Ep 146: Jamali Maddix

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

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Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

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So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the flower of friendship, making a little well in the middle, tipping in the egg of good times, getting the fork of humor, and mixing it all together to make the pasta of the podcast.

Yeah, didn't mind that one.

Yeah.

Well done.

Yeah,

I Benito kept in your mistake one first.

I hope that stays in.

No, that won't stay in.

That's good.

No, I accidentally, because when you make me record intros and outros all in a big line, I will occasionally forget what we're doing and do an intro as an outro as an outro as an intro.

Well, he said.

Well, I said, well, and then I remembered that we hadn't done it yet, done the intro yet.

And then, because I said, well, I thought of making the pasta because there's nothing more satisfying than when you see someone put a little well in the flour and it's just on a table.

Then they tip the egg in and then they move the flour in bit by bit, and then eventually they've just got pasta dough.

His name is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

This is the Off-Menu Podcast.

We invite a guest into our dream restaurant, and we ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Jamali Maddox.

Jamali Maddox, a brilliant comedian.

One of the best, so funny.

Obviously, he has also hosted his own series on vice.

Yes, I went away camping with him on the Dave TV show, Outsiders.

The Vice show is called Hate Thy Neighbor.

It's very different to Outsiders.

Jamali's a very versatile man.

He is brilliant on Taskmaster as well, one of my favourite Taskmaster contestants, especially how Jamali would always laugh anytime Lee Mac messed up.

It was really funny how much Jamali laughed every time something didn't go right for Lee Mac.

Yeah, also Jamali's technique on Taskmaster was to stamp on everything until it breaks.

Yeah,

which is a good technique.

But do go on Jamali's website and check out to see if he's on tour.

Check out his social media as well because he's brilliant and must be seen yep you got to go and see Jamali especially because he's doing the hackney empire on the 28th of May that'll be a fantastic show get tickets and go to that if you can yes and do try and seek out the TV show where he's a regular called this is my house which is a light entertainment show that Jamali looks like he's been dropped into the middle of and has absolutely no idea what's going on but is so funny yep he's so good on it and I mean inevitably we will bring that up of him hopefully in this interview yeah for sure but we will kick Jamali out of our restaurant if he picks a secret ingredient which we don't like and this week the secret ingredient it's portobello mushroom now controversial controversial i don't mind a portobello mushroom i love a portobello mushroom this illustration here of course came from benito who is a vegetarian yeah uh and as such is regularly presented with a portobello mushroom in place of other things for instance a burger in a burger restaurant it might be oh for the vegetarians we have a big portobello mushroom which i understand i understand that that you get bored of it and also a portobello mushroom is presented as a replacement for a burger simply because it's around the same size and shape even though and i've said i think i've said it on the podcast before i once was at a literary festival doing a gig and i went to get a burger

story imagine this i thought it was a normal burger yeah and it wasn't it was a portobello mushroom and it was absolutely delicious yeah i think they're quite nice but now and again i can imagine you would get tired of them as a veggie yeah yes i i appreciate that benito is tired of it.

So we're just doing this one for Benito.

Yes, we are.

Occasionally we do things for him.

If Jamali says Portobello mushroom, he's out on his ear.

He is out.

I'm on tour

in the autumn doing more tour dates of my show, Electric.

I can't wait to do them.

Check out my website, edgamble.co.uk for details.

See if I'm coming to a town near you.

And especially if you live in London, I am doing a massive version of the show.

uh at the hammersmith apollo on october 22nd and i would love you to be there my book james acres guide to quitting social media being the best you can be and curing yourself of loneliness volume one is available to pre-order now and is out in august but for now this is the off many menu of jamali jamali maddox

welcome jamali to the dream restaurant oh yeah what's up sorry i've joined i was waiting for a longer intro

that's about us welcome jamali maddox to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time.

Finally, some respect I deserve.

Jamali.

Are you waiting for a sort of very long podcast intro where we big you up for ages?

Yeah, you go like, and he's been on this, this, and you start calling out credits and stuff.

I forgot I was on.

Yeah, he was on Safe Word on ITV2.

We recorded that before.

Oh, 668.

We've already done that.

Oh, so you just back in.

We're just straight into it.

We've told everyone, you know, that you did the Big Bang show.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Travel Hunters.

What else have you done?

All All of it.

Yeah, yeah, this is my house.

This is my house.

We did you

piece of shit.

I thought this was going to be a friendly affair.

And you have to bring up this is my house.

This is my house.

I know you do.

Yeah, but no, he thought, because

I know what he said, but he looked at me in the eye as he said it.

Because I knew you'd be annoyed about it.

I love this is my house.

And I love that you are absolutely yourself on this is my house.

By the way, is there someone who was it that was telling me?

And they were like, like, I was watching it and like that you could see my vape next to me.

they were like yeah like i was watching it and like you could really tell that you was just you because you had your vape sitting next to you just got like nah brother ain't them

and as well as jokes is they kept on telling me like can you not guess it so quick because it'll be like the first five seconds i'd be like number four

and they were like yeah but can you not can you pretend

and i'm like yeah

are you like a big foodie you know what it's i'm i am because i travel so much and i realize that if i want to have any type of happiness if i'm gonna be in norway in winter yeah and I've got nothing to do I don't know anyone food has to be one of my driving forces of enjoyment right

yeah and I think eating well it's kind of underrated to how good that can make you feel do you know I'm saying it doesn't mean like eating uh unhealthily or eating comfort foods but just eating quality food do you know what I mean because I think it's so easy just to eat like McDonald's and that stuff's cool but you know to actually have food of quality is

especially traveling I think you're right like it almost and being a comic like your evening sorted but a structure for the rest of the day being like, I'm gonna go to do this and then go for a really nice lunch and then go and get something for dinner.

And I don't really drink that much no more.

Yeah, so especially after shows, the idea of when I, like, my first thing when I get to town, like, what's the food after the gig?

Yeah, that gives me more excitement than like, oh, there's a sick bar.

And I'm like, yeah, but it's the food still.

Do you know what I'm saying?

But like, yeah, man.

So where I've been traveling, I've been around a lot.

Like, I've, I've, I've been lucky that I've eaten some real good food.

Great.

Because we'll, I think, both of us on tour, if we're on our way somewhere, we'll be googling on the way there where the best places are.

Yeah, I find, do you know what?

Because there's that stereotype of English food being bad.

And I always like used to debate Americans about that.

I'd be like, nah, English food's decent.

You know what I mean?

But you go to some towns, man.

It's bad.

It is bad.

There is so much bad food in this country.

When you start doing the tours in them small towns, Oswald Twistle and all that, the only,

Bobby Mayer put me onto some game.

He goes, the best food to try and get is Indian food.

Yeah.

Because because every town has a good indian place and normally it's the most seasoned food you're gonna get out of town there's normally some level of quality in it like and you can get it after a gig because they they never shut yeah after a gig they're always open mad late innit and also there's so many indian restaurants where you look through the window and you're like i've never seen anyone in here

all the money must be takeaway because no one's ever money laundering yeah

but the going in and sit sitting in there feels like a sort of weird treat to go yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, get a big bottle of big bottle of curry.

And they give you the same level of service at 12 o'clock at night that they do at 6 o'clock in the evening.

It's mad.

It's mad.

So man, because you said you were in Buxton this week, Ed.

Yes.

And that's the best curry I've had in all of the UK.

But I've forgotten what the name of the restaurant's called now, so I'm really stressed out.

I had a really hot, like mega-hot prawn curry, but it was just so good and flavourful still.

Yeah, but going with something's like really spicy, but it's still got loads of flavour in it.

It's so good.

You guys, in terms of spicy food, like sometimes I can feel like it gets a little bit too much.

Dudes just want to pretend that they're tough.

Because I have some food and I can eat spicy food, but sometimes

there's not even salt in this.

It's just a ghost pepper.

Why am I eating a ghost pepper like, you know what I'm saying, on a chicken?

you know there's no flavor to it you still need the flavor right yeah but a lot of people don't put flavour in it man and i i like the i like the buzz that spicy food gives me and i like a little cold sweat now oh wow i like that but I still need the flavour

purging all the toxins from my body yeah something that's so hot that it's like making me fucking beating

but sometimes like you I like those hot sauce shops you find sometimes where they've got like a hundred different types of hot sauce yeah but I'm buying those for novelty value I'm not enjoying a bottle of you know

ask fucker 12,000 and exactly what they're called like the ask fucker 5,000 you go my god and people always send me that shit like whenever I get messaged on Instagram like hey can I send you my hot sauce it's like no you can't.

