film's fucking great.

Pop star.

Oh, thank you, man.

Soundtrack's great.

2016.

Yeah,

that was a fun soundtrack to do, man.

When you recorded that song, how long did that take?

20 minutes?

I didn't write a lot of it.

So

it was just me just getting in there and rapping.

I can do that easy.

Could you?

If we wrote, you don't have to do it.

I'm not going to get you to rap now.

I'm not doing that.

But if we wrote a song about Off Menu, could you record it for us?

It depends.

What if we just

made it all about eating Will Smith?

I'm so.

no,

I'll write.

What kind of rap song would y'all want for off the menu?

Ed?

Well,

I would love you to do it rap for us, but I will make the small point that it's just off menu, not off the menu.

No, no, no.

The song is going to be cold.

You asked me to get creative.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You bring my shit to the table.

You just want to get the fuck out of here.

Edge, what you've got to understand is rap lyrics are not literal.

Yeah, dog.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't even see a menu up here while you're trying to be all like that.

I'm sorry, Chris.

I'm sorry.

I'm just learning.

Now I'm gonna sit like that.

Sorry, guys.

A couple of little raised oysters up here.

Yeah.

I feel like somebody should be bringing me a bottle, man.

A bottle?

Yeah.

Of what?

What would you want in the bottle?

Merlot.

Oh, yeah.

Have y'all not sat on couches in a club before?

Yeah, yeah.

That's not really our crowd, Chris.

Oh,

I could tell by the perfect reference, and everyone's like, huh?

I was about to go, like, no, no,

I'd seen someone, someone's wearing a Run the Jewels t-shirt,

but I'd only seen the t-shirt.

So he says, not our crowd.

I was like, no, no, no, no.

I looked at the guy.

I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

That guy, he's just like us.

So your dream side dish is going to be...

By the sound of things, some spinach.

Yeah, yeah, I like saute spinach a lot.

So I think that'd be my side.

It's kind of like it's kind of easy, but people can't fuck it up.

Yeah, well, you can, but it's hard to.

Have you ever had anyone fuck up with spinach?

Yes,

do you want to name it, Shane?

Yeah, my auntie can't cook the shit.

Nope, she can't.

Well, she can now.

She can now.

She's a pride of soul, but man, growing up, whoo, we, when she gets in the kitchen, we were like, so we eating out tonight?

She's like, no, I'm a cook.

Like, for you?

I remember she made the sauteed spinach that was stiff.

And I don't know if you ever had sauteed spinach before, but it's never stiff.

And I was just like, what the fuck is where's the moisture?

That's like science.

I do use that more than once.

Yeah.

But how do you do it?

Like, famously, spinach, you cook it, it immediately like wilts.

And how the fuck did you do that?

I know.

It's impressive.

For a cook, terrible.

For somebody doing something new,

killing it.

Do you want it with garlic and like olive oil?

Yeah, I like garlic.

I love the garlic.

I like, sometimes I'll put bacon in the skillet and then warm that up to get

the oils out.

And then I put that on the side cup.

And then when I get the sauteed spinach on, I just add a little bit of it.

That's top-level stuff.

That's for y'all, since y'all don't go to clubs and shit.

Y'all save money.

You're smarter than me.

So you cook the bacon.

So there's the bacon fat.

Remove the bacon.

Yeah.

Cook the spinach in the bacon fat.

You cook the spinach along with the with the bacon with the dried bacon and then you add however much of the fat that you want to add in there.

Just a little bit, just to give it a little like.

That sounds good.

That is one of the best tips we've had on the pod.

Really?

I'm going to start doing that.

If they did that at clubs, like that's clubs.

If they cooked off some bacon.

You know what?

There are some clubs that do it.

In Atlanta, you can sell them to a strip club and they'll make that delicious meal while bootying your face.

I wouldn't know where to look.

I'd be so rude to the lady if I'm tucking into a skillet of salted spinach.

Much spinach is in booty cracks.

Just confuse men with hard dicks and a good meal.

When you were saying that all that, I thought, oh, that's a funny thing to make up.

