Ep 168: Alison Spittle

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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I have.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

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Hello and welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Chopping the stalk of bad times off of the head of great laughs.

Using the stalk, but now what do we do with the heads?

It's the off-menu podcast.

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster and we have a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every single week.

We ask them their favour ever.

Start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week our guest is

Alison Spittle.

Alison Spittle, wonderful comedian, wonderful podcaster, brilliant laugh.

One of the best, one of the best comics, one of the funniest.

Really excited to have Allison on the podcast.

What an honor.

If you haven't heard her own podcast, Wheel of Misfortune, you've got to get on that.

It's such a great podcast.

However, even though we love Alison, if she chooses a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be disgusting,

then we will kick Allison out of the dream restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is

oh no gonna let the listener in uh on what's happened it's the reason my intro is so bad as well because I didn't really think about it

a reference to treat so properly pasta yeah but it also it fell apart didn't it Benito's not here he hit record because he had to take his dog out for a piss yes the dog so that's how much we need Benito

much bursting for a wee

and we're tight on time so Benito said I'm gonna do it yo I was gonna press record and see you later but we haven't decided what the secret ingredient is yet but uh we've got to decide before Alison gets here.

Let's go for

plops.

Huh?

Plops.

I can't do plops.

I think Alison will pick plops.

Anyway.

Red currant, red currants.

I mean, there is plops.

I guess, you know, there's that coffee bean that

an animal eats it and poo's it out.

Have we done that already?

Have we already done that?

I don't know.

Bonita's not here.

He's not here.

To reference, yeah, to check, cross-reference it and see if we've done it.

Red current, red currants.

Red currants.

Oh, he's coming back.

Skimmed milk.

Oh, skimmed milk's good.

Yeah.

Skimmed milk is mostly water.

Alright, skimmed milk.

Yeah.

If Alan picks skimmed milk, she's out.

Yeah, great.

Deal.

Hello, Toast.

Toast is back.

Bonita's back with him.

Toast hasn't just walked in and sat down.

I don't go in.

I tricked him.

I've locked him out of the house.

Like the Flintstones.

Right.

Probably start the episode.

Yeah, I'm on tour.

Edgamble.co.uk.

I think I'm on tour at this point.

Go and check it out.

It's going to be great.

Here is the off-menu menu of Alison Spittle.

Welcome, Alison, to the Dream Restaurant.

I'm very, very excited to be here.

Welcome, Alison Spittle, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh, my gosh.

Amazing.

I didn't think there'd be smoke involved as well.

You don't see it in the podcast.

No, exactly.

Extra smoke for you.

Thank you.

Good.

No, no, no, good.

I'm glad you did.

I'm glad you did.

I'm very, very excited about being here because I listen to the podcast, and when you listen at your leisure, you're kind of thinking, oh, I'd have that, and I'd have this and I'd have that.

And then I'm actually asked to be on it.

And then it became scary.

Then I was like, oh, you must mention your childhood favorite stuff.

It had to be.

So I'm very, yeah, I'm very excited, but very torn.

But I'm ready, I think.

Good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So have you decided to do like a menu that represents your entire life?

Or have you thought, oh, a menu that's just the one I'd like to eat the most right now at this point in my life?

That's a big problem as well.

I prepped real badly today.

I woke up and like I was doing stuff.

Sorry if I'm, I've just, my bra's just broken, so it's added a bit of...

In the moment, just now.

It just broke.

As you're an orchestra.

It's slowly stabbing me in the armpit.

Paying attention to me.

So this allowed like a frozan of

the podcast.

Really?

Oh, it might have happened before.

A bra breaker, but it might have happened.

Yeah.

But they haven't mentioned it.

We'll put a warning at the start of the podcast.

This episode's an official bra breaker.

So people know.

Unhook those bras.

Let them free.

We're going free race, baby.

So, yeah, look,

I've broken my bra already for this.

And And yeah, it's going to be like a representation of a lot of stuff.

I told my boyfriend about it and he said, you're taking the piss.

And I was like, well, you're not, James.

And like, what he would pick would be like old El Paso beef tacos for his main.

So I don't respect him.

No, you can't.

Come on.

Although, there's a time and a place for old El Paso and I respect the old El Paso now and again.

Hey, there's a time and a place, but I'll tell you what, the time and a place isn't.

It's your dream meal.

Absolutely.

That's it.

I think we're all on the same page.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

So suck it, Simon.

Yeah, but I, yeah, I probably am going to ask for a help of magic with this as well.

Well, you're a genius here, right?

So, yeah, yeah.

Well, happy to learn

the magic there.

Before we get into your menu, how often are these tacos coming up in your life?

Yeah.

Well, like, because we live together, I'd say about like, oh, in lockdown, a few times.

But there was a lot of nostalgic eating in the lockdown.

Yeah.

So I'd say four times in one year, which is probably more than I've ate old El Paso beef tacos in a decade.

You know what I mean?

It's a definite, it's a Haley's comet of food for me.

It's like, wow, it's here.

But yeah, so recently a bit, but like since the lockdown, not so much.

Yeah, what about ye?

I've not had them for a while.

Oh, yeah.

What are we talking about?

So they did the square shells.

Have you had the square shells before?

I have not, no.

So I think this is a fairly new...

I think old El Paso do these because obviously the taco shells are normally rounded and you

and they flop down, right?

They do like little suns.

But now

I think they do a flat bottom one so you can

put more tacos.

You can put more stuff for a start, more surface area, and then just put them, they're like freestanding.

Wow, you could write a song about it.

You could be like flat bottom tacos trying to rock and roll go around.

It's great that they've kind of looked at it and went it's structurally

innovated.

But I think for me, the fun of an old El Paso beef taco was, you know, being proud of yourself that you didn't break it before it got to your mouth.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you're taking that away.

Yeah, I like to eat my tacos without stabilizers.

I like to live a little.

Yeah.

So, yeah,

that's been, I mean,

I don't know why I've mentioned that.

That's Simon's thing now, and he's got his bit on.

But, like,

no, I think what you believe the words were suck it, Simon.

I don't think he's one in this at all.

He's sucking it.

it

go suck that tackle

oh the worst way to eat a taco it really is i wouldn't want to suck it

no it'd be like eating communion like a really big communion not is that about i'm i mean i was ex-Catholic I'm saying ex-consecrated right so

have I have my message

what in Catholicism you suck the middle out of a taco well you see you suck the wafer well I did but you were told it was rude to do that there's a lot of night chat about, I used to, so when you receive communion, you can take it by the hand or by the mouth, right?

And like, I would let the priest give it to me in the mouth because I thought

I'll be honest with you, Alison.

I was sat here going, okay, come on, Ed, you're better than that.

Don't make a joke about Catholicism and sucking it.

Yeah.

And I thought, we're going to be really mature and avoid this.

Yeah.

There's a number of points.

There was one of like

sucking it, and I thought in my head, no, don't do that, Jake.

And then it was, you can take it in the hand or take it in the mouth.

Don't say that.

I'm not going to jump on that.

And then it was

eventually, I would let the priest give it to me in the mouth.

Like, well,

how the hell are we meant to leave this?

It's because I'm left-handed.

Let's go.

Because you're supposed to take the communion.

So I'm going to think of a way.

If the priest places the communion communion in your hand, you take it with your right hand and you pop it in your mouth, right?

But if you're, I really have to think of a better word than take.

Okay, you receive it.

No.

You open your mouth

and he places the communion in your mouth.

And then you're supposed to then like,

he says something to you and you say it back.

He goes,

body of Christ, and I go, amen, right?

And I close the mouth.

I walk back to my pew and then you're supposed to sit down, have a prayer and let it kind of let the communion slowly like melt away on your...

Like a skip.

Like a skip.

Exactly like a skip.

But sometimes I would put my tongue up to the roof of my mouth, creating a glue.

And then you're afraid, because this is the body of Christ.

I am worried.

So,

and you're not allowed to chew.

You're not allowed to chew.

You're not allowed to chew.

You're not supposed to chew or look too happy while receiving the body of Christ.

It's supposed to be.

You're not supposed to go, mm.

Yeah, because genuinely it does taste nice.

Yeah.

It's like a little, it's a little wafer if people haven't had communion.

It better taste nice.

I know, yeah.

It is exactly.