Have you said something about hot sauce?

No,

I don't know why, but I always get offered brands of hot sauce.

And the one thing I always get is vape.

Yeah.

Oh, I named one tour vape lord.

Yeah.

And then one time, one guy wanted to sponsor me to do a show in Singapore because they were banning vaping.

Oh, and he wanted me to bring me over to.

Yeah, he wanted me to talk about vaping.

I'm like, dude, you know, it's just the name of the show.

I've got one bit about vaping.

We always start with Dill Spark and Water.

Oh, and you know what?

Because obviously, I've heard the podcast and that.

And

I think if you drink sparkling water, you're mental.

I think you're sick.

Yeah.

I generally think you're sick and you need help.

Yeah.

I remember what the first time I ever had sparkling water, it's so visceral for me.

Is I went out.

I remember what I wasn't at.

I was at home.

And I remember there was only sparkling water.

And I was so thirsty.

And I remember drinking it.

And it was sort of like this thing of I wasn't parched.

I couldn't quench my thirst.

Yeah.

And I kept on drinking it and drinking it and it's just never it never ended it is never and that's just more thirsty after drinking it is the horror i hate sparkling water bro like if someone drinks sparkling water around me i consider is our friendship worth it yeah

because you're mad yeah you drink sparkling water not on the regular when when when is there ever situation

the other day on tour and in the room there was a bottle of still water and a bottle of sparkling water because i always put both in there i'd done the bottle of still yeah and then i was still thirsty so i went actually what happened the next day is i got mixed up with which was which and i had a coffee and i wanted to cool it down and i put sparkling water in my you had a sparkling coffee sparkling coffee that's quite fire i feel like we should start a business

that's quite fire bro i did a taste of the coffee taste uh horrible yeah yeah yeah not nice it's not gonna be a good business we're on no no it's not good but you but yeah i see but that even that that was out of desperation yeah yeah you had finished the still so let's put some spark like you drink sparkling james uh not my first choice but like the only time it is my first choice, I've said it before on the pod, would be in a hotel, wake up in the morning, my mouth feels disgusting.

I like drinking sparkling water and then all the bubbles go through my teeth and clean my teeth.

Why don't you brush your teeth?

I do half of it.

Yeah, why don't you brush your mouthwash?

Nah, man, that's not.

I like something quick right next to the bed.

So to immediately get rid of that taste, I don't go on.

This is the problem.

It's the problem with this culture these days.

They want everything quick.

You know what I'm saying?

You want everything too speedy, bro.

Honestly, I find sparkling water.

Like, I just, I genuinely hate.

I think it's the worst drink possible.

Yeah, that and red wine are the two worst drinks possible.

We part ways here, Jamal.

Oh, we parted ways

a long time ago.

That wasn't the breaking of our friendship, man.

No, but I, uh, yeah, red wine as well is that.

I find every I've had red wine that is mad expensive

and Bigfoot cheap, and they all taste the same.

It all tastes like butter,

butter,

butter and vinegar.

It all tastes like butter and vinegar.

It is fat.

Yeah, butter and vinegar.

No, no, butter, butter.

Yeah, sorry.

Butter and vinegar.

Oh, yeah, I can't tell why you thought I weren't saying butter there.

But yeah, but it's all trash.

Yeah.

I hate all red wine, bro.

Oh, that's breaking my.

You like red wine?

I love red wine.

Ah, I see.

I like good red.

I like good red wine.

I've not changed.

Are you kidding me?

To be fair.

To be fair,

I've seen you drinking Merlot for a long time still.

Yeah, but I just don't, I don't like red wine either.

So I'll put that up there with my two worsts.

And I tried the whole red wine with the cheese and the red wine with the with the meat and the all trash class.

How do you feel about this?

I love a sparkling red wine.

Wow.

Do you know what?

I don't hate that more.

I don't know why, but I don't know why.

That doesn't, I don't hate that.

Do you hate that as much as sparkling water and red wine?

Actually, I think it's weird that you put water in your wine.

No, no, no, no, but as in a sparkling, as is sparkling red wine.

Oh, sparkling red wine.

Oh, that's fine.

I mean, at that point, I don't care what you do with your nasty shit.

You know what I'm saying?

Red wine's dead.

I don't care what you do with Bitcoin.

I had, I went abroad recently where the local drink was half red wine, half Coca-Cola.

Calemacho.

Calemacho.

Where's this?

It is in the Bass Country, Bilbao.

I had it in.

Oh, okay, okay.

And it was delicious.

I got

really into them.

Yeah.

It's just, you're not convincing me, man.

I just think about red wine, it's just that...

And the taste never leaves your mouth.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I can drink white wine.

If you asked me, think of the taste of white wine, I couldn't think of it.

But red wine is so implanted in my mind.

It's so because I sort of feel like that about some white wine.

I've changed my mind about it recently.

But I think because the first white wine I had was so disgusting and so vinegary and so like sharp that that's what stuck with me even when I've had like more approachable white wines.

Do you like rose?

Yeah.

I could drink a rose.

Whispering Angel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could bring angel.

I love whispering angel.

I love whispering angel.

I like my favourite drinks of baby sham.

Is it?

Yeah.

You are consistently the most contrary person I've ever met, Jamali.

I drink a baby sham.

You will wait for someone to think, I've got the hang of Jamali and

the complete opposite.

Love a baby sham.

Love a baby sham.

I only drink baby shams.

I go to like one of the really old school tough pubs and they go, we drink it.

Baby sham.

Baby sham.

Yeah.

Clashing back.

Oh, fuck.

Clash in the bag.

That's like a

very on-brand Jamali thing to do.

Going, everyone's as tough as possible.

I'm going to order that.

Yeah, I want a baby sham.

Rattle some cages.

Yeah.

But that baby sham.

That was on the pilot for hate thy noble.

Yeah, yeah, pretty made me.

Yeah, because

this owl is not nice.

L as well, I can piss off.

But

L, L is gash, isn't it?

Come on.

L is Guinness Gash man.

Yeah, I struggle with like

Guinness is overrated.

Oh my God, what are you doing?

Guinness overrated.

Absolutely Ed's dream drink.

Ed loves Guinness so much.

You like Guinness?

I remember, I did a show in Dublin, and I remember I came up.

Oh, every time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I came on stage with like a Guinness, and I went, hey!

And I went,

not for me.

Just put it down the rest of the gig.

And I was like, what is this, Bobby?

This tastes like metal.

If I'm a dead drink fan, lovely.

Nah, you're mad.

You're going for still water then?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, still water.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, still water.

I'll go for still water, man.

I have to.

I can't do that spark.

And it's supposed to be like when you're eating a meal, you want something that sort of what you're trying to do with the water is you're not drinking it for taste.

You're drinking it just to lubricate your throat so you can eat.

Do you know what I'm saying?

And enjoy the palate.

And I think it overrides it when you're having sparkling water.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Poppadums or bread.

Popped up some bread, Jamali Maddox.

Popped up some bread.

Poppa dumbs.

Yeah.

because i

i was intense and do you know what it put me a lot under a lot of pressure i would say uh pop a doms yeah because bread is so much in my diet already yeah i don't just bang out a pack of pop a dumbs yeah do you know what i mean though i'm just like they feel like a trait yeah and that's why because if i'm out yeah i'm gonna get a pop-a-dom i have to because as well as i like the dips and i only i only eat two of the dips and i remember one time they only bought me two of the dips i actually liked i said buv you gotta get me the rest of the dips yeah i just want to look at them

you made them go and and get the other two dips.

Yeah, and then you didn't even eat them.

Didn't even eat them, bro.

I just want to look at them, bro.

But I only eat the chutney and the green one.

Yeah.

And then I maybe put a little couple of onions on it.

Because then sometimes they give you the bowl of it.

But yeah, I'll go for Poppa Dum, man.

So when you say bread is so much in your diet already,

what are we talking?

I'll eat a pit of bread regularly.

I'll eat a brown, like loaf of bread.

I'll eat baguettes.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, because really, there's only a couple variations of the same thing.

like noodles is pasta

I'm saying no like it's the same thing so it's like for me there's only so many variations of the same thing yeah you think all red wine tastes the same

that's that's facts but so noodles is pasta so if you

couscous is rice why are we fucking around if you went for a ramen yeah and they brought it and it was full of fusili yeah

same thing

Okay you'd be okay.