But I'm confused because there was someone in the front row who literally was going, yep!

because my motherfucking comedy's reality, baby.

I'm being very serious.

No, Atlanta has the dopest strip clubs and they have dope kitchens with chefs that are fucking great.

And you can go there, people go there during the day, not even for the strippers, they come for the food.

It's wild, you know what I mean?

But are the strippers still there dancing?

Yeah, you're not gonna be like, get out of here, stripper.

I'm eating fish.

Like, what the fuck?

Get the fuck out of here, stripper.

I haven't even had my appetizer.

What I'd have to do is go take my meal by myself to like the back private room and just

eat in silence.

Does that cut up, Strema, if you want to do that?

Yeah, no.

No, but what you would do is you put the order in and then you enjoy yourself for a little bit and then the food comes like, all right now.

And everybody has it.

It's an agreeable thing.

But once I've ordered something, I can't stop thinking about the meal until it's arrived.

So

if a lady came over to me and said, Shall I dance?

I'd just be whispering things like, do you know when my spinach is coming out?

I'm so sorry.

I'm really, you're very nice dancing, but

I've ordered this spinach and it's been like 15 minutes, and I really like my spinach.

But well done.

Well, if you like that, you should walk around the strip club like an undercover cop who can't get too comfortable.

You know, it's those guys who are always walking around and just.

Because if you're sitting down and the way you look, you look like you have money.

Strippers are going to come to you.

You look like you have money and weak will for booty.

You know what I mean?

Wow.

Yeah.

We've just met.

That's my Twitter bio.

No.

It's more about how many strip clubs I've been in than it is about.

That's exactly how I'd walk around a strip club.

I'd actually go full two hours away.

Yeah.

Very good, actually.

Well done.

You carry on ladies.

Where's my spinach?

And the strip would be like, that white man got a castle.

Bitch.

Your dream drink, Chris Red.

We've mentioned Merlot, of course.

I don't know if she's going to.

Are you talking about alcoholic drink?

It can be any type of drink.

Just your dream drink for your dream meal.

What's your favourite drink in the world?

Perfect old-fashioned with bullet bourbon.

Oh, yeah.

Respectful.

Yeah, if we're going alcoholic drink, if we're going regular drink, like water or sprite, which is very boring.

But

you can, we can give you a sprite on the side, but I want to hear more about this perfect perfect old-fashioned.

People fuck up old-fashions all of the time.

It's either too bitters, too off, or they're using this pre-made mixed shit.

So I like it

when it's like a real fucking bartender where you're like, yo, how's your old fashioned nigga get slightly offended like

what

Then they start fucking getting the orange and shit start wiping the glass like this nigga means business And then they get to chainsaw just fucking get you an ice cube that's bigger than any fucking like an ice cube that's still melting now.

You know I mean

And you put a little cherry in there and he slides that shit over like yeah, bitch drink that.

That's my type of old fashioned.

Yeah, I think if a bartender,

you have to be be such a good bartender to be able to say, yeah, bitch, drink that.

You actually do, bitch.

Could you imagine a terrible bartender with that kind of attitude?

Yeah, bitch, drink that.

This tastes like shit.

Yeah, bitch.

I'm on break.

I love old fashions.

I haven't been able to drink old fashions since our friend Nish Kumar came to my house.

we decided to make old-fashions and I was really trying hard.

I was trying to be the good bartender.

And after about three of them, I honestly was just stuffing like a whole orange in a pint glass and just pouring bourbon all the way.

We drank a bottle of bourbon and I do not remember the rest of that night.

Yeah, it sounds like a fun night, doesn't it?

Yeah,

it was just in my house, though.

But I was sat on the arm of my couch as well.

Sitting here, just like, I'm like, who am I waiting for?

Do you have a cocktail that you can make really well?

That's like when people come around your house?

Nah, for real.

Like, I don't want to make specialty drinks yet.

I just buy, like, dope liquor and then be like, yo, how much you want me to mix this shit?

And then I just mix some shit.

