Ep 171: Chloe Petts

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

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Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

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Hello and welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, Taking the Egg Whites of Chat, the Whiskey of Rude humor, and the sweet, sweet boys, the sugary syrup boys, putting them all in the cocktail shaker of the internet and shaker, shaker, shaker, shaker, shaker to form the frothiest and sourest podcast available.

Hello, James.

I'm a sugary sweet boy.

That's a sugary sweet boy.

That said, my name is James.

We own a dream restaurant.

I need lemon juice in it as well, because otherwise it's not sour.

Benito is the lemon juice, the sour, bitter old man.

Sour little producer, cutting out any mentions to him.

and this is off menu drink restaurant we invite a guest in we ask them their favor ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is chloe chloe petts chloe petts wonderful comedian my support act on tour yeah a lot of the time with of course anya magliano also uh supports me on tour and uh she's been on a previous episode yeah so

this is completes the set i believe completes the set chloe does most of them though sorry yeah sorry anya sorry Anya.

But a real treat to have Chloe coming on the Off-Menu podcast.

Because also, I know she likes her food.

I would not have a support actor who did not enjoy eating food.

It would be a disaster.

They'd be fired after one gig.

Main bit of criteria.

Genuinely, it would be a d real disappointment.

Yeah, I think it would ruin your tour, right?

If you were like, oh, where are we going to eat today?

And they went, not really bothered.

Although I've not been great eating-wise on tour.

I get worried about being too full before the gig.

Yeah.

And it's been a lot of dressing rooms.

I think Chloe's fed up of Nando's.

Yeah.

I can never get fed up of Nando's.

That's the thing.

I think,

I mean, my theory is

when it's your tour, you never get sick of Nando's.

If you're supporting someone on tour, you can get sick of Nando's pretty quick.

Oh, God, yeah.

I think it's something about how much you're putting into, yeah, you're putting on the show.

Yeah.

How important the show is to you that evening.

And I'm not saying it doesn't matter to tour supports.

They want to have a good one.

But not so much that...

But it's a gig, right?

Yeah.

Your name's not above the door.

Yeah.

I've done a lot of support.

I was eating all sorts of shit before I went on.

Yeah, doing whatever.

Now, Nando, I had to eat my Nando's, keep it clean, keep it healthy.

So I've got the energy for the show.

Yeah.

So many times on tour, you know, I think, not Nando's today.

Yeah.

And then as we're getting towards the city, I'm Googling and I'm going.

Paul, we're going to Nando.

We're going to Nando.

My tour manager is also called Paul.

Yeah, they're always called Paul.

It's a different Paul.

Tour managers, yeah.

Yeah.

Now, listen, Chloe Pets, one of the greats.

Yes.

I'll feel bad if we have to do this.

Yeah.

But there's a secret ingredient that if Chloe Pets mentions it,

we will have to kick her out the dream.

It's also going to be because we've got to go to South End after this.

Well, but also this episode, if Chloe says the secret ingredient, she'll be kicked off her tour.

Yeah.

That's the extra stipulation.

True.

Good luck, Anya.

And you're just going to have to get to the self-end pretty quickly, short notice.

And today, the secret ingredient for Chloe Pets is

hairy pork scratching.

Hairy pork scratchings, of course.

We talk about these on a future episode that's coming up with a mystery guest at Christmas.

Yes.

But it's really put us in mind of a hairy pork scratching.

Reminded us how much.

Look, pork scratchings in general, I like.

I want loads of them.

Yeah.

I don't like the soft ones.

Yeah.

I hate the ones with hairs on them.

Yeah, no, thank you.

Always reminds me of the Alan Partridge line as well.

Yeah.

Do you shave your crackling?

Think about that a lot.

So that's nice.

At least you get to be reminded of some nice comedy you enjoy.

Yeah, sure.

But it's disgusting, isn't it?

It's disgusting.

So if Chloe Pets does say pork scratchings, we will have to ask the follow-up question with a hair.

Because I imagine Chloe won't specify with a hair on it.

Has it got a hair on it?

We'll ask it.

If she says yes, sorry.

Bye-bye.

Tata.

Tata.

Tata from the tour.

Tata from the tour.

You're not doing the tour anymore and you have to return all the money you made from the tour.

Oh, is that part of the rule as well?

Yep.

If you get kicked off the tour, you have to return all the money that you make from the tour.

I mean, it's going to be tricky because Chloe spent it all on clothes on the day of the gigs.

Straight away.

Yep.

Well, I'm very much looking forward to this episode.

See, I'll see if there's any kind of in-jokes that come up that I'm not privy to.

You won't be part of them.

Good luck.

I'll just laugh along.

I'll pretend like I'm.

Yeah, you'll be a nice boy.

This is the off-menu menu of Chloe Pets.

Welcome Chloe to the dream restaurant.

Hello, thanks for having me.

You just turned a glass of water upside down.

A full glass of water.

Jeannie's not even bursting out the lamp today.

I've already burst out the lamp.

With great joy.

My one wish is for a tea towel.

Well, I will explain what happened in my brain there.

I walked in, I saw that you had two full glasses of water.

I assumed that Benito had come in, the water were like like turn because it's a dream restaurant I thought the glasses would be turned upside down a waiter would come over flip the glasses the other way pour me a little glass of water so I just assumed that I had to turn my own glass up the right way then pour it out um but it turns out it was full and I just poured it all over the electrical equipment literally picked up a full glass of water and upended it onto the table yeah you just poured it I mean a lot to break down in your explanation of what happened in your brain there you know this is a podcast studio right you know no we're in a dream

conceptual it's conceptual You thought there was a glass, an upside-down empty glass on the table.

The amount of times.

I would have to turn that telephone so I can put water in it.

Yeah.

Because that's how see-fu the water was.

It just looked like there wasn't any.

The amount of times that I've had to sit listening to this bloody podcast, hearing you justify to your guess that James is actually a real genie, I thought I'd come in and I'd buy into the concept.

Is that such a crime?

Well, okay, so we'll give you that.

You bought into the concept.

Even as you walked into the studio, you were like, I'm in a dream restaurant.

I'll just do what I would do in a a dream restaurant why in your dream restaurant are all the glasses upside down and empty as you come in

doesn't that happen sometimes

no no no it was a wonderful start i'm looking at this full glass of water i've got here and trying to even imagine in my head that that's an upside down empty glass no and i can't make it happen i can't do the

trick my brain for the listener that it's also the glass is a lot wider at the bottom and then goes narrower at the top it does it's not even a straight up and down glass so you can't can't even even if there wasn't a big hole in the top of that you couldn't imagine that it was upside down i'm trying to imagine it but also i just loved the i mean

seeing somebody pick up a glass a full glass of water and just fully upside down yeah and just dunk there's all the water all over that

and immediately straight up all the water oh no complete malfunction oh dear and then block it with your arms put it on did you think that that was a good like create an arm moat it did yeah i just put my arm in front of all the electrical equipment and created sort of a suction

like a vacuum of the table so that it wouldn't go under ed got a tea towel i did absolutely nothing yeah yeah well you were loving it i was laughing

it's a wonderful start it's a great start chloe but welcome to the dream restaurant the genie's out

there he is hello genie good to see you you were telling us beforehand that you uh you were sick

well yeah so i did a half marathon on sunday and then i sort of got into i think i get sort of quite a feast or famine mentality and i did it when i was a kid where if there was like you were at a party and there was a buffet yeah i go hard on the party rings i do know i do that now knee slides across the dance floor yeah

and then if you're not if you're not puking up when you get home then you haven't gone hard enough

right

party ring sick as well yeah and like

but sort of like a base of beige so there's a lot of cocktail sausages in there yeah yeah sometimes they'll sort of come out full and you'll see them like just bubble in the toilet path

a very visceral image there so so i sort of did the same thing after the half marathon where and in my brain i was like well i've burned a serious amount of calories here i've i've earned a big yeah i've earned a big roast so i had full roast

full apple pie and ice cream three pints got homesick all up yeah there was a cocktail sausage in there you went

from 1997

yeah i mean you look you went hard on the run you went equally as hard on the meal, which was potentially the mistake, I guess.

And also, I'm going to say this, Chloe.

I didn't say it at the time.

I saw the roast dinner that you had.

It didn't look very nice.

Oh, yeah.

No, it was, it was pretty bad.

From a pub?

If it was from a pub, it was from a Green King.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

That was the issue.

So it was an organised, it was the Royal Parks half marathon.

So we had to like book a pub.

