Ep 171: Chloe Petts

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Speaker 1 from the 20th of January, starting in Toronto, and then finishing once again in Canada, in Vancouver, on the 15th of February. And in between, I'm going all over the place.

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Speaker 1 Hello, and welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the egg whites of chat, the whiskey of rude humor, and the sweet, sweet boys, the sugary syrup boys, putting them all in the cocktail shaker of the internet and shaker, shaker, shaker, shaker, shaker to form the frothiest and sourest podcast available.

Speaker 1 Hello, James. I'm a sugary sweet boy.
That's a sugary sweet boy. That said, my name is James.
We own a dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 I have lemon juice in it as well, because otherwise, it's not sour. Benito is the lemon juice, the sour, bitter old man.
Sour little producer, cutting out any mentions to him.

Speaker 1 And this is off-menu, dream restaurant. We invite a guest in, we ask them their favorite ever start a May Course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

Speaker 1 And this week, our guest is Chloe Petts. Chloe Pett's wonderful comedian.
My support acts on tour a lot of the time.

Speaker 1 Of course, Anya Magliano also supports me on tour and she's been on a previous episode. Yeah, so this is completes the set, I believe.
Completes the set. Chloe does most of them, though.
Sorry, Anya.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Anya. Sorry, Anya.
But a real treat to have Chloe coming on the Off-Menu podcast. Because also, I know she likes her food.
I would not have a support act who did not enjoy eating food.

Speaker 1 It would be a disaster. They'd be fired after one gig.
Main bit of criteria. Genuinely, it would be a real disappointment.
Yeah, I think it would ruin your tour, right?

Speaker 1 If you were like, oh, where are we going to eat today?

Speaker 1 And they went, not really bothered Although we've I've not been great eating-wise on tour I get worried about being too full before the gig Yeah, and it's been a lot of dressing rooms.

Speaker 1 I think Chloe's fed up of Nando's. Yeah, I can never get fed up of Nando's.
So that's the thing. I think

Speaker 1 I mean my theory is when it's when it's your tour you never get sick of Nando's. If you're supporting someone on tour, you can get sick of Nando's pretty quick.
Oh god, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's something about how much you're putting into, yeah, you're putting on the show. Yeah.
Yeah. How important the show is to you that evening.

Speaker 1 And I'm not saying it doesn't matter to tour supports. They want to have a good one.
But not so much that. But it's a gig, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your name's not above the door. Yeah.
I've done a lot of support. I was eating all sorts of shit before I went on.
Yeah. Doing whatever.

Speaker 1 Now, Nando, I had to eat my Nando's, keep it clean, keep it healthy. So I've got the energy for the show.
Yeah. So many times on tour, you know, I think...
Not Nando's today.

Speaker 1 And then as we're getting towards the city, I'm googling and I'm I'm going, Paul. We're going to Nando.
We're going to Nando. My tour manager is also called Paul.
Yeah, they're always called Paul.

Speaker 1 It's a different Paul. Tour managers, yeah.
Yeah. Now, listen.
Chloe Pets, one of the greats. Yes.
I'll feel bad if we have to do this. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But there's a secret ingredient that if Chloe Pets mentions it,

Speaker 1 we will have to kick her out the dream. It's also going to be on because we've got to go to South End after this.

Speaker 1 Well, but also this episode, if Chloe says the secret ingredient, she'll be kicked off your tour. Yeah.
That's the

Speaker 1 extra stipulation. True.
Good luck, Anya. And you're just going to have to get to the South phone pretty quickly.
Short notice.

Speaker 1 And today, the secret ingredient for Chloe Pets is

Speaker 1 hairy pork scratching.

Speaker 1 Hairy pork scratchings, of course.

Speaker 1 We talk about these on a future episode that's coming up with a mystery guest at Christmas. Yes.
But it's really put us in mind of a hairy pork scratching. Reminded us how much.

Speaker 1 Look, pork scratchings.

Speaker 1 In general, I like,

Speaker 1 I want loads of them. Yeah.
I don't like the soft ones. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I hate the ones with hairs on them. Yeah, no, thank you.
Always reminds me of the Alan Partridge line as well. Yeah.
Do you shave your crackling?

Speaker 1 Think about that a lot.

Speaker 1 So that's nice. At least you get to be reminded of some nice comedy you enjoy.
Yeah, I should.

Speaker 1 But it's disgusting, isn't it? It's disgusting. So if Chloe Pets does say pork scratch-ins, we will have to ask the follow-up question.

Speaker 1 With a hair because I imagine Chloe won't specify with a hair on it. Has it got a hair on it? We'll ask it.
If she says yes, sorry. Bye-bye.
Tata. Tata.
Tata from the tour. Tata from the tour.

Speaker 1 You're not doing the tour anymore, and you have to return all the money you made from the tour. Oh, is that part of the rule as well? Yep.

Speaker 1 If you get kicked off the tour, you have to return all the money that you made from the tour. I mean, it's going to be tricky because Chloe spent it all on clothes on the day of the gigs.

Speaker 1 Straight away. Yep.
Well, I'm very much looking forward to this episode.

Speaker 1 I'll see if there's any kind of in-jokes that come up that I'm not privy to. You won't be part of them.
Good luck. I'll just laugh along.
I'll pretend like I'm. Yeah, you'd be a nice boy.

Speaker 1 This is the off-menu menu of Chloe Pets.

Speaker 1 Welcome, Chloe, to the dream restaurant. Hello, thanks for having me.
You just turned a glass of water upside down.

Speaker 1 A full glass of water. Jeannie's not even bursting out the lamp today.

Speaker 1 I've already burst out the lamp. Tell with me.

Speaker 1 With great joy. My one wish is for a tea towel.
Well, well, I will explain what happened in my brain there.

Speaker 1 I walked in, I saw that you had two full glasses of water. I assumed that Benito had come in, the water were like turned, because it's a dream restaurant.

Speaker 1 I thought the glasses would be turned upside down, a waiter would come over, flip the glasses the other way, pour me a little glass of water.

Speaker 1 So I just assumed that I had to turn my own glass up the right way, then pour it out.

Speaker 1 But it turns out it was full, and I just poured it all over the electrical equipment. Literally picked up a full glass of water and upended it onto the the table.
Yeah. You just poured it.

Speaker 1 I mean, a lot to break down in your explanation of what happened in your brain there. You know, this is a podcast studio, right? You know.

Speaker 1 No, we're in a dream. It's conceptual.
It's conceptual. You thought there was a glass, an upside-down empty glass on the table.
The amount of times.

Speaker 1 You probably would have to turn that over so I can put water in it. Yeah.
Because that's how see-through the water was. It just looked like there wasn't any.

Speaker 1 The amount of times that I've had to sit listening to this bloody podcast, hearing you justify to your guess that James is actually a real genie, I thought I'd come in and I'd buy into the concept is that such a crime well okay so we'll give you that you bought into the concept you even as you walked into the studio you're like I'm in a dream restaurant I'll just do what I would do in a dream restaurant why in your dream restaurant are all the glasses upside down and empty as you come in

Speaker 1 doesn't that happen sometimes

Speaker 1 no no no it was a wonderful start I'm looking at this full glass of water I've got here and trying to even imagine in my head that that's an upside down empty glass No. And I can't make it happen.

Speaker 1 I can't do that. I can't trick my brain.
For the listener, it's also the glass is a lot wider at the bottom and then goes narrower at the top. It's not even a straight up and down glass.

Speaker 1 So you can't even, even if there wasn't a big hole in the top of that, you couldn't imagine that it was upside down. I'm trying to imagine it.
But also, I just loved the, I mean,

Speaker 1 seeing somebody pick up a full glass of water and just fully upside down

Speaker 1 and just dunk, there's all the water all over the.

Speaker 1 And immediately, straight up, all the water. Oh, no.
Complete malfunction. Oh, dear.
And then block it with your arms.

Speaker 1 Did you think that that was a good, like, create an arm moat?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I just put my arm in front of all the electrical equipment and created sort of a suction,

Speaker 1 like a vacuum with the table so that it wouldn't go under. Ed got a tea towel.
I did absolutely nothing. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, you were loving it.
I was laughing. I was having a good time.

Speaker 1 It's a wonderful start. It's a great start, Chloe.
But welcome to the Dream Restaurant. The genie's out.

Speaker 1 There he is. Hello, Jeannie.
Good to see you. You were telling us beforehand that

Speaker 1 you were sick.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah. So I did a half marathon on Sunday.
And then I sort of got into, I think I get sort of quite a feast or famine mentality.

Speaker 1 And I did it when I was a kid where if there was like, you were at a party and there was a buffet, I go hard on the party rings. I did.
I know I do that now. Knee slides across the dance floor.

Speaker 1 And then if you're not, if you're not puking up when you get home, then you haven't gone hard enough. Yeah, Yeah, sure.
Right?

Speaker 1 Party ring sick as well. Yeah,

Speaker 1 but sort of like a base of beige. So there's a lot of cocktail sausages in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes they'll sort of come out full and you'll see them like just bubble in the toilet path.

Speaker 1 A very visceral image there. So I sort of did the same thing after the half marathon where, and in my brain, I was like, well, I've burned a serious amount of calories here.
I've earned a big,

Speaker 1 I've earned a big roast. So I had full roast, full apple pie and ice cream, cream, three pints.
Got homesicked all up. Yeah.
There was a cocktail sausage in there. You might have saved from 1997.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, look, you went hard on the run. You went equally as hard on the meal, which was potentially the mistake, I guess.
And also, I'm going to say this, Chloe. I didn't say it at the time.