You know what I'm saying?

I got a little shaker, so

it feels like I'm doing some shit.

Yeah.

But, yeah, it's just any kind of little mix I can make.

But I can't make anything fancy yet.

I tried old-fashioned.

That's just a little hard to do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So when it's your house, I reckon you could get away with saying, Yeah, bitch, drink that, drink that bitch, regardless of how good the drink is, because they've got to be polite.

Guest in your house.

Well, it depends on the context, yeah, yeah.

Because my mom would trip, you know what I mean?

Like,

babe, you got something to drink?

Yeah, bitch, drink.

My dad come out of the bathroom.

What the fuck are you saying?

It was this guy in Canada.

He told me this.

I love that your dad's in the bathroom.

Just waiting.

Yeah, I don't know why in this scenario my dad is in the bathroom chilling until he hears bitch.

That's my cue.

He's just like, this motherfucker better say it soon.

I've been in here all day.

When this old fashioned comes along,

in your head, what what do you think Will's up to

with his family?

He's building a shed.

He's always wanted a shed to keep the tractor because he has a lot of land.

So he would be building his dream shed.

And Ben, Benjamin, and Stacey would be acting like they're helping, but they're just licking nails.

Licking nails?

They're licking nails.

I don't understand how that's acting like they're helping, either.

Well, they look like they're helping.

They're really licking those nails.

Man, these kids are smart, man.

Yeah, bitch, lick that.

And his wife has left him, you know what I mean?

So...

Yeah.

Oh, no.

What happened in between the picnic and the shed building?

Yeah.

His wife has left him.

First of all, it's been 10 years, nigga.

Keep up.

Yeah.

Since you asked me last, time has passed.

You know, she was tired of the frolicking, dog.

She was tired of,

you know, and

she had a better opportunity, man.

Yeah, yeah.

So by this point, it's just been 10 years.

Yeah, one of the Ben's must be like nearly 20.

And he's licking nails.

Yeah.

He said it made me feel like home, man.

He's also a construction worker, yeah.

He's just practicing his alphabet.

Sorry again.

That's a solid callback.

Yes.

But I like to think that someone in the audience has

looked at their phone and go, what is that about?

And they've told him and they've gone, logged?

Interesting.

I need to work on my alphabet and other things.

So

two birds, one stone.

Let's leave a pause while everyone thinks about what that could be if it was an innuendo.

I thought about it.

I thought, I don't think there's really anything there that's pleasant, so let's move on.

You all got to think about it in your heads.

And some of you are looking disapproving at me, but you imagined it.

Yeah.

So whatever you came up with, that's you.

That's on you guys.

Perfect old-fashioned doesn't just mean it's really good, right?

Is that a specific way of making an old-fashioned?

I think there's like a couple of ingredients I'm forgetting, but it's like you gotta have the right amount of bitter, right amount of like this, what's that sweet shit that they put in?

The sugar cube?

Yeah, yeah.

They know the balance of it.

You laugh, the fucking people fuck it up constantly.

Yeah.

Because I've had so many old-fashions that taste like ass.

And so I'm like, what did you do back there, dog?

Like, did you just drop it?

And then it was like, oh, get a sponge.

And then

taste traded.

Yeah, so it's like the perfect balance of that.

And with liquid, it's like, and the way they use the orange.

I mean, if they use the orange right,

all that shit comes together.

It's just, yeah, it's perfect.

We should get one of those tonight.

We should get one.

Yeah.

There's a lot of speakeasies here.

Are there?

Yeah, a lot of speakeasies and hidden bars because Montreal has a lot of secrets.

Y'all have so many hidden bars.

I'm like, if it's so hidden, why cannot Google it?

Makes no sense.

I love that.

I love a hidden bar.

I do too.

It's so exciting when maybe the wall opens opens up and you go into the bar and then halfway through the first drink and it's like just in a bar.

Yeah, man.

You know, it makes me feel like Indiana Jones, nigga, because I'm not going to go to a cave.

You know what I mean?

I don't think they should be called speakeasy because the prohibition's over.

