Ep 147: Sikisa

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Raise your hand if you want your nails to look perfect all the time.

Me too.

I'm Sarah Gibson-Tuttle from Olive and June, and this is exactly why we created the Manny system.

We wanted to make it possible for everyone everywhere to give themselves a beautiful manicure at home.

With our tools and our long-lasting polish, each manicure with our Manny system comes out to just $2.

That's right, $2.

No more $30, $40, $50 Mannies that you get at a salon and they take hours.

Now you can paint your nails on your time and love them more than ever.

And by the way, when people ask, who did your nails, where did you get them done?

You're going to proudly say, I did them myself.

Get 20% off your first Manny system with code perfectmanny20 at olive and june.com slash perfectmanny20.

That's code perfectmanny20 for 20% off at olive and june.com slash perfectmanni20.

There's nothing like sinking into luxury.

At washablesofas.com, you'll find the Anibay sofa, which combines ultimate comfort and design at an affordable price.

And get this, it's the only sofa that's fully machine washable from top to bottom, starting at only $699.

The stain-resistant performance fabric slip covers and cloud-like frame duvet can go straight into your wash.

Perfect for anyone with kids, pets, or anyone who loves an easy-to-clean, spotless sofa.

With a modular design and changeable slip covers, you can customize your sofa to fit any space and style.

Whether you need a single chair, love seat, or a luxuriously large sectional, Anibay has you covered.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your home.

Right now, you can shop up to 60% off store-wide with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Add a little

to your life.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the biscuit of conversation, dipping it into the hot tea of the internet, watching the humour soak through it, and then a big glob falls off and you scoop that up from the bottom of the mug with a spoon, and that's the podcast.

Fair enough.

Ed Gamble, there giving you the introduction.

My name is James A.

Caster.

I am a genie who can grant anyone any food from wherever they'd like in their whole entire history and world and time.

I'm a waiter.

Ed is the Matra Dream.

Ed Gamble, Matra Dream.

And we like to welcome people into the restaurant and we ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Sakisa.

Sikisa, wonderful stand-up comedian.

Fantastic stand-up.

Only gigged with her for the first time recently, James.

Oh, yeah.

It's very annoying when you've not gigged with someone before and then you meet them and then they're brilliant.

Yeah, that's very frustrating.

I would like, you know, of course you want them to be rubbish.

Rubbish and then I can feel good about my car.

Yeah, you can go away going, I haven't wasted my life.

Yeah, but it turns out she's absolutely brilliant, so it's going to be a pleasure to have her on the podcast.

Looking forward to it.

However, as always, if she says there's a secret ingredient, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

Oh, by Sakisa.

That's the rule for everyone and this week the secret ingredient is margarine margarine margarine oh margarine we used to routinely have margarine at home that was all we had in the fridge never used real butter absolutely because it's healthier to have margarine it's also absolutely joyless yep what once you start having butter yeah you can't go back to margarine once you have butter you can't go back

and that's that's what i always say yeah yeah yeah yeah um yeah we had margarine all the time growing up to the point where I thought that's normal.

And butter seemed like a mad thing to put in.

Like, butter was you just used it in bacon and stuff.

Why would you eat it as it is, you know, on some toast or whatever?

Are you crazy?

Now we're we're a butter house.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We're a butter house.

Do you go like Lerpak spreadable?

Or are you just using like a you got a big block of block of butter?

I got a big block.

Once you have a block of butter, you can't go back.

Yeah.

No.

Once you got a block of butter, you can't go back.

Is that all right?

Yeah, well, it's as good as anything else we've ever said on this podcast.

I don't know how we get away with it sometimes.

Yeah, very low, low bar, a low bar.

You know, sometimes other podcasters talk to us and go, well, everyone loves your podcast.

Yeah.

And they say it in that incredulous way.

Yeah.

And I'm like, no, blame me for the tone.

Some guys were saying, once you have a block of butter, you can't go back.

And not only do we say that, and we know

the standard of it and how good it actually actually is, people are going to adopt it and love saying it.

They're going to really.

They're going to say it to their friends and family.

Yeah.

Every time they make some toast with butter, they're going to say, well, you have a blog of butter, you can't go back.

They'll all start saying it and become a funny little joke.

Look, we can't help it.

We can't help that

our very low-quality riffs somehow connect.

to the very essence of being a human.

Yeah.

We do, essentially, do punch up on family conversations is what we do.

Yeah, yeah.

We help you all talk to your family and friends

with, I don't know, like weird banter that you can circulate amongst your household.

Butter banter.

Yeah.

What'd you have?

Butter banter?

You can't go butter bucket.

There we go.

You'll be using that one.

Yeah.

So if Sikisa says Margarine, she's out on her ear, mate.

Yeah, sorry, Sakisa.

But hopefully that won't happen.

No, hopefully not.

Looking forward to speaking to her.

So this is the off-menu menu of Sikisa.

Welcome, Sakisa, to the Dream Restaurant.

Welcome!

Thank you, Carlos.

You said, welcome back.

Thank you, Sakisa, for welcoming me to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting you for some time.

I love those exchanges where you just say the thing back you feel like you should.

A classic is in an airport, buying something in an airport, and they say have a nice flight.

You say, you too.

I do that all of the time.

Yep.

To the person working in Smith.

Absolutely.

I did that to a delivery guy the other day.

Enjoy your meal.

You too.

Oh, what the fuck?

I've done that several times.

Well, thank you for having me at the stream restaurant.

How many times a day do you think a WH Smith employee in Heather Airport gets told to have a nice flight?

Yeah.

It means that when they eventually do have a nice flight, it's going to be brilliant.

Because so many people have wished them to have a nice flight that when they do get on it, it's going to be the best flight ever.

Everything ran according to plan.

i wasn't held up actually landed early got upgraded to first class yeah yeah yeah oh that must be annoying because i feel like you've got like a quota of luck to be upgraded to first class i've never happened to me yeah no no never i've never had it i've always hoped uh i went to jamaica for a friend's wedding and she carried her bride's dress in her hand just to be like i'm getting married can we can we sort of like upgrade it it didn't happen oh gosh she got stuck with the rest of us.

But then imagine being upgraded on a flight to like Glasgow, where it's like an hour and a half and one of them.

It's just like, oh, it's never going to happen again.

I tried to do it on the way to New Zealand.

Did I tell you this?

No.

I ran the London Marathon and the day after I was flying to New Zealand for the New Zealand Comedy Festival.

I love the fact you threw in that you ran a marathon.

Well, it is important.

It is important.

In my head, he used to ran the marathon and carried on going until he was on the table.

I wouldn't bring it up unless it was important because I wore my marathon finishers t-shirt.

and when i went up to the check-in i limped oh i put a limp on

the marathon i was like this is a lot i ran the blooming marathon yesterday didn't i oh poor

yeah yeah

yeah i was really putting on the limps like just like oh god

oh it's annoying i got a fly today really because i ran the marathon for charity yesterday so and they were like We don't give a fuck.

Yes, essentially they said we don't give a fuck.

Although they did upgrade me to the legroom seats in economy.

Because achy legs from running the marathon.

Old achy legs.

Yeah.

Although they must have known that, because when you've run the marathon, you've run it for a diabetes charity, haven't you?

Yes.

So they must have known it's not really doing it for charity.

He's doing it for himself.

He's doing it to get the money back.

Yeah, he's just being selfish about it.

Yeah, I essentially use diabetes charities like a bank for the future.

They're like a big ICE.

Are you a foodie, Sakisa?

Are you a fan of food?

I'm way too much of a fan of food.

I was very anxious about doing this, to be honest with you, because trying to pick a specific menu is my worst nightmare you know when people ask you that question welcome

thank you thank you

people ask you that question of what do you want to eat

what do you want to eat yeah i'm like whatever i will find something and then and they're like no no but what do you want to eat like do you want thai or Mexican?

And I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

Put some food in my mouth.

I will find something.

I'm also one of those people that spends way too much money on food especially at food markets there's a very good one in Xmas Market in Angel and they've got like maybe five or six stalls there and I will go there quite regularly and I would end up buying four or five different meals from each stall in one day.

It's because I feel like I'm never going to eat this kind of food again.

Totally.

That's I totally get this.

But I'm like, I'm going to be in this market tomorrow.

It's that thing of like, I have it as well.

Whenever I see a menu, if I was at a food market, I'd be like, I'm clearly never going to have this ever again.

Like, this is the only opportunity I have.

So I have to eat so much of it.

I now hate it forever.

Yes.

But I will have it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, maybe

brunch.

I don't know.

Whatever we can fit this in.