It's the original, number one, son of God, you know.

So I've had, yeah, and it is like, like a tackle.

Like, I have felt when I was, when I was receiving communion before, like, it would be great with like a smear of like

cream cheese or something like that so like uh that is a nostalgic food for me that would be like my version of an old elbas

but you can't really get communion wafers like well they must buy them from somewhere right i yeah i wonder where they must buy that imagine imagine if you saw nasty they must do that

i was like wow

imagine seeing like a a priest like just like who's clearly just had a breakdown walking down the street eating eating a massive bag oh yeah but you can mean wafers like their like their chips just like straight into the mouth someone people have definitely done that like because as people that used to be servers so that was like uh children who would like um

they would be like the magician's assistants of priests basically and state and

so like i used to do that and um the kids used to steal the wine I really drink the wine.

Yeah, but we never, never fought like wafers as well.

like even though we'd access to what's the wine we never

um well i was about 11 so

points wine i suppose we did

very heady merlow

the priest just sips it and goes yeah i'll have that thank you very much

yeah

so uh yeah i feel so afraid now that i've excommunicated i mean i'm no longer i'm no longer catholic no longer catholic and i am mentally ill and i don't know if they're connected but

I still love a candle.

Like, you know.

Yeah.

And Catholics love candles.

You can buy like fancy candles that deliberately smell like the Catholic smell.

Can you?

Like a Yankee candle?

Yeah, well, it's even like...

Like freshly consecrated.

Yeah, but there's like you can buy that specific Catholic church smell.

No.

You can buy in like a really fancy candle.

And I love, I love that smell.

I would literally buy that.

Yeah, the incident that they're swinging around in the metal ball.

Oh, you see that?

I used to do that at funerals.

Oh, Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I used to earn about 20 quid.

It was great.

Nice.

You'd get money for weddings and funerals.

Yeah.

You know, you'd be sad that someone has died in your village, but you would be like, oh, my shift's coming up next week.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You can go bowling.

I'll have it.

That smell is great.

That takes me back.

So my grandparents were Catholic.

So whenever I went to my grandparents, we'd have to go to church.

Yeah.

And that, oh, nice smell.

I don't know what the smell is.

Oh, look, I'll bring you sometime.

One of my food bits is like,

well i'll tell you after well when it comes up i'll be quiet i'll let you take care of this

so we always start with still or sparkling water allison i'm gonna go still right i don't have strong no people have strong feelings towards sparkling i'll have it if it's there and if i if i want it but like uh when i was a kid of course didn't like it but i'm gonna go for still probably tap to be honest with you yeah uh yeah because i don't like i don't like big bottles of um cold still water coming to you It runs out and

you just have to buy another one.

But if you get it in a tap, they can go back to the kitchen, put on a tap and pop it in.

I hate paying for water as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels wrong, doesn't it?

It really does.

It feels like I'm wiping my arse with a £10 note.

Just like,

I could do that.

I'm sorry.

I've been so excited about going on the podcast.

I've gone straight to toilet humour.

I'm so sorry.

Well,

Ellie's a swing up for him.

I'll priest give it to me in the mouth.

Yeah, yeah, so don't worry.

Nowadays.

Okay, sorry, yes, yeah.

Nowadays, I think wiping your ass with a £10 note is going to be harder because they're like water resistant.

Well, I thought that would be a

bonus.

You could wash it off and use it.

That's true.

That is true.

Yeah, yeah.

It's actually probably cheaper than toilet paper.

Like a squidgey.

Yeah.

So you would like tap water?

from any particular region?

Because obviously tap water's different wherever you go.

I mean not London, if I'm being honest.

Probably my village, but there's there was like there was this cryptosporidium outbreak, which is like what gives you a terrible diarrhea.

And that was there a couple of years ago for someone at that time.

You try to steer it back onto the clean.

Everyone in my village has diarrhea.

You go overdrawn at the cash machine in your village.

So,

yeah, I'd love it from my village from now and not when the lake is polluted.

I'd be quite happy.

What's the village?

Do you want to shout out?

Ballymoor.

It's called the town at two ends and no middle.

And that's because there is a pub at the top of the hill and then a little pub at the bottom of the hill and nothing much in between.

But my house and estate is in the middle.

I live in a place with no name in a way.

Bring me the triangle.

Yeah, bring me the triangle.

Yeah, no one knows where your place is there's like a castle in my council estate i come from a council estate with like a really big jacobite castle and we used to play like wars and stuff until like one kid got a rock thrown on his head and then the farmer blocked it up so we couldn't go in the castle anymore blocked up the castle yeah not his head yeah really sad and like the farmer blocked the kid's head up

right you're not playing with that anymore

Such a twee lovely story for a second there.

We'd all play around a castle and then a a gig caught a lot of the flies happening and like, oh no, that's it.

The farmer blocked the castle up.

Diddy, diddy, did it.

What was your favourite pub?

Top of the hill or bottom of the hill?

Top of the hill was a bit more happening.

Yeah.

Because there used to be a chip shop in a garage there.

And this chip shop was called Friar Tucks or Jackie Chips colloquially because the woman who owned it was called Jackie and we call her Jackie Chips

because she ran a chip shop.

I mean, I know already that it's exactly Ed Center.

No, that's perfect.

Is that there's someone called Jackie Chips who owns a chip?

Also, I just love anybody that has a name already.

Fryer Tucker, like I'd imagine Fryer spelt like a chip fryer.

Yeah, lovely name.

They spent a while coming up with that.

They're probably really proud of themselves.

And everyone calls it Jackie Chips because the woman who runs it is called Jackie.

In the chip shop, there's a menu.

There's like, it's with a computer printed menu on it.

And then she wrote a handwritten identity um

what do they call it when you when you make an extra meal she made this extra meal called the bull box because there's this man called the bull who wanted sausages and chicken and chips uh in a in a in a sack so like we she created a new meal for him the bull box the bull box so he could come in and go the bull box please

know a bit more about the bull to be honest

yeah i think it's probably because of his like is he's quite a tall muscular

uh like he would tear you apart he's very like he's

straight in a fight sense you know but I don't think he needs to uh but he does need chips and sausages and chicken and yeah chicken he wants all of his protein and he he would also like the way you would have a conversation with him you you you're me so you say hello bull and I'll be bull hello bull yeah

how are you

how's the how's the bull box today

Do you know what's happening with me like that?

And yeah, you know, for me, I'd understand.

Do you know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, that's the bull.

He just sounds like he's full all the time, to be honest.

Yeah, because

the full ball,

he's having a bull box a day.

Yeah, so it was quite a, yeah, Jackie Chips was quite a full book.

What's Jackie Chips like as a person?

She's good.

Do you want to hear it?

She doesn't own the chip shop has closed down because of the pandemic and everything like that.

So Jackie Chips is still Jackie Chips.

Yeah.

But she no longer has a chip shop.

Oh, that's heartbreaking.

That's tough for her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But she's just Jackie now.

What's the ball doing for food these days?

I don't know.

I just want to draw attention to the fact that Benito's dog has been sat at the window watching the whole record.

I mean, we can let him in if you want, but like...

It does, it does have a lot of fun.

It's been quite nice.

It causes absolute fucking chaos with the nervous system.

Last time he finally got to sleep on James's lap and then James screamed Poppadom's up bread bread and woke him up.

Yeah, oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Speaking of which, pop it up.

I'm gonna go.

I've had a think about it.

I'm gonna go for prawn crackers.

Oh yes.

You've been waiting for this.

Someone's finally done it.

I'm gonna go for prawn crackers.

I used to work in a Chinese takeaway when I was a teenager.

Yeah.

And the first job they gave me was I had to bag up the prawn crackers.

And the boss said to me, Alison, you can eat as much as you like.

You don't have to worry.

Like, don't ask us.

Have as many prawn crackers as you like.

Now, I was a fat teenager, so I really took him up on that.

And I destroyed myself.

I absolutely just had to sit myself in a corner and have a word of myself.

I absolutely destroyed the prawn crackers.

And I never ate another prawn cracker for as long as I worked for him.

So I would bag it up and it would be nothing to me.

I think he did that with everyone who works on the prawn crackers.

I think he did.

I think he knew what was going to happen.

I think he did.

I love a prawn cracker.

For me,

it's the best part of the Chinese takeaway from me.