And they keep on calling themselves speakeasies that they're cool.

But like if I was the cops,

I would be like, just for, you know, if we're bored and there's nothing on, it's a slow day.

I'd be like, do you want to go and shut down a speakeasy?

I'd still be doing that now.

Like, we haven't got anything to do.

Let's run that speakeasy and just shut it down and cut

all the client tell out

see I always thought it was called a speakeasy because you're so drunk speaking is easy

speaking is easy when you're drunk yeah like it's easy to walk up and talk to somebody because you fucked up yeah I thought you meant physically it's easy to speak which it isn't yeah yeah see I thought this was gonna do better than it is

I believe in my choice, but

I don't feel good in it.

You know what I mean?

I think you were right to think it would go better, but your mistake was delivering it to me and not Ed.

Fair enough.

You have the reaction you got.

Yes, yeah, yeah, you're exactly right.

Ed Reggie going, yes, I know what human beings mean when they do.

Your dream dessert.

The best of all courses, I think we all agree.

Nope.

All the other ones were just child's play, a little bit of fun.

Are you all dessert people?

wow

start any starter people in

oh less less but better less a more quality person as opposed to the larger group of absolute trash people

that's a real shame ed that's a real shame to say that to people are you are you a dessert boy chris uh not usually yes um in in this in the sense of like a restaurant but i eat a bunch of candy though like i eat candy

Yeah, like, can't.

I do have desserts I like, and I have a choice.

But I have to admit that I do eat candy like a child.

You know, sometimes I feel like

I'll pay like my rent, you know, and then I'll eat nerds in bed.

And I'm like, where am I going with this?

Nerds are mad as well to eat nerds as an adult because nerds are just pure, just getting the sugar in your body.

And that's it.

that's all they're doing is like you may as well

if i could no the nerd the the like the evolution of nerds right now

they got all they got nerds on ropes nigga what it's crazy nerds on rope get out there go to a club eat nerds on a rope

I don't understand nerds on rope.

It's a gummy.

It's a gummy that keeps them all connected.

Yeah, so it looks like the nerds are building towards something.

And is it like clusters of nerds?

They do have nerd clusters.

That's new.

That just dropped last year.

It's like somebody looked at the ropes and was like, what if we blew them up?

You know what I mean?

And those are fucking delicious.

Every job I've worked at in the past six or seven months, I've gotten everybody addicted to nerd clusters.

Grown-ups, people with shit to do, kids at home.

One of my friends hides nerd clusters from his children.

You can't give a kid nerd clusters.

You can if you ever want them to sleep again.

Yeah.

They're delicious though.

James, are you looking up nerd clusters?

Yep.

I've got to see what these look like.

Yeah.

Nerd clusters.

Safe search off.

Yeah, they look insane.

Wow.

Like, that's a...

Oh, yeah, so it's like...

It looks like the.

Is this what you were hoping for from the show?

It looks like the everlasting gobstopper in Winnie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Yeah, but it shit is not a gobstopper and it ends quickly.

And it's delicious.

Have you ever

ever said that sentence before?

Never.

This is not a gob stopper and it ends quickly.

Never said that before.

So you're eating nerds in bed after you've paid your rent?

Not all the time, yeah.

Let's not get carried away.

What's the best type of nerd?

I know I'm getting insecure about it.

What's the best type of nerd for bed?

Is it a cluster?

Is it a rope or is it an old school box?

Oh, cluster.

Yeah.

With a rope, the nerds are still falling off.

the gummies, so it could be in your bed.

That's

childish.

Clusters, you can put them in a little bowl and shit.

You know what I'm saying?

You would put them in a bowl and take a bowl.

You would put them in a little bowl.

If you want to get fancy with your candies, I'm an adult, my nigga.

I own shit.

I go places.

I put my candy in bowls.

And airtight jars.

If you have people over,

you'd like put out some nerd clusters in a little bowl.

No, no, no.

They're already out there in this airtight jar.

I have nerd clusters.

I have peach rings.

And I have some M ⁇ Ms.