Speaker 1 I saw the roast dinner that you had. It didn't look very nice.
Oh, yeah. Oh, it was.
It was pretty bad.

Speaker 1 From a pub? If it was from a pub, it was from a green king. Oh, yeah.
That was the issue. So it was an organised, it was the Royal Parks half marathon.
So we had to, like, book a pub.

Speaker 1 And the only place that was left was this Green King. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was a farce from start to finish. I had to spend about 10 minutes explaining to the young man behind the counter what a breakfast tea was.
What? That was a debacle. Who's this guy?

Speaker 1 Also, why were you having a breakfast tea? Catherine Bohart was having a breakfast tea. Right, okay.
I was having

Speaker 1 three punches.

Speaker 1 Two Guinness and an echo. A spectator at the marathon or involved? Bohart was involved.
So Bohart also would run the marathon and she chose to celebrate with just a breakfast tea.

Speaker 1 Just a simple breakfast tea. No,

Speaker 1 she had fish and chips, a glass of wine, a prosecco. And a breakfast tea.
And then a breakfast tea, changing.

Speaker 1 That's what we call her.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what, she was a bloody nightmare. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know what? Her attitude...

Speaker 1 When she turned up on that morning of the half marathon, her attitude stunk.

Speaker 1 And the way that she motivates herself is to be really negative right whereas my i motivate myself by being really positive yes you're a very positive person yeah well that's very nice thing for you to say now

Speaker 1 she gets into that toilet queue and she starts emceeing it like it's a gig all the ladies around her she's having a chat with and she's telling them how bad we are at running and i'm thinking No, we're not.

Speaker 1 We've trained very hard. We've done a really good job here.

Speaker 1 So that means that when she's sort of telling women that she and I as a duo are bad at running that's essentially code for I'm good at running but my massive friend next to me

Speaker 1 is thick and fat

Speaker 1 and she's gonna roll around the Royal Park I think you've read quite a lot into no no no I haven't because all of these women then flock around me and start giving me a pep talk of how great I'm gonna be at the run and I'm standing there going yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm so fast I'm gonna create a little tornado.

Speaker 1 There's going to be a severe weather event in the Royal Bart Time Barrack because I've been running so fast.

Speaker 1 In the meantime, they're squirting your water bottle all over your shoes because you're trying to drink out the wrong end.

Speaker 1 Just squeezing it.

Speaker 1 Anyway, then around mile two, suddenly her attitude's wonderful. And I was just, she was like, we can do this.
I was like, yeah, I've been saying this.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 now you're the negative Nancy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's transferred it over to you. So mile two, oh, we're doing really well.
Oh, fucking no, we're doing well. Yeah, for saying it.
Yeah. Did you run together for the whole thing?

Speaker 1 Yeah, she had to stop for a wee at one point. And I was like, I'm so sorry.
If I stop now, then I won't start again. So I just sort of trotted on and then she caught up with me.
Nice.

Speaker 1 Around nine miles, I physically hit. Like, they talk about hitting the wall.
Like, it's like your brain hits a wall. And I felt so profoundly depressed and existential.

Speaker 1 And then I just had a little electrolyte tablet and was like, oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. Powered on through to 13.1.

Speaker 1 Held hands across the finish lines, sprinted it. With Catherine.

Speaker 1 Just a random man.

Speaker 1 One of the ladies who gave me a petal. Yeah, dry chicken.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you ate half a chicken. I'm a vegetarian, Ed.
Yeah, but you put a picture of yourself online eating half a chicken afterwards. A vegan, half chicken.
A vegan, half chicken.

Speaker 1 Well, they've done. Tell you what, they've done wonders with the way they make them look.
They didn't need to do the bones, but they did the bones.

Speaker 1 But,

Speaker 1 okay, so ethically, I'm a vegetarian. Yes.
Yeah, no, but I'll bet you on that. Look, for those who don't know, Chloe supports me on tour.

Speaker 1 And I'd say 99.8% of the time, vegetarian. That's a very kind percentage.
Imagine if, like, while you're on stage, I was just secret eating a whole brisket. Yeah, that is something I would do.

Speaker 1 It does stink of a barbecue restaurant when I go back.

Speaker 1 Just cut barbecue sauce around the world.

Speaker 1 No, so ethically, I'm a vegetarian. And look, I think it makes me an absolutely wonderful person that

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 love meat. I love meat.
I just think it's so fantastic. Yes.

Speaker 1 But I just think the sort of meat that I was eating was very bad for the climate. Yeah.
Yeah. So that's why I choose not to eat meat.
Chicken's fine. Yeah, that's the rule.

Speaker 1 That's the rule. Chicken's not as bad as...

Speaker 1 But then we watched Chicken Run the other week and now I just felt like I was eating Jane Horrocks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's one of the most hard-hitting Netflix documentaries about the climate and meeting you can watch. Yeah, fuck Simon Amstel's bullshit.
Yeah, Chicken Run. Chicken Run is the one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that made me joke. Don't watch Chicken Run.
You'll just go vegan.

Speaker 1 She doesn't want to be a pie. She doesn't even like gravy.

Speaker 1 So we always start with still a sparkling water. Well, I'm a recent convert to the sparkling.
Really? Take us on that journey.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I think it was just,

Speaker 1 I spent maybe my whole life into my early 20s thinking about going for a meal was about where can you save the money. Right.

Speaker 1 And you can always save the money on on the on the water. You ask for a tap water.
Straight away, you're in, you're saving money.

Speaker 1 Day dot, you're in. Tap water.
Tap water in the kids' menu, please. Yeah.
You used to shout tap water to Ching, didn't you?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You've been in a restaurant with me.

Speaker 1 So yeah, and then

Speaker 1 I sort of realized that sparkling was an option when you're an adult that's in charge of your own money.

Speaker 1 And I just think it's the most luxurious drink you could possibly drink because you don't need it. Yeah.
Interesting. So yeah, some people talk about the

Speaker 1 taste and that it feels luxurious because it's bubbly. But you're literally saying it's luxurious because it's an added extra that no one possibly.
needs. Absolutely not.

Speaker 1 Like it's doing exactly the same function as a water. I will will say that it's absolutely glorious on a hangover.
I don't know what is about those bubbles, but it really sorts you out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I don't know. I just, I've really, I've really come to.
Can you hear James's stomach now? Yeah, I can hear it. It's absolutely crazy what you're saying.
James's going nuts. Hungry?

Speaker 1 It's like a haunted house door.

Speaker 1 Hungry or too full? Hungry. Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens to one of us.
at least once in a recording day. Yeah, it's going mad.
What I will say is I've got a protein ball in my rucksack.

Speaker 1 Would you like one? No. Okay.
But thank you though. You're welcome.
I've never had a protein ball before so I don't want to have my first one. I don't know what it would do to me.

Speaker 1 What? I don't know what it would do. What do you mean you don't know what it would do? It feels a bit risky.
Sorry, she's not offering you MDMA. It feels like it.

Speaker 1 James, would you like half a pill? Oh,

Speaker 1 that's not your stomach gurgling.

Speaker 1 Would you like sparkling water because you can tell it's in the glass?

Speaker 1 What's happened there is we've started taking the piss out of James and he's tried to get status back by coming back to the front and I poured a full glass of water over Benito's laptop.

Speaker 1 Trying to succeed. Yeah, to be honest, that's absolutely James at his best.
I did it. Backs into a corner, comes out fighting.

Speaker 1 Little scrappy boy.

Speaker 1 Little scrappy boy. He's done well there.
Well, I didn't want to get pushed into doing a power ball or whatever it was.

Speaker 1 A parable?

Speaker 1 A power ball. Oh, a power ball.
Do you have a power ball?

Speaker 1 You didn't think Chloe was offering you a parable to stop your stomach growing?

Speaker 1 About the man and the mustard. There There were two shepherds.

Speaker 1 But are you hungover for your dream meal? No, no, no, no, no. There's actually quite a I have quite a lot of stipulations of how I would like the dream.
So

Speaker 1 I thought about this in some depth. What I would like is a real menu and a sort of ghost menu.

Speaker 1 And the ghost menu is... the menu that is my true self

Speaker 1 and then the real menu is the menu that will stop my girlfriend from leaving me right and the ghost menu i would say is sort of the ghost part is like the ghosts of all of the animals that i will be eating right so if i'm allowed to have those running concurrently then i would be really happy we'd love to hear the the girlfriend menu and the ghost menu thank you separately i'm confused at which one is which so girlfriend is real menu but then the ghost menu is the ghost menu is what i want really so that makes me think that's real that's the real

Speaker 1 that's the real menu because that's what you want and then the girlfriend menu is the fake menu yeah that's pretty existential yeah but the ghosts relate to the ghosts of the animals that are on the menu yeah yes but also I would happily eat either of these menus yeah like very happily well I'd love to hear both as we go along absolutely and am I allowed in the dream restaurant

Speaker 1 you know how much I love competitive eaters right yeah oh my god

Speaker 1 actually obsessed actually obsessed yeah

Speaker 1 yeah my favorite is Randy Santel probably sent us a picture to the tour whatsapp group once once, her with a random fat man, I'll say it.