And the only place that was left was this Green King.

It was a farce from start to finish.

I had to spend about 10 minutes explaining to the young man behind the counter what a breakfast tea was.

That was a debacle.

Who's this guy?

Also, why were you having a breakfast tea?

Catherine Bohart was having a breakfast tea.

Right, okay.

I was having

three punches.

Two Guinness and an echo.

A spectator at the marathon or involved?

Bohart was involved.

So Bohart also would run the marathon and she chose to celebrate with just a breakfast tea.

Just a simple breakfast tea.

No,

she had fish and chips, a glass of wine, a prosecco.

and a breakfast tea and a breakfast and then a breakfast tea change she drinks boha that's what we call her yeah i'll tell you what she was a bloody nightmare yeah

do you know what her attitude when she turned up on that morning of the half marathon her attitude stunk

and The way that she motivates herself is to be really negative.

Whereas I motivate myself by being really positive.

Yes.

You're a very positive person.

Well, that's a very nice thing for you to say.

Now,

she gets into that toilet queue and she starts MCing it like it's a gig.

All the ladies around her, she's having a chat with, and she's telling them how bad we are at running.

And I'm thinking, no, we're not.

We've trained very hard.

We've done a really good job here.

So that means that when she's sort of telling women that she and I as a duo are bad at running, that's essentially code for I'm good at running, but my massive friend next to me

is thick and fat, and she's going to roll around the Royal Parks.

I think you've read quite a lot into this.

No, no, no, I haven't because all of these women then flock around me and start giving me a pep talk of how great I'm going to be at the run.

And I'm standing there going, Yeah, I know,

I'm so fast.

I'm going to create a little tornado.

There's going to be a severe weather event in the Royal Parks High Barragon because I've been running so fast.

In the meantime, they're squirting your water bottle all over your shoes because you're trying to drink out the wrong end.

Just squeezing it.

Anyway, then around mile two, suddenly her attitude's wonderful.

And I was just, she was like, we can do this.

I was like, yeah, I've been saying this.

So

now you're the negative Nancy.

Yeah.

She's transferred it over to you.

So mile two, oh, we're doing really well.

Oh, fucking no, we're doing well.

Yeah, I've been saying it.

Yeah.

Did you run together for the whole thing?

Yeah, she had to stop for a wee at one point.

And I was like, I'm so sorry.

If I stop now, then I won't start again.

So I just sort of trotted on and then she caught up with me.

Nice.

Around nine miles, I physically hit, like, they talk about hitting the wall.

Like, it's like your brain hits a wall.

And I felt so profoundly depressed and existential.

And then I just had a little electrolyte tablet and was like, oh,

yeah.

Powered on through to 13.1.

Held hands across the finish lines, sprinted it.

With Catherine.

Just a random man.

One of the ladies if you can be a pet or a pet.

Yeah, dry chicken.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you ate half a chicken.

I'm a vegetarian, Ed.

Yeah, but you put a picture of yourself online eating half a chicken afterwards.

A vegan, half chicken.

A vegan, half chicken.

Well, they've done, tell you what, they've done wonders with the way they make them look.

They didn't need to do the bones, but they did the bones.

But,

okay, so ethically, I'm a vegetarian.

Yes.

Yeah, no, but I'll bat you on that.

Look.

For those who don't know, Chloe supports me on tour.

And I'd say 99.8% of of the time vegetarian that's a very kind percentage imagine if like while you're on stage i was just secret eating a whole brisket yeah that is something i would do it does stink of a barbecue restaurant

just got barbecue sauce around the world

uh no so ethically i'm a vegetarian and look i think it makes me an absolutely wonderful person that

i

love me i love meat I just think it's so fantastic.

Yes.

But I just think the sort of meat that I was eating was very bad for the climate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's why I choose not to eat meat.

Chicken's fine.

Yeah, that's the rule.

Chicken's not as bad as...

But then we watched Chicken Run the other week and now I just felt like I was eating Jane Horrocks.

Yeah.

That's one of the most hard-hitting Netflix documentaries about the climate and meeting you can watch.

Yeah, fuck Simon Amstel's bullshit.

Yeah, Chicken Run.

Chicken Run is the one.

Yeah, that made me joke.

Don't watch Chicken Run, just go vegan.

She doesn't want to be a pie.

She doesn't even like gravy.

So we always start with still a sparkling water.

Well, I'm a recent convert to the sparkling.

Really?

Take us on that journey.

Yeah.

Well, I think it was just,

I spent maybe my whole life into my early 20s thinking about...

Going for a meal was about where can you save the money.

Right.

And you can always save the money

on on the water you ask for a tap water straight away you're in you're saving money

day dot you're in tap water tap water in the kids menu please yeah you used to shout tap water to Ching didn't you

yeah

you've been in a restaurant with me

so yeah and then

I sort of realized that sparkling was an option when you're an adult that's in charge of your own money And I just think it's the most luxurious drink you could possibly drink because you don't need it yeah interesting so yeah some people talk about the the taste and that it feels luxurious because it's bubbly but you're literally saying it's luxurious because it's an added extra that no one possibly needs absolutely not like it's doing exactly the same function as a water i will say that it's absolutely glorious on a hangover i don't know what is about those bubbles but it really sorts you out yeah and yeah i just i don't know i just i've really i've really come to can you hear james's stomach now?

Yeah, I can hear it absolutely crazy what you're saying.

James is going nuts.

Hungry?

It's like a haunted house door.

Hungry or too full?

Hungry.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It happens to one of us at least once in a recording day.

Yeah, it's going mad.

What I will say is I've got a protein ball in my rucksack.

Would you like one?

No.

Okay.

But thank you, though.

You're welcome.

I've never had a protein ball before, so I don't want to have my first one.

I don't know what it would do to me.

What?

I don't know what it would do.

What do you mean you don't know what it would do?

It feels a bit risky.

Sorry, she's not offering you MDMA.

It feels like it.

James, would you like half a pill?

Oh,

that's not your stomach gurgling.

Would you like sparkling water?

Because you can tell it's in the glass.

What's happened there is we've started taking a piss out of James, and he's tried to get status back by coming back to the front and I poured a full glass of water over Benito's laptop.

Trying to succeed.

Yeah, to be honest, that's absolutely James at his best i did it backs into a corner comes out fighting

little scrappy boy yeah little scrappy boy he's done well there well i don't want to get pushed into doing a power ball or whatever it was

a parable

a power ball oh a power ball

you didn't you didn't think chloe was offering you a parable to stop your stomach

about the man and the mustard

two shepherds

but are you hung over for your dream meal no no no no no there's actually quite i have quite a lot of stipulations of how i would like the drink.

So

I thought about this in some depth.

What I would like is a real menu and a sort of ghost menu.

And the ghost menu is the menu that is my true self.

And then the real menu is the menu that will stop my girlfriend from leaving me.

And the ghost menu, I would say, is sort of the ghost part is like...

the ghosts of all of the animals that I will be eating.

So if I'm allowed to have those running concurrently, then I would be really happy.

We'd love to hear the girlfriend menu and the ghost menu.

Thank you.

Separately.

I'm confused at which one is which, though.

Girlfriend is real menu.

But then the ghost menu is the ghost menu is what I want really.

So that makes me think that's real.

That's the real menu.

That's the real menu because that's what you want.

And then the girlfriend menu is the fake menu.

Yeah.

That's pretty existential, yeah.

But the ghosts relate to the ghosts of the animals that are on the menu.

Yeah.

Yes.

But also, I would happily eat either of these menus.

Yeah.

Like very happily.

well i'd love to hear both as we go along absolutely and am i allowed in the dream restaurant

you know how much i love competitive eaters right yep oh my god

actually obsessed actually obsessed yeah

yeah my favorite is randy santell chloe sent us a picture to the tour what's up group once her with a random fat man i'll say it

And when it was like, like, no context.

And me and our tour manager, Paul, had to be like, sorry, Chloe, why have you sent us this picture?

She's like, it's Randy Santell.

I've just met Randy Santell.

One of the best competitive eaters going.

Yeah.

He's absolutely great.

And I would say that.

I'm not third best.

In this line of work, you have to get used to meeting very famous people

and not

behaving like a weirdo, like not getting too starstruck.

But I would say that the people that I get starstruck around are competitive eaters or sports journalists.

So if Barry Glenden were to walk in that door right now, I would be all of a flutter.

Yeah.

Randy Santel.

Whereas the three of us would be like, who the fuck are you?

Get the fuck out of us.