Even though once you made people bring up some sauces you weren't going to eat, you'd be fine with someone bringing the wrong paste.

Do Do you know what?

At first I'll be mad and then I'll have respect for him because you know what?

He's doing it his way.

He's a renegade and I respect that.

I'll go.

And he goes, yes, it's what he does.

He's a pasta.

And I go, all right.

I vibe with it.

I agree with that guy.

But he can't.

Noodles are a pasta, though, no?

Well, they're a version of the same sort of basic carb, right?

But they do taste different.

I think they taste different based on the source.

Like, if I gave you noodles.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I banged some Carbonara sauce on that.

Yeah.

I think you wouldn't know.

You wouldn't know?

No.

Okay, I've had a very similar dish to that, and you do know.

Oh, you do.

At a restaurant called Nishi in New York, which is David Chang restaurant.

It was like udon, but with like a sort of carbonara-y sauce.

Oh, and it was cachio pepe, I think.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Like udon.

It was fantastic.

It was nice.

You can tell.

You can tell.

You can tell.

Is the egg you think?

They use more egg because it's like egg noodles.

They were rice noodles.

So I guess it's the lack of egg noodles.

So it's not like a pasta with all the eggs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was very good.

Yeah, but even like, so the point I was making is bread is in my diet enough.

I'll still grab a naan.

I'm assuming you meant naan bread when you said bread.

No, any bread.

Oh, any bread.

Oh.

Any bread for the start of your meal.

Okay, because poppadoms is only like, I guess, yeah, I only eat poppadoms at Indian place.

I mean, also, I guess this is just like anything that you would have at this point in the meal that they bring out before you got your main meal.

So I'd also allow prawn crackers.

Stuff like that.

Oh, yeah.

I like a prawn cracker too.

Yeah.

I really hate when you go to a restaurant and they bring you out bread, lovely piece of bread, and then the butter's hard.

Yeah, yeah.

Piss off with that.

Yeah.

yeah you can you can fuck off with that i hate that you've got to give me some nice butter but if it's not like good freshly baked bread now you can't just give me a slice of hovest mate yeah do you know what i mean like that you just put a circle in yeah i'm kicking off a little bit do you know what my favorite bread is when i go harvester oh i'll eat so much bread at harvester i will yeah yeah love harvester is that freshly baked bread yeah

in the morning mate you don't you don't think they ain't got bakers waking up cracker dun just to feed your belly and you're just out here disrespecting them so you go into harvester in the morning oh yeah that's right but before i eat breakfast that's why i go i go harvester and i grab bread i like harvester harvester's harvester is that thing of that quintessential british thing of eat is

but it's nostalgic yeah do you know what i mean though it fills you up and it's yeah it's cheap early bird special bro i've raised on that from probably door to door um less than two minutes from a harvester

and i've lived there for three or so years now and i've never been in the harvester really because when i first moved there, all my stuff was in boxing.

And I thought, if I start going to the harvester for my food, I'm just going to go to the harvester all the time.

Yeah.

So I just made sure I did.

It's a slippery slope.

But I'm currently in the process of trying to move.

And my plan is the final day, I'm going to go to the harvester for my farewell meal.

Go early bird special and go on the weekend.

Yeah.

Bro, if you ain't seen white people like you see harvester on that early bird special in the weekend, bro.

That's different white people because I'm telling you, bro, they bang out early bird special, bro.

And you see like old people from the home and that.

They come out yeah and they get that bro they they stack up on that salad

yeah they get them croutons and that from the salad but they wear their best they wear they wear their sunday best yeah you see it bro wearing their sunday best and that they iron that blue ink t-shirt them kappa track suits looking fire bro i grew up on harvester like that's where my mums and that used to take me when i was a kid yeah and i used to get the rocky horror and the ice big ice cream and that but um the rocky horror yeah rocky horror is like uh uh one of their desserts they do like a big sundae sort of thing it's a big sunday that's your favorite that's why that's why why I always.

It was one of their moments I realized I become a man because I must have been about 16, 17.

I went there and I decided I'm going to have dessert for dinner.

And there was no one there telling me I can't.

And this is my money.

And that's like, that's quite a man moment.

Yeah.

When you realize, oh, I'm a grow, I'm a, I'm, I'm, or I'm coming into adulthood.

Yeah.

I can decide what I want to eat at what time.

That's such a great moment.

I'm having dessert for dinner.

And then you realize a few years later that

there's nothing more childish.

Yeah.

There's nothing more childish than going and going i'm just going to have a sunday for my holes yeah yeah yeah yeah because even the waitress would be like you sure and you'd be like i am a man i know i'm what

and then and then yeah then it's you're on the road for not being i mean i definitely did that i won't surprise anyone that like you know you did that well i'd imagine yeah well but as soon as i was like oh i can make my own decisions now i was just like tub of ice cream for dinner and feeling like here we go i'm a grown-up i'll get to do what i want and then further down the line the next stage of feeling like a grown-up is when you realize oh i I can choose to do that, but I'm not actually going to choose a healthy meal.

And then I go, oh, I'm a real grown-up.

But then I don't feel as happy as when I chose the ice cream.

I'm a grown-up now, but it's kind of sad.

Isn't it sad to me?

Yeah, it's dark.

This feels like a proper grown-up decision, but really, I've become my own parent.

Yeah, yeah.

You've put your own blocks up.

But you would like...

Prawn crackers?

Or are we going, what are we going?

Poppa dumbs.

Pop a domsum.

Yeah, I'll go for poppa dumbs.

Like, I like prawn crackers.

Again, I love a prawn cracker.

But it's sad about poppa doms.

Yeah.

It's like they're hot, the snap on it One thing I don't like about poppadoms though is there's like a group of like all of us getting a thing Yeah, if you don't take that when someone doesn't take the whole popadom They crack it.

Yeah, so now I've got to go behind your half cracked popadom

to get to yours underneath

when they when they play mother yeah yeah yeah and I remember like I don't like that you've cracked it and then you're cracking my half so now I've got to have two of your halves I guess that's a misunderstanding that people are like they think you're all sharing all the popadoms whereas it should be one each yes yeah that's how it works you order or you order extra one if you want an extra one yeah but yeah but i don't like that but then quite often you get a poppadom like you take it for yourself your whole popadom and there's only a tiny little plate at this point a tiny little side plate you've got to put a massive popadom and just try and crack it and then pile up all the shirts yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i was in leads and i was mad hungry and someone off the show was like i was like well do you know where the food is and they go yeah it's a curry place i'm going that way too i was like i've got to go eat curry with you now

so i went to a curry pouse with them.

They're like, oh, the whole way there, they're like, oh, mate, wait till you see these nons.

Oh, wait till you see these nons.

And the non came out on like a torture rack.

And it was this big.

I've seen pictures of nose like this.

And I'm just like, this is novelty, bruv.

Yeah.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't, you know what I mean?

Because then, like, I get Peshwari non.

Yeah.

So I rip that.

All the coconuts falling out.

Do you know what I mean, though?

It's just like, bro, why are you like, I just don't like ridiculous things.

I've been like to a ridiculously slight sized food items.

You know, like, I've been to America america and it's like look at the size of this burger and you go yeah but it's it's not it's not enjoyable yeah it's just horrible yeah yeah it's horrible after a bit and you've and you've come down on quality for the quantity of it i again i think we've parted ways again jamali um when things arrive like that with like a massive nun on a hook i i'm the guy going oh

i'm in selfies with it

yeah yeah face swap with the nun

okay yeah maybe i should see it through your uh lens of happiness and maybe i might enjoy my life more but i know pechuari, like cutting that open on the hook and it all drops out.

You start to feel like that.

That's nothing with pechwari anyway.

When you're doing it by hand, it's coming out anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had none for the first time, the one with the meat in it.

The keema, keema na.

It's not bad, you know?

Yeah.

That with a kuma.

If you have that with a sweet curry, that's fire.

But the pechwari I gotta have with, I saw someone have a pechuari with a kuma.

Yeah, that's pudding.

Psychopath, mate.

That's too sweet, bro.

That's too sweet, isn't it?

That's too sweet.

You might as well drink a can of condensed milk, you madman.

So you actually your dream meal proper now, yes, your dream starter.

Is this from a specific place or is it a general dish?