Speaker 1 And when it was like

Speaker 1 no context, and me and our tour manager Paul had to be like, sorry, Chloe, why have you sent us this picture? She's like, it's Randy Santell.

Speaker 1 I've just met Randy Santell.

Speaker 1 One of the best competitive eaters going. Yeah.
He's absolutely great. And I would say that.
I'm not third best.

Speaker 1 In this line of work, you have to get used to meeting very famous people

Speaker 1 and not like behaving like a a weirdo yeah like not getting too starstruck but I would say that the people that I get starstruck around are competitive eaters or sports journalists so if Barry Glendenning were to walk in that door right now I would be all of a flutter yeah Randy Santel whereas the three of us would be like who the fuck are you get the fuck out of us

Speaker 1 unless you're here to clean the table get the fuck out of you

Speaker 1 I would basically like to have the stomach capacity of a competitive eater. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Menu. Okay, well that's fine.
But you're not going to eat at the sort of speed of a competitive eater, right? Because it is gross watching those guys eat. No, it won't be speed, it'll be volume.

Speaker 1 You won't be dipping things in water to get them down easier. How do you watch that? Because like every time they dunk a hot dog in water, it makes one be sick.
Yeah. So how are you watching that?

Speaker 1 So that's like the sort of competitive side of the competitive eating where they're competing against each other. You just watch them have normal meals.

Speaker 1 Whereas I watch them sort of in their training, I would guess.

Speaker 1 So they'll go around to different like restaurants and cafes and stuff that will have their own challenges. Like belly buster breakfast or something.
Yeah, but Mr. Big Beast breakfast.
Mr.

Speaker 1 Big Beast Belly Buster Breakfast. Yeah, big, big pizza time.
Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I've forgotten big pizza.

Speaker 1 I did need another example, so thank you.

Speaker 1 And then they'll sort of eat it at, for them, sort of quite a leisurely pace. But they'll still be doing it within the half half an hour.
Yeah, and they'll be on the wall, obviously.

Speaker 1 They'll get put on the wall and the t-shirt.

Speaker 1 So that's what I watch. And I think fundamentally it is disgusting, but my brain is able to like,

Speaker 1 because I'm not the one experiencing the reality of like having that much food within me, I can just be like, oh, a selection of delicious foods that I would love to be eating right now.

Speaker 1 It's sort of an intellectual enjoyment rather than a bad thing.

Speaker 1 I have gone through periods of watching stuff like that.

Speaker 1 There's a guy called Eric the Electric. I love Eric the Electric.

Speaker 1 Who will eat just like he'll go and buy like 100,000 calories worth of food and just eat it in a whole day. But he does like Iron Man.
Yeah, he cycles.

Speaker 1 He goes for like 25 mile cycle in the morning and then comes back and eats, you know, eight boxes of cereal. A little like me and my half marathon.
Yeah. But he probably doesn't chuck it all up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I was like, yeah, there's not those YouTube videos of Eric the Electric. Just

Speaker 1 absolutely hurling. Pop love's hot bread.
Oh, pop love's hot bread, Chloe Pets. Pop love's hot bread.
God, I vowed that it wouldn't take me by surprise, but it did.

Speaker 1 It feels like I'm being heckled at an Ed Gamble gig. Have you been heckled at Supporting Ed before? No, actually.
No, they've been nice this tour. No,

Speaker 1 nothing malicious. No, they're a nice bunch, actually.
You'd recommend Supporting Ed Gamble on tour to other comedians? To anyone. Yeah, honestly, to anyone.

Speaker 1 But you wouldn't do that, because then that would mean you're... But I wouldn't have the work.
Punting the job out there. Yeah, shit, I hate it.

Speaker 1 They're shouting Poblums at bread at me every night, I'm saying. That's not even his.
That's not even Ed's. Yeah, exactly.
He's never said it. He's never

Speaker 1 silly little friends catching it. Yeah, I don't agree with it.
I think it's stupid. Stupid questions to ask people.
It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 There are many things that I was told early tours would not make sense on the podcast, and they've stuck. And bad luck Ed, I guess.
Yeah. For the rest of his life.

Speaker 1 For the rest of his life. Yeah.
Is that how long you're going to do that? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is my pension, mate.

Speaker 1 You've seen the tour receipts.

Speaker 1 For me, it's bread.

Speaker 1 If I was having a lovely curry, of course, pobber dumps, but I'm not. Yeah, for this, I'd really need the infinite sort of capacity of belly to be available to me.
So you don't ruin yourself on bread.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I will be pinging it back if I'm honest. And, like, you know, they bring out pats of butter.

Speaker 1 Keep them coming. Just

Speaker 1 I'm not even spreading. I'm just going to pop one pat on a piece of bread and onto the next.
Just arrange them all like that. The pats.
Yeah, a little bit. How many pats per slice? Flowy pats.

Speaker 1 Pats per slice? One. I'm not crazy.
Oh, I thought you were talking about like not spreading. I thought you were talking about like

Speaker 1 putting the pat on and then next to it another pat and then another pat. I thought to go to the full surface of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's an option available to me. If you've got infinite pats, then you go for it, right?

Speaker 1 Infinite pats. Yeah, yeah.
And I honestly think we're in a... a golden age of bread in London.

Speaker 1 I really do. I think it's sort of like the bread renaissance.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where you go to Popham's, Jolene, other places.

Speaker 1 I would have loved to have done Rule of Three there, but I just didn't have it in me. Those are your favourite two? Those are my favourite two.
Popham's number one? Popham's number one for sure.

Speaker 1 But also, I went to this place where they did, I can't remember the name of it, but they did amazing Guinness bread. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was just like the perfect blend of like dark and fluffy and like crispy on the outside. I agree.
Golden Age of bread in London. Yeah.
It's the exact sort of thing I would say.

Speaker 1 I'm well up for that as a phrase. I'm going to start using that.
So is there, for your two different menus, is the bread course the same? Oh yeah, because

Speaker 1 we've got to do ghost bread. Ghost bread.
And we've got to do real bread.

Speaker 1 Because I feel like there shouldn't be a distinction breadwise between the menu to stop your girlfriend leaving you and the ghost menu, right?

Speaker 1 Bread's the same. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You've intubited correctly there. So that will say the same.
Pats of butter on the Guinness bread. So we're having a little platter of breads.

Speaker 1 Is it going to be a bit of bread from Popham's, bit of bread from Jolene? Yeah. Bit of bread from the mysterious Guinness bread restaurants.
Yeah, and preferably, like maybe a sour dough.

Speaker 1 I'm so partial to Frocaccha. Yeah.
Yeah, just a bread where you don't need to dip it in oil. The oil's inbuilt.
Soaked in. Wonderful.
Really wonderful.

Speaker 1 I love a Fokacha sandwich, I just think. Yeah.
Oh. Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Something's just happened.

Speaker 1 Like, if you have a Fokachi sandwich and it's got something a bit saucy in it, and then the sauce goes into the sponginess of

Speaker 1 the bread, but it will never go out the bottom because the oily crust catches it up.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of oil in Fokachi. You know how they discovered that, how they made that? No.
It was originally not an oil-based thing, and there was a big bottle of oil next to it.

Speaker 1 And someone thought the bottle was upside down, so they just fucked it up.

Speaker 1 Yes, it absolutely drew us all in there. We all all got drawn into that.

Speaker 1 Even I was like, Ed's got a little fucked about for catching here, but it wasn't. It was another slab because

Speaker 1 you dumped water all over the desk. Tell me what the food is that will get me chucked out of this fucking restaurant.
And I'm saying it.

Speaker 1 You know, when someone like pushes the king over in chess, I'm doing that. I'm walking.
You flip the king upside down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Water comes out the bottom. Yeah, I fucking get the joke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Poor potter king.

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Speaker 1 So your dream starter. Are we going on two different menus now? Yeah, we're going on to the two different menus.

Speaker 1 By the way, I think Chloe is one of my most excited-looking guests to get stuck into the menu. Oh, yeah.
Well,

Speaker 1 when I saw you, I think live and in real time, remember for catch a sandwich.

Speaker 1 I've never seen someone so excited on this podcast. It was like I came a little pat of butter.
Yeah, yeah, it was lovely.

Speaker 1 I think we go for the vegetarian one first because I'm a little bit more than a million. The girlfriend.

Speaker 1 It's not necessarily completely vegetarian as well.

Speaker 1 There will be some non-met vegetables. But your girlfriend won't leave you for whatever's on this menu.
She won't. No.
She's not going.

Speaker 1 So I'm opening with brochetta. Great.
Bread. But more bread, yeah.
More bread. Which is why I need more bread.
More bread, please.

Speaker 1 Infinite bread, please. Sorry, occasionally we will slip into doing that voice.
Now, what's that voice? That's a voice we exclusively talk to each other like on tour.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, because I didn't know what was going on there. No, no, that's that's what happens.
Didn't like it, felt like that.

Speaker 1 Because normally what will happen is we'll pull up, me and my tour manager will pull up at the tube stop where we pick Chloe up from. I wind down the window and go, Hello! And Chloe goes, Hello!

Speaker 1 It gets in the back of the car, and then we don't stop talking like that for the for the rest of the leg. And your tour manager deals well with that? Yeah, he joins in.
Yeah, he joins in.