Unless you're here to clean the table, get the fuck out of you.

I would basically like to have the stomach capacity of a competitive eater.

Yeah.

Yes.

Menu.

Okay, well that's fine.

But you're not going to eat at the sort of speed of a competitive eater, right?

Because it is gross watching those guys eat.

No, it won't be speed, it'll be volume.

You won't be dipping things in water to get them down easier.

How do you watch that?

Because like every time they dunk a hot dog in water, it makes one to be sick.

Yeah.

How are you watching that?

So that's like the sort of competitive side of the competitive eating where they're competing against each other.

You just watch them have normal meals.

Whereas I watch them sort of in their training, I would guess.

So they'll go around to different like restaurants and cafes and stuff that will have their own

challenges.

Like belly buster breakfast or something.

Yeah, but Mr.

Big Beast breakfast.

Mr.

Big Beast Belly Buster Breakfast.

Yeah, big, big pizza time.

Something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I've forgotten big pizza.

I did need another example, so thank you.

And then they'll sort of eat it at, for them, sort of quite a leisurely pace.

But they'll still be doing it within the half an hour.

Yeah, and they'll be on the wall, obviously.

They'll get put on the wall and we're in the t-shirt.

So that's what I watch.

And I think fundamentally it is disgusting, but my brain is able to like,

because I'm not the one experiencing the reality of like having that much food within me I can just be like oh a selection of delicious foods that I would love to be eating right now it's it's sort of an intellectual enjoyment rather than I have I have gone through periods of watching stuff like that

there's a guy called Eric the Electric I love Eric the Electric who will who will eat just like he'll go and buy like a hundred thousand calories worth of food and just eat it in a whole day.

But he does like Iron Man.

Yeah, he cycles.

He goes for like 25 mile cycle in the morning and then comes back and eats you know eight boxes of cereal a little like me and my half marathon yeah but he probably doesn't chuck it all up yeah so i was like yeah there's not those youtube videos of eric the electric just

absolutely hurling pop love salt bread oh pop lobs or bread chlory pets pop lumps on bread god i vowed that it wouldn't take me by surprise but it did it feels like i'm being heckled at an ed gamble gig have you been heckled at supporting ed before no actually no they're they've been nice this tour no nothing nothing malicious.

No, they're a nice bunch actually.

You'd recommend supporting Ed Gamble on tour to other comedians?

To anyone.

Yeah, honestly, to anyone.

But you wouldn't do that because then that would mean you're

punting the job out there.

Yeah, shit, I hate it.

They're shouting poppin's at bread at me every night, I'm saying.

That's not even his.

That's not even Ed's.

Yeah, exactly.

He's never said it.

It's a silly little friend's catch.

Yeah, I don't agree with it.

I think it's stupid.

Stupid questions to ask people.

It doesn't make any sense.

There are many things that I was told early tours would not make sense on the podcast and they've stuck and bad luck head, I guess.

Yeah.

For the rest of his life.

For the rest of his life.

Yeah.

Is that how long you're going to do that?

Yeah.

This is my pension, mate.

You've seen the tour receipts.

For me, it's bread.

If I was having a lovely curry, of course, pobadums, but I'm not.

Yeah, for this, I'd really need the infinite sort of capacity of belly to be available to me.

So you don't ruin yourself on bread.

yeah, because I will be pinging it back if I'm honest.

Yeah, and like you know, they bring out pats of butter to keep them coming, just

I'm not even spreading, I'm just gonna pop one pat on a piece of bread and onto the next just to arrange them all like that.

The pats, yeah, how many pats per slice?

Flowy pats.

Pats per slice, one.

I'm not crazy.

Oh, I thought you were talking about like not spreading.

I thought you were talking about like arranging them, putting the pat on, and then next to it, another pat, pat and then another

to cover the full surface of it

yeah that's that's an option available to me if you've got infinite pats then you go for it right infinite pats yeah yeah and i honestly think we're in a a golden age of bread in london

i really do i think it's sort of like the the bread renaissance yeah where you go to popham's jolene other places yeah i would have loved to have done rule of three there but i just didn't have it in me those are your favourite two those are my favourite two.

Popham's number one?

Popham's number one for sure.

But also, I went to this place where they did, I can't remember the name of it, but they did amazing Guinness bread.

Oh, yeah.

And it was just like the perfect blend of like dark and fluffy and like crispy on the outside.

I agree, Golden Age bread in London.

Yeah.

It's the exact sort of thing I would say.

I'm well up for that as a phrase.

I'm going to start using that.

So is there, for your two different menus, is the bread course the same?

Oh, yeah, because we've got to do ghost bread.

ghost bread and we've got to do real bread because I feel like there shouldn't be a distinction bread wise between the menu to stop your girlfriend leaving you and the ghost menu right bread breads are the same yeah you've intubited correctly there so that'll say the same packs of butter on the Guinness bread so we're having a little a platter of breads is it gonna be a bit of bread from Popham's bit of bread from Jolene yeah bit of bread from the mysterious Guinness bread restaurants yeah and preferably like um maybe a sour though i'm so partial to focaccia yeah yeah just a bread where you don't need to dip it in oil the oil's inbuilt soaked in wonderful really wonderful yeah i love a focaccia sandwich i just think yeah oh oh

oh god

something's just happened

like if you have a focaccia sandwich yeah and it's got something a bit saucy in it And then the sauce goes into the sponginess of

the bread, but it will never go out of the bottom because the oily crust catches it up.

There's a lot of oil in Fokachi.

You know how they discovered that, how they made that?

No.

It was originally not an oil-based thing, and there was a big bottle of oil next to it.

And someone thought the bottle was upside down, so they just fucked it up.

Yes, it absolutely drew us all in there.

We all got drawn into that.

Even I was like, Ed's got a little fucked about Fokachi here, but it wasn't.

It was another slab because you

dumped water all over the desk.

Tell me what the the food is that will get me chucked out of this fucking restaurant when I'm saying it.

You know when someone like pushes the king over in chess, I'm doing that.

I'm walking.

You flip the king upside down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Water comes out the bottom.

Yeah, I fucking get the joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So your dream starter.

Are we going on two different menus now?

Yeah, we're going onto the two different menus.

By the way, I think Chloe is one of my most excited looking guests to get stuck into the menu.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

when I saw you, I think, live and in real time, remember for catch a sandwich.

I've never seen someone so excited on this part of the video.

It was like I came a little pat of butter.

Yeah, yeah, it was lovely.

I think we go for the vegetarian one first, because I

girlfriend.

The girlfriend.

It's not necessarily completely vegetarian as well.

There will be.

So I'm not met for it.

But your girlfriend won't leave you for whatever's on this menu.

She won't.

No.

She's not going.

So I'm opening with bruschetta.

Great.

Bread.

More bread, yeah.

More bread.

Which is why I need more bread.

More bread, please.

Infinite bread, please.

Sorry, occasionally we will slip into doing that voice.

Now, what's that voice?

That's a voice we exclusively talk to each other like on tour.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because I didn't know what was going on there.

No, no, no.

That's what happens.

Didn't like it felt like.

Because normally what will happen is we'll pull up.

Me and my tour manager will pull up at the tube stop where we pick Chloe up from.

I wind down the window and go, hello.

And Chloe goes, hello.

It gets to the back of the car, and then we don't stop talking like that for the rest of the leg.

And your tour manager deals well with that?

Yeah, he joins in.

Yeah, he joins in.

But we call him Linda.

Oh, yeah, Linda.

Because he likes to eat her bills.

Yeah.

The other day, he said,

his announcement when I got into the car was: first thing, not even how are you.

The other day, I did panic and I went for dinner at Alasaguanas

by himself.

By himself.

Yeah, he had for heaters.

Which, just every detail just feels more tragic

and he has like such a sort of low embarrassment threshold so he just sort of goes bright red at even recalling the notion of eating fajitas his ears went a bit red yeah because everyone spotted him because they're quite an attention grabbing food yeah they are the sizzling and the noise you don't order that on your own that guy's by himself so it's like it's like the meals going this guy's by himself

look over here crying onto the hot plates

Oh Paul Paul, every time he gets mentioned on this, it's in the negative food context.

Yeah.

And then he gets all his friends texting him going, what do you mean you've never had a prawn?

Yeah, he's not very adventurous, is he?

He just loves an omelette.

He just loves an omelette.

He loves an omelette.

He loves an omelette.

Well, what was I saying?

Bruschetta.

Oh, Bruschetta.

Bruschetta on the girlfriend menu.