See, I've thought a lot about this actually.

I went for it, it's a very Pacific dish

to Holland, right?

And I remember

it's like a fast food bar dish over there, the croquette, the bitten ball.

Yeah, so basically it's deep-fried a ragu with either beef or veal.

And it's like their bar food.

And they do it in because if you go to like around the world every mcdonald's has a different thing that relates to the one of their local dishes and over there they have the uh mc crocket and it's only the best mcdonald's thing i've ever had wow it's like a big crocket in

fire and you have it with hot mustard yeah so my opening dish my starter would be a crocket in between like they put like a little white bread hot dog roll you get them from fibo fibo's the ones where it's like the little windows oh yeah it's like it's like a sort of vending machine but for hot food you can go and put the money money in the window and take the thing out yeah yeah but the trick is you if you go to the front they'll cook you a fresh one oh right that's if you're just in a rush yeah but if you go to the front and say yo cook man of thing and they'll do it for you still but i feel like i'd want the novelty of getting it from the little window there we see there we go yeah

oh yeah yeah yeah when i first went you've been done before yes yeah you've never done the window though no never done the window why there's so many windows to look through

all variations of windows yeah that's a good point very good point no i i I haven't, but

I've seen it on a lot of sort of travel shows and stuff.

I would like to go.

I say the Dutch of Low-key killed it in some of the best quick pick-up foods.

Yeah.

Because they've got the Belgian fritz they do, and they do a thing called

Fritz Saus, where it's mayo, but with mustard in it.

Yeah.

Fire.

They've got the croquettes.

They got like a weird kind of like Indonesian

noodles in the deep fried and stuff.

They got a lot of good fast food over there.

Like I say, their fast food is better than the fast food here.

Yeah, the bitter ball isn't.

The bitter ball.

That's the one that you.

So bit and ballers are the circle ones.

And a croquette is the longer tube one.

Right, okay, yeah.

I prefer the croquette one because the bit and ballers are sometimes like, especially when you order them at a bar, you bite into it and it's hotter than the sun.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

And then you dip it in hot mustard and it just burns your mouth.

So you've got to be like careful with them.

But I'd say a crocket as my as my starter, just as something a little snack thing, you you can't go wrong with that.

Do you think there's a link between like high-quality fast food and legalizing cannabis?

That's

a very good point.

Yeah, I really, yeah.

And I think also why I think it was the best food in the world.

Like, I'm just like, yeah, I don't know, man.

It just tasted delicious for some reason.

That day, it was just beautiful.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a very good point.

I do you know, I never thought about the type of shops you see in Amsterdam were directly linked to the fact that everyone's hot.

Like, I never thought about that.

That's a very good point.

The thing about burning your mouth, though, with that sort of thing, that it has to be good because it gets so hot.

Yeah.

Like, if you ate something like that, that wasn't very nice and you burned your mouth, you're like, well, I'm not touching that again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had jalapeno poppers the other day in Buxton.

Right.

Because, of course, you go to the chocolate box town of Buxton and, you know, beautiful English town, and you think, I'm going straight to a Tex-Mex restaurant.

Yeah, yeah, it was what they're known for, especially

called The Lone Star.

We had fajitas.

I really fancy some fajitas, and I ordered jalapeno poppers.

I couldn't wait.

Bit into the first one.

I'm like, well, my mouth's a right off.

yeah like it just and it scars your mouth yeah completely fucked yeah for a couple days

but worth it yeah it works for me now I had my teeth straightened a couple of years ago and so I have to wear mouth guards when I sleep so if I ever burn my mouth like that it really it's oh to put that guard not good I have to take a couple of nights off the guard

because that's gonna well because once I didn't do that I just tried to power through and it just meant that my mouth just didn't it just didn't heal for ages yeah I was just like mashing it up every night is that age thing because I don't remember burning my mouth out and then being out of commission it must be like if i'm out of if i burn my mouth lightly i'm out of commission like i i can't taste nothing for a month you know what i'm saying my whole mouth hurts there is something off putting about how hot you know this had they gun but you can't wait yeah i think bit and ball is a because it's like the same about also ragu it's like this kind of gooey salty and then the veil i mean beef if you've got more morals like do you know what i mean it's just that's delicious man yeah really good yeah it's good you want one of those now it's a lovely start.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's how it opened.

Oh, and it being in slab of white bread.

There you go.

So you're already living up to your promise of the bread being in the there you go.

I had to put bread

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So dream main course now.

Okay, this was a dish that I had in New Orleans.

Right.

And I remember I was doing a show there and I had to, for some reason, get something from a comic book shop.

I think it was for work or something, but I had to go get something.

So the only comic book shop was like out of the main, like Bourbon Street and French, Frenchman Street and all of that.

So I went.

It was kind of like kind of hipstery, uni areas where the big frat houses were.

Yeah.

And I went down there and it was like a nice little town.

I was like, oh, I'll chill for a little bit up here, you know.

And I was like, what's a good place to eat?

And about three people told me this place called Jacamos.

Everyone's like, but you got to go Jacamos.

You got to go to Jacamos.

You might not get a seat, but you want to go Jacamos.

So I went down there.

This place was heaven, right?

I looked to the menu and they had a thing called alligator and shrimp cheesecake.

And I'm like, I'm going for it.

It was fucking delicious, man.

It was honestly one of like madness.

It's like you've made up a food from New Orleans.

Alligator is like an episode of 30 Rock.

Talking about what people in New Orleans eat.

Dude, it's delicious.

It is genuinely, honestly, insanely good.

Take us through it.

I did it.

So basically, so I didn't, even when I was eating it, I couldn't quite decipher what it was, right?

So it's basically, you've got like a sort of base of it, like a cheesecake, like a base.

It was like savory breadcrumbs as the base.

There's the bread.

Yeah, that's the bread.

There we go.

That's the bread.

right and then it's uh shrimps like seasoned shrimps and alligator meat in cream cheese and then they whisk it together add other seasonings to it and then bake it so it comes out like a savoury piece of cheesecake oh my god insane i cut up with like a sort of coolie at the bottom oh my god this is probably the first time on off menu that i can't wrap my head around what one of the dishes is bro i'll show you a couple quiche No, it's nothing like, it's like...

Have you picked quiche, Jamali?

Have you come on off menu and picked quiche?

No, but quiche don't have no cheese in it.

That's like egg.

Oh, I know my quiche is.

Oh, I know my quiche is, bro.

Don't

know quiche, bro.

I know that's a little white guy's secret, but I know quiches.

You've been hanging around the harvester crowd and that.

You know, like, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

I don't know about quiche, bro.

My mum eats quiche and that, isn't it?

I remember being like, what the hell is that, bro?

Show, don't worry.

This is, this is it.

Oh, my God.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's the alligator cheesecake, bro.

I'm just going to look at this.

There you go.

Strapping, it looks like quiche.

It does look like quiche.

It doesn't not look like quiche.

But okay, but a cheesecake technically looks like a quiche.

Yeah, sure.

Like everything can look, you know what I'm saying?

Everything can look like a quiche.

A Spanish omelette looks like a quiche.

Yeah, like a frittata or it all looks like a

quiche.

I might have just picked quiche.

I might have just picked quiche.

No, I mean that looks insane.

It's delicious, though.

Yeah.

It's honestly like, I remember the guy, the cab man was telling me about it.

And he goes, you've got to try this cheesecake, alligator cheesecake.

I'm like, is it sweet?

He goes, nah, like, it's kind of got a kick to it, but it's kind of, the texture is quite cheesecakey.

Yeah.

but then it's just savory it's super savory and i'm not normally that like i don't like savory crepes yeah i hate a hammer ham and cheese crepes guys what's the matter with you buv put some lemon and sugar on that and respect your roots

guess what i like in a crep right ham and cheese oh you're mad yeah he loves it

you're mad bro you're that guy in edinburgh who buys from the crep place outside outside

outside of the gourd balloon yeah i love it how packed with the shrimp and the alligator meat is it like is it like loads of meat

portion.

Yeah, it's not like I wouldn't say it's overbearingly meaty.

I'd say the only if I was going to pick any if I'd say it was a bit too much shrimp in mine.

Like I kind of went more alligator meat.

Yeah.

Because that's more alligator.

You had alligator meat.

No, that's what I was going to ask you to describe the flavor profiles.

It's kind of like a fishy chicken.

Right.

So it's kind of texture of chicken, but quite a fishiness to it.