Speaker 1 we call it we call him linda oh yeah linda because he likes to eat at bills

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 the other day he said

Speaker 1 like his his announcement when i got into the car was first thing not even how are you the other day i did panic and i went for dinner at alas iguanas

Speaker 1 and um

Speaker 1 by himself by himself and yeah he had for heaters

Speaker 1 which it just every detail just feels more tragic

Speaker 1 and he has like such a sort of low embarrassment threshold so he just sort of goes bright red at even recalling the notion of eating for heaters his ears went a bit red yeah because everyone spotted him because they're quite an attention grabbing food yeah they are the sizzling and the noise you don't order that on your own that guy's by himself so it's like it's like the meals going this guy's by himself

Speaker 1 crying onto the hot plates

Speaker 1 oh poor paul every time he gets mentioned on this it's in the negative food context. Yeah.
And then he gets all his friends texting him going, what do you mean you've never had a prawn?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's not very adventurous, is he? He just loves an omelette.

Speaker 1 He loves an omelette. He loves an omelette.
Well, what was I saying? Bruschetta. Oh, bruschetta.
Bruschetta on the girlfriend menu.

Speaker 1 So I actually, this is pretty similar to everything that I ate at Aputea, this place in Ortizia in Sicily.

Speaker 1 And I'm sort of worried that I'm not that well travelled, so I haven't like eaten in very many different places.

Speaker 1 And I'm kind of worried that I've like got to the first good place and been like, this is the best thing. And there's like a whole bunch of things.
Well, that's fine. You know what you know, right?

Speaker 1 It's valid. Yeah.
And I found this just so amazing. But what I would say is their bruschetta, they had like this amazing fish bruschetta, which was great.

Speaker 1 But what I would take is their bruschetta and just elevate some. So I would just have like a really...

Speaker 1 amazing like fresh bread that's again got that crispy outside but is like sort of soft and spongy in the middle not hotel duvan cake bread yeah which is my favorite shit bread okay yeah chloe's obsessed with the bread at hotel duvan because it's so it's got such high sugar content in the hit it just tastes like cake so bruschetta with just tomato is it tomato and is there onion on it no not onion just the tomato just like really fresh tomatoes that have been like recently warmed by the sun oh yeah okay because you just pop a tomato in the sun and for 20 minutes immediately it like is elevated to the next level.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you don't want fridge-holded tomatoes, do you? Flaky salt. Flaky salt.
Basil pepper.

Speaker 1 I'm not bound to the idea of basil pepper. That's a deal-breaker for me of a bruschetta.
Yeah, I'll want some basil on. I want some fresh basil on them.
Yeah. I think I'd take the pepper.

Speaker 1 I'd like to be green on the but what I'd do is I'd eat all the basil in the first half of the bruschetta and then just be freewheeling after that. Why would you do that?

Speaker 1 Get the green out of the way. Oh, so you do that, do you? Even if it's tasty green.
Get the green out of the way. You've got to get the green out the way.
You've seen me here, Lando.

Speaker 1 It's just net net that broccoli and then go into a bird. I've got to get the brock, actually.
Yeah. It's got better, the brock

Speaker 1 at Nando's. It's good.
The brock at Nando's. It used to be a bit too perfumed for my liking.
I didn't know why.

Speaker 1 It tasted like it had perfume on it.

Speaker 1 Like a sort of Christian deal. Yep.
And I was like, what's this? What's what they put on this brock that's making it taste like that? But now it's a lot nicer. It's good.
It's garlicky. It's tasty.

Speaker 1 They cook it well.

Speaker 1 I regularly go double brock.

Speaker 1 I go brock and the grains, the butternut squash. Oh, yeah, I do that sometimes as well.
I've overdone it on that. I just can't anymore.
I've started on the sweet corn recently, wonderful. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A little pat of butter, rub it all over.

Speaker 1 Massage. Chloe pants back in business.

Speaker 1 Chloe pants back on tower. So we've got Bruschetta on the girlfriend menu.
Yeah. What's this other menu? What's on the ghost menu?

Speaker 1 Full fry up.

Speaker 1 Clearly more excited about one than the other. Yeah.
Oh, full fry up.

Speaker 1 I just want like a never-ending carousel of meat. Like, you know, like Yo Sushi.
Yeah. I want that, but with like a full cow on it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fucking all the different parts or just one full cow on the Yo Sushi belt just going round and round and round.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So it's going to be a meaty menu.
It's going to be full meat. And I also in the dream restaurant, I would like there to be no ethical implications of the meat.
Okay. They're imaginary animals.

Speaker 1 Yeah. There's no harm.
in the world. Maybe they're like really evil animals that deserve to die.
Okay, interesting.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so like dictators, sort of dictators or yeah, like uh like if it was if you're having i don't know if lion is on your menu but it would be scar yeah you're eating scar yeah

Speaker 1 yeah like chairman cow that's what

Speaker 1 chairman cow there you go what's the starter though oh a big fry up a full fry up full fry up so the so the cow and the conveyor belt is for later no like i'm getting this i'm getting the the like oh i'm not getting anything for the fry up out of him a pig as well there'll be he'll have a pig friend who's you know

Speaker 1 the Himmler to his

Speaker 1 Hitler you know yeah and uh yeah so I'll be getting meat out of them and then I'll have like it maybe it'll be like a mini fry up because it's a starter sure and it will be some scrambled eggs and beans um not in a ramekin yeah sausage bacon hash browns maybe a tatty scon mushrooms tomato not because I want it but just like I eat it and then feel like the rest of the fry up is a reward yeah yeah out in the sun for a bit this morning

Speaker 1 Yeah, cooked by the sun. Yeah.
Difficult to keep this mini, I'd say, starter-size, because you've got a lot of elements on there. I guess it's all relative.

Speaker 1 So if your main course is like even more ginormous, then this is the sun.

Speaker 1 Fried bread? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Fried bread.

Speaker 1 I love fried bread. Yeah, it's good stuff.
It's good. Yeah,

Speaker 1 and not always on a fry up these days. It's nice to see it on there.
Any other elements on a fry up? Black pudding.

Speaker 1 Oh, black pudding, yeah. And white pudding.

Speaker 1 But I'm not having much more than that. A fried mushroom.

Speaker 1 And that's about it for me, I'd say. It's all fried.
Yeah, it is all fried. I would have

Speaker 1 scrambled egg each time.

Speaker 1 I like the scrambled eggs. Well, then you then, are you willing to live with the fact every other ingredient has to be scrambled? Yeah.
Scrambled breakfast for me, please.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Scrambled sausage.
Scrambled bacon, scrambled sausage. Oh, it sounds great.
That should be quite nice. I guess you're basically then chopping everything up really fine and sort of.

Speaker 1 It would all be in one big hash, really, wouldn't it? Yeah, one big hash. yeah, big hash breakie, big hash.
I mean, I'm hash brownie is my favorite part of a fried breakfast.

Speaker 1 So, if it was all hash, I'm delighted. So, I mean, this is a great, a great idea for a starter.
Thank you. You're really getting in a lot of fantastic elements, early doors.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I think because it's breakfast, that's the starter of the day. Yes, oh, that's really profound.
Thank you. So, you're almost taking us through a full day in one meal.
Oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah. Oh, I hadn't even thought of that.

Speaker 1 Let's move on to your main course. Main on the Girl From Real menu

Speaker 1 is this dish from Aputea in Sicily, which I think is one of the best things I've ever eaten. And I went back for it three times over the course of the holiday.

Speaker 1 Did everyone else go into this place? Just you? Yeah, just me in there with Mebola pasta. But what's good is that I was on holiday with

Speaker 1 like lots of very small women. So I had both my pasta and then half of their pasta to finish as well.
How small are we talking? The women? Yeah. Borrower.

Speaker 1 Borrower, size. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It's cheaper to get an Airbnb that way.
Yeah, because they can all sleep in the kitchen drawers and stuff.

Speaker 1 Do you sleep with the forks? They make me my little mini fryer. Do you know what the second B stands for? Because you don't actually get breakfast at everyone complains.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Airbnb, well you get the bed, but not for the breakfast airbed and borrower yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 airbed and borrower anyway so yeah i had so much of this pasta it's amazing and uh oh yeah that was the day that um the day that i took them all back because my friends like

Speaker 1 met up with us the second site half the holiday and i was like you've got to come back to this restaurant i absolutely love it it's the best thing i've eaten while i'm here and then i ate all of my pasta and then like probably half another portion of pasta and then i went to try and get ice cream and I wanted Nutella ice cream but I didn't understand the Italian language and it was Nutella Freda which basically just means cold Nutella so they just gave me a pot of frozen Nutella that's on a menu that that was at a separate place so then I obviously ate that and then I had to lie down for three hours I was sick

Speaker 1 But anyway, this pasta, you'll understand why I was sick because it was so rich. And it was just like this amazing pasta.
I'm not sure the shape, but it's basically like kind of a bit squiggly. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I know the squiggles. It's a frilly pasta about an inch long.

Speaker 1 Frilly pasta about an inch long. Yeah.
Cooked like perfectly sort of al dente with a pistachio pesto, which is like a Sicilian speciality. They grow a lot of pistachio with cream and shrimp.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Tiny little shrimps.
And it sort of decre the amount of shrimp that I I got like decreased the three times I was there maybe. Because they saw you coming.
The chef was like,

Speaker 1 hide the shrimp. She's in again.

Speaker 1 The massive one's in again. She's going to eat it anyway.
Take all the shrimp out. She's just had a pot on her television.
She's here for more. We've heard her being sick.
She's ready to go again.