So I actually, this is pretty similar to everything that I ate at Aputea, this place in Ortegia in Sicily.

and I'm sort of worried that I'm not that well traveled So I haven't like eaten in very many different places and I'm kind of worried that I've like got to the first good place and been like this is the best thing and there's like a whole world

you know what you know right it's valid yeah and and I found this just so amazing but what I would say is their bruschetta They had like this amazing fish bruschetta, which was great.

But what I would take is their bruschetta and just elevate some.

So I would just have like a really amazing, like fresh bread that's, again, got that crispy outside, but is like sort of soft and spongy in the middle middle not hotel duvan cake bread yeah which is my favorite bread okay yeah chloe's obsessed with the bread at hotel duvan because it's so it's got such high sugar content in the hit it just tastes like cake so bruschetto with just tomato is it tomato and is there onion on it no not onion just the tomato just like really fresh tomatoes that have been like recently warmed by the sun oh yeah okay Because you just pop a tomato in the sun and for 20 minutes, immediately it like is elevated to the next level.

Yeah, you don't want fridge-hold tomatoes, do you?

Flaky salt?

Flaky salt.

Basil pepper.

I'm not bound to the idea of basil.

That's a deal breaker for me of a bruschetta.

Yeah.

I want some basil on.

I want some fresh basil on.

Yeah.

I think I'd take it.

But what I'd do is I'd eat all the basil in the first half of the bruschetta and then just be freewheeling after that.

Why would you do that?

Get the green out of the way.

Oh, so you do that, do you?

Even if it's tasty green, get the green out the way.

You've got to get the green out the way.

You should be at Nando's, just net that broccoli and then go into another.

I like the brock, actually.

Yeah.

It's got better, the brock

at Nando's.

It's good.

The brock at Nando's.

It used to be a bit too perfumed for my liking.

I didn't know why.

It tasted like it had perfume on it.

Like a sort of Christian deal.

Yep.

And I was like, what's this?

What's what they put on this brock that's making it taste like that?

But now it's a lot nicer.

It's good.

It's garlicky.

It's tasty.

They cook it well.

I regularly go double brock.

I go Brock and the grains, the butternut squash.

Oh, yeah, I do that sometimes as well.

I've overdone it on that, I just can't anymore.

I've started on the sweet corn recently, wonderful.

Yeah.

A little pat of butter, rub it all over.

Cool.

Massage.

Chloe pants back in business.

Chloe pants back on top.

So we've got Bruschetta on the girlfriend menu.

Yeah.

What's this other menu?

What's on the ghost menu?

Full fry up.

Clearly more excited about one than the other.

Yeah.

Oh, full fry up.

I just want like a never-ending carousel of meat.

Like, you know, like yo sushi.

Yeah.

I want that, but with like a full cow on it.

Yeah.

Fucking like all the different parts or just one full cow on the yo sushi belt just going round and round and round.

Yeah.

So it's going to be a meaty menu.

It's going to be full meat.

And I also in the dream restaurant, I would like there to be no ethical implications of the meat.

Okay.

They're imaginary animals.

Yeah.

There's no harm in the world.

Maybe they're like really evil animals that deserve to die okay interesting yeah so like dictators sort of dictators or yeah like uh like if it was if you're having i don't know if lion is on your menu but it would be scar yeah you'd be eating scar yeah

yeah like chairman cow that's what

chairman cow there you go what's the starter though oh a big fry up a full fryer

so the so the cow and the conveyor belt is for later no like i'm getting this i'm getting the the like oh i'm not getting anything for the fry up up out of him a pig as well there'll be he'll have a pig friend who's you know

the himmler to his

hitler you know yeah and uh yeah so i'll be getting meat out of them and then i'll have like it maybe it'll be like a mini fry up because it's a starter sure and it will be some scrambled eggs and beans um not in a ramekin yeah sausage bacon hash browns maybe a tatti scone mushrooms tomato not because i want it but just like i eat it and then feel like the rest of the fry up is a reward.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Out in the sun for a bit, the tomato.

Yeah, cooked by the sun.

Yeah.

Difficult to keep this mini, I'd say, starter size, because you've got a lot of elements on there.

But I guess it's all relative.

So if your main course is like even more ginormous, then this is the sun.

The whole cow.

Yeah, yeah.

Fry bread?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, fry bread.

I love fried bread.

Yeah, it's good stuff.

It's good.

Yeah,

and not always on a fry up these days.

It's nice to see it on there.

Any other elements on a fry

Black pudding.

Oh, black pudding, yeah.

Oh, and white pudding.

But I'm not having much more than that.

A fried mushroom.

And that's about it for me, I'd say.

It's all fried.

Yeah, it is all fried.

I would have, I think I would have scrambled egg each time.

I like the scrambled eggs.

Well, then you then, are you willing to live with the fact every other ingredient has to be scrambled?

Yeah.

Scrambled breakfast for me, please.

Absolutely.

Scrambled bacon.

Scrambled bacon, scrambled sausage.

Oh, it sounds great.

That should be quite nice.

I I guess you're basically then chopping everything up really fine and sort of.

It would all be in one big hash, really.

Yeah, one big hash.

Yeah.

Big hash breakie.

Big hash.

I mean, hash brownie is my favourite part of a fried breakfast.

So if it was all hash, I'm delighted.

So, I mean, this is a great, a great idea for a starter.

Thank you.

You're really getting in a lot of fantastic elements, early doors.

Yeah.

And I think because it's breakfast, that's the starter of the day.

Yes.

Oh, that's really profound.

Thank you.

So you're almost taking us through a full day in one meal.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh I hadn't even thought of that.

Let's move on to your main course.

Main on the Girl From Real Menu

is this dish from Aputea in Sicily, which I think is one of the best things I've ever eaten.

And I went back for it three times over the course of the holiday.

And it was...

Everyone else going to this place?

Just you?

Yeah, just me in there with Mebola pasta.

But what's good is that I was on holiday with

like lots of very small women.

So I had both my pasta and then half of their pasta to finish as well.

How small are we talking?

The women?

Yeah.

Borrower.

Borrower, size.

It's cheaper to get an Airbnb that way.

Yeah, because they can all sleep in the kitchen drawers and stuff.

Do you sleep with the forks?

They make me my little mini fryer.

Do you know what the second B stands for.

Because you don't actually get breakfast at...

Everyone complains.

Yeah, yeah.

Airbnb, we use it.

You get the bed, but not for the breakfast.

Airbed and borrower.

Yeah, yeah.

Airbed and borrower.

Anyway, so yeah, I had so much of this pasta.

It was amazing.

And oh, yeah, that was a day that

the day that I took them all back.

Because my friends like

met up with us the second half of the holiday and I was like, you've got to come back to this restaurant.

I absolutely love it.

It's the best thing I've eaten while I'm here.

And then I ate all of my pasta and then like probably half another portion of pasta.

And then I went to try and get ice cream and I wanted Nutella ice cream, but I didn't understand the Italian language and it was Nutella Freda, which basically just means cold Nutella.

So they just gave me a pot of frozen Nutella.

That's on a menu.

That was at a separate place.

So then I obviously ate that.

And then I had to lie down for three hours.

I was sick.

But anyway this pasta you'll understand why I was sick because it was so rich and it was just like this amazing pasta I'm not sure the shape but it's basically like kind of a bit squiggly okay yeah yeah I know the squiggles frilly pasta about an inch long

frilly pasta about an inch long yeah cooked like perfectly sort of al dente with a pistachio pesto which is like a Sicilian speciality they grow a lot of pistachio with cream and shrimp oh Oh my god.

Tiny little shrimps.

And it sort of decreased the amount of shrimp that I got like decreased the three times I was there.

Maybe.

Because I saw you coming.

The chef was like,

hide the shrimp.

She's in again.

The massive one's in again.

She's going to eat it anyway.

Take all the shrimp out.

She's just had a pot on her television here for more.

We've heard her being sick.

She's ready to go again.

She's brought the tiny women.

And the borrower's sticking out of her top pocket.

She's going to order two portions and pretend one's for the borrower.

I love the idea of the pistachio pesto.

Yeah, I've never had that.

Me neither.

You can imagine that, oh, the crunch of the pistachio.

Oh, so good.

Yeah.

But we bought some and then just like had a little lick of it.

It definitely needs to be like diluted by something.

Please, Chloe, don't just start having everything out of jars.

If all your food is just pesto, Nutella, whatever thing you just go, give me a jar and I'll just eat that.