I don't know.

It's hard to explain.

It's not bad.

Yeah.

It's not that out of all of the weird meats, it's not the best one I had.

I mean, the best one I had was puppy.

That was the

puppy.

I thought that for comic cool.

I felt like I fell for that so quickly.

I fell for it immediately after the public.

I was familiar with dropping something you were filling something.

But puppy, yeah, I instantly believed that Jamali had eaten a puppy.

No, I couldn't do it.

I had a kangaroo burger once, that was all right.

Yeah, yeah.

What does that taste like?

Gamy meat.

Game meat steak, yeah.

Yeah, like a steak.

After a little while, they all taste the same.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like all that.

Meat meat.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, reindeer.

And it's like, yeah, come on, it just tastes like that.

It all tastes like puppy.

Yeah, it all tastes like puppy, man.

Delicious, sweet, sweet puppy.

I i love this choice i love the yeah that's a crazy cake yeah it's very exciting and but also every time people come on and make because we've had a few dishes from new orleans i think yeah and i always feel gutted because when i went to new orleans i just got unlucky and didn't find any decent oh no you didn't get no decent but it's so much good food yeah i know that's what i and i knew there was so much good food

mcdonald's bro

i i had quite a good catfish sandwich and i went and got the beignets and stuff oh yeah oh the beignets but like I just failed to find and when I hear stuff like that, I'm like, Jack and Moses, good.

Um, Coupes, great, coops with that fried chicken delicious.

I went to like the fried chicken place in New Orleans, I can't remember the name of it, and I was so excited about it.

But I don't think anything could live up to how excited I was about it.

Like, good fried chicken is still like fried chicken, right?

I was like, Yeah, it was very nice.

Do you know what?

It's that weird thing, innit?

There's only few times I think that I've eaten something where it's like, What the hell?

Like, the one time it was Berlin that famous kebab place yes man the first time I ate that that was a defining I was like this is probably one of the best things I've ever been do you know I'm saying no yeah but it's like more time or not everything just kind of is a certain level of good food yeah I think you can only recreate mass produce food that well that's why home cooking is better because smaller batch you concentrate waste if you're just mass producing unless you're eating something like an alligator

cheesecake you don't you've got nothing to base that on

It could taste like anything.

I wouldn't know what it should taste like.

But yeah, New Orleans is, I think, one of the better food spots.

I thought I had some really good food in New Orleans, Po-Boys, and all of that stuff.

And Chicago is great food.

Yeah.

I see again, I messed up there.

I was in Chicago for a day.

Yeah, I literally landed, got to the hotel, had to go to my gig and do the sound check.

Then I had like an hour until I had to be on stage.

So I went out and just tried to find the nearest deep dish place.

Went to the wrong one, had an awful one.

I'll be honest with you, I went to the right one.

You ain't missing missing that

it's not that nice bro no nah it's too thick yeah i don't i've never even understood that when it comes to pizza the best pizza and i've had pizza around the world i've been italy and new york best pizza deep dish pizza hot you ain't beating that but

a slice of deep dish pizza hot there ain't no best slice bro

been around the world of thickness is it yeah perfect level of thickness

soaks up the oils i will say this for pizza pizza hut pizza and i i've never found a pizza that betters this and i used to eat so much pizza hut when i was a fat little boy yeah large deep dish oh what's hopping uh pepperoni feast oh okay so double cheese double pepperoni as much cheese and meat as possible and then when they introduced the cheese and pepperoni stuffed crust ah

yeah but the base is basically like they fried the pizza

it's just crust

all the oil i love that oh yeah i said pizza hut pizza like a slice of pizza hut pizza bro and i've been been to New York.

I remember I went on this date with this girl in New York, and she was like, oh, what do you want to do?

I said, oh, let's go get some pizza.

She goes, where do you want to go?

I said, I want to go to Pizza Hut.

She goes, you know what?

Listen, you know, they've shut down every pizza hut.

And I believed her.

And I wouldn't lie.

Look, I looked on that.

And she goes, I'm not going fucking pizza hut.

I live in New York City.

You know, I'm not going pizza hut.

So she made me took me to this other place.

It was supposed to be like the best place.

And in Brooklyn, I was like, buv, this is dead.

I want to go pizza hut.

What was that second date?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We date for a little while, actually.

But she never, she never goes to Pizza Hut with me.

I think that's a great thing to do on a first date.

It really keeps someone on their toes by being like, I want to go to Pizza Hut in New York.

Yeah, Pizza Hut in New York.

If it's a buffet, boy.

Game's done, isn't it?

That's a date right there.

A buffet, Pizza Hut.

Come on, man.

That's not a date.

That is a date.

That is the worst idea for a date I've ever heard in my life.

I went to a date in Wimpy's once.

And it was jokes because I said to her yesterday.

Yeah, because I said to her, like, oh, like, you know, I was like joking with her.

And I said, man, all right, we'll just go Wimpy's then.

She goes, I love Wimpy's.

I was like, well, that's where we're going.

And we went Wimpy.

Wimpy needs a rebrand, bro.

They could kill the game right now, but they need a rebrand.

What sort of rebrand would you suggest?

It's more young and hip.

Yeah, like a sort of hipster burger pie.

Yeah.

I think Wimpy could change a name, maybe?

No, I think keep it Wimpy, but like, have Stormzy do the advert.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, let's get it.

You know what I mean?

Stormsy's not going to do the advert for Wimpy.

Yo, man, we've got to get a budget together.

If they changed it to Stormzy,

Stormsey was called Stormzy.

Because Because you've got to play on the nostalgia of Wimpy, right?

That's what's going to.

That's what I'm going to do.

I think that's what's holding them back importantly.

I think the rebrand thing makes me think, yeah, if Wimpy completely changed their name and launched it as this new fast food chain, I think they would actually do a lot better than trying to continue with Wimpy.

I think if Wimpy'd knuckle down and just be like, hey, Wimpy, not as shit as you think.

Yeah.

And people go, actually, it's not.

Because if you have Wimpy Burger, yeah, it's better than Mackey's.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's up to me at Wimpy?

Oh, God, I don't.

But we're going Wimpy, bro.

Where is there a Wimpy?

We'll find one.

We'll find one.

Ketrin Thunderbowl?

Huh?

Ketrin New York Thunderbowl.

Ketring New York Thunderbowl.

Yeah, well, in Ketrin, we've got a bowling alley called New York Thunderbowl.

Although I think it's now changed to Thunderbowl.

It used to be called Rock and Bowl when I was a kid.

Yeah.

And there was Wimpy, and then it got changed to New York Thunderbolt.

But Wimpy stayed.

But Wimpy, I believe, is the only thing that stayed consistent in it.

They've got one in East London.

Well, we'll go to that one then.

It's Bang It Out Perfect.

There's one near the studio.

Who's

the mascot on Wimpy?

I I think it's just the W, is it?

It used to be a little beef eater.

I thought it was a beefeater.

Oh, yeah.

He's trying to imagine what Stormsey could wear to suggest the beefe eater.

Beef eater.

Yeah, he could wear the beef feater.

But lean to the side.

Let's keep it.

Yeah, yeah.

Stormsey would be doing it as a comment on Britain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's make it political, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I think Wimpy could do well in these times, but I think they just need a bigger re.

Anyway.

So I digress.

I would say the allegator cheesecake.

Was there a sauce, the picture you showed?

Yeah, it had like a coolie.

Yeah.

It had like an onion-y-based sort of like, I don't want to say it's not tomato.

It was like a savory coolie that came with it.

But I'll be honest with you, the cheesecake was so overwhelming in its taste, not like in a bad way, but it had such a unique taste to it that I don't even remember what the coolie was.

Do you know what I'm saying?

No, like you're not there for the sauce.

Yeah, it was just like a really weird, and it was like the seasonings in it.

There's like occasion seasoning.

Something with a bit of kick, a bit of lime.

It was fuck.

It's very good, man.

One thing I will say about new orleans though just to while we're still on the subject is i went to like this one place i think it's like the famous restaurant there commodores or something right it's like the famous brunch spot it's quite pricey but it's just fucking like baby rats everywhere and mice and i remember i was with it i was with a person i was like yo what's going on she was just like yeah it's new orleans innit i pan there's rats everywhere and you can't get rid of them because it's basically new orleans is a swamp innit yeah and there's just rats everywhere you're in their house yeah yeah

there's just rats everywhere, you'll see rats everywhere.