Speaker 1 She's brought the tiny women.

Speaker 1 And the borrower's sticking out of her top pocket. She's going to order two portions and pretend one's for the borrower.
One's for my friend. I love the idea of the pistachio pasto.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've never had that. Me neither.
You can imagine that, oh, the crunch of the pistachio. Oh, so good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But we bought some and then just like had a little lick of it. It definitely needs to be like diluted by something.
Please, Chloe, don't just start having everything out of jars.

Speaker 1 If all your food is just pesto, Nutella, whatever thing you just go, give me a jar and I'll just eat that. Get the jar in the freezer and then I'll

Speaker 1 crack it.

Speaker 1 Have the pasta. Don't just eat it out of the jar.
Yeah, with the cream is what I mean. It does sound so rich.
It's so rich. How big's the bowl? Is it a massive portion?

Speaker 1 You look at it and go, I could do two of them. Yeah.
And then you're through one and go, I can only do half of my mates. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's one of those situations. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you're not fully defeated. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's huge, though. And yeah, on that first day, like the amount of shrimp just kept coming.
It was so good. Yeah, that does sound delicious.

Speaker 1 So look, we need to hear the ghost menu, but I'm very on board with the girlfriend menu. So far, I'd have that menu.
Yeah, interesting.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think in dream in terms of just dream, what it and there's no sort of capacity to the stomach, I'd probably have a fry up. Okay.
To start. Let's see if the main course swings in.

Speaker 1 So the main course of the ghost menu is all of the barbecue food you could possibly imagine. Definitely got your head on board.
Yeah, I mean, this was...

Speaker 1 very close to my main on my dream menu episode 100. So talk us through it, Chloe, please.
Big brisket.

Speaker 1 All of my Instagram algorithm alternates between a man cutting a brisket and then harry styles doing a concert yeah imagine what would you do if harry styles cut some brisket come everywhere

Speaker 1 don't cut that

Speaker 1 no one's cutting it i i can't yeah anyway brisket

Speaker 1 ribs pork and beef yeah you got to double up on the ribs burnt ends oh yeah turkey again it's the tomato I'm eating it quick just to think. Yeah.
Got a bit of healthy white.

Speaker 1 It's the tomato of the meat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And is it like a big turkey leg breast? No, it's like sliced breast that has been like really slow cooked and is like... Juicy.
Yeah, extraordinarily.

Speaker 1 How have they made a turkey? You can see the smoke. The smoke running around the outside of it.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I have like a I feel like I've got like a real like food empathy thing where like you can even describe food and I like I'm I feel so satisfied. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I think that's why I watch, you know, Mike Chen, the YouTuber. I love Mike Chen.
I don't know this guy. So he's just like this guy that goes around just eating delicious food and reviewing it.

Speaker 1 And he's so like positive. And just...
What's the name of his YouTube channel again?

Speaker 1 Strictly Dumpling. Strictly Dumpling.

Speaker 1 It's really good. And I just love how enthusiastic he is about the food.
He can eat that guy. Yeah.
He does a lot of buffets as well. We talk about buffets a lot on tour as well.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I saw something happen there. Yeah, we mentioned buffets as a bit of a both went somewhere.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, it feels a little like, I don't know, a little illicit when I'm like, well, you described turkey leg to me in intense detail because it feels like I'm getting off on it and like I haven't asked for your consent to like get involved in that fantasy form.

Speaker 1 I mean, you've already said

Speaker 1 the thing about Harry Stell's cutting a brisket. You said you'd come everywhere.
So

Speaker 1 I think we knew what was going on.

Speaker 1 A nice sort of mustard sauce. So I'd come just for my little piece of beefy.
That's very nice. Thank you.
So is that is that so that's you've got turkey, ribs, beef and pork. Big tray of meaty.

Speaker 1 Big tray of meaty.

Speaker 1 Brisket. Any little barbecue sides?

Speaker 1 Well that would be my sides for the ghost. Okay right okay we'll move on.
Where's the best barbecue place you've been before we move on?

Speaker 1 So I'm not uh I haven't really eaten that much barbecue because I gained this obsession after I became vegetarian and I have like enough memories of that sort of meat to know how much I love it like anything essentially like slow cooked beef, the tip ye

Speaker 1 is just my ideal thing. Although, having said that, are we allowed to talk about your meat amnesty? Yeah, my constant meat amnesty.

Speaker 1 No, when we were doing a gig and there was a barbecue restaurant around the corner and we don't normally eat heavily before gigs, we went around there.

Speaker 1 Chloe had a meat amnesty and she felt horribly sick for the rest of the day. All of my stories ended me just feeling sick.
My best days are like, and then I then I chucked off.

Speaker 1 i was sick i do regret though because you had the beef rib yeah and i got the brisket yeah i think i should have got the rib yeah it was good it was nice i think beef brisket though is safe bet every barbecue place is going to be good beef rib some places that's the best thing on the menu some places if they don't do it well you you go idiot won't want it i'll just play it safe i massively disagree fair enough certainly about the brisket i think it that is an art i think you're actually you're not going to find many places in the whole of the UK that does actually good artists.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in the UK. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I guess if you're in like Texas, etc.

Speaker 1 Pecan Lodge. Shout out to Pecan Lodge.

Speaker 1 Is that the best place?

Speaker 1 I was in Dallas for three days. I went there for two other days.
Oh, sick. It was good.

Speaker 1 I think I'd like to, that's like my bucket list of like proper meat amnesty, go to Texas, have like proper barbecue. That's it.

Speaker 1 You'd be sick every day. I'd be so sick.
And I'd love it. Yeah.
This is the best.

Speaker 1 Back we go. Sometimes on the Instagram reel they'll like just put they'll just like put a brisket down and then just let it jiggle like a like a lady's bum.
And it's just so hot.

Speaker 1 Oh man.

Speaker 1 I just love it. Like a ladies bum.

Speaker 1 Like a ladies' bum. Oh, it's so good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I'd have. Am I missing any meats? I don't.

Speaker 1 I guess sometimes they have a really nice sausage. Yes, I'd love a...
You have had a sausage in the starter, though, I will say that. Yeah, I'm double-susaging.
Okay, you double sausage away.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna have one of those like jalapeno and cheddar

Speaker 1 sausages that like snap, like with an amazing snap. Snap, yeah.
I definitely have one of them. Yeah, and just let it jiggle like a man's dick.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 literally in my head.

Speaker 1 I was writing it in my head when I had said it. I was like, I'm gonna say, I watch YouTube videos where they lay a sausage down and they slap it and it jiggles like a man's dick.
Oh, he said it.

Speaker 1 He said it.

Speaker 1 Dream side dishes. Now, this is on the real menu, and I'm doing this because not because it's like my dream side dish, but because I think it really complements what else is going on.

Speaker 1 So, I'd have a salad, but like something with like a real crunch to it to like, because the pasta's quite, it is al dente, but it's

Speaker 1 there's a bit of a slop element to it, right? Sure. So, I think it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 And also, it's the same texture the whole time, right, with a bowl of pasta you need something to break it up with you want to break it up so i love like fennel oh oh no oh no you've really hit on something here oh no it's not the secret ingredient don't worry

Speaker 1 it has been in the past

Speaker 1 early doors

Speaker 1 this was like an early one yeah this was very early doors secret ingredient i feel very passionate about how much i don't like fennel although look i'll hold my hands up the two things i hate the most pomegranate seeds and fennel i have it if they're ever in a dish i will just eat them yeah i don't i don't make a fuss but i'd rather they didn't exist but you're but texturally that's the best thing that's to that's to scratch that itch that you need with a pasta yeah fennel's up there and i think it's got like quite like a real like satisfying aniseed taste no i don't know do you not like aniseed at all i don't see i don't either but i think raw fennel does have it's only a background note that's the thing yeah it's the only acceptable aniseed note that i would detect it in anything i'm almost like it's got fennel you're like a shark aren't you with aniseed instead of blood?

Speaker 1 It's got fennel in it. Yeah, straight away.

Speaker 1 Fennel. Fennel.
Miles away.

Speaker 1 What else do you want in this salad then? Well, I don't know if this is like technically right, like a complimentary favour, but like maybe some kind of like fruit, like orange?

Speaker 1 That's a that's a big combo, yeah. Fennel and orange.
I've had that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
And then what herb would go with that? With fennel tops, like I see that quite a lot.

Speaker 1 You know, the sort of like spiny little top of a fennel. Yeah.
I've seen that go with it. Or maybe a bit of dill.

Speaker 1 I don't like orange in salads either, but this is awful. Fucking on, mate.

Speaker 1 This has ruined the girlfriend menu for you.

Speaker 1 Is it that much of a deal breaker? I was fully go for menu all the way, even though I like the things on the other menu, but I was like, no, no, I want this government means that's delicious.

Speaker 1 Then you get to this abomination of a salad where you got fennel and fucking oranges in a salad together. It's a proper girlfriend menu thing, though.
Oh, we'll just get salad on the side.

Speaker 1 Love salad on the side. Should we just say

Speaker 1 yeah and then you look really like sophisticated and also like

Speaker 1 pouring my sparkling water over the floor. Should we just get a little fennel salad? I would accept apple in the salad.

Speaker 1 But this is the thing. I think it's quite like

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 the salad needs is crunch and then a bit of sweet and acidity. So look, you sub in whatever you want there, baby boy.
That is on you, okay?