And I'm just like, looking at all this food.

I think the most amount of money I spent in a food market has been 45 quid.

Because they're like five pounds normally normally for those kind of things yeah so I've spent like I bought nine items

so you buying something and then spotting that there's another store that you want something from and get so have you ever thought to do a full loop of the market see what you want the most and get that I have done that all right yeah

I'm a pro at this I have been like okay you know what let's just go and start from the beginning let's loop around that see what we like uh yeah okay

and then we just do another loop and then just buy everything yeah now look if you're buying like nine or whatever dishes where are you going to eat these because like when you're at a food market you've got to find a little place to go and sit down and if you've got a lot of stuff i'm i'm imagining you with a big like teetering pile of stuff yeah there's a bag yeah

i will find somewhere to eat um so there's parks obviously there are benches there's um corners of streets there is that got bleaker and bleaker with with every single one.

We did it.

There's a toilet.

I guess you want to be somewhere with, like, you know, when the people around you are changing quite a lot.

So they're not seeing, oh, that's like the fifth one.

And that bag's never ended in change.

I know.

I will never eat them all at the same time.

Oh, no, I'll lie.

I was about to say, I'll never eat them all at the same time.

I have done that.

Where I've just picked at bits and then been like, oh, okay, it's all right.

And then being really disappointed with one dish and maybe try to fob it off to a friend.

Or actually, I've been quite good and have given food to homeless people.

Ah, first person on the podcast who said that.

Yeah, that's true.

Oh, over a hundred episodes in now, no one's ever given food to the homeless.

Shut up.

Before you get too big for your boots, Sakisa, because I saw that flash across your face when James said you're the only person to talk about giving food to a homeless person.

And you were like, oh, really?

You only gave food to a homeless person because you bought yourself nine bags of food.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's not not about how or how it came about.

It's the fact that I was kind enough to not throw it in the bin.

Yes, okay.

But to give it to a homeless person.

Yeah,

you put one of your trays of food that you ate the rest of in the toilet to one side and then you gave it to a homeless person.

Yeah, that's good.

Allow me.

Allow me.

Allowed.

It's a bit of a compulsive thing sometimes because with me, like there's some things that if I buy them, I want to buy the whole set like naked bars.

So like I can't just buy one single naked bar.

I'm like, I want to get a nice selection.

I'm not going to eat them all at once necessarily, but like I want to get all the ones that I like and go away with them.

I don't I've never bought just one before.

I love the idea of you being like, well, you know, I understand compulsive eating, which is, you know, it's a serious issue, compulsive eating, people overeating and stuff.

You're like, you know, I have to buy all the different colours of naked bar.

Well, I don't mean compulsive like that.

I meant

I guess more my own life, just more of a, you know.

You like colours?

Yeah.

And complete the whole set.

When you have a Skittles, like a packet of Skittles, do you have a Pacific colour?

I can't say the word specific, by the way.

It's okay.

You said a Skittles as well.

I love that.

Well, let that slide.

Yeah, yeah, so let that slide.

That's the one.

When I have a special

geezer.

Fine, when you have a packet of Skittles, fine.

Okay.

Well, you have a packet of Skittles.

Do I have a favourite colour?

Green has always been my favourite colour colour of sweet, just because it was my favourite colour as a kid.

So then I just transferred it over to sweets.

And that's still the same?

I think so, yes.

So now something as an adult that is your favourite sweet is because it was your favourite colour as a child and you decided it was your favourite sweet.

Correct, yes.

That is exactly right.

Still my favourite colour of opal fruit, wine gums.

The green one's the worst one.

Yeah, I grew up.

The worst.

Worst thanks.

Although I'm quite, yeah.

I don't really like Skittles.

Ooh, wait, hold on, wait, though.

Is it just the ordinary Skittles packet that you don't like?

Or have you tried the other flavours of Skittles?

The sour ones and stuff.

Talk me through them.

Sour?

Sour?

Tropical.

I'm not going to like them.

I don't really like overly sour things.

Yeah, the sour one fair.

Tropical flavour is not my vibe.

What do you mean, tropical favour?

You know you like that.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you mean?

What?

I mean, I don't like tropical Skittles.

I don't like lilts.

I don't like anything like that.

And quite often it says synthetic.

Don't you two try and back me into a corner.

Well, like, you have got like a West Indian woman on your podcast today.

Yes, but

yeah, but that.

How about you figure that?

I'm sorry.

I don't think.

I'm not talking about authentic things.

I'm talking about synthetic challenges.

I think how aggressive is getting all of that.

I will not be crushed by this.

Synthetic, I will allow you.

What about berry Skittles?

I think it's the texture of Skittles that I don't like.

The crushing.

The hard sugar shell.

And then I think what happened was, is once I put a whole pack of Skittles in my mouth at once, chewed them all up into a big ball and then spat the ball out to see what it would look like.

And I think that put me off Skittles.

Oh, yeah.

Do you think that's it?

Why did you put me off Skittles?

Listen to that.

I'm never having a Skittles again.

After that description.

How old were you when you did that?

Was it yesterday?

It was yesterday.

It's been a whole day since I've eaten Skittles.

The bit that I'm interested in is spat it out to see what it would look like.

What did you think it would look like in your head?

Like the rainbow?

Yeah, I thought maybe, you know, all different colours, like maybe I'd created stripes or like a sort of tie-dye pattern.

Yeah.

And it's just a sort of, they're all like a horrible sugar, like white inside and like.

Just blots of colour around it.

Yeah, and not in a pretty way.

No.

No.

Let's get away from Ed's disgusted Skittle ball and talk about something nice.

You've got Edinburgh show coming up, Sakisa, correct?

I am.

It will be my debut.

Exciting.

Yeah, which I'm quite excited about.

It's all about parties, and I love a party.

It's one of my favourite things to do.

It's about Pacific.

I can't say words, can I, today?

I think

that's what I'm saying.

I feel like I'm going to get so many comments on the words I'm going to say.

Do you reckon?

But the ones who do the comments on how to say words, they're.

Yeah.

I mean, they're boring, aren't they?

Oh, yeah.

Words are about meaning.

We know exactly what you mean.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate you.

This is why you're two of my favourite boys.

Yes.

Even though that doesn't like tropical stuff, let's not forget that.

Again, I think we're spitting that out into far more of an issue than it needs to be.

It's about one particular party, which is a house party.

I talk about food in this pot, in this show, in one section of it,

because I think there's a massive difference between, I don't want to sound like I'm being discriminative against white people.

It's just from my own experience, okay?

Just from my own experience.

I think there's

a difference of when white people have house parties in the food that they put in that party compared to black people.

Because I have been to several house parties, quotes, where I've been told you don't need to eat.

And I've turned up and there've been cold sausage rolls,

pineapples on sticks.

Quiche.

Keep talking.

Yeah, quiche.

Yeah, quiche.

Quiche.

Me and James are drooling over there.

Yeah, like,

like, what?

And there's been hubbus, like four different types of hubbus.

Whoa.

And bread and like cheese, just different types of cheese.

What I'm like, okay, this is not food.

And I've had to order like a deliveroo to get to the party.

Have you genuinely gone to a house party and ordered a delivery for yourself before?

Yeah.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me like I'm mad, Takea.

You looked at me like I was mad.

I'm impressed.

I think it's an amazing move.

But I've ordered a dominoes to a birthday party that I didn't know anyone at the party.

And was the dominoes, this is a key question, just for you or for the party?

Yeah.

I think you already know the answer.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

And well done, well done.

Did you keep it just for you?

Or did someone else get in on it?

The person I was dating at the time had some.

One slice.

Before you realised.

Yeah, because I was like, well, it's your fault.

You told me not to eat.

So this is your fault.

I've ordered a KFC to a house party before.

If this is no adequate food for me, then...

So what is good house party food?

For me, you've got to have at least minimum three different types of chicken.

When you say types, what are you talking about?

What do you mean?

The cut of the chicken, the flavor of the chicken, where the restaurant is coming from, what different types of chicken?

Oh, God.

Okay, we're going to go.

I feel like this is now going to go into like chicken.

Yeah.

I feel like the podcast

will just be about chicken, which is fair enough.

When I say different types of chicken, like, obviously there's fried chicken, jerk chicken, barbecue chicken,

roast chicken, wings, which is separate, by the way.

So we're not going to get started on wings today.

You say you're like, we can't go down there.

No, we can't do it.

You've got to cater for the vegans nowadays.

So you've got to have the wing or like the chakan with the key.

With the K in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The chaun.

Yeah.

With the K in it.

The fake chicken.

The chakan.

You've got to have that.