And there's like right there.

and right in my coffee maker and people come in there they can grab a joint smoke that oh what's that candy

yeah I want to feel like a kid again and they eat that they're like you're not a kid you're an adult make coffee

that's a good setup thanks man on all the jars it just says it just says eat that bitch

no but I'm adding that

is there anywhere in this meal where you'd like to smoke a joint oh I thought I was smoking throughout it oh yeah yeah absolutely yeah That's the first time James has ever said smoke a joint, by the way.

I don't know if you can.

You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could tell, because he said it like it was the word of the day.

Didn't sound like a knock.

I felt like a knock.

Yeah, you should have felt both your hands about that.

Get down on the ground.

I knew he was wired this whole time.

The speakers is shut down.

Is there any point of this bale where you'd like to smoke a joint?

Good evening, sir.

Do you want to squander?

Perfectly innocent question.

You would smoke throughout.

Yeah,

well, especially before and after, I think, would be the smartest thing.

You smoke before so you really dive into the food.

And then you smoke after because you, you know, you know what you did

uh

i go like i am pick i i am uh picky about my desserts that's why i um don't usually eat them but when i'm back home my favorite dessert this is a dessert i would have on my dream meal would be uh this uh coconut pound cake with icing that my uh that my mama makes it's a pound cake it's a southern pound cake that actually has icing on it most pound cakes don't have icing on it and this shit is Fucking amazing.

Is it so good it would make your dad come out of the bathroom?

Yo, as soon as that cake comes out the oven, he's like,

you know what to say.

That sounds great.

Yeah.

Also, not enough desserts on the podcast have coconut on them.

I don't think coconut as feature.

It doesn't come up a lot.

I'm not a big coconut fan, like straight up coconut or coconut water, but like this ice, the way this icing is great, though, yeah.

Is it really sweet or?

It's just sweet enough.

And it's not too thick or fl not too thick or fluffy.

It's that just like

perfectly thin, but still there, kind of icing.

I like it.

And is this every time you go home the coconut pound cake will come out?

Or do you like to request it?

Every single time.

I don't eat it all every single time because it's a full cake.

How big is each serving?

Man, I mean...

Depends on what it depends.

It depends on how you like to eat cake.

I like to eat.

I think it's about the size of like the tesseract.

in the Marvel Cinematic Unit.

If the Tesseract was shaped like a cake.

Because having a cake shaped like a tesseract is a lot of cake.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it quite a dense cake as well?

It's big, but it's light, though.

Okay, so not as dense as the tesseract, for example.

No, I feel like the tesseract's dense.

Yeah, that's dense, yeah.

I know.

I think it's pretty light.

When people pick it up, it seems like pretty easy.

Tesseract.

I looking I could pick up the tesseract.

I wouldn't mean you can pick up the tessess.

What would you do with the tesseract?

Oh, that's a good question.

Best question anyone's asked this whole podcast, actually.

What would you do with the Tesseract?

What would I do with the Tesseract?

I think you'd panic, man.

You wouldn't know what to do with it.

Well,

I'd want to travel somewhere like Loki does when he does the thing.

Yeah.

So, uh...

So you think he would just hat potato the Tesseract?

Yeah, he'd go, your turn.

I can't think of anything.

Possibly back around later.

Right now, if someone gave me a Tesseract, genuinely, because it's what my mind has been thinking about for the last ten minutes, I'd go to just wherever sells the nerd clusters.

Yeah.

I'd appear.

So like down the street.

Yeah.

One bug of nerd clusters, please.

And the guy would go, is that a fucking Tesseract?

That's what you.

This is your goal on the Tesseract.

We all get one goal on the Tesseract, and you've come to buy nerd clusters.

I think it's worth it.

Worth the trip.

Yeah, I think that'd be pretty cool.

I really want to try the nerd clusters.

You should.

That's what I do with the Tesseract.

Although I don't know, you know, that wouldn't be as good a series on Disney Plus.

Let's find out where James already had the Tesseract.

He went to a sweet shop.