Sorry, just burp there.

Oh my god, brass break, and I'm a birthday.

Some people would pay top money for that.

So, like, do you have a burp after the priest give it to you in the mouth?

That's for when you're thankful for your meal, isn't it?

I think they prefer silence.

So like

when I would have the Chinese meal on my lap in the back of the car, you know, it's a half an hour to get to my house from the Chinese takeaway.

My sister would put her hand,

she's sitting in front, she would put her hand around the back of the

back of the seat and kind of mime to me in a way that's like one of those, like a hook.

And we would call it the prawn cracker tags because she knows I'm eating them.

So I would give it to her and she would eat the prawn crackers in silence and then mum would get out of the car and go where's all the prawn crackers

we tricked you

so the thing I love about prawn crackers yeah is you put them in your mouth and they melt yeah it's a Chinese comedian way it genuinely is it genuinely is I look at

but it's way tastier like if Jesus tastes like prawns I mean that's what you're getting

it's great um and what I would have like you know the way with bread and everything with the pop and dumps and bread you have have dips so what I'm going for the prawn crackers is we're gonna have small little bowls that are in the size of like sauce bowls but with actual Chinese meals in them.

So I'd pop them in the is that taking the mix?

I love that like so so I'd like use it as a spoon pop it in

genuinely prawn crackers so like mini Chinese mini meals.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah.

So what's what are the little bowls got in them?

Well we got one right we're gonna have like oh okay like a big bit of big bit of pineapple in one of them right so like it's a sweet and sour chicken mix, I'm thinking, like crispy chicken, but a big bit of pineapple, some peas, a bit of like egg fried rice.

You pop it in, you break it.

The first bit of your mouth is just touching off prawn cracker.

You're like, what's this?

And then you break in and the cells of all the pineapple just blast all over your mouth.

And it's beautiful.

Like it's an acidic hit that's getting me every time.

So I'd have that.

And then I would have like dan dan noodles, even though they wouldn't go over prawn cracker, but I'm just feeling it, right?

I want it.

Then we're going to go like curry uh i don't care about meat like i'm a meat eater but for me on a menu it's the stuff that goes with the meat that like makes me order something so i'm gonna go for like a bit of like a bit of curry and uh a barbecue sauce when i worked in the chinese takeaway I was vegetarian at the time, except for the prawn crackers.

And the guy who worked there would be like, don't eat the barbecue sauce.

And I was like, why?

And he's like, just don't.

So I think there's meat in it.

So I'm going to have that.

And it's going to be beautiful.

And I had a great time working at the Chinese takeaway because they would make meals, especially for me.

And

it was very stressful, though.

Because

the first day I was working there, a man came up to me and he goes, the usual, please.

And I was like, ah, it's my first day.

And he goes, would you fuck off?

And I was like.

So this man really wanted his usual.

Yeah, and refused to elaborate on what the usual was.

So I went back into the kitchen.

I was like, there's a man asking for the usual.

And the woman goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, hot curry, garlic sauce, right?

So this guy wanted a hot beef curry with garlic mayonnaise dripped in it.

I wouldn't really want to tell you that.

I know.

That's the unusual, I think.

Yeah.

Who ran the Chinese takeaway?

Who ran it?

A guy called Han.

This no longer exists.

I know, maybe I'm a curse on stuff, but it doesn't like...

Maybe it's time for Jackie to buy a new restaurant.

Maybe it is.

Jackie noodles.

Jackie noodles.

Let's go back to the...

You said

one of them would be curry.

Yeah.

Now, the only reason I'm pressing on this is because my favourite thing to have prawn crackers with is Thai green curry.

I think it's delicious.

So now that's why I wanted some specificity on that.

But are you talking about the Thai prawn crackers?

No, just like even normal prawn crackers, I like them with,

so I love the Thai prawn crackers, but I'd say just regular prawn crackers, I like them with like chicken Thai green curry.

It's delicious, the way they soak it up.

I'm gonna go for like like the like the Chinese-Irish style curry, which is like full of corn flour and very thick.

Yeah, like the gloopy, like

curry.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

The guy who would be making the brown crackers would just get like a, almost like a butterfly net and just put put it into the deep fat fryer and then flick it like, and I'd have to avoid the hot spills and stuff and then just bag it up.

He would flick it into the air out of the fryer.

Well, like, you know, it's thicker as far as me to you, I'd say.

So like that's yeah.

Yeah,

that's pretty irresponsible.

That's like flipping it out of the fryer some distance across the room.

Into this pit, into this like straight pit that I...

I can't believe you ever left this place.

Unless you're getting hot oil tossed over yourself, you'd get a massive rock flying at your head if you walk past the castle.

Yes, I did leave under like cloudy circumstances.

Oh yeah?

Great.

So my job was to be front of house, do the prawn crackers, and also my job was to put rice into cartons.

So they would do the cooking, the three people that were in the kitchen.

But there'd be a big vat of boiled rice or egg fried rice.

And one day the lady asked me for a rice carton.

So I gave her the foil one because I thought that's what she wanted.

but through miscommunication i didn't understand that she wanted the plastic case which which would be for special fried rice and she used to have a stick and uh she hit me with the stick and she went wrong carton and then i left

So, that was the class.

I've took that as I've been sacked, obviously.

Yeah,

and uh, yeah, so that was.

I mean, you said I loved working in this place.

All we've heard so far is someone's told you to fuck off, you've had hot oil thrown over you, and someone hit you with a stick.

Buy all the prawn crackers that I could ever want.

That's true, yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

You're looking at like all the prawn crackers you've never been flung at you

straight with a fry.

If you manage to eat any of them, congrats to you.

It's extreme prawn crackers.

Come in.

Trying to catch them out of the air like a dog with a frisbee.

Like a mistress or something.

Getting hit with a stick, like Yoda.

That's like

Yoda's trading Luke in the bed, rock box.

Yeah.

Luke just walking off going, I've had enough for me a short film.

Come on, R2.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

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Your dream starter.

My dream starter is soup.

So I'm gonna go for soup.

This is where your magic comes in.

It's gonna be mystery soup, and I don't know what I'm getting until it's in my mouth.

There's the logic behind it.

Yep, because this involves a priest, I believe.

Yeah,

he would part the soup like the Red Sea.

What's he parting it with?

So,

what I'm going for is like, so my granny, Minnie, she is a woman, she's a woman that like, she's not the best cook in the world, but she would make soup.

And sometimes the soup would be incredible.

And sometimes the soup would be like leftover lamb stew with a can of tuna thrown in on top of it.

Because

she's, my gran's a hard worker, but she's not the best with reading and stuff, right?

So she would just like, once she used Tabasco as like a tomato-based sauce and like the kids here this is a story that's passed down generations of like a child receiving a full spaghetti bolognese with just all tabasco in it and they're coughing and she thinks that they're pulling a prank so she's just turned to anger and they've had to eat the whole tabasco so instead of tomato it was all tabasco it was all tabasco it was all tabasco I remember.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

I was thinking, oh, that's a heartening story.

And then I was actually, no.

No, it was like chemical warfare.

That kid.

That kid was lucky to be alive.

She's got superpowers, that kid.

She's like, yeah, she's a great woman.

Reading isn't her best thing, right?

She used to work in the Typhoo Tea Factory in England.

And because she was so small, they used to throw her in a big vat of tea.

And then she would have to find bugs and stuff and pull it out because she was such a small lady.

And let's just get this straight.

Her name's Minnie.

Yeah,

Blannie Minnie.

Used to get phoned in a big bat of tea.

Yeah.

To fish all the bugs out.

And

she would get bonuses for all the bugs.

And

one time she thought she'd make more money and she got like a butterfly from the garden.

No, no, Alison, please.

Please, Alison, no.

And she was brought up to HR because they were like,

this butterfly is not like indigenous to the country that this tea came from.

So obviously, she's been lies.

You brought in your own bugs, Minnie.

Not an Irish butterfly in the day.

Oh my god, I love that.

So

she would make different types of soup.

And me and my cousin Antony, she would go have some soup and we would like push each other and go have it, have it.

Because if it was good, it was real good.

But someone had to be brave enough to try the soup.

So the mystery soup could be different soups for my life.

I got loads of favourite soups.

Funeral soups is a big one.