And then you've got like stewed chicken, curry chicken.

There's different types of chicken.

Yeah.

But you have to have a minimum of three

at a house party.

What's your top three that you want to see when you're walking to a house party?

If they've only got three, what three types of chicken are you after?

And we know cold chicken drumsticks as a given with no seasoning.

Yeah,

do you want me to walk out of the podcast?

Do you actually want me to walk out of this podcast?

I was just giving you a freebie, James.

Baked chicken breast

with a bit of ketchup to dip it in.

Oh, mate.

Now you're just egging me on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay.

So if you're at a house party, I will say you can have chicken skewers.

I will allow that.

Yeah, you can have chicken skewers, fried chicken, and chicken wings.

Minimum.

Yeah.

Minimum.

Minimum.

Minimum.

And then obviously you're going to have corslaw, potato salad, rice and peas, plain rice, macaroni pie, salad, curry goat,

fish, ducks.

And all this.

It's all, I mean, needless to say, but it's all like store-bought stuff.

Just like in the tubs.

Maybe the potato salad and the corsaw if you haven't got time to make it, but no.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

So the thing is with all that, at a house party, you want to be moving around, you want to be mingling,

which is why...

A little mini quiche

is so convenient, Sakisa.

Just so you can take a little mini quiche, pop it in your mouth, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat.

Yeah, but you can chat with a plate in your hand.

If you're dancing with a mini quiche, it wobbles in a really satisfying way and enhances the dance.

Okay, right.

You can dance with two carrot batons with hummus on the end.

All right, so you eat at the beginning of the.

Alright, so okay, you tell people the house party is going to start at 8, which means it starts at 9.

So

Ed's parties are not fun.

We start at 9.

How's it going to be over by 10.30?

Boys, you not need to throw it off menu house party, please.

Please let it happen.

And please, can I be invited?

There'll be no judgment.

Just me just writing some notes.

Feel a bit judge when the dominoes arrive.

Yeah, so you've got to like make sure you get enough food ready for the start of the party.

And then if you want to,

you can have leftovers for people to nibble at later on.

But people will normally eat at the beginning of a house party.

Just have a on a plate, mingle, have a chat.

And then the music is not like the banging, dancing music at the beginning.

It's just like the casual,

good vibes.

It's going to be a good night house party kind of music.

And then once everyone's finished, then you throw in the bangers.

Yeah.

And then everyone dances off the food that they just ate.

Exercise, people.

I already know what he's going to say.

And by bangers.

Do you mean mini cocktail sausages?

Nealey said it.

Saw you open your mouth, my guy.

He's got it.

Easy to say cold cocktail sausage on a stick.

Still of sparkling water, Satisfied.

Um, can I just say, um,

you've been doing this for quite a while now.

Why is it only still and sparkling?

Why have you not upgraded to at least like a soft drink or like a Ribena or like a cocktail at least?

I thought we had maybe got to a cocktail level like now.

I think we're doing it as if we were in a restaurant.

So I personally have never been to a restaurant where the waiters come over at the beginning and said still sparkling or Ribena.

Yes.

How?

Well, you know, what's it called a restaurant, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

Look, you feel free.

Also, people have found loot pulse.

We found loop pulse.

When we did our dream menus, the home of the episode, I chose a jug of Corsten Press, which is my favourite drink, Rhubarb Corsten Press, with crushed Corston Press ice cubes all the way through.

And guess what?

Less than a week ago, I went to a restaurant for a meal, and instead of of sending out water that's what they sent out they probably listened to the podcast

yeah they sent it over i couldn't believe it i was so they also didn't even make a big deal about the ice the ice was in the glass but i i'd forgotten that i'd said that i was just really jazzed they gave me some caust and press and then realized midway through that this is ice that they've made from causten press and it was it really made my day so whatever you pick now this might happen for you oh cocktail

Yeah, I'm on board with that hack because, look, normally people wait until the drink bit to pick a cocktail.

Oh,

no, it's pizza.

You live your dreams.

Yeah.

Okay, then, look, I want to go back to my Ribena dreams, please.

Ribena dreams.

The simplest cocktail of them all.

What flavour Ribena?

Oh, original.

Yeah, yeah.

Original.

Toothkind?

Toothkind?

Do they still do toothkind?

Yeah, I mean, that that is a thing.

I should just.

I know, I remember that, but you said that, and I'm like, oh, my God.

Original or toothkind.

That should be the new Silos Barkling.

Original or Tooth Kind, yeah, exactly.

But you don't want that.

No, I don't want that.

Oh, I would like the original, please.

Is this like a long history you've got with Ribena?

I just prefer Ribena.

I think Ribena just reminds me of like good old times.

I don't know what good old times, but good old times.

Come on, okay.

I bet if you cast your mind back, you can remember some good old times.

Some Ribena.

I was a little bit with a rubber, you know.

I mean, you had it since you were a little kid?

Yeah, who hasn't had a Ribena?

Well, I mean, yeah, to be honest, when I was a little kid, I don't think I was even allowed Ribena.

Caulston Press.

Yeah, just Caulston Press 24-7.

We were at Robinson's house.

Oh.

We were at Robinson's house with mainly Robinson's apple and blackcurrant or Robinson's barley water or lemon or orange.

All Robinson's, though.

I was a Ribena and a sorcerer parella.

I beg your pardon?

Do you like those sorcerers?

No.

You've never heard...

No?

I don't think I know what you're talking about.

Have you never heard of Sorceopirella?

What?

Okay, it's still available because I've got one in my cupboard.

So is that the last one left?

When you say it's still available, do we have to come to your house?

It's not ancient.

No, you can get it in the stores.

It's just a weird...

like diluted drink it's the same thing as like robinson's or ribena but it's just called sorcerer pirella parella.

Only reason why we really like it is because we used to go to this store when I was younger called Jackets.

I don't know.

No, no, I don't know jackets.

Oh my god, don't know jackets?

Jackets was

making you doubt your whole existence.

You're like, am I, am I real?

We made an agreement before you arrived that we were going to deny knowledge of anything you said.

Is this actually happening?

Are you on the verge of going, what's chicken?

Yeah.

Jackets was a like fast food restaurant that basically sold jacket potatoes.

Great.

Where was Jackets?

Was it like a chain?

There was a chain.

It closed down in like the late 90s or early 90s or middle 90s, 90s.

And yeah, it closed down.

And I was very upset that it closed down.

It's not like I can't bake a jack of potato in my house, but it was just nice to have someone do it for you.

It's a real decision, though.

To bake a jacket potato, you're like, that's an hour, right?

But if you suddenly just want a jack of potato, you need someone to go and get it.

Yeah.

It was decent.

Like, I really enjoyed it.

And it was very sad.

But they had sorcerer parella in their dispensary, and that's what I used to have when I would go there.

Favourite flavour of that?

There's only one flavor.

Okay, just one flavor.

And what is it?

I don't actually know what flavour it is.

It's one of those weird drinks that you have no idea what flavour is.

It's its own flavour.

Yeah, it's just its own weird flavour.

And it's like, what it looks like is that someone's...

Oh, no, that was it.

Oh, that's when you should absolutely say it.

Yeah, go for it.

It looks like a a demon has pissed.

Like really dark.

Yes.

It's like really dark.

It looks like a demon's piss.

Yeah.

It's like a demon's piss.

But it doesn't Google it.

I'm going to have a look and I'll see if you can guess it.

It's

one single flavour.

Well, I don't know why anyone's looking at me.

I'm not involved in this.

I've never had it.

Yeah, I don't know what it is.

Oh, hold on.

It's Asparilla.

Oh, I think I know what that is.

Oh, okay.

I only know that from The Simpsons.

Yeah, I think I know it from the cartoon.

Maybe I'm just pronouncing it wrong.

You know I'm not a fan of it.

So it tastes like I still don't know what flavour it is.

I call it salsa pearlla.

Like a root beer.

Does it taste like a root beer?

Is it root beer?

Or is it vanilla?

Because that's what we found.

Two things.

One says vanilla and one says it's a root beer.

It doesn't taste like vanilla.

Okay.

The root beer, it probably tastes more like that than vanilla.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm pronouncing it wrong.

I only remember a bit in The Simpsons in a saloon where someone says, sarsaparilla.

And it's sarsaparilla.

It can't be sarsaparella.

I've got to drink this.

I've got to have it.

Yeah, no, that says, yeah, I mean, that does look like it says salsa pearls.

Salsa pearlla.

Sarsapirilla.

A tropical symbol.

Oh, you won't like it.

Tropical.

You aren't like it.

Yeah, there's a palm tree on that, Ed.

Yeah, palm tree.