Be a good travel show, that though.

Me with a Tesseract.

Me with a Tesseract.

That would be pretty fun.

That would be quite a good travel show.

Travel lock show.

You would start every

episode disheveled because you just got there.

Hey, y'all.

Time travel, is it smooth in your world?

We get asked a lot of the time if we want to do a food travel show, Ed and I.

And we're always like, yeah, we just like to go around eating food.

And they're like, no, no, it's got to have a twist.

It's got to have something to it.

And that could be what we've pitched the Tesseract.

I've always said I would never do a food traveling show unless I could travel in time.

Could you imagine?

Go back to the 80s, like this pizza is amazing, but racism sucks, you know?

That would be my show.

Yeah.

We would say that as well.

I think I would make a point

of saying in any episode,

this food is all amazing, but racism sucks.

I want people to know.

You are an ally, that's for sure.

I think it would mean less coming from you, though, James, with a mouthful of of pizza, going, the pizza's so good.

But yeah, racism's bad too, I guess.

Fuck.

I'm an ally.

If I say I'm an ally after, does that take away from it?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's it's a direct uh minus.

Yeah.

So you're definitely this pound cake is your dream dessert.

Boom.

Do you have anything with it when you're eating it or is it just the pound cake by itself?

Would you would there be like ice cream or cream or anything like that with it?

Mm no, I would have uh ice cream with the peach cobbler, but like that's the cake is enough.

And you don't want like a bowl of nerd clusters.

Nah, I'm not trying to lose all my teeth.

No, so it's either nerd clusters or it's cake.

Yeah.

But a nerd cluster cake would fuck the game.

You know people make those cakes where you cut into them and then loads of candy spills out from the middle.

Oh, have you seen those cakes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Those cakes are fire.

I would love to have a nerd cluster cake like that, dog.

I've seen those.

And I've seen my dad push children out the way to get to one of those cakes.

If you think you eat candy like a child, James's dad would absolutely have you in a fucking candy battle.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Within five minutes of him being in your house.

You could show him into your home, into the living room, go and get him a drink, come back, and you just see three empty bowls there.

Because the M ⁇ M's the Nerdcluster camera.

With a bite taken out of one of the bowls as well.

I wasn't sure if the bowls were made of sugar or not, so I tested one of them, Chris.

Thank you for your hospitality.

The bowls are empty, Chris.

I have to go to the hospital now.

My mouth is bleeding.

But I will be back.

I hope the bowls are full when I get back.

I will call you, man.

I'd be real mad.

On FaceTime, too, if it could be around people.

And I'd be like, your dad ate my motherfucking bowl.

And I'll be like, I'll be there straight away.

Tesseract one

into your room.

Dad, come on.

That sounds like a delicious meal.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

I've got it written down here.

I also have a text from Nish Kumar on my phone that says, I can't believe you're on your phone in the show.

You're like Stillwater.

Huh?

Stillwater.

Oh, that's not what I heard.

Yeah.

What did you think I said?

Nah.

He's not doing that today.

Still water and greed.

Was it something bad?

I heard stillborn, man.

Hey, I tried to move past it.

You saw me, dog.

You really did try to say, hey, no, I ain't going to do that today, did you?

Full respects.

Full respects.

She was like, no, nigga, tell him.

It's 100% not your fault what just happened.

I kind of pushed for it.

Everyone did want to know what you thought.

James,

30 seconds left.

Bruschetta from Halifax.

12 oysters with cocktail sauce, horseradish, and lemon for your starter.

Main course branzino with angel hair pasta and olive cream sauce.

Side dish, saute spinach with garlic and a drizzling of bacon oil.

Drink, perfect, old-fashioned with bullet bourbon, plus a sprite on the side.

Dessert, coconut pound cake with icing.

Comma, his mums.

Yeah, let's say she would like that.

Sounds good.

That's an amazing menu.

That's ridiculous.

This has been off the menu.

Off the menu.

That was right.

Yes.

So that'll be $20,000.

Coming back up, Chris Red.

Would you like a joint?

Hell yeah.