And that's a no.

In Ireland, the catering of a funeral is very important.

And one of my favourite things at a funeral, apart from like, you know, celebrating someone's life or whatever, is the opportunity to eat funeral soup, which is just mass-produced vegetable soup that you get from Bouillon or whatever and but it's so salty and it just hits you and it's that kind of thing of like when you're crying it tastes like tears it's so salty and it's good so you drink it and you're like

like that and you can feel your whole mouth dry

feels like a disrespectful sound to make it if you're okay

like a big Coca-Cola advert or whatever

and like what I would do is like one of my favorite things is to get like one of those petit pans that you often get with a soup and I would like bite the top off like a grenade and I would get my tongue in and I was like

there's no other way.

I would maneuver my tongue around to take away the soft bit of bread from the hard bit of bread and I would suck it right.

Yeah.

See it's like it's like it's almost like a tropical fruit but this is bread and then I'd have like a whole mouthful of bread.

I'd hold that out and then I would take that out of your mouth.

I'll take that out of my mouth.

Take the bread out your mouth.

Take the soft bread out of my mouth, have that in one hand

and then i would fill the crusty the crusty dimi baguette that's been like just it's a it's a husk now at this point and i'd fill it with uh vegetable soup yeah and i would call that like a it's like a savoury kind of rare rochet in a way you're just you're just

enjoying all the textures.

Now, I completely understand this.

Good, good.

You've got the

crispy bit and then you fill it with soup.

The bit I question is the technique.

Okay.

I'm pretty sure you could do that with a knife.

100

you you could get a knife or a spoon or whatever any cutlery cut the inside out of a bread bowl uh and then fill it what you've done you've licked it out yeah

kept it held it in your mouth not swallowed it not eaten it i would have just or if i was using my mouth i'd just eat the middle yeah but you reach into your mouth you take it out and you just hold it in your hand

while you're doing the rest of it yes for dipping then after you know you got you dip your big gobby bread ball and isn't that gobby my mouth is dry from soup

sorry your mouth's dry because you drank all the funeral tears

it's a good soup i i love it there's a another soup that i like uh i mean you got french onion that's all right yeah um that's good sorry i mean it's great a brief shout out to the fact

i've been i went to morocco and uh i was there for a month doing a film and a thing and um in the garages like in ireland our food culture is quite garage based i feel like it's been talked about before where like you get chicken rolls and stuff like that and that's like kind of like Irish food and in Morocco they've like big big turins of um lentil soup and it's beautiful and you have a bit of lime and they have it for breakfast and stuff and I think there should be more soup for breakfast I think soup soup all the time would be quite good yeah yeah and I um I've tried to make ramen myself and I made it with like a pork-based kind of stock cube and it smelled like piss so

but that's my fault do you know what i mean yeah you you can't blame the the japanese no no no no it was a piss bouillon it was like it was like a urinal cake or something

so but these are my mystery soups i don't know what i'm getting until i get it and we're also going to pop in the lamb and tuna thing just to keep it alive you know like have those tomatoes yeah soup revel so you might get something rubbish yeah but i mean i'm i'm imagining that for your dream meal

you would like to know that that is in there but not get it that would be great wouldn't it but i can't know that i'm not going to get it either you know what i mean you have to threaten me yeah i like to eat with fret

so you want to know it's in there you might get it but you ultimately don't and that makes it even better that makes the soup you get even better yeah drawn loads of pots of soup all in the same pot with lids on on like a lazy susan and then you spin them around i was thinking right Because I did think about this.

We got genie technology here.

And

there was a doll that I used to have as a kid called My Baby Allgone.

And he used to have this song called My Baby All Gone, You Make It All Gone.

And it had a special spoon in it with like three cherries in the spoon.

And you'd pop it against the doll's lips and it would pop away.

So I think the technology is within the spoon that I'm getting like a spoon of nice soup.

You're rocking back and forth.

I'm just really trying to work out what this has to do with My Baby All Gone.

I haven't thought about My Baby Orgone for years.

Is that the doll that would do like a shit in a piss?

No, it would eat the food.

I remember my baby organ and the free cherries on the spoon on the spoon.

The freedries on the spoon.

I've been on the theme tune.

I haven't thought about it since I was like...

How would you get the cherries back?

Well, the cherry, well, do you want the real answer?

Like

the technology?

Yeah.

So I think the spoon is quite thick at the arm bit.

Right.

So I think the cherries are hiding in the arm.

And then you press the little button, the cherries come out.

You're pushing back against the cherries and it pops back in.

So, right, it doesn't go

the doll at all.

No, no.

It's like a trick knife.

Right.

Yeah, I was going to say a dog's penis, but yeah.

Better, trick much, better.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it's a mystery soup.

I still don't see what my baby organ spoon has to do with what you were saying.

Do you know what?

I'm saying there's magic, right?

Right, okay.

So

James doesn't know.

I think the soup is the cherries.

It's within the arm of the spoon.

okay so you so you don't there's no big soup bowl no it's just the spoon i'm getting a soup injection in the in the spoon what is that hold on it's even more confusing what what's going on

i've got a spoon that's the handle's loaded with soup and you're gonna eat it yeah you're gonna feed it to me yeah

and if i press it against your mouth what happens because like soup comes out but but with my baby organ

the uh you you you press the the cherries are on the trees yeah the cherries are on the spoon oh it's the river and when you push push it in the baby's, my baby old one's mouth.

It's a my baby's still here.

The cherries go into the handle.

My baby's still here.

It's a my baby's still here.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't be putting an empty spoon to your mouth and then squirting soup in.

Do you know what?

I thought about this too long that I fought myself out of the logic of this podcast, haven't I?

But

that is what I want.

So if we can make that happen.

I mean, look, I love soup.

Yeah, sure.

I'm in a soup WhatsApp group.

Do you wanna have a look?

I want you to describe it to me first.

Just when, I think.

Well, let's move on to the next one.

Well, clearly, we're not letting this guy.

She's in a soup WhatsApp group.

There's a soup WhatsApp group called Soup Share.

Now, it's been suggested to the originator of this soup WhatsApp group that we should be called Soup Group.

And someone suggested that, and she kicked him out.

So she's a very strong leader.

I've been in it for five years.

This soup group.

So is it people, when they make soup, they update the group yeah when they make soup when they order soup at a restaurant they rate it it was originated because this lady wanted to do a golden soup week which was where she would eat soup five days of the week in different places right and i was inspired by that and she she was on twitter and she asked if anyone wanted to join her soup whatsapp group and i went in full full whammy

and yeah you don't know this person I don't know her that well.

I've met her a few times, but like she's not...

Yeah, she's more of a Twitter friend, but she lives in Dublin.

Yeah.

So like I met her a few times.

She was very nice.

She came to a play that I put on.

Yeah.

And like, you know, if I see her, I'll say hello.

But I feel bad about calling people friends.

Do you know?

And they might go, I don't,

where were you when

my mum died or whatever?

I'm like, oh, well, I'm not that close.

Well, you should have gone to the funeral, yeah.

You'd have been straight there.

I would have been in my

so like, yeah.

Is she wearing soup earrings?

I've just realised.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah.

Your earrings are bowls of soup.

3D bowls of soup.

They're bowls of soup, yeah.

I got them off a website.

I thought, yeah.

Perfect.

I've got a chicken nugget hair clip as well, but I thought that'd be too much today.

I thought.

Absolutely love it.

Yeah, I was like,

I don't wanna overwhelm these people.

How often is the

group where you talk about soup being...

The more I say it, the...

The crazier it is that it's not called the soup.

Absolutely ridiculous.

I think we can change that.

And even funnier that she kicked someone out and suggested.

It's a logical thing.

It was really, really active for a couple of years.

I'd said slow down a bit now.

I mean, people have just got over lockdown and are living their lives a bit more.

But, like, we're always there.

And also, if anyone on soup group, David Adarthy's in the soup group, but he's very silent at it.

He barely contributes.

Yeah.

He's not making soup.

Kind of thing.

Donald's is always going to join that as soon as possible, but then go, well, I've got nothing to

contribute to this.

I'm just happy to be here.

So like, like, if anyone, there's a guy who's like a chef, and sometimes he goes on TV and there'll be a little message in the soup group going, I saw Super Marcus.

And we call each other supers.