You might like it.

You're having some

ribena.

Thank you.

I was the Saintsby's own brand boy, by the way.

Really?

Yeah, high juice and stuff.

Just so you know.

Good for you.

High juice.

High juice, yeah.

I liked high juice.

Did you ever pick up the bottle and go, hi juice?

Yes.

Every day?

Hi juice.

Yeah, yeah.

Pop loves or bread.

Oh, pop loves or bread, Sique.

Pop loves or bread.

Aggressive, but neither.

Oh, I'm really being really rebellious on this podcast.

I'm skipping.

You're skipping a course.

I'm not.

No, it's not that I want to skip a course.

I would like some chips, please, and dip.

Yeah.

What sort of chips?

Like tortilla chips.

Like tortilla chips.

Not potato chips.

No.

No.

Okay.

Yeah.

Not chip chop chips.

No, no.

No.

Too early.

Too early.

Yeah.

We're talking what?

Like Doritos?

What flavour?

Okay.

Like normal, lighty, like the proper Mexican chips.

Yeah.

What I'm really enjoying, Sakita, if I can say, is your sort of MO on the podcast so far is to say something that's quite broad and then we try to specify and you get offended by anything that we say.

Chips is the broadest thing you could possibly say in all faiths.

No, but when you say chips are dip,

yeah, no, no, I know.

That's why that's, you know, I thought that's what you meant, but I thought, you know.

But you could have like a crisp with dip, like a potato crisp with dip, couldn't you?

Could you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What would you dip potato crisp in?

Could have anything.

I don't want to bring hummus up again.

Yeah.

The way you react is as if you've said a food and we go, oh, are you a cannibal?

What?

Cut the fuck out of here.

Fine.

Okay.

I'll go.

I'll fly.

No, no, keep it up.

Yeah, we love it.

I enjoyed it.

We love it.

So only one person, I think, has done this hack before.

Yes.

Which is Desiree.

Yes.

Which is a long time ago.

Yeah, a long time ago.

I'm glad to see it return because not enough people hack this part of the podcast.

It's there for hacking.

Thank you.

I hate when people complain to us, going, what poppadums or bread, what was a ridiculous choice?

And you go, well, hack it then.

Try and hack it.

Get in there and hack it.

And you're hacking it and I respect it.

Yeah, because also I find Poppadums and bread a bit too carby for the beginning of a meal.

Yeah.

I would like something that I could just like maybe just snack on that's not too heavy, but also like has flavor.

However, I will say that you could have like different types of numb bread.

But

however, can I answer your question?

Because you know we're talking about bread.

Yeah.

When you ask in a restaurant, do you not ask for olive oil?

with your bread?

Take whatever comes, really.

Some places do it.

They bring the bread with the olive oil and the balsamic vinegar.

Some places bring butter.

I just take whatever, whatever they bring.

I'll take what they bring, but I will definitely, I like dipping bread in olive oil and balsamic.

It happened to me the other day and I was like, oh.

No,

I've never had it before.

Like, I've never had someone bring out the bread.

And then my friend was like, can you bring out some olive oil, please?

And I was like, who are you?

What is happening right now?

And I was like, just because we're the members-only club doesn't mean you have to get all fancy up in here.

No, I see.

No, no, yeah, yeah.

It came out and I was like, oh, what's happening right now?

G proper dipped it in.

I was like, you're having oily bread.

Okay.

Are you not a fan of the oily bread?

I tried it.

I'm not going to lie.

I did try it.

It's oily bread.

Yeah.

But I don't know how to feel about it.

Wait, wait, when you put it like that.

See, I haven't really thought of it like that.

But yeah, when you put it like that, oily bread doesn't sound appetizing.

It is, though, isn't it?

It is, but then I don't know.

I've never ate it with that thought in my head.

I've never been thinking, I'm eating oily bread right now.

And maybe that would ruin it for me.

And that's what you had in your head when you were eating it.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that works with any food.

You'd have a steak you go I'm having a hot cow.

It ruins it doesn't it?

That sounds nice.

Yeah.

Would you like a hot cow?

Now I want to ask you

and please don't get offended

What dips you're having with

specifically with the tortilla chips?

I would like mild slash spicy salsa and a guacamole, please.

Lovely.

Now, we discussed this on the podcast before um and we're talking about homemade stuff at house parties earlier the dips are you happy with store-bought dips or would you prefer for your dream meal homemade ones and if they're homemade who's making them i would assume that because we're in a restaurant it would have been homemade if if there's a restaurant buying store-bought stuff sure they should be closed down yeah oh no

james you're the you're the waiter what's happening back there well luckily for me it's dream restaurant so it's just whatever people ask for so i'm okay is it it's literally whatever dip you want back there in the whole universe for me personally as long as the guacamole is a decent guacamole oh waxaka do a banging yeah guacamole do a banging oh sexy guacamole yeah

it's very sexy i don't like watery salsa yeah i like salsa that is quite chunky but not too chunky but enough that you can actually like see the tomato on your tortilla chip with a little bit of spice and chili

in it thank you we were talking about store-bought guacamole the other day

we call it what shrekeria

trakoria

it's like shrek's diarrhea oh wow

store-bought okay store-bought guacamole is shrekeria chakaria yeah yeah

i'm not if you go to a party and they've got they've got the store-bought guacamole out they've just taken the lid off all you're gonna think is you're gonna think of Shrek on the toilet not having a good day.

Yeah.

Straining away.

Oh, that's really annoying because I want it.

After this, I wanted to go home and have homemade guacamole.

Homemade's fine.

Homemade's fine.

Just store-bought.

Homemade's

a healthy day for Shrek.

Looks lovely.

The store-bought one, that looks like it's too pale.

Yeah.

It's too smooth.

There's nothing going on there.

It just looks like.

There's no chunks, you mean?

It's rushed out of Shrek's butt.

It's gone straight through him.

Yeah.

What would he say again?

Well, we all know what he'd say.

Shrek?

Yeah.

How would he do it, though?

Oh,

donkey.

Oh, the Shukario's coming.

Even he calls it Shrekerillo.

Donkey has Mark a bad Shukario donkey.

You're bad and boss me in that toilet.

Oh, no, donkey.

It's coming out of me.

Coming out of me.

It's all small wolf.

Shrekeria.

I'm so glad they cut that out on Shrek.

Life's messy.

We're talking spills, stains, pets, and kids.

But with Anibay, you never have to stress about messes again.

At washable sofas.com, discover Anibay Sofas, the only fully machine-washable sofas inside and out, starting at just $699.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

That means fewer stains and more peace of mind.

Designed for real life, our sofas feature changeable fabric covers, allowing you to refresh your style anytime.

Need flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa effortlessly.

Perfect for cozy apartments or spacious homes.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and built to last.

That's why over 200,000 happy customers have made the switch.

Upgrade your space today.

Visit washable sofas.com now and bring home a sofa made for life.

That's washablesofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Raise your hand if you want your nails to look perfect all the time.

Me too.

I'm Sarah Gibson-Tuttle from Olive and June and this is exactly why we created the Manny system.

We wanted to make it possible for everyone everywhere to give themselves a beautiful manicure at home.

With our tools and our long-lasting polish, each manicure with our Manny system comes out to just $2.

That's right, $2.

No more $30, $40, $50 Mannies that you get at a salon and they take hours.

Now you can paint your nails on your time and love them more than ever.

And by the way, when people ask, who did your nails?

Where did you get them done?

You're going to proudly say, I did them myself.

Get 20% off your first Manny system with code perfectmanny20 at olive and june.com/slash perfectmanny20.

That's code perfectmanny20 for 20% off at olive and june.com/slash perfectmanny20.

Your dream starter.

This was so much problems for me.

But I decided that I was going to have...

See, now I'm even about to say it.

I don't want to say it.

How many things are you torn between?

Right, so it was between sushi

and dim sum with scallops.

And scallops.

Sorry, and scallops, not with scallops, and scallops.

So really, you're torn between sushi, dim sum, and scallops.

But what you've done done is you've lumped two of them together to try and get away with having two in one, right?

Yeah.

Well that's what I would do anyway.

Sure.

Because I really love sushi.

Sushi is one of the things I actually love.

And me and my best friend share a love of sushi to the point where, do you share sushi?

Do we?

Knowing you buy.

Like if you were out with someone, you had sushi.

You know, we don't actually live together, right?

I know.

But like, I'm assuming you like eat together.

Have I...

I think I've shared sushi in the past.

I think I have.

To be honest, most of the time when I'm having sushi, I'm the only one who likes it at the table.

I'm often with people who don't really like it, so I'll just have some.