Speaker 1 In my head, I imagine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it doesn't have to be fennel and orange but it has to be crunchy sweet acidic okay no i'm going to leave that with you all right first thing i'm doing is subbing the orange for the apple and then i'm figuring out what is going in place of the fennel but that's crunch and sweet you see so you've got some acid to play with yeah but you need a bit of vinegar in there right just a bottle of vinegar and some apple

Speaker 1 bite an apple swig the vinegar lovely job uh yeah really nice so you do you on that

Speaker 1 I'd happily have this salad that you've yeah yeah thank you but I'm mainly on on board with with the ghost menu so I'm looking forward to hearing what the ghost sides are.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want to hear these barbecue sides. Very conventional barbecue fare.
Cornbread, macaroni cheese.

Speaker 1 What is it? Collard greens? Collard greens. Collard greens.
All of the rest. Baked beans? We've heard what you think about baked beans already.
Nothing. You don't want the barbecue baked beans?

Speaker 1 What are the other ones? So cornbread, Mac and cheese. Yeah.
Collard greens. I mean, they're the

Speaker 1 biggins.

Speaker 1 Texas toast. Yeah, that's just toast, isn't it? Just thick toast.
Like garlicky.

Speaker 1 It's like garlic bread. You could have sweet potatoes or yams or something like that.
Not super interested in that, but maybe you'd need it to sort of break up the

Speaker 1 bit of sweet to break up the. What's grits? Would you have grits? I don't think you'd have it with barbecue, but it's from that part of the world, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Grits you'd have with like shrimp or something.

Speaker 1 I've had a barbecue place once that was doing frickles. Frickles.
You've got to have frickle. A fried pickle.
Yes.

Speaker 1 It's like I've just done a riddle. God, I love a frickle.
Yeah, I'd have a frickle. Because imagine, oh, yeah, just a bit of that, like,

Speaker 1 really tender beef rib and then a little frickle chaser. Wow, it's sorting you right out, isn't it? How are you doing the frickles as well?

Speaker 1 Because I've had frickles before where they just like, it's the full pickle disc deep fried, or they cut it into like chips. Tiny chips.
Or they've sliced them like, you know.

Speaker 1 down ways so like gherkins little coin discs yeah that's what i want a disc a disc of frickle yeah they are the best because what you want is like the maximum amount of surface area to be covered in fries.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah.
And you can pop those in your mouth one at a time. Like a sweet it.
With the long strips. You're biting down.

Speaker 1 You're seeing it's hot because all the steam's coming out and it's a wet, it's a wet pickle. Yeah.
So when you throw it, it really is boiling. It's yeah, that's lava.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So much better just knock the thin slices back. And I think I might want something a little crunchy.
Like just a little pot of celery or something. A coleslaw? Yeah, I'll take coleslaw.

Speaker 1 Yeah, really nice. A really nice like.
Vinegar-based or mayo-based? I think usually I'd go mayo-based. Yeah.
Any day of the week for my coleslaw, but on this occasion, I think vinegar-based.

Speaker 1 Again, just to cut across the meat, the rich meat. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I like those sides a lot.
Yeah. I'd probably hop over to that menu for the sides.
You're welcome to. Come join.

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Speaker 1 Dream drink. Is Dream Drink the same for both meals? Yeah, I think so.
So again, like, the way that I'd be doing this meal is very specific.

Speaker 1 So it would sit in the like hinterland between lunch and dinner, right? That's where it's sitting.

Speaker 1 And the day before that, it's all building up to this big meal. Yeah.
Okay. And I think I am going to be in Italy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the best like setting of meal I've ever had was when I was 18. I just went to Italy for a month and like nannied this little girl.

Speaker 1 And they lived in Perugia and they all had these amazing houses with loads of land on them.

Speaker 1 And they'd go around like the mum and dad would sort of go round the friends most evenings and just like have a meal on these amazing houses just outside on this amazing land and because they all spoke Italian it was quite good for me because I couldn't understand anything that they were saying so I could just really focus on the task in front of me which was eating as much food as I possibly could and then being sick

Speaker 1 um so I'd I the setting would definitely be Italy but it would be with my friends but friends that are happy for me like not to talk when I just need to focus on the food.

Speaker 1 But the morning would be I'd have like a sort of breakfast just to sort of fill me up a little bit, go for a long run, which is sort of like life's tomato, right?

Speaker 1 It's the thing that I need to get out of the way so I get the reward at the end of it. So basically, I'm just like spending my whole day just like edging myself towards this massive meal, right?

Speaker 1 So I'm going on this huge run.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I might not have lunch, but I might have some like little crispies just to

Speaker 1 get really excited. Yeah, get the tingles going.
Get the tingles going. Make sure I'm full enough that I don't get sick before the meal.
Yeah. And then this is...

Speaker 1 I mean, it all sticks with the edging thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, it's really good. Let's not forget you use that phrase.

Speaker 1 Just teasing myself. I know we didn't comment on it, but

Speaker 1 we all understood it. I think I wrote it down.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Food edging.
Yeah. Yeah, food edging.
Fedging.

Speaker 1 Fedging. Sounds dirtier than

Speaker 1 edging does, yeah. But I think what you need to understand is that everything that I've described to you is an erotic experience.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember the brisket, like the ladies' bottom? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You came on a focacher earlier. I know it wasn't a foca.

Speaker 1 It's because of Harry Starles. But if you came on a forkache, it wouldn't pull out the bottom, at least.

Speaker 1 It's really good. So you're fedging? So I'm veging, and I'm really hungry.
And then what I do is I get myself a pint of delicious pale ale.

Speaker 1 I drink it on a semi-empty stomach.

Speaker 1 So by the time I'm ready to sit down and eat this meal, I'm a little bit tipsy you got a buzz on i've got a buzz on and it's like eating uh eating drunk food yeah drunk food is your favorite food just tipsy food yeah if you're a little bit tipsy yeah yeah over the first lockdown i'd sit down 515

Speaker 1 have a pint with pointless

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 pointless wasn't pointless with you was it

Speaker 1 beautiful beautiful thank you

Speaker 1 you're really

Speaker 1 really doing quite well did you pop your hand out for a high five there no no i gestured towards him so that you would appreciate the master master

Speaker 1 pointless wasn't pointless pointless wasn't pointless

Speaker 1 that's why that's why he's the headliner

Speaker 1 look and learn six six thirty because i've had that

Speaker 1 uh pointless pint yeah on an empty stomach i'm i'm loving dinner whatever it is do you think that's because so i think for me if i'm drunk or tipsy and i'm eating it just takes away that constant voice in my head that is saying you shouldn't be eating this yeah huh interesting so then it's great There's an element of that with me.

Speaker 1 But like adios, not listening to you anymore. Now I'm going to enjoy this whole bar of chocolate only.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's where we part ways. I would be eating a dinner rather than a

Speaker 1 get drunk and eat a whole bar of chocolate only. Hmm.
Someone's wasting alcohol there. I think that's a waste of booze.

Speaker 1 When I'm hungover, I do that. That's why I quite like a hungover meal.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Towards the end of a hungover day, where the majority of the hangover has dissipated, but what remains is that absolute raging hunger.

Speaker 1 And then I'm like, it's pizza time, baby.

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah it's pizza time and I'm putting that all away yeah one just post it in feels like medicine then yeah really good medicine really good well I you see I don't get the voice while I'm eating I get the voice immediately after I've eaten going off why did I do that yeah yeah but again that voice isn't there if I'm if I'm hammered that's the thing yeah but I don't know there's something about the way that my taste buds work when I'm a bit drunk

Speaker 1 all of me's feeling a little buzz so maybe they're just flapping around a bit different being they're a bit woozy last night perfect example of it. Went to a concert with James.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We didn't have time to go for food before. Had a couple of beers at the gig.
Got back home. I thought, I'm not going to order a takeaway because then I'll do real damage.

Speaker 1 Just a tiny, tiny little bit tipsy. Made bacon and eggs.

Speaker 1 It felt good.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It felt good. Bacon and eggs straight to bed.
That's really great. What a night.
I got in,

Speaker 1 opened my fridge, saw the chocolate lonely,

Speaker 1 said, nah, not tonight. Not tonight.
Went to sleep. Weren't drunk enough.

Speaker 1 Weren't drunk enough, and it was the dark chocolate and lemony one that I was trying out for the first time. And I like it, but I've got to be in the mood.

Speaker 1 So you didn't have dinner. You had a couple of pints like dinner.
Yeah. You must be feeling...
Have you had breakfast this morning? No. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 So the last time you ate was when we had lunch yesterday. Farmer James Finsbury yesterday for lunch.
James, you need to eat something nice. Oh, I do.
That's my stomach's going absolutely.

Speaker 1 Well, let's fucking hurry up. Jesus Christ, we've got to get you fed yeah yeah so

Speaker 1 so dream drink is a pale ale pale ale before to maybe like 45 minutes before i'm going at that and i'm reading my book do you want to watch pointless as well um

Speaker 1 no no no i'm not bound to how you're feeling about the new sidekicks on pointless absolutely dreadful really poor like yeah ruined ruined the show yeah yeah yeah i'd uh agreed someone's cooking for me i'm reading my book i'm watching the football maybe i'm dozing you know just getting really ready for it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 A bit more edgy. And then throughout the meal, I'd have a big delicious glass of red wine, but I want to know that any drink is available to me.
Yeah. Any alcoholic beverage.