And it's like a little, it's like, it's like being in the Freemasons, I think, with soup.

Very similar.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel like we support each other.

And then obviously, if you have a soup, are you taking a photo of that and sharing it on the soup?

And then they could rate your soup.

They could look at the crouch-ons and go, like, I like that.

I like what they've added toasted almonds whatever we we will often say uh t-ut

which means talk us through and then they would have to go into more detail about how the soup was made or where they could i don't hate it

i gotta love it i love it i kind of love it actually the whole thing is like i barely know anyone in it like it's great has anyone ever posted a picture of a soup that they had that they were proud of that they made or had at a restaurant where everyone's just laid into them oh no we're we're very supportive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's supportive.

Yeah, it's supportive.

Yes, yes, it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Add me later.

If you want to get in, if you want to get in, absolutely.

I mean, yeah, I don't know how supportive it's going to be when Ed joins.

Ed will speak his mind.

Will you say, like, change it to soup group?

Yeah, yeah, you'll hear the first thing I do.

Hey, guys, I'm reading my friend Ed.

Right, there's going to be some changes around here.

Changes it to soup group, somehow makes himself the head admin.

There's a soup coupe.

Yeah, like our coupe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your dream main course.

Okay, so I'm going for a pasta cream bean dream,

which is

a real recipe.

You get kicked out of the group for that sort of thing.

I would probably, pasta cream bean dream is actually a recipe from an Ainsley Harriet cookbook called Meals and Minutes.

And my mother used to have that cookbook.

And my family, I'm coming from a family of like four kids.

Well, I got four sisters, but my one sister, I don't know why I'm explaining to them.

One sister lives in England and was brought up with my dad and his wife.

And she's lovely.

And she probably is going to listen to this.

So hello, Ellen.

She has Pasta Cream Bean Dream as well.

But in her own house, like, like, she's,

I'm really talking myself into a family row here.

But what I'm saying is, shout out to Ellen.

But the memories I'm talking about is like when I was a kid and there was like all my little sisters, they were all fussy in different ways.

They all had different food problems and whatever.

And there was this meal that my mum made.

And we all hated the idea of it because the recipe is it's pasta, you cook it, you bacon lardon's onion, and you cook the onion like really soft and everything that's chopped up quite nice.

Then when the pasta is nearly done, you throw in some green beans on top of the pasta, and then you cut up some lettuce, and

you

put in some vegetable stock on top of the bacon and the onions, cook it up a bit, throw in some crame frache, and kind of put it on a low so it's like I can't.

And then you throw the lettuce on top, and then the pasta on top.

And oh, sorry, I was just burping there.

On the cheese.

I should not have drank drank a fizzy drink water.

Do you know why it is?

Because I just don't want to pay for one.

I was like, oh, free coke.

But I'm being hindered.

So, like,

it's a recipe that we all thought would be disgusting.

And then when we ate it, it was incredible.

It was like so, so good.

And all of us liked it.

Every one of us liked it.

Like, my dad, my mum, my dad, when he lived with us at the time,

painted quite the portrait.

But like,

the one thing we all agree on.

You know, Pastor Cream Bean Dream.

This is probably the one podcast my dad will listen to because he's heard of you.

Do you know like a lot of stuff I've achieved in Ireland?

And he's like, oh, I don't know what that is.

Do you know what I mean?

But it was like Pastor Cream Bean Dream was like a great kind of family recipe.

So that was, and then that was also taken over.

Your dad took

that dream.

He took that to his new wife and child.

Hello, Don and Ellen.

They're great.

We're very happy

as a

family.

Family unit?

Yeah, yeah.

We're two branches that share in the love of pasta cream bean dream.

So did he...

When he was living in Ireland,

was he making the pasta cream bean dream?

Or was someone else making it?

And when he moved, he learned how to make it himself or he got someone else to make it for him?

My dad is like a bit of a modern man in a way.

way he used to so i'm i was born in england and i moved over to ireland when i was six years old and when i moved over to ireland i had quite an english accent and everything and and quite like english kind of cultural stuff i cannot imagine this i know

i loved like picnic food you know like scotch eggs and stuff which in ireland at the time no one had heard of they saw witchcraft and like you know and my dad used to make me my lunch and he would make like tomato sandwiches with a bit of salt on the tomato with butter and bread and like my Irish colleagues well school colleagues school friends

children

you're really suspicious of calling people friends

hello my colleagues

how are you another day at the cold face

I trust you enjoyed your weekend

I'm just enjoying a Scotch egg

don't mind me

So, but the kids used to be really freaked out by the lunches that I had.

And they would be like, what the hell is that?

So, I was always very used to like kids thinking that everything I ate was kind of disgusting and everything.

So, like, any time my friends would come around, my mum would have to have, like, chicken nuggets in the freezer for my mates because, like, because we would cook mad food.

It would be, like, it was the nineties.

It was really like the world was the oy, the our oyster.

My dad used to make curries and stuff.

And, uh, oh, what I used to love about my dad is like, sometimes I don't know what I'm gonna say, felt what he loved.

Ah, he loved.

So, Sometimes when dad felt that he wasn't being like

respected or like he felt he'd done too much work within the house, he goes, oh, we're just going to put a brush up my ass.

And that was his little catchphrase.

Yeah.

And then when I figure it out, I'm like, what, brush?

Like, what was that?

I presume it was sweet.

What did he think was happening there?

Yeah.

So is that to suggest that he does so much work, he may as well put a brush up his ass and brush everywhere he goes, right?

Makes sense.

Oh, yeah.

That makes sense.

I didn't think of that.

You were both thinking that it was bristles first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought it was a brush from a dustpan and brush.

And it was bristles first with a little handle poking out of the top.

Why don't I just do that?

That's what I was putting on.

I just do that, shall I?

Why, Doug?

Never mind.

Actually, yeah, it's got a broom.

Yeah, it's a broom.

That's very clever.

Up his ass, so wherever he goes, he's brushing up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so he would cook.

My mum would cook as well, but like, that was a big family recipe that they would all do together.

And it was nice.

It was great.

Pasta cream bean dream.

Pasta cream bean dream.

And for Christmas, my mum bought me an Ainsley Harriet cookbook of Meals and Minutes.

because I like that recipe.

And I now cook it for my boyfriend.

So it's like a real, like,

a real throwback from the 90s.

Does it sound tasty to you?

Yeah.

The lettuce is a curveball.

No, so basically the name pasta cream bean dream sounds bad.

Really?

Sounds like that won't be tasty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A few things in the thing, the lettuce on top.

It's a few things made me think, I'm not sure that sounds tasty.

But then when you said you don't think it's going to be delicious and then it's delicious,

I was like, oh, well, cool.

So, yeah, so far I've thought, no, it doesn't sound very nice.

And then you're like, no, it's delicious.

Well, I'll trust that.

Yeah.

No, it's good.

It's real good.

It's really, really tasty.

And you have to have it fresh.

Like, it congeals.

Like,

like all good food.

Yes, sure.

So you got to kind of have it fresh, fresh pasta cream bean dream.

And

yeah, we really, really liked it.

But none of my mates liked it.

I remember once my friend, we're about 15, I introduced my friend to hummus and she loved it.

And I felt great.

Like,

I somehow just felt like, wow, I'm really spreading this hummus around, like as if

it was.

really, yeah, yeah, because she asked the head of the trend.

She was like, what's in it?

And I was like, I actually don't know.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely brought hummus to West Mead.

That's good.

I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, well done for calling her your friend just now.

I we can

oh, I definitely consider her a friend.

Yeah, I got in a fight for her.

Like, that's a friend.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, well, like, yeah.

Well, no, no.

She kissed someone's boyfriend, and then they got a bit aggro.

Sounds like you're on the right side of history there, Arthur.

They got a bit aggro, yeah.

That's the...

You merely said it as if it was the other person's fault there.

They got a bit territorial.

Oh, you picked one friend.

A little bit of selfish person.

Their boyfriend.

I think it's the boyfriend's fault, my personally.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, so he someone's boyfriend, uh, they got a bit outgrown.

You beat up the

hospitalized the woman.

I didn't hospitalize them, but I did.

What did I do?

I'm very good with like, I'm short and I'm quite stocky, and I could feel like they tried to knock me over, and it's like knocking over, like, um,

what are one of those dolls that have a

doll?