And I'm rarely with someone else who is.

Why are you in a sushi restaurant then?

Well, usually it's like, well, like, for example, Sticks and Sushi, which is I like that place.

It's amazing.

Yeah, but I've got other stuff on the menu.

Yeah, true.

And like people go there with me.

And then I go really crazy for the...

I can't remember which one it is, what it's called.

It's got the word devil in it, I think.

Not devil's piss,

but like, it's the it's the best one.

I order that on deliveroo and it's the best thing ever.

Oh,

so lucky to live near enough of sticks and sushi to order that on deliveroo.

I would go mad.

That cauliflower.

Oh, the cauliflower in the truffle, like the black truffle sauce is just incredible.

It is the best thing ever.

I have that with the ebby bites.

Yes.

And the tempura sushi is the yes.

The tempura sushi, because the way that they do the coating on it was that bubbled kind of coating.

So satisfying, so good.

yeah so this is why I love sushi yeah but I me and my best friend have a habit of spending way too much it's a money thing with sushi um even though we don't have money

too much money and because we both will order the same thing but instead of sharing we'll just order the in like my own one and her own one

and then we get full up but we still want to eat all the sushi and then we're just like why have we ordered so much sushi and people look at us like you're never going to finish this and we're like watch us work

so yeah, but yeah, I love sushi, but also I love dim sum and scallops.

Yes, so dim sum, what are you getting at a dim sum place?

Um, it's normally like the prawn and pork dim sums are lovely.

I love prawns generally, I love seafood in anything I eat, but like in a dim sum, it's very nice.

Crab as well, I do love a bit of crab.

That sounds really wrong,

but scallops, but say scallops, Scallops.

I go between both.

Yeah, I to and fro.

I say scallops sometimes.

Sometimes I say scallops.

People say that about me.

Yeah.

What do you go in between things?

Yeah, people say it could be Jimmy Two Scallops.

Yeah.

Or.

Jimmy Two Scallops.

I know what you mean.

I think I two and fro as well.

Scallops, scallops.

Yeah.

I can't even work out which one I would say now.

No.

Scallops.

I think I say scallops, but then now I'm saying that it sounds stupid.

Scallops.

Scallops.

I think I say scallops.

Bonita?

Might say scallops.

He's a veggie though, so he's he's hardly ever saying anything.

Yeah, he barely says.

He's only ever said, like, stop throwing those scallops at me.

That's all he's ever said.

How do you want your scallops slash scallops cooked?

Is there different ways to cook it?

How do you want to again?

This has happened again, hasn't it?

I've asked you a completely, what I would consider normal and innocent question.

Sorry, okay.

I would like it cooked in a garlic butter.

See, how was I to know that?

Sorry.

I would not have guessed that.

I thought you meant like, you know how you got like steaks, medium.

Yeah, oh, right, okay.

Sure.

But that's also an interesting question because scallops slash scallops, you can cook them all the way through, but that is overdone.

You want to see a little bit of like translucence in the middle of a scallop.

Yeah, that's okay.

They need to be like medium, right?

Yeah, that's a perfect scallop.

Because some people are weird about that.

But they don't know good food.

There we go.

But like the scallops, you have to cook it perfect.

Uh-huh.

Slightly underdone.

Uh-huh.

Is it slightly?

Yeah, it's just sort of slow.

That's how you have to ask for it in a restaurant, guys.

I know what you mean.

Thank you.

And the dumb.

It's perfect.

So now you're torn between these three.

You still haven't made a decision.

And I know you think you're getting away with this.

We're going to let you have all three of them.

But we can't.

Really?

Well, I would say...

It's my perfect recipe.

I would let you have a scallop slash scallop with one of the other ones.

But I don't think we can do a tray of sushi and dim sum.

No, we're definitely not.

For the starter.

What if I c called it

a platter of seafood?

A platter of seafood.

I think, but if I heard that there was a platter of seafood, I would assume it would just be lots of different, like some prawns, some oysters, some scallops.

Yeah.

I wouldn't expect to expect sushi sushi and dim sum dumplings.

If I ordered a platter of seafood and they brought some dim sum and some sushi, I'd be like, this is misrepresented on the menu.

What the hell have you done?

Fine, okay.

Feel bad putting our foot down.

You You are, you are quite strict on it.

I feel bad about it.

Yeah.

But I mean, you know, we have let people.

Look, if this is a main course, I would let you get away with that.

Maybe if you'd not come in here and mean so rude about white party food, then

yeah, because this is off-menu, the ultimate white party.

You come in here?

You can pull it back if you have volavons for main course.

Scallops, definitely.

Yeah, yeah.

Please.

And dim sum.

Okay, great.

That sounds great.

I think that's the best pairing as well.

Yeah.

I think scallops and sushi would feel a bit weird.

Like cooked scallops and then sushi.

Although, have you had raw scallop at the sushi place?

Oh my god, it's so good.

Yeah.

It's so good.

I went to this Omakase thing and he did raw scallop and cut it.

I think it was like, I can't remember how many times.

It was a significant amount of times, 18 times, like cross-cut it so it like softens it up and tenderizes it.

Just all in one, it just melts in the mouth.

Wow.

It's incredible.

Main course now though, and I'm thinking, are I already,

I can smell a hack coming out the corner.

You would be incorrect.

I am going to pick something called sales.

It is a traditional, it would be Western in some other Western countries, but it's mainly Bayesian.

So it's the country where I'm from, Barbados we have it traditionally on a Saturday for lunch and for dinner it's called so it's called sauce and it is it's called pudding in sauce the full version and the pudding is grated sweet potato which has been shaped and steamed and the sauce itself is pickled pig or pickled pork and when i say the reason why i said pig is because traditionally you would use the whole pig included ears snout, trotters, tongue, but but I

I have done that once and no, I have eaten trotters.

I've got no problem with trotters, but everything else I've been like, ugh.

So I normally would have it with lean pork.

So it's pickled pork with like cucumbers, peppers, it's slightly spicy and then you would have it served with uh breadfruit.

And is it all like portioned up?

So the the the pig, do you get it all like, is it on like a big tray or portioned up and you choose the bits you want?

Or is it all just on the.

No, it's just served how it is.

Because I'm trying to work out what people are saying that the whole pig is used.

Are you imagining a whole pig in like in a vat of vinegar being pickled?

Yeah.

Are you imagining like shape of water you walk in and there's like just the whole pig moving around in?

I'm not imagining that.

I'm just saying if you if the options are the bits of the whole pig, pickle, I would think that if you were doing that, having it that way, you'd want it all laid out there and you can pick what bits you want.

Oh, I see.

You like it, how they do like a hog?

Yeah, I guess so.

Are you thinking like an autopsy?

Not laid out like the actual pig.

Like all arranged in the shape of the pig.

Yeah, you just go up and then just pick out what you want.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like that.

It's a race for the middle, essentially.

No, unfortunately not.

No, it's all it's already like cut up

and boiled but i've accidentally had the traditional version yeah and i was like oh crap i've got tongue in my food yeah that's what i meant like do you get to choose the bits you want or is it all just bang there there's the whole thing and it's like you don't know what you're gonna get so i don't think i've ever had pickled pork before what's the flavor like i can't really describe it because it's normal for me for me i'll eat it all day every day does it taste like briny and pickly no no no it doesn't it doesn't taste like that.

It doesn't, because the pig itself is boiled and the cucumber and the peppers give it some sort of sweetness to it.

And then when you pull it with the pudding and the breadfruit, it just brings the whole meal together.

So is it like, is the pork pickled for a long time or is it a quick mix with like the vinegar and stuff?

Or is it no vinegar?

How would you pick it up?

We call it, so we say pickled.

Yeah.

I have realised what you lot mean.

When I say pickled, our pickling isn't you lots pickling.

When I say pickled, I mean you boil it and then you serve it with the peppers and the chopped up cucumber and the hot pepper chilies.

That is our pickling.

Right, okay, fine, guys.

So that's what we say is pickling.

So it's not a preserving thing, no, no, not at all.

No,

no, no, sorry.

No, no.

Apologies for me.

My bad.

No one's at fault here, guys.

Do you remember when you gave me a lift home from a gig once to Keisa and we lived quite close to each other at the time and you were saying about the good Caribbean restaurants that are around and I was like yeah yeah you've been to Rum Kitchen and then you really laugh for ages

I do remember that

and I felt really bad after you left the car because you were talking about Brixton

and I obviously have lived in South London all my life and like Brixton is my closest like biggest town and like you and the car talk about yeah I'm gonna take I'm gonna have my birthday soon I'm gonna take some of my friends to Rum Kitchen I was like why would you do that

I was like why would you literally do that to yourself?