Like, in the you'll go to like the five-star hotel, and there'll be

like you just there's nothing no one can do about it.

Everyone just kind of accepts it and goes, ah, drink a grenade,

ah, why about it?

It's just a rat, drink a grenade.

Because they were saying during COVID, because there was no more food out, the rats just took over New Orleans, didn't it?

Down by bourbon streets, just rats everywhere, yeah, just gangs of rats, like standing by lampposts with little coins,

flicking a coin with a toothpick in the mouth, like just running the game, bro.

Selling each other cheese out, of the chart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You check your feed and your account.

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You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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Thumbtack presents project paralysis.

I was cornered.

Sweat gathered above my furrowed brow, and my mind was racing.

I wondered who would be left standing when the droplets fell-me or the clogged sink.

Drain cleaner and pipe snake clenched in my weary fist.

I stepped toward the sink and then-Wait, why am I stressing?

I have thumbtack.

I can easily search for a top-rated plumber in the Bay Area, read reviews, and compare prices, all on the app.

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Let's move on to your dream side dish.

See, I wanted to pair it with the cheesecake that I was going to have with the alligator.

Because normally, I'll be honest with you, for a side dish, I'd go for like white rice.

I'm an old school guy.

White rice with a bit of butter, I'm good.

Do you know what I mean?

Or rice and peas or something, but I wanted to be fair.

And the one thing I didn't like about the cheesecake, because I got hush puppies with it.

It's like deep-fried fish-type thing right and with the alligator and shrimp it was just too much so i go for french fries man yeah like home hand cut chips skin on skin on skin off i'm all right i'll say mostly skin off yeah you know what i mean like because i want the person who was making the chips to put a bit of work in yeah yeah you know what i'm saying you can't just pull it through the press yeah i mean but like hand cut chips unbeatable like i think it's a good old fry deep fried hand cut i remember there was this cafe in bethanal green where the guy had a chip fryer yeah and he was like eastern guy and i remember like you order food and he goes everything comes with chips because he just needed to justify having this chip made

everything comes with chips you go i don't want chips well it comes with chips and i remember he'd make you have these chips and they were great yeah like having egg beans and chips with real chips yeah i can't go but i can't really eat oven chips you know no oven chips have to be like ovens yeah i have to

it really tastes like the oven if you took a bite of your oven

but i yeah oven chips i can't oven chips no more has to be hand-cut chips.

Do you want it from that place in Bethnell Green?

For your dream?

I can have that.

Yeah.

Well, then, shit, yeah.

We'll get the guy.

I'll fucking do it, man.

Yeah, he doesn't mind that.

What was it called again?

The place?

I can't even remember the place.

I remember it was outside Bethnell Green train station.

It's closed now.

It's gone.

But it's where the sweet shop is now, next to the salmon and bull pub.

It's like this little old guy with glasses.

It's everything comes with chips.

He's clearly just bankrupted himself by giving away too many chips.

Yeah, and then I was like, all right, I have your chips.

And it was the most nicest, just hand cut yeah with egg beans and chips yeah like i'm you know like i'll eat alligator cheesecake yeah i like some egg beans and chips bruv yeah you know i mean you can't go wrong with that stuff but anyway so i say uh chips i think that starchiness to go with my cheesecake yeah is that's what the cheesecake was missing like a good carb because it's cream cheese it's yeah you know you've got breadcrumbs but it's a little layer you know you've got the coolie you got the meat but it was missing that are you dipping the chips in the coolie or have you got no i'm dipping it i'm dipping it in the in the hopefully getting the cheese yeah right in there yeah Was it quite soft then?

The cheesecake, like that, that cream cheese you could scoop it.

It's quite like, it's quite similar to the consistency of a cheesecake.

Yeah, yeah.

It wasn't like mad creamy.

Like it was quite still because they bake it.

Yeah, yeah.

So it still had some harder element to it.

Nice.

And a bit airy as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it still had that real like, so it's like definitely something that I just need.

I just, I think something carby and salty would have brought that meal out for me.

I would have even took a tater tot at that point.

Yeah.

But not a mash.

Hey, no,

no, I ordered ordered a bunch of, no, I don't think it was pizza hut, actually, but I ordered a bunch of tato tots the other day.

I think we were meant to order pizza hut, and then for some reason, we ended up ordering Papa John's, which is not what we would normally do.

Not our first choice at all.

I don't like Papa John's at all.

I hate that they give you that sauce, and it's just like melted margarine and all the fucking.

It's horrible, horrible.

Yeah, I don't like dominoes because they try to put powder on the crust.

It's like, bruv, you ain't fancy.

Why are you trying to lie and pretend you're fancy?

You're dominoes, be dominoes, bro.

But yeah, you got Papa.

Yeah, but you got Tater Tots with the Papa Johns, yeah?

Yeah, so that was like, so I got a nice little box of tots.

A good, like, I think people shit on Tater Tots because they don't, they've never had a quality Tater Tot.

Yeah.

Like, you get a good quality Tater Tot.

I've had a good Tater Tot, bro.

Do people shit on Tater Tots?

They shouldn't do.

I've never shat on Tater Tots.

I've heard people talk about Tater Tots.

They see Tater Tots as like kids' food.

They go, oh, Tater Tots.

Lucky kids.

The same way a lot of people talk about potato waffles.

Yeah.

But I've had respect for your roots.

I went to, there's a cocktail bar in New York called...

Please Don't Tattle, have you heard about this place?

There's Crif Dogs, which is the hot dog place, which is pretty good.

And then they've got the phone booth in Crif Dogs, and you've got to pick up the phone.

And then it's on the other side of the phone booth, basically.

So I've got a reservation and the whole phone booth swings open.

You go into this little cocktail bar.

Oh, six.

But you can get the hot dogs in there.

It's a beautiful little cocktail bar, but then also you can get this massive bowl of tater tots with like cheese and bacon on them.

Oh, damn.

Oh, no.

It's amazing.

Delicious.

Just drinking incredible cocktails, but just like whamming tater tots.

Yeah, yeah.

The thing about that that is that sort of that having quite nostalgically and you know junk foodie and basic food paired with the expensive cocktails.

You can't go wrong with that.

I like potato waffles as well.

Yeah.

Have you been to Norman's yet?

You told me about this place, but I've still not been, but I follow them on Instagram.

It's one of my favorite food Instagram accounts because it's like, it's like calf, right?

Yeah, it's calf food.

But just amazingly well done and beautifully photographed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's calf food, but they hand make it all or you can use really good ingredients.

They'll do chicken nuggets, but it's real chicken breast nuggets.

Yeah, and they'll do like baked beans, but they made the baked beans and that.

Oh, nice.

And they do potato waffles in there, man.

Shit, it's fire.

That sounds brilliant.

They put a picture of a sausage up the other day, which I stopped and just looked at for a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a good sausage.

One of the things I always get if I'm ever in LA is I just go to this waffle place where they bake the hash browns into the waffles.

And that's that is great.

Great.

But they bake hash browns and bacon or whatever.

Didn't you make yourself feel ill the last time you had that, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like, but like,

yeah, it's so good.

Because also they put a big dollar put sour cream on top of it with your eggs, got your scrambled eggs and stuff.

And it's just good American diner food is the best.

Yeah.

Like a good American diner.

Like, you know, you get some biscuits, you put that with the egg.

Yeah.

It ruins you for the day.

If you go for breakfast, yeah.

Like, even like going to California, where the jet lag's so bad when you wake up, so you like awake at like seven in the morning.

And then I would go to this place, Millie's, in Silver Silver Lake.

I think we went there and get something called Devil's Mess, which was like turkey and egg and sour cream and guacamole.

And then you get toast with it.

And that by the end, I was like, Well, it's 8 a.m.

and my whole day's over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it.

I can't do that.

Yeah, it's not, they don't really do like a light breakfast.

No, but even if you get like a, you know, like one time, I was like, I just want to get like a bagel with some cream cheese.

Biggest, cream cheese is thick.

Like, like, just a whole fish.

It's just like, it's almost like

they don't do that over there bro you order a bowl of oats and it's the bits like the bowls the size of the table and

everything is you know they put a whole like yeah yeah you just think miners would go to work on one small bowl of porridge and then this is what you're giving me and all i'm gonna do is sort of walk around and do something this evening yeah i like as well with american diners that they have um non-pork options that are way better than England.