Here we go.

My baby stand up.

You never know.

You throw cherries at them, and they never go down.

They just say, nice try.

Yeah,

they tried to fight, but it was just they couldn't knock me down.

So like, they just stopped after a while.

Okay, we have to get to the bottom of what doll this is, though.

Oh, it's um, okay, so it's like shaped like a skittle, like a bowling, like a bowling skittle.

Yeah.

But it's got like a big round arse on it, like instead of like a

and it just like a weeble.

Is it a weeble?

Is that a weeble?

That's a week.

Is it a weeble?

Is that the weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.

Weeble wobble, yeah.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's really like a weebel.

Yeah, I'm a weevil.

That's it.

I am a weeble

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Your dream side dish.

If we were being logical, a side dish for pasta cream bean dream would be like a garlic bread.

But garlic bread is not even in my top 200 side dishes.

I would say, like it's fine, but it's so much better than that.

So I'm going to go for a stewed red cabbage because I really like stewed red cabbage.

And lamb skewers.

That's what I'd have.

Hold on.

What?

I couldn't decide between lamb skewers um I've had these like lamb skewers in London my friend Fern who I did a podcast with like she's introduced me so number one she messaged me to ask us where she's okay with booking a place for two weeks in Dublin for us to eat food.

Like she's very like organized.

She knows what she wants.

And the first place she brought me was this place that I can't remember, but it's in London.

And it's a Chinese with lamb skewers and they're incredible.

They were like the best things I've ever eaten.

In fact, also this is another thing.

I'd love to bring to the dream restaurant condiments like for the whole thing.

Your own condiments?

Yeah.

Well the dream restaurant will have them there but there's on the table.

Yeah.

So I'd like some white mausu ryu which is like um it's a type of like keynote sesame seed oil chili based jar and it's very tasty.

You can have it on rice and you can have it on like scrambled eggs or avocado.

Yeah, three things that you've not picked.

Yeah,

I'm gonna try it on my pasta green bean dream and we'll see how we get on.

The perfect condiment for nothing that you're having.

Oh, you should, the book is all stuck together and everything that Ainsley Harriet won from

from the 90s but um anytime that there's red cabbage on a menu and no matter the meat or no matter what it's served with I order I always order it and it's normally disappointing but like I like to dream and I like to be happy

and it is like yeah yeah yeah and I love I love that kind of I love that flavouring I was nearly torn between having

so uh because I'm from our well I would consider myself to be from Ireland because my accent and stuff like that and I hate um English sausages and so I feel like my have you had Irish sausages yes yeah I think so little pink lads they're good they're really tasty but here your sausages are like overly herbed uh quite coarse meat and the the thickness of your skin is just like I don't know what you're trying to protect the pork from it honestly is like minced meat in a Johnny like it's disgusting to me I love English sausages do you love English sausages I just don't like a prophylactic with my like you know I've never noticed the thickness of the skin.

Oh, you will now.

Put it to your teeth.

I swear, it's very, it's very thick.

But what the thing that I love from Britain that I brought over to Ireland that the Irish couldn't, you know, stop me from loving was tinned tomatoes on my fry-up.

Now, I am in a, I'm in a WhatsApp group for fry-ups as well.

Is it all the same people from the soup group?

Some of them.

There's a definite Venn diagram.

Have you ever thought of maybe combining the two groups?

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, look, could you combine soup and a fry-up?

It's called Come Fry With Me.

Better.

There's definitely more criticism within the fry-up group.

Yeah, people get very defensive with that sort of stuff.

Yeah,

a lot of airport fries and stuff like that.

Ask James what he has on his fry up.

James, what do you have on this?

First thing, see what you think of this.

Okay, what do you have in your fry-up?

Okay, don't look at Ed for it.

Okay.

Obviously, tell you.

Do you want me to look away?

Or do you want me to look at it?

Do you say more?

Do you want to say more?

Give me feedback on what you think.

Okay.

Scrambled eggs.

Huh?

What do you think about that?

Compared to what?

Like, compared to the...

Just any other eggs?

That's the only egg.

I have scrambled eggs on my fry.

What do you think?

I'm thinking, what do you dip your sausage into?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Is that the trick?

Yes.

What you're dipping your junnies into.

Yeah, you're bringing them.

Sausage and beans.

That's what you're having.

Scrambled eggs, sausage and beans.

And hash browns?

Very good.

Very good.

I like that.

Krispy bacon.

Very good.

I like that.

Fried bread.

Now, my dad, my dad likes fried bread.

Once my granddad and my dad got into an actual very big row on Christmas over fried bread because he wanted fried bread.

And my granddad was like, no, even though he had the frying pan.

So my dad went up to silk for about an hour.

Frying pan up his ass.

And then I went upstairs.

Seconds away.

Seconds away from me saying he's putting a pan up his ass.

Legging it there to the pipe star.

scrapping around.

So what are you having as a kind of wetness?

Where's the wetness?

Where the

beans?

Yeah, my mum's husband calls English people beanos

because they like beans with their fries.

Well, I mean, you're eating cream bean dream in your house.

What are you talking about?

He doesn't eat it.

He eats potatoes.

Like, genuinely, he's a very big spud man.

Yeah, I would go for, if you're talking to me about fry up, I would bring the elements of Britain and ireland together so it would be like the good friday agreement of breakfast friday good friday yeah

we're scrapping for the same ones all the time

um i would go for the bubble and squeak i love bubble and squeak i would have one fried egg i wouldn't be arsed that much the fried egg to me is a condiment and that's it uh irish sausages crispy bacon and then i would go for a half a tin of tomatoes that have been boiled up so much that it's almost become thick and you have loads of Worcester sauce on that.

And that's my favourite element of a fry.

It's like that tin of tomatoes.

And I nearly had it as my side dish.

Wow.

Because

I like tins of tomatoes.

Now, I've gone on record before saying, Yeah.

No tomatoes in my fry up.

Don't want them.

But

the way you described that just then sounded delicious.

Putting the Worcester sauce in them.

Oh, it's so good.

I've never been convinced before.

I don't like the half a tomato or whatever that's like

fried in the frying pan.

Garbage.

I don't like it.

Don't want it in my fry up.

Yeah.

That then sounded pretty cool.

It's great.

Like a bloody Mary.

I feel really safe.

It's like having a bit of bolognese.

I'm not into it.

Oh!

I just feel really safe having like loads of tins of tomatoes in my house.

Yeah.

Because it makes me feel like whatever happens, you got tins of tomatoes.

You're ready for a nuclear winter.

Oh, for sure.

I had a nice fry-up for my nuclear winter.

Just stick a sausage on a fork and put it out the window and bring it back in.

How's this for a weird egg story?

Uh-huh.

My mum's family all like different bits of the egg.

So my auntie only likes the white, and my mum only likes the yolks.

So whenever we've had breakfast as a family, they just make the eggs and then cut all the bits out that they like.

So my mum sits there with two yolks and my auntie sits there with a pile of white.

And adds them a mouthful of the shelf.

That's great.

That's it.

Working in tandem.

I hate what the thing about Scrambled for me, and it's probably been discussed on the podcast before, is uh do you ever see like it's the it's the juice, it's the juice of the of the scrambled egg that I don't like.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah, and that that's why I don't like poached eggs that much either.

Is the watery watery, yeah, yeah, with a fried egg, and I can make a boiled egg myself at home really well.

Well done, I really thank you, it's my speciality.

Is that just so funny?

How proud you are.

I can make a boiled egg at home all by myself.

My baby hunger.

But yeah, like so I'm pretty passionate when it comes to eggs.

Yeah.

But

if I'm at home, a fried egg isn't, I don't care about it.

But if I'm out, I'll have a fried egg because you can't mess up a fried egg that much.

So you're already having two sides here.

You've got the lamb skewers and you've got the cabbage, red cabbage.

Red cabbage.

You said you've got the lamb skewers in the Chinese restaurant as well.

If you ever had lamb skewers in Chinese restaurants before, oh, they're incredible.

And there's so much like cumin on them and stuff like like that.

It's so good.

And they're like Sechuan pepper.

So it's kind of like that hotness where it hits your mouth and then you breathe in a few times and it gives a different element of hotness.

It's like numbing.