Get the jar in the freezer and then I'll crack it away with it.

have the pasta don't just eat it out the jar yeah with the cream as well i mean it does sound so rich it's so rich how big's the bowl like is it a massive portion you look at it and go i could do two of them yeah and then you're through one and go i can only do half of my mates yeah

it's one of those situations yeah yeah well you're not fully defeated yeah yeah it's it's huge though and yeah on that first day like the amount of shrimp just kept coming it was so good yeah that does sound delicious so look we need to hear the ghost menu but i'm very on board with the girlfriend menu so far i'd have that menu yeah interesting i mean i think in dre in in terms of just dream what it and there's no sort of capacity to the stomach i'll probably have a fry up okay to start let's see if the main course swings um so the main course of the ghost menu is all of the barbecue food you could possibly imagine yeah definitely your head on board yeah i mean this was very close to my main on my dream menu episode 100 so talk talk us through it, Chloe, please.

Big brisket.

All of my Instagram algorithm alternates between a man cutting a brisket and then Harry Styles doing a concert.

Imagine, what would you do if Harry Styles cut some brisket?

Come everywhere.

Don't cut that.

Mama's cutting it.

I can't.

Yeah.

Anyway, brisket,

ribs, pork and beef.

Yeah.

You got to double up on the ribs.

Burnt ends.

Oh, yeah.

Turkey.

Again, it's the tomato.

I'm eating it quick just to think.

Yeah.

Got a bit of healthy white.

It's the tomato of the meat.

Yeah.

And is it like a big turkey leg breast?

No, it's like sliced breast that has been like really slow cooked and is like...

Juicy.

Yeah, extraordinarily.

How have they made a turkey?

You can see

the smoke running around the outside of it.

Oh, my God.

I feel like I've got like a real like food empathy thing where like you can even describe food and I like I'm I feel so satisfied.

Yeah.

And I think that's why I watch Mike Chen, the YouTuber.

I love Mike Chen.

I know this guy.

So he's just like this guy that goes around just eating delicious food and reviewing it.

And he's so like positive.

What's the name of his YouTube channel again?

Strictly Dumpling.

Strictly Dumpling.

That's right.

It's really good.

And I just love how enthusiastic he is about the food.

He can eat that guy.

Yeah.

He does a lot of buffets as well.

We talk about buffets a lot on tour as well.

Yeah.

I saw something happen there.

Yeah.

We mentioned buffets as a bit of.

Yeah, we both went somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels a little like, I don't know, a little illicit when I'm like, well, you described Turkey Leg to me in intense detail because it feels like I'm getting off on it.

And like, I haven't asked for your consent to like get involved in that fantasy form.

I mean, you've already said

the thing about Harry Stell's cutting a brisket.

You said you'd come everywhere.

So

I think we knew what was going on.

A nice sort of mustard sauce.

So I'd come just for my little piece of beefy.

That's very nice.

Thank you.

So is that so that's you've got turkey ribs beef and pork?

Big tray of meaty.

Big tray of meaty.

Brisket.

Any little barbecue sides?

Well, that would be my sides for the grace of the bar.

Okay, right, okay.

We'll move on.

Where's the best barbecue place you've been before we move on?

So I'm not, I haven't really eaten that much barbecue because I gained this obsession after I became vegetarian.

and I have like enough memories of that sort of meat to know how much I love it like anything essentially like slow cooked yeah beef particularly

is just my ideal thing although having said that are we allowed to talk about your meat amnesty yeah my constant meat amnesty no when we we were doing a gig and there was a barbecue restaurant around the corner and we don't normally eat heavily before gigs we went around there chloe had a meat amnesty and she felt horribly sick for the rest of the day all of my stories ended me just feeling sick.

My best days are like, and then I then I chucked off.

I was sick.

I do regret, though, because you had the beef rib and I got the brisket.

I think I should have got the rib.

Yeah, it was good.

It was nice.

I think beef brisket, though, is safe bet.

Every barbecue place is going to be good.

Beef rib.

Some places, that's the best thing on the menu.

Some places, if they don't do it well, you gut idiot.

Want it.

I'll just play it safe.

I massively disagree.

Fair enough.

Certainly about the brisket.

I think think it that is an art i think you're actually you're not going to find many places in the whole of the uk that does actually good oh yeah in the uk yeah

but yeah i guess if you're in like texas etc

pecan lodge shout out to pecan lodge is that the best place

i i went i was in dallas for three days i went there for two other days oh sick it was good i think i'd like to that's like my bucket list of like proper meat amnesty go to texas have yeah like proper barbecue

you'd be sick every day i'd be so sick and i'd love it yeah this is the best

yeah back we go sometimes on the instagram reel they'll like just put they'll just like put a brisket down and then just let it jiggle like a like a lady's bum and

it's just so hot

oh man

i just love it like a lady's bum

like a lady's bum oh it's so good yeah that's what i'd have am i missing any meats i don't i guess they sometimes they have a really nice sausage yes i'd love a you have had a sausage in the starter though i will say that yeah i'm double sausaging okay you double sausage away i'm gonna have one of those like jalapeno and cheddar oh yeah sausages that like snap like with an amazing snap snap yeah that i definitely have one of them yeah and just let it jiggle like a man's dick yeah

literally in my head

i was writing it in my head when i'd said like i'm gonna say i watch youtube videos where they lay a sausage down and they slap it and it jiggles like a man's oh Oh, you see it.

He said it.

Dream side dishes.

Now, this is on the real menu, and I'm doing this because, not because it's like my dream side dish, but because I think it really complements what else is going on.

So I'd have a salad, but like something with like a real crunch to it to like, because the pasta's quite, it is al dente, but it's,

there's a bit of a slop element to it right sure so i think it's the same texture the whole time right with a bowl of pasta you need something to break it up with you want to break it up so i love like fennel oh oh no oh no you've really hit on something here oh no it's not the secret ingredient don't worry fucking hell it has been in the past

early doors

this was like an early one yeah this was very early doors secret ingredient i feel very passionate about how much i don't like fennel although look i'll hold my hands up the two things i hate the most pomegranate seeds and fennel, I have it.

If they're ever in a dish, I will just eat them.

Yeah.

I don't make a fuss, but I'd rather they didn't exist.

But texturally, that's the best thing.

That's to scratch that itch that you need with a pasta.

Yeah.

Fennel's up there.

And I think it's got like a real satisfying aniseed-y taste.

I don't know.

Do you not like aniseed at all?

I don't.

See, I don't either, but I think raw fennel does have its only a background note.

That's a thing.

Yeah.

It's the only acceptable aniseed note that i would detect it in anything i'm always like it's got fennel you're like a shark aren't you with aniseed instead of blood just got fennel in yeah straight away

fennel fennel miles away

what else do you want in this salad then well i don't know if this is like technically right like a complimentary favour but like maybe some kind of like fruit like orange that's a that's a big combo yeah fennel and orange i've had that before yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure and then what herb would go with that with Fennel tops, like, I see that quite a lot.

You know, the sort of like spiny little top of a fennel.

Yeah.

I've seen that go with it.

Or maybe a bit of dill.

I don't like orange in salads either, but this is awful.

Fucking on me.

This has ruined the girlfriend menu for you.

Is it that much of a deal breaker?

I was fully go for menu all the way.

Even though I like the things on the other menu, but I was like, no, no, I want this government means that it's delicious.

Then you get to this abomination of a salad where you got fennel and fucking oranges oranges in a salad together.

It's a proper girlfriend menu thing though.

Oh, we'll just get a salad on the side.

Love salad on the side.

Should we just say

Yeah, and then you look really like sophisticated and also like

pouring my sparkling water over the floor.

Should we just get a little fennel salad?

I would accept apple in the salad.

But this is the thing.

I think it's quite like

what

the salad needs is crunch and then a bit of sweet and acidity.

So look, you sub in whatever you want there, baby boy that is on you okay

in my in my head

yeah so it doesn't have to be fennel and orange but it has to be crunchy sweet acidic okay no i'm gonna leave that with you all right first thing i'm doing is subbing the orange for the apple and then figuring out what is going in place of the fennel but that's crunch and sweet you see so you've got some acid to play with yeah but you need a bit of vinegar in there right Just a bottle of vinegar and some apple.

Bite an apple, swig the vinegar.

Lovely job.

Yeah, really nice.

So you do you on that.

I'd happily have this salad that you can.

Thank you.

But I'm mainly on board with the ghost menu, so I'm looking forward to hearing what the ghost sides are.