Turkey, bacon, turkey, sausage, chicken.

They really do actually have a lot of non-pork options, which I like.

I mean, that's one thing I don't like about here is if I don't eat pork, I can't have nothing for breakfast.

Yeah.

Eggs, and that's it.

It's a pork fest.

Yeah, it's a pork fest.

You guys love a pork sausage and all them things.

Black pudding.

Oh, my God, black pudding.

You eat black pudding?

Yeah.

You know mud.

Do you eat black pudding, James?

Yeah, I eat it.

James are like, they're just like disappointing themselves.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good black pudding, like, stone away black pudding.

Do you eat the one, because what's white pudding?

White pudding, I don't know what it is.

Because that's one where, like, the blood's like gone like all curd in that or something because do you think it's the white blood cells yeah yeah well whatever it is i heard i love it scientists separate stuff

they've spent billions trying to separate the white pudding from the buddy i've never tried black pudding is it like meaty uh yeah it's it's meaty but it's sort of rich and deep

okay it's the guinness of food jamali it is yeah okay

it is the guinness of food i tried haggis i don't mind haggis yeah

it's like i'll eat some stuff that is like you know like i'm not a poet like i'll eat liver

the one thing i i i won't eat a brain.

No, I don't want to eat brains.

Yeah, I try.

I love a brain.

Yeah.

If there's a brain on the menu, honestly, I'm getting the brain.

Yeah,

I think the sang about eating another animal's memories.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, I don't want to eat your memories and your personality.

I ate it.

Do you know what I mean?

I ate a duck brain recently, Jamali, straight out of the skull.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you feel about that?

And let me tell you.

He got escorted out of the park pretty quickly.

Let's move on to your dream drink.

Homemade berry lemonade.

I feel like every time I say something, I feel like you guys look at me and go, This is a bad thing.

No, I'm just enjoying it.

Like, we're just taking it.

I've never had berry lemonade.

Never had berry lemonade.

Oh my god.

I think the problem with homemade lemonade sometimes is you're just giving me a bitter lemon with some sugar and water.

And you're expecting me to pretend like, oh, this is...

It's just sweet water.

Yeah, but a berry lemonade, it just works well with the sour and the sweet.

Are you making this yourself?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you cook, though.

I do cook.

You cooked for me that time.

Yeah, that was terrible.

But to me,

I've never seen anyone more upset with their own cooking.

Yeah, it was terrible.

Then Jamali was.

We had a day, it was outsiders, and we were staying on this, in this, you know.

The cooking facilities were shit.

The cooking facilities were.

And we didn't get nothing for it.

We got terrible food when we were there.

And then it was.

But then it changed.

You remember?

The guy looked at us and went, that's better, though.

Yeah, it's better now, Jimmy.

It's not.

Because also, I was like, I can't really eat too many carbs or whatever because I'm working and, you know, I've got diabetes.

And so, quite often, I walked in one day, they went, We're building our own pizzas today.

I went, Well, I'm not.

He went, Well, you can just have the toppings.

And I had uh raw pepperoni and uh some salad, just some lettuce, and then just some grated chicken.

And loser vegan, and loser vegan.

So, she just had the lettuce.

Yeah, she's had lettuce.

That's the one day we saw with just lettuce filming 18 ounce shift mad.

Well, what did Jess Napitz say to you during all that?

What was she saying to you?

Just saying my name in a Norman accent, Jamal.

Jamali,

But one day we had a day off, but we weren't allowed to leave this Godforsaken place.

We wasn't going to fuck home.

Yeah, everyone else got to fuck off home.

Everyone else got to fuck off home, but we were in a bubble, so we couldn't leave.

And there was like the kitchens there, were like this big industrial kitchen or whatever.

And Jamali very kindly went, well, we can't have any food from here.

So if they will go out and they got some stuff in, and Jamali went, I'm going to do a roast dinner or whatever.

Prepping it all day.

And it was delicious.

And then we're sitting there eating it.

And Jamali was just sat there going, This is so horrible.

I'm so sorry, guys.

Yeah, because I thought Ed put salt on it.

And I was like, like if ed's putting salt on it it must be dull

this must be flavorless if ed's if ed has to put salt on it this must be awful

i've seen the white people putting salt on it i really must have

that was actually verbatim

very unbounded

i do put salt on a lot of things but yeah no it was fine it was fine it was just like it was this it's you know when you're cooking and it's stressful when you you're in like a kitchen that doesn't have like they're like half this oven doesn't work this hob doesn't work this doesn't work and it's just I'm and it was a long day filming and it was the first day off and I just wanted this to be anyway it was very nice and you do cook you're a good cook.

I'm a decent cook.

I'm a decent cook.

You don't eat lemonade lemon.

No no no no no this is my fantasy

I'm gonna make it like no no no no no no it's mostly a thing that I had in like a restaurant it's always those weird places like really shitty Mexican restaurants that will have a really good berry lemonade.

Like for some reason they can't get any of the food right but they'll bat they'll kill a a berry lemonade, and it has to be like a red berry.

Yeah, what sort of berries are you?

I think it's like a raspberry, yeah, so it's like it's a raspberry, and it sort of comes.

You know, that sometimes you get a drink and it's two colors, yeah, it's one of them ones because all the stuff flights are like, yeah, yeah, so you mix it in, and I think as well, with with because I have my water, so that's for my palate.

And I think there's something about it's like when I'm eating these foods, like I've got the saltiness of the chips, I've got the interesting uh flavors of the cheesecake that that lemon flushes your palate.

It's a palate cleanser.

So every time it's like sometimes you can eat and it gets monotonous, flush that palate out.

I'm back on the game.

Sounds delicious.

It does sound good.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm quite excited now to hear your dessert from your all home.

Out of all the questions, this was the hardest one for me because I've got a real sweet tooth.

Like I eat ridiculous amounts of cake.

Like and sweets.

Good guy.

And I've got diabetes in my family.

So the doctor said to me, you have to.

yeah but i eat like a share pack of haribo in like 10 minutes like like a bad issue yeah like i've actually got like like i stopped eating sweets and i started getting shakes i was like oh i'm addicted yeah yeah yeah oh

yeah i have addiction like it's bad bad bad bad like i'm seeing like you watching you drink a diet coke right now is like what like when an alcoholic goes to a pub

like i'm seeing it i'm like i could get a coke like do you know what i mean like i'm gonna i have a problem yeah so when it comes i mean you haven't seen these behind the thing, have you?

Oh, see, yeah, I saw them.

I cropped them already.

Just hungry.

Yeah.

Like, that's like, I saw it.

Like, it was like a bag of Coke at a party.

You saw it.

My eyes just went, what?

Is that Harry?

Well, we're like...

Do you think this started with the Rocky Horror?

Do you think this is where it was?

Maybe.

Since I was a little kid, I've just been...

Like, because I was a real big kid.

When I was like 13, I weighed like 17 stone.

You put some photos of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I think some of my favourite photos in existence.

They're hilarious, isn't it?

Absolutely hilarious.

Lovely fat little boy.

Yeah.

and what the fuck about and obviously you without a beard is funny anyway yeah yeah yeah

such sweet pictures i remember i remember like i told this story and that someone told me it's like the really saddest story ever but i thought it was funny for a long time he's like i remember when i went to jamaica and i was a little fat kid and a pack like all the women at the bakery would give me like free cakes and that because like oh i'm so fat give him some kick and i remember apparently this rusted man said to me on the boat he goes hey you're too fat man you eat too many sweetie and

like my belly used to come come over my shorts yeah like and the whole holiday all my uncle's like yeah man you're too fat brother you too and they were impersonating the raster man saying that eat too many sweeties you're too fat do you know what i have to go with my heart and what i actually would enjoy the most would be a key lime pie yeah love key lime pie i think it's a bit mad that i've gone with the berry lemonade and then something taught again also can't i just say the key lime pie remarkably similar to a sweet version of your main course yeah oh oh yeah i've got an issue in isn't it?

Yeah, I think I just like, I must just like that texture, innit?

Yeah.

Okay, do you know what?

That's a good point you made.

I'm going to fuck off the key lime pie.

Keyline pie is great though, isn't it?

Yeah, it's great.

You're right.

I think that's too similar.

And you made me reconsider my option here.

I'll go for a trifle.

Yeah.

I fucking love trifle.

Yeah.

Again, I'll go Martin Spencer and I'll buy a, I'll eat a full trifle.