I'm like there's wings and tings around the corner go to a genuine authentic West Indian restaurant and I remember you tweeted me because we hadn't chatted much apart from that one occasion.

That's the first time we properly met.

I was on my way home and I was like, do you want to live?

Because you're carrying really big bags.

And I felt really bad because you were talking about Brooks and I was like,

yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then you mentioned Rum Kitchen.

I was like, this boy, no, no, no, no, no.

And then I was like, I need to educate you about Wins and Tings.

And then you tweeted to me and said, I should have listened to you.

I should have gone to Wings and Tings.

And I'm like, yes, you should have.

Because genuine, genuine West Indian restaurants are very hard to find.

They've got really good rum in Rum Kitchen, hence the rum kitchen.

Yeah, don't bother with the kitchen.

I feel bad for them because obviously I feel like a lot of people will go there and think this is what genuine Western Union food tastes like.

But I'm like, support the small businesses.

I go to Turtle Bay.

That's more authentic.

Why do you think you're doing this on purpose?

You are actually doing it.

I go to Turtle Bay and have some lovely jerk halloumi.

That's what.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen who are listening to this podcast, I'm so sorry we have to cut this episode short

because Sakisa has now left the book.

Why would you know?

No.

I will say, I've been to Turtle Bay.

I've given it a go at least three times.

And the first time I was like, oh, this is all right.

This is cool.

And then I feel like they changed their menu the second time I went and it just went downhill from there.

But if you want traditional Trinidadian food, go to Roti Jupa in Clapham, which is absolutely banging.

They do proper traditional Trinidadian rotis.

I walk in there and they already know what I want.

I just think if you're going to have like a traditional West Indian food,

you would go to West Indies, obviously.

No one.

No one would go to West Indies.

That's the number one recommendation for us.

But like, you should go to somewhere that is a small business

or that someone's grad is in the kitchen who was there.

But like, food from the Caribbean is so diverse.

Like, people will obviously think about jerk chicken when you talk about Caribbean food or like rice and peas, but not the whole of the West Indies do that.

Like, for example, south is our traditional Saturday meal in Barbados.

And our traditional dish in general is called cuckoo and flying fish.

So, and none of what people think is Caribbean food is that.

I want to hear more about this flying fish dish.

Cuckoo and flying fish is,

again, a Bayesian

traditional dish.

If you don't know, we have recently become independent from the Queen in Barbados.

Congrats.

Oh, thank you.

Rihanna got a medal for singing.

It was nice.

And what my mum did was cooked traditional Bayesian food the whole weekend that the the celebration was on.

So I came home and there was like sauce, cuckoo and flying fish, sweet bread in the house and I was having the best weekend ever.

So cuckoo is made out of cornmeal and okra and flying fish is a fish normally found in Barbados.

It's running out basically now.

It's very hard to get flying fish nowadays.

We've all learned how to fly.

Well, they do actually fly.

If you google it.

They're big jumpers, though, aren't they?

They're big jumpers, basically.

That's why they're called flying fish.

So yeah, flying fish is very nice.

You can fry it, you can steam it.

It's served with a very nice gravy.

It's one of my favourite things in the world.

I would have picked that as my dish.

You mentioned macaroni pie earlier as well.

That's my side.

Oh, okay.

Well, let's get on to it.

Let's hit it on.

Let's get on to it.

Let's get onto this macaroni pie side because I am glad also that this has come up again.

Because when you said it earlier, we were too busy being cheeky little boys pretending that we love sausage rolls.

And we didn't get to talk about macaroni pie problems.

You're like, you don't like sausage rolls.

Well, I don't like sausage rolls.

We're not cold party sausage rolls.

I'm not going to make out.

But macaroni pies aside, this is very exciting because I don't think I've had...

a macaroni pie.

You lived in South London for how long?

We had a conversation in the car about you going to authentic when they give restaurants.

And what, this was like two and a half years ago three years ago

by the way he did take his friends to the rum kitchen for his birthday yeah i did yeah that's what i tweeted that's what it took

there though you were right i should have uh no we just didn't have we had just had drinks at the end of the of the night because you looked at them and you were like well what what i did that day was i went round brixton village for a whole day yeah so we met at tea and toast cafe uh in the morning for breakfast and then which is which is authentic white food so yeah but i mean that's as authentic as it can you can't just hold it out about me because the wife who could be reaches for you all day.

Yeah, and then we went up to a bunch of different places.

I think we just ended in rum kitchen for drinks.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

No.

And I remember being in rum kitchen and having one too many drinks and starting to think dark thoughts and be like, it's time to go home.

You've heard your birthday.

Well done.

You've been out all day.

You had a brilliant time.

You had one drink too many.

And your brain's gone, everyone at this party hates you.

It's like, go home.

What did you have to do?

They spent the whole day with you, James.

Don't go there.

I think that's why I tweeted you saying, yeah, yeah, we should have gone a week.

I was like, yeah,

that was the low point of the day.

Did you have a rub there?

Yeah, I think I would, I mean, whatever I had, it sounded delicious and it tasted delicious.

But I'd been eating all day and drinking all day, but not really noticing it.

And then when we got there, just suddenly.

Were you mixing your drinks?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, that's probably what happened.

Yeah, it was like, it's my birthday.

It's my birthday, so nothing, you know.

By the way, when you say that you had to leave, what time did you have to leave?

It's pretty late.

It was as they were shutting it.

We were kind of the only people there in the corner by that point.

And there was quite a few of us.

And I think we were all thinking, this is one place too many by the time we got there.

Did you stay?

I stayed until the bitter end, I think.

Yeah.

I remember my now-wife, then-girlfriend, came to meet us.

She came and met us at Rom Kitchen.

Yes.

And she saw us outside.

And she was like, you were fine when we were outside Rom Kitchen.

And then we went in and I went to the bar bar and turned around.

And I was suddenly completely hammered

from the walk outside into Rum Kitchen.

I was like, Hey, oh,

you can't make it.

Yeah, let's go.

We're going in here, we're going in here.

And then two seconds later, like, who are you?

Just the smell of rum just hitting your face.

And you're like, oh my God, this is too much.

There was a shift.

There was a shift.

But the macaroni pie, this sounds like a much happier time than the rum kitchen experience.

I love a macaroni pie.

And it has to, for me personally, it has to be a homemade macaroni pie.

It's not, and it's not macaroni cheese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's macaroni pie.

And there's been some banging macaroni pies I've had in my lifetime, including ones that I've made myself.

It has to be a genuine homemade macaroni pie.

And it's got to involve onions.

It's got to involve potentially sweet peppers in it, all grated into it.

It's got to be baked properly so the cheese just melts.

So when you dip into it oh

now correct me if i'm wrong because i have had macaroni pie oh well done so the difference between like a mac and cheese and macaroni pie mac and cheese quite saucy it's quite liquidy macaroni pie has so much cheese in it that it can just stand up by itself right yeah if you like throw a ball at it it'll just bounce off

oh like

when you bake a macaroni pie or when you make a macaroni pie, you don't make it saucy, saucy.

But there's egg in it, right?

There is egg in it, I think.

Yeah, you can whack an egg in it in order to keep it stable.

You don't have to.

I don't put egg in mine, but I know people do, just to give it an extra texture into it, and so it bakes properly.

You put so much grated cheese into it.

What you really want is the top to be solid.

And then when you put your spoon into it, that how it's still got its shape that you can cut into a perfect square.

So on on your plate it looks like the cheese is just

about baked just about baked yeah how many types of cheese are you putting in there just the one no me personally so I've got this thing about cheese um in general because my mum suffers from migraines when she eats mature cheddar or like anything apart from mild cheese so in my household we never really had anything apart from mild cheese but when i got older i experimented but generally you should have mild cheese and then a yellow cheese in a macaroni pie.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Bring them together.

Yeah.

It's so good.

I love it.

It's the best thing ever.

I could eat that all day, every day.

And I probably did for a while.

Like if I, I've made like a big tray of macaroni pie just for myself.

And do you want your own homemade macaroni pie in your dream meal or do you want someone else's homemade macaroni pie?

I feel like if I said my own, I feel like I'd be like, I've got the best macaroni pie in the world.

No, it's great.

Some people choose their own stuff on this piece.

No,

it's very difficult for me to pick whose macaroni pie I would want to put in there, but I generally want someone's homemade macaroni pie.

So whenever I go to like a christening or like a house party or like a wedding or funeral and someone's got macaroni pie, that's coming home with me.

So you would go to a funeral and take the the macaroni pie from the wake,

just to be clear.