Yeah, I want to hear these barbecue sides.

Very conventional barbecue fare.

Cornbread, macaroni, cheese.

What is it?

Collard greens?

Collard greens.

Collard greens.

All of the rest.

Baked beans?

We've heard what you think about baked beans already.

Not you.

You don't want the barbecue baked beans?

What are the other ones?

So cornbread, Mac and cheese, collard greens.

I mean, they're the

biggins.

Texas toast.

Yeah, that's just toast, innit?

Just thick toast.

Like garlicky with garlic.

It's like garlic bread.

You could have sweet potatoes or yams or something like that.

Not super interested in that, but maybe you'd need it to sort of break up the

bit of sweet to break up the...

What's grits?

Would you have grits at the same time?

I don't think you'd have it with barbecue, but it's from that part of the world, isn't it?

Grits you'd have with like shrimp or something.

I went to a barbecue place once that was doing frickles.

Frickles.

You've got to have frickles.

A fried pickle.

Yes.

It's like I've just done a riddle.

God, I love a frickle.

Yeah, I'd have a frickle.

Because imagine, oh, yeah, just a bit of that, like,

really tender beef rib and then a little frickle chaser.

Wow, it's sorting you right out, isn't it?

How are you doing the frickles as well?

Because I've had frickles before where they just like, it's the full pickle, this deep fried, or they cut it into like chips.

Tiny chips.

Or they've sliced them like, you know, down ways so like gherkins.

Little coin.

Yeah, that's what I want, a disc, a disc of fruit yeah they are the best because what you want is like the maximum amount of surface area to be covered in fries exactly yeah and you can pop those in your mouth one at a time like a sweet it with the long strips you're biting down you're seeing it's hot because all the steams coming out and it's a wet it's a wet pickle yeah so when you throw it it it really it's boiling it's yeah that's

yeah so much better just knock the thin slices back and i think i might want something a little crunchy like just a little pot of celery or something coleslaw yeah i'll take coleslaw yeah really nice a really nice like vinegar based or mayo based i think usually i'd go mayo based yeah any day of the week for my coleslaw but on this occasion i think vinegar based again just to cut across the meat the rich meat yeah yeah well i like those sides a lot yeah i'd probably hop over to that menu for the sides you're welcome to come join

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Dream drink, dream drink the same for both meals?

Yeah, I think so.

So again, like the way that I'd be doing this meal is very specific.

So it would sit in the like hinterland between lunch and dinner, right?

And that's where it's sitting.

And the day before that it's all building up to this big meal yeah okay and i think i am gonna be in italy yeah and the best like setting of meal i've ever had was when i was 18 i just went to italy for a month and like nannied this little girl and they lived in perugia and they all had these amazing houses with loads of land on them and they'd go around like the mum and dad would sort of go round the friends most evenings and just like have a meal on on these amazing houses just outside on this amazing land and because they all spoke Italian it was quite good for me because I couldn't understand anything that they were saying so I could just really focus on the task in front of me which was eating as much food as I possibly could and then being sick

um so I'd I the setting would definitely be Italy but it would be with my friends but friends that are happy for me like not to talk when I just need to focus on the food but the morning would be I'd have like a sort of breakfast just to sort of fill me up a little bit go for a long run, which is sort of like life's tomato, right?

It's the thing that I need to get out of the way so I get the reward

at the end of it.

So basically I'm just like spending my whole day just like edging myself towards this massive meal, right?

So I'm going on this huge run and then I might not have lunch, but I might have some like little crispies just to

get really excited.

Yeah, get the tingles going.

Get the tingles going, make sure I'm full enough that I don't get sick before the meal.

Yeah.

And then this is.

I mean, it all sticks with the edging thing.

Oh, yeah.

It's really good.

Yeah, let's not forget you used that phrase.

Just teasing myself.

I know we didn't comment on it, but

we all registered it.

I think Benito wrote it down.

Yeah, food edging.

Yeah.

Yeah, food edging.

Fedging.

Fedging.

Sounds dirtier than

edging does.

But I think what you need to understand is that everything that I've described to you is an erotic experience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember the brisket like the ladies' bottom?

You came on a focacher earlier.

I know it wasn't on a focache.

It's because of Taddy Styles.

But if you came on a focache, it wouldn't fall out the bottom, at least.

It's really good.

So you're fedging?

So I'm fedging, and I'm really hungry.

And then what I do is I get myself a pint of delicious pale ale.

I drink it on a semi-empty stomach.

So by the time I'm ready to sit down and eat this meal, I'm a little bit tipsy.

You've got a buzz on?

I've got a buzz on and it's like

eating drunk food.

Yeah.

Drunk food is your favorite food?

food just like tipsy food yeah if you're a little bit tipsy yeah yeah over the first lockdown I'd sit down 515 have a pint with pointless

right

pointless wasn't pointless with you was it

beautiful thank you

you're really really doing quite well did you pop your hand out for a high five there no no I gestured towards him so you would appreciate the master Pointless wasn't pointless.

Pointless wasn't pointless.

Both of you are on fire.

That's why he's the headliner.

Look and learn.

6.30, because I've had that

pointless pint

on an empty stomach.

I'm loving dinner, whatever it is.

Do you think that's because...

So I think for me, if I'm drunk or tipsy and I'm eating, it just takes away that constant voice in my head that is saying you shouldn't be eating this.

Yeah.

Ha, interesting.

So then it's great.

There's an element of that with me.

But like adios, not listening to you anymore.

Now I'm going to enjoy this whole bar of chocolate only.

I don't think I give a shit about that.

That's where we part ways.

I would be eating a dinner rather than a.

I would get drunk and eat a whole bar of chocolate only.

Hmm.

Someone's wasting alcohol there.

I think that's a waste of booze.

When I'm hungover, I do that.

That's why I quite like a hungover meal.

Yeah.

Towards the end of a hungover day, where the majority of the hangover has dissipated, but what remains is that absolute raging hunger.

And then I'm like, it's pizza time, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's pizza time, and I'm putting that all away.

Yeah.

One, just post it in.

Feels like medicine then.

Yeah, really good.

Medicine.

Medicine.

Really good.

Well, you see, I don't get the voice while I'm eating.

I get the voice immediately after I've eaten.

Go laugh.

Why did I do that?

Yeah, yeah.

But again, that voice isn't there if I'm hammered.

That's the thing, isn't it?

But I don't know.

There's something about the way that my taste buds work when I'm a bit drunk.

All of me's feeling a little buzzed, so maybe they're just flapping around a bit different.

They're a bit woozy.

Last night, perfect example of it.

Went to a concert with James.

Yeah.

We didn't have time to go for food before.

Had a couple of beers beers at the gig, got back home.

I thought, I'm not going to order a takeaway because then I'll do real damage.

Just a tiny, tiny little bit tipsy, made bacon and eggs.

It felt good.

It felt good.

Bacon and eggs, straight to bed.

That's really great.

What a night.

I got in,

opened my fridge, saw the chocolate lonely.

Said, not tonight.

Not tonight.

Went to sleep.

Weren't drunk enough.

Weren't drunk enough.

And it was the dark chocolate and lemony one that I was trying out for the first time.

And I like it, but I've got to be in the mood.

Yeah.

So you didn't have dinner.

You had a couple of pints like dinner.

Yeah.

You must be feeling...

Have you had breakfast this morning?

No.

Oh, my God.

So the last time you ate was when we had lunch yesterday.

Farmer James Finsbury yesterday for lunch.

James, you need to eat something nice.

Oh, I do.

That's my stomach's going absolutely.

Well, let's fucking hurry up.

Jesus Christ, we've got to get you fed.

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

So dream drink is a pale ale.

Pale ale before, to maybe like 45 minutes before I'm going at that.

And I'm reading my book.

Do you want to pointless as well?

No.

No.

No, I'm not bound to.

How are you feeling about the new sidekicks on pointless?

Absolutely dreadful, really appalling.

Ruin the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Agreed.

Someone's cooking for me.

I'm reading my book.

I'm

watching the football maybe.

I'm dozing, you know, just getting really ready for it.

Yeah.

A bit more edgy.

And then throughout the meal, I'd have a big delicious glass of red wine but i know i want to know that any drink is available to me yeah any alcoholic beverage so if i want an apparole spritz i could have it if i want an espresso martini i could have it if i want a gin tonic i could have it but primarily i'm going for a lovely glass of red wine so you are having a red wine but you need the promise that you if suddenly you change your mind you could have something different yeah any particular sort of red wine um no i'd let someone like you who knows about red wine choose it I know a little bit.