Oh, it's so good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've had lamb skewers from there's a Uyghur restaurant called Etler's in Walthamstow, which do amazing, like thin lamb skewers just covered in like and then they dust it with cumin afterwards.

It's so good.

So good.

That sounds great.

I'm

kind of like quite tempted to let you have the tinned tomato with the Worcester sauce as well.

Could we pretend it's a condiment?

Round it off.

But you say you basically use it as a condiment, right?

I do, don't you?

Yeah.

I just think that's quite appealing.

And I'd like to let that.

Yeah.

Little ramekin.

Little ramekin of that?

That would be amazing.

Yes.

Yeah.

Your dream drink.

So I don't really drink alcohol anymore.

I get very bad very bad hangovers.

Yeah.

So I I do drink alcohol but it's as much as like a normal person would take ecstasy so like once a year kind of thing and I'd make sure I've got no work for the next four days after yeah

if my dream restaurant if it was an alcoholic beverage um Bacardi Breezer watermelon which no longer are in suck yeah but I love them it's a great taste I went into a waitrose a couple of years ago to buy them because I'm I'm quite my dad lives in England my mum lives in Ireland so when I come to England a Bacardi Breezer watermelon is an absolute treat.

You don't get them in Ireland.

So, I went into this waitrose and I was saying, Can I get a Bacardi Breeze or watermelon?

And the lady laughed at me and I was like, What is this?

I just want like the best drink known to man.

But yeah, so if we could go to the past and get a Bacardi Breezer watermelon, absolutely, that would be amazing.

But, like, if it was realistic, that I got work the next day, dream drink would be a tango ice blast

in a very silly, elaborate plastic thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, Ramesh Ranganathan chose, I don't know if it was a tango ice blast, but it's an ice blast.

It was a tango ice blast

for his dream drink.

Yeah.

And he said what he would love more than anything is an ice blast machine in his house, in the garage.

Do you think you would like that, or do you think it would make it less of a treat if you had it on tap all the time?

Well, I live with five people, so I don't really have room for a tango.

I don't have room for like a, I don't have room for a dehumidifier in my house.

So so i don't have a tango ice blast

blast machine and do a lot of the work

let's play a little game then um you've got to get rid of one of your housemates okay for the ice blast machine who's it going to be talk us through why do you want me to no

T you too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Talk us through.

Talk us through, yeah.

TUT.

Thank you, Benita.

I would.

Who are they all first?

Tell us who they are before you tell us who you're going to choose.

Are you friends with them all or is this more of a housemate arrangement sort of flatmate thing?

It's a flatmate thing, but they're all friendly and nice.

Jamie is a teacher.

Alistair is a guy who does engineering.

And Amy is

a journalist.

And

yeah, I would, this is very hard.

And then your boyfriend?

Oh, yeah, Simon.

Yeah.

I'd get rid of Simon.

Yeah, I'm going to say, like, I've heard so teacher doing great work.

Engineer.

If the Tango Ice Blast Machine breaks down, they can help.

Journalist, good for your career.

That's the

good reviews.

Oh, absolutely.

Boss feed, bang.

Suck it, Simon.

Suck it, Simon.

He can suck the tango ice blast.

From a distance.

From a distance.

From a distance.

Yeah, I'd get rid of Simon because I think Simon would be like, he is my undying love.

Yeah.

So, like...

Yeah, he doesn't need anywhere to live.

Keep him warm at night.

I could have that arrangement where, like, I have my boyfriend live with me, but I just say that he's coming occasionally and he's just there every night with his toothbrush and that you know that's what I'm gonna do so I'm not breaking the the lease agreement but and if you asked me about all flatmates it would have been another person that lived uh with me uh during lockdown and didn't believe that lockdown existed no and we had uh well he believed the lockdown existed and uh but we had big rows over he didn't think he should yeah yeah yeah he listened to a lot of joe rogan yeah um tango tango ice blast yeah tango ice blast, but watermelon flavoured of the Bacardi Breezer.

Let's do it.

You want the tango ice blast, but we to pour the Bacardi Breezer in it.

Yeah, the texture of an ice blast.

The tango ice blast.

Yeah.

With the.

Oh, so hold on.

So it's not orange tango flavour.

You want a Bacardi Breezer watermelon ice blast.

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

And we want like a silly, a silly-shaped vessel for it as well.

Yeah.

You can pick.

Surprise me.

What vessel do you want?

Minion.

Gurfie shit.

Minions, yeah.

Minion.

I love minions.

They're so wise, don't they?

They've got all the...

You ever see on Facebook and there's like just sad minions gun like love can't hurt or whatever and you're like who's telling these minions all this bits of knowledge?

You're drinking out of one now?

Yeah, drinking out of one's head.

Oh nice, I'm sure.

Shorts in the head.

Brilliant.

I'd say that's one of my favourite things that someone's made up.

on the podcast.

Cool.

Like something that I think that would be delicious.

A Bacardi booster watermelon.

In fact, I would prefer that to both a tango ice blast or a Bacardi Breezer watermelon.

Yes.

I prefer a Bacardi Breeze of watermelon ice blast.

Could you imagine just walking around like nice and drunk with a tango Bacardi Breezer watermelon?

You know, just falling into a canal.

We had that great drink when we were in New York at the Korean pub.

It was a whole watermelon and it was like soju watermelon, so the Korean spirit.

And then they'd obviously cut all the watermelon out of the husk and whizzed it up with the soju, loads of ice, poured it in there as like a punch, and you like ladled it out.

Yeah,

it was so good.

That sounds incredible.

That was really good.

I think about that a lot.

I've forgotten that completely.

Yeah.

I'd love it.

Did it have any like a bit of lime on top of it or anything to cut it?

I can't remember.

Yeah, maybe it did.

It was just, it was, it tasted perfect.

Yeah, that was really delicious.

Wow.

My mouth is watering for that.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

Brilliant.

Okay.

Exciting.

This is like a a restaurant Yvonne though.

Okay.

Because I've gone for a lot of like homemade stuff and now I want you to know that I've been to a restaurant.

So there's this place in Ireland called the Greenhouse, which is like a Dublin base.

It's a fancy restaurant.

And it was a place that like,

so the way that I treat fancy restaurants is I can't really afford to go to them often.

But when I get to go, it feels like a real achievement and it feels incredible.

It feels like going on like a

weekend holiday or something like that.

You know, it feels like something that I should be allowed to treat myself to and I do and I love it.

And there's this place, there's two restaurants.

One's called Chapter One in Dublin and the other one is called Greenhouse.

And I've been to those.

Once my boyfriend cycled to Chapter One and he sweated on in his t-shirt and he didn't want to wear his t-shirt in, but it's like a really posh restaurant.

So he just wore a hoodie with nothing underneath it.

Yeah.

To be posh.

To be posh.

Like a magic mic person.

It felt great.

And they were so nice, they treated us no different to anyone else.

And it felt great.

So I like going to those places because it has the drama.

In chapter one, they have like this special

Irish coffee which they wheel it to you on this big brass trolley and they'll get some mace and they'll grate it into the

into this big bowl and then put the coffee in and

so sorry.

Jesus Christ.

I love it every time it happens.

Because it feels like I'm pausing for emotion.

Show some tears.

Yeah, like I'm at a moth fucking storytelling night, wherever.

And I really felt that when he put the mace into that

Irish coffee.

But yeah, so like and then they flambay it and they put it into a cup and it feels incredible to have that done.

But the greenhouse has this souffle that's made of passion fruit with a white chocolate and ginger sauce that you pour into it.

Oh my gosh.

And it's the greatest thing I've ever had in my life.

It tasted so good.

And I'm going to add to that a scoop of Murphy's

sea salt ice cream.

Lovely.

Which is from an ice cream shop in Dublin.

And they make their own salt themselves and they make the ice cream themselves.

And it's the greatest ice cream I've ever had in my life.

Oh, yeah.

Something I'm going to have.

Yeah.

That sounds great.

If we're going for a bit of texture there, because it's quite like eggy and ice creamy, creamy, we'll throw in a few communion wafers on top.

The sweet ones.

Yeah, just some sweet ones.

Little scoopers.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah.

I love the sound.

It's great.

I love a sweet souffle.

It's been said on the podcast before.

I think if ever there's one on a menu, I will order it.