Speaker 1 So if I want an Apple Spritz, I could have it. If I want an espresso martini, I could have it.
If I want a gin and tonic, I could have it. But primarily, I'm going for a lovely glass of red wine.

Speaker 1 So you are having a red wine, but you need the promise that if suddenly you change your mind, you could have something different. Yeah.
Any particular sort of red wine?

Speaker 1 No, I'd let someone like you who knows about red wine choose it. I know a little bit.

Speaker 1 But like, you know more than I do. And I would trust you to make like a decent decision.
Yeah, it depends. Obviously, I think the red wine would change based on which menu we're

Speaker 1 going with. Making a toast with your red wine? Yeah, alright.
Raising a toast. Wait, what were you saying? This is a new format point that James occasionally remembers to bring in.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, I've probably done. I think I've remembered it every time I brought it in, so.

Speaker 1 No? Are you going to raise a toast? Yeah. And I do

Speaker 1 the toast from that song in Hamilton where they're like, to the the broad, to the broad,

Speaker 1 and then I do the whole performance of Hamilton. Yeah, edge myself a bit further, and then I have the meal.
But would you do the whole would you do it from that? From that point, yeah.

Speaker 1 If it's Hamilton edging you as well, yeah, that's what, yeah, okay, yeah, to the revolution, and you can make it about your menu, yeah, yeah, really nice, yeah, yeah, instead. To the brisket, yeah,

Speaker 1 to the brisket

Speaker 1 Now I'm trying to think of like puns to put in like Hamilton songs. Yeah.
Now going away, smart.

Speaker 1 What food? As chops?

Speaker 1 I'm not throwing away my chops. Yeah, yeah, okay.
I'm not throwing away my chops. I'm not throwing away my chops.
Yeah, brilliant.

Speaker 1 Still keeping on young scrappy and hungry or whatever. Yeah, keep that.
Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 1 I want to be in the room where it happens.

Speaker 1 Kitchen.

Speaker 1 Brackets, the kitchen.

Speaker 1 we're at your dessert we shouldn't uh put this off even though i know apparently i'm not gonna like it but there are two desserts or is there just one dessert i don't think you're not gonna like it i just think it doesn't for the ghost menu it doesn't fit the narrative of like breakfast lunch dinner okay because i'm going back to because i want it to be all meat I think I'm just going to have pancakes, bacon and maple syrup.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 To end. Okay.

Speaker 1 But I also thought when you were talking about Universal and Disneyland, one of the favourite things I've ever eaten when I was a child, and I didn't know what it was until quite recently and remembered that sort of Google existed and I could find out what it was.

Speaker 1 Funnel cake. Right.

Speaker 1 I don't think I've ever had a funnel cake. I've never had it.

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 Okay. We've watched Deep Fried Masters.
We know Deep Fried Masters. This is why I'm sitting there.

Speaker 1 I've never seen Deep Fried Masters, but it sounds right on the bottom. Honestly, I cannot, but we might have to watch that.
I love Deep Fried Masters.

Speaker 1 It's what it sounds like. It's a cooking competition.
Three Deep Fried Masters going against each other.

Speaker 1 And each round is like, deep fry this, make us something that we could sell on the midway, the whole thing. Funnel cakes was obviously a big part of that show.
Yeah. Is funnel cake just cake batter

Speaker 1 directly into a fryer and that's it? Yeah, they funnel it in until it's like

Speaker 1 it's all squiggly, like a squiggly pat, basically, right? Yeah, like a mass of

Speaker 1 fried dough. Yeah.
Oh, it's so good. And then they pour, put powdered sugar over it.
Yeah, it's crazy. You can have syrup.
It was just transformative when I was a child. It was so wonderful.

Speaker 1 And I've always sort of tried to hit that high ever since, but could never. I also think like I'd be too inhibited now to do it.

Speaker 1 Like I think I would have that voice going like, you're just eating fried dough. You're just eating fried dough.

Speaker 1 I think my problem with it is that I think like I would like that with other, like as a element of a dessert.

Speaker 1 If it was my ice cream sundae that had some fried dough in it.

Speaker 1 Oh yeah, great fun but when i see the actual funnel cakes i'm like that can't be the that's not the thing is it there was something at disney ball which is like a a pineapple upside down funnel cake kind of thing oh my god and that looked great and i didn't get it and i kind of regret it i'll tell you what i don't like about it

Speaker 1 the mechanism of squeezing is like it's like they're doing toothpaste or someone's squeezing a big spot it's weird the long sort of thin thing like draping it into the basket but you're very much into the like you don't know what i mean yeah you don't have to see or think about that like you don't you you haven't forced i mean it looks like because it comes out and then it looks like mr messi no but but i've told you i wanted to fork out you weren't going i don't like the thought of it getting shot through the head do you know i don't mind that you love that okay you love that yeah yeah obviously that is horrific but i know why i think that's horrific i can't quite put my finger on why i don't like them squid the them squiggling the dough into the basket and i think it's to do with dr pimple popper but i'm not quite i think i think there's a prime

Speaker 1 you know when have you seen dr pimple popper yeah i fucking love dr pimple popper when there's a real big one and it wiggles out like a snake out their face that's what funnel cake reminds me of but i i like the pimple popping too i actually had to get that out of my algorithms because i like it but i couldn't see it in tandem with the jiggling brisket it was just like too it was what would you say what would you do really dirty if a video popped up of harry styles cutting a brisket while popping a big spot on his face.

Speaker 1 And slapping a lady's bum.

Speaker 1 What if he slapped his spot and it jiggled like a lady's bum?

Speaker 1 I think I just,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I think I'll probably just go into like two hours of paralysis.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't think I'd, I think I'd just stop. Yeah, yeah, too much.
So, hold on. What's the dessert here?

Speaker 1 Is it funnel cake or is it pancakes and bacon and maple syrup?

Speaker 1 What do you think? Well, I don't like pancakes and bacon and maple syrup. I hate this bacon and maple syrup shit.
Sure. I don't like it.
What? I don't like the sweet and savoury thing together.

Speaker 1 I love the sweet and savory thing. I think it's absolutely wonderful.
I love sweet and savory together.

Speaker 1 I don't really... So my girlfriend always does.
That's her pancake order. Yeah.
It's always that. I can't quite get on board of it.
Oh, fucking hell.

Speaker 1 I had the best pancakes I've ever had the other day. Oh, shit.
Talk us through it. It's, oh, where's the, it's in Manchester.
And

Speaker 1 the pancakes were just the fluffiest. So on their own, they would have been the best pancakes.
Like, really fluffy, really flavoured.

Speaker 1 were they souffle pancakes i think so like it was kind of super massive they were big yeah but like really delicious and like flavorful and on them so they put a big knob of butter on there and then had had avocado oh no i'm out asparagus no i'm out oh no yeah yeah you really took it but you fucked it there because you took us down you took us down the sweet path yeah yeah yeah you didn't warn us that this was going to happen well this is the thing i i

Speaker 1 um poached eggs oh my god no if someone gave me hot avocado i'd fuck them up that day

Speaker 1 i know this sounds bad it was one of the nicest things i've ever it was so good something and gil

Speaker 1 Ezra and Gil in Manchester that those savoury pancakes you should have said savory pancakes first yeah you should have done that's that's that was your mistake there no no regrets poached eggs man oh no way it was so good okay can we go there next summer in Manchester yeah can we get pancakes after and there's there's plenty of sweet pancakes on that yeah nice as well I'd be having a two-course pancake meal french toast on there i think it's a good it's a good good place so yeah i think i'd probably stick with the the pancakes yeah yeah very crispy bacon to go with the the fluffiness of the pancakes unlimited maple syrup and then at the end of that meal what i like is we've employed paul the tour manager to just administer a me three rennies three rennies yeah yeah that's big days on tour when it's three rennie days

Speaker 1 we have three oh it's a three renny day yeah so that's a regular thing on tour yeah it's it's mainly Paul. He'll say, oh, it's a three-runny day.
It was a three-runny day. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Once he left his Rennies in the car and he had to make a dash to the car at 4am to grab his renies. Yeah, his Rennies.
God. Yeah.
Poor Paul.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wouldn't like to see that.

Speaker 1 Actually, he's Linda when he's getting the Rennies. Yeah, that's pure Linda.
So is this these bacon pancakes? Are they both menus? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to complete the sort of Italian theme and I'm going to go in with a Tiramasu. Very popular.
Very popular. Is it it really? Yeah, people love tiramisu.
It's got everything.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've said it before. I've never really been a fan of tiramisu.
I like it more these days. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've grown up a bit and now I like a tiramisu. I used to hate it and then I've grown to love it and just think, what was there to hate before? And I think it's probably because I like coffee now.

Speaker 1 But the way that that soaks into the sponge.

Speaker 1 The ladies' fingers.

Speaker 1 That's what they're called. That's what they're called.
Yeah, yeah. He wasn't doing an extension of the ladies' butt.
No. Jiggles like a lady's fingers.
Jiggles like a lady's fingers. Exactly.

Speaker 1 No, they are called ladies' fingers.

Speaker 1 The look on the face of a comic is just sort of blows of jokes she doesn't want to say.

Speaker 1 Don't want to talk about the ladies' fingers.

Speaker 1 Oh no.