But like, you know more than I do.

And I would trust you to make like a decent decision.

Yeah, it depends i obviously i think the red wine would change based on which menu we're yeah we're going with making a toast with your red wine yeah all right raising a toast wait what what what are you saying uh this is a new format point that james occasionally remembers to bring in okay well i've done i think i've remembered it every time i brought it in so no no are you gonna raise a toast yeah and i do um the toast from that song in hamilton where they're like to the bra to the bra

and then i do the whole performance of hamilton yeah edge myself a bit further and then have the meal but would you do the whole...

Would you do it from that?

From that point, yeah.

Is it Hamilton edging you as well?

Yeah.

That's what you're doing.

Okay.

Yeah.

To the revolution.

And you can make it about your menu.

Yeah.

Yeah, really nice.

Yeah.

Instead.

To the brisket.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To the fickles.

To the sides.

Now I'm trying to think of like puns put in like Hamilton songs.

Yeah.

Now going away smart.

what food as chops?

I'm not throwing away my chops.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I'm not throwing away mad.

Chops.

I'm not throwing away mad.

Chops.

Yeah, brilliant.

Still keeping on young, scrappy, and hungry or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, keep that.

Yeah.

Yep.

I want to be in the room where it happens.

Kitchen.

Brackets, the kitchens.

Brackets, the kitchens.

We're at your dessert.

We shouldn't put this off.

Even though I know, apparently I'm not going to like it, but there are two desserts.

Or is there just one dessert?

I don't think you're not going to like it.

I just think it doesn't, for the ghost menu, it doesn't fit the narrative of like breakfast, lunch, dinner.

Okay.

Because I'm going back to, because I want it to be all meat, I think I'm just going to have pancakes, bacon and maple syrup.

Okay.

To end.

Okay.

But...

I also thought when you were talking about Universal and Disneyland, one of the favourite things I've ever eaten when I was a child, and I didn't know what it was until quite recently and remembered that sort of Google existed and I could find out what it was.

Funnel cake.

Right.

I don't think I've ever had a funnel cake.

I've never had it.

Listen.

Okay.

We've watched Deep Fried Masters.

We know Deep Fried Masters.

This is why we know Defriend From Masters.

I've never seen Deep Fried Masters.

This sounds right.

Honestly, I cannot, but we might have to watch that.

I can't do Deep Fried Masters.

It's what it sounds like.

It's a cooking competition.

Three Deep Fried Masters going against each other.

and each round is like, deep-fry this, make us something that we could sell on the midway, the whole thing.

Yeah.

Funnel cakes was obviously a big part of that show.

Yeah.

Is funnel cake just cake batter

directly into a fryer and that's it?

Yeah, they funnel it in until it's like

it's all squiggly, like a squiggly pat, basically, right?

Yeah, like a mass of

fried dough.

Yeah.

Oh, it's so good.

And then they pour put powdered sugar over it.

Yeah, it's crazy.

You can have syrup.

It was just transformative when I was a child.

It was so wonderful.

And I've always sort of tried to hit that high ever since, but can never.

I also think I'd be too inhibited now to do it.

Like, I think I would have that voice going, you're just eating fried dough.

You're just eating fried dough.

I think my problem with it is that I think I would like that with other, like, as a element of a dessert.

If it were my ice cream sundae that had some fried dough in it, oh yeah, great fun.

But when I see the actual funnel cakes, I'm like, that can't be the, that's not the thing, is it?

But there was something at at Disney Mobile, which is like a

pineapple upside down funnel cake kind of thing.

Oh, my God.

And that looked great.

And I didn't get it.

And I kind of regret it.

I'll tell you what I don't like about it.

The mechanism of squeezing is like, it's like they're doing toothpaste or someone's squeezing a big spot.

It's weird.

The long, sort of thin thing, like draping it into the basket.

But you're very much into the casket.

You know what I mean?

You don't have to see or think about that.

Like, you don't, you haven't forced it to be.

Because it comes out and then it looks like Mr.

Messi.

No, but Adrian, I've told you I wanted a full cow.

You weren't going, I don't like the thought of it getting shot through the head.

Do you know what I mean?

No, I don't mind that.

Oh, okay.

You'd love that.

Yeah, yeah.

Obviously, that is horrific, but I know why I think that's horrific.

I can't quite put my finger on why I don't like

them squiggling the dough into the basket.

And I think it's to do with Dr.

Pimple Popper, but I'm not quite sure.

I think there's a pro

you know when have you seen Dr.

Yeah, I fucking love Dr.

Pimple Popper.

When there's a real big one and it wiggles out like a snake out their face, that's what funnel cake reminds me of.

But I like the pimple popping too.

I actually had to get that out of my algorithms because I like it, but I couldn't see it in tandem with the jiggling brisket.

It was just like two.

It was

really dirty if a video popped up of Harry Styles.

Harry Styles cutting a brisket while popping a big spot on his face.

And slapping a lady's bum.

What if he slapped his spot and it jiggled like a lady's bum?

i think i just um

i don't know i think i'll probably just go into like two hours of paralysis yeah yeah i don't think i'd i think i'd just stop yeah yeah too much so hold on what's the dessert here is it funnel cake or is it is it pancakes and bacon and maple syrup yeah what do you think well i don't like pancakes and bacon and maple syrup i hate this bacon and maple syrup shit sure i don't like it what i don't like the sweet and savoury thing together i love the sweet and savory thing i think it's absolutely wonderful.

I love sweet and savory together.

I don't really.

So my girlfriend always does.

That's her pancake order.

Yeah.

It's always that.

I can't quite get on board of it.

Oh, fucking hell.

I had the best pancakes I've ever had the other day.

Oh, shit.

Talk us through it.

It's where's the, it's in Manchester.

And

the pancakes were just the fluffiest.

So on their own, they would have been the best pancakes.

Like, really fluffy, really flavourful.

Were they soufflé pancakes?

I think so.

Like it was these tiny souffle things.

They were massive.

They were big.

Yeah.

But like really delicious and like flavorful.

And on them, so they put a big knob of butter on there.

And then

had avocado.

Oh, no.

I'm out.

Asparagus.

No, I'm out.

Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah.

You really took it.

But you fucked it there because

you took us down the sweet path.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You didn't warn us that this was going to happen.

Well, this is the thing.

Poached eggs.

Oh, my God, no.

If someone gave me hot avocado, I'd fuck them up that way.

I know this sounds bad.

It was one of the nicest things I've ever.

It was so good.

Something and Gil.

Ezra and Gil in Manchester, those savoury pancakes.

You should have said savoury pancakes first.

Yeah, you should have done.

That was your mistake there.

No, no regrets.

Poached eggs, man.

Oh, no way.

It was so good.

Okay.

Can we go there next time we're in Manchester?

Yeah.

Can we get pancakes after that?

And there's plenty of sweet pancakes on there

as well.

I'd be having a two-course pancake meal.

French toast on there, I think.

It's a good

place.

So, yeah, I think I'd probably stick with the pancakes.

Yeah, very crispy bacon to go with the fluffiness of the pancakes, unlimited maple syrup.

And then at the end of that meal, what I like is we've employed Paul, the tour manager, to just administer a meat three Rennies.

Three Rennies, yeah.

Yeah.

That's big days on tour when it's three Rennie Days.

We have three Rennies.

Oh, it's a three-ranny day.

Yeah.

So that's a regular thing on tour.

Yeah, it's mainly Paul.

He'll say, oh, it's a three-ranny day.

It was a three-runny day.

Yeah.

Once he left his Rennies in the car and he had to make a dash to the car at 4 a.m.

to grab his.

He's going to get his Rennies.

God.

Yeah.

Poor Paul.

Yeah, I wouldn't like to.

Actually, he's Linda when he's getting the Rennies.

Yeah, that's pure Linda.

So is this

bacon pancakes?

Are they both menus?

No, no, no.

So I'm going to complete the sort of Italian theme and I'm going to go in with a Tiramasu.

Very popular.

Very popular.

Is it really?

Yeah, people love Tiramasu.

It's got everything.

Yeah.

I've said it before.

I've never really been a fan of Tiramasu.

I like it more these days.

Yeah.

I've grown up a bit and now I like a Tiramasu.

I used to hate it and then I've grown to love it and just think, what was there to hate before?

And I think it's probably because I like coffee now.

But the way that that soaks into the sponge.

The ladies' fingers.

That's what they're called.

That's what they're called.