I'll sit there, spoon in hand, watching.

If they put it in that plastic bowl, it feels like you just need to sit with it on your lap.

And that's the problem is you can't really tell the size of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it comes in too thin.

So you're like, oh, it's only the top that's, you know.

But I'd say, I'd say a trifle because trifle and it's a different consistency.

And you're getting cream, jelly, and cake.

Yeah.

Behave yourself, bro.

And if you make it mad cold, that cream's basically ice cream.

An ice cream trifle, isn't it?

An ice cream trifle.

That's a phenomenal idea.

I put that on you, Wimpy Menger.

Yo, that would actually be fire.

And you used that sort of Mr.

Whippy ice cream.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's that softly ice cream.

I thought the rice I was made of ice cream trifle.

Yeah, yeah

edit this out copyright yeah yeah I'll sue everyone in this room

you're the fifth trifle on off menu really yeah yeah very popular choice Jamie Oliver okay

Harry Hill and Armando Inucci

as McCartney yeah see I would say all of them all them are great people Jamie Oliver did up my school dinners yeah are you with that generation I was the generation where you're turkey twizzlers yeah I remember we used to have we could have cheese

morning and night little fat boy eating me turkey twizzers Yeah, I just

had a voice as well, wouldn't he?

Yeah, he fucking, yeah, he ruined school, didn't he?

I remember that.

Like, we hated him.

Yeah, you hated him.

Like, we really hated him.

And I know, and you look back at Benny, you go, wow, you really took on the system and tried to do a good thing.

We fucking hated him.

We were so pissed off with this guy.

And do you remember that episode?

I love when he makes the chicken nuggets and he makes like the ones how they do it in McDonald's and it all the kids are like, eh, and they're like, which one do you want?

They go, that one.

Obviously.

I think, like, that's the thing.

That's a true hero, though, innit, though.

most heroes they'll get held aloft and everyone loves them jamie oliver did a good thing yeah and it was definitely a good thing and he just took all the hate from everybody

from kids still hasn't really got the credit he deserves for it still hasn't got people going no you know what well done parents would come and give their kids mcdonald's through the school gates like like how much people push back on what jamie over basically what jamie did is said hey listen these are the future generations they should have nutritious meals yeah or what even one nutritious meal a day.

Yeah.

It's not like he was going, and when they get home, you need to feed them something different.

He was going, this might be their chance for one nutritious meal in a day.

And we went and we livid.

Fucking livid.

We hated Jay.

We were like, yo, Jay made me fucked up up.

We ruined our lives.

Did you like a Turkey Twizzler?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, mate.

I love like happy face and all of that.

Do you know what?

This is funny.

Primary school I went to, because some primary schools is, they cook.

the food.

Our ones used to, they used to come in these big grey boxes.

And it was the same company that used to sell them to the prisons and so you used to get these big grey boxes coming and you open the big grey box you just reheat it and it was one of the same that would prison food yeah yeah well i don't feel i think there was like different menus yeah the same company probably did you have the little tray as well yeah yeah yeah we'd have like a little tray yeah yeah you have the little id badge on that yeah yeah yeah but no yeah so our school things in primary school were awful like there was no new there was no greens well i like it so you you're in the trifle gang now yeah

i'll say trifle yeah i do like a good piece of trifle especially with like that deep thick cream layer up all the guests who have ordered trifle, including yourself.

And what order would they go in?

Of who I like.

Layer them up like a trifle.

You've all got to be layered up like a trifle.

No, not necessarily who you like, just

you all have to get in a bowl.

Okay.

Yeah.

You've all got to be layered up like a trifle.

Okay, we've all got to be laying on top of each other.

What order should you go in?

Okay, so Jamie Oliver's at the bottom.

Yeah, because you have to like scum.

And you can just sit at the bottom.

You heard me, Jamie.

I hope you're listening to this.

You fucked up my life.

Trying to make me healthy.

Yeah.

God bless you, Jamie.

Jamie Oliver,

me, because I want to look at Jamie Oliver suffering.

Because I'm suffering because we're being crushed to death.

I want to look at Jamie's face while I'm fucking suffering.

Jamie,

I'm so sorry, Jamie.

He's on his back.

You're on your.

Oh, eye to eye.

We're eye to eye, bro.

We're eye to eye.

This is a weird human centrepiece.

Now I'm eye to eye, bro.

I'm blocking you down, Jamie.

So Jamie Oliver, me, Anucci.

Is that how you do that?

Because he's a smart guy.

Yeah.

If anyone's going to get us out of this situation, he needs to coordinate, because I think he'll be a good convo, too.

Sure.

So he could be behind me.

Yeah.

And Harry Hill at the top.

You know what McChan's got to go on there?

She's a chef.

She has Dijeni Express.

So I put her put above a new.

No, no, wonderful.

She's got wonderful anecdotes and she's very...

You would like her to be a little bit more.

She's good on the top.

And

she'd be a little bit more.

More of a laugh than Harry Hill?

They're all alive.

They're all laughed.

Yeah, so obviously her at top.

Yeah.

And then Harry Hill.

Because I think Harry Hill will be good tagging the bits.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

She's doing the the sort of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the meanwhile, you're just staring Jamie Oliver out in complete silence.

Absolute silence.

And then we'll have that lady on the top.

Yeah.

Human trifle.

I'm going to read your order back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Yeah.

Still water.

No questions asked there.

Absolutely.

Poppadoms or bread.

Popped ons with chutney in the green one.

And the others.

You want the other two so you can look at them.

Yep, yep, yep.

Starter, the Dutch croquettes from FIBO.

Main course, alligator and shrimp cheesecake from Giacomo, New Orleans side dish hand cut chips from the Bethnal Green place.

Drink homemade berry lemonade and dessert trifle.

How you feeling?

I think it sounds delicious.

A bit mad.

It's a bit eclectic, but I'm happy with that.

Yeah,

I want to eat that.

Yeah, I definitely want to eat that for sure.

Feels good.

Yeah.

I merely want to try

the cheesecake, so the cheesecake.

I want to try the star a lot.

Yeah, croquette.

I actually want to try the chips quite a lot.

because it's a place that isn't there anymore that had really good chips and the guy would say everything comes with chips i would like to try that so it's a shame and I do like trifle and the berry lemonade you'd love that if you of course I'd love that because that one's not open another good place is El El Pechi is it El you know the one in Bethnal Green the famous oh yeah Pelici

they do good chips yeah yeah that's good with egg beans and chips on there and you know what I'll top that meal off a lovely bottle of wine oh the red wine absolutely not

absolutely not I think the red wine would be too rich with the cheesecake yeah I think I actually think you're right

I think a white wine would be really nice

I know you're trying to make a joke, but let's.

But let's be serious about this.

You're correct, it wouldn't work.

Jamali, thank you very much for coming to the video.

Thank you for having me.

I really enjoyed myself.

Thank you, Jamali.

Welcome to the off-met.

Ah, got you.

That's funny.

There we go.

That was Jamali Maddox.

Thank you so much to Jamali for coming on.

Jamali?

Love that.

Yeah, lovely stuff.

Didn't say portobello mushrooms, so you've got to stay in the room.

God did not say the portobello mushroom secrets.

ingredient.

Do go and check out Jamali.

Check out his social media and his website to see where he's playing near you.

And if you are in London, go and see him on the 28th of May at the Hackney Empire.

Wonderful venue, wonderful comic.

You're in for a lovely night.

A lovely night.

It's such a good venue.

You'll have such a lovely night.

You will have a lovely night.

It's a great venue.

And a great comedian.

A great comedy.

Yes.

Thank you to Jamali for coming on.

I'm also on tour.

Go and see me in the the autumn doing an extension of my tour electric.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

And I will be doing the Hammersmith Apollo on October 22nd, my biggest tour show ever.

Very excited.

It would be lovely.

It would be blooming lovely if there were some people there.

It's going to be a big night, and we're all very proud of him.

Yeah.

I'm going to be touring Scandinavia, much smaller venues in September.

Thank you very much, Jamali.

Thank you, James, actually.

Thank you, Ed.

Thank you, Benito.

Thank you, Benito, for picking the secret ingredient this week.

Yeah, which didn't get a mention, but I really want a a portobello mushroom now.

A bit of goats cheese on the top.

Thank you very much for listening.

We'll see you next week.

Goodbye.

Bye.

We get it.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September, at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.