Why did you get me onto popcorn?

You know, I've had so many people be like, Are you going to the podcast?

Oh, that's amazing.

So, looking forward to hearing it.

And now I'm like, I want to die.

Well, if you do, I'll be at the funeral with a big spoon.

With a macaroni piece.

May she rest in peace.

I've got to go, guys.

Dream drink.

Now, you've already hacked the water course, so I'm assuming that's because you're making way for maybe torn between a dream drink.

You've had something early doors, but now we're onto the headliner.

I like a good cocktail.

Yes.

I've made several cocktails in my life because I used to work in a pub and would basically, when I was bored, just experiment with cocktails behind the bar.

One of my favorites was what I called a Dr.

Pepper, which was half beer, double shot of Disarano, topped with Coke.

Wow.

And this is

Siquiso Regidal.

I think someone told me about it.

Right.

Because it was banging, and I remember having three of them and being wasted

at my birthday party once.

But

if you never had it, try it.

But what I would pick for my dream drink is what is called a June bug.

Uh-huh.

It is a cocktail which has melon liqueur in it.

TGI when it was hip.

TGI Fridays.

TGI Fridays.

I love that.

We spent, I'd say, three quarters of the podcast going, don't go to the chains.

And then we get to your drink, you go, this drink at this place, TGI Fridays.

When it was hip, though.

When it was hip.

Which was never.

But then the one TGIs was at

swinging in place

when it was just them and Frankie and Benny's the new kids on the block

don't allow to yourself when you had to have a like a party and a gathering don't allow you didn't go to TGI Fridays well I I see honestly hand on heart I've only been once to a TGI Fridays however it was my brother-in-law's stagdew and

still to this day I remember that there's some of the best fries I've ever had

I'm not joking the fries blew my mind.

How have you only been once then?

I just never had a reason to go again.

The fries?

The best fries I've ever had.

Yeah.

Well, let's go in and just get the fries.

But like the season on the fries was insane.

At some point, I turned to everyone and went, these fries are insane.

Does everyone think these fries are brilliant?

And they were like, oh, God, don't talk to that guy.

The bride's brother.

I think it's crazy to name a restaurant after one day because you want to be open all week, right?

Yeah, you'd think so.

yeah you're thinking that business meeting they were like are we kind of sending out the message

that from saturday through to thursday this is not the place to be because it's all about friday yeah yeah we're gonna get hips and fridays are just so quiet the rest of the week yeah but you like to go there and get a dune bug well i haven't been there in about eight years it's not hip anymore it's not hip no yeah so melon liqueur's in there yeah what else we got i have no idea

no other flavours I have no idea.

There are other flavours in it.

I'm going to tell you now.

Tell me now.

Melon liqueur.

Melon liqueur pays for it.

It's the top of the list here.

One part melon liqueur.

Half a part coconut rum.

Yeah.

Half a part banana liqueur.

Yeah.

Two parts.

Oh, so it's not actually top.

Pineapple juice.

Yeah.

One part lemon juice.

Oh, sorry, it's tropical.

You can't have it.

This is the sort of tropical flavour that I'm talking about.

Oh, really?

It's too sweet.

It's too sweet for me, I think.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a sweet kind of person.

Yeah, I can't.

Yeah, I think it's the coconut, pineapple, all mixed together.

But

what I like from a drink is to have one and then immediately have another one.

That sounds like the sort of thing that I would have one of and be like, I can't manage another one.

No, no, you would love it.

Yeah, you would love it.

Yeah, you'd love it.

I'm going to try it.

When you have the off-menu party,

we'll make it.

That's what you'll bring.

Yeah, we'll make it.

The jukebook from TGI Fridays.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll bring it up.

I'll specifically get one of the bartenders.

Yeah, while you're in there, get some fries.

Oh, good chap.

See, he said, if we have an off-menu house party, you're not invited because you're going to take all the food away with you again.

We've established this.

Also, most of the people at the house party would have already got from your funeral the day before.

This sounds like a delicious drink.

You'd love it.

I would love it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would prefer it without ice because I don't like icing drinks.

Okay.

Yeah.

Unless it's the flavour of the drink itself.

I don't need the ice.

Too much falafel.

Normally when people make cocktails in bars, they love to whack a lot of ice in it because they want to dilute the drink.

And I'm like, no.

And then you've got to have it with a plastic straw.

I'm sorry.

I know we're trying to fucking shape.

Wow, that is...

Okay.

Wow.

Oh, I need a straw.

It's quite a mix of firsts for the off-menu podcast today.

The first person to say they give food to homeless people.

And there we go.

That's, you're up then.

Morally, you're up.

And you've brought it crashing back down to earth as the first person off menu to demand a plastic straw.

It has to be a plastic straw and we're back to neutral again.

No, the reason why, no, there's a reason why.

Okay, there's a reason why.

Pretty good reason.

It's gonna have to be a pretty good reason, mate.

Look, I know that we've got to save the planet and I do appreciate paper straws.

I'm putting this a hand on heart.

I appreciate paper straws.

However, unless you're giving me five of them,

just give me one plastic one and I will recycle it will you though yes

will you yeah I've got plastic straws in my house that I recycle yeah yeah so how many of you got

you're gonna have to tweet a photo of that I will do

of your straw drawer have you ever had a drink with a plastic straw

and then used it again yes are you telling me the truth yes how many plastic straws do you have kids looking you dead in the eyes two in my cutlery drawer and you use them all the time do you take them out with you no that's the one thing i don't do but when you're out do you demand a plastic straw No.

Because most places don't have plastic straws anymore.

Yeah, that's true.

Unless you go and get bubble tea.

They sometimes have the big, the massive plastic straw, yeah.

And by the way, bubble tea, love it, apart from the bubbles.

Okay, I'm going to blow your mind.

Have you heard of tea?

It's third down.

Did you see the game last night?

Of course you did, because you you used Instacart to do your grocery restock.

Plus, you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

And that's on multitasking.

So we're not saying that Instacart is a hack for game day, but it might be the ultimate play this football season.

Enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees apply.

For three orders in 14 days.

Excludes restaurants.

Instacart, we're here.

You walk in tired and hungry.

One bad dinner away from losing it.

You don't like to cook.

You don't want more takeout.

You just want something good.

That's why there's Dish by Blue Apron.

Pre-made meals with at least 20 grams of protein and no artificial flavors or colors from fridge to fork in five minutes or less.

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRIN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

We arrive at your dream dessert.

I'm relaxed because you said you like sweet things.

And slagged off cheese quite early doors at parties.

So cheese boards, I don't think, are you saying, right?

Because I know that you love the cheese.

I love the cheese.

And you don't love the cheese.

Hate cheese boards.

My girlfriend's mum bought me a

chocolate cheese board for Christmas.

Chocolate?

Was it chocolate cheese?

No, it wasn't cheese at all, but it was like chocolate.

So I opened it and I thought she got me a cheese board, but actually, it was all made of chocolate.

Did you work?

Were you like a person?

What is she thinking?

Yeah, all I was like, but because

she's familiar with the podcast, so then I did do the reaction of going like, this is disgusting!

I'm really yelling and stuff.

But yeah.

Okay, so I hate when I go into a restaurant and you see on the menu that there's a cheese board as a starter

and dessert.

Yeah.

Why?

Did someone get really aggressive with the table?

Why does they need to be both?

Yeah.

What they should do is see how many people are at the table.

Don't have it on the menu.

Just see them.

Oh, there's four of you at the table.

Would you like our separate menu, which includes a cheese board, which you may enjoy if you are rubbish?

No, I've never, I don't think I've ever seen a menu where you can get a cheese board as a starter and as a dessert, because if I had seen it, I would absolutely do that.

Oh, mate.

Yeah, you would do a book.

I thought we were going to be friends.

I buckled it.

I bookended it.

Nah, mate.

Why would you do that?

Cheese is great.

What is your favourite type of cheese?

Oh, it changes all the time.

See, this is my problem.

Because why is there so many types of cheeses?

Yeah.

Well, why is there so many types of wine?

Why is there so many types of anything?

Because it's a skill and you can get different flavours.

Stilton, got a lovely bit of Stilton in the fridge.

Can't wait to eat that.

Oh, no, he's going to leave.

Comte.

Comte,

you could age it for different amounts of months.

Three months, six months, 18 months, 24 months.

It takes on a different flavour profile every single time.

Are you going to do a TED talk?

I'd do a TED talk.

I could do an Ed Talk.

Yeah.

Okay, we're gonna have an Ed talk.

It should be one episode.

Why does that not happen?

You should have one episode where Ed just talks about cheese.