Yeah, yeah.

He wasn't doing an extension of the ladies' button.

No.

Jiggles like a lady's fingers.

Jiggles like a lady's fingers.

Exactly.

No, they are called ladies' fingers.

The look on the face of a comic is just thought of loads of jokes you don't want to say.

Do you want to talk about the ladies' fingers?

Oh no.

Ladies' fingers.

I've gone into a state of paralysis.

Covered in cream, some ladies' fingers covered in ladies' cream

and ladies' coffee.

And loads of chocolate on the top.

Yeah, yeah.

Loads of chocolate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, loads of chocolate.

And what I like is it's self-sourcing.

You don't even need to add another source.

Everything's there.

Now chucking in phrases like self-sourcing.

As if that's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's self-sourcing.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think it can be self-sourcing, can it?

I mean, it doesn't

self-source, it doesn't source itself.

It's not like meat that produces juice that kind of like mixes itself or whatever.

This is like a dessert.

You put it together, you've put the stuff on it.

You put the sauce in there.

The ladies, my ladies' fingers.

Yeah,

self-sourced the ladies' fingers.

Well, no, I just think it's all there.

Like, you don't need to.

Another pudding, you might need to pour some cream over sure yeah yeah yes but it's not self-sourcing it's just like it's all encased it's all encouraged

yeah it's creamy it's a complete dessert really shut down the whimsy there boys very unlike you yeah sorry sorry I don't think it was whimsy I think you were being an absolute fool pervert

there was any whimsy involved in that whatsoever Chloe

sorry Chloe Pats

my girlfriend made me a tiramisu cake for my last birthday so it was like all of the elements of tiramisu but like a bit sort of more solid it was it was was honestly fantastic.

And she's vegetarian?

She doesn't eat loads of meat, but she will eat like

this is why I'm asking.

Because she would leave you for one of these menus and it sounds like she's not even that much of a veggie.

It's not the meat that she objects to.

It's like...

The relationship's on the rocks anyway, right?

Yeah, it's my opinion.

And it's different over the edge.

No, I think it's just like the piles of beige.

Like, I just think she thinks it's so unlike it's just so unrefined and like...

Yeah.

Also, you'd go to town on that second menu right you'd it'd be gross by the end because there's a lot of like smash it in your face yeah the toilet trip after would be yeah divorceable yeah i mean you're not even married yeah that's the thing that's how bad it would be i'd be right getting married right now so i can divorce you

in the toilet so long we go for a lifetime marriage divorce what so you think you'd be in the toilet so long We'd have to live our life.

That she would stand by the locked toilet door and someone would come and marry you.

Vic would come.

Your families would have to come and stand in the toilet while you're going, I'm so sorry about this, guys.

I do.

It was like this, they know.

Yeah, that's right.

And then the lawyer would be straight in, you're divorced.

Oh, no, I'm going to get my life back together.

I should have picked Prince Sheta.

It's hard, isn't it, to write comedy when the funniest thing in the world is someone panicking on a toilet?

Yeah.

How are we meant to do this job, really?

Outside of that.

The whole job is just trying not to write that routine.

I read you both your menus back now.

See how you feel about them.

Water, sparkling water, both menus.

Pophams are bread.

You want sourdough for catcher.

Guinness bread from Pophams, Jolene, with loads of pats.

Where was the Guinness bread from?

Cafe Cecilia.

Cafe Cecilia.

Starter, golfing menu, bruschetta.

Ghost menu, a full mini fry-up.

It sounded did not sound very mini when you did that.

Main course, Golfin menu, pasta with pistachio, pesto, cream and shrimp from

ghost menu, a big load of barbecue food.

We've got all the meats on there.

It's looking very nice.

Side dish, golfer menu, salad with fennel, orange, and dill.

The worst thing on the meat.

Ghost menu, cornbread, mac and cheese, collard greens, Texas toast, frickle, coleslaw, vinegar-based.

Drink, pint of pale ale on an empty stomach, then a glass of red wine to the groom to the groom.

Dessert.

Government menu to a masseu, ghost menu, pancakes with bacon and maple syrup, and then Paul goes to the car at four in the morning and gets three rennies.

Yeah.

I mean,

both good menus.

Both work.

I want to dip in and out, you know?

Well, I mean, you can do that.

I want to try that pasta.

That's the thing I want to try most.

That's really good.

I would say one of those menu lasts a day.

Yeah.

And one of them is like a little evening

with some friends.

Yeah.

I'm picturing, you know,

that you ate outside in Italy.

That's what I'm picturing in my head.

Nighttime outside.

Yeah, we did some nighttime outside-y jobs, yeah.

I'm imagining like a bower of

Helen Bauer.

Helen Bauer.

I'm imagining Helen Bauer, yeah.

Suddenly this meal got a lot less relaxing.

See, I know why that's the girlfriend menu and then the other one is not the girlfriend menu because if I ate that ghost menu, I couldn't even look at my wife, let alone kiss her.

The shame.

The shame.

Yeah.

There's no way after that menu anything's happening other than I'm going straight to the toilet.

Yeah.

And marrying Charlie again and then divorcing her.

Yeah, but no, there ain't no funny business happening after that menu, I'll tell you.

I'd roll onto my front, my stomach would flip me back onto my back.

You come in and go, can you call the plumber off, crack the toilet?

Yeah, crack the toilet, get the window open because I'm absolutely flooding this house with farts.

In fact, I'd have to sleep upstairs after that one.

Yeah.

I'd have to go in the the spare room.

Father Fuzz is such a wonderful image.

Yeah, just a constant stream.

Yeah.

Or the hair fall off a cat.

Chloe, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thanks for having me.

Chloe.

There we are.

Wonderful chat with the wonderful Chloe Pets.

Thank you, Chloe.

Chloe Pats.

Chloe Pats, as she'll be forever known now.

Thank you very much for coming on the show, Chloe.

Two menus.

It was a twofer.

Even more chance of saying the secret ingredient, especially because one of them was so meat,

not even focused, like just obsessed.

It was meat-obsessed.

So I thought cracking's going to come up soon.

There was not even any pulled pork on the barbecue platter, so she steered around that.

There were pork ribs.

Yeah.

And then the older pork scratchings did not come up.

Very luckily, hairy or otherwise, which means that we can tell you that Chloe's Chloe's on tour doing her brilliant show, Transients, which I saw at the Edinburgh Festival.

It already toured before Edinburgh due to popular demand.

She's back on tour in January, starting at the Soho Theatre.

Check out Chloe on socials and check out her website for more details of that.

See if she's coming to a town near you with Transients.

Yes, you will not regret it.

You will.

Fantastic show.

Fantastic comic.

And thank you, Chloe, for coming to the dream restaurant.

I've got four more days left on my tour if you're listening to this when it comes out.

If you're listening to this and you're in Barnstable, please come along.

I think there's some tickets available.

Also, the final three might have some tickets left.

Bath Forum, Coventry Warwick Art Centre, and Birmingham Alexandra Theatre is the final date of the tour.

Do come along if you want to see me and pets.

Ah, the double whammy.

The double cremir.

And of course, you can hear my voice on the score nutkin audiobook.

Yes, the James the Giant Peak audiobook and on my own audiobook, James A.

Casser's Guide to Quitting Social Media, Being the Best You Can Be, and Saving Yourself from Loneliness, Volume 1.

And of course, the great thing about audiobooks, they never sell out.

They never sell out.

You can get all...

If you've liked listening to my voice on the off-menu podcast, but not seeing me, then why not check out my many audiobooks?

If you're like,

I like James's voice, but I don't like when he's himself,

do check out Squirrel Nutkin.

Do check out Squirrel Nutkin because in that I'm a squirrel.

Yes.

We will be back next week with the final episode of the series.

Final episode of series eight, James.

I think we've done little clues in this Chloe Petts episode about who that might be next week as well.

Unless Benita has edited out the clues.

In which case, you'll have to try and determine.

Listen to the episode again.

Yeah.

Think about what you think's been cut out.

Yeah.

And then from that, you've got to get clues from it.

Thank you very much for listening.

We'll see you next week.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube?

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

we're on youtube with the great and good the coolest people in the world are on youtube me you logan paul who's logan paul the dad from succession at off menu podcast that's what benito's calling us now and we're on tick tock this is embarrassing man it's not embarrassing man we're cool we're like olivia rodrigo and ed people have been asking us badgering us bothering us actually they want to watch the stephen graham supercut from the stephen graham episodes they can see all of his reactions to us everything that he did Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.