Like, yeah, because it's not often.

Yeah.

On the dessert menu, you get a souffle on there.

I think last one I had was like a really nice sticky toffee souffle, which was delicious.

And what I love about ordering a souffle is that you feel like Grace Dent on like Master Chef where you're like waiting.

You're like, well, I hope they don't fuck it up.

But you know, I know in my heart of hearts I'd eat it anyway, you know, and never say a word, yeah, if it just comes to scrambled out, yeah, straight into it anyway.

Omnum Num, of course, you people know better than me.

Oh,

it's great,

yeah, I do that as well, delicious.

But I'm not like a massive fan of desserts, but that was like a really good dessert.

Same way, like, I'm not a massive fan of wines, but when they have like a good wine-tasting menu, I'll go for that because you might as well.

And they're pouring the sauce into the souffle, so it's like it's like a hole, yeah.

you get it in a jug.

Yeah.

And you control your own destiny with that jug.

And like, I've eaten the souffle and I will lick out the jug as well.

Like, I will.

Of course, you've got to.

Yeah, you gotta.

You gotta.

Don't use the spoon.

No.

No.

You act on instinct.

The tongue is nature's spoon.

Yeah.

Is it not?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it's a utensil.

It is a utensil.

If you're an anteater.

Yeah.

I am when it comes to souffle.

I just like, I really do love licking out stuff out of food.

Like muller corners, everything.

I'll go for it.

I'll breathe it in.

I'll use every element of my mouth

to intake food.

I will.

What are your favourite muller corners?

What are your favourite things I have in the corner?

Cherry one.

Cherry is like, because it's like a step up from strawberry in a way.

Strawberry, strawberry is like the prettiest girl in your village.

You know there's better out there.

They're available, but you know that there's...

They're never going to to go further.

No, you know.

You're going to reach those cosmopolitan heights of cherry.

I know that's why you think you like cherry, but I think it's because my baby organ.

I think that's why.

It was planted in your head as a child.

Big cherry you finally got to me.

Yeah.

You've never eaten a cherry because it pops back into the spoon.

Yeah, you never know.

With the corners, you flip it over, put it back, it appears again.

Can we try to put it in the yoghurg?

Do you like crunch corners as well, just fruit corners?

I'm not a big crunch person.

I'd had my own crunch.

Like, you know, you can, you can, I've thrown in.

When I was a kid, I used to microwave Worthers originals and make a sugar craft out of it and eat it.

Would you not do that?

No, would you not microwave Worthers originals, make sugar craft out of it, and then eat it?

I thought I did when Princess Diana died, but it's just,

what are you talking about?

I was trying to.

It's just a memory I have.

Beautiful exactly.

I've never heard a sentence where I didn't know where it was going as much as that.

Yeah, but also, like, already a weird thing has been introduced to us.

So, I used to microwave Werbers of Rituals and do sugarcraft out of them.

But already got a lot of questions.

And before I've even started to ask the questions, is what I did with Pritchard's downtown.

But I just...

I just, when...

I was a kid.

So what would you do?

You would put the Werbers of Vitals in the microwave.

Let's deal with this first.

Wait, okay, the Werbis original.

Okay, okay, the concept of stuff.

So

unwrap them, of course.

Yeah, it's dangerous not to unwrap them.

So I would place like a naked Werbaz original on a little plate, pop it in the microwave, 30 seconds at most.

It's going to melt down.

When it melts down, what we're talking, how's it looking?

Like toffee sauce?

Like toffee sauce.

If you put it in for a minute, you're going molten and like it's going to burn.

The sugar smoke will like

it.

You really get in trouble with your parents at that point because it's just your whole house smells of burnt sugar.

But do it 30 seconds, you got that kind of sauce element.

Then you take it out, you can see it's almost like you're looking at it and you can see it solidify in front of your eyes.

I put a fork in it and I give it a twist.

Yeah, and it makes little curls up into the air.

And you can make a full, you can sugar craft like little shapes and stuff.

You feel like a Michelin star chef.

Yeah, okay.

So I do that.

That's cool.

Yeah.

So little shapes.

What do you mean you did that when Princess Diana died?

As in, like, I knew my dad would be upset.

I had to.

Well, why?

Because he's English.

Yeah, because he's English.

I didn't know.

I was very young.

And

like, I was up trying to watch cartoons.

It was on a Sunday, wasn't it?

Yeah.

And

there were no cartoons.

The news was on.

And it said that Princess Diana died.

And I didn't know who she was, but I knew that my dad liked her.

So I

went into the kitchen and tried to make my dad some sugar craft before he woke up and then I told him the news with a little plate of sugar craft stuff

and he was quite upset he didn't eat the sugar craft so that didn't take the edge off at all no

old this has been quite a dad heavy episode I'm sorry dad

as you said it's the one episode he's going to listen to so

may as well feature heavily I know I had a whole TV series in Ireland I sent him over to DVDs and he didn't watch it for two years and then I asked him one day I was like have you watched it and he goes yeah yeah, I have love, I have.

And I was like, all right, watch Fig of Fit.

He goes, oh, well, it's not really aimed at me, is it?

And I was like, everything is aimed at you.

So, but yeah, like, so the shit, the sugar craft is like just when you want to jazz.

Just like a nice shape.

So you presented your dad with these nice sugary shapes and said, I've got some news.

Yes.

Well, whatever.

Princess Dan is the queen of hearts is dead.

And then I'd imagine he took the sugarcraft and shoved it straight up his ass.

Straight up there.

Make some room.

Push the brush and the frying pan to one side.

Who sugar crafts right in there?

Arse absolutely full to the brim.

So queen of hearts.

We went back to England.

He did say, he did say not her, not now.

And I never asked him, why?

I'm like, what was that about?

But I was very upset.

No, no, not now.

Oh breakfast.

Oh man.

I'm gonna read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

You want tap water from Ballymoor.

Yes.

You would like prawn crackers with Chinese mini meals on the outside.

Mm-hmm.

Starter, you want mystery soup.

Yeah.

Main course, Ainsley's pasta cream bean dream.

Yes.

Side disc, stewed red cabbage, lamb skewers and tinned tomatoes with Worcester sauce.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

Drink, watermelon, Bacardi Breezer, ice blast in a minion cup.

In a minion cup, yeah.

Dessert, a passion fruit souffle from the greenhouse and a scoop of Murphy's sea salt ice cream.

Yes.

I'm happy about that.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm just thinking about me walking around with the minion cup, like

sucking out its farts, just like, you know,

drinking in its wisdom.

I'd say it starts

bad

with mystery soup and pasta cream bean dream.

I know.

And then I think the side dishes sound nice individually.

And then the drink and the dessert sound great.

Cool, I feel good.

I like the sound of pasta cream bean dream.

Alison, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Thank you, Alison.

There we are.

Alison Spittle, a great episode.

Goodbye,

it flew off in some directions I was not expecting.

Yeah, absolutely.

But I enjoyed all of those directions very, very much.

So much, so much.

What a bunch of great directions.

And more importantly, Alison Spittle did not say skimmed milk, which is the worst of the milks.

It is the worst milk.

Yeah.

As an oatman, oat.

I drink oat milk.

I drink it.

I drink it now.

It tastes too oaty for me, and I like oats.

Yeah, no, it's too sweet sometimes.

But, you know, that's it now.

I'm an oat milk boy.

You're an oat milk boy.

Maybe I'll try and switch to soya milk or something.

I'm an almond milk boy are you I like almond milk

maybe I'll try that out for a bit actually I think I'm due to a change I'm a bit I'm a bit sick of oat milk I think also oat milk's really gonna remind me of lockdown yeah once we've moved because you know we're moving soon and the flat like I only started drinking oat milk at the start of lockdown so it really reminds me of it now I think and I think I need I need to do a switch And then I'll feel like I'm out.

So once we've moved, we're not in the flat anymore.

We're not in lockdown flat.

New milk.

New milk.

New new house new home new man new milk yeah that's that's the catch that's james is the new man he's not moving in with the new manager well who knows well you know that right yeah i've said i've said to them keep it a surprise

while i'm moving like the mystery soup yes uh thank you very much to allison for coming in do go and listen to wheel of misfortune do go and see her show it will be very very funny thank you very much for listening we will see you again next week bye-bye goodbye off menu

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Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

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