Yeah, yeah.

That's one of the charts.

Most successful episode ever.

I've never understood.

I've never understood the concept of why there's so many cheeses.

And I asked people at work about this.

And one woman walked in and went, what are you talking about?

And I went, cheese.

And she went, oh, what kind of cheese are we talking about?

Are we talking about North cheese, South cheese, soft cheese, hard cheese?

And And I was like, oh my God, no, there's too much.

Why?

I love how quickly you stopped listening to that woman that you thought she said North cheese and South Cheese.

She did.

No, she didn't.

She did.

She didn't, Sakisa.

She did.

You didn't like what she was saying, so you completely blocked her out and made it up.

She said, North cheese, south cheese.

Puppy cheese, sad cheese.

Dream dessert.

It will be an apple and blackberry pie.

Lovely.

I thought we were going down a crumble route there and then we swung back around and

I

did you consider crumble?

No.

No.

No way.

No, no.

And it's got to be with,

I'm going to say cream.

I'm going to say double cream.

Double cream.

Yes.

Were you torn for a second there between other stuff?

Custard.

Yeah.

Brandy custard though.

Oh, yeah.

But I really do love an apple and blackberry pie.

I don't really like if it's just got apple in it.

I just think it's a bit too bland.

Yeah.

I do make a banging pie, I will say.

Yeah.

Like apple and strawberry.

Sexy.

So sexy.

Did a little wink to Edna.

Yeah.

Like you said, sexy.

Apple and strawberry pie.

Like me and Ben weren't even in the room.

Yeah.

Well, you guys wouldn't understand how sexy an apple and strawberry pie is.

No, no.

Take it.

I've fucked a pie.

Oh, you're going to ruin it.

He's Jason Biggs, all grown up now.

Listen to this.

See if this ruins it for you.

Probably will.

You want custard or cream.

You know, in some places,

it's traditional to have apple pie, just apple pie, with a bit of mature cheddar.

What?

There's places in the north.

There's places in the north where there's an old phrase, and this is true.

I've not made this up.

Apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.

So let's talk about putting one on a.

Well, well, well, well.

I once heard David Dickinson say it on Bargain Hunt.

Right, okay.

Oh, okay.

Well, then it's not a saying.

Apple pie without cheese.

A kiss without a squeeze.

You can't have guys do that.

You can't.

Imagine the mature cheddar, the mature cheddar cuts through the sweet apple.

Perfect combination.

Apple and cheese is a wonderful combination.

Not apple pie and cheese.

Apple pie and cheese.

No.

I would try that once.

I would try it just to see what it was like.

Don't do it to your life.

I do also like an apple pie.

with ice cream.

Yep.

Yes.

Great.

When I used to work in

arndelle centre in wandsworth i used to go to mcdonald's and get their apple pie and then go across to kfc and get that ice cream when they used to do avalanches because they had the best ice cream and then eat that together it was so sexy yeah sexy that is a level of fast food hacking that i appreciate going to two separate places and combining their signature dishes that's great

mate during lockdown i was ordering two

something from uber eats and something from delivery and they would just see them just come together at the same time.

And I was like, oh, God, they're going to meet each other.

Imagine if they met each other and the drivers fell in love and then they got married one day and that was all because of you.

Oh, that'd be cute.

Fast food hacks is ridiculous.

So what you would do is you would get the chips from McDonald's, get the chicken from KFC, you would go to Burger King, get their onion rings.

That's what you would do.

Right, okay.

Nice.

Nice.

Oh, you've done your dream fast food meal.

Yeah.

No one's done that before.

And the dessert for the fast food meal?

The apple pie and ice cream.

In case you don't do that at the lunches anymore, which is such a shame.

So it would just have to be the McFlurry, Richard's blah, just without any of the bits.

Did you say you have a Mukflurry without any bits?

Yeah, is that a problem?

No, it's not a problem.

I've just never heard it before.

Because there's no Furry element there, really, is there?

It's the Mec Furry.

Yeah, it's the Muk.

So my nickname was Twix.

Was is Twix.

My nickname is Twix.

See, I already knew that.

Yes.

But I knew that when you told Ed that, he was going to absolutely love it.

I love it.

I've only just got to say my nickname.

You're doing a food podcast and your nickname's Twix.

As soon as you said my nickname, I was like, oh, she's about to tell Ed.

Where did that come from?

I got it in law school.

So me and two of my other friends.

Swell and Flake.

Stop it.

Yeah, stop it, Ed.

Two of my other friends

are also called chocolate stuff.

They are.

So that's that joke.

So basically, we've got a chocolate.

Don't start.

we've got a chocolate family they've got chocolate babies now so do the babies have nicknames now as well

one of them has one of them doesn't not yet we haven't named us we're gonna have to hear all these nicknames

basically we used to bring chocolates quite a lot into law school and our tutors said to us why don't you just call yourself the chocolate girls so we named this ourselves uh after a chocolate that represents us uh-huh not necessarily that we like but represents us.

But because I was nicknamed Twix and used it quite a lot when I started out in comedy, a lot of people call me Twix.

So why did you pick Twix?

Why does the Twix represent you?

Because I'm a Gemini.

Okay.

Keep talking because I still don't know twins.

Twins.

Oh, of course.

The Twins.

Yeah, Twins.

Yeah, I'm a Gemini.

That's good.

And is that it?

Oh, well, it's also that I'm skin colour-wise chocolate with a hint of caramel.

Okay, nice.

Love it.

I mean, the Gemini thing is like way more like I was like let's hear how Sakisa explains this away why she's like a Twix.

And then Gemini's like you guys really thought about

okay I'll read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like water course rye beana popped on some bread tortilla chips with a mild spicy salsa and guac homemade.

Starter scallops and dim sum.

Main course.

Pudding and sauce with bread fruit.

Side dish, macaroni pie, brackets homemade.

Drink, Junebug from TGI Fridays when it was hip with a plastic straw.

You've also put here that you would like to see a seal clubbed to death.

And dessert, you would like an apple and blackberry pie with double cream.

Yes, please.

Sound good?

Sounds amazing.

I will also say I will apologise to all the white people that may have been offended.

But what you must understand, Sakeisa, is when you say that at white parties we have cocktail sausages and quiches, We don't find that offensive.

That sounds delicious.

We need to liven up your lives.

Just a little sprinkle.

You know what it needs?

A little bit of seasoning.

A little bit of sneezing in your life.

Just a little bit of seasoning.

Just maybe some tropical stuff.

I also want to address the tropical comment at the top.

I was talking about synthetic tropical flavor added to sweets.

Yeah, and I would like to say that all the way through, I've known what both of you mean by all your comments and I've been stirring the pot.

Well there we are.

Thank you very much to Sakisa for coming in and for that menu.

Very, very enjoyable.

Delicious menu.

Thank you so much.

Macaroni pie so much James.

I would really like macaroni pie now.

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking about the most as well.

Yeah.

Since we stopped recording that, you should go see Sakisa at the Edinburgh Festival, of course.

Yes.

If you're a party animal.

If you're a party animal, I don't think that's the name of the show, but

it's a good name if you're listening, Sakisa.

Do go and see Sakisa at the Edinburgh Fringe.

Sakisa Comedy on Twitter.

Yep.

And I believe, James, her Instagram is twix underscore chalk87.

Brilliant.

I've just found that out.

Yeah.

Because obviously I was unaware of the Twix nickname.

Sakisa didn't say Margarine.

Huge relief.

Because once you go Margarine, you can't go Margarine.

So go and see Sakisa.

If I'm still on tour, it will be obvious from my website, edgamble.co.uk, go and buy tickets for me.

Yes.

I think we're doing some more shows in the autumn potentially and probably need to sell some tickets.

So buy them.

And of course, I will be touring Scandinavia for a week in September.

Yeah.

Idiot.

Oslo, Copenhagen, I think.

Don't look at me.

But yeah, Gothenburg.

Gothenburg.

Lund.

What I really like is you've not done stand-up in three years.

Yes.

Your persona has changed.

And now your persona is an absolute thicko.

Yes.

Yep.

An idiot who doesn't understand anything, let alone stand up.

In a country that he's not from and has no existence, doesn't know, doesn't have any reference points when he's there, anything like that.

Doesn't know what it's like to live there.

He's just going to be like an alien doing a show.

Yep.

Just beaming down.

But like an alien talking for the first time as well.

He's never talked before.

Somehow trying to make it work.

But like, you know.

That's that's live comedy.

That's the experience of live comedy.

No.

Huh?

Thanks very much for listening.

We'll see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, hello.

It's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity click click.

London, we're coming.