Speaker 1 Ladies' fingers. I've gone into a state of paralysis.
Covered in cream. Some ladies' fingers covered in ladies' cream

Speaker 1 and ladies' coffee. And loads of chocolate on the top.
Yeah, yeah. Lots of chocolate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what I like is it's self-sourcing. You don't even need to add another sauce.

Speaker 1 Everything's there. Now chucking in phrases like self-sourcing.
Self-sourcing. As if that's...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's self-sourcing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't think it can be self-sourcing, can it? I mean, it doesn't. It doesn't self-source.
It doesn't produce itself. It's not like meat that produces juice that kind of like mixes itself or whatever.

Speaker 1 This is like... a dessert that's in the middle of it.
You put it together, you've put the stuff on it.

Speaker 1 You put the sauce in there.

Speaker 1 The ladies, my ladies' fingers, the sauce. Self-sourced.
Self-sourced the ladies' fingers. Well, no, I just think it's all there.
Like, you don't need to...

Speaker 1 Another pudding, you might need to pour some cream over. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, but it's not self-sourcing. It's just like it's all encased.
It's all

Speaker 1 creamy. It's a complete dessert.
Really shut down the whimsy there, boys. Very unlike you.
Yeah, sorry, sorry. I don't think it was whimsy.
I think you were being an absolute full pervert.

Speaker 1 I don't think there was any whimsy involved in that whatsoever, Chloe Pets.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Chloe Pats.

Speaker 1 My girlfriend made me a tiramisu cake for for my last birthday. It was like all of the elements of tiramisu but like a bit sort of more solid.

Speaker 1 It was honestly fantastic. And she's vegetarian?

Speaker 1 She doesn't eat loads of meat, but she will eat like a bread. But she would leave you.

Speaker 1 This is why I'm asking. Because she would leave you for one of these menus, and it sounds like she's not even that much of a veggie.
It's not the meat that she objects to. It's like...

Speaker 1 The relationship's on the rocks anyway, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's my opinion. And I think you're tipping over the edge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, I think it's just like the the piles of beige.
Like, I just think she thinks it's so on, like, it's just so unrefined. And, like,

Speaker 1 also, you'd go to town on that second menu, right? It'd be gross by the end because there's a lot of like, smash it in your face. Yeah, the toilet trip after it would be

Speaker 1 divorceable. Yeah, I mean.
You're not even married. Yeah, that's the thing.
That's how bad it would be. I'd be like, we're getting married right now so I can divorce you.

Speaker 1 We've been in the toilet so long, we go for a lifetime. Marriage, divorce.

Speaker 1 So you think you'd be in the toilet so long we'd have to live our life that she would stand by the locked toilet door and someone would come and marry you

Speaker 1 your families would have to come and stand in the toilet while you're going so sorry about this guys

Speaker 1 i do

Speaker 1 yeah that's right and then the lawyer would be straight in you're divorced

Speaker 1 oh no i'm gonna get my life back together

Speaker 1 i'm trying to pick Bruschetta.

Speaker 1 It's hard, isn't it, to write comedy when the funniest thing in the world is someone panicking on a toilet. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How are we meant to do this? Not really. Outside of it.
The whole job is just trying not to write that routine. I'm going to read you both your menus back now.
See how you feel about them.

Speaker 1 Water, sparkling water, both menus. Pophum's are bread.
You want sourdough for catcher. Guinness bread from Pophams, Jolene, with loads of pats.
Where was the Guinness bread from? Cafe Cecilia.

Speaker 1 Cafe Cecilia. Starter, golfing menu, brochetta.
Ghost menu, a full mini fry-up. It did not sound very mini when you began.

Speaker 1 Main course, golfing menu, pasta with pistachio, pesto, cream, and shrimp from

Speaker 1 ghost menu, a big load of barbecue food. We've got all the meats on there.
It's looking very nice. Side dish, golfing menu, salad with fennel, orange, and dill.
The worst thing on the meat.

Speaker 1 Ghost menu, cornbread, mac and cheese, collared greens, Texas toast, frickle, coleslaw, vinegar-based. Drink, pint of pale ale on an empty stomach, then a glass of red wine to the groom to the groom.

Speaker 1 Dessert. Government menu to a masseu, ghost menu, pancakes with bacon and maple syrup.
And then Paul goes to the car at four in the morning and gets free rennies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 both good menus. Both work.
I want to dip in and out, you know? Well, I mean, you can't.

Speaker 1 I want to try that pasta. That's the thing I want to try most.
That's really good. I would say one of those menu lasts a day.
Yeah. And one of them is like a little evening.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, with some friends. Yeah.
I'm picturing, you know,

Speaker 1 that you ate outside in Italy. That's what I'm picturing in my head.
Nighttime outside. Yeah, we did some nighttime outside each jobs.
Yeah. I'm imagining like a bower of

Speaker 1 Helen Bauer. I'm imagining Helen Bauer.
Yeah. Suddenly this meal got a lot less relaxing.

Speaker 1 See, I know why that's the girlfriend menu and then the other one is not the girlfriend menu because if I ate that ghost menu, I couldn't even look at my wife, let alone kiss her. The shame.

Speaker 1 The shame. Yeah.
There's no way after that menu anything's happening other than I'm going straight to the toilet. Yeah.
And marrying Charlie again and then divorcing her. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But no, there ain't no funny business happening after that menu, I tell you. I'd roll onto my front, my stomach would flip me back onto my back.

Speaker 1 You come in and go, can you call the plumber off? Crack the toilet. Yeah, crack the toilet.
Get the window open because I'm absolutely flooding this house with farts.

Speaker 1 In fact, I'd have to sleep upstairs after that one. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'd have to go in the spare room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, just a constant stream. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or the hair fall off a cat.

Speaker 1 Chloe, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant. Thanks for having me.
Chloe.

Speaker 1 There we are. Wonderful chat with the wonderful Chloe Pets.
Thank you, Chloe. Chloe Pats.
Chloe Pats, as she will be forever known now. Thank you very much for coming on the show, Chloe.
Two menus.

Speaker 1 It was a twofer. Even more chance of saying the secret ingredient, especially because one of them was so meat,

Speaker 1 not even focused, like just obsessed. It was meat obsessed.
So I thought, crack thing's going to come up soon. There was not even any pulled pork on the barbecue platter, so she steered around that.

Speaker 1 There were pork ribs. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then the older pork scratchings did not come up very luckily hairy or otherwise which means uh that we can tell you that chloe's on tour doing her brilliant show transients which i saw at the edinburgh festival it had already toured before edinburgh uh due to popular demand yeah she's back on tour in january starting at the soho theatre uh but check out chloe on socials and check out her website for more details of that see if she's coming to a town near you with transients yes you will not regret it you will fantastic show fantastic comic and thank you chloe for coming to the Dream Vesta.

Speaker 1 I've got four more days left on my tour if you're listening to this when it comes out. If you're listening to this and you're in Barnstable, please come along.
I think there's some tickets available.

Speaker 1 Also, the final three might have some tickets left.

Speaker 1 Bath Forum,

Speaker 1 Coventry Warwick Art Centre, and Birmingham Alexandra Theatre is the final date of the tour. Do come along if you want to see me and pets.
Ah, the double whammy. The double cremir.

Speaker 1 And of course, you can hear my voice on the scroll Nutkin audiobook. Yes, the James the Giant Peach audiobook.
And on my own audiobook, James A.

Speaker 1 Cass's Guide to Quitting Social Media, Being the Best You Can Be, and Saving Yourself from Loneliness, Volume 1. And of course, the great thing about audiobooks, they never sell out.

Speaker 1 They never sell out. You can get all...
If you've liked listening to my voice on the off-menu podcast, but not seeing me, then why not check out my many audiobooks? If you're like,

Speaker 1 I like James's voice, but I don't like when he's himself,

Speaker 1 do check out Squirrel Nutkin. Do check out Squirrel Nutkin, because in that I'm a squirrel.
Yes. We will be back next week with the final episode of the series.
Titan.

Speaker 1 Final episode of series eight, James. I think we've done little clues in this Chloe Pett's episode about who that might be next week as well.
Unless Benita has edited out the clues.

Speaker 1 In which case, you'll have to try and determine. Listen to the episode again.
Yeah. Think about what you think's been cut out.
Yeah. And then from that, you've got to get clues from it.

Speaker 1 Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you next week.
Bye-bye. Goodbye.

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Speaker 39 Hello, I'm Lucy Beaumont.

Speaker 1 And I'm Sam Campbell, as a matter of fact.

Speaker 40 Perfect Brains is one of the most enchanting podcasts. The effect it has on people is astounding.

Speaker 39 That is what we've heard, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 40 This changes people's lives.

Speaker 39 If you had to sum it up, how would you sum it up?

Speaker 40 An in-depth look at sumo wrestling and the scandals, because it used to be considered so honourable, like sumos and they all live together, sumos.

Speaker 39 No two podcasts are the same. Do you remember that one where I just messaged loads of Derek's? I don't think people know that.

Speaker 1 I emailed a hundred Derek. I don't think it was Derek's.
I thought it was Brian.

Speaker 40 Yeah, Lucy emailed every Brian on Facebook.

Speaker 39 Our podcast is out every Friday. It's really easy to remember.
It's like if you've got an office job, it's the first day you feel alive again.

Speaker 40 Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains, one of the hottest podcasts. People are going crazy for this podcast.

Speaker 39 Yeah, please give it a listen.

Speaker 40 We're loaded up on Buzzballs. We've got a Laboo Boo in both hands, and we are ready to screech.