Do you want to go smoke some drugs, Chris Valent?

Hi, do you do drugs?

We all do drugs in here, don't we?

All do drugs.

I'll tell you what, Meg helps me unwind.

A delicious spliff.

I feel so stressed.

I need some Mary Giwana.

I love to smoke puff, but boy, do I get the munchies.

It's Tuesday.

Can't do heroin.

Where's we?

I've got that on a t-shirt, that one.

Yeah, that helps you really fit in, doesn't it?

It has really for my undercover work.

Tuesday is weed there.

It's always Tuesday somewhere.

No idea what you're talking about.

It's not always Tuesday somewhere.

Yeah.

It's always Tuesday somewhere.

It's always Tuesday somewhere.

Not at all.

I mean, only on Tuesday.

It's not always Tuesday somewhere at all.

Nowhere has a time difference of like six days.

I'd like that as like a comedy catchphrase called the response with the audience.

Like, when's Tuesday?

Tuesday.

I love people that use that saying, though.

They're like, oh, whatever we can drink, like, hey, it's 10 o'clock somewhere.

I always like to be like, where?

I did that to a dude on a plane.

He was like, you know.

I was like, nah, nigga, where, though?

You said where.

I need to know where.

That should be the role.

Yeah.

Like, if you say that, it should be like, where?

And if they get it right, Albuquerque.

Kirk.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, say a thing.

Say a place.

And it better be 10 o'clock right now.

That's the beauty of having a tesseract.

Yeah.

10 o'clock somewhere, and I'm going there right now.

Yeah.

But you've used it.

You get one go at the tesseracts and you've used it for nine clusters.

You can't.

Whoa, hold on.

Was that the rule?

I get one go on the tesseract.

I think that was the rule we established, right?

I think you can only use it a couple times because the rest of the universe can feel it and then you have to fight for it.

Yeah.

So you've got the full weight of the multiverse coming after you for a box of nerd clusters.

Yes, you got big old people looking like nerd clusters.

Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

Could Chris Red, everybody?

Yes, thank you, man.

That was so much fun, bro.

Couldn't have far to a better guest.

We really appreciate it.

Absolutely brilliant.

Thank you so much.

Let's all leave at the same time.

Thank you so very much, guys.

Thank you guys so much.

Oh, well, there we are.

What an episode.

What a guest.

Thank you so much, Chris, for coming on.

What a spectacular guest.

So good.

Perfect for a live episode.

Really perfect.

Ran with everything.

Yeah.

So funny, but also...

Brilliant descriptions of food, brilliant food choices.

I want that coconut pound cake.

Yes.

Oh, good to hear you say it.

Yeah.

Welcome to the dessert club.

It's brought me into the dessert club.

Yeah, that sounds delicious.

I love the description of the Branzino and the Angel Hair Pastor.

That was great.

I think Branzino is sea bass, by the way.

I didn't say it.

I think...

Why did you not say it?

We didn't have confidence in it.

Well, you didn't even know if it was fish, and I thought we should get to the bottom of that first.

I guess we got sidetracked and talked about eating Will Smith.

And then...

I just didn't want to be the guy who was just sat there saying the serious food stuff.

I wanted fun messing around with the guy.

I was having fun too, yeah.

Yeah, I was having fun as well, but I didn't want to be like, excuse me, Brancino is sea bass.

Yeah.

I saw you the other night, James, and in Montreal.

Very, very, very good show.

Thank you.

So I urge people to go and see it wherever James is in the world.

And even the follow spot operator was heckling you.

He was.

Kept on moving the spotlight away from me.

Yeah.

Doing little tricks, doing little showy-offy bits.

And every time he did it, I thought, this is on the verge of being unprofessional or too much.

But then he wouldn't do it for ages, and he always picked his moments perfectly.

I was really impressed with that guy.

It's extremely impressive.

Yeah, yeah.

So, maybe we booked that person for that.

Yeah, I think so.

For the podcast, for the podcast.

Yeah.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September, the time is 7 p.m., and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

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True